Many people who come out of the sociopathic relationship, still have no idea that they have been abused. They are not aware that their relationship was particularly abusive. They know that there were times when things did not feel right. They knew that after the relationship, they felt bad about themselves. But when asked, will often minimise, or just remember the big dramatic events, whilst forgetting that the entire relationship was abusive.
There are different ways that the sociopath abuses their victims. Often abuse will be disguised by faking to help the victim, donning the disguise of ‘rescuer’ the victim believes that he/she needs the abuser. Unlike the narcissist the sociopath is expert at disguising what their true motives really are. Behind the illusion, the actions are often far more sinister.
Abuse occurs in two ways. It is either what you can see, overt abuse, or it is abuse that you cannot see, this is called covert abuse.
Both types of abuse can cause long-term psychological damage to the victim. Often this can lead to psychological damage that needs professional help to overcome, heal and recover from.
Emotional abuse, is when your emotions are controlled, for the abusers benefit. This is a common form of abuse for sociopaths to do. As they do not have the same range of emotions, they do not feel guilt, remorse or shame for their actions. They can and will use (fake) love to manipulate you, and fear to control you. Different types of emotional abuse are:
- Putting you down either 1-1 or in front of others
- Being controlling
- Blaming, framing and shaming
- Lying to you
- Being manipulative or deceptive
- Shouting and ranting
- Stealing or cheating
- Isolating you from others
- Slandering your name – telling lies about you
- Playing victim
- False accusations and allegations
Financial abuse is where your abuser uses money to control you, manipulate you, stops you from earning money or controls how you spend your money. Many people who have been financially abused, have lost jobs, been left with debt, and some have lost their homes.
- Obtaining money by deception
- Withholding money from you
- Preventing you from working
- Failing to take financial responsibility that directly affects you
- Borrowing money saying that they will pay it back when they have no intention of doing so
- Pressuring you to pay by deception
- Making you feel that if you pay for them, they will do something for you, or that they will stay with you
- Isolating you from your own money
- Using emotional abuse to destabilise you so that they can take control of your money and spending
- Using your credit/debit cards without your permission
- Financial emotional blackmail
- Making you account for every penny that you spend
- Sabotaging your job, making you miss work, or calling you constantly whilst you are at work
- Restricting or withholding access to basic necessities, like food, clothing or shelter
Physical abuse is when someone uses physical force to hurt your person. This does include slapping, or poking. Anything that is a violation of your body, and your rights not to be physically abused. You need to pay special attention when a sociopath/psychopath becomes physically violent. Being without a conscience, this could very quickly escalate into a situation that could result in at worse, loss of your life. If this is happening to you, make sure that you get out safely. Contact a domestic violence unit in your area, for additional support and help.
- Throttling or strangulation
- Pulling hair
Sexual abuse is when you are coherced, forced, or exploited in a sexual way. Sexual abuse includes
- Forcing or encouraging you to do sexual acts that you are not comfortable with
- Mocking your body, or your sexuality
Warning! There is strong evidence that sexual assault alongside physical assault, puts you at a very high risk of serious harm, that could be fatal!
How many of the above did you experience in your relationship?
You might not realise, until you see the above list, just how abusive your relationship was. You might be still in the delusional stage, when you are in denial, and still focused on the hearts and roses and the false empty promises provided by the sociopath.
Abuse never gets better. It will only get worse over time.
If you are being abused, it is time to get out, stay out, establish no contact, and focus on recovery and healing. If you are finding it difficult to find yourself after an abusive relationship. Please see a health professional, either your doctor or a trained therapist, where you can work through what has happened to you.
Realise that you are NOT the person to help your abuser. You are the victim, and as such you are not in a position to help your abuser, even if you are qualified to do so. You are too close to the source. Even if your partner promises to change, or that they will work with you, do not be pulled back in by this. An abuser rarely changes whilst still with the victim.
On training that I did once, statistics showed (In the UK) that on average, someone who is being seriously abused, will attempt to leave ELEVEN times, before they actually get out of the relationship for good.
Get out. Stay out. Establish No Contact. See the truth. Set yourself free!
Is there anything in this list of abuse techniques, that you can think of, that I have missed out?
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
142 thoughts on “Sociopathic abuse”
One that came to mind for me was biting. Mine would do that if he didn’t get his way. Just like a child.
BTW thank you for all you do and may God continue to bless you.
Thank you, I will add that!! 🙂
Well, I have experienced emotional /verbal, financial and sexual abuse. It has messed with my mind horribly. Do these Soc’s get addicted to abusing you ? My ex used to tell me he was addicted to sex with me me . It was you who told me he was basically saying he was addicted to sexually abusing me.
I know. Its a horrible way of looking at it, I know Heather. Also crushing to realise that was what he was actually saying. Hopefully seeing the real truth to those words, will help to empower you to see what a sick man he was.
No doubt, he was making you feel ‘special’ by telling you that too. You are so much better off without him.
Is that why he would say it? It is awful he thought it was good to tell me I was the best at a certain type of sex. Yep he would actually say that.
He is a sick man heather 😦 Look at how you feel today, this is reflective of how he treated you.
The worst you feel the worst you know you were treated. I hope that this helps to remind you… to move forward not backwards!
I know the reality. I don’t feel as sad today over it . But the pain is gut wrenching at times. Would I go back ? I can tell you I feel different about him . As if he is an entirely different person than I knew. But I am willing to forgive him. At times. What does that mean? It confuses me .
It means you are seeing him in reality, In a real light. Rather than the light he chose to deceive you to believe in.
You are making your own choice. that you are forgiving him. The question you need to always ask yourself is will you allow him to abuse you again?
I don’t always feel forgiving towards him. But like I said there are times I do. Who would forgive someone for the awful things he has done? I think it might not be such a good thing to be forgiving. How would my ex use that to his advantage if he knew that and how would I react? Would I be so strong if he contacted me?
Well, you know – its unlikely that you are there, as you have recently split.
But forgiveness at the end of healing sets you free.Maybe you are just detaching from him. In a healthy way. Rather than feeling bitter. Bitterness keeps you attached.
There is nothing wrong with forgiveness as long as you keep a healthy dose of reality with it.
Yes it is very early. My friend was fearful when I told her I wasn’t so mad at him anymore. That was today. I may feel different tomorrow. I guess feeling any forgiveness towards him at this point is not a good thing. Kind of dangerous i feel. Does that make sense?
yes my soc wanted sex every day, then almost demanded it twice a day and made me feel abnormal for not wanting the pressure! I can see now this was abuse.
A Powerful post. Xx
Leaves me confused this.. and guilty.. because I started stalking/hacking my ex for the truth..
I did get it. and it was harsh.. but I know stalking is bad…
Yes, stalking/hacking makes the victim feel emotionally violated.
That is how I felt. Emotionally raped.
I was cheated on, lied to abused emotinally… But somewhere, somehow i needed to find the truth.. So I end up hacking him… Leaves me just as bad as him though, does it not?
How did it make you feel, when you had hacked him?
No swan, it doesn’t at all. You had completely different motives. He was doing it so he could control you. And manipulate you. You were doing it as a last resort to save your sanity. And even part of u (well in my case) was trying to be sure he was telling the truth… I.e. be sure he was not what my gut was screaming.
I think also what is different, is how you felt about what you did.
You felt bad, so in the future, this might prevent you from doing this again. As you felt bad.
The sociopath, feels no guilt, remorse or shame for their actions (although they might fake it for their own benefit), therefore this wouldn’t prevent them from doing it again.
