The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Whilst not a comprehensive list, these traits show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath.
1. Charismatic and charming
For the sociopath, image is everything. At least the image that he/she gives to the outside world. When you first meet, you will be bowled over at just how charismatic and charming he/she is. He will constantly flatter you. Sometimes this will seem false to you, He/she might tell you how incredible that you look. You know that this isn’t true. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life.
Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you.
His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life.
2. Superficial and glib
A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself. The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show.
You might witness him/her being one person with a certain person, and somebody completely different with somebody else. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril.
The sociopath will say anything. They will say things to you, that you have already told them. This is designed to build trust, so that you think that this person knows and understands you really well. They make false empty promises, waste your time, and say things that they have no intention of ever coming true.
3. Lack of connection to their past
It is often too late and you are emotionally involved, by the time that you realise you haven’t met anybody from his past. He/she often moved to your city/town for work reasons, or some other excuse. Or maybe you met online. At first it doesn’t occur to you that you have never met anybody of significant importance to him. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses.
Most people do not meet others close in the very initial stages of a relationship; it’s usually an intimate time. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to?
Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.
4. Huge ego
All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are with the opposite sex (but how they have chosen you, because you are special). They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed.
They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self.
5. They play victim
Of course, if the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He can tell tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him (who you have never met, and most likely never would).
His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. It will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will also encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities.
6. They want to spend ALL of their time with you – showers you with attention and flattery
At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world. They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day.
At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. You wish that he/she had his own family and friends to spend time with. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love.
7. Sexual charisma and magnetism
All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth.
A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone.
9. They are compulsive pathological liars, manipulative and deceptive
Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth.
The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings.
When caught in a lie a sociopath will always
- · Change the subject
- · Blame someone else
- · If pushed will become angry, and point out your shortcomings, but rarely will he ever admit to the lie.
The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more.
A sociopath can go to great lengths to cover for his lies. An example of this, is someone who ‘fakes’ going to work every day, so that they can live off of you for free, whilst they are (fictitiously) waiting for pay.
10. Lives like a parasite
Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. Often a sociopath will see YOU as his/her career option. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour. He tells lies, so that you think that he isn’ t just some dead beat loser. He will talk of business plans, or a great career, and that maybe he is just temporarily down on his luck. But he sells you a good, honest moralistic man, with great prospects (it is all a lie).
Sociopaths love getting anything for free. They see this as ‘winning’ and it makes them feel good. It makes them feel good for two reasons.
- It shows how stupid other people are (and therefore how clever they are)
- It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment.
All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Even high functioning sociopaths like certain politicians, who put in false claims for expenses and live off a great life at the tax payers’ expense.
11. Comes on strong and moves fast
If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible.
If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people (which might be negative towards him), and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for.
12. Seems to have so much in common with you, appears a ‘soulmate’ connection
A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.
You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.
If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be.
13. Socially isolates you
One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence.
Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign.
In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else.
14. Is very dramatic
Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They do not mind having dramas or who sees them doing this, as they simply ‘do not care’. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change. Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Sociopaths LOVE drama. they are drawn to it like magnets. If there isn’t any drama, well they will create some.
15. Lack of life plan and long term goals
Some sociopaths work (high functioning ones), but low functioning ones do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they lose their jobs, or have a history of trouble in the workplace. Unless given an easy route for working, many sociopaths think that work is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change and get a job. But this is not very likely.
They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true.
A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future.
16. Immaturity
Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from the past and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for other human beings. The sociopath has no real care for the rights of others. But he may feign care, if he thinks that it is to his advantage. If he thinks that showing care will lure you in, or seduce you, or manipulate you, he will act responsible and caring.
Like a teenager, the sociopath is demanding (masked with charm), and very selfish. They only think of their own needs (what is in it for me)? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them.
17. Predatory stare
- Ok, they don’t all look THIS crazy…. but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville – definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.
It is not just the ‘stare’ (see above) The sociopath also comes up CLOSE. It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. You can literally feel like you are ‘prey’. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! At first, this is flattering, later into the relationship it can feel ‘suffocating.
18. Will always blame someone else – lack of remorse, guilt or shame
When a sociopath has had a sociopathic, narcissistic meltdown (remember most of the time he has his mask on), you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this.
