Why breaking the no contact rule is a VERY bad idea after an abusive relationship!!


I admit, it can be tempting. That pull in your stomach to just speak to your former partner. You want the pain in your heart to go away. You reason with yourself, that if you could just have contact one more time, you can resolve things and the pain will go away. Or perhaps you want to tell the sociopath exactly what you think of him/her.

As tempting as this might be, breaching no contact is not a good idea. The No Contact rule is there for a reason. It is there to allow you space to think and space to grow and heal.  You almost certainly wouldn’t have had space to think whilst in the relationship. It is also about having control over you, and your life, and not being abused further. You could try walking forward, but you won’t do this, if you keep your shoes glued to the ground you are stood on. To move forward you need to let go.

Benefits of No Contact

  • You retain dignity
  • You do NOT give your abuser any further information about you (as any information that you do give – can later be manipulated)
  • You are feeding the addiction to the abuser. You are therefore lengthing your pain
  • When you break no contact, even if the contact was good, all that this does, is to start the cycle again. By keeping to No Contact you move forward rather than round in a circle.
  • The sociopath is NOT your saviour. If you look back, can you not see that they destroyed you and your life? Why give them an opportunity to do this to you again?
  • You give yourself space to heal, grow and recover
  • You are weaning yourself off of the deliberate addiction and dependency created by the sociopath
  • You are forced to focus on you. On recovering your life
  • Without the sociopath you will reach out to others
  • It hurts – but you will move out of the fog of confusion
  • You avoid the pain of the sociopath hurting you some more and prevent them from telling you either how great their new life is without you, or allow them to put you down, or threaten you
  • You send a clear message to the sociopath – they no longer have a hold or control over you

What do you expect to achieve by breaking the No Contact rule?

If you make contact, and tell them how you really feel about them, do you think that they will feel bad? Believe me, feeling bad is the last thing that they will be thinking. Instead, a more likely response will be for your contact to inflate their ego. As they tell their ‘wonderful self’ ‘idiot self’,  that another yet partner was so ‘in love’ with them. It reinforces their self belief that they are great, and wonderful, and that you are still pining after them. It will reinforce in their mind, why YOU are the one at fault. This enables them to justify their actions in their mind. Don’t think though that if you get a positive response, that this is a good thing. It isn’t, if you get a positive response, well, this will only lead to further pain, later. Always the final outcome will always be the same.

Alternative: Keep a journal, or write an email and press save to draft. The outcome is the same for you, in that you get your feelings out. The damage to you, is limited.

See also: https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/establish-no-contact/how-to-get-your-feelings-out-without-breaking-no-contact/

Remember that you have been emotionally abused. Your brain has been manipulated and controlled. Yes it can feel slightly ‘weird’ and ’empty’, after all this person has likely removed you from your own world, life and sense of reality. Likely they altered your sense of reality too.

Take heart, that no matter how damaged, your life is still there. You need time and space to reach out to you, to find your life, and your world again. It was there before the Sociopath, it will be there again after them too. That pain that you feel in your heart? Use this pain to trigger positive reaction, to make you more determined to rebuild your life for you. Treat yourself like your own best friend (would you advise your friend to contact the ex who has hurt him/her, or would you hang out with your friend and have fun?)

The sociopath will not make your life better. You know this (or you wouldn’t be reading this site).

What happens when I break No Contact?

When you break no contact, the outcome is really dependent on your abuser. How they are feeling (remember it is all about them).

  • They might be delighted to hear from you, hurray you are prepared to be used some more (maybe they are at a low ebb, or things are not going right with new supply)
  • They might even give you false empty promises or play victim so that you feel sorry for them.
  • They might falsely accuse you, or deflect blame towards you. They might call you crazy, use your contact as evidence against you, and call you a stalker, or obsessed
  • Alternatively they might take glee in ignoring your calls or texts and giving you the silent treatment.

Whether the response is good or bad. The outcome is always bad. This is about you remember? Making contact with your abuser allows one thing, you give them permission to abuse you some more. Is this what you want?

Whilst your body might be screaming and crying out for the addiction fix of the sociopath. What does having a quick fix when you are dependent achieve? It merely continues the dependency. All that can be achieved is prolonging the final outcome. Which will always be the same.

You need to see that the sociopath deliberately creates dependency to them, by having dominance over your life, and ruling you with control. They subtly feed you ‘nice’ messages to keep you hooked, and this in turn creates an addiction to the sociopath, to get that fix, and that high again. There is no need to make contact with them, unless you want more of the same treatment. Contacting them, rather than making you feel better, even if you have a temporary high, will ultimately, in the long run, make you feel worse. You will waste more of your life, and only delay the inevitable. Trust me, you will thank me later down the line when your life is feeling better, and this relationship, is just a very bad memory.

The sociopath will not change. Their behaviour patterns are so similar, readers of this site can identify with the complex behaviour of another readers partner as if it were their own. Remember that sociopaths are also compulsive pathological liars and will say anything to get what they want. Literally anything. They do not have a conscience, they do not think or care how their behaviour will affect you. What is important to them is:

  • Being in control
  • Winning

Making contact with the sociopath, will only empower them to feel that they are both winning and in control. Is this what you want? As this is how they will see it. They will see it that you cannot live without them, and that no matter how badly they treat you, you will still come back for more. At this, they think one thing ‘SUCKER’…..

Breaking the no contact rule will only cause further pain and heartache. Once again the sociopath will be centre stage. Your focus will be back to them and not on you and your own life. Sure they might tell you how they are changing, how they are being a great person now and that the next person will benefit from all that you taught them? They might even tell you about their new partner, and hurt you some more.

