You are not alone – Group support – why it works!!

group support

 

It might feel a bit ‘bizarre’ at first reaching out to a group of strangers on the internet. After all you are not used to writing down all of your problems, or telling your story to a bunch of strangers who you have never met. Finding that release, to write to get it out and get it down on paper, can be a liberating experience. If scary at first, as you do not know how it will be received.

If you have been reading this site and trying to find the courage to reach out for help. I want you to bear in mind the following:

  • Once we ALL reached out and made our first ever comment asking for help (and it was scary to do so) – or it was for me)
  • It might be difficult to trust, or you might wonder (after an emotionally abusive relationship) whether your story will sound ‘dramatic’ ‘over the top’ or whether anybody will ‘believe you’

It was a long time ago (or seems that way to me now) when I did this too. Reached out for support. I recall writing the first comment on another site, with fear and apprehension. So many questions raced through my mind…. when I pressed ‘send’….

  • Would anybody reply?
  • Would someone be kind? (I wasn’t at that time strong enough for another onslaught)
  • Would there be sociopath’s and psycho’s on the site and would they  laugh at me?
  • Would anybody understand? I just wanted to talk to ONE person who understood. I needed to talk to another victim,  someone who just ‘got me’ and would most importantly would believe me.
  • I was feeling in a crazy world the sociopath was in full swing of lies and smear campaigns. I needed ONE person to listen. ONE person to hear me. To believe me. Although I appreciated it sounded crazy. How can you explain crazy without sounding crazy yourself?
  • I felt a fool and ashamed – as well as heartbroken

I sent my message and logged out. It was the following day when I returned, and there under my comments of my story (not on this blog) – there were responses. …. wow….

I will never forget the warmth that I felt in my heart that there were other people who truly understood. Just those simple replies meant the world to me – (and one person is still a good friend of mine today 18  months later – you know who you are in the USA – love you). I can’t explain how just having the warmth of those replies. People who heard me. Who understood, and not only did this they poured love, warmth, empathy and understanding. Finally I felt heard and understood.

For the first 6 months I stayed on the healing and recovery site, and I supported other victims/survivors and they supported me. If I was tempted to make contact with him, I posted instead, it gave me strength.

It was from this that I was able to  move out of the fog of confusion. But also from this experience, and seeing everyone else’s experiences that I was able to write from a victims perspective with confidence.

My work had always been with homeless people. So I was quite experienced at working with others, to empower to give a voice and to work to a plan to heal and recover. I decided that I wanted to create a website, that provided a comprehensive resource of psychological understanding. I wanted to break down the behaviour so that it was easier to understand. So that people could move faster through the healing and grieving process to move out of the fog of confusion.

I wanted a website that was EASY to find on the internet((I struggled during my journey to find a place for victims).

Why I believe that group support works after dating a sociopath

  • Other victims will believe and understand your story. No matter how complicated and complex your story may be. Just write!!! We will hear you. I expect that there is probably nothing at all that we haven’t heard. Understanding your story helps us to make sense of our own.
  • You won’t have to worry about sounding too dramatic or that you won’t be heard – we will hear you – we will understand you!
  • You don’t need to have fear that you will be thought stupid no matter how stupid your story sounds to you. We understand the mask of deception and know that intelligent people can be lured  in and deceived. This is no reflection on you
  • You can reach out and ask questions and if we can, we will help you. It is likely that whatever you have experienced, one of us who writes here would have experienced the same thing too (no matter how crazy or bizarre it sounds), many of us have became experienced at making sense of the nonesensical. Of rationalising crazy….
  • Being in a place where there are people who understand can help you to ‘normalise’ your experience. This can remove fear. It can be very frightening when you realise the truth of the person that you were dating. It IS frightening when you realise that the person you were involved with was a sociopath. The more you read, the more you know that you cannot deny the truth. Normalising the experience takes away the fear – and will help to empower you.
  • It should help you to see that you are NOT ALONE. There are so many victims worldwide. I started writing this blog in February 2013. Eight months ago. In 8 months there have been almost 655,000  hits to the site. Thousands of people visit every single day. You might not see thousands of visitors commenting. But many read and do not comment. Perhaps some people have fear of commenting – particularly if they have been in a very abusive relationship, are shy – or if their first language is not English. It can be difficult to reach out – especially if you are unsure. Or even if you are being stalked and you fear that your movements on the internet are monitored.
  • Whilst I am located in the UK, this site has visitors throughout the world, people on various time zones – who comment day or night (dependent on where you are). This is from blog stats to give you  some idea of where everybody is from (and it never ceases to amaze me)
Country Views
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Wherever you are from in the world, WELCOME to the site. Wherever you are in recovery – you are welcome. I wanted to write this post – to welcome ALL of the visitors of this site. All of the readers. All of the contributors. People who comment to help others. Whilst I write the posts. You all make this site the special place that it is.

I also wanted to let you know – that you are not alone. Whilst you might have been abused or stuck in a crazy world. A dark abusive world, whether you are a reader or a commenter to this site. Welcome. Thank you. If you want to speak,  but haven’t yet. Please do. If your first language is not English – please do not worry – we will not judge and will try to understand you. You are not alone.

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332 thoughts on “You are not alone – Group support – why it works!!

  1. awwww I love you too posativagirl, I never would have thought that day I reached out to you like you did to me that I would be gaining such a beautiful friend for life. I couldn’t have gotten through such a devastating time in my life without you. we were both such a mess when we first met and ive watched not only myself, but you grow and now look at the many people out there you are helping by writing this amazing blog. im so proud of you and your work here and your dedication to helping others to see there can be life after a sociopath. we are countries away from each other but all I ever have to do is send you a msg and you are there to support me still. I thought I lost so much but realize now I gained the dearest friend through my experience. I cant wait till the day comes and we can meet in person !!! you were and are a blessing in disguise. ill never forget you or the impact you have had on my healing and my life. hugs and love always, aka bella

    1. Ah for me too!!! 2014….. I shall be on a plane to visit you. Thank you for always being there for me. For never judging me. You were my strength, the person who helped me get up. To stay up. To keep going. Who offered understanding and not judgement. One day I will do something with this…. and you shall be my US counterpart as I know you know it inside out same as me. Love you x

      1. Hi Pos 🙂

        You opened the cage door & set a lot of us free, the door will remain open so, I hope everyone sets themselves free 🙂

        Love & Light & Freedom 🙂
        PR xoco

      2. Yes, whoo hoo off to Bali on the 12th November with my oldest girlfriends 🙂
        I will eat, pray & love 😉
        Probably eat too much, pray heaps when I drink too much & get messy oh…& I am going to love myself because, that’s what it’s all about ‘ME’ 😉 oh & my girlfriends naturally 🙂
        I cannot wait as it’s been a huge year but, the sun still rises & so do I 🙂
        I shall think of you all here & have a cocktail or two in your honour 🙂
        I wish you could all come….hmm maybe a Soc survivor conference 🙂
        I really like the sound of that 🙂
        We could do yoga on the beach, the odd Soc exorcism….laugh til it splits our sides & basically enjoy ourselves….yep…..dreams do come true….oh & if you don’t hear from me, I may be teaching English in goal….just like Bridgette jones LOL 😉 ( Just kidding)….;)

      3. and you the same for me too. I had many times I thought I couldn’t live anymore and I just had to come to my computer, IM you and you were always there. friends for life and I cant wait till you come, we have work to do and oh so much fun to be had. you were my light in the darkness !!! still are !!
        love you look out Seattle , here we come lol

  2. Hi. I was married for 21 years to someone with a personality disorder. I don’t exactly know which one, and I think the ‘label’ used is not always absolutely correct, but he certainly displays many many behaviours and traits of a personality disorder.

    Having to co-parent with him is a nightmare and nearly 6 years after leaving it is still really tough, but as the kids get older I have been able to minimise contact to the barest minimum, thank goodness.

    I got through the early years with help from others, and the internet. I have just written about this subject myself, great minds must think alike, title ‘I am not alone’. http://frogstale.wordpress.com/. There has been an explosion of information and blogs and sites to share and gain support since I left him. It is great.

    What we need to do now though is take it out of cyberspace and educate people in the real world about personality disorders. Particularly those of us that have to go through Family Court with a personality disordered ex and have to try and protect our children from their behaviours. Many women lose custody of their children because their ex is such a charming and believable liar and calls us the crazy ones – and to a world that doesn’t understand, sometimes we do look crazy.

    People power is the way to go.

    Thanks so much for your site and your information, and keep going letting your silent readers know they are not alone.

    FT

  3. Hi again….I’ve posted here before, my story of three years spent with a man who lied to me repeatedly, and then I got pregnant last spring and he freaked out and said I was ruining his life. I ended up having a miscarriage and he didn’t seem to care–never saw me or said he was even sorry for my loss. He also made promises he didn’t keep, repeatedly, and strung me along for years. I confronted him on numerous occasions asking if there was someone else, if he was still with an ex, or back with her, and he denied it vehemently for years. I did try numerous times to end things with him but one or the other of us, would contact each other and start up again. He was charming and a big bullshitter and the fact that he worked out of town and lived 4 hours away normally, didn’t make it any easier for me to figure out the lies from truth. It’s actually the perfect job for his lying and cheating lifestyle–though he always was looking for pity because he job was so “hard” on him being away, etc. He also had a lot of overthetop medical issues whenever i did try to confront him about other stuff, which of course made me feel bad for him and deflected me from finding out the truth. It was mostly over months ago, after I got pregnant and he screamed at me, threatened to kill himself and accused me of ruining his life. Then he basically cut me out. He did talk to me again a few times after the miscarriage, and after the pain of that softened, I tried to just be friends, I thought that mostly we had been friends for 3 years anyway, and since there was a large age difference between us, we’d be better off. I am used to being friends with my exes so it seemed natural for me. He eventually told me (oh and he repeatedly told me he wasn’t in a relationship and couldn’t have one and didn’t want one with ANYONE) that he wanted to forget me that I was a bad memory and I should move on. That was 5 weeks ago. I let him have it then but haven’t contacted him until yesterday, after I found out online in public records that he indeed has been with his ex for the last three years, because they just purchased a house together in April of this year. When I looked at the dates, i realized he came to see me and had dinner with me two days after they closed on the house (and he was acting then like his life was crap and he was so depressed and all along, he had just bought a house) and then a month later, i spent a weekend with him in a different city where he was working–that’s when I got pregnant. I am rambling, I know, but this new information has me in shock. I thought it was bad enough that he just didn’t love me enough, but now I find out that all along he’s been with her and lied over and over and over again about it. It makes me feel better on one hand, because I know it’s not me or something I did wrong (like he tried to say it was at the end) but on the other hand, I can’t believe I was so stupid and trusting and fell for this. Now he’s got this big beautiful house (I found it on Zillow) and a “wife” (I don’t know if they are married, but if you buy a house together, then it’s just as close to it) and the perfect little life. I am tempted to tell her everything, since I have numerous photos of the times we were together, as well as ALL correspondence saved between us. I feel bad for her, like he’s ruining her life and she has no clue. But in the end, maybe I’ll just let karma work it out. I am afraid if I tell her, he might come after me. He’s never been violent to me before, but who knows…I never expected this. I did email him to say I knew about the house and about her. He didn’t respond. I don’t expect him to…thanks for listening. What do other people think about telling the person? Has anyone done that before?

    1. Don’t bother telling the girl. I’ve tried that … It just ends up making the girl feel like she has won some battle for the guy. It also makes him feel like women are competing for him… It’s a rather gross hunger to feed. Let karma work and focus on rebuilding a new future with a honest man that respects you and understands what loyalty and respect is. He clearly has demonstrated through his actions and choices that he is no prize. A big beautiful house and picture perfect looking life means nothing….. Love is the only thing that has value in this life.” A person will only accept the love they think they deserve.” He feels he deserves a life of lies over love … Because he doesn’t love himself enough to be the man he was put on this earth to be. We were not put here to spread hurt, harm, And lies …However he has chosen that path. Stay on your path … Let love elevate yourself to your true potential in this life!

      Love and Light 😉

      1. Thank you Amy. I appreciate your insight and sharing what your experience was in telling. I am feeling like it’s not worth worrying about either one of them. I feel like I’m lucky, because I found out and can get away from him. He’s a very sick person and he’ll only ruin her as well. I’m free and want to stay that way. Thanks so much for your support…
        (hopefulstill)

      2. Hi B 🙂

        The OW in my story exposed him to me then when she knew he was a Soc, stayed??
        Don’t bother telling your OW, she will have to walk that road just like we have…poor thing 😦
        Still you are free & life does get better, I am living proof 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

    2. Hi Hopeful Still,

      Thanks for sharing your story. When I read it, I just had to reach out. There are a few similarities in our stories, so I thought I would share. After our break up, I found out my Soc had also bought a house with someone else. I was shattered and shocked, just like you. I actually had a physical reaction, got dizzy and threw up when I heard the news – bc we were supposed to have bought a home together. I was so upset – how could he take what was supposed to be “our” plan, and do it with someone else. Then I came on here, read all the articles, talked to a few people on this site – and realized: “Wow. Do I even want to be with the type of person who can swap out people in his life as easily as changing underwear???”. And like you, I wanted to reach out to the other girl and warn her…but again, I read an article on this site specifically about doing this, and realized that there was no point. I’d come across looking like the crazy one, and all it would do is bring them even closer together bc now they’d have something new to talk about….me being a total nut job. Plus, I remembered what it felt like when I was with the Soc and he was charming the pants off of me – if some girl would have contacted me to tell me he was a crazy person, I’d have told him all about it, laughed at her, and walked a bit taller thinking that someone wanted MY man. If you still feel like doing it, please read the article and posts on this site first. I also made the mistake of attempting a friendship with my Soc. I, like you, have managed to stay friends with all of my exes. I drove myself crazy trying to reach out with that olive branch multiple times – but then I realized that he’s a Soc, and Soc’s don’t have or want friends! And lastly – in terms of you sending him a note about knowing about the house – I’m not surprised you didn’t get a response. He got what he needed just by you sending that message, so there wasn’t a need for him to reply and engage in conversation. He’s just happy to see that this news upset you – that’s his way of seeing that he’s still got control and can effect you. My Soc always ignored my messages in the initial stages when I’d write to say how miserable and sorry I was for everything. A normal person would reciprocate those feelings, but a Soc just reads that, gets a sense of satisfaction, feels the rush of his endorphins going, and hits delete. Trust me – go dark…it was the best thing I ever did.

      I hope this message helps you in some way. I joined this site a few months ago – and this is my first attempt at paying forward the help I received from my friends here.

      As PR always says – love and light!

      Prophette

      1. Thank you so much for your insight and advice. It means a lot to me. I don’t think I will tell her, it’s enough for me to know that HE knows at any time I could pull the plug on him and expose him. I’m not a vindictive person, so he’s lucky. But I know his luck won’t hold. Karma. I am trying to hold my head high and ask for support from the people who love me. They are offering it more than i could have imagined. This site and the people here too have helped me so much…thank you…
        (hopefulstill)

    3. That must have been painful. To find out he had purchased a house with someone else he had been with 3 years. Ugh how do they keep these dual lives going? The mask of deception. I would imagine your head is now feeling to discover the truth?

      What I would do now is ‘threaten’ to expose him and his sham of a life to his partner. That you will do if he EVER contacts you again.

      It’s probably not good advice but being around a socio for too long I would be so tempted to give a taste of his own medicine. He thinks he has got off Scott free?? Hmm well you can threaten to expose him.

      But you know he would lie about it and lie about you. Likely you would end up with a harassment or restraining order.

      Please don’t torture yourself with thoughts of his perfect life with perfect house and partner. It’s not like that. She has the worst deal. After all he was cheating on her with you.

      Should you tell when the partner is someone before you? If it were me I would be tempted. but as he could lie to get out of it (and likely would) what would be the outcome? He would just feel great having Conned again. So if it were me I would threaten to expose him. I am not sure (knowing what I know) if I actually would BUT who knows how long they have been together? She might already have suspicions. What are your feelings to do?

      1. Thank you to all three of you for your comments here. I really appreciate your insight and kindness. I keep trying to post longer responses but they don’t post for some reason. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I am going through the stages of grief again, this time for my stolen story, trying to grasp the new truth I’ve discovered, but I know I will get through it. Much thanks to this site and the people here for helping with that process. I’ve been told by a couple people to tell her what he did to us both, and since I do have concrete multiple forms of proof, she’d have to be unconscious not to believe me. However, I don’t owe her anything and quite frankly, I’m angry at her too (which is irrational, I know, but I am). I know I am the lucky one and she’s in for a long road of hell, but anyway, I’m not going to tell her. I can’t save her, and he’s a hunter and I worry that he’ll come after me if I expose him. He’ll ruin his own life, I am sure. Or someone less charitable than me will ruin it for him in the future. I am now trying to focus on all the people who love and support me. Thank you…I’m reading every day. It’s helping so much….(this is HOPEFUL STILL)

  4. Hi Positiva Girl 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Your site/story & your followers have been my savior 🙂
    Lost & alone in the darkness of Sociopath hell, I stumbled onto your blog & I haven’t looked back 🙂
    It is a process & really hard but, it truly was like a hand reaching out & pulling me up from the darkness back into the light.
    It was scary, confronting, validating, powerful & very very emotional.
    I could not have come so far without your wonderful insight & support & everyone here has been fantastic (even the odd Soc has helped 😉
    You don’t move on, you move through this into another realm of understanding & awareness. It is a process but, in order to heal & learn you must go into & out of it.
    We are all here for a reason & we are all better for it I believe 🙂
    It takes time, therapy, support etc…but, it does give you more clarity & faith.
    Faith in human nature (not Sociopaths), Clarity & Insanity, Good & Evil, Night & Day, Happy & Sad….don’t give up….we are worth the journey back to ourselves.
    You will always have us & we thankfully have you & we found a place we belong & no matter what, we will prevail 🙂
    You are not alone, you have friends,you have us & we are proud of you!

    Love & Light, Feathers & Butterflies….have a great life 🙂

    PR xoxo

    1. Hi PR! Did you see me, did you see me? Now I’m trying to help people on the site – and a lot of that is thanks to you and all the support you gave me when I first joined the site!! I was telling a good friend about you, and that I miss your positive (and funny) messages.

      I still have some tough times coping, but those are getting shorter and further apart. I see you are continuing to do amazing…you’re an inspiration. I thought you’d like to hear: this weekend was the one year anniversary of my break up from the Soc…so I decided to go out and celebrate – went shopping with the girls and bought myself a few (okay, maybe more than a few) treats, had a great dinner and overdosed a bit on a fabulous bottle of Zin!! Go me – I am Soc free!

      Hugs to you,
      Prophette

      1. Yay YOU 🙂 & Whoo Hoo 🙂 :)…
        I did see your post & I think your fabulous 🙂
        I am sooo happy for you & glad that you have come so far…your an inspiration!
        I do love a little razzle dazzle/Zin myself so….here’s a toast to Good Friends, Good Health & Happiness….Clink, Clink….glass/crystal only, never plastic like Soc’s ;)…Cheers….so proud of you 🙂
        I am glad I have been of help, we all need it so, keep the faith 🙂
        Love & Light & continued greatness 🙂

        PR xoxo

  5. Hello PGirl,
    I am so happy, your reaching sooo many people – in so many countries! Wow! So awesome! I hope you are doing well also. Life is roller coaster, just when you think your cool, your going uphill for an upside down spiral! Ugh!

    1. NIBSIH 🙂
      On a roller-coaster, throw your hands in the air & whoo hoo…enjoy the ride, it does eventually come to a stop & hopefully you are sitting at the front & threw-up on all the Soc’s as you twist & turn, up & down….then get off forever….time for peace & maybe a doughnut filled with jam (yum yum :)….keep going…we are here for you always…be strong & brave…you are amazing, you really truly are inspiring 🙂 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Hi there PR & Positiva Girl & everyone else,
        Yes its good to be free of the soc, they are crazy & sabotage their lives, they do not know love & friendship & never will, with their mindset, negativity, double lives of lies, deception etc. I do pity the new sources of supply (OW), maybe they will come to this support forum later on. Pray they do, as they will be in our shoes, later on, no doubt!
        I heard thru my church about another sociopath, (sounds like it) in my home town of Traralgon, Vic. Will be very aware, as he probably looking for new source of supply. He targets people with special needs, vulnerable people in other words. What a horrible man. He took $8000 off a woman, with charm, deception etc. She was partly aware & has only been his friend, not his gf. He has other platonic female friends, some of whom he lives with. Wish i could somehow alert her to this support forum, but its confidential. A lady at church told me, she’s in contact with the woman, I am not.
        I am 7wks no contact now, yay!
        Light & Love to u all, stay strong, we are warriors xxxx

  6. Those mofos are everywhere! I know that finding this site has been a Godsend for me, as I’m sure it has been for others. At least now I can have a name for the insanity that I’ve endured, and I don’t feel like I’m crazy anymore. Thanks for having a great site like this, and for the help you’re giving everyone.

    1. Darling,

      You are so right they are all over the place. I feel like this site, thanks to Positivagirl, has made me a stronger person in every area of my life including with dealing with my SP. I have a name to this insanity too, so no I will never be going back to my ex. I can’t tell you how many times I went back and forth with him over an 6 year period. But, for once during the 6 years of dealing with him I feel free and good about my decision to never deal with him again. I’m not questioning myself wondering if I made a mistake letting this man go. I know i’ve done the right thing. Once I read other people experiences with a SP, I realize that I wasn’t alone. I still amaze that we all have similar experiences with them. Like we’ve been dating/married to the same person. Amazing!!!!! Please don’t feel like they are living the good life, remember everything is a lie or an illusion! The other woman are taking the bulk of the responsibility, they put down the down payment, they used their credit. They just trying to make you jealous!!!! Don’t fall for it!!!!! They will turn on them if not now it will be real soon!!! Once they think they have them!!! These people repeat the same behavior they never can change!!! Just everyone need to protect yourself and be safe!!! They can become very unpredictable when they are loosing controll!!!! It’s been 4 months of No Contact!!!!

  7. First of all THANK YOU!
    Thanks for taking the time and energy to construct all this site which literally have become a savior for many of us.
    I felt so ashamed and on doubt of if my perception of what happened with Pinochio was real that I remained on silence for almost the 3 years of torture, my friends cannot believed all that was happening and that I just stay with him. His exwife gave me the first clue that what I was living was real, and that his conduct was a repetition of the same pattern…I was so attached that I remained with him, thinking that with me everything will be different, that my love for him was so strong that he will make the changes that were necessary, I didn’t understood who he really was…until I found your site and my questions began to encounter their answer.
    Gracias. Thank you.

  8. My story is not much different then the ones I have read on this site, maybe the only difference is that my sociopath is a nurse practitioner. She even worked as a psyche nurse for awhile. (The crazy telling you that you’re crazy)

    I have read most posts and it is amazing to see through her actions more and more. We have been married for over 10 years and now her behavior patterns come together like a puzzle. I now, thanks to your site and comments from others, realize that she for a hundred percent is a sociopath. I am not a medical professional but I feel very comfortable making that diagnosis.

    Just recently I left her in the US and went back to Europe. I am now in the “silent treatment” phase, week 6. People, when this happens, he or she is doing you a favor. Every day gets easier and more and more comes to light. Use this time to get ready and establish “No contact.”

    Our marriage had been a roller coaster. I could never understand why, but now I know that her pattern of behavior is typical for a person that never learned how to form emotional bonds. Through all this turbulence she repeatedly said: “You know, I think you and I are a lot alike,” or “It’s so clear to me that you’re my soul mate.” Once this surface charm was scraped off, our marriage became loveless, sexless, one-sided, and ended without any remorse, she was never sad or accountable.