They would therefore repeat the same behaviour over and over.
It is done is right…. his motive would be for control. Whilst yours were for different motives.
I felt great at the time, and I was relieved.. To finally know my instincts were right.. And even to finally see him for who he was, quite an eyeopener. Also finally know I was not a psycho who was insecure and making things up. He had me convinced of this. Yet at the same time there was some pleasure in having that control, and taking a bit of revenge on him if you can call it that. ( took all the proof I needed and sent it to his other ladies boyfriend) Also, it was becoming addictive… But it was just a phase, a time I needed to watch and see what he was, so I could let go.. But the only way to let go, was to let him know what i did… But then, of course, I was called a psycho stalker for that.
Did you hear back from the other ladies boyfriend? I would imagine that the sociopath would be hopping mad. Did he not go for revenge on you after he found out that you did that?
It became addictive for me as well! Although I found no concrete proof of infidelity, I found lies told, actions not matching words, and more red flags. He knew I checked his phone intermittently though.
It worries me for my next relationship.
Swan, don’t feel bad I actually caught my SP in the act. He was lying about what he was doing he stated that he was at his mother’s house. But I had that gut feeling so I did a drive-by when I went pass his mothers of course he wasn’t there. So. I went by his ex girlfriends house his truck was outside I try calling him of course he wouldn’t answer. So I knock on the door and the OW came to the door. I asked for him when he came to the door he had no emotions!!! NONE!!!! But I had to see for myself , because all he would have done was lied!!! I wanted us to lock eyes!!!!! But, I knew it was over and realization set in!!!! I wasn’t clouded anymore!!!
@positivegirl He had everyone convinced I was a Psycho, and the other woman’s boyfriend did apparently believe her or forgave her. Mine was furious at me, at how horrible a person I was for being capable of almost ruining her life… I suppose how they ruined mine did not count!
@it is done. I guess the feeling of getting control back of our lives is what can make it seem addictive. Maybe that is exactly where we need to be, in control of our lives before we let anyone else in. Then maybe that need ( to check on them) will no longer be there
I think there is truth to what u say 🙂
Ah, I thought that would be the response. The sociopath LOVES if he has ANYTHING on you, that way even though HE was the one who cheated and YOU were the victim. he managed to turn it around, blame you LOOK at what she has done, can you see how psycho she is? In fact he would let that girl go, just to prove that point….. It is like they are all the same person. The reactions are so predictable and the same.
Yes, it is scary.. No matter what I did, I was always the one at fault.. I was the one lied to and cheated on, to start with… Wont even get into how i was treated after I gave him a second chance… and he ends up the victim.. No matter how badly I was treated.
Its been a month since I left him, one week no contact, and slowly, but surely, I am feeling a little bit saner everyday. For the first time in two years!
And ps, thank your for all your help i have gotten from this blog through the past year 😉
I did the same as you. And I am not a stalker nor hacker. For three years while we were together I had all the opportunities to hack him or stalk him but I never did any of that because I was normally loving him and it would never cross my mind… until I really needed to know what was it … It was such a shock to see the real him, behind the facade. But, as they say, the most valuable thing is … the information. And I see it like that. I needed it for my own sanity and survival. After I felt that it would be really over only after I expose his dirty secrets to his unsuspecting friends/flirts/family… and it is so… I feel that I shared the burden of knowing what a sicko he is with the people that know him. And my conscience is clear, the exposure could only do him good after all, maybe it will make him think about himself a bit. I hope it will. I actually, despite everything, don’t want him any harm, I still wish him good, I wish he could stop being the deceiver and a pervert, I wish that he becomes honest, decent man that he only pretends to be.
P.S. I don’t feel I intruded his ‘privacy’. We all have right to the truth. It is our human right. Sometimes insights like this can save your life!
don’t worry, i ended up having to do quite a bit of detective work to finally wake up to the fact that i was being pathologically lied to and cheated on. i wanted to believe it was just my own paranoia, i really did. he swore up and down he wasn’t cheating – but of course he was, many, many times over. in the end i was made out to be the crazy person for discovering the truth. so predictable. they’re always the victim despite their despicable, dishonest, abusive behavior. was very painful at first but feels so good to be free of the lies and deception. it keeps you on the edge of sanity, to the point of almost going bat shit crazy – and i think this was a tactic my SP used to keep me under his thumb… and probably also a way for him to avoid the discard, as he needed me to support him in various ways. second guessing yourself, questioning your own sanity, but instinctively knowing they are up to no good, is no way to live. in fact, it feels more like dying… on the inside.
I was abuse in all categories, I know that I’m healing because I can tell others that I was in an abusive marriage/relationship. I don’t feel bad because I know that I’m not alone and that a large percent of people have been or are being abuse! I feel great!! I was in denial at first when everything was happening, being discarded, but I realize what has happen to me. Over 3 months of no contact!!!! I’m getting my happy back!!!! 🙂 loving it!!!!!
This is so good to hear Kay. I think that it takes a lot to be able to say ‘I was in an abusive relationship’ as you are made to feel such a sense of shame, or are in denial… glad to hear you are making good recovery. Go you!!
Love the “getting my happy back” feeling 😉
It is a fact, not every abuser is a sociopath, but every sociopath is an abuser.
I had to deal with every kind of abuse from my ex, the latest was physical abuse…the truth is that the most difficult to deal was the emotional abuse, those get me “invisible” scars that made me feel also invisible. I never thought that I’ll experience these kind of abuse and remain on it for more than three years…I was blindfolded. 8-\
Great comment, and so true. Often what starts as controlling behaviour or covert abuse – later turns to overt abuse.
This link does not open : (
“The truth will always prevail” – Unknown
I have recovered it now. No idea how that happened, but it went to the trash folder?
I love this post, I can feel a lot of emotions rise while I was reading for myself, which tells me I still have to work on me. As far as HIM. I believe there comes a point where you are sooo sick of the lies and evilness, you don’t care to see what they are doing, don’t care if you see them in public, alone or otherwise. If at all possible could we never acknowledge knowing anyone so despicable! I still get, “EWW, THATS YOUR EX-HUSBAND”! (Yes, hang my head in shame, lol)! Because just as they have done everything in their power to destroy us, we have in turn become completely indestructible, not by choice, simply by default. It’s all a cycle I think of grieving, leaving, defense and recovery with these horrid people. Some people move through quicker or slower than others. Just my thoughts.
Oh my. I was thinking about that just now. The socio made me forget about my needs and wants. It was an emotional abuse that I could not see. I was going slowly insane, and the soc was enjoying see me go mad. The moment I started following the no contact rule, I began to be free of the soc. Fogs of confusion is cleared now. I can see my wounds. I am beginning to heal. 🙂
I am three weeks post breakup and no contact with my ex. It kills me that he hasn’t reached out based on the love he portrayed to have for me. I know is best but it hurts so so much. I don’t feel anger towards him, I feel pity, sadness, and forgiveness towards him because he is so messed up. Is this normal? I should be angry and I wish I was! after the horrible things he’s done and said, but I just can’t get angry at him. A part of me still loves him deeply, I fear ill never love this way again. We were living with each other and spoke about getting married. So for him to just let me go and not reach out after I left our apartment, hurts.
Hi Ashely, yes how you feel now is normal. You sound like you are describing being in the first stage of healing and recovery – denial.
