One question that most victims of psychos ask, or at least contemplate to themselves, while in the relationship, is ‘can they change?’
This isn’t because you have left leave of your senses and want more abuse to come your way. It is more to do with the illusion that is painted at the beginning of the relationship. The Sociopath works very hard to earn your trust. In the beginning is the honeymoon period. They are almost too perfect. There is no tension, no bad, you start making life plans together. You laugh, life is good. You are looking forward to the future.
As they are great at feigning not only being normal, but also being very moralistic about others who are not good people, you almost pinch yourself, just how lucky you are, to have met someone so wonderful. You are not with the person that your partner condemns. The one who is unfaithful, the one who is a bum, who uses others for money. The flirt. The abuser. You know the whole list, this is not your partner. How keen they are to remind you of it too. You stare at each other with cheesy grins. Even if other people do not see what you have. You can see just how special this relationship is
I remember in the beginning, early months. When he was at his most prolific lying and stealing. We were in a bar. There was a girl sat in the bar, staring at her phone. She had her children with her. Wasn’t paying much attention to them. He looked at me, with a look of sadness, nodded towards the girl and said “It really upsets me, when men treat women like that, she looks so sad. My father was like that, treated my mum bad, I could never do that to you, or anybody”
I looked at him, proud. I finally had met a decent man. Who had good morals. Sociopaths are very descriptive, and will do and say just about anything to lead you to believe that they are anything but who they really are.
Then it all goes wrong…..
How it goes wrong, you are not quite sure. You cannot pin point it. What at first appears to be a series of unfortunate events, turns into an extremely run of bad luck. Right at the centre of this, is the kind, caring, loving person. Who you have become very fond of. The one who was there for you. You cannot possibly walk away from them, when they have been there for you. After all, he/she seems, just SO NICE.
This is all part of the Sociopath game.
In normal circumstances you would just walk away. Only…. you have fallen in love with Mr or Mrs Perfect. Although that person is no longer in front of you.You still have memory of the wonderful person that was sold to you, in the beginning. This is the person that you want back. This is the person you love. You haven’t even said goodbye.
When the Sociopath pleas that they will get help. You mean so much to them. They would do just about ANYTHING to make things work.
“I am so sorry, I did not mean to hurt you. You are the love of my life. I don’t want to lose you”.
Playing the game
Now you are sucked into the game. The Sociopath has you right where they want you. Hooked and in love with the false persona that they created, JUST FOR YOU.
They tell you that they have never felt this way before with anyone, but you. This part is partially true. No 1 they do not feel, for anybody but themselves. No 2. They create a different persona for every single person that they are with. What you saw in the very beginning was the real reflection of who YOU ARE.
By now, you might be so upset, you could tell them that you have had enough, that the relationship is over. This is common when you have faced considerable losses. You might feel that you cannot afford to lose anymore. This is a disaster, your life is falling apart.
The sociopath pauses….
“I love you, I don’t want to lose you. Listen, I will prove to you, just how much I love you. I will get counselling, go to therapy. I will go with you, you can see how much I love you, I don’t want to hurt you anymore”
In a flash, in front of you, is the person you fell in love with at beginning. The man or woman that you fell in love with. You know that walking away, is going to hurt you. You want back the person you met in the beginning.
If you are dating a sociopath and in this position now. Or if they are trying to win you back by claiming that they will get help. Quite simply, they are LYING. You are only setting yourself up for further losses. You might think that you will retrieve part of what has been lost, they will claim this too. But again, it only gives further dupers delight and the joy of conning you some more.
There were a number of times that he tried this one on me.The first was way back in 2012. I had just discovered the truth of who he was. I was devastated. I didn’t want to believe it was true. So, he told me that he would get help. He was going to counselling and getting therapy. By now he had been evicted from my house by the police and was now street homeless. A week later he had gained accommodation, and told me that he was starting counselling. Every Tuesday at 1 pm for around 6 weeks he would call me, tell me that he was on his way to his counselling session. Then he told me that his counselor was going to send a questionnaire to me and his exes’s, I would receive it in the post. At this point, I KNEW he was lying. That would not happen. Confidentiality for a start. Rather than admit that he was lying and it was all a game. He turned it around on me, that he was trying his best, and that I did not believe in him or trust him…. it wasn’t long after he just stopped calling me on a Tuesday to go to his sessions. When asked, he simply would reply irritated “Oh don’t start about that again”
I did not think he would try that stunt again. But he did. Again at the end of 2013. Where he claimed to be on the bus on the way for weeks. But he never went.
