sociopath

Suggestions for new post tomorrow?

170 Comments

Is there anything that you would like me to write about, that you can think of that I haven’t yet covered? 

It is 12.30am here in UK, so I will do tomorrow. I constantly start to write a post, and realise that I already have written about that subject. Is there anything that you can think of that I have not yet covered on this site? 

Is there anything that I haven’t yet covered – a topic that you are looking for, but cannot find? Please let me know here, and tomorrow, this can be my post topic!! 🙂 

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170 thoughts on “Suggestions for new post tomorrow?”

  1. How about trying to deal with a sociopath when they are in complete denial about their behaviour towards you?

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  2. Identifying your feelings after being discarded by the sociopath, and to cope and deal with these feelings in a safe and healthy way……

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      1. How about a section on “the replacement”. His/her new victim. Perhaps it has been covered and I haven’t found it yet. We shouldn’t envy these people for we know all too well what is coming their way. It might help our healing to look at it this way:-

        A note to the new woman – I watched from afar as he paraded you around town, the new woman in his life, my replacement in just a matter of weeks after we split. Perhaps he was seeing you before I was abusively discarded like an old toy he had tired of playing with, I will never know. I felt overwhelming jealousy and hatred towards you then. The fear that you could give him everything he wanted where I had failed, that you were somehow better than me. I loathed your existence. A month or so into your relationship I saw him on a night out with his “friends” (accomplices) he fell over himself to talk to me. A few days later he phoned me declaring how much he missed me. He didn’t mention you. He told me he had changed, was a better person, etc. He wanted to try again. I knew better, he hadn’t changed he made empty apologies for his behaviour saying he didn’t mean it but he never acknowledged that he was totally out of order in the way he treated me then and throughout most of our “relationship”. I couldn’t go back. So he carried on with you, you being totally unaware that he had contacted me and perhaps other exes (most of which were “psycho” according to him). He no doubt told you I was psycho too. He is still on online dating sites while he is seeing you. I notice you have changed your hair colour, something he tried to get me to do but couldn’t. You have changed your style and are trying to become “trendier”. No doubt he is making digs about your weight. He is distancing you from your family too. I see all of this and now I pity you. You are with him because he can control you but he couldn’t control me. He never holds your hand in the street or on a night out, there is always a distance between you. Photographs on social networks don’t show two lovers embracing each other with a look of love in their eyes, they are staged, no physical contact, him in centre position with you awkwardly positioned nearby. I don’t hate you now, I see the look of confusion on your face, the loss of your identity. I know what is coming your way. I hope you see it too before it is too late ……………..

      3. Julie… I was astounded and filled with emotion reading about the other woman. Never has anyone “hit the nail on the head” more than you have. Thank you for putting it so eloquently and perfectly.

      4. Hi Julie, Have a read of Torture by Triangulation, you will find it under the My Story section of this blog. I think you will find it very interesting in regard to you question re the OW.

        Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxo

  3. what about if they ever think about you and why such rage when your name is mentioned by other people (smear campaign)

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  4. If anyone can think of any topics that you think I haven’t covered. Please let me know. I write about all the things that I wanted to know, but struggled to find. So I stayed friends with my sociopathic ex – for a long long time (a year) as I needed to know and understand why? …. if you can think of something, I will write about it. 🙂 🙂 – or alternatively maybe you cant find the posts and they are there, and I can post the links to the posts!! 🙂

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    1. Hi,
      Could you discuss why a sociopath would marry?? I know of one, and he’s marry to one of the nicest woman, and cheats on her daily…she is clueless, and is trying everything to get some attention from him, from losing weight, and wearing dresses, to telling him, he makes her feel ugly, and wants nothing to do with her………but he says he loves her, and calls her everyday. what is this about??

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      1. My Soc was married for 25 years before she had enough but, he still controls her as he created the dependency & has his adult children control her via him!
        The Soc considers the person a possession & treats them as such.
        He will continue to devalue her & control her forever if she lets him?
        Only she can free herself of the game but, as you can see from the posts here it is much easier said than done 😦
        The mind control, hypnotic behavior takes years to undo & detox from.
        I wish her luck.

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. Sociopaths go into relationships for varying reasons. Remember that life to them is a game. A marriage can be good for a sociopath as it offers a cover to the outside world that they are decent moral people. Of course they don’t need to take the vows seriously it is just the ‘image’ or the social status that they get from this. Often the mask that ‘marriage’ offers in terms of society can be the perfect cover for their mask of illusion.

      3. So true Pos so true 🙂

        It gives them the cover they need & then they have children & have more followers/enablers literally tied to them genetically 😦
        My Soc uses his children in his games, really sad & sick but a fact 😦

        I hope you are good?

        Love
        PR xoxo

      5. Lol yes Pos I am okay 🙂

        I have been blessed by many wonderful friends & family so, after reading others stories I feel very lucky 🙂

        You never told me if you have a butterfly tattoo? I envisioned one?

        Love
        PR x

      7. Phew I thought I saw one in association with you. (Re Tattoo)

        I was reading a post here earlier & the song ‘Feel’ by Robbie Williams kept coming up so I googled the lyrics & it’s a Sociopath song I think? About the inability to feel real love etc…& preparing to leave before they meet etc…wanting to contact the living? Keeps coming through….it will become clear soon I’m sure 🙂

      1. I asked the Soc on here that question & he said they literally destroy each other & tend to recognize & not engage with another. They like to feed off us as they cannot feed off each other as they have nothing to gain. They need us (normal people) to feed their appetite of everything. Without us they are useless really, we fuel them with their supplies.
        I wonder what would happen if we all wised up & the supply ran out would they implode??
        🙂 that thought made me smile 🙂

        PR 🙂

    3. Like positiva and PR mentioned, they marry when there is something in it for them (a cover to the outside world, a permanent place to stay and person to mooch off of, a tax break-especially if their spouses have kids, a person to take care of them, etc). My spath got married not even 3 weeks after we split (including the OW) and not even a week after they were married, he was already on the dating websites! Vows mean nothing to them! The institution of marriage means nothing to them! But they are getting something out of the deal, but they don’t do it for love and commitment like us normal people.

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      1. Spot on Lenore, re marriage etc… 🙂
        They just pretend to be normal to blend in…can you imagine what they would be like
        if they didn’t have normal people to blend with???
        PR x

  5. I would like to know what happens to Sociopaths in the end….when they are old. Do they stop and reflect on the havoc they caused so many innocent people….? What happens to Sociopaths in the end?

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    3. That’s a good one. Will they ever feel compassion and remorse. Or is it just that they are born that way with a chemical imbalance, they will never know the difference. Will never know any better.

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  6. Have you ever experienced your exS taking advantage of you sexually. Just because he wanted to. Its almost as if he believed he owned me and he actually Said it, even after i told him i didnt want to and i didnt want to be with him anymore. He basically tried to dictate what the relationship was between us and thought i would be so happy and go along. I wasnt, it was repulsive seeing this side of him. He lured me there advising that he wanted to discuss our issues and to fund me for some troubles. When i finally left he left also after degrading me with words and grabbing my phone to see who i had been speaking with since my break from him. Soon after he joined the OW for dinner. No change of clothes, no shower. He seemed so evil during the encounter. I felt like I was sleeping with the devil literally.

    I did tell the woman, and even offered screen shots of text and other communication.She believed him though. And he was enraged.

    I have to work with him also. I return to work Monday from a four month leave. Im having major anxiety.

    Any advice? I cant believe he was capable of that.

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    1. Hi Victory,

      This is an interesting one. I split with my ex lots and lots of times over. Yet every time the pattern was ALWAYS the same. Every single time, he would sleep with me, before abandoning and discard.

      Why did he do this? I figured that the reason for this, was because he could. Remember that the Sociopath doesn’t think like you.

      They have

      – No empathy, guilt remorse or shame
      – Others are merely instruments to be used
      – Two things are important to them – WINNING and KEEPING CONTROL

      When you think of those things, this is why, and the last point most important of all. By sleeping with you one last time, when THEY know they are leaving – this also receive dupers delight and the joy of conning. Additionally they WIN and they retain CONTROL. In their own mind this is the ultimate.

      It is an awful feeling for you the victim. Sociopaths have a high testosterone, and sexually is one of the few ways that they can feel a connection to someone. Or it is the closest thing that they have.

      Ultimately it is about winning the game. if the game is over (even if for now) for the sociopath the game is over – and they will ensure that they win the game, in the way that they see fit.

      Of course, this is not an equal match – as you are not aware that the game is about to finish (for now) or you wouldn’t choose to sleep with them. For them, it makes them feel more powerful – and they have won the game. At the end of the day, sociopaths are fairly weak people, which is why they have to play stupid games, and why winning and being in control are so important to them – it is the mentality of a child – really…. you are approaching it as an adult….whilst the sociopaths approach is like a teenager kicking off at its parents when it can’t get its own way, or ‘see… i can do better than you’ … mentality.

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      1. Wow!! Yes mine did exactly the same, each time I came home ….and he was gone, but there was a look on his face and his demeanour was more ‘false’ when I look back. It was almost a sadistic look or tone to his voice when he whispered ‘I love you’ in my ear before that final sexual act! Now I think I could feel it in the pit of my stomach and I ignored that feeling. He is still playing stupid immature games 3 months later, I know it’s just to keep me dangling in case of need. He went back to the wife of 23 years he’s cheated on soooo many times before and yet always takes him back….still seeing the mistress with lots of money he’s kept on a leash for 14 years. How or why does he maintain those relationships? I wonder if I’m right about him being a spath if he has long term relationships? What do you think? My gut says he is or am I just the one that fell out of favour in a ridiculous scenario?

    2. This is to Vctory IZ, I used to be very annxious as well, visit ur Dr. and ask them to precribe Celexa 20 mg. 1an a 1/2 pills evety evening with a 10 mg of Ambien, I promise u the celexa will make u feel brand new. It works Vctory. Good luck, peace…

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      1. Thank you so much. This was very helpful. I’m working on finding…let alone loving myself. It’s a very difficult journey. I appreciate your help!

  8. I would also like to know if the sociopath ever thinks of me….when a song comes on the radio does he think of me?

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      1. Hi Positivagirl, I found this email actually written by a male sociopath. Here it is.
        He states he would like to thankyou {not u Positiva}, for making those videos, they have given him insight into how you peole ( non spaths) recognize us. We are not to blame for your shortcomings because you are weak minded and foolish enough to be taken advantage of. We are evolutions next step, we dont allow silly emotions to cloud our judgement. In fact we use our advantage for survival because we are natures next course. I know I sound very narcissistic and apologize for that but if you are so proud and coencerned and attached to your emotions why not allow someone to make you feel like a queen for something as worldly as money? We give you what you are missing just as all of the worlds eco system has the beggining of time. Its funny how we have been so easily classified and even now as I attempt to alter myself in order to become unparallel to descriptions of us I find it very difficult to perceive. I would like to boast of my strategic victories over hearts but I would fear you making another video and making this game more difficult, of course it would make it mo

      2. Sorry about the cut off my phones weird. Heres tbe rest of the email
        Make it more challenging and pleasurable when enjoying the hunt. This is how sosciopaths perceive us, tbemselves, and the rest of the world.
        1.Sociopaths are superior beings and e eryone else is just a mark.
        2.If we are dumg enough to be conned we get what we deserve.
        3.We deserve to be targeted because of our stupid emotions and consciences.
        4.Our emotions and consciences are useful because they can be exploited.
        5.Exploitation is a perfectly reasonable way for spaths to get what they want.

