Dealing with complex feelings and emotions after a mentally abusive relationship – get your feelings out!

 how do i feel

Sometimes it can be difficult to know, how do you feel? I don’t know if this is an appropriate post for this website. I will write it here anyway, in case it does resonate with anybody.

The reason that I say ‘I don’t know if it is appropriate for this website’ is I am unsure if it is to do with the relationships, or the scattered thoughts that can come with PTSD.

There is only one time in my life, that I felt two opposing emotions that were exactly opposite, at the same time. Not alternatively, but at the same time. Before this happened, I didn’t know it was possible. I felt elation, and devastation. At the very same time. This was when my granddaughter was  born 18 months after my daughter died at birth at full term, in the same hospital. I really did feel both emotions, at exactly the same time. Elation and devastation. I didn’t know it was possible to feel  TWO  opposing emotions at the same time. But it is… it has only ever happened once in my lifetime, perhaps it will never happen again.

It just goes to show that the mind, and emotions are complex. We as human beings are complex. When awful things happen to us, our brains can struggle to cope with the diversity of feelings that are going on inside of us.

Mind mapping and brainstorming

Mind mapping and brainstorming can be a really useful tool, when you are feeling

  • Out of control
  • Lost
  • Confused
  • Disorientated

It can be a really useful tool when you have been mentally abused. Especially by a sociopath who has been nice to your face, and behind your back caused mayhem and destruction. Your feelings might be polar opposite. You might still be in love with the illusion that was presented to you,  but feel hatred, despair, at at the betrayal that was done to you.

When I do mind mapping and brain storming, I use a large piece of paper, in the centre draw a circle…… this circle represents the centre of you. The core of you. From this draw branches off that say how you feel.  No matter how random. Link those thoughts together. Put them into groups. Sometimes you will feel opposing thoughts. It doesn’t matter. This is you, for you. It is a useful tool when you are feeling, lost, disorientated, confused, in pain, and struggling to cope with racing feelings, and conflicting emotions.

The benefits of mind mapping and brainstorming

Mind mapping and brain storming can be really useful when you find that your mind is constantly changing how you feel, when you are feeling lots of different things at once. Seeing the contents of your mind, can help you to find some sense of order. Also, it can allow you to regain  a sense of control, and to find some clarity in your mind, and work towards inner peace.

If you have been mentally abused, there are many different senses of self, you might feel lost and not even sure what is the truth, or even how you should think or feel anymore. You might have been made to feel guilty for having your own thoughts and feelings. Your thoughts may have been so manipulated and controlled, that you might struggle to get your thoughts in order.

Having so many different thoughts and feelings running through your head, can cause anguish, and mental turmoil. You can literally mentally torture yourself.

What to  do with mind mapping and brain storming

  • Be honest
  • Don’t be afraid to write exactly how you feel
  • Keep it safe, you need to know that this is something for you, that this is your own safe space, you don’t want anybody to use it against you
  • If you don’t feel safe writing things down, you can do it, and then destroy it afterwards
  • Keep a mind mapping journal. You can see your recovery
  • Just getting your feelings down on paper can make you feel better. It is a release.

If you want to, you can use mind mapping and brain storming to create goals that  you want to achieve. You will probably find that once you start and get going that you find it difficult to stop. I find that I won’t stop until everything that I am feeling is down on paper.

What is the purpose of it?

The purpose is to let out how you are feeling. Getting your feelings onto paper, is a good way to just ‘release’. I am not saying that it is going to make you feel instantly better. But it should certainly help with the racing thoughts in your head. All of the things that are bothering you. All of the anger, hurt, or even things that you feel grateful for in your life. We all have some good in our life, even when it has been burned to the ground. almost always there is something to feel good about… let this be the foundation from which you can build. Write the good, the bad, the happy the sad, the everything. Everything. Empty your mind onto the piece of paper. Emptying your mind should help you to (at least temporarily) feel some sense of clarity and peace within, and help with mental torment.

Everybody on this site, is at different stages of healing and recovery. So this post might not be relevant for everybody. But I am sure that there will be one person that reads this that this will help. I know that it does help me. It usually makes me feel a bit better. It is especially useful if you are feeling angry. It can be easier to do than writing lists. I believe quite strongly, that to release, you need to find some way to let it out. Sometimes – its better out than in – if you don’t have someone to talk to… this can be a useful. If nothing else – it is a good starting point!! 🙂

If you don’t feel like writing it down on paper and are more comfortable typing there are a lot of apps that you can use. A lot can be found here http://mashable.com/2013/09/25/mind-mapping-tools/

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014

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113 thoughts on “Dealing with complex feelings and emotions after a mentally abusive relationship – get your feelings out!

  1. I love these exercises, positiagirl! Yes it is a valuable tool for all of us that have been put thru the wringers of a sociopath! I also find that an art project can be a great way to take your mind off of not only the mental strife, but the physical addiction of loss of physicalness. Look in your community for any way to get out and join others in a local project, or do some handy crafts at home ( or just pick a long put-off job around the house) and just do it! It makes you feel great, it keeps your mind engaged, and heals the soul, all at once.

    I still think that everyone is a gifted wonderful being, and anyone can do some paintings ( look at some of the crap that is considered expensive works from “masters”)- even if it looks like you used your feet! It doesn’t matter, it’s creativity, and it’s wonderful to create. The other writing exercises can help too, blogging on here is the first start. Engaging with others that have experienced your pain is a tremendous boost to the ego! We’ve all been victims here, and we all have this wonderful blog to share, relive, and let go * hopefully sooner than later!

    1. Absolutely Edaldude, I agree. What I find with art is that I look at the blank piece of paper and it stays blank. In fact the last time that I did one of these mind mapping, I wanted to do art… I got out the pastels, It was just blank…. whatever works. I think its great if you can get things out via art. 🙂 🙂 Anything as long as you get those feelings OUT….. not allow it to eat you up. I know that feeling,

  2. Thank you so much for this positiva, my mind is exactly like a violent yo-yo between love and hate, for my parents (one is dead), my siblings and the socios that I allowed into my life. Sometimes I hate myself so much for letting all of them hurt me. I drive myself crazy, I want out. I have stopped all contact with all of them but my mind is still racing I still end up depleted after a yo-yo session, so defeated.

    1. Aw, you know doing this can be therapeutic, it can help just to let it all out. You don’t have to worry about putting it into big words, or even sentences. You can link things together.

      It really can help. Just to release those feelings onto the blank piece of paper, and to look and to see what is going on within you, and within your mind.

      It can help to ease emotional pain….. even to see connections of things, that perhaps you haven’t seen before. You can write whatever you want… something for you, that comes from you!

  3. Positivagirl,

    You are a real sweetheart. This is very helpful information indeed. My recovery is going so well from spending time here for several months. Things are so much easier now. Thank you ❤

    Edaldude,

    Art is a great release. I enjoy drawing…with crayons! Lol. I have the biggest box they make. Picture this: I made a picture of a train with him on it, sticking his head out the window. Flames were blowing on top of his particular car. The other cars had lists if what was "leaving town" as well. I wrote things like reptilian, sadness, lies, dishonor, no hope, possible disease, paranoia, scary eyes, wreckless driving etc. many more. The engine of the train says 100% Guaranteed. The trash is leaving the station lol. A sign says where it's going…Nowhere-Wasteland. I could go on but there are many details I got off my chest months ago. It's great.

    WaAfrique,

    I have the same type of family. You're not alone. Not only are we getting rid if a psychopath but our family is challenging too. Keep coming here, take Positivagirls advice and make some art! 🙂

    1. Aw thank you bunny. Love the crayons idea. You know childrens things are therapeutic. Cartoons, children’s books anything that reminds you of your childhood is good for the soul. I bet crayons are good. What happened with your ex as you went back and left again. Is he leaving you alone now?

      1. Positivagirl,

        I changed my cell number about a month ago. He calls my parents number but he is blocked. (My service shows when even blocked numbers call). HE SIMPLY CANNOT REACH ME…HA! Thinking over and over of how GROSS he could be with numerous women (and men) really helped to turn me OFF. I was terribly addicted but made it through, thanks to you!

      2. Positivagirl

        Thanks a mill for the post, I am going to try that, tonight!!

        Coming up 3 mths now for me, and my healing is going really well. Somehow I feel – is it going too easy? I have been meditating and taking lots of vitamins etc and feel great, a sense of self and freedom..However, I still get the pangs and when I stop and think about it all, it makes me sad to think I was made an idiot of, and basically used… But on-wards and upwards. I LOVE this blog and its been a life saver for me, especially when I had no one to talk too, I had here and all you wonderful victors of these animals… We will all rise and shine and have lovely people into our lives again.. BUT we will be wiser. I am focusing on the future now and making the best of my life..

