She did that in court, when she filed false charges against me. Then she acted like we were just friends and I was stalking her..Which was exactly the opposite of the truth.
Best thing I got from Thomas Sheridan’s share of information…there maybe 4% of psychos out there…BUT there 96% of ppl who are NOT…that has to be hopeful.
Positivagirl, first off your site is my number one recovery tool. Loaded with info, explanations, “armor” and even have gained some cyber world friends 🙂 I have watched Thomas Sheridans videos many times over. Everything is very helpful, to hopefully comprehend more fully what the heck just happened to us…lol! There is a video on the eyes alone! Creepy dark Manson eyes…like my spath! :p
His book “Puzzling People- The Labyrinth of the psychopath is really good as well puts everything in such a simplistic way! The best £10 I ever spent!
OMG, I have never found anything on their dead eyes. Mine has dead eyes and always looks to the side when kissing me. As soon as we start to kiss his eyes look up and to the side. After I told him about it he looks at me now but his eyes are dark and they seem to look right through me not at me.
My now ex boyfriend just gave me “the eyes” on Friday, dec 6th. My ex husband had those same eyes so I’m quite familiar. The next day I was out and haven’t spoken since. He hasn’t even text or called. Odd to me since we text 20-50 times a day and at least 1 call at night. To him? I don’t even think he has noticed. Pretty sure he’s already on another date with his newest victim.
Needless to say I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow night.
When you say, “The Eyes” What do you mean by that? Is it like a look in their eyes that shows nothing, like empty eyes or something?
Sorry to pry, I just found your comment to be very interesting & was curious as to what you meant by that.
OMG! I am so dumb! You were referring to what he was saying in the video, I was doing a couple other things while listening to the video so I totally missed that part. I’m sorry. I just glanced at some of the other comments & realized that was a part of the song. My bad lol
Oh yes, that smirk I got a lot. It wasn’t till the end that I really realised it meant he felt he’ed got one over me. And then I remember seeing it at other times, such as when he came home from work sometimes. Now I wonder, what was it he had done that day to give me that smirk? I can easily guess now the rose coloured glasses are gone. Along with that foreign smell. Yuck!
Pos, not sure if he is trying to be funny but there was definitely some things that made me laugh too. 😄
Can’t we start posting the sociopaths names and make a data base? I have been duped on and off again for 3.5 yrs. I will attest that your blog and the stories and blogs from the readers is what saved me and gave me the courage to leave. He has already started his game and is on match.com constantly lining up his new victims. He is a gross person and I wasted my time on him. However, I am far wiser and stronger because of the experience. Esalen. Thank you positive girl
OMG! That is such a good idea! I feel sick when I look at his friends list on facebook & see all his “ex girlfriends” (Ex Victims is more like it) & tonight I finally got the courage to say F U to him & even put on my fb post that the one thing I feel bad about leaving him for is that there is another girl, who doesn’t even know it yet who is about to become his next victim & have her world turned upside down & destroyed.
I really think that would be such a good idea to put like your city & state & the name so other girls (I guess sometimes guys too) can look & be warned!
Love T.S, and that smirk/crooked smile along with the predatory stare still creeps me out — and also when I googled my soc there was one article he wrote about how homosexuality and faith cannot coexist — empty, changeable belief system — I def got a vibe also that he was involved with men & women —def jumping on bandwagon— and true at the end–I tend to be attracted to men who are willing to step up and take the lead, but 100% agree that the big lesson, hard and painful– is for me to truly love myself, embrace my strengths and challenges while building a life new and improved! I really do feel like I’m Being “schooled” in love/life and liberty! It’s amazing how there is continual stuff to learn emerging everyday since no contact! Up and onward for today…. EL
EL,
I hear ya. Why do I like being treated like crap, regularly lied to, somewhat used, mentally abused alternately with “Love” and good s**? I really feel he is into men as well….I’m serious. Always using some drug, scary moods at times, physically hurts me in a sneaky way (twist my arm, pinch, grab). I am sick of “liking” this crap!!
I don’t know if that is true about homosexuality and faith not existing? That would be to say people who are homosexuals dont have spiritual faith? I don’t believe that is true. I did date one who did the whole male female thing.
Wow! Positivagirl! You always amaze me! This video was really creepy to me. My SP had this grin, head tilt, stare, and eyebrow lift that was like nothing I had ever seen before. No one had ever looked at me like that, I thought it was a sincere, sweet look of love. However, now looking back after the devalue and discard stage I realize that his kind, gentle smile and sweet eyes were really a look of sarcasm and assessment. It is now eerily strange when I think of that look, it was an evil look in disguise. Also, I completely relate to the projection part that he discussed. My SP would complain so many things about his ex wife and then when he took his mask off, this was who he was, the person he complained about and said he was disgusted by. I mean specific things and all along it was him and I hated who he really was once the mask was gone.
Curious if anyone has read his book? Sounds good.
Also, to all my fellow SP survivors…I made a big step last night and I deleted / blocked him, the kids, family members, and mutual friends from everything and anything!!! This was a big step and it felt good.
Well done you for going full no contact. This will help you to feel you are taking back control. I haven’t read Thomas’s book, I plan to. I dont know If anyone else has?
Fairytale2nightmare,
This is awesome news! Stay strong, positive and mindful of your thoughts. You can do it! I watched all of Sheridans YouTube videos. Very helpful as my second source of support, apart from this site with Positivagirl.
They are good videos. Over the next couple of weeks am going to post some good videos here, while I work on the site. I am updating and writing on Facebook page. If you are on face book.
What is your facebook name? page?
Also, with the no contact is it normal to wonder if they are even trying to contact you or for it to make you feel bad that they haven’t cared enough to contact you? He claimed to love me so much to his family, but he doesn’t contact me. I end up contacted him and sometimes he briefly responds. I had to block him and everyone else and erase him completely because the rejection was to hard to bare any longer. Is the SP doing the silent treatment on purpose or is he just done? He claims he can’t because it hurts too bad. BS
There is a link to the page on the right hand side fairy. Or the Facebook icon at the top above search. Each brings you to the page. It’s called dating a sociopath. Sometimes it’s easier to put statements there or short videos than on the site.
Hi fairy, in my case it is normal for them to do that. PHeonix rising as well. I got viciously discarded over five months ago in the middle of IVF. A long story but After the first 3 weeks of weirdness he went dead silent. Never heard from him again. If you read the post https://datingasociopath.com/2013/08/09/the-sociopath-silent-treatment/ by positivagirl it talks about this. Also, if u read the older comments, there is one by Aurelius – he is a sociopath and what he said struck a massive chord. I believe mine is done. He has found his next victim and I am now nothing. Forgotten. Completely discarded. Do I think he will come back? I think he doesn’t want to loose so it depends on wether his curiosity outweighs his stuborness. If he does, and he follows his pattern that he did with me, he would be living with her now and gaming mode would have started, it will be in the next five months. But he will get only silence.
My daughter’s father walked days after she died. From being happy and in love to nothing. Only explaination he said if she had lived sure we would have been ok. He never did speak to me again. Also read coping with pain after discard.
Mine went silent too. He wouldn’t even reply to my messages asking when he was going to move his stuff out, as he was living in my house before the break up. I sat amongst his things for 2 whole months, and then he finally arranged for a moving truck to come the week before Xmas – which is exactly what I was telling him I wanted to avoid bc I knew it would make the holidays harder. But that’s exactly what he did anyway. All my messages regarding other logistical matters either went unanswered, or he’d be totally passive aggressive. He too, said it was bc it was too hard to talk to me bc it hurt so much. Meanwhile, I found out that he had already met the next victim, so was obviously busy going thru the motions with her. In fact, the whole time I was sitting around amongst all his things crying my eyes out, he was already living with the new girl. Yuck. If I had known that, I’d have posted all his sh*t on Kijiji and made myself some fun money!
Anyway, as much as the silent treatment just about killed me at the time, it definitely opened my eyes to what an absolute heartless bastard he could be. It was partly the confusion over this silent treatment that led me to this site and other materials that helped me to realize what he was…
‘My’ sociopath did everything he said, totally recognise the smirk…which I had forgotten about! What is the reason for that?? I am 5 weeks no contact :)) tho waiting to see what he does next…horrible feeling but I agree with Empathic Love…even tho it’s been no contact I am still learning a lot. Should I just let it be and not obssess over trying to figure out why he did what he did to me? I feel like I am spending my time trying to understand him and what sociopaths are etc.
Sammy, I think we all spend way too much time thinking about them, how it was…when it was good. We should spend time thinking about yourselves and what makes us happy and what we truly deserve. I wish I could only live by my words! With my SP he has still left me with that feeling of true love and I HATE him for it!!!
Hi sammy, I believe that we all need to deal with it in our own way. The main thing for me was to stop being so hard on myself, be kind to myself. When the final discard happened I was so intent that I would be over this in a month, that I didn’t give myself the chance to understand what had happened and and to grieve. Funny thing was, once I stopped beating myself up, I started to get through it quicker. I did as much reading on it as I could and here I am 5.5 months later still reading this site and listening and relating to people’s stories. However, I am now in the acceptance stage. I have come a long way, and I have learnt so much about myself in that time.
What we went through is not normal. I believe It is akin to loosing someone through death as it was so sudden, no build up and then they are gone forever (through both silent treatment and because they never existed) yet it’s a mind f$@k as the a-hole is still alive.
If i may offer advice, and as said, this is only through what has been working for me…Don’t be hard on yourself, accept this where you are in life, grieve, hurt, read, ruminate, cry, but through it grow, learn about yourself, look into what part of you allowed someone like this in your life. Loving someone is a good thing, but choosing the wrong person is not. That is what I did wrong. I choose the wrong person. Why? Because I choose someone like my dad, completely emotionally unavailable. I always said being with Nigel was like being home. I forgot how horrible it was after my mother died as my dad was/is an A-hole with a capital A. Just like home, I was kicked out when I no longer pleased him.
And keep busy. 😃
Peace
Hi Sammy,
Pos has written a great article on this site about the stages of grief. Unfortunately, we all have to go through an additional stage after coming out of a relationship like this, and it is called “Psychological Detective”. If you havent seen it, you should definitely give it a read.
Personally, I feel like this is a very important stage, bc before I could properly heal, I needed to understand what I needed healing from! Like It Is Done, I also thought I would be over the relationship in the typical “standard” time – but I just couldn’t bc I had so many questions and no real sense of closure (like I’ve had with other “normal” break up’s). I was left feeling so confused. Anyway – it was only after I fully understood him and how his screwed up mind worked, that I was able to take the blame and guilt off myself and instead focus on healing me.
As I’m sure you’ve figured out, with a Soc you need to find your own sense of closure. For me that came from educating myself about sociopathy. I have been out of this relationship for a year, but still come to this site regularly to continue to learn. These learnings have enabled me to continue to focus on getting myself better. Obviously it’s not healthy to obsess, but at the same time, I needed to understand what happened, so that I could move into the Acceptance stage…
@Prophette
Well said Prophette, I am in the same kind of phase like you. I continued learning about sociopathy and it’s everywhere not only in relationships. After I exposed my ex spath it was a final mental closure from my side (finally! after a year). After that I had a bit of depression phase again (as it was a real end without any further thoughts how I will expose him) but to my surprise it didn’t last too long (few weeks) and as for myself, I am noticing that I am now forgetting my ex spath. I am not forgiving him, I am forgetting him. I guess I realized what kind of mental issues he had. And it was not easy to see it, sociopathy is very covert. But, I guess just like with a new disease, first time is the hardest, but next time the body recognizes the “enemy” sooner and has antibodies ready 🙂 So are we now, better equipped to recognize them. Yes it can be disappointing to recognize that someone is a sociopath when you though he could be the next love, but better that then getting attached and then go through the same again.
So true that sociopathy is everywhere. I was just thinking that, in my parent’s day, they would’ve probably been called “shysters” or referred to as “not quite right”.
Omg….that how I felt. I hated him foe exposing me to such bliss in the beginning and then leaving/cutting me off like a hang nail. He moved out on a Wednesday and in with his newest victim on Friday. I kept crying ..thinking there must be some kind of mistake. He can’t really have forgotten about me so quickly. But he did…..just that easy!!
Thomas can you help me? Please email as I need your help, I am dealing with a sociopath.
I’ve been NC for only about 2.5 months. I’ve been allowing myself to feel and go through all the withdrawals/emotions/ confusion which have been so crazy making– but with each day I make recovery progress and let go a little more- in my case I really needed to get into counseling and support–the first step was finding this site and others to wake up & make sense of the pain & confusion which I never experienced before– and in the midst of much transition/change in life. I had to also go back to basics of sleep regular schedule, eat regularly & plan meals better, be super kind to myself — still doing this and still building. I went off the dating site that is we’re we met & he is still on ( unaware to other targets) all along I was reading & posting on this site– which has helped me to ground, encourage self care/love, and realize the truth of soc. I have just added in a gym membership — belly dance, Zumba and kickboxing are doing wonders for my spirit and soul while also having some much needed fun& release–detoxing soc right out along with sweat 😉 I made decision to work really hard in counseling to heal the wounds of my family of origin and PTSD to live a purposeful and full life with wholeness. The buck stops here. There is much I need to learn & grow –build for myself. I need to learn how to chose healthy, safe men too. I’m going slow, going through, determined to reclaim my life, recover and be my best self– trying to see all of this as opportunity to change my life for the better — weeding out toxic people, places and things. I am an over analyzer by nature– the more life I incorporate and the more I chose to love myself– the less I obsess over understanding the soc. But I feel alone with it at times, posting also helps me work it through. I pray for your peace & joy along with everyone else who posts here. Pace e Bene, EL
I am so proud of you!! 🙂 What a great example. Thank you for sharing EL 🙂
Ps
Getting rid of all the love bomb remnants has been helping too.. Ex. Letters, gifts, books, random unnecessary and meaningless crap as well – I don’t know where or why he gave me some of this stuff — I hate clutter!
