Always listen to YOURSELF and TRUST your OWN judgement!

You can never go far wrong when you listen to your inner voice. Your inner you. That nagging voice at the back of your head, in the pit of your stomach, that questions ‘is this right?’

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If you are in a situation where something feels WRONG. Mostly likely it IS wrong, at least for YOU it is wrong.

Learning to trust yourself, isn’t something that all adults have as they reach adulthood.

You might have grown up in an unsafe environment, where the people that you trusted to take care of you as a child abused or neglected you. If this happens, you can spend many years as an adult, trying to find your feet in life.

You might also have grown up in a very stable home, and went into adulthood as a stable, well adjusted person. Who knew what you want out of life, damage could have been done by someone who  abused you and altered your senses.

Whatever your background – always know who YOU are, and what is right for you! 

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Too often we make excuses for other people. Someone hurts us, and we brush it off, and tell ourselves, that this is OK. When in fact, it really isn’t OK.

If you make excuses for someones behaviour, what you are really doing is ENABLING their behaviour. You are giving permission and allowing this to happen to you.

If you have been involved with a sociopath, it is likely that you have been manipulated and controlled. For those who are ‘nice’ people pleaser types of people, you don’t want to cause upset, and don’t like friction or confrontation, and are more likely to comply.

It is NEVER OK, to comply with someone else’s needs, when their needs, feel morally wrong to you. If it feels wrong, it IS wrong. At least it is wrong for you. It is OK to say NO.

Letting go so you can grow

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Sometimes in life, you have to let go of a situation, because it is toxic, it is not healthy and not good for you. It does not look out for your needs, and what is right for you. All of us have our own life path, and are here for different reasons. Somebody else cannot determine what is right or wrong for you. Only you know the answer to this.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were feeling stressed, even to the point where it made you ill, and then when that situation went, you felt an instant release, only for a few days later, for anxiety to kick back in and you are again second guessing whether you had made the right decision?

What is happening here, is your ability to trust yourself is kicking back in. You are second doubting yourself and your ability to judge accurately.

Why do you have problems with trusting yourself and making accurate decisions for yourself?

There are many reasons, but here are a few

  • Peer pressure
  • Feeling the need to comply to others wishes, or feeling  a sense of ‘responsibility’ not wanting to let someone else down
  • Being manipulated and controlled in an abusive relationship
  • When you are blackmailed or threatened
  • Putting someone else’s needs before your own – this is especially true if you feel that can ‘fix’ or ‘heal’ a situation or person

When you feel that you can fix or heal a situation or person

Again, there are many reasons why you could be the type of person who wants to ‘fix’ or ‘heal’ someone else. These are a few that I can think of:

  • Replaying childhood roles
  • Co-dependency
  • If you work in a situation where it is part of your role in your job, to fix and heal, if you are successful at this, and seeing change in others, you can believe that everyone can manage at least some change
  • If you are manipulated at first, to believe that someone is different to who they are – and fall in love with this illusion of the person. You might struggle to accept reality of who the person really is – and want to bring back the person that was perfect that you really fell in love with

You can never go wrong when you trust yourself

Recently I had to make a decision. It was a huge one. It was something that had ruled my life for a very long time. I decided, that the stress that it was causing me, didn’t deserve anymore time or effort in my life. I had to let it go.

Letting it go, meant that I would lose financially. However, it also meant that I wouldn’t be in a situation that felt morally wrong. The person had pushed me, and I felt blackmailed into making a decision. That person had assessed me wrong, and had figured that I was in something for the money. I never was. It was always about what was fundamentally right to me.

I realised that I couldn’t continue the way that things were, and that if I were to stay it would be a compromise too far. It had taken so much from me, making me continually ill. So much so, it was impossible to write this blog. Or, at least, I struggled to write.

Letting go, gave me FREEDOM… yes, I write that letter in capitals, as FREEDOM is so very underrated. Sometimes we can confuse the term freedom (that you have gained) with other things – such as:

  • Being unsupported
  • Being rejected
  • Being abandoned
  • Not being good enough
  • Feeling let down

Etc, etc, etc…..