        @Edaldude – LOVE the crayon idea, and there is no shortage in this house, will deffo try that too…thanks Its all about mindfulness and accepting things, that has helped me immensely, thanks for the advice x
        @WaAfrique – I had a similar situation and had no other choice only to block these toxic people out, KEEP THEM OUT, don’t let them steal your peace and happiness they are not worth it!! You deserve to be happy, and if that means expelling them, so be it!

        Much love & peace

        Kits 🙂

      3. Thank you Kits…. 🙂 Sending love back to you!!

        Try not to be alarmed at how great you feel and how easy this is. It is easy, you just have to want to let go so that you can grow.

        Remember this…. in the relationship you are either

        a) Brain dead
        b) Brain Washed

        Now you are free…. if you set the person free…. you are free…. am pleased that you are moving to your new sense of freedom!! 🙂

    2. Bunnyshy, what a great visual I have of your “art nook” with your big box of crayons (my FAV!). I want some now! LOL But no rules, the medium you use doesn’t matter. Sketching with a pencil, collages of old pictures, whatever. I can’t wait to get with it and do something creative soon!

      But I wanted to commend you on the creativity of your ‘Train to Nowhere’ masterpiece! I think it sounds fantastic! I love it to talk to an artist with these types of themes to hear the “behind the art” story!
      You see stuff at local galleries or art shows and I must admit I think “what the hell brought this on?” LOL! Why I love the art shows of locals, you really are just floored at how creative folks are in their own way! We ALL are, not one of us doesn’t have this power! It’s magical!

  4. Hi Pos, 🙂
    Its smee again 😉 😉
    Love it & am going back to my art (yay)
    One of my best friends is a pre-school teacher & teaches a Reggio Amelia? Program where they let children explore through art among other things. It’s an Italian based teaching philisophy that basically believes that children are not empty vessels that you fill with information but, they are the opposite & if you don’t try & force their growth they develope naturally & are already full of wisdom & insight etc…anyhow, when they do art, they don’t stop. Each day, they can go back to whatever they have started & continue the journey until they feel it’s finished. The art they produce is amazing. I went to get my son years ago & his painting was just black???
    Ahhh but, then I got told the journey. He started out with a sun shiny day, Mum, Dad, house & flowers etc….over the day, he went back & added things, dog, cat, sister, rain & on it went. By the time I got to see it, the night-time had arrived in his picture so, he painted over the entire picture in black 🙂 so you see, sometimes it’s not what you see but, rather what you can’t 🙂
    Lifes like that journey, so after the dark falls, he went back the next day & out came the Sun & another beautiful scene/day evolved. 🙂
    We gave to keep finding our way back from the darkness & create another glorious day, sometimes with rain & storms but, always a new day 🙂

    Love & Light 🙂
    PR xoxo

    1. Pos,

      Art making, writing/journaling & dance help me tremendously. I am a firm believer in creative arts therapies– non verbal expression as alternative to using words — can be limited & so played by soc–silver tongued devils.

      Dancing has been really freeing me up– the expression, sweat, music — endorphin — healthy hits of self love for body, mind & spirit– detoxing/discharging negative emotions and soc out of system — I find its the only time im not thinking, analyzing etc– it clears the deck for emotions to be sorted as my body relaxes, releases & gets stronger ;)( my mind & heart too)

      color & art — even decorating my new place is like redecorating my life– choosing a new perspective & laying a new foundation with awareness of
      Of my needs — wanting my space to be a peaceful, nurturing place to rest & dream 😉 the act of creating in and of itself is refreshing & healing– with soc I felt trapped, stuck, limited & no real movement– no matter how I tried– he was not fluid! Writing, art making, dancing & creating is free, fluid act of creating, choice & expression with out interference from soc!! Thank you for reminding me– I’ve been dancing and love it as it has accelerated my healing– but I’m also going to make a little art nook in my place to help me experiment & break through other frozen areas — as a child I was very shy & would find peace & joy in art making– quietly & content with paints, pastels, colored pencils, markers, pottery wheel, collage– creative writing– sewing!! You have sparked some inspiration, I need to return to the little artist girl and see what she has to say! Also, ever do ” The Artist Way”? I did it 20 years ago! I’m remembering how helpful it was to write 3 pages continuous stream of consciousness without sensor every morning– it was challenging & exciting to emerge from that experience– it does free up blocks of all kinds & renew passion 😉 perhaps that’s something for me to explore again 2014 🙂 EL. Thank you for inspiration to go back to what I know and what has always been a source of peace for me!

      1. Empathetic love! OMG- see this confirms how connected all of us really are! My blessed mom enrolled me 10 years ago in this art course- ironically just up the street in my city out of an ‘artist commune’ center. I can’t tell you how much it helped to “blog to yourself” everyday, all the time. Never had writer’s cramp like back then. It was a several week process where you did a collage (from cut out magazine pics) to represent you, i.e.your past, present, and future. Lots of writing and reflecting, I still have my journals. Now the art part was what made me so happy, just like whenever I am doing something artsy-fartsy! LOL I painted a lily in watercolor, it’s creamy yellow with a green background in those soft oozy tones. I put it in my bathroom for awhile to remind me that I can create ( because I am a lazy artist). One of the reasons I missed art class in school. If I can just discipline myself to do regularly and continuously I know I can do it!

        I was led to this class back then because of a deep depression I fell in after a failed relationship of 1 year. I just could not get out of my funk, was unemployed back then as well, and life was seeming pretty bleak. Since mom was such a part of my life, she inquired with my godmom ( a brilliant professional artist in her own right) and she told her about this program. It does cost money and I had to acquire the book at a used book store, took some sleuthing. But it is all worth it if even you can look for the book at start doing the exercises alone. Create the art in your own place, journal on your own time. It’s all for you- the inner world of ourselves.

  5. Gees these iPhone typo’s are dyslexic!!! Gave should be have!!!
    Sheesh this phone is possessed or types in soc language, all gobblygooky 😉

    1. Hahaha!

      Your phone is possessed with sociospeak – that’s perfect.

      Word salad.

      Blah blah blah nothing blah confuse you blah blah contradict blah blah . . . .

  6. Hey, smee again!!!
    I had a dream & I was with the Soc & we were at the top of a mountain admiring an amazing view of the whole world. He was pointing out landmarks when, i felt pressure on my back.
    He was smiling as he shoved me off the mountain & I kept falling & falling & he was laughing 😦
    I realised this was how I felt, like my best friend had killed me!
    But, I didn’t die, I was very broken (spirit wise) but, alive 🙂
    I started to climb up the mountain, he threw rocks at me but, I was determined to climb up & whip his arse! I got stuck a few times & frozen in fear but, i let go & didn’t fall?
    I started flying up & up & he was trying to get away from me 😉
    I was so big & strong & I plucked him up & dropped him into a live volcano… I l

    1. @ Phoenix Rising

      If only I could find a live volcano …….

      It would take care of any evidence 🙂

      My nightmares seem to have subsided a bit ( or maybe I just can t remember them any more. )

      Stay safe everybody

    2. All your posts are super helpful. Dealing with the conflicting emotions has been one of the hardest things, so I think it absolutely applies. I still have moments of “loving” him and wanting him to come back and tell me he misses me and loves me and wants me. Then in a minute I realize that will never happen, and even if it did, then I’d be right back where I was before because he’s a LIAR. He had all the information and I didn’t. Our feelings are based on thoughts and if all our thoughts were based on THEIR LIES, then it’s pretty hard to sort out later when the truth comes out. I’m getting there and it’s mainly, I must say, because of this site and your help and everyone else’s support and sharing here. I’ve shared the site with a couple of other people, who also have been through this and it’s helping them too….all I know is that I’m not on a rollercoaster anymore and I feel like my true self is finally returning…Thank you as always…

    3. Phoenix! My God what a wonderful creative mind you have, even in your dreams! I don’t think I have ever had the detail in my ( pretty complicated sometimes) dreams! That you dreamed like this in such detail, shows how determined your mind is to relieve the pressure of this crazy “love”. Can I share my recent dream with mine? Ok, like I said, it’s short:
      He is walking up a staircase in some unknown place I am in, maybe someone’s apartment? And in his arms is my all-time beloved pet-lover, a big orange Tabby I had for many years and was the love and joy of my life. He’s been gone now for many years, but in this dream, my spathe had brought him to me! I looked at my cat running up to jump in my arms, and he just kept purrrring, and meowing ( like he always would). It was great because in the dream, I immediately focused on the true-love of my Loosie, to the false love- I ignored.

