Many people think that this site is run by two people. Myself and PR (Phoenix Rising), this isn’t true, as it is my site, but PR has been an incredible help and support in the last year, always trying to be on hand offering humour, wisdom, compassion and lifted spirits to those who visit this site, and were sometimes broken. She has helped me so much, and kept this site alive, especially during times when I could not be here myself.
Over the year she has not only offered support to readers of this site, but away from the site, to me too. For this, I am incredibly grateful. I know that a while ago, she had wanted to write her story, she sent it by email, and I think it ran to 13,000 words 🙂 🙂 of course, I had asked her to write a post – not a mini book, so I couldn’t post it. Anyway, I asked if she could do me a guest post, as I know that she has offered so much help, and support to people of this site (including me too). From me, thank you always for your hard work at this site, for your continued humour, and sunshine that you bring, not only to me, but to many who visit this site.
It’s been nearly 12 months since I first found this amazing site DAS & Postivagirl.
Most know me as PR or as Lyss recently pointed out Pheonix (spelt incorrectly) Rising…like dough 😉
As I explained in a responding comment, the error was unintended initially but, I couldn’t change it & always thought of it as yet another message from above. (‘As Above, So Below’)
PHE-ON-IX 😉
Pee-On-Ex….that works for me.
If dogs can Pee on it, Kick dirt on it & Leave that s#*t behind so can I 🙂
I ran the gauntlet via this site as each new post came up, I was actually living it simultaneously as it unfolded.
Pos was posting & I was living it right in that moment.
I got spooked & thought she was in my head, I looked over my shoulder more than once I assure you 😉
Funny thing was she ended up in my heart 🙂
Pos had started writing a few months earlier so, I missed the first couple of posts.
If you don’t know my story it’s back under old comments June 14th 2013 if your interested?
Snapshot is, 10 years with a disordered mind & pathological liar….it was the now knowing that really floored me!
I literally had NO IDEA, none…zippo!
I was draped in ‘Red Flags with a matching pair of shoes & handbag & yes, even the lippy! 🙂
Red looks good on me, he told me so!!!!
‘Paint your nails Red, wear that Red coat/dress/shoes etc….here, try this flag on for size!’ ‘Looks Fabulous On You!’…
I obviously missed the ‘NO CONTACT’ post!
Yes, I made the fatal mistake of ‘letting him have it’, with all guns blazing & looked totally ‘psychedelic’.
Yep I was off with the pixies & over that Rainbow, after the Witch & the flying monkeys, loopy la la crazy! 🙂
Like a Volcano, I erupted & spewed forth my revenge!
Mount Etna would’ve been jealous.
Oh a woman scorned, hell hath no fury & I was FURIOUS to say the least!
Do I regret this?
To be honest No.
It was something I had to do for me but, my experience was my own & it was my choice besides, I had aligned with the OW & thought we were ‘taking him down once & for all!’….(Alas, he was stronger than her but, I wish her well, she is me after-all in another skin!)
Would I recommend making contact?
NO, NO…know thyself first!
My warning came too late but, heed this wise advice from Positiva….the NO CONTACT it the only way through & out with your dignity & self intact.
Why?
Because, at the end of the day, you are dealing with something far bigger than just your Sociopath/Narcissist.
You are dealing with YOU.
Quite frankly, they really aren’t worth the time & energy but, YOU are.
Invest that Energy back into yourself if you can? You are worth investing in & always have been, what do you think attracted them in the first place….YOU& your Positive Eenergy 🙂
You are free & you get to choose which way this ends, Happy or Sad, Good or Bad, Smart or Dumb.
Whatever label we pin on the Abuser (Perpetrator), doesn’t really matter as, it’s the behavior each of them demonstrates that matters most. It’s what unites us & what we despise about their behavior & intentions isn’t it?
This is after-all the reason why we are left reeling.
It’s their actions, they speak volumes & acting is their forte! So is talking BS, non-stop!
They work at making you accept the unacceptable & they do this systematically & routinely & devastatingly accurate!
If we were actual archery targets, the first arrow is straight through the head, the second through the heart & then just lots of arrows all over our souls 😦 Hmmm, I love an analogy & that’s an original PR 🙂
Abuse is not acceptable ever, full stop….!!!!
If you truly love a person, you don’t deliberately hurt them, not knowingly or deliberately or as a means to an end or for your entertainment, self delusion or self entitlement, it’s not all about YOU the perpetrator/Socio/Narc/whatever, it’s about US…the word is US….NO E! ( another original PR ism 😉
We use things, not people.
You don’t use the excuse of being abused & pay it forward etc…you seek help if that’s how you perceive life. Don’t condone ABUSE.
You don’t act in a contradictory way. You don’t pretend to be someone your not, full stop.
You don’t lie, cheat, game & discard. we are people & we all deserve the best & nothing less.
You don’t physically harm or mentally play a game with a loved ones mind or anyone’s mind for that matter.
Emotional/Physical/Spiritual Abuse is cruel & sadistic & should never be tolerated, ever!
Do not accept the unacceptable behavior & take responsibility for yourself & don’t allow it.
How?
I think I came through life not actually ever considering & adhering to my core beliefs for many reasons. We all come from different backgrounds/upbringing/life experiences/intellect etc…yet we all fall into the ‘trap’.
I was a mess of emotions, a basket case, like a shattered mirror.
Piece by piece I had to pick myself up.
Piece by piece Pos & others here & elsewhere helped me. THANK YOU ALL.
I actually know that if I hadn’t,found this site my healing would not have been as productive.
I did the whole process of cycling through each emotion of grief/shock/disbelief/ruminating/obsessing/therapy/meds/questioning/researching/drowning/lifeless/procrastinating/crazy/
accepting/healing.
Healing (always ongoing).
Never had I ever done this before &, I have had huge life events take place but, this one was different.
It went deep into the core of me.
Why?
I realized that every value I had, had been betrayed.
Each & every single one of them.
Here’s a list & I’m sure you can add to it yourself;
- Dependable – I thought he was dependable as I am.
- Reliable – I thought he was reliable as I am.
- Loyal – I thought he was loyal as I am.
- Committed – I thought he was committed, I was.
- Open-minded – I thought he was open-minded, I am.
- Consistent – I thought he was consist ant, I am
- Honest – I thought he was honest, I am.
- Positive – I thought he was positive, I am.
- Optimistic – I thought he was optimistic, I am.
- Inspiring – I thought he was inspiring, I am.
- Passionate – I thought he was passionate, I am.
- Respectful – I thought he was respectful, I am.
- Courageous – I thought he was courageous, I am.
- Educated – I thought he was educated, I am.
- Respected – I thought he was respected, I am.
- Loving – I thought he was loving, I am.
- Nurturing – I thought he was nurturing, I am.
- Protective – I thought he was protective, I am.
- Empathy – I thought he had empathy, I do.
- Compassionate – I thought he was compassionate, I am.
- Integrity – I thought he had integrity, I do.
- Values – I thought he had values, I do.
So, you see, I AM & I WAS & I DO still have all these values but, I put my faith in another & he let me down ‘BIG TIME’, the ultimate betrayer of faith in another & that’s why is so devastating because it’s done by those with an AGENDA all their OWN.
What did I learn from this whole experience you ask?
I learnt the WHY, HOW & THE REASON from & for the experience.
I had forgotten WHO I AM but, due to this experience I have remembered.
I have redefined myself & my values & core beliefs.
I have re-established healthy boundaries & become aware of my interactions, personally/physically & spiritually.
I AM truly GRATEFUL & I have FORGIVEN MYSELF & allowed this forgiveness to flow to my ‘perpetrator’, not to condone but, to set myself free of the betrayal….I have accepted that he does what he does because, that is his nature, not mine.
Thank you is not nearly enough when something as simple as the sharing of a story, can save your life & sanity.
I am grateful I found DAS & will always be indebted to Pos for taking her valuable time to share herself.
That’s a true & unique gift, of oneself.
It’s what sent us all here in search of, someone like ME.
It’s the GIFT that keeps giving & we gave away far too much so, time to take back your POWER.
Pay it forward, share, support but, mainly VALUE your journey, all of it….It is yours, you own it & you define it.
