Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!

It can be hard to sink in that Mr or Mrs Perfect that you have been dating is actually a sociopath. You might search the internet looking for answers. You come up with a list of traits from the DSM about sociopaths, and you question is he/she really a sociopath? You read the list, and still you are not sure, after all he/she was just so ‘nice’. Yes you have started to discover things, but you are still not sure, you are confused.

The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Whilst not a comprehensive list, these traits show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath.

1. Charismatic and charming

For the sociopath, image is everything. At least the image that he/she gives to the outside world. When you first meet, you will be bowled over at just how charismatic and charming he/she is. He will constantly flatter you. Sometimes this will seem false to you, He/she might tell you how incredible that you look. You know that this isn’t true. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life.

Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you.

His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life.

Superficial and glib casanova

2. Superficial and glib

A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself.  The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show.

You might witness him/her being one person with a certain person, and somebody completely different with somebody else. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril.

The sociopath will say anything. They will say things to you, that you have already told them. This is designed to build trust, so that you think that this person knows and understands you really well. They make false empty promises, waste your time, and say things that they have no intention of ever coming true.

3. Lack of connection to their past

It is often too late and you are emotionally involved, by the time that you realise you haven’t met anybody from his past. He/she often moved to your city/town for work reasons, or some other excuse. Or maybe you met online. At first it doesn’t occur to you that you have never met anybody of significant importance to him. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses.

Most people do not meet others close in the very initial stages of a relationship; it’s usually an intimate time. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to?

Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.

Lack of connection to their past

4. Huge ego

All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are with the opposite sex (but how they have chosen you, because you are special). They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed.

They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self.

Huge Ego

5. They play victim

Of course, if the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He can tell tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him (who you have never met, and most likely never would).

His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. It will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will also encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities.

 Plays victim

6. They want to spend ALL of their time with you  – showers you with attention and flattery

At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world.  They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day.

At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. You wish that he/she had his own family and friends to spend time with. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love.

Wants to spend all of their time with you, bombards you with 'love' and 'affection'

7. Sexual charisma and magnetism

All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth.

A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone.

Has great sexual charisma, and stamina in bed.

9. They are compulsive pathological liars, manipulative and deceptive

Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth.

The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings.

When caught in a lie a sociopath will always

  • ·         Change the subject
  • ·         Blame someone else
  • ·         If pushed will become angry, and point out your shortcomings, but rarely will he ever admit to the lie.

The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more.

A sociopath can go to great lengths to cover for his lies. An example of this, is someone who ‘fakes’ going to work every day, so that they can live off of you for free, whilst they are (fictitiously) waiting for pay.


10. Lives like a parasite

Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. Often a sociopath will see YOU as his/her career option. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour. He tells lies, so that you think that he isn’ t just some dead beat loser. He will talk of business plans, or a great career, and that maybe he is just temporarily down on his luck. But he sells you a good, honest moralistic man, with great prospects (it is all a lie).

Sociopaths love getting anything for free. They see this as ‘winning’ and it makes them feel good. It makes them feel good for two reasons.

  1. It shows how stupid other people are (and therefore how clever they are)
  2. It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment.

All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Even high functioning sociopaths like certain politicians, who put in false claims for expenses and live off a great life at the tax payers’ expense.


11. Comes on strong and moves fast

If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible.

If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people (which might be negative towards him), and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for.

fast lane

12. Seems to have so much in common with you, appears a ‘soulmate’ connection

A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.

You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.

If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be.


13. Socially isolates you

One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence.

Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign.

In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else.


14. Is very dramatic

Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They do not mind having dramas or who sees them doing this, as they simply ‘do not care’. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change.  Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Sociopaths LOVE drama. they are drawn to it like magnets. If there isn’t any drama, well they will create some.


15. Lack of life plan and long term goals

Some sociopaths work (high functioning ones), but low functioning ones do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they lose their jobs, or have a history of trouble in the workplace. Unless given an easy route for working, many sociopaths think that work is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change and get a job. But this is not very likely.

They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true.

A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future.


 16. Immaturity

Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from the past and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for other human beings. The sociopath has no real care for the rights of others. But he may feign care, if he thinks that it is to his advantage. If he thinks that showing care will lure you in, or seduce you, or manipulate you, he will act responsible and caring.

Like a teenager, the sociopath is demanding (masked with charm), and very selfish. They only think of their own needs (what is in it for me)? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them.


17. Predatory stare

Ok, they don’t all look THIS crazy…. but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville – definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.

Ok, they don't all look THIS crazy.... but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville - definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.

It is not just the ‘stare’ (see above) The sociopath also comes up CLOSE.  It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. You can literally feel like you are ‘prey’. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! At first, this is flattering, later into the relationship it can feel ‘suffocating.

18. Will always blame someone else – lack of remorse, guilt or shame

When a sociopath has had a sociopathic, narcissistic meltdown (remember most of the time he has his mask on), you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this.

When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. Usually when the sociopath is behaving this way, he is often in ruining stage and just will ‘not care’. There will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions.

The sociopath is never to blame, everything will always be somebody else’s fault. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.

19. Jealousy and paranoia

The sociopath is extremely jealous and paranoid. Will accuse you of things that you haven’t done (that often they have done). You will feel that you are constantly defending yourself against false accusations.

Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are


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387 thoughts on “Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!”

  1. I have tried to leave n he makes me feel bad he has told some horrible lies to keep me with him
    He always worms his way bk in

    1. Sociopaths are prolific liars, and will always tell lies to manipulate and control you. Not only do they lie to you, they lie about you. So even if they are being kind and smiling to your face, you can guarantee that they are about you lying behind your back.

      1. Well said. When you feel like you’re holding on to the back of someone’s shirt tail it doesn’t feel good. It feels so much better when you’re with someone who’s reaching out to you and taking your hand in his. When a man really loves you you’ll know it.

      2. I guess thats their hallmark the lies and the back stabbing. They just cant be genuine when they find someone to take advantage of. I find they hang out with others who are like this or people who turn a blind eye. Some people just dont see it because they haven’t been targeted as maybe they dont have anything they want. One of their friends of the people who targeted me came to my place of work and gave me the stare down. I figured he thinks im easy now and giving me this to gain my interest as I know how they talk about me. Now I read this is a sociopathic sign. Whatever I just stared right back. Im doing well and dont care about creeps.

      3. That’s not true. I am a sociopath and I do not talk badly about the person I am with behind their back.

    2. Well, I definetly have this, pretty much to the extreme. Being an attractive young woman it is often challenging not to hypnotise people and god I do it well, have a following and make sure they are there, it feels out of my control. I found giving up booze and coffee has helped stabelize my actions. Being honest is almost impossible, it’s just a reaction. I am aware now, it has taken many year. It was very bad even as a child. I’m working on understanding other peoples emotions and views and would love to be able to have a real relationship one day. Real feelings are hardly felt. My sex addiction and manipulation is easing, wow it’s been a ride. In my art I find the real person lies.

      1. My girlfriend is like this. She has a line of guy “friends”, and she always tells me they want to kiss her, love her, are jealous of our relationship, etc. Even though I’m with her, sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m just another one of them in her collection that she strings along. Like you she’s a real knockout too.

    3. It only gets worse. My guy is sociopath or psychopath and he hit me but said I hit him. Guess who went to jail? Me bec he’s a GOOD talker. And he’s 7 inch taller than me with some military training. Liar liar liar, put me down all the time tho I’m pretty. Cheated on me like 5 times. I never put up w that before. And always much older women with money, who weren’t that pretty. He made me feel like trash. It cost 4500 for a lawyer. I didn’t feel loved. Spent 1000s on him in 3 years. He didn’t appreciate it at all. Angry, wanted me to give. More always more. I couldn’t give him enough sex to make him not cheat. I pray to God he didn’t give me Hep or Aids. I’m a good Christian woman not a floosy. Thought we would get married, he kept pushing . That was a lie. Just wanted free place to stay, money++++,sex, put me down, talk bad about me, cheat, throw me I n the trash. You Can’t make them happy. You will want to die like I did want to. SAVE YOURSELF. RUN RUN RUN

      1. My Ex is a Sociopath. WE SPLIT 2 months ago. He’s currently sleeping with my sister (who also is a sociopath )! Yep. You heard me right. My sisters bedroom is right next to mine. I was torn up for a minute. But, if “Karma” can do its thing, welI, i figure THEY DESERVE ONE ANOTHER .. I HeaRD a song it’s pretty intense, the woman is singing to her boyfriends future girlfriend, the main verse is all I remember. She was singing: RUN, RUN. Kinda wish somebody would’ve told me that.

      2. Coria, I have just been through the same circumstances.. this guy is 40 and hits on women in their early 50’s. I’ve been told I’m so much prettier than the women he would cheat on me but I knew they had something I didn’t…whether it was more money, better vehicles or whatever. He was very condescending and would hang up on me if we were on the phone, EVERY time! I felt so ugly and disrespected at his horrible words and he always had a third person that he made sure I found out about and I would measure myself to her. It was like he thrived on it. I tried to contact her and her daughter to let them know the horrible triangle we were all in but he was such a smooth talker that they would not even give me the time of day. Needless to say, I cut off all communication with him and she is still be suckered in to his games. He would say she was ugly and he didn’t love her but she was in his bed every night. Killed me. It has taken a while and many prayers of good friends to help me be strong and not give into his whining and begging to come back. He is evil to the core and had a history of physically abusing a former girlfriend, so I don’t know how I ever got sucked in and over looked all of the red flags about him. Best wishes to all those who have encountered men or women like this. It is mentally damaging to tolerate such disrespect.

      3. Agreed!! Your story is exactly like mine almost to a T except for the court case. But yes abuse and then claiming I hit him first. What a freaking piece of trash these people are. I literally ran away as well-I was willing to die rather than be with him. If you see signs o f this in your partner – please please leave before you get hurt!! These people are a disease who suck the life out of you emotionally physically and mentally. I’m a christian woman too and I am starting to think that many psychopaths may have sex addictions too. After I left I realized how many times he cheated on me-so repulsive. It’s all on him now though-I finally have peace in my days!!

      4. Coria, I’m so glad you got out!! Beware to anyone that leaves-these people will SAY AND DO AND Promise YOU THE WORLD AND CRY LIKE A BABY JUST TO GET YOU BACK SO THEY CAN USE YOU AGAIN!! Please please stay strong-it’s all a freaking lie!! They will go right back to being the inhumane person they are. Block ALL NOT SOME, ALL!!, communication from them and from their family!! They will use everyone they can to get back the lifestyle they want. Don’t live a life filled w fungus like these people. They need help and you don’t deserve to be treated like crap bc of someone else’s lack of wanting to fix themselves. 6 years of a living hell and lies to write a 5 star movie-I shit you not. The stuff that happened to me HASNT even been made into a movie yet!! Get out NOW!!

    4. Louise, My wife and I split up 5 months ago, or 9, or a year ago. Whichever one fits her lies. We went a marriage counselor tonite, and I came home and have been thinking about his all night long.I read this article and others to refresh my memory of the hell we had. She says she wants to be different and we can be happy. But after reading these articles, I just don’t believe she is capable. Its ironic that she got ahold of me after a female friend put a pic of her and I on FB, and I know she saw it. So from one to another, I hope you get the strength and courage to leave. Don’t buy into the lies, there are people out there who do care about you, and you can find better, and will eventually. Being alone is better then being in hell. Good luck

      1. I am so very glad I found this site!!! I’ve been punishing myself for doing something wtong or being overweight. I just realized that it didn’t matter how pretty I was or how clean my kitchen was…… wud never b enough!!! My ex is iterally a text book sociopath. Wow!! I feel more free and lighter than I could have thought possible just 2months ago;. Thank you!! I know my thoughts seem scattered and disorganized, but I am literally in shock that there are other women that share my same experiences.

    5. Run, please, run fast. I had one of these and they are scary as shit. You begin to wonder if you are the problem. For your own safety and life. You deserve better. Change your phone number, block him, do what you have to do. But, end it.

      1. I just experienced a 2 month intense fast paced “soulmate” relationship (met on online) that ended after I confronted him about a background check. 4 wives still technically married etc…Came on strong and too good to be true. He fit almost everything in this article. Im a smart woman but we all hope ‘the one” is out there. Glad i got out before I introduced him to my kids.

      2. I was here to I would leave actually moved to a new state and he made me feel like his life wasn’t the same without me their he made me feel like I needed to come back because how could someone love me this much and I went through his phone to find out that he loved others too lol so after 20 months of being together non stop I found the strength to finally get out but looking back three months ago I never seen myself actually being able to get away but I was getting torn apart from all the accusing and assuming I was always up to no good even when I was with him all day and five seconds apart going to the store or something I would get asked who did you see see any boyfriends while you was gone and I would come back with what I needed plus a bag full of his favorite things and he was too interested if I seen anyone interesting while I was gone for 30 min it was actually making me feel as if I did something wrong and I never even text anther guy eventually things turned for the worst and he attempted to harm me and my family and now I have an order of protection and for the first time I have had no contact with him and it’s the absolute only way to get out of this is to completely cut off all contact and it’s hard as hell but you seriously have to!!!