EL,
I admire you sooo much right now. It is very encouraging. It had to be a challenge to get rid if the good romantic garbage. The lies they tell are so beautiful :p. You are another strong woman to bring me hope. I left twice and now I’m back again. It’s an addiction to a movie character, basically. My love is dying, watching him lie to my face, temper tantrums, physical roughness, disappearing acts for hours. I want out, told him to see other people (it’s what he doing anyway !). Yet here I am. I hope to get where you are very quickly EL! Great job! 🙂
EL, that is so great to hear! You are doing so well! go you!!!
I am also doing all of these things for healing… I have come far, even with my little set back loosing my job 2 weeks ago, I am still moving forward (with a slight backward step then, but feel im back on the right road again). in counseling today, she pointed out that on the occasions where he came up and I started ruminating, I would wave it aside myself indicating that it was of no importance. This is a big step forward.
Yay us!
Good for you EL! I just did the same thing! I am not sure if it was the right thing or not or if it broke the laws of No Contact! I gathered up all the cards, gifts, mementos, lingerie, his shirt he left for me to remember him by and the marriage license and I mailed it all to him! It made me feel better to be free from any of the memories that were lies. NC certainly helps, I can’t remember the last time I cried and I have gained so much clarity! I have not spoken to him or called him since Sept. 13, I have not texted in over a month, and last, I haven’t emailed in 2 weeks. I also deleted and blocked all family members from my phone and FB…even though I love all of them and it was hard..it was the right thing to do for me to move on…absolutely NO CONTACT…I don’t want to know what he is thinking or doing and he doesn’t deserve to even know I exist! One day closer to closure!!!
I screwed up. Â I broke NC, and now I feel like crap. Â It started last night when I was speaking with one of my best girlfriends – we have been friends since we were 3 years old and have grown up together. Â Our parents were friends, and every Xmas Eve, we would get together and celebrate. Â As us kids became adults, we took over the tradition. Â We have spent the last 37 Eve’s together, and part of the tradition is to take a photo of all of us together by the tree. Â It’s amazing to see how much all of us have changed over the years, and how much larger the group has gotten as new generations were born. Anyway, my GF called last night to say she was putting together a collage of the last 37 Eve photo’s specifically for her Dad for Xmas. Â He has been diagnosed with cancer, and we’re not sure how many more Xmas’s we will be able to spend with him. Â Here’s her problem – she has every year except the last two. Â And that’s bc my Soc came with me those years and was designated photographer. Â
When the Soc and I broke up, I asked him to please send me all the photo’s from the three years we were together. Â He had the better camera, so he’d always play photographer. Â He promised he would, but he never did. Â I kept begging him to do this, but he’d just ignore me. Â For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why. Â It would only take him two minutes to copy them to an Internet site, walk away as the upload took place, and then email me a link. Â I pleaded with him as he not only had the Xmas pic’s, but also my family milestones – my grandmother’s 80th surprise party, my Dad’s side reunion after my godmother got diagnosed and survived lung cancer, and tons of pic’s and video’s of my tiny 4 pound cat who I had for 18 years and had to put down a year ago. Â I was heartbroken when he’d ignore my requests, but kept sending him messages asking. Â The last time I asked in the early summer, he finally did reply, but said that he’d drop off a hard drive to me, then I could copy it and he’d pick it up another time. Â I was so not interested in seeing him, that I sent a note back just asking him to do the website method. Â He of course went dark again. Â Shortly after, is when I did all my research and counselling and figured out he was a Soc. Â I found this site, and the article Pos wrote that said only ask for your stuff once, bc high likelihood they won’t send it, really hit home. Â
So – I’ve been no contact since the summer. Â Have been doing great, but do have the occasional tough day. Â When my GF called last night to ask if I could try and get the photo’s, what could I do? Â Her reasons for wanting them are so sad and so real…and these people are like family to me. Â I had to try. Â I thought I was strong enough to send a quick text, keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. Â And I sent a text. Â Nothing emotional, not giving him the reason why, just a simple note asking him if still had the photo’s saved, and if so, could he please let me know and arrange to send me a link. Â Silence.
I thought it wouldn’t bother me if he kept quiet, but it does. Â It reminds me of all the other times I tried reaching out and just kept getting ignored like a useless piece of trash. I feel miserable. Â And I regret it so much bc not only am I unable to help my friend, I feel like an a*shole for dating such a heartless prick and now I have to go back and admit to her that I still can’t get them…plus now I’m angry bc although I had to accept that I wasn’t ever going to see them again, my feelings are still hurt.
Hi Prophette,
I’m sorry that you are feeling down. Yes it is surprising when it rears it’s ugly head again. As you know I have had a slight glitch in my healing as well. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Your reasons were just. Unfortunately it has been a trigger for you. It brings up all the old feelings of hurt and pain and resentment and the ugly truth that he never cared. This is ok and very normal to feel this way. It was a very painful and traumatic time in your life that will never completely go away. But as you know it grows much dimmer and most importantly it is a life lesson and we learn from. But every now and then it slaps us in the face. This makes us human and shows that we are loving caring people. We just chose the wrong man.
Apart from the job loss, or maybe because of the job loss and sensitivity at the time, I also recently got triggered when i was in the super market and “our song” came on, the one that only 3 weeks before final discard he told me was going to be our wedding song. I felt sick and horrible and was holding back tears in the shop as the feelings washed over me again. I felt horrible for the rest of the day and some of the next. Surprisingly they faded quite quickly, I even realised today that the backward step I have taken with the job loss, is no longer backward and I am moving forward again.
Don’t be hard on yourself. You tried. He is an Arse. Your friend will understand. Be kind to you. Be aware that it is just a trigger but don’t run from it. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, loving woman. Don’t ever forget that.
xxx
You’re right – it was a trigger. Having to remember all those photo’s also reminded me of the one’s of us – vacations, birthdays, Valentine’s, anniversaries, etc. Ugh. I really miss not having all the video’s of my cat (her name was Prophette). She was such a silly little thing and my best friend. 18 years I had that monster! He took so many video’s of us – he used to call us his “two girls”. It would just be nice to have them all. And you’re right – my friend will understand that at least I tried. She won’t be able to get her head around why he won’t give them to me bc she’s never had to deal with a Soc. I just feel like it looks so bad on me.
Sorry to hear about your supermarket trigger. Music is a tough one. I still find that I can’t listen to any music – and it’s been over a year! It used to be such a big part of our lives, as the Soc used to play the guitar. I’m glad to hear that you were able to get back on your feet so quickly – good for you 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind words. Now it was your turn to put tears in my eyes…your kindness means a lot.
Prophette
I know it hurts, my ex did something very similar, my son was 7 at the time and got my baby book from his father, telling me, I don’t know why daddy keeps your things? It’s a very sad and pathetic game. I am sorry. We will never understand who likes to be cruel to people intentionally?
Hi NIBSIH,
Thank you for your kind words. Can you believe even a 7 year old knows when they see someone doing something wrong? And yet these grown men think what they’re doing is absolutely right. That is so sad. You’re right – it is a sad and pathetic game. And now, in the interest of getting back what is mine, I have to play a bit of it too. These are sick individuals – being cruel comes so naturally to them, and that scares me…
We are here for each other Prophette 🙂 (I did wonder where your name came from :-))
I have a cat… her name is Lucy. She is also my everything and I know when I lose her that it would be hard to loose those wonderful pictures of her. She will always be in my memory though. She is only 12 though so i have a while yet. Touchwood!
My ex soc hated her. Hates cats…. according to his ex wife he kills them (I thought at the time she was exaggerating .. now not so sure). Lucy is certainly happy to have me back again to herself and sleep in my bed again. 🙂
Awwww – of course you have a cat, our lives seem to be identical in so many ways! I’m glad Lucy has you back to herself and if she’s only 12, you’ve got a long ways to go!
That’s horrible about your Soc if he really did hurt cats – but hurting animals seems to be one of the signs sadly. When I met my Soc and he found out about Proph, he said that he was a total cat person – but that he hated and could never be with a girl who had a dog. Well, guess what? The new girl he bought the house with has a dog….how’s that for mirroring? Probably told her he hated cats. What a loser.
Omg. They are such douche bags. I am still occasionally having those A-Ha moments. Infact this video talks about the smirk! Mine so had that. I realised that it was his ‘I’ve got one over you/ done something bad’ look but I only put it together after the split.
I am starting to really know that I am lucky I got away. Really believe it. Still not all the time but I’m getting there. X
A-ha moments are great. I get so many of those every time I read this site – and it helps to keep me grounded and on track. I hope my breaking of NC makes someone out there question themselves before they hit send. I was already close to 6 months NC and thought I was ready to brave it. Nope.
I don’t know if I will ever have contact with him again. I refuse to stay angry at him as that will only damage my own life (a previous ex i now think was a narcissist and I have held my anger to him for more than 10 years and all that got me was bad relationships and a raise to a sociopath!!!), and I will forgive him as it’s not his fault he is broken… however, I have no desire to speak with or see him again. Basically, I am not sure that it would achieve anything seeing him. He has nothing I want from him though. He does have our two years of photo’s but I can do without those as none of them were of anyone but us and his children and our dogs (that he kept). I do sometimes wonder if he will ever check back in to see if he has a chance to hoover but the door will be firmly shut. I hope I can be strong if he does.
However, after saying all that I recently discovered his ex wife’s Facebook page and I was tempted to anonymously contact her to point her in the direction of sociopathy. She is still hooked and I feel sorry for her and the children (whom i cared for very much). At the last minute I decided not to get myself involved as it would only reel me back in. I know that I am not strong enough yet.
I am truly sorry that you have lost these precious mementos. I just ope he stays silent and doesnt use this as a way to get back in. Be strong. I’ll help you be strong… after all you are my doppelganger in Canada 🙂
Hey prophet. I am sorry you are hurting. It must have been a tough call to contact him knowing that you might once again face rejection. Does nobody else have copies of these photos?
Realistically I doubt he has them anymore. If this helps to put your mind at rest, as I said before, If he was going to give it back he would. I doubt he has them. It’s a stupid game.
I know that it is a loss. But there are still 35 years. I am sure that your friend will understand and will build something beautiful anyway.
It is hard when you break no contact and they ignore as you have to start again back to day one of no contact. But this time with a wiser head.
Let go that he has those photos. He knew you wanted them and they meant a lot. He probably took joy disposing of them. I hope that this doesn’t hurt you. I just want you to know the truth x
Thank you – I’m grateful for your honesty. I would never dispose of 1000’s of photo’s that I knew meant a lot to someone – so it’s good for me to hear that there are people out there who would. I also would never have made someone beg for them and proceed to ignore them either. When he finally moved out of my house, that was the only thing I asked him for. He even said “don’t worry, I’ll get them to you, I wouldn’t hold them hostage”. And like an idiot, I kept begging for months, bc it was 3 years of my life after all – and I really didn’t think back then that he wouldn’t give them to me. Until I realized what he was.
And yes, it was a tough call to reach out to him again. I even had to strain my brain a bit to remember his number – thats how far down the NC path I had gotten to. I knew that the highest likelihood was silence, but I just figured that I had done so well with NC for so long, that I’d be able to handle it. Sadly, there are no other copies of the pic’s. And when I was with him, I wasn’t concerned about making copies onto my computer, bc we were supposed to be together forever, so why bother? What an idiot I was.
The fact that you say he took joy in destroying them doesn’t hurt me – it just makes me sick to think that this is what they do. Evil. I just have to accept that they’re gone. Thank you for putting this in black and white for me. Back to Day One NC I go.
I know. You know sadly, the only reason that I know this, is because my ex, took things that were associated to my dead daughter. Things that really meant so much to me, that could never be replaced. He knew this. He then faked that he would give them back, playing a cat and mouse game.
I wondered how anybody could be so cruel? He told me that he put them in the bin – he was angry with me. It is more likely that he sold the items for cash.
We did stay in each others lives for a long time afterwards. (me knowing he was a sociopath and he knew it too) but this was the one thing that I really struggled to forgive him for.
If I brought it up. He would say – well that was a long time ago.
I do understand how it feels to lose things of such personal sentimental value, that cannot be replaced.
I went through it with a few things, and the outcome was always the same.
Wouldn’t talk about it
Pretended it hadn’t happened
Tried to brush it under the carpet
Realistically they just don’t care. Last year I bought him a camera, as he liked photography (for Christmas) we weren’t together then – he sold it a couple of weeks later. For cash.
When I told him how disappointed in him I was, he just said ‘I don’t have the same values or morals as you’.
I would hate him to have that same hold over you, of you waiting for your things back. As this did happen to me, on numerous times. It never came back. It never would.
