If you feel that you have lost ‘everything’ if you feel that there is nothing to go on for. Please do one thing – read this post before you attempt to take your life. Reading this post won’t take too much of your time.
Ending of the sociopath relationship, can feel like a bereavement – go gentle on yourself.
When I was at the lowest ebb of my life – I saw a message. I think it was on Facebook. The message simply said
You are never given more in this life, than what you can carry
I swallowed hard, and thought ‘what a joke’. My heart was broken. I was so traumatized, that the future was literally a white space. Worse, the person that I ached to be with was my daughter who was in heaven. I also so wanted to be her mother. Her father had also left days after her death and refused to speak to me. I felt like they had both died. In a microsecond, my life, my future and everything that I had held dear to me, was taken away. There was NOTHING that I could do to change a thing. I had lost all hope. My future was gone, and I was afraid to face what was next to come in my life. This feeling, just made me feel that the only logical solution would be to not be here anymore.
How could I possibly face the future? Fear froze me, causing paralysis. I was so frightened of both the present and the future the fear felt unbearable. On top of this, I had verbal abuse via text from the narcissist psycho who had groomed me. I felt that I had little to nothing left to live for. The light had gone out. The hope was gone. I felt that there was not one thing left to hold onto. Without hope, I felt that I had nothing.
I recall around this time, in desperation, just for some hope, for anybody to say to me, that ‘it would get better’ or even that ‘this pain would soon go’
Someone said to me around this time, as I sobbed
‘I have lost everything, I have nothing left’.
The response was a blunt, simple, but honest one.
You haven’t lost everything, you still have yourself?
This response, at the time felt like an insult. Looking back, they were very wise words, and also incredibly true. I just couldn’t see it at the time.
I was still traumatised, had severe PTSD (but didn’t know this at the time), I couldn’t actually see further than a few days ahead. The rest was a white space. It was a frightening experience.
As time wore on and things felt worse, my hope diminished. I felt that I had nothing left to live for anymore. I spoke to a friend, and explained how I was feeling. She was clearly at a loss to help, and must have called the police. Half an hour later, I heard a knock at my front door. The police had arrived at my house. They asked me questions in the kitchen, even though I tried to persuade them that I was ok, they called my friend who urged them to make sure that I was safe.
When we are at our lowest point, it is difficult to think straight. Around you are darkness, and you lose sight of hope, or that anything will ever get better.
What was to happen on this day was to be an important life lesson to me about suicide.
At that time I felt
Traumatised
Hopeless
Full of fear and anxiety – about my life today – and what comes next
Frightened
Tired and exhausted
Alone
Angry
Cheated
Believing that I would, and my life would always be this way
It felt quite surreal, as I sat in the back of the police car on the way to the station. I was placed (as all people who get taken in) into a police cell. This seemed outrageous to me. The police reassured me that I had done nothing wrong, and that I was not in trouble. My heart sank, as I was handed a blanket, and as I walked towards this hard bench in a white cell, I heard the clunk of heavy keys click as the door locked behind me. My heart ached and I wondered, just how did my life get this way, only months ago, I had felt happy, in love, in a new home, and expecting our baby. Now – my life had came to this?
As a spiritual person, I have always had fairly strong spiritual beliefs. I do not know if these beliefs are true, they are my own personal beliefs (I understand that not everybody has them). I had always had the following beliefs about suicide – this was either taught to me in spiritual church, or things that I had read over the years. I guess this was my own belief system of what happens after you take your life.
These thoughts flashed through my head whilst I sat in the cell, staring at the white tiles on the wall. As the time passed (although I had no real concept of time, there was no clock, no watch, and nothing else to tell the time) Without ANYTHING that was tangible in my life. REALLY HAVING NOTHING…I suddenly thought woaooah….. This might be EXACTLY what it is like to be dead. Nothing…. Just a white space…. I might be stuck there in this white space, until it would have been my time to die on earth. Or I would have to learn the painful lessons I would have learned down here in this lifetime, up there in spirit. I knew that this could take longer. I knew that lessons are quicker to learn on earth than they are in the spirit realm.
Do you know how it felt, actually knowing that you CAN’T pick up the phone to call somebody? You can’t do that when you are dead.
I do not really know what I conceive ‘God’ to be. But if ever there was a time, that I had connection to spirit, this was one of those times. All that I had was this white space, myself and a bench. With everything in my world taken away – It forced me to bring back to focus, what I still HAD left in this world. I thought what if this was a similar experience to how ‘death’ was? if it was, is this what death could look like if I took my life?…. just nothing, a white empty space?
I think I needed to have everything taken away from me. People, family, friends, physical things, my home, my material possessions, the outdoors, the arts, literature, the freedom to travel, to work, to create, to achieve, to overcome challenges. Right then, at that moment in my life, this white space of ‘nothing’ was all that I had.
The longer that I sat there, without being able to connect to anybody and I started to miss things that I had in my life. I couldn’t call my friends or family (right then, at that point – I wanted to, but I couldn’t). I thought, what if I could never make another call ever again, have those people hear me, answer me back, if I was never able to say goodbye or to speak to them? Just to give them a hug? To never watch a comedy show, go to the theatre or an art gallery? I realised at that point…. if this was all that there was. This was really the point, where hope had gone. Despite the white space, there was little else.
