The sociopath is always self motivated and self focused. Even when they ‘fake’ that they are ‘doing you a favour’ there is always something in it for them. The sociopath always manages to ‘take’ without your permission. The sociopath is the salesman without the product. The sociopath repeat the following pattern to get what they want. They are not stupid, and everything is always a calculated action. They will:
- Will win your trust, by offering you something for ‘free’ out of the kindness of their hearts
- Will make false empty promises about what they are going to give you in the future
- Will tell you complete lies, to fake that they are being ‘open’ with you to build a sense of trust
The sociopath is not stupid, and will often make a down payment. This will either be
- A promise of what you can expect in the future
- Paying for you, for a short while, so that you feel that you obligated to pay for them at a later date
- Will play on the moral argument that you are a ‘couple’ and couples should ‘support’ each other. They will reinforce when making their ‘downpayment’ how ‘this is OK, it is what couples do for each other’.
The sociopath will almost always make an initial payment to delude you into thinking that they can be trusted. This is almost always a calculated act on the part of the sociopath. They work out how much they are going to offer you, and know that by offering this initial payment, that your trust will be won, so that later, they can take whatever they want from you.
Always, almost always, the amount that they plan to take from you, is of significantly greater value than what they have offered you. It is like placing a bet The sociopath knows that to win the higher amount from the bet in the bookies, that they have to put a payment on the race.
However, the race is never fair, and it is never equal. While you, the victim are playing on fair terms, the sociopath has calculated what their investment should be for their own greater gain, and will indeed ‘fix’ the race. The sociopath never loses. Always the amount that they will have returned is always far greater than what they have invested (often they have invested nothing at all, just simply ‘words’) If they invest these words, they do so, with such sincerity, and conviction, that in their mind, their effort – is indeed a down payment. The sociopath is expert at offering words as reality. And will display anger, if you question their ability to present words as a real product.
Presenting the illusion
Remember that everything with the sociopath is an illusion. What you see, is never what you get. They are the provincial con men/women in life.
It won’t be long before you are sucked in and without realising it, you are stuck paying for them. This is a typical sociopath financial con pattern. The sociopath is in a situation where they have started a new job. They know that they have ‘some’ money, but they know that they won’t have enough money to live until they get paid again. So, they need to find a host that will financially support them until they do get paid. Despite the sociopaths thoughts of superiority, they know that people are not stupid. So, they devise a strategy to live off of you – without you agreeing to it, while at the same time, allowing you to believe that this is, indeed, your own idea.
What the sociopath knows
- They have ‘some’ money, but not enough to live on until they are next paid
- That they have to find someone that will be willing and have the ability to financially support them
- That they have to convince the host that it is THEIR idea to pay for them
- They need to convince the host just how ‘generous’ the sociopath is (so that you will feel guilty if you are not)
- They need to present the illusion that this is a ‘normal’ relationship, of mutual caring and sharing and supporting of each other
- They will have to later play ‘victim’ and that they have ‘temporarily’ fallen on hard times
- They will need to convince the host, that this is a great financial deal, where they will experience more gain than loss
- If the down payment is not with a small money, and instead is with ‘words’ this will be the promise of a brighter and better life, of whatever it is that you are looking for, marriage, children, stability, a glittering bright future. The sociopath knows that they have no intention of offering this to you for real, but they will do and say whatever they need to, to get whatever it is that they want to get from you.
