Sociopath -‘it’s your fault I lie – stop asking me questions’


As we know, Sociopaths do not feel ‘guilt’ ‘remorse’ or ‘shame’ for their actions. If you try to think about their behaviour with a normal analysis of YOU, you will only end up confused, and at a further loss as to why they can behave this way.

Sociopaths feel a sense of superiority over their victims. Being without conscience, they do not feel bad for their actions. They do not care about your needs, or how their behaviour is affecting you.

It can be very stressful being with a Sociopath, as they are not only compulsive liars, their lying is also pathological. This means that they lie, deliberately to manipulate, con and deceive their victims, for their own benefit. It is all an act. They KNOW what they are doing, they lie deliberately to deceive you.

From your point of view, you see it that they deliberately hurt you. From their point of view, they are remaining ‘hidden’. Sociopaths are very good at hiding. They hide from everybody. I was quite close to the Sociopath who was in my life. I think I saw the person that was behind the mask. Quite a few times, to see how he operated from the other side.

The duality of the Sociopathic brain

Most people function using only one side of their brain. Sociopaths, operate using both sides of their brain. Not only do they use both sides of the brain, additional to this, they are ’emotionally mute’ this means that they do not experience the full range of human emotions. Although they can feign to be more emotional than the average person. In fact, they could appear to be the most caring person that you have met in your life. They seem to be really ‘in tune’ with your emotions. This isn’t because they are feeling as you are, it is more that they are capable of reading other people. They have been reading people, and mimicking the appropriate response, being who YOU want to see, for a long time.

As Sociopaths use both sides of their brain, and are not held back by emotions, they are able to live a life, where they can be whoever they want to be. Often, and usually, they will be more than one person at a time. The relationship with the Sociopath in my life, went through many transformations. I saw him as many different people throughout that time. What was the most enlightening was during 2015. Another year when we were not together. We had split up. This time I was to see how he operated with another victim. What went on behind the mask.

Duality of the brain, is useful. However, it can also be confusing. This is why they have to keep people separate. Otherwise they forget who they are ‘playing today’.

An example of this, was that when he was with the new woman, he would become frustrated and not want to speak to me. this was because he had already donned a new mask, to her he was one person, to me another. In fact, I didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend, as he told me that had ended. Of course, it hadn’t.

Compulsive pathological lying

Lying is to the Sociopath, HIDING. Hiding is what they do best of all. They learned as a child that hiding was GOOD an that being OPEN and HONEST was bad. As a child, they learned that if there was honesty, there would be bad consequences for their actions. Perhaps they were overly punished. Perhaps they witnessed the father cheating on the mother. Perhaps they witnessed the father being a bully and the mother being a victim. These distorted views were shaped within childhood. Additionally aside from infidelity, if there is also any kind of addiction, like drugs or alcohol that is hidden from the outside world, this again, is a form of being hidden.

The child Sociopath learns, that to LIE is GOOD. to be HONEST is BAD. The child sociopath might have been overly punished, if they were honest. So they learned that to be accepted, they needed to be considered ‘PERFECT’.

The child sociopath learns that there is comfort behind the lie. The lie is the screen that they hide behind it is where they feel safe.

An example of this, in the final year that the Sociopath was in my life, he was unknown to me (well unknown in that he wouldn’t admit it), living a double life.

To me – he was a single guy, who was ‘sorting himself out’ he wanted space, and time to sort himself out.

To the other woman- he was living in a flat alone, was single, and he was her boyfriend

The reality was that he was living a double life.

Sociopaths get dupers delight from conning and deceiving people. Remember that two things are important to them

  • Being in control
  • Winning

What this ultimately gives them – is POWER and an ability to stop you from moving on with your life, it also keeps a dominance bond between you.

Remember, that to the Sociopath, life is just a game, and other people are merely actors in the game.

He would tell me

I am going to my mum’s on Thursday, I am taking care of my family, it is important for me to be there for them, as my step father is sick

The truth was

Due to his new girlfriends ex, and her children, he wasn’t allowed to stay at her house, at any other time apart from Thursday night.

He would also say, every day

I am just going to have a bath/shower, have something to eat, then lie in bed, and watch I player, I will call you before bed

The reality was

That he would speak to me, then he would call her, talk to her all evening on the phone, until he would say to her that he was ‘tired’ and ‘going to bed’ then he would call me. To him, this was completely fine, normal and acceptable behaviour.

If you challenged him on this, he would become angry, agitated and then would ACCUSE me of:

  • Restricting his freedom
  • Not allowing him space
  • Being suffocating
  • You are making me ‘ill’

He loved to use the words ‘you are making me ill’ ‘you are making me anxious’.  Of course, I would be an unempathetic bitch, for ‘not caring’ about his illnesses (of which there were many).

The last week that we spoke, he was angry and was telling me that he was about to ‘lose his job’ as he was on the phone too much at work. I don’t know how stupid he thought I was, but the truth was, he couldn’t cope with having conversations with TWO people at the same time. Otherwise, he would be detected and caught out for who he is. I knew the truth and reality and saw behind his lies, he was always invisible to me. So I would text him more, hoping that he would screw up and send the wrong text, to the wrong person. He did sometimes too, or a part of the text meant for her, was sent to me. I wished she could see the truth, one text he sent me, had half of the text meant for her, about her cooking him a cooked breakfast.

I could see the text for myself, as he was saying how he wanted, sausages, bacon, eggs, beans, mushrooms, toast, waffles. I mean, seriously this guy was really going to town. I knew that he must have complained that I didn’t cook amazing meals for him. Being keen to keep him she was offering him a banquet, after all she didn’t want to lose him and be like his crazy ex. She could do much better. He was loving this.

I did feel sorry for her, but knew, that like me, it is part of a journey of learning. It will probably be some time before she realises that he is duping and conning her.

What she didn’t know was that he was going to lose his flat. I think that he tried to keep his options open, as he didn’t want to become homeless. I was more fascinated by his psychology, by not being involved with him, I was able to see more about him, than I ever could when I was with him. She has what he wants, a roof over his head

His last text he told me that he couldn’t really text, as he had to go to the toilet, as work wouldn’t allow him to use his phone at work. Now I knew that this wasn’t true. He deliberately chose a job, where he could flat out text all day long and keep an eye on his target, making sure that she didn’t escape. He doesn’t stop being in contact all day long. I would stay awake all night, knowing that if he was asleep, I could at least have some headspace and think.