    The first couple of years, she idolized me, then at the first sign of lack of perfection she rejected me. Then she flipped back again. I have been through this “flipping” many times, staying with family out of State or renting an apartment. Each time returning. The last couple of years we were just roommates, sleeping in separate rooms, not spending time together. But the emotional abuse increased and arguments became the norm. She deliberately started arguing many times and blamed me for something I had done or not done or twisted her story around on me. Even the smallest conflict between us was amplified into an argument, where speaking just a few decibels above normal talking volume was construed by her as “yelling.” She was very good at the creation of hostility and bitterness where there was none before. She thinks she is always right, and she takes this self-righteousness in opposing and frustrating her opponents, who are seemingly always wrong. This actually hooks in with her profession as a nurse practitioner, a figure of authority. Wearing a white coat and stethoscope around her neck, what patient would question her? Who would question her at all? (I found out that sociopaths make use of professional roles, such as that of nurses, doctors, police officers and the like, people whom the ordinary person is not likely to examine closely)

    As you can imagine I was diagnosed many times by her as having a personality disorder and I started to believe it. She also told me that I would probably be dead in five years and once in Europe I should get an MRI of my head to confirm I suffered dementia. I started to pity her, which by the way, is another symptom of the sociopath relationship. She took advantage of this many times.

    Then, her mother passed away. Along the lines of “I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning” she told me that her mother had died. No emotions, no tears. That was the moment I started to look into this cold hearted reaction and my research was devastating but also liberating and enlightening. It al came together now, again like a puzzle. It eventually let me to this blog which even confirmed more of her symptoms. I am so glad to have a conscience and be able to go about my everyday life of work, enjoying friends and ordinary pleasures.

    On our last day she behaved really unreasonable. She picked a fight with me and was overly controlling. Looking back, this was deliberate behavior designed to infuriate me, but I stayed calm. I was leaving the next day, but as a true sociopath she asked me to sleep with her one more last time. Crazy!

    1. Hi Hans 🙂

      You are not alone & yes we will hold your hand anytime you need a friend who ‘gets it’ here we will be 🙂
      Yes our stories are similar & my Soc also lost his Mother & acted normal?
      They are very destructive & mentally abusive people so, take your time to heal & finally enjoy your freedom 🙂
      You will be so much better now that you have found this site so, read & share, vent & support others as it all aids your healing 🙂
      I think your Soc sounds like a narcissistic sociopath like mine so, you have endured the double whammy 😦
      I am doing well & 7 months into my rehab from the Soc hell after 10 years & I have found this site & these people here, especially Pos crucial to my recovery to survive & live again 🙂
      Lets all embrace our freedom from the Soc’s 🙂 🙂

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Thank you PR.

        My wife was abandoned from the age of twelve and grew up under the care of her grandmother. I read somewhere how someone gets this condition, nature (hereditary) and nurture are the two causes. Since her mother was totally wacky and my wife was treated like that when she was a little girl…..it is not surprising she is the way she is.

        On top of that play cultural influences a very important role in the development of sociopaths in any given population. Specifically in American culture, which holds individualism as a central value that stimulates the development of sociopathic behavior. American society has always permitted and valued some of the sociopathic traits like no conscience, irresponsibility, lack of remorse.

        The anti-aging industry she is now obsessed with is a clear example of afore mentioned traits. This industry takes advantage of an entire (american only) generation’s deep-seated aversion to getting old (a cultural phenomenon) while it is proven that there are no lifestyle changes, surgical procedures, vitamins, antioxidants, hormones or techniques of genetic engineering available today that have been demonstrated to influence the processes of aging. You clearly need to be a sociopath to be in that business.

      2. Hi Hans,

        There are lots of reasons why they are the way they are but, one things for sure, they have been among us since time began, even in the bible.
        You must focus on YOU, not her as the damage that they do over the years is damaging to say the least. You will first try to figure her out, then you will try & figure why you stayed etc…accepting the unacceptable & you will find yourself in introspection until finally you will move to greater self awareness 🙂
        You will be okay & it takes time & therapy/self help/support etc…but, you are worth it.
        We only have one life so, make the most of this one.
        The past cannot be undone but, you have the freedom & tools now to move forward & make this the best life possible 🙂
        I wouldn’t use your real name (if you have, change it) the anonymity is for your protection as the Soc’s come to this site & may play with you? Be careful & we will watch out as well 🙂

        Take care, be strong & bring the focus back onto you. My story is on the ‘MY Story’ section back on June 14th in older comments.
        If that interests you & gives you a picture of my life & you will see why I ended up here like you 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      3. Hansvanhoek,
        You said something that really caught my eye, about American society helping create so many SP. When you have time take a look at the question on this blog on where people are from the majority are from the United States. At first I just thought it was because we have over 300 million people here. But the more I educate myself, read this blog, and talk to several people, there is something else going on here!!! I think you might have a point! Scary!!!!!!
        Thank you!

      4. The biggest majority of readers here are from US (often as high as 75 to 80% + readership). I still don’t know if this is because the majority of people in us know what one is so there is more awareness (I suspect). Or whether there really are more of them in USA than in other countries (percentage wise) throughout other countries in the world.

      5. Hi positivagirl,

        There is definitely more of them in the US. According to the American Psychiatric Association are half of Americans mentally ill.

      6. Do you think though that is because people access therapy more readily in USA than elsewhere? I live in UK and there is a lot of stigma related to admission of any mental health, even depression. Attitudes in UK are more backward in UK and there is a lack of understanding. I would say that currently there appears to me more awareness driven from behaviour of certain politicians. I think there is still a lot of blame culture towards victims. I think that USA is far more advanced than UK in the sense that there is no sense of shame in accessing therapy. I think even psychiatrists in UK often have outmoded (not all but many) beliefs and ideas. If you take ptsd for example there is a true lack of understanding of what it actually is in UK. I think in terms of mental health treatment and diagnosis my country is relatively backwards. I would imagine that there are much higher numbers it’s just not detected as easily due to stigma.

      7. Interesting article. High functioning ones in power can cause mass carnage (bush and Blair war on Iraq for example). So much loss of life needlessly. I think in USA you also have media that is fed to you in a different way to elsewhere again about power and control. (I saw this after 9/11) as I watched all news channels and ours gave a different view. That I was surprised at. What I meant is that it is relatively ‘normal’ in USA (if you can afford it. In UK it’s seen as something of shame If you need to ask for help. (Stiff upper lip, British pride etc). As for that article lunatics are running the asylum yes it’s the same sadly in the UK.

      8. Isn’t it good we can look at this as people with a conscience? I say it is better to have a conscience. I worked on Wall Street most of my career and never reached the upper echelons because my conscience was always in the way. Believe me, I have seen some some ruthless and unethical behavior. Actually most of my superiors I deemed sociopaths. It seems almost a prerequisite to be a sociopath in order to succeed easily or ultimately in the financial world. And so I never wielded great financial or managerial power over other people. Instead I suffered painful bouts of conscience that caused me to act quite against my own self-serving ambitions. But I can sleep at night…..

      9. They say that stock market is one of the perfect careers for a sociopath. But I think they are in all fields of work (if they are high functioning and do actually work). I also think that there are more females than recognised but it think it is society and expectations in society that make it easier for females (man expected to work and to pay traditionally) women are expected to be more manipulative and dramatic. And there is a sense of shame of female on male domination leading to a sense of shame which negates reporting. And of course if the male has children with the female he feels he has to comply to see his children. Society hides female sociopaths or at least they can blend in better. But the sheer numbers of males victims of female sociopaths just on this site show to me numbers are higher than recognised. Or often they are diagnosed with other personality disorders like histrionic or bro despite the actions of male/female being so similar.

      10. Yeah, you are right. Females tend to better to fly under the radar. Like i experienced with my wife……

      11. Great article Hansvanhoek! Myself personally could always spot a SP (but I didnt know that it was a SP now I have a name for it, I just thought they were SOB’s stepping on everyone else to be successful) in the work place but one in a romantic relationship I had a hard time! I didn’t see it coming. In the past when I worked for someone that was selfish, had little or any empathy for their employees and would lie about policies and so on and so forth. I knew that wasn’t a place for me so I made my exit plan. I wouldn’t share any information about what I was trying to do to escape they wouldn’t know until I was giving them my notice. Because they would try to ruin your chances to leave. I could predict that what a boss would do! But in a love relationship it was totally different!!!!! I didn’t pay any attention to the red flags or myself with knowing this person is not right. The things they are saying are not adding up. I knew they were not adding up but I just kept going on as if everything was fine and it wasn’t!!!!! We have to trust ourselves more when it doesn’t seem right 9/10 it’s not right!!!!

      12. hi..my SCs mother died and he told me half way through a conversation..with very little emotion. He did hate his mother as she was a violent alocholic, but they were never out of touch and we were over in America every year to see them.
        We were together for 11 years, and married for 7 of them.
        We are now separated and trying to go through a divorce but he is making things extremely difficult. He hates me…he has had a new girlfriend since before we separated…but he still wants to make me anxious and unsteady and wont let go! Go figure. I now feel like I am a zombie and a recluse. I work and go home and lock my doors and do it all again the next day. A joyless existence.
        Today a couple of friends came over and I felt so nervous and traumatised! unreal. They were being kind and loving and helpful, yet I was so relieved when they left. I feel like I am mentally unwell…but I don’t want to be. I want joy and happiness in my life.
        I used to be a very successful aerobics and gym instructor and Personal Trainer. I was so outgoing. Now I am afraid of my own shadow and feel old and unattractive and boring.
        Still..I want to GET BETTER!!

      13. Hi Christine,

        You say that he ‘hates you’ but you also say that he ‘won’t let go’ and ‘wants to make you anxious and unsteady’? The truth is that he hates himself. Why would he put so much effort into destablising you if he was happy? He isn’t.

        First thing that you have to do is LET GO…. and this means putting in place NO CONTACT and sticking to it. Every day that you keep to no contact, is another day that he hasn’t hurt you. You have to give yourself time to recover and heal. This will be impossible to do if he is allowed to repeatedly hurt you. Which it sounds like he is doing.

        I am concerned by your comment, as I recall being where you are (and I can promise It is possible to move out of the other side).

        first of all, see a doctor to get some help, also see if you can access some kind of therapy or counselling. You need someone in your life that you can trust.

        KEEP IT SMALL….. just focus on today, right now. keep your world small while you heal and recover. Don’t try to do too much at once. It can be tempting to look back to your old life where you were a successful aerobics and gym instructer, but this is STILL YOU!!! This part of you has not gone away. It is still there, I promise!!

        To get there, is going to take some time, after all you were with this man for 10 years of your life. It is going to take some time to undo damage that was done to you. But you can do this. It is about undoing the damage from the mental abuse that was done to you.

        You sound like you have some good kind friends in your life. It doesn’t matter about the quantity of the friends or the number of the friends, what is important is the quality and that you can TRUST those friends. You probably found it difficult being with those people as you have to put on an act to be well, so that you do not burden them – again you were probably thinking of their needs, not yours. I think that you are probably a giver in life? ….

        can you see a doctor, if you are clinically depressed, or to arrange counselling/therapy to work through all that you have been through. it might sound like a small grain of sand in the overwhelming feelings that you feel (or don’t feel) but it IS a step in the right direction. You have to start small, and grow from there. We are right there with you.

    2. Wow! so true! Yes alot of what u say rings true, rings home, like we all dating the same person! I felt the same, pity for my ex, it made it very hard to leave him, break away. Him wanting 2 nites space, made me stronger to break it off with him. He twisted the truth on me, by quoting bible scripture & provoking arguments, yelling, I got sick of his loud voice & my tinnitus got worse as a result. Most of what he said didnt make sense to me, was extreme & controlling, pathetic when i look back on it now. He prob played on my having aspergers too, that made it difficult in breaking off with him perhaps for me? But we all felt ‘addicted’ to them, didnt we?

      I could see a personality disorder in him, soon after i 1st met him (last yr in Aug 2012) he always denied it & felt insulted that i once said he needed psychological help, or to take medication to calm down, be more easy going. He always made nasty jokes about my ex being easy going & doing theatrics along with it. He was very theatrical loved to be the life of the party, centre of attention. I miss that & the larrikin, caring, happy side of him, but sadly it was becoming less & the negative controlling side, most of the time, the mask had slipped! only after 3 wks or so, of living together, for the 3rd try at reliship.

      1. My gosh they can yell loud. Some stonewall and say nothing. Others are just sick and twisted love to alternate with love and withdrawal to hurt you and leave you confused (I met all 3) .

  9. Hello Phoenix, following is a passage from Martha Stout, Ph.D. “The Sociopath Next Door.”

    Though sociopathy seems to be universal and timeless, there is credible evidence that some cultures contain fewer sociopaths than do other cultures. Intriguingly, sociopathy would appear to be relatively rare in certain East Asian countries, notably Japan and China. Studies conducted in both rural and urban areas of Taiwan have found a remarkably low prevalence of antisocial personality disorder, ranging from 0.03 percent to 0.14 percent, which is not none but is impressively less than the Western world’s approximate average of 4 percent, which translates to one in twenty-five people.

    And disturbingly, the prevalence of sociopathy in the United States seems to be increasing. The 1991 Epidemiologic Catchment Area study, sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health, reported that in the fifteen years preceding the study, the prevalence of antisocial personality disorder had nearly doubled among the young in America. It would be difficult, closing in on impossible, to explain such a dramatically rapid shift in terms of genetics or neurobiology. Apparently, cultural influences play a very important role in the development (or not) of sociopathy in any given population.

      1. My SP ex husband knew he was different and had some pride with knowing he had certain issues. I just thought he had a big ego but when I started packing his belongs I found books like “Breaking Bondages” and “48 Laws of Power.” This just let me know he wanted to get better with being deceitful and conning. Because, he was getting what he wanted from people by being deceitful.
        I was actually working for a SP and coming home to one. I actually felt like I was loosing my mind. Once I left my job and found something else I felt better but that stress headache was still there. Once me and the SP broke up I really feel great. These people are all over and in order for us to survive you have to learn as much as possible. I went out for the first time since the SP and I ran into another one, what are the chances? I guess 1 in every 4! But, I’m very glad that I was able to see him for what he is. I free great!!!! Because I will still be lose thinking its me and I’m missing out on the best thing in my life!! I hope everything is working out for you, Hansvanhoek! It will get better!

    1. I think theres too many sociopaths/ Narcissts in Australia, its a caucasion & mixed race nation like America & high standard of living. But not as big a country. I work in mental health, I havent come across any spaths that i know of in my line of work. I met mine thru the local paper, he is a anti Agenda 21, anti smart meters activist.There was an article about him in it last yr.

  10. Thank you Kay, it is nice to know other “victims.” Now that I am back in Europe (Holland) things are much better. She can’t reach me here, although she is crazy enough to show up at Amsterdam airport. Thanks for your uplifting words.

  11. I am back I just can’t post my story yet, can’t stop crying long enough. It has almost been 2 months and I am in a state of shock – seeing a “shrink” who told me my ex was the perfect poster child for the narc. Please, does it get better???????? Oh 5 weeks after we broke up he got engaged, wow!!!!!! So so so sad 😦 Feel sometimes like I am dying, just so heart broken

    1. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad and heartbroken.

      How do you know he has got engaged? I hope you have started the no cpntact process even If he is ignoring you. Take back the power for you.

      It must be devastating to hear he has got engaged in two months but realistically I would think this is part of the stupid game that sociopaths play. The best way forward is to stop playing the game. Which means starting and sticking to no contact.

      1. The weekend after I moved out he blasted on facebook that he was in love then 2 weeks ago they announced they are engaged. I am now off facebook and advised my friends I don’t want to know anything about him. I have not contacted him since all this happened. He took everything even our house although we were just renting, he took the dog, my car which I have paid on for 3.5 years which he got for me for a surprise but the pmts were mine – I paid over $17,000 into that car and I lost my possessions. I said to him half the furniture is mine which we purchased together he said can you prove it. I moved in there with everything 8 yrs ago and left with just my dresser and clothes, I went and bought a new car but I am renting a room from a girlfriend – I always had my own house. We never even fought, I guess because I always catered to him, looking back I see all that now. I am starting over from scratch and he did not skip a beat. positivagirl how long is this going to hurt so so bad????????? 🙂 He turned so mean I realize I never even knew him, NEVER saw this side of him until the end 😦

      2. Hi t, from what you write you are describing sociopathic behaviour.

        What I want you to know is his drama on facebook and proposal to another girl was just because he could and to get back at you. Do you think that he cares about her? Is in love to be engaged after two months?

        Please read the posts in the healing and recovery section (at the top) as you go down there are additional posts at the side. Many of those posts were written when I was in pain too. Except I went back again and again and the same pattern of behaviour repeated over and over.

        You see to him people are just objects pawns to be used. For his own ends. Please don’t be deluded that they are happy and in love. He is merely playing another game. She will get hurt too. I have written so many posts that explain why they do what they do. And how to heal and recover. As I went back numerous times I would go back and read those old posts and they did start to make me feel better.

        Read how to do no contact. Read coping with pain after discard. Read why you will never get closure from sociopath, read why you shouldnt be jealous that he has moved onto someone new.

        Remember he is master of illusion and deception. Just as he deceived you he is now deceiving her. Use this time to focus on you.
        Also be prepared that just as u get yourself together healed your heart he will pop up again saying ‘hi how are you?’…. Really…

      3. Remember what he puts on facebook is for show. Just as everything is. So stop playing the game don’t look at it. If you have mutual friends go careful about info you disclose try to focus on you. I know it’s hard but you can do it. Each day that passes once you have decided to let go it will get easier.

    2. Yes!!! It does and can get Better but only when YOU are ready to let it go. When you are ready to let it go you will. Really he has done you a favour and she will now go through what you did.

      1. I believe the sooner you let him go you will feel better about yourself and the direction your life will be going in! I agree with Positivagirl, he will turn on her as soon as he get bored and your not playing his game anymore!!!! Because he has to have someone play his game with him!!! Think about this SP are very competitive. I’ve seen this for myself, my ex SP would play Words With Friends at the very beginning he was actually loosing. He was bad at the game, he would get very mad and frustrated to the point were he would throwing his phone down on the bed or hit his fist on something. But, he turned around and MASTER the game to a point where he was beating players by 200 or more points! Than he would move on to another game. He EGO started to go even more ranting about how no one can beat him because he is the shit!!! Trust us the more you educate yourself about this behavior the better you will feel and you can move on with your life. It’s been since Aug. 1st since we broke up and I promise you I would be still hurt and upset if it wasn’t for the other wonderful people on this blog. I realize I’m not along and I just fell in (fake) love with a true jerk!! Nothing I could have done or not done would have change his behavior or the direction of our marriage! I’m at the acceptance part of my journey ( I want to cry) because I forgive him I know he has a problem and I wish him well. Even though he is not and he will be like this until he die!!!! But, feeling is way I still don’t want to ever talk to him or see him again!!! Because I love myself more and I want and deserve more in my life!!! You will get there!!!!!!

      2. Great comment Kay !! I like it and so very true!! Mastering the game. Yep mine was the same. He mastered words too until he kept coming top. Then poker anything to relieve the boredom. I think when you let go with forgiveness you are truly letting go. You have walked through the stages of grief and bereavement and you know that this is not your problem it doesn’t belong to you.

      3. Thank you so much Kay – yes he said to me t don’t fuck with me I will always win, I never f’d with anyone in my life, I said to him I was not sure what you are talking about and I did not know we were playing a game and there would be a winner. He would post his food w smiley faces on facebook and if no one replied right away he would say to hell with them too, then when they would comment he would almost feel proud. He went as Jesus for Halloween, really the most famous man in the world?? I now see him for what he is, it is just so hard to understand. Before I never really knew about narcissist and sociopath, my counselor made it clear and I have been reading so much. His mom has babied him his whole llife, he is 45 and still says I am the bestest boy, UGH!!! really?? he is also a major tantrum thrower huge when things don’t go exactly how he thinks they should go. oh dear I am just going on and on and I probably will again, sorry 😦 so so sad, want this to pass faster

      4. T! Don’t feel bad you just describe my ex SP Husband! Yeah he was about winning, he has made those comments too. And the tantrums would really get me I would called them man tantrums, he would go as far as destroying his belongs ( my too) and would comment look what you made me do!!! Hey what about he crocodile tears so phony, I never seen a man cry as much as he did over the 6 years of being on his emotional roller coaster! You have to talk about it so you can realize that it’s nothing wrong with you and the whole time you were in this fake relationship that it was a bad nightmare! I also see a counselor and like you I heard of SP’s but you think of killers and I now understand how they reach that point. I would walk on shells not knowing who was going to come in the house, I had to brace for the different personalities. It wasn’t easy or the put downs or the pushing, the threatening to hit me with a close fist but actually never did it!! All kind of things!!!! That’s why when my counselor told me it sounds like he has a personality disorder and she said SP. I read everything I could on it and once I realize my life and my son life was in danger because he is the mean SP I had to take precautions. I did what I needed to do to get out of the fake marriage and didn’t and don’t care what anyone think because at the end of the day I have to take care of me!!! My SP is 43 too! I usually date older men. But a male friend made me realize something and he actually put a smile on my face but this when I came to realize that he has a problem and nothing I could have said, done or do would have made it any better! But this is the comment I said ” I should have continue to date older men!” He comment by saying ” Age has nothing to do with mental illness!” He is so right!!! So, regardless he has a problem and you have to talk about it and let it go!!!!!! Once you do that you can smile again it really feel good to smile again!!!!!!!

    3. Hi T, Am So sorry for you, but believe me, you are well rid of him, at least you are free of his lies & deception, but i know what its like when u miss them, but no contact is better for you, & your soul, in the long run. It does get better, especially the longer the no contact. Hope you feel better soon & try to keep busy, doing hobbies, & see your friends, family, as much as you can. Love & Light to you, we are here for you, on this site, don’t lose hope. :)xx

      1. Thank youi so much, just hard rebuilding a new life with a broken heart – hard to focus the only reall positive is I do have a good job. Just can’t stop crying, I really need this to pass – somedays I ask myself is this worth it, what am I even doing as he carries on like the last over 8 years were nothing. I am so sorry I am not much help to anyone one here 😦

      2. Hi T :)…

        Don’t give up, we all started out like you 😦
        It gets easier & time makes a huge difference.
        You are grieving, that’s normal 😦
        You are hurt & damaged but, it will & does get better.
        You are in the very early stages & will cycle through all of them in your own time, I have & after 10 years on the Soc ‘Merry-go-round’, I am soooo glad I’m off & free 🙂
        It does really do damage & it’s on a soul level so, that’s very deep & takes time/therapy/meds?/support etc…to heal but, you will.
        The sun will shine again & you will stop crying (tears wash the soul & cleanse it :)….you will laugh again…you will come back into you with such power & self awareness that you will wonder how the hell you didn’t realise how amazing you truly are & that he’s a complete waste of time & energy!

        You are not alone here, your safe & supported so, take your time 🙂
        Don’t apologize for being human either :)….you are real 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      3. Thank you!!!!!!! SO VERY MUCH! I still am not sure how this all happened. It literally happened over night 😦 You all here are so kind

      4. T, mine happened over-night also 😦 I had no idea. My Story is under that section under older comments June 14th, if you want to have a read you can?
        I am 7 months since I last saw him but,probably 5 months no contact as I went into a spiral of depression/obsessive need for answers etc…to here…I am okay now but, it’s been a long haul. Therapy/meds/support & basically time 🙂
        I am here if you need me so, anytime just reach out & I’ll reach back.
        I’m in Australia so, may be time difference?

        Big squeezy hug too you, you will be amazed how it all turns around for you so, keep going, you will be okay 🙂 I promise 🙂

        xoxo

      5. I can’t get over this site, I am so very glad I found it and YOU. YOU are so so sweet, I am in counseling, I am going to read about your story. Sometimes is just hard to go on and sometimes I actually feel my heart breaking, pounding hard and fast forsure. I miss him and love him and so scared of being alone. I am so happy you are on your way, hope to be there someday and can help others. But for now I can’t even help myself 😦

    4. @T – I am SO sorry that you’re feelign like this, and it DOES get better. Mine got married 13 weeks after we broke up. In Jamaica – it takes 12 weeks to get approved to get married there. Sooo … he was planning it while still sleeping with me, telling me he loved me and asking me to move in with him.

      They are scum of the earth, and I know the shock – but you were in love with a ghost, someone who didn’t really exist … Be kind to yourself … It took me about 3 months after finding out he got married to wake up one morning and he wasn’t the first thing I thought about. How liberating! My life is so much better without him in it – you can’t see it now, but there will come a day when you don’t love him OR like him anymore and you will be free.

      Hugs ….

