Josephs story of being targeted by a female sociopath
When i think about our 2 weeks of talking via social network before meeting i realize all the questions were profiling me. When I first met with this woman she was perfect, I mean everything she said and did made me realize how did I live my life without her. She made me feel as though I pulled her life out of the dumps and made a safe, secure & stable life for her and her children. I knew i was a Man but That made me feel even more like a man.
She tried to get me to move in within the first 3 weeks of us first meeting in person. I kept saying no, and when she finally asked me why I told her I don’t play house and I wont move in with anyone until I am ready to get married. Then she bought a ring … gave it to me and said no rush Joseph, when ever your ready I just want you to know I am ready to be your wife this was 2 months in. I thought about this for a week and could find NO reason not to go through with it because she was all I ever wanted. after 3 months of being engaged we finally found the “perfect” house to raise our “perfect” family This was November 2013.
The first month was magical, breakfast everyday before work, dinner on the table when I got home from work, laundry done every day and folded. She didn’t work that first month at all and kept saying how she loved just being home and not having to have to work. I paid for everything. Towards the middle of Dec.. we had the talk about How she needed to get back to work soon so we could have a “non struggling & happy” home situation with all the bills/rent being paid. That’s when I started to see things change.
Towards the middle of December. She started to turn the charm back on and I didn’t understand why such the flip, everything was good but it was like “honeymoon stage” all over again. re boosted my energy and I was all in again. That’s when she asked me to link my personal bank acct, I said no, she asked to let me do my taxes ..I said no, then I told her all my savings was gone on Jan 1st. ( I lied but I was starting to get weird feelings about the situation)
So from mid of Dec. to Jan 1st. (2 weeks) she started pulling away, wouldn’t come to bed, on her ipad all night. Claiming she was having major stomach issues, female issues. so I felt sympathetic for her and was hoping it would all get better soon. I paid Jan’s rent on Saturday Jan 4th.
She had it planned that when I went to work on Jan 6th they were going to move my stuff out to a storage unit that she rented on Jan 2nd. before I paid rent. I Was sick that day and she lied and told me she called off work to spend the day with me because I was sick. I was so happy feeling things were turning around, then Tuesday was exactly the same more happiness and things seemed like they were turning around. Cuddling at bedtime .. everything was perfect. I woke up to go to work on Wednesday, kissed her on the head and told her I loved her, she grabbed my hand and kissed it and said she loved me to and see me soon. Wed. I had to stay at my parents house by work because of the weather, she called that night before bed telling me that she loved, missed me and couldn’t wait to see me Thursday. Thursday after noon she text me, while im at work telling me it was over and she had moved my stuff out to a storage unit. That she was done and I was getting a certified letter explaining everything.
She wouldn’t respond to my calls, texts anything that day. I got the letter Thursday just as she said, the reasons were lies, and made me feel bad about myself. She took extra effort to make me die inside. Then all contact was gone. I spoke with her 1 time telling her I was shutting off all the utilities if soon to protect myself. She assured me that she was putting them & the lease in her name that she could afford them easily by herself, then she told me to stop contacting her because no one liked me, cared or wanted to ever hear from me.
I was devastated. I found out she had another man at the end of December, he helped her move my stuff out, and opened a hair salon with all the equipment needed and now she is enjoying that. 3 guys she has done this to before found out what happened and they have been a tremendous help in this. Sorry for the long story but your article has helped so much in understanding. I am slowly healing, dealing with the memories and trying to get myself back. Thank you once again.
I wanted to raise Joseph’s comment as a separate post, as it does prove, that the only difference between a male and female sociopath, is society, and gender expectations (as written in the post female sociopath).
With Joseph’s permission, I have put this as a post. As this story does highlight how sociopaths follow an identical pattern of behaviour, regardless of gender.
What are your thoughts?
180 thoughts on “A male victims story of a female sociopath!”
Your lucky I guess? I got out of something similar in September last year. House deposit down, she had no contribution to make. Texting my parents to say I’d proposed when I hadn’t. I called her out on a few things & suggested the relationship should cease. 2 weeks after the breakup & no contact from her whatsoever she is spotted entering our rented home with another guy. 3 weeks after that she announces with full Facebook tackiness that’s she’s engaged to the new guy & she’s never been happier! A bit of a head check by me.
They don’t care they will tell you what you want to hear & do what you expect them to do. But tug at that mask & then the fun begins!
I’m so glad I’m out of it. I have never heard from her since that Wednesday morning in September 2013 when I was asked to leave after I questioned how she could spend our money on gym shoes when we needed things for our new home.
New guy will be getting it via bucket loads! Hot sex, food the perfect mate! But hey that mask will slip & whoosh he won’t know where his perfect fiancé has gone
You’re so right man, She did anything and everything a man could’ve ever wanted, in bed and in the kitchen to make me believe this was real. The guy she has now … well he will understand soon enough.
Your situation would have been my situation if I did not cut contact with her. Luckily I saw it before things got to that point. Wish I saw this site a year ago, because I used to associate the sociopath term with the likes of Charles Manson.
Joseph, your ex sounds just like my ex and the woman he dumped me for named Lizzette Hamilton of Manhattan, NY. She’s on FB and I put her full name on here because I want to save every man from that bitch of a sociopath. Her and my ex are made for each other. When I found out about him cheating on me with her, I called her to let her know he’s playing the both of us. Don’t you know this woman bragged about not being in love with him and using him for his money while being engaged with someone else. Well, after that tramp bragged this so call story, I did a background check on her. Come to find out, she is already married and lied about being engaged. My ex didn’t care after I told him this information. He is using her for the sex and trophy status. Its only a matter of time before who cheats on whom first. I’m sorry you experienced this but don’t make the next woman you meet pay for your ex deceitful deeds. Always look for a woman to have some flaws rather than totally perfect. In reality, no woman or man is perfect. Its the perfect image that are red flags.
My Ex-Spath did try to lure me in with domestic charm & good sex (damn I miss that)..but had a hard time keeping her mask on. Her mask slipped whenever she drank. She literally couldn’t help herself. So, our magical nights and sweet whispers were pock marked at an early point by her insanity. My mistake…was that I felt sorry for her and thought I could help her and her kids (who resented me cuz I wasn’t their dad). They sucked me dry emotionally and spiritually. Thank god not financially. She is so pissed at me for not giving into her regime financially
I literally just walked away from a relationship with a woman like that yesterday. She destroyed me inside and out. She changed after 3 to 4 months of being in the relationship. The day before she broke up with me she put a black ribbon on my hand….got me drunk me and then told me while I was in a stupor that I was wasting my time etc. She used all my accusations against me and tried to make me look crazy. I totally lost myself and need to get myself back. I don’t know where to even begin.
That woman sounds exactly like my former husband. The story is much the same. I was married within 3 months of meeting this man. I know it does not ease the pain much, but I would like to say to you this.
I stayed with my husband for 27 years before leaving that private hell.
The financial and emotional damage is devastating, but we can rebuild.
It may sound cliche, and I’m sure it doesn’t make you hurt any less, but always remember that she does not define you, she cannot ruin who you are, and that eventually the damage will mend.
I force myself to thank him (in my head) for the lessons learned.
You have a full life ahead of you. That is the good part about your story.
There are many stages of grief I think, through which we all pass at our own rate.
I thank you for sharing your story. and may you find peace in the wreckage, and joy in your life as it is and for what lies ahead.
I quite agree, its identical to the pattern of behaviour, and I think a good example of how female sociopaths are the same as their male counterparts… hopefully they can meet each other (male and female socio) further down the line (why doesn’t that happen more often) and destroy each others lives.
I imagine it wouldn’t happen because they are deliberately seeking partners who they can easily manipulate due to their empathetic and caring natures, which of course people like them don’t possess.
I will second , third and fourth that sentiment !!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I watch some of these shows on TV and can not tell who was the Sociopath in the relationship.
Thanks so much for posting this, it proves that sociopaths are wired the same way, male and female. The best you, I wish I saw this site a year ago because I would have been more apprised. The people on this site are very nice because no one openly called me an a hole for marital infidelity, because of the extreme influence the sociopath had on me, while my marriage was in shambles before, during, and after my experience. However, 7 months after I still ask myself, “How could I”
Actually, My sister in law’s ex husband, who is my ex husband’s brother, has found himself a mirror image sociopath girlfriend. She has already driven through his garage door, (literally), found him in with yet another sociopath girlfriend, beat the heck out of both of them, and they are all now at each other’s throats and in some sort of farcicle love affair as well, while he yet stalks my sister in law. It is crazy. They, the sociopaths, deserve each other. It does happen.
Thank you Bewildered, Its coming slowly. I am eternally grateful for the 3 guys she did this to before me. They reached out to me and gave me the truth. They helped me realize it wasn’t me that all 4 of our situations started and ended the same. I just hope I can get the trust back. No good woman ever deserves to pay for what she’s done.
That’s it isn’t it…the trust…how do we trust again.
Joseph, your story is heartbreaking, and my heart goes out to you. She reminds me of my own ex-psychopath. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be able to trust like did! Just remember, it wasn’t you, it was her! You did nothing wrong to deserve what happened to you! But I admit, you’ll meet a lot of “crap” people out there, so getting to the good ones won’t be simple or easy. In time, you will heal, and you’ll find your smile again! Big hugs!
All I can say is WOW… I am here suffering the reality again that I shared with Joseph. This is my 2nd go around with the 2nd sociopath in a row. I ran across this article by chance and Joseph and I share the 1st
Woman and experience. As messed up as they are I now am forced to look inside myself as a most likely co dependent. Joe and my stories are very similar w 1st woman ill call A. I made a bad decision on later entering a relationship with an aquaintance of As. Call her J. She was a lie from the get go. Supposed OSU grad w degree in psych. Goin thru a divorce “supposedly” even introduced me to her husband when we were out on a date without batting an eye. Told me he wanted to meet me cause they were friends and he wanted her to be happy… later found out she told him we were just friends. She was still attending marriage counseling with him then coming to see me. All this just for starters of 2.5 years filled with lies, cheating and manipulation beyond any level I’ve ever experienced. Lies on top of lies to cover up lies, literally. I could write a book about the heartless lack of care these 2 women exhibit. It is unreal how they move rite into the next relationship without breaking stride. A caught me by suprise like she did Joseph. J walked on me as I permitted her to and did it free of any remorse or care. I can’t prove it but my emails are now disapearing, theones she’s sent me since I found the courage to walk away and go no contact ofcourse included. Now I have to fix me. As messed up as she truely is, as sad of an exhistance it is to see and understand, I now need to be selfish and heal. Also change me to never get myself into another situation like this again. Peace to you Joseph, God Bless
Been through much the same twice fast move in and marriage, kids, not the second time round, I smelt a rat and was very quickly discarded. Have just finished paying 18 years of child support for a child that hates me and never wants anything to do with me. The upside done heaps of work on myself and now a counsellor, I am very aware when guys come to me with these problems with sociopaths
oh joseph. I am so sorry. I just read a book titled “gone girl”..this woman you speak of,reminds me of the female spath in the book. It’s so bizarre,how someone,can live an existence like your x? I am no angel,but wow? Ive never even broke up with guy,cuz Im such a wuss! And joseph,all I know is…..be happy,you are not like this beast you got duped by.