But you know the truth is – what THEY think, doesn’t really matter. It is what YOU think that matters.

You shine bright like a star, all in your own right. You do not need somebody else to determine who YOU are. Sometimes people can put pressure on you, to be something or someone who you are not. Or other times, you try to be someone to keep someone else happy, but what is the point of this? If you are not happy yourself?

So many times on this blog, people question

Was this person a sociopath?

This doesn’t matter. It isn’t important what they are. What is important is who YOU are, while it is normal to try to understand the confusion of what has happened to you, after this…. its all about bringing centre and focus back to you.

Instead of asking what they are? …. instead ask

How did I feel about me when I was with this person?

How did the ending of this relationship make me feel about me?

Did this person treat me with respect?

Did they look out for my wellbeing?

Did I grow as a person when I was with this person?

If the answer is NO to ANY of those questions. The answer is not who or what they are????  – but rather, were they good enough for YOU?? Actually, if the answer was no to any one of those questions, it is likely that person was never good for you. This is true whether they were a sociopath or not.

Blaming is a cop out

Blaming someone else, is quite frankly a cop out. I appreciate that certain people can turn our worlds upside down. I know that it is never the victims fault when they have been deceived, manipulated or abused. Once you know the truth – it IS then your decision.

Don’t blame someone else. By blaming, you merely put your energy back out there to someone else.

Look within. Look at you. Make a list and write down what YOU want to achieve. Where do you want to be in life?

  • See it
  • Visualise it
  • Write it down
  • Put the energy out there to the universe
  • BELIEVE

You can do this. Listen to your inner voice. Listen to you. Find yourself. Trust yourself, you really are worth it and NOBODY is a better judge of what is right for you, or your life, than YOU.

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014

 

 

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60 thoughts on “Always listen to YOURSELF and TRUST your OWN judgement!

  1. What a beautiful post, for so long I ignored the way I felt in this relationship, feeling one way and knowing in my heart another. I just wanted to be happy, I just wanted everything to be normal. But I was never in peace, always wondered when he going to flirt and humiliate me, that’s why I never took him,any where I went, why should I he just looked at everybody.else anyway. Always go with your gut instinct, womans intuition what ever you wanna call it. Go with you heart and be happy, if it feels wrong it is wrong. Good luck to everyone here on this site.. Love

  2. Pos

    You are on a roll. Another great post.

    I can think of another reason “rescuers” get trapped. You have been individually successful and you feel you have the strength to help two. This doesn’t work when you meet a cluster B energy vampire.

    I remember my lightbulb moment when I read Sarah Tate’s article called ” The impact of a cluster B”, where she describes the 5 stages of how your going to feel when being with a cluster B. In stage two called Disquiet ( the stage after love bombing and euphoria), she said “Your Cluster B partner has had a difficult life. He or she has had many a disservice done to him/her, and is probably carrying emotional scars from either failed relationships, business dealings which collapsed, or other disasters which have befallen him/her. You are the person who is there to help your Cluster B overcome these issues. You have accepted the ‘baggage’ your Cluster B brought into the relationship without question, and you feel it is your duty to help him/her overcome these problems and achieve their (amazing) potential.”

    When I read this I was like OMG. This is exactly what I did.

    Thanks again for your great site and posts. AGPT

    1. I think I meant also rescuers when saying about co dependent, relating to childhood and those who were fixers in their work.

      You are right it keeps you stuck as you try to help and being the fixer and they play to this by playing victim. this is an ongoing circle that keeps the victim stuck as the ssociopath is good at also playing role that they are just about to recover so the victim holds on thinking they are almost there. to others on the outside you look crazy as more and more happens. I should write more about this post.

      1. Wow I can totally identify. We need to stop trying to fix others first and foremost and start associating with “whole” individuals to ensure we aren’t caught in a trap again.

