It’s JUST an addiction….more about the importance of No Contact

That might sound like simplifying things. But realistically this is all that it is. That pain that you feel? Is just an addiction.

I don’t know how many of you have smoked and quit (or tried)  you knew you quit because smoking was bad for you. Yet – you would still look at people smoking on a night out and just want just one puff of a cigarette…… After all you reason to yourself, now you are quit – you just want one you will be ok tomorrow.

Thing is, if you do take one or two puffs…. maybe even buy a packet of 10 for the night and swear tomorrow you will quit again. Tomorrow it is harder again. All of your good work has gone – and your addiction is back again. Trying not to smoke again – seems harder again. And you wonder why did you smoke last night?

The last time that I really did quit smoking, it was 2006. I had done well and had quit for longer than I had in my life. I went on holiday to Cyprus. Had a row with my partner (over nothing) and bought a packet – (they were cheap)…. I bought them and almost didn’t want to open the packet. But as I had bought them – it seemed stupid not to. I tentatively  ripped off the cellophane. That first cigarette tasted disgusting. But I continued — after all I had bought them right?

I reasoned with my mind, that i would just smoke for the holiday and when I returned home I would quit again. This was in September 2006. That was seven years ago…. I am still smoking… I have never managed to quit fully since despite a few attempts.

My point is that if you are having a  bad day ….. if you feel like making contact….. DON’T DO THIS….. stick to no contact.

If YOU are tempted – through pain to make contact. I  want you to think of me with my cigarettes –  seven years ago. Still smoking…. and you know — even today I would prefer to be a no smoker with the occasional desire to smoke – than  a smoker with the constant desire to quit!!!

Yes No contact is difficult and painful (and might seem impossible at first) – but the longer that you go – the easier that it gets.

Sociopaths  deliberately create addiction. That is all. A dependency and an addiction to them. They do this deliberately to capture you so that you find it difficult to leave.

If you have given up smoking – remember all the lies that you tell yourself  – when you are desperate to just have ONE… cigarette?

  • It relaxes me
  • I can concentrate better
  • I need it when I am stressed
  • It keeps me slim  – I don’t eat as much
  • I don’t feel  fitter anyway
  • I am quit now I wont go back to  being an addict – it will  just be  one

When thinking about breaking no contact rule with the sociopath – we tell ourselves the same lies

  • I just want to see if he/she is ok
  • I need to know the truth
  • Did he/she ever love me?
  • Maybe he/she isn’t a sociopath – what if I have it wrong?
  • Maybe they will change?
  • If I speak to them, this pain will go away

All that it does is suck you back into the cycle of addiction. Can you remember the cycle of abuse that I wrote about earlier? This is also the cycle of addiction.


If you break No Contact and speak to your former abuser – this is the cycle that you will go back through. You will start off at point three…. and the cycle will continue

  • Reconciliation
  • Calm
  • Tensions building
  • Incident

And around and around the crazy circle you will go. Unless and if you get the strength to leave again. And then again you start the No contact rule again.

No contact will empower you. It will force you to focus on you and your own needs. You cannot change anyone else – no matter how much you want to…. but… you can change you.

Sticking to  no contact. Taking one day at a time.  Will force you to focus on you. On your needs. Yes there might be an empty space – a space that was once filled with lies and false illusion to  create confusion….

Today you are free…. so celebrate your freedom. Learn to  find you again. Don’t take one more puff of the sociopath weed of addiction…. it is never worth it. Unless of course you fancy getting trapped back into addiction – always wanting to quit and leave ….. but putting it off….

Don’t be a person with an addiction with the constant desire to quit. If you have stuck to no contact, well done. Go you – be proud of yourself. If you are having a tough day. Just see it as an addiction –  and tell yourself that you won’t make contact just for today – you can review again tomorrow… (then tell yourself the same again tomorrow).

Before you know it… days will turn into weeks…. weeks into months….. and eventually months into years. During that time you will find you….. Focus on you… stick to no contact you are worth it!! 🙂

Copyright 2013

170 thoughts on “It’s JUST an addiction….more about the importance of No Contact”

    1. Thank you, I think when you see the sociopath as the addiction- and replace him or her with something that you were previously addicted to – and quit…. (cigarettes is a great example) it makes it easier to set yourself free…. Each time someone goes to break contact – just delay for a few hours – 24 if you can…. likely the craving will be gone.

  1. I smoked and know exactly what you mean! I every so often I smoke. but last time I did I realized that it was making me speed and I couldn’t sleep so I try to not go there. It’s really tough, and I do keep a pack in the car that I hardly ever touch, but I get your point.

    1. It was weird, but back in early 2012, I had THC cookies with my ex soc, and I had a hallucination that the devil crawled right out of her back. The cookies were probably more than THC if you know what I mean. I am not a THC person, but that trip should have been an early warning sign. When I passed out, she got pissed at me the next morning for ruining her euphoric trip. To this day I believe the cookies were adulterated with psychotic drugs, but maybe not because I saw Satan literally pop out of her shoulder. She was the closest thing to Satan you can ever get. There are times when I have flashbacks, when I see women that resemble her. If you live in California, guys and girls, watch out!!! Luckily there are over 20 million people living there, but that means there are almost a quarter of million sociopaths who more than likely live in one of the three largest metro areas there. The best to you all and thanks for this site.

      1. I live in St. Louis, Mo! Unfortunately with my spath! I hate him so bad, but still love him, Why? I just don’t get it. I do get it but I don’t. Only us that have dealt with them can understand to a degree..Even though he has done so many things to me that I told myself I would never let a man do.

  2. It has been years since I broke up with my Sociopath. I know he is a monster, I hate him for what he did to me and the Hell you put me through mentally, emotionally, socially, physically ect. But I would be a Liar if I said I don’t think about him everyday. As time passes it gets easier living without him. And I will NOT give in and ever have anything to do with him EVER again. Yet I yearn for the day were I think about him and feel absolutely nothing but memory.

    1. Thank you and welcome to the site. Take the early days in small size time frames. If you get the urge to break contact – say ‘not now’…. in 6 hours or 12 ….. and stick to it….. just keep remaking the contract with yourself. Sometimes…. forever can feel just too long…..

  3. Ya know what I found out about my spath? He has told me that he only has a daughter, and come to find out after doing research on a public website that he pays child support to two women and I found out not only does he the two he has a third by another chick that had her info set to private so…Who knows who else he has impregnated because he liked to lie about his name.. so sick!

    1. Wow…. I often thought, use the analogy that if they make a direct confession – they are usually hiding a LOT more and using the confession as a distraction. (I did write a post about this) cant remember which one. But i will come back and post it here if I can find it.

  4. I too am waiting for the day when I no longer wonder and watch and wait for the next time he’ll try to make contact. Most of all I pray for the day when I really don’t care, really don’t miss him, and really don’t love him (even a little bit), really don’t desire him. Because all of those times I told him that I didn’t care and that his tactics would never work? I lied.

    1. I’m right there too Blue. I want him to be miserable and miss me. I wanna tell him too late. But he would talk me into taking him back. I know this.

      1. Noooo cos then the stalking, harassing threats etc…. could happen (if he didn’t want to lose you) silence is difficult but remember what peace there is in silence.

    2. I miss my ex Narc too, the times he was affectionate & took me to heyfield & melb, when was romantic but he changed after 3 wks again & was preachg at me, negative talk at me & about my church friends, wanted to isolate me from them, in time i think.. Had rage fits, staring at me intensely & checkg the love tank too, gazing at me, to see if i still loved him, was weird creepy at times.I think he was unfaithful to me, after 3wks, but covered his tracks too well, kept secrets from me, he didnt want me findg out,or he’s cut me off now out of his life. Peace & love to u all. We will stop missing them, our addiction, over time..

    3. Yes i wait for the day that I no longer miss my ex narc & check the phone or emails or msgs or missed calls. I havent made contact for 3wks & have not seen him for a mth now. Its hard. This is the 4th or 5th time we broke up, since last y but this time for good. I was told by a psychic, that he has dark spirit, attached to him. it feeds on his negativity. I felt drained by him after 7wks back together. Couldnt do it no more. Felt a bad gut feeling too, 2 wks before breaking up plus had a dream that he broke it off with me anyway. Warnings frm god or subconscious? its sad though as he was charismatic, funny sense of humour, larrikin, charming, caring when his good side was present, or when he was lonely wanted me back, in July.I only miss his good side, or the facade? the person i wanted him to be, or the person he pretended he was, the dreams of life together, he fed me. Could be the same person we all dating hey? He wanted to be the centre of attention, he acted like the life of the party. He told me he didnt feel special to me, the last few wks, maybe he was getting ready to find another source of supply? he got distant again as time wore on & sarcastic, argumentative again & would say life bored him etc.

    4. Ok you don’t WANT him to make contact. Lets flip this around. If you have quit smoking and are dying for one….. (figartively speaking) – would you buy more anyway – just because you want one. You know that the choice – if you have just one – is not just one …. its (like me) maybe many years of further addiction. You have done so very well – to be where you are right now even if it doesn’t feel this way. As what you have is FREEDOM you will NEVER have freedom with a sociopath. You are free to do what you want…..

      1. HI Positiva Girl, Thankyou for that, its getting easier, day by. Yes it does feel like his addiction to smoking, a craving thirst, as he once told me what smokg addiction was like. When he contacted me in June, I thought no harm in having 1 meeting, like 1 cig. I was wrong, got addicted to him again. Now learnt my lesson, thankyou to all on this site, inspiration for us all. Freedom is good & silence is more peaceful once i’m gettg used to it again. Yes i did feel stifled, no freedom, he listeng to me answerg phone, I felt uncomfortable guilty if i got text msgs, as he didnt like it. Freedom is good, but takes gettg used to again. Thanks again, love & light to all xxx

      1. No….. remember that they create addiction to them by isolating you from others. Saying all the right things -to groom you into who they want you to be. They can discard you which is an awful feeling of pain. When they give you something small back it is like giving crack to a crack addict. This isn’t you…. the only way forward is to establish No Contact.