When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. Usually when the sociopath is behaving this way, he is often in ruining stage and just will ‘not care’. There will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions.
The sociopath is never to blame, everything will always be somebody else’s fault. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.
19. Jealousy and paranoia
The sociopath is extremely jealous and paranoid. Will accuse you of things that you haven’t done (that often they have done). You will feel that you are constantly defending yourself against false accusations.
Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are
Copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
My sociopath just robbed me and my business blind. $300k our the door. Hopped in the motorhome and took off. Left me the 3 kids; age 5,3,1. Then files a restraining order on me afraid I’ll throw acid in her face! She’s living large out there claims she just wants to be alone.
Oh gosh Josh. Yes this is typical sociopathic behaviour. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Sorry that happened to you.
I think the guy i am dating is a sociopath.
He even told me he was an unempathic sociopath so i read this article we got into it last night and he said some really hurtful things. It was like he was a completely different person. Reading this it sounds just like him. And im an empathic women . so we do not mix.
Josh , i hope everything gets better for you and the little ones. Chin up !
Sociopaths love empaths. They like to play on your emotions. Empaths can be drawn to sociopaths because a) they are not weighed down by the sociopaths emotions (they don’t have any) b) sociopaths play victim well and empaths like to rescue.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou
Crazy. Mine did almost the exact same thing, only difference is two children instead of three.
I left my husband after he accused me of cheating on him with numerous different men. He also smeared me to family friends and anyone who was a parent , or worked in the school system that I was a cheater that abused him and our two children and was trying to brainwash our kids into hating him. I finally left after 2 straight years of sleep deprivation , and severely smearing me to everyone as it was all a projection of his horrendous actions . 2 months prior to leaving him he threatened me that he would ruin my life if I ever chose to leave him ; that That’s a fact that I have no idea what he’s capable of , the next 5 years resulted in a major traumatizing nightmare similar to entering the Twilight Zone. I lost my home , all my family and friends , primary residence of our two kids , who reside with him now as their primary caregiver. He used all therapists , DCF workers, our children , parents , my childhood friends , family members , and others who played a part Into the life I once lived ending . He used everyone like string puppets and told pathological lies to all into making everyone believe that I was abusing our children , a drug addict using opiates mainly , that I was making the kids lie to their therapists regarding their dad abusing them and harming them so he wouldn’t be in their lives any longer . So as he was setting me up over a period of 7 years ; he was claiming and getting all to believe that I was in fact trying to set him and his girlfriend up so he wouldn’t ever see our kids . It was a very long , traumatizing nightmare where I was fighting for me and the kids safety , and our mental well-being ; it was like stepping into quick sand because the more I fought for me and the kids the faster I sunk into this quick sand . So stating honest truths was a foreign to all seeing I was now considered a liar that no one truly never knew ever . That I falsified who I was to all and hid these dark secrets that now my ex is making it look as though I truly am a evil person who was harming our kids and so Dcf made me loose primary residence of our kids verbally stating to me that I have been substantiated with abuse and neglect and when I asked why ??) seeing there was no viable facts that justified them labeling me an abusive mother and stating that my ex husband is a social drinker which truly made me aware that they didn’t ever do an investigation on him or his girlfriend during any of the 3 Dcf cases that were opened up due to his girlfriend driving our kids around while intoxicated , or my ex slapping our daughter across her face leaving marks clearly , or the 3rd case which was a slew of numerous things he did to our son causing him so much suffering to him I was just beside myself and hurt so bad for my son who depended on the help from his therapist , the schools social worker , and the Dcf workers who basically never did a single thins to help my poor kids . It was truly so emotionally painful for me seeing No matter what I did it didn’t matter I was being completely set up , scapegoated by my ex to be the bad parent while he depicted being this great dad , unreal I know my ex is a sociopath seeing he targeted all areas of my life and destroyed all of them . He cheated on me he abused our kids he drank he did drugs and he abused and neglected our kids . I can’t believe how he was able to get over on everyone . But his way out of our marriage was to make me look like the bad guy then after I left I became the abusive parent and I know why he went after this new target because she is wealthy from her parents owning a few oil companies . Yep ! He also received help from her parents especially seeing the initial Dcf case was regarding their daughter . Yep , so telling the Parents that I had my kids lie to their therapists about their daughter driving kids while drunk ; I’m sure this helped the Parents In their decision to get involved to help my ex and their daughter seeing he even made her parents think I’m this evil women trying to harm their precious daughter . I don’t even think in this way ever setting my ex up these thoughts never went into my thinking ever . But it’s been 5 years and being now middle age is very hard starting from absolutely nothing , sociopaths are no joke they are truly evil dark satanic entities .
yes…..as an empath…i am a serial sociopath, addict magnet. i just recognized it early….but can a sociopath change and be a normal feeling being?