      2. You are spot on. Right as they have you thinking they will cross the finish line another disaster befalls them. They can’t actually let you think they have recovered. The sympathy wheel needs to be kept spinning.

        When I read that Sarah Tate article it was really like someone spilled a gigantic bucket of ice water over my head. I was stunned. But the extra knowledge eventually thawed me out. Haha 🙂 AGPT

      3. thanks for pointing this out. Thought I was going crazy there were so many and always so bizarre…..

  3. This is exactly what I needed to read today (and for the past 6 years). It is difficult to let go, and very hard…. Slowly but surely getting my feet on the friend and all the ideas that were programmed into my head and heart released…
    Thank you

    1. This doesn’t surprise me at all Angela. I wonder what his wife would think about that? You shouldn’t play the game but if it were me, I would forward his request to his wife and say ‘I don’t mind but obviously it would be respectful to ask you first, what do you think? 🙂 🙂

  4. This article has brought me back to my senses. Even though I don’t like the feeling of losing financially and wish I had to opportunity to right it, I know deep inside that I should let it go or I will never be happy. It’s just so hard…I guess it’s time to trust my inner voice.I hope I have the strength.

    1. Your inner voice is right. Listen it’s pulling in your stomach for a reason. Just say does this make me feel bad? If so, it is bad.
      From my experience this will not change. Nothing will get better. Ask yourself what money has he repaid? Do you want further losses? As this is what you will get. See him as a huge sign that says LOSS and if you head towards it it will bring you further loss. This should help to strengthen you. If he hasn’t paid you back. He doesn’t deserve you in his life.

  5. Hi girlfriends
    Yes , I’m still here ! Mostly I come to read how everybody is doing .
    This is such a valuable lesson I think we all needed to lern . This inner voice , that I remember so well and the price I have paid for ignoring it .
    I’m 7 months no contact , still in therapy tho . I’ve learned a lot about myself and the dormat that I represented to too many people . But no more !
    Sociopath is becoming a memory now and at this point I concider myself to be in the home stretch !
    I will never ever ignore my inner voice again from here on , but I think we have to go through the pain to really mean it . Good luck to all of you on your journey !
    Love&Peace

  6. Today marks one year since I left my abuser….thank god I found this site. Since most of the abuse wasn’t physical but mental, emotional and physiological I am quite sure he is sociopath…tested out to 99 traits in the 100 questions test. What I do not understand is why I am still so afraid of him….and what he might do as I press to get my divorce from him. Have an appointment with my counselor this morning to start making new goals for the rest of my life….my head keeps saying over and over again that I can’t survive with out him..as he told me this MANY MANY times. This is just one of many lies he told me and will use this to prod me on and not let anything he says about me be true…. Thanks for this site and all your posts here that help me to keep going for another day….I am holding on to ‘the best revenge is to have a great life.’

    1. Yay hurray for one year free Johnny. I do hope that you remember to REWARD yourself. You are free Johnny. As this year comes to a close celebrate. Put the grieving behind you. Stop loving him and instead love yourself. Write a list of things you want to achieve then start working towards those goals. It’s time to celebrate your freedom and what you are going to do with your beautiful life.

    2. Do you know I didn’t see the part in your message where you said see your counsellor and and set goals until I pressed send…. See … Follow your counsellor sounds like a smart one 🙂