Thank you Bobbie, I could never be like her. I actually have emotions and sincerely care about people that I love. Yea I agree about how can they live that existence. Her kids are 4 and 5 and we simply adored each other. When I got home from work and showered they were all about me. I loved that and honestly I think I miss that most. She is desensitizing them. I’m sad for them
I am sorry for you and her children for this. It is a shame as they deserve so much better.
They are all exactly the same! They all are users. I’d say good riddance to her and be glad she’s gone. One day it all catches up with sociopathic losers and what they wind up with in the end is nothing! Good riddance to bad garbage😉
Miss K, that’s where I am .. all the heartbreak has turned into rage. I could never imagine treating someone like that. At least the kids are able to be safe in the home I made for them.
Joseph, you are a wonderful man! You deserve the best life has to offer! That woman would have treated your children terribly because to her, a sociopath, they have no use. Be strong for your self and your kids. A woman who sees you beautiful soul will be your blessing.
I suppose many of us have been in similar situations at one point or the other. Lessons learned! In the beginning, sometimes it is hard to know who is sincere and who is not. It is a good idea to watch how a person treats other people. If they are abusive or rude to other people that they do not like…..remember that could be you one day. Be careful…..
Very similar to my experience. A female sociopath will always be superficially affectionate and provide very intense sex. But when it comes to following through on promises or being responsible, that’s when the mask will come off.
Take care to make sure you cut off all economic and practical ties with this woman. If you feel like she’s got access to any accounts, close them and open new (clean) ones. Also, make sure your mutual friends know that she is not to know anything about your life going forward – sociopaths will keep tabs on you to see if you can be of further use down the road.
THNT , you have been hammered this way as well I take it ?
Any credit or debit cards just assume that they have taken screenshots front and back ( mine used it on Amazon online there was nothing I could do about it )
Any passwords assume she has got every last one if you keep them written down or she has watched you type them in . Check all your direct debits haven t been cancelled in your online banking ( mine cancelled a mortgage direct debit , caused me all sorts of grief ) there is no end to what these loonies will do , hack ebay , paypal , email accounts , bank accounts. Lock you out of them all & change all your recovery information and revovery email addresses , it is endless amounts of grief ……..
Hey Nick – I didn’t have any of my accounts drained, but I think it’s good practice to change these details. The simple truth is that sociopaths are logging lots of info about you, and just because YOU think it’s over, it may not be over to HER.
I know that the sociopath I just dated continues to soil the reputation of a guy she dated back in 2011 – 3 years earlier. So they can be huge grudge holders – even when they are the ones visiting psychological violence on others.
Just checking in seeing how you are doing
Thank you THNT! She has kept a couple of my friends on facebook after she blocked me probly to keep track of me. She actually has pictures of me on her facebook still. I assumed it was to keep up the sympathy from other people.
Oh the mutual friends is a tricky one. It depends how close you are to those mutual friends. Sometimes If not close its an idea to restrict their access to your info. They won’t know and it’s your way of retaining privacy.
I can say that the pattern of behaviour you report is identical to the pattern of a male sociopath. Assessment seduction gaming and then she was off am sure she would have financially ruined you if she could. They are parasites for sure.
Only she knows exactly what purpose those photos will serve. But trust me, it’s not because she feels any lingering love or affection.
At the end of my relationship, I learned that my socio had been keeping tabs on all her prior 3 boyfriends via Facebook and mutual friends. There’s some kind of “collector of souls” thing going on there.
Bottom line: Keep in mind that even though she was the aggressor, in her twisted mind, you somehow don’t deserve any future happiness.
Joseph, I am very sorry this happened to you. Aside from details, it seems as though there is a pattern of behaviour, which is similar to other stories I have read, and and to mine. As soon as the sociopath (male or female) realizes that things are not going her/his way, the path is “outta here”, just playing you along long long enough to ensure that they have another source all lined up.
I know so well how this hurts. The cruelty and nastiness and crazy making of the break-up with a sociopath is nothing like the break up of a more healthy or normal relationship, where two people just realize that things are not going to work out.
Good for you for being suspicious and not giving her what she was after. The pain, confusion and self doubt can feel unbearable at times, but you got out quickly, if that is any consolation. Hang in there.
Deepest empathy to all of us that have encountered these subhuman people. They are all the same. May you find healing and love here.
Thanks for sharing Joseph – second by second & day by day…keep going! The healing can be unbearable at times, but when it happens – you will find you may be a better person for it if you can believe that. I certainly never did and it’s been four years. Just now happening for me!
I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. I was with mine for over 10 years, helped him become an American citizen and for all my love and affection, I was left bankrupt, unemployed, homeless, and emotionally broken.
I am so glad that you didn’t spend years trying to figure out if you were going crazy because nothing made sense, yet you were the one being blamed for it all. It’s just a sick, cruel game for them and if they can win the brass ring, so much the better.
I’m sorry to hear that Celeste! No one deserves that. You are so right, its sick, cruel and a game for them. They have no emotions or consideration for anyone but themselves. I hope all of us that have been ran through by these people get a quick healing ( if that’s even possible). It’s been such a struggle, I do ok during the day .. but even still at night I wake up rolling over to find nothing. Then I just tell myself .. everything was a lie. Everything was a lie. I used to stopped saying she will get hers because I found out that she has been doing this for a very long time with no blowback. So now, I’m just trying to heal, love myself again and trying to trust. Its only been 3 weeks but it feels like years.
My friend, her life is her blowback: she feels no love, she cannot ever get close to another human being, she is constantly paranoid (since she is worried an ex will take revenge AND that a current victim will figure her out), and has no purpose in life that goes beyond small, petty manipulations.
Did deep mate , she would have put you in an early grave . You may not see it now , but you have had the narrowest escape of your life , I absolutely promise you that without question , no one on this site will argue with this post .
I know 😦 her ex husband and his family is having grief from her 11 years on , its beyond anything I have ever heard of or ever want to hear of ever again in my life . He has just gone to the police to try and have her done for harassment , its a never ending nightmare for him . Stay alert and never drop your guard from these things. Male or Female , they are the most dangerous things we will ever encounter . I would rather try reasoning with an alligator
Wow the “Collector of Souls” comment really hit home man. Ty for that it makes sense. I realize that is exactly what she’s doing because she always had something to say about her ex’s. When I asked why do they even matter she’d get upset and say how she’s surprised they haven’t tried to contact me. It all makes sense now. You all have been such a great help.
No worries Joseph.
The “Collector of Souls” label comes from a Freudian psychoanalyst I knew from my business school days. Perfect for sociopaths, because it hits on how they like to collect little shards of peoples’ lives.
A little tid bit from my sociopath ex:
Her: Yeah, I can’t believe after 4 years that he didn’t want to be friends.
Me: Really? You kicked him out of your place while he was at work, and wouldn’t even talk to him about why.
Her: Well, everyone gets mad. I guess he’s just too important and successful for me now. Oh and yeah it’s so weird that he is now so happy with his new girlfriend, like a world traveler now or something.
In retrospect, this stuff is so unbelievably crazy for anyone to think, much less actually say out loud.
I like to call what these entity’s have done….soul rape. I have a patient,who is a psychologist…I was at his home the other day,providing care for him…I looked over at his coffee table…and saw stacks of a book titled “soul rape”…turns out…he wrote it. He gave me a copy,and it hit the nail on the head. They rape your soul.
I found a reference to emotional rape a few weeks back… I believe that is probably the same thing as soul rape.
And no one can understand what you are going through, unless they have gone through it as well. That is why this blog is so valuable – no platitudes from people who presume to know how you are feeling. Only empathy from people who DO know how you are feeling.
Nick, we’ve obviously never met but I sincerely am happy that you got out.
I absolutely agree that sociopaths are dangerous in a way that is very hard to understand/accept. I tell my friends who are keen to hear about the warning signs that you must 1) erase everything you know about ordinary humans, 2) assume you’ve never seen a new species of humanoid, and 3) then objectively observe their behavior so the true ends and intentions can be identified.
Think of sociopaths as a new animal species, and you’re taking the first positive step to realizing how unusually and unusually dangerous they truly are.
Your comment is right ” unusually dangerous ” sums it up .
Even though I had worked out that this creature was unhinged to a point of complete and utter madness , a part of you thinks … Maybe I got it wrong .
It was only when I read everyone elses stories here ( most have multiple similarities with mine ) , I just accepted it as the undeniable truth . There is just too much evidence for me . Either we are suffering from a mass delusion ( with people right across the world who we have never met ) or these utterly dangerous , malevolent ” things ” exist .
The hardest part for me is actually trying to convince even some of my closest lifelong friends just how dangerous they are . People just think you are a little bit hysterical , I feel like I m the one in Jaws shouting ” shark , shark ” . Its like I m trying to convince people that vampires are real .
Hi Nick & Truth;
I am a very linear thinker. Everything has to be in black and white and even in a gray area I look for the logic in order to prove or disprove something – probably to an extreme.
So when things started going stupid with my ex (SP & Narcissist) I spent all of my time just trying to make sense of things. Many times I was still stuck back on lie A while he was busy spinning lies B, C & D trying to cover up for A. I was in a constant state of confusion and at one point I even thought I was developing some sort of mental deficiency (early-onset Alzheimers, etc.) which just added to the confusion. But I began to realize that I was able to carry on normally when he wasn’t around and began to wonder how I could handle all the stress and responsibilities of work with out any problems or misunderstandings yet when I walked through the door the world turned topsy-turvy.
Malevolent is a good word for them. They take evil to an entirely new level because they do it in the name of “love”.
There is much to say about what’s happened to you, but most important let me say how sorry I am that you had to experience this. Like you and the others on this site, I have gone through the devastation of the ending of a relationship with a sociopath. It’s been a few years, so my healing has taken place and I am much healthier emotionally now. However, I recall at the end I simply had no idea what hit me. Simply put, I didn’t understand…until I started reading and learning. It was then that I realized what I was up against for almost four years.
I, too, could roll over to nothing and it hurt like hell. But know this…this was not you. It’s so difficult to understand how these “relationships” turn out to be such a lie, but they are. These people have empty souls…and believe it or not right now, you are very lucky to be out of this. It’ll take time to heal, so give yourself that time.
Stay strong my friend…..
I went out with a female sociopath for two years, it ended last May and I have only been ok Since about October, only just met someone else took me that long to get over even partly. It is horrific what you will be going through and so unlike any normal break up you will feel so much better in time though. As others have said you are so lucky to have found out now and not ten years down the line etc these people are totally evil, manipulative and parasites. My ex did the whole soul mates, amazing sex, looked after every need of mine etc. Was happy for me to pay for nearly everything. We got a apartment together in Jan 2013 and booked a holiday she wanted marriage and kids (had their names already) I told her to wait a bit and that she needed to work more (had a low paid part time job) Out of the blue after this she wanted a couple of days to think about our future so asked me to stay at my parents for a few nights. She was happy for me to take her to lunch each day teach her to drive etc told me she loved me everything would be fine but in fact she had a new guy round my flat she had just met all three nights. They had sex in my bed etc whilst lying about everything the lies were crazy and so in depth I cant go into the detail here . I caught her out took her key off her and chucked her out. She had the audacity to tell me the police would arrest me if I didn’t give her the stuff id bought her back and the 10% she had put towards are holiday. Big shock she moved in with the guy she had met 3 days before after this. Found out from her dad she had always been a compulsive liar. She lied to me about numerous things including her name, age, education, jobs, where she had been in the world, sexual partners, sexuality (I don’t think they can be straight as they are just a shell will take from whoever) etc always pity playing apparently been rapped had a abortion etc such a joke. When She new it was over and I took those keys she gave me creepiest look and stare with her eyes I saw the real “person” there was nothing there she just laughed and walked off out the drive with the guy. So trust me you are very lucky these people are not human. You will be ok time heels everything you have no idea how lucky you are to be out trust me! (no comfort now I realise)
Ah yes …… The good old rape / abortion card …. Sick beyond sick .
