When you feel like taking your life (suicide) after dating a sociopath or narcissist

 If you feel that you have lost ‘everything’ if you feel that there is nothing to go on for. Please do one thing – read this post before you attempt to take your life. Reading this post won’t take too much of your time. 

Ending of the sociopath relationship, can feel like a bereavement - go gentle on yourself.
Ending of the sociopath relationship, can feel like a bereavement – go gentle on yourself.

Also watch this video: (Thank you for sharing It is done) http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2011/s3321222.htm

When I was at the lowest ebb of my life – I saw a message. I think it was on Facebook. The message simply said

You are never given more in this life, than what you can carry

I swallowed hard, and thought ‘what a joke’. My heart was broken. I was so traumatized, that the future was literally a white space. Worse, the person that I ached to be with was my daughter who was in heaven. I also so wanted to be her mother. Her father had also left days after her death and refused to speak to me. I felt like they had both died.  In a microsecond, my life, my future and everything that I had held dear to me, was taken away. There was NOTHING that I could do to change a thing. I had lost all hope. My future was gone, and I was afraid to face what was next to come in my life.  This feeling, just made me feel that the only logical solution would be to not be here anymore.

How could I possibly face the future? Fear froze me, causing paralysis.  I was so frightened of both the present and the future the fear felt unbearable.  On top of this, I had verbal abuse via text from the narcissist psycho who had groomed me. I felt that I had little to nothing left to live for.  The light had gone out. The hope was gone. I felt that there was not one thing left to hold onto. Without hope, I felt that I had nothing.

I recall around this time, in desperation, just for some hope, for anybody to say to me, that ‘it would get better’ or even that ‘this pain would soon go’

Someone said to me around this time, as I sobbed

‘I have lost everything, I have nothing left’.

The response was a blunt, simple, but honest one.

You haven’t lost everything, you still have yourself?

This response, at the time felt like an insult. Looking back, they were very wise words, and also incredibly true. I just couldn’t see it at the time.

I was still traumatised, had severe PTSD (but didn’t know this at the time), I couldn’t actually see further than a few days ahead. The rest was a white space. It was a frightening experience.

As time wore on and things felt worse, my hope diminished. I felt that I had nothing left to live for anymore.  I spoke to a friend, and explained how I was feeling. She was clearly at a loss to help, and must have called the police. Half an hour later, I heard a knock at my front door.  The police had arrived at my house. They asked me questions in the kitchen, even though I tried to persuade them that I was ok, they called my friend who urged them to make sure that I was safe.

When we are at our lowest point, it is difficult to think straight.  Around you are darkness, and you lose sight of hope, or that anything will ever get better.

What was to happen on this day was to be an important life lesson to me about suicide.

At that time I felt

  • Traumatised
  • Hopeless
  • Full of fear and anxiety – about my life today – and what comes next
  • Frightened
  • Tired and exhausted
  • Alone
  • Angry
  • Cheated
  • Believing that I would, and my life would always be this way

It felt quite surreal, as I sat in the back of the police car on the way to the station.  I was placed (as all people who get taken in) into a police cell. This seemed outrageous to me.  The police reassured me that I had done nothing wrong, and that I was not in trouble.  My heart sank, as I was handed a blanket, and as I walked towards this hard bench in a white cell, I heard the clunk of heavy keys click as the door locked behind me. My heart ached and I wondered, just how did my life get this way, only months ago, I had felt happy, in love, in a new home, and expecting our baby. Now – my life had came to this?

As a spiritual person, I have always had fairly strong spiritual beliefs. I do not know if these beliefs are true, they are my own personal beliefs (I understand that not everybody has them). I had always had the following beliefs about suicide – this was either taught to me in spiritual church, or things that I had read over the years. I guess this was my own belief system of what happens after you take your life.

These thoughts flashed through my head whilst I sat in the cell, staring at the white tiles on the wall. As the time passed (although I had no real concept of time, there was no clock, no watch, and nothing else to tell the time) Without ANYTHING that was tangible in my life. REALLY HAVING NOTHING…I suddenly thought woaooah….. This might be EXACTLY what it is like to be dead. Nothing…. Just a white space…. I might be stuck there in this white space, until it would have been my time to die on earth. Or I would have to learn the painful lessons I would have learned down here in this lifetime, up there in spirit. I knew that this could take longer. I knew that lessons are quicker to learn on earth than they are in the spirit realm.

Do you know how it felt, actually knowing that you CAN’T pick up the phone to call somebody? You can’t do that when you are dead.

I do not really know what I conceive ‘God’ to be. But if ever there was a time, that I had connection to spirit, this was one of those times. All that I had was this white space, myself and a bench. With everything in my world taken away – It forced me to bring back to focus, what I still HAD left in this world. I thought what if this was a similar experience to how ‘death’ was?  if it was, is this what death could look like if I took my life?…. just nothing, a white empty space?

I think I needed to have everything taken away from me. People, family, friends, physical things, my home, my material possessions, the outdoors, the arts, literature, the freedom to travel, to work, to create, to achieve, to overcome challenges. Right then, at that moment in my life, this white space of ‘nothing’ was all that I had.

The longer that I sat there, without being able to connect to anybody and I started to miss things that I had in my life. I couldn’t call my friends or family (right then, at that point – I wanted to, but I couldn’t). I thought, what if I could never make another call ever again, have those people hear me, answer me back, if I was never able to say goodbye or to speak to them? Just to give them a hug? To never watch a comedy show, go to the theatre or an art gallery? I realised at that point…. if this was all that there was. This was really the point, where hope had gone. Despite the white space, there was little else.

Right then, at that moment, as everything was taken away from my life – It made me realise all that I did have in my life. I had a bed to sleep in that was comfortable. It wasn’t like this cold bench in the cell. I had a warm bed coverings and a comfortable sofa. I could have a bath.  I was free to go for a walk in the park, and see the seasons change. These were things in my life that I KNEW. I knew that these things were here, I just never valued them. Or at least I didn’t until they were taken away.  I realised that taking my life, would be more of a trip to the unknown, than if I were to stay here.

My thoughts were cast back to earlier in the year when my own daughter died. I thought of  my daughters funeral. I felt a sense of responsibility and pain for others grief. I realised that as they hadn’t met my daughter – that this was an outpouring of grief for me. It was as if I had already attended my own funeral.  I had been surprised. I didn’t know so many people cared.  I thought – I would hurt those people too if I took my life. This felt an overwhelming burden and sense of responsibility.

I sat in the empty cell for all of those hours (which felt too long) and this forced me to contemplate my own life and the value of my life. In the short space of time that I had sat in that cell (which was around 5-6 hours) I was starting to miss things, which I had taken for granted and the longer I sat in the white space, the more that I realised that I wanted to get out of here, so that I could go home, and make a call, to speak to somebody. So that I could curl up in my bed, or have a hot bath. Listen to music, light a candle, I realised that I had the power to do whatever I wanted to. I could create my own life. I had far more than I realised. The ride in the car home, I felt like a person that had just been through a life lesson like Ebenzer Scrooge in the film The Christmas Carol.  The pain in my heart was still there. I couldn’t change what had happened. But I also realised, that being here, at least I did have the opportunity and choice  to change my life.

I knew it wasn’t my time to die. What if I had given up and taken my life in 2010? If I had, this website wouldn’t exist. By me, not taking my life, I am able to write this website. This is what I say to you, if your life is so bad, if you are stuck in the fear. Please remember this:

There is nothing that you cannot overcome. There is nothing in this life that is so frightening that you cannot survive it. Do you know, that when you overcome adversity and when you overcome something that you cannot bear, when the pain is just too much to go on…This will be the time that you look back at, and realise that YES you changed. You will look back at a stronger you, that you are far stronger than the person that you were before, and will be thankful that it happened. Yes that is right THANKFUL THAT IT HAPPENED!!! You just cannot see it at the time when you are in it, unless like me, you are forced to see it.

Even if you feel that you have NOTHING…. if you feel that you have nothing left to live for, nobody to talk to and nothing to start your life with. I want you to remember – that you still have you and you will also have your story. One day your story – might just save someone else’s life. 

Don’t give up. You never know what is around the corner. Don’t quit before the best has happened!!! Today I am happy. I am glad that I went through what I did. It was good to go through the rain – as now I can enjoy the sun when it shines. Whilst I lived in a world of darkness, this was ok, as it made me truly smile from the inside, when the sun started to shine through again.

All that you need is HOPE…. and I hope that this post can offer you some. Of course, yes, I still went through some rough times. Only this time, I reached out to others and asked for help.

If you feel that you are at risk of taking your life. Please DO talk to someone. You are not alone. You do not need to be alone. If you give up now, you could be giving up on what is the best time of your life. If I had given up that year in 2010 – I would have missed my granddaughter being born 18 months after my daughters death. Still, today – hearing her little voice, makes me smile a smile from the inside, that in 2010 I never thought was possible. You never know what miracle lies just around the corner.  Are you going to risk missing it? You do not know what your future holds.  Just know that whatever it is, it will be right for you.

  • Faith
  • Hope
  • Trust
  • Belief

If life feels overwhelming, focus on what you do have, and what you CAN change.  You always have the ability to change you!!

Please seek help. Speak to someone. See a health professional who can help you to work through how you are feeling. As how you are feeling right now – might not be how you would feel in the future – and you might miss the best of your future!!  If you were successful at taking your life – once you have gone – it is too late, you can’t change your mind and come back. I was lucky – I could leave the police cell, and come back to my ‘life’.   This was at least ‘hope’.

I can honestly say that since this time, I have been through some rough times. But, never ever once did I think about taking my life again. Not ever. I don’t think I ever will again. No matter what life throws at me, I will get through. You can too. It is now time to be a survivor, not a victim.

If you are feeling at risk of taking your life, if the pain feels unbearable, PLEASE…. just call a number in your area, of a phone number – someone who can listen to you. After you make the call, you might not feel like taking your life.

One day – in the future…. when life is better, you will look back, and think – ‘thank god I didn’t’.

NOBODY is worth taking your own life for. Sociopaths and Narcissists are excellent at making you feel worthless, abandoned and alone, and that your life will never get better. This is not true. Don’t think that taking your life will make them feel sorry, it won’t. Realistically, not all suicides are successful. Many attempts can cause lifelong damage to you, and to your internal organs. You might still live, but your life could be much worse, and more difficult.

Here are some places to contact – if you are in other countries in the world, please can you let me know help information,  so that I can add to the list.

UK (please Google the number for your local area phone No, as the National Number is an 0845 number)http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you?gclid=COqliN7gkLsCFcUSwwodonAAHQ

USA http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

Australia http://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/

Canada http://www.suicidehotlines.com/canada.html

Malaysia +603-79568144

 Max Ehrmann, “Desiderata”Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013

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170 thoughts on “When you feel like taking your life (suicide) after dating a sociopath or narcissist”

  1. I love this. Lots of hugs, Pgirl. You are truly an inspiration. Many times I thought to kill myself but then I realized it would not make a difference to the sociopath. The sociopath never loved me, why would they care if I will kill myself. I am sure the sociopath wants me dead, as the soc keep telling me how sad it would be if I god insane or kill myself. My life is too precious to waste on a waste like the sociopath.

