Establish NO CONTACT!

When the relationship comes to an end. You will find that trying to move on with your life, is almost impossible, as you are sent relentless emails, texts, contact on social networking sites, and even turning up at your home.

Remember earlier, when he bombarded you in the beginning, it is the same now, at the end. Only this time the bombardment is negative, spiteful, relentless anger and venom. You can be left feeling that there is nothing left of you, an empty shell, how are you going to cope? You don’t even have enough strength to fight back anymore. You feel dead inside.

no contact 2

Establishing No Contact

When the relationship with the sociopath (or with anyone with a disordered mind) comes to an end, it is important to establish No Contact. No contact means:

  • Do NOT open emails
  • Block their number from your phone
  • Do not read texts
  • Block them from your social networking sites
  • You might decide to go no contact with mutual friends too – as it is about cutting contact
  • Put all memories of them, photos, gifts, anything associated with them in a box, and put it away
  • Have no contact,  no communication at all, if you get tempted, call a friend instead, or do something else, the urge will go

It means to have absolutely no contact at all. This can be quite frightening to do. Especially if this person has isolated you from people who were close to you. You might feel that he has become your life, after all he worked so hard to be the centre of your world.

You might feel that he is all that you have left in your world. But remember with him, you had nothing anyway. it was all an illusion. All a lie, designed to manipulate you, control you and use you for what they needed. So, really you are losing nothing.YOU CANNOT LOSE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE!

It is likely that attempts to make contact will escalate when you try to escape fully. But keep going.

The benefits of establishing No contact:

  • You will focus your energy on healing you
  • Your ex will not be able to hurt you further
  • You will seek out support for YOU and not be reliant on your ex
  • You will let go, and start to move forward
  • You will find you have TIME to pursue hobbies for YOU
  • You will have time to meet new friends
  • Most importantly you are giving yourself TIME to heal

Enjoy this time, be self indulgent. Right now, probably for the first time in a long time, you can focus on YOU, on your needs. As likely for a long you had been focusing your energy on someone else.

Establishing no contact, is the quickest way to heal. If you hold on, the only outcome will be further damage, further abuse, further control of your life. You will only delay thee inevitable   So, break all contact. Get your sanity back. Get your space back.

First step you need to take

Make sure that the final contact with your ex is that you say ‘this relationship is over, and I no longer wish to be in contact with you further. I am telling you not to contact me further on xxx date and at xxx time, do not contact me, face to face, by email, text, calls, social networking”  Explain that you now need time alone to heal and recover. Warn that if he does not give you this time, it would be considered harassment, and the police could be called.

What happens if I break No Contact?

If you break no contact, it is like smoking a cigarette when you have quit smoking. You go back to square one. Breaking no contact can make you feel bad. If you do give in to temptation, it is likely that you will regret it, as you will have to start again. But if you do, don’t beat yourself up about it.  Try to put it behind you, and start again.  Breaking no contact will not make you feel better, it will likely make you feel worse. Sometimes you have to experience this a few times to understand that breaking no contact, is only going to cause you further pain.

What if my ex contacts me?

It really depends what he wants. If you have children together, establishing totally no contact might be difficult to achieve. Make sure that you keep contact to a minimum, and keep communication business like, nothing else. If your ex needs something try to arrange for someone else to be at home, so that he can collect. Otherwise, if you do not have have children together. Block anyway that he can make contact with you.

  • Block telephone number on your phone
  • Block email address
  • Block and delete him off your social networking sites (and do this before he can block you)

What if you see them out? 

If you have to, just wave and keep on moving. There is no need to be in contact with your ex. If he tries to talk to you, make your excuses, and keep on walking. No contact means no small talk, nothing.  He is no longer a part of your life.

He will not stop hounding me!

This is harassment if you have sent the warning text, giving time date and asking to no longer contact you, depending where you are in the world, call the police and make a complaint for harassment

He is telling lies about me – I want him to stop! 

Unfortunately this is part of the course with a sociopath. The best way to make him stop is to completely ignore him. It will be tough going for a while, but try to stay close to those you trust, and away from those you do not. You might find at the end that you lose some’ friends’…. but to be honest, if they do not believe in you, then this is no big loss.

This is really hurting, I want to contact him! 

DON’T!!! – Tips to do when you feel like this…..

  • Call a friend
  • Google ‘sociopath, psychopath’ read as much as you can, this will empower you
  • Go to the gym, or do something active, exercise helps release endorphins
  • Do something else
  • Write about how you are feeling – keep a diary or set up a blog, whenever you feel like calling, write instead
  • Find online support forum, talk to others who are going through the same as you. This will empower you

He owes me money – or has stolen from me, I want my things back

It is unlikely that you will ever get back what he has stolen from you. Let it go to hold on, will just create further loss.

I want to know why? Why has he done this? I need him to know he has hurt me

This is futile, you will not get answers from him. Read all you can about sociopaths online. Find support forums, where others can understand this ‘crazy’.

He doesn’t care that he has hurt you. He only cares for himself. If he pretends to care, he is lying.Talk to someone who really does care.

 Top tips

  • Keep busy
  • Focus on you
  • Take one day at a time
  • Yes it will hurt, but it will hurt more if you keep having him in your life – HE will hurt you
  • Write
  • Do exercise
  • Catch up with people you haven’t seen for a while
  • Try to find online support groups
  • Read as much as you can (it is healing)

Good luck, and remember, that the one thing that the sociopath did, was take full control of your life. So take back your control. It will help and it will give you back the power over YOUR life.

Copyright 2013

146 thoughts on “Establish NO CONTACT!”

  1. its been four days since he walked out and discarded me. monday night he left, wednesday i tried to reach out to him, i sent him a text which he did not respond to, i called him from another number and he pretended not to hear me. i tried calling back over and over he did not answer, eventually he put his phone off! i felt worse. i have not contacted him since. the urge was overwhelming at times, the pain immense, i have so many questions, but i know that he cant and wont answer it because he never could even when we were together. i go up and down with my emotions throughout the day. i have been crippled and semi functional these past four days, i even had to book time off from work to try to get through this. we work at the same place and next wednesday i will have to face him. i think he will stay away from me, though in all honesty, part of me wishes he would not, that he would show remorse and be sorry for what he has done, but i know, from reading all these posts, that he wont! because he does not feel shame or guilt or remorse.

    1. Take it one day at a time. Do not make contact at all. Just try to distract yourself. One day at a time. See this an addiction. A habit that you need to quit. Have you ever quit smoking? Its the same as that…… one day at a time. Do things to keep your mind occupied, spend time with those people who love and care for you. Remember that this feeling won’t last forever.

      1. I think that’s the most important thing…remembering that the feeling won’t last forever, because in the moment, you tend to feel like the pain won’t go away. I’m trusting and believing that it will.