Did you have the pregnancy as well with the Doctor massively concerned about health concerns for the ” unborn baby ” just to twist the knife a bit more ?
Oh man she claimed she thought she was pregnant with a tubal pregnancy. That didn’t pan out then she thought she had Colitis. One of the guys before me told me she had endometriosis. so yea. towards the end in between honeymoon stages she wouldn’t want sex because of the “pain” she was in. .. its so crazy how all these sociopaths use the same patterns without even talking. Sad and very sick.
Well my ex also said after the “abortion” the doctor told her she might not be able to have kids. Then towards the end I found out she had stopped taking the pill without telling me just putting it in a little bowl. pretending it was her old pill of course so lucky she did not get pregnant that would of been horrific with her been crazy! I was terrified when I got rid of the parasite for months she maybe pregnant!
Man I totally feel you Rob. That look. Before I deleted all her pictures I looked at everyone .. right in her eyes and noticed that the glow on her face couldn’t hide the emptiness in those eyes anymore. I am looking forward to healing. I am a lot better than I was and these boards and all of you and your support have helped me so much. I’d be in a very bad place with you guys & gals so thank you very much. I am now currently experiencing the anger stage of grief.. Hate it I have never been an angry person but I find myself lashing out about little dumb stuff. Trying to get myself back. But I have learned one thing.. You all are right, I am glad its over. Even tho I miss the person she pretended to be. She is totally evil, she knew just what to say and how to act. Man gives me the shivers thinking how evil people are. Thanks again all of you!!
I agree that it is hard to get over a sociopath experience. My expath pity played, had breast lumps, angina, pacemakers, an “ex husband” who had a stroke, no money, multiple job losses, drug addictions illegal, prescribed drug addictions, alcoholism, bipolarity, etc. You name it, she had it. Also she used to have 5 million American dollars and a nice southern California house. In addition, she had numerous addresses once she left LA county. Its messed up when I read this post, I almost feel like my past horrid experiences are being reiterated.
Although my marriage was on the rocks to begin with and my wives manipulative parents were driving me out, that sociopath was using it to charm me and force a divorce. My wife took me back, and I am lucky and am not taking it for granted because both of us were on the outs, but I view my past actions as out of line and I do have flashbacks, but life is manageable. When I apprised my wife of what happened, I instantly thought I was going curbside, and felt that I did not deserve her. We got separated for a while, and my wife bonded with another gentleman, but she new we got lost and read this site multiple times and understood the severity of what a sociopath can do.
When my wife kicked me out, the sociopath thought I was going to make the 1200 mile drive to California, but I shocked her and went to Florida instead. More later. But best of luck to all and you too.
I didn t realise she took you back 🙂
There is hope yet then . I hope it stays a happy ending 🙂
Great post Rob, I can relate to almost everything in that after my 3 year experience. The stare, Jesus the stare. It really hits home when the person you truly loved stares back at you with those dead fish eyes and expressionless face. It hurts like hell to know that, that person you loved felt nothing for you, you stopped playing the game. Your dead to them!
Exactly United and it doesn’t take long for that flip either. My ex wrote me a letter claiming that I was like living with a kid. How she wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore because I was gay, that floored me .. how could someone you shared that with say such things. Then I realized she was just trying to ruin me, break my heart and totally destroy the person I was. Was truly pathetic. They are heartless, selfish people. I feel sorry for her kids and hope their fathers get custody of them before its to late.
Don t hold your breath for the custody for the Fathers I m afraid . I ve seen things you truly would not believe from a female spath to make sure she keeps her possessions / pawns …… I.e. The children .
The Fathers of her 2 kids have backed right off her for fear she will harm or kill the children if they make any successful attempts to expose her as a psychopath . For what its worth , I agree with them , its tragic beyond tragic
I’m not religious but the last few seconds I saw her when she new the whole game was up it was like looking into the eyes of the devil id put it that strong It was so creepy I have never seen anything remotely like that! And then when she actually laughed as she walked off I was in so much shock, I realised the person I loved and wanted to marry was not even real its like the love of our life has died yet then you realise they were not even real its the biggest head f*ck possible. I had it explained to me that once you know the truth and are of zero use to them if they saw you drop down with a heart attack they would walk past you as if you were an object like a table! You cant even explain it to friends really once you start talking about sociopaths and psychopaths they just think your bitter that your ex cheated etc they cant understand. This site pretty much saved me last year. The worst part is I’m with someone new finally and happy but every time something slightly different happens (like we were txting tonight then she fell asleep for two hours then txt back) I think wow could she be cheating and lying to me like my ex etc its hard to trust anyone again! I’m always looking for signs of lying! Good luck everyone!
You have more than likely been a few rounds with the closest approximation to the Devil you will ever meet
That is exactly it. I was in love with a person that never existed; yet I touched him, slept next to him, broke bread with him, laughed with him, told him my secrets……. The body that my one true love used to inhabit still walks and breathes, yet the person never existed. And that does mess with your head in a way that defies explanation.
The day that I finally realized that I was living with a stranger was the day that I finally became afraid and realized that I had to leave for my own safety. I didn’t know who he was or what he was truly capable of and that was probably the scariest part of all. I had this person in my home, around my kids and family! I count myself lucky that I didn’t end up in a ditch when he found a new woman with a new bank account for him to drain.
That’s my biggest fear of all bro, I don’t want anyone else to suffer from me being treated this way. You’re right tho, I could’ve have fell over and she wouldn’t have cared at all! I went from trusting being so easy to questioning to myself almost everything . Hope this heals soon.
Definitely good luck.
You have put it perfect. It is truly horrific and bizarre that the person you loved was not even real its like something out of some crazy film! The amount of time wasted on these people hurts and it evens make me feel sick to think I slept and shared so much with such a evil weirdo!
It is very scary when you find out the truth as its hard to know what someone with no morals or empathy is capable of. Its all hard not to become paranoid and think they are hacking into all your bank accounts, social media and what they might be telling mutual friends. Then you start realising all the weird things in the past and how it now all makes sense the lies they told the cheating etc its like your head is spinning everywhere and you become obsessed with it really is that horrific!
While I feel terrible for all of us, I am relieved to know that I am not alone because at one point I truly believed there was something wrong with me. I even feared I was developing early onset Alzheimer’s at one point, because it reached a point where we couldn’t have a conversation without him later denying that he had said what I remembered up to and including denial that we even discussed it.
Living with my SP was absolutely crazy making but he was always so confident in what he was saying. When it was something that I was truly passionate about but he wanted to deny, he would hug me and tell me it was OK that I had forgotten because I was under a lot of stress from work, etc. and I was getting older and “these things happen” yet it was really him lying his way out of yet another problem his previous lies had created.
I know he doesn’t know computers well enough to risk a hack at this point, but I also changed passwords, user names, etc. prior to leaving.
My next big step is to change my phone number, which will leave only my email as a way he can contact me. I just hate having to change everything in my life because of him – we’ve been separated for 17 months but it seems like every time I think I have taken care of everything, I find something else that I have to change in order to make sure I am rid of him for good. He still controls things simply by existing! It’s like they are minions of Satan himself!
Thank you for posting this. It is good for women to see both sides of the story! I am so sorry this happened to you Joseph, but it happened to me too, but I felt something inside and so I never crossed the bridge financially with him, nor would I allow him to alter my life in any way with my friends or family. In fact, when I felt something amiss, I immediately shut him off of the sex (as I am sure I was his source for that among other things), and he walked. A year and nine months later (while living withe the next source), he contacted me. So me, being an empath, and trying to be nice would politely talk to him, but I never crossed the line again. After two years of listening to him, and listening to the crazy merry-go-round of his moods, lies, and trying to manipulate again (although I didn’t bite this time), I just got sick of it. I realized that I would never see the man I once loved again as he just didn’t exist.
This site helped me a lot along the way. It was because of this site that I was leery of him and never gave in. And as I said, I finally got sick of his craziness, starting laughing at him all the time, which made the mask fly furiously off! hahaha So I had to shut off all communication (as I should have done from the beginning), and I was good and ready to be rid of him. AND THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN POSITIVGIRL FOR EVERYTHING!
Definitely Positivgirl has been a lifesaver to me. Before coming here to this site, I longed for the moment she would connect with me and just say she’s sorry so I could forgive her for everything and show her how strong I loved her. Then I came here, read and learned about sociopaths. Then when she contacted me and told me no one loves me, cares about me or even wants to hear from me. Before that would have crushed me but now I honestly laughed realizing that her true colors were showing thru. So once again thank all of you for everything. You have helped me go from devasted to looking forward to healing, rebuilding and moving on. Anytime anyone needs to talk I’d be happy to speak with anyone of you. You have my sincerest gratitude!
Keep sharing, during the good and bad times. Sometimes during my healing process I found myself going one step forward, two steps back. But even at that, know that you are healing.
A quick question guys, hopefully someone will answer?
I still live very near my ex sociopath (I’m 99%) certain she is. Somehow I’ve managed to avoid running into her over this last 5 months, apart from once at the car wash when I just politely waved and moved away from her. Yes I got the blank “your dead to me” look back.
It’s inevitable I’m going to run into her again in the local store etc, etc. How do I play this? A quick hello & move away again? She’s engaged to her new source (was within 5 weeks of the mask slipping) the likelihood is he will be with her. What do I do?
For me, I wouldn’t even acknowledge her at all. To these people, it gives them power knowing you still care to say even hi to them. The next time you see her just don’t say anything. Walk pass her as though she is invisible. There’s no need to be cordial; it would be different if you shared a child with her. My ex socio breaks his neck to say hi to me when he’s driving down the street. I say nothing and don’t even look at him. It kills them not to be acknowledge their presents. They get off on any kind of contact you give them.
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I agree with Cheryl. There is no point in being horrible or shouting at them etc or in being too polite both would please them in different ways I think. Id personally just blank them and be as cold as they are. Id react as if they were not there they are not really human anyway!
Honestly I’d not wave or anything. If I ever see my ex I will turn my head and go the other way as tho she didn’t even exist. As I deleted all our pictures I examined her eyes and I sware 95% of the picture she had a happy face on but her eyes were dead. I’d never give her the privilege of Even a wave, especially not a smile. What she took from me emotionally, mentally & monetary was a pure act of evil. She’s ot worth my time! Just my advice
I had similar experience with mine ex. She was always very careful to appear in a certain way on all her photos. I examined her photos afterwards too (before deleting them), and found emptiness in her eyes too, despite the huge smiles. Once the charming period is over, that is how those eyes look like…
Hey Joseph, today my ex socio reopened twice old emails from me. He knows I receive notification and think I will be prompted to give him a call. NOT! LMAO!
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My situation is pretty similar. Five months passed since I insisted to never more see each other. Since then she managed to begin a relationship with a friend of mine (she flirted with him during mine discard phase). For those 5 months she lives supposedly happily with him as he has a good job. She expanded and overtook a lot of our common friends and integrated in my life in a way to constantly show herself with him and harm me.
