Coping with pain after discard

Understanding sociopath discard, and the silence of No closure!


Being in a relationship with a sociopath, can be a whirlwind of emotions. You can be told one thing, yet actions never match the words. There are different types, some are more openly narcissistic and abusive, others, are more charismatic.

The regular pattern of a narcissist is

  • Idealise
  • Devalue
  • Discard

Whilst all sociopaths are narcissists, not all narcissists are sociopaths.

The sociopath, is a compulsive pathological liar. Because of this, you do not always witness the devalue stage to your face. The more charismatic that the sociopath is, the less likely you will be to witness the devalue stage. Remember that the sociopath finds being honest, and telling the truth, more difficult to say, than the lie.

This means that you can see the relationship move swiftly, from idealise – discard, and not witness the devalue stage. The devaluing stage is happening, but not to your face. It will be happening behind your back. The narcissist would openly devalue you, put you down, belittle you and will undermine you. A charismatic sociopath struggles with the truth. For the charismatic sociopath, telling the truth is more painful than telling the lie, or keeping up pretence. Due to this, is common, that you will not witness the relationship coming to an end, as you would in an ordinary relationship. It is often sudden and without warning.

Or additionally, the sociopath might deliberately start a row with you. Blame you for something. Turn something around on you. The thinking behind this is so that you would end the relationship, saving the sociopath the need to do so.

Another way for a sociopath to end the relationship, might be to behave really unreasonably. Refuse to talk to you. Pick a fight, or be overly controlling. This is deliberate behaviour designed to infuriate you, so that you find him intolerable, and end the relationship yourself.

Often, there is no warning at all. The sociopath will disappear from your life, suddenly and without warning.

However the relationship comes to an end, it is often shocking. You are left with your senses reeling, and feeling absolutely confused about what has just happened. Sometimes you can be with the sociopath one day, and he is telling you how much he loves you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The next day, he is gone. Or the next day, for no reason at all there will be a huge argument, and you are left wondering how did that happen, and ultimately, blame yourself.

What is the effect of sociopath discard?

The lack of closure at the end of the relationship with the sociopath can be particularly damaging. It can delay healing, and it can leave you feeling, that the relationship is not quite over. You might feel:

  • Confused
  • Bewildered
  • Lost
  • Desperate for answers
  • A longing and neediness to understand
  • Wanting back the honeymoon stage
  • Unsure if the relationship is actually over or not?
  • Self-blame
  • Manipulated, conned and deceived

More than likely the biggest feeling will be one of confusion.   You might be unsure if the relationship is actually over, because it has happened so suddenly, and there was no build up, no warning, no time to prepare, it can feel shocking.

The one thing that you will feel desperate for is answers. Sadly, the one person that can give you those answers is the person that you were in the relationship with, well this is ordinarily so. this is not the case when you are in the relationship with the sociopath. The last person that you want to go to for answers is the compulsive pathological liar.

I would imagine that many of you who read this, who didn’t know that he was a sociopath, might have got the word ‘sociopath’, simply by researching ‘liar’ or ‘compulsive liar’.

It is normal to want answers. Answers give understanding, and help with closure. Without this, you can feel lost, unsure what is happening.

In a healthy, normal relationship, the following things happen prior to breakup

  • Negative or limited communication
  • Emotional distance
  • Lack of physical warmth
  • Time apart
  • Feeling negative towards your partner, and unable to see positive things about them
  • Thoughts about the relationship coming to an end
  • Feeling unhappy

Normal and healthy relationships can and do come to an end. However, normally, some of the relationship breakup is experienced whilst still in the relationship.

With a sociopath, this is not usually the case. Often with a sociopath, you have suspicions that things are going wrong. But the sociopath will lie, manipulate, and deceive. If you raise questions about your suspicions, you will be told that you are crazy, and that it is not really like that at all.

You might question your mind whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, but the sociopath is good at continuing to deceive you. Not wanting to be hurt, or to have another relationship breakdown, you accept the explanations.

This is why it is particularly difficult and painful, when you experience discard from the sociopath, as you are left feeling confused.

Why does the sociopath discard in this way?

There are many reasons why the sociopath will suddenly discard his partner. Always, the reasons have little to do with you. It has everything to do with him and his needs and wishes.

The sociopath wears a mask. But he will only wear that mask for as long as it is getting him what he wants. The sociopath is not emotionally connected, to you or anybody else. Whilst the sociopath might show connection, this would only be a disguise, to to serve his own needs.

When the sociopath realises that he can have better supply elsewhere, or if he feels that supply with you is coming to an end he will leave you without warning. The sociopath would have sourced a new victim for supply, but this would have been done behind your back and without your knowledge.

To do so, it is likely that the sociopath, needed to play victim, to the new source. Often they would have made complaints about you, to gain sympathy and win support. Again, this will be something that you have absolutely no knowledge of, until later.

The sociopath works hard to ensure that his pathway for escape is clear.

You might think, well, if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, why can’t he give me closure, why can’t he call me? Why can’t he meet with me?

The reason is simple, and it is four things

  • The sociopath is selfish, and only thinks of his own needs
  • He might want to come back for further source of supply at a later date
  • To prevent exposure
  • To stay in control

How do you get over this?

You might wonder how do you get over this? How can you get over this if you have no answers? You might wonder if the sociopath is going to come back, and you might have a longing for the honeymoon period again. You might be left feeling bewildered and confused.

  • Remember NOBODY stays confused forever
  • Remember that the sociopath is a liar, you couldn’t get the truth when you were IN the relationship – you therefore won’t get the truth when it has ended
  • No contact is the way for YOU to regain control
  • Block email, phone, text, social networking sites, and take back control of you, and your life
  • Yes YOU can choose to move on from this!
  • Read as much as you can. Find out as much information as you can. The more you learn, the more you understand, the quicker you will become set free
  • Take back your energy, and start loving YOU
  • Every day do something that makes you happy
  • Stay with the present
  • Think positive (you are what you think)
  • Realise that this is NOT your fault, there is nothing that you have done wrong (no matter what he says)
  • Don’t waste time wondering what he is doing
  • Make contact with others who have been through the same thing
  • Make yourself some new life goals
  • Be gentle on yourself
  • The most important rule of all is to NOT expect closure or answers from the sociopath
  • Remember – the sociopath is the liar, and if he gets back in touch, it is only because he wants to use you for further supply – you deserve better
  • Also remember that this is not just you, there are millions of us who have been through the same thing, which is why we can write and all understand each other

Copyright 2013

379 thoughts on “Coping with pain after discard”

  1. Hello… I came across your site in search for some sort of peace and resolution. My ex boyfriend and I broke up 7 months ago. He is 100% a narcissistic sociopath. We dated 2 years ago and I broke it off with then because I saw things in him that didn’t sit well with me. Aggressive towards others, family issues, selfish, arguments with others, he’s better than everyone, jealousy including jealous of me, underhanded comments to insult me.. I could go on. Our break up 7 months ago was on his part fortunately otherwise I would still be emotionally trapped. He tried to manipulate me into doing something I said no and he ended it with me. I have been verbally and emotionally abused by this guy for months now. One moment im getting cursed at telling me I’m worthless, then emails that he loves me he’s sorry
    , stalking me big time, then telling me to drop dead. Most recently his new tactic is sending me emails ( I have a filter which sends them to trash but I can still see them )- how I’m a narcissist!! I’m crazy I have problems and if I would only allow him to help me I’d be so much better! What!!! He has no boundaries. He hates my family because her views my father as a threat to my love… It’s sick!!!! I have ignored every attempted interaction he has tried to make withe me whether it be in person or email. I have trained myself to emotionally shut him off not to feed into him. But why cant i turn him off in my heart? I know hes crazy. Most recently I discovered he clonned my phone. He was showing up places I would be at and would repeat things verbatim I would say to my friends only on the phone. Since then I’ve changed phones buy its just insane. How does he just not stop! I’m such a strong girl mentally and emotionally or at least I would like to think. I hate that I fell in love with this person. I honestly loved him. I hold him in my mind to this impossible standard no guy can compete with because when I was with him like everyone says it was magical and I fell so in love with him. I try to think of all the evil he has done and said to me but it’s just so hard. I cannot believe he has the attitude that he is not wrong in the slightest. I have the problems?! Its so horrible to hear his despicable words about my family and I when they’re the furthest from the truth. He’s jealous. This lunatic sent me an 8 page email explaining the DSM manual trying to sell me on how he’s gone to therapists seeking help for me. He needs the help!! How does he not see this. He talks to confidently that what he says is true too. Beyond insane. I know I shouldn’t even read them and I hadn’t but decided to just now for some reason. I’m so distraught so emotionally abused I’m afraid I’ll never love like that again. Im also afraid Ill never forget him. I wish I could keep my lesson from him but erase him from my mind. It’s been months and I still don’t feel like I’m over him maybe because he’s never really left me alone. I read and read about this and of course I’m becoming more educated, but it doesn’t heal the pain that’s in my heart.

    1. Hi Anna, nice to meet you. Yes, what you describe is classic sociopathic behaviour. they will always accuse you of exactly what they are guilty of themselves.

      Read this

      Actually looking down the toolbar on the right hand side there are a lot of articles that will help you.

      There is also an exercise to do, to separate your emotions from his behaviour. But there is one extra list to put in there too….. also write down all the bad things that he did to you. Everything, write the lists out. Separate your feelings from his behaviour.

      There is nothing wrong with you. You loved him. It is his behaviour which is wrong. Which will never change.

    2. Wow Anna, you just described what I have been feeling and going through with my ex slash ex-husband. It is so hard to get past it and I so want to. I feel for you and maybe someday we will both stop loving the man that did not love us just used us. So hard to wrap my mind around as I am sure same for you. I wish you well. I take one day at a time. So crazy!

    3. Your story is my story – exactly. And I know you hurt so badly inside. Let me tell you how I’m getting better. Of course, no contact is definitely 1st. Then stay away from the old playmates and playgrounds that remind you of him. Don’t pick the scab. Finally, remember this: there WILL be justice, the truth WILL be revealed and your feelings WILL all go away. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. Just hang on and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    4. Hey sweety I feel your pain,
      My boyfriend and I just broke up officially today. I found out on his iTunes and around the time of my birthday and around the time he gave me my promise ring (we were together for over 2 years) he wwas actively involves in 3 huge dating sites. Of which I saw conversations between him and these girls. I was so sick and in shock and instead of him openly telling me the truth. He lied completely to my face and said his accounts were hacked. I did the research he had to pay to join those sites.. It was such a slap in the face and when I confronted him he was in tears saying that wasn’t me I would never do that to my baby. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Having read this article its the complete truth. He is a sociopath and its just such a kick to the stomach. Thinking this person who you love so much and they told you the same thing could have a “double life” so to speak.
      But we must try to stay strong… I like that saying “its not you, you did nothing wrong”. That seems to help me. But I do agree it doesnt take away the full pain in the heart.

    5. i have been exactly through the same thing.Beginning was so beautiful ,the honeymoon or the idealization period ,and then came devaluation and discard.It left me in a fog,cloud, a tunnel i thought it will never end it has been a month and a half and things are getting better.She came into my life suddenly stayed for three months and disappeared also suddenly as nothing ever happened.

      1. it is me again,
        these emotional vampires they come into your life like tornadoes .They target you ,swoop down on you ,they do as much damage as possible and then without warning they move onto another victim.Behind they leave their victims in chaos and despair not knowing what hit them.These vampires (evil) sub-human,remorseless ,no empathy of course loveless beings they don’t care because the only thing they are after is their endless supply which ends fast with every victim and then they have to find new supply.This is a never ending story. they should be labeled or come with a warning sign .

      2. the one who loves hurts.these loveless beings go trough life without ever experiencing love, they cause lot of chaos and confusion upon the people that truly love.

      3. omg ivo same exact thing happened to me… three months of complete bliss than discard at no moments notice…i wanted closure so bad i begged for it he left me with “l love you its not over I just need to sort things out”t he did this for a month meanwhile i looked into him and found many drug arrests and recently with a girl on Facebook when he told me two weeks ago how he missed me like crazy and he loved me… that stare is key i couldn’t look at him and i told my family and friends about it all the time… leaves us torn and broken,.. my heart aches and now i know he could care less!!

    6. Hi, i wonderd how you were getting on?.. I too am in exactly same emotional mess and trying desperately to keep up NC.
      Its so hard trying not to love somebody and get rid of these feelings from your heart… Even though your heads saying Run!!!… Hes a nut job!!!!!

      1. This is because you are normal. Normal people don’t just stop loving. We don’t switch off our emotions. That is what sociopaths do. So please do not judge yourself based upon their behaviour!!! Normal people require time to heal and grieve. Yes we feel foolish, hurt, betrayed, lied to, and just cheated. But you WILL heal and recover, it will come. I promise you it will come.

  2. I wanted to post some stuff about my mess, and decided to leave it on here today. Like you, Nikki, I think that writing it out is very good therapy. But first, I want to let you know that reading what has happened to you, mine doesn’t compare to your level of abuse. I lost my best friend last year and suspect why I hung on a bit longer to my nut-job for this long after her untimely death (or so I tell myself). I can’t seem to figure out how to make meaningful friendships, esp. in the gay world (as I find many many gay men have so many personality problems, seems to go with the territory). I refuse to do social networking and glad I never did seeing all the issues with privacy and stalking mentioned on this site. I think Facefuckbook is a stupid concept, and never joined it. My unsocialness? Perhaps, but like I said, looks like a hotbed of problems.

    The younger guy I met off Craigslist years ago came to me at a point in my life that I was very bored and lonely. I was flattered that someone 16 years my junior would even want to hang out with me, but then in hindsight, he was in need of a friend, too. Ironically, I did not want to see him after the first couple of dates as he was very rude and I sensed his stuck up attitude and blew him off. But, he sent me a sweet Easter email, so I agreed to another date. It morphed into a bizarre theatre of scandal in no time (again, but nothing like yours!). He even warned me that “if I only knew about his crazy family and life I would run”. Wish I had back then. Here I sit 4 plus years into it still left in limbo between acceptance and some ambiguous phase of “oh well, whatever, he still is in my life and I can deal with that on some level”. But it’s not healthy. I broke up with him for the upteenth time back in April, shortly after I quit my job. At the time I needed someone to be “there” for me and, while he said the things I needed to hear initially, he quickly morphed back into the self-absorbed snot that he was before. So I said, “Enough”! (AGAIN) and went on my way to self-soothe for a couple of weeks after that. Then I relented, and sent him a closure email, blaming myself as much as him for what had happened, but not saying I wanted to go back, just that I didn’t blame him because I knew I was nothing special as he treats everyone this way (which is shitty). Big mistake, and a testament to your NO CONTACT rule, as you just cave again, DUH!

    That’s where I don’t think my psycho is a true sociopath. He doesn’t really do the list of things a true sociopath does from what I have learned from this blog. He falls somewhere off the margins, but still adheres to some key points that makes me think he is a hybrid between a narcissist and a psychopath. Is that possible? He’s not controlling to the degree that I see others, including what you report, and if anything he seems not to try as much these days like he used to. I have gotten him to spend more money on me then I ever did with him since my loss of work these past 3 months as his professional life has grown by leaps and bounds in the time I have known him. He makes me feel like a failure, though by what he says and spends his newfound richness on himself mostly. Which I don’t begrudge, I mean afterall, it is HIS money, but nevertheless I think how petty he is with money. He makes me feel guilty if we go out for a burger and fries, for God’s sake! Who does that to someone they love? Forget getting treated out to a really nice expensive dinner or a movie or anything like I would do him when I was working. It doesn’t happen and I come to resent it because since he is much younger then me, I have nothing to look forward to except endless boring phone calls and an occasional hookup including frozen pizza and cable TV! And the phone calls are daily and repeatedly the same BS complaining he does about everything. I am the one to bring any thing interesting to the table, perhaps because I am an astute reader and environ-
    mentally aware Earth citizen!

    Recently came to my attention that he had planned another Caribbean cruise for himself this Fall (he already had done that for himself the month I lost work) and now he goes again without including me!? I finally told him how this had really upset me, not so much the fact that he had done the arranging behind my back, but that he didn’t tell me at all as it was by accident that I found out while his grandmother was in town visiting. He says, upon hearing my displeasure: “Why would I wait around for your broke, unemployed ass to go with me”? And, “sure, I’d love for you to go with me, but you would need $1500 to come, too”, etc. etc. It was if he had slapped me across the face, for the zillionth time. I told him that it would’ve been nice if he could have said along the lines,”Hey I know you can’t spend any money right now, but would you like to go to the beach for a long weekend and we could hang out before my ship takes off?” I don’t know, something that makes me feel like a significant OTHER! What became of it was he basically said that he didn’t understand why I keep saying we are in a relationship, and that we are friends with benefits basically so I told him I will have to think about this idea that he maintains we were all along. How many “I love yous” were said? Countless. How many sweet emails or texts were exchanged? Tons. Now I am reduced to being his ‘one and only’ screw! Gee, how wonderful! It is nice, in this day and age, with diseases and promiscuity rampant, but how can I be sure the day he wanders off I won’t be devastated? He’s so deceitful (hides computer from my eyes, cell phone, etc), but I rack that up to his rampant paranoia about not trusting anyone, period. He thinks everyone and everything is out to get him because of his middle Eastern name and looks! That’s not so far-fetched in this bigoted world, is it?

