When no contact is feeling impossible and the Sociopath will not leave you alone. Stalking and Harassment.

block-your-ex

If you have read my work, or anybody else’s work, you would know that going NO CONTACT and keeping to the No contact rule is very important for healing and recovery. However, trying to do No contact with a psycho can be difficult if:

  • They don’t want to let you go
  • You have something that they want from you
  • They are waiting for a big payout
  • They want to metaphorically ‘kill you off’

I am unsure if you have children with them, if they can do this? Perhaps you can let me know?

It was valentines day when I saw the above picture. I was looking at some anti valentines pictures for the Facebook page. When I saw it, I laughed so hard. I laughed probably for 20 minutes, as whoever did this, had probably dated a Sociopath.

Retaining ownership possession and control

Sociopaths work hard to groom and control their victims. I will give them that, they don’t just pick up someone off the streets, any person and use them for a bit. Well I guess they could, but a true victim, is chosen deliberately. It is like a KERCHING jackpot moment for them, when they find somebody who would be willing to give them what they want.

It can feel like a special connection when you first meet them. They work hard to:

  • Assess you
  • Groom you
  • Manipulate you
  • Control you
  • Retain you

This is very hard work indeed. I do recall when we split. He was standing outside my house yelling ‘YOU’RE MINE, YOU’RE MINE’ I think he really meant it too. You see when a Sociopath puts all of this into you. In their mind, they actually own you. You are now a part of them. If you try to leave, when they have not decided that they have finished with you. Particularly if there is a bigger prize that they have not yet received (like an awaited inheritance). Trying to go No Contact is going to be HELL.

Getting their own way – the craziness behind the mask of sanity

I remember some people as they read my work in earlier years, going nuts, when I said that I had ‘heard from him’.

Why are you not going no contact? 

Would come yells from the masses. Or at least, it would feel that way. You see, the truth is, I did go no contact. Or at least I tried. The above picture is accurate. Psychos are like a virus, they try to infiltrate and infect every area of your life. There is no hiding. Not if they want to obtain and own you. They will hunt you down. Just like a predator hunts it’s prey. No it is not flattering.

While the post about No Contact is the right way to do it. Today, I can do no contact. He has moved on, and he doesn’t hunt me down anymore. I am today free. It wasn’t always that way. For many years I was in a legal case. The legal case ran on years. He knew that there could be a big settlement for him. In his mind he had worked very hard to

  • Take you
  • Own you
  • Groom you
  • Possess you

You belong to them. Even if they do not want you. They don’t want anyone else to have you.

If I put a block on my phone. Well he could show up at my house. Standing outside shouting and yelling so all the neighbours would hear. Usually this would be also shouting profanities as well marring my character (even if his words were not true – the neighbours do not know that). Shouting would be things like:

  • You slut you whore (you cheated on me – you are immoral)
  • You have committed fraudulent activity (you cannot be trusted – you are dishonest)
  • Moralistic – (You committed some crime)

It would always be scale 10 on terrible behaviour that would destroy your credibility with the neighbours. Who would think that you were somebody you were not. Keen not to upset the neighbours, you finally relent and they get their way.

Infecting your life like a virus

I remember on Sociopath World forum, there was a self proclaimed psycho who called himself ‘virus’. I often thought, and felt, this is exactly how it is.

When you try to do no contact with a psycho who does not want to let you go, they will do ANYTHING to reach you. This is about

  • Keeping the connection
  • Keeping the power
  • Keeping the control
  • Not giving you time to think about anyone else
  • Making sure nobody else gets or wants you

If you don’t have time to think. You don’t have time to escape. Aside from running away, fleeing for your life (a bit drastic as they will eventually move on), the sociopath WILL hunt you down, ANYWAY that they can. If you try to block their number.

It is for this reason that I suggest placing an app on your phone for the calls/texts/messages to go to. By doing this they ‘think’ they are doing the above points. But in reality you get to keep your peace and sanity.

Contacting by phone and showing up at your house is only two of the ways that they will try to harass you. There are many others. These are some of the few I experienced.