  5. I am glad I read this because last night I had a terrible dream with the sociopath in it and it was vivid because I swallowed melatonin before nodding off. It felt as though I was still with her and it took me a while to gain consciousness, but for an hour I woke up in a depressed type of mood. Going on 3 months of no contact. I went through that cycle with her several times and never plan to do so again. She would have isolated me from all family and friends and I would have been her long term slave until I got trashed. After I cut off contact with her July 3 2013, she sent me an email saying she missed her bff on July 8, either to draw me back in, or because her current victim or victim to be cut the chord. Every day gets easier and I almost feel like myself, but there are moments when I miss the feigned relationship. The best to you all.

  6. I haven’t seen my SP for two months but I had to see him in divorce court on Wednesday and because of websites like this one and my counselor. I saw him for the person that he really is. It was scary because he wasn’t charming I saw all the SP traits, I realize that the person I was in love with didn’t exist. The person I saw in court I would have never fell in love with him. That is the memory that I have of him and that is the memory that I will always keep. So if I ever long for the fake love that he gave me I will think of us being in divorce court and realizing how he acted because he was loosing control. It was a real eye opener to know that my ex-husband is a SP. Thank you for educating me on SP you actually save me from a life of disaster.

    1. Kay, that is very good that you were able to use the courthouse setting to not only use as a place of justice but also of healing — by getting a objective view of the real him. I have had the same experience.

      When my sociopath ex was cross-examining me on the witness stand (while ironically trying to get a restraining order on ME) I saw him for the vacuous person he is.

      He was always verbally abusive during our marriage and would “cross-examine” me at home. Sociopaths know how to manipulate and intimidate so we always second guess ourselves. However, his behavior in the presence of the bailiff, court reporter, court clerk, judge and my attorney was very empowering, and emboldening! Having all of them as witnesses (and prayer and psalms) helped me handle the situation triumphantly. It was validating to have all of them as witnesses of him desperately trying to intimidate me.
      Pat yourself on the back for divorcing him!

      1. I have always admired the judge at my ex’s hearing back in 1981. He asked my ex what he had done that brought him to court. My former husband said in a very soft voice, “I sexually abused my daughter.” Then the judge said loudly, “I want you to say that so everyone in the courtroom can hear you. Once more, why are you here?” My ex couldn’t worm his way out of that one! I’m sure everyone there heard him! That was healing for me, for sure. I knew then that I was not just having a bad dream, that he actually had done what I caught him in the act of doing! Sociopaths/psychopaths/narcissists can do a real number on their victim’s mind. They are experts at evil, but we can’t let them get away with it.

  7. Thanks for your timely post. I really needed to be reminded that this is what is going on here, and it is so easy to slip back into thinking that the S is not as horrendous as his actions show him to be and that there is still a hope of reconciliation

    I saw the post having just been out with husband, who had given one hour’s notice asking to see our daughter. As we were going out anyway to the place he suggested, and my paranoid mind anticipated that he would make out to others that refusing would be ‘unreasonable’ and ‘controlling’, I agree. It also meant he would not be alone with our daughter as I have some reservations about this.

    I make polite conversation. He says virtually nothing. He doesn’t bother with any social niceties, doesn’t even chat about our daughter – or the weather. I throw in a casual, friendly compliment to which he answers: “Yeeeeees…” in the egotistical way he always has done, accompanied by the smug smile – not, “Oh, thanks, nice of you to notice”. I would think this a little rude from a friend, being a bit old-fashioned as far as etiquette goes, so why do I keep being anything more than business-like for the sake of our daughter?

    As he leaves I politely offer that he can stay for a meal. I know he will refuse, and this has set me up for yet more rejection. Why in heaven’s name would I DO that to myself? The only consolation is that at least it is civil that I offered.

    I search every day for a more charitable explanation for the S’s actions and hope endlessly that I have got it all wrong. When all the people posing on this site describe a series of events so similar to my own, when all the evidence is there, when my family tell me how I’ve changed during my time with him from a confident, trusting, capable woman and mother to an uncertain, nervous, paranoid, overemotional, self-doubting, forgetful shadow it is so obvious that I have been played, but I am still in denial. And looking at those adjectives, it is true: they could describe an addict going through withdrawal.

    1. Hi Hugger, welcome to the site 🙂 Being in denial is very normal part of healing and recovery and something that everyone further down the line has experienced it is called the fog of confusion. This is where you read everything wanting it NOT to be true. The more you read – the more you are convinced it iS true…. I know – it is the lies that we tell ourselves that it wasn’t that bad…. we re-write the history in our head – with rose coloured glasses. Only this time – history repeats – again and again and again. Sounds like you are doing well and moving through recovery. What you explain I went through the same thing too.

  8. Pos. this is right on for me today. He’s been gone 2.5 months and avoids me w silence. I got curious today and drove by his store. Not there. I drove by his apt. Not there. I was physically sick. Throwing up roadside. Hot feeling inside my body. Crazy anxiety. I swear it was some kind of spiritual warning to stay away from him. Once I got back to my side of town I was back to normal. It was the curiosity that got me. I don’t wanna live like this forever so I can’t go back!!!

    1. OMG! I did the same thing and felt the same way. I drove by his house out of curiosity.. Notta , I got nauseated and told myself that was a stupid 45 min drive, it really was..

    2. Ah… silence is so painful huh? I know earlier I wrote a lot about that topic. Maybe it was a warning for you? Your own higher self trying to pull you back from something that is bad for you. The good news is…. you felt better and safe when home…. this memory can go into your toolbox for sticking to no contact. Remember he is just an empty shell and likely living off the emotions of something else…. no you deserve so much better…. time for you!! 🙂

  9. This is the harder thing, break free from the addiction, break free of the hopeful wish that they will ever change. It’s just a cycle that they love to repeat over and over

    1. They love the attention. Remember that they are experienced and practiced too – no doubt your ex has done this before…. the only way to stop this cycle is for you to choose that you are never going to play this game again.

  10. I had been doing really well a few months with no contact (this was quite a while ago), and I was completely sent into a tailspin when the jackass emailed me. Saying things like I was the nicest person he’d ever met (I probably am) and that he was tormented by how badly he treated me – which I highly doubt, as he was just saying that because he was trying to soften me up because he was hoping I’d let him off of the hook for owing me money.

    Funny, when he was buttering me up, hoping I’d forgive him the money he owed me, he was also married to the woman he was seeing all while telling me he was in love with me and asking me to move in with him. I see him for who he is now – he is not the man I loved. (past tense). It’s all a facade and it seems that all of us on this site were in love with a character in a movie, not the real people.

    I find “no contact” easy, though I do think of what happened every day. You know, finding out about the reality of him has been such a pivotal point in my life, and I will never again trust a overly charming and superficial person, and if “love bombing” ever happens again, I’ll head for the hills. In a way, it’s been the gift of awareness (albeit a sucky one when it first happened). I hope everyone else on this site can eventually find peace and themselves again.

    1. Wow it helped me, empowering to read what happened to you. many thanks & to all the others on this site. Reading your experiences helps me to get over my ex narc, in Vic, Aust. Light & love to you all 🙂 I’m only just gettg my life back again but still miss & think of the ex every day. I hope that will fade over time. Time & god, heals all wounds i pray for us all 🙂

  11. I was lured back over and over with false promise, false dreams and fake actions. He was a house of cards, an alcoholic and player. I fell for it over and over again. One of our many breakups I was using NO Contace and He even tried to convince me I was borderline personality because I cut him out of my life. Dumb me went to a therapist to get tested. ( the therapist knew me well and said I was wasting my time and money but unequivocally without a doubt said I was not boarderlie and no contact with an ex does NOT equal borderline.). That is how much I was brainwashed by my sociopath. I finally left him and have stood taller and prouder everyday as I find me. Your emails and website saved me and comes on the days I am weak or thinking of him. It reminds me to never ever to speak to him. Thank you to all those who comment and share. I find strength in your stories.

  12. This site has been very helpful and healing for me.

    I am an introvert by nature who fell into a relationship with someone who is definitely a sociopath. We were in the same college program together. There was a spark then but I graduated and hadn’t heard from her in ten years. She divorced her husband and then looked me up by contacting a former teacher friend of mine and convincing her to give her my number. In hindsight the flags are so clear but I gave into my feelings of connection to her. We were in the relationship less than six months and she wanted to get married and have a child. I was smart enough not to do that but she and her two children did move in with me. She paid no money on the bills. She told me that I should change her son’s diapers and get him ready so she could sleep in. She did nothing except hoard stuff and have her oldest watch her youngest. Not to be the voice of negativity but she was a definite user. I paid for us to go to counseling. Nothing was ever her fault. No balance could be met. I was in a relationship with her for three years. I loved the children. I ended up breaking up with her but she will not leave. The police have been involved and because she has been in the house for over a year the police won’t kick her out. I have a suit against her in court. It is the most bizarre relationship I have ever been in. I am not even married to her and she is trying to take my house and stated she would ruin me. What fun.

      1. No. She didn’t want to break up and wouldn’t move. I tried to evict her via the court system per the advice from the Sheriff’s office. She got free legal aid and sued me and got the eviction held up in court. I am living away from my house and my aunt is staying there watching over the place living with the sociopath while I try to oust her legally from my home. The court in a separate case took the children away from her and gave her ex emergency custody. What a mess. I have never been in a situation like this. This site has been healing for me.

      2. Hi Andrew, I do have a good knowledge of Housing Law and am qualified in it. But am presuming that you are not in the UK? You say Sheriff so am presuming USA- where the laws are different.

        I am going to advise you as if you were in the UK. Could you move back into the property to make her effectively a lodger not a tenant? (again I dont know if laws are the same in USA) – this way would be easier to evict her.

        Can you go through the formal court procedure to evict her as tenant from your property? (In UK would be issuing a correct S.21 notice – with 2 months notice)

        What i want you to do is move away from the emotions of this. To see yourself as a landlord who owns a property who wants somebody out of your house. And you need to go through the legal procedure to do this. It is not as bad as you might think (unless laws are radically different in USA than UK) I doubt it?

      3. Just follow legal procedure to evict. Do NOT have any emotion. See it as a business transaction (this is how she sees things) – business she is getting free housing at your expense. It is now your time to get your property back and get her out.

        What stage are you at with this (and dont fall for her victim mentality either) as she WILL use the victim card too….. she isn’t your responsibility. Its not your fault the courts her children.