    2. Hi just thought id say im goin through the same stuff and its so soul distroying and yer im a bloke which imbarasis me makes me feal weak obviously i have only seen women being abused so what went wrong for me u r definently not alone i promise u that . Im a man and its broken me to a wreak like u said a dream soulmate lover the best person you could ever meet the happiest you have ever been in my life pure love …then ive read this and some otheres sites about sociapaths and now my whole world has colapsed i thought i was goin mad and it was me i feel so sick this site says word for word what she has done to me i could not beleive it .you are rite no concince no remorse were just a toy to play with .i no why it was me im and ex alcholic and addict through sorts off abusse in my life which made me bit more sensitive and actually for once finding and fealing love for the first time i found it but no once again it found me and yep every single bit has been nothing to her nothing at all yer i broke i was clean for 5 years off drugs etc now over past year ive fallen back into drugs and drink on and off which has pushed me to the edge because im on medication for ptsd and dual personality disorder for years and have been fine but now i couldnt take no more she blamed it all on my mental health and my medicatione saying thats why you are on them you are paranoid i admit i beleived her all the time and maybe still now to be honest i agree with you all they distroy you emotionaly and phsicly so much so im a stones throw away from goin back to a syciatric hosspital i was fine for 5 years till i meet her ok thanks nice to talk to u and hope i help in anyway I AGREE JUST GET RID OF THEM its hard but ill try my hardest i want my life back before its to late … sociapaths are dangerous i never new that

      1. Hi Daren, Thank you for sharing your comment. I think it can be more difficult for a male victim of female sociopath to access support. Often they are not believed, and fear that they are seen as weak. Believe me you are no more weak than we are. You were targeted. I am sorry that you are hurting, keep going and know that you are not alone there are a LOT of victims of female sociopaths, many of which post on this site.

  2. i sent him a message this morning, its his sons gymnastics competition today, i sent him a message saying i hope his son does well. i know i really just wanted to connect with him. i know that i will feel worse when he does not respond, and that i have just taken myself right back to the beginning. i have given him more power over me. this is so hard. i feel so much love for him still. i still cant believe that he has done this to me. that the love we had was not real. will i get over him?

    1. Hey mate, going through the same thing, but 3rd time round. This was it, my soul mate, so I thought. This time i keep feeling shocked with every trespass realised, but I think what helps is I don’t see the man I loved in his face now. I see walking dead. Like some say, an empty shell. Do read up on sociopaths and narcissism. It will help you to see the reality. Also check out which will help you to understand how your own brain works. Then it will be easier to heal. We broke up 4 days after you, I think I have a head start on my healing through having learned Non Violent Communication, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, and Mindfulness in the wake of my last 2 sociopath disasters. Never again! The first lie will be the last lie, and I will trust my instincts.

      With narcissists and sociopaths, NVC helps us to defend our boundaries. I know it helped me this time.

    2. Etselec, I know how you feel because I did go through it too. Even worse, I thought me and my ex sociopath could just be friends. He’s a contractor and I would call him during a repair was needed right away. He would come over for sure but it would later turn into us being intimate. I realize you can’t be friends with a sociopath ex because it’s like positive girl says….they don’t feel true feelings towards another but only look for what they can get out of us. Don’t even sweat him not saying anything back in a text because they do read it. He wants the power of making you think he’s not reading your emails. However, it’s best to stay in no contact. I wrote a final email to my ex telling him thanks for the good things but I’m moving on with a new man who realize my worth. Something he couldn’t do at all and I am letting go being any kind of friend relationship with him. Of course, he didn’t write anything back but I know he read my emails. He even opens up (several times) old emails from me that included my pictures. I think he does it knowing I get alert everytime he opens my emails in hopes of me contacting him. I don’t contact him but smile knowing he’s the one drooling over me. lol!! Now, it’s me with the power to ignore his evil ass. It feels great to write a final email to him stating how low of a person he is and declaring I want nothing to do with him anymore. Well Etselec, you wrote your story in June 2013 and hope you are doing far better today.

      1. hey CG, nope i am no better, i took him back again and again and again since then. he made the same promises, he was going to leave his wife etc etc……. but i found out more lies, more deceitful things over the months that followed. i cant tell you how many times i have had to knock my head, how many times i have cried out enough enough and how many more times i have ignored my own voice. and everytime i do so, i lose a little more faith in my own self. its very sad that i a once very confident woman have reduced to this wimpering coward. My reputation at work has been ruined as he has spoken to everyone about us, painting me the baddie for not understanding that his son is important to him and that he is going to leave his wife………..eventually. sigh… i am once again attempting the no contact rule, and this is why i am back on this website 😦

      2. I think we met the same contractor sociopath. Took me 10 years to figure this out

  3. It’s difficult for the “no contact rule”., for me. We live in the same small neighborhood. So we see each other all the time. We won’t acknowledge each other. With him, always playing the perpetual victim. It’s getting old! I know the truth about you and all the women you’ve played and hurt. I’m the victim, you a@@hole. But as much I hate him and wish Karma would do him in, a part of me is still in love with the faker that came into my life after my husband died. It’s not easy still dealing with the pain and hurt. But I make sure he sees me doing well and having fun! I don’t want him know he still has some emotional control over me.. Your website/blog has helped me so much that every time I start to get weak I always come back to your insight to help me put things in perspective. Thank you, I don’t think I’ve gotten as far as I have with out you positvagirl!

    1. Hi there Well after four year of constant sociopath cruelty I dumped him three weeks ago and heard nothing Mine had walked out on his wife and 3 girls for another woman who he had a boy with The girls all have mental issues and the eldest too is a sociopath So not only have i had him with his constant lies total lack of conscience and empathy I had his now all in their 30’s daughters who manipulated him I was never allowed to talk to them not texts etc They were as cold as him Finally in July we split but decided to be friends he demanded behind their backs It didn’t work he excluded me seeing them and his friend all the while and boasting hurting me Final straw he organised himself a birthday party with a band we both liked playing he told me all his friends and family would be there I was left out So at 10 minutes to the start of his party I sent him a text saying Don’t call me and to his girls textsttelling get them .All the nasty thingsgs he ever told me about them The time when he had said Iif they weren’t his family he would of disowned them They would of known he must of said it as I said I could prove it I the text he sent me Also about the women’s underwear under his bed After what he had done to their mom they hate cheating v with a vengeance He would of been really angry with what I have done He hasn’t contacted me Should I be concerned? I’m healing and woke today without him haunting game I do miss him but will never go back I burned all my bridges

      1. Hey sandie you can’t be friends with them. They continue to play the game has he treated you well do you think he is worthy of your friendship? Why would you tell his daughters what their father said about them?

      2. Hi The reason for me telling his daughters was because as they can seem to be the victim he had portrayed himself to be innocent so they blamed me for hurting him when I dumped him I suppose after years of being victimised by this vile sociopath I snapped and wanted revenge They seem to be the only things that he ‘cared’ for I am ashamed I did it but he moaned and slagged them off to me so many times I had to offload it all They have inherited his characteristics I had 4 sociopaths to deal with
        I continue to stay away and because of what I did he wouldn’t want me back Hopefully it worked for me

  4. I got divorced from my ex 7 years ago. He has been in and out of prison. There are other circumstances in between I won’t discuss. However, he remarried and I wanted to warn the woman but I stayed away. He had a child with her also (his family took ours, long story). Well, a couple months ago, she contacted me. He’s in prison again and I think she just wanted to “know”. We have alot in common and I like her. I’m trying to convince myself that she’s not out to get me on his behalf. He didn’t beat on her the way he did me but all the emotional signs are there. She says she could tell when he was mad and would leave him alone. I would question him, and thus got “punished”.She’s completely emotionally drained and it shows. This man is a drug addict and thief. Stays in legal trouble. He’s very handsome and cunning and can even get the authorities to feel sorry for him. It took years for me to rebuild my life. He even bragged to her that he’s the reason I “went crazy”. I’d love to help his wife cope with leaving him. She’s in the addict phase. Talking to her has drug up old emotions in me, but it’s mostly a paranoid fear of him or his family trying to wreck my new happy life. This trash is nothing more than a psychic parasite! His wife knows he’s bad news but she seems to not be able to accept that he is a sociopath. I don’t want to just run away from her, because in a way we help each other heal and I’m afraid if I just stop talking to her, it may hurt her more or something. He’s controlling her mentally from behind bars! She says she’s moving across the country to get away because she knows she’d go back to him. I want to convince her going total no contact is the only way to get away. This means don’t open his letters- return to sender- and don’t accept his calls! He knows we’ve been talking some I’m shocked he hasn’t written me accusing me of the reason she’s moving away. Advice? Comments?