  • Messaging you via your eBay account. If you try to block, they make another eBay account. You can report them to eBay which will eventually stop the harassment, but this can take some time. Fortunately, today eBay make it a lot more difficult to set up numerous accounts, due to fraudulent activity.
  • Following you on YouTube, and replying to any comments you have made.
  • If you have a Facebook work page (as I do, to this site), sending a message to the page. This one is slightly more problematic, as you can set up numerous Facebook accounts (I blocked 14 of his Facebook accounts). These were blocked in 2012 alone. I have no idea how many more he had. He would also ‘add’ people to my friends list when we were together, if I left the room. (no you are not paranoid, they do actually do this).
  • Wattsapp messages
  • Viber Messages
  • If you are on a dating site, sending you messages there
  • Making sure that word will get to you, that they are going to phone your employer, your children, your parents
  • If you are members of groups, going there to ‘expose you’. If you are member of  a page for a hobby, interest, activity that you enjoy. Going there to ‘expose you’ – basically tell lies about you, to ruin your reputation.
  • Send mass email messages to your friends and associates, making false claims about you, claiming to be victim. Exposing you for something you have not done. I know mine sent 85 email messages. He copied this and pasted repeatedly over my Facebook wall before I had deleted 14 accounts. He copied and pasted and placed on nights of places that I went to.
  • Confide in somebody that you trust, build a support network. Keeping you isolated is what gave the Sociopath dominance and control over you in the first place.

Anything at all. If you can think of it, or even if you can’t think of it, they will hunt you down to

  • Make false allegations (claim to be victim of you)
  • Expose you for something you have not done
  • Keep you in fear
  • Keep you in a state of anxiety
  • Make you panic
  • Ruin your reputation
  • Isolate you from others
  • Keep you small, minimised, and therefore easier to control

What to do if this is happening to you?

So this is happening to you. You are trying to escape the clutches of earth bound Satan, and your life is getting worse. If you think your life is already falling apart, hell, earth is on fire now.

How you respond to this, really depends on your level of awareness of what is happening to you. By the level of anxiety and fear that this places upon you, hopefully you will know that this is BAD. This not someone who is in LOVE with you.

What is happening to you, is emotional abuse. Where you live will change what your rights are and what you can do about it.

  • Speak to the police. Report it. Keep reporting to the police. Do not correspond with them.
  • Remove whatever it is that they want from you (if you can)
  • Get an injunction order against them to keep them away from you
  • Avoid mutual friends, be aware they will be poisoning that water too
  • Speak to people very close to you. People who love you, if you have those people in your life. Be aware that people will likely make judgements. After all, is it not normal to think ‘no smoke without fire’.  Those who love you will want what is best for you.
  • Get professional therapeutic help
  • If you are religious PRAY (I did this. I prayed to God he would be moved away, he finally moved out of my city, 2 weeks later) After four very long years of hell.

Understand that this will not go on forever. Involving the police might work. But be aware that this could cause them to make false allegations against you. If you have children with them, and have to see them, please see this post as you will need to manage if you cannot escape. Speaking to the police places the relationship between sociopath and the police. Not you.

  • Keep all evidence, you might need it later in a legal case
  • This type of behaviour is stalking and harasment. It is a criminal offence in many countries. Get the law onto your side

Most importantly – BREATH – you are going to be ok. Take deep breaths, know that this will not last forever. Take back your control. You have more power than you realise. They deliberately keep you disempowered, this is just another of their tricks to own, dominate and control you.

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50 thoughts on “When no contact is feeling impossible and the Sociopath will not leave you alone. Stalking and Harassment.”

