Why do Sociopaths want to stay friends?

I had a question to the site today, asking ‘why does the Sociopath want to stay friends with me?’

Make friends, make friends, never never break friends…..

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Maybe you have broken up with the Sociopath. Perhaps they left you, or you could take no more of their (deliberate) behaviour and you broke up with them.

Then you get the call or message that they

Are concerned about you, and would like to be friends. After all, you have been through so much together. Can we  not just be friends? They miss you….They just want to know that ‘you are ok?’ ….

It sounds harmless enough, right?

Sociopaths have no intentions of being just friends with you!

You need to understand this. If a Sociopath is saying that he or she wants to be friends with you, this means:

  • They are not done with you yet, they are trying to rebuild your trust
  • They do not want YOU to be with someone else (usually this again means they are not done with you yet)
  • They think that there is something more that they can take from you
  • They use the ‘friends’ ruse, so that you will not report them to anybody else, or they can use you (as the friendship decoy)
  • They are using you to make themselves look more trustworthy to somebody else
  • Or they are using you to play victim, making you look like the crazy stalker who won’t leave them alone (thus increasing their desirability to somebody else)

They might just know that they have pushed it too far with you, so they back off. Keeping you as a friend, keeps you in the loop and under their radar. In this scenario, the Sociopath figures that if they lie low for a while, you will get over your emotions, and be fine later. Then he comes back into your life with a sudden drama, to divert your attention from earlier actions and behaviour.

Sometimes they keep you as a friend for a while, after they have drained you, to give you some time to rebuild your finances, or resources. Maybe you are waiting for an inheritance, or something else of value, but this will not come until a later date? They won’t want to waste their time being nice to you, when their reward will not come until later. Instead, they keep you on hold until you payday comes. Magically they later show up for the final last round, being the perfect person to lure you in, build your trust, so that they can drain you some more.

Remember that they are pathological liars? They will lie and make out that you know exactly what they are doing with their lives. They feed you the illusion of their life (friends share remember?) but you won’t really know anything about what is really going on with them. This makes the sociopath feel powerful and in control. They have knowledge, power and control over your life but you will have none over theirs.

You cannot be friends with a sociopath

Seriously. Really, you CANNOT be friends with them. Any kind of communication at all, will pull you down, and take more from you than you have already lost. It might seem to you like a safe bet to ‘just be friends’. After all, you are no longer involved, how can they damage you? You need to understand that Sociopaths do not do anything for anybody else’s benefit, but their own. Everything is a manipulative game, that comes with an agenda.

The last person that you need around you, when you are trying to heal and repair is the person who damaged you!

When a sociopath is ready to move on. They burn bridges. If they are hanging around, feigning friendship, this simply means

THAT THEY ARE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!!

The outcome if you try to be friends with a Sociopath

Sociopaths have two types of people in their lives

  1. Accomplices
  2. Victims

Even their own mother is either an accomplice or a victim. If you try to be friends with them, this is a false friendship, and it will only bring further pain and losses in your life, if  not right now, at a later date (when you discover the truth).

You see, the sociopath will use your ‘fake‘ friendship, to prove to others, that they are ‘not that bad‘, and to another partner, they will use you to make them appear more desirable, building a sense of jealousy (they enjoy making people jealous as this is one emotion that they DO understand).

Sociopaths care about nobody but themselves, and do not experience guilt, remorse or shame for their actions either.

I am unsure if I have made it clear enough, but you cannot be friends with a Sociopath. If they are trying to be friends with you, they have an agenda. There is something they want, or they plan to use you for triangulation purposes, to make themselves look better with someone else.

They do not want you to be friends with them, not once they have moved on. Any contact that you have with them, they use to their advantage, telling others that you are crazy, and you haven’t moved on. That you are trying to be friends with them, but they just feel sorry for you. This could be despite you have made no contact with them at all, and on the other end, they are begging and pleading with you, to be friends with them. They are two faced snakes, and would always stab you in the back if it made them look better. If the sociopath is using you for triangulation purposes with someone else, they are duping TWO or more people, this gives a greater sense of joy, oh it almost becomes addictive for them.

The truth is that they cannot change. They are hardwired this way. They will always be the same. They won’t change and treat you better because you are their ‘friend’. Sociopaths don’t have friends, remember? How many of their long term friends did you actually meet?

If you didn’t get the message – NO you can’t be friends. Friendship with a sociopath does not exist, they only have accomplices or victims. Which were you planning to be?

See the truth. Set yourself free.

Be better not bitter.

Did you try to be friends with the Sociopath? What was the outcome ?

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All rights reserved Copyright datingasociopath.com 2016 – Author Nikki Gillett

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30 thoughts on “Why do Sociopaths want to stay friends?”

  1. I find the reason they want to stay friends is because they view people as objects. Narcs like to acquire objects in lieu of not feeling lonely and like to keep objects in their pocket for future use of supply. They will only leave for good once they know they cannot get back with you because they know you will not allow it. Narcs fear loneliness, they aren’t concerned that the way they treated you so bad was horrible. They just need to know that they have a way back in for more abuse if they can. Imagine if every person who was onto them abandoned them, they would implode for fear of having no one. They screw up everything they touch, encounter, befriend, or have relationships with. In their mind, what they did was no big deal, yet if you reverse the play, you become a child of satan. There’s no such thing as a narc wanting to be friends. When they say that what they are really saying is, will you be open to more abuse from me later on?

  2. Amen. Well said. After a whole year NC,my narc ex gf called me at work and left a message. Wanted me to call her. I did not respond of course. I figure she fell on hard times and was gonna try to suck me back in. Or,she was gonna try to set me up for some revenge,as after the break up,I turned her in to the government for tax fraud. Maybe even kill me- I think she’s capable of it. But either way,I know she was not looking out for my interests! So I simply ignored her. This shows me I have grown a lot. After all the times she ignored me with the silent treatment,I gotta admit it felt good to ignore her. I bet it surprised her and pissed her off. She pushed my button but this time,I did not jump. Like I said,that’s growth. These people can’t fool me anymore cuz now I know the truth about them. Thanks for your posts.

  3. After one of his big discards (we work together) my sociopath would pop up every couple of weeks and act like we were good buddies. I think part of it was because he didn’t want to look like or feel like the bad guy. It was important to him that I was the crazy one who had ruined our relationship and he was the innocent victim. I think he wanted to destroy me and my reputation at work. I didn’t quite fall apart all the way and he couldn’t stand that.