    PS-Look, I am just an old school sorta hippie. Peace, love, and rock out to Led Zeppelin. I can do better, and maybe I am holding him up too, in life? We don’t seem to be doing each other any good, other than the physical aspect and the quasi-companionship. Again, on his terms, I want more from a lover. He is satisfied. This, like his pop rap music, SUCKS!

    1. Regardless of what he is, he is not nice nor worthy of your time. You however are a caring generous NORMAL human being. Leave him. No contact. It hurts like hell but it is time to look after you! I speak from experience. Life is too short for this S*. Good luck.

      1. edeldude – My God our stories are exact! He is 20 years younger than I am…I kept trying to chalk this all up to immaturity and my stupidity to ever fall for and expect anything real from someone as young as he is. I wonder the same, if he really is an SP, since he doesn’t fit the mold exactly and many of the things listed, he doesn’t do. I should have walked away when he said hello….Im so sorry I didn’t.

      2. It Is Done & Imsajdak, thanks so kindly for your replies as I just checked on here to see if anyone had replied to this post after so long ago and I forgot to check the “follow-up” box!
        It is Done, you are right, of course. He is not ever going to change and I know this. I bide my time with him because I am lazy, and I fear change (the old Taurus in me?). Like my best friend tried to pound in my head. But I make excuses and I grow weary with each passing week. I have had no luck in finding employment, and I worry constantly. He makes me feel worse by saying stuff like, “Some of us have to work, so I am tired now and need…” Funny, when he was not working and had loads of time, I always did what I could to accomodate. But, alas, he is NOT me, and I thank you for acknowledging that I am a nice, caring person. HE can be nice, and with my mom’s recent illness and birthday, actually surprised me with his generosity. But I still find myself resenting him and hating myself for where I am at in life.
        Imsajdak, no we aren’t alone, and yes I think there are tons of younger gay men that look up to us older gents because we do come with a lot of experience and many kind of give that ‘father syndrome’ hat put on us. At least that is my theory. He has a poor relationship with his dad, like me, but ironically his situation is much better than mine in the sense that he stands by his guns. I relent to my dad, as I feel a duty to stay on good terms with all my family, despite anything wrong they may do or have done, none of us are perfect. I wish sometimes I wasn’t so dependent on needing them to be in my life, but I am. It still makes me feel better to read your story tonight because it helps to know we aren’t alone, and have made the same mistake millions do in the search for love. Ironically, when I was younger, I would never date anyone my age or younger- finding more mature men more appealing than my age group. As I have gotten older that stayed true, but look at me now! Life is so strange. But keep the spirit, and I keep hope that the Universe will show me the way, soon!

      3. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this reply..I have been beating myself up mentally..thinking ‘how could i have dont things otherwise…how could i make him love me and stay true….how can i avoid a massive argument over triviell matters…

        I am TRYING HARD to get out of a very damaging relationship with a narrow minded, immature,nasty selfish liar…..whom loses his anger if i dont comply with every little thing he suddenly decides we have to do.. (example: meet me after work for a drink? ‘Sorry, not tonight, i have work drinks’..”You piece of shit…you rather go out with your collegues than meet up with me?????” Fuck you then”.this is just one example of many….He even taunted with me having been with another woman one weekend, as i “had my period..and did not care about his needs”…
        One night he will tell me he wants children with me…the next morning he will send me a nasty message full of abuse if i have to cancel our plans to be with my daughters (from a previous relationship)..Its ALl my fault….I am weak in his eyes, and this constant abuse and lack of remorse, empathy or ability to see things from my side is devestating to say the least…

        Its such a long complicated story…i dont even know where to start…BUT it’s enough to say I WAS TOTALLY IN LOVE..t….i thought I had met the ONE…A few days into our relationship i found out he was already married, but i decided..there was NO way i could let him go by then…BIG MISTAKE. For months this has been grinding me down…I have dont everything i could to please him…risked…skipped work to be with him…paid for everything (he is broke…works as a Labourer and has no money…previous jailbird too 2 1/2 years for drug selling..), but He himself does not have a care in the world…He thinks he is superior to others, and feels happy just getting by day by day…no worries about the future…or the lack of plans..

        He can punish me for days for not agreeing to his plans or do excactly what he suggests on short notice, he has called me every name under the sun, and NEVER would he even consider appologising even when i am dissolved in tears…”you should have just done what i asked you to do” he would say…”Then we wouldnt have have argued about this”…This relationship has gone one for 8 months..and he is getting nastier by the day.. I know i should not contact him OF COURSE..I know that…BUT i am desperat to get some kind of explanation for this crazy behaviour…
        I could fill in a book with excamples of his toxic behavior and episodes. I had a poisonous text sat morning, and heard nothing since…I left several voice messages crying…texting him….mailed him….he is not replying to me….Any advise? KOSE 72

      4. OMG Christina, i have only just read your post below. Please leave this guy. Get away. and stay away. Reread what you have written below. This is horrible unacceptable behaviour! No one should be treated like that. You would not treat any one like that. No normal person would. Please be strong and get out. You need to love yourself, look after yourself, be compassionate to yourself and LEAVE. No one who loved you would talk or treat you like that. If a friend spoke to you like that you would never speak to them again… why do you take it from him? love? in this case Love is not enough… not even close. Save yourself.
        You are good and strong and kind a caring.

    2. Hi Edaldude, i recognise a lot in the behaviour of your ex comparing to my ex he planned lost year in novermber a trip to the Carrebian behind my back, not even told me about it he wanted to go there.just afterwords also with the excuse i didn,t had the money anyway…
      I think the Carribean must be a place for sociopaths?or is our ex the same man? guess not but its just an coincedence i think.

      I know exactly the feeling to be treatend like that maybe it helps to know
      others have experienced the same …
      I hope you are allready stronger by now

      I wish you lots of strength and i,m shure there are good people out there
      they are not all sociopaths 🙂

      wish you health strength and selflove Greetings ES

      1. Happy October Christina & Es! I’m hoping we all are taking the time to get out and enjoy the fresh air as this time of year evokes a surge of adrenaline.
        Look- I am in one of the darkest points of my life as my mother is on her deathbed. She had been on a steady decline after a stomach complaint earlier this summer, and now has lost the battle to the evilest monster of all. My family and me huddle around her at hospital and the other day I rode home with her in the ambulance to her beautiful home, to see out her last days. If I could get everyone who reads this to send love, strength and peace to my beloved mom Joyce Jill! Trust me, all of you would have loved her in your life and this is why TODAY I adhere to being blessed and literally touched by an angel as her son.

        But after rereading your reply, Christina, I loved this all-to-familiar quote:
        ”you should have just done what i asked you to do” he would say…”Then we wouldnt have have argued about this”…
        Mine is of a similar tone of:
        “don’t start no shite, there won’t be no shite”- LOL, geee isn’t that the same? I actually used his own words against him recently ( YES, I am still with the bastard )! I hung up on him, didn’t call him back, but with my mom’s situation I am weak and I do want him to know about her. But he still starts immature fights with me, or says the totally worst thing one can say in a situation such as mine, and I just explode. He chuckles at his behaviour. But I don’t think it’s funny so much of the time and I think I grow another ulcer in my gut hearing such crap. I have no patience, but his persistence shows me he does have some deep-seated personality issue…

        Es I actually have now been told ( a lie? ), that he ISN’T going on that cruise. I don’t know if I believe him, but yes, I think many stuck ups and definitely ego-tripped out people are in the Caribbean. Just look at how many rich types keep foreign accounts in The Caymen islands alone! He’s not all that, but even to envy people that do that is sickening. You see, we just don’t share some views like that and it drives me nuts. He gets pleasure from causing havoc. I am a porch percher looking at the humming birds. I don’t know where this will go, but I’ll be damned if I’ve shaken it yet!

      2. focus on yourself and the situation with your mom, its the most important thing at this moment.forget him.if he cares about you you would know..right now you need lovingfull people around you who strengthen carefull with yourself sooth yourself give a lot of care to your mum and give it the space and time you need to be with her.i wish you lots of strengt and love ES

  3. What is different about my sociopath is that he will suddenly leave me out of no where as described, but then after weeks or months he wants to work things out. He never moves on to the next victim. While I understand I keep allowing him back I could never understand what was going on, until recently when I came across all this information.

    1. Hi Jazz, welcome to the site. When I write about a source of supply, this can be anyone. From a new friend, anyone who will offer them what they can want. My ex didn’t go onto another female. But he would always have a friend to stay with. To leave and go elsewhere they have to make a plan. This is always done behind your back.

  4. My Ex charismatic Sociopath of 20 months discarded me 2 months ago tomorrow. I was completely blindsided. 2 weeks before the breakup we had just started our second round of IVF,for the past 6 months we had been talking about marriage (although he had not yet proposed). I thought we were in love planning our future. The day after i had the IVF egg pick up he broke it off out of the blue. the only explanation i got was that he no longer adored me. He loved me, but didn’t adore me. All our time together he told me what an amazing mum i would be. the night he broke it off he said that he didn’t think that i would make a good mum and therefore didn’t want to have children with me. There was no lead up to this.

    The next day he was on eHarmony (dating website) looking for my replacement. When i found out, i packed my car with essentials and left. A week later i found an apartment and organised to move my stuff without him knowing. When he found out that i had moved without him knowing he went into a narcissistic rage (because i took back my power). He found where i lived (i have no idea how) and came to my house screaming and threatening my well being, my friends, my family and my job. I did not let him in and called the police. He vandalized and keyed my car. Later he told me it was my fault he did it and that he was not responsible.

    I soon found out numerous lies he told me, such as that he had moved out from his wife (now ex) 8 months before he met me… i found out it was 4 weeks after he met me. He cheated on his wife (ex), which he swore black and blue he did not. I do not have time to write it all here but let me say that once i started reading about the narcissistic sociopath, everything fell into place. It was all true. He has no empathy. He even told me that he didn’t have empathy for other people. He has no friends -literally not a one. Most of his family don’t speak to him. His ex wife tried to kill herself and the 2 kids – but of course it was all her fault and he was the victim. He is completely controlling, selfish, self centered. He has no respect for anyone, least of all his mum. It’s never his fault. He almost got fired for bullying at work. He thinks he is better than others. The little side put downs, the list goes on and on. I ignored all the red flags… there were so many. I went into the relationship with around $50k. i came out with nothing. The first major sign was 1 year before when i fell pregnant and then miscarried. The day i miscarried he drove me to the hospital and dropped me off at the door, not even a kiss and drove off. That night he broke up with me, telling me i was not the person he thought i was. Even though i was miscarrying, somehow i begged him to stay. I would change. (he told me blatantly that he would not). We stayed together but the miscarriage was forgotten, never mentioned again. It became all about him. 3 months later he ditched me because i couldnt get a job and ran out of money – he had been chipping away at my confidence during this time. we split for 5 weeks. Somehow we ended back up together. I moved back in (i paid for move out and in!!!) that was in January. We were starting again.

    After the recent break up, it was amazing to watch this man that i thought he was (after being love bombed for 7 solid months at the start and then for another 5 months once we got back together) become someone completely alien . There was no compassion/care/thought for me and what i was going through because of his actions. There was no “i’m sorry that you have to move out again” (which i paid for again). There was no sorry I will pay for your car. Nothing. I did not recognize the person he now presented.
    I had been replaced like the salt and pepper shakers that i took with me when i moved. I should have known. He is now with his new woman, in our house that we bought. Helping with the garden that we created. None of this matters. I know that he is bad. I know that he is broken. I know that this is not my fault other than I chose the wrong man. I know that I have codependency issues that i can now fix because of my awareness and in fact I am not sorry that I met him because I am now on a path of self healing and self discovery that i know will lead me to a better way of living. I do not believe in god or a greater reason for existence. I believe in evolution – period. But i do know that for me to feel love and connection totally and safely, I need to discover and love my inner child. None of this would be possible without going through what i did with him.

    But i just want all of me to to stop loving him (even though i now know logically that HE doesn’t exist). I just want to close the door. How do i do this? I’m 90-% there but its that last little bit…How do you go from loving someone completely, unconditionally to then suddenly nothing? logically I know the ‘he’ i loved is not real but emotionally i have so much difficulty accepting this. I feel like i had an almost physical connection to him that has been severed and the bits are now flapping around manically in the wind. the love is still going out into the severed bits but it has nowhere to go. It just hurts. I know the real him is a monster. I know this. but i can’t suddenly go from planning my future and dreams with him, of loving him so completely one day, to nothing – worse than nothing.

    After the first few weeks, He has only contacted me regarding the embryo’s that we got, to ensure that legally he had no responsibility to any child born from them. The final email was a week ago today where he insulted me, threatened me then signed off all cute and caring in a 6 line email (with nothing for 4 weeks before that). I am very proud that i have kept my dignity. I have not initiated contact with him at all right from the start, except regarding the embryos once. I have not begged, cried, abused. I have only held my head high and shown him no emotion. I ignored the threatening email and texts. I ignored the cutesy text. (i did respond to texts that involved property and embryo’s) He knows that i am gone and will not respond to him. I responded to his last email saying the embryos were mine and he has nothing more to do with it.There is now no more need for contact and i am sure that he will not contact me again. It is over. SO WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH still? I want him out of my head. Help me get him out of my head… Help me stop loving him. It’s so wrong that i still think of him when i know that he would not give me a second thought. That i have been completely replaced. When will i stop crying every other day? when will he not be in 60% of my thoughts. How can i make that happen sooner?

    Please help.

    1. what i don’t understand as well is why he is so angry at me… He was the one that broke it off. Why is he so mean to me?

      1. He is angry because he likes control. When he breaks it off and you are ok about it he sees this as a loss of control so has a drama to get attention and get back control – sounds bizarre but this is the way that they are. Remember that they like to play the game and win the game. If you are acting like you dont care he loses control and he isn’t winning. They don’t like that too much it makes them angry.

      2. Thanks positive girl. Do u think he will leave me alone now? I believe i have shown him I’m gone and that I’m indifferent to him and he has not really shown any desire to contact me either in the last 6 weeks except about the embryos. I proved I was stronger than him. I think that is part of why he discarded me. After the first break up, I let him control me a lot less and was more forth coming with my feelings and questioning him about my red flags. I also made it clear that my money was mine and I was going to be a lot more careful with it. I.e. he couldn’t get it. When we broke up I also made it clear to him that I would never return. He knows how determined I am so I think he believes that too.
        I want to know because I’m half expecting him to contact me and this keeps the wounds open. Yet I’ve had mostly silence. So am I just being paranoid and keeping it open because I can’t let go? I know each case is different but in your experience is it really done?

      3. YOU can make the decision for it to be over and for it to be done. You should do as he doesn’t treat you in a way that is good for you. That makes you feel good about you, or see yourself in a healthy way. Due to this, you are better off on your own than with someone who makes you feel this way.

    2. It is Done, I feel your wretchedness in pain, and trust me, I have been there too. I know it’s not comforting, but each and everyday you are away from him, and make yourself busy with life, these feelings will die away. It took me like 2 years to get over someone like you describe although in not at all the same, dire circumstances. Love is a funny emotion, it sticks like glue on your shoe, but after many miles journeyed, you find it had worn away. The love that tormented me so many years ago? I barely give a passing thought to him ten years now. It took time. You write so eloquently about this, you are indeed gifted and a strong woman. If I wasn’t gay, I would want a woman like you. Trust that there is a good, loving man out there that you will meet someday! Cry as much as you need to, I sure did, like a big dumb baby! But it releases what it needs to.

      1. Thank u edaldude. I’m still struggling some days but mainly on the up and up. It’s definitely easier now and I’m not trying to rush through the grieving process now. I realise it is what it is. Peace.

    3. holy shit…how do you guys deal with it,when you see the sociopath with another woman? I’ve not had that hell yet. How? Your house? Your garden? Im afraid I would lose it and end up drooling in a corner for the rest of my life….I want mine out of my head so bad,I would get a lobotomy.

      1. Wow, bobbie, a lobotomy? Ha ha ha… a little extreme, you think? Ultimately, these guys do enough crummy stuff that you come to realize they are not worth it (recall how they don’t pay, sponge off you and others, lie, blame, introduce negativity, are promiscuous, lack initiative or goals, and on and on).

        Another woman’s gain, in this unique circumstance, is not exactly our loss. In my case, him being with his ex-wife is the last piece of knowledge I learned… and it was enough for me to know what a pathological liar he really is (and that she was a better fit for him since her own conscience allowed her to continually behave immorally. A “convert”?)

        Worth suicide, a lobotomy? Hardly. All he did was prove how little he’s deserved me all along, and that I was right about him. Try to put them into perspective… not only are they not “all that”, they are not even “all there”!

