Tag Archives: cheater

Guest Post: Phoenix rising experience of dating a sociopath narcissist and year visiting this site

Many people think that this site is run by two people. Myself and PR (Phoenix Rising), this isn’t true, as it is my site, but PR has been an incredible help and support in the last year, always trying to be on hand offering humour, wisdom, compassion and lifted spirits to those who visit this site, and were sometimes broken. She has helped me so much, and kept this site alive, especially during times when I could not be here myself.

Over the year she has not only offered support to readers of this site, but away from the site, to me too. For this, I am incredibly grateful. I know that a while ago, she had wanted to write her story, she sent it by email, and I think it ran to 13,000 words 🙂 🙂 of course, I had asked her to write a post – not a mini book, so I couldn’t post it. Anyway, I asked if she could do me a guest post, as I know that she has offered so much help, and support to people of this site (including me too). From me, thank you always for your hard work at this site, for your continued humour, and sunshine that you bring, not only to me, but to many who visit this site.

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It’s been nearly 12 months since I first found this amazing site DAS & Postivagirl.

Most know me as PR or as Lyss recently pointed out Pheonix (spelt incorrectly) Rising…like dough 😉
As I explained in a responding comment, the error was unintended initially but, I couldn’t change it & always thought of it as yet another message from above. (‘As Above, So Below’)
PHE-ON-IX 😉
Pee-On-Ex….that works for me.
If dogs can Pee on it, Kick dirt on it & Leave that s#*t behind so can I 🙂
I ran the gauntlet via this site as each new post came up, I was actually living it simultaneously as it unfolded.
Pos was posting & I was living it right in that moment.
I got spooked & thought she was in my head, I looked over my shoulder more than once I assure you 😉
Funny thing was she ended up in my heart 🙂
Pos had started writing a few months earlier so, I missed the first couple of posts.
If you don’t know my story it’s back under old comments June 14th 2013 if your interested?
Snapshot is, 10 years with a disordered mind & pathological liar….it was the now knowing that really floored me!
I literally had NO IDEA, none…zippo!
I was draped in ‘Red Flags with a matching pair of shoes & handbag & yes, even the lippy! 🙂
Red looks good on me, he told me so!!!!
‘Paint your nails Red, wear that Red coat/dress/shoes etc….here, try this flag on for size!’ ‘Looks Fabulous On You!’…
I obviously missed the ‘NO CONTACT’ post!
Yes, I made the fatal mistake of ‘letting him have it’, with all guns blazing & looked totally ‘psychedelic’.
Yep I was off with the pixies & over that Rainbow, after the Witch & the flying monkeys, loopy la la crazy! 🙂
Like a Volcano, I erupted & spewed forth my revenge!
Mount Etna would’ve been jealous.
Oh a woman scorned, hell hath no fury & I was FURIOUS to say the least!
Do I regret this?
To be honest No.
It was something I had to do for me but, my experience was my own & it was my choice besides, I had aligned with the OW & thought we were ‘taking him down once & for all!’….(Alas, he was stronger than her but, I wish her well, she is me after-all in another skin!)
Would I recommend making contact?
NO, NO…know thyself first!
My warning came too late but, heed this wise advice from Positiva….the NO CONTACT it the only way through & out with your dignity & self intact.
Why?
Because, at the end of the day, you are dealing with something far bigger than just your Sociopath/Narcissist.
You are dealing with YOU. 
Quite frankly, they really aren’t worth the time & energy but, YOU are.
Invest that Energy back into yourself if you can? You are worth investing in & always have been, what do you think attracted them in the first place….YOU& your Positive Eenergy 🙂
You are free & you get to choose which way this ends, Happy or Sad, Good or Bad, Smart or Dumb.
Whatever label we pin on the Abuser (Perpetrator), doesn’t really matter as, it’s the behavior each of them demonstrates that matters most. It’s what unites us & what we despise about their behavior & intentions isn’t it?
This is after-all the reason why we are left reeling.
It’s their actions, they speak volumes & acting is their forte! So is talking BS, non-stop!
They work at making you accept the unacceptable & they do this systematically & routinely & devastatingly accurate!
If we were actual archery targets, the first arrow is straight through the head, the second through the heart & then just lots of arrows all over our souls 😦 Hmmm, I love an analogy & that’s an original PR 🙂
Abuse is not acceptable ever, full stop….!!!!
If you truly love a person, you don’t deliberately hurt them, not knowingly or deliberately or as a means to an end or for your entertainment, self delusion or self entitlement, it’s not all about YOU the perpetrator/Socio/Narc/whatever, it’s about US…the word is US….NO E!  ( another original PR ism 😉
We use things, not people.
You don’t use the excuse of being abused & pay it forward etc…you seek help if that’s how you perceive life. Don’t condone ABUSE.
You don’t act in a contradictory way. You don’t pretend to be someone your not, full stop.
You don’t lie, cheat, game & discard. we are people & we all deserve the best & nothing less.
You don’t physically harm or mentally play a game with a loved ones mind or anyone’s mind for that matter.
Emotional/Physical/Spiritual Abuse is cruel & sadistic & should never be tolerated, ever!
Do not accept the unacceptable behavior & take responsibility for yourself & don’t allow it.
How?
I think I came through life not actually ever considering & adhering to my core beliefs for many reasons. We all come from different backgrounds/upbringing/life experiences/intellect etc…yet we all fall into the ‘trap’.
I was a mess of emotions, a basket case, like a shattered mirror.
Piece by piece I had to pick myself up.
Piece by piece Pos & others here & elsewhere helped me. THANK YOU ALL.
I actually know that if I hadn’t,found this site my healing would not have been as productive.
I did the whole process of cycling through each emotion of grief/shock/disbelief/ruminating/obsessing/therapy/meds/questioning/researching/drowning/lifeless/procrastinating/crazy/
accepting/healing.
Healing (always ongoing).
Never had I ever done this before &, I have had huge life events take place but, this one was different.
It went deep into the core of me.
Why?
I realized that every value I had, had been betrayed.
Each & every single one of them.
Here’s a list & I’m sure you can add to it yourself;
  • Dependable – I thought he was dependable as I am.
  • Reliable – I thought he was reliable as I am.
  • Loyal – I thought he was loyal as I am.
  • Committed – I thought he was committed, I was.
  • Open-minded – I thought he was open-minded, I am.
  • Consistent – I thought he was consist ant, I am
  • Honest – I thought he was honest, I am.
  • Positive – I thought he was positive, I am.
  • Optimistic – I thought he was optimistic, I am.
  • Inspiring – I thought he was inspiring, I am.
  • Passionate – I thought he was passionate, I am.
  • Respectful – I thought he was respectful, I am.
  • Courageous –  I thought he was courageous, I am.
  • Educated – I thought he was educated, I am.
  • Respected – I thought he was respected, I am.
  • Loving – I thought he was loving, I am.
  • Nurturing – I thought he was nurturing, I am.
  • Protective – I thought he was protective, I am.
  • Empathy – I thought he had empathy, I do.
  • Compassionate – I thought he was compassionate, I am.
  • Integrity – I thought he had integrity, I do.
  • Values – I thought he had values, I do.
So, you see, I AM & I WAS & I DO still have all these values but, I put my faith in another & he let me down ‘BIG TIME’, the ultimate betrayer of faith in another & that’s why is so devastating because it’s done by those with an AGENDA all their OWN.
 