    6. I was here to I would leave actually moved to a new state and he made me feel like his life wasn’t the same without me their he made me feel like I needed to come back because how could someone love me this much and I went through his phone to find out that he loved others too lol so after 20 months of being together non stop I found the strength to finally get out but looking back three months ago I never seen myself actually being able to get away but I was getting torn apart from all the accusing and assuming I was always up to no good even when I was with him all day and five seconds apart going to the store or something I would get asked who did you see see any boyfriends while you was gone and I would come back with what I needed plus a bag full of his favorite things and he was too interested if I seen anyone interesting while I was gone for 30 min it was actually making me feel as if I did something wrong and I never even text anther guy eventually things turned for the worst and he attempted to harm me and my family and now I have an order of protection and for the first time I have had no contact with him and it’s the absolute only way to get out of this is to completely cut off all contact and it’s hard as hell but you seriously have to!!!

    1. I thought oh well to and he got to the extreme 20 months into it I almost lost my life and it took that to walk away I’m telling you run its a death trap

      1. How do you know if he’s a sociopath. I feel like I’m going crazy after the torchur maybe its me .

  2. I have been married to what I now understand,was a narcissistic psychopath. I graduated to dating another psychopath. That ended.
    Recently, I met a guy who is clearly crazy. I think psychopath, but in a criminal vein. I am glad I live in another state, and am hoping he takes my lack of response as the dating to be over. Thoughts?

      1. I agree you can run right into the arms of another one if still reeling and vulnerable enough. Makes one really appreciate a good man again when you find out how awful some are. There’s some pretty nasty women too who fit this disorder and will try to ruin you with their “friendship”. I think its fascinating how the truth of their personality reveals itself in all its glory when you’ve outlived your purpose to them. Suddenly you’ve gone from a sweetheart to a demon. And you find out your feelings were never even a consideration for them you were just a play toy. It doesn’t matter if you knew them for years as a friend before being intimate . It will feel worse than any other break up because on their part it was never real and they will show no mercy. So instead of two people sadly saying goodbye because it didnt work out you’ll suffer another painful blow by the mask coming off and a rude, callous, contemptuous stranger has taken the place of who you thought was loving you back. When you see that walk away. Dont seek closure . In my experience when I tried to get that or wanted to vent my anger I was emotionally abused beyond the pale and called a whore and worse. Find a good man and make your life whole again for yourself and move on to better things. You’ll get nothing from these types they’re impossible to reason with because they dont feel empathy which I believe is a major component of love. Theyre the losers not us. Dont let them win. Take your life back along with your dignity.

      2. That is true. It is a good idea to give yourself time to heal. Believe me these people are incapable of love.

      3. i totally agree. i dated a sociopath but at time i didnt know i was promised me the world gave me that stare all of this article is him… they make you feel like this is real love… he dropped me like a hot potato when i confronted him with stuff i found online, arrests heroine = and i also found out he was cheating…. we dated only three months but it was face paced he wanted to marry move in etc. i still think about all his words to me daily and can’t wait until he leaves my mind!!! run is right if you know you’re with a sociopath!!!

  3. I feel really confused. For some reason the idea that he’s a sociopath just occurred to me a week or so ago, and all the lists I’ve seen are partially true. Like, he fits maybe seven of these.

    The thing is that everything that happened between us during the first two weeks or so was on the nose. Being a college freshman (he’s a sophomore), I was in a particularly vulnerable position, especially since I had gone through a lot senior year and really needed some guidance. He was extremely charming, witty, and intelligent. We spent the first maybe 26-27 hours together, RIGHT after we met, (we pulled an all-nighter talking), and we pretty much interacted with no one else during that time. He told me all about his sad childhood, how he had no friends in high school and no friends in his class year, either (which I guess was his excuse for being at a freshman mixer). And of course, he told me, unprompted, how he got into a car crash when he was three that left him with mild brain damage–one component of that brain damage was a case of mild autism, so that was why he had bad social skills (that whole story sounds SO sociopathic to me now). He texted me asking to hang out for the next three days in a row, and while I was getting a little burnt out, he flattered me so much when we were together that I never minded hanging out with him. And finally, once I was sufficiently obsessed with him, he became cold.

    But since that point, he’s done so many things that I’ve just never heard of in all other accounts I’ve read of people who dated sociopaths. When I was having a breakdown because I hadn’t yet adjusted to the college workload, he helped me study and calm down…and then sat me down and told me bluntly (but gently) that I really had to get my act together because it wasn’t going to get easier. He didn’t flatter me, and he didn’t pick on me–he just told it like it was. As the semester continued, I became obsessed with him to a point where it wasn’t healthy. He would always ask me if I had other friends–not to pick on me, but out of (genuine?) concern. I was also really clingy, and to make a long story short I really tested his boundaries. I just feel like if he were a full-blown sociopath, he would have used my obsession with him to his advantage and totally destroyed me (e.g., “She likes me so much that she’s inviting herself into my room? Well, I’m sure I could easily convince her to…stay the night.”). But he didn’t–he stood his ground and told me that the way I was acting was inappropriate and actually a bit disconcerting.

    And now, he seems to be trying to help. He calls me out when I do things like shrink myself in his presence or let him do all the talking. He’s urged me on at least three occasions to go to the counseling center when I’ve had problems that he can’t help me with. And he seems to be helplessly trying to get me to stop being so scared and timid around him. I feel sort of petty telling my story next to everyone else’s, and also, I know we never actually “dated,” so maybe this comment is out of place, but I’m just trying to make sense of this. Can sociopathy explain any of his above behaviors? Does he just have sociopathic tendencies?

    1. Hi welcome to the site. He might be telling you the truth. Have you looked into autism? Maybe aspegers? People with autism can be high functioning and can miss empathy too but their aim is not to ruin people.

      I thought when I read your story sociopaths are braggers and love to tell you how popular they were at school they don’t usually have a problem mixing. People with autism do.

      Maybe do a search for aspergers? Or read autism?

      Sociopaths are charismatic and charming. They get on with everyone they are not socially awkward and make friends easily.

      People with autism are all of the above. The only real common trait they share is that they struggle to understand others emotions (autism) sociopaths see it understand it enough to manipulate it, but they don’t feel it. .

      Hope this helps.

      1. It is quite possible for someone to be both a sociopath, & have Aspergers. It is also possible for a sociopath to use Aspergers/Autism as an excuse for cruel or antisocial behaviours. It’s just part of gaining sympathy, & another excuse for being a narcissistic, predatory individual.
        I’ve just finished 13 months of being stalked, group stalked (yes they are persuasive!), cyber stalked, & trash talked when I called him out in public on his behaviours. This man refers to himself as, ‘Self Diagnosed” with Aspergers. He claims that the cost of an adult diagnosis is very high, & his brother said that he fit the Autism Spectrum criteria!(I guess it was kinder than calling a brother a sociopath?)
        We had no relationship in any way, just a little bit of flirting. (flirting is supposed to be difficult for people on the Autism spectrum-? Not in his case though….

      2. Yes your right people with aspergers dont really flirt as they are very direct people. They take things literally and while having as equally sharp a mind as the sociopath they are honest and do not use others for their own gain.

    2. It sounds like his “help” is him trying to get information out of you. He’s asking if you have other friends to see if there’s anyone else he has to eliminate from your life. His critiques are insults meant to erode at your self-esteem. DON’T tell him about your other friends or you will end up losing them too. I seems the relationship is in the middle stage…his actions will quickly progress to a point where his manipulative ways will become obvious. Just don’t let him tear down your self-esteem, stay aware of what’s going on around you, and don’t disclose,any outside relationships to him

      1. he may be setting YOU up as having emotional problems and then use it against you later. They can brainwash you into thinking you aren’t right and you have problems. doesn’t sound good as most men don’t push for counseling etc..

    3. You can’t get autism from a car accident. You are born with it. I was married to a narcistical sociopath for 18 years and I am still going through shit with him in court. GET OUT AND RUN for the mountains. As soon as you hear or see one lie get out!

      1. I agree, get out and run…took me four years to get my ex husband out – and his lies continue, he takes no responsibility and the story he constructed makes him out to be the victim. But he was the perpetrator!!!
        It hurts, its confusing, but two things got me through – a good therapist and an good lawyer – they kept me sane and aligned with reality, not the crap the sociopath was spinning. The trouble now is I don’t want to date another one!!! being very careful.

    4. If he is a sociopath, he is waiting to go in for the “kill”! Keep your eyes and ears OPEN! Beware. Find OTHER FRIENDS and people to support you. DON’T give your soul to ANYONE! Hold on to and take care of YOU!!! Your GUT will tell you the truth! LISTEN TO IT! It doesn’t lie…God bless!

  4. I just got out of a very intense relationship that started out fast and strong and ended with me being ignored and discarded because he said I told him what to do. He made mutual friends ignore me too or get his permission to respond to me when I did nothing and was being given the silent treatment. I’ve been ignored before for no reason following a miscarriage. The only time I could get any. type of response fron him was if I threatened. to tell others about his begavior. Then he would respond and always condescendingly, with an aplogy that seemed fake. He seemed. to be my soulmate. We had everything in. common. We planned to marry soon. My life is in disarray because I believed him and planned to move cross country to his home state. Im devastated and he doesnt care. He says he does but his actions say different. I dont know what to do. Now I find out he was chatting with other women. I cannot describe the pain Im in right now.

    1. the SAME EXACT THING happened to me! came on really strong, super flattering, made ,me feel so special to be with him. he had me in a long distance relationship for two years and had to know where i was every minute of the day. he could do stuff. but i couldn’t. he would build me up and tear me down. when something horrible would happen he would break up with me. but then come back when it was over talking about change and counseling. but no regret for abandoning me. he would take me on beautiful trips and have the best of everything and really cared what others thought. he promised marriage and a future and a baby. he promised to move here several times but when he didn’t id get another trip somewhere. he would tell me how it was all the time. sometimes in a nice way. but sometimes just to be mean. he would take painful memories i would confide in him and use them to tear me down. sometimes his need to hurt me would become so obvious that instead of pain instead of denial. he rarely talked bout me to his close family. wouldn’t acknowledge me as his girl friend on Facebook. a year later when he finally did people didn’t even know about me. when i threatened to leave him he moved to live with me and it was perfect. then after a month told me he had to go back to get his stuff and he would send for me to come help him and drive back. and he did. i told everybody that he was for real and said he loved me and the kids and i would prove all of them wrong. when i got their no one even knew about our plans. as i told them he went along with it. we packed and set the alarm to head home in the early morning. he asked me to go for a drive and my heart started beating fast. on the ride he told me he wasn’t coming, that he was buying me an airplane ticket and would mail me my Christmas presents. he told me that he would answer every call and text of mine. said he had an unexpected appointment and would drive across country by himself in a month. i told him if he wasn’t there in a month it was over. he didn’t show up. and he didn’t even care. he never talked to me again. he ignores every friendly text ill send like once a month just becuz wonder bout somebody love so much even tho i know he doesn’t love me. but it’s like i didn’t even exist to him. like i was some school girl that annoyed him. he never spoke to or acknowledged me again. after a two year relationship of promises for ever and marriage and a baby cuz we’re soul mates, and knowing every minute of every day with me, after telling me i could move there to be with him and then saying even that wasn’t going to work. I just don’t even exist anymore. literately. he told me it was over. i cried and asked how he could do this to me. and he was so cold. not one watery eye, or look of pain. nothing. just a ” you’ll be alright. i just cant handle your shit anymore.” every time i didn’t agree with him he would stoop doing something for me or take something a way and tell me i didn’t deserve those things becuz im ungrateful. I saw these things. but i saw the amazingly fairytale love of my life a lot more often. He made me feel worthless. I’m so upset that i cant even type correctly because my hands are shaking. He left me five days before valentines day. and hasn’t said one word to me since.. i tried not to fight. i tried not to disagree. but he said he was leaving me because i was a mess and greedy and only cared about myself. he told me that the car accident we were in that i have chronic pain from was my fault. because if i hadn’t fell asleep he wouldn’t have driven off the express lane and over the rail. which confused me cuz when it happened he told me he was so sorry. he cried. he begged my forgiveness, he even called my mother and apologized to her at 3 am after telling her i was in the hospital. but now all the sudden he couldn’t care less and isn’t event to blame. i was advised to sue him for all my medical bills. that just his insurance would have to pay. but he said i couldn’t do that to him cuz it would ruin his insurance. so i didn’t. that ambulance ride alone was thousands of dollars. what do you think? psychopath????

