As many of you know my ex knew about my work writing about sociopaths. For the first six months writing this blog, he was fairly distant from my life. Occasionally he would call or text ranting that I had written something wrong. ‘THAT isn’t true!’ he would protest indignantly. Whilst he didn’t mind too much about my blog, he really did object if I wrote something that wasn’t true (as he saw it)
Throughout the time that i was with him, in varying capacities, his story constantly changed. It would always be what the other person wanted to hear. There was one sentence that he would almost always say to me, after we had had a fight and for the 5,000 time we were closing our liason together, he would always say:
I will be ok,you forget, I can be whoever I want to be, remember?
As he had always said this statement, it was the one sentence that did register in my mind. After all,after the second year of knowing him, I admit that i did tend to switch off. For two reasons, firstly, he would talk non stop, about nothing in particular. Secondly, I never knew if he was lying and to my mind it took energy to actively listen to someone. I therefore stopped listening. I just gave a polite nod or a smile, or said yes at the appropriate times. I had become quite skilled at inactive listening.
It was tonight that I was thinking about this concept. I was looking at M E (female sociopath from sociopathworld) twitter feed, and I saw these quotes, which reminded me of my sociopaths quote about being who he wanted to be
The problem is, once sociopaths stop experiencing a relationship to be pleasurable they stop being nice because they are not nice people
The only thing sociopath is in love with is the idea of what he can get from the person. The more he can get the more he is ‘in love
The sociopath is the salesman without a product.
I thought about these statements, and also the socio in my life, who had openly told me many times, that he would be ok, as he could be anyone that he wanted to be.
If the sociopath in your life, suddenly changed at discard, and you were faced with a different person. Remember that this is because the sociopath is the showman, the illusionist. What has changed, is that the sociopaths ‘mirror’ has changed. No longer are they mirroring you. They have, sourced alternative supply behind your back, and are now being someone else.
This also reminded me of a programme that I watched as a child. As most readers from this site are not from the UK, you might not remember this. It was a children’s programme called ‘Mr Ben’, in this programme, a man each episode, walked into a shop. The shop was a fancy dress shop. In the shop there were many costumes, and you never knew who Mr Ben would be this episode, until he stepped out of the dressing room with his new costume. Each week, he would be a different person. Which as a child, was exciting. Spaceman, Pirate, Clown, who knew what Mr Ben would be today?
Whilst, the sociopath does not go to such lengths as to wear a fancy dress costume, that everybody can see, they do indeed wear a mask, that mirrors the situation that they are in, for their own benefit. When the relationship no longer serves its purpose to the sociopath, they can swiftly change who they are to fit into their new environment. The person that was declaring how you ‘were their soulmate’ or ‘the person I will spend the rest of my life with’ all of these claims, is now gone. Now they are mirroring somebody else. Being a reflection in the looking glass to somebody else. It hurts you, as no longer is that reflection – you.
Remember that nothing really ever changes with the sociopath. Their story might change, the audience might change, and like Mr Ben in the shopkeepers shop…. the outfit might change, the sociopath is always the same, always repeats the same patterns of behaviour. The internal workings are the same. It is just that whilst you are you, (0r whoever the sociopath moulds you into) the sociopath – can (and will) be whoever they want to be!!
This is the real reason, why the sociopath keeps their own life private, whilst knowing EVERYTHING about yours.
- They can effectively mirror you, if they know everything that is going on in your world
- If other people are kept separate from each other, they will never see the changed charisma, the changed mask, and the changed costume and they will not be able to catch the sociopath out. This reduces the risk of the sociopath being exposed
Copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013
54 thoughts on “Sociopath’s can be whoever they want to be!”
Excellent information Positivagirl! I like how you write things out very clearly. We need to remember these things if tempted to break NC. Learning all I can. I read the twitter posts of M E sociopath too.
You are absolutely correct in this, positivagirl, mine has now decided he can buy a flat, he is going to use a mate to say he is not a contractor but self-employed and has been “allowed off” the money he owes personally to the company he lost a deal on (he is self-employed) because an ex army mate of his will help him get a mortgage and all of his friends are behind him. I have noticed from your site that a lot of them are ex army/institutional – you wanted tips for your book?!!! Luckily I am just listening rather than going out to buy a load of stuff that he would have promised me lol. Also, I have a very good friend who I confide in, since he has slurred my name now and some of the people I know believe him – I am just hibernating and decorating my house – but still trying to sort out the financial mess he left behind and still smarting from it all – big hugs x
Remember that they are compulsive liars. So he wants you to think that he is doing ‘well’ Is about to buy a flat he has been allowed off money he owes. Etc etc…. you never know how much of it is true. Often they just allow you to believe whatever illusion that they want you to believe (oh but always it will be how much better they are doing than you) …
Do you know that these statements are true? It is the sort of deluded lies that my ex would tell me after he had left, about this amazing wonderful life he was having. They use other people to back up their lies. Might be if you spoke to those people they would say – er… no…. I am not helping him to get a mortgage. By minimising you (slandering your name) to make you feel like you need to hibernate – he can fake whatever life he wants to.