This post explains
also this post
i finally can excapt to see who he is i feel good with myself now, it,s now 4 months without contact feeling myself again feeling happy again etc.. this site helps so much to read everyones story and to share where we are..i can forgive him now cause i see how sad it is to be a sp and what a lonely empty fake life these people have to live to survive. i am so happy i am a real person with feelings and colours and real friends.its a beautifull world cause we are in it 🙂
for the rest looking back to what i have done , i was also hacking and checking his emails phone and facebook to have answerst that my intuition was saying there was really something not right, and i got proof and yes like what i read in all the other story,s he was callning me a stalker , paranoide even still ignoring what i had as prove, i was the bad one in his eyes and not knowing about respecting someones personal space!???
i know he was talking about hisself
since he got no respect for my personal space cause of just using my energy and other peoples energy to fill his own empty life..
i don,t feel bad that i have been checking cause i needed answers
that my intuition was right.
i see my trust in people is now kinda damaged but i get it back more and more
and my trust in myself and in life is much more back as it never was before
😀 there is a beautifull joyfull colourfull life after all of this.
Well I was 3 months into no contact.. This was due to my soc sleeping with his ex in the tent right next to me.. I was expected to carry on with him as normal and even though I was gentle and firm in my responses to him.. He was losing his ‘source’ and when his seducing didn’t get him results, his mask slipped and I had to smile even though I was hurting, when he called me a drama queen for no longer wanting to see him!
…. The smearing began but I’d already become distant from mutual friends.
Interestingly, he’d made comments in the past that I had Stockholm Syndrome as I would always shine a light on his positive qualities.
I remember feeling abit disturbed when I looked up the meaning… But thought he was joking.
There was no ‘real’ relationship… It was purely sex… But.. And this was my weakness… It was very very very hot sex.
I reasoned and made excuses that I was his secret, despite us both being single.
Just the simple act of writing this.. Makes me cringe… I really did lose myself.
…. And yes… I fell for his apology and instead of paying heed to the fact he was out of other ‘sources’ … I’m ashamed to say I fell for his seducing again. He even did me some compilations of music… All lovey but I knew deep down that it was just to dupe me again to enable him to feel in control.
Brilliantly he had put ‘mirrors’ on there by Justin Timberlake. A shiver ran through me as it played and he sang along… I remembered your piece about how they mirror and show us what we want to see…
The gaming happened immediately this time and although he suggested coming to see me again the following night… He waited to just after 11pm to text me saying that he was sorry for not coming and wasn’t really feeling it!
It was your site here that gave me the knowledge and a quiet strength to just not be at all surprised…
Hmmmm…. I may have undone all my hard work for one night of shallow passion but at least I’m able to see how predictable his behaviour is… And thankfully I’m not in pain… Just quite disappointed in myself but resolute to keep myself safe and strong and build up that obviously flagging self esteem.
Thank you for your precious knowledge that you share here and love to all you brave, courageous beautiful souls. May you all grow into the strong and empowered warriors and warrioress’s that you truly are!
This was a very helpful post. It took me 8 times before the relationship ended..ofcourse on the soc’s terms……
I was abused in every facet except for physical. Although that was coming. A few weeks before we ends for the third time, he told me ” one good squeeze and I could squeeze all of the air out of you.” Why did it not even frighten me?
Thousands to dollars and awful abuse. Been apart for 4 weeks , and I have broken no contact 3 times . He has ignored me. It has happened in our past break ups. He always just pops up with an apology, and I have been his source for demeaning sex and financial needs being met . Yesterday I felt strong. No tears. I actually felt some fake forgiveness. Today all though he doesn’t seem like the same person I knew, bc he was fake! I feel sadness , tears and betrayal. I worked so hard and did not much for him. I have no idea if or when he is coming back I would expect he would as I have been a source for two years…BUT…I feel weak today. I will not break no contact. But I am not at a good point with this today. Just being honest. Hugs to all of you and I am so thankful for this site!!
Try to leave 11 times before ending the relationship. Thanks for posting this statistic, I don’t feel so bad now. Great site and I very strongly agree that you should seek trained professional help to understand what sociopathy is. I would never have know except for my God sent therapist saying that I was discribing a person who maybe a sociopath. I had no clue. After her comment I devoured every book and web site I could get my hands on to confirm what she suggested. There is no question that information is key to understanding there is no fix. It will not get better and the only options are stay in a dysfunctional relationship or get your life back and seperate for good from the predator. Thanks again for taking the time to write this blog you are changing lives for the better.
There are some subtle forms of abuse that you haven’t included, which is understandable. A victim who is in denial or who doesn’t want to believe their charming sociopath could be abusive will surely explain these actions away or blame themselves.
Being a “cheapskate”, refusing to spend money on basic things and making the victim feel guilty for wanting them and unworthy of having them. Claiming not to be able to afford to do or buy things with or for the victim, but when the sociopath wants something, no matter how frivolous, suddenly money’s no object. Sometimes the victim feels obligated to pay for the item on their own, other times they just do without and feel like they’re not good enough for whatever the cheapskate refuses to buy. It could be anything: a grocery item, a meal out, clothing, cards and presents. Either way the cheapskate is controlling the victim financially and emotionally. I’ve had two exes who behaved this way. Both had lots of money in the bank but refused to spend it on me. My last ex even refused to buy me cards at special occasions, claiming they were a waste of money. However, he’d buy cards for relatives. He was too cheap to buy me red roses at valentine’s and instead bought me a few odd-coloured roses because they were cheaper.
“Rescuing” the victim financially: lending or giving the victim money for an emergency or basic need. Victim thinks the rescuer is doing them a favour but they’re really being manipulated emotionally and financially. Victim is then harassed for the money back; a gift of money suddenly becomes a loan or vice versa (gaslighting) or the victim is continually reminded of the loan/gift to make them feel unworthy or incapable of handling their own finances. Victim is made to feel incompetent and dependent on the rescuer.
An important facet of physical abuse that always leads to worse violence is threatening behaviour. Here are some examples:
Stink-eye (angry and threatening facial expressions, clenched/bared teeth)
Shaking fists, fingers, hands, objects, directly in front of the victim’s face
Grabbing the victim by the arms, hands, clothing – often causing torn clothing or bruises which the sociopath either refuses to take responsibility for, or brushes off as insignificant and “it was an accident”
Shaking the victim
Poking the victim with fingers or other objects
Pushing their face into the victim’s face, usually nose-to-nose
Shouting or cursing directly into the victim’s face, usually while staring into their eyes
Any of the above threatening behaviours should be taken just as seriously as any other form of physical abuse – physically get out of the situation as soon as you can. If you ignore or write them off, they WILL escalate to more serious violence!
What a fantastic list, thank you Catti I will try to update later!!! 🙂
What about how they damage your belongings and their things! For example my SP got so mad that he threw his fancy watch down on the dresser that it fell on the floor and it broke! Or when he charged at me and my son and took the front door off the hinges. He grabbed my wrist so hard that my gold bracelet broke. I always made excuses for him. All I can do now is shake my head and come to the realization that I was in an abusive relationship!!!
Yes. I had this financial abuse as well. All the time in fact. Except the beginning when he was boasting how rich he was.
Boasting about their richness or how smart they are with money is common. I’ve learned that the ones who brag the most about being rich are the ones who will spend the least amount of money on you! Or they will splash some around during the “seduction” phase, then as soon as they have you hooked, the money runs dry.
My ex used to brag endlessly about being a financial advisor even though he had been driving a school bus part time for the past 5 years. When I caught him online chasing other women he’d always brag to them about the financial advisor job he’d had years ago, and not tell them he drove a school bus until he had them hooked as well.