Don’t let it define you, you are unique, you are multi-faceted & dimensional.
You are ‘Real’, not a forgery, not an illusion, not a liar, your extraordinarily YOU!
‘Happiness is not a Destination, it’s a way of Life’….strive to be happy daily, even moments are enough at first, stockpile them, not pain.
I AM ENOUGH & SO ARE YOU, remember that 🙂
Must dash – – – – get it!
Hahaha….my dough has risen, time to bake me some bread, with lashings of butter & honey…Yummy 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Dating a Sociopath 
Thanks to you PR!
Thanks to you too NMI 🙂
Love PR xoxo
I’m sure that every one of us can write a book about our experiences, but without this site, there would be less validity. Dating a Sociopath is the only cohesive information out there. I know, because I’ve been on so many sites. Since I found this one, I’ve stopped goggling.
Hi Natalie 🙂
I agree re the book & the site & well-done on writhing yours 🙂
Love PR xoxo
writing dah!!! it’s late here in Australia well, that’s my excuse 😉
Ohh cool as, your an Aussie to PR another cool tick for you.. Anyways thanks for the great read got me thinking about everything, and I don’t regret my experience either.. Just another lesson in life..
Hi Phoenix, what a post, it was great to read a woman scorned😢 there’s nothing worse than that, and they do betray you to your very core, all of your attributes they just throw off the curb, I can empathize with you, and so can everyone else here. I knew that this site was Pos’s site, and you were the kool one making everyone feel good, you made me laugh when you said pee on ex. You always made me laugh, you are a good person, and I consider you Pos’s second hand woman, you were there giving advice when she wasn’t able to be with us.. I changed my name because I feel great, started seeing someone else but taking it real slow, you can still call me b though. Llove and peace Phoenix 😎💙
Awww Thankyou B 🙂
Your a tricker….I had no idea you were that B 🙂 🙂
I am so glad you are moving forward & feeling great, I am really very pleased for you 🙂
Keep the pace slow with the new man & really get to know all about him, I mean all….no secrets, complete transparency, nothing less for one of the best!
I am proud of you for taking the risk again but, with awareness by your side 🙂
Love Always PR xoxo
Thankyou….💛💜 And I didn’t mean to trick you I thought you read the post where I told Pos around mayby April I changed my name, in April everything just came into play, I was no longer feeling bewildered,, I was in the last stage of grief and acceptance stage, because my mom (rip) loved Bette boop I had seen the name in Facebook and it stuck with me,, been off fb 3 yrs now. Anyway you an Pos have always helped me, I’m still staying on the site though, the spath called from jjail last night I yelled at the top of my lungs do not call me. Think that should do it.. Love and peace 😏💗
Ah I think i recall you saying that you were someone else, but couldn’t recall who…. Ah you know yelling at him – he gets energy from that. Negative energy is better than none at all (from their point of view) – its emotion!! Good to hear that you are doing well!!! 🙂
Love you PR and Pos x
Right back at YOU IWR 🙂
Remember that you are loved always by someone out here in the world, me 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thank-you Pos 🙂
I wanted to write it as a healing piece rather than a ‘dragging up all the old baggage’ etc…’I packed up my troubles in my old kit bag & buried them in the sea’.
I really just wanted to tell others that this site has evolved into more than just a blog…
Your insights & support have become invaluable to the recovery process that not many others achieve on their blogs or in therapy….
It’s really quite phenomenal & as I said, ‘pay it forward’ that’s my motto 🙂
I can’t wait to purchase your book & keep growing & helping others out there.
Life really is too short & 10 years for me was too long but, 1 year with you guys & I am pretty much on my way to Normalville again, it has a suburb called Awareness, self respect, gratefulness, forgiveness, I love it here…..Even got the Chattanooga Choo Choo stopping all stations 🙂
13,000 words really 😉 nah, 12,999 😉 :)….I do love a ramble….hahahaha
My email to the Soc/Narc was 10 pages long 😉
A page for every year & every abuse so, I think that was conservative 😉
oh, & I didn’t correct my typo’s….what’s new!
Love & Light To Everyone Here, may you live a Soc/Free life from now on with me in Normalville, your new home awaits, mine has Phe-on-ix on the front door 🙂
PR xoxo
I have just done the front cover for the book, will send you and tell me what you think? I printed off 13 pages of post titles, to put them in order….. 151 posts (I won’t use them all though) heavy editing needed. And then some new things for the back of the book. Am getting there…. 🙂
Can’t wait for the book to be released. Good Luck!!!! You can do it, we have faith in you Pos..😆
I know I’d buy that book. 🙂 Thanks again so much for this blog positivagirl, and thank you PR for this great post and all the energy you put into caring about others here.
Thank you blue 🙂
Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this. Be well.
OMG!! Every time I read a post I want to say this was soooo incredibly helpful and was the best post ever! But I just keep reading. I think I am in the crying stage and trying to come out of it (writing and sharing not as easy right now, I snap easily too yuck) . I realize that I need to work on myself (he sure made me think that) but I also need to let him go away (from my mind mostly, 4 weeks of no contact)!
I am so grateful to both Pos and PR for all the support and laughter and absolute TRUTH! Most of all the support.. I have things I want to say but doesn’t come out great when writing so all I can say is that you are helping someone who has very little supportive friends and is in great need so I can not thank you enough sincerely 🙂
I keep wondering if any of his feeling were real at all and that is where is it inconceivable to me and feels so crappy (( anyyay
We love you Elisa 😃
4 weeks, yay you 😃😃
Thank you for your beautiful words & please remember it’s not just your words that are beautiful 😃
You are too 😃
Love PR xoxo
Hi PR !!
Thank you so much for your support!!
You really are an inspiration 🙂 I read here everyday to get through these ruminating thoughts UGH!
Everything reminds me of him and I feel so stupid when I
think of what ugly things he said to me.
I go over it and over it as if I said something wrong that made him
say those things. But then I know it’s not true, struggling ((
I will remember your words of support and wisdom.
Everything you wrote makes me remember the truth and feel good
while I’m LOL !!
Keep writing and thanks for writing to me so much 🙂
P.S. Elisa, re what they say being real, I believe they do say ‘real’ things but, its in the moment & moments don’t last long when they leave, especially if there are others. He was as real to you as he could be but, his ability to be real to himself is short lived as they don’t have the ability to self reflect or take responsibility for the pain they cause as we do.
I guess what I’m saying is that, you would never do & say to them what they do to you & that’s what makes them abusers. They use your love for them against you & they know you have the capacity to forgive over & over in the name of love. A person that truly loves you would never abuse that & that’s just what they do, take advantage of your ‘realness’.
They tell the truth when they want something like sex or power & when they say your ‘sexy’, damn right you are! When they say your beautiful, that’s a fact & they know it 😃
We just don’t need to tell them constantly how ‘great’ they are so, they fish for compliments by dishing them out! Mine told me I was smart, funny, sexy, beautiful & that’s the truth! Hahaha, he just omitted to tell me he used those lines on the other fabulous ladies…,I’ve met 2 & seen 3 & yep, they are all lovely women so, he has good taste but, we don’t! Haha
PR x
HI PR,
HAHA yes that is so true!
I have to admit I have isolated myself for years from one bad
encounter/relationship to the next. So it felt too good to get a hug (every time he saw me which became confusing). Didn’t get a lot of compliments from him but I felt like I didn’t want to leave him (It was annoying cause I’m usually not like that) . How did he brainwash me? I’d like to learn that trick to repel the creep.
I have a hard time socializing and don’t find myself meeting real good people (men) you know.
Any suggestions ? I am in the states. But more importantly, I am taking the great advise here from you and Posgirl!! Making lists and working on myself. A better use of time. 🙂 I am so lucky to have you and this site :)))))))))))))))))
Elise 🙂 suggestions for attracting the ‘right’ person into your life,
Work hard on just being you & staying wholehearted, work out what makes you ‘tick’. What are you passionate about? What are your values & beliefs.
Start doing stuff to stay connected but, opening other doors. Volunteer, like minded good people are out there creating better conditions & support for others.
