Sociopaths are very predictable creatures. It might seem a shock to you, the sudden ending of the sociopath departure. But this is just an illusion, just like everything else in the sociopath box of tricks.
Unlike other relationships where there is warning, or fights and arguments, this part will be missing. Or when there are arguments leading up to the exit, you will be at a loss, what the arguments are about. After all the sociopath will pick a fight with you, over nothing at all. The week before the sociopath exit you will notice
- Edgy behaviour
- Picking fights over nothing at all
- An attempt to sleep with you one last time night before
- After a huge fight – that is about nothing you have done – the sociopath leaves
- You will be surprised that when the sociopath does leave – despite there might be tears (or might not) on their part – that they are remarkably calm. The ‘love’ that could have been shown to you the previous day is gone. It is evident that the sociopath had already planned their exit strategy. Even if, just the day or the week before they were talking of marriage, children or life long commitments. It seems sudden to you – but it isn’t to the sociopath. Behind your back they were already planning their exit. Without your knowledge they had already sourced a new place to live – and in some cases a new partner (victim) too.
Of course the sociopath has already sourced their new source of supply before leaving you. Sociopaths need someone else to lean on. They are unable to be on their own. They wouldn’t let you know that they have already sourced supply behind your back. Of course not, because the sociopath would like you to believe that it is YOUR fault – something that you have done – this is why they have left.
This isn’t the case. It simply means that for the sociopath they were either:
- Had found a new source of supply – that fitted their needs better
- Wanted to escape from responsibility
Duality of the sociopath
If you have dated a sociopath you will already know that the sociopath is a master of mind games, tricks and illusion and that nothing is ever as it seems.
Whilst smiling to your face, behind your back they have likely been giving others the sob story, and others wanting to help the poor sociopath victim in their plight of need, offers a place to stay.
What the new target or accomplice does not realise is that they are the next future victim. And whilst there will be tales of you, and how you are a crazy psycho – in the future – they will be labelled as that person too. Sociopaths are not particularly loyal and when moving into mode of discard will tell others just how awful you are. To gain both sympathy and to obtain support to leave – with their halo shining looking like the great guy or gal. The sociopath loves to make a clear exit, and will tarnish your name without a thought, if it makes him look better.
Sociopaths have a dual personality. Life to them is a game, and everyone else are actors in the game. It can be hurtful to realise that the only person who was in a relationship – was you. The sociopath was merely playing a game. Perhaps they grew bored or tired of the game with you, or they felt that there was easier source of supply elsewhere. Whatever their reasoning, in their mind you have served their needs. Now they are justified in moving on.
Why create a fight deliberately beforehand?
Sociopaths always pick a fight. This could be over anything. Usually it is over nothing. There is absolutely no sense to the fight either. Often you will be accused of something that you haven’t done. The sociopath will play victim at how their feelings are hurt, and just how awful you are to do what you have done. You protest your innocence. You witness the narcissistic rage. Yet you have no idea what this is about? It makes no sense at all.
Well at least it makes no sense at all at the time – until the next day when the sociopath with a big drama packs their things (They often leave a few items so that they can return at a later date should they wish) – they almost always keep their options open. So they pack their things and off they go….. you are amazed – how did they find somewhere to live so fast? You wonder as perhaps the day before or a few days before you were (you thought) happy and in love? You haven’t even came to terms that you have split up, yesterday, perhaps even this morning, you were happy and in love? How can he/she be so cold? How can this be happening?
The truth is – that the sociopath has a duality of personality. Whilst smiling to your face and faking love – behind your back they were already moving on. The fake row that they created, the drama and accusations that made no sense and caused so much pain, was a deliberate calculated event engineered by the sociopath to get them out of the relationship and to move onto whatever else they had planned behind your back.
Sociopaths do not end relationships like normal people do. Sitting down and having heart to heart conversations trying to work out where the relationship is going wrong, and what you can do to fix it. This is not the sociopath way. The sociopath has their own exit strategy. This of course achieves
- Retaining control
If you had done anything to the sociopath that they had smiled through in the relationship, now will be the time that they tell you exactly what they think of you. It is now that you see the real person behind the mask. The anger that you witness is the simmering anger that lies behind the mask of deception all of the time. It is just that normally it was hidden by a charismatic smile and twinkling eyes….
Coping after discard
Discard can be really painful. Especially when it was sudden and unexpected. The sense of betrayal and confusion cause intense pain. You might have a longing to find out the truth. It might be difficult to come to terms with the truth. It is hard that the sociopath would have designed this and planned their exit strategy behind your back, whilst smiling to your face and playing the perfect partner.
- Stay with the present. There is truth in the saying ‘the power of now’ right now is all that you have control over. Manage in small pieces of time. Operate on a day to day basis as much as possible
- Find one person that you can trust and confide in this person. Ensure that this person is not a mutual friend, and is someone who will be 100% on your side. Someone who believes in you
- Write down how you are feeling
- If you feel the need to write emails – do – but do not press send. Instead save to draft when written. It can be healthy to get out your feelings onto paper – later this will also help you to see your progress and how far you have come
- You might feel the need to rant for a day or two…. but go careful-the sociopath has a habit of warning you that if you continue to contact them – they will file charges for harassment!! They love to call the police on you (now you are discovering that your needs are not important at all to the sociopath)
- Do not expect ANYTHING from the sociopath. If they owe you things and those things are important to you, advise that you want your belongings back (send an email) put it in writing – but don’t pursue them for it. This is simply a waste of time. The sociopath will love the attention – and if they were going to give those items back to you – they would anyway. If they have no intentions – they won’t (even if they feign that they will give them back to you). Sociopaths love to stall for time – to retain control over you – so just say what you want/need from them ONCE – then let it go. Even if this is painful to do. Never continue playing the game with the sociopath. End contact. Ask for your things. If they wont give them, or make false empty promises that they will deliver – soon. If your items are important to you, and you can prove it, call the police and report a theft.
- Realise that you will not get the answers that you seek from the sociopath – they couldn’t be truthful in the relationship – they won’t be truthful now. So read all that you can about sociopathic behaviour. It will help you and help you to understand that there was nothing that you did. This is not your fault.
- Make some plans for the future. Try to be goal focused and reward yourself for achieving small goals. This will help with self esteem and confidence
- Avoid mutual friends (as much as possible) at least for a while. Definitely don’t go to mutual friends for advice or for information about the sociopath. This usually backfires as the sociopath will convince those people that you are crazy and cant let go etc…. This would only lead to more pain. This separation with those mutual friends, needn’t be permanent but distance can be good for your health for a while. It is time to take care of you and your needs.
- If you have been left in debt, or even financially ruined – seek expert advice and try not to ignore it. Usually this financial pressure has been building for a while. Gaining some support financially to sort out your finances, can feel a relief
- Remember that with nobody turning your world upside down – you are free to rebuild your world. This might be so painful if you have been left isolated and alone. But realise that this is also an opportunity to build a new life. If you had old trusted friends that you stopped seeing due to the sociopath – call them up, you might be surprised that they have missed you too!
- I know that it hurts someone leaving like you meant nothing – when only days before you were with what you thought was the love of your life. Just remember – it was the mirror image of YOU!! That part of you…. is still inside you…. you just have to find you again.
- Finally and most importantly – implement no contact rule. Stick with it. Take it one day at a time. Soon that day will be a week, then a month, then 6 months – a year — and as time passes you will become stronger – and so proud of yourself for doing so.
Love yourself – you’re worth it!! 🙂
All rights reserved Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
204 thoughts on “The sociopath exit strategy”
Thanks for this reminder. The escape I got was his silent escape. I came home to an empty house unexpectedly. He even kissed me that morning and said “I love u see u tonight”. Now I live in his silence for nearly three months. But I realized something. I’m like a child who lost a mom or dad and afraid to move on and be happy bc Might forget them and the memories. I think that’s where my pain is at this time. It tied up in fear of letting go bc then he will be….gone. Almost like I would be doing our relationship a disservice if I move on. That’s just an example of how sick and twisted they make us become and believe. However I know I am on the road to being straightened out. Thank u Lord!!!
Hey Judah have you thought that perhaps you are scared to move on – just in case he comes back? Have you thought do you actually want this relationship to be over. You do know that YOU can make the choice to end it? So you can say to yourself this is over – I am making this decision for me – tomorrow – (brand new day)… I know it is tough as it feels unclosed – unfinished – which can you leaving feeling almost paralysed with fear.
Can you have a think about this? How YOU could make the decision to end it. Make it your decision on your terms (it only has to be psychological) I think this might really help you.
Hi Pos, Just read this on my news site!
Well, it’s a scientific fact: we love to cheat.
That’s according to researchers from the University of Washington, who’ve diagnosed a “Cheaters High” – a feeling of elation someone gets when they cheat.
The study found that feelings of guilt associated with cheating on an exam or lying is actually a figment of our imagination, and something we make-up to soothe our conscious after behaving unethically.
Researchers conducted six different experiments that gave participants the opportunity to cheat, and they found that the cheaters generally felt satisfied, superior and even thrilled about their dishonesty.
“We were a little appalled,” lead author of the study Nicole E. Euedy told the New York Times.
More frightening still is the confirmation of the old adage, “once a cheater always a cheater,” with Ruedy explaining that because most people feel happier after cheating, they are likely to do it again.
Author: Natasha Lee, Approving editor: Emma Chamberlain
Sociopaths always cheat…in one way or another. I think they would be bored if they had to be honest. They get a real kick out of conning duping and cheating. its about the only high they get in life (unless they are addicts too)
They get bored because they are boring themselves 😉
Let’ s face it, if they didn’t have such a feeding frenzy on our intellect they would be just themselves which isn’t very inspiring so, the need to feed off us & cheat is a given really 😦
Still it’s nice to know it’s a proven fact as we already knew but, backed up by University tests 🙂
They get bored because they are boring themselves! Classic, love it Pheonix Rising!
I just found this site, thank goodness. A bit of my story/nightmare.
I (female) have been married 20 years. I am just now researching and learning what I am dealing with on a daily basis in my marriage. I knew there was a problem though I thought the problem was an abusive emotional/physical childhood, or a progressive affect of TMI (tramatic brain injury) of the frontal lobe. Now after DAYS of researching said topics as:
psychopath, sociopath, narcissist, and TMI. I am convinced with out a doubt I am living with EVIL.
Stepping back in time. In the beginning 1993 my soon to be husband was a CHARMER, liked what I liked, like the outdoors going places, going out to eat, walks on the beach at sunset, gifts for no reason, desiring the family with a dog and white picket fence scenario GREAT right ? cool… Then we got married and along came my heart, our 2 boys back to back. Life changed a lot because the boys were young and they need me, this would revert back in time, so I thought anyway. I had NO help by anyone with them not even him physically that is, just financially. The going out, dates etc. declined dramatically, again I felt this would change when the boys got older. Not only did our “things in common” fade he didn’t want me going out with my friends, hated when I talked on the phone, started being a bully of some sort.
Fast forward, Noticing inability to control anger, very jealous, snooping through my things. Ok this is normal a little huh? He loves me so much.
Present, I have researched all the said above due to there is no rhyme or reason for the treatment I endure on a daily basis. The verbal attacks, name calling, put downs, belittling, out and out rude behavior towards me in public or in front of friends and family has escalated over the years. To him of course I am the problem, it’s all my fault, everything. He has not gotten physical with me as in hitting me, his verbal attacks are hard core, bitch, count, no one would want you etc.. mind you many say I am a very pretty, compassionate person. I use to model also so yeah.
So here I am with a psychopath/narcissist/TMI damaged man who is doing his best to destroy my self confidence, my support system, my dreams, my very soul.
I was a stay at home mother 1/2 of the 20 years, never could put $ aside because he made me give all of it to him. After all i’m so selfish according to him.
I have been using some of the “tools” such as:
No accusations (which I don’t do anyway) I do accuse him of being mean a bully though.
No emotions: this one has him reeling, what’s wrong with me ? huh
No ultimatums: never worked, change is just a word to him, action less promises.
Don’t use the words right or wrong: I am never right anyway.
Do not talk about family, friends, dreams or anything that makes me happy. He destroys those.
Right now he is so angry, wants to fight all the time over anything, nothing?
Since he is not getting out of me what he wants BATTLE. I think he may be in discard mode. ? I know he is also telling everyone I am a whack job, though I am not sure they believe him after all they see what he does to me. Who wouldn’t be going kinda nuts? I want to get away from him but I am scared and know he will make it VERY DIFFICULT on me emotionally & financially.
Thank you for reading,
feed back appreciated.
You are strong. If you haven’t yet, you’ll get away from him and get through it. Look how long you’ve kept your self confidence and wits about you with that terrible ‘thing’ trying to destroy you.
I wish you the best of luck.
omg…………..I know exactly what you mean. Your post describes exactly how I feel!
How are you now?
Another great post…take care and thank you!!
Thank you Kimmi!! 🙂
This post is great! If I would have know about the exit strategy months ago, I think I would have been better prepared. I’m still dealing with this, how he ended the relationship and I’m bereaving our fake relationship. But, everyday with no contact is getting better.
Yay go you Kay…. keep to no contact as hard as it is. You wont get answers from him anyway. He couldnt be honest in the relationship. he wont be now.
This article is perfect. It comes to conclusions that only days ago I had formed on my own; just not with such clarity. Right down to the language that was used. It’s obvious the writer had suffered and has channeled that in a way that helps others. Thank you. There is not much to add to this other than my observation that there does not seem to be much of a personality at all inside them. They truly are weak and need an image to reflect. The good news is that I liked my own reflection. I cast a shadow. These vampire people do not. It’s a nice day. I’m going outside in the sun to smile at my shadow.
Thanks for the reminders. I came to the recent conclusion that in my situation, the sad part for me was not that I don’t matter anymore, but that I NEVER mattered and I wasted so much of my life on someone who didn’t ever care about me. He is dead, that person I loved, because in essence, he never existed in the first place. It’s weird to think that the person I loved was not real, but I am learning to remind myself of it, when I fall back into thinking I “miss” him. The man I miss doesn’t exist. I appreciate this site so much. It’s really helping me to understand that it’s not me and how I managed to be fooled for so long. I never imagined people like this existed and so many of them–but it sure helps to see that I am not alone. Three weeks of no contact and just reaching out to all my friends who are real and do love me and have been there always for me. Thank you for what you’re doing here–you’re helping a lot of other people. Peace.
Thank you so pleased to hear that you are 3 weeks into No contact and gaining in strength!!
And you just helped me by reminding me that they are dead, they do not exist, they are not who we fell in love with. SO sad, they play or act a part and we fall for it, but it is not them. Thank you for reminding me. ❤
Thank you susana, I updated your comment, as it had your surname.
I hear ya! On my worse days I pretend that the man I fell in love with was a person in my life who died, I guess it is true really.
He didn’t die. He just never really existed. He was playing the role of who he thought you wanted to see.
Now you know the type of man YOU REALLY WANT…. we often know who we don’t want. Now you know who you do want.
