Staying with the present, RIGHT NOW… will help you to heal you and your life in the quickest way possible.

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Tomorrow is always a blank piece of paper. Make sure that you colour tomorrows paper with your own crayons. Visualise the life that you want to live… not the life that you have lived.

If you find this hard. Stay with the present. Right NOW. Take care of right now, and you will find yourself, taking care of you.

Sometimes the sociopath has taken a long time to take you, and your life down. Don’t expect to resolve all of these issues and feelings overnight. Just focus on what you can do right now.

Even if you have lost everything, the most important thing that you must first recover is yourself.

If you have lost jobs, home, finances, friends, family, reputation, self esteem and self respect. Start simple. Focus on the simple. This start begins with you. You can do this by focusing on the present right now.

Try not to focus on what is going to happen in the future or what has happened in the past, if you find your mind wandering, try to think of a way to bring yourself back to RIGHT NOW. Look at your surroundings. Write a list of all the GOOD that you still have left in your life. Try to let go of the fear.

Letting go of the sociopath will help you to grow.

Try not to focus on the fact that you are alone either… at least you have yourself. Once you find YOU again, you will begin to feel so much stronger.

Find your passions. Find the old you – who was you BEFORE you met the sociopath? What made you tick? What did you like to do? All of these things are YOU. The REAL you, not who the sociopath turned you into.

It can be hard to believe in yourself, when you have had your confidence and self esteem smashed apart, but – believe in yourself!!! Try to be the very best that you can be, for YOU… not for anybody else, but for you. When you take care of you, everything else will start to fall into place.

What is important, more than anything is to live for love – not fear. If you are feeling negative, or frightened, how can you find a way to turn those thoughts around? Look at the feeling, ask yourself, is this love or fear based. if it is based on fear – then change that thought. Write it down. If you write it down, you can look back and see your progress. If you have a slip, don’t be too hard on yourself. Get back up, get out your clean piece of paper, and start colouring in your life again.

You choose the colours, you choose the patterns. You can create your own life. You can really heal yourself. what is important is to start small, stay with the present – right now…. and you will grow again faster than you ever thought possible.

  • Remember, tomorrow hasn’t happened yet, your worst fears might never happen. Most of the time the things that we fear in life most, never actually happen. You could spend your life living in fear, and the sociopath will be more than happy to provide a bucketload of fear for you to worry about – that is, if you allow them to.
  • If you find your mind wandering – pay attention to your surroundings. Look at what is left and GOOD in your life. Call an old friend. Do art, be free, let go of self imposed restrictions, and try not to care how good or bad it is, don’t think of the end result, get creative. Let go…. Listen to music you love. Put on a great dvd. Anything to keep you with the present. To be right with the moment, and love your right now.  The truth is, that the present, and right now is ALL that you have control over. If you take care of the present you will start to take back control over you.

Now is the time to start taking care of you. You cannot fix anybody else, you know this, but can almost certainly fix YOU.

PS…. don’t forget the no contact. You cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it. The sociopath will, can and does hijack your thoughts… and your life. So take back your own life and find the inner beauty of you. Find your magic again, find what makes you tick, what makes you proud, what is very unique and individual about you!

PPS – also remember that you can still do colouring with broken crayons!!

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166 thoughts on “Staying with the present, RIGHT NOW… will help you to heal you and your life in the quickest way possible.”

  1. Thanks PG!! I needed this! It’s been a while since I’ve commented but I’ve been on the site. Today seems exceptionally weird for me. Five months since all this BS and I still feel despair at times. Not as often as before. But the emotions is still there.

    Hope you’re well xx

    1. Why does today feel weird for you iwillrise?

      Keep going…. remember with any addiction, you will often have pangs of wanting the fix of the addiction. It doesn’t mean that what you are craving is right for you, if it makes you feel bad about you – its wrong…

      Stay strong… five months is amazing…

      1. Thank you. I just had a moment today ‘over standing’ the enormity of the horrible things he had done to me emotionally. I think what made today so weird was because it felt so surreal what I had endured xxx

      2. Why does he show up. Why do I give him the ability to control my emotions. I know he has cheated and never was faithful. Lied every time he opened his mouth. It has taken me five years to get to the point of no contact and he shows up at my appt. I was feeling stronger and now I feel that same familiar knawing pain in my soul. How did I ever get caught up in this? This is pure insanity!

      3. This site has been a life saver. As you guys know. The devastation this brings to your life. It took me to such a dark place. I wish there was a delete button for our minds. It has been mind blowing what others have experienced also. It was and still is hard to comprehend that there are people who are so calculating and cold. They are truly wolves in sheep clothing. I mean I know they are out there I just had no clue that I would be a victim. It had made me view people as potintial pain. I know God can heal my brokenness. I give it to him every day. Thank you for responding PG.

      4. Hi Pos & everyone,
        I get the pangs of craving, addiction, i’m back to no contact & trying to keep to it, not give in to weakness, addiction, as i did before & yes found myself back in the ex narc’s cycle, temper, manipulation, arguments started by him, etc. 3 1/2 mths is the longest no contact i’ve had, i have let go for good, i know i cannot take the mental abuse, his unhealthy behaviour, treatment of me etc. Lucky my old friends are all coming back to me,they are very forgiving souls, after what 2 of them witnessed, met him. Pray we all keep to no contact & love ourselves, take care of us, have our self respect back. I struggle to love myself but have good hobbies & good social, church network. Love, light & thinking of u all, u all are inspiration to me. God bless all xx 🙂

      5. When you get a little distance, it seems unfathomable some of the things they do that we forgive. I was remembering last night something he did that I couldn’t believe I let pass. This morning, I can’t recall it. I don’t know about you, but I choose not to carry alarming things as top of mind. I wonder if that is how they get under the radar. They are so dysfunctional that our brains reject the behavior and shelve it, effectively forgetting without some active recall. I think the brain is ingenious, but also dangerous in light of the behaviors of sociopathic company.

      6. Very true Jusa re the brain & that damn cognitive dissonance is a bummer 😦

        From Psychopathyawareness face book page 🙂
        All psychopaths are pathological liars. They use deception as a way to obtain control and power over their targets, entertain themselves, further their disturbing and sadistic desires, and convince themselves of their own perceived superiority. Deception enables them to orchestrate convoluted games in which only they are aware that a game is being played, thereby ensuring that they are the apparent winners. The lies also automatically give them an advantage over their targets, creating the perfect conditions for depraved rule-making, brainwashing, and other forms of manipulation and abuse. Psychopaths abhor the truth, because the truth puts them on equal footing with their victims. Thankfully, the truth will out, and it does set us free! When we survivors discover what is real and see behind the psychopaths’ many masks, their ridiculous games come to an end, and we emerge as the true winners.

      7. Oops, yes I know 😉
        They all have a pathy & it’s hard to work out which one fits each scenario etc…mine is a Soc/Narc without the discard part.
        He keeps them all as a collection but, fits the rest to a tee!
        All liars though & the ‘truth does set us free’. 🙂

        Talk soon bella 🙂
        All good & I have severed ties with the OW 😉 as suggested 🙂
        Love your work 🙂

        Your biggest fan…me PR LOL xoxo

  2. I really needed this today. It’s been two months with absolute No Contact, but there are still days that i miss him so much and want to call him, but I am reminded of how sick our relationship was and that he did not live me and only used me. I hope that I can start having days that I don’t wake up thinking of him or going to sleep thinking of him. I am also reminded of how much better I feel even though I think of him and miss him, I know my life is so much better and peaceful without him.

    1. Cmarie
      Just stay strong girl ! If you give in , the last two months of suffering would have been for nothing and you would have to start all over . I know your thinking ” just one more time , to make the pain stop “, I know , I was there once . But it is an illusion , that can never ever be . They are not equipped to make anyone happy please remember that !
      Concentrate on you , be good to yourself because you are worth it !
      It will take time and it will be difficult
      but it will get better you must believe that ! You deserve so much better than being with some damaged piece of humanity !
      Love&Peace

      1. thank you ladybug for the encouraging words. I am so grateful to this site, because of people like you that understand the pain of what I am going through. I am staying strong, I will not throw away the last few months for a moment of relief, because that will be all that it is just a moment. I know better today that he is not capable of being the man that I want in my life. I will eventually forget and get over him and I pray that I do meet someone that is healthy, but I also need to heal and be healthy to attract someone that is not a liar, cheater, and sociopath. Thank again.

      2. Hi Cmarie, Pos & PR & others
        How are u all travelling? I am resisting cravings, obsessive thoughts but am keeping sane & strong, I do short train trips, meet at cafes with friends, socialise alot now + voluntary work. I wil do some journalling & buy a coloring book, i read coloring in is therapeutic. I should buy the wrist band & flick it everytime i have thoughts of ex. I did hear of ex thru mutual friends. They said he was still angry at me etc. He sent me an email which i replied to and said its over, happened for the best & please no more contact. For he found out thru facebook that i have been seeing a man, (another ex) but he’s not a socio or narc! He said he thinks i should tell my mutual friends of my new friend. I replied to him to mind his own business in future & not pry into my life as he needs to let me go. I tried to keep fb posts private to only my closest frnds but my ex must have looked at my friend’s pge.
        No Contact is the Only Way to go, as i know thru hard experience. I blocked his emails & Fcebk now & feel much better, lighter for it.
        Blessings, love, light & hope you all feeling better in your healing journey. 🙂 🙂 I have nice dinners, lunches, walks & talks with my old friend

    2. Hello Cmarle,
      Yes i know what u going thru, i miss & think of my ex every morning, nite. I was with him for 1 1/2 yrs with 7 break ups, of 2-3 mths no contact. My life is much more peaceful, no arguments, manipulation without him, or having to turn my phone off, as he got jealous, angry, spiteful, possessive of me, blamed my friends & ex’s for our troubles. U will feel better, stronger over time. I’m at the start of No Contact, for the 7th time, i hope i’ve learnt my lesson. I gave in to weakness before & answered email from him or sent him a letter & he would contact me 2mths later, was lonely, said loving words to me & i was hooked in, i was in love with his potential, i think that what it was, but my gut feeling would say it wont work, he wont change & gut feeling, intuition has been right true, all along, so have most of my friends & all my family with their advice, observations.
      Try to keep busy, draw, have a coffee at a cafe, go for a walk, ring a friend & go on this forum, it helps me alot lol. I’d love to contact, find his other ex’s on this forum, they would get a shock? to hear from me. 2 of them are on facebook but i hesitate to contact msg them, i have never met 1 of them & 1 i met but wasnt introduced as his gf at the time. Peace & love, u will be ok, hope i will be too. It is a craving of addiction,much like cigs, or drugs,but it easier to say than to do! I know.

      1. Thank you Dragonfly, I also wish you peace and love and hope that you can stay strong with NC, its very hard but I now know that it is very important in order to get our lives back. I realized it is very much an addiction. So when I start craving, I have to do something to stop the craving, which today its exercising. I have lost 20 pounds since I moved out in October and look and feel so much better on the outside, I am working on having the inside catch up feeling better. I know it will if I continue working on me. I wish you the very best in keeping No Contact, remind yourself of the pain you have gone through in the last 7 break ups.

        Take care my friend.

    3. I see it like this…they don’t care so why should you?
      They get bored they want to play” with your emotions
      Keep those boundaries firm as represent your standards and respect

      1. Thanku Cmarie, its been 6 wks no contact now, & i hope u r feeling better, taking care of yourself too. I’ve been socialising, going to church, having nice meals out, volunteer work, walking. We all survivors & no contact is healing, although i have sad periods, some days & mind daydreams of past, but i know he can never change & we said our gbyes, had some closure. Take care, my friend 🙂 xxo
        I hope u are going well, P.R, Positiva Girl & everyone.
        Love, light, God Bless U all, on our journeys of healing, evolving, learning lessons, being happy in ourselves. :), loving ourselves
        Take care my friends

    1. If you are having nightmares every night Jill have you looked at an online assessment for ptsd? It is treatable. Nightmares are horrible I really empathise with you. My ptsd was caused by a trauma other than socio but the psychological abuse they inflict can almost certainly cause ptsd and psychological trauma.

      1. Thanks Pos , a timely post was having a grim down day today 😦 . Put me back on track a bit 🙂

        Nick

      2. I would appreciate some advice from everyone if possible as its really knocked me today .

        My Sp is opening a 4 th Yankee Candle outlet with the money that she has stolen from me , while I struggle to provide day to day things ( let alone treats ) for my Daughters .

        “She ” will take around £ 20 k this Mothers Day weekend in the 4th shop alone ( its in a City centre shopping centre )while I am still too nervous to go back to the Police to follow through completely with my report of fraud & theft for fear of false allegations of rape ( or worse ) being thrown at me .

        She has done this to her ex husband who went through hell defending himself . If it is taken seriously , I will be suspended without pay for as long as it takes to investigate .

        What do I do folks ? , this situation is so wrong , I shake with fear every morning for a couple of hours until I get going . Its like being stuck in a nightmare you can t wake up from ( a direct quote from her ex husband )

        Nick

        😕

      3. I knew I was originally commenting on a smart cookie. PTSD is very real and … well … very sucky! I have said before – use reliable sources for information – it is our strength!

        Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

        PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, is an anxiety problem that develops in some people after extremely traumatic events, such as combat, crime, an accident or natural disaster.