    I had gotten to the point where I couldn’t take the discards and being hurt by him. I stopped having anything to do with him or doing nice things for him. He hated that. He claimed he was hurt and angry that, even though he had put me through the mill, I wasn’t gushing all over him when i’d see him in the hallways or in meetings.

    Lack of accountability was a huge character trait of his. He really couldn’t believe that when he felt like being friendly, I no longer wanted to play with him. And don’t DARE bring up his past behavior as a reason for my not wanting anything to do with him.

    Don’t get me wrong, I fell for it a few times. Only to have him take even more glee at a more cruel discard down the road. He’d play the wronged party and tell me that it hurt I didn’t say ‘hi’ to him in the hallways. So then I’d say ‘hi’ to him and he’d act like I was attacking him and say to other people “See? She’s stalking me! She won’t leave me alone!”

    There is no way possible to be “friends” with him. I don’t trust anything he does or says and never will again.

    1. I don’t believe he ever felt like the bad guy. Although i am sure he manipulated you to believe that he did. You are right. You cannot be friends as they only cause further damage and carnage the longer that you allow them to be in your life. Keep walking 🙂

  4. Every time I read a post especially this one about not being friends with sociopaths, I feel like I am reading about my experience and exactly what I lived through….I have been NC with my SP for 16 months….Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, I still have some bad days and I’m afraid I am very bitter when it comes to dating and toward my friends and family that didn’t support me during my lowest low.. I can say I have had good days too….I’ve been on many exciting adventures this past year, I’ve made new friends, connected with old ones, exploring new opportunities and doing things for me now… I’m trying very hard to block all the negative BS, I’m trying to be better but I don’t think I will ever recover from the trauma that my SP caused……..
    But If it wasn’t for you Positiva and this site I wouldn’t be where I am today……Thank you for everything!!

    1. Thank you Jean life certainly seems to be turning a corner for you. Making new friends is great. It is hard to be ok with those who didn’t stand by you, as hard as it is, try to think of it that they don’t understand crazy, it was hard for them to try to, without thinking you were crazy too. Remember how hard psychos work at doing this to you?

    2. This hits home- my family and friends have pretty much abandoned me when I needed them the most and it is pushing me back toward the only person I have left- my SP. He has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 6 weeks to punish me for finding out that he was cheating one me (which he denied so smoothly I almost believed him despite absolute proof). He has suddenly decided to move 400 km away- his home is for sale right now but has not yet sold. We live in a condo complex two door apart, so this is exquisite torture to see the lockbox on the door and hear the Real Estate agents go by.

      I thought he would leave and I would never hear from him again. I was having an extremely rough time dealing with the silent wall and dealing with the fact that he is leaving. I have been contemplating ending my life to the point where I have done my will and made funeral arrangements for myself. I have some animals, whom I dearly love, and I have boarded them at the vets for the past 2 weeks as I needed them to be safe and cared for if I did decide to end things. As I am writing this, they are still boarded and I cannot bring myself to pick them up even though it is costing a fortune.
      I have sought counseling (non-helpful as the psychologist studied sociopaths for his PhD but has no experience with the damage they do to their partners). I lost my job several weeks ago because I have been so distracted I was just not performing well. I was lucky enough to find another good job right away but fear that my state of mind is still very fragile and I cannot mess this new opportunity up!

      I have been on tenterhooks, expecting him to just disappear, but he unexpectedly contacted me four days ago. I am afraid to say I jumped at the chance to see him again and we spent the last four days together. He has not contacted me today and he is leaving tomorrow. Everyone thinks this is a good thing but I this will get a LOT worse before it gets better because I am so utterly lost and confused. I feel like someone died- this is more than pain, it is trauma, sheer grief. I have had break ups before and been really upset but nothing compares to the agony of this. I am in a smaller city with few resources for counseling, no support groups and the friends that I have abandoned me long ago because they hated the way my boyfriend treated me. I don’t think they were really friends in the first place (seriously, what kind of friend would dump a friend because they think their boyfriend is abusive?).

      My SP and I were together for three years- 80% of the time things were so, so good, but 20% of the time was truly awful. He never exactly lied, but he was evasive or would simply not answer questions. I would ask him something and he would completely pretend I had not spoken and then keep talking about something else like I had never said a word: my question was completely insignificant, along with my concerns (and me).
      He would treat me extremely well and then very suddenly stop talking to me for days or sometimes weeks: I never knew what I had done. I started keeping a detailed journal to see if there was a trigger for his behaviour but I could never find one. It seemed, however, that the closer we became or if things had been going really well for a long stretch he would throw me completely off by being particularly loving and then cutting off all communication the next day.
      If I waited for him and confronted him to find out what was wrong he would not acknowledge my presence. He would completely ignore me as if I did not exist. If I did happen to catch him off guard and he did look at me his eyes were so flat and cold it was frightening, it was like he HATED me.
      The silences were the worst- they were so unpredictable and came when I least expected them. The first day or two of silent treatment was not too bad- sometimes he would stop before things went on for too long. But other times they would stretch on for what seemed like forever. As the silences grew I would apologize for anything I thought I might have done to offend him, I would bake cookies and banana bread and leave them at his door, buy small gifts, leave hand-written letters… He LOVED it, I was/am such a perfect little toy.

      At first I thought he was BiPolar but the psychologist pointed out that BiPolar cycles happen randomly, but my SP’s behaviour was targeted: he used silence to completely unbalance me. By not answering my questions he was doing the same thing. He was so extremely jealous I was no longer able to visit friends or stay late at work if I needed to finish off a project. I would be accused of cheating and then would suffer the silent treatment (the length of the silences were always variable, to keep me from feeling like i had any sort of stability). He was sure EVERY guy who we encountered wanted me- no kidding, from the pimply-faced teenage guy at a fast-food restaurant to the owner of a cafe we frequented. The two times I ventured out and went to have dinner at a friends house (my SP was invited, too, but refused to go) I was shut out for days and was told that my story about meeting friends for dinner sounded suspicious. Once of those times I got home at 10:20 and he was furious, wanting to know why I was home so late!

