What to do when you love someone who is hurting you, loving a sociopath, narcissist or any other toxic personality

Are you in love with somebody who hurts you?


I put a poll on the site for research purposes, to see if there were readers who were still stuck in the relationship, or for how many of you, there was either no closure, or they were still lurking around.

If you haven’t had closure – this article might help you.

I had been corresponding by email with a reader, who was about to begin an injunction order, the reader said how much she loved her partner. I understood. Then she said that he had contacted her. She had mailed me a few times a day, then I didn’t hear further.

I mailed her today, just to see if she was OK? But I knew that it was possible that he had lured her back. I had received a mail, where she had said he had sarcastically said that she didn’t need an injunction, he had ended things with her. This left her confused. I urged her to continue with the injunction and to continue with changing locks to the house. That he was playing mind games. I was right, he later got in contact with her.

What do you do when you love someone who hurts you? 

I understood how she felt, that she loved him. I could have written the script step by step, and indeed the pattern that happened. You see Sociopaths are like robots, they seem to follow the same pattern of behaviour.

Of course, the telling her that he had ended things, was a manipulative trick, so that she wouldn’t continue with the injunction order. I haven’t heard from her, so I hope she did go ahead, but somehow, I think that perhaps his promises will be true this time and he will change, I don’t know?

It is tough when you love someone who hurts you. You love the person, but you don’t love their behaviour. When someone is constantly hurting you, especially over a period of time, it is natural to want the pain to go away

If this sounds like you, that you are in a relationship with someone who hurts you, I want you to know the following:

It might feel like this is the only person that you have left in the world. Particularly if you have been isolated. The truth is, that while you are with the abuser, you will not have YOU.

When you leave, when you get out, it is a scary place to be, particularly if you were with a sociopath or a psychopath, as they are masters at charm and charisma, and can make you feel very good.

Narcissists are a bit easier. Away from them, life feels better immediately. With a sociopath or a psychopath, it can be confusing for the victim.They can be so charismatic and charming, and just so nice. This is the side that you love, right?

The Socio or Psychopath, has the ability to HIDE. They can hide their true motives and intentions, so well, that despite everything that you know, you can be in love with the good side. The good side can be better than an ordinary person (who isn’t faking it) You won’t love the bad behaviour. It is difficult to love the lies, deception, manipulation, triangulation, cheating, theft, isolation techniques, possession, control. At first it is the honeymoon period, then swiftly, the bad starts to creep in and you feel cheated.

See this post about the cycle of abuse It doesn’t get better. The outcome is always the same.

I said to someone once, a friend who is a counsellor. I said

“I really love him, I just wish he didn’t lie, deceive, manipulate…..”

His response was,

“It sounds like you wish that you were in love with somebody else”.

This was harsh, but it was the truth and reality.

I had spoken to the sociopaths ex, she had said

“He always promises that he will be a new man, and will be different, but then the lies start creeping in, and it all begins again…”

She told me this in 2012, I thought that she was just jealous, and that he really was this great man. I would learn over the following years, with him in and out of my life, that this is part of who he is. He would never change.

Bargaining with yourself

I then began to bargain with myself. I told myself, that yes, he had his faults, but well, didn’t we all? Or that his faults, I could cope with. I didn’t realise that I was becoming less and less of a person, and my world was growing smaller. It would continue to grow smaller, until there was only me and him left. Then, he had me exactly where he wanted me.  I was bargaining with myself. Telling myself, that yes, he had these bad traits, but it was worth it, as he made me laugh, we had some fun. The truth was that we had some fun, because most of the time I was so miserable, so depressed, so low, that he became the fun and entertainment in my life?

He was like a soldier, a gate keeper that kept a wall around me and my life, that nobody could enter. He had to be in control of everything. Yet, still I bargained with myself.