The Sociopath will have 100% focus and attention on their new victim, which can be mistaken for someone being hopelessly and madly in love. It isn’t this, this intensity of attention:

  • Keeps you under close control and ability to be monitored
  • Stuns the victim not giving them time to think
  • Presents a false illusion that they have met the ‘love of their life’ a ‘soulmate’ connection
  • Provides an opportunity for a perfect fit, mirror illusion

As he needed somewhere to live, as his rental was coming to an end, in his mind, he had weighed up the odds. She was a good target.

  • Recently divorced
  • Lonely
  • Had been cheated on
  • She had her own house
  • She was financially secure, with a good job, and the mortgage was in her name

Yes, I did feel sorry for her, but I had no way of contacting her. Even if I did, what would be the point? It would  only reinforce the lies that he had told about me. This would increase their bond, with her thinking that she had a more special prize than she thought she had.

I knew the reality of the prize she had obtained. It was more akin to a free loading idiot wearing a tin foil hat, than the knight in shining armour that she thought she had. Who was I to spoil the illusion? He would only use me for triangulation. I was interested in seeing just how he worked what went on behind the scenes? What was he hiding, and how did he hide, and why?

I learned something about the patterns of lying and hiding, and the dupers delight that they get from this.

They like to use a lie, that is similar to the actual event. The lie that they tell to you, will always place some burden of guilt on YOU if you try to investigate further. Here are some examples:

Telling me that on Thurs and throughout the weekend, he would be at his families house as they needed him, someone was dying of cancer (this bit was partially true, he did have cancer) – he would say I AM SUPPORTING MY FAMILY THEY NEED ME

Only on a Thursday this wasn’t the family he was going to. He was going to be with his other family. His new woman and her children, and staying at her house. Yes, I am sure that they also needed you.

What this achieves –

  • Makes you feel guilty for questioning
  • Gives them power and control
  • Has ‘some’ bearing on truth
  • Is their altered twisted reality that they are forcing you to accept

He then said ‘ I cant talk now, I am not allowed to use my phone at work, I will lose my job’ I am in the toilet at work.

Truth was, he was at her house, and in the toilet, as he wasn’t meant to be contacting me. Again this achieved the above to make me feel guilty

  • That he would lose his job because of me
  • That it was my fault that he was being forced to go to the toilet
  • That he was being a good person and abiding by the rules of work, and I was asking him to be a bad person and break the rules, getting him into trouble, this would be MY fault

Altered and twisted version of reality

This is how the Sociopath can keep up with their lies. Most of the time, as they

  • Compartmentalise and segregate people
  • Make you feel guilty
  • Pretending that they are being good and you are asking them to be bad
  • Keep the lie to a similar story (this is how they become the lie, and start to believe their own lies)
  • Get off on the power and control that they have over you – experiencing that high and dupers delight

Sadly, Sociopaths do not live the same way as other non Sociopathic people. They have no care or regard for the rights, welfare, of anyone other than themselves. I have lost count  of the amount of times that I was told

  • I am proud of who I am turning into
  • I am learning to be a moral man
  • I am learning my lessons

He was expert at giving the illusion, that he was either about to make a change, or was growing into the person he should be. A bit like a child in puberty about to grow up. Only he never really got there.

Sociopath and hiding a final word

I remember a time, when he really tried to manage his Sociopathy. He really did try to live, without hiding behind the mask.

I saw and witnessed, him slip away and hide back behind the mask. When he felt that he was losing me. Or it was over, there was no need to be his self. He was to go behind the mask, and would never return again in front of the screen. Once he was hiding again, he was gone.

Sociopaths feel safe and protected behind the lie. You won’t be able to coax them out. Inside they are insecure children, locked in a world, where they sat as a child, where they learned to hide. For hiding – was where the felt

  • Safe
  • Secure
  • In control
  • Powerful

When they are in control, they know nothing can go wrong. At least…… not for them anyway.

All rights reserved 2015

103 thoughts on “Sociopath -‘it’s your fault I lie – stop asking me questions’”

  1. One time when I confronted him the day after he’d been unfaithful he angrily snapped “I don’t have time for your insecurity”, I found the proof of my suspicions a week or two later in text messages I found.

    When I would refuse to talk to him, accept his excuses, or take him back, he would say “you just don’t understand mental illness, you have no compassion”.

    1. Yes they do this. Ranting and raging at you like you are the problem. Umm, no you have the right to know the truth, then get on with your life. Their lying cheating ways. Am sure he cheated on me the whole way through. They don’t care, its always what will give them the most benefit. That is the one that they choose, it has no bearing on true love or anything like that. Just ‘what is in it for them’ and they can REALlY go to town,… I saw part of the text that was meant to be sent to her. He was living like a king, having her cook for him, waiting on him – I thought I am glad you are not playing me anymore. It is a relief to be free.

      1. It is an amazing feeling. I have learned one thing, It isn’t about YOU letting go. Its about THEM letting go. That is when you are truly free. Until they let you go, you are not free.

  2. Were we dating the same guy? Mine was always sick and had a crazy fear of social media and privacy even tho we reconnected after 30 yrs on FB. No doubt he is back on using a fake name. I hope he knows I’m on this site. Yeah, I’m talking about you, Steve.

    1. They do tend to stalk you, if they haven’t let YOU go.

      They are great at playing the sickness card. Mine was always complaining that I was making him sick and anxious. Heh – I don’t think so. That was a decoy to hide behind.

      1. Yes me too. By the final year I was having daily panic attacks my brain was so brainwashed and mind controlled I couldn’t think for myself it’s taken the best part of this year to try to get my mind back straight. It wasn’t a pleasant experience and I know he will do the same to the next one only possibly worse to her.

      1. Wow, mine was also Steve, aka Dean a few deans actually but with different surnames! Then it was Chris!!)…could it be possible that……

  3. What about the narcisstic sociopath? I had been with a female narc at least for a year and was told that typically all narcs are sociopaths. She is a girl that I found out was married, but wouldn’t wear her wedding band so that she could get attention from men. A lot of what you were describing positivagirl I went through with a female narc. I just totally invoked “NO CONTACT.”