      I awoke from this dream feeling good. Unlike so many days where you get up, feel crappy and start missing the damn people who caused you all this drama in the first place! WTF? So, I think the dreams are an escape hatch for the truth?

      You should journal those dreams! Another wonderful exercise to look into because you can see a pattern in your dreams, and, if you are really diligent, can actually control your dreams whilst IN THEM! Freaky huh? Look into it, we all have so many adventures awaiting!

  7. I’m going to try this, sounds very therapeutic. The spath came to my house the other night begged to come back, told him no , he pushed me o n the couch punched my arm, and choked me. He stole my Keyes and $10 ihad lying around for a pack of new ports. When he left I immediately called the police, they took a report, took pictures of my bruises. In an hours time the officer cald and said they’ve arrested him and brought me back my Keyes. I was doing well to no contact for 4.months, he busted my balls cc txting voicemails. I’m glad this happened, now he’s in jail he belongs in jail. He’s got my head so fucked up, most of the time I really feel good, I’m in the acceptance stage, some days I miss the illusion but it just that an illusion. Well Pos, I must say I never expected this, its gonna be a great yr for me now with him out of the picture.. Hope he gets life. He ruined ours. My daughter Taylor was so happy he got caught. Peace an love 😆

      1. Yes Sammy, he Hass on occasion,, he realizes I mean business now. We are done. Maybe it bothers him that I discarded him before he could’ve discarded me. I don’t know what to make of it. Pretty scary, didn’t expect him of all people knocking on my door still wondering how he got in the building, I will be ok, just have to take it one day at a time 😊 thank you for responding to me Sammy. Love an peace.. 💚

    1. Hey Bewildered ,
      Sure hope you’re OK!!!!
      Good for you for duing what you did .
      Now that the fog has lifted we are taking our Power back . You sent him a good message not to mess with you anymore . I’m so proud of you !
      Peace&Love always !

      1. Lol Thankyou Ladybug, yeah it does feel empowering I WISH I could have seen his face when he got arrested, jeeze he was coming back to my house when they picked him up, friggin creep. They don’t take well to rejection, I didn’t like being rejected over the yrs. either,He’s enraged I discarded him first. Lol Ladybug KARMA ‘s a bitch. Peace an love to u!!! 😋

      2. Bevilered , please be very careful ! He now knows you are rejecting him .We all know they are crazy in more ways then one . I admire you currage and resolve but I also want you to be save . Please be vigilant and don’t open the door unless you now who is on the other side .
        Peace&Love to you .

  8. Bewildered,

    Are you ok? My gosh that is traumatic, please take good care & surround yourself with safe, good people– counselor/advocate.

    Prayers for your safety & peace. Do you have safety plan/ support network? So important.

    Pace e Bene
    EL

    1. Thank you Empathic, yes I do have a support system, I have my family, they know something’s wrong with him.They have always told me he put me through the wringer, when I try to explain they don’t understand,you have to be with one of these assholes. Thank you Empathic for your concern. Peace and love 💙

      1. Agreed Bewildered re: you really only get it if your in it– family & friends are subject to charism, confusion & fog too– but good that atleast they acknowledge he has negative impact ( the wringer) & they care 😉 and most importantly they are aware so you don’t feel alone, they/ we are here too. That can make all the difference– it did for my fears– my friends really stepped up & expressed love, concern & options ( to visit, come over, get me out, talk me through, just listen etc) — and i got my sanity back working it through here –Guardian Angel be with you.

        Bunny! I can hear your spirit freer & lifted in your posts as you too are moving through the process– keep the NC momentum 😉 <3. Empathy is the best when shared…. 🙂

        Blue, I am so dreaming of taking off to Mexico next month for " boots in the sand " concert — but I also run the gamut– struggle with wanting to escape & change of scenery- relax & fun vacation fantasy—to cabin fever over analyze, hibernation mode, somewhat frozen in my own head — wanting safe comfort zone & familiar even when it's toxic?! Have to make the higher love choice—- make the absolute best of " you" time on vacation– restorative self love, ocean healing 😉 I have some fear of being totally free in mind body soul & spirit– I still need some self protection coping that are old default– vacation & change of scenery can help ease of that MO smooth transition— enjoy sister!

        Bunny is on to something — get the crayons out (literal or figurative) enjoy the colors in your life –we can be creative with our lives & hearts 😉

        EL

  9. Thanks again! I will use this tonight as I am on vacation in a beautiful place, but I am experiencing many mixed emotions that feel like they are getting in the way of this precious time when I should be the most relaxed and content.

  10. Positivagirl, You remember everything about what I went through! Thank you 🙂

    Phoenix, It’s been a long time! Good to see you.

    B, stay strong! Do not give in!

    Bewildered, keep standing up for yourself. You’re doing great kiddo 😉

    Edaldude, Haha! Get those crayons out with me 🙂

    EL, ❤

    Blue, I want you to consciously make the decision to say this, "I can think over things and deal with emotions WHEN I GET HOME. This vacation is MY TIME". You will be home soon enough to think about things 😉

    1. Bunny! I can hear your spirit freer & lifted in your posts as you too are moving through the process– keep the NC momentum 😉 <3. Empathy is the best when shared…. 🙂

      Blue, I am so dreaming of taking off to Mexico next month for " boots in the sand " concert — but I also run the gamut– struggle with wanting to escape & change of scenery- relax & fun vacation fantasy—to cabin fever over analyze, hibernation mode, somewhat frozen in my own head — wanting safe comfort zone & familiar even when it's toxic?! Have to make the higher love choice—- make the absolute best of " you" time on vacation– restorative self love, ocean healing 😉 I have some fear of being totally free in mind body soul & spirit– I still need some self protection coping that are old default– vacation & change of scenery can help ease of that MO smooth transition— enjoy sister!

      Bunny is on to something — get the crayons out (literal or figurative) enjoy the colors in your life –we can be creative with our lives & hearts 😉

      EL

  11. Another great article and just what I needed to read. I have been doing ok with the NC but he has been emailing and calling even reaching out to my mom, telling her he ended to talk to me. He finally wore me down and I spoke with him. He wants me to meet him in person so he can tell me what’s really going on, he says. I told him absolutely not whatever he has to tell me he can do it on the phone, so he tells me he loves me, misses me and wishes that I could forgive him and start over…I was no are you kidding me, you according to your Facebook and some friends you got married last month and even if you aren’t married you are still in a relationship with at least one women, so I am moving on with my life and you really love me you will let me go and leave me alone. He just kept on and on how I am the only women that understands him and I was so good to him and he’s was so stupid for making a mistake, wow he pretty much said everything that I have been reading and what you said he would. I am so grateful that I found these posts and I was able to take the call and not fall apart and believe all his lies. I do admit part of me wants to believe that maybe he isn’t a sociopath and he really does love me, but I know that is not so, if he really loved me he wouldn’t be with the other women and calling me to see if I will take him back before he breaks it off with her. Thanks again for all the love and support of this group.

    1. Cmarie,
      That is awesome that you saw the truth. Even though you wanted to believe, you didn’t let it cloud reality. Great perception and understanding. That really is impressive! Go you xx

      1. Ladybug, thank you again for your support. I will always be careful now, you never know when a predator is going to be in your space. As for him, he will do a year or more. God does things in mysterious ways as my mom used to say. Peace an love to you ..😊💜

    2. Hi cmarie. Ugh what a joker. This is why no contact is the only way if you want it to stop. Responding to him only opens the door. And he will see it as a signal of ‘hope’ which is the last thing you want to give to a sociopath. Anyway that is done. So if you want him gone. Send a formal text saying this relationship is over. Please do not contact me further. If you do I will file report to police for harassment. While he has no conscience and doesn’t care he doesn’t like to get caught or to be restrained.

      1. I am so mad at myself for talking to him, I played right into his web and now I am spinning. He has. Even calling and emailing me all day that he wants to work things out. I am scared he is going to show up at my place. He really is delusional, thinking we are going to just start over like nothing happened. You guys are so right about how important no contact is, I gave him hope and now I am having to deal with it.

  12. I am happy for you, cmarie, that you didn’t fall for it. It’s obvious that he is in total desperate panic mode that you left him. It was a very hard nut for me to crack that one. I used to fall for them and come back believing it was just an innocent mistake and he actually truly loved me.