Look for a person whose actions match there words & ask them their values but, if they are purely reflecting yours, be careful…No-one is that perfect a fit for us except someone like a Socio & that old adage,’if it seems to good to be true, it probably is’…
You have awareness on your side so, don’t waste it. Just stay true to you & work with that 🙂
We can all ‘get someone’, lets face it.
I am to busy finding me at the moment but, I am coming along nicely.
You know, I am actually okay with the thought I may never find another love but, that’s actually okay.
I found me, myself & I & we are perfectly happy together, crowded but, happy 😉
Although ‘ME’ get’s a little outrageous sometimes but, we reign her in 🙂
Be You & the rest will follow 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Thank you for your generous support and messages. They are such a tremendous help 🙂
PR & Pos ,
Thanks both . U kept me sane .
👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👀
Nick
I totally agree with Nick! This site has been my life line that I cling to whenever I have the slightest inkling to break N/C. Until this experience I never thought I had an addictive personality. I never smoked, drank or anything , but boy oh boy because of the wisdom and knowledge shared by all here, I can now see that my desire to make contact is a total addiction. 8 months now since I last fell off the wagon ( I fell several times) and there are still days when I struggle, but it is getting better and I love waking up the next day and thanking God that I didn’t contact the perpetrator (thanks PR -perfect name for the Bastard)! I also like creep, monster, scumbag, loser ………… I could go on and on!
Thank you POS & PR ~ From the bottom of my healing N/C heart 🙂 XXXOOO Mimi
P.S. POS, please Add me to the ever growing can’t wait until the book is published list!
Thank you Mimi 🙂
Thank you Mimi for sharing & being You. 😃
Stay strong, it gets easier & better & you deserve to be happy, remember that….it’s your birthright, we were born to be loved & loving, we are so fortunate.
I had many names for my ‘perp’ but, i can say his name now & i feel okay…it rhymes with Poo so, makes it easy 😃hahaha…..
You know, the bigger you LOVE, the harder you fall but, you do get up & love again but, only the ‘real’ ones next time!
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
Hi Nick 😃
I hope your doing well & moving forward.
Thank you for being here, everyone helps each other & that’s what makes it such a special site 😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
Dating a Sociopath by Positiva with input by Pheonix (that was hard to spell wrong and never noticed before but I often have tears in my eyes while on here so who could blame me?!) IS THE GREATEST self support group bar none. I would even venture to say it is better then therapy you pay for because you get such a wealth of information I doubt any one therapist would have access to. And, it’s easier to absorb then reading a book. It is engaging because as you read and write responses, it sinks in better.
And yet, I sit here today, supposedly a holiday weekend here in the States, feeling utterly blue and alone. A week long crick in my neck hasn’t helped my disposition, nor my recent attempts to “make closure” which you know where that led. I am an utter fool, and, just speaking to my dad about various stuff, I make a point to defend my actions to where the listener can understand, sometimes. Most don’t- and why I don’t tell anyone about my latest relapse. It all has to stay bottled up in my mind. But no- I can let it out here.
I just keep reading these posts and am so glad I found about the same time as it begun. I think that was a Universal miracle. I am blessed, we all are. I know things will get better. I have that knowledge atleast.
Thanks again, blessed Y’all!
Edaldude
Things will get better eldadude. You have been through so much and probably haven’t had time to process it all. Holidays are often a difficult time as we have so many ‘expectations’ of how things ‘should be’. Am sorry to hear you a’re having a bad day. Keep going at least your heading in the RIGHT direction 🙂
Thanks Pos, as usual you are right. You see, in only 24 hours I feel much better today, sans my neck! Pinched nerve I think brought on by lots of crap around the house ( getting my old house rewired) and the mess that’s left. Long way to go and in the midst of putting stuff away, I stumbled upon objects and pictures that left me feeling my loss 10x over! Ughh, sometimes I hate pics, as they send me down memory lane once again, but I do cherish them. I do love the past even tho I know there’s no going back!
I had my ex BUM, who stirred the pot once again a couple weeks ago this time using the premise of not only my BD, which I ignored, but then Mom’s day celebrated here in the States. I actually was communicating with not one but two new contacts from dating sites and made the error of sharing my care for exBum because I have a heart and I know he lost his mom a dozen years ago. He then sends me all these pics from his latest luxury vacation, asking me details about the palms there ( I am a big palm tree nut and plantsman). I couldn’t help but respond and told him what was what. Next thing I know my door bell rings, a sense of dread filled me, I did not even peek out window to look. YEP- it was him, he actually drove across town to return an old shovel I left for him. Sent an email to say he used that as excuse to see me. I told him that was dumb, that I gave him the damn thing. He asked to see me again, I said not good day for- had electricians/not feeling well, etc. He came anyway and I let him in! I was so certain I could entertain him as friend then wish him adieux. HA
So we make fantastic love, as usual ( the only great thing about “US”)
and he goes into his speal about needing time, to go slow ( slow? I wasn’t asking for us to reunite), that he may even move down to Houston to be with his new love. I was like, so, you lied to me and told me it was over a month ago ( he had the first day) but this was the second day ( sorry, I am skipping events). He said he never told me that, and I was like oh right, it’s always me that is hearing things! He goes on to say he has to go, after he always fits in booty call, but no time to talk. Rush of anxiety and jealosy enter my head. What is this? Nothing but the same old game plan, no surprise. Yet it still causes all the wrong emotions.
I ignore him for days, but he texts me a few later asking why I had gone silent. I reminded him that that is what HE wanted ( actually me too cuz I don’t want to be in this shit anymore). He gets back at me to come over and I say not today, bad day. Couple more days and he texts coldly to which at this point having seen both my contacts from dating websites dissove ( what else is new?), I sorta WANT the attention now. Enter addiction to chaos. Oh lordy, now he plays the victom, telling me that I blew him off earlier in the week and all these stupid texts. I WAS LIVID. I couldn’t get my replies to go through ( cosmic block? and even wondered if he had blocked ME this time!).
NO, so I calls him from alternate phone. Now he is all totally normal sounding, even gitty. He told me how he might go down to Houston for holiday weekend, and, although yeah I was hurt because I gave him the upperhand, I was glad too. GO MF! He didn’t even tell me for sure he was going until he just left after work Friday with the caveat that he still didn’t know his plans or if he wanted to stay and do me. Ha, like that so would have been a bad decision for my part.
So now I know what I am going to do. When he gets back and wants to play again, I will say, oh sorry, not a good time- I have met a super new person ( he knows I am on dating sites) and just drop enough details to make him feel shitty! I may even tell him that this new guy is in great shape ( unlike him, who has gained weight since I saw him last!). I know I am not going to accomplish much, but it will feel good to just do it, resume NC. I already proved I can’t even trust myself around him in a casual situation- so I must go back to NC and feel secure like I did not too long ago. I am sorry I took the bait, but honestly, I AM going through a lot, I AM human, and bound to trip up, I do have so much more wisdom and experience this time to see me through- plus the company of all you fellow sufferers. I’ll be okay, sorry for rant, I had this bottled up in me and can’t tell anyone….
Edal
You are so right Edaldude! I can testify that this site has helped me far more than my Therapist! Truth be told, I believe that I have educated my therapist on exactly what a sociopath really is! You can go to school and study for years and not have the knowledge that we have as survivors of these sub-human, evil creatures. We are all graduate students currently enrolled in the school of dating a sociopath! Lol ~ I think I am going to send my Therapist a bill!
We care about you Eda so, never forget that, stay strong & be brave 😃
We love you 😃
I mean that, PR xoxo
Hi Eda,
Yes, you are human so, you need to remember that & stop letting him treat you like an alien!
Alienation of oneself is torturous & you must know that you can stop this if you want to?
The more you give of yourself, the more he will continue to take & he know’s all your frailties, you told him them.
Don’t let him use you against yourself & I hope you go NC for good & find a ‘real’ love.
While he’s around playing with your head & heart, you may not so, clear the way for the new…just like the re-wire, very symbolic really…re-wire you 😉
You know you are Electrifyingly Luminous so, light your own way from now on & don’t allow others to dim your switch or your dull your sparkle 🙂
Your Beloved Mum would want you to be happy & this guy is not for you!