      2. Yep – I have fantasies about the erasing process in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – just so i can forget him & the hurt. As his teaching assistant, I interacted with his OW’s, on a regular basis unawares. (After looking on his phone just before it all ended, I found countless videos, photos, texts & emails with other women…he was never true to me, despite the tears, declarations of love & chemistry. Who knows how he juggled me, them, the drugs and his 10 y.o. son…and still does to this day, minus me.) He was playing us all off each other(triangulation of sorts?) and referring to us as his “friends” to one another.
        I thought something was off but I would tell myself I was being silly – maintaining that many partners would be impossible, right? – especially for someone with his high morals.
        Certain women would act particularly anxious or flirty with him – like throwing themselves at him – and i couldn’t understand why they did or why he allowed it because we were in a “monogamous”, passionate “long-term relationship”. Turns out he was, or had been, sleeping with all of them & wanted to keep them hanging on – or I guess see what we would do in each others’ company? These women were probably just as clueless as I. He seemed like the total package…
        Explaining this makes me sound like a fool and someone with really low self-esteem. There really is no nice way to look at something ugly, I suppose.
        In retrospect, there were many many instances when he would do supremely sketchy things to try to bait me. I never saw it as such bc I didn’t want to judge & honestly thought we were slowly working things out after the “wreckage of his failed marriage.” I knew he was worth the effort! haha ugh. 😦
        Ex.: When our relationship was exciting, new & full of his love-bombing…we had spent one of many beautiful & intense day-into-nights together. Early the next morning, after we parted ways, he went straight to his ex-wife’s house and slept with her. (i found this out 9 mos. later.) Later that day, he then came & paraded her past me at an outdoor festival i was volunteering for. He brought her(wearing a sexy dress & heels) & his son over to “say hi” to me in my rained-on work outfit. It was very awkward to see him with his ex, playing “family man” & looking happy with her, as he would cry and complain endlessly about her to me. He had declared he wanted a long-term relationship with and would die for me,…etc. When i mentioned it to him the next day, he said he had wanted to see me at the fest and knew i was strong enough to handle it. That wasn’t really a compliment – however, i thought he hated his ex and was simply keeping up appearances for his son – so i took it as one. Him mentioning my strength as reason why he didn’t need to go out of his way for me or come to my aid came up a lot in the course of our relationship. Along with him saying, “you are so nice it breaks my heart.”
        Clearly, he was baiting me to see what I would put up with…what abuse I would take even when it was rubbed in my face. The problem with his plan was, instead of getting upset, I ignored the obvious warning signs & gut feelings and trusted his dazzling words. It took a long time for me to start to feel cuckoo. Oh, but it did happen. Slowly all the pieces are fitting together. Salvaging dignity isn’t easy. Hurts every way you look at it. I try to remember & be satisfied that my actions always came from love. Thank you for this forum and letting me vent/write a lot – i need to get it out sometimes and i don’t know where else to go where people will understand. The search for understanding is a big hurdle.

  5. I was discarded by a socio 3 years ago, he discarded me for a girl he was cybering online. When i exposed it she dumped him (although she had some serious issues herself), he moved straight onto another girl that went to the same college and was desperate for a husband. That broke up, he waited until she drove 3 hours to visit him and then dumped her, she drove straight home although he was nice enough to offer to let her sleep at his apartment. (Sarcasm) He had used her for sex. In this time i had met the most amazing, loving, handsome man who loved me to pieces and i was happy. I had been in constant contact with socio and when he broke up with the gf he stepped it up a notch. I was hooked again. I went back to him, spent a year being isolated, being told i was loved etc My good guy stayed true to me and stayed close when my friends and family gave me up for lost. 12 months on within a week of me giving up my job and moving to be with socio i found out that a waitress had befriended him across a burrito bar, giving him free food and then her phone number. I mean what female in this day and age just hands her number to a random? (issues) 2 hours previously he loved me, she put her phone number in with his food and i was discarded. That easy. I flew into a rage and told him to choose which of course he did, the waitress that he didn’t know from a bar of soap, but i knew he would. My friends and the good guy immediately grabbed me and tried to drag me back to the real world, they are holding on trying to save me from myself but i’m broken. My sister facebooked the waitress and told her what was happening that the socio had a gf and that she was at risk too, the girl deleted her account and lied to socio about it although he had already seen it. She made up some wild story attacking my friends which was proved untrue, but he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. He attacked me prior to this in the most shocking way so cold and obviously designed to cause me incredible pain. When i asked why she got benefit of the doubt when his gf got discarded in 2 minutes, he said it wasn’t the same thing. Damn right it isn’t, he knew this girl over a counter for all of 2 minutes. She stopped returning his texts(yes text communication, how touching, she never wanted to date him) and he sobbed to me about having no one…………please. He told me that if nothing came from his new ‘friend’ then his breaking up with me was for nothing. I was reeling at the crud he was saying and believing. I am gobsmacked, this is incredible logic and yet it still hurts like a b***h. He knifed me in the heart all spelled out carefully, he said sorry but continued to meter out the callous comments. I can’t fathom this type of behaviour from any human, i know it’s screwed up but i still feel the pain. My friends love me, the man that really loves me stands strong and true even after all the shite but i am useless to them until i can shake this toxic mess that i got myself into. The patterns are always the same, he thinks he can get sex from anyone that shows him the slightest attention but doesn’t want me to leave him. Why because i fill in the gaps in alife where he has no friends and even the waitress doesn’t want him, she was playing the same game that he was. WAKE UP ME!!! wake up, wake up. Sigh i never ever let people like this in my life, what the hell have i done and why the hell do i care what he thinks about me and why am i letting him do this to me? I’m smarter than this.

    1. You are smarter than this. You are beginning to see the patterns and that is a start. You say that you have a guy who loves you, but do you love him? Maybe you need to take some time out just for you, and spend time with your friends — at least for a while. I know that they are difficult to get rid of, but it can be done! 🙂 Welcome to the site 🙂

      1. Today I reread his messages. ‘i won’t text you and you don’t text me and I hope I never have to see you again or hear from you again and that would be way to soon’. and then ‘ i fucking hate you right now’. why did I reread that? All I’m feeling is sad. discarded garbage. fuck fuck (sorry I swear so much Im Canadian LMAO). fuck I’m so upset. my tummy has been tight all week. Not hysterical upset like I always got before…this is different. This is like I’m really done and I actively dislike him…but what is the pain in my gut?? And what is the sad??

      2. The pain is all of the negative in your body. You are hurt as you have been mistreated. The texts that you have said you have received – I received identical words so many times over. They chop and change and say whatever they can to hurt you – often because of their own hurt pride. Each time you cry it releases it. Try writing everything down too keep a journal this will help you to see your recovery.

  6. since being for 2 months ignored after a sudden unexpected break up for the 5th time in 2 years with everytime a pattern of 3 months from wanting me back to breaking up without a fair reason …he starts to respond on my emails with wanting to know the truth why etc,…

    in the first place i know its impossible to get to hear the truth from him..but i needed some way to reliefe my anger and questions why i kept sending my emails to him..cause i was in so much pain..he promissed me we woud think about us how to have a relation and what would be good for us since the struggles where cause of the distance living in 2 country,s ..i was going for a holiday with my daugter to see him and than talk about further steps in the relation..

    than for a sudden i didn,t hear from him anymor he cut me off again and couldn,t reach him..this time i didn,t wanted to wait in pain and doubt so i went there to confront him. he was shocked and it all ended up in a physical fight for the first time in my life..he said right in my face he didn,t care hurting me …

    it s a long story but anyway
    now his respons is

    that he starts to see that i make people not liking me and that there are manypeople not
    liking me.
    And cause he started to see that i am a person like that he doesn,t like me eighter…
    he writes he doesn,t know anything nice to say so he decided to say nothing..

    i wrote him i am quite used to it right now that he tells me things that are not nice and that i wish to know the truth why he just dumped me just for a sudden ..cause i tought finally
    things where going in the right direction with us going better..

    What is the best to do know?
    Just not responding anymore? cause it might be a way for him to crawl back ??
    i was thinking about the 3 month pattern that if its true he is the sociopath wich is very obvious with what i have been reading on this beautifull website that safed me
    it means he will try to come back in october

    What is the best to do?
    i told him i have many people liking me and that i only want people in my life who respect me for who i am.


    1. Hi Es, As hard as it is, you need to let it go. I have been 3 months no contact and it does get easier. I still miss the life i thought we had. I miss the love that i had for him and the promise of a beautiful future that he painted for me. But it was/is a lie. He will never be there for you. It will be 3 months everytime if that is his pattern (mine was 6 months pattern). Put him behind you. Find someone who gives to you as much as you do to them. That is real love. What he is offering is pain disguised as love. Hold your head high and walk away. be as strong as you can. You will never get the truth from him. Never. And it sucks and acceptance is hard (i am still struggling) but i know that my future is better without all that horrible drama.

      1. Thanks so much for your words it helps me a lot.It is sad that we have been dealing with these people..very painfull but it is beautifull we can help eachother.Everyday i wake up in half sleep half awake still with toughts about him.i,m scared for the 3 months deadline what will happen..I will be strong and not responce if he will try have contact again after 3 months..I,m a person who allways wants to understand but this time i will do my best not wanting to know anymore.The truth is he is a lyer..The good thing about this is that i meet beautifull people and i see my true friends..I became stronger iand wiser and hopefully i can help others once whith this.The last thing he wrote to me in a reply of my questions is that he is blaming me for the break up of being such a horrible person..It is so mean and unbelievable that not 2 months ago he was with me..I never knew of such a horrible disorder these people are really damaged wow..
        Again thanks so much and i will keep my head up high stay strong everyone lots of love ES

      2. i wish you strength with the proces you,re in and thanks for your reply together we are strong lots of blessings

  7. It’s really tough but the way i look at it is that it will just hurt more to have contact with him. It wont achieve anything. nothing will change. He will not listen. And i will never understand because i could never do to a person – particularly someone i once professed to love -what he has to me therefore there is a major disconnection that can never be connected.

    I have recently passed a new point of recovery. The last week I have almost felt normal again. thinking about him probably only 30% of the time where as before it was probably around 80%. I wake up and he is not the first thing i think of… still the second but not the first. It does get easier and i am just really glad that he is not contacting me so that i can heal. I can not imagine what it is like for those that ahve their ex’s continually making drama. Es, be strong. This is not love. This is not even like. someone who loves/likes you treats you with respect. there is no respect there. none. Be good to yourself.

  8. Hi It is done, Thanks for sharing your experience with me , it makes me aware of that i am not crazy reacting on him but its a normal human emotional reaction when being hurt by a sociopath.the toughts when waking up, the thinking during the day , not feeling normal , am happy you show that its possible to recover slowly.yes i find out myself that its better not to have contact ,other than being hurt a lot as a result of it..i contacted him with questions to please explain me what happened, with the hope of a sign he is not the sociopath..but as a reply i got an email that he is happily on his own and not wanting a relation with anybody.that it was because of “us” ..and didn,t had anyboday after me….than 2 days later a reply with the title “the truth” why he blocked me was that he started seeing another woman..
    It made me so confused not knowing anymore what is true
    and wondering why he is doing this?liking it to confuse me?does he made these storys up
    to break me?or suddenly telling the truth?to hurt me?
    he is just soo f..up..

    i reacted extremely hartbroken called him 20 times to make him feeling nervous sent texts with the question why the lies ..etc….than realising i,m not myself anymore and he is poisoning me with anger pain and sadness and awakening the evil in me….seeing a dark site of myself that i never knew excisting..cause of the wishes hoping he would once feel the pain he has given me and to wish justice in evil ways happening in his life…
    But i know its not good to think this way.
    I feel it is so not fair,not justified that he is happily going on in his life like i never existed nothing happened and acting like he is the winner..

    What i don,t understand is that he had a 12 year relationship with the mother of his child.
    How is that possible for a sociopath?i know she is truely angry to him and he told me she is abusive to him but now i understand her anger.
    i don,t know how that relation was like i think more people have been for a long time with a sociopath .
    he might have been cheating on her too.

    The lesson really is : don,t contact! i know now and need to accept that he is a sick person with a serious is truely sad!i feel sad for everyone having to deal with persons like this.i am trying not to see myself as a victim and to see what good i can get out of this experience..i don,t see it yet.maybe to help others with healing from sociopaths..i know the pain now…i try to be good to myself..its still hard cause i feel angry to myself to let this happen to me and why i didn,t recognise his evilness.he tells me i am crazy and i am abusive to one of my friends understand me..and my friends are tired of seeing me still being emotional chained to him…they support me but i see they don,t understand it and they all say i need to be over it by now knowing he is not worth it.
    but its not so easy as that and i wonder how long it takes till i,m healed from this.
    tomorrow i have a date ..i try to move on with my life even though i still feel a lot of pain..

    It is done now..I agree it is true the disconnection will allways be there its an illusion to reach the sociopath, he is unable to connect truely..and i feel sorry for his new “lover”i wonder if that will stand longer than 3 months..

    I hope once i can meet a real love connection when i am healed from this abuse..:(
    and i hope my evil thinkings of what i would love to do to him will be gone cause i,m scared of my own ideas but it must be the pain and the wish for justice that creates these wishes.
    I believe karma will give him back what he does to people…I feel sorry for his children
    I try to give it to god..since i am a hurt
    I wish a lot of strength to you too and thanks for your sharings and enpowering words.

      1. POS,Im spending my evening reading every post I can of your’s….in regards to this particular post…Why does the SOCIOPATH,pick a fight with you,me,us… that we break it off with them? This latest crock of shit with the beast…it crossed my mind,that he talked so nasty to me…so I would end it. And I did. But he was always the one to leave me throughout the 4 years relationSHIT. What is the reason for them getting us to end it with them? My SOC never had a problem walking out on me…..but this time…I ended it. Your thoughts?

      2. They do this as it’s a get out of responsibility free card. If they pick a fight they then have legitimate reason to leave. Realistically they had already planned to do so. So they find a way of blaming you. Leaving you feeling stunned.

  9. you are right about how i came across your blog .. i actually did google “compulsive liar” and found you. And im so grateful. I am totally struggling with getting to grips with all this horrible person has done to me. i lost my job, my money my friends and im just now trying to get them back. Its really difficult right now ….

    1. Hey Cammy, welcome to the site. We all know how you are feeling. The sense of multiple losses and how difficult this can be to cope with. You are not alone we all understand.

      1. I decided that i would rearrange my apartment in an effort to get him out of my home so i dont remember him too much when i look around (i dont even know if it helps). but i did it over the weekend. Every room in the house was changed over. But then i did the stupidest thing … i needed an extension cord and i texted this evil man who has trampled on my heart and feelings to ask if he had any because he does electronics so he usually have those things …. and he didnt reply .. at all. i just feel so dumb. He acts as if i was the was the one who did him wrong. Oh my goodness. Im back to square one. I cant take this anymore. I swear i cant.

  10. Dear Cammy,
    I completely sympathize with your comment.
    Struggling to recover from an intense roller coaster of a Jeckyll & Hyde relationship with a man who was my love and teacher (and destroyer), I’m trying to create a workspace and business of my own. Nevertheless, everything still reminds me of him, thus pushing me into this rut of depression and confusion. Your tip to reorganize & redecorate is a really good one! I find myself unconsciously arranging my workshop to resemble how he maintained his…bad idea.
    Recently, I have run into some issues setting up and had MANY moments when i realize he might be the only one in town who has the tools or answers to help me solve some really daunting problems. I start to feel stupid and foolish, thinking that as a woman without enough experience I should never have tried to do this work on my own. (these never were my beliefs or true thoughts – i don’t know where they come from. it’s total B.S.)
    I know that getting the help from him would solve things immediately. I don’t know if he would even respond(which, as with your experience, would totally hurt and make me crazy), but what keeps me from breaking No Contact is that i know i’d be sucked into his destructive whirlwind, yet AGAIN, if i did.
    Clearly, I need to silence his voice of negativity and superiority that still runs around in my head. I’ve always been an independent, strong, and trusting woman. The abuse i experienced in this nightmare relationship robbed me of those qualities. I find that I am slowly gaining bits back when i just keep on and ultimately solve problems for myself. Problems i would have deferred to his judgement in the past. My solutions might not be the “right” ones or the best ways, but they are mine and I am making things my own again. And somehow these baby steps (because it IS hard and scary), even if they don’t always work, are taking me farther away from his grasp and closer to the woman i know/hope I can be again.
    We cannot change them. We can only work on us. It sure doesn’t seem fair and it hurts like bloody hell, but really try to hang in there. No Contact is really the only way out of this misery. You have support here!

    1. ooh mignightmaypop,
      thanks so much! its hard, but we can do it. i think we just have to give ourselves the time. it hurts so much so we want the pain to go NOW NOW NOW but i guess it wont happen that way.
      But you know what? We’re strong woman. We were strong before and we will be back to our old selves again. Im so grateful for you.

      1. Ah but what you CAN do….. is focus on NOW…. as you have the power and control over RIGHT NOW….and therefore you can do something that will make you smile just for right now. As realistically – this is all you have – RIGHT NOW is your life. It is all you have!! 🙂

        I know…. sometimes it hurt so bad that I wanted to put my heart in a cupboard and take it back another day when I felt better.

  11. jusagurl….mine didn’t sponge off me…that was the confusing part. He would pay the bills,before I even had a chance to pay my half,tell me,”its okay babe,I got it” than throw it in my face. And yes…a lobotomy. I feel,I could not handle seeing him with another girl. No way. No chance….cammy,I think about that movie daily. How did you keep your cool through that? good for you!

  12. I meant midnitemayhop when I said I think about that movie daily. and also,and again…god for you for keeping your cool when he peacocked his x in front of you! and cammy,good for you as well!

