The sociopath is always self motivated and self focused. Even when they ‘fake’ that they are ‘doing you a favour’ there is always something in it for them. The sociopath always manages to ‘take’ without your permission. The sociopath is the salesman without the product. The sociopath repeat the following pattern to get what they want. They are not stupid, and everything is always a calculated action. They will:
- Will win your trust, by offering you something for ‘free’ out of the kindness of their hearts
- Will make false empty promises about what they are going to give you in the future
- Will tell you complete lies, to fake that they are being ‘open’ with you to build a sense of trust
The sociopath is not stupid, and will often make a down payment. This will either be
- A promise of what you can expect in the future
- Paying for you, for a short while, so that you feel that you obligated to pay for them at a later date
- Will play on the moral argument that you are a ‘couple’ and couples should ‘support’ each other. They will reinforce when making their ‘downpayment’ how ‘this is OK, it is what couples do for each other’.
The sociopath will almost always make an initial payment to delude you into thinking that they can be trusted. This is almost always a calculated act on the part of the sociopath. They work out how much they are going to offer you, and know that by offering this initial payment, that your trust will be won, so that later, they can take whatever they want from you.
Always, almost always, the amount that they plan to take from you, is of significantly greater value than what they have offered you. It is like placing a bet The sociopath knows that to win the higher amount from the bet in the bookies, that they have to put a payment on the race.
However, the race is never fair, and it is never equal. While you, the victim are playing on fair terms, the sociopath has calculated what their investment should be for their own greater gain, and will indeed ‘fix’ the race. The sociopath never loses. Always the amount that they will have returned is always far greater than what they have invested (often they have invested nothing at all, just simply ‘words’) If they invest these words, they do so, with such sincerity, and conviction, that in their mind, their effort – is indeed a down payment. The sociopath is expert at offering words as reality. And will display anger, if you question their ability to present words as a real product.
Presenting the illusion
Remember that everything with the sociopath is an illusion. What you see, is never what you get. They are the provincial con men/women in life.
It won’t be long before you are sucked in and without realising it, you are stuck paying for them. This is a typical sociopath financial con pattern. The sociopath is in a situation where they have started a new job. They know that they have ‘some’ money, but they know that they won’t have enough money to live until they get paid again. So, they need to find a host that will financially support them until they do get paid. Despite the sociopaths thoughts of superiority, they know that people are not stupid. So, they devise a strategy to live off of you – without you agreeing to it, while at the same time, allowing you to believe that this is, indeed, your own idea.
What the sociopath knows
- They have ‘some’ money, but not enough to live on until they are next paid
- That they have to find someone that will be willing and have the ability to financially support them
- That they have to convince the host that it is THEIR idea to pay for them
- They need to convince the host just how ‘generous’ the sociopath is (so that you will feel guilty if you are not)
- They need to present the illusion that this is a ‘normal’ relationship, of mutual caring and sharing and supporting of each other
- They will have to later play ‘victim’ and that they have ‘temporarily’ fallen on hard times
- They will need to convince the host, that this is a great financial deal, where they will experience more gain than loss
- If the down payment is not with a small money, and instead is with ‘words’ this will be the promise of a brighter and better life, of whatever it is that you are looking for, marriage, children, stability, a glittering bright future. The sociopath knows that they have no intention of offering this to you for real, but they will do and say whatever they need to, to get whatever it is that they want to get from you.
How the sociopath presents this to you
- I have a job, if I move in with you, I can financially support you
- When I get paid, I will put all of my wages into your account
- Great generosity, being lavish (and wasteful) with their own resources, knowing that they will run out and have to live off of you, in a week or two
- Presenting the illusion that this is just a temporary measure, until they have got paid again
Alternatively – if the down payment is words and not money
- Promises of a great and fantastical future
- Being the person of your dreams, and constantly selling you whatever it is that you want – without actually having anything to sell, or having any intention of ever giving it to you (marriage, children, money, anything really that you are looking for)
- Telling you that they will ‘always’ be with you – so that you think that this blip, is temporary, but it doesn’t matter too much it will work out long term
What you think
- This person is stable
- This person is generous and kind
- This person loves me, and would do the same for me (this belief is fed by the illusion of the initial down payment investment)
- This person is going to be in my life for the ‘long term’
- This person is trustworthy
- This person has the same morals and values as me
- This is a mutually caring and sharing relationship (they were generous with you, now it is time for you to be helpful to them)
- That this is the right person for me
- That this person is just like me, that we have shared ideas, morals, plans, dreams and ambitions
The financial trap
You won’t realise that you are in a financial trap, and that the financial tap that starts off with a trickle, will soon begin to flow like a river. Once the tap is switched on, it is very difficult to switch the tap back off again. You will find it difficult to switch the tap off, once it has been turned on because:
- They will play victim
- They will falsely accuse you
- They will play the hero – and that they are doing everything that they can to make you happy
- If you stop playing host, the words and the dreams of the bright and brilliant future, will be switched off…. and all of your investments will be lost
- You have invested so much already – you don’t want to lose all that you have invested for nothing
- You are waiting for the bright and brilliant day, when everything is the ‘perfection’ that the sociopath has sold to you
- They will keep tight control, either living with you, or sticking right by you, so that you are forced to keep paying for them
Soon you will be financially paying for the sociopath. Money will disappear, quicker than you have ever known. The trap is that you feel that this is YOUR choice. This is a financial con. It is financial abuse. The sociopath already knew, prior to moving in with you, that they needed to make an initial payment to build trust with you, so that they could live off of you. Once you are stuck, you are well and truly stuck. You have no choice but to financially support them. The sociopath knows that to achieve this, they need to be living with you. Only then, will you be totally financially responsible, if they ‘fall down on their luck’ after all, somebody has to pay the bills!! You can be sure that somebody will not be them!
They already know that if they are living with you, well you will need money for food. You would be a hard person indeed, if you ate and provided for yourself and left the sociopath to starve.
If you are a man dating a female sociopath, what type of man doesn’t support his woman? To up the game, the sociopath will play victim, how hungry they are (like it is all YOUR fault). The expenses run up quick, and soon you are spending far more than you have ever spent, or would have spent on yourself. Now the sociopath is, by being in control of your emotions, is now in control of your finances.
If you refuse to continue to pay, you will be depicted as the ‘bad partner’. They will continue to feed you the illusion of lies. Telling you how when they get paid they will give you all of their money. Or they will tell you, that they need to get through college/uni, and that this will bring rewards. Or how lucky you are to have them, you will give them security, if female a child. Always their promises are of a bigger pay off, than what you think that you are paying for. The sociopath is clever, crafty, manipulative and deceptive. The story that they tell you, is not the story that they have crafted in their own mind. The sociopath is an opportunist, and if they get the opportunity, they will take everything that they can from you financially, until there is nothing left to take.
How long this continues, really depends how long you are prepared to allow it to continue. Not all sociopaths are financial con men/women, but a lot are.
Life to the sociopath is just a game. Be aware if the sociopath suddenly:
- Becomes overly generous as likely they are grooming you, so that they can live off of you, as soon as their money runs out, (the money will run out sooner than you think)
- Verbally repeating the fantasy of the future life that you will have a) lifetime commitment b) soulmate connection c) marriage and children d) offering to support you fully financially in the future
- Even if the sociopath is paying their way, as soon as they start talking about what they are going to give you in the future – be wary, especially if they repeat this over and over. WORDS are not reality – even if the sociopath sells it as so
- Tells you that they will give you x y z as soon as…..
Getting out of the financial trap
Remember that life to the sociopath is just a game. They will sell you something so that you think you are on equal terms. But what they are offering you, is just words. A dream, a fantasy of future events that cannot happen.
To get out of the financial trap
- Do not listen to victim mentality – you are only responsible for you
- Get him or her OUT of your home, or business, the longer that they remain attached to you (Like a limpet), the further losses you will incur. You cannot turn OFF the tap, unless you get them OUT.
- Remember that sociopaths will do and say ANYTHING to get what they want. The more enthusiastic they are, the more that they are PRESSING what they are going to give you in the future, the more suspicious you should be.
- Understand that you will likely NEVER get back what they have taken, and trying to get it back is just a waste of energy. They will tell you that they will give it back to you. But this is just words. Remember that they have NO CONSCIENCE so they just say whatever that they want to say, to keep control, and to keep you hanging on a string
- Accepting financial loss is difficult, and painful. Especially when that loss has been part of a deliberate con from someone that you love. The truth is – sometimes you just have to let it go
- Hanging on, will likely only cause you further loss
- The sociopath is selfish, and will always see what YOU have as theirs to share or take, and what they have has their own
- Act as soon as you can, take independent financial advice, and work on your own finances, and trying to rebuild
- Disengage from the sociopath – that is the only way that you will be able to rebuild your finances. Staying with them, will only cause further financial loss, and listening to their false empty promises of repayment, will only delay your ability to rebuild yourself and your financial status
- Remember that this is NOT your fault. You are NOT stupid. The sociopath is just very clever at their game and are opportunists. While you were viewing the relationship with your heart – they viewed it with their head. This is NOT your fault.
- Start focusing on you. Remember to focus on what you want to GAIN and try not to focus on LOSS… remember that if you focus on loss, its the law of the universe that likely more loss will come your way
It can be absolutely devastating when you have not only been betrayed, had your heart broken, but also financially ripped off by someone that you love. You might not want it to be true, and might think that things will change. That this person will help you to rebuild your finances (after all they caused this, right?) – but the truth is that this is unlikely to ever happen. All that it will cause is further financial loss, and further chaos.
The last person that you want to get help from is the person who caused the financial mess in the first place.
Disengage from the sociopath, and if things are really desperate go to a specialist financial advice centre for help (if there is one in your country) sit down, and LOOK at the state of your finances. I know that it can be scary to do. I know that it can also be heartbreaking to do. Facing it will help. Talk to someone who is specialist, who can help you to start to make financial recovery.
Remember…. that person to help you out of this mess, is NOT the sociopath. If you rely on them to get you out of the trouble that they got you into – they will get you into MORE financial trouble, and your situation will get worse.
All rights reserved, Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014
Dating a Sociopath 
Thank you POS…You just nailed my last one. Totally nailed him…but the financial aspect is just one of many…I can’t wait to be divorced!
How are you doing Shannon? It seems as if you are reaching out to people and rebuilding? Is life getting better for you? I hope so!! 🙂
POS,my x didn’t take any money from me. he was overly generous. Naturally,he would throw it in my face. When I lost my job,went threw my 401k,he said,”your situation is dragging me down” and left in the blink of an eye. leaving me to fend for myself,I had gone through my 401k,had nothing,and still am stressing about rebuilding. is that financial abuse?
When you say 401k, you mean $401,000 ???
@PG
401K – it’s a type of retirement investing, usually established through your employment, like a IRA, Independent Retirement Account, also a good employer will also make contributions towards this accounts.
Four hundred and one thousand
Or four thousand one hundred?
Right there with you, Shannon! Wow.. This article totalled nailed the finicial con they employee. My ‘not soon enough to be ex’ down to a science. Everything about them is just wrong on so many levels.. disgusting, pathetic & embarrassing.
I went down to 30 hours per week,d/t the multiple sclerosis,when we were living together for awhile,thinking everything would be okay. Than …job loss. I don’t know about you ladies,but if I loved someone,I would stick with them,until they figured out what they would do. But my therapist and neurologist and all the disability web sites state “it is normal for the significant other to get bogged down with paying all the bills,and they may leave” Im confused.
Ummm…. you got through 401k…. and HE was overly generous? Did he get through 401k or more?
Can you see this post what it is saying? Yes… they can make a down payment, but what they get in return is of far greater value than what they spent? Did he spend the amount that you did? I bet he didn’t. He would have known that he would have had to spend some to get you to spend more. You think that it is YOUR choice that you are getting through that amount of money.
Now think about it, WOULD YOU Have spent that colossal amount of money if you were not with him? And why did you? Did you think you would be with him forever and that he would take care of you financially so you didn’t have to protect your financial assets?
yes,he spent more than me…”being the man and all” but as I said,everytime he left on a whim,I was so down and out I had to pawn my deseased mothers wedding ring! I still cry when I think about that. I only worked 30 hours,have ms,multiple copays,etc….so,I drive myself nuts feeling guilty I drained him dry…but in the end,I was the one with nothing.
I think you misunderstand, roseline2avalon – no one was calling Bobbi Jeane a sociopath. She was saying that her partner was.
I remember when we were breaking up expressing my anger that he had accepted expensive gifts from me and he said “I never asked for them.” That is so typical, isn’t it? Obviously I would never have given him anything if he had not said he loved me and wanted to be with me. You don’t buy people things unless you love them and think they feel the same.
Even the jobs I got him … I went out of my way to get them for him and I would not have gone out of the way for just any old person. And when he bailed, he didn’t even complete the work, and had the cheek to whine about how I was hounding him for it: “Why can’t you just leave me alone???” Er … duhh???
He never gave me anything in return and I didn’t expect it, but now I look back and I was to howl with cynical laughter because every now and then he would say “I soooo want to buy you something, but I can’t figure out something perfect enough.”
HAHAHHAHAHA.
Love and Peace
OneRedFlower
Absolutely typical pattern oneredflower… why the name change? Almost as if the gifts he ‘was’ going to give you. As if were real. They sell it as if it were real…
The salesman without the product lol
Gosh how did my name get tacked on to my comment! Lol.
my 401k was my retirement. only 6 grand. Yes,I thought I would be with him forever,no,i did not think he would bail on me,when he knew I had lost my my job,and was at my lowest of lows financially and emotionally. Put it this way…as I said,he was very generous,always,he was a hard worker,always…threw everything in my face he spent on me down to grocery’s. I am in no way one of those girls,that expects to be paid for,never have been. So,the fact he bailed,when I needed his emotional and financial(financial because I thought we would be together forever,I paid what I could up until he left) When I was working,he would pay the bills before I got a chance,I would tell him not to do that,that I could help,he would reply “I got it babe,no worries” and threw it in my face. Its when he leaves,out of nowhere,that I feel the finanacial loss. Like a roommate bailing on you,4 days before rent is due. Is that still financial abuse?
Do you know whether he was stealing from you bobbie? I say this as another con trick, is to steal from your bank account (so, for example, you say that you are sick cant get to your atm, they offer to go for you) now they know your pin no and can take out money. They save that then spend it on you (your own money) so you think that they are being generous!! (this happened to me).
Do you ever think HOW did I get through so much money? And on what? Over what period of time was this? I had to check my bank statements going back a few years, and was shocked and stunned. Yes, its financial abuse.
he was stealing some of my MS medications from me. Money,I have no clue towards the end as I WAS in such a deep depression over my job loss. I was in that fog of confusion. Couldn’t think straight.
since july. my money totally ran out in November. that’s when he bailed.
No. I had no savings, had to pay 700 a month for insurance after job loss,medications,etc…..ms is 1 of the most expensive “illnesses” to treat. I was paying on multiple medical bills while working. Its like he was my supportive partner,than when I got in a financial bind,he split. But he made his own money and I cant see him taking money from me. after the job loss,and the finanacial loss,my own,he would ask “what are you going to do?” he left when I needed him the most.
I don’t do atm’s. I am a paranoid banker. Been hacked into one time via western union,and I wont do it again. I am the girl that takes everything out of bank,and keeps cash on me. Though,I have no money at the time. No,i 6 grand is not a lot,when you had nothing in savings to begin with,and that wasn’t his fault. Ive had biopsy after biopsy,lumpectomy’s,oncology appts,mri’s etc….My medical bills were not his problem. So no,I lost my job,with nothing in savings and tons of medical bills. Maybe the stress of being with him,caused illness,but no,he didn’t take my money. As I said,he was overly generous,only to have the ball drop at any time. While I am so very grateful for his generosity…he picked a bad time to make an exit strategy. Lost my job,4-5 months later he bails. He has bailed before,but I was employed,so wasn’t so financially panicked.
its like it was power for him,and only for him,to feel like a man,to pay for me,making himself feel better about HIMSELF,yet throwing it in my face?!?!
Do you know for certain that he used HIS money to spend on you…. cos if you had that much money, where did your money go?
Honestly as I was so trusting I never thought about it…. its clever, its manipulative, and it is an elaborate con.
a 401k in the usa,is the name for what you put into retirement via your job,mine was only 6 grand. I had multiple medical bills,but ended up using the 6grand to live on after I LOST MY JOB.
Ah, I see, I thought you meant $401,000 however, 6k is a lot of money….
What is happening with your job? I hadn’t been around last couple of days, if you posted about it. Have you been to an interview?
My spath bailed when I told him I had no more money. Tricked me….We went to NY to check on his house and had planned to come back to Florida, but once there, he found and stayed. I returned home feeling empty and abandoned. He’s Scott-free!
I have dated spaths with no money,and I have dated spaths that are very functional and are hard workers.
High and low functioning sociopaths…. even the high functioning ones still like to get something for free, if they can. They are all opportunists.
he was sleeping on x wife’s couch number when,when he was going through a divorce with x wife number 2. as far as I am concerned,I GAVE him a home,a way to get off xwife number 1’s couch.
its hard with the MS,im not gonna lie. Im worried I wont be able to keep up. He was my family,my HERO,as you say in you new post. Until he wasn’t. do you know what I mean?
Yes, I know absolutely what you mean. There are different types of sociopaths. Some are overly charismatic, and play the hero, others are more sadistic, some are passive aggressive. But always the pattern repeats. How long were you together ?
4 years. engaged.
I had my regular job and I sold electronics as a side gig to supplement my income. When we met hr bought a tonne of things from me and promptly paid. So naturally when he wanted to credit a barrage of stuff I said of course, no problem. And he did. He also took stuff saying his friend wanted this or that and that he would collect payment and give it to me. I have received not one dime. I’ve tried a million times with a million approaches and nothing. Promises, stories and sometimes his anger but no money. He totally wrecked my business that I had invested so much into. Then after all that cuz I was still with him …. Didn’t find this site yet.
I lost my job … I spent too much time off taking long long lunches to carry lunch to him then stay and watch him eat. Or on those mornings when he turns up just before I leave for work and then I’d have to take the day to be with him cuz if I said no it would be a big ole deal and I just couldn’t deal with it.
So this post really hit me. I’m still picking up the pieces … And its a lot of pieces. But he has money. I don’t know how much but I think it’s quite a bit. So why do that to me??
Because it is HIS money and he have another plans with it…
GREAT comment NMI 🙂
True @ nmi. Mine was easy money for him.
Hi Cammy, I am sorry that you are going through this. Your comment really hits the nail on the head. This is exactly what they do. You ask why? You know, for no other reason, than ‘they can’ They enjoy duping and conning people. Winning your trust, so that they can get what they want. And as for your being off work, that is often deliberate too.
They get sick pleasure from ruining other peoples lives. I too asked the same questions ‘why?’ you know what I think? Its because they have nothing within themselves, and duping and conning someone, they do get some rush of endorphines (read the post dupers delight and the joy of conning). It is always power and control. Once he has won your trust, he then knows that he can get what he wants for free…. It is sick, really sick.. 😦 the sense of betrayal, when you have given nothing but kindness to someone and they treat you like this, is the worst feeling in the world. That hurt me so much, not only how I was treated, but also that I cared so much about someone and trusted them to allow it to happen to me 😦
my x,would constantly tell me to quit my job and go out on ssdi…I thought to myself “self,is this guy nuts? he told his 2nd wife to quit her job,she did,he said she than had an online gambling problem and drained him dry,I will not quit my job” Than,years later after he would tell me to quit my job…WHAMO! I lost my job….and he bailed,stating “your situation is bringing me down” It was a no win situation. which has left me angry,scared,non-trusting of my new job,myself,etc…do you guys ever find yourself,just staring into space? Your house is a mess,the old you would never let your house/apartment get this messy…you were a highly organized person…but after the spath left…your overwhelmed with bills,can you still pay the bills on your own,etc….but you just stare? Unmotivated,sleeping a lot?
After the initial schock this is the natural reaction, we need discipline to get up again and to began to sweep the mess…
Positiva, thank you for this post. To this day he keep saying that I didn’t love him because “I was not there when he needed me” The only thing he needed was a free house, a free meal, a free car, free internet, free sex, free vacations, without any compromise…
As you know I’m trying to mend all the mess that my Pinnochio gave to me(.the only thing he gave to me….a dirty, stinky mess )
Do you think I can give a copy of the article to my creditors? 😎
Big abrazo (hug) to you …and again, ! Thank you!
Yes, you think that your creditors would understand?
You know, I thought it was bad. Then I had to get bank statements going back two years as a company owed me money (I had been too traumatised to notice) all that I knew was that I had no money, when I went through the bank statements I realised that it was far worse than I even realised. Just on one day (when I went to the doctors)… he withdrew £320.00 on another two days £350.00 in two transactions. I couldn’t understand why I had no money. I didn’t think for one minute he would be taking it.
My bank card went missing….. and he must have had it, was just helping himself to free cash from my bank. Its disgusting how someone can do that, their are always thinking with their minds…. one of the most true statements he ever told me was ‘I am an opportunist’…. he was true he never missed an opportunity.
I know how much it hurts…. its the most horrible feeling in the world 😦
@Positiva, I already know the answer, my creditors wouldn’t understand…sometimes I think they also have a sociopathic behavior, they take and take no matter what…they said that we were not married, so they can’t put a checkmark on the separation reason (no matter we had a 4 year “relationship”), and the list go on and on…I decided to love and trust someone that doesn’t deserve to be loved and trusted. Now I am literally naked with a broken heart, with a broken trust, with a broken credit, but at least I know that I’m still standing with my own feets, without using anybody. Yes Positiva, it hurts…but it hurts more when he was on my life..and I know that all of us are going to a better place where the pain will be only a lesson…
Only way I could describe it was literally like a financial tap…. a drain…. once that tap was turned on it kept flowing and flowing and whatever they had was never enough. They are greedy people. Will keep taking as much as they can until the supply is empty and they move on. Bit like how they drain in every other area, emotionally, socially, ugh….
I really empathise with you. My credit rating is also ruined too. The only thing was, that by some miracle most things were replaced. But it is the personal things that were stolen that cannot be replaced that hurt me the most. Like an ipod with 16gig worth of music I listened to every day after my daughter died (someone had given it to me 2 weeks before she died) …. and I can’t get that back. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Money can be replaced. A watch I bought in her memory…. then trying to sort it out, they create such a mess… why? Simply because they can. This is from someone you loved who you trusted, who you gave to. Helped. It is really sick.
Thank God this is a “sickness” that we don’t have anymore, they don’t define us anymore. just wish that the price I had to paid means that my daughter and the next generations after her never ever have to experience the “sickness” that those Pinocchios spread with their wicked smile, their empty eyes and their hollow hearts.
” I need you to be by my side ” mine said constantly as if I was some kind of obedient trained dog .
I would think to myself what odd use of language , its very similar to what your one was using . Bizarre !
Nick
They use the same manual of instructions and the same dictionary. At first I thought he has some kind of abandonment issues, now I know that was the way that he made sure that I will be compromised with him and to make me responsible of him. I was always trying to demonstrate that I will not leave him, that I will remain firm…but the truth is that everything is never enough to him.
Reminds me of when I was in business for myself. Anyone who promised me future business for a lower price never delivered and the only people who asked for a discount were the ones who didn’t need it.
That is a good point John.
I guess it is like ‘temptation’….