        This is why there is no rehab for them they do not feel that they are disordered, they believe they have an evilutionary competitive advantage.. Well Positiva girl I wanted so much,for you to read this email and the findigs from 1 through 5. Peace and love. .

      3. Hi everyone, this is how they view us, sick isnt it? Keep “No CONTACT” by doing that thhey will be held accountable for their actions, FINALLY. Peace an love…

    2. Hi Jennifer, this is bewildered, I personall think they do connect us with a certain song or perhaps a commercial on tv, mine did. Peace an love Jenn.

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      1. That email was sick and just so incredibly distorted. I’ve gone thru an awful smear campaign……and now he’s contacting me with nice emails….following up with I Love You. I can’t understand how he is doing this. The fear has come back…..I’m worried he is around again. I appreciate your thoughts.

      2. Yes Jenn I know what your going through, I went through a smear campaing within my family, he told my daughter some very strange things but she aware of his craziness, he also spike avout me to a neighbor once and they didnt believe his lies. If people know you they wont believe him, but now if people dont know you they will believe his lies, tgats happened to me to, thats to discredit you so if you complain about him you will look like the crazy one, he doesnt want to be exposed, found out, he relies on his charismatic charm to deceive and manipylate everyone, if he was found out people would watch out and mistrust him. He cant gave that happen. Just dont have any contact with him, emotionally or physically. Good Luck, Im here to help.Peace an Love…

  9. how do you deal with the results of the actions of a sociopathic ex who has alienated your children from you up to the point where they don’t want any contact anymore? You can’t avoid contact like you should when you have children together. Now my daughters are 16 and 19 and I haven’t had any contact since 3,5 years. Recovery from this marriage is still difficult, divorced 12 years ago. Every now and then I still tend to believe his constant talk (in the past) of how sick and stupid I am and how many mistakes I’ve made. How do you gain your selfrespect when even your children discard you as worthless?

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    1. I’m so sorry to hear what’s happening with your kids! I’m in a similar situation, though the sociopathic culprit in my case is my mother. She hated my guts from the day I was born and did everything she could to come between me and my daughter from the day she was born! Now my daughter is 23 and I haven’t seen or spoken with her for 3 years, even though I raised her alone until she left home at 18 and we had a good relationship for a long time. She does contact my mother though.

      I know it hurts like hell, but you have to give them their space. My therapist told me to just send my daughter an email or ecard on her birthdays and Christmas, so she doesn’t think I’ve forgotten about her. Just a quick one-line “I’m thinking of you, will always love you, here for you when you’re ready.” She finally replied for the first time last month, told me she’s not ready to talk to me yet. But at least she said “yet” so I’m willing to wait.

      I think it may take some time, but someday your kids will grow up enough to realize that there are two sides to every story, and that it’s not as easy to be a parent as they think when they’re young. It’s normal for young people whose life is hard because they’re just starting out, to blame their parents for the hard life they are having. Eventually they live enough to realize it’s not that simple and that they bear some responsibility for their choices too. I hope your kids will contact you soon, but in the meantime – don’t lose hope or blame yourself!

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  10. Hi Positivagirl,
    I believe my Soc has a very low regard for women & that we are all whores etc…as he used to call me one during sex.
    That I was for his use etc…I thought it was just dirty sex talk but, now I truly believe he actually views women as Sluts etc…as he used to call me one ;0(
    He used to want to talk dirty all the time which I wouldn’t do & he was angry with me. He was also obsessed with my past sex life & wanted to know about my friends sex lives all the time.
    I used to argue with him that I was not a whore & then he would say, he knew I wasn’t that’s why he liked me so much, very confusing. He was such a contradiction all the time.
    I would be interested in finding out if others have this type of bombarding & if you think Soc’s actually hate the opposite sex so, they do this to us as punishment?
    Writing this now makes me feel ill because I let him get away with this degrading stuff even when I knew it was wrong ;0( I just thought that’s how he got his jollies & most other times he was normal (whatever normal is?)
    I wish there was more taught about this sort of person other than having to endure it!
    As you know from my previous posts he is now with a Dr of Sociology who knows he’s a Soc & is still with him??? If someone that knows the patterns of behaviour like her can’t break free then no wonder the rest of us are in the dark until the straw breaks the camels back!

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    1. To Pheonix,
      Mine did similar things, and made mention to similar things during sex. The whore/slut comments etc. I always thought it was just an in the moment thing, and for some reason he enjoyed it, but I even then realized that during whatever “moment” he was degrading me, which, in turn, makes him a level above me. And, clearly, that turned him on. Not to get too into details or anything, but I noticed that he never liked any “position” where he wasnt in control and didn’t have me held down in some way, shape or form.

      I think in general its just a total lack of respect for women, since they all appear to be interchangeable to him. I think he honestly had to try to put on a show of respect or equality with me. I knew his natural colors were always dominance, jealousy, control and manipulation.

      Positiva, as far as future topics, I feel like a lot of victims share the same want/need for answers and validation. Although we might not be able to ever get specific answers or validaiton for our soc for whatever reason, maybe it would be helpful to step inside the mind of the sociopath more? We all relate to each other on so many levels, and have so many similar stories to share with one another…and most of them are still ended with confusion, hurt and disbelief. Although that wont go away, maybe stepping more towards the workings of a sociopath (the alternate side of our relationship with them, how they operate, what they do “feel”, etc) to see if that might open up a new pathway to closure for some?

      I know thats sort of a vague topic, and even though we should be focusing on ourselves, sometimes the more we know about where they likely are in their head helps us come to terms with it? Just a thought?

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      1. Hi thank you Gaslighted ;0)
        Wow same M.O. my soc used to always hold me down by my hair (it’s long) & always in a dominate position!!! He would tell me to lie on the sacrificial alter & let him take me…OMG!!!
        He said that even if I didn’t want to he would take me anyway!!! He was always trying to get me to have anal sex with him (I am not into that) but, he was always telling me I would like it!
        He said he had never done it & that I was a virgin there! He hated the thought that I wasn’t a virgin. God what a sycophant using manipulation to further degrade me but, he never won that game I am pleased to report. I still however am amazed that I even listened to this disgusting rubbish. I was never like that & still am not but, it was like a constant battle to break me down. I also would love to understand the psyche of this type of primitive behaviour as it does seem to be an overwhelming theme that the Sociopath uses.
        Maybe because their victims (I use this word reluctantly) don’t get to share this sort of stuff together like we are now that it goes undetected. Just like the battered wife syndrome where women hide the truth (& men as well).
        Do Sociopaths have the same motivation as the spouse beaters but, take their aggression out on a much more undetected/subliminal level but, with the same agenda?
        Should there be some sort of reporting system via psychiatrists/psychologists that would help highlight this phenomena? It’s like they rape our minds….would love your feedback on this ;0)

      2. They have literal brain damage. They are missing part of the front lobal brain area. It is however not determined if the front part is missing at birth or is not nurtured and therefore it does not develop. Brain damage… That’s why they can’t change. Unless God allows a miracle of healing.

      3. Wow thanks Michelle is that scientifically proven?
        I think we instinctively want to help save the Soc’s from themselves as I often felt sorry for my Soc as he seemed wounded, like a bird with a broken wing & yes I thought I could ‘fix him’,& make him a more sensitive person etc…He said to me on more than one occasion that he had never felt true love. I thought that meant he just had never found the right person to make him feel,and yes I thought I was the one that could do it for him.
        I was always trying to be the one & that is why I persevered for so long. I had the Martyr complex that I would suffer to help him become a loving person even if it killed me!
        Yep I thought being with someone like me (us) how could that not save him. I would prove all the Nay Sayers that he wasn’t what some had already detected!!! Yep, oh well obviously had a lesson to learn the hard way & yes now I get it so,Thank you.
        Now we can all begin our journey forward to a better place with even better people ;0)
        Be Happy ;0)

      4. Phoenix- I was in the situation. The mother of the man I was involved with killed herself when he was 14. He never got help. His father then married his mothers sister two years later. I thought he had never had real love and I would “fix” him by giving him an example of real love. By the time I met him he was in his 50’s and I believe it was too late for any real change to take place. If they can change at that point. On some level I think he know there’s something wrong with his inability to feel – but just can’t do anything about it. So he does the only thing he knows how- he switches to another woman. And before I left, I truly believe he was looking around for my replacement.
        Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

  11. I left my sociopath in May after his KIDS at 15 and 16 recognized it before me. After seeing him let the “mask” slip they were secretly packing their stuff (he had half week custody) and were leaving him for good. After hearing him verbally abuse me again, they told me that they were leaving and would NOT leave me behind. We all packed and left. To this day they will not speak to him, but the kids and I stay in contact and I have always been on good terms with their mom. How these men affect the kids is often unnoticed.

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    1. Hi Tracey,
      Those kids are lucky to have escaped the maniac ;0)
      My soc is grooming his son & regularly paraded me & the other woman before him & others I believe. His son had lunch with me one day & off on a holiday with his father & the other woman the next! His son lives with his ex & destroys any chance of her moving on, all controlled by the Soc!
      His daughter used to call me & cover for him when I came close to discovering his game & when I fronted her she attacked me. I don’t blame his children but, I find their involvement in his duplicitous dealings very unsettling.
      I am glad you are free & I wish you happiness ;0)

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  12.   hi positivagirl I don’t know if you have read the attached book but it is fantastic – Women who love Psychopaths – Sandra Brown – I brought this copy but hope it might be of use to you. I have a lot of other ebooks on the subject if you are interested. Tricia (Tina)

    ________________________________

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  13. It is seven weeks since I discovered my ex was a sociopath. It’s all the usual story. I was living and working overseas and we were together for 18 months. We were moving to Australia with his job. I had handed in my notice to work and was a week away from leaving when I found out the truth. Turns out he had never had a job (other than fleecing me and at least two others), there was no house in Australia (though I had seen the pictures etc). This whole farce lasted 6 months. I feel quite lucky to have found out when I did and was able to show a clean pair of heels. He had no idea I knew some of the truth until the day I left for the airport.

    In the week I was leaving, I went into a numbed sort of overdrive and having found out he had entered the country illegally to escape a prison sentence in the UAE I was able to report him to the police as an illegal. He is now in a detention centre in the Middle East awaiting deportation. I believe he will manage to avoid jail (3 years) and will instead be deported back to his original South Africa. However unlike many on here I feel I have had some justice. I’m sure a Middle Eastern detention centre is unpleasant enough: A Middle Eastern detention centre in the middle of summer more so and a Middle Eastern detention centre in the middle of summer and during Ramadan very unpleasant indeed.