Don’t accept second best – what you miss if you stay with them

Yes, it hurts to break up with someone that you love. It hurts like hell. Normally we choose to split from people because it is not working out. With the sociopath they can make it just about work out all the time. They have a silver tongue and know how to lure you back in, this happened to me so many times. It happened, because I allowed it to happen.

The only change you can make. Is you.

Be the change you wish to see.

You miss so much being with a sociopath. With them, your life goes around in circles, never going anywhere. You stop your career progression, you lose family and friends, you could also lose your home and face financial ruin, your looks will be affected due to the constant stress and strain in your life. Worst of all, is that it is like walking through strong current backwards. Always you will have somebody working against you. Every success that you have, will be viewed as competition from the sociopath, they will be jealous of you, and try to take it for themselves.

Every single things that I did he had to do. He needed to mirror me. Then reflect back a distorted image, which took away the joy of whatever I was doing. It became tarnished. They are the worst emotional abusers, they tarnish the way that you see you, and the way that you see the world.

The only way is to get out – STAY OUT and be No Contact

Establish No Contact

How to get your feelings out without breaking no contact

You are not loving the best parts of the sociopath. You you are loving the best parts of YOU. The sociopath is a soul hijacker. They steal YOU, your life, your world, your finances, your home, your family and friends. They become you, leaving you feeling worthless. You think that you need them, because they seem so like you, this is because they are masters at identity theft.

The only way to get YOU back, is to get out of the relationship and to stay out of the relationship. I am not going to say that leaving is easy. It is the most dangerous and fearful time, particularly if they do not want you to leave. Please contact a domestic violence unit for additional help and support to do so.

Believe me, nothing is worse than being trapped in a relationship with someone who is abusing you. Even if you only have you left, at least you have you. You can work on you, without somebody else destroying you. You can heal and repair you, without somebody else undoing all of your hard work.

Without them in your life, life starts to get better. The sunshine comes out, you start to return to the whole of you. The real you. If they had met you at a time in your life when you were going through other issues like bereavement, you might also have to deal with this too, but at least you have space to do so.

Finally you will be moving forward. Not going around in circles. Somebody who hurts you, does NOT respect you. This will not change. It will never change. The outcome will always be the same. You are wasting your life staying with them.

If they have abandoned you

Use this opportunity to NOT let them back in.

  • Change the locks to your house
  • Change the passwords on your social media
  • Hook up with friends/family that you trust
  • Take one day at a time, bring things that you love into your life
  • Focus on gratitude. Be grateful for everything
  • Start rebuilding and start rebuilding now
  • Put a block app on your phone and allow his/her messages/calls to go there. Keep it there, you might need it as evidence if they come back and harass

The only person stopping you now is YOU

If you are still in the relationship

  • Set yourself a time frame/date to get out
  • Work towards this goal
  • Organise money, open a bank account for yourself
  • Find somewhere new to live
  • Become boring, dull, lifeless to them – give NO emotion (if you are lucky they might leave)
  • Be private, do not give them any TRUTHFUL information about you, your thoughts or your life
  • Gather together items that you need, documents, banking details, useful phone contacts
  • Have a secret code with someone you trust, in case you need to get out fast, just one word you can text or call
  • Have your car facing outwards on the drive so you can make a quick escape, keep some belongings in the boot of the car
  • Find one person that you trust to talk to, ensure that this is NOT a mutual friend
  • Involve legal if you need to, get an injunction order against them
  • Obtain help from a local domestic violence unit
  • Be safe, and do not place yourself in danger

If the relationship has ended and sociopath is still lurking around

  • Involve local domestic violence unit
  • Seek an injunction if necessary
  • Warn the sociopath that should they contact you again, that you will file charges for harassment
  • Change the locks to your home
  • Put the number on an app you can download, keep messages/call logs in this app in case you need evidence
  • Start building your own social network
  • Start the no contact rule
  • Focus on gratitude

One day at a time. You really can do this. You deserve so much better. Only away from them can you heal.