This is just another manipulative ruse from the sociopath. You already know that they are compulsive pathological liars, you learned this in the relationship. Do you think that they would tell you the truth now? They won’t.  They might think it is, but the reality is that they repeat patterns of behaviour. They will time and time again. If not with you, they will with someone else.

It is time for you to start loving YOU. You’re worth it. You are beautiful in your own right. Contact people who really do love you. Contact people who help you to grow and to shine, not the one who makes you feel small and insignificant. The people who truly love you, probably miss you and would love to hear from you.

If you have less people in your life at the end of the relationship, than you did in the beginning, this is a huge warning sign. Have you not lost enough? How much more do you want to lose? Believe me you WILL lose more, the longer you are with the Sociopath, the more you lose. That is the way it works with them.

What if you have already broken contact, and are now feeling horrible?

If you have, just put it down to experience. Yes you have to start again. But this is ok, as you have learned from the last time that you went no contact. You learn each time, it’s like putting your hand onto a hot fire. It burns. The more you keep doing it, eventually you will get the message. THIS PERSON IS NEVER GOING TO CARE FOR YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE TO BE CARED FOR. THIS PERSON CANNOT PUT HIS/HER NEEDS/INTERESTS BEFORE YOU – EVER!!!

Always you will incur further loss, whether this is loss of you, finances, friends, family members, career, home, possessions, guaranteed, you will have more loss.

Stick to No Contact and focus the energy on loving you!!! 🙂

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95 thoughts on “Why breaking the no contact rule is a VERY bad idea after an abusive relationship!!”

  1. Amen! So true. There is strength and dignity in CHOOSING to take back control of your life and not having any form of contact. And it burns them to the core when they know you have their contact details but is purposely choosing not to contact them. Like how they see us as a game, see the NC as a game and challenge to yourself. Take it one day at a time. Say to yourself ‘today I’m going challenge and prove to myself that I will not contacted that person. I will prove that I am stronger than they think I am!’ That’s what’s getting me through each day!

      1. Don’t get me wrong it’s hard but I understand I have more questions than answers and his answers will not be honest and quite frankly he is toxic! Xx

      2. This is true. You couldn’t get a straight answer out of him in the relationship. He would only give you more lies and bull…. when it has ended. Waste of time and energy. Any interaction with them just gives them further opportunity for another round of bullshit bingo 😦

      3. Hi everyone,
        My ex tried to call me today, so i am askg for prayer, your thoughts, I dont want to get tempted to reply.i do feel stronger but he has still been in my thoughts, less, but still there. Everytime i see this guy i like,I felt connection between us but we never have got e. Then my ex tries to contact me. 2nd time its happened. New guy may not know i like him, we only meet at Mind body Spirit expos in Melb. its weird. As i saw him yesterday at MBS & my ex tries to call, sms 2day!

      1. Do these people know they have wronged us? I know they don’t care. But are they aware. My ex will say fake apologies if need be.

      2. Heather, some of us are aware and do know what we’re doing to people and, I know it is cruel to say, but we enjoy it. Some don’t. Either way, it turns out bad for the person on the other side.

      3. It is, but sociopaths are simply designed that way. Although, it’s all a product of lacking our own emotions. We need to reflect someone else’s and games and manipulations are the only way to do it and keep it in control.

  2. Oh my gosh, this hit me hard. I so wish I did not contact this person. He confused me mentalty. Drained me mentally, took until I would give no more. So now I put the ball in his court, or he thinks. I despise that I let him know how hurt and betrayed I was. As if he is a normal person with normal feelings. He will use this to his advantage now won’t he? I have to be ready. I have so many positive things in my life and he just ways me down. What is wrong with me that I would contact a person a person who told me. “One good squeeze and I could push all of the air right out of you.” I question myself. Thank you so much for helping me.

      1. I am scared of what I might happen now. I CANNOT start with him again. I can’t sleep at night, I have trouble eating and I cry on and off. The stupid contact I had with him makes me be appear as an open door to him? Do I miss him? Yes…but I realize I miss a facade. I have taken him back twice before. For my children’s sake and everybody I have left in my life I cannot. Why would I do this to myself ? It appears like I do not even care about myself.

      2. Don’t blame yourself, its normal to go back and forth, he will always be a part of your life. And breaking away from that is hard. Just take your time day by day. If you can make it today without contact then you did good. Tomorrow you can pick up again.

      3. Thank you. Does he always have to be a part of my life? He is not my children’s father. I knelt you are not a fortune teller, but is he going to use this to his advantage. Seriously my letter was pathetic. If sickens me that I sent it.

      4. If he isn’t your childrens father. No he doesn’t have to be part of your life. He will just cause further damage to your life. That is what sociopaths do. They ruin you to make themselves look better. Do you want this for your children? Or even for you? I know that it hurts right now – but its short term pain for long term gain. You know he will never change? He won’t.

      5. Thank God he is not my children ‘so father. He got so much from me. Two years, and I am so beaten down emotionally. Honestly everything was about money and sex. He owes me like 6 grand. I know I will never see. No, I know he will not change.

      6. Oh, I thought he was your children’s father. Well in that case, he doesn’t have to be a part of your life. But in reflection, he may always have a small piece, people do change us, for better or worse. Its up to you to decide whether you have grown and learn and become a better person after being with him.

      7. HI Heather,
        As pos said, it will hurt for a little while, sometimes it will be unbearable but whatever you do don’t break NC. You probably will next want to abuse him, but this is still playing his game. It won’t make him sad or care that you are angry at him. He will just grin because he knows you are still stuck on him.