Sex can be great but, without that deeper connection, that’s all it is, Sex with no depth & at the end of the day, your more than a sex object!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Thanks Pheonix & Positiva, your encouragement is so appreciated and absorbed! And the follow up comments from Mimi, the devastation acknowledged from Celeste, everyone here in the now stumbling through the debris that is our loves. I know everything you have so carefully reminded that it is all in me. But I have a question:
I know and have always been who I “am”. I think a wonderful soul that is connected with the “real” world; plants, animals, art, etc. If it is true that I am connected why do I go for so such lengths of time without connected love to the human condition? Why is it, when I do attract a mate, that it always gets messed up? I don’t think I signed up for all this drama early on in my life, nor do I think that all these lovely, happy couples are more “with it” then I am. It pisses me off that I see so many people in long-lasting, seemingly loving relationships, and I always fail. I seem to meet the losers, because ironicallly I feel compelled to “go for” the lonely guy in the corner. Chemistry notwithstanding, I always fall for the type that will end up getting the upper hand, and throw ME to the curb. I don’t get it, I often question whether there really is such a thing as karma. So many of the wealthy elitest types that get a hold on power, money, etc- they are the ones that live the life- that get all that their money and hearts desire. It really isn’t fair.
My ex is a stinker, I am not so stupid to think he’d ever change, but sometimes I think he really is smarter then me- he will get life’s benefits of booty and companionship while I sit here alone with my cat and potted plants! I am not that hard to please, and yet my life lesson? Incredible difficulty in connecting with the right people. The Universe can be cruel, but I guess there is no “rules” to the human condition. I have to accept that being with my wonderful self will have to do, like you state, Pheonix. I AM happy with me, that ain’t the fucking problem, I can’t seem to convince any body else! Oh well, back to my Netflix and other such diversions.
Edal
Awww Eda 🙂
I read somewhere? that we attract what we lack in ourselves?
Perhaps that means, we lack ourselves worth, even though we say we have it all together, do we really? Or, do we choose others above ourselves.
Put yourself at the top of your list, it’s not selfish, it’s self preservation & you don’t need to ‘save’ another or give yourself to them.
Prioritize YOU & don’t rescue or feel sorry or think that you won’t be happy. What you think, you attract also…think better of your life & then go out & truly manifest it. Don’t obsess of what you don’t have but, what you do.
You are already doing this but, do it with passion.
Your great with plants & animals, your a great friend, your a wonderful son, your a great mate etc…play on your strengths & work on any weakness.
You are deserving of this, believe it 🙂
Love PR xoxox
oh & Eda, don’t judge your lack of a partner on others etc…happiness is a perception & a lot of people tolerate another for that perception.
The grass is not necessarily greener on ‘couple’s happiness hill’, if you were a ‘fly on the wall’ & saw the compromises etc…you’d be amazed.
Some just stick with the devil they know & I’d rather be alone than ‘perceive I’m happy but, am only a pretender’…..
Everyday, set yourself a ‘goal’ to achieve & appreciate ‘joy’ & let it flow out there….truly look at the day & stay in the moment of wonder & joy.
A smile or a flower etc…bring it back consciously & focus on it…you’ll be fine just the way you are. 😉
Life is your ‘perception’ so perceive it with JOY 🙂
PR x
OMG Eda, I’m on a roll 😉
Loneliness is a perception as well, think lonely & you will be.
Also, Dating sites are full of two types, lonely hearts & predators & the combination is dangerous.
People that are well adjusted & happy being alone, wait & don’t look for it, if it comes it comes if it doesn’t, they enjoy that as well 🙂
Do stuff that connects you to your community, volunteer to help others or join in groups that are passionate about plants & animals etc…feel worthwhile & be worthwhile 🙂
Oh & if you already do, that’s wonderful 🙂
That’s it, I think ;-)??? Hahahaha PR x
& remember Eda, there are a lot of Socio’s out there in marriages & partnerships & no-one has a clue until…..;)
Relationship counselors are in high demand….;)
Pheonix man you were burning the midnight oil this weekend! Positiva I hope can get some alone time while you help with your comments. But know you’re right- I even blogged about that before- having a partner does not insure happiness or guarantee not feeling alone! I’ve known tons of disfunctional relationships. Ironic, I loathe the feeling of being alone, but know that it is usually more agreeable then being with people ( how many times do I go to a party and think how nice it would be at home, alone, again?!).
I probably do need to explore therapy more seriously ( I balked at the fees a few months ago when I looked online). Besides, my mom always said therapists are quacks, and she should know as she worked with many at a pyschiatric hospital-school for a dozen years! Hell, half the staff were whackos in real life! Ahh yes, the strange condition of being human! I guess I am just missing good loving mostly, then once the drama starts- ready to hit the road, jack! LOL I think that is why I entertain the idea of just using my exBum for the physicalness on my terms- then go back to my aloneness. Could that work? NO- GOD, because of the way he makes me feel and the mind games, if only he could play the game MY way for once! LOL
Also, YES! I do think it is quite likely that we attract what’s missing in our selves. My exBum was very smart and cunning- I am the former but not the latter. He has great self control to certain things that I can’t seem to give up ( cigarettes and booze). He is dedicated to his schooling and career to a degree I never was. Etc. What I understand now, from rereading all the wonderful posts, is that once they move on, and then come back briefly, is only to know that they still hold the power over you. What a trip- but who knew of all the failed love affairs I easily went into no contact with- this one has been a doozie to let go. In fact, I had an old lover contact me after 9 years just to tell me that I, out of all the guys he met since, was the nicest guy he knew! Really was sweet- but our reunion ( we met for lunch) was short-lived. That was in 2011! My people are curious things. And life is strange. Death and taxes the only guarantee life does give us, LOL! OH wait, and BEAUTY- I want to end on a positive note here. Life is Beautiful, and I do appreciate it, the opportunity to even be here, alive, concious. We are all lucky, it is indeed the biggest mystery of the Universe, so try to rejoice, if amongst the bullshit, rejoice! 🙂
Edal
Hiya Eda 🙂
Love you heaps 🙂
I am not burning any oil 😉
I am in the Southern Hemisphere, I’m an Aussie 🙂 hahaha
I was at work as usual & multitasking 🙂
Sometimes my hand is like ‘Thing’ in the Addams family & just goes psycho, I use that term loosely not literally 😉
That’s why I make so many boo boo’s with my spelling 😉 😉
Oh well, at least I’m not driving heavy machinery or operating on anyone!!! 😉
Keep doing what you love & mostly love yourself.
I was attracted to ‘power’ so, have found my own 🙂
PR xoxo
Pheonix Rising, you are an inspiration !!
Lots of Love and an even greater amount of Thanks. AGPT
Thank you AGPT for ‘being you’ as well.
S.H.E.E.P riders united 😃
I have a link to send to you & Raven re an Australian movie just out called Healing, about prisoners (male) using Falconry for rehab etc….i am going to see it at an art house cinema in a couple of weeks. The trailer looks good & I will forward from laptop tomorrow.
I have a feeling you will be able to download & I think you’ll enjoy it?
Love & Light & continued support 😃
PR xoxo
thank you both for everything that you contribute. i am at an all low today and i keep reading and re reading all the topics and post. i dont think i would still be around had i not found this site.
i feel at a dangerous low.
Hi One day, I am around if you want to talk?
Do you know one thing that I learned? And that was that it was essential to have those horrible low days in my life (as horrible as they were) – as they made recovery when it finally came feel all the more obvious.
If you feel really low and sinking down into that ‘well’ of darkness when it sucks you back in, do all you can to bring yourself back to ‘present’ and ‘future’
to do this, get a piece of paper. Write yourself a list of all the things that you want to achieve, all of the things that you need to do. Make one BIG achievement in that list, something to work towards. In another list, write what you need to do to achieve this goal.