  7. Thank you so much for this post, Positivagirl! I’m 75 years old, and looking back over my life I will say this: The times when I over-rode the message and the wisdom of my intuition/conscience, the consequences were disastrous, not just to me but to others. I married the person I married despite the red flags from my intuition; I did what he wanted me to do, despite the red flags from intuition; I did not act to stop him, despite the red flags from my intuition, and so forth. My son and daughter suffered because I did not follow my own wisdom. Innocent people were hurt because I let bad things happen despite the wisdom of my inner self. So please take my words to heart and save yourself and others from suffering and pain: Listen to your inner self, your intuition or whatever you want to call it, and let it be your guide. Some people call this wisdom the voice of your conscience, and some call it your intuition. It takes guts to live a life guided by your intuition or your conscience, but ultimately it is worth standing up to your fear and living by this inner compass. Follow the truth of your heart. Maybe you are afraid that you will be killed if you try to do this–some people have been!–but if you stand up to your fear and follow your conscience, you have a chance of not being imprisoned by another human being’s pathology. If you succeed in finding your freedom, then your life is your own to do with as you choose. Living life on your own terms is not always smooth or fun, but it’s one helluva lot better than being imprisoned by another person’s sickness. Claim your own mistakes, clean up your own messes, and live your life according to the wisdom of your inner self. When you die a natural death, you will have no regrets. That’s my goal at age 75–a natural death with no regrets. What better gift could you give yourself and your loved ones?

    1. Hi Jefair 🙂

      Love your comment & wow, your an inspiration to us all.
      No regrets, not anymore that’s for sure 🙂
      From now on conscious choices & taking responsibility for my own mistakes & relishing my successes 🙂
      I would rather hold my own hand until I die than that of a liar ever again.
      More power to you & thank you for sharing your journey & life with us, your wisdom is invaluable.
      You are living proof of remaining true to oneself & that’s a real gift 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

    2. Thanks for your post Jefair…..when I first realized what I had let him do to me at age 70; I was mortified and embarrassed. I was OLD enough to know better. Now I am focusing on the fact that my last auntie just died a week before her 100th birthday. This means I may be a here a long time yet holding my own hand. I was very happy being single and now know he is the one that doesn’t love himself and cannot be alone. This will be his 5th divorce and he is under 70….he is the one that has to have a whipping boy 24/7 to torture and put down…..that he stopped any support and has not emailed me over 6 months tells me he has his next victim for sure…….. will pray hard for her.

      This site and all your sharing has been my life line to regaining and forgiving myself…and yes, at the begining there were many many many red flags that I chose to ignore. Actually he ‘explained way’ as they do.
      Must forgive myself for that too….

  8. thank you for this post. although i only got to read it after i have devalued myself and once again got into comms with the SOC, it was a back and forth for a while and his responses were always the same, vague and non commital. No he did not make me feel good about myself. no he did not love me the way i deserved, no to all the questions above. i need to let go before i lose myself completely, i realise that it is indeed me still feeding his sickness and in return i am the one who remains ill. i asked him why he keeps hurting me and he said, i dont mean too. i said but if you know that contacting me and saying nothing different hurts me then why do you continue, he said, because i love you. i so said so you hurt me because you love me? he said no, he does not mean to hurt me and so on an on it went. i turned vicious and hateful and got so bloody angry i reacted like a crazy woman. at the end of the comms he was still the one in control of his emotions. i was crying like a child. i was the one laying in a heap wretchedly broken.

    1. Hello Oneday 🙂

      Please remember that when someone says ‘I love you’ it does not then give them the right to continually hurt your feelings 🙂
      LOVE is not a repository for someone else’s negativity.
      When he says he ‘loves you’ what he is really saying is that I will use this emotion against you, I will use your love for me against you.
      That is not love, that is emotional blackmail & the more you allow, the more you will suffer.
      Romantic Love should never cause you grief ever.
      Normal ‘real’ people don’t hurt those they love intentionally or deliberately ever.

      Reclaim your self-respect, you are better than that & deserve real love, not ‘I love you’s’ that condone bad behaviour….:(
      If he keeps you feeling & acting crazy, that’s wrong & you must not accept that ever.
      Why does he keep hurting you? because he can!
      Why do you allow it? because you do 😦

      Break the cycle, only YOU can, you are worthy of better, believe in YOU!