Off topic… but the 7 sins. Are, to me, all characteristics of the sociopath
Pride is excessive belief in one’s own abilities, that interferes with the individual’s recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
Envy is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
Wow – totally confirms why I believe they are demonic.
Spot on with the deadly sins … You can really see a soc in all the descriptions.
You should write a book , there is no doubt in my mind that anyone has got a grip on these demons like you have .
I have read huge amounts about these unhinged maniacs .You are way in front of most of them .
Have a serious think about it . You write well at the same time , it isn t boring at all.
Most of what happened to me and its previous victims you have hit a bullseye with in one post or another
Cheers
Nick
Thank you Nick, your kind comment is really appreciated 🙂
I am trying to get this into a book…. I am trying….I need a ghost writer I think 🙂
I am not a religious person at all, but I do believe that some of the biblical wisdom, or wisdom of any religion, is really pertinent to aspects of our everyday life.
Your post also makes me think that sociopaths are not a modern phenomenon, but have been among us since the beginning of humanity.
Finances! This is one area where I am thankful that the relationship with the ex sociopath was a brief one. Even so, I managed to lose a part time job that helped with expenses AND I spent a lot of money “contributing”, because he was always telling me how little money he had because he was paying so much still to his ex-wife who had “milked him dry financially”.
Money was/is important to him, he wants his woman to be his financial equal, which, come to think of it, doesn’t make sense since he has “so little”, according to him. What he is looking for is a woman with some money to “put into a joint pot”.
During our time together he was constantly fishing for information about my financial status, investments, savings, etc. At the same time, we were at a point where he was criticizing my spending, even small purchases like chocolates or a new wallet. I have a job, a career, for a while even had that part time job, and was made to feel guilty for spending my own money on little items for myself, but it was ok to spend money on restaurants, hotels, things we did together.
When he does find a woman with some money of her own, she will lose control of it very quickly if she falls for his charade. Of that there is no doubt in my mind.
I am just glad that he is no longer a part of my future.
Financially, I am recovering nicely, and have even moved on to a job with much better pay than my last one.
@Nick
My name is Nick as well, so Cheers! Love how you refer to them as “demons” and “it”. I think it’s safe to say they’re not human and are in deed “supernatural”.
Hi Nick ,
I m afraid it wasn t that original , its ex husband referred to it that way when I first met him , (he can t even speak her name she caused him so much devastation )
. He almost lost a wonderful farm that has been in his family for 200 years . Once I realised how much crap I was in after speaking to him , I came to view it just as that ….. An “it”.
I make no distinction between the male and female psychopath , they are just different to the rest of us , they just look like us . Its really scary once you wrap your head around it
Nick
@nick and mrmcknight
How interesting, my father refers to my ex as “that” and “it” as well. He won’t speak his name. EVER. Not even in the present of the children, not “your dad, father”. Very interesting. Hmm.
Nick ,
Yes …..about the demon thing …. Its the only way I can think of them … They certainly aren t human thats for sure
Cheers
Nick
Hello Pos, never dealt with this issue before.
Really pleased that you haven’t belwildered. A lot of female ones, will sell you a wonderful bright future, so that you are spending like you are a long term married couple.
I remember thinking in the very beginning, 2 months in, that this felt like a ‘forever’ relationship. He even talked about my money as ‘our’ money… when all that he gave was false empty promises.
Aww Pos, I am so sorry this happens to women. Its so humiliating. One day everyone will be judged accordingly..
Hi Pos;
This part of the relationship with my SP/N ex has been pretty hard to deal with. As he professed his undying love, I supported him and he drained my bank accounts, all the while telling me it was the horrible economy that had caused us to spiral down hill.
For me, everything is gone. My house, my retirement – he even talked me into leaving my job to help him run his “business” so that we could fix our finances.
I guess I am lucky I have family who is putting a roof over my head as I can’t even find a job after nearly 16 months of searching. Too bad we don’t have our own network! =)
I know that in order to recover one must keep your head up and never look back, but it is hard to be left with tons of debt and $19 bucks in the bank and not try to figure out “why”.
But as always, I do so appreciate your insight into this. )
Celeste
There is no why really, apart from that is the way that many of them are.
Faking that it is long term, your in it ‘together’, that it is forever… when really only person taking a hit is you. Making you feel wonderful, so you feel that you are doing it by your own choice.
Am sorry you have lost so much Celeste, but pleased that you have your family to help you
“Faking that it is long term, your in it ‘together’, that it is forever… when really only person taking a hit is you. Making you feel wonderful, so you feel that you are doing it by your own choice.”
It is still difficult for me to wrap my brain around the “future faking”. Is this really intentional on the sociopaths part? Do they do that intentionally as part of their game? Or is there a chance that, at least in the beginning, they actually believe there is a future?
I guess that I have trouble understanding how it can all just be a cold and calculated game, or strategy. But then, knowing what I know now, nothing surprises me anymore.
Hopefully you expath is loving Texas, one of many places off my bucket list, even though they say jobs are plentiful out there. My expath wanted me to lose my job because she got fired 1 year and a half before me. When I last contactected her in early July, she thought she was the best thing that existed in California, and if I did otherwise, I would be losing an opportunity of a lifetime. She used to tell people I had talents, that I did not know I had. Wish I could show you a email she sent me, trying to butter me up with every nice complement under the sun, but it was all for her and her milking my last several thousand dollars and my ok credit score. You know, I can visit SoCal much sooner and Arizona, but I won’t watch her you tube videos which suck anyway (haven’t seen those since July too, when I showed a friend of mine from van nuys what she looked like, and he sensed there was some major psychotic issues with her. However, I still worry that she has my Ssn number and a credit card number, maybe not, because she was stoned, drunk, or loaded with prescription drugs of the psychoses brand. Excuse my long windededness, but I dug myself deep. Hope things are getting better and they will, just try to make new memories with family and friends in new places. Also, the best with you academic pursuits. Sincerely, Shamedepechemode.
Celeste,
This is terrible news , I don t know what to say to you , I felt ill when I read what has been done to you 😦 .
I thought I had it bad , but you are worse off , I am so sorry . If there is such a thing as God , these things will answer for their crimes one day .
I hope that you come through this living hell in one piece .
Regards
Nick
Hi Nick;
It is hard to move past this because it was all done “in the name of love”. But I am trying, back in school, and looking for a job anywhere that will have me.
Thanks for your kindness. No matter where we all end up, it will be better than what we had with the “its”. =)~
Celeste ,
Please keep on going …..
I ve just been to the cinema tonight with my lovely daughters , my youngest has been having trouble sleeping , she fell asleep on me in 15 minutes , I just held on to her for the next hour or so with tears in my eyes , it will just have to do till I can afford to take them out again, they just keep me the right side of the line
Regards
Nick
Children are a blessing Nick! And also great judges of character. What did you watch?
HI Nick;
I hope for you and your daughters that each day gets a little better. They may have been angry but with patience you may be able to heal the relationship between you and all the people alienated by your relationship with the SP.
They do what they do. Divide and conquer. The slowly separate us from the people who can see what they are up to and then make us dependent on them for love and support in all it’s many ways.
I hope things get better for you.
Celeste
Celeste! where is the spath now? Unreal. When I read some of your posts…I get so pissed and want to hire someone to take this beast down! And I agree,how can you not try to figure out “why” AND keep your head up at the same time. How can these soul raping things get away with this? How,is this legal?
Hi Bobbie!
This might get long, but hang in there.
I left him in August 2012. In April, we had moved into a rehab house and were remodeling it to be “our” home – 2500 sq ft, with 4 bedrooms. Plenty of room for just us. So much room that he took the smallest bedroom at the opposite end of the house from the master and made it his “man cave”. He had his desk and computer in there.
In June, I was getting ready for work and went down to the cave to find a pen – I was working, he was unemployed again but had just gotten the first installment of his inheritance – $70K – deposited in a separate account, just his, in another state, but he felt he didn’t need to work for a while. I ran across a letter from my car loan company. He had not paid the note, yet our joint account was nearly drained, yet again, because he said he was paying bills out of it. I was already mad over the note, then saw his computer was on and while looking at the screen I saw he was signed into his favorite game on Facebook – Kingdoms of Camelot – and the chat window was open. Yeah, it was bad of me, but I started reading it because it was a conversation between him and a female player. They were discussing the need for him to create another Facebook account that “she” wouldn’t know about and how it would be for the best. It ended with them professing their love for one another.
My stomach turned. I couldn’t even cry. I said nothing and went to work. When I came home I did my best to act as if nothing had happened. I told no one, but decided that I had had enough and began making plans to leave.
Fortunately, he is in Texas and I returned to California. In one of his more grandiose moments, he told me that he would never return to California because only Texas was “big enough for a person like him”. Our N/C began on Thanksgiving day 2013, when he threw a public fit on Facebook over a cookbook he insisted was his (gift from my mom when I moved into my first home). He explained that he needed it because he was going to a professional chef’s school and GUY FIERI, HIS MENTOR, told him he needed to connect with old family recipes in order to build his palate. It never ends.
Yes, I agree that they are soul raping monsters and I agree that what they do should be illegal, but at this point all we have is knowing that it is immoral and we are so much better than they are. That is why they preyed upon us – the common thread I see between all of the survivors is that they are genuinely kind, honest and trusting people. When I met him, I had a $50K job, and he was always making it a competition to see who could make the most money – kind of hard for him when he couldn’t hold a job. The bastard created documents online to show me that if we went into business together we would make at least double that and create a nice retirement cushion. I now realize that it was his way to finally make sure I wasn’t making more than him because in the two years I worked with him, we made a combined income of less than $35K. When he got his inheritance he got cocky and even more selfish than ever.
I do have PTSD, but I know that somewhere inside I still have me. All I have to do is help her find her way back.
And yes.. my screen name, Lost 2 Camelot, came about when I realized that I had lost the love of my life to a video game and a woman he had never seen in person. But now, I look at it and it reminds me of how crazy and evil he really is.
Thanks for caring! It helps so much!!
Celeste =)
Pos you mentioned 7 deadly sins. Here’s another video I found that speaks on Psychopaths with an additional Biblical outlook.
Thank you!! 🙂
Ohhh I needed this! Thank you Mr Night– Pos , can you post it in your soc uses religion/faith post as well? That is how I found your site. RE : money— it’s crazy how all the traits & games were there that you mentioned but Thanks be to God he didn’t succeed here– I always wondered though if he was being supported by someone else , isn’t that weird? But he did do all the grooming– we didn’t live together ( he was always eluding to buying a house or ” putting me up” or he getting a place near me—it always made me question & feel VERYuncomfortable& put upon & keep distance as I never trusted any of it– and I hold very conservative values & my independence is something I hold onto with dear life. He told me he was retired but for a long time—longer than natural for his age–he wanted to get me a phone plan when initially we met– and buy new phones together-I refused–seemed weird & inappropriate — though I was in financial difficulty– he kept telling me don’t worry about grad loans – they will be taken care of ( insinuating & comforting me that he would take care of all my concerns!) he was always inquiring if I wanted/needed, new computer? Phone? Car? Designer shoes/ clothes etc, he never showed up empty handed but with random gifts–I told him repeatedly no gifts & no to all his inquiries — he never respected my boundaries in this way –I could feel him trying to con & capture– & “keep”but I honestly didn’t have much to take or “keep”- but he took what he could of my trust, heart etc– also referring to himself as an opportunist more than once– I often wondered if there was a sugar mama ( terrible term, but someone that supported his charismatic self) or equivalent in his life-or he did have a nest egg- or if all my prayer & faith conviction/lifestyle intervened, blessed & protected me– he try to use that the most to convince me we were soul mates?? Get behind me Satan! My heart goes out to those that had finances to share , as I can see how tricky they are & masters of manipulation & theft– and truly will take whatever you have to give– perhaps it true to keep & have your treasures in heaven–I’m not very materialistic which I also think threw in an other weird demension into the mix thing –this is what both made me more of and less of a target if you know what I mean?! The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter what you have, value or do– they look for and find every loop hole to get whatever they want or think you have– body, mind, soul, spirit or earthly goods/ riches–even your value system or identity! It is crazy when I look back at how he operates in the world– with the ” kindness, generosity, confidence, freaking scam artistry– all with a smile & hand to hold! You think someone cares, holds sincere interest in your well being and wants to be your partner— so seductive, I can empathize with those that had everything seduced away–they WILL try — I know this– trying is so slimy to begin with– they will test to try to get away with as much as possible. It’s such an expensive game to be played by a spath— no matter how you slice it– but I really see how they can’t take the things that really esoteric ally belong to you– God given heart, body, mind & soul– by grace can all be reclaimed, it’s not easy & painful but glorious in the end to know that learning to love ourselves is the greatest gift ( sing it Whitney rip) and they can not take that away no matter how they try– and we must not let their behavior /false promises get in the way — especially of our recovery!!
I’m so fired up– it’s such injustice– but God knows & rectifies with truth– love & peace to all– EL
Yes great idea EL…. I can add it to the post!!
Great words EL, glad it helped. I also think it’s interesting to see actual scripture speaking on the very topic. This is age old stuff. I read another article recently that I thought brought up some good points as well. Check it out!
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466825
Hi EL ,
Mine wanted me to get rid of my contract ipad & phone and have newer ones on her contract , I guessed it would be for control ( itemised billing etc ) I suspected as well that if we ever split they would be cut off in a nanosecond to create me as many problems as possible with communication …. So I never did it …. Just dragged my heels politely with one excuse after another , it was about the only thing I did do right in the whole sorry 8 months I was with it …. The only time I went with my gut instinct
Nick
this is exactly what mine did
I am so angry ……. at myself for giving him so much. I added him to the title of my property!!! I am such an idiot. But I had my motivation for doing this: it want to “seal” our relationship, buy his affection.
After a grueling 3 year long divorce I am out over $70K in legal bills (just to get him off the title!) and during the course of the last 2 years — during the divorce — he took $127,000 from a line a of credit he took against the property. It is against the family law codes to take such large sums of money during the divorce. He was ordered to return it. Yeah, right. Good luck to me.
I will write more about this later. I need to forgive myself. This is hard, but bit by bit I am doing it.
by the way, why am I jealous of him and his new girlfriend and that he is not suffering enough?
I’ve started reading a book on forgiveness. We can discuss this in another post
I think that forgiveness (particularly forgiving yourself) is a post that I want to write DBM.
I would imagine that what you are finding difficult, is that he has came in, railroaded your life, walked all over you, took what he wanted, then swanned off with someone else like nothing had happened. And that hurts 😦
I wanted to write this post, as I know that there are a lot of people who have been financially scammed, often by a lot of money. And you are left with not only a broken heart, but also destroyed finances too.
I can imagine your frustration though, if the court has awarded for him to pay back your money – and you know he won’t listen to that, is there anything you can do to enforce it?
I think …. though it can feel like ‘throwing good money after bad’
Yes Pos,
Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting them off the ‘hook’ but, it means forgive them for being unable to treat people with love & respect.
Mainly forgive yourself for being duped, it wasn’t your intention & you never asked for or deserved it. Who volunteers for abuse knowingly, no-one I know.
You need to forgive so, that you can move to the final step of Acceptance.
It has happened & cannot be undone so, you have two choices, sink or swim. You move forward or stay stuck, ultimately you choose.
As far as I can tell, there are an awful lot of Olympic level swimmers on this blog so, get on the blocks & dive back into life & leave the Soc’s drowning in the deep end without us for life preservers 😉
Oh look, they’re waving, how sweet…Wave goodbye & don’t throw them a line.
Let them sink back into the depth’s they came from!
Oh & never ever resuscitate one or they’ll suck the life out from you.
Best to leave them dead, they won’t know the difference!
PR xoxo
yes about the “throwing good money after bad.” My plan is to lie low for awhile… he might come into some property when his mother passes. I will have to get an attorney in his country of origin. I’ve already looked into it. It means getting an Enforcement of a Foreign Judgment.
Meanwhile I’m doing more to take care of myself and my daughter. For all of you out there, there IS hope and healing. I see it bit by bit each day. But it takes honest work and discipline to be willing to replace thoughts of obsession, revenge, longing….etc. with true joy. Its not easy and I’ve gone to a few self-help and support groups that help. (I will share about them if anyone is interested.)
Prayer and my religious traditions and community have also helped. This is a bit ironic since my spath used a lot of religious abuse against my daughter and I. He continues the religious abuse by denying me the religious divorce. To add to the irony is that my ex’s girlfriend is “religious” and helps him in the place of worship… cooking, organizing prayer groups and she knows he is denying me the divorce. She had the same difficulty when she was divorcing her ex… sigh, it seems women don’t learn. When I found out some people who knew my story attended her group, I felt so betrayed. I went nuts for a while. I’m better now. I don’t take their actions personally. This is a big key to healing: don’t take the spath’s behavior personally. take the “its not about me,” attitude.
Why do I feel jealous though? I told my clergyman, who was shocked when I said I was jealous, that I was jealous of his girlfriend’s “innocence,” she is where I was at 10 yrs ago. The most painful thing is that I imagine she is better than I. Because my spath got me to such a place of despair and mental illness … or I allowed him to get me…gaslight me. I began to self-harm, he even got me taken to the hospital by the police and arrested once for spitting him. Yes, spitting is considered battery!
I read somewhere that most people do not actually do what will make them happy. We add to our pain by choosing suffering and eclipsing the good. I had to stop running after intrigue; and to practices Put my energies into good rather than destruction.
However it is important to acknowledge that it is a process that required a balance of accepting that it takes time to heal yet taking full responsibility and employing my will to heal.
Yes,I still slip and have thoughts of revenge, wishing he and his girlfriend will suffer. Sometimes I lapse and drive by where she lives or look for his car. But I am getting better about controlling myself and redirecting my attention to constructive, happy, healthy, holy thoughts.
I’m just not ready to do the Metta prayer for them completely. I think about it though.
@DBM, your words are clever. We need to discipline ourselves to be responsible with our own well being. No contact is discipline, waking up everyday and trying to do the best of the day is discipline, cutting the strings that keep us obsessing with them is discipline. Taking the decision to walk far far away from the fairy Dante land of the sociopath will be the best gift of love that we will give to ourselves!
hmmm,her post is interesting…my x,after he went through his divorce from x number 2,moved into her home,she put his name on the title….I thought they had settled that 4 years ago…than suddenly,shorty before he moved out…he had more paper work for the foreclosure of her home and he told me “I told you about this” No,he didn’t…he told me about it 4 years ago…He has a lot of resources, friend who is an attny. that helps him out a lot. hmmm. I have never owned a home,let alone a home with someone else than added them to the title…interesting. I wonder if,he was getting slapped with the same thing,DBM speaks of. He acted all MONEY PANICKED when he was bailing,even made an odd statement that his son needed an mri,yet he had new court papers about his x’s home that he had his name on the title. hmmmm
I don t know how its possible to forgive something that I believe is inherently evil , I don t , I m sorry I just can t do it
😦
Nick
Why are you jealous? Because he was a using, selfish jerk and relationships should be for the decent people. But don’t worry, he will jack it up. Made me angry just reading what he did. Proud of you for looking to your higher self.
DBM and Pos,
I feel ill even reading your 2 posts here . Its just so utterly wrong that they can just take what they want with impunity and get away with it . I am so sad for you both . None of us can put right the terrible wrongs that have been done to each one of us , I suppose all we can do is offer each other words of support which hopefully will make some sort of difference in each others lives .I am really grateful for everyone who has actually been bothered enough to give me little bits of advice or words of encouragement to keep going .
Thanks again everyone ,
Regards
Nick
Hey Nick;
I love my family and my kids very much but they just do not understand what has happened to me as a result of this relationship. I have friends I have known for 20 years, and they do not understand either.
I find understanding, compassion and even hope by reading what you all have to say because YOU have (unfortunately) shared the same experiences. This situation reminds me of anytime you deal with loss. People have a tendency to want to sympathize / empathize with you and your situation to the point of even saying “I know how you feel”. But unless you have been exploited by a SP, well meaning friends and family don’t know how I feel.
That is how I found this blog and why I keep coming back. It hurts, I cry, I shake, have nightmares and can’t eat at times, but I feel like I am beginning to understand all of this and I am one of those people who have to understand before I can act.
I thank Pos for creating this blog and I personally think that for those of us who have found this blog it is a way out of the cloud of confusion and anguish we all have been in.
Celeste =)
Thank you Celeste, its good to have you here 🙂 When you say that you have nightmares Celeste, have you looked at PTSD, as this can cause nightmares, insomnia, flashbacks to what happened. Intrusive thoughts etc…. and there is treatment for this. Sending you a hug x
Do you know oddly, the money that he took, was returned to me (albeit in another way) later down the line. BUT it is the worst feeling, I had money stolen, material possessions stolen. I ended up starving with no money for food 😦 I had nothing at all. I lost everything.
But…. the knowledge and wisdom that I gained gave me this blog…. and while it doesn’t bring financial rewards, it does bring beautiful people…. which is perhaps not too bad a deal. THank you for your thoughts.
@ Positiva,
Good update and reminder. You know that is always the end result in recovery.. Luckily I am seeing through it all very clearly now.. I have learned so much. And I want everyone to know that as awful as it is, this happened to us for a reason. That reason is to lift us up and away with knowledge of this world we were not aware of before. To wake us up and move us to higher ground with this new found understanding of people in the world around us. To teach us self-love again and hopefully draw in those who will love us, not the opposite and should that ever happen, we will have the wisdom to disconnect, hit the delete switch and be done much sooner if at all. The funny thing is, as a result of my repeated hardcore mind game abuse and being a target quite a few times, I had a few experiences recently, were I felt as though I developed radar for vulnerable “sweet nice” people and tried to imagine what a predator sees when they size them up. And it could be nothing more than resentment and hate filled with an agenda to walk all over those sweet wonderful empathetic beings.. It hurts to even be capable of shifting my mind into being in a Sociopaths shoes, it’s an awful, empty dark place, that really gives me the creeps and makes me somewhat fearful of what other people can do just trying to imagine preying on, telling lies and deceiving someone, what a waste of time. Although they are smart at their game, in reality they are self-defeating and plain stupid. But, all I can tell myself is be glad for this new found ability to understand and imagine, but use it to navigate, still keep my good parts intact, but, always be on the alert to shield myself and have a no tolerance approach with these entities. It breaks my heart to even have the ability to get into their mindset, know their deepest motivations and have an understanding of just how good they are at reading people, it’s amazing, I observed my P-half brother recently, the things he says about people, I tuned into him, and if I have to be around him for any reason, everything he does now has given me a heightened sense of disgust, yet fascination to study every movement, word, action, remark, sentence, intention – you name it, I am studying him deeper than what he did to me and others now, because of what I know, I have developed a powerful tool from this abuse, sometimes it’s actually hilarious listening to what he says about someone (a complete stranger) we are talking about, because he says things I would have never recognized or thought of so quickly upon looking at a total stranger they truly do have radar to see through people, I am learning from him now it’s really bizarre, since I have tuned in and decided to be extra sensitive and perceptive of his words and intentions, it’s truly fascinating to turn your thinking into a study and become tuned into every little thing they do as suspect, because you begin to notice a newfound world of information that you did not see before and it actually becomes a bit amusing – few times I found myself laughing in complete amazement, he did not know why of course as I was deeply tuning in, watching and studying him with an open mind and heart, using my internal radar to tap in and watch him like a predator, but temporarily of course, because ultimately their empty predatory entertainment, can get stale, but I have learned to use it as a tool of study to keep me ahead of his game, but get away and limit contact as much as possible, soon, I will see to it that there will be permanent no contact and I can’t wait, understanding and knowing clearly what makes them tick is just plain nasty and evil.. I know all too well about the financial trap from experience, heard all the promises and witnessed the acts and gestures, so this article was a blessing to read. Can’t thank you enough. As for the one I thought I loved the ex-bf, still maintaining the NO CONTACT rule and it’s going good, feeling stronger day by day. I have moments of reflection, but it’s only for my growth and never to return. I have two others I am maintaining distance with, and somehow the blow from the one I cared for, has given me the ability to have no empathy or emotion for the others, so the way I see it, this experience is working to my benefit to making me a stronger, wiser and better person. For those of you recovering from relationship abuse, look at the experience as knowledge to help you one day recognize who is the right person for you, there is a plan for you and if you only knew the truth about why what you wanted was so bad for you, your head would go for a spin worse than it already has, you don’t need anymore signs, it’s all right there before you, you are in pain and confusion for a reason, let it be your compass to get up, out and removed on to better and higher ground. Best wishes to all of you in your recovery. I refuse to ever become a victim of this sort of thing ever again!
