Sociopaths almost always turn back up….. how a readers ex tracked her down to this site. His comments (with permission) and my response.

Sometimes, if i had not been here, as often as I would have liked, I would come back to the site, with a lot of comments to go through. There were a few particular comments recently that were aimed at a reader. This person (the ex) had tracked her down to this site, and had found her comments.

Whether this was found by hacking her email, or by intense snooping and stalking, I do not know. The comments were written in May 2014, the reader had not heard from her ex since October 2013. He had moved on and in with someone new.

I wrote to the reader to warn that I think it was her ex who had found her at the site, and to warn her to tighten up her passwords etc, if necessary. I also sent the comments to her and asked if I could have permission to write this post. As I do think that there will be many of you, who would have heard identical words.

Bear in mind – that this person had not heard from their ex at all since Oct 2013…. he had moved on and moved in with someone new. Yet he went to great lengths to track her down.

Sociopaths HATE losing control – the reader had moved away and moved on with her life. He doesn’t know where she is. I hope that I write this with sensitivity, and that if the ex is still reading this site – she doesn’t post here anymore. What I am about to write, needs to be said because

  • You all say the same thing
  • Your patterns repeat
  • We could have all dated the same person
  • I can guarantee – that there will be more than just me – that these comments could have been written to. As you clearly cannot take responsibility and see what you have done wrong, and that it is all someone else’s fault. I am going to respond to your comments (that have not been published before), of what I think you are REALLY saying – behind your flowery language.

Here goes…. never before published (some identifying details have been changed for protection of identity)

Wow, I was ur husband and maybe u should tell the truth about how u cheated when u went to work and I have u know she still has here house and car iv taken nothin from her as I didnt u I paid u and u couldnt even face me in court my life is great now im in a much better place mentally and financially ur right my family accepted her as hers did me she doesnt make problems for people and families like u did, im vlad to have my friends my family my integrity and a smile on my face just knowin u didnt destroy me like I told u u wouldnt even ur frien say ur crazy I did love u carly and would still b with u if u hadnt tried to do what u did to me, I dont know where u r nor do I care like I told u before I dow

What this is really saying 

How dare you tell the truth about me?

I was your husband (therefore I owned you)

You are a liar

The person I am with now – still has her car and house – (I haven’t taken it YET) – so this further proves you are a liar – I have taken nothing from her (yet) – (so this proves that I hadn’t from you).

You have THAT allegation wrong, therefore what else you say is wrong (trying to disprove the credibility of the reader and isolate her from support)

I paid you, and you couldn’t even face me in court (She had taken him to court to get money back he owed her, he offered to pay a lesser amount to what she was owed, and she just took that rather than drag it out and go through court with him) 

I am great now, and am in a much better place financially and mentally (it was being with you, that brought my financial problems and made me act the way that I did, this is all your fault) I am so great and so happy…… I am looking for you online 🙂 🙂 🙂 

My family accepted her, as hers did mine – (there are issues within my family and I am desperately searching for a way to resolve this within myself) – (now I am lying again to you, to make you think, that the reason that there were issues before, was because of YOU not ME)…

She doesn’t make problems for families and people like you did (how dare you tell people about me) – This is all YOUR fault.

I am glad to have my Friends, family, Integrity (I laughed out loud at this one) and a smile on my face…. (you are smiling so much and life is so amazing and fabulous you are tracking down your ex online)

You didn’t destroy me like I told you you wouldn’t (this is why months later I have found you online and have written to tell you how happy I now am) – I am not happy at all, and I never will be. But I want YOU to believe I am very happy. Therefore this is YOUR fault.

Even your friends say you are crazy (now trying to give the impression that her friends are betraying her and talking behind her back – the truth is more likely he doesn’t even know where she is, he likely hasn’t spoken to her friends, this is a lie…. designed to make her feel bad about herself. Sociopaths often say ‘everyone says’…. ) Yeah sure!!

And now for the real humdinger…. 🙂 🙂

I STILL LOVE YOU – AND IF YOU HADN’T DONE WHAT YOU DID, I WOULD STILL BE WITH YOU! (it’s all YOUR fault), the reader told me she is happy, rebuilding her life, and moving on with her life. She wasn’t thinking  about him at all….. while he… was making efforts to find HER

I don’t know where you are and nor do I care – I HATE LOSING CONTROL. I HATE IT THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND I HAVE LOST CONTROL OF YOU. I WAS YOUR HUSBAND, I OWNED YOU…. YOU WERE MINE…..I CARE VERY MUCH THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE…. SO I HAVE DONE ALL I CAN TO FIND YOU ONLINE AND SAY HELLO!!!!!!….

 

He posted the comment….. but then must have realised that his comment hadn’t gone through it wasn’t authorised (and still isn’t). So he wrote another further comment. Which just displays that his emotional maturity is that of a 12 year old girl. 

U cant even tell the truth about ur name do u even know what it is or how its spelled, its (name changed by me) Karly  with a K not Carly tell the truth for once in ur life these people dont know u and theres not even a reason to lie to them,,

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

This was the best that he could come up with as a final response. Like a child… he had to have one final rant. Just to prove, that you are the liar, I am the person telling the truth.

This is how they operate. I can guarantee that I won’t be the only person that could have received this in an email or text. Or even a comment online. What he is trying to do (and often, unless the victim gets support, this can be effective) is to:

  • Discredit the victim
  • Blame the victim
  • Pretend that his new life is very happy (and hopes yours is miserable)
  • Is goading for a response, or a reaction – in fact ANYTHING rather than being ignored
  • Tries to isolate the victim from current support
  • Is continuing to lie, and paint the victim as a liar – and…. here is the PROOF (you changed your name)…. see???

Ugh, honestly. They act and operate like children when they cannot get their own way. For someone who is still in the hearts and flowers and rose coloured specs, and still ‘in love’… this can be effective. The victim protests their innocence and how it ‘wasn’t really like that’, this just gives further emotional energy to them,so that the cycle can continue.

If you have been lured back in, read this – does it make sense to you? Have you received a letter/text/email just like this one, of similar content? If you have, know that this is about only two things

  • The need to be in control
  • The need to win

Nothing else. If the victim did respond, the other party might have played the game for a little bit more – or completely rejected her, just because he could or to punish her, to teach her a lesson for speaking out about him.

They hate being discovered, and they hate losing control. In this readers case, she had gone to great lengths to get right away from him. Moving away, hiding her identity, everything that she could do.

I guess he hated that….

What are your thoughts? Have you experienced similar correspondence? I know that I have….. just to show you how they all repeat the same thing. Often they boomerang back (if they can).

 

251 thoughts on “Sociopaths almost always turn back up….. how a readers ex tracked her down to this site. His comments (with permission) and my response.”

  1. Perfect translation of what the ex Socio meant by the dribble he ranted. Exactly what my ex Socio said about his first ex wife to me and then about me (his second ex wife) to others. Exactly.

    1. I read this with a mixture of amusement (recognising how immature and false these people are) and anger (at how mine did all those things to me). I still tell people who believe me the truth about him. But, of course, there aren’t many of those as my Dr Jekyll doesn’t turn into Mr Hyde in public. When we were together I often thought he knows nothing of love, he’s like ice, he only knows lust but is so good at pretending. Until he’d left and I found out about sociopaths. If I ever speak to him it feels like I don’t exist half of the time. He’s so narcissistic. ‘well that’s enough about me. let’s talk about me now.’ It really is like talking to a 5 year old. In fact, when I think of him, I think that little…..He is much taller than me, but that’s how I feel around him. It’s amazing to imagine he will never know what love feels like. He just gets bored, drinks, takes drugs and surfs the internet for victims. How incredibly boring and sad.

    2. This could have been written by my ex.
      Word for word.
      I just in the process of moving out so he’s realised the control has gone and he’s panicking… love to all you ladies (and men) dealing with similar situations. It’s nice to know I’m not going mad and I’m not alone xx

  2. More nonsense! The guy can’t even spell, type or write and if he’s that idiotic, maybe his ex is as well. Water seeks it’s own level! All this sociopath bashing is doing is misdiagnosing regular people with regular problems.

    Psychologists cannot even seem to agree on how to diagnose this disorder, but all your contributors can? This is a very, very dangerous road you’re going down.

    Women have psychological disorders too! They have bipolar, NPD, BPD as well as other more common traits and disorders. As well as the general hormone imbalance every single month! Couple that with post postpartum depression and you have a shit storm of mental malfunction. Yet we expect ALL common men to know how to respond to these women.

    When a man goes to a marriage counselor or therapist, ALL the responsibility is put on the man. He’s expected to manage his wife’s mental issues, her monthly period mental malfunction and her inability to handle the responsibility of being a parent.

    1. regular people don’t gaslight, manipulate, con people out of money, cheat, and get enjoyment from it quite like a psychopath. and yes they can be diagnosed. just not many go to the GP to get a diagnosis. why would they? they think they are perfect and arent bothered about the devastation they cause

      1. Yes, regular people actually do those things to some extent. Those traits are present in most people and to be a psychopath or socio you need to have them ALL present. There are plenty of healthy people who will from time to time be emotionally manipulative and narcissistic gaslighters who are not actually sociopaths.

      2. I must be rare then as I’ve never emotionally manipulated someone or ‘gaslit’ another….interesting take on it though?

      3. Take couples going through the incredible stress of a marriage breakdown and custody battle, for example. The stress alone can cause them to behave in ways they may not normally and you will see some attempts and successes at manipulation, gaslighting etc. People do strange things when triggered. Many peoople have narcissistic traits within them, just not to the extent a socio may exhibit and without the rest of the socios traits.

      4. I agree Kendra. However, this isn’t about what happens when the relationship ends. Lots of people get bitter, and if they are hurt act out. Its about what it is like in the relationship rather than the truth you thought it was. I agree, that sociopathy is specific. They follow almost identical patterns of behaviour. This persons comment was one of those….

      5. Thanks Cath. I agree. Why would they bother a doctor when they can find more victims for their parasitic lifestyles etc.?

    2. The word choice doesn`t matter one bit, it is what we commonly understand it to represent that does, any made up word would do. Nothing angers a SP more than being exposed as one though. I would never tell someone to call an SP a sociopath, unless they actually want to provoke and enrage them. (But what doesn`t enrage them, really.)

    3. His ex is not an idiot. What’s the matter the truth hurts? She was the best thing that happened to him. He blew, he’s a sociopath, takes one to know one. Your the 😈

    4. spoken like a true narcissist! …so transparent, the article was so right.
      lmao, thanks for the laughs “hope”???

      1. Hi Fawn 🙂

        I agree, HOPE LESS MAN….couldn’t have picked a better name really! ;)…..

        Love & Light to you Fawn 🙂
        PR xoxo

    5. We know women are sociopaths too so what are you talking about? These people wear masks, are masters of disguise, manipulators. How are normal people supposed to know immediately? You are the type of person who keeps us from being able to let our feelings out and try to get support.

      1. Kathleen
        JUNE 21, 2014 AT 9:05 AM
        I replied to Hope Lessman, but it’s moved further down the page. Me too, Darn it!

  3. Interesting….my spath has been gone since October 2013. He keeps trying to get me to come to New York and stay for the summer. Says he will pay for my trip and everything else. After supporting him for three years, I’m tempted to take him up on it. Not because he has me fooled. This website has opened my eyes forever. Still, I want my money back. I’ve even thought of writing a follow-up book to Entangled, called, The Goose and the Gander, but I’m not sure I’ll be smart enough to outsmart him. I’ve been reading how to get even with a sociopath. I know…no contact…but what if the tables were turned. Maybe it’s the writer in me. Dare I put myself in danger to get the story?