@Positivagirl – Thanks for another great post. You are so right – mine used to pick fights, then storm out … expecting me to follow. He was such a drama queen. What I have learned, unfortunately with run-ins with a few SPs, is that when someone trashes (pretty much) ANYONE from their past, they’ll eventually do it to you, too, when they don’t need you any more. Thanks to my spiritual advisors, my own experience, and this blog, I am now SO aware of behaviour patterns, and now my eyes are so wide open …
And, for the first time in years, I LOVE my life – so it is possible to move on and thrive after an experience with an SP.
Yay this is great news to read (about your healing and recovery) !! 🙂
I am back with my spath as good “friends”. He is a lot younger than me. All this is is a mutually beneficial exchange of companionship. He gets very depressed over personal things, no job. We click where we don’t need to do anything or go anywhere. We sit for hours just talking. Idk what I am supposed to do. I want him in my life. I made it clear that we are not a couple again. He is very secretive so now I am too! I date another person which keeps me focused. Am I nuts or what? 3 months no contact till a couple weeks ago. I want him in my life a little bit, to know that he is ok. I really care. Confusing!
Hey Bunny – I will tell you what my socio told me — he said (as we stayed friends for a very long time) he wouldn’t be friends with me if he didn’t want to be with me. Why would he be friends with me – as he (felt) that this would stop him being with another woman.
So although you just have this term of ‘friends’ be aware that he probably doesn’t see it like this. Sociopaths see relationships like possessions – ownership….. often they go nuts if you end it and that isn’t what they want.
Things could really hit the roof if he finds out that you are seeing someone else. I know that he uses the word friendship but i can guarantee this isn’t what he means at all and the amount of time that he wants to spend with you will probably escalate. Also – be aware sociopaths (not being held back by emotion) are quite smart they usually see things that others do not so if you are seeing someone else and your behaviour changes he will notice. He might not say anything now – but I doubt it will stay that way.
thank you for your insight and understanding…………….you hit the nail on the head AGAIN! your EXIT post is spot on. mine picked a fight over trivia, made a dramatic exit, then wrote a letter saying he planned it all along! because i havnt played his games, responded, showed emotion, contacted him etc he is now stalking me trying to show he is hurt and still wants me just looking for an entrance to be called back on to the stage one more to play out the scenario once again! the reason ive been able to sustain my strength in moving on is help from you and your dedication and understanding and you deserve a medal for that! do you really know how much your worth………..i bet not! i have now managed to get myself into work with women and their issues around these things and i have never felt more rewarded! the spath was a gift to me as he put me on a route that will be so rewarding ultimately. i only hope he can find peace and i wish him love and recovery but accept he may never get it! ultimately i now have realised his happiness is no longer my concern thanks to you x
What a wonderful comment Daisy. It means a lot to me to read that not only have you gained in healing – but that you have also changed on a road for work for you and are now helping others!! It is very rewarding work (I worked with homeless most of my life and worked with a lot of people either in abusive relationships or having left one). I hope (and sure that it will) this will bring you a lot of rewards. You are right his happiness is not your concern. Your happiness is. YOu will find that you more that you give to others – the more rewarded you will feel yourself. Go you!! 🙂
I hear you. The thing is you are exactly right. Truth be told, he is likely only interested in more because I say “I do not want more”. This is the only way I can “keep him in my life.” If he saw that I want more, he would discard me eventually right? My way seems like a win win for everyone. Having him in a little way is much better than ZERO. I never want him gone again. Know what I mean?
Possibly, as sociopaths do have ego. But not usually. Most of the time it isn’t about what you want. It is about what they want. Whether you have what they want. They rarely think about your needs. it is about what they want. So if he is around you – he wants something from you. Otherwise he would be seeking source of supply elsewhere! 🙂
You have trained me well for many weeks. I’m doing my best. Following you and your work has been invaluable to me…amazing support.
How am I a supply if I’m not getting involved with him? Don’t they want us to be heavily into them to then break us down and discard? I won’t be any fun to do that too since I am staying friendly. What supply is there when I am just a cool friend?
No not at all. Some sociopaths are married involved for decades (there are many victims on this site who were involved for more than 20 years). Their aim isn’t to break you down and destroy you. They don’t tend to think that far ahead. Their aim is what do you have to offer? And can they get from you what they want? It is usually more around (what is in it for me). What he wants from you – can be anything. At its most basic level – it could be companionship. But as you were involved before it is likely more than this. I cannot see that he would be previously involved in a sexual relationship (if he was) -= and not want this now. This would be pointless as he could look for alternative source of supply elsewhere.
Supply could be anything at all. Also sociopaths are quite patient and can wait to get what it is that they want. Remember that they tend to see relationships as more of ownership and possession. Right now you might feel in control. But if he is a true sociopath it is not really wise to play games – and be around him – and see someone else. This could really blow up. Sociopaths are jealous people – as they like to own and control. Control is probably one of the most important things…. well that and…. winning….
So perhaps right now… its a challenge so that he can obtain you and win…. after that who knows?
You are right. I am kind of playing with fire. Really need to rethink things through. It’s great that you were long term friends with your spath, and I deeply want that too. Sincerely I want him happy, even if it is with someone else. I want a little communication at least, to know he is ok.
Well not really Bunny as I said – you might think it is friends. he might agree to friends but that isn’t what is on his mind. In his mind he has ownership possession and control over you!!! It is playing with fire I would agree. Might be best to sort out what is going on if you are going to see someone else. If he finds out you might see the narcissistic rage occur.
I don’t even WANT to see someone else. I NEED to so I do not become dependent on the spath. Believe me, I love and want my spath, but “can’t ever totally have him”…period. I know, it’s a crazy storm I’ve contributed to.
Thank you so much for responding. I really needed this today. Thank you for being my rock! Everyone here needs you 🙂
Hi Bunnyshy 🙂
Pos is a rock & I hope you heed her warnings?
No matter what you decide, we are here but, don’t waste too much time as we don’t always get a lot & who wants to spend it in craziness!
Life is better on the other side of Soc hell & torment so, be brave & set yourself free…we don’t want to see you crash & burn 😦
Your addicted to him but, he doesn’t really exist, just a figment of you, so love yourself 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
Oh my God. This is my life these last 7 days! He was given notice to leave. The picking a fight over nothing? I have spent every moment of every day trying to figure out what is coming next! I am so exhausted! And he comes into my bed at 2 in the morning. If he does not get what he wants he stomps out, accusing me of doing something I had not even thought about, let alone done. Everything is so blatant. And the overly dramatic look on his face when he says “maybe you just don’t care enough to see the pain I am in”! Those are not even words in his vocabulary. He looked like a Broadway actor on his opening debut!
And he is now outside my bedroom door whistling, something I hate when he does it. He is not in a good mood so I know he is not doing it because he is happy. This is just a small example of how he tries to wear me down by doing something that is not abusive to anyone else, but it annoys me, and I cannot get away from him physically, so he can stress me without anyone else seeing it. I know this sounds crazy, but this is my life, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT!
Unfortunately, there is child custody involved. He is trying to send me into panic attacks just before court. This man is not benign in any way. I wish I could talk to someone, but if I even tried to explain, everyone would think I am crazy; which is what he wants.
Oh gosh Lynn it is like we have dated the same person sometimes….Is there anyway that you can get away from him so that you are not living in the same place? You really need to set some personal boundaries and some protection for yourself. As he will get off on your emotions whatever they are. What is good is that you are seeing his behaviour as it is…. and what is happening. He is weilding control over you – by making you believe that you CAN’t LEAVE you can. But I would imagine that he is using your daughter against you? You also need to go careful – as if you are coming up to court. he could exploit your emotions to make you into a nervous wreck – which could reflect badly on you in court (but he might be banking on that). Is there anyway that you could get a place of your own for your own sanity?
It is my home, so he must go. And it is my son. My innocent and wonderful son. He is using him, again, to obtain? I have come to the awful conclusion that I will never really know what he wants, I only know it is NOT my son. It is to get me, for what I don’t know. He is not capable of love.
But it is much more complicated than any of this. He has managed to completely manipulate and destroy my life long before he put any of it to good use. He simply waited two years, when I asked him to leave, then used all of the ‘made up’ evidence against me, then said if I did not take him back, he would bury me. I have spent the last 9 months trying to clear my name. I took him back to get my son back, because he scared me so bad I was convinced I could not do it without him. Now, I know he does not want my son back, nor does he want me to have him. He wants only to control me. So I gave him another 30 day notice. I will just have to wait out the threats and ‘terrorist’ plays that only I see until all of this is over.
Please say a prayer for me.
Hang in there Lynn, we are all praying & sending you strength, love & light 🙂
What a bastard but, look ahead & hold onto hope & freedom, it will be yours & you can win this battle.
It takes guts & determination to do what you have already done so, don’t give up ever.
Your worth it & so is your beautiful boy 🙂
Also, does anyone know where I can get any legal help, someone who would actually believe me when I try to explain what this man has done? I need help or he may win. My son is my life, that is why he is trying to keep him away from me. My son is only six. He should not have to pay for my mistake in picking his father.
Any advice would be gratefully accepted.
Where are you located?
Just a quick question, do you think the last sexual encounter scenario applies to the female sociopath?
What you’ve described fits perfectly with the end of our “relationship”, including the sex part which was then used as a instrument of hurt within the week.
I guess I just find it hard to comprehend that a woman would act like this and even be interested in sex if she were planning to move on, or am I just being niave?
I split with my ex LOTS of times – and he ALWAYS wanted sex night before…. strange huh. I thought it was like ownership (obviously night before I didn’t know what was about to happen next day)….
Yeah, I have no problem believing a male (as opposed to man) would do this, and although I think I’ve experience something similar, I find it hard to get my head around a female wanting a night of sex if she’s already planning to move on.
Apparently they are very similar Travis. The biggest difference really between male and female (apart from the obvious) is society and how male/female roles are expected in society (females can get away with it more easily because of the role that is expected of them in society.
Both male and female (I have read) have high sex drive. They see their victim/target as a possession that they own. So sex, is a pleasurable thing for them. They don’t feel too much – but they do in sex.
Thank you for the reminder!
Hi Pos 🙂
Great post as usual & all true 😉
I wish I had been forewarned but, alas found you after ‘I’d lost the plot’, in my confusion & anger etc…boy was I mad 😉
I am so much better now & healthier, more positive etc…I still cannot believe the mind boggling saga that I have been on, phew what a ride!
I also know I wasn’t quite at discard but, the OW cut the ties so, the rest is history. (Thank-god 😉
I am fully aware of so much more now & my eyes are fully open & it’s amazing.
I tell the story, like a story & people say,’Wow you have to write a book’ so, I am going too.
I will write about it & hopefully it will be a best seller?
Who knows, we could all be famous soon 😉 as you are definitely getting a big Thank-You & I will reference your articles & site 🙂 with your permission of course. Oh & in the movie version, I think Kate Blanchette would be a greta Positiva Girl 🙂
It doesn’t matter really but, I can imagine his face when the book comes out (anonymously of course) but, I have a conduit to him, many in fact so, he will know…ha ha 🙂
I told him a woman scorned is a mighty powerful thing so, be warned 🙂
I am not after revenge, just closure on what has been the most bizarre journey I think any of us could have imagined.
Besides I did pass his Advanced Diploma of Business Management for him so, might as well use my knowledge to my advantage 😉
The OW said I was the brains of the outfit??? LOL
Meryl Streep can play me, great actress, yet funny & witty 😉
My awareness has led me to a much higher place so, Bali here I come…eat,pray,love…
Have a great life everyone 🙂
We are all worth so much more, without us & our fantastic empathetic abilities the Soc’s cannot exist & they are the shadows that we cast when the sun shines on us 😉 🙂
Stand in the full light & there is no shadow anymore!
Love & Light 🙂
Ah dont use these articles directly PR they are copywrited this IS my book!! 🙂 Really good to hear you in such a positive frame of mind and being so happy – thats so good to see!! 🙂
I wouldn’t & would have checked first as I’m only beginning 🙂
I am so glad your book is under way & don’t forget to let me know when it’s out 😉
I expect an autographed copy by the way 🙂
I hope you are well & happy 😉
Love always my guiding light 🙂
oooh positivagirl, hope i dont have to wait too long for your book………..would love a copy! x
ha ha i love your posts! how funny you passing his Business Diploma! and your humour around the subject speaks so much of your recovery…………great stuff! x
My sociopath, my husband, was with me on Sept 6 for my birthday and left me on Sept 7 in the morning. His birthday was on the 15th and he let me know he planned on getting “laid” for his birthday and not by me. On the 12th he texted me until 3 am on Friday and even told me I should be there holding his cock. I told him I was going to sleep. He then texted me on Friday the 13th and told me had a date at 6 pm and couldnt wait. She was spending the weekend with him for his birthday.
He spent two weekends with her and then called me to see me on the third weekend and said we needed to work on our marriage. I met him and it was magic, he told me how he wanted me to come for my man and want our marriage to work. He was in love with me and I have always been the ONE. He asked me to go home with him and then I spent the entire weekend with him. He let her know never to call him again and then after she had texted him on Sat morning he told me to take care of it and I informed her we were back together. She told me we were both liars and cheater (which was funny since he was my husband) but of course he told her I was a cheater to justify what he was doing.
I had a hysterectomy on that Monday and he is a truck driver and was not there. He did call the hospital and me to check on me, even said he loved me. He continued for 3 days, then told me he was having a check bounce and needed money. Stupid me gave him $1450 and even drove when I was not suppose to deposit it. Of course he swore to me that he would pay me back the next week before the 10th for my house payment.
Well on thurs he broke up with me on the phone, tired of my shit again, blah,,blah. Meanwhile I’m trying to recover. He invited her to go with him on the truck that nite and spent the weekend with him. Even picked up the camper that we picked out and bought from the dealership.
He then sent me an email and told me he would pay me on the 9th. He then texted for me to call him when I did he said he had to talk to his atty, he then texted and told me he was advised not to pay me.
My attorney called his atty and his atty told him that he told him to pay me and that he(my husband) had paid me. It was all a lie. Now his atty is mad he lied to him and said we would have to wait to go to court on Nov 15. The divorce has been filed since Aug, he had tried to dismiss it twice but I had already filed my answer and he couldnt do it with me.
Now he is back with the new gf. Her two boys have moved out and in with their dad because she needs to have “her own life”. Boy did that sound familiar when he wanted my kids out and then made them get their own cell phone plans.
He has already begun the isolation with her, and she is telling she has never been treated so special in her whole life. Flowers at work, just like me, the calling, just like me..its all the same pattern.
She has already met the whole family and I know his mom will not approve since he is still married. Just like she didnt approve of me. I was the same girl, the ONE just one year ago.
The new girl has a home thats paid for and I’m sure he will move her into his moms house, where he lives, because he has nothing and make her sell her house and then take the money to pay off his bills or to buy him a new semi which he wanted and then his mom will kick her out of her house ( she always cleans up his train wrecks) and she will be homeless and broke.