After all, life is just a game!
this is a great post! your are absolutely correct. Moving further and further away from the sociopathic spell over me, i have reflected on very small, seemingly innocent things he said to me in the past, which now i realise was an indicator of who he really was, had i known more about sociopathy back then. Not long after the bond was developing i remember saying to him, “you are too good to be true”! he was upset id said this and ruminated over it for ages. Of course, it turned out to be very fitting as he was “too good to be true”……………..in fact he wasnt true at all ha ha!! He also told me early on he was a “shapeshifter” and he could change to be “anything anybody wants him to be” ha ha. Fits perfectly with what you are saying doesnt it? Also i have never mentioned this before, but since i was young i have had very prophetic dreams which have guided and informed me. Weeks before ther dramatic discard from soc, i had a vivid dream of “THE JOKER” from batman. i didnt really watch the film and did not understand the character. The dream was really vivid, the mask with the white face and vivid lipstick and lopsided evil, cunning grin,. when i looked it up i realised the joker was a cunning evil psychopath intent on harm. Ha ha the discard and the betrayal happened a little later and my “joker” was the soc in my life and once again putting all the pieces together my dream was telling me what was coming. I still have a little compassion for the little boy lost story he gave me as i know there was a lot of hurt in his past as a child as i saw the evidence for this and i wish i did not know this as i could ditch the idea and “presence” of him much more swiftly instead i still have a little compassion which is amazing when i realise what he put me through (the full extent of his vengeance i have not written about yet). i wish i could turn that compassion and the memory of his former hurt into complete indifference but then that would make me less than human wouldnt it?? but you are so right about the mask, so spot on!! Thanks for the post and all that you are.
I also found similarity between Joker from Batman and my ex spath. My ex spath was always full of humor. He likes to present himself as witty and funny, but he is actually like the Joker. Everything to them is joke and game, they don’t have respect for any human being. Just mockery. How tiring and boring in the end, when we see behind their mask. There is also another movie character like Mr.Ben – Jim Carrey in “The Mask” movie. He puts on the mask and become whoever he wants to be. Well, now I know that movie was actually about sociopaths. Hmmm…. that was my sister’s favorite movie… huh:(
You hit it right on the head, positivagirl. It’s amazing (and sad) that these type of people can parade around and constantly mirror those of us who have true emotions for others. I just think it must be so very sad to have no feelings but instead have to manufacture them. I was just called last night by someone who (unknowingly) invited me back to a common place that this p-path hangs out at because I totally stopped hanging out there all together. I didn’t even bother to return their call. I just don’t know what to say because I don’t want to set him off. There’s no way that I will subject myself to his discarding me again. That’s where I was when I left (for the 2nd time), so I’m sure he’ll continue right where he left off if I return, only this time I’m guessing it will be worse. It may be total hatred along with the discard because I “got away” (how DARE me!!-who do I think I am?). It is taking me years to get to where I’m finally learning to love and care about the future of my feelings and I don’t want them trampled on by someone like that again. Not to say that it’ll never happen, but a snake is a snake is a snake in my book and they’re all filled with the same thing – venom. He was so nice and kind in the beginning and no one (still to this day) would ever believe that he has another side to him, but he showed it to me and it was quite frightening. The No Contact is my lifesaver. It’s been a long journey for me, but it’s not as sad and lonely as it has been. It’s getting better with a little time, but I’m also being very gentle with myself as well and I encourage those of you who are in the beginning stages of this to just HOLD ON – I promise you, it does get better – believe me, it really does. Please don’t give up and think it’s all over for you because it’s not – you’re body and mind needs to process this and regroup is all. Give yourself time. Yes, it hurts like hell, but it won’t last forever. When things like this (the phone call) happen, it just makes me reinforce it and protect the NC even more as my saving grace. When I have the feelings to go back, I think about how far I’ve come and do I really want to experience hell again? When I last saw him, I strongly felt his anger due to my not giving in to him, but that just tells me that I’m on the right track. I just have to continue to stay out of his way for the rest of my life is all. I was always under the impression that once he got married (to this beautiful girl that wants him so badly), that all bets would be off with me and he’d leave me alone, never wanting to having anything to do with me anymore, but my sister disagrees. I somehow still think I’m right on that, but maybe I’m not. Thank you so much for all you do positivagirl – you are a great source of strength for us and I hope you know just how much you are appreciated here.