        People with PTSD may relive the event via intrusive memories, flashbacks and nightmares; avoid anything that reminds them of the trauma; and have anxious feelings they didn’t have before that are so intense their lives are disrupted.

        http://us.yhs4.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?hspart=ironsource&hsimp=yhs-fullyhosted_003&type=md0202ie&p=PTSD+from+American+Psychologial+Association

        NOTHING BETTER THAN A STRONG AND POWERFUL WOMAN WHO COMBATS HARDSHIP WITH KNOWLEDGE!

    2. I have made a few posts about the confirmed sociopath who has destroyed my life – as well as our common children. And his diagnosis – confirmed by a battery of psych tests I refused to listen too despite my education in psychology. Nightmares often plague my sleep as my son has confirmed that his father – my sociopathic ex – has molested him. Even worse, I found out – and the ex openly admitted – to molesting both of his sisters when he was 12 and 13 and they were – ready several MONTHS old and 6 – 7 years old – easy to read in a report and everything. Nightmares plague my every moment. Nightmares can be controlled and conquered. Burn some white candle before you go to bed and try to concentrate on the current, positive aspects of your life. Then – when the nightmares occur – YELL at yourself that you are in control. You CAN and WILL wake up if you deem it. It takes practice – but does work. It is what saved my grossly compromised sanity. You are in control, you are strong, and your recovery will be long – BUT very possible. If you let the dreams plague you – you are allowing abuse on a different level. Strength can carry in different consciousness – and if you accept that – you will sleep better. Stay well 🙂

    3. @Jill

      Don t know how long you have got rid of your sp for , I had nightmares for about 6-7 months I m guessing , they seem to have passed now ( a year or so )

      I think they will get a bit less , I hope so

      Nick 👍👍👍👍

      1. Hi Nick, if you haven’t already I hope you do seek out legal counsel so that you know where you stand, it sometimes helps manage the fear of what the SP might do to you if you know exactly how the law views your situation (or possibly scenarios). Keep knocking on doors until someone is willing to hear you.

    4. Thanku CMarie
      I am struggling a bit today re NC & missing my ex, hes on fb, but guess what, it logged me out! God making sure i dont see him on fb. Wow what a sign, caring from God, Universe. I am on the pc on this wonderful forum & also reading about dragonflies my fave creatures, reading bible & 2day I attended a funeral of a counsellor at my church, who touched many lives. Listening to her Euology was moving, emotional. Alot of people & her family missing her, have a huge gap in their lives. I was blessed to feel her spirit there, as I am blessed with some intuition, psychic ability, it was touching to know she was there, she appreciated all the trouble people went to, I know she would be trying to comfort her family. I’m glad you’re exercising, yes walking makes me feel better too, i’m recovering from a 4 yr hip injury too, but am much better than i was 5 years ago. Love, peace, light, blessings to u & keep to NC & thanks for your empathy, support, inspiration to me, everyone on here.
      Love & Light, keep to NC & thanks for your kind message, it helps keeps me on the straight & narrow, focused on whats best for me, my spirit. I’m glad ur looking after yourself, too.:) xx. Self love, inner work, reclaiming our identities, hobbies, using rose quartz for love, to attract love in time, rediscovering who we really are, will help us a lot. Take care my friend

  3. Thank you 🙂 I find weekends the hardest to cope because I spent all my weekends before with the spath. I try to keep my brain occupied doing lots of things to fill the time so I’m not constantly thinking about what we used to do. Mornings are so difficult even five months on because my first thought is always him. I have to think so hard about good reasons to get up each morning, it’s getting easier- this morning it was the thought of using a new hair product I’d bought the day before! Little things as you say. Xx

  4. Nick- I think you should see about any probono lawyers in your township that might take the case on? There are many free legal aid services throughout the country and I think you need some legal help.
    Sharing your story with professionals might make a break through!
    It might be that you don’t have enough evidence, but I still think it would be worth it, even if it never makes it to court, to drag this woman down to expose her. Just thinking here, others on here might have better input.

    But back to this thread, I LOVE IT! I was so thinking yesteday working in the yard as Spring’s Sprung here in Texas. I was all alone with my sidekick cat, and accomplished so much yesterday. I celebrated with music and wine after a long hot shower! Slept like a brick, even though I still wake up in the wee hours and have to look at clock ( not sure what’s up with that- been doing that for a while now).

    The wonderful thing is, even after I have a funk day, I always suppress the negative with the thought that tomorrow will bring a new condition, a new appreciation! No one in this world is feeling great every day, so important to remember that it’s a human condition. All this reality can be so tiring! I have been NC for my first month! YAY! He has tried to contact me, but blocked on texts/cell and the couple of house phone calls he makes he left like this message ( he’s done this before) where you can hear him in the background doing stuff, clankin noises- TV on in background! Who does this? Weirdos, that’s who! I used to think it was accident when he did this when we were dating, but no, see? My gut said he was weird, but I ignored. Lots of times I made excuses for him saying just awful things, and normal people engage brain before putting mouth in motion, LOL ( to quote my 4th grade teacher!).

    Anyway, I know I have a ways to go with recovery, but the ever onward encouragement from this site has been a Godsend. I don’t do Fakebook, so this is so much more real and perdinant. We are all focused on the subject and I think that shows the value of true “social media”, because we aren’t randomingly firing off stuff, talking about distractions. We Are Focused on here! So do like Pos says- focus on youreself and your talents. And read all the links on here- man you can really see where you fit in to all this madness.
    Cheers!
    Edaldude

    1. Edaldude,

      Thanks , I will have a long think about it . I can prove the money transfers bar for one ( about 10 % of the money I handed over in cash after all sorts of lies & pressure …. I don t need to tell anyone how good these things are at plausible lying .,. )

      Its the retaliation false accusations I am really paranoid about . If I lose my job then my Daughters will suffer further than they are even now – not to mention me as well !

      Thanks

      Nick

      1. Hi Nick 🙂

        I am saddened to read you are still ‘stuck’ in the torture that the Soc leaves in their wake 😦
        I too have the ‘power’ to bring my Spath/Narc down but, it means throwing myself & the OW ‘under the bus’, just to prove a point.
        I am taking the higher road as I & the OW don’t need to be sacrificed to prove anymore what a complete waste of space our Soc is.
        I am letting Karma take care of this for me & I know that it does come around eventually but, doesn’t have a deadline nor an agenda!
        If you can, go & talk to a professional that can help you deal with the stress & anxiety that this is causing you.
        Rest assured, you are not alone but, going after her will only increase your suffering & prolong your pain.
        Time is the greatest healer & you must forgive yourself for being duped & conned.
        Remember, whilst money is a great asset to us all here in order to provide us with our basic needs etc…it is worthless if you don’t cultivate love within yourself & compassion for yourself. Money means nothing in heaven so, live here on this earth with less money but, an abundance of love & compassion for those that love you 🙂
        Your spath has money but, she will never have You or your love again & that is a great loss.
        She has nothing but money & as I said, that’s cold comfort at the end of the day if you don’t have the real love you desire & need.
        You have your girls & you have your friends & family & it may not be great for you right now but, life is a journey & you will bring more love & light into your life as you go along 🙂 Stay MIndful of LOVE 🙂
        Stay positive as we are ‘out here’, in your boat & all paddling down the river with you & I for one have sold my shares in the paddle store up ‘shit creek’…LOL 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. Hi Nick – I’m so sorry – you apparently have a hard time currently in front of you. I have made several posts – specific to only women being the victim of a sociopathic – as the behavior is more typical of men – BUT in fairness – I saw that you were “in a nightmare you can’t wake up from” and I can say – I’m sure most people here sympathize. Talking about your pain is step one. Second step – understanding what you are in control of what you are not! Personally – I can speak from pure experience as it took me over a year to understand I had little control over anything. Your step one – do what you can do with law enforcement. Step 2 – accept the finding of law enforcement even if it does not divvy out any form of justice. Congratulations on being a brave man who can not only ask for help – but still very much so be a man who can seek advice while being honest, vulnerable, an open minded to others input. Love…Christine 🙂

  5. I have nominated you for the Liebster Award. If you would like to accept it, please go to my blog site for details. You are an inspiration and thank you for your advice and support. TBH

    Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

    I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are loosing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

    Each step you take you are not alone.

    Stand Strong.

    TBH

    Please go to this link to read how to accept your award.
    http://turkeyboneheaven.com/2014/03/23/brave-heart-award/
    Please go to this link to read how to accept your award.

      1. I just hope Karma comes round on all these evil beings one day , I am in some type of numbness most of the time like a zombie . I can work ok most of the time , I just break down about once a fortnight & tell my estranged Wife how I feel about her , something deep inside me needs to tell her how much I love her , she is so humiliated that I believed the spaths lies that she was having an affair , I m sorry , I can t write any more for a bit, I ve never felt pain and guilt like this .

        Thanks for all your kind words absolutely everybody

        Nick x

      2. Nick, you can never tell a person enough times how much they mean too you so, keep telling her 😃
        Keep telling yourself also please, you are a good man & you will be loved in return 😃
        I know this for sure but, as I’ve told you before, actions speak louder than words so, do everything from a loving place.
        You know how, fight the blackness of pain & fear & opt for light & love 😃
        Everyday do something or say something positive, just a smile at a complete stranger can make their day so, practice kindness & it will come back too you tenfold 😃 i do & it works!
        PR xoxo

    1. Happy Monday Morning, and thanks Phoenix for posting this video! This is like such a great way to start the new work week and the retro sounds will comfort many Gen X’ers and Babyboomers ( almost like when I was a kid and saw “The Electric Company” I was thinking.) And of course, your written words are always right-on, too!
      Bless,
      E

      1. Your welcome E 🙂
        It was my Dad’s favorite & now mine & Pos loves it too 🙂

        Have a great week 🙂
        PR xoxo

      1. Jusagurl, I was trying to reply to your morning post earlier and this WordPress is so weird how you can’t post to replies! Didn’t want to break the thread with a thought towards your thought. So here it goes since we both posted on this one…

        No, but I loved what you were saying this morning about how our brains here the garbage drama and it is so unfathomable that someone who supposedly ‘loves’ you would say! I would call someone right after he would say some shit and from my blessed mom to my blessed friends, would say ” WTF? Honey! Leave the jerk”~ and then the spath would call a few hours later like nothing’s happened! Definite warning sign, no thoughts, no remorse.

        So I am with you gurl! Who wants to even be carrying around their stuff? They dump on us because I really do think they get a kick out of disrupting nice people’s emotions. Know what I did this weekend? Got rid of his clothes he left here and donated to recycling fair at local school! It felt so good to remove small stuff that I don’t really care about anyway ( I did keep his jeans cuz they fit! LOL). But, I can handle a couple of knickknacks he left here or gave as gifts. Those aren’t “him”. I also printed a giant pic of my new luv interest and put it in a cherished frame, because he’s so damned hot! I put it by my bed on dresser- eschewing any notion that this new man could ever be half as crazy as my spath, but also realizing that I have to be cautious! The Universe sure works in mysterious ways because he called last night all the way from England just to encourage me and his texts and emails have been a magic so well-timed! My friend says I am crazy to focus on one person for so long I can’t even meet, but, he is due back end of this week and I am a sucker for his many deep thoughts on emails and texts- plus he’s always asking about how I AM doing! My ex would rarely inquire about me, even after my mom passed. But yet he would go into his banter about how shitty his day was going, or complain about some other trivial baloney! UGH- Don’t miss, not interested! I am free of the BS! I am so excited, but I am grounded too because we all know the potential for deceit out there. We’ve all been shown the worst wickedness, so you never let your guard down or make excuses for what we’ve endured ever again!
        Cheers!
        Edaldude

    2. Wise advice PR! Staying in the present is important – even if the present only means the minute. If there is an interruption by the thorn in your side – let the moment pass and keep going forward. I just received an email from the crazy ex – I brewed for about 5 minutes – filed it for my attorney – and my day will continue. I cannot enter a boxing ring with a coward who only curses from the ropes … 🙂

      Christine

      1. Hi Christine,

        Good Girl & Go YOU 🙂
        Never respond as that is the game!
        File away & get on with your day, love it! 🙂
        Never engage with the ‘fool’, they hate indifference so, pay it forward & keep moving through & on with your life as, you truly appreciate life & love whilst he never will!

        Have a great day, it’s going to be a bright sun shiny day with you in it 🙂
        Love & Light 🙂
        Smile Bella, it’s all about YOU for a change, YOU glorious YOU 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. Christine,

        WAY TO GO GIRLFRIEND! I am so proud of you. You can handle this. You’ve got what it takes to make it through 🙂 xx

        PR,
        You have been wonderful here, for a long time. You are a great support to us too. Xx

      3. Hi Bunny 🙂

        Thank you & I am glad to help & support others as I truly believe this is what saved me 🙂
        I have run the gauntlet & see so many others running & cannot help but reach out to you all 🙂
        It keeps me sane & does not keep me stuck as, I believe that you must stay here/or elsewhere until fully healed & that the addiction, abuse etc…can take years to recover from but, it does get easier & time is a great healer.
        I have spoken to the OW in my life & I see now that she will either end up here or somewhere lost but, that her happiness is an illusion & once the reality eventually sets in then the cycle is completed once again.
        I have broken the connection via this site & my own self awareness & am walking my talk with fewer & fewer setbacks 🙂

        You can do this also Bunny but, first of all you must believe that you can & then the rest is easy. Trust yourself & your ability to survive.
        You are a wonderful person & you deserve to think & feel independently & have a fantastic life without a parasite feeding off of you!