    1. I wrote a post how to get even with one. It is tiring, exhausting, and never recommended if someone is violent. If someone is refusing to leave your life – and there is nothing else that you can do. If to not do anything (just ignoring and hoping it will get better is sometimes not a good idea as you would live life in fear, terrified what will happen next)… sometimes you have to take action. I don’t know why you would
      do that,if the person isn’t hammering on your door, creating mayhem in your life? Getting even is to STOP what is happening, when nothing else is making it stop. Its a protection and self preservation.
      Please stop using my site to plug your book. I do keep asking you.

    2. You wouldn’t be going to New York, you’d be going to ‘hell!’
      So absolutely not! Go get another piece of money!
      Remember why your SP is gone! Run & don’t look back! 🙂

    3. I’d be extremely careful If I were you, although you sound very brave. I’ve been feeling like this recently, how can I let this evil person have ruined my life and get away with it? (My daughter’s Dad is a sociopath, I’m almost certain.) But I’ll be risking my daughter’s emotional health by trying to do so.

      1. Well, I did take him up on his offer to come to New York, but it didn’t take long to figure out….it just wasn’t worth it! Now, I’m back home and practicing NO CONTACT. At first, I couldn’t breath, then I had an achy pain in the pit of my stomach. All I had was his voice on the phone, saying good morning or good night. All superficial conversation. Nothing worth hanging onto. But I’ve learned that I am codependent on him. I’m writing a sequel to my book, Entangled, I’ll call it The Goose and the Gander. About my attempts to get even once I found out what he was. I’m on day seven of no contact. I’m starting to feel empowered and I like it.

  4. Hi Pos,
    . Just the fact that he tracked her down makes me feel uneasy. Spath always told me. I’ll never get away , that made me uneasy to. He sent me a mothers day card a week late, iwrote him not a nice letter and asked him to please not call me when he gets home. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Idk, but it makes me feel better that I did. So now what is she going to not post anymore, I don’t think I would stop posting, what balls he has, your right he twisted every syllable around that creep, but for all of us nd all her friends that know her, knows he’s the crazy one. He doesn’t know what happiness feels like , let alone what it is. This is a coincidence. But last night while on google his name came up to add as a friend, I found that rather strange, I was taken aback by it actually. Idk what to make of it either. He probably as some jerk spying on me. Well I hope our friend stays with us. Wow I’m at a loss for words, I’m surprised, yet I’m not surprised. Peaceablove😒

    1. Yes me too. This happened to me! He did find me on a support group (a long time ago, about 2 year ago). That is how I can really relate as the comment was almost identical….

      Why don’t you tell them… blah…. all this is designed to do, is to ruin your credibility. It was one of the reasons that I started my own blog. I could manage the comments as they came in.

      She had already stopped commenting…. which was what was most surprising. She said that she was trying to move on with her life.

      I think it is something for everyone to be aware of. That they do love to snoop and spy and keep an eye on you. The one in my life said that song by Sting ‘Every move you make’ is like the sociopath song. He was drunk or I am sure he wouldn’t have confessed that trait.

      When it happens, when they do pop up like that, it can be alarming (I found anyway) as It was yet again another violation of privacy they do that a lot…. violations of privacy, they almost enjoy it…. as it gives two things ‘control’ ‘winning’ (in their mind).

  5. Perfect translation of the Socio’s rant, explaining what he really means. Exactly what my ex Socio said to me and everyone else about his first ex wife, and then said about me to everyone else when I became his second ex wife.

  6. Hello
    My thoughts are.
    I remember when I was fooling around with the guy and out of nowhere he says he hated himself. At the time I said” well that needs to change”.
    Now I say “I can see why you hate yourself” sorry but I think that the brain of these people (although not all exactly the same but similar) is actually not so smart and definitely I feel they should be exposed and put on a list so more women can see who’s who. A list of who they dated and what the women’s experiences were. No one is blaming these males (or females) but if enough people are talking about the same person they will not be able to continue their secret disgraceful ways of being in the world. It is wrong! wrong, wrong! and their mirroring has cracks it in.. Am angry and tired of BS!!
    thanks for the site as always.
    I am just tired of hearing how smart these creeps are.
    Their is more wisdom in real love!

    1. Hi Elise, it would be a great idea to put our Ex Spaths, narcs on a list. Can we do that? Are there privacy issues etc though that would stop us from compiling an international list or lists for each country? Would be great. I’ve often thought of this. The lists would be for future possible partners, OW’s protection from Spaths/Narcs etc.

      1. Re the list…toilet paper rolls for each one….we would run out of toilet paper, a world wide shortage because, they are s#*ts….& give us the s#*ts….verbal diarrhea, we could stuff paper in their mouths…
        Sorry I am being naughty 😉

        Oops, PR 😉

      2. Except that you’d have a spate of bitter, angry, twisted people just trying to add people who arent socios to it. Or, socios adding empaths to it.

      3. I am aware of a couple of websites where people list names of ‘players’ ‘cheaters’ or sociopaths. I submitted a name and story to one myself. They could probably be found by a google search.

      4. Definitely privacy issues, not to mention the fact that just because a sociopath hurt you doesn’t mean they’ll hurt another. They might just not have liked you, and you got the full brunt of that. Doesn’t mean they should be avoided, they just need to find the right person for them.

      5. All sorts of things can be done on the internet, whether they should be or not, but I wouldn’t advise it. If it came to your SPs attention it would most definitely come back to haunt you. Just one more way the SP could “prove” to others that you are out to get him, that he is the victim. Raising awareness about how to spot the red flags and what to do about it, like positivagirl is doing, seems like the best approach to me. To truly help others, not just get revenge.

      6. Hi PR,
        Hahaha! that was funny, u have a great sense of humour, cool. What do u think about posting pics of our ex spaths or their names, to warn others not to get caught in their web? but it would violate privacy issues wouldnt it & freedom of info etc. Facebook does that anyway.

  7. What a crazy man, sounds exactly like my ex! As a matter of fact 99.9% of what you write about sociopaths sounds like you’re talking about my ex. I love the idea of listing them, and their trails of destruction. It is very sad, because the majority of us who fall victim to these crazies are good people with hearts of gold 😦

  8. Yes, painfully familiar. This happened too many times to count with my ex. I kept many of them because sometimes I need to remember the reality of the situation.

    Revenge and retribution are still moments of weakness of my opinion, any contact, any energy spent on them, is allowing them to be part of your life and increases the risk of you getting hurt. No contact really is the only solution in my opinion. I feel awful for people don’t have the option of 100% no contact.

  9. When I left my ex a few years back, I was on a site similar to this one for victims of sociopathic abuse. I had a name COMPLETELY made up and false (it was an animal), and this guy had no idea that I was on this site. I have no idea how he did it, but he tracked me down to the site and figured out which commenter I was. He then contacted the SITE OWNER to tell her that he needed to have an interview with her because his “girlfriend” (I was long gone, we were broken up and he knew it) thought he was a sociopath and he needed to talk to her to prove that he’s not. He then sent me an email telling me that she had agreed to do a phone session with him, which he would record and send to me as proof that he is not a sociopath. Of course I contacted her and let her know this was actually my ex who had emailed her and she cut all contact with him.

    My ex had similar logic to the guy in this post, but he was very “eloquent” (if you can call it that) and had the most magnificent word salads I think I’ve ever seen.

      1. Oh yes Pos, you can just feel it in your gut, he sounds like my Xspath, he is one because he had become so defensive, what does grammar have to do with anything, agreed they are stupid th low functioning ones anyway. Yea he’s one of (THEM)..

  10. Well, looks like we have those who follow the “blame the victim” mentality. However, this guerrilla trolling tactic won’t wash with me! I can’t speak for others, but I have my own opinions to offer.

    I’m long past the monthly cycle thing by over 20 years.. My endocrine system has been checked out numerous times (I’m a former estrogen dependent cancer patient) and my hormone-chemical levels remain consistently steady and stable from month to month. In fact, I take medication to prevent any female hormone production!

    I have had myself checked out by mental health experts, and regular physicians and I’ve been pronounced a strong and healthy individual.
    I’ve worked and trained in the field of Psychological Sciences for over 15 years. I’m seeing a lot evidence these days that the profession of psychologists are rapidly catching up to what many of us in the public sector have been saying in recent years.

    Thanks to my ex’s trolling, stalking minions, I have learned to take on alternate identities on the Internet to protect myself. So, if there’s any concern of your ex spath finding you, maybe adopting a camouflage persona is something that concerned former victims should consider or at the very least should avoid giving identifying details about yourself.

    All I’m saying, is there’s nuts of all stripes out there, and some of them are downright dangerous! Protect yourself at all times! Take care!

  11. Hello friends,

    This surely can hit home with just about all of us. I received an email from him. As I read it, it felt like he was saying it without moving his lips. A struggling stiff killer mouth. As if it’s difficult to say such rubbish (well, something like that. Of course he can lie). Here it goes:

    How are you sweetheart? I miss you lots. I wanted to ask why you said those hurtful things on Facebook messenger to me? I don’t understand the hostility towards me. I was upfront and cordial to you. I wish you wouldn’t accuse me of things I didn’t do and call me names. I care for you very much “tbunnyshy”….you have no idea. My heart aches for you. ❤ "jerk"

    This is so fake. I picture him very irritated trying to say all this. It's all opposite. I'm serious. OPPOSITE. He is upset. I no longer take the abuse, nor go along with and play dumb with his stories, mad I tell friends what he did to me, etc. as if to say "how dare you not be my doormat!!" He wishes I wouldn't call him on things he did. In the end he would hang up the phone ABRUPTLY, not answer back etc. He HID his real residence the whole year together, with a woman, bizarre fetishes with men, MANY pretend jobs, getting high constantly etc). He showed up at my house (an hour drive). All I miss is intimacy with him. THAT IS IT. I miss him that way. We can all get that anywhere, to be blunt. He is not special.

    1. Positivagirl,
      You are the only reason I am getting thru this. I’ve read books, saw videos, but YOU and your advice is what helped me the most. Very thorough. I really miss you when you go. Everyone I’ve met here is GREAT, but you are very important to my recovery. Its hard when you’re not here. It’s just the way it is 😉. Thank you so much! Xxx

    2. How are you sweetheart? I miss you lots. I wanted to ask why you said those hurtful things on Facebook messenger to me? I don’t understand the hostility towards me. I was upfront and cordial to you. I wish you wouldn’t accuse me of things I didn’t do and call me names. I care for you very much “tbunnyshy”….you have no idea. My heart aches for you

      Ugh…. the lengths that they go to. Lets break this one down.

      1. I don’t understand your hostility to me (why are you ignoring me – I
      don’t have control and I hate that you are ignoring me)
      2. Why did you say those hurtful things to me (statement one and two are passive aggressive and blaming you)…. your ignoring me, your being hurtful….
      3. Upfront and CORDIAL???? CORDIAL??? who uses that type of language? Flowery language alert!!!
      4. You are accusing me of things that I haven’t done (your in the wrong, your lying) –
      5. I care for you….. (yeah sure you do)
      6. My heart aches…. 🙂 🙂 ….. (I hate losing control)…..

      I guess he tried every other way – so the passive aggressive, blame you, make you feel guilty – and look just how nice and kind he is being?

      If you get this and get confused – return to read the post ‘sociopath and confusion of kindness’.
      2.

