The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Whilst not a comprehensive list, these traits show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath.
1. Charismatic and charming
For the sociopath, image is everything. At least the image that he/she gives to the outside world. When you first meet, you will be bowled over at just how charismatic and charming he/she is. He will constantly flatter you. Sometimes this will seem false to you, He/she might tell you how incredible that you look. You know that this isn’t true. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life.
Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you.
His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life.
2. Superficial and glib
A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself. The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show.
You might witness him/her being one person with a certain person, and somebody completely different with somebody else. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril.
The sociopath will say anything. They will say things to you, that you have already told them. This is designed to build trust, so that you think that this person knows and understands you really well. They make false empty promises, waste your time, and say things that they have no intention of ever coming true.
3. Lack of connection to their past
It is often too late and you are emotionally involved, by the time that you realise you haven’t met anybody from his past. He/she often moved to your city/town for work reasons, or some other excuse. Or maybe you met online. At first it doesn’t occur to you that you have never met anybody of significant importance to him. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses.
Most people do not meet others close in the very initial stages of a relationship; it’s usually an intimate time. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to?
Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.
4. Huge ego
All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are with the opposite sex (but how they have chosen you, because you are special). They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed.
They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self.
5. They play victim
Of course, if the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He can tell tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him (who you have never met, and most likely never would).
His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. It will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will also encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities.
6. They want to spend ALL of their time with you – showers you with attention and flattery
At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world. They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day.
At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. You wish that he/she had his own family and friends to spend time with. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love.
7. Sexual charisma and magnetism
All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth.
A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone.
9. They are compulsive pathological liars, manipulative and deceptive
Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth.
The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings.
When caught in a lie a sociopath will always
- · Change the subject
- · Blame someone else
- · If pushed will become angry, and point out your shortcomings, but rarely will he ever admit to the lie.
The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more.
A sociopath can go to great lengths to cover for his lies. An example of this, is someone who ‘fakes’ going to work every day, so that they can live off of you for free, whilst they are (fictitiously) waiting for pay.
10. Lives like a parasite
Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. Often a sociopath will see YOU as his/her career option. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour. He tells lies, so that you think that he isn’ t just some dead beat loser. He will talk of business plans, or a great career, and that maybe he is just temporarily down on his luck. But he sells you a good, honest moralistic man, with great prospects (it is all a lie).
Sociopaths love getting anything for free. They see this as ‘winning’ and it makes them feel good. It makes them feel good for two reasons.
- It shows how stupid other people are (and therefore how clever they are)
- It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment.
All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Even high functioning sociopaths like certain politicians, who put in false claims for expenses and live off a great life at the tax payers’ expense.
11. Comes on strong and moves fast
If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible.
If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people (which might be negative towards him), and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for.
12. Seems to have so much in common with you, appears a ‘soulmate’ connection
A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.
You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.
If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be.
13. Socially isolates you
One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence.
Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign.
In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else.
14. Is very dramatic
Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They do not mind having dramas or who sees them doing this, as they simply ‘do not care’. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change. Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Sociopaths LOVE drama. they are drawn to it like magnets. If there isn’t any drama, well they will create some.
15. Lack of life plan and long term goals
Some sociopaths work (high functioning ones), but low functioning ones do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they lose their jobs, or have a history of trouble in the workplace. Unless given an easy route for working, many sociopaths think that work is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change and get a job. But this is not very likely.
They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true.
A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future.
16. Immaturity
Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from the past and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for other human beings. The sociopath has no real care for the rights of others. But he may feign care, if he thinks that it is to his advantage. If he thinks that showing care will lure you in, or seduce you, or manipulate you, he will act responsible and caring.
Like a teenager, the sociopath is demanding (masked with charm), and very selfish. They only think of their own needs (what is in it for me)? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them.
17. Predatory stare
- Ok, they don’t all look THIS crazy…. but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville – definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.
It is not just the ‘stare’ (see above) The sociopath also comes up CLOSE. It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. You can literally feel like you are ‘prey’. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! At first, this is flattering, later into the relationship it can feel ‘suffocating.
18. Will always blame someone else – lack of remorse, guilt or shame
When a sociopath has had a sociopathic, narcissistic meltdown (remember most of the time he has his mask on), you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this.
When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. Usually when the sociopath is behaving this way, he is often in ruining stage and just will ‘not care’. There will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions.
The sociopath is never to blame, everything will always be somebody else’s fault. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.
19. Jealousy and paranoia
The sociopath is extremely jealous and paranoid. Will accuse you of things that you haven’t done (that often they have done). You will feel that you are constantly defending yourself against false accusations.
Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are
Copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
You guys would all be obsessed with a new show on LMN about crazy ex’s. Ive had so many, lol. Not as bad as some of you though.
Seriously though, check out My Crazy Ex on LMN, its shocking yet hilarious.
http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/my-crazy-ex
This describes my recent ex to a T. FINDING excuses of reasons why he was mad at me, and stupid stuff. Would get mad at me for texting and telling me I texted him 4 or 5 times when it was once. Mad for being concerned about him because I hadn’t heard from him, and we had a routine for 2 months. After he had seen me the last time, he did this. Blamed me for cheating on him with an ex, but later in an email told me he didn’t say that. It is very strange. He was very hypocritical, and saying he was annoyed with me doing these things but he was doing them also. It was very confusing, and I was hurt emotionally in the end. I am scared after now seeing this page, and hoping he doesn’t show up at my doorstep. He doesn’t like to put anything with relationships with social media, but yet blasted me with all our business. His name is Victor Santiago and lives in the Bronx, NY. Beware. This man is very intelligent, and told me sad stories, and even tells me how sick his Mom is. He did a 360 I tell ya. It went from overly gentle and loving to cookoo screaming man. Please beware.
I have been in a roller coaster situation, very similiar or exact to yours. I would say relationship but I don’t know what it was or is anymore. The man that I fell for changed in a rapid heartbeat. he went from begging to take me out, I have every message from him saved, to refusing to go anymore and then would scaringly go off on my phone for 18hrs pleading sexually to come over. He refused to answer any questions I asked and would turn his head other direction. He’s told outrageous stories none of which I could ever prove, made broken promises, and endless excuses that have built from the start. I knew from the beginning something was off, especially the crazy, long stare he gave me when we first went out, but I overlooked thinking he was really interested. Currently he’s on his no talking stage with me, again, saying he needs space, and is dealing with personal and professional issues, a common excuse for him, but refuses to explain, he said that after I went to his work wanting to know why he said he’d see me when he couldn’t even respond to my texts again. I sent 3 texts and that was a problem, he plays repeated games with his phone to me, where he will send one text and I will respond and he refuses to reply. His latest reason was that he ignores everyone. I’ve become very sick from this physically.being that he’s on his no going near me phase, not sure if it’s permanent, he left me with one disturbing line, he will contact me when he’s ready to get with me, and asked if that sounds like a deal. I’m devastated by this. Don’t know what to do
Hate to admit I’ve been duped by a sociopath too. John Wayne Waldron who currently lives on the edge of Carbondale Illinois but is from Marion Illinois. I hope others avoid him He is a monster!
Wow, this is putting my ex into perspective. He duped me into believing he truly loved me when he was just using and manipulating me for sex. My ex-boyfriend was very charming and smooth, I was attracted to him sexually almost immediately. After 2 weeks he already said he loved me and by the end of the month I was already his ‘soulmate’ and wanted to marry me. A lot of what he was saying at first sounded too good to be true but I wanted to believe him and eventually I fell for him and his lies. I began to lose my self, my whole life became about him and I was hopelessly addicted to him, just as he told me I would be. Just about the time I gave up my values for him he dumped me and went cold.
I found out later he was having sex with multiple women while he was with me, telling them he loved them, telling them the same lies, the same stories. I began to see that he used, duped and discarded women as a way to feed his ego and derive a sense of power.
Sad thing is, I shouldve known better. He told me once that he had a very hard heart and he doesn’t care about other peoples ideas. Of course I thought nothing of it because he was talking about his past self and he changed from that. But, he was actually talking about how he is now! He’s a psychopath and he has no empathy for others.
Hi Eva
This site is such a comfort and I just want to warn people out there about someone called Michael Bate who lives in Cannock in Staffordshire ( England ).
I met him last year at a rock festival while he was still married and admittedly he did not make a move then
In May 2015 his wife walked out on him ( and a 16yrold mid GCSE’s) after 29 years of being together, seemingly ‘overnight’ just leaving everyone letters – this should have been a red flag.
He contacted me via facebook in June and we eventually met mid August but from the start of August when we started speaking, he phoned me every day for about 10 weeks for approx 2 hours a day, texted me, wanted to see me every weekend ( we are 2 hours apart ) seemingly worshipped me and the ground I walked on, asked me to move to Stafaffordshire with him after about 6 weeks ( when he finally got all the divorce details sorted out ) loads of gigs organised for the future – up to June 2016, a very attractive man with long hair ( and I made no bones about telling him this and was surprised when he told me no-one had told him this before ) , he could not do enough for me, and I could not believe my luck. He wanted to do the same as me ( move to the coast in 2 yrs time ), told me our connection was just so great and where was I 30 years ago!!! This was all in the space of about 10 weeks.
However, one weekend – when again he had begged me to go up there again, there was a row with the 2 daughters ( 16yr old who moved out for the weekend and the 25yr old ) and the 16yr old left the house on the Friday night and was not back Sunday lunchtime. In the meantime, I was ill with vomiting in the early hours of sunday morning and I could tell that he just wanted me to get out the way so he could deal with this daughters. As I was too weak to drive he eventually agreed to drive me home and got the train back.
The next morning I got a text saying things were bad, he was bad, his daughter would not come home and he could no longer see me at weekends as he had to concentrate on his daughter – and we had the next 5 weekends lined up one being for my birthday, a gig, a Hallowe’en weekend etc. He said he was so messed up that he couldn’t even speak to me but that he wanted me to forgive him and stay friends.