    1. Dear Bobbie Jeane – (here comes another long reply) i kept focusing on (what i thought my x & I were both striving for) trying to be my best self & letting go of jealousy. Freeing up as much as I could – I thought how can we ever enjoy a solid, loving, calm life if I am the one pulling us back with fear and not believing him. He had a lot of I wanted, qualities no one I had been with yet did, so I was trying to keep myself in check. Meeting him had felt like a revelation and an exciting sigh of relief.
      I thought I’d be strong & supportive for him now (bc he was a “wreck” from how his ex had “abused” him – he would cry & say, “I have so much love to give” & he would say about me: “she is going to save me”) and would do the same for me when i needed it! whoops!
      He totally disappeared when i needed him most – after a major operation – and slept with 2 other women because he “lost his mind” while we were apart…and i took him back! If another friend had told me this story, i would have told her to lose this jerk!!
      I seriously truly thought that he was for real. The typical description – hot, smart, kind, funny, talented…my soulmate – it sounds so cliché. The truth was so horrifying I couldn’t even imagine such a thing existed outside of the movies. And after I discovered the truth, I got stuck in a hall of mirrors of thinking I must be bonkers or maybe he needed me to give even more to help him.
      Now I know.
      That’s why I agree w/you about removing it from your head. I wish I didn’t know & I could’ve learned what I don’t want in a relationship without the hellish experience of the past 2 years.
      The horror is all mixed up with the loving moments, personal growth & my relationship w/others we met together – others who either don’t believe me, ended up sleeping w/ him, or just drifted away from disgust with him. Lotsa carnage. I know I did do a lot of work on myself during this time period – made myself vulnerable, worked to articulate my feelings and just be as honest and kind as i could. He was probably loving it. I just kept wondering why he wasn’t doing the same for me – even though he said he was honest & wanted what I wanted…actions are so much louder than words.
      I like the thought that this experience makes us stronger, but I’ve a hard time telling people who have been tortured that it will soon be something they grow from…seems a terrible lot of steps backward in order to go forward.
      Sometimes i think the strength we gain is learning how to be present, see the truth and trust ourselves! I thought I already did…
      We have to change how we view the entire situation in order to heal/find a new way of processing who we are in the world. At least for me, my former self is gone gone gone. I now am looking for clues as to what ground is solid enough to step onto. We have to move forward. We actually don’t have a choice – life is about new desires and possibilities. Gotta shed that old skin/mentality to see them. We all know, the present is the only thing that is real. It’s a big circular struggle to comprehend, for me at least. We get to make the decisions, not our exes/tormentors. We get to choose our paths, damnit! Good luck to all of us! (Hope no one gets annoyed at me taking up too much space. It sure helps to write it out!) Thanks for your comments.
      PS – I came across this TED Talks video the other week – it’s really good if you haven’t seen it yet, i think:

      1. midnight…I lost my job as a nurse at the same job of 11 years in July. I hve Multiple Sclerosis,was working 30 hours a week,and even nursing jobs are trying to get rid of people that work 30 hours per week to avoid the healthcare shit. They couldn’t fire me,cuz they would have a big law suit on their hands,they offered me prn,which is”,we will call ya when we need ya and ya get no benefits”(again,huge lawsuit under the americans with disability’s act if I wanted,but I do not have the energy for that,nor am I that type of person) sidebar: they had been trying for over a year to get rid of me,and legally,I proved them wrong and fought for job and kept it. Im ranting…okay,july 11th,they offered prn,I said no,you cant do that…than they said I had to go out on short term disability. So,I lost my job….im unemployable d/t the fact another job does not want to hire a girl with MS,and…….on Thanksgiving,he told me “your situation was bringing him down” I kinda thought “self,your a pretty tough chick to keep fighting for this job,while dealing with ms,self….hats off to you for not giving up” He gave me zero credit,saw my fight,saw when I WON they fight last time I said to him” I don’t know what to do,I want to work,I cant stand this,Im stuck in this system and every job I’ve applied for,finds out I was on short term disability and they don’t want me” his reply…”I’d get a gun if I were you and just blow your brains out” LMFAO. I have to laff now cuz its so sick its funny. So here I am,on long term disability now… not an invalid…I do pilates and ballet daily…found a job,making multiple phone calls to attny’s and the ms society on how to go about this job not finding out I was on Long term disability,how NOT to disclose the MS,I went through my 401k,I cannot keep up with 40 hours a week,Im terrified Im gonna let a new employer down….but….my situation,was getting HIM down?!?!?!?! hahahaha. As if,I was loving the situation. I had to dodge landlord for days until that stupid ltd check came,which is squat…though I am grateful for it…After I pay rent,cobra,Ive got squat….he even took most of the silverware and pillows…hahahha! and he moved in with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant stop laffing about all this…the job loss,the spath discard,the hell after the discard,the job search,the ms,finances…..never…ever in a million years,did I imagine I’d be in this nightmare.

      2. Hey midnight, I’m sitting here going over old posts as I need some validation and i just read ur post here. I was nodding my head to a lot of what u said. What’s funny is that I got to the end and saw your link by Brene brown. I posted this 5 days later on a more recent post without knowing you had posted it here! Great minds!!! But wow, i loved this video and I learnt so much from this.

      3. I just watched this. I absolutely love this woman and want her to come live me for a year! I understand what she is saying about vulneralbility,however,in talking about sociopaths,don’t they prey on our vulnerability? I have always been told that I am so literal. Which I equate to….I let if all out there. I have also,always fallen for men,that were imperfect,because I loathe perfect…and,I also never felt worthy of having a child. My x spath,of 1 full month of no contact,..btw..,was the first person,I agreed to be engaged to,d/t the fact,I never felt worthy of even that…but,He caught me at a vulnerable time. Did I just mindfuck that or what? Another thing she spoke of, she didn’t say it in these exact words, but I took it as…Just be honest. Which is good topic for me today…I have to drop off a job app for a nursing job…Most people,that have multiple sclerosis,know that it’s a no no, to tell a new job prospect,about your MS. You can check this topic out at or just google nurses with ms. My therapist is adamant that I not tell this new job…I hate not being able to tell them. Also,this is another homehealth care job. Homehealth is very tiring. Driving from patient to patient…I got pulled over..2 times in 2 weeks,for driving to slow. I was acutally made to take a breathalyzer..of course hadn’t had anything to drink…so maybe I am not being honest with myself in that….”perhaps I am unable to do homecare anylonger” Again,I am mindfucking this..I cant help it. I absolutely adore sociology. Is she saying vulnerability=humble? Thoughts on this my dear friend?

      4. Midnight…Thisfuckhead,bailed on you,when you had 2 surgery’s,and slept with 2 women?!?!?! ugh! not cool. And I know what you mean about trying to figure out what ground to step on that is solid. I have such low self-worth right now…I really lost my self-worth after my job loss,than the spath left me thanksgiving day and that really was the cherry on the icing of the cake. My self worth and self confidence is so low…I do not know where any solid ground is! Do you ever run into this fuckhead?

      5. Hi bobbie,
        Yes she talks about accepting your vulnerabilities, but she says this by recognising and accepting them and through this knowing you are worthy. If you accept ur vulnerabilities and yourself as worthy then someone can not abuse them. You must learn to love and trust yourself above all others. Recognise your vulnerabilities empowers you and through self awareness they can not be taken advantage of so easily. By trusting and loving yourself, if something (or someone) doesn’t feel right, you will listen to yourself and remove them before they can hurt you. And you won’t allow them to belittle your vulnerabilities. That us where this comes from.
        With regards to your job, I don’t know the laws in America nor the consequence if you get found out. For me personally though, if you can’t get a job and therefore can’t keep a roof over your head because of the ms, then I would lie to get the job. While I had the job, I would start looking at other ways to get an income in for when I could no longer hold the job or they found out. As bad as lying is, you need to survive.
        That’s my thoughts

  13. Your comments really resonated with me today. They also (and I sincerely don’t mean this in a negative way) made me feel physically sick. What that generally means is there is a lot of truth in there.

  14. Dear jusa– I’m so sorry…and I know what you mean. Well, at least, I feel ill as the clarity I gain ends up as painful as the confusion. I have really been helped by reading your comments in this blog. Even though many experiences on this site are similar in nature, the way they are articulated can shed knew light/wake up calls.
    I feel like I need to keep checking in to help me remember this was a f’ed up situation & not treatment I deserved bc I am suddenly unloveable. (What smarts so bad is that I can usually smell a rat a mile away – and I usually call people on bs – it’s really intense to have someone sneak in and poison you from the inside.)
    Something I have been wanting to ask others – maybe you would respond? – is when you have made mental/spiritual progress & feel a lot better/are moving on, is it common to suddenly & repeatedly slip back to depression/confusion without warning? (And this confusion is no ordinary type as it challenges my beliefs that all people can be loved and have good in them – I really struggle with letting go& believing even deep down he has no empathy, nor character, nor respect for others or himself (or his child!!), but maybe this concept is geting too far ahead of myself when i just need to focus on me.) This regression has happened to me quite a bit, bc I am still discovering new lies/seeing things crumble that I thought were stable. I suspect my issues are slight paranoia that I am seeing these qualities in other people and then i wonder if I’ve surrounded myself with spaths OR maybe none of them are and it’s me who is crazy – I know, I know – but both options seem really intense and bizarre and frankly, scary.
    Does anyone have any tricks to avoid this backtracking or is it just part of recovery?

    1. Yesterday I was in a lot of pain. I can honestly say that I realised that yes i can read it. Yes it is a repeat of the behaviour. But it didn’t take away my pain. I felt so lost in the pain, that I couldn’t think straight, or rationally. All I was focused on was lost. I read this post, and it helped a little. but it was what I already knew…. it didn’t remove the pain. I felt really confused. I think when we are hurt and upset, it can cloud how we are thinking. I realised, that I was far better at giving advice, than I was at taking it.

      1. Positivagirl. I’ve a question I have been meaning to ask. Why is it,so many women,end up losing their jobs,while with a spath? I worked after the sudden death of a mother,the diagnoses of Multiple Sclerosis,the symptoms of MS,The whirlwind of his antics….he is a very hard worker,btw. But why is it,the one’s that are NOT the spaths,lose their jobs? My friend thinks it’s because,if you have a stressful job( I am a nurse,worked at same job 11 years,lost it in july,he left this past thanksgiving)or even it its not a stressfull job…when you have stress at work and come home to stress,you aren’t performing at your job to your fullest potential. Anyone? This is a topic Id love to discuss further.

      2. I think it is quite a few reasons Bobbie

        1. They take all of your time
        2. They can cause massive stress and anxiety and this can affect your ability to work (late night rows, not allowing you to sleep, texting you or calling you 100 times a day, allegations about things that are going on at work, threats to report you to your boss or employers, lying about having an amazing job and that they will financially support you)

        Lots of reasons really. As the sociopath sucks the life out of you, you are left with little energy for YOU and YOUR life, your work quite often WILL suffer.

        Of course, the longer that it goes on for, the worse that it gets. If your job is particularly stressful and challenging, it can be difficult to balance the two. You can be left feeling drained, exhausted.

        Living in fear – is not a good place to be, if you are working. Especially if you have a job of position. Also they undermine you, damaging your self esteem. So when you are in the workplace, you start to doubt yourself. They play with your mind, and can make you feel both mentally and physically sick. You might end up having a lot of time off work to cope, or to baby the socio….

    2. @M-MPop
      My journey through with the soc, I handled things differently, not going no contact until the very end. As I’ve only been doing that for a week, I’m not sure if my experience is typical.

      Most of the feelings you describe, I was working through while technically still with/in contact with him. I just wasn’t ready to admit his culpability fully yet. The benefit of going the way commonly suggested (meaning, full-on no contact as soon as you sense something wrong), is that you escape unforeseen danger and risk/ruin. That is no small thing.

      In my opinion, the trade off is the lack of closure. By the time I got to no contact with him, I was really done. And, for whatever reason, the information I’m gathering through this site now is incredibly timely and helping me right where I am at.

      An example of that is, I read recently here (not sure whether a post or comment so, please forgive the lack of attribution to the author) about not sending the soc energy after going no contact. I was already praying for a shutdown if he was sending in cords, but the mention of energy made me understand that thoughts (positive or negative) are energy. Sometimes, if I was thinking of him, I was countering that thought with a negative, shut down thought—just to put a stop to any positive feelings towards him. But now, with this new perspective in mind, I’m just trying to shut the door on thoughts of the soc altogether. Initially, this took tremendous discipline but became easier. As it’s become easier, I feel I am suffering in other ways.

      Those who have read my comments here for awhile know that, every time I’ve separated from this guy, something happens to me physically—headaches, kidney stones… well, right now, I am sick with the flu. I’m also having a hard time with work.

      I feel like (forgive me if you disagree with the terminology) this is a devil’s attack. If he can’t get to my mind, he gets to my person. If he can’t get to my person, he gets to my environment, and so on.

      I don’t think there is any underestimating the importance of protecting our thoughts and energy in this particular scenario. I think it is an open entryway the soc’s establish with us that we don’t even realize remains open… until we get very serious about putting a stop to it. Some people get to see the real ugly side of the soc then, the retaliation of ruining. I think others of us suffer differently. If you’re backtracking, you might try to strengthen your mind resolve and really concentrate on throwing up that protective barrier between yourself and the soc. But, regardless, I think it is definitely a process. Just my .02.

      1. I completely 100 million percent get what you mean when you say “the devils attack” OMG you have no clue how much I get what you mean. I had instances,where,after he moved out….the lights would go out…wouldn’t be out in anyone else’s apartment in the building or on the street,just mine….odd things….the day after he moved out last week…the heat broke! I so get what you mean….boy do I get it.

    3. Midnight, I’m the same. Ill be going along great and barely thinking about him (6&1/2) months since discard, and then suddenly I’m back 4 months in recovery. I get so upset at myself. But I think this is normal. Normally there is some trigger that has set me off. At the moment I’m sinking lower and lower. I’m in Tasmania with my family for Christmas. I have family of origin wounds that I’m working through with my counsellor, but obviously am not recovered enough to deal with it as I find myself unable to stop thinking about the ex. He used my family wounds to suck me in. Mirroring me as he too had them and then offering me the perfect family with us to compensate for them. I hurt and am sad right now. I feel like I’m not good enough because of my family. I feel like they are not here for me and my pain, which they are not. And then I miss him and then I feel unworthy because he didn’t want me either.
      What do I do when I back track? I either distract myself by doing things or I get on here and re validate. And even though I hate that I’m still thinking of him after all this time and yet he has probably forgotten that I exist, but I have to accept that this is where I am and remember all the bad stuff and reemphasise that he will do the same again to the next one. He can not do otherwise as he hasn’t learnt a thing.

    4. I am the same way!!!! I feel like everyone is out to get me now! I am paranoid. I still question if I am crazy,or he was crazy,or were we both crazy! I hate it! Today,Is not a good day. I am doing exactly what you speak of. I feel hopeless,pathetic,mainly hopeless. I am alone 24/7.IT IS DONE. I lied on my job app today. In the states,they do level 2 acha background checks on nurses. I spoke with my long term disability attny today. No way are they going to hire me due to said background check. I am throwing out furniture and things my mom saved from when I was a little girl. I am even throwing out pictures of friends from before the spath?!?!?! I got rid of my great grandmothers hope chest. drug it down to the street for the garbage. I feel,if I still had a job, and were not stuck “in the system” I would be no bad off with the discard. But what the fuck! I lost my job. My job I was at for over a decade?!?!?! It was my routine? Than months later,he leaves???? This is like a nightmare. I have no financially supportive parents to keep a roof over my head…I am so mad. How did I lose a job,get caught up in the bullshit system,and my fiancé…all within 5 fucking months???!?!?! I am so mad. The more I type,the more pissed I get. Maybe I deserved it? Bad Karma? I don’t get it?!?!

  15. Well put. I agree. Someone once told me you have to absolutely replace the negative with positive – instead of saying – this is a simplistic example – “I hope it doesn’t rain”, think “today is going to be sunny” – metaphorically or literally. Because even if you are saying you dont want something, by declaring you dont want it, you are still keeping its energy and your feelings towards it alive. The same might be applicable here? Makes sense. Thanks for your reply. Love & light to you!

  16. And here is the catch!!!! If you get a job,you lose long term disability. And say I,with MS,realise,oh shit,I cant do this job,its really effecting this stupid MS,and I get fired…You don’t get that long term disability back! Than you are really in trouble. I have so many obstacles,at the age of 45,that I cannot battle…its the system,nooone can win with the system..I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. This is hell. I feel like I am in hell. Job wise and being shit on. How much can a person take? I believe in god,but I do not believe that statement that he never gives us more than we can handle. I have never believed that. My cousin was murdered in 2008,just had the the trial in October,it was a mistrial. My aunt and uncle have to go through that again?!? God is not that cruel. People are that cruel. The system is that cruel. Not god.

    1. @Bobbiejeane
      I relate to what you are saying and how angry you are feeling. I have been to that place, and actually stayed there for quite some time. It’s harder for you to have perspective about your own situation though, and I see you fighting through, Bobbie. If you didn’t have this burning rage at the sheer injustice of your situation, then you might not have the strength to battle as hard as you are and feel $hit on… instead of beaten.

      Man is incredibly self-centered at times, it is true. Your situation is compromised and can feel “fixed” for failure. But this is also true, and I say this in love, you have to trust God and do and think the right things, or you will attract negative consequences, without option. IF you trust and believe and do the right things, and hardship still comes to you, I believe you have something to learn through it. It may not be the lesson you necessarily want.

      I really believe, once you come through all of this, you will trust yourself implicitly, with or without MS, whereas you might not have known what you could really do before. I believe this is your test. I soooooo relate to your anger right now, you don’t even know, but it’s easier for me to see your situation than my own, that I’m too close to.

      You are obviously a very strong person. I just hate to see you struggling so hard when I can see you can figure out a way to triumph. How did you let all this happen in 5 short months? I don’t know, but matters little now, right now. Give yourself a break.