        Love & continued healing my friend 🙂
        PR xoxo

      1. Love you too B 😃

        Your a wonderful person, keep going & make yourself proud as, I am to have helped in anyway 😃 we all help each other 😃

        Love & Light Always,
        PR xoxo

      2. Me too, thanku PG & PR, you both are inspirational & very helpful, insightful. Like angels, healers. Love, light 🙂 xo

  6. Hi Everyone fortunate enough to have come this far & welcome to the new people:).
    You are not alone here. 🙂

    Okay well, I have had yet another epiphany (yes another 😉 I’ve had heaps!

    I met a couple of elderly folks recently & the old guy has dementia 😦
    Unfortunately, his poor wife is now his carer 😦
    His dementia has made him turn into a ‘dirty old man’ whose depraved mind has him constantly looking/searching/talking about sex etc…he even ‘hi on me!’ LOL….
    As I now know, he’s a Sociopath/Narc or whatever?
    He gave his lovely wife a ‘hell’ of a life with numerous affairs/triangulation etc…you know the drill 😦
    This is his ‘Karma’ but, alas his wife has to suffer for him still (hopefully not) as I told her, she is ‘free’ now to have some sort of life whilst maintaining his care etc…this is possible & she does not need to suffer his ‘Karma’ it is not hers!

    Remember that we are not loser’s people 🙂
    You cannot lose at a game you never agreed to play.
    High Fives all around for being ‘winners’ & salvaging yourselves from these disturbed individuals (to coin a phrase from my OW).
    I have also let the OW go & have wished her well on her choice to stay or go on with ‘our’ boy?
    I have supported her & given her ample advice & support to help her make clearer (if possible) decisions but, have taken the ‘high road’ once again 🙂

    If she stays knowingly then that is her journey & I for one would be ‘off like a shot & you wouldn’t see me for dust’, if it was me 😉

    Sadly she gave him the upper hand when she made him choose her over me etc…
    I am glad she informed me as I would still be in his pathetic game as he had no intention of discarding me (he told me this!).
    He covets women & I want no part of being possessed or collected like an object….yes, he objectifies all his women.

    I have pulled up my ‘big girl’ undies & guy’s hoick up your ‘jockie shorts’, & let’s all keep moving forward together, through the pain of these creatures & onto our ‘higher place’.
    Go & pick up a pet & give it a cuddle, hug your loved ones or hug a freakin tree but, just stay real & grounded 🙂

    Yeah, we got hurt, abused, duped, conned & thrown under a bus but, here we are still. We look at a rainbow & think Ahh, that’s beautiful, whereas our creatures look & think, I wonder if I can get that ‘pot of gold’ before someone else!
    Or, isn’t that puppy cute, yes it is awww 🙂
    The Soc is thinking, just wait until I train you into submission & maybe give you a treat! LOL….

    I like puppies to cuddle & rainbow’s to look at as I know, the ‘pot of gold’ doesn’t exist but, the beauty of a rainbow is awe inspiring.

    Love & continued Light everyone 🙂
    Stay real,
    PR xoxo

  7. I really need this thanks for posting! It’s been 1 and a half month since we separated and i thought i was already feel ok now till few nights ago i woke up in the middle of night and feeling so lost and missing him so much…my mind started to think back how things used to be…our house our pets our life together…al gone so suddenly..i feel so lost as i lose everything and need to start over again..damn life is so hard now

    1. Hi Dreamer 😃
      It does get easier & after 10 long years & nearly 12 months free, i can tell you time does make all the difference.
      No Contact is the only way to get clear & mine contacted me in Jan to try & triangulate me once again 😔
      I was stronger for having NC & stayed here & shared & supported erc…so I was well prepared for the ‘call’ & i did not go back to the ‘game’.
      You will get there & its a really hard road but, the end is a more self aware, self educated, self loving & self resilient 😃
      You are not alone so, be brave & believe you are worthy of better because, YOU are 😃

      Love & Light 😃
      PR xoxo

      1. Thanks for your kind words PR!
        It’s really encouraging me 🙂
        I am actually in the middle of divorce with my sociopath husband..He’s suppose to come on my last court hearing but he didnt.. Now he kinda just dissapear 😦
        Well he was my everything before as i was dependent on him in everything… he didnt let me work and provide for me everything and took care if my needs… he pampered and spoiled me but at the same time he was making me felt down n trapped and i didnt even know of the term sociopath until we got separated and reading this sites really helps me coz all things makes sense now… nobody understands what i was going through and it so hard to explain to them as i thought i was the crazy one… but only those who live with sociopath will understand…i wish i knew about him before but at least i know now and all make sense and i kinda found peace knowing this…
        I still long for my life before with him… i know this going to be hard but i will keep on sticking to NC !

      2. Aww Dreamer, i know it us hard for you right now & NC is the only way to break the ‘spell’ & gain clarity & your ‘true self’ will emerge once again 😃
        Remember the person you were before him & focus on doing for yourself & taking care of YOU. If he has made you completely dependent then you must now look towards independence & like any oppressed person you will rise I am sure 😃
        You have found us so, that’s a great start.
        Have faith in yourself, I do 😃
        PR xoxo

  8. Thank you. Tragically, my daughter has been severely alienated (& is suffering much emotionally, but seems as stuck as some, Yes, “some” of my ex’s ex-wives and current wife, as I was… I stayed in hell for 11 years, and his abuse has escalated to Parental Alienation and has also cost me much financially. Last night, I could not sleep. I thank you for this article — it will help. (I love to color, btw :0) )

    1. Colour your life Torn & with you to guide your daughter, she will colour hers as well 😃
      They do so much damage but, rest assured it is fixable if you focus on love & not fear or pain 😔
      Stay & learn & find comfort in knowing you are not alone here.
      Be Brave & big hugs to you both 😃
      PR xoxo

  9. Hello everyone,

    I am back from a long break. I was doing well so I came here less. Guess what? Big mistake! Maintenance is necessary! I went back a 4th time recently. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. (Just regular abuse but not full force yet). I believe he is dealing drugs. He says he hangs with dangerous people and he hangs up the phone, a lot! Oh , so other girlfriends are dangerous? Lol. I actually did hear guys, but that doesn’t matter does it! I gave him a cell phone awhile back but closed the account. If he is dealing, I don’t want my name involved! My safety has been at risk! Ugh…

    Anyway, I’m back ready to refresh and re-educate myself. I missed you guys. I think a key problem is:

    >I get really mad and fed up with him.
    >Time weakens the anger I have.
    >then I go back

    Time to wake up. Take responsibility for my life. Protect my son. God I hope this is finished. NC just one day. A trip of a thousand miles begins with the first step 😉 missed you Positivagirl, all of you ❤

    1. Bunny! Had been out of the loop too- so don’t feel bad. I am only just at one month, so it’s still fresh to remember the anxiety that only our special jerkface’s provide!

      I had like a revelation about a month ago, after a fresh revisit with mine and just trying to “go with the flow” ( as he said I should do while he entertains someone else)! I tried, God how I tried, but we, as wonderful, empathetic, lovely-souls, we cannot endure these psycho’s mentality. The smallest slight causes a bubblying up of huge resentments! It ain’t worth it.

      I had downloaded some more vinyl to iTunes this chilly weekend, and stumbled upon this old favorite- the words are so meaningful and of course, Annie Lennox is the champion of ‘being wronged’!

      Listen to her bantor near the end- so perfect ot all of us and what we’ve been through- man or woman!
      Rock On!
      Edaldude

    2. Bunnyshy ,

      I don t know if this would work for you , but as soon as I had it explained to me that the “good times ” with these things were as fake as WaltDisneyWorld , just to lure you in nice and close & destroy you as many times as you will allow it ………coupled with the fact that what they have is incurable & untreatable ……once I wrapped my head round all of that , the thing just made my skin crawl . As Pos says Ronald bloody McDonald , thats it , she is right ……. What you think exists doesn t ……..the creature inside operating the body that you see is so disgusting that if you actually saw it up close & personal you would never break no contact ever again . I pray you have the strength to stay clear of it , you would have a more honest relationship with a cuddly rattlesnake 😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇

      🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉

      Or maybe a cheeky alligator …….

      We are all in your corner rooting for you , there are plenty of not maybe so exciting but totally dependable loving blokes out there I promise you . Run away from this maelevolent thing at 100 miles an hour and keep on going

      Regards

      Nick

    3. It’s the addiction that pulls you back bunny. You know you are always welcome here whether you are in it. Out of it. Thinking of leaving or thinking of going back no matter how many times it repeats good to see you back 🙂 wasn’t he dealing drugs before or was it the drug use before?

      1. Positivagirl, Phoenix,
        Thank you for your live and support. Yes he was using drugs but now I strongly believe he is SELLING them. He was homeless a few weeks because his family turned against him, living in his car. He sleeps around friends houses, probably women too of course. He can’t keep a job. He’s abusive of course. I LOATHE the physical bond. That is literally all there is I think. I’m hoodwinked one night and now still stuck.

        It feels sooo good to be back here. Everyone welcoming me back, I feel like I have my family back again. It feels like home here. Love you all very very much ❤

      2. Love you too Bunny 🙂
        Stay strong & yes, stay here & rest among friends 🙂

        P.S….A young guy just told me I’m pretty 😉
        I might untie him later! LOL 😉
        PR xoxo

      3. New bumper sticker idea, PR:

        I fell in love with a sociopath; now, I don’t know which one of us was crazier

        Ok. I am drunk. It’s past 5pm, soc contacted me, so I am allowed…

      4. Great idea Jusa,
        Maybe a Sociopath Sticker….I know who you really are, really, I do!!
        or I’ve got your number 666….LOL.

        So the Big Poop has made contact, as they do to unsettle you & keep you in their game 😦
        Don’t text or respond Jus, it’s a trap & don’t drinky too much & start drunk texting, that’s a danger zone 😦

        Just stay here & talk,support & vent etc…it will pass & your disinterest will annoy the shit out of him 😉
        Be strong & do not reply!
        I will check in as often as I can & elsewhere so, hang in there bella 🙂
        PR xoxo

      5. Yeah, why do they do that? I wasn’t giving him a single thought. My therapist is out of town this week. I loved your bumper stickers LOL

      6. Well then, welcome to your free therapy here 🙂

        They like any contact be it positive or negative & it means they are bored or the other supply is gone or not providing stimulus etc…he just checks in on you to keep you unsettled & thinking of him!
        It’s all part of their persona to own us etc…you are my possession & they covet us all!
        Stay strong bella, we are all here for you 🙂
        x

    4. Hiya Bunny 🙂

      Welcome back & you must stay NC as it’s the only way to break the ‘spell’ etc…or you will keep wasting your life on the same ole merry-go-round & you deserve better than that 🙂

      From Psychopathy Awareness 🙂 Great site & Facebook page 🙂
      Healthy friendships & relationships are characterized by a basic level of mutual consistency, while toxic people operate from one extreme to the next. When you first meet, a psychopath will idealize you on every level—you’re perfect, flawless, and better than anyone they’ve ever known. But these are not genuine compliments. They are a manipulator’s way of securing the right to treat you badly in the future. Once they’ve love-bombed you, they feel entitled to your unconditional adoration & praise. When they begin to show their true colors (lying, infidelity, triangulation, patronizing, criticizing, silent treatment), they expect you to overlook these misdeeds in favor of the flattering memories they engineered. Any deviation from this plan, and you will be deemed “crazy”. You’re not actually crazy. They just need you to believe that in order to keep you distracted from the truth—the truth that they are completely incapable of feeling the love & compassion they once pretended to display.

      When normal people are caught in a lie, they feel ashamed, embarrassed, and uncomfortable. When psychopaths are caught in a lie, they will typically engage in one of the following tactics:

      1. Gaslighting: Ignoring reality & arguing with solid evidence when confronted with it. Accusing you of being crazy, even when the truth is right in front of you.

      2. Blame Shifting: It’s not their fault for lying. It’s your fault for being so petty and pointing out their lie. They might also bring up your past mistakes, to prove that their lie isn’t actually so bad by comparison.

      3. Pity Play: Their bad behavior always has sob-story roots. They learned to lie because of their abusive ex, or their abusive parent, or their abusive cat.

      4. Excuses: Psychopaths have excuses for everything. You will find that they spend a lot more time excusing their behavior than ever actually improving it.

      5. Punishment: When all else fails, you must be punished, so you learn not to point out their lies anymore. This can be done through yelling, cheating, and most commonly—the silent treatment.

      Back to rehab you go 🙂
      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

  10. Awe Edaldude, Nick,

    Thank you for your encouraging words. I am happy to be back. I remember your stories well. All we can do is our very best. I’m really going to try a final escape, and I’m exhausted from this last episode. I hope you are emotionally starting to pull well away from these creatures. I’m ready to do the work. Xo ❤

  11. So very true love this post.. Found my love of video games has returned, and they have kept me enjoying now.. Also found me deep spirituality.. Now is getting over the return of my pure o OCD. But will get there.. Thanks these posts keep me focused pg 🙂

  12. Thanks for this post tonight! I’m REALLY MISSING my daughter and my ex (illegally) won’t let me have contact with her. It’s been really hard to focus on the future this week. I had to make contact with the ex tonight, asking for my visitation and/or phone call. I had an anxiety attack typing out the words. I HATE being forced into contact with him.

