Blaming, Framing and Shaming – Why revenge on the Sociopath is a waste of energy!

If Sociopath’s focused their energy into positive constructive pastimes they could be very successful. However, the majority of the time, due to poor impulse control, lack of long term planning and their desire to be in control and to win, things usually go awry within a short space of time.

One common feeling for victims of sociopaths, is a sense of betrayal and injustice. Inside there is a need to get ‘even’ or to seek revenge. The desire to make the sociopath ‘pay’ or understand how it ‘feels’.


Usually this approach towards the Sociopath will backfire (although admittedly sometimes fate or karma can come into play, and you might be lucky enough to watch). The majority of the time, if you try to get revenge on the Sociopath it will backfire on you spectacularly.

It can feel very unfair that somebody has treated you in this way can get away with it? ‘How can this be fair?’ you ask. Truthfully, it isn’t fair. You might also think that if you do let the sociopath get away with it, that they will do the same to someone else? You can feel a sense of responsibility towards others, and a need to prevent the sociopath from hurting someone else the way that they have hurt you.

The sociopath doesn’t think like you do

What you see as important, is not of great importance to the sociopath. Firstly, sociopaths see life as a game and you the victim are just a player in the game of life. They see others, quite literally as ‘fair game’. By trying to seek revenge, in the sociopaths mind, you are being a willing player in the game. You are continuing to play the game with him/her. The sociopath won’t mind this, as quite simply they ‘don’t care’. They don’t really care about anything except themselves and their own selfish needs. if they fake that they do care, this is usually only to get something for themselves.

In the sociopath’s mind, if you are going to try to exact revenge, then you are becoming a willing participant to:

  • Blaming
  • Framing
  • Shaming

These are the three things that the sociopath will do, should you try to exact revenge. And this is the reason why it is a waste of energy, and will only serve to bring further problems into your life.

Firstly the sociopath will turn the situation around and blame you. If it is evident that you have done nothing wrong, don’t be fooled into thinking that because you have done nothing wrong, then the sociopath will be exposed and you look like the ‘good guy’, it doesn’t work like that in the mind of the sociopath. Next stop is Framing, if they cannot effectively blame you – well then they will frame you. You already know that sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars, manipulative and deceptive.

After blaming and framing comes shaming. This is where the sociopath will use everything that they learned about you in the assessment stage, all of your weaknesses to humiliate you and make you feel shame.

At this point, things are getting much worse for you. If the sociopath owes you money, realistically you are better off writing the money off. As although the sociopath might promise to give you back what they owe you, they will simply use this as a way to extend the game, and stall for time, make excuses. All any interaction with the sociopath does, is to establish you as a player in the game, and also a willing victim for further abuse. To them, you are simply playing the game. This is something that they enjoy.

Taking revenge rarely works

Revenge on the sociopath will rarely work because

  • They don’t care
  • They are pathological liars and will turn it around on you, using blaming, framing and shaming
  • They don’t worry about the future, what is important is right now. They have a lack of long term goals
  • They see life as a game, and you the victim are just a willing player in the game
  • They like to win and retain control and will do just about anything to achieve this
  • They like to play victim, and can use the contact to lure you back in, for a further round of abuse (and will do, if they think that you are useful for further source of supply)

What is the best way to get revenge?

The best revenge is living well. By establishing no contact, and getting on with your life as if you do not need the sociopath. Even if your heart is breaking, focus on you, and your life, do not waste your energy focusing on the sociopath, and the sociopaths life. It will only bring more negativity into your life.

Positivity attracts positivity. So attract positive things into your life. By focusing on what the sociopath owes you, or trying to get revenge, you Β are focusing on negative energy, and this will only bring further negativity into your life.

By focusing on you, and your own life, bringing things into your life that are positive, you will bring into your world, more than you had lost with the sociopath, much more than what the sociopath owes you. Its a win win situation for you.

  • Establish No Contact
  • Focus on you
  • Realise that you will not recover losses from the sociopath, Β but that you can recover personal losses in your life, by focusing on you and your life
  • Be around people that you trust, that bring out the best in you, people that make you feel good around you. If there is nobody, then learn to love your own company, remember what peace there is in silence
  • Try to do one thing each day that makes you smile, even if that is going for a walk and admiring the beauty Β in the world, that is nature
  • Catch up with other losses, friends, family, rebuild your home, your life
  • Rebuild your life – without the sociopath

Revenge on the sociopath is wasted energy. It will get you nowhere, and will only encourage the sociopath to play the game further with you.

If you do get tempted…. please remember those three words

  • Blaming
  • Framing
  • Shaming

This is all that you will attract back towards you. Little else (unless the sociopath has committed an illegal offence that can absolutely be proven) – in this circumstance, call the police, do not deal with it yourself. Remove yourself from the game. Refuse to play the game.

Establish No contact today, and start focusing on you. Learn to love yourself, find your own inner happiness – you’re worth it πŸ™‚

All rights reserved Copyright 2013

dont cry

68 thoughts on “Blaming, Framing and Shaming – Why revenge on the Sociopath is a waste of energy!”