Your question is typical of an empath you ask the question can he change? I wrote a post on this topic. I hope it helps. https://datingasociopath-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/datingasociopath.com/2013/03/13/can-a-sociopath-change/amp/?amp_js_v=a2&_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQCCAE%3D#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s&share=https%3A%2F%2Fdatingasociopath.com%2F2013%2F03%2F13%2Fcan-a-sociopath-change%2F
Simple answer NO….sociopathy is a personality DISORDER…it’s a brain wiring defect…not able to be changed…they are missing the part of the brain to FEEL for others (or anything really) yet intellectually they can be very adaptable to cope…so NO…sadly, they can’t change….so, don’t expect them to.
There are possibly advantages of not being able to care a f***…but as a person able to FEEL – I wouldn’t give it up for the world. It’s why they can get a bit narky toward you….esp if you get a little too happy.
So learn to identify them & move away or at least keep emotional distance…coz, they’ll USE your emotions to bring you down. They are NOT happy chappies deep under….that’s for sure…but they sure know about ENVY…& chronically bored – so regarded as high conflict people.
I recently got out of a nasty, toxic relationship with a girl who I am confident is a sociopath. She has outwardly stated that he is mentally ill, and there were many of these red flags that I very foolishly ignored.
We dated for 6 months, but because we saw each other so often in the beginning, we (or I, should I say) developed feelings for each other quickly.
Sign 1: None of my friends liked her, and for good reason. She was very rude, openly insulting my friends casually after just meeting them. She was a very unpleasant and rude person in general.
Sign 2: She is INTENSELY attention-seeking, and is a party rat. Before dating me, she would casually bring up stories about all the different hook-up stories she had and different people she had sex with. She would also get upset at me when I told her that those stories made me feel uncomfortable, and since I am not as aggressive as she I caved in and accepted that it was something I should learn to deal with.
Sign 3: She is a master of manipulation. As passive as I am (I am learning not to be so anymore) I had never had anyone so effortlessly make me do things for her like she did. She exploited my “nice-guy” attributes and my genuine desire to please her and make her happy for pure personal gain. I can’t tell you how many times I went out of my way during the day, when I was either busy or had other responsibilities, to either simply spend time with her or to get her something that she needed.
Sign 4: Ego, ego, ego. The number one thing you need to know about this girl, do NOT attempt to jab at her ego. Small things such as correcting her for saying something incorrectly would turn an otherwise normal situation into a tense one where she is very angry and frustrated. She constantly needed to assure herself that she was the most intelligent person in the room, and it would be a dire situation if there was anyone who would challenge that.
Every time I wanted to explain how difficult my coursework for my mechanical engineering degree was and how hard I worked, she took it as a jab and challenge to her intellect, even when it was completely unrelated to her.
Sign 5 – Lack of remorse, impulsive behavior, and no empathy
For me, the most difficult part about this relationship was how it ended. In order for this to make more sense, I need to give a little backstory.
During the last 3 months of our relationship, she stayed in my apartment for a month and we were long distance for the last 2 months. We are both still currently in college, and at the end of those months would be the beginning of the school year again, so the distance would have only been temporary. Since she had all of her things with me since we lied together, I agreed to let her keep her stuff until she comes back and I would help her move into her new apartment.
She would get back to college a few days before I would, and she broke up with me the day she got back. She told me that she was unhappy with the relationship and just wanted her stuff, and the only reason she was staying with me was because she was afraid that I would destroy her things if we broke up then. Keep in mind, in the entirety of this relationship, I had NEVER displayed any signs of violence or any other type of behaviors that would make that assumption reasonable. This was all over text, so my first reaction was to ask her for a phone call to at least speak to her. She agreed, and we spoke on the phone for a bit.
She was completely emotionless, and basically blamed the whole failure of our relationship on me. I never had a person tell me so much with what’s wrong with me in my life.