I am his 7th wife, plus he has kids with 2 women he did not marry. She will no doubt be number 8 by the end of the year. And the process starts again. Yet all of the exes, who he still has contact with, are crazy and has issues he just couldnt live with.
It is hard for me to let go. He was wonderful to me when he wanted to be, but he picked fights over nothing and was always womanizing. I have not contacted him since last Weds, which I’m proud of and hes been with her, but I’m sure when she goes to work tomorrow he will check to see if I have emailed him. I’m not sure what his reaction with be. Surprised I’m sure…maybe not, he may feel good she got the hint and is leaving me alone…But I am wondering if he will contact me or wait until the divorce now. After he left me stuck for my house payment at the worse possible time and took all the the money I had saved for my bills while I recovered that was the final straw. He knew how important that money was to me so it was part of his control and is dragging it out until November when we go to court. I have the email promise to pay so he will have to pay me. But who knows how long that will take.
Just wondering what others think his reaction will be to me not bothering him with emails and if it will provoke him to contact me?
Thanks for listening..I am healing. God bless you from the evils of the Sociopath.
Hi Genie, our stories sound so much alike. My divorce was final on Oct. 2nd, he left me for his ex ( that had a order of protection on him) too, after just 10 months of marriage. My SP filed for divorce with all the wrong information that was his way of control so I would accept the things he was doing, his bad behavior. When I finally realize who and what he is I CUT MY LOSES! I needed to get out, the more research I have done I realize that my life was in danger. I was broke I wasn’t prepared for the discarded. I just borrow money from family and friends because I had to get an alarm system and cameras. When my SP realize that I have hated for him he was concern he tried to play with me with our attorneys but I wouldn’t respond. After he put dirt and other things in the pool, destroying my Louis Vuitton bag I would not respond to him. He tried the day we went to court sitting in his car waiting to see if he saw me. But he saw me with a bodyguard and he had all the traits of a SP loosing control. He was actually done with me from that point because I’m not playing his game. I miss the FAKE relationship and its hard sometimes I will cry because I’m hurt . But I know this is the best thing for me no contact. So, once he realize your not playing his game he will not contact you no time soon. Plus I have a restraining order on him and while we were in court he wanted the same I was like fine! That protects me from his lies, deception, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. At the end of the day I want to live my life and I want to be alive. My SP does not control his emotions well and I was very scared when I started reading about SP. So do you really want to hear from him? We are human and I want him to miss me to but actually understanding SP they are not capable of it. So cry and move on!!!! I will be praying for you because I though he was the only one that can just discard a marriage with no thought!!! But, I guess it’s more people out there than I thought.
TY for your thoughts and your prayers. You are a strong woman and I am glad to see you are recovering from your SP abuse. It is best for NO contact and to be able to move on. We are so much better off, getting over them is hard, but we deserve so much more than walking on the eggshells they spread out for us. It is nothing but a game to them. Sad for them that they are not capable of seeing us for the good women we are. God Bless
Wow! It’s been 3 weeks and we’ve had no contact. I actually ended saying I was done after I found porn in his phone again. After he put his hands on me for the 3rd time (really more than that. I had put him in jail 2x and this will be the 3rd- strike 3 DV he will go to the penitentiary). If convicted, but I am pressing charges this time. 6 days after we split up he had my nieces friend sitting on his lap and hugged up in pictures with her at a party. My niece posted them on FB. I feel like an open sore
I am his new source. I thought I was the one, his one and only, the special one, but I’m just his newest source. He still on contact with his exwife, with his ex girlfriend (whom he cheated with me), and now I think he is already looking for his new source. Everybody is warning me, but I’m lost.
Go. Re-read what you just wrote. See? You know it already. Go.
Hi Wish, why are you lost? It’s your choice to stay & you know what your doing.
The OW’s are all the proof I would need but, it is your life so, make the journey to find out why you would want to stay & for what, more heartbreak.
Good Luck, Love & Light 🙂
Get out now. I learned the hard way, also, that if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. I thought I was different. Some level of human ego is normal, and our human ego wants to believe we are “the one” but look at the facts. write it out on paper. make it black and white. I promise you are better off.
@ Wish – YES , I agree with Gaslighted – get out NOW! Any man who cultivates or pursues a relationship, whether or not there is physical infidelity, will cheat on you as well. (this is absolutely emotional infidelity) I hate to say it – I thought I was “different and special” too. I thought he was my friend, but as it turns out, he was grooming me so he had someplace to go when shit hit the fan with his OTHER ex-gf (even though there wasn’t physical infidelity). And when he got bored of me, and I asked him to man up and to be accountable, he started grooming another woman (and later married her) all while keeping me around by talking about “our future” together.
And remember, what little morality they have is very fluid, and changes according to what they need.
Stop participating, cut him loose before he cuts you loose.
Wish, I was the new source too! Now he is back with the ex!!!! We actually got married it doesn’t matter!!! When he was leaving now we are get a divorce because now I’m done, he pushed those boundaries. This nut say what’s wrong with being friends? That’s because he still want me to play his game so when he get bored with her he can come back. But now I know who and what he is, I didn’t know before so yes I’m thinking I’m the one because that is what he was showing me and telling me. Look he went as far as to marry me to play his game! Be careful!!!! This is a dangerous game!!!! Do you want to be part of this????
re that beforehand fight …….. I remember watching it all happen in slow motion in front of me. I let him know I didn’t want a romantic relationship. I watched him turn it around on me Don’t let the door ” …..blahblahblah. As once quite cool . .. He was so calm. I was not that attached to him, thank the Goddess, (I should have been. He absconded with more than 60K while I was not vigilant enough.)however, the reality of how someone could purposely be so awfully hurtful to another person had me in tears. He laughed.
It broke my heart.
Am sorry Katee and sorry to hear that you went through that. 60k is a lot of money…. I bet you never got it back either? They have no thought or feeling for anybody else except themselves. If there is no supply for them – they are not interested. How they can lie and steal like that, just take what they want…. and then have no remorse about it either. 😦
YES. The money will make the difference of independence or not in my later years , which are NOW. He will not care, of course. NO REMORSE. My children will have to absorb the burden. NOT what I planned at all. He doesn’t care at all. Obviously, I am not healing yet. Love to all who struggle with this issue. Thank you to postivagirl for the work you do.
Welcome to this wonderful, supportive site that Pos has created 🙂
You can rebuild & I know how hard this is first hand but, money isn’t everything although, I’d rather be rich & lonely,rather than poor & discarded but, alas we have each other 🙂
You can do anything you put your mind too & the light will come back into the darkest of days. 🙂
I had to rebuild from scratch after 19 years of a failed & dysfunctional marriage, left me high & dry & then I rebounded for the next 10 into the predators arms. Fortunately he didn’t rip me off, nothing to rip really…except my heart & rip he did 😦
Still here we all are, & you know what?
I am better than I’ve ever been & stronger 🙂
Just turned 50 & it’s taken all this to shake me from my dysfunctional life into me 🙂
I like me, I am okay & you will be as well.
Stay strong & concentrate on yourself.
You deserve better & he’s an ass but, he’s one of many Eeyore’s 😉
Love & Light 🙂
When I get into some long conversation with myself in my own mind………….. I remember that the short story is ………………….. they always lie. ALWAYS.
Alamo, ca (outside of SF). And Thank you for the prayers and kind words. They offer more strength than you know. Hugs!
Thanks a lot for this post it gives me a lot of aha,s i understand more and more and i got so much support and strenght of this site everyday.
you help so many of us.its great work!i,m now 3 months out of the fake relation.and finally feeling i,m me again still with pain but the happy me is rising up out of the pain.Tnx positiva
Yay good for you E’s and well done being 3 months into recovery and finding you and your life again.
TNX and love to you positvagirl
Thank you for this post – I asked my SP to leave three weeks ago on Saturday and he shouted at me before calmly taking a bath and having a shave (which he never used to do at weekends) packing a bag of clothes and calmly walking out. Luckily he was living in my house so I have kept a roof over my head although he owes me £ 1000s. The thing I find SOOO difficult is that I need closure, I like to talk things through, to be able to move on and, having read posts on this site since I found it after the break up, I realise that will never happen. Every night I read this site, since that is when I miss him most and it helps so much to know that I am not missing a real person, just the image of one he made up. I have been in contact with him, due to a couple of bills that need sorting, but have been evasive with him. The only way I can finish it in my head is to test him using tactics learnt on here and hey presto! Without fail he behaves as predicted. I am hoping one day I can just delete him completely which will be the day I have healed. I am just not quite ready yet, not for him but for me. Does this make sense?
Hi lulu, You know that you need to delete him completely and establish no contact so that you can heal.
It is like an addiction. When he gives you a little that is enough until the next time you need your fix.
Going no contact – is a short term pain for long term gain. Yes it will be painful at first…. but….it will be worth it also. Can you do this – as you might contact him for little things….. but all this is doing is delaying the final outcome – which is really delaying YOUR life…
Why put off healing and living your life. You know he wont change. You will never get closure from him so it is a waste of time trying…. you have to get to a space where you have the time to focus on you.
It’s not like an addiction….it is an addiction! Noone likes whatever “drug” they are addicted to,if ya think about it. Do we even like these people we are addicted to?
Exactly! These guys hurry as much as possible to have sex with us. This way we have no time to think if we even like them or not. This guy was awkward looking and acting in public. He had other mental issues, one being major paranoia. He wasn’t attractive and I didn’t like him right away at all. I planned on never seeing him again. But we talked for hours and OF COURSE things changed. His fake self was GREAT! Lol 😀
Hi Bobbie J 🙂
Smee again 😉
Yes, it’s an addiction that was especially crafted for you 😦
Like an addiction, you have to break the habit, really hard but, doable.
My tried & tested way was to stop the triggers so, I avoided places we went, foods we ate, wine we drank, clothes I wore, perfume he gave me, stopped using a designer purse he gave me etc…I cut the ties & bit by bit the addiction lifted.
It is hard going, I even drove a different way to work, played “power music’, did affirmations, went to therapy, took meds & came here for support.
I win, am at acceptance & guess who called me yesterday (lol) yep, 10 months later….ahh, too little too late…I was with this fool for 10 years & he tried to destroy me 😦
He rang to apologise blah blah…I will write about it soon but, am still floored by his audacity yet, you would be proud of me.
I was so in my own power, no wonder my daughter calls me ‘wonder woman’…he told me he misses me (I told him, he should as I’m fantastic 🙂
I wasn’t being vain, I am….I win & I am the Pheonix & I have risen & it feels fanbloodytastic!
Keep going, your life is in your hands so, make the most of it.
hello lulu, does “testing” involve contact and things as if so i think this will definately impede your healing. if “testing” involves checking his profile and behaviour against the things learnt and described here and in books etc without contact then i have found that very helpful to confirm WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW but it helps to have others experience when you doubt and dither which is what my spaths behaviour made me do because he was always switching and gaming. so if thats your testing i think that is pretty usual. i also understand about taking your own pace and time of healing as it hurts badly to let go and cut of in your mind immediately though i dont feel you must have any contact while slowly pacing yourself and letting go. i would love to have full closure, talks, reasoned understanding and finally once again say to my spath that i truly wish him well and despite the premeditated pain he put me through (and enjoyed) that i have no ill feeling. this i cannot do. it is not possible.no point fantasizing over it EVER! dont think you are any different from any of us here but i cannot stress the importance of no contact for healing no matter how slow you want to pace your healing and letting go. good luck x
Hi – this reply is to both of you, if that is ok… I have checked him out a bit for my sanity’s sake and to see what does and what does not add up in the three years I was with him. I know I have had a lucky escape compared to some and I have a lot of people around me to keep my mind on other things BUT…. there are so many discrepancies creeping out now – he said he owned a house, he rented a flat, he said he was a company director, he was on benefits – it is all coming together so I guess that is what I mean by testing.I just need to prove to myself that my gut was right very early on. But yes I have had contact, he is on my FB, and texts and skypes me. He never calls but then he never really did!!! I don’t respond often and when I do it is very vague. I will never go back to him but it is definitely the closure I am struggling with….eeeek! Why do they pick on nice people, can’t they have their own club or something, it’s SO frustrating!
Phoenix!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this! 10 months later? What is wrong with these serpents! They are so obviously obvious in some ways. I love it! 10 months later!!!! love it!
Hi Bobbie J 🙂
I have sent an email to Pos so, I hope she shares it with you all?
Yes, 10 months later after 10 years he called. Completely self-deluded & typical Soc/Narc, thinks he can just call & tell me he thinks about me daily.
Must be trouble in paradise with the OW?
What a wicked wicked little man, I am well rid of his garbage!
You will understand if the email come up. My original story is back under ‘ my story’ post in older comments back in Junev14th. If you can be bothered, have a read.
I still cannot believe the audacity he had after what he did, too call. Like he was doing me a favor!
Completely nuts, loopy la la crazy moron!
I am free Bobbie, can’t wait to see your healing transitioning. Stay NC & talk soon.
I am in Australia so, time for bed as I have work tomorrow.
Love PR xoxo
Wow, this is exactly what happened to me, two years ago. I could for the life of me not understand it then and I was devastated. Wish I had found this site back then. I am quite educated on sociopaths now, but one thing always amazes me: no matter their different personalities, backgrounds etc, they all do the same things, in EXACTLY the same ways. Pretty weird…
Yes – like Robots!!! 🙂
Mine has a new gf. I saw some radiant, lovey dovey pictures on FB of the two of them. And I have to admit: I was a bit jalous. Could it really be that with her he he managed to stay mr Wonderful? Until I recently heard of his serial cheating and lying in this relationship as well. And the lies were even more outrageous than with me. I even had to laugh on how ridiculous and hysterical the lies were (he invented a whole new life story to one of the girls, quite an adventurous and heroic one even). So conclusion: he (and other spats) never ever change!
I even wonder of they get worse, more manipulative with age…?
Yes, it’s like we all been dating and married to the same person. It’s very scary!!!!!!
We have been dating the same person, his name is Sociopath, they are all robotic,repetitive,predictable, shadowy & awful but, we are so much better because we are not them 🙂
Hi Nina 🙂
With age they tire more but, the game is the same & they are very good at it no-matter what age 😦
Mine is 58 & still out there creating havoc but, I am free & that must be our mantra, FREE, FREE, FREE 😉
I think also that with age they get more dangerous bc they seem to get better at manipulating and conning. An example. I found it weird/alarming that my ex (not ex at the time) seemed to feel quite indifferent towards his exes. Usually there’s always one that broke your heart, right? So I asked him: “Were you ever heartbroken?” (I would have liked to hear a yes and a somewhat sensitive story) But he said: “No, but I’ve always ended it.” Me: “Yeah, okay, but still, you can miss them. Or be sad.” He looked at me like I was from the planet Mars, and then said with a smile. “O yes, there was this one girl at uni. I liked her, but she did not like me. But a few weeks later I had someone else.” (he is 36).
So I was a bit shocked to hear the stories he told a new victim: how some girl a few years had broken his heart so badly that he left his country of birth to live on some idyllic islands for several months. None of it is true!!!