    The internet is my savior, it taught me about their ways. Now they can call whomever they want to, email me however many times, it goes to junk mail. I don’t want to ever imagine going back to that mayhem again. I don’t deserve it, you don’t either, no one does.

  13. UGH! Need advice! I have been NC since November 28th and now he is sending invitations to my mother to join his “networks” – Google, LinkedIn, etc. My mother is 76, in frail health, and detests him, so this does nothing but upset her, but I honestly think that these could be auto-requests generated by the applications based on old mailing lists.

    Do I email him and ask him to check and remove her from his contacts or do I try to figure out a way to block him from our end?

    The fun just keeps on coming…….

    Celeste

    1. Lost,

      Do not say or do ANTHING. He wants you to do that by making your mom irritated too! Then he’ll get a “response”. Typical, predictable spath!…YAWN :p

  14. Ok I am stuck. Have been holding off posting here as I know everyone else has their own issues and problems to deal with, but my head is spinning. So…I was in relationship with socio for 6 months, a month was spent trying to break it off with him but I kept going back, I then found this site and since end October it’s been finished completely (on my side). He then started threatening texts and following and harassing me…phoned police and they have spoken to him twice. He was quiet for a month but it’s now all started up again….no threats tho, hanging about my work, couple of nicey nice text, following me and basically trying to intimidate me, that kind of thing. I have had no contact for 3 months, but obv he isn’t just going away so what can I do?? He was never violent to me but I found out he beat his last 2 exes and I know he still harasses one, the mum of his child. It just feels like I made this one huge mistake in my life yet it is never ever going to go away. I can’t move on. And I want to. I’m worried he will get violent toward me. I don’t know what ‘stage’ we are at in his game. I don’t know what he would say if he ever got the chance to speak to me…are we still at the trying to get me back/break me stage or have we moveD onto the angry I’ve lost control of you stage. How does this work, it’s killing me. Help!

    1. I can t really say what will stop one of these things , but all I can tell you from a male point of view when police are called on you by a female , its not a good situation .

      Problem is I suppose is I m not a spath ( as far as I m aware anyway ) so I actually care about potential prosecution .

      My advice is keep on calling the police , I don t know if there are specialists within the force that deal with psychopathic personality disorder , but if you keep on telling them you feel your life is under threat and he has form for beating an ex, then the police are on very dodgy ground if they ignore you . I don t know what everyone else thinks ?

      Nick

      1. Sammy,

        I agree with Nick. Also, I am wondering if your coworkers should be made aware of him hanging around your job. It’s good for everyone to be a step ahead. Or, just call the police the next time he is loitering. These little things add up eventually and he will be caught and held accountable. Definitely do not act affected by him. Just be cool and calm. He clearly wants to intimidate you and spin your world the wrong way. Don’t let him 😉

      2. Thanks Nick. Yeh any self respecting man would realise what he is doing is wrong and by me going to the police would stop lol! I’ve reported everything to the police but because he is not threatening (apart from the very first incident he got spoken to about) they can’t do anything!! Not even have a word with him. It is so frustrating. I must don’t know how dangerous he can be, even if would be violent towards me, it’s the not knowing that is driving me mad…my imagination is running wild.

    2. Sammy, be aware of your surroundings, they pop up when u least expect it. Have a buddy system, maybe its better off. Your with a friend you won’t be approachable. And keepl up NC. I agree with the people who’ve responded to u as well. You’ll be fine. Silence is golden !! No Contact…peace and love 😂💛

      1. Thank you bunnyshy and bewildered! Yes my co workers know, I’ve even told my friends that work in the next building what is going on. I just think aswell surely the more people know what he is doing the better, because he won’t like his image ruined??? The no contact is getting harder because he is making himself more known the last few weeks, but I’ll keep it up…I know he is trying to wear me down so I will talk to him. Thing is when I met him I was In a crappy vulnerable stage of my life and he took advantage, but I don’t think he realised that I am not actually a weak person who will keep running back to him, I am very strong minded and subborn and I HOPE these characteristics of mine will help me get through this!! Yes I’m trying to keep people round about me all the time. Thank you x x

      2. Sammy,
        Bingo! Same here. I was a bit vulnerable when I met the spath. I was single 4 years before meeting him. He knew it, and mistakenly thought I was weak.I was probably his favorite target for his predatory wicked salivating teeth….lol. Hell, anyone looks good after being alone for 4 years….HA! 😉 He picked the wrong girl 😀

    3. Hi sammy, sociopaths hate to be ignored as maintaining control is what they strive for. Sounds like he is in final stage ‘ruining’ this is where they are the most dangerous. It is now that you see the nutter behind the charismatic mask. Keep a log of everything speak to police again if you need to. You could apply for an injunction order to keep him away from you, if you have evidence and proof. Calling police did some good as he did temporarily stay away. He is trying to get your attention think of a teenager angry at its parents and wanting to hurt them as much as he/she thinks parents have hurt them. It’s like that. I found this stage escalated and I was scared at the time. I would call police. Sociopaths don’t like to get caught for their actions. Just realise that this is when they can be at their most dangerous when they feel they have nothing to lose.

      1. When you say ‘at their most dangerous’…what kind of things have you heard that spaths do?? Do you think if I keep up the no contact and keep phoning the police he will think I’m too much hard work or something and leave me alone or is that when he gets more angry and then does something? My relatives and friends know he is a nut job but don’t ‘get’ when I try and explain about him being a socio..they say because he hasn’t done anything to me by now I will be ok…I try and explain that doesn’t mean shit!! And the more I am reading online the more scared I am getting. He has never ever been violent towards me, argued a lot and manipulated/controlled me verbally…always tried to get me to set up business with him, using my money of course…fortunately I didn’t fall for that one or it could be an even bigger mess. I just wish I could talk to one of his exes to see how far he went with them, could make me more scared or put my mind at ease lol. Like I said he’s never done anything to make me feel really really scared, it’s just the annoyance factor of him just being ‘there’ and obviously trying to intimidate me and the thought of what he could do …. It’s everything I’m reading online that’s putting the fear into me aswell and the fact I know he has been violent to his past exes and other stories I’ve heard about him. I was speaking to someone who knows him and he said he wouldn’t put it past him to be violent towards me or my animals (I have 4 pet rabbits!) I feel sick just thinking about that 😥

        In some ways I am so so glad I found this site as I would never have figured out what he was until I was in too deep, but on the other hand if i did split up with him not knowing what he was I wouldn’t be living in fear for the past few months…but then again it’s good I am on guard just incase. Sorry I know I am babbling, I don’t have anyone who understands all this. Wish I could talk to you guys in person.

        Thanks for all your help x x x

  15. Hi Pos;

    Again, thanks for posting something that is meaningful, relevant and helpful.

    In chatting with a fellow survivor we jokingly wondered if there is a Sociopath College (Perhaps the International College of Sociopathy). Maybe they have a union or some secret handbook they follow because it defies logic that there are people out there that do the same miserable things to others for personal gratification. I think the reason I find this all so confusing is because we all share not only mutual experiences, but the same pain and confusion in the aftermath, It’s like a demented ballet; an impeccable performance by the minions of the devil.

    So having been diagnosed with PTSD and still fighting it each and every day I think that any tool you can provide to help find comfort, insight, and closure is wonderful. What you are doing is amazing and I am so glad to have found this blog.

    Celeste

    1. Hi Celeste ,

      I fight it every day , its horrendous , I ve been unable to get up until now today , I ve been shaking with fear lying down catching little bits of sleep , the slightest noise startles me awake , some days I think it might be going, but it always comes back . I m shaking even writing this tiny bit about it 😦 urghhh I hate it :-(((((

      I m trying my best to hide it from my mates , they think that because I haven t been in a war zone I shouldn t have it , I m so ashamed about it .

      Nick

      1. Oh Nick;

        Sex for some men is the ultimate reward. I think for the Spath mind it is the ultimate tool of conquest and control. I sincerely doubt that there is anyone among our little fraternity that has not had sex used as some sort of control and it is nothing for you to feel guilty about.

        I too startle easy, I do not go out into crowds, still have insomnia, but I think I am beginning to settle. I too felt like I was wrong for being diagnosed with PTSD – I have the added guilt of knowing that my own son served two tours of duty in the Middle East and he came home PTSD-free.

        So, while I am certainly not whole again, I have began to realize that right now it is OK for me to pull to the side of the road because I am crying for reasons unknown, to wake in the middle of the night from a nightmare and play Bejeweled on my cellphone until I fall back asleep, to eat what I want, if I want (eating is something that I have had trouble with since this all happened).