At that time, I ate it all up, and after we got off the phone, I believed her for a bit. She also picked up her things later that night since I told my roommate who was still living there to open the door for her.
However, after a few days and some rational thinking, I realized that everything she said about me was bullshit, and I shouldn’t listen to her.
I am not going to say that I am a perfect person, but I I am an honest enough person to recognize my shortcomings, but I would be lying to myself if I believed that those shortcomings were anything she said.
After a few days broken up and I move back, and she texts me to “Check up on me”. She just wanted to make sure I was nice and miserable while she was living it up with her friends and going out. Eventually, she tells me that she had left some random things in my apartment that she missed the first time. Since the break-up was still fresh and I was still kind of desperate to see her, I agreed.
We walk back to my apartment, and she is so happy and content, telling me about all the fun she’s having drinking and smoking with her friends, going to parties, and meeting other men. I am obviously uncomfortable, but I just ignore it.
We get back to my apartment, and at that point I recognize what she was trying to do. She basically wanted an excuse to have sex.
I was using a condom, but at some point it slipped out, and I made a comment like “Man I hate using condoms”. She then replied “Oh well you don’t have to use one, as long as you didn’t have sex with anyone else in the time that we broke up. You didn’t, have you?”
I replied: “No, I havent.” Then I asked: “Did you?”
She hesitated, then replied yes. At that point, the sex was very much over, and she immediately put her clothes back on and called a lyft as quickly as she could.
Keep in mind that this happened within a week of us breaking up.
Back to the situation, I am obviously mortified, but she was still very emotionless, and as soon as the sex was over, she tried to go back home as soon as possible.
When she hopped in the lyft and went home, I texted her because I had so many bad feelings that just felt like a sink in my stomach.
After texting her and telling her that she seems so moved on already, she replies saying “I’m sorry I’m not as sensitive as you are. I did some things I probably shouldn’t have”.
My heart sank even deeper. I asked :”Like what? Please tell me”
She says “Well the day we broke up a few hours later I had sex with my ex and when I went to your apartment later that night I was all covered in hickeys”.
She also mentions that she had never really gotten over her ex, and that when they had sex, they didn’t just fuck but they “made love”.
It was at that point that I realized this person is a sociopath and gains pleasure from inflicting pain on me because she knows that she has power over me because of my emotional state. The only reason she was texting me after and maintaining contact with me was because she is really horny and I am an attractive guy who she likes to have sex with.
I’m still trying to get over this, I still have nights where my mind gets the better of me and I experience a lot of emotional pain. It was rough but next time I have to watch the signs, because a person who treats everyone like shit will also eventually treat you like shit.
Hey Angelo. I am sorry that you have been through so much. she sounds very abusive. Know that what has happened is no reflection on you. The only way to truly heal from this is to cut her off. In every single way. Focus on you. The longer that you remain in contact the more prolonged pain will be.
Thank you for taking the time to read my experience. Your words are very kind and I appreciate the advice and support. It really helps and I feel better reading your reply. Life is full of lessons and harsh experiences and instead of dwelling on them they should be lessons for the future.
Best,
Angelo
I just went through a similar situation.. A man I believe was a sociopath and made me feel I was the only person on the planet that mattered. Even went as far as to tell me he cared about me more than himself.. he also treated others like crap unless he had something to gain from them. No real friendships to speak of either. This made me feel like I was the center of his universe. He as well had many past sexual experiences from which he told me about. He told me he would put me on the highest pedestal but if I F’d up he would knock me right off. I was accused constantly of messing around on him and I began fighting for my honor. Then he would tell me what a bitch I was and how selfish. He also would enjoy “rough” sexual but would constantly remind me how he would never hurt a woman and no other woman has ever been afraid of him. Sometimes the last face slap would leave a bruise and me crying. Somehow that would lead to me consoling him. Much like you I did many favors for him but he would insist he did so much for me. I believe when he thought he was unable to control me anymore he found his next victim. Of course I found out the hard way and he let me know how well she treats him to drive the knife in further. Just like you I lay awake often blaming myself and almost yearning for the relationship back, which is quite sick. I just want you to know you deserve so much better than her. I know it’s difficult but you have to cold turkey her out of your life. Take it as a learning experience and find someone who loves you for the caring man you are. Hopefully we can both recover from this horrific experience. Best of luck to you but please unload her for good. Sympathetic friend
Angelo. All of us on this site know your pain. How? Because you found this site like we all did. If you read about experiences others have had you will swear you were dating the same person. That is because these traits appear over and over again in this personality disorder. I am sorry you had to experience this – it will scar you a bit and for a while you may be hyper-vigilant to these traits. You may meet someone else and think uh-oh or see these traits in people you know. You are not being paranoid – that’s your self protection kicking in. You like others here were taken by surprise. This person seduced you, made you feel special, made you jump through hoops, kept you off balance. You did things you wouldn’t normally do. Then, when they sucked you dry, they dropped you like hot iron and blamed you. You may feel broken right now, but trust me, they are the broken ones. You will hopefully learn and move on. They will repeat the same pattern over and over again with different people.