But I think he consciously noted: she (me) was disappointed for lack of romantic story, must provide for a story like that, as it will soften girls.
When I heard this story, however sad for his new victim that it were all lies, I could not help but laugh. His stories are just getting more hilarious…
Aside from what they do, I feel the lying is the worst part. They live double quadruple lives, keeping everything in separate little compartments. They’re like “oh I’ll reveal this but the other I have to hide , gotta lock that down”. I feel like mine is never at his apartment (doesn’t look lived in) but actually living somewhere else. Makes me ill and I am seeing him again like a moron!
Hi Nina 🙂
My Soc originally was very anti his ex wife (never divorced) but, because I was not party to him devaluing her, he soon changed his attitude. I had been left by my husband for another woman so, I empathized with his ex wife. He also tried to put down his ex mistress whom I knew also & once again I did not like it & he adapted his attitude to my benefit.
He also said after 25 years marriage that he never loved her 😦 I thought that was terrible as I told him. He said he’d never felt true love 😦 I felt sorry for him & years later asked if he loved me & he said, “I feel something like love for you”??? That was enough for me to hang onto because of his behavior I was never sure if I loved him either.
I did however like him a lot & truly valued his friendship. I was shocked by the events that led to my discard but, I don’t think he was actually ready to get rid of me but, he had to placate the new woman once she realized I existed. My story is on that section back in June 14th in older comments if you want full picture of me 🙂
I tried to contact his ex-wife to expose him & discuss his Sociopathy but, never heard back from her. I did contact his es-mistress to apologies for any pain I caused her as she did warn me this was his modus operandi!
I had just been dumped by my husband so, he was like my knight in shinning armor & I didn’t listen 😦 she was lovely & gracious & 17 years his senior.
I also contacted an ex girlfriend who warned me as he had called her behind my back but, I chose to believe his lies rather than her truth 😦 I apologised to her as well for not believing her & we made our peace 🙂
I also lost another great friend that warned me & I am working on contacting her but, a lot of water under the bridge after 10 years but, I am truly sorry he wreaked so much havoc for me & my good friends…
Luckily I managed to keep him away (yes deliberately) from others that have been a great support to me through all of this saga so, phew lucky 🙂
I kept him away from them because, something in me sensed that he wasn’t all he pretended to be & voila here I am ;)…besides he was a party pooper!!! 😉
Love & Light,
Hi, mine is also 58 & no doubt has new source of supply or looking for it. He was gettg very tired towards end of rship, it made sense if he was being unfaithful, spending time with me & someone else. It is good to be free free i agree with u. No one lookg over shoulder askg who sms’s & listeng to phone calls. 🙂 love & light
Hi Dragonfly 🙂
It is great to be free of the endless texting & phone calls etc…mine would constantly text whilst I was with him & now I realise it was probably to OW’s makes me glad I’m free of his blatant schmoozing under my nose…I thought he was doing business as he’s a car dealer as well as a Commander in the fire dept…now we know the truth!
I am at acceptance now & often still recall things but, the effect is one of resignation & I just move on from the thought & feel sorry for the OW because he will be doing it to her 😦
The freedom I feel now is wonderful & I’m actually happy so, everyone else here has this to look forward too including you 🙂
Love & light 😉
A email not to be sent, why? Because I found your website and know now what happened. So this is a exercise in no contact.
Im not blocked and you know how I know that (please see attached photo of cycle of abuse)
I was wrong so wrong about you, your not borderline like me, your a sociopath
https://datingasociopath.com/2013/10/13/the-sociopath-exit-strategy/ after reading that I was in tears its you to a T.. the whole site is you to a T.
I never said I was with another man how could I ever be? You controlled everyone I spoke to, or rather. I did, with your guidance that is. I was under your thumb, you mirrored who I was to seem perfect. Broken and trying like me. The real you though is the man who screamed and yelled and threatened me. You lie to get what you want, manipulate to get what you want.
You are the actual cheat, and somehow you think you will convince me otherwise then what my own eyes tell me? I wonder who the new girls you added to fb are.
Actually no I don’t, they are the ones you’re sticking your dick into, the new victims. Enjoy yourself. Know however that you did not win, I will rebuild my life… and i’m not under your control anymore. I know who you are now. You do not scare me.
My man, the funny sweet and broken man the man who liked the same stuff as me, the one who was so attentive, who knew so much about me. Wasn’t real… You are right in only one way. You are a habit, nothing more. So now I am entering rehab.
Thank you life for this site existing. You saved my life. Or rather I will now…
Shadow what a fantastic comment. You know I read your comment and was a bit spooked at first as it could have been written by me, your experiences mirror my own. Welcome to the site and thank you for your comment. I had to read it twice as I thought it was my ex – being sarcastic to me. Welcome to rehab!! 🙂
Hi Positiva Girl & Shadow & PR, Wow, Shadow, what a fab comment too, it sounded like my ex too writing to me a sarcastic letter to me, at first. I am no contact for 2 mths now after 2 1/2 years of crazy on & off, volatile Rship with my now ex Narc. He upset 3 of my friends & I lost another 2 to him, but they were not true friends anyway, had their own issues. He’s had arguments, started them, with 3 of my friends! & was rude to another, who’s my best friend now. I see her 3 nites a week, as she senses i get lonely & she feels for me. She says he has paranoia, he never trusted me & projected all his negatives, paranoia, anger onto me, as i’m easy going, soft hearted person. I know he’s addictive too. I have sensed his adrenaline dark energy a few times since breakup. He is sticking to No Contact, much more this time. As he could not handle me going back to my 3 friends plus attending the church he forbid me to attend. And as i refused to change my home phone number, to placate his wishes. He paranoid that ex’s, & my friends would call me on it. When they know they cant control you, their dark nasty side comes out & the happy kind caring side was just a facade, copy, like Ronald McDonald pic on one of your posts, very apt. It is hard to let go of some of the happy, good times, romantic side of him, we had the romantic passion, chemistry i was always looking for in a relationship & that he would do handyman work around the house & did some cooking for me. Anger & arguments, belittling, tantrums were escalating, they outweighed the good happy times we had. My new counsellor is very good & understanding of my situation. I sense that my ex will not contact me again, perhaps ever, it is easier for me that he is cutting the cord & also sticking to No Contact. This is the longest he has stayed out of no Contact, ever, in 2 1/2 years! I taking photos of us together out of my photo albums & put them all in the garage in a cupboard out of the way now. My ex started argument in middle of nite, woke me up & stormed out, of my life, 1.am in morning, 2 mths ago, he angry that i hadn’t changed my home no yet. I thought things were ok but he was restless, edgy, more argumentative in the preceding 2 wks before breaking up & spirit, god told me that he would be leaving me soon, he will be outside your sphere of influence now, lessons are learnt etc. So i knew it was coming. I couldn’t cope with constant verbal, emotional abuse, isolating from my friends, anger, sarcasm, broken record same negative conversations everyday. He had to go, I had enough, my soul wanted feedom at last. Even though i miss true intimacy, company, a man to love & respect me, accept me for who i am. We all deserve true love, respect, honour. At least we have time to heal, work on our selves, be authentic now. I’m busy seeing my friends & church, volunteer work, no time for a boyfriend at moment. I have 3 platonic male friends. My heart, soul hasn’t healed yet, taking time. I enjoy my friends but my heart does feel empty, quite often still but i never try to ring or contact him now. I feel sad if i think of happy times so i think of the bad times, controlling, that helps me to let go of him, as he was only a facade, he wasn’t real, like most of you know. Its like we dated the same man, creepy yes. Love, light to all, God Bless, Dragonfly
Oh my goodness mine married me too. We’ve been married just 7 months and we split 3 weeks ago. Now he’s a predator. They all are
Oh my goodness mine married me too. We’ve been married just 7 months and we split 3 weeks ago. Now he’s a predator. They all are
I have not contacted him since last Weds. Does that upset him or is he just so into the new gf that he dont care and glad he told me he would not be contacting me again?
As he has a new girlfriend he has a new source of supply. However just because he says that he won’t contact you again these are just words…. and they very often do show up again.
Use this time to focus on you and rebuilding your life. Take one day at a time. Well done you also for doing no contact since last Wed…. but stick to it for YOU….. and if he contacts you…. stick with your no contact.
as he has infiltrated my old circle of friends, whom he didnt even hang out with while we were dating, what would you consider that in the process, besides annoying and crazy.
-a connection to me
-a means of shaming (by making me uncomfortable to communicate with them)
? Curious what “category” this would fall under, as I now can only think of his disgusting face when I see their names, instead of the friendship I had with them, if that makes sense.
It has been almost 4 months NC, yet he feels the need to be “friends” with people he didnt even know or hang out with before? Coincidentally, all are people who know me? whats with that.
All of the above. But break it down into a more simple term. Then you will understand what is really going on.
What is important to them is
You know that they use two primary emotions Love and Fear to manipulate and control you. They use (fake) love to manipulate and fear to control.
Get me so far?
What he is doing is showing how big he is….. and trying to establish control and winning (being more important than you) he is still playing the game. Do you know what my advice is – to let it go…. This is why I say to be wary of ‘mutual’ friends. To find one person that you can confide in and trust – and only people who are 100% on your side. I wrote a really long post about this, but I cant find it. I have to get this into a book so that i can reference where the posts are to find them.
Take time out from mutual friends. Prepare for the worst too…. remember never justify yourself. Those who believe in you require no evidence of your worth….. for those who do not believe… no evidence will ever be necessary and those are not your real friends.
He doesn’t care about these people. It is a way of getting to you. Also to manipulate you. I hope that you are sticking to no contact. Otherwise there will be further games and mental head torture as he WILL say …. ‘this person said this…’ and ‘oh this person told me this about you’… or ‘Oh I didn’t know this about you, I heard from’….
He will use this as a way to get at you and torture your mind. it is very effective too. Maybe if these people are on your social networking sites – block so that they cannot see your statuses your wall or any information about you. It is important that information about you is not filtered back to the sociopath (or he will use this to manipulate and control you).
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know how painful it can be. Its just more of the sociopath games and disheartenly that he still hasn’t let go of you. Sociopaths love to control and are possessive – I think they like to take your friends to leave you isolated and to show their control over you. How much bigger than you they are. How you must be wrong because they like you more. BUT – remember this…
He would have assessed them and mirror them
He is probably lying to them
He is being everything that they want to see and hear
If you get caught up in this it can REALLY cause anxiety, panic and can play games with your mind and make you feel so worthless…. restrict access to your page (and try not to look at theirs)…. he is just playing a game. By not removing them as friends (i did this) you are not playing into his hands …. of isolating yourself further.
This post might help? https://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/exploiting-the-victims-weakness-to-keep-control/ruining-smear-campaigns-and-third-party-abuse/
Thank you, yes, that makes complete sense:
I am glad to hear that I have instinctively been proactive by 1) not deleting them from facebook because of your exact reason (giving them control through another person) and 2) blocking their posts so I dont have to read “so and so is tagged with so and so!”. That was how I chose to handle it this past week.
I have since cut contact with mutual friends when I established no contact with him (which, yes, I am still way no contact…i changed my number 2 months ago so he can really only reach me via email if he so chooses). I have been keeping the group I confide in, very small..and of course, all of you. Most people are sick of hearing about it, and quite frankly, most days I am sick of talking about it and breathing more energy into it. However, as we all know, we have amazing days, and then not so great days…so I am grateful to have a place to come and vent, judgment free.
The good thing is, she (or, they) arent really good friends. I sensed her back stabbing me a long time ago, and have drifted. So, all she knows about me is hear say from others we are both mutually friends with. None directly from me. He at one point told me, that his connection to her was only to get close to me. But, now realizing that everything the sociopath does is a game and manipulation, maybe he just said that to get to me? To get under my skin? Maybe he sees her as completely separate..
I wondered whether I was reading too far into it or blowing it out of proportion…It seemed like an odd assumption on my part, to assume his connection to her was primarily based on me, since we have had no contact. Since we have had no contact, naturally, my mind goes to:
1) i am out of sight, out of mind (which, i probably am)
2) anything he does it not related to me, its related to him, so maybe he is seeing her because he wants to (selfish reasons) and not because he knows i dont like her and deliberately sought out a relationship with her (to whatever level)
Mostly I was just sort of confused because, how can someone who literally makes no effort to stay in contact in any way, shape or form be trying to do it through a third party? Isn’t that a lot of work? Is that really a stretch on my part to imagine that? Or are they that capable of being crazy (I guess I already know the answer to that). Maybe it is just something I make up in my head to convince myself I am still relevant? These are just a few thoughts that go through my mind when I hear things like that.
The confirmed, underlying theme in all of this is: He hasnt and wont change. I am just grateful he isnt practicing on me anymore, although it still makes me sick. You know, the woman he has reconnected with was a woman he swore off, cut ties with, “discarded” and lied about up and down when we were together. And here we are, prancing around facebook together like they are good ole pals.
I will never openly give either of them the satisfaction or power. On the surface, everyone will see me living a fantastic life (which, I am extremely grateful for and blessed). Inside, I am hurting and confused. Thank god for my new M.A.C lipstick that makes my smile shine from miles away.
Im having a rough day today. I don’t know why. Totally left field.
I am angry. Scared. I feel negatively connected to him. I want to cry. And scream.
I am having a hard time in my new “life”, too, as I have been experiencing a world of changes in the last 2 months.
I want this day to pass. I want this feeling to pass. I want to open my eyes and be out of this. I am so afraid I will never be happy or fulfilled. I am so afraid I will constantly be running or chasing. I’m mad at myself. What did I do.
Hey GL sending you a huge hug. You are not on your own you have us here, and we all understand how you are feeling.
Try to stay with the present. Right now for that is all that you have control over. Don’t let your mind wander back to the past – as this will not help…. and dont think about the future. I promise that if you stay with RIGHT NOW today – it DOES work.
I know this as after my daughter died i went through one hell of a time in the hospital a horrific event that went on for nearly a week…. after this I was left so traumatised that literally all that I had was RIGHT NOW.. Tomorrow literally didn’t exist I operated at first in such short blocks of time. (the rest was literally a white space)
So when i talk of being with the present I do know that it works. It happened to my brain without my consent – as I was severely traumatised. But it was the biggest lesson for me about staying with the present. I had heard it – knew about the power of now (you are what you think) — ect but I actually experienced it for a long time for real.
When people asked me how did you cope? That was how…. as I was right in the present. if you catch your mind wandering…. STOP…. Focus on Right now…. what is happening in your life right now? For you here is my favourite poem….
desiderata – by max ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920
thank you so much, and thank you for the poem. I have read it once (just now) and will likely be reading it a few more times.
I cant even imagine what you went through with your daughter…but trauma, although on so many different levels, can be handled the same way. Taking it one day at a time helps. I feel like I am back in a bit of a fog (not a confusion fog)…just a fog. Like, I dont know what the next year will bring. I dont know what I am really doing. I took a calculated risk (with this huge lifestyle/career/cross country move) but am feeling sort of depressed as I am letting go of all the familiar. I know this is a sociopath blog, but I do lean on quite a few of you for support, even if it is just reading what others post, and not posting every day. So, I really appreciate you and everyone here for the support you have given.