    Trying to stay positive.

    I needed the section you wrote about fears tonight for sure!

    Thanks for all that you do!

    1. Hi Electric 🙂

      Have a read of this guys site as I found it really helpful although a lot of reading, gave me more perspective & may help you to deal with your ex?

      http://www.energeticsinstitute.com.au/page/narcissism.html

      Please remember, these people make your life a misery because they are miserable & happiness is an illusion as they are never happy.
      I have seen this in person & it’s all just a game & they use their children as actors in the play 😦
      Hang in there & never ever give up as the ‘truth triumphs’ eventually & your daughter is a part of you so, just send her love & light continually.
      The Power of Love is far greater than anything so, have faith & trust in YOU 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. Hi PR & everyone,
        I found a dvd film about a true sociopath/psychopath. I think it was called “Sleep Tight”. It is about a doorman/Concierge of a building of tenants/owners who became obsessed with a pretty tenant who had a boyfriend. He got into her flat, drugged her everynite while she was asleep, & planted cockroach lavae in her cupboards, injected poison into her cosmetics, creams etc. She got him to fumigate her place. He eventually killed her boyfriend (it was horrid, chilling) & he had written her letters, texts while all this was going on. She found out she was pregnant & her boyfriend suspected the concierge & confronted him but he overpowered her bf. Concierge was fired from his job, had unstable job history. He wrote her a letter after she moved away & told her he’d made her pregnant & wanted to be in their life, help bring up their child. (when he’d drugged her everynite for mths, entered her apartment). I’m so relieved, grateful my ex wasn’t as dangerous as this man, obviously a psychopath – they are not afraid to physcially kill.

      2. That DVD sounds creepy ewww.

        For you D’fly…be yourself, your beautiful 🙂
        Don’t watch creepy dvd’s they’ll keep you stuck in the darkness 😦

        “I first believed without any hesitation in the existence of the soul, and then I wondered about the secret of its nature. I persevered and strove in search of the soul, and found at last that I myself was the cover over my own soul. I realized that that in me which believed and that in me that wondered, that which was found at last, was no other than my soul. I thanked the darkness that brought me to the light, and I valued this veil that prepared for me the vision in which I saw myself reflected, the vision produced in the mirror of my soul. Since then, I have seen all souls as my soul, and realized my soul as the soul of all. And what bewilderment it was when I realized that I alone was, if there were anyone, that I am whatever and whoever exists, and that I shall be whoever there will be in the future.”
        ― Hazrat Inayat Khan

        Love PR xoxo

      3. Hi PR, yes, I gave that creepy dvd to the local opp shop, it was too creepy to keep. Thanks so much for your lovely words on soul.Beautiful. My ex Narc is trying to get back to me, distant contact thru mutual friends. He rang one couple & a mutual fb frnd left msg on my pge. I thanked her for it but deleted ‘he loves you’ frm my pge. I said she can visit me alone, if she’s ever in town which i doubt as she doesn’t travel far. The other people are a pastor & his wife but they see my side more & have spent much more time with me, I am more their friend than he is. I know Pastors have to be diplomatic & compassionate to all anyway. I sent email msg saying to him to let me go, move on. He knows i’m dating someone & is probably jealous. I blocked my email afterwards. So I can’t read any replies. Yes my real friends have never tried to control me or play mind games with me nor had jealous rages, fits of bad temper at me. I was weak & succumb to physical attraction, chemistry & still struggle with the cravings for him, even though i have my dear friend to go on dates with. My ex may feel, sense those cravings. For i can still feel his energy from time to time, even after hypnotherapy, prayer etc. Blessings, love,light to all. 🙂

      4. Good Girl DF 🙂

        Keep out of his games or he’ll keep you in them if you give him the chance.
        To them, any contact is ‘fun’ but, destructive to you so, stay NC & block & do whatever as they come back time & again, even decades later!
        Remember, your head thinks & your heart feels so, keep your head thinking & affirming a better life for yourself & your heart will follow 🙂

        Love PR xoxox

  13. It’s been 4 months of no contact for me and really it’s been over a year that I was slowly drifting away from her. My stories are many, but the final wake up call was when she said last Christmas that she would kill me if I cheated on her . Which I never did and I never have with her or any past girlfriend I have commitment with. She had cheated on me at least 3x prior and would call her ex and go back with him. After almost a year she figured out that I was not going to live like that anymore, with a parasite and not allowed to have my old friends or family in my life. I couldn’t watch sports game (not even 30 minute sports news , or play a video game with some my friends even for 20-30 minutes every now and then. She finally got a job in summer and for her to make it on time, I would have to start to wake her up at 1pm and cook food for her and basically dress her and gather her. 3-4 bags of things she would carry everywhere (pet food, pet clothes, pet stroller, portable internet etc. Now she is on a sugar daddy website and wanted to keep in contact with me even after she had found a new boyfriend after 4 years. She lied and stole from me and made me
    seem like I was the crazy one, that I must have lost it or misplaced it. Eventually I learned I couldn’t keep anything shiny (gold necklace or silver coin because it would disappear. She never worked and she felt entitled to anything I had. I work from home and for 1-2 years she would hate it that I would work that all I cared was about money, lol, I was with her for 24/7 for 3 years. When one day I put all the red flags together and decided that she was something that was not real, she mirrored me she went from evil and mean when I first met her to nice and with morals at least it was like that, till the day her evil friends came back after all their husbands or boyfriends left them (I have stories about them my ex as well). I love her a lot and after reading for 4 months all the post and articles. I am confused and I feel that I want to be with her. Many people including her family tell me that she did me a favor leaving me. ( unconsciously I was drifting away from her as I didn’t see how I would regain my life back. She controlled me even though if we ask her I controlled her. Staying inside the house all the time and not opening up the mini-blinds for weeks (she would get upset if I allowed light in as she couldn’t sleep all day like she wanted to. If I left to go to work on a house rental (she would text me constantly and I couldn’t get any work done, (I of course found this charming that she loved and cared for me) now I know it was ambandament issues. She blamed all her behaviors on someone either a family member or me. I loved her so much and still do and after each breakup (she left 3 times but would always want to come back and those were trips to pick her up 10 hours away as suddenly she is on a plane meeting her terrible criminal girl- friends. When she would break up each time over the phone like a maniac she would scream “you don’t know who your F…..in with!” So I went from being adored and praised to someone she would want to get rid of. I know it’s not her fault, she was born this way and of course she grew up in a violent home (her dad is probably a S-path as well) it’s 4 am and I woke up thinking of her as her family still likes to contact me probably in hopes I will return to my ex. The stories are many, and I miss her and our pets and our life that we had, if it didn’t include all her insecurities. She mirrored me and even now when I speak to her family they tell me that is is like a copy of me even saying quotes I said to her. I knew something was wrong with her from the start when we first met, but she courted me and after many months, of normal behavior (at least from her prior behavior, I was convinced she would change). She had many red flags but somehow I still wanted to be with her and I still do, even though I know that perhaps the end result outcome won’t end well one day!

  14. Hi all, I hope this helps those struggling & other’s that are remaining NC 🙂

    Rest Assured in the end, there are no Hearts & Flower’s with a Soc/Narc or anyone who abuses you 😦

    No Happy Ending for the eventual OW that gets stuck with them either 😦

    I told this true story yesterday about an old man who abused, gamed, cheated & lied etc…his poor long suffering wife throughout their 55 year marriage 😦

    He now has dementia & is a ‘dirty old man’, chats up the ladies in front of her & talks about sex & demeans her like a slave 😦

    The thing is, she was subjected to years & years of abuse & now is his carer!

    Her life is an endless cycle of resentment & abuse & having to care for the man that made her life a nightmare 😦 she is trapped in her compassionate nature & duty to care for her mate.

    I for one am glad that I am free of my Soc as, the resentment of his treatment towards me would eventually fester like a boil.

    My mind would have been eroded if I’d been triangulated & enticed back to him as he tried to do!

    The OW & I have been in contact & she is fully aware of what she has to look forward to!

    I gave her a ‘heads up’, out of my allegiance to the ‘sisterhood’ & she agreed wholeheartedly that I was correct about him so, I had validation.

    Now she has a life of gaming & possibly may end up being a carer for our ‘dirty old man’.

    This does not sit well with me but, this is her journey & it gives me little comfort to know that another will suffer 😦

    I guess as long as he stays with her, he may leave others alone but, I truly doubt that!

    We however are all free & if we ever have to care for another, I for one want it to be someone that has shown genuine real love & compassion for me & vice versa 🙂

    Can you imagine that as the years roll by what the other targets will be faced with.

    If they get sick, I bet the Soc/Narc doesn’t dedicate their life to them 😦

    Keep going & keep No Contact because this is the life you may eventually lead or avoid hopefully.

    I’d rather be alone & happy than face my later years caring for the person that made me miserable & hurt me right down to my very soul 😦

    Think about this if you are tempted to break no contact as, time is precious so, don’t waste a minute longer on those who don’t deserve it.

    Keep the faith & remember, you are FREE! 🙂

    Love & Light 🙂

    PR xoxo

    1. Thanku PR for the inspiration to keep on going, yes it is preferable to be Free, thats the only thing that keeps me going at times & that i watch what i like on Tv now & Dvds, movies. It’s great to have freedom, Cherish your Freedom, folks, as there’s none if u go back to your ex, as they draw you into their web of control, possession again. Whether its months or only weeks later, they’ll do it. I make frequent trips to Melb now, spontaneous. I see more people, socialise more now than i have ever done in the past 1.5yrs! Such a different life than before with him, he wanted to keep me as his prisoner in ivory tower, if we ever got married, it would have got worse, sad to say. Even though he was handsome, charming & funny. His public facade, veneer which quickly comes off. He is not a charismatic sociopath, more a Narcissist I sense.
      I do enjoy the sense of freedom to go out,meet good friends & freedom to mix with people of all faiths, creeds, all walks of life & talk about anything with them, learn more, share experiences, see new things, do things together.
      Keep to No Contact if you can. Or cut off from emails, Fcebook & start fresh. Blessings, love, light 🙂 to all here

      1. Yes, freedom is the reward 🙂
        The Soc/Narc or whatever we got is a great salesman/woman & the greatest conman/women out there.
        The thing is, it’s just a sales pitch & behind that is a faulty article & fake persona.
        ‘You cannot be real without empathy as you must feel to be real.’
        I found this written by a psychologist somewhere?
        In other words, you as an empath can relate to others via your ‘feeling’ their emotions either emphasizing or sympathizing & you do one or the other. The Soc/Narc does not have this ability which is the reason, they can do what they do as we know.
        You will ‘feel’ for them because you are real but, they won’t as it’s just about sex & power for them….keep moving on as freedom & awareness is your gift from this person 🙂

        PR xoxo

  15. thank you for this post and the blog, and for your warmth. You make things smoother, positivagirl. Your site really is life-saving.
    I am trying to concentrate on the present and to deepen my spirituality. I am not religious so it’s hard, but I’m trying. It’s about letting go and relaxing, no more fear, only love, especially for myself.
    A big hug to you and to all of the girls and boys writing and reading here 🙂 you’re inspiring.

    1. Thank you layla. You don’t have to be spiritual to stay with the present. I always found it difficult, until I was left so traumatised, I had no other choice. Tomorrow literally didn’t exist it was just a white space. .. once you get used to it, it does become second nature.

      1. Hi Pos 🙂

        So true & it’s all about perception etc…change your thoughts & perceptions of things & watch how quickly your view changes.
        Think good & feel good automatically, think bad & feel bad & so on & so forth.
        Hard when you are stuck but, it only takes one thought that inspires you to start looking for more, especially good ones 🙂
        It’s amazing how one small gesture or smile can brighten a complete strangers day & maybe even give them hope when it’s needed. 🙂
        You can touch someone’s soul without even realizing it.
        Remember that stranger that smiled at you or that reassuring hand that reached out.
        Some days that’s all it takes to change your perception & head in a different direction in your life 🙂

        Stay Positiva 🙂

        xoxo

  16. I have to share my recent weirdness with my spath. I celebrate NC for over a month and a week now! Despite repeated calls & texts from him *(which I have him blocked) and he sent more “duh, did I step all over your heart again?” emails, which I laughed this time whereas before I took him at his word, that somehow he meant what he said or wrote. After the ‘Valentines Renaissance’ ( as I call it) I finally got it! All about him, little to do with me. It is my mantra, and I’ve grown so strong now and involved with another love interest, that imagine my surprise when somehow this freak, techno-geek, figured out a way to get through the block on my cell a couple days ago!

    In the message he references a pic of a dating app that shows pics of user ( he was saying the one example screen shot was my next door neighbor) and asks me if this is him and doesn’t he have HIV? I was so freaked by the messages that I deleted, but I took a double take because how the hell did he get past block ( mind you he is very good at technology) and a worrisome sneaky pete ( i.e. he used to hide all his computer screens, log-ins, comp. access, cell phone, etc from my supposedly prying eyes and I can’t even see without my glasses much past my arm length!). But the thing is, it would make me feel so shitty that he didn’t trust me, turns out- he was the one that wasn’t trustable!
    DUH

    Anyway, no contact from him since that day after V-R! Luckily, I think he is still involved with his “friend with benefit” ( even though this poor guy thinks he can have a future with this jerk judging from a prominantly displayed card I saw on his mantle), and now that I see him on that social/sex app- it confirms to me that all along I was such a fool to think he was devoted to me. All the above signs and so much else I come to realise were all his shananigans. He has low self-esteem and used to say nobody else would want him ( which is BS, but I believed) and now I think how many other friends with benefits might he had had since the unlucky day I met?