      Did you “deserve” it? Hmm… I don’t know your situation so intimately. In general, I think we all do things at different times that aren’t the right thing. Sometimes, we are willful, sometimes, we’re simply worn out and angry that we’re under such prolonged pressure. Sometimes, we are angry at God allowing that to continue for sooooo incredibly long. But, no, you didn’t “deserve” it; you aren’t a “bad” person; and if you did do any “wrong things” by your own standards, they wouldn’t be irrevocable.

      With both, prolonged stress and abuse, it is easy to question what we did wrong. God simply doesn’t work that way. So, you can trust, fully, that you are in fact up to this. You may have some hard lessons (I know I have, and continue to have them), setbacks, and even repeat lessons, but you really aren’t alone—none of us are.

      1. When I was diagnosed with MS in 09,i felt that was a test. I could no longer do distance running,I spent a summer crying over it,got myself up,learned “the dance” of MS,and accepted it. Than,I lost my mom 2 months later…that’s after the diagnoses of MS. That was a test. Than,diagnosed with stupid stage zero breast cancer,which required biopsy after biopsy,than a lumpectomy. Than the oncologist. Than

  17. I so wish,I thought like y0u did. I dislike my misery so bad right now. I feel so hopeless? Never felt this before. I feel like I’ve had so many lesson’s,that im out of resilience. maybe its age? maybe its the job loss than the discard shortly after? I don’t know. I just don’t know. I felt more hopeful,after my mother died? And that was the biggest fear of my life. I am so sorry I am so negative. I cant help it. I am alone…all the time! constantly! except when I go to a pilates class. and I am so grateful for that 45 minutes,but…all the time! POS,just like my aunt and uncle who lost their only child to murder,I do not you have done it,and hats off to you! I feel like a moron for even complaining. As that is the hardest thing in the world to go threw. Ive seen my aunt and uncle age,lost their spirit…How are you so strong? I am not angry at God. He has nothing to do with this shitty world. People do. And that scares me. I am so sorry I am whining. I cant stand my own self right now. I don’t want to live the rest of my life,this miserable. I am 45. Who knows how long we have left. And I tell myself,misery is a choice…but my emotions do not follow. I am sorry. I am so pathetic right now.

  18. An what is even more disgusting,is that sick son of a bitch,felt like the only family I had. How do I do this? And he lives so close? I cannot see him with another girl? no more lessons for now,please,I beg!

  19. @Bobbiejeane
    I’m sorry, Bobbie, I know how it feels to be past your limit… yet stuff still keeps happening. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel angry or negative, and there’s nothing to apologize for. I don’t think your feelings are pathetic at all; I only wanted you to know I see strength in your actual actions, despite your words, and I just wanted to encourage that aspect.

    Praying you find yourself on the other side of this and more at peace soon… but don’t ever think that means you can’t rail, cry, or “whine”, 😉 as I/we’ve all done/felt the same.

    1. I no longer feel angry or negative. I feel absolutely hopeless. Almost like I am in prison,wrongly accused of something. No job will hire me after they do the background check…I have the most unemotionally supportive father and sister…today I was crying to my father and said “dad,I feel like I am in purgatory” He said “maybe you are” I feel like no one like’s me,not even locally but globally. This is the time of month,where I have not a cent,and have to wait for that long term disability check to come on January 9th. I got papers to file for ssdi,because in the states,thats the law…once you get ltd,you have to file,the papers are due January 3rd,however,why would I want to file those,shoot myself in the foot,when I want to work. And oh,btw,I went to a ssdi attorney on November 15th,and filed,got a letter in the mail,that I was denied ssi,which I didn’t file for,I was under the impression I was filing for ssdi,I emailed my ssdi attorney,she emailed me back..”hmm,must have been a mistake,our office is closed until January 2nd” I do not understand the system,nor did I ever want to. That is why I stayed with my xfiance…he was the only true family I had. I am back where I started 5 weeks ago…haven’t gotten out of bed,havent eaten,etc…this is not just about discard…this is about job loss,fiance loss,someone paying half the bills loss,no supportive family. I feel it is never going to get better,If someone told me what to do,I would do it. I in now way blame god for this. But I feel like a need some sort of divine intervention at this point. And I know how selfish that is to want. I just don’t know what to do. if I did,I would.

      1. Hi bobbie,
        It is a roller coaster we are all on. Yours made harder by ur MS. Somedays are good and some days are bad, but u will find that slowly there are more good than bad. And occasionally it gets really bad again. But it will get better.
        Unfortunately this is a hard lesson we all have to learn on our own, but it is the only way to learn it. For me (and i suspect for all of us including urself) the lesson is learning to love and trust ourselves first and above all others. We let someone into our lives that could abuse us because we did not do this before.
        U are in a shit spot right now but I know u have the strength in u to get through this. U just have to be kind to yourself and trust/believe in yourself that u will find a way. Accept that it’s tough right now, really tough, cry if needed but don’t give up. you will find a path, maybe not the one that you wanted the most but it will still be one that gives u joy and happiness. And will lead u somewhere special.
        This period will be the hardest challenge of your life. The reward at the end of it will be an inner strength that will concur all, plus a love and trust in yourself that will bring you peace and eventually the love of others. Be patient, be strong, dig deep. You will find that rainbow and the pot of gold at the end. Oo, here is a good analogy – the rainbow is you with the colours been made up of inner love, trust in yourself, patience, inner strength, kindness and belief in yourself and your values and once you find all of them, follow them, embrace them all and you will find the gold. The gold is true happiness and contentedness.

  20. I agree BobbieJean- what a sick f-upped up world, and yours in particular! How else could anyone cope with the hand dealt you? Ughh, they would be pissed off, depressed and everything else. YOU find some serenity this weekend, any way you can. I can’t imagine having the stresses you are dealing with, and I thought mine awful! See? You helped everyone on this thread by sharing your struggles (hell) you are dealing with! That’s the beauty of connecting with all of us on here, even if we are all cyber-connected- we are still sharing our minds! If you get out in this big bad world, just remember, you are a wonderful, beautiful, conscious creature. That should be enough to keep all of this in perspective, hopefully. Just know that something will happen to change your course, hold on! One thing about life- it’s always achanging.

  21. Ladies…..update. I am quite sure I got a nursing job. I apparently passed the background check without them knowing about the stupid MS,and the long term not disabled status. I just have to turn in my car insurance(it’s homehealth care) take my urine test,and the level 2 acha background check…which I did at my old job not to long ago,so I may not need another one. Also,the MS society is going to pay my rent for January. I need 1 bit of validation from you lovely ladies. Please tell me again…what would happen if I broke No Contact. Be as blatantly honest as possible. Give it to me,even if it will crush me. I need validation to NOT break NO CONTACT.

    1. Hey what wonderful news about you getting a job Bobbie and your rent being paid for january too!! You see, the worst never really happens. It is the fear in your head, that is the worst.

      You ask what would happen if you break contact? If you break no contact, two things could happen.

      1. You are ignored, which makes you feel awful
      2. The socio will talk to you, and the cycle begins again.

      Either way its a lose lose situation. You are doing WELL things are going RIGHT…. so why do you want to invite negativity and drama, and hurt and pain into your life?

      The door was closed for a reason, he was not good for you….. so why bash down the door again? It looks as if the universe is taking care of you right now…. so allow the universe to take care of you. Keep going.

      Ok he isn’t in your life, but your life is moving FORWARD…. not backwards or around in a circle….

      You are taking control of your life…. keep going.

      What will happen by breaking contact – by breaking contact you will invite further pain into your life. So just say …. no just for today, and then tomorrow do the same thing again. Please…. so pleased to hear your good news!!

    2. If you invite the soc back, you will eventually lose all you’ve gained. Again. Self-respect will be harder to come by next time, because you will fully know you invited him this time…to exploit you. The downfall could possibly cause an irrevocable depression you escaped this time due to you anger at the injustice. Seriously hope you’re not even thinking it. So pleased about your rent support and saying a prayer for the job .

      1. Ya know what? 1 time he moved out for 3 weeks…into a hotel. His choice. I had NC that full 3 weeks..was working and drove through the parking lot of the see if he was still staying there…first time I did a drive by in those 3 weeks. So,I slowly pull up…..,and he walked out….busted out crying…he came home. And to this day,or shall I say,7 weeks ago to this day,he would say “why did you come to the hotel for me” as If I threw him out,and I was coming to get him back?!?!?!? This time,he has a nice house and male roommate he moved in with. Im not sure what my point is….

    3. Dear bobbiejeane –
      Happy New Year! Things got heavy for me at the end of 2013 & I didn’t get to respond to some of your queries/comments.
      I am so glad to hear you are doing better. Congrats on the job!!! You sound a lot better even if you might not feel it enough yet.
      NC IS THE WAY! IT’S THE ONLY WAY. It’s crazy hard and feels like fresh hell, but there is a payoff. I couldn’t see it until very recently.
      I didn’t know it at the time, but my ex was seducing and discarding me over & over throughout our relationship. I re-read some old emails I’d sent to him demanding that he not treat me like I am disposable & to stop sending me such mixed messages & hurting me. I was being put through the ringer & I kept going back. I was eating out of his sick hand. Ah, hind-sight!
      The intensity of the love, passion and “sincerity” was unmatched – because it was all an ACT! I didn’t know anyone was truly capable of such evil. I really really believed we are all good inside. I still did…until recently. Now I am starting to see it doesn’t matter if he is good on the inside or not. He abused me.
      Abuse means, you need to get out. You are not out if you are still thinking about them, keeping their things around you, staying connected to them on social media…etc. (Positivagirl’s advice to stick to no contact and take it one day at a time is the best.) It is so tempting & it doesn’t make sense because you need closure.
      You need closure because you think you lost something. I know! I’m only recently seeing things differently. We are gaining ourselves back. This is a dreadful journey to go on, but I think we’re all finding our way to solid ground, unlike any we’ve known before. I wonder if this type of relationship was inevitable for a lot of us too…in order to learn about self-worth, acceptance and growth.

      1. I have NC to the fullest extent,of NC. He doesn’t do social media…that I know of….have my phone blocked via the phone company from calling his number and vise-versa. I am talking,I have no pictures of him,have not seen his face since Thaksgiving,etc…Full on NC. From being engaged and living together for 4 years,to this extent of NC…Its so bizarre! And closure? Well,the way I see it…does any breakup have closure? And if so,tell me some stories…cuz I am coming to believe Ive dated a lot of spaths,and my question is…define closure with a normal breakup and a spath breakup.

  22. Okay. Keep it coming. I was thinking about emailing last night when I was missing the beast. Keep reminding me ladies. and gents. share your stories. I need support on this. POS and SCARLETT,your right. And thank you! Scarlett,the depression is still there. It creeps up,and I literally stay in bed for days at a time.

    1. Write the email if you have to. Pour your heart out. Don’t press send instead put in drafts. Further down the line it will be good for you to see how far you have come. Write to YOU instead of him….

    2. Dear bobbiejeane,
      To keep it coming & answer a question from you way back, yes, i have run into my ex…only in random passing. Just having him bike past me & another mutual friend (we were the only people walking on a residential street) and totally ignore us felt like death. We used to talk about how we couldn’t take our eyes off each other, and sensed when the other was near, etc… Not that i wanted him to say anything; it just drove it home to me that he really did push me off the hi-dive from love of his life to insignificant and invisible.
      I recently went out to eat with my mom. We were directed to a table near a man speaking rather boisterously next to us. I was oblivious but my mother quickly alerted me it was my ex dining with his ex-wife and son…with his back to us.
      I became almost paralyzed & switched tables to the other end of the restaurant, with my back to them. In retrospect, I wonder why I didn’t leave. I couldn’t think quickly. I just wanted to hide so he wouldn’t see me or so his son wouldn’t call out to me. And part of me wanted to show up and be strong in public & ignore him. Nothing happened.
      They finished & left the restaurant. I dined in terror (that he would say something) and shock (that he didn’t). Then I spent that week in a dismal depressed state.This restaurant was a place I really loved and wanted him & me to go to. He would always insist it was too expensive & that he really didn’t like to go out to eat that much, even though he knows I love to. (He has odd eating habits/possible disorders.) I don’t know if that was a lie or he was just trying to get me to pay his way…again. But we never went, so it was also hard to understand that he was there, of all places, with his ex, whom he would call a good mother and a completely crazy bitch in the same breath.

      Post discard, I constantly wanted some kind of validation, as you mention, to know that I at least existed for him. Something, anything, to know this wasn’t all a colossal waste of love, energy & life. I couldn’t (and still can’t) comprehend how he could drop me, his partner in work & love, without flinching – there were crocodile tears, but his eyes were dead and hollow. I hurt so bad I thought my pain might have actually physically broken something inside my body. I hurt everywhere. No hope, no light, no color, no point, no good, no life…nothing worth anything in my heart. I felt like I was covered in oil and couldn’t hold onto to anything good; it all just slipped out of my arms.
      I figured this was my lot in life. I am unworthy and unable to maintain anything good. I really started to doubt he was a psychopath. Then I came back to this blog…I reread comments & yours about being disgusted that he slept around on me while I was going through/recovering from surgery…and I had an ah-ha moment.
      I DON’T WANT someone who would EVER treat me this way. I honestly couldn’t see that I was accepting his shitty treatment & I was the one who allowed this flagrant disrespect (I mean, I didn’t know this was going on until he admitted it) to come into my life.
      This is not about self-blame, but there are some things going on that we really need to wise up to. We are good people. We have kind hearts. We have wonderful qualities; qualities that can be exploited if we don’t know how to spot and TRUST the red flags. Once you see these monsters’ true colors, you still may not believe your eyes. This awareness takes a long time and a lot of work and self love. It takes so much time. But it requires discipline and consistency. This is true of anything that is worth doing – discipline is necessary until it becomes second nature. Don’t stop. Stick to it. Your life is already beginning the turn into the light. (I also think it is us finally coming see and believe our own light.) It feels like trying to move mountains and you may not actually see the movement until you are suddenly bathed in clarity and freedom. It is coming. Just don’t give up. I’m only new to it, but I can sense it changing for the better. Breaking NC is like falling into a tar pit.
      Ok – so now I must sound like I have done a total 180º. Sorta. My perspective has just shifted very slightly & it has made all the difference. I don’t mean to advertise other people’s writings, but holy smokes, I really think everyone should check out these two books: “Psychopath Free” (associated w/, but I’ve not actually even gone on this website yet, nor can i vouch for the content on it. The book was just recommended to me by a friend) and “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach – i am only just starting this one, but it’s very helpful.
      In “Psychopath Free” the writing is clear, simple and straightforward. Again I felt like I was reading something by a friend who could see inside my head and my relationship – but THIS blog was the key to help me find assistance through that book. Truly this forum is so helpful and really gives you the boost to seek additional help. Don’t stop reaching out. It feels so repetitive; I have been NC as best I can since June 2013. I am still struggling and it still feels like I am a failure and ruined and hopeless at times. My new perspective really only surfaced around Dec.28th…it’s a feeling I never thought would come. You are worth treating yourself with love, PATIENCE, and kindness. I am still unemployed too, but I have a roof over my head and I am trying to be grateful and focus on that. Shut everything else out. The reminder the plane stewards give is real – you have to put on your own oxygen mask before focusing elsewhere – including things that seem to be your problems. Panic makes the simplest of things impossible. The only way to move forward is to yield and take the time and care and calm that you need to heal. Love and light to you!

      1. oh my,your story about passing him on your bike,and in the restaurant story!!!!!!!!!!!! hell to the no! I gotta tell ya….could not handle that…check with my in 5 years,but not anytime soon. ugh! And,your entire post was awesome,btw. Can I get that book at a bookstore or is it part of the dot com agenda?

      2. @ bobbijeane -the Tara Brach book was in my library & i found a cheap copy on ebay…and Psychopath Free, I found on amazon…new, but affordable. I HIGHLY recommend it. It snapped me out of this darkness. I just realized how much I have missed color and music – I couldn’t see beauty in much of anything until recently. Still miles to go, but this week feels light years beyond last. (I also have been flipping through the Louise Hay book, You Can Heal Your Life, as another referenced – it’s got some good affirmations too. I used to think affirmations were kinda of lame or pointless, but shucks, whatever gets you through the day positively, right?)

      3. HI Maypop,
        This could have been me writing this. we are in the same place with the same realisations. From your first paragraph about NC (since June 2013 for me too),HIm dumping me cold, never tried to contact again (after the first 3 weeks) the feelings and lack of comprehension about the Soc not giving a damn after years of declarations of love (one day he loved me the next it was completely over… not a single tear for me though – oh and we were in the middle of IVF when he did it). The almost physical pain of something broken. The complete lack of respect for his mum (never a good word about her though). The being unemployed (i lost my job 4 months after discard as i was not performing – due to the discard) The not feeling worthy (I now know is a lifetime of conditioning from my family) The realising that feeling worthy is the final step in recovery in this horrible situation but is also something that is so valuable that will change my life for the better forever. And finally, the slight shift in thinking, which for me was on December the 30th after i came home from a week with the toxic family which put me back 2 months in recovery but then a few days after returning home, something shifted and how i thought about him had changed, very slightly, but enough to know that everything has changed.
        Now I need to work on me to fully accept emotionally that I am worthy. I am a great person that is worthy of a great relationship and love. As I said, a lifetime of conditioning by my family that I am a failure to overcome (my last job was as a senior executive in ANZ for a billion dollar global company, Ive run marathons and half ironmen , put myself through Uni full time while working full time and they STILL make me feel like a failure!).