This is affective
1. It focuses your mind
2. It sends out positive energy
3. Its forward not backward looking
4. You attract towards you what you put out there.
Thanks positiva
I need to start using my time effectively instead of obsessing about my soc! I need help on no contact and how to distract myself. I am at home for a week before starting my new job and have too much time on my hands
Aww Oneday, please don’t doubt yourself, we know it’s so hard right now but, we care about you so, just stay here with us & now your not alone 😃
At night, look up at the stars, thats us & we will twinkle for you to show you we love & care about you. Please do the same for yourself, you are a vital part if the universe & we need your light 😘😃
Love & Light 😃
PR xoxo
Hi PR and PG,
I can relate to your post so much PR. I know I don’t write much in the way of comments, but this site has opened my eyes unlike any other and I’d endorse it to anyone I feel needs insights, answers and the knowledge to help themselves go forward from a very dark place.
I have over the years read various stuff, but it was like it didn’t register in my mind with the clarity it has here.
I thank everybody from the heart for this, I see many like minded people in various stages of healing and can relate to each one. I’m witnessing people grow and shine as a result of the time and effort here, taken to inform and help others, with genuine caring, empathy and understanding.
It’s a wonderful gift you all share, to be able to speak out about your experiences, is courage personified in my mind, I still can’t bring myself to do that, maybe one day I will be as courageous as everybody here.
My creativity has helped tremendously, but being part of this healing collective and learning from the many experiences others have had, is putting the final pieces of the jigsaw into place for me.
Thank you btw PG for the link to Aspien women, I pass the link to anyone I have to correspond with. It helps give them an understanding of my traits before I interact with them regarding my future dreams and plans etc.
Things are finally moving forward on that front, as there’s a better understanding of me now, without me having to explain my character to all and sundry. This has largely quelled the sheer anxiety I was experiencing when meeting new people and I’m finally coming out of my shell after many years of self imposed isolation.
It’s good to hear your book’s coming along PG, I’ll definitely be investing in it, as I’m sure many others here will. I’ll also be more than happy to plug it on my space too once it’s published. 🙂
Jen.xxx
Thank you Jen!!! 🙂
Yes that article was a wonderful article wasn’t it? Something clicked in me, when I read that too. I had given a lot of thought about the link between aspies and socio’s. I know that there is a lot that is written on sociopathworld about the relationship between the two.
Aspie ability to analyse, could be almost on the par with a sociopath as both have lightening fast thinking and brain. However, aspie always tells the truth to the point of bluntness – while sociopath says whatever they feel like to get whatever they want. Aspie takes things literally – so can believe things literally. I think just these things alone can make the control bond between them, very dangerous for the aspien person and difficult to get out of and leave (as they can believe the sociopath when they make promises to change) and also they see the best in people.
On the other hand, also being intelligent people, they do see the truth for what it is, and are able to analyse the information. To a fine degree. It is the deliberate deception from the sociopath – that can cause a lot of psychological damage as the aspien tries to figure out the truth and what is the real reality. Sociopaths are fantastic at creating an altered sense of reality and presenting it to you as if it were a gift of the truth.
Thank you for your kind words Jen, it means a lot 🙂
I only speak what’s true PG. a typical Aspie trait eh. 😉
I totally agree with what you’re saying there, as a child and young adult, I totally trusted everyone, they only had to say the right words and I would believe them, living in the moment as I did. I would let anything go, that hurt etc, would think it had to be me, which was I suppose, looking back, was more comfortable than confrontations etc, I’d find that mind blowing and the mind chatter that followed would totally drain me. All I wanted was to ” belong ” and be accepted, for people to like me. I was always looking for approval and had very low self esteem. I didn’t understand people and felt very alone.
As I got older, I isolated myself more, it was easier to stay away from people and get lost in my creativity and my children as they came along.
I believe, that even without the life events and trauma’s I experienced, I would have been a prime target for these types of people.
I don’t know whether this happens with you, but it can take up to a few days sometimes, for info to process to the point where I can give an informed response to a situation or query etc, then sometimes I could kick myself as I realise I misunderstood what I heard or read, or realise I’ve put my foot in it with my bluntness and literal responses to what I thought I heard or read etc. My brain sometimes also ” freezes ” , the analytical/left side and I can’t concentrate on what’s being said/written and can’t absorb the info.
This makes for low self esteem on the social front and also, makes for challenges, that others wouldn’t have.
I believe the sociopath etc, plays on these traits to the fullest, running rings around you, before you have time to process anything. All I knew was I had this horrible feeling of agitation around these types of people, but couldn’t put my finger on what it was and would put it down to my anxiety etc. They’d be long gone before I made sense of anything, so been had over a few times and learned the hard way.
My creativity did enable me to step back from the world though, where my mind could then analyse everything whilst the emotions were released in a constructive way. I was blessed and lucky to have this, I’m aware there are many others that don’t.
I also hid behind my creativity for a large portion of my life, people being too busy focusing on that rather than me. This was my survival and personal healing back then, but still things didn’t have clarity, until I found your space, Here, all what I read or watch, goes in and makes perfect sense to me, I can’t put into words how much I appreciate this. 🙂
I believe lots of Aspies out there have similar challenges, your site is written in a way that would also help them I feel.
You’re so thorough and know your stuff and have kindly passed all that knowledge to people like myself, who have been socially isolated and never get as far as the therapy room. You also come from a perspective of someone who’s lived it. 🙂
How’s the creativity coming along for you btw? I hope you’ve found some of them magical moments that I have when in my creative mode. 🙂
I lost my little mate btw, ( the cat I mentioned in an earlier post you did. ) I’ve just not stopped since, it’s the only way I know how to deal with the loss I’m feeling. On a brighter note though, I put his temperament into google search and to cut a long story short, we’ve put a deposit on a male ragdoll kitten.
” Spuddington Barry ” will join us in June,. 😀
I could never replace ” Sparkles ” but have a read about the ragdoll breed and you’ll see why I’m really looking forward to him joining us. 😀
Jen.xxx
Awww, Thank you Jen & I am so pleased Spuddington Barry has found a wonderful home with you. I love that breed ‘ragdoll’ a friend has one 😃
You know, we all communicate differently & some struggle with writing English but, it doesn’t matter as we are all together here in one way or another 😃
Expression comes from the heart & anyway you articulate yourself is good.
I have Asperger friends & love them dearly, we are all ’round pegs trying to fit in square holes’ 😃
I am just glad, I can feel emotion & love.
I cannot imagine life without that ‘joy’ factor.
Keep being ‘You’, never hide or apologise because, there are people out here that accept you just the way you are & from what I know of you, that’s more than good enough 😃
Love PR xoxo
Thank you PR that’s such a lovely thing to say and I really appreciate it.:)
I’ll post some pics of ” Spuddington ” when he’s here with us on my space, he’s a real beauty and a character already. I went to see him and fell in love with him. I love the fact they’re born white and their colours gradually show as they mature. His mum and dad are both absolutely beautiful! 😀
I’m also blessed that I can feel emotion and love, ultimately it’s the greatest strength isn’t it and we all have it here. 🙂
We’re all round pegs it seems, yes, but here we don’t have to fit in any square holes, we can just shine in our own light, be ourselves The beautiful energy you’s have created here, I feel, evoke this feeling of being understood and ” safe ” to be just ” yourself ” A thought on that above quote springs to mind. Isn’t the sun round, a sphere, is the earth we live on square? When we’re true to ourselves, we shine just like the sun don’t we, so I’ll conclude that I’d rather not be a ” square ” I’m rounded and grounded hehehe. 😉
Have a magical day PR, big hugs!
Jen.xxx
PR
PR it has been a long journey in my healing process, 15 months later (past the 1 year mark) and I would like to thank you and POS for all of your support and encouragment this site is truly a blessing for all of us who have suffered at the hands of the socio….
Life is Wonderful …Freedom and being LIBERATED from that horrific relationship was worth every bit of suffering I had to go through to get to this point!
God bless you and keep you all!
XxxxOOOOoooo
Wonderful sandra. I hope that life can bring sunshine and new and positive events to make you smile. Sounds like you are truly on the way there.
Hi Sandra 🙂
Thank you so much for your lovely words & encouragement to others of yet another success story 🙂
It does get better & we can survive.