  2. Could you please add the numbers for The Befrienders in Malaysia? Thanks!


    I was just thinking that there are some of us who might volunteer to act as support to victims in our part of the world. I would be happy if my email address be given to Malaysian victims of sociopaths.

      1. Another thought: it took me a while to find this site … more thana month after the sociopath turned my life upside down. Now I can’t remember how I got here … must be some keyword I used in my search.

        I just wondered what could make this site more immediately accessible. Some ppl (myself included) would not think in terms of sociopathy and so miss the wonderful resource PG has provided.

  3. An excellent post & I am so sorry but, awed by your sensitivity to the ‘white space’
    Having had my own brush with suicide many many years ago, heres my story.
    Two weeks before my marriage my fiancé walked out & said he didn’t want to get married 😦
    I was devastated, he played this game a lot over the years. He came back & found me in the nick of time & took me to hospital where 12 other attempted suicides were lined up in an emergency ward that night 😦 Mostly overdoses & a few mental disorders 😦
    I came to realise what a great waste it would be and a dishonour to people who fight for life daily due to illness etc…& I also sobered up to realise I would never do this normally.
    I spiralled out of control & my attempt left me humiliated yet, I grew from this experience 🙂
    I was fortunate to have my stomach pumped so, that I might survive. I was young & had way too much to drink & lost all my will & I was deeply troubled.
    It was such a terrible time & I walked down the aisle two weeks later to get married to my Narc with bruised arms from injections that reminded me of my humiliation. I felt such a fool but, was completely lost at the time & depressed. I had such a dysfunctional relationship from the get go for many reasons, basically had no self worth whatsoever.
    I did survive thankfully & trundled on in my dysfunctional world until I had my daughter & that snapped me into action, I was responsible for another life & I owed it to her & later my son, to be the best possible Mum I could be 🙂
    I have nearly lost my life in medical emergencies twice since that awful night but, I fight with all my might to stay as I have seen the ‘white space’ nothingness that perhaps awaits?
    What ever is on the other side, can wait no matter how hard this road gets, I am in no hurry to cross over & I will never let anyone make me feel so bad that taking my life is an option.
    Life is precious & no matter what it brings I will never doubt it has something better in store for me on this journey 🙂
    Reach out if you ever feel alone & lost, get help & never be ashamed of falling apart, seek help anywhere & never ever give up 🙂

    You are not alone 🙂

    Love & light 🙂
    PR xoxo

    1. Thank you for sharing PR. It is really appreciated. I found that a really difficult post to write. So I had to re-write it today.

      I think when you come the other side, it makes the other side seem so much more beautiful. The feeling of FREEDOM that you have, to be away from grief and trauma.

      I have known of people who committed suicide and the devastation that is left behind when it happens. A memory that people carry with them for a long time. I do believe that in spirit you have to watch those hurt people, and not be able to do much to relieve their pain – which makes it just worse.

      I think that a lot of people that say about suicide, do not really want to die. They just want hope, and belief that the pain will go away, and that life will get better. Maybe they have had a bad life, all of their life, and they cannot take one more bad thing happening to them. they fear that life will always be like this.

      You might have just quit before the beautiful part was about to happen – 6 months down the line…. aragh…. and what a mistake that would be!! You cant change your mind and come back.

      1. Yes Pos, you are so right & I’m glad I survived 🙂
        I went from years of feeling worthless as a child/adolescent to years of abuse with a very disordered man who put me through hell & back.
        I stumbled out of that unceremoniously when he eventually left after 19 years with a friend & our receptionist in our business. His callousness at the time was disgusting 😦
        Argh the torment was unending & then you know who entered my life & here I am 😉

        Still I have survived & am grateful that I did not succeed otherwise I would never have known my children & being a Mum gave me the most joy ever 🙂

        Even in my darkest moments over the years that followed, I never once considered ending my life, rather it gave me a determination to go on no matter what. I was so ashamed that I let myself get to that point 😦 & I was aided by the wrong spirit (alcohol 😉 the combination was toxic 😦

        I did eventually have my moment with ‘Spirit’ & from then on I have never doubted the love that surrounds us all :)….That’s another story 🙂

        Thanks for another great post & I wanted to share my story as it did have a happy ending & I am testament that life is worth the effort.
        You do have to believe in yourself & cultivate your self worth & not let others undermine you.
        You are here for you & no one else but, this can be extremely hard when others have influenced your self view & made you feel worthless by their actions but, I know realize that says more about them than you.

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. You are so beautiful. You know when I was studying for a counselling qualification. We were told the biggest tool on the course would be oourselves and our ability to share of ourselves. Thank you for sharing you. I noticed on that course lots of people struggled to do it. Maybe it’s being a Leo? We have excess sunshine to give anyway so might as well. Thank you for sharing you and all the warmth you bring to this site.

      3. Right back atcha Lioness 🙂
        & thank you for all your amazing insight & capacity to share, what a truly amazing lady you are 🙂

        PR xoxo

  4. Just one thought… I read of many survivors whose soc has insinuated suicide as an option to them. This can’t be coincidental. I have never, in my lifetime, had someone even use the word “suicide” in my presence… before the soc. As such, it stood out glaringly to me, that he wanted to PLACE this thought in my mind. By my reaction, he knew he had committed a faux pas by randomly throwing this word into an otherwise benign conversation (not one of his most subtle moments). I don’t remember the verbatim conversation, but we were talking about responses to different things. The slant was actually about fighting back, but he flipped it and asked, “Why do you think that? I mean you wouldn’t commit suicide over it.” Uh. Was speechless for moment, then asked why he would say something like that in the context of our conversation. He backpeddled.

    1. Thank you Jusagurl. I had written that post so badly it was 4am – i was really tired, and had to edit it today. You are right, they make you feel absolutely worthless. Like you have had everything taken from you, that you are not worth living. This is so not true – it is just a reflection of their abuse.

      Some people think that in desperation they can do a suicide attempt without actually wanting to die. The outcome can be

      – Death
      – Damaged organs or lifelong physical impairment

      Nothing and nobody is worth that. Life, is beautiful and life is priceless. Just that sometimes, in the shadow of the dark, and at the point of despair, sometimes you cannot see this.

      1. I think an ex-partner’s suicide would only serve to big up the narcissist ego even more (“they couldn’t see any future without me” etc). That’s a good enough reason on its own not to go there! But I do empathise with all who are suicidal post-soc, because being in the hopeless, powerless pit of worthlessness does tend to wipe out the light for a while. Just remember you have your unique role to play here, and that your life impacts more people than you know about. You may not have experienced real love so far but that’s not to say you don’t deserve it, or will be denied it forever. I’m realising how my childhood experience of ‘love’ has led me to seek out narcs/socs just because they are familiar. Thank God I have have finally woken up now. Of course I waver some days but mostly I know that none of the ‘love’ was real and that they never had my best interests at heart (something they proved time and time again, I just didn’t want to face it). Can you get any kind of nurturing warmth from an empty freezer? That’s what’s inside the narc heart. You have to pity them because it must be torturous to have no unselfish thoughts/feelings the whole time 8(

      2. This site is about sociopathy, not narcissism lifescholar. I don’t agree that a sociopath would get an ego boost from a victim taking their life.

  5. I hope you realize the positive impact that you’ve had on other people by sharing your story. Your kindness, caring and honesty is truly admirable. God bless you!

  6. I believe good things are in store for those who have suffered. Life’s simple pleasures are God’s gift to help us on our journey and help us heal from bad things that happen to us. Thank you Pgirl. You a a blessing.

  7. Thanks be to God for rescuing us and bringing us to safety- think of all the lives that have been touched by you Positiva, and the community of posters here– and that’s only the ones we know about- there are so many others who read, learn and don’t post!!!! We all touch each one another and are connected-/ we all have a purpose and call to love — the soc will try to make us forget our bigger purpose & truest love — to love our neighbor and God– which we are fully capable of ( sadly, they are not so capable) as evidenced by your blog!! I will know a healthy love/man by his sincerity & ability to love and live within a wider full life;) it all about sharing love– God makes each one of us for a purpose and we are all connected. Amen, We are the beloved, sons and daughters of the King of Kings! Amazing grace comes to mind–life is worth living, we never really know how we effect others — we must love ourselves and God first and foremost– everything else finds proper order. Makes us value ourselves in our truest identity as children of God. He will never orphan us! We are never alone–and we are loved! EL. ( thank you for letting me remind myself too!)

  8. Just read this, had the worst Thanksgiving of my life missing my ex so very much first time in 8 years without him, cried all weekend, trying to make sense of why to even go on because the hurt is so unbearable. At work my eyes are a puffy mess. told my girlfriend I just don’t want to do this anymore, pain is too much to bear. then I read this, I am not going to do anything but Lord knows if I got hit by a big truck it would be a blessing. I am so sad and it is NOT going away. I remember reading about someone who jumped off the bridge and someone wrote in the comments “if they would of waited 5 more minutes, their life could of changed” I keep waiting 5 more minutes UGH!!!!! 😦 I can not wait for the day when I can have inspiring words for someone on here

    1. I am so sorry that this post was so badly written. I have just edited it, as I wrote middle of the night, then couldn’t get access to my computer all day.

      This is a transition T, you know sometimes you have to have the rain and the darkness to really appreciate the sunshine when it comes. Believe me, it WILL come. It really will.

      I am sorry that you had a horrible thanksgiving. But, if this means that next year – is a different experience, as you look back on the last year, and think wow I have came so far. I am so glad that I am no longer there.

      I also learned another thing, during those few years. This was that, it actually takes a lot of bravery to take your life. As it really is a giant leap into the unknown. A bigger leap into the unknown than it is to stay. Don’t allow him to take your life. He is not worth that.

      I also remember another comment that I HATED – around that time, ‘time is a great healer’….. really? I know how I felt when someone said that to me. But the truth is, that it actually IS.

      When it first happens, it is a grief, a bereavement. Your whole world is how you are feeling. As you allow new things into your life, the grief will get smaller. And you will grow bigger. Give yourself time, and treat yourself, like your own best friend.

      1. This is a very good point. Our feelings sometimes seem so all-consuming. They are not. We can actually choose to intellectualize things. In my past, I have been a master of this type of detachment (not that I’m exactly recommending that).

        The distinction I’m trying to make is that, you can feel all of your feelings, but separate that from acting on them—particularly impulsively. As Positiva points out, they can change on a dime and you will have missed the best part of your life. The most important thing to remember about feelings is that they are not here to stay… they are here to pass.

    2. Hi T-
      I don’t know where you currently stand on counseling and anti-depressant meds, but you shouldn’t have to deal with this completely on your own right now. At least for a time, some support should help lift you out of this state.