Thank you Sunshine. 🙂
I believe this too sunshine 🙂 There are no mistakes in life 🙂 … only lessons and opportunity for growth.
Thank you sunshine for your insight and observations– the odacity of Spaths is so mind blowing & irritating- and ridic! It’s like you have to laugh AND cry?! And yell… Most importantly, forgive yourself.
EL
My ex spath didn’t manage to ruin me financially, I think it is just because I am such sort of person generally I guess … If I sense that my existence is threaten by it, I will not go over some limits…. even if I would ‘lose’ his ‘love’ (now we all know that love is sociopath’s nonexistent product that he is selling, but I didn’t know that in that time) Now when I think about it, he DID try … in the beginning he told me how I could sell my flat blah blah blah …. If I had done it, now I would be without roof over my head… It is really terrifying when I look back and realize that he PLANNED to ruin me beside emotionally, but financially too. Sociopaths really do have all those sins that are numbered in Bible. They seem like materialization of evil in human form. But in the end, he didn’t manage to ruin me emotionally either as we DO recover 🙂 largely thank to datingsociopath.com – site for healing and recovery (emotional and financial) 🙂
Hi Pos 🙂
Great post as we’ve come to expect 🙂
My Soc never took money & paid for lunches & the occasional dinners etc…but, then I am not impressed by wealth so, never expected
or asked him for any.
I am very independent & never wanted to be dependant or beholding to him, he found this insulting sometimes or did he?
He was always bragging about what he had, a beachside home that he never took me too & a huge superannuation package over $1 million apparently?
When I met him, his ex (never divorced) was suing him for half of his wealth & he told me he settled with her for just under a million.
Once she got her hands on it, she went overseas with a Toyboy to rub his nose in it (yay)…I was always secretly impressed by that 🙂
I had been jilted by a philanderer so, I empathised with his ex 🙂
He took me to his old house, it was a mansion on a big property which he later sold.
He always said he had to work so hard to cover his debt’s, two properties & a factory he owned.
I am not sure how much he was mortgaged but, I suspect it was more than he let on?
He was always very bitter that his ex took his money so, he is now firmly ensconced with the latest OW who is loaded. Her family is extremely wealthy so, that is why he targeted her.
I was apparently a source for the obvious & my brain, not to mention my sunny disposition 😉 LOL
He loved my humour but, I was poor 🙂
He did however talk me into financial commitments that I regret now but, alas I mad the decision as I thought he had business acumen but, now I’m not so sure 😦
One things for sure, the new OW is a ‘cash cow’ & she asked me if I’d loaned him any money. I told her I hadn’t but, knew that she had!
He was obsessed with money & always spoke about it & what he had coming.
A joke for you :-
Q.How do you recognise a Sociopath?
A.Talk money & if they start dribbling or crying, have the tissues handy as they are either going too cry poor or, they start salivating at the thought of your money! 😉
I always have a box of those special tissues, you know the ones for BS!….I think Kleenex makes them specially.
Oh look, is that something on the side of your mouth?
Let me wipe that for you.
Oops sorry it’s just a little BS :;)
LOL 😉
Love & Light & keep that light shining on us 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S.
Funnily enough, my ex husband told me tonight, he never cheated on me whilst we were married? He admitted he was woeful with gambling but, never betrayed me. He actually told me, I would have no problem meeting someone & I deserved one good guy & to get out there! ….still reeling….:)
I told him, a good one would be nice & I deserved at least one!
I am not religious but, Amen or is that Argh Men!!! 😉
Hahaha…. love the joke…. and so true as well…. what is it about them with money? I am like you, I don’t have value on money anyway it doesn’t bother me. I could live on beans on toast every day (actually…)…. if I have it you can have it, if I don’t I don’t.
Huh…. why do exes tell you that you ‘deserve’ to be with a good guy…. watch out for that, as if he is a socio – that is a common reel you back in line.
Awww Pos, don’t worry, that ship sailed 10 years ago (thankgod!)
Yes, money,money,money must be funny in a rich man’s world!
I like beans on toast anytime & throw in a bottle of vino & a candle & bridget jones dvd & youv’e got yourself a date with me. Cheap & cheerful :-)…, cheap in a monetary way that is 😉 xxx
PR xoxo
Okay, this I just don’t understand, maybe because I have always had money? Until recently, and even now if I really really needed something which I don’t, my dad is available. I make enough to support myself. When I first met NS, I had VAST AMOUNTS OF MONEY, he wiped me out. I helped him get on his feet, made him presentable to real society, (hoodlum), he makes almost 3xs as I do now. He has the nerve to think I want to rob him? Lol. What a idiot! No that is what he did to me, I just would like him to pay me back what he owes me and pay me the proper amount of child support. It’s like the are so engrossed with the whole $ money thing, if he would of just paid the bill or rather paid me off years ago, all this wouldn’t have so much interest. I am not even being greedy. I seriously am just presenting facts. It’s quite sad. This deadly sin greed will get him.
Pos,my spath,would randomnly say…”you hate me” I knew when he said that,a move out was coming. Y do they,out of the blue,say something like that? Last time he said that,I said “you hate yourself,leave me out of it” he left the next day. Its like he was shameful or guilty of something. “You hate me” wtf is that? and at random
Yeah my situation was similar. I didn’t have money to offer them, so I think it was for company, sense of humor, and the physical. In an odd way I think these types of relationships are probably the most “honest” relationships spaths are capable of having. Granted they also might be the shortest (not a bad thing). I think when there is a less sustainable amount of supply they’re actually more truthful. However, you also get treated like crap and go through the entire cycle much faster. The one thing I see whether the relationship was long or short, they still all follow the same pattern, only some phases are accelerated based on how long the supply will last.
Hi MrKnight75 🙂
Yes,your so right re the patterning & I was trapped for 10 years with the ‘demon’….I posted recently that the 7 deadly sins was my guy to a tee.
I am well into my acceptance stage now & soldiering on 🙂
My ex-husband took us to the cleaners so, when I met the Soc due to ‘bad timing’, he thought I had more.
He came & went initially as I obviously wasn’t wealthy as the facade of my life fell down like a pack of cards.
I wasn’t into him at all but, he came to enjoy my company & liked to show me off.
I actually made him laugh, & he said I laughed like Eddie Murphy but, I told him, “at least I don’t laugh like Dick Dastardly’s dog Muttley”..LOL & that shut him up 😉
I know that he used me for sex but, it was more than that as he kept coming back regardless of that supply & he used me for my brain as I completed his Advanced Diploma in Business Management without attending a single class etc…so, he could keep his Commander ranking in the Fire brigade
The OW (I met her) said, I was the smart one!?!? She’s a Dr of Sociology here at a major University & lectures etc…on Human Behavior & has $$$…Oh & they are engaged or married (who cares).
I never lived with him so, just assumed his 2 jobs & all his rushing about with two phones etc…kept him busy.
I had no idea he was busy running between an assortment of ladies!
No wonder he was exhausted & always snoring on my couch!
Anyways, this licorice allsort is well out of his type of ‘crazy’….the OW’s head must be spinning like a top right now, poor love 😦
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Yes it’s funny. I think they genuinely like a smart target, but intelligence is not always a prerequisite for wealth. My OW is allegedly a dual MBA from a top business school in Paris. He married her after three months. He then left a good job and the beautiful beaches here in Florida to foot the bill for her Clinical Science Masters at a very mediocre school in Alabama and start his own business. Yes, a very common tale lol. Ironically I have a degree in Finance, so I think that always played to my advantage. I think she knew I knew more about the area than she did and couldn’t exploit me.
MrKnight…I dated an N/SPATH in nyc. Used to fly to NYC in mid 08-june of 09. This guy was used to dating the wealthiest of women. Im talking,old money,his x is friends with Martha Stewart and she did her wedding type of money. I was the 1st woman he had ever dated,that lived on a nurses salary,and that wasn’t much,compared to what he was used to dating. I once asked him “isn’t this different for you,I cant fly you to exotic vacations a few times a year,you aren’t having dinner at M Stewarts house every other weekend,my father’s artifacts are not in Nat. Geo.Magazine,this has got to be different for you” he replyed “it’s more real”
Very Interesting bobbie jean! Thanks for sharing. My ex did mention things like that too. Again it’s hard to decipher what was false and what was true. I still felt like I was being a positive influence in their life.
Based on what I’ve read with others I wasn’t exploited nearly as bad. I actually felt as if I did see improvement in her. Granted it was always an uphill battle, but I genuinely think I was starting to breakdown some walls. Again, perhaps it was a form of gaslighting, she did get married inside of 5 months after we split lol. She was never directly mean or abusive, but maybe in her head she knew I was always just quick “fun” before she was on to her next big target. So I think knowing she had nothing to lose with me it allowed her to be more candid and gaslight less. If I broke up with her it was no major loss.
Mines wanted the sex from me for the most. He would give me money without me asking for it. Anywhere from 100 dollars or 60 dollars a couple of times. He later was saying he needs more money and once ask do you have a grand in a joking manner. I said in your dreams. Looking back, he probably meant it but realize I wasn’t giving. Now, he’s lost his house and living elsewhere. So, once the sex wasn’t enough, he left to be with someone who appears to have money.
My ex Soc tried to sap me dry financially. He succeeded the first time and left the second time once he realised i was not going to be conned financially again.
If i think about it, money was part of it right from the beginning. He very quickly tapped into that I was uncomfortable him paying for things. As the relationship built (very quickly) he would say things like: “I know how independent you are” or “that’s $x is your share, you can pay me later as i know you hate me paying for you.” If i forgot my purse, he would “tease”me of trying to get him to pay for me – knowing it would upset me. For a long time I would get all defensive about it and automatically pay him at the next possible opportunity. But then i realised there were many times where i would pay for dinner or something and he would not pay me back. I then realised that him teasing me was not teasing… he was the one that was a tight arse and teased me to make sure that i paid him back. He was very aware of it.
When things first hotted up (which i now think was when he had figured out how to hook me in and stopped dating the other women and just focused on me) we had been going out for about 5 weeks. We went away camping. I remember him out of the blue telling me how much he earned… it was a package of $300k. For some reason it was a red flag for me. I think it was more the way he brought it up and the converstation that followed… I think that he wanted to know how much i earned. When i told him it seemed to fit with what he wanted. I left my job about a month later as i was very unhappy there. I had some savings and needed some time out as i had not had a break in a VERY long time. Just after that, I moved into his apartment – we had only been going out for 4 months. I paid to move in. We got a joint bank account. I paid half the rent and half the bills. I became very handy for him as I was doing all the house work and all the shopping and cooking and taking care of all those little things. 2 things i noticed, Money from the joint account would disappear – just little bits – his lunch he would say, or breakfast cereal. So i never really paid much attention to it. The other was that we woudl use the joint account for buying alcohol. He drank a lot! so would I but for every 2 weeks of the month i wouldn’t drink at all. as we were trying to get pregnant, yet i would still pay half. This would be fine, but he still would always want my share for everything else or if i would borrow money when we were out to lunch or something like that, i HAD to pay him back.
We bought a million dollar house. At the last minute, i decided not to go in on it because we had only been together 9 months, i was still having trouble getting a job and also because my red flags were running rampant at this stage. He was controlling me and had chipped away at my confidence. Although i had been looking for a job for 2 months, the market was bad and i couldnt get one. I was still paying half of everything including a holiday that i really couldn’t afford. We moved into the new house – i payed half the moving fees, including the breaking the lease and cleaning fees of the old apartment which was originally his. Suddenly i was cleaning a 5 bedroom mansion, cooking everynight, being there for the repair people for all those little things that needed fixing in a new house (such as the pool and air conditioning) PLUS he demanded i pay 1500 a month in rent. I still didn’t have a job!!!!! ANd i was not getting paid to be his frigging house maid! But i did it because to do otherwise meant that I was like the ex wife and bludging off him. OMG what an arsehole.
So finally i ran out of money. So he kicked me out. No job, no money, no family or friends as most of them had moved away in the past few months prior to break up. The week after he dumped me I got a new job paying an extra 80k than my last job. It didn’t take him long to come back. But when i moved back in i refused to pay more than 1200 as i now had to pay 200 in tolls a month to get to my job. He accepted this better than I thought, but now i realise it was because he was keeping his eye on the bigger prize… over the months that i moved back in, we woudl constantly go to the gardening shop and he would make me feel bad as i would not put in. I wouldnt’ put in mainly because i couldnt afford it and after all, it wasn’t my house or garden. We went on the IVF and he offered to pay half (how kind) he gave me $1000 for the first one it was around $3000 then he made some comment about me putting in for the gardening as he had for the IVF… He compared our potential child to the gardening. I still refused. I was also getting antsy about paying for the alcohol that i wasnt’ drinking. I told him i didn’t think that it was fair. One day, we were standing in the kitchen and he says to me ” when are you going to start putting more money in the house” we had talked about that in the past that i would put more money in the house so that it would be my house too. i replied “when i go on the deed”. The look on his face was a screaming red flag for me. He was like “why would you go on the deed” “it will cost too much in taxes” “there is no need for that” but i told him that i was not putting anything extra in till i went on the deed. He said “you would have to put a big lump sum in then” i replied “that is what i am saving up for so that i can” I think it should take me a year and i will be able to do so. him:”you don’t have any say in the gardening and renovations then” Me “i already don’t so what is the difference – I won’t be putting any extra money in till i go on the deed. I would be stupid if i did otherwise” He brought it up a few other times but i think that he realised that i wasn’t going to budge on that one. I now believe that was the beginning of the end. He never gave me money for the second IVF, nor gave me any more for he first. He kept buying a heap of alcohol that i couldn’t drink but had to pay him half of.
6 weeks later was final discard. When we broke up I made a comment that thank goodness i didn’t put much money into the garden. His reply? “If you had maybe we wouldn’t have broken up”. I think that comment was made to pave the way if we ever got back together, he would then be able to manipulate more money out of me.
You know, even as i write this I feel bad. I feel that maybe it was me that was wrong with the money. But i didn’t have any assets and wanted to save up for my future so that i had some assets as well, so that i could keep some semblance of independence. He had already shown me that he was not reliable and that I needed to have my own money. Yet i still felt terrible about it. A tiny part of me still felt that maybe if i had put the money in that we would still be together. But he gave me no support No help financially when i needed it. THat was not the actions of a man in a relationship. If it had been the other way i would have paid for everything with him, but to him, it made no difference that i had no money or job, i still had to pay my half of everything. The life style we were living meant that i didn’t have any savings for long. Plus i did all the house work etc
Remember in all this – this man made a lot of money. I think he was also making shady deals in his job where he was getting pay backs on the side. as he always had a shit load of cash despite paying child support and a huge mortgage. I was just starting out as I had put myself through university later in life (paid upfront) and had to start from scratch then. I then had to start from scratch as i ran out of money the first time we broke up and i then had to pay to move out AGAIN.
I am sorry to go into such detail. I am currently having a hard time. so it is cathartic for me to write this out. I was dong so well in my healing and i still am i know but i have had a trigger which has brought back the pain of the break up. I have been going deeply into my family of origin wounds with my counselor, which has brought up a lot of pain. I am also doing my last frozen transfer with his embryo’s this month and i am petrified that i am never going to have a child as i am now 42 and my period is changing. I am scared of having a child because i will have no support at all. I have finally started looking for a job after 2 and a half months of being unemployed and i am scared – scared i won’t get one, scared I wont be able to do it. I have almost no support and feel really alone. And because of all this, i am suddenly missing our relationship. I miss support. I know that he didnt give me support but at least i didnt feel alone. At least i thought someone loved me. at least i thought that having my child was going to have a family and security. I am not wishing him back because i know what he is. I don’t want him in my life. But i hurt because i miss the feeling that i wasn’t alone, that i had someone who loved me and a future. im scared to get my life started again. I feel paralyzed with fear. I have to get started in the real world again. NOw is the time… i am just scared. And alone.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for your stories. I have come a long way and only last week I realised how much i had moved past him and that i have grown massively because of all that i have learnt from this experience. I am really focusing on healing my family of origin wounds. Of becoming that person i know that i can be and that is someone who harnesses their empathy and strong emotions and uses them to become a better more loving person. TO do this, it really does start with loving yourself first and then that love flows from you. I have started to feel that sometimes. My family of origin wounds are what holds me back. But suddenly i am faced with so many MASSIVE things (job hunting, child/no child, dealing with Origin Wounds) and i miss him. But i know it is not him i miss but the support and perceived love and the pretend future that he painted so beautifully.
I know that i will get passed this slight set back and come out stronger but right now i am sad. and hurt.
Peace xx
IID,
Your story is so much like mine, except I decided against the IVF. I was your age and decided that if God and Mother Nature wanted me to have a child with him, they would provide.
Now that I am flat broke, without a job, unable to find one, I am so thankful that I do not have a child in the mix. I wouldn’t want my SP to parent any child of mine and that child would be an unavoidable attachment to the SP that he would use to continue to try and get what he can out of me.
I fully realize that I can never be with him, but like you, I fear that all it would take is one smile, a gentle touch, or the coup de gras.. an apology (of course that would be a fake apology) and I would be trapped again. I do miss the man I fell in love with, but that man does not exist. He never did. That is what makes it so very hard; I have real feelings for someone that was never real.
So hang in there and be strong. He doesn’t deserve you and has no right to control your emotions with his lies.
Celeste
@celeste
I am sorry your sad. It took me several several years to realize the man I feel in love with was pretend, (I think maybe a year ago), what’s worse I would tell people, “he wasn’t like this when I met him”. They would just give me this look like “Okay, crazy lady”. Now when people go “Oh god THAT’S your ex” I just come back with “Yep, he let himself go after he left me”. I am not responsible for that dung heap! But it does make me very sad, I intended whole heartedly to spend the rest of my life with a fictitious character who’s true nature is no better than something I would scrap off my shoes in disgust.
NIBSIH.
Hi NIBSIH;
I can do sad. I can do mad. I can handle all of the emotions that go with a normal break up. But this is different because it goes beyond the realm of normal into a place that I have a hard time comprehending.
That is my problem more than anything. I am a linear thinker for the most part. Things have to be organized and methodical; black and white. Things have to make sense. Like physics – everything action has an equal and opposite reaction. Except this doesn’t. My action was to love and trust unconditionally. The reaction was for him to lie, cheat, steal, leave me penniless and then tell me he feels responsible for me. It defies logic. So the organized, logical, linear thinker that I am is mired in confusion – and confusion just isn’t my thing.
Then throw love in on top of it and my mind is absolutely working overtime trying to figure this all out. Maybe if I could come up with a formula…… nah…. he would just try to steal that too! LOL
Thanks for the support!
Celeste =)
That’s the story of all of us. Don’t try to make something logical from something that is mad, illogical and hellish.
@NMI
Omg! Your comment is awesome! I can’t help it! I do over over analyze the crap out of everything! Your right, you can’t take crazy and make sense of it! No matter what, it’s still crazy! Lol!
NIBSIH 😍
There was a time when Pinnochio was at my side that I doubt everything I do and everything I said. I was always afraid of his reaction, I was always afraid of another episode of judging and blaming. I look to the floor so he can’t say that I was flirting with any passerby, on the restaurants I look for the seat that face the wall to avoid anotber jealousy episode, if he “senses” something different in my voice I send him immediately a photo of the place where I was to try to calm his imagination I even kept the receipts of the place I visit to prove my case against my personal accuser and my personal judge…I thought something was wrong with me. At last I can see that what was wrong was he in my life. No more Insanity!!!!
NMI 🙂 🙂
Yes, I got all of that re the jealousy & god help me if he saw me talking to another man 😦
If another man looked at me, he would blame me like I had control of it?
We are free of that ridiculousness, they really are the lowest of the low but, we are the highest of the high 🙂
Love PR xoxo
The NS – never had jealous issues, boyfriend does a little, (we both had rough prior relationships, but we talk about it, so it get works out). Why would NS be jealous? He knew I wasn’t jealous? If you don’t want me hit the door. Which is exactly what happen when I found out he was cheating.
NIBSIH.
Hi Lost2camelot,
Remember all the old adages 🙂
‘Love is blind’, ‘You’ve got to take the good with the bad’ Oh & ‘opposites attract’……boy do they ever!
Also remember that if you give out negative energy, it comes back to you & vice versa….rest assured the negativity the sociopath creates comes back to them & they will suffer one way or another!
I have seen this in action & I know it to be true so, you stay on the healing path & recover, your reward will be your own power, peace & wisdom 🙂
The Sociopath however will stay on the path to ruination & will never know the true power of love that you do 🙂
The havoc they create for you, they create for others & themselves so, leave them to their own devices & deviance.
No good will ever come to them or from them.
Keep going & don’t doubt that better days are ahead for you 🙂
Remember, without our light, they are shadows, mere shadows!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@Celeste
I understand, it’s part of how “they get you”. Confusion and chaos etc. I like lists, plans, “normalish” type stuff, no the NS, could never go for this. Which is why I picked my handle, he would say “Normal is boring”, I would say “so I heard”. I believe it’s because his parents were drug addicts, so schedules and structure are not a part of his life. Also if NS has you in a state of confusion, you don’t know what they are really doing. Even now, NS tries to jack up our court order, I am like – nope follow the judgement, your attorney wrote it! Sorry, (umm not really).
NIBSIH!
Ditto NIBSIH,
We fell for the illusion & the reality is a far cry from that.
Argh! The destruction they cause is disgusting but, knowing that we are not alone is the one good thing too come out of it 🙂
So glad I found all of you & I truly do wish you all strength & love.
For the ladies 🙂
Love PR xoxo
I think once the initial “shock” wears off, then you can heal. I was out of love with him a long time ago, but to realize our whole relationship was a waste of my life, was another. But it’s weird? It gave me the ability to get over being angry and forgive him, how can you be upset with some one who doesn’t exist? And this NS, doesn’t have any power or control over my feelings or who I am, he doesn’t know me nor I him. I am convinced a demonic spirit is at work, which is why I avoid him at all costs. I pray over my children daily for their safety.