Like you after acceptance I found gratitude for the lesson because, nothing else would have brought me this introspection of myself 🙂
A hard lesson indeed (understatement of the century) but, a lesson I am very grateful for & it brought people like Pos & you into my life so, that is indeed a blessing in disguise wouldn’t you say 🙂
Positiva has not only helped us but, healed us & without her I would hate to think just where my mind would have wandered off to? 😉
Continued strength & love & light Sandra 🙂
We won a battle we never intended to fight but, we saved ourselves, we became our own hero’s 🙂
PR xoxox
Reblogged this on Without Sanity and commented:
While the grammar is a bit broken in her story – sorry, P! … I can only attribute that to what it takes emotionally to retell a painful story. No matter how far removed.
I was just talking to a friend last night, “God, I don’t even recognize the girl I was when he and I were together. I don’t know that broken girl. Crazy how much about you can change once you are officially away from that.” I literally, do not even recognize the girl I once was in that situation. Had a remarkable man not walked into my life and showed me what true respect, partnership, love, and acceptance really meant – I would not have a clue as to whether or not such a thing really existed. Brainwashed, I was, indeed.
Read Phoenix’s story. She is a voice of so many women who desperately want revenge to take their power back, but know, from her story and her experience, that no real good, nor does any real healing come from it.
While, I am in NO WAY a battered woman, since he was in the very least smart enough not to be physically abusive – he mastered the art of being able to instill a forced desperation and longing which in the emotional sense is a very long process to get out of. (I giveth you a little love, and if you DARE step out of line or challenge me, I taketh away!) I hid the details of the emotional abuse from virtually everyone, my family included, until after the relationship ended. I only posted the sweetened things, on the good days, when I was not sick with anxiety that was so intense I could not sleep and on many days, could not eat. I find it beautiful, and comforting, to find that other women did it too, (while I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy… it feels better to know you were not suffering alone) sweetened everything up nicely in order to function, and then once the cycles of abuse finally ended — it came gushing out in cathartic fashion. I told everyone. Everyone. I told everyone all about what I had gone through and how I had been virtually roped in, brainwashed to think I was something less-than, and then toyed with for more than a year. I gushed out all of the details, and sometimes I cried about it, not because he was gone, but because I was finally ALLOWED to cry. (Crying was strictly forbidden in his presence, and if you cried when you were alone, you had best not ever tell him.)
Read. Women who have been through this, please read it. And after you ready this guest post, please keep going, please keep reading all of the other items that Dating a Sociopath has compiled. It really is beautifully healing without the need to seek out revenge or seek vindication over something that has finally been put to rest.
Let go, or be dragged… It’s like holding on to a balloon that is inflated just enough to keep flying while you are holding on to it… and every now and then your weight makes it scrape the ground, painful indeed, but if you let go — you won’t be road-rashed across the pavement repeatedly anymore. You will let go, you will hit the ground HARD… it’s going to be painful, and hurt for a while… but after that you won’t be spending your life wincing waiting for the next time you are close enough to ground to be ripped to pieces. You’re standing on your own two feet.
Hi Alyssa 🙂
Thank you for re-blogging as I think the more people that share their experiences the better. 🙂
My apologies for the grammer 😉 Pos said, ‘write a guest post’ so, I did in about 30 mins! Hahha
I snet it to her & said, “what do you think?, it needs editing as I just let it flow”.
Oopsy Daisy, there it was, up on the sight in all it’s glory 😉 😉
Then again, it is me & I am a very quick wit so, just ‘let it go’.
You know Alyssa, I was always very controlled in my own emotions around my ex as I didn’t want to appear weak.
Looking back I think it was my own ‘higher power’ not letting me drop my guard completely around him for further abuse so, I have truly tuned into that strength.
It is after all, the inner light that guided me home to myself.
I never cried in front of him either, & only really raged against knowing what he had done & who he truly was.
Still, it amazes me how much stronger I feel now than ever before in my life & for that I am grateful.
I wish you continued love & light always 🙂
Thank you for sharing you.
I am grateful you are in this world with me & the others here & elsewhere.
PR xoxo
& yes, more typo’s due to multi-tasking at work 😉 & not checking!!!
Hahahaha 😉
This post today is so perfect, so needed, so well put.
I couldn’t cry while I was with him and I was happy and surprised at how strong I thought I’d become to be able to stop the tears. Now I find my tears spilling out uncontrollably all over. I think you wrote it so clear that is certainly helped me to identify it in my own life. I really can not thank you enough!! SO GRATEFUL for your articles! This one I will need to save.
Keep going Elise 🙂
Crying washes the soul & cleanses you 🙂
Eventually you realize that you placed more importance on the relationship than he did & that’s not a flaw, that’s a strength.
You are able to love & give & be real & that ability is far more valuable than anything else in this world.
They on the other hand are like remote controls for the TV.
When you cannot find it it’s frustrating but, eventually you realize that there are better things to do than watch the Socio soap opera!
So, turn off the TV & go & live in the real world.
We are all out here waiting for you 🙂
Dry your eyes & come live in the real world with, the real people who will love you for who you are & not what you can do for them.
PR xoxo
Hi PR!!
Once again I thank you 🙂 and give you a cyber hug!
I love it ! I’m crying but think I will turn off the socio soap opera now !haha
You are so correct. It’s just taking me longer I guess but am learning to
care and value myself with all the support here from you good people!!
I am so grateful and lucky to find you. I’m a keep keep in on! Thank you as always PR you are such a sweet heart oooo
Awww Elise 🙂
You will get here where I am but, it’s up to you.
Just remember, the more energy you give to the pain, the more power it has over you 😦
I know, it’s easier said than done & I wanted to get to my ‘happy place’ asap but, the mind is a mind field so, just take good care of your ‘self’.
On the other hand, we can all take up Taxidermy ;)….hahaha 🙂
Love & Light Elise,
Always PR xoxo
Hi PR!
Great to hear from you as always!
Yes taxidermy haha . Am working on taking care of myself (what that actually means applied), easier said than done (I know that sounds crazy)… But am learning.
Anyway, I’ve read nearly every posting here by your self and Positiva girl who really has done so much to help so many that no therapy has ever been able to do with all the degrees (support goes a long way) and etc…
Keepin it real HAHAH! I guess that is the whole point right ?!
Another cyber hug to you! All the best…keep writing and I will keep reading 🙂
Good Girl Elise 🙂
I know you will succeed in taking care of yourself & I have great faith in you that once you get clear of the experience, you will be amazing 🙂
I went back to the gym & it nearly killed me 😉
The first session, I literally had no feeling in my legs & staggered to the car like I was drunk! 😉
I then had the idea of having a relaxing bath 😉 but, not a good idea as the muscles seized up & all that bath oil etc…made getting out look like a killer whale after a seal….not attractive! 😉
Anyway, that was 12 months ago & I have just been given the all clear by my orthopedic surgeon that I won’t be having a hip replacement anytime soon. 🙂
I was supposed to have one 5 yrs ago but, I was determined that I could beat this & I have.
Good Diet, lots of exercise & a positive attitude & Yay, no surgeons knife for me. I am 50 so, being a sole parent & breadwinner, the option of time off is not one I can take lightly.
My message to you is, do everything you can to change what you aren’t happy about in yourself.
Feel good from the inside out 🙂
Eat well, rest a lot, read & embrace your life.
If you think positive & act positive, it does pay off believe me.
I still have ‘those days’ but, they are less & less & certainly not the emotional pull that was once there.
Walk loads as it’s meditation, meet only uplifting people, focus on them & not your ‘stuff’.
Take back your power, your mind.
I read affirmations or funny stuff before bed etc…puts me in a better frame of mind.
I keep reading daily affirmations or uplifting comments/quotes.
Facebook & Pinterest are great for this.
Know that is does pass & 12 months from here, hopefully you will be free of it & everything will be clearer & less traumatic.
You aren’t alone as far as the understanding goes but, truthfully only you can save yourself & you are worth saving.
Keep being you 🙂
Love PR & (((0))) hugs 😉
Hiya PR,
I look forward to hearing your messages and I although I am getting busy in my life (mostly work, not much money but busy lol) , I really still hate myself for missing him. Then I go through all of the bad crap he said to me and how he treated me like crap by ignoring me or criticizing me and then I remember, little while later (same thing) ugh and then the next day it repeats. Thank goodness for exercise and work HAHA! I do recall that my personality got worse, I think I became impatient and mean (just like him). He wasn’t that impatient though. Here I go again ! Who cares! Am quitting! Am up to 5 and 1/2 weeks no contact!