      1. Thank you. Time justs seems to be standing still for me. It just makes me sick that he is going on, I wish the worst for him. I have something of his that was in my things when I packed up what little he would give to me and he goes through our mutual friend to almost beg for it – he will never see it again. My counselor told me to never ever give it back, This may sound cruel but it actually makes me feel better that he will nerver get it. My girlfriends also say not to give it to him. This man has taken everthing from me. I am 48 and starting all over again 😦 THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND WORDS

  12. I know this is a tough time, get together asap with your best friend. Go out, chat, have a glass of wine. All in all, get your mind away from him. Read some of the post on the right side of this blog. Realize that this exactly what he wants you to do, do not honor him with that. You can win this! Love to you T……

    1. Thank you so much. I know I have to get it together but it is so hard. I want to be positive but just can’t be right now – I am not sure how all of this has happened – 😦

    2. Welcome Hans! Thanks so much for sharing your story and insights. It’s great getting a male perspective on this subject. I like your advice – I wish I had done what you suggested here sooner in my own personal situation with my Soc! But nonetheless, I did eventually get there…and I think I’m on my way to winning this 🙂

      1. Hi Prophette,

        This forum is like a Sociopaths Anonymous, with the purpose to stay sociopath free and help other survivors achieve sanity. (we all should get a pin after so many months of survivorship…….)

        We all know that sociopaths create situations so others feel bad about themselves. And this is power, especially when the people they manipulate are superior to them in some way. They bring down people who are smarter or more accomplished than them, or perhaps classier, more attractive or popular or morally admirable. We ARE al of these things and should see this as a compliment! Keep this in mind when you’re ignoring their attempts at contact, smile and have some “schadenfreude” on your part. The sociopath does it to you, it is not only good fun; it is existential vengeance for them and without a conscience, it is amazingly easy to do. For us, however, it is hard to do because we have a conscience, everyday counts towards sanity…….Your goal is to get that pin!

      2. I’m reading comments like this very carefully right now because, while I’ve been on the fence a long while about no contact, I’m getting to a point where I’m just tired of feeling bad and having to pick myself back up all the time. It’s seems nonsensical to me why I should always be feeling bad.

        The soc I have been involved with knows the reason I was looking for someone to date in the first place (aside from wanting an eventual long-term relationship and father figure for my son) was so I had dates and things to do on the weekends. It has become where weekends seem to just be off limits. Too, he knows my busiest work day of the week is Monday and, invariably, he always wants to connect on that day. I’ve finally just put a stop to that saying, “I can’t; you know it’s Monday.”

        I’m angry at this point because he had the nerve to make a big deal out of “can’t wait till the weekend” to build up the idea we’d do something together. We didn’t. On Halloween, he actually went out of town, to his ex wife’s to take his daughter trick or treating. He came back the next day and texted. I didn’t really want to see him since he hadn’t messaged me throughout the entire time away. I feel like he sets up a competition between me and her until I act jealous then he tells me again that there are levels of love and they stopped a physical relationship years ago.

        I didn’t hear from him all day again on Saturday though. He said he was just coming back from work, did I want to go to a comedy club. This at 9pm. I have a child and can’t just take off. Long delays in the replies but says he has his daughter who can babysit. Ultimately, I would only have half an hour to pull it together for self and son and get to a neighboring city to make a 10pm show. No makeup, no hair, while everyone else there has had time to get ready. He says he is in sweatpants from work, it doesn’t matter. I don’t go.

        I don’t hear anything else and I feel like it’s all a false invite and that he’s really probably sitting over at someone’s house in a group, gambling. He will likely contact today, after the weekend (to me) is over. I always feel like a loser that I never have plans, and waiting on him, I never will. He knew he was going to his ex wife’s for Halloween though. Apparently, if you don’t tell HIM what he is doing, there is no planning.

      3. Jusagirl
        Oh honey, you are soooo much more than to wait for a person, This person or any person! First you are person! Second you are a mother, third you have a career/job! You are a very busy person. Do you love your self? You need to love yourself first!! Because loving and liking your self is key, just say “I am awesome” and think about what you like about yourself, doesn’t have to be 100 things, just a few, (the list will grow). I usually don’t give advice but for some reason I felt compelled to speak to you, maybe because I know how you feel, I’ve felt how you feel, confused, why is this person ignoring me, waiting to make plans based on someone else’s life, (when this other person shouldn’t even matter). Oh helllll, no! No one is running my life! I am not some dog tied to the tree waiting for your ASS! I started doing my own thing, either get on board or go out of my life, a true love and friend supports your life, not controls it. Go do what you gotta do! Also don’t let your self get depressed and down about your self! Make sure your hair and make up are done, (this will also make you feel good about your self), all the time, especially when NOT with said person, (hey you don’t know WHO you may run into). Other person will get mad, because they can’t control you, thus confirming you shouldn’t be with them, or be supportive. These people think your exclusive to them. They are trying to devalue you, at the bottom of this article there are additional articles about the stages of relationships in NS behavior. You may wish to familiarize your self with! Also stand in front of the mirror and give your self a big hug!! Remember your worth! ((HUGS))

        NIBSIH

      4. Thank you. I read this a few times (then went and painted my nails :). I’m going to keep it to go back to and re-read. I know it’s a problem. To be honest, he has held the line on not having sex with anyone but me, while he’s been with me. Whether it’s true or not, my self-worth shouldn’t depend on what he’s doing, where he is, or with whom. These are things that used to not matter to me—I knew I was the Top Dog, regardless of what anyone else thought, said, did.

        I had more people in my life when I met him. I let them fall away. I may start by just going out. I joined some groups for this purpose. I excuse myself by not having childcare. But I know that’s not it. I have an anxiety issue. I know if I went to one event, I would get through the anxiety and feel okay to go back, etc. But I just haven’t engaged.

        I had wondered how I was going to start with my therapist this week (she canceled last week—sick/flu). If she’s better this week, I think these two things above are where to start.

      5. Jusa 🙂
        Make those steps forward with pretty toes & pretty you 🙂

        I am off to a 21st tonight after work for my Girlfriend’s daughter (who passed in August of cancer 😦
        I am so grateful to be here & still able to share in this wonderful young woman’s life 🙂
        We have a public holiday here tomorrow in Melbourne, for a horse race 🙂 yep, only in Australia does a country stop for a horse race 🙂
        I’m backing you as a winner Jusa…keep racing toward that finishing post 🙂

        PR xoxo

      6. Hi Jusagurl 🙂

        It’s smee 😉

        My Soc always did that, he always worked weekends etc…???
        When I was busy he would make contact, just to watch me scramble about but, I eventually wizened up to that game & didn’t do it 🙂
        When I gave him heaps of notice about an event, I would just wait for his lame excuse of, “sorry work just called but, have a great time”….as time went on this became evident but, I thought he was just a workaholic so, got on with my life 🙂
        I always went alone & did enjoy myself etc…eventually as invitations for me & partner came up, I never even told him. When he asked what I’d been doing I would tell him & he would get annoyed but, I would say “sorry just assumed you would tell me you were working so, didn’t bother”….he then said he would try in future so, I should ask him???
        hehe I still didn’t, in fact, I didn’t tell him lots of stuff ;)….I did keep up with my friends etc…so, thank god as, they have saved me out of all of this 🙂
        I am often amazed though how he would always call me when I wasn’t busy but, when I was off out & about with friends, he hardly ever called???
        I was hoping he would so, he could see I had a life….it’s like he knew somehow…I would tell him after so, he know I wasn’t sitting around waiting but, am amazed he only called when I was home alone??? I have a fairly busy social life but, he just knew, I wonder how much they actually sense?…That weird Soc bond/reading us that they have is unbelievable.
        Never wait for them, they always let you down & when they realise you are sick of it, they show-up so, that you think they are there???

        Love PR xoxo
        P.S….contact you soon 😉 EAT,LOVE,PRAY 🙂 🙂

      7. I am surprised at this pr doesn’t sound like a sociopath. Sociopaths see you as their possessions. They don’t let you have a life of your own. When you are with a sociopath you are so controlled and mind so manipulated going off having a social life of your own is impossible. They wouldnt allow it. In fact you would have been isolated so wouldnt be left with a social life? That doesn’t sound like a sociopath to me? They are complicated complex people. One thing they always do is have tabs on their victim. They are paranoid for a start and would fear your friends would remove you from source of supply. Lots of reasons this doesnt sound like behaviour of a sociopath??? If you did do it there would be so many accusations afterwards you would think it not worth your while.

      8. Just some things I’ve been doing to help me get through this…I thought it might be useful for others…I’ve been reading this site and some books on the subject, I started meditating again, especially before bed (though every day I still wake up with my first thought being about him, which is depressing but I know that will stop eventually), I started exercising and running outside (nature is therapeutic for me), I’ve reached out to ALL my friends for support and help and amazingly no one has made any discounting comments they have all been understanding (super lucky…), I’ve been writing and journaling, some of my friends and I have had some fun making up scenarios to get back at the sp which has been therapuetic, I scheduled a massage, I’ve been posting my photos of fun times and great people in my life on my photo site to focus myself on the good people in my life, the ones who are real, and I’ve made a playlist of angry cheating/i’m done/i’m moving on songs and I’ve been blasting those on my drive to and from work. I also see a counselor regularly and am lucky to have the resources to do that. I’m sure a lot of you are doing these things too, but I definitely feel like I have to do at least one of these things daily to cope. I also say a prayer when I start ruminating about how he didn’t love me, loves her more, left me, etc etc. I replace those thoughts with the Lord’s Prayer or some other mantra. I hope this helps people here….

      9. Hi B!

        Great list you put together! During the past year, I have done a combination of most everything you wrote, to help me cope. Why just today I went out had brunch (eggs benny with crab and avocado, yummy) with a girlfriend, laughed about what I would do if I ever ran into the Soc – options ranged from running him over in my Jeep and dragging him around for a few miles (oops, sorry Officer, but I’m in No Contact and that means he doesn’t really exist, so I didn’t see a thing) and screaming “help – I’m being robbed…this as*hole tried to steal my sanity – stop him!!”…and then I went to the spa and had an amazing massage! Gosh – a few months ago I couldn’t even leave the house 🙂

        Keep doing what you’re doing – it’s awesome!!

      10. Hi Pos,

        He is definitely a Soc & I would get a grilling but, something made me not tell him a lot about my life? He would accuse me of cheating etc…& I didn’t go to many things because of him.
        I did however decide that I shouldn’t shut myself off so, didn’t tell him.
        For some reason, I sensed not to tell him a lot of personal stuff as well as,I feared he’d see me as ‘weak’. I am extremely strong/independent as I’ve had to endure a lot.
        I have been the sole support for my family for over 10 years & have worked & supported many addictions (not my own) so, have been very dysfunctional but, appeared the opposite.
        I shattered my shoulder in 2002 & was disabled for 9 months, rehabilitated myself & organised work, headed fundraising for both my children’s school & kinder’s (respectively), raised thousands, backed/supported my ex-husbands new business, supported my father & mother (my Dad had Korsakoff’s syndrome since my mid 20’s), my bother had a major psychotic episode the same time my husband walked out 10 years ago.
        I sound like a martyr don’t I??? I’m not, this has been my life (part thereof)….so, I was primed for giving in but never up 🙂
        You must remember I never lived with this man & was able to function independently but, he would call me several times a day & touch base for control.
        I wanted to keep my private life separate & I didn’t want my kids involved so, I was very careful to keep my world separate which made me perfect for him.
        He could come & go…I was never after a full time relationship & as the years rolled on I realized I didn’t want to be ‘full on’ with him, just enjoyed his friendship & how he made me feel valid. I did hope we would always be friends, even if romantically it died.
        He assured me I was his ‘one & only’ etc…
        I was actually quite different from a lot here as I wasn’t looking for more, just not less which happened over time. I had been programmed for much of my life to accept less & be happy if I got more…,scraps of attention really. My ex husband, my father etc…I just got bits of attention & any was better than none at all 😦
        I didn’t know he was a Soc but, instinctively knew something was not right but, each time I came close to leaving it, he would inevitably get others to bring me back to him.
        I have a personal reason, (can’t disclose here) why I stayed as long as I did but, I will tell you that in private 🙂
        He did all the other stuff but, was such a high functioning Soc that I was just part of a very big game, up to 3 or 4 women all swirling at the same time…when I met him (via mistress) he had two but, assured me they were in the past??? I know now they weren’t & in fact the OW has at least 2 in her game now or more?
        He is well known in his job, I now find out that he is a legendary womanizer, always has been & always will be 😦 You see I know a lot of people & I am extremely social & well known myself but, for the right reasons 🙂 I sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet but, I have a huge friendship base & enjoy the most amazing support…
        He hadn’t figured that out as, I didn’t tell him all my connections etc…I had my reasons & am not a bragger (thankfully) & he hadn’t any idea of just how many people I do know that know him & have been flawed by his actions against me.
        It’s amazing how being a good person does pay off when the truth & being truthful finally comes full circle.
        I did get all the other stuff you detailed on your blogs but, he really is the “MASTER” at this game & constantly told me, “You are my possession”, “I am a Devil”….I thought he was kidding???….He actually knows what he is & actually warned me off as I was “deserving of someone better” but, I wouldn’t let go 😦 thought I’d fix him like everyone else & I protect my abusers that’s what I have realized….Not any more though 🙂
        Does this make sense? Remember I was never discarded by him but, the OW told me & that was enough for me!

        PR xoxo

      11. Omg, minus the dolls, and a few minor details. I swear we with the same person. Creep me out! My ex is insanely angry I don’t follow him around in total adoration, all his other ex’s do. Now you understand the joke about “the club”.

      12. I never invite him to do things, except with things I need help. I believe he would work it out if he knew of something I wanted to do in advance, but a lot of the time, I keep specific things to myself. After messing up with me, he will offer those things I want as a “gimme”. He knows I want to go out, otherwise he wouldn’t know what to use to sweeten the pot.

        I just want to see what he chooses when he has open options, and it always disappoints me. Why am I in competition with the asks of other (generally women) in the first place?? Why isn’t he ever preferring to be with me on a holiday, without me having to bring it up? He’s said before that he basically decides what he’s going to do based on how things go. Why does he have no proactive plans or intentions of his own with respect to me?

        I agree about the sixth sense thing too. Always seems to know when I’ve “had it” and am pulling it together to go my own way.

      13. Mine is kind of smug about it, knows he can control because I always reply to him, even if angry. He does keep tabs though. There’s that crazy sense of timing too. You know how someone will always call/text at an inconvenient time? That never happens here… his timing is always spot on.

      14. Pos, how do they know when we aren’t busy & then ring but, when we are actually living life they don’t call?? Mine had a knack for it???
        I didn’t tell him & he would always seem to ring when I was waiting & I would get a sense he was about to call & voila, he would??? Like a premonition sort of….happened a lot & was random?

      15. I don’t know. I always found it amazing how they have the time to keep tabs on you 24/7 I had calls all of the time. Just to see what I was doing and to check I was still captive. It’s mind control. If they are always in your mind you don’t have time to plan an exit.

      16. Sooo True Pos….& every time I was planning an exit he’d change the game as if he knew?
        I had actually decided I was going to call him on it this year after I turned 50, I had actually decided that if he didn’t plan something tangible with me I was out! Then the OW camt to light & here we are :)….I still am grateful & look what I gained :):):)

      17. Came not camt!!! see there’s that crazy hand again 😉
        I am multitasking at work again 😉 LOLOL

      18. Here is an eerie story about that timing/psychic connect thing… he once was texting me while I was prepping some lunch. We were talking about something unrelated and I wasn’t telling him what I was doing with my day, but waiting to see if he tried to meet. Finally, he said, “Well, I’ll text you later. You go ahead and enjoy your lunch.” I said, “Who said I was having lunch??” It was about 2:15pm in the afternoon and I was having an unusually late lunch due to heavy workload. He didn’t explain why in the h*ll he said that, but I did look around the house for hidden cameras (!)

      19. Yep, mine told me to enjoy coffee with my friend (by name) & I hadn’t told him who I was having coffee with as i have many friends & many coffee dates??? Spooky & when I said how did you know who I was with, he said, ‘I just know’??? I then looked around to see if he was there & I was nowhere he would have known about unless he followed me???
        I didn’t see him anywhere so, how did he know?

      20. You would be surprised, they put a lot more effort into you than you think, and they snoop. When your a liar, they assume everyone else is, so they have to keep the pretense up. If you have honesty and integrity, it’s simple you don’t hide. He/she could of tracked your phone (apps), access (hacked) your emails, read your texts. Whatever. The point is, does it matter? No one says you have to stay in this relationship, once you recognize the behavior it’s up to you.

      21. Hey, do laugh. My SP is in the tech world very smart he does it for a living, work with high security! Go figure!! My sister was being funny but she said you should you tube yourself every now and than and see what comes up!!!! I wouldn’t put it past them. He would come around too at a certain time never failed!!!!!

      22. That’s part of them stalking and harassing us!!!!! It seem like he came around when I started dating someone serious!!!! He knew what was going on in my life even though he was giving me the silent treatment and than he would resurface!!!!

      23. Ditto on that, they amp up the charm when they know your losing interest or someone else is showing interest & you don’t even have to tell them?
        Still, they are after the prize so, others would be also 🙂
        Just we didn’t know it but, we do now….we are the prize & they are the prize idiots 😉

      24. I think we all know that we are special and we have it going on! I think we just loose who we are with the SP! So, when they give us the silent treatment we are ourselves again! Than here they come to take from us again!!!! The same cycle!!!! I’m understand my off and on 6 year relationship with him! So I can stop this cycle!!! So while he is using the OW now I’m recharging myself. So when she can give anymore he come back to me! He been playing the both if us like this for 6 years!!!! I’m so glad I understand the abuse so I can get off the ride!!!!

      25. Yes Kay 😉

        Get off the ride as you have the tools now that a lot of us didn’t have, AWARENESS & it’s a mighty powerful thing 🙂
        I got stuck wasting my time for 10 long years so, the freedom is fantastic, no more games, no more lies/control/manipulation/triangulation, just me 😉
        I am doing well & for the first time ever, standing in my own POWER & it’s amazing, I never realized just how good it is 🙂
        I am not lonely, I am happy, my relationships are all positive, it’s like someone turned on a ‘love tap’ after the dripping tap of emotional abuse & it’s wonderful.
        Life is good & getting better everyday, it’s just how you choose to look at it 😉
        Focus on YOU & the rest will follow 🙂
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      26. My position is, if he tells me he is with no one but me sexually and won’t be until it’s over with me, it ties me to him because of MY sense of morality. But, by not being here and giving his time to others doesn’t honor what I’m asking for from him, and keeps me tied up indefinitely. I figure, if he doesn’t want to give me the time on the weekends (I’m too busy during week for more than brief meetings), I have no responsibility to him, regardless of what he says.

      27. Jus, my Soc told me constantly it wasn’t just for sex & a lot of times it wasn’t but, I now know he had an endless supply elsewhere & numerous so, of course could play that game.
        Hmmm the patterns are always the same &it keeps you in the game because you feel it’s obviously more to them if they aren’t after sex so, they must like me otherwise they’d move on etc…all just more of the same game plan…keep them guessing/stressing & offer just a little bait on the hook & reel us in for more or cast out further, like fishing really 😦
        Lots of fishing & plenty of fish….applies to us as well, plenty more fish in the sea bella, plenty 😉 😉

      28. Yay Jus 😉
        Good Girl, he’s kept you waiting long enough & your own insecurities haven’t helped
        :(….
        Your a beautiful woman with a lot to give, go out & enjoy your life as it won’t come looking for you 😉
        Our thoughts create our actions so, think positive, act positive, don’t accept, expect better & then just be YOU, you have so much talent & love….be happy 🙂 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

        Talk soon, stay focused, it’s time for you now 🙂

      29. Make your life fabulous & he will be angry but, you will be HAPPY….he’s a loser & he doesn’t know we have found each other for support…hehe…our secret little club of POWER 🙂

        SOC loses, we gain a support group….winners 🙂

      30. I was telling my boyfriend this morning, I wish he would find some happiness, so he would leave me alone! (Ex did some more crappy things yesterday). I just don’t think he gets, I DONT CARE! (Referencing back to the light switch, kids will flip on him too, he will be in the dark) I am not playing THAT game. F him.

      31. Yes NIBSIH….Our light switch is on & staying on…walk in the light always, no more darkness for us 😉

      32. Jusa, as you know, my guy would lie about his own mother( he did), to keep me from guessing his game & having two jobs, made it incredibly easy to manipulate.
        He would never have any set plans, until I asked him then, would stall & stall & then bail on me!
        He would make me take a ‘day off’ so, he could spend time with me….but, he was on his ‘days off’, 4 days on, 4 days off with fire brigade & his car dealing could be done on the run etc…
        He would spend a day with me then drop me off & go??? who knows where, always an excuse or appointment or his mother’s bedside as, she declined with dementia?
        I would invariably be busy with work, kids etc…I told him I was taking leave for a holiday & he said ‘wait & we’ll have one together’.
        Over the years I got sick of that & took my kids on two trips to Queensland/Gold Coast & he would ring me constantly & get shitty if i didn’t answer?
        The very last time I saw him in the flesh, I told him I wanted a holiday & would he have one with me as promised ( he was about to take off overseas to work at this time but, was lying & actually off with the OW) & he said, “when I get back, we will finally sit down & book that holiday together”, he’d been promising for years???
        I even said if it was due to finances, I was more than happy to pay for myself & he said “that’s not it, he had just been too buy with work commitments but, would definitely do it”,upon his return???
        I have long service leave etc…due now so, intend to make up for lost time & Bali is my first trip next week & then LOOK OUT WORLD! 🙂

        PR x

      33. OMG!!! I hope we get to meet? 🙂 🙂 🙂 soooo excited, let me know etc…via you know what LOL 🙂 :)…made my day 🙂 🙂 whoo hoo 🙂

      34. Pos….me too, to….two gosh I do that too 🙂

        I hate it when I push send & then see a spelling error but, then I send another message with the correction…sometimes I think I’ve got no control over my hand (doh ;)…what’s new 🙂
        I am a control freak & very excitable 🙂

      35. Hi jusagirl,

        I am glad to see you’re on the fence at least. Now you have to decide what side of the fence you will jump to, the contact side or the no contact side. The only truly effective method for dealing with your sociopath is to disallow him from your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include him in a relationship or other social arrangement is perilous. Begin this exclusion of him in the context of your own relationship and social life. You will not hurt anyone’s feelings. Strange as it seems, and though he may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt.

      36. Hi Hans,

        Yup – every day does count towards sanity! He made me feel so crazy after the break up – and what made it difficult was to see how “normal” he seemed to be handling everything, while I was in the throes of depression.

        Back then I didn’t know he was a Soc, so I thought something was wrong with me…I thought “Did I imagine how close we were? Did I make that all up in my head – bc he seems to be fine after the break up?? Am I such a bad person that I didn’t see how unhappy he was in our relationship bc I was selfish and focused only on myself? Am I so out of tune with other peoples feelings?”. I felt sooooo bad about this, and when I’d try and call him to apologize for being a terrible person, he either ignored me…or if we did talk, he never accepted the apology OR set me straight that I wasn’t a bad person. He’d just listen to me in utter silence. I couldn’t figure out why…until I realized he was a Soc, so he was getting a high from just hearing me spin out of control – and had no desire to help stop it and try to make me feel better. Geezuss, what an absolute mental mind f*ck he put me through…and all the while, it was HIM who was the terrible person.

      37. Awww Prophette,

        We all went that road while they sat & watched us make fools of ourselves, apologizing for things we didn’t do etc…trying to understand what the hell was happening etc…I found a letter I wrote 5 years ago to my Soc, trying to figure it all out & I remember going to him in tears so, that I wouldn’t lose him after the silent treatment 😦
        I had done nothing wrong but, I was scrambling around trying to keep him!!!
        I remember him just watching me intently & then saying “do you feel better now?”….”stop carrying on & I’ll let you make it up to me!”
        Yep, that was me, had done nothing wrong & he turned it back onto me so, I apologized for his mistake & treatment???? I walked away thinking, WTF!!!…but, was happy he was back in my life 😦 & then went another 5 years down the road to here ;)…
        So Prophette, don’t beat yourself up, we have all walked this road as that’s all part of the Soc game, delusion/allusion/deception/control/manipulation & we all fall “hook, line & sinker”…because, we had no idea what the hell we were up against…the ultimate Player/User/Mind F@*ker/full blown loopy la la 😉

        We are the winners, we have found each other & AWARENESS/KNOWLEDGE, is EMPOWERING & STRENGTHENING….& we will all catch each other “TIME AFTER TIME” as the Cindy Lauper song goes 🙂 here for you when you fall (hopefully you won’t) & we will all support each other 🙂

        Never Alone 🙂
        PR xoxo

      38. Hey PR!

        Your story of the letter makes me sad…I totally know how you feel/felt. I did the exact same thing after my break up – wrote this huge, long letter, full of snot and tears – and he didn’t even bother replying. I poured my heart and soul into that thing – looking back at it now, I’d have to say it was some of my best work 🙂 He probably saved it and reads it every now and then to get his endorphins going. What a sick mo-fo!