  1. I tried my Revenge seeking against one Sociopath I knew in college. It backfired completely…lol. :/

      1. Thanks for the post, I do not want to be like him yet I am feeling so. The comment below by positivagirl where they keep doing the same things over and over, yes is true but I also have and that’s forgive the SOAB over and over. There’s a saying “nothing changes if nothing changes” I am so tired though I am willing to start making changes for myself. It took me 20 years to efn realize he not only WON’T change he CAN’T. Empty words, may as well be saying blah blah, blah blah, blah.

        thanks for reading

    1. Sociopaths are champions at one thing and one thing only… EVIL. So can a sociopath be beaten? I think so, and how? To become a champion of GOOD, because good overcomes evil in the long term.

      I have done some background research into sociopathy, and what I have found of interest is that in particular WICKED sexual abuse of is experienced by them in childhood. Defenceless as a child they grow up to take out their frustrations on people who were NEVER responsible for such ABOMINABLE abuse of them, and that folks is why it indeed is unfair.

      1. Are you saying that a lot of them were sexually abused as children? Mine claimed to be…..

      2. The mother of my three children is a sociopath, so whether I like it or not, I am stuck with her for life. She was the victim of WICKED sexual abuse as a child at the hands of her father, her abuse was so wicked that he convinced her that having sex with her was both a normal and natural thing to do.

        My research at least has found an overwhelming link between sexual abuse as children and the psychiatric illness that definitely is sociopathy. The mother of my three children is a sociopath, thus she is also a very very very SICK human being, and through no fault whatsoever of her own unfortunately.

      3. What I have found with female sociopaths at least is that they are highly intelligent peoples, on the flip side however, what I have also found with female sociopaths is they are smart in no way whatsoever. The male sociopath is smart without necessarily being intelligent correct?

      4. I think there is definitely a level of stupidity, as they repeat the same things over and over. And there is a lack of long term planning…. there is intelligence, definitely, in terms of reading people and situations (not being held back by emotion), stupidity in that they often make their own lives more difficult than it otherwise needs to be.

      5. Of course sociopaths/psychopaths are stupid, a non of both kinds knows that, but the important thing from their perspectives is that THEY both fail to see it, because if they did, then they wouldn’t be what they have become.

      6. I’m confused. How are you defining “smart” and “intelligent”?

        My sociopath was a male who suffered sexual abuse from a female babysitter (again, this was his words. Whether or not he was using that to gain sympathy from me, I really don’t know?)

      7. SMART people are definite worldly wise people, INTELLIGENT people are not worldly wise people, but they most definitely think they are. I think there is a definite difference between female and male sociopaths/psychopaths. Males kill you physically, whereas female kill you emotionally. My ex tried selling herself to me in a CHEAP sexual way, when I made love to her, that was indeed what it was, on the flip side, when she had sex with me, that is all that it was. Female sociopaths hence know exactly how to woo their unsuspecting male victims, through penil stimulation in the main.

      8. I think you mean “Intelligent” people are book smart and “Smart” people are street smart, that’s the way I see it at least. I think both the male and female sociopaths are a lot alike. My male sociopath killed me emotionally, but was never physically abusive towards me. The male sociopath knows what to say and do to woo females as well. They also know who to target. Like predators, they are keen to who is weak and who is more likely to fall for their game. They are very skilled…

  2. Hi Positivagirl, I got revenge, but it was law abiding. The opportunity presented itself, I went full swing with it. I know you are right, but I felt a sense of justice. Everything is giod so far, and if I have We have a restraing order and he pulled my hair and punched me in the head si I called the cops, I did what I was supposed to do. Maybe he will leave me alone now because of the order. I hope so. But tgankyou for your post, it was a good read. Peace an contact I think things will be ok.

    1. You will be bewildered, just keep to No Contact, take one day at a time…. and focus on you. Each day your life will start to move in the right direction for YOU πŸ™‚

    2. Considering what these monsters steal from us–I don’t think revenge is a dirty word like many do. If within the laws, and you can accept the risk of angering the sociopath—realistically estimate his limits, and if you’re revenge is less, equal to, or greater than the pain he caused you. And decide.
      I did. I knew I under or over estimated him. Even though nothing he ever said
      The two times he tried to intimidate me or threaten hitting me while we were togther–i was that so angry you seem mellow, and in a low deep voice and calling him certain insults-he backed down-
      I needed o get revenge-a word that really is misunderstood. If he runs over your cat, you don’t run over his mother. If he forget to buy milk, you forget his insulin—No.
      Doing something for yourself, that for only a moment lets that monster feel pain, its not cruel–its therapeutic.
      Make it legal, make sure or accept the rebound results, and do was is no wmore than was done to you.
      But I rather feel proud for having some self respect and courage, than spending forever hating myself —for just shirking away
      I think this will afford me less therapy and less doomed relationships in the future.
      I’d rather do I’d rather be wrong than stupid.
      and.Do no harm,
      …but take NO sh*t either…
      Sopciopaths are cowards. I used to call mine–the cowardly lion, which he hated-and guilted me to death over–irony being –his last name WAS Lyon…
      Never say sorry for being honest. I’m honest in saaying I’m not sorry for figuring him out and playing the last inning–not with him–just for me.