I just want to know I will pull out of this. I am afraid I will get tired of treading water. Its that feeling. I want to see the shore. I want to feel my feet under neath me again. I want to know which way is up.
I often wonder, am I making a mistake? Is there a such thing? How can so many people tell me to embrace what I am doing, yet underestimate the discomfort that comes with massive change and release? I am having a hard time coping with it…
I didn’t know that you had moved GL. I am planning to move away hopefully early next year. Just to start again. I am scared – as it will be leaving my city. But so much has happened – that it is the only way for me to move forward just to start again. For peace of mind more than anything.
So as i sit on the other side – a person who is thinking of doing it (moving away) you need to ask yourself – and remind yourself – why did you move away. What were the reasons for you feeling that you wanted to have a fresh start?
Did you have plans and dreams? I am sure that you did. Get pen to paper and be creative – perhaps you are feeling a sense of loss – that it doesn’t feel the way that you thought it would in your dreams?
Also when you say that he is now friends with your friends…. I am presuming that you mean where you lived before? In your last location? Try not to focus on this. I am on the other side and have experienced this – and it is why I am leaving.
Start making some goals for yourself. This will help you to feel that you are progressing in life – and achieving and might help you not to focus so much on the past.
A new beginning requires new goals, new targets and its important to feel that you are achieving.
If you feel that right now you are treading water and you are tired of it. Maybe this is a sign to you – that you are ready for some fresh challenges in life.
First you have to overcome fear – as it is only fear and you that is holding you back (and you) Do you have work in your new location? Do you like it if you do? And if you don’t what about education? Is there anything you would like to learn and study in?
What i don’t want you to do is to feel that you have moved away – and are now alone whilst he is living YOUR old life with your friends. As this will torture you. Writing lists…. Helps…. it helps you to focus your mind when your head is lost in the cloud of confusion (remember nobody stays confused forever).
Can you write a list….. a list of goals for you – and tasks. This will be something for you to work towards.
You WILL come out the other side. Remember that ANY relationship of that length of time – is going to take some healing (even if it wasn’t an abusive one) its a long time. It will take work and effort to find the new you – but – this can be FUN!! 🙂
Change can be stressful – for anybody. What it sounds like you need is something to look forward to. So get the lists out and create what you want and find something to work towards. This should help you with the ‘treading water’ feeling. As at least you will be taking back control and doing ‘something’…. rather than just treading water.
@Pos – yes, thank you.
My goals and dreams are/were centered around this move for the last few years. It had been something I only dreamed of, and jumped head first into once things ended with the soc. We maintained no contact since June, as he was trying to get me back (and screwing others at the same time, as I found out) and the day I heard from the others, I committed to getting the hell out of there. Primarily because I was deathly afraid for the first few weeks (I’m sure you remember those posts), and also because I had just out grown the town. I was sick of being around places that reminded me of him. I dont want to say he was the only reason I left, because I chose a different lifestyle in an amazing state that supports my career way more than my state does now. I was fortunate to have a mentor on the other side helping me make the move and assure me I will be taken care of. So far, I have been, although it is still extremely lonely to leave everything behind.
Regarding “friends” he has connected with, yes, old friends. Not friends I am actually “friends” with..but the people who share mutual friends who have a slight “in” to my existence. And, well, now that EVERYTHING has changed for me, by deliberate choice, the only people who have an “in” are the people I chose to let in. That makes for very few people.
I feel like I took my life that fit into a box and literally dumped all the contents out. All the big objects, small objects, fillers, connections..whatever you want to call it. And now I am sitting here, with an empty box, picking and choosing the experiences/people/places/connections I want in it. Some days it is so liberating, and some days it is so daunting.
In the past 9 months I have lost two of my best friends that I spoke to multiple times a day (and still dont talk to, after trying to reconnect), quit my dream job, moved out of my state, broke up with the on again off again soc of 10 years, broke up with previous boyfriend to re-connect with soc.
I lost my mind when i was with him. I destroyed some relationships that were really important to me. I lost myself completely. I know I cant go back, I can only go forward and I do whole heartedly believe this move and career change was the best for me, but holy crap it is challenging. I wouldn’t even recognize myself anymore if i looked at “me” from a year ago.
I know I am struggling once in a while with this move, on top of everything I experienced this year, but I can tell you I still believe it was the best move for me, and may very be the best move for you, too. Aside from getting lonely and the discomfort of it all, it is liberating, freeing and so enjoyable most days. I will try to make lists…although the trouble with that is, I am sort of unsure what direction I want to go anymore. I am sort of unsure of who I am. I am unsure on what I stand for. It’s like, I lost that fire and sense of confidence when I sold all my things, gave it all up to start over. I am in the phase of completely re-creating myself. Blank canvas. Which is a fun thought, but also exhausting most days because I am so afraid of making a “wrong” move, if there is such a thing.
Sorry that this post isnt as “soc” directed as some of the others, but this is the real, true aftermath of rebuilding yourself and your life after exiting a traumatic relationship…when you actually look in the mirror and see yourself and your life for what it is, outside of the illusion. This is what life is when the sociopath is out of your every day life.
what an amazing woman you are! I also have made some massive life changes in my past (before the soc) and although they were hard at first, the liberation and strength that i feel from them now are forever. I actually think that is what has given me an advantage over the soc and the reason he left so quickly (20 months we were together) because he realized that i was a lot stronger than he first thought and therefore not completely breakable. Or should i say i wasn’t prepared to give up everything for him/to him.
What I am saying, is that when you get past the worst of this, Which you will, know that what you have done by changing your life is an amazingly strong and wonderful thing and you can now do anything. Well done you! You will not regret this because even if in 1 2 or 3 years you move back and go back to your old life, you had the inner strength to follow your desire for a better future. No one can take that away from you. Ever!
You really are a strong woman. And impressive! and what is also fantastic is that you obviously have an intelligent inbuilt intuition that you listened to and followed which was the right advice.
My Soc ended it 4 months ago… just like Pos said in this post. The only differences was that there was no fight, no tears just calm “it is over, i love you but i don’t adore you ” this was 2 months after i had moved back in after the last break up (which was 6 months before the final break up) and was in the middle of IVF and discussions of our wedding and we were forever. I have gone NC but He has definitely been giving me the silent treatment. Like all of us here i have followed a similar grieving processes. On Sunday, for some reason, i had a bad day again. no idea why, but it got better quickly. i am no longer in those depths of despair that gripped me so overwhelmingly. i am moving forward but sometimes i step backwards. and i expect it to happen again before i am completely healed.
I have followed you on this blog as well and have thought at times that we had some similarities. GL, you are doing so well, you have come so far and you will continue to climb that mountain. There will be days of despair but they are much less than before and will continue to diminish. Don’t be hard on yourself for having doubt. Just remember to believe in that inner you and you wont go wrong. You will summit that mountain and be on top of the world one day not that far away.
Keep being strong but don’t stop yourself from grieving when needed. Be kind to yourself and comfort yourself. When i cry now i don’t get angry at myself for backsliding or worry about falling backwards. i stop and cry and remember and comfort myself and believe in myself and trust in myself that one day soon i will come out of this a much more compassionate, worthy, caring, self aware person because i will be those things to myself, and i will have a much stronger insight into relationships and people to be able to allow someone that is right for me and able to really love me, into my life.
@It is done.
Thank you for your supporting words. It’s so strange how so many of us can relate so strongly to one another, as if we have been through the exact same thing. Which just re-affirms how similar all of them really are, and how they will never change.
Thank you for the kind words about the lifestyle change, etc. I know I will come through this year stronger, I just never fully anticipated all the challenges that would come with something like this. I guess taking it day by day is all I can do.
You are so welcome and everyone of them meant. Do not underestimate the enormity of a big life change like yours. Add onto that the emotional roller coaster of the discard from the soc and you are truly doing so incredibly well. Hopefully you recognize that because that is powerful. So are you!
I feel the same today but don’t be mad – I don’t know much about all of this but don’t be mad at yourself – I have exactly the same feeling. You will be happy one day – oh dear, please don’t be mad at you, it is not you, it is them x
Thank you Lulu…just working on actually feeling,after going through months of feeling nothing at all.
I too go back and forth in my emotions. It has been 3 weeks and no contact. I too was blindsided by his exodus. The difference in my scenario is I have suffered Domestic Violence. I have put him in jail twice and this third time during the break up, I told him I was done and the physical abuse started. This time will be the 3rd time which will be considered a felon and he can go to the penitentiary 5 years. 6 days after our split, he was at a party with my niece and her husband (by the way they allowed him to move in with them) taking pictures with her girlfriend in his lap and hugged up on another and my niece posted it on FB. It crushed me. So I hope he goes to prison so at least for 5 years he can’t hurt anyone else.
I had no idea behind my back he was lying on me and building an alliance with my niece and her husband. I too feel like I’m in a fog…
I was victimized by a woman who exhibited all 18 of your sociopathic signs, except for the big ego, narcissistic one. She came off as humble, but may have been more narcissistic than I realize. I thought she had self-esteem issues.
A big part of the explanation for her issues was sibling sex abuse from the age of around 4-12, involving her brother and the neighborhood boys, and a highly dysfunctional family. She told me she had boundary issues. She appeared to be a textbook case of sociopathic behavior, as I have now learned. These facts, however, don’t make it any easier to deal with the fallout from the emotional abuse.
I am 60, she was 69, she presented as a sweet, American Midwest girl-next-door, and grandmother (she is one). When I told my daughter what happened, she couldn’t believe my ex would lie and cheat. My point is that THIS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT ANY AGE, AND WITH ANYONE !
I am a family practice lawyer for over 30 years, who thought he was a good judge of character (or lack thereof). These sociopaths are indeed highly skilled, perverse, and the Devil Incarnate !
I had no idea what had happened to me until I read this blog. You are filling a great need, and an educational service. There is no way the average loving person would know about this stuff, even if it’s armchair psychology to some extent. It’s almost shocking to realize that 4% of the population is this evil !
Hi Rob, welcome to the site and thank you for your comment. If you are a family practice lawyer you could probably do good business representing parents who are in custody cases with a sociopath. I know that victims can go through a nightmare. Especially when they struggle with a legal system that fails to understand how manipulative and deceptive the sociopath is. Yes – they say that in in 22 people have no conscience. That is a LOT of people.
Rob, I am so glad you are here. Positivagirl is extremely helpful. Everyone here is very supportive. I still struggle, but coming here helps immensely…I promise!
He left me broke and is paying the new gf bills. I am now getting disconnect notices and no money. We are in divorce court but not until November. What should I do? I want to call the sister of the gf and let her know what kind of man her sister is dating and let her know hes not prince charming he is portraying. He has already begun the isolation in the honeymoon phase, her two boys have moved out and in with their dad..I am at my wits end..what should I do?
Don’t do it! He will make it like your crazy and stalking him, now her! All the experts agree and it makes a lot of sense. That you will make their bond or her bond tighter with the SP. He will show his true colors on his own. I had to realize that if I’m going to heal I have to let go, everything go. The only thing that I can do is pray for his new victim and move on. Because in my case if he didn’t have her he would be stalking me, he has before, when he didn’t have someone lined up! So, think about this if e SP think your messing with his good thing he will come after you!!!! They don’t like to be exposed!!
Ty Kay, it is so difficult. I am in such disbelief of how “honest” he was with me and wanting things to work and four days later, he is with her and their the “couple”. The only solace I know is he will treat her the same way in time..I was his 7th wife and none of them lasted over 3 yrs..so if she cant see that pattern so be it..but of course she cant see it, he has already begun the honeymoon stage paying her bills and tending to her needs. On the second date he spent $1200 on her car and a few bills for her..how crazy is that? Of course shes not going to let that go..what woman would? Until its to late and your in his web and need out of the lies and hes onto the next source..and he will be.
I know it is difficult I’m struggling too. But, you have to move on!! For your lively hood they can actually cause you to hurt them and loose control because of the way they made you feel by the way they treated you and by being with someone else. Every time I think about the other woman and think they are living life fantastic I read her order of protection she put on him years ago. I realize that it is part of his game to make me believe that they are living good. It’s just your mind playing tricks with you and the SP. your not going to see the bad part of their relationship because the SP doesn’t want you to see that! And to you can’t be worried about them anymore I know it hurt and you feel angry but you have to let it go!!!
Genie, he wasn’t honest that is the problem!
I want to add my thanks to everyone else’s. This site has seriously taught me so much about him, me and what happened and my reactions to it. I am getting so much stronger, I think it will not be much longer till i am fully healed and even better than before i met my ex soc. I think that if it had not been for this site that i would not even be as close to where I am now in the healing stage. So thank you. Thank you everyone , all your experiences and sharing and support have helped so much.
I am one of the lucky ones, my ex has been giving me the silent treatment for 3.5 months (i have been NC since before then – he realized this surprisingly quickly). I don’t think he will come back EVER as to him that will mean loosing. And as we know… they hate to lose. For a long time I struggled with that, but i realized i struggled with the silence because it really meant that i meant absolutely nothing to him. But now i realize that i am lucky for the silence because it proves i meant nothing to him because he is what he is and therefore i have come to acceptance of him being a sociopath quicker than i would otherwise have been able. Some days i still struggle and then i come back to your site and look over all the posts that i really connected with and i see him and our relationship in your blog and in all these wonderful peoples posts and it helps a lot.
anyway, i wanted to thank you and everyone. I still hurt but it has changed. some days its a little step backwards but generally it is moving forward and at a rather fast pace. Today, i needed some reminders and feel better for it already.
Hi It Is Done,
Thank you also for your sharing & being here among friends 🙂
The silence is hard but, what the Soc doesn’t realise is that he/she gives us more time to process what they are truly capable of. Don’t take it personally it’s a game to break you & to have you breaking the ‘No Contact’ so, that you will beg them back into your life!
It’s all just pretend for them & we were real 🙂
Keep up all your healing & positive affirmations as the Soc aftermath can linger for a long time if you let it. Choose not to let this define you or stop you living a great life, it is part of your story but, not the end 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
well Said PR. I choose to learn and grow from this and reach a higher level of happiness as i am now focused on healing my family of origin hurts that i know have been holding me back. Before this relationship, i was single for 5 years and now i know it was because i was so scared of getting hurt. Funny thing is that i got hurt anyway because i was not healed.
As for the silence, i think the only game he is playing with me is that if he contacts me he will lose. He hates losing and i used to beat him a lot. Chess, Trival pursuit, swimming, bike riding, cards, scrabble, pool, checkers, you name it, i was smarter and he hated that. No, he is silent because he is done with me. I was not giving him what he wanted (money, servitude, complete devotion, being dumber than him) and was starting to ask for somethings in return (respect, love, space, the truth, to watch what i wanted on TV, for him to do some house work, to go on the deed of the house that i was helping pay for, for him to help pay for the IVF for OUR child) He got bored and he was finished with me. He will not return because that will mean losing and i have showed him that i am done with him. And i am. It is my choice.