        I promise, it does get easier, it does get better, you will get stronger, you will get through this. It just takes time. But it has to be time away from him. Forever. otherwise you just stay stuck. It will get easier i Promise. I am there. Past the worst of it. and i remember oh so well how some day’s, just when you thought you must have gone through the worse – it gets even harder but then slowly, it does get better. Sometimes the healing has a fast forward.

        Be strong.

      8. Hello all,
        Thank you. Today is a new day. I have decided to not be left in the fog anymore. I HAVE to take control for my children and I. The two years have shown me what evil is out there.
        Tomorrow I start a new job. A new start for me. I have to bury this baggage. Will it hurt? Yes. But I listed everything that has been done wrong to me as a reminder. Will I have weak moments? Yes but right now I feel promise and hope.
        So I broke NC two days ago. Now I will go on and go from there. It amazes me that I was trusting an enemy. Shared my feelings with an enemy. Thought nothing of sleeping next to someone with a loaded gun on their nightstand. Yes I have some work to do on myself, but today I feel like I can do this!
        Thank you everyone and thank you so much for this incredible site.

      9. Heather phone call blocker for your mobile is really useful. It can block withheld numbers and whatever number you want. Calls and texts. The messages and calls go into a file should you want to read them, but try to see how long you can go without. Well done for your new job tomorrow. Well done for starting no contact. Do it just for today take it one day at a time. It will get better. New job new start. 🙂 🙂

      10. Thank you!!! I feel the same way. New job new start. Something in my life that he knows nothing about! I am trying SO hard to be positive!!! He can’t do anymore to me unless I LET him. I am in control of that and I will not let that happen. I have a gift here, my new job and I have to embrace that!!! I do have a question for anybody who knows as I am trying to fully educate myself. Why do these Soc’s leave and just try and waltz back in your life? I want to have a complete understanding. That is could never understand. Thank you!!

      11. Also just curious from you all. Facebook is VERY important to my Ex. He spends a lot of time on there. He likes to block when he is mad. I have done the same to him. He blocked me and it infuriates me that there are pics on his page with endearing comments I made or liked. Only he can take those off. Why does he keep them on? Sorry if I am being naive. Also I know some people who know him. Would it be wise for me to deactivate my account for awhile. Need opinions. I think it is a trouble starting place to begin with. Thanks!!!

      12. No stop playing the game with him. Who cares what is on his Facebook? It doesn’t matter. Heather this no contact is tough at first. But you will feel stronger the longer you stick with it. You need to bring back focus to you. How close to the people who know him are you? Is it an option to remove them (this is what I did) or alternatively block their news feed and make your profile very limited to them? Then they cant read your things and you can’t see anything on theirs?

      13. You are so right. I am playing the game. I do need to focus on me. For so long it was all about pleasing him and making him happy. Now for once it has to be about me. Is it bad I don’t even know how to focus on me? I will stop playing the games. It’s all part of no contacf. Thank you for reminding me of that!!

      14. No this is normal Heather. You forget who you are. This is why I say take one day at a time. Write a list of goals even small ones then tick them off when achieved this will bring back focus to you. Remember this is an addiction your body is just crying out for your fix.

  3. Those posts always appear at the right time. I almost contacted him last night. I’m so glad I didn’t and reading this post makes me a little stronger.

  4. Your posts have been freedom to me… .I was in such a state of confusion the last two years hoping to get back together with my soc.Thank you for giving me back my sanity ! Anyone who has dealt with this type of person can relate and doesnt really know who they are until the minute the mask slips. it can be very scary to deal with a new and evil person you’ve never seen before that has been there all along .The no contact rule is the most difficult for me because we have children,and also are still legally married. This site has taught me that they will never change and I do not want any part of that loveless relationship.Hoping it will change is gone..I’m not sure which stage I’m at right now in the process but I can tell you the best lessons you have taught me are 1 don’t break the no contact rule and 2. treat it like a business.he cannot figure out how I know those and I know its killing him because I’m a very emotional person so he can’t figure me out now. He gets very angry when I put his phone number on block. In front of the kids he says” your mom has me blocked!”( like I’m the difficult one )..I’m getting stronger and taking it day by day trying not to get harassed(sexually,mentally,emotionally), hacked, or manipulated anymore ..friends and families just don’t understand and Im grateful there’s a community of ppl who get it and have lived it so I don’t feel like the crazy one.Thank u thank u thank u for ur support!!!!

    1. You are welcome, and welcome to the site. Am glad you are seeing the truth and setting yourself free. He will never change, he will only change his story. No you are not crazy – but try explaining their crazy behaviour to anyone else. it is really difficult. Welcome to the site 🙂