No Contact can be tough at first, but the one thing that it does give you, is peace of mind. The ability to heal and recover. The ability to stop further manipulation and abuse. It gives you time to think for yourself, find yourself. So many things. Really, you might be lonely during that healing process. But with the sociopath, you have lost yourself. There is no greater loss than losing yourself. Thank you for offering support to others… its so nice to hear that you are on your way to recovery, healing. I hope the life that you deserve. A real, beautiful life. That is not a fabricated lie, or a reflection in a distorted mirror. Thank you!
I just started NC today. It is a little hard, but I feel I have escaped bizarre-I-world! It really is putting my mind at ease. No crazy making, lies, doing detective work wearing myself out! Sure there will be bad moments. I will be here reading a lot again. I will remember what it feels like when I found out he cheated, lied about 80% of the time…I’m serious. Thank you Positivagirl. Sincerely, you’ve made my life easier thru all of the cycles. NC round 2 😉
Hey positive gal..remember me? the dumb me smart me now.. funny how you seem to write what I need to read.. =) I must say I have been taking care of myself and I had a long while of peace since that ex monster I met closed her youtube and left me in peace ahhhh after never ever reacting to her she finally got tired, I think ..she found other means now =)
I wanted to share this with you and readers here..
Their are pathological liars as you all know.. well a friend of mine wrote me and said.”.I got a tweet from a girl the pic looks like your ex and then the things she talked about on her tweets did too, take a look”
well I must say i did not want to, I finally had peace.. but I have such shame to say I picked and wow!
its her..using a different name but same tastes same ways to put her smile n_n and you know how it is..
recall I told you she was telling me about her jealous husband? and that she got married..? and she was going to be a mom? she moved away..just after I had moved away .
She must feel safe there cause there she talks of her towns weather and all so she did not move…same town, she talks of how hard is to be alone, single! in the cold nights!
how she cant stand babies her nephew annoys her.. ( she never had a baby nephew ) she had a cousin baby ..
she flirts with older man!
same way and words she started with me..she flirts with girls too.
and guess it gets worse
she told me her dad dump her and her brother of his house cause his new lover moved in and she had to live with her granny and well that poor granny had all cancer and troubles she needed money to help…
her dad was a abuser and she had lost her mom at 2
now she lives with her sweet wonderful dad! hummmmm and her mom has breast cancer!!!
her mom?????? who died when she was 2?
Mind you I met her and was with her while in UNI never met her family..we both moved after and were meant to mover together some day oh god thank god I never did
I was a fool to see the red flags.. there was no family pics..she never show me pics of her with her family ..when she was back home..she said her camera broke
her skype was mal functioning .
I then would pressure to know more and I got treated poorly..you dont trust me..with no trut there is no love we got to end things”
She is now flirting with this older guy and her poor mom alive now has cancer, she does some fitness have work out but same time she talks of not eating …go figure .
and there is more she gave herself a new title
she is a agoraphobic in recovery that is her tweeter tittle !
I am just sharing I am much better.. I wont deny that feels weird to see all you knew about a person is all all lies.. we all wonder were they..ye it must of been but to finally see yes it was .. makes you feel like the biggest fool ever!
thank you so much you helped me more than you know..
I hope you all get well and remember No contact
thanks for posting and for replies
Hey How great to hear from you, and happy holidays to you too!!! You have inspired me, perhaps I need a page, where people who have been here for quite a while, can write how their lives did turn around, how they did get away. Managed to rebuild their life. To offer hope to those first out of the relationship and broken.
How great to hear your story. I remember that there was a lot of confusion about her. But always encouraged you to keep to no contact. Do you know, that you seeing her things, I think that you were meant to see those things, to give you the answers that you needed. Now that you can see the rest of the picture and the rest of the truth, well it appears quite obvious who she is. How much of a lucky escape you had.
It seems such a long time ago, when you were battling through, then went on your holiday…. and now to hear you doing so well. It really did make me smile, and makes me think that this work is worthwhile. I always said… if it just helps ONE person, then it is worth it.
I was lost and had so much shame I told one friend about all and you here..I had so much shame cause as you know and might understand..we see this red flags..but we at times dont want to see..I knew I could not tell my family that i never saw her family and not even pictures of them with her..I knew something was odd and wrong..but i was “addicted” or so wanting to be loved like ..well you know they seem to love you like no one has ever..they seem so crazy for you and I never had that..they lift your ego and then when you are up there the cruelty starts and the abuse and the lies are always there and you are to be blamed and you are as you said well in a Fog and is so hard to see beyond the fog..yet you all may know..we have a gut feeling is all too good to be true…
Then I ran I ran when I could and I did not look back…but I was lost I was confused..I left but much in a fog and with so many questions
what happen to me? Am I crazy? Did she lie all or as she said I am a paranoid and I make stuff on my crazy head for fear?