All rights reserved copyright datingasociopath.com 2016 Author Nikki Gillett

17 thoughts on “What to do when you love someone who is hurting you, loving a sociopath, narcissist or any other toxic personality”

    1. There is nothing wrong with you. Aside from damage of abuse. When you have been emotionally abused, particularly if you have invested a lot into the relationship in the beginning when they are nice, you want the nice back again. You feel like you have put in so much, so you want the nice person back again. Often just as you are about to leave as their treatment of you is so bad, they switch to nice again. Which is a good feeling. Sociopaths focus and target your core soul wound (Do a search for a post on this). What happens is that they find your weakness, then sooth you, so that you feel calm, and peaceful. Whatever your soul wound is, feels better, then they switch. It feels like someone putting a band aid on the hurt, which feels better, then they rip it off again. Leaving you feeling destroyed, upset, and thinking (wrongfully) that you need them. It works like an addiction. Like walking around in a pair of shoes 2 sizes too small, just so that you can feel the relief when you take them off again.

      How you feel is normal. If you walk away, the hurt is still there. It aches, terribly so. If the person offers to come back and not hurt you again, you take them back, as they put the band aid back on.

      Go back to the posts from 2013 and read through. I don’t know why but they are healing posts. I only know this as something came up today about the first psycho, with a friend, and my heart hurt. I didn’t sleep last night. I read a post today that was written in 2013, my pain went away. A lot of people tell me, that those posts helped them to heal. I don’t know if it could do that for you?

      1. Thank you Positiva…. I feel like this is never going to end!!! I pray every day!! You’re right… I sometimes feel that I need him in my life…although I know he’s the worst person for me. I was in therapy and had just really had gotten over him. I made a conscious decision to put him behind me and move on ( after months of him ignoring my texts). 2 days after I made that decision he contacted me. Dumb me, I slowly started back communicating with him ( thinking I could handle it). The love I have for him NEVER goes away, so when we were physically together I was sucked back in!!! I ask ” what is wrong with me”? because I know nothing will change with him… I just want the fix for as long as it last. So sad! I’m not back at 0 because I’ve been thru it so many times that it hurts less, but I’m so tired of being hurt. Please try to answer this for me… why is it when things are going well he just stops communicating, stops replying to my texts? Then one day or days, weeks or months later he will reach out to me without any explanation or apology and want to see me. There doesn’t have to be an argument, fight, nothing. Just GONE!!! This is the only thing he does that hurts me to my soul!!

      2. Hi Cindy, this is common, and isn’t it annoying? You placed the effort into you, checked into therapy and worked on you. Felt that you came so far, then bang he came back.

        However, I don’t want you to see this as a failure. Each time, you do learn something new. I don’t think you were dumb, I just think that he is very manipulative. I think that you gave him a chance, looking at him with your world view point. But he is not going to change, you are right. he isn’t going to be a better person, because he can’t.

        When you say you are not back at 0, this is you learning. Learning from past experiences.

        It is an interesting question that you ask, why do they come back just as you get back on your feet? I think when you get back on your feet, you are not contacting him, or thinking about him, you are doing your own thing. This is why gratitude works. When you do that, they are not something you are grateful for. Brings you pain. You become too busy. Life becomes happier. Why do they come back at that time? I personally believe that they can feed off your emotions when you are thinking about them. When you stop, it cuts the supply off. They don’t like this – then you hear from them.

      3. Got it and I agree. But my real question was why does he just stop replying out of the blue?! Nothing has to happen. Just ignores… until he’s ready to contact me.

      4. Wow!!! This is just what I needed to read!!! I understand completely now. The last time I saw him I jokingly asked if he ignored me to punish me…. he answered yes. I thought he was just being flippant. Day 3 of no contact… I can do it. I deserve better.