They like the control feeling, that you think that they have something of theirs that they want. But they don’t care about it. its just not important to them.
I know I can say this, as the sociopath was in my life for a very long time after we split. I know if he had cared (and he did care about some things) he would have talked about it. His response is – to just pretend it didn’t happen.
Oh Pos – that’s exactly what he has had, a hold over me! This is the one and only thing he has that I want, and he knows that bc I am very much a sentimental type. I probably made another mistake back when I was begging him for them and didn’t realize he was a Soc – I got so angry at him ignoring my requests that I sent him a scathing message saying to not bother sending through any of the pic’s of us bc I didn’t even want those, instead to only send me the one’s of my pet and my family. God – that’s probably the same day he hit delete on all of them, wasn’t it?
Your ex is a terrible man. I’ve read other things you’ve said about him. How could he take things that belonged to your daughter – and still be able to sleep at night? I couldn’t even imagine treating someone this way – no matter how much they hurt me.
Hi Prophette,
If you REALLY want those photos? This is one time you must play his game, his way. Play it, then get out. Text him back, saying you can understand if he feels it might be an imposition to upload and publish them to a website, but that you need them for an important family gift, and as such can just pull them off a disk or thumb drive (or whatever he has) if he wouldn’t mind dropping it in the mail? And say thanks and appreciate it. It doesn’t matter if you’re gagging while you text it. This isn’t a matter of principle, it’s a tactical matter and you need the photos. Period.
If he happens to think your niceness means more? Well, now that’s not really your problem.
Do you think the “niceness” and telling him what it’s for – is what may work? I would think it’s easier for him to drag and drop them onto one of the freebie photo sites, rather than copy them to a device and have to bother with going to a post office and mailing it. I can definitely fake being nice through a text – it’s just his non response that hurts my feelings and then makes me want to stab him in the eye.
I don’t think it matters what’s easier. What we know is that this is what he was willing to do so it will look like an accommodation on your part, instead of trying to get him to do what you want. Their minds are funny. If he thinks it sounds like an opportunity and your anger with him is melting, he could believe you have ulterior motives that he’d want to encourage. I don’t know if letting him know that you really need them will help or hurt—that is really your call because it depends on the soc. If I was being nice, mine would do it; yours might enjoy seeing you want something and keeping it from you. Since you’ve already contacted him, I don’t think you have anything to lose by trying to get what you want… unless you think it could lead you into something, or that you are afraid you might be doing it to create an opportunity to talk to/see him. Doesn’t sound like you are, but I could be wrong.
Jusa – I see your point. And my Soc is definitely the type to get pleasure from seeing me want something from him. Nice typically pisses him off even more – bc as he’s told me in the past, it shows I’m able to get over him. And you’re right, I’m definitely not looking for an opportunity to talk/see him…he can just keep his Socio-ness to himself.
They’re so freaking complicating. In a normal break up, I would have asked for my pic’s once or twice and gotten them back. In a Soc break up, I’ve asked a thousand times, begged, pleaded and did the whole snot & tears play, still have nothing a year later – and now have to blog for support on a website. This is insane.
You have said it yourself. You have tried everything it has been a year. Nothing will change I don’t even believe he has them. He wouldn’t have your photos for a new victim to see, and know someone in the photo join up the dots they are very secretive.
Your reasoning that he is thinking like a non sociopath. You forget he doesn’t have empathy. He doesn’t care, if he feigned that he did care he would do it because he wanted something 😦 if you are no longer emotionally attached to him it doesn’t matter. If you are it really does. Ignoring you is a control mechanism it is giving him energy. And will leave you feeling depleted.
I am really concerned at this and think it will bring you pain. All socios are different. Most travel light they don’t carry things that connect their past. They dispose and move on 😦
Pos,
You’re right, and you’re right and you’re right again. That’s exactly how I feel – “depleted”, and all I’ve done is send him one text, after almost 6 months of hard work maintaining no contact. That one stupid 3 line text and not getting a response has exhausted me emotionally.
I do have a tough time grasping the concept of no empathy. Even as I was drafting it and being nice, I thought “he must feel bad to see me still asking for this a year later, so this time it’ll be different”. Wrong.
And yes, I did try everything – and you’re right, nothing has worked. He probably has deleted them. Your comment about not keeping them for a new victim to see just triggered a memory! One day I used his computer for something, and decided to snoop into his photo’s – and there were barely any of the girl he dated before me that I saved him from (bc she was a lunatic, of course). Anyway, I remember being surprised bc they had been together for 4 years, and he liked taking pictures, but there was barely any pictures of her/them. Then, bc I was in the throes of bombardment, I thought “eh, not a big deal. He probably deleted them bc she was an idiot, and now he’s got me”. Now looking back on it, there weren’t really any pictures of people at all – mostly just scenic stuff. Again, I remember getting bored and thinking the snooping wasn’t even worth it – but it also made me feel good thinking there were no skeletons in his closet. Boy, was I wrong. Thank you for reminding me of this – I had completely forgotten bc it felt so insignificant back then!
An A-ha moment! It’s amazing they keep coming even a year later. I don’t know how I kept making excuses for everything… There were so many. No wonder I turned into detective me.
I’m in agreement with Pos. it will only bring u pain. Xx
Phorphette, your comment “stab him in the eye” cracked me up!
Be very careful if you play this game, this is your sanity. I know those pictures are very important to you but as Pos said, he probably already ditched them.
Just be careful and don’t get dragged back in… you have come so far!
I am so not a violent person, but he just makes me so mental that I often find myself making crazy references!! The irony of it is that you’d laugh even louder if you saw me in person, bc I’m about 5 feet tall and weigh 100 pounds – where the Soc was over 6 feet, very muscular and towered over me. I could give it my all and take a running start towards him, and all he’d have to do is blow, and I’d probably fall over. The jerk.
Anyway, in response to your other note: It’s good that you’re not holding on to the anger. That would only be toxic for you – and he’s not worth it. As it relates to the anonymous message to his Ex, you totally made the right decision. When I heard about the new girl, I also wanted to send her an anonymous message – but then I read the post by Pos about why you shouldn’t do this, and so I backed off. I also took other advice from this site, and wrote down everything I would have said to her, but I didn’t send it. It was cathartic bc I was able to get it all out and I felt it was so well written and made complete sense…some of my best work! It took everything not to hit send and share this bloody masterpiece of mine. And then guess what? A few months later, I read it again and thought “yup, I sound like an absolute crazy girl”. Thank Gawd I didn’t send it.
And as it relates to being strong enough if your Soc comes a-hovering, yes – you absolutely will be. Because the first thing you’ll do is come here, and we’ll talk you off the ledge.
Your fellow Doppelgänger
Prophette
Hi Prophette,
Please don’t beat yourself up over this!! For Pete’s sake, these soc are professional takers!!! The take people, places, things, spirit, soul & hearts. They take liberties, sex, control, friends, family you name it. If its any consolation — the soc has a set of my car keys that I left inadvertently the last time I saw him. I haven’t contacted him about it, not wanting to draw attention – but occasionally I get suddenly anxious. In your case the pics effect history & others — but the pics though would be a nice gift — the bigger thing is the way soc have a way of breaking up continuity, of inserting emptiness in place of love, and mostly leaving big question marks in obvious places ( like the two otherwise meaningful Christmas ) and Christmas is about giving??!! So really, it goes to show in ironic and literal sense– how empty, incapable and ghost like they are. I agree and admit there is a sadness and acceptance here that I really struggle with. But for me it gives me more reality, proof, and concrete evidence of why we can not involve ourselves –we are real with ability to receive and give. They don’t understand receive they only know TAKE — he TOOK the pictures, but you still have amazing gifts to give to your friends/family– and this Christmas may be just the year to really appreciate, share and celebrate those gifts! It still hurts all the blanks — but now we know to fill the blanks with real love, joy– not counterfeit promises of soc’s. I wish you most Blessed Christmas this year and a really good snapshot too!! EL. Ps I’m praying and counting on your report;)
Aww EL – thanks so much for your kind words today! I was at work and reading them gave me strength and made me feel so empowered – and then I got the reply from him and got a bit derailed again…see update @ 2:39 am. I feel like I’m taking a pretty big risk here – and the reactions of Pos and It Is Done, two people whom I very much trust and who know my situation, show that this is indeed a gamble.
While I want this to be a simple exchange of photo’s, I have to remember that it most likely means something different to him. He is not doing this out of the goodness of his heart – bc I now know his is made of stone. As I’ve learned here, they only do things for their own benefit – and if his goal is to try and make me crazy, I need to be very careful.
Thank you for replying and keeping me in your thoughts – I am so touched.
Hi Prophette,
How are you doing today? (Or last night as it would be in Canada right now 🙂 ) I was thinking about you and I hope that you are feeling a little better. Was also having a giggle about my doppelganger in Canada being 5ft… im on the other end of the scale… I’m 5ft10!
Everyone! He actually replied! I’ve been dying to get home to get on my computer to tell you guys. He sent me a note a today saying that he would copy all the photos onto an external hard drive, and then be in touch soon to make arrangements to meet and give it to me. At first I was hooting and hollering from excitement! Then reality set in and I realized that this option means I need to actually see him. Twice. Once to get the drive – and another to give it back when I’m done copying it.Â
When I used to ask him for them before – and he wanted to bring me over a hard drive, Â I used to suggest he post them onto a freebie site, so then I’d just have to log in and download onto my computer. Easy peasey – and then I wouldn’t have to see him. But every time I suggested this option, he would get pissy and go back to Silent Mode. Â
Now he’s suggesting the same meet up option. I’m scared to ask for web delivery again, bc what if he goes dark again. I don’t know why he insists on going with this option – it’s inconvenient for him to drive into the city to get it to me…and plus he’s just recently moved into a new house with the new girl. Ugh. The thought of having to physically see him, gives me anxiety. But I really want those pics. Do I just suck it up and agree to see him?? Â
Well, you have been through enough already. If the photos mean that much to you. Then fine.
But make sure that you time frame it. So that he doesn’t drag it on giving you false hope and then he has control again. Please. Tell him a date that you need them by (as the collage has to be made)
Time framing it – will give you the opportunity to know if he is jerking you around.
I hope you get them back Prophette 🙂
So, reply and say this is great news thanks. I need them by (whatever date) when is good for you?
Suggestion – do not download on to personal computer, go to Walmart, Costco whatever, have it copied onto CD. Could be loaded with spyware. Sorry it’s the paranoid in me. I can’t help it, considering I am making an appointment with Apple and having my iPhone and iMac looked at.
Oh my goodness, Normal! Do you know what he does for a living? He sells security software to major organizations like Financial Institutions and the Government. So – in addition to the typical anti-virus and anti-spyware products, he also sells tracking software so that these organizations can see when their employees commit any fraud, security breaches, assist in terrorist financing, make copies of confidential doc’s, etc.
I didn’t even think about this! What an idiot I am. If there’s one thing this site keeps reminding me, is to never trust them. I’m so busy worrying about the emotional stuff, I’m forgetting the logistical. Your advice is fantastic – and I will definitely take it if I do indeed get the drive. Thank you!!!
Hey Pos,
Won’t he rebel against her trying to control the time and place? wont he need to be in control of it all?
Whatever you do Proph, make sure that as soon as he gives you the disk that you can get away. Take a friend with you… just dont’ tell him you are bringing someone with you.
He will try and hoover you back in. I have no doubt. Maybe find out what type of drive he puts it on and give him a replacement there and then so that you don’t have to see him again.
Be very very very careful my friend. Do not underestimate these a-holes.
good luck. xxx
Well if she says that they have to be there to do the collage – it sounds like it is a genuine reason and not controlling him. It would sound like she is being given a deadline.
Time framing it…. doesnt allow him to play games or control.
Make the time frame reasonable like within the next two weeks she has to have them ….
If he spends next two weeks messing around, you would know. As they do that, stalling for time and just generally jerking you around for fun. Esp when they know it is something that they want.
also he might see it as an opportunity to get a foot in the door again.
Pos & It Is Done,
I like the time frame idea. For all I know, he’s just dangling this carrot for attention, and has no interest in following through – just like every other time. I also agree with being able to get away quickly…I don’t want to allow enough time to get glammed by him again – bc he is the epitome of the charismatic Soc. I am so not happy about the idea of seeing him right before the holidays…they’re already giving me anxiety. Ugh. Thank you both for replying so quickly. I hope he doesn’t think he’s getting his foot in the door – that’s just sick, as he only just moved into the new house with the new victim within the last month. Could he be bored already?? These people are horrible.
Mine started gaming almost immediately after I moved back in… As soon as he “had me under his control again” he started gaming… your timing may be perfect for him… just go in eyes wide open. Take a friend. Please. It would make me feel happier knowing that you had a friend with you. xx
Gawd – how I wish I could take one of you! At least this way if I was getting glammed, you guys would recognize the signs, clobber him and get me out of there. One thing is very clear by your guys messages today, and that is that I need a plan. And a very good one.
By the way – thanks for checking in on me today! So sweet! I was typing you guys my update when i saw it, and it already made me feel so much better. The first reaction I had when I got his note today, was “I need to talk to my online friends right away” – but then my stupid smart phone wasn’t being very smart, and I couldn’t post anything. And I didn’t want to use my computer at the office – the last thing I need is to get busted by the IT Police for blogging on an anti-soc site. Imagine.