        I think it is all part of the process and as uncomfortable as it may seem, it is necessary in order to become whole again.

        Hang in there Nick. These SP’s don’t have the right to control by proxy.

        Regards,
        Celeste

    2. Thank you celeste. This is a really useful tool for people with ptsd. When your mind and you are feeling lots of different feelings at the same time. It can help to get it out. I think.

      1. I don t know , this thing I was with forced me awake after nightshifts to have sex with it . I was so tired I tried to avoid it as best I could . It even complained in texts to me that I wasn t doing it enough . I feel sick even admitting this , I just try to go somewhere else in my mind mostly , I didn t speak to my psychotherapist or my friends about this , its right at the heart of being a man , I feel dirty & weak constantly , it disgusts me , I m sorry for even bringing this one up :-(((

  16. Don’t even, Nick. Sexual manipulation is a HUGE tool for these creeps. What else can make you feel as insecure? Everything they say is a lie. The opposite is always true. My ex just brought up that shit last night. (No Contact is not an option for me in my situation . . . I still have to hear it from him from time to time.) Last night I had to listen to my ex criticize my body and talk about how he never really tried to please me because he thought sex was boring with me . . . blah blah blah. They can always play that card because you don’t really have any friends and family that are in the position to help you out with that one. I mean anyone who knows you can tell you how smart, caring, interesting you are, but what friend or family member can comment with any real knowledge on your sex life? Plus, that is such a vulnerable aspect of ourselves, why WOULDN’T they use it? Don’t feel weak. Feel normal. “It” is weak. That person doesn’t have the depth in their soul to be able to be vulnerable. They fall so far short of you. The only way they can forget about their sorry self for a while is to try to put you down.

    1. @ Carrie

      Thankyou for that , I ve been having a rough couple of days , I hope you manage to keep your mental barriers fully up when you deal with your spath at all times .

  17. Can I just be the dark cloud for today? 😦

    I don’t want to color or dance or draw . . . .

    I want to smash things with a hammer . . . and then my fists . . . and then I want to set it all on fire . . .

    1. This isn’t a dark cloud, it is a normal part of healing. You are angry, and you have every right to be angry you do whatever you feel like to get your feelings out (just don’t write to him and tell him how you feel) – write it by all means but don’t press send….

      Sports can be quite good if you are feeling really angry. IT also releases endorphines that can help you feel better.

      I don’t feel like being artistic when I am angry either. I find just writing down words getting them out, makes me feel better, but we are all different. So do whatever feels right for you. 🙂 .

      Also give yourself a pat on the back it means that you are out of the first stage of healing – denial and moving forward…. let it rip and let it all out….

  18. Hi Celeste ,

    I m glad your Son came home in one piece mentally & physically 🙂

    Eating without feeling sick was a tough one for me for around 4 months . For some reason I could eat in work , but in the house was a struggle , baffled if I know why , must be a reason I suppose . I do the crying thing about once every couple of days , not missing anything about the spath as it makes my skin crawl , just my Daughters . We keep on plodding though . 🙂

    1. Hi Nick;

      My kids have been my rock throughout this, but my son is so angry at the SP that I can’t discuss things with him. I keep family near, but they are getting burned out on all of this, and honestly I don’t blame them.

      I went for months having problems with eating. Like you, when I tried to eat, it made me nauseated. I lived on iced tea and Monster. I can eat now, but everyone I know is always on me because I’m not eating enough. I just came back from a family reunion – there is nothing like a pack of elderly mid-western aunties for making tons of food and then expecting you to eat it!! =)

      The desire to eat has slowly returned (but I ended up losing about 40 lbs) and I still have to be cautious because there are things that will turn my stomach just by smell. Insomnia is my biggest problem now. I am unable to fall asleep and then wake frequently during the night, so I am always feeling fatigued. I do keep up with some cardio and do yoga, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference with the sleep patterns.

      I gave up on professional treatment because all they wanted to do was give me pills – antidepressants, anti-anxiety, sleep – I tried them for 2 days and tossed them out. I do not want to feel drugged and lethargic. So I muddle through and thank my search engine for finding this blog!!

      I started the brain mapping that Pos suggested and it is beginning to provide me with a visual on who I am now, but allows me to look at what I want to change. I’m using Coggle – it’s free and easy to use.

      I have come to realize that there is no one harder on me than myself. I blame myself, I feel guilt, I feel the loss when it was all the SP’s fault. He met me with the intention of getting everything he could and he did just that. I suppose that when I no longer feel these emotions, I will be ready to move on.

      Hang in there Nick. I don’t know you from Adam, but we all have a bond that is exclusive to those of us who have lived through this and as my sweet friend “M” has told me, we are not victims. We are survivors.

      Hugs & Love,
      Celeste

      1. My mate is of the same mindset as your Son I think , he flies into a rage when her name is even mentioned ( she ripped him off for £ 5750 as well ) I am paying him back slowly whilst he lets me have a room in his house , but it puts a massive strain on a 20 year friendship .

        The visual of a pack of mid western aunties made me smile. !!!! 🙂

        Making food , even simple things like a jacket potato have turned me sick in the house on my own for some reason , I can do food when a couple of the lads are there , I don t really get that .

        I m getting a bit better at falling asleep , nightmares shake me awake 1 in 2 nights at the moment , once its daylight though , I shake with fear and don t want to get out of bed . It takes the lads to drag me training to get me going .

        I had a lovely psychotherapist , but it was quite a distance for me to drive and see her in a town about 40 mins drive away , plus the expense , so that was the end of that after a few months unfortunately .

        As you say there is no one and I mean no one ! Harder on you than you – the blame , the guilt , the loss ….. Yep , yep and yep .

        We have all been turned over in cold blood when we were just trying to help someone . It disgusts me .

        We don t know each other but all of us knows what all the other has been through unfortunately ( I wish I didn t )

        I saw a slogan for Michael Schumacher earlier that said ” Keep on fighting Michael ”

        I second that for him and all of us x

  19. Bunnyshy, i am glad you have that attitude!! What’s your story then? Have you got rid of him? Arseholes that they are. Argh it’s so blooming frustrating!!!

    1. Sammy,

      It’s NC physically over 3 months, NC 1 month by phone. I was addicted to him physically, even though he was not attractive. With help from this site I knew what he was early on. I’d been preparing a breakup for a long time. This is the 3rd time I left. I changed my cell number, it feels great.

      Problem is he is now calling my parents number for the past 30 days. He is blocked but we can still see that he tried calling, sometimes a dozen calls a day. “This number is not accepting calls” is all he has heard for a month now. Idiot! He has plenty of dolls in his cell to call. Idk why he is doing this. He doesn’t need me! Lol. I want to move forward and remain disease free! HA! Stay here for support. It gets a lot better 😉

      1. Hahaha what an idiot! I know they can be dangerous, but oh my god some of the things (I’m not calling him ‘my’!) arsehole has done to me is just hilarious…it’s a kind of a wtf is he for real moment…if you get me lol!! And that there, ringing you and hearing that same message..COME ON! Are you serious mr??!! Lol! I’ve been no contact my end for 3 months, I spoke to him once tho in-between that cos he came to ‘apologize’ but I remained calm and didn’t engage in convo with him. But since then his ‘presence’ has escalated…piss off you knob!!! :)) so so glad I found this site…an thanks for taking the time to respond – it’s just so good to know that there are people out there who know how you are feeling!! Hugs to you xx

  20. Sammy,

    You are cracking me the hell up! Haha! You use humor like I do sometimes. “Hearing that same message…COME ON!” Lol! You are doing great! Glad you did not get into heavy conversation with him. Their angry little presence is getting on my big nerves…lol. Thank you for all the laughs tonight kiddo 😉 Love talking with you…xo

    1. Thanks bunny shy 🙂

      Good for you gaslighted 😀 it’s so nice to hear a positive story! But are you saying we all have to move away to get rid of the sociopaths lol!!! :p

  21. Well, its been 6 months NC for me.

    And I am in a new city, new state with a new career and new relationship.

    I have completely recreated myself in the last 6 months.

    Completely shocking, but completely worth it.

    I want some consistency back in my life. I want some regularity. I have craved it for so long. Normal and healthy is such a good feeling.

    Hope you are all doing well.

    1. Gaslighted,

      You are living my dream…haha! I have been NC one month by phone, 3months NC physically. I have a date next week. Maybe two! I am getting out and socializing. One is a lunch date which feels great…less pressure to me. Keep doing what you’re doing! You’re enjoying life, and you deserve it 🙂

      1. aww thank you! and same to you!