I am not being gender bias, I know this happens to men as well, you think you found this totally perfect women, and you have visions of your life old in rocking chairs with this persons. Only to be told, I never loved you, oh and move out. It’s crushing. My dad told me and I have written this before because I was soo embarrassed about feeling conned by this NS, “Honey, I would of thought something was wrong with you if you didn’t marry with the intent of it lasting forever”. So from this day on, I never felt bad about my marriage, I was not faulty. I did the best I could. What more could anyone ask for?
NIBSIH! 😊
Hi NIBSIH 🙂
You did do your best, i believe that.
Unfortunately you married a NS so, never really stood a chance 😦
No one here volunteers for a relationship with these fools & no one deserves the crap they carry on with either.
The time wasted gets up my nose also as, we could have done something better than be targets for the shadow people!
Once the shock wears off & you finally get it & get over the anger etc…reach acceptance & really see them for the pathetic excuses they are for human beings well, that’s when you forgive them. I forgive myself as I never loved myself enough to see that his type was abusive. I allowed the creep into mine & my families lives & i forgive myself for not walking away sooner.
You are amazing Nibsih having to deal with him on any level. & you should be proud of yourself for seeing the truth of him.
Your Dad sounds like a great guy 🙂
Love PR xxx
@PR
Oh your so kind, the 25 yoa me, was arrogant, conceited, hopelessly romantic, OMG, and he knew I wanted the “Fairey Tale”. Well lol, there is no such thing. There is no “perfect partner”. In fact, perfect is staying with the other person when you KNOW they ARE MOST DEFINITELY NOT PERFECT! Not leaving because it’s too hard, or not acceptable for you. I’ve been with boyfriend (yeah he’s not perfect either) almost longer than marriage to NS, it’s not all great, but who doesn’t have ups and downs? It’s the infidelity and the mind games, which are absent. Thank god
NIBSIH.
NIBSIH, like Forest Gump said, ‘Life’s a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get til you bite into one!’
So in regard to NS, run forest run!
Lol, i did all that with a southern accent 😉
Just remembet, we are here for a good time, not a long time so, make the most of it & be happy 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
Lol southern accent? And your from Australia? I would seriously like to have heard that! Lol. I have to try to be happy which is bad, I have a lot of stress, (type A personality). I never was like this before NS, It’s slowly coming back. I been peeking into that Louise Hays book, I see a lot of my issues right there. NS just made them worse.
@PR
You know what is really funny, I always used to stick my finger in the back of the “unknown” chocolates. If they where the nasty ones, I would just throw them away, now I don’t even bother.
NIBSIH 😘
NINSIH,
I only eat my favorite Lindt chocolate 🙂
That way I know exactly what I’m getting 🙂
Soc used to give me Ferro Rocher, even though he knew they weren’t my fave.
Guess that says a lot there really, he was a not encrusted ball with a hard nut centre! Lol
Remind me never to take a choccy from you if youv’e stuck your finger in them! Lol, i will however share my Lindt balls with you 😉
PR xoxo
@PR
Lol, no I only eat the ones I KNOW I like, the “MYSTERY” ones stay in the box. Lol. And that’s nasty if I touched it, it didn’t stick it back in the box for someone else, lol eeww. But funny. I do like the Lindt balls, those are yummy, I am very particular about chocolate, it’s not my fav candy so it has to be very good.
My computer is so messed up, I reset it, and I can’t do the up grade I have the charcoal screen of death with the apple and the swirly just staring at me. Ugh, to the Apple store I go, so some 20 year kid can fix it in 10 mins, and snub me, yes I already called apple care. 90 mins later I have this.
@PR
Of course, 😡 now that I publicly whine, it fricken works! I am going to find something to do!!
NIBSIH. 👅
Lol, you know we often think we have been dating/married to the same Soc but, likewise when we talk about ourselves.
I feel as if I’m talking to myself as we sound similar 😉
Lindt choc anyone?
We may have shocking taste in partners but, we have great taste in each other 😉
Technology is great, til it gets spathy like,crazy soc doing weird stuff that we don’t understand!
Oh that’s right, they are machines! 😉 not people! Lol x
I love lindt chocolate too!! My favourite. Yum 🙂
Pos, i could have guessed you like lindt 🙂
When I go ‘over the rainbow’ I want my ashes scattered on the Lindt factory or Moet or some equally quaffable champagne ( only the finest thankyou)
Did you see my message elsewhere?
OMG…..;)
Love & Light & Lindt Choc & champers.
PR xoxo
Your message elsewhere? .. my first job was in a chocolate factory age 15 they made lindt chocolate 🙂 we could eat as much as we wanted… Imagine that for a 15 year old!!
Hi Pos 🙂
I am glad I didn’t work at the Lindt factory or I would’ve been a giant lindt ball 😉
I sent you a message on another form of communication (hint, hint…)
PR xoxo
Ah ok, sorry I hadn’t logged on there yet, I will take a look. Just need to go through pending comments. No idea why comments are not going through. This one didn’t either.
Hi, I had to log my email & ‘handle’ which I don’t usually have to do, when I tried to post a reply?
It happened ages ago so, probably something from wordpress?
Yes having so many problems with wordpress and comments not showing I just had to go through 167 comments that were in pending 😦 😦 ….
Yes, for some reason the link for the reply to the person is failing so, we have to put @ etc…seems to only happen on the My Story post?
Lindt is good, but I like See’s Candy. Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory makes frozen chocolate chip cookie dough dipped in chocolate. On a stick. Talk about decadent! =)
“Evil is perpetuated by people who are absolutely certain of what they are doing. Evil people are ‘the people of the lie,’ deceiving others as they also build layer upon layer of self-deception. While evil people are still to be feared, they are also to be pitied. Forever fleeing the light of self-exposure and the voice of their conscience, they are the most frightened of human beings. They need not be consigned to any hell; they are already in in”.
Dr. M. Scott Peck
-People of the Lie
That’s powerful Mr Knight! I naturally bounce between fearing & pity for him. He did in actuality seem more frightened– I sometimes got a glimpse of the little boy who just couldn’t get out of his own way–sabatoge following the more intimate, real & expressions of love, care & sincere interest — almost immediately. Ultimately, I got warnings through prayer for a month leading up to what would be our last date–and the image I received in prayer the night before– happened the next night on our date– I’m convinced that God protected me, it was Him not me– I said & did what could only be Holy Spirit truly– obedience & faithful kept it real– that is why I hit such an emotional bottom– he had been using my faith, agreed with my values & then npushed the limits with no feeling, consideration or connection–he became aggressive–I pushed back in spirit & truth–having no idea what I was doing– i requested he pray w me before he dropped me off at end of date- in the midst i got the predator stare– i think he was totally oblivious to it– clearly he has a door open somewhere and darkness walks in and out–i woke up the next day & had revelation that I needed to break it off & go NC asap–it was clear as as a bell– though i had no idea just how supernatural & that for all intensive purposes It IS spiritual battle!! his behavior amped up– I stayed NC went into crazy withdrawls– knew it had to be darkness by then– and soon after stumbled on this site! You are spot on & that gives me such comfort– that I’m not alone in my conclusion or experience– grateful that I have faith and a loving & forgiving Father in Heaven watching over me 😉 EL
I’m so glad you have found solace in those words. They really spoke to me as well. I can’t take the credit! Dr. Peck is an amazing writer he wrote the very famous “The Road Less Traveled as well.
That quote is from a wonderful book NIBSIH turned me on to called “People of the Lie”. One of the best most objective books I’ve ever read. It takes a great approach at psychology as well as spirituality. I personally believe there are spiritual implications dealing with spaths (and I’ve clearly expressed them if you read down through the comments lol). I would highly recommend the book to anyone especially the chapter on Charlene. 🙂
Mr K 🙂
The Sociopath comes into our lives for a reason & that is something that we have to figure out individually.
Mine taught me to look at my whole life & the dysfunction that I have grown up with into adulthood etc…I finally realised that I accepted the unacceptable as it was all I ever knew. From child abuse to abusive male relationships etc..that has been my journey & it will never again be perpetrated upon me.
I have also learnt that when someone does something negative towards us, it says more about them them than us.
If someone hurts me deliberately, I step back & think, where is that coming from. Are they in pain? I do not take it personally & I defend myself if need be but, I do not take on their ‘stuff’.
I continue to rise & walk in the light & I am grateful for this life with all it’s thorns.
I suffered great losses of great people & I am honored to respect their existence by honoring life itself 🙂
When I shuffle off this mortal coil, I will do it with dignity, love & respect but, above all else, gratefulness 🙂
Oh & I would really appreciate not having to come back again to get it right 😉
I want really cool wings & a big fluffy cloud to sit on to watch over my babies 🙂
Gosh, I better get on with those harp lessons… 🙂
‘Hark the Herald Angels Sing’….Argh Men!….I meant Amen 🙂
PR you are too much, and I love it!!! No I agree whole heartedly. (I feel like I’ve written a book today. Hope I’m not starting to sound like a know-it-all). Honestly I can’t help but feel empowered. I don’t want to brag, because I know so many here have been deeply hurt and literally forced to start over financially. Like we’ve all alluded to it’s a high price to pay for wisdom.
Having said that, it’s so liberating once you finally find yourself. Once you realize that only you can make yourself “whole”. That two people can come together to form something greater, but also that another person will never complete us as an individual IMO.
I feel smarter and sharper with all my senses heightened. I truly feel like I’ve been remade.
Save me a seat in the clouds ;p
Also I know we’ve been talking a lot about “demons” and a potential spiritual connection to these creatures.
Something I always remembered was when I would sneeze she would never say “bless you” (common here in the US); Not once! I even called her on it. She would always say “gazoontite” and she wasn’t from Germany! It translates to “good health”, but clearly doesn’t have any religious connotation to it. Trivial I know, but I thought it might strengthen the case for them being “supernatural”. Anyone have any other similar experiences?
Remembering back over my relationship with the ex, he never, EVER, once said the words, “I am sorry”, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings” “Bless you”, or even “Gesundheit”, In fact, any physiological event like a sneeze, or even tears, brought on a sarcastic comment.
Never once a “Thank you!” I did a lot of work around his house, and even his property, cooked delicious meals (something I love to do). I filled his freezer with home baked bread for when he was alone. I spent my money on trips, hotels. I did these things without expecting anything in return, but a heartfelt “Thank you” or other words of appreciation would have been welcome.
As for being “supernatural”, he was very good at picking up on the slightest of discomfort, or sadness…. he wouldn’t ask how I was feeling, or what was going on. He would just look at me, assessing. I now know he was storing away the information to later use against me, or to torment and hurt me in some way.
I am so sorry that there are so many of us who have had these damaging relationships.
I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe that this happened for a reason and now there is some work ahead trying to figure that out.
Hi MrKnight
Hmm … saying ‘bless you’ etc afyer someone sneezes is a cultural superstition. I don’t believe it reflects religious beliefs, moral integrity, spirituality etc. If you don’t grow up saying bless you it won’t be an automatic response. I certainly don’t say it and it doesn’t mean I’m evil.
Btw I know many on this site are Christians but I’d just like to remind everyone that there are people who do not subscribe to any religion or who belong to other faiths.
I’m an atheist but that has nothing to do with the way I was treated … no, I don’t believe it was to make me realise I need god in my life. And not believing in god doesn’t make me a bad person. Just one with different ideas.
Religion is not the only thing that shapes people, gives them purpose and guides them to do good.
While I respect the beliefs and views of everyone (well maybe not neo-Nazi white supremacists), I must admit to feeling alienated when everything is boiled down to faith and some divine path.
However, we all have to find what works for us. Just so long as we are aware that we don’t all subscribe to the same thing.
Peace
OneRedFlower
Very well said OneRed,
I completely agree with you. I am also atheist. Thank you for voicing that so eloquently.
Peace xx
It’s a cultural superstition rooted with religious connotations and undertones. I’m definitely not trying to intentionally alienate anyone. I’m absolutely not attempting to forcibly coerce you to subscribe to any sort of creed. Simply trying to find answers out of a fog like everyone else.
I feel this community has created an environment where I feel comfortable enough to be candid and create an open dialogue amongst people with similar experiences. I by no means am asking anyone who feels differently to conform their views whatsoever. My experience was completely isolated, and I was curious if anyone had a similar experience. You’ve now detracted from my initial intent. If no one has had like experiences that’s perfectly fine, but I don’t know why you’re alluding to white supremacy. It’s completely irrelevant to anything I was surveying. I also have no idea how you conclude that those who have faith imply that those who do not are incapable of having constructive good lives. That was never articulated in any capacity.
I myself was heavily agnostic prior to my experiences.
Conversely, just because I don’t like something, or someone has a different perception then I hold, doesn’t discount or discredit their beliefs either.
Hi 1REd 🙂
I have no religion but,believe in a higher power 🙂
I am probably most aligned to Buddhism 🙂
I agree with you & I don’t think religion comes into it at all.
What does come is that the Sociopath seems to target good & pure hearts as they are fascinated by our ability to love & be loved.
They always want whatever they are lacking, be it monetary, emotional or material gain. They covet people as possessions only for a use & purpose.
Our vulnerability & humanness is what they rely on, that’s our perceived weakness but, I don’t think it’s a weakness at all.
It’s what separates us from being predators,plain & simple, we don’t deliberately set upon others to destroy them, the Sociopath does!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. I do believe a lot of broken people end up in churches looking for answers & support. I wonder just how many have suffered from a Sociopath attack on their sense’s & sensibility?
PR xoxo
Life after death exists. I have seen proof of this. Karma exists I have seen proof of this too. I am no religion but I am spiritual. We all are. However I am not a human living a spiritual life. I am a spirit living a human life.
Ditto & ditto re afterlife & karma 🙂
Love your work 🙂 angels are around us & your living proof 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Of course this site is a blog. It’s my blog. Therefore it reflects my own experiences and beliefs which are made up of a hardcore life. When you have a life like that you have to believe in something or you would end your life!! 🙂
Hardcore life with a softcore heart 🙂
Without you , we’d be lost & the church pews would be packed & I’m not religious at all so, I’d be rocking in a psych ward if I hadn’t found you!
You saved my sanity & my humor 😉
Love you 🙂 xoxo
Do you know I worked with homeless people for decades. Part of my work was before sign up to do a risk assessment. The question was always asked about religion. A lot said they were atheist. When asked what do you think happens when you die? 90% or more than believed in ‘something’ It was rare for someone to say nothing at all. Good luck, bad luck, etc etc I am In a lot of pain at the moment, so hard to explain what I mean. Sorry.
Dear Mr Knight
My remark about white supremacy was in direct result of *me* saying that I respect ALL view. I was just correcting myself, inserting an exception to my own rule.
As for “I also have no idea how you conclude that those who have faith imply that those who do not are incapable of having constructive good lives” … I did not say that anyone on this site made me feel this. However, it *has* been suggested to me that I need to “turn to god/religion etc” in order to be a truly good person, to “be saved”, to “achieve nirvana” etc etc.
As you say, open dialogue, and candour is something we enjoy on this fabulous site. So, my response to your comment was not mean-spirited — I was just being open and candid, and answered instinctively.
And btw, one explanation for the origin of the phrase “bless you” refers to the Medieval belief that sneezing throws your soul out of your body, making you vulnerable to possession to the devil, and thus, ‘bless you” is uttered as a safeguard. So, yes, it has religious roots, but it is also superstitious. Religious practices are so bound up with other aspects of culture that it’s hard to make the distinction between them. Extremely interesting!
Peace
OneRedFlower
I always heard ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’….have a look at the book or movie, it was a warning from above that I didn’t get until it was too late!
I would hear it in my head & he would call or turn up!
I know ‘something bigger is a foot’, & I should have stayed tuned to my instinct’s & sometimes did but, thought I was going mad 😉
I wasn’t going mad, I was with mad!
Mad & totally delusional….ha!
Mine collected Royal Doulton Lady figurines & kept them like a trophy collection all representative of the ladies he actually collects.
His main follower, (his son) collects Predator Figurines & has them in big glass cases at the Ex-wife’s house.
How’s that for loopy la la…& he is passing the torch to his awful weasel of a son whom he supports!
Like a peanut shell, two nuts for the price of one! LOL 😉
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
P.S. His favorite line too me was “you are my possession, my wife etc…”
& “promise me you will never leave me ever!”…sheesh what a loony tune ;)…..I’m the road runner ‘beep,beep’ & am getting as far away from Wiley Coyote as I can 🙂
This is his song,
Ok, I am bothered, NS has not removed the tattoo, we separated in 07. Get rid of it already!
It’s a trophy so, we should start collecting shrunken heads!
Hmm, any ideas whose we should start our collection with??? 😉
Like in the movie ‘Beetlejuice’, I love that movie LOL
Well with most trophies comes prize money, can I just get the prize money and throw the trophy in a box in the garage already? I personally think he’s thinks can get me back. It’s not going to happen!!
NIBSIH.
Just for you NIBSIH
OOPs sorry Senora NIBSIH should have been this one 😉
Gee Beetleguise looks familiar doesn’t he! 🙂
Mine would whine “Everyone leaves me, no one stays with me, you’re going to leave me too” … I believe he was buying insurance … by saying what he did, he made me think he was so vulnerable, so in need of my love that I would believe that he would leave me and never cheat on me. Of course he did — cheat and leave. What a manipulative idiot.
OneRedFlower
They say those words it’s to make sure that you don’t leave them they often say that they never cheat either and how awful it is. They love to play moral and say the absolute opposite of what they are doing or planning to do.
Ditto, they all do it & they leave before they actually arrive, always have the exit strategy before they start!
That’s their modus operandi, always is & will be…the ultimate betrayer!
Remember though that the massive Soc’s like Hitler (blew his brains out in a bunker) & Jim Jones (poisoned himself) & Charles Manson will die incarceration so, karma does get them eventually & good does triumph but, at what cost 😦
We are free & we Know & we are aware & we are validated by each other so, we are the ultimate winners 🙂
We are the Seer’s & our knowledge is ‘out there’ & spreading 🙂
PR xoxo
Dear PR, Pos and Mr Knight
I’ve been reading all the comments and am midway between grinding my teeth in consternation and shrieking with laughter.
Really, these sociopathic individuals are such JOKES. Cookie-cutter evil clowns. They’re ridiculous and stupid.
BTW, I read a book which says that pathological liars have more white matter than grey matter. White matter links grey matter and with more white matter, these people are better at making connections between memories and ideas. This is what makes them better liars, experts say. Apparently they also have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that distinguishes between right and wrong.
Mr Knight, I’m sorry if I came across as offensive. I didn’t mean to be. We’re all here to share and be supportive, and we all are. Even though I’m feeling 98% back to normal, I still visit this wonderful site because it makes me feel better, and to offer what support I can in return for the generosity shown me here in my early dark days after my MORON EX left me.
I hope you feel 100% very soon and I’m sending you the warmest, most loving vibes.
Pos, thanks again for this blog. Ever grateful.
PR, you’ve been a lifesaver, sharing with me on email when I really needed a friend who could relate.
Love and Peace to all
OneRedFlower
Backatcha 1red flower 🙂
Infinity & beyond with hugs 🙂
Stay strong bella & happy 🙂
PR xoxo
A joke from ‘Toy Story’
Woody says to buzz, look Andys’ Mum has toy’s with the same name 😉
There is a saying never discuss politics or religion 🙂 I don’t mind it as I enjoy other people’s point of view and celebrate the fact that we are all different. You are great just the way you are. And good for you for standing your view if that view is not the majority see your strong 🙂
LOL, it’s never talk sex,religion or politics 😉
I have over-shared once again but, whoopy do dah….you have to laugh as it’s the only way to be with the joker that is the Soc 🙂
PR xoxo
Laughter is key. To be honest so much is so ridiculous you have to laugh 🙂
Pos, laughter is the best medicine & you must ‘always look on the bright side’ as Monty Python says 😉
We may not all be religious or understand what we did to deserve the Soc but, I am forever thanking God for removing the malevolent little devil from my life & allowing me to ‘see’ ckearly.
Oh & when we meet in heaven, all of us here, I am the one with the luminous light above my head. Its probably not a halo though 😉 or a lightbulb 😉
More likely it’s a speech bubble that I decorated with glitter or tinsel in my hair from the party I threw to celebrate my release from the Soc.
Gee, i wonder what his epitaph will say?
‘Go to hell, you have a gold pass to the biggest inferno’ Lol
Love & light everyone,
PR xoxo
One red flower
Do you happen to recall the name of the book – regarding the brain matter and cognitive findings.
That I find very fascinating.
@One Red
I take no offensive, and I’d like to apologize also if I misdirected anything as well. I think no matter what deeper code of ethics we follow we’re all here for the same reason… healing and understanding.
Honestly, my story isn’t nearly as traumatic as half as I’ve read. It hurt like hell, but after reading this specific blog I feel as if I’ve gotten off easy.
I’m just a very inquisitive type. I explain it to my closest peers like this… I’m no longer obsessed with the individual, but rather the personality disorder. It’s like going into the ocean when no one on Earth has ever seen a shark before; and we have just survived an attack from a Great White! Your world view completely shifts.
Speaking of Nazism, Anne Frank is famously quoted as saying “Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart”, but after experiencing an intimate relationship with a spath, I think we can all attest to the inconvenient truth that not all people are good at heart. In fact some people are inherently evil at heart.
Religion is a very personal thing, and I’ve been back and forth with for over a decade. I’d like to think I’m a very logical person, and I’ve further investigated current events, politics, and conspiracy theories. I also have an education in economics, and I see how spaths are manipulating the global economy. I feel like it’s all correlated. In theory, if there were in fact an age old Biblical power struggle between good and evil, I would have to assume spaths would be on the “dark side”. If you actually do any research on the “illuminati” (allegedly Satanic) you will see that they are described almost identically with how sociopaths are describe. Duplicitous, conning, manipulative, wolf in sheep’s clothing, deceptive etc. In theory it makes sense. If I were Satan and I wanted to negatively impact the world how would I do it? Simple through political leaders and cultural icons. Remember I’m theorizing lol!
The Bible speaks specifically on people who fit all the characteristics verbatim. They are referred to as “Reprobates”.
“There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth”.
2 Timothy Chapter 3
Food for thought. Again not my intent to offend, but merely an attempt at identifying consistencies.
@mrmcknight
Hmm, I think this largely depends on how a person was raised as opposed as to their character.
Example, my male children would NEVER dream of entering a restaurant with their hats on or not holding a door open for a women. My boyfriends male children, have no problem letting the door slam behind them or wearing their hat at the table. I believe it’s what is taught at the home, good, bad or indifferent.
Also I was told regarding my strict manners, “I was outdated”, my response. “I don’t care”.😡
@mrMcknight
PS – I forgot to mention boyfriend was a pastor for 15 years. I don’t know what to make of THAT!
😦 a pastor 😦 a lot of Soc’s are in positions that make them look like the good guy, mine’s a Fireman…save me!!!
Love you NIBSIH xoxo
PR 😉
@PR
I know – lol and he quit being a pastor to be a law enforcement officer, (benefits, medical retirement). If he is a NS, he keeps that crap in check, He’s a big time enabler, ex wife kids. But he’s retired now, drunk driver hit him, on duty. He has his own set of problems, I could blog his drama, but that would be mean. 😝
NIBSIH.
Ohhh The Karma bus caught up with him!
You didn’t run him down did you 😉 ;)….mine is a big time enabler with many followers & enablers to carry on his legacy of his brand of misery!