I do not have the power to fight, prove or do anything else, as I know how she’s always able to twist anything. My heart aches at the mere look of her or my “friend” who’s with her. So my strategy is isolation and avoidance. I left all those “friends” that she magically managed to get on her side and isolated myself from that circle. I’m still scared of occasional meetings as in your case. But I don’t have words for what she has done and said to me, so I wouldn’t look at her eyes or speak to her. No strength to do so.
We all know mate .
Just keep going one day at a time , we are all thinking of you .
I don t have to ask anyone else on here , I know it just is the case .
Good luck , I pray you get there , ask anything you want here , I have. many times , there are some very good people who will answer you .
United,I live close to my x-SOCIOPATH…and this is a very good question. I’ve only passed him on the street driving…daily….but If I run into him in the store,etc….I am not sure how I will react. very good question
Ty Missouri! It means alot that you’d check in on me :). Yea I am trying hard to get my smile back and move on from this. At first I was so devastated that I had nowhere to go, all my stuff was in a storage. Then the letter saying I was like her kid and she called me gay and that was the reason she did what she did. They are truly messed up. I’m glad I found this site and alot of answers and help. Thank you all
Wow Cheryl, yea that’s pretty twisted of him to do. I hope my ex sociopath ( notice how we all call them our ex sociopaths LOL) doesn’t contact me ever, or at least until I have the strength to ignore her. I have a feeling she will tho when I start shutting off the utilites if she hasn’t put them in her name. The only reason I am giving her any grace with that is her 4 and 5 year old children that just adored me. But that’s coming to a close here in the next 2 days.
It must be hard losing the children too Joseph?
It’s been nearly 17 months, and he still finds a reason to contact me – the last time was for forward me a message about a web page.
I think if they believe they can get anything else out of you they will occasionally check in, just to see what they can get. Since going NC, I’ve found that seeing his mail in my inbox is not as stressful because I know in advance what ever it is in regards to, I am not going to contact him back.
Hi Lost2camelot, I agree in their sick mind; they want to see can our chain one more time. Glenn has been trying to get me for over 2 years. I just laugh at him.
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Hi Joseph, my ex is twisted and he’s still with the tramp and fellow socio Lizzette. You’re better than me giving her any grace period. I wouldn’t even give her kids any thought. For one, the kids are used to play on your caring side. Secondly, your not their responsibility; socios have a way to make you feel their problems are yours. Its best that you block her from your phone and any other method of contacts before her utiliities are shut off.
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Shamed I’d never judge you. These sociopaths are so good at what they do. I moved an hour away from my job & family because she had me believing she was the one. She was a mirror sociopath. Crazy stuff yo. Anytime any of you need or want to chat hit me up. I’ll give you my contact info.
Hey positive girl yes I miss those 2 more than ever, they had my heart!
I’ve been talking to one of my exs victims and he’s helped me cope alot. He’s been a true blessing for me. And today. .. She’s postsOn her Facebook how him and I need to stop making her life horrible and how she will do what she had to to protect her kids. She knows I’ve been talking to him because I forgot to change the password on my Verizon acct and she logged on and checked who I’ve been talking to. Of course she got the sympathy she wanted I Know this because of my friend that she left on her friend’s list called me to find out what I did to Piss her off. Of course as we all Know you don’t have to do anything to them. So now she said she is going to put me on blast with the real reason she broke off our engagement. ..which was her saying I’m gay. And of course all her friends will believe her. Honestly. ..it doesn’t even bother me. It’s totally made up in her crazy mind . Now that I’m over it and I don’t want her back or anything to do with her she now wants to stir the pot. To her surprise I will NOT even respond to her nonsense! She has another victim she needs to leave me alone!!!
I told you Joseph they look for any kind of response good or bad. It gives them more pleasure to rile up feelings. Make sure you shut her out of any way to know your business. That’s a number one priority. It kills the heck out of them to not know what your doing.
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Hi Cheryl, I updated your comment as it showed your email address. Nikki 🙂
Ty Cheryl, yea the only password I forgot to change. I handled that the day I realized but it’s her whole entire goal to destroy me as a person… Not sure why but she will not succeed. I know her and her games and understand as much as I possibly could. Yea I don’t want her to know anything about me. I’m trying to move on and she can go enjoy her new dude in the house I put her in… Just done finally! I say this finally with a smile on my face!
Hi Joseph, that’s great to hear. That other dude will being seeing the same things you did soon. Just keep looking forward and enjoy being free.
grrrr…How I hate women that do this to wonderful men! I would give my right arm for someone to love me the way this man loved her. I hate how it can damage them to the point they no longer trust women. There are so many good and honest women out there. Please don’t let these women keep you from trying again and opening your heart…just trust your gut instinct and protect yourself. Huggs!
Shannon Ty Hun, I am doing so much to try and make sure no other woman ever suffers for this. I just think it will be hard to trust like I have before. These people reach in to your soul grab a hold and twist things and make you afraid to let the real you out, they make you so afraid to ever be hurt like that again. I am a very strong person and I’m working hard on it though. Hugs right back at you !
I am so sorry for this horrendous experience you had to endure, I went through this for 25 yrs. my spath just got arrested once again for felony strangulation, his case is under investigation as we speak at the attorney generals office which could take upto 6 months. This has never happened before, now I’m going to find out about cases with other woman I never knew about. Ha it never ends. I myself am in the acceptance stage so whatever information I do here I really won’t give a shit about which is a good thing, but I was doing beautiful with no cotact for 4 months, really was serious about discarding him for once and he knew it, they don’t take kindly to rejection, he came to my house, bags an all, I told him no and we had a scuffle that’s why he’s arrested again. Anyway Joseph it does get much better sweetheart with time, you will never be the same, no one is who spent time with these monsters. But KARMA ‘S. a bitch Joe. Peace an love 😌💜
Ty bewildered! I’ve came to the realization that no matter how hard I am trying that I wouldn’t be the same. That part of me is like a scared child afraid to show his face again! I’m doing better though but something feels “not right” inside and I hate that. I am improving everyday and then she contacted me being nice for some reason. I told her to stop emailing me so I’m sure she will find another path of connection. I told her I am done and told her to move on and leave me be. So we’ll see. Every time I get weak I come back here and re read things to assure myself what these monsters are about. So thanks again everyone! Everything is so appreciated!!
I feel you, I understand that weak feeling, its just a feeling, then you can rest assure you will be feeling the way your feeling right now AGAIN, and again, ect …. Its a twisted dark world they exist in, and we were their prey. No fault of ours I can assure Joseph, only because we are empathic human beings totally unaware of THEM.. Time heals all wounds wounds..Im proof of that and so are all our people on this site this site tells you how it really is, YOU will RECOVER… I promise you Joseph. No Contact Joseph,, everytime you communicate with this bitch your going backwards. Peace and love 😵💜
Just keep going joseph. She might be nice but you can be sure that would switch once she had established control. (Read the article the sociopath and the confusion of kindness). She might be planning to move on from her new one. Or feel It is coming to an end so is feeling you out to see if she can return. Other times they contact just to tell you how good their life is now and thank you for helping them 🙂 she might also be ssounding you out to see if there is any risk of you exposing her too.
Joseph….you will eventually be the same….but different. If that makes any sense? When my mom died,I was never the same….than became the same…but different. When my x-sociopath dumped,duped,demonized my soul….I thought….this is worse than my mothers death…and it was actually…I laid in bed for weeks,lost 30 pounds,wanted to die. You will be the same…but different. I don’t know how to explain what I am trying to convey. But I totally understand. How bout this….stop trying so hard…to be the same as you were before the devastation of the SOCIOPATH. I finally stopped doing that very thing.After my mom’s death,I was in such a rush…to be “the same” It was exhausting. You will be different after this,as you danced with the devil….but don’t rush trying to be the same. It’s like trying to rewind the ptsd of being a Vietnam vet…wont happen. Go easy on yourself. doesn’t it feel good,to know,you did nothing wrong? or Is that to cliché?
This has been the most helpful of all websites for helping me to come to grips of what has happened in my life. I was taken down the socio path for 11 months unknowingly until one day my 21 year old daughter told me that I was dating a sociopath. My “dark pather” is a therapist in Maui and she moved here for me. Wasn’t that special? When I went to her to get closure, I made the big mistake of telling her that she was a sociopath and narcissistic before I was able to retrieve all my my things which includes $$$$ of original art. She shut the door on me and called the police. She told the police that I was just an “acquaintance”, “harassed her” (truth is the great harraser for sociopaths..hehe) but did say “nothing happened tonight”. Hmmmm I have decided that with all of my art that she is keeping,
Hi Maui, welcome to the site. I had to edit your comment, as it had a link to a site containing information about someone else. I could be held liable for allowing the link to there – but have kept the rest of your comment intact. I hope that this is ok.
This site is amazing! It has done more for me to be able to discuss what happened to me in this environment than anything else. I think the reason is that we all truly understand. We can relate, we shared the same experiences, have the same feelings. Family, frends, even therapists can try to talk and help you through, but unless you have been through it, you don’t really know what it feels like.
Be happy that you had someone willing to tell you and you got away when you did. I’ve recently read that it takes twice as long to recover as the length of the relationship – I sure hope that it doesn’t take me 24 years to get over the schmuck!
Welcome to the club!
I know that with my SP, he was a trophy collector. Long story, but I am in the unique position to have actually been awarded by the court as the result of the divorce everything I had in my possession.
Again, this is a long story, but to get to the point I ended up with boxes of things that were his, but not his. A stamp collection that belonged to his first wife. A collection of children’s book that belonged to his kids. A brooch that his mother had given to his daughter. I have boxes of stuff that belongs to other people who he came in contact with. Beauty is that once he found out that he had lost his prizes, he went to an attorney who told him tough luck. So every now and then it is possible to come out ahead of a SP, but I don’t think it happens often. If it had not been for my family helping me out, I wouldn’t have gotten anything.
If you have proof / provenance of the art, can’t you go to the police and file a theft report??? Let every art dealer in the area know. Don’t let that nasty piece of work have her trophies!
Thank you Celeste for the words of wisdom.
This website is a great help, because no one understands except those who have been through it.
My SP is a therapist at a high school in Maui. She has one of my pieces
in her office there. I was told by the police, next time I am in her town, get an officer to help me retrieve that piece. It will be embarrassing for her to have a cop call her and show up at the school. But she is a criminal, and that might be appropriate.
I have created a website for her. Google Pon Tell Maui
I figure with 2 pieces of art, every sociopath should get a website as well. LOL….
Time will tell.
good question!!!!! POS,any ideas?
Thank you Celeste for the great suggestion. She already agreed to a friend of mine 5 weeks ago to give me my things back. So I made a list and my friend emailed it over to her. Since I was asking for everything back, I mean everything, she ignored my list. But that is a true sociopath for you. Trying to maintain the power. Little does she know, she doesn’t have the power anymore.
The police told me to call and get a police escort to get the things back. One of my pieces of art is in her office at work. She works at a public high school as a school therapist. and so the police showing up at the school should be quite the show.
Anyways, I am just trying to get a grip on my “mindf#*ked” psyche. WOW, I love making love, but this one may make me impotent for a while.
PS Ahhhh this site soothes my soul.
Thank you 2. I definitely realize the sadistic mindset they have. No contact because it makes you go backwards … this is so true!!! Like starting over from the beginning. yup switches when they get control and then switch back when they lose control again. Yup I got this 🙂 Thank again. I’d give you all a great big hug if I ever met you I person!! Glad I have all you that understand what im going thru. Others have no clue … Much Love 🙂
One thing I do laugh about is the Smear campaign she is trying to achieve. She is telling people that I am gay and feminine even more so than herself. Anyone who knows me knows this isn’t true. Its crazy, she would brag to her friends with me around how great our sex life was then to tell them I’m gay. Well that makes me laugh. The lengths these people go through just amazes me LOL.