Again, in 2014. This time I really did believe him. To this day I am unsure if he actually went, or if he just made it up. He told me that the counselor said that it was my fault and that he was the victim. Somehow I do believe that he did go, as he did genuinely from this point seem to think that he was the victim. It didn’t make his behaviour better though, it made it worse. It made his treatment of me worse. When I mentioned that he was treating me worse, he said I was right, blamed the counselor and stopped going.
Don’t fall for it!
If this is you, if you are holding out hope for the love of your life to return. For you to live with the happy thoughts and relationship that you had in the beginning, you need to know that person cannot return for any length of time. This is not who they really are. It was feigned and faked to mirror you. To be the person that you wanted to see. This was done deliberately to use you for whatever it was that they could get from you. They come with an agenda and leave with one too.
Yes there will be change. But it won’t be the change that you want.
- Consistency
- Stability
- Honesty
- Trust
- Loyalty
You have never had these things from the Sociopath. The only time that you THOUGHT you did, it was a lie, and an illusion.
They cannot change. There is currently no medication for Psycho/Sociopathy and therapy only teaches them to be more manipulative. Likely even if they did attend they would use pity play with the therapist and the therapist would believe that they are the victim of you. Caught up in their own lies and screenplay the sociopath can even believe this to be true and use this as a stick to beat you with.
If you want consistency, stability, honesty, trust, and loyalty, the only way to achieve this is to GET AWAY from them. Establish no contact. Stick to it. Work on healing and take it one day at a time.
- Be consistent with yourself
- Find your own stability
- Be really honest with yourself about the situation you are in
- Learn to trust yourself
- Above all, stick with your decisions, be loyal to you.
You cannot change the Sociopath. They cannot even change themselves. But you can change you.
All rights reserved, Copyright, datingasociopath.com 2017
Dating a Sociopath 
Thank you for this post. I need this right about now. I FINALLY got serious about the no contact and BOOM!!! He’s pursuing me in a way that he never has!!! He’s never been possessive about me until I stopped replying to every message he sent me. I want to believe that he wants and loves me but I know it’s a ploy to lure me back just so he can mistreat me all over again!!! I’m determined to leave this guy in my past!! I’ll do whatever it takes to get there. I still love him today but I’ve now realized my happiness and peace is more important than my love for him. I’m so grateful for this site and all of you who support us who are still struggling with this.
Hi Cindy, you are right. Your happiness and peace is is of paramount importance. There are so many men out there Cindy. Some issues can be fixed and with work there can be a good relationship. But with a sociopath, this is not the case. Their brain is wired differently. Life is a game to them. They will repeatedly promise to give you what you want, as they are great at telling you what you want to hear. I want to remind you of this, read this post too. They cycle of abuse. Even IF he lured you in, and you returned to the honeymoon period. It would very quickly move around the abuse wheel, and you would soon be back to square one. Can you remember this being with him? https://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/15/the-cycle-of-abuse-in-a-relationship-with-the-sociopath-or-narcissist/
Only being alone, can you heal. If you don’t take time out to heal (and this might scare you, as you could mistakingly think that he would ‘get over’ you). However he cannot ‘get over’ you. As there is no emotional connection to get over? It is faked remember. Due to this, they often try to come back. So he couldn’t get over you, he would need to be emotionally attached (like you are). Due to this, it is a win win situation for you. To take time out, to heal and recover. Don’t allow him back in. It is like scratching a wound. Each time you scratch you would bleed…. it never heals….
I want you to heal. To live a better life.
I have made no contact with my ex. It has been 6 months. I start feeling better about myself and then I slip backwards. It’s like a bad rollercoaster ride. The logical part of my brain tells me she is a sociopath but my emotional side still wishes it could be like it was in the beginning. What really brothers me is that she has moved on effortlessly. No pain, regrets.
How you are feeling is COMMON Howard. It can take some time 6 months is still early days. It is 2 years for me. I can honestly say that I no longer have those thoughts. Although – I do feel frustration at the damage that was done to me, deliberately and my life.
It does take time. Try as much as you can to focus on gratitude. When you do this you realise that there is nothing that you have to be grateful to her for. What has she brought to your life? Apart from angst and pain? Hang in there, you sound about right for where I was at 6 months too. And many others. Keep taking it one day at a time and don’t go back.
I asked mine to see a counsellor with me in the early days of the split. He said no because I wouldn’t act like myself during it?? I told him I didn’t have the energy to pull my trousers up let alone act any differently. It always confused me as to why he said that but now I know.
He had so many other circles of friends that I didn’t know, I suspect he was a different person/character with all of them. Some were rich, some would gain advantage at work, others would babysit, the list is endless.
I remember once, we were on a waiting list. He smirked and said to leave it to him. The next day we had a place! Always confused me.
Have had 38 years at this. Have lost a 35 year old son in a freak
accident and, one would think that the lady in question would take a look
at her behavior. She has not and has not altered her manner of going
through life. Sociopaths do not change.