      5. We have and yes I have. I’m the beginning it was because he did something to hurt or piss me off and I went ballistic on him. Over time he just ignored…. anywhere from hours to days to weeks. Sometimes there’s an excuse: I lost my phone, my phone was off, I was busy at work, etc. sometimes no explanation at all. It’s cruel, I wouldn’t do it to anyone. He knows it hurts me, but he continues to do it, I’m
        at my limit of emotions pain.

  1. The protective order I had expired at the beginning of October. This was the second one so it had been 2 years since I had heard from the sociopath that was in my life. But on October 30th, he sent me a facebook message on my business page! Since he is blocked it came up as “facebook user” but he signed it. It was a backhanded apology. He said he didn’t blame me for making things up and that he was shitty and I wasn’t. I was blown away that I heard from him and yet after being a part of this site it really shouldn’t have surprised me. I did not respond and don’t plan. In those two years, I have met my husband and have a great life.

  2. Hi! I came accross this wondeful website today, as I was looking for some encouraging information as I am recovering from a 4 year relationship with a pshychopath. This person almost ruined my life. I was depressed and suffered from anxiety for a long time, until I realized the truth, that he USED ME TO ACHIEVE his personal goals, using lies and manipulation. Every day I am trying to get better and take charge of my life. It is a painful process, because sometimes I “miss” the idea of him. It is very hard to come to terms that ONE sick individual stole all that time of my life. That the person I was in love with NEVER EXISTED. All the reality that I perceived for four years never EXISTED.
    I am taking one day at a time reminding myself of my self worth, and that I deserve wonderful things in my life.

    1. Yes you do deserve wonderful things in your life, and you will NEVER get that from them. Not only that all the other things in your life that would and could be wonderful, career, friends, family, love independence, growth, artistic pursuits, financial achievement, travel ANYTHING that could make you happy you won’t have either as he would just destroy it, (and you).

    2. Isela… I’m sorry and yes you’re in for a long journey of healing. My story is much the same except it was a year… and I year later I’m still trying to heal and move forward. I’ll pray for your healing and happiness!!! Why do these people exist??

  3. I have been discarded by my sociopath/narc husband recently. We were together for 6 years and married for 1 1/2. I am not 100% sure that he is a socio/narc but when I read the signs online he applies to almost every single one. The only thing that he differs in is that he never gave me a full silent treatment, instead he would withdraw and act annoyed by my presence and want “space” for long periods of time. I also cannot prove that he has cheated on me- though I have had my doubts about his fidelity ans his desire to go to parties far away with people I didn’t know answer without me present. We have been together for 6 years and he went above and beyond to convince me and everyone in my life that he was a great guy for me. He even claimed to become a Christian because he knew my faith was important to me and asked my dad personally to officiate our wedding ceremony! Little did I know that 1 1/2 years later he would drop me like I never existed or mattered.
    I always knew something was not right about him but pinned it on his sad childhood ( his parents both had mental problems and were not mentally able to parent well – his older brother was taken by DCFS for neglect) and believed he didn’t know how to cope with his anger because he had unhealthy examples of how to deal with his emotions.
    Examples of his outbursts: yelling at the top of his lungs even when my voice was calm and normal, swiping things off tables that I valued, throwing objects that I just bought, threatening to hit me, kill me, drag me by my neck and make me watch as he messed with my stuff. Luckily he never actually got physically violent outside of throwing things. He has called me things such as worthless, stupid, weak, fat (even though I am not) , lame in bed, that Ill never go anywhere in life. He has said that the abuse I endured from my last boyfriend was deserved and it was my fault because I am annoying. These are some of hundreds of hurtful things he has said. All of these outburst were caused by me bringing up my feeling about something’s he had done to hurt me ( I.e. It hurt my feelings when you showed up an hour late to my families event because you were playing video games.) he would then blame everything on me and say my family is lame or I should know he deserves time to rest because he works hard.
    I now know I put up with way more than I should have and shouldn’t have let I’m gaslight me and blame me for everything that he did wrong.
    Recently he has continued contacting with me saying he wants to be friends and saying he knows what his problems are and that he has a hard time staying in touch with his emotions and acknowledges that he mistreated me. He does not want to get back together and says He doesn’t love me as more than a friend because I am too emotional for him and I “push ” him to talk about his feelings when he hates talking about serious things. ( keep in mind he is 27 years old) .
    Most recently he said that if things were on the other foot and I had left him out of the blue that he would try all that he could and work to win me back.
    I know I should be so over him, and he should be apologizing and fighting for me after all he’s done. But there were phases of our relationship even after our wedding that he exhibited maturity and a willingness to work on his anger and issues. Hearing him say now that he recognizes his issues and wants to fix himself makes me doubt myself and I feel the desire to try my hardest to show him that I care and that I will work on this relationship and make it work. My brain wonders if he is just saying this so I will play nice with him through our divorce and that he wants to give me a small beam of hope only to hurt me all over again, but my cognitive dissonance is making me crazy! My heart loves him so much and still wants to believe that if I fight for him there will be a chance. I can’t stop the feeling that if I do everything to please him he will realize that I am his best source of supply and won’t want to leave. I feel pathetic that i am even still struggling with this. I was with him for almost my entire twenties and loved him and trusted him deeply. I genuinely believed him every time he said “I could never leave you” “I could never stop loving you” and was just shocked when he informed me at 4:00 am a couple months ago that he did not love me at all and didn’t want to try or do snthing to stay married to me. He said he had fallen out of love with me. Why can I not stop loving him??? Why do I still want to work for him to stay with me?