. Anyone who listens and believes her is just like her. So don’t worry about it,, don’t worry about crazy people and what they say. You’ll be doing that you’re whole life. No Contact buddy.
You are soooo right. So right! OK in back to thinking right again. I mean Damn why does it get hard to see things clearly sometimes. I’m glad I got you guys *hugs*
How long has it been since u an she broke up? I’m thinking its still fresh. Am I correct in assuming this?
Yes, 1month and 2days. Yes still fresh, I am a lot better now just have moments of not understanding. Although I know that I’ll never understand why. I’ve learned that it was nothing I’ve done or nothing I could’ve changed to change the outcome. As soon as i refused to give her my bank acct number and refused to let her do my taxes that’s when the mask slipped.
Hi Joseph, you are one of the lucky ones consider that being the case. Most men would be totally taken in by the good looks, great sex, and sly talk and give up their financial worth without a thought! One of my ex is a fool til this day with his current gf. However, they are both socios so its only a matter of time one oust the other. They don’t deserve a moments thought because they have no soul. All they know is to fake being real. So, your breakup is still rarely new. You will have moments of wonder but it will pass as time goes by. These people are like a drug addition you have to quit. Thank God you weren’t that addicted to her to give up your dough. Lol!! I remember my ex tried to see would I give him money. He mentioned in a joking way how much money he needed. I just looked at him and said “Not in this life time.” LOL!!
u can gain alotta insight on this site. You will beable to understand this mental illness more clearer, read different posts. Peace and love 😊💙 Joseph
Classic behaviour Joseph. The outcome with them is always the same. If you stay long term. You just repeat the cycle over and over until there is nothing left of you…. I am sure that she is now draining someone elses bank account, and probably got in touch with you again, to see if there was any chance that she could get some more from you – or to see if you were missing her? … 😦
Funny you say that. She did contact me talking about thanks. So I told her to just stop emailing me. So I can’t wait to see whats next.
Yep they love to say thank you for all that you did for them. How grateful they are to you, and that you deserve to be happy and with someone nice!! 🙂
OMG! My ex said the similar line. On the eve prior to me exposing him to the OW, he was telling me I want you to be happy and you deserve someone better. I was like WTF! You are talking out of two sides of your mouth? You’re telling me one moment you are getting rid of the woman you started this online dating with. Next, we are in bed and talking to me like we are over! He was a twIsted fuck! He just didn’t know I was about to have upper hand on him that weekend and exposed his butt to her the next morning. He was pissed and tried to turn it around as I was the sick person for do such a thing. Its funny how they try to turn things around on you. Mines never used the words ” thank you.” Maybe he felt entitlement to try to use me. His favorite lines are “I wish you the best?” Or, “You deserve someone better.”. That last line says the truth. We do deserve someone better than their manipulative beings. Thank God I did find someone better. The OW woman was as socio as him because she had the nerve to use the same line as him “I wish you the best. ” She text me after lying about herself. It will be funny to see which one in that relationship will use that line in the end. LOL!! I think through them saying “we deserve better” is them admitting unconsciously they are no good people.
Oh and and they often say ‘good luck’ too lol
Hey Positivagirl, Oh yeah, he ran that line in the whole too! He would always say during his in and out of us seeing each. My ex would always say “It’s for the best we don’t contact each other.” Did yours use that line too?
Yes … Always 🙂
I thank you for everything you have done for me, you have really helped me. Good luck, I wish you well. I think it’s best if we have no further contact ……
OMG! Positvagirl, its amazing that they all have the same scripted lines. What’s so crazy is the up and down behavior. I recall during the early part of my break up with him. I felt wrong for exposing the truth about him (but later that its stems from his mind game) and called him. He was like “I really do wish you the best and we will always be friends.” I said, “I only wanted not to end on a negative and goodbye.” He says, “Goodbye baby.” It was so sick for him to throw in “Baby.” Almost like he was trying to yank my emotional chain. Then, when he wanted to put on a show for the OW, he would call me names and threaten to file a restraining order. That was the funniest threat because I never came anywhere near him nor patron any of his hangouts. Hecks, he never would take me to any of his spots. The artificial outer character is unbelievable.
The sociopath dictionary lol
This ‘thank you’ can really feel like a kick in the teeth… but it is something that sociopaths do… and they must think its normal.
Ty, I’ve also been reading. Venus: The Dark Side. Hopefully one day I can help someone like you’ve all helped me!
Yea the Thank you and wish you the best in life. So frigging annoying! I wonder if they really realize how much these comments hurt lol. They are so stupid
Yea their terms are totally outrageous. It’s like a week ago I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you’re kids and now good luck. Her exact reasons were…
Living with you is like having a 3rd kid
I knew this relationship wasn’t for me from day 1
I haven’t loved you in 2 months (that would’ve been since I moved them into the new house and refused my bank acct info)
I haven’t been sexually attracted to you in 2months
It’s just funny all the lies that they think people will just believe because they say them lol. It’s so funny to me when I think about it. We’ll makes me laugh and pisses me off. I have been having the occasional anger fit, and have been more outspoken and being a dick…. That normal?
Yes its normal joseph. You are going through the healing process. Her comments are designed to blame you and make you feel worthless. That’s not true. She is the one with the issue here not you.
Joseph, they are good at always turning things around on us. One of my ex SP was good at manipulating our relationship. Imagine you laying in the bed with someone who’s talking as though they are cheating on the other person whom they brought into the picture while in a relationship with you. That’s the sick shit my ex did to me. I sat up in the bed and said to him “Don’t you turn this around like I am the other woman and she’s not! Let’s get this straight; you went on a date site and interacted with this woman while seriously involved with me! Don’t you dare try to turn this around like you were not involve with me because you now want something new to parade around!” Joseph, he had real balls to turn things around. Yes, its normal for you to feel anger now and then. I at times feel it regardless of the fact I have a great man now. What pisses us off is the fact we wasted time with these calculated folks. As well as, you being more out spoken because you held your breath through all her BS. Now, you’re not going to take any crap from the next. That’s what the late Whitney Houston’s movie “Waiting To Exhale” was all about. I love the part where she got out of that relationship with her SP side piece and spilled that drink on his ass!
Definitely Cher!!! Hit it right on!
I just wish my ex would move on like she told me I should do. She makes it a point to make everything difficult. She has some equipment from the cable company that’s about 1000 dollars that she refuses to just box up and put on the porch. Now I have to get the police involved and see if they will go there with me. I told her I don’t want to see her I just want the stuff. She wont even let my friend who lives 5 mins away pick it up. I live 1hour15 mins away now and I get to spend my evening dealing with her shit because she cant just move on. Guess she didn’t like me telling her I was over her and done and just want that equipment. So crazy how they want to make it their goal to continue to try to tear you down … just let it go. So tonight if the police will go, then I can never ever go there again. She said that she will take care of it …. yea right!
You could just report the equipment as stolen to the cable company as a means of not dealing with her at all. Let the cable company deal with her trifling butt!
Well I ended up feeling so strong and over her that I decided to take the police and legal documents to get my stuff….. Not worth it! I feel I have re opened the wounds after 6 weeks of healing. So anyone I don’t care how “over” them you feel don’t do it. She answered the door so sweetly just as she did the first time we met. I showed no weakness or that I cared in the slightest then the mask came off. Yelling g and slamming the door as her daughter was trying to get to me for a hug. After a few moments she opened the door and said sis wants to talk to you. Then I finally got my goodbye as she hugged me and told me she loved me and missed me. I shouldve never went back not even for a second but getting my goodbye to her daughter was worth it. I am going with the facts and not my emotions so I’m still getting better but the look she gave went straight into my soul. I’ll never ever make this mistake again. When they get you they do something to your soul that seems they can damage with just a look… so weird.
You did what you had to do and you survived! You looked at her and saw her for what she is, and while it hurt, you have been able to remain objective and didn’t let her suck you back in. Congratulations!!
While I didn’t have to deal with anything like a cable box (and cable companies are ruthless!!) I had to reach a decision about everything of mine he kept and just write it off – furniture, oriental rugs, art work, my laptop, appliances… my gosh…. just everything.
My problem is that because we had been married for so long, I do have things that belong to him and being the kind of person I am, I feel the right thing to do is to return his things. We agreed that as I found things belonging to him, I would mail it and he would pay postage. I sent him the first box last summer. Of course, he got his stuff, never acknowledged that he received it, never said thank you, and never paid for shipping and handling.
So while I still have other things, I know that if I even try to work it out with him, I will end up being the person who pays – one way or another – and I’m not willing to do it. Anyone want THIRTY XL Hawaiian shirts?? For sale, cheap!!! LOL
Really creepy are some of the things I found that I had never seen in 12 years…. I accused him of being a hoarder because he had boxes and boxes of stuff that had not been opened since he moved from NZ to the US in 2000, but they were boxes full of things that belonged to other people – his trophies!!
So.. I personally thing the cable box was a tool and she used it to get what she wanted – to get under your skin again. If you let it knock you backwards in your recovery, she wins. And from what you’ve said about her, she doesn’t deserve to win ANYTHING!!!
I have a similar story, without the financial misery. I fell in love with a co-worker. We had an affair. I cannot believe I did that. Never have before, hope I never will again. This woman was everything I’d ever wanted, she made my life feel complete – and she was crazy about me. Showered me with attention and affection and made me feel sexy, smart and wanted. There was so much tension and drama building up to the moment we slept together. I considered quitting my job and leaving my (incredible, lovely) wife for this woman. Soon after we slept together, she told me she had met someone new. A week after that she told me she was in love with him. Soon they will be engaged. Literally overnight, the woman who told me she loved me “beyond words” emailed me to say that I was “a co-worker. Nothing more, nothing less.” She acts like nothing happened. The terrifying part is, when I use my instincts and just try to feel the vibe in the room, I believe she believes it. It as if the love of a lifetime is completely, utterly forgotten. She is a stranger to me now. She is infuriatingly polite in the workplace, because she does not want a scene. I begged her to talk with me. She refused. She tried to get me fired (and failed, thank God) and our secret is driving me crazy. I have no one to talk to about this. I feel better when I have time away, like the weekends, but I have to see this woman, in a small room, every work day for the next year at least. Maybe this is the price of infidelity. I fell in love with a sociopath. I cannot deny that deep down, I love her still and want “the woman I knew” to come back. The one time we tried to talk, she became very angry, even humiliating. I was disturbed that she seemed fine, so shortly after she loved me, then didn’t. She said “I am fine. Except when you look at me like the world is coming to an end.” I told her I had loved her and my heart was broken. She asked “Why do you need me to know that?” She was very, very angry at being reminded that we shared something beautiful. She only allowed contact through text and email. I gave up on trying to sit down and talk. Somewhere inside I still believe what happened between us was real. My head tells me it was an illusion. My heart cannot let go of the tiny possibility that she is still in there, somewhere. I meditate. I pray. I stay calm in the office and hope she will talk, honestly and for real, some day. Do I give up? How? I wish I did not have to see her face every day. I’m semi-religious, and I wonder if because I sinned, I’m now in hell. Any advice anyone has on how to think/feel/behave would be hugely appreciated. Thanks for reading.