    1. The best way might be to direct her to this site? If you do then she can read for herself. A lot of people comment how posts are accurate for what they went through and they can identify. Her reading it herself will take away the responsibility from you. She can also receive support and might find it easier to get away. Otherwise she might think that you are jealous and trying to split them up (he would tell her that anyway)

      1. I tried that. She’s going through major denial on the sociopath part. She knows she’s being manipulated but I think it’s because he didn’t beat her the way he did me that has her convinced he’s not. Sociopaths change their MO according to the victim’s needs. She’s way more submissive than me so he probably didn’t think abusing her was necessary.
        I have told her if she decided to stay I would think no less of her and she swears she’s not going to. She knows I’m happily married. I would never go back to that. It hurts my heart to see what he has mentally done to her.

    2. My advice, no contact…. see its bothering You! Tell her its like reliving a nightmare because she will do whatever she wants right or wrong, no matter what you do or say or do anyway, you know that, you cannot help in this situation you have lived it already dont live it with her out of sympathy or you will always BE in contact, with this yucky vibe, just live your happy life and let her deal

  5. He contacted me 2 days ago by answering my email questions why he has done this to me.he answered he did because i wanted more from him than he wanted to give me..when in the relationship allways when i asked him what he wanted with me where i was standing with him he never could or wanted to answer me and made me more and more insecure.

    Now after 2 months ignoring me after his break up suddenly i get reply,s from him
    with expanaition.
    I don,t know how to take this
    The hurt becomes more alive again
    And i wander why he is doing this?

    Is he trying to see if he still has power over me?
    Does he like to make me feel hurt?
    Or for his own sake to try to stop my emails with questions?

    Or because he is trying to get me back
    He has a pattern of 3 months and in 2 weeks the three months is reached.

    All tough in his email he sais he don,t want friendship anymore because of my emails with explaing him how much he have hurt me and questioning him why and what happened.
    He says i have been abusive to him
    with sending my emails to him.
    While he has dumped me 2 months ago with thunder by day light very unexpected and than doing the silence treatment.
    For the second time he has been doing this to me.

    He explains that it is because of “us:”not being able to fit together he broke up?!

    My friends don,t understand that i am still hooked on him and can,t let go
    sometimes even get irritated i,m still emotional broken cause of him and didn,t let go yet.
    And i even don,t understand myself
    Any person would understand it is important to let him go
    if being treated this way
    if being told not willing to have friendship.

    Why am i holding on with hope for friendship and understanding?
    I,m confused still hoping he is not a sociopath still hoping that there has been
    misunderstanding and things will become right

    But all i need to do is let go with all my heart and brain
    not being confused and build up my self and selfesteem again
    and enjoy my life with people who love me

    This situation is so hard.
    I keep thinking why me
    and why he didn,t love me
    i think i need help
    to let this go


    1. This is a script. Enough so that I wondered if it was the same guy lol. They play on our belief that our needs are too big and they make even the most basic human needs seem like you are asking for the moon. Really what this shows is just how little they have to offer anyone. He’s a sociopath. It’s not you – he’s mentally unstable. It is so hard though sweetie. So hard. Try to think of him as a drug that is very very bad for you and that you have become addicted too. Or see him as a mental patient that you cannot expect moments of lucidity. It’s not you. It’s him. He’s incapable of love. Love has no meaning to him. Winning is the only thing worthwhile to him. He probably worked very hard to win you over. Which made you feel loved. But it was just a game and once won….he has to feed the emptiness. The lesson I think we need to learn is that the winning part doesn’t show love…it’s everything else we need to pay attention to….and pay attention to his words in a different way…they always are telling you what they are doing to you when they blame you for something. He’s accusing you of being abusive? Then he’s telling you that he’s abusing you. When I was accused of cheating – he was cheating. You are asking the wrong question honey. You are asking why he didn’t love you when you need to be asking why you don’t love yourself enough to protect your heart, mind and spirit from someone who will twist and bend those precious parts of you to their will. I say this because it is what I’m struggling with too. I think we are all bewildered that the person we loved is the boogeyman. The lying, the sheer meanness, is so shocking our hearts, minds and souls can’t fathom it and thank god they can’t…because it means we’re human.

    2. OMG!My ex said the same thing,that “I wanted more than he could give” Bullshit! I only wanted to hang out and spend the night with him for at least 2 times a week (we live very close to each other) and of course I wanted him to love me like he used to do.Or he had pretended to do..Hilarious how selfish he was and made me feel bad for wanting to be with him..

      1. I am reading the post i wrote 2 years ago and.. is painfull to read where i was and at the same time i feel proud. What a difference with where i am now.It shows that we can get through this there is hope.It takes a lot of work on ourselves. A lot of strength and believe in the good things, but i can say now …i am back, more like i used to be
        and know more about real love, the inner love, my worth and what it means to be good to myself, showing my boundary,s.
        I had to learn that. It was a big proces to go through,Time heals, we become wiser and stronger.We have to know that these sociopaths are different than us!… truely…they don,t know what love is!.And don,t experience feelings like we experience!.If we could see Aura,s, i,m shure their colour would be grey or maybe they would not even have an aura.
        Survior, i wish you all the strength you need and remember, believe in yourself, in everything you feel!. If it doesnt feel good…it isn,t good. Whatever he will say, believe in what you feel.
        Love yourself,.It takes time to let all of this go,and to know what real love is.
        I am shure you will be stronger and getting your feed on the ground again.
        You will heal and shine. Es

      2. @Es I am so glad you have been healing!!I know one day I will not think about my ex or any of the distorting feelings he left me with,one day I will be free of pain..@positivagirl I have come to realize that the “love” was just a form of manipulation..Thank you, all in this forum,for supporting each other !! We all deserve real love ❤

      3. OMG I have been dealing with a sociopath for years and it always blows my mind when he gets peed off and tries to make me feel bad for wanting to spend time with him – how warped is that?! …….First time on this sight. An awesome read!

      4. Why would someone make you feel bad for wanting to spend time with them? This is abuse, emotional abuse. This can do long term psychological damage to you.

  6. Its hard but I am not going to contact him its been a few weeks now and its always my curiosity that folds and I have to check to make sure hes alright……. very foolish. I can never get over the complete lack of humility these people possess, the amazing ability to live in complete saintlyness in their own eyes and to look down and deny and block out any fault or responsibility, any person anything to them it just all goes away somewhere….. then explodes in fits of mania and rage, YOU CANNOT HELP THEM. Know this whatever the mind has done it can be undone. You have done this to yourself, be responsible look affter tour inner child and get rid of the big bully with a big slap in the face, they dont matter YOU DO.