      1. Since, most of us lick our own wounds and run away from their rigged game, they get better with each conquest. I spoiled a few years of my life in understanding and comprehending a sociopath, who I was married to and had a child with. But I have no regrets. I came out clean. He blamed, framed and shamed…but I stuck around and proved deterministically to all concerned and surrounding us…that he was a cheater and liar of an immaculate degree. Yes, I did it. So, in his family, friends, small town public and at his office, all his masks are bared. Karma had it later on. He was fired for sexual harassment at office some months after I had moved on in life…he is without job for many months. LOL

      2. i am dealing with the broken heart of being dupe/dumped by a sociopath. i think aboutrvenge, but know she will come completely unglued and fly in a fit of rage. she is leaving the country in order to avoid repaying her student loans and credit card debts. certainly something thta is wrong and illegal. i feel like i should call the appropriate people so they can aprhend her before she gets on the plane to return to countyr x. any thoughts?

      3. I would think that getting revenge is probably not worth it. This would be like poking a bees nest with a stick…. it would only bring retaliation. Also – it is doubtful that you would be able to prevent anything. As right now it doesn’t sound like a criminal offence? I think that the best revenge is living well…. and finding your own peace and happiness again.

  3. Paths love the game and the conflict. They live in a state of high stimulation and playing tit for tat with them is a lossers game. Ignoring them and living a full and productive life would be the best pay back. Make them just a bump in the road of life.

    1. Hi Peter,
      Hopefully my spath will be a bump soon ;0)
      I am doing all I can to heal after 10 years in a relationship with a textbook spath :0(
      I am however concerned that a lot of people are so jaded by their experience that they never trust again & therefore never find happiness is a secure, loving relationship. I know two of my spath’s ex’s & neither of these lovely women has found love in the 10 years that I know about. Funnily enough he still has some sort of control over both of them!?
      I did try & expose my spath but, yes I looked like the crazy one ;0( still it was worth a shot at taking back my own power. Unfortunately I hadn’t found this site until after I had come out fighting (sigh)
      All good though & sorting out my life piece by piece, day by day.

      Cheers PR ;0)

      1. I can relate to this Pheonix, it’s very difficult to trust again after your emotions and your love have been abused to exploit you. I often wonder that myself, how could I ever trust someone again? Even if they seemed wonderful I would wonder – how much of it is true? Whether a few months/years down the line the mask would be uncovered and I would see a completely different person.

      2. By my very nature I am a CHAMPION so never never never give up on anything do I. I fail to distrust anyone, I instead examine all of my subjects very closely now because being fooled again I most DEFINITELY won’t be, as I am now too well equipped for that lol.

        I have already called a couple of female sociopaths out in the past two days believe it or not, and HATE me for it both of them did and do. A tip for you all is this, I have found that sociopaths of a female kind at least fail to like being referred to as either a CUNT or SCUM.

        I know such comments should be water of a ducks back if untrue, but not so I have found re sociopaths of a female kind at least.

    2. Ummm…I’m no sociopath but I do not like being called a cunt or scum either, most people don’t….just saying….Especially cunt, you call me that and I’m ready to fight. Not a good tool to evaluate whether someone is a sociopath or not….

      1. Ditto what Lenore said, I don’t think Soc’s like being caught out or called out as they prefer to stay hidden like trap door spiders!!! Don’t lower yourself into their game of name calling as they know only too well how to play that one!
        Try just ignoring them & have a knowing look on your face, the jig is up so,slink off back into your holes Spaths!!! Back to the depths you come from ;0)

      2. There is definitely a difference between male and female sociopaths, the former sells you exclusively with charm, the latter sells you exclusively with sex. Women generally love being ADORED and we men well KNOW it, whilst men generally love getting laid asap and women.well KNOW this to be our primary weakness as well.

        My ex always became offended when I failed to accept her sexual advances each and every time she tried to woo me in such a DISGUSTING way. I am a love maker by nature, something a female sociopath definitely isn’t and never again can be if ever she was that is.

        And as for psychopaths, they are also differently found to be with the sexes, one almost exclusively kills you from the inside out, whilst the other quite simply quickly physically kills you when the time becomes ripe to do as much.

      3. Probably I am not sure as I had the adoration & the demeaning talk alternating from my spath….he was quite a disgusting man in hindsite.
        I stayed in for 10 years & he was exposed to me by the OW…a Dr of Sociology no less!
        I was slowly & systematically manipulated & am now coming to terms with it all.
        Still I have survived & would never take that again.
        Still a very hard lesson to learn :0(

      4. Mmm, very interesting, if he was ugly towards you, and for such a prolonged period of time as ten years then one would have to question what you found attractive about him. I am very much a read between the lines individual, and in your case what I am reading from you is that you are the victim of past abuse of you as well, because if not, you would NEVER have ended up with an abuser of this type.