I am looking forward to the next part of my life because it will be even better as i am learning to be compassionate and loving to myself and i am learning that i am worthy.
PR, you are too. A fantastic person that has helped many here. I hope that you too are healing and growing and you are getting the support you need. I have noticed that you are a caring loving supporting person to all on here, I hope you have someone (as well as Pos) that lifts you up as you do us.
I feel mine too is done…he has a new love and is basking in me knowing and him not paying me any mind. I’m healing more and more everyday. i do have to face him in divorce court in Nov and do not know how I’m going to deal with that or if it will start the process all over again. I have came so far not seeing or talking to him, I’m scared if I see him the emotions will start all over again. But for now I see the peace in it everyday. It comforts me to know that its only a matter of time before his colors will show to his new gf and what they have laughed about doing to me, she will experience it as well…There is a saying he will leave you the same way you got him. I know best, I was the other woman just a year ago.
But when I needed space, or anything that was not agreeable to him of course that gave him cause to say he was not getting the attention he needed. It was exhausting trying to please him. Best of luck to you.
Keep going Jeanne…. remember that once court is over in November…. you can focus on you. Keep to no contact knowing that you can avoid him in the future.
You will be okay as you are free of him & his hold on you 🙂
You must focus daily on yourself & your freedom & smile knowingly that you are free of this moron.
The OW has to walk that road & look at the prize ‘a moron’, that she get’s to make her life hell 😦 Poor woman, she will be here one day & we will help her 🙂
The OW is my saga knows he’s a Soc so, good luck with that!
I would never knowingly buy a ticket to that sideshow but, that’s her problem as she was warned & does in fact know already the pain he can cause 😦
Jeanne, your amazing & you will handle yourself in court with dignity & grace 🙂
He’s a moron but, thankfully he’s some else’s moron now 😉
Love & Light 🙂
Awww thank you It Is Done 🙂
From what I have gathered here all of us are smart but, we give our hearts to the wrong people. Naturally the Soc targets us for our strengths to benefit them & then they ‘go to town on our weakness’, our love for them makes us blind until the ‘penny drops’.
We are all going to grow from our experience or we will be stuck forever & if you don’t get something positive from it then it is more likely to come around again. You must look deep withing to realise like I have that my own dysfunctional upbringing etc…led me right here.
Like you we must all learn what the deeper meaning is behind this experience & other life experiences that have not been pleasant.
It takes guts & courage to survive emotional/physical abuse & come out not feeling like a victim.
I have learnt from everyone here & others that we are smart but, we have accepted unacceptable treatment so, we must change ourselves to make sure that doesn’t continue.
We are all worth so much more & we can manifest more & better people & relationships by setting healthy boundaries & not compromising our moral code for anyone.
You should be proud of yourself as you are a strong, determined, focused woman so, keep the focus on yourself & shift it from the Soc experience.
The silence is the final discard but, you never know with a Soc & he may loom back even in your memories so, the less you concentrate on the experience the more it fades 🙂
Stay strong, be brave it’s been a very hard lesson, most of all believe that better will come:)
I am surrounded & supported by love so, I am blessed in many ways 🙂
My Soc was the ‘Joker’ in the pack & I am the Ace 🙂 😉
Love & light & continued positive energy 🙂
Yes it was exhausting continually trying to please him. I remember one day standing in the kitchen thinking, i just can’t give any more. I give so much and it still doesn’t seem to be enough. That was when i realised that he didn’t give back. Just took. That was also when i decided i would just be me from that day forward… He didn’t like that.
With regards to the new gf, this i also feel the same. i know that right now (as it has been about 4 months they have been together) that she will be completely love bombed and thinking she has found the one. He would also be extremely happy and “in love” But for her, the red flags will have started to really surface. If he continues his normal pattern in about 3 more months he will start the devaluing. but subtly. Depending on how she deals with it, he will either ditch her pretty rapidly, or break her. If he was ever going to contact me, that will be when he does it. But as said before, i don’t think he will. My last words to him ever were “it is done” and i walked away.
The thought of seeing him would be incredibly daunting. I am lucky that i never have to see him or speak to him again. I think that would keep the wound open longer. I.e. i think what you are feeling is very normal. Be strong ( as you are) and soon this nightmare will be behind you 🙂
it is done,
thank you for your contributions too as this wonderful healing place has been made up of your experiences and sharing too. well done you have come far .x another thanks to pos for starting such a healing stimulating sanctuary for those of us that really understand each other in a way no one else could! x love and peace and healing to all. oooh and NO CONTACT is definately the best thing since sliced bread ha ha!
Thank you Daisy 🙂
I was just on vacation for 5 whole days, far away from my home town. What I noticed was that I was finally far enough away from him that I didn’t think about him or worry about what he was doing at all. Not once. The relief I got from being out of reach was so great that now I am seriously considering moving far away as soon as I have the opportunity to. After 10 plus years of his games I just want out. I wasn’t sure if moving away would really help, but this last trip showed me that there is hope to put him behind me for good. As soon as my airplane touched down at home again I suddenly remembered him, remembered the times he’d offered to pick me up from the airport but bailed at the last minute. Remembered all the times he said he’d travel with me but always found excuses not to…but strung me along for months first so that I had no time to make plans to go with anyone else. And remembered that not only was I going home, but back to the neighborhood that he moved into after we broke up. The weight I felt returning to my shoulders was very obvious. I am planning my own “exit strategy” now so that I can be truly free of this man forever. I love my home town but I just can’t live like this any longer.
Hi Blue, I can relate to your post re holidays & his avoidance.
The night mine left for an overseas business trip ( he was holidaying with the OW!) doh!…I asked him about our holiday & he said when he got back we would finally after 10 years plan one together!
10 years of fake empty promises, living in the country, travelling & I got nothing ever humpf!
I did however make plans to go to Bali with my oldest girlfriends so, am off in Nov to eat, pray, love & cannot wait & I have heaps of leave owing so, will be making plans for a bigger trip next year (yay me)…cannot wait & I am free ;)….look out here I come 🙂
Good Luck Blue, life is short so, do whatever you want to do.
It’s up to you & you deserve the best 🙂
Thanks PR, I’m so sorry about your SP, 10 years feels like a lifetime doesn’t it?
Truth is I’ve gone on plenty of trips solo, and going solo isn’t such a bad way to go, I definitely recommend travelling alone vs not traveling at all.
Taking a permanent “vacation” from him by moving far far away is a very appealing and option now.
Four of his other ex’s (2 of which are the mum’s of his 4 children) have left town over the years. You’d think that would be a big red flag wouldn’t you? Of course the SP twists this into how he is the victim of these “horrible” women though. All four? Really? …..I was SO naive.
Hi Blue 🙂
Not naive, just nice & trusting…they play on that ;(
I am off to Bali with my oldest friends & I intend to travel further abroad in the future 🙂
Can you imagine what a great time all us survivors would have on holiday together 😉
Look Out World, we have arrived into our own power so, be afraid Soc’s very afraid…the Venga/karma Bus is coming & we are all on it….Whoo Hoo Blue…all aboard…:)
Love & Light 🙂
Wow he must have done a number for four women to feel that they had to leave town. It could be coincidence but how likely is that?
Blue, I was the seventh ex and he is working on wife number 8, and our divorce isnt until November..Plus he has children from affairs with two women that he did not marry. I to will be free, but my thoughts linger and those are the worse to get through. Best of luck to you.
Hey guys, I’m back. It’s been a minute…I was in the hospital for two weeks during my birthday which was on the 8th. My birthday gift was my doctor telling me I have the rare disease called Lupos…, I’m 23…hurray! Lol. ;(
Am sorry to hear that you have been in hospital and feeling poorly Lucia. I am not sure what Lupos is so I won’t comment on that. Just to ask you how are you feeling?
Hi Lux 🙂
Sorry to hear you’ve been unwell 😦 I have a friend with Lupus so, it’s not great but, she is well
& has led a full life, children, travel etc…
Happy Birthday for the 8th 🙂
Remember that stress can trigger off the Lupus symptoms so, not surprising that you have found out now. You will be okay & keep your chin-up as it’s important you stay healthy in mind/body & spirit 🙂
Your young & have your whole life ahead so, don’t let anything or anyone stop it from being great 🙂
Love & light 🙂
Luxia…I have multiple sclerosis and have tested positive for lupus…Im sticking with the MS. My cousin has lupus. I understand “rare” sometimes “invisible” diseases so well,I should be granted a PHD from “the rare,sometimes invisible” network. Such a network doesn’t exist,of course…Just being funny,but I get it. If you need to talk,let me know. Getting a diagnoses of any autoimmune disease is a buffet of emotions. Its a lot like the discard from the sociopath…however,I gotta say…the discard from the sociopath felt 20 times worse.
I have been reading these posts for two months since going NC with Sociopath. I have so much gratitude for positivagirl and all the posters on here, it has been a Godsend towards identification and healing. I am going through with drawls since no contact, some days I feel drunk, hungover and detoxing (DTs) all at the same time–nauseas=I just wish I could throw up. Then Ill have a few better days, and yesterday migraines. I have started going to 12 step meetings…and have found so much support there. I met the guy on a Catholic Dating site, I am convinced online is a hotbed for these creeps. Though he was local-and I count it a blessing to only have been dating him when I figured it out—and still so much damage done in a few months–but thank God, I figured it out right before things were going to escalate. I must say that my faith has helped me heal and really has been a source of strength–I believe things would have been much worse had I not been praying through out the whole fake relationship. I think online is particularly dangerous, as the soc can hide and also gather info from profiles, there are so many sites and so many targets….truly the devils playground. I feel stuck, as I also am confronted with past trauma that kicked up through this experience, I would like to move, start over and move forward toward reclaiming my dreams. I often feel immobilized–getting to meetings and reading others experience, hope, healing & strength does wonders. I realize that my desire to love, be loved over rode my intuition & blindsided me especially as he mirrored & used faith to distract, derail and con me. But they do underestimate our value and strengths with their over confidence & not learning from mistakes–I pray for recovery for all of us, and look forward to reading posts as we all move forward and heal. Thank you!
Hi Empathiclove :)….love the name 🙂
I saw two therapists during the most traumatic phase so, it may help you to seek out some other services. Pos recommended Gestalt Therapy & as I also had a lot of past trauma it was time to work from the ground up & I have had enormous growth & self awareness & I feel sooo much better.
I also used other tools & whilst not a religious person, I do believe in a ‘Higher Power’ so, called on my guardian angels just like you do with God 🙂
I had great support from friends & family & I hit the gym to strengthen my body & heart 🙂
It does feel like detoxing because, you are really 😦
I couldn’t eat/sleep & I ran on adrenaline from hypersensitivity (stress/anxiety)
I had higher blood pressure & I never have had it before except towards the end of one pregnancy years ago…My heart was literally vibrating in my chest which made me feel nauseas etc…an awful feeling but, vibration is a sign of extreme stress.
I am all good now but, it’s taken 7 months of painstaking/grueling/depressing/obsessing etc…to get here but, we are worth it & I feel more at peace than ever before 🙂
Just keep focused on your healing & supporting yourself as you have been to the gates of hell with a demon but, you made it, you are a survivor for a reason…God has faith in you so, you must have it in yourself 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
Thank You PR for your encouragement, suggestions and recovery report! I know I need to rebuild a whole new foundation too. Its daunting. I have apt with counselor tomorrow that I pray is a good fit, I have contacted a few but non them were what I’m looking for. I also have a background in counseling–so that makes me a picky client! I need someone really experienced and hopefully with trauma skills.
The detoxing is for sure a chemical release from all the lies, manipulations, stare, smile, “charm dosing” and love bombing in general. Its all the anxiety that I had while basically high or in a trance from this maniac. All my doubts and second guesses would come in between dates–so crazy making–then he would do something and I would push back doubt–ignore my intuition–so dangerous!Now that I feel a little safer, all that anxiety is coming to surface. He really did make me sick! It is showing up as headaches, shakes, nausea, sleepless, obsess, tears, empty….I do see how support from this site and the 12 step Love Addiction is slowly returning some peace & joy. In increments. I do need to exercise again, I have felt immobilized–and for some reason afraid to exercise (I have always been very active-zumba, kickbox etc) during the whole relationship (9 mo) but I know the endorphins and strength, will push me forward in the best way. My eating patterns and sleep patterns were all off kilter–did anyone experience where looking back you can see how it seemed like you & socio would be fasting?? We would go out to dinner and eat–but it seems during the day dates or long days we wouldn’t eat or even think about it–I think it really made me so much more vulnerable–he also lost 20lbs right at the start of the relationship–he didn’t need to, but he said he wanted to “fighting weight” interesting heh? I have not had much of appetite since I met him, during the relationship or since…..I havn’t lost weight but like I lost my taste buds. I think empathy is really tricky here too–like Im walking in his shoes.
one day at time. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
Better self care is key, today is the first day of the rest of my life, counsel, 12 step, exercise, prayer, healthy diet, sleep, gentle loving giving to self.
Pace e Bene,
Hey El if you have a counselling background you will have more skills than you realise to pull you through. If you have the ability to heal others you can heal you too.
It sounds as If you are on the right track. Your right about endorphines from exercise. It makes you feel better and can bring back control over your life (something that isn’t available to you in the relationship with the sociopath).
With a counselling background you will know that all of the answers are inside of you.
I think that lack of empathy is a natural thing that happens when In trauma. As you can feel numb. Your brain only processes your own trauma. Also the mind games emotional trauma played by the psycho is done to try to reprogramme you. Leaving you feeling off key and out of balance.
Without them In your life you can find your own centre and balance again. Wishing you a speedy process through healing and recovery.
I think that the thought you need to rebuild a new foundation is part of the illusion given by the socio.
Your foundation is within you. You are whole as you are. This is why I say hating the socio doesn’t do you too many favours as it keeps a negative attachment. What I needed was to just be me. Something I wasn’t allowed to be whilst involved with him.
“My eating patterns and sleep patterns were all off kilter–did anyone experience where looking back you can see how it seemed like you & socio would be fasting?? We would go out to dinner and eat–but it seems during the day dates or long days we wouldn’t eat or even think about it–I think it really made me so much more vulnerable–he also lost 20lbs right at the start of the relationship–he didn’t need to, but he said he wanted to “fighting weight” interesting heh? I have not had much of appetite since I met him, during the relationship or since…..I havn’t lost weight but like I lost my taste buds. I think empathy is really tricky here too–like Im walking in his shoes.”
Mine is tall and slim. Has been involved in illegal activities. When I commented the police were going to stop him, he said, “Have to catch me first”. Got me thinking around whether he thinks he could literally be pursued because of the things he’s involved in, and needs to be light to physically get away.
My own eating was weird with him too. Some of it my issues. Towards the latter part, I had no appetite at all. Even still, while I experience physical hunger, I don’t enjoy taste a whole lot, but more than I was. The better result, for me, is that I have control of my diet now and am no longer punishing myself with food. That was an issue I had long before he came along. If nothing else results from this than that, it has still been a very beneficial lesson.