Then thank god when I was very lost and her trying to hoover me back
I put in huge letters here I FOUND THIS SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes you made all clear when nothing would
please positive girl take all the thank you you and the cause you yous ..you deserve
you helped me like none could
I turned around on my own but with your help! Your words were like a light in the dark
was like balm in my pain.. you made us all see like is.. you know them like you met each one of them
and boy they are all the same ..different ages colors looks ..men women…young old from all the walks of the world and they act the same!!!!!!
they are all like they came from the same mold
nasty manipulators masters in deceit curel controling weak with no soul.no heart..no love inside.. the worse types of humans..from them there are murders and mind control at its best..
theyu are like ego maniacs dying for attention and poor me poor me behaviour.they talk of suicide like taking lives even their own is such ease..
all for attention ..to win and control
From you I saw all as is..you are amazing and generous to help us all
I will never forget this site and I enter many times to read again
I am happy now I love me now I found something in me I neve had
and I guess then I was supposed to meet that creep to get lost deeply and get found.
Positive gal you are one of a kind good person thank you!!
I would def buy a book from you!!
and yes was painful is hard to know for fact it was all lies.. but is also funny actually to see this new fake site of hers..and her new lies knowing is all lies ..
it proves me and us all they are many people in one ..how can you tell you got no mom to a person and to another that your mom has cancer?
why? Normal folks could never tell such creepy lie.
I think she will get this guy and he leves near her he will give her money..I was smart I gave her gifts but cheap ones ehehheeh
she try to get money and blamed me for not offering ehhe but I was lucky to no lose money or worse things as I read such sad things here and from you.
I am blessed
YOu are all blessed we are free .
No Contact rules!!
You are so right
thank you thank you !!!!!!!!! =)
@positivagirl – this is so true, and I understand what you said above “The problem is, once sociopaths stop experiencing a relationship to be pleasurable they stop being nice because they are not nice people” And “The only thing sociopath is in love with is the idea of what he can get from the person. The more he can get the more he is ‘in love”
This is exactly the way my ex-sp acted – I just remembered that he tried to get me to perjure myself to a cop once when he was arrested for violating a restraining order against his ex-gf. Of course I didn’t, but I never told him that. (I told the cop what I saw and heard – I had no idea what was going on) He found out about 4-6 weeks later from the cop, and he was really pissed off at me – he became cold, distant and antagonistic, and the warm, fun-loving guy never came back (at least to me) I think he realized I couldn’t be manipulated and I was beyond his control.
As for the second statement, it ties in with the first – I wouldn’t sell him my perfectly good car, I wouldn’t buy a house with him, and he couldn’t bully me into moving in with him (or giving him a huge tax-writeoff I had – now I can’t even believe the f@cking nerve he had to ask me to sign it over to him). He dangled looking at engagement rings and getting married, but I am not really an impulsive person – I really need to think about things like that before jumping in with both feet. His now-wife, however, who started shagging him while she knew he was with me, looks like she fell for it hook, line and sinker, and married him within 13 weeks of us breaking up. Of course, she owns a house, has a stable job, and my guess, is just foolish and desperate enough to do whatever he wants her to. When the honeymoon is over she’ll find out the hard way that the marriage is a sham and huge mistake. It is actually kind of funny …
Ooh, does that make you want to know the out come with them? I hear disaster looming. She owns a house, she has a stable job (financial security for him)… oh dear. I hope she likes sharing!!
Well clearly she did like sharing as she managed to share you man without your permission. Oh well, good luck to her, he is no prize!! 🙂
She didn’t seem to mind sharing his time or his body when he was still with me, but she doesn’t like sharing his monetary resources, as when I asked him to repay the money he owes me. I think she is as greedy as he is, so it would be interesting to find out just how “happy” they are in 5 years or so (if it lasts that long) – I think she might be like his previous ex-gf (who I also think is a bit of an sp), and, like I said, when the honeymoon is over, they are going to go for each others throat and get nasty with each other. (I saw a picture of their wedding dance – neither one of them look “quite right” , that was just my gut feeling) Whatever …
Great article. So true how they can be whoever they want when they need or want to. I have a few things I have been wondering about and would love some feedback.