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

    2. I had this same encounter with mine, Oneday, just the other day. He did take responsiblitly for what’s gone down, but in the end, he goes right back to demeaning me. I knew it wouldn’t solve anything about trying to get answers. I only knew that I am exhausted with. I don’t even care if he cares, I don’t believe anything he says, even
      “I love you”, which ironically was the last thing he said on the call.
      I don’t want to invest anymore time in this thing. I try to just know that in the coming days, weeks, months- there will be joy, fun, excitement, and happiness. It is guaranteed. I may be down today, but tomorrow is another chance at feeling good ( I don’t say great because at this point I would settle for the former).

      Thanks for the post- you helped me Oneday, because you remind me that this BS is just another tactic. They think we are stupid, but we really are on the high road.

  9. Hi Pos 🙂

    Yet another wonderful post & I hope people here at the beginning of their journey keep this post & refer to it when they are cycling through the grief & anger & doubt etc..
    Remember, you will eventually get to a place where reading this post finally is your destination & the light at the end of the tunnel is actually you & it’s not at the end, it’s with you illuminating each step you take until the end of this experience & you find your way through to higher awareness as older posters have found 🙂
    We all started where you are & don’t worry, you will get here too 🙂

    I found this quote in my latest healing book…Choosing Happiness by Stephanie Dowrick 🙂

    GROW IN RESILIENCE 🙂
    ‘Whatever has your attention will increase & multiply.
    If you focus on being a victim, you will become a superb victim.
    If you insist on rejecting yourself through harsh & punishing thoughts, you will feel rejected.
    If you pay constant attention to what has hurt or offended you, or to what limits you, you will feel increasingly crushed & powerless.
    Turn that around.
    Pay attention to what you have learned from a difficult situation, & to the strengths & values you need to move forward. You will grow powerfully in resilience as well as self respect.’

    Be your own best friend & expect nothing less for yourself 🙂

    Pos, it takes tremendous courage to FREE yourself from an untenable situation.
    I hope you are equally proud of yourself as I am 🙂
    You are a wonderful role model to everyone you interconnect with 🙂

    Love & Light 🙂
    PR xoxo

  10. My spath called me from jail last night , he said hey how ya doin in that sexi voice of his,, I said at the top of my lungs do not call me, don’t call me, do not call me and hung up. I think that should do it, no calls from him, they wait and figure time passes shell forget she wad mad, no not this time asshole. Love and pea e.

      1. I know that they can go into acting mode natalie they throw themselves into acting role. I recall at the beginning his accent would change as he was telling stories dependent on where the geographical location of the story came from (not that it was true) it was just him going into ‘character) so I would suggest his sexy voice was him ‘seducing you’

      2. My Ex Perp also had a sexy voice. What is interesting is that as soon as the gig was up and I confronted him with all the lies, his voice changed. It was no longer sexy – just blah. They are actors playing a role. The sexy voice is just another lie, a trap that they use to capture their prey.

  11. Hey Ladybug, good hearing from you 😍 and congrats on your 7 months. I used to be bewildered, but nit feeling that anymore thank God,. Ut was good knowing you are doing ok. Peace 💙💙

    1. Hey boobsiekisses

      Funny, even if you have not been here for a while and most of the names have changed , you always run in to an old friend . It’s like coming home .
      I wholeheartedly realize that without this site I would not be were I am today. I think we can all agree on that .
      My dear , I wish you every happiness this life has to offer ! Be free and be strong .
      Love&Peace

      1. I agree Ladybug, this site has helped me hold it together. Went through all the stages of grief, was tough at times but I did it and so did you. I wish you peace and love on your journey my friend. Be happy and healthy. And food luck to you. Visit again soon. 😆💕

      2. Sometimes I’m reading the blogs and I stop and think back to numerous times when I didn’t listen to my gut feeling and I feel such pain and shame! I get so mad last my self ! Guuurrrr!

  12. HI Positiva girl,
    I just can not thank you enough. Your blog, all the videos and articles and also peoples experiences PR, everything is such a tremendous support one I’ve never had. Thank you, thank you…I’m going to get past this, see the truth and not fall for a creep like this again (although he is the 2nd I think) All the rest were just abusive.. 😦 Next time neither one !

