People will wonder, ‘why don’t you just leave?’ If somebody is that bad, they wonder, why are you ‘still in love?’.
It really makes no sense to them.
The truth is that you have been emotionally abused. Sociopathic control is unlike anything I have ever experienced. It has taken me a long time to heal and recover.
I was reading emails sent through the site, and realised a common thread from emails sent by many of you.
- I feel like I am losing my mind
- I am experiencing so much anxiety
- I have almost been pushed to suicide
- Why do I still yearn for this person?
- Why and how could he/she treat me this way, when all I was to them was kind?
- I don’t know who I am anymore?
- I have been ruined, destroyed,
The majority, if not all emails, are written by people who have been left absolutely broken and shattered by your experiences.
This was me too
- I questioned my own mental health
- I thought I was losing my mind
- I experienced panic attacks that were almost daily
- I felt ‘frozen’ what if he came back?
- The way that I was treated left me with low self esteem. So much so that I struggled to even write this blog. I stopped writing.
Confusion for the victim, and duality of nature of the psycho
Your friends and family will not understand. As likely you would have talked to them when things were bad for you. Not being a ‘normal’ person, the psycho enjoys the game. They enjoy the push and pull. Because they are CONTROLLING. They love to be in control. Being controlling, they love to also control your relationships with others. If they can isolate you from others, well, all the better. This would mean that they could wield even more control over you.
Unlike the narcissist, who thrives on attention, and likes to put you down to make themselves feel better. The sociopath is all about control. Control can come in many guises, it can be ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
You don’t expect someone who is very bad for you, or controlling you, to focus on making you happy. But the sociopath can do exactly this. They groom their victims. We quite often talk about the negative side of emotional abuse, but Socio/Psychopathy goes one further. It is all about the control. They can
- Make you laugh
- Be your best friend
- Be helpful and useful
- Be a listening ear
- Go on exciting adventures with you
- Be smart, intelligent and seem worldly wise
- Moralistic, and appearing to have similar values to you
I know, the above does not sound like abusive behaviour. This is what you want and need from a ‘good’ and ‘healthy’ relationship. Mix this behaviour up with –
- Pathological lying
- Manipulative behaviour
- Lack of empathy, guilt, remorse or shame
- Being demanding
- Creator of drama
- Isolation techniques
- Crazy making behaviour/gaslighting
- Threats, harassment, stalking, hacking and snooping
- Sometimes theft, infidelity, any kind of behaviour that displays zero remorse, guilt or shame
- UNBELIEVABLE things that happen, that make you question your sanity, or feel like you are living in a film. This can’t be real, to explain it to others who have not experienced the same, can make YOU appear to be a liar. After all, surely this could not have happened. You can’t be THAT stupid. You can almost feel stupid trying to explain what has happened.
Do you recognise this? This is what is called duality of nature. One side ‘the good’ is manipulative behaviour to groom and keep you under their control (so you will not run off with anybody else, or detect their true nature/intentions), the other side ‘the bad’ is who they really are under the surface.
Yearning for the person who has been abusing you
Reading the above, can you see how, until you have broken free and regained yourself, fully healed and recovered, how and why you continue to yearn for the person who abused you?
You are not yearning for the bad. You are yearning for the lie. It can be difficult for the brain to accept that you have been duped and conned. Likely you have not experienced anything like this in your life. Even your own conscious struggles to take it all in.
It is therefore far easier for your brain to process and accept what you DO KNOW. As human beings, we are ‘mostly’ if we are decent people, empathetic. We look for people who appear to be ‘just like us’. We look for the decent, moral people. We look for those who have similar life goals. We try to learn from our past mistakes, and ensure that we do not repeat those mistakes in the future.
The sociopath plays on the behaviour of normal people, and actually thinks you are fairly stupid not to see through them. In their heads, you actually deserve it, for being so stupid. You are of course, NOT stupid. You are normal. Normal people do not go around hurting, duping and conning others. Normal people do not use others as a game, or a toy. Normal people do not use others as their career option (not all do this, see the book by Robert Hare Snakes in Suits, When Psychopaths go to work).
You, therefore, will look for what YOU know and understand to be normal. While at the same time, looking out for what you have learned in past lessons. I do not believe that there are any past lessons that could fully prepare you for a sociopath.
Please do not blame yourself.
How can I ever bring this to an end?
As you will see from the front cover of this site. I placed a survey to ask who you are? Why are you visiting this site? Over 4,000 of you have responded so far. The biggest group over a thousand of you, were from people who had gotten out of the relationship, and the sociopath is still lurking around. The next biggest group, of over a thousand, was of people who had recently been abandoned and are just learning the truth. Likely the sociopath will turn back up (Not always but often), placing you into the top category. So, if this is you. You are in good company.