How the sociopath presents this to you
- I have a job, if I move in with you, I can financially support you
- When I get paid, I will put all of my wages into your account
- Great generosity, being lavish (and wasteful) with their own resources, knowing that they will run out and have to live off of you, in a week or two
- Presenting the illusion that this is just a temporary measure, until they have got paid again
Alternatively – if the down payment is words and not money
- Promises of a great and fantastical future
- Being the person of your dreams, and constantly selling you whatever it is that you want – without actually having anything to sell, or having any intention of ever giving it to you (marriage, children, money, anything really that you are looking for)
- Telling you that they will ‘always’ be with you – so that you think that this blip, is temporary, but it doesn’t matter too much it will work out long term
What you think
- This person is stable
- This person is generous and kind
- This person loves me, and would do the same for me (this belief is fed by the illusion of the initial down payment investment)
- This person is going to be in my life for the ‘long term’
- This person is trustworthy
- This person has the same morals and values as me
- This is a mutually caring and sharing relationship (they were generous with you, now it is time for you to be helpful to them)
- That this is the right person for me
- That this person is just like me, that we have shared ideas, morals, plans, dreams and ambitions
The financial trap
You won’t realise that you are in a financial trap, and that the financial tap that starts off with a trickle, will soon begin to flow like a river. Once the tap is switched on, it is very difficult to switch the tap back off again. You will find it difficult to switch the tap off, once it has been turned on because:
- They will play victim
- They will falsely accuse you
- They will play the hero – and that they are doing everything that they can to make you happy
- If you stop playing host, the words and the dreams of the bright and brilliant future, will be switched off…. and all of your investments will be lost
- You have invested so much already – you don’t want to lose all that you have invested for nothing
- You are waiting for the bright and brilliant day, when everything is the ‘perfection’ that the sociopath has sold to you
- They will keep tight control, either living with you, or sticking right by you, so that you are forced to keep paying for them
Soon you will be financially paying for the sociopath. Money will disappear, quicker than you have ever known. The trap is that you feel that this is YOUR choice. This is a financial con. It is financial abuse. The sociopath already knew, prior to moving in with you, that they needed to make an initial payment to build trust with you, so that they could live off of you. Once you are stuck, you are well and truly stuck. You have no choice but to financially support them. The sociopath knows that to achieve this, they need to be living with you. Only then, will you be totally financially responsible, if they ‘fall down on their luck’ after all, somebody has to pay the bills!! You can be sure that somebody will not be them!
They already know that if they are living with you, well you will need money for food. You would be a hard person indeed, if you ate and provided for yourself and left the sociopath to starve.
If you are a man dating a female sociopath, what type of man doesn’t support his woman? To up the game, the sociopath will play victim, how hungry they are (like it is all YOUR fault). The expenses run up quick, and soon you are spending far more than you have ever spent, or would have spent on yourself. Now the sociopath is, by being in control of your emotions, is now in control of your finances.
If you refuse to continue to pay, you will be depicted as the ‘bad partner’. They will continue to feed you the illusion of lies. Telling you how when they get paid they will give you all of their money. Or they will tell you, that they need to get through college/uni, and that this will bring rewards. Or how lucky you are to have them, you will give them security, if female a child. Always their promises are of a bigger pay off, than what you think that you are paying for. The sociopath is clever, crafty, manipulative and deceptive. The story that they tell you, is not the story that they have crafted in their own mind. The sociopath is an opportunist, and if they get the opportunity, they will take everything that they can from you financially, until there is nothing left to take.
How long this continues, really depends how long you are prepared to allow it to continue. Not all sociopaths are financial con men/women, but a lot are.
Life to the sociopath is just a game. Be aware if the sociopath suddenly:
- Becomes overly generous as likely they are grooming you, so that they can live off of you, as soon as their money runs out, (the money will run out sooner than you think)
- Verbally repeating the fantasy of the future life that you will have a) lifetime commitment b) soulmate connection c) marriage and children d) offering to support you fully financially in the future
- Even if the sociopath is paying their way, as soon as they start talking about what they are going to give you in the future – be wary, especially if they repeat this over and over. WORDS are not reality – even if the sociopath sells it as so
- Tells you that they will give you x y z as soon as…..
Getting out of the financial trap
Remember that life to the sociopath is just a game. They will sell you something so that you think you are on equal terms. But what they are offering you, is just words. A dream, a fantasy of future events that cannot happen.
To get out of the financial trap
- Do not listen to victim mentality – you are only responsible for you
- Get him or her OUT of your home, or business, the longer that they remain attached to you (Like a limpet), the further losses you will incur. You cannot turn OFF the tap, unless you get them OUT.