        I still can’t believe how hard it was at the beginning…and even 2,3, 4 months in. But, its true. NC is honestly the best way and we all pull through eventually.

        phew!

        Looking back at some of my old posts….I don’t even recognize me anymore.

  22. Hi everyone, to be honest, I have done this mind mapping and I have so much anger I keep reliving stuff that happened. How I felt when I was being degraded. Not to mention the social and financial damage. It’s been over a year but I don’t see how I would ever dream of getting into a relationship again. I see them in everyone these days. I have pulled away from so many people it’s like my life is just teeming with them and I am alone. Is this much anger really curable?

    1. WaAfrique,
      Everyone does things in their own time. There are no rules. You take as long as you need. We are all individuals. I have no answer to how long. However, the sooner we accept the devil for who he is, the better off we will be. Be thankful you are away from “it”. Also, I think of the source that hurt me. If someone with morals and values decided to hurt or play games with me, I would be much more upset.

      Pure EVIL approached, conned, and tried to destroy us. We are still standing though. Another thought, we can love and feel things. We love and care for people (like we are doing here at this site). Spaths are DEAD. They enjoy nothing that is good, they are even QUIET during you know what. It’s as if they are not participating. Their lives suck much worse. I have made this guy a NON-PERSON. He is dead to me. You will absolutely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, feel better in the near future.

      1. Thanks Bunnyshy 🙂

        It just always goes back to square one when I face the financial effects of this last man or when I think of getting into a relationship again. The anger boils up. And it’s so fresh. Today I am struggling to pay off a debt- caused by him and his lies about a child (that he deserted, the mother too, I later found out) One year later and I am still in all sorts of trouble with the banks! I am trying to get back on track. And I do most of the time. Except when business goes down. The problems start springing up everywhere.

        It’s been a year. It’s like he still here messing with me. When I run into this stuff I go mad again. It’s is very very clear that I am not ready for a relationship for sure- and I still refuse to date. I am just not sure I can smile or yoga out of it. Yesterday I was remembering him and how shady he was. Yeah he was silent during it with very “non-eyes”. Don’t know when it’s gonna stop coming back like this. Just I think I am doing so well.

      2. Hi Bunnyshy,

        Mine was dead quiet in that dept too . As you say , almost not participating . This was at odds with alot of what I had read which said they can often be “amazing ” in that area . Mine just had an insatiable appetite in that area , nothing else .

        She wanted handholding all the time and a lot of hugs and “cwtches” as they are known in Wales , but I was more than happy with this as I like hugs . She knew this , so maybe this was just to keep me happy , I suspect so .

        It still baffles me how they can pretend so well to care for their victims , its really really sick behaviour .

        Nick

      3. Oh Nick, I have been following your story. I’m deeply sorry for what you have been through. I find it interesting how no one really talks about how intimately unengaged spaths are. Very mechanical, empty. The way they do this with a list of people ( a doll collection), it is so disgusting, seriously disturbing to me. I think of what he has said or done to me, lies, crazy making, disappearing, etc, it’s a miracle I have no diseases!! :p

        I was single 4 years so anyone looked good I suppose, once I got back in the dating scene. What rotten luck right? Haha! It will work itself out in due time…for all of us. It’s great to come here and talk with empathetic friends. I’m thankful to this site. Hang in there 😉

    2. Hi WaAfrique;

      I am 17 months out, but I had invested 12 years in the relationship. So I kind of think that after all those years of emotional abuse (some have even called it emotional rape) that it isn’t going to be fixed overnight.

      I do tend to isolate, have severe trust issues, and I cannot see myself ever being in a relationship again. That may change with time, but right now I just cannot trust anyone enough to allow anyone past hello.

      My ex SP took me to the cleaners and left me flat broke. Absolutely without resources and without income because I gave up my job for his “business”.

      I guess what I’m trying to say is that this all takes time, and dealing with banks and creditors just adds insult to injury because they don’t care why, they just want their $$$.

      Hang in there. It’s all we can do because if we allow them to continue to influence were we are now, they are still in control.

      Celeste

      1. Hi Celeste ,

        It is rape , you are right , its how I feel :-(((((

        Invaded on so many levels , its disgusting . I ve let a virus , a trojan horse , whatever you like to call it straight in , welcomed this monster right in to cause me maximum damage .

        Nick

  23. I need to get my feelings out….before I implode. As You know,I broke no contact after 2 months…that was exactly 1 week ago. He came on strong,to the point it was slightly annoying…and he was talking in circles about random BS,my head was spinning on Saturday when I got off the phone with him. I had him blocked from my phone and we were communicating via email or in person…as one point last week…he stopped by unnaounced…to tell me how much he loved me,how he is having a hard time getting over me and being engaged to me for 4 years,blah blah blah…Now keep in mind,I am the one that broke NC,he is the one that laft me. He talked me into blocking his number….stayed the night 2x;s last week…he looks bad. Ate up with something. Drugs and or booze. So,last week,he noticed I was preparing to paint my apartment,and he made a date for us yesterday(sunday) to come over and help me paint than go to a superbowl party. Saturday,I talk to him all throughout the day,get I love you voivemails,emails,I love you at the end of phone conversations. He goes to work (this is Saturday,the day before he was to come over) We text for a few hours throughout the evening,and one text was out of character for his sick ass…he said “I am so busy…Scorpio” This guy,never,ever,in the 4 years we were engaged,showed no interest in astrology,nor have I…..Than at midnight,he texts me “no way am I gonna make it tomorrow,going to go home and sleep” That would have been fine with me…however I know the guy…he can sleep 4 hours,wake up and have the energy of an adolescent. I texted back “hey,I can paint my apartment on my own,this was your idea,remember,go to sleep,sleep till noon,see ya” I turn off my phone,and wake to a text from him…that made me feel more anger than I have ever felt in my life!…the test read “Fuck! Freak! I will call you tomorrow! Dirty scorpio! I want u but I cant even have you!!!! Noone can! U Have the worst birth sign in our world!!!! Scorpio!!! U destroy dumb people with good hearts!!!!!! I am telling you guys,I felt violent towards him when I read that. A. he is a bartender b. obviously someone at his bar,taught him astrology within 4 hours(the guy is so unoriginal,always has been,he quotes what someone has taught him.I’ve never seen him read a book,do any research on any topic,etc) C. This text,was the first time,I felt scared of his mental instability. I texted back…I am busy today,no need to call….You must have been taught something new by one of your fans…I am nothing like that,AND YOU KNOW IT,but feel free to think otherwise,I will talk to you later in the week. I immediately called my cell phone provider and had him blocked from calling or texting me,and me calling or texting him…If he shows up here,I will call the police….I learned my lesson of NC,I am disgusted and scared of him,I am insulted,I will never pity nor forgive him. I will strive for indifference. anyone,feel free,PLEASE,TO CHIME IN.

    1. Bobbie Jeane,

      Oh I would love to chime in! This is all part of the final stage. He performed the typical sociopathic bait and switch. He is an abuser, period. We are nothing to these people. I feel like we are wardrobe hanging in the closet. “Oh I feel like wearing her today to f*** with her good heart. I want to make her suffer in pain like I am. Hahaha.” Do you see? We are being used like a rag doll.

      Let me tell ya another thing…these “MEN” would NEVER talk to another MAN like this or they would be laying flat on the ground in a split second. They control, abuse, and BULLY women. Simply put, they are WIMPS. They talk so “tough” and arrogant. I am extremely bored with the act myself.

      Bobbie, your time is going to come where you won’t care what this nutjob says or does. I am healed. I have been here with Positivagirl since she started this site last March. (I was onto the spath within 2 weeks of meeting him, but stayed with him out of boredom followed by addiction unfortunately). I promise you will be healed too. I left twice after a couple of months no contact each. It takes practice. You will get there. Count on it. Stay here, keep us posted, be mindful of your thoughts, do things for yourself, color your hair, paint your nails, give yourself a facial, go out with friends, cook a good meal, redecorate the house, etc. Take care of YOU, because the sociopath will NOT. NOT EVER.

      1. He has had his ass kicked by the way. For hitting on another guy’s girlfriend,than he smarted off to the the guys boyfriend. In France! He is an American! what balls this freak has! If I were to see him right now,I think piss on him. Literally. I deserve better. It took that creepy text,and change in personality in hours,to make me realize it was not me.