I hope your well & staying on top 🙂
It’s a long weekend here, Australia Day….all us convicts celebrating this gorgeous land 🙂
Love & Light always PR xoxo
@PR
Karma, sort of in his favor. A normal shift is 176 a month, he was working 100+ over time in addition to the 176. Between our household and alimony and child support, he had to. I told him the week before God will think you deserve a break. He didn’t listen.
NIBSIH.
PR, POS, thank you for your inputs I couldn’t agree more.
NIBSIH, I wasn’t really referring to if spaths are capable of having manners or not. I could’ve been more clear. I was speaking toward the specific words used. I think we all could attest that spaths can turn on the charm and the manners if they so desire.
My spath always said “gazoontite” instead of using “bless you” even after I corrected her on it. So in essence she was actually being polite in some regard by at least acknowledging it.
My logic was that if these creatures are in fact “demons” potentially, that no matter how much they are capable of faking, that they are incapable of faking it when it comes to us to being “blessed”. Almost like that even they are confined to a limit in a certain way. If they are truly inherently evil, why would they ever in fact want us to be blessed. I think it might be something even they cannot gaslight. Hence why I was curious if anyone else had a similar experience. I know it sounds trivial, but perhaps could be a gateway to a much larger answer.
What’s that saying, ‘blessings in disguise’ or is it a disguised blessing?
The Soc is a contradiction in themselves, they contradict everything.They are the exact opposite of everything they purport to be.
Mine said he was not materialistic or money driven Doh!
So the Rolex, Harley Davidson, convertible Mercedes Benz, the top brand clothes etc….I was always telling him that his life was not representative of his possessions when in actual fact it was.
He said it all meant nothing but, it all meant everything & was a huge ‘red flag’….always bothered me but, I am not judgmental so, just let it go.
I was never envious either as I have far more in reality than he ever did, I have authenticity, truth & love & real people so, I am richer than he’ll ever be. Oh & I don’t need to buy my followers or enablers, I have true friends & it’s a two way street of giving & having it returned 10 fold 🙂
Yes MrKnight75
Now that u mention it . I did have that experience with my soc . Whenever I sneezed he would say nothing . I made allowances because he was Egyptian .
I’m sorry for correcting u on that ” Gesundheit ” thing . I know because I’m German by birth . You are right however , it does partain to ‘good health .
As for the Demon thing I also agree with u 100% . I hopeSociopaths are not a new mutation of humans .
Just look at this world today . Two wrongs make one right . There are no more morals and feeling anything for others is going out of style .
We are throwing infants in the trash for God’s sake .
But when I are a sociopath this sort of thing would not bother u at all .
Thank God we can still feel .
My Devil was going to Church every
Sunday . Go figure !
Love & Peace
lol no problem on the Gesundheit thing. You’re absolutely right. I’m very grateful to God we can still feel 🙂
Gesundheit & bless you MrK 🙂
Blessed are we who feel love & empathy.
Imagine a world without it 😦
Oh & John Bonham, he’s the best drummer 🙂
Nothing Better than the joy of loving and giving. Makes you feel good. Or it does me 🙂
Hi Ladybug 🙂
They go to church to ‘pick-up’, mine loves a funeral!
He’s such an ambulance/hearse chaser, damsel in distress etc….
‘Along comes a spider & sits down beside her’, mine nearly pushed my girlfriend off the pew at my fathers’s funeral as he was rubbing her leg &, she kept moving as he was creeping her out & making her uncomfortable!!!
I was too busy grieving but,he is such an opportunist & couldn’t even respect my Dad’s funeral 😦
I’ll be dancing a jig on his grave one day, I love a highland fling! 😉
Am Scottish descent oh & Irish so, can’t wait for the wake 😉
He’s Italian Ha! No he’s not, he was born in the UK…oopsy another lie!
Can’t wait for his pants to combust, liar liar pants on fire…that’s why he’s a fireman so, he can put the fire out while he blows smoke out of his arse LOL 😉
Your on form today. Laughing is hurting my back. Bed time for me I think 🙂 goodnight all x
Awww Goodnight Dear friend, I hope you feel better soon & I’ll be in touch 🙂
Sweet Dreams & Pain free tomorrow’s…xoxo PR xoxo
Gesundheit & bless you PR, you’ve made my night. Bonham was the man! Don’t forget Keith Moon!
Who could forget Keith Moon 😉
One things for sure, neither of them were Soc’s.
Soc’s are not the artistic creative type at all 🙂
@ Mr Knight75
Don t know if this counts but mine fell asleep in an instant and would wake up in an instant ( like an on / off switch almost ) No grogginess whatsoever whereas I take about half an hour to come round !
It would only sleep about 4 hours without any ill effects whatsoever . It would pretend to be asleep if I worked late ( say 4 or 5 am after a shift ) and pretend that I had woken it up no matter how quiet I was . I used to find the whole experience a little bit unnerving to say the least ! Supernatural ? I don t know ? Bizarre in the extreme ? You bet your life on it
Nick
@ Mr Knight 75
I almost forgot ! Rampant migraines it had alot of the time too !
Hi Nick,
Mine always had headaches & said “my head feels like it’s caving in!”…wish it had 😉
It’s all the gaming & staying ahead of us etc…they are always on & ready to pounce or run or whatever?
Oh & mind was OCD with clothing, always showering etc…washing off the evidence more likely.
He said once that he showered in case he had to go to hospital & they knew he’d been having sex????
Like they’d check??? Really, made me laugh.
No wonder he had such dry skin & his fingers were always cracking around the edges & he was a chronic nail biter! That did my head in as I find nail biting really off-putting but, I used to cut his in-grown toe nail, should have taken the scissors to another part of his anatomy LOL 😉
Sorry probably made you wince, no offence meant 🙂
So did mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so odd! Wtf is that?!?!?!?1
Ditto, they don’t need a lot of sleep & don’t dream…no conscience so, no dreams, no nothing…just wake up & game on!
It’s on a post here somewhere or something I read.
PR xoxo
P.S. They have sex with their eyes open so, that they can see your responses etc…sharks & crocodiles don’t sleep much either!
A hunting we will go… 😦
They really ‘take the cake’, & the cutlery & the plate & the chair & the table…LOL….’Let them eat cake!’….they are greedy, greedy malevolent nasty predators….but, diabetes will get them or a heart attack! LOL…;)
Mine would also fall asleep in literally seconds and be “dead” for just about 9 hours. Funny she worked a late shift at a blood bank getting off at midnight every night and sleeping most of the morning. She used to joke that she was a “vampire”. Her energy levels were through the roof. Even in her online dating profile she described herself as if she had drank three cups of coffee at all times. Now that you mention it. I used to like laying around in bed romantically and once she was up, she was up.
You know, my Soc would say, “was that good for you?” & I said jokingly, “no that was crap, do it again” 🙂
He thought it was hysterical LOL.
I was serious 😉 lol….oops 😉
That’s why he liked me, I am honest, truthful & hilarious! ROTFL…
PR xoxo
Is that really it with eyes open during sex PR? I always liked it! I felt it was more passionate, like we were looking into each others “souls” lol.
That’s what they want you to think, your passion is their observation & their lust is your love etc…they feed off your supply & enjoy themselves as they think they are great lovers etc…it’s all ego on their part & not on ours. 🙂
Looking back – I think it’s so NS can see how blindly stupidly in love with them you are. Instead of sharing moments with you, they are watching you like the creepsters they are! Gross.
NIBSIH!
P.S. Mine would always ask if I he was the best lover I’d ever had & what’s a little ‘white lie’, I would never bruise his ego 😉 as it was so important to him 😉
Oh & he was obsessed with how many lovers I’d had & would get jealous so, more white lies 🙂 he was such a fragile little man 😉
I don’t measure people & if I’m honest, they were all good at the time & what’s the bench mark anyway!!! LOL
PR xoxo 😉
Hahaha you make me laugh. Actually though socios are (often great in bed) it’s a) the testosterone and b) they are fantastic at mirroring and being just what you want. Ha…. One time (I found) their tricks to be handy. I kind of smile writing this as I remember when he used to read my blog and in top 18 signs of a socio I wrote they brag they are great in bed and it’s the only time they are telling the truth lol for some reason he LOVED that quote (he didn’t many other) but am sure if he could have printed it off and showed people as a certificate. He would have 🙂
Lol, mine had the high sex drive but, so do I 😉
I must have way too much testosterone, which would explain the beard 😉 LOL just kidding but, the occasional ‘pigs bristle on the chin has been known to attack the unsuspecting kisser 😉
There is a difference is lot’s of sex & sex with great tenderness & my Soc did not have the latter at all but, the stamina he did.
He’s a Capricorn & I used to think of him as a randy old goat! LOL 😉
He loved to think he was the bestest of the best & who was I to contradict him…I have had Empaths that were just as good 🙂 & didn’t need to ask.
I never asked him what he thought of me but, he said I was the bestest of the best….blah blah blah….who cares 😉 it’s not an Olympic sport but, I’d bet he’s think he deserved gold!….Me, I want a diamond studded one so, that it glitters like me & my friends, all diamonds…like you Pos 🙂
@PR
I don’t believe this is a white lie, it’s very truthful. logical.
NIBSIH.
Thanks PR makes sense. Granted I think most of us guys like to think we’re good lovers ;p Spaths or otherwise. I’m a drummer, so she liked my ability to multitask lol!
Ahhh MrKnight…they love musicians as they are more artistic by nature & connect via music just like the angels 🙂
Broken is here sometimes & he’s a musician, you should try & find him 🙂
My Soc collects Fender Stratocasters & had me research them for him etc…he told me he was self taught but, he never played anything but the basic Da da da dadatada over & over & I think it was the most boring & repetitious crap I’d ever subjected my eardrums too 😉
His new OW wears hearing aids so, she is lucky 🙂 LOL…but, loaded with the $$$$ so, I wonder what he’s after!!!!
P.S. Remember though, this is the same Soc who told me he met the Rolling Stones &never even got an autograph, what a twat 🙂
I have a great friend who’s a muso & he’s a wonderful man, my Soc was so jealous of my friendship with him but, my male friends have been amazing & my sisterhood are shining lights.
I love ( not literally) the men that respect my girls & I am never a threat to any woman’s man!
Keep moving to the beat 🙂 xoxo PR 😉
Thanks for all your insights PR! The beat goes on!
Yeah PR I can totally relate. I’m a Greek American so naturally deep thinkers, good at math, and high sex drive/testosterone lol. OMG mine was a Capricorn too!!! They do have horns after all ;p I’m a Libra so I like balance as well in regard to most things… including love making, and you’re right that completely lack in the passionate aspect.
Yes mr Knight!! He even mentioned to me on three seperate occasions when I would question a behavior–for instance we had been on a somewhat fun date–nevertheless he was over the top projecting into the future ( love bombing)playing on my desires/ fears/ emotions– but it had been a good day– early on– like date 4 or 5—we saw each other 3 days later and his appearance was different– something changed in his spirit too– he looked sketchy & was acting almost sleezy ( not the case on other dates)but it was weird almost subliminal– being as empathic as I am, I tend to be sensitive to subtle changes etc– I thwarted, questioned & started to go into Nancy Drew mode, I felt drained & couldn’t reconcile the difference– when questioning him he said something about spiritual attack vaguely, off hand but convincingly—then about 2-3 months later after a month break we saw each other again And had a ok time– it was acting seductive in a weird otherworldly way, I confronted him ASAP, he backed off. The next day seemed ok, during dinner out he got uptight, distracted etc– he at end of dinner acted out impulsively– I questioned him & demanded answers- he clearly sabatoged after I was beginning to share more with him– time, closeness & expressions of care– he said he thought it was the devil– a spiritual attack– I asked him for explaination, to take responsibility & to give me insight– he refused– next day I go bonkers as he has no insight, I intuitively after adult, gentle attempt at communication, he keeps telling me I’m over reacting — I say it’s not working, how can you have no insight ( realize its true now!) and I tell him I believe in him but that he clearly has demons to confront & that he needs to make a decision to face head on or it will go nowhere with me or anyone else. Again he won’t budge, no apology or acknowledgement of my feelings-( I now see that he really was not capable & in fact spinning as he probAbly had many times before totally in bondage & oppressed!)He blamed it on the devil. Then a friend who lives in another state called me– she has her hair stand on end & chills when I tell her my confusion– she blurts out that the devil is using him-he has door open & is ptobably only semi aware– she was never told any of his comments by me — she literally FeLt it across the miles and told me to RUN! I broke up– then he mentioned when we came back around 1 mo later again that devil actually attacked him in his sleep and was going to undermine his family– he fought back w prayer?! He seemed a bit shook up– so yes, I think if we are not obedient to the 10 commands– we are that much more vulnerable to spiritual battle- which we are in to different degrees to begin with. The evil one knows our vulnerabilities– marriage, love & family are where the attack is focused– and why we must be prayed up & pray for our loved ones & flee from sin & darkness. Amen? The thing is I know nothing really about him– that phantom illusion here & gone– I was never invited into his world–and so relieved now. Who knows what is really going on???!!’ And, all along he used my faith– so that’s extra concerning!! But God is so good and his Mercy endures forever–I pay attention to everything — a sneeze missing a God Bless You is suspect, as is changes in appearance, demeanor and no insight or apology– our partner should bless us not hurt, lie & deceive. As we should be blessing to them. But we must flee not buy into intrigue or fantasy, and lack of insight or apology/responsibility is a red flag, no go! Lord, Please have mercy on us– St Michael, pray for us, keep us from all temptation & evil. Amen, thanks be to God! el
ooh my god…I have been reading a lot about the sociopath…about one thing I was doubting if he really was one or not…the financial part…but after reading this article I just see I have been very very lucky…everything up to ‘the financial trap’ happened exactly to me…I knew ‘my dear BF’ had a huge depth, but he was always very generous, told me his money is mine money, made promisses that he will pay for this and that(what ofcourse didn’t happen at the end)… and exactly what is written happened…after he gave me so many things I had the feeling i had to give him things back…I actually found him a bit too generous…it didn’t feel right…now after he broke up with me out of the blue about 6 months ago…Leaving me behind in a unknown country, with a 1000 of promisses, with a too high rent and a too low salary(as I took the job, just to make sure that we could be together as he couldnt miss me that long and ofcourse ‘his money, was mine money’), changing from the lovely guy who has told me a 1000 times how perfect I was and how much he loved me, into a hard and cold person, in no time he had another girlfriend(similar girls as me sweet, innocent, big heart, naife)…I was absolutely in shock, confused, heartbroken….slowly slowly I started to realise what has happened and realising there is something wrong with this guy… I was first thinking in a identy crisis….but very soon i got the feeling it must be something like a personality disorder… I came in contact with a girl…who has been with him when he was together with me…similar story…(and i was still believing at that time that he was a faithful guy…the honesty i already realised from that time the puzzle got piece by piece completed. from that time i also start to read more and more about the sociopath…and after this website I really realise…..I have been with a sociopath… As I said in another comment I will do my whole story once I find the time… Now I also remember in the beginning of our relationship he got one day a message from his ex wife, what I by accident read…it had to do with money…she was writing him..are you now again wanting my money…when I confronted him with this he was like: ‘she is just doing difficult, she must be drunk again…’ I believed him as I was so in love and sooooo blind…and he had told me that his ex wife had mental problems. How could I know at that time it probably has been all a lie…why should you just made up stories? Well now I know better….now I realise this message has been the first warning to me, what I didn’t read at that moment in the right way. Now I think I wouldnt be surprised he left his exwife behind in a much worst situation as me…I think I have just been very lucky…I have been saved just in time… think my ex realised I would discover him very soon…as I start to be critical to him….I think he just ran away before i would caught him…
Hi Marj welcome to the site 🙂
POS,I sent you an email
I don t really know what I believe in any longer .
I think to myself I have passed through life trying not to upset anyones day , I have worked hard non stop for 25 years only to be wiped out financially by the spath which now runs the shops it has stolen from me in cold blood .
How could any fair minded ” higher power ” allow this to happen if one exists ?
None of us deserved this devastation .
Answers on a postcard please. !
Nick
Hi Nick,
The ‘Higher Power’ is not a mind, it’s an energy or a consciousness of the divine & you are ultimately guided by ego & the inner voice of soul. Mind/ego, Body/Physical & Soul/Spirit or life force or energy, whatever your belief system….you have to find your ‘self awareness’ & it starts with ‘self-love’ & ‘self worth’….we do not deserve the Sociopath experience & we are worthy of better 🙂
Unfortunately wisdom comes at a great cost & it’s up to you to find your path as it’s your journey but, we are all loving you & supporting you with our energy 🙂
Keep going, you are not alone 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@ PR
Thankyou for those words , I really appreciate the support , no one who has not experienced it up close can comprehend the damage , sometimes I m ok , but certainly when I wake up , I m a nervous wreck within 5 minutes, my mate told me a few minutes ago that its like I ve been beamed up & replaced . I can t explain the fear that I have of losing my Family ( my lovely Daughters can t really understand what happened to me ) I really hate the fear :-((((((
I feel ashamed even mentioning it to my friends
Awww Nick,
Yes, I know that dreaded fear & it has lots of friends, pain, anger & grief.
You are not alone here & we ‘get it’.
I equate fear to standing still, frozen & scared to move.
I have been where you are & I can assure you that when you are ready you will step out of fear. Sometimes we stay stuck in fear for an eternity depending on our own capacity & experience to cope. It is such an individual journey & sometimes we need more help than just ourselves.
Reach out for help, here & elsewhere.
We all have different pain thresholds & you may need to consult a Dr or healer?
Be careful of self medicating especially after trauma as it can lead you further into the abyss 😦
Personally, I see life like a staircase & we get stuck on certain steps but, we all have to choose whether we stay on the fear step or step up higher to our next step our truth….face the fear, examine it when your ready. Feel it, deal with it & heal it.
Eventually we rejoin the life flow but, we choose our time.
You are a good person & worthy of love.
Remember Nick, you are never alone but, keep stepping up, not down. If you need someone to stand with you, we are here. Stop awhile & then grab my hand & together we’ll go to the next step together 🙂
Hang on & be proud of yourself & your resilience. Your safe here & we will support you.
When you ready, reach out & look up, I’ll wait but, do not step back down.
Your daughters need you & so do we 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
Thankyou again . The support from you and everyone on this site keeps me going through the dark times . I only live for my daughters , they keep me alive , that I have no doubt about .
I don t want the spath to break me if only for them . I love them both to pieces , I love my soon to be ex wife as well very very much ( not the spath ) but as I ve said before , she can t bring herself to forgive me , its something I will have to live with forever , at least she talks to me which is something .
Thanks again
Hi Nick 🙂
If you truly love your ex wife, then try as hard as you can to prove that love. Actions speak louder than words.
You have betrayed her trust & that’s hard to regain.
If she is adamant that she no longer wants you, then let her go & wish her all the best & fully support her decision 🙂
Love her but, honor her soul & who know’s she may forgive you & you will have to make amends for the rest of your life. She deserve’s that & so do you 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Just as there is good there is evil, love is so so much stronger than fear though! God gave us free will, with love comes responsibility–humans sin, but with faith, hope & obedience can by grace ( Gods will be done, not mine) overcome falls with forgiveness, love & hard earned wisdom 😉 it starts with us opening our hearts to pure love & heavenly guidance. When we stay centered in Gods love, gratitude & humility we are less suceptible to the tricks, seductions & chaos of evil one– the prince of Lies ! Forgiveness & amendment in heart is the gift & grace — run from sin & near occasion when you have inkling– starts with thought– the devil Flees from truth, love –as many of us have eventually witnessed! Peace & Clarity & Hope & Gods grace, EL
@ EL
Do you believe ( or does anyone for that matter) that it really is the devil that we are dealing with ?
Or is it just a simple biological personality disorder ?
I personally don t know , I like things in order and ” explainable ” but for the first time in my life I am seriously having doubts that I can explain it by rational science
Nick, we all ask that question & draw our own conclusions.
Personally I agree that a Soc is a demonic/ negative force & are sent as a test to the most sensitive souls that we are 🙂
Why?
Too make us look deeper at our own demons & run the gautlet with them.
Our reward if we make it is a higher self worth/value/attitude etc…. Who better to truly win this battle for humanity.
Us, our perspective alters to appreciate life more & make this life the most rewarding journey.
Some don’t make it but, the ones that make it here are at the gateway between heaven & hell. We choose which door to open & the Soc experience makes that easy. I chose the higher awareness & the hallowed ground & banish the negative Sociopath to their own misery in hell.
Hell for them is they will never feel their lives, they purely exist but, never know tbe truth & proof of life.
Integrity, compassion, honesty & love.
Glad I was born an empath & sorry for those Soc’s for wasting this life on selfish & greedy pursuits.
If we only get one turn, then I choose real not pretend.
Stay strong Nick,
PR xxx
Hi nick, there is a heap of scientific evidence regarding a lack of nurturing in early development that leads to this personality order. Look up a study done on Romanian orphans. There is much more proof that this disorder is a mix of genetics and environment than that the devil is real. I have seen no scientific proof whatsoever that the devil exists.
Hi It Is Done 🙂
I haven’t seen evidence either although I do believe that the Narc/Soc’s have been around since biblical times etc….Judas/Jesus now that was the ultimate betrayal.
Definite ego maniacs throughout the ages.
I have however had some rather ‘other worldly experiences’ that for me reinforced that there is a far greater force around us than we perceive 🙂
Alas, these are my experience’s & I have gained much comfort from them 🙂 oh & one in particular was shared with my Mum & til this day, it just blows us away 🙂
I hope that you are doing well & Happy Australia Day 🙂
We are blessed to live in this proud great land 🙂
Love PR xoxo
HI PR,
Happy ‘Straya day!
Currently watching Mad Max…. so Australian!
Also got sunburnt today – so silly and annoyed with myself, but very Aussie. Was only out in the sun for about an hour but it was hot!
I can hear the Sydney Fireworks going off… i can even see the tops of a few from my apartment. Go Aussie!
Anyway, I’m sure there were parents around in biblical times that were unable to give nurture and/or were unemotionally available as well.
I have had a few situations that seemed out of this world but were easily explained by other reasons once thought through and understood.
Each to their own though PR. Each person has to decide on what their beliefs are. Nick asked what evidence there was to show the sociopath was not the devil for real. When it comes to the psychology of a sociopath there is plenty of evidence and studies showing the connection of sociopathy and narcissism to a mix of genetics and environment. But, he has to make his own choices. I’m not here to convince anyone if there is more to life and death than just evolution. But i personally believe in life and death and evolution and the sun comes up and goes down. When we die – we are dead. We are responsible for ourselves. That is it.
BTW – I live a very fulfilling, happy, moralistic life despite this (or maybe because of this 🙂 )… well before the soc anyway 🙂 🙂 🙂
Each of us, independent of our beliefs, need to heal the pain that is left from the relationship with the sociopath AND heal/change/become aware of what lead us to trust someone so unworthy, someone that was able to manipulate and abuse us, in the first place. So that we do not do it again and so that we gain a higher state of self awareness and happiness. If you (not you per se PR) believe in god, that is fantastic that you find comfort with your God – this will help you recover from the pain. However, it is just as important to discover how the soc got to us in the first place and to grow and change what lead them to us and why we accepted them in our lives. God will not fix that. Only we can. Yes awareness is one part of it, but there is more to it.