    It’s scary to realise how vulnerable I allowed myself to become with my spath, but rest assured, I will never break NC with the likes of this person again! I feel so lucky to have found Positiva’s site last summer and to be slowly accepting of the fact that I had been duped. But when you throw in emotional pain they cause, and now the prospect of infidelity, it’s a no-brainer! To all of you reading this that can relate, I know it sucks, but it’s time to begin your new life without these people! Be glad you have found this place and begin the process, NOW!

    1. I too am grateful to have found this site. I was having a hard time today. It is frustrating that I still feel like this after all the pain he caused. It is all about the socio!! I also have him blocked but he also finds away to try and toy with my emotions. He showed up twice this week at my place. It was exhausting but I didn’t give in. I refuse to give him control. I figure he will give up since I’m not giving in. I wasted five years on a man that I know now never loved me. It’s a hard thing to accept. It is the truth. I remind myself in order to let go.

      1. Hi Girl On Fire 😃
        I bet your an Alicia Keys fan?
        I was coveted for 10 years & held as a possession like a bird in a gilded cage!
        The reality is, yes we were treated like playthings to satisfy a very pathetic creature whose selfish ego needs constant feeding 😔
        The upside is, we are ‘free’ & wide eyed & still standing in our ‘power’.
        Awareness of this is very liberating & the more you study & learn the more equipped you are to live a full, authentic life 😃
        A lot of people never fully appreciate the experience except to let it destroy them & go the rest of their days wondering what the hell happened to them.
        Reclaim your authentic self, de-programme your mind to rebuild your truth, your boundaries, your core values. Find all this & live a real true life & treat this experience as a gift of awakening. My experience like yours was like walking through the fire & resurrecting myself & truly finding the person I am 😃
        Its all about You from here on, believe that you are wonderful & part of all of us 😃
        Love & light 😃
        PR xoxo

    2. Hi Loop12,

      Celebrate your freedom from this ‘crazy’ person & remember, you are wonderful & yes, vulnerable 🙂

      The thing is that you & most here are not victims but, targets. Your vulnerability was used against you & normal people don’t do that!
      Most people respect your boundaries & openness but, the Spath/Narc see’s only a ‘way in’.
      You just stay NC no matter how tempting it can be to make a connection even to say ‘get lost’, don’t bother as they love the game & any game is ‘fodder’ for them!
      They hate NC as they don’t have control over you & cannot manipulate you as you are ‘gone’ from them & their stupid games.
      Stay you & learn about this personality & never give another one a chance. Be your own ‘fix’ & re-program your brain & your life to be worthy of you 🙂

      ‘Life is to be enjoyed, not endured!’ 🙂 PR 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

  17. Hello All.
    Been a while.
    Still going strong with NC (rounding 9 months).
    Things have been going good with this new start. Although, I am rounding the 5 month mark in my new-ish relationship and I am noticing some things in myself.
    1) A lack of ability to jump in with two feet
    2) I freeze when he tells me how he feels. I do feel the same, but I physically cannot say the words with the same ease I could in the past. And, furthermore I have heard the words before and they have meant nothing
    3) Lack of any motivation at all to deal with any sort of jealousy. Its quite the opposite as you may think. Instead of being jealous and questioning everything, I question nothing and tune it out. And, with that being said. i genuinely don’t believe this guy is capable of a quarter of my Ex S was, but the point is, i legitimately don’t even have the energy for it, so I just don’t. He even commented on it “You aren’t really a jealous person, are you”. If only he saw the drama I was in before.
    4) I close up if things get too emotionally close. I genuinely care for him so much. and I don’t at all want to hurt him. but jumping in with two feet and falling from that again, is something i cannot do yet.
    5) I also close up emotionally if he is preoccupied with hosting his family and friends in town for a few days and we don’t see each other or talk as much. I feel scared that he will abandon me, so I close up.
    6) He told me that he would never cheat on me and it legitimately made me ANGRY. He didn’t understand why. But in that moment, just hearing him say that made me angry to the core. I have heard it before. I told him to please not say that, and to just say he will try his best instead. He was rather confused.
    7) I feel a lot of pain. I didn’t feel it at first. But I do now. and anger. Mostly at myself. for not knowing any better. for putting myself through hell the last 16 months. For potentially screwing things up with the new one. I am just angry that this isn’t fully gone and am losing faith that it ever can be completely.
    8) I don’t know how to chip away at this, with my new love. I care so much about him and he is everything I have asked for. He is everything my ex S was not.
    I know people say “you can’t punish your future relationship because of past experiences…” but thats bullshit. anyone on here knows its bullshit once you have loved and been hurt as badly as we have with the soc. Sorry, but that is just not a realistic response.
    I do still think about my ex s. I am not sure why. More recently than ever, though. I don’t know if I have forgotten all the terrible things he has said or done and am just missing the friendship? I find myself wondering whether he is back with the OW, or anyone else. Of course he is. I know better. I know he can’t do better. But I still find myself wondering. And this also frustrates me. I find myself frustrated that he hasn’t even given a shit to TRY to reach out to me?
    As I said, I am strong with NC.
    But in other aspects, my mental state, my emotional state of my current relationship…it could be better.
    Suggestions, anyone? Thoughts? Feels good to vent again.

    1. @GL

      I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 6 years, and I still have moments where I get “triggered” into “retreat mode”. I just can’t help it, we work through it. I still go to therapy, I read a lot. I didn’t realize what was going on in my life, (about NS) until 3/2013, NS and I separated in 11/2007, so my healing from his torments didn’t truly start until last year. Boyfriend gets it, so he is very patient and says now he understands why a lot of what I do makes sense, (unknown exactly what that means?). Lol. I only know one way to be, which is myself, 24/7. So if you can’t be your self with this person, and tell them the reasons for your hesitation, maybe you should make a list as to why and why not? I love lists, I can see things so much better on paper, once they are out of my head, they don’t look so scary and awful! Congrats on NC, I can’t wait for NC, 7 years, 2 months, my baby will be 18! 🎉

      My favorite little phrase – from “a course in miracles”

      “..the opposite of love is fear,”

      I try to just love and not fear.

      Have a great week!

      NIBSIH 😍!

    2. Hi GL 😃
      I’m still here & going strong 😃
      One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt is, you never get over the experience, you learn to live with it & minimalise it.
      Like the ‘black dog’ for depression, if it starts getting big again then time to regroup & back to therapy 😃
      Welcome back & I am pleased to read you have a new man 😃
      You must not self sabotage as you are prone to do this after the Soc.
      The Soc loves to consume you & ruin your future, don’t let him.
      I know for a fact that the Soc is just replaying the same old ‘soap opera’ life with him cast as the male lead, interchanging the villian/hero role as required! The cast changes but, the plot is the same. How do I know, they all do this & mine contacted me to triangulate me back as the current target had displeased his highness!
      Okay, your new guy deserves a ‘wholeheart’.
      You know the drill so, jump out of the plane but, take your parashute this time & have faith you will have a safe landing.
      Does he lie?
      Is he accountable?
      Is he transparent?
      Does he come & go at odd hours?
      Does he constantly text or take random calls?
      Does he tell you women fall all over him but, you are the chosen one?
      Does he act entitled?
      Does he dominate the conversation or make it all about him?
      Is he jealous & accusing?
      Does he bombard you with calls?
      Does he show off?
      Does he leave you confused?
      Only you can answer these questions so, be honest & be real.
      The Soc rewires our brain so, are you fully de-programmed?
      Stay & vent & together we will jump in & walk through the ‘minefield’ with detectors & vests & preferably not get blown up!
      Love & light 😃
      PR xoxo

      1. PR – Thank you. He is literally a dream.

        I mean, he is still a “guy”, but he is none of those things.

        -He always calls/shows up when he says he will
        -Never receives texts/calls from other females
        -He is trusting and even if he does get insecure, he doesn’t lash out
        -He is thoughtful and caring, doing the little things
        -He is a gentlemen
        -He treats me like a lady, and vise versa
        -He is educated, with a great job and great friends (whom i have met)
        -I have met his parents
        -Has invited me numerous places publicly, and in the future, which to me tells me he intends to keep me around, (ex S never wanted to show me off or take me around)

        I know I still have some things to work through. I believe that we have so much we can work through solo, and then a hand full of things that surface once we are placed in a position to love and trust again. Its HARD.

        I care about him deeply, and its not even as if I have to force my feelings. They are real, and they are there. But I shut down at certain spots and throw on my “independent” mentality up, because I have had the rug pulled out from me so many times with the ex S. When current man gets preoccupied with work or his social life, I freeze up, because he is not all over me 100% of the time.

        I don’t feel ready to talk to him about any of this. He knows I was treated badly in my last relationship but not to the extend nor does he understand the effects it had on me. I am really with the mentality of letting it go and not letting this ex S get another piece of my time, but it his hard when we have learned such tough lessons.

      2. Yay GL 🙂

        I am proud of you for moving forward & letting someone into your life 🙂
        We all have baggage but, do not drag it with you forever, it’s such a waste of time & takes up a lot of room in our heads & hearts & souls.
        Read all you can about mind-control, I will post a link but, I am at work & cannot find it!?!
        I will 🙂
        Your past relationship has nothing to do with your future, it is not your story, just a chapter (a long chapter) but, just a chapter full of lessons.
        You have learnt the difference between real & fake & you have learnt that a ‘wholeheart’ must enter a relationship even if it’s a ‘patched up’ heart 🙂
        Remember, your Spath was playing a silly game with your head/heart etc…just a game for their ego 😦
        This new guy is real so, keep doing the internal work on you & remember, no one is perfect 😉
        I see friends all the time in relationships that aren’t ‘perfect’ but, appear happy?
        The ‘balance of power’ must be equal & this is hard.
        Never accept the unacceptable, never compromise your core beliefs, never ever stay in a relationship that does not honor you as an individual.
        Walk away if it’s not right for you & remember Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, home is within you always & you’ve always had the power & didn’t know it! You do now 🙂
        So, off you trot with Toto down the yellow brick road of life & remember to take your brain, your heart & above all else, your courage 🙂
        Life is what you perceive it to be, you always have a choice & it’s either go or stay or yeas or no, no maybes.
        Strength is saying NO to being treated badly & leaving the situation.
        Finally, life is meant to be enjoyed not endured so, be happy & keep up the excellent work on yourself 🙂
        He sounds like a good guy so, be a good girl & don’t let the ghost of the past spoil your future, let it go 🙂

        Love Always 🙂
        PR xoxo

      3. Phoenix and all, thanks so much for this latest banter, it really helps to see these inner feelings are shared by so many, and Phoenix’ bullet list today is so “right on” to what I am going through and GL. GL’s situation made me think HARD about where I am going with my new love interest. So I can’t use Phoenix’s list quite yet as my guy is stuck sorting thru financials in London ( been there over a month- and we still haven’t met). It’s been surreal to go through the slow motion of getting to know him all the while on brief phone calls, texts and (rarely) emails! But what I get from him is that he is ready to jump both feet into this. I am too. I got on match and we met within a few weeks. I went on a date, exchanged some emails with others, but when this one showed up, I was mesmorized from very beginning. He’s kind, thoughtful, is bright and fortunate, etc.etc. But is he REAL? I was feeling a bit down Friday because he extended his trip again. I know he’s busy dealing with affairs, but it was making me mad to have gotten that bizarre text from my ex and not hearing much from my newbie.

        Luckily, he must’ve picked up on that, and he called me Sat. afternoon while I was at an old nursery I hadn’t been to in long time, out amongst the blooming plants and the warm sunshine- it was magical! I so love to talk to him. And so this brings me to where I am now with what happens if when he gets back and we don’t like each other? What if there’s no chemistry. Or say we do like each other but find each other’s habits strange. Bad breath and poor hygiene or messy flat? LOL- you know, I am worrying about all the BS in life! But what GL brings up now in my mind is that she seem’s to have found Mr. Wonderful, and yet struggles with all those bombs going off in her mind. I worry that I might be the same?

        God, I don’t want to sabatoge this situation. I’ve thought how, when that special day comes and I meet him, I can play it extra cool and just shut the “F” up! Just gaze into his beautiful eyes and listen. When he called the other day I realised that I was cutting him off ( but, to be fair, long distance was causing a delay in transmission) but I was so ding dong excited. And, I DID go into a little about my psycho ex getting thru on blocked text and how weird his message was. I then told him that not to worry, I would not harp on and on about my ex, but just thought that he should know that I AM a wounded bird and that I discovered this place and had learned so much! He just listened and then said that he’s had some experiences too. I don’t know, I just told him I have “been around the block” and had heard of these psychos but never personally involved like this. He seemed to understand.

        We quickly changed gears and talked about positive things. One of the great lessons I learned with my ex is I could indeed change the course of conversations ( rememeber all those land mines we used to have to avoid when dealing with the spath?!). So, I infused humor, the beauty of the day and being at my old nursery and how the old guy there gives me discount, etc! He seemed to delight in my positiveness.
        I think that’s the important thing to remember. We can alter what we say to keep things light as I am sure GL uses a bunch in the sales world! I worked sales too, a big chunk of my life, and so I know the strategy! I worked so hard when I was with my ex to try to keep it positive as he was such a drag, always complaining ( I started to listen more to what I was saying also). I used to try to gently coax him to be more up beat but then he would try to say I was the one always complaining- which was BS because now I was PAYING ATTENTION.
        God I don’t miss that- the land mines, the walking on egg shells, the constant having to not piss them off or say something wrong! It wasn’t worth it, but at least I can look back and learn!