      1. Hi, my boyfriend left a week ago and like yours, he won’t talk to me, cuts the phone off, won’t answer my texts, even where I tell him I love him and I’m hurting so bad, after two years of marriage promises, even telling me Thursday he loved me, he left on the Sunday and like you, it’s like I don’t exist anymore, I just don’t understand it. He knows I have a lump in my breast and am going to the hospital on 15th May but hasn’t even asked about it, I can’t get my head round the fact that he just doesn’t care, he has just erased me out of his life, it’s hurts so badly

      2. I feel for you. The worst is when people run hot and cold. The personality disordered person who hurt me was like this too. It is so so painful. Mine didnt make as many promises as yours but it was still bad. Mine tried to come back to me when he saw me reconciling with my spouse. He said he did love me but that it was really hard for him. He allways claimed to be a commitment phobe . He told me I gave up on him too soon . He begged me to go to dinner with him and we did not have to be intimate. Well I almost fell for it u ntill he pulled a 180 degree upturn and said he did not have those feelings for me. Didnt I know he was only expressing love for a friend? I dont recall a friend saying I love you too baby, its just really hard for me . Well thank god I didnt lose the chance to put my marriage back together again and be with someone who actually does truely love me. And when I tried to have any closure with that douche bag he emotionally abused me to the point of despair. So I know how you feel.

      3. Man Krystal, that really sucks. I’m sorry you went thru all of that. i know about the shaky hands and all of that. I’ve been split up with mine, she wants to get back together. I wrote everything down at the last end we had 5 months ago. I read it to myself when she gets at me. She almost had me fooled this last time, but there;s no way I’m going back. Don’t be surprised if he gets at you again. If I were you,I’d change my number so he can’t. Because I would lay money that he will. And you are way better then that , way better.

      4. I moved in with my (now ex) sociopath 4 days before valentine’s day 2014. I wonder if we were dating the same sociopath? I lived in the same city as he did, though, so I saw him a lot. My ex-sociopath sounds very much like yours. He also was in a car accident, but that was before we met. Tried to manipulate me with the promise of trips, but it didn’t work. He proposed to me December 29, 2013. Once I agreed to marry him, he couldn’t wait to have a baby and I got pregnant the first time we tried, I think it was Feb 7, 2014?

        Why haven’t you filed for coverage for your medical bills? The whole purpose of insurance is to cover the unexpected accident when it happens? You must take care of yourself. ❤

        It can be an extremely painful and difficult lesson to learn, but you MUST have boundaries and respect for yourself before others will respect you, and a sociopath will NEVER respect you no matter what you do. You deserve better…much, much better than how he treated you. I hope that, a year later, you have healed and moved on.

  5. He’s also extremely private and a bit paranoid. When we first started dating he deleted his facebook when I mentioned finding him. We ran into an aquaintance of his at a store and he was clearly annoyed by it especially when the guy was asking him about me. I never met his friends although I did meet his mom and sister and spent time with them. He has believing it was my fault it went bad but for the life of me I cant figure out what I did and Ive wracked my brain a million times for it. Im so lost

    1. You’ve done nothing wrong. You don’t need to look within yourself for why he left your. This fellow has some severe problems A healthy relationship will leave you feeling affirmed, supported and free to be yourself. Do you feel that way? The best thing this guy ever did for you was to break up with you.

  6. Hi, I am not sure if for the past 4 years I have been with narcissistic sociopath, I have left 7 times but he never leaves me alone he would call my work phone, email me at work, go to my parents house follow me when ever he can, He goes into rages for no reason and I can’t stop him, he is always fishing for Complements, he has told me before that if I leave him again he will kill me so that no one else can have me, I recently seen messages to three other girls and confronted him about it he has told me that there is nothing in it, but from what i read i doubt it, I am due to marry him in a week and am so scared i am falling into a trap.

    1. Hi Jane,

      Wow you are marrying this man in a week. That is intense. Do you think that this is the right thing for you? I presume that you are scared of him, but…. relationships like this rarely get better. If he is threatening to kill you if you leave him, this is REALLY NOT a good sign!! Please think about marrying him. You have all the answers within you. Listen to yourself.

    2. Jane. Absolutely do NOT marry this man. He is clearly unstable and marriage will not change this. It’s not too late to back out. Good luck.

    3. Hi, I thought that I would come back and let you know that I never went through with the marriage, I left and as hard as it is I am so glad that I did, I have a huge support network of family and friends, police and cancelling, I am starting to be more like my old self however still rather reserved and scared at times I know with time this will pass!

      1. Jane, I’m so happy for you! You did something that was difficult….very difficult. It’s never easy to call off a wedding, but doing it a wee before took inner resolve and courage. From one empath to another, I’m so proud of you for doing what is right for you! Wishing you the very best as you move forward in life and in your recovery. ❤

  7. Good grief, marriage doesn’t change one’s personality. This fellow is clearly unhappy and disturbed. Marrying him will not make him suddenly an attentive and caring partner. This is known as jumping from the frying pan into the fire. If you need someone to help you straighten out your thinking then find that help and do not marry him until your own concerns are addressed. You are in a potentially lethal situation.

  8. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year now and he told me right at the start he is a sociopath. I didn’t understand until we started fighting. It’s like he’s a completely different person. He’s hurtful, dramatic and loves to blame everything on me. All of these signs, are ones I have seen in him before. Its unnerving and I don’t know how to try to leave him. I know I should be he guilt trips me everytime. It’s difficult, even though he lives in a different city… I need help going about this, but I don’t know how. He just keeps pulling me back in

  9. Oh man! I recognize all of these things… I’ve known there was something wrong for some time…I think I know what it is now. Even his predatory stare is mentioned here.. That stare scares me to no end:(
    Thank you for this wake-up call.

  10. Sociopath had me at hello.
    Charismatic, witty, funny, fun and the list is completely accurate. I think the creepiest trait is the stare. The bigger the eyeballsahbe the bigger the liar.
    I am a business woman who made a whole lot more than I do today after meeting her. I’m also a musician with opportunities that are still strong but I’ve noticed how I’m in a cycle. A cycle that I’ve never experienced.
    I get ahead and she does something “accidentally” to kick me 5 steps back.
    Here’s a short list but believe me, I could go on.
    -she brought her belongings with bugs that took 3 yrs to clear. Like a flea bug but not.
    -house went from gorgeous to tornadoes with endless vacuuming and tidying and circles.
    -she got my business closed for two mo. (I trusted her and she failed)
    failed every time
    -loss of income
    -thought she was smart (she is) and trusted her guidance and limits lost my house
    -crashed a car I had just paid off for the business
    -crashed my new car after 2 weeks
    -I asked her to leave because my pets weren’t acting the same happy way they once were and she did but I feel as though she was still around somehow
    -needed help rebuilding soninseopped my guard and she won me over an I allowed we back actually doubting myself and if there was something wrong with me. There was, it was my lack of self worth. I allowed her to strip me of every good thing.
    -i ask her to leave again and even sent her on a train 2 states away. all of a sudden when she knows I was out working I was robbed $600 and my boxer instantly went into chf the same day I was out all day. She was the only one out if her crate:-(
    -it seems as if every time my pets who men the world to me get close to death from a strange illness or one has died she was the last one with them.

    I’ve consulted a few psychics and more than 3 tolde that she was poisoning me, (explains a lot) and was hurting my pets and other stuff that’s just ugh.

    I’m a very attractive woman with standards! I often wondered how this all happened when she’s not even pretty. For one, sex was a definite weapon! Secondly, she hade off routine thinking that I needed to learn to enjoy life more when I actually WAS enjoying my life a lot. I didn’t realize how much happier I was and balanced before her so called “love for me.”
    I’m so upset at myself because of all I’ve suffered and out my pets through and customers and family and the list goes on. I’m not an alcoholic but I was sure on that path. She had me numb almost every day. Drinking and sex every day for almost 2 years. Around the 1yr. 1/2 mark I started seeing my life crumble around and below me. Even above me because spiritually I was dying. Today, her things are in the driveway. She’s still here but I can’t stand the sight of her. I don’t allow her in any room alone. As I write this, she’s outside and she sent me text with a picture of her bracelet from the delivery room. Another trick! She’s gonna have another victim. If makes sense what the one psychic told me.
    She’s likely onto her next one. I barley am making this out alive. Be careful people!!!! This is a wolf in Sheeps clothing and she’s dangerous. I keep wishing someone knew of what she has done and calls the cops. She should be in jail but proving all of this has made me appear less than stable to many people that don’t understand what this is like so, just be careful. She’s very convincing and sweet. Very passive. I used to think to myself, “wow, she can really keep her cool. I wish I could do that.” As ones unraveling and she looked calm cool and collected,
    When I wasn’t paying attention, she was getting even for things I said and did to defend myself financially and mentally.
    Almost over.

    1. Sounds like a nightmare…. I hope that the carnage caused in your life, doesn’t take too long to repair and put back together, they sure can destroy everything about your world.

    2. Drop the psychics, anyone who knows about sociopaths , can tell when you are with one. My sis in law did, and she isn’t a psychic by no means. Save your money, it sounds like you are going to need it.

  11. I just ended a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath!!! He started with telling me up front he didn’t want anything serious- this of course was after he swooped me off my feet & treated me like a princess. I met him when I just turned 30 & I thought I was the luckiest girl ever!
    He quickly moved in and I didn’t have time for friends… I packed all his things once then he got back into my life. I new things turned bad when he started to be verbally & physically abusive. I told him it was no longer healthy for him to live in my space. He expected me to actually pack him. I told him his assistant quit because he treated her poorly- that’s all I was to him… What a user. When he was packing I told him the only thing that would change is him out of my space. I totally tricked him and he left peacefully!!! Ahh I just have to leave his stuff with my property management office and I will be free!!!
    What a relief, I never dated anyone so horrible! I’m blessed I made it through!!!

    1. Narcissistic type are the worst (I found) as they are perfect in the beginning – and then switch and the emotional abuse that you go through with a narcissistic type is awful. Really pleased to hear that you got out, and I hope that there isn’t too much psychological damage for you to work through, they can be really emotionally damaging.

  12. My sociopath fits everything on this list. He is now in prison…. For murder. Things make more sense now. Also, I’m heartbroken. The man I’ve always loved and still do probably never loved me.

  13. Guys, from a person who dated one for nearly 10 years on and off, do yourself a favour, get the hell out of that relationship and see a therapist if you need to. There’s no shame in it. It’s not worth it, there are much better people out there. You deserve better, but you have to make that big choice. Do it for yourself. Do it now.

  14. Hey there, your stories seem to have really helped me along with this article. I was dating someone not that long ago and he is a sociopath. I also believe him to be a narcissist. I realized that he never loved me or cared for me in the least, it was all about what he could get out of me. I was a very stupid girl falling for this, but I realized just now I am not the only one. They are sick cunning weasels and who would not fall for the charm, charisma, and compliments.
    We met on a dating site and I wanted to take things slow, I did not want to get hurt. He has way too much in common with me and coincidentally “Christian Grey” Character from 50 Shades. He played his hand really well and walked right into my life and brand new apartment. He had all these plans for us and things he wanted to do, “if we worked out and things went further”.
    He had admittedly had a sorted past, which where minor infractions from what he had told me and so I did not bat an eye. (now I look at myself typing this thinking you stupid girl look at the signs!) So we progressed and I was very standoff-ish at first. I am generally guarded with new people I meet because this was not the first time I had been hurt. Long story short, by week 3 he had moved things into my place, introduced me to his brother and his family, and asked that I leave my second job to spend more time with him on Sundays. Week 5 I caught him cheating and it went down hill from there. He called me screaming telling me that If I question his infidelity ever again we are over and that I am a stupid girl who should not be worried about anything like that.
    I stayed quiet but I knew it would be a matter of a week when I would be out of this relationship…hopefully alive. It was his birthday a few days following this incident and I picked him up, as he had no car or license, and we were planning dinner and a weekend trip to my friend’s in Connecticut. On the car ride, he was not in control and he freaked out about the time. He then decided to lecture me after I told him, it was getting expensive to feed him and myself on my budget. I have since learned never confront someone who is that unstable. He went into a rant about my job, my life and my family. I proceeded to my friend’s house and he was charming with her, her fiance and another friend. That night he was texting all sorts of other women, a woman always knows. And so his big deal breaker was me smoking a little Pot with my friends, and I planned on doing it because I wanted to and I knew the relationship was going to be over. at 3:30 in the morning he woke me freaking out, at my friend’s house, and yelled. He told me i risked his life and his freedom and he then decided I was to be “punished” and he raped me.
    Enough said, so If you think you are in a relationship with a sociopath get out. If you really care for the person get them help, but stay far away. In my humble opinion, until a person knows who they are and knows what afflictions they may have they can be sick and wind up hurting you physically or mentally. I was a victim of both crimes, but you live and learn and you move on and try your hardest to help others. I have been looking for opportunities to volunteer with raped and battered woman and hopefully I can help someone find the strength to rebuild their lives. Good luck everyone and lots of love to all of those still affected.