      Once we were supposed to go to a movie together but I texted him for three hours before we were supposed to leave and he would not answer so I went alone. He apparently spent 2 1/2 hours pacing in the parking lot, waiting for me to come home. He had also kicked his kitchen wall and had really hurt his foot, so I should say he was actually limping around the parking lot. When he saw my car he ran back up into his suite and waited for me to knock on his door (he knew I would) then he accused me of going to the movie without him, like I hadn’t tried for hours to get him to respond before I left!

      He would disappear for days at a time and if I asked where he was… silent treatment.

      We always spent Friday and Saturday nights together, doing stuff around town. Sometimes he would blow off our dates, totally ignore my texts asking if he wanted to do something that night, and come home at midnight- I never was able to ask why he left me hanging or where he was. He never gave me the courtesy of just saying that he had other plans.
      But we did a lot of things together, he was from Southeast Asia so he taught me how to cook lots of great dishes and he loved to cook huge meals for me. We had so much in common, we literally spent all of our available time together and we never fought so but I always knew something was not right. He would only admit we were in a relationship if pressed- when we ran into his coworkers (he had no friends) I was his neighbour. He HATED the word love, and said he hated anything romantic (but he would sometimes text me to go to the beach at midnight and we would hold hands and watch the stars, or run around playing on the swings like a couple of kids).

      He would buy me gifts but would rarely accept any in return. He would do very generous things for me but if it was pouring rain and he had walked to work he would rather get drenched and risk getting sick than allow me to pick him up in my warm car. He would tell me he needed me and that I was indispensable then would stop talking to me. He told me that he wanted to make our relationship permanent. He would check out other women, very obviously, when we were out on dates. He would sometimes say really, really odd things: for instance, he once told me he really wanted to hurt me. Once he told me that he had a monster inside him. Once he told me he had no feelings at all until he was in his twenties and that he sometimes feltlike he was “floating outside his body”. He also told me that he used “silent treatment” on me out of respect, because he didn’t want to yell at me or tell me that something I had done bothered hm.

      So here I am, I recognize that this is very twisted and yet I still love him more than i have ever loved another human in my life. This hurts so badly. I have no idea how I will react when I see the moving van pull up tomorrow. I saw him for the past four days and things were great. he even told me I can come and visit him once he buys a new place. I managed to convince myself that he only got in touch with me because he really missed me and could not bear to leave me because he realized he does not want to lose me. But part of me wonders if the REAL reason that he got in touch with me was to re-engage me, to make the impact of his departure even more painful. I have not heard from him at all today but we spent last night snuggled up together on his couch just holding each other close like we used to do.

      It helps to read that others have gone through this and understand that this is NOT a normal relationship or a normal breakup.

      1. rollthehard6, you have been through THE MILL with this guy. I have to tell you from my own experience, IT WILL GET BETTER. For your sake, I hope he leaves and STAYS AWAY. This will be the only chance you will have to get your head right and start healing!

        I too isolated myself from friends and family. They thought I was being a fool for taking the crap I did from this guy and didn’t want to hear about it or be around me when I was upset. No one knows what it’s like to be in a relationship like this. They just think you are stupid for staying/going back. I’m slowly getting in touch with friends I haven’t talked to or seen for 2 years and they are surprisingly happy to hear from me and want to get back to hanging out.

        TRY to reach out to some of your old friends and family. Maybe some of them won’t be warm to it, but some of them WILL. And I have found that hanging around with other people and NOT talking about my sociopath and NOT thinking about him put my head in a happy place.

        Just spending a few hours having a good time with friends gives me LOADS of reserves of confidence. It also allows me to step back and REALLY LOOK at what the guy did in black and white.

        When you get some distance from it, you see how truly toxic it was, and that give you even MORE strength to focus on you and less on the emotions you have tied to something that was never good anyways.

        I got that look too. The cold, flat glare, like he HATED me.

        This is not a person who is healthy to have in your life. And its going to take a lot to heal from it. But take it from someone who also thought about ending their life many times over this guy. IM GLAD I DIDN’T.

        I see what he is now and IT WOULD BE A WASTE TO KILL YOURSELF OVER SOMEONE LIKE THIS!

        Its a process. You WILL feel better though. I went from having anxiety attacks and crying in the bathroom at work if he did not say ‘good evening’ to me to not even caring.

      2. “But part of me wonders if the REAL reason that he got in touch with me was to re-engage me, to make the impact of his departure even more painful.”

        Another thing I learned, GO WITH YOUR GUT. It’s telling you the truth. Your body and your head are TELLING you the truth. And his past behavior has taught you to question his motives.

      3. I just wanted to add an update. So as I said in my previous post, after no communication whatsoever for 6 painful weeks, he contacted me and we spent four days together. Then, before he left I didn’t hear a single word all day or on his final night. I had no idea when he was leaving or if he would say good bye. At noon on Sunday he knocked on my door and said “do you have a bag packed?” I didn’t but I said ‘yes” anyways. He said “grab it the. Let’s go”. So I quickly packed a suitcase and ran it down to his car- we drove to the city. He had no accommodation planned and was starting work at City Hall on Monday. ON THE WAY, on my cell phone, I found him a furnished suite to rent for $1200 (which was $300 less than he was expecting to have to pay to live at a cheap hotel). The house that it is in is absolutely gorgeous and 10 minutes from his work. And, miraculously, it was available so I booked it for him.
        The suite is beautiful and clean and new, and believe it or not, has a private gym. It was a real surprise as the other listings I found were in the range of 2000-2600 for a tiny, dumpy, furnished short term rental.
        We got there and all he could do was complain about living in some “rich bastards basement”.

        I was really hurt and insulted- the place is gorgeous and it is in a nice, safe neighbourhood. The home owners are lovely and friendly. Plus my boyfriend has no right to call people out for their money when he himself has a VERY high position at City Hall and will be making over six figures himself. He complained about everything… but the hotel he had looked at had just been fumigated for bedbugs and was $600 a month more! I couldn’t believe that he was slamming this gorgeous suite.
        We had dinner, then watched TV and went to bed. I was only able to stay in the city for Sunday and Monday night as I had to be at work for Tuesday. I was planning to take the Grayhound bus but he insisted on purchasing a plane ticket for me.
        Sunday night he was very cuddly and affectionate, and I was just starting to think that he was back to his normal self when he said “well, too bad the landlord saw you here. Now she will wonder what is going on when I bring other girls home” then smirked at me. I had to go to the bathroom to cry so he wouldn’t see how much that stung.
        He started work the next day, I helped him pick a shirt and tie that went with his suite and after he left I had the day in Vancouver to myself. I took the bus to the Quay and picked him up a few things for him to have for breakfast after I left: fresh fruit, bakery goods, a pound of good ground coffee. He came home at 6 and hated everything I bought him, even though it is stuff I know he would have bought himself. He even made me take the mangos back home with me when I flew earlier today. Lat night we had dinner then went to a movie and shared popcorn and aa drink but he would not touch me at all. He did keep saying how sorry he was that he left me alone all day. When we got back he would not come near me in bed- if I placed my hand on his shoulder he would slowly move away, while pretending to be asleep.