      1. Interesting. Then perhaps I was dealing with a sociopath, but I don’t think so. I think it’s most definitely narcissism.

      2. Sociopaths are hidden compulsive pathological liars. Sociopaths mirror you. Sociopaths have no conscience they never feel bad for their actions. .sociopaths are charismatic and charming.

  4. When you said he told you he was just going for a shower then watch tv in bed reminded me of how mine has done that for years. I know he was leading a double life (which I knew about anyway) and the other main girlfriend (who buys all his groceries, luxury goods etc.) was going to be on the phone or meeting him. I would say ok talk to you later. He would experience duper’s delight, but he didn’t realise he wasn’t duping me at all. I feel sorry for her. She’s married, her husband left when she got with mine, she believed his lies for 2 years so far. She thinks she’s his girlfriend. She is only one of many. She really thought I was history, ‘threw him out, cheated’ etc. (slander). Now he’s triangulating (her at least) by telling her I give him more money etc. Poor woman. At least I know he’s a sociopath. She just thinks he’s normal but cheats, She doesn’t realise I’ve know him 1- years and now I know he’s always used women for sex and money and hardly ever held down a job and been ‘ill’ everyday. I even saw a get well card from one of his many ‘girlfriends’ lol.

      1. lol. He thinks he’s the biggest prize ever. Whilst he was on dating sites talking to you he was also Facebook messaging female ‘friends’ and checking out his contacts on Skype before going out to a bar to check out the lucky bedmate for that night!

      2. I meant I’ve known him 10 years and been with him 24 hours a day at one point. She saw him once or twice a week for 2 years and ‘knows him really well.’ It took me 7 years seeing him everyday before the light bulb moment via googling. I knew he had a disorder but knew nothing of sociopaths.

      3. K is ten years older than me and at the time, I was only 18. I was new to the “adult life” and so I tried my best to stay open minded to everything that he would tell me. This psychopath is extremely intelligent. I misinterpreted his intelligence for wisdom. He did not hide the dating sites from me. He actually convinced me to make my own account because he wanted me to experiment with bisexuality. He showed me his fake facebook and email address. He would openly search girls in front of me. He told me the site was for “making friends”. He would come home hours late from work, claiming that he got held up and immediately rush to the bathroom where he would spend hours on his phone. He is a tech guy that masters encrypting literally everything he owns. I even found out that he had multiple phones. He had hidden cams around the house. Three cameras to be exact, one which would disappear while he would be away on a “business trip”.

  5. Gosh, so much of this is familiar. You know with the benefit of NC I look back and realize I really don’t know who the ex was or is. He moulded himself so much to my life that everything he did when I met him (and what attracted me to him) slipped away. I could never work out why but he always had a reason when I would ask. Yes, he was emotional, but the emotions were always excessive and disproportionate to the event or monent. He appeared to be the most caring, considerate man in the world. As you previously said positivagirl, he could charm the birds out of the trees. Totally! Yet when we broke up he was the nastiest imaginable. I have had a lot of breakups, but nothing ever came close to this one. I even said to him that I didn’t understand his behavior, it was like he was two different people. Of course he had met someone else but denied it, saying he was worried about his job, his health – “what if I have a stroke” and his state of mind, like he thought he might be clinically depressed. So many lies.

    1. Yeah they like to create space to build their new lives behind your back. Oh well he isn’t your problem anymore. She will never be in his life he will only be in hers..

  6. And yes, it is about them letting go. Because the onetime I tried to break off he was so so so sorry, so “let’s try again”, so “let’s give it one more go”. Then every so often he would throw it back in my face, the time I tried to break off. It made me feel horrible.

    1. oh my god….that sounds like my current boyfriend. He is nothing like my psychopath ex. I dont know why i have this odd feeling about my bf. Can you explain your ex?

  7. My sp broke off with me 4 days ago and I’m still reeling. After 4.5 years together, constant contact, daily catch ups – i feel desolate and empty. But i found out about his lies and cheating (well his online dating accouts) ovee the last 2-3 years so the last long years have been gruelling. I was trying to work out how to end it but still, his ending of it has gutted me.

    But there was alwats some elements of truth to all his lies, and he feels NO remorse! For ending so suddenly nor any if the millions of lies – big aNd small!!

    This site is helping me a.lot. I’m just a.mess

    1. So sorry for your situation and confusion. I was with mine 5 years but it took another 2 years and a lot of Googling to get to the lightbulb moment and subsequent self education and forums with fellow victims regarding sociopaths. It’s now almost 10 years since meeting. I have confronted him at times telling him he’s nothing but a conman, a covert prostitute (i.e. his customers think he loves them) when I could not control myself. He tries to hoover me back in, which I think is because he’s afraid of being exposed by me as he knows I’m onto him. His motive MONEY and SEX (addicted) and an EASY LIFE at other peoples’ expense. They confuse you with a grain of truth mixed in with the lies. I always keep in mind 90% of what he tells me is rubbish – lies.

      1. Same here. Motive money and sex. Just remembered mine was on a dating site because all these women kept popping up on the sidebar of his email – but he denied it and I believed him at the time. How stupid of me to be so trusting.

      2. They have no loyalty to anyone but they demand loyalty from you. They think it’s their given right to lie cheat and deceive while you are meant to be a loyal lapdog to them

      3. Mine’s on many many dating sites. I found out he always has been. I didn’t know for a long time. Thing is, he always comes up with lies and excuses as sociopaths do. ‘I don’t know how to unsubscribe’ or ‘somebody set me up and put my photo there’ or ‘when you made problems I was lonely.’ Notice ‘when you made problems’? Always always blame the innocent caring person. They are evil. I thought the abuse was bad when we were together, but after he left when he’d spent all my money the smear campaign was cruel. Terrible lies about me ‘cheating’ etc. He told his daughter he came back to the house for something after only a week and I was ‘already living with a man.’ Actually I met him in 2006, married him in 2007, we divorced in 2015 and I have still never been out with anyone else let alone unfaithful. Him? He gave me an STD when we were married and I counted 15 new ‘girlfriends’ since he left 3 years’ ago. They are hypocrites, liars, slanderers. By telling lies about the victims ‘bad behaviour’ they make themselves look like the victim.