  4. Brie — please read through this website. I think you are still in shock. If you think you are fault or should have done this or done that and he would not have left — think again. He was in control the entire time. No matter what you did or did not do, he had a plan. You DID NOTHING WRONG. Establish no contact. This is the only way you will be able to see what he is like and rediscover the wonderful person you are. He took that away from you. Again, establish NO CONTACT.

    He will say anything to get you back In his control. Maybe his plan backfired and now he needs a place to stay again. This is what happened to me but I did not know it at the time. Never believe anything a sociopath says. If you have no contact with him, he doesn’t know what you are doing. He has no control. Sociopaths need control.

    My ex said the same vile things this one has said to you. He destroyed my things and went into wild rages over nothing. (But now I think he raged when one of the cheating partners dumped him and destroyed his plans). I can relate very much to your post. I lived a lot of it.

    You are on this site for a reason. And you can find so many answers here. This is the first step to get YOU back. You are worth getting to know yourself again. You need to bring all of you back again. You will get strong, You will flourish. People who don’t know you CARE about you. I wish you well and that you have happiness, joy and peace. And you will.

  5. I’m currently in a relationship that I have found to be with a sociopath. It’s been 3 years and I’ve tried to leave but I’m still stuck…he owes me over $20,000 that he keeps pushing back to pay me on so I feel as if I’m stuck with him until I get my money back. I don’t think it’d be right to just let him get away with stealing from me. I’ve found myself being completely obsessed with finding out what he’s doing and with who. He’s cheated on me numerous times (including with prostitutes). I’m not at a state where I have 0 self esteem because of the things he’s put me through and said to me. Any chance he gets he will remind me that he can and does get any girl he wants. I feel like I can’t say no to some of his demands because of the constant fear of rage so I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I didn’t come from a broken family, so I don’t understand why I’m allowing a man who cheats, lies, emotionally hurts, and recently physically hurts me…he tells me I’m his forever and there’s nothing I can do about it because “I’m already too far deep” how do I let go? I can’t do no contact because of the money….I want to move on and build my self esteem back…he’s still soliciting for prostitution and does those online dating apps so I’m wondering how to let go…I’ve tried to go to therapy and went for about 3 months but I feel so ashamed of certain things I’ve done and allowed to happen to me that I couldn’t even be honest with the therapist….

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