  1. The guy I was with isn’t stalkerish like this, he’s to conceited and his ego dictates that he doesn’t have to do all that, he can just get another. With that being said, I have FINALLY gotten serious with no contact ( 6 days today) and guess who emails me at 6:00 this morning ” just to say hi”. Normally but heart would be beating out of my chest and I would be so happy that he contacting me ( I mostly initiate contact) but I’m not. I am FINALLY ready to move on. Although he still has space in my heart, I am so tired of being hurt by this guy…. I deserved to be loved, cared for and respected. Life is good right now, I’m sleeping well, my skin is glowing, I’m exercising, eating healthy and focusing on me. I will not reply to that email… if he attempts to contact me again I will ignore those too. I know him, that is about as far as he will go to contact me: a couple emails, texts, then maybe a call ( he never calls me). I’m so sorry for the people who have to endure the stalking… it’s just CRAZY!!

    1. See. I told you. They always bounce back. Almost always its something like that. Or ‘hi how are you?’ Don’t put too much effort in just in case you don’t reply. He probably is coming to an end source of supply.

      1. Carey, I’m not putting any effort into anything with him…. that includes NOT replying to his pathetic email… which read:
        “Hi…. good morning, I just wanted to say hi”. Whatever…. not ME, not EVER AGAIN!!

  2. I had to laugh, positivagirl, at the image. Of course it is not funny and of course you know this happened to me. It is really freaky. Suddenly he messages me on a dating site. Not only did it catch me completely off guard, but he would have had to look through everyone’s pictures to find me. He also read my whole profile because he referred to something at the very end. I was incredulous when I realized it was him (after I responded because I wasn’t paying attention to the sender) and had a massive anxiety attack.

    For the rest of you: if something like this happens, take screen shots (learn how to take them if you don’t know how). They are invaluable for online stalking/contact if you need evidence or to build a case. I went back and took screen shots of our whole conversation and his photos, etc. I then saw that he revisited my profile and probably realized what I had done. The next time I went on there he had changed his pictures so he couldn’t really be seen. I then deactivated my account. This happened one other time but I didn’t put the pieces together. I was away and hadn’t heard from him for weeks so I went on a dating site (we weren’t a couple). Not 24 hours later, he emailed me. I thought at the time that it was coincidence but now I think it wasn’t. In both cases he succeeded in getting me to leave the dating site.

    This post makes me think about the other ways he could find me. He doesn’t have a Facebook but he could easily create a fake one and snoop there. I’m otherwise not on social media much but having now to be aware of everything I post anywhere is disconcerting. Because of my profession, I am all over the internet, and there is nothing I can do about that. But what do I say when professionally someone wants to post a talk I give on YouTube? I have a stalker? I don’t know how to handle this sort of thing…

    What’s ironic is that he has so little real internet presence that no one could possibly stalk him online. What’s also ironic is that when I first met him he told me a long story about a stalker he’d had. This might be the classic accusing someone else of doing what they themselves do.

      1. Just as I lock and double lock my Facebook, including making my email unavailable even to friends, because one can search on a person’s email, I get a friend request from someone with absolutely no connection to me or to any of my friends, fake pictures, and locations the same as mine (where I live, where I am from). I haven’t had a random FB friend request in years. I doubt it’s connected but it’s making me a bit paranoid. Just before he contacted me on the dating site, I told him I was tired of the emailing. On the site he wanted to talk – to have a normal(ish) conversation. But I never responded to his last message. So, no email – try dating site? Trick Facebook friend request?? I’m waiting for a text from an unknown number next.

  3. I just went onto FB and made all of my profile pictures friends only. I think they only changed that recently because my understanding was that profile pictures were public. Not anymore! So another tip – lock down your FB as much as you can – use the “view as” feature to view as public and see what can be seen.

    1. Check your friends list as well. To make sure you dont have ‘friends’ you don’t know on there. Believe me when you are together they are quite capable of adding one of their fake accounts as a friend while you are in the shower!

      1. I sent that image to a friend because I thought it was so horribly funny!

        He’s never gotten anywhere near my computer or phone but I checked all friends yesterday too because I occasionally friend people I don’t know. Really I prided myself on my electronic wits but in the end I’m not all that!!