  7. I Just caught my gf in lies having to do with cheating last week. So much has surfaced since this and I know now what she is. She fits the sociopath to the T. She lied about everything and anything she could. And i know now why she distanced herself from people who could get her caught in these lies. I was so in love I didn’t question a lot of it because I wasn’t getting hurt at the time. She lied about going to college while we lived together (i had work all week, how could i have known when i wasn’t suspicious) She made up lies about having to work during her graduation and lied about reasons why she was back here at home where we first met(which i later found out was because she burned so many people her mom had to bail her out and bring her back) She got fired from a job recently for allegedly stealing, which I never thought she would do. Now i think she definitely did it. When she said she needed space to further her future with school and time to figure it out herself the timing couldn’t have made less sense. I was a mess, crying and breaking down in front of her and telling her things didn’t add up, is there someone else? She lied straight face the whole time, didn’t even hold me while i was crying or cry herself. We were together for 2 years. I found out that a week before she had cheated on me. I was furious when i found out and called her out on it. She still lied until I had to say his name. Then she lied more saying it wasn’t physical and that she only loved me. She was incapable of love. Since I kicked her out she hasn’t responded to any of my texts which were all basically me telling her i found out more lies, and what she had done to me.How much of a piece of shit she is. But she knew what she had done and it doesn’t matter to her. It’s crazy that people like this can be so naturally cruel and cold. Like they are plain evil. I realize that I am much better off, and it still hurts of course. And coming to the realization that you’ve been in love with a lie is hard to wrap your head around. Each day is better and I’m moving on. I just wish these sociopaths came with a warning sign. Or there was a way to make them feel the way they made you feel. It’s sad, really. Lesson learned. I never knew what a sociopath was until i was crushed by one.


  8. I have had no contact with my EX since the middle of July, I finally got him to get the rest of his things out of my house. I had a strong feeling something was different these last few weeks. I unblocked my Ex’s new girlfriend from facebook and looked on her wall. They are getting married tomorrow. He asked her on Sept 22 and they are getting married on Oct 18. My guess is she is pregnant because he has no self control, I actually called that when I first found out about her. I’m not sure how I feel. I’m glad it’s not me. I still feel bad. I know they don’t do anything unless they want something, she must have a good amount of child support coming in or she has a lot of $$’s she will get from selling her house. She lives in another state. She has no idea what is day to day is. He has a mountain of debt, no sense of responsibility, he feels no empathy. I guess I wonder what makes a sociopath marry? If they feel nothing for anyone why do they marry? I know I will get past this and have no feeling regarding him someday, I just wish that would happen sooner than later. I have come a long way since the beginning of this year when he discarded me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and I’m working on myself, trying to take care of me for a change instead of everyone else. I pray for peace in my life daily, I do have a calmer life now that he is gone just want the feelings I still have for him to disappear.

  9. Thank you for this site. I wish I had come across it sooner. I wouldn’t have gone back so many times. But I found it this time and initiated no contact. I blocked him on all social media and even had my work number changed. I think he is gone. What I’m dealing with is all the toxins that went into my system that I tolerated for the last two years are all coming out now. In hindsight everything is transparent. But that newfound transparency is so painful. I’m having a tough time moving forward. He insinuated himself into so much of my life that even gone he’s everywhere?!? How do you move forward?

    1. Hi snow. Welcome to the site. Establishing no contact when someone is unhealthy for you, is the first step forward. There is healing (although painful) in silence. You are forced to reach out to those who really care about you for support.

  10. I had to re-establish no contact after weeks of no contact. A so- called friend of mine had been leaking info about me to her. She lashed into me about talking about her to my friends. Why should she care?. She left me and deleted all our mutual friends off social networks. She doesn’t want to be found out by anyone. I’m not talking to this so-called friend because she has had obvious contact with my ex. Its disheartening because I’ve known her for years and her and my ex were certainly not close. I found the leak so that’s good I guess. It’s also disheartening because I felt I was feeling better. The lengths these creeps go to hurt you is insane. The thing is before this my ex somehow had info on me and I think it was my friend being fooled by her for info on me. Since going off the radar from social networks this friend has been trying to get in my biz and I’ve shared little but what I did she gave my ex. Infuriating. Starting again.

    1. I have been in not contact for a couple of months now but my ex never tried to contact me. Instead, he just keeps opening up old emails of mines. Its a new year and he still does it knowing; I get alerts everytime an email is re-opened. Its funny he’s still with the woman he dumped me over but still looking at old emails from me. What’s up with that shit! The one thing I know is he’s probably cheating on the new gf now. He has a pattern of six months into a relationship; he’s on the dating sites looking. The only thing I hate is he blocked me from his FB page before I could block him. Now, I feel he can look at my page whenever he decides to. This pisses me off! We were never friends on FB anyway. I guess the reason he doesn’t contact me me is I exposed him and his skanky gf and I heard he’s lost his house too. Now, Glenn Ratcliffe has moved from Wayne, NJ to West Milford, NJ. He will look for new prey in that area and the gf will be replaced. That’s if she’s not the source of his financial supply. I put his name out there to limit his chances of making new victims. Nobody should experience the pain I endured.

  11. It’s tough I know because its not a regular breakup. They are mental and will find ways to get to you. Keep everything close to the vest. Friends, new people. I’d change your e-mail. I had to change mine and passwords for everything. They’re so insidious.

  12. It’s weird, everyone says they get bombarded with texts and emails from their socio ex, but I haven’t. He hasn’t tried to talk to me after we got in one last fight once he discarded me. I know it’s for the best, and everyone is telling me that it’s good that he hasn’t tried to contact me because this will make healing easier. It just feels like a huge slap in the face. He treated ME like shit for 2 years, dumps me, then is able to move on like nothing happened?
    I haven’t spoken to him in just over a month. I had tried to send a text to him the other night, just telling him a story I thought he would find funny (stupid I know, but late night thinking got the best of me). He obviously never responded, and now I just feel stupid like I gave him back all of his power.

    Is this a tactic? Is he trying to drive me insane, or is he really just over me. It’s so hard to say. When we broke up he reached out to a friend in my social circle, telling her how happy he was now that he’s single, and that he wanted to tell her about the date he had went on. The first thing that came to mind was that the prick was trying to tell her all of this so that it would come back to me. Now I’m not so sure. I sometimes wish he’d contact me so that I can get that upper hand back, and show him that I’m not so dependent anymore, that I’m done with his abuse.

    1. Hi Alexandra, yeah he is purposely not responding to you as a means of feeling power over you. Mines don’t contact me and its not for him having a new source. Its for two reasons; I exposed him online about the cheating and lying. Second, its to make it seem as though he’s devoted to his new source. Don’t think he doesn’t read your emails but he does. Mines open up my old emails all the time. I know because I have Readnotify that tells me everytime they open it or delete them. He never deletes them but always reopen them every now and then. Reason being, he’s just marveling over his past with me but thinks about trying to play me again. So, my advice to you is don’t contact your ex. I know its difficult some times but you will get over him. These people can’t be friends at all because they always work from a hidden agenda. I’ve learn this with my ex socio.
      Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

  13. Hi positive, I think the glitch lies when a person access the site through mobile emailed latest updates sent and the person select reply by email; it goes in as email format. I think the best way to prevent it is replying on your site’s page. Its happened to me accidentally. Cyberspace can cause confusion. Lol!

  14. I was making pretty good recovery until his ex wife contacted me yesterday and we got talking about him.

    she was lovely to speak to, but it has given me unnecessary stress and anger which I went through when he dumped me.

    I guess its better to stay away not only from him, but also from everyone that is associated with him, no matter how nice they are to you.

    1. Yes communication can retrigger you. As it brings emotions back. But it might also help you recover. Esp with regards to really knowing it wasn’t you. He will always be this way.