I don’t really know what to say Kyle, and perhaps someone else would be better to advise? the only thing that I can say is that sociopaths love
Obviously as a married man you were a challenge to her. But when she had caught you, the challenge had gone. So she moved on. She likely didn’t take it seriously as you were married. My thoughts are with your wife, I would suggest that you pay attention to that area of your life? Look at reasons why you strayed from your marriage, and how much pain that would cause to your wife if she learned the truth. I also think that you got off light, as sociopaths are great at ruining – and destroying lives. She could have told your wife. So try to focus on what is important.
Thank you, positivagirl. I think there is a lot of truth in your observations. Painful truth, but still. I do focus on my marriage and am grateful to have it. I give my wife the love, care and attention she deserves. We are better than ever. I would love to put the sociopath in my rear view mirror and move on. But having to see her every day is rough. It would help tremendously to talk, understand one another and move on. But I am told there is never closure with a sociopath. Why do sociopaths hate to remember that they once loved you? Is it because they never really did? Or am I messing up her current fiction? My thoughts are with my wife, too. Putting the work place to rest would help me focus at home. Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.
I know that emotions can be strong, and often they are stronger than us, and what logic dictates to us as well.
It would be a shame if your marriage was ruined because of her. I would imagine that guilt is also probably eating you up as well.
Really, if she has gone on to someone she really has done you a favour. Look at this another way, what if you had left your wife – your wife now knew then when you got there, she went off with another man? This could have happened. for a lot of people this is exactly what has happened to them.
I don’t want to mimimise how you are feeling about your experiences. I am just trying to help you focus on what is good, and what can be repaired, rather than focusing on what has been broken. The first place to stop to do this – is to forgive yourself!!
You’re not in hell, and whether you knew it at the time or not, God knew you would even make the mistake. It is not irrevocable and you aren’t being eternally punished for succomming to temptation.
I don’t know if the woman is a sociopath or not, but she played and used you like a high schooler. Once she had “won” her prize, she turned off. This has nothing to do with you. She isn’t emotionally mature and likely didn’t “feel” what she was doing at all, let alone thought about what you felt. She was simply astute enough to know what you wanted to experience and did it for the h*ll of it, because she could.
I’m sorry, but I think that’s what happened here.
Thanks, jusagirl. I hate to think you’re right. But you’re right. I got played. I was made to feel like a shining star while feeling neglected at home. I feel tremendous guilt but also wonder why I did what I did. It was not the sex. It was the feeling of having finally truly finding my soul mate. You are so right I was acting like a teenager and treated like one. I have a very good therapist. If you have any ideas how to relate to this woman in the work place without feeling worse, I’d be all ears. Thanks for not judging me. I feel crappy enough and my marriage is a huge blessing in my life. How do you move on when you see your biggest mistake sitting next to you every day? Thanks again.
Moral-less people are really capable of so much destruction. I think you mentioned you were somewhat spiritual. Prayer has always been my secret weapon—it will protect you, and disarm her. You may find, after time, that she strangely moves on some place else.
Also, if you can minimize your involvements with her, it will be much safer for her to have her sights set on someone else. I know it’s tough but, pretend nothing ever happened. Think “under the radar”.
Hello Kyle, You and the others are going to need to forgive me for my bold comment to you. First off, I’ve read your postings and you refer to your wife as a lovely woman but later describe your relationship with her as being neglected. Which is it? Was your wife a lovely person or a selfish person? I’m sorry but your story doesn’t seem to ring true to me. A cheating spouse always use the line of being neglected or no longer being in love with the wife. Maybe the others can sit here and accept your excuses for cheating on your wife but I won’t be one of them. From your story, you were all gung ho for being with this woman without any guilt until she left you! You have the nerve to suggest this woman is a sociopath while you are guilty of cheating on your wife with no thought to continue on with the affair. If you thought your wife is so lovely, you would have seek marriage counseling first before ever thinking about leaping into the arms of another. As long as that woman wanted to be with you, from your writing, you had no remorse about violating your marriage vows. You question is the woman you had on the side is a sociopath but you need to question are you all that innocent? I can’t take you serious because the mere fact you cheated on your wife. We don’t know is this your first offense or cheated on your wife in the past. All we know is what you are telling us. Sorry, I won’t feel any compassion to anyone who betrays a spouse for any reason! If a person is not happy in a marriage, they either do three things. First, talk to their partner and see can it be resolved without going to counsel. Secondly, if a man concludes he can’t work it out one on one, they go to a marriage counselor. Third, if counseling isn’t working, the file for divorce. You sound like a sociopath yourself who is trying to play victim of a situation that shouldn’t have been committed by you. My friend who heads up a group that supports women who have been victims of sociopaths. He explains that in his experience in dealing with women in victimized situations. He had told me that very few men are victims of sociopath females because men are more socio due to testosterone factors. A man who has been victimized by a woman will not talk about it as much as women would do. The sociopath males will go on sites as this one to play victim with women on line. Anyway, this is my view on your story. I won’t be taken in on this clear con confession. Case closed!
Hi, JG. I understand your anger. I share it. You are right that all you know is what I write here. My guilt is tremendous. I have not given it its full space on this site, it’s not what this site is for. I was afraid to come on to this site and share my story for exactly the reasons you’ve written above. And I don’t disagree with you. I am sure many people feel the same way. Thank you for having the courage to speak your mind. I have been to therapy with my wife, and we will continue. I do not think I can change your mind, I will not try. You are entitled to your anger, your judgement, even your accusations. They’re legit. I carry my guilt outside of this forum. I do not believe men are incapable of being taken in by a sociopath, regardless of testosterone level. I can assure you I am not playing a victim on line. What would be the point? (again, I have no thought of dissuading you, as you say, “case closed”). I am here to do the very, very difficult work of forgiving myself after making a bad and painful mistake that I cannot take back. I am seeking the help and community I need to do so, and hopefully help others in return. Learning to re-group one’s spirit after the train wreck of falling in love with a sociopath is hard. I hope we all make it to the other side, whole and more fully grown. I am not conning anyone, but see me as you will. Speak up any time, of course I can take it and hope to respond with respect. We all make mistakes. I made a terrible one. I hope my being on this site will help. Thank you.
Forgiveness is really advanced spiritual work. I think it’s essential in healing from falling in love with a sociopath. Self-forgiveness is, ironically, the toughest of all.
I was raised by a sociopath. I looked for the small spark of empathy in my mother all my life, believing I could bring it out in her. It’s like blowing on a single hot coal, hoping to start a fire.
I think if I can forgive myself and forgive my sociopath co-worker, I could truly give up on trying to find the soul inside someone who is empty inside. I just find it incredibly sad to accept this. Some people have no empathy. I struggle not to be Superman about it, and help them see that they do have love and kindness inside them.
Sadness precedes forgiveness.
The sad thing is Kyle, you cannot change them…. but you can change you 🙂
Working on it, positivagirl. Your latest post is amazingly helpful, and right on time (“When you focus on the sociopath you stop focusing on you”). Forgiving and strengthening myself will be a journey. It helps knowing so many people have the same experience. I’ll share what I learn along the way so we can all help each other. Long road ahead.
Thank you Kyle wishing you strength. Read as much as you can. It really will help.
I write a blog called Big Boys and Girls Play Hardball. There are some posts there that might help you about protecting yourself and your ideas. Some recommendations:
-It’s MY Idea
-See What I Learned in Manager Training? (written about managers, but colleagues are capable of undermining in these ways too)
These might give you some ideas about what to look for with underlying agendas. Advance prep is the key to protecting yourself, along with documentation and immediate communication to your superiors in the event something starts going wrong.
Thank you, Scarlettown. I particularly like the Viktor Frankl quote. In my recovery from falling in love with a sociopath, I find it really helpful to remember what I wanted just BEFORE meeting her. You can never go backward in life, but retrieving my goals and dreams (they’re big, thank God) and applying myself to them after getting so badly side tracked is a good start. Who was I before I met this person? Do I still want to be that? What have I learned? Positivagirl is right. Focus on your self, strengthen your self, remember who you really are. I need all the help I can get. Thanks again.
So what’s up with this? I have been told that I am a very good looking man and my SP “was” beautiful. I just saw my SP’s new man/victim and he is very unattractive. In fact like one of my gal friends said: “ewwwwwe, he looks like Uncle Fester and a pervert”. Was going after such an ugly man with a a very dark past and a criminal record, another way to stick it to me? I just don’t get it. She could have a gorgeous hunk if she wanted. Help me!!! Is this another SP manipulation?
No, it might be to do the with the narcissism, someone that he/she perceives to be less attractive could be easier to control. As they might be ‘grateful’ to have such an attractive partner. Also, they might have something else they want, like money, house, social connections. Sociopaths probably care least about what someone looks like – as its all about them – not the other person.
yeah.. what Pos said!! =)
It is amazing how much all SP’s are so alike. I’ve been told I am attractive, as was my SP. But he cheated on me with a woman whom one of my friends calls “Mrs. Shrek”. She is old, overweight, and when he met her, she was working the counter at McDonald’s.
Before anyone gets up in arms…. McDonald’s is honest work – but from what I know of him he always went after high-dollar targets. I found out that early on in their chat room romance, she started sending him money – so much money that she started babysitting and cleaning houses in order to be able to send him money and pay her own bills! So it wasn’t her looks, but her wallet he was after.
So Maui, it may not have anything to do with how he looks on the outside, but what she can get from him. There are plenty of ugly looking dudes that have decent bank accounts and he may be giving her everything she asks for because he is so grateful to have a beautiful woman keeping company with him.
You are SO better off without her!!! And remember, she may be beautiful on the outside, but her soul is uglier than ugly.
Thank you Celeste for your own story. I am so sorry you had to experience that too. When I look at her past boyfriend and ex-husband’s pictures, I thought to myself, I guess looks don’t matter to this woman so she must be looking at their heart or good characters. Which is a good quality in a person. But now with hindsight, she wants something but not good looks. That something could be power, money or whatever she needs to fill her supply. With me she had everything until I gradually stopped filling her narcissistic supply because of the crazy roller coaster she had me on. She knew I hated roller coasters
yet loved to see me on it. It was like the Justin Timberlake song “Only
When I Walk Away”. If you don’t know it, find it and listen to the words.
Now, because of her beauty, I will not let beauty alone be my first impression. Because her beauty is no longer there but has been overshadowed by her dark dark heart. It’s so true what is written “Beauty is skin deep but ugly is to the bone”
Have a great SP free day.
Jack on Maui
Okay, another inappropriate convo with 13 yoa daughter
GIRL: oh daddy loves this song, I hate it, (Justin Timberlake, “Mirrors”, CREEPY, reaches over and changes it), I hope daddy’s new girlfriend has no kids and isn’t ugly!
ME: well does it matter, he is just going to be whatever new girlfriend wants him to be, ex wife #2 daddy liked Goth, with the current, he is poor white trailer park trash. You have seen “Real Daddy” do you like him?
GIRL: no, nobody likes “real daddy” mama, he’s mean.
ME: I know, I’ve seen “real daddy” too, sorry.
Point, they are like onions, they peel back and expose whatever they want you to see. The surface is always clean and pretty. He has 3 public ex’s. 2 of them kiss his ass, I obviously don’t, the only one he hates on is me. Baby mama #1 (broke and is still broke) and I (wife #1, stole all my $, HAD good credit), we are both pretty, his beer googles, super thick every one after. But his needs switched, wife #2 HAD good credit and $ (ugly), the current, (even uglier) has a good job and her family is a bunch of enablers (lots of $). He is going through them faster it seems. Almost like he is evolving, getting better. Scary.