        Well, just wanted to jump in again and acknowledge the timeliness
        ( as usual) of these threads. Phoenix, BTW, I am Edaldude, but when I joined WordPress about a month ago and got my icon established
        ( no one commented, but ain’t it neat? It’s a symbol I copied from a site about the Masons- which I think they use or did use in their ‘club’). I liked the colors and neat pictographs within the symbolism of the cross. I give the artist due credit, as I have “owned” this symbol in many other website’s that use the WordPress connection! Anyway,
        Peace and Light to ALL
        Edaldude

      4. I knew it was you Edalude 🙂

        This is my warning to you, beware being all ‘nice & light’ as I did this constantly with my Soc as I didn’t want to appear damaged or fragile etc…just be yourself ‘warts & all’ & if this guy is genuine you will soon know.
        Enjoy the thrill but, take your lessons you’ve learnt & always carry your shield, sword & Armour & Amore’ as these are valuable tools, stay in your own power but, guard your heart until you are 100% that he isn’t another ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’.
        OMG! I hope he’s got good personal hygeine 😉
        Listerine, take it in your bag! LOL

        Love & continued light 🙂
        PR xoxo

    3. Forgive the bluntness, but it just doesn’t sound like you’re ready for a relationship. Your present is still riballed with elements of your past. You do have to confront these and even forgive them to appreciate that someone else you meet isn’t going to be the same. Personally, I don’t know why you’d want to give yourself the emotional rollcoaster in the condition you’re in. Why wouldn’t you give yourself (and him) a break and say, “I really like spending time with you. Not sure I’m ready for something serious but, if you’re okay with a relaxed friendship, I’m there.” Takes pressure off both of you and doesn’t forfeit your opportunity to grow–or punish him.

      1. Forgive the bluntness in return. I can appreciate that you have put a lot of thought into why I need to give him (and myself) a break and shift into friendship mode. However, I know what I want out of life, and I a loving, trusting, partner in crime is just that . I want, and deserve, that soul connection, and I have found it in him. I think there is a certain amount of healing that can be done solo, which I have done for the first few months, and a certain amount of healing that then surfaces once you are faced with being in a relationship again. Sorry, but you’re kidding yourself if anyone thinks you can work through an A-Z list of healing on paper, therapy or in a book and think it all translates over to practice without a hitch. I’ve done a lot of growing. I have spent a lot of time with myself. I moved across the country by myself. That offers up a lot of time to heal, process and piece my life together back the way I want it.

        Although, maybe this is what I needed to hear, after all.
        I am not some wounded bird or damaged goods who doesn’t know her own worth. I have a lot to offer someone. I am not willing to give up everything I have wanted in a potential partner because I still think about the pain I have felt in the past. And with that, I think I found my answer!

        Onward

      2. Never said you were damaged goods who didn’t know her own worth (defensive much?) Merely suggested you give a little space instead of killing the guy (or the innocent bystander who tries to speak to you). Onward indeed.

      3. @GL

        I feel similar to Jusagirl, I just didn’t know how to write it in a way you wouldn’t be offended. It has nothing to do with you not being ready for a relationship, or being “to messed up” or “there is something wrong with “YOU” ((my personal fav,😡)). I just feel from what you have written in your first post, you may not be ready to drop you first line of defense down, yet. Which is fine, when I am “triggered” and I feel an attack coming, my walls come up in 10 seconds, I am ready for battle in 35 seconds, fully armed. It’s very scary to me, my boyfriend is like, “you don’t have to fight me”, (and he laughs, he’s 6’4, I am 5ft), we’ve been together for over 6 years, (it’s not funny to me, but I guess if your a foot and a half taller than someone else, I could see humor😐?). But if your open to talk about it to the other person, then the fears and the walls break down, provided your confident this person isn’t the same, (NS). No one is doubting you deserve great people in your life, or what your ready for. It’s helping you go about achieving what you want, we are all here for each other, we all want the same thing, for ourselves and each other.

        HAPPINESS, LOVE and PEACE.

        Have a great week.

        NIBSIH 😘

    4. Hey gl nice to see you here. I think that it is common to feel ‘numb’ after an abusive relationship. When words have been used to capture you and own you, it is therefore normal to not listen to words.

      Saying not everyone is the same is pointless too. As this is about you. What you are doing is taking care of you. It’s fear that you are not being how you should be with this new guy. Although not quite so new right now. This is all perceptions. I hope you can explain to him. That once you gave trust without thought. And that trust was abused. When your trust has been manipulated and abused, it can be difficult to trust someone else. How can you give 100%; I think it’s self preservation to keep back a part of you, for you. One day, when or if it is right it will come.

      It sounds as if, right now, you are at the right space for you. Perhaps be honest with him, that because of what you have been through it is difficult to give 100% of yourself you are just taking care of yourself.

      1. Thank you..I’m trying but suppose I should still be patient with myself. He told me he loved me last week and it’s like I couldn’t say the words, and not because I don’t feel it or am trying to convince myself that I do. I genuinely do feel so much for him, which is a refresher after NOT feeling for the last 9 months. But I also want to express it when I am ready. We have not discussed past relationships, except for the time I got a blocked call with someone saying they would come find me and kill me. Due to the nature of the call and my gut telling me I knew who it was, I told him and we talked about it. He knows bits and pieces, I just don’t want him (or I guess anyone apparently from my last responses) to see me as damaged goods or broken. I hate that someone else can have that effect on me and I want to be the powerful woman I know I am.

        I have not had someone evaluate me for PTSD or trauma. It’s strange though because for the first 3-6 months I felt nothing and then this past weekend I stumbled upon his name and a picture of him for literally the first time in 9 months and felt immense pain. It all came back.

        I don’t know if something like this ever goes away. Or if it’s something we learn to live with and through.

      2. @gl

        I understand your feelings and 7 years later still have them. They do become less magnified and it takes more for them to be triggered, but still there. It’s just a process of working through them.

        NIBSIH.

      3. Love you NIBSIH 🙂

        Keep up the good work & minimize your Soc as the small little man he is!
        I really hate the fact that you are still attached via the children but, that is how these fools roll.
        Some of us got off lighter & can ‘break’ away & not let them back in.
        You however are a shining example of hope, strength & love 🙂
        Shine on 🙂
        PR xoxo

      4. The “small man” I am referencing to is the NS’s very tiny yet expensive attorney. The joy I have, at this juncture, is NS is being charged by Tiny Man, to speak to me and speak to NS, @ $450 a hour I make sure to speak very slow and carefully. 😝! Usually, I am not so vindictive, I am tired of NS, emailing, harassing me, etc, he has had me so upset since 9/2013. I was crying in my bathroom, absolutely ridiculous!! This is not me, I have your email PR, I will sit down and send you a long one. Which is why I was gone for a while, had to regroup, I was reading, not commenting, I didn’t feel I was healthy and in a positive space, but I needed to still read and keep up with everyone. It was my dad who snapped me out of it, I left it on my post to Broken, yesterday. And PR, I am stuck with his foolishness forever, if and how I choose to let his foolishness effect me, well this is completely up to me, and as of right now I choose NOT!

        NIBSIH!

      5. Hi bella Nibsih 😃
        I meant you shoul minimalise your NS like a 2year old 😁
        As they act like spoilt brats, treat him like a child, he is you know 😃
        As you can’t go NC then just go NO to anything he says or does that is hurting or offending you.
        No will eventually set the boundary that you desire.
        Contact only via attorney & email shoul be to the point & nothing more than business.
        Don’t let this fool play with your wonderful soul, its yours & he is ‘spiritless’, he has based his whole life on being a selfish child so, treat him as one!
        No more tears, no more psychological abuse, no more games, NO!
        Be beautiful & keep being you, your a gift, not a possession!
        Your gift to give but, not to him!
        Love PR xoxo

      6. @PR

        I know, and he is super angry he is unable to throw me in his harem, but every once in a while, there is a “trigger” mine happen to be the children. It was our judgement 9/2013. I felt betrayed by the children, my attorney, then NS went on his smear campaign with his concubines, child support people, child protection people, police department, school administration. It was so deep, I just lost it to the very core of my existence, almost non functioning. As broken and I discussed, you have to identify what those are and take precautions to see those things coming. Thus not falling off the mountain. Or as my dad puts it staying on my throne. (He’s so not funny at times, but it worked, I am almost 40 and his stupid princess analogies still work, crinkled face). What really upset me, was how despaired I was, and how elevated I became at the thought of having to deal with NS. Literally one email would turn into 38 or 42. Just ridiculous. It’s a lot easier to see the issues coming at me for afar then in the Frey. I can seperate them easier. I feel like my normal self again. Thank god

        NIBSIH.

      7. Gosh Nibsih you have been through a rough time 😔
        I have seen my NS still use his adult children against his ex-wife & he is so subtle & controlling & manipulating that, i doubt these kids have an independant thought between them.
        The children of NS are very tragic victims & are groomed & rewarded & stunted unless they realise this, they perpetuate it throughout their lives 😔
        I will find article on NS kids that was really interesting & may give you further ammo to keep your awareness up.
        You are a warrior & protector, never doubt that you have angels on your side & your Dad sounds like an earth angel & wise man indeed 😃
        Love PR xoxo

      8. Hiya Nibsih 😃
        I’m not sure if i told you this but, 6 weeks prior to meeting my NS, my husband of 19 years up & left us with a friend & our business receptionsist. He was bi-polar ( my opinion) & gave me a hell of a run for my money!
        I lost my house, car, business & had to sell car ( enter NS) & house & relocate miles away from all our friends. I commuted between my job & two schools for many years & literally never stopped!
        My ex wanted money so, did not pay child support & still doesnt, 10 years later! He works for himself & doesnt lodge tax returns so, i cannot touch him! He told me if I reported him to tax, he would go to jail rather than give me a cent 😦
        So, i have had to ‘suck it up’ so, that my children weren’t affected. My Mum & Dad (dec) helped me survive & i can never ever repay them. My only way to repay them is to ‘be there’ for them when they need me 😃
        I miss my Dad but, saw a medium recently & he came through & said things only he & I knew 😃
        He was proud of me & thanked me & told me, i tried very hard in my marriage but, that my ex was not good & wore me down but, I was never to blame!
        Stay close to your Dad, he’s got your back as my Dad always had mine 😃
        Be strong & don’t let NS ruin your self image, in my eyes, you are amazing 😃
        Love PR xoxo

      9. Aww thank you NS – it’s 6:26am here my daughter just called to “make sure I am on my way”. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. My dad is super awesome! I think a lot of “this” waving arm around has a lot to do with my mother she’s a lot NS – going to get kiddies – it’s a rain storm

        Have a great day everyone

        NIBSIH.

    5. Your reactions are also similar to trauma reactions, freezing, feeling emotionally numb, being closed off, being triggered (him saying he would never cheat and you becoming angry), have you ever had any kind of trauma therapy or looked into ptsd?

      It nice to hear from you and that you are doing ok (ish)

  18. Starting off a comment by saying “Sorry for being blunt, but..” doesn’t give you a free pass to say whatever you want to say, how you want to say it without recourse.

    But hey, If thats your communication style, own it. At least expect to receive what you put out there…but lets not don’t cop out by calling people defensive, when thats exactly the response that would be elicited by something like that, regardless of who said it. Theres ways to communicate without being offensive or putting people on the defense. I do it for a living in sales. Although I get your point, and would like to think you mean well, there are alternate ways to connect and communicate with people, assuming that was your ultimate goal.

    1. Actually, how something is received depends on the person. It’s always harder to receive the truth if you’re trying to protect fallacies in your own thinking. I didn’t know a better way to tell you you were basically wrong with your approach, although it looks like you will come to that conclusion eventually if you persist in this path. I guess I could add smilies… 🙂 🙂

      And, as a point of clarification and rebuttal to your assumption, I wasn’t telling you to literally shift to a “friend approach” with the guy, I was really just pointing out how you’re viewing this as such a serious situation, and so soon (months are nothing in the grand scheme of things). Why can you not look at it as a chance to get to know someone new, establish connection, and build on that. When you apply expectations or timelines (boyfriend, husband, future partner) to any relationship, it clouds your judgement. It’s just an assumption on my part, but I can only guess that you’ve already jumped into sexual intimacy with the new guy and now feel the need to legitimize the situation into something, and you’re confused by that.

      With the kinds of comments you are making, to be ready for something serious, you really wouldn’t want to be in a place where you’re skeptical of a decent guy’s motives; you really should see the clear difference and be relieved, if you were healed enough to be past the past.

      And I’m not trying to sell you anything so kid-gloves tactics wouldn’t necessarily apply here. But hey, the response from you definitely opened up my eyes to your real positioning. The first post may’ve been all vulnerable sounding, but you clearly are going to do what you want to do. No reason to pretend otherwise or that you’re open to more than validation of your own decisions. Some people can’t really be told anything. Good to know; I’ll leave you to yourself.