To everyone on the outside including family members he appears to be very kind, laid back, sweet, innocent, and gentle. However, his mother, sister, kids, and I see the other hidden side. He is a quiet person, private person, secretive, not very social. He is often depressed, always tired, very moody, and is always crying the blues over how bad he feels inside, how much he hurts inside. But, he always says he has no words, but only feelings deep inside that only he knows and will keep them inside of himself forever. He has never been hot tempered, just easily aggravated, he does not yell, name call or get violent. He cries a lot, is this for attention? I am curious if SP are depressed, sad people? His mom and sister say he has always been moody, grumpy. Or is all this pity party to gain sympathy from people by playing victim? Sometimes, I think he is not only a SP, but also suffers from severe mental depression. His father abandoned him when he was little and his mom and sister have told be how he would sit and cry for hours, not talk to anyone, and isolate himself. He did this same thing since he discarded me in August…he turned into a recluse, completely isolating, not communicating with anyone for months….except for the outsiders…women who only know him on the surface. What is this all about? Why does he hide behind a mask? Does he not want people to know how rotten he is on the inside? I’m still so confused…
Whilst the sociopath can genuinely sit and sob (fake) tears….. whilst they are grieving someone who is about to die of cancer.
None of those feelings are real. In fact the cancer that they are crying over – could not be real either. They are liars and fakers.
I haven’t known sociopaths to be the type to be sad, depressed, low…. that sounds opposite to what I know of as a sociopath.
You know, I think I read somewhere once that these s-paths actually do have feelings for those that are really close to them, such as family members and spouses, but I totally disagree with that. I don’t believe they can feel at all unless it’s feelings of frustration (can’t get what they want out of you), boredom, and rejection (when you dump them instead of vice versa). They’re total disasters waiting to attach themselves to a life they can destroy. We all need to be careful even when they’re in our vicinity because they’ll latch on to any vulnerability they perceive within us.
you will find amazing that most of them will tell you stories of being left.. of mom or dad died..of being abused…and raped..of having cancer
in fact they love love cancer stories..they love to have cancer..fight cancer or have a family member that have cancer ..they simply love that..and rape ..and abuse stories.
Let me tell you..unless you have absolute proof like you met a family member and they told you that is true….and mind you some I use a close brother or friend to agree the lies they tell..they ask this people to tell you yes it did..
they are famous from doing such things..or they make fake friends on line to talk to you.
MY ex did everything..and I found proves now.
They are masters pathological liars…nothing they say is true.
be very careful ..they aodre sob poor me stories ..they live on attention
they die without it.
They fear rejection and solitude ..
So true. My socio used to send 1000’s of texts to me that he was starving and broke when he was living with his friend and when he was removed by the sheriffs from the apt. And had “no home” he stopped his whining. I found this strange since I had been or I thought his only means of support for everything. He pretty much disappeared a week after that happened.
I’m grateful that he discarded me, my life has become so much simpler since he found someone else to take care of him. I feel bad for whoever it is but it’s out of my hands now and it’s better this way.
I remember the feeling of relief as I let him go (yes, of course he turned it around so that he appeared to discard me). It surprised me for a nano-second and then I reveled in the feeling. Thank you for writing here.
They ALWAYS ALWAYS do that… (its the narc ego) – tell you that they have left you – when actually it was you that said you didn’t want to be with them anymore! 🙂
Great post as always and I read daily as I need all the support I can get.. While reading this post I liked how you said his words registered with you. What I have called that is “truths”..sociopaths truths. I often would explain these lines to my friends as “justin truths” because he lied constantly but once in a blue moon he said something truthful wtihout reaizing I would catch it. His truth was ” I do what I want” he would always say that to me throughout our relationship and it is so true..the man did whatever the hell he wanted at whatever cost regardless of my feelings. He still continues to this day. He also told me he is a private person and always has been. He has mention to me his fear of losing and not being able to invest in one person in case they leave never ONCE thinking about how that affects the other person or in his case many women! He is a true sociopath and I have had no contact for the millionith time since Sunday. He texted today from a fake number because I constantly block him that I am a meanie.. because I am ignoring him..so sick of this rerun..Thank you again for your blog!
Thank you for being part of my blog Maria! 🙂 Yes, I know what you mean, how those ‘truths’ jump out at you. Here are a couple more that he said in early days
– Only strives for control because they feel out of control (when providing an analysis of someone else)
– All men only tell you what you want to hear (at this point in time he didn’t know he was a sociopath – I don’t think, and at this time, I think he really did believe that is what everyone else did – to tell people what they wanted to hear)
so sad and disorted the way of thinking they have.. sometimes I feel like these little truths were a cry for help. Must be pretty lonely never having anyone in your life you can truly be yourself with..instead you are several different types of people you make up in your head. Looking back on our relationship I remember several converstations we had and/or comments he made that made no sense at the time but now are clear as day to me. He once was explaining a “just a friend” to me but then said in the same sentence..I feel like you are both competing for me..I was shocked and had no clue what he meant since I just discovered this woman so how could or would I compete for someone i didn’t even know exsisted!??!! He was making up delusions not only to me and her but to himself..scary stuff..
So true. Mine always said “I always get my way”
At the start of the relationship some of those truths slipped out.
“I read people like no one else”
“I manipulate people easily”
“I love how my mind works..,different” (got the feeling he thought superior)
“I don’t care how other people feel” this one was said a few times.