  5. This is about my recovery .
    My thoughts my feelings my life from here on . I have forgiven and I have let go . While there is no way that I would take him back the memories remain.
    I can’t make believe the last 3years of my life never happened so I let my mind go to the most hurtful experiences I had with him like when he left me during hurricane Sandy all by myself surrounded by 6feet of water with not one care if I was alright . Or the time when he let me leave his house on foot after a fight at night in his drug infested neighborhood , not caring if I made it home alright . Or the time I had surgery scheduled and he left me 3days before all alone with my fears and anxietys , while he buried an ex prison body who had killed his partner with a frying pan and then dismemberd his body, stuffed the body parts in black garbage bags and dumped it in a river . Who said there is no honor in prison?
    The feeling I always had , that I was number 15 on his priority list was real but for the longest time I could not admit it to my self . The love that I never felt was because there wasn’t any but I did not want to believe that either .
    I was in total denial about lots of things and not ready to face the truth . I was not ready , because it would have called for some action an my part.
    Not to mention all those silent treatments that drove me to the edge of dispair . Somewhere deep inside I knew all along that IT had nothing to do with LOVE but I was hocked and I didn’t know what had happened to me ……..
    There is so much more when I look back but I no longer try to understand or make excuses for it.
    At my last counceling session I learned that I never set any boundaries , there was no ” deal breaker” ever.
    Well the last time I took him back ( about 4 weeks ago , I was amazed at myself . How much I had grown in the 3 and a half months I did not see him prior to . It was like somebody lifted the vail from my eyes and the fog was gone . When he stood in front of me smelling like another woman that was the deal breaker and I could not tolerate that.
    Oh he tried to talk his way out of it by making me feel like I was the crazy one ONE LAST TIME but I didn’t fall for it.
    The magic was gone disappeared in to thin air .
    To all of you who are still struggling please know it won’t last for ever. Time is on your side it’s all we have to make it through . Read and write, get books .
    Learn all you can about these DEMONS it will help you to find your way back to YOU.
    We are HUMAN , we are survivors . It is the strongest will in us it was given to us at birth.
    That’s why we are here on this site to support and console to share story’s and feelings to give love and compassion . It’s because we are HUMAN. How wonderful is that .
    We are all strangers and feel like we know each other . Brought together by these strange enteties roaming among us . How lucky are we to have found each other?!?!?!?!
    We have danced and slept with the DEVIL and we will WINN the battle for LOVE will overcome evil every time . So dig deep in to your reserve and use it to pull yourself out of the hole .
    You can do it ,I know you can.
    We are all here cheering you on .
    The Victory is oures !
    OXOXOX be strong!

    1. I read everyone’s stories and I feel a kinship. I am sorry to hear what everyone has went thru. I am so confused. I am so exhausted and so disgusted with myself. Why do these people feel it is ok to walk out of our lives and come back to do more damage? I was so weak I also took him back. I broke no contact after 3 weeks as I told you guys. It was PATHETIC of me! Oh my gosh I told him how hurt I was. He ignored me. I feel worse now. So yes I should have observed NO CONTACT. Now he thinks I want him back. Personally I miss him. Why? He hurt me horribly. I guess my whole self became him and I don’t know how to be myself after two years. Thank you so much for this site and all of you sharing your stories. (((Hugs)))

      Sent from my iPhone


      1. Yes I agree the memories remain. They run thru my head. Tomorrow I start my new job. I did do something to make things harder for myself tonight. I went on the dating site we met on. His profile is active with a pic I took of him on it! My fault….looking for things just to cause myself more pain….have a good night all.

  6. Thank u for reminding me that this is normal in this situation. Do these Soc’s know we are addicted to them ? I used to told I by him that I was obsessed. I have never been this way before. Yes, I will make a list of small goals. You are so right I crave him like a drug at times. I even got used to the abuse, bc I knew a nice period would follow. Wow.

    1. Yes they know. They know what they are doing they deliberately create dependency and addiction. If you have ever quit smoking? It’s like that. Yes your body is crying out in the beginning. Eventually it gets easier and goes away. I can highly recommend the app blocker. If you are on android phone. It works really well. Take back control of your life. Your worth it and you can do this. It gets easier. Just start doing exercises to focus on you and your life. The more you succeed the happier you will feel 🙂

    2. Hi Mia & Heather,
      Thanks for the reply . I’m glad I could help somewhat . Heather, I hope you’re new job goes well and it will take your mind off .
      Mia , are you new at the site ? I don’t remember seeing your name before .
      There is so much to deal with when you first start to come out of the fog .
      The disbelief the confusion the realization that it was all fake .
      The only thing that is still real is the love that YOU feel . You are in shock .
      What in the hell has happened ???
      We all know the feeling and each and everyone on this site knows what you are going through . No one here will tell you ” enough already and get over it. We all have been there at one point .
      But having said that ,we also know that it will get better ……………..in time .
      Unfortunately time has a way of dragging on when you’re in this funk and you can not see that it will ever get better . But you will .
      If you believe everything else that is written here , then you have to believe that also .
      Your mind will take you back to every rotten thing he did to you and sold it to you as love .
      Heather and Cammy, you said that you took the abuse because you knew a nice period would fallow ( do you see the addiction) and I’m not criticizing you because I have done the same thing . Today I know that I was addicted to him ; I wanted the pain to stop , so I could breathe for just a little while ……. Until the next time .
      So wicked !
      When I think of it today , I picture him holding a bag with crumbs and throwing a handful on the floor and me diving down on my hands and knees lapping the crumbs of the floor .
      I can’t believe that I did that .
      I’m writing this so that you see whatever it is that you’re feeling some body has felt before and everything that you are going through somebody has gone through before .
      We are so much better than that and we deserve so much better .
      We are strong and capable women we are loyal and compassionate we have so much to offer and bring to the table.
      Our inside matches the outside because we are beautiful . We are not deceitful and there is no hidden agenda and that makes us members of the HUMAN RACE !
      Ohhh , you will stumble and you will fall on your way it is normal . Only you know when you had enough .
      But you are only prolonging the inevitable . Remember we are survivors . Keep reading and writing!
      Love and embrace you .

  7. I need some advise. I have not contacted him now for nearly a month, but I have some war medals to return to his family. I don’t feel I have the right to keep them. I could post them to his parents but I want to put a note in there also. What do you think I do… a part of me wants to get a message in there… but then another part wants to climb the nearest hill and throw them from the top!