It is so ironic yours is a school bus driver part time. So is mine . He was quite the oposite when we met. He was unemployed and made me feel bad for him as he told me some girls did not want to date him because he was unemployed . He proudly goes to food pantries, which I believe is for needy families. Meanwhile I constantly had to listen to him complain how he couldn’t pay his bills on his part time salary as a a school bus driver . He owes me $6000.00 which I will never see I know.
Ugh just that comment alone is SO manipulative.
Play victim…. some girls didn’t want to date me because I was unemployed…..
First check assessment – how would she be? How kind is she? ….
You think…. how horrible for someone to be like that, i wouldn’t treat you that way.
Your lured into the sociopath game.
My ex did that went to places for free food. I gave him bedding after he stole from me and became homeless…. he still had same bedding over a year later. And never bought anything for his home at all. Was most bizarre.
he complained that he couldn’t pay his bills on his part time salary so you would pay them for him (he had already assessed you -when he told you other girls didn’t want to date him becasue he was unemployed – and you did)….
It was all words, all part of the con.
Every month it became my problem that he couldn’t pay all of his bills. He had more bills then he made. God I was so good to him, I put him before myself and I suffer this day because of it. He never cares or pretends to care until he needs from me again. I gave so much it myself in everyway. Yes, I felt sorry for him, I used to tell him life will get better. Meanwhile he was mad at the world
Mine didn’t go to food pantries – he gets loads of income besides the bus driving gig. But he was always crying “poor” whenever I wanted to do little things. Example: He bragged about the lovely rooftop deck he has on his (paid off) condo, but during the four years I was with him refused to put any plants there or spend time there during the summer. The deck was littered with trash and empty plant pots, and he had tons of pics of family barbecues he had hosted in previous years, but he claimed to not be able to afford any plants for the deck. I ended up cleaning up the dead plants and empty pots and buying plants for it myself, still he refused to set foot up there. As soon as I left him (last May) he immediately went out and bought a ton of plants and started spending time up there again on his own.
He has loads of money. His father was a doctor and died recently, left him another condo (he rents it out) and a pile of money, expensive watches and clothing etc. His mother sold a family property in Italy and divided the money between the three kids, ex got about $60K. Plus he collects a huge pension from his late wife – the wife who left him because he beat her and cheated on her while she was dying of cancer. Her family took him to court to try to get the pension, since they were separated when she died. But because they weren’t divorced and she didn’t have a will, the pension automatically went to him. So it’s like he’s getting paid for abusing a poor dying woman. Meanwhile he rants and raves about what a bitch she was because she took her wedding rings when she left. Typical sociopath! To think I wanted to marry him!
I know i wanted to marry mine too. Somedays he would say we would get married one day, others he told me I wanted to much from him and then others he would tell me he hated relationships. It made me so confused and crazy.
Yeah right from the start of dating I made it clear that marriage was my eventual goal, so of course Soc mirrored that back to me. He had previously been married, so I thought he’d be willing to marry me as well if things worked out. It wasn’t until the end that I realized that the only reason he married before was for the financial gain, her pension. She had a government job for years before she met him, and still qualified for the pension. He told me she was diagnosed with late-stage cancer shortly after they married. I am guessing she was ill *before* they married, and he knew she’d make a fine meal ticket. Of course he told me an entirely different tale about her, but I eventually pieced things together by snooping among some papers of his.
Catty – what a monster he is! That’s disgusting about his late wife!
You don’t know the half of it! What he told me about her vs. the truth is a pretty shocking story, not to mention some of the stuff he did to her while she was ill. Yet he told a big sob story about his “loss” to gain my sympathy when I first met him. Then he compared her to me constantly and actually made me jealous of her and her memory, as a way to manipulate me and emotionally suck me in.
They are all the same. My ex started off how psycho she was and useless but by the end of it, he had me competing with her and saying I was just like her! A-holes!
But doing it to someone with a terminal disease is atrocious. I’m so sorry.
😦 that is so sick. What is with them and focusing on sickness and terminal illness, lots of them do it. Loads fake cancer either of them or someone close to them. It sounds awful to say it catti but do you know that she actually died? (I know that sounds terrible but i went through months that my ex daughters mother was dying of cancer, and it was almost)…. it was horrible. I was stunned – that he had just made it up.
@ positivagirl – Yes I know that she died because he kept a copy of her obituary on the desktop of his laptop like a badge of martyrdom (his, not hers). He would literally cry to me because her obit was under her maiden name and didn’t mention him, he was excluded from all funeral arrangements and not told where she was buried. He painted himself as the poor saintly grieving widower, and her family as the mean bastards who “took her away” and excluded him from being with her when she died. Later I found out the truth, that she left him after he beat her (likely for the umpteenth time) and she called the cops. He was thrown in jail overnight and placed under a restraining order for 2 months, not allowed in his own house. She left him and went back to her family during that time. He claimed he never laid a hand on her, that her nasty old family (6 hours drive away) had called the cops and falsely accused him of beating her.
He sounds very similar (not the beating) although he had started with the slapping when we split, to my ex. In terms of the incredible lies. I see him in some of the descriptions that you tell. He was incredibly controlling and would do threats. Not really violent. But towards the end it got physical and I had to get out. When you talk of the things that they did, it really is quite unbelievable. But I believe it. One of the last times we were together he finally got me to go to his families house. I had never met them in two years. He wanted sex in his mothers bed, when I said no, he suddenly started shouting obscenities at me, to make it sound like we were having a fight. Out of nowhere just yelling like I had done something. This was all for the benefit of his brother who was sleeping next door. To back up his lies. He slapped me, I slapped him back, then he started screaming – you hit me you hit me I am going to call the police. I couldn’t believe it. Then he continued yelling slapped me twice more. His mother came home and he switched it off, just like that after hours being like a psycho. Nothing. Told me to go to sleep. In the morning – he went to the bathroom, scratched his face a few times to make it look like i had beat him, told everyone I had broken his nose. Honestly, they are unbelieveable. 😦 how he set me up, right in front of me. Stunned me.
When he told me that his ex was dying of cancer…. he would sob, weep, wail, almost flailing on the floor. It was terrible really upsetting. he did it for months. It was all a lie. She had had cancer – many years earlier, but nothing right then. He just made it up. He had real tears too. His ex said that when she did have cancer for real and she was scared that she was going to die, she asked him would she look after his daughter if she did die. He said no!!
My ex used to try and make me jealous of the love he had for his ex wife. Then at other times he would refer to her as “dirt ” or a “hooker.” He called females hookers a lot actually. Then he told me about this long distance relationship he had with someone and how great it was, only it ended. I a asked him why? He said they just drifted apart. But it was so great? Also he said that every relationship he ever had the women broke up with him. I wonder why…correlation here? Also I was the longest relationship since his divorce..I believe that..not many would put up with him. BUT what would get me SO angry is he used to say he felt sorry for my ex husband that I had to be horrible to be married to.
I went through this too. He made out that he had a great job, with a great income. He faked that he owned a house, it was paid in cash outright, but he had left this for his daughter for when she grew up (what a great guy he was).
Truth was he didn’t own a house. Neither did he have a job (at all) he would fake that he was going to work, guy was picking him up at the end of the road…. he would even leave the house early every day faking to go to work. But there was no job. The con was to live off of me for as long as he could. Truth was he was unemployed. I ended up in so much debt.
@ cattipat, you have an excellent point. I had totally forgotten about being the financial king/queen. No you may not have a soda, but oh you need help with your rent, I’ll pay it for you. Then they throw it in your face, aww the memories.