Like most of us here, i am an intelligent, strong, reasonably attractive, successful and independent woman. Pre Soc, I did not understand how some people stayed in abusive relationships. I thought that would and could never happen to me because i was too strong. However, the soc got in my life and i fell for him hook line and sinker and i made excuses for his BAD behavior. He emotionally abused me and dumped me while i was miscarrying our child for Christ sake and I still went back for more. So how did someone like this get the better of me? (even for a little while). For me personally, I have come to realise that I have allowed people like the ex soc in MY life because of my family of origin wounds and abandonment issues. My father was emotionally unavailable so I attract these men in my life and accept them because i dont’ believe that i am worthy or deserve to be treated differently (this of course was on a subconscious level until recently). If i dont’ heal these and grow from the healing, I will continue to attract and accept these people in my life as i have for my whole life. Awareness is one thing but if we do not heal our pasts (pre soc) and truly start to love ourselves and understand that we are special and more than worthy, we will never truly be happy or find true love or be able to accept true love.
All i am suggesting is just be wary, as although your god may be comforting you (which is an amazing thing), only you can heal your past wounds that have shaped who you are. Only you can face them and therefore deal with them. But if you believe in god – you have a kind of support – which is fantastic. I don’t, so it certainly can be lonely at times (although i have a great counsellor 🙂 ).
For me the Soc has led me to such strong insight into who i am and why i think i am unworthy. But more than that, he has given me the desire and awareness to change this so that i can truly be happy on a whole different level. So I can have the dream – but for real this time. I am now working on these. It is not easy and very painful and i have a whole life of conditioning to change. but I know i am worth it. And i know what lies on the other side of this healing will be more than worth the pain.
Life is short. No matter what your beliefs, find YOUR truth. Understand it, Heal it, accept it. Grow, Love yourself and let it overflow out of you to others. The love that you find for yourself will protect you from further abuse because you will put yourself first, knowing that this is the only way to be truly there for others. By putting yourself first and supporting and being there for yourself, you will not let others push down your boundries. You will be safe from those theological devils 🙂
Anyway… Happy Australia Day everyone.
Peace and Happiness to you all
xxx
Hiya It Is Done 🙂
Did you throw a snag on the barby 😉
Gosh, don’t you luv us Aussies & the way we celebrate with barbies & sunburn & usually hangovers 😉
Me, I just relaxed as I work & don’t get many breaks & have a good healthy social life so, today I celebrated the freedom to just relax 🙂
I agree wholeheartedly with all you said & I am not religious at all.
I too had an emotionally distant father & child abuse (uncle) so, have had major issues with self worth & love.
I did therapy last year & it was confronting & traumatic but, helped me see clearly the dysfunction of my life & that I have always accepted less.
My journey was personal yet, cathartic & for the first time in my 50 years, I am finally standing in my own power & truth 🙂
What a journey it has been & I am really pissed, it took this experience to make me finally take a good look & ‘get it’.
Mind/body/soul balance is now my quest to keep in balance & stay ‘in tune’ with my inner self & awareness.
My spiritual experiences have been unexplainable & I get messages all the time. That’s my awareness & I don’t question or doubt it anymore as I have come to appreciate my intuition once gain & I have my ‘higher awareness’ which works for me 🙂
I found an article today that is lengthy but, I stumbled across is & I now realise that my Soc was a Covert narcissist.
Here is the link & maybe you will find something or answers for yourself?
http://www.energeticsinstitute.com.au/page/narcissism.html
Oh & here’s a song for you 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi It is Done
I love your comment, and I am with you on this.
I think we are responsible for our own healing and happiness, and it’s great if some of us have religious beliefs to turn to and support us. I have a great therapist, and some very good friends, and I am thankful for them, more than I can express.
Reading your comment, I suddenly realised that I must be truly on the mend because I can actually see what good came out of having had the Scumface in my life, lol.
If not for that devastating experience I would not have found my therapist and uncovered some issues that needed addressing. So, yes, the Scumface did have his uses … it was just hard to acknowledge it while I was hurting badly, and of course, he did not come into my life and do what he did for my benefit. He was/is a disgusting, selfish, manipulative, lying freak, but my therapist helped me see just why I allowed him into my life, and why I let him behave the way I did.
The whole experience has made me stronger and more aware, and also taught me heaps about myself.
I am now looking forward to the rest of the year, curious to know what wonderful things and people are around the corner.
I’m sure there are great things waiting for all of us.
Hugs all round.
xxoo
OneRedFlower
Hey hurray yay this is good. This is the way that I think about spirituality. Everything in life happens for a reason. I think. Sometimes when we are in it or really hurting we cannot see that actually yeah this changed me and forced me to get help. With that comes other things. I do believe that there are no mistakes in life it can just take a while to see why. It’s really good to hear you say that this has made you stronger and more aware.
And well what price can you place on wisdom? It’s priceless…. So nice to hear you sounding so positive 🙂
Hi Pos
It’s wonderful being back to ‘normal’ but also stronger, wiser and more aware … self-aware, as well as aware of people around me.
I remember when I was in the depths of despair and I just want to reassure those who are in that place that recovery WILL happen for them. Just give it time and for focus on being good to yourself.
I also want to say that being when i talk about how we are responsible for our own happiness I am not excusing the actions of the horrible people who deceived us.
They knew what they were doing and they are I wholly guilty of betrayal and manipulation.
What I meant was that having been abused by these evil people we MUST treat ourselves with the utmost care and consideration.
We must be good to ourselves and concentrate on our own well-being. We must demand and insist on the best from ourselves and others.
I know it’s not easy. It’s easy to blame ourselves, to feel guilty over not forgiving or thinking negatively about the scumbags.
I have to stress that it’s a process. We can’t force ourselves to forgive anyone. Anger, denial, depression etc all have to come naturally.
It’s so complicated and it’s a struggle.
I urge those on this site to find help … in the form of therapy or just from friends. You must be firm and selfish abt it though. For example I had to be very specific to my friends abt what helped and what didn’t. Platitudes like ‘look on the bright side’ and ‘you’ll love again’ and ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ did not help me. I told my friends and those who really cared listened and supported me.
I did whatever it took to make me feel better, even if for a few minutes. Of course it was important to not do anything illegal or dangerous, lol.
Things WILL be ok again. Just keep telling yrselves that. It will feel impossible but it isn’t.
Xxoo
OneRedFlower
Hi OneRed,
I couldn’t agree with you more. I have also come far in my healing. My focus is no longer on the ex soc, but on healing my other issues (long over due).
What I would like to add to ur comment, is that there have been times where I “slip back” into the pain from the soc experience. For me this is a natural part of my overall healing. I think for anyone. This is not a failure or a lapse, but a genuine part of healing. Each time I have a slipped, I come back in a stronger, healthier position than before the “slip”
Being kind, compassionate and supportive to yourself is utmost important for a “quick” and full recovery.
This is a life changing experience, and if done with full healing, although it might not seem it to some of you yet… Definitely one for the better!
Peace
Xx
Katy wrote this about her life with Russell, amazing & I hope it doesn’t make you sad, as it shows how we can survive this experience & see everything with greater clarity 🙂
PR xoxo
Yay 1redflower 🙂
Love it & Ditto, ditto,ditto 🙂
Me, I keep challenging the thoughts that come & use my ‘self talk’ for good, not evil.
I actually decided to walk my talk as, I am good at helping others but, can self sabotage myself.
Ahhh, that’s been something I had to really work on.
I am loving myself silly, not vainly & some days is excruciating but, those days are less & less.
This is my song for me & you 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Yes I agree that well meant comments can make you feel worse. This is common with what I went through with stillbirth and people would say (varying comments to myself or other women who went through it, some don’t apply to me), things like ‘you can have another child, you are young’ or ‘ you have other children’ or ‘are you not over that yet?’ You can’t tell other people how to feel. Listening and being with them can help more than anything. This site is a bit different to that, as its not just grief it’s complicated. If the abuser is a socio they are all the same so pattern repeats. Victims of stillbirth while they all join a club they can never leave (as you will always love your child), victims of sociopaths can heal, recover and move on. Time is a great healer too. (Why no contact is important) you were lucky to have good and supportive friends. Many victims have been left so isolated that they have nobody left. Am so pleased to hear that you are on the mend and moving forward with your life. Its so good to read. It’s good when the sunshine starts to come out after the rain and you see a new pathway and light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 🙂 go you!!
Hi Pos
Thank you and thank you for this site and thank you to all on it.
It certainly helped me a great deal.
And YES, No Contact is soooo important.
🙂
I have a newsletter and this is the poem and comment I share with my readers for Feb. I thought I’d share it with this site:
In the Desert
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter–bitter,” he answered;
“But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.”
~ Stephen Crane
“So you have decided to be bitter and unforgiving,” someone said to me recently. (He was 19, self-satisfied, and stupid. A young, idiot male.)
What did he know of the way I felt? He could not possibly have understood that I’d been through worse than what he assumed was turning me into a nasty old hag. ‘Bitter and unforgiving’ are meaningless words when spoken by someone like him: His world ends if he forgets to charge his smart phone. He loses sleep when he can’t level up in Candy Crush. He reproduces cliches because that is all he has. Bitterness, to him, is just an idea so he doesn’t understand its value.
Like the creature in Crane’s poem, I like my bitter heart because I know its value.
Bitterness is hard and sharp against your tongue. It makes you aware. It’s a warning, it’s protection. Bitter experiences teach you what to avoid and how to protect yourself. They might be like medicine or those nasty herbal soups Chinese mothers are so fond of – they taste like death and hatred but will make you better and healthier in the long run. It’s worth savouring the taste. Then, when the golden sweetness of celebration fills your mouth, it will be more honeyed, smoother than if you’d never known the rusty bite of bitterness. But mind you spit it out before it sinks to your stomach and eats you up from the inside.
Young idiot male, I’m not so diminished that I will drown in bitterness.I know just when to rinse and spit.
Feeling bitter and not being able to forgive just mean that I am human and feel pain. I don’t expect anyone to forgive immediately. I expect forgiveness to come eventually. I have to stop hurting before I forgive. Once the pain passes, forgiveness will be natural, automatic, effortless. At that stage I’ll still remember, like I remember a story I’ve read, but I’ll be outside of the experience. It will no longer makes me double-up in agony.
I suspect some might say that this sort of forgiveness means little; that if it costs you nothing, the forgiveness is of no value. But what would be the point of saying you forgive without feeling it? Would it be possible to force yourself to be sincere? Or should sincerity have nothing to do with how you feel. Perhaps you don’t feel forgiving, but you are still sincere about wanting to forgive.
Right now I don’t feel forgiving and I don’t want to forgive. I certainly can’t say ‘I forgive’ just for the sake of it, to make someone feel better. Someone suggested that saying ‘I forgive you’ would bring me peace of mind. However, I can’t say what I don’t feel. If I did I would just feel more wretched.
Peace of mind must come first and when it does, so will forgiveness. For everyone. If that’s too little, too late … well, too bad.
I think it’s normal not to feel forgiveness at first. Before you can forgive anyone else, you need to first forgive yourself.
My SOC once said his name was Lucifer, jokingly. But he was. The devilish deviations he found humor in were so outrageous, I would dare not repeat. We were together for three years and I just thank God I did not loose my soul. He lied, he cheated, he took money, he mentally and physically abused me but in the end was more incensed by the fact that I never gave him the pleasure of breaking me down to where I would admit I was just as depraved as he. He is a suave professional, who travels across states duping many women in his path.
It is a war of good against evil. I know that it is only through prayer and focus that I still have my sanity. I thank God for every new day w/o my SOC is the sweetest kind of peace I had been unable to feel over the years with him.
one day at a time.
DG
Hi DG welcome to the site!! 🙂
Hi Don’t Give In 🙂
Welcome to this amazing site 🙂
I know you will find support & answers here as I have done 🙂
My Soc/Narc told me he was the Devil etc….it’s just a head game as they know something is not right with them.
They are delusional & align themselves with their ‘devilish’ ways.
I think because they suffer grandiose thoughts, the ultimate power trip for them is either God or Lucifer.
Just keep going with your journey & healing as you will eventually get the answers you seek for yourself.
They are your answers as your story is individual but, you are not alone & others are walking this road with you 🙂
This is a great journey back to yourself & believe me, it’s an unbelievable hellish road but, what awaits at the end is worth the effort.
You & your self worth & self love are waiting so, don’t give in 😉
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
FUCK HIM/HER! Hows that for a postcard. Man…reading all this,pisses me off beyond belief! I was reading “why bad things happen to good people” last night. God or your higher power has nothing to do with it. God is not that cruel,but I know what exactly what you mean. It’s human’s. Human’s can be evil,sick minded,etc…..
Yep I agree ,
If you want sick , try this ….
In the City where I m from there is a small Yankee Candle shop of no particular threat to the spaths ever increasing chain of these shops .
The couple that have it have already suffered unspeakable tragedy in the death of their 10 year old Son in a terrible accident . They set up the shop in his memory , it carries his name . The spath is fully aware of this and is trying to put them out of business by spreading lies about the quality of their candles compared to hers.
It is sick beyond belief , they have done nothing and I mean NOTHING to her , she just wants to wipe them out for a bit of fun .
I am so sad , this is so wrong – if there is a God surely he or she must intervene at some point ?
She is like a plague of locusts devouring and destroying everything in her path , its just not right , I am so sad for them , I can do nothing to prevent it .
😦
Nick
I know Nick. I thought this too, after I went through this after Maya died. I too questioned is there a god. It’s so wrong and so cruel 😦
Hopefully she will hang herself if she continues. Sociopaths do quite often go too far. And she will make herself look bad. I hope so.
I was complaining one day, (fine, whining), and was told to find “The story of Job”, it’s in The Bible. In google it came with the by line of.
“The Story of Job:Why bad things happen to innocent people”.
It’s a very interesting story I suggest reading it, regardless of religious affiliation. Just because the story it self is good. Do find a version your comfortable reading, (first one I picked was from 1800’s, yeah no). I would tell the story, but it’s obvious I am not a storyteller! Just a new perspective, to look at something.
NIBSIH.
POS….a. I would love you to do an entire blog/post/write up…whatever you call it…on stories or reasons woman/men lose their jobs while with these fuckheads. I still struggle with the loss of my job,and he fact the job said it was MS related,as I do not believe that was the case. I am still so fascinated,by reading about the amount of people on here that have suffered job loss while with the spath. Was it job loss,than the spath bailed,or people lost their job while with the spath and why. That’s my request for a new post/blog/story.
Hi Bobbie 🙂
I am so sorry that you are unwell & unemployed 😦
It’s very cruel what has happened & I truly hope that you will be okay soon & hopefully luck will come your way as you are under incredible stress which will not help your MS.
My Soc did not cause me to lose my job but, did try to compromise me at work on more than one occassion. I am the sole employee where I work & he would request sex there. I sent him packing on more than one occassion & he said, he was only kidding but, had I obliged he wouldn’t have cared.
I am a very conscientous person & sole parent & morally would never do that under any circumstance. My job is my only income support as my ex husband doesn’t pay child support.
My Soc did make me very ill however, I cannot divulge that here as its very personal but, is one of the reasons I was so stuck with him 😦
Anyway, i was stuck for 10 years & the journey back has been painstaking to say the least.
I am doing very well emotionally/physically & spiritually now but, I have had to dig deeper than I ever imagined.
Thankfully I have amazing family & friends & I hope you have positive people around that love & support you.
Please know that you are cared for by us here & you are not alone 🙂
Sending you a huge hug & hope for better days ahead.
It is a damn hard road back but, you are worth it & deserve a good life 🙂
Just do your best, your an inspiration to others.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I didn’t lose my job, but he kept saying that I deserve a better job and that I need to resign to look for another one. When I said to him if he was willing to help financially if I do it, he ends the conversation immediately. I think that they affect our job because the are always looking for attention. Mine called or texted more than six times during my day of work, he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing, he expected to go to lunch everyday or that we talked, at first I felt that I was important to him, but then it was exhausting, because I knew the consequences of not answering…he was literally my puppet master. I am proud of the work I do, and I’m thankful that I was able to keep doing a good work no matter the chaos that I was living. He knows how delicate my job is and last time we contacted he keeps doing threats saying that he knows how to affect my reputation. At last I was able to say to him, “do whatever you want, you don’t define me”.
Hi NMI, ditto the calls at work & suggesting quitting & getting another.
I did actually get a second job for awhile & was exhausted. He told me that tax wouldn’t get affected & him being in ‘the know’ i believed him!
Should have checked that one out as I got a bill for tax so, basically worked 6 days for nothing!!!
He always pushed me to ask for more from my employer but, i learnt to tread carefully & my employer does look after me. Had I taken the Soc’s lead, i would have been out on my bottom!
He was always pushing me & if i complained about my job, he would reinforce that it was worse so, i should leave. Thankgoodness I didnt listen.
He also baulked at the idea when I said, “well, are you going to support me”???
He just wanted to ruin me & came close but, something always stopped me. Call it divine intervention. I am happier at work now & my boss is great. Argh, the Soc is the planter of such devious thoughts 😦
Calling so, i was distracted constantly & sometimes made mistakes. He rang minutes apart & drove me nuts! We would finish a conversation & hang up & he would call back, & i’d say I was busy & he’d act offended. If i did the reverse (rarely) he would say he was busy & I’ll call you back soon. Then he wouldn’t bother as he wasnt interested! Such a waste of time in every respect!
PR I remember that the constant calls and conversations after a little time looks as we were repeating the same conversation, he made the night before an issue of the most simple thing, and the other day it was as he was making a disecction of the issue from my tone of voice, my answers, my reactions…every detail as if he had a video recorder on his brain and he was playing a game of “admit you were wrong”…when at last the issue was resolved I think that things will be better but everything was on an loop with him a spinning cycle…At last I said to him, “that issue is resolved, please lets get to the next step I will not discuss the same thing”…
Yes NMI,
I now realise that the repeated converstaions are on a loop or replay of more of the same drivel which was designed to keep you down or brainwased! Mine would lecture me daily & say ” now, are you finished talking?” “Listen to me & I will tell you what you need to do!” & off he’d go, telling me how to think & act. It was repeated over & over & he would ring ne to see if I’d taken his advice on all matter of things, like I had no free will.
Sometimes he made sense & others he didn’t & I wouldn’t take his advice but, I would thank him for it & do my own thing, much to his annoyance 😉
I would usually hear him bring it up again later as he was determined to control my thinking & sometimes he won 😦
A lot of times though, i only told him what I wanted him to know & thankfully kept managed to retain some of my own brain from the washing cycle 😉
If only he knew how m
I found a new job. I had lost my job,that I worked at,for over a decade…than I started reading this blog,and was shocked at how many people had lost their job while with the spath. I was with the spath when I lost my decade long job…..I am just curious,why it is,so many people lose their jobs. I’ve gone to work,as a nurse,with an IV hidden in my arm,a fever for 3 months,weak as shit from the Multiple Sclerosis as I said I want to know others storied. D/t the above mentioned,of going to work with an IV in my arm,etc…I am not sure it was the spath,or “the corporate spaths”(that’s what they were as far as im concerned) that contributed to job loss. Sure,I have MS…I am in no way,in denial of the MS….I just want to hear stories…to decipher if it was me,the job,the spath,or all of the above.
For me there were a few reasons. One, he chipped away at my confidence and in senior management if a billion dollar company,, you need confidence. Two, as NMI said, he was ways ringing, emailing and texting so my focus was always with him. And three, because for the year I had my job, there was continual drama surrounding him. When I first got the job we were broken up and I was destitute, then we were getting back together, then I moved back in, then he was weird, then he ditched me out if the blue, then I couldn’t function for three months and all of this put together, completely took my motivation. Loss of focus, confidence and motivation.
That’ll do it!
Sorry for typos, I’m on my phone.
This is a good topic Bobbie. I can write a post about it.
POS…I just read where you said spaths are good in bed. Seems if even they are unattractive! Wtf is that all about? What is the psychology/sociology behind that? When I was in my 20’s,before I realized these things were spaths,a friend and I would refer to them as “bad boys” and have ongoing conversations about “why are bad boys so good in bed” We would analyze it for hours!
Disclaimer: These are my opinions, beliefs & personal understanding as of today.
I beleive our first job is to truly love ourselves– from that love can flow to others, jobs etc– freely, faithfully & fruitfully. If we are not loving ourselves ( by staying with toxic people, places & things) things quickly begin to degenerate and we lose focus because its not ordered. All day we have choices to love or neglect— any one of those little choices can ( opportunities all day long!) set us off on different path– the thing is we can always change or grow through our choices. When we smile warmly we can change someone’s entire day or life– when we dismiss or neglect with cold indifference we also can change someone’s day or life– at the very least not enhance it. For ourselves or others–
What’s weird too– is that wether we are working, looking for work, out of work etc they do insert themselves all over our lives in millions of distracting ways– like a poison or contagious disease– they are all over our thoughts , they call, text, write, show up uninvited & infiltrate — it is really crazymaking how even when you break or put distance– you don’t feel free– they reinfore & force themselves at the center , they make there own boundaries, while challenging yours– opportunists pushing love & living lies that we cant decipher at first–while constantly taking energy, time, treasure & leaving us exhausted, immobilized & empty of life giving– as they get more supply from seeing us lose ours– they are drug pushers– we become addicts and are blindsided as to just how much they jones for supply like vampires–just like active junkies lose everything while needing stronger hits– the spath needs constant hits & pretty soon we ourselves are getting some serious hits without conciously looking, we become part of their party/dangerous game, lose the focus on ourselves, jobs, lives etc — and start to lose everything too as they take us with them to emotional bottom( where they really live!– we don’t have to move in there– just because we visited or took the ride)- it’s all done with seduction– so you get a little hit of anesthesia, distracted just enough by the lies, chaos, missing pieces, charm & pain– like a needle in your arm for a second and you get knocked out– you wake up 2 hours later not realizing anything happened initially with no real pain or memory of deep surgery. Then as the anesthesia wears off you are a groggy, unsteady, very sore mess!! You may decide you feel worse & go back for another hit in various other ways disguised to deal or run from reality before the truth of healing is revealed with time… Or you may chose to stay with pain & withdrawls moving through stages of recovery– but no matter what you will be off your game as you are in various stages of dependency/addiction which the spath is entrenched–constant need for supply however he/ she can get it– sometimes flying under the radar other times in your face– but no matter what they get there needs met while we are still trying to figure out our own– as all our attention shifted to why? How? Who? Totally off our own self, well being– we want that hit, to know love is real, and though he/she gave us fake hits– they are getting the real thing from us– so it sets up a crazy situation– it’s like they are addicted to heroin ( pure & powerful like our real love/emotion) we are on methadone ( synthetic to help us cope with more dangerous addiction- soc!)and can’t figure out the distinction– but in the end they have so much less choice– we actually do even if we were groomed to narrow and define ourselves as limited by the soc by the hits of charismatic seduction which is really anesthesia/self medication for our own unmet needs, desires, dreams & vulnerability, wounds–we all want & need love, spath & empath– we are capable & vulnerable—for real love not counterfeit. The spath is conartist, pimp, drug pusher selling counterfeit love. We didn’t realize it, we took/settled for the hit, we didn’t see the total disguise, they started to groom us with craftiness–we got dosed — like our punch was slipped a Mickey– we drank a whole cup thinking it was refreshing, tasted good, quenched our thirst– it was also the only refreshment offered– it looked so nice dressed up in in the chrystal punch bowl– looked like every other nice punch offered at social event– everyone else seemed to be hovering around it & going back for more too–/customary & inviting-/but crap things began to spin ever since– he/she deceitfully betrayed us– poisoned the punch with intention to get what he/ she wanted & obsessed to dupe– knowing not just uis but others would also head to the punch bowl knowing & unknowingly looking for refreshment– the “sugar” sweetness to lift us and maybe even that little tipsy effect to lighten up the mood– but it’s grain/he slipped it in when no one was looking- knocked us all out ! Hangover, hot mess , what the ? He/she used us as party favor, on to the next party invited or not he/she goes always empty handed, opportunistic charismatic conversationalist–numbing us out — we are under the influence and can’t focus on finding, keeping or doing our job ( to love ourselves OR our actual career) we are hooked & distracted– either actively “using” or in withdrawls– think a bout it — depending on damage, personal perspective, responsibilities, support, how deep & involved– how vulnerable ( life situation), patterns & previous wounds– detoxing from a person is going to look and be crazy for some time. Some people, on the face of it at work etc control personal lives, others can’t– when people are detoxing from drugs or other habits–or active in addiction– they are unable to focus, exhausted and need time, energy to heal. Some hit low bottoms, other much higher-some function highly through the whole process others need to take a sabbatical–since NC 4.5 months ago– for me, I’m seeing like others mentioned what made me vulnerable– family of origin & old wounds– I wanted to believe in love, be loved & love another-I also had rose colored glasses on, and allowed myself to buy into just enough of fantasy/dream soc was selling to feel better in the midst of loss & transition. ( Which ironically he only added too!)As I would often feel a little anxiety, high or confusion depending on soc antics–looking back I can see how he was creating dependency by giving me little doses– I was a little more intoxicated each time and also having little hangovers–subtle, the quality & quantity was controlled by him– I was distracted by my life & him–trying to control things breaking up, expressing myself, communicating, or when it didn’t feel 100% and I was sufficiently depleted– I would chose fantasy in equal hits– to deal with hangover moments & depletion– again, thank God I also turned to prayer each & everyday– as surely this could have been much worse– I was overall grounded and snapped out with grace– surrendering that I am powerless, life became unmanageable & only my higher power could restore me to sanity– the soc is the antithesis of pure love- and yes, the 12 steps have helped me so much. I see how my own needs and perceived love deficit & rose colored fantasy glasses helped me to be vulnerable to what soc was selling/pushing( not mutually sharing) and I was searching to find the hit– taking me towards more insidious & dangerous emotional & physical reality ( not fantasy! Rose glasses broke to pieces & bent)
Metaphors. They help. Analyzing also a bad habit — but can be helpful.