        Don’t believe her if she uses this line (and she probably will)

      4. omg Andrew. are you using a real estate atty or family law? I know this sounds strange since you aren’t married, but maybe contact a family law attorney for some ideas and advice. Look up “common law marriage” and your state and see what comes up. You might come up with some ideas this way too.

        I had friends who allowed someone to stay in their guest house during an extended holiday. He went through our place of worship. they asked him to leave after the holiday was over. he refused and because they gave the man a key, he was considered a de facto tenant. Apparently this guy had done this to many others. They had to go through the eviction process too and eventually had to GIVE HIM around $2,000 to get him out. btw, the police could help with this either, like in your case. He wasn’t a trespasser, he was a invited.

        You may want to have the lawyer offer her enough for first, last month’s and moving fees (I know ,I know you said she is a hoarder..) In my city because of the high cost of living that would come out to about $5,000. Another “trick” would be to “sell” the property and then the new owner (and owner’s family) would want to move it. You will still have to pay her relocation money, but you would get her out. She will try to claim she has “first right of refusal”, but unless you have that arrangement in writing it will be hard for her to win this in court. Ask your attorney about this idea. You are dealing with a con artist/user and don’t give any money unless you have an agreement drafted by an attorney. (she may claim you the money you gave is palimony or something to establish some kind of arrangement. I don’t know, but I just want you to be careful.)O

        Is she abusive to the children? Is she threatening to your aunt? (anything to get a restraining order/kick out order with?) Install nanny cams in the home.

        I feel for you and the kids.

        G-d bless

  13. positivagirl, and fellow

    I mentioned how helpful the addiction model worked for me at the women’s shelter and they told me not to share this in group because it was contrary to the domestic violence model they used (!, huh?) Well, personally this is what has assisted me to stick with the “no contact” rule.

    the “addiction” stills haunts me. I have the urge to circle around to seek out his car. This is hard because he is in the same neighborhood. The divorce is not quite over so I haven’t the funds to move yet. But I do control the urge and use my will to: not seek out his car, circle around the lot where he parks, I turn my gaze when I am required to walk by certain places he’s at on my way to the bus….

    Here’s the tools and skills I use to take care of my mental health:

    Recovery Inc. International teaches using will and control of muscles, and changing of thoughts (simple but not easy and takes support, training/practice) to find meetings: This is a free, non-sectarian self-help group (many go to both to a 12-step program and Recovery, Inc.) Recovery Inc. was started by a psychiatrist before AA. Dr. Low was a pioneer in CBT. There are also telephone meetings. I am a co-leader.

    I also use: DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills)

    Prayer, reading of psalms, yoga

    Also, I recommend a book (not about sociopaths, but practical and helpful) LETTING GO: A 12-week Personal Action Program To Overcome A Broken Heart. by Dr. Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, Ph.D. Helps with the ruminating, etc. I promise you if you do the exercises as instructed, you will get relief. (my favorite are the “bank book”, and writing all of the SPaths “sins” on individual index cards — one per card.)

    Another technique (which I am going to do once I’m done writing this post) is to do a chore I dislike, eg some kind of housework or bookkeeping. This is counterintuitive but effective. the best I have been able to come up with why it helps is that doing the disagreeable chore channels the emotional discomfort into another task. Doing the new task becomes a mindfulness exercise rather than looking for a “fix.”

    1. wishing you all success in making your mental health and peace a priority rather than fanning the flames of suffering.

  14. Hi Survivors/Soc Quitters 🙂

    We have addictions to so many things, from alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, food & of course people. No wonder it’s so hard getting over a narc/Soc/users & abusers as Pos has said, they create & feed our addiction to them very skilfully.
    Once you have had something you like it’s hard to let it go even, when it is no longer good for you.
    Fear also plays a part as does, facing why you don’t want to let it go. I know I used to think “better the devil I know, rather than the devil I don’t’, said that all the time to myself.
    I also used to hear a little voice inside my head say, “something wicked this way comes”, over & over before my Soc would call or arrive. Spooky stuff but, true.
    I also didn’t like being without a man & I didn’t want to go through another break-up so, I accepted the unacceptable because, I had stopped thinking I deserved better.
    I am now nearly 7 months Soc free & I feel wonderful 🙂 nearly withdrawal free 🙂
    I still have flashbacks etc…but, less all the time & mainly stronger in myself 🙂
    My lapses are only caused by my own insecurity which I now recognise as just that, not my need for my Soc.
    I have never been this long ever without a man in my life & you know what, I’m okay 🙂
    You will all be okay, just watch for the rebound guy/girl & work really hard on self love.

    I hope this song works but, if not it’s Amy Winehouse (addictions plus) singing ‘Tears Dry On Their Own’.

    All the flowery words that your Narc?Soc ever said about you, take them & use them on yourself, your beautiful, smart, funny, can’t live without you…..yes YOU! not them 🙂
    Love & light 🙂
    PR xoxo

  15. hey all! hope you are doing well. I have been growing into this new experience of me much better and am re-creating myself. I have already grown and morphed in ways I could not have anticipated in the last month (which is how long i have been here) and every day I wake up and love my life. Its crazy!

    I went to a tarot card reader yesterday, just for fun. And aside from her words about my career and love life (which she noted was on the back burner) my ex soc “came up” as being “hard to trace, due to ego” and she described it as “holding a smugness” like “oh, she’ll be back. she will realize what she did” also, she said he was blaming me for everything and very angry. And she noted that we have “very different vibrations” and that it would take some sort of baptism by fire to change him. Also noted that he is “afraid of himself”.

    Interesting to note, as I painted some picture of him sitting alone missing me or trying to reach out. I guess it does make total and complete sense that he is blaming me, angry at me, etc. Point being, im glad I heard it. I think its natural for us to dull the edges of our vindication after time has passed. I would venture to guess most, if not all, are loving compassionate beings, which would like to be on good terms with everyone. So having this conviction helps know that its a battle i just dont want to get into again.

    She also noted in the card reading that “you dont like yourself when you are with him”….so true…also said “being together would be very good for him, but very bad for you”..also so true 🙂

    Anyway, found this interesting! enjoy!

    1. yay good for you GL you have came SO FAR from when you first came to this site. I can see your healing and recovery. You know one day you will be at a point when he came knocking at your door and you will realise NO i dont want to go back to that addiction again….. never open one foot of the door…. you are doing so well…. keep moving forward.It is good to see you happy!! 🙂

    2. @gaslighted – that’s so interesting that a psychic said that to you! I saw one just after I found out my ex got married, and she said to me “you feel like you’ve had the carpet ripped out from underneath you” – which I did. She didn’t mention about him coming back – realistically speaking, he’s so busy trying to build his “new life”, he won’t bother with me (Now, since I found out he was married and completely called him out on all of his bullshit and lies).

      And you’re right, most of us want to forget just how bad it was, so our vindictiveness softens. When I start to notice that I’m softening, I reread the nasty email I sent him, where I told the truth about his lies.

      On another note, in keeping with the theme of “loving yourself first”, I went horseback riding for the first time in 11 years with a good friend of mine. In my case, I don’t think my ex is a monster (weird, twisted and delusional, yes; monster, no) but it has still really affected me. Spending the afternoon doing something I love with a good friend who knows what I went through (she knew him as well) has uplifted me so much.

      You can recover, move on and be happy, you have to make the choice to do it and put yourself first. Seems like you’re on your way 😉

      1. Ditto Darling 🙂
        Mine wasn’t a monster either but, yes delusional & weird etc…it’s just a pity we waste so much time on them, I’d rather have gone horse riding with you years ago 😉

        @GL…your doing great so, onwards & upwards for you 🙂

        PR xoxo

  16. Great post positivagirl and absolutely true!!!! Realizing that my pain was nothing but addiction was a turning point in my recovery. Although I knew everything and read a lot (even one of your previous posts about addiction) I was still struggling… so at the beginning of this summer I did Akashic records healing and during that event I felt heat in my heart and I opened the book … it opened on ‘addictions’. Then it hit me, I suddenly realized that it was addiction to the sociopath, it was addiction same in nature and same ugly as my sociopath’s addiction to pornography! As I didn’t have addictions in my life (no smoking, drinking) it was a revelation for me when I realized that I had addiction. But once I realized it, it was like I suddenly ‘knew my enemy’ and I was determined to beat this addiction. No contact and the addiction lost its power. I don’t miss him, I can see clearly what he is and I look at it now as a huge lesson. I am also grateful I didn’t get some serious disease from him ( when you think of the extent of the lies they are capable of…)

  17. Here is a quote from the book “How to break your addiction to a person” by Howard Halpern.

    “How can you keep yourself from being dominated by these intense physiological responses? For one thing, you can stop fooling yourself with those cliched Beliefs that because you feel the emotional connection to the other person so intensely and so bodily (I feel it in my heart,I know it in my guts), these reactions must be telling you a great truth, must be saying what you “really” feel and want. Nothing of the kind. It is essential that you stop romanticizing your attachment feelings if they lead you to decisions that run counter to your best interests.You will have to put yourself on hold until your body calms down, your head is clear, and you can regain your perspective.This is often incredibly difficult, because the bodily feelings often have a compelling intensity that can make you lose sight of the total picture and of your objectives.”

    Although in this book, the addiction is explained by “attachment hunger” – during childhood, in the case of the sociopath, this addiction is purposely created by the sociopath. But, the nature of the addiction is the same (whether already in our character or created by the sociopath) so the book is very helpful too.

  18. Few more quotes from the book (aphorisms about addiction breaking)

    1. A love relationship is mutual and helps each partner feel better about himself, not worse.
    2. You don’t have to love someone to be addicted to him.
    3. Some people die of bad relationships. Do you want to be one of them?
    4. Half a loaf isn’t better than none.
    5.The intensity of your withdrawal symptoms does not indicate the strength of your love but the strength of your addiction.
    6.If you end this bad relationship, you will be opening your life to new possibilities.