  15. It’s taken me 5 years but I am finally accepting the fact that I have been with a sociopath. I didn’t want to feel like a “victim” so I was in denial for the longest time. In spite of everything that has happened, which is so much and so many outrageous things that most people wouldn’t even begin to believe it all, I STILL feel sorry for him. That has been the biggest hurdle to getting away. I’m still working on it and my friends and family can’t understand why I just don’t LEAVE but his manipulation is so complete that I feel like a puppet tangled in his strings. He tries to convince me that I am the bad/evil/crazy one and some of the time I do wonder if the problem is me. I’m crying and shaking as I type these words because I am so broken emotionally. I wish I knew the warning signs before. At least now I can admit I was an easy mark, he knew exactly what he was doing and hit the lottery with me. He has taken so much from me, financially and mentally. Fortunately I have my physical health and somewhere to go – I’m one of the “lucky” ones I guess…

    1. Love never hurts. Jerks do. Keep away from Jerks. No matter what stage of the relationship you are in, if you realize you are with a sociopath, just flee while you can. You can’t change them. But they can and they will destroy you without any remorse. Fight anything that does not let you thrive. And never doubt your gut instinct, it keeps you safe from such predators. Find your happiness & peace away from pricks like these.

      1. Hi, I am in the grief of being with a sociopath. I now understand this so much better. He has the problem, and it was not my fault. I tried to love him, and help him. With no success. He has dropped me like a wet towel on the floor. I need some help in how to keep strong, and also to forget him. It’s been a couple months now, but I keep thinking of him.
        Thanks, if you can advise me.

      2. Hi Shelley,

        It is a process to go through. I hope that you are doing no contact, as you need this to heal. Try to bring back as much of your old life that was there before, as you can. Try to focus on you, and rebuilding your life. You tried to help him, it didn’t work. If you took him back the same behaviour would repeat. 2 months is still very early days (I don’t know how long you were together for?) …. if it was a long time, remember that it took a while to create the damage, it will take often at least half that time again to recover from it.

      3. Yes so true. I didnt realize I had been taken advantage of by a sociopath until much later. I thought it was just commitment phobia as he described it. But the cruelty and demeaning treatment I received after trying to say he did love me was horrendous. He went from doing that to losing a huge amount of weight and joining dating sites. Then fast forward and his dad comes to my place of work with his wife to check me out. I guess he hadnt found anyone and they’re curious about the dumb ass women who’d cared about him. Anyway I saw the way his dad treated his wife and realized he’d inherited some personality disorder from him. The wife had old raggedy clothes and purse while he was dressed in new clothes. He was not kind . Thats when I went bingo!

  16. You and I sound so much alike. I would like to talk to you further; perhaps we both can gain a better understanding as to why we are this way. I believe there must be a reason as to why, but I am wanting to better understand the depth of sociopaths.

  17. If you marry them, they will hit you.
    I know. I lived it for almost a decade.
    Punched. Strangled. Knocked unconscious. Raped.
    Then they tell people you are crazy. Even if they are charged criminally.
    They are SICK. Please, all of these signs are RED FLAGS. Plus jealousy. That should be on top of the list.
    Please, please…

      1. I just went through a whirlwind romance with a man I believe is a narcissistic sociopath. We dated for about a month and a half and he has all but maybe two of the above traits. He gave me the silent treatment for no reason, then broke up with me. I now realize how lucky I am that he did this. Although, I have a feeling that he is going to pull the “I’m ready for a relationship now” bit and try to get me to take him back because his reasoning for the break up seemed very open ended. It’s been about 3 weeks since the break up and I haven’t contacted him at all nor has he tried to contact me.

        Now that I’m looking back, I can see the red flags and feel stupid for writing them off as off color jokes or “tests”. He would say really creepy things and I realize now that he was telling me exactly what he was planning for a perceived slight on my part. He called me twice while I was in the shower, then when I called him back, later in the conversation he said that he was going to torture me, but wouldn’t elaborate. This is when the coldness started followed by the silent treatment, then broke up with me. I’m assuming this was to punish me for not answering either of his calls and not mentioning that I was in the shower as the reason for not picking up.

        We live four hours from each other, but I know he’s moving closer to my area since this is all he’s talked about since we met because he hates his (good paying) job and has close friends nearby, whose house we met at because they are acquaintances of mine.

        I guess these people aren’t right in the head either though, or they would have warned me that he is the way he is?

        I really gave it to him when he broke up with me. When you lash out at a psychopath, does this deter them from wanting to contact you again? Does putting them in their place make them realize that you aren’t their type of “prey”? I just want to be reassured that I handled my end of the break up correctly to increase my chances that he won’t attempt to weasel his way back into my life with the charm and charisma he’s so good at. I also believe that he has the potential to be a hard core stalker as I experienced this type twice in one year (ugh!). Thanks for reading and any advice on what to expect next would be healing and helpful.

    1. I have no money, no family, 6 kids under 10, and no where to go. My husband is abusive and mean. I don’t know what to do. I know I out myself in this situation. Had a horrible childhood, growing up taking care of my little sister and alcoholic mother who was emotionally and mentally abusive. I know I have no self esteem no self respect. All I ever wanted was to be loved the way I loved everyone even when they didn’t give a shit about me. I tried to be perfect in every way, it was never good enough. Not for my mother nor for my husband or any of the other losers I had already been with. I have no friends anymore, no one to talk to. I’m lost and desperate. He’s an incredible father though, sooooo good to his babies. Financially supports us, and when we’re not fighting, he’s like prince charming straight our of a movie. We’re that iconic family everyone aspires to be,until we fight and he turns in Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde. Like most others, when we met, he was absolutely captivating, kind, romantic, thoughtful. I opened up to him, I let my guard down, he convinced me he was the one. I had never felt this happy in my entire life. He was like a drug that I was addicted to, I feel I became so in love it was bordering obsession. I told him that how much I lived him felt unhealthy, not normal. The promises, the praise, the very detailed pictures of the future….I was hooked. And then, almost a year into this amazing relationship, we had an argument and he was holding an open water bottle and he threw the waterfall over me as I was speaking, I got mad took the bottle off the counter(he out it down after he splashed me) and I poured the rest in him. This infuriated him so much he turned around and with zero hesitation, drop kicked me in the chest full force. He has been trained in martial arts since he’s 5 years old. After that his instand remorse and apologies and crying. He seemed to have been genuine, and like the broken stupid asshole I am, I stayed. The promises of never touching me again never actually worked out. Every time we fight, I end up covered in bruises. If I defend myself, he gets more abusive and psychotic and then blames me for havibg to hurt me. Like an asshole again, i beleived hed change and i married him. Honeymoon was awful, hige fight, crazy scene at hotel, zero remorse. He always apoligizes professes how much he cares, yet his actions completely contradict everything he says. I just don’t know what to do.

    2. Hi, I know what u mean. I’m in stages of breaking free of mine who wants to marry me, after 2 1/2yrs on & off. He drains me just by talking to me, was very jealous of me talking to any man or seeing girlfriends, taking up my time. He hasn’t hit me, but slams doors when angry, we argue every 2nd day now, i’m sick of it, come to the end of the rd. Will miss the facade, charming happy side he used to present to me & in public. Hes very negative behind closed doors, rants & raves, blames others & raves about World Govt, World Bank, is obsessive about that. He has thrown things that missed my face but was close – last year. He has been married & divorced 3x & had girlfriends that didnt work out. Talks about 5 years in Family Court, said he won, but ex Wife still stopped him from seeing his now grown up children. She still doesn’t let his parents see them either. He’s the most jealous man i’ve ever encountered in my life. I couldn’t even look at a stranger without him knowing, looking.

      1. Hi Pigletta, you know that this gets worse and not better? Over time the compulsion and the obsession gets worse. I do wonder if he is planning his own escape as picking fights constantly is what they do…. and then they have an excuse to leave. Blame you.

  18. I have just received the very last communication with my ex fiance who I always realised was a bit off, but like others, was totally in love with him. It was a long distance relationship but I used to spend a lot of time going to Italy to be with him. He flattered me no end, some of his stories just didn’t add up and I dismissed that because it was usually about silly things. He is very narcissistic, with a big ego and ‘knows’ he is very good at lots of things such as guitar, singing etc. but never any praise for anything like that I did. Any arrangements that were made had to be made around what suited him and if I got annoyed or questioned him about something he would fly into a verbal rage and sometimes not talk to me for days. Then he would come back like nothing had happened, and I always felt like it was my fault. We were in a relationship for almost 6 years.
    He is very charismatic and is always the centre of attention at gatherings. He has had arguments with a lot of his friends and some dont bother with him anymore. He left me almost 2 years ago and begged me to take him back after a week. Stupidly I did. I saw him once after that and despite me having a lot of trouble with various things at home and going through a very bad time he decided to leave me again in January 2013 via Skype when I was trying to arrange a trip to go and see him. Since then we emailed and rang each others phones occasionally. this year he started sending me recent pictures of himself so that I could see what he looks like now. He even told me he had made the worst mistake of his life but he made this decision because it was better for my and my life. Then he wanted to Skype with me again but he never got around to doing that. He emailed me and said I should go over there. this was all several weeks ago. After chatting with a friend about this he suggested that he may be a sociopath. I then started to check many websites and came to the conclusion that he did indeed display many of the traits of a sociopath. He was never violent.

    I left a chat message on skype about 3 weeks ago saying that I thought he might be one. He read it just a few hours ago. He seemed offended, which is fair enough and said goodbye. I didn’t reply to that. 5 minutes later 2 emails arrive. The first one quite lengthy telling me about all the women who flock to him, how easy they are to pick up about the highly successful women he is now dating and has been since we split and that they all have their own houses. He refers to the relationship he is now ‘cultivating’. He asks me to delete his contact details which I already did. the second email was just to tell me he would delete without reading and reply I might send and that he is deleting my email addresses right now. He doesn’t appear to have removed me from his Skype list or LinkedIn. I wonder if he thought I would reply begging forgiveness and that I did not mean it.?

    I think I am well rid, and that I was probably right. I still have feelings for him but I am also feeling relieved. Lucky escape?

  19. I think i am dating one, all those traits apply to him. worst part is i have to depend on him coz i dont have a car anymore. he kinda scares me n i dont feel safe being alone with him. he can be the sweetest person ever n the craziest pycho i ever met all in one day!

    1. Hi Qoi, someone who scares you, who you are frightened of – realistically do you really need a car that much? You say that you depend on him for this? Why not start driving lessons, and learn to drive yourself? Or use public transport? It might take a while to learn to drive, and get a car, but this would be a positive for you and your life. As it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse – over time. If you are scared, you really need to get out.

  20. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now. When I met him I was in a 4 yr relationship that was going nowhere, so I ended it & we started dating. He was everything I wanted, everything I had missed & craved but never got in the prior relationship. He was fun, said all the right things, made me the center of his world, had great stories, and loved to impres (writer, musician, war hero). But I was worried from the beginning…like a faint feeling that something wasn’t right. I chalked it up to guilt for leaving a man who was distant, but good to me.
    He wanted to move too fast. Made me feel sorry for him & want to help him. Stories of a bad childhood, war stories (he’s an Army vet), horrible ex wife, PTSD & anxiety. He moved in quickly because “his roommate got them evicted”…not his fault, of course. He practilly wouldn’t let me out of his sight…was afraid I’d go back to my ex, or cheat. So, like an idiot, I went out of my way to show him I could be trusted & didn’t want anyone else. He now, a year later, says he has no friends & it’s my fault for making him feel he had to stay with me all the time.
    He hid from me that he was a drug addict in recovery. It wasn’t until money started disappearing that I began to see the signs of drug use. He would always say he’s afraid I’ll leave him because he doesn’t have a lot of money, lives on GI Bill for school, talk about wanting to help me but can’t afford to…like he was sick over it – anxiety attacks. So I helped get him a really good job where he actually makes more than me. So, with more money in his pocket, his drug use became extreme. He spends thousands per month on pills, is broke within 24 hours of getting paid, and doesn’t ever help me with bills, groceries, etc.
    EVERYTHING is my fault. And every story, promise, excuse, all lies. I can’t think of a single occasion where he kept his word.
    When confronted, he blows up, blames me, and takes off. Then, comes back, sorry, crying, and suicidal. Admits to lies, and makes more promises that he will never keep.
    He talks to other women. I don’t know if they ever meet, but he chats/texts a lot. I’ve seen some convos. He always blames me & lies about me. Tells them how good he is in bed & they’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Makes plans to meet, invites to his nonexistent apartment, offers nonexistent tickets & promises a fun night out of town. But he never leaves. Only “goes for a drive” and only ever gone long enough to go buy drugs. He will be passin out he’s so high & claim he’s clean.
    He’s abusive torward animals but has never physically hurt me. He can be scary. Especially when confronted about lies. Rage seeps from him. He yells, he blames, puts me down, rants, then leaves. Then comes back, sorry, broke & withdrawing.
    I have two children (not his) and am afraid of a drug induced, raged, desperate retaliation. He goes thru phases of improvement, more improvement, slip up, worst yet, and back to improvement. ..a 2-3 month cycle.
    When he’s sober, we get along, we enjoy each other. But again, he secretly talks to other girls and thinks I don’t know. So is he a socio? a suicidial combat veteran? The good guy I met & fell for (see signs of sometimes) but struggling with addiction, PTSD, & anxiety?
    I don’t know what to do.