I remember my ex used to just push me. For any little thing .. he’d just push me. Sometimes i fall or sometimes the sofa, or the bed or something would break the fall. But the odd thing is, each time he did it he would laugh and pretend its a joke. I used to scream at him I’M A GIRL!! you cant do that. but next week he’d do it again. And if it wasn’t a push or a shove it would be a light squeezing of the neck. Then he’d smile. The funny thing is if any of my friends or family told me that this happened to them i would have told them that it’s abuse and they need to leave but i didn’t even see it as abuse while i was going through it. Oh my God …. he did so many mean things to me.I cant even begin to write it here. It would fill a sad, pathetic book. My body (physically, sexually), my emotions, my psyche, my heart, every part of me was abused … And i took it. I stayed. And when i saw him ignoring me, instead of embracing the voice that said “girl just let him goooooo”. I called and begged him to come see me. Cuz i wanted to aplogise to him for hurting me.
You can add another abusive action. My ex would hold me down forceably on the bed and then with his mouth right at my ear he would yell as loud as he could. Being a cop, he knew not to leave any marks.
That is horrible Olive 😦
I am sorry I have to go here, misuse of power and command presence. I am so so sorry, you had to live this.
I’ve observed that in positions of authority such as lawyers, judges, cops, security guards, military, firefighters, politicians – there seems to be a high percentage of abusers and sociopaths. The ones who are trained to assert physical authority are very inventive in using that training when abusing their family at home. I suspect your ex’s training may have included being forced to endure being yelled at in his ear by a superior officer.
I understand that you wanted him to apologize for hurting you. I want that too so bad . Third break up with my ex. Been broken up 4 weeks, I have broken NC telling him how hurt I am. He hasn’t replied. That’s how he operates, until he is ready to come back and needs sex or money. Then he apologizes for his needs to be met.
Sounds like my ex. Now be the winner… Cut him off & look after you!!!!
Another one which was done to me by a long-ago ex was sleep deprivation. If I did something he didn’t like he’d wait until bedtime to pick a fight about it. Or, we’d go to bed and he’d start shoving or hitting me for no apparent reason, then tell me what I’d done to anger him and start a fight. Another tactic was placing a fan at the head of the bed, pointing straight at my face, to prevent me from sleeping – or he’d leave the light on and refuse to let me turn it off. He used sleep deprivation both as a punishment and as a way to force me to do something (like have sex).
Spot on with the above. I do t know if anyone else has experienced this but, weirdly, I have just started to see people as they really are. I was with my sp for 12 years and left after he became physically abusive as well as emotionally. But recently it is as if scales have dropped from my eyes and I can really see things as I used to. Has anyone else experienced this? It is as if everything is adjusting and as you begin to think for yourself everything becomes clear. The trouble is, this sounds like the rantings of some unstable person, exactly as my ex-sp is putting about now. I have followed this site since I fell across it early this year and what lifesaver. I can’t say thank you enough.
yes. it sounds odd, but since blocking my ex spath from my life, i feel like i am slowly starting to be able to see the abuse & insanity i was accepting and living with. i couldn’t see it at all before! or i thought i was overreacting and would blame myself for having too high expectations. maybe this isn’t exactly what you are referring to, but i was totally blind to the abuse and thought i just needed to not be so picky and try harder to see the best in him. the clarity is pretty painful for me right now, but it’s better than being lost in a fog.
Do you know how I found it, when you start to see clearly, it is like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, when she steps out of the house into the world full of colour. From black and white and colour…..
Then you start to see clearly (because your mind isn’t being manipulated anymore). i am sorry you are hurting. The truth is painful to bear, but it is better than being deluded. It is strange how they can manipulate your mind. You do not have time to think for yourself, as you are constantly dealing with them and their drama. To have a sociopath in your life is really a 24/7 work excercise (I found) never knowing what is coming next. Pain doesn’t last forever. Once you have been that hurt, and see the truth and the light, you wont miss it again.
How about using your family & friends to encourage you back to them?
What do you mean? Manipulating your family
He manipulated my mum into believing he was innocent or just in a bad place to help win me back. I remember I once told him he was a pennyless idiot & he told my mum. She went mad at me!! I’m 32!!!!! It was using guilt… I felt guilty then & took him back after he’d asked out another girl!
Speaking of manipulating the family: Sociopaths are pretty good at insinuating themselves in the victim’s family especially if the family are dysfunctional or abusive. A previous ex of mine ingratiated himself to my parents despite the way he was treating me. His abuse finally escalated to kidnapping our 2 year old daughter and then trying to murder me. He locked himself in a bedroom with our daughter and threatened to kill her if we called the cops. I called my mother for advice and was told “you’re the one who provoked him, you made your bed and now you can lie in it.” After the murder attempt, he was in jail and on a court order to have no contact with me or our child. We moved so he wouldn’t know where to find us when he got out. My parents visited him in jail, took care packages for him, and told him where to find us when he got out. I ended up homeless in a women’s shelter. My parents could visit him while he was in jail but I didn’t get so much as a phone call while in the shelter. Needless to say my parents were pretty abusive themselves.
They will manipulate everyone they can its what they do. They are concerned with there image or facade. They will ask you not to tell anyone if you have uncovered there miss deeds. You may be tempted to try and let people know about your sociopath but do not waste your time. Move on with your life and hold no grudge Forgive and forget is a good policy. Wishing the best to all of you.
Great advice Peter!! 🙂
I am a victim of severe fonancial abuse from my ex-husband ( literally, the whole list) but I never considered him a sociopath.
Am I wrong?
Do you mean you never considered him a sociopath when with him iinfinity or now?
I didn’t yet know about sociopathy when I was married, so, no. But since then I had a sociopath so far worse I don’t know if my husband qualifies. Financial abuse was his only abuse.
Brilliant and very truthful post. I was emotionally and financially abused… but you can’t put a price on freedom. Thanks PG x
i experienced emotional & financial abuse for 10 years . . . but i am free now! great post, thanks.
I am new here, but with four years of being with my ex.soc, I feel very very old. I have suffered no less than 25 of the above mentioned forms of abuse. I don’t know why I allowed myself to stay with him. I am sickened by my lack of self-respect. But today,, I had to just say something….We all believe,,,we are Their #1… We all know…something is wrong… We all overlook every frigging wrong look, comment, action, lie and betrayl that they do because… We Love Him.
My Love, thought that biting me was his way of showing me just how much he cared. The scars will never go away…. Those are my badges of honor, to remind me how sick he is…. I can not forget anything that he did… But… I will try…to never allow him to HURT me again.
To all of US…Don’t let anyone hurt you again.
Hi Ophelia. Welcome to the site!! 🙂 I am sorry that you have been through so much abuse. Are you still with him?
I’m a man who was involved with a sociopath for 5 years. I was mirrored in the beginning in every aspect of my life. I was literally crazy in the end. Gaslighting, manipulations, silent treatments, infidelity and everything else. I always new something was wrong. Meeting someone and being soulmates and inseperable until one day the mask came off and I never saw anything like it before. She then began to mirror her new victim, changing slang, style, hair ect… I never saw or spoke to the girl I was with all those years again. This was someone i spent everyday for five years bonding too in every way with romance, friendship and the best experiences…i always called her a robot. She always mimicked my emotions and my gestures. The most coldest heartless evil woman I ever new I was addicted too like a drug. She even told me when I tried going back I was addicted like on heroin… I was devalued to a point and stricken with guilt so bad I almost took my
life. If I had never found this site to answer my questions and open my eyes I’m not sure what would of happened. Most people will never understand the true definition of evil or sociopaths. I spent 8 months after that last day confused, crazy, sick and having mental issues I couldn’t understand or deal with… just wanted to say thank you for giving me answers. I think you helped save my life!