“You don’t want to mess with me, you don’t know what I’m capable of” also a few times said. It made me look twice when he said that as it was almost evil. Now I know it was.
It’s funny isn’t it…. the clues are all there. In a way they tell us. Right to our face. Which is surprising for a compulsive liar.
I recall when everything exploded for the first time (March 2012) at this time he didn’t know he was a sociopath. He had done in those first months horrific things. i was absolutely stunned. I was so in love with him, and I couldn’t understand why everything was going so wrong? How could we be having so much bad luck…. Then BANG the truth came out. he had just stolen from my bank account, he never had a job it was all fake, his daughters mother wasn’t dying of cancer. In fact EVERYTHING was a lie. Pretty much everything out of his mouth was a lie.
I remember calling him repeatedly STUNNED, i was absolutely stunned…. then he switched started threatening me….
I remember him saying repeatedly at that time. You don’t realise I JUST DON’T CARE!!! I don’t care what other people think… you do. Then he told me how he was going to tell me what he REALLY thought of me.
I guess in those days that was a long time ago. He was telling me, giving me clues to who he was. I didn’t believe him that he didn’t care. As that notion hadn’t occurred to me, that it really existed. besides this he had acted the role, of caring man, moral man, just absolutely unbelievable…. I remember him running from the house (not realising he had stolen £320.00 from my bank)…. with his hand holding the phone yelling I am on the phone to the police.
I was so stunned, so so shocked.
What really amazes me about that though – is WHY? What was the point? All the damage that he did, was so severe it couldn’t be undone. That is the thing with sociopaths – they mess their own lives up. they cant help it.
If it is good. A sociopath will destroy. For no other reason… than they just do.
Pos, it is just horrible but I relate so well to the not knowing it was possible not to care, except mine was pretty much a millionaire so i moved in with him (and paid an extravagant amoumt of rent) and he didn’t steal (as far as I’m aware. Although he certainly gave me nothing either and I ended up in debt..!)
As horrible as it was, having the truth so obviously in front of u does that help with acceptance? I had to piece it all together and a lot of it I have no concrete proof. Just what his mother said, or my gut and detective work and some very very suspect behaviours where i almost caught him out. And when he was done. That was it. Although he did try to leave doors open, I just slammed them firmly shut.
Mine was so surprised when I shut that door because what he had done couldn’t be undone. When he realised that he went cold. Dead cold. (After the narcissistic rage of course)
I dont think having the truth in front of me, helped me with acceptance. I think the time frame was the same. The only difference was that as he was in my life, and continued to repeat the behaviour this reinforced – so that I couldn’t be deluded, he couldn’t delude me (he tried)…. it was a long process after that. I took him back for another 2 months, he faked another 4 jobs, got me into further debt, i almost lost my home, he got a bike, ipod, watch, and mobile phone….
Still we stayed in touch. he learnt about it with me. His behaviour was so textbook. You couldn’t deny it.
This year, he really did try. He really did try. But, as i didn’t trust him, he couldnt control or manipulate me, I just distanced myself. So, the lies, deceit, started again and he vanished behind his mask again. I felt like I was with an empty shell again…. You know the million words yet saying nothing at all….. the ranting so much that your head hurts. The false accusations and allegations…. it all started again…. But we didn’t end on bad terms. I dont hate him today. I think that was because – a) I went through the understanding with him in front of me b) I grieved it whilst with him so let go whilst with him – c) we ended LOTS of times…. i saw repeated patterns so regularly that I knew that there would be no change. So I switched off. And he – well he was never emotionally switched on anyway 🙂
That makes sense. It all comes down to no contact as the main factor in getting through this quickly. Or should I say, quicker. 5 and a half months and doing ok. 🙂
Great post. Wonderful title. Says almost ALL.
and lifesaving blog. Thank you
good article. The sociopath in my life wanted to know everything about me too He would just taking about nothing as well. At the time I saw him as a good friend, so I shared some of my past with him. I never even heard of a sociopath. I was in my mid-twenties. This person conned me for ten years of my life. Everything evil he could do behind my back, or just the lying, tricking, stealing, gaslighting. I believe he knew all about the problem he had and more. He knew everything and I knew nothing. He dumped his past or what he could or just pretending to me. While taking mine. He did this through life games. I have never been so hurt by another person in my life. This person left my life destroyed. I was left with nothing even to move forward.
When you have nothing. When your life is taken down to nothing at all. You have the opportunity for a fresh clean start in life. You can see tomorrow like a blank piece of paper, and start to fill it in. In some ways this can be easier, as when you have nothing there is only one way to go – and that is up (and without the socio in your life – there is nobody to destroy you).
Welcome to the site!! 🙂 many of us here, understand your story…. for many of us share the same one.