- Remember that sociopaths will do and say ANYTHING to get what they want. The more enthusiastic they are, the more that they are PRESSING what they are going to give you in the future, the more suspicious you should be.
- Understand that you will likely NEVER get back what they have taken, and trying to get it back is just a waste of energy. They will tell you that they will give it back to you. But this is just words. Remember that they have NO CONSCIENCE so they just say whatever that they want to say, to keep control, and to keep you hanging on a string
- Accepting financial loss is difficult, and painful. Especially when that loss has been part of a deliberate con from someone that you love. The truth is – sometimes you just have to let it go
- Hanging on, will likely only cause you further loss
- The sociopath is selfish, and will always see what YOU have as theirs to share or take, and what they have has their own
- Act as soon as you can, take independent financial advice, and work on your own finances, and trying to rebuild
- Disengage from the sociopath – that is the only way that you will be able to rebuild your finances. Staying with them, will only cause further financial loss, and listening to their false empty promises of repayment, will only delay your ability to rebuild yourself and your financial status
- Remember that this is NOT your fault. You are NOT stupid. The sociopath is just very clever at their game and are opportunists. While you were viewing the relationship with your heart – they viewed it with their head. This is NOT your fault.
- Start focusing on you. Remember to focus on what you want to GAIN and try not to focus on LOSS… remember that if you focus on loss, its the law of the universe that likely more loss will come your way
It can be absolutely devastating when you have not only been betrayed, had your heart broken, but also financially ripped off by someone that you love. You might not want it to be true, and might think that things will change. That this person will help you to rebuild your finances (after all they caused this, right?) – but the truth is that this is unlikely to ever happen. All that it will cause is further financial loss, and further chaos.
The last person that you want to get help from is the person who caused the financial mess in the first place.
Disengage from the sociopath, and if things are really desperate go to a specialist financial advice centre for help (if there is one in your country) sit down, and LOOK at the state of your finances. I know that it can be scary to do. I know that it can also be heartbreaking to do. Facing it will help. Talk to someone who is specialist, who can help you to start to make financial recovery.
Remember…. that person to help you out of this mess, is NOT the sociopath. If you rely on them to get you out of the trouble that they got you into – they will get you into MORE financial trouble, and your situation will get worse.
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334 thoughts on “Coping with financial loss after dating a sociopath!”
My friend just sent me this link. She has my beau pinned perfectly!! It’s only been 3 months and I have spent over $80,000 on settling him into apartment with only the best furnishings. Stupidly I put his name on one of the credit cards and now I see I am paying for EVERYTHING!! 90 cent charge at a convenience store??? to $4,500 for a guitar. He’s charging the utilities, groceries, tolls, insurances, car repairs, motorcycle repairs, new computer. And he still wants more!! He told me he thought it was about $30,000. I am so stupid!!!!!!
Oh gosh Laura. It sounds like you have a good friend. You need to act NOW as this is a financial tap that you won’t be able to stop. When you do try to stop it, next comes the threats, lies, trying to discredit your name, ruining smear campaigns.
What have you done to stop the expenditure Laura? It is like a tap that you cannot switch off once turned on. It becomes a logistical nightmare.
I am $80,000 in debt with nothing of my own to show for it and yesterday he was still asking for more.
To prepare myself for ending the relationship I contacted all of my credit card companies, I let certain businesses know that I was no longer paying his bills, and I prepared an email that included request for him to not contact me via phone, text, social media, in person, via mail. In the email included that he is a sociopath and should get help.
I did not wish to break up in person because he has shared with me that he hit his ex wife and previous long term girlfriend.
I dropped off his belongings and keys via back door, high tailed my butt out of area and then sent him the email.
He sent me 2 emails thus far begging me to, first, not shut him off financially, then not to end relationship. I will not respond to any of his attempts.
This evening I feel so relieved to have ended the relationship.