      1. T,

        I had a Thanksgiving meltdown too, I picked up the phone and called a few people and then called my new counselor ( only saw her twice before) and explained more about soc, even sent her link to this site– she agreed to see me in two days/yesterday (I called her on Friday) — we have to ask for help when we need it from safe people. This is a great starting point, I agree with Jusagirl — a little outside support can do wonders — we are really in crisis when we realize what we have been through and need to gather support — Positiva & this site is a great start– and if you read posts it will help motivate in truth you to self care– one step, one day at a time. I also started going to 12 step ASAP as finding a counselor that is good fit may take some time. I knew that the empty, lonely space had to be filled with 100% kindness, truth, understanding and love. None of this could the soc ever give me–only counterfeit– I hated how I felt, and it tapped right into the little girl in me. I prayed my arse off immediately and regularly, I begged God to help me and had a few friends that lived out of state via tele I talked to them ( they were safe as they never got tainted, charmed or exhausted by soc. I had been sharing with them my joys, confusion and troubles during stages of relationship. This wound up being a Godsend. It was a friend out of state that said-/ just go right now to a 12 step–as I was in total meltdown and crisis. She sent me online meeting list to phone and I drove to nearest one. It’s not good to isolate with all of this in our minds & hearts. I pray you know you are loved , blessed and so worth real love & support. Peace be with you under Protection of St Michael the Archangel! EL

      2. I am seeing a counselor and just got Paxil for depression, has not kicked in yet I guess. I am just lost and don’t know how to go on right now 😦 thank you all so much for everything, I appreciate more then you all will ever know

      3. We are there for you t. Hang in there. You are not alone!! When did you start seeing the counsellor? I hope that this offers good additional support for you 🙂

      4. HI T 🙂

        Just keep going as it does get easier & you need to keep busy & take care of your whole self.
        We have all be through this awful time & like you I thought I was stuck in it forever but, nearly 8 months later I am feeling so much better thanks to all the help I received here & elsewhere 🙂
        It’s a slow process but, like grief goes, you have to get through this stage to move ahead emotionally. It’s really tough but, you can do this, just believe in yourself & your thoughts will be more positive 🙂
        Start believing & thinking ‘YOU CAN DO THIS’ & your thoughts can become your actions 🙂
        Love & light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      5. Reminds me of that quote!

        “Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions. Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits. Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values. Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.”

        ― Mahatma Gandhi

      6. Gandhi is one of my heroes, I studied him in high school 🙂

        I have that quote on my Pinterest wall 😉
        I might get a copy for my actual wall at home 🙂


      7. Hi T,

        Please know that there is no shame in seeking help and taking medication to help you sort things out. The fact that this is having such an impact on you just proves that you are sensitive, and that this loser completely targeted you because you are a wonderful, loving soul. That’s not a bad thing, especially in a world that can be so cold and heartless.

        Don’t beat yourself up, either. We are all here on this site because we’ve had lapses in judgement, and because we are trusting people, trusting others who don’t deserve the love we have to give.

        “No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won’t make you cry”. It will get better, you have to give yourself a chance.

        Hugs to you ….

    3. I keep waiting 5 more minutes also…and PS,what you said,we really do not want to die,we just want hope and faith. Is so true. I am so tired. Sooo tired. It’s one shitshow after another. When you lose hope,you have nothing left…and I have lost hope.

      1. Hi Bobbiejeane,

        We are her for you & please don’t give up 😦
        It’s really hard to have this happen & we have all gone on the journey together. You are not alone, it may feel isolating because, we are just strangers at the end of the day but, we are all connected on a spiritual level & we are definitely not strangers there 🙂
        We all feel for you & care about you 🙂
        You are a strong & resilient person & that it why the Sociopath’s targets you & us. We are everything they can never be so, don’t let them win as that only makes them stronger.
        You are an amazing testimony to being human & you deserve a good life. I don’t focus on the Sociopaths actions/words anymore but, have learnt to focus on myself & do my best to defy him & have been using self-actualisation to keep myself focused & keep me living in the present not the past. I am using visualisation etc…to create the life I feel & need 🙂
        Keep going, don’t give-up, you are not alone & we value your life as we do our own 🙂
        Do your best & your best will always be enough 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

  9. There is a place in Sydney where many people commit suicide called The Gap. It’s a beautiful cliff face at the entrance to Sydney Harbor. A story i read recently about a 23 year old lady in 1923 that jumped of the Cliff because she felt she couldn’t go on was one that I think all should read. Particularly those that have reached the lowest point and are having these thoughts.

    Here is a clip on it: http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2011/s3321222.htm

    In summary: When this woman jumped off the cliff to land on the jagged rocks below, just as she jumped a freak super wave came and instead of hitting the rocks she landed in the deep water of the huge freak wave. Two fishermen pulled her out of the water alive. This is an amazing story of a woman who thought she had lost it all, went to take her own life, survived and went on to live an amazing life. She died recently at the ripe old age of 90 years old, peacefully with her many children and grand children around her after living a very fulfilling life.

    As Pos says, death is so final. There is no turning back. This woman is proof of how life can change. She was in the depths of despair and did not want to go on. Yet she survived and lived a beautifully fulfilling life (albeit hard at times – as life is).

      1. positivagirl….2 years ago…my xspath,flew to texas to see his mother…he called me from the airport in texas as he was waiting for his flight. He was quite drunk and mentioned he “took his deceased fathers cuff links and his deceased grandfathers rolex” and that he told his mom,as he was getting out of the car at the airport. He said she was angry…I asked him if he was told he could take those things,I got a vague answer…when he got into the airport where we live,he was even more drunk…he called,I was treating him with kid gloves,and said “why don’t you just get home babe” He stated “I will call you right back”…he never came home…the next day,I was with a patient,and my phone kept ringing…I excused myself,and it was his son’s girlfriend letting me know they got a suicide text from my spath…I was in the middle of doing a wound dressing on a rather large wound,and could not leave the patient,as it is homecare…I did my patient care as quickly as I could…as I walked out the door,I heard sirens…his son than called me,and stated “we tracked him down,the e.m.t.’s are on their way,he is at the beachside inn” I rush there…he is unconscience,has a sort of alter of gifts to me from his trip to texas,The cops had me go through his cell phone,and he had texted his x wife..hi,how are you” Got to e.r….his kids were glaring at me….I am talking,if looks could kill…His oldest son got to e.r….the hate for me from his other kids,was so palpable,his oldest took me outside and said “here’s the deal,dad came over a few days ago,and told us you were a drug addict,and you were addicted to roxycodone” I didn’t even know what that drug was…It is typical,Im sure,to think if your father is with a girl that is addicted(even though I am not addicted to said drug,nor any drug) to drugs and tries to take his life,may as well blame the person,the dad is hanging out with. So! He was unconscience for3 days. When he came out of it…he was on the phone with his mother,screaming she needed to give him a thousand dollars.was not even humiliated or ashamed,and stated “My son tried to kill himself one time when he was dating a girl that was crazy” When he got discharged,it was like…we were not to talk about the suicide….To this day,I will never forget the trauma of that day,and still wonder,if somehow…I did drive him to try and commit suicide…your thoughts?

    1. That is just an amazing story, God Bless her. Thank you. Life is not supposed to be this miserable, I used to think mind over matter I do not believe that anymore. My girlfriend said to me I so miss our old Toni and her laugh well I miss her (me) too but I just can’t even fake it. We go to lunch I break down, I go to the grocery store I break down, I am just a weak weak weak person -. Never realized that til now

      1. Your not weak t your emotions have been played with. When you emerge the other side you will be stronger than you ever were before. See a health professional to help work through your feelings.

      2. Hi t

        Yes, you are weak, but in a good way. Just as positivagirl stated, your feelings have been played with by a monster. It’s okay to feel weak. You’re only human and real and feel pain, but you were involved with someone who had no feelings at all. It only means your mind is trying to readjust to what has happened and it will take a little time, so please don’t be hard on yourself. Positivagirl said somewhere else that when we are weak, it gives us a chance to start over with a clean slate and it ends up giving us new insight, a new beginning so-to-speak. It really does make us stronger. Take it from someone who has been there and is constantly trying to “dodge” the s-paths that exists all around us. I do agree that some therapy can help you and may help you to see things from a different perspective. When you mentioned that you broke down all of the time, you sound so much like I did when my sister died from cancer in 2009. We had no idea that she was even sick, much less having stage 4 cancer (she didn’t know either). I couldn’t even hold a conversation about her without losing it. The tears came day and night, at home and work. I literally thought I was going to lose my mind because we were so very close. I had other sisters but she seemed so much like a soul mate to me. I used to want to be around her even as a little girl and would cry when my mother wouldn’t let me go with her as she got older and would go places with her friends. The loss of such a close relationship can be devastating as all of us here knows, and what you went through was very similar to that great loss. You trusted and gave yourself totally to someone who didn’t mean it back.

        Everything positivagirl says here is so incredibly true that it’s scary. I was with someone for 26 excruciating years (too weak to leave) and I even thought about taking my own life. When positivagirl says it will get better, IT WILL ABSOLUTELY GET BETTER. It just doesn’t feel that way right now because of the mental anguish that you’re going through. When I look back on the very fact that I wanted to take my PRECIOUS life, instead of wanting to KILL myself, after I came out of it and began to heal, I then wanted to KICK myself, but that’s just what happens when the heart is hurting soooo bad.

        It’s NOT true that you can’t go on (without him).
        It’s NOT true that you’ll never love again.
        It’s NOT true that you are stupid.
        It’s NOT true that you’ll never find the right person.
        It’s NOT true that no one can ever make you feel the way he made you feel.
        It’s NOT true that you should have seen through the sham of who you thought he was.

        Your “heart” is not thinking clearly right now, so give it some time to adjust and come out of the shock and disbelief that it has experienced.

        It will get better. I promise you. It truly, truly will.

        You’re going to have those moments – don’t squelch them. Just let them happen – cry, throw things, scream if you have to. You need to get that frustration and hurt to start coming out so you can begin the healing part of this journey.

        When I think back on how I was going to end my life over a piece of garbage, it literally makes me sick to my stomach and makes me want to cry, because NOW I realize I’m worth so much more. Had I took my life, I would have never known just how special I really am. And so are you.

        Be strong and believe positivagirl when she says this too shall pass. It will.

      3. HI T,

        Please know that you are not a weak person. You are a person that has just had your heart and soul ripped out and stomped on. You are a sensitive, emotional empathetic person, this in some ways makes you a much more capable, caring, strong, wonderful woman, who is there for her friends and family(and strangers) when they need it. The person that people turn to because of her massive heart. Unfortunately it also has its Achilles heel, which is when someone abuses it, and cuts it out, it digs deep – we then feel the pain more than most.. All my family and friends think that i am one of the strongest people they know. I have been through so much in my life and I deal with most things in a way that puts them in awe. However, when it comes to dealing with my ex they are all stumped. I can’t even talk with them about it anymore because they get angry at me and just don’t understand.