  19. this is me right now and its sucks. I feel I have taken one step backwards. I was moving forward, I was okay with out him, I was even opening up, I wasn’t as withdrawn and in my head! I am back in my head. I block delete ignore because I know how he works. reading everything I can and I see the patterns. everything here on this site is right on. i was doing good and then one day i answer the home phone and its him. i froze lost my voice started sweating shaking. i was doing good. I tell him to leave me alone, lose my number, that he is a creature and i lowered my standards with him, i am happy with out you and much more. he still keeps on calling and txting me. and then i have to have the last word and respond. i have done it before i am just struggling again.

    1. Hey there is no such thing in life as a mistake (I believe) merely more opportunities for learning. Each time you go through something you will learn something new…. and this will empower you for the final quit. Sometimes — -your heart needs sometime to catch up with what your head already knows.

      1. I have known or my head has known for 2 years now. it wasn’t till around june I starting talking about anything I thought I really was crazy and the only one. I was so embarrassed to say what he did to me, said to me, everything he did to me. because I was the one who wouldn’t stand for anything like that. it makes me ill to think about what I put up with from him. i am moving on slowly and today i am in a better place then back in june. i caught myself in july i met up with him and then the next todays after that i was obsessed. it was bad, but i caught myself and snapped out of that. it was like crack or heroin, i almost fell right back into him. i know he is a worthless pos i have never been with anybody like him. but i do find it is gotten much easier to walk away. he needs to stop contacting me.

      2. Yes because the lure of the high is higher than the negative – as when they are luring you back in its all niceness sunshine and flowers…. and realistically this is better than the pain you are in…. sunshine and flowers or pain? its soeasy to forget the rest that comes with it…… then the sunshine and flowers goes away and reality of CONTROL kicks in….. and you are back there. Back to square one. The lure of the high is always better than the actual reality.

      3. that’s so true. he told me its not over till he says so and that he has control of me and he has my soul and always will. hate is a strong word but I hate the things he did done to me and I might even hate him. when I stick with the no contact it spins him I can tell. I guess that is him loosing control and he don’t like that.

      4. Ugh – both of mine said the same. this is their need for control. Actually NEWSFLASH if you say it is over – it IS sorry to damage their ego. But you have the choice to make about YOUR life. Sociopaths seem to struggle with this concept like they are the ONLY person on the planet – HELLO —- sorry your not!!!

    2. HER! You can do it just pick yourself up and have NO CONTACT with him. I know this is harder to do than say! I went back to my SP several times over the years just thought he was crazy not really crazy! But one thing you know now is that he actually have a problem and he will never change that’s why I’m a different person when it comes to him because I didn’t know what was wrong with him. But you have the power because you know! Keep telling yourself he is a fake and the relationship was a fraud!!!! It wasn’t real like a bad dream. I wasted 6 years and this last year I just realize who he is! I’m so turned off I don’t every want to see him again and when we went to court on Wednesday I requested a permanent restraining order and he stated he wanted one, to put some blame on me but I didn’t care. But that is good so I won’t every call him, text him , or see him again, too. That is a good way to protect me but he thought he was pushing my buttons trying to get a reaction from you! So you can play their game! I’m not playing his game anymore and the more you react you are playing his game. But all the research that I have done my SP is dangerous and he would have killed me, someone close to me, or anyone else. I pray for the new target someone that had a previous order of protection on him. she has her daughter and her grandchild all living in the house with this SP. Think an
      Bout how bless you are that you are out of the relationship but he is trying to really drag you back in. Once you hear his voice hang up don’t respond, erase the text messages. So, I think about the last time I saw him displaying his SP traits and the danger that I was putting myself and my son in! I will be praying for everyone it’s not easy, but you have to find your breaking point!

      1. i had my breaking point. I was miserable with him and it was is my house. I had him thrown in jail for the second time. he hadn’t put hands on me like the first time when I had him thrown in jail. I was just over it all. I was taught not to talk about my feelings growing up and all, so I really thought no one else goes through this. I have two teenage boys who didn’t know exactly what was going on but knew something. it eats me up thinking of how I basically had to and did put him first, just to keep the peace in my house. I planned and plotted for months on how to have him removed from my house. I didn’t know how to go about it. I am not a schemer but had too. his mouth was non stop, and it drove me mad and it just kept going and going. I became numb and then I started talking right back and boy he didn’t like that one bit. I have a lot inside I need to get out and with this site and a few others it is getting easier. I am coming out of isolation and not so withdrawn and I am grateful to be alive and have my boys and a roof over our head. I just need to take it one day at a time and find and utilize support of other people who know. because if they haven’t experienced it first hand they are so quick to judge and say get over it. and today I say “My opinion does matter” and “I wont keep that to myself”

      2. It is true. they are control freaks. NEVER give him or display emotion EVER as they thrive off of this. You might think how can you be so heartless? I am heartbroken. Display ZERO emotion save your emotions for those who truly care about you. With him display I DONT CARE – NOTHING not even anger – just display indifference…… that is all you can display – indifference….. nothing more and nothing less NEVER give a sociopath emotions. They played on your emotions from when you met them. So now is the time to take those emotions back for you and only those who truly care about you. Choose your friends and those you confide in wisely even if you only speak to 2 or 3…. or even one person. You need people who are 100% on your side. Nobody else.

    3. Luckily mine does not contact me, but she brought about a substantial amount of damage and not to mention the flashbacks. In the past when I broke up with someone or someone broke up with me, the longest I would suffer would be a month, but the sociopath break off is taking longer. Just don’t get drawn in again, and it is hard if they are in close proximity. It gets easier, yet slowly, as time goes on.

      1. we are a county away. so that’s a good thing. and it is harder than any other break up. because he is a loser with really no future and has nothing really at all to offer me. I know I am better than him. I have a lot going for me, I have been at the same job for 12years now, I work with cancer patients and I love it and the patients love me, its rewarding. I was going through a divorce when he came in to my life and screwed me all up even more. I have a restraining order against him too. he don’t care.

      2. Wow HER! Your not alone Our stories are so similar my SP was charged with Assault of a Family member, me and my son. My son was trying to prevent the SP from attacking me but each time I got away he would turn on him. So I would try to protect my son, he has damage my stuff and he has damage his stuff. That’s why I feel lucky and bless that im out of the relationship because he is violent. It sounds like your SP is violent too. I felt like I had to walk on egg shells my son was walking on egg shells to prevent him from fussing about whatever. he would fuss about the towel In the sink layed wrong. he would come home and WAKE me up to FUSS. Didn’t know from day to day who would walk thru the door. Now, it is so peaceful my son is out of his room and we are both enjoying our beautiful home, noww that the SP is gone. I put him in front of my son too so i can keep the peace and for that I will never forgive myself. My son is in his Junior year of high school and I will do everything possible to make life pleasant for him. I think that will be a good post about the kids that are involved because a lot of these kids are innocent victims too. Most of these SP are not their parents so we need to help them heal too. I’m sure my son is and will be affected by this for a long time. He will have that in his past that his mom was married to an A..H… Or that he had an A.. H… Of a stepfather.

      3. it does sound so familiar. and for a long time I thought I was the only one. love the name Depeche mode, long time fan. my boys will never be the same when they found out whats really been going on they were so hurt because he played good guy to them. but the thumps and all the noises made sense to them now. they didn’t hear me cry because I would be extra careful not to make a sound or cause a fuss. I have flash backs all the time. I don’t get how if you hate someone so much why stay at that house, no where else to go, but then try and be loving and get some and get turned on by the tears and the no’s on the other person face, my face.

      4. he was violent. if I would talk back to him while trying to fall asleep he would get up and full on sock me in my head for talking sh#t back to him. I felt so much hate from him. and no matter what he always made me sleep next to him. he drinks and when it came down to my boys lunch money or a 40oz of beer he would get his beer. I blew off all my family and friends I felt so alone. I am talking to my family now, however they don’t know the whole story. its very hard and trust has always been an issue with me and now its even harder.

      5. That’s because she has another target!!! You should feel bless, just like I said earlier we need to pray for the new targets too because they don’t know what or who they are dealing with. But, if it wasn’t for them they would be stalking/harassing you. I remember I left my SP alone and I felt like I was in a Lifetime Movie because he followed me on my way to work and drove so close up behind me that I had to pull over when he pulled down his window he was yelling and screaming at me. He could have easy did something else, that’s why I pray everyday that he hasn’t destroyed my totally! Because he could have!!!!! I’m glad he is gone!

      6. My SP had to have a drink too. I hated when he would drink because I knew that he would be mean, very mean. I would sit on pins and needles hoping that he would not embarrass me in front of people. I live in fear, fear of him drinking, fear that he would drink and be mean, fear that he would be violent, just in fear. Your not alone!!!!! It sound like we were with the same person. My SP would go as far as having me to change my hair style because I got a lot of attention when I wore my hair in that style.
        You have to let the hate go!!! That’s the only way your going to heal, if you keep the hate you will never be able to get past it. I was mad and hurt and I hated him too. But I not going to give him anymore of my life I actually feel sorry for him. Because he can’t enjoy life like I can and I refuse to let him steal my joy!!! You have to pray are you seeing a counselor? My counselor really help me to understand what I was dealing with. If it wasn’t for her I would still be confuse and hurt and upset while feeling hate for him. But I had to let go!!! Because I’m better than that and you are too! You have your kids to take care of! Put them first remember we put someone else in front of them now you need to take care of them! I never met anyone like him before but I got to move on! I took a lot off of him because of the sex and because he was different. I had to trust my family I was ashamed too. I live in a different city than my parents but I had to tell them that I made a mistake and I’m getting out of the situation. My parents and family was disappointed because they liked him the nice him because that’s what he showed them but once I told them what was going on they were really supportive. Like helping me g
        To get alarm system, cameras, and a storage unit to put his things in!! They were glad that I told them what was really going on because think if anything happen to you or your kids they would have that burden on them. That’s how I had to look at it! I had issues with trust too but this situation made me trust my family (immediate) but as far as man are concern I am noticing red flags and I addressing them and I’m setting my boundaries!

  20. thank you pos!

    And for all, just out of curiosity…how long have we all been NC now?