I think it’s interesting how the experience can raise up other issues in our lives. Not everybody probably had the food issues I did, but that’s how my early childhood experiences got manifested. I have had trouble sleeping too. I had some trouble before with that also though; it just became more pronounced post-soc. Again, it has helped me admit I have an anxiety issue so, the lesson hasn’t been wasted.
Posativa Girl, Jusagirl, PR,
Thank you for responses, and for being here. Hard to get motivated, feel like a blob some days-opting to stay safe which in other words is immobilizing. Going to do some work for a friend today, and hit the chapel & make a few meetings. Will have some more to respond later; we have one life to live, make it count. Pace, EL
Do you know that immobolising feeling staying safe is a safe space for you. It is good for healing and recovery. During that time you might feel that life and time is standing still. But it isnt. It is a period for you to recover. It comes at your own pace at your own recovery time. It sounds to me that you are on good track for recovery and able to follow your inner sense of what to do to heal yourself. Good for you! It is a process but you will get there and probably sooner than you think. As long as you keep to no contact
Pos is right & you must take your time to heal & listen to your inner voice/wisdom as it will guide you if you let it 🙂
I was like you at first, as you know the sleeplessness,anxiety,see-sawing emotionally, one minute great clarity the next near insanity.
You are cycling through this phase as I did, with a great urgency to get to a safe point 🙂 I was running so fast to get ‘there’.
I had counselling skills as well so, drew from these & instinctively knew what I had to put into place to literally save myself.
I went to the Dr’s, sought Psychological help, did CBT & mindfulness & slowly worked up to the Gestalt Therapy which all helped me transition through each phase of the Soc haze that had been lingering. I gathered my supporters & eventually found solace here & answers & clarity & friends that understood 🙂
My Story is in older comments June 14th on the ‘My Story’,section & I had 10 years with this man so, a lot of control & manipulation etc…
Mind blowing really when I look back.
You must remember that part of the healing is, meaning you have to take responsibility as some point of what led you here etc…a predisposition, PTSD & vulnerability/validation are all possible causes that you will have to figure out.
The good news is, ‘YOU WILL ;)’….you are dealing with so much trauma & we truly ‘get it’ & hopefully the strength you already have will empower you more than ever…your doing great so, keep going & don’t give up.
You’ll have blobby days, highs & lows…really low but, you will come through this & look out world!
‘Another survivor that will be a force to be reckoned with 🙂 Soc’s beware, we are really onto you & you will not ruin us!
We are the better & stronger people & the Soc’s are just shadows that without the light don’t exist.
We are the light EL 🙂 keep moving forward & stay ‘NO CONTACT’, it undermines your healing.
My Soc caused all sorts of health issues for me & the food thing was the opposite, he used to try & force me to eat stuff I don’t like & I hated it but, stood my ground…he was a slobby person & ate like a pig which I abhor & I like to eat for good health, fresh, organic etc…he told me it was all BS….he should know, he was full of S*#t…oops sorry 😉 LOL!
Love & Light & a big hig 🙂
Good Morning PR, Positiva,
All praise and honor be to Jesus Christ. St Michael, pray for us!
Oh ladies so good to wake up and read your messages. Thank you. I have PTSD, I was a direct witness of 9/11, Hurricane Andrew , Storm Sandy and earlier trauma from childhood that was recurring AND had my drink dosed about 21 years ago. So though, I worked through much in counseling before, this really did re trauma along with the fact that I am back in home town after being self sufficient to a fault & living away for years–recently just got MA in Counseling in another state and suddenly (last 3 months) in a position of care taker of my parents ( think father is socio/mom sadly, battered, gaslighted, spirit broken–a source of real sadness & confusion & trauma).
Have been back only 7 months, most of that time with Soc. My faith has had such a serious impact on me in all the best ways, and as dangerous as it was with Soc, I am totally sure the Holy Spirit was protecting & revealing things to me–at critical moments and before but especially ever since- really was released spiritually (for some reason I think he respected my conviction to some degree & because I stood by it-even when pushed/tested) and eventually the light went off and I ran. I had a pretty intense re version to my faith in the days leading up to 9/11. I have felt a urgency to help others , and was encouraged by faith healer in my office in the days leading up as well. By the grace of God, go I.
As I get through the withdraw & addiction—and a little distance each day with no contact, I can see little holes, gaps, cracks and wounds that made me vulnerable. I know I have a love deficit and so I want to love and be loved totally, crave affection, emotionally sensitive & empathic, romanticize & fantasize to escape or runaway at times (this is what kept me in his grips when doubts would come-he would play on my emotions romantically-he knew it was a no brainer) & for self protection (and its the little girl in me the whole time–when this gets really intense), I know also that circumstantially, I was in a prime position to be a target–AND to make you laugh, over the last three years I have grown to love country music! Did you ever notice how every song is truly love addiction mixed with alcoholism & and often some psychopathology for added touch! No wonder I am happily singing in my car–It indulges all my weaknesses ( without having to engage–I have been sober for 21 years) but I also think its a set up for unhealthy love as I relate a little too much, I almost get a “hit” from it, but often makes me laugh and smile too–the lyrics can be very witty & fun. It also romanticizes a lot of really dangerous behaviors, thoughts and ideas while being so light, fun & airy. Its a sneaky seduction with a crooked, charming smile (kind of like soc)
and play with words & made up stories.
Ok, now I have been faithful NC for roughly 2 months, sometimes white knuckling-but with 12 steps getting much better. He still sends me email articles on faith and occasional 2 line note (gmail does not have block function). yesterday, I got one that obviously was trying to work on my sympathy. It came right before I left to go to Love Addiction meeting (so good to ground, be present & with others).
I was a mess, felt unsafe and the little girl made an appearance again, so scared–she is in the process of only now fully recognizing and feeling the anxiety, danger and fear–that I suppressed–with more time–I am at once, in withdraw & numb, immobilized and at the same time have bursts of emotions that are coming to the surface that I suppressed/repressed or are just busting through the manipulation, confusion, hypnotism, trance…etc. The people in the 12 step rooms couldn’t be any more supportive and its a great reality check. I have met a few women that are in process of divorce from marriages from soc —I realize how different it is to have dated one vs marriage for years. I consider myself very lucky to have had the opportunity to release without having had children or lost everything financially, etc (I don’t have it to lose in the first place!). Yes, though the damage is still enough–but perhaps like you ladies have shared, I can take responsibility for what got me here, along with his part–be grateful for my faith in God and the fact that I pray everyday–and employ so many spiritually protective measures in my day to day–it has proven to be real &
and a huge part of my recovery as well. I need to grow up, and re parent the little girl inside my heart–give her love & attention so the adult can heal & move on. Its very strange, painful & yet something I must do, with love. I know it has everything to do with future happiness & joy. This has been a warning and opportunity to face my fears, trauma head on and deal.
Today I have apt with counselor, pray its a good fit. I am going to join a gym so I can start to dance & kick box again-thank you for your encouragement here–hard time taking step that I know is in best interest.
Why is it such a challenge to commit to my own health & happiness–there is something about working out that makes me feel so strong as I build muscle quickly, but also something that makes me feel so vulnerable–I think its because we do store emotion in our body–sexual and otherwise–so its an other detox factor–sweating it out, and pushing self to take control of own body, mind & spirit–recovering it, empowering it, giving & loving to self. I guess part me does feel unworthy at times to be my best self (how crazy is
THAT/!) gonna turn this victim into a Victory. My life depends on it.
Today is Halloween in the states. I think it is a creepy day. Seriously, pathological to tell all children & adults to be as seductive or scary as you can –be someone else, wear a mask, walk around knocking on strangers doors–and go ask & collect rewards of candy for wearing mask/costume ==sounds like a socio/psycho hunting for sources of supply–what programming to set up! No doubt I once loved to make creative, somewhat sexy costumes and be someone else–the fantasy & romance is such a hook. And dangerous for me.
“Every saint has a past and every sinner a future”,
Deep down we are all little girls waiting for prince charming to make our life complete.
We’ve been sold the fantasy “Happy Ending” all through childhood.
We have to be our own prince charming not harming & know ourselves & love ourselves so, we take a complete person not a shadow for our next partner hopefully.
Your doing great & I hope all your healing & self awareness is paying off ( it sounds like it is 🙂
Just give yourself time, it’s a huge adjustment & a mammoth shock of realizing just what you have had to deal with thus far so, process it all in a safe environment & if your not comfortable you have the power within to stop anything unpleasant coming to the surface until your ready to deal with it & let it go….:)
Keep up the great work & support & writing 🙂
Wow your an inspiration, you really are 🙂
You will get your Happy Ending, just might not be what you thought it was that’s all 🙂
Love & light 🙂
It is raining today, a melancholy Autumn day==a perfect day to make a hot beverage, curl up with a book or watch old movie. Have been vaguely remembering the movie Edward Scissorhands….when I think of soc. Does anyone remember this? All I remember is that he was charming, clumsy, misunderstood, dark and incapable of love? Is this accurate? His hands were scissors and he would hurt people–and be sad, angry from all the confusion-
Trying to get back to basics, going to get back on regular eating schedule and meal planning. Drink lots of water to continue to detox and pray, journal, make gratitude list–and realize that my heart is the well spring of life–I must guard & entrust carefully–also that Soc was truly incapable of love. To love and be loved is a grace & gift & treasure. Some are not capable & limited. This is a hard concept for me, but I must accept that to have expectation that all are capable is going to hurt me & them in some way. So to not take for granted but treasure real, genuine love–by rebelling and/or not being receptive to what is true, good and beautiful. If I am filled with what is true, good and beautiful there will be no room for counterfeit or fakes. I must believe that I am worthy of time, talent & treasure–and that anything less I must let go and let God.
All I have for now. Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Every new day is a blessing–if the focus on gratitude and not the soc & what he did or didn’t do–the world, love and God is so much bigger!I remind myself. 🙂
Thank you for yet another great article! It described my situation perfectly – not just how he exited, but also how he entered my life too! Reading something like this gives me so much affirmation – one: that he was indeed a Soc, and two: that the best way to deal with the situation is to continue down the path of no contact, and instead to just keep focussing on me. I am 4 months no contact, and one year Soc free. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I know I still have more work to do, but thanks to this site, I know I’m on the right path.
And just so you know, I sent the link to this specific article to my close friends who supported me during the nightmare that I lived after the break up – and each one asked if I wrote it, that’s how similar it was to my situation. Any tiny doubts they had, bc all they directly experienced was the charming and charismatic side of my Soc – completely disappeared after reading this.
Thank you so much 🙂
Thank you for responses ladies, and support!
I was extremely foolish. I almost left my amazing partner of 6 years partly because I was in love with a sociopathic lawyer. He said he was a defense attorney (doubt that!), but really just sold health/life insurance, is a drug addict, and ultimately lied about leukemia and being diagnosed with 2 months to live. I was always suspicious of him, but it’s hard when you’re in it, to walk away even seeing all the red flags.
Lying about dying for money, now that’s heinous.
His exit was him getting a last few bucks for probably drugs, getting my back account info after writing a bad check, and then disappearing for weeks saying he had checked himself into the psychiatric facility. Pft! Now I’m getting death threat jokes after threatening to expose him it the authorities, etc
The grass is not always greener on the other side!
Heya the pattern of behaviour sounds identical to my ex. With the death threat jokes can you take them to the police?
Sadly, I have no proof because it was through a Skype conversation. They officer wouldn’t even allow me to make a statement. I said I need a police report so that I can submit it to the credit agencies to get a 7 year fraud alert. He said no one will take me seriously, because I agreed to meet the man after the fact (even though it was somewhere busy aka the mall) to get my money back (yes, I wanted my small amount of money back because to me it represented my dignity after trying repeatedly to make amends with him thinking he was dying, which was a lie). He also made jokes about getting cancer to collect $70k from an insurance policy. That’s when I got suspicious. I’ve known him for two years but I felt compelled to do a background check.
The officer was extremely rude, he kept leaving and answering his cell phone. He didn’t even care about the narcotics part of the story that the man told me he use to spend thousands of dollars a week on cocaine. I felt judge for being gay, african-American, or the fact that I am young–24. I don’t know why I put myself in that situation, thinking that he was dying and hearing him express to me he wanted to change and wanted to hang around me and my friends and not the people he use to hang around with and do drugs with. I went as far as to refer him to rehabs. At lunch he was clearly under the influence, laughing about how he was getting emails and up to 10 phone calls a day from the rehabs, stating that he doesn’t “have a problem”. He went as far as to mock me in my face being saying that him and his friend had a conversation that this ordeal was like the movie Obssessed. The man is a sad case. I should have left it alone like everyone sad, but I had to know why someone can say they care about you and kiss you goodbye and then just disappear saying they were dying of cancer. I expressed to the officer that just because I don’t fear the the man, doesn’t mean that the threat of danger is not real. I explained to him that the man has been admitted to the psychiatric facility for trying to commit suicide after a bad break with his ex. He simply said to me, “You were the one dating him…” Talk about feeling defeated. I don’t know if it’s even worth submitting a tip to the FBI. He has a new job at a health insurance place, and he’s probably still doing the same thing to other young men other there. Smh.
So thankful I found this site/article. Each word/action I read was the mirror of my ex boyfriend of exactly 1 yr. I could not understand so many things he did and why. I had never met/come across let alone fall in love with a Psychopath. I knew and felt the relationship and his behavior was not right, all I ever heard from him when I would find more of his lies and searching for his ex’s, constantly contacting them and or new females behind my back after I forgave him the first 2 times due to his “Empty Words and Promises to never do again as he did not think it would hurt me or he would’ve never done it as he was only saying hi to them nothing more he said, then after constant deceit from his – his excuse’s were: “why was I so insecure”, “Love Hurts” and at the end his excuse was he was just bored, none of what he did meant anything to him.
I started researching his behavior and learned that he has all the signs of a “Psychopath”, I was in denial for a few months until I realized he was getting worse with his cyber cheating and also found out that he was trying to set up returning to one of his ex’s from 4 yrs ago 2 states away where he had just relocated here in Houston from when I met him. I
I then accepted he was a total Fraud and had only used me from the very begining of our relationship.