        Our sister,”Karma”, has already bit your bozo in the a*s, because he lost you. You are amazing – don’t ever leave this site. What are we gonna do while you’re in Bali?? You better get on a good roaming plan 🙂

      39. Awww Prophette, I will be keeping an eye on you 😉

        I am only going for a week 12th to 19th so, cannot wait…I met with my girlfriends yesterday & we are all so excited. My oldest friends in the world, a tropical resort/villa, we have our own pool etc…omg….soooo excited it’s been a tough year but, if I can do it, you can too 🙂
        Make a plan & aim for it, we all need a goal & a focus & if a holiday’s out of the question then just do something special everyday for yourself….& if all else fails, eat chocolate…I love Lindt balls….yummy…just one or two to get my endorphin’s flowing & bliss out 😉 oh & good champagne,really good champagne…works for me 🙂

  13. Thank you for your blog. I have so many stories and discovered a few years ago that I’m am too a magnet for the sociopath/Narc..My mother is one and I am not sure about my father but I beginning to wonder. They are all the living family I have. My kid’s dad was in a car accident that left him permanently disabled (almost vegetative) and his family is rarely involved with them. They don’t care about our struggles because they are too busy taking care of their own problems (which is understandable. they have so many). I’m a mom of two children and been with 2 sociopathic/Narc husbands. I’m with one now but cannot leave him. I have no means of support and have worked tirelessly to find a job. I didn’t graduate college and have a diverse work history. Life has caused me to have gaps in employment and no one is giving me a job out here. I’m socially isolated and have been for about 8 years. I’ve been so embarrassed of who I am and the way things are. No one understands. I wish I could get therapy but I don’t have the money. We don’t have a community mental health place here or anything. I mean I could go on and on about my past but right now is what matters…and right now we are hanging by a thread. The current husband can’t pay the bills and puts me down daily. I have no friends that understand and no family at all anymore (my parents threw us under the bus several years ago due to being sick of us. They were never really “kid” people to begin with). I have a 15-year-old that is displaying characteristics of sociopathy but I don’t know if it’s just being a teenager or what? Both of my children are receiving therapy for themselves and their struggles, thank God. I am so thankful they have someone to talk to. My son doesn’t grasp the reality of our situation financially and has started stealing money, etc..Thankfully they haven’t witnessed physical abuse but they have witnessed severe emotional and verbal abuse. I just don’t know what we are going to do and pray daily that God brings me someone or something to help me get us out of this mess. I’m so concerned for my kids and their future. I’m a pretty strong woman and made it this far but without any outside love and support (besides the kids and I don’t use them for my support. That would hurt them and burden them) I receive no love from anyone. I feel like I’m dying just due to not having anyone love me. Not just a man but anyone. I don’t even have a bestie anymore because she moved across the country. We talk some but she doesn’t understand. Thank God for the kids love because they are what keeps me going. I’m determined to do everything I can to make things better but I just need a leg up and some support and love from someone. I could leave my husband if I could just provide financially. I’m so scared of what is going to happen to us, Thank you again for everything you write. It gives me strength and keeps me sane. ((Huggs))

    1. This truly broke my heart, I am so so sorry Brioli. I do know how you feel, I have friends but no bestie either and now that I am going through this I realize I don’t have as many friends as I thought. I just want to hug you! I am new on this site. What are the chances we live in the same town?? I am sorry

    2. It sounds as if you are going through so much. Simply being a parent to teenagers (esp ones with problems) is a challenge in itself. You say he is displaying sociopathic behaviour but this could just be teenagers they can display sociopathic behaviour (all teens). Which is why there is no diagnosis until age 18. I am glad they are receiving independent support.

      Is there anyway that you can leave your relationship if you are so unhappy. It can be tough to be on your own but at least you wouldn’t have the additional burden of his issues too.

      1. Positivagirl-Yes, all teens are this way :)…but I can’t help but worry due to his exposure to things growing up. My mother for one was involved quite a bit in his life (mistake #1 that I made). I felt I had no choice because she and my father are all we had to call family. She has done terrible damage to him (in and out of our lives, lies, false promises, and no empathy at all!). It’s just a mess and it all could have been avoided if I’d made better choices when I was young. I had no guidance as a teen and moved out at 17, met a guy, got pregnant… thought I was saved and loved…you know the deal. I am now 37 and we haven’t done too bad considering the struggle (we’ve been blessed even in the hard times) up until this point. My kids exposure has been limited with the ex’s because I fight back harder when they start that mess (not that I ever truly win but I’ve had enough experience with these types to keep them from winning..I’m so tired though and I don’t want anyone anymore. I just want to be able to care for my children and give them a chance) but it still damages my children to even be exposed to it at all :(. As for leaving….if only…but no, not yet, but I’m working religiously to secure employment, that would be a start. Then I could put back little by little to get out. That’s the biggest thing, work, work could change this around for us and I’ve had the worst luck I’ve ever had this past year trying to find some (it’s a little more complicated than this because my mother sabotaged the only job I had by refusing to get the children so I could work on the weekends as was promised by her…I was hoping she would come through this time since she retired but she bailed again. We just went through two months of hell with her..a long and different story). Not to mention, my son’s behavior problems are getting worse. Skipping school, stealing money, verbally assaulting me with things he’s heard others say to me (yes 😦 ) and I’m constantly having to take him to this Doc appt. or that therapy appt, or trying to find him because he’s taken off. Also taking my daughter to this and that appointment. She’s doing really good, thank God, but I want her talking with someone before she hits adolescence. She is 10 and an angel right now and I don’t want her to ever go down the path I did (or my son to that way). They are my life and I’m fighting with all I have left. How could I hold a waiting tables or lower level job under these circumstances though? I would be fired in a week. I’ve been trying to find clerical work because I have great computer and typing skills but no luck so far. Those jobs tend to be bit more understanding and flexible.I tried to go back to school three different times since the kids were born but never made the money or had the support system in place to succeed or finish. It really sucks but I’m determined to keep moving and trust God (he’s all I have and come through in miraculous ways in our lives. It’s truly amazing). This time in our lives is the worse ever though and the main reason is employment——-@T-I’m sorry to hear your going through the same thing…it’s the worst :(. I’m in Georgia, how about that? Are we close?

      2. You sound like a great mum and doing the right thing for your children. Is there any way you could do a course at college to gain a qualifaction for your computer skills? This might help and also increase your self esteem too 🙂 also give you some time and space for you. As part of a longer term strategy. This might although not make situation perfect might help you to know that you are actively doing something to change your future?

      3. I really hope thigs turn around for you soon you so deserve it. Life is just so hard to understand sometimes. No, I live in California

    3. Brioli

      Omg – you could have been living my exact life!! When my kids where younger with my mother, same issues. Just keep a tight hold of your kids, and pray. Something will turn up for you. I will pray for you also. Have faith. Your not alone.

  14. Anyone go thru these thoughts after breakup with soc………I know logically that these are temporary depressing thoughts and they will lessen in time but……….I feel like regardless of the harm the soc did, that any other man I meet will now appear boring to me. How do you accept a normal nice guy after you have had, the most handsome, charismatic, witty, funny, over the top sensual, romantic, poet, bad boy, lover, etc. etc. How do you come down from that and not be bored with normal? Everyone else seems dull and average now. Just another addiction, and emotional issue to overcome after the madness of the soc. I suppose, but still so difficult. In face all of life seems dull after that relationship roller coaster ride circus.

    1. This is a good question. One that unfortunately I do not know the answer to? It depends what you want? If you want reliability and stability and your world safe and secure, as you know a sociopath is not a good partner. As they will turn your world upside down. Do you want this? Going around in circles. Never being able to make plans? The socio ruining everything (pretty much) and how about how he made you feel about you ?

    2. It is a topic that I have talked about if your sociopath was charismatic type. And non violent. What about the rest. The constant drama, being lied to all the time. Being let down. Being controlled and manipulated. Practically being owned by the socio being isolated. Ah the list goes on and on. Can you write down a list of the reasons that were bad for you?

      1. It’s exhausting to say the least!!!! I’m struggling with that too! This is what I’m working on now in my counseling sessions about a normal relationship might be boring!!! That’s why you need time for yourself to get to know you again. To workout things in your life that was destroyed or alter by the SP!!! I’m getting better and stronger staying away from the temptation of being with a bad boy type. I met a man whom truly displayed SP traits plus he revealed a lot that were SP traits! I could have gotten with him just because I’m bored and not in a relationship but I don’t want the drama or the headache. The second time I actually talked to him he was gas lighting me!!!!! That’s not fun!!!! So, it depends on what you want in a relationship!!!! If you still want that emotional roller coaster but with a different player just know what you are getting yourself in!!!!!

      2. Hi, I know what u mean, i miss excitement & intelligence of the ex spath & his charisma, happy side. but i dont miss the criticism, controlling, lecturing, drama, simmering anger, sarcasm, tantrums, slamming car doors, guilt trips or with holding sex, intimacy from me. but i do miss happy times.

        I have a platonic male friend who has disability.he was taken advantage of also by a recent ex, i think shes a spath too. we talk about our exes. he knows i was addicted to mine & still think about him. I talk about it to purge it out of my system. plus i dont want my friend to fall in love wif me, hes kind soul good man but not my type.

        I think being true to ourselves & doing hobbies, exercising, eating well, listen to music & not think too much about finding new relationship will heal us of the addiction to the ex spaths. also healing the lost damaged bit inside us, thru therapy, hypnotherapy, meditation, spiritual, faith will all help

        Hope to meet u positva girl if u come to Melb? maybe meet u2getha with PR? I live 2hrs away from melb. Would be good to meet u both, if possible.When Positiva comes to Aust, if u go to Melb, victoria. Luv,light xxxx

    3. Normal nice guy…after having a few of the awesome, charismatic, and successful types…I learned to appreciate what I “thought” was normal nice guy. God what I wouldn’t give for one. I don’t care how boring he is. Unfortunately, the last two normal nice guys weren’t so normal or nice. I’m still with one of them. These Soc types come in all different packages and we just can’t always tell. Not to mention, I have realized it’s me too that is attracting these types and being attracted to them. It’s all I know of love, unfortunately (thanks mom). Except I’ve educated myself and recognized that I have to find the real deal and know that what I’ve experienced is not true love. I’ve seen true love with people I know and what I have and have experienced isn’t even close. True love is friendship first, honesty, someone with character and commitment…true to the word that you can put first because they are always putting you first, and of course the chemistry. My new favorite saying is, “I can do bad all by myself” because it’s true. I’ve gotten good at asking people (guys, girls, whoever) the right questions in such a way that the way they answer tells me all I need to know when it comes to if they are a Soc. They can and do give themselves away without realizing it but this can be complex (especially if they are really smart but all of them are not smart..and all of them are dumb in very common, across-the-board and unique-to-them ways). Sad that I turned around and married one..KNOWING..he was one without a doubt…but then I did it for the wrong reasons (financial) and to save my children (sounds sociopathic I know but I had no choice). I mean I love him and wanted to help him but knew deep inside I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to. I also have sort of a vendetta against these jerks and want to dose them with their own medicine cause I can (I pray about this because I know it’s not right and they ultimately end up winning because I get hurt the most and my conscious has boundaries which theirs does not)..so I get burned. Through the abuse I’ve suffered I’ve learned to compartmentalize and I’m not sure that such a good thing but I can disassociate in the heat of a spat with one if need be. I can separate from the pain and I guess that means I’m a little off too. It scares me sometimes because I’m afraid I might turn into one, then I break down crying because I know it’s just I’m all messed up inside and trying to protect myself..but they say this is what they do and why they have no compassion or empathy…they are protecting their self…scary stuff :(…but I don’t protect my *true* self because I’m proud of who that true self is and I stand strong in my convictions (thanks to online therapy) and my personal boundaries (well as best as I can under the circumstances) I feel compassion and love deeply but not for the Soc. I shut down with them and with everyone else my heart is a waterfall. Not that there is too many everyone elses these days. I have a few close friends but their far away and I would do anything for them. Amazing, loving, and compassionate people. This Soc thing is becoming an epidemic though and it’s scares me. They are like…everywhere. like aliens or something..at least to me and they scare me because I don’t understand them (I see them and recognize them, but I will never understand them…ever…I’m light and they are dark 😦 It’s sad. ) so I isolated myself but I can’t stay like this forever and I know that. It’s not good for my children either so I’m trying to be strong and get my mind right, so I can’t fight my way away from Mr. Thought He Was a Normal Nice Guy to find myself again. I just want to find me at this point but need a job to get there. Best of luck doll

      1. Brioli your thoughts on how SP were are right on point. I was watching World War Z yesterday and I thought the same thing these people are contagious :). I thought about that too that they are all over the place and to better protect yourself just to lock yourself in the house and never come out!!! LOL! But, we know that’s not possible. I have thought about dealing with my ex SP husband too to get even with him but I decided to leave that thought alone!!! But I could have thrown a monkey wrench in his program!!! He still want things from me that he can’t have so even though we have been divorce now for a month, he still trying to use the lawyers to contact me. He can not contact me because of a restraining order. But, I want/need to move on!!! Life’s too short!!!! I’m finding me again!!! The saying “I can do bad by myself!” Was my theme even before I met him. He just got me at a good time. I had just moved to a new city 1000 miles from friends and family and I trusted him more so than myself! I will NEVER trust someone else over my own self!!! So be careful!!!!!

      2. Wow Kay, u were strong in resisting dating a Spath again, but if he showed gaslighting this early in the relationship, friendship, that is freaky, bad news so u could see his bad traits already showing.he must be a bad one, to be showing his mask this early one. Glad u saw him for what he truly is, a bad seed, bad egg.stay strong all of us, love & light xxxx

      3. Yes, it felt good to realize he was playing a game and not fall for his BS. He was trying to sell himself too when he realize I wasn’t falling for it. When we ended the conversation on text because by this time I was avoiding his calls. He told me that he was a lot of fun and I was missing out!!!! I bet!!

  15. Hi Guys,
    Sorry I haven’t been around for a while because my sister was here from Germany. It was very nice having her here with me and we had a great time.
    I also had another short lived encounter with my Soc and my heart and my emotions are once again all over the place. Not only am I dealing with missing my sister , I’m also dealing with missing him ( as if I ever stopped ).
    What on earth is wrong with me? After everything that I have learned , what is wrong with my stupid heart?
    As I wrote about 4weeks ago he was at my apartment with some things he wanted to return but I didn’t answer the door . When I saw him leaving I saw he was walking on crutches and I wondered what happened.
    One night my sister and I had a drink and I decided to send him an email . I made believe that I just heard from my super that he was here about two weeks ago and that he was walking on crutches and his leg was in a cast and I asked may I know what happened?
    The reply came after about 1hr. saying that he broke his foot stepping in to a sinkhole . To make a long story short he then called me on the phone . After talking about his foot he asked when my sister would cock something German . We had plans to make fish the next day and I was not about to change that to accommodate him .
    However the fallowing week we wanted to make something German andI emailed him an invitation . He wrote back sometime during the night asking what time but no thanks for the invite . Time was set for 5-6pm but he showed up at 4:30pm with my favorite flowers, a bottle of wine ice cream and cake. As we were sitting around the table he took my shoes of and pulled my feet in to his lap and started rubbing my feet as if the last 3and a have months never happened .things went from there but my guard was up.
    He had dinner with us a few more times and took us out for dinner one night.
    He drove my sister to the airport last Wednesday and when we came back we made love and it was as blissful as it always had been.
    I learned that there is a brand new monkey wrench in the works and this is we’re it gets interesting .
    He is since early September of parole and was contacted by some Egyptian Movie Director to make his life in to a movie . So for the last two Saturdays he has been gone for 10hrs. or more . This past Saturday he called me shortly before 3pm telling me he was not feeling well that something was wrong with the electricity in his head ( he has Epilepsy ) . They had to stop filming him as he was telling his story . He also didn’t remember if he took his medication in the morning . He called a few more times with updates on his condition . When he finally got here it was almost 8:30pm . He left my house at 10to 8am to go home to shower and change before heading out .
    As he walked through the door I greeted him and asked how he was feeling standing really close in front of him I smelled something strange , a scent I had never smelled before. Of course I asked him about that smell and he says what smell . I said the smell that is all over you when he started with please not tonight he was glad he got home alright and how terrible he still felt. He did look pretty bad but he would look the same way after spending 10hrs. In bed with someone. I really feel bad if he was really sick and I’m accusing him of such a thing . But what was that smell? I really don’t know. He told me that he did have a seizure and that they wanted to take him to a hospital and offered to drive him home but he didn’t want to leave the car there. He showed me the inside of his lower lip it was all red and bumpy.
    I asked him when the next session would be and if it was going to take another Saturday since they only shot about 1hr. and 30min. And if that was the case I would accompany him the next time just in case he would have another seizure he would have somebody to drive him home.
    And guess what , he refused to take me along saying that it looked like he needed a watch dog . Well , I do beg his pardon !?!? Is he for real ? I know I know. Things are broken up again. He insists that he was not with another woman and I want to believe him so badly . He has no idea were the smell came from .
    He went home that night . I didn’t want him to stay because I could not bring myself to be close to him.
    What am I suppose to think ? Here he was talking about the future again . He told my sister we would come to Germany next year .
    On December 1. He is leaving for Egypt and God knows when he is coming back . He even asked me to go with him but I’m in the process of becoming a citizen and I’m waiting to be notified when to take my test. So I can’t leave besides 4 months ago I took in a rescue dog and I have a parrot .
    Don’t know what I feel I just know I don’t like the way I feel . My heart weighs a ton in my chest and I wish it would just stop beating one night soon. I know he will never love me the way I want to be loved . What does this man have that I can’t love without ?
    Is it the challenge that keeps me coming back time and time again ? I just don’t know .
    Could I please have some input before I explode !!!!
    OXOXOX

    1. Ok…. So….. If he asked you to go to eygpt and you have a heavy heart. I am presuming you broke no contact rule. And anyway is he even going to eygpt as you know they are compulsive liars.

    2. If you broke no contact well you feel this way and the pangs as the addiction is back. That is all it is addiction again. Nice to hear that you had a nice time with your sister.

      1. Hi Posi ,
        Yes I believe he is going to Egypt because he has not seen his oldest brother in 23years and there are 5 nieces he has never met .
        As for me going with him even though he asked me to is off the table even if I had a valid Passport and no animals . I would not put myself in a position like that by going to a country were the culture is so totally different with a man who is so unpredictable .
        I did break the no contact rule and I’m sorry but I’m not going to beat myself up all that much .
        I em human and that means that I’m not infallible . Falling off the wagon means just that . After I dust myself off I’ll get back on .
        My heart was still hurting before I saw him again . I put up a pretty good front trying to surpress my feelings even lied to myself about the way I felt . But the heart is very stubborn , it wants what it wants .
        I don’t know what I expected , maybe a little understanding from my sisters at this site . After allI can not be the only one who ever had a relapse . We are only human and we all make mistakes . In the end no one else pays but me . Thanks

        XO love XO

      2. You know Ladybug I am new on this site and I am so in the heart broken stage 2 months now and if he came back I would open my arms and repay again later just for a little bit of the love even though fake – I UNDERSTAND YOU AND I know I would do it again too 🙂

      3. Awww Ladybug 🙂

        You do have our support, we just don’t want to see you hurt that’s all:(
        If your a little miffed than that’s probably more about seeing the truth & not wanting to admit it & hearing your own inner voice saying ‘No Contact’ or you will suffer 😦
        Yes, there are a lot of relapses but, how many times do you want to go around the same track?
        Life is short & we either learn the lesson or keep repeating it over & over but, ultimately the choice is yours & you are responsible for it.
        Just take care & protect your heart, you deserve better & you are worthy of a good life without the Soc drama so, just be happy 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

        P.S. it is frustrating watching someone cycle back to the Soc because, we know how it ends & it’s always in tears or worse :(….

      1. Hi Pos, Pr & T
        I have also relapsed a bit, my narc (he more narc than spath i realise) sms,d & rang alot & i weakend. he been ok & given me money, so has his father, has behaved himself reasonably last 4 wks. But i hav lost friends, they got judgemental & i have omitted that i see him to one person as he will ‘divorce me’ but he has a gf anyway. I never talked about my on/off man alot to him anyway.
        T, my thoughts are with u, as i have relapsed, but i am keeping my eyes open & know he cannot change, hes the same person, as my aunty protectively tells me. she was cross at first but is understanding now, family should be? after all we are born into them.
        Love & light, understanding, prayers to u all from me. I did hav dream last nite that i couldnt find narcs car when i thort he was waitg for me. Is that a warning? I’ll be careful & hope i’m stronger, i’m waitg for mask to slip, if he not really trying to make it work or be just friends.
        Yes the heart knows what it wants even if head knows better, tries to warn us! I know i should end it, should I maybe just sms, as i dont want to hav ugly upsettg argument. He been treatg me better. Thus far.
        Love, light, healing, prayers. Are u in Aust yet Pos?

      2. Am I in Aust yet? What does that mean?

        You know, if you go back to it, you do. I think there is little point in people feeling that they cannot post, because they went back to it. That isolates people further from support.

        Also – the name of this blog is ‘dating a sociopath’….I know when you hope that it will change. I think sometimes having a period of him/her treating you better – even if it didn’t work long term, can be healing. Every situation is different. Sometimes you need to return, as there is more that you need to learn.

        With sociopaths- the thing is that they have no conscience, so to expect anything. The thing is, that once you know the truth, you will see through it faster, there is less room for them to hide.

        I hope you had a good Christmas!!:)

      3. Hi Pos, 🙂
        D’fly means are you in Australia yet. Lol
        Good reply re ‘ going back’, although I would never have gone back if I’d known what I do now. Still we are no ones judge & juror & as you said, we have to figure out for ourselves ‘why’ we are on this journey. Individually we all have our own reasons but, the common denominator is the Narc/Soc & lets hope that Dragonfly is better equipped to deal with hers?

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      4. Hi Dragonfly,

        I hope you are well & had a lovely Christmas & if the Narc/Soc is back in your life, that he gave you something nice for a present. We are only concerned for you well being & hope that you have found answers etc…here to protect yourself from futher pain/ hurt. We will always be around in some way to support you but, we are not you & your decisions must be your own. Just remember that you deserve to be treated well & never accept the unacceptable. The mask slips on & off so, you are prepared for that. One thing I’d like to say is, value yourself enough to realise that life with a Narc/Soc is never normal & happy people only accept normal.
        I wish you happiness & continued growth & courage.

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

    3. I lost count of how many times I have relapsed with my Pinocchio, last time I just received a broken eardrum and a VISA invoice…and today after all the damage he gave me I can’t say without a doubt, I love him with all my soul…but I know I can’t be near him because he literally was killing my soul.
      We are trying to be good sisters, just trying to prevent you of what you already know.
      The only one who can break the cycle is you.
      You and all the wonderful human beings who came to this site looking for an answer of ” why love hurts?” deserve to know that to lovw and to be loved doesn’t hurt.
      Take care of yourself! Un gran abrazo!!!