I phoned and texted many times that evening but he just ignored me. 2 days later I emailed him asking him to return items of property were at his house, which he did and he did answer texts relating to when the package would arrive. However when I emailed telling him I was confused, devastated and asking him to explain why he would not even speak to me, I have had no reply but he did manage to put on facebook the Saturday after he stopped speaking to me that he was down the pub with his friends. I have since blocked him from facebook.
There were ‘flashes’ of him not caring which I did not take enough notice of.
Of course his wife walking out was all her fault – I am now realising why she did and feel so sorry for her and amazed that she lasted as long as she did – poor woman.
Make a note of the name again – Michael Bate – he is a very attractive charming man. If you don’t want the emotional abuse that I have suffered ( having all that attention with drawn overnight ) then do not fall for his constant attention and flattering lines.
5 weeks on from that goodbye text, I have still heard absolutely nothing from him – not even on my birthday ( 3 weeks later ) and he was well aware of the date as I had booked a hotel that he had suggested. He has no compassion or sympathy for the emotional trauma he has caused me.
I got not closure from him – but I did from this site, and reading the stories of others have realised what a lucky escape I have had.
Than you all so much for restoring my sanity and I am now relieved at being free of such a nasty. manipulative piece of work.
Thank you for sharing. I have been making myself completely crazy as I am left heart broken and devastated. I can’t believe that I let my self get in so deep. Honestly. He gave me everything I needed to hear durning a hard time in my life. I can’t even wrap my brain around how someone can not have any care for the hurt they deliberately cause.
Hugs Michelle, this is no reflection on you. He deliberately targeted you when you were at a tough time of your life. The truth is that he would have kept you at this tough time of your life, and stopped you from healing and recovering. He provided the entertainment and the false illusion that he was lifting you up…. so when he leaves, you feel like you have gone back to the tough time in your life. This isn’t really true, it is more that he has held you back from healing and recovery, held you up and wasted your time. Start today on healing and recovery. Bring back the focus to you, take it one day at a time. This man will only bring further hurt and pain to you.
Same thing for me. She couldn’t spend enough time with me at the start. Soul mates she said. Also said she had to spend time with her 18 year old daughter on the weekends after spending 2 months with me. Gutted me like a fish. I’m still trembling.
Same situation except i got pregnant to him and now have a son with him….i cant even explain the pain i have felt for 2years straight i was so stupid
I keep thinking I should have been more patient. He got violent in arguments and would say I hit him first. I pushed him away from screaming and spitting in my face. He would make changes like finally getting a job, cutting down on drugs, and gave me his passwords so I could trust him. That was a screamer in itself. Somehow I never felt safe in the relationship. I did a LOT for him and it was all taken for granted. From our first 2nd date he started playing girls against me. There was always one to fall back on, even exes who he treated badly. He proved this when we broke up before. Outside everyone (except those close to me) see him as fun and charming. My friends and family saw right through him and saw he was using me. Everything about him is a lie. True enough he’s looking for his next supply. He tried the tears and I just couldn’t believe it this time. He always would tell me things, bad things about himself which would make me think I was the one he was finally honest with. I know this was probably his tactic along with the sad stories. Am I being too mean though? I became a paranoid wreck, on edge he told me it was his fault to begin with why I didn’t trust him but he could not do anything more. I had to trust him for it to work. I felt like he would say things but his actions wouldn’t follow up. There were still always back ups. I tried explaining maybe we were not right and he would convince me we would work it out. I needed to be patient. I thought I was patient about so much. When he did pay rent it was so I couldn’t say he didn’t, his words. I felt everything that changed because I said other people mentioned it about him. I never felt anything was genuinely for us. I would never have stayed with someone who treated me like that before. I was so independant. Yet I’m still thinking of him. Even having many lies proved to me it’s like I still want more truth. Then again better I don’t as it hurts so bad.
I cant beleive i found this site..everything about dating a sociopath could have been written about my relationship. He was mosr def a sociopath and nearly destroyed me…i am recovering slowley…but it hurts still…he was my best friends brother..my best friend died of cancer and we got together in grief..i broke up my marriage for this man and lived hin totally..but it was all lies…he used me so badly for financial gain and i fell for it…then when he was getting caught in this web of lues he left me..in 20 mins he destroyed my life…and walked away without a thought for me and the devestation he has caused..hes wrecked my life and my health…take care out there x
Oh my gosh, so much of what you say sounds familiar, from being independent to feeling that I should have been more patient with him and all his issues and what he was going through. I’m so good at blaming myself and he is soooo good at taking no responsibility. It’s been months since we broke up and, while I can see that I am moving forward and have created a whole new and much happier and secure life, I still doubt myself, I’m still confused, friends and my therapist tell me I stood up for myself, but I don’t feel that way, mainly I end up having hope that maybe I’m wrong and he’ll come back around. You’re not alone, I feel ya! ❤️
girl, same! I take responsibility for my shortcomings in the relationship, but all the signs were there for him being a sociopath! (Not to mention , he told me he was) I blame myself for a lot and rightly so, but they are irrelational and no matter how much they tell you they will change, they won’t. I miss him though and yeah part of me wishes he’d come back so I could right my wrongs. oh well..
I was stupid enough to fall for a sociopath. He admitted from the very beginning that he was a diagnosed Sociopath, for whatever reason I chose to ignore this “warning sign” (more like a freakin billboard with flashing lights!) I guess in part due to my ignorance and my want for a connection.
Reading this helped me acknowledge something that up until now I was completely in denial about, he never truly cared for me, the connection I felt was a fabrication. He ticked every single box listed. Not only that, he completely encompassed the definition of a sociopath.
I thought I had this “great love” and it took 9 months (not from a lack of trying) to completely end it. In fact I moved countries in the end due to my own struggle with mental illness, and decided I wanted no contact with him. Although, there was still something there. This guy put me through emotional hell, all I’d ever wanted was to feel loved/adored/connected a d he made me feel all of those things, but I am the type to question everything, things weren’t stacking up and he kept burying himself in lies, or as soon as I’d catch him out there would be nothing behind his eyes, he would then calmly and bluntly shrug it off, along with my feelings.
Everything around me should be crumbling as the wound is so fresh, but this has helped release me. Thank you, thank you so much.
It was never you mel…. despite he made you think that it was, it was him, and his disordered brain.
Music has helped me so much through both the grief and rage stages of sociopath abuse recovery. One song that truly hit me was “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles. The lyrics are SO profound because of the “pull” the narcissist/sociopath has on us…sad but not romantic and just what I needed for a good cry. It is important to take time to grieve the fantasy while relieving anger at the sociopath. I oscillate between grief and rage, so when I am in rage mode, I focus the anger into working out @vixentalent ; I listen to Part of Me by Katy Perry, Fight Song by Rachel Platten, Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine (get that Devil off your back)! Also I can Love! by Vicki Martinez – because WE CAN love. They NEVER will. Read all you can & RUN!
Music is good for sure Strongmama, I like Katy Perry ‘wide awake’ video…. it is perfect.
Tge above information may have just saved me from something horrible.
A good song LULLABY, Assemblage 23
Try listening to ‘pearl’ by Katy Perry. I swear she’s been through similar so many of her songs relate! X
Yes with Russell brand.
Really?? just goes to show looks can most certainly be deceiving! Not that I find him attractive at all but he seems so genuine on TV etc. Just another perfect example of how hard it can be to spot them though I guess x
How do you know that Russell Brand is a sociopath?
Yes, Russell brand is such a narcissistic asshole. No wonder he like the Hare Krshna cult. That cult is FULL of sociopathic, child molesting gurus.
I know this is an old thread but Katy Perry’s newest song “Rise” is my anthem and almost fit for anyone who has dated a sociopath, especially long term. If you haven’t heard it, I really suggest looking it up!
I love wide awake. The video so shows how she was with a sociopath.
I am a sociopath it’s a constant battle, but I doubt I’ll ever change. I don’t date, and haven’t been in a steady relationship since my marriage ended over 20 years ago…I don’t see this changing.
It took a lot of years to realize what the hell was going on inside of me, why I felt nothing pretty much all the time. Over the years I’ve developed a better sense of self, but on the whole I still pretty much don’t give a f–k about anything, however I have mastered the skill of honesty…I won’t lie to save my life now, that sounds good? It’s not.
The problem is when you take unabashed honesty and mix it with sociopath behavior you get someone so blunt and uncaring about the feelings of others, that they have zero problem telling you things you may not want to hear, and definitely in a way you don’t want to hear it.
This is why I don’t date or even attempt to get into a relationship. I can’t (won’t ) be held responsible for how someone else feels, and I the very little part of me that can feel an ounce of emotion, I believe anyone deserves better than that.
I’d like to hear this from you, a sociopath. When a woman showers you with praise, affection, gifts, etc. at first and then barely gives you anything, is she a sociopath? Are these warning signs I should be watching out for? My girlfriend did this, she went from white hot to icy in a manner of weeks.
Every time I try to break up with her, she says “I’ll change! I’ll change! I’ll be affectionate!”. She does it for the first few days and then goes back to her normal icy self. You tell it like it is, so give it to me straight doc, am I being bamboozled here? She only ever shows me love and affection when I signal that I’m about to leave.
She’s been picking fights with me frequently, or just outright ignoring me when I get closer to again.
If you’ll permit me to offer some experience from a woman who had her pick of men, young or old, for well over 20 years. I’ve gotten a lot of gift in my lifetime, a lot of attention (both negative and degrading as well as positive and kind). No emotionally healthy woman or girl will treat another human being this way. I don’t know what is wrong with the woman who is treating you this way…she may have VERY valid, personal reason for being aloof and unaffectionate (maybe she has experienced date rape? molestation as a child? been the victim of a sociopath herself?). The reason why she is doing it is secondary to the fact that she is emotionally manipulating you. She may have an approach-avoidant attachment issue that needs to be resolved with intensive therapy with a psychologist before she can learn to healthily attach to other individuals.