        Dealing with a normal break up for me (and i am sure you) is hard because of our massive hearts. But breaking up with a sociopath is 100 times worse. You were with him for 8 years. For 8 years he has manipulated your mind… most likely very subtly, so you didn’t even notice, he has taken your confidence, he has made you feel like he is your only source of happiness, he has controlled your life and then he has walked away as if you are nothing and treats you like you are nothing. Nothing makes sense. How could this be the man that you just spent the last 8 years with (you ask)? It can not be true (you scream)! He is f-ing with your mind. He is carving up your heart and he is spitting on your soul. But it is impossible to get your head around it because you loved him so much, because you could never do this to another human let alone someone you just spent 8 years with, because you have empathy and could not yet comprehend what it is to be without it and because all those beautiful dreams he painted were all a lie.

        THIS IS NOT A NORMAL BREAK UP!. We would be devastated with a normal one… with this, it is Overwhelming. Don’t be so hard on yourself. All you did wrong was love the wrong man. He did the rest. This doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you less of a person. I cried every hour of everyday for at least 2 months. over three months after the break up i went to coffee with my friend and bawled my eyes out in the cafe and couldn’t stop the whole time… I was only with my soc for 2 years!!!!!

        You do sound like me though when I was overwhelmed, but was beating myself up because i was being so weak. I was listening to my family who were saying i should be over him because he is an a-hole… but they didn’t understand what he was and how he had abused me and what that meant. My councilor helped me so much. She taught me to just sit with the feelings. That by sitting with them and accepting them we slowly process them and they get less with time. At first for me this was so hard to do. The emotions were overwhelming and so painful but gradually this got easier and not as painful and rather than running from them i have been dealing with them. When my family would get angry at me, I would simply say that i was dealing with it in my own way and that it would take as long as it takes.

        My point (and sorry for waffeling on… i do that :-)), Is that you are not weak, that you are human, that what you are feeling is normal for the situation that you have been in and the type of caring loving person you are. That you are going to get through this but that it will take as long as it takes. Don’t be hard on yourself. Accept that this where you are in this moment and that you are a good person and you will get over this – in your own time- Be nice to you. look after you.

        Trust me, when you come out the other end, you will be much wiser, much more understanding, and much more able to give because you will have learnt to give to yourself as well.
        Peace xxxxx

      4. *Hugs* to you. You are not weak, you are healing, if you had cancer she wouldn’t be whining about missing “her old Toni”. Your SP was a cancer in your life and of course it is going to take time before you start to feel ok again.

        It is true that not all friends can handle what is going on, even the truest friends will find seeing you in pain hard to bear (especially those of us who find us going back again and again, no friend can handle that). Try to forgive them for it, we really need our friends.

        A really good therapist can help a lot and then you can focus on enjoying your friends and being there for them too.

      5. I can very much relate to all that you are conveying in your posts, “t”. Like you I feel completely, utterly miserable. I cannot seem to get through even the most mundane tasks without breaking down…driving down the street, grocery shopping, even pulling into my own driveway makes me sad. Also like you, the people around me (who I know love me) keep saying things like “we miss the old you” etc…even so far as bringing my own father to tears because he misses his daughter. And while it bothers me to think that I am inflicting pain on others, the pain inflicted upon my own heart and soul is irrevocable…I feel irretrievably broken, and like you said, I can’t even fake that I am ok. I am NOT ok. To complicate things, I have three young children who are feeling the loss of my ex, as well as the loss of their mother. I am not myself, and all I do is pray that the day will come when I can go thirty seconds without thinking of him, without a “good” memory seeping into my brain and crushing my heart all over again. It is TORTURE. And what really pisses me off is the people who expect you to just be able to “snap out of it”….there IS no snapping out of it. If I could push the magic button to make it all go away I would. I am suffering. Struggling. My kids are struggling, and I feel like there is no end in sight.

      6. I am so sorry to read the pain that you are suffering. You know, that he is not the salvation or answer to your prayers…. he is the answer to your problems. He is in fact the problem, not the solution. Sending you a hug!!

  10. Thank you, once again you go right to the heart of the matter and are brave to admit to things most of us can’t/won’t tell those who are closest to us. Don’t worry about being perfectly written at this point.

    It is true, what we learn from going through our own personal hell can lend strength and wisdom to others down the road. If we can survive, so can they. So it is so very important that we never, ever, give up.

      1. T,

        The 12 steps is a recovery support group. It started with AA ( alcoholics Anonymous) and now there are support groups that follow the 12 steps such as OA ( struggles with food — anorexics, bulimics, over eaters) SLAA ( sex, love addicts anon) CODA( codependents anon) DA ( debtors anon) GA ( gamblers anon) EA ( emotions anon) As a counselor I have come to know the benefits of these groups — they can be helpful to those who may switch addictions/dependencies or who need additional support against destructive patterns/habits etc — I have been sober for 21 years from alcohol — AA has helped me tremendously — and I started to attend SLAA as the withdrawals from soc bottomed me out emotionally, I know I have love/ affection deficit– the 12 steps and meetings have helped me to identify & work on this. It’s very personal, not for everyone – but very helpful for those that need it 😉 my new counselor is cautioning me, she is not convinced that I need it and she has concerns about trigger and retraumatizing–but it has kept me safe and in good company with others healing while searching for counselor. I started to lead a meeting which has really helped me take back my recovery too– I understand her concerns as counseling goes forward and our relationship builds — we will continue to discuss and address my recovery needs 😉 I hope this helps- you can google meetings in your area. Pace, EL

  11. I am posting on here as somehow everyone on my Facebook could read my posts there.
    I have lost so called friends, now become the butt of all the gossip at work, missed work today and was sent home, my ex has been in touch AGAIN… I have blocked his email and he has sent from another address… I sat down today and made a list of all the accounts I would have to change if I changed my email and it was endless… plus what’s the next step moving house? I don’t have the energy for the police to get involved. He says he loves me, says he is sorry… I am not sure what he is after but made it clear he wants contact. I have refused to give my number to him which I changed so he couldn’t call me, ad I have not replied to his emails. But my parents and his have been in touch to try and stop this behaviour. But last night circumstances allowed for me to bump into him and we spoke. I played the upper hand and told him outright he has a cheek and made him write a status on Facebook saying he will be a better person from now on. I also played that yes he can see me if he does a few things for me and the main one is messaging chosen people to tell them he lied about me and is truly sorry. If he shows me evidence then I said he can see me. The problem is this. I had started to move on, I started my own blog and was healing nicely. I even started dating and was feeling better. But the dates didn’t work out, I came on my period and then out of the blue I received an email from him. I didn’t read it for a few days and did and he was grovelling for forgiveness. Then this weekend I had a colleague give me abuse on Facebook over some nasty rumours. And I crumbled. My parents contacted his as I had some property to return and we needed address confirmation and then they mentioned we didn’t appreciate the contact. He carried on emailing me and saying he loved me and was so sorry and going against everyones advice he just wanted my love.
    It’s killing me. I loved him so very much. And at the moment I feel very down. I want him here to hold me and just feel loved again. It sounds so silly when I type it but in my heart I just want him back. After two months of hard work and therapy… and a blog writing about his bad behaviour I actually just want to have him here and look after me. I know I would be setting myself up for heartache all over again. I felt suicidal when we split, and with what’s happened at work and now him contacting me I just feel lost once more. I do have a few friends outside of work but its difficult getting to arrange things to look forward too. I try and try constantly with other people but my life often remains stale. I have tried changing it and still I am stuck in a rut. He mentioned in his emails he misses this time last year coming home after a long day and we would cuddle and just be warm and happy. I miss it too… I want security,… and I know I didn’t have it with him…. I just don’t know which way to turn. In my head I have took him back and actually started thinking I could plan things with him. Stupid!!!!!!!! I just feel this is all too much for me once more. I need to get out and move on without all this from him. What do I do? I successfully made a month and half of no contact and now I am back feeling like this! I even thought that if I do see him and he wants to make peace we can… and then I can feel happy… but then I wouldn’t want to move on I just want to die and leave this life behind because I just can not see anything in my future at all. Even thu for months now I have been making a very concerted effort to make myself better. I feel terrible 😦

    1. Hey michey I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now.

      Do you really want to be with someone who would spread lies about you?

      If you go back, he will lure you in. Within no time, he will have you under such control you won’t be able to breath. Then what?

      If you try to leave he will do ruining again. And as for him putting up statuses and sending emails my ex did this. How he was going to be a good moral man.

      If he loved you. Why would he ever have wanted to hurt you?

      1. Do you know what I learned? I went back lots and lots of times (more times than I could count) the pattern was always the same and the end always came with threats and all of the other drama that you already know about.

        What was worse was because I went back it almost helps his story that he is innocent party (if he was that bad why did u go back people think). Why not take it day at a time. Say just not for today? What do you miss about being with him? Read my post take off your rose coloured glasses

      2. An excerpt…

        “I do think of you often even if you don’t think it yourself. I thought of coming up to yours last Friday but knew even if you were in it would be a door slammed in my face.

        Do take care. I think of this time last year coming to yours after work in Wilmslow and am annoyed this has gone so badly. I’m much better, but really do hope you are well. I worry on my lunch hour and even after work I’ll bump into you with a good looking bloke (which I know you deserve).

        I’m sorry and I’ll leave it at this…. I worry about you, and do still care for you. I still about you more and more recently. I think about nights at yours after work cuddled up, the Wartime Weekend and the dances, weekends out and about with you. I even thought about what I miss just snuggled up beside you. Just trying my best to please you. All I want to see is your face to apologise for who I was in the end. A simple CUNT. I see your car and wish it was you coming to see me so I can say my peace. I cannot rest until I am able to say the reasons I did what I did. It hurts me you cannot reply to me directly. I thought you would appreciate it. I just want to know you are well. I was at the airport recently and just wanted to see you and hoped for that opportunity to show you who I am.

        The true me and the one you met, dressed in Old Man tweed.

        You are still loved and will be loved by me. Please reply?


        Baby Boy x”

      3. Oh dear they are all the same. So he worries about you? He didn’t when he was doing ruining and smear campaigns. And what is it with them saying I will see you with a handsome man ugh they all say that. Sounds like he is a) fishing for information b) seducing

      4. He thinks I have moved onto other people and for someone reason emailed me asking if I had slept with anyone else… as the thought was killing him

      5. Exactly. He wouldn’t have figured that you were doing no contact. To him you were with someone else. If you are not talking to him another man is involved as far as he sees. So he is fishing for information from you. He cant see any other reason why you are not contacting him. No contact burns the sociopath.