      1. Positivagirl,

        Thank you for going thru all this with me. Spot on. I reread all of your posts a lot. It really helps to stay focused and out of his grip. Love you…xxxx

  12. Had a text of ‘hi’ off him , considering i have almost no mobile signal here it came as quite a shock after nearly two years of no contact and knocked me sick!…i changed my mobile number that day…i have had to limit and block everything i can think of over this time , even people i know , (without saying why , because it is so hard to explain) as he is most likely playing the ‘poor me’ or ‘mr wonderful’ around them….i just hope one day the masks slip( plural as he had more that one ) he wears and they see the ugly truth …in the mean time ..god help them.., they have no idea 😦 …i did not’ belong’ to him nor was i ‘his ‘ as he liked to put it…got away … and i am staying free .

    1. Hi Coll, welcome to the site 🙂

      Yes the ‘hi how are you’ text is common too. Don’t say anything else but that, and it leaves you wondering what do they want?

      Power to you for getting away and staying free….

      1. Funnily enough , or perhaps it is because i have read all i can and educated myself on how they work, i never thought ‘what does he want’ my only reaction was to make sure this could not happen again…And later that day realised how i am not yet totally healed …as just a ‘hi’ could make me feel physically sick(try explaining that to someone who has no idea about them, just sounds nuts doesn’t it )

        Thank you for the welcome 🙂

  13. I could feel the anxiety, desperation and victimization in his words. And I felt like I had to defend her and even myself. Unfortunately, I’m able to relate to this. It’s a vicious cycle of mental abuse where no one wins and everyone feels loss.

    1. Yes Me & Bunnyshy, It sounds like something my ex would say, too, down the track. Uncanny isn’t it how it sounds like we dated the same person. I did a domestic violence course recently & alot of what my ex said to me & yours to you, is known as Mental, emotional, spiritual, social abuse.Now days, Domestic Violence, is not just physical. I could feel the desperation,pull, of his words. Much like my ex, creepy lol. love & light, blessings to all 🙂

      1. Thought you’d relate to this re your course you just completed 🙂

        “Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that is designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person. Physical behavior can also be considered emotional abuse. This includes slamming doors, kicking a wall, throwing things, driving recklessly while the victim is in the car. Even milder forms of violence such as shaking a fist or finger at the victim, making threatening gestures or faces, or acting like he or she wants to kill the victim, carry symbolic threats of violence.” The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engle

  14. I have no doubt that they hate not being the centre of your life, and that’s why they keep coming back, just to antagonize. It’s their way of knowing they’ve “won” by still getting a reaction. It’s just so ridiculous.

    I have blocked my ex from my FB, personal and work emails. Unfortunately, I can’t block him from viewing my LinkedIn profile, even though we are not connected. Oh well. He can track me down if he wants to, I left a few tricks up my sleeve just in case he ever decided to interfere with my life either personally or professionally. I think he’s a bit scared of me. Fear is good, in this case.

    1. Hi all, Thanku PR, for that DV checklist of Emotional abuse etc, that was very insightful, much of that list relates to my narc ex. He sometimes got angry when he was driving his car, & would slam car doors, he was good at twisting words, gas lighting, mind games with me. He knew i have aspergers & probably played on it wouldn’t he & his parents sided with him, his father probably controlled him when he was younger, when a child. He told me his father got very angry, rages worse than his. My ex’s were bad enough. He told me that he was much less angry, much calmer by the time he met me me, well surprise, i didnt understand that comment. Boy he must have been a tyrant before with his ex wives etc.

    2. And on a side note – my ex had the audacity to text me on my birthday, and again about 2 weeks later … The last message said “I really feel the need to talk to you and say sorry. What a mess”. Of course, he is so delusional that he thinks it’s normal to seek comfort from me after the betrayal, and assumes that I care what a mess his life is (I don’t). I haven’t responded at all, but my concern is that he’ll show up at my door one night. I’m not scared of him, but just want him out of my life. What a loser – no words can describe how I loathe him.

    3. I managed to gather enough “hard core” evidence against him. Yeah. He didn’t like that when he tried to take me up on “assault” charges. Even the prosecuting attorney told him (I eavesdropped that day in the courthouse to hear this first hand) “Now on a personal note… I strongly recommend you take this deal (which basically said I can’t ever see or talk to him again.. and after a year the court will drop the charges of disorderly conduct, and clear my record).

      That really pissed him off because as a SP there is no contact. He’s used others though. Meh.. the people he’s trying to throw me under the bus to KNOW me for YEARS before “he” ever came into the picture. So he’s basically kicking himself in the arse.

      I still have said evidence. And will ONLY use it if he contacts people in my life these days. But I certainly do keep it around to set the “fear factor” in his mind.

  15. Very interesting and i can really recognise the way of writing my ex did the same.\And i was lurked back many times.
    now i read this i see how it works and what he actually said,
    wow i am still after one year now hurt and still difficult to believe monsters like this excist!

    1. Yes i recognise the flowery langague, my ex was very verbose & good at words, grammar. He used words like cordial etc. I was lured back many times over 1 & 1/2 yrs. He did sms occasionally. He seems to have moved on, silence from him now since 6 June. My facebook pge says i’m with someone else, (an ex from 5 yrs ago) even though i’m not in love with my friend, i let him announce our Rship to keep my ex narc away. Its working. I seem to be immune to falling in love, since the ex narc. I stay with the new man for his kind heart, affectionate personality, & as he’s non possessive, non controlling he gives me my freedom, but sometimes I feel guilty as i dont have reciprocal desire for, in love with him anymore. I did have feelings for him 5 yrs ago. He says he asked me out to protect me from my ex, to stop my ex from trying to get me back. My friend has autism & i have aspergers. My ex narc has a son with autism, he hasnt seen his 2 kids in 8-9 yrs.

  16. After all this time btw i still have a hard time not to look if he was online on whatsapp its weird and not logic at all i have blocked him many times and than unblock him still some stupid tiny hope left if he will contact me , while i know the most important thing is not to contact..
    does anyone have an idea how to not be busy with that and 100% get him out of my system? i am still thankfull for this website with so much support and important infromation.

    1. Do you know what this is the equivalent of though ES?

      This is the equivalent of trying to quit smoking…. but having the odd drag of a fag to get you through, then wondering why so much time later you are still finding it hard to quit smoking.

      No contact is important for HEALING, RECOVERY, SETTING BOUNDARIES – what it is not for is holding your breath and waiting for when you will feel better.

      If you do this, it won’t work, if you keep having the crafty drag of your sociopath (having a look to see if he was online, what he is doing etc)…. this will harm you more.

      When you do no contact. You don’t see what they are doing at all. You shut it out. It is like going through cold turkey. It does hurt – but – it is also effective – what no contact is – is NO FURTHER CONTACT TO HURT YOU!

      By having no further contact to hurt you, it will force you to focus on you, and your own needs, from this you will start to heal, as you will HAVE to. You won’t have a choice.

      You say that you ‘hold out hope’ this would be like a smoker who was kind of quitting smoking as it was bad for their health – but they really didn’t want to.

      You see, you are ‘waiting to see if he contacts you’… did you know that No Contact is about YOU making the decision that you DON’T want to hear from him!!!!

      When YOU make this decision, that is when it starts to get easy (and then you live in hope that he doesn’t contact you). You sound like you are getting there, but it is all about perception and about seeing this in a different way.

      You need to bring the focus and attention back to YOU. for YOUR worth and YOUR life. Someone who has caused damage, is not the person to fix you. IF you get tempted to look, see this as addiction. Say ‘no, not for right now’…. so ‘no not for today’….. stave off that addiction. Soon a week will pass, and then a month. You will be forced to bring back the attention to you and your life. When your own life starts to grow, you will look back, and think wow…. I don’t know if I want that drama back in my life.

      1. Tnx for this this, you say someone who has caused damage , is not the person to fix you…it is soo true so logical if i read it
        how can i think that i would get love from a man who has damaged me?

        He just loves manipulation.
        on fb he blocked me, i am happy with that actually but on whatsapp he just doesn,t
        and ITS TRUE.. I ..have to DECIDE NOT wanting contact,
        i forget that sometimes
        cause of feeling rejected waiting to be accepted again.

        Het wrote to me last week after i deblocked him on whatsapp.

        “I was happy you blocked me why you deblocked me?”

        And only those words trigger all my anger and gives him again some controle over my feelings
        He is the most ugly man i have had from the outside and also inside,
        so i don,t understand myself of feeling dragged to a monster like that.

      2. Remember that it is all part of the game that they play. All of it. He probably didn’t delete you from wattsapp so that you would look, and think ‘who is he talking to’ he has logged on etc…

        Its all part of the game. You have to let go…. so that you can grow.

        The beauty is that you CAN tell yourself, that YOU have blocked HIM. (even if it is the other way around) 🙂

        Him writing to say that he was happy that you blocked me why deblock me? Is just to

        WIN
        Be in CONTROL (as he probably wasn’t happy you had blocked him) he likes to be the one to do that.

      3. yes its so very true and thanks so much butterflygirl and positiva girl for the support!
        wondering why he does this and why he does that is just a waste of energy it is more what is good for me?no contact
        and go on with my new life 🙂

      4. He does this as he sees life as a game. People are either

        – Willing players in the game
        – Enemies and a threat
        – Accomplices OR
        – potential victims OR
        – Recycled victims

        Any response that you offer back, merely extends the game. The cycle continues. It is a waste of energy for you – but for them, as long as they can win and be in control, its worth the energy….

      5. and yes…. what is important. Isn’t what he is, or isn’t. It is how he makes you feel about you!!

        If he makes you feel BAD – he is BAD for you. Every time you feel bad, I want you to think, I feel bad, because of him. This means that he is BAD for me.

        If you are going through a difficult, painful time, BREATH in deep….. fresh new air… (and your new life) breath OUT deep the toxins of him… repeat this 5 times…. Breath IN your new life, breath OUT the toxin and the bad of him… 🙂

      6. thank you 🙂 i remember he literely said once to me that life is a game…..

        ,,, only i din,t know of sociopaths that time…no my alarms would go ringing!

        i will do the breathing practice :))

    2. TIME.. and coming to sites like this in times of need. You have the answer in your head. Just remind yourself of all of it. I took to typing it out for court. But then I went back and elaborated on what I knew to be sincere disfunction. When I get weak, I will go back and re-read this. It’s like my sane brain talking to me. And it goes away. If that doesn’t work, get someone you trust on the phone if possible.

  17. as an add to the above , sometimes i am even afraid he turned me into a sociopath does anyone else got that too?but for the reason i feel a lot got a lot of empathy and an eq of 150+ (after a test i,ve done) i can,t be,, its just that i feel so much anger towards him … if anyone can relate or is further in the process of letting go any feedback is welcome

    1. I wish that I could post a picture on here that I made…. it says ” Every day away from you…..I heal…

      You will not heal until you cut off all ties to him. As much as it hurts, it is necessary for you to become who you were meant to be. Happy! 🙂

    2. Yes also asked myself this question ! as i was being very short and feeling angry towards someone trying to help me, but not knowing how in the early stages of leaving…then i realised just by asking myself this i could not possibly be so?! , i feel genuine love , compassion and i have a conscience……..
      Anyone else notice that sly smile they seem to have when being nasty towards you?

      1. Hi Coll 🙂
        The sly smile, the deep stare & the eye twitch is all part of the mask.

        I realised well after that mine ate his nails to the quick when he was excited about the ruse etc….he had the most ugly fingers, pity he didn’t nibble himself away completly
        It’s a wonder they don’t poke your eye out like Pinnochio, just like in Shrek when his nose grows! Can you imagine all the huge hooters 😉
        I mean noses not boobs by the way!