Do not allow someone to use that push-pull method of manipulation. Do not allow ANYONE to use you, or coerce you into buying them little gifts in order to stay. Also, ask yourself if you’re being an asshole, because if you are, she is right to be icy toward you and she should be the one walking away from you. If that last two lines really pisses you off beyond belief, then it is very likely YOU who has the problem. Either way, good luck to you~
One thinking I found is ask in written form how they feel if you get the chance.
Like a family member having test’s done your cold “oh , and how do you FEEL ?”
It’s a test .
This is brave and caring , two qualities which sociopaths lack. My sociopath nightmare lacked courage (his) and he IST didn’t care about me, in fact he delighted in hurting me. I know a person also a sociopath who has a great marriage because he too is aware and does not enjoy hurting his family.
Tad – I’m curious if you ever thought about or wanted to explore why lack a certain range of emotion. Why you don’t give a f**k. Have you always been this way? Is it why your marriage ended or did the marriage ending harden you?
My last ex showed ALL of these traits. Wish I had known this 3 years ago but, like they say, experience is the best teacher. He is an addict, has an extensive RAP sheet, constantly unemployed, a liar, theif (from me, companies, and people in my life), cheater etc. He drained and abused me emotionally, physically, and financially. For the first time in my life I started having anxiety attacks and felt constantly sick. I tried leaving several times, but he sucked me back in (clearly I had very poor self esteem), until he left me for his new victim. At first, I was devastated but now I feel sorry for both of them. I feel sorry for her because she has no idea what he has in store for her. I feel sorry for him because I cannot imagine a life where I could not truly connect, give and receive love with another person; what a sad existence. Listen everyone, don’t EVER give up on love. You all clearly have so much love, kindness and caring in your hearts–just imagine sharing it with someone who actually deserves it.
Hello, apart from recovering from a relationship with a sociopath, being able to trust someone again is another challenge. After experiencing such deceit how can one trust anyone again? Having said that I like what Mattie says one should give love another chance but this time one should listen to our gut feeling and not ignore any red flags. Thank you for this web site.xxx
Hi sarah, i think you need to give yourself time to heal and recover. This can take some time. It has taken me 18 months since we split. I think i am starting to trust again. Remember twisted psychological abuse can take a while to come undone. But it will come undone as long as you give yourself the time and stay away from them.
I agree with you 100% .My ex used me for 5 yrs. He’s not only a sociopath but he’s also a raging alcoholic. I endured 5 years of physical and emotional abuse. He finally dumped me for someone else. I was angry at first. He moved out of my home and right in with his new victim. Now I feel sorry for this new person. She has not the slightest idea of what is in store for her. Drunken outbursts of rage , cheating, lying and mooching. Breaking things the screaming at 3 am. I’m fortunate that he left they even got restraining orders against me. I’ll rebuild my life. The only thing that worries me is him contacting me when she kicks him out again.
Aragh the screaming at 3am Nette, my ears would ring. My stress levels were through the roof. Of it all of all the lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation, threats, ruining and smear campaigns the shouting at me. Yelling in the garden about me. Yelling middle of the night so the neighbours could hear. It was this that i hated the most.
My ex is a classic sociopath. The more I learn about it, and speak to my counselor, and replay our relationship over in my head, the more I’m certain of it. I posted on another thread the details of what had transpired so I won’t go into it again, but we broke up just over 6 weeks ago.
I haven’t started dating yet, but I have been talking to people and just trying to put myself out there so I’m not sitting home feeling sorry for myself. I’m pretty clear with everyone that I’m NOT looking for any sort of serious relationship, that I’m just going out and meeting people.
However, it seems that EVERY SINGLE MAN I meet wants to marry me tomorrow. Ok, exaggeration, but, you get the point. I’m so overly cautious now that I take every little thing and convince myself it’s sociopathic behavior even when it may not be. How do I stop this? How do I recognize when it’s REALLY something to be concerned about?
My user name may be PaulKress but I’m actually a woman. I’m clarifying that because, as a female, I’d like to offer some friendly words of kind caution. Many women (I’m not sure about men?) find that they are sociopath-magnets, for lack of a better phrase, for several months to a year AFTER ending the relationship with the sociopath. Please keep that in mind, when/if you begin to date again.
I’m sure many women who have been the victims of sociopaths can identify with your statement that many men want to marry a beautiful, strong, confident, successful woman right away. Sociopaths seem to prefer the beautiful, strong, confident, successful types of women, because they love, love, love to tear women like that down to absolutely nothing. It makes them feel better about themselves, and less weak than they actually are (and sociopaths are unbelievably weak and very scared inside). That’s why they bully others…to feel strong and in control (unlike the weak and powerless child they were when they were abused).
Just keep in mind that no emotionally healthy man (or woman) will want to marry you right away. I’m not saying that someone can’t look at someone else and say she/he is the person I’m going to marry someday. I’m saying that to actually get engaged or propose right away is a sign of desperation, immaturity, irresponsibility, an inability to be alone, and/or having a lack of foresight. I’d also add that someone who thinks like that does not recognize that a legal marriage is a legally binding contract in the eyes of the law FIRST. You wouldn’t buy a house or used car without doing your due diligence beforehand, so you certainly should be entering into a lifetime contract with someone you barely know. (you=any of us, not you personally).
If it is genuine love…which we all know comes after getting to know someone and having shared experiences with them (both good and bad), it will also be genuine love in a year, or two, or three. There is no reason to rush into a marriage…ESPECIALLY not to rush into having children (choose the father/mother of your child with the utmost scrutiny). All of us deserve a healthy, loving, well-intentioned partner who is committed to making our life BETTER. A child NEEDS that in order to grow into an emotionally healthy, non-socioipathic adult. Please choose your date, mates, and father/mother of your children wisely. You can divorce that person, but a child gets stuck with them for life.
Welcome back to reality, sanity, and the land of the sympathetic. It takes close to a year to heal. Be gentle and patient with yourself.
I agree so much with this comment, particularly about the weak powerless child. I think that they stay in that mode, forever. This is why they need victims. They have to dominate, to make them feel better about themselves. I don’t think it was an accident that we split when I grew strong. Neither do I think it was an accident that he is now happier with someone who is used to being victim. He can play rescuer. Or so she thinks……I couldn’t play that role anymore.
Yes, pg, your ex is going to play rescuer or anyone else that she needs him to play, until it no longer works. Then, he’s going to move along to his next acting job. The one constant will be that weak, powerless child. Like you said, that’s forever.
Thanks for all you do to promote awareness of these hollow, walking shape-shifters.
Thank you so much for that.That has cleared the confusion and I have realised that people have suffered far more than I have.
Many Many thanks. You are an Angel
My pleasure, Suzy. Thank you for your kind words, as well. 🙂
Such a sympathetic, insightful and pragmatic piece. Thank you for sharing. I am freshly detaching from a gorgeous, charismatic grade A sociopath after 2.5 years. I was once a confident, positive, attractive professional woman who he whittled down so subtly over time to someone now in therapy, on anti-depressants and the occasional anxiety blocker. Today I am finally deleting all traces of his contact to self heal. I only recently found out he was already married to a Lady in the Bahamas, despite having introduced me to his family over here, and has adopted quite a disturbing Twitter persona that I don’t recognise as the kind, loving and gentle man he portrayed. He won the hearts of my young children and family, which I have been left to manage. I called him out and he is matching all of the above characteristics of lying, blame-shifting and stonewalling. This article and your insight give me great comfort and will accelerate my healing. It’s a relief to finally identify the kind of animal we have all been dealing with.
Thank you Jo, I am sorry that you have been through this too. They literally rip the life and soul from you.
Im just now coming out a 2 1/2 year relationship. I thought it was just a rough time in his life that he couldn’t seem to escape out of. But then he showed me his scary side and didn’t mind putting his hands on me at all. I haven’t let him come back but I am struggling with the fact that he had been sleeping with someone else for a long time before I found out and she has watched us go through this and is still with him! Does she think that she is immune because she already knew he was a sociopath? Or does that make her one too??? I don’t know how I will heal from all of this but my kids will definitely be safe away from his rage. Thank you for your insight!
Likely he is lying to her new start. He is playing her and faking to be the victim of you 😦
This is one of the most well written, insightful posts I’ve read here. Thank you…
Wow, that’s high praise, that so much for your (unexpected) kind words, and for taking time out of your day to share them. : )
I pretty much stopped commenting, and reading comments here months ago because positivgirl blocked me from her fb group…she hated me on there, but always interacted so kindly on this page…go figure? Anyway, I rarely ever check this site or leave information and experiences due to my personal experience with her on FB.
Wishing health and healing to all~
PaulKress (is a sociopath in UT)
I TOT IT PATHETIC dAT PPLE THINK ITS A DISORDER OR MEDICAL CONDITION.BUT I HAD NO IDEA PPLE GOT HURT LIKE THAT.I Knew SOMETHING Was Wrong With Me Still I Dismissed It As ‘lucky charm’.
I’ve never bothered telling d truth, even 2 my own self.nd i always lie 2 cova a blown lie.my Godmother Hated me wn i was little(nd my fam.) just cos she thought i was 2u smart 4 my age. She didn’t wnt her husband(hu’s a 4ma minister nd governor)2 sponsor my wducation overseas wt her children….so now i let pple think i’m dumb.sometimes i’d fail tests purposely,other times,i’d miss out on classes nd texts. I know how hard things have been 4 my parents 4 years now nd how hard they,ve tried just to give us the bestest education .it started out as depression but i can’t even tell how i became dis,a living shadow.
