When you are in the relationship with the sociopath, you are effectively being brainwashed. It can come as quite a shock when the sociopath suddenly discards. You can be left feeling ‘what the hell just happened?’ and struggling to come to terms with reality.
This feeling is partially shock. The truth is almost too painful to believe. You don’t want to believe it. It is easier to hang onto the false reality and illusion in your mind that the sociopath has painted. It is difficult to let go of your hopes and dreams and to realise that you have suffered all of these losses – for a big fat ‘nothing’.
I write often about the stages of bereavement and how this is important in the relationship ending with the sociopath, as you have to come to terms with that you have been involved with somebody who is not who you thought. The person that you were sharing your life with, did not exist. Was not real. At least not in the way that you thought real. What you saw was only what the sociopath allowed you to see. Which is realistically not very much at all. The sociopath in the relationship, keeps tabs on you and your life, whilst keeping their own life secret and private. They do this by their relentless games. They create a mask of illusion by
- Constantly talking so that you cannot ask questions
- Tell you that you are ‘paranoid’ or ‘keeping on’ if you do get a word in to ask questions. there is relentless chatter, to divert you from what you really want to tackle and talk about
- Lies and false information are constantly fed to you, to keep you victim and keep you captive. To derail you and keep you from the truth
- Mirroring and seduction techniques to make you feel good, and to create an artificial high (that will later make you feel dependent on the sociopath)
- Being just the person that you ‘need’ to help you through your troubles. Or offering a bright and fantastic future, to keep you hanging on string, and waiting for them to fulfil their empty promises (that they never will)
- Telling you constantly just how great they are and making you feel that you are lucky to have them in your life
- Compulsive pathological lying, dramatic actions that mask and cover their lies
All the above and many other things that sociopaths do to create their mask of illusion.
Moving from illusion to reality
When first leaving the relationship, it is common to feel confused. You do not know what to think or feel. Often your mind has been manipulated for a considerable time. You have been brainwashed. Your thoughts and emotions were cruelly manipulated and controlled. You didn’t have time to think for yourself.
Being abandoned and discarded after being treated this way, can leave you in the fog of confusion.
What is the fog of confusion?
Everybody when first leaving the relationship with the sociopath will go through the fog of confusion. You are left feeling bewildered and dazed. It is like somebody has taken you and spun you around fast 100 times. It is difficult to know what was the truth and what was the lie. When in the fog of confusion you will:
- Search for the truth and understanding
- Read all that you can, wanting the horrible truth not to be reality
- Constantly cast your mind back, and go through events in your mind over and over?
- Feel foolish and ashamed
- Struggle to find the words to explain what has happened to you
- Fear judgement from others
- Not want the truth to be real, and wanting to go back to the honeymoon period, when you were promised everything and wanting this to be reality
- Find it difficult to think with clarity
- Feel that your head feels ‘foggy’
- Want to reach out to your sociopath ex, for answers, to discover that it was all a big mistake, that the truth is not reality
Moving out of the fog of confusion
When you find the truth, you will start to come out of the fog of confusion. Remember that nobody stays in confusion forever. Confusion is always a prelude to clarity. However, clarity and the truth might be difficult to come to terms with. When you look at the situation you struggle how somebody that claimed to have such love for you, and all of the promises that were made, could possibly be so cruel.
In many ways, the fog of confusion, is a state of shock. Whilst in shock you are protected from harsh reality. But you cannot stay there forever. If the sociopath thinks that they can use you some more, or that you just have a form of supply that they could use, they might keep in contact (not always) continuing to feed you false information, and lying to you further. This will only keep you trapped in the fog of confusion. It will NOT bring the sociopath back, or change what has happened. You need to face the reality that the sociopath LIED to get what they wanted. If you stay hoping that perhaps this is not true, and maybe it is all a big mistake, that will be explained, you stay at risk of the sociopath abusing you further.
Tips to help you to move out of the fog of confusion and into reality
- Try to reconnect with people in your REAL LIFE – YOU YOUR LIFE.
- Read as much as you can about sociopaths. The more that you read, the more enlightened you will become. The truth WILL set you free!
- Talk to others who UNDERSTAND, this means if you can other victims. Just on this site you will see many stories that are just like yours
- Know that this is no reflection on you. This is the way that the sociopath is. It is not personal it is business
- Set up NO CONTACT and stick to it. it will be painful, but realise that you will never get closure from the sociopath. They couldn’t be honest with you in the relationship, they wont be honest now. Seek the truth from other sources. If you read about sociopathy, and see YOUR relationship and what happened to you, see this as the truth, and don’t be deluded further by the sociopath
- Understand that you WILL heal and recover, that things can get better
- Also know, that nobody else can make you happy, only you. Happiness comes from within. You can find happiness again!! (just read comments on this site, people who are further into recovery, and are now starting to do well
- Don’t throw yourself into another relationship immediately to make yourself feel better. It is likely to make you feel worse. After all a normal person won’t be faking perfection. Try to stay focused on yourself, the last thing that you need is someone else telling you how to think and feel. You need to find yourself
- Remember that nobody stays confused forever. When you let go of fear, you will start to grow and grow into yourself. Do not be afraid to be YOU again.
- Remember that the sociopath does not have any part of you, that you do not have within you.
It does get better!!
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