Are you in love with somebody who hurts you?
I put a poll on the site for research purposes, to see if there were readers who were still stuck in the relationship, or for how many of you, there was either no closure, or they were still lurking around.
If you haven’t had closure – this article might help you.
I had been corresponding by email with a reader, who was about to begin an injunction order, the reader said how much she loved her partner. I understood. Then she said that he had contacted her. She had mailed me a few times a day, then I didn’t hear further.
I mailed her today, just to see if she was OK? But I knew that it was possible that he had lured her back. I had received a mail, where she had said he had sarcastically said that she didn’t need an injunction, he had ended things with her. This left her confused. I urged her to continue with the injunction and to continue with changing locks to the house. That he was playing mind games. I was right, he later got in contact with her.
What do you do when you love someone who hurts you?
I understood how she felt, that she loved him. I could have written the script step by step, and indeed the pattern that happened. You see Sociopaths are like robots, they seem to follow the same pattern of behaviour.
Of course, the telling her that he had ended things, was a manipulative trick, so that she wouldn’t continue with the injunction order. I haven’t heard from her, so I hope she did go ahead, but somehow, I think that perhaps his promises will be true this time and he will change, I don’t know?
It is tough when you love someone who hurts you. You love the person, but you don’t love their behaviour. When someone is constantly hurting you, especially over a period of time, it is natural to want the pain to go away
If this sounds like you, that you are in a relationship with someone who hurts you, I want you to know the following:
It might feel like this is the only person that you have left in the world. Particularly if you have been isolated. The truth is, that while you are with the abuser, you will not have YOU.
When you leave, when you get out, it is a scary place to be, particularly if you were with a sociopath or a psychopath, as they are masters at charm and charisma, and can make you feel very good.
Narcissists are a bit easier. Away from them, life feels better immediately. With a sociopath or a psychopath, it can be confusing for the victim.They can be so charismatic and charming, and just so nice. This is the side that you love, right?
The Socio or Psychopath, has the ability to HIDE. They can hide their true motives and intentions, so well, that despite everything that you know, you can be in love with the good side. The good side can be better than an ordinary person (who isn’t faking it) You won’t love the bad behaviour. It is difficult to love the lies, deception, manipulation, triangulation, cheating, theft, isolation techniques, possession, control. At first it is the honeymoon period, then swiftly, the bad starts to creep in and you feel cheated.
See this post about the cycle of abuse It doesn’t get better. The outcome is always the same.
I said to someone once, a friend who is a counsellor. I said
“I really love him, I just wish he didn’t lie, deceive, manipulate…..”
His response was,
“It sounds like you wish that you were in love with somebody else”.
This was harsh, but it was the truth and reality.
I had spoken to the sociopaths ex, she had said
“He always promises that he will be a new man, and will be different, but then the lies start creeping in, and it all begins again…”
She told me this in 2012, I thought that she was just jealous, and that he really was this great man. I would learn over the following years, with him in and out of my life, that this is part of who he is. He would never change.
Bargaining with yourself
I then began to bargain with myself. I told myself, that yes, he had his faults, but well, didn’t we all? Or that his faults, I could cope with. I didn’t realise that I was becoming less and less of a person, and my world was growing smaller. It would continue to grow smaller, until there was only me and him left. Then, he had me exactly where he wanted me. I was bargaining with myself. Telling myself, that yes, he had these bad traits, but it was worth it, as he made me laugh, we had some fun. The truth was that we had some fun, because most of the time I was so miserable, so depressed, so low, that he became the fun and entertainment in my life?
He was like a soldier, a gate keeper that kept a wall around me and my life, that nobody could enter. He had to be in control of everything. Yet, still I bargained with myself.
Don’t accept second best – what you miss if you stay with them
Yes, it hurts to break up with someone that you love. It hurts like hell. Normally we choose to split from people because it is not working out. With the sociopath they can make it just about work out all the time. They have a silver tongue and know how to lure you back in, this happened to me so many times. It happened, because I allowed it to happen.
The only change you can make. Is you.
Be the change you wish to see.
You miss so much being with a sociopath. With them, your life goes around in circles, never going anywhere. You stop your career progression, you lose family and friends, you could also lose your home and face financial ruin, your looks will be affected due to the constant stress and strain in your life. Worst of all, is that it is like walking through strong current backwards. Always you will have somebody working against you. Every success that you have, will be viewed as competition from the sociopath, they will be jealous of you, and try to take it for themselves.
Every single things that I did he had to do. He needed to mirror me. Then reflect back a distorted image, which took away the joy of whatever I was doing. It became tarnished. They are the worst emotional abusers, they tarnish the way that you see you, and the way that you see the world.
The only way is to get out – STAY OUT and be No Contact
You are not loving the best parts of the sociopath. You you are loving the best parts of YOU. The sociopath is a soul hijacker. They steal YOU, your life, your world, your finances, your home, your family and friends. They become you, leaving you feeling worthless. You think that you need them, because they seem so like you, this is because they are masters at identity theft.
The only way to get YOU back, is to get out of the relationship and to stay out of the relationship. I am not going to say that leaving is easy. It is the most dangerous and fearful time, particularly if they do not want you to leave. Please contact a domestic violence unit for additional help and support to do so.
Believe me, nothing is worse than being trapped in a relationship with someone who is abusing you. Even if you only have you left, at least you have you. You can work on you, without somebody else destroying you. You can heal and repair you, without somebody else undoing all of your hard work.
Without them in your life, life starts to get better. The sunshine comes out, you start to return to the whole of you. The real you. If they had met you at a time in your life when you were going through other issues like bereavement, you might also have to deal with this too, but at least you have space to do so.
Finally you will be moving forward. Not going around in circles. Somebody who hurts you, does NOT respect you. This will not change. It will never change. The outcome will always be the same. You are wasting your life staying with them.
If they have abandoned you
Use this opportunity to NOT let them back in.
- Change the locks to your house
- Change the passwords on your social media
- Hook up with friends/family that you trust
- Take one day at a time, bring things that you love into your life
- Focus on gratitude. Be grateful for everything
- Start rebuilding and start rebuilding now
- Put a block app on your phone and allow his/her messages/calls to go there. Keep it there, you might need it as evidence if they come back and harass
The only person stopping you now is YOU
If you are still in the relationship
- Set yourself a time frame/date to get out
- Work towards this goal
- Organise money, open a bank account for yourself
- Find somewhere new to live
- Become boring, dull, lifeless to them – give NO emotion (if you are lucky they might leave)
- Be private, do not give them any TRUTHFUL information about you, your thoughts or your life
- Gather together items that you need, documents, banking details, useful phone contacts
- Have a secret code with someone you trust, in case you need to get out fast, just one word you can text or call
- Have your car facing outwards on the drive so you can make a quick escape, keep some belongings in the boot of the car
- Find one person that you trust to talk to, ensure that this is NOT a mutual friend
- Involve legal if you need to, get an injunction order against them
- Obtain help from a local domestic violence unit
- Be safe, and do not place yourself in danger
If the relationship has ended and sociopath is still lurking around
- Involve local domestic violence unit
- Seek an injunction if necessary
- Warn the sociopath that should they contact you again, that you will file charges for harassment
- Change the locks to your home
- Put the number on an app you can download, keep messages/call logs in this app in case you need evidence
- Start building your own social network
- Start the no contact rule
- Focus on gratitude
One day at a time. You really can do this. You deserve so much better. Only away from them can you heal.
All rights reserved copyright datingasociopath.com 2016 Author Nikki Gillett