      2. I need and want to be healed so badly. I emailed the sick fuck…I know,I know….I wanted to tell him he did me a favor by texting me that creepy text,and changing personality’s in a split second,and he made me finally realize he was the problem in thr 4 year relationship and not me and he set me free. I wanted to rip him a new asshole. I know he doesn’t care. I don’t care. I had to say something. bad,I know. But I don’t care. Now,I want to heal. it’s so hard. And you guys are so right…breaking NC,than getting together for 1 week,than the stupid text he sent….has me reeling with anger. Anger I have never felt before. I am angry at myself,but mostly I am angry at him. Angry! I do not want to feel hurt….why would I feel hurt from such a sick beast? I was hurt when he left me after 4 years of being engaged. This time,I am afraid of going into the hurt phase. But I also despise having an angry heart. I will pray for indifference daily,hourly….what ever it it takes.

      3. Hiya Bobbie;

        It is ok and even normal to be angry and want to lash out. Please don’t beat yourself up over it.

        My first husband committed suicide about 20 years ago, leaving behind our daughter, then 13. She shut down after the grief because she was so very angry. The grief counselor had her write a letter to him. She told our daughter to let him have it and not hold anything back. Then she told her to find a picture of her dad and someplace private and safe where she could read the letter to “her dad”. It was OK to scream, cry, cuss… whatever she felt like doing. Then when she was done, take the letter, destroy it (tear it up, burn it, whatever) and then put the picture of her dad in a safe place until she was ready to deal with him again.

        Maybe you should write exactly what you feel and get all of the toxicity he is causing you to feel out of your system in a no contact sort of way?

        Celeste

      4. Camelot,I have had 2 friends whose husbands have commited suicide in the past 6 years. I am so sorry to hear that,and so sorry for your daughter.I will try writing the letter and burning thingy,but I don’t think it will rid me of this anger. I’ve never felt such anger? I have been praying and reading this sight all day hoping to rid this anger. The anger is causing me to have not a lot of patience?!?!?! what is that? This anger is another entity. freak boy sent me an email…which sent me further into anger…it said “Im sorry for everything I’ve ever done in my life. I tried to be best best friends with you,but WE are ill equipped. have a happy and prosperous life” wtf?!?!?!? what is he even talking about? I didn’t reply. I would rip him up some more,and I don’t want to go there. I always said he could ruin a rainbow,and he proved me correct.

      5. Hi!
        Don’t forget to yell and curse and scream at him! LOL.

        My SP always had trouble using the right words when he was trying to come across as sincere. I think that because for them sincerity has do with what they can get out the situation or relationship, that is the only way they can communicate it in kind.

        Prosperity? Yeah…. nothing more than SP speak, because they are incapable of empathetic thought.

        Hang in there!

        Celeste

    2. Hi Bobbie;

      Looks to me like you have had one helluva week, but every mistake is an opportunity to learn. Please stay NC and if you are afraid of him, don’t open the door if he shows up. Just call the police and save the psycho text as evidence.

      I may not have a job, but I moved 1200 miles away from him and he is stuck in a mobile home that is WAY upside down, so either he walks away from it or he is stuck in Texas. No more creeper parked down the street, sneaking up the front walk, standing on the porch and listening to what is going on inside. I can’t put a price on my peace of mind.

      Hope you are able to regain your balance and center quickly. I hate the feelings of confusion, etc.

      Celeste

  24. I can remember exactly the time it started with arsehole when he changed like yours did bobbie jeane. I was trying to call it off with him (took me 6 weeks in the end as I kept going back for more, like bunny shy said it’s like an addiction). I couldn’t believe he was calling me a bitch, saying I had been unfaithful, that I would get what’s coming to me…you get the picture. I USED to text back forth back forth…until he obv got me where he wanted and the texts changed back to lovey dovey texts. He tried to scare, manipulate me into going back with him and guess what it worked. THEN I googled ‘someone who feels no remorse or guilt’ (can’t remember WHY I did it, what prompted me to put those words that specific night) but my god I am glad did. Up came this site, and others and EVERYTHING fell into place. That was it for me, there and then, no contact started. He didn’t know what was happening, why I wasn’t replying to the texts and email threats that got me before. What I am trying to say is a loooonger version of bunnyshy, pmsl! I basically wanted to let you know what mine did to me to show you yours is DOING the same. You need to rise above it and NOT CARE. WHO CARES what he says or calls you. Only care about the people that matter and CARE FOR YOU, cos I tell you something this nutter doesn’t….along with all the nutters that brought us all here together on this site. We should have an annual gathering lol!! Chin up tho and try and stay strong. It is only you that can decide when you want to leave him…but he will never change xxx

  25. Even you texting back to say ‘I’m busy now’ or ‘leave me alone’ is still attention and a reaction from you to them and that is what they want…doesn’t matter if you’re shouting obscenities, or being calm he WANTS you to text back, so just don’t..ignore ignore ignore…in my opinion anyway.

    1. You guys,this freak,changed characters within 5-6 hours?!?!?! How creepy. I was NC for 2 months,contacted him 1 week ago sunday….he stayed the night 2 x’s,HE made plans to help me paint my apartment…Saturday….the day of creepy text…5-6,even 2 hours prior,he was texting me “I have an idea for your apartment tomorrow,love you” We talked throughout the day. Within hours,changed personalities! I’ve never seen anything like it! These freaks are ate up! and I cant text or call….called my phone company….again…to set it up so he could not text or call and vise versa. I like having no control over that….This has actually,in a bizarre way,been validation for me…that he is,in fact…one evil dude.

      1. Oh I am so glad you are saying that!! Mine changed within a couple of hours when he realised he wasn’t getting through to me like he usually did. Think he thought I will try a new tactic. But then he went back and forth from love hate love hate, very jekyll and hyde. It is so goddamn creepy isn’t it?!?

    2. I concur with Sammy. Don’t respond to say, “leave me alone.” Just completely ignore. Mean replies show that you still care. Your emotions are being stirred up. If you really didn’t care (which is what you need to communicate, even if its not exactly true), you wouldn’t care enough to respond. Yes, ignore ignore ignore.

      1. I had to send a calm,yet matter of fact,angry email. HAD TO. I am not playing games,I don’t care who is “winning” and all that. He can win. He replied back and I ignored. Im done.

  26. mine was full on love love love love love for 1 week…up until,that very moment he sent that bizarre scorpio text! Yes its creepy. there was no love hate love love hate. It was literally love love love love up until that very split second. bizarre. What a freak. And I lived with and was engaged to him for 4 years,and I lived like that….but it didn’t hit me….until that text Saturday night.

    1. And I bet you are glad it has hit you. I got the love hate love hate thing on and off for 6 weeks cos I would go back break away go back break away and so on. He was all over the place…I’m glad I messed with his head for a bit to be honest…I’d forgotten about that til now. Please stay strong and I am so so glad you have realised :-*

  27. I am strong…but I don’t like being filled with hate for that thing? I want indifference. I do not love it anymore…I hate it..I would love to peel the skin off its face,…that’s how much I violently hate it. Its one thing to get dumped…but to have my intelligence insulted,is another thing. For 4 years I lived like that…but didn’t really realize it,as I was stuck in that fog of hell. That text it sent,its change in personality at the drop of a hat,via text….was an insult to my intelligence. I cant contact it guys,I told ya,I called my cell provider to block myself from calling it or texting it,and vise versa. I didn’t just do the block caller thing. I checked my voicemails from the same day he sent the scorpio billshit text….it sounded so loving and normal. It is a freak! I want to not be so angry.

    1. I think for you to do anything to take your mind off your recent contact, bobbie! Ok you slipped back into the evil that is your spath ( and mine, boy can I tell you!). Don’t be angry at yourself for falling for more love bombing! I tell you, it’s their M.O. and it has happened to most of us. I fell, and have recently contemplated resuming contact even in my BS history that corresponds nicely with the mental put downs I’ve endured for nearly identical length of time! I think after a recent romantic failure, that I can just use him for the physical pleasure. But then I open myself up to more mental cruelty and the jeckyll and Hyde ways. All drama. I know if you called out your guy ( good thing you blocked) that all he’d do is deny what was texted/said anyway. Or he’d turn it around on you, calling you the one that’s psycho! Trust me, been there. Mine did the EXACT same thing at New Years, and I was where you were a month ago! Reeling with anxiety, hatred, and pain.