    2. Joelene, so sorry to hear and know how you’re feeling. Same for me two months ago. Totally gutted. Had to go to doctor to get sleeping pills. Almost destroyed me. Breakup came out of the blue, so so nasty. It does get better. Stay no contact to give yourself space. These guys cultivate so much addiction by their controlling behaviour that you almost need to go into withdrawal. Always remember you deserve better.

      1. Oh Kate, I thought I had figured it all out, but your comment about the ex being on dating sites and blaming it on you for making trouble … mine did the same. Said he went on a dating site (well, the one I knew of) when I tried to break off and he was feeling lonely. All my fault! Omg, they are all the same.

      2. Oh Poppy there’s so much to learn. Basically I suppose they lead double lives and use people as much as they can – for money, sex, an easy life, food or even a lift in your car. They will say (mine everyday) I’m ill, bad back just to get you to clean their kitchen floor or go to a shop for them. But the victim is always to blame for everything. Obviously they aren’t but they have to make themselves look good and you look bad so that they can continue their parasitic lifestyles. They may have ‘friends’ but how many do they have for decades and how many hours do they spend with them? They keep on their mask of sanity and innocence so most people think they are so nice, which again makes the victim look bad. Mine said to many people that I threw him out. No – he planned it from the beginning. He lived off me entirely. I had to tell him my money was really low and that’s when he really upped the abuse. He created drama over nothing. He accused me of meeting men when he knew in reality I loved him and would never do what he was accusing me of. He was cheating, lying all the time but of course IT WAS MY FAULT. Yes. You have to educated yourself. It’s also very tempting to correct the slander about you. If someone says your ex says you cheated all the time when you never ever did, doesn’t it upset you? The same person will tell you that your ex has never ever cheated on you so why did you do it? When the opposite is true. He cheated constantly. You have to educate yourself by googling ‘sociopath’ ‘narcissistic sociopath’ and all the current names for this disorder. Oh, and by the way, don’t think you can ‘cure’ the incurable by being nice etc. No. He loves himself just as he is DISORDERED and winning.

      3. Kate I see that you mentioned the term “narcisstic sociopath”. A female friend of mine suggested to me that narcissists are sociopaths. What is your take on this Kate? I believe strongly that I was subjected for a year to what I believe was a female narcisstic sociopath.

    3. Hi Joelene, i think most of us on here feel exactly the same way, shattered, empty, heart broken, confused, angry, dissapointed, lost, wanting him to contact you, wanting to know what he us doing, him taking over most of your thoughts for most of the day….I Feel pretty much like a zombie! Like you, I found online dating accounts in different names and also found out he had met up and slept with some of them. I knew I had to leave but just couldnt. I guess the wanting answers, comfort and love for him (sounds pathetic I know!) Kept dragging me back. I never got honesty or any answers though and he continued to cheat throughout our ‘relationship’ even after I found out over and over again and each time confronting him about it and him watching me be bitterly upset and my heart break in front of him. In fact, he got worse with the online stuff as the years went on! The stuff he said to the women he was talking to and the photos he sent were disgusting and the complete opposite to the type of personality I knew him to have. He never said stuff like that to me . He was a different person online, both name and personality, especially when it came to sex. Anyway, I know exactly what you have been through and are going through now. Its damn tough. Its going to take everything you have got but hopefully knowing that you are not alone will give you some strength.And that from what the research and others experiences tell us he wasnt normal. Normal healthy men wouldn’t send random women seidy, smutty pictures when they were in a long term relationship and after they had been caught so many times already. Im not sure how long this will take to get over but im sure not going to get a pathetic, cowardly man like him (whom for some crazy crazy reason i still feel love for and it hurts to write this about someone i thought id be with forever!) Squash an intelligent, outgoing, loving and caring person like me!

  8. This article is so spot on of my life.He went into hiding again July 17. No contact. Thank you again for this forum. You and Thomas Sheridan, in Ireland, on my fb and he has youtube videos on sociopaths, have helped with my life. Bravo for writing a pinpoint perfect description of the inner workings of their thoughts.

  9. We have many mutual friends and I am friends with people that know his friends so why is he not scared that I will blow his cover and let them know exactly what he did-which could ultimately ruin his amazing reputation with these people? Why did he not think of that? Surely his friends, especially his female friends (many who are co workers) if they knew, would look at him a bit differently? Which in turn could potentially jepodise his new supply? ? Why does he not realise this? We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone in some way and i seem to know many people that know him or his friends!! ???????

    1. He told me secrets that would have ruined his reputation severely if anyone knew. He actually told me quite a few secrets. I wonder if they were all true. They couldn’t all be true, because some of his secrets would make my jaw drop. Only a true monster could get away with the things he told me that he did. Although proof was not not provided for some, his other secrets were true. He forced those secrets to become my secrets.

      1. Hey miss sunshine you know those confessions were likely lies. They do this in the beginning to build fake trust … so that you would open up about your secrets that he could later hold over you. Either using this information to control you or threaten you. Either one it would make you live in fear. There he has you where he wants you. I would place money on it that it was all lies they are secretive. Very very secretive and private.

  10. Oh god, Jen, I thought I would be with mine forever, as well. I thought he really loved me, more than anyone before, and that we would never part. I thought the outrageous flirting was just him spreading his charm, I thought the online dating stuff was harmless fun, I thought the women calling him were just being crazy (like he’d say) though in the end I ended telling him they wouldn’t keep calling if he hadn’t encouraged them. Part of me still misses him though a bigger part of me is disgusted by aspects of his behaviour and cruel things he did. There’s no going back for me because of the lies (and he has a new girlfriend anyway). I feel so betrayed because I didn’t question anything for most of the time we were together (8 years). I’ve mentioned this before here, but his parting comment was “see I didn’t die” (I had told him at the start that I was reluctant to get involved because everyone I had loved had died) … then he stopped and said “but pretend I’m dead”, hopped in his car and drove off. That’s it. After 8 years. I’m sorry to say when I met him he was trying to “set free”, as he put it, from an “emotionally abusive” wife. I felt so sorry for him, but these guys thrive on pity.