  8. I think I may no the answer to this. Has anyone forgiven their abuser? Am I crazy to feel this way ? Just yesterday I was so angry and so hurt crying all the the time today I feel forgiveness towards him. Am I mixed up? He conned $6000 out of me, emotionally , verbally and I now know sexually abused me for two years with two break ups. Duped me horribly. We are broken up now. I feel forgiveness towards him, but is that reality ? Or am I weakening towards him. I would never want him to know this right? The fog is lifting but I am confused. Thanks

      1. I was thinking the same thing. Am I feeling strengthening ? Or am I forgiving these deplorable things as in I will take him back. My mind feels clearer, but I think I am really still confused. What would my ex think if he thought I forgave him for all of the hell he put me thru? I am confused.

    1. Heather I feel the same. Everyday I feel either anger or pain because of him and still want to forgive him. It’s been 4 months now and I blocked him but still feel like contacting him. I saw him in traffic the other day and my heart was racing to the point that it made me nauseous.But why? I’m so much happier and better off without him. I am as confused as you are. When will it be over??

      1. I don’t know. I went three months without him once and was doing well. I call it rounds with him ( round 1, break up for 7 weeks,) ( round 2, break up for 3 months ) now round 3 broken up for for 4 weeks. I have broken no contact with all three break ups and he doesn’t answer. But when he is ready and needs from me again ( sex, money, someone to take his agression out on) he comes back. I can’t do it anymore.

  9. My Pinnochio is trying to make contact. After almost two months! He is sending texts, emails and called from an unknown number and let more voice mails. First, he said , “Hi, thinking of you…” then he talks and write about what he is doing, he sends photos too, every kind of photos. I am trying to remain calm, I didn’t answered, now he is writing horrible things about how I “failed” to him. I dont want to react, He is keeping his monologue trying to push my buttons (everyone of them). What is he doing? Why he keeps trying to hurt me? When he wil finish torturing me?

    1. They always do this, the hi how are you? As if nothing has happened!! They seem to forget, just because they have no feelings, and can just move on and do something else, you do have feelings.

      They often do this – just ignore him he will get bored eventually and go away.

      1. Mine has always popped up like that too. Once after 7 weeks and ombré affer two months . We have now been broken up 4 weeks. Not sure what he will do.

      2. I shut down the computer, my phone, my brain and my heart, I changed my lock (he says he “found”the keys of the house) park the car on another place (he says, “I hope you are on “home”) and just try to continue with my life. I’m trying to stay with the no contact, I’m trying (really trying ) to not react to all the messages he had left. I’m so mad at him, I am so angry how he is trying to keep control over me.

      3. Yes they do dont they. Mine tried to call me 2wks ago for ‘a peaceful chat’. I said i can’t go back to him & not comfortable to talk. Said i did love him but i wont tolerate his behaviour, wont be in Rship with him anymore. Do they do this, when they cant find anyone new? As mine was rather arrogant, loud talking, overbearing as well as larrikin, charming. He could find it hard to find a new girlfriend, let alone future wife. Trying to continue to keep no contact, but i having cravings, images, visions of him, missing physical bond we had. i dont know whether he’s sending them to me, as i seem to pick up on his energy, wavelength still, or whether its my own memories, part of the mind, heart grieving, letting go process. Light, love, to all, try to keep to no contact!

  10. Wow!!! I have just read all of the comments on this post because I am not doing as well as I thought I was. He contacted me to say he was still in love with me and had I really gone back to my ex (the father of my son). I am, in fact, talking to my son’s father about it all – we have always remained friends and he is very supportive of me so I have always talked to him about the SP – they had met anyway and got on (although I never went into real detail but he knew something was wrong)…. anyway that is by the by, he then said I had abused him!!!! By screaming and shouting at him (which I did a couple of times when he went off for a couple of days, told me he wanted to look after his ex g-friend and when he was on line contacting other women). I am not proud of the fact I lost my dignity then but to think he has made it seem that I was some loon so he left me because he “didn’t want to argue”!!!!!! He created situations and then left me in despair and then I became a screaming banshee….. now I am back to my usual chilled self but am fuming that he thinks I am a loon.I know I should ignore this and he hurt me for 3 years but this is the weirdest thing….I am a giver so I used to buy him the odd present, jumpers, T shirts, after shave, his favourite bottle of red…. he has now said they were presents to say sorry for abusing him!!!!!!!!!! I am more annoyed about that twisting of the facts than anything else I think – unreasonable of me maybe, but it hurts my to the very core – I have always given little things to people I care about, from a Daim bar to my son to other bits and bobs to my 4 daughters – I enjoy giving and now I feel so dumb because he thought I was saying sorry for getting really upset a couple of times, which I knew then and know now were justified, although, goddamit, I did lose my dignity by shouting at him, grrrrr….love to all, sorry for the rant x

  11. Do they really forget what they have done? As in the “hi there, how are you?” as if they had just popped out for a cup of coffee and will be seeing you in a couple of hours as usual. How on earth are we “normal” people supposed to cope with that? If a girlfriend of mine did that I would question her and ask what was going on, but then I guess she would answer me and have a chat instead of saying “nothing, why what is wrong WITH you?” lol

    1. It isn’t that they ‘forget’ what they have done. It is more that they cannot feel. They do not feel empathy, guilt remorse or shame for their actions. So that is why they just continue as if nothing has happened. Sometimes they might fake it. But it isn’t real. It is just the way that they are. In their mind they have done nothing wrong, and really cannot see why you are making a fuss about it.