Holy shit man i have had a very similar experience and i feel your pain. She did almost everything you said just slightly different.
I think you just saved my life!!!
Thank You
Thank you for this post! My soon-to-be ex husband of 1.5 years is completely is a sociopath and has all 18 of these qualities exactly… this could be about him. It’s so shocking that the wonderful fun sweet soulmate was all an act. I want that guy! But he doesn’t exist. 😦 It’s healing to know that I’m not alone. Stay strong everyone and get your inner voice back!
My sociopath was someone I worked with for years. Someone who had mentored me. I didn’t realize until after the fact that I’d been groomed and how patient he’d been. The weird thing was I remember being creeped out by him a little and not being the only one. But as time went on I believed I’d misread that contact. He was one that would put his hand on your arm when he talked to you and a few of us were uncomfortable with it. We were married and created distance with him. He wasn’t aggressive and seemed to get the message. I was on a different shift than him. He not only was a coworker in the hospital where we work but a personal trainer as a side job and at one point did real estate appraisals as well. Training and encouraging other coworkers in the field. I knew him for almost two decades like this.
Eight years ago I had back surgery and subsequently got very into fitness. That is how he became a mentor and how we became close and also how I dismissed my original feelings about him. As I became stronger I would come to him for advice. He was always encouraging and said of course you can do this or accomplish that. He encouraged me to become a trainer and got me a job training clients. Even let me teach one of his group fitness classes. Eventually I enrolled at a gym that I later came to find out he frequented. In all those eight years and the years before he never made a pass at me nor had I the feeling of anything inappropriate other than that initial creepy feeling. I would frequently be in the gym while he was lifting with his sons and he appeared to be a great dad, always with his kids and always very encouraging.
Things changed when I decided to leave my husband and he found out. The day I told him I was leaving my husband and moving out he asked me to lunch. He said he’d always had feelings for me. We talked about our relationships being unhappy and what we both wanted. It was like being seen for the first time. We wanted all the same things. He told me he’d been on and off with his wife and had at one time moved out and lived with another woman. He told me he lived in another room downstairs and hadn’t been intimate with her in a long time. He said he was going to move out and was looking to buy a house.
I should note his wife also works in the hospital where we work but in another department and we have little contact with that department.
He discussed buying a house and looked at houses with my other coworkers responding to questions about whether his wife liked the house and what she thought with I didn’t ask her, she doesn’t know. He talked about needing and eventually having benefits (healthcare and PTO) that his wife used to carry for him and the kids with other coworkers also.
I moved out and we started seeing each other.
He had already explained that when he and his wife had problems in the past it got ugly and uncomfortable in the hospital with lots of drama and people taking sides. He stated that they were both private and didn’t want anyone to know. There were also a lot of excuses about his divorce being complicated with assets and not wanting to have to give her more than what he had to so he couldn’t piss her off.
He said he was in the process of moving out. He’d just rent a place and was filing for divorce. Meanwhile I was waiting. There were a few times when he came over or we saw each other but not many. A lunch date here or there or a meeting here or there. I’d seen he and his wife literally pass in the hall or cafeteria and not even acknowledge each other so I thought it was all plausible. One day in the cafeteria in front of coworkers she came up asked him where he was working and massaged his shoulders. He looked uncomfortable and was a little short with her. I broke it off with him that day. I told him do not call or text me until you move out. And I want to see you at least once or twice a week. He always had excuses for why he couldn’t see me, training clients, he had a ranch in another city close by and needed to go check on things.