      1. Totally, they draw everyone into their pity play and they do it so convincingly without any shame. That’s their game. It’s totally disarming, especially when coupled with their charm. So easy to see how we get sucked in.

  11. My daughter, age 48 and recently divorced, has fallen head over heels in love with a guy she met on a BDSM site. Now, after “knowing” him for about three months and after being with him in person for about four times, she is ready to give up everything she has worked for and relocate to live with him.

    He says all the right things, including telling her that the reason he travels so much is that he is a field rep for the National Council of Churches and never knows from one day to the next where the organization will send him. He also brought her flowers the last time they got together, and since her former husband had NEVER done anything like that, she is totally convinced that he loves her madly.

    My daughter was molested by my ex husband when she was aged 11-13. I turned the s.o.b. in and got a divorce when I caught him with her. I adopted her when she was 3, and she had been placed in one foster home after another. She had been born with fetal alcohol syndrome, and she has always been vulnerable to predators. Guys seemed to zero in on her vulnerability, her neediness, when she was young, and I believe that is still happening.

    Because she is an adult now, I feel powerless to help her with her decisions regarding this man. I have told her how I feel, but I know she is going to do what she wants to do. Yesterday, I let her know in no uncertain terms that if I were in her position, I would not make the same decisions she is making and that this is a potentially very dangerous situation she is getting herself into. I also let her know, however, that I will always be here for her and will never abandon her. If the situation turns bad, she knows she can come to me, although I cannot help her financially. I can, however, be here for her.

    I got my divorce in 1983 and at the time told myself that life has a lot to offer besides romantic relationships with men. I am 76 now and have never even dated. I don’t regret that because life does, indeed, have much more to offer than relationships with men. I’ve had a wonderful career in teaching, and now I do a lot of volunteering in addition to writing essays and blogging. The point, however, is that I have a lot of difficulty relating to my daughter’s need for a romantic relationship. In this case, do you think I am overly suspicious of this guy and overly concerned about the possibility that the guy might be another predator? I know times have changed since I was 48 and that women and men moving in together is regarded more casually than it was when I was her age, but this situation really has me worried. Should I be??

    1. UPDATE: I now have accurate evidence that the man discussed above has lied to my daughter about his place of employment and the sort of work he does. I’ve given this information to my daughter. I’ve told her that I know she will be angry with me for checking the guy out, but better she be angry at me than lying on a slab in a morgue. I’m sure he is a predator preying on women who are vulnerable, as my daughter is. He most likely is a sociopath.

  12. Mine I know was on hot or not from the day we met. Said also he didn’t know how to get rid of it, his mate put him on there etc.
    I should’ve seen the red flag flying high but I was happy and dismissed it as harmless fun.

    Since then I discovered dating sites, porn sites, gambling sites. Good job he’s earning more now to keep up those subscriptions seeing i’m no longer around to fund it all.

  13. JetFire – Mine is a sociopath. A conman, especially a romance conman to vulnerable women. No conscience. No empathy. Lots of hidden stuff. Compulsive liar. Parasite. Sex addict. Nomadic. Starts a job (when the women don’t give him enough money) and finishes it within weeks. Always ‘ill’ everyday to play his never ending pity card for sympathy. Slanderer. All his ex’s are cruel to him (!) when actually they’re the kindest most loving, usually innocent women. All his women are ‘on file’ to be hoovered in when his supply is running low. Abusive, especially if challenged or confronted. Uses people all the time. All his relationships whether for sex or just platonic are based on using them for his own benefit. I don’t know about a narcissistic sociopath but I think sociopaths have some degree of narcissism too. At least mine has. He craves attention. His appearance is very important and needs reassurance about it.

    1. Kate, excellent breakdown. If you cross reference sociopathic behavior and narcissism there are a few points that overlap. Lack of empathy, using people for your own gain (ie. interpersonally exploitive), hidden stuff (well that could be any disorder), nomadic, yes the exes are all labeled as “cruel” when they are the most nicest and loving people. Throw in with mine focusing on beauty to the extreme, laughing at others pain, belittling comments, actions never matching up with words, absolutely devoid of any “real” feeling at all, I was a narcisstic supply. Was an extension of her (ie.Had to watch ALL of her movies, go where she wanted all the time. Never where I wanted to go.) So my friend who has a narcisstic mother says that narcs are really all sociopaths.

      1. Yes that’s familiar to me too. It feels like all decisions are theirs – where to go, what to do – I never got to watch tv programmes I enjoyed. He loves football (soccer) and I don’t watch it normally, so if it was on tv that was all that was on! Now he’s left I watch what I like and live in peace. Great. No walking on eggshells. No stonewalling. That was a favourite punishment (for me caring for him) and the longest he went was 8 days. I had to email a friend to find out his problem then eavesdrop on a phone conversation. I turned out to be nothing. He said I lied and my daughter lied when I’d called her 8 days before. It was part of his plan to move on when my money was not so much anymore. Laughing at another’s pain is awful. It could be because they’re always jealous so if they see somebody in pain they think they’ve won. That’s one theory anyway. Since reading about ‘reptilian eyes’ I’ve noticed how his are just that. There’s no response to negative or positive news or comments. Ice cold regarding emotions too. I once counted on purpose when I realised he had a disorder – he never hugged or kissed me for a whole year (he must have forgotten the mask of sanity he had to use!). I was humiliated many times when I asked him for a hug and he complained ‘you’re always asking for hugs.’ If all sociopaths are like mine then they are totally devoid of caring for anyone except themselves.

  14. Oh my gosh Kate! I’m horrified of what you went through as this is sounding more and more like my situation. And it says that narcissists are typically jealous of others. I’d make comments about what I’m doing and what my family was doing and it was either a cold response of how do they have the money to do that or I’m jealous. Very cold responses indeed. Never happy for others. Kate I think your theory is spot on with jealousy. Your hugging and kissing situation that you described-ditto for me. What is making my skin crawl and absolutely mortified is that the woman that I was with, most likely was planning these things while sitting next to me on my couch or across from me at dinner. And the eyes part!!! I couldn’t believe it when I read what you had to say because she would ear these contacts every so often that looked reptilian. It wasn’t that often, but from time to time it was. This is so scary…

    1. You’re right it is scary. Beware the reptilian eyes! They lie with ease and no guilt. I read they can pass lie detector tests because they don’t react with emotion. They are also brilliant actors. All they really deserve is an Oscar. They go through life leaving a trail of heartbreak and ruined finances. The victim is left in shock, emotional pain and many questions – how could a normal, intelligent person fall for the con? Anyone can. 2 of my ex’s mistresses were school teachers. I suppose we have to look for something positive to get over it. We’ve learnt a harsh lesson in that there are evil people out there and we are determined it won’t happen again.