    1. I think it doesn’t matter what he is (there are a lot of other factors at play here) what he clearly is is not good or healthy for you. You talk a lot of the help that you have given to him, what help has he given to you? You tried to make his life better? Did he do the same for you? You have a good heart and deserve someone who has the same, this man ask yourself realisitically does he give Or take? How much further loss can you tolerate before you leave?

    2. Worried,
      I hope you are still on this site and see this. My experience was so much like yours it is seriously freaky. The N/S I knew was ex-military and told me he had PTSD, anxiety, was on medication, and was in “recovery” for alcohol but he still drank and smoked pot and gambled. He had horrible stories about his ex-wife and childhood. I felt sorry for him and when his bad behavior surfaced I excused it because of his condition. In the beginning he wanted me around all the time, would call me at work to find out when I’d be home, tell me to call when I got home, wanted me at his place asap. We lived near each other so it quickly became a regular thing.
      He too had panic attacks and it was usually when I would want time away from him. He was very secretive about his phone and online activity but it was obvious he was talking to other girls. He would sleep with his phone in his pocket and take it to the bathroom but if I tried to be private he would freak out. My phone rang one time and he picked it up and I grabbed it out of his hand. He accused me of hiding something from him. I tried to reason that he didn’t let me look at or answer his phone why should I let him see mine and it was like I wasn’t even talking. HIS behavior didn’t matter. Never did. He did not want to be held accountable for anything ever. But if I did something that he perceived as an injury to him he would scold me like a child. If I wanted to talk about something that bothered me he would say I was making him anxious and giving him a panic attack or he would just hang up and not answer the phone.
      He too would cycle every other month and would be “normal”, stop drinking, want to be healthy and then go he’d off the rails partying and acting manic (life of the party or looking for a party) or depressed, crying, talking about suicide, sometimes both in the same night. He took all my time, energy, money (he too is living off military benefits) and used that to justify me paying for things, first little things but they got bigger and bigger and when I would protest he would rage about how I didn’t trust him or how he knew I had the money. He’d say he would give me money when he got paid but it never happened or would promise to take me somewhere nice, also never happened. He made and broke promises all the time. To this day I think he lied about not having money and would use what I gave him to take others out or buy things he wanted but didn’t want to pay for. He would show me his bank account on line but that doesn’t mean he didn’t have another account where he was hiding everything.
      After awhile, he was very hot and cold. One minute he was calling me over and over and over and the next he was not returning my calls and disappearing for days. He would make plans and then cancel or change them at the last minute with no regard for my schedule or feelings. I was so confused by him I started talking to friends to try to get an objective view. This is something he warned me not to do – he called it being loyal. But I did because I had to and I realized that although PTSD and anxiety, etc. are real issues, his behavior had NOTHING to do with PTSD and everything to do with his N/S personality disorder. He told me one time that the therapist he saw for PTSD said he was anti-social. Of course this was in the early days and I passed it off. He also said he thought she was in love with him. He thought every woman was in love with him and desired him and would tell me about women approaching him or coming on to him or trying to re-enter his life (triangulate). He would tell me what other people “friends” did for him or what they bought him – suggesting that I didn’t do enough for him even though I was cooking, paying for our entertainment, and lending him money. A couple times when he was drunk he told me he wanted me to be dependent on him. I am a grow woman with a career and have been on my own since I was a teenager. I told him that would never happen and how was supposed to depend on him when he asked me for help all the time? He also said he likes a woman to be submissive. As soon as I stopped giving him what he wanted he said he didn’t want to be with me romantically but that we were friends and would be forever. I did not feel the same. I knew I had been used. I stopped calling him and he would only call if he needed something and I told him as much.
      It’s been 2 years that I’ve known him, and he has been with someone else for a year now, yet there hasn’t been one month that’s gone by where he hasn’t called (usually in the middle of the night). I used to answer those calls because I believed he needed help. The last time I answered was about 6 mos ago and he was depressed and talking suicide which by now I knew was not a real threat. A few days later he called again and wanted to borrow money, going so far as to say he would be out on the street if I didn’t help him. I refused and I don’t answer those calls anymore even though they keep coming – the last was a month ago he called 7 times late a night. I remember when we were together (or still “friends” – period after we stopped dating) he would get into one of his depressed modes and would call people (usually his ex) over and over and over at all times of the night. I used to be hurt wondering why he didn’t just talk to me, I was right there. Now I’m the one he is calling. I wonder if his new girl is sitting there wondering the same thing.
      As said he’s been with someone else for a year and during this past year I couldn’t help thinking from time to time that maybe I was wrong about him or that he has somehow changed for her or treats her better and that all that ugliness was just reserved for me, that I brought it out in him or it happened because I allowed it in the beginning. I know others ask themselves the same question and what you have to understand is that anyone that can treat someone with such disregard and use someone can’t just turn that on and off – that is really who they are. People who possess true emotions and empathy for others could never dream of doing the things N/S’s do to people. Manipulating, triangulating, crazy-making, stone-walling, blaming, projecting, cheating, lying – if this is part of someone’s repertoire, it doesn’t just go away because they meet “the right” person. Think about what you went through, how you tried to be that person and then try to imagine what “the right” person would have to do to stay in favor with N/S. That is not a life.
      Thank you for posting your story and inspiring me to write this. I know I was not wrong and am fortunate to be free of him. I wish the same for you and everyone here and hope that you or someone else reads this, stops feeling alone and takes steps to take their life back.

      1. I really thank you for writing this stronger the behaviour was exactly what i experienced too . The behaviour you describe is like we were dating same people thank you for your comment, it speaks out to me

  21. I just ended a relashionship with a sociopath. Is making my life miserable. One day he is all, “give me another chance” and another day he is “you are so cold and mean” and other days he is telling everyone how horrible I am. He makes me sick. He have all, but all of these characteristics and owe me so much money.

    1. Jessica, let the money go…. he will only tell you he is going to give you back money to control you and keep you hanging on a string. Believe me your freedom is worth far more than any finances he owes you.

      REALITY CHECK if he was going to give you the money HE WOULD. If he isn’t HE WONT.

  22. The scary thing is that my ex boyfriend exhibited ALL of these signs. I can give a specific example from our relationship for each one of them.

  23. i have been dating a woman that has had treatment for mental disorder in the past she was never told she was a sociopath but she has many of the traits. im so glad i came here and looked at this she ended the relationship with me because she as no emotion an felt nothing for me she said that therapy had helped her sort out her problems but then realised it hadnt and broke it off with me i have been feeling terrible about our relationship but realise now i had been duped and it was all fake right from the start

  24. Wow, where do I even begin? These individuals are completely devoid of feeling, love, remorse, empathy, or anything else that makes them even remotely human!
    I dated a sociopath/psychopath for nearly two years, and in those two years, I lost every ounce of my being, every bit of true happiness I had, and everything that made me who I was at the core level. He absolutely did his best to turn family, friends, and any other poor soul who would believe his manipulations, lies, charms, and mind-games against me. He was a professional at it. He would lie, cheat, abuse emotionally, psychologically… and his absolute favorite past time was: comparing me to other women (his ex-wife, in particular) just to make me feel insecure, jealous, and fearful of losing him. Another attempt of his to make me work harder at fulfilling his needs, while neglecting/ignoring my own. I lost close friends, family members would question me about things which were told to them by him to make it appear I was the “crazy” one. And, at one point in time, I actually believed that I was losing my mind. He completely depleted me: emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and everything in between. For a long while, I had a hard time believing that anyone could be so cold, so callous, especially someone I loved. It was mind boggling to me and I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. But believe you me, these monsters are real. They do exist, and they’ll swallow you whole if you let them. My family is no longer the same as before he came into my life. I had to relocate. I changed my number. And while untangling myself out of this wicked web he weaved to get away… He made a call to have my little girl taken away from me. He got even when I left him. My daughter is my world and he knew that would kill me. It did. Still does, even though I got her back after two days and paid for a lawyer for her safe return. My daughter, myself, and my whole family are scarred indefinitely by an individual that is simply EVIL in every sense of the word. Heed my warning: RUN and run FAST, and DO NOT under any circumstance let them manipulate you into going back to them. They are fully aware of what they do, say, and anything needed in order to get their way, once again. It won’t end pleasantly, believe me!

  25. Positivagirl,
    Merry Christmas. Hope you have a great day.
    I’m still surprised by although brief compared to some, how traumatic this experience has been and how it still plagues my mind. Being able to connect with others who have experienced the same thing has been key for me getting through this. It’s still a struggle. At times I still have doubt mostly based on his being in this new relationship longer. I wonder how is this working? But then I’ll remember specific things. For instance, I remember if I did something he didn’t like or stood up to him, he used to say, “if we are going to be together…,” or “this is why I can’t be with you…,” or “the person I end up with…”. He would set conditions to modify my behavior. But his behavior could never be questioned or I’d be told I was being too emotional and causing drama. It was like he was trying to strip me of all emotion (except when he needed comforting) and turn me into a robot that would cook and clean and hand over money and then sit quietly in the corner until he needs something again. I try to remember that I’m free of him because I said NO and I kept saying NO or he’d still be using me today. I know what experienced is a recurring theme in his life, it’s ingrained in him. I just wish I could stop wanting proof of it beyond my own experience.

  26. I need some guidance please!

    I have had no contact with my N for a couple of months now and that is fine, since he is with a new woman. My problem is that I recently met a new guy on line and have been on 2 dates with him. The dates were many hours long and whirlwind, and now I realize that the new guy is love bombing and flattering me and is exactly like my ex did in the beginning. I think this guy is a sociopath because he has no fear or anxiety where my ex did. He says the only thing he is afraid of is loss of control.
    I want to know the smartest way to break this off with the new guy. He hasn’t done anything wrong yet since he is in the love bomb stage, but I can clearly see what he is doing.
    I am concerned about rejecting him and having him get angry or revengeful. What is the best way to break it off? How can I do this without bring danger? He knows where I live and where my kids go to school. Do I tell him I know he is an S so he won’t want to waste his time or do I come up with a story such as I realize that I am not ready for a relationship. Tell him I am moving or taking a job out of the area?Please let me know what the best way to do this is. We have a date scheduled for tomorrow night that I want to brake. Do I go on it and be boring so he loses interest in me? It’s in a public place. Do I insult him over the phone so he gets mad and dumps me? Do I come up with excuses for not being able to get together and hope he finds someone else and dumps me? I have already told him that my ex is an N. I wish he didn’t know where I lived. I can’t believe I almost fell for this guy. Thank god I realized, but now how do I get out safely at this stage when he hasn’t done anything wrong yet? Please let me know how to get rid of him.

    1. Firstly I feel for you! I had 5 months of what I now suspect of being with someone who appears to be a sociopath (still unsure) so to meet 2 in a row must be unbearable. Im no expert but if the guy knows where you live then to say that ‘your moving away’ is probably not the best idea, if he’s anything like mine he will say he’s been driving passed to hopefully see you. And will know you haven’t. However I don’t know if that was even true because I couldn’t believe a word he said in the end. I would most definitely go along with ‘im just not ready for a realtionship’ I had to say I loved my guy (which is perfectly true, I still do regardless of what he did to me) but I knew he didn’t feel the same way. At first he didn’t try to argue, then within five mins he was at my house giving me my key back and asking me if I had met someone else which he knew wasn’t true because he only had to say ‘jump’ and I would say ‘how high?’ Then he said he didn’t wanna let me go, then he said go find someone who can love you. Im driven crazy over the rollercoaster in my head. Going over it all seriously is so emotionally damaging that I know I’m not ready for a relationship with anyone other than myself. So yeah I think the best way to go is to say ‘your not yet ready and you need time alone’ hopefully he accepts this. I genuinely hope this helps.

  27. The guy I was seeing ticks pretty much all the sociopath boxes. Although I’m still toying with my brain is he/isn’t he. I know for a fact the following things and more were definitely present though. The charm, the gifts, the ‘I love you’ within a few weeks to leaving me without a real reason after 3 weeks for him to turn up again a week later saying he missed me, Playing the victim (bad childhood stuff that he never got round to telling me about but I genuinely believe he didn’t have the best upbringing, after meeting his parents, their partners and his brothers) I was a fool and fell for his lies over and over till I finally called it off. He got a new girlfriend within two or so weeks thinking I didn’t know and tried to come back to me while still with her. I stuck to my guns and didnt fall for it but then he tried to come back again. I had to tell him I’m now seeing someone else. He got a little angry (he had violent tendencies) never physically hit me but i witnessed very violent abnormal behaviour. Punching doors in the street and head butting a guy for touching my backside on a night out. Then pushing me out of the way and punching a guy for dancing with me AFTER we split! My question however is this……I NEVER contacted him first. Even when we were ‘together’ I felt like it wasn’t right even then and felt I couldn’t ring him or txt him first etc. So when I said I was seeing someone else he said ‘ok I will delete everything of you and block you’ that was two weeks ago but last week it was my 29th birthday and I found a piece of card with ‘happy birthday, can’t stop thinking of you’ on my car. Why do that when he thinks I’m seeing someone else and I know he doesn’t give a damn anyway! I know he had blocked and deleted everything of me many many times b4 so why block me when he knows I wouldn’t contact him first anyway? It doesn’t make sense to me. I have a feeling he’s well and truly gone now.Moved on and forgotten my name because I was so persistent that i wouldn’t and couldn’t forgive him. He knows he’s fighting a losing battle but the question still remains. Why block me and leave stupid notes on my car afterwards? I know its a very long story and hard to understand from this post! But believe me I would be here forever and a day if I were to put exactly what he did to me on here! Thanks to anyone who may be able to help in advance

    1. Is this the one diggs?

      The first thing, is that really it doesn’t matter what he is. It is how he makes you feel about you, that is important. Is this good, or bad? If he makes you feel bad about you. He is bad for you.