    I am now back in the UK piecing myself back together with the help of very loving and supportive family and despite being currently jobless and homeless and with no savings ( which of course went on him until he got all his accounts sorted out when we got to Aus) all that can be put right with time. I have been very grateful for this site and the help it has given me over the past few weeks. Many thanks.

    What I am concerned about is I have now spent some time researching sociopathy in an attempt to have some understanding of what hit me. What concerns me is that I find myself being very disturbed by what I have learnt and quite frightened. I had no idea that people like this really existed. Though I am in no danger of ever having any contact again with my ex, I find myself worrying that these people are all around us. I watch the TV and think ” Gawd it’s another one”: I read the papers and these sorts jump out at me. The worst thing though is I find myself thinking that there is something wrong with me. In the last few weeks I have found myself re-assessing my whole life and seeing it through an entirely different prism. I wonder if the things that made me an ideal target are in fact signs of sickness in myself. I was wondering if other people have felt like this and it is a “normal” part of the recovery process. Could you write something on the vortex of self doubt that recovery from these people seems to suck you into.

    Again many thanks for the blogs and the site. I cannot tell you what a difference it has made.

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  14. Pheonix.. (Sorry readers, this comment isnt PG)

    “I wil take it whether you want me to or not”…literally word for word! The anal sex thing too. I have never done it and have no desire to yet he would try to multiple times. The hair thing, the holding me down, it was all very erotic at the time and enjoyable in a different kind of way. I’m not going to say i was completely taken advantage of, because I did enjoy some of it. But it has been interesting taking a step outside of the situation and looking at his dominance and need for control from a different perspective. I was rarely ever on top..and if i was, it was only for a brief moment before he “took control” again. Couldnt handle it. Things would also get rough enough where i would have bruises or marks on me. Sometimes willingly, sometimes unwillingly. He would always make comments on how he liked leaving his marks on me. He almost always had to have some sort of “mark” of his showing, to the point where it would draw attention at work or in public, with people asking me how i got my bruise, which was obviously from someone elses hand. He enjoyed how I tried to cover it up and how it embarrassed me. Sick.

    Its hard to tell whether there should be some sort of reporting place for it? Mostly because while most of us are in it, we are justifying the crazy behavior and dont see anything wrong with it. In fact, we are likely convinced it is the best (fill in the blank) we have ever experienced, see, had etc. Its not until we come out of the fog that it shell shocks us, at least thats how it has been for me. Same motivation as spouse beaters? I think so. Thankfully I have never been a victim of DV but it seems to be the same need for control or need to implicit fear into another person. I know my soc was well capable of DV (had been accused of it before…never knew whether it actually happened or not) but he never pushed me around or anything. I think mostly because he knew I had the capability of a worse temper than him and am the type that “pushes back” when backed into a corner.

    Thats not to say he didnt completely play on my emotional, spiritual and mental weaknesses and totally screw with my mind and get in that way though. Its a funny thing, really. Even if he cant physically control me, with a few words or phrases I can be completely clouded again. (Well, not so much anymore since we have no contact)

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    1. OMG same, same, same & my Soc liked to bite me which I did not like & got upset etc…then he started in with the odd little slap on the face etc…I slapped him back if he was too heavy handed. Same with the positions, he always wanted to be dominant just like you said!
      Yes I’ll admit it was sometimes very erotic & I did enjoy it but, after awhile it became almost like I was in some weird trance & would comply on command even if I wasn’t particularly interested. I knew how to stroke his ego but, he was very demanding & would want me to rub his back etc…for interminably long periods which drove me nuts sometimes. I would make excuses & leave etc…to just get away. I was someone that would ‘pushback’ at him & he never let me forget that either! I was also controlled with words etc…& after many years of grooming I was not who I really was but, who I needed to be for him :0(
      I am free (courtesy of him being exposed to me) & am shell shocked & annoyed that I wasted so much time in this relationship (10 years) but, I would have left years ago if it weren’t for his enablers & followers that kept me in the game. I had maintained a separate life from him luckily so, that has made it easier for me to recover as I have my own home, friends, job etc…I also have contact with the new lady’s social group ‘6 degrees of separation so, word has spread about him ;0) so, he is not going as undetected as he would have liked.
      I feel better discussing this with someone that experienced similar behaviour as I thought I had really let myself down. Now I know that we were exploited which sucks but, at least we understand each other & the power that these Soc’s exert!
      I hope you keep growing stronger & more positive daily as ‘It’s not us, It’s them’!
      Have a listen to ‘Brand New Me’ by Alicia keys, I think you’ll understand ;0) xoxo

      Reply

      1. Yes, the biting too! I guess I never viewed it as being exploited, since I did enjoy it to a point, but there were numerous times where whatever “position” he chose was pretty degrading and definitely non connecting. I have recently learned about his extensive sex habit and how far it has reached in the past.

        He would always ask to come spend the night, or for me to spend the night. Or, actually, now that i think about it..he would never ask me, he would ask if i wanted to. Or why I didnt want to. And would take offense and get really upset if I wanted a night to myself (I’m really independent and have a hard time sleeping next to someone 100% of the time. Its nothing personal). Then threw it in my face that I had issues connecting with people. Which, maybe it would be easier to want to sleep next to someone all the time if I didnt get such a gut wrenching feeling when I was around him. I noted in previous posts that I literally noticed myself breathing easier when he was not around me. So, yeah, I needed to sleep by myself some nights. Especially since he would have nightmares and wake up and accidentally try to suffocate me some nights and wake up with no recollection. Fun times.

        Part of me wonders if that was part of the challenge for him that kept him coming back all this time? I know, for me, it was the genuine love and care for him. But for him? Maybe it was because he had never fully conquered me? (And still hasnt, you would laugh at how I ended it with him).

        It would be very interesting to hear more of your story, since mine was also 10 years, and i also was able to maintain a separate life (friends, work, family etc) and I also was someone who would “push back”. Is there a way for us to connect without sharing our email addresses publicly on this site?

      2. Hi GL, I have set up another anonymous email so, that you can contact me & it is not linked nor does it give my name away etc…it’s peonixrising63@gmail.com
        Obviously others on this site might see it & use it but, hopefully the majority won’t & like Positiva etc…I will not reply to spam etc…You can set yourself up with an email like I have & then we can exchange our story. I don’t use this email much & hopefully it will work?
        If it gets abused by others I will close it down so, fingers crossed ;0)
        I can’t wait to hear how you ended it as mine was ended by exposure from the other woman so, I didn’t have the satisfaction (probably wouldn’t have got any anyway?)
        Take care, talk soon?
        PR ;0)

  15. How about FACEBOOK. I hate that site now for the rest of my life. He would torture and humiliate me with it because he knew it meant alot to me that he put pictures of me or us up there together on the site. He would do it after much begging, pleading and hurt feelings on my part and then take it down the next day for no reason and put pictures of other girls up there – saying it was “his facebook” he can put whatever he wants up there. Either bimbos he had never met, ex girlfriends who he never stopped talking over and the worst was a profile picture of him and a woman he had dumped me for one time and then sent me text messages bragging about how he had just had sex with her! He even had posted publicly one time about this woman about how much hotter she was then I was and I was a washed up “slut” which wasn’t true at all. He never once put a profile picture of us up there together ever because I kept “talking about it” too much. If I stopped “talking about it” it would happen naturally – well I tried that too and it never did! Another favorite of his – it’s only a website, not reality, what do you care what other people think – I’m here aren’t I, not there! Then he would do the constant changing of relationship status – making me look like a complete fool – Mr. Sociopath went from being in a relationship to being single. Mr. Sociopath is now in an open relationship. Even on my birthday, every other female friend of his – got wished a “Happy Birthday” from him. I NEVER did – I was always left out. “Well why am I going to wish you a happy birthday if I can say it to you on the phone”. You always need people to know what’s going on. If you don’t stop crying about it – I won’t even come over today on your birthday. Just sick – brought me down so much, makes my stomach churn just thinking about it. The one tiny thing he could do to make me happy which shouldn’t have meant jack doody to him because we were supposedly in a relationship he WOULD NEVER DO!.

    Reply

    1. My ex was a major Facebook addict and used to do a lot of the same stuff your spath did. But – he was a fool and left his FB logged in all the time. It was the first place I found evidence of his cheating, and that was what finally pushed me away from him for good! So there was a silver lining in that FB cloud for me.

      Reply

      1. Funnily enough – Facebook was the one thing that I could not get over and thinking about it is what gives me the strength to not have sympathy for him or fall back into his ridiculous fantasy world he called a relationship. Out of all the terrible mean cruel things he did to me that most people would probably consider far worse than “facebook” – for some reason that website became my hot spot and he knew it. His constant games, emotional torture, disrespect, humiliation … not to mention the cheating and then trying to tell me that none of the messages he was sending to other girls meant anything or were real, it was just how he amused himself when he had nothing else to do! He publicly made me feel like I was nothing to him – after all I had done for him, forgiven him for and stuck by him through and all these bimbos he befriended, some from high school, others he had never met were just goddesses or something and they never did a thing for him! It made me sick and full of resentment.

        He’d be asking this girl out to go to Catalina Island on a romantic cruise, calling her beautiful and I’d be having to beg on my knees like a dog to get a ride to Walmart! Still infuriates me thinking back – but at least that memory keeps me from using me further and letting him back in the the door. The last time he came by he turned up at my apartment with gifts I know were stolen and insincere declarations of how he’d been thinking about me all the time and missed me (because he is now homeless and all his stuff got stolen from his car when he was sleeping in it – how ironic) But yeah he missed me so much, but still wouldn’t change his facebook for me – because he’d rather sleep in his car and have that stupid website than live in the home we built together. Insanity!!!

  16. I would also be interested in what happens when they grow old, also do they think of you when seeing a commercial on tv or hearing certain songs. Mine did, he used to say I heard that song Irreplacable bty Beyonce and I thoyght of u an our daughter. Or that commetcial about rhe car and Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrel rr singing Aint nothing like the real thing. I think they do connect us to a song or something else thats a remider of us. Peace an love. This may sound strange but I felt good when he tild me that. P & Love…

    Reply

  17. Ah yes, the ole leaving his mark, branded as my spath use to call it. Always leaving his infamous hickys after I pleaded with him not to do that. Sick bastard. Peace an love to all, we will eventually be okaee again, perhaps a bit different from this experience, but we will b alot wiser f er om now on, I can promise u that. P & love…

    Reply

  18. How about FACEBOOK??? I hate that site now for the rest of my life. He would torture and humiliate me with it because he knew it meant alot to me that he put pictures of me or us up there together on the site. He would do it after much begging, pleading and hurt feelings on my part and then take it down the next day for no reason and put pictures of other girls up there – saying it was “his facebook” he can put whatever he wants up there. Either bimbos he had never met, ex girlfriends who he never stopped talking over and the worst was a profile picture of him and a woman he had dumped me for one time and then sent me text messages bragging about how he had just had sex with her! He even had posted publicly one time about this woman about how much hotter she was then I was and I was a washed up “slut” which wasn’t true at all. He never once put a profile picture of us up there together ever because I kept “talking about it” too much. If I stopped “talking about it” it would happen naturally – well I tried that too and it never did! Another favorite of his – it’s only a website, not reality, what do you care what other people think – I’m here aren’t I, not there! Then he would do the constant changing of relationship status – making me look like a complete fool – Mr. Sociopath went from being in a relationship to being single. Mr. Sociopath is now in an open relationship. Even on my birthday, every other female friend of his – got wished a “Happy Birthday” from him. I NEVER did – I was always left out. “Well why am I going to wish you a happy birthday if I can say it to you on the phone”. You always need people to know what’s going on. If you don’t stop crying about it – I won’t even come over today on your birthday. Just sick – brought me down so much, makes my stomach churn just thinking about it. The one tiny thing he could do to make me happy which shouldn’t have meant jack doody to him because we were supposedly in a relationship he WOULD NEVER DO!.