  4. Sociopaths will do ANYTHING. Put nothing past them!!! Mine tried every conceivable website that I’ve ever been on and made up fake names to try to contact me including dating sites. He even sent emails with tracers in them. I can’t remember the exact thing to look for, but it’s an email address with an extra “string” to the end of his email address. I’m certain he was also tracking my home computer. Luckily, the week after I kicked him out I needed a new server/modem and I had my internet company change it all out. I have never had a facebook account but I think facebook is nearly impossible to go completey private based on a friend’s situation with her sociopath. Sociopaths are smart and very tech savvy. They are like slime and they slink into every crevice of your life. He knows how to come up with “fake” phone numbers and has tried to contact me using them. I still get the random weird text or call. I just block and move on. He actually made it very easy for me to go no contact. After I realized how sneaky he was I just removed myself from the web completely. I never open any email/text that I don’t recognize. He actually went through my files at home and started sending emails to my old never used addresses and commenting on the ones he read from my friends YEARS ago. He made it easy to completely cut him out because I’m winning this time. 🙂 And I’m hard headed, 🙂 And I see now that he is nothing but an evil weasel good for nothing. BAD BAD BAD person. The complete opposite of what I want in a man. The complete opposite of what I see as a good person. Downright dangerous. I could talk for days about his sneakiness and what all he’s done. But it was an eye opener. Everything I own is now locked up. All paperwork is in a locked safe. Nobody gets in my house…nobody gets in. I changed all my account numbers at the banks. I checked my credit report. When I start to date, it will be a slow process of letting someone into my home and space. I’ve learned a LOT. In a way it was good…I was too lenient and too nice and too naïve.

    1. Brilliant comment that really shows just how bad this is. They have no guilt, remorse or shame for their actions and they will attack you like a virus. I was really spooked out at the time, like HOW did he know where to find me? There was no hiding. Thank you for sharing!!

    2. Hi guys…. I’m back on day 4 of no contact but I have to admit that forced contact from him has put me back at square one with my emotions. This is a rhetorical question but WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM??!?? This guy forced me to see him, apologized profusely, bombarded me with “I LOVE YOUs” and empty promises. Now he’s ghost AGAIN!!! I know it’s what’s best for me and what I want but I can’t shake the feeling that he came back and did all of that just so he could prove that he could still get me…. even if it was just briefly!! They really are vampires!! I was doing so great… and boom!! Just like that my heart is hurting again. I’ll make it back again. Smh!!

      1. Hi cindy. It is like quitting any addiction. You have to go back to day one again with the emotions/addictive cravings. BUT hopefully wiser. You have learned something. Only so many times you can place your hand on the fire, get burned before you learn not to touch it again.

      2. Yes Positivagirl, you are right!! But I’m so pissed because I was doing well, I was on my journey of better things ahead of me. I could actually think of him without that full pain of sense of loss in my heart. One encounter with him that he forced and my emotions have been high jacked again!! I feel physically ill right now. I’m so pissed because this time it wasn’t my own doing!! Through hysterical tears I explained to this guy that he only comes back to hurt me, and that I can’t take anymore and I’m moving on for my sake and he still lied to my face, played with my emotions by professing his love and knew all the time that it was a game!! I know now more then ever that I must completely get and keep him out of my life!!! He is cruel, heartless and doesn’t love or care about me!!!

      3. Yes, you are right… he took the power back from me. He knew that I was moving on and he was losing/lost his power over me, so he did what he knew would bring the power back to him. I will take my power back AGAIN, and this time if he shows up again I will call the police!! It’s cruel that they play this game to boost their egos and to regain power and control for just those purposes!! Not a care as to what it does to us emotionally!!! I really can NOT do this anymore!!!

      4. Cindy, Really sorry it set you back :-(. But you will move forward again. Each time it gets a bit easier. For what it’s worth, I also pointed out to mine that he’d return over and over just to control me (freak!!) and start the whole cycle again. He still came back after that!! It’s like water off a duck’s back. They are impenetrable fortresses for mere mortals like us.

      5. Yep… what do they care?!! If I didn’t know he was evil and heartless before I know it now. He pretended to comfort me when I tearfully explained to him why I have to move on then did the EXACT same thing!!! Like Positivagirl said I don’t need to burn my hand again after that. It seems every time I’m with him now I learn more and more about him… he does a good job of pretending to my face but HE DOES NOT CARE!!!