      6. He is trying to win now… says he wont do as I ask etc…
        I just wont play…. He wants to see me badly… and if he doesn’t do what I want he wont get too

      7. Do you know my ex he confessed to all the lies. He even told me the tricks he did to get away with them. He confessed to everything. He also said he would write emails to people to say he lied. He put up facebook statuses saying he had been a bad person. And now he was changing I was the love of his life. I took him back. Next two months behind my back he did exactly the same but worse. And ending it wasn’t easy police were involved and I experienced yet more loss. Read the post dupers delight and the joy of conning. They get off on luring you back. It’s not even that they want you. Winning and control is important he hates the thought of you with someone else or that you have moved on without a thought of him. This does affect the sociopath.

      8. Exactly why I want to get him to send these messages and get what I want and the decide what to do after…
        is he does… and he turns up I may not even open the door

      9. That’s just part of the game michey If he is a socio he doesn’t care what other people think. Good or bad. So would send those emails. And If you split he would use that as evidence how contrrolling and you are. As you made him send them or would lie and say you hacked his account and sent them yourself.

      10. he just sent me this:

        You really want me to jeopardise drenching this up with my family again…… P£$%^ and L$%^. A$% has sweet FA to do with this. She talks at me and I dislike her. I feel obliged to talk to her as she has suffered with depression. L^&*$ is not invloved as I don’t intend to see her. In fact I got a message off her today for the first time in a while going about the RAF. I’m simply not interested.

        The deal is we make peace. I am not worrying friends and family, when it seems your intention is for nothing to ever happen. You seem more dead set on making me look a fool once again. Trying to rub my nose in everything. What will me sending childish messages to people have no idea we are in full contact? They won’t care about you. I did the Facebook message, but the personal messages are too far.

        I suppose you won’t be sending messages to your friends saying how sorry I am. I suppose you won’t be sending messages to these blokes you dated to say we are in contact. All I want is you and me tomorrow. None of this bullshit. You ask me questions I answer. Simple.

        Please Love?


      11. He sent me a screenshot and people had liked it is was public but it simply said along the lines of “I have been think and I am going to be a better person” I wasn’t anything major

      12. But be aware he might do that and restrict who sees it. And the whole I could do that and you still wouldn’t want me is deflection and manipulation putting it back to you.

      13. I say reply… I have not replied to any of them… I am using my phone on withheld…
        I am not given him anything he can use against me to show people!

      14. Well done!! This is wise 🙂 let him talk to himself and post them here. I will tell you what they really mean. He is still trying to control and manipulate. He isn’t sorry. He is probably just sorry your parents contacted his. Go careful as also could be a ploy to discredit you to his parents. He might have said to them ‘I have sent her an email and apologised’

      15. True… but my mother also sent to his a screenshot of one he sent a few weeks previous where he asked me over for sex!

      16. He probably hates that your parents have gone to his. I would imagine he is looking for a way to discredit you. And also after all he did he then pops up and asks to come over for sex? Aragh seriously!!

      17. Exactly… and my mother sent his a screenshot of it… Little victories are the best… and like I said on my blog… “TIME WILL TELL!”

      18. My ex was so angry when he realised I’d shown his dad our chats and told him other details incl how he’d boast abt manipulating him. It affected his control over his own father and her also expected me to be like his wishy washy all-forgiving other exes.

        Michey, stay strong. Keep telling yrself that whatever else happened, the bottom line is that he lied and that Alone is reason to slam the door forever.

      19. Again another reply…

        If the previous email is not acceptable I would like to know now if possible. I thought you wanted this to be just us.

        Everyone knows my faults and I’ve already to chatted at length to everyone involved and had to disclose a lot of uncomfortable information. I don’t want to have to feel those feelings of guilt and shame over my stupid actions again. There is no need for me to do that and it isn’t going to make me better. It’s going to regress me.

        Please I cannot do it. If that means I can’t see you tomorrow please tell me. Surely you can understand this? Please I cannot”

      20. Oh yeah more manipulation. Turning it back to you (I thought you wanted this to be just us) good manipulation. Then the whole EVERYONE knows my faults oh really if they did why did they believe him when he was lying about you? It’s just us but he has chatted at length to everyone involved? Yes sure he did that’s called a smear campaign and his version of events to isolate you. He doesn’t feel guilt. If he did he wouldn’t a) be defending his actions b) sociopaths don’t feel guilt or shame or remorse. Oh and its your fault you would make him worse and make him not feel better and would regress him? Ha nice deflection and turning it around to you. So it’s your fault???

        He cannot do it? Sure he can’t. That’s because he wants to keep up his Image of good guy and how bad you are.

      21. Exactly….
        It was a test by me…
        And I have been proved correct!
        Still hurts… but at least I am right!

      22. The only thing that changes with a sociopath is their story. He is still the same. Pity play, manipulation, deflection, control. See they think they are ahead but their ego always gives them away. They can’t help it!!

      23. I wanted to see him write to these people…
        In all honesty thu… his parents can not deny what they saw…
        His mother said to mine he had a new email address and needed proof it was from him, so mine sent her a screenshot…
        My mother told her it was killing me receiving them as he made his decision to end things and he should stick with it and his mother agreed!
        His father could be heard in the background shouting and swearing saying he was going to kill him!
        So in one way… theres a little victory right there!

      24. Hahaha now this is what it is REALLY about!!! Believe me he would lure you in to discredit everything your mother has said. Now he is exposed to his parents. I think on this one. You have won.

      25. Of course I have. He is not smart enough!!! Why do you think I have not replied to a single email… I am not giving him anything to show them!

      26. I feel calmer…
        I just miss him so much…that’s the hard part… and only something people on here can understand

      27. Just remember Michey, it’s not the real him you miss. The real him is showing his true colours now.

      28. The real him is vile, angry little cretin… the one who starts with

        “LISTEN TO ME NOW!”

      29. My Soc used to say “right, have you finished now?, Listen too me”….he would always interrupt me & give me his opinion of what I should do & think etc…& when I didn’t he would be very annoyed pfft!!
        He loved to say “I told you so & you wouldn’t listen to me & I’m always right!”….no he wasn’t, he just didn’t connect emotionally so, he could assess a situation etc…all cool,calm & collect whereas I’m an emotional being like you so, my feelings would undermine me sometimes.
        At least we have feelings Mich 🙂

        They are all talk, no action, whereas I talk & act ;)….I talk a lot (lol)…PR xoxo

      30. I hope so. I honestly at the moment have so much going on. But I know I will one day be far better off than him.
        He sat there last night saying he knows what he needs to work on…. HIS WORK
        I just thought you are such a moron!!!

      31. I completely understand. I’ve been discarded for almost 6 months and was progressing well, in the acceptance stage. 2 weeks ago I lost my job (I got so far behind because of the break up that they fired me) as soon as I lost it, I started missing him massively again. I stopped thinking about the real him and remembered all the love and lies. I just wanted him back in my arms. It hurt so much again. i think this is a normal reaction. It’s taken me 2 weeks but I’m back to where I was. Just give yourself time to process all that is going on in your life right now. Stay strong and stay away from him. In a few weeks u will be back to where u were in recovery again… Maybe even progressed. This is my experience, and a few others have shared similar stories with me as well. I hope this helps xx

      32. Aw thank you. I appreciate it!
        I posted on the Facebook page and didn’t realise others could read it.
        Colleagues commented saying ffs get over it…
        It just upset me so much… they have no idea what we have gone thru!!! NONE

      33. I always say that you get support here. As you can be private here. Facebook even in a private group is just too intrusive (you have no idea If a psycho joined a group) it gives too much info about you and your personal life. I prefer it here as you can just be yourself and access support.

      34. Yeah I have been the basis of alot of gossip in work as people could see my posts there. Not very pleasant!

      35. No, unfortunately they don’t. Sometimes times like this show us who our real friends are. Almost none of your friends will understand, however, those that are good will still be kind. Those that are not worthy of your friendship will be horrible. Those you cut loose. It’s time to be good to you. Surround yourself with only good souls. This is a time where you can learn and grow and start again. Be kind to you. You deserve it xxx

      36. Remember he has no clue that you know he is a sociopath. So already you have one up Just go extra careful as he will start digging around for dirt to throw.

        Well done for not playing the game with him. I think you have victory. Karma huh?

      37. Yeah…
        He actually does… My mother told him in the last abusive phonecall she had off his he was one.
        He mentioned it last night. He said he had read up on it and he believed we all have these tendancies and that he didn’t think he was one.. I said oh ok… well your a narc then… you got to be something because you are FUBAR!

      38. I still do not know what I want to do… I think talking here as helped… I feel better tbh… I have a lot going on with other aspects of my life too…
        It is so hard when you have been so in love!

      39. Lol yes!! Give him enough rope he will hang himself and show his true colours. No response he will escalate until he tells you how he didn’t want you anyway and its all your fault now. You could have been so good together but your stubborn ways ruined it.

      40. Can you see how far you have come? Once you see the truth you see the patterns. I went back so many times. Loads. Pattern always repeated. What he is saying is he is not sorry. He doesn’t see he has done anything wrong. And believe me he would do it again. If you take him back he would do it again to you.

      41. You are right.
        He went crazy last night when I mentioned he went on a first date with someone the same day we reconciled and said we were working on our relationship…. his reply.. “WE WEREN’T TOGETHER… IT WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK!”

      42. Notice a ttheme here? “I want…I want… I want”. He has effectively flipped it on you and is not going to make it where you have to acquiesce to see him. Masterful.

      43. Hi Micheypops,

        Mine was always accusing me of being with others & always said, “the thought of you with another man does my head in”…..funny though that the thought of him with another/numerous women was never of consideration towards me ever!!!
        It’s like buying an antique, & finding out it’s a great replica of the real deal but, it’s just a worthless fake.

        Just read& learn & listen here,as he will smooze & game you endlessly as, they hate losing & letting you go etc…they don’t care about you, it’s all about them & their selfish,self motivated ego.
        Concentrate on you as he has mirrored you for so long, you’ve fallen in love with yourself really.

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      44. Michey, your Absolutely Fabulous so, remember that & stay strong 🙂
        You are worthy of so much more & you will survive this, I promise.
        Just stay here & vent/support/learn etc…you are safe here, we don’t judge you 🙂

        Your friends won’t ‘get it’ so, don’t be hard on them, it’s not something you would want them to get…people that do have been there & the less of them the better 🙂

        Just keep taking care of you & your needs, exercise, keep busy & above all else NO CONTACT….we have all been down this road (10 years for me) so, I am 8 months NC & feeling much better, it takes time & effort but, doesn’t everything worth fighting for 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      45. quote..

        If you ever want to talk. I’ll be here… that’s a promise which shall never die. I know you hate me. I just want peace. I don’t know if you’ve found someone else.

        Whatever situation you find yourself in I just hope you are that beautiful, loving and gorgeous girl I threw it all away with as I thought I wanted myself. I don’t I want your contact and love despite what advice I get off everyone else.

        I know I won’t get a reply, but it’s all I desire. A simple ok, or eff orf.



      46. Wow, I was thinking the same thing. I was wondering if it was my ex writing this and had to confirm her location. It’s like they’re clones.