      Secondly, it is really normal, even when ALL of the signs are there, to deny what this person is. I know that I went through this stage as did probably every other victim. We do not want it to be true. Even when the signs are staring us in the face, instead, we try to find a reasonable or rational explaination. It can be difficult to comprehend.

      I cant say if he is a sociopath. But I can say that he doesn’t sound like a good or desirable catch for you, and that you could do better than this. Do you really want to be with someone this violent? He might be headbutting someone else right now, but believe me, next it could be/likely would be you!

      I know that the ‘silence’ after they pursue you so hard can be painful (do a search for the post – coping with pain after discard), it can hurt like hell, but sometimes this is exactly what it is designed to do. If he vanishes you wonder what has happened to him? They deliberately (by focusing on your comfort zone, and being everything that you want, mirroring you, and always being there, create a level of dependency and ultimately addiction).

      It sounds like you are feeling confused right now, and rightly so. That you are looking for answers, I can promise you that he wont be able to give you answers. You might ask, did he love me? Was any of it real? It might have been, as much as he was capable of. But likely as with most things in life, its part of the game that they play, and others are merely players in the game.

      What he is, is not important, aside from the fact that you know he is violent, and therefore dangerous. If he is a sociopath/psychopath, then he is very dangerous, as there is nothing worse than someone who is violent without a conscience (not all sociopaths are violent). As difficult and as tough as it is, it is better to start from day 1. To make a pact with you, that you are going to treat you better than this, that you deserve better than this. It could be (they often do) contact you at a later date. Especially if he has what he perceives to be ownership and possession of you. If this was the case, he doesn’t like someone else treading on his sentimental property. Hence the headbutting someone, and the leaving the note on your car. He thinks that he has every right to do this. They do have incredible rages, which with some is not so much of a problem as they are more ridiculous than anything else, but with others – the violent type, it is very concerning. Please keep yourself safe.

      1. The note on my car was just one of the many thing’s he did. He pushed a letter under my door ‘opening up’ to me telling me he loved me I was his best friend as well as girlfriend’ this was weeks after I finished it and he had moved on to someone else already. There were so many mind games. He thought he was better than everyone else, looks wise and the best ever in his job, he showed no real hurt etc. He would say one of his family members were ill and was very upset about it but an hour later he would be acting like there was nothing wrong at all. Malicious, jeckyl and Hyde character. Blew hot and cold. We had been split about three weeks when I was on a night out and he called me a ‘dirty little tramp’ when he saw me dancing with another guy after Pushing me aside and punching the guy I was dancing with. Told so many lies. Stuff that didn’t need lying about like being in a shop. My sister saw him in there but denied being in there when I asked him about it. We met online and things he told me then couldnt have been further from the truth. He said he had loads of money (he ended up loaning off me) admittedly he always paid back. But still. Told me he ‘avoided violence’ at all costs! Called me names but made out he was joking. He threw my door keys at me after turning on me while he was drunk. He tried telling me what to wear in a ‘jokingly’ fashion. He had wierd fetish’s in the bedroom. The list is endless really and in five months of seeing him more drama and hurt happened in those five months than ever before in my life. My mother HATED him and it became apparent after i finished it everyone that had met him said he ‘had evil eyes’ it’s what I was most attracted to in the first place along with his charm. He told me I was his soul mate and wanted a quick marriage, matching tattoos etc. It’s all surreal now. I allowed this guy to live with me when he had nowhere else to go, then when his dad let him back into his house he would pick and choose when to come round and would always just turn up or demand things. It was never about me. ALWAYS him. He turned up at my work place after we split up too I pretended i didn’t see him he had no reason to be there. He doesn’t live or work by where I work. The thing im the most happy with is the fact he doesn’t tend to do the same thing twice and loved to keep me guessing. One thing that did stick in my mind once after he finished it and I allowed him back was a statement he made ‘I’m like a drug, I never go away’ but now it’s been over a week since I found the note on my car and im still blocked, still forgotten and not heard a peep. This feels different purely because he thinks I’m with someone else who I imagine he is afraid of ‘being bigger than him’ he was obssessed with muscles and so on. He could only bully men when he was drunk. so In all honesty I think he’s got someone better or has got his eye on someone better and is leaving me to get over it all. I’m starting to see I have probably had a lucky escape. Sociopath or not he treated me very badly and no one deserves that.

      2. Yes you are right, he did treat you badly, and what you are describing, does sound like sociopathic behaviour.

        Rarely do they vanish off of the face of the earth. Often they allow you time to ‘calm down’ …. before contacting you again. Sometimes it can be a year later. Typical sociopathic comment, to say that he is like a drug, this is because he knows how to play the game. That is all that it is, a game. Which is sad, as the victim loves with all of their heart.

        Him being away is good though as it will give you time to heal and recover. Every single day he is out of your life, you can regain your own life back.

        But don’t be surprised if out of the blue you get the ‘hi how are you?’…… randomly out of the blue, as that is what they do.

  28. Oh I know, he’s tried coming back a fair few times telling me he did love me afterall and It took time away from me to realise it without any other distractions or drama. Truth is there will probably always be drama with him. The last promise he made me and is the only one I actually believe is ‘you won’t see me again’ after all like I said he’s tried so many times to come back and I have never backed down. Not even he’s got that sort of nerve surely after what he put me through. I’m sticking to the no contact and taking it each day at a time. I don’t hate him. That would just put me on his level because he was so full of hatred and I am to be the complete opposite to him. I don’t use people, I love with all my heart and I’m a good person. I’m lucky to have the people I do have in my life because frankly if it wasn’t for them my eyes would never have been fully opened to what he was doing to me even though I knew it was wrong in my own heart. it was those people that gave me the strength to finally walk away. I also thank you for this website because over the last few months it’s been my saviour. Just reading it when I was feeling hurt and low made such a difference on me. So my message to anyone dealing with this sort of thing is to be the bigger person, your worth so much more. NEVER let anyone else change who you are. We aren’t the weak little people they make us out to be. Take one day at a time just like me. It’s making me a stronger person :0) the guy I was with may or may not be a sociopath, and may not treat his new lover like he did me but the fact remains the same. We ARE worth more.

  29. 18 months NC now, two things really preoccupy me. 1) Yes he does treat the new supply better…none of the crap & horrorshow…looks like i was just bad for him & he really cares for her… way more secure & stable situation…proud of his new 21 yr.old slim blond little fragile looking thing. so maybe he really just needed to find the one he truly loved? 2)Why did i have to self-destruct and get all these permanent bad markers on my life and be smeared beyond fixing? loved?

    1. How do u know for sure there’s no crap or horror though? Are you sure you know what’s going on behind closed doors? She may be there for the same reasons you stayed? Manipulation, lies etc. Maybe she’s just not seen the light yet? i can relate though. My ex was with the mother of his children for 6 years, she finished with him. He used physical force with her while pregnant and yet I still sit here wondering about what he’s doing now and who with and the thought of him with someone else still kills me. He seemed to really be in love with his ex, when I questioned it and said I would never be her he said that he didn’t love her he just missed his kids. (Still don’t know the truth with that one) I still sit here thinking she’s obviously better than me, he fancies her more than me etc. Why me? Why couldn’t he be like that with me for longer than two months and for the rest of it treat me like dirt hanging on his calls! I honestly don’t know what he’s doing or who with. I know my ex got someone else then finished it, tried coming back to me thinking I hadn’t found out about her. See my ex never threw it in my face. He was very secretive and sly about his own actual life. When I said ‘you have a girlfriend now’ one time when he tried to come back he tried to deny it until I said ‘I saw it on Facebook (he didn’t know i knew about his account he recently set up. He had always had one under a false name to spy on his ex, he would send me snap shots of her and her new fella with 😢😪 attached to the picture he was sending me of them) Maybe he even used it to spy on me, although he didn’t need to because I told the truth about everything and he knew it! After initially trying to deny it I told him I had also drove past himtwice with Her in the car, I honestly had. He said ‘did you?’ Then quickly changed the subject. I take comfort in the fact that yes he may be treating someone else better but he treated ME badly, at first I allowed it, but I had too much respect for myself. why should I be second best? Why should I not call any shots in this so called relationship of ‘ours’ I was only ever ‘babe’ when he felt like it and wanted something. Why would you want to carry on being treated like that? Regardless of how he treats Her, he treated YOU badly. honestly I know it hurts I really really do. I have cried this afternoon for the exact same reason. I have little periods of sadness and then I gain a little strength. I take a bit of comfort from crying. It makes me a little bit stronger afterwards. I just dont want to be crying forever. Just take comfort in the fact you have risen above him allowing him to treat u badly regardless.

  30. p.s. you are one of the best in the world at this….you’re understanding & compassion for each little struggling soul whether they have a sociopath or not is beautiful. we are all so hurt and we’ve heard plenty from everybody but so little true kindness. i don’t need any more tough love, it has been my experience that kindness is the only thing that seems to just melt my heart and dissolve the defenses & pain. As though your unmistakeable and pure compassion connects us back to the kindness and love we had (have?) in our heart. It remembers us back to our truest self that we became ashamed of. The only other nearest you is Peace. So, well, just thank you very much. Us older ones don’t have as much to look forward to i think. I know for me…i want truth not not fantasy hope b.s. cuz that blind optimism and trusting nature is what got me here.

  31. the p.s. was for positivagirl cuz i’ve been on site lurking for a year and only yesterday registered. Thanks to all who respond. i live like a hermit now. there’s been no ‘moving on’ unfortunately.i try not to think of his new women/target but its the idea i had no value in HIS world that fake or not he’d be civil, treat me halfway decent to look good, or keep as a fallback friend or even ‘supply’. Or to to keep up his image as not a POS. like he knew now one would stand up fpr me and they didn’t. He humiliated me in public not behind close doors. So they not only dont love you, they see you as having no value or worth to even be used! and as ridiculous as that sounds, that bothers me. Like i had nothing to offer, never had done anything for him (only everything) and worse, he wanted everyone else to see me that way too. But she doesnt have to deal with constant moving, job loss, friend & support loss, ruined credit, no stability for work or rental applications, legal crap. All of which have fallen on me and made moving forward near impossible where i live. Especially financially and also in terms of my reputation. She does get the princess treatment. Honestly, i am jealous. And im older there amy not ever be the “next one” that i’m supposed to do better because I’ve learned so much. My belief system got torn down with questions and doubt. I left many times and could not sustain it by mself. The lonliness was what i was scared of. It is why i stayed and it is what torments me now. The fact is if I never made it home for dinner, no one would ever know. Yup, that is why i stayed too long. There’s no one in my life who has known me longer than mere weeks or maybe a few months. And i’m not like i was, not as sweet more mean and defensive i think.

  32. Again I completely understand. I’m 29 28 when I fell for it this guy was 23 with a 4 year old and a 6 month old! I mean even then I thought what the hell is going on here etc. He couldn’t have been split from his ex long (I never got a truthful answer to that question either Really) I should have known better too but I guess age doesn’t come into it when they are such good liars who turn everything around and answer each and every question you ask them with something they know you want to hear. I think he gave a damn about me originally, maybe a little but not for long. Just stuff he would say and then it all changed and the belittling me in public (telling his brothers about sexual stuff to do with me) then when he knew i was pissed off he told me to ‘come on, let’s go to mine and get this over with’ that was the first time I saw the flash of anger and the face change. He was driving along biting his nails and telling me ‘he didn’t wanna argue, he had had enough arguing with her’ I said I don’t want to argue either I just didn’t like you telling your brothers that sort of stuff in front of me’ but his face changed from the kind one i knew to this straight faced no emotion face. The second time was shortly before I ended it. When we were out and having a drink, one of his mates met us. And I don’t really remember what started it but he had said something quite degrading because I remember his friend going ‘Jesus that’s a bit harsh’ he shrugged his shoulders and said ‘I’m still gonna get a s**g though’ He thought this was funny and really didn’t get my point of view the next day. He just shrugged it off and said ‘God I was joking’ behind closed doors he tended to show off less and would often turn his back on me in bed unless he wanted something and would never just cuddle. He would look at himself in the mirror and say ‘I’m a sexy b*****d’ and ask me if he ‘looked hot’ he knew I always thought he did. no matter what he had on! I only ever got told I ‘looked fit’ once or twice after the original exchange of pictures and he already had me hooked. Maybe our age difference didnt help the situation either. I’m so old headed, always have been. I just don’t know. You don’t say how old you are and you may think that from a 29 year olds perspective I don’t know how u feel. But I do. Although I have people around me I still feel helpless, I still feel let down, hurt, questioning my own ability, questioning my worth, I have let everyone down especially myself when I had warning signs yet still went along and fell for him. There are only so many times someone close can hear your story before they get fed up of hearing it too. I keep going over the same old stuff and its bound to wear them down too. I can see it in their eyes that they just think ‘God will you just get over it’ no one really understands unless u have lived it. I want to move away because I look for him everywhere. Even though I know he’s moved away from here. His kids still live close and his mother lives round the corner. I don’t know what days he picks them up now and I dont know when he’s going to be at his mums etc so I can’t avoid the area at certain times. He promised me I won’t see him again the last time we spoke so its only going to be these ‘bumping into’ occasions I have to deal with. I’m going to have to avoid that route from now on either way because seeing that car tonight sent me into a sobbing mess. It doesn’t matter if you are alone you still have to remember to have pride in yourself and its better to be alone than treated with so much disrespect as hurtful as it is. Believe me I know but it’s what’s keeping me going inbetween the breaking down bouts of tears and lashing out.