        Best wishes for the final step in yours and my recovery xx

      4. Dear It Is DONE – wow! it still doesn’t cease to amaze me about the similarities. I didn’t want to admit it, but I can see how I’ve experienced similar treatment/conditioning from my family, and still do to a certain extent. Xmas was an alienating & lonely event for me too. Reading your experiences, back & forth, is really inspiring. Congratulations on your forward movement. I know you will find comfort and peace and all the things that seemed lacking, will come flooding in abundantly. Thank you to you and everyone who finds the confidence to share and speak out. We weren’t standing up for ourselves before (well, i thought I was, but I was under a spell) and it is finally happening here.

        I’ve come to understand what it means to tone down my expectations in others – for support, understanding, etc. and also learned that blood is not thicker than water. My friends & strangers I have met online 😉 have been my support system. My family stares at me blankly and ignores me/my struggles. If I had a child or sibling going through this, I would want to love on them & offer whatever assistance I could. I realize my family rarely communicates their love for one another and often behaves dreadfully selfishly. But maybe that giving instinct, too, is part of how I found myself in that toxic relationship. I learned to push my feelings aside and give/deplete myself for someone else’s sake.
        This experience is ever-unraveling and exposing itself. I know we will all be learning for a long time. It would be fascinating if it wasn’t so damn terrifying and heartbreaking.
        I never thought I would see this journey as anything but total destruction of anything I held dear. But lately I am finding the building blocks – real truths – to arrange and build a new life mentally. I am hoping this new feeling will last. Been a having a ton of nightmares about my ex and compromising situations that seem very real, but I haven’t cried about him/us/my hurt/confusion in over a week – and, alas, THAT is a big deal.
        Day by day we are enhancing our lives rather than be diminished by someone else. What a blessed relief!

      5. Thank you to you too Maypop,

        You have been helping others heal here with your truths. Today your comment reinforced where I am at also. It is good to know that there are others that are in the same stage as me. It reemphasizes that we are human and that we are normal and but what we have gone through is not normal.
        Unfortunately (or fortunately) I now know that my need to give and make everyone else happy well above and beyond myself, stems not only from an innate gene but from years of trying to overcompensate for my family – projection if you will – as i did not get it from them. But at the same time, after years of being told by my father, sister and brother that I am not good enough (my mother died when i was 16) and never received praise nor a sense of worthiness after she died, I reject it from others as I don’t know how to receive it nor do I think i am worthy of it. I was the perfect target for a sociopath.
        Nigel never complemented me, which was good, as compliments made me uncomfortable (but really it was bad and should have been a red flag, but wasn’t). With him I felt so at home… but now I realise how bad that was, as home was a toxic place. What I am saying is that I think I allowed someone in my life to manipulate me like he did because I thought that was how it was suppose to be, as that is how I had always been treated by those I loved. My father was extremely emotionally unavailable. Nigel from day one reminded me of my father, but with his mirroring seemed more emotionally available but that was just the mirroring. When things went bad for me, like the miscarriage, he showed his true colors and ran for the hills rather, than supporting me, he ditched me. Then, rather than me walking away from this obvious emotional dissonance, I accepted it as normal, as this is all i have known from the men in my life. Actually, my dad was not that bad.

        With regards to support from family: I went home (2 states away in Australia) only 3 weeks after discard for some family support and love (What was i thinking?!?!) and upon arrival and seeing my dad i started to cry, my father then started yelling at me and telling me how sick of hearing about it they all were and that i was an idiot and weak and that i had never cried over my mother dying so how could i still be crying for 3 weeks over this arsehole that was not worth a second of my time ( he was yelling very loudly and we were in the car so i couldn’t walk away.) and that I was stupid and he didn’t want to hear anything else about it. I guess i did learn some stuff from Nigel because rather than screaming back, i asked him not to speak to me like htat (i was crying however) and that there were other ways that he could have conveyed how he felt and that he could drop me off at my sisters house as i did not want to spend more time with him. The irony of what he said was that I cried for about 3 years non stop over my mum and still cry to this day. My sister was ok for about a month of me talking about him but after that she just gets really angry so I can not mention him at all anymore. And my brother will not discuss it at all. So i understand the No support at all. Thank goodness for this site and for a friend that i have made on here as well as everyone else on here and I am especially thankful for having a fantastic counselor that is helping me change my world by helping me change the broken bits inside me.

        I actually have strong hopes that something so wonderful will come out of this that will make the heartache and pain worth it 10 times over. And that is acceptance of who I am – a sense of self worthiness, contentedness and self understanding that will lead to true happiness as well as enable me to have a healthy loving relationship. And will also help me bring up a child on my own that is healthy on the inside and out.


        Yes, my family of origin wounds are huge and at 42 I am just discovering how deeply they go. But awareness is key and I am now working on them so that I NEVER let someone like the ex soc NIgel into my life again.

  23. Bobbiejeane, I’m no lady, but I hope you can glean some strength from what I’ve endured this past week from breaking NC! I know some of you women would question the value of hearing from a man’s perspective, but trust me, I am wired emotionally and in my heart like woman ( my assessment). So here’s my sorry update:

    It was xmas nite that I made the 1rst fatal mistake. It started with a simple text I sent of “hey merry xmas” & saying how much I appreciated his heart-felt words about “us” i.e. how much he missed me, how he had thought so much about us, etc. Oh yeah, and that he “loved” me! We had very slow ( as though he was distracted) texts that night, but I left the final one saying basically that of course I had loved him, and he knew this.Sound familiar? So after that I noticed the next day he texted back how wonderful it was that I said that, how wonderful it was going to be to see me again and talk. I must admit that I got butterflies at the time- but I also felt dumb. How could I have communicated with this awful person again? I resisted his texts and email he sent a few days before xmas last week, even though I cried for the illusion that was gone. So when I received them after many weeks of NC, the nagging feeling of wanting to talk to him began to work it’s way into my thinking. I made it all the way back from my sis’ house on the coast ( an awful trip, the roads were jammed for miles & miles!). I awoke the next day from my own bed and felt the wretched need to reach out, again. See how the sickness of making contact works?
    So back to last weekend. It was Sunday night that he texted me a shot of him on the couch with his dog ( from like 7 years ago). I took the bait and wrote a diddy the next morning. He returned the text from work saying could we talk? I asked “whats on your mind”- and thus began my hell. He called later that day, he acted as if everything was the same, even went into details about his day that I used to endure but really bored me but he was as nice as he can be ( which is not that nice LOL) but I still invited him to come over and “talk” in person. Oh what a fool. He came, we talked but it soon led to physical contact. We slept together. When he got up early to go to work, I had coffee with him, and a cigarette, and he kept saying how “sorry” he was and what a mess he had made of “us” with this new person in his life. It seems this guy he met on the cruise he took (whilst my beloved mom was on her deathbed), and the same trip that
    1) He lied about cancelling due to mom
    2) He waited until 2 days to inform me that he actually was taking
    3) He took a GODDAM cruise while I buried my mom
    4) He never said until the other day that he met anyone or any details about his stupid trip!

    So he actually, I found out, made it with this stranger either on the boat or upon their return. And you know what he said? That I was still the one, that I was more important. Whoopeee.
    But you know what he wouldn’t say the other day? That this affair was over- he liked the attention. It was obvious. He apologised for having plans for New Years Eve, which was fine- I did not want to be with his friends who are not my cup of tea either ( birds of feather flock together, remember! But of course, what does that say about me?) and besides, he probably was with his new “love” even though I never wanted to believe that the other day because he did text me at midnight, told me how wonderful the new year would be, etc. But he didn’t call- which I made excuses for. He didn’t call the next day until I pushed for it by text later in the afternoon. Now he was in full discard mode. How he was having a “hectic day” with new washer being delivered ( on a holiday? yeah right), how he was “having a drink with friend”! When I read that, I saw red! I freaked! One minute your day is hectic, too hectic to call someone you love on the new year and the next having a blooming drink with a “friend”!? OMG and get this, when I call him out on it, he just texts back “drama”. I felt as though he had just stabbed me in the heart, once again.

    So, bobbiejeane, look at me now. I cried, I broke down in anxiety attack, I reached for the bottle to self soothe. He told me he would call me back, but never did. He tried the next evening when I was on the phone, but it went to voicemail. I did not listen. The next day I found a way to block his texts/calls and it worked. I really can’t stress to you enough that these people are only out for themselves, no matter what they say or what they pretend. Don’t be fooled for a New York minute that he has changed! The only way they could prove that I am afraid, would be nearly impossible.

    I went on to talk about it with friends who I am lucky have stood by me through this whole needless drama. They all were disappointed I did what I did, but they too know that it takes what it takes for you to finally let go. I sure hope my story helps you, seeing how recent it was. I feel much better after a few days of NC! I even joined a dating website and have other things in my life to keep me busy- as you do with your new job! I am honestly happy for you that you have found and focus on that, focus on yourself! And trust me, if he tries some how to communicate, ignore. I sure wish I had done this years ago, but at least we didn’t live together or mix our lives too much so it’s easier for me. You will prevail, don’t forget that we as victims need to treat ourselves with as much importance as our spathes do themselves! I wish you peace and joy in the new year!

    1. how long did you got NC b4 the bullshit started this past week? Oh gosh,I am so putting myself in your shoes,I’ve reread your story 10 x’s now…Its so highschool if ya think about it,isnt it? And I know me….if he didn’t reply…id go back to bed for another 3-4 days,not eat,smoke 5trillion cigs…how can I miss someone like him? its so weird. It was the 1st time I was engaged…and I now know,it was like I was a virgin in a sense….he got off on being the 1st person,I agreed to put a ring on my fucking finger! the fuckhead!

      1. Bobbiejeane, I had gone from Dec. 9, the day he fessed up to this new affair and I held my own to not whack him up side the head that night. I’ve been so vulnerable since mom’s death, unemployed to boot ( my dad has been helping me out), sorting through complicated estate affairs, etc. The last thing I needed right now was somebody that I thought maybe, idiotically, that it could be him somehow ( even after all the red flags, his behavior throughout my mom’s illness, and my 4 years of experiences with him that all screamed, “NO”!).

        You’re right, they are like teenagers, I’ve said this many times in the course of this relationship. He even acted up on my best friend’s wedding because of his pettiness. Later I took a trip to see my dad in California, and he balked to pay his airfare even though everything else was included once he got there! We had a knockdown drag out in the motel room in the middle of the trip. I am not proud, but we had experimented with (the rage in the news these days), with synthetic mary jane, which was the last time I did it because I became enraged at his stupid behavior that trip ( acting like a prick, saying rude remarks about my dad, etc). God, I am the true idiot here for not making a permanent stand so long ago. But, I did try so many times to release him/me. I just caved at his attempts. But no more, please God, no more.

        I think the big red flags I noticed going into this mess was:
        1) his lack of self control
        2) acting unkind towards strangers ( people in stores dared not make him go out of his way like pushing a cart or walking in isles)
        3) extreme rudeness with remarks about not only me but friends, family
        4) constant bickering with services or utilities (always on phone disputing charges, trying to get over on services provided, etc) In some cases this is necessary in these days of low customer service, but he took it to a horrible level with these people on the phone- talking to them like trash.
        5) doing things of major importance in his life ( attending university, buying an expensive motor scooter, purchasing a home) all without even telling me he was looking, asking for my input, or just including me in the act. It really made me feel more like a distant relative then his lover.

        I could go on and on, but as positivagirl says, it is important to go and make a list. Her recent idea to compose emails I have been doing for years! I reread some of them this past week just to get my anger up and remember how worthless a person he is/was. It sickens me that someone of my sweetness ( and I don’t use the term casually, I am really a sweetheart!) would/could get caught up with someone so evil.
        He used to always say, right up until the other night, how sweet I am as an example: I had wrapped up a gift for him that I bought not really for him, but just to have something for xmas since we were apart. He wouldn’t open it, and said that to wait until he could get me something. I told him it was just a little something, but it was just as well he didn’t. I gave it to my cousin I had dinner with the other night!

        You know the stupid truth? I have been cleaning up today around the house, the backyard, etc. But I always look at the answering machine as I walk by the doorway and a part of me hopes there’s a message from him ( he can still leave messages on my home phone, Rockford style! LOL). Damn, pretty sick. But, I was good and, without listening, erased his message from the other day. It was transcribed on an email that yes I did read, but atleast I didn’t have to hear his voice ( it is very sexy to me). I think between the sex and his voice and the constant attention via texts & phone, I was powerless to resist him. I know that sounds stupid, but chemistry and frequency of contact of the sort we shared is not only rare, but extremely hard to go cold turkey from. But that’s a whole ‘nother blog!

        I am going to go grocery shopping, bobbie, but just know we are all in this together! We can and DO help each other by just the act of sharing stories. I have even thought to join a gay support group and might just yet. I hate to talk about it much more than what I do on here and with friends/family, but it must be released. And through helping others it makes us stronger! That’s a cool thing!

    2. well shit man…I’d just take some validation from him contacting ME. That’s it. I don’t even think I would cave. I think I would feel like superwoman! ITS BEEN SINCE THANKSGIVING DAY NC. I’d even take some stalking from the fuck,as we all know,that is validation and easier to move on. Period.

  24. edalude. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost mine 4 years ago. I will never get over it…Ive accepted it,but will never get over it. I was engaged to my guy,for 3.5 years,together for 4. A. Nothing wrong with experimenting,noone is perfect. B. The beast left me,when I needed him most. I had lost my job in July d/t multiple sclerosis…got caught up in the very system I despise…short term disability than long term disability. I was at that job 11 years. That was a major loss accompanied by grief. Than,when I went threw my retirement savings,and was transitioned to long term disability,the money was less(Im learning about this bullshit system and getting the fuck out and got a job,havent been without a job since I was 15) So he was supposed to clean the carpets on thanksgiving,went golfing,no biggie,golfing sounds funner,came back,and moved out. Ive zero family support…He left me with a mess. I cannot undo,what I didn’t do. He offered,even when I was working,to pay bills,I would throw a fit,as I am not a woman,that wants a man taking care of me,than throw it in my face. Didn’t bother me that he threw in my face when I was employed,it bothered me when I felt like nothing when I lost my job. Talk about kicking a dog when their done. For fucksakes! And get he was leaving…he said “Your situation is bringing me down” As though I weren’t devasted by my job loss?!?!?! I keep waiting for the guy to knock on my door. He moved in with me,created a home for us…than left. even tried to take the plants he planted out of the ground! I have to say….I have had some messed up challenges in the past 4 years…diagnoses of ms,lost my mother suddenly 2 months later,diagnosed with stage zero breast cancer last march,with 3 different options,none of which I chose,job loss,than the first man I ever let put a ring on my finger….bails when I needed him the most….This has been the biggest challenge so far…scraping up money for food,waiting for that stupid long term disability check,that goes to bills as soon as I get it,I am going to have to file medical bankruptcy. So I get so confused as…he was very helpful,beyond helpful…but than I read in these posts,how some SP’S do that,so you become dependant upon them. And boy,did I. So,thats where the guilt on my end comes in, Was I not appreciative? Did I take him for granted? Than I have to remember,I hooked up with him,when he was sleeping on x wife number one’s couch,while going threw a divorce with x wife number 2. That shit aint right,is it? Anyone,feel free to chime in.

  25. Wow- just wow. Believe it or not, bobbie, I’ve been following your posts on here and your last big paragraph kind of put if all into perspective. Your story is so much more awful because, in addition to your medical woes, you had someone that you trusted and loved that was cohabitating with you. That’s the worst scenario, because when you are in that situation it makes it that much more complicated when they’re gone. Of course I thank my lucky stars that my man was such a self-centered prick that he would NEVER move in with me as my house is too small, old, “in the country” as he would say ( BS- it is only a few minutes from downtown)! When we were still in the love bombing mode we would say we would live together, but even then I didn’t think it possible. He’s too unhelpful around here when he comes over, even though when I went to his place I would help with dishes, laundry, etc. Makes me think of a funny story~ The first few months we were dating he was going to take a shower and I suddenly remembered that I had the shower curtain in the wash. I opened the bathroom door, hearing the water running, and him just standing in the tub with the shower splattering all over the floor! I was like “DUDE, there’s no curtain! WTF are you doing?!” He gave me this look and said something to the effect that I should’ve provided him with the curtain BEFORE he entered the bathroom! GOD- I mean seriously? I should’ve thrown him out that day. His dumb, self-centered remarks would make me so frustrated I would often want to just physically harm him ( though I never did, thank God because violence never solves anything).

    But no, trust me, you don’t want a stalker. I know what you mean, as much as I cried with joy when he texted me the sentiments at xmas, we all know it was all fake. And people like this, if they stalk you then you could be in for more creepiness than you bargained for. I absolutely know what you mean, though.That if they did that, then you could feel all superior and with the power. But remember, you DO have the power now. If you’ve gone since thnksgvg then you have achieved a great period of time away. I envy your ability to stay strong and not contact him. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been bummed and in bed. It still took strength to not cave. I am also happy I encouraged you NOT to contact him, email or otherwise yesterday. These people are weird. Just icky, self-serving slobs that couldn’t care less about the hurt they inflict on the very ones that not only gave them their bodies, but their spirits, their generosity, their time. I think that is what is so hard to accept, that here you thought you finally met someone that you could be totally open with, share your home with, and they just treat you like dirt. Make no mistake, they can and will do it again if given the chance.