      1. Hello P.R, Positiva Girl, & everyone,
        Thanku for your lovely posts, your support, caring hearts, understanding. Yes I went back against my better judgement, with my heart,emotions instead of my head, mind, but at least better equipped with my eyes open this time & stronger from having your support, guidance, knowledge from reading & your forum, & yes my spath’s mask slipped off quicker this time & I had enough of control & frequent arguments, jealousy, rages instigated by him. His parents always sided with him too. We had a long talk,like closure over 3 days in late Feb & broke up on 12 March & he finally said no more contact. He was angry as i wouldn’t marry him or committ anymore to him, only as a friend & he wouldn’t accept me setting boundaries this time, so it was goodbye. No contact since 12 March, except to post back his socks, I prayed to God again, to take him out of my life & he did. I also had omens that rship was ending, in Feb. Dead bird found in my courtyard on 15 Feb, when he left as i was going out with a girlfriend, without asking him 1st & i got angry, blew up at him & he couldn’t take it, so he left. Also a lamp in my house blew over on a windy day, as my front door & kitchen door was open. That never happened before tho. Glass shards went all over carpet, took long time to get rid of them & my thumb got splinter. It came out next day with me using a safety pin. I took those as signs from God, Universe & heard msg in my head saying, your time, work with T is done. I haven’t obsessed about him, grieving hasn’t been as emotional, intense as past separations.
        I been doing more for myself, reading, walking, volunteer work & socialising with friends,day trips to Melb, going out like never before. I hope everyone is healing, & moving forward into the light & feeling at peace. He had drained my energy once again & I got sick of it, & being sounding board for his frequent venting, negative world views. His perception, reality is really ‘skewed’. Never mind. At least, we did have some closure, tears, hugs & goodbye. The last day we met, he was negative, said horrible things again,he just cant hide his dark side, narcissistic ways, he had to have the last word! Wanted the attention again. Probably accused me of what he does, or doesnt trust himself, deep down. He obsessed so much about my ex’s, talked about them, said i should go back to 1 of them, said we’re suited, that it became a self fullfilling prophecy.

        One of my ex’s has contacted me & we met up, are friends again. He’s not a spath, or narc thank god. He does have autism & very protective parents, who help run his life, check up on him .They pressured him to break up, in 2009 when we were dating, had long distance Rship. He couldn’t find anyone & still missed me. I still have some feelings for him, but getting over ex, healing my wounds, that made me attract the Narc. I have read a few more books since, the break up. I appreciate the company, contact, but need my own space & we only catch up in Melb every few wks & call each other or sms twice a wk. Hes very social & loves people, talking. He always enjoyed meeting my friends, going to cafes, talking, church.he is kind & affectionate & not jealous or possessive, i can see whomever I like, & he thinks of me as his girlfriend & it’s sweet.

        I been 6 wks no contact. I pray that the ex narc will not try to ring me ever again. I”m glad to be back on this site again, Love & Light xxoo thanku, god bless u all

  16. Oh my god, why does this have to be so painful. It is 2:45PM here and I am at work and almost everyday at this time I just break down, this is just so hard to take. I don’t know if it is because I get off work in 2 hrs and I don’t go home to a home I lived in for 8.5 years to my dog and ex narc – life changed so much in just 2 months. I just can’t stop crying, is this normal?? when will it get better?????: I am just sick of being so sad, I am sick of myself 😦 and I am just so stupid that I still love him so much even though he was so mean verbally . He is happy and I am in HELL 😦

    1. Hey please don’t torture yourself with his life. How happy he is.

      He is never going to be happy. He will spend his life filling his days playing the game. Doing all that he can to relieve the boredom.

      Constant drama. I expect his engagement is probably a need for attention (who gets engaged after 2 months).

      The truth is – he will NEVER be happy…. you will be!! YOU are the real winner here.

      Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
      Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
      You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
      Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
      Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
      While all around you are but pawns for your own use.
      Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
      In reality I watch as your psychosis gradually worsen.
      The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
      Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
      The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
      Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
      But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
      I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
      You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
      And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.

      Lucy Godden

      1. I know what u mean, are going thru. I have days where i miss the cocky charismatic charmer, handsome witty man, but i miss the image of him, what i wanted him to be, the dream, the facade, the potential. He never took me on the promised holiday,spent the big money on me, & said what did i do for him & if i really loved him i would have spent money on him, as one of his parting comments. My ex always Had to have the last word. At least we are real, we care, are authentic, we know what true love is, we feel emotions, we dont’ have to fake it, they calculate what they think we want to hear. I also been reading about empaths on the Happy Empath, Highly Sensitive Person website & that is interesting too & they have info on how to break away from narcissists.

        Ps, Positiva, P.R, My ex was decent, kind to buy me an Android for Xmas & some money for working at his parents holiday house in Portsea after xmas, & his dad gave me money. My ex gave me chocolates & a romantic drinking mug for valentines day, it was sad Rship ended soon after Valentines Day & we didn’t have a very good Valentines day. he always criticised me for spending time with my friends, keeping my social life going, instead of spending more time with him, when i was getting energy drain from him, his dramas, there were a lot of tantrums, anger, dripping sarcasm.

        For Xmas Day, Valentines Day & his Bday, I buy him T-shirts, Conspiracy info magazine, things for his car, he thanked me, seemed grateful for them at the time, but had to find things to blame me for, when we finally broke up. I had feeling he was trying to find someone else, to go onto before we broke up, as he was dressed better, wearing different bright shirt & different cap, when we had our final time together & said gbye – on 12 March. I tried to visit him & he wouldn’t answer door at his place, but he drove down st, & picked me up, drove me to my place, broke up & left. Then he drove back 2hrs later, tried to give me bible scripture, fixed my computer, i think, out of guilt at ending Rship, then we shook hands, he said no more contact & to ‘just friends’ & he finally left, for good.
        Love & Light & Gods love, healing to all 🙂 We are the winners, now & here’s to peace & quiet, tranquility, free will, to be our true selves, get to know person in mirror & our hobbies, passions, desires again, that’s exciting in its own way & free to do courses, study, meet new people, the world is our oyster again. My ex didnt like me saying that, I once got so mad at his control, possessiveness, that i said: i can do what i like, I will go out with friends, now my hip is better, I don’t want to be caged up, in prison, The World’s my Oyster. He didnt like that at all & when we saw each other again, for a short while, he spouted that at me, in teasing way, as often as he could. Lol

      2. Hi Dragonfly 🙂

        I love Dragonflies 🙂
        I am sorry your back here under these circumstances but, happy that you have found your way back for support.
        You know that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot change them, only yourself.
        It’s hard as an empath to give up on anyone you care for & caring for the Sociopath/narc is a wonderful gift.
        It’s really great to give knowing that you would not receive that true love back but, you gave your heart anyway so, that says so much more about you that the opposite.
        You took a risk & you tried & you are a beautiful person to even bother considering you really knew the inevitable outcome would lead you back here.
        You deserve real love & truth, integrity & compassion & hopefully you have found this within yourself.
        You now know that unless you have these gifts within yourself, self love, self respect, self truth, self integrity, self compassion without these you have nothing.
        You have the lesson now, you have the answers & you have self value so, don’t waste another minute reflecting back, just reflect yourself back & forward into your own light & love & peace.
        I am really well & made a huge step forward & finally ‘let it go’ officially & made a real ceremony of it 🙂
        I loudly & proudly said, ‘No More’ & I gave myself permission to ‘close’ that chapter & release it forever.

        I hope that you come to this realisation eventually & remember, who you are. We are no more or no less, we are all unique & valuable & irreplaceable. Our DNA is permeated with so many ancestors that survived to make sure we did also so, honour your history & survival & make the most of this life’s journey. 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      3. Hi PR, thanks for your lovely uplifting msg of support, Yes i am feeling stronger now, its been 2 & 1/2 mths broken up. Unfortunately i still hear of him thru mutual friends but they know i’m trying to move on with my life. He rings them sometimes & said he was broken, that he can’t get me out of, i’m still in his heart. That makes me miss him, feel sad,but I only loved the facade, mask, the dream he projected to me, didnt’ i? I had misfortune a few days ago to run into him at the shops near where mutual friends live, where him & i used to hang out alot, he liked joking & talking to his aquaintances and showing me off as his pretty gf at the shops, as i’m 14yrs younger than him. Even though i’m seeing another man, not a spath or narc, I found it very difficult seeing him in the distance, he only barely acknowledged me, after all we’d been thru, i thought he would have said hello Olivia, words at least. Just a sickly smile, he did look uncomfortable. He was talking in ernest to a man, no doubt about activist issues, Smart Meters etc. I felt sad, mopey, upset for long time afterwards & relived intimate experiences with him etc. I woke up thinking of him & the happy times we had, but i won’t tolerate being treated badly again, his dark side. The negative stuff keeps me strong, from thinking of reconciling. Yes its an addiction, like alcohol or smoking, I hate it when i get the cravings! Worse if we have even distant contact or see him at shops. I”m glad we don’t live in same town, but my close friends live in his town. I’m glad they not close friends of his, they don’t invite him over, they will talk if he rings them. One is a pastor, he has to be compassionate, caring, diplomatic, part of his job.Then my current man rang last nite & I felt so much better after talking, listening to how his day went & when we next catch up. He said a few wks ago, i’m with you, so u don’t go back to your nasty ex! So he doesn’t try to get you back! He has autism but hes a lovely man. We dated 5 yrs ago, so have past history together. Yes the Rship with the spath taught me to be more confident,don’t be afraid to speak out,appreciate true freedom, emotional & physical, have my self respect, say what i feel,& state my opinions freely now, never stay in situation if i have to walk on egg shells, don’t stay if Red Flags start showing, don’t stay with someone if i get a bad gut feeling, or feel dark energy, feel drained from person. I still have trouble getting my ex off my mind, in my thoughts, when i’m not with my man or when i’m not busy. Thats challenging. Hypnotherapy, prayer, music, drawing, courses, church & socialising all help though. I don’t live near family. Lots of love, blessings, light to you & the others on this site, us survivors.:) I’ve had internet probs lately, so haven’t been on as much.

      4. Hi Dragonfly 🙂

        You are doing great & naturally seeing him will ‘trigger’ thoughts & feelings & nostalgia etc…completely normal.
        The truth is, it happened & you cannot change that but, you have leart so much from the experience & that’s the ‘gift’ you have received so forgive him his inability to be the ‘real’ person you so richly deserve 🙂

        To me your very grounded & self aware now so, don’t ever lose that awareness again.
        The guy with autism sounds nice but, doesn’t need to save you or keep you as you are capable of doing this yourself now.
        Remember to look a the actions of people & how they ‘feel’ when they talk etc…do they connect with you deep down etc…go with the gut.

        I read recently that we become addicted to things/people for deeper reasons & it’s usually something we lack in ourselves etc…worth thinking about. It said weight gain is for protection & we eat to self sooth etc…makes sense to me, like comfort eating.

        Sending you continued Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxox

    2. T! I was in the same boat as you! Aug 1st is when he left my whole world fell apart too! I would cry uncontrollable! Everything was happening so fast one minute I’m married next minute I’m getting a divorce. Oct 2nd is when my divorce became final so if that’s not fast I don’t know what is!!! This too shall pass!!! At the beginning I couldn’t understand it I wanted to kill myself! Because how can he do this to me like he never love me!!! We just got married in Nov. So, can you imagine the pain I was in!!! That’s why seeing a counselor do help!!!! Once I understood what was/has happen I felt better about me and the situation! I had to congress and be real with my family and let them know what was really going on ( they are 1000 miles away). I had to tell them that I made a mistake that made me dealing with this easier too!!! It’s going to hurt but you got to do things for you and put it pass you. Each day gets better and better and better! I use to think about the way he made me feel but every time those thoughts would come I would think of the FAKE feeling, FAKE love, and the FAKE relationship!!! If you keep telling yourself this it will make it better for you to heal!!! My ex SP husband went back to his ex girlfriend I was upset at first but every time I thought they were living a good life I will pull your her order of protection she filed on him years ago! He/they never change, that’s why they talk about they have change because they can’t!!! I promise you it will get better, you have to let it go!!!!! Hey I’m in Texas!!!! Still worlds apart!! LOL!!!

  17. My boyfriend is a self-diagnosed sociopath. We have had many, extremely long conversations about his diagnosis, and what it entails. I love him with all my heart and I want to make this work more than I can put into words. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle him or the things he says sometimes. He thinks that the only solution is to break up for my own sanity. I have repeatedly told him that I don’t want to leave him. I am not what people would call “normal” either. I had severe depression that I have learned to manage, so it is not as consuming as it once was. I am in a stable enough place mentally to help him, but I don’t know how to. I know I can’t cure him, I just want to know how to make this relationship work. He is good to me, and I know he loves me, but he tells me he is unable to feel things including the conventional definition of love, but I don’t even know what that means. Love means something different to everyone, right? Sometimes, he gets angry at me for things and he realizes that I did nothing wrong and will say that I did nothing wrong, but he does not apologize. This is not something I have ever held over anyone’s head, so when I hear him say that he knows I did nothing wrong, that is enough of an apology for me. I want to be able to understand him better, and I am having a really hard time doing so. I am happy with him, I am just confused and terrified that maybe one day this will all come crashing down around us. When we first started dating, we were in different provinces so I saw a very different side of him. Even when he came to visit me during the summer, he was very different from the way he is now. I know that as you get to know the person you are with and the two of you become more comfortable around one another, you are more comfortable with showing them the real you. But he tells me that the way he acted was brought on by “social cues” and the fact that he didn’t want to upset me. I don’t want to be hurt by this, but in a way I am. He is very good with minds and knows how to manipulate them. The second time he came to visit me this summer, we had a bit of a falling out and when I approached him to talk it out and make up, he was crying. When that was brought up a few weeks ago, he told me he was kind of faking it. He never said he felt bad, but he said he didn’t want to hurt me. So I don’t know how to handle the fact that he was quite different for the first half of our relationship, and the second half, although wonderful in a new way, has shown me “the real him”. I don’t know if I should be mad at him for “lying” to me, I don’t know if I should ask him to be that person again, if I should accept that this is who he is, or what. I am painfully confused. Sometimes I wish I was the same way as him, cause then I would really understand and we wouldn’t really have this problem. Does he love me? CAN he love me? I don’t know what to do…. Someone, please help me understand what he is dealing with and how I am supposed to make this work. I know he wants to be with me, but I don’t think either of us really know what to do about dealing with who he says he is and this relationship as a whole. All I know is that I love him with all my heart and he tells me repeatedly that he loves me.

    1. You can’t help him. As he can’t change who he is. The best you could hope for is if you could love him for who he is. But it will always be about him and his needs. I think sometimes for those who are depressed. The charismatic types can bring sunshine into your life (for a while) as they are capable of mirroring you. Without emotion you won’t get weighed down with theirs. It doesn’t exist. You can’t make it ‘work’ you would need to give up yourself, your person, be owned and controlled and manipulated…. Oh and try to leave if you change your mind. Watch him then tell everyone how crazy you ARE. Everything you confided in him he will use against you. They are very good at playing victim. You say he loves you what this means is not your definition of love (putting someone else’s needs in front of your own) its ownership and control. Yes they can feel attachment and sex of course. They are predators and you will be owned by him. So him saying he loves you and then saying he can’t feel conventional definition of love that is a contradiction of term. A sociopath is very good at faking emotion, they don’t feel too much (well apart from anger rage jealousy).

      He won’t apologise. As he can’t see he has done anything wrong. According to sociopaths they don’t. They only make admissions when it is in their own interests to do so.

      When you first met you saw different sides to him as the sociopath is transparent and will be whoever they want to be to suit their own needs. He can change to be whoever he wants to be. Mirroring others for one reason to get what he wants.

      Yes he is very good at minds. He is devoid of emotion everything is a calculated move. To get what he wants. He was lying when he said he felt bad for faking it. Why would he feel bad. He fakes everything this is normality to him. He was telling you this as this is what you wanted to hear.

      He was different in the beggining as they go through the stages 1. Assessment 2. Seduction 3. Gaming. What you witnessed was the change from seduction to gaming.

      You will never see the ‘real him’ well rarely only when the mask is down and you see the narc rage. Even he doesn’t know who the real him is. He is always a reflection of whoever he needs to reflect for whatever occasion.

      You say you don’t know if you should be mad at him for lying to you? Get used to that as they lie all of the time. They are more comfortable lying than telling the truth (think how uncomfortable you feel when lying) this is how uncomfortable they feel telling the truth. He lies all of the time. Even when telling the truth would be easier he will still lie. Not just sometimes but all the time. Life is a game if he says this isn’t true _ he is lying.

      You could spend a lifetime waiting for him to return to who he was In that early stage. He won’t. He was seducing you being a mirror image of your needs and wants. Being who you wanted him to be.

      I understand it. Very well. (Like understanding a second language I just have to translate sometimes it hurts my head). But it didn’t take the problem away.

      No he could never love you in the way you can love him. He fakes it to get what he wants. He feels connection, ownership, possession, control. He could never feel empathy for you or your needs. It’s all about him. His needs and wants. It will always be this way.

      Read my blog posts. I think I have covered most things. He doesn’t love with his heart and never Will. He thinks with his mind and is not clouded by emotions. He might say he loves you. But he has already told you he can’t do this. He feels connection, ownership, need for control he feels this if you are useful to him for whatever reason. They dont like letting go after they have put in the effort of seduction. And they don’t like anyone else to have what they think they own. But this isnt love. It is ownership.

    2. Hi Ryen 🙂

      Welcome to the site & I hate to burst your bubble but, he will eventually ruin your life & you will have been put through hell until it’s gets too hard & then will come the discard.
      If he is a Sociopath then at least he is upfront about it & his motivation for telling you is probably a test to see just how controlled you are. He plays to your kindness & vulnerability & it sounds as if he is winning.
      You should be in a relationship with a normal person, then you would understand how the Sociopath relationship truly differs.
      Everything you read on this site & others is all true, real victims/targets have told their story with great insight & pain….take heed as you can free yourself before you walk further down the path of Soc destruction. They never apologise unless caught red handed in a lie & even then will make you pay for catching them out. They absolutely hate exposure & the manipulation is amazing, his telling you what he is proves that even knowing this, you will still try & save him with your love.
      My Soc is with the other woman right now & she knows what he is & has chosen to stay. Perhaps she thinks she can ‘out game’ him?
      That’s not possible, she stays because she is dependant & vulnerable & has been abused/betrayed & confused so, basically her brain has been invaded & she thinks she is in control but, remains stuck in the abyss or the fog of confusion/depression a bit like quick sand really.
      I know this because I was an OW like most of us here, I didn’t know it then but, they keep your mind fractured so, when you have clarity, they cause insanity too keep you off the track….that’s the way they roll & I hope you save yourself before it’s too late….we are here whenever you need us but, it’s your life so, all the best 🙂

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

    3. They never change, they can, but they don’t want to, they dont think that being selfish, dishonest, liars, womanizers, cheaters…is a problem
      Please, give yourself the gift of an honest relationship where respect reign… far far away from the chaos of the sociopath.
      Mine is a rebound relationship, we were together for 2 years when I was 18, and now 21 years later we recountered. It seems I didn’t learn my lesson. Everything turns uglier the second time around.
      Please save yourself a lot of tears, that’s the only thing we get when we consent to a relationship with those Pinnochios.

    4. “All I know is that I love him with all my heart and he tells me repeatedly that he loves me.” The problem with this is, you don’t know whether that is the truth or if he just “doesn’t want to hurt you”. The reality is, you will NEVER know. You can ask and, it sounds like, even get the response you hope for. So, do you REALLY want to know? Because, if you do, you chose the wrong guy.

      He is doing what it is his nature to do. Unfortunately, this isn’t going to magically get “straightened out” one day. This is what you’re looking at as routine with this person:

      1- I feel happy. We had a great day together. I feel loved.
      2- Soc told me he just can’t do this anymore, that he really cares about me and doesn’t want to hurt me. He left without even an explanation. I am heartbroken.
      3- It’s been over a week and I am out of my mind. I can’t eat, think, nothing. Where is he?
      4- Two weeks have passed, soc texted to see if I wanted to meet to talk.
      5- Soc got wishy-washy and canceled our meeting. I am devasted. Can’t eat, think, nothing.
      6- We finally met tonight and soc seemed to have nothing to say. I asked where he’d been and got one-word answers. He seemed preoccupied. I am so frustrated. Why won’t he open up?

      And on, and on, and on. It’s beyond a roller coaster, this is the definition of a living hell. Just one more thing as food for thought: You know who is said to be the author of confusion, right? Think about this… is there ever positive intent behind anything confusing or chaotic? Someone has an agenda somewhere. Matters little if it’s intentional or unconsciously built in if the outcome is the same.

      1. I have a similar list:

        Happy loving for few days but he would tell me he has to protect me for my own sake.
        Will make u feel guilty for looking at answering sms’s on mobile. Wants quieter life just with you (isolation)

        If u try to see your friends more than he is willing to let go of control, if u try to go out, he will say things to make u feel guilty for going out & leaving him, (hes not the most important thing to u)

        He goes distant after you have taken control of your own life. He may have weakened & called old gf, or answered calls from other ex’s that he left hanging, for you earlier. I could’t trust my ex, i had bad gut, sinking feeling from when we reconciliated in July.

        If u sms, try to make up, call him, he probably will ignore u, you could be left hanging on, wondering, for wks or even months. As you seeing your friends, he felt he couldnt control you & may have moved on to the earlier ex’s or new friend, as they take advantage, of new opportunities, have poor impulse control & they crave excitement in rships & intimacy.

        It is sad, i’ve been thru it & not heard back from mine for near 8 wks & hope not too now, i was too stressed & felt mentally drained, unhinged & addicted to him, to his dreams,what he fed to me, the happy, larrikin, caring side of him, but which wasnt the real him. the man under the mask.

        Hope it works out the best for you, even if if means a break away, time apart. love & light, support. xxx

  18. Thank you for posting this just when I needed it. I read your entire site three times and go back to it everytime I start to think “no he isn’t a Sociopath……he loves me..maybe it is all in my head and he is telling the truth”. My back to reality life preserver so to speak. I am ready to share my story. It is a 10 year story so it may take a bit to sort it all out!! So much pain, so much confusion, so much sadness and so much humiliation, anger, loss and tears~

  19. There was a hotline number that a reader shared on one of the posts but I can’t recall which one. Does anyone have that number or know where I might look for it? I want to share it with someone.

  20. I don’t know if I can post a link here, but I was listening to my ipod today in the car and it started to play one of my songs I’d written a couple years ago but forgotten about. It was after my sp let me down in a big way the very first time. Music and writing is how I work things out. The song is pretty raw and only recorded at home, but it made me feel better hearing it today and reminded me that he’s been this way all along…it’s not me and it’s not you. It’s THEM. Here is the song…I hope maybe it will make some people feel better, only if you know that you are not alone in this. Thank you everyone for your stories and support. For those of you I’ve been reading about who are newly “discarded” I feel a lot of the same stuff….shock, grief, like I have no idea what to make of the last three years—like he stole my story from me—as if everything I believed is a lie. And I too keep thinking he’s “happy” and got everything with the woman I never knew about (they just bought a house) and I keep thinking well he chose her over me, etc. But the truth is, I’m the lucky one because I escaped and I know the truth and he can’t manipulate me anymore. He can’t love and he isn’t really happy. She has money and DR before her name, but that’s it. He’s living off of her and I couldn’t give that to him so he chose her. I’m better off…okay now I’m rambling…but anyway–they don’t love the other person, they don’t love at all. Asking for help is really important–reach out and keep asking…you need to surround yourself with people who are good and whole and true…
    Okay here’s my song….http://www.icompositions.com/music/song.php?sid=166764

    1. Hi B 🙂

      I had a quick listen but, am at work so, didn’t hear it all.
      It’s really lovely & you can hear the pain & feel it 😦
      I was discarded abruptly & my Soc is now firmly implanted with a Dr of Sociology & she is loaded $$$$$ as well.
      I met her & she’s a nice lady but, he’s done the snow job on her so, for now she stays??
      Keep going, be brave, it does get better….you have to keep writing your music, it helps heal you & helps others, spread the word via your music 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Thanks for listening–when I heard it again today it just resonated with so many of the thing people are experiencing here so I wanted to share it. I’m sorry about what happened to you too. Yeah, this one he chose over me looks nice too–I haven’t ever met her and I hope I never do. I think I read somewhere that they sometimes prey on people who are accomplished because it’s like a badge of honor to them. The money part totally fits in with the “values” of the guy I was with—he bragged sometimes about how all that mattered to him was money no matter what he had to do. I guess I should have listened…I thought he was just trying to get a rise out of me. I will keep writing–thanks for your support!
        Peace (I am hopefulstill–but logging in with this other account seems to work better- was having trouble posting before)

      2. PS— the words of the song are true also, in that I started running back then, to work off the pain. I find that physical exercise really helps with that too. I started again today, as it happens. Maybe that will help others too. Peace.