        My flight was at 9 this morning and we had to get up super early so that he could drop me off and then NOT be late for his second day at work. We did not talk all the way – I needed to know if I would ever see hm again or if this was just a little end-stage amusement for him. I asked him if I could visit again. Laugh. Smirk. I said “no, seriously, I need to know! This isn’t fair!” Laugh. Smirk.
        So he dropped me off at the door and headed off and I sat outside and cried then had no other choice but to get on that plane and fly home.

        Why? Why did he bring me with him? Could he have been a little nervous about starting a new job and he finds my presence comforting? Did he do it to show me that things will be okay? Did he do it to show me that things won’t be okay? There is some twisted reason, I am sure.

      4. Thank you, Jude. It is really, really hard right now and I am okay at work but fall completely apart when I get home. As you said, friends and family just think I am stupid to put up with this, and some are quite vocal about that so I avoid them. They just do not understand. It happened very slowly- he didn’t start out treating me this badly and there were so many, many, many times that were good.

        We did everything together. I have lived in this city for 15 years and had not seen or done 1/100th of the things that he and I did together in 2 1/2 years. I know that I would never be able to fill this loss with a dozen friends. Prior relationships were NOTHING like this at all, not ANYWHERE close to the intensity or the excitement. I have never cared about sex but for the first time I did- we were very, very compatible. He was my very best friend and the love of my life, but I don’t even know if he cared about me. There were signs that he did and many, many, signs that he didn’t.
        I don’t know how to say this properly, but the thought of him not being in my life just amplifies how much I miss him. I was empty before I met him. I was not happy or sad, I was just kind of in limbo, and that was okay because I had nothing to compare it to. Then I met him and it was so, so intense. He filled my whole world, and now he is gone and it feels like something has died inside me.
        But at the same time, I am a smart woman and I recognized very early on that the relationship was abusive and that he did not treat me well. Quite a long time ago I started to investigate what might be wrong with him. From sites like this I was pretty sure that he had a personality disorder, but when I read over the symptoms nothing seemed to match. I even went to some appointments with a psychologist to find out more about different types of disorders and how to cope with his behaviour. I was specifically looking to avoid triggering the dreaded Silent Treatment. The psychologist obviously could not diagnose another person without seeing them, but he gave me a few tips that were helpful.

        After doing a lot of reading I was pretty sure that my boyfriend was rapid-cycling BiPolar with emotional disconnect: it fit closely. I thought the silences were part of a downcycle. I visited the psychologist with my hypothesis and he FINALLY said “No, that’s NOT right. Go home and look up “Successful Psychopath”. He said that BiPolar silences do happen, but they happen randomly. He pointed out that my boyfriend used calculated silences as part of his hold over me, to control and unbalance me so that I am always on edge and unsure where I stand in his life.

        By treating me really, really well and then cutting off all contact, there is some kind of weird thrill. I perform perfectly- I am a Sociopaths DREAM. I write letters, I bake cookies and cakes and leave them at his door, I find little gifts that I know he will like and leave them at his door. I beg him to talk to me. When he finally talks to me again I am terrified to say anything negative around him (even having a bad day at work and mentioning it could trigger him to ignore me) and I am also too afraid to ask him any questions or bring up his behaviour for fear of another round.
        So I looked up “Successful Psychopath and Sociopath and was blown away by how perfect this fits. There is NO doubt. My boyfriend is classic- he should be someone’s Master’s Thesis. He is a poster boy for Sociopathy. He has every single one of Dr. Robert Hares Factor 1 character traits (but only a couple of the factor 2 ones, possibly because he was raised in a British military boarding school and things like juvenile delinquency and early behavioural problems would just not have been possible). I did not recognize the Narcissism at first because it is toned down and mixed heavily with very complex lies. For instance, he told me that his family was very, very wealthy and owned properties all over the city where he was born (in Southeast Asia). Then I found out he is sending huge portions of his paycheque to his parents to support them. He had such elaborate stories about the many houses his parents owned that I suspect his family must have WORKED for a wealthy family and he is adapting the story. I didn’t have any reason to suspect he was lying and I had zero interest in his money so I believed him.
        I am torn between remembering how horrible and damaging the long episodes of Silent Treatment could be and remembering how great things were when we traveled together, or how sweet he was when he cooked a traditional meal for me so that I could taste what the food from his home country was like. He could be very, very, very sweet. I just can’t believe that he was evil or conniving or that he was purposefully manipulative and cruel. But he was.
        I kept a very detailed journal for the last year and a half. Initially it was to try to find triggers for his mood swings so that I could help him or get help for him. When I go through the entries I am stunned by how childish his behaviour was and how cruel and unpredictable. For instance, he would suddenly leave- I would have dinner with him the night before and then his car and him would be gone for a week or longer. I would know he was back when the car was back- while he was away he would not respond to anything. I would find out (sometimes months later) that he had gone on a holiday. If he did happen to tell me he was going away, he refused to tell me when he was leaving, where he was going, or when he was returning. Sometimes I would find out where he because he would bring me back a souvenir, but i could not ask any details about the trip.
        He also said very cruel things, often when we had just had an otherwise great day- it was as if he HAD to ruin the day or hurt me. He knew that monogamy was very important to me and he frequently made remarks he knew would upset me. Once he told me he was a sex tourist (and, because of what I just mentioned about him suddenly leaving and refusing to say where he had been) I partially believed him.