Of course we texted a lot during the time we were seeing each other and he kept the compliments coming. Super affectionate and when we did see each other super hot for each other. All the things I’ve since read about sociopaths coming on very strong, telling you they love you, can’t live without you and planning a future. We became attached emotionally way too fast and fell head over heals. Or I did and he said he did.
I broke it off with him and stayed away. We were seeing each other maybe six weeks when I broke it off. Three days later he texted and said he had moved out. I told him I wanted proof and he sent me a picture of the room he was renting and promised to take me there. He was busy with the ranch and clients still and we weren’t seeing each other much so I broke it off again. This time we stayed apart maybe a month, month and a half.
In addition to the busyness he was always suffering from there was his pushing me away emotionally and then apologizing. He would always apologize and say he would try to do better and that someday he would explain what had happened in his past to make him sabotage his relationships and why he pushed people away. Of course there was always “Next week” and “I’ll check my schedule” And in the meantime there were a lot of I love you, I miss you and passionate declarations of affection and admiration and super sexual texts. You’re the only one for me that kind of thing.
He came around on my birthday with flowers and yet another apology asking for another chance. I was dating someone and told him I wouldn’t date him again till that ran its course. I told him he was the worst and he’d have to agree to be totally transparent and that if I took him back he’d have to work for it. We saw each other at work and the gym and the chemistry between us was undeniable, magnetic. We had it bad for each other and we got back together again. He swore he’d be an open book.
We had always discussed living together, sharing a life together and wanting the same things.
He knew I had kids, one young one and said he knew we were a package deal.
This last go round was no different than the last. He sold the ranch and now was transitioning into a real estate career that frequently took him out of town. So another hurdle. Just prior to this he took his kids one of which was graduating high school to Hawaii. I heard from a gym mate it was a family trip. I asked him about it and he said he and his wife would be there at the same time but weren’t going together. He swore. I saw him the day he left. When he was in Hawaii the texts were several times a day and seemed to increase in intensity accompanied by pictures. There were pictures of the ranch prior to this. When he was in Hawaii he texted me he wanted to marry me someday. Said someday he hoped I would know he was the one for me. That I was his future. There were also some phone calls. I had hoped after the trip and selling the ranch life would settle down. We were seeing each other a couple times a week. He never spent the night but he was there until late in the night, early morning. An attentive lover and very hard working in that department. Along the way I had questions and he always had answers.
Eventually a coworker came to me with a rumor she’d heard from a reliable source that he a woman from the other hospital in town was saying she was engaged to him. She approached me because we were friends. Of course he had a crazy story about it being a rouse to pacify her old and dying parents and his agreeing to her bizarre request. I told him no one with any integrity would behave that way. Supposedly this had been going on since before me and he had had to explain this to our boss eight to nine months earlier. My boss did know about it and a few other people. He was a good liar so everyone believed him not just me. And he had a good reputation. He’s the kind of guy who likes to be the guy you go to when you need something. People like him. Very charismatic. He’s also the kind of guy that makes you feel like the only one in the room when he’s talking to you and has a twinkle in his eyes. But the seed of doubt was already planted and I began to be distrustful asking him about his divorce which he swore was filed and would be final around the same time mine would be. He even had a date.
I became concerned about where he was living. I went by his house and his car was in the driveway. I called him and he said his son had his car which lined up with what he had been telling me about him having had to fix his sons car and it needing a lot of work. We argued and I ended up apologizing for being paranoid and crazy. This relationship turned me into someone I didn’t even recognize.
He said he got kicked out of the room he was renting when we’d been arguing. We discussed him finding another place to rent where I would be welcome. By this time he was supposed to be closing escrow on his house in a month or so. There were lots of offers and things had fallen through several times but finally the offer was accepted and he was in escrow so why spend a lot of money renting. He moved in with his son he said about 45minutes away and his son that lived in town was still borrowing his car.
Somehow he always had the car for work that started at 4:30am until 6pm. He swore he was telling the truth. He took me to see the house he said was in escrow. It had a lock box on the door. Again stating we’d move in together and things would be different when we lived together.
Around this time I became aware that you could look up a persons divorce on the county’s superior court website. He said he talked to his lawyer and it was filed and going to be final.