        PR xoxo

      2. i remember the worst thing when it all collapsed at the and was he was after i screamed to him angry that he is hurting me, he said back 3 times with pride and with a relaxed calmth in his fase not yet smiling
        “i don,t care if i hurt you” i freaked out ..and kicked him in his balls,.. it was a relief but also i lost controll of my anger that was build up for all that time being with him explode..

        But it was the worst thing happening
        CAn you believe that?I never met anyone cruel like that.
        Also his daughter (12) was in his house in the living room afterwards he blamed me that i was bad for his daughter ..
        So in the end he made me the bad one and because of all the hurt i was so confused i almost started thinking i was crazy ..

      3. Cant seem to reply directly to Pheonix or ES,
        Hi Pheonix 🙂
        Yes the stare Pheonix! also a bizzare cough he did ??he chewed his cud along with the arms folded high on his chest .= his mind thinking on how to get back at someone or me, like clockwork on every sunday night(i had to sit in silence) after having his poor daughter ….shame they do not grow huge hoots from all the lies …be a lot easier to spot/avoid 🙂

        ES, yes i can believe it, it sounds like he was baiting you ,trying to pushing you over the edge, react whilst his daughter was there, no doubt so when alone with her he could do the ‘see i told you so malarky’…vile monsters , who’s minds never stop thinking up the next move on how to destroy /control someone .

      4. Hi Coll, sometimes if texting from phone, reply doesnt come even if ticked? So, you just put @whoever etc..😃

        Mine would clear his throat which was probably a precursor to a whopping lie! Haha & the folding of the arms is the power stance & I got that all the time…he was like a pidgeon, all puffed up especially when in lecture mode! They are funny creatures aten’t they 😃

        Keep going, stay strong & learn, read, share & support & you will be fine 😃

        PR xoxo

      5. I caught my ex P several times with the gleeful smirk on his face. One time in a Skype conversation, he did not know his camera was on and he had the most awful contemptuous smirk on his face while pretending all kinds of BS as he was leading the ‘conversation’ all over the place – just amusing himself playing with my emotions. That was a real wake up call for me. I saw him unmasked, and it was evil.

    3. They would love to drive us to start acting like them, to lower ourselves to their level. They are motivated to try to destroy anything good. I noticed that I was starting to act kind of negative, out of hurt and anger, vindictive like the ex P. It is a normal response to being abused by a P, and I work to overcome it and to think, feel, and act with compassion, kindness, honesty and patience.

      1. good to hear its a common thing, yes as much as we can stay who we are , who we were before the vampire.

      2. that is very true…I was home minding my own business…he enters my life again and ive been vindictive, negative and acting out of anger towards him

    4. Hi Es, i know what u mean, lol! As i’m going out with a nice man now, I dont feel as tempted to go back, replay the cycle with my ex. I think my ex knows that. My current boyfriend is good about it, he even said he is stopping my ex trying to get me back. But i do have recurrent thoughts of the ex, his nrg connects to mine still at times. I have empathy & pray to God, holy spirit for more connection to,with God.

      1. Hi Dragonfly, yes praying and connecting to God is so important.Just after the break up i was feeling so lost i went to church every week, it helped me a lot to connect with the love source,it safed me! alltough i never was really going to the church and more in to meditating and living spiritual in my own way..it helped so much to connect with other people and finding a way of positive loving thinking.

    5. Yes since my ex narc, Often i feel numb or shut off when i’m with my kind friend, when he hugs me & looks into my eyes & i look back, he says he loves me & i say it back to him, so not to hurt his feelings. While i’m thinking, how can u do this, u dont love him, so u are lying. Well I do love him but more like a friend now, but my friend loves me as girlfriend soulmate i sense. I have empathy, but often feel closed off, when with my friend. Do u think i went into Rship too soon? He will be very hurt if i say i only want to be friends now, i worry about hurting people’s feelings so I tend to go along with what they want, for long as i can. When i come home, i sometimes get teary eyed, feel sad as i think of my ex narc again, as he lives in nearby town. My kind friend lives in Melb. I hope thats not sociopath behaviour but its disconnection, of some kind.

      1. Hi Dragonfly, i think you are doing fine and taking care of yourself now.
        Don,t feel guilty please
        You have made a good new start in your life.
        And we learned by the sociopath to feel guilty for his feelings so we start to feel guilty for everything we do.
        The most important is for us to learn where our boundary,s are.
        And to learn that is to connect with our true feelings.
        And the most important love your self .
        Loving yourself means you have selfrespect self esteem because you are important and worth living you are alife your life has value!
        Feel that value so you can feel where and when to say “NO “.
        True friends will respect that.Because they love you for who you are and what you feel.
        Your feelings are real.
        And be proud of yourself stepping out of a unhealthy relationship.

        love and take care Esther

  18. After being on this website excessively, as well as talking to numerous counselors, etc., I can say, with certainty, that this IS the type of relationship I was in for almost 3 years. I do not care what others say, that this is just “regular” relationship problems. THIS IS NOT a “regular relationship problem.” A sociopath does not know HOW to have a regular, normal, healthy relationship. A sociopath only knows his (or her) way, and that way is ALL about control. I made the mistake of taking him back time after time, listening to his excuses about his behavior, about his lies, about how everything was my fault and none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for me (yes, he really did say that to me), and after this last time of moving to try to get away, I finally had enough. ENOUGH! The no-contact order (restraining order) is now in effect for 2 years per my request, and it WILL be renewed when the 2 years expires. Sociopaths claim to want happiness, comfort, security, but in reality, it is chaos that they strive for. It is the chaos in your life that makes them feel in control, because they, themselves, cause the chaos.

    This website has been incredibly helpful, and for that, I will be eternally grateful. It has nothing to do whether the sociopath is a man or a woman, both are equally able to be a sociopath. It has EVERYTHING to do with being able to identify the signs of an unhealthy (and sometimes dangerous) relationship, and realize that you are NOT crazy, that you are NOT imagining this stuff, and that you DESERVE to be treated with honest love, respect and honor.

    1. “Sociopaths claim to want happiness, comfort, security, but in reality, it is chaos that they strive for. It is the chaos in your life that makes them feel in control, because they, themselves, cause the chaos.”

      That is an accurate insight; I knew the ex P deliberately caused chaos but could not really articulate in detail why, beyond that he enjoyed harming others. It’s power and control they desire.

      1. Yes, NMI….:)

        Disordered mind = disordered life.

        My perpetrator (I call him this now as there seems to be objections to labeling so, to make it clearer to those observing these posts,I am establishing my word for the person that perpetrated the abuse upon me).
        I call myself the ‘target’ as a victim is acknowledging victimization & I no longer want to identify with this as I unknowingly was being gamed.
        Had I known of the method’s of mind-playing & the covert nature of these ‘perpetrators’, I feel I would have done things very differently.
        I still don’t get people that stay knowing they are being played but, you know what…that’s not my problem 🙂 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. PR, you are a survivor, you are not longer the victim of the perpetrator
        I am a survivor, I’m not the victim of Pinnochio anymore.
        Now the way is clearer to a brighter place…
        Luz y amor para ti también!!!

      3. Mucho besos para ti mi amor hermoso 🙂

        I hope that’s right 🙂

        Into the ‘light’ we go NMI….xoxox

      4. That’s the word that best describe a relationship with a sociopath, chaos…

    2. Hi Butterfly girl, I agree they create chaos disruption, fights, as they seem to get bored otherwise. They crave excitement. I miss excitement at times but not the anger rages, fights initiated by him, jekyll & Hyde dual personality, gas lighting or mind games or social isolation tactics, controlling my life. Thanku for your inspiring, caring, insightful post. Love & Light, gods peace to u all. Yes we all deserve Love Respect, Honour, Truth.

  19. hey Positivagirl, this is one of your best posts to date. Love the incisive way you deconstruct the spath’s logic. your clarity is enviable. Thanks.

  20. Hi Pos & everyone (yes everyone) here 🙂

    I think they use word salad to match the fruit bowl mind because, they are BANANA’s!

    As some may recall, my disordered mind or my perpetrator as, I now seem to like calling him among other things 😉 phoned me after 10 months of NC to ‘set me straight!’.
    Naturally by then I was having none of him or his games so, I stood my ground & saw right through the lies, manipulation etc…oh but, he did get my back up (he had no idea) when he started to denigrate the OW to me…(the chosen one had fallen from grace typically & life in paradise was souring)….Hmmm & when he started with the ‘I miss you’ & ‘the last 10 years couldn’t mean nothing to me????’….Pardon????
    Oh & what a ‘wonderful bedazzling person’ I am….I’ll take that one 😉 🙂 as truth 🙂 🙂

    I won’t go on as you get the gist but, I thanked him & forgave him his inability to act like a decent human being as, that’s all anyone asks of another.
    We come here to support & share & heal & if someone doesn’t like that then, ‘bully for them’…..the term ‘bully’ is again apt 😉

    If you act like a child then, expect to be dealt with like one.
    Ignored for the period it takes for you to change your behavior to acceptable & as, you are a full grown adult & not an actual child, this will be forever.
    You cannot & will not change but, you will rant & rave until you get your comeuppance….& they do….Karma has no deadline but, definitely gives back to you what you choose to give out!
    My ex was still talking when I hung up the phone for good 😉

    Although, I did send him an email telling him nicely that he was a Socialized Sociopath/Covert Narcissist with examples of his behavior etc…all stages of the patterning, lies & manipulation.
    I had the confirmation from the OW a (Dr of Sociology) that we were indeed dealing with this personality trait so, I felt somewhat qualified to make this diagnosis with her blessing 🙂
    I did this to have the last word & closure as they hate being ‘found out’ & he won’t bother me again as he knows it’s ‘Game Over’.

    I don’t recommend anyone doing this but, write it down, each stage & then recall an example of it…i.e…..the love bombing…example…the gaming…example…the followers…names etc…get the drift & then keep this when you are doubting yourself & read it, especially the end when you write….’Game Over’….I am FREE 🙂

    Love & Light 🙂
    PR xoxo

  21. I haven’t been on here lately…I was with a man that I truly believe is a soc for 2 1/2 years and been out of the relationship for 7 months which doesn’t feel like it since I seem to think about him daily. I had gone three months without any contact but a couple of weeks ago I responded to an email and there I went next thing I am having coffee with him, listening to how sorry he is and how much he misses me and I am the women that he loves, I kept reminding him that he is living with the women he was having an affair with, but that didn’t seem to matter to him, he would tell me that she means nothing that he only thinks of me. I don’t know why but I enjoyed seeing him, and realized how much I missed him, and wanted to believe what he was saying. A couple weeks went by and he would call and we talk. I kept telling myself be careful but my head and heart were in two completely different places. Yesterday he showed up at my home and we ended up having some amazing sex, it felt like he was a different man, very much more present and passionate. When he left I felt horrible and couldn’t believe that I know put myself as the other women, I called him and he was busy, as the day went I felt even more terrible realized that this is not what I want and need to stay away from him. I sent him a message last night telling him they I need to move with my life and I cannot have him in it, I didn’t hear from him, I still haven’t heard from him, before the sex He wouldn’t stop calling…I know I did this to myself and have to deal with the emotional consequences and I will. I feel so alone and ashame, I don’t want to tell any of my friends because they won’t understand. I don’t understand how can I be so dumb and allow this man into my life… I am trying to feel better so I came onto this site which has helped in the past, I just wished I wouldn’t of broken the No contact rule….thanks for all the support we have here, I am truly grateful.