      It passes. Just keep telling yourself that. These nut jobs are only out for themselves 90% of the time. The 10% they give you just to lead you on it seems. So sad to deal with, why do these creatures have to exist? Life’s hard enough! But, let me remind you, I joined a dating site, and even though romantically I have bombed out, I have had some really nice encounters and dates in only a month my life and outlook has done a 180* change! This recent guy, well, I think I have found a really nice friend if anything! Tremendous, so hold out hope and be aware of your surroundings- the Universe has great surprises in abundance!
      Peace & Love
      E

      1. Edalude…..I am honestly not angry with myself. I am ANGRY at this sick creature for thinking he can speak to me like that! We have been broken up for 2 months,I broke contact,that week of the breaking of no contact,was okay…it was the obviousness that thing’s last minute “fuck! freak! I will call you tomorrow! scorpio! I want you and cant even have you. You have the worst birth sign in the world. no one can have you. You destroy dumb people with good hearts!” DO NOT INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE FREAK BOY! if he had picked up someone that night,and told me that….I’d be less angry. I loathe someone insulting my intelligence. I loathe it. But! As I said….freak boy’s last and final text or chance to speak to me….set me free from him…I AM NOT CRAZY! I NEVER WAS! IT WAS HIM THROUGH THOSE 4 YEARS OF HELL.NOT ME! Im so getting bored with talking about him and “the text” How is everyone today?

      2. Oh I know, wasn’t really saying anything more then what I wanted to hear, LOL! How’s everyone’s hump day?! Cold and windy day, this winter’s been very cold here in the S/W. As they say, cold as a witch’s tiddy! So I wonder why I scramble to stay warm & high on these long winter nights, the only thing that’s kept me going was my recent ( now defunct it would appear since yesterday) love fling. It fell flat, he texted me yesterday and said that the chemistry wasn’t there for him and now’s gone silent ( the texts). I still am so taken by how great this new fella was, we had tons in common- bizarrely so and NO it wasn’t him mirroring me, it was legit, concrete coincidences. He’s a fantastic musician and since we all are on here sharing songs that help us through these difficult days, please give a listen ( esp. lyrics which he wrote):

        He’s one cool cat, I guess everything was too easy breezy for him as well, he said as much in his Dear John email! I am going to press for us to stay in contact, I know how if it gets too heavy right away it can intimidate even the most seasoned daters!
        I am just in awe that the Universe chose me to meet such a fine soul so quickly into my discard phase, and the pain I was in not so long ago. I reread my blogs on the various threads on here yesterday. It kept me from my initial thought of how I could just drop my spath a line! Eeeegads- it’s crazy I know. It kept me from all the way until this morning with my first cup of java.
        I texted my new/old love only to see a text from crazy. After nearly 2 weeks of NC but I took the opportunity to let him know I have moved on, and gave some wonderful details about this guy to just let him know.
        Amazingly, he was very happy for me, and went on about how he misses me, when would he see me again?! I just was coy and ambiguous. I am not going to tell him it’s already over ( or is it?). Let him think what he wants, but I am so much stronger this time. I know he is a scorpion! LOL now Bobbie I am not referring to anything about the astrology! But I do, actually, about the astrology, as my BFF Penny, who is in the whispy background of the Universe, and always with me, she taught me so much about as she was def. a gifted paranormal.

        Oh Yall, just hang in there, what I am doing. I am so glad that Positivagirl and Phoenix, a shout to everyone who has been in this such wonderful community. All my cyber pals. And I Second the Movement that we should all meet in the host’s perspective city ( is it London?) some day! That would be fantastic!

      3. Hello all 🙂

        Bonnie Jeane,

        I know how you feel. These creatures are off the reservation. It’s easy to get upset, but think of who we are talking about….a SPATH! :p I know for a fact you’ve come a long way regardless of minuscule setbacks.

        As you know, this site helps tremendously. Literally, thanks to Positivagirl, I am doing GREAT. I am talking to a few guys and dating one. He is FUN, has a job, highly educated, and REAL. No over the top acting at all. I enjoy socializing again. What kills me is I am getting what I want now…companionship without commitment. The spath crossed my boundaries, pushing me to be exclusive. OF COURSE what he really meant was I can’t see other people but he can. He is so dirty and gross, like an abomination. What is there to miss about his ” love “? Miss the risk of getting a disease? YUCK! Lol

        The ex is easy to “unlove”, and I bet yours is too, sooner or later. The one I had stuck in my life was scheming, had a sadustic mind, foul hidden lifestyle (with men and women ), weird fetishes, definitely an absolutely “dirty body” etc. I could go on and so could you. They are REPULSIVE. We don’t really WANT that, do we ?! I am rooting for you! 🙂

  28. MY Goodness! THANK YOU Positivagirl!
    I am going through terrible depression now and I keep going between that and rage (controlled of course) exercise helps a little and reading your blog and all the posts! This is very very helpful and it reminds me to focus on me which can be so hard when the SP has steered you towards them through stupid repetitive habits. I have been writing some things into the notes section of my phone bc usually its easier where ever I am. Then when I’m having a tough moment I re read what I wrote and it helps a little bit. A few books about co dependency no more by melody beattie and another one on verbal abuse by Patricia Evans has helped a bit and one on narcissism but I cant remember the author.

    Anyway, I hope you never shut down this site, it is too good !
    THANKS as always 🙂

    1. Elise,

      Do EXACTLY that. Go over your posts, what you’ve been thru, what you’ve learned. I wrote down the really mean things he did to me, behind my back, physical abuse, whatever. I read over things again and again as needed. Some days were VERY HARD. However, I just kept reading everything here. OVER AND OVER. You are doing great and you will soon be doing very well. Let these tough times pass. We all went through them. ALL of us. You can do this. Focus on the TRUTH. You will be freed! 💜

      1. Hi Bunnyshy
        Thanks for your message. Again Helpful and so supportive!!
        Today sucked as many lately. I want to get over thinking of him as a friend or as someone that I liked or still like. I hate it ! I don’t want to hate but I want to move on and can’t stand that I miss his text messages, seeing him etc.
        I want him to fall for someone really bad and have them play him just like he did me. only worse ! I hate what I have turned into. My sister says that my personality has changed for the worse. Ugh!!
        It’s nice to hear from you and I will keep reading the posts over again and hoping soon to change into a better person and not ever get tangled up with that sort again 😦

      2. Elise,

        Sweetheart, I was exactly where you are right now. EVERYTHING you are saying and feeling is where I was too, for months. If you read thru the posts on all the subjects, I was there saying what you are saying. One day you will genuinely feel like you NEVER want a call, text, or anything from this guy. You will not want to check on him or be friends anymore. That day is going to come.

        I was ADDICTED to mine. Technically though, it was just the FANTASY he created. The real him is the devil. Why would you and I want that? I know this is hard to register fully right now, but make NO CONTACT. No text, email, calls, whatever. Block it all. No looking around for him either. He has NOTHING healthy to offer you. THIS IS DONE AND OVER WITH. NO MORE. YOU CAN DO IT. xx

  29. Hi Bunnyshy
    You are so nice :). Your words so great and helpful.
    I guess I just have to wait for time to pass and keep reading and
    you are correct , No good can come from him. For sure.
    I would feel ok and then not safe. I didn’t want to be this sad or angry but I guess I have to go through the stages.
    I cant really tell you how much I appreciate your messages because It sure makes a difference to know their is light at the end of the tunnel.
    Thank you so very much again. xo
    I’m going to read what you said over and over and over and ….

    1. Elise,

      I am here for you. We are all here for you. You are in great hands here. This is the best site ever made for this subject. I have an aol address if you would like to email me. It’s tbunnyshy. Just keep taking care of yourself and give it time 😉

      1. Bunnyshy
        Thank you so much !! I was crying the whole fucking day.
        I feel like I’m getting worse. How the hell could I miss someone who made me feel so insignificant? I read and read and then I nod my head and a few minutes later I wish he would call or text (which I know he will never do again). My cat passed this last week and I haven’t spoke with my father for almost 20 years and I heard he cant get up now and I feel so fucked up (don’t know what to do). Anyway, you are an angel for all the support you have given to me (one I’ve never had). I think I will never date again. I go over it and over it. He criticized everything about me (and then he would hug and kiss me, wtf). I once said to him do you even like me and he said yes. Go figure what the hell that meant. I’m so confused and trying to change faster than is humanely possible. I did go to the bookstore today to read the books and get out (trying to not be such a hermit) and I do remember to try to take care of myself. Thanks to your good words 🙂 I truly am grateful for your support and this incredible site.

  30. i love exercises like the above. My mind is often cluttered with mixed feelings and emotions and this helps me to see it better.

    My psychologist wants me to write my life story, so that we can see where the patterns of choosing bad relationships stem from. Any ideas as how i do this?

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