    I don’t know how you have done as well as you have considering you lost your mom, like me, your job, like me, and you have a potentially debilatating disease such as MS ( and my GOD, breast cancer too?).
    It’s so horrible and tragic as to make me feel ridiculous that I complain of my situation. Dear Bobbiejeane, you are on the road to recovery and a new life. It’s like my dear deceased best friend used to say, when one way of life dies, a new one is born and rises up to take us on a new journey. I sure miss her, her crazy ways and making me laugh. But I feel, like my mom, her presence and know that I and YOU can’t go wrong. You see, we have really powerful, special souls in our corner. I almost want to sit back and just let it all unfold. Cheers- thanks for your words, too. It’s a new week and make it a great one!

    1. Feel free to complain……please. The MS and the breast bullshit have been a walk in the park compared to this. I laffed my ass off during breast surgery,it was odd. My oncologist said it was my defense mechanism. I disagree. I thought it was funny that yet again I was going through more medical crap… I said…the job loss and than the discard,has far been worse than any fucking disease.

  26. I am NC for 11 days straight. It may not sound like much, but it is a triumph for me as I have finally understood/recognized his destructiveness from the day I met him. It’s actually probably longer in terms of mind shift in response to patterns since I was basically forming “goodbye language” for the past month through the texts.

    Didn’t stop him from trying to get me to agree to see him. It was good for me to know there was really nothing else more to him/us, or for me to do. True to soc form, I got no apologies, expressions of regret, or even words of love or kindness. Just requests I could take or leave. So much nothingness.

    I didn’t leave mean or angry which, I feel would’ve been a triumph for him to keep me in that place. But I do admit to a continual distaste in response to his treatment that keeps me in NC.

  27. Congrats on 11 days jusagirl! I liked this post about your take on the whole thing with your “lover”. I saw another post today I think was yours about how one of the things you realise about all this is how much of your relationship was really just a game. A light went off in my head because I thought back about all the emails I composed ( sent only a few of them) over the years when we would get into a tiff. How it was ME constantly trying to make him realise how much it hurt for him to be dismissive, insulting, and down right selfish. Alas, it is just because we only mattered to them when it was convenient to them, and when they meet a new source we are dumped into discard. Much like the other day, hopefully the last day of contact I will ever endure, that he was blowing me off because of supposed drama I was causing ( typical, blame the victim). But it was drama he induced through his actions and then doesn’t want to have to take responsibility for. If I treated him the same at any point in our relations he would’ve freaked. And on that note I DID sink to his level on many occasions to “get even” and thus lowered myself to his shitty level, and that ain’t cool.

    Be glad, jusagirl, that he didn’t try the ol’ bullcrap of hollow apologies and pointless declarations of turning a new leaf! It’s just a way to get you back into their dumb games. I have to accept responsibility for allowing it to go on and on. I’ve been lazy about so many aspects of my people skills and even though I am not a total recluse, I do not enjoy a large circle of friends/aquantences so I muddled through this for a couple of reasons:
    1) As mentioned before, the sexual chemistry was intense
    2) I took on a sort of quasi-friendship where I let the other define the perimeters of our relations and it filled a gap in my loneliness.

    I dunno, maybe I am over analysing this, and maybe I should seek therapy ( out of work doesn’t help my self-esteem). But I have always been drawn to human psyche and the dealings with everything conscious. It is a weird reality our brains create, often times we literally stumble into these things and we try to do the best we can with reality. But the trick is to recognise and reject anything ( especially from other people) that hurts us ( which I guess all of us did throughout our relationships but these type of people cannot/willnot play fair). I guess these crazies that we all have run into not only helps us in the end to recognise it in the future, but confirms our own sensibilities and confirms our humanness. Do we owe a debt of gratitude for these psychos in our lives? No, it’s still unfortunate that we all didn’t end up with compatible, wonderful people like some seem to attract in this world, but we cannot change our pasts. We can only persist with the knowledge that their ARE still good people in this world, ourselves included, and we don’t need anyone to confirm this or validate what truly is real. Give ourselves a hug!

  28. “But maybe that giving instinct, too, is part of how I found myself in that toxic relationship. I learned to push my feelings aside and give/deplete myself for someone else’s sake.”

    Bingo. Think you’re onto something.

  29. Hello, my sociopath broke up
    With me suddenly a few days ago.
    I had sent him a message once again questioning why I had not meant anyone in his life after 2 years. And why he is intense towards me one day and them becomes distant and then after a while intense again. Based on my msg he broke it off and cancelled his flights to Bali for an upcoming holiday. He told me it was all my fault and my message was what lead to the breakup. However he at no stage answered my questions. He was cold and emotionless about the break up. Many other things have occurred but he does not show all the signs of the behaviour but some are very strong. He now has msg’d me saying he still loves me and still thinks about us growing old together. When I have questioned him why he has told me this he just replies because I wanted to. I am confused because he has broken it off and yet he tells me he still loves me.

    In addition he has been asking me to send a photo to him as he finds me attractive and likes looking at me. I haven’t. He kept trying to convince me and I still have not. He also
    has asked me if I still love him. And if I have looked at any photos of him.

    I am very confused. I don’t know if he really is or is not a sociopath. But why would someone who loves you behave this way?

  30. wow, this article was a life saver for me. And if you don’t think Women can be a Sociopath you are wrong. I was married to one for six years and she did EXACTLY WHAT THIS ARTICLE DESCRIBED!

    Here is my story:

    When i first met my wife, i fell in love at first site. I had come out of a two year engagement with a girl that i caught cheating on me. I told my wife then that if she ever did not want to see me, just tell me and be honest. Over the course of our dating for 7 months, i caught her several times cheating on me. Once i found her emailing a guy who was married and boasting to him that she was dating me, but his kisses were “hotter”. Another time, we were going out on a dinner date and when i got to her house she told me that a girlfriend she had not seen in a while wanted to go to dinner. I said ok, i would stay and watch, the stepdaughter who was about 7 at the time. It turned out that she was actually out with a male doctor she wanted to date. We went back and forth on seeing the doctor, dumping me, getting back with me, seeing the doctor over the course of four months until the doctor finally dumped her. I was pursuing someone else when she contacted and wanted to get back with me. We did and then she quickly wanted to get engaged. Two months later she lost vision in one of her eyes and was diagnosed with MS. She had to take shots every day. I researched MS and realized what I was potentially going to take on. And we were married five years ago. After we were married, she still lived in Newport NEws while i lived an hour away in Richmond. Everything seemed fantastic and she always wanted to be close to me and intimate with me. I started to research latest cures for MS and came across a heart doctor who’s wife supposedly had MS. He felt it could be vascular related and opened arteries in his wife and her vision was returned. I told this to my wife and she told her MS doctor. He had her checked by a heart doctor and it turned out she had a hole in her heart. She did not have MS after all. They repaired her heart and then we sold her house in Virginia Beach and she moved into my home in Richmond.

    In addition, my wife had a stepdaughter that her friends said she would never find a man who would put up with. at 7 and on, they said the step daughter would slap my wife and she would do nothing about it. the child would pull tantrums all the time. I tried to be a parent and help my wife. Once night with the wife present and the daughter pulling a tantrum, i took her in garage by the stinking garbage can and told her we were going to stay there until she stopped the tantrum. She finally stopped and she never pulled tantrums with me.

    Once my wife sold her home in the second year of our marriage and moved to Richmond, she started acting different. She rarely wanted to get close to me or be intimate. She stated she felt like she was in a Prison Camp because the house was not hers. So i remodeled it to look as she wanted so she would feel different. That was first year of us living together.

    The step daughter also came and she entered middle school and continued being a problem kid. The third year continued with my wife being distant and working long shifts at the hospital. We both enjoyed a bottle of wine in the evenings, and when i would mention my concerns about lack of love and intimacy and she would always attack me as the reason. She just never seemed to be that person who wanted to marry me and looking back now i think she may have only married me because she had learned that she had MS.

    Also, my wife who has family in Michigan went back in the summer without me and when she returned i found her online looking up homes/land to buy in Michigan. Prior to that trip we were always talking about retiring in Europe or other countries.

    The fourth year was same but the stepdaughter was really getting out of hand. She had a friend Sarah who was always talking death and suicide. the step daughter posted about suicide and we were notified by the school. the step daughter also texted a 30 year old man in Texas who openly stated he wanted to come up and cut her throat and rape her. She even gave him our address. I had to get law enforcement involved. And really had some harsh words with the girl to try to shake her out of the path she was taking. Sarah’s parents took their suicidal girl out of school and put her in another middle school. I got church missionaries to teach the step daughter so she might have some direction and she started to do better.

    But in my relationship with my wife, i still never felt she really was ever happy to be with me or loved me. This would occasionally create arguments at night. Particularly when she would always stay up later than me so i would be asleep already and then no risk of being intimate. She also bought land in Michigan to be able to build a house. I went along with the plan to retire there in four more years. But i also told her the daughter does not want to live there and particularly she will not want to after she has graduated from high school and all her friends live in Virginia.

    We rolled into the 5th year and the daughter was doing better. I really tried to be a good father to the daughter and actually felt guilty because i did more for her than my own daughter who lived in Utah.

    Prior to school starting we went to Michigan on vacation. My wife stated how she wished she could live there now and not leave. We returned and my wife also joined the Church that my step daughter joined and she stopped drinking.

    We went to high school orientation and to my horror found that the suicidal girl Sarah was in her class. I told my wife that we had to keep them apart or the step daughter would threaten suicide in a few months. My wife ignored me.

    My wife started hounding me on drinking too much, when she stopped drinking. All i did was have two or three glasses of wine to unwind in the evening. She also said she had no emotional connection with me and we did not communicate. Yet when she would set on the bench out front to watch the birds with me and i asked her if she wanted to talk about anything, she never had anything to say.

    One day i came home from work early and surprised her. She hid a piece of paper, when i looked at it i discovered that she was seeing a lawyer and marriage counsellor. She was really mad and ripped the paper away from me. I asked her what was going on and she said nothing. But later she left her email up and i discovered that she wrote her sister in Michigan telling her that she intended to leave me because i was a “drunk” and verbally abused her. I was shocked I have never laid a hand on her. I had always told her if she ever wanted to leave i would let her. But this article makes it clear that behind my back she was setting up for a new source.

    I confronted her and she said you won’t go to counselling or stop drinking. I told her i would. I stopped drinking and even went to AA meetings to prove to her i was serious. Was on path to get the one month chip. We also went to the counsellor and the first session was great and my wife came home and was intimate with me.

    Then Thanksgiving my wife said she felt we should have a bottle of wine. i said are you sure three times and she said yes. Then just before Christmas we saw the counsellor a second time. She asked us how things were going. I told her from my view fantastic.

    But when she asked my wife, she simply said she did not feel as afraid as before. I was shocked, i never laid a hand on her and we had such a great week.

    That night my wife said she was going to start to go to those doctor/nurse dinners she did when i first met her where the drug folks wine and dine them to promote their drugs.

    I did not drink at all that night and instead of being back in an hour as she said, it was three hours. I asked her whether it was worth setting back our progress counselling to go back to those dinners when that was the stuff she did when she first cheated on me when we met. She had had some wine and she gave me this little smile and said “it was” in a sensual tone. That told me she had been with a man. I believe the man who came down to move her to Michigan.

    I also remembered earlier that night before the daughter was very somber and said to my wife that she had promised to take her to an christmas ornament party. But instead my wife went to the “doctor/nurse dinner. She was suppose to go with her nurse boss, but she said she could not make it and was driving herself alone.

    Next day she called me at noon and said she had to go to school the daughter threatened suicide. I told her to call me to let me know what was going on. I never got a call. I was very worried and did not know what was happening. I called her work to see if they had heard anything. Finally at 10 she called and just said the step daughter had to be evaluated for a week at the hospital and she was going to stay down there. She would not tell me why the stepdaughter was suicidal and she left me hanging like that. She immediately said you are mad and said she would sleep in the car. And after that would not talk to me.

    I believe my ex had been building a case of drinking and verbal abuse because i had never harmed her or cheated on her. I don’t think she felt i would just let her go as i told her i would. i believe the vacation she went without me she met an old high school boyfriend or some man and that is why she started looking for places in Michigan. I think that she went out to dinner that night with the guy and they told the step daughter that they were moving to Michigan. I think that is why she was so somber that night. I think that is why she threatened suicide the next day and threw my wife’s schedule off. think my wife was planning this all along to leave just at school break. I talked to Britt two weeks earlier and she said she was happy with our family. She had a boyfriend, she had friends, the Church her real father and she did not want to live in Michigan. A week in my wife comes in and would not talk to me, and exchanged cars. After she left i noticed she had taken all the keys for her car and left me the key she had for my car. I knew then she was leaving and tried to call her. She would not talk. From that point on she would only send a text message saying she was leaving and anything she wanted me to do. I quickly worked the seperation agreement we had always agreed on and kept trying to tell her i loved her. But she said the stress of our marriage and my drinking caused Britt to threaten suicide. I left them two nice notes saying i wished them well, they just threw the notes in the trash and after six years of being good and faithful to my wife and a father to the daughter, they did not even leave one kind word for me on a note after they packed and left.

    They left jus before Christmas and despite all my emails phone messages, i was just ignored. Then after Christmas my wife sent me express mail a romantic stories book. That made me feel she regretted leaving and i started texting again. Then she sent me cruel messages to get on with my life and leave them alone and go find someone else to focus on. I could not believe these two people i loved could throw me away like a piece of garbage.

    Two weeks later i had to go to doctor for my prostate check and looks like i am facing prostate cancer and will have to have surgery. i saved my wifes life discovering she really did not have MS but a heart problem. And i was there during her operation. Now i am in an empty house, shell shocked that two people i loved have abandoned me, and now facing Cancer alone. I was an idiot to have married her.

    There was an Army of red flags, but my therapist says i project the kind of love i want onto the person i am infatuated even before they have earned it. And then i get frustrated when i don’t get the same kind of love back. That is my story. I am trying to get involved in activities and am seeing a therapist. But am just so depressed and still wanting her back.

    But now reading this article I realize the person I loved, never existed. The person I married disguised who she really was when she felt she needed a caregiver for her MS and when she no long had MS and her heart condition, Thanks to me was repaired, she made plans to find another source and depart. Not ONE KIND WORD even knowing I am facing cancer! And she worked on behind my back as the article describes to devalue me and to paint me as a monster to secure a new caregiver/source. Since she left she has given me the silent treatment. But that is coming to an end tonight because this article has show me that the person I loved never existed and I sent her my announcement the marriage is terminated don’t contact me ever again. I plan to move on knowing that I was in love with a mirage.

    But at least I know it was not me, it was that I picked a mentally sick person to fall in love with and have to learn to love myself first, enjoy my life just me, and then find someone who we can compliment each other.

    And whenever I feel sad about her now, I will think of the McDonald’s picture and realize the person I love never existed.

  31. Hi Pierre,

    Your story touched me. I am sorry for your pain. Welcome to the site. As this is an old blog page, many people may not see your post. I hope you find healing here.


    1. I am so relieved to have discovered this site. Thank you all for sharing your stories. For a moment I thought I was crazy. I actually diagnosed him with sociopathy almost 3 months into the relationship! why I never left I don’t know. Now i’m feeling the ramifications of my poor decision to stay. I feel hurt and torn and exposed. I feel like crawling out of my skin. Not quite ready to share my story as this is quite recent as in 1 day ago but I have found some hope in seeing everyone’s remarkable recovery.

      1. Keep reading Michelle. I found this site by mistake, it is wonderful, keeps me sane and even makes me laugh sometimes. We can not back, only forward.

  32. You are really god sent and after reading your post i realize that there are evil people and there are good people here.
    I am trying to come out of a relationship with a sociopath spouse.
    Your website is the source of inspiration and has helped me a lot. I will be grateful to you forever.

    Love Peace

  33. This paragraph described my whole relationship…

    “With a sociopath, this is not usually the case. Often with a sociopath, you have suspicions that things are going wrong. But the sociopath will lie, manipulate, and deceive. If you raise questions about your suspicions, you will be told that you are crazy, and that it is not really like that at all”

    I certainly did question my sanity and wondered if I had issues or was paranoid. It makes total sense now. He would always ask me if I loved him and now I understand it’s because he wanted to know how much control he had over me. I’m so glad I confronted the sociopath I was dating because now that he’s exposed, he won’t dare come back.

  34. I was in a relationship on and off again for 4 months. Everything was going great. We had been discussing moving in together. He told his ex that their son and us were moving to another city. We planned a week long vacation in July. Friday we talked about houses he found. Everything was great. Saturday he seemed distant. SUnday he cut me off and told me he wanted a break. Hes been horrible to me on the phone. Ive texted him and pleaded with him but, he just gets meaner. Last night he texted that he just wanted to be friends. I didnt respond. He called me 3 hours later but i didnt hear it. I tried calling him back but he didnt answer.
    Im crushed. I dont know what happened. I did everything for him. I cant eat , or sleep. My anxiety is through the roof. Its hard to concentrate at work. I just lay on the couch at night going over and over the situation in my mind. Its killing me. 😦

    1. Broken this is the worst time and the worst feeling of all. You are heartbroken and he had no real connection to anything. He also has no conscience so he doesn’t care. Inside he is empty, to strive off boredom he manipulates others. Believe me, really you are the winner. You have the ability to love and feel. You feel this way because you have this ability he feels this way because it is beyond his comprehension, apart from faking it…. Words words just words.