        Correct, we are programmed to accept abuse of us, and it began in our respective childhoods. Personally I am a very loving person, I have my mother to thank for that, on the flip side though, I had a step-father to thank for programming me to be a now accepter of abuse of me, and I have no doubt that in some similiar/same way the same can DEFINITELY be said of you. Spot on then am I?

      5. Correct :0(
        I have realized this & am now in the process of going into myself & building my self worth so,hopefully I can put the abuse & abusers behind me once & for all ;0)
        Thanks for your insights, hopefully our lives will be more peaceful & authentic now ;0)
        I think you are right also re the OW DR Of Soc as I met her & she too had past abuse history. You would think that a person who studies human behavior & lectures worldwide would have worked on herself so,as not to be caught out by a Spath. She does profiles of behavior for the Police,go figger!

      6. Could it be that she is a HYPOCRITE? I regularly find professionals to be so, they are often egotisitical in nature, and they have a BAD habit of stomping on the down-trodden already. Hey I just described what it is to be a sociopath agreed?

      7. Maybe, If so he may have met his match? Here’s hoping otherwise she is in for one hell of a ride. She is aware of more OW & even followed him to try & catch him before she intercepted an email that exposed him. My story is on the ‘share your story’,if you want to check it out?
        She did align with me then back flip which I found extremely hurtful as I thought together we would expose him :0(
        I called him a Sociopath & he had his best friend a Snr Det Policeman call me to dispute it!!!
        I told him my story which he was very surprised to hear as the Spath hadn’t told him the truth etc….but then I got reported to the Police for calling the Spath a sleazebag in a text (only time I swore or was rude) funnily enough the call came from the same Police station!
        The female Policewoman was very nice to me & gave me her support (unofficially) which was nice…she said she didn’t think I had been offensive but,he complained so, she had to give me a warning!

      8. If you are selfish in any way, then a spath as is termed here is what you potentially qualify as being. I am selfish unto myself only in personal way, correct, I do maturbate from time to time, and unashamed to admit, that is about where my selfishness ends though, because from there on I am 100% SELFLESS.

        Would this qualify me then as ideal spath bait? It did once, and being one who ALWAYS learns by every life experience he has, I will NEVER again make the same mistake twice.

        I fail to totally agree that you simply ignore these types and move on, it quite simply isn’t that easy when your HEART of all things is involved. I am a very VINDICTIVE person by nature, if you WRONG me in the most critical way of all (you LIE about me) then pay for it one day you both WILL and MUST.

        My ex raped me of everything I materially owned, and almost everything I emotionally owned, most important of all she failed dismally of raping me of my SELF RESPECT, and it is for this reason alone that one day in the not to distant future she will pay.

        She left me to quite literally die, correct, she made the mistake of leaving before death befell me, and why? LOL, because she failed to reason that a CHAMPION of this life would overcome even the premature death of him.

      9. I understand your pain & you have obviously suffered greatly ;0(
        I also understand the great need for revenge etc…these Sociopaths do untold damage & seemingly get away with it which does my head in.
        I hope you are being supported by your true friends & people that you can trust?
        Your rage is literally palpable & I wish I could say something that would help you?
        Are you okay?

      10. My rage is PALPABLE you think. I went through three important phases before reaching the HEALTHLY head space I now find myself in. Firstly I was sad (she depressed me whilst living with her), secondly I naturally became angry (she LIED ABOUT me, a CARDINAL SIN to inlfict upon me believe me you), and thirdly, I failed to arrive at rage, no instead I arrived at FURY.

        I am a sporting champion, and in becoming so I can assure you failed to cheat nor in any way received a free ride. If ever a male on this planet was best equipped ot successfully deal with a female sociopath then it is me, and why? Because CHAMPIONS never never NEVER give up nor in. She will pay because she MUST pay as simple… as… that!!!

        We have three children together, one of them is a sexual abuse victim at the hands of one of her mother’s nephews, he began sodomizing her at the age of her being 2, he himself was only a 12-year-old boy at the time of the beginning of his abuse of my daughter. My ex was a WICKED victim of childhood sexual abuse herself, and at the hands of her still in her eyes at least ADORABLE father.

        My ex proudly proclaims to the world that she is bi-sexual, and now at the age of 16 so too does my BEAUTIFUL daughter. With a passion I HATE my daughter’s mother, because she so kindly allowed ME to expose my children to her known-to-the-family-only PAEDOPHILE brother, he is the father of the boy whom abused my daughter as well.

        You see dear young lady why now I am not full of rage? Rage was eating me away, FURY I have found levels me out, it’s like I have taken ASSERTIVE control over my now MISERABLE life. I could tell you more, but this is enough for now at least.

      11. Where does revenge actually get you? In the long term? It only causes further problems. Your best thing is to walk away. Do you think that they care – no they will see it as an opportunity to make your life worse. They don’t think like other people. They don’t find it stressful – in fact the challenge would relieve the boredom!! They find drama exciting. the best way to get revenge IS to walk away and be happy, find your inner happiness. By doing this, YOU win. WHY? Because they HATE losing control!! and walking away YOU take back control. It is the only way to win (unless they have done something illegal, can’t turn it around on you, and they will be locked up) they hate being locked up – due to boredom.