    Reply

    1. Hi OC, reading what u wrote sounds exactly like my ex spath. He would help other woman with things, and when I asked him why dont u help me, u help everybody else, his reply would be I help anybody but u. He was so mean to me he also ruined my birthday last year which is coming up vut havent been with him for a yr. Any way last yr. on my birthday one of his girlfriends txted him, after that and a few more incidences like waiting for me to go to sleep so he could screw 2 different woman in my building that knew we were together I finally left him and then he went to jail, I keep no contact with him, physically hes in jail so we cant have contact, but I dont accept his phonecalls, he knows its over, keep No Contact with him, I know its rough right now, but he dont love you hes incapable of love, every female on this site, me included, and every male has never been loved by there partners, there sociopaths, there hollow and empty inside. I grieved for a yr. for someone I thought existed but didnt and never will. Please excersise the No Contact thing, it will get better. Good luck OC Peace an love.

      Reply

      1. Thank you for the positive words. Mr. Socio. did the same to me. Always out there helping other girls, do this and that. Bending over backwards for them ( he even stole my clothes and jewelry and gave it to them)! Taking them on their errands. Lying about it and leaving me waiting at home for hours like a fool only to find out later what was really going on. Meanwhile, I’m stuck without a car, unable to do my own business and relying on him everyday to help me out. But somehow each morning he always managed to slip out with some excuse I would fall for, saying he’d be right back in ten minutes, had to go get some gas and then we would go get my stuff done for the day. I’d be half asleep and groggy and before I knew it he was gone. Boom, there went yet another day of me trying to call him endlessly to find out where he was and when he was coming back to help me as promised. Meanwhile he was hanging out with other girls laughing at me, calling me psycho for all the phone calls and telling them we weren’t even together. It was so demoralizing and hurtful. Why was I the one who had stood by him through all the BS he did to me, getting treated like crap and these girls who had done nothing for him were treated like princesses. Thinking back more and more on this stuff makes me so disgusted at what type of loser he was and gives me strength to be completely repulsed by the idea of ever getting back together with him. I never would now that I know what he really is, but it has been hard because he does the typical pattern of behavior, turning up at the door, making me feel sorry for him and trying to act like he has a heart for me. Really gross, not falling for it, but it still hurts for some bizarre reason. My main goal is to see him put in jail for the check fraud he committed in my name, I at least want some justice!

      2. Thank you for your comment OCgirl. I know how demoralising it is, especially when you have been an unwilling victim and your good nature taken advantage of. However, try not to focus on him, or getting revenge, or making him pay – make sure that you take care of you. As they have an uncanny knack of turning it around and blaming or framing or shaming you for something.

      3. Thank you very much for this site, it really is a comfort to me when I go through my stages of resentment, anger and sometimes missing the creep and feeling depressed. I did for about a month try to become the “bigger sociopath” than he was as I had read there are two ways to deal with a sociopath – either be a bigger one than they are or get away! He had gotten away with so much and continues to dance around with a smug grin on his face – breaking the law constantly, which somehow seems to always go unnoticed by the police or his probation officer – so I took it upon myself to try and tell on him for everything he was doing, I had started recording his verbal abuse towards the end and I opened a facebook account pretending to be him – posted all the recordings of how the real monster behind the nice guy mask with the funny jokes – actually sounded. I then added humiliating pictures of him and a video of him passing gas in his sleep lol. But it basically backfired on me. I thought I would expose him to the world to show them what he was really like and ruin his game, but nope. I got some nasty messages from his little group of loser friends where they just mocked me and made fun of me for being so pathetic for being the jilted girlfriend. It was frustrating and as you said in one of your articles – didn’t seem to phase him that much at all. He was a little embarrassed, but embarrassment is not something that he focuses on and just invents bigger and better lies to make me look like the looney tune obsessed girlfriend and himself the victim. Oh well I tried, and wasted way too much time. I really do hope kharma hurries up and gets him, because it still irritates and angers me that he is out there doing his thing and enjoying his live after wasting five years of mine when I could have been with somebody decent. Sociopaths remind me of something out of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. I don’t look at them as real people anymore, just scary soulless aliens we all need to run from!

      4. Well OC, there you go. Get justice for check fraud, I would, get justice in ur own way, just rhink he may be fone longer than a year, u can start ur recovery process, just keep no contact and dont answer no jail calls. I put my spath in jail to, I got even with him for everything he did to me, we had a restraining order again after his bull shit I called the cops and he got arrested, he calls me from jail I dont answer, he knows its over, he tricked me the other day and I answered his call, I was shocked but showed no emotion I said few words and hung up. He received his dupers delight from tricking me but he knows its over. He gets out in a week, let the fun begin, read positiva girls post on how to get even with the sociooath. OC get even put him in jail, my God this sounds so terrible to say or do but he treated like shit for so long he made me feel this way about him. You need recovery feom him anyway he wont b on facebook no more, you will have peace, if u do ever c him again yoy will ve well over him. If he writes u dont answeer them, me, I bought the letters to the cops he had to go to court again for the same thing he was in jail for in the first place, take advantage of it, I did. He tranformed me into really hating him for ruining me and my childrens life. I found out he had two other families beside mine, never have his children, you wont b the only one having them. Good Luck Peace and Love…

  19. HOw about selective memory?

    Mine just totolly forgets things he told me, I mean, we know they lie constantly, and to be a good liar you need a god memory,but mine leaves me alone for a couple of days, then comes back with a ridiculous reason, bad enough as it is, but he actually seems to go through a set of excuses,,goes round them, then starts again, things he already said, a few months back, it’s either that he got away with it last time so uses it again,,,,or he says it on purpose to get a reaction,every time it happens I want to scream,,,,,,,,what again? don’t be ridiculous! but I know there is no point. It’s these time when I feel like he is actually laughng at me, sticking pins in me. Because I don’t voice my frustration he must think I’m really thick or stupid.

    Or what about ‘self talk’

    I actually know when he is lying to me,,,,he lowers his voice and stares straight ahead,as though he is telling himself the story, reading it from a book in front of him, searching his own memory for what he already said before.

    Or, the sex, intimacy thing would be a good one.

    Lots of people have talked about the deviant sex here, for me it was different, he was adamant that we ‘make love’ slowly, gently, tenderly, etc,, but when it came to it,,,,,,he couldn’t manage it fully. I did wonder if it was because he felt I was a bit dominant and he couldn’t handle it, however, he seemd to get more aroused if I praised him, eg, told him how ‘big’ he was, how good it felt, if I asked him to tell me what he wanted me to do. Other than that he was quite robotic as if going through the motions.

    After I caught him out with someone else he went to all lengths to ‘prove me wrong’ even managed find the ability to make love to me properly, and fully………I think he only did it to keep me reeled in, but he actually faked an orgasm, something I never thought men could do, and he was so damn convincing that I never realised until I went to shower later !

    Since then and over the course of a year he never even attempted it at all, just gave the false promises and fake hopes,,,,, until I snapped once, he then managed to be intimate again,,,but as I say,,,,,,,I think only to keep me there, stop me from moving on.

    What lengths will they go to to do that?

    When I think back now,,,he only seems to remember the times when we were talking about our childhoods, or teenage years, the times when we laughed, he felt at at ease, etc, he can reel off those conversations word for word.

    It’s like he blocked out the times we were intitmate together.

    I have always felt that he really did/does love me, or at least deeply care for me in his way, however, he can’t,,or,is scared of being intimate with me.

    Madonna /whore complex comes to mind for me, he talks about it, makes innuendos, and says he thinks about it all the time, but makes no attempts at it,,,,,,only if I start to question it.

    Reply

    1. I love the fact that you mentioned “the selected memory”, and the” self-talk” my Sociopath, does it all the time….and gets caught in his lies……by not remembering what he said to me a week or so ago, and then repeating the story with a different slant, gets him in a lie…also, the self-talk, which he does quite often, is weird, he will just blurt things out, like its another personality that is talking……I always listen intently, because its like he doesn’t know I’m there listening!! How many others have found this happening with their sociopath???

      Reply

      1. Ah, but what happens when you catch them in the lie, they get really angry! And then twist it around on you. Start accusing you of things to deflect.

      2. I had exposed him in a letter not too long ago, and of course he resented it, telling me his feelings (he has no feelings as well as no conscience) were hurt, and why don’t I trust him, and he’s sick of being accused of being a liar. When you get them talking and their tired, they cannot remember what they have said, they don’t have time to think about what they are saying…….realizing that, they want to end the conversation, till the following day…they stick to their lie with every excuse they can come up with……twisting your words, to suit their intentions of being truthful. I Keep telling him, I know you better than you know yourself…….he doesn’t know I’m researching, “sociopath”. But he fits the shoes to a T! I feel so empowered with all this information……..he is so sick! He has already found a new victim, who is willing to spend $6,000.00 to buy him Bose new speakers….I wish I could warn her, but she probably wouldn’t believe me anyway! I never lost any money with him.

      3. Yes, i used to say to him last year, when I was living with him, you are more loyal to the lie, and do anything to protect the lie, rather than my feelings. My feelings and my needs were unimportant, protecting the lie was the most important of all. I lost LOTS of money with my ex. He was very expensive.

      4. Hi Jeanie,
        Don’t bother telling the OW as my Soc was exposed to me by the OW & we met & discussed everything he has done to us both etc…
        She is a Dr of Sociology/psychology & studies human behavior for a living & lectures all over the world.
        We are both smart,attractive,independent women but, alas even though we both agreed he is a high functioning Soc she has chosen to stay with him????
        I think my Soc is a master of his game & has been doing it forever. He still control’s his ex (never divorced though) & still has a mistress/s for supply so,he is one very crafty devil indeed. He is also a Commander in the Fire Brigade & loves to wield his power.
        He sits in an executive job role but, is also a Union rep so,always playing two sides but, always looks like the good guy. I have heard though that he is not regarded highly amongst his peers rather they call him a ‘SCAB’. What a great description for a SOC!
        They are like sores really & they always leave a scar 😦
        Be happy he has found another supply source so, you are free from his demon ways, go & have a great life to spite him 🙂
        That’s what I am doing 🙂
        Good Luck to you always.
        PR
        x

  20. Do you know studies that connect personalities to life experiences ? Those who date sociopaths, are they more “open to new experiences” for example?