    2. B, lovely song!!! I need it right now!!! My Ex SP has put my name on all these dating sites! He had made that comment when he was discarded me. I really believe he has put my email out there to the subscription to all of them all of a sudden this week every single one of them has sent me several emails!!! It is hard not to curse him our!!!! HELP! I know he is trying to get me to break!!!!!! The games they play!!!

      1. God that is awful. Mine used to brag about how he got rid of people and just never talked to them again—I don’t seem to have to worry about him bothering me, that’s for sure –thank goodness. I’m sorry yours is doing that–they can’t stand it if they lose control I guess. But good for you for not responding to him.

        Thanks for listening to the song–I hope it helps. I sang it a couple times again today 🙂

      2. Oh my goodness!!!!!!! Are they all the same? My ex soc said t you see how I disregard people and I can disregard you. But before he said he can cut people out of his life and never talk to them again, never thought I would be one of them. He has also said t I leave peole in my wake, never got that until now 😦

      3. I think you can contact the sites and let them know he did that. They will block his email then I think from doing it. I hope so for your sake anyway!

      4. Yep & they hate losing, it’s like chess & he is the King…don’t engage or react, just ignore & delete emails from dating sites or go in & remove your details….put his up in gay sites or something LOL….sorry but, my bitch came out again 😉

      5. PR – LOL!
        Here I am looking for the last 30 mins for the link (you know how technically challenged I am), your over here being naughty! LOL!! Oh well, add him to the adult diaper list!! Regarding the smear campaign on the Internet, I haven’t tried it yet, but I did have a look at the website, I just don’t have time at the moment. This article was published about it “just delete me” throw your name in the search engine and it will show you where you are and how to go about getting your self off and the degree of difficulty. I am sorry you have your name all over the Internet. I too would be devastated, which is why I wanted to find this for you and anyone else who has been exploited. I hope it helps! Xoxox – nibsih😊

        http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3866288

      6. Thank you Ladies, I had to pray!!! LOL! And bring it back together! Not to loose sight on what I’m dealing with!!! Who does that????? Like really!!!!!

      7. Lol Kay, we all do that 🙂
        Keep reading & learning/supporting & eventually you move through the trauma & ‘pop’ out the other side like me :)….keep popping you will be rewarded with a ‘new you’…

      8. Like he trying to help me find somebody!!!! Like really!!!!! All I can do is laugh, now!!! He is crazy!!!! I thought I have heard it all!!!!

    3. Hi B, yep mine was always talking money & I know he definitely targeted the OW for prestige/status etc…she’s deaf so, wears hearing aids…lucky her she probably doesn’t hear all his BS 😉
      I used to tell him he was a contradiction, re money…had a Harley Davidson, flash convertible car, Rolex Watch…everything branded & designer but, he said he wasn’t materialistic….lol….he’s a fireman & car dealer so, all those damsels in distress….what a con artist….phew, glad I’m finally free 🙂

      You will get past this & the self awareness is mind blowing & postive so, hang in there 🙂

      PR xoxo

      P.S. Mine has a trophy cabinet of china Royal Doulton lady figurines & I am in it with soooo many others, it’s scary & freaky but, his son collects ‘Predator’figurines from the Alien movies….his son is his wing-man (late 20’s) my Soc is 58….really weird family :(…..

      1. HI NIBSIH,

        Yes the lady figurines & predator figures are really creepy & just goes to prove what a totally delusional person I had the misfortune to encounter!!
        He really is quite the full blown Soc, great power & control of many & feels superior to all of us…scary but, true 😦
        He told me many times how he just watched all the fools at work etc…he was behind a lot of ruining to get where he has on the chain of command that’s for sure!
        I am good though & can laugh now at how ludicrous he truly is, a maniacal nutjob 😉
        Giddy from his own power, really gets off on it….loopy la la, dolly collecting mad man!

        Love
        PR xoxo

      2. Your funny. Have you heard from him at all since you split or has he just got on with his life? I must admit collecting dolls is an unusual hobby for a man.

      3. Hi Pos 🙂

        I have seen him but, from afar only & by sheer coincidence.
        He drove past me, in his predatory slow drive that he does & he didn’t see me.
        I just watched unmoved & then continued on my merry way 🙂 really I did 🙂
        That’s when I knew I was ‘over it’ & he drove past my house & I coincidentally was driving into my street & once again I looked & continued unfazed 🙂
        You know what was the hardest part after everything, I really was blown away by my own stupidity (I know it’s all part of the Soc hypnotic stuff) but, I was really lost outside of myself.
        I am now back into ‘ME’, that was my lesson & I have taken it seriously.
        I had known nothing but dysfunctional relationships all my life so a step up to major dysfunction with my Soc was natural. I had been primed for it a long time before & I am no longer accepting the unacceptable in anything or anyone…that’s very liberating 😉 😉
        You have been a conduit for this self discovery, you are ‘MY HERO’….& I’m now my own hero 🙂
        xoxo

        P.S….my book will have a Royal Doulton Lady being attacked by the Predator figurine (LOL)…I had a dream, that I was locked in the glass cabinet with all the ladies & we were all looking out at him with his next target. Boy did we laugh, “look he’s telling her how special she is blah blah, wait here comes the, ‘I can only be myself with you”….roaring laughter…wonder how long until she arrives in the cabinet, she looks nice!!! 🙂
        We were all beautifully dressed with our stamped little bottoms…PR xoxo

      4. Hi Pos 🙂

        Yes it will be about my story & my journey within 🙂
        I will make it pathos & bathos….genuine pathos to ludicrous levity….my new word is BATHOS 😉

        Gee I’ve learnt a lot more than I realised 🙂 :)….
        You are not alone, I am here with you, even far away, I am here for YOU 🙂

        PR xoxo

      5. OMG!!!! HOOOW SPOOKY!!!!!

        Do you know I was just sat writing story of the three psychos, as I am writing my book and pulling it together. Thought I would check my blog…and that song was ringing in my head…. and i looked on here and you wrote it…. seriously!!!

        I sent you a message on facebook it might be in your ‘other’ file.

      6. 🙂 that last post you wrote I knew before I read it & I am about to reply 🙂
        I told you we are all linked on another realm of consciousness 😉
        You already know that, your a way shower remember 🙂 🙂

        xoxo

      7. PR–It amazes me every time I visit this site how similar so many of our stories our, including specific details. It makes me feel better. I’m reading every day and honestly I don’t know how I’d maintain reality without hearing that I am NOT ALONE. Thank you thank you thank you. I have to be constantly reminded right now that he’s not normal and that he can’t love and that it’s not my fault…

  21. Hi t on,
    Thank u for your sympathy it is very much appreciated !
    I’m sorry for the pain u are feeling . I wish I could give u a time span as to when it will become bearable , but I can’t .
    We know from many other ladies on this site who have come out on the other side and so will u & I but we don’t know when that will be. There are no easy answers .
    We will make mistakes and get weak once in a while and I’m o.k. with that because every time I go back I realize why it can never ever be . It actually puts more distance between us and makes it a little easier while more hope is going down the drain . And that’s a good thing.
    Hang in there . I feel your pain , ur not alone
    Catch the hug that’s coming ur way !!!!!

  22. Ugh. I just got a text from a friend who is very spiritual saying that I in fact tried to make the sp into something he wasn’t and that’s why things got so skewed. REALLY???? Are you kidding??? She’s a great friend, but I can’t believe I just got that response. I told her that in fact I did accept him for the person he PRETENDED to be and I loved that person unconditionally. That was my downfall, because it was ALL A LIE. Thank you for listening everyone…I have to get some sleep 🙂

    1. Don’t take offence from your friend, she means you fell in love with the illusion…not your fault as we all ‘get it’, others don’t but, we did fall for the same predator & thought our dream guy had arrived but, we were all duped & deluded…remember the Soc is your mirror, your mimic, we fall in love with ourselves until they slowly show the real them behind the mask!

      1. Yeah, maybe I misunderstood her, but I know anyhow, that her intentions are totally true so it’s okay. But maybe she’s just not someone I can really vent to at this point, which is okay.

    2. B! If friends and family never been with a SP they will never understand what you (WE) deal/dealt with! Don’t take it personal. That’s why Group Support helps! We are sharing, healing, and laughing. I feel like we share a bond. I’m so happy that I found you guys! I really couldn’t do it without you!!

      1. He disgusts me. I swing between hating his guts and thinking he’s basically an animal and sobbing uncontrollably and wondering why he chose someone else and JUST DIDN”T LET ME GO. I asked so many times if there was someone, and turns out it was the same person he claimed he broke up with before he was with me. UGH. I know in my head it’s not my fault and even if he could love, why would I want someone who can lie about virtually everything. I think back now to all the outrageous things he claimed, a lot of them medical things, and just shake my head. On the way to work this morning I thought “well now that you have proof of his lies, you’ll never let this happen again” then I quickly realized that even when I didn’t have proof, I KNEW. I should have never waited until I found proof. Hard lesson to learn, in the future if my gut says it’s wrong, or a lie, I’ll listen without any proof.

    3. Mark Twain stated – “A lie could travel half way around the world before the truth could tie it’s shoes”. Soo when I hear a less than truthful statement or something questionable, I try to remember this. Smart old man!

  23. Hi PR,
    Thank u for your kind words and for trying to protect me from more pain.
    The truth is , the pain never really went away for the 3&a half months when I did n’t see him . When I saw him walking on crutches I just went to pieces. I needed to know what happened it just got a hold on me . Even after that day when I saw him walking away ( on crutches ) I fought with myself for another two weeks before I made contact .
    I know it’s crazy , Love is crazy it makes u do crazy things even though ur hurting your self . We are all so use to the pain anyway
    I don’t think however that I hurt myself that much .
    When he came back 12hrs. After leaving my house that morning looking like hell and smelling like another woman it made me realize again WHY I can not be with him . I’m not in agony any more . They say that hope is the last to die and I think I’m in that stage now . My hope is dying . Maybe that was what I needed .
    I will get away because I know I have to . I will never be happy , I will never be able to trust him and I will never be loved the way I want to be loved but I have to do it my way . The less I feel for him the easier it will be for me to send him to the moon .
    My threshold on this subject is and always was very high . It is something I’m working on in my weekly therapy session .
    So thanks for the caring and thanks for the LOVE . I do appriciate U so much!
    Big hug from me to U !!!!!

    1. Awww Ladybug 🙂

      I got that hug & backatcha 🙂
      Just take good care of your lovely gentle heart 🙂
      It’s hard, I know & you are very resilient…..stay strong 🙂

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Hi PR!

        I hope this message makes it to you. I know it’s getting close, so I just wanted to wish you an absolutely amazing trip to Bali! Have tons of fun – enjoy the company of your girlfriends, take advantage of your private pool, eat lots of chocolate, be sure to overdose on champagne…and most importantly, celebrate your freedom, your progress, and the fact that you are Soc free 🙂

        Save travels, my friend!

        Prophette
        xoxo

      2. Hi Prophette 🙂 😉 🙂

        Thank you for your wishes 🙂
        I’m off tomorrow the 12th 🙂 & I cannot wait!
        I have my Soc tan (yes it’s fake lol) oh & my new swimming cosi which is also Soc like cause it’s got fake boobies & it’s all illusion 😉 LOL

        I will take your advice & do everything you say 🙂
        I hope that you are doing well & keep up the great work 🙂
        It does get better & better & just put the madness of the Soc behind you (if you can) & make plans for your new future, YOU will thrive knowing what you know so, don’t waste another minute on him or his memory, just make new improved ones 🙂

        Love & Light my friend 🙂
        PR xoxo

  24. It makes me feel so better to have people who know what I am going through. Some people who haven’t been through don’t understand and think you are crazy. So sorry for all you guys are dealing with. This is my story:

    In 2011 I started dating a friend/coworker of 2 years. He was charming, smart, funny, sweet, life of the party type of person everyone loved to be around. We had spent time together with other friends/coworkers and then he starting indicating he wanted more than friendship. I was attracted to him but he had a girlfriend who lived three hours away. I told him I would not get involved since he was with someone else. He assured me he was ending things with her and they had no future and he didn’t love her. We started spending more time together and I was happy. Other than being raped as a teenager, he is the only guy I have slept with and he was so sweet and considerate about it. He told me he loved me and had never felt this way about anyone else and his feelings for me were so intense they scared him. I fell in love with him and was so happy.

    I got pregnant, it was not planned, and he changed. He tried to force me to have an abortion and then tried to pressure me into adoption. He bailed and I found out he had never broken up with his girlfriend. He tells her about me and the baby and she thinks I need to put the baby up for adoption and he says she won’t “let him” break up with her. I also find out he has issues with porn and finding women online for sex. I try to maintain contact with him for the baby’s sake, then when I am halfway through the pregnancy he comes to me crying and says he is sorry and wants to be a part of his child’s life. I was still in love and wanted my baby to have his father and foolishly thought he would change and we could work things out even though he was still with the gf. He then runs hot and cold with me and I never know what kind of mood he will be in from one day to the next. I feel the need to maintain a friendship with my child’s father even though he doesn’t want to be with me. He bails on drs apts and ultrasounds. He informed me his gf would help him raise his baby and proceeds to give me orders about what is going to happen and who will do what when the baby is born. I cut contact with him.

    When my son is born he shows up at the hospital with his gf. My brother refused to let her in the room. While I am lying in bed after a C-section this jerk tells my mother I owe his gf an apology for fooling around with her man and trying to steal him away. My mother got in his face and confronted him and asked specific questions. He got this evil sneer on his face and his eyes went wild and the tone of his voice changed. He told my mother he was telling me what I wanted to hear when he told me he loved me and he certainly didn’t up his game for me. Wow what happened to the charming sweet guy I had been friends with for two years and fell in love with?! He then told me he and his gf would be coming and taking the baby for a few days when we got home. (She has since moved very close to him.) I told him no.

    He showed up at my home and physically threatened me and my mother threw him out. He has a very sweet brother who is gay and I really like, but he tells me he hopes our son calls him a fag and that our son better not ever be in the shower when his uncle comes over. How sick! I trust my son with his uncle and boyfriend more than his father and gf! He hates my mother, has issues with women. He had/has a weird relationship with his mother. He makes smart aleck remarks about his female boss and other women. My son’s doctor is a female and his father questions her judgment and told her his son didn’t have reflux and she needed to take him off the meds. He told me he loved it when a woman was wrong, that it felt so good! He thinks he knows everything. No one can tell him anything. He is smarter than everyone.

    I tried to tell his gf I was sorry she was hurt and I would have never gotten involved with him but he lied and told me they were through. She choses to believe it was all my fault and I caught him in a weak moment. They are living the fantasy that they were a loving committed couple and I am the whore that seduced him and tried to break them up. Even though he had multiple flings of cheating on her, this was all MY fault according to them! And she is now trying to play Mommy with my son to get back at me. They are both sick and deserve each other, but I don’t want my poor baby caught in the middle.

    I never refused to let him come and see his son but I didn’t let him take him out of the house. For one thing it was winter and you don’t get a newborn out and I didn’t trust him. He then sued me for custody. We went through three rounds of mediation and one trial. I have appealed the decision because in true sociopath fashion he managed charm the mediator, judge, and his attorney. He put on his fake cry and the judge said I was a controlling mother. My having to breastfeed my son due to severe reaction to formula and acid reflux became, “mother’s selfish decision and action to keep child from spending the night with his father.” I have to work to support myself and my son and was already pumping three times a day and having to supply the babysitter with 20 bottles a week and the father was getting a few hours Wed, Thurs, Fri, and most of Sunday so I had to give milk for that too. My son was nursing every two hours When I told him there was not enough milk for him to have him overnight his response was, “He won’t starve.” There was no way he could be away from me overnight nor could I possibly pump more. I was only nursing until he was 1 year old when he could have whole milk and then he could spend the night with his father. I was told I was going to have to mix breastmilk with formula (against drs orders) or figure out how to produce more milk! I had to fight for my baby’s nutrition but his father got all the major holidays in return for that. Yet I am the selfish one! And he is the poor mistreated father of the year! He actually got credit for overpayment of child support for that reason. ( I never asked for a dime, child support was court ordered when he filed for custody) My attorney has a background in psychology and told me, “He is no doubt a narcissist, but he is textbook sociopath too. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice.” My son is almost 2 and we are still in a court battle. I have spent almost $10,000 in attorney fees. This is money I don’t have and could have used for things my son needs, but will do whatever I have to do to protect my baby.

    Thanks for letting me vent. Please keep us in your prayers.

    I have gone the tenth mile with him and been flexible with visitation. I buy gifts for him and his family from our son for bday, Christmas, fathers day, etc. But nothing I ever do is good enough. He demands rather than asks for anything. And everything is always my fault and he never takes responsibility for anything, he always turns it around on me. I finally saw the more I did the more he expected and used as an excuse to walk all over me. He has kept our son two hours later on three occasions. I asked him to respect the parenting plan and he accused me of keeping his son from him. I don’t believe his love for our son is genuine. He treats him more like a possession and a trophy. People who buy this loser’s act think I should be grateful that he wants to be involved in his son’s life. They just don’t get it!

    These articles hit so close to home and describe so well and give great advice. I feel so stupid for being duped by him. I would gladly cut all contact with him, but unfortunately I can’t since there is a child involved. I would love to read more insight on how to co-parent with a sociopath.

    1. This sounds so similar in some ways to what happened to me, except I was the girl 4 hours away and I got pregnant but had a miscarriage in the end. I feel so bad for you that you have to deal with this, but when I miscarried, in my pain, I wrote a short story about what I wish had happened. The basic theme was that the baby would have been the best of both of us, instead of the worst (which we seemed to bring out in the end) and that would have soothed me. I thought about doing it all on my own, because he was HORRIBLE TO ME. Said I was ruining his life and wanted me to have an abortion. I am 47 and I have no kids so I REFUSED. He couldn’t stop me and was super mad. I wondered what I would tell my child if I refused to let his father in his life because I knew I didn’t want him to wound a baby the way he hurt me. I thought long and hard about it, and was very torn too. I understand why you wanted to give him a chance. I didn’t tell my family about it all, because I didn’t want them to hate him in case he did come around, for the baby’s sake. All of what you say makes a lot of sense on why you try to have a relationship because of the child. You have to make your own decisions and set strict boundaries. Way easier said than done….

      I hope you have family and friends to turn to, you are trying to do the right thing for your baby, in the circumstances where this man might be redeemable, that would be good, but in this case, I’m not sure the damage he can do is worth it. Only you know that answer.

      I had planned to do things on my own, but I have no idea if I could have resisted his bullshit. I see myself in your story and him too. I am sorry you’re going through this.

      In the end, I miscarried and was devastated. He abandoned me after this whole incident.

      Turns out he bought a house with his so-called ex gf of 3 years, one month before he got me pregnant. Now she’ll have his kids.

      I guess, as much as it hurts to not have any children, I’m better off…

      I am glad you have a child and that is a beautiful thing. Don’t let this man ruin that for you….if you have to tell the child someday his father was mentally ill and couldn’t be supportive, then so be it.

      I know plenty of well-adjusted adults who were raised by one parent.

      God bless you…

    2. Hi JH 🙂

      Welcome to the site 🙂
      I am so sorry for all your pain & suffering & the fact that you have a child that you have to share with this monster 😦
      The Soc loves having a connection & will use this to his advantage to twist the knife deeper when he gets the chance 😦
      I did not have children with mine but, I have seen how he has used his now adult children to wreak havoc on his ex-wife’s life so, I am deeply saddened for you but, there is hope out here.
      If you google co-parenting with a Narcissist you will find others in similar situations & I have a link for you also,
      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-empower-your-children/
      I hope this helps?

      Please take good care of yourself & your little boy 🙂
      You are not alone & others here have children also that will help you 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

  25. I got so teary eyed when i saw my country on this list. i dont know why .. maybe it goes back to me thinking im in this alone. Its painful to think that so many of us are hurting because we loved someone who could never love us back. and treated us so badly, so horribly. I cant begin to count the amount of times i’ve questioned myself. I used to be so self assured, comfortable in my own skin and abilities and now im rebuilding all that. Something i already had but gave away or maybe he took in away in small pieces. Either way, its starting over and it is dreadfully scary. I sometimes wonder if i will actually recover. I really do. Im understanding what happened .. trying to get to the point where i know beyond a doubt that it was NOT my fault but im not quite there yet.
    I understand what he is. That he is a monster! A terrible, evil man. But what am I? I’m way more educated than him but he’s managed to make me feel like such a fool. I don’t even feel so smart anymore. * the last time we spoke i asked him a question .. simple question and he told me only fools ask foolish question. btw i still got no answer for that question*
    I did some bad things to please this man (not break any law though) but i compromised my values, my principles and my morals because i was so caught up in him,making him happy. Keeping him calm and with me. So now i wonder am i that woman? the one who doesn’t love herself enough to say no. Mind you that used to come easy to me. But now i don’t know.
    Today’s not a good day. I’ve been struggling a lot today.
    Thankfully i haven’t called, so thats good 🙂

    1. First of all WELL DONE for not calling!!!

      Secondly – one of the reasons that I did put up the countries was so that readers did know that you are not alone – people are experiencing this all over the world!

      You know that you said you used to be so self assured etc… you still are. His words cannot change who you are. You need to forgive yourself. We have all done very odd things that we would never otherwise do when under the influence of an abusive person because we want to please. We want things to get better. As it is an addiction they can drag us down with them.

      This is another reason to put on your list why you are better off…. and you really are. Someone who makes you feel bad about you. Is not good for you.

      Take one day at a time. It can feel overwhelming trying to change things forever. If you take just one day at a time it is far easier (its easier to be strong for an hour or a day than thinking you have to be strong for a lifetime). 🙂

  26. I am so sad, at work and just a crying mess, really?? He was so great for so long, he actually spoiled me for a long time – this is so so bad. I feel like crap. The holidays coming and he will be spending them with her and just really does not care about our last 8.5 years and seriously discarded me, took me out with the trash, mean mean man and I am so devastated how on Gods green earth did I not see it????? How can he go on like nothing ever happened and how mean he was verbally, never say that coming. thank goodness I have a counselor appt tomorrow 😦 just so miserable. 😦 right now I just hate my life 😦 so so sorry 😦 just venting because I can’t scream at work

    1. I think the holidays bring up a lot of emotions. But try not to let your mind run away with you about him and his life.

      You said he was so great for so long and spoiled you – he did he was seducing you to get what he wanted. he is now seducing her for the same reason – to get what he wants.

      You ask why did you not see this/ It isn’t that you are stupid. It is just that they are expert at manipulating lying and deceiving having no thought for the impact on you or anyone else.

      He goes on like nothing ever happened, as to him its business as usual. You might think why has he changed for her? He hasn’t. He might think that he has. But the same behaviour will re-occur. I bet if you delved into his past that he has previous history of this with other exes too.

      1. I know and I sound like a broken record going over and over about this but I just stil can’t believe it – thank you I just don’t know what to do

      2. That’s good you have a counselor!!! Seeing a counselor actually help to heal yourself! How long have you been seeing her??

      3. I have had 4 visits so far. He is the one that said my ex was the poster child for the sociopath before I ever read about the narcissist or sociopath – I was so confused in the beginning still am but now I know, still don’t understand how a man can be so very mean like a light switch never seen anything like it 😦

      4. Hey t, I just wanted you to know that how you feel right now is normal. It is normal to experience a sense of disbelief. Of feeling like your head is stuck in a washing machine on fast spin. the fog of confusion.

        Remember that nobody stays confused forever. confusion is always the state of mind that comes before clarity. In a way confusion is a better state of mind to be in. This is the time of denial…. it is normal to go over and over it again and again so that the reality does sink in….. (then you quite often become angry)… (although not always in that order)

        Read the post in healing recovery the 5 stages of grief and the healing process. Another feeling is grieving the person that you thought they were (that perfect person in the beginning and realising that person didn’t exist).

        it is normal to repeat yourself. you are hurt… and you want that hurt to go away…. and it will….