I neva folw schedules,i hate work even if its washin dishes..i alwys wnt 2 hav a guy around me..nt dat i lyk ’em..it’s like i can nw face d world..i’m nvr sorry 4 anytn i do,i get angry dat i was caught.is der hope 4 me?
I moved countries for my ex and left a successful job and life for him. When we moved in together in the UK, it became apparent that my loving boyfriend, who was constantly saying he wanted to marry me and loved me so much, was in fact extremely controlling about day to day life and also took very little interest in me. It was all about him. His dad had just died so I put it down to stress. If I criticised anything about him he would take it as an attack and would start raising his voice. He said I was ‘oppressive’ if I had any needs. Once at a wedding in Colombia, he told me he was going to speak to some friends and told me I couldn’t come over as it was ‘lads talk’ and ‘I wouldn’t like it’. When I asked him why I couldn’t come and not to leave me on my own.. he began to shout so loud that the entire wedding party turned around – he screamed and screamed and then walked out leaving me at the wedding in Bogota. When we got back to the hotel, he shouted ‘we’re finished! it’s over! you have ruined the wedding and humiliated me! you don’t like me seeing my friends!’.
I had always been suspicious of his friends as they took coke and seemed to have an objectify attitude to women.. (one friend talked about how they used to ‘run through’ women.
When we got back from the wedding to the UK, things calmed down again. By now we had been dating for two years (one year long distance and one living together). Our lives were completely joined though mutual friends we had made, families, our little dog. We both worked from home freelancing.
One day we were going for dinner with aforementioned mysogininstic friend. I asked my ex to ask his friend not to mention my boyfriend’s previous love life at dinner which he had done before. My ex jumped up and started shouting ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore. You don’t like my friends’
That day, on Easter Sunday, he packed his things and left. I never saw him again. I was left with nowhere to live and a dog to rehome. He didn’t ever ask how I was, if I had any money, where I was moving to, was I ok?
He simply went to his mums house to live there down the road. And never once contacted me again. My brother was diagnosed with leukaemia in the coming weeks and I didn’t tell him.
After three months I contacted him for my deposit on the house but he refused.
This has been the most painful, shocking experience of my life. The ultimate callous discard.
Just want to say thank you in an unfortunate way. I’m a guy who just got out of a 4 year relationship with a sociopath. I’m so drained from the confusion. I feel blessed to have come to my senses and read all the signs. I know others have had considerably worse scenarios than I but that doesn’t eliminate the confusion and hurt. My ex sent me texts posing as a Pastor. At first I actually thought it was from a Pastor that I knew, then as time went on the manner and style was so similar to my ex I actually called the guy and that was it. Anyway, thank you for having a forum to speak, not able to talk about this with family or friends. Its just to embarrassing and painful.
Another anonymous, I definitely recommend you do NOT talk to your family and friends about what has happened. The vast majority of people in your life will not understand. Someone, actually anyone, whose been in a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath will understand better than those closest to you. If you have someone in your family who is a psychologist or in law enforcement, they might understand. Other than that, you’ll likely be better off with strangers who’ve dealt with these conscienceless assholes. I’m sorry for what you experienced. Wishing you the best with your healing process. It took me about 6 months for the mental fog to lift, 11 months to begin to feel like I was getting back to myself again. It took me another 6 months after that to begin to want to get back out in the world. The first 6 months after I left were really very, very odd. I had PTSD, though so you may have a different experience.
Take care. It does get better~ From: Dating a Sociopath To: shameysnooper@yahoo.com Sent: Thursday, July 30, 2015 12:41 PM Subject: [New comment] Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!! #yiv5702170450 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv5702170450 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv5702170450 a.yiv5702170450primaryactionlink:link, #yiv5702170450 a.yiv5702170450primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv5702170450 a.yiv5702170450primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv5702170450 a.yiv5702170450primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv5702170450 WordPress.com Another Anonymous commented: “Just want to say thank you in an unfortunate way. I’m a guy who just got out of a 4 year relationship with a sociopath. I’m so drained from the confusion. I feel blessed to have come to my senses and read all the signs. I know others have had consider” | |
I had posted on this site last year about a very traumatic and damaging relationship I was in with a sociopath. Since then this man continued to try and contact me and still develope a relationship with me. He would call and say he needed help and needed a ride or some money. If was always in the manner of “I know I shouldn’t have wasted my time calling you”. In turn trying to get a rise or guilt out of me. I changed my car, moved, cut and dyed my hair and even changed my number, which I have had for 8 years. And still he emailed me or found some way to contact me. Every so often I would use a search engine to see if he was jailed again or moved out of state. I was surprised in my last search to find out that he had died. The bitter sweet feeling of knowing you don’t need to hide anymore mixed with how can I be so happy someone met their demise? I am happy and I don’t feel bad about it anymore. I’m free!
Cannot wait to get where you are! Congratulations. I am still baffled by what has happened.. The mental work they do is so damaging and the things that they do is so unreal that you question yourself; no surely not.. especially when they are still coming back to you for the source. I have a hard time cutting him out totally; I pray I can get where you are sooner rather than later! Congratulations!
Wow, that must be a freeing feeling. I can’t even imagine. Enjoy your new peace of mind.
Hi positive girl, could you please send me your email address for some reason the one im using is bouncing.
datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk
I never thought I would be taken in by a manipulator, I was in a strong place and met ‘the perfect man’ who I thought would complete my life’s package. I had just bought a house on my own and was in a job I loved. So when a friend of mine introduced me to her colleague, a handsome charming
pilot I fell in love. He was a text book Socio-path, he lured me in by showering me with attention, called me everyday after work just to chat, bought me flowers on a weekly bases and was basically the perfect gentleman, 3 months later he changed dramatically, there were stories that didn’t quite add up, other female ‘friends’ who called him in the evening, a love bite which he claimed to have given himself, and when i confronted him he played the sympathy card and told me that before we met he was suicidal. He blamed me for being insecure, using his knowledge of my father’s infidelity to convince me my lack of trust was my own issue…not caused by his constant flirting or inappropriate behaviour. He told his parents lies about me to make himself look like the victim but got terribly nervous around my family once my mother made it clear she wasn’t buying his bullshit, I do think this man needs psychological help but I no longer feel anything for him. He’s just lucky I never told his airline about his so called ‘suicidal’ tendencies…it would be a shame for him to loose his job..wouldn’t it?
I think I’m dating a sociopath. It’s only been a month. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. Age has never been a problem for me and he said it wasn’t a problem for him. My friends and family are supportive of the age difference. Anyways, on the first day we connected right now. I opened up myself and he opened up talking about his past. In the early stages of our relationship, he would always fabricate these unecessary problems. I would talk to him about it and he would say that I’m pushing him away and that he would change. I would also like to add the fact that I am a very very independent person and I don’t need anybody. He knows this. He told me that he was diagnosed with bipolar and he stopped his meds. Whenever we get into an argument that he starts, he would always tell me that he loves and tries to bring up the stuff he does for me. He would say that he would change and that he promises to learn from his mistakes. He tries to see me everyday and when I don’t agree, he acts like a pissy bitch and tries to get me to see him anyways. He always blames everything on the fact that his birth mom left him and his birth dad was never around(he’s adopted). I feel like he needs to be in control of the situation hence he doesn’t like it when I answer I don’t know to him. Two days ago he hung out with one of my girl friends which I was cool with. After, he calls me and says that she wanted something to happen with him and he made her sound bad. As a result, she lost the respect of all her friends. I then found out from her that he said “I’m fighting the urge not to cheat”. I gave him endless chances to tell me because I kept asking me but he lied to convincingly to my face over and over again and promised me that he didn’t. When it came to that point where he was about to lose me, he admitted it. I told him that he is a liar and a manipulator. Tonight I then searched up that he was a liar and a manipulator and I came to the senses that he might be a sociopath. He is extremely emotional and knows exactly what to say. I called him out on being a sociopath and he doesn’t agree. He just wants another chance after I’ve been so patient with him. After reading what was on this website, he fits all the descriptions and it’s so scary. Please help. It’s only been a month but I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted already and I haven’t left him because I want to believe that he will be a better person. He says he’s going to talk to his therapist about the lying and manipulating thing and that he has started his full medication for bipolar. I’m just not sure what to think.
Might have been a good article, but the formatting is screwed up and the left hand side is truncated in both IE and Firefox. Doesn’t anybody there read your own publications?
BEWARE OF A serial dater that goes on match and probably other dating sites.His name is David G.Apetz. He is a sex addict ,drug addict who by the way put drugs in my drink without me knowing it ,kidnapped me,among other things which are to upsetting. Please stay away from him at all costs.He lives in Manhattan.
Beware Pof they do not remove predators . It’s free and they really deny evidence which I sent to them of a charming psycho I encountered I 2012 stalking me on and off over four years supposedly ‘innocent’ cards, gifts etc. He isn’t single either but is sill predating.
I am a sociopath….beware losers and live a filthy dirty life…have great day 🙂
Ryan Ulm from Lubbock, TX fits this perfectly. He cannot hold a job for more than three or so months. He drinks on the job even if it’s a physical job that requires care. He spends his parent’s credit cards on his drinking habit- and they let him! He sleeps around like it’s his job,and has HPV. I noticed genital warts on him and be tried to hide them, never once went to the doctor. Spins lies about whoever he is dating if they try to prick holes in his stories. He is a bad employee, a criminal drug addict, an alcoholic, and a verbally and emotionally abusive man if you can even call him that. And the best thing? He is so charming. Nobody believes he is like this, his parents know, but they are enablers. So don’t get in a relationship with him, beware, do not!