    For me: 3.5 months

      1. Absolutely 🙂 The thought of being able to say “….And that, was the last time I ever spoke to him” is amazing to me.

    1. Hello, its only been a few days under a mth. For the 4th time. I wont fall for his persuasion, charm again, in 3mths if he rears his head then

  21. So my spath would never ever take me out, something would always come up.. I saw that he had been taking this new girl out every weekend. I was wondering wtf is wrong with me “cried” in my head I also thought is it because I’m more attractive because honestly I am.. So far I’ve been the most attractive chick that I know of that he has dated.. It’s not me, it’s because she has money, a nice house and I’m assuming at this point, but they are opening a business together.
    he had asked me to open a bar several times in my head I was thinking ya right all this shit you pull now wtf would you pull then.
    He had been sending me text message and emails about two weeks ago that said, ” I love you, don’t you want to be with me this week” well after doing a little more research that’s the week she has her kids.. So he wanted to spend the week with me while her kids with her. Then go back to her after that.. Trying to play us.. Well I already knew what he was doing because of this site, I knew he wanted to stay with me for a reason & I wasn’t sure what he was, but now know.. Just a big Sick ass! I can’t wait for his true colors to come out because it didn’t take long when I met him but I don’t have the funds like her either. He might hold it a little longer.

    1. Hey KJ!

      He using you for your status on how you look! I was wondering what was my SP using me foe because he was paying the mortgage on the house. My counselor told me he was using me for status too. I thought about it when I did started meeting his family, we were damn near married, they were telling me that he upgraded. That I was pretty, beautiful and classy. I didn’t figure it I until I met his ex wife and saw pictures of his ex girlfriends. But you have to remember they have to get someone with low self esteem to run their game. My SP went back with his ex because she was paying for his daughter and his bills. Do you want a man to be with you because of your money? That was a problem we were having because he felt like I should provide for him and him not provide for the household in which he was living in! No, everyone should pull their weight!!! He want to be with you because of that but he need the other woman to provide the finances for him! They don’t care for kids! He doesn’t want to be bother!!! My SP move back in with his ex and she has her grown daughter and her daughter’s three year old! So it’s not you! It’s them! They can’t love anyone they are trying to be with whom every they can get from you. I bet if you had as much money as her he still will be trying and using you both!!!! Just be careful! I thought that something was wrong with me too until I started researching and understand SP. So when I feel like in my head that he is living life fantastic with her I read her order of protection that she put on him three years ago with him punching her, and pulling guns on her I get over it real fast!

      1. How can he use me for a status if he never took me out. Pix if me to show to his friends?
        This higl he is dating now is not nearly as attractive as I. She’s not ugly but ya know. I’m a little more classy too. I hate to say it but she has tatoos all over and let’s them show.. I just don’t get it.

      2. @KJ – maybe he never took you out because at some level he knew he’s not good enough for you and everyone would see that. Maybe, in spite of his delusional pride, he unconciously realized everyone would not so much think he was dating “up” by being with you, but rather that you were dating “down”.

        My ex took me out a lot, but he also realized early on that I wouldn’t laugh and go along with his outrageous and obnoxious behaviour when he was attention-seeking in a group (this is where I found out about some of his lies to me). This REALLY pissed him off. I think he really wanted a woman who would hero-worship him and never call him on his bullshit. Obviously, that was not me.

        In my case, my ex moved from living with me right into the home of his new squeeze – within a matter of weeks after we broke up. When he started seeing her, I’m sure he made her believe that I was his “other ex-gf” – the one who was suing him for 1/2 of everything plus spousal support. (that’s his story of victimization). My point is, she has cash flow and her own home (I rent at the moment, and wouldn’t buy a house with him because I wasn’t ready). She is well educated (but so am I) and is well known in her community – he needs to be associated with someone of “high status” who doesn’t know his past … It makes him look better. (until everyone finds out who he really is, which will happen eventually)

        Not to mention that she certainly isn’t better looking than me or younger, so that wouldn’t have been the reason.

        His new wife, I am sure, had no idea how much debt he has, his legal situation with his other ex-gf, what happened at his job that lead him to his dismissal (sexual harassment), his overall penchant for lying, why he has so few friends etc etc. He can easily manipulate her, and has.

        As for you, my friend, THAT is what really happened. There are parallels in all of our stories. His leaving and taking up with another woman is not about YOU, or how attractive you are, or anything else. It is about him being morally bankrupt and, like a parasite, will move from “host” to “host” to get what he needs.

        Thank God you’re free of him.

      3. I think I have it so because I’m a lot stronger than the not so pretty gals he keeps me for pics to show off. I still let him come back to use me for food and sex.. “let’s be honest here or so he thought.. He was winning me over… I just wanted sex is the only reason I let him come back plus I fell in love.. Stupid me” but I didn’t let him control my entire life as he wanted so he kept me for status plus a backup.

      4. KJ,
        That is right he wanted to keep you from other people because he was insecure. My SP took me to a race track(cars) one time it was crowd there. Man were checking me out actually trying to talk to me with him there, they were looking At him like he had Sh.. On his face. He decided to hold my hand and grab me the whole time we were there. We never went back since and he requested that I never wear that hair style every again. Remember you are his property!!! He does not want to share you with anyone else and GOD forbid if someone else wants his property!!!!! Think about it did you guys go out early on in your relationship????

      5. Darling, I got that all the time! What is she doing with him? I still get those comments and we a no longer together. Even his sister in law told me I could do so much better! But you think your in love and that this person is in love with you, you just let it go (red flag)! 🙂 I learned my lesson!

    2. We went out one time and the only other times we did is when we went out of town. I agree I think two things he knew I wouldn’t put up with his bs two I would get hit on. Like I did when we went out of town and we got into a huge fight now that was only because he told that guy in bathroom that we were just friends.. We were on and off again.. Still that was dumb on his part.

      1. That’s why??? You never went out! My SP started playing games like this not allowing me time to proper get myself together to go out! Like tell me at the last minute we are going somewhere or doing something and then fuss if I was trying to get dress (cute). He would want me to get dress and ready in less than 10 minutes or he would threaten to leave! Just games!!! I look back on it and all I can do is shake my head!!! Sick individual!!!!

      2. Well love can be one sided and I believe that I am. I have had friends say to me that they have never seen me with way about another guy. I know its crazy, and I’m acting crazy too. I know this.. I sit her at times and think wtf am I doing I know this is wrong but he’s like a drug I can’t let go. Now I will not or did not give in to seeing him the last two times he tried to because again this site and all the reading I’ve done on spaths.. Plus he had given me an std that luckily i was able to get rid of. btw-he never ever once said sorry. When I told him that he had given it to me he tried accusing me of screwing other men.. Ya right!

      3. Shoot he wouldn’t take me to the store.. I felt like he was embarrassed of me but would tell me I’m “hot” all the time plus he would say you know you’re hot. That I don’t get!

      4. As I was told and later realize for myself “you need to CUT your loses!” It’s hard I still want that fake love but I have to keep reminding myself it is fake love it was never real! And when I feel like he is living life fantastic with his ex that he is currently living with I read her order of protection that she put on him several years ago, and last and not least when I saw him in divorce court he looked and acted like an SP.

      5. When you decide to leave him where he is at you will not feel crazy anymore!!! It will be like a new life! Freedom and joy and you will start realizing why did I put up with that mess for so long. I have everything, except the perfect man because I can get any man but that’s what he played on was what I wanted in a man!!! He got me good and I wanted to get married again! He gave me that too but than he use to complain that I got everything I wanted from him but I was never satisfied because I wanted more. Game playing! He gave me things but it was the way he wanted to give it to me! I could have a say in anything. As my counselor put it is that how you want to live your life? You won’t every be happy with the way he is treating you! And when he give you anything it won’t be what you want but they will make sure that you know that they are changing and you are getting something out of the relationship!

  22. We should post pix of our ex spath/narscs! so we know to boycott, avoid them at all costs. But it would be privacy violation i gues s. Mine could look kind, caring, then darkness in his eyes a second later! I have pix of both looks, expressions. I am going to enter pix of mine in a local art show! to purge him out of my system! I live in country vic, in Aust. Love & light to all, keep strong, it is hard, no contact, I know, but does seem to be gettg easier, now its nearly a mth for me.

    1. Hi Dragonfly 🙂

      I’m in Croydon, Melbourne, Victoria so, you aren’t far from me 😉
      The Soc experience isn’t pleasant at all but, you are doing great & you will be okay.
      Posting pics would be a fun thing but, alas not permissible.
      Just be careful if trying to out your guy as they get very angry at any attempt to ‘out’ them.
      Just focus on you, your obviously artistic so, paint it out of your system, that would be very healing. I would love to see it 🙂
      I like to paint also but, haven’t for years because of Soc, I will though soon 🙂
      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. HI PR,
        Thats lovely to hear, thankyou for that, yes i know Croydon, i have another friend there. Funny if we had dated the same man. Mine used to live in Mulgrave, Glen Waverley, Rowville & Rokeby, Warragul, Morwell. Maybe i can show u the drawing of my ex if i do that, to enter in the show, one day. Love & light xxx

    2. Is it privacy violation? On the internet? People do it all the time. We can name it something funny and make it a site for jokes..
      Btw- there is a site in the US called and I thought about posting on their that would run him out of the state.
      Add to my madness- I found him on a male escort site.. I can’t believe he gets paid to have sex with men.. Why go after women? I don’t get it..

      1. That we would be so cool. To have a funny joke site with our ex spaths on it. I missed the cut off date for the local art show unfortunately. Will have to wait for next year now. Maybe i’ll draw him instead, maybe safer. Dont want him to know about it & threaten legal action, for entering his photos, displayg in public place. To everyone, No Contact does work, after a while u get used to it, be strong,all,of u r inspiration to me, to read everyone’s stories which are similar to mine, except he did not steal money or possessions, only my energy, love, feelings for him, fake rship, fake love. He often said other people, eg Obama etc were fakes. How ironic but he was one.

      2. Dragonfly, your in Melb Vic aren’t you?
        My soc told me Bill Shorten was one….he should know! LOL.. 😉
        Have a look at Billy’s backstabbing rise to power & his marriage to the Gov Generals daughter & yep…I think he is…I will never vote for this megalomaniac ever!

      3. It’s possible, look at his history etc…the people around him & if any have been discarded etc…does he have affairs, he’s definitely charismatic but, if he’s not then others with him will be for sure 😦
        Bill Clinton is a classic I think?