Welcome to the site Josh, and thank you!!
Am pleased that the site has helped you!! 🙂
17 days no contact. Suddenly I cant sleep? Im not sure if its from financial worry’s,the discard,future worries,losing my apartment,hoping a potential job prospect doesn’t find out I have MS…etc. I have never not been able to sleep in my life. Its a trip. And the distance and what I am remembering about the 4 years with the spath,is taking a toll on my mind. ugh! this isn’t fun. But I do prefer it over going through another 5 minutes with that thing of a man.
I think that lack of sleep is common as anxiety can cause you to not sleep. You lie there and things go over in your mind. Try not to worry (its easier said I know) — instead…. visualise what you want. Write it down. Go wild go to town. You write down what you want (cant be people) but anything else. Don’t worry if you think it is out of your reach – get some positivity there for you. Remember what healing that there can be in the calm of peace….. you will get through this. One day you will look back and think dear god, I am so glad I wasn’t stuck with this one 🙂
my worry is about the financial abuse and job loss,and if I can keep my apartment and if not,where will I go? Today I am sad and angry. Im overwhelmed about the finances……Tomorrow is my x fiancé/spaths bday. He has not a care in the world,and Ive lost 15 lbs,cant sleep,am constantly worried about what I am going to do next…he has bailed on me before,but I still had my job of 11 years. This is so overwhelming to worry about finances,the minf**ck post spath…I feel like Im gonna collapse from worry and dehydration and exhaustion….I cant do this. I don’t know what to do. 2 many memories in this apartment,2 small of a town to not run into him,I want to leave,I don’t know where to go….how does this get better? Im 45 years old for shitsake,I don’t have a lot of resilience left after the past 4 years and the job loss. I pray. Gosh I pray. its not helping. I need a friend. I need someone to have my back.
Hey you, I am the same age. I lost my job too!! I also almost lost my home (that came close as he faked jobs, lied to me and stole from me) You can do this!!! You really can!!! We are all there, some of us in different stages of recovery. You are not alone – we will get through this together 🙂 I went through it for four years too. I am 45 – you can do this. I promise you can.
how did you hold onto your house? and why did you lose your job. Its so weird the amount of women that lose their job,while with a spath,even when the spath is a functioning,hard working spath. Im working on getting a new job,but was out of work from my last employer on std/ltd for a bad MS flare up. I wont go back to that job….they wanted me long gone for a year…Nurses aren’t aloud to be sick. So,my anxiety at night is….Not disclosing the ms to this new job,them not finding out I was out on ltd,and what will my former employer say? So many roadblocks to rebuilding my life. Its hard,overwhelming,lonely,I didn’t ask for MS,and Im not debilitated by no means. The std/ltd/the spath walking out on you during this period,and the SYSTEM of std/ltd is something I am gathering someone has to go threw,in order to understand…Just like no one understands why you are so out of your head after dating a spath. So lonely.
I am sorry that you are feeling so lonely. Don’t you think that it is lonely being with a sociopath? You aren’t allowed to have friends, all that happens in your life is constantly picking up the pieces of drama that they create. When you are on your own, you know that you can rebuild your life for YOU.
Don’t punish yourself. Do nice things for YOU. Create a nice space, get nice food in treat yourself well…. I know that there are roadblocks but these are challenges…. and you can over come them.
Don’t let fear hold you back. They are unable to discriminate against you for having MS if you were in your last job for 11 years you can hold down a job!!
honestly. I was less lonely with the spath. And let me tell ya. Just cuz they say its illegal to discriminate against ms,in the states,thats hogwash, Its a right to hire/fire state. My job pulled a smooth one…they would not fire me…I still have attny’s telling me to file a lawsuit. I don’t have the energy for that. Fear is not holding me back….roadblocks are. And,ltd check gone,used it to pay cobra and rent,electric,etc….So no,im more lonely. He would help,naturally he would throw it in my face…but no,Im way more lonely. WAY MORE. I was never a woman that needed to be around him 24/7…and as I said,he was helpful…but there was a price. Have you ever seen the movie LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS? I was a project for him…..than he bailed..he was constanly leaving,but I had a job, I am not superwoman,my resilience is running low,jobs aren’t hiring me,and I know its cuz after they do the intense background check,they see im on ltd,and lets face it….Who wants a nurse that has MS,and her employer,made her go out on std….highly illegal. but unless one has 5gs o get an attorney…your screwed. This all to overwhelming for me. I will not be homeless,I will do myself in before that happens. Im running out of steam. I have no routine, I had a routine when I met him and even after I lost my job. But the guy was supposed to clean the carpets one day,went golfing instead came home,and was gone the next. I get 20 calls a day from medical bill collecters. this is to much. My strength is tapped out.
I know how you feel. I also liked (quite often) socio being around in my life. The good was good. It is the bad that is unacceptable. With the bad there is a lack of conscience and they are capable of ANYTHING…..
That is the problem. Do you know what this is – you have been reliant on him. remember that I said that they deliberately create dependency and addiction to them? By being kind helpful etc….
So that when they leave, you think that you cannot cope, or function without them. You miss them. Of course you do. But what they were doing, was a strategy to get whatever they wanted.
YOu are so right Pos, my ex soc’s ex wife was so dependent on him that she didn’t even know how to pay bills, get the internet put on in her new house, when the car registration came in she gave it to him to pay as didn’t even know what it was. He told me he even used to do the grocery shopping… he told me it was because she was so useless and would come home with all bad food because she was so dumb and psycho.. more like he was completely controlling her! funny how just before we broke up, he was friends with her and thought she was attractive – What?!? he had said nothing but abuse about her for almost 2 years and then suddenly she was my competition? Douchebag!
They love someone that they can manipulate. The more plyable someone is to manipulation the better that they are.
This is the trademark of a socio – they will control you through kindness as well….doing everything for you so that you become absolutely dependent on them and are unable to function. I guess this is the best type – its better than the narc type but it can really confuse the senses. After the relationship ends, you can have serious false memory syndrome – remembering just all the good that they have done.
Of course – to the outside world too, the socio did everything and the victim was useless, lazy did nothing, was lacking in energy ….
Its a clever trick. It works.
How are you anyway? I hope that hospital went well for you, you have been in my thoughts. I guess its the waiting game.
I think that is one reason why he ended up leaving me, was because I wouldn’t be manipulated past a certain extent easily and had started pushing back. I remember him looking at the kitchen floor with disgust as it was dirty, i used to clean it all the time but hadn’t done it for a while. He made some snide comment about it and I turned around and said something like “well why don’t you get down on your knees and clean it!” the look on his face was a mixture of shock and anger. Yes, he definitely didn’t like that I was not as maleable as she was… apart from their girls, I am sure that is why he keeps her around and hanging on and not me. I do feel sorry for her though. I hope one day she wakes up if for no other reason other than the girls.
I am doing great!!! i feel fantastic. I still havent started looking for a job but i’m just going with it for now. I actually feel the most relaxed I have felt since before i met the ex soc. Weird hey? The transfer all went well. As you said, just a waiting game now… I should know by the 23rd! Thanks for thinking of me 🙂 Will let you know. I am not expecting it to be positive, not that i am being negative here, but i recently started reading up on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) for aged fertility and I have a lot not right. I have now given up alcohol and coffee (ouch) and have adjusted my diet… if I don’t fall pregnant this time I will go to a TCM doctor and get the medicine and acupuncture to back up the changed diet. Funny, i always thought that i was pretty healthy, and I guess I am compared to mainstream society, however, I have taken it to a new level! Feeling good for it too… although I am really missing a coffee today and on Christmas day i may splurge on a glass of wine 🙂
How are you going?
oh and also in regard to the ex soc being controlling, he obviously had quite a lot of control still over me because I obviously had this false memory syndrome! It has taken me a good amount of time to remember the bad over the good, the manipulation was incredible. I have been working with my counsellor on the similarities between my ex soc and the way my dad and family treated me after my mum died (and still do). The soc at first must have thought that I was the perfect catch as I allowed them to treat me like shit and kept going back for more. Yet what he found underneath was someone that was strong as steel and not as malleable as he needed to get complete control. Ha! Glad he didn’t get what he wanted and that he read me wrong! No wonder I never heard from him again. He really realised that he was not going to win – ever – so he ran for the hills. That makes me feel good 🙂
You might WANT him. But you don’t NEED him…. that is just your mind playing tricks!!
my x,was supposed to attend some fancy charity event….he wrote an email apologizing for not attending because I was sick,ya know,with the ms. I was not sick. He exploited my ms! countless times! Ad here I sit. broke,my long term disability attny called me and told me this new job I am trying for,will do a heavy background check and find out I am on ltd….I cant even try to rebuild my life…….this is a mess! This is the worst thing ive ever been through. EVER! One time,he took a list of symptoms of MS to his job,to show people? it was like he was showing people what HE had to go through and what a great guy he was for dating/being engaged to someone with MS. I would love him to feel this poor,broken down,panicked feeling for 1 week. He wouldn’t make it,as he has mentioned before…if he were in my shoes,he would get a gun. It was never…we are in this together. Im tired of this world.
Whatever talents and skills that you have that are marketable in the formal workplace are just as marketable by you independently. You don’t have to figure this out today so, breathe. But I ask you to do one thing… begin to think (just consider) how your capabilities, strengths and talents can be purposed, for money, by you… from home. Just consider it, okay? Like, when you’re thinking about that no-good soc in a spare moment that he creeps in? Change that thinking to your skills for me, and just begin to ponder what you might start doing from home.
oh scarlett,im to worried about keeping a roof over my head and electric on to BREATHE. I have to survive. I am in no way on the pyramid of MASLOWS right now. This is real. Ive no family support. Just me. I don’t have time to Breathe. I am so scared financially,I cant think straight. I cant eat. Ive not been thinking about the spath as much as Ive been thinking bout how I am going to live,eat,shelter,etc…..its a mess. Went threw my 401k when I lost my job. Its not uncommon,for people in my shoes,with MS,to end up homeless. And I didn’t put myself through nursing school,bust my ass,to end up homeless,I will take myself down if that happens. who wouldn’t? Im tired. Im so tired from worry about shelter,food,copays,700 bucks a month for cobra,electric,etc….how did I get here? Why? Is there a god? where is he?
Bobbie, I’ve read your posts for many days and you still seem pretty panicky. Don’t assume I haven’t been in your shoes, with or without MS. If that’s your position, you really just have to move from one issue to the next. I don’t know how you come to be online with electricity problems (maybe a mobile?), but you must be making something work, even if temporarily. If you have something that is working, you have a resource you can build on. Because the soc is in no way a solution to any of your problems (and per your comments, probably the most direct contributor to them), he should be the last thing on your mind right now.
$700/mo for Cobra right now is out of range in your current financial dilemma. If you’re not working, you should qualify for the state medical. It would help you to have that extra cash for other things, to help rebuild. Again, to even have that, you have more working than you think.
I know you are hurting and that your issues are compounded. It would be easy to want to rage or give up in your circumstances. Only you can decide your mettle right now. I’m hoping you’ll try to focus on what is possible right now instead of what’s not, and consider some new possibilies, like moving around what money you do have and using it differently.
I just read Scarlett’s reply after I had written the other one… Great minds 😎think alike.
I know things are really horrible for you right now, so it’s hard to see things. I was thinking, have you ever thought about your own business? I don’t know what ur occupation in life is but it could be related to that, or it could be something completely different. Something you love doing, like writing kids books or making and selling enmasse something edible, or clothes or craft or well anything. With the Internet you could import and sell on line …. Think outside the normal scope…I’m sure there is something….
Im a nurse….I am on long term disability. I get 1400 a month. Since the spath left,I will not be able to afford my rent,electric,food,etc…..we split the bills. He paid half rent and half electric for December via my therapist calling him.Come January,Im all on my own…..I don’t think I can make it. Its day to day. MS is the most expensive disease to treat.btw….next to old age. I applied for another nursing job,but…if they find out im on ltd,which I would drop if I got hired,they would find out I have ms..which is a no no to disclose. I am stuck in the system. I will sign up for healthcare.gov…..Tried today…spent an hour on the phone with a navigator,and got half way through,and he said the system went down. hahahaha! This is not my time to create hats and scarfs,this is survival time.
When does it end! And Im not talking about missing the SOB. Im talking about the financial ruin,loss of self worth,hope,etc…..I have,and all I can do is laff….27dollars to last until January 9th. I have offered to mow peoples lawns,help a guy I know detail cars,I’ve put applications in for nursing jobs. No bites. I went through my 401k,so I have no money to move around. 27bucks is what I have. wow! How do these spaths get away with this? Im not kidding! How do they go on,not have to worry about food,gas,electric,etc?????? It doesn’t feel like I was with a person who is a sociopath,it feels like I was with the Devil and the Devil is still hanging around the air!
Aw am sorry to read this Bobbie and this is the worst time of the year too. They have no conscience. Did you just say you got through $401,000 dollars?
No. Id be doing great if I had four hundred thousand dollars. My 401k. Thats my retirement account from working at my job for so long. It was only 6grand. I lost job…had no income…waited to sign up for the short term disability,because I am not disabled…lost job with medical bills I was paying monthly,used my 401k to live on,pay for prescriptions for MS and mri’s and mammograms(I have lobular carcinoma in situ,thats stage 0 breast cancer,whatever that means,had 3 choices of treatment,I decided to be watch every 6 months) physical therapy,when U lose a job in the usa,you lose your insurance,but You can get something called Cobra,which is 700 a month…so,Im struggling financially….it I had four hundred thousand dollars,I would be thrilled! never had that amount of money in my life…I think If I weren’t stressing about money or a job,it would be much easier to get over this….this is a nightmare
That is shocking. I am sure that they want to do the same in the UK to stop free healthcare. How awful you had to lose so much money to pay for your health 😦
If you are in the states call Salvation Army, I am telling you. They will help you.
Your so right!!!!! He is slime. The thought of him right now,actually sends chills of disgust up my spine. He is less of a man,than I have ever dated in my life. He has the emotional intelligence of a snail.
Yeah, they all make me physically ill too. Which is why I laugh, when I see people who think they are soo dashing and charming. I am like oh lord where are my boots, the SH*T is deep in here!!!
I have papers to submit to the MS society for financial help.
and not to mention,my x spath left shortly after I lost my job. Saying “My situation was bringing him down”….I fought for my job,he watched me,I accomplished things while I went through the loss of my job,Iam not disabled,I have MS. When he moved in here…I was fine. I had a job,I was self sufficient….I’ve lost everything. He was sleeping on x wife number 1’s couch,while going through a divorce from x wife number 2. He came in here,didnt like my couch,t.v.,put a ring on my finger(my 1st time being engaged)got a new couch,got a new t.v.,etc……I remember saying…”what am I going to do if you ever leave me,are you going to take this stuff?” He said “no babe” He took it. I feel like an idiot…..and I think he is a disgusting excuse for a man. He isn’t even a man to me.