So fitting to me currently!!
I am constantly reading this blog since I started NC and it really empowers me. More I read, more I understand. This is probably a sentence that you all heard for a million times by now.
Though, I have a question regarding this particular post. Regarding:
‘If the sociopath in your life, suddenly changed at discard, and you were faced with a different person. – TRUE
Remember that this is because the sociopath is the showman, the illusionist.-TRUE
What has changed, is that the sociopaths ‘mirror’ has changed. No longer are they mirroring you. They have, sourced alternative supply behind your back, and are now being someone else. – here, I would like a clarification. If their mirror has changed, if they have an alternative supply (let’s say another girl(s) that they are flirting with), I would suppose that they are in the assesment stage with her and everything is going fine as they just start to know the other person and that person is amazing and behaving nice. It is clear that in this context they will not be mirroring ONLY you, but if they mirror a mix between you and the other girl how is that possible that they convert into a totally different person?
Another question is: why do they still continue to bother you if they already found this other source(s) of supply? (and it is clear that they already took what was needed from you). Or they won’t give up untill they absorb all possibly supply from you? If so, how do you show them that they have nothing else to take?
I have to confess that untill now I did not believe in the curing power of writing down my story or reading forums on this topic, but I have to admit that it is really helpfull.
Thank u all.
Welcome to the site 🙂
If they are with someone else, they are mirroring what the other person wants to hear. They are no longer mirroring you. He wouldn’t be mirroring you if facing her. They are chameleons, and can change depending on what they need to be.
They continue to still bother you, if they feel that they can. If they can get away with it, and get further source of supply. They can see multiple people at the same time.
If they can get away with it…
Wow! Your description is so dead on. It describes my ex, especially the part of “being whoever they want to be”. In a moment of candor, my ex told me how she kept mental “Tupper ware” compartments in her head and could open and close the compartments as she wanted. She could “genuinely” be whomever she chose to be at a moment. She had compartments for lover (as in affairs), family, and more. The end result was pain and destruction for anyone close to her.
You can read more here: http://dhillr.wordpress.com/2013/11/18/an-in-depth-divorce-story-lessons-learned-2/
The psychopath part is in a section under “my view of the divorce”
I am starting to worry I might have caught empathy from you lot, the fact that I’m worrying is strange enough.I feel sick.
I don’ think you can ‘catch’ empathy JK. Your safe.
I hope you’re right
I just receive a death threaten today…..and I kind of wonder how much of what he said is bla bla and how much is true…I really don t want to live all my life with this fear.
If he has threatened your life. Call the police. Do not take chances. Please do this. Did he threaten you verbally or in writing (text or email) – or do you have it on voicemail?
Verbally.He told me this just after I advised him to be wise and stop, because everything has consequences. I already went to the police 2 times and the 3rd time that I will go they will call him in front of a court. But I am still affraid because I am almost convinced that the police here will not take immediate action and he will be still walking free. And once he knows that the police is alerted he will become even more threateaning. So I am stuck…
This is playing into what he wants. To put my fear pressure on you so you won’t report to police,
Believe me he does this as almost all sociopaths do NOT want to go to jail. they hate being bored and being stuck in a jail cell all day is not their idea of fun.
You need to protect yourself. Do you have a domestic violence support project in your area? If you do, contact them – and they might be able to help you with an injunction order. Which makes it legal he has to keep away from you.
I understand about them getting more angry – but you have to protect yourself. A threat on your life, has to be taken seriously. Of course he will lie and make you out to be crazy. Does he have any previous criminal convictions?
I have already contacted such a project, but did not receive a reply yet. I will have to go there in person to check which are the possible options in this case. Do you think that I can get a injuction order without him being alerted by the police?
I don’t know if he has any criminal convinctions, but I honestly doubt that the other girls that he was with arrived to report him. I am trying to get in contact with 2 of the x gf, but no answer yet
Menwhile I am checking the law to see wheter there is a punichment for all this.
Do they have a helpline number for your area? Most areas do, 24 hour crisis lines. It might be easier for you to call them.
I don’t know where you live? In the UK if his actions would be a legal matter for harassment, intimidation, threats to kill. So ask him to stop contacting you. Tell him that the relationship is over and that you want no further contact.
Never ever display any emotion towards him. Not fear or anything. Even if you are really scared. Treat him as a business transaction only. The most important thing is to make sure that you are safe.
Make the report to the police. Keep a diary and record EVERYTHING that he does. Dates times etc. This should help you with evidence.
Thanks a lot for your words. Evidence I have plenty already, but I will record this somewhere as well and some ppl are informed so whaterver happens everybody will know that it was him. Actually it is not this that I want; I only want nothing to happen to me. I will take action tomorrow regarding the support project and keep posting.