  12. That is it – they “just continue as if nothing has happened” – like someone running over an animal and not noticing the bump when everyone else in the car can feel it – because to them nothing has happened. I can see he thinks I am making a fuss about nothing, as if I had broken a nail and was having a full on tantrum in the supermarket about it – it is SO freaky – will I ever be normal again?

    1. Hi Lulu, yes you have the ability to find yourself, and your own person again. You are you, once you remove yourself from his ability to manipulate and play you, and stop playing the game. Life does get better.

      1. Thank you for that, I know you are right, I just need to stop playing the game, as you say although it is not a game for me but I can see it is for him. have decided to have no contact at all tomorrow and see how it goes. Some days are good, days in a row are sometimes easy but then the odd day you feel the need to contact them because there is such a void created by their absence and you crave the attention you once had. Does that make sense? You are so brilliant in knowing about all of this – I read your post saying you were being imitated, I don’t think that is possible with your wisdom and affinity with others. Thank you :o)

      2. I am working on a post – and I do have to write it about the comfort zone, and how the sociopath focuses on your comfort zone to manipulate and control you. Think about what is in your comfort zone? Where are you safe? What makes you happy? It could be anything at all, home, comfort foods, things you love to watch on tv, candle lit baths…. everyone has a comfort zone. This was your comfort zone before you met your sociopath. I bet that the sociopath focused on providing needs in your comfort zone – this is all that it is?

        I would need a diagram (that I have drawn for the post). Imagine a circle. In the circle is your comfort zone. Outside of that there is a ring. That ring is anxiety. Around that there is another ring. That ring is fear. Around that there is another ring, and that ring is panic.

        What the sociopath does, is to keep your needs happy (or so you think) in your comfort zone. So if you like chocolate, they buy you a chocolate cake….. this makes you feel happy and content. However, you cannot leave that comfort zone. As the sociopath will not let you…. the sociopath stands outside of your comfort zone, and feeds you… so that you become trapped. He keeps you locked into the comfort zone by control and anxiety…. this is why you will never progress or achieve whilst with a sociopath. There is a part of you, that feels ‘content’ this is why you will hardly notice the isolation that is occuring. In your mind, you are ‘content’. You are not allowed to look outside of, or past the comfort zone.

        So…. when you say that you miss him, this is what you are missing. You are missing the contentment of being in the comfort zone. Other people might think you are crazy after all that has happened. How that person treated you. But they do not know the contentment that you felt in the comfort zone, how that felt…. and this is what you miss.

        The trick…. well the trick is to realise that everything in your comfort zone was there anyway. You didn’t need the sociopath to hijack it and sell it back to you as if it were his to sell. it wasn’t his to sell it was yours. But then sociopaths are very good at being the salesperson when they have no product to sell. The product you were sold – was YOU!!!

      3. Wow there is total truth to this. I am really into lyrics of songs . Has anyone heard the song “Wrecking Ball?” It’s all about trying so hard in a relationship, almost to a sick point and getting scorned. Do the soc ‘a know how much we love them? How does that make them feel ?

  13. Hi,
    Any tips for when you are forced to communicate with the s’path because he is the father of your child and legally you are forced to communicate with him on a regular basis? Thanks.

    1. Aubrey – firstly, are you in the UK? Does your child live with you and do you have a structured legal agreement? Do they get on? How old is your child? With my ex husband (the first SP in my life) I finally only communicated with him by email but it took me years to work out that talking to him was a waste of time because he twisted my words and still tells my daughters that I am a psycho. Mostly they are fine but when they get angry they throw his words in my face…. I do not react to the anger any more but it takes a lot to remain calm and they are older now but when I got divorced my youngest was 5 and I found it hard to deal with his erratic behaviour. Obviously you cannot do No Contact but you can limit the damage to yourself. Hope this helps?

      1. Crap! Positiva your post on comfort zone is a breakthrough for me atleast psychologically, I really, really need help getting out!! The soc was working me in this way, here’s the thing. Hard to talk about. The soc didn’t completely capture me. Towards the last two months of seeing him– my parents needed increased care. I would visit and help. Soc manipulated my roommate (I still have no idea what really happened) and I suddenly had to move. Soc showed up as hero and “helped” me move out– I had to go to parents. Anyway, my eyes were opened how bad situation had/has been w parents– mom is broken by father who is most def extreme covert abuser soc/psych/narc of some combo. I have been away for years– only recently moved back to home state after grad school. To make a long story short– re traumatized after soc while living with parents– who are not well, devalue & basically I am seriously to fight my way out of comfort zone filled with darkness– simultaneously feel helpless to help mom after 60 yrs in this imprisonment. So sad, and was hoping for peace & reconciliation– but I need to get out of here and soon! No job or place, and totally identify with how this very tactic destroyed our mom& family– now I’m fighting to survive and rebuild in this toxic environment — thanks to soc though and this site I now have so many questions answered about family of origin– and why I am struggling so much after this experience. I’m both sad and sickened, need to somehow make a permanent break and not get sucked into the vortex of trying to rescue in a situation which can not change and a father who incapable of love, appreciation or care– selfish and broken, himself– totally controlling and a dangerous situation as has been my whole life, crazy to face & accept in addition to soc. I know how strong, joyful and capable I was/am when I was living away — these last 10 months have been so crazy making– but I will bounce back. Im doing everything i can– except i do miss my energy and motivation. i am captured in a way by the dysfunctional family sustem- i just want to break out now, yesterday. the fear, uncertainity and comfort need is gripping. Feedback, suggestions welcome. Pace, EL