      1. The last time we spoke over txt (facebook) when I was able to reply was three weeks ago yesterday before he blocked me but I found the note on my car two weeks ago tomorrow. However I think it was left the day before on the evening of the 19th, I only found it on my car on the 20th. It had been raining My actual birthday the 18th and this note was bone dry so couldn’t have been there more than 24 hrs. He couldn’t even get my birthday right and left it on a piece of his work card. I wasn’t even worth a proper card from him.

  33. I don’t know what his intentions are or ever were other than to fill a void that his ex left. He played so many mind games i don’t honestly know how his mind works. He’s never blocked my Facebook account because he wasn’t on there until recently. He kept contacting me via Instagram despite him already blocking me on that too but I could never find him because he blocked me and he found me twice, tried to talk then liked a photo which meant I could then find him to block him. My sister thinks him blocking me on Facebook is him having his last little bit of control because he only needs to hot that unblock button and I wont know because I’m not searching for him now etc. Honestly it’s so confusing wondering is he gonna try again, is he trying to watch me etc. I know he deep down doesn’t care who I’m with or what I’m doing its just the unpredictableness of it all.

    1. Actually no i rephrase that. What I should have said is I don’t know what his intentions were other than to make himself sound like the most amazing guy ever, lie to me over and over, do things behind my back, be violent, secretive and aggressive, Jekyll and Hyde until someone better came along or just until I wizened up and couldn’t take his disrespect anymore. I dont think his intentions are to come back, he’s tried and tried. In his words in one of his last messages ‘I have been persistent and where’s it got me?’ He honestly didnt see what he had done wrong. He knows it’s pointless even trying because he’s tried and tried and j have never showed I’m scared of him and I have only ever let him back into my life twice. He knows I mean what I say now and is probably out tonight on the prowl hoping to meet a girl or already has one on his arm.

      Positive I know you probably get so many messages but I would love to know what you think about my comment on the test page if you do get a chance. Im 99% sure I saw the mask slip then and a few times before that instance. Thanks in advance

      1. HI DIGGS,., i know you have a good heart cuz u took the time to think about and reply to my post and in the lonely months very few did that. so much of your story clicks with my experience with a guy like this. i diidn’t really need to hear ‘run, run’ or all the other overused cliches. (my fave: i “allowed” it). But i thought i’d tell you that IMO, he does sound like the basic sociopath type and you are in a really crappy, horrible part of the D & D (devalue & discard). And worst of all, subconsciously you probably know it. I’d go crazy trying to ‘fix’ every little thing, correct any possible mistake or selfish thing, not be needy or cry too much…blah,blah, blah. I wondered what he was seeing in me to make him say these things and act like everyone agreed with him. BUT REALLY, it was just the classic gut wrenching sociopathic slow death scenario of this using, mean-spirited man who was done with me and had already secured his new supply. This is their favorite part. Try and see it and detach yourself while you are still right there talking with him and interacting, cuz it sounds like you’re still pretty involved. I kept going back like a numbskull. Dont let him know ANYTHING. it gives you power.
        I highly recommend divorcing yourself from ‘Fakebook’ er uh, Facebook, his and yours. Its just sooooo stupid what people do trying to paint this not real image of themselves & their lives. Think about it. Don’t help make the world more like sociopaths. With your man; opt out…smile and slowly back away. Don’t tell him a thing. because he never tells you anything. He’s lying. I beleive in you.

  34. Hi everyone, I’d like your help on determining if my ex might be a sociopath. My story is definitely less extreme than some of the others on here but I just feel terrible, much worse than when I’ve ended any other relationship, and I guess I’m trying to figure out why.

    I met a girl back in July, through a friend. It definitely felt like we had a soulmate-type connection and she would tell me things like it felt like she had known me for years, like I was incredibly special and unlike any guy she’d known before. I remember on our first date we ended up going back to her place and just kissing for about 10 hours straight. I was utterly convinced I’d found my soulmate and the look in her eyes, and her words, told me the same thing. She would talk about what to name our children, things like that. At the same time she would say I wasn’t her boyfriend, and she wanted to be single for a little while. But she just acted like I was her boyfriend, I met her parents, and she invited me to stay for a week at her place while I was moving between apartments. This was at the end of August. One night while at her place she told me she’d deleted all her dating apps and told guys she had been talking to that she wasn’t interested because she was seeing someone (me) more seriously now. All of this came from her, with no pushing from me. She told me she felt unbelievably lucky to be with me. At the same time, she would get really mad at me for innocent little things like making the bed squeak or being slightly messy, and she once said she would like to hurt me with her fingernails but I didn’t let her. But just the fact that we could gaze into each others eyes for hours and any time I smiled she would get this massive foolish grin on her face, it all convinced me that she was the one for me and she thought I was really special.

    Anyway at the end of August when I moved into my new place she started becoming a little distant, but we were both starting school and I just put it down to her being stressed and really busy with work, which she confirmed. On my birthday in mid-September I told her I loved her but that she didn’t have to say it to me if she didn’t feel it yet. She said she loved me too but was scared, I just tried to comfort her but she never said what she was scared of. A week later when we were in bed she said she was mad at me for saying I loved her, and that she didn’t want to say it back but she did because it was my birthday. But the message was that I had wronged her in some way. I asked her if I’d ruined everything and she said no we would still be together. I had a very important exam coming up a month later, so I was busy with reviewing the material but still making an effort to see her, we saw each other a few times and she still made me feel special even though she was quite distant. Anyway 7 days before my exam, we had arranged to get lunch together but she called me in the middle of the day, to tell me she was seeing someone else. Well as you can imagine I felt like I was dying when I heard the news. She seemed genuinely apologetic, and begged me not to be mad at her. When I asked her if it meant she didn’t want to see me any more, she said no. When I asked her if she liked this new guy, she said no. When I asked her if we could meet up and talk about it – she said let’s wait until after your exam, because I’m confused and don’t know what I want.

    So I somehow miraculously passed my exam, and went to meet her. And she was acting towards me the same way as always, same body language, same smile, same connection, and she was smiling even while she told me she didn’t want to see me any more. Not a hint of remorse or empathy, even while I just sat there crying. She couldn’t give me any reasons why. What I did manage to discover though, was that she had been on several dates with several other guys, all behind my back. And apparently all this started at around the same time as I was living with her, which if you remember was the same time she was telling me that she was actively turning guys away, saying she was in a serious relationship. It’s like she was intentionally luring me into a false sense of security. She just defended her actions by saying we had never technically discussed exclusivity. But it was clear that that’s what our relationship was. She also said none of her dates had been serious, but that really made me wonder why she would even bring that up, on the phone, 7 days before my qualifying exams. When I asked her why she didn’t tell me she was dating other guys at the time, she just said she thought it was irrelevant.

    So I texted her quite recently just asking her why she would call me 7 days before my exam to tell me that she was seeing someone else, when she should have either told me from the beginning, or since she decided to omit that information, at least keep it to herself until after my exams. I was just hoping for an apology I guess. Instead, she attacked me. She told me I was being unfair, she directly lied by saying she had told me much earlier that she was seeing other guys, she got angry saying I had wronged her by telling some of my friends that she was my girlfriend. Well this last part is true but she only found out about that after we broke up, so is irrelevant to her previous behavior. She made it clear that she did not care at all about my feelings, and didn’t think she’d done anything wrong.

    On the wise advice of my sister, I just texted her back saying I couldn’t believe how deceitful she was being and please don’t contact me again.

    And what does her friend, who introduced us, have to say about this? She says she’s seen my ex go through hundreds of boys – she always seems to have someone hanging around, but it changes every few months. But apparently I am the first guy who has actually been friends with any of my ex’s friends, and apparently my ex never opens up about relationships to any of her friends. So this is the first time her behavior has been revealed to one of her friends. And her friend is not defending her at all, in fact she’s on my side, saying I have to stay away because she’s dangerous.

    The funny thing is I knew my ex had had loads of boyfriends before, because she told me, but she just convinced me that I was the special one.

    Anyway I’m sorry it’s so long but I’d really appreciate any help and guidance you guys can give!

  35. thank you :0) no I’m not involved with him anymore he’s moved on and I’m trying to do the same. We don’t speak so I can’t tell him anything even if I wanted to. I’m struggling with the lies and emotional side of it really. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn’t feel ‘unloveable’ before I met him so why feel like it now? I know I have a good heart for sure l, even he told me I was a good person and if I was a bit more of a bitch maybe people would stop walking all over me. He said this when We broke up the first time then came back a week later. Damn it I wish I had have known what the next few months were gonna be like. I laughed for the first time yesterday I mean proper laughter the kind when tears run down your face it felt so good to laugh the way I used to. I was ALWAYS laughing and smiling before. It’s how a lot of people realised I wasn’t myself in the end. I rarely smiled and even if I did it was faked. I can’t delete my Facebook it’s how I stay in touch a lot with various people? And he’s winning if I do take it down isn’t he? Like I say I’m blocked now and I can’t find him because of it. My profile is private unless you are a friend and we have never been friends on there. All he can see should he want to is my profile picture. He already knows where I live and work and one things for sure I will NOT let him turf me out of my beautiful little flat or the job I love!! He’s tainted enough of me he’s not tainting anymore! Besides if he really wanted to find me he would. Regardless of me putting up walls to stop him. He’s stopped now anyway I feel it deep down. My world is calm :0)

  36. I’ve been surfing many sites for the past weeks to try to get more insight in wether or not the guy I dated was a sociopath. The comments found here are very helpful and the People are really strong sharing their stories. I also have a Story to share. I moved back to my home country some months ago when my father unexpectedly died of cancer. Not long after, I came into contact again with my childhood boyfriend whom I hadn’t seen or heard from in over 18 years. He was living with his girlfriend but love bombed me and had me convinced within two weeks he was my definite soulmate. I told him I would never be the other woman and so he broke up with her – or so he told me. We only spent a short time together but in weeks he asked me to marry him. Pleaded with me to have unprotected sex because our love was so pure and started planning trips to Vegas (we live in the Netherlands). He told me so many heart breaking stories about his past, his father alledgedly having cancer as well, and his girlfriend (or ex) whom he needed to guide through their break up because she couldnt handle life alone. She would be going to Spain during the holidays (where she’s from) and he would count the days that we could be without her interference. We’ve had sex in their bed, his parents house (while they were on a short trip) and basically spent all day texting, calling, emailing, facebook and so on. He convinced me to give him money to support him pay for his school (Yes i realize now he is 30yo loser) because due to the breakup with his ex he wasnt able to affort all of it on his own. As i write this now, i realize how stupid ive been. After some weeks i became tired. He wanted to talk abt how sad his situation was (him breaking up with this Women he respect so much for me -notice he never said he loves her), but never let me mourn my dad, my situation, my moving back home. I got tired and told him he needed to sort out his stuff with the ex before getting back to me. Then the stonewalling began, he cut me off, and Then would contact me again, he confused me so much. One minute he would tell me he Just needed time to work it all out before we could be together, the next he would be completely cold and uncaring. I broke off contact (again). He contactedd me again after some days asking me if i could set him up at a new apartment. I said no. Days later he was again back with his ex all happy and sharing their love on facebook. He drove me completely insane and sad. He Then walsed right over me by attacking my behaviour and personality. When i got really angry for him not respecting me during already very vulnerable times which were very hurtful, taking advantage of me and getting back with his ex right after he saw i wouldnt be of much help to him, he attacked my personality Saying things would never gone this way had i been different. He also accused me of too much drama (when grieving my father Who died at age 60). I am so confused. He has been so hurtful and at times i wonder wether the soulmate part was real, allthough i learn now it is Just love bombing, but also if he is a narcissist or sociopath (obviously lacking feelings and empathy), how come he has long term friends? Or his ex went back to him ( she alledgedly knows about me). He blocked me on facebook now. A week ago he told me he never wanted to hear from me, that i was sick and not able to let him go – when i accused him of being borderline disturbed for running back to his ex after sending me tickets for Vegas to get hitched. I am so tired. My friends Dont understand why i Dont let it go. I feel like i wasnt able to mourn my loss for months because he took up all my time and energy. And now he dropped me as a rock and it feels horrible. He also started lies about me and im not sure where and among Who is spreiding lies like things about my past Job and other useless lies like those. For now i Just need some guidance on wether indeed he is a narcissist or sociopath or wether it was me. Even though i know rationally that it wasnt. I acted horribly i must admit at the end, but to add this to the pain was Just too much I guess.