      4. I’m sorry but I have to tell everyone a couple of jokes because this site helped me through some hard times after a bad experience with a sociopath. In other words, I can almost laugh again. Maybe someone here will laugh too.

        What is the difference between Obama candidate and Obama? Obama candidate said Yes we can, while Obama said yes you will.

        What is the difference between the Reagan administration and the Obama administration? During the Reagan administration we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash and now we have no hope or cash.

        How are Obamacare and an apple similar? They both keep the doctor away.

        How does Obama differ from Abe Lincoln? Lincoln was afflicted with depression and Obama started one

        What is the difference between Osama and Obama? A little bs

  23. Well I was doing well, but here he is again, an Oct 7th made 25yrs., only he didnt acknowledge it. Unbelievable.. He was out all day long. Told him to pack his stuff, he did. Then on the 8th he said he went to the Dr. an played the pity card can I please stay there, like a suckerr I said ok but dont unpack, he just looked at me, funny he was home all day yesterday. I cant stomach this son of a bitch, really.. This addiction sux, hes the one that needs to be discarded.Everyone is sick an tired of my ranting an raving, but this time at least they got it. I dont even feel the way Im supposed to feel. I dont feel good an I dont feel bad either, guess subconsciencly I expected this treatment. Sad isint it. I feel nothing, which is probably a good thing anyway. Here we go again. Peace an love ;(

    1. Hi B 🙂

      Don’t beat yourself up, some women/men stay forever so, it’s your choice.
      My mother ended up being my fathers carer for 25 years after years of a crappy marriage & sleeping in separate rooms. You are not alone, as there are generations of women who have done this, just stayed & lived a half life 😦
      I hope you find your freedom in other pursuits, if your choice is to keep going round the cycle nothing will change except your acceptance of the unacceptable 😦
      Good luck & best wishes, stay strong 🙂

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. I wonder in ‘the olden days’ just how many were trapped in relationships with psychos…. when they couldn’t leave. As it was impossible for a woman to earn as much as the man – and divorce was no socially acceptable. In my grandmothers era – divorce was unheard of (pretty much) it wasn’t acceptable anyway. Fortunately she found a good one…. but I wonder what a lifetime was like for those people stuck all those years ago – when they would have had the judgement of divorce – should they have chosen to leave.

      2. Hi Pos 🙂

        It would have been a nightmare & no support would have been available at all.
        My Dad wasn’t a bad man or psycho, just ruled by his addictions, Alcohol, cigarettes etc…& was very selfish but, he had his reasons. Still his reasons aren’t justification for poor treatment of others especially my mother 😦
        I think the 2nd world war made a lot of women realise they could do for themselves & do what men could do but, once again no financial assistance, children & the slur of divorce would have made it very difficult to leave, therefore they stayed 😦

      3. You are right about this! My father’s sister, Aunt Grace, was married to a man named Oscar who had not gone beyond the third grade in school–and he boasted to people that he had not needed an education to get where he was, a mechanic. He was one of those guys who was ignorant but yet who was always right because he knew it all. Grace. on the other hand, had finished high school and had paid her own way through business school–quite a feat for a woman in the 1930s! He insulted her, physically abused her, and put her down in front of other people, and throughout all this, she kept quiet. She got up at 5:00, cleaned house, got Oscar’s breakfast and made sure he had a lunch, and then she went to her fulltime job as a bookkeeper for a lumber company. Never complained–until he died in the early 1970s. She came to visit us, and as we were sitting talking, she sighed and said, “This is the first time in my life I have felt free to talk without somebody butting in and telling I’m wrong.” That’s what women did back then, a lot of them, anyway–they put their own lives on hold until their husbands died, and then they lived their own lives as long as they could. Let’s celebrate the fact that we are alive now, and we have a lot more choices!

      4. Thanks Jefair 🙂

        We are all products of true survivors in some way.
        I try & make up for what my Mother missed out on as best I can & we have a great time 🙂
        My Mum has been my rock even through my Soc disaster & previous awful marriage so, without her I would have been lost.
        Keep Smiling & living your best life, whenever, wherever & however you can 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      5. @positivagirl

        Just yesterday I saw a video of Vaya Con Dios song “Whats a woman”… and it reminded of your post.

        What´s a woman when a man Don´t stand by her side? What´s a woman when a man Has secrets to hide?

        She´ll be weak She´ll be strong Struggle hard For so long

        What´s a woman when a man (What´s a man without a woman?) Don´t go by the rule? What´s a woman when a man (What´s a men without a woman?) Makes her feel like a fool?

        When right Turns to wrong She will try To hold on to the ghosts of the past When love was to last Dreams from the past Faded so fast

        All alone In the dark She will swear He´ll never mislead her again

        All those dreams from the past Faded so fast Ghosts of the past When love was to last

        All alone In the dark She will swear cross her heart Never again

        Cross my heart Never again     So I guess the best answer to the question “Whats a woman when a man”… is the name of the band: Vaya  Con Dios  !!   🙂

      6. @positivagirl

        Just yesterday I saw a video of Vaya Con Dios song “Whats a woman”… and it reminded of the topic…

        What´s a woman when a man
        Don´t stand by her side?
        What´s a woman when a man
        Has secrets to hide?

        She´ll be weak
        She´ll be strong
        Struggle hard
        For so long

        What´s a woman when a man
        (What´s a man without a woman?)
        Don´t go by the rule?
        What´s a woman when a man
        (What´s a men without a woman?)
        Makes her feel like a fool?

        When right
        Turns to wrong
        She will try
        To hold on to the ghosts of the past
        When love was to last
        Dreams from the past
        Faded so fast

        All alone
        In the dark
        She will swear
        He´ll never mislead her again

        All those dreams from the past
        Faded so fast
        Ghosts of the past
        When love was to last

        All alone
        In the dark
        She will swear cross her heart
        Never again

        Cross my heart
        Never again

        So I guess the best answer to the question “Whats a woman when a man”… is the name of the band: Vaya Con Dios !! 🙂 Thankfully nowadays women CAN do it ! 🙂

      7. Hi Caerra 🙂

        Yes we can do it & thank you for all your amazing insights & sharing 🙂
        I hope you are well 🙂
        Love PR xoxo & of course Light 🙂

    2. Hey Bewildered…. progress is progress… although it might seem that you have gone backwards. No doubt you are stronger – and wiser now. You will see things differently. You will see behind the mask as you are enlightened and you know the truth. You do know that he has moved back in for good (in his mind) – dont you?

      1. Thankyou Phoenix!!!!! :)…

        Hi Pos, yes I realize that. Maybe he wasnt aware on on to act that day. Everything else is fine.. Hes with me everyday. Idk what to make of it , all I can come up with is maybe hr was scared an didnt know how to act. Idk its weird. Peace an love 😉

      2. Hi Positiva, last night around 7:00 this woman my spath used to live with called him. Today he went outside and said he was ging to the emergency room because his back hurt, his back does hurt so it was very believable, and he called me and said he changed his mind about going to the ER and came back home. I went thru his phone and called her back. Thats why he left. He lied to me. Im dissapointed and upset. I realize hes never gonna change and has to go now. Just so used to him, its gonna be tough at times but I will post here for your support. Thanks Pos.. peace an love.. 🙂

      3. Unfortunately, he doesn’t see the need to change. It’s not your fault. We miss them, but imagine what he has to be saying to this person (or the ones you DON’T know about)…and, some of it, about you. That should help straighten out your mind with moving through. A deceiver is a deceiver through and through; it is their nature.

  24. Andrew,

    Have you thought about having the utilities turned off? In most places it is against code to live in a home without utilities.

  25. I’m suffering today with this. No contact is hard, your mind plays tricks on you. Well hes just broken, he’s hurt… he could be that man if I loved him enough. If I was better, what did I do wrong? I know these are thoughts he has put in my head. However they echo as if my own. I feel physically like im going thru withdrawal. I’m shaky, agitated … ive even started questioning myself. Am I the one whose causing this? Am I actually the sociopath? I do have BPD, maybe he was normal and i’m not? What if I can’t be happy with a normal person, with myself? maybe I deserve evil because i’m not sane?

    I need support, guidance and answers today. I hope someone here will read this and help guide me.

    1. Get out! Hang with friends& keep your mind busy. Anytime you think of him.. Stare at something till he is out of your mind.. Example- the lettering or lines on a remote… Keep doing this and eventually you will forget him.. I still get those feelings too.. . I think about mine daily too but I think I psychology pissed him off to the point he will never contact me again.. If he tries to contact you.. Do the same thing.. Let him know you know things that will expose him.. Like I did mine.. I told him about some pretty nasty things that he had no clue I knew.. He hasn’t tried to contact me since then., 🙂

      1. Good advice Kj,

        I did expose my Soc & he was mighty pissed but, he has left me alone (YAY;)
        I know that it was risky but, I hadn’t read up on the ‘NO CONTACT’ rule & I was so enraged & I let him have it!
        I am glad I did but, it was not helping my recovery as it prolonged my healing 😉
        I am 7 months out of a 10 year relationship & finally am healing.
        I think about it often but, not with the rage or pain, just like an observation really 🙂
        Your advice to look at the remote is great & mindfulness is a great way of focusing back onto something inane. I do this all the time so, I can stay in the present as the past is just a memory & so is the pain 🙂
        I read it can take 6-8 months to heal from trauma even emotional so, we must all ‘hang in there’, it can take longer?

        Worrying & stressing is like meditating on negativity & no-one wants to do that so, keep up the good work & positive support 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. I agree it probably prolonged my recovery too but I look at as if I didn’t he would probably contact me again and I know I don’t have the strength not to let him sucker me in. So this was my way out.

      3. Likewise KJ,

        I really wanted to make sure he wouldn’t darken my door again!
        I knew he was going to try when he had his best friend ( a policeman) call to find out ‘how I was’ oh & to tell me he wasn’t a Sociopath….By the end of the conversation there was little doubt although, his friend was very confused by my information etc…this friend has been a follower for many years so, is blindsided & manipulated, poor fool ;(
        Still I made an impact so, I may have looked ‘crazy’ but, I was…crazy mad!
        I was like a chicken when a fox gets in the hen house & I came out with my feathers flying!
        LOL….my chicken still has her feathers & dignity & I’m sitting back on my eggs waiting for them to hatch 😉

        Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      1. I appreciate you so much. I have read for awhile and it has helped me put things in perspective not in place so much more a work in progress, 2 forward 3 back. Gonna get it and not let him snake his way back in. SO DO NOT EVER THINK YOU ARE NOT HELPING US STANDING ON THE SIDE LINES !!!