It feels like a lot longer. I am reading lots, taking your suggestions.
Glad that your hip is ok (beat it without surgery!) thank goodness! I take a bath with Epsom salts, really hot when I have sore muscles sometimes but yours sounds like something other than muscle pain. Yes taking care of oneself is key and something to really learn… want to experience that in a relationship bf I kick it. ha ha. hopefully I will. Love doesn’t come easy huh!
thanks again for your support and your giving self 🙂 I thought of your saying when I was crying in the car earlier today! Love and Light!!! it helped me .It is so perfectly put! that’s right 🙂 cyber hug
Awww Elise 🙂
You sound like such a wonderful person & I hope you truly believe you are & will have that wonderful relationship one day.
Have it with yourself first & then it will arrive & if it doesn’t, it wont’ matter because, you will have yourself which is the truest love ever!
I just read about breaking the attachment etc…Learn to be happy on your own within or without a relationship. Do not pin your happiness on another but, know that if they left, you would miss them but, ultimately you can be happy on your own & you will be fine.
Don’t think, ‘the next job will make me better, the next man will make me happy’ etc…make your own happiness & don’t pin it on external things & people…’if I was skinny I’d be happier’ etc…that’s BS if you aren’t feeling it from the inside 🙂
A lot of people change the ‘outside’ but, inside they are still full of the pain 😦 work from your core literally 🙂
I also read, ‘the person that cares less has the ‘power’ in the relationship’ thereby it’s much easier to dump & run.
Take back your power & learn form this.
The emotional pain is real & can drag on for years but, you decide how long you hurt for & you decide when to let it go. Don’t waste years on it if you don’t need to.
There is no miracle or magic.
It hurts like hell but, know that you are in charge of just how long you want to suffer & then keep going until you find your way through this….it can takes months, a year or more but, you decide how long you let it effect you.
Your fantastic & you just be safe & well & love yourself like ‘crazy’ 🙂
Love & Light Always PR xoxo
I didn’t have Epsom salts & a big rosy bath looked glorious but, just a big slushy mess by the time I ejected myself like a slippery seal over the edge but, my skin was soft like a babies botty! 😉 😉 hahahaha…:)
Hi ya
How is it ?
Having my ups and downs.. Not hearing too much from
the comments on this blog lately is everything alright?
Crazy that all I can read and know and still miss the monster :((
Hiya Elise 🙂
Yes I am still here 🙂
I am not sure why it is so quiet either?
I have been trying to contact Pos but, assume she has her ‘downtime’ away from the site & hope she is well?
I know you still miss the person you cared for as we all do.
The reality of them is very confronting but, nevertheless the ‘truth hurts’. 😦
They use seduction as a tactic of manipulation & play on our need to be valued & we buy it hook line a sinker!
Just hang in there & keep looking inside yourself for your answers.
It’s sad but, you will be okay & you will heal in your own time as you are a unique individual & your gift is yourself 🙂
It was never about you, you did nothing wrong.
Your ability to love even the unlovable is a credit & never a deficit.
True love would never hurt you & his love was never true nor good enough for you, you deserve better & always have 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi fellow DAS posters! Yeah Elise I was wondering the same thing, was my notification faulty? Were other threads being created? Now Pheonix has confirmed my suspicion that the board had gone “silent”.
Is everyone just like me, having recently made the mistake of contact, feeling regretful and oh so stupid? So don’t post, don’t talk about? I wrote Positiva a personal email but she’s had yet to reply. I was sure it was because she’s just engaged in her own battles or daily affairs, but deep down I think is she fed up with me too? I know I can’t tell any friends or family my latest drama with my ex, no one wants to hear because they would be so disappointed in me. I know I have enough disappointment in myself to go around, but no, I knew the day I saw him that I couldn’t tell anyone.
When he gave me the “indecent proposal” to go ahead and keep seeing him on the side while he spends most of his energy cultivating his new, improved & better lover, I was nearly fell on the floor laughing! I was no fool- I knew it would take no time for more pain and anxiety to return- he’s the king at doing. So, crying ( unlike you, Pheonix, I have no problem sharing my tears with him) I hugged him telling him this just won’t work. He said, “wait, sleep on it” and promptly left! I was like, sleep on what?! Me being your doormat once again? Ok- ugh no thanks. I did compose a lengthy email the next night where I started out all light and on a totally different topic and led into my “dear John”. I basically just rehashed all the evil, lies and deceipt that he had laid at my feet- and I told him, almost light heartedly, that he knew the jig was up. He knows what he’s done (even though when you try to discuss it with him, he twists facts, or outright changes the story) so I was sick of it. And him, and he’s gone silent once again.
I still, like Elise, wonder about him, albeit briefly each and every day. Miss him? No. I finally have gotten to the point where his company or the passion between us just ain’t worth the misery. It’s too exhausting, I’d rather be alone. Sure I’m bummed, but bummed because he’s not in my life? No I bummed that I wasted so many tears on the fool, and in turn became HIS fool. Don’t do it Elise! Garner all the wonderful advice on here and just keep at no contact! It really is the cure. You know, they will always come back if you let them, in my case I get bummed the thought that day he does try to contact. But I know now that he missed out on a really good person in me. I think deep down he knows this, but he’s too proud and full of shit to acknowledge! Who wants to be with someone that would be like that? Not me.
Stay strong, be cool and please everyone, write a post! Your friends on here want to hear from you!
Edaldude
“I’d rather be alone”. This is pretty much my motto these days. People look at me like I have horns on my head, who would WANT to be alone? Well, someone who’s addicted to the wrong guy, that’s who!
Who else has said “I’d rather be alone”?
I feel for everyone on this site, whether they are posting or just reading silently. You really aren’t alone. There are people in this world who know exactly what you’re going through and want you to get through it.
Hi PR, Edaldude and Blue,
I feel exactly the same. Thank you for posting. ITs always great to read and hear from you all!! NC for me for now but thank you Edaldude for sharing BC it certainly reminded me like Bunnyshy said “no good will come from it”! I have to believe that real love exists somewhere just have not seen it yet! I read all about the victims that fall for these types and one of the characteristics was wanting love very badly! OH well haha I think everyone does except those empty souls that have practiced becoming evil, empty shells instead for their life’s goal prefer to want to be empty instead! I am going through some real painful family issues and hoping for a happier time. Anyway, I thought the same thing about my last 2 postings and certainly hope that Positivagirl is ok (can someone check on her?) or is that inappropriate? I hope you are well and just taking a break Positivagirl and thank you for your wonderful Blog and support!!
Thank you PR again for your support and message! How are you doing??
Hi Elise 🙂
Firstly, Pos is okay & as I guessed just taking a much needed respite etc…
She does this site 24/7 with no financial input so, really needs donations to flow.
If we are to continue having support, we must give it back somehow.
There is a donations area on the site so, if anyone can spare a dime or two?
I have donated in the past & will again soon but, am skint.
Just putting it out there as Positiva won’t ask as, she is truly dedicated to helping without reward.
The fact is, she is not wealthy & her time & effort needs financing 🙂
I cannot find the donation link but, will ask Pos to put it up.
Otherwise you can email her, she gets thousands of comments & emails daily so, a mammoth task that requires true commitment.
Please show your support & give a little if you can?
I am doing well Elise & I know it’s a daily struggle & NC is terribly hard.
You choose how long you stay stuck in the pain of this or you just start feeling it’s time to let it go.
It can take years as your thoughts linger in the ”hurt locker” far longer if you allow them.
Remember that the person that cares least has the Power!
Until you free yourself & find you, a wholehearted soul cannot connect with you.
You need to be wholehearted & open & that’s the true key.
Find yourself before you find someone else. 🙂
I am here & you are not alone 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Hi Blue,
Well said & I totally agree.
I have finally come to accept lonesomeness as a state of mind that you can buy into or make peace with 🙂
I didn’t just get to this point but, rather arrived unceremoniously with a huge thump on the ground on my bottom!
After years of the abusive cycle with my first disordered mind gamer.
I had 19 years with my first abuser & he cycled up & down & pretty much everyday but, I was eventually cut loose.