Everything on here is spot on why can’t they diagnose these people and give warnings my hearts broken. I am trying to recover it’s very hard he did feed me everything I wanted to hear I bought him weed everyday to keep him calm when we would drink together that was horrible he’s almost killed me more than once I just recently called the cops as he was attacking me and we are on no contact and when I told the victim service lady what he’s done holding his hands plugging my nose and covering my nose until I couldn’t breathe my eyes blood shot she had told me I was about 30 seconds away from death. He’s lied and cheated I don’t know how many times. So we have a restraining order he’s not allowed in town until court I see a week later he has a new girl from this town going to see him now they are a couple it hurts but I know all this is a huge learning curve it’s nice to write and get it all out! Theirs more but I’ll save for later I’m so sorry for anyone who’s been through this it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome
How do you get rid of them? When I try breaking up, he starts texting and calling like nothing happened. If I don’t respond, he comes over. He tells me that I am not leaving him. This can go on for days. I don’t know what to do. He fits the traits of a psychopath more than a sociopath. How did other people get out?
Hi, I went through this. This went on for a considerable period of time. From my own experience, you cannot leave a sociopath, other than disappear somewhere they do not know where you are. Only they can choose to leave you. For a true psycho, the level of crazy that you experience, is beyond anything and just going ‘no contact’ does not work.
I wrote a post called ‘how to get even with a sociopath’ this was the ONLY thing that worked for me. I had to be as crazy as he was, I had to match him, lie to him, derail him – However this is NOT recommended for one that is either violent, or someone that you have work/children with. I would only recommend this action, if he is refusing to let you go – and you are suffering further losses he is threatening that you will lose your job ect.
Another tact and probably a more sensible one, is to tell him by text or in writing so that you have proof, that the relationship is OVER that you do not want any further contact with him. If he contacts you, then you will contact the police and report him for harassment (they love to control, but do not like to be controlled) this is probably the most sensible option,
HOWEVER – in my case, this did NOT work. I was too scared of him, so that when I went no contact, and he would show up at my house- every time, I called police, but I was too scared to follow through with any action towards him, simply because I knew that he was a pathological liar, and would say whatever he wanted to say, to get me into further trouble. The only way I could escape was to convince him, that he couldn’t fuck with me and that I was far crazier than him – it was exhausting – but it worked.
When I see so many complain about getting rid of their ex. I think maybe my ex wasn’t a Sociopath. And to be truthful I’ve got to admit I feel jealous because I didn’t get any love-bombing. And the hoovering, stalking, begging to come back. It almost sounds like you’re bragging! Because seriously, if you want to cut someone out of your life, its easily done. Feeling good about it and being resolute about no contact….much harder.
If you mean it, you will do whatever it takes. It’s cut & dryed. When it’s not working, one of these things is happening: a) you want to WIN & make him lose b) you like the game, and relish the drama c) not willing to change your life d) don’t want to sacrifice job, housing, material possessions, status, financial losses, reputation, convenience, friends etc.
And you shouldn’t be forced to give up any or all of the above. There’s nothing fair or right about it. But it can be done. How important is it to you? I need to add the final reason (imo) you can’t keep him away. (besides the obvious one which is that you like him begging to come back,he can’t live without you blah blah blah.)
If you are not making it stick and haven’t severed all ties….then you haven’t learned and don’t understand how damaged he is, the depth of the pathology. And you don’t realize how it will hurt and destroy your life. Abuse leaves permanent scars.
This is just what came from my observations and personal experience. Unbelievably difficult, a very lonely spiritual path.
Guppie, the stalking is scary. Mine was going in and out of my house when I was at work, would be contacting my friends and family and kept tabs on my every move.
It can be hard to prove as they are so sly.
In the early days mine bombarded me with letters and emails but it was just words. The actions never changed, it was all about power and trying to force me back. Something in my gut felt off and thank god I stuck to my guns because when I passed his deadline he was off finding new supply.
With children involved all ties can’t be completely cut.
Even now with limited communication he seems to keep tabs on every inch of our lives and I am not dating or have anything to hide.
I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
Hi Sadie….just wanted to see how you are doing? I have often thought that the worst thing would be to have a true sociopath as the father of my children. How impossibly hard to walk that path trying to be fair and wise while also protecting them (and you) from the dark & evil. Because in my view, its not just the sociopath himself but this invisible force field of evil that surrounds his life and slowly gets a toehold and invades your life.
Worst of all, i still struggle with cognitive dissonance (maybe he’s not truly bad/oh yes he is!) over and over. I long for some objective proof…hard evidence that didn’t come from me. And after 20mos. of NC i still wish we were together and that he chose me & wanted me and not the new perfect girl. So….for some of us i guess it really takes a long time to heal. Lonllness and some kind of shame haunts me
I understand how you feel, but be assured that being with him would only prolong the misery because he will still leave you in the end. Get some professional therapy if you can and read this book that helped me. It’s called “addiction to love, overcoming obsession and dependency by Susan Peabody.
You are much better off without him.
“A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.”
Everything i read above applies to my soul destroyer ex bf. He constantly lied, cheated and manipulated me and other girls at the same time when he already had a gf of 5 years living in the same house… Beware of this con artist (he is online hunting for other victims all the time) Martin Murphy who lives in england, very charming, kind and intelligent as other sociopaths.
Stick to no contact and keep going. Know that he cannot change
Jesus fucking Christ…. I’m married to one and this all makes so much sense…. I knew everything that’s been said… But as I’m currently trying to leave this pos, it’s destroying me in the process… His son, is now my son and a big role as to why I have trouble leaving… I hate how stupid I was to not see this before, even knowing something was off, I believed the lies and his swave style of always making me feel special for a week, till he hit a whole new level of bat shit crazy. I can’t believe I’m stuck in a marriage with a person like this. He’s violent and mean, like saying the most hurtful, hateful things to me everytime he gets caught up in a lie or I accidentally make him feel less of a man (bc he’s a compulsive liar and a cheater and has been caught SEVERAL TIMES). Now I’m in another state with his son, while he’s living up the single life and making me feel like it’s all my fault?… Umm me telling you as a wife I miss you, shouldn’t piss you off. Ur wife saying she loves you, shouldn’t annoy you…. It’s normal… Given you randomly decided we needed to move….. Ugh I’m disgusted and angry excuse my rant….. How the hell do we get away from them and not let them destroy us and our careers and slander our name for everything it actually worth, which is a lot more then his that’s for fuxking sure…?
I don’t know of a way to get away from them without them doing damage to you. BUT I do know this, that staying with them does further damage! So, it is a double whammy. It is sad about the son, especially if you see him as your son, and have close connections. You have to think of your own sanity and losses. When you think about leaving, create a plan. Make sure that you tell those who are close to you the truth, keep your circle small and expect to lose friends. Expect the worst from him and you will be almost there, and likely you would never know half of what he has done to you (and how he gets off on that fact). Your best bet is if he runs off with someone else, as his attention is elsewhere…..
This is for Staci. Please walk away now. He is crazy making with you. Keeping you on a string – laying down rules of what is ok and what is not all for his liking nothing about what is good for you. I’m begging you – leave this loser alone. Delete his number, turn your phone off at night – whatever it takes to separate yourself from him. You know this is not how one person should treat another. He pulled you in by being that great guy and then flipped the script. This is classic behavior. The more you work to try to back in his good graces the more he will torment you. They get a kick out of watching people squirm. The more you try to please, the more he will actually be disgusted by you. Say this out loud F him! Or “to hell with him” if that is more your style. Say it over and over again until you own it. Get away from him like he’s on fire.
I was incredibly confused for 4 months, trying to put everything I saw and felt, all the pieces together. Then he had ONE crucial mask slip that gave it all away. We were arguing (as always) about politics. He said he was conservative, I asked “what about the poor people?” and he said “Who gives a shit? I would KILL 100 poor people.” What? Such a lack of empathy. That was when it clicked in my brain. The crucial piece of evidence tying everything together.
I looked it up; everything fit. It was like memories of everything he ever said and did rushed through my mind and linked to what I was reading. The flattering, the manipulation and gas lighting, the criticism, the “strong connection” (snigger), the massive ego and general lack of emotion apart from anger and saltiness. A VERY important piece of information was delivered to me by my intuition in the nick of time. Needless to say I broke everything off the next day. i actually felt happier than before. 🙂 He hadn’t been around me long enough to really damage me, which I am thankful for.
I’m in his class at school and we have mutual friends so its very awkward, but now I am free and unscathed enough to find myself REAL love and a truly fulfilling relationship.
This is great that you are free! 🙂
Currently realising i am either in a toxic relationship or im with a sociopath
Im so tired of the fear, the control, the paranoia, the victim card and the blame game but i am possibily blinded by the good traits my partner has, or am i simply just reminiscing over the start of the relationship.. it was so strong and powerful at the start….. or am i the sociopath for thinking he is a sociopath…as you can tell, im still trying to work it all out, and it makes it so much harder when im 6 months pregnant,
Overthinking to the max and added hormones to the already emotional rollercoaster
Omg I feel totally the Same its a living hell daily I’m so tired
Reminising over rhe start. Thats how they reel you in, then blame you for the demise so you are constantly trying to adjust your behavior and reactions to make things good again or keep the peace. You MUST come to realize that the beginning was not real. It was an illusion. What you are experiencing now IS real.
I got this too was our first date together in London so special. ……
I mean is there a degree where they all go to college to play these games it’s fucking nuts….
You would think so.. right?
Well i always do attract these women unfortunately which is very Scary.
😦 Sorry The Truth. Why not spend some time on your own, and fix you? I know it can take a LONG time to heal and recover.
Reading this is eye opening. I knew I was in a relationship that had unhealthy aspects. I knew that he was abusice emotionally/verbally and sometimes physically (increasing as time goes on of course).. but I struggled to know and find that missing piece of “why”.
Why would/ could treat me like this? I was a professional, independent, slight perfectionist, biggest heart women out there like most of the victims sociopaths pick, at least to begin with. I literally gave up my happiness, financial security, personal values for things I loved (Music and friends, family), just to fit into what I thought he wanted me to be as he molded me just to have no empathy and walk away.