I think you are right about evolving…. and like you I had $$ and good credit before him. He is on #4 (or at least he was when I went NC) but I have a friend who calls her “Mrs. Shrek”, but because even when he and I were still married and he was carrying on an online affair with her, she was working 3 jobs in order to pay her expenses and have money to send him every week.
Mind you, he did NOT need the money. I was working, he had just received the first installment of a sizable inheritance (in his name alone, in a bank in San Francisco), but he took money from that woman based on a concocted story about being broke, sick, and unemployed.
What kind of scumbag would create a fake Facebook account and use the fake person to introduce him to women, and then once they were on the hook, the fake person asked them to send him $$$ because he was in dire straits but too proud to ask for help!! I personally think they go after the easy score, looking for $$ and its a bonus if they are attractive.
But then, what kind of woman gets involved with a married man?? Yeah, she knew it – even helped him come up with schemes so that they could sneak around behind my back – although, since I know and I’m not Sherlock Holmes, he obviously he wanted me to know. I’m sure he lied to the OW about everything, but I walked away from a relationship when I found out the guy was still married. Messing with a married man is just not cool.
Thank you POS for the narcissism insight. I am sure this new guy thinks that he has just hit paydirt with her looks. LOL I don’t know if she knows that he was arrested for kidnapping his own son a few years ago and was behind on child support. How do I know this? I didn’t know who he was until he called me the other night and threatened to kill me with my adult daughter listening to the phone call. Then I realized that this must be the new guy/victim in her SP world. The police came and took a report. My daughter said that the SP probably put him up to it and by doing so she was able to mess with me again, and he might be going to jail for his death threats against me. Maybe she is already done with him and because she is a mental health therapist at a public school, she can cut him off because she cant have anything to do with him because of her job. She knows that death threats are illegal and if she knows he has a police record, then maybe she is helping him to be out of her life. And it’s his fault of course. I don’t know, just a speculation. I do know that if he is getting sex from her, it is not worth going to jail for. I feel sick for this guy even with his threats.
The first time the ex soc and I broke up he went straight on EHarmony. When we got back together I hacked his account and saw that over the 5 weeks we were broken up in the last two, as we started to get back together, he got more desperate on eharmony and the girls were getting uglier and uglier. Im not a beauty but im not ugly either – say slightly above average (very slightly). I have a great body (for a 42 year old) but im smart and funny and people swarm to me because im warm and welcoming, i also have started earning decent $.
Two reasons I believe he was going for the below average girls…1 is because he hadnt been able to control me as easily as he liked, therefore as he was slightly below average in looks I think he thought he would have more control over these kess atractive woman that weren’t as pretty and would have less self esteem.. These women also held high paying jobs. Again so he would have easier access to the money. Something he didnt have with me.
The second reason is because he was getting desperate. He wasn’t expecting me to leave the first time, he thought he had more control and thought I was weaker than what I was. So he had not secured his new sorce when I left. He was struggling without a source. He tapped back into the ex but she was so pitiful, it gave him little.
The second and last time we broke up, he was much better prepared (now aware of my hidden strength and self wirth) and I’m sure he had a bit at work to tie him over while he really went looking for his new mark. I can bet anything that money was his number one agenda before looks. As they get older, I think money becomes more important than looks.
I’m amid separation from my SP; we’ve been married for just over a year and she’s pregnant with my first child. I was SO SAD, but I’m now FINALLY and THANKFULLY getting away from her forever!
I’ve been accused of dog abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and most recently of . This is not a joke! It’s so surreal to even type (let alone think) such a thing. I loved my wife, and I definitely love children, family… and presumably my child to be born later this summer. I can NOT believe the things she’s done and the things I’ve endured.
One month ago, she accused me of plotting to kill her and my unborn child. After waking up together in bed, she practically begged me to hold her, comfort her, since she’s pregnant. Believe me when I say (at 7am) I was in no mood to “hold her” after what I just found out. Want to know what I just found out? Let me tell you.
And here’s the context.
First, we were already discussing possibility of separation – although painful in emotional, physical and financial terms – it honestly might be the best thing for both of us. So, we visit our clergyman counselor prior to her already scheduled trip home (to the mainland) to visit her parents (we live overseas). After our counseling session together, we reluctantly agree that we’ll give it more thought during our fast-approaching separation. So she departs (and the few days leading up to the departure we’re “awful” arguing).
Days before her return (from her 2 week stay with her family back on the mainland), she texts me & says she’s decided to separate and stay with her parents. She demands I send all of her things back home: dog, car, belongings, etc. So I agree. I even get an on-line quote to ship her car and forward it to her. Haha… this is where it goes from bad to worse.
She led me to believe that she was still back home with her parents; actually, she returned and was (yup, you guessed it) “spying” on me to make sure I wasn’t cheating on her. How did I find out? I came home from work one day and “surprise” there she is in our home! I greeted her in a very civil fashion and quickly asked “what’s going on? I thought you were back home with your parents?” She matter-of-factly admits to returning home (as originally scheduled) so that she could “spy on me” to ensure I wasn’t cheating on her. I asked: “Did you find any evidence?”, and she replied “Nope.” No apology. No remorse. Needless to say that night together was “awkward” and “quiet.” And then it gets worse.
The very next morning, while she’s in the other room cleaning, I looked through several of her “work” folders (she brought back from the mainland), and guess what I found? Actually, you’ll never guess; so I’ll just tell you. Yup… a letter from a guy IN PRISON! I read it and made a copy of it. UNBELIEVABLE! This guy goes on to “warn” her about my “abuse”; that I would eventually take her / our child away from her & manipulate her. This begs several Qs: 1. Who the F is this guy? 2. How does this guy have any idea about “us,” our marriage, or her pregnancy?
Apparently, this guy is a “genuine friend” (her exact words she texted me), and they knew each other from her distant past. This “past” friend (of apparently 15 years) has been incarcerated since 2008 for aggravated sexual assault. And this guy’s prison I.D. number is on his letter; so, I found him on Mugshot.com. Yup, he’s serving 10 yrs to life… with his parole next month. And ya wanna guess who he’s asking to help with his parole? Yup, you guessed it – MY WIFE!
When I confronted her about WHO THE F this guy is, she tells me “remember that one guy I told you was a friend of mine wrongly convicted and imprisoned?” I say “well, vaguely, yes… AND???” As I seriously press the issue and ask what the F she’s thinking talking to this guy (like no kidding, how in the world does this guy call my wife at her parent’s home and she takes his phone call to divulge our marital issues?). Never in a million years did I ever imagine such unbelievable drama; nor did I ever imagine my wife validating his character assessment of me. She told me angrily: “So what if he (the prisoner “genuine friend”) CALLS IT LIKE IT IS?!”
How does ANY husband / spouse handle THAT?
Let me tell you just a little about me. I’m early 40s. Former Professor. Hold two graduate degrees. Been in education – combination teaching and student – for 15+ years. Former Pastoral Intern. Taught children and university level education. A fitness enthusiast; competed recently in a very competitive nationally qualifying contest & performed very well. My career is extremely privileged, diverse & distinguished. And then I married a SC.
Despite my spectacularly successful, diverse, accomplished education, profession & life, I began questioning if I’m crazy!
So after lying to me about returning home, after I find this letter from a prisoner, then I find out she jeopardized my career, undermined my reputation & (unless I had found out) I would’ve never known what she was doing behind the scenes (as she claimed to love me so much & blame me entirely for our marital woes).
A handful of emotional days follow and then IT HAPPENS – she accuses me of ! Here’s how it played out. She woke me up and practically begged me to hold her. I was in no mood (after all I had recently found out). Although untimely, I asked her (while laying in bed having just been awoken): “Did you tamper with my profile on that social networking site?” She lies, and I challenge her saying: “And this is exactly why you should’ve stayed back home with your parents instead of returning here. I can’t trust you.” Her reply? She pops up in bed & aggressively says: “Yup, I should’ve never returned. I should’ve stayed home instead of coming back here to try and work things out. And RIGHT NOW… I’m going to call a live help line & tell them ‘everything’… that you ” Astonished (yet in total self control because I’ve heard similar crazy things from her in the past CONSISTENTLY), I ask for clarification, and she obliges to repeat her accusation. After arguing back and forth about how she could make such a horrific accusation, I pack my bag and leave as fast as possible.
And here’s the crazier thing. So… I call her father (my father-in-law) almost immediately as I’m driving to a hotel, and I practically beg him to intervene and request his daughter depart immediately (before emotions escalate beyond control). Since he was unable to answer, I leave him a vary candid, respectful, detailed voice mail telling him EXACTLY what his daughter (my wife) just accused me of. He calls me back, but I couldn’t answer; so he texts me later. This is what he says (more or less): “Diffuse everything immediately. My daughter needs to return home ASAP. You need to pay for everything. And stop being such (here it comes) smart asses with eachother!” Hmmm… as if to say that this all boils down to “being sarcastic” with each other. I texted him back, and I’ve never heard from him again. Ever.
If I was your son-in-law, and that was your daughter, would you never follow up with me and ask “What the heck is going on?”
After staying in a hotel for a week (while she lived in “our” expensive overseas home in a luxurious gated community), I spent nearly $4,000 to return most of her things to the mainland.
And NO KIDDING, I get periodic messages saying (among other things): “Why are you so heartless?” “Why don’t you answer my calls?” “Why don’t you love me?” “Why won’t you tell me you love me?” “A child needs her mother during the first several years, so I won’t approve of my daughter visiting you alone apart from me” “Tell me you love me PLEEEEAAASSSSE!”
Here I am, with my SP soon-to-be ex-wife pregnant with my first child. My mom has been waiting her entire life for me to have my first child, and here it is. Sad. Traumatic. Unbelievable. But I firmly believe that if I stayed with her “for the kid’s sake,” not only would I probably die eventually, but my child would suffer so much dysfunction. I love my child (if it’s my child; and that’s a whole different story); and I value family, faith and “doing the right thing.”
Until I found this website and Shrink4Men.com, I never knew what I was dealing with.
And by the way, I called her father (not only because I really needed his help, but also because) he’s the only one she’ll listen to. Last year, between March and July, she stole $X,000s out of “our” (by “our” I mean MY personal) joint bank account THREE TIMES! Why? Reason #1. Because it was my responsibility to pay for the divorce. Reason #2. Because I should pay for the divorce. And reason #3. because I wouldn’t answer her phone call after we argued and I went to stay with a good friend for a few days. After each theft, I called her father & PLEADED with him to tell his daughter – my wife – to return my money to “our” checking account.
And I won’t even mention the 4 other men I’ve caught her “reaching out” to. And these were quite serious.
Nor will I mention the daily accusations of me cheating on her (with zero evidence).
Nor will I mention her locking me in my own bedroom for nearly 3 hours. I wanted to leave AGAIN & go stay at a hotel AGAIN (for the 5th time in 30 days) because I was losing my mind after each crazy argument. Her reason for keeping me in my room? I needed to hear what she had to say to me (and it wasn’t very nice by the way).
This website has educated me on exactly what I’m dealing with, and I’m learning how to move forward
One last thing: I no longer seek counsel from my clergy. This guy NO KIDDING told me1. I don’t want to know all the actual negative details of what she’s done to you; and 2. This i.e. her behavior is “par for the course.” No, that isn’t “par for the course”… her cruel, vindictive, antagonistic, deceptive, delusional behavior is NOT normal for a loving, supportive, faithful, appreciative, family-oriented wife. Not eve close!