    Reply

    1. That is interesting MG I had never thought of that. What would happen when they target someone who is sick or grieving? They might not normally attract that personality type. But would keep the victim sick or grieving to keep control…

      Reply

      1. I am wondering, often it can look like the people who shift between weak and strong periods are extra vulnerable. But not easy to tell, without studies!

      2. Or, someone displaced and vulnerable. I believe I met mine at all because I was transitioning to a new city and had just gone through an awful move experience. I needed help. I had most things in storage and limited furniture as I tried to get things to my new location and buy others new. He moved an unused extra bed from his garage into my house and set it up almost immediately. Kinda hard to cheat on a guy when it’s his bed you’re sleeping in every night. I mentioned at the time I wondered if it was deliberate. He replied, “You just had a need, so I provided for it.” And, that’s how it starts…

    2. My spath definitely got me during a “weak” period and it is uncommon for me. Funny because when we first started dating, I was the one not taking him serious enough and did not see a future with him. Everything he was saying that he was trying to swoon me with, I was like “Meh…whatever”. Things quickly changed and he had the upperhand. But, my gut would not let me rest because my intuition knew better….

      BUT…I was in the category of “wanting to try something different” and he was definitely different…..My focus now is being strong and staying strong and taking my tough lessons to heart. I hope I never meet another sociopath….but when I do start to date again (not there yet) I’m going to have a hard time trusting anybody due to him….

      Reply

      1. Hi Lenore :0)

        I think it’s even harder for us victims when we realize that we are just part of a game plan.
        Knowing it makes you feel worse because you have to face the fact that you were deliberately targeted to be slowly toyed with & used as a source of supply. The discard is very cruel & knowing that they are repeating the process does my head in some days as I feel helpless but, want them to stop this idiotic/systematic behavior!
        Argh they make me so angry….You will be okay just remember that when you do meet someone in the future you are a Priority not an Option!

      2. My story is similar with respect to him not being my “usual type”. He asked me to move in right away also. I don’t do that. I actually didn’t think he could be serious. Apparently, this has worked with others.

    3. That’s one thing I struggled with the most is questioning why did he do that to me? Why me? Why couldn’t he have preyed on someone else? And to think all the BS he fed me all for some game? Funny because I kept a journal while we were together and I went back to re-read what I wrote and boy…..my gut KNEW he was a piece of shit who did not deserve me, but my heart wanted to believe otherwise!!! One of the times we quit talking I wondered if he was laughing about it all and he probably was since they love to play games and stir people’s emotions. One sentence that struck a nerve for me was a time he came over and I took care of him, I said in my journal, “I feel like he used me” and it hurt because now I know that is exactly what he was doing.

      And the discard hurt like hell. I could tell he could care less whether I was around or not or the fact that he hurt me after promising he never would. I still cry (not as much as I used to) when I think about the love I had for him and the hope that our relationship would last….him a fake person with fake feelings and our relationship was a joke as it was never real. All that wasted love and devotion for a souless, heartless person who did not deserve it.

      And I remember when I found out about the other woman and the things he was telling her…..I was so crushed because it seemed like he really had genuine feelings for her (more so than for me). He would tell her things he never told me (he was madly in love with her). But that was just his way to hook her. He probably already knew he had me hooked so why bother with the “I’m in love with you”….but he quickly proved that she meant nothing to him either.

      I’m trying my best to move on but it’s kinda hard when I still dream about him and things are around that constantly remind me of him. I hate the fact that he still takes up room in my head yet I know I never cross his mind. He will never miss me, or our relationship. I can sit here and wish he suffers but we all know he won’t because he is heartless. One day at a time, today is a hard day though….okay rant over…

      Reply

      1. I can really relate to the experience, since I never have fought and tried to please a man, than I did with my ex. When I did something wrong, he made me feel like the worst person, even when my protests were based on things I feel I have right to be dissapointed about today. He grew tired of me, without showing any regret and the only contact we had was him telling me he wanted ALL his stuff back, without lifting a finger to actually move them, even when I told him it broke my heart to see all his stuff lying around. He was moody when I was afraid of him travelling to USA right after he broke up with me, because I couldn’t ‘leave him alone’ and made me feel like the most idiotic person Alive when I worried about him when the storm in New York was all over the news while he was there. ‘I knew you couldn’t do the right thing, why do you always nag me ?’ . I was also jealous since USA was where his ‘second big love was’ and I actually know today that he has visited her and had sex with her, even if she told him she needed time to figure out stuff. He can mess with people’s head without them noticing, and is a charmer until you disobey or protest. I still have feelings, though. Still the lingering doubt: Maybe I was just a terrible girlfriend, if I’d only been better… He prayed on my vulnerabilities and it is not easy to know he ran back to the first girl who would do anything for him, with no regard of the 4-year long relationship she has been it (he broke my heart, by being the perfect man, making me break up with my boyfriend and then meeting somebody new in Norway) . She reminds me of myself and my depressive tendencies, so maybe that is what they find and ‘use’? The will to love and love even if it hurts us ? I am still not sure, but I am sure that I, and other girls like you and me, deserve no less than a proper man, who won’t lie, never be there or break your heart.

      3. Hi Lenore,
        Same story with me & like you some days I am strong then something pulls me back down again. I guess it’s just the detox faze, & like drugs/alcohol it takes a lot to get them out of your system :0( but, we always have to stay away from Spaths just, like alcohol & drugs!
        They do such a great job on us but, we at least are free, imagine what the next person is going to go through when the masks slips….argh that really makes me angry & sad ;0( Oh the suffering :(((
        We will get through this though, I just wish like you that it never happened.
        We have survived this far so,more power to us I say ;0))….
        You are never alone remember that please ;0) Love & strength to you always & forever.
        PR x

      4. That is absolutely the truth, Lenore. In one of our earlier, more frank conversations, I asked why he didn’t flatter me and the response basically was, “Because you don’t need that type of pumping up.” It’s whatever the tool is that they need, he made that clear—they feel ugly? They’re beautiful. They don’t think they’re smart/capable? To him, they are geniuses.

  21. Here’s a big one: Sociopathic Widowers! I read your story (positivagirl) and noticed you were burned by one of these as well. There are plenty of “dating a widower” sites out there, and you’ll see that they all say “cut the poor man some slack, he’s grieving!” Trouble is, they lose sight of the fact that there’s NO EXCUSE for most of the behaviours these women are suffering through while dating these scum. Not all widowers are sociopaths of course! But there are lots who are and people need to be careful not to fall for their (often fabricated or exaggerated) sob stories! I’m going to post my story in your “My story & tell your story” section so you can see how far these creeps are willing to sink, using their late wife’s death to help them destroy the living women they encounter.

    Reply

  22. No hurry but I would like a post about how to detach from looking a Facebook to see what or who they are doing…I personally struggle with this

    Reply

  23. All of the sexual references for me were true as well. Every last bit… it was pornographic almost-and degrading. It seemed like the only way he could connect. Long story short_ together two years on and off (isn’t that the way?) Would freak out leave, then try o get me back. Finally told me that he had texted his ex to sleep with him (just sleep to hold him!-ha) She allegedly didn’t go and I don’t believe that. Begged me to take him back, sorry blah blah I did give him another chance thinking he would step up – he went back to same evasive ways until one morning he called me to say hello and I said ” this is not working out for me- and he was incredulous! “are you breaking up with ME?” was the question. I said “I don’t think we should see each other anymore” I am almost 60 days no contact and just starting to come out of my fog. I am blessed with a beautiful daughter – who was neglected somewhat during this relationship- wonderful family, friends, and co workers. I had lost touch with many family and friends while with him. All but one came back and we are closer than ever and their support is a literal life saver. I still have those clouded mornings but I was working with a life coach who always made me conscious of what was going on. She held up a mirror for me and urged me to get out before he did irreparable damage to my psyche. She says I got out in the nick of time. She predicted he was setting up the next victim and that he was going to dump me and that would have been worse. This site has helped in my healing and especially my clarity. I would recommend working with a life coach over a conventional therapist. But it has to be a good one. Mine has a spiritual quality to her where she can almost “see” things and some of the things she “saw” (like him texting someone, came true. He still has some of my clothes, shoes etc at his place. I haven’t heard from him and don’t know if I will but if I do, I will text him to donate them to charity. That is a blessing and who wants that stuff anyway.

    Reply

  24. Hi Positiva,

    Thanks again for all your enlightening posts ;0)
    Just a thought but, has anyone ever thought of a massive awareness campaign via ‘Getup’ or another socially aware group that could warn of Sociopaths & their affect on so many.
    It would be great to be behind something that can warn others & at least people will be aware of the traits, red flags etc….Just a thought ;0)
    I dread the thought of more people finding this information after the event.

    That is why healing takes longer because, you still feel helpless & frustrated that others are going to suffer at the Soc’s hands
    Our compassion for others is so strong. I know mine is & it’s like people that hurt children & animals, they are defencless, it’s so sad…:0(

    It’s not about revenge it’s more about social obligation to warn others from harm that I am having trouble dealing with ;0(

    Reply

    1. I totally get what you’re saying Pheonix Rising but it’s hard. If you would have told me while I was in the relationship with the sociopath that he was a sociopath, I probably would have dismissed you. Even after he disappeared from me a few times, I probably would not have listened since I was coming up with all the reasons why he was doing what he was doing. And once he had my heart I really would not have listened…I’m a stubborn person and it took me having hard evidence of him cheating to finally leave him. Even after he didn’t treat me so well.

      It took going through it to actually learn my lesson and will hopefully have the needed to tools for the future to ensure I don’t go through it again.

      I think people like us get hooked and then their masks starts coming off and by then it’s too late because we have already fallen for them. I told the OW partly because I believe in girl code (golden rule) and partly because of revenge. I have contemplated many times telling the poor girl he ended up marrying (anonomously) but something tells me he has her in an even more of a spell than he had me or the other woman (neither of us would have married him so quickly).

      Reply

      1. Gosh Lenore you & I are so similar (figures ;0)
        You are right of course it’s just so frustrating because I do think if I was familiar with personality traits & how they work then I may have at least twigged to it sooner rather than later. Still as you said, I probably was too hooked into my addiction to save myself.
        Considering his OW is a DR of Sociology & lectures worldwide on human behavior & knows he’s a Spath & is with him now!!!….enough said I guess :0)
        Be Happy, Xoxo

  25. I am wondering if you could do something about physical abuse and sociopaths. Mine was both emotionally and physically abusive to me. He never “beat” me or knocked me out or that sort of thing. It was more that he liked to hurt me, especially during sex. And yes, mine would say and do the same things you guys talked about. Would only have sex in one position which was a dominant controlling position, would call me whore/slut/bitch/the c word while having sex, would pull my hair, slap my ass HARD, twist my nipples so that it was agonizing, pinch my thighs til I had bruises in the shape of his hands and other painful things. Yes, some was erotic, but it also wasn’t about making love that’s for sure. He also twisted my wrists so bad that my right one still isn’t good and that was 5 months ago!