      6. Right. He does not care. That is the hardest thing for us to get our heads around. Some of the people on this board have been in these relationships for years and years; some of them are married to these types. Even so, even with kids, they just don’t care. Besides, they LIKE drama. Being dramatic is feeding the beast. It’s hard not to do it (as you know, I almost slipped up the other day) but it is vital. They are emotionally closed down. They are freaks.

      7. Yes Valerie, it’s so hard for me to believe it I’m seeing it with my own eyes!!! My heart hurts so much right now!! Hopefully I feel better tomorrow. Remember when you said ” he will disappear this week or next”? Well you were right!! I will not fall for it the next time. Ignore and no contact!! It’s the only way to protect ourselves.

      8. I’m sorry I was right. Really. We want to believe there is something normal under there but there isn’t, sadly. I can’t tell you how many times mine disappeared and I let him come back. Partly because I was fascinated by the behavior. I did call him out on it once before I finally told him he was a control freak. Months earlier I thought it was just a hot/cold thing. It had never happened to me before. I had to Google the behavior (and a million other behaviors) because I didn’t know what to call it. I said something like “What’s up with the hot/cold thing?” You know, like a normal person would. Made no difference because of course he wasn’t just your run of the mill mixed up guy. He did it on purpose, and yours is doing it on purpose too. I was going to say they are sadists. But they aren’t really. They’re too self-involved to even be sadists. They do it on purpose to boost their supply.

      9. It’s ok…. I knew you weee correct in your prediction. Of course he disappeared because ” I spazzed out on him” the last time we spoke. Ive been known that he uses that as an excuse. It seems now that if I don’t accept anything from him it gives him a reason to ignore me. It’s been 2 years and I’m seeing new things from him now. That’s a good thing tho… I now know exactly what I was dealing with. He’s admitted in the past that he does it to ” punish me “…. I could never inflict that kind of pain on someone I claim to care about or anyone for that matter. Yes, I know he does it on purpose… for control or because they have new supply and think they don’t need you anymore. I just want this to be over and to heal. He is very manipulative I see… he knew that he was losing me and he knew if I saw him that I would cave… its always been like that with us. He knew he had to force a face to face… he knew if he said all the right things and made those promises to my face he could regain control… once he got it he ignored. Now that I know the game I’m prepared. In a day or 3 he will notice that I haven’t tried to contact him. He will start with an email ” saying hi”, then a few texts to ask if I’m really done, then a phone call or show up at my place. I will ignore all of the communications and if he pops up threaten to call the police. Where I live they want give a damn that he’s a D.C. Police officer!!

      10. It’s got nothing to do with how you respond to him. He would have disappeared no matter how you behaved. That is why NC is the only response.

      11. I know. It’s just terrible because he didn’t do that at all for the first year that we were eeeijg each other.

      12. Yes it takes us a while to catch on, doesn’t it? I’m sure there were behaviors that you didn’t question deeply enough. I know that was the case for me. Again, thought he was normal if a bit mixed up. Not true. But I am not so certain that it would have made any difference. They are always one step ahead no matter what we do or think.

      13. No, what I’m saying is he did not ignore or disappear for the first year that we were seeing each other. It didn’t matter what I did or said !! We would either talk it out and continue to see each other or decide that we needed a short break. It was NEVER that he just stopped talking to me or just ignore me. I’ve been trying to pinpoint what happened that he started doing that. I fell asleep listening to Sam V. I’m trying to retrain my brain. I think it’s working. I’m on the commuter bus into work and I’m still listening to him. I swear if I had the power that these had I would be awesome because I would use it positively!!!

      14. Glad you are listening to Sam! Wish I’d discovered him months before I did. I would have been out of there like a shot. Well, maybe not. But I would have asked the right questions. Just discovered that mine lied about his age.