  13. HI All,
    It has been a long time since I have been on here. I was a regular blogger for a while as I went through the horrible roller coaster after discard. In 12 days it is one year for me since discard and 11 and a half months no contact, and I can honestly now say that I have completely moved on.
    I have got so much help from this site. From reading everyones stories and finding so many similarities to my own. I got strength from supporting many of you as I did with receiving support. I have even made a really good friend from this site whom I write too every week even though we are on other sides of the planet. Our emails now have very little, if any, discussion of the sociopaths and talk of how amazing our lives have become and continue to climb.

    I have started dating a new guy. It’s so great to have my heart fluttering once more. But what is even more fantastic, is that because I decided to learn and heal from my experience, I am able to evaluate and keep myself grounded as I enter this new relationship. I am able to ensure that he is right for me. I am very much listening to my intuition, to my gut. And when something feels off, I take a step back and question it. I question him. I write it down. So far I have only had two very small orange flags. Nothing to walk away from, but i have noted them and will keep an eye on them. I guess what I am saying is that there is nothing more important than trusting AND listening to your gut instincts. I no longer doubt myself and completely trust myself and my instincts/intuition. I don’t find excuses for the flags or for him. I just take note, I evaluate if it is a show stopper and then I keep it firmly in mind to review if anything else magnifies this particular trait (and if it does I will walk away). I am taking the time to get to know him (1 month so far) and not get so caught up in the excitement that it overrides my good sense. It is odd but refreshing not to be love bombed. It took me a while to realise that he was interested because he wasn’t texting me 10 times a day or calling every day after only 2 dates. THis is actually a great thing as it gives me time to evaluate if he is right for me.

    Anyway, this horrible experience that you are all going through can lead to a better place. You just need to make the decision to learn and grow from this experience. To some of you, that are only recently aware of sociopaths, this may seem like a fairy tale but I swear to you, it is not. I am living proof. I was in that dark place that those of us that have dealt with a sociopath go, not knowing when or how I would stop crying, let alone ever feel better. I have now healed, not only my broken, emotionally abused heart, but I have healed many of my family of origin wounds and i feel better than I ever have in my life. This is because the question that came to me – that should come to all of us – was why did I allow a sociopath into my life? Why did I attract one? Why did I give so much of myself when I was receiving very little in return and how do I stop from ever allowing another one into my life? This lead me to recognise and deal with many of my issues but most importantly to the realisation and knowing belief that I am worthy, that even with all my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, I am a very worthy person and no one, absolutely NO ONE, has the right to treat me badly. I will not accept it anymore. I have removed all contact with any toxic people in my life. My father is my father so I keep contact with him but it is minimal and it is with awareness and belief in myself and therefore he no longer affects me like he used to. I also no longer want to learn more about sociopaths, or talk with them, or even think about them, I know as much as I need and want to know. It no longer takes any of my time or emotions, other than to remind me to keep being aware.

    I guess my main points are 1) that you will come out of this, the pain will subside, you will get better. 2) That the fastest way to do this and also the only way that will ensure that another disordered toxic person does not enters your life is to find what it was in you that allowed you to let him/her in your life in the first place and then to heal those wounds. 3) is to TRUST YOUR GUT, your intuition. 4) don’t make excuses for his bad behaviour – walk away now… particularly at the start of a relationship. As you get further into the relationship these behviours will most likely only get worse and it will be harder to walk away. 5) learn that you are truly worthy and believe it with every fibre of your being. 6) Do not allow anyone – and i mean ANYONE to treat you badly, put you down, make you anxious, make you cry. Arguments happen in life, but there are disagreements and then there are personal attacks. Understand what it is that upset that person. If it was a behaviour that in your mind was perfectly acceptable then this person needs to be removed from your life as your values are not the same. 7) Be aware. Self awareness is key. 8) NO CONTACT. I cut him from my life from the get go. This was instrumental in my healing as quickly as I did. Others I know that have allowed contact are thrown back into the chaos, even with just a text. IT WILL DELAY YOUR HEALING. Delete his number, block his emails and social networking. If he contacts you, under no circumstances respond. When you do break no contact, remember how it makes you feel. Imprint it into your brain. No small contact with him/her can be worth how badly you will feel when it all crashes down again. For some of you this will happen many times before you finally realise the truth behind it.