    He once said to me, “you are so beautiful it makes me want to cause you pain.” I can’t believe he said that and I didn’t run a mile!

    Is it anger that makes them do it? Is it the need for control? Power? The need to prove they can do what they want to do and you wont leave? Or something else?

    Thanks.

    Reply

    1. Hey Pickles ;0)
      Yes I had that all as well :0( like you I put up with it or if I got upset he would apologize blah blah.
      I think they have a very sadistic trait & mine would always try & compromise me in some way?
      Did your Spath like animals? Mine didn’t, maybe that was a red flag because I hated that he didn’t like my dog, everyone loves my dog except him!
      They want power,control,possession & anything that they think they are entitled too,which is everything!

      Reply

      1. Mine actually loves animals and works with them too. So I would always think he can’t be a bad person as he loves animals and kids so much!

        If I complained or got upset about him hurting me (and not all of it was during sex) he would say he was just “playing around” or he didn’t know his own strength or he would apologize and laugh about it as if it was a joke.

        Before I stopped talking to the woman he cheated on me with who is now his latest victim we compared stories and the sex and what he did and how he treated her was exactly the same.

      2. Same again pickels,I even had a laugh with the OW about his predictable behavior & what he says in & out of bed etc…& even hearing all of this she stays????
        Even calls us all Darling (yes she knows of others) gave us the same gifts & said the same lines verbatim!
        Good to know they don’t all dislike animals, I was hoping it wasn’t a red flag as I didn’t like that he didn’t like my gorgeous Dog ;0)
        At least my dog is loyal & trusting unlike the other DOG!!! ha ha ;0)
        Be Happy ;0)

      3. Humour not hatred is the best way through healing!! 🙂 Hatred is negative and fear based, humour is healthy, and happiness love based….. when you can laugh, you can heal in the fastest way I find 🙂

      4. Hi Positiva,
        Oops I posted that article on triangulation under the stories blog sorry :0(
        I read it at work & just wanted to share with you.
        I hope that’s not a problem?
        My sincere apologies, Sorry again :0(
        PR

      5. Hey its a brilliant article pheonix thanks for sharing, if you could copy the link to it, I can edit your post and put it in! 🙂 Thank you – and for all the help that you give to people on this site 🙂

      6. Awww Thankyou & I have shared the link so let me know if that is all you require.
        Your the best :0)

    2. Or maybe also about strange fetishes or eccentricities. After sex, the guy I was with would look me intently in the face, studying me. His expressions changed throughout (hard to explain, but not always a loving/kind look). And this will sound strange, but he would put a finger up near one of my nostrils, as if he were going to stop my breathing. I always turned away. He wasn’t violent ever in any way, but he would softly slap my face sometimes, generally followed by the comment, “Why do you keep doing and saying such silly things?” He was always on about my mouth. The reason he got “mouth” was because of all the b.s. he kept doing himself.

      Reply

      1. Hi Jusagurl,

        Yes you are right about the slapping & in my case biting etc…during sex. Never beating just demeaning. The dirty talk, Slut & Whore during sex or whispered when out in public locations ie…restuarants is all part of the gaming & their deviant nature. My Soc told me I was his possession & that no one else would ever have me blah blah…he would always have his eyes open during sex & looked evil that I would close my eyes. He would push on me so hard that my breathe would come out like he was sucking the oxygen from me…which as we all have read this is another one of their traits. Really weird people!
        I was always justifying his behavior in my head as just a game yet I played along whereas that’s not my moral coding at all!

        I am disappointed in myself but, now realise I was in some sort of hypnotic dance that he systematically introduced into our relationship (10 Years) so programming me endlessly to accept the unacceptable.

        I am relieved to be free finally & I am extremely grateful to the OW in my case for bringing his antics to my attention….although she has stayed with him even knowing he’s a Soc.
        I know how strong he can be so, I realise she’s in the fog of abuse that he is so adroit at 😦
        She does not value herself enough to get rid of the crazy, she’d rather have a Soc than be alone???

        Love & Light to you.
        Be happy xoxo
        PR

      2. I hadn’t read that yet about the “sucking the oxygen out of you” thing. I noticed the guy seemingly sucking air out of me while kissing when last with him. I thought that was strange but didn’t have a reference for it until now.

      4. There was a lot there, thanks for the link. But I didn’t find our particular topic. If you stumble across an old one you like, send it my way.

      6. Read Fifty shades of sadism on the psychopathyawareness if you haven’t already.

        PR 🙂

    1. This blog is about dating a sociopath Julia, so I don’t plan to cover that topic. The best advice would be to try to understand, that although he was awful to her, and probably destroyed her, that she could have loved him. They do awful things, but the highs can be incredible because they mirror you. Try to help her find herself again. Make her feel safe, and encourage her to grow. (as she would have been controlled by him) encourage her to stick to no contact, do not contact with him in anyway, if she relapses and speaks to him, be there for her, and don’t give up. They are very hypnotic and can lure you in. Again and again.

      Reply

  27. I wish I would of found this blog sooner. As for a topic… Can a sociopath turn you into one? I feel I went crazy myself from the awful things a sociopath did to me and I second guess all the aspects of my life that got ruined because I was possibly i was the sociopath instead. Now I find myself going back with a promise getting paid back money but getting manipulate to sacrifice more and I want to be nice and stop feeling bad but I feel I’d get labeled by them a sociopath.

    Reply

    1. Hi welcome to the site. No a sociopath cannot turn you into one. Although they can manipulate your emotions so much that you feel you have to do what you can to survive. It isn’t that you are manipulative, its more that you get into playing the game with the sociopath. The best advice is to walk away from them.

      Reply

  28. A close friend of mine has been separated and plans to divorce a vile man I suspect is a sociopath The first time I met him. 6 years ago he showed up here drunk she asked me to drop him off at his mothers a short drive from here on the way there he was obnoxious when I told him to cool it the answer was no or he was out of my truck on his ear it was wrote off as him being smashed .. the next time I saw him he had moved into her room at our home and they were engaged. after 3 months i helped her find a apt to get him out. he had a job but. He didn’t pay rent buy any food and stuck me with a cable bill i couldn’t pay. was passive aggressive to down right vile about me when he thought no one could here him or so I thought. I’ve avoided him but was civil altho he has always made my skin crawl when they got married he isolated her she came less and he was always with her then not at all altho they were often st his moms down the road. not wanting to be around him I didn’t go to her place. over the years He would show up if the door was not locked Id find him sitting in the living-room complaining they had a fight ect.. i refused to give advice or comment he would try and get me to go to mutual friends or the casino I always said no he would leave saying not to tell her I didn’t as he quite frankly scared me and they already had domestic issues him in and out of jail… she put him tru treatment twice and still blames his drug and alcohol but Its more than that.. so 5 months they are separated she is out of town and he shows up here with his mom to get her lawn mower. then again unannounced needing help with her car broke down when I didn’t want to go he offered to pay and we needed the money so I went he didn’t fix the car cried & ranted about her and again I refused to get involved or offer advice He apologized for his behavior years ago she called thanking me for helping fix it i told her it wasn’t he was to come back but never did. I do no why I felt sorry for him I was glad she had given him the boot but never said so to anyone.. but it seemed like he had changed she commented he was trying but it was too late.. I forgot how vile he could be .. big big mistake…

    the next time he showed up he was crying about how she was cheating on him when they were going to counseling ect convinced my son and I he just wanted to go to the casino and not have her mad if I went she wouldn’t be when I didn’t jump at going handed me 40 dollars to play with and promised my son we would be a couple hours only.. omg I caved and went. on the way he stopped at her Dads and acted like he just found out she was leaving him.. then at the casino was loud about her cheating and did I know any girls his age when I wanted to leave he popped off that he wanted a BJ and if I didn’t find someone owed him I tried to hand him the 31 dollars I had he apologized and refused told me he had been drinking wile I was on the machines playing.. handed me the keys a huge mistake thinking I’m driving its OK..

    we live 10 miles out of town turning on our dirt road he yelled at me to stop then demanded a BJ when I refused and got out of the van he grabbed my arm telling him to go home he said ” He had been waiting a long time for this” I jerked my arm out of his grasp started walking then running he followed grabbed my arms and tried pulling me back to the van me yelling leave me alone go home him yelling to calm down he just wanted to talk when it turned into a tug a war he picked me up and carried me back to the van

    knowing i couldn’t out run him i told him we could talk in the driveway when he pulled over again and shut off the lights I opened the door to jump out he started forward and passed the driveway so I jumped out and ran telling him I didn’t trust him to go home or i was calling the police. he turned the van around and didn’t follow me down my driveway

    he called and left a message saying he was sorry he knew id tell her and for putting me thru it… iv locked all the doors since and she told me I should have called the cops too late now…..

    I tried to rationalize it and then didn’t want repercussions him living so close at his moms. thought if I kept my word didn’t call since he left he would leave me alone..

    .. now I’m not so sure…. he has told everyone he payed me 20 dollars of drugs for a BJ.. as vile as that is. people who know me know better but. he had her asking what really went on
    and I lost my temper..

    I called him a lying piece of shit.

    and then she tells me he is dangerous stay away from him …. well yeh. not like i invited him here in the first place only now realize what kind of predator It’s probable he is ….. I believe he planned and orchestrated it to use me to fight with her. and maybe try and make me look vile revenge maybe? for refusing and being repulsed .

    . .. the comment of waiting a long time freaks me out more now.. even tho I’ll never be sure what he meant exactly and don’t plan on asking…..

    . I’m not a young girl I know better but right up to the phone message he had me. thinking maybe I’m mistaken and over reacting that I would question myself is scary in it’s self… because he makes my skin crawl always has how do you temp. forget such a thing?. never again……
    .. I think I’m very lucky to have come out of this unscathed..

    maybe some good can come from this if it helps someone not make the same error in judgement…. thx for your time
    . . . ….. .

    Reply

  29. Could you please help me understand why I am addicted to him ? My sociopath who watched me kill my self. My sociopath who created so many Tsunamis in my life where I had to rebuild my life as a single parent with two young differnly challenged children. Why am I still in love with a man who turned me in to ashes. A restraining order has separated us again. Forth time in six years. This time he will end up in jail as his violence towards me and my children are unimaginable. But I am still looking for his warmth. The pain of missing him id excruciating. I feel I need to end my life. Again. Help. Please.

    Reply

    1. I know you’re pain, the feeling of emptiness, abandonment, deceit, they are the most excruciating feeling to deal with. but what helps me is to read about Sociopaths, and know they will never change, there is no help for them……try to find someone normal, that’s what I’m working on now!

      Reply

  30. I wonder if they ever do on a rare occasion now and then, have real or genuine moments of compassion or take pleasure in seeing us happy? I know this is the opposite of what a sociopath is. Are they completely inhuman or why do they sometimes do things that seem to be unselfish. For example, mine would always buy my cats treats without asking or expecting me to recognize this and a couple of times he filled my refrigerator with food when I was broke and just left without waiting for a thank you.