  35. I stumbled upon this site after I began doing some research on sociopaths…because I started to realize that the person I was involved with was not normal. A compulsive liar, a master manipulator, and when he got caught in a lie, he was so awful towards me. I’ve related so much to everything that was said in the comments. It is comforting to know I am not alone.
    I’ve spent about five years of my life with a man who I now see is a narcissictic sociopath but the bad news is he’s a cop. That is only in recent times because, like most sociopaths, he could never hold down a job for long either becoming bored or thinking he was above whatever he was doing (because obviously he is so much smarter than everyone). He’s been fired from a number of jobs too (one was a baseball coaching gig and he was sleeping with one of the players’ mothers – so classy) but him being a cop just added a level of fear because with a badge, he’s even more deluded and confident that he is above normal societal rules.
    I actually moved four states away from this man because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I knew it was toxic and unhealthy and that he was a lying, cheating scumbag and I knew I had to get out before I completely lost myself. After I moved, he was in constant contact, convinced me to fly in for a visit and I actually thought maybe he had changed….that was until I discovered he’d also been seeing an ex girlfriend for about six months as well while also seeing me. This was going on well before I moved. I can’t say I was surprised. He’s always been a liar and then would somehow charm his way back in. “I’ve changed”, “I’m in therapy”, “I found God”….I’ve heard them all and really these types of people prey on those that have a forgiving nature (which is clearly all of us). After finding out he’d been seeing his ex, I was upset. I’d had my suspicions since he’d cheated before, which he vehemently denied and made me feel guilty for even asking, but when they were confirmed, I was in shock. He really got me good. He had me totally convinced that everything was going to work out this time…and when I blew up following this news, he threatened to file harrassment charges on me. He said the way I was acting towards him was crazy and over the top. He said he’d have me arrested! This all after he had been sleeping around and lying about it for months! That’s one of the most ridiculous moments of my life and more proof that sociopaths are completely immature, have no shame or empathy, and have no conscience.
    Attacking the victim for having an emotional reaction to finding out he’d cheated was my lightbulb moment. I saw signs all along. He fights with his family and friends all the time. He had unrealistic dreams of achieving great wealth and fame and was always talking about some new way to make money. He recently tried to be an actor. He talked terribly about his exes and his family and was so jealous of his brother’s success. He could go days with showering you with attention and then would just cut you off with no explanation. He tries to control everyone around him and goes into to rages when he doesn’t get his way. But hey, as you all know, he could turn on the charm too.
    He is dating a woman now and I honestly feel sorry for her because I know what the future holds for her but I am having a hard time with the whole “discarded” phase. I get that I no longer am convenient for him and I can now do nothing for him so I am no longer needed or wanted not to mention, my moving has made him lose control to an extent but I still wish there was some closure. I feel ashamed of myself for contacting him. I feel ashamed for ever being with him. I really want to do no contact. I am just having a hard time right now. It’s like I don’t know how to live without his attention even though I know it was and is all lies and deception. It was just a game for him and by cutting me off, he “won”. It’s his form of control. It just sucks to feel so unimportant.

  36. Hey you guys, I’ve been having an on/off relationship with a sociopath, this situation is ripping me apart. The story is too long to explain on here but I was curious as to how you guys personally were able to come to grips with the situation and how you went about removing yourself from that situation and personal experiences of getting over this person. I’m struggling hard and I really need some help and guidance from people who know where I’m coming from. Thank you guys so much!

    1. Hi Hannah, welcome to the site. I think being in ‘fog of confusion’ and not knowing how to feel is common. The best advise is to stop with the on/off relationship. To heal and recover and move forward, you need to take time out to heal. this means going NO CONTACT (see the post on No Contact in the healing and recovery section. When you do no contact it forces you to take time out for you and your life. You have to, and you can’t go back to them to lean on them. This forces you to take care of you, and your own needs. It also breaks the illusion that the sociopath creates to confuse and manipulate you, when you gain distance, you start to see things more clearly. This is really the only way, being in an on/off relationship without allowing yourself to heal, is like having a scab that you keep itching – it will never heal and will keep bleeding.

  37. I compare it to a drug addiction. The first couple weeks feel like torture. The world you knew is gone and even though it sucked, it was familiar and this person was at the center of everything. It’s hard to know how to function without this person dictating how your day is going to go, but then after those first couple weeks, you start to feel free. Then a couple more weeks go by and you realize how awful the situations created by this person were and how much better life is without them. What gets me through is constantly telling myself that he has a broken brain. No amount of love or understanding can fix it and no matter who he is with, he will always be this way. He’s mentally ill and can’t be fixed. That really helps me maintain no contact. I also changed my phone number so even if he decided to try to contact me, I won’t know.

  38. i just found a topic and i was reading that ignorance is the same abuse as physical abuse and i realize how much i have been abused just one year later i can see it …wow i think i have protected myself for the hurt of knowing what has happend with me..strength to all of us x
    (can,t post the picture tough )

  39. I have been reading posts all day, I’m literally in a desperate state. After a four year relationship, with a man I thought was the LOVE OF MY LIFE, I’m teetering on the edge of insanity.
    Love bombed the hell out of me, told me he loved me before we even met in person, I thought that was a bit odd, but he claimed it was “bigger than us” and I bought into that and ended up moving in with him basically immediately. I thought I was in heaven, all of my prayers had been answered. Finally, after lots of heartache and being a single mom, I had finally found my “person” or so I thought.
    Within the first week, he “shamed” me into paying a $100.00 bill at his house that had nothing to do with me. I stupidly did it, even though he makes six figures, and I make nowhere near that. This was a red flag, I blew right through it.
    About 6 weeks in, I found texts from a woman he was dating when he met me. He’d sent her pictures of us, with me cropped out! She’d sent naked pics of herself. I was crushed. He assured me he had made a mistake, that it wouldn’t happen again. I stuck around…too caught up in the dream. I didn’t want to believe it, so I guess I just tried to pretend it didn’t happen.
    8 weeks in, I notice him starting to be totally unrealistic about cleaning and expectations. He lost his temper when I brought over a bunch of boxes of Christmas ornaments and began punching and kicking boxes, breaking my things. I stayed on. He ridiculed me about being too fat, too old, a single mom, not pretty enough, you name it. I got busy trying to be perfect.
    Over the next three years, I busted my a$$ trying to please him in every way possible. I worked three jobs sometimes to fulfill the financial demands he put on me to pay all of his utilities, for all groceries and entertainment…..while he sat back and pocketed his six figure salary. I did not want to give up my home until there was a commitment, and he was infuriated by this. I continued to pay for my entire household, plus all of the things he expected. I was ragged. He never seemed to appreciate it. Meanwhile, I worked out like a mad woman, trying to be perfect. It was never enough.
    Through it all, he was causing trouble, and I was scrambling to make things right. He basically conditioned me to do everything he wanted, and those things, no matter how hard I tried, were never good enough. I took some nasty physical beatings including a cracked skull, broken ribs, two broken noses. Yet, I never told a soul. I cleaned up the blood, and went on trying to please him.
    I was made to feel that I was lucky to be with him, and I became obsessed with the fear of him cheating on me. He had cheated on his first wife, terribly, with two different women, at the same time. And, he did it in her bed, in her house. So, three women at once. I should have vanished at that point, but he promised me that he was a changed man, wouldn’t do that to me, we were special, blah blah blah. I wanted to believe it, and so I did. He was very convincing.
    Later I found out that he moved one of these women into he and his wife’s house in the morning. When the wife got home, there was this younger woman, replacing the marriage photos with her family photos. I can’t imagine the pain that woman felt. I felt so bad for her, and he openly admitted that he had done these terrible things to her.
    I became so haunted with this information, it kept me up at nights. I was turning over every stone, all of the time. I have to travel a lot for work, and I would lay awake at nights wondering what was going on. Last summer, he proposed in grand style, I was ELATED and thought that everything would be okay. I was so thrilled.
    By the new year, he had a new set of undesirable friends. I was discarded in the cruelest way possible, I didn’t know what hit me. Totally sideswiped. I begged for him for ten days, and he finally agreed to go away for the weekend with me. We had a glorious weekend, he promised that everything would be okay. When we got back, he vanished on me for over a month, would not call me, nothing.
    After attempting suicide, I could not stand the pain of being without him any longer. I reached out, and we were back together immediately, however nobody could no about me. He kept our reunion secret from his family, kept telling me that I shouldn’t worry, we would let everyone know in time.
    We had about six glorious weeks. I took him on lavish weekends, made ridiculous efforts in the kitchen everyday from 4 am to night, trying desperately to make it okay. He would continually say I “had to get better” and I to this day don’t know what it was he wanted.
    In April I was discarded in another cruel vanishing act for a week, I was destroyed. I had spent about 10 grand in the 6 weeks taking him out, on trips, buying him whatever he demanded. He came back and said he wanted to work it out, that I was his love and he wanted to make it work and would never ever vanish one me again. He promised, told me not to worry. Three weeks later, he discarded me cruely again. He has not answered any communication since.
    I had been NC for about a month, hoping and praying for some way to fix things, that maybe he would come back again….like the first time. I was made aware this week, that he was flashing a new woman all over facebook and instagram, claiming she is the love of his life, etc. He is friends with relatives and family of mine, so I know this was his cowardly way to hurt me and make sure I was aware of his new girlfriend and apparent happiness. To say I’m gutted is an understatement. I’ve sobbed for days. I feel so betrayed….I can’t stop thinking about them together. Everyone says I should be glad to be away from the horrible mental and physical abuse (believe me I have left so much of the verbal/physical/mental abuse out of this story……but I don’t feel glad at all. I’m destroyed. I can’t sleep or eat. It’s a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
    I would tell anyone telling me this story to run away as fast as they can, but for me…..I’m stuck. I keep picturing him with her….it’s hideous. Can anyone offer advice?

    1. SF I don’t know if you still frequent this forum but my situation is very similar to yours. I am a wreck are you doing any better if so what did you do?

  40. Good day! This post couldn’t be written any better!
    Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate!
    He always kept talking about this. I will forward this write-up to him.
    Fairly certain he will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!

  41. Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all of us you really know what you are talking
    about! Bookmarked. Kindly additionally consult with my website =).
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  42. Every article I read on this tells you to STOP CONTACT what if you have children. For their sake things are to be made as easy as possible but you are subjected to this treatment for years after separation. In this case I can find no closure. What he has done to my sons perception of women is a sin. He pulled his vanishing act after I was in ICU for 30 days with no strength to fight him.

    1. Ugh, that is disgusting abandoning you when you were in ICU, targeting you when you are at your weakest. They love to do that that right? Either target you when you are at your weakest, so that they can then say …. see ya nothing you can do, I am off.,…. or they beat you down until and keep you at your weakest all of the time, so that they have full control.

  43. This post is for the family members of a loved one dating a sociopath. If you have finical control cut them off, social paths they will get board of their victim. Also you can call the phone company to block the socio paths number (if you pay their bills).Remember a sociopath goal is to isolate your loved one, make them feel like they can’t come to you any more (your the bad family member that rejects their happiness). While it may be hard to keep a open line of communication with your love one, make sure you do. This way they feel like they have a safe place to turn when things go south. Also if you can find a community for the victim to go to i.e.. – a church, temple or masque go. Feeling apart of something after will help her feel loved and supported. Last and more important never bring up the socio path she doesn’t need the mememories keep your communication open and loving.

  44. Hello,
    I spent the last 3 years dating what I thought was just a terrible person. It wasn’t untim recently that I decided it is time for me to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can’t make this relationship work. Then I got my answer… It has nothing to do with me instead I was dating a narcissist. For the last three years I have been broken up with at least 73 times. He went back and forth with me and his ex girlfriend for the longest time. Not only did this cause trust issues and pain, it was something he used against me that I could not let go Of his past and that I am ruining the relationship with my insecurities and beinf obsessed with his ex. I have been called a crazy person, and every other name in the book. I have been pushed, grabbed, bit, choked and had my hair pulled. I have been brain washed to think that the abuse did not happen or that the events happened differently and that I am making myself a victim and got the events wrong. Even with a huge bite mark on my cheek he denied that he bit me. Recently I have been broken up with by the narc because i have not changed and we are not meant to be because we cannot get along and it’s constant stress and too much to handle the relationship. I pay for everything and try and make sure that he is less stressed and has guy nights and is sexually satisfied. He tells me that sex is how he can express to me that he loves me. And if I don’t have sex with him I am ruining his sex life. I am a 23 year old whose life has been destroyed, who has anxiety and nightmares and is so insecure about herself. My friends always tell me that they would die for my looks and body and to be as kind and smart as I am. Yet I see myself as a girl who can’t keep a boyfriend and has to compete with other girls. Although I know that my ex is a narcissist I can’t help but wonder what if he doesn’t come back because it’s his choice and not because he’s a narcissist. I realize how wrong it is of me to think that or even hope he will come back because it will just be a cycle all over again… But I can’t find it in me to be okay and move on with these thoughts.. I have been destroyed, and while I am reading and researching my narc is our living life and luring his ex back into his life. He told me he doesn’t want me to disappear that he wants me in hisblife and to be friends and that I Can come over wherever I want… And when I did to go get all of my stuff he tried to have sex with me telling me he can’t help himself that he’s attraxted to me… I denied him and he said he doesn’t understand why I won’t just have sex with him it’s not like we haven’t been having sex for the last 3 years. He also said that he made his choice that we are done so it’s just plain old having sex no emotions involved. I pray to God to just get past this and find myself, live my life without this abuse. I try to find strength daily to not check up on him not text him, and blogs like these help by knowing i am not the only one.

  45. I met my N on the set of a community play. We are both actors. I’m a gay male, and he’s young and said he was “pansexual” but never been with a man. We had fun doing the play and hit if off quickly – probably too quickly. After one week he started calling me his best friend. We soon became inseparable and I found out about his abusive childhood. After a month we became sexual and it was his first time with another man. Unfortunately, he was in a relationship with a girl and she dumped him soon after we began another play. He then became suicidal and I did everything I could to cheer him up. The next 3-4 months where a rollercoaster ride. One day I was the “best friend he’d every had”, then the next he would act so cold- like he didn’t even know me. So silly me, I tried HARDER to please him. I tried to find fun things for us to do, bought him things, and yes- this is dysfunctional ( I know ), but I even slept with a woman for the first time in my life because he said it would make him happy and that if I learned to have sex with a girl, I could “Handle myself in an orgy situation”. Yes, I know what you’re thinking- are you crazy? But yes, looking back, I was crazy. I would have done anything for him really- partly out of fear he’d hurt himself, partly because I became very emotionally attached to him myself. It was a very very dark time now that I look back at it. I’m quite ashamed actually.

    Anyway, 2 months ago, around Valentine’s Day, his ex girlfriend orchestrated a whole video/guitar playing thingy to get him back. I could tell it worked because soon after he started blaming me for any little discomfort he was feeling. I’m guessing this was the devalue stage. He criticized me for being too nice, boring, poorly dressed, and made jokes of me being old. That really hurt my feelings.

    Anyway, one night, we hung out like normal and when I dropped him home, he hugged me and said “You’re my best friend”. He cut all communication with me the next day. I guess this was the discard phase. I was so confused. I left him texts and fb messages and they piled up so I stopped. I was so hurt that I blocked him on facebook cuz I could see he was active and seeing my messages but just was giving my the cold shoulder. I never got a clear answer until a month had passed.

    All he said was that I made him “uncomfortable and I was not understanding”. Geez I bent over backwards for him and walked on eggshells and he calls me not understanding – so confusing. He even got mad at me for blocking him on fb! Anyway, last nite I saw him at a movie premier and yup he was back with his ex girlfried. Sorry but I cried when I went home- a 40 yr old man crying in the bathroom. Sigh.

    It hurts to know that you care so much about someone to try to help them through a tough time, only to find out they didn’t care a thing about you. You were only a distraction until he could get his ex-gf back.
    And to go from one day to be so loving and the next just cut me out of his life completely – it’s baffling.

    So yeah, now that I know he’s back with his ex. I guess it’s all over. No more guessing what I did wrong, or if I could’ve done something better. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I just have to learn from this and try to keep moving forward. But first, maybe have one last cry and be done with it. Peace everyone.

  46. I recently was discarded by what I now believe was a sociopath. After advice from a therapist I went on to I went on a few dates and then met “him”. It seemed to good to be true. He was a single divorced dad of three. He was highly educated as was I and the conversation flowed with ease. We were both from New York and seemed to love all of the same things. He took his profile down after our first meeting, red flag now I know. He was so paranoid in the beginning I thought wow he really likes me. I let him purse and chase. We had wonderful dates and the chemistry was intense. He contacted me regularly. We sent each other pictures of our kids but they never met because we both felt it was too early. He told me all the time how perfect I was for him and sent songs every night for me to listen too. I fell in love. He went away on a business trip which I was invited to but could not attend because of work. He then changed. He kept contact and pictures but it was slightly off. The coward e mailed me a dump and said due to problems with his ex he had to end the brief relationship. He didn’t have the balls to meet me in person. To further bewilder me he e mailed saying he made a huge mistake and could we meet. I didn’t have a good feeling but said yes. He then responded we were finished. Within five days he was back in I am heartbroken and devastated trying to heal daily. Help

    1. The thing is with this one, he might just be a guy who got cold feet. Sometimes they just change their mind? Sociopaths don’t often put energy into something/one unless they want something, and rarely waste energy without getting something – be that money, sex, roof over their head, social status, or a prop to give an illusion to the outside world. He might have just been a regular guy who changed his mind, which is wrong, selfish and not very considerate of your feelings. At least you know now…. and can when you feel better meet someone who is not so selfish?

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