We met when I was 19 and he was 21, we dated for 6 months or so. He had a few bad habits(putting me down in front of his Friends randomly, such as making fun of my clothes or whatever didn’t please him at that moment; wanting me to quit nursing school so I could make a family with him) that i didn’t like and agree with so it eventually ended in us breaking up.
Fast forward 3 years. I did think of him on and off. There was something so deep about our connection I just couldn’t describe. It’s like an unfillable hunger, draw, a need, ‘knowing’ he was my soul mate.. and maybe we just weren’t at the right place at the right time the first time around.
I finished school, started my career.. he dated another girl after we broke up. She ending up pregnant and they had their daughter but were broken up/ separated by the time she was 1. We came back into each other’s lives about half a year later. When he was “trying to find himself “. I had just got out of a relationship and wasn’t ready to move so quickly. His feelings of infatuation and love were so strong at first. Any sign of hesitation I had, he seemed to take it as the biggest insult ever. I was just trying to build a solid foundation. I guess that’s Not what sociopaths want. He wanted to woo me over again to get a free ride basically. He did it so well.
So we started dating (even though he had been caught talking to other females, while I was doing everything to be the best mom I could for his daughter, with absolutely no remorse or guilt. That’s what should have been the red flag. No real feelings. It’s hard to tell when people are good at lying I guess ??
So I am 3 years into this relationship. He wooed me and asked, begged talked about how he wanted his family.. so we had a son together. I also got him a dog right before I found out I was pregnant. I took on all these responsibilities. He used me for years. He even got a DV against me and we sstill saw eachother with a no contact order (this is before the talk of baby), a DUI and lost his license so I’ve been driving him around to everything he needs to get done, for the sake of my family.
After reading this I am realizing I won’t get any closure from him, which is what I so desperately keep clinging to, hoping he can explain why I deserved everything he did. He acts like the victim becusse of the outbursts I have had… but how do you respond wih compassion and love when the person you’re giving it to tears you Down and beats you up until there is no self esteem or anything left ?
Then I get called psycho by his friends and get told I’m a unfit parent becusse basically I had PTSD now and am coping the best I can with our beautiful 11 month old.
I am so heartbroken he could use me and throw me away, ignore my feelings, like literally ignore until I push or cry so much he is angry and agitated at me.. when all I feel Is hurt.
Then I see he may be a sociopath… I’m so scared for the future of our relationship and our sons.
I don’t know how to navigate. I know reading the comments everyone says to get a way. I don’t know how to walk away with out having my son see his father. I do still love him and have this sad sad hope that that connection we felt was real.. and that maybe he can give our son that.
But at the same time I have also failed in protecting myself and my son from him already. I have Post parting depression PTSD, I cry every day and feel so incapable.
When I think of how he’s told me to kill myself before when I was trying to be real how I felt, it makes me so ANGRY. Thenhis frienss when they are upset me when becusse I am calling him out and not letting him do this to me, say they hope I die and my son would be better off without me ???
What is wrong with people or is this me ??
It’s you. But don’t be offended. It is many, if not most human beings who want to feel loved, even if we haven to invent what “love” is. You should get a divorce, and have zero contact with any of those friends of his, or his family. Your son needs more to be raised by a healthy adult, than to have this kind of father, and associations. Once you can legally take your son and move, that would be best. If lucky, an understanding judge might refrain from granting visitation from the father. Have nothing to do with anyone who doesn’t have 100% faith in YOU, and who will support your ending this relationship. No texting or any of that either. If you don’t have people who are 100% supportive of your taking charge of your, and your son’s life, and it means coming to a site like this for it – fine. Whatever it takes. From what you are saying, you have a very large group of people working very hard to destroy your soul, your mind, and your life. You DO NOT deserve this.
Wow, after reading this I can honestly say that I too fell into the trap. This girl used me and abused me for for almost a year, was very narcissistic, never felt remorse about anything, cheated lots of times, and the list goes on and on and on; this all happened so fast too, crazy right? I knew something wasn’t right but kept going until now. I guess experience is the best teacher. All I can say is if this is happening to you get out while you can. You’re not doing yourself any favors by this type suffering and quite frankly you’re not helping that person either by being with them. Call them out on their shit and leave. That’s the best thing you can do for them. It’s up to them to get the help that they need so they can become a better person. I hope this helps.
I approached a friends friend who was supposed to help me with my cat preparation and once I talked to him I found him to be very intelligent , chilled and smooth . He kept insisting to meet and finally I gave up , but when we did meet I even remember the exact moment when I started falling in love , it was those eyes of his and I forgot everything around me . I even forgot that i had a boyfriend . Days went by and I started getting more and more interested in him. In two weeks he said that he loved me and I said that I am committed and said goodbye. Three days later he calls me and asks if I missed him ,I said yes and the saga began from here . We used to talk easily 4 times a day , I screwed my concentration , my studies and my wellbeing for him . I broke up with my old guy because this new guy was apparently giving me everything that I always wanted from old guy . Things progressed quickly and although was a virgin ,I never made fuss about first time being special to me and all . Though I thought since I do like this guy so why not with him . There was no lovemaking , it was just sex. I dont remember him being sweet or nice in bed , there was just no love . He never asked me once whether everything was okay or not or that it was my first time and that how much of a big deal it was . He never understood that him being my first is such a big deal even though I dint show it. This is when I started getting hints that this guy isnt right for me . I remember sending I love you text to him and he did not respond to me , we even talked on phone but he dint reciprocate . I felt really bad but determined that i need to get off this relationship before it consumes me . And I did . I miss him , but thats better. Id rather pine over him than being with him.
There is nothing to pine over. He used his position to take advantage of you. It’s an old story. This guy sounds like a typical s_ _ thead, and not necessarily a sociopath. But whatever you are missing from him — you are justified in being angry, but don’t like that consume you either. Get back into your studies and your well-being. Ok?
So how exactly do you get back at a sociopath ex? Do you let him know you know the kind of person he is or do you just walk away. I did no contact with mine twice for 30 days each time.. I noticed when I pulled away he started trying to manipulate me into talking with him and chase after me. ..but as soon as I show even the slightest interest it seems he has gotten his fix and he leaves for a few days and there after sends me a text ..If I respond he goes away again if I don’t he chases me by calling and calling. .I feel he just wants to keep me in the loop. . What do you guys think and how do I get back at him?
Just walk away. The best revenge is living well and being happy. Do not try to get back at him as this will keep you trapped and stuck engaged in the game.
Thank you for this website. I got duped by a SP almost 4 years ago now. I began to have my suspicions last year but only now can I see the truth. It is truly devastating. I had never heard the term sociopath before, I wish I had. Good luck to us all, I only hope this gets easier to come to terms with. I was depressed when I met him and he was the ultimate antidepressant! But it was all lies and now my depression is deeper than ever before. Please listen to “Big Picture” by London Grammar, it says everything.
Hi Gem, i am sorry that you are still hurting 4 years later. I am pleased you have found my site. The posts started in 2013 while he was still around. Often when he was carrying out the behaviour or hammering on my door. Have you tried therapy? It can be useful if you are struggling with moving on and still hurting.
Hi Gem,
Glad you found this site. I really does help. I had my brush with NS about 4 years ago as well and it does get better. You get stronger. You’ll find yourself coming here less and less. I come here now to hopefully be a beacon of hope to others and remind myself that those people are out there. I recently ran into my NS and it was sufficiently awkward mainly because of course he acts like we are long lost friends. I may be cordial but believe me I will never forget what I went through and will never go back there. Take care.
Thank you for your encouraging words tcarm. I haven’t seen him since I came to the realisation of what he is and what he did to me, and no doubt many others before me. I am full of anger, resentment and feel a fool. My last words to him were so simpering and pathetic, saying how I will always love him. He has no idea I have discovered what he is really made of and how I hate him. But like you say I know when I see him again (which is unfortunately inevitable) he will embrace me like a dear friend, and I will have to suck it up and put on a brave face as if nothing happened. Like smiling in the face of the devil. I expect in his warped head he thinks he still owns me, another trophy in his collection of broken hearts (Christina Perry – Jar of Hearts, so apt). It felt so much like real love, it happened so fast, and anytime I tried to leave he would start up the lovebombing again. Who knew there were people in the world who would even do something like this?!! I have been watching a lot of MTVs Catfish. It is a similar scenario of being conned into love except instead of being lied to by an anonymous person online the sociopath lies to our face!!! It has taken this experience for me to realise what real love is. And it is most certainly not what is fed to us by the sociopath – the fakery, the manipulation and the constant empty “I Love You’s”. It is being with someone who really loves you for you, and it may not always be joyous and like flying on air but having that person in your life who at the heart of it is a good person and a true friend with an actual human soul. That is worth a million stolen moments with a sociopath. It is a long road to recovery but I have to believe I will be stronger for it. And we here are already wiser -brought here by the truth we never wanted to face.
Sociopath – or what is this man’s pathology? I have a dear niece who met a man who, within three months, told her he wanted to marry her. She said no, but he has since proposed ten months later, and she accepted. He had been divorced for three years after 20 years of marriage and a number of now-grown children. My niece was not looking for a relationship, and is doing great with her career. From the start, the man was mirroring her. If she likes something, he likes it. If she doesn’t – he doesn’t – although that seems to be changing now. He seemed to have no personality of his own. It was very disconcerting to see how much he was like her – and of course he became like her as part of the mirroring pathology. She didn’t see this, and won’t admit it. I am certain he chose her because he needed a replacement wife, and that he checked her out as thoroughly as one can do via the internet to be sure that he was choosing someone who would make him look better by association. For some reason I cannot explain, my niece did not, and has not used the internet to learn more about him. If she did, she would see that all of his information claims him as a victim. It is highly peculiar that she has refrained from learning more about him, and strongly suggests that she knows he is wrong for her, but she won’t leave the relationship, which means something is off with her thinking in all this.