Quick rule list
1. You keep the control. Time frame it when you need it by. Use the excuse that you are being given a time frame
2. Expect that he will let you down
3. Allow him to arrange to do it over any time during the time frame (which can be any time that you want) I would think 2 weeks is reasonable. Or say that you have to get them to her within two weeks, so any time that is good for him up to two days before that date. This lets him think that he is in control
4. Treat it as a business transaction – do not display emotion
5. Once the two weeks has passed. Let it go. if he has them, two weeks is plenty long enough to get them to you (he has had a year)
Pos,
I love it – this is just what I needed, a to-do list. One that I cannot and will not stray from. I am going to print this and stick it on my fridge. The minute things start going sideways, I will tear it down, and once again say goodbye to my pics. The sooner I get this business started, the sooner I can go back to NC. My goodness, opening up this door has given me so much anxiety and grief, that I miss the peace that came from all the months of NC. As much as they were hard, they’re certainly a lot easier than this. NC is such a safe zone. In NC, you are not vulnerable. Wow – this is such a huge lesson for me. I am so going to fully embrace NC when this is done.
Thank you so much – for my list and for this site. I could not cope without all of you by my side. Honestly.
Yes a plan is a good one. These are only my thoughts, I am no expert… but I would suggest short and sharp. In and out. No having dinner, no romantic walks. Meet, get the photos, leave. If you have to have a coffee, scull it and run. This is not about catching up and reminiscing … this is about the photos… don’t forget that. Once you have them, keep firmly in your mind that it’s back to no contact. xxx we are here for you xx
and take a friend!
Trust me – I won’t be doing anything before running it by this group first. One of my besties called me in the car when I was driving home from work, and when I told her about his reply, her first question was “what do your Soc-site friends say to do?”. Even they all know you guys are the one’s to give the best advice 🙂
Pos is our resident expert, so I’m going to start by replying to him with the message she suggested…incorporating a thank you and a two week timeline. For all we know, this alone will get his endorphins going and he could just go dark again. If he does indeed try and set up a meet, I don’t think I’d go friendless, if only bc I’m too accountable to you guys and wouldn’t be able to lie to you!
Thomas made a good point about those micro-facial expressions which sociopaths use. Another is his comment about politicians. Personally, I believe any candidate for public office should have to undergo a personality assessment such as the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2 to eliminate pathological behaviors.
Thank you Jusa, Bunny, Positiva, fairy2, it is done, sincerely for cyber high fives– we are all in this together– the encouragement and honesty we are capable of sharing with each other makes all the difference as it is also exactly what the soc could not give and also took from us with deceit! We are a force to reckoned with and we are moving on and recovering– goes to show love is contagious and way more powerful and motivating then soc dysfunctional love bombs. We need to continue to love bomb each other and ourselves in truth, beauty & light. Thank you! It ain’t easy, but not being alone with this is everything. Even in our weakness and when we falter we are still recovering 😉 pace, EL — this community is getting very strong–together– Pos it’s all your fault!!!! 😉 EL
Prophette,
I’m on USA time.. Just wanted to also encourage you to bring friend ( don’t tell him) and be on your way somewhere so you don’t get gamed. Also be really boring. I mean it! Don’t be too pretty, sparkly or attention grabbing ( which goes totally against our normal mode of operandi) play down a little– as they target shiny, happy , colorful ( like toddlers) etc. like Pos said, No Emotions ( no supply) All bland and business is the way to get your pics and not engage. If you are bland, boring and business– his new target will hopefully (for you) be a much more enticing source of supply. BE boring and quick– fly inder the radar. Thank you and goodbye (with friend For sure). Boring is so important to lose these creeps. You know how past break ups– it’s always good to look your best when you see each other? Not the case with soc, it makes you too much of a source of supply. Pos would you agree? I just figured this out at the very end — my personality is vibrant– not so much now, but playing flat will quickly get you out of danger zone, as they will focus on shiny new supply 🙂 please pray yourself up before you see him and bring St Michael the Archangel with you! Let me/is know when and I will be praying you up at that very time if you would like. Be Blessed and Protected by God’s grace. EL
Hi EL,
Your message is so interesting, especially given another conversation I had with a friend today. She was a good friend of mine before I met the Soc, and after I started dating him, the two of them got along great and she was one of his biggest fans. Obviously after she saw how he treated me after the break up, she no longer had any respect for him, and has been very helpful to me as I went thru the various stages of grief. Anyway – when I spoke to her earlier today and told her about possibly having to meet up with the Soc, her reaction was “I would love to see the expression on his face when he sees you – he is going to totally realize what a huge mistake he made. He deserves to have to go through that. You won’t even have to open your mouth, and he’ll be falling all over you. He’s in for a huge shocker, he is so screwed!”
The reason she is saying this is bc I have changed a lot since he last saw me. Before our break up, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues and had gotten myself into a bit of a funk. I wasn’t taking care of myself, had gained some weight and was always in sweats and a pony tail. This would have been his last impression of me. Then – after the break up, I went thru such a big depression that I basically stopped eating for 4 months, and lost about 25 pounds. As I discovered he was a Soc, and started down the path of healing (thanks mostly to this site), I’ve been trying to take better care of myself. I eat regularly and properly, and even though I weigh 100 pounds, I look and feel healthy now. I work out – the yoga helps me both physically and mentally. I recently bought myself a new wardrobe bc everything else was huge. I threw away the frumpy sweats. I got my hair done. I keep myself looking good bc it makes me feel good. I carry myself with pride now bc I am on the path of recovery and I’m doing it! I look better now than even when he first met me.
Anyway – my point is that it’s so interesting to see the different feedback and advice from someone who has dated a Soc vs someone who hasn’t. She thinks him seeing me in my “new and improved state” is a good thing…whereas you know that while it may make me feel good to see his jaw drop, I’d actually just be asking for trouble. And this is why this site is so important – bc advice like yours totally makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to write to me…and for all your thoughts. If I do end up seeing him, I will definitely need all the help I can get. I will be taking you up on your offer, and will absolutely let you know if this is going to happen. You are so kind – thank you for being such an amazing person.
Prophette
I remember that smirk! It was right before I cut off contact, & the tracking & stalking started. It knew it was something ‘odd’, but I didn’t know what it indicated.
This is so true, the “smirk”, or with mine, it was more a sardonic grin with a sideways tilt of the head. That’s the way he looked the first time i ever met him, before re-connecting months later online. At the time I thought it was a good humoured smile. Yikes.
I have mentioned this somewhere else here, in another comment. For the first 5 weeks or so of us actually dating I found it disconcerting that I could never quite remember what he looked like, between dates and visits. I almost had to refresh my memory each time I saw him. I thought it was the strangest thing, I could not make sense of it. Then one day, aaahhh… sigh of relief, THERE HE WAS, head tilted sideways with that little grin or smirk. I realize now that that was his assessing look. For the first few weeks of our dating he had been trying to be someone else for me, and he looked nothing like the man I had first met in person, or the picture on his online proflle when we met again online.
He also had that stare. He would just lock eyes with me, and then nod “meaningfully”, but never saying what was on his mind. And I took it as a sign of our excellent non-verbal communication. Arrgghh!!!
Btw, the dead look in his eyes when hi discarded me was downright creepy.
I just want to add, sometimes I just shake my head at myself. If I were to watch a movie with the main character behaving the way he did during our whirlwind courtship and our (fortunately) short relationship, I would have all sorts of red flags going up, screaming for his female counter part to RUN!
I guess “love” IS blind, eh?
After reading your comments, it’s all coming back to me. My spath looked like several different people. It freaked me out back then. It felt weird, yet I did nothing about it. He doesn’t look anything like his I.d. He has different personalities which are alarming, aside from the lovely dovey charming one. NC for a week now, nothing in person for 6 weeks 🙂 Thank God!
Hi I live in the uk.
my ex is a pyschopathic narcissist:
He is extremly dangerous!!
He is a thief & prolific shoplifter
He is a pathological liar
compulsive/bored easily/eyes will glaze over if anyone is talking and its not about him.
He hits children
He will his children in the house alone.
HE will smoke cannabis in the house/bathroom with children present even when you ask him to stop.
He drives erratically/dangerous and has almost RUN people/children down on crossing
HE’S a deadbeat and WILL refuse to work.
He hates children but will feign he loves them as part of his mask to fool you into having them so he has you trapped.
criminal record for domestic abuse/violence.
police officers have told me he has AIDS(I’ve been tested,I am clear!).
Police tried to refuse him entry back into uk from france when we were once coming back from family holiday(happy times! Lol. They don’t last!!). Because they said he is a ‘criminal’ and they had charges/warrant on him, they were very vague, but remember the sicko can get away with anything even with authorities/professionals. There was the narcissistic rage then crocodile tears; crying no water falling from eyes. Me calming him down then we went thru.
Lies to other woman/women about you and vice versa.
leads double life. Wife/mistress; children with both plus other girls as supply & constantly, daily meeting new women for back up supply and to survive. They truly are empty.
stole money off his dad to buy his latest car!
His dad rang me starting slating him saying he is a rotten apple. A poser. He dosent care and wait for it he is a …DEVIL!!!! YES HE IS. I SEEN the black cold shark eyes, his eyes even change colour when he is hypnotising you. And that’s not good. Thats when you’re a gonna. He has got you brainwashed for the lifetime if you’re not able to escape after awakening.
He is a DIRTY SKANK. does not wash his clothes or bathe. Once bragged to me that he hadn’t had a bath in THREE whole weeks. Jeez! No wonder his feet stunk of cheese.
theres more. I could write volumes!!He has has a mother wound. He is a misogynist and HATES all women. Will pretend otherwise. You will see over time that he does. He hates and dosent allow your feminity & sexuality. He is jealous/envious of the female form.
His nickname is ‘bittas’ which means BITTER in jamaican patois.
He hasn’t seen his mum in about 13 years!
He has a painful relationship who also resembles a narcissist.
None of his siblings have a relationship with him. They all live abroad. None of them will even visit. They will say they are coming. Then dont come.
His mother when she talks is fake & over the top(likely a narcissist)
His parents abandoned him in childhood.
THIS PSYCHOPATHS NAME IS: ANDREW SEAN BROWN. He is 36 years old. D.o.b 21/5/1977. He is jamaican and a fake rastafarian. He wears the turban and will recite from the bible every Saturday morning for the 1st 6months to con you that he is spiritual so u will trust him. Then sucked in. The mask will come off after a year. Violent rages you will fight like cat n dog proper fist fights biting tearing scratching up. He loves it a violent ‘killer’. They want to squash you and mash u so if he decides to kill he can you will be weak. Or drive you to nervous breakdown, collapse or suicide. Or psychotic- one of his ex’s is a pyscho now he turned her into one. She is on rampage when she saw me and smashed my door down trying to see him. She was like a rabid dog. And addicted to him . We all were addicted to him but had to wean ourselves off of him. To survive. To live. Its life or DEATH. If you leave him or never go near him- YOU LIVE. If you stay with him-YOU WILL DIE. HE LIVES IN HELL. HE SAID SO HIMSELF! HE IS DEATH personified.
One other thing. He might go by the name sean andrew(swapping the first & middle name around) or he’s been known to use ‘john’. So be aware. Keep your guard up. Do NOT let him in. He is dangerous. A malignant narcissist and pyschopath/sociopath. Whatever you want to call it. He is evil. I was told of his personality disorder by a counsellor on a domestic abuse program he was attending for the 3rd time. He assaulted me while pregnant. And caused me a miscarriage @ 8 weeks. I went onto have four more children with him . I am able to love I am an empath and warm. He is without a conscience and able to love or receive love. They hate love and happy people. Because they cannot feel. At all. Only anger fear and envy. They want control and will manipulate you and brainwash you. Save yourself. Don’t go near. He should wear a sign around his. ‘STAY AWAY, I AM A PREDATOR’ ” I WILL DEVOUR YOU” WITH A FLASHING LIGHT. I am passionate about writing this post because I do not want anyone else being hurt or harmed like I was. They abuse and con to get into your life then suck all life from your soul. They r vampires.
He is is based in brixton, south london. But could be anywhere in thw the uk.
Wow. Almost identical to my ex but he also has hallucinations that spies are following him all the time. Dangerous driving, everything you said. Abused, SCARED and LIED constantly to me. Started hanging up the phone on me a lot, so I HAD to leave. Not taking it! Idk why I stayed in that position. I’ve left a fourth time recently. It got worse each time. Things would be easier if he were dead.
Your passionate post expresses how I feel. I feel like shouting. I can’t stand that he did not value me. I hate that it was a GAME to him all along…LITERALLY. I just want this pain and disappointment to go away. I love someone who is DEAD. He will never show that good guy again. Not ever 😦
Dating a Sociopath 
Yes, it’s a good video. My spath did all of those things he described down to the smile/grin and dead black eyes. My spath…what a joke!
Becky
“The truth will always prevail” – Unknown
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The smirk, the eye roll upwards!!! So true, every bit of it! It’s shocking!
She did that in court, when she filed false charges against me. Then she acted like we were just friends and I was stalking her..Which was exactly the opposite of the truth.
Best thing I got from Thomas Sheridan’s share of information…there maybe 4% of psychos out there…BUT there 96% of ppl who are NOT…that has to be hopeful.