      12. P.S. Why so long….he had his enablers & followers keep me in many times.
        Every time I got suspicious they would contact me to help perpetrate his lies. They are manipulated & controlled by him also, he is a very masterful Spath!
        He is a Commander in the fire brigade so,I had his friends (fireman & policeman vouch for his integrity etc…) I also had his children & sister covering up for him….that’s what took me so long as he is so good at it!

    3. Couldn’t have been said any better!!! I have been living in a nightmare for close to 4 years..and tonight after torment, emotional scarring and physical abuse…my little daughter and I walked away (from my home) leaving him in the dust. “Just like a bump in the road of life”. Thanks everyone! Hugs to all of you that have walked a mile in my shoes…my Sociopath is u relentless and won’t leave my home. Think we’ll stay at Mom’s for awhile…peace.

  4. Hi Positiva
    What a life-saving site. Thank you for all the positives and the understanding. Recently escaped from over 12 years with S, had child and he has filed for divorce citing unreasonable behaviour and now going for house bought by me using money from award following RTA. Do you have any advice for potential ‘collaborative’ meeting? Would love no contact but tricky with a child.

  5. I have being doing some research brought on by a word someone used to described the man i am in relationship with – SOCIOPATH. It didnt phase me at the time but it came back to me weeks later and I googled it. My level of anxiety has gone through the roof since. I read and I read and I cannot believe what I am reading.. I dont want to diagnose someone because I am not a doctor but everything i have been through and what I am going through now points to him being a sociopath/psychopath. I need a life boat as I do not know what to do next..

    1. Hey Catlover, hang in there. You are not alone. There are a lot of them out there. Read as much as you can, I write a lot about healing and recovery too. Take it one day at a time, focus on you and keep to no contact. Each day this will force you to rebuild you. Remember what healing there is in silence.

      1. Hi Positiva,
        Yes, they get bored, but they don’t feel revenged, because of our NC, for the simple reason – we are discarded and they fill the boredom with a new victim. SO NC MAY BE GOOD, BUT IT IS NOT A REVENGE.
        Any fault in my logic??

      2. Hi Margot,

        It is revenge as they can’t stand not knowing where your at etc…I was discarded & went NC & he recontacted with me 10 months later after complete discard…. They keep tabs on you without you knowing so, it can be years later but, they do find other sources & move onto another supply but, will get bored & some choose to rattle your chain years even decades later.
        No Contact is for your peace of mind & that’s the best revenge, peace of mind πŸ™‚

        Love & Light πŸ™‚
        PR xoxo

  6. I wanted so bad to revenge ..but you are right…won’t do same as react..we simply have to forget this creeps… ah a have a new thing for you.. she sure looks either for reaction or to show me something..or god knows.. yes she came back with her comm on youtube,,,this time no words..just a couple of videos the first 9 weeks of pregnancy and the 10 to 14 first days of pregnancy.. I did not look the videos I just laughed…and found ok this is to get my reaction ..or to show me see I will have babies! One she hate babies, hated to even sit for her uncle , all the 3 years she complained if her grandmother asked her to help with the baby ..she could not stand babies and always talk that is was awful to have them , it would spoil her figure and after words would be awful to waist her time to care for them and they were gross and change them is too nasty.
    Now she wants me to know with this hint that she is expecting heeheheh or she is a huge liar wanting me to think she does! I never wanted I am not hurt she will have. Not that..but she is such a liar..I hope she is actually expecting the same time poor kiddo!
    you know in 2 months she went from poor no money for qualifications for a better pay job. to a new amazing job is a big town ..a apt for her own! To first date made fall in love to later tell me ..dont come after me I am with a new person starting from i am so alone I never been so alone does not matter who is by my side to vanish for 2 weeks and now pregnant ? what you make of it!!!”????
    God what a crazy person! I never reacted to anything she ever said…she has not heard from me in months ..not a single reaction..I fear to even put my videos I like in my youtube as I did always! she might think is about her and take as a reaction gross! I want to feel free to do as I did ..not afraid she might think is about her
    . I could think the same about her. but she never posted things on her youtube she loves to tell every detail of her love life to no one there putting under my comm ..since she is blocked!

  7. And btw darling, I thank you sincerely for your concern of me, and yes I am okay, even better than that in fact. Correct darling, each and every day that passes I grow STRONGER and STRONGER!!!

      1. I know this is an old comment but I thought the very same thing. Though we all experience our hurt differently, something just seems…off.

  8. While I agree that the best thing is to focus on yourself, I did seek revenge. I did it right after some horrible things had happened. In a wave of anger and hurt. But at the same time I thought rationally: what does he care about, what affects him? And there was one answer: money. And I did something to him that affected him greatly, but he can’t do anything about. And honestly? I’m happy I did it. Because it sent the message: you did not win. It gave me some control again, some feeling of justice and closure.