      1. Hiya Jusa 🙂

        Lots of smiles 🙂 🙂 🙂
        Sometimes we must look at our own projections & motivations when we respond to another & so on & so forth 🙂
        I think GL was just venting her insecurities/doubts & came here as a ‘safe haven’ among like minded friends but, does not need anything other than support regardless of how she proceeds.
        Remember, we are all individuals with very different experiences & you have always been a great support & voice or reason 🙂
        You are an amazing lady & very succinct & sometimes a little tact wouldn’t go astray 😉
        Be gentle with yourself & others as I know you to be a very beautiful person & we all sometimes get ‘read’ literally & I know that you were just being protective of GL & that is a lovely part of you.:)
        It is however, her choice & her heart on the line so, send her love as she will return it too you 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. I’m sorry you found me tactless, PR. Sometimes, truth comes in different packages—especially when traditional methods aren’t getting through. Such as, “Your past relationship has nothing to do with your future, it is not your story, just a chapter (a long chapter) but, just a chapter full of lessons,” I might simply put as, “Wouldn’t it be better to figure out trusting your own judgment again before trying to trust another?”

        Would it surprise you to learn that was me biting my tongue? Seriously, I could be a lot more blunt—even than this above about this particular situation (flags throughout). It isn’t like Positiva hasn’t created multiple posts on not getting involved in a new relationship before you’ve fixed self. Even GL herself is validating her approach is wrong (unknowingly) by asking, “Does this get better or is it just something you have to learn to deal with?” Shouldn’t she know the answer to that question? I sure wouldn’t want to be the woman on the receiving end of a guy carrying this level of “baggage” into our new relationship.

        As for projections, I am doing great. I’m not looking to fulfill myself with anyone else, and I’m not looking for the soc either. Because I’m more ready now for being in a relationship, I may be more thinking about what is on the other side. Sometimes, love is tough. I have focused on my hard work and took my lessons, however delivered, without involving innocents. GL wants to be the “strong woman” she knows she is. But, to your point, she is voicing some pretty deep insecurities (she can’t tell a guy who has fallen for her she loves him) that seem to be screaming, wait! You may not like me saying anyone on this site can be wrong, but comfortable or not, it is still loving someone, and the others beyond this limited space as well.

        Again, apologies if I didn’t abide by the customarily-preferred soft touch, but it’s my theory, however, when the feather stroke isn’t working, maybe a broad-tip brush would suffice better?
        Your tactless friend.

      3. Hiya my friend Jusa 🙂

        Point taken & I guess when GL put it out there & people were honest in their ‘take on’ what she wrote.
        I know you are a very strong lady & forthright may be a better word instead of tact.
        Jusa, I know that you come from a loving place & I was sorry to see your honesty flipped back too you.
        At the end of the day though, we are here for each other but, walk alone in our ‘reality’.

        I always love your stuff & I prefer the ‘soft touch’ as, over a post there is no emotion or intonation so, it comes across ‘harsher’ if I don’t.
        We are fragile sometimes so, best to tread carefully me thinks 😉
        Saying it as you ‘see it’ is good but, ultimately we must learn that we must take it as well & our journey is our own.
        We must be ‘mindful’ of another’s fragility when they ‘tell us’ their deepest thoughts.

        Your a really passionate & compassionate soul so, let’s not waste time on this, we have our ‘inner voice’ to listen & hear.
        Trust in your journey & let others trust in theirs 🙂
        Yep, ‘feather touching’ 😉 😉

        Love & Light Always 🙂
        PR xoxo

      4. @jusagirl

        I don’t think your tactless, people forget, would your rather be slapped by a friend, or kissed by a foe? I prefer the slap, personally. It’s also written correspondence, not like we are having coffee face to face, everything is subject to interpretation.

        NIBSIH 😘

      5. I’d love a face to face over coffee with you & Jusa 🙂
        I changed tact to forthright 😉

        Desiderata is my poem & my life so, I go placidly 🙂

        Desiderata
        Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
        As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
        Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
        Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
        If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
        for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

        Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
        Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
        Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
        But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
        and everywhere life is full of heroism.

        Be yourself.
        Especially, do not feign affection.
        Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

        Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
        Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
        Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

        You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
        you have a right to be here.
        And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

        Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
        and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
        With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

        © Max Ehrmann 1927

      6. Smee again,

        Not saying she loves him back, meant to me that she doesn’t want her vulnerability on full show just yet?
        Love is tough but, it is also blind & as time does tell & you will find your time & your love I am certain (feathers again 😉

        OMG! “What’s love got to do with it”, is playing! My Soc’s favorite song!!!

        This song always comes on when I think of you?

        Lul PR xoxo

  19. Wow Phoenix- you taking the time to write out Desiderata made me read it and soak it in ( as opposed to just watching the video, which I shared with all manner of email friends, only a few “cool” people actually commented back). But thanks for your advice, and don’t worry! With all the readings from this and some other self-help I’ve done in the course of my 5year soap opera, I will prevail!

    Got a sweeeeet text from NewGuy 2014, LOL- he was sending his usual checking up on me, making sure I was having a good day and had eaten! It’s so damn sweet to have someone even care every day what I am doing! I don’t care if he comes back and has yellow teeth and garlic breath! LOL

    Jusa & GL, to infuse some much needed humor ( cuz I can relate to both of where y’all come from) check out the response I got from one of my ol’ hippie gal pals:

    I thought it sounded like a long-forgotten movie called “Candy”, circa 1969. Ahh those were the days! But I think the same guy did the voice for this and it’s in the movie ( not entirely sure about that). But if you happen to get a chance, check it out! It cracks me up now more then ever hearing the CORRECT version. But in a way has it’s same value to this crazy world we all share!

    Peace deal ladies!

  20. Postiva girl-Wow! This is so true. I am in an intensive day therapy program right now and one of the many skills we learn is “staying in the moment” or mindfulness is another term for it. You put it perfectly and very well said. In fact before I read your blog or post I was breaking down and a complete mess. I had a hearing today for a restraining order against him and things didn’t go quite as planned. After my testimony and some questioning by the judge, the case was dismissed, however, the judge also made it clear that no contact is to be made by either party or a restraining order could be in fact granted by the courts. I guess it was some what of a win in some respects, but seeing him again, even though I was trying not to look at him brought up a whirl wind of emotions of both good times and bad. But once again you are right, tomorrow is a blank piece of paper….no contact is key and that it is…have had no contact since the Temporary RO was in place on Thursday the 20th. Just trying to continue the healing process from this sociopath for myself and my two boys. Hope to hear your reply or others too:) Peace.

    1. Hi Healing heart, welcome to the site. I would imagine that being in court, would bring up a lot for you. And if the relationship with him was traumatic, as I would presume it was if there was violence from him, this could also trigger old trauma. Having to go through everything again. try to take one day at a time. As that is all that we have. It is so much easier to manage right now, than it is to plan out the rest of our lives. It won’t seem such an uphill struggle. Keep going, it sounds as if you are moving in the right direction. Is he the father of your children, will there be access?

  21. Hello Pos, Phoenix and everyone. I took all of March to recollect my thoughts, spath got an 18 month sentence, he calls from jail but do not accept. No contact, that’s how you start healing. I feel so much better now, I have become alot stronger and don’t think of him as much as I used to. I started therapy last week with a therapist who understands sociopathy, she is kind and caring and is a good listener, my anxiety is kept at bay with celexa, had to go up 20 milligrams though so that’s 40. But that’s ok, I felt so much relief after our visit. Wow he screwed me so bad, I hate him… Anyhoo just wanted to say hello, and I’m back on again a nice familiar place where people are caring and understanding.. Today is my daughters 20th birthday, her party is tonight from 8:00 till 1:00.. Talk to everyone real soon and I color alot now, its kind of healing. Peace and love 😌

    1. Hiya B 🙂

      I am so proud of you for going to therapy & doing whatever has to be done to help you heal 🙂
      It’s a very damaging experience on so many levels & after the ‘road trip’ I took through my life, it was inevitable that I was a person that has my kindness & compassion abused as, I would say we all have.
      My Grandfather always said that ‘some people see kindness as weakness & will use you against yourself’.
      An early warning that I failed to take heed of. I still intend to remain kind but, not weak & you must do the same.
      The Soc/Narc ‘targets’ us, we are not victims as such. It’s all calculated & they see us coming & they recognize past abuse victims apparently?
      In other words, being empathic makes us all ‘targets’ & no-one is immune. You just have to be very aware of them & know yourself & never let anyone cross your boundaries, not even in the name of ‘love’.
      Love is what makes us so very vulnerable & once they have your love, they use that & make you suffer. They are selfish & self serving & vile.
      You did nothing but, be real & genuine & that’s a great & wonderful way to be.
      Just keep focused on repairing & rebuilding yourself back. Love yourself like you want to be loved & you’ll realize you don’t need anyone to validate you & then your free to live & love happily ever after 🙂
      Enjoy your daughters 18th & don’t let your Soc ruin your joy in watching your baby have a Happy Birthday. Just think back to how happy you were when you had her, the unconditional love & let it wrap around your whole being & remind your heart of it’s truth. Love is your ‘power’.

      Be happy & wholehearted & stay mindful & present 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Ok had to take a minute to respond to u pos yes it does feel empowering that he’s locked up, he has the balls to call, I ignore him. Mom always told me silence is golden, that’s so true. Thank you for replying tallk to you tomorrow. Peace an love 😊

  22. MORE CLOSURE

    Hi all,
    I did a background check on my ex. Come to find out he NEVER lived visiting him for the one YEAR together. Do you see how clever they are? The addresses that did show up in the report could have a wife and kids living there for all I know.

    He’s been homeless, living in his car a few weeks, pretending he got kicked out of his fake apartment. Guess what? His REAL place is in FORECLOSURE. I never knew about him having a house. The apartment was a basement half empty. I feel more closure KNOWING ANOTHER FACT about his lies. Glad I bought the report! 🙂

    1. Aww Bunny ;(

      Mine sold his townhouse & moved in with the OW!
      He told me he was living with his sister after his Mother’s death as his sister was depressed (any wonder having a Soc/Narc sibling).
      He & his sister lived in his mothers house but, he didn’t.
      They even had me to dinner & once I left probably he did to!!!

      Lol, mine rang in Jan,to tell me he was living with the OW but, still had his stuff at his Mum’s & in his factory….who cares…he rang me 10 months after discard to tell me this among other things!!!
      He tried to triangulate me against the OW but, I was prepared & ‘blew’ him away & I was nice about it 🙂
      No point lowering myself to his level & I am not the nasty malevolent one, i leave that to him. Pathological lying is his game not mine!
      He’s probably still sitting with his mouth open in shock! 😉
      Bye bye Soc, onwards & upwards for me & you Bunny 🙂

      PR xoxo

  23. Just now reading this. Perfect as usual. Nobody but nobody understands the devastation a socio/psycho-path brings to one’s life, body and soul except for those who have been there.

    I have lost everything you’ve listed, but I also lost my health too. Each day is a struggle not knowing where to go from here, having trouble believing this has really happened, I’ve lost everything. I had to sign up for a free food bank yesterday because my poverty is that bad, I had a respectable career when socio/psycho married me. I try to find help and support locally, but no one seems to get it. Not even the professionals.

    Then I remembered how helpful your website is, and I came here for the first time in a while. And I find real, good, genuinely helpful advice. You understand the desolation and confusion of a completely destroyed life, with no support system and no future (it seems), and you knew what would help someone get through the minute by minute of each, now often pointless, day.

    Thank you. This really helped me.

    1. Mindy ,

      Keep on going , I know its hard , somehow you have to focus on the fact that you are still alive and dredge deep inside your soul for some bit of strength that drags you through to the other side .

      Easier said than done I know , believe me I know .I wish you all the best in your fight , do not let your sp beat you , please .

      Regards

      Nick

  24. I will focus on the bellow today as it is so perfect, it might bring me the strength to do no contact. Thank you.

    You cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it. The sociopath will, can and does hijack your thoughts… and your life.

  25. I just seen the video, very interesting, I thought Zain was good looking, the little girl was do full of herself, but that’s momsfault. That poor guy at his engagement party, he must have been so embarrassed in front of his fiance, my spath and his dad are like that too, which is why anywhere I went I never brought him with me. They are horrible beings .well his fiance will stay clear of his grandparents I rest assure. Dr. Phils show that woman is. a pig, 7 abortions. What a piece of work she is, disgraceful. 😆Peace and love

  26. Just want to take a minute and send you a huge thank you for this site, and for everyone’s input. Honestly, I don’t think I would have survived the last two weeks without the amazing support of my wonderful friends, and this site.

    I am just one week out from saying “see ya” to my sociopath boyfriend. Still reeling from the shock, still trying to come to terms with the harsh reality..that the man I fell in love with does not exist. When his lies, deceit, and fabrications began to unravel two weeks ago I was stuck trying to make sense of the situation, until a good friend of mine, who was totally up to date with the ins and outs of my relationship with him, mentioned the word ‘sociopath’. She is a clinical therapist with a lot of experience dealing with troubled people, so I listened and researched. It was the hardest thing to do…to read website after website…criteria after criteria…reality after reality of who my now ex really is. I’m going down lists and lists of sociopath behaviours, and realizing he exhibits nearly every single one, and it all makes sense now. The grandiose claims, the outwardly charming personality, flowery vocabulary, the gaslighting (oh how he is a master at that), the unbelievable lies, the lack of any genuine meaningful relationships outside of ours (not that ours was genuine either). The conning, the manipulation, the inability to take responsibility for anything, even when faced with tangible proof of his cheating he was still desperately coming up with excuses to explain (absolutely ridiculous excuses at that).