      1. My friends are concerned that I’m giving off a certain vibe toward types of women and the bad ones are coming my way. You want to believe that “EVERYONE” is good in this world, but I have been through this situation before plus an individual who is a recovering codependent and I just start to believe that this has been part of my life for so long that I don’t know anything else. I don’t expect anything else. You get on guard and you begin to wonder…I do thank God that my fiancés havenever been affected and no children have come along. Thank You Lord.

      2. Creepy. I had never noticed anything (why would I?) but my teenage son quite independently of anything said the other week that the ex, who I still can’t believe was sp, was “satan”. I asked him what he meant and he said “his eyes”. I never saw anything like that, but kids pick up on things adults often (choose to) miss!

      3. Poppy, they say that the eyes are the key to the soul. If the eyes appear dark with no iris, then that can even be a “sign” of “possible” demonic possession. I forgot to mention that my narcissistic sociopath did make a comment once about being a dark person. I said “What?” And her rebuttal was, “Oh I mean that I stay up late and into the night.” She claimed all of the time about stay up until 2-4a.m. all of the time, while having to get up for work between 6:30-7a.m.

  15. We have many mutual friends and I am friends with people that know his friends so why is he not scared that I will blow his cover and let them know exactly what he did-which could ultimately ruin his amazing reputation with these people? Why did he not think of that? Surely his friends, especially his female friends (many who are co workers) if they knew, would look at him a bit differently? Which in turn could potentially jepodise his new supply? ? Why does he not realise this? We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone in some way and i seem to know many people that know him or his friends!! ??????? Does anyone know why this might be?

    1. Not sure Jen. It could be a mere attention thing or such over confidence that it’s all of my friends vs. you. It could be a thing like, “Look at me! I’m taking the high road and you’re not.” while all the time they know that they are the ones causing the problems and pain. THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING. If you have physical evidence and proof then that’s a whole different story, but it’s all about the mask. Now you say Jen, his NEW supply, that to me is suggesting a narcissistic sociopath. If this is the case they’ll take the attention whether it be positive or negative. It’s all about attention with the narc sociopaths. They have to be the center of attention.

      1. Thanks for your help. I say NEW supply because im assuming that he has already got a new girl. Im basing this on the no contact for 2 months and the extent of online dating/texting/ flings he had when we were together. Im not 100 percent sure of a new supply though. Its interesting that you mention about having evidence. Once i recorded him talking with me about why he had cheated etc and he went insane! He ran off in a rage!!! He wouldnt speak to me until i had deleted the evidence….i swear he would have broken my phone or deleted himself in some way or another if i hadnt. I guess that would have blown his cover.

  16. Gosh, very unwholesome. See what you mean about the eyes. I can’t possibly imagine mine was possessed in any shape or form but obviously I missed a lot of red flags. Certainty staying up half the night then getting up at the crack of dawn would most likely have made your ex foul. Of course, she may have been lying. SPs are good at that. Second nature!

  17. Positivagirl, what do you think about the comment I made about him not worrying that we have mutual friends and the potential for me blowing his cover….???

    1. Jen, not sure what positivagirl will make of this, but to me it seems that having no conscience they carry on regardless without the limitations and misgivings normal people have. I just found out from a mutual friend that my ex had borrowed thousands from him nearly two years and made no effort to repay. Even wanted to buy something off him during that time – using money he’d already borrowed from him. How nuts is that. I’m at my wits end with my ex – now that his past is catching up with me.

  18. mine was very very clever and twice managed to bring to old and new partners together.The first time i was the new partner who came around to see the old lazy good for nothing waste of space.The second time i was the good for nothing stalker who was shown to the new victim.,The only time she got the masks wrong was the last time we had sex , when i actually had to stop and ask her why she was being so different ,Sociopaths are just so good at pulling strings behind the scenes

      1. hahahah…today I saw her really expensive vw camper van broken at the side of the road……well guess who wont be fixing it this time ,,,,,,joy

  19. Hi positivagirl, not been on here for a while as I’ve been working and trying to take one day at a time, then bang !!! He made contact with me today, he randomly said to leave him alone and stop putting posts on my Twitter about him, even though I don’t follow him on there, he also said I was looking up his profile on LinkedIn, but it was him looking at mine as it come up with his profile on my page, he then proceeded to say that I was an attention seeker and I want people to feel sorry for me, and he said that he’s happy on his own with no one, I just told him to stop playing the victim and accept what he did to me, for him to say that he did nothing to me, it was me who was the crazy one, what is it with them ? I’ve left him alone and now this and his last message to me was, I won’t ever talk again, leave it as that please. Why the mind games ? I’m so upset now 😥

  20. Can anyone please give some examples of different types of silent treatment or the cold shoulder? Ive read that a narcassists silent treatment can come in many differents shapes and sizes and they carry it out in their own way. I lived with mine so it was hard for him to disappear for days. He never just disappeared and would answer his phone when i rang. He did cheat alot and used different names and had different sim cards. he did hold grudges, and when we fought he would often just drive off for a few hours or go on a long walk and i would have to beg him to come back to which he eventually would….are these examples???

    1. Hi Jen. So sorry to hear about the cheating, different names, and sim cards. How heart breaking. Honestly speaking and being forthcoming, driving off for a few hours, going on a long walk, I believe and I have read, that this is actually healthy. If he comes back on his own then that would be OK, but I don’t believe it’s a healthy thing to beg him to come back. If given enough time most likely he’ll come back on his own. He might just need to get away, process, and heal. Not sure about the other cold shoulder methods a narcissist employs on others. I hope I didn’t offend you with my response. Just trying to look at things in truth. I could be wrong.