    1. Carrie, I am there with you. Ok, I haven’t told Positiva or contacted anyone ( with an exception- a recent online buddy in another city) about this situation. I’ve done the same. He used Mother’s day to get in with me ( momma passed last Fall), and I went against better judgement and replied. That led to another email, and then him knocking on my door! I wouldn’t go to the door. BUT, he sent me another email where he said he was returning an item to see me and why wouldn’t I answer the door. I told him I was BUSY, and yes I actually have a life now after 3 months no contact.

      He insisted he come by again, this time with me totally off guard, he was on my street by the time I read his text ( which I also unblocked him because I am a glutten for punishment!). So he arrived, me firmly intent on not letting myself succumb to his ways. It took me only minutes. Yes we got into bed- I had to stop myself from typing “making love” because, although I loved him so, he seems to not know what the term means. It was exciting and passionate, after a long drought on my side. He told me afterwards that “let’s just take it slow this time” and “he’s not sure what he may do with the lover he took in the meantime”- I was like “so you would move all the way down to their city to stay?” He said he might, as it was easier for him to uproot himself then this other person. Enter anxiety- heart ramblings, utter angst. But it is their game plan, DUH!

      I was distant and cold all weekend. No calls from him ( obviously still filling his free time with texts to new Love) and probably phone calls too and all the while so proud of himself that he got me back! I used to hate the frequency of calls, and the endless bantor about nothing so great. Now, he played me and I get depressed because I am not getting the calls/texts! NO CONTACT- if you break this rule you set yourself up for. Yesterday he texts “why so quiet”? I was like oh duh, you think I am such an idiot. I am. You know what he replied the other day when I asked him to tell me why he loved me so much? “because you love ME”! UGHHHHHHHHH

      Positiva, I wondered, am I really ok? I fall into fits of tears over the loss of my normal world, you know, my Mom is GONE. My job is gone, I have no friends really that check on me regularly. It seems everyone is so busy with their own shite, and I understand that. I am a self-professed loner, so this is what you think I would want. But I so miss my deceased BFF, and my mom. Even my cats that disappeared last Summer! LOL- I feel amazed that I can even subsist on what I do do. I think that is why I make excuses to account for my take on the ex. He’s not as bad as some of these psycos. Does that mean anything?

      Look, I know it’s wrong. I know my exSpath is not as bad as this example- hell he wouldn’t go out of HIS way to bother all the sleuthing and neither of us do FB. I know his words were hollow- and yet the sex was, as it always was, wonderful. I think how I could just use him for physical apsect and keep the search on for myself, my future love and not even try to pretend ours is a relationship. I am in contact with many nice guys I’ve met online, but as you well know, there are lots of tricksters. I bide my time, all I know is mine thinks he’s in control, but I don’t play the game the same way anymore. Isn’t that what life is all about? Just a damn human game. A diversion from this curious Universe.

      So no, don’t feel bad Carrie- I think we all on here have similar stories of. If you archived mine and seen all I been through, you would be amazed I could even kiss such a fool. I am an IDIOT! But I forgive myself and know I will move on, eventually! As Phoenix said, we all move on in our own time! I think that was her! But there are many strong, great people on here and thank God I am a part of this site.
      Thanks in advance for reading my ramblings! Thanks Positiva, love this thread as it got me to open up. I had been hiding here! LOL
      Oh, and screw that commenter who said this was a “woman’s prob”!
      I am a gay man, and trust me, men can be this way straight or whatever- woman too. It’s the mind that is the condition, not the sex!
      Obvious troll that dude was- prob. someone else’s spathe!
      Edaldude

      1. Oh Edalude, can you just remember who you truly are & believe in yourself. Please don’t sell yourself short & please don’t sell your heart.
        Each time you ‘feel’ bad, your heart is damaged, physically & spiritually.
        You are just cycling around the same track & you must get off that track & onto another.
        Get another pet, something you can love & take care of, you have much to give.
        You just stay here among friends & heal, your not alone & you must look within, not out.
        If you write down your values & beliefs & then adhere to them, you will slowly reinforce yourself back to you.
        Don’t let him hurt your heart anymore please.

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. Edaldude,

        thank you for you experience, strength and hope. I am feeling a little better after reading all the posts and realizing that I am not alone. I trusted this man and as much as he has done , he has a way to manipulate me into believing him or maybe I just want to believe in him that he might not be a sociopath or that he truly loves me. I wish that my head and heart would be on the same page and I would be able to see the real truth about him. I have to keep my heart out of this and just go with what my head tells me and that is to stay clear away from him, since he is not good for me. I know that and my whole body knows it, I have been feeling very drained and depressed since I have been communicating with him and I hasn’t felt that way the last few months. So I am starting today, NO CONTACT, blocked his emails and phone…I know that is what is best for me. He is toxic to me and I have to accept that. I am going to get back on my path of recovery and heal so that one day I will be opened to finding the real love that I truly deserve. Thanks Hope you get yourself a nice kitty and take care of you. Don’t isolate yourself, that is what the soc wants and don’t let him win…

        Hugs,
        Cmarie

      3. Aw Eldadude, YES you are NORMAL. You have lost your mum. Someone so important in your life. When have you had time to grieve properly? How you are feeling sounds to me normal. If you are finding it hard to cope, perhaps go to see your doctor. Or get some professional help for depression. You have had so much happen to you, in such a short time, it is not surprising that you feel the way that you do. So many losses, upsets and let downs in such a short space of time. It might help to work 1-1 with a counsellor/therapist, to work through your feelings, and all that has happened to you. GOOD I am pleased that this thread helped you to open up. I am sorry that I had been away for so long, but I will be back to posting again regularly.

    2. I am so sorry he was successful in using you the way he did. He deceived you. You believed him because you are a good kind forgiving person and you try to see the good in others. Those are all wonderful traits to have as long as we’re interacting with normal people. The sociopath exploits these traits, as they exploit everything good.
      A red flag was that he was still living with the OW when he came courting you. If he meant the things he said about her and about you, he would have been willing to break up with her and be on his own for awhile before getting serious with you.

      1. Annettepk, I agree and I told him that how can I believe ggetting he is serious when he is living with a women. He was living with me before I moved out and shortly after I found out about the other women. I am feeling better today, I am taking ownership of my actions, they weren’t right, but I should of know that I cannot go up against him, he always wins. So I am not going to put myself, in that position again. This site is amazing, I font think I would be able to feel better as quick as I do, if it wasn’t for this blog.

    3. Hi CMarie,
      I know what u mean, i struggle with emotions, wanting to see or talk with my ex,& i felt like having passion with him again. He enters my thoughts on daily basis. We staying no contact but he did send me some info in the mail that i wanted. I saw him recently at the shops, he was very distant, barely looked, sickly smile at me. He was uncomfortable. He wanted me back, earlier on. Feel sad for you, what you’re going through. Hope you can do No Contact from Now on. It will hurt but you will emerge over the other side, stronger for it. Yes its sad when friends don’t understand, as they don’t understand the addictiveness of spaths, narcs, very charming, larger than life, I know as my ex is like that. If we talked or visited, he would have moved in with me again,he would have expected the full time committment, intense relationship but I know he would cause chaos, start arguments, preach at me, do the Jekyll Hyde on me. Thats why i dont go back but yes i have felt tempted especially since saw him the other day, but the emotional coldness, distance from him, put me off, luckily. Hope this man doesn’t use you again. Wish u lived here, we could meet up, have coffee, talk regularly. At least we all have this site,support from Pos & PR & everyone. Thinking of you, stay strong, u will heal in time. Try to stay no contact, block him off your facebook, dont take his calls, block emails, thats the only way to heal, permanently but it does take time yes & is an addiction, I feel the pull of his energy, wonder what hes doing & if hes thinking of me. But me having the new boyfriend, keeps my ex away from me. Love & Light, God Bless, Take Care.

  22. My ex pretended to be her hubby.. Telling me that he wanted to break up with her, and was asking if i had sex tapes to to prove she was cheating. (I was told by her that they were getting divorced, and she was single) I did break a cardinal rule and contacted her, saying ur hubby was messaging me, knowing it was her doing the messaging. SILENCE IS GOLDEN lol

    1. Lol, you should have texted back, ‘sure, which volume would you like?’

      Titles….Socio does Dallas….Socio Sucks….Death of a Vampira….LOL…
      Sorry, I just couldn’t help it ;)….Blood sucking Socio freaks….omg….so many….like war & peace….or whore & cease???? LOL….

      PR xoxox

      1. Haha .. Too funny, if i had video editing skills ay lol.. I think she was hoping id filmed something secretly, so she could make me look bad to her family, who despise her.. Unluckily for her had nuttin :p
        xx

      2. Hahaha, send them a blank tape & tell them it’s all she is, black & empty :)….or a crazy ‘jack in the box’….I’m over thinking it now 😉 😉

        Sending you a hug ((())) PR x

      3. Hi PR, Lol!
        Death of a Sociopath (death of a Salesman), The End of the Tear (End of the Affair). On Again, Off Again (Onegin), Age of Intense Chaos (Age of Innocence) Lol! There is another dvd chronicles the story of a chaotic relationship, its Korean. Its called Happy Together. I haven’t seen it, but its not as dark as that other one i mentioned to u. I think this one would be an interesting, realistic viewing.Lol.

  23. I just received a big promotion at work (the good things started to come as he went away from my life) he send me an email and text message congratulating me. I( The only way he can have the information was if my family or friends told him or with my work Web page) I didn’t answer. His next messages were to wish me the best, that he have at last the happiness that he always wanted and have a lot of girls willing to give him what I didn’t. I ignore him. Four days later he called and left a message saying “if you need references to your new position, you can give them my new number, ” he said his number and finished his message with a “I can say to them who you really are”. So, my experience says that he keep trying to know about me, that he keep trying to get a reaction from me and he is still keeping to manipulate and control me

    1. Congratulations on your promotion NMI 🙂

      He will hate the fact that you have gone on & kept thriving without him.
      They are so jealous & possessive, mine told me that continuously.

      He actually said & I quote from the master himself,
      ‘You would not be able to tolerate me, I am a very jealous & possessive man & I would not subject you to that!’….telling words & I remember thinking….’You got that right!’….;)

      You continue to rise & rise, way above his brand of ‘crazy’ NMI…
      Your an inspiration & so very very wonderful, he on the other hand is a ‘twat’…

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

    2. Congratulations on the great improvements in your life and seeing right through him now AND not responding to it. Bravo! Bravo!

  24. In Ancient time’s, his name would have been Biggus Dickus….not for his appendage though! 😉

    A ‘twat’ is like a ‘twit’ or a fool or just a bottomless pit….lol ;PR

  25. this all sounds so familiar and it is eery how they will find ways and means to get into your head. As mentioned before my SOC had managed to hack my work email and directed all my mail to come to him as well. he was privy to info he should never have been privy too. he now faces the firing squad and has taken off on sick leave to try to find “help” to get better. It annoys me that everyone is starting to feel so sorry for him, that he is supposedly in the grip of depression. How can it be when it is my life that he destroyed, my career that he debilitated?