This was also me, when I began writing this website, and continued to write this website, for many years. If I hadn’t had the self esteem kicked out of me. I would have continued to write, as I knew, that I was writing to people ‘just like me’.
You can bring it to an end. It takes time. Sociopaths end relationships on their terms, when they are ready. Even courts, and police struggle to stop it. And involving legal services, can see you in further trouble, they are the liars remember? And they WILL lie about you, to portray you in a bad light. Even when you have done nothing at all wrong.
This behaviour, can lead to victim ‘freezing’, living in a constant state of fear and anxiety.
When you continue to live in a constant state of fear and anxiety, the sociopath still has full control of both you, and your life. Even if they are not in it.
It takes time. Seriously for me, in desperation, one day I prayed to whoever runs this universe. PLEASE remove him from my life. Within 2 weeks he had left my city. We no longer have contact, and he does not know where I live to show up at my home shouting, hollering or yelling. He no longer has control over me, or my life.
No contact did not work. No contact made the threats, harassment, stalking, snooping, everything else much much worse. When he could no longer control me, he controlled what others thought about me. By going no contact, if the sociopath still has access to your social network or anything else, they will do all that they can to control what others think about you.
So how do you do it?
- Be dull and boring
- Let yourself go
- If you give no response, they will eventually become bored, but give just enough so that they do not go full blown into controlling what other people think about you.
- Remember that they enjoy the ‘cat and mouse’ so refuse to play the game. Eventually they will need someone else who will and can play the game. An innocent victim. Essentially, like a cat playing with a mouse, play dead….. I think this is what ‘freezing’ is. We are playing dead, but continuing to live in fear in case, if and when they return.
- Do not believe the ‘sorry’ and ‘I have changed’ etc etc… to lure you back in. The outcome will ALWAYS be the same.
- I don’t think you can just ignore a sociopath, if they do not want to be ignored. Unless you live somewhere they do not know where you are, do not know where you live, and have no access to anything in your world to damage/harm. You have to manage – and eventually slowly, very slowly they do vanish…..
No longer living in fear/anxiety – self esteem
For me, as I read your emails. I see the comments come in. As I realise that this blog is still thriving, many years after I wrote any decent content. People who ask for my help. Those who share their stories with me. It still means a lot to me. That my own experiences have helped you. I realise, that this work is important. It was not only important to you, it was important to me too.
I am reading through your emails (datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk). I will reply to as many as I can. I know a lot of you have asked to work with me. I will prioritise those most in need. I will not be working alone in the future. I have some people who are going to work with me. People that I trust. One has published a book about being involved with a psychopath. Her story is so similar to mine. We could have almost been with the same person. Both of us believe that we met for a reason. She lives not too far from me. We have forged a good friendship. I guess she is smart, as she just graduated from her degree with a first class honours degree. She enjoys writing, just like me. Other people who are going to help, work in IT and have great ideas for the evolvement of this site, this is unique, and as far as I know, has not been done previously, it should help to provide an improved and professional service to you. I also trust these people. But, I will not say further about this yet. I read recently ‘never disclose your next step’.
After all, we know …. after all that you have been through, you need people around you that you can trust. First of all. You need to learn to trust yourself. If you are really struggling, ask, shout out to the universe, for help. The right people will come towards you, when you are ready for that next step. Even if it is people online. Just one step at a time. One day at a time. Focus on now. Right now. For this is all that we have in this crazy world. Is right now. If we focus on making right now, today great, we can focus on making the rest of our lives happy.
One step. One day – at a time.
Nikki
Dating a Sociopath 
Absolutely it took me awhile to heal and recover completely the key is this, you must honestly look in the mirror and realize this perso. Is incapable of love that you are fixated on.No matter what you do they will never change and things will never get better with them only worse, let go of what is poisoning before it kills you l did and so can you.
You are so right John, and poisoning you, is exactly what they do. I remember going from being able to write, being creative, to not being able to string a coherent sentence together. It has been a long time since I have been free. Years. But it has taken me that time to heal and recover.
Why are there not more experienced psychologist’ s out there to help?
This is sad. I feel I went through satanic ritual abuse and his sins were covered. He is a big time religious Jesus person but I feel the discard showed him to belong to satan. It’s like you experience the wrath of the devil trying to leave.
Stephanie that sounds horrendous to experience. Also must have been incredibly frightening.