        Last Christmas he went away (to California, he told me, but this turned out to be a lie). He suddenly missed me badly and came back after 4 days from wherever he was. We spent 5 days, including New Years together and everything was fabulous. He was wonderful and very, very affectionate and sweet. Then one morning he suddenly started talking about how there are no good relationships and that he was afraid that if we stayed together we might one day have a fight (he was pathologically afraid of being yelled at, I thought this may be from military school). I vehemently defended our relationship (to this point we had never had a fight or argument). Then he started getting really weird and said that if our relationship and our sex life was as great as I thought, that he needed to be sure. He said the only way to be sure would be to sleep with a few other girls for comparison: he asked me to wait for him while he tried some girls out, and told me if it didn’t work out with them he wanted to be able to come back to me.

        So, needless to say, this precipitated our first fight. I was so, so hurt. I freaked on him and yelled at him for about 2 minutes and told him that 80% of the time he was fabulous and treated me well but 20% of the time he was a total douche. I told him that he needed professional help and that he should run, not walk, to a psychiatrist.
        He went totally catatonic. His face and eyes went totally blank. He walked over to the sofa and lay face down and started to cry. I ran over and held him and started to apologize. He was non-responsive. He let me hold him for about half an hour then pushed me away and went to his bedroom. He curled up in a fetal position and stayed like that for hours and hours. I curled up behind him and held him and kept apologizing over and over. He let me hold him for a while then shrugged me away. He lay there all day and into the evening, curled up in the dark and i stayed. I almost called an ambulance but he would never have forgiven me. I have never seen anything like this- it was soooooo weird. I finally left. I had brought my birds over to visit him (he loves my birds so when I visited him they usually came along, too. I had a cage at his place for them) so I left the birds there to keep him company. I was sure he would not hurt them.

        He did not talk to me for 4 weeks. Total radio silence. I was so upset and blamed myself even though I knew that the whole thing was due to the horrible thing he had said to me. I couldn’t eat and lost 22 pounds. I started getting acid reflux that I STILL have 24-7.
        I was a wreck at work and was crying all the time in the bathroom and on the long commute home. He kept my birds and I could not reach him to ask for them back. I did not know if he was still reading my emails and texts or if he had blocked me so I resorted to hand-written letters slipped under his door. I left home made baked goods and small gifts. He brought them all inside his suite- if he hated me he would have just hung them back on my door so I thought this was a good sign (I did not recognize it as extremely manipulative behaviour). I could hear my birds so I knew they were okay, but after 10 days I was starting to get very worried. This is when I contacted a psychologist to help me figure out what was wrong with my boyfriend and how to negotiate our relationship. One day I came home and he had brought the birds back and left them (fat and happy) in my suite, he had a key to my suite but i have never had one to his.

        He finally broke and agreed to go to a hockey game with me. He would only agree to meet me at the game but I was grateful. We went out for food afterward then to a pub where we played board games. Things went well, but through the ENTIRE evening he did not once, not once so much as glance at me- he kept his eyes averted. For some reason when he is mad at me, or if he has just imposed Silent Treatment and has decided to talk to me again the first day we are back together is ALWAYS like this. It is really, really odd and uncomfortable. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this. As he starts to forgive me, usually the second day, I will catch him glancing up at me, briefly. Once I caught him talking photos of me when he thought i wasn’t looking. Then he finally talks to me and looks at me like a normal human. My boyfriend seems to be on the extreme end of the scale of Sociopaths from what I have read.

        Despite all of this, it is STILL the best relationship I have ever had.. I am mentioning some of the bad things but there was a huge, incredible amount of very good things and he could be very affectionate and romantic. After we got back together from our fist fight, he told me that he had been thinking about things and was certain that he wanted to be with me. Things improved in many ways, but he did start to get more ferociously jealous and began to isolate me more than he had before.

        The he started having problems at work- and decided that he needed to move away. I was supposed to have gone with him- I arranged for a job transfer and he started to apply for other positions. Then I lost my job- I think part of the reason was that I was not stellar at work (I did my job but due to his jealousy I could not take on any extra work or do any of the team building things as they took place after traditional work hours, and I was obviously stressed when things were not going well. I thought I was hiding things by crying in the bathroom but I guess not). When i lost my job I lost the chance to relocate with him- in the meantime he was negotiating a job in the city. It sucked so badly. He said that he would take care of me etc.. and did take over my car payments for 2 months. He also paid for a lawyer as my company made me sign a document saying I would not sure them for wrongful dismissal- they withheld my letter of reference and final pay cheque until I signed and my boyfriend was sure this was not legal.

        But then we had an argument and he stopped talking to me for these past 6 weeks. It has been hell- I have never lost a job before and then having him shut me out made things so much worse. I had no idea if he had a job offer, and did not know until I saw that his suite was listed for sale. I had no idea if he hated me, if he was planning to just leave and never contact me again. Whether he missed me (or torturing me, or sex). I wrote email and texted but gave up as I figured he had probably blocked me. I gave up on letters and wrote short notes on recipe cards so that as he stooped to pick them up he would read them whether he intended to or not. Part of me wanted him to just go but a larger part wanted him to stay. Then he finally started talking to me, a few days before his job started. The Sociopath came back…

        He was supposed to have moved out his furniture on the 9th, but after we spent the night of the 8th together he called and cancelled the movers and told me he had decided to leave his stuff here and drive back every weekend. Why? Will he? I doubt it.
        A couple days later he spent $1500 on snow tires, and bought the exact ones that I just put on my car (they are specialty and hard to find so he sought them out, specifically for some reason). Why? He does not need snow tires in the Lower Mainland- it is law here but not there. He would only need them if he were to drive back. I still doubt he will drive back but that is a LOT of money to spend for no reason…