    On the other hand it is also true that it backfires in a way. Bc my sociopath has stalked me a while over it, which gave me a lot of stress for a while.

    1. I have wanted revenge and to punish him for hurting me so much. I first tried the right thing which was to just walk away and live my life but he always ‘let’ me go with no fight, never chased me, or tried to get me back. I was so addicted to him that I always ended up going back to him and begging him to give us another chance, which he of course did happily. So, knowing that my walking away didn’t get revenge, I decided to go after the one thing he really seemed to care about it which was his relationship and image with his kids and family. I secretly tried to expose to them all of his injustices and lies hoping that they would discard him like he did to me. How cray-cray I became. I am so ashamed. And needless to say, it backfired on me because his family either didn’t believe what I shared or his masterful lying skills smoothed things over plus when he found about what I did, he immediately called me crazy and sick and established NC, saying that we would Never have contact again. How did he manage to turn things around and make me the crazy and cruel person when in fact I just made one big mistake and let my wounds turn me into someone I am not whereas he subjected me to countless injustices for years and never once took responsibility, apologized, or showed remorse for them?

      1. He’s crazy. Please, be strong. Sociopaths have no feelings. And YES, they are addicting because they know exactly what to say. They only want your money, sex, control… whatever it is, it is only to play a game. They are sick individuals.
        My ex has a new girlfriend. She is 26 years younger than him. I was 15 years younger. He’s an old shriveled up conman. The new girlfriend has a HUGE weight issue. When I was with him, the more weight I gained, the more control he had over me. I’ve since lost a majority of the weight, look great and have gotten my self confidence back. His M.O. is finding women with money, sympathy and the obvious physical traits of someone who just isn’t in any kind of relationship.
        I’ve run into them a few times recently. Once at a restaurant – I was there first – he called the police on me for stalking. It’s just so ridiculous, but yet so funny because he’s so predictable. The same antics over and over. And yes, he may be living with this stupid girl in the house I paid for, but the bottom line is, karma will kick in. He will take her down with his games, not me. I’m done. I’ve totally rebounded. I’m back in the dating game, which I admit – when I meet someone I like, I get a little crazy waiting for the bomb to drop. Take it step by step. Read my post below. DON’T LET HIM STEAL ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME ON THIS EARTH BY THINKING ABOUT THE PAST, REVENGE OR WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN. MOVE FORWARD!

  9. Only let my guard down once and in walked a man who befriended me my friends and family. for all those that really think they know him ask yourselve do i know the whole story or just his version? is he as perfect and caring as you think he is and what is it he can give you what you did not already have. beware he is very clever and if you really were to think has he not already used you to make comments and judge another person who you dont know he will always play the victim and always seek revenge be warned

  10. What a refreshing view on being duped by a sociopath. I felt so alone and shamed. All I wanted was revenge. It’s taken me 4 years since he left me broke, both emotionally, physically and financially. Everything you are reading in this blog is true. Don’t ever, for one second doubt that you are in a relationship with a sociopath if you see the warning signs repeatedly.
    My ex forged my divorce papers, quit claim deeds to our properties, sucked all the equity out of my premarital home and somehow calculated every single event to play in his favor. From hiding the fact that we were divorced, to having me take a first and second mortgage out on my home to pay for our million dollar dream home. Only to later find out the mortgage was only in my name, he double endorsed the checks to pay for a new home that was only in his name and later transferred into a trust.
    I lived in the new home as a prisoner for 4 years until one day I did a little cyber searching and discovered the horrid truth. When I confronted him, he immediately called the police and since I was “trespassing” on his property he had me arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. He left me in jail. My parents had to wire money to my daughter who was in tears trying to post bail. Months later we went to court and he apologized profusely and dropped all charges. He asked me to remarry him. Thankfully I didn’t. But I did get sucked into his game for a few more years. All in all, he took in excess of 3 million dollars from me, 18 years of my life and my dignity.
    Please, please… if you feel you are in a situation similar to mine – leave. Just leave. My heart is still broken. I’m working bettering myself and enjoying life. Spending time with friends and family helps, but one of the most vital piece to my recovery was something a co-worker recently said to me, “EVERY MOMENT YOU DWELL ON WHAT HE DID TO YOU, IS MORE TIME HE IS STEALING FROM YOU. DON’T LET HIM CONTINUE TO GET AWAY WITH IT. LIVE AND BE HAPPY.”
    So every time I start thinking about this stupid sociopath that ruined 18 years of my life, I concentrate on something else. BE STRONG. WE ARE BETTER THAN THESE SICK INDIVIDUALS. WAY BETTER. KARMA WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM IN THE END!

    1. Hi, do you know that they focus on making you feel ashamed. Doing everything that they can to make you feel ashamed, they do this, as it is an emotion that you DO feel… and one that they do not. And they also love to call the police on you, this is their way of controlling you, I had this too. Lots of times. Accusing me of what he was doing himself. It was hell at the time to go through – over and over again.

  11. Hi Positiva,
    Yes, they get bored, but they don’t feel revenged, because of our NC, for the simple reason – we are discarded and they fill the boredom with a new victim. SO NC MAY BE GOOD, BUT IT IS NOT A REVENGE.
    Any fault in my logic??