    Reply

    1. Yes. It’s not about seeing you unhappy. It’s about a lack of empathy. Being unable to empathise with how you are Feeling. Doing destructive things and not Feeling guilt remorse or shame. They just don’t have a conscience. No reason Why they can’t be happy for you (esp when your accomplishments benefit them) they are without conscience not sadists (although some are that too)

      Reply

    2. The way I look at it, my spath did nice things for me (helped out with the yard, clean my house, cook for me, was good to my son the few times he was around him), but did them as a ploy to make me believe he was a good guy. I look back now and realize that was all fake and he wasn’t doing them to make me happy, rather to mask his evilness.

      He used to say things that would highlight his “niceness”. For example, when he first met my son, they hit it off. He asked me that night, “Are you surprised how well we got along?”. Another thing is I was pregnant while dating him and the times he would disappear, he’d always come back asking how the baby was doing and say, “Are you surprised that I’m asking how the baby is doing?” I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now looking back, he was just trying to point out to me as if he was saying, “See….I’m not a bad guy, I did x, y, z like nice guys do.” Just trying to pull the wool over my eyes…..it worked for a while….

      Reply

      1. that’s what makes it so confusing! They mimic normal people reactions, and use them to blend in as being normal…….but, that’s all it is, an act! This is mind boggling to me, the fact that you cannot take them at their word………they cannot love, they cannot feel, and they are the greatest liars……its like they are from another planet, and they are not human!

      2. Hi Jeanie 🙂

        They are empty shells, bodies with brains but, no heart 😦
        We are the strong ones & they need us to supply their entertainment, pleasure etc…
        Keep reading & learning & supporting yourself & others & you will gain clarity & eventually put the Soc behind you where he belongs.

        Be brave & strong, you are not alone, we have all been subjected to the Soc hell but, we are still alive inside & waking up, taking back our power & loving ourselves…Something the Soc will never do!

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxox

      3. So true! But mine did drop subtle clues to who he really was, but I was so in love with the person I thought he was, I overlooked them…like an idiot!

      4. Hi Lenore 😉

        Yes mine did nice things also but, always with an agenda…sex, food, shelter, etc…whereas I don’t do things for others with a “what can you do for me attitude?”
        They like to impress your friends & family so, just another ploy to make themselves more appealing?
        The Soc likes to appear the hero but, he is your worst enemy & I wouldn’t wish a Soc on my worst enemy!

        Take care, heal & continue to grow from this, you are beautiful & worthy, don’t forget it!

        Love & light always,
        PR xoxox

      5. Oh & your not an idiot that you missed the clues as I did also 😦
        Mine said,’ I deserved better than him & would figure it out one day’, ‘that he was jealous & possessive & would not be able to take it?’,
        ‘I was his possession & no one else would ever have me, ever!’
        ‘he said he had never felt real love’ & ‘he stated that he only liked one of his three children’, I thought all of these statements weird at the time but, never really overthought it as it was creepy & confusing.
        I was brainwashed & hypnotised by his monotone controlled voice which he regaled me with almost daily. “you are mine & mine only’…’Yes Master’…he liked me to call him master!!! I knew it was weird but thought it was funny so, treated it as a joke 🙂 really pissed him off sometimes (lol).
        His sexual deviances freaked me out also & mostly I did not play that game although the biting & smacking was introduced gradually but, I did not like it but, did not know what to do….scared I’d lose him I guess?

        PR 😉

      6. I think the “impressing family” is probably more of the duper’s delight they experience. After all, the family has absolutley no idea what they are in the presence of, but he knows the difference and enjoys being superiorly in the know. Whether he’s doing it to a girl or not is probably inconsequential—a victim is a victim.

      7. Yes it is dupers delight & superiority but, it’s funny that they give up very quickly on the ones that are one to them.
        Mine even destroyed a friendship & then tried to hit on my girlfriend months later but, she was onto him….I however had no clue as he had ruined my relationship with her 😦
        I called her recently & apologised & we settled our differences which is good 🙂
        Truth is freeing 🙂

        PR x

  31. Hi there, you talked about the sociopath using his child to get to you but could you discuss the relationship directly with the child. I feel my partner has a weird and obsessive relationship with this child where the child can do no wrong and is put on a pedestal, the child owns him it seems. Is this normal?

    Reply

    1. Sociopaths are like children Janie. Many can enjoy spending time with children because

      1. They can be a child without responsibility
      2. They can be in control
      3. They see their child as part of them (like their arms or legs) due to this – their child massages their own narcissistic supply.

      Remember how the sociopath was obssessive and had ownership over you? They can be the same with their child. Why? – because they see their child as part of them – and as you know sociopaths can be very self centred and selfish.

      Reply

      1. Very true Pos 🙂

        My Soc has his son (late 20’s) as his wing man & they shared many a laugh at my expense.
        He pays his wages & give him trips overseas as a reward for his part in the game!
        His daughter also plays Daddy’s game & she’s in her 30’s!
        Calling me to cover for him even when she knew the truth!
        I don’t blame them as he has had the power to manipulate them from birth 😦
        The sins of the father etc…
        My Dad would never use me against others so, I got a good one 🙂
        Just wish he’d been around to protect me from the Soc….he helps me from above now 🙂

        Love & Light to you Pos xxx

  32. So many who’ve been with a sociopath have trouble leaving their “addiction”. Maybe something around the severe consequences of being with one? A shortlist of some of the (true) terrible things that can happen could be very motivating/inspiring. I would guess some have contracted diseases as a result of their promiscuity, we read a lot about financial ruins, police involvement. A fill-in-the-blank for worst of the worst scenarios from contributors/commenters might be interesting.

    Reply

  33. Hello Pos 😀
    Maybe you can help us to deal with the pain after triangulation? I mean, yes, he’s gone, but sometimes (maybe it’s just me) I still compare myself to his ‘other ladies’ :(. He kept comparing in our relationship, it’s his daily schedule, and I feel crazy now for remembering what he said previously. I know this is a bad habit and his words have nothing to do with me. (In my case, he even admitted that his words are just tools to belittle me, that they’re all lies, that he just wanted to torture his victims and he’s happy to see me suffering)
    But I still feel the same pain when I see things that remind me to his ‘other ladies’. He made me feel I’m not good enough, and I hate his voice in my head.

    By the way, sometimes I do pity the socs. As I read your blog and comments here, somehow I think you’re all great, amazing women… If only the socs can love, I’m sure they’ll love you. I do pity them for losing the possibility of having a safe, long term, happy and stable relationship with amazing women. Sad, they just have brain abnormalities so they can’t love… Sometimes I can’t hate them because of this. I think of them as reptiles who have to live in human bodies 😦 as their brains only have primitive instincts as reptile’s brain…
    It must be hell to live like that…

    Reply

    1. Hi Free, 🙂

      Don’t beat your self up by comparing yourself to his OW’s as to him you are all a means to an end. It’s not personal at all & all the great things that he was attracted to you for are still here. It’s YOU & you alone….the ow’s are just like you, they will love all the attention & then the rot will set in. I feel for the OW’s that have gone before me & that have come after me.
      They have either suffered the discard or will one day & like you will be wondering what they did wrong! You & the OW’s don’t do anything wrong except believe in someone & trust someone that does not give a damn 😦
      Soc’s are not connected emotionally & everyone is just an object for them to procure either to gain or to game from.
      It’s really that simple & I hope you give yourself the love as you freely have given to him.
      You deserve it more than he does & now you can work on healing your heart & the world is yours to give love & receive love 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      Reply

      1. Thanks PR :D.

        Maybe I’m confused since his OWs are all different. Too much differences (one is my age, with very different personality, someone who won’t push back like I did LOL, and one is likely his mom’s age, and another one is young enough to be his daughter…etc… we all have no similarities!) but he can do his triangulation perfectly. I personally think, it’s not because he loved me most (as he told me, but his words are just lies) that he said he wants to spend his lifetime with me. Just because he can get his easy life from me since I can do his job for him and take care of his house for him :(.

        I hate feeling worse than any of his OWs (which he told me I was, but in a rage he told me he was lying to hurt me that time). Because we all are so different, sometimes I catch myself thinking that their personality traits or their looks are better than mine. Though I know those thoughts are manufactured :D. We’re different just like every other normal human beings out there :D.

        It’s just…he made us hate each other and it feels weird to me now. As if…this is not me, I’m not narrow minded and spiteful…why why why… I don’t usually bring hatred inside me… How could he plant it all along… How to stop listening to this ‘fake hatred’ (because it has no root at all, I don’t hate his OWs consciously…)

        Hard to recognize myself right now… 😦

      2. Hi Free I know your not that person 🙂

        The Soc has played & manipulated everything & it’s normal to be jealous, envious etc…of the OW’s because that’s normal. You are normal & your reaction’s are normal.
        I am annoyed that the OW in my case stayed knowingly after she exposed all his dirty game to me? I met with her & she gave me a gift etc…we laughed & cried together over this stupid man & he’s been sharing more than his love (if you get the drift :(….yet even after all the pain & humiliation she stayed. I was out in the cold, he did the discard & as far as I’m aware they are planning on marrying. I don’t want anything to do with either of them again but, I don’t blame her as she is just another of many of his victims. I cannot save her & I don’t need to.
        She got rid of me to clear me out & is probably unaware that he will resent her for that.
        He is also aware she is on to him so the game will have lost a lot of it’s veneer because, he enjoys playing….she knows his form so, he won’t like that.
        My Soc had women of varying ages, two I know of old enough to be his mother, he is 58 now, I just turned 50 & the current OW is 53 & there are more but, not sure of their ages…nothing would surprise me though.

        Hang in & keep building your self worth, remember you are beautiful & worthy…believe in yourself 🙂

        Love & light 🙂

        PR xoxox

  34. Thanks a lot PR 😀

    Yes, one of his OWs before me also stayed with him no matter what he did… He discarded her for another woman (not me). He blamed me for not staying, as she did in the past. He’s shocked when I left, because he didn’t want to discard me, it’s not his time yet :(. He devalued me, but I didn’t really see him cheating on me. Maybe his family covered for him, or he didn’t find another source of supply yet, maybe he found another but didn’t get her hooked (yet). All of his OWs that I know are ‘before me’s – he had three or four at the same time, based on clues from his neighbors, families, and friends. (Don’t think he’ll let me know his new woman since I am the one who diagnosed him as a sociopath, LOL)
    Anyway, he gave me silent treatment, threatened that he will replace me if I try to take back the control, devalued me to his family and friends, etc…and I started to think he was abnormal, thinking maybe it’s just for a brief period. I just wanted to help when I gave him the psychiatry checklist, I thought maybe some medication will help him… I was shocked when he scored that high at psychopathy. Psychopathy knows no cure, and I’m sick of his insanity, so I chose not to stay. For weeks, he said he wants to change, he wants to be with me etc, and one day he just disappeared :(.
    I know I haven’t been openly cheated on… My case isn’t as cruel as yours because I ran away quite early…thanks to this site and psychopathy checklist for teaching me to recognize a soc 😦 I know it’ll happen to me if I don’t run as fast as I can. He’ll discard me even if I stayed, maybe years later when he already gains everything he wants from me… It hurts, but it can hurt more if we stay any longer… It’ll be very nice if we can find any treatment for socs so they can stop ruining people’s life, finance, and self worth 😀

    Reply

    1. Yes Free Run & never look back….you are FREE 🙂

      I nearly got away 3 times but, he had his enablers/followers call me & cover his lies/motivations etc….when I told him in the end he was a Soc he had his best friend a policeman call me to deny this! They then went on to report me to the police for harassment due to a text calling him a Sleazebag! Quite appropriate I thought but, that was the only time I lowered myself & he played the victim card….what a classic Soc, so predictable etc….I am finally free & it feels great….I see colours again (LOL) xoxox
      PR.