To be brief, all of our stories are involved. This one hinges
on a woman claiming pregnancy 5 days after initial coitus in 1978. This
is followed by the phrase of “I’ve had 6 abortions and my father sexually
abused me.”
I’d helped a girl pregnant by another in 1970, took her in, over the
summer until she brought that child to term. A green light to my torturer.
And, it has just been insane with all of the described activities mentioned by all. Name it? Seen it and been through it. Bullying, abuse, stalking does not stop.
There is a plus to my life in that the gal I’ve been with for the last 28 years is a sweetheart and has saved my life.
My son had a child, now 4, and he was my buffer. Lost him. She has
kept on target.
Why are there no individuals who are advocates for victims of
sociopathy? Are there?
I don’t know peter there should be 😦
The key is to keep book on these people. Write it down. Keep they’re negative activities and harm they do to you. Keep rcpts. Keep everything that leans on what they are doing to you. Call the cops. Get it out in the open.
I am for advocates of sociopathic victims. We need to go to bat for one
another. It does not end.
So many do not understand it. As they are so clever, deceptive and manipulative.
Your right we need Real advocates, I think we need to be the voice and talk with legislators and get the freedom and accountability for the abuser to be punished. They smirk believing they will get what they want and and get away with whatever.
Your lucky you found someone, I would love to find a good man.
Thank you, Stephanie. For advocates to exist and assist in deflecting
the sociopath there would have to be a vetted operation or persons to analyse who is doing what for whom and why? Am all for it. How do
we start?
Should there be an independent clearinghouse of abuses, abusers,
and non-named victims?
I have had a 4-year relationship with my ex-boyfriend, which I now believe is a psychopath. There were many conflicts and arguments in our relationship, so our relationship became on and off most of the time. Whenever something goes wrong, I will call it off but I don’t know why I will always end up going back to him after a few days. Last year, I was undergoing the devaluation phase and I opt to leave the relationship, but no contact is impossible since we are studying in the same campus. I was and am still emotionally unstable after leaving him for 5 months. I sought calmness and peace by reading articles about psychopathy online. Initially, the more I read, the more I agree that he’s a psychopath. But nowadays, I start to suspect that I am one too. What is happening to me? Can someone please hep me? I am starting to get more and more depressed when my mind starts to convince myself that I was the psychopath who made the relationship fall apart. Is it because of the fact that my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend now and he seems to be very happy in that relationship?
What makes you think he is a psychopath.
When he was chasing me, he was actually with his ex-girlfriend. I went no-contact with him for 2 years after discovering that from his friend. But during that period of time, he was very persistent in chasing me, sending me wishes and presents on Valentine’s Day, my birthdays and on certain special occasions. I fell for him again thinking that he was very loyal to me. He said that he broke up with the ex-girlfriend, but it wasn’t because of me. We went into a relationship after contacting each other for about 5 months. He constantly flirts with other girls, even in front of me. When I got angry at him and didn’t want to see him, he would sit in front of my house for hours until my parents came back from work. My parents have always tell me that he’s a psycho but I never believe them. Until last year, when he said that we were over, things start to come clear in my mind. I asked to meet up for a talk about our relationship. He kissed me and hugged me. I pushed him away because he was the one who said that we have no relationship. Then he put the blame on me by saying that I pushed him away, which I was doing at that point. I was so confused, I let him continue kissing me. But, after we walked out from the place where we had a private talk, he straight away changed to another person. He told me he doesn’t want to be together. I was utterly speechless. How can he kiss me at one moment and then say that he doesn’t want to be together? After that, whenever he sees a chance (whenever no one is watching), he will bother me, like touching me, pulling my bag and etc. He will just walk away after each and every attempt without saying anything or waiting for my response. I am so sick of his tricks. It seems like he doesn’t want a relationship, but he keeps on provoking my feelings, making it so hard to let go of my love for him.
There are many more things that he has done that hurts me a lot, but I find it very difficult to let go of him. I keep on thinking about how good he used to be, thinking that it’s my fault that the relationship fall apart. Maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I pushed him too hard, maybe I was being ridiculous. These are the thoughts that have always go around my mind, even until now.
Love the post, so well written and I find it hilarious cause by now I’m laughing at how true it all is and what I fool i was. I realised however, there is a weak spot In them, u just gotta figure it out, no matter how cruel it may be, use this to fight back and they will choose to walk away.
I did this and for the first time, he chose to cut communication, usually i would b the one to do that. If it’s too good to be true, it usually is.
I want to thank you for reminding me of this post. You are right. I had lost all of my confidence. But this was written this year in 2017. Thank you for reminding me.