    People using depression as an excuse to play for time really bothers me. he is not depressed, he is an obsessive stalker who has lived a double life for such a long time, has been caught out, and is only looking for a way to fix his life. it has nothing to do with me or his wife or his son.

    it is simply another way for him to have sympathy from others.

    sigh….. it really upsets me. i am still so stuck even after a year. He texts me over and over daily, until he gets a reaction from me. somedays i am strong and i dont respond and other days he wears me down. he often messages to say that i have replaced him, am i out on a date with my new lover? he rides past my flat at night checking to see if i am home or out, checks to see if there is a car in my parking bay. Phones insistently and when i dont answer he redials over and over. Last night, 80 calls in less than an hour. i dont put my phone off as i am always concerned that my mom might need me in an emergency. He will call until all hours of the morning until he gets the response he wants. always ending the night with a “i love you” and starting the mornings the same.

    Its so tiring and emotionally draining. i am starting a new job in June at a new company and am hoping not to take this drama into it.

    1. You know, that NO CONTACT is the only way to heal. As they deliberately create dependency and addiction to them. You need the break so that you can heal and recover. Otherwise you keep playing the game with them. And this can go on forever.

      1. “Stalking, Hacking, & Crushing (having a crush on someone)are all violent & predatory terms. Why can’t they see that they are by definition, “Predators”?
        The person I’m thinking of sees himself as “Mr. Respectable, Wouldn’t hurt a fly Guy”. This is his persona. IMHO, he lives secret lives, & has done since youth.
        He has checked, & has had his friends check my driveway @ night. He has parked outside my house on the street. (We had had no contact for months, & were at best slightly friends.)
        When he posted on a board, a variation of my nik from another board with a picture of himself, I knew for sure that not only had he been hacking my computer, but by attaching the picture he had ‘signed’ for the act! He thought it was o.k.!! He was confused when I went berserk about it.. A week or so later, I was working in my front yard. I have been avoiding my own front yard all Spring because of him & his buddies.
        I hear a car approach, cross the street to my side, slow down & come very close to me. the car continues & stops about 35 ft. away. I look up, & he is peering intently through the side view mirror @ me with the shark eyes. (scrunched down in the seat, with his hat pulled down to almost eye level, as usual.) WHY!!??? He already knows I’m mad as Hell..
        You can cut all contact with them but it’s a 2 way street.

      2. I know I wrote the post how to get even with one in desperation…. As establishing no contact can be impossible and simply escalate the stalking. It feels like being emotionally raped. Violated they have no comprehension of privacy or personal space as they think they own you.

    2. Oneday,

      From how you describe his behavior, this is the definition of stalking! My ex also did this. DO NOT ALLOW THIS! Do you have anti-stalking laws where you are? If so, go to the police and get this behavior to stop. It is not healthy and will not end well. Block his texts, block his calls, and change your number if the police cannot (or will not) help you. If you do choose to make this behavior stop and you go to the police, keep the records of his calls and his texts. Ask him (via text) to stop contacting you. Make that your standard response a few times. If that doesnt work, go to the police.

  26. My ex broke up with me and turned up 3 yrs later just after I split with a current BF. I always thought it odd how he knew where I’d moved to and just happened to write to me just after my breakup! I then went on to have a on/off 10 yr relationship with this loser, 2 kids, violence , cheating, lies, drink, dis function a list of ex he kept in touch with! Finally a year on now and he’s moved out and has so far left me alone! Still get the odd email though! I guess he will always be the same! Trust your instincts I wish I had!

  27. I received many bizarre and scrambled emails and texts from my ex narc….I wonder if the lack of spelling / punctuation are common traits??!! So, so pathetic – always want justification and blaming. I can still feel my blood pressure rise when I recall all the bullshit messages he would send me…

    1. Hi Jennifer,

      They often spell poorly when they are angry or raging so, just another sign of the disordered mind & a big red flag not to reply etc…

      When you get the perfect spelling & context etc…they are in gaming mode & trying to look for a way back in etc…hoping for a response.
      That was my experience anyway.

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. My ex would write these ranting letters and emails, and LOL’d a LOT. Reading his writing made me feel unsettled and him seem unstable – which of course he was.

  28. how do you try to keep your calm when you not only have a psychopathic ex, but also his ex wife who is his partner in crime who try to destroy your life…..who get a kick out of duping innocent women?

      1. no positivagirl, I have no children and do not work with him. I found out that his ex wife helps him dupe new victims, and I was one of them.

        I got the opportunity to get even with both of them. I called them names. wished them all kinds of evil things….but it derived me no pleasure in the end, maybe because I have a conscious. maybe the best thing to do is forgive.

  29. This chain of comments is fascinating! I don’t know whether my ex is a sociopath or not, though, because if trying to contact me is one of the characteristics of a sociopath, he isn’t. After I caught him molesting our daughter and reported him to the police, after he pled guilty, and after he knew “the gig was up,” he focused his attention on his present wife, the woman who he had been cheating with. He never bothered me after our divorce was final, either. All he seemed to care about was the fact that he had been mandated to pay for my therapy, and he wanted me OUT of therapy. He did say, however, that if I had not stopped his behavior, one of us would be dead, but he didn’t specify who would be dead.

    Is he a sociopath? He used our daughter for sex and performed cruel and sadistic sexual acts on me with apparently no feelings of remorse. In fact, he told me that I way overreacted to his molesting our daughter. But he has never bothered me since. He did, however, force himself upon our daughter when she was no longer young enough to be protected as a minor by the law, but I made sure he stopped that behavior when I found out. He has no conscience, clearly, but is he a sociopath? I simply don’t know. Any opinion?

    1. We have talked about this before Jef, from what you have described to me, he sounded like a distempered psychopath. A very dangerous person with zero conscience 😦 I hope you are doing ok?

      1. Thanks, Positivagirl. I guess I got confused because he does seem to fit the template in so many ways, but on the other hand, he doesn’t. And I’m doing fine. I’m finishing–if one ever really does finish!–therapy, have relocated to a small town from the big city, and I’m reconnecting with my daughter. So far, no PTSD symptoms, but if they do recur, at least I have the tools to deal with them. Now I’m trying to get speaking appointments so I can help people understand that the miserable symptoms of PTSD can be alleviated and a person can find a modicum of peace and lots of hope for the future. That’s what I want to do with this last portion of my life. : ) Thanks for all you do, Positivagirl! Jean

    2. Hi Jefairgrieve,

      Does it matter what you label him? He’s a child molester & monster so, that’s enough to know he’s a disordered mind.
      Good on you for standing up to him & getting your daughter away from that atrocity of a man!

      I wish you & your daughter continued Love & Light as, you have survived the ultimate betrayal of having your child preyed upon by someone that should protect her & not harm her 😦

      They don’t all stalk their prey with contact but, he will just keep some connection back & it could be years later with, just a call to see how you are etc…just move on with your life & make it a great one as you deserve it.
      That will be the ultimate justice that you are entitled too, living the best life you possibly can 🙂

      Good Luck & Be Happy 🙂

      Love PR xoxo

      1. Hi, PR–No problem with contact. It’s been 32 years since I got rid of him, and he has been married to the person he cheated on me with. He has never stalked me or shown any interest in contacting me. He turned the lives of my daughter, my son, and me upside down and inside out, and then he cut off his connection with us. So that is another way in which he does not fit the typical sociopathic pattern. I feel as if I came out winner because my kids and I have a good relationship, and he has nothing–except his money. He won’t be able to take his money with him when he dies, but I will die knowing that my kids love me and I love them. I’d say I was far richer than he is!

      2. Yes Jefair 🙂
        You are the ultimate winner & you have untold wealth 🙂
        Money has no value whatsoever in the afterlife but, love does & you definitely have that 🙂

        Imagine, if he is not loved by his children in this life, when he goes, that’s it!
        Whereas you will be thought of & remember with love & you will never end as love is eternal & it’s what connects us from this life to the next 🙂

        I believe in reincarnation.(my personal belief only).
        I think Socio’s or whatever they are come back as Mosquito’s, no real purpose but, to suck blood…., we evolve up & they go down the food chain :)….
        I love to swat them & think, ‘Ha there goes another Sociosquito’….hahahaha 😉

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

    3. Your description sounds like a sociopath or psychopath. You could go through the checklist of traits (you can find this on line) and see how many of them fit.

    4. ‘No conscience’ is the definition of a sociopath.
      The ‘traits’ do not mean a thing, merely a POSSIBLE outcome of having no empathy.
      He sounds like one. He knows what’s wrong, he just doesn’t care.

  30. While I’m not saying this is the case with this specific situation, a reoccurring problem I see often is people take the side of the people they hear most of/have a personal experience with.
    While, yes, it’s possible for this guy to honestly be a complete dick and your ‘translation’ would be accurate, it’s also possible that you shut him down so quickly because you heard the other side of the argument first, and you have a strong ‘thing’ against sociopaths. It’s called stimulus generalisation, and unfortunately it’s far too common.

    1. Can I just point out Lyss. That I HADN’T heard the other sides story!!! As I hadn’t been around. I came back and went through comments. I read the comment first before I heard the other persons story!

      it didn’t matter what the other persons story was. This person had commented, I was writing to them. As for ‘invasion of privacy’ how? Their comment was a public comment on this forum. I merely copied it, and wrote a response in a post. They hadn’t emailed the person – this was a comment – on this site.

  31. After reading through all of these comments, I truly finally feel that I am not alone! I constantly struggle with the “what ifs” and the “did I do the right thing? and “the maybe I was reading too much into this?” Only a person who goes through this can truly understand how devastating a relationship like this is (if you really want to call it that- I am still not sure).

    Yes, I still miss him- but the REALITY of it is- I miss what I THOUGHT he was, not what he truly was. I miss the intimacy. Of course I do, but after all of this soul-searching, I know that I was in love with a fantasy, not the person he really was. When a “relationship” is built on lies, deceit, control, and so much emotional abuse that it makes your head spin- that is NOT LOVE. A person who truly loves YOU will not DESTROY you.

    Hence- the no-contact (protection) order. It is designed to protect me (both mentally and physically) from him, but it also PREVENTS ME from contacting HIM. He was like a drug in some ways, and that is NOT healthy. Think of it this way- a no contact order (especially an order of protection here in the states) PREVENTS- BY LAW- any contact between the two of you or the use of a third party. I needed to force myself to stay away FROM HIM as much as I needed him to stay away from me. Only then can you begin to heal your heart and your life.

  32. yes Coll,
    it was a horrible , i felt like he needed to make proof that his lies,he told his familly to get rid of me, where true.
    While what he had done (for the i don,t know how many times,after he dragged me back with candy talk)stopping all the contact for a sudden and when i tried to contact not responding….
    I went to his house to contact him to see what was going on… i was allready pushed into emotional , scared , worried, and really stressed behaviour,
    he wanted me to act like a psycho bitch,
    Now he had is his young daughter to tell everyone i was one,
    My own daughter (one year younger)told me once that his daughter told her she hates her dad and she never knows what he is up to.. it is so scary that people like that destroy so much.

  33. I wish everyone strength and love not to contact them and to heal from the addiction..i didn,t get all the messages so my respond on Coll was a bit late while the conversations where allready going on.