      15. They lie about EVERYTHING!!! He couldn’t lie to my about most things because we worked for the same agency.

      16. I know your post was a while back but I hope you’re ok. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been going through that for several months now and just when I think I’m good he texts from a new number professing his love and I’m an emotional wreck all over again. Thanks for sharing.

      17. Hi Kerry, I am five months no contact now and feeling a lot better. I know he’s been internet creeping me all that time but he has not tried to contact me directly because his marriage is on the line. If he did try to contact me (and I still have a kind of Pavlovian response to texts and emails because part of me is expecting it), I don’t know how I would respond but I think I dislike him now. He’s a creep. Hope you can get to the point too.

        Cindy, It would be good to know how you are…

      18. Hi Valerie… Thank you for checking on me. I’m good! I finally got serious about no contact about a month ago. I was discarded in September. Wouldn’t you know he started hoovering last week ( texting from different numbers but wont identify himself) yesterday he emailed me. I’m not interested. What really opened my eyes was his ex-wife messaging just how horrible he treated her towards the end of their relationship. He emotionally, mentally, financially and sexually (serial cheating) her. That poor girl told of how she seriously considered suicide, how the whole ordeal tore her down to her core and its taking her over a year to start to rebuild. I was SHOCKED!!! I thought if no one else he cared about her. He discarded her while she was in another country working. She begged him to save the marriage. I saw and heard the devastation that she endured! If he could do that to someone that he claimed to love , who did so much for him for 8 years, I knew he would not think twice to destroy me. I’m doing good with no contact despite his recents efforts at hoovering. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, loving myself and protecting myself from dangers like him. I hope you’re doing well too.

      19. That’s great, Cindy! Glad you are doing well. Sorry to hear about the ex but I think we all have to realize that we’re not special. Not only would they do to us what they’ve done to someone else, they are doing to the next one what they did to us. The current supply is in as just as much shit as we are. Perhaps I’d be doing my narc’s wife a favor by telling her before she makes another huge mistake and decides she can trust him again. Now is the danger zone for him because I am far enough removed to not care much anymore but not far enough removed to have forgotten the details.

        Let’s hope 2018 is a turning point for all of us. I cannot take another year of this, that’s for sure!

      20. Neither can I… I’ve come so far to go back to that pain and misery. I’m so sad for the ex because despite all he put her through she still insisted that at one point he loved her. He left her in at least $17,000 debt, cheated with multiple women, lied and turned his back on her never to come back. That poor thing thinks I’m the lucky one because he kept coming back to me. Poor thing. I just want peace right now.

      21. Oof. Poor thing is right. So twisted. They are like a virus, as positivagirl writes somewhere. If we don’t stay healthy, they will return!

      22. A friend just got discarded in the most disgraceful way by her partner of some 15 years (over email, all sorts of insults hurled at her, wouldn’t respond to her) because he did not get his way about something. Gross, right? We’ve all seen it here on these boards. She is going through the shock and rage of the psychic and emotional kick in the gut. She just told me today that he has done similar things before, disappeared, and then returned as if nothing had happened. She won’t accept a return this time, but it all sounded so familiar.

        It started me thinking and made me realize that my narc did not discard me. He never insulted me. He came over and we talked about it all. I turned on him but unfairly, because I agreed to the split (we came to that conclusion independently and then discussed it). I also agreed to an affair and I didn’t care until the end that he had initially lied to me. It was only my email two days later, in which I called him an entitled liar and a bunch of other not nice things, that soured things and it was because I was angry that I did not get my way. I wanted it to be MY way rather than HIS way. So who’s the narcissist/toddler? Might be me.

        I’m going to break no contact because I realize that I was acting like a psycho – a spoiled brat. I’m the one who cut him off. I insulted him. I also lied to him. Right before we split, I was snooping on social media and I made him think that he had told me something he did not tell me. I actually knew it from my snooping. It put a lot of pressure on him, caused me to get angry, caused him to freak out, and then the demise of our relationship. Had I let him control that part of the narrative (it was about his life, not about mine) we might have been fine.

        I will take responsibility for my behavior.