NC and dealing with withdrawls, life on life’s terms, one day at a time– forgiveness, compassion, identification, faith & hope– taking next right action, showing up for me–self care– and realizing I am whole but wounded. Can’t tell you how things are turning around since facing many difficult truths, staying prayerful & letting miracles & blessing into my life. A new awareness of choices that i make– i now ask if its love or neglect. i also test– if i have peace its God/Love–if its chaos/no peace its usually not of God. EL
As I read your words I remember what Pinnochio said one day “I am the best of the worst thing you’ll ever know” I thought he was drunk at the time, now I know he had made a mistake, He is the worst of the worst…
Thanks for your words they have a lot of sense
Oops damn phone!
NMI, i managed to hide a lot from my Soc re my thoughts so, he never truly
had me sussed. I somehow knew to protect my innermost thoughts hidden & he had no idea. Its ultimately what kept me sane in the end 🙂 he didn’t know me as well as he thought! 😉 xxx
@PR, sometimes I think that our smart phones have mind of their own and do what they want 😎
You know, I wanted so much that everything function, that everything was as it was on the beginning, that the feeling that I thought was love keep living, that I literally started to dissappear, to shrink, everything was him. I think that maybe it was a unconscious way to protect myself …I don’t know how, but I learned at these time to put my life on different rooms (not on a big room where all I am and where all that matters live, but on different rooms) the room where he was (that I thought at the time it was the bigger one) and the other rooms, my daughter room, my family room, my job room, my friens room, my dream room…on his room I felt that I was invisible and I just wanted that he see me, that he valued me, that he recognize me…on the others rooms I can be an important presence. I tried, I really tried to be visible to him…Now I know that I wasn’t invisible, he IS blind!!!
The devastation that he caused as an category 5 hurricane at least broke the “walls”of the others room, and again my life is complete without him.
Excuse my english I am thinking on spanish and write as the ideas came to my mind.
A big hug to you PR !
PS I just read the last article of positiva and I think that this blog have become our own personal mapping
When I told mine that he had worn me down- he said ” I wore you down with the best part of me” I think it’s true– the better part ( charismatic & mirroring part) So did he wear me down with my better part???!!! 🙂
It’s so ridic how convoluted it all is– in memory & truth. It’s like one of those weird modern takes on Shakespeare play. Bananas.EL
It is insane dealing with the sociopath, even in retrospect, because they like to recall different accounts than what actually happened. Then, I guess if I behaved like a sociopath, I’d need to lie to myself to rewrite history too.
Scarlett?
It’s Rhett here 😉 lol
Email soon, re tarot reading, I will do it today bella J’gurl.
Your such a cutie, love the pic 😉
PR xxx
Hi EL 🙂
Wow! That was amazing too read 😉
You have done so well to express yourself so eloquently. Well done 🙂
It is so great to hear your thoughts & your own path to healing.
I am glad that you have found such clarity in your prayer & God’s guidance.
I myself find that my own journey has made me truly look at my actions & reactions & question & answer my own self.
I now view (or try) to view my interpersonal relationships from an internal perspective or internal guidance (gut reaction). I have tuned back into myself & not only my own thought patterns but, my feelings.
I percieve things differently now, with greater clarity & understanding. I listen to what someone says & how they make me feel. I can now detect if someone is interacting with me from a love perspective or a unloving approach. I feel them first, what I mean is, if I feel discomfort from their spoken language or body language, I can guage where they are coming from.
If someone says something negative to me, I hear it & feel the intent. If they are negative, I see them coming from a pain base. If I hear a positive, I hear & feel that they are coming from a loving base.
The Sociopath experience has taught me to match the verbal with the physical clues. The Soc’s have learnt to mirror & mimic us but, not feel us as they are incapable of this.
This is our trump card for our healing & defence from now on.
When we reconnect ourselves to our true feelings, then we are balanced & in our own power.
If our mind/body/spirit are not working as a team, then we are ‘off balance’ & our defences are down.
The key is staying in balance, that’s the hardest part but, that’s the answer for me.
If I stay in negative emotions then, I stay stuck so, like you I have to stay in the positive state constantly to avoid the trap of negative that the Sociopath depends on to trap their prey.
Self-worth for us is quickly turned to self-doubt once a Sociopath takes hold. Self-love turns to self-loathing & on it goes. So stay in your power place, wherever we find our strength, stay with what works best for you.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
PR,
I hope I really have learned and processed much of what you & I & all have been through & expressed here–I feel so much more aware, but still vulnerable. I suppose I won’t know for sure until I start dating again– I’m still trying to build energy reserve, focus & accomplish building a new, firmer, stronger foundation for myself– and a time to relax into new/next phase. Still catching up on self care, restoration & goal setting ex full time employ– transition etc.
I do know that if someone feels like they are trying to ” sell” or “push” themselves to me- that’s my biggest cue to exit. Nothing less than mutual self giving as far as romantic involvement is welcome– organic & natural unfolding–transparency & invite to his heart/ world before he into mine– atleast open, honest reveal 😉 that’s what I’m hoping will help me discern. EL thank you for walking with me, I’m not ready yet but will be dipping my toe back into dating eventually– still too many open wounds, fears etc
Aww EL 🙂
Yes & it’s been a pleasure to be a part of your journey as well 🙂
Just take your time & there is no need to rush. Find your self & your true desires but, remain in the ‘drivers seat’ of your life. Don’t be a passenger again & never allow someone else to choose the route!
Remember if you give anyone the priviledge of sharing your life, they must bring 3 things, honesty, respect & love. Settle for nothing less.
Keep your life in balance & when mind/ body/spirit are in alignment, you are ready 🙂
Life’s a juggling act so, practice keeping all your balls in the air & if you drop one, pick it up & get your rythym of life back.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
brilliant! You are so correct!
@ Positivagirl
I am deeply sorry about Maya , I haven t really said anything about it before as I tend to just shut down around a death ( I have my own issues surrounding someone very close to me , it just opens a place I don t like going even 30 years later )
I am quite friendly with the Candle shop owners , but I have never directly ever brought up Rhys’s death as I cannot face it due to my own demons . I have no idea how to approach it or even if I should . I have been spared the death of a child so my own problems regarding this are in comparison not worth speaking about .
I know you have been going through a grim time recently regarding Maya , I have thought about the way that you keep on writing , I can tell you it helps us all a huge amount .
Nick x
Ps
Our job/career is a way we use our God given talents ,gifts & talents– for our higher good, His Glory– work is a labor of love when effective, passionate & successful. It is also how we get basic needs met- we put a roof, clothes, food on our table– it is a act of love for ourselves & others needs who count on us. We do it, as necessity but also it’s own reward– to do all things with love—as soon as we get distracted by it– it has taken us off our path– derailed us- it lives for that– it means that IT is center of universe–at that moment we are not loving ourselves but neglecting–self neglect effects everything– especially the inner child who needs real love & the basics. I’ve also learned that our relationship with money and love parallel – both are valued based. Do we spend, save, binge, give to ourselves, others? Material, spiritual, emotional check & balance? Creative, conservative, gamble, tax evasion lol? Responsible, spontaneous , indulgent, generous, cheap, underemployed, self starter, dependent, interdependent, independent to a fault?? It’s wild stuff and the more I learn the more I’m fascinated– I’m a giver, not always practical, a bargain shopper — I look for quality & within budget– sometimes I take little risks putting the want ahead of the need– more to enhance environment or self to make myself or others more comfortable or brighten moment– sometimes over spend and put myself in tight spot. I’m also looking for work, never show up empty handed, thinking that I’m not enough– but that is changing- and even without a material offering I have more than enough within myself to bring to the party 😉 I give more of myself , can be open before warrented taking risk–optimistic & knowing ill bounce back– but put myself in stress by not patiently letting time & circumstances be in more secure place– this was my slip up with soc–and sometimes when I buy things that don’t work out– instead of taking item back- I cut my losses– learn more about need/ want/ quality– and try again. Always better purchases that last longer!!! For what it’s worth;) need to find an appropriate job!!! EL
Hey Pheonix , President of the loopy la la club .
Is that why they go to church ?
Now it makes sense . Thanks for shining a light on it !
Around the same time he started to go to church he also joined a gym , I’m guessing it was for the same reason .
I must have given him a harder time than what I thought .
But all’ s good . I’m starting to feel better , like I’ve turned the corner .
Working on the next corner now .
The reason I know that I feel better is because my sense of humor is returning .
The other day I knew my super was coming and when I answerd the door
I held a banana to my ear like a telephone . She looked at me kinda funny and then we lost it . Laughter is a great healer but getting there again after a Sociopath is a bitch .
MY I ask you my dear , what you have been nibbling on again ? You’re really on roll again . Please pay attention to what you are ingesting , once you know what it is maybe you could bottle it and send us some .
I make it a point to go to the bathroom before I read anything that you write .
I’m happy to see a lot of US are starting to feel better. And to all others ” YOU WILL GET THERE ALSO”. There is life after the Sociopath after all the sh.. and the sweat . We are just unable to see it right after the discard .
Here is to newly found positvety joy and freedom . It’s like a rebirth .
Thank’s God , thank’s Posi and Pheonix
and all the rest of you who have been through this .
We will be forever changed by this lesson but we will be more vigilant and aware the next time around .
Peace&Love
Awww Ladybug you are such a sweetheart 🙂 & I am so glad you are turning those corners 🙂
It’s been a pleasure to share our journey together & ride the waves with you. Albeit under the most traumatic & bizarre circumstances.
I still call this another realm as I truly believe it is.
I love the banana phone 😉
I used to watch Lance Link & Matahari the chimpanzees that was a take on Get Smart, you reminded me of it 😉
I sometimes feel that we’ve been living in a parallel universe after all of this drama etc….boy what a ride!
My little italiano meatball ( really an English Pork Pie) yep, born in UK Soc, is no longer haunting my mind 🙂
I’m off pasta it’s bad for my hourglass figure 😉
I prefer Lindt balls to meatballs anyway 😉
You know, dogs have got it all figured out, if something smells off, pee on it, kick grass & dirt on it & leave that sh#t behind you 😉
Yep, that’s what I have done to the Soc, buried him like an old bone ;-)….it’s a dogs life doggone it!!!
Love & Light always my L’bug 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi PR
I just got up here in New York and already find my self rolling on the floor . That is some gift you were blessed with my dear . Thanks for helping me through ! The site is fortunate to have you ! You are such a joy and I’m glad you didn’t loose that wonderful quality .
Love, Peace & Angelwings to keep you save !
Hey Gorgeous Girl Ladybug 🙂
Good Morning 🙂
Thank you & likewise too you 🙂
Don’t change ever, like me your purrfect already 😉
It’s 1.30 am here in Australia & it’s oficially Australia Day. We get to celebrate being a dumping ground for the riff raff convicts that the UK didn’t want so, unbeknownst to them, they shipped the murderers, thieves & prostitutes to paradise ha ha!
We are such a lucky lot 😉 but, don’t tell anyone, it’s our secret 😉
Am off to noddy land in a minute so, have a great day there 🙂
No matter what you do today, be happy 🙂
Don’t let anyone steal your happy day cause it’s a gift from me too you 🙂
PR xoxo
Oh and credit/debit also factors in. We can put ourselves indent with love or money– we can also be vulnerable to letting us– for instance–Soc has poor love credit– it’s a bad risk to invest in him/her we take gamble– sometimes win but eventually our bets cause loss as he/she is pro racketeer, loan shark & money launderer working on supply/demand!!! Serious.
We need to make higher investment in ourselves, protect that investment & diversify!! Know risk, cost, benefit & check/balance. I have never balanced a check book– I mess up and have had some surprise with overdraft, bouncing & late charges— all similar in relationships! There have been times when I was much more secure & aware– usually in all areas 🙂
When we have debt it blocks flow– before we introduce love we should pay off any debt or have strategy, discipline, means in place or we are not free–and we also need to have strategy, discipline in place for that con current relationship to be nurtured, credited, restored 😉
Soc create increased debt in our lives — because or time, money, love, energy is basically going to an empty addiction & empty pie in the sky scam– we go all in because they are pro salesman using the slickest marketing , false advertising & targeting our particular buying trends!!!! Our vulnerability to selling ourselves short comes if we perceive we need someone outside of ourselves to be complete, happy. It’s the perfect trend forecast for soc scam.
I just recently paid a debt off that was hanging over me, adding late charges-/ as I chose wants over needs– it’s paid & clear. Now I only have grad debt- I know I must give back in a very particular way to show up & make good on loan. I can work for non profit for 10 years and have loan forgiveness– isn’t that interesting??? The symbolism. I needed to care about self enough & first while with soc to keep looking for work. I lost confidence, interest & passion– as it was going to soc & trying to make sense– motivation tapped & zapped. Another interesting thing– I asked him to help me with my résumé as his love bomb letters were so crafty– and over the top as they were/- he could write & convey whatever! He did work with me to create it ( he claims to be editor — is good– also at editing his life!)and the résumé I recently pulled up was a team effort– I did have a moment of gratitude– but realized it was also a stumbling block– as it was an honest way for him to come through for me instead of the love bomb lettered– of course it also was to his benefit– he was a hero that I complimented & legitimized. I got distracted from self care & thoughts of la la land happy ever after– I see how imprtant it is to value ourselves, time, talent & treasure with gratitude & to also notice, compliment & appreciate the talent, treasure, time of others–to test and invest wisely– honestly, legit. Illegal vs legal is imprtant to discern– I’m pretty sure there was shady activity with soc though I only have hunch–we are complicit & putting ourselves in debt if things are not on the up and up– it’s a foolish risk & what for? The soc had little self love in true sense– always sabatoging self and tried to do same to me. That is not love. So I’m going to work at getting my needs met, safe risk & investment, check & balance– more love & resource in the bank — each day a new opportunity to chose credit not debit in account. I’m only using credit within my means, in emergency– and discipline to fulfill responsibly with love. It’s trial& error–living, loving, learning & most important sharing ( double blessing!)EL
Continue packing for move! Great weekend everyone!
@ Positivagirl
I hope you are right and she will go too far with her thefts & ruining innocent peoples lives eventually . The Police are fully aware of her , but she is so careful to muddy the waters and confuse things , there is always
” Plausible deniability ”
A phrase coined I believe by Jordan Belfort aka ” The Wolf of Wall Street ” who defrauded 100 ‘s of millions of dollars from innocent investors .
I hope & pray you are right and she gets caught & convicted at some point . The main problem is that she pays her bills with her Yankee Candle suppliers from the money stolen from the men she has defrauded who can t go to the police for fear of being accused of raping her . Its a perfect crime so far .
Nick
It’s just awful Nick. I do understand your frustration and sense of injustice. They rule through fear and threats. It’s just criminal what they get away with. Last police interaction. With my ex he managed to convince them I was mentally unwell and what a hero he was. Aragh.
Its quite unbelievable , one of her former husbands was actually ( and still is ) a Policeman in the city that we all live in . He can t touch her .
I ve been told she gave him a good stuffing , but he has remarried and doesn t want to get involved.
The ex (before me ) has an industrial cleaning firm , he told me that as he was defrauded for less than £ 10,000 he thinks he has got off lightly ! ( I agree with him ) . He doesn t want any allegations made against him or bad publicity .
Unfortunately between us all she has stolen enough money to run 3 ( soon to be 4 ) Yankee Candle outlets , totally free of charge and able to produce her a sizeable income along with her wedding dress shop that she stole the money from her ex husband to fund .
Its an unpleasant situation for us all watching this thing swanning round in a brand new Audi A6 that we have all paid for and living in a £ 500 000 mansion at the entrance to the Gower Peninsula , an area of outstanding natural beauty , while we struggle on a daily basis to make sure that our children ( not with her thank God ) can still have some sort of quality of life .
I just hope we all find the strength to pull through from somewhere.
Nick
Hi Nick 🙂
At the end of the day, all that she has is material & nothing more.
You however have knowledge & support & no doubt, people that truly love you 🙂
We come into the world with nothing & go out the same way but, what we have when we are here is not measured by our posessions but, our value as people & something tells me, she’s got no real value.
You have so, remember that & continue to grow & work on your values & capacity to love cause, you got loads more wealth than she’ll ever have!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
You are very tough Positivagirl , I honestly don t know how you do it , its taken me I think nearly 8 months to now be able to speak freely about it to you guys . I guess its because I have come to realise that virtually everyone who posts here has had a severe mauling of some kind or another .
I don t know if this is common , but I think the male spaths ( I use that term loosely as they disgust me ) accuse the women they tear to pieces of being mentally unhinged , bunny boiler stalkers , while the female spaths cry rape , assault , threats to kill ( or worse )
Male spaths can t really throw the ” I ve been raped ” into the mix , they would never be taken seriously , so inventive little souls that they are , they just make something believable up , then sit back and laugh as the female gets angry and confirms her mental instability .
Siiiiiiiiples ( as a famous meerkat once said )
You have my extreme sympathy , for what its worth , I don t think you re mad .
On the other hand perhaps its all of us that are mad ? Who knows ? We could drive ourselves mad thinking about it 😮
Nick
Ah no. I am far from tough. I was once very scared. Recently my back went and I couldn’t walk. I thought how my dead daughters father walked out. With no empathy guilt remorse or shame. I couldn’t walk could barely get to the toilet. It made me realise a lot of things. If anything I was brave but only because I had to. It was either be brave or suicide. But alas I wasn’t brave enough for suicide. But thank god for all those experiences as those experiences create this website and the wonderful people who visit 🙂
P.S.
Most of the truly great people of our lifetime had or have very few possessions, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Dalai Lama, Malcolm X, Martin Luther, Nelson Mandela etc…not wealthy but, empathy & conscience that is immeasurable & healed the world in many, many ways. I’d rather be poor & fight for human rights any day than be rich with no moral standards like our Sociopaths!
@PR
Sorry Phoenix , I sound like I m moaning about the stolen cash from my own personal point of view …. If I can qualify it a bit more..,.,
The cash was earmarked to help my Daughters through life ( first car etc ) it was just a very temporary loan to the spath to assist her .
That is smashed forever now , my Daughters will have grown up by the time I can ( if ever ) replace the money .
If you like I suppose , that is what sticks in my throat when I am having it shoved in my face daily ( Swansea and Llanelli are quite small places unfortunately )
Its something I will have to come to terms with eventually as there is no chance of her repaying not even a penny . It is so unfair and criminal .
😦
Nick
Awww Nick,
I am so sorry to read about your loss & I emphasize fully 😦
My ex-husband (pre-soc), walked out after 19 years & we lost everything 😦
Most importantly was my childrens education was affected.
Not to mention their lives were turned upside down & inside out. We lost our home, car, business etc….
I had to relocate miles away from all of their friends & schools.
I managed to commute daily from home, school, job, school, home etc…for 10 years now. It’s been a long hard haul & all their friends went to private schools & had stability.
I am proud to say that my daughter has done very well but, who knows what opportunities her life may have had?
My son is still grappling with the losses & still says, he hasn’t been truly happy since he was 6 years old 😦
His Dad chose to leave without any thought that it was his 6 th birthday & 3 weeks before Christmas. There was no warning, he just up & literally left to pursue his new life with the receptionist of our business & my friend. I employed her due to an accident I had so, was unable to work in our business.
Still though, I have kept going & unfortunately made the tragic mistake if letting a Soc into my life.
So, here I am 10 years on & I am okay 🙂
Wow what a journey we have been on.
It’s like we are all on a rollercoaster ride & some are sitting at the front, facing their fears, whilst others are in the middle just hanging on & I am up the back with my hands in the air screaming ‘I want to get off now’ lol
I am just about arriving at the last stop & getting off at Acceptance 🙂
When I got on the ride, I had no idea how long it was going to go for but, I finally decided to ‘get off’, throw up in the bin, wipe my face & get on a nice cruisey boat & keep sailing down the river of life with me at the helm 😉
Good Luck & I will see you on the next boat soon & if you need a life preserver, I will throw you a line 😉
Keep going as it does get better, I promise 🙂
Love & Light 😉
PR xoxo
Bit late reply, but thank you for welcoming me on the site…typial of a sociopath telling he is the good guy his exes ar all mentally not ok…here the same story… al his exes were stalking him and had serious mental problems….and the worst is that people believed him…. I wouldnt be surprises he is telling now the same about me that I am mentally also not ok…luckily I know who I am and that I am perfectly healthy in heart and mind. I know he will fall one day very hard…
Hi marjolijn, I am glad that you know that you know yourself well to know you are healthy in heart and mind.
It is amazing how the sociopath can make us feel like we are the ones with the problem. Mine has the same history with exes, they all “took him for a ride”, cheated on him, were untrustworthy, had mental issues, were abusive, etc, etc I have no doubt that he talks poorly about as well now.