Yes for sure 🙂
That wry smirk and them crazy eyes!!!!! Insane..
Positivagirl, first off your site is my number one recovery tool. Loaded with info, explanations, “armor” and even have gained some cyber world friends 🙂 I have watched Thomas Sheridans videos many times over. Everything is very helpful, to hopefully comprehend more fully what the heck just happened to us…lol! There is a video on the eyes alone! Creepy dark Manson eyes…like my spath! :p
Yes I only came across videos as a reader recommended them. This one did make me laugh. Is it meant to be funny?!!???
His book “Puzzling People- The Labyrinth of the psychopath is really good as well puts everything in such a simplistic way! The best £10 I ever spent!
OMG, I have never found anything on their dead eyes. Mine has dead eyes and always looks to the side when kissing me. As soon as we start to kiss his eyes look up and to the side. After I told him about it he looks at me now but his eyes are dark and they seem to look right through me not at me.
My now ex boyfriend just gave me “the eyes” on Friday, dec 6th. My ex husband had those same eyes so I’m quite familiar. The next day I was out and haven’t spoken since. He hasn’t even text or called. Odd to me since we text 20-50 times a day and at least 1 call at night. To him? I don’t even think he has noticed. Pretty sure he’s already on another date with his newest victim.
Needless to say I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow night.
When you say, “The Eyes” What do you mean by that? Is it like a look in their eyes that shows nothing, like empty eyes or something?
Sorry to pry, I just found your comment to be very interesting & was curious as to what you meant by that.
OMG! I am so dumb! You were referring to what he was saying in the video, I was doing a couple other things while listening to the video so I totally missed that part. I’m sorry. I just glanced at some of the other comments & realized that was a part of the song. My bad lol
good video thank you
good video thank you!
Oh yes, that smirk I got a lot. It wasn’t till the end that I really realised it meant he felt he’ed got one over me. And then I remember seeing it at other times, such as when he came home from work sometimes. Now I wonder, what was it he had done that day to give me that smirk? I can easily guess now the rose coloured glasses are gone. Along with that foreign smell. Yuck!
Pos, not sure if he is trying to be funny but there was definitely some things that made me laugh too. 😄
Can’t we start posting the sociopaths names and make a data base? I have been duped on and off again for 3.5 yrs. I will attest that your blog and the stories and blogs from the readers is what saved me and gave me the courage to leave. He has already started his game and is on match.com constantly lining up his new victims. He is a gross person and I wasted my time on him. However, I am far wiser and stronger because of the experience. Esalen. Thank you positive girl
OMG! That is such a good idea! I feel sick when I look at his friends list on facebook & see all his “ex girlfriends” (Ex Victims is more like it) & tonight I finally got the courage to say F U to him & even put on my fb post that the one thing I feel bad about leaving him for is that there is another girl, who doesn’t even know it yet who is about to become his next victim & have her world turned upside down & destroyed.
I really think that would be such a good idea to put like your city & state & the name so other girls (I guess sometimes guys too) can look & be warned!
Very genuine. Thank you for posting! Book sounds awesome and a necessary tool.
Love T.S, and that smirk/crooked smile along with the predatory stare still creeps me out — and also when I googled my soc there was one article he wrote about how homosexuality and faith cannot coexist — empty, changeable belief system — I def got a vibe also that he was involved with men & women —def jumping on bandwagon— and true at the end–I tend to be attracted to men who are willing to step up and take the lead, but 100% agree that the big lesson, hard and painful– is for me to truly love myself, embrace my strengths and challenges while building a life new and improved! I really do feel like I’m Being “schooled” in love/life and liberty! It’s amazing how there is continual stuff to learn emerging everyday since no contact! Up and onward for today…. EL
EL,
I hear ya. Why do I like being treated like crap, regularly lied to, somewhat used, mentally abused alternately with “Love” and good s**? I really feel he is into men as well….I’m serious. Always using some drug, scary moods at times, physically hurts me in a sneaky way (twist my arm, pinch, grab). I am sick of “liking” this crap!!
I don’t know if that is true about homosexuality and faith not existing? That would be to say people who are homosexuals dont have spiritual faith? I don’t believe that is true. I did date one who did the whole male female thing.
Wow! Positivagirl! You always amaze me! This video was really creepy to me. My SP had this grin, head tilt, stare, and eyebrow lift that was like nothing I had ever seen before. No one had ever looked at me like that, I thought it was a sincere, sweet look of love. However, now looking back after the devalue and discard stage I realize that his kind, gentle smile and sweet eyes were really a look of sarcasm and assessment. It is now eerily strange when I think of that look, it was an evil look in disguise. Also, I completely relate to the projection part that he discussed. My SP would complain so many things about his ex wife and then when he took his mask off, this was who he was, the person he complained about and said he was disgusted by. I mean specific things and all along it was him and I hated who he really was once the mask was gone.
Curious if anyone has read his book? Sounds good.
Also, to all my fellow SP survivors…I made a big step last night and I deleted / blocked him, the kids, family members, and mutual friends from everything and anything!!! This was a big step and it felt good.
Well done you for going full no contact. This will help you to feel you are taking back control. I haven’t read Thomas’s book, I plan to. I dont know If anyone else has?
Fairytale2nightmare,
This is awesome news! Stay strong, positive and mindful of your thoughts. You can do it! I watched all of Sheridans YouTube videos. Very helpful as my second source of support, apart from this site with Positivagirl.
They are good videos. Over the next couple of weeks am going to post some good videos here, while I work on the site. I am updating and writing on Facebook page. If you are on face book.
What is your facebook name? page?
Also, with the no contact is it normal to wonder if they are even trying to contact you or for it to make you feel bad that they haven’t cared enough to contact you? He claimed to love me so much to his family, but he doesn’t contact me. I end up contacted him and sometimes he briefly responds. I had to block him and everyone else and erase him completely because the rejection was to hard to bare any longer. Is the SP doing the silent treatment on purpose or is he just done? He claims he can’t because it hurts too bad. BS
There is a link to the page on the right hand side fairy. Or the Facebook icon at the top above search. Each brings you to the page. It’s called dating a sociopath. Sometimes it’s easier to put statements there or short videos than on the site.
If you use an app on your phone (I used one called blocker) all contact goes straight to that app. You can choose to look at it or not.
Hi fairy, in my case it is normal for them to do that. PHeonix rising as well. I got viciously discarded over five months ago in the middle of IVF. A long story but After the first 3 weeks of weirdness he went dead silent. Never heard from him again. If you read the post https://datingasociopath.com/2013/08/09/the-sociopath-silent-treatment/ by positivagirl it talks about this. Also, if u read the older comments, there is one by Aurelius – he is a sociopath and what he said struck a massive chord. I believe mine is done. He has found his next victim and I am now nothing. Forgotten. Completely discarded. Do I think he will come back? I think he doesn’t want to loose so it depends on wether his curiosity outweighs his stuborness. If he does, and he follows his pattern that he did with me, he would be living with her now and gaming mode would have started, it will be in the next five months. But he will get only silence.
My daughter’s father walked days after she died. From being happy and in love to nothing. Only explaination he said if she had lived sure we would have been ok. He never did speak to me again. Also read coping with pain after discard.
Mine went silent too. He wouldn’t even reply to my messages asking when he was going to move his stuff out, as he was living in my house before the break up. I sat amongst his things for 2 whole months, and then he finally arranged for a moving truck to come the week before Xmas – which is exactly what I was telling him I wanted to avoid bc I knew it would make the holidays harder. But that’s exactly what he did anyway. All my messages regarding other logistical matters either went unanswered, or he’d be totally passive aggressive. He too, said it was bc it was too hard to talk to me bc it hurt so much. Meanwhile, I found out that he had already met the next victim, so was obviously busy going thru the motions with her. In fact, the whole time I was sitting around amongst all his things crying my eyes out, he was already living with the new girl. Yuck. If I had known that, I’d have posted all his sh*t on Kijiji and made myself some fun money!
Anyway, as much as the silent treatment just about killed me at the time, it definitely opened my eyes to what an absolute heartless bastard he could be. It was partly the confusion over this silent treatment that led me to this site and other materials that helped me to realize what he was…
‘My’ sociopath did everything he said, totally recognise the smirk…which I had forgotten about! What is the reason for that?? I am 5 weeks no contact :)) tho waiting to see what he does next…horrible feeling
but I agree with Empathic Love…even tho it’s been no contact I am still learning a lot. Should I just let it be and not obssess over trying to figure out why he did what he did to me? I feel like I am spending my time trying to understand him and what sociopaths are etc.
Sammy, I think we all spend way too much time thinking about them, how it was…when it was good. We should spend time thinking about yourselves and what makes us happy and what we truly deserve. I wish I could only live by my words! With my SP he has still left me with that feeling of true love and I HATE him for it!!!
Hi sammy, I believe that we all need to deal with it in our own way. The main thing for me was to stop being so hard on myself, be kind to myself. When the final discard happened I was so intent that I would be over this in a month, that I didn’t give myself the chance to understand what had happened and and to grieve. Funny thing was, once I stopped beating myself up, I started to get through it quicker. I did as much reading on it as I could and here I am 5.5 months later still reading this site and listening and relating to people’s stories. However, I am now in the acceptance stage. I have come a long way, and I have learnt so much about myself in that time.
What we went through is not normal. I believe It is akin to loosing someone through death as it was so sudden, no build up and then they are gone forever (through both silent treatment and because they never existed) yet it’s a mind f$@k as the a-hole is still alive.
If i may offer advice, and as said, this is only through what has been working for me…Don’t be hard on yourself, accept this where you are in life, grieve, hurt, read, ruminate, cry, but through it grow, learn about yourself, look into what part of you allowed someone like this in your life. Loving someone is a good thing, but choosing the wrong person is not. That is what I did wrong. I choose the wrong person. Why? Because I choose someone like my dad, completely emotionally unavailable. I always said being with Nigel was like being home. I forgot how horrible it was after my mother died as my dad was/is an A-hole with a capital A. Just like home, I was kicked out when I no longer pleased him.
And keep busy. 😃
Peace
Hi Sammy,
Pos has written a great article on this site about the stages of grief. Unfortunately, we all have to go through an additional stage after coming out of a relationship like this, and it is called “Psychological Detective”. If you havent seen it, you should definitely give it a read.
Personally, I feel like this is a very important stage, bc before I could properly heal, I needed to understand what I needed healing from! Like It Is Done, I also thought I would be over the relationship in the typical “standard” time – but I just couldn’t bc I had so many questions and no real sense of closure (like I’ve had with other “normal” break up’s). I was left feeling so confused. Anyway – it was only after I fully understood him and how his screwed up mind worked, that I was able to take the blame and guilt off myself and instead focus on healing me.
As I’m sure you’ve figured out, with a Soc you need to find your own sense of closure. For me that came from educating myself about sociopathy. I have been out of this relationship for a year, but still come to this site regularly to continue to learn. These learnings have enabled me to continue to focus on getting myself better. Obviously it’s not healthy to obsess, but at the same time, I needed to understand what happened, so that I could move into the Acceptance stage…
@Prophette
Well said Prophette, I am in the same kind of phase like you. I continued learning about sociopathy and it’s everywhere not only in relationships. After I exposed my ex spath it was a final mental closure from my side (finally! after a year). After that I had a bit of depression phase again (as it was a real end without any further thoughts how I will expose him) but to my surprise it didn’t last too long (few weeks) and as for myself, I am noticing that I am now forgetting my ex spath. I am not forgiving him, I am forgetting him. I guess I realized what kind of mental issues he had. And it was not easy to see it, sociopathy is very covert. But, I guess just like with a new disease, first time is the hardest, but next time the body recognizes the “enemy” sooner and has antibodies ready 🙂 So are we now, better equipped to recognize them. Yes it can be disappointing to recognize that someone is a sociopath when you though he could be the next love, but better that then getting attached and then go through the same again.
So true that sociopathy is everywhere. I was just thinking that, in my parent’s day, they would’ve probably been called “shysters” or referred to as “not quite right”.
Omg….that how I felt. I hated him foe exposing me to such bliss in the beginning and then leaving/cutting me off like a hang nail. He moved out on a Wednesday and in with his newest victim on Friday. I kept crying ..thinking there must be some kind of mistake. He can’t really have forgotten about me so quickly. But he did…..just that easy!!
Thomas can you help me? Please email as I need your help, I am dealing with a sociopath.
Thank you.
It’s just a video. What help would you like?