        I’ll talk to my therapist about all of this tomorrow but I think it will help me to move on. I don’t like unfinished business and I feel that this is unfinished because I have not owned up to what I did wrong.

        So, complete U-turn for me. No letter to the wife and going to end no contact.

      23. I need a bit of moral support. I broke no contact and apologized for my part in how things ended, which wasn’t pretty. I might as well have not fretted about it because he didn’t blink an eye! I was nice but I didn’t flirt, didn’t entice, wasn’t emotional etc. He answered within seconds and within 24 hours he had me (almost) on the hook again. He even gave me his phone number, which is a huge step for him. He almost came over the 2nd night, until I stopped him, and then he did come over the following morning (I allowed it). We had a nice reunion, as usual. It’s as if no time has passed at all. We did not sleep together and he didn’t push it but he wants to restart the affair. I told him I was unsure and I haven’t seen him again, but we are in regular contact and I expect I will before too long.

        I am a completely different person than I was last year and I don’t want to be in an affair. Whether I want to be with him or not is another question all together but one that cannot be addressed because he’s married. I’m not really having a dilemma because I know I will tell him that I’m not interested in the affair anymore. But I am still having a hard time figuring out how to tell him. If I write an email, which is the easiest thing to do, it will be cowardly and I won’t be able to see how it affects him, we won’t be able to have a conversation, etc. If I wait to tell him to his face, I am afraid we will sleep together.

        Also, he is waiting to hear about a new job and is very stressed out. There’s always something, right? If he gets this job he’ll be moving to a different country. It doesn’t matter, he says. My home base is just that. I am always traveling. I mean he wants to keep this going no matter what. But why? It is not as if he has said that he loves me. He hasn’t. Am I such a good lay? Does he love talking to me so much? We barely see each other. What is in it for him?

        I feel mostly over it, in great part because wow, what a shitty marriage, right? I mean we had not been in contact for six months. Plenty of time for him to get back on track with his wife, as he insisted was his goal last summer. But he has made absolutely no progress. He is with her but he isn’t with her at all. He cannot commit to anyone. It’s good to know that it’s not just me! I know you know this, Cindy, but for me it continues to be a revelation :-).

      24. Hey Valerie… He want you because ” why not?” You are supply… A collectible. The more the better!! They get bored and as you stated they are loyal to no one!! Proceed cautiously!!

      25. Hi Cindy, I will be careful! I just find it really hard to understand. It’s as if nothing has happened! It kind of makes me laugh it’s so absurd. I know his wife is secondary supply and I am (one of) his primary supplies. But there are easier people than me out there! I published my first comment in a major newspaper today about it :-). Fascinating. I’m glad to be in my own driver’s seat for a change. I am deliberately not asking about his job or sending words of encouragement because I DON’T CARE! I have my own shit to worry about. I hope you are well!

      26. I am very proud of myself and so have to announce that I did it. I ended it. Not him, me. Not angry, just done.

        He’s been waiting to hear about a new job so I held off because I am considerate that way. But finally I told him I’d made up my mind and that my decision did not depend on where he was. I then explained (gently) in an email that I simply don’t want to be in an affair anymore, that I don’t need him (want yes, need no) and that until he gets un-married we cannot have any kind of relationship, even as friends. I am a different person than I was last year, when I felt so trapped and needy that I almost sent a letter to his wife because that was the only way out I could see.

        I also explained that I can see very clearly what his life is like because both he and his wife have public social media pages. I am not even on that site. I also gave him (unsolicited) advice about his marriage.

        If he stays married, he will find another lover. I won’t respect it but it’s not my life. If he leaves he is free to contact me but only if he can be mentally present. So there we go. All my secrets are out (phew), I feel in control, I do not feel that I need him, and he knows that I do not think his marriage is any great shakes.

        Let’s hope it all stays this way.