      5. I agree with what the other commenters here are saying. I’m freshly discarded as well and I’m reaching out to people I trust in my life. Today I was able to laugh about it because some of my favorite co-workers and I spent some time conjuring up scenarios in which we would get comedic revenge on him. Like showing up at his house pretending to be the neighborhood welcoming committee and seeing his reaction to me. Sending them a sweet housewarming present, etc. etc. It was funny and made me feel better. Don’t be afraid to ask people for help. You are loved I am sure, and those people want to be supportive but you have to tell them. Let them care for you. People have been super nice to me about this, including here. It sucks to go through this, but you will heal from it. Trust this is not permanent. You are a real person who can love. He is not.

    2. Awww T 🙂

      Hang in there, it’s really hard I know but, you are going to be okay.
      My Soc was nice & supportive for a long long time & he’d probably still be around if the OW hadn’t exposed him to me?
      He got caught so, the choice was me or her…she won, money, social connections, a title…gosh I even passed his Advanced Diploma in Business Management for him…he showed me his photo accepting his degree in cap & gown & didn’t bother to even invite me to the ceremony!!! Humpf they are such loser palosers & I can’t dob him in because it’s fraudulent so, could sink my own ship 😦
      Please remember who you were before him, you are not ruined & you will rise above this 🙂
      It’s a shitty road to travel but, your on it now so, we will help you along the way…you know that verse, as you walk through the valley, look above at the cliffs & you’ll see us all cheering you on…”come on T”….”you can do this”….”not far to go now”…”keep going” & if you stumble we will help you up & push you forward….you are not alone 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. Awe this made me cry, such sweetness, thank you. I am so hyper sensitive these days – God forbid people say how are you LOL

    3. Sounds, like my situation! My counselor told me the same thing I started researching exactly what a SP is! It will get better T!!! Because I had to make sense of it too! It happened so fast I was arrived one day and getting a divorce the next! They move real fast!!!! Once you realize that everything was fake and regardless of what you would have done or haven’t done it would not change things! Right now you have to work on you!!!! It will get better! The counseling sessions will help!!!! Now in my counseling sessions I’m working on me! He will come up but he is not my whole session, we talk about how to find me again! I’m realizing I have neglected a lot of things in my life!!!! But my SP made it like he was looking out for me!!!! But, he was just holding me back on a lot of things, job progress, work I wanted to do around the house, things I wanted for myself and my child! So, right now I have a lot to do!!!!! I don’t have time to think about him anymore!!!! Because I’m living my life!!!

    4. Hi T,

      Welcome to the site! You sound very much like I did in the months after the break up. Unfortunately I did not fully realize my ex was a Soc until around the 9 month mark after the break up, and this is when I found this site (thank Gawd). So – I basically made myself crazy for the first 9 months, spinning in negativity, trying to figure out what happened, why everything changed overnight from being perfect to turning into a nightmare, and I let the guilt of him saying it was all my fault eat me alive. I cried so much I’m surprised I didn’t flood my house.

      Then pieces started coming together during counseling – and I found this site, read every article Pos wrote and everyone else wrote – and everything started to change at that point. I took control over my life – and said “no more”. I had already wasted 9 months crying over someone and something that wasn’t even real. And you know what he did while I was busy grieving the relationship? He immediately met someone else, started a “serious” relationship, and bought a house with her. Meanwhile, I was sitting here wondering if it was possible to drown given the amount of tears I shed.

      Anyway – my point in telling you this, is to say that you are lucky. You figured out he was a Soc already – and you’re here! Listen to all the advice that everyone here gives, bask in the support you’ll find here, and make yourself accountable to this site. When you’re feeling low, and are tempted to either reach out to the Soc, or look at any of his social media – DON’T. Instead, come here – tell us what you would have wanted to say to him. The best thing I did was to stop contact. It’s easier and quicker to get over what happened, when you’re not constantly adding new things to contemplate. I didn’t exist for the Soc, and by instituting no contact, now he doesn’t exist for me. By doing everything I just described, I have made more progress in the last 4 months than I thought possible. I just celebrated one year of being Soc free last weekend – and I am thankful. And if you start focussing on you and healing yourself, I promise you will be too…

      1. Hi Hans,

        Thank you! This has been a long and difficult journey – certainly the hardest year of my life so far. I find myself often thinking about the other relationships I’ve had in the past.  At the one year mark, we had all moved forward in our individual lives and even though things didn’t work out, we still believed that we were brought into each others lives for a reason, and that it was more important to work towards a friendship and stay connected, rather than lose touch.  We were all mature enough to give each other the support/respect/honesty needed to find closure, and focus on establishing a friendship instead. In fact, after the Soc finally moved out (he had moved in with another girl and left me sitting amongst his things for two months not knowing what was going on bc he was in silent treatment), it was these exes that came and helped me.  They came! Brought tools and rebuilt all my furniture I had put into storage for when I had to make room for the Soc to move in.  They came and hooked up all my electronics bc I couldn’t tell one wire from the next.  All this, so that my house would feel like a normal home again.  And most importantly, they came and reminded me that the reason they were here helping was bc I was a good person that didn’t deserve what the Soc did.

        My point?  One year after a break up with a normal person, I am still a confident, happy and independent woman – who instead established an amazing life long friendship with the person.  One year after a break up with a Soc, I still have to make an effort every day to stay positive and find the happy/independent woman I used to be, fight to keep myself in no contact mode when I’d like nothing better than to tear a strip off him, and remind myself daily that finding him and running him over in my Jeep is not the right answer.

        So – yes, I agree that a one year pin is definitely an important milestone to celebrate after being with a Soc.  Thank you – I will wear it with pride!

      2. Yay Prophette 🙂

        Congratulations on your ‘Pin’….perhaps we should get a picture of a donkey & play pin the tail on the Soc ;)…LOL
        Keep going, stay ‘No Contact’ as you will never get through to a person that thinks they have done nothing wrong & is that delusional that they believe their own lies 😦
        You have done a great job & it’s hard to realise that the Soc was a complete waste of time but, you now have your life & freedom & time back to do as you please 🙂
        Go out & make it a priority to live life to the fullest, appreciate all the great & worthy people in your life & don’t’ waste another minute on the fool we call ‘Donkey’ 😉 Eeyore!!

        I still think a ‘Rainbow’ ribbon would be a great idea for Soc Suvivors 🙂 we get our pot of gold after we work through the colours of the rainbow :)….Keep looking as the pot of gold is YOU 🙂

        Love & Light 😉
        PR xoxo

      3. Thanks PR! This No Contact business saved my life – there is no way I am going to try and communicate with that crazy person again. I love the PIN the tail idea – but i dont even want to see a pic of the Soc…eeeew! Karma is so gonna bust his butt.

      4. Prophette, You betcha & I know this for a fact! The Karma bus is coming & it’s picking up passengers so, he better watch his back 🙂 LOL

        A Karma story….My ex husband ran off with our business receptionist & my friend 10 years ago. All my friends spread the word & they shut him down “big time’, I did not ask them to do that nor did I want them to do that.
        His best friend even came to my aid & they are no longer friends. They shut his business down & he literally he couldn’t show his face.
        His life has gone from bad to worse & he is a shadow of the man he was with me…I did not wish this nor did I have a hand in it but, inevitably the Karma bus caught up with him….
        I still have a relationship with him & his girlfriend as I am not a vindictive person & figured that’s where they need to be etc…
        He left without any remorse & moved her straight in & it was Xmas & my son’s 6th birthday when he left….no money, told me to suffer as he had a new life now so, to move on etc…Guess someone was listening & thought they’d give him KARMA.
        I had my daughters 21st Birthday last week & he & his GF were there & my daughter & everyone thanked me for my special girl & gave him no credit, which he acknowledged he did not deserve. SO you see, Karma does catch up & if you hurt good people it does come back, just doesn’t have a deadline…but, comes a calling 🙂

        Just keep being a great person/role model & live your life happy, it is the best revenge truly xoxoxo

      5. All aboard! Gawd – I’d be willing to buy him a one way ticket onto that bus!! Your karma story about the ex hubby….wow, did he ever get what was coming to him. He lost everything – friends, family, the business! That’s what happens when you’re bad to a good person. Karma scares the crap out of me – every time I think about doing something a little bit nasty, I think “unh-uh, I ain’t messin’ with that Karma chick, no way.” Once I finally started getting my sh*t back together, I realized that nothing I could do to him was going to be anywhere near what karma will do…so I may as well just stop plotting, have a glass of Zin and book a spa appt.

        🙂 🙂

      6. Cheers Prophette, I will 🙂

        You keep up the good work & support others here as I take a break 😉

        Love & light always 😉

        PR xoxo

    5. I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. Just as others have told me here, it is not your fault he is a liar and mean. It’s very hard, impossible really, for those of us who are capable of caring about another person, for us to wrap our heads around what has happened. Even if you cannot see it now, you are so much better off without him. What you have to do is stop imagining he’s happy with her—he is incapable of real emotion. He is USING her. He cannot feel. You on the other hand, can feel real emotion, because you’re in pain, which means, over time, when you heal from this, you will be able to feel and experience real love. Something sps are not capable of. One thing that is helping me is knowing that I’ve done nothing wrong and I did EVERYTHING I could to make that relationship work–in ways I had never done before. It wasn’t my fault I didn’t have all the information, and it wasn’t my fault he was pretending to care and be human. I couldn’t have known. It’s not the fruit of the action that matters, but the action itself. You loved and you were true and in the end, you can hold your head high and know that you are above and beyond anything he will ever be. You will look back on this someday I hope, and see yourself in a good way. You were real, honest, and faithful—nothing he did can take that away. Peace…

      1. Just remember, no matter what you do, no matter what she do, it will never be enough. It’s just a matter of time, she will be on the same shoes sooner or later. He is just reenacting the same drama with his new acquisition.
        My Pinocchio is still sending messages intended to her “accidentaly” to me, the same words he used with me were reenacted to her.I’m sure he did the same thing with the one before me.
        Just feel compasion for what is waiting to happen to her an be grateful that you are on a better way

      2. Good Girl B 🙂

        ‘Pay it Forward’….you are WORTHY,BEAUTIFUL,AMAZING & NO IT WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU, it was all about the selfish Soc….don’t change, he cannot change YOU….your FABULICIOUS ;0

        PR xoxo

  27. I am so sorry for the pain you all have experienced from these losers! You are all in my prayers. I appreciate your support. I wish my son’s father would just go away. I would gladly make do without child support if he would just get out of our lives, but I don’t see that happening because he sees our son as his possession and uses him as a pawn in his sick game. I don’t have any choice but to let him be in his life. I live in Tennessee. The court system is moving more and more to extra rights for fathers. All they see is a child needs both parents no matter what. Unless there is evidence of physical abuse they don’t look at any other factors. No matter if parents were ever married and it doesn’t matter how old the child is.

    1. I have a friend who had to deal with a sp ex with regard to her child. He was awful to her and never took any responsibility. My friend had to learn to “pick her battles” and in the end, her daughter is now an adult and sees the father for what he is. It wasn’t easy, but she was able to get through the worst of it. She set very strict boundaries, only dealing with him when it was absolutely necessary–it helped that his family sided with her too, and also, she just pretty much gave up on trying to get child support (though he did get detained once and car impounded for non-payment) because it just caused more problems. It wasn’t fair or right, but I guess she felt it was the lesser of two evils…I will ask the universe to protect you and your son…

      1. Hi B 🙂

        Smee again 😉

        My ex-husband (19 years) was a Narcissist & didn’t pay child support & still try’s the poor me to this day 😦
        I have supported myself & both my babies & my daughter cannot stand him & my son thinks he’s pathetic but, still loves his Dad.
        I went from that ‘Donkey’ onto the Narc/Soc for 10 years so, lesson learned ‘BIG TIME’…
        I am not a stupid woman but, boy do I know how to pick them!!!
        Oh well LOL….never again & it’s my time now 🙂

        Oh & God if your reading this, I ‘GET IT’, I really do so, no more loopy la la’s PLEASE!
        Stay Positive 🙂
        PR xoxo

  28. My spiritual advisor has recommended that I read up on a few different authors who are renowned for work on co-dependency … One author is Darlene Lancer (Codependency – What It Is, What It Feels Like), the other is Melody Beattie (Codependent No More). I want to understand my OWN issues and why I CHOSE to project what I wanted him to be (even though he had shown a lack of integrity as a friend, before we became romantically involved) and why I CHOSE to overlook my own alarm bells and red flags. I don’t feel like I can find a functional, emotionally healthy man and start a healthy relationship unless I deal with this now.

    This is a great website, and is a great tool – I hope these resources I’m sharing are also able to help with the healing …

  29. Hi everyone
    Where do I start I have been with a soc for 3 years and it has been hell to the point were I have nearly killed myself . It is only now I know what he is and what has been happening is not my fault. When I first met him I felt so comfortable he felt like a real friend and a good listener I felt comfortable telling him about my previous abusive an violent partners . I just felt so normal around him . I didn’t feel any instant attraction to his looks it was just that closeness however when we slept together for the first time it was amazing I’d never had such a connection like it . And I wanted to go back for more I felt great he always made me feel great like I was the apple of his eye an the most beautiful woman on earth. He told me he was in love with me after a few days . I was really blown away I’d found my soul mate. However the head games started within a few weeks he would make me jealous about other woman and use the jealousy against me . Facebook was his tool to do this he would start to say how fantastic he is an how so many people want him . He created such fear in me fear of him going to someone else that I started to bend over backwards tryin to please him . I would be having a normal day and all of a sudden he would create an argument he would be so nasty to me and gode me to retaliate and when I did and walked away he would jump into bed with someone else tell them he loved them and put it all over Facebook i felt distroyed and humiliated i just couldnt understand what was happening and how sudden it happened and all my emotion . he would say sorry and he loved me and Of course I’d go begging back to him and saying why have you done this he would say I thought we were over I didn’t think you wanted me anymore he said he did it because he was so upset. I’d go back an the pain i felt would instantly go again like an injection or a drug and everything would be good for a few weeks then he would get bored cause a row and do the same thing again an again . But the arguments got nastier every time he would mentally abuse me totally rip into everything about me He diprived me of sleep going on and on all night telking me how horible and discusting and nentall i was . i would go to work the next day like a bag of nervs not wanting to talk incase i broke fown an cried and wondering where he was And what he was doing . After he had been out an had a good time he would say sorry and I would have him back so the pain would stop this happened for 3 years and he has ruined every Xmas every holiday and every occasion I ever looked forward too. He has slept with so many other woman every time we broke up even to the point of out of my bed one day into another the next . I got so used to it an felt like it was my fault maybe if I hadn’t of been stuburn he wouldn’t have gone to them he made me think it was always my fault an the more I went back the more humiliated I was the more people laughed at me and the more horrible I felt about myself. The last time we were back together I really put in over 100% my world and everything I did revolved around him . I was walking on egg shells trying to please him an keep him happy but still the same he started an argument about nothing and be horrible to me. I just thought to myself there’s nothing I can do no matter what I do he will still do this abuse me use me and still go out and do what he wants . And the more I let him back in the worse he does he left me in crap financially too . I realise he doesn’t love me or care about me only his self and iv had no contact for 2 weeks but I still feel emty inside and get upset thinking about him. It’s really hard coming to terms with the truth. But I’m determined to do it this time and I really believe he is a soc .

  30. Hey , it’s me again the girl that breaks all the rules
    I have another dusy for u . Thought long and hard before putting it out here but here it is even at the risk of getting beat up again . After all I’m so use to it , feels almost normal .
    After going yet another round the weekend before last and fiasco that ended in another breakup , I send him an email last Monday . In it I asked him how it was possible for him to turn his love on and off at will and if it was something that he had learned or if it was just an out of sight out of mind kind of thing . I also asked if this was something only Egyptians know how to do or if it was because he is a sociopath and really didn’t know the meaning and the feeling of love . That the profile fit him really well with the victim mentality , the lies no sense of right or wrong, no concience no human emotions in other words no soul equal to not HUMAN .
    So there, I did it I called him out .
    Something came back to me , something he said early in the relationship , he said “you have never met anyone like me “. I think he knows what he is . Well little did I know at the time but I sure know now and I wanted him to know that .
    It seems that when he comes back it is to see if I’m in compliance now , after punishing me with the silent treatment for several months .
    He has not replyed to the email . Must be to much of a shock and that is good . I do not expect to hear from him ever again .
    As for me ,I’m o.k. My head is finally taking over my heart and I know that I’m on my way to recover from this nightmare . Don’t know however if I will be able to be with another man because of trust issues I had before I met the Sociopath . But whatever it will be I’m going to be o.k. with it since I lived alone for 9 years before this Sociopath encounter back in 2010 .
    To all of you who are still agonizing over what has happened to you I can assure you it won’t last for ever. It just takes time. I know it’s not an easy road to be on when every day seems like an eternity and you just want to die .
    Remember for every heartbreaking story on this site there is also a success story . I don’t think any of us will ever be the same like before this horendes experience but that’s life. It was another lesson we needed to lern .
    Someone once said the lessons we lern the hard way ARE the lessons we never forget . I will never forget this part of my life .
    Love u guys , ur in my heart and in my prayers !!!! Go easy on me. Big Hug!

    1. Mine said the same thing about “you’ve never met anyone like me”. I’ve read others on here saying that same line.

      I don’t know that you are off the hook yet. I believe he’s probably heard the same things before—it just depends on where someone is in the cycle. It is probably very amusing to them to predict a victim’s predispositions and have them either clarified or contradicted. Either way, I’m sure he will have some handling for/of you, if he is prepared to handle such questions in general and wants to keep things going.

    2. Hi ladybug I know that breaking no contact is something that happens. So no judgement from me 🙂 I wouldn’t expect a reply to the email. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised If he used that against you. Well…. He could…. How did it make you feel to send it? You know it empowers him and just gives him the ability to ignore you. Which can make you feel worse.

      But….. It can take a time for the heart to catch up with what the head already knows. You know unless he needed supply he wouldn’t respond to you. And even if he did he wouldn’t answer questions would just avoid and deflect.

      1. Hi Pos,

        Your response is so bang on. Before I realized the Soc was a Soc, I tried reaching out so many times – and never got a response. And sure enough, it would always just make me feel far worse. My friends who were connected with him on Facebook would tell me about random useless posts he would make – and I’d think “you have the time to get onto FB and post about nothing, and here I am, my life fallen apart, waiting for some kind of acknowledgement”. Then when I would send a follow up scathing note about his blatant disregard of me, he would reply saying he was just too busy. Too busy! What an absolute jack*ss. Now that I know he’s a Soc, I totally understand what he was doing. Showing his control by ignoring me. Every time I feel like I may slip, I just think back to how bad I’d feel waiting for a reply that never came. And that in itself is enough to motivate me to stay in No Contact. After a year of struggle, FINALLY the heart caught up to the head – and that is due in part to this site. Thank you!

      2. Hi Posi and Jusagurl,
        I think I did myself a great favor by letting him back in to my life the last time . He thought that his foot was back in the door and everything was honky dory and that I was as love struck as I had been in the past . He had no idea how much I have grown the last 4 months thanks to this site .
        When I hit the send button on that email it felt liberating to me .
        Now he knows that I know what he is . I don’t care at this point if I ever hear from him again and as I said before I don’t expect it.
        The turning point for me was that smell he had on him after being gone from my house for 12 hrs.
        My thoughts went back almost 30years to another very painful experience . At that time I sniffed every shirt that I took from the hamper before washing it .
        Does anybody know how that makes you feel ? I have not thought about much lately after all it happened almost 30years ago . But that night when he came home with this strange and unfamiliar smell on him I relived every emotion that I felt all those years ago .
        As I told him that night ” you know where you were all day and what you did and my nose knows and I believe my nose. The fact that he refused to take me with him the next time only strengthend my believe something went on and I wasn’t going to have any of that.
        It is enough now with all the lies, the manipulation , the making me think there is something wrong with me .
        It’s like I see him through different eyes now and that I owe to you Positiva andI thank you so incredible much for that .
        What he does from here on is no longer my concern . I hope he leaves me alone now but who knows what his plan is .
        I’m not afraid of him and he is never coming back in to my life and I hope he knows that and moves on.
        Thanks Guys for caring XOXO

      3. I think we all learn at our own pace. Nobody else can tell you what is right for you. Sometimes you have to go back around the wheel a few times. One thing is for sure once you know the truth you will never be blinded again.

    3. Hi Ladybug!

      No judgement from me – I used to reach out to the Soc regularly in attempt to get answers and some kind of closure. I think it’s completely natural for us “normal ” people to try and seek out the truth. In fact, this whole “no contact” business goes against our grain…we’re born with a moral code that says we should treat people with respect, and that if someone hurts you – you simply let the other person know how you’re feeling, and you sit down and discuss things in a mature, honest, rational way and try to reach a point of resolution.

      Unfortunately we all know this doesn’t work with a Soc – but that doesn’t always prevent us from reacting in a way that, under normal circumstances, is how we would typically handle this issue. With a Soc, the rules are different…and any emotionally sound, normal person would find them difficult to follow.

      It took a long time for me to realize I was never going to get any answers or a sense of closure from the Soc…and that continuing to reach out – and never getting a (satisfying) response, was just making it even harder for myself to move on.

      Continue to be strong – I’m glad to hear you’re on the road to recovery!

      Prophette

      1. Do you know what’s really funny? My ex-sp looked up my LinkedIn profile today. I know it bugs the sh!t out of him that I am NC for the last 2 months. One of my male friends told me he thought that my ex ditched me when he realized he couldn’t control me. Now he’s stuck with a new wife who is as insecure and controlling as he is, and I bet he HATES it (as far as girlfriends go, I wasn’t controlling at all – as matter of fact, I’m pretty easygoing – except when he used to antagonize me)

        I’ve blocked him (and his wife) from Facebook, I’ve blocked his email addresses from my work and personal emails … I love this NC business – because I’ve moved on and I know it torments him – all while I’m having a great life. If I could say one thing to him, it would be “peace-out, you pox-ridden man-whore” … (LOL) 😉

        But why bother, silence is SO much more effective!

      2. **Best revenge ever, living well**
        I totally agree, sometimes saying nothing, says everything. I can not wait for NO CONTACT. My youngest is 10 1/2, God has given me the grace to tolerate him for 14 years, 7 1/2 is nothing. :)!!

      3. Hi Darling!

        That is funny about your ex-Soc checking you out on LinkedIn – bc he has to know that you’ll easily be able to see that he did that! Do you think he did it in the hopes of trying to evoke a response out of you? Especially since you’ve gone dark – they can’t handle that. My ex-Soc refuses to change his address even though his sorry a*s moved out a year ago. Before I knew he was a Soc, I would always reach out to him about his mail…so that’s what he got used to. It would always lead to a fight though and then silent treatment, bc he would want to come over and pick it up, and I would always say no, and offer to mail it to him instead. He still has it come here, but since figuring out he was a Soc, and finding this site – I just return to sender it or throw it out, depending on my mood that day. Anyway – point is, I think the LinkedIn thing is similar…just a game to see if they can prompt a reach out.

        Good on you for the whole blocking thing!! Silence is definitely the best answer 🙂

        Prophette

      4. Hi Prophette,
        thanks for commenting .
        I think you are right in that the way we normal people go about to find the answers. It is so difficult to use this technique on a sociopath because of the way they are wired . On the outside they look like normal human beings but there perception is way off from normal people .
        Before we know that , this brings about a total lack of understanding between two partners. But once you know that , it becomes exhausting because you constantly have to try to think like them . It’s like translating between two languages with only one of them being your first .
        I really don’t need any more answers – there are no more questions . It does not matter any more .
        The only thing that was wrong with me was HIM . Thank God I know that now ! I believe the facts and my nose over anything that could come out of his mouth ever again . The truth has finally set me free and it feels dammed good . Thanks Positiva .
        Hope you’re doing well , because nobody should have to go through this .
        Love and Peace !

      5. Hey Ladybug – love the name, by the way 🙂

        You are so right about the exhaustion!!! Before I found you guys and realized he was a crazy person, I would try and try to get him to talk to me – and I remember sitting there getting so frustrated bc he just wouldn’t reply – or if he did, it would be to play victim and blame me for the break up. The constant blame and silent treatment just wiped me out emotionally. I was a disaster. Now? I agree with you – there are no more questions and at this point it doesn’t even matter. The only thing that is important to know is that he’s a Soc. End of story.

        Continue to be free!