  14. Just what I needed to hear tonight. Seriously, all day I have ‘felt’ my ex-narc and wanted to contact him. Totally stupid, but that’s the way it felt today. So I asked myself, what was it that I was actually wanting from him? Because I was always able to see beyond the mask, but I think that was the problem, I saw ‘him’ and I loved him. Broken and all. But what I had to come to realise was that, narc’s are narc’s, and we get the opportunity to see their true colours, and from that well, really, we do need to make the right decision and just walk away. As hard as that is, and NOBODY would argue with how hard it is, surely! But we empaths fall for these buggers all too often! Perhaps today we will learn eh x

    1. Hi A new Day, i know how u feel. I often ‘feel’ my ex narc, miss him, after 3mths, I receive an odd sms frm him or news of him thru mutual friends. I could see beyond his mask, he used to let it down alot. I loved him anyway but could not tolerate the anger, verbal abuse, too frequent rages, negativity. I must be an empath too, i felt drained from living with him & dont feel drained by my friends or family. No one lives with me now though. Sending u peace, support, happy thoughts. I been struggling with thoughts of wanting to contact my ex narc too. Light, love to all.

  15. For me, it is not really healthy to be in a relationship which is abusive. It is always a bad idea to give chance to someone who has abused you physically or emotionally.

  16. First of all, if the relationship is abusive in any way, get out of it before you get badly hurt. I believe it is better to find someone who is caring, mature, loving, and faithful.

  17. Sadly I broke no contact after 5 months of no physical contact. It was all the same game. “Pretend jokes” that were abusive, calling me a bit**, was an hour late, didn’t tell me about it so I’d stay on edge with anxiety, etc

    Mr Nice Guy came out after dinner at a restaurant. He was sweet as pie, smooth, “loving” lol, kind considerate. It’s all a lie….again.

  18. Why it takes so long to get over this guy that called me a few of the most derogatory names?…why the more days go by (almost 45 days since break up and no contact) the more panicky I feel because I have not seen him and felt him and smelled him. I have considered to be intoxicated and/ or addicted to this guy, and the feeling of the deep connection to him is so real that I almost have convinced myself I won’t find that with somebody else. I hate to feel like this for him but even though I am getting, pedicures, massages, facial, new hair styling, made over my house with nice new décor, got rid of everything that reminds me of the relationship, I cook nice meals for myself, enjoy sushi and wine with nice TV shows on weekends, go to church and pray a lot, read scripture every morning as a new form of routine that will help re- connect with my higher power (in my case Jesus Christ). I have even scheduled doctors appointments to check on my over all health, cook weekly dinners for my grown children and their families, get together with my friends whose I never lost because I was strong enough to stand up against his plot to isolate me from them. In other words I have been taking care of myself and following the rules to recover!!!.yet I MISSED him sooo much!!! I Hate it!!! I am enjoying all I’m doing for myself and I have a very solid steady small business that I feel so blessed for it. Yet I feel I would loved to enjoy everything with him. He has tried to get contact but I have withstood the temptation so far witch is the most painful thing I think I have done in my life, although I have survived even cancer in my 20’s…This relationship was so toxic from the start and its been almost 5 years, and after about 40 break ups, and same amount of come backs, I am still fighting to leave this “toxic thing”(well I left it already, I meant trying to stay sober from his intoxication) it is crazy!… Sorry everybody I really had to write all this trying to get it all out as a form of venting and hoping it will help me in some sort of way…I wish the best to all of you.
    P.S. Pardon my English skills I was born in Latin America and English is my second language and the stress is also affecting my thinking process Blessings!

    1. Hi Elida,

      Welcome to the site. I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. Do you know that the sociopath deliberately creates addiction and dependency to them. What you are feeling right now is withdrawal from addiction. I am going to show you some posts that might help you to understand.



      I hope that these posts help.

  19. I will share my story soon. I am relieved to know my case is not in isolation and there is a term to describe what I am going through.

  20. I have been reading all the no contact posts the last couple of days. I can’t believe that my story is not very unique and that we are all in the same relationship with the same man. Why do they all say the same thing? I haven’t spoken to him in almost a week, he hasn’t even tried calling until Saturday morning I got a text, asking me to Marry him,…he is insane…he’s living with another women and he thinks that I’m just going to be so stupid and allow him back into my life…I screwed up and saw him, we even had sex, but I know that was a huge mistake and I will jot do that again. I am not going to give control or power over me. One thing I realized is that I actually have more power than I thought. I am deserving of having a life free of chaos and insanity.

  21. Oh, this is the most important rule of all. Follow it! No Contact!, Absolutely No Contact! Block his e-mails, hang up the phone without a word, return mail, or you will be drawn back into the game. How can one not with all the conditioning they’ve done on you. If you don’t, the game will continue to try and destroy you. Stop it! No Contact is the only way! I found this site well over a year ago, trying to understand what was happening to me when my counselor said he sounded like he had anti-social traits. Made no sense to me since that sounded like a psychopathic killer. But one can kill in many ways, including mentally and emotionally. This site validated me, that I was not crazy, because the stories are all the same and I was not alone, not the crazy woman I was told to be. Because I found this rule, here, I was able to make it through the divorce. If not, I could have been drawn back in and not have made it, because he tried. They can sound like the nice person, if you allow contact, that you thought you originally met, but it’s only a ruse to continue the game of making you into someone you’re not, and validate anything they’ve said about you. They will take any response and turn it into whatever they want. If you stop their game you will eventually find yourself again. The real You still exists!!! Please, No Contact! I will say anxiety over situations can still continue after he is gone, but continue to study on issues you react to and you will find yourself again.Those of us out here, we can relate, and truly love and support anyone in this situation. God Bless and you will win! No Contact is the key!!! Stop this horrible cycle now!