    2. too have wondered if I am the sociopath in the relationship but while I am acutely aware of my own weaknesses (and admitted to several in those early stages of getting to know my then soon to be husband) I know I am not – that it was my self-doubt magnified by the SP to the point where I was starting to believe I was crazy and incapable of looking after my kids (not his). I managed single parenthood fine before he came along and know I can do so again, even though I have felt addicted to the sensual side of the SP. I know his previous gf was addicted too as she still found reasons to get in touch and texts he showed me said how great they were together. What sick sob shows his wife that stuff? It was all a big ego trip. It was meant to be demeaning and make me work even harder for his affection. If I didn’t do the work during sex, (later he would say this was ‘controlling’ although no complaints beforehand) he would be a dominant aggressive partner then get angry on the occasion I said it didn’t feel like loving intimacy – that I had hurt HIS feelings!

      I think it was the final straw this evening. If we hadn’t had a child I would gladly never see this nasty piece of work ever again.

      Love to all those going through this: you are all worth far, far more

      1. Hi Hugger,

        I felt like a Soc when my rage at what he had been up to hit me like a tidal wave & I was almost crazed in trying to expose him & yes looked like a complete & utter fool 😉
        Yep I was bat-shit-crazy for a while 😉 then I realised the magnitude of my loopy la la Soc so, it ebbed away finally 🙂
        I cycled through all the trauma like I was possessed & I have worked right through all the stages one by one, ugh!! What a journey ;(
        I hadn’t found this site back then as Pos has just started it so, I was always running behind the advice like NO CONTACT etc…humpf!!
        The sex thing is also part of the Soc trait as they appear to be great but, when you really think about it, it was more talk less action or all action & no intimacy etc…mine was always talking about it & couldn’t have a conversation for longer than a couple of minutes before he swung the conversation onto something sexual or intimated his desire for sex all the time.
        Sometimes he would call me & start his smutty talk & I would just agree but, continue reading or ironing & just pretending he was the hottest thing on his short little legs 😉 LOL.
        It’s a shame that we have all had to endure but, we have & are & I for one am stronger & more self aware than ever before so, that’s a good thing 🙂
        No more control or lies or manipulation…wow freedom is wonderful 🙂
        I am sorry you are connected via your child but stay focused on you & your baby as that’s the important thing here 🙂

        Love & Light 😉
        PR xoxo

    3. Hi Shadow 🙂

      Welcome to the site 😉
      You must be very careful with yourself right now especially if you have Bipolar as this experience will amplify your symptoms.
      You must stop doubting yourself & speak only positively to yourself as your mind & body are listening.
      The reactions you are having are completely normal,NORMAL for an EM-PATH ;).
      Bipolar is depression which you cannot help but, you can control it with help (as you know).
      The Sociopath will have undermined your capacity to cope so, you must seek help from Drs, Psychologists, friends/family etc…& do some mindfulness & CBT.
      I have done all this to help me through & here I am 7 months later feeling somewhat amazed at the journey but, much stronger & healthier than I have been for years 🙂
      My Soc was a 10 year imprisonment of mind games so,it’s been a hell of a ride!
      You are going to be okay in time so, just breathe & share & talk etc…most of all rest & regroup your mind, body & soul 🙂
      Easier said than done but, the hard work pays off, you just have to take baby steps, & bit by bit you will move through this but, no magic cure except time can help 🙂

      Stay strong & brave, you deserve to be loved but, you must love yourself first & shine a light back into yourself not the Soc.

      Love & Light to you 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. Hi all I’m new and I have bipolar its not easy most especially when you have a soc pushing your triggers. I just came out of the hospital and what do think . He calling sending flowers O I’m so sorry. We can not take that stress and live. So let decide to live I’m working in it. Thank you for your time

      2. Hi Dianna, welcome to the site. Is there anyway that you could establish No Contact? As the sociopath loves to play games. This will continue – for as long as you allow it to. And this must be difficult for you with bipolar?

      3. Good Luck Dianna,

        Keep NO CONTACT & we are here to help if you need us 🙂

        Love & light 😉
        PR xoxo

      4. Just out of interest…. how do you know where all the comments are PR…. you find them on so many different topics. I know that I see them…. I have often wondered this. It is quite a gift how you find people who need help!! 🙂

      5. Hi Pos, at the end of my reply box underneath comes up 2 boxes 1. Notify me of follow-up comments via email & 2. Notify me of new posts via email…I tick these 😉
        Plus I’m a sticky beak & I really care about these people & their journey like you so, I purely come to help & support with love & light 🙂

        PR xoxo

    4. Please do not think you are the crazy one or that your sociopath was not that bad. Everything you mentioned, is what I went through. In fact, I almost lost my marriage and my beautiful 6 year old daughter. It will take a long time for my wife to fully trust me again.
      My sociopath started out as a work colleague from a job I had to take 1200 miles from my wife and daughter. At the time, back in 2011, my marriage of 12 years was on the brink and we through the d card around. To make a long story short, my sociopath went from colleague to someone way beyond that. It was like she hypnotized me and made every attempt to fill in the voids in my life. She studied me 24/7 for 2 years straight. It took me three attempts to get out, and by the final attempt, where I was unequivocally firm, she tried twice to email me, but I was steadfast on my no contact.
      In the beginning after July 3 2013, I felt free for 2 weeks, then when I reunited with my wife and child after a trial separation, I started thinking about her and my wife kept reminding me of her implicitly and explicitly. Even songs and places would remind me of her. In fact, I sometimes wondered if I was the crazy one and my ex sociopath was normal. Life at first was hard to enjoy, and I do not have many friends, because I live in a very conservative area and people are not always friendly, but that’s another story. In other words, from 1999 to 2010, I lived in a picket fence sheltered world and was the ideal dad.
      Going off on my own with resentment made me vulnerable, not in the physical sense, but emotionally. There were numerous weekends where I wandered around Phoenix and SoCal, just to avert the lonely feelings.
      The sociopath knew this and we got too close and she created a template for my happiness, while deriding everyone and everything around me. I was her prison and her way of getting financial support. I look back, and sometimes think what a piece of s#$t I was, and could not figure out why I acted like that. I kept thinking I was crazy, but less so now, because of the no contact. Please do not contact, even if it kills you. If you can move, do so, the economy sucks everywhere, especially in California, Nevada, and Florida. Meditate, work out, walk, write, etc.
      These Mother F#$&%*@ will curtail your life and could put you six feet under. You are not healthy with these type of people. Please, please do not give in to temptation.

      1. I wrote a little about this on a different post, but I have to recommend this book to you: “People of the Lie”, by M. Scott Peck. Hope you will read it.

    5. Good luck, keep to no contact, but i know this is hard, as i still think of my ex daily but it does work, keep busy reading books or doing creative craft, or drawing or writing letters or gardening or walking or ring friends, family, go on internet read articles of interest, do anything to keep busy,take mind of ex spath.Love & light, xx we all here for you to support.

  26. So I know my x spath is dating another chick and because I feel for her, I check her fb page to see if she is heartbroken or if they split up.. am I crazy for wanting to help a chick i don’t know? . I know it’s coming and she isn’t going to know what hit her.. And do I contact her after the harm has done To help her?
    I have talked to one of his x’s and she said she knew he was nutty but had no clue what it was.. I sent her the signs of a spath and was floored that it fit him to a T..

  27. Today is day 20 with NC for me. I have a friend and brother who have been helping to hold me accountable. Everything written on this post is true. I am so glad I finally came to the light after a 2 yr roller coaster ride!

    1. Congratulations! It feels good! I call it an Emotional Roller Coaster!! We are finally off!!! I’m not looking back!!!!

      1. Yay Kay….no more roller-coaster ride without your consent, life throws stuff at you, catch it & throw it back….good luck & best wishes to you 🙂
        PR xoxo

  28. well, I have maintained no contact with her for nearly three months…those who have read my story might remember that after I threw my sp out of the house, she stayed in my small village. She is still here. It has made no contact hard and painful but it is for the best. I must probably see her at least once a day in passing and of course see the new men she is with ect. That HAS been hard. But I have never broken down even once tho there are many many times I felt so confused and in pain that I wanted to talk with her.

    I had a recent incident with her yesterday which spooked and worries me. I was out riding my bicycle and she pulled up in her vehicle (and a guy was in it with her) and rode along behind my bike at 15 miles an hour for two miles…just staying there and not passing…I have no idea what was going thru her mind maybe besides “look, there is the guy who loved me…let’s torture him abit and it will be even better as he will think this guy in the car is my new boyfriend.” This from the person who told me never to contact or speak to her again. I don’t understand this behavior and wonder what others here think. Thanks.

    1. Yep, she hates that you are out of her control & wants to torment you further 😦
      This is just a game to her & I would be very careful because she may be ‘setting you up’ & doing the ‘torture by triangulation’ with the other guy? It could be to create jealousy so, the other guy may see you as a rival & come after you so, be very careful. I would go & file a complaint to the police for stalking etc…get in first so, that if she escalates you are ahead of her game. My Soc reported me to the police for a text message (I called him a sleazebag!) oops so, he reported me. The police were very understanding & actually could not believe he reported over one word??? My texts etc…were never mean or nasty & I was only relaying what someone else who knew him had said 😉 Still he had the audacity to report me as if he was the victim (sigh)…they really are cold people 😦
      Just watch your back, literally & be careful as she isn’t happy about losing control!

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

    2. I have followed your story and remember she read like a real piece of work. I think, to her sick mind, you are the proverbial “kitten on a clothesline”. She’s just twisted and not right.