        Prophette

    1. I don’t know how to do that t? Is there an option to stop following a blog? I don’t think I have the option to stop following can you go to the bottom (I think that is where It is located) where it says follow by email ? And unfollow? I think you can do this? But havent tried it myself. Can you let me know how you get on?

      1. I don’t want to unfollow I want to be able to come on at home. Can I just change my name and then e-mail like I am just starting? I did not know there was so much to read and lord knows I don’t have a life anymore. and need all your company

      1. No problem, wordpress – is a blogging community – we are in it’s where you set up and logged into your account. You may not have realized the name. Or you linked through another account to get here.

  31. I took my son for his flu shot and sent his father a text to let him know. His response was in the future I was not to take his son to the doctor without checking with him first and to not let it happen again. Now concern for how his son was feeling or anything. I have always let him know ahead of time for checkups in case he wants to go and when I go for same day sick visits I let him know ASAP. I did the flu shot as a same day walk in and I paid the co pay, you would think he would be grateful. But everything always has to be about him!

  32. OMG! You started this blog February 2013!!! This is another blessing. I was so depressed in the beginning of 2013, I did not know or understood what happened. Not only that I lost my job, possibly my home, and about just everything! I just wanted to die. : ( Then strangers came into my life who knew of his reputation, one telling me he was a sociopath. The fog was starting to lift. I found your site in April to help me to understand and research the subject. It has not been easy I loved and missed the false persona he sold me. Since the discard, and it hasn’t been a year, god came into my life plus a great job, and new great close friends! Unfortunately for him, for we live in the same small neighborhood, I’ve turn the tables around on him. He messed with the wrong young widow! I didn’t roll over and disappeared like his other victims that he intimidated or just did not care as long he got what he wanted. Now he’s mad at me because I succeeded to pick myself and shake the dust off. I now see through his constant lies. Thank you! You are part of that god-send to help me. I still have a ways to go but it’s getting better and I’m growing stronger : )

    1. Its good to hear you are getting stronger Becky. What is even stranger is that in Feb 2013 I was still so traumatised I had no concept of the outside world. That came back in March/April 2013. I think I wrote every day in March. I had so much to say……

      1. I was unbelievably devastated, as you were traumatized. I’m am very sorry for what you went through! I truly believe fate brought you to me as well as others to help me open my eyes and get me through this! All of the people you have helped I’am sure helped you too : ). You truly have created a very supportive support group. Thank you.

  33. Much love and respect to everyone reading these articles. Thanks so much to Postivagirl! These articles are well explained and I can relate to almost all I’ve read so far. I currently am an undergrad student studying psychology so I enjoy reading as well. 6 months ago I went through the worst heartbreak. He definitely was a sociopath. He even lied about the street he lives on. So ridiculous. Anyway, I’m so glad I found this blog. I tend to relapse a lot. I still dream him. The dreams tend to be romantic/erotic but my dream persona doesn’t really enjoy it. But then I wake up very much disturbed. I definitely am missing the physical contact. He really did pretend to be everything I wanted. Mirrored my morals, my likes, my interests. He adapted to me. Now he’s with someone new. Someone a lot like himself. Weird enough they even sort of resemble. My friends agree with me. Now I see him for who he really is, which isn’t worth my time. But I feel so much like a fool for investing so much time into that relationship. I’m only 20 so I know I have a lot to learn still in life. I just hope I can stop emotionally relapsing soon. On busy days I do just fine. But days when I have a lot of free time on my hands is when I relapse…I start thinking about him similar to how I daydreamed of him when we were together. He really pretended well. My friends remind me that who he was with me isn’t at all who he really is.. therefore I’m attached to a mask, a facade. I know that’s true. Yet it doesn’t always make it easier to forget…

  34. I came across this site while i was searching about people who dont know how to love.

    The person who i was dating sounds a lot like wt u wrote here. I never knew before much about sociopaths or psychopath but after what happened to me I began researching in order to understand better the reasons of what happened to me and to get over this. I am 24 years old and I am in love w a person that did such horrible things to me. I have been the victim of a selfish “love” cause i dont know what that was. Me and him were having some little fights and I wanted to break up with him. He always said he loves me so also crying many times while he said this.

    One day, after 8 months i decide to break up with him cause we were fighting many times over small things and i could not trust him. When i wanted to break up he told me he will kill himself ofcourse i thought it is because of the break up and i was extremely upset but he told me he was raped so I told him that i will be there for him and we will get over this together. Ifc the next months i was very depressed as I felt so dissapointed cause of all the bad things that happen in this world and for what happened to him He said he was doing drugs to get over the pain of the rape and that he is scared not to be gay. I was so depressed and sad those times I couldn’t do anything I am an artist, could not create anything and almost failed my exams. I tried to get distance from him but he was calling me many many times and writing to me always also called me 15 times in one day. He was telling me many things to make me jealous like he is seeing other girls or meeting his ex girl and in some days he would tell me he will kill himself because he has nobody and gave me his facebook password saying if he doesnt come online tomorrow means he killed himself and i should tell his friends what happened. Of course i was scared and always encouraged him but at the same time was trying to get distance so i was not returning all his calls. Also i must add I left my boyfriend with who i was with for 3 years to be with this guy , He always was saying tht he has job interviews but if i dnt mention it he forgets about it so probably were lies,, After about 1 month he told me his ex girl came to his house and stayed there until really and that something happened but he cant tell me( in this time we weren’t together). Of course i felt jealous and i wanted to see how this girl looks like so i went on his facebook account and there i saw he was flirting with many girls while he was telling me that he misses me and loves and that he will always be there for me on his facebook he collected tons of random girls and was telling them and his friends bad things about me, calling me ugly names and many lies like i dont leave him alone that i call him always and he feels bad for me thats why he doesnt ignore me and also was telling them that he got raped and i left him whn he needed me the most. After i confronted him with this and i told him i do not wish to keep in contact with him. The second day i saw on facebook a suicide note and his sister told me he killed himself i was so scared and worried. I asked one of his friends to tell me the truth and OFCORUSE he was NOT DEAD! I ignored him after tottaly… he was calling me writing to me over 30 emails with crazy stuff and crazt lies tht he was in hospital and tht his mother had an accident tht he took i dnt knw wt pills these were all lies and i knew it. I tried to block him everywhere was making new accounts talking to my friends, telling them lies to try to convince me to talk to him.

    In his emails he was saying let me just clear the things up. After one month we skyped for say goodbye and ofc he was so charming and i was so weak i missed him a lot felt bad for all the things. He told me he was very jealous and tht he wanted to make me jealous and he just try to look cool to his friends. He composed and sang a song for me on valentines day. I asked him to tell me the truth for always and i will forgive him and he confessed tht he met a git a couple of times while we were together and didn’t tell but it was AS FRIENDS… yeah right…I continue talking to him he was very kind encouraged me for my university, was “taking care” of me always if i needed something, He says he wants tht all is good between us that he realised he loves entirely that he cannot stop think me tht im the only one in his heart and such lies…:(

    3 Days ago I asked him to show me the doctors’ tests cause he said he made tests for aids. I ask him AGAIN if the rape was true.. He starts to tell the story of how it was. Then i ask him again and i tell him i will forgive him he asks me if all will be the same if i love him and such stuff then he says” well i have to be a man” LOL how pathetic and tells me the rape didnt happen that it was a lie! the second day whn he saw me ofc changed i was SO UPSET he insinuated tht the rape was true then I ask him if he felt any compassion or pity or mercy for me when after he told me that he was raped and i cut myself because i felt so sad and he got very angry told me the rape was true then he said it was not true then he said he hates me then he said he loves me he was crying a lot he was saying me to forgive him to give him another chance that he loves me so so much…. I told him i dnt want a relationship with him and that if he cares of me he should leave me alone. He was trying to manipulate me saying he has noone he has no reason to live noone loves him( at the begin of our relationship he also was telling me about a miserable childhood that his mother and his father would beat him until he bled and tht she tried to stab him, was also telling me tht his ex girl said she was pregnant w his baby and she tried to make an abortion and tht he tried to kill himself )

    Now i am just trying to get over this its hard to have love feelings for someone who did so much pain to u. I feel he doesnt realise what he did like gives no importance, Its sad we have to experience this and I am sure he will do this to other girls >

    .I feel i hate myself for let this happen that i was so stupid and the worse thing is that after all this pain i still feel love for him and i am ashamed to say that!

    😦 I was thinking also to contact his ex girlfriend to ask wt happened but i am worried that i cant also trust her or dont know what to tell her and maybe is better to bury this thing as soon as possible… I see him stil lying to his friends about little things he lies and manipulates people he did many things like u described in ur story.

    This site really helped me and gave me a wake up call somehow i need to get him out life fast. Also its good to understand what he is I have been searching for an answer since December of why he acted like this so i can move on, I was always asking myself what i did to deserve this I ruined my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend for him and i ruined my relationship with my family as they are dissapointed in me for this and for university and i dissapointed my university tutors but I know ill get better soon.

    We just gotta hold our head up high after I get over this I know I will be stronger even if now I cry everyday. Better things will come and now we can appreciate those good things, those good people more! I think I am a better person now although he made me act so bad.

    LETS ALL BE BETTER! ❤

    1. Hi and welcome to the site.

      Your family, friends, university, and you can all be repaired, but the beauty is that you can repair you….. without someone else controlling you and deliberately ruining your life. With regard to his ex, I don’t know it depends, a) whether he still has contact with her (do they have children together or mutual friends) if yes, then I would advise no, it would only bring further trouble. If they have no contact and the ending ended badly – she might talk to you. But equally she might have moved on, and not want to hear anything further about him.

  35. well done for such a blog – i am slowly trying to figure out what a sociopath is since i had no explanation for my partner’s way of reasoning, his selfishness, egoism, lack of conscience, lack of empathy and lies …. I feel so sad, confused and alarmed

    1. Hi Sealover 🙂

      Don’t worry about the label or whether he’s a Soc or not etc…none of those traits you listed are commendable so, I’d seriously be considering whether loving someone like this is what you deserve?
      I think once you work that out, you’ll find your answer.

      Best wishes & Love & Light to you 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Dear Pheonix Rising – excellent food for thought – much appreciated and thank you – I guess I have to find both the courage and a way to let go – I wish you peace, health and happiness – Seafarer

  36. I have not been on here in a while, it now has been 9 months since this all happened. I am so much better. To all that are going through this I promise it does get better. I am not 100% happy but can breathe now. Thank you all for everything. Hope everyone finds some sort of happiness somehow. Life is a bit scary alone. My narc is getting married 8/30/14 that will be super hard day for me but just have to remember it is not all peaches and cream other there and he will do the same to her – as I welcomed her in my home she deserves what she is going to get.

    1. Hi t welcome back!!! I remember being there once. Just months after a 7 year relationship he announces his upcoming marriage (he wasn’t a narc) I felt terrible and you know years passed. I thought of his ‘happy’ marriage you know years passed…… Then one day I learned he had done exactly what he had done to me. Identical and the carnage he did to mine… Was done to him…. In a very public way….

    2. Hi T,
      Congratulations for remaining so strong & getting on with your life.
      It will be hard on that day so, may I suggest you make a celebration out of it & get the champers out & invite your true friends over & commiserate on the new OW’s walk down the aisle & into the abyss 😉

      I have personally had the same happen re my first husband & a friend.
      Can I just tell you, she did me a huge favour taking him off my hands 🙂
      As she interloped on my unhappy marriage before it was officially over, I watched her unsuspectingly take on my ex’s gambling & alcohol addictions.You should see Karma at work as I do, it’s awful.
      Oh well, I did try & warn her but, her neediness got the better of them both. She has agoraphobia & takes Zanex to cope so, does not work & often sleeps during the day. My ex had no idea until it was too late & he bought that ticket so, is unable to extricate himself for fear she will not cope! His world came crashing down & when he’s not intoxicated, he has to try & support her emotionally & financially.
      He cannot socialise like he once did & he has lost most of his friends so, it’s just the two of them & it’s really sad to see.
      I actually am saddened as my children have had to see their father become a shell of a man & he was once the life of the party.

      Oh well, ‘there but,only for the grace of god go I’ & I am grateful that God
      gave me a way out even though it was done very poorly by my ex…the good old revolving door scenario….the grass was not greener unfortunately for him & he even told me what a fool he was!

      Have a drink for me to you continued happiness & growth & get out there & live freely 🙂

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. You and PG are seriously a great help for people searching for answers that actually none of us will find but the comfort the two of you give is truly amazing. I really hope the two of you can meet up in 2014. It is a hell of a trip these creatures put us through and will remain with us forever. It is forsure a stab in the heart and in the back at the same time. I pray everyone can get through it and not do what I wanted to do in the beginning not sure how we get through it somehow we just do. So many sad days but more happier days now then sad. I shall have a drink for you come August 30, 2014, actually I will probably have a drink for everyone, UGH!!!!!! Keep doing what you are doing because you are truly amazing. I thank the good Lord that we did not have children and this girl really deserves what I pray is coming to her. One thing is I have never really had wish ill will on anyone until 9 months ago. 🙂

      2. Thank you t. Both pr and me and Leo women we like giving out sunshine 🙂 am grateful to pr for helping to keep this site going when I struggled to.

      3. Awww, Thank You Pos…I am part of your Lion Pride…us Lionesses have to stick together….Always & Forever.
        You know my favorite movie is The Wizard Of Oz remember & that old cowardly lion….’If i were king of the foressst!’….;)

        Amazing Lady you are 🙂
        PR xoxo

      4. Hi T 🙂

        Thank you for the beautiful words, I truly appreciate you & your words 🙂

        Have a drink, make sure it’s top shelf,like you. Nothing but the best for you from here on…okay!!!

        Wish them well as you are way above them. Way Way ABOVE 🙂
        Know you are free & she will walk your road but, you will be well out of it & FREE 🙂
        Let us know how you are going & if you stumble, here we will be to catch you & T, remember WHO YOU ARE….YOU are enough & always have been, will be & continue to grow into the exceptional lady you already are, keep growing 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

  37. Is this where we can say what is happening, so we can start to heal? I am pretty sure I am bouncing around in between steps 4 and 5? I am seeing the hurt and damage that has been done to me, and trying and failing, trying more, failing again at staying away. This person has done each and every thing mentioned. The latest stunt was to threaten me that if I did not marry him, and get him out of his native Bangladesh (I think that is what he truly wants, it is so painful to own that he does not truly love me) he would show everyone on facebook my naked pictures to force me to do things his way. I said no, so last week he did it. He sent them to my mother, my father, sisters, brothers, 18 year old son, my ex husband, all my friends. He used my naked top shot for one id, and my vagina for yet another id profile picture on facebook. He sent everybody threatening messages (I did mention the id he used he put my name on it right?) and I have been so angry. Now I have felt so incredibly addicted, desperate and alone that I have broken contact to just end this addicting pain. (I read it is prolonging it, and I know this from experience). How do you find strength to just keep the no contact? He has managed to make my whole family disown me with this latest stunt, and this is permanent. He has taken many friends too. I am quite literally isolated, and addicted to his creation of himself. The best friend thing? Check. The high highs, and abusive lows, double check. I know I need to stay away, and I keep failing. Please, any advice on finding my spine that seems to have been lost in the fray? I am desperate, so much so I don’t care if this is even pubic or who reads it. Embarrassment is passe at this point. Please help.

    1. Hi Elizabeth, it sounds awful what is happening to you. Give yourself time and take things one day at a time. Start small. Try not to focus on what you have lost, but on keeping what you have left. To get back to yourself, you need to go back to before you met him. What were you doing?.what were your passions?. What made you tick? What made you, you. You have been horribly betrayed by someone that you both loved and trusted. That feeling of being stabbed In the heart and the back at the same time. Try to start small, write lists and set yourself goals to get your life back on track.

  38. Oh Elizabeth I so know the pain, but it has now been 9 months for me and I promise you it will get better. I too lost everything and I just wanted to die and everyone said it does get better, it does, just hang in there. the pain is the worst pain I think anyone can go through and it does fade if just a bit to be able to breathe. Stay strong, I know these are just words and 9 months ago I didn’t even care to hear them myself thinking no one knows this pain, but somehow you just get through it. I pray for you my God I feel for you.

    1. I keep struggling with this pattern I am seeing in myself. This is actually my second sociopath I have been involved with, both men did horrible things in my life. Both of the men would do some awful thing (like the naked picture thing via facebook) and then turn around and make it my fault somehow. I then found myself wanting to fix THEM better, when they were the one’s that did the hurting. They both did these incredible tantrums that would just make me dance to keep the peace. Why do I do this? I even see it coming each time now, but I would rather try to appease the abuser than just have no contact. Why? Is this abnormal? I did grow up in an abusive home, and am sure this is contributing to this. I have no family support, they have all disowned me. It is super frustrating to have logic telling me how awful this is, and to stay away, and my feelings are absolutely DESPERATE to stay for the false love. How does one stay away? I will begin on the things I love list tonight. Any other tips/links/advice? (I copied and pasted this from a second comment previous, I am new to blogging so I am unsure if everyone sees the one post, or if I need to reply to each one?) If it is a repeat please let me know so I do not annoy ❤ Thank you for the support, I truly need it!!

      1. Hi Elizabeth,

        You say that you met two one after the other. I am wondering how much time you spent alone before going into the second relationship? Do you think that you were healed? Or did you meet the second and tell him about all that the first did to you? As if you did, they can mirror you and tell you that they would NEVER do those things to you, but then use the information that you have told them as weaknesses against you.

        What has happened to you is NOT your fault. You are not at fault. It sounds as if you have been through a lot in your life, and have likely been hurt by past events. You say that your family have disowned you, why? What has happened for your family to disown you, was this related to events that happened with the sociopath? I am just wondering if this can be repaired? Do you have any support network?

    1. Hi Beverly, So sorry for your pain, I have been thru similar with my ex. It is addiction, like to smoking or alcohol, craving them, that is hard to break, as its toxic. Stay strong, & i hope u have some trusted friends or family to spend time with? If you can return to your hobbies, interests that u had before u met this person, this will also help u heal, in time. I used to feel like dying also. It will get easier, the ache will be less raw, less painful the more time passes that you’re away from him. hang in there. Sending you love, light, healing. I pray & hope that you will be ok. I hope you are safe, away from this person now.

  39. Beverly,
    As I previously said I am now 9 months in and please know it does get better, I like so many on here wanted to die, actually my heart was so broken I thought I was going to. The pain still there but it takes time for it to lessen and it does get easier like Dragonfly said. I know you can not imagine that right now but please be patient and just breathe.

  40. I am over-post-girl tonight. Can anybody tell me how long you keep the no contact rule until the pain is bearable? I know healing will take a long time, (and everybody is different) but I just need hope that if I can keep no contact that I will be able to start to breathe in generally (THIS) amount of time, and the wicked hour by hour cravings begin to lessen…..

    1. to be honest it took me 6 months just to be able to muster a little laugh, and about that time I was able to breathe just a little easier I promise you it will get better. But the down fall for me is it has been 9 months and I have not been truly happy since this all happened, not sure I ever will be BUT it is way more bearable. I can hear your pain and wish you well and just know it does get better. I had to see a counselor, have you tried that? and some people on here back then said just for awhile anit-depressants, I never went that route but I should of and think I still might anything to feel less pain. I am so sorry. What they do is truly criminal

  41. Hi everyone. I just got out of a really bad relationship. And I’m really hurting but I don’t really now where to start…..

  42. Hi everyone, I’m just getting out of a relationship with a sociopath. Initially he was sweet, cute, very attentive, affectionate and kind. We worked at the same agency so I has casually known him for months. One day he decided to make his move. He’s much younger than me and very cute. I was smitten instantly and in love within weeks!!! This had never happened to me so quick!! My abuser started lying from day 1… Mostly about not having time to spend with me due to family obligations and a terminally sick dad. I believed him and accommodated his schedule … Which were mostly late night come overs and sleep overs and lunch at work. I did get frustrated and attempted to leave the realatiinship but he would talk me out of it or because I was already addicted to him I go back have amazing sex with him and contain the cycle. I knew something was wrong but his lies were convincing and had never experienced deceit like that so I believed and empathized with him. The relationship lasted for about 8 months. I desperately loved him but I was sad a lot. He never spent time with me on the weekends or holidays only week nights and tune at work. I asked every week but there was an excuse why he couldn’t be with me. I grew more desperate to hold onto him. He had my heart.. He never told me that he loved me, but constantly told me tha he cared about me and I was a priority in his life. When we weren’t together we stayed in contact by phone frequently. This seemed to sustain me until I saw him. I started buying him gifts, then he started asking to borrow money. I loved him and he said he was taking care of his sick dad so I helped him. It started to be a constant occurrence of borrowing money ( without repaying what he already owed) I’ve never given men money. I was leaving my house late at night, in the middle of the night when he wanted to be with me. I didn’t care. We always had sex, we had sex at work. It was all that he really gave me… Other than assuring empty promises, always seemed interested in what I was doing and giving me compliments. I loved him but I started to suspect that he was lying to me about what he was doing with his time. My self esteem was suffering. I knew I should walk away but I couldn’t… And he knew what to say and do to keep me right where I was. I was holding on to hope that it would change soon ( this is what he told me). I would get upset and curse him out, he would break up and ignore my calls/texts for a while. I was miserable and practically begging him to take me back. Eventually he would. I would be elated!! Mind you nothing had changed. The last time he took me back was when he lost his job. Instead of seeing it as he came back out of a need I saw it as I’m the one he wanted to comfort and help him. He was devastated and stressed about losing his job. I jumped right in and did EVERYTHING I could to help him. Even during this time he was still telling me that he didn’t have the time to spend with me on the weekends and now he had moved back home with his parents we weren’t see each other regularly during the week. He would stop by the job for a few minutes or for lunch and we would get a hotel room ever couple of weeks. Through all of this I still loved and supported him, still not knowing he was lying to me daily!! One day he didn’t return my texts for hours and I was furious and had had enough. He ended it with me because of ” my angry words” to him. It was 2 days before my birthday. At this time he owed me about $800-900 and I demanded my money. I tried everything to not repay me. I blackmailed into signing a promissory note for twice the amount he owed me ( in not ur average victim ). He was awaits a lot of returning money. I had to go to his parents house and let them know about the money. He paid me. Approximately a month after that we reconnected, had sex and started communicating daily again. I knew he wasn’t good for me but I was hooked. Things came to ahead when I contacted his ” estranged wife”. He told me from day 1 that he had filed for divorce. When I contacted her 8 months later she said ” no papers were filed, he was still her husband and they were trying to work things out”. It helped him that she had been out of the country working on a 2 year contract. I got my answers and was going to move on. This enraged him and he sent me scathing texts of how I was never anything to him but sex, he was never going to give me anything other than what he was giving me and yes he loved his wife and he always will. She told me how he cheated on her 4 months after they married, it wasn’t just sex but a whole relationship and I couldn’t imagine that hurt he’s caused her. I can. They have been together for 8 years. I got a text from the wife’s mother telling me that ” I was in a long line of women that he’s hurt, that I wasn’t the first one that he’s cheated on her daughter with, that he is a chronic liar, and her daughter and family have been put thru hell by this man. She apologized to me and told me that I have her deepest sympathies. I was like OMG!! Who was I dealing with? Well when things settled down about a month later I went back for the amazing sex ( I was addicted to it and him). One day I decided that I was going to ask him all the questions that I wanted answers to. He only answered why he duct spend quality time with me: because he didn’t want to. I wouldn’t accept that as an answer. I’ve accepted that he will never answer. Then he got cold and mean and told me that sex with me wasn’t all that but it is what kept him there for a while. He told me to accept that he lied to me for months, treated me like shit and to move on with my life. I was devastated!! I considered taking my life just to get out of that pain. God had other plans for my life. By coincidence I spoke to a friend who happens to be a therapist and she said she thinks he’s a sociopath. She explained to me what happened and why he did what he did. That led me here. I’m reading everything I can about this disorder to understand how I ( a beautiful, intelligent, confident and happy woman) allowed this to happen to me. I am 17 years older than him, he seems to like older women. I feel better knowing it wasn’t me and that I was targeted. This man took my happiness, I struggle to do the simpliest things and almost everything reminds me of him!! It’s somewhat of torture. I miss the person that I thought he was when I fell in love, but knowing who and what he is I can NEVER go back!! Luckily for me he’s blocked me and won’t contact. It’s now time to heal and rebuild!!!

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