  22. I feel slightly different, because I was the one who was left. This is the second time he’s left me. I didn’t figure out what was going on. I didn’t stand up for myself. He got bored with me and threw me away like yesterday’s garbage. He’s got me on a hook, saying he ‘still loves me and trusts me, he just needs time to be alone. He’s not happy with anything, he lost himself, etc (his story changes every time. I’m not sure he had a real reason.) Maybe someday he’ll figure himself out and he’ll come back for me.’ Instead of scaring me, that delighted me. He was going to work on himself and come back and be the perfect person again! He had to be the right one, just the wrong time!

    I admit, I went back to him once, begging him to let me in. At that time his reason for leaving me was that he wasn’t happy and that he couldn’t connect with me emotionally. I hadn’t figured out that he was a sociopath, and decided that since I had been through therapy myself I could help him! I thought that this was the time he needed me the most. I walked around with him, explaining that happiness comes from within, and that he couldn’t expect me to give it to him. I reminded him that I had struggled with loving myself in the past, and could teach him how I conquered it in order to be happy with myself. I’ve learned a lot of techniques to let down my guard and let go of the emotions I’ve tried to hide, and I offered to teach him that. His reply: I love myself, and I still love you. I’m just a bag of d**** and don’t want to be with you. I couldn’t understand how he could love me and not want to be with me. I couldn’t understand how he could say ‘If you ever have a breakup that’s not as polite as this, call me and I’ll kick his a**’ and tell me that he was going to use my tips on telling some girl in the future that he loved her on the same day. I couldn’t understand how one day he was talking about about his mum paying for my wedding dress, and the very same week it was ‘oh, well she’d pay for the dress of any girl I marry. It didn’t have to be you.’ I just wanted him back so bad that I was willing to put up with anything he said or did, because it was just a product of him being unhappy right now, right?

    I’m not sure how I’m going to stay away from him. My biggest support system is my church, coincidentally where I met him. He runs my Bible Study and is now my leader. He treats me the same as he always has- he jokes with me, laughs, tells me he’s having a rough time, tells me I’m asking good questions, offers to walk me home… I want so bad to believe that he’s that person he puts on for us all every Sunday, and it kills me knowing that he’s not. That he never really cared. I can’t just walk away from my church, partly because I love the community so much, and partly because I can’t let him win. I can’t let him kick me out of my own church. And then there’s that underlying hope that he’ll see me every Sunday and realise how much he misses being with me. That he’ll get himself together for me. And my brain knows this isn’t going to work,, that he won’t give a d*** about me, I just don’t know how to let him go. I’ve deleted his texts of love, unfriended him on Facebook, changed his name in my phone to ‘DON’T TEXT THIS A**HOLE’ but no matter how much I claim to hate his guts, I can’t stop loving him. Everyone says I need to step back and focus on myself right now, and even though I know that’s true, he’s still my world. I wish I could hate him and move on, but I just feel stuck, like I’ll wait for him forever. How can I make my world about me again? Telling me to do it is great and all, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to let him go and worry about myself. And I don’t know how to stay away.

    1. Hey NobodySpecial,

      I felt exactly like you for many months. “I don’t know how I will stay away from him.” Thing is, you are going to have your fill of it all one day. You have a limit, you just haven’t found it yet. Also, I strongly believe healing is going to take a LOT longer as you see him every week at your church.

      I couldn’t stay away from mine. I left him 4 times within a year. That kind of life is ridiculous, back and forth. It was so unhealthy. Once I had my fill of it, fed up enough, I left for good. A background check didn’t hurt either.

      When you look at everything “good” that he ever did, it doesn’t technically even amount to a hill of beans. NO CONTACT is the way to truly heal, move forward in peace and think of YOU for once. You deserve YOUR love☺️

  23. Thank you!! I needed to read this today. I moved out of the house 8 months ago and have been completely NO Contact for 3 months. I realized today I left some important tax papers over there that I need, but before contacting him I got on here for a little support first. I’m not going to contact him now. I don’t want to have to deal with the head games he’ll play before eventually handing over the paperwork. I’ll figure something else out and skip the drama .. Thank you ALL for keeping me on track today! ❤

  24. Thank you Positivagirl. That’s exactly what I did. 🙂 It’s been a long three months, and I admit that having that ‘excuse’ to contact him again (for all legitimate reasons, of course!) got me a little excited to talk to him again. What a mistake that would have been! I would have been right back to where I started 3 months ago, back to square 1. Whenever I feel myself weakening, it helps so much to be able to come on here and read everyone’s stories..sometimes for the 2nd or 3rd time… to get that little kick in the pants I need to stay NO contact and continue moving forward.. You have all been a life saver for me!.. It makes me sad that we are all going through this same painful struggle, but having each other to lean on and to UNDERSTAND what every one of us is going through is such a godsend. I’d probably still be with that assclown if I wouldn’t have started researching and finding sites like this one to come to during times of weakness.. You are all AWESOME! ❤

  25. Brilliant post. I’m on my road to recovery from dating a sociopath. And lie after lie and abuse after abuse. I have never seen a people with so many faces. No contact and going great
    After Abuse which left me doubting my sanity. I lost so much weight. I was faced with guilt trip, and triangulation from her family. Suicide threats. Emotional and mental abuse. She brainwashed me. And now she is acting like i didnt exist. You live and learn. I got an educational on sociopathic personality disorder. She even lied to me about being in a car accident.

    1. Mine lied to me about being in a car accident too. He even ducked when a bus went past, as he was faking that he had PTSD from the car crash that never happened, 🙂

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