  12. Thank you soooo much for your advice and input. I have been sitting here with my mouth hung open for the longest time. Never knew what a socio really was until I turned over my heart, money and trust. Feel for next victim, but hope he will move on….constant antagonism.

  13. Welll i agree with this post however we all have narcissistic tendencies and one of mine is i hate loosing…I have empathy i cant jump into another relationship for a longtime after ones ended i dont manipulate gaslight project etc but i hate loosing…So im proud of how i handled my situation…my ex narc owed me money so i went straight to court and got an order i didnt f*ck around with listening to his lies about getting it soon etc.because he blocked me on facebook i also tagged his sister in a post which exposed him as a sociopath then i logged on a friends account and watched how he crumbled!!!i also lived well had fun with friends and in that post i said girls like me can still have fun and kick your ass at the same time…and we all can you just have to find the strength within..Liken it to if you crashed your car you still have the stress of fixing that car and living your life happily at the same time…Hello we are women we multitask well it is a quality of ours so work it girl!So other than the glimpse at his facebook ive remained in no contact…exposed him…lived well and i dont care what all these things say..what ive done worked for me!and i feel fabulous so find what works for you…but do it with grace so you dont evoke anger…yeah i made the facebook post so i gave him his remembrance that he exists but it was emotionless and not angry and it was a good way to air it out like posting this is as well.He thinks im a looser but i think he is so he thinks he wins but i think i win!they hate it when you expose them they fall off the face of the earth…but everyones situation is different hence i say do whats right for you!!!Im lucky mines a coward and i know like 1000 people more than him so there goes a fail on his smear campaigns remember they need you more than you need them!!Yeah i know they have the urge to retaliate but stand your ground like the devil they feed off your fear aswell!!!So to all the victims at least i got one up on one of these nasty pieces of work!living well is the best revenge doesnt mean you cant pinch them and live well at the same time!I just think you all know yourselves your narcs and situations best so if the revenge your seeking is causing you more grief than comfort then move on ..Im also a firm believer im God and Kharma and in the bible it says dont seek revenge for vengence is mine!but it aint a sin to expose aint a sin to speak truth..and i do know in due time they will get theres coz thats life…So you can express yourself as you wish at the end of the day we were wronged!rest assured they will meet their demise eventually!

  14. Ok I completely agree that its a waste of time to seek revenge, but I am one exception to that rule. I’ve known for quite some time that I was in the midst of a psychopath and all their classic techniques. I sat by and watched them unfold before my very eyes. (the lies, triangulation, hoovering, lies, devaluing, manipulation, lies, gaslighting, did I mention lies). Classic textbook case. I was able to remove myself (emotionally) from his grip, unbeknownst to him, and proceed to follow the bouncing ball (intellectually) into the depths of his psychopathy. My case is very unusual because he spent 20 years in prison (DEA drug charge) and has been out just over 3 years (of which time we were in this relationship). I’ve known him for over 30 years though. So he doesnt have social media because although he has a laptop, he does not know how to use it. I’ve tried to show him but that ego of his got in the way when he just couldn’t grasp the terminology (browser, desktop, taskbar, URL, etc)…things we all learned throughout these years.

    Anyhoo, we had a long distance relationship. I would visit every other month and stay a week or two. And we would actually sleep together via Skype almost every night. Since he’s not very computer savvy, I had access to all his passwords (email, skype), since I was the one who would help him on the computer.……DUH…dumb move there, psychopath. And , like clockwork, he was on all the dating sites signing up . Not “dating”, actually, more like sex sites. But he didn’t know that I knew this. I would ask him questions about what he did last night and why wasn’t his Skype on and then sit back and listen to the most blatant, deceitful, albeit plausible, lies and manipulations I’ve ever ran across. Now mind you I knew he was skyping with some other chicks via the sex sites and his recent skype history. It took all the strength I had not to blow my cover. I cried night after night, time after time again, because heres the man I love, claiming to be so in love with me, and yet lying so naturally and unremorseful, my head nearly exploded. I started accepting responsibility for my part in this dance with the devil. Am I a victim, I would ask, or a volunteer? So I began to “mirror” the psychopath. Every lie he would tell me, I would at some time in the future, use it on him (“oh, my skype was off because my computer updated itself and restarted and I was asleep..sorry baby”, or ” I can’t really talk at work anymore because they’re cracking down on personal calls”, ” sorry I didnt know my cell phone was on airplane mode baby”, etc etc) I would look to gauge his reactions when I used these excuses and boy could I tell I was hitting a nerve. He accused me of lying (LMAO) with the very exact excuses he would use on me!! And, yes, this is where the bouncing ball came in. It was like reading the checklist of psychopathy and watching the symptoms unfold before my very eyes. With ONE enormous exception. I was on to him, but he wasn’t on to me being on to him. And, oh yes, boy did it ever hurt. Many times I would get very emotional and begin to cry incessantly, and he would say “dont start that sh*t, please”.