Everything in the original post applies to him, from what I can remember of that writing. He doesn’t have friends. He blames others when he is caught deliberately doing what he claims he does not do. He needed my niece to get what he wanted in terms of lifestyle and work – and that added acclaim that he gets from his association with her. He plays the role she wants him to – needs him to – but I see in their interactions that even affection – genuine affection – is one-sided. With him it is perfunctory. I don’t know why my niece has this apparent hole in her life that she has chosen to life in denial, but she has, and it breaks my heart and confounds me., but she did have a very traumatic medical problem that is at the root of all this, and like most women who face that level of medical trauma, physicians leave them in the dust once the crisis has passed. Maybe that’s it. I can only hope, that his act thins even more rapidly than it has begun to, as my niece doesn’t have any pathology, and I have faith that she won’t be able to keep up the denial once the veneer is gone. But will it happen before the marriage. There won’t be children forthcoming, so that is some comfort – great comfort.
My niece is not supporting him financially, but he is very peculiar in his financial and material choices. He wants the best, but often keeps the worst – or gets the best then walks away from it. He is high-maintenance AND very very low maintenance. I can envision his approaches quickly eroding everything my niece has built up for herself, and she won’t realize that its happening until she loses what she has.
I believe that he could be bought off, either through getting the fame he seeks, with all the trappings, or with a situation that would give him even more of what he is getting from being with my niece. Unfortunately, I don’t have those kinds of resources. Believe me when I say I’ve wracked my brain to think of anyone I know who could make him an offer he couldn’t refuse. I’d bet my last dollar that he’d take up the offer and leave her. I have been straight with my niece about my concerns, but there are times when I find myself walking a thin edge between being straight, and almost abetting, in my attempt to be supportive. – what if, in fact, I am completely wrong about all of this and I’m projecting my own fears? I don’t exclude that possibility – or I didn’t – until the latest bit of witnessed deflection of truth and action.
It doesn’t matter what psychiatric label would be applied to him, but if I can figure out more about his playing field, so to speak, maybe I can influence the plays a little bit. But I also worry about the flashes of anger I’ve seen in his eyes, and what this might predict as time passes. Is he a sociopath? Is he a narcissist that has additional pathologies. Or, is he just a narcissistic, opportunistic schmuck who is after a replacement wife. No matter what he is, and I doubt this will ever be ascertained, I hope my niece will ultimately be okay. I hope we all will be okay.
Dear Jane,
I had a relationship with a guy very similar to the one you describe. In fact, they sound almost identical ie they’ll all about status, ego and the challenge of getting what they want. Mine had money, a great career, was cultured, well traveled and could charm just about anyone.
You wonder how or why your niece doesn’t see the forest for the trees…
Well that’s easy to explain.
These types as noted in article, can be incredibly charming. They mirror their victims. Treat them like royalty. Compliment them. Make them feel like they are the most important person on earth. They appear to worship the very ground one walks on.
With the above behavior, the victim lets their hair down. Starts to believe these players are genuine. And commit to a permanent relationship. Mine proposed but thankfully, I did not marry him, but did let him move in with me. HUGE mistake …
Anyway, once the Sociopath gets you where they want you, all of the charming behavior changes. At least in private. On the outside they may still act like the perfect gentleman. They do this so your friends,social circle and status they covet will think they are wonderful. But behind closed doors, they are just the opposite…
By the time the bad behavior begins, you’re already hooked. And keep thinking the Sociopath will change and you make excuses for them.
They keep you hooked by going back and forth between treating you well and being abusive. You begin to lose confidence. Think you’re the one with a problem as they’re really good at convincing you of that.
So unless the victim has more to add to the Sociopath’s life, they’ll walk away. Maybe not in an obvious way at first, as they want to make sure they have their next victim/supply lined up. But once they make up their mind, the victim is toast, though they may not realize it at first.
I really feel for your niece and for you having to watch someone you care for being sucked into a relationship that you know will only end in pain.
Unfortunately, for your niece, nothing you say will change her mind as it sounds like she’s still being courted and put on a pedestal. When in that stage, it’s really difficult to convince the victim that the person who is showering them with non-stop positive attention, is not who they seem to be.
I had a couple of friends who tried their best to convince me and I thought they were jealous or nuts. How could this guy who treated me like a queen not be who he seems to be?
All you can do is be there for her when the sociopath shows his true colors. And when that happens, give her the link to this site. It’ll help tremendously. It won’t take away the pain. But it’ll help her understand things. I know it helped me. In fact, this site was a life saver, along with the couple of friends who warned me about my sociopath in the first place.
Btw, I was with my Sociopath for over 3 years and we’ve been apart now for about 2. I still see him from time to time as he lives in the area. He’s gone through several women now and each time I see him with one of them, I say a prayer for the gal and then thank God I’m no longer with him.
Good luck …
Hi Jane,
Just checking to see if there is any update on your niece’s situation.
Im still married to mine… Coming up on 7 years. He is all these things except for jealous. But everything else he is to a T… And we have a baby… I knew after the first 6 months of craziness what ye was….but thought i needed to forgive him. We got married after 3 months and yes he moved in with me after 1 month. I fell for it all. The lies about everything.hes on psych meds now for bipolar now he acts numb and dumb.
And i handle him … Not a fix but im still wrapped up in this whole sherade
😦 7 years Lisa, do you even know who you are anymore?
Nope. I dont have much identity anymore. I went thru my own phases with him. Love him hate him, wishing he would leave or die….
I keep being told by my sister that when i had enough i will leave him for good.. But 7 years …
I reminisce on ex boyfriends and they were all crazy too. I think im a magnet for these types. Caring, empathetic, sympathetic .
Lisa,
I read your post after this one and my hope for you is that you seek therapy for yourself so you can understand what attracts you to these types. You seem to have an idea (caring, sympathetic, empathetic) – also a bit co-dependent – no shame there just I feel the more you understand you, the closer you will get to moving on. You say you have a child with this person – I’m sure you want your child to be able to form healthy relationships in their life and kids learn so much from the actions of the adults around them.
I have been dating a guy who right from the start wanted me to be his girlfriend and showered me with attention that felt guenuine. I had my reservations and tried to not get too involved too soon. He persisted with charm and made feel like he and i had this unique and somewhat intense connection. He told me he loved me and would text and call alot just to compliment me and call me his queen. Eventually I let him into my heart believing this was guenuine and real love and he talked about how our future would be.
Then as soon as I told him i felt the same things changed. I found myself chading him and he would ignore me then message days later saying he had work to deal with. But then again real me in with love and attention.
Anyway long story short last week I book flights for myself to go with him to belgium next month as he is performing there ( he is a magician so guess he really is a master of illusion) and for two days he bombards me with texts and pictures and tells me he loves me, then the next day he dissapears!! Blocks me on all social media, whatsapp and ignores my calls and texts! This was litterally 3 days ago and I have been questioning everything. This article has put it into perspective for me and will maybe help me deal with the pain i have right now as he has showed a lot of these traits
Ellen,
Sorry this happened (or is happening) to you. Did you end up going to Belgium? I realize this post if from months ago but after reading it and based on experience, the first thing I thought was that you may not have been the only one he was performing this magic on (getting you to fall for him) and you willing to travel to see him perform may have meant worlds colliding and so he vanished. I hope he never reappeared and you moved on. Take care.
Is there any lasting help for a sociopath/psychopath? Psychological counseling; Electroshock therapy; swift kick in the groin? I grew next door to someone who seems to have these tendencies. If I had a way to beat him over the head with something to make him change I would try, but I don’t really think it would do any good. Any suggestions appreciated.
There is currently no known treatment that is effective. If you do a search, I did write a post on this topic.
The best advice I can offer is… run for the hills as fast as your feet can carry you.
And… don’t look back.
Tim,
Unlike other psychological conditions (schizophrenia, depression, bi-polar disorder) which may be treated with therapy and medication (although not perfect because it is still up to the person with the disorder to take treatment), there is no known treatment for disorders described as personality disorders (narcissism, sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies). If there was treatment, good luck getting them on board –
remember they think they are smarter than everyone else. There is still debate over whether someone is born with these traits or if the behavior is learned. Because there are degrees of these traits, I believe one is born with these traits to a degree but that sociological/familial conditions can contribute to increasing or decreasing these tendencies. Whether you have know this person for a long time or meet this person as a adult, best to keep your distance. At the very least they can be annoying, attention seeking, drama creating, and intrusive. At the worst, they can be dangerous.
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https://www.ipetitions.com/petition/liliths-law
This truly is not even funny. I was with a narcissistic sociopath for 5 years of my young adult life. 21-26. I have been stalked, suicidal, mentally tormented from this. I finally sought out help and was diagnosed with severe ptsd and panic disorder because I felt so unsafe in my environment after leaving, the fear from threats that he’d show up, (which he did at times), that it paralyzed me and made me an extreme paranoid case. Everyday I am in awe over the fact that I was so manipulated down to nothing. I no longer feel these things such as the paranoia or mental doubt of reality, questioning my sanity and self worth. I have somehow braved the storm of this sick, twisted mindset, and only want to extend a notion that if any other person feels this way, you are not alone, and there are steps you can take to get your life back (yourself back). This is not your fault at all. And you are not weak. You can make it to the other side.