Yeah, it wouldn’t have mattered if you’d told him from the beginning that communications with the ex’s was unacceptable. I told mine this and he agreed he shouldn’t see his ex wives without me present. I’ve yet to meet one (he did try to take me a few times—to be honest, I was afraid of what they might do together and getting stuck in proximity to it without an escape route, so I never went). I reiterated throughout that I would never accept being second to any other woman in his life and that he’d need to get rid of the girl acquaintances. He had a bundle of reasons why this hadn’t happened yet (all because of me, of course). When I told him the last time I would never accept all the girls or him with the ex’s without me, only recently did he answer most truthfully when he said they would never be fully gone. I told him that would never happen with me and he said, “I know.” He says they don’t matter to him, but the real trouble is, neither do I. Normal people choose who to value and try to honor that relationship and not muck with it. If all of us are equal in his mind, let him have them. I just doubt they know how little he values them.
they like to keep their exes on a string to go back to ..to fill their ego..mine always told me he could make a phone call to any one of them..(he had 6 exes, I was the 7th wife) and any of them would take him back in a heartbeat..well we are now in divorce court and this is one ex that he knows never to contact again. I’m not needy or naive to his bs. I miss the companionship and dates, but I sure will never miss him or his lies and womaninzing..I should of saw it all from the beginning but I was sucked into the web as well. I’m out and surprise, surprise..he has already moved in soon to be wife number 8..lol
On thing that I had noticed when I was dating the sociopath I did was when I would try to break up with him, or tell him that things had to be changed or else the ending this time will be different he would be very teary eyed and mope around like his life is ending. Then I would feel bad, give him another chance and he would turn around the next day, make plans with me, say hes doing something and then completely ignore me for the day we made plants. He would sit there and literally say things like oh I needed some time to think. I took the day off and hung out with my friend (which would always end up being him sleeping with another girl who was previously put in line) It’s like he would have to regain control of the situation and find an exit strategy and another person to go to before he could accept that I was gone. Is this common to socios?
Oooooooh, yes. But I think it’s more about the enjoyment they get in knowing they can manipulate you back to their will in that very moment that you are trying to put a stop to the abuse. I think they chuckle inwardly to themselves that you are “back in”, just like that. Probably never intend to follow through with the plans. They know they don’t need to because you aren’t serious about wanting them gone since you will take them back so readily. They figure they will “beg forgiveness” with another gimme later, if necessary.
Oh boy is this true. I’m going through it right now. I left because everything in his life is a secret. His fake jobs, drugs with girls, friends, cell phone with a “doll collection” of numbers, weird fetishes, etc. He is trying really hard to get me back, but it’s not in the good way at all. I am NOTHING to him. Like we know, it’s a fun game if “let’s see how much I can get away with”. We make it exciting when we go back. We need to STOP going back. They feign everything that is loving and kind. We are asking to be treated like garbage if we give in. It’s hard for me right now too, don’t feel bad. We need time.
Don’t give in Bunny, stay strong.
You know what will happen if you do. Put his number into block (download an app to do it for you) the messages/calls get saved there in the app – but you don’t have to read them if you don’t want to! 🙂
Thank you 🙂 My phone is out of minutes so I can’t read/open his texts. I can still see that he has texted all day long. From a normal person that would be a little flattering. From him, he is a little kid in panic mode wanting to win at all costs…lol! I’m getting a new phone soon, new number. I will be here at your site a LOT more now. Thank you!! 🙂
Yes, definitely common. Like the 2 yr old in the sandbox that is busy playing with another toy, but if you try to take away one he seems to be paying no attention to he behaves like the world has ended. Once he gets that toy back, he discards it yet again. Why won’t he let go? Because he “might” need something from you again, eventually, when he needs it, when he decides. The SP doesn’t see a “person” in front of him, he sees a “resource”.
I am go glad i have found this site! I have been dealing with my socio for 3/4 years off and on we are both 25. I dont even know where to began but all the articles I have been reading is him, last year i even and have brang up that he is a sociopath and he jokes around with it because i tell him he can talk to anyone and charm anyone and he needs to use this for his advantage for jobs ect. I damn near believe i have even honed some of his sociopathetic skills/ways. He is mentally abusive which causes me to flip and be physically abusive (i think he likes it) he says he doesn’t and I need to not put my hands on him but when i stopped and tried to respect him the games were worse.
Fast forward…. We recently were suppose to be looking for apartments (I already have one in my name) in a better neighborhood and when i put my 30day notice without telling him ( i told him the next day) he switched up saying that we cant afford to move and that i just want to get him on a lease and mess up his credit and all type of things via text while he was at work. I basically felt and told him hes trying to hold me back and im not waiting months to move. Im pretty much aware of his pattern by now ignored him when he came home that night and knew he would be leaving the next day to his moms he packed most things (left his sons toy and hair clippers.) We exchanged emails and he basically said he staying at his moms and i could keep things. I pretty much obliged and am ready to move on with my life now…
Seeing this he turns the tables like i kicked him out and always tell his mom that I am kicking him out and his mom says there is something wrong with me, she basically thinks im crazy! now hes giving me sob story emails that I am no there for him… when he walked out on me! OH AND I CHANGED THE LOCKS ON MY DOORS! ignored his texts of him wanting to come get rest of his things! this must of made him furious! i knew he would do something to me because he always does
TODAY while driving my car and going to my trunk i realized my LICENSE PLATE IS MISSING with tags! im currently working on get my license back and can not afford to be pulled over with that missing. HE IS TRYING TO FORCE ME TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM SO I CAN BE UNDER HIS CONTROL AGAIN… i just do not know what to do , he has isolated me and told me he loves how we are eachothers only friends. I NOW cant go forward with moving and apartment hunting this week and i cant even drive to work! He knows i make good money and is jealous and trying to cripple me financially so i can need or depend on him .. which he states in his email
Hi scorp gal. Am sorry you are going through this. I think they do get jealous If you have money. I went through this it was like a financial tap just a drain of money. They do all that they can using fear and control techniques to force you to speak to him. If you have proof can you contact the police ?
the posts on this site have been very helpful and many of the responses as well. I sometimes wonder how many of us may have had a cross over relationship in these sites. Wouldn’t it be great if we could warn others? My experience happened in a foreign country, though the relationship was long distance for 8 months before that. I was caught off guard entirely. All the usual tactics were thrown at me it seems. Completely caught off guard my brain was scrambling to keep up with why this was happening but of course he was already throwing the next curve ball before I had a firm footing. His version of foreplay was his angry ranting for hours til you are not sure if you are having make up sex or too tired to say no because it means another 3 hours of hearing what a bad person you are for not texting back fast enough,etc. I went into self preservation mode, nervous that I was in a 3rd world country with someone entirely different than I thought. There was excuse making for his behavior, etc. He suggested that maybe we part ways and both times I agreed, but it didn’t happen.
I saw his next person, at the place he took me on a “date”. Where after having spent a nice couple of hours about the city and in our hotel and some of it intimate time, he promptly tells this waitress that “we’re not sure we even like each other”. Flag. Much could be said but the story is very similar to all of yours. He did leave some things behind and I realized at the time he did it on purpose. Flag. He seemed to make some attempt to tap into my sentimental side. Saying this would be harder for him to get over than it would be for me. It was obviously bs stuff. I smiled and was relieved when he left. Yet, even in that moment I knew he should go for my own safety/sanity, but I wanted him to stay. It was surreal. Thankfully, I just smiled and sent him off.
Once gone-Then I cried. Possibly sad or maybe I was just really tired and relieved or all of that from the betrayal of the person he pretended to be.
It’s been a strange, hard roller coaster to understand why that’s fun for someone and I’m pissed that anything this spath said is staying with me.
I’m ok with unfriending him. It seems to let them “Win”, it’s encouraged not to unfriend them here. However, in my case, I was seeing the NEXT even after the one in the country we were in. I was fighting internally not to contact them to warn them. Logically knowing they wouldn’t listen and it could make things bad for me. So, this case, it was empowering and a safety thing to unfriend this person who obviously was never a friend anyway. To dismiss him as not good enough to be my friend and see what I’m up to was logical. And, I’m really fine with it. It was hard, but it felt like the right thing to do. A second good bye.
Each day this spath is in my head and that is annoying as a person who friends see her as strong. The feelings are different day to day. Like a child wishing what was reality could be changed, but it is getting better and these sites offering insight, really help.
Reading the blog post about smiling was great and that will be incorporated more. Thank you. Getting that person out of my life safely when there was so much unexplainable rage is something to be grateful for. Plus, i made sure I didn’t see him to return his items, etc. I even got him to do things he said he would and that seemed to upset him.
I did fail and emailed him after returning to the country. (this was before learning about sociopaths) . At that time I thought he was bipolar, so of course the nice person inside was in compassion mode for what I now believe is a soul-less person. It was in reading and more reading that I learned he is a narc abuser and from there about a sociopath behavior.
Once he was out there was relief and sadness, but the best part of my trip in that country and the next country ( we were supposed to go to together) happened after he was gone. Spending energy to appreciate where I was and the great people who make up that experience instead of how to keep the spath calm. No more watching every single word in case it set him off. No more being berated for hours, told what was wrong with me, my body, or my friends then have my body used while he then talked about other women. It was replaced by meeting generous people native to the country, and it seemed like the universe rewarded my persistence to trust and enjoy what remained of the trip. So many unexpected blessings from strangers the entire rest of the journey.
I didn’t ask him to stay or come back (even if that was oddly the wish). The learning curve was fast and steep, but good people do not deserve to be treated that way. In the end, it was good to see him go. His behavior was exhausting and Boring. He will still be empty but my awareness is greater for the experience.
HI let love rule thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the site 🙂
HAHA I like your posts PR
very helpful to me and I can relate.
I wish I didn’t miss him and hate him at the same time.
I think I never quite got to the last stage (thankfully).
I was in the gaming and the verbally abusive section.
I think my mind and body took over and didn’t like the ugly comments..
SO I just ignored him …got a bunch of texts one of the last reading ” well I hope you are all right (haha like he cared), cold shoulder doesn’t become you”
I was angry but scared to provoke him more so I kept it friendly and he ignored me when I called (wish I didn’t do that, oh well)..
No contact for 3 + weeks…. How do you get over thinking about what was good. 😦 I know but cant seem to implement it..thanks
Hi Elise 🙂
Your in the very early stages & only time will make the difference.
Just keep supporting yourself & doing whatever it takes to regain your equanimity 🙂
I never got discarded either as, I left the wacko when the OW alerted me to his behavior.
I am a sharer of most things but, not men eewww.
I found the not knowing extremely hard to fathom etc…how I got so caught up etc…but, I have worked that through & realized, that I never stood a chance from the start when the game began. I was real & he was pretending the whole time!
The OW stays knowing so, that’s her journey but, not one I’d ever willingly take.
I’d rather hold my own hand than the hand of a liar.
You just keep reading & sharing & supporting yourself & others & just you wait & see, you will be bigger & better in no time, I am & you will be too 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
I’m going through it right now.. sad thing is that there is a 3 year old little boy involved… sucks !
I am sorry to hear this for you Aaron? I presume by your name that you are male and she is female sociopath? Does she allow you to have access to your son?
Reblogged this on Lisa Vallejos.
My S was stil love booming my around my Back hy ask a nother women to marry HIM .Its a chock one week byfore i Head the exit stragety, a year ahead hy Head ask my to marry HIM 6 years of my live in one minute goin.
this is awesome. i love the writing. good job
I like this post too. I was the second post that I read (first was sociopath mind control) when we split the final time. I thought OMG – this is so true, he did identical – only thing is – I didn’t see it the second time around. Weird huh?
This post of yours has helped me a lot to understand why I never received a closure from my psychopath wife. We are separated for almost 2.5 months and on no contact. She discarded me and suddenly left without giving me any hints. Till the previous day she claimed to be in love with me head over heels. As I work in a state that is 1000+ miles from our hometown. She has a huge ego and all she wants is a separation now. I realized that whatever I did for her was never enough and she was never satisfied. She walked out 4 times and previous 3 times i begged and pleaded her to be back. I changed myself according to her but still of no use. She has already started smear campaign against me in 2012 (we got married in 2010 Nov) itself. She is actually acting as victim in my hometown and seeking sympathy from everyone.First few days were like hell for me. I was having sleepless nights and flashes as if she had come back. I still don’t sleep more than 4-5 hours a day and not in the best of my health. Emotional trauma has taken over, I try to keep myself busy with work but the efficiency has dipped tremendously. Your blog has helped me a lot to heal but still i get bad days more often. I don’t want to face her even when i go for signing divorce papers. I am somehow trying to avoid her in every possible manner. I am a lot worried about my future. Loneliness is killing me at times.
Thanks to you for having such a wonderful site. I think more i read, more i want to know about these species.
Thank you. This post helped me too. I re read 2 years later when i finally got out. He did this repeatedly over and over. They never change. But you can change you.
It’s scary how accurate this is. Sorry for missing the obvious though, wthat’s the reason for “An attempt to sleep with you one last time night before”? Is it to maximise the victory in a way?
Because they can. To surprise you. Ownership possession and control. Duping and conning. Playing the game. Element of surprise. Drama. Feeding off your emotions. Etc etc etc.
You are right – it makes me sick. I feel like I have to accept the hardest reality of it in order to ever being able to let go. Thanks for your response and your site! It is of great help and support.
This site is so helpful. I feel like I am reading my life story in these posts. I have been with my spath for over a year and can now see the tactics and facade that started from day one so clearly. It is a heartbreaking realization and makes me sick to my stomach. I am still in shock with how it went from the fairy tale to the emotional, mental and sexual abuse. His mask has been slipping since we moved in together in June of this year. If only I had seen the signs and known that he just wanted a great apartment (which I pay for) to live in so that he didn’t have to live in a trailer. If only I had seen his intent to drain me financially, control me, win, lie about everything, cheat and everything thing else on the list, while promising me forever. I have been refraining from giving him any type of emotional reaction and I can see how much that is bothering him. I am working on an exit strategy, but he is on the lease to the apartment. I don’t know how to handle this, as he has to sign off of the lease for me to be able to kick him out and he loves the apartment so much. I am worried he will get super angry. I was hoping if I remained boring and unresponsive that he would leave, but I am exhausted from his tactics and have such bad anxiety and stress every day. He never lets me rest and barely lets me sleep. I am sick of the lies and deceit behind my back, wondering what he is up to or where he is this time or what girl is on his agenda today or who he is texting in front of my face on one of his 4 phones. Despite all of this, I still feel attached to him. I know time heals all, but the chaos that these people create in our minds is horrific. Any advice on getting him to sign off of the lease would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you everyone for being brave enough to share your stories.
Narcs ans Socios are bored for an eternity and unless it is a brand new love affair typically they will always have one or more on the side as back up or to sleep with while in the current situation. This will never change as the hole they have is sooo deep it can never be filled. Leave these people alone and wish/or don’t wish them a happy life and CEASE COMMUNICATION! Best practice once you can mentally get there is NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN FOR ANY REASON.
Wow! I guess you have a point there. Mine went w/o a phone for 2 years to supposedly “regain my trust “ after he cheated when we first got together. He didn’t work at the and had no car to get around. So he was at home during the day when I worked. But I still didn’t have that sense of trusting him even after 2 years from when he cheated. He couldn’t go anywhere without me cause he couldn’t drive. License suspended years ago. So, he gets a job after getting out of jai the second time I sent him in for DV. He was working almost a month and after I found porn in his phone I said I’m done! And that’s when all hell broke lose. I think he had planned his “mad exodus” too. 3 weeks no contact and 6 days after the split he’s partying and chick sitting on his lap and hugged up in pictures posted on FB…
😦 Get away from him Valarie.