        His job started on the 14th and he did not leave here until the afternoon of the 13th. I had not heard from him in a day and a half- he suddenly showed up at my door and asked if I had a bag packed and told me to meet him at his car. I did and was surprised to find out that he had not yet arranged for accommodation. This is a job with a VERY large title and a staggering amount of responsibility- I cannot believe that he had not arranged for a place to live right up to the day before he left! In fact, he didn’t find a place- I did. I found him a suite and made the arrangements as we were driving to Vancouver. Why did he not arrange for somewhere to live?? It seemed to me like he really, really did not want to go. Yet he did not appear worried or nervous at all- he was gloating about how he will be the boss. I have no idea how he will be able to cope ot if he is actually any good at what he does. The man I know is unable to make a sound decision and is very indecisive. He makes poor choices and cannot accept any sort of criticism. How does he survive and apparently thrive in a very stressful and high-demand work situation?
        I think I was the reason he was able to cope here- that may be why he “needed” me.
        So I flew back here on Tuesday morning- and I have no way to contact him. He currently has no cell phone, and no phone. When I asked him if he would send his new number when he gets one he just laughed at me. He has a laptop but from past experience I know that he has this odd rule where he will only answer email once a day and only one question. I had a very brief and stunningly informal email yesterday and nothing today. Maybe he is planning to start a new life without me.
        I am not sure if I am welcome to visit again or if he brought me along as a last hurrah. I know in my head that is really, really twisted but my heart cannot stop loving him or accept this. Probably because he says one thing and does another. I went from my above letter- dreading the moving van- to driving to Vancouver with him for his first two days of his new job. I was with him less than 48 hours ago. But why?? Why would he want me there, he MUST care or get some sort of comfort from my presence. I recognize that he brought me for some selfish reason, and NOT because he wanted to make sure that I am okay or to reassure me. It was for his own purpose… This is so hard- it is NOT like dealing with a normal person and it is NOT a normal breakup. I am not entirely sure it IS a breakup. I just don’t know.

      5. Thank you, Jude. It is really, really hard right now and I am okay at work but fall completely apart when I get home. As you said, friends and family just think I am stupid to put up with this, and some are quite vocal about that so I avoid them. They just do not understand. It happened very slowly- he didn’t start out treating me this badly and there were so many, many, many times that were good.

        We did everything together. I have lived in this city for 15 years and had not seen or done 1/100th of the things that he and I did together in 2 1/2 years. I know that I would never be able to fill this loss with a dozen friends. Prior relationships were NOTHING like this at all, not ANYWHERE close to the intensity or the excitement. I have never cared about sex but for the first time I did- we were very, very compatible. He was my very best friend and the love of my life, but I don’t even know if he cared about me. There were signs that he did and many, many, signs that he didn’t.
        I don’t know how to say this properly, but the thought of him not being in my life just amplifies how much I miss him. I was empty before I met him. I was not happy or sad, I was just kind of in limbo, and that was okay because I had nothing to compare it to. Then I met him and it was so, so intense. He filled my whole world, and now he is gone and it feels like something has died inside me.
        But at the same time, I am a smart woman and I recognized very early on that the relationship was abusive and that he did not treat me well. Quite a long time ago I started to investigate what might be wrong with him. From sites like this I was pretty sure that he had a personality disorder, but when I read over the symptoms nothing seemed to match. I even went to some appointments with a psychologist to find out more about different types of disorders and how to cope with his behaviour. I was specifically looking to avoid triggering the dreaded Silent Treatment. The psychologist obviously could not diagnose another person without seeing them, but he gave me a few tips that were helpful.

        After doing a lot of reading I was pretty sure that my boyfriend was rapid-cycling BiPolar with emotional disconnect: it fit closely. I thought the silences were part of a downcycle. I visited the psychologist with my hypothesis and he FINALLY said “No, that’s NOT right. Go home and look up “Successful Psychopath”. He said that BiPolar silences do happen, but they happen randomly. He pointed out that my boyfriend used calculated silences as part of his hold over me, to control and unbalance me so that I am always on edge and unsure where I stand in his life.

        By treating me really, really well and then cutting off all contact, there is some kind of weird thrill. I perform perfectly- I am a Sociopaths DREAM. I write letters, I bake cookies and cakes and leave them at his door, I find little gifts that I know he will like and leave them at his door. I beg him to talk to me. When he finally talks to me again I am terrified to say anything negative around him (even having a bad day at work and mentioning it could trigger him to ignore me) and I am also too afraid to ask him any questions or bring up his behaviour for fear of another round.
        So I looked up “Successful Psychopath and Sociopath and was blown away by how perfect this fits. There is NO doubt. My boyfriend is classic- he should be someone’s Master’s Thesis. He is a poster boy for Sociopathy. He has every single one of Dr. Robert Hares Factor 1 character traits (but only a couple of the factor 2 ones, possibly because he was raised in a British military boarding school and things like juvenile delinquency and early behavioural problems would just not have been possible). I did not recognize the Narcissism at first because it is toned down and mixed heavily with very complex lies. For instance, he told me that his family was very, very wealthy and owned properties all over the city where he was born (in Southeast Asia). Then I found out he is sending huge portions of his paycheque to his parents to support them. He had such elaborate stories about the many houses his parents owned that I suspect his family must have WORKED for a wealthy family and he is adapting the story. I didn’t have any reason to suspect he was lying and I had zero interest in his money so I believed him.
        I am torn between remembering how horrible and damaging the long episodes of Silent Treatment could be and remembering how great things were when we traveled together, or how sweet he was when he cooked a traditional meal for me so that I could taste what the food from his home country was like. He could be very, very, very sweet. I just can’t believe that he was evil or conniving or that he was purposefully manipulative and cruel. But he was.
        I kept a very detailed journal for the last year and a half. Initially it was to try to find triggers for his mood swings so that I could help him or get help for him. When I go through the entries I am stunned by how childish his behaviour was and how cruel and unpredictable. For instance, he would suddenly leave- I would have dinner with him the night before and then his car and him would be gone for a week or longer. I would know he was back when the car was back- while he was away he would not respond to anything. I would find out (sometimes months later) that he had gone on a holiday. If he did happen to tell me he was going away, he refused to tell me when he was leaving, where he was going, or when he was returning. Sometimes I would find out where he because he would bring me back a souvenir, but i could not ask any details about the trip.
        He also said very cruel things, often when we had just had an otherwise great day- it was as if he HAD to ruin the day or hurt me. He knew that monogamy was very important to me and he frequently made remarks he knew would upset me. Once he told me he was a sex tourist (and, because of what I just mentioned about him suddenly leaving and refusing to say where he had been) I partially believed him.

        Last Christmas he went away (to California, he told me, but this turned out to be a lie). He suddenly missed me badly and came back after 4 days from wherever he was. We spent 5 days, including New Years together and everything was fabulous. He was wonderful and very, very affectionate and sweet. Then one morning he suddenly started talking about how there are no good relationships and that he was afraid that if we stayed together we might one day have a fight (he was pathologically afraid of being yelled at, I thought this may be from military school). I vehemently defended our relationship (to this point we had never had a fight or argument). Then he started getting really weird and said that if our relationship and our sex life was as great as I thought, that he needed to be sure. He said the only way to be sure would be to sleep with a few other girls for comparison: he asked me to wait for him while he tried some girls out, and told me if it didn’t work out with them he wanted to be able to come back to me.