        Thank you all very much! I would never have gotten to this point without this board. xxxx

  5. I have a child with a violent sociopath, I pressed charges and said I would allow supervised visitations, this worked because I did not have to be present at the visitations, got a “contact person” from child service. The Sociopathic father had ofcourse no interest in the child if he could not use it against me and eventually stopped showing up. I went no contact and vanished from the face of this earth. Nothing that was particularly fun but I needed to take a breath and heal, I did therapy once a week for a year and got back on my feet. Every time he tried to contact me through email, friends, family you name it, I pressed charges. Even if that never lead to court etc, police eventually got sick of him and went to see him. And that’s when he stopped. It was more work for him than payoff. First time I read about non contact was on this page and I did it ASAP. Best thing I ever done. Now I am left alone and he hasn’t been bothering us at all, I HV a new life and live with protected identity. This is not ideal but he is very violent and it beats being dead.

      1. Hi Everyone…. I hope you all are doing well. My week was ok. Still no contact… I’ve had good and not so good days. Question: Do any of you ever go back and think about every conversation and every interaction and question EVERYTHING?! Smh!!! I’m ok… still trying to get to the other side.

      2. Glad you are hanging in there, Cindy. I certainly go over it all again and again trying to understand. But I think the details were meant to be deliberately confusing, so there’s almost no point.

        It occurred to me that were I to go to the event I was invited to, which his ex helped organize, he’d pretend he didn’t know who I was. Then I thought I’d **emblazon the screen shots from the dating site on my ballgown.** Haha.

        It will all come back to haunt him sooner or later. I am sure of that. If not me, it will be someone else. I believe in karma. Weirdly, and on a more positive note, he did me a very good turn years ago before we knew each other (he is aware of this). It was life changing. It wasn’t deliberate on his part but there it is. It happened. Was it worth all the grief? Probably was, if I’m honest. It was that huge. So I kind of look at this whole thing as the sacrifice I would have to make for the thing that happened long ago. That gives me a meaningful explanation.

      3. Wow!!! That’s good that you can see something positive from this experience. I had a rough night last night…. I was feeling emotionally and missing him. Fighting back tears most of the night as I watched a romantic comedy. At the end the girl got the guy and he was crazy about her. I couldn’t help but think why that couldn’t happen for me. You know the worst part about all of this? When they disappear, you are left with thinking I’m over here missing him and suffering and he’s happily going on with his life…. not giving me or my pain ONE thought!!! I haven’t been sleeping well this past week. I wake in the middle of the night then can’t go back to sleep. I read or get on Facebook, but of course my thoughts drift back to him. My God…. when am I going to stop thinking about HIM??!!! I hate that I can’t seem to get over him!!! Day 7…. but he hasn’t tried to contact me either. These people are the WORST!!!

      4. I can see a lot of positives. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think about getting him back, but I also know he wasn’t for me. Our values and lifestyles are too different. Maybe part of this process is about self-awareness? You have to believe in yourself and that means putting the pieces back together and then holding them together – you are the fortress!

      5. I’m trying…. it’s a struggle, almost daily. Going to work out today, see my therapist then shop for some things to decorate my apartment. Thanks for being here.

      6. No problem. I know it’s a struggle but you’ll get there. I think it takes at least a month of NC to have more than one good day in a row, so you’re a quarter of the way there!! Glad you’re doing things for yourself today.

  6. Hi – I am going through this at the moment. Almost 3 years of being with someone who always accuses me of cheating, has lied and verbally and physically abused me and if I try and do no contact he calls me 100 times and accuses me of being with someone else and being a whore that is the reason I am not answering. Last time I properly went no contact as I seen his ex was with him on a overseas holiday (the ex was always around during our relationship because of her being a family friend and he was still with her emotionally) he turned up at my house. I love him and always naive and take him back. He always tries to make me believe that I am the cause of all of our problems and I turn to drinking as I am unhappy and feel insecure. He always checks out other girls in front of me and says “wow look at her” god gave me eyes to look it dosn’t mean I am doing anything with them when I get upset at him. I could go on and on I have so many stories. We have just broken up again and I have a europe trip coming up for a good friends wedding and he is meant to be coming with me and I just don’t know what to do. My friend thinks he is coming but I havn’t told her yet and it is still 3 months away and anything could happy in that time, I feel pretty helpless right now.

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