  15. Postivagirl,
    I made it over the weekend that my ex had his new friend in town. It was hard but I made it. She was here last week Thursday until this morning. Well, he called and left messages on my work voice-mail Monday night and this morning. He wants to talk and be open and honest with me. Nothing happened with her and he doesn’t feel that way about her. He can’t understand why this has happened to is since we had been talking and spending time together until a few weeks ago. He wants to come clean and be HONEST and it went on and on and on for five minutes. Then when he called today while I was at work, I just hing up on him. He called back and left a message “Wow, your going to hang up on me on my birthday. That’s a refelction of the individual.” I was like….really….you jerk who tried to play me by secretly flying another woman into town. I know that is just a tactic to deflect and try to mkae me feel guilty.
    Is he contacting me because his weekend didn’t go as he planned with this woman he met online and wants to keep me around? I know it is another ploy to try to keep me in his life. I just hate how so convincing he sounds when he is nothing but full of lies! He is also going to have a very lonely birthday too.
    What is this he is trying to do? Am I going to be bombarded now? I really want to tell him what a jerk he is.

  16. Hi Denise,
    I haven’t seen or spoken to my soc now in a long time. I don’t count the weeks/months because it doesn’t matter and he doesn’t deserve even that mind share of effort on my part.

    That may sound like I’m bitter but, in fact, my soc was one of the more benign ones, whether by choice, capability or just that he didn’t have enough time to do his dirty work, I don’t know. But like mine, if you give it time, his persistence and sweet talk and your shortened memory will enable you to compromise yourself on something that, if you heard it from a friend, you tell her to run.

    Whether we want to admit it or not, it may give you a ray of hope to think that maybe he didn’t find someone as great as you and is regretting what he’s done. That is “normal people” rationale. Sociopath rationale says, “Siiiighhhh, now that my job is done with that one for the week, heck, I’m still in bombing mode, I’ll draw this other one back in…she should be primed better by now.”

    As much as I wish it weren’t true, he is just what you think he is… only worse. Things that “normal people” minds don’t conceive of cross their misfiring maligned brains. For just a glimpse into the thinking of the sociopathic mind, watch an episode or two of “House of Cards” where Kevin Spacey’s pathological character will speak directly to you, the viewer, about what he’s thinking about how things are playing out during the episode. You will wonder where the emotion is in his “personal” relationships, and how he can fake it in his professional ones when he so obviously doesn’t feel it.

  17. Positvagirl,
    My Ex sociopath continues to contact me by leaving voicemails at work. He wants to talk and be honest and clean with me and wants to meet for drinks or coffee. I have esatblished No Contact and haven’t responded to any of his communcations and am trying to maintain and see reality. It feels like it is getting hard. I am so angered at him for acting so nonchalant about having another woman in town and not thinking about the turmoil it put me through. He is totally not even acknowledging his actions and basically feels like this should be brushed under the rug. It angers me greatly! He is truly a despicable person. He is really trying to mess with my mind with his “word mind games” and it started to bother me yesterday but then I realized that there is no reason for me at all to have any sympathy for him because he was the jerk. And I know this is just more of his games. Trying to get me back to mistreat me all over again and then hurt me again. I know he is trying to be nice to me in this “seduction” stage and it will be the same cycle all over again which my psyche cannot take. I feel like I know how I should handle this but a part of me really wants to curse him out. Why do these jerks want a reaction so bad? What does that do for them?

    1. Hi Denise, you know he has no conscience. So he doesn’t act guilty as that is beyond his comprehension. To him it’s just rewind and start again. You would never get an apology either. As he doesn’t feel sorry. If he said he was it would only be sorry he was caught.

      I know this is hard they deliberately create dependency to create addiction. What is happening now is like trying to quite smoking while cutting down and having only a few a day. It doesn’t help you to quite in fact it can make it harder as the addiction is being partially fed. ..

      He wants a reaction any reaction as he wants your emotion. Really they are insecure weak people. Despite the outward persona.

  18. Hi Etselec, I’ve been down that road too. Married men don’t ever leave their wives. Only in special circumstances such as the man was forced to marry due to pregnancy or the wife no longer wants him. Usually, in those situations the husband has already left before starting another relationship. Stay away from him. Think about it; do you want someone who cheats on his wife? He will do the same thing to you Guaranteed! My ex sociopath was so twisted. He tried to turn things around on me like I was the woman on the side while meeting someone else online. She thinks he’s choosen her because she’s better than me. NOT!! I know he has started cheating on her because she is snooping his phone opening my old emails. A woman who is secure in her relationship would not be chasing behind him. She thought he was a prize but I bet her ass don’t feel any better than me now. Estselec, just keep to no contact. It will get easy after a while because I have been in no contact for one month an 1/2 now. My feelings for him has died long ago. Now, I laugh at the fact of once wanting to be with a man who’s a cheater, liar, and too old for me. The only thing he was good for was sex. Now, I don’t even want him for that. God only knows what disease he has harboring in his body.

  19. Please someone help me. I’m 2 weeks into the silent treatment for the umpteenth time and one week NC. I was discarded again and he won’t tell me if it’s over for good. Just says he needs time and space and then silence. I want to contact this man but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I’m so tired of the roller coaster, lies, and one sided relationship. I have a hard time understand how someone can be so cruel and an even harder time understanding that he is not hurt or thinking about me.

    1. Sarah, he does this because he knows it is killing you. He wants you to beg him to come back to him. he is cruel and unfeeling and he wants you to pay for not giving in to him. its sad. i am in the same place and i struggle with NC, i cant even go a day without responding or reaching out.

  20. here’s my problem. we work together. I keep trying the no contact, blocking his text messages, trying to avoid him, but he calls on my work landline and he knows i have to answer, i would tell him to stop, put the phone down etc. he would come over to my office trying to talk to me. everyone at work knows what has happened, what is happening, they feel sorry for his puppy dog look. i start texting him, telling its over and that he needs to leave me alone, he says NO we are not over. tells me how he loves me, how he is going to leave his wife (almost three years of hearing that) pretty soon i am back to speaking to him, texting him. 9 months ago after living with me for four months he left me, in the middle of the day, i had no clue until we went home that night. he disappeared for a week with his wife and son on a holiday, it was during that week that i found this site. a week later he came back and started telling me how he loves me and made a big mistake… every single day since then he has promised he was going to leave her and every opportunity and ultimatum i have given him he has failed to meet. Xmas, new year, my birthday. i try the no contact, but he knows how to play me so well. he will say something to pee me off so badly that i will msg him back and so on and so on. he has me so crazy that i dont even know myself anymore. i cant go on like this. i am back to trying no contact. but its easy for now because he put his phone off but i know eventually he will message me…. i just need to be stronger this time. God help me but i am losing my mind second guessing myself all the time.

  21. Hey 41andreborn, just call his wife and tell her about him. Then, go to HR and make a compliant. That will put an end to his BS!

    1. Cher, his wife knows all about it. She sends me messages from time to time calling me a whore and how i am the one who destroyed there marriage. yet he still stays with her. i dunno hey, i feel stupid

  22. Hi 41andreborn, she’s calling you because its her way of preventing him from resuming an affair with you. Woman like that are dumb asses! You can bring a change against her for harassment. Remember, you are the smart one who’s left him. She’s stupid to stay. Keep no contact and I promise it will get easier as time goes on. Focus on YOU now. Do things you couldn’t do or always wanted to explore.

  23. This weekend is 3 weeks since he’s stopped talking to me and told me we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I still want to believe he will contact me. I want some sort of validation. I’ve been in NC for 7 days now and I’m wanting to test him to see if he’d respond. I don’t understand why I want to do this.

  24. Hi Sarah, You feel that way because he made a point of giving you so much attention in the beginning. That’s why you look for him to call. Please Sarah stop looking for him to call and focus on finding your independence. Try finding new hobbies and meet up groups to join. Stay no contact; as time goes by it gets easier. You will no longer want him or respond to his calls down the road. Mines still keeps opening up old emails I sent him. He knows I get alerts every time he does it. He hopes it will cause me to call him but I don’t. Why I don’t is I’m strong now as well as I don’t want him anymore. Sarah hang strong girlfriend. One day you will laugh at him craving to talk to you months later.

  25. @Cher problem is that I don’t think he will come back. I want him to so that I can kick him to the curb but he has made no attempt to contact me for three weeks now. Each day that goes by gets easier but there is still the nagging in my head that I want to reach out.

    1. Sarah ,I hope you are over him now.I have been so hurt by my ex cutting all communication.It is the ultimate power tool.I have been reaching to him,although he has been very cruel to me.I hope one day I can forget.

  26. Hi Sarah, its not a problem. Its a blessing; remember that fact. There is no chance of you getting the last laugh on him other than no contact. These SPs are masters at manipulation and you will be hurt in the end. Trust me the no contact gets under their skin. You are in control with NC. Oh he will be back in touch with you. It may be anywhere from three months to a year later hearing from him. However, don’t answer him. At that point, you have the upper hand.

  27. Oh the depths of how low he will go to keep himself in my life are amazing. Its been almost a month since I established no contact with my sociopathic ex husband. Just yesterday he starts texting me about talking to me regarding something very important. No specifics, so no I’m not biting. (Yay me! Lol) BS ignored, then I get another text this morning from him. Now the specifics come out. But I’m still not biting. Apparently, he has yet another new job and is working for a company that requires him to get life insurance (ever heard of such a company requirement?). He says I’m the only one that he trusts 100% and wants to name me as benefactor so my son and I are “taken care of”. Like I said, I’m not biting. I will continue my no contact because I want nothing to do with him and his antics.

    But has anyone experienced lows such as this? And how/why would he name his ex wife as benefactor?

  28. Oh god, I broke NC and I’m regretting it…..
    I was out with friends last night, the drinks were flowing and I received a text asking why I hadn’t sent him a Happy Birthday message!!
    This was like a red rag to a bull…. I was tipsy and angry so responded back with a pretty nasty text, telling him I’m too good for him, I’ve met someone who actually cares, that I’ve seen him in action on Facebook targeting his next victim and he can basically go and **** himself if he thinks I’m sending him a Happy Birthday message!
    Have I just opened up a can of worms or do you think he’ll get the message?? Funnily enough as I was so angry in the text he didn’t reply!! Phew…..

    1. He probably liked the attention back. Nothing is worse than no response at all. That drives them crazy and you saying you have met someone else (if he is a socio and didn’t want to let you go) could send him into super stalker spying mode compulsively

  29. Lilyrose, unfortunately, they never get the message. Wither its good or bad response, they get want they wanted to acheive “A REACTION”! So, girlfriend you may have opened up a can of starting something. Lol!

  30. Shit man, will i never learn? i keep breaking no contact, he must think i am a bloody fool. i will block him and then message him when i am angry or upset. will go for days of blocking him and he will send me i love you messages or i miss you, or he will start attacking me by saying he guesses i am out with another man. then i will retaliate with :you left me, you are living with your wife, you chose her. and he will come back with, i love you, i am only here for my son. i did not chose her. i choose you.

    then why are you there i will say, and he will come back with the same messages.

    its a complete bloody joke.

  31. I’ve had no contact for almost 6 months after a 7 year marriage. Saw him in a shop today and feel confused. I avoided him, then went to check out but he was still there. His face lit up. He came over to me saying he thought I probably didn’t want to speak to him. I said hello. We asked how each other was then he left. I feel confused because to be honest I want to email or call him now after feeling relieved and peaceful for so long. I’m even planning going back to the shop same time next week and hope I can resist it. So confused. He looked happy to see me. But I know he’s a liar.

    1. Hi Kathleen. He might have been happy to see you. While sociopaths move on quickly they don’t see what they have done wrong. So can just say ‘hi how are you?’ Like nothing has happened. Which is quite stunning really. It’s to do with them believing that they have done nothing wrong. How you are feeling is the addiction and dependency kicking back in. It’s like quitting smoking cold turkey then having a quick puff of a cigarette, and wanting another….. This is the danger zone when you see the good and forget the bad. As sociopaths can be very charismatic and charming and this meeting could remind you of the man you thought he was, when you fell in love. Don’t write the email to him. Instead write one to YOU. Be your own best friend. Write a letter to you. As if you were advising a friend.

  32. Thanks positivagirl. You’re right of course. I know it’s fake the way he was behaving and that is how it starts again. The smile and mask drop, the requests for help, money etc. start. Then the put downs along with all the lies and cheating. I’m so annoyed at myself. I confess I did send a short email ‘hope all is going well for you’ but now I regret it. Thanks for the support. I am determined to get back to ‘me’ as I was so relaxed and happy without his presence in my life. I was thanking God for keeping the evil man away from me. Then I was asking ‘why? why did he just happen to be in the same place as me.’ It was an awful accident and I thought I was strong.

    1. They always put on the charm and the boyish innocence … Until they get their foot in the door, claim ownership of you and the control starts again…..

  33. I am just coming up for 2 weeks no-contact (second or third time around). I am female and was with a female who meets ALL the criteria for a cluster B – sociopath. Lying, manipulation, cheating, controlling, lack of and indeed hatred of emotion – it’s all there. I am determined never to speak to her again but I know she will contact me again when she is lonely, bored or whatever. it’s been hell to get over her. I was with her for nearly 5 years and her children. We were all affected, my daughter too. It really is an addiction. So easy to forgive and look for the ‘good times’ – so I read and read and read to remind myself of the hellish hot and cold, silent treatments, the deception etc. At times I feel I must also be lacking to put all my love into such a FRAUD of a person.i know she can’t help herself but she appears to have no morals. She too is very charming and friendly – luring you into her web. Glad to be out of it. Love is supposed to enrich our lives, not destroy it.

  34. I really appreciate this website and all the inspirational information and comments, thanks for creating this resource and to everyone for contributing your experiences! For the first time in over a month, I don’t feel hopeless, alone and completely victimized.
    I was with my soci ex for about 4 years, we lived together for 3. About a month ago, I find out that he up and started talking to a random girl from Facebook and hung out with her for the first time just 3 days later. He spent the night with her the very first time he hung out with her, just a few days after “meeting her” on FB. He then spent the next night with her too. Then I found out, he lied to me originally of course however his new girl just happens to live right above a family member of mine in an apartment complex. When I confronted him, he instantly flew off the handle and told me I was dumb for not seeing it coming and expecting him to not find someone else when I’ve been a “miserable bitch” our entire relationship. He also tried telling me that he really didn’t do anything wrong since he didn’t consider us in a relationship at the time he strayed. This is such BS because literally 2 days before he started talking to her on FB and 5 days before he spent the night with her, he and I spent Thanksgiving together with each others families. He never apologized for what he did and won’t admit or say that he cheated. I forgot to mention that he has been spending the night and pretty much living with this new girl since the 1st time he hung out with her. I almost wished I wouldnt have caught/confronted him because that made it easy for him to be with her and not have to make up lies to sneak around, etc. I am still unable to comprehend how he completely shut off any and all feelings for me in literally 2 days after all that time and us living together, etc. I don’t see what the draw is with this girl either, she’s trashy and has a bad rep. He isn’t the relationship type so I was very surprised that he started a new relationship with someone else before ending things with me… Never expected that. Of all the people he had to pick to cheat on me with and start a relationship with, did it really have to be someone that lives right above a family member of mine? I really expected him to apologize and beg for forgiveness when I confronted him, not start dating her! He jeopardized everything we had for some trashy drunk in an apartment after talking to her for 3 days. We have a beautiful place with brand new furniture and decor, nice new vehicles, etc. I did everything for him, he didn’t have to do anything except contribute to the monthly bills. What really sucks is the fact that I am still living with him.. granted he spends the night with her every night, he’s still here when she works, which of course is when I’m home. We are both stuck living together for the next 2 months. The past month has been brutal and torturous, how am I going to survive 2 more?!? Plus he owes me $3000 and his vehicle loan is also in my name, another $6000 there. I wish I could just walk away from that and leave but just can’t. I’m stuck and feel trapped watching him be happy in his new relationship while I’m devastated and heartbroken. He has no remorse, compassion, empathy, insight, etc. I so badly wish I could have no contact with him but we are tied to each other financially on so many levels. It’s absolutely miserable.
    Do you think he really cares about her? I can’t believe its lasted as long as it has with them. I think he’s lied to her about me and our status when he got involved with her.. I’m not doing her any favors by telling her that thou. I just don’t know how to move forward with him being a part of my everyday life since I have no control over it. To make matters worse, he’s completely careless about hiding things that will upset me, like coming home with hickies on his neck, and leaving receipts for flowers he bought her out for me to find, etc. I call him on this stuff hoping he will stop doing it but he gets mad and accuses me of snooping. Not true, I really just want this to be over! I think he thinks I want him back but I really don’t!

  35. Hi Lauren this is so clear the behaviour of a Sociapath..Is there a way to not let him in your house anymore?It will be the first step for you to choose for yourself to choose for your needs and show him that he can,t use you anymore.I know it is very hard and when you feel so heardbroken you feel allmost no strength to take actions rationally when your heart says something else because of the confusion and shock they create.Try to take the first make him move out of your house.Change his contracst that are on yourname as soon as you can..Ask help from socialworkers or try to contact people who can help you with this and who understand about sociopaths.This isnt right he will not appoligise and try not to wait for that.Choose for yourself and give yourself the space and love you need to work this out.
    Wish you lots of love and strengt ES.

  36. Its day 1 (again) of NC. This time I am going to play my role into it and not partake in viewing his profile etc. I have blocked him. The latest pain reminded me that even if i go back into simple comms with him, i always leave it feeling rejected, not good enough, empty, disrespected and devalued. I will never hear the words that I need to hear. It will always be him answering in riddles or not at all.

    I want this to be the last time that i fall. The last time that I reach back and try to grasp at what is not and has never been there. I think that waiting for 4 years for a man to deliver on his promises, to fulfil your request for happiness and to be the man he pretended to be is ENOUGH time wasted.

    NC is going to be hard! proper NC is going to be very very hard, but I am willing this time to do it for me. I hate being the one stuck, while he has moved on. While everyone else in my life seems to have moved on. I turn 42 in a few weeks time and he turns 46 the week after, I was 38 when it started, a good career, a happy family life, a complacent marriage, respect of others, self confidence and dignity.

    Now i am starting my life over. A few really good friends that have beared with me through this. A great support structure. Independence. Am job hunting at the moment, but am confident that I will find something soon. Am working on my weightloss and fitness, because I can tell you, during the time with him, i picked up weight, I gave up on running, bike riding and exercise and eating healthy, because all my time was consumed by HiM in one way or another.

    I have my list of SMART goals, I am working on them. I have hidden the reminders, hidden the pics etc and am not going to look at them.

    I want to do this for me. I suffered enough.

    1. Ok, well you can do it with me. If you get the impulse to break no contact – shout out!!!

      That job will come your way, without him taking your time and energy you will be forced to put your energy back into you.

      WELL DONE am proud of you. You know that the first 3 days are the hardest don’t you!! …… you can do this.

      Now its time to look at the things in your life that need repairing. See your life, like a house, what needs fixing in your house? It is now time for you to get your house in order – just for YOU….

      Believe me you so deserve it. It is now time to be the very best of you. To clean those dirty windows, get them clean and allow the sunshine to flood in through your clean windows…..

      Am proud of you, keep going I am right here with you!! x

      1. Its been a busy day, I got offered a temp post at least so that means things are looking up! Am gonna do it this time. Thanks sooo Much for your support!

      2. Yay well done you!! What is the job doing? This is brilliant news, and what an amazing start to day one!!! 🙂 See now moving in the RIGHT direction!!

  37. The job is a one month temp post at a university i used to work for before. It will mean being sharp and attentive, which is great as it will help me with my focus. It is day 2 now. I am very aware of not checking and i feel on edge. yet, i am filled with the same conviction as yesterday. I need to keep at it, keep busy, plan for my new life now.

    1. This is fantastic news!! Going back to the past can help with healing. So working somewhere that you have already worked, is good for you. Already it will feel familiar, and this will help with your confidence.

      Well done for day 2 …… remember how it feels not smoking on day 2. Remember what one puff does, it sends you back to day one.

      You know what might be handy to do, is to download one of those quit smoking app’s. Maybe for the price of cigarettes, and how much they cost, put instead, Emotional cost, and how many hours you spent each day on him.

      Then make sure that you remember to reward yourself. Remember that this is brainwashing and you are undoing the brainwashing!! 🙂

  38. This is day 1 of NC all over again. He is back “cohabiting with his wife” in separate rooms (yeah right!) He doesn’t want anyone else to have me so he threatens and finds fault with all my male friends, my male boss etc, yet he tells all his friends I’m a bunny boiler because he rejected me!!! He’s never rejected me in his entire life. That’s the problem, he just can’t let me move on for jealousy but won’t admit it. The only way I can move on is to have no contact, at all!!!!

    1. You know they arent in seperate rooms. They flit from one person to the other. Yeah they like to put you down for being normal and having emptions. It’s disgusting. Yes no contact is the best way forward that way they get zero of your energy and can’t have their cake and eat it.

  39. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this site! I have been inlove with a man who wears this mask – and wears it well! When things are good, they are good … when they are shit – they are proper shit. He won’t deal with me then – simply Turns my switch on “off” & walks on with a smile on his face. Kills me. He lures me back in when he needs me again. I just wish I didn’t fall for it time and time again. Wish I knew how. ( I have no way of breaking all contact)

  40. Finally 3rd time I’m committed to sticking to NC. Worst part is the recounting of the relationship. What seemed a bit odd at the beginning now just makes me sick. I’m not the best guy around, but when she came along oh man. Love,trust,kindness and shares some of the same hobbies!
    I felt so secure and trusting! I pointed this out because hey.. Thus is new!
    Which were the first things to go?! Yep. Cue the endless attempts at problem solving which 4 months later finally get back to an observable path to something resembling solution. Aha! She she’s we’re getting there too. Yeah. Solutions now in play.

    Poor thing has to live with herself the rest of her sad very very busy “life.” I felt foolish for a while reaching to be as kind and gentle as her.
    Smile for the camera, one of us out here knows what you are! I’ll never forget what you really tried to take. Or that twisted smirk.


  41. Been having a fling for three yrs with a sociopath and he broke up a few times with me.. Hes done awful thingd to me where iv ended up with no confidence depression drinking every night and in a very bad state
    . Now im feeling happier hes wormed his way back in….we spent the night together and now hes saying things will never be the same as they were. I.jus feel soo sad i dont want my depression to come back. I care so much for him. Hes been in my life for so long and we are in contact every day
    I just want the pain to go away and dont think he will ever be my friend im Devastated.

  42. Hello
    I have recently broken up with someone who I believe to be a narcissist. it went through the various stages of idealisation, devaluation. I eventually got the strength to break up with him.
    He lied to me so many times, I now believe everything he said was a lie
    He lied about
    1) having cancer
    2) knocked over by a car
    3) having depression
    4) being evicted from his house
    5) tried to get my attention saying he was in a car accident
    6) lied to me about what he got me for Xmas
    7) suicide threats – came out of the bathroom with a mark round his neck
    8) passport was stolen and made a whole fuss over it on facebook
    9) accused me of cheating

    He emotionally, to a point that I didn’t know myself self. I lost 2 stone within one month of being with.him. After I finally caught him out on his lies. He sent me a picture of a rope round his neck with a message “I told you I’d do it”
    He also sent me suicide poems and threats. I am currently going through a smear campaign which is scary. As he knows a lot of my friends I have found them not to speak to me at all.
    It’s like he has totally forgotten about me. He is going on like i didnt exist.
    I get a lot of the flash backs and Im prone to stress a lot more now

    During the break up
    I got a hateful message from his aunt and a phone call telling me that I am an awful person and that I should be ashamed of myself treating the narc like the way I did. That message dropped my self esteem even.more. Then the narc sent me abusive messages (if you accuse me of lying ill rip your f*****g head off etc) and narc sent me a picture of a rope around his neck to my inbox. narc did hoover me for 6 months, its 9 months now no contact. narc sent me pictures of him and his new friends and his new bf, he was in a relationship a month after we broke up, he went off and played the victim to everyone.
    he tried to get my attention by lying to someone and say that he was in a car crash and to tell me ( i even have the msg to prove it) he denied everything even when i had the proof and he went into a narc rage and threaten me even more.

  43. I successfully did all of this with my ex after 4 years of the entanglement I was in, by that time I was about 15/16 . After the first 6 months of our relationship, I eventually became addicted to heroin with him and when I had finally had enough turmoil built up inside me the heroin was the easy thing to leave behind. I was dying in the relationship I was in and saw no other way around the lifestyle and relationship without cutting complete ties with him and the people we knew together, because he was so good at pulling on my heart strings I would just go mental and forget all the verbal and somewhat physical abuse that would go on for hours on end until I would fall asleep and wake up to start the day off with some neglect until the cycle repeated later on that night (not everyday was like this obviously but definitely about 90% of the time).
    Anyways, after about a year being apart, through his stalking, social media gossip trying to make a scene, I didn’t give in to his antics and finally he moved to another state. for awhile. He seemed to had genuinely improved himself for himself. Eventually, he came back to town to stay and he came by my house asking for some weed, so he could make a little money. I made arrangements to meet him in public and everything as to not be sucked back in, but as soon as I hopped into the van with him and his mother (whom I assumed would soft his edge) and he smiled at me, his adorable mischievous smile and I knew it right before it happened, we took off to his grandparents beautiful piece of land in the forest on the outer skirts of town . I was being kidknapped, but I felt it was surprisingly charming. We have been together for 5 more years now and he hasn’t been perfect but he was changing for sure, and I loved it, praised him for it. Now I’m expecting again, this will be our second child and for about two years his old him has been slowly creeping through his cracks. These days he seems like he had never even gone through those couple years. It’s almost as if he’s so much more evil now and sometimes I think maybe he resents me for him changing. So now he’s been acting out a lot but in ways that I can’t prove but I know, with his little slights he “thinks” I won’t put together, he’s even staged his family against me couple times now, and done things to make both sides mad,(stole their money then stole my money to pay them back) and pointed us at each our for it, say that I wouldn’t let him pay (his sister in particular who probably isn’t too fooled rather than just having fun anyways) Although I knew what was happening I couldn’t bring myself to call them out on it, for the fear of being even more ostracized. Then his sister stayed with us for a week and i felt like i was in the most dramatic high school nerds vs, preps movie ever the whole time.

    Now it’s getting to the point where I want to leave again but I can’t imagine having to be that person. To have to stand in between us and look like a villain to my kids one day. A
    I don’t know. I keep making excuses for him though, I’ve noticed that at least. Now I’m actually standing up for what I deserve to be given in return. Just basic human empathy and some real support in my life.

  44. Hi Thank you so much for this website! It helped me so much after my break-up with my first sociopath. I didn’t know people like this existed until I went through it and found explanations here. Took me only about a year or a little less to get over my ex, but I think it would’ve taken longer if I hadn’t found this website. Unfortunately I met another one right after I was better, Lol
    Only this person was/is worse. It baffles me just how horrible she can be and not feel a thing. But this time I recognized it soon after we met. So I was a little more prepared this time around, I can actually predict everything she was going to do, and knew everything she did that she lied about. We never technically had a relationship, it was always a friends with benefits thing. She actually cheated on her significant other with me, I know, I know, I’m in the wrong too. But from what I knew she had cheated several times before and also the significant other cheated multiple times as well. They were both nuts and I got pulled into this sicko relationship. It lasted about a year and a half, I tried getting away several times but she would always look for me and find me. I guess I can’t stop being human and giving her the benefit of the doubt thinking she can change.
    I know all the signs, I know the cycle, I guess I developed feelings for her but I know I need to get rid of them. I’m trying to not answer messages, deleting from social media accounts, blocked phone numbers, etc. Which I’ve done before but she finds me and we start talking again. I’m caught in her web. This time I know what’s happening. It’s not shocking me or destroying me like the first one. I’m just trying to figure out how to stop talking to her because I know I need to. Because well, she’s back with her ex kind of, now they’re back together but this time the significant other has a girlfriend and this psycho knows but is having an affair with the ex. They’re both insane, and I’m trying to escape.
    Hopefully I can delete her completely from my life, like I did the first one. But thanks to this website I’m not emotionally distraught like I was 3 years ago. I’m just a little stuck, with a little bit of feelings for this person.

  45. This has really helped thank you. I didn’t know I was dating a sociopath until the very end. Even with all of the lies, the sneaking around and cheating, and then making up the best most clever lies to make me believe I was crazy. I experienced gaslighting for the first time too. I felt like I was crazy. He made me feel like I was crazy. He would show no remorse for the things he did to me but I was addicted. I couldn’t get out. I was alienated from all of my friends and he didn’t have any real friends of his own so I spent the better part of a year and a half with this man. He finally insisted that I move in even though I wasn’t ready and I didn’t trust him with all of the lies he had told. He even told me that when he goes out in public he “puts on a mask”. He said he does this because he has social anxiety. Now reading the article on sociopaths it is just CRAZY how similar he is to these things. I found out he was going to be having a woman come into town to stay with him (now that I’ve moved out) and he denied it. I went over the other day to see him having sex with her. He was totally blank and unremorseful. He looked to her and said “I am sorry”. I can tell he’s already roping another one in. I feel so sorry for her. It was SOOOOO hurtful. But today I realized actually VISUALIZING him in the lie was the only way I was going to believe MYSELF and not his lies. It took SEEING it to move on. I feel so free now. It’s amazing how free I feel…. Finally. I just hope he doesn’t ever call me again.

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