Sammy,
I’ve been NC for only about 2.5 months. I’ve been allowing myself to feel and go through all the withdrawals/emotions/ confusion which have been so crazy making– but with each day I make recovery progress and let go a little more- in my case I really needed to get into counseling and support–the first step was finding this site and others to wake up & make sense of the pain & confusion which I never experienced before– and in the midst of much transition/change in life. I had to also go back to basics of sleep regular schedule, eat regularly & plan meals better, be super kind to myself — still doing this and still building. I went off the dating site that is we’re we met & he is still on ( unaware to other targets) all along I was reading & posting on this site– which has helped me to ground, encourage self care/love, and realize the truth of soc. I have just added in a gym membership — belly dance, Zumba and kickboxing are doing wonders for my spirit and soul while also having some much needed fun& release–detoxing soc right out along with sweat 😉 I made decision to work really hard in counseling to heal the wounds of my family of origin and PTSD to live a purposeful and full life with wholeness. The buck stops here. There is much I need to learn & grow –build for myself. I need to learn how to chose healthy, safe men too. I’m going slow, going through, determined to reclaim my life, recover and be my best self– trying to see all of this as opportunity to change my life for the better — weeding out toxic people, places and things. I am an over analyzer by nature– the more life I incorporate and the more I chose to love myself– the less I obsess over understanding the soc. But I feel alone with it at times, posting also helps me work it through. I pray for your peace & joy along with everyone else who posts here. Pace e Bene, EL
I am so proud of you!! 🙂 What a great example. Thank you for sharing EL 🙂
Ps
Getting rid of all the love bomb remnants has been helping too.. Ex. Letters, gifts, books, random unnecessary and meaningless crap as well – I don’t know where or why he gave me some of this stuff — I hate clutter!
EL,
I admire you sooo much right now. It is very encouraging. It had to be a challenge to get rid if the good romantic garbage. The lies they tell are so beautiful :p. You are another strong woman to bring me hope. I left twice and now I’m back again. It’s an addiction to a movie character, basically. My love is dying, watching him lie to my face, temper tantrums, physical roughness, disappearing acts for hours. I want out, told him to see other people (it’s what he doing anyway !). Yet here I am. I hope to get where you are very quickly EL! Great job! 🙂
EL, that is so great to hear! You are doing so well! go you!!!
I am also doing all of these things for healing… I have come far, even with my little set back loosing my job 2 weeks ago, I am still moving forward (with a slight backward step then, but feel im back on the right road again). in counseling today, she pointed out that on the occasions where he came up and I started ruminating, I would wave it aside myself indicating that it was of no importance. This is a big step forward.
Yay us!
Good for you EL! I just did the same thing! I am not sure if it was the right thing or not or if it broke the laws of No Contact! I gathered up all the cards, gifts, mementos, lingerie, his shirt he left for me to remember him by and the marriage license and I mailed it all to him! It made me feel better to be free from any of the memories that were lies. NC certainly helps, I can’t remember the last time I cried and I have gained so much clarity! I have not spoken to him or called him since Sept. 13, I have not texted in over a month, and last, I haven’t emailed in 2 weeks. I also deleted and blocked all family members from my phone and FB…even though I love all of them and it was hard..it was the right thing to do for me to move on…absolutely NO CONTACT…I don’t want to know what he is thinking or doing and he doesn’t deserve to even know I exist! One day closer to closure!!!
You are doing well today and definitely moving forward 🙂
I screwed up. Â I broke NC, and now I feel like crap. Â It started last night when I was speaking with one of my best girlfriends – we have been friends since we were 3 years old and have grown up together. Â Our parents were friends, and every Xmas Eve, we would get together and celebrate. Â As us kids became adults, we took over the tradition. Â We have spent the last 37 Eve’s together, and part of the tradition is to take a photo of all of us together by the tree. Â It’s amazing to see how much all of us have changed over the years, and how much larger the group has gotten as new generations were born. Anyway, my GF called last night to say she was putting together a collage of the last 37 Eve photo’s specifically for her Dad for Xmas. Â He has been diagnosed with cancer, and we’re not sure how many more Xmas’s we will be able to spend with him. Â Here’s her problem – she has every year except the last two. Â And that’s bc my Soc came with me those years and was designated photographer. Â
When the Soc and I broke up, I asked him to please send me all the photo’s from the three years we were together. Â He had the better camera, so he’d always play photographer. Â He promised he would, but he never did. Â I kept begging him to do this, but he’d just ignore me. Â For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why. Â It would only take him two minutes to copy them to an Internet site, walk away as the upload took place, and then email me a link. Â I pleaded with him as he not only had the Xmas pic’s, but also my family milestones – my grandmother’s 80th surprise party, my Dad’s side reunion after my godmother got diagnosed and survived lung cancer, and tons of pic’s and video’s of my tiny 4 pound cat who I had for 18 years and had to put down a year ago. Â I was heartbroken when he’d ignore my requests, but kept sending him messages asking. Â The last time I asked in the early summer, he finally did reply, but said that he’d drop off a hard drive to me, then I could copy it and he’d pick it up another time. Â I was so not interested in seeing him, that I sent a note back just asking him to do the website method. Â He of course went dark again. Â Shortly after, is when I did all my research and counselling and figured out he was a Soc. Â I found this site, and the article Pos wrote that said only ask for your stuff once, bc high likelihood they won’t send it, really hit home. Â
So – I’ve been no contact since the summer. Â Have been doing great, but do have the occasional tough day. Â When my GF called last night to ask if I could try and get the photo’s, what could I do? Â Her reasons for wanting them are so sad and so real…and these people are like family to me. Â I had to try. Â I thought I was strong enough to send a quick text, keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. Â And I sent a text. Â Nothing emotional, not giving him the reason why, just a simple note asking him if still had the photo’s saved, and if so, could he please let me know and arrange to send me a link. Â Silence.
I thought it wouldn’t bother me if he kept quiet, but it does. Â It reminds me of all the other times I tried reaching out and just kept getting ignored like a useless piece of trash. I feel miserable. Â And I regret it so much bc not only am I unable to help my friend, I feel like an a*shole for dating such a heartless prick and now I have to go back and admit to her that I still can’t get them…plus now I’m angry bc although I had to accept that I wasn’t ever going to see them again, my feelings are still hurt.
Hi Prophette,
I’m sorry that you are feeling down. Yes it is surprising when it rears it’s ugly head again. As you know I have had a slight glitch in my healing as well. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Your reasons were just. Unfortunately it has been a trigger for you. It brings up all the old feelings of hurt and pain and resentment and the ugly truth that he never cared. This is ok and very normal to feel this way. It was a very painful and traumatic time in your life that will never completely go away. But as you know it grows much dimmer and most importantly it is a life lesson and we learn from. But every now and then it slaps us in the face. This makes us human and shows that we are loving caring people. We just chose the wrong man.
Apart from the job loss, or maybe because of the job loss and sensitivity at the time, I also recently got triggered when i was in the super market and “our song” came on, the one that only 3 weeks before final discard he told me was going to be our wedding song. I felt sick and horrible and was holding back tears in the shop as the feelings washed over me again. I felt horrible for the rest of the day and some of the next. Surprisingly they faded quite quickly, I even realised today that the backward step I have taken with the job loss, is no longer backward and I am moving forward again.
Don’t be hard on yourself. You tried. He is an Arse. Your friend will understand. Be kind to you. Be aware that it is just a trigger but don’t run from it. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, loving woman. Don’t ever forget that.
xxx
Thank you It Is Done,
You’re right – it was a trigger. Having to remember all those photo’s also reminded me of the one’s of us – vacations, birthdays, Valentine’s, anniversaries, etc. Ugh. I really miss not having all the video’s of my cat (her name was Prophette). She was such a silly little thing and my best friend. 18 years I had that monster! He took so many video’s of us – he used to call us his “two girls”. It would just be nice to have them all. And you’re right – my friend will understand that at least I tried. She won’t be able to get her head around why he won’t give them to me bc she’s never had to deal with a Soc. I just feel like it looks so bad on me.
Sorry to hear about your supermarket trigger. Music is a tough one. I still find that I can’t listen to any music – and it’s been over a year! It used to be such a big part of our lives, as the Soc used to play the guitar. I’m glad to hear that you were able to get back on your feet so quickly – good for you 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind words. Now it was your turn to put tears in my eyes…your kindness means a lot.
Prophette
I know it hurts, my ex did something very similar, my son was 7 at the time and got my baby book from his father, telling me, I don’t know why daddy keeps your things? It’s a very sad and pathetic game. I am sorry. We will never understand who likes to be cruel to people intentionally?
Hi NIBSIH,
Thank you for your kind words. Can you believe even a 7 year old knows when they see someone doing something wrong? And yet these grown men think what they’re doing is absolutely right. That is so sad. You’re right – it is a sad and pathetic game. And now, in the interest of getting back what is mine, I have to play a bit of it too. These are sick individuals – being cruel comes so naturally to them, and that scares me…
We are here for each other Prophette 🙂 (I did wonder where your name came from :-))
I have a cat… her name is Lucy. She is also my everything and I know when I lose her that it would be hard to loose those wonderful pictures of her. She will always be in my memory though. She is only 12 though so i have a while yet. Touchwood!
My ex soc hated her. Hates cats…. according to his ex wife he kills them (I thought at the time she was exaggerating .. now not so sure). Lucy is certainly happy to have me back again to herself and sleep in my bed again. 🙂
Awwww – of course you have a cat, our lives seem to be identical in so many ways! I’m glad Lucy has you back to herself and if she’s only 12, you’ve got a long ways to go!
That’s horrible about your Soc if he really did hurt cats – but hurting animals seems to be one of the signs sadly. When I met my Soc and he found out about Proph, he said that he was a total cat person – but that he hated and could never be with a girl who had a dog. Well, guess what? The new girl he bought the house with has a dog….how’s that for mirroring? Probably told her he hated cats. What a loser.
Omg. They are such douche bags. I am still occasionally having those A-Ha moments. Infact this video talks about the smirk! Mine so had that. I realised that it was his ‘I’ve got one over you/ done something bad’ look but I only put it together after the split.
I am starting to really know that I am lucky I got away. Really believe it. Still not all the time but I’m getting there. X
A-ha moments are great. I get so many of those every time I read this site – and it helps to keep me grounded and on track. I hope my breaking of NC makes someone out there question themselves before they hit send. I was already close to 6 months NC and thought I was ready to brave it. Nope.
I don’t know if I will ever have contact with him again. I refuse to stay angry at him as that will only damage my own life (a previous ex i now think was a narcissist and I have held my anger to him for more than 10 years and all that got me was bad relationships and a raise to a sociopath!!!), and I will forgive him as it’s not his fault he is broken… however, I have no desire to speak with or see him again. Basically, I am not sure that it would achieve anything seeing him. He has nothing I want from him though. He does have our two years of photo’s but I can do without those as none of them were of anyone but us and his children and our dogs (that he kept). I do sometimes wonder if he will ever check back in to see if he has a chance to hoover but the door will be firmly shut. I hope I can be strong if he does.
However, after saying all that I recently discovered his ex wife’s Facebook page and I was tempted to anonymously contact her to point her in the direction of sociopathy. She is still hooked and I feel sorry for her and the children (whom i cared for very much). At the last minute I decided not to get myself involved as it would only reel me back in. I know that I am not strong enough yet.
I am truly sorry that you have lost these precious mementos. I just ope he stays silent and doesnt use this as a way to get back in. Be strong. I’ll help you be strong… after all you are my doppelganger in Canada 🙂
Hey prophet. I am sorry you are hurting. It must have been a tough call to contact him knowing that you might once again face rejection. Does nobody else have copies of these photos?
Realistically I doubt he has them anymore. If this helps to put your mind at rest, as I said before, If he was going to give it back he would. I doubt he has them. It’s a stupid game.
I know that it is a loss. But there are still 35 years. I am sure that your friend will understand and will build something beautiful anyway.
It is hard when you break no contact and they ignore as you have to start again back to day one of no contact. But this time with a wiser head.
Let go that he has those photos. He knew you wanted them and they meant a lot. He probably took joy disposing of them. I hope that this doesn’t hurt you. I just want you to know the truth x
Hi Pos,
Thank you – I’m grateful for your honesty. I would never dispose of 1000’s of photo’s that I knew meant a lot to someone – so it’s good for me to hear that there are people out there who would. I also would never have made someone beg for them and proceed to ignore them either. When he finally moved out of my house, that was the only thing I asked him for. He even said “don’t worry, I’ll get them to you, I wouldn’t hold them hostage”. And like an idiot, I kept begging for months, bc it was 3 years of my life after all – and I really didn’t think back then that he wouldn’t give them to me. Until I realized what he was.
And yes, it was a tough call to reach out to him again. I even had to strain my brain a bit to remember his number – thats how far down the NC path I had gotten to. I knew that the highest likelihood was silence, but I just figured that I had done so well with NC for so long, that I’d be able to handle it. Sadly, there are no other copies of the pic’s. And when I was with him, I wasn’t concerned about making copies onto my computer, bc we were supposed to be together forever, so why bother? What an idiot I was.
The fact that you say he took joy in destroying them doesn’t hurt me – it just makes me sick to think that this is what they do. Evil. I just have to accept that they’re gone. Thank you for putting this in black and white for me. Back to Day One NC I go.
I know. You know sadly, the only reason that I know this, is because my ex, took things that were associated to my dead daughter. Things that really meant so much to me, that could never be replaced. He knew this. He then faked that he would give them back, playing a cat and mouse game.
I wondered how anybody could be so cruel? He told me that he put them in the bin – he was angry with me. It is more likely that he sold the items for cash.
We did stay in each others lives for a long time afterwards. (me knowing he was a sociopath and he knew it too) but this was the one thing that I really struggled to forgive him for.
If I brought it up. He would say – well that was a long time ago.
I do understand how it feels to lose things of such personal sentimental value, that cannot be replaced.
I went through it with a few things, and the outcome was always the same.
Wouldn’t talk about it
Pretended it hadn’t happened
Tried to brush it under the carpet
Realistically they just don’t care. Last year I bought him a camera, as he liked photography (for Christmas) we weren’t together then – he sold it a couple of weeks later. For cash.
When I told him how disappointed in him I was, he just said ‘I don’t have the same values or morals as you’.
I would hate him to have that same hold over you, of you waiting for your things back. As this did happen to me, on numerous times. It never came back. It never would.
They like the control feeling, that you think that they have something of theirs that they want. But they don’t care about it. its just not important to them.
I know I can say this, as the sociopath was in my life for a very long time after we split. I know if he had cared (and he did care about some things) he would have talked about it. His response is – to just pretend it didn’t happen.
Oh Pos – that’s exactly what he has had, a hold over me! This is the one and only thing he has that I want, and he knows that bc I am very much a sentimental type. I probably made another mistake back when I was begging him for them and didn’t realize he was a Soc – I got so angry at him ignoring my requests that I sent him a scathing message saying to not bother sending through any of the pic’s of us bc I didn’t even want those, instead to only send me the one’s of my pet and my family. God – that’s probably the same day he hit delete on all of them, wasn’t it?
Your ex is a terrible man. I’ve read other things you’ve said about him. How could he take things that belonged to your daughter – and still be able to sleep at night? I couldn’t even imagine treating someone this way – no matter how much they hurt me.
Hi Prophette,
If you REALLY want those photos? This is one time you must play his game, his way. Play it, then get out. Text him back, saying you can understand if he feels it might be an imposition to upload and publish them to a website, but that you need them for an important family gift, and as such can just pull them off a disk or thumb drive (or whatever he has) if he wouldn’t mind dropping it in the mail? And say thanks and appreciate it. It doesn’t matter if you’re gagging while you text it. This isn’t a matter of principle, it’s a tactical matter and you need the photos. Period.
If he happens to think your niceness means more? Well, now that’s not really your problem.
Hi Jusa,
Do you think the “niceness” and telling him what it’s for – is what may work? I would think it’s easier for him to drag and drop them onto one of the freebie photo sites, rather than copy them to a device and have to bother with going to a post office and mailing it. I can definitely fake being nice through a text – it’s just his non response that hurts my feelings and then makes me want to stab him in the eye.
I don’t think it matters what’s easier. What we know is that this is what he was willing to do so it will look like an accommodation on your part, instead of trying to get him to do what you want. Their minds are funny. If he thinks it sounds like an opportunity and your anger with him is melting, he could believe you have ulterior motives that he’d want to encourage. I don’t know if letting him know that you really need them will help or hurt—that is really your call because it depends on the soc. If I was being nice, mine would do it; yours might enjoy seeing you want something and keeping it from you. Since you’ve already contacted him, I don’t think you have anything to lose by trying to get what you want… unless you think it could lead you into something, or that you are afraid you might be doing it to create an opportunity to talk to/see him. Doesn’t sound like you are, but I could be wrong.
Jusa – I see your point. And my Soc is definitely the type to get pleasure from seeing me want something from him. Nice typically pisses him off even more – bc as he’s told me in the past, it shows I’m able to get over him. And you’re right, I’m definitely not looking for an opportunity to talk/see him…he can just keep his Socio-ness to himself.
They’re so freaking complicating. In a normal break up, I would have asked for my pic’s once or twice and gotten them back. In a Soc break up, I’ve asked a thousand times, begged, pleaded and did the whole snot & tears play, still have nothing a year later – and now have to blog for support on a website. This is insane.
You have said it yourself. You have tried everything it has been a year. Nothing will change I don’t even believe he has them. He wouldn’t have your photos for a new victim to see, and know someone in the photo join up the dots they are very secretive.
Your reasoning that he is thinking like a non sociopath. You forget he doesn’t have empathy. He doesn’t care, if he feigned that he did care he would do it because he wanted something 😦 if you are no longer emotionally attached to him it doesn’t matter. If you are it really does. Ignoring you is a control mechanism it is giving him energy. And will leave you feeling depleted.
I am really concerned at this and think it will bring you pain. All socios are different. Most travel light they don’t carry things that connect their past. They dispose and move on 😦
Pos,
You’re right, and you’re right and you’re right again. That’s exactly how I feel – “depleted”, and all I’ve done is send him one text, after almost 6 months of hard work maintaining no contact. That one stupid 3 line text and not getting a response has exhausted me emotionally.
I do have a tough time grasping the concept of no empathy. Even as I was drafting it and being nice, I thought “he must feel bad to see me still asking for this a year later, so this time it’ll be different”. Wrong.
And yes, I did try everything – and you’re right, nothing has worked. He probably has deleted them. Your comment about not keeping them for a new victim to see just triggered a memory! One day I used his computer for something, and decided to snoop into his photo’s – and there were barely any of the girl he dated before me that I saved him from (bc she was a lunatic, of course). Anyway, I remember being surprised bc they had been together for 4 years, and he liked taking pictures, but there was barely any pictures of her/them. Then, bc I was in the throes of bombardment, I thought “eh, not a big deal. He probably deleted them bc she was an idiot, and now he’s got me”. Now looking back on it, there weren’t really any pictures of people at all – mostly just scenic stuff. Again, I remember getting bored and thinking the snooping wasn’t even worth it – but it also made me feel good thinking there were no skeletons in his closet. Boy, was I wrong. Thank you for reminding me of this – I had completely forgotten bc it felt so insignificant back then!
An A-ha moment! It’s amazing they keep coming even a year later. I don’t know how I kept making excuses for everything… There were so many. No wonder I turned into detective me.
I’m in agreement with Pos. it will only bring u pain. Xx
Phorphette, your comment “stab him in the eye” cracked me up!
Be very careful if you play this game, this is your sanity. I know those pictures are very important to you but as Pos said, he probably already ditched them.
Just be careful and don’t get dragged back in… you have come so far!
I am so not a violent person, but he just makes me so mental that I often find myself making crazy references!! The irony of it is that you’d laugh even louder if you saw me in person, bc I’m about 5 feet tall and weigh 100 pounds – where the Soc was over 6 feet, very muscular and towered over me. I could give it my all and take a running start towards him, and all he’d have to do is blow, and I’d probably fall over. The jerk.
Anyway, in response to your other note: It’s good that you’re not holding on to the anger. That would only be toxic for you – and he’s not worth it. As it relates to the anonymous message to his Ex, you totally made the right decision. When I heard about the new girl, I also wanted to send her an anonymous message – but then I read the post by Pos about why you shouldn’t do this, and so I backed off. I also took other advice from this site, and wrote down everything I would have said to her, but I didn’t send it. It was cathartic bc I was able to get it all out and I felt it was so well written and made complete sense…some of my best work! It took everything not to hit send and share this bloody masterpiece of mine. And then guess what? A few months later, I read it again and thought “yup, I sound like an absolute crazy girl”. Thank Gawd I didn’t send it.
And as it relates to being strong enough if your Soc comes a-hovering, yes – you absolutely will be. Because the first thing you’ll do is come here, and we’ll talk you off the ledge.
Your fellow Doppelgänger
Prophette
Hi Prophette,
Please don’t beat yourself up over this!! For Pete’s sake, these soc are professional takers!!! The take people, places, things, spirit, soul & hearts. They take liberties, sex, control, friends, family you name it. If its any consolation — the soc has a set of my car keys that I left inadvertently the last time I saw him. I haven’t contacted him about it, not wanting to draw attention – but occasionally I get suddenly anxious. In your case the pics effect history & others — but the pics though would be a nice gift — the bigger thing is the way soc have a way of breaking up continuity, of inserting emptiness in place of love, and mostly leaving big question marks in obvious places ( like the two otherwise meaningful Christmas ) and Christmas is about giving??!! So really, it goes to show in ironic and literal sense– how empty, incapable and ghost like they are. I agree and admit there is a sadness and acceptance here that I really struggle with. But for me it gives me more reality, proof, and concrete evidence of why we can not involve ourselves –we are real with ability to receive and give. They don’t understand receive they only know TAKE — he TOOK the pictures, but you still have amazing gifts to give to your friends/family– and this Christmas may be just the year to really appreciate, share and celebrate those gifts! It still hurts all the blanks — but now we know to fill the blanks with real love, joy– not counterfeit promises of soc’s. I wish you most Blessed Christmas this year and a really good snapshot too!! EL. Ps I’m praying and counting on your report;)
Aww EL – thanks so much for your kind words today! I was at work and reading them gave me strength and made me feel so empowered – and then I got the reply from him and got a bit derailed again…see update @ 2:39 am. I feel like I’m taking a pretty big risk here – and the reactions of Pos and It Is Done, two people whom I very much trust and who know my situation, show that this is indeed a gamble.
While I want this to be a simple exchange of photo’s, I have to remember that it most likely means something different to him. He is not doing this out of the goodness of his heart – bc I now know his is made of stone. As I’ve learned here, they only do things for their own benefit – and if his goal is to try and make me crazy, I need to be very careful.
Thank you for replying and keeping me in your thoughts – I am so touched.
Hi Prophette,
How are you doing today? (Or last night as it would be in Canada right now 🙂 ) I was thinking about you and I hope that you are feeling a little better. Was also having a giggle about my doppelganger in Canada being 5ft… im on the other end of the scale… I’m 5ft10!
🙂
Everyone! He actually replied! I’ve been dying to get home to get on my computer to tell you guys. He sent me a note a today saying that he would copy all the photos onto an external hard drive, and then be in touch soon to make arrangements to meet and give it to me. At first I was hooting and hollering from excitement! Then reality set in and I realized that this option means I need to actually see him. Twice. Once to get the drive – and another to give it back when I’m done copying it.Â
When I used to ask him for them before – and he wanted to bring me over a hard drive, Â I used to suggest he post them onto a freebie site, so then I’d just have to log in and download onto my computer. Easy peasey – and then I wouldn’t have to see him. But every time I suggested this option, he would get pissy and go back to Silent Mode. Â
Now he’s suggesting the same meet up option. I’m scared to ask for web delivery again, bc what if he goes dark again. I don’t know why he insists on going with this option – it’s inconvenient for him to drive into the city to get it to me…and plus he’s just recently moved into a new house with the new girl. Ugh. The thought of having to physically see him, gives me anxiety. But I really want those pics. Do I just suck it up and agree to see him?? Â
Well, you have been through enough already. If the photos mean that much to you. Then fine.
But make sure that you time frame it. So that he doesn’t drag it on giving you false hope and then he has control again. Please. Tell him a date that you need them by (as the collage has to be made)
Time framing it – will give you the opportunity to know if he is jerking you around.
I hope you get them back Prophette 🙂
So, reply and say this is great news thanks. I need them by (whatever date) when is good for you?
Suggestion – do not download on to personal computer, go to Walmart, Costco whatever, have it copied onto CD. Could be loaded with spyware. Sorry it’s the paranoid in me. I can’t help it, considering I am making an appointment with Apple and having my iPhone and iMac looked at.
Oh my goodness, Normal! Do you know what he does for a living? He sells security software to major organizations like Financial Institutions and the Government. So – in addition to the typical anti-virus and anti-spyware products, he also sells tracking software so that these organizations can see when their employees commit any fraud, security breaches, assist in terrorist financing, make copies of confidential doc’s, etc.
I didn’t even think about this! What an idiot I am. If there’s one thing this site keeps reminding me, is to never trust them. I’m so busy worrying about the emotional stuff, I’m forgetting the logistical. Your advice is fantastic – and I will definitely take it if I do indeed get the drive. Thank you!!!
Hey Pos,
Won’t he rebel against her trying to control the time and place? wont he need to be in control of it all?
Whatever you do Proph, make sure that as soon as he gives you the disk that you can get away. Take a friend with you… just dont’ tell him you are bringing someone with you.
He will try and hoover you back in. I have no doubt. Maybe find out what type of drive he puts it on and give him a replacement there and then so that you don’t have to see him again.
Be very very very careful my friend. Do not underestimate these a-holes.
good luck. xxx
Well if she says that they have to be there to do the collage – it sounds like it is a genuine reason and not controlling him. It would sound like she is being given a deadline.
Time framing it…. doesnt allow him to play games or control.
Make the time frame reasonable like within the next two weeks she has to have them ….
If he spends next two weeks messing around, you would know. As they do that, stalling for time and just generally jerking you around for fun. Esp when they know it is something that they want.
also he might see it as an opportunity to get a foot in the door again.
Pos & It Is Done,
I like the time frame idea. For all I know, he’s just dangling this carrot for attention, and has no interest in following through – just like every other time. I also agree with being able to get away quickly…I don’t want to allow enough time to get glammed by him again – bc he is the epitome of the charismatic Soc. I am so not happy about the idea of seeing him right before the holidays…they’re already giving me anxiety. Ugh. Thank you both for replying so quickly. I hope he doesn’t think he’s getting his foot in the door – that’s just sick, as he only just moved into the new house with the new victim within the last month. Could he be bored already?? These people are horrible.
Mine started gaming almost immediately after I moved back in… As soon as he “had me under his control again” he started gaming… your timing may be perfect for him… just go in eyes wide open. Take a friend. Please. It would make me feel happier knowing that you had a friend with you. xx
Gawd – how I wish I could take one of you! At least this way if I was getting glammed, you guys would recognize the signs, clobber him and get me out of there. One thing is very clear by your guys messages today, and that is that I need a plan. And a very good one.