    3. @Cash – this woman is NUTS! I don’t know, but I think that’s intimidation on her part. I don’t know what anyone else thinks, but I would talk to the police about that … For someone who has asked you not to contact her that’s quite bold and unstable. Protect yourself first … there are law enforcement officers who will listen to you. Stay safe …

      1. thanks for the comments…I did mention it to the police…as she stayed about ten feet behind me and didn’t try to run me off the road there was no law broken they say. I don’t know, it is so odd to me. She just held the car right there ten feet behind and followed for two miles before I turned down my driveway and then she zoomed off.

        I think her reputation is taking a large hit around the town tho. She has been borrowing cars (altho she has plenty of money to buy her own so that is strange)…she has been gone for 12 weeks and in that time has borrowed maybe 10 different cars from men around town. From what I hear, she draws them in and charms them, tells them all sorts of terrible stories and gets their pity…then they loan her a car. Something must happen each time as usually a week or so later, there is a new car, new guy…I can imagine the dynamic…they want something in return and things get ugly.

        When I first threw her out, for those who might remember, she got an apratment with an 18 year old guy (she is 43)…she even sent me a email out of the blue saying “I know your jealousy…and if you are wondering whether I am enjoying sex with my teen boyfriend…you BET I AM!”…just trying to torment me. Anyhow, after living together for two weeks, I heard he quit his job, and packed his car and left the state all within a few hours…the person I talked to said they didn’t know the whole story but heard it was very very ugly. I can only imagine what she did to him…I am sure it was vicious.

        So in this small place, at first she seemed the exciting new girl and in this place a new woman is like a new woman in alaska …but as time goes on it is getting around that she is definitely off abit and something is going on with her. She tells folks she has had “several boyfriends” since arriving…

        This place is so small all this has of course been made more difficult…I wish so badly she would leave…but I don’t really have any choice as my house and job are here…so I just keep my head down and the no contact in full force and try to move ahead bit by bit…but my god it has been hard…and especially when she does insane things like she did a few days ago.

      2. Keep up the good work Cash, you will triumph 🙂
        Sounds like she may be run out if she’s not careful, I think she sounds a little psychopathic so, be very careful as she is unstable to say the least….I am glad you reported her & you must stay NC forever, no matter what….it’s over….your free so, heal & have a great life 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      3. Thanks PR…the support here has been important. Noone else seems to understand.
        This is interesting…I was talking to an old friend on the phone…he mentioned a friend of his I didn’t know who had dated her 22 years ago! The guy was very concerned and wanted to talk to me so we spoke on the phone. He and her were engaged 22 years ago and were together for three years…the stories he told me were horrific to say the last (and this from a very peaceful guy now married with kids…happy ect…he made me swear I would never mention his name to her as he was still frightened of her!) And the stories were not about a bad relationship, rather just how absolutely vicious and insane she was even back then…at one point she actually attacked him with a knife! so I know it has to be NC FOREVER and no matter what…there is no way this is situational and from taht talk with him I see this has been her lifelong pattern…

      4. Cash just be safe as she may escalate if she feels threatened by exposure so, just watch your back. She sounds very unstable & is acting bizarrely ;(

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

  29. I have struggled today with NC I’m on day 27, I have come this far I told myself I cannot turn back now. He put the Silent Treatment on me so I figured it was the perfect time for me to do the same. I’m not a child I’m a grown women but it’s hard when your a person who likes to talk things through. I just want to be prepared if he does return I will remain strong and I won’t give in. I figured I would come here to get this out.

    1. Hey have you ever quit smoking? Remember this is addiction. All that is happening is that the monster with the rose coloured glasses is rearing it’s ugly head. To bring you back to focus try to write a list of all the bad things he did. How this made you feel? Damage he did to your life. Look at this as this is reality. Take one day at a time. If it gets bad say no contact just for today. Just for now soon the days will turn into weeks again. Remember it is addiction and treat it like this.

    2. You don’t need him anymore today than you did the day you decided to go no contact. You just need a reminder why you decided to do no contact 🙂 you can do this.

  30. Thank you. You are exactly right, I do not need him. My life went on before him and him will go on without him. I wish I would have never met him but I just keep telling myself this will make me stronger. Thanks again!

  31. here is why it is of the utmost importance to go and stay in no contact mode. i recently caught my live in socio ex of 1 yr cheating for the 3rd time [that i know of]. i packed up all his stuff, left it at the door and threw him out [he was out philandering at the time, which was great as i had a few hours to get things packed up]. essentially i ended the ‘relationship’ [not that i really like calling it that] and booted him out simultaneously. once he had collected his stuff the next day and sent multiple abusive and nasty texts, i blocked every form of communication possible [phone, text, email]. a week or so later there were some logistics we had to sort out [mail, keys etc] so we needed to speak. my intention was to keep the communication 100% focussed on logistics… big mistake. in the midst of a bland conversation about mail etc, he suddenly started explaining to me why HE had ‘ended things’. wtf? i kicked this guy to the curb with his stuff in 5 garbage bags yet ‘he ended it’?! this is when i realized the degree to which these parasites need to exert control. even in the face of being clearly let go of and subsequently dumped – he found it necessary to launch into a monologue about why HE actually cut things off and of course all the reasons it was my fault [i.e. for catching him cheating so many times – not the fact that he cheated]. i felt like crap for days after and almost fell into the trap of believing it. i now wish i had just kept no contact and sorted things out via a 3rd party, but in a strange way, the control fueled insanity he displayed in the last convo reinforced to me that he has an illness that is not only rooted in control but also an insatiable need to win, despite the facts and honest truth. needless to say – everything is once again blocked and his mail gets forwarded to his office address without any communication on my end. STAY no contact, do not get sucked into communicating for any reason, because sociopaths WILL find a way to throw you under a bus…and then back over you, just to prove who’s boss.

    1. I am smiling as I read your comment (not for the pain you have been through) but how right you are. I split with my ex lots and lots of times. Every time he would tell me how he ended it 🙂 this is all about power and control. They hate to lose control (more than anything) it’s also mind games. If they tell you they ended it. It hurts you. It’s tit for tat. Like an angry teenager with its parent.

  32. it actually makes me laugh too just because its such an outlandish contradiction. which also describes what the year long relationship i had with him was. i think this is the hallmark of being involved with a socio, its just twist after turn of complete and utter contradictions. eventually you have no choice but to just to wake up and run for your life. as much as the reality of it sucks, its a huge vote for your life.

      1. thanks for relating and for the good advice. really made my day. have really had to dig deep to get through this particular experience and its great to find a forum where validation comes thru almost every post. before i started researching socio behavior in relationships, i was really at such a loss. i do realize it takes 2 to tango in relationships and i certainly wasn’t perfect, but my experience with this guy was unlike anything i’d had before… which i why i suspected some kind of disorder was involved. your site has been a lifesaver and gotten me through many anxiety ridden moments. big thank you for sharing your wisdom…and i big sigh of relief to be socio free, even though i’m paying for it daily at the moment. ugh.

  33. Excellent post!!
    Mark Twain said “Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world!, I ‘ve done it a thousand times!”
    I used to smoke 2 packs per day and this hit home for me.
    Take it moment by moment.
    Thank you again positivagirl!

  34. Hi Pos & everyone,
    Yes i feel the pain of addiction, craving. Had misfortune to bump into ex at shops & felt pain, old connection coming back but also bad energy, anxiety,gnawing emotion. Also memories of good ole times, the Facade, the act etc. Then i went to an Activist Rally, i knew he would be there but i wanted to add my support to the cause. I wont be doing that next time. it was too emotionally painful & also felt bad dark energy. He didnt speak to me, ignoring me both times, he gave me a sickly smile at shops, no speak to me & at the Rally he ignored me, after long time he caught my eye once & looked when the man who kindly gave me a lift, winked to show me moral support, he knew the history with the spath & even called him a grub, shit etc for my benefit & said i should never waste time thinking about him but he prob doesnt understand the addiction spaths, narcs create in their ex victims. My ex was the frontman at the rally, loved being the cntr of attention, posing & stomping & yelling, had loud hailer. I felt dark energy, underlying hostility & a friend who lives hours away, happened to see the Rally on the News & says he can see the Dark Spirit in my Ex, behind his eyes & senses underlying hostility in him. I left before the Tv news team arrived. It was in Morwell May 23rd. Yes my ex Narc is Anti Smart Meter Activist.They Come in all forms. I dont think he’ll try to track me down on this site. He never knew I am in a Forum. i stayed friends with his friend, she seems sympathetic to me & says shes sorry it didnt work out & confirmed he has past sad history, with women, all ended up the same as me. She known him for 20yrs but doesnt see him all the time like i did. 3yrs can pass without contact, he doesnt fancy her so they can stay friends & maybe she not shown his dark side?
    I saw my new boyfriend that same evening, with friends & i began feeling much better, the ex’s negative dark energy has left me, by the following Monday. Love, Truth, Freedom & light & Keep No Contact to all. 🙂 xxoo Thanku for this site, its inspirational, healing.

  35. When mine threatened me last year, I broke off all contact and blocked her. I also tried getting a restraining order on her. (Interesting how after she found out about that, she did an about face and apologized on Facebook, blaming everything on the alcoholism that she suffers from.)

    When my cell phone died, I got a new one and all of the blocking history was erased.

    She texted me over Christmas, saying that (exact words) “I am truly a changed woman now that I have celebrated 6 months of sobriety thanks to you. I think about you a lot. I have a love for you that I can’t explain and because of the way I acted, you will never truly know how I really felt. I want to send you an amends letter as part of my 12-step recovery but I fear for rejection, but I hope you give me the opportunity to know the real me, the sober me.”

    I believed her. I missed her. And I was, and am, still in love with her.

    So I called her (stupid, I know.) And we talked and I agreed to drive up to Stockton to see her because she apparently suffered from a motorcycle accident and was unable to walk. (Though, she has posted photos online of her merrily walking, posing…and dancing!) What?!

    I asked her about the amends letter that she said she would send before I would see her, since I remembered the very recent threats(!) against me…and she became livid!

    I added the Metro-Block on my new phone and blocked her there and on Facebook.

    I am staying away. But, it hurts. And since I myself don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, I can’t honestly say what it feels like to suffer withdrawal, but if this is what it’s like…my sympathies for those who do struggle with addictions.

    It really hurts and it’s a struggle not to call and “reconcile.” This site is a good reminder to those like us that sociopaths don’t really have true feelings for others, since we are just a resource to them.

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