  37. I have been married 17 years. My husband is the sweetest most understanding man and completely supports me. However we NEVER have physical itimicies. I am living with a roommate. Here is where things get “interesting”….. I met another man who meets ALL but one criteria in the list above. Charismatic, tender, praiseful saying I was awesome. I ended up sleeping with him. I was SO starved for affection and intimacy….(I know, I know, cheating on your husband…..) but truely this man swept me off my feet. ABSOLUTELY amazing kisser. AMAZING in bed. I never thought I would experience this kind of intimacy again after going years withing physical connection with my husband. But soon this man started speaking to me poorly. Said I was the one with the problem. That he has never been with someone who has treated him so poorly. He would call or text and if I didn’t answer he would call again and say if I didn’t phone back in 10 minutes we were done. (Jeeze I was driving on a highway in crazy traffic). He has recently dumped me. I feel rejected just like with my husband. I miss the physical intimacy with this psycho. I am devastated we are no longer together. I wonder if I am crazy bc I want to be with this person. WHY DO I MISS SOMEONE WHO TREATED ME SO POORLY? I cannot get him out of my mind…..he showed up to a dance with another woman one week after dumping me. I am hurt.
    Please. PLEASE someone tell me what to do!!! I know I shouldn’t be treated that way but I guess I like the “bad boy”. My relationship with my husband is not salvageable. He doesn’t want counselling or help to figure out WHY he doesn’t want to touch me….I’m wondering if I was looking for a rescue and at the wrong place at the wrong time and he saw I needed rescuing from my marriage. PLEASE I need someone to help me get this psycho out of my mind.
    (Your suggestions are appreciated but please no judgement or slamming bc I cheated on my husband). I am messed up. This guy really did a mind job on me but why would I be so weak and willing to take him back. Please I am hurting so much. I have to stop myself from contacting him.

  38. Cheeky,
    Whether your ex fits in the S, NS, or PS categories, it definitely sounds like she is immature in how she handles relationships. It is good that you move on from her.

  39. My ex – husband is also a narcissist sociopath. He did not show his true colors till I was already married to him had children with him. At first he was charming and my family and I thought, the perfect husband. But he turn out to be abusive, a major lier, and a cheater. Now he is in jail for 50 years for beating me up.

  40. Has anyone else experienced anything similar to me. My son expresses all the signs of being a sociopath at the age of 17. Constant lying and covering lies with even more bizzare stories,. Often turning problems that he has created into him being the victim, such as saying he has been bullied or someone he knows serioulsy ill or died just after being sent home from college for disruptive and abusive behaviour. Often telling us of friends on the internet that are ill or nasty so we can’t check his story. He has even told people that his parents have died in a car crash !!
    Constantly changing his mind about what he is wanting to study, particuarly after being excluded from school because of his disruptive behaviour. Trying to get money out of us to help friends that are in need. But spending the money on cigarettes or even drugs.

    As well as all this showing extreme violent tendancies, constantly taliking about hurting or killing people, watching horrible stuff on UTube (one of the worst things ever invented!!). And then saying why do people do these things to make us feel sorry for him and to get sympathy.

    He never shows any remorse for what he has done, but does nothing to gain respect. I know that a lot of this is teenage behaviour but his unbelievable lying is the main issue. Even when presented with the truth he still cannot admit his lies. Whenever asked why he does things the answer is either I don’t know or because I can.

    Would be interested to know if anyone else has children that they recognise as sociaopaths and what they have done in this situation

    1. Duke, I am not in your situation but I am sympathetic and hope you find help. When I was young my older brother exhibited a lot of this behavior – lying, being disruptive, angry. He was expelled from grade school. We had to move to get him into another school. Today he would have most likely been diagnosed as ADHD and perhaps with sociopathic tendencies but back then they just chalked it up to the fact that he was a boy (hyper), his parents were not together and maybe even blamed it on being mixed race. He was always getting into trouble. Most of his anger was directed toward me, the younger sister. It got to the point where my mom just couldn’t handle him and his violence toward me crossed the line of sibling rivalry. I was living in fear and she couldn’t be around all the time and was really afraid he would harm me. At about age 10 or 11 he was sent to a private school – a boarding school. It was very structured -not military but structured. He was gone for 2 years and it helped him. But again – different times and no diagnosis.

      From your description of your son’s behavior it does sound like he is showing signs. Teenage angst is an issue and a lot of people go through not knowing what they want to study, etc. but when you add in the lying, no remorse, interest in violence, playing the victim, being manipulative – it gives me chills. What we’ve learned, or rather what we’ve had to learn from reading about personality disorders and from dealing with the sociopath (or narcissist sociopath) in our lives is that change is typically not possible. The S or NS does not see anything wrong with how they conduct themselves in their life and in fact they blame others for anything that goes wrong. People are there for them to use and unfortunately, parents are not spared but may be used even more because the S will exploit the emotional bond that the parent has with them. That is why people on this forum have had to learn to change their own behavior in dealing (or not dealing) with the N or NS in their lives.

      We’ve heard counseling doesn’t typically work to change the behavior of the S or NS because they just lie and manipulate the therapist the way they do everyone else. They may pretend change just to get something – like if you promise him a new car after completing drug/alcohol treatment and therapy, and he appears to have changed but most likely the change would be a lie. You said he uses drugs. I’m wondering how much? I’ve known people where their behavior was motivated by obtaining drugs and alcohol and so participating in treatment for drug/alcohol abuse, changed their behavior. But there are others who exhibit S behavior either way so in that case the personality disorder is the issue.

      I would definitely seek help from a professional – for you – to get an objective opinion and gain knowledge. I also wouldn’t take anything lightly, especially the tendency toward violence. It sounds horrible because it’s your son but we’ve all learned the hard way that we had to protect ourselves from the S in our lives.

    2. Duke,
      I am not in your situation but I am sympathetic and hope you find help. When I was young my older brother exhibited a lot of this behavior – lying, being disruptive, angry. He was expelled from grade school. We had to move to get him into another school. Today he would have most likely been diagnosed as ADHD and perhaps with sociopathic tendencies but back then they just chalked it up to the fact that he was a boy (hyper), his parents were not together and maybe even blamed it on being mixed race. He was always getting into trouble. Most of his anger was directed toward me, the younger sister. It got to the point where my mom just couldn’t handle him and his violence toward me crossed the line of sibling rivalry. I was living in fear and she couldn’t be around all the time and was really afraid he would harm me. At about age 10 or 11 he was sent to a private school – a boarding school. It was very structured -not military but structured. He was gone for 2 years and it helped him. But again – different times and no diagnosis.

      From your description of your son’s behavior it does sound like he is showing signs. Teenage angst is an issue and a lot of people go through not knowing what they want to study, etc. but when you add in the lying, no remorse, interest in violence, playing the victim, being manipulative – it gives me chills. What we’ve learned, or rather what we’ve had to learn from reading about personality disorders and from dealing with the sociopath (or narcissist sociopath) in our lives is that change is typically not possible. The S or NS does not see anything wrong with how they conduct themselves in their life and in fact they blame others for anything that goes wrong. People are there for them to use and unfortunately, parents are not spared but may be used even more because the S will exploit the emotional bond that the parent has with them. That is why people on this forum have had to learn to change their own behavior in dealing (or not dealing) with the N or NS in their lives.

      We’ve heard counseling doesn’t typically work to change the behavior of the S or NS because they just lie and manipulate the therapist the way they do everyone else. They may pretend change just to get something – like if you promise him a new car after completing drug/alcohol treatment and therapy, and he appears to have changed but most likely the change would be a lie. You said he uses drugs. I’m wondering how much? I’ve known people where their behavior was motivated by obtaining drugs and alcohol and so participating in treatment for drug/alcohol abuse, changed their behavior. But there are others who exhibit S behavior either way so in that case the personality disorder is the issue.

      I would definitely seek help from a professional – for you – to get an objective opinion and gain knowledge. I also wouldn’t take anything lightly, especially the tendency toward violence. It sounds horrible because it’s your son but we’ve all learned the hard way that we had to protect ourselves from the S in our lives.

  41. Thank you everyone….. for me a light has now gone on.
    I am so sorry to all you lovely ladies go thru the horrors you have been thru…. have been put thru by these evil monsters.
    How sad to think people like these exist in this world.
    The good news…. we survived them… or we will.
    We stand together, thru blogs like this, and will show them….. we are stronger then them and that’s now hard, , and we refuse to play their cruel childish games anymore, recognise them for the players they are, and we will move on to much better, happier lives, because we choose too…. with lessons learned, and they will have no part in them. How ? Easy.
    By recognising the fact, we fell in love with a male (not man), who never ever existed…..
    Detachment becomes so much easier, when the truth is told.
    Yes I have had one of these males in my life for the past 3 years… pretending to be in a relationship with me. … when it suited him.
    His problem has been for the past year, I have refused to play his game and I see thru the lies and the emotional and verbal abuse, I now see him for exactly who he is, and what he is
    … according to him, I am just a piece of shit, and he told me that…. and all the other abuse he could possible hearl my way… the degradation, the cheating, the lying, trying to drag me down to his level, the rape, the physical hurting, the destruction financially, mentally and emotionally, the cutting of my wrist and refusal to take me to the hospital, screaming over the phone at me in the hospital just before I was to have cancer surgery, and again when I was waiting for the results.. …. . and now I see him for who he really is…. and now after reading this column, I can see, I am not alone.
    So why did I let it happen ? Because I never knew males like that existed in this world….. I have learned my lesson.
    The hard way ? Then so be it.
    I will be ok, and I will move on and create a happy, fulfilled and amazing life and he will not make me just like him …..and I will turn things around… and it will be better than ever before. …. and so will you. ! 🙂

  42. After reading all these comments about what people like me have done to effectively innocent girls i am very sorry for you all and wish to tell you that although i mach up to pritty much all the criteria of a sociopath i have never ruined a girls life like that by feeeding them falce lies and facads then after a while when i get bored of them just changing and becoming hostile and i very much hope that i never do however after reading this i can see that i do do all those things that make me a sociopath and i lie allot and easily but i have not as of yet changed my facade / gotten bored of Nessy (and bored is the way to describe the resion i have changed my facade and become very hostile in the past and just forced people away) however i must say it is becoming more and more dificult to do even though a part of me wants to stay with her another part of me seems to be getting tired of her in the same way i would get bored of a book if i read it over and over again

  43. been through hell and back with a sociopath ex. Suicide threats, lies after lies which I believed. claimed she had depression.
    She said i was the most important person ever and giving me so many complements at first but then after 3 weeks it went down hill it was all about her something always happened every week. She knew id jump as she kept on saying stuff that would stress me out . I gave her so many chances as i thought she was going to change but the abuse kept on coming. Even tried to get my attention by saying she was in a car crash. I lost so much weight being in the relationship my health and wellbeing was at the lowest point ever. I couldn’t even recognise myself she even sent me horrible and scary photos after the break up. She turned my life upside down, no empathy no remorse.
    I now know what a sociopath is and what they do. Anyone who has gone through this you need to realise that it was not your fault. You were being controlled and used. It may be hard to take in but you were Emotionally, Physiologically and sexually abused which allow you to question reality and peoples views. These people play with your mind and alter you own perceptions to make them believe them. Even when finding out that they lied and confronting them they will blame everyone else and get angry, start the crying game. after the break up they will go on like noting has happened play the victim and continue on the rest of their life as if I didn’t exist.
    I am gradually picking up the pieces but I do get a lot of flashbacks of past events. This has taught me the my naivety and being too nice can get me hurt and it has got me hurt. Im looking forward to making myself a better person.

    1. Thanks for sharing Daniel, great comment. I know what you mean about the work involved in fixing you after their abuse. It can take some effort, but this is obvious as it takes the sociopath all of their efforts to manipulate and play you. You cannot be too nice, don’t change you because of the sociopath – only to undo the brain washing.

  44. If you come in contact with anyone like this…RUN…I reconnected with an old friend from school that ended up being a Sociopath. It has cost me my marriage, family, finances, mental status, and overall well being. He sucked everything out of me. I was on top of the world. More money than I knew what to do with…family and friends to spend time with everyday…healthy and fit…and just happy everyday I woke up. He sucked it all out of me. Now I am trying to pick myself up and start over……Just tell yourself everyday …No they are NOT your soulmate…they are the Devil. I consider myself a person that is an easy read on someone so I have no idea how this happened to me. I guess the picture that was painted was just too good to be true.

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