By the way – thanks for checking in on me today! So sweet! I was typing you guys my update when i saw it, and it already made me feel so much better. The first reaction I had when I got his note today, was “I need to talk to my online friends right away” – but then my stupid smart phone wasn’t being very smart, and I couldn’t post anything. And I didn’t want to use my computer at the office – the last thing I need is to get busted by the IT Police for blogging on an anti-soc site. Imagine.
Quick rule list
1. You keep the control. Time frame it when you need it by. Use the excuse that you are being given a time frame
2. Expect that he will let you down
3. Allow him to arrange to do it over any time during the time frame (which can be any time that you want) I would think 2 weeks is reasonable. Or say that you have to get them to her within two weeks, so any time that is good for him up to two days before that date. This lets him think that he is in control
4. Treat it as a business transaction – do not display emotion
5. Once the two weeks has passed. Let it go. if he has them, two weeks is plenty long enough to get them to you (he has had a year)
Pos,
I love it – this is just what I needed, a to-do list. One that I cannot and will not stray from. I am going to print this and stick it on my fridge. The minute things start going sideways, I will tear it down, and once again say goodbye to my pics. The sooner I get this business started, the sooner I can go back to NC. My goodness, opening up this door has given me so much anxiety and grief, that I miss the peace that came from all the months of NC. As much as they were hard, they’re certainly a lot easier than this. NC is such a safe zone. In NC, you are not vulnerable. Wow – this is such a huge lesson for me. I am so going to fully embrace NC when this is done.
Thank you so much – for my list and for this site. I could not cope without all of you by my side. Honestly.
Yes a plan is a good one. These are only my thoughts, I am no expert… but I would suggest short and sharp. In and out. No having dinner, no romantic walks. Meet, get the photos, leave. If you have to have a coffee, scull it and run. This is not about catching up and reminiscing … this is about the photos… don’t forget that. Once you have them, keep firmly in your mind that it’s back to no contact. xxx we are here for you xx
and take a friend!
Trust me – I won’t be doing anything before running it by this group first. One of my besties called me in the car when I was driving home from work, and when I told her about his reply, her first question was “what do your Soc-site friends say to do?”. Even they all know you guys are the one’s to give the best advice 🙂
Pos is our resident expert, so I’m going to start by replying to him with the message she suggested…incorporating a thank you and a two week timeline. For all we know, this alone will get his endorphins going and he could just go dark again. If he does indeed try and set up a meet, I don’t think I’d go friendless, if only bc I’m too accountable to you guys and wouldn’t be able to lie to you!
Thomas made a good point about those micro-facial expressions which sociopaths use. Another is his comment about politicians. Personally, I believe any candidate for public office should have to undergo a personality assessment such as the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2 to eliminate pathological behaviors.
I agree with this Vikki. There are a lot of psychopaths in power in the UK.
Thank you Jusa, Bunny, Positiva, fairy2, it is done, sincerely for cyber high fives– we are all in this together– the encouragement and honesty we are capable of sharing with each other makes all the difference as it is also exactly what the soc could not give and also took from us with deceit! We are a force to reckoned with and we are moving on and recovering– goes to show love is contagious and way more powerful and motivating then soc dysfunctional love bombs. We need to continue to love bomb each other and ourselves in truth, beauty & light. Thank you! It ain’t easy, but not being alone with this is everything. Even in our weakness and when we falter we are still recovering 😉 pace, EL — this community is getting very strong–together– Pos it’s all your fault!!!! 😉 EL
Prophette,
I’m on USA time.. Just wanted to also encourage you to bring friend ( don’t tell him) and be on your way somewhere so you don’t get gamed. Also be really boring. I mean it! Don’t be too pretty, sparkly or attention grabbing ( which goes totally against our normal mode of operandi) play down a little– as they target shiny, happy , colorful ( like toddlers) etc. like Pos said, No Emotions ( no supply) All bland and business is the way to get your pics and not engage. If you are bland, boring and business– his new target will hopefully (for you) be a much more enticing source of supply. BE boring and quick– fly inder the radar. Thank you and goodbye (with friend For sure). Boring is so important to lose these creeps. You know how past break ups– it’s always good to look your best when you see each other? Not the case with soc, it makes you too much of a source of supply. Pos would you agree? I just figured this out at the very end — my personality is vibrant– not so much now, but playing flat will quickly get you out of danger zone, as they will focus on shiny new supply 🙂 please pray yourself up before you see him and bring St Michael the Archangel with you! Let me/is know when and I will be praying you up at that very time if you would like. Be Blessed and Protected by God’s grace. EL
Hi EL,
Your message is so interesting, especially given another conversation I had with a friend today. She was a good friend of mine before I met the Soc, and after I started dating him, the two of them got along great and she was one of his biggest fans. Obviously after she saw how he treated me after the break up, she no longer had any respect for him, and has been very helpful to me as I went thru the various stages of grief. Anyway – when I spoke to her earlier today and told her about possibly having to meet up with the Soc, her reaction was “I would love to see the expression on his face when he sees you – he is going to totally realize what a huge mistake he made. He deserves to have to go through that. You won’t even have to open your mouth, and he’ll be falling all over you. He’s in for a huge shocker, he is so screwed!”
The reason she is saying this is bc I have changed a lot since he last saw me. Before our break up, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues and had gotten myself into a bit of a funk. I wasn’t taking care of myself, had gained some weight and was always in sweats and a pony tail. This would have been his last impression of me. Then – after the break up, I went thru such a big depression that I basically stopped eating for 4 months, and lost about 25 pounds. As I discovered he was a Soc, and started down the path of healing (thanks mostly to this site), I’ve been trying to take better care of myself. I eat regularly and properly, and even though I weigh 100 pounds, I look and feel healthy now. I work out – the yoga helps me both physically and mentally. I recently bought myself a new wardrobe bc everything else was huge. I threw away the frumpy sweats. I got my hair done. I keep myself looking good bc it makes me feel good. I carry myself with pride now bc I am on the path of recovery and I’m doing it! I look better now than even when he first met me.
Anyway – my point is that it’s so interesting to see the different feedback and advice from someone who has dated a Soc vs someone who hasn’t. She thinks him seeing me in my “new and improved state” is a good thing…whereas you know that while it may make me feel good to see his jaw drop, I’d actually just be asking for trouble. And this is why this site is so important – bc advice like yours totally makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to write to me…and for all your thoughts. If I do end up seeing him, I will definitely need all the help I can get. I will be taking you up on your offer, and will absolutely let you know if this is going to happen. You are so kind – thank you for being such an amazing person.
Prophette
I remember that smirk! It was right before I cut off contact, & the tracking & stalking started. It knew it was something ‘odd’, but I didn’t know what it indicated.
This is so true, the “smirk”, or with mine, it was more a sardonic grin with a sideways tilt of the head. That’s the way he looked the first time i ever met him, before re-connecting months later online. At the time I thought it was a good humoured smile. Yikes.
I have mentioned this somewhere else here, in another comment. For the first 5 weeks or so of us actually dating I found it disconcerting that I could never quite remember what he looked like, between dates and visits. I almost had to refresh my memory each time I saw him. I thought it was the strangest thing, I could not make sense of it. Then one day, aaahhh… sigh of relief, THERE HE WAS, head tilted sideways with that little grin or smirk. I realize now that that was his assessing look. For the first few weeks of our dating he had been trying to be someone else for me, and he looked nothing like the man I had first met in person, or the picture on his online proflle when we met again online.
He also had that stare. He would just lock eyes with me, and then nod “meaningfully”, but never saying what was on his mind. And I took it as a sign of our excellent non-verbal communication. Arrgghh!!!
Btw, the dead look in his eyes when hi discarded me was downright creepy.
I just want to add, sometimes I just shake my head at myself. If I were to watch a movie with the main character behaving the way he did during our whirlwind courtship and our (fortunately) short relationship, I would have all sorts of red flags going up, screaming for his female counter part to RUN!
I guess “love” IS blind, eh?
Carmen,
After reading your comments, it’s all coming back to me. My spath looked like several different people. It freaked me out back then. It felt weird, yet I did nothing about it. He doesn’t look anything like his I.d. He has different personalities which are alarming, aside from the lovely dovey charming one. NC for a week now, nothing in person for 6 weeks 🙂 Thank God!
Hi I live in the uk.
my ex is a pyschopathic narcissist:
He is extremly dangerous!!
He is a thief & prolific shoplifter
He is a pathological liar
compulsive/bored easily/eyes will glaze over if anyone is talking and its not about him.
He hits children
He will his children in the house alone.
HE will smoke cannabis in the house/bathroom with children present even when you ask him to stop.
He drives erratically/dangerous and has almost RUN people/children down on crossing
HE’S a deadbeat and WILL refuse to work.
He hates children but will feign he loves them as part of his mask to fool you into having them so he has you trapped.
criminal record for domestic abuse/violence.
police officers have told me he has AIDS(I’ve been tested,I am clear!).
Police tried to refuse him entry back into uk from france when we were once coming back from family holiday(happy times! Lol. They don’t last!!). Because they said he is a ‘criminal’ and they had charges/warrant on him, they were very vague, but remember the sicko can get away with anything even with authorities/professionals. There was the narcissistic rage then crocodile tears; crying no water falling from eyes. Me calming him down then we went thru.
Lies to other woman/women about you and vice versa.
leads double life. Wife/mistress; children with both plus other girls as supply & constantly, daily meeting new women for back up supply and to survive. They truly are empty.
stole money off his dad to buy his latest car!
His dad rang me starting slating him saying he is a rotten apple. A poser. He dosent care and wait for it he is a …DEVIL!!!! YES HE IS. I SEEN the black cold shark eyes, his eyes even change colour when he is hypnotising you. And that’s not good. Thats when you’re a gonna. He has got you brainwashed for the lifetime if you’re not able to escape after awakening.
He is a DIRTY SKANK. does not wash his clothes or bathe. Once bragged to me that he hadn’t had a bath in THREE whole weeks. Jeez! No wonder his feet stunk of cheese.
theres more. I could write volumes!!He has has a mother wound. He is a misogynist and HATES all women. Will pretend otherwise. You will see over time that he does. He hates and dosent allow your feminity & sexuality. He is jealous/envious of the female form.
His nickname is ‘bittas’ which means BITTER in jamaican patois.
He hasn’t seen his mum in about 13 years!
He has a painful relationship who also resembles a narcissist.
None of his siblings have a relationship with him. They all live abroad. None of them will even visit. They will say they are coming. Then dont come.
His mother when she talks is fake & over the top(likely a narcissist)
His parents abandoned him in childhood.
THIS PSYCHOPATHS NAME IS: ANDREW SEAN BROWN. He is 36 years old. D.o.b 21/5/1977. He is jamaican and a fake rastafarian. He wears the turban and will recite from the bible every Saturday morning for the 1st 6months to con you that he is spiritual so u will trust him. Then sucked in. The mask will come off after a year. Violent rages you will fight like cat n dog proper fist fights biting tearing scratching up. He loves it a violent ‘killer’. They want to squash you and mash u so if he decides to kill he can you will be weak. Or drive you to nervous breakdown, collapse or suicide. Or psychotic- one of his ex’s is a pyscho now he turned her into one. She is on rampage when she saw me and smashed my door down trying to see him. She was like a rabid dog. And addicted to him . We all were addicted to him but had to wean ourselves off of him. To survive. To live. Its life or DEATH. If you leave him or never go near him- YOU LIVE. If you stay with him-YOU WILL DIE. HE LIVES IN HELL. HE SAID SO HIMSELF! HE IS DEATH personified.
One other thing. He might go by the name sean andrew(swapping the first & middle name around) or he’s been known to use ‘john’. So be aware. Keep your guard up. Do NOT let him in. He is dangerous. A malignant narcissist and pyschopath/sociopath. Whatever you want to call it. He is evil. I was told of his personality disorder by a counsellor on a domestic abuse program he was attending for the 3rd time. He assaulted me while pregnant. And caused me a miscarriage @ 8 weeks. I went onto have four more children with him . I am able to love I am an empath and warm. He is without a conscience and able to love or receive love. They hate love and happy people. Because they cannot feel. At all. Only anger fear and envy. They want control and will manipulate you and brainwash you. Save yourself. Don’t go near. He should wear a sign around his. ‘STAY AWAY, I AM A PREDATOR’ ” I WILL DEVOUR YOU” WITH A FLASHING LIGHT. I am passionate about writing this post because I do not want anyone else being hurt or harmed like I was. They abuse and con to get into your life then suck all life from your soul. They r vampires.
He is is based in brixton, south london. But could be anywhere in thw the uk.
Verity,
Wow. Almost identical to my ex but he also has hallucinations that spies are following him all the time. Dangerous driving, everything you said. Abused, SCARED and LIED constantly to me. Started hanging up the phone on me a lot, so I HAD to leave. Not taking it! Idk why I stayed in that position. I’ve left a fourth time recently. It got worse each time. Things would be easier if he were dead.
Your passionate post expresses how I feel. I feel like shouting. I can’t stand that he did not value me. I hate that it was a GAME to him all along…LITERALLY. I just want this pain and disappointment to go away. I love someone who is DEAD. He will never show that good guy again. Not ever 😦