  21. you were talking about the ‘narcissist (sp?)sociopath’ and my research has stated that all sociopaths are narcissists as they have no conscience and everything they do or say is to benefit them at the expense of others. Not all narcs are sociopaths…..just selfish, demanding pig-types who must be the center of attention & admired at all times!

    1. Interesting. I had to laugh at your “pig-types” sentence. The trouble though with saying that all narcs are NOT sociopaths to me in my opinion is a fine line. This is because they lack empathy, Let me ask you and anyone else reading this, “If someone is a narc and they make the statements that they are emotionally elusive and with anything that is emotionally said they run the other way or they do not respond to emotional statements, what is your take on this?

      1. The difference between a narc and sociopath is that the narc does care, but only about things that somehow relate to his/herself. For instance, J was extremely upset when her husband became chronically hospitalized after a bad accident. She would cry to everyone about what stress she was under even though she was too busy to ever visit her husband due to all of her cocktail parties. Although, her actions are selfish, she would never intentionally hurt her husband or anyone else for that matter. If J was a sociopath, she would have just filed for a divorce after her husband became hospitalized, because her crippled husband would be worthless to her. She would not choose to pour all of her savings into keeping him hospitalized. If J were a psychopath, she would have convinced her husband to end his life since its already over anyway, and then she would have left him dry on his deathbed.

  22. I believe i was with two narcs before my last 6 yr relationship with a sociopath. I agree with positiva that there’s a significant difference. IMO, the Sociopath is far more severe and cunning. The number one trait that i’ve identified is their malicious “intent to harm.”

    I’ve been NC for two years…..i wish i could say how much better my life is. So far all i can say is that it’s calmer but mostly cuz im dead on the water. He made sure there’d be no ‘movin’ on’ its almost like being paralyzed. With sociopaths the worst seems to come after the discard when the truth comes out in an endless dribble of horrid revelations.

    I like many others feel like utter crap when i see or hear how well he’s doing with his young, pretty, blonde new supply. He seems to treat her like a princess & declares it to the world. They say who knows what’s happening ‘behind closed doors’ but i’m trying to say that one on one he was often calm and normal. Most of the worst abuse was always in front of others, he needed to have an audience. It confused me that he KNEW they’d side with him when i was sure that most of them would see the injustice & abuse.

    I thought he actually liked me, that we were friends even if he wanted out or met someone else. Because we had been through so much and I never let him down or cheated. People talked such trash to me saying he treated me so bad BECAUSE he didn’t like me & i should’ve known that. So I’m just pathetic & obsessed, couldn’t handle being dumped etc….he can’t get rid of me,,,he loves her…even had friends who said who could blame him who wouldn’t want that. He’s still with this 22yr. old-he’s 40.

    I’m having to start over from nothing in pretty much all areas of my life and while his life is great….mine still sucks and i have not been able to get any traction….I always have been able to take of myself and didn’t depend on any man or my parents.

    Now i have trouble remembering any of the good things i’ve done and seem to believe that everyone sees me the same way he did….I haven’t been able to do anything to show how wrong he was.

  23. Hi JetFire…wow you just described my experience. This is my first time posting, gotta make them shorter. lol I really noticed this emotional elusiveness. He’d always say he didn’t like to be touched because of being abused as a child. Anything and everything relating to emotional issues or this feeling he was withholding from me was met with something like…”don’t start your sh#t with me.”

    1. How absolutely cruel guppie. See to me that’s the red flag of red flags right there. If someone has no emotions or they claim that they are elusive or whatever that immediately signals (2) types of persons in my mind, a sociopath or a psychopath. Then I just say run for the hills. If he was abused as a child, then was it his mother or what are the details because that’s just a cop out. I also had a very short 2 month relationship where a girl was extremely cruel to me and she said the same thing that she wasn’t interested in me and that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Say what??? What do you think it does when you make fun of someone’s appearance or that clothes that they’ve had for a year supposedly are NOT good enough. You don’t think that’s going to hurt someone? So talk about illogical and irrational thinking. I would encourage you to also look at the “NARCISSTIC SUPPORT” videos on youTube. They are phenomenal and very insightful. The gal has 42 red flags of narcs and it will validate a lot of what you went through.

  24. I tried talking to my ex Sociopath’s sister about what was happening….(another mistake cuz family is blood) but she did ask me if I had “seen his Charlie Manson eyes?” …..ONLY THE WORST SERIAL KILLER IN RECENT HISTORY! i laughed and said ‘oh, is that what you call them?” OMG what an idiot i am, Yes i sure had seen them. When i asked if he’d ever abused a woman….they said oh no, he knows how to treat a girl, so i began to think it was just me that got the abuse because i didn’t rate, wasn’t enough of an asset to his ‘image’ or just not the one he really loved.

    1. I just finished watching one of the red flags of narcissistic behavior is that you begin to question your own behavior. If you start asking other friends and family if this is normal behavior. If you find yourself googling things to get answers, then that alone tells you that something is wrong with their behavior toward you. It’s a red flag, whether it’s pertaining to a sociopath or narc.

  25. JetFire…thank you for talking to me! A first for me…i have been reading and lurking everything possible on these sites and you tube for about two years and like you say it does help. Im just still hating myself for my part in it. And i really went down….face down cuz i started to hang out with them and do all kinds of stuff i had never done before to prove i was tough. I sure am ashamed of that. But BEFORE that he was saying, “I used to think you were good, but now I know you’re a piece of shit just like the rest of them.”
    I really began to believe this. Also….i was in a very rough situation….no where i could go

  26. He also always surrounded himself with these new “insta-buddies” who’d suck up + agree with whatever he said…always 2 or 3 against one laughing and smirking at me. But the worst was when he moved first one, then another of these derelicts from work into this tiny one bedroom house….basically forcing me out of the home where i lived in a town where i didn’t know anybody. After we put all our money to this move that would help HIM start over. I left after 3 months for the first time when he said I was being greedy & selfish to ask him how long they’d be there. I had no privacy or time with him ever….they were always there 24/7 like slaves acting like they saw was soooo very weird.