      47. Hi Michey,
        sounds to me like he has said all the things that he knew you would react to. Sounds to me like he is trying to manipulate your feelings to go back to him. Pulled out all the stops.
        Pos is right… he will not change… you know this.
        If you go back, you will be at square 1 again. You say you almost took your life.. please please please don’t go back. It will not get better… if you walk away now, stop all contact again, you will get better. If you go back the cycle will repeat itself…

        if you do nothing else, go back over Pos’s posts that resonated with you the most. Remember how you got here in the first place.

      48. OMG! What a piece of work he is… from an outside point of view MIchey, that was a very aggressive message. The way he has spoken to you in that is out right rude. and yet he still ends it with Please love?

        You are going to get nothing from this guy. Run. Run far. Go no contact again. If you still say no to him… watch him turn… try it. Test him. Say sorry but no. and watch him turn.

        Be strong Michey. Please be strong. You deserve better than this.

      49. This is a great site. Can anyone help me?
        I am feeling so desperate cuz
        I can’t find anyone to help with overwhelming issues I am dealing with.
        I have no family. My few friends left only can provide emotional
        support but nothing more, they have nothing more unfortunately.

        Low income, chronic illness, Can’t afford market rate rentals.
        Soc is my landlord and sabotaging everything I do to try to get free, Soc gives rapid ultimatums, few weeks apart, and each one is sending me closer and closer to homelessness and ruin. Taking away
        my resources. I am petrified of what is next.
        I am running out of energy, chasing my tail with all the chaos
        and crisis and my health is going downhill, weaker and weaker
        making me more vulnerable.

        Soc onned me in financial matters that will be used against me and could put me in prison. Stupid me. Soc has lots of money, prestige and respect, resources in the community. I do not. I was just getting better and life improving and Soc sabotaged all that. I am trying to keep hope but already the stress has taken such a toll on my life and the Soc is taking resources from me (like car, housing) that I need to survive and cannot afford to replace, or get in more jeopardy
        if I report abuse. Esp since the Soc lives in unit above me,
        and is SOOOOO POWERFUL, that is why it has gotten this bad.
        I was trying to get out months ago, but Soc wouldn’t have let
        me leave. Then discarded me recently (won’t go into the details of that) but keeping me around for now to torture and suck my

        I can’t just move out, don’t have the money, need my subsidized
        housing which Soc is threatening to sabotage too. I have no doubt
        they will as the pattern has been escalating… Any new place I apply to Soc will badmouth me to new owner and soc is a master at
        persuasive communication.

        I have contacted all kinds of agencies and such and none can help me, esp since I am petrified of the soc framing me for financial matters,
        which I cannot discuss as I was coerced into doing it and know
        how soc set it up to make me look like the criminal.
        I need serious legal help which I can’t afford and pro bono
        is not turning up either. I can’t prove things like with most soc’s
        behaviors and that is dragging me down.

        I am past the grief and shock but still going between panic
        and just numbness and paralyzed. I am still trying certain things,
        but I have little energy now and am ending up in bed sick from this.
        Soc knows all about my illness and using it too…

        Is there anyone out there that has had this kind of experience
        and can help? Am at the end of my rope.

        I read about a woman that when she finally did get free her
        Soc will not stop dragging her into court and she can no longer
        afford the legal fees. I can’t even GET free.

        I so wish I had family to help me out. But I don’t.
        The soc knows that too, knows everything about me.

        I am in danger of becoming homeless and charged with criminal

        Please help anyone if you can. I read the suicide post. It
        was great but doesn’t apply to me as I am trapped,, trapped, trapped!

        I have yet to hear of anyone in my situation, where they didn’t have resources to move or leave, and were conned like this.
        Is there anyone out there that has had this experience???
        I am desperate and see no future.
        Thank you.

  12. You are right.
    He went crazy last night when I mentioned he went on a first date with someone the same day we reconciled and said we were working on our relationship…. his reply.. “WE WEREN’T TOGETHER… IT WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK!”

    This last line, “It was never going to work”, is very telling. I’d want to know what makes him think it’s going to work now. Honestly, he doesn’t even sound like that’s what he wants. He just wants what he wants, and for these five minutes, it’s to have you do what he asks. After sex, he could just discard you in disdain and claim he can’t get past the whole involving his family stuff. Think about it… “never” is a very strong, definitive statement. I think he knows exactly what he intends to do with you, and I think he has self-centered, ill intentions.

  13. I hope that my comment about t’s weakness didn’t offend anyone, especially you positivagirl. I didn’t mean it as a negative at all. I only meant that she, just like all of us, although we can feel weak at times, are truly strong inside. Just to have come through a traumatic experience like this speaks to that in volumes. I am so very thankful for this site and the insight that everyone here shares and in no way at all did I mean any harm or to ‘cross’ what you were saying in your advice. That’s why I continued to say, “please listen to positivagirl” because your advice and experience is so full of wisdom and positive instruction. I have learned so much from you and am so grateful to be here because years later, it’s still helping me and I am able to take the knowledge that you provide here and encourage others because of the help you provide on this great site. Please accept my sincere apologies if I have offended anyone because that was never (and will never be) my intention.

    Positivagirl, I think you’re beautiful. You are truly an inspiration.

    1. Hey afosterchild, If I may, I don’t think that you have offended anyone. What you wrote was from your heart and the meaning of what you wrote came through. When I read your response, I thought how lovely it was and how great it was that you had covered another side that I had not. That is the great thing about having all these wonderful people here, giving our side, our thoughts, our feelings, is that you get all different sides of the coin.
      I personally have always spoken to many different friends and family so I can get as many different thoughts as I can and then I figure out which one resonates the most with me. But I like to look at everything from everyside before I make a decision. I hope that most others here do that too. Advice can be dangerous. And you are right, things can be taken the wrong way (even more easily when written rather than spoken), or lead to a path that is not the intended from the advice giver, that is why it can be dangerous. That is why I hope that everyone here listens but ultimately does what feels fight to them and make their own decisions.
      We are lucky that POs is such an expressive writer, but sometimes even hers can come through not as she intends. We are all responsible for ourselves. Advice can be good but ultimately we are responsible for ourselves.
      You have been a great support to many here. I am glad you are here 🙂 (except of course I wish you werent because then you wouldn’t have been through this horrible experience :-))
      Peace x

    2. @ afosterchild
      Don’t worry we all put our foot in it 😉
      I have done it many times 🙂 🙂
      My Grandfather always said, ‘Kindness can be seen as weakness so, be careful who you are kind too”….wise words indeed 🙂
      We are all strong & sometimes we are weak but, we do rise when we need too 🙂

      Keep Rising above the Soc treatment & experience, the only way over it is through it, warts & all 😉

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Thanks for your encouragement Pheonix Rising and It Is Done – I’m so glad to be here because the support is wonderful and I know I’d never get it from friends or family because they really don’t understand what it’s really like. I’m happy that we have each other, but I wish it wasn’t under the umbrella of hurt and pain. My heart goes out to all of us and I know that this experience will serve to be the healing that we all need and will allow us to help others as we go along our way. I know it was meant for me to find this site. I’m a firm believer that you always find what you need along the way.

  14. Well my ex of 3 years who I have stupidly continued to support, rescue and be way too over involved with stole my phone the other day, read my messages and became enraged that I said nasty things to people about her and her partner (who was my best friend) I saw today the term narcissistic tantrum and that sounds so true…I am on my first day of no contact after 18 years…..it’s hard

    1. Aragh – https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/sociopath-need-for-control-stalking-hacking-and-snooping/

      Actually she has no right to be stealing and reading your phone.

      Yes – sounds like she had narcissistic rage …. https://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/sociopathic-need-for-control/narcisstic-rage/

      It is really hard in the beginning to try to do no contact. 18 years is a very long time to be with someone. You might find that you slip a bit at first, each time that you do, it brings pain, so you return to NO Contact. Sometimes it can take a while, to move forward and move on.

      Whatever, we do truly understand what you are going through.

  15. You have saved my life and so many others with your posts. Everyone gave up on me after my relationship with a sociopath, and I was on the verge of suicide many times. Then, by God’s good grace, I asked my spirit guides to send me someone who would help me, and then I found your site. I have read every one of your posts, and every time I have PTSD from what I had experienced, I always end up back at your site, revisiting your amazing, life-changing, truly validating articles and realize that I never was alone. There are thousands of us with the same life changing stories that have gotten sanctuary and validation, along with comfort and love from you. You are truly an amazing spirit, and it is so good to know that despite all of the evil that is out there, there is still exceptional human beings such as yourself to help guide our damaged souls into recovery and resurrection.
    From the depths of my soul, thank you for saving my life.

  16. Thank you. This is proof if ever there was, that although at times we question God’s work, there is always a reason behind it. If you had not gone through what you had, you would never have created this amazing site that has helped so many. You are extraordinary. A lot of people admire celebriries for their wealth, acting abilities, etc., but I admire you and what you have done fore so many of us silent survivors. You deserve to be recognized as a top advocate and leader of abused persons everywhere. So, again, a big THANK YOU!!!!

  17. Same here! 🙂 PG What you’re doing here is wonderful, already I’ve been given, like others here, valuable insights and tools to help equp me for the future. 🙂
    Thank you everyone else too who writes about their experiences, emotions the experience brought about etc here, it takes great courage to open up this way and has allowed me to see that the emotions I experienced, weren’t unique to myself, that people are here who ” get ” what it does to your very being.
    I’ve never seen it with such clarity as I do now. I love the way everyone supports and up-builds each other, it’s a lovely thing to see and experience after a long time with only my own thoughts.
    I tried to take my life with an overdose when I was 19, I nearly succeeded, mum resuscitated me, had been trained in that area and my little bro witnessed it all. My older bro’s mates rushed me to hospital, as they’d pulled up when mum was resuscitating me.
    It was my little girl, looking into her eyes as she got into bed next to me that early morning and snuggled in, I knew I had to get help, so I literally crawled to my mum’s house, where I collapsed.
    I remember a white room, well it was more like it was full of mist, or smoke, I was floating above the bed and could see mum crying, I realised she loved me. Sounds daft I know, but that bought me back. I signed myself out of the hospital, I felt ashamed, that I was weak, that I’d frightened my little bro and had considered leaving my girl on her own. I also cringed that friends etc knew about it, news soon got around.
    I realised that it wasn’t the answer and swore, no matter how bad I felt, I would never attempt to take my own life again.
    I look back now and yes I’ve had some pretty heavy stuff happen since then, but any time I hit that place again, where I wanted to die, I’d remember that day, Set 8th it was, the day I decided I wanted to live. I’ve come so far since then and achieved so much in my own little goals. If someone would have told me back then, I’d have what I have today, I would never have believed them.
    PG you have come so far from that day in your life too and in such a short space of time in comparison to myself, you’re an incredibly strong woman and I have great admiration for you and what you achieve here. 🙂 I wish there was a like button too for all the comments here by everyone. 🙂
    Sending love and light. 🙂