What did I learn from this whole experience you ask?
I learnt the WHY, HOW & THE REASON from & for the experience.
 
I had forgotten WHO I AM but, due to  this experience I have remembered.
I have redefined myself & my values & core beliefs.
I have re-established healthy boundaries & become aware of my interactions, personally/physically & spiritually.
I AM truly GRATEFUL & I have FORGIVEN MYSELF & allowed this forgiveness to flow to my ‘perpetrator’, not to condone but, to set myself free of the betrayal….I have accepted that he does what he does because, that is his nature, not mine. 
 
Thank you is not nearly enough when something as simple as the sharing of a story, can save your life & sanity.
I am grateful I found DAS & will always be indebted to Pos for taking her valuable time to share herself.
That’s a true & unique gift, of oneself.
 
It’s what sent us all here in search of, someone like ME. 
It’s the GIFT that keeps giving & we gave away far too much so, time to take back your POWER.
Pay it forward, share, support but, mainly VALUE your journey, all of it….It is yours, you own it & you define it.
Don’t let it define you, you are unique, you are multi-faceted & dimensional.
You are ‘Real’, not a forgery, not an illusion, not a liar, your extraordinarily YOU!
 
‘Happiness is not a Destination, it’s a way of Life’….strive to be happy daily, even moments are enough at first, stockpile them, not pain.
I AM ENOUGH & SO ARE YOU, remember that 🙂 
Must dash – – – – get it! 
Hahaha….my dough has risen, time to bake me some bread, with lashings of butter & honey…Yummy 🙂
 
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo