Leaving the sociopath and the fog of confusion!

When you are in the relationship with the sociopath, you are effectively being brainwashed. It can come as quite a shock when the sociopath suddenly discards. You can be left feeling ‘what the hell just happened?’ and struggling to come to terms with reality.

This feeling is partially shock. The truth is almost too painful to believe. You don’t want to believe it. It is easier to hang onto the false reality and illusion in your mind that the sociopath has painted. It is difficult to let go of your hopes and dreams and to realise that you have suffered all of these losses – for a big fat ‘nothing’.


Graphic www.jenniferkruse.com

I write often about the stages of bereavement and how this is important in the relationship ending with the sociopath, as you have to come to terms with that you have been involved with somebody who is not who you thought. The person that you were sharing your life with, did not exist. Was not real. At least not in the way that you thought real. What you saw was only what the sociopath allowed you to see. Which is realistically not very much at all. The sociopath in the relationship, keeps tabs on you and your life, whilst keeping their own life secret and private. They do this by their relentless games. They create a mask of illusion by

  • Constantly talking so that you cannot ask questions
  • Tell you that you are ‘paranoid’ or ‘keeping on’ if you do get a word in to ask questions. there is relentless chatter, to divert you from what you really want to tackle and talk about
  • Lies and false information are constantly fed to you, to keep you victim and keep you captive. To derail you and keep you from the truth
  • Mirroring and seduction techniques to make you feel good, and to create an artificial high (that will later make you feel dependent on the sociopath)
  • Being just the person that you ‘need’ to help you through your troubles. Or offering a bright and fantastic future, to keep you hanging on  string, and waiting for them to fulfil their empty promises (that they never will)
  • Telling you constantly just how great they are and making you feel that you are lucky to have them in your life
  • Compulsive pathological lying, dramatic actions that mask and cover their lies

All the above and many other things that sociopaths do to create their mask of illusion.

Moving from illusion to reality

When first leaving the relationship, it is common to feel confused. You do not know what to think or feel. Often your mind has been manipulated for a considerable time. You have been brainwashed. Your thoughts and emotions were cruelly manipulated and controlled. You didn’t have time to think for yourself.

Being abandoned and discarded after being treated this way, can leave you in the fog of confusion.

What is the fog of confusion?

Everybody when first leaving the relationship with the sociopath will go through the fog of confusion. You are left feeling bewildered and dazed. It is like somebody has taken you and spun you around fast 100 times. It is difficult to know what was the truth and what was the lie. When in the fog of confusion you will:

  • Search for the truth and understanding
  • Read all that you can, wanting the horrible truth not to be reality
  • Constantly cast your mind back, and go through events in your mind over and over?
  • Feel foolish and ashamed
  • Struggle to find the words to explain what has happened to you
  • Fear judgement from others
  • Not want the truth to be real, and wanting to go back to the honeymoon period, when you were promised everything and wanting this to be reality
  • Find it difficult to think with clarity
  • Feel that your head feels ‘foggy’
  • Want to reach out to your sociopath ex, for answers, to discover that it was all a big mistake, that the truth is not reality

Moving out of the fog of confusion

When you find the truth, you will start to come out of the fog of confusion. Remember that nobody stays in confusion forever. Confusion is always a prelude to clarity. However, clarity and the truth might be difficult to come to terms with. When you look at the situation you struggle how somebody that claimed to have such love for you, and all of the promises that were made, could possibly be so cruel.

In many ways, the fog of confusion, is a state of shock. Whilst in shock you are protected from harsh reality. But you cannot stay there forever. If the sociopath thinks that they can use you some more, or that you just have a form of supply that they could use, they might keep in contact (not always) continuing to feed you false information, and lying to you further. This will only keep you trapped in the fog of confusion. It will NOT bring the sociopath back, or change what has happened. You need to face the reality that the sociopath LIED to get what they wanted. If you stay hoping that perhaps this is not true, and maybe it is all a big mistake, that will be explained, you stay at risk of the sociopath abusing you further.

Tips to help you to move out of the fog of confusion and into reality

  • Try to reconnect with people in your REAL LIFE – YOU YOUR LIFE.
  • Read as much as you can about sociopaths. The more that you read, the more enlightened you will become. The truth WILL set you free!
  • Talk to others who UNDERSTAND, this means if you can other victims. Just on this site you will see many stories that are just like yours
  • Know that this is no reflection on you. This is the way that the sociopath is. It is not personal it is business
  • Set up NO CONTACT and stick to it. it will be painful, but realise that you will never get closure from the sociopath. They  couldn’t be honest with you in the relationship, they wont be honest now. Seek the truth from other sources. If you read about sociopathy, and see YOUR relationship and what happened to you, see this as the truth, and don’t be deluded further by the sociopath
  • Understand that you WILL heal and recover, that things can get better
  • Also know, that nobody else can make you happy, only you. Happiness comes from within. You can find happiness again!! (just read comments on this site, people who are further into recovery, and are now starting to do well
  • Don’t throw yourself into another relationship immediately to make yourself feel better. It is likely to make you feel worse. After all a normal person won’t be faking perfection. Try to stay focused on yourself, the last thing that you need is someone else telling you how to think and feel. You need to find yourself
  • Remember that nobody stays confused forever. When you let go of fear, you will start to grow and grow into yourself. Do not be afraid to be YOU again.
  • Remember that the sociopath does  not have any part of you, that you do not have within you.

It does get better!!

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138 thoughts on “Leaving the sociopath and the fog of confusion!”

  1. This makes total sense. My initial realisation that I loved someone who didn’t exist. It made no sense because he did exist, just not as he existed to me. Even as I type that seems so bizarre. I struggle still to talk about it because it’s as if I was in a fairy tale. A bad, nasty fairy tale.

    1. I totally know how you feel Cate…today I thought to myself that this needs to just all be a bad memory and I need to be ok with it. It was not real at all and I just want it to go away. Easier said than done but I know in time it will come true.. hang in there. ..I believe better things are ahead…anything is better than what we endured. ..

    2. Talking about it will help you and someone else that’s having problems too! You have to remember 1 out of every 4 person have some form of a SP. Those numbers are high!!!!!

      1. 1 out of 25 is bad enough… imagine how horrible a world it would be if it was 1 out of 4!!!!! 🙂

  2. Hi Cate, yes you were in a bad, nasty fairy tale . Now, your out, be glad and rejoice!!! I look at it as a fake love, fake relationship, and a fake him. Pretty soon you will realize you didn’t love him! You love what he sold you, which was you!!!! Because if I knew the real him I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him let alone just liking him!!! So, be strong!!!!

    1. You’re so right Kay. I hadn’t thought of it like that but what you say makes complete sense to me. I loved me mirrored back to me from him. Ahh, I can do without bullshit like that. Kay, thank you so much for lifting the dark cloud.

      1. We’ve all been there that’s why we are here. I’m still healing, everything happen to me since August so I’m new to this too! But, I’m healing I have forgiven. I know he has a mental problem but most importantly I’m living again. I feel like a brand new person been with my SP off and on ( you know that story) for 6 years. I’m enjoying me and loving me! Reading and educating yourself is the fastest way for me to heal. Because I realize it was not me never was me. I’m not ashamed I share my story with several people. When people discuss their relationships with me when it sounds like they were in a Mental relationship I directed them to this website! A lot of them are liz
        Me WOW! Because SP do the same things it is still amazing to me that we all dated And married the same people! I still shake my head when I hear or read about the different stories. Life is wonderful and I’m in my 40’s and I can’t be living in confusion (Phyillis Hyman song, she was talking about a SP) anymore. This to shall pass it will get better, you will have a smile on your face, again!

      2. I can’t say Thank You enough to you Positivagirl! I would still be living in confession if it wasn’t for you! And what I mean by that I wouldn’t be able to get myself to the place I’m at now because I would still be feeling like everything was my fault , that I was the worst person I the face of the earth, that I wasn’t good enough, and the OW was better than me and that he is living the good life with her. Because these were things that the SP told me and wanted me to believe but I know better because of this blog and wonderful people like you! I just want to say Thank you, all!

      3. Wow! So right Kay and Cate, I always felt I was having a relationship with myself because he only reacted to my personality (mirrored). Which means I am flippin awesome in reality 🙂

      4. It has been 8 months no contact. I am about 75% back to normal feeling good and happier than I’ve been in awhile…. My life is getting back to pre SP days. Thank you all for my recovery I couldn’t have done it with out all of your help!!!! Stay strong everyone it does get better!!!!

  3. Thank you Thank you as I read each paragraph was excitly what he did & felt all the way to end of words.healing yes. Confused. He s even served me with a stay away order claiming he’s a victim of abuse claims of events no case reports claimed a case that was dismissed 2012 in court clearly brings in back to life as if I was convicted he falsely filed report I was arrested. Loss my van & cat 5 days later told d.a.he lied. He also claims our family dog is his service dog for his tail bone. He has no medical disbilty except being a drunk and mood swings. Service dog who will attack any dog around. I wave my hands. Not involved. His new victim is married & very rich intelligent & pretty. No words & I must not look into his eyes.god bless. New beginning for me. Cat Thomas

  4. I have read more on sociopaths than I ever thought possible. Everything you have posted on this site has brought me closer to healing. Yes, they do try to contact you again and if you answer like I did, you wonder if somehow it will be different. I had even moved out of the state but he still got to me. This is a man who almost choked me to death and said so. I look back now and wonder what in the world I was thinking to let him back in. He no longer is, as a trip we were to go on together I cancelled because I caught him in another lie. Lying for him was pathological as you say. Charm without a doubt and treated me very well in front of others but behind closed doors I knew something wasn’t right, that this was just not normal. I haven’t heard from him now in 3 months and in these months have found this site where recovery has begun. Knowing he was just an illusion makes it difficult as well as easier. How could I have been so naive ( he always told me that) but on the other hand knowing he wasn’t real makes me realize I wasn’t crazy. I want to thank you for starting this site, the knowledge I have gained is just amazing.

  5. “When you are in the relationship with the sociopath, you are effectively being brainwashed. It can come as quite a shock when the sociopath suddenly discards. You can be left feeling ‘what the hell just happened?’ and struggling to come to terms with reality.

    This feeling is partially shock. The truth is almost too painful to believe. You don’t want to believe it. It is easier to hang onto the false reality and illusion in your mind that the sociopath has painted. It is difficult to let go of your hopes and dreams and to realise that you have suffered all of these losses – for a big fat ‘nothing’.”

    I lovvvvvvvvvveee this bit!!! that’s the most painful stage…but we do get over it eventually in time 🙂

    1. Isn’t that the truth! They discard and move on like you never existed. Truth is this is the sociopath full circle. He never existed. Very well said, shock is exactly how you feel. Loss and what do I do. For all of you going through the beginning of the discard phase, KEEP THE FAITH AND DON’T LET HIM WIN. RECONNECT AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE LUCKY ONE! You’re out of the lie, the house of glass and mirrors is gone. The skies are blue and the sun is shining. Love yourself no matter how deep in debt you’ve become (it’s only money), no matter how much they’ve taken or you’ve given or how they left you destitute (cuz’ they don’t care, really!) but know YOU ARE THE LUCKY ONE.

  6. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

    Sorry couldn’t help myself.

    1. As Narcistic rage/anger is common in Sociopaths (no matter how rarely it surfaces) does that mean that the death star was full of sociopaths? Hmmm… think i will stick to the light.

      1. Well most of them were clones, granted the template was probably a socio but they were manipulated to follow orders and work together.

  7. Yes, it does get better. And the clarity after the fog of confusion is great because we gain ourselves back. Thanks again for a great post!

  8. I’m still learning. I’m still struggling to accept the reality that he is not real, that he is fake as his war tattoos. ..he never went to any war. He is using me, as he used his exgirlfriends, his ex wife, his ex lovers, even his son.

    1. Just hang in there as eventually it does get better. You will see at some point, the beautiful world around us. While there are deceitful people out there, there are also truthful, wonderful people who brighten our lives. Try to keep this in mind as that is what has also helped me in this healing…

    2. That sounds like a Sp i knew. He said he was In the war. I found out From his mom he never was. He even had a Marine tatoo.

      1. @Sylvia, my Pinocchio have two tatoos of the time he was at war on the army…he just went to basic training before being discharged. He also have photos of the place he went when he was on the army, all the photos are from internet. How much a person is capable of lying?

  9. Positivagirl,
    Thank you once again for making this all somehow make some sort of sense. This is a horrible situation to go through, I would not wish it on anyone!!! I am still struggling with the way things were to finding out the truth and it is very confusing! We went from laying on the beach in May…kissing, holding hands, looking in each other’s eyes and him professing his love, the greatest love ever…to laying on a beach in July on our honeymoon with him not speaking to me or even looking at me…and it’s just so strange..nothing had changed, no fighting nothing…just suddenly stopped loving me….so CRUEL!

    1. No. It isn’t that he stopped loving you. It is that he stopped faking it. I know how you can go over and over it in your mind. Trying to make sense of it. But this is like trying to make sense of the nonsensical. You are applying ration to an irrational selfish self centred man. Who only ever thought of himself and his own needs. It wasn’t that he stopped loving you. He just stopped pretending. And walked off without conscience. As he doesn’t have one.

    2. You are right. It is cruel. But it says more about the empty cold shell of a person he is. And always will be. Would you want him that empty devoid person who pretends as he cant feel for the rest of your life? You are now free.

      1. Very true, he is an empty shell…he has even referred to himself as not being able to feel anything, just numb…this is him in his victim mode. It makes me sick that his family and superficial acquaintances are conned by him and they all feel so sorry for him, poor thing is so heartbroken! They all say how he says how much he misses me and loves me and he is just pitiful. I KNOW who he really is, I KNOW it in my gut…I see through his kind smile, sweet eyes, and caring, shy FAKE demeanor! I think he knows that I have figured him out too and I have called him out on his lies and who he really is….it does feel good to know I am smarter than him and he no longer can fool me!!!
        How is he able to fool everyone around him?

      2. Positivagirl

        Do you believe there are times when these type of people are actually happy or are they simply miserable all of the time, but just faking that they are content? My spath led on that he was so very happy and everyone was truly fooled by him, but the side he showed me was lonliness and coldness, constantly. I can’t imagine anyone being happy with that frame of mind.

      3. They don’t know too much different and get happiness from duping conning winning being in control. Winning stupid games can bring dupers delight and the joy of conning. However it’s short lived. They are opportunists. So they get pleasure from ceasing and winning an opportunity

    3. Oh my God!!! My wedding day in 2003 was so perfect. Exactly one week later on our honeymoon he became his real, true self. Like he flipped some kind of switch. One moment I am blissfully happy & the next moment his STONEWALLING began. Like I didn’t exist. Then for the next 10 years; controlling behavior, Cruel words, hateful actions, stonewalling, lack of empathy or any kind of emotion…countless things that FINALLY help me realize that I am married to a sociopath. Yep, very hard to accept; but I am finally divorcing him. I want & will get my life back. I have missed the strong, confident woman that I used to be. It will take time , but I have faith that I will find myself and be happy again 😊 We ALL deserve happiness & I will no longer beat myself up for staying with this toxic man for WAY too long.

      1. Hi Wendy I was married to one of these sad lonely individuals for 32 years… The day will come when you go out on a sunny day and breath the fresh air and feel life is good… You will then be a stronger much wiser person thats the one good thing that comes from knowing a sociopath

  10. Do you any of you wonder if you were “programmed”? JK could you please add some feedback to this question too?.

    I feel like part of me is missing–I know that is also par for the course of dating a sociopath with all the manipulation, mind control, brain washing, hypnotism, seduction, charm, love bombing etc. I definitely resisted, called him out and kept my conviction intact through out–he never got full control/dominance. I know for a fact It is my faith that saved me and protected me from so much worse–and got me out. I had a reversion about 7 years ago but the last 5 I have been really deepening my faith practice. Of coudistract rse he used all of this–to fake and mirror that we shared this–and having never met a man who did, It would charm & distract me and derail me.

    It has been 2 months and 2 days for me of NC. He has only as of the last week stopped emails etc. But as I continue to recover and seek healing–I am noticing deeper effects, feelings etc. I have been praying deliverance prayers–as I definitely feel the evil one was using him & the empty shell is a perfect playground for evil–he had door open-all the lies and destructive stuff if even behind my back–but more his intent–wether conscious or unconscious or mix of the two. The seduction, predator stare, and smile are all tip offs.

    But also, know I am noticing how many times I was pretty much hypnotized and suggestible–which then makes me think soc have the ability to “know” and target you. We know they are great assessers, readers and can get into your thought process.This made me then think–that perhaps I was “programmed” as a child as I have barely any memory before age 10. And he clicked right into it? Even has a 6th sense for it, and maybe has uncanny programming abilites himself?I have not experienced anything like this–It does feel like part of my soul/heart and even a whole part of me is missing. I am recovering slowly –but it is the most disturbing feeling…and I keep remembering specific times I was with him–and almost like under a spell. Again, though he was not able to penetrate my faith & conviction which I know was a grace from God. He totally tried to use my faith to reach me–but that is exactly where his mask became detectable–the truth is the truth, it does set you free–and it is the surest way to reveal a wicked game/false person– I can not stress enough how by the grace of God go I. I wish everyone peace, protection and release from this captivity.

    Anyway, I am starting to wonder if somehow Soc may have been “programmed” and also if somewhere in my past I was too–and its all part of the spiritual battle. Or am I just lost in fantasy as I look for answers? This is almost too difficult to confront, but I cant help but wonder. I will recover the pieces of my heart–so I am willing to go to any length to understand–I want & deserve to move forward and have a blessed, abundant life–as do we all. One step at time, with faith, hope & love. For me, faith in God is everything=life.

    Thank you for this post, I am trying to do everything to recover–stopped neglecting my eating habits, have support network and counsel–and as always prayers daily for my healing–for everyone else in recovery & for soc as well–I still cant wrap my head fully around the incapability to love–but I know its true as I experienced it as a very empathic person. I know God can do all things, and his love is enduring–he loves each one us and promised not to leave us orphans so I also know that Jesus can love the soc & even work miracles. I am not banking on anything, just letting go and letting God–as only He can if anyone–and I trust in his love —for me, and all.

    JK, I know you mentioned in another post that you follow faith. That it keeps you in check. Do you think it also helps to transform or touch you and/or the way you may approach life, others etc? Do you believe that others praying may actually help protect you or others from temptation or evil? Just wondering–as God is love, so wondering how that effects empathy, capability to love or be moved over time–and possibly even bless instead of hurting others…

    Peace & Restoration to all,

    1. I don’t believe I have ever said I follow faith, I’m an atheist, I follow the scientific method which helps me stick to some form of code so as not to be found out. All of my “morals” as it were I work out based on logic. For the record if I did believe in a divine being I would consider them to be sociopathic.

      I don’t exactly think programmed is necessarily the right word but since I can’t think of a better way to explain it atm we can stick with it.

      1. Hi JK,

        We haven’t spoken yet – but your comment intrigued me. What you said sounded very much like what I used to hear from my ex…in terms of not believing in faith, but rather referencing science and pure logic as a way of life. Without explaining the reason why you are this way, do you openly share that belief with people you meet? My ex was very open about it…in fact, he made it very clear that someone who actively followed any type of faith or religion was a deal breaker for him.

      2. Hi, I normally say I’m atheist if it comes up and regularly make flippant remarks with regard to religion but I tend not to mention it at first till I know how people will react (being blunt about that sort of thing can offend people after all). It’s the paranormal that annoys me, it’s one thing to say someone’s spirit goes somewhere we can’t detect but to tell me one knows their house is haunted cos you heard noises this one time is just ridiculous, that said you can believe it just don’t mention it to me. Anyway faith isn’t a deal breaker so long as the person isn’t trying to convert me and isn’t extremist, also they have to be able to take sarcastic comments about it but I will reciprocate taking jokes.

      3. Good presumption, life after death has more credibility than karma but I have yet to see good evidence for it, karma is a nice idea but completely illogical. But as I say you can believe what you like.

  11. PS

    I feel like so much of this reocery is de programming–as if in a cult etc. Especially if you do not want the boomerang effect with your soc or another in the future—that missing part is essential to living a full life and to experience safe, real love. Just my 2 cents. What are your thoughts on this Postiva? Thank You! EL

    Wish I knew someone skilled at helping me De programming–although this site does AWESOME job of unveiling the process 🙂 with gratitude to all who post & share stories, hope and healing–Positiva, really doing amazing service to our souls & hearts. As a counselor I can see why this is so important to know & learn–as so many people are broken and fragmented–so if we can find the pieces for ourselves, we can help others too.

  12. Fortunately I established the no contact with my ex sociopath and abandoned her before she could hang me out to dry. My life was ruined substantially and before it got any worse, I bolted. Twenty twenty foresight enabled me to see what could have happened and this post hits the “what could have happened” very accurately

    1. I had a heads up from my little sociopaths ex husband , millimeteres before the ” final curtain ” .

      She ruined him financially & emotionally & came within a whisker of doing the same to me . She still managed to mostly ruin my life , I will never repair wonderful relationships with loved ones , never mind the cash that she stole . I feel sick every day 8 months later , the damage is endless with this creatures 😦

      1. Yes, you will! It will take time, it will take effort, but you have all the qualities to regain yourself, your loved ones and your financial stability.
        My ex, my Pinnochio, left me after getting all my savings, after using one of my credit cards to the limit, after putting all my loved ones to the limit, after physically and emotionally hurt me. And you know what after the typhoon strikes, after all the confusion, after a surgery to repair the broken eardrum that he gave me after he blow my face, after all the tears, after all the calls with my creditors to try to solve my economic situation, . I can only said that I received the best lesson that the life can give me, I learned on the hard way that I am a valuable person, that trust is something that you give only to those who have words and actions to prove it, that the people that really love you will stand with you no matter what.
        Stay strong, everything will be better.

  13. Thank you for this post. It is timely and well-received.

    For those who are in the early stages of recovery, I can attest that time does heal. I was in such a fog when I left at the beginning of this year and I continued to bounce from home to home for months. I lived with four sets friends before finally leaving the state to live with my family. I also left my job as I was working with a sociopath, as well. Sort of a full on house cleaning this year. Every step forward has been for the best.

    On Thanksgiving last year my ex asked me to marry him. It was out of the blue/very much out of character. I believe he was seeing that I was beginning to question red flags and it was a way to establish further control. While I am tremendously grateful that I left, I have some trepidation about the holiday coming up. I know that time will help, as well.

    Stay strong in your journey.

  14. I was always confused. That is all I can say. Completely anxious and confused over it all. 8 months long distance. I have insecurities and a lot of them which makes the confusion much worse but by the end of it it was clear that if I couldn’t read her mind, I would never understand her and that she couldn’t give anything, she just wanted someone who could attend to her without her making an effort. She cleverly intellectualized it all. I am so confused as to what was real and what wasn’t. Its been a week and I am really sad but relieved too.

  15. I have lived with a man three yrs. and he convinced me to marry him and things would change , he would stop disappearing on me and start helping me financially instead of me having to take care of all the finances, i was a widow and lost my high school sweetheart, never thought i would love again our love me like my late husband and he did at the beginning , he made me feel alive again, i felt the sun shinning and then it all changed , he was so cold, never explain his disappearing, would say he couldn’t stand to be around me , couldn’t stand to look at me. Then he would tell me he loved me, was mad , couldn’t live without me …. Sometimes, i would watch him just starring at nothing and i would ask him if he was depressed about something and he would say No…Never met his family, they never came to visit but once, thought it was strange that his sister took a picture of him to show his mom cause his eyes use to be brown and now they were green, his hair brown and now blonde and gray…they just never really kept in touch, in ten years met his dad twice and his sister once, thats it , only family i met.. never wanted to visit them on holidays… vacation, said never went on one till he met me…very strange man …wasn’t the loving man i thought i had fallen in love with… he would laugh when i cried and acted so cold… said he never loved me , he was just lonely, when he met me…. then he would say he always loved me… He never pd. his bills collectors always calling , his truck was repossessed and i would go pick him up and take him to work, he didn’t seem to care about anything, lost my mom he was just sitting next to me, didn’t show me affection, attention, thank god for my son…my son would tell me something is wrong with him he not normal…he would get so angry… drink a lot… i was starting to be afraid.. he left almost a yr and a half ago , he texts me … still cold .. but he told me his father and him were sociopath, they were diagnosed…yrs ago… now i am confused, afraid….but it all make sense to me… why i started feeling this dark cloud over us all the time…my mother died but before she did she told me , he looked evil to look in his eyes that they were empty!!!

    1. Hi Sandra, do you know that when your partner died. Who you described was the love of your life. You were full of ‘light’ bereavement can do that to you. And for a person who is from the darkness – they can be attracted to your light, your vibrancy the love that you had for your partner. Then your mother died…. and he was not there for you. before your mother died she told you the truth;. That there was nothing in his eyes. Just an empty space where a soul should be. Nothing but a blackness of space. She was helping you and telling you the truth. You then have two choices – to go into the darkness with him….. or to stay on your own and within your own light. A light that he will try to very hard to put out.

  16. Yes, it would be terrible! It’s bad enough I have to protect myself from the 1 out of 25! I actually met one a month ago! He asked me out and than started gas lighting me and lying before we went out. I cut that loose real fast! So, that’s why I keep saying 1 out of 4!!! 🙂

    1. I know. they are everywhere! Now i know that they exist, i remember other occasions when i had near misses. One in particular stands out, we had met on line and were now in phone conversation but had not yet met in person. Already things weren’t adding up. lies he told me… first he had a yacht, then it was one he bought with his friends and shared then it became suspect that it even existed. First he was a manager a qantas, then he worked at on the tarmac as team leader, then i heard him being told to go on break one day!?! On about our fourth phone conversation he was inviting me to go away with him and how great we would be together…OMG! that is when i went whoa! I stopped all contact then but the guy kept ringing me for months, apologising, wanting to make things right. that we were meant to be together… i hadnt’ even met him. Spooky!

      funny thing was, when i broke up with my ex the first time and he went straight on eharmony, when we got back together i broke into his account and i saw similar traits to this freaky guy.. there was one girl that he had messaged 3 times (early november) and was asking her to commit to a concert on christmas eve. She had a bit of a freak out too. and another one he was saying in the second email that he wanted to have 3 more children and indicated with her… (this BTW, was in the week that we were gettign back together and he was saying how much he missed me)

      anyway… i rattle on.

      Thank goodness it is not 1 out of 4!

      1. It is done,
        They say you can find several online, because they really lie about themselves and they can get away with it. Your story remind me of the guy I met, he was fine. But what he was saying wasn’t adding up either and when I question him he would get twisted and upset. He told me he had a beach house, but he lives in an apt. He owned a truck garage and make over three hundredth thousand a year. The lies keep coming but the thing that got me we were suppose to got out to dinner on Friday and our conversation the day before he like traveling, and going out. Heck I met him in a bar. But, he wanted me to come to his apt. And I asked about use going out. He snap and said he don’t like going out and me coming to his apt was like going out. REALLY! I was like I will call you back never did!!!! He started calling me too! ThAn he asent me a text! Hey not Spook but an Sociopath!!!!!!
        I’m not going to get in a situation were I can’t leave it!!! Or have someone lying to me about everything even things that don’t matter, or mistreating me, and if he can’t act the same all the time something is not right!!!!

      2. Aint that the truth! This is what our experience has taught us… that lying, even small ones, is not acceptable. To trust our red flags and question the orange ones… that is our right! and if the answers aren’t acceptable,/actions don’t match words, then GOODBYE! It has taught us to believe in ourselves and our gut, because we are empathetic we have extra strong intuition – now i trust and believe in my intuition.

      3. but i also believe in myself and i am worth more than someone who lies to me and does not treat me right. I am good enough. No one has the right to treat me badly. Especially someone who professes to love me.

      4. Hi It Is Done,

        If there is something I learnt after having gone through this process, it is to always trust my gut. My “hinky meter” went off constantly in the last year that my ex and I lived together. I chose to ignore it – bc everything seemed so perfect, but it still caused me to pull back in the relationship. He noticed this and would always throw in my face that I didn’t love him (classic victim) – and I would feel so bad and think that something was just wrong with me. Looking back, I now know that part of me knew something was wrong with him.

        From now on, my hinky meter is going to rule what I do!

        And – you’re so right! No one has the right to treat you badly…whether they’re a sociopath, a narcissist, or just a down right idiot. You deserve to be treated the way you treat others – with kindness, respect and honesty. Period.

      5. Sigh… what you’ve said is very true. I’d also add, if they want to be with another/others, let them go. I believe I’m worthy of being #1. I don’t like being jealous, but I feel like when I’m with someone, the #1 woman position in his life belongs to me. And, if I wanted to be part of a harem, I would join a brothel.

      6. absolutely jusa! That is a deal breaker of the biggest dimension. Never accept less than number one. Never accept other girls in the relationship. Or anyone. I put him as number one. He should put me as number one. In my relationship with the soc, i didnt even rank… no one did. It was all about him him him.

  17. Well Said Prophette! And i love that – Hinky meter!:-)

    My issue was that a past boyfriend had cheated on me and lied to me and actually broke me (i now think he was a narcissist). I therefore thought that all my red flags with the ex soc were from my insecurities from that relationship. My ex had no need to manipulate or gas light me as i did it to myself!!!! He just had to agree with me! Unfortunatley for him though, because of that experience i had grown and was never going to be broken again.

    Anyway, what i have learnt from this is that my gut is right. That i wont go into the next relationship and think bad things are happening that arent… if i think bad things are happening it is because they are.

    Many people here ask the question of how they will ever trust again? That was my problem, i thought it was me… We just have to learn to trust ourselves. Its not about trusting them. its about trusting our gut. Our hinky meter. I do now. but only because i have gone through it twice. after the first time i was so damaged because i never knew what had happened… what he was, now that i know, it all makes sense and I trust ME!

    That probably doesnt’ make sense. hard to explain. I wish i could teach/explain properly to everyone what i now understand…

    fire bell just rang…. got to go!

    1. If it looks like a duck, and swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then guess what? It’s a g*ddamn duck! No more of this: “wellllll….the duck is kinda cute, and I’ve always sorta wanted my own duck, and maybe just maybe this duck will one day turn into something better than a duck”.

      Trust the hinky and I doubt we’ll ever go astray. Cuz, you know…if it looks like a Soc, and sounds like a Soc….

  18. It has been a year and a half since I discovered the man of my dreams, the love of my life was actually the devil in disguise. I have not had an easy life, but this is by far the most traumatic thing that I have ever gone through. This site has been my life raft. With that said, I am doing better than I ever expected that I would and I consider myself a strong Woman, but I am losing faith that I will ever truly get over it all. I can move on and I am, but I don’t think that I will ever forget or totally understand how and why these demented MF’s are allowed to do what they do and get by with it. I can only hope and pray that eventually their evil deeds will catch up with them -big time!

    1. Hi Mimi,

      I can relate to everything you just said – the only difference is that for me, it’s been a year. I’m starting to realize that I don’t think I will truly get over it all – it’s been the worse thing that’s ever happened to me, I was totally hurt and devastated by what happened, and it took every ounce of my being to pull myself out of the state he left me in. I just don’t think it’s possible for me to “let it go” like I have with other relationships – bc those people didn’t do to me what he did. For me, I think the key was to realize that what he did will stay with me forever, bc he changed me as a person. But instead of focussing on that as a negative, I try and see the positive impact. I am stronger now than I ever was, I have educated myself about these sorts of people and can now identify the warning signs, I am able to still find happiness without him, I appreciate the kindness in people way more than I used to, and I know that I am actually lucky bc I no longer have him in my life.

      Karma will indeed get these MF’s…and to be honest, it already has bc they will never get to experience life the way that we can – with real feelings, real connections, and true happiness.

      And when all else fails, I imagine myself running over him in my truck. A couple of times. Doing 90.

      Have faith 🙂


      1. Everything that you are saying is the same for me. I just don’t know if I will ever get over the experience. Its not that I miss him; I miss the person I was before I KNEW someone like him on an intimate level. I don’t like the feelings that it made me have towards another human being (even if he is a terrible one). I know that I could get news that he had died and I wouldn’t feel anything. I don’t hate him, but I hate what he did to the person I was. It has been almost 6 months and I am still struggling to assess the situation and dating someone new is not even on the table. If I think about it, it almost makes me sick. When you say that you are able to appreciate kindness and love that I see in people. I have made an effort to spend more time with my family and close friends because I see how close I came to losing them. All of my emotions have been heightened and hardly a day goes by that I don’t cry about something….sometimes they are good tears in awe of how beautiful this life really is. Also, I’ve had a boyfriend almost constantly since I was 16, so this time alone has given me time to think about what I want. I’ve already planned two vacations for myself and look forward to the future. I know one thing….I won’t be roped in by a Soc again….

      2. I feel the same Adia. I hate what was done to me. I miss the person that i once was. And as for dating, just the thought also makes me feel physically sick. I couldn’t think of anything worse, and I don’t know if I would ever be able to trust someone again. The sense of betrayal is the worst for me. Just feel stabbed both to my face, and in the back. I do think that tears are healing. It is great that you have your family and friends in your life, so that you can love without fear that you are being conned or betrayed or what will happen next, what will this person do to you? I expect the vacations will do you good…. and you will see it coming if you saw a sociopath again. Once you know what to look out for, they are so obvious. As more people become aware, they will find it more difficult to hide. One thing that they are – is rats and vermin. Like a virus. Sounds like you are doing well in recovery!! 🙂

      3. Hi Adia,

        I think I spent the first three quarters of the year after the break up – waiting to be “over it” and hoping to get to a place of absolute indifference…but it just wouldn’t come, and then I felt so unsettled, frustrated and angry all the time. I’d think to myself – I’ve never held on to a past relationship like this before, so why isn’t this the same? It’s only been in the last few months that I realized the answer – this isn’t the same bc this time, I was traumatized. People don’t just “get over” traumatic life experiences – so how can I? Once I took that pressure off myself, I was finally able to start processing everything…and focus on the important things that would help with the healing.

        I’m like you – I don’t miss him, but I definitely miss me…and so do the people who truly care about me. And they are my inspiration for getting better. I agree with you on the dating comment – it is the furthest thing on my mind. I know I can’t have a healthy relationship with someone until I am healthy myself. I do what you’re doing – spend time with family and friends, appreciating all the positive things in life.

        Congrats on planning the vacations! That is amazing progress. I wish you continued success on your road to recovery 🙂


      4. thing about waiting to get over him that is like waiting to start your life. What are you waiting for? What is going to change unless you make that change??

      5. I did make that change. What I finally realized is that it wasn’t him I was having a hard time getting over – it was what he did to me. I was paralyzed by this for so long – and I was sick of it. What happened happened – and it sucked large. But I was tired of feeling sorry for myself and trying to get some kind of closure from him that I felt would kick start my healing. So, I got closure on my own…by doing my research I realized he was a crazy person and I wasn’t going to let him keep me in that unsettled place in my life. I changed my way of thinking. No more pity parties. I took control over my own happiness. Surrounded myself with positive people and started doing positive things. I now make progress every day.

    2. I feel like our eyes are opened for a reason. I don’t think everyone in the world comes to know this complex truth about humanity (I doubt my parents or grandparents know/knew anything of this reality). I can’t help but think we are supposed to do something with this information. I feel like it must make us understand human nature differently and help us view individuals from more diverse perspectives. That, in itself, cannot be a negative thing, however painful coming to this information has been. I think we have to flip it—turn it around to a deeper compassion for hurting people, offer deeper understanding where others can offer only superficial sympathy. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t believe these lessons were meant to be in vain or continually in pain. I do firmly believe, however, that a person must experience enough pain to recognize the need for change. Just my .02.

      1. Jusa – you’re totally right. I think back to when I was in the throes of the break up, and I’d be telling my besties what we was saying and doing – and they’d look at me with their mouths gaping open, and like I had 3 heads. They couldn’t process what I was describing, bc they were lucky enough to have never been with someone like him. So no – not everyone gets to know this type of complex individual. But – some of us do, and I agree that this must be for a reason. I have been taught that everything bad that happens to a good person, is bc there’s a lesson in there for them. The more difficult the situation, the more important the lesson…

      2. My therapist thinks I am complicating a simple situation. For her, it is a no-brainer: his chosen career is drug dealer, you are a mother, you don’t want to be tempted into his level of sin, etc. After talking through though, she learned I didn’t know this about him before I originally built a relationship to him, that I’d seen movement towards him changing this/his life, and that I feel a responsibility about his well-being (or, at least to leave him well) as well as my own. These are things we talked through to where I believe I know my own next steps and am comfortable with them. But it is a good example of how others looking in, without the same perspective, can’t understand. It is, after all, not their journey… as with many things in life, the ability we have to help someone else depends on our capability to hear them and try to really understand their unique issues with the situation. Does not equal simple because they are not necessarily OUR issues.

  19. Just had a flashback…Of the day he told her he was leaving her for me. And everything we went through because of it. Traumatizing.

    Is anyone there? Is this normal? It feels so real like I’m back at that day. I can’t shake it.

    1. What has happened to bring this back to you? Was it a memory trigger? Or you might not want to talk about it. I would imagine that it is your body doing a detox of toxins. It can be upsetting and release tears but this is you letting go and processing something that maybe you repressed before? Or maybe you are seeing it in a new light and this can be painful. I had one of those moments the other night and I cried my eyes out. But it was just me processing what I had shut away.

      1. I’m freaking out. I was calm. watching a show at night. and in the show he leaves his current spouse for this woman. and their conversation in this show instantly took me back to the day he left her for me. I can’t stop crying. I loved him so incredibly much. I was there standing next to him through hell. And it was hell for me too. I put myself out there and took the scarlet letter for him, for us. I can’t believe how two souls can be so entertained, and then complete strangers. That, to me, is the biggest tragedy.

        I remember his face so vividly that night. I can hear his voice telling me he told her its over. I can see him laying next to me. My chest is so tight. I literally feel like he is next to me or with me. I feel her pain, too. I feel the entire pain of the situation we both took head on. It’s not just a memory, its a full on experience. I am there.

        And as I look at the calendar, 6 months ago today was a huge fundamental day in our relationship. 6 months ago, I took a flight back to him after some time apart, to start our lives together.

        I don’t know what is going on with me, or why this is happening all now. How shocking it is to lose someone who was literally a piece of you, walking outside of you, next to you. It is like a serious death I have repressed.

      2. Was it you that said you were dating again gl? Or was it someone else. This whole two souls. Gl if he is a sociopath he was just mirroring you. That is what they do. They take off so easily as they lack commitment they can’t be on their own. If he left his last partner for you, he would leave you for someone else. This is the way that he is. And onwards with plenty of flowery language to create this great soulmate illusion. I am sorry I don’t want to hurt you and I know the truth hurts. Sorry.

      3. 4 months ago was last contact. No sight no word from him. I have been progressing forward but rarely looking behind me to actually sit with all that has happened.

        And yes, you are so right. I am remembering all the flowery times. I am forgetting the horrific months after that and everything I found out about him because of it. I am forgetting his insane life. I am forgetting how dangerous he is.

        And yes, yes. I am seeing someone new. Not exclusively yet. But he is lovely. He is a gentlemen. He makes me laugh. He respects me. I know its still early, so I can’t say for sure enough about him. But I do like what i see so far and it feels good to let myself feel something. It feels different from panic and obsession.

        Do you believe souls/energies have sort of an imprint or memory? Do you believe when you feel something this strong it is more than just a memory? Not that it makes him more than just a sociopath…Is it possible for him to have these intense feelings of realization too? Even if they are tied to different mechanisms?

      4. Yes this is normal too. Have you ever quit smoking? At first you find it not too bad you know the reason why you are quitting. 3 or 4 months down the line when you have been doing so well it gets hard again and you can’t understand why. Maybe writing a reminder list of all the bad will help you to see why you decided to do no contact and help you to see this as your decision rather than abandonment?

      5. And your final paragraph yes I believe that they can tap into your energy field even from afar that is why cutting the chords excercise can be really useful.

      6. Thank you – yes – i will review my list. I will also try a cord cutting exercise again. It physically aches in my chest. It is such a strange feeling. Something I have been apart and separate from for months.

        I can’t lie – I miss the naivety. The not knowing he was a sociopath. Fortunately, now that i am aware, I can’t break NC and go back. I know who he is. But those months before? Some of the best. Even though it was fake for him, it was all real for me.

        I wonder – what are your thoughts on if you dream of someone, or if someone else is dreaming of you? Would you be in that same awareness?

        I went to an energist a few days ago for some clarity and she told me that whatever i am feeling, it is not me. I don’t know how much of that is true though.

      7. In one of them I was being chased with guns, and in the other I was being robbed. Maybe they don’t mean that, but I sure wake up with anxiety. I came a long way from anxiety attacks years ago. But with all these recent changes, I have suddenly adopted this new self doubt, and wondering whether I can do anything right. It isn’t a fun feeling. I spend half the day just pumping myself up, talking myself from day to day to keep my spirits high (instead of just laying around tonight and surrendering to them). Its a fight. I am exhausted of fighting though.

      8. Not yet, I actually thought about it yesterday, though. Might have to schedule something soon.

        The trauma part. I don’t know how to answer that, as i do not want to downplay some of the major traumas people have experienced. No one died, i wasn’t physically hurt, just afraid for my safety/life more than once. Very panicky. The whole situation for about 6-8 weeks was a constant drama of my property being destroyed, things being stolen, him leaving me, cheating on me, coming back to me, and discovering horrific truths about his past making him a completely different person. Just an entire roller coaster of non stop pain. All sorts of pain. I don’t know if I could call it a distinct trauma though.

  20. I had a compete nightmare 2 weeks ago where he found me and was trying to kill me. I don’t want to be haunted by such intense emotions.

      1. Yes much better now. He has been showing up in my dreams like once a week. Although, this time in my dream, I knew he was in the room but walked away unaffected.

  21. I have been no contact for 2 months and 11 days. I have been working hard, getting back to basics of self care– eating regularly, sleep, prayer and support. It has been up and down with withdrawals but overall slowly returning to myself.

    Here is the thing — soc was still contacting me w emails until 2 weeks ago. Since the silence– I have been going in and out of fantasy– I can check in and out as the fantasy world is cracking. It is very painful and I didn’t fantasize in this way when I was with him or even initially during NC. But now I’m having S&M/bondage type and its nothing I ever experienced before– suddenly I feel weak and desperate & having these fantasies that are dangerous ( which is how I felt at specific moments with soc) I hope to God I don’t hear from hear from him and I can keep myself in check, I really have made so much progress but I want to run into another mans arms and just be in fantasy — the pain and emptiness was there all along and probably made me the target — but ironically I kept my values and bolo undated while with soc on the most vulnerable areas, it’s now that I’m not with him that I am lost in it — and perhaps it’s also something that was really going on his world???? Aargh, please advise– I did start counseling too — but I feel this new desire to run to someone and escape

    1. Kept my values and boundaries in tact for the most part, where it was most critical… (Correction from previous post)

    2. Hi EL,

      Its great that you are in counselling, and can articulate how you are feeling. I don’t know too much about you or your background to be able to comment

      I would advise not to act out the fantasies, as this would make you feel worse.

      What it could be, is a reflection of how you are feeling ‘worthless’ and empty because of your experiences.

      Wanting to be with someone else in a wild way to get the sociopath right out of your system. the fact that you say that it is extreme form of sex, indicates punishment, either self punishment, or wanting to punish your ex (kind of I am not yours anymore)

      Feeling this way could also be indicative of the addiction after 2 weeks of no contact from the sociopath and wanting to get your fix….

      Of course those are just ‘ideas’ it would be best to discuss with your counsellor.

      1. Omigosh Positiva, this resonates with me entirely , and it is such a “driving force” I think also because I felt more sadness than anger throughout. I just want to unleash and let go — so much pent up mainly because I didn’t know half of what was going on — and for all intensive purposes was a ” good girl” — now I want to rebel, and I have no idea what he was into– so it also sets up fantasy projection. FYI– it still stands that you have a natural, instinctive, intuitive gift/knowing better than most counselors from your experience, relevtion and this very blog– thank you– I want to jump out of my skin- but your logic is grounding THANK YOU again 😉 EL

      2. You have all the answers within yourself. It is about you getting that ‘Eureka’ moment, when the understanding clicks inside of you. Whatever is right for you – everybody is different.

        Wanting to do this, is also indicative of you wanting to hurt yourself. Self abuse if you like. Some people do other types of punishment, like eating disorders, alcohol drug abuse. Maybe by his actions you felt sexually abused by him? If you felt sexually violated by him, you might wish to be with someone else to ‘wash away’ him…. get him out of your system so to speak.

        A lot of people can feel this way after an abusive relationship. particularly if the relationship was sexually abusive in anyway. I would say that those with increased risk are people who also suffer with BPD (borderline PD) especially or sometimes bipolar, as the emotions can feel stronger and therefore feel more painful.

        Maybe some things to discuss with your counsellor at your next visit.

      3. Also, clearly I feel addicted withdrawl now. And I don’t drink, drugs, food etc — no borderline or bipolar — but PTSD yes. I wanted to believe in him , and I’m realizing that since he wasn’t real — I’m still working with that cognitive dissonance– trying to make sense and since I haven’t been able to get the whole picture– I’m filling in the gaps with creative solutions in fantasy — sometimes healthy and sometimes just escape– overall felt unsafe but it got charmed away– and now with no charm or his many distractions, lies etc–I somedays confront truth and stay present but sometimes I check out and take a little vacation. Going back and forth is painful and I know with time as I fe all the feelings and truths I will be able to stay present and not seek to escape– but it can be very trying to do this with no vice– but really like you said, to escape through fantasy or rescue by another man would just set me back further– I have to stay with my feelings and feel them then let them go. It’s crazy how much more together, level headed I was during– now I’m breaking down– I know it’s a healing crisis with lots of opportunity to work on the true essence of real love. I’m just so glad that I don’t have to do it alone– I have support even though the nature of this can make it difficult to find real understanding and healing– I consider us all fortunate here.

  22. “Didn’t exist” – wow, that’s for sure! I remember the very moment it occurred to me that the relationship I’d thought we had hadn’t ever actually existed. That the one I’d been working so hard to get “back” to hadn’t *ever* existed. Finding the old emails a couple of years later just cemented that knowledge. Along with reminding me of all of the red (and orange) flags that had in fact existed in those early days.

    And I remember the moment when it occurred to me that he had probably never actually loved me, despite all his protestations that he did. Oh, sure, I do believe he loved – but he loved his own illusions of who I was, not the real me. I believe he was in love with an ideal of what he wanted, not the real me. I was a symbol of something he was looking for. He never actually saw *me*.

    http://abuseandbdsm.com, which is really about all abuse by now, not just in kink relationships

    1. Thank you for this link and info kinkylittlegirl, it is a wake up call for me and again reinforcing why maintaining NC is a non negotiable & puts a heavy dose of reality into my escape fantasies. I’m so glad to be safe and out — also, find healthier ways to cope instead of “punishing or rebellion”. I have no idea what stage of healing I’m in, I’m just glad I’ve begun the journey — slow and compassionate is in direct opposition of what the 9 months with soc was. Can’t believe I have to re learn how to take care of myself & love again when I feel I had b4 engaging in crackpot relationship. Patience to rebuild a more solid foundation for myself.

      1. Just treated myself to concert tickets for dec in NYC for holidays, as recovery gift and to take myself out on date — and I also joined gym to further bust through fear, detox emotions & soc by sweating it out and all while having a great time and taking back my power, identity, sexuality & joy ( I love to kick box, belly dance & Zumba) while “firming up” my core self 😉 all of this has been anxiety producing as I still second guess and doubt myself as I push through the fog — still waiting for the other shoe to drop– the more I take steps to recover there is this resistance to work through– as I gain confidence again in myself and do things to fulfill my own self care that was neglected when I met and became charmed & distracted by soc & fog of confusion. It’s such a weird process– I have so much fear that comes out whenever I take a step towards my own self care, mental health and happiness — it’s a mixed bag that brings to awareness how much I lost iof myself along the way– and at the same time that is illusion — I am really intact even though the soc somehow influenced me to feel so stuck in captivity. I did it to myself with his help— but I can only set myself free too — and I must do it for myself and on my own — make the decision to chose love over neglect — despite the brainwashing of fear. I was independent before soc, and I just need to reclaim my joy and peace that is rightfully earned and mine. This fog crap is so dang disorienting. And as you emerge you are still somewhat disoriented as everything just looks different after experiencing the world with and through soc. So , trying to stay grounded as I am torn between how things looked before soc, with soc and now after soc— and trying to recover back what is mine— and a new vision for myself that is far more real, sincere and blessed than the soc had me believe. And I really did somehow get influenced by what he was painting be it good, bad or indifferent. God is good and my focus is now on Him and what He wants for me — which is joy, healing, prosperity, love and purpose — trying to be receptive to grace– to override the setback & fear from relationship. Emptied out Monday by giving away CDs, books and trinkets/costume jewelry that was randomly given to me — I let it go– gave to my moms home health aide. I still have fleece and sweatshirt that I am holding onto not yet ready but need to part with. I also threw away some notes letters — but still have emails in a file — need to let go of. The emails though are a reality check for me as I responded honestly, with conviction& truth on love — really good for me to acknowledge — I do believe this is is all progress and not coincidental that I let go and replaced those things with gym mbership, concert tickets and love for myself– doing the things that I wanted and are meaningful to me — not just random love bomb items. I have really love bombed myself in the best way these last two days. But I’m still in withdrawals and and anxious– think exercise will do the trick to detox– also Monday while dining alone had the company of two different, very interesting, attentive, conversational men — it was the first time I was open and attracted this since soc– it really was soo refreshing & enjoyable to feel attractive, alive and engaging again with freedom and joy. Wishing everyone Happy Thanksgiving, EL

  23. for over 10 years, he led me on with declarations of love and promises of this great life. nothing made sense with him until now!

    1. Didn’t take long for shoe to drop. Have been up since 3am with nausea and knots in my stomach after dysfunctional family holiday — my sister in law ( who met soc once) ” oh he seemed like such a nice guy, so cute and looked good/young (he’s over 40) we all liked him and thought you two would end up married” suddenly I felt crazy again, remembering how charming and how he fit in so smoothly & effortlessly at family event. I can see now as observer how really no one is immune to his mask.

      Besides that, dealing with my father who has major soc like behaviors– is setting off every alarm in my system– I’m exhausted by “being strong” for my vulnerable, broken and immobilized mom. Recognizing what has happened to her during and after 50 years of marriage to one — never mind the impact this has/is having on me right now at this time while I’m still battling withdrawl/NC and recovery from soc. I need a job, place and some sort of self esteem back — which seems to be worn away with each step forward.. It is in itself abusive– and how could care taking my parents be any different given the scenario? The feeling of captivity while watching my own mom– is so debilitating. I just needed to express this as it is overwhelming to be in all of this– and the holidays to boot. Pace, EL

  24. I thought i really found my true long lost love when i ran back into my highschool boyfriend after 15 years. He had grown into a handsome strong looking man and u felt so fortunate. He treated me like a queen the whole 8 months that we were together. He never hit me, called me names or belittled me. What he did do was tell these bizarre stories, mirror me, stare in space, pathologically lie,and suffer from alcohol and drug addiction. I never understood why he never wanted me around his family and when i asked him he would say that they were crazy and how they mistreated him as a child, so i never tried to be around them. He would tell me almost five times a day how much he loved me and needs me in his life and i believed every word, he had captured my heart and soul. When i turned my back in my family and friends for him i felt like i did the right thing for the sake of my relationship since he always complained about how they were in our business and they didn’t want us to be happy. When everyone that i loved disappeared and it was just him in my life i felt alone, even though he was their. He barely ever talked and when he did it was about him being a hero or some buzarre crap. I used to feel like everything he said was just to far fetched, but never questioned it cause i loved him and didnt want to make him feel uncomfortable. Well one day he came to me and told me he was leaving but promised to return the next day. I didnt mind because i felt that we needed a little space since we werw together every day. He left and left all of his clothes, his car, his furnuture and never came back. I tried to call him and text only to get nothing but silence. I was so worried i called his parents only to find out that everything he told me was a lie. I was devastated i will never trust anyone the same again.

    1. Dear “lovednot”. I think you are lucky in a way, that you put into this relation only months. I gave 24 years and now realized that it was his plan to get to what he really wanted. He used my initiative, hard work, love and our mutual funds to drag me out of my friends leaving me in strange country to his lover of 10 years. I don’t even have a place on earth and enough money (I am retired) to go on with my life. I will have to ask my child to take care of me. You will recover from it. It’s better he is out. You can start your healing process. My poisonous male still contacts me and he is coming back to confuse me more. He makes sure I am still under his spell. This forum made me realized how I should treat it and it gave me strength. Be positive as I try to be. Knowledge and time will make you feel better 🙂

  25. A powerful read and this has helped me through a had mind F*** and now this read has really put the pin on the donkey its crazy but they are everywhere and they wait and wait for the proper time to strike thanks foe this blog massive indeed !!!

  26. Hi, I am on the beginning of the process. Thanks to your article I recognized the problem. How shocking! After my 24 years of marriage (daughter 22) my husband is driving 1800 km (as we speak) to pick up his “new wife” as he says, from the airport to spend “honeymoon” with her. Just 2 days before he told me, when I pressed him for the truth, that he doesn’t love me and he wants the divorce. I am in the stage of confusion and total shock. It helps me reading your posts to realize that I have a chance to be a human being again.

    1. Oh my is he still married to you Anna?

      Welcome to the site. I am sorry what you are going through. Where you are right now is the most awful painful time.

      I am taking from your comment that he is still married to you?

      1. Yes, he feels he isn’t married any more as he told me he wants the divorce on 2 of April. The woman he is going to see is also married. She is coming from Canada to Paris to see him for 2 weeks. After this he is coming back! He sends me SMSes how his trip is going and tells me to do the chores at home. He still tries to control me as a typical sociopath. I am in Spain now, came from Canada for our “wonderful” retirement. I don’t know anybody here, my children are still in Canada and I feel so lost. I need some instructions how to react, what to say, what to do. I hope someone who went through something like this could advise me.

      2. Wow but he is married to you legally? This is bigamy in my country and illegal. Do you know that he has got married for sure or are these just words to provoke a reaction and hurt you?

        When you say your children are still in Canada do you mean they are with him?

      3. Forgive me for English as my second language.
        My adult children live in Canada. I came from Canada to Spain last year with my husband to retire. We bought the house here and as soon as the house was up and running to our comfort, my husband started to feel strange. I am married to him legally for 24 years. I went through some of his flirting and further….. since last May. I was trying to work it out. I went into the depression and I was hysterical. I admit, in some points. The world was just upside down and I was loosing the ground under my feet. Finally I ended up in the hospital. After I came back I insisted from him to tell me the truth. He told me he loves the woman for past 10 years and now she will be his wife and he doesn’t love me any more. Yesterday he went to Paris to pick her up from the airport. She is also married and from what I know from our mutual friends, her husband also has a hard time to accept it.
        It is not the fact that he stopped loving me, but the lying, manipulations, financial cheats that throws me off. And the worse is that he tries to tell me all the details with his lover. He is enjoying hurting me. He is like a sociopath that takes a pleasure from it. He sent me a message that he arrived to Provence safely and he wants me to wash his bed sheets, because he was talking to her till 4 am (6 h difference in time) and forgot to do it.
        Is it OK that he treats me like this? I want to run, but first things first and I still do not know how I should protect myself when he comes back. Please give me some advise.

      4. No, it is not ok that he treats you like this. This is mental abuse. You need to take time away from him to heal. When you take time away, as painful as it is, it forces you to focus on yourself. He sounds a very selfish hurtful man. It is not ok at all that he is treating you like this. You know how this is making you feel. You say when he comes back. Do you want him back? Why do you want him back?

      5. I do not want him back, but he went to see his lover to France and I stayed in our house. He is coming back after 2 weeks spent with her. I have no other place to go. First we have to divide what we have and then I can fly back to my children to Canada. He wants to pay me off as he wants this house to live with her. He is just replacing me with the younger model. I am OK that he doesn’t love me anymore. It happens. It’s the mental abuse that I can’t handle. He keeps telling me all the details of his happiness with her. I told him I didn’t want to hear, but he insists on sharing. I find him completely immature. How should I handle it?

  27. I have just relocated from a 3/12 year relationship with a narcissistic sociopath. This wasn’t the first time I left, but I promise myself it is the last. He got me hook, line, and sinker. A mutual friend introduced us (should have come with a warning label). The verbal and emotional abuse I put up with – nobody should have to endure. It goes beyond that, way beyond that, but I’m not comfortable writing about it. I’m reading what I can to help me heal – I know this wasn’t my fault, and I receive reassurances daily from friends who were on this roller coaster with me but my self-confidence has been thrown out the window. He went as far to get me back by proposing (without a ring of course), yet didn’t even divorce his estranged wife of 15-yrs whom he allowed to interfere with our lives as well stating he thought of her as a sister (sorry – you don’t have children with your sister…well…not where I’m from). I remember when I came back after ending it the first time, and she confided to me “We told him not to hurt you”. Everything had been booked, all arrangements made, and he never filed for divorce. We had a commitment ceremony, I paid for the honeymoon, and it was over within a month or so, but I stayed now, a year after he begged me back I have relocated to another city. I am in a fog of confusion, and that is putting it mildly. Humiliation, embarrassment, and an overwhelming bewilderment are my constant companions these days, but I am so glad I found this site.

  28. Wow..reading this blog and stories helped me realize I am not the only one.

    I met mine online 2 years ago. We started off as fwb. He claimed he always had his son on the weekends. He would go days weeks without calling or responding. We went on a few dates. I started to see signs that there were others. He denied it. Still denies it. I fell for his antics one last time. He chased me for 4 months. Telling me he wants to be with me and meet his parents and so on. I fell for it hard. Went over there plans totally changed when I got there. So the same old thing happened. He wanted to see me a few days later never heard from him.

    Broke it off with him last week. I know it’s a matter of time til he comes back. He seems so caring when he gets what he wants. So charming…and loving. He would always says let’s do this…Wouldn’t ever happen. Never met anyone in his life. He works and spends most of his time alone or chasing the next one.

    I fell for it hard core. He has been in relationships before..most around 4 years. We have been in the on again off again scenario for 2 years.

    I am in the fog right now. So confused because he chased me for so long and promised me the world. Sent me videos of love songs…apologized for the past. He is so persistent when he makes contact. Blows my phone up…all along I thought I will just give him time… Well his time is up.

  29. I want the be a part of this site but I don’t know where to start because I’m so paralized. I don’t even know how to describe the last 30 yrs. I wrote something on here a couple days ago and don’t even know what I said or how to see people’s responses. I believe after I said something on here, it said it was waiting for approval and I lost interest.

  30. Please can anyone help?
    My partner has all the characteristics of a narcissist sociopath and I’m only just peicing it all together after he’s left me for another victim . I’ve just had his baby . Anyone got any advice as I don’t know if I want his manipulative influence on our child as she grows. He doesn’t seem to have any interest in her other than to use as a trophy to show off with , take photos like self reflecting glory but has been seeing her for half hour at a time if that with big gaps in between and doesn’t seem to want to do anything for her, he passes her back when she cries or when he’s had a photo with her and he won’t work so pays nothing for her. He’s said some really disgusting threatning things and tried to damage my confidence im afraid of what he’s capable of and want to know if any one has any advice about keeping him away?

  31. Does anyone still use this comment feed?! I need help I need support to carry on from my boyfriend who is definitely a sociopath leaving me for the third time it happened Sunday and I can barely function still anxiety is sooooo high I need someone to talk to who’s been through this to tell me there’s light at the end I know I can never take him back because he will NEVER change it was all fake I’m understanding that I’m just fearing the future like I’ll be alone forever or something

    1. Hi Hayley you probably feel the anxiety as you are feeling the stress that it isn’t quite over and that he will be back in contact. But you need to make the decision to move on from him as he will NEVER change. He can’t help it.

    2. Hayley,
      It will be better. Please try to focus on two things right now YOU and no contact. It will be better, just give it time and no contact. I’m 2 years no contact soon and everything is better now, my health, my financial condition, my emotional being and our daughter (she just say today, “I never knew I can be so happy, never get back mami”) So please, stay away from him. ¡

  32. I kicked what I consider my ex boyfriend out of my apartment. The situation between us continues to get worse. He hate wrote all over my walls in red back in January. He left for a couple months and came back in April. I thought he was doing much better and I still loved him despite the terrible things be has done which I can never make sense of. How can i love someone that obviously doesn’t love me? But anyway he made me all these promises and told me what he was going to do. But for months now it’s non Stop fighting. This most recent fight he woke up and declared he was having a bad day, yet we were both happy going to sleep. The cruelty and anger of the words he says are so mean. He refused to pay rent this week and that was the agreement that he must pay rent. Needless to say I kicked him out because I am at the end of my rope. I’ve been coming out of the fog for a couple weeks now. But now he is ‘living’ with my next for neighbor! How does that even happen? I am locked up in my apartment. He is a stalker luckily be doesn’t drive. I am being held captive in my own apartment. I never know where he will be lurking. I had to call the police yesterday because he threw up all over my front doorstep and tried to get in my place. Do you think they did anything? No. He has me locked down and he is waiting to make his next move. I’m at a loss for help. I don’t know who this person is that i spent the last year with. He’s capable of doing anything to me. I’m scared every second of every day. I know what will eventually come.

  33. 45 years of marriage. Many affairs later. Last woman he brought into my home and into my bed. I am in a fog so thick, I don’t see a way out.

  34. Thank you to the good people who have opened up on this site, it’s reassuring to know there is a pattern to this behaviour. I’m 3 months post sp after I kicked him out. I allowed him to take over my life, got attacked every time he was drunk, even though I knew not to speak. Broke my ribs 2-3 Times, couldn’t keep going to the hospital. I was stupid, old and all my friends used me. He took over my phone, pretending to me as he answered my friends. Made me write pages on anything I thought I hadn’t told him. Got asked where I was going if I got up to go to the loo at night. Everything that went wrong was my fault, he told all his friends I was crazy. And spoke to me like dirt in front of them.He planned out our future, wanted a baby. He has left me 2000 in debt. But is angry at me for ending it, as it was apparently all my fault. I’m in my 40`s, this is first time I thought I had found love, how adept he was at seeing this. I clung on to the little rays of sunshine and affection, trying to please him. I found myself crying unexpectedly after I made him leave, as it all sunk in what I had allowed to happen. For going to a friend’s child birthday party when he said I couldn’t go, I got urinated on and wine throw at me. But I said sorry. In a good place now, feel free but still looking over my shoulder and I relate to the post where they felt that they had lost a part of themselves, I can’t say what it is, but part of me is cold. Maybe self preservation. Don’t trust my judgement to have another relationship. I wish you all the best and continuing strength.

  35. This is so comforting to read. I’m 5 plus months no contact. I was with him for almost 4 years. I was in so much denial despite the red flags. I left an unhappy marriage after being wooed by the socio and was in the “high” of socio’s professed love and “love bombing” the first 6 months. My sons and ex-husband knew what he is, but I kept defending the SP and When I finally came out of the fog I am faced with the terrible losses. Most importantly my sons who I never stopped fighting for. My ex alienated my now 13 and 14 year old sons from me when I left him and I am dealing with my poor judgement. I’m so regretful. I know my ex-husband has anti-social/narc traits to involve our kids like he did, but I kind of get his protectiveness now. The crazy part with my story is that my Socio really didn’t do anything too horrible to me except lie compulsively, the false self and promises not fulfilled but he also treated me great so it’s confusing! I mean I lost everything that mattered to me (my kids) but Thank God I had a therapist helping me through my divorce and struggles with the new socio to help me see the light. I’m an educated woman and feel like I should have known better, but they target the trusting and vulnerable and I’m just chalking this up to a HUGE life lesson and am pretty damn sure I won’t let this happen again! Thank you for this site! Now trying to heal….

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