    I,m happy with this website even after a year i still makes me strong
    and it helps to read experiences from everyone here to understand and recognise.
    Thanks for sharing
    Love

  34. WOW!! This article has hit very close to home for me. This website has given me so much strength, comfort and piece of mind that when the sociopath discarded me again 3 months, I found the strength within to keep away from wanting to try and reason with him, wanting answers why he acts the way he does, why the silence etc. I deleted his number and deleted him from social networking and thought that was the end of it and that! I told myself perhaps I had it wrong as I couldn’t see him showing back up after the amount of desperate attempts I made to make peace with him and the situation…

    I got the biggest shock of all when he re added me and sent me a message hoping that i was ok! Like a fool i accepted the request and responded and without him even knowing that i had deleted his number from my phone he sent me his number asking me to text him!! This is what he sent me ‘we need to talk, I need help lol’ so I said ‘Whats up?’ no response so I message again ‘I’m all ears’ and he says ‘I’m in a bad way, out of control. I am unstable, I am in a bad place was before, pushed away the most beautiful girl ever’

    Well I was in complete and utter shock as he had called me ‘mad, crazy and unstable previously! So I replied saying ‘would that happen to be the mad, unstable crazy girl you are talking about?’ and he replied ‘yes broken and lost’ i asked if he was referring to me and he said ‘no i am broken and lost and i am sorry i was a t*** to you, i wasn’t strong enough and I need your help now’ then he started paying me compliments so i caved and let my guard down. The following day he spent the whole day messaging me, just about what he was doing that day, general chit chatter and now he has gone completely silent on me again. I thought I would test him so I sent him a message in the evening saying ‘hi do you want to meet up’ and he never responded so i said ‘great, back to the silent treatment again. So the cycle continues Idealise, devalue and discard!’ I couldn’t help it!

    This has really got me thinking. Is he really a sociopath if he has called himself unstable and out of control?? I so want to help him but his silent treatment is causing me pain again and making me anxious. I am thinking there must be something wrong with me because its like I am addicted to this abuse with him otherwise i wouldn’t put myself back through it 😦

    The craziness does not stop there… I joined this hobby site a while back and only my sister knows that i am on it. Its another form of therapy for me and we share stuff with each other, quotes, pics that sort of thing. Well yesterday…I came across a quote that i decided to pin ‘be real with me or just leave me alone’ and someone with the same surname as him and a very uncanny similar first name repined that pin. (i would understand if his name is common but it isn’t) so i clicked onto this person and they had no followers and when i looked at the boards (sorry if you don’t know this site – you will prob be wondering what the hell i am talking about!) well when i looked at one of the boards i kid you not, it had very similar pics of my stuff on there! I feel like I am going crazy, how could he know that i am on there and would he really go to all the effort to do that?! My sister even said why would he make it so obvious having almost the same name of all people!

    He works at quite a high level where his actual profession allows them to hack accounts but why would he do this after spending months of ignoring me during my desperate times of wanting so badly to work things out with him? My friends and family don’t really understand and think that i am obsessed with him, i feel so lonely and frustrated. I could delete his number but whats to stop him from messaging again and adding me back to the social networking site and if he is stalking me on the other social networking site anyway, theres no where to hide.

    Sorry for such an essay! I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice for me?

    1. Hi final closure, welcome to the site 🙂

      I know that you think HOW could he have found me there? I will be straight with you, a sociopath could find a needle in a haystack. They miss NOTHING. Yes it can be really freaky when they track you down, …. as I also know that they can make you feel paranoid as well (I thought everyone was him) – so in the end in complete openness I just wrote a blog (this one) about it 🙂 …. I thought he could read until his hearts content.

      Oh…. just because he is ignoring you (to your face) doesn’t mean that he isn’t stalking you. Silence means not that much. (unless he is the passive aggressive type)

      Remember that

      Winning
      Being in control

      Are the most important things to them. So… they can walk away from you, but they want to keep control.

      If he could hack accounts – he would. (Mine did) – I couldn’t figure out why I repeatedly couldn’t get into hotmail, I kept getting locked out. Later I figured out why – he was hacking my account.

      You could delete his number – but maybe you don’t want to let go? Why don’t you try a blocking app? This way you have control. You wont see his messages unless you choose to.

      I think that it hurts, when you have gone back into contact – and you respond, and then they give you the silent treatment. He might have been telling the truth – when he said that he was feeling broken. But then you responded and made him feel better. Its always about control and winning – once they have that, they can go on their merry way.

      You need to bring back the focus to you. It is a shame that the other site you are on is for hobby crafts. The one that i was on, was recovery from psychos…. so I just upped the game and wrote even more frank and honest, and thought fine – read that then.

      But – again, this is playing the game. Which only continues it (which I didn’t mind doing)

      You know that you can block him – it does take strength to do this.

      What I want to ask you, is ‘does this person make you feel good or bad?’

      If this person makes you feel bad about YOU – they are bad for YOU. (the last one rarely made me feel bad about me) – he did bad things, but he didn’t make me feel bad about me. If he had, I couldn’t have had any contact, things he did were ridiculous.

      I don’t recall (apart from one week) him doing silent treatment, and never getting off on hurting me.

      Silent treatment – is so painful. To overcome this, you need to tell yourself that you are now going to block him (and stick to it). Its a quick fix psychological trick, you tell yourself that YOU are ignoring him. And stick to it. Someone who doesn’t have respect for you, or your feelings, doesn’t deserve to be in your life, you deserve so much better.

  35. To clarify. I am not using this site to plug my book. It so happens that I did write one and then came across this website. It explained everything I went through for four years. I am a real victim and writing about it helped me to make sense of what was happening to me. If anything, I think my book supports the information in this website, but if it offends, then I won’t mention it again.

  36. Amazing, this could have been written by my ex sociopath. They are all emotionally stunted as 3-year old toddlers who are screaming for their emotionally unavailable mother’s love (yet they have grandiose and delusional thoughts that their mothers were great). They are constantly seeking the unconditional love of a mother and when they do find a great woman, they abuse her, then blame her for recoiling from him, and then the sociopath seeks new narcissist supply from the next woman who even looks their way.

    There is no way this guy is “happy” with his next new target….the “honeymoon” period is over for him (that’s the only time these freaks are “happy,” during the quick “honeymoon” period because that’s when they are getting their highest dosage of narcissist supply or admiration) and things are falling apart around him (AGAIN) and that is why he is seeking out the previous ex!

  37. Totally rings true to me! Mine appears to have sent his newer women after me instead of doing his dirty work himself, however, but yeah, the blaming the victim, and twisting everything all around, for sure.

      1. No doubt, considering that that’s exactly how he painted his ex-wife to me, and you know what they say about leopards and spots. The difference is he never sicced me on her, nor did he have a ready-made community we were all part of in which to do it.

        I, of course, eventually figured it all out when we were still together, and quit thinking she was the problem, because I could see exactly how he had to have set everything up that bothered him about her and then pointed the finger and blamed her.

  38. I woke up this morning thinking about another day of beating myself up feeling ashamed, but your responses (PG) has made me laugh out loud – start therapy tomorrow with a psychotherapist – I write that and realise I sound like a moron – I normally just get over someone but I feel like a dog been kicked for months and months – need to tend to my wounds and come out a better person for this.

    All you ladies (& gents) this has never happened to me before and you aren’t prone to attracting these weirdo’s – they literally have no life, live yours with you, tire of you, manipulate you – all of which takes huge amounts of effort – because they are sad bastards…….please excuse french – another thank you – but really, I am actually breathing at a normal pace now…x big huge thanks – may even change me name from idiot to half wit – a move in the right direction

  39. Is there some point at which a soc knows they are beaten back for good? I find it hard every day not to just post angry rants about mine. But does this make me human or just as bad?
    My relationship lasted 20 years and I’m just as guilty as my ex about saying and doing crappy things. So where do I look inside myself to see if am as bad as the ex soc, and when do I stop looking over my shoulder for the boomerang?
    Now, She has a new guy taking care of her, and I have a lovely lady that decided to love me even after all of the garbage was aired. I told our kids about both of us so they could make their own choices about if they wanted either of us in their lives. Was I wrong to do that? They are adults. I hate the thought of moving on and having escalating acts of hatred happen. The last one was bad enough. Finding out so much, after 20 years, is damned confusing.

    1. Hi xiao,

      I too was extremely angry and thought many times of horrible revenge fantasies I could act out. When someone devastates you it is completely human to want to retaliate. I also did my fair share of yelling and screaming at him too, trying anything to get through to him. He could easily turn this on me and make me out to be the monster, although oddly enough I never acted like this in any other relationships? Hmmm.

      In the end I decided I did not like who I was around him and did not want to be that angry person anymore. This was key for me. Who do you really want to be? And of course, who do your children need you to be? Even as young adults you are a key influence in how they will carry on in their own relationships.

      I won’t offer my opinion on if telling them everything was good or not. In my experience kids just want to be left out of it and for everyone to get along. They have their own battles to fight. Your kids could be totally different though.

      There are some posts on this site that should help you with the struggle of moving on and recovery. What also helped me with this, (beyond this fabulous site), was Karpman’s Drama Triangle (you can google it). This revealed to me a lot of what I was doing and how I was participating and perpetuating the problem. I understand your confusion at this point knowing you have fought back in ways you aren’t too proud of now. We can’t really change the past though, just how we respond in the future.

      Take care,
      Blue

      1. It’s only natural to want to get even. I myself wrote a book thinking it would help, but it didn’t. I am a writer though by trade and it’s hard not to put my fingers on the keyboard. I’m writing a sequel to Entangled and I’ll call it, The Goose and the Gander. It will be about getting even with a sociopath by trying to outsmart them. I have plenty of material, but in the process, something strange happened. I kept coming back to the first solution stated on this website…NO CONTACT! My book has taken a detour now. No Contact is no Joke! However, it will avoid the Karpman Drama Triangle that one of these readers mentioned.

      2. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you Natalie.

        Yes, absolutely no contact is the only way forward. Unless you just want to keep going around and around in circles. As that is the way that it is. Nothing really changes, it is just more of the same. It might be that they might behave … for a while. But the same behaviour will reoccur.

        Sociopaths have a sense of entitlement, that it is their right to do whatever they see fit…. but you can’t. So, really you would never outsmart them, or get even, why would you bother trying. Only time I recommend getting even, is when you cannot get rid of them and they are making your life absolute hell, and even then that is not recommended for violent ones.

        I hope 2015 is good for you!! 🙂

      3. Hi Blue:
        I think I am over the getting even stage. Wrapped my mind around the fact X will never change. There is just no room in my heart for X anymore. As far as telling the kids about us both goes, I believed that(and still do), honesty was something they needed. I waited for years to tell them about everything, until they were young adults.
        I am focused on the future and no longer on the past. I have run into X 3 times since October. 2 times in the grocery and one time in the Dr’s office. I didn’t speak to her or even really acknowledge her. I did address her boyfriend about offering my son drugs. Even though he is an adult and pot is legal in this state, I felt it very wrong and disrespectful to my son. I was polite and direct, no threats, just one vet talking to another about how not to behave around my kids. Other than that X looks terrible and angry the other times I have seen her. Our son didn’t even recognize her in the store.
        So life is moving along. So much is new and I don’t feel the need to date or really go out. I have my lady and I am proud to say, she has all of me. Might as well just BE the man I always wanted to be.
        Again, thanks for the point out to the book and your kind advice.

      4. I totally get what you’re saying about doing things you’re not proud of, but the fact is that the socio chose the playing field. If you turn out to be better at the game then tough gazungas for him. I absolutely burned the loser in my life by publishing online all his handwritten letters that proved beyond a reasonable inkling of a doubt (to everyone except his latest victim) what a shady person he is. It felt GREAT when he tried (and failed…BIG time) to defend himself on Facebook and dug himself an even bigger hole than I had already started for him. I’m not 100% over it and probably never will be but that honestly helped out my recovery SOOOO much. But maybe I’m a bad person. 😛

      5. Heh! I love your choice of words because when my disordered ex-best friend had issues with ladies he would literally light things on fire. He burned his journal at his ex’s wedding after he flew 500 miles to officiate it and he set alight the letter I wrote him before he went to prison because it expressed my hope that he would make efficient use of the substance abuse programs at his disposal. When I learned of his smear campaign against me I told my husband, “Well look who brought a book of wet matches to a flame-thrower fight.” He’s probably planning something horrible because I refuse to take his shit lying down, hopefully he’ll just accidentally set himself ablaze.