    Fast forward to last month. I started going to minimal contact on him for what he thought was no reason, but armed with all the dirt I have on him and all the verifiable lies Ive accumulated on him, I was ready to make my move. He started calling me psycho because I would burst into tears for no apparent reason or hang up on him for no reason, he thought. It was because I knew he was lying about so many things. I knew he was seeing someone else, not only that, I was able to hear some of his talk to text messages via the google voice app on his google account. He was saying, “I love you too, baby” to another woman. I knew it wasn’t to me because we were fighting that weekend and not talking. Talk about going through cognitive dissonance. Luckily, Ive had a head start on this douchebag, and obviously I’m smarter than he is, as far as technology goes. I kept asking him if he has another girl or if hes telling someone he loves them and of course hes denying it vehemently. ” I NEVER SAY I LOVE YOU TO ANYBODY BUT YOU”. This is the same guy who when hanging up the phone WITH ANYBODY says “love you” at the end…friends, family, the local pizza hut, anybody. But the I love you too baby wasn’t to just anyone. It was to my replacement and I knew it.

    So I start telling him I dont think he’s being honest about things and he’s calling me paranoid, delusional, why am I always picking fights, I’m not happy unless I’m fighting, everything was going good and you have to start this crap, etc.etc. Well, I planned out what I was gonna do. And i was going to do it Valentines Day this year. I asked him what he was going to get me for Valentines Day to prove his love and he says what do you want. I said whatever you feel, baby. Mind you we’ve broken up a gazillion times over the past 3 years because I just couldn’t take it. He didnt know what I knew about his pathological lying and cheating. We only broke up for maybe 2 days tops at any given time. So, now Im ready to make my move. I get a box. I put in every card, every letter, every crappy piece of cheap jewelry he ever gave me, every picture of him (with cigarette burns over his face), every screenshot I took of his Skype sexcapades, his sex site profiles printed out, his messages to these random women on these sites printed out, every stuffed animal he gave me (with little ropes tied around their necks), copies of his google talk to text messages in his own voice on a cassette, screenshots of his google maps pinpointing time and places he’s been, and a 10 page journal outlining my daily “findings” and thoughts over the past year or so (” You are in Huntington Beach right now, per your google maps history and your talk to text saying ‘such and such street, Huntington Beach, CA, query. I followed the pings of your cell phone today on google maps, but you just now told me you’re still working in Oakland..8 hours away”; ” you called me just now and said you love me and miss me and youre at work in El Monte and looks like you’re gonna be working late. But your cell phone is in Huntington Beach, at that same address and has been for several hours” ; ” I see you were in a video chat with LusciousLucy last night on Skype, but you told me your internet was down”, etc. I had attached irrefutable proof to each of these entries. Now I know this sounds like alot of work, and believe you me, it was. BUT it is nothing compared to the hell these types put us through. Ive tried to talk to him about his psychopathy and he’s agreed that hes known something was off, but since I’m not a psychologist I should just drop the psycho babble crap once and for all. Ok so last week I get a box from him and in it is the most wonderful beautifully written declaration of his undying love in a Valentines Day card (all BS of course), a gorgeous gold bracelet made of hearts, a stuffed teddy bear holding a heart, a pair of womens Ray Bans in the case (stolen Im sure probably from the new chick), and a small bouquet of silk roses doused in his cheap ass cologne. So I waited until I got my box before sending his out. Well, he got his package per the tracking number on it. I didn’t hear from him all that day or night. I changed all his passwords then deleted his accounts I had access to. I got one response before I completely blocked him and changed my phone number. It was this :

    “Congradulations (sic), you have completely torn my heart in half. You are such a mean person. I hope your happy now. You have totally humiliated me for the last time. I cant believe you could stoop so low, when all i did was try to love you and that i know i couldn’t do right. I just cant make you happy even though i tried. You dont have to worry about me because i wont be contacting you ever again.”

    Yeah, sucker, you won’t be contacting me again because YOU CAN’T. I made sure of it. Gosh it feels so good too. You have no idea. Coupled with that and the THINK GRATITUDE post I read on here , I have come out of a psychopathic hellhole on the winning side. This idiot has tried reaching out to my sister , probably to commence the denigration phase but she shut it down on him. Wished him a good life but asked that he not contact her. She said he sounded defeated and deflated. Put that in your mask of sanity and smoke it, loser guy !

  15. This post is PERFECT. I am “the bigger person,” I have no problem forgiving, etc. – I’ve never really had to work at those things, they came naturally. At some point you realize that absorbing all of the bad others do to you isn’t healthy, especially when it’s predatory. You laid it out well: how no contact is best, how the repercussions are VERY often not worth the effort, and then you give practical knowledge and tools for how to move forward. For my interesting case, I needed your guidance: the mirroring and matching was perfect for the situation, especially since me learning of all the lies, etc., is still fairly fresh.

    I wasn’t really looking for revenge, just a way of being that didn’t feel like I was just rolling over after a, literally, bad person had just intentionally wronged me and then shamed me for looking into it and addressing it. Thank you for that!

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