And I owe nearly $20,000 on supporting her. Want to know how much a 2.73 carat 1 of a kind diamond ring costs? It’s cost me my sanity being married to a SC wife.
😦 sorry Sean
Take a guess at how much child support I’ll be paying to rarely ever see my own child (since I’m in a distinguished career that forces me to move often). It’s equivalent to buying her a new home.
I am a female who became involved with a group of female sociopaths posing as advocates for an abuse organization that helps battered women fighting in family court.
When I first heard of this organization, I was so impressed cuz the advocates said they were mothers and women who survived abuse. They have strong images on their website of women with guns, and sexy pin up women in short skirts with tough faces, an American flag waving behind them. It was all fun in the “honeymoon” stage. I was up all night chatting. I planned to go to their yearly conference in Washington. I felt strong with these American mothers at my side, we were sisters. We laughed and made fun of our abusers (and their new wives). We dreamed of making change. Then the jokes weren’t so funny–they were crude, often sexually degrading to women. One woman was told it would be best to kill her ex (ha, ha right?!?!). We were given names of who to trust, and talk to and who to avoid. Then as things progressed, we were led into making fake names, going online and making fun of or posting lies about people…there were lots of reasons you made the “hit list”. You were a abuser. You were father’s rights. You didn’t support our organization. You threw the mothers under the bus. You were an a-hole. Never any proof of this. You just followed what was told, it was the ONLY way things would get better.
I saw women being torn down and destroyed after being attacked by a group of moms. If you crossed the sisters the wrong way she would tell everyone your real name online, and share personal and painful details about your abuse or custody problem. Sometimes the advocates took the side of the abuser against you! Other moms were made fun of in public–there names put on sexual images like a dildo or videos talking about sex acts or songs with words that implied they would be physically harmed. It always worked–the target would go away or not cause any problems. Everyone was happy for awhile. Then there was a reason to attack all over again. You never felt safe.
I soon became afraid of my friends in the mothers movement, many were actually taking the side of the abusers we are supposed to be against. I didnt want to go to any of the conferences anymore (at the last conference some creepy guy was hitting on me!). But they knew my real name. And I didn’t want to be a target either. I didn’t want to be in those videos. And I didnt want them calling my ex or my judge. But I couldnt join in the attacks anymore. I saw some moms thinking about suicide. And nothing was getting done. No one was being helped. We were all just fighting, making up and fighting again.
Finally out of desperation I went to a DV shelter for help. I had to totally start over. Get off the internet. Got rid of my comp and iPhone. Remove my name from all public databases. I even moved to a new apartment. I dont trust anyone anymore. I dont even speak about my story. I just struggle alone. And feel bad that I took the cowards way out cuz there are alot of moms being hurt by this group of advocates, they pretend to care about rights 4 mothers then they stab you in the back. They act like heroes and every year march in front of the white house. But no one knows what it is really like. And it is really scary. Women sociopaths are real, and they are vicious.
Wow thank you for your story Jane. Welcome to the site.
I wrote a bit on my blog about my experiences dating a serious sociopath. lies, cancer, suicide threats, fake people emailing me, she emailed other people as me (including telling others that I was abusive to her). Anyways, it really, really sucked.
Dude. Sounds like my ex sociopath. It’s scary.
Reblogged this on 4giventhug's Blog.
It is crazy to see that one day you are their best lover and the next you are just a trash. And this is because they cannot love anyone. They use people.
The gir I was involved with used me, mainly for attention and sex. Although she new me as a friend for about 2 years, then dated me for about 3 months, she dumped me like a trash ag.
Then she did no contact, and called me to ask me why did I not suicided myself yet.
Ugh the ego of her….. Really I hope you know how much better off you are now!! 🙂
Another brilliant post.
Yes, the female sociopath exhibits similar traits but society excuses her transgressions because of historical gender roles/expectations and sometimes even celebrates her viciousness and animalistic selfishness as a victory of feminism. For instance, when I was watching Gone Girl last week, I noticed feminine chuckles follow moments in the film where the female lead outfoxes her dopey husband or some other male codependents. I assume those folks weren’t mentally abnormal. Yet that was certainly annoying and it goes to show how society in general finds amusement in the emasculation of men at the hands of cunning women. This insult to injury leads to additional shame that a female of victim of sociopathy, I think, does not have to suffer. After all, who wants to see a grown man weep on Oprah about his emotional travail. He must suffer quietly…Anyway, the movie was informative and by the end I heaved a sigh of relief at having gotten off relatively easily.
I met her in sophomore year of university in 2007. Her charisma, eccentric/artistic temperament, strong will and preternatural sexual drive quickly cast a spell on me. She learned , with my help, some of my deepest desires and longings and used the information to create the fiction of my soulmate. As a hopeless romantic, I fell head over heels for her. She seemed like a prize angel that had descended from my favorite pop songs & romantic comedies into my life. I soon became absent from the social scene and found myself increasingly devoted to her. The cycle of leaving-reuniting made the fever even higher. I began ignoring my gut instinct and continued to adhere to my fantasies about her being this innocent dove, this damsel in distress with all these medical problems and unsung gifts. When we finally broke off for good, I learned she had been seeing someone else on the side during the months leading up to my breakup and had ensured she had someone lined up before she cut me off.
2 years gone like that.
Another 2 years pass by without hearing a word from her (she had graduated before me).
I see other girls but don’t feel that special connection. I think of my ex. I wonder what I’d done to drive her to behave so fiendishly. I carry on without addressing my core feelings of inadequacy, looking to fill that void with booze, drugs, sex. Nothing works. I feel utterly hopeless and find myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown…And she’s back. Apologetic, in despair, gorgeous and looking for her original hero. I am naturally ecstatic. I begin let her back into my heart but this time I’m a bit more careful. I stall the reunion. When I do get ready, she goes AWOL. I feel miserable. However, instead of just wallowing in my self-pity, I begin looking for answering. I slowly realize she’s an incorrigible sociopath hell-bent on drawing “narcissistic supply” from me until I’m all used up and fit only for the padded cell. But more importantly, I realize I too have got a problem. There’s a narcissist inside me as well. After all, I felt a sense of entitlement over her, drew great strength from her attention and engaged in grandiose dreams in which she was my all-adoring pixie girl devotee and I her all-sacrificing god-king. I was just as much to blame for the existence of that unholy union as she.
Now, to my fellow victims of sociopaths, I do not suggest our nature is remotely as wicked as theirs. No, we are generally gentle souls who get caught up in misguided idealism for reasons that sometimes can be traced back to our unfortunate childhoods. We are intrinsically good people and our faults can certainly be redeemed. I just want to admonish my fellow victims from engaging in too much self-pity. It keeps us in a state of rage and disbelief. Instead we ought to grapple with reality – this is a dark, cold , cruel world fraught with sociopaths, psychopaths, cannibals, plagues, filth and poverty. There are emotional vampires out there who continuously sniff for vulnerability in the same way vultures surveil for death. So what do we do? We arm ourselves with knowledge, maturity and strength. The human spirit is incredibly resilient. The neuroplastic character of our brains shows that we can overcome our weaknesses and vulnerabilities through practice at any age. I speak from experience because recently I encountered my former tormentor and I felt not the slightest emotion for this wretched creature. No love, no hate. Only indifference. My heart had become utterly inert to her powers of seduction.
So dear friends, especially fellow men, Get wise, get busy. Permanently discard feelings of shame and self-hatred regarding what happened. As Bob Dylan once wisely wrote, “Don’t think twice, it’s alright.”
Reading all these comments in here from the men makes me think we all dated the same woman. I can’t even believe that they can be so cruel and try to purposely ruin your life once you have revealed their true selves and intentions. I won’t lie I fell deep in love with my recent ex and asked her to marry me after 3 months of being together. I never ever had such an amazing “loving” “caring” person in my life. But then the betrayal set in and so did all control of my emotions. I was lost as to where the woman I wanted to marry went… It’s just now that I’m reading all this… That I find clarity in my life and I understand it wasn’t my fault. I tried everything in the world to make this woman happy and show her love, and with each passing moment she made things worse. I had never been in a relationship like this and I promise myself to never let it happen again. Love is blind sometimes. Easier to walk away with your head up once you realize the truth behind it all.
Wow. This is almost exactly what happened to me.
These posts had my head bobbing up and down in agreement and left me feeling that posting my story would be redundant. Let’s just say it’s a composite of all the others. Leads me to believe there is a school of sociopaths or a professional association when these creatures train and perfect their craft. Perhaps they read these blogs for ideas.
I think (or I believe that it is in their brain pattern) ….. as they repeat the same behaviour over and over. Do not learn from past mistakes and go around and round in circles, taking you with them (if you allow them to).
Almost exactly what I went through except my sociopath was a guy. He moved in, wanted to marry me right away, then everything fizzled within three months and he started going on FB looking for other women, etc. I paid for everything, then he left for another country and never came back. But for over a year I was supporting him over there until he eventually dumped me when he found something better and got his citizenship which I made possible for him to get. Then he just dumped me via email. This was this April. Now he is engaged to someone else.
Yep that sounds like someone reading from the sociopath manual.
Mine led me a merry dance for 3 years….The first six months she was two timing me with her ex without either of us knowing what was going on.I vertually remodled her entire house with a cost of about £10000 worth of work.We came back from holiday to find her new supply had moved in while we were away……….Still can get my head round how they can be so cruel and calculated when they know what we have lived through
Oh yes…watch that mask swoosh away after a few drinks
I am sorry that this happened to you Richard. I know the feeling and can empathise, I lost a lot financially too. They see other people as opportunities. It can hurt a lot to know that we were so foolish, and to have our generosity thrown back in our faces. it is like being punished for being kind 😦
4 weeks ago the sociopath i was dating( who came to me banging on my door begging me to help her get off meth. what a mistake that was. everyone said run! victim mentality cry!) told me she needed 1200 dollars or her and her family would be evicted. she showed me all the bill s she owed.i gave her 1200. she said she was making a trip in two days to west virginia to visit friends. on thursday when she was leaving she stopped by told me how much i saved her and how much she loved me.i had spent the previous 8 weeks keeping her clean and not letting her out of my sight. she said she would call me on her way back on sunday. i texted and called her all night sunday till 1:00 A.M.. she texted back at 2:40 A.M. and said she was home. i said i was going to come over. she said dont. that we were through. she brought back her new boyfriend that had offered her a better deal! (WTF?)and she never wanted to see me again. he had just got out of prison for the 2nd time. first he did 8 years for making meth. 2nd time he did 2 years for home invasion. she lost her job the following Tuesday because she was on a meth high and couldn’t make it into work on Monday. hey! there is a God. he sent this creature to rescue me from this devil. true story!
Wow…. well it looks like perhaps she has met her match. As now she will be ruled and controlled by him. If he is the dealer. When you say her, and ‘her family’ will be evicted, do you mean she has children?
mom is a drug addict just turned 60. she has supported her mom, and baby half sister for 10 years. after her step father (who raped her in front of mom while mom was drugged out) died from a cocaine overdose. the sickness of this whole family is unbelievable. and i thought i could help her. she sucked me in with the victim mentality cry. she didnt want to clean up she just wanted money! this has been the worst experience of my life. im am now free from all of this and will never deal with her again. thanks for the love you have given us through your website and your experiences!