Support project is a great idea, as they will support you. As you know they are pathological liars, so he would lie about you and report you for something. it is a great idea to ensure that you get support for you. Let us know how you get on 🙂
The problem is, once sociopaths stop experiencing a relationship to be pleasurable they stop being nice . . . this statement is so true! in the end, he told lies about me to anyone that would listen, held our dog hostage, stole money from me, this list goes on! who was this person? i now understand, i am not the crazy one. peace
Wow Pos, you really have them pegged to a T in this an all the other posts. These spaths are very weird.
Today, I got confirmation he is, in fact, the sociopath I thought he was, and he has been doing the things he’s denied. He texted me saying he apologized that his ex-wife posted my picture on her Facebook, with the “Hi stalker” comment, that that is why he doesn’t let her near his phone. With this b.s., I had just had it. Because of her voicemail to me that I didn’t answer, I had her number and forwarded her his text.
She texted back, accusing me of saying horrible things (things she wouldn’t know if he hadn’t shared), then through the course of conversation, we determined he had lied about her as well as to her, and to me about our respective “interactions”.
At first, she wanted me to believe I had been misled about her and him, that she didn’t know about me, if I’d looked at her pictures more, I’d know she had moved on, that she was a business professional, blah blah blah. But I questioned her and she admitted to having sex with him while he was seeing me, and really knowing he was lying. She said he still denies me. I told her he denies her as well! At that point, her true self came out and she basically said, if they wanted to have sex, it was up to them and, with sex as good as theirs, well, it is what it is.
I had to laugh at this. She took exception to me thinking badly of her, but she knew about his wife where I didn’t, AND, she knew about me, and didn’t care! I told her she couldn’t be both self-righteous and sinful, to choose! They have a child together and she’s known him 19 years. She says the difference is, she doesn’t care if he denies her, that she’s had her share of days fighting over him and doesn’t choose to anymore. Just no morals to speak of.
I told her we wouldn’t be speaking again, and I didn’t expect to see my picture on her page again, and that if she caused me any kind of trouble (she threatened restraining order after all their $h*t), I’d let the court know about him getting my car impounded for a drug run (he’s on probation), and that SHE is the contact he has that calls everyone when he gets in trouble.
I haven’t processed all this yet. And, to be perfectly honest, this is the kind of thing I shelve and just don’t deal with. But, I have a whole bookcase now of these that are popping up in therapy. It sooooooo sucks. I’m afraid to let all the reality thoughts come. Although I’ve entertained suspicions before, I’d just hoped he was more authentic than I believed. He (and she) are exactly what I suspected (with the exception of her self-delusion—I figured she knew she was selling her soul for a sex toy, but she appears to think there is nothing wrong with a little sex with her ex, although I’m sure she’ll have to rethink it now that I slapped her in the face with it).
I also know I will definitely never speak to him again now. I understand this is why some other things have been happening in my life this past week. God knows me well, and that I wouldn’t be able to deal with this without some open windows. Still sucks though.
@Jusagurl – she sounds like a bit of a sp herself – funny how that works. I think they attract each other, then will implode when they try to outplay each other. Good for you for stepping away from it – God will take care of them, no need for you to be involved any more. Get out while you can.
My ex married a woman who bragged about it “I know when you broke up because we were together then” – WOW. I don’t know, I always held social workers in high regard because of what they do (and I have friends who are social workers), but she was completely enabling him. To believe his lies is one thing – I believed him – but to be proud of how their relationship started is beyond morally bankrupt.
You know, Jusagurl, it sounds like they deserve each other, and hopefully you can forgive yourself and move on.
When I told her we wouldn’t be speaking again, that if I had any trouble, I’d report to court, etc., she replied, “Something is truly wrong w u… forget this number!” Yeah, something is wrong with ME, not her? And, what did she think? We were going to become girlfriends after she confessed to sleeping with him while he was with me, and she knew he was lying about it??
I think you’re right about them together. The chaos he creates is what makes her not be with him full time but, she’ll still keep him for the sex! (“Moved on”, indeed. She doesn’t even know the web she’s in.) I actually said, “Well, I guess while you two are at this, you can’t be damaging other people’s lives with your toxicity,” and that’s what I really think. I think hers is a soul he is stealing and, with her continued acts, she cements her fate.
As for me, I’ve come to understand what I’ve been doing in this mess. I didn’t realize my upbringing was such an issue that I would call something like this “comfortable” in any way. This has certainly catapulted me into uncomfortable places that I can no longer ignore if I want to progress in my life and become the person I really should be.
I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I wasn’t sure of the real truth because of all the lies he told me. It’s as if he didn’t want me to be entirely sure I was doing something wrong so, he’d introduce contradictions that created doubt. But, now that I know what’s what, I will never see him again. Period.