It all got to be too much so one day I just started asking him why isn’t your divorce filed, why is your house still for sale (It was still on the market and in fact had just come on the market shortly after I saw it) and where are you living? By this time he had said he wasn’t still living with his son. I had asked before but hadn’t really pushed the issue accepting lame excuses. He got defensive, said I wasn’t supportive and said he wouldn’t keep trying to justify everything. He said he tried to give me what he wanted but just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
This after I had tried to break it off several times and he would say just stick with me. I’m afraid I’m going to lose you. I don’t want to lose you.
Since then it’s gotten pretty ugly. He showed a coworker divorce papers sealed by the court from 2006 supposedly. And told her to tell me about them claiming he couldn’t show them to me because he had tried and I wouldn’t look at them. Now he’s telling people I wanted him but he didn’t want to be with me and I’m angry. Saying we never had a relationship. I have the texts and pics he’s sent me and a few people know the truth and know he’s a complete sociopath. A few people are still struggling to justify or find reasons for what he’s said but he’s literally said so many different things to different people that the stories don’t line up.
I’ve also heard about advances to other women I work with. He’s tested the waters with a few ladies I know.
It’s not over yet. He’ll literally say or do anything. Every time he opens his mouth it’s a lie. I have no idea where it will end.
In hindsight I was groomed. He saw when I was vulnerable and took the opportunity to tell me what I wanted to hear. He came on strong, appeared attached quickly and intimate quickly. He was grandiose, and extremely sexual and complimentary. But it was all lies. Now he’s been coming back to the gym where he hasn’t been in months. I guess he’s not that busy with work and his new career after all. No kids in tow so he really has no reason to be there.
A sociopath will test your limits, turn you into a person you won’t even recognize and make you crazy, then they’ll hurt you and they will have absolutely no remorse. They are full of excuses and lies and when that doesn’t work they will appeal to your emotions and sense of empathy or even your sense of right and wrong and manipulate it to get what they want.
He also did the “I hope we can be friends” thing every time we broke up which I’ve learned means he’s not done with you and wants to keep you around for the future.
I was a widow and had not even gone out anywhere for five years. I decided I needed to do something to improve my life so I went on-line and met someone. Not having been in the dating pool for 30 years, I was reluctant to meet this man who was consistently messaging me. We talked on the phone for a couple of months for hours. He seemed so caring and so like me. We met and we were together constantly except when he was working. He worked a lot of weekends and that was ok with me. He was always waiting to get paid for a contract so he used my credit cards and I paid for everything. At one point I bought him a new cell phone and when I looked at his old one, I saw a number that he phoned all the time and it was all hours of the day and night. I phone it and in the end it was a woman with whom he lived and that was where he was on weekends. So she dumped him and he made me feel like I was the winner. He claimed because he met her before me, he was trying to break it off because he didn’t care for her but didn’t want to hurt her. So he praised me and made me feel like a queen and a winner. He said he was a self employed contractor from Edmonton (so he said) and was only in the area because he returned to see his dying mother. A month or two later, I noticed he was always phoning and getting calls from a Dr Lady whom he said he was working. He said she was very controlling and called him constantly because she wanted to know everything he was working on for her. He even invited me to her house to see what he was doing there when she was at her office and he was doing her roof and had more jobs to do for her. He would have me drop him off there at 6 am to work and show her what he would do that day and I would wait at the coffee shop and he would call me to pick him up when she left. He would tell her it was too hot, or too windy or whatever to excuse why he wasn’t working on the roof. Finally, I called her and it turned out he also had lived there with her as her husband was not around either. Again, he chose me. He had been telling her he had another job to work at when he was with me and reverse to me so both of us thought he was working hard all the time but really he had no job except what he was doing at her house when he was there. When he was at her house early, he was having sex with her to keep her happy before she went to the office and I waited at the coffee shop She didn’t dump him – she wanted him, but he said I was what he wanted so I felt very special. He was a very charming and convincing person and I wanted to believe him. I was so stupid! He then spent all his time with me. He didn’t let me ever go anywhere alone and eventually he said he always wanted to live on a quiet piece of land so I bought one 1400 miles from all my friends and family and in a very remote area. Even here he managed to cultivate more women. He didn’t live with them, he just flirted with them and they didn’t know he was in a relationship with me or if they did, he had them convinced he was leaving me. He would insist I visit my family and then