(he left with a new supply, & is a dead beat Dad!)
I then rebounded into the waiting arms of the Socio for 10 years so, after 29 years of continual push me pull me etc….I think that’s enough for one lifetime.
I feel great to be able to recognize my dysfunction that, was not feeling worthy of better & am dealing with this daily.
It’s a damn shame it took so much to shake me free but, here I am 🙂
I wish others would realize that a true love does not cause you such enormous emotional pain or physical etc…
If only they could release themselves from the one that hurts them the most, they may actually open the door to the one that will treat them with the respect, love & dignity they deserve.
Loneliness is just a state of mind & honestly I was more alone inside both my relationships that I am now.
We have many other relationships that are not ‘romantic’but, just as intimate & loving & I thrive on those.
Even my little dog thinks I’m worth it 😉
Never alone ever if you don’t want to be 🙂 it’s all perception only.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
If you’re like me, you really don’t want to be alone…you just want to be left alone. There is a difference. I haven’t been in the mood to post lately because I’m feeling down. I’ve had numerous rejects from my book. Agents are not interested in sociopaths, or they just don’t understand. I was hoping to get vindication I guess. I have one more opportunity in August with an agent in NYC. I don’t want to get my hopes up though. It did help me to write it out and I don’t regret doing it.
Hi Natalie, I’m sorry you are feeling down, rejection is the number one challenge that any writer faces, and for those of us who have gone through the abuse with a narc or sp we have felt the sting of rejection most harshly, so any further rejection is salt and lemon on the wound. Remember they are simply interested in what will sell, they don’t have a particular belief in whether sociopaths are real or not, or if your pain and experience was real or not, their only concern is what will fly off the shelf. So try not to take it personally, although deep down I’m sure nearly every writer does.
I think the “I’d rather be alone” is short form for “I’d rather be alone than go through the pain and stress of being with someone like them.” At least, that’s what it means when I say it. It’s a choice to have a lonely day here and there vs a lifetime of stress every day, even on the good days I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The key for me is freedom, absolutely freedom to be myself and never worry about someone else’s opinion or tip toe around their moods.
Thanks Blue,
It’s a rainy day and I am just feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to be sixty years old this August and I really feel cheated. I wasted the last four years chasing a dream. You’re right about the story. It’s not flying off the shelves, but I’ll deal. Thanks again for your encouraging words. You don’t know how much it means to me.
Hi Natalie 😃
Please don’t be disappointed re your book.
I think its amazing that you wrote one, weldone you😃
Just having a memoir of your journey is such a great credit to you & I know someone if not many, will read it & gain strength & healing/knowledge & probably change their life for the better.
You know it only took one post here to set me off on my healing path so, I imagine your book will do this for someone also.
Just be proud you got your story down on paper as thats a huge task especially when it is so personal.
I will try & get a copy? Is it on Amazon?
I think your amazing & keep writing & sharing etc…it will always be needed.
Love PR xxx
Again, thank you for the encouragement. I’m not sure my book will help anyone heal, but it will lead them to get help. I did not find this website until the end of my book, when I was editing. Yes, the book is on amazon, but I’m not trying to plug it on this site. I really need this site to guide me in my healing journey. Sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I’m mad, but I’m getting more optimistic about it all. 🙂
Oh Eda 🙂
We don’t judge you & please know we get how hard it is to set yourself free & only you can do this for yourself when you are ready.
Don’t beat yourself up for ‘going one more round'”sheesh, I was punch drunk after so so many rounds that it took the big KO (knock out) to finally get me out of the ring….so too speak…no pun intended hahaha 😉
*A funny story to hopefully make you smile 😉
Last year just about a week after I had my Socio revealed etc…I was at a funeral for a loved one :(….it gets better 😉
My gorgeous Mother B was with my brother & I when she suddenly says,
”Oh there’s Freddie” her cousin as, she rushes or shuffles off over to him. We were in a garden cemetery so, over grave sites she flew!
We couldn’t see him?
Back she comes all red faced.
“That’s wasn’t Freddie!”…Over comes the man….Freddie is dinky dye Australian Or Oz-tra-leon! with snow white hair…Mum has just bear hugged (she’s tiny) a European gentleman with a thick accent & dark hair!!!
OMG….B is a graveyard granny/pappy grabber! 🙂
Oh & after that mistake & many giggles like a schoolgirl, she did it again!!
We were onto her so, I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper & told her to just slip it in the next guys pocket!
Hahaha she was horrified….Freddie indeed, blind Freddie could see she was on the prowl 😉
Actually, I have started looking at the funeral notices as my Socio liked to pick up widows etc…I might try my luck!
Just kidding :)…..
PR xoxo
Ahh PR- leave it to you to take up the slack when Pos is, well, what ever she’s doing. Like I said, I sent her email, but she must be really distracted! No worries, we know she’ll be back! And yes, get that link for her site- I would love to send some support ( and offered before, you’re right, she declined)! She must take maintenance fees!
Well, I am on my first week, once again of NC. It seems like a longer time, like time has gone in slow mo as it seems much longer then just a stinking week! I feel better already, though- my companion, a mean but cute calico cat, Tellie! LOL- thank god for our furry friends! They give us the unconditional support we could only dream of from a human, I think sometimes. No I know, some people do find, befriend, and stay together with truly wonderful souls, but it seems so rare. Or Hollywood made it seem so much more available then it really is? Funny, I am watching “The Love Boat” episodes from yore, hadn’t seen since I was a kid and now the stories are so lame, so contrived- but you know they still are comforting, not only because that show was produced while still a lot of famous actors of yore were still alive and it was great to see them, old familiar faces AND because you can (for a few minutes) get into the story and pretend! And damn, the men were so much sexier with all that hair back then! What’s up with all the “birdsnest” hair now? or worse~ shaved heads, so common? Why did men become so anti-hair? LOL Ughhh
Well anyway, YES! I remember your stories, all the shit you went through for so long! But I feel stupid because I know all this stuff but still fall for such easy lies from ex-poo. Why can’t we learn from y’alls mistakes? Why must we bang our heads against the walls for our own pain, once again? I don’t get it, terribly maddening. But, like you say, I don’t beat myself up too much- I just don’t tell anyone but you guys about. It’s very disturbing to admit to anyone who knows me, and trust me, I already have issues there! No, thanks for your gentle words, kindred spirit, and infinite wisdom/patience! Like Blue, Elise, and the rest, I know it helps to hear from everyone- even if it’s just a quick note. I am glad my email box has some messages lately!
Cheers everyone!
Edaldude
Blue, so true, true blue statement! HA Yes, no one certainly wouldn’t give the chance to be with an adoring, supportive partner ( what’s THAT?) and we all know the thrill of being in love is not forgotten. It is like they say, you have to love yourself 1rst before attempting love with others. I know I have issues with myself ( self esteem, looks, etc) and it drags one down. I know I am pretty damned with it, though, especially considering some of the whackos I know in relationships! I know offer a lot, and a lot of myself. I think we all do or we wouldn’t be so passionate and ease of sharing our thoughts on these boards.
I get a thrill just from cyber meeting new people online ( I ditched Match- yawn!) but there’s so many others. I haven’t gotten any dates, but you have to be patient. Love comes in its own time, as they say. I know I can’t fill the void by obsessing, but I think there’s a balance. We all just have to hang in there and know that each day is a gift and we will all experience wonderful things, some bad things too, but still.
Peace & Hang in there!
Edaldude
Im posting cuz I need help from you guys…I’ve been on site for almost a year never posting. Watching my life fall lower than I’ve ever thought possible. No one to blame but me. I’ve been NC 14 mos. Got worse not better. Bad, bad devalue phase but worse ruin & smear campaign.(moved 6 blks away with new recruits+ minions) Left me in a world of poverty, and crime knowing I’d get eaten alive. Now im homeless after working all my life n arrested for a pipe didn’t know was in my truck that I let everyone use.still I hung these “friends” thought they liked me. Nope, just used me cuz im too nice, always giving folks the benefit of the doubt. Always trying to help. Not alot of hope for future at almost 60! Yes, I didn’t ever have much love or even know what real love is but NEVER met anyone like him.