    1. Hi Jen,

      Thanks for sharing your story 🙂
      It feels good to get it off your chest & not feel ashamed of what happened as it has happened to many of us.
      I for one am glad I didn’t succeed as I would have caused such heartache for my loved ones 😦
      I also would never have had my two most amazing gifts, my children 🙂 🙂 they have given me so much joy, can’t imagine never knowing them 🙂
      I wish you continued success & well being 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Hi PR, 🙂
        Thank you for the reassurance etc it’s very much appreciated, I also wish you the same. 🙂 It’s the first time I’ve ever wrote about it, I try not to look back if I can, it brings tears to my eyes still. It’s been a long hard haul to get to where I am today.
        I was so alone throughout my life, at least it felt like that, it was like a dark long wet winter inside throughout most of it, barring my magical times when I was lost in my creativity and the lovely times with my children.
        I had my son 5 years later, they’re both grown up now and I have a beautiful grandson and another grandson due in February.
        I love them all dearly and that love is returned by all of them, we flow together as a unit. 😀
        My children call me Mather, as I played the roll of mother and father. My life’s magical now in comparison. We live near each other and are together most of the time and do lots of fun things, not really involving going anywhere as such, but simple family things, normal things, what I always yearned for is now my reality. 😀
        Both my children say to me, they had a lovely childhood, where I was concerned, I’ve spent more years on my own, than with anyone, so. I feel like I broke the chains with them, that’s my biggest achievement so far. 😀
        I was always honest about myself, my emotions etc. I would tell them why. My mum hid her anguish from me, I could feel her pain, but she would never elaborate, when she was sad etc. Poor love had a terrible life, so did my father growing up. That’s how I don’t lay blame anymore, got past that one and it’s a nice place to be
        Our immediate generations before us ( my age group, I’m 47 ), grew up in 2 world wars, what trauma and legacies would that create thereafter?
        Think of the present day conflicts, how horrific they are. My son came out of the forces with PSTD and depression, he was signed into my care and there was no help. He’s just one of very many in the present times.( He’s back on track and working now, but it was a hard couple of years for me to get my son back.)
        I believe we can beat these chains that bind our spirits, with love, empathy, compassion, understanding and positive thinking.
        What I have learned though, is not to do anything that’s to the detriment of my well being and to be very careful who I share these gifts with. To trust my ” gut ” feelings too, it’s a built in inner guidance system there to keep us safe and well if we listen to it and take heed.
        There are shadow people on this realm ( evil, on the dark side, whatever terminology you choose to use. Me being a artist, I choose the aforementioned and gentler terminology for these entities )
        ” What we think about, we bring about ” So please keep the belief and the faith no matter how difficult it may seem at the time, that it does really get better, it has for me. 🙂
        Love and light your way
        Jen. XXX

  18. It is so sad that a soc can leave you so desolate you think of ending it all for yourself. I know the feeling, but really not close to doing anything, just the thought of what is the point when nothing is happy?
    You think you are healing and moving on and then along comes a holiday like Christmas and you remember the good and the bad also. Then I think I have made it through and give myself a pat on the back again. When the brain is bruised ( that is how I like to describe the aftermath of a soc) then it takes a while to heal, but it does. I sometimes get angry that I spend so much time dealing with what this loser did to me, but then again I am glad I am “normal” and deal, unlike him who just replaces you.

    1. Ditto that.NMSP 🙂
      I am still annoyed at myself for allowing the abuse to continue & waste 10 years of my life for such a pig.
      Still here we are & we are not alone so, never give up as that’s what the Soc wants, total control & domination & all at our expense.
      We’ve all been burned but, rise up like a Phoenix & recreate & renew the great people that we all are.

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Something occurred to me the other day …

        When someone steals your money, damages your property or hurts you physically, you can take legal action. But if someone betrays your trust and leaves you an emotional wreck, there is nothing you can do except wait to heal. There is no practical action you can take.

        People will tell you to count your blessings and be strong, but what you want (need) is to see justice served. It’s crazy that you are expected to ACT when you are financially swindled or physically attacked, but emotional hurt must be faced with patience and silence, and pretty much on your own. This isn’t right. Emotional wounds are as debilitating as physical ones, and often take longer to heal because they are not treated with the same urgency or care. Those of us who suffer emotional pain often feel helpless because there is little else to do but wait to get better. We can do all the stuff recommended in self-help manuals: keep busy and distracted, meet new people, try new things, travel etc, but imagine the same advice being given to someone who’s been physically assaulted or had their property vandalised, or their car stolen!

        The problem is that it’s not illegal to cause emotional damage. You can trick someone to spend money on you, sleep with you, give you their heart. You can cheat on them and destroy their self-esteem, and you can just walk away, scot-free. That’s just the way it is. It’s not right, but that’s the way it is.

        And if you say that the person who hurt you must pay for what he’s done, you are advised to “let it go”, “don’t be bitter”, “let karma do the work”. No one says that to someone whose business partner has embezzled funds, or to someone who’s had an attempt made on their life. In those cases, everyone is behind bringing the perpetrator of the crime to justice.

        What I’m getting at is that I feel not enough credit is given to our feelings of wanting some sort of recourse. I’m not saying we should hire people to break these sociopaths’ legs or burn their houses down, but I am saying that our need for action should be acknowledged and not dismissed.

        I’m tired of being told to forgive and forget. I’m tired of being told to stop wasting my time thinking about him and focus on myself. Do people think I WANT to think about him? Obviously, I WILL stop in time, but I think it doesn’t help that there is nothing I can do (like report him to the police) that will help bring about a quicker resolution.

        I’m grateful for my therapist who did not suggest that I was bitter and twisted for uttering curses and burning effigies. These physical actions helped tremendously. Writing about our experiences helps too, It’s cathartic and I feel it’s important to share what we’ve been through — through sites likes this one, blogs etc. It’s a practical and proactive way to hit back at these scumbags, and it’s a way to actually punish them (by exposure) for their actions.

        To this end, I’ve decided to write a non-fiction account about what happened to me.

        I say non-fiction because I’ve already started writing two short stories based on my experiences with the Scumbag.

        It’s my way of “doing” instead of just riding it out in silence, like some many people have suggested i do.

        Be strong, my friends, and find a way to stand up for yourselves against the sociopaths in your lives. I really feel that it helps.

        Love & Peace

      2. You’re right that the betrayal emotionally is just as wrong as a physical assault. You’re also right that there is no immediate reinforcement for justice.

        I don’t think however, (at least from my perspective) that encouraging victims to not enable the predator to further abuse, even from afar, by giving him/her access to the psyche in an ongoing way, is the absence of action. I think it’s a self-protective measure to damage-control, and a healing measure to not become eternally embittered—these people don’t deserve the tie to our souls through our emotional thought.

        That said, like you, there are times I can’t turn it off. I think both of us are saying that wallowing and shelving are not “fixing” measures, so what can we do?

        I think the frontline of defense is a supportive therapist, as you’ve said. I hesitate somewhat to tell my therapist that I am still thinking of him daily, sometimes for lesser periods, sometimes greater. But, I figure that’s what she’s there for and, like yours, mine doesn’t give me the impression she’d chastise me for STILL dragging this on. On the contrary, what I think she will really recommend is some fundamental brain retraining to stop the patterns he was able to mysteriously ingrain in a short amount of time. (I really thought I got away without much impact, but the intrusive thoughts prove differently.)

        I love your idea of your non-fiction book and getting it outside of yourself while also helping others. Being on this site helps me. But something else that helps me is dealing with my internal self. This is not easy work. Sometimes, I actually don’t want to ask God to close that gate on the soc’s connection line, though I know I’m empowered to do so. How crazy does that sound? The guy is bringing in nothing good. The longer I think about him, the more I realize how vicious it all was (and his ex-wife has known him 19 years, still has sex with him, and is yet to escape his bond, though, in her own mind, she has “moved on”!). I don’t want to participate in the Stockholm Syndrome experience where I lie to myself, but completely disconnecting is slower going than I expected.

        Please don’t take this in the wrong spirit, but to me, also stipulating that we need some justified recourse suggests we are the victims we so staunchly defend that we are NOT. Your own actions support your survivor mentality. And whether it seems like slow justice and little immediate comfort or not, these people are and will suffer. That is the basic law of the universe that everything has an equal and opposite reaction. They are not getting off “scot-free”. They cannot survive alone. This, they do know and envy about us.

        As we know, they are behaving according to their nature, but proving emotional abuse to reinforce formal punishment would likely be as difficult an investigative task as the length of time it takes us to recover and heal ourselves through knowledge, self-change and support systems. Yes, this does leave them “free” to “offend” again. But, you know, some people don’t need to be imprisoned within walls to be caged and limited in their lives.

        The Tom Sheridan book, “Puzzling People”, supposes they (the soc’s) are here for a reason, however. I personally believe they may be satan’s army remnants sent to challenge. And because satan himself was cast out, he no longer cares whether they push the target to the point of compromise in order to soul-claim which as we know, to a psychopath, getting others to bend to their will is a triumph.

        I don’t think revenge or formal justice helps in this case any more than it helps in the case where the murderer is sentenced to lethal injection. It doesn’t help us in the most important of ways—in our soul healing. That is something the soc definitely can’t assist with, and that his absence/isolation/death doesn’t change or improve.