discourage me coming back by promising a surprise he was working on and I would have to stay away another couple of weeks. I never caught on now. I was usually wondering why the surprise didn’t materialize but usually he claimed illness or whatever. I am now living in a very remote area, no neighbours, no friends and no money and a huge mortgage. He has cancer and needs me to look after him but is still doing his thing. He is in the city and has an apt near the hospital and I am here in the wilds. I love the peace and serenity of the area but am so isolated that is is depressingly lonely. My sons are my only contacts and they phone me frequently but i am desperately lonely and depressed. I don’t want him to return but I don’t want to be here all by myself either. It turns out he has a criminal record for a violent crime although he has been very gentle with me and never have I felt he might be violent. I still can’t be sure I won’t cave in and let him return. I have no neighbours and I am miles from any towns. I have no human contact for weeks on end. Real estate sells slowly here so it would be a couple of years if I could sell this place. I now don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be alone but I know it is an unhealthy one-sided relationship with a sociopath that I have. I hate it that I have been so naive and kept thinking he would change and even enabled him to do this to me. It is my doing that he is still in my life and I don’t know what to do. He will be coming home from the hospital in a month or so and I have to decide if I can let him and if not, can I survive here alone. I don’t see either working at all. I can’t leave until the house sells as I can’t afford to pay high mortgage and live somewhere else. My sons are not able to provide me with accommodation and I am too ashamed to let them know what I have gotten myself into. I just want to give up on everything! There is no light at the end of my tunnel!
Thank you for sharing your story Linda. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. My story isn’t yours. But I was bereaved when I met him, My daughter had died the year before. It sounds like you feel trapped? Let me tell you something. You say that you don’t want to be alone? I can promise you that learning self love, is the best gift that you will ever give yourself. I don’t think that it is ‘your doing’ that he is in your life. You met him at a vulnerable point in your life. You didn’t choose this, he lied to you, manipulated and deceived you. You say that he will be home from the hospital in a month. Use this time to focus on you. If you can afford it PLEASE try professional therapy. It will help you. Feeling trapped is what he counts on. You are not trapped. You just need two things. Hope and opportunities. While I am unable to create opportunities for you, I can offer you hope, that in terms of your connection to him, you can heal and recover. It can be a distant memory. But it wont be a distant memory if you stay. I know it seems hard to move on, and can be scary. It might even force you again to deal with your bereavement, perhaps something you do not want to go through again. But this is normal and healthy. Again, therapy can help you with this. I understand what you are saying, about being too ashamed to speak to your sons. I don’t want you to feel trapped. Because you are not. I and many others, got out, and you can too. If you can, please seek out therapy it will empower you.
Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. We moved to a remote area and I have no contact with people here. I am ‘from away’ so the locals nod at me if I go to the store and that is the total extent. They will not socialize with me although I have tried even volunteering at the local churches. They decline my offers and if I go to their house and knock they don’t answer and if I phone them they don’t answer and don’t return phone messages. It is so isolating here. I can’t afford to walk away from the house as the mortgage is in my sons names so I can’t leave them with the debt. I phone to hire someone to clear my driveway and I have the cash to pay for it but they say they will do it but never come. It is not conducive to healing or becoming anything but more lonely and more bitter. I am doing it all on my own but a recent heart attack has limited my abilities and I notice I am not as physically strong as I was but I am managing more or less but not emotionally. I am not near a city so it is not easy to get to professional help and the cost is not something I can afford at this time. I do have a dog and the loyalty and love she gives me is my only current salvation. I am lucky to have her.
I relate with the dog. I live with my cat. Me, and my cat. It kind of works well that way. It might be, that you are trying too hard. When we have been abused, it is common for people to want to rebuild their lives, to try to get back to some sense of ‘normal’. Only our normal has been very distorted. Your faith and belief in yourself has gone. Likely, due to him and his abuse of you, and his constant gaslighting. Which will distort your view of the world. I know I was walking around, probably a year or two later with his lense of the world. So what about your house? Have you thought about where you would like to move to? Or is fear holding you back? Sometimes we can stay still, even though we want to move on, as we simply do not know how to move forward. Or the fear of the unknown, makes us stay still. This is particularly true for those who have been abused. Perhaps the moving is not forthcoming because you don’t yet know where you want to move to next? Or perhaps