Thank you to everyone who has shared their intimate stories and to the author of this website who may have saved me a great deal of grief. My story is very similar to everyones. It also presents a warning to everyone to be mindful of online dating. The beginning of our relationship was electric. He was very charming, smart and knew just what to say. I felt like I melted in his hands every time he touched me. We spent all of our free time together at my place, spoke on the phone very frequently and texted in between that. We spoke about everything from sports, politics to our dreams and wishes. He was very funny and could make me laugh very easily. Although he was a little older than me he could be very immature and childish in public – always in good fun. He shared very personal details about his very troubled childhood and traumatic experiences. I loved him and I wanted to help him even if it meant just talking to him. I was very happy to give him my undivided attention until it became too much. The need for attention was insatiable. Friends and family members began to complain of how little they saw of me. My grades in school also began to suffer. When I brought this forward he was understanding and would later let me know that he would be going out to see his exes while I was busy with others. This felt inherently manipulative to me. As our relationship progressed this kind of manipulation continued. I was taking Childhood Psychology in college and had covered a brief lesson on BPD and sociopathy in children. I read on key characteristics of sociopaths which were very similar to his: unstable in school (or work as adults – he always called in sick), charming, seemingly smart, lack of remorse. I looked into this further and came across this website. Everything rang true. Right down to the way he would stare at me. The warning of compulsive lying and cheating upset me most. It drove me to look through his phone and e-mails when he would leave the room. Sure enough – there they were. The messages from women on dating sites. I wondered how he had the time as he was supposedly at work when he was not with me. Sure enough – he did not have a job and had been unemployed for 6 months (to this day I do not know where he went in the morning or who he called in sick to). I decided to break everything off and established no contact. From that day forward, he grew more and more mentally unstable. I received messages with a range of excuses that went from it was “a misunderstanding on your end” to “I was embarrassed to admit that I am unemployed” to “it is your fault that I am seeing other women” down to a suicide threat. He incessantly called me, waited outside of my house and school for about a month. I had to get him trespassed from my building complex. When I last saw him after establishing no contact for a month it was clear that I would not take him back. The cool and collected mask had fallen off. I was not looking at my former partner. I was staring at someone that was truly insane. He called me names and made comments about how upset he was that he no longer had somewhere to stay, which was my suspicion as to why he would not just ‘let it go.’
Good for you for recognizing the “red flags” and getting out. It still amazes me how I can read someone else’s story and think “wait, did we date the same person?” Just goes to show you that these traits are ingrained – and probably won’t change. They need to turn on the charm in the beginning because they need things from you – attention, money, shelter. But the are so dark and ugly inside they can’t keep that going because it’s not who they really are. I’m glad you found out who he really was.
YES!! There were a few times, I had to check the IP address to see where the person was from as I was convinced that they were dating the person I was with. Only they would be in USA or somewhere else in the world, and I would know…. no… just robotic sociopathic behaviour.
Its ok we have not lost anything of value just remember that
Wipe the tears for it was just an illusion
Who we are will always be
Dont change
Dont hide your light
Forgive them for they know not what they do ok 🙂
Who we are cannot be damaged or changed 🙂
Keep radiating xx
Add Byron Barrenechea to the list. Helicopter pilot living in Dubai.
Beware of xxx. He ticks all the boxes described on this website. Especially compulsive lies. The most horrible lies he actually didn’t tell me but other women he was involved with – surgery, being in another country in the hospital with terrible disease :)) To me: “work” trips when in fact he would meet women even in other countries, people he met on adult or dating websites. Lots of fabricated detail to appear plausible (“I will work in a high security environment, I won’t be able to call, text or send messages”). It is hard to see beyond the charm but once you disengage emotionally and see the facts (and a sociopath hates to be seen in a bad light and he’ll move to another “virgin territory”, someone who thinks he is a semi god) then you’ll move on easier. In the end, you will be guilty for all his actions, a sociopath never feels guilty or admits he was wrong. All his actions are well justified. Talk to your friends. Seek counseling. Talk a lot about it. You’ll get feed back and reconfirm your sanity.
Hi Flora, I cannot allow other peoples names on here. I am sorry that you have been through this.
Well, everything in this basically sounds like my boyfriend soon to be ex. I was questioning all of this for awhile and my friend was pointing out all the signs to me but I was saying he was being irrational. Here’s my story..
I met this awesome guy online, he lived in Canada and me in the USA. We were both going through a rough time and we were basically comforting each other. We met each other in this “Heartbreak” discord channel. At first he came off really sweet, chill type of guy. Y’know someone I felt like I could talk to when I was down and I was pretty down then, my ex just broke up with me and I felt like my world was falling apart. Also he broke up with his ex so we were both just going through heartbreak.
We started talking every night. Just about random stuff and came to realize we had a lot of stuff in “common”. Or so I THOUGHT. He was interested in a lot things I was into, we had the same taste in music, he was interested in my drawings and wanted to know about everything to make it seem like he cared. I even opened up to him abt my traumatic past and was surprised how understanding he was. He also opened up to me about some events in his life which now I know was just so he could manipulate me into trusting him into making me think that he was a good guy.
Soo after about 1 1/2 months of us talking one night in some deep conversations we were having he admits that he’s afraid of falling in love with me and that he has feelings for me. Being that we both got out of serious relationships I was pretty hesitant about reciprocating his feelings even though I felt the same, but he was just ready to dive into this new relationship and he was already ready to come and visit me and everything. (Being long distance never bothered me btw if you can actually visit the person like once or twice each month)
So.. I do end up reciprocating his feelings and we start kind of acting like a couple without the title 2 months in. Everything was perfect until he told me that he was in love with me. Naturally, I didn’t believe it.. because I sure as hell wasn’t in love with him, but I did REALLY like him. I questioned him and was like “How can you be in love w me after 2 months and we haven’t even met?” And he went CRAZY on me. Started accusing me of me not trusting him and that maybe i’m not ready for a REAL relationship. I thought this was insane because all I asked was a question but I brushed it off as “Wow I must have really hurt his feelings” and me thinking that this was something real I apologize and we talk it out. Fast forward 2 months later, something similar happens..
So me being me, i’ve never been too confident sexually. But him being a sociopath, he has a huge ego and he believes that he’s this sex GOD. And ngl he is pretty attractive, and he knew it. So he tells me about his high lvls of testosterone and how he’s so sexually attracted to me and all he does is think about me sexually and that maybe I should send him some pictures. Nothing NUDE just something sexual. I tell him “Maybe :P” Because honestly, i’m not comfortable with that, we weren’t even dating. So after awhile of a bunch of maybe’s he gets mad at me and tells me “Maybe you should be with someone who requires 0 intimacy then. You’re the only girl i’m devoted to and you can’t even help me out with a simple picture. I’m not asking for nudes, I just want one picture of SOMETHING”. And then this whole thing blows up and he accuses me of not being a nice person and he’s never had a relationship like this where it takes this long to be intimate even though we weren’t even dating at the time. I told him he should be more patient and considerate to the fact that i’m uncomfortable. I mean isn’t that what you do for someone that you claim to be “in love” with? Well at the end of that whole argument he decides that he wants to cut me out of his life until I say “Alright, I’ll do it”. And he says “You’re going to help me out?” and I say “Yes, i’ll send the picture”. And the next day I do send the picture. Me being naive I tried to blow it off as he really just wants to be intimate with me and maybe I should be more confident with him because obviously he is attracted to me and he is a man who has needs.
So fast forwarding to the current situation, we started dating and told each other that “we were in love” with each other and he’s coming to visit me next month for a week.
Well, last night we got into a disagreement about what movie we wanted to watch or what we wanted to do, because he was in the middle of a move so we haven’t had time to hang out or basically do too much except text. Which wasn’t a problem for me, I would jokingly say that you’re not spending time with me but that was just me being silly. I really didn’t care that he needed time to move and sleep.
So I call him that night and he tells me “You’ve been nothing but stressful this whole entire move”. Which kinda surprises me because I don’t see where I was stressful. All we did was text and at no point was I upset with him. Then fast forward AGAIN, we got over that little argument and we get on the topic of self harm. (idk how we got there but we would have random convo’s usually) and he said “People who cut their wrist from side to side are looking for attention”. And I told him “Y’know I use to slit my wrist right..” and he goes “Did you really?” and I was like “Yes I told you about this like months ago..” and he tried to play it off like “Oh no you told me something different”. and one thing about me is that I have a good memory, I remember things from far back word for word. That topic that was “traumatizing” for me in our early conversations was self harm.. and when I told him about it at first, he was “completely” understanding and was so sorry that I had to go through something like that and he didn’t think that it was something I was doing for attention.. so when I tell him “That’s not what you said earlier.. do you really not remember this conversation?” and he just goes “No”. and then all of the sudden he gets upset at me and says “Can we get off the phone now?” And I go “Why?” and he accuses me of all night trying to start an argument, all DAY I’ve been trying to argue with him when all I did was ask him a question, so I just decide I can’t deal with this and just hang up on him. The next morning he texts me ” I don’t want to be arguing all day :\” I text him back and we talk about what happened last night and ofc when I start making sense he deflects it back onto me and makes it seem like im bad at communicating and that there’s no communicating with me, even though we were TRYING to communicate then..
So now he’s ignoring me which I really don’t care at this point. I’m just going to block him. He is extremely toxic and immature person with a huge ego and also he lacks 0 empathy. He once told me if he walked in and saw his family butchered he would be able to get over it and that people nowadays are too “sensitive”. He also told me that if we got married he wouldn’t want my mother to live with us if she got older and that we should put her in a resting home which I was NEVER going to do. He also doesn’t want me to have guy friends, and he tried to justify it by saying he has 0 female friends.
So that’s my experience with a sociopath I met online, who WAS planning to come visit me next month and “sweep me off my feet” and “Look into my eyes”. He always said he was big on eye contact and that when we met he was going to stare into my eyes which I told him would make me uncomfortable af, which is WOULD. It kinda sucks that I let myself get manipulated over this guy, but at least now I know that he is a sociopath and he is incapable of seeing his wrongs, lacks empathy, only uses his partners, he can never truly LOVE someone.. Sociopaths only love THEMSELVES.
Hopefully this story helps someone else point out the signs!