You’re right, he isn’t a man. He was a parasitic boarder. But, it’s just stuff and you will replace it. More importantly, he IS replaceable. I know he didn’t leave you well at all and that it must be so completely frustrating and angering that you were in a much better place BEFORE him.
Still, I wish you happiness now, whatever else is going on, and I’m glad you see him for what he is. Let him continue to go back to and use the other x’s. As you straighten out and improve the situation he created that was “bringing him down” (and, you will, you are a survivor), he may come sniffing back around. If you can thoroughly wash your hands of him while you’re down, he will have no effect on you when your situation has changed. And, that’s as it should be. It makes me mad to read about him, but more than that, it upsets me that you’re upset about it right now.
Im actually doing okay with not missing the creep. Even on xmas. I think if he came knocking on my door,i would hide in my apartment and not open door. gone NC since Thanksgiving. Have no desire to see his face. Its so weird,4 years living together,engaged,and I have nothing to say to the beast. I got cheaper health insurance,been applying for jobs like crazy,when I was out on long term not disabled Since I have been out of work,,I took that time to take my teacher training certification in pilates and passed with flying colors,so I have been apprenticing to teach at the studio I was going to,and the owner is letting me shadow her and take her classes for free! What a blessing. Still gotta get a nursing job,as that is what will really pay the bills. I am trying to get my life back together. Praying it goes well!
Wow, that is all so encouraging, Bobbie. Am happy for you. It’s strange, isn’t it? While the life shake up is definitely confronting and painful, it seems it has pushed many of us in new directions. I’m facing a lawsuit that I have no idea how it will turn out, but praying for the best.
Even so, I’m happy for the first time considering possibilities for myself that I never did before—like showing my dog and getting my pilot’s license. I thought my only options were the narrow ones I’d worked myself into, but it’s not true. I may have to do some things I don’t want to temporarily to survive, but I pray God will help with that too if that’s the case.
Ah well done you Bobbie. Now you are starting to see fresh opportunities coming into your life. Well done for qualifying on your course. I hope that you find some nursing work soon (if this is what you want to do).
wow. Its so up and down isn’t it? I was fine,than whamo! last night,missed the SP like crazy. wtf? I also got 2 strange text messages,from an entirely different area code….it was sent to 15 other people(ya know how you can look at the details of the text,and see all the numbers it was sent to)…My number was the only number,with a different area code than the other 14 numbers. Last text was sent at 1:15am. Probably a coincidence. Today,I woke up stressed out of my head about finding a job,hanging on financially until I do,etc….is that common? To feel great one minute,than to crash the next?
Hey bobbie, I’m 6 months down the track and it still happens. HOWEVER, the feeling positive and good is now most of the time and better than then and the feeling bad is only for short periods and no way near that early days intensity. I’m good now about 70% of the time, with no thoughts of him at all, then about 25% of the time I’m ok with some thoughts but not missing him thoughts and then about 5% of the time it hurts and I miss him, I miss the dream. I lost so much, more than just a relationship, i lost a beautiful dream, I lost my last chance at a real family, I lost all my money, my home and in the end, my job. You will bounce back and the pain will fade. I look forward to the day when He is a passing thought with no emotion. I know it’s not far away.
Thanks it is done. Ya know what sucks? I live in a small beach town…everyone knows him and they seem to love him,his kids are all prosurfers,they travel the world….I surmise,that is why everyone loves him. It’s like he and his kids are the local rock stars. And,the fear of passing him,running into him at the grocery store,etc…makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve zero desire to find out who he is dating,what he has been doing,etc….it’s for my own emotional protection. I’ve passed him at a stop light once,since NC…and it sent me reeling! When I leave the house,I am sick to my stomach that I will run into him. this to shall pass. I also look forward to the day,I feel nothing. As I said,yesterday,I felt nothing for him….than whamo! out of the blue. fuck him! sick,empty soul of a beast!
That must be really hard. I live in Sydney, Australia and I used to feel sick if I thought there was the remotest chance of bumping into him, which the chances are so slim, so for u it must be excruciating at times. It does fade slowly. Time is your friend now, once it passes you will feel better. Just ride the roller coaster, accept where you are at but know with time it will be a thousand times better xx
it is excruciating. My chances of bumping into this freak,are about 97% on the “bump into your ex soc scale” But I like what you said,”just ride the rollercoaster” and “accept where I am” I will do that! thank you!
Something my counsellor taught me. The more I faught against how I was feeling, the worse I felt. Once I started accepting that this is where I was and that my feelings were acceptable and it was more than ok to feel that way, It slowly started to get better. I would feel the pain, cry, hurt but at the same time I would comfort me, then over time the pain became less. I think This is how you deal with and overcome grief healthily. Accept where you are and be super kind to yourself and know that it will get better. I know ur in a really shit situation right now Bobbie, but it will get better, you showed that yesterday. Those days will start to be more the norm than the rarity. You will overcome all of it one by one. You will be so proud of what u accomplish despite your disability and noone will ever be able to take that strength and empowerment away from you. Just give it time
Eventually, you will be driving along without a thought of him at all, your mind caught up elsewhere. You might even see a car like his and that will wake you up to the understanding, not only do you not look for him anymore, you have your own stuff in front of you and don’t care.
My former partner of 6 years would physically, verbally and emotionally abuse me and then sit me down for a two hour lecture on how badly I treated him and how he deserved better. There was never an apology or promise it would never happen again. I really thought I was crazy and began to believe that I was the things he said I was. It has been over two years and I am battling his continuing financial abuse. However, I am slowly beginning to feel like myself again. I try to use this experience to become more enlightened and live a more mindful life. thank you for the work you do with this site. It has provided me support and enabled me to make better choices.
Thank you Melanie.
Can I ask what is happening? Why does he still have control over you financially and use this to abuse you?
Unfortunately I made the decision to loan him my inheritance (in addition to other money I gave him) on the agreement that should we separate it would come back to me. His lawyer never wrote up the agreement and I never sought independent advice because I trusted him. Every time I bought it up he would physically abuse me. We also invested in a business together and he shut me out of it less than 24hrs after being arrested for assaulting me (and tying me up). Meanwhile he continues to take whatever he wants from it, including using it to fund his substantial legal bills, while I cannot afford a lawyer. It really is just an extension of how he treated me in the relationship, so I don’t know why I expected any different now.
I was abused way too much. The emotional and the sexual abuse sent me over the edge. I helped him start a business and bought him cargo van. He only paid $400 out of the thousands I spent on him. When he dropped off money he would sexual abuse me. I am glad I reported the sexual abuse. The next person he rapes he won’t be so lucky.
How are you doing today step?
I have NEVER thought of myself as ever being abused I’ve always thought its me .. I’m emotional or I am all over the place but as I read this I could tick off most of the things on the list – biting and pinching mainly but I was always covered in bruises! I used to lie and say I had hurt my self on the rope climb at the gym .. Tell me again why I’m crying myself to sleep at night over this man ..
Along with forcing me at times to perform sexual acts he also took pictures of me (in sexual positions) and posted them online to bait other women/men for sexual encounters. He did this for over a year and I had no clue until one day I figured it out and sure enough found pictures of me all over the internet.
Oh Katy that is such a violation. How awful for you! 😦