        So, needless to say, this precipitated our first fight. I was so, so hurt. I freaked on him and yelled at him for about 2 minutes and told him that 80% of the time he was fabulous and treated me well but 20% of the time he was a total douche. I told him that he needed professional help and that he should run, not walk, to a psychiatrist.
        He went totally catatonic. His face and eyes went totally blank. He walked over to the sofa and lay face down and started to cry. I ran over and held him and started to apologize. He was non-responsive. He let me hold him for about half an hour then pushed me away and went to his bedroom. He curled up in a fetal position and stayed like that for hours and hours. I curled up behind him and held him and kept apologizing over and over. He let me hold him for a while then shrugged me away. He lay there all day and into the evening, curled up in the dark and i stayed. I almost called an ambulance but he would never have forgiven me. I have never seen anything like this- it was soooooo weird. I finally left. I had brought my birds over to visit him (he loves my birds so when I visited him they usually came along, too. I had a cage at his place for them) so I left the birds there to keep him company. I was sure he would not hurt them.

        He did not talk to me for 4 weeks. Total radio silence. I was so upset and blamed myself even though I knew that the whole thing was due to the horrible thing he had said to me. I couldn’t eat and lost 22 pounds. I started getting acid reflux that I STILL have 24-7.
        I was a wreck at work and was crying all the time in the bathroom and on the long commute home. He kept my birds and I could not reach him to ask for them back. I did not know if he was still reading my emails and texts or if he had blocked me so I resorted to hand-written letters slipped under his door. I left home made baked goods and small gifts. He brought them all inside his suite- if he hated me he would have just hung them back on my door so I thought this was a good sign (I did not recognize it as extremely manipulative behaviour). I could hear my birds so I knew they were okay, but after 10 days I was starting to get very worried. This is when I contacted a psychologist to help me figure out what was wrong with my boyfriend and how to negotiate our relationship. One day I came home and he had brought the birds back and left them (fat and happy) in my suite, he had a key to my suite but i have never had one to his. Did he “try out” a few girls in this month? No. He was home every night, early.

        He finally broke and agreed to go to a hockey game with me. He would only agree to meet me at the game but I was grateful. We went out for food afterward then to a pub where we played board games. Things went well, but through the ENTIRE evening he did not once, not once so much as glance at me- he kept his eyes averted. For some reason when he is mad at me, or if he has just imposed Silent Treatment and has decided to talk to me again the first day we are back together is ALWAYS like this. It is really, really odd and uncomfortable. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this. As he starts to forgive me, usually the second day, I will catch him glancing up at me, briefly. Once I caught him talking photos of me when he thought i wasn’t looking. Then he finally talks to me and looks at me like a normal human. My boyfriend seems to be on the extreme end of the scale of Sociopaths from what I have read.

        Despite all of this, it is STILL the best relationship I have ever had.. I am mentioning some of the bad things but there was a huge, incredible amount of very good things and he could be very affectionate and romantic though he really hated the work “love” and it took him almost two years to admit we were in a relationship (he did not want to define things). After we got back together from our fist fight, he told me that he had been thinking about things and was certain that he wanted to be with me. Things improved in many ways, but he did start to get more ferociously jealous and began to isolate me more than he had before. He did a few mean things, like inviting me to a public hearing that he was presenting, and then pretending he did not know me so I felt really, really awkward and embarrased.

        The he started having problems at work- and decided that he needed to move away. I was supposed to have gone with him- I arranged for a job transfer and he started to apply for other positions. Then I lost my job- I think part of the reason was that I was not stellar at work (I did my job but due to his jealousy I could not take on any extra work or do any of the team building things as they took place after traditional work hours, and I was obviously stressed when things were not going well. I thought I was hiding things by crying in the bathroom but I guess not). When i lost my job I lost the chance to relocate immediately with him- in the meantime he was negotiating a job in the city. It sucked so badly. He said that he would take care of me etc.. and did take over my car payments for 2 months. He also paid for a lawyer as my company made me sign a document saying I would not sure them for wrongful dismissal- they withheld my letter of reference and final pay cheque until I signed and my boyfriend was sure this was not legal.

        But then we had an argument and he stopped talking to me for these past 6 weeks. It has been hell- I have never lost a job before and was panicked about my mortgage and payments. He just could not understand why I was so worried. Having him shut me out made things so much worse. I had no idea if he had a job offer, and did not find out until one day I saw that his suite was listed for sale. I had no idea if he hated me, if he was planning to just leave and never contact me again. Whether he missed me (or torturing me, or sex). I wrote email and texted but gave up as I figured he had probably blocked me. I gave up on letters and wrote short notes on recipe cards so that as he stooped to pick them up he would read them whether he intended to or not. Part of me wanted him to just go but a larger part wanted him to stay. Then he finally started talking to me, a few days before his job started. The Sociopath came back…

        He was supposed to have moved out his furniture on the afternoon of the 9th, but after we spent the night of the 8th together he called in the morning and cancelled. He told me he had decided to leave his stuff here and planned to drive back every weekend. Why? Why did he do this? Everything is already in boxes and packed and he had already planned to have the movers store the furniture. Why did he cancel? Was it because of me? Will he really come back?? I doubt it.
        But then a couple days later he went out and spent $1500 on snow tires: he bought the exact ones that I just put on my car (they are specialty and hard to find so he sought them out, specifically for some reason). Why? He does not need snow tires in the Lower Mainland- it is law here but not there. He would only need them if he were to drive back. I still doubt he will drive back but that is a LOT of money to spend for no reason…