      3. Yay 1Redflower 🙂

        I am also writing as, it is healing etc…
        It is also a need to raise awareness & if one of us gets the message to the masses via a book, then that is ‘Justice’.
        This blog has raised our awareness & given us support & knowledge.
        What we do with it, is up to each individual.
        So many stories, so much heartbreak but, so much Power & Validation 🙂
        We are not alone & united we stand 🙂
        Keep fighting the fight & finding the light 1red & together, we will make a difference as Positiva has & is 🙂

        Love & Light & Happy 2014!
        PR xoxo

  19. I am not a poster, often an observer on forums, but just wanted to say THANK YOU for sharing your story. My story is so similar that I just had to comment…everything from losing being the mother I so wanted to be to my child and my sociopathic ex at the same time. Thank you for your line: “You never know what miracle lies just around the corner. Are you going to risk missing it?” Just wanted to say that you are an inspiration, and the advice on your site is invaluable! Wishing happiness and peace in 2014:)

  20. The link to the USA Suicide Hotlines is broken. Initially I took that as a sign – not a good one. But, your story was pretty powerful and made some good points. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but the story almost seems too contrived. Even if the jail cell part is contrived, you make very good points. But I am stuck with the burden of a personality that demands brutal honesty, justice, fairness – and I say burdened with because that is just a fantasy in the real world we live in. I can’t accept “The end justifies the means ” when the means are not the absolute truth. I have lost everything and feel very much like where you were at – lost family, home, personal possessions, money, all hope. I was once secure and now I will have to work until I am in my 70s or beyond. I am still being attacked. I have looked up methods and the time it takes and the pain levels involved. Please tell me you actually did get put in a jail cell. I don’t care if it was white, purple or green. If I told you just half of the details of my experience, you would be apt to think I am full of it – it is that bizarre and unbelievable. So I don’t know why I have the nerve to question your jail cell experience which is actually pretty straight forward. I feel like an ass now. You surely must know how this type of abuse makes mincemeat of an otherwise very healthy mind. For some reason if I knew the jail cell part were true it would give me a lot of hope. So tell me the truth – and please lie if you need to. See – I have even lost my mind trying to find hope. I am posting this anyway because maybe someone can identify with it. So, I feel like an ass; I apologize and thank you for taking the time to post this. Just one life saved is invaluable. Don’t forget the link though….thanks 🙂

  21. Wow PS this is so beautifully written , the things we are blessed with we often ignore and take them for granted till we fear losing them . Life is so much beautiful without lies and deception .. In relationships trust is the most important thing but with these paths we cn never get it as they are not capable of it infact they are not capable of running any relationship dey just play their games .. What doesn’t kill u makes u stronger if it hasn’t killed u ( taking ur life for anyone ?? Not worth it .. Those worth it will never let you reach that point ) girls remember u deserve to be loved with all heart and care which u wl never gt from paths as they are emotionally challenged .. Its a short term pain for long term gain and if we are over this nothing can break u in life .. I hv dated a path for 1.5 yrs and it has changed me a lot .. He only knows games and dey all r same dere is no scope of improvement .. We shud have some mercy on us atleast we deserve a beautiful life .. How dey put every blame on u and how dey make u feel guity .. How they are contantly texting u ( initial 3,4 months of relationship ) , how they talk about marriage immediately and show u a picture of promising future ( baseless and illusion) and make u feel u are in fairyland .. Then ?????? Then starts torture and lies deception . Infact lies were there right from begining u were just ignoring them coz of the fear of losing dat false dream .. Mine lied about everything his mom’s religion , his dad’s rank , showed pic of his real sis saying she broke his heart ( I know how sick is that ) would do false check in on facebook telling the world he is a five star hotels ( LOL yest one f my freiend asked me if he is at US she got to know from fb and if he is engaged ) I only laughed as he is capable of lying to any levels putting any pic of any girl and lying about where he is by managing privacy settings .. Anywaz the more u think bout it the more crazy you become ,I am not goin to waste more time on it .. God bless all .. Hope everybody is doing fine ..

  22. I feel like taking my life all the time. I left a psychopath last summer. The problem with the USA suicide hotline is they are mostly paid hospital staff and often get angry at you when you phone. They basically want to phone the police or have you get off the phone. They get angry if you want to talk. So I can’t phone them anymore. He tore my soul to pieces. I was such a quiet gentle girl. Now I am a ghost. But I appreciate what you wrote about warm blankets. And being able to have a bath. Sometimes I can watch a film. That’s all I hang on too. But I used to be a real person with friends and dreams and innocence. All gone. It was kind of you to take the time to write all that. I just don’t feel anything will help me now.

    1. Hi Jilly, have just seen your comment. When you feel that all of your life has gone, and been burned to the ground. When you feel that have nothing left. Yes you do still have you. I am sorry that you have felt that when you called a suicide hotline, that staff didn’t listen to you. What you need is to be offered hope, and fresh opportunities. I know that it is tough when you have lost everything. But you know you ARE still a real person, and those dreams inside of you, they are still YOUR dreams, even if someone else came in and tarnished them. They are still your dreams. You need to start from day 1 and see it to start one day at a time. So, first of all you say that you have lost your dreams. Ok, a way to find your dreams again, is to do an aspiration board. Just get magazines, cut out words and pictures, and glue those words and pictures onto the card, and then put it somewhere where you can see it. Letting go, or feeling that you have been so hurt, let down, betrayed or deceived, is so painful. But the beauty of you, is still within you. The first stage is to start to love yourself. I know that this is hard, when you don’t have others in your life to lift you up, and lift your spirits. also, and quite importantly, have you seen your doctor? To see if they can talk with you about medication, or therapy? This might help to make you feel better within. When innocence is taken, it is tough as you feel like you have lost a part of you, and your view of the world is forever changed. But with the loss of innocence comes wisdom, sending you a HUGE hug!! x

    2. HiJilly
      I feel the same. Got discarded for the 9th and last time by a narcissist. And I love her.

      I imagine you.
      I want to help you too.
      I wish I could meet someone real.
      But dont think I can.

      I care.
      Cape Town. S.A.

  23. To Nothingleftofme:
    I bet you wont be reading this ever now, but I thought the same about the jail cell. i can believe it but it does confuse me because in Florida and in Michigan and in Georgia and N. Carolina if you call Suicide Hotlline or police for suicidal feellings they take you to the hospital psyche ward. If you were in a police cell how do they do suicide watch? Don’t you need medical attention if you are suicidal? I did wonder also, but can believe anything in this awful world.

    1. In the UK what they do, is they can take you to a police cell for your own protection. A police officer sits on guard outside, so you are not there to be punished. They then ask you to see someone to see if they feel that you are at risk. They then ask you to see a psychiatrist, who will assess you, if you are still talking of ending your life, then they can section you. In UK they cannot force you into treatment unless they think that you are at risk of harm to either self or others. I don’t know how it works elsewhere, but I would imagine it would be similar?

  24. The psychopath I was dealing with has completely destroyed my life, caused me so much damage to the level I left the whole country, the whole continent.. I lost my job, my child, my friends, family and everything , even my ambition to live is almost lost after the experience.
    I left the country and never coming back, and now living in a country that I never been into before.
    I’m having suicidal thoughts from time to time. But; on the other hand, I’m a faithful person who believes in God. And I strongly believe that God is testing me, testing my patience and how much I can take.
    I’ve almost lose hope, but still hanging, working hard to adapt to the new situation, and waiting for the day when life gets better. I’m waiting and waiting for that moment, the moment when I look back in the past and thank God that it happened. Pray me me

  25. I was with a Narcissistically damaged individual for 7 years, and realized by own damage in this time. I even let him take me camping this Christmas. But the nasty flips, the inability to own up to mistreatment, to total cold invalidation (“you’re over sensitive”) continued. I got away and then let him back in. I have no own place, limited money and no family as support (I have two Narcissistic parents and a narcissistic older brother who lives nearby, who never came to help me or support after the fire). I am alone but I understand many on the planet end up trapped with these creatures, perhaps as a test who knows. All i know is I will continue to make a stand in the face of ABUSE. I will say no to games. I will always voice my feelings. And if someone doesn’t like them (say, a person living a lie) thats their problem. Maybe we will triumph if we all continue to strengthen our defenses and brighten our inner lights. These types are inherently miserable. And no doubt if you’re been targeted you are as bright as they come. So celebrate your already-victory. You FEEL you are HUMAN and your empathy will see you right. Even if it means crying over and over again. Then remember – these types have no empathy and don’t care about you, unless you are doing A and B and following their script. This is conditional love. Don’t delude yourself. Remember your sensitive empathic nature and begin focusing back on yourself and away from those who tormet you. Life is too short. And those who perpetuate pain and abuse will find themselves in their own Hell. But thats no reason to join them. Stay bright, and know that nothing is as it seems, If monsters walk among us, then I salute all those who stand up to them and ultimately leave them alone where they deserve to be.
    May we all heal who have been hurt by selfish, unfeeling, cold and often sadistically cruel people who show no remorse for what they have done. May their numbers dwindle on planet earth so we can reclaim our lives of happy. One day at a time. Each time you say YES to life, you say NO to these creeps.
    To live. And to PEACE.

  26. I truly appreciate this post. I am curious as to how you determined that you have loved a sociopath/ narcissist? It appears to me that many people believe that such an individual is responsible for making a person want to end their life. Many say this will do nothing to a sociopath/narcissist but I think they are missing the point. The point is that whatever the reason is, a person has decided that they no longer belong on this earth. I was curious to read how a relationship with a sociopath/narc would evoke feelings of worthlessness, but instead read your story. I have to say it is beautiful. It reinforced my beliefs.

  27. Here I was today, feeling suicidal and unappreciated. After giving my Narcissistic Ex another chance, he has proven to me once again that he was not worth my time. I was so depressed and emotional. I was so afraid to discuss this anyone because I don’t think they’d understand. But you do. You are an angel in disguise. Your words have touched a place in my heart that I did not know existed. YOU LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE. I will never forget this day. Thank you so much for your kind words, thank you for even putting things into perspective. I kept thinking that if I went, the Narcissist would finally appreciate me since he couldn’t use me anymore. God bless your heart. Your story has changed my life forever. May God grant you all the peace and love he can give you and may your precious daughter rest in the arms of Jesus Christ. Amen.

      1. I’m feeling much better today. I’m not 100% there yet. However, I’m happy I didn’t go 🙂 Thanks again.

  28. Just a short one …

    I think you probably saved my soul / life just then.

    White space was engulfing me.

    The only thought holding me back was my daughter and my mum- how it would ruin their lives for ever. The only thing planting my feet here was my absolute love for them.

    But where could I go?

    I started boiling up into madness. I wanted to run out of the house and just run and run and scream and never stop.

    Insanity or death.

    During the ‘relationship” I always saw myself as that young girl from the Vietnam war, captured in an iconic picture, running naked and crying in desperation. That was me. How i felt perpetuallying with him.

    I really thought insanity or death were my only two options an hour ago.

    Your words really have brought me back down to ground.

    It’s going to be the shittiest, toughest, worst time ahead of me , but the difference now is: what I have just read.

    And …. I aim to pass the baton. I hope to save someone else’s life. I know how I intend to do it. I was a writer and an artist before I met him. I will be again soon.

    Seriously, thank you. x

    1. Hi Ema, I am here do you want to talk. I was writing a post the other day I did not post… it was on December 10th, called ‘suicide, let’s talk about it’…. as it was 3 years ago on December 10th that I took a serious overdose to end my life.

      I can promise you, that 3 years later I am really happy that I wasn’t successful. I have moved to a beautiful new home. Life is rebuilding, and I am happy. I would have missed so much, had I taken my life.

      I am pleased that you found me.

  29. The relation destroyed every part of me , in a short period my personality has switched 180° , I become like a monster with people and now i become lonely and depressed , the relation lead me to do things that i regret from i weak up till i go sleep , I’m having PTSD i think (nightmares), can’t sleep or eat or doing normal activites , i can’t also talk too much or enjoying activities that i used to do , my friends asks me why i become so different , i can’t tell them , I lost money , my values , myself , I see myself as worthless person , I’m afraid also of the sociopath to continue ruining my life even after breakup , I think a person who haven’t been in a relation with sociopath can feel the way we feel that’s why i post in this website where every time i feel like i want to end my life i come and repeat reading the articles but i don’t think only reading will help me , I don’t know what to do and i don’t wont to regret anything later

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