One of the very first red flags with my Ex was how very poorly he talked about his ex-wife, on our very first date. That should have been a monumental warning right there, but somehow I let myself look right past that.
I really don’t care what they think anymore . Thanks to this site I’ve gathered enough ammunition through reading and learning to send him packing .
In the end it was I who exposed him as a Sociopath . He must still be reeeling from how I figured it out .
He can say whatever he wants about me I DON’T CARE !!!!!
But he better stay away from my door !
You will get there se day soon .
Peace&Love always !
@ Positivagirl
I m very glad that you aren ‘t brave enough for the suicide option as this site wouldn’t have come from you !
It has been a Godsend to me although I didn’t say too much at first I could see people saying similar things over & over again . The more I read books and internet articles on this subject , the more I realised there must be millions & I mean millions of victims of these things out there , worldwide .
Can we even comprehend how many in every country in the world ?
Its unbelievable how a psychopath / sociopath in Australia will do similar things to one in India or Russia .
Who knows how many people will contribute eventually to your wonderful , inspired work.
This could be the truly global site that eventually leads to something being done about these aberrations BEFORE they can damage the rest of us .
You have created something special here , a once in a lifetime thing , I have little doubt about that .
Thankyou to you and everyone else for their kind words and actually understanding what everyone has been through .
Nick 🙂
@Nick and Positiva, awareness of this conduct is necessary. I asked the health teacher of my daughter s’ school to include the theme on her class and she included it with the characteristics list too. My daughter doesnt know about my suggestion and when we were studying for the test she just said, “I’ll just remember “Pinnochio” and will know the answer to that question” 😎
NMI
I like it ……. Pinocchio …. Ha ha
Agreed Nick!
Thank you for such kind words Nick. I really appreciate it 🙂
No probs , look after yourself
Regards
@PR
Sweet dreams my dear , while you get a good nights rest you recharge your battery’s so you can spread the joy again tomorrow .
Peace&Love
@ PR
I just don t know what to say to you 😦
If I had a magic wand ……You have had it much tougher than me without a doubt , not that it makes me feel better , these things should be erased from the planet
Awww Nick 🙂
Please don’t worry about me, my journey to my healing has been drawn out but, vital.
I know that the ‘knowing’ others have it harder or easier makes no difference to where you are right now because you are still processing the pain & anger & the awareness of these ‘things’ is overwhelming.
I just wanted you too feel that you are not alone & that whilst our journey is unique to us each individually, we are ‘united & divided we fall’ 🙂
Just keep focusing on your healing, it comes at a cost because, you have to transition through all the awful grief/pain/anger/sadness/loss but, as you cycle through these zones just, keep digging deep & know that they do pass in your own time frame.
This site is an amazing stepping stone to recovery & understanding but, the hard work is yours & believe me YOU are worth it 🙂
I am going strong & the past is behind me for a reason & I look forward to the future & what my ‘clarity’ has allowed me to ‘see’.
I do however, live in the present moment & appreciate my self, my family, my friends & everything is flourishing 🙂
I am alone but, not lonely & I am happy 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I have a new map to my life cause, I held the first map upside down 😉
@ PR
🙂
Thanks
Nick
I would like,everyone on here…to know…I am the idiot of the century. I should be made,to wear a dunce camp that say’s LOW SELF ESTEEM…and walk around wearing it for a month. I did the the worst thing. Yes,I broke NC. Not him,but me. round of applause please! I emailed him,last week,asking if he still had my pilates machine in storage and how could I get it back(this was 90% a legit email) He said he had,I said “Okay,I will get back to you,when I am available to get it” left it at that,got distracted with work….Woke up yesterday,hungover(I do not drink very often,I do not go out very often) and horney. We all know the hangover horney’s….So,I was hungover,lonely,bored…I emailed him,asking if he could drop it off at the pilates studio…he said “you can come over,I don’t bite” I didn’t want to go to his new digs,after living with the guy for 4 years…I didn’t even try to play strong whilst emailing him,I finally said “Just bring it over,Im fine with that” he gets here,I look awesome,I acted all calm and cool…he broke down sobbing saying”how ashamed he was for leaving me in the predicament I was In” It was real shame…but im not stupid…it was his shame,not concern for me…we talked for awhile about when went wrong,blah blah blah…he came in…and …you guessed it….we had sex for hours….he stayed the night…this a.m. he looked shellshocked,and couldn’t wait to get out of here. And I get it? Im hurt,I don’t know if its just the fact he really doesn’t want me anymore…If its just rejection..or if im not in love with with him anymore,or if what happened last night is gonna hit me later. I don’t know. But man…he couldn’t wait to leave. And as I said,the sick part is…I get why he wanted to get out of here asap? Okay troupes,Bring it on….I came here,as a confessional.
Awwww Bobbie Jeane 🙂
We are not here to judge you, you are human & that’s the difference between you & him.
You are emotionally attached whereas, he isn’t!
You have to go back & start again & we will walk with you all the way 🙂
NO CONTACT=NO FURTHER HEARTBREAK= YOU WIN 🙂
Don’t beat yourself up or foe us to say ‘WTF!’…;)
Only you can set yourself free, do the best you can but, really start to look within & love yourself as you deserve someone that appreciates you & doesn’t bail once they get what they want.
Stay Human Bella….take care 🙂
Love & Light & A BIG HUG (((0)))
PR xoxo
@Bobby Jeane, I lost count of how many times I had broken the no contact, of how many times I had relapsed. I was…I am…literally addicted to him, and as an drug addict or an alcoholic I need to recognize that I can’t live with something that harm me. It takes discipline, it takes a great effort, but really, no contact is the first step to your freedom. So please, turn around that cape and use it to be a superheroe of your own life. You deserve it!
@ it is done
Thanks for your words on the subject as well , Iisten to everyones point of view , I like a nice rational” its a biological problem ” myself , but this thing is so utterly evil to other people my faith in science has been shaken to the core .
Nick
@PR
Sorry ! The replies aren t hitting my inbox for some reason !
Delivery Man – we went to see , funny in parts , but sad as well , I didn t move when she was asleep on me – I just held her for an hour or so munching a few chocolates 🙂
Hi Celeste ,
Apologies , just seen your reply . Thankyou , yes , just baby steps with my daughters really , I took my eldest for some food & get her phone screen fixed in Swansea yesterday , simple stuff – tough for me to do without their lovely Mum , I m always expecting her to be there , I m resigned to the fact that it s never going to happen – the spath has taken care of that well & truly .
The tens of thousands that the spath stole from me along with the Candle shops are meaningless to me compared the damage that this truly evil thing has done to my relationship with my Daughters . It convinced me that they were hacking my accounts when all along it was her .
The hurt that they feel that I doubted them will never be fully repaired . I see the sadness in their eyes , they can t comprehend how I could doubt them , I can t answer it , it runs me through like a poisoned dagger on a daily basis .
As for their Mum Jane , she can never get past me believing the spath ,that she was cheating on me.
Really had a proper job done on my relationships with Jasmine , Tyler and Jane . I don t think I will ever recover properly from this .
Hi Nick 🙂
Sometimes, the best thing to do it admit to your loved ones that you made a huge mistake & will regret how it affected them but, you were blinded & could not see the truth.
My daughter hated my Spath & we argued over him on more than one occasion & my beautiful son had personal issues & my spath took some of my attention off of him & I am now rebuilding that boy 🙂
My daughter is mini me so, we are absolutely going to clash.
I feel like I’m arguing with myself when we get going 😉
We have a fantastic bond & at the end of the day, both my kids love me & tell me I’m the greatest, with all my flaws 😉
Still, I will endeavor to make up for any damage I may have inadvertently caused them 😦
My son sat up with me all night when I got the 1st email from the OW exposing the Soc’s escapades etc…my son held my hand & looked deep into my eye’s & said, “Don’t worry Mum, I am here”…broke my heart. He then followed me to work the next day as I had been shattered to a million pieces 😦 he was worried I might do something silly 😦
My daughter arrived home with Champagne, Lindt Choc’s my fave,gits & a beautiful card 🙂
Naturally I had to share 😉
They know how much I cared for the Soc but, they were & are always my first priority.
They have forgiven me for not seeing him as they did (children know so much)….
Just work on healing your own broken heart & once it’s whole again, make amends & make peace with the simple words, ‘I Love You’, over & over until they believe it again & you love yourself as well 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Nick, never give up…that’s the Soc’s ultimate desire so, gather yourself & don’t let her win!!!
It’s a fool game Nick but, the biggest fool of all is the Soc fooling themselves 😉
Your a WINNER Nick, remember that & think it & go out & be pro-active & fix the mess & never give up 🙂
PR xoxo
A joke for you:
What is the brand name for the Soc’s Toilet Paper?
BS, Extra, Extra length for all the Sh#t that didn’t come out of your mouth! 😉
LOL….I’m on a Roll….Get It…on a roll….xoxo PR…
Keep your humor people it’s the best resource so, put a smile on your dial 🙂
Ha ha , yes you are right , its a tough one though starting again .
Just got to tough it out though . I have to work with the spaths new boyfriend , even his mates have warned him he is next …….the fool !
Awww Nick 🙂
It’s called ‘torture by triangulation’ & she just wants to taunt you like the ‘cat & mouse game’…argh!!!
Well you are not alone there, my spath contacted me after 10 months NC & it currently triangulating me with the OW!
I have contact with her & she’s really lovely & still with him so, he’s playing her & I off…he told me he misses me etc…blah blah…he’s such a fool! I don’t care about him & I don’t want to be part of his stupid games…argh!
I have been moving on & acceptance is mine so,it’s early days for you so, stay here, keep reading & supporting. We will support you so, rest assured you are not alone.
Just keep focused on your own repair work, shore yourself up daily with positive affirmations, write notes to yourself, play the ‘power ballads’ you love & stay NC.
Fix your own life & keep going, we’ve got you back here.
Stand strong, head up & never look back 🙂
Don’t worry about the other guy, he will find out the hard way.
The less you engage the better, say little & be happy 🙂
Love & Light & willpower to you 🙂
PR xoxo
@PR
Sorry ! Just got your one about my ex wife .
Yes , I truly love her , the lies I believed about her led me to leave in a fit of temper , by the time I calmed down several months had passed by (I didn t even speak to her for 3 months or so )
I have left her with no doubt that I love her to bits and I m devastated for doubting her and my really unacceptable response and behaviour afterwards .
Unfortunately she has been seeing someone for about 8 months now , she is adamant she can t forgive me . She is very nice to me by text etc. but we never meet up any longer , I don t know what to say , it makes me very very sad .
Nick
Nick, write to her & woo her back but, be mindful that you may have to let her go 😦
You have a lot of hard work ahead but, if it’s she’s worth it too you & it’s meant to be, give it your best shot 🙂
Don’t undermine her other relationship though as it’s her ‘rebound man’ & he might be right for her?
Just love yourself, you made a mistake, an error of judgement, welcome to the club, you are not alone there!
I had better do some work or I’ll be out on my backside….All the best Nick & GOODLUCK…..I have a good feeling about this 🙂
Love PR xoxo
P.S.Send her flowers, her favorite things, write how she makes you feel & what you see in her, her ways, her movements, her, her, her everything….your Penny Lover 🙂
I will do the best I possibly can .
Thankyou
X
@ PR
Yes , you are spot on ” Torture by triangulation ” it is . Everyone in work knows he is next as they are all well aware of the guys that she has ruined before me ( most are well known businessmen in the Swansea area )
Some fairly unpleasant stuff ( threats , lies about me and her ex husband ) has come from his mouth , he has been with her about 9 months now ( he was sleeping with her when I was living with her for about 3 months or so before that it appears , usual stuff )
We all know how it ends for him , it is richly deserved in his case as he actively ” went for it ” if you like . He can t understand why the rest of us have dived for cover and are all NC big time .
I think he will be posting on this site soon enough
🙂
” fools rush in where Angels fear to tread ”
I may send him that phrase when he has been annihilated
Peace to you as well
Nick
Hi Nick 🙂
I heard this song & thought of you 🙂
It may resonate with you 🙂
PR xoxo
I hope the rain washes me clean soon ……….
Thanks 🙂
Nick
Nick, you will be dancing in the light soon so, keep going 🙂
Remember, the way to a woman’s heart is from the heart!
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Nick;
I found out about the OW while I was still married to the SP. The part of me that is kind and loving wanted to warn her once I realized his true nature. But there is a part of me that feels she is going to have to live with the consequences of her own actions. After all, she knowingly entered into a relationship with a married man.
I am very gingerly exploring my options for no longer feeling guilty about anything that happens to him (or the OW). I say gingerly because it is so not me to knowingly leave another person hurting, especially when there is something I can do to help stop it. But I’ve come to realize that causing pain is how he found pleasure and there is nothing I can really do to stop him from his insane pleasure seeking activities. Make sense??
Celeste
Hi Celeste 🙂
Just send the OW love & light as she will be you soon enough 😦
I will tell you more soon but, I read your comment & wanted to send you a song 🙂
Listen carefully 😉
Big Hugs & Love & Light 🙂
PR oxox
Hey PR;
Listening intently and glad to know that I will begin to have songs that do not trigger the tears.
XXXOOO
Hi Lost2camelot,.
Remember that when you are walking, look down & those footprints ahead are all the other’s leading the way 🙂
Don’t look back as you will see your own & it won’t be long before others are filling your shoes.
Use music to soothe you & give you strength, power ballads etc…something that talks to you & empowers you.
When we pass the baton to the next victim, we hand them a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse so, depending how long they keep trying to defuse it, inevitably it will ‘blow up’ & hopefully the damage is fixable.
Remember this is your story, your journey & this chapter is a tragic one but, you get to write the ‘cliff-hanger’ at the end or the ‘happy ending’ etc…keep writing those chapters of love, loss & survival.
‘It’s not over til the fat lady sings & I am neither fat nor can I sing!’ LOL
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
Hi Celeste ,
I have little desire to let him know whats coming , mutual friends have told him the hell she put me through , he thinks I made it all up so its his own fault when it finally tries to destroy him I suppose . He s been very unpleasant to me & about me to the lads in work so its his own look out . I ve had some pretty serious threats from him , you can just imagine the lies that she makes up about me to him to wind the situation up for a fight between us ( we both have boxed so she would love it to happen . A fight ” over her ” )
I am just polite and walk away as best I can . I don t want to know him or have anything to do with him .
Nick
@PR
I sent my Wife a text today , I just told her that even if she can t forgive me , that I forgive her completely ( in reference to her affair previously ) and that I will love her for the rest of my life.
I finally understand the term unconditional love now , I just love her very very deeply and thats it . The odds are she will never forgive me, but at least I ve told her .
Nick
Awww Nick,
That’s a huge step for you & an amazing gift to give 🙂
Ask her for the same as it’s a huge relief. It does not excuse behaviour but, it releases the pain & anger & shifts the weight of loss & betrayal.
Now, forgive yourself 🙂
Send her flowers & this song, along with a heart in a beautiful box etc…your heart & tell her she will always keep if. Forever & unconditionally as your heart represents YOU 🙂
Tell her that the loss of her will be your lifelong regret. Wish her happiness & joy & set her free if that is what she wishes but, do it with love in your heart….Good Luck Nick…..:)
Love & Light & unconditional Luck too you 🙂
PR xoxo
Thanks 🙂
You got me a bit with your reply , crying like a baby really , its lucky no one can see me .
Jane didn t speak about the content of my text, but she did respond and we spoke about other things back fore for quite a while . I just don t know what is going on for her , she is lovely to me most of the time , but she just keeps it light , I m lucky she even speaks to me I suppose .
Thanks for the advice yet again 🙂
Nick
makes me remember a conversation my ex-soc started with me about the darwin theory, highlighting the survival of the fittest, and spoke of it as though its logic was all the justification needed to live by that theory and said that he himself lives by that theory. imagine someone with no moral compass who is forced to live among us but isn’t one of us so has to learn our ways and fake it to fit in living by that theory. they observe that our way of life on the surface is needing money to survive. why in their (not so) right mind would they go out and obtain it the same way we do? a living being without compassion or remorse is going to see yours and take it. by existing like they already do, wearing a mask to seemingly fit in, fooling us is already easy to them. so why go out and bust their ass earning it the hard way when its right there under their noses and they ALREADY have us all fooled? a person without a moral compass is going to shake their heads at just how dumb we all are, and how much smarter they are. therefore they are stronger than us, and we are weak, the weaker they actively make us, the more they survive the easy way, and the stronger they become. that’s just the way the world works in their eyes. its just survival to them.
Wow. You’ve described my situation exactly. I believed his lies. Married him. Before I knew where I was he’d cleaned me out. As soon as I told him my money was finishing, he trawled the internet for (multiple) victims. He left me, slandered me – she’s bad, threw me out, had affairs – all not true. It was him. He gave me an STI. Came back a few times for sex/food/money when no others were available. I finally woke up. No contact 6 months. Bumped into him accidentally. He tried for sex again. I refused (nicely – said I misunderstood his message). No contact since then. 7 years’ later I can’t believe what happened. I had money. Now nothing. Need a divorce badly but my income is slightly higher and I’m careful with money so I will probably try to clean me out legally. He won’t work and spends his welfare (and under the counter business) on gambling, women, drugs and alcohol. What happened? He drove me into a depression then dropped me.
I’m going through this right now. The way they are the way they place the victim, make you believe that it was your idea. Last year when I was with my ex where he was staying when working away he had to leave (the landlord was selling). He didn’t have the money to put a deposit and had rubbish credit also so was worried about that. So I offered, it benefited me as the flat would allow me to stay there in the week also as I also worked near where he worked just not all the time; a few days a week.
I asked my father and he lent my ex the money. My ex said he would pay back a bit each month, within a month it was over. I found out after that following the borrowing the money he was already seeing someone else; so he knew that when he borrowed the money (not a small amount either over £3,000). It seems through a bank statement I found he was treating the girl he was seeing to meals out at £150 a pop, £200 jewellery from Tiffanys etc. This was March 2014.
It’s nearly 1 year on, Im still fighting for the money. Initially you think they will pay, believe they will because if you do you can believe in your heart they are not the liar, manipulator that they are starting to appear. A few months went by, he went on holiday, more meals out etc and still nothing. So we went to small claims court, he admitted he owed the money and offered a grand total of £50 a month! Said he had loans and credit cards, which as I was aware didn’t because of bad credit, hence why he borrowed from my dad in the first place.
The court ordered 4 months of payments after we didn’t accept as we provided evidence of possible lies on the budget form he gave. He missed the first payment, we applied and got a warrant.
We went to the county court and then the high court and now high court enforcement. Two addresses down, as he abandoned the flat he borrowed money for in the first place. Im sure his girlfriend, soon to be mother of his second child doesn’t know this. I can assume the deposit was lost, the landlord put a notice on the door looking for him.
So back to a trace, its heartbreaking. I know I haven’t done anything wrong but I am being treated so badly. Im on a line I can’t cross and step forward as I’m stuck. After another address dead end, (possible credit at a false address that lead us there to start with). Back to the drawing board.
As a victim I can’t do a lot, i want to send him and her an email but they would probably do me for harassment, even though I haven’t harassed juts asked for money that is owed. I am starting to have angry which has been kept in for so long, which he made me feel guilty about because he supposedly had depression. I have anger and no release.
Hi Northernstar, is there anyway that you can write off this money? I know it is heartbreaking to feel that you have been financially ripped off. But do you know that he gets off on the energy that you put into pursuing him for the money? He gets off on getting away with it, again and again and again (see the post dupers delight and the joy of conning)….. I know this is upsetting. Realise that if he was going to pay you back he would. Clearly he isn’t. Each time you pursue him, he gets yet another rush of endorphines to the brain, as once again he has duped you. It is only money. Think how much it is costing you in health, stress, anxiety and still being tied to him. Let it go…. and I think that things will improve for you. it doesn’t mean that he has won. It means that you have won, and that you realise that you and your health are worth more than money, or anything that he can offer you. At the end I thought, you know what? It is worth it to lose the money – to get rid of YOU.
Sometimes the best decision is not do anything. I don’t want to lose more of myself on him so I just think that I lost money (a lot) , but that was the price to get myself back…it also a good way to avoid the temptation of feeling nidtakgic about him
This is what happened to me. I thought we were a couple.Once I was sucked into his web, and had given him money, I felt like a gambler, always putting more into the game and waiting for the big pay-off. More like the big kiss-off!
Then you are stuck as you are then ‘invested’ emotional investment, financial investment….. it is a simple mind trick, but effective.
You’r right @positivegirl I know I’m so stuck right now. I have written off 5 figures already of my own money. This is my families now and that I feel strongly about. I know I have been stupid and I accept that but it just doesn’t seem fair that my family can right it off too. It wasn’t there mistake it was mine. They can’t be fooled either. I know it is taking all my time and energy but this may sound strange without that at the minute I have nothing? I know he doesn’t want to pay me back and if there wasn’t any legal backing I wouldn’t persist but he admitted owing the court the money, but now is doing avoidance, hiding and instead going out to expensive restaurants instead… I just hope one day I can put myself first I can barely get angry right now let alone do stuff for me
Reblogged this on Diary of a Disenchanted Diva and commented:
Still trying to climb out of the pit a year on.
This sounds a lot like my boyfriend. I don’t _think_ he’s a sociopath (I wouldn’t describe him that way, anyway); but I see a similarity in the pattern you describe. Dated a couple of years and he was generous with some lavish gifts that I didn’t think he could really afford. Planned a future together; because I have a house and a stable job, he quit his job to move in with me (it was a long-distance relationship). Now I’m paying all of our bills (mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc.) plus his personal expenses (car insurance, cell phone, student loans) until he finds a “real job” (he works part time). He is now considering applying to grad schools. In a few months of living together, I’ve paid $8000 toward his bills (not counting things like utilities & food). I have (thankfully) backed out of our engagement (I really do not want my personal finances to be legally enmeshed with him) but now I have to figure out how to get him out of my house, and out of my life. It would be a lot easier if he had a “real job” and could support himself, and if he hadn’t given up a job to move in with me and start our life together. Now I’m paying all the bills and doing all the housework, and anything I do or say that he doesn’t like is labelled “emotional abuse.” I am seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to disentangle myself.
I have a dilemma I would appreciate advice on. The sp is out of my house finally and moved in with his next victim (June 2016). Thankfully this has reduced my expenses immensely as I’m no longer supporting him. Unfortunately, I didn’t discover this website and have my eyes opened until this week so I’ve been foolishly trying to bring the dream back to life. He did steal a few thousand from me via credit card fraud while he lived here. I could still press charges but I don’t think my guilt will let me do that and I’m okay with letting that go.
My question is – He is in possession of a vehicle I paid for. He started the purchase of it but, of course, didn’t finish paying for it. Thinking I was smart, I registered the vehicle in my name as I wasn’t going to give him a free car. I am still paying insurance on the car since it’s registered to me and I don’t want to get in trouble legally. Now that I know what is happening, do I ask for the car back or just give it to him? I would like to sell the car to try to recoup some of my losses. But, if that’s not a good idea, I could just sign the registration over to him and at least stop paying insurance on it. The vehicle is valued at about $2000. I don’t need or want it.
Suggestions?
PRESS CHARGES. if the car is in your name, get the car back it doesn’t belong to him. You could get it back and sell it? I think this man has really taken advantage of your good nature.