Right then, at that moment, as everything was taken away from my life – It made me realise all that I did have in my life. I had a bed to sleep in that was comfortable. It wasn’t like this cold bench in the cell. I had a warm bed coverings and a comfortable sofa. I could have a bath. I was free to go for a walk in the park, and see the seasons change. These were things in my life that I KNEW. I knew that these things were here, I just never valued them. Or at least I didn’t until they were taken away. I realised that taking my life, would be more of a trip to the unknown, than if I were to stay here.
My thoughts were cast back to earlier in the year when my own daughter died. I thought of my daughters funeral. I felt a sense of responsibility and pain for others grief. I realised that as they hadn’t met my daughter – that this was an outpouring of grief for me. It was as if I had already attended my own funeral. I had been surprised. I didn’t know so many people cared. I thought – I would hurt those people too if I took my life. This felt an overwhelming burden and sense of responsibility.
I sat in the empty cell for all of those hours (which felt too long) and this forced me to contemplate my own life and the value of my life. In the short space of time that I had sat in that cell (which was around 5-6 hours) I was starting to miss things, which I had taken for granted and the longer I sat in the white space, the more that I realised that I wanted to get out of here, so that I could go home, and make a call, to speak to somebody. So that I could curl up in my bed, or have a hot bath. Listen to music, light a candle, I realised that I had the power to do whatever I wanted to. I could create my own life. I had far more than I realised. The ride in the car home, I felt like a person that had just been through a life lesson like Ebenzer Scrooge in the film The Christmas Carol. The pain in my heart was still there. I couldn’t change what had happened. But I also realised, that being here, at least I did have the opportunity and choice to change my life.
I knew it wasn’t my time to die. What if I had given up and taken my life in 2010? If I had, this website wouldn’t exist. By me, not taking my life, I am able to write this website. This is what I say to you, if your life is so bad, if you are stuck in the fear. Please remember this:
There is nothing that you cannot overcome. There is nothing in this life that is so frightening that you cannot survive it. Do you know, that when you overcome adversity and when you overcome something that you cannot bear, when the pain is just too much to go on…This will be the time that you look back at, and realise that YES you changed. You will look back at a stronger you, that you are far stronger than the person that you were before, and will be thankful that it happened. Yes that is right THANKFUL THAT IT HAPPENED!!! You just cannot see it at the time when you are in it, unless like me, you are forced to see it.
Even if you feel that you have NOTHING…. if you feel that you have nothing left to live for, nobody to talk to and nothing to start your life with. I want you to remember – that you still have you and you will also have your story. One day your story – might just save someone else’s life.
Don’t give up. You never know what is around the corner. Don’t quit before the best has happened!!! Today I am happy. I am glad that I went through what I did. It was good to go through the rain – as now I can enjoy the sun when it shines. Whilst I lived in a world of darkness, this was ok, as it made me truly smile from the inside, when the sun started to shine through again.
All that you need is HOPE…. and I hope that this post can offer you some. Of course, yes, I still went through some rough times. Only this time, I reached out to others and asked for help.
If you feel that you are at risk of taking your life. Please DO talk to someone. You are not alone. You do not need to be alone. If you give up now, you could be giving up on what is the best time of your life. If I had given up that year in 2010 – I would have missed my granddaughter being born 18 months after my daughters death. Still, today – hearing her little voice, makes me smile a smile from the inside, that in 2010 I never thought was possible. You never know what miracle lies just around the corner. Are you going to risk missing it? You do not know what your future holds. Just know that whatever it is, it will be right for you.
Faith
Hope
Trust
Belief
If life feels overwhelming, focus on what you do have, and what you CAN change. You always have the ability to change you!!
Please seek help. Speak to someone. See a health professional who can help you to work through how you are feeling. As how you are feeling right now – might not be how you would feel in the future – and you might miss the best of your future!! If you were successful at taking your life – once you have gone – it is too late, you can’t change your mind and come back. I was lucky – I could leave the police cell, and come back to my ‘life’. This was at least ‘hope’.
I can honestly say that since this time, I have been through some rough times. But, never ever once did I think about taking my life again. Not ever. I don’t think I ever will again. No matter what life throws at me, I will get through. You can too. It is now time to be a survivor, not a victim.
If you are feeling at risk of taking your life, if the pain feels unbearable, PLEASE…. just call a number in your area, of a phone number – someone who can listen to you. After you make the call, you might not feel like taking your life.
One day – in the future…. when life is better, you will look back, and think – ‘thank god I didn’t’.
NOBODY is worth taking your own life for. Sociopaths and Narcissists are excellent at making you feel worthless, abandoned and alone, and that your life will never get better. This is not true. Don’t think that taking your life will make them feel sorry, it won’t. Realistically, not all suicides are successful. Many attempts can cause lifelong damage to you, and to your internal organs. You might still live, but your life could be much worse, and more difficult.
Here are some places to contact – if you are in other countries in the world, please can you let me know help information, so that I can add to the list.
Max Ehrmann, “Desiderata”Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
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Dating a Sociopath 