      6. Hahaha 🙂 I dunno they control through fear when they see your not scared of them and you have no fear, they think shit another psycho. He begged me to stop said enough is enough can’t take it anymore. I tried everything else nothing else worked. (See my post sociopath how to get even with one).

      7. Yep yep! You either have to “suck it up” and remain quiet or “sink to their level.” Once I knew what I was dealing with I didn’t mind sinking because I knew I would resurface while he sat on the ocean floor like a slimy piece of kelp.

    2. These bags of shit will do their best to drag you down into their abyss, but the fact that you’re concerned about potentially being an asshole and being introspective about it is a good sign, because it means you CARE. The confusion is understandable, these assholes are morally bankrupt and normal people just don’t look for stuff like that in others because WHY WOULD YOU?!? They are soooo sneaky. UGH!

      1. Sinderella, I love what you did! Bravo. I did not feel like I wanted some sort of revenge until I left him for a few months. I looked back, had no real answers about him. He was very PRIVATE. Due to my curiousity I finally did a background check and found out he his his real residence and two older women. (That’s what he likes). The whole year I visited him in his parents basement apartment. It was all a lie. I wanted the world to know about him. Thing is, I only knew his grandfather. He hid me from everyone else. I knew something wasn’t right after week one but I chose to stay. That’s on me.

        He showed up one day at my door, after the background check. I told him what I found out. He was in shock, saying “did u have me followed?” Do you see? It’s always turned back on us. Still never admitted anything, but I don’t need his approval of facts. I was angry a few weeks and that was it.

  40. Yah, this main post is spot on. Spot on in the library of how to be a sociopath. Sadly they seem to say the same things, do the same things, like they all went to Sociopath 101. My Soviopaths brothers and sisters are all identical as well. Scary when one has beautiful children. I hope it has nothing to do with heredity because I fought back with grace and dignity to diminish the horrid effects on my children.

    1. I just fell for it again, all of it after a month of one word texts I fell for it again. I can’t believe it? I gave him just what he wanted again.

      1. Ugh well its ok pinky, you would have learned something from your last quit. Sometimes it can take a while for the heart to catch up with what the head already knows. I know it feels crappy to feel duped a second time…… It says more about him than you, get back up, it’s never as hard as the very first time, any doubts you had about your decision, have now been confirmed.

      2. Pinky, I went back four times. Guess what? At some point you’ll have your FILL. You won’t go back. Be patient with yourself. Be mindful of what he REALLY is and how it hurts you. No good will come from this. You’ll get to that point, realizing and accepting it. Xx

  41. Pinky I’ve been there. I went back 4 times. What did it for me, to stay away, was I had my FILL. Nothing was loving and true. All a facade. I no longer wanted to pretend he’d get better. They DONT. When you have your fill, have full acceptance of what he REALLY is, you will be free. Xx

    Positivagirl, love you. Happy New Year!

      1. Doing pretty good Pos. I talk and think about what happened but I’m basically past it all. Your site is what saved my life. Literally.

        Now these days, the problem for me is finding a decent guy to date….HA! That’s a much better problem though. I hope and pray for everyone here to get to that point. Ready to move on! Xx

  42. I know 40 years is hard to let go of and its not the second time I’ve been duped its been a lot, but my realization comes back faster every time. Maybe it’ll be my last time! maybe for sure I’ll make that resolution of no contact for me, for the last time.
    Thanks

  43. I only left once and never went back, the betrayal was too large.
    Its the no contact I get sucked back into, I hope I can never fall for it again. I have the website on auto pilot now.

  44. Sociopaths often say ‘everyone says’…. ) Yeah sure!! I love this one! How many times have i heard “everyone says” or “everyone knows” “Everyone” who? He really had no real friends and didnt like any of mine… who is this “everyone”?

  45. Here I am, far beyond one year of no-contact. I sent the “cease and desist” order Dec 23rd, he received it Dec 27, of 2013. Christmas, New Year’s, passed twice, as did two birthdays. He was trying to get my attention up until June, usually by calling me nasty names in public online forums. (And I never once replied, ever.) But then, miraculously, it finally stopped.

    Of course I still had healing to do, so I didn’t try to date again. I went into a lot of therapy to work through my PTSD symptoms and worked on how to self-regulate my anxiety at the thought or especially the sight of him at our local grocery store. It was a lot of work, but it was definitely working.

    Yesterday, nearly 14 months after I initiated very firm no-contact, I created a dating profile, open to actually finding a healthy relationship again. It was a big step for me.

    The next day amongst other emails I got one that read “I don’t mean to be inappropriate….but I am willing.” Puzzled, I wrote write back, “willing to what?”. I had no idea what could be innappropriate, until I read the profile and saw some of the photos. Then I quickly realized that it was him.

    I am trying to use every bit of advice and practice I can right now. 14 bloody months and I’ve just written back to him, unwittingly, but still. I hate this. My heart sank and I really find it hard to believe that I will ever really be free of this *****. I’m so depressed.

    I don’t want to tell anyone else in my life about this. So I wrote it here. I’m hoping a good night’s sleep will help me see straight and strong in the morning.

    Blue

    1. Hey Blue that must have been a shock, to hear from him. But you know what, you are the one with the power here. He probably just saw your profile on there, as he is probably always on the lookout and sent an email – at this point they think that they are very clever. How would he know you are there?

      This is part of the stupid psychological game that they play. Isn’t it sad, that he has nothing better to do with his time, but to contact you, and isn’t it even sadder that he has to go to such lengths to get attention?

      Can you see how sad and pathetic he is? Do you know, he cannot harm you anymore. My initial response with things like this as I don’t want to be around him is to remove myself, but really why should you? can you not just block him then he cannot see you on there? And act as if he doesn’t exist (actually he doesn’t).

      While you have been working hard on your own healing and recovery, he is doing the same thing, trawling websites looking for attention.

      Laugh at him, block him, he doesn’t deserve your time. There is nothing that he can do to you now He is gone. Know that he is just as lame and unable to be by himself now as he was before. See this – for what it is, an attention seeker, who has NO understanding of the damage that he causes to others (and therefore will still continue his carnage) – he hasn’t changed. You were right to leave him.

      Hurray for you that you feel ready to meet someone new. I really hope that you meet Mr Wonderful.

      Personally i wouldn’t answer any messages like that…… unless you can send me an email (online dating) with some intelligence and something a bit more to say than that, am not interested in hearing from you.

      YES you are free….. it is just that he will never be free of his sad pathetic lonely empty life x

      1. Thank you for being there positiva, I saw your quick response last night and could only think of how amazing that someone so far away, in their wee hours, was reaching out to offer support. And not just any support, but support from someone who really and truly understands what I’m dealing with here. You are truly a blessing.

      2. It took a few days, but I’m nearly back to centre.

        I’ve been debating whether to write about how I chose to handle it or not. I had already unknowingly responded to his email. So after a long delay (and one night of eating pizza while sitting in my sweatpants), I chose to let the conversation run its course rather than block and run. I suppose I was just fed up and tired of running.

        I still believe in No Contact, and I can’t really recommend doing this. I can’t say that it’s possible to “win” anything when you go up against the SP. My goal here was only to diffuse and neutralize, and I suppose to remind myself of what he is. I am satisfied with the outcome and I do feel less afraid and more “able” to cope should I run into him again.

        I kept the conversation polite to the extreme and warm yet distant. Almost business like. Zero display of any emotion. The first couple of responses it even seemed as though I didn’t know it was him. I remarked that I hadn’t been sure if it was him at first, but that I’d appreciate confirmation from him, to be fair. I promised not to retaliate or get upset. I thanked him for his “honesty” when he told me it was him. No matter what he said, I did not contradict him or question him. I mirrored what he said, for clarification only.

        He offered to help with an interest of mine. (My ad did not ask for help with this.) I again, expressed that I was not active with that interest at this time, but thanked him for his kind offer. And then I wished him well with his new partner and hoped that they were enjoying life.

        He did not deny having a partner, instead he said that they hadn’t had much chance to do things together because she lives out of town. (His profile on the site listed him as single, and older than he is, and had no face pics.)

        He repeated why he was contacting me insisting his intent was was to help me, because he knows that no one else will be of any help, at one point suggested that men will only want “one thing” from me and that they will say they want to help but then bail after they get what they want.

        I agreed, that the men so far have only wanted one thing, and that some of them are not even single, lol! Then I went into a little confession about what a dreamer I am and how I want something deep and intense, a real long term commitment, etc. (what a terrible bore I am) Then I said that I am glad that he has found someone that he really likes either way.

        He responded again that he was sure there were lots of offers, but the wrong ones, and that he hopes he has (found someone he likes) but that they are still getting to know each other.

        I wrote “Best of Luck”, and he replied “Thanks” and there was nothing else he could really say, the convo was wrapped up.

        For whatever reason I can say that I feel better, and stronger, not worse. One of my biggest fears has always been letting him manipulate me again and getting what he wants again.

        I do suspect that he will contact me again, that would be part of the pattern. I am prepared for that. Likely with some confession about how he lost something great when he lost me, or something along those lines. Love Bombing. That is the most likely next step given his patterns of behaviour. There’s not much I can say in response to things like that though, other than “thanks”. You know like when Princess Leia yells out to Han that she loves him, and all he can say back is “I know”? That’s me. lol

        I have left the door open, but I what he doesn’t know is that there is a trap door waiting on the other side. Every…damn…time. Not a punishing or emotional trap though, just a void, a black hole, a big nothing.

  46. I have received many threatening messages every time I tried to leave my ex. And of course it is always my fault. I am always to blame. However, since I have left this last time and for good I might add…he has thrown in a new twist to threatening me. Apparently, he is going to make me wish I had never f**ing met or knew him. And he is going to do it by making a voodoo doll of me and putting bad juju on it.!!

    I don’t even know how to respond to a message like that.?? It’s a new childish low even for him.

    1. Can you report him to the police for this? If he has put it into a text message?
      I should add that it is common that if they think that you will not go back to them, to destroy you to make sure that nobody else would want you. I would report this to the police.

      1. Yes…it was in a text message b/c I’m no longer speaking to him. As for the police, I have informed a family member who is a policeman. I am reticent about filing a police report due to our history.

        We dated 20 years ago when I was young and had no idea what type of person/non-person he was. I filed a restraining order against him b/c of his threats. He was a cop at the time and he filed false charges against me. It was horrible. Eventually, we both dropped charges and I disappeared. Luckily for me he got married soon after.

        However, he found me 19 years later and convinced me we were young and stupid and that he had changed. I thought stupidly enough well he’s been married. Maybe he’s matured. But no, I was right all those years ago…he is not normal. And I have to stay away.

        While he is no longer a policeman, he has friends who still are. So I just keep documenting everything and sending it to my friends for safekeeping. And yes I know all about their need to punish and destroy. Thank you for your reply. It is really nice to have a place to go and feel safe and where others understand what I have been through. I wish I had known all those years ago what he really was. I could have saved myself from a whole lot of pain finding out now for sure.

      2. I understand it is tough when they are police officers or have connections to, to punish and destroy you. Sounds like he is still controlling you through fear. Fear will keep you paralysed and trapped. To remove the fear tell him the relationship is over. Please do not contact you further or you will have to file charges for harassment.

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