      Reply

      1. PR, I almost say “how could he?!” but then I realize, he’s a soc and that’s what they do 😦
        In my case, he called his friend but fortunately, his friend said he’s the problem, he’s insane, it’s his fault, not mine :D. Even his family (at last) admit, it’s his problem. Maybe because in his idealization phase, he promised to all of them that this time, he changed. He won’t cheat. (They’re ashamed of his cheating) This time, he’ll get married. This time, he’s found the one.
        I don’t know, he was ‘madly in love’ (don’t know if this is true for his version of love) and his families and friends said he’s never been like that before. He used to tell them that his ex’s are just toys. Yes, he happily watched as his ex’s went away with another men. But for my case, he threatened that he’ll kill my next bf :(.
        Guess he won’t do it anyway, when I’m fully recovered and having another relationship, he’ll be busy torturing his new lady :/

      2. Free I had a friend who lived with a guy who was schizophrenic & your story rang a bell re the family knowing etc…& admitting he has a problem….& he threatened suicide a lot???
        Still a Soc is a Soc & lots of Narc/Soc’s etc…they are all scarry & we need to get rid of them asap….& yes he will do it all over again with some other poor unsuspecting woman 😦
        As long as you are safe & healing though that is the main priority 🙂

        Love & light 🙂

        PR xoxox

  35. Thanks PR 😀
    He didn’t threaten suicide, he threatened to ruin my life so I’ll attempt suicide. Sometimes, he threatened to kill me or my future bf. No contact is the best solution. He said he can’t live without hurting anyone, so he’ll find someone to hurt asap. Guess he’ll forget his sadistic ideas about me right after he find another prey… Scary 😦

    Reply

  36. The emotional abuse caused by these people, falls under “personal injury” at the court level. Would you be able to write on the prospects of filing a lawsuit against a partner that caused emotional abuse?

    Reply

    1. Do you think that would be possible Darlene? Remember that they are experts at being manipulative. Are compulsive pathological liars and would make you out to be the crazy one? I realistically think that if you tried to do that – they would just make you out to be a demented nutjob who was obsessed by them…. so it would backfire. Would be nice if you could though huh?

      Reply

      1. There are kids that are committing suicide due to cyber bullying and a law passed in New York to help alleviate this form of “emotional abuse” .What’s the difference for those like us, not able to escape our bully?. Where is protection for the partners that have been emotionally abused in domestic relationships? We have drained bank accounts, journals kept of our plight, friends and family that can testify on behalf of wrong doing in the relationship, copies of emails, voice messages and angry texts,it’s all documented. I wish he would have just hit me, as “violence” is the only thing that courts will respond to. When walking away, running, escaping, isn’t an immediate option and damage has been done, there must be an avenue of recourse that should be instituted by the courts. (“palimony” for those not married but in lengthy relationships????)…..A petition to get law makers attention is needed. Sooooooo many groups offer help, guidance, counseling for the aftermath of these relationships and yet the abuser remains untouchable. It’s just wrong. How to win an emotional abuse court case wouldn’t be difficult if we had the support of lawmakers. Start a petition at http://www.Change.org, we’ll all sign it.

      2. Hi Darlene,

        I think a lot of Sociopaths start very young & are bullies initially & on it goes 😦
        Our society is plagued by domestic abuse due to power & control & behind it will be many Narc/Soc personalities etc…also in the workforce. How do we change this, more awareness is the key & I would sign that petition as I truly believe that behind a lot of breakdowns/suicides etc…are Narc/Socs because they don’t ever get caught. No conscience makes it very easy to operate & destroy the weak & vulnerable empaths & it’s been going on forever!
        I think if people were more aware of the traits & modus operandi & empowered within themselves not to allow abuse or accept it, well what a great world it would be 🙂
        Unfortunately the Narcs/Socs are also in positions of power so, it becomes extremely hard to prove & sustain (sigh)….still greater awareness can never hurt & if one person was saved, then it’s worth it 🙂

        PR xoxo

  37. What about the relationship of being a socopath and certain addictions, drugs, alcohol , and other addictions the may used?

    Reply

  38. Could you talk about what to do if you are an adult child of a sociopath? My mother told me at 12 the only thing I knew about my bio dad for years– that he was a sociopath. Then she went off and married a sociopath. That said she has been emotionally abusive to me, distant, cold, undermining to me most of my life and freely admits that she has no mothering instincts and some people should not have kids. It wasn’t until I started working on child protection cases that I truly understood that the long silences and random, overly generous gifts were also not normal. She claims she is socially phobic and that she feels more comfortable alone than with people, but since she married the current sociopath her current social skills have improved and I’ve caught her out in way more lies. Is she a sociopath too? Do they ever feed off each other? Or is she just a willing victim in the game that is also emotionally abusive? Interested in anyone’s opinion. (P.S. my grandma is a sociopath too, but my grandpa was normal as are two of my three maternal uncles.)

    Reply

    1. Hi T K thanks for your comment. I am sorry to read what you have been through. This blog focuses on dating a sociopath. So this is what I write about on this blog. With regard to your mother. She might be heavily influenced by her new husband. (and likely is) they tend to mould people into who they want them to be. Taking away their personality – and who they are. They also isolate. Which is why she might be changing too.

      Reply

      1. Many thanks positiva girl. I understand you wanting to keep your blog specific to its namesake, especially as there is so much to write about there. That said, I really, really appreciate your blog. After years of independence I am, unfortunately, living with them mid-career due to a disabling illness. Reading your work has helped me to feel much less confused, anxious, sad and frightened by what is going on around me. When I hear him talk badly about me outside my bedroom window to his paid for friends– I don’t feel bad about myself because I realize its just an insincere smear campaign to try to isolate me and make me feel uncomfortable enough to leave, thereby separating my mom from her only child. When the water and lights in my bathroom were mysteriously turned off without any mention of it to me. I did not panic, I tried to find the breaker box myself and when he intercepted me I was very nonchalant about it saying “no worries, I can just use your bathroom.” (His bathroom would take great effort for me to get to.) And two days later everything mysteriously came back on in my bathroom. Why? Because I took your advice and didn’t react. Thank you so much for your blog! I can’t tell you how much better I’m starting to feel physically, just not having to deal with their drama and focusing joyfully on healing.

      2. Hey T.K I am so pleased that you can make sense of what I write and that it is helping you with healing. I think once you can see the truth – they will find it difficult to harm you. Truth is the light and will set you free. It is more preferable to lying to yourself fuelled by their deceptions. By knowing the truth you will regain power and control back for you. It means a lot to hear that it has helped you.

      3. Hi Pos,
        Why don’t you write about the power of awareness that comes from this site 🙂
        The strength gained via support & sharing has definitely helped many of us.
        I think it would be great to keep the ‘YOUR NOT ALONE’ theme going as so many find a lot of strength & relief when they realise it’s not just them that have had the misfortune to know a Sociopath.
        I for one had my world turned upside down but, out of this has come a new world & a whole new outlook so, we must find the Positives & share them as well 🙂

        Well done Pos on bringing light back into our lives 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xxx

    2. Hi T.K.

      A sociopath will often accuse others of what they themselves do or are so, if your Mother said your bio father was a Soc then it was probably because, she is & he may have called her on it?
      Have you had contact with your Father? He may have a different story?
      It would be very hard growing up with emotionally distant people but, you sound like you are very well adjusted & I hope that all your knowledge helps you understand yourself & others & that you grow from it…never let a Soc defeat you, you are better than that 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      Reply

      2. How do you think I got so smart 😉
        I hope you are well & life is improving tenfold for you 🙂

        PR xoxo

    3. Hi T.K.,
      I don’t really know anything about this scientifically and haven’t read much on it yet, I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. You seem really pulled together for a child of such parents. That said, I do seem to read a lot of familial trending with these type disorders so, genetic? Don’t know, but possible. The other school of thought is environmental so, I guess that’s possible too.

      Reply

      1. Thank you all for your comments. No, I have not spoken with my bio dad. in my twenties I’d thought about hiring a PI to find him, but I was worried that if she was telling the truth, I’m might be adding more dysfunctional people to my life.

        I credit my grandpa and Angela Lansbury for turning out somewhat normal. When I was six my mom gave me to my grandparents, and while my grandma was working, my grandpa was retired (and normal) so I got to spend a lot of time with him and finally feel unconditionally loved. He taught me tennis and cards and how to surf. He also let me watch Murder She Wrote every week and Jessica Fletcher, the role played by Ms. Lansbury, became my female role model. After a year, my mom took me back out of “duty”, but grandpa made sure to visit me many times a year no matter where we were living. I think that one year of happy and healthy bonding was enough to keep me believing that life could be better when I grew up. So jusagirl, maybe as PR indicated environment can sometimes trump genetics and make us smarter about relationships. Many thanks to you all for the online support. Wishing you all a focused and quick recovery!

        TK

      2. Hi T.K. 🙂

        Just remember that they are the ones with the dysfunction/disability & view them as having a dis-ease.
        Then you will stay in your own power & truth & get stronger & braver every day 🙂
        My Grand-father was like yours & gave me a childhood that I treasure so, I am glad you had such a positive experience. Hold onto those positives & be happy 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxo

  39. I would also like to know about if two sociopaths date what would the end results be for both of them, because unfortunately while helping me to get over my dealins with my ex sociopath I thought maybe I am one alsowhich is really messed up, but I find myself still stuck after reading everything!!help me please?!

    Reply

  40. Hi. can you post about sociopaths who move their girlfriends in to care for their kids when they have no one else? As in widowers, or general need of care. The S I know has 4-5 months until his daughter goes to college and he has 2 younger children, one is special needs. Widower. Panicked, he moved her in after many D&D’s (a few years). She is a DV survivor and has no clue…nice girl but clueless. We work together. I told the OW about him, she had no clue. He D&D’d her after 1 year. Thanks.

    Reply

    1. Hi Dnctr, welcome to the site 🙂

      I have to be honest, this isn’t a subject area, that I am familiar with. I only write about what I know, and patterns of behaviour that I have witnessed. I haven’t experienced this to know what to write about the subject? Most sociopaths cause their exes mayhem, and don’t want the responsibility of children, unless they are trying to get one over on their ex.

      Reply

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