It has been 2 and a half months since discarId and one 2 day relapse. I am done. I am feeling better and happy to have my own life and an end to the drama and ghosting and craziness. I don’t care what he is doing, I don’t want him back.. My health has improved and i am getting fit and thinner. Occasionally i meet someone for a date from a dating site. One guy jerked me around, and i dumped him immediately. I am 62, so finding a man at this age who is not entirely worn out and or a mess is nearly impossible. Guess what? Who cares. I have me to love and i get to choose what i want to do. I have always been very independent and travelled alone and lived by myself and i love it. If a guy gets me in the future, he would have to be pretty special. I will be on red alert for the narcissist/sociopath signs, and i will give no second chances.
Positive Girl….remember me?
You are very good at your work, and I’m asking if you would attend the 2018 Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Convention (NYC) and be a speaker.
Information on website: http://narcissisticawareness.com/index.html
Of course i remember you Andrew. Only thing is I am in England.
I have read so much about narcissistic abuse but have been looking for sociopathic abuse, there is a difference and I see that you have experienced it. Do you do councelling?
I can work with people 1-1 via Skype Skye. Sociopathic is quite different and can hit the victim so hard, as it can be very hidden. You might see to your face, a wonderful person and have absolutely no idea of the truth. Until it is too late, and your life is ruined. Many victims can really struggle with the duality of nature and of who the person was that they were in love with.
no one commented on my post?
I am going through 1500 comments at the moment Mary. Apologies.
I pray and thank God every day that He opened my eyes and gave me an answer when I needed one the most. I was struggling to divorce my husband of only two years and since I am a Christian, it was gut wrenching for me to file for divorce, especially since I was still “in love” with the man I thought was my husband. We were divorced in June of 2016. I filed for divorce in November of 2014…that was how long I had to fight him for a divorce. He spread lies to my family to turn them against me, he stole from me including my computer so he could keep up with everything I had saved on my computer. He told my daughter and son in law how I had “many many men behind his back”, while he was the one who had been texting, meeting with, and seeing other women during our marriage. I still struggle daily NOT to want him back, NOT to believe he was a bad man, and NOT to contact him. After all of this time, I still miss those moments I thought were so special and things he told me that made me think he loved me so very much. He would leave me fresh fruit he cut up in my refrigerator for me every morning, with a silly rhyming note he wrote about how much he loved me. My mind still fights with itself every day in how could he be soooo good to me and do the things he did behind my back when I trusted him implicitly. The only reason I have not tried to go back to him is because of sites like yours that tell me over and over…”you can never go back because they lose even more respect for you and next time they will treat you even worse”. So very sad and heartbreaking…
Aw Vicki, big hugs to you. I felt your heart writing this. I really get it. I have been there too. Even today, years later. I remember those ‘times’. That I thought were the good times, the fun times. But in reality, hardly a day would go by without drama. I lived in a constant state of anxiety. I had to live ‘on guard’ for the next damage that was done to me. I think our brains are programmed to remember the good. To look back with rose coloured glasses. But – they have a duality of nature. If only we could have had the good, I wouldn’t say without the bad, as that is not realistic. But the good was abnormally good, and the bad was hell. One day at a time. One step at a time. I think healing is also about healing damage that was done to you, your life, your friendships, family and any other damage done to you.
You are right. You can never go back. Not ever. The outcome would always be the same.
Brilliant article that sums up everything perfectly. I feel stupid when I tell my story. People ask me why was I so gullible. My psychologist asked me why I did not see the red flag. I was in a sea of red flags but just waded through them.
I really did want to see the good in her but was slowly being destroyed.
It’s been 3 months without contact. She blocked most of the social media sites (her control).
Her current victim is someone who overlapped us by about 5 months (we were not actually in a relationship then but going through a push-pull relationship.
I dread running into her. We live in a very small country so it’s inevitable. She still has a flat in the same block same but now spends most of the time at his place.
I know it’s all about time. As he overlapped me I still feel a bit raw and feel that heeling will quicken when she moves onto her next victim which effectively moves me further away from her (and breaks the direct tie to her current relationship).
Thanks for the articles. I read them every day… It gives me a sense of freedom and relief…..
Your articles are bang on. You are excellent at articulating their behaviour patterns.
Thank you heartfelt.
For me, it is about his Dr. Jeykell /Mr. Hyde personality. I want the person who appeared to be nice and loving, not the monster who eventually took over this guys mind. Of course, as a close friend reminded me, it will always come out the same if i take him back. And, this is true and i have experienced this 5 times already. So, i am trying to maintain NC – but i see him on the dating site and i think he hasn’t found anyone yet and maybe he will come back. Right, for more of the same so i can suffer again. I think i need to see my suffering through without further reminders of who he is by not having contact or letting him come back I am maintaining NC. I just don’t know why it is taking me so long to let him go?