    Many of you will not be even close to feeling/relating to what I am saying, but believe me when I say that one day you will. Facing the truth and the pain, accepting these, is the only way that you will get through it and completely healed. Just have faith that one day you will be where I am now.

    I was broken and hurt and in so much pain. I had planned my life with this man. I had given and invested everything into him and us. He discarded me like a piece of trash. Once the grief started to abate slightly, the rose coloured glasses were slowly lifted, I then had to deal with the fog of confusion – that was the longest part, where the mind knew that he was evil but the emotions just couldn’t accept it.I was completely demotivated with every aspect of my life. Then one day, I realised that the fog was lifted and my motivation returned. I also realised that I had grown and healed so many of my old wounds and I felt lighter and stronger and more worthy than I ever had before. It is liberating. It is wonderful. I now know that there is a better way of living. I always suspected and hoped that there was, now I know and am living it everyday. Awareness is key. Continual awareness is key. Awareness of yourself, of others, of your values, of your feelings, of who you are and where you want to go. But it is not laborious, it is in fact liberating.

    I wanted to share the end of my story with you all. My posts are scattered all over this sight however I dont’ think I ever really told my story in full and never will now, but I wanted to tell you that there is a happy ending. It is hard work getting there. But it is worth it. As are you.

    Thank you all
    Peace and Love

    I Am Done. 🙂
    xxxxxx

    1. it’s nice to see you It is Done, am really pleased to hear that you have found happiness. The end of the story, is at the end of your life, I hope that you make it a beautiful life!! 🙂 x x

      1. Thanks Pos, shall we say the end of my sociopath story… The end of that chapter.
        I just thought it may help a few people to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
        I wish you happiness for your future.
        XX

      2. Aww and for you too. With all of my heart. I so hope that this new person is a GOOD ONE and that all of your dreams and wishes come true x x

      3. I will put in a new page – for people who have recovered and moved on – the end of the story. As I think (as you know) that having that HOPE… just a ray, just a shadow of light in the darkness, can keep us going. When sometimes, we feel that there is just nothing left, and we are nothing and there is no hope. I will set it up now. Thank you.

    2. What a great epilogue to your experience, It is Done! I loved reading it today with my coffee. You confirm I think what all of us that still are wading in the cess pool of these creeps, know. NC is the only way to forget this chapter in our lives. Indeed it is hard, sometimes I wonder if the chaos that he brings appeals to some part of my being, and why I might be struggling to let it go- because it seems so hard to do. But your words are so right, as all the advice on here. I know I will overcome this BS. I give myself a C+ so far for effort!
      Cheers dear person,
      Edal

      1. Edal,
        Thank you so much for stating that fact. It is sooo hard. I always question my own sanity and wonder why I choose to tolerate the behavior.Indeed, that is why I go by a pen name. The backlash from people who don’t understand can be very hurtful. If I didn’t find this website, I may have gone on for years, wondering what went wrong and why. I know this sounds crazy, but maybe it’s not that we are weak…maybe it’s because we are strong. Perhaps we feel that we can handle anything that comes down, so we continue…. But like Posativagirl says, there comes a time when enough is enough and I guess everyone has their own way of knowing.Forgive yourself. Sounds easy, but I struggle with that one too.
        Natalie

      2. Hi edal,

        One thing I became aware of was that part of it was that I was addicted to pain and bad relationships. It took me looking into why this was for me to heal it and then break the pattern. You can google it to get more info on it…

        I wish you luck in your healing. Eventually you will stop contact completely. After a while the feelings of banging your head against the wall become over bearing.
        You’ll get there. Give yourself an A my friend.
        Xxx

