Tag Archives: healing recovery

Why breaking the no contact rule is a VERY bad idea after an abusive relationship!!


I admit, it can be tempting. That pull in your stomach to just speak to your former partner. You want the pain in your heart to go away. You reason with yourself, that if you could just have contact one more time, you can resolve things and the pain will go away. Or perhaps you want to tell the sociopath exactly what you think of him/her.

As tempting as this might be, breaching no contact is not a good idea. The No Contact rule is there for a reason. It is there to allow you space to think and space to grow and heal.  You almost certainly wouldn’t have had space to think whilst in the relationship. It is also about having control over you, and your life, and not being abused further. You could try walking forward, but you won’t do this, if you keep your shoes glued to the ground you are stood on. To move forward you need to let go.

Benefits of No Contact

  • You retain dignity
  • You do NOT give your abuser any further information about you (as any information that you do give – can later be manipulated)
  • You are feeding the addiction to the abuser. You are therefore lengthing your pain
  • When you break no contact, even if the contact was good, all that this does, is to start the cycle again. By keeping to No Contact you move forward rather than round in a circle.
  • The sociopath is NOT your saviour. If you look back, can you not see that they destroyed you and your life? Why give them an opportunity to do this to you again?
  • You give yourself space to heal, grow and recover
  • You are weaning yourself off of the deliberate addiction and dependency created by the sociopath
  • You are forced to focus on you. On recovering your life
  • Without the sociopath you will reach out to others
  • It hurts – but you will move out of the fog of confusion
  • You avoid the pain of the sociopath hurting you some more and prevent them from telling you either how great their new life is without you, or allow them to put you down, or threaten you
  • You send a clear message to the sociopath – they no longer have a hold or control over you

What do you expect to achieve by breaking the No Contact rule?

If you make contact, and tell them how you really feel about them, do you think that they will feel bad? Believe me, feeling bad is the last thing that they will be thinking. Instead, a more likely response will be for your contact to inflate their ego. As they tell their ‘wonderful self’ ‘idiot self’,  that another yet partner was so ‘in love’ with them. It reinforces their self belief that they are great, and wonderful, and that you are still pining after them. It will reinforce in their mind, why YOU are the one at fault. This enables them to justify their actions in their mind. Don’t think though that if you get a positive response, that this is a good thing. It isn’t, if you get a positive response, well, this will only lead to further pain, later. Always the final outcome will always be the same.

Alternative: Keep a journal, or write an email and press save to draft. The outcome is the same for you, in that you get your feelings out. The damage to you, is limited.

See also: https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/establish-no-contact/how-to-get-your-feelings-out-without-breaking-no-contact/

Remember that you have been emotionally abused. Your brain has been manipulated and controlled. Yes it can feel slightly ‘weird’ and ’empty’, after all this person has likely removed you from your own world, life and sense of reality. Likely they altered your sense of reality too.

Take heart, that no matter how damaged, your life is still there. You need time and space to reach out to you, to find your life, and your world again. It was there before the Sociopath, it will be there again after them too. That pain that you feel in your heart? Use this pain to trigger positive reaction, to make you more determined to rebuild your life for you. Treat yourself like your own best friend (would you advise your friend to contact the ex who has hurt him/her, or would you hang out with your friend and have fun?)

The sociopath will not make your life better. You know this (or you wouldn’t be reading this site).

What happens when I break No Contact?

When you break no contact, the outcome is really dependent on your abuser. How they are feeling (remember it is all about them).

  • They might be delighted to hear from you, hurray you are prepared to be used some more (maybe they are at a low ebb, or things are not going right with new supply)
  • They might even give you false empty promises or play victim so that you feel sorry for them.
  • They might falsely accuse you, or deflect blame towards you. They might call you crazy, use your contact as evidence against you, and call you a stalker, or obsessed
  • Alternatively they might take glee in ignoring your calls or texts and giving you the silent treatment.

Whether the response is good or bad. The outcome is always bad. This is about you remember? Making contact with your abuser allows one thing, you give them permission to abuse you some more. Is this what you want?

Whilst your body might be screaming and crying out for the addiction fix of the sociopath. What does having a quick fix when you are dependent achieve? It merely continues the dependency. All that can be achieved is prolonging the final outcome. Which will always be the same.

You need to see that the sociopath deliberately creates dependency to them, by having dominance over your life, and ruling you with control. They subtly feed you ‘nice’ messages to keep you hooked, and this in turn creates an addiction to the sociopath, to get that fix, and that high again. There is no need to make contact with them, unless you want more of the same treatment. Contacting them, rather than making you feel better, even if you have a temporary high, will ultimately, in the long run, make you feel worse. You will waste more of your life, and only delay the inevitable. Trust me, you will thank me later down the line when your life is feeling better, and this relationship, is just a very bad memory.

The sociopath will not change. Their behaviour patterns are so similar, readers of this site can identify with the complex behaviour of another readers partner as if it were their own. Remember that sociopaths are also compulsive pathological liars and will say anything to get what they want. Literally anything. They do not have a conscience, they do not think or care how their behaviour will affect you. What is important to them is:

  • Being in control
  • Winning

Making contact with the sociopath, will only empower them to feel that they are both winning and in control. Is this what you want? As this is how they will see it. They will see it that you cannot live without them, and that no matter how badly they treat you, you will still come back for more. At this, they think one thing ‘SUCKER’…..

Breaking the no contact rule will only cause further pain and heartache. Once again the sociopath will be centre stage. Your focus will be back to them and not on you and your own life. Sure they might tell you how they are changing, how they are being a great person now and that the next person will benefit from all that you taught them? They might even tell you about their new partner, and hurt you some more.

This is just another manipulative ruse from the sociopath. You already know that they are compulsive pathological liars, you learned this in the relationship. Do you think that they would tell you the truth now? They won’t.  They might think it is, but the reality is that they repeat patterns of behaviour. They will time and time again. If not with you, they will with someone else.

It is time for you to start loving YOU. You’re worth it. You are beautiful in your own right. Contact people who really do love you. Contact people who help you to grow and to shine, not the one who makes you feel small and insignificant. The people who truly love you, probably miss you and would love to hear from you.

If you have less people in your life at the end of the relationship, than you did in the beginning, this is a huge warning sign. Have you not lost enough? How much more do you want to lose? Believe me you WILL lose more, the longer you are with the Sociopath, the more you lose. That is the way it works with them.

What if you have already broken contact, and are now feeling horrible?

If you have, just put it down to experience. Yes you have to start again. But this is ok, as you have learned from the last time that you went no contact. You learn each time, it’s like putting your hand onto a hot fire. It burns. The more you keep doing it, eventually you will get the message. THIS PERSON IS NEVER GOING TO CARE FOR YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE TO BE CARED FOR. THIS PERSON CANNOT PUT HIS/HER NEEDS/INTERESTS BEFORE YOU – EVER!!!

Always you will incur further loss, whether this is loss of you, finances, friends, family members, career, home, possessions, guaranteed, you will have more loss.

Stick to No Contact and focus the energy on loving you!!! 🙂

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