    I have read your website in and out…about 5 times over 🙂 and I can honestly identify with almost everything here. And I have taken your advice….ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. Its tough when he sends a text one minute that says he has never been in love with anyone like this before, and then sending nasty, sarcastic emails telling me I am damaged goods and in need of psychological help (complete with a link to a psychology today website that he thinks will help me). I realize all of this is part of his strategy to break me down, however I’m on to him, and its not going down that way. I also realize that it is a purposeful tactic to leave behind his belongings at my house so that he can continue to have some excuse to contact me. Again, I’m on to him..I have blocked his number and have not replied to any of his emails. Not that this is easy…far from it…its difficult, every now and then I find myself wanting to reach out to him, but I realize that I’m thinking only of the man I thought I knew, and not the reality of who he is, which is nothing more than a shell of a human being.

    I also realize that I am one of the lucky ones…he and I were only together for 6 months, and only lived together for 1 month until things began to unravel for him. I haven’t lost friends (although with 20:20 I can see he was starting to put things in motion to isolate me from them), I haven’t been conned out of any money (although again, I can see how that was on the horizon..within a matter of weeks he went from professing to have a company that was on its way to making millions, to having a company that he is in survival mode with and scrambling to save). I feel for those of you who have lost so much more than I have..this has probably been one of the most mentally draining situations I have ever faced, so I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for those who have lost so much more than I have. My heart goes out to those of you in a much more difficult situation than I.

    So, with all that said. Thank you for this valuable resource, thank you for all the wonderful information, thank you for the words of support, thank you for being instrumental in my being able to make sense of the situation I am faced with. Thank you, Thank you!!

  27. I don’t understand how the male or female would be like as a parent!? How do kids live without love? Does the Sociopath have to pretend they care and love the kids?

    1. Wow Angelarun2001
      . A healthy relationship can help you get over the spath, although the relationship wont always have u on ur toes, being we have adapted to drama, but none the less it would be better for u to let this 2nd one go, you are going to do damage to yourself, but at least u were honest, and I applaud that. Just b careful, I don’t understand why u wanna go thru that shit again, and who’s going to help u get over this spath, cause u know that’s comin, take some me time for yourself, don’t do this to yourself again. Love and peace 😒

      1. hey bewildered

        thanks for the reply, and I appreciate your concern.

        believe me when I say this, I have come across numerous normal men after ex-path, and none have taken my fancy expect the new sociopath.

        but that does not mean that I’m not aware what this new psycho is capable of doing to me! i am aware of all his lies and deception. i don’t let him dominate me, fool me….i only enjoy the fact that he has helped me get over my last one. and i am not going to let this new creep hurt me like the last one did….he cannot because thanks to this blog and other blogs on sociopathy/psychopathy, I’m well aware what these men/women are capable of.

        and ultimately i will and do intend on settling down with a normal person. so I’m just using this psychopath to get over my last one.

    2. Angelarun2001
      . A healthy relationship will help u get over the spath Angela, why do u feel u need to go with another? I don’t understand the logic, you r going to damage your mental state pretty bad if u hang on to these losers, and who’s going to help u get over this spath, another one. Take time out to smell the roses Angela and don’t jump into this bullshit again, and this is not even a real relationship, its an illusion.. Ok God Bless and good luck.. Peace and love. 😞

      1. No, I think I know where angelarun2001 is implying! My GOD I know Positiva even got a chuckle from this post, as I did. Let me explain: The 2 month overseas chats/phone calls by my new love interest I met on internet dating site and was quite recently bragging about, has come to a spectacular END. Thought I would use this thread to update!

        Yeah, he texted me last week to ask if I could go on Yahoo chat to ‘talk about something important”, I immediatly sensed dread but agreed to get right on. Turns out, him using the trip from Texas to Britain, due to his father’s death, and going from 10 days to now a month and a half was just a big hoax or scam. He asks me if I could loan him $1500 Pounds ( was confused in dollars at first, hoping that meant half!) but I balked at his request for $3500 and dumping this on me and the suddeness and casualness. I intitially wanted to do it, despite all my smarts, but suggested we sleep on it, looking for a way out, a way to collect my thoughts as this sounded bad, bad bad.
        I consulted with Positiva and she and I looked over the documents he made such a big deal to send me ( they looked legit, but really? You ask someone you never even met for such a wad?). In the end, it didn’t prove anything, and get this! He started to use the passive aggressive put downs to intimidate i.e. “I need you to act like a man not a child, and help me” or “I will not humiliate myself to do the tasks you ask me to do to prove this since you don’t TRUST me!” I was like “Oh HELL no”, you don’t realise where I’ve come from, chump! But, I played him a while after he went silent on text. He didn’t have anything to say, he is another sociopath. He flubbed up by telling me he had sold his late model car before he left to take care of his dad’s estate! I was like, dude, you go thru atleast 10 Grand in a little over a month in London? NO way- fishy, fishy, fishy. I think he is just in some remote locale and the whole thing was fabricated.
        Like a stupid movie I was sharing with my sis today! She said she still can’t believe someone can do this to another, esp. knowing my recently deceased beloved mom, my loss of two loved kitties. And the shit I went thru with my ex-spath I shared only in small doses so as not to turn off a potential mate, blah blah.

        I sent him an email yesterday. In it I told him what a sorry “F” he was and how could he do this to me. But I am one HELL of a strong person now, and you actually helped me to buy time to forget about the monster that is my ex! And I thanked him, I thanked him for the whole fantasy, almost 2 months. Almost that long with NC with A-hole, too! And I am so happy about that, and proud. Because this time I know I can stick to it ( the though of him actually makes me sick, but I still dream about him, he’s a shit even there! And I mention him to others in casual remarks! NOTE TO SELF- Quit bringing him up already! LOL Anyway, no need to dwell, but I did say I was sorry for his dad’s death, and from fellow human to another, I am sorry. What else to say? All I know is this site, you people reading this, you helped me in immeasurable way. So lucky I found this place. Thankyou for being there- wherever YOU are!

        Edaldude

      2. Oh Eda 😦

        So sorry to hear that but, PHEW! Girlfiend at least you were on the ‘ball’ & figured it out!
        You should be proud of yourself & I know it’s disappointing but, it does tell you something.
        You need to go back to loving yourself as these ‘fools’ love to attach themselves to people that have suffered great loss.
        They are drawn to it because, they know your are vulnerable because, of these losses. 😦
        I think as we get older, we need to remain mindful of ‘online lovers’ & others as, they usually ‘target’ us as we may have more to give, financially & emotionally.
        We have more life experience & money usually or at least an asset like our own home etc…let’s face it, we’ve been ‘around the block!’
        Although, I pretend to call it ‘driven round the bend!’ 😉

        Just keep focusing in on your own well-being & put this behind you.
        Keep loving yourself & stay strong 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxox

  28. After 6 months my SP ex bf and I saw each other four times. My life was emotionally being torn apart again. After two weeks I went off on him in a tirade. He told me he was done with me for the 5th time ever. Then complete silence on his part. I of course got upset and made a fool or myself contacting him . Where it should have been a blessing. Why do they seem to like control even if they are not near you?
    Thanks!

    1. HI Heather,

      It’s a game of cat & mouse to them & they will play forever if you let them.
      They hook you in with the seduction & mirroring etc…you fall for them & then they start the game & around you go over & over.
      My advice is stay No Contact until you find out as much about them as possible & have your own power. You will stay in the abuse cycle endlessly if you don’t break the cycle.
      Read all of Pos’s articles & others 🙂 & listen & learn.

      Be courageous & remember who you really are 🙂
      You deserve happiness & a drama free relationship 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

    2. Hi Heather,

      We have all gone back more than once I think. I went back 4 times. Eventually you’ve had enough of being treated well for an hour and thereafter like a doormat. NO GOOD will come of this….EVER.

      Looking back, I did feel controlled from afar. I even felt like he was always watching. It was over the too for awhile, the thoughts. The good news is that these thoughts FADE in some time. Go a little easier on yourself. DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER AGAIN. You are sweet and he is one of the devils finest. When I have weak moments, guess what? I LET THEM PASS. Practice makes perfect, as you see I’ve been thru this a few times. Now is your time to begin healing. AVOID this creature at all costs. STAY BUSY with other things too. ANYTHING. We are all working on this and we are here for you. When you are tired of being disrespected, when you know your value, it will get easier! Xx

      1. Aww Bunny your such a sweetheart 🙂
        I went back 3 times & would still bve back there if the OW hadn’t set me free, I love her & am truly grateful she enlightened me. I mean that truly, thankyou, thankyou thankyou OW, he’s all yours!
        No More, lying, cheating,gaming,delusion, biting,slapping…gee wonder why I don’t miss him!!!

        LOL,
        Love you Bunnygirl 🙂
        RP xoxo

  29. Ok y’all, I SUCK. It’s been a dreadful couple three weeks here. I got the worst case of piles I’ve ever known (sorry for bluntness) and anyway, nearly had to go to hospital because of the pain. Well, I made it thru that, finally (and not having any insurance). But my birthday came and went, and I had the diversion of my sis & her husband coming up to celebrate my birthday ( yeah right, she spent most of her trip with her friend!), and going over lots of estate stuff regarding my momma. Yeah, I was depressed that my own father didn’t acknowldege my birthday, my sis did, but guess who did also? SPATH alert! Sent two emails and got thru, once again, my block on text to say a simple “happy bd”. I ignored, I did read his email which was nice. It was linked with a pressing concern I have with politics, but actually, his assesment tells me he didn’t read it very good! LOL

    So, yesterday, not having a good or bad day ( I have been on very bummed ground with my illness and only started to feel normal these past few days). I succumbed to my spath’s email. I read Positiva’s latest blog about how these monsters, whether born that way or not, in a way should be pityied. That’s what I read into it anyway. So, with a couple of shots of whiskey in me, I sent a brief acknowledgement email to him, thanking for BD wish and that I had been very ill. So of course he emailed me back this afternoon to ask what I was ill with. You know, I didn’t want to open this up again, but I wanted him to know that hey, I DID appreciate him saying something, even if it comes from someone that hurt me more then anyone I’ve ever known!
    In his own way, I know he “loves” me or did at one time. I know he can’t help being how he is, because I am not special, I saw him do this to so many others. Family dynamics- first red flag I recognised and he admitted to early on in our relationship. I so wish I wasn’t so complacent with my gut instincts and dealing with someone that could play such shittty games. I blew it.

    But, I won’t take his call, if he were to. I won’t write back. Let him wonder why I was ill. Hell, let him worry ( he always made callous remarks about “what kind of diseases was I hiding or got because I cheated or whatever the fuck”. BS- I tested at his insistance and was neg. every time!). I hope, forgive me, that in some ways he’s worried for, if not me, himself! For what he’s done to me in this time, after all I’ve lost in the last 9 months, he’s dispicable. I really do pray to the Universe for change- for something or someone to come in my life. I get glimmers of hope, only to have it crash down. I know change and better days will come in their own time, but I grow restless. In my heart this BS has been over for years, so it’s not like I am freshly alone. There’s nothing worse then being with someone, such as my ex, and you still feel utterly, finally, alone.

    In the shower, after I worked very hard today, I said to myself how glad I am that it is over. I don’t need to talk to him ( sans my blunder email last night), I don’t want to know how he is ( gas light anyone?). I don’t need his sympathy or, more likely, crass remarks. I just don’t need him anymore. So I guess that’s progress, even despite what I did.
    I hope everyone’s well- I so appreciate everyone on here and their stories.

    Edaldude

    1. Hi Eda 🙂

      Stay NC as you will be drawn back into the game otherwise.
      The old ‘cat & mouse’ game was initiated by his contacted & out of curiosity you responded.
      He relies on this & he does know you better than you know yourself.
      Rather, he knows that ’empath’s’ are always hopeful that they are wrong & that the Soc does truly feel something etc…
      He feels excitement that you are still responding & he loves the ‘power’ that evokes in him…’she’s still there’ etc…hanging on…poor thing….

      Don’t send yourself back into the game, stay strong & remember what he has done & not the ‘glory day’s’ of seduction & idolization.
      You want to believe he cares but, he only cares about control of you.
      Sorry but, that’s the truth & if he was empathic, he would never have done what he did originally.
      I realized that we all accept the bad behavior from a loved one that we would never accept from others. None of my real friends have ever treated me like my Soc did otherwise, they wouldn’t have been friends.
      I ‘woke up’ to the this fact, they are not our friends as, our friends don’t treat us badly, if they did they’d be gone to!
      Stay close to the real people & not the fake ones…

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

  30. I hardly drop comments, however after looking at a few of the comments here Staying with the present, RIGHT NOW will help you to heal you and your life in the quickest way possible.
    | Dating a Sociopath. I do have 2 questions for you if you tend
    not to mind. Is it simply me or do a few of these comments look like they are coming
    from brain dead visitors? 😛 And, if you are posting at additional online sites, I’d
    like to follow everything new you have to post.
    Could you post a list of every one of all your social community pages
    like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?

    1. Hi, I dont think the commentators here are brain dead! Facebook the link is to the left hand side – twitterhttps://twitter.com/DatingaSociopat I dont write there that often though, its mostly the posts that go there from here. But I will be writing this site a lot more.

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