Mary, I totally feel your pain. Why was it so hard to let go? Where did the loving, fun, attentive person go? It was so hard to me to believe that this cold, cruel, empty horrible person was really him! As time went on, that person was further and further away. He NEVER put the energy back into it. He slowly and slowly got worse and worse.
You will NEVER see that guy again. Because he didn’t exist.
One thing I try to focus on is the ACTIONS and not the WORDS. He was a lot of talk, but didn’t DO anything nice for me. What he did DO were horrible, hurtful things. (On top of that, he really got off when i was hurting. Hurting me made him HAPPY.) THAT helps my brain sort out the difference between who he really is, and the fantasy he tried to sell me that was nothing but a lie.
I realized, that guy I thought he was in the beginning? The one I fell in love with? THAT GUY never. ever. existed. EVER.
Over the last 1.5 years, I have broken NC three times. Only to be chewed up and spit out again. I’m really done now. And I feel nothing for him. But I remember when I was in the thick of my misery, thinking, WHEN am I going to move ON from this????
You will. 100% you will. The more you practice NC, the easier it gets. The more you focus on you, your wellness, your happiness, the easier NC gets. You have friends you mention. Start spending more time with them. Don’t spend 2 hours with your friends talking about the Soc. Do something else with them that is enjoyable. I forced myself to stop talking about the Soc with other people.
I was dying inside, but i forced myself to purposely stop talking or thinking about him. It was hard, because I was in so much pain. But it started becoming a relief to focus on other people and other topics than the hell I’d just been through.
It starts becoming habit not to think about him and it starts to get easier and easier. Your life has been working through this. That took all your time and energy. Now take small steps to make something else your priority in life. Even if its just, maybe I’ll paint my nails today, or read a book, or go for a walk.
Small things. Start with one. Then add in more. You need to train your brain to focus on different routines. THAT will help you get over this and move on.
I found just being AROUND positive people helped me move on. I was so beaten down and such a shell of a person in the end, I would purposely go to stores where I knew employees were friendly just for the relief of someone being NICE to me. Even if it was just to smile at me and tell me to have a nice day.
Now I am the person who makes other people’s days nicer!
Positive girl. Read all. So on point. 6 months NC. Will never go back. But how do I continue to heal sbd recover.when the main supply lives literally 8 minutes from me. I cant and won’t move. Thank you.
This is a tough one Buttafly. Well done for 6 months no contact. You are doing wonderfully well. However, true no contact is difficult when he lives so close. I assume that you see him around visiting his main supply?
Your website is really like a God Hand to me..i am struggle now to release my self from my sociopath affair. I have relation with him for 8 years but i just know he is sociopath since 3 years ago..when i started to feel something was not right and start searching. There is not many infos in my languange (indonesia) so i search in english and found your website.
My life now like a hell..me and also my kids feels not secure. i have went to police but because there is no “real” threaten yet(physical abuse proof) and i am in affair..they said there is nothing they can do.
I did not know before there are people like them..but at least my doughter now have knowledge about this person n i hope with her knowledge she will never experience relation with this evil
Thank you for make me strong and make me sure that i can be free
Hi Rita, welcome to the site. Are you still with him? I am thinking from your message that you are?
Hello Positivagirl…
Have you finished considering speaking at the 2018 Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Convention (NYC) next year?
You will be a great asset to the awareness movement.
Your travel expense and honorarium will be compensated along with the other therapist speaking.
http://narcissisticawareness.com/purchase-tickets.html
Hi thank you. I am flattered by your invitation. However I am in UK, England. I am sure that travel expenses from the UK, would likely be cost prohibative, and unfortunately I do not have funds to cover travel, as much as I would love to go to USA.
As I have stated, your travel expenses would be covered by the convention’s committee and you would be compensated with an honorarium.
The reason why I’m asking you to attend is because YOU have opened my eyes to narcissism with your article and I’m certain you would open others as well.
If you are reluctant, then I will understand.
Positivgirl I woul love to tell you my story….it may be the worst you’ve heard so far…I am in London…could we meet in a public place…what ive been through may seem unfathomable..im 6wks no contact apart from 4wks ago…1wk blip..my ex sociopath lives 5mins away…
Well done to you for being 6 weeks no contact. I am in Bristol, so too far to meet up. You can share your story though!! It must be tough with him 5 mins away is he still keeping tabs on you?