  14. Hey Natalie & Done, I really can appreciate where both of you are coming from. I think on Nat’s point that yeah, we are strong and positive and full of empathy and that attracts them. We stay involved because we sense somehow we can change their behavior, atleast I did. As time went by and all the bad feelings kept being generated, I would grow negative and depressed and break up. How many long phone calls did I endure telling him it’s just not going to work? At one point, around the holiday season when he was acting particularly a jerk, I insisted he spend xmas day with my family because I knew he had no one else in the area. That actually was a nice day- but he soon reverted to his old ways and I broke up for a couple of months again.
    This pattern, as Done says, will only stop once and for all when we get to the point. Stay strong and enlightened, as this site has provided the tools to be able to deal with! Thanks again for everyone’s input. I love you guys!
    Edal

    1. Actually, my empathy slowly changed to resentment. Always on-guard to protect myself, it was tiring. Soon, when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t like the negative, depressed, person staring back at me. But for some reason, I couldn’t walk away. Why? That is something I need to explore.

  15. Wow! It’s been forever since I’ve been on here. This site helped me tremendously while I was picking up the pieces after a horrible experience with a sociopath.

    All while I dated my spath, I had this nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I had this inexplicable need to play detective and to look. I couldn’t rest. Then I finally saw what my gut knew the whole time: he was cheating on me. I was devastated.

    I took all of 2013 off from dating or pursuing any relationship and tried to focus on me and my kids. I went to therapy and it helped some but I think I need more.

    After having been through what I have, I feel I am at a crossroads when it comes to my gut feeling. I have had two, brief relationships this year and in each, my inability to trust has come to surface. My issue is: there is a fine, fine line between your gut feeling and fear. I fear so much that I will get played again and with this last relationship, I struggled to determine if it was my gut feeling telling me something wasn’t right, or was it just fear?? How do you differentiate between the two?

  16. Hi Pos. This is one that I continue to struggle with even nearly a year after the relationship ended. Actually I agree in principle with what you’re saying but the reality of what actually happened, I admit I am stumped. While I was in the relationship I was 100 per cent sure that my gut was saying it was the right relationship for me and he was the right person. It’s not even as if I hadn’t stopped to think about it’s rightness. For a variety of reasons totally apart from his sociopathy and lying (which I knew nothing of at that point) I had done a whole heap of soul searching before and during the relationship. Well I got that wrong. My gut instinct lead me into a very unsafe place. But I was sure it was right for me.

    Now with hindsight it is easy to say it was all wrong, and I am just glad to be out of a very hurtful place. To remain out of it is a battle but I stick to your recommendation of ‘no contact’. It works, especially in regard to my healing. What I struggle with is that it appears I can’t trust my gut. Many people have tried to tell me that I was simply in denial of my own feelings. I don’t understand it, but I don’t believe I was simply in denial.

    1. Did you not have any red flags at all Cate? Things that didn’t add up that they persuaded you was all ok. So you put it to the back of your mind? I did see a few things, but he went to such great lengths to deceive, I didn’t want it to be true, so I believed him, rather than me.

  17. I am really happy to have this forum to talk about trust. I have lost a lot of trust in humans unfortunately lately. I don’t think I could fix my ex, but I do work in a field of special education and am an open person. I think I was trying to lead by example. We would have intimate talks and shares but in all we were on different places in life stages. I am really finally healing and beginning to close this chapter. I learned so much about myself and am so happy to come out better on the other side. I know know that not everyone thinks like me (duh) and try to love freely giving unconditional love. We all have conditions and I am trying to get rid of those then I think I won’t be as hurt. He really turned out to be unintelligent, crazy, and immature. I am so sorry that he is worse off than I am to go through life the way he does. Thank you posgirl for helping me understand that he wanted a reaction because you were so right, but unfortunately I HAD to walk away knowing that I had the upperhand. I am just not there in my healing to accept that kind of behavior.

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