  27. Oh that did help…the fact that i was asking others about it and looking up everything says that there was something wrong going on. I struggle alot with wanting proof that he might have been sick or had real problems. Very smart, very convincing. I didn’t have any witnesses for my side. I don’t have any children either.

  28. I kind of hate myself that i needed some love and a feeling of belonging….that i had a hard life i was trying to overcome. Most of all because, as you see, the crumbs he offered were just about microscopic. I cringe!! but in private he’d dose me with just the right thing for me to accept it.

    1. That is called dosing. It’s where they give you the bear minimum just to keep you hooked but able to be manipulated.

      1. JetFire….like your name. I’ve got to laugh because it’s obvious that you are a kind and thoughtful person. (mmm delicious psychopath bait!) lol. I always thought they didn’t see it, so of course we’d try to prove that we really were good, not like the ‘bad’ ones that screwed them over in the past.

        Its a perfect trap. And as pos says, they do repeat this tactic over and over. In Stout’s book “The Sociopath next door” one of their primary traits is their willingness to play the victim.

        I don’t seem to recognize when I’m being manipulated. Ever.

  29. also think female sociopaths are the worst. one trait i noticed is their vicious personal expert shaming of things you take for granted…like your clothes, your looks, the way you interact with others, the way you talk, your interests or habits….just excruciating

  30. JetFire,,,,like your name….I have to laugh because already i can see what a kind and thoughtful person you are.(mmm delicious psychopath treat!) lol. I thought he couldn’t see my good traits because they act we don’t have any or that the ones we have are pathetic and weak. That super-narc girlfriend sounds like a sociopath. Nothing worse than a female in my opinion and I’m realizing that my mother might have been one.

    A signature trait was this expert knife-sharp shaming of things you take for granted. Like your clothes, personal habits, the way you talk, the way you move, eat, drive, think or the way you deal with others or worse

  31. Mine was leading a total double life…he was married and living in the suburbs of Chicago…an Executive of a big company and living the high life. A GORGEOUS MAN…on the outside…but so evil on the inside. He was so egotistical and always drew a lot of attention to himself by wearing perfectly coordinated Italian suits, the Rolex, the Louis Vuitton shoes…etc etc. He expected me to dress perfectly too and said he valued “elegance” over just about anything. Later I found out he had been meeting all kinds of women on social media sites (which ironically he claims to DESPISE)! His Twitter account is filled with nothing but disgusting PORN sites. He lied about EVERYTHING…told me he had a 12,000 sq foot house in St John and that he flies there on NetJet…turns out he vacations at a resort there a couple of times a year and gets there the same way most people do…commercial jet. His poor wife must be completely unaware about the MULTIPLE affairs he has had over a course of 16+ years of marriage. Or maybe she does know and she’s afraid of him. He has a HORRENDOUS temper and used to threaten me by saying “This will NOT end well for you….” any time I questioned ANYTHING. He had a SHORT FUSE and would start fights for no reason whatsoever just to make me feel crazy. My breaking point came when I learned he was married! It later became clear to me that he was seeing many other women too. He makes me sick and I hate his guts!! We would travel together and would see each other in various places around the country under the guise of him having a “business related reason for being there.” Every night he would mysteriously leave the hotel room right before bed…obviously now I know it was to call his loyal wife back at home. He wined and dined me at 5 star restaurants and bought me all kinds of gifts, but in the end I figured him out and dropped him like the bad habit he was! Even many MANY months later I am still in a state of shock at the way he treated me and so many other victims.

  32. I have just had a very unsettling email, immediately I turned to this site again to find clarity – and there it is! “Compartmentalising”. I have written here before, my SP has been dead for nearly six months, today I had an email from his sister. I hardly know her, I can’t stand her, she caused trouble for me and for his ex wife. My SP also claimed that he couldn’t stand “the woman” as he referred to her, with many rude comments about her size and appearance. However, in this email she is upset remembering how last year they spent the day putting up her Christmas tree, and is not sure that she can bear to put one up this year, unless her husband helps her. She tells me she has a puppy, and named it after the SP’s childhood nickname. This woman did nothing for her brother, she dumped him on strangers when he was homeless, she dumped him 200 miles away on the streets of a town close to where he and I once lived, that was at. Christmas time. She acts now like a lover who has been bereaved. She always had a strange relationship with him, I thought that from the start, and was jealous of his girlfriends and ex wife. It is glaringly obvious to me that he treated her like a lover to her face, no doubt telling her how much he loved her, she needed this because her husband is cold and disinterested. She is a hypochondriac too. She has never had children. To her face he adored her, behind her back he despised her – or appeared to because he knew I didn’t like her. He also did this with family generally. I once met his sister when we both visited him in hospital at the same time. I had understood that he had no contact with her – I was so angry I walked off, but he ran after me and she disappeared. I have decided that the No Contact rule applies to all his family too especially her, it’s remarkable that his lies and two-faced deceit continue to affect me even though he’s dead. I won’t say anything to his sister, because 1) I don’t care 2) she wouldn’t believe me 3) it just stirs up the past and I want to move on.
    I just wondered whether incest is a feature of sociopathic behaviour? I know that his wife suspected their relationship, thinking it odd. Also his sister does everything for attention, so maybe, as a known troublemaker, she has SP tendencies too!
    But thank you Positvagirl for once more highlighting an area of the sociopathic mind that helps to delineate and define the one who has affected my life. Lana x

  33. These entities for me are like instruments, vehicles managed by demons. If you look at them in their eyes you could tell how evil they are. Get them mad and you will see the devil in person. 🙂 The only way these demons are afraid of you is to be protected by the armor of God. You better be ready for a fight!

    1. Have you noticed the cold ‘reptilian eyes?’ Also, if something really serious happens they don’t react as a normal person does. They take it in their stride like it’s nothing.

  34. I think my experience with a psychopath is the worse, It’s a long story, but for real these entities are real smart and they will enchanted you with their beauty and smooth talk, Mines used me for almost 9 years and after divorcing her she hates me for it and she’s going out of control out there in each media site you can imagine (Be careful with those) She already has a target….I fell sorry for that guy I meant it! He got no clue what is the real reason she’s targeting him? YES, STATUS QUO MONEY!!!!!!! BTW I didn’t realized that this type of behavior fall under psychopath but for me are people possessed by demons.

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