        His job started on the 14th and he did not leave here until the afternoon of the 13th. I had not heard from him in a day and a half- he suddenly showed up at my door and asked if I had a bag packed and told me to meet him at his car. I did and was surprised to find out that he had not yet arranged for accommodation. This is a job with a VERY large title and a staggering amount of responsibility- I cannot believe that he had left his departure so late and that he had not arranged for a place to live! In fact, he didn’t find a place to live- I did. I found him a suite and made the arrangements as we were driving to Vancouver. Why did he not arrange for somewhere to live?? It seemed to me like he really, really did not want to go. Yet he did not appear worried or nervous at all- he was gloating about how he will be the boss. I have no idea how he will be able to cope or if he is actually any good at what he does. The man I know is unable to make a sound decision and is very indecisive. He makes poor choices and cannot accept any sort of criticism. How does he survive and apparently thrive in a very stressful and high-demand work situation?
        I think I was the reason he was able to cope here- that may be why he “needed” me.
        So I flew back here on Tuesday morning- and I have no way to contact him. He currently has no cell phone, and no phone. When I asked him if he would send his new number when he gets one he just laughed at me. He has a laptop but from past experience I know that he has this odd rule where he will only answer email once a day and only one question. I had a very brief and stunningly informal email yesterday and nothing today. Maybe he is planning to start a new life without me.
        I am not sure if I am welcome to visit again or if he brought me along as a last hurrah. I know in my head that is really, really twisted but my heart cannot stop loving him or accept this. Probably because he says one thing and does another. I went from my above letter- dreading the moving van- to driving to Vancouver with him for his first two days of his new job. I was with him less than 48 hours ago. But why?? Why would he want me there, he MUST care or get some sort of comfort from my presence. I recognize that he brought me for some selfish reason, and NOT because he wanted to make sure that I am okay or to reassure me. It was for his own purpose… This is so hard- it is NOT like dealing with a normal person and it is NOT a normal breakup. I am not entirely sure it IS a breakup. I just don’t know. It is killing me.

    3. I always enjoyed motorcycling which was my specific bonding thing with my SP. My recommendation would be to try and join as many hobby clubs/social groups/even dating sites where you specify you are purely looking for friendship to meet members of the opposite sex a) to test your newfound SP identification skills b) to restore your faith in “normal” men/women. I’m very fresh out of my trauma and joined a motorcycle club. Hooked up with a male “buddy” who is helping me reset my experience…and restore faith in my own nature and ability to attract similar minded people. I hope this works!

  5. I’m pretty sure by definition a true sociopath doesn’t care about anything at all. Including your opinion of them. I think it’s a term like “psychopath” that we tend to throw around pretty loosely, when the more accurate label would be “damaged.” The only time I’ve ever called a man a sociopath was to strike back at him for making me feel cornered and helpless. That’s a spiteful thing to admit, but it’s true. He wasn’t a sociopath – just a selfish little boy wearing a man’s clothes. And I was no better. I hope he’s grown up a little bit – I know I have.

    On Wed, Oct 26, 2016 at 5:10 AM, Dating a Sociopath wrote:

    > positivagirl posted: “I had a question to the site today, asking ‘why does > the Sociopath want to stay friends with me?’ Make friends, make friends, > never never break friends….. Maybe you have broken up with the Sociopath. > Perhaps they left you, or you could take no mor” >

    1. I agree Stacey, a sociopath doesn’t care. They don’t give a damn. They can feign it, but they don’t feel it. I did the whole on/off saga with my ex. When I said no, he was like ‘ok’ and happily went on to find someone else, in fact he even contacted me the afternoon after crying and begging me to come back on plenty of fish, saying happy fishing 🙂 you can’t make it up they are something else. They genuinely don’t care. I think a lot of people get narcissists and sociopaths and psychopaths mixed up. sometimes they have just dated an asshole. It is why I only write about sociopathy on this site. so specific, and they are all the same too. Like robots.

  6. Just just don’t get the ignoring…. nothing has to happen, everything is good then BOOM!!! One day they just stopped communicating!!! I’ll just never understand that!!!

    1. Why, can be a number of reasons Cindy. It depends. It depends on who they are. It also depends how long you were together. How close you were. I found, that the sudden silence, at a later date always popped back up, with a random text or email. Many have said that this didn’t happen to them. How long were you together?

  7. Thank you for your website and emails.

    From reading them, ive found my own experiences with a sociopath, which i thought were so extreme and unique are actually the norm with these people.

    It is amazing to see my own observations or half formed opinions on the matter so clearly articulated by someone on the other side of the world.

    I would never wish these things on anyone, but it is a comfort to know I’m not alone, and for everyone who has experienced it, I wish you recovery and happiness.

  8. My ex attempted to play the friend card. I told her that my friends do not lie, cheat, or steal.
    – Have not heard from the POS since.

    1. I’ve told mine that being his friend would not be fair on the Wife that he told me nothing about. Seems to have shut him up too!!!

  9. Excellent and accurate advice, as usual! Mine did this (and I fell for it twice out of the many times I took her back) and everything else you’ve outlined, as I’ve commented before. I’ve had to rebuild a few times but it’s coming up on a year and I’m finally keeping NO CONTACT. Thank you as always, both to you and commenters sharing their examples.

    A side word of caution: for we who either met ours in or are in a 12 step program: they view these as hunting grounds. PLEASE base your program completely separate and exclusive of them. “13th stepping” (preying on newcomers) is an especially Hell worthy move and it truly gives them both power and control in cruel ways they can manipulate with ease. But you CAN succeed in both life and a working program, if you just remember to do the next right thing. Keep it up, Positiva, and thank you for being as indispensable as my sponsor.

  10. The sociopath i know has some male friends since childhood, but they are more the enabler types or sociopaths themselves (i don’t know for sure).
    When you are the sociopaths girlfriend and will sent them a message asking for something (for example “why is S. acting so strange?” or “what did S do yesterday?”) they will never answer without forwarding the message to the sociopath and asking if they should answer.
    It’s pretty ridiculous.
    They are like a little cult club that won’t tell the truth to noone.

  11. Sadly I have been in a game with my ex husband (who is a sociopath) for almost a year now (we have been divorced for four years) and I’m stupid to allow it to continue. He knows I love him more than anyone on this planet and he uses that as a weapon. He is remarried to someone else and has filed for divorce three times with this person (only to get back together and cancel the divorce). When they are breaking up or “divorcing” he will start talking to me again (sometimes about getting back together) and when they make up and get back together my ex puts me back on ban/block (on everything from social media to his phone number and email). When they are starting to break up again the cycle continues. He is talking to me again and this will be the fourth time in a year. The longest time we have been talking was nine weeks before he got “back together” with his current partner. He uses me as his back up plan. I know this, this is the reason he keeps coming back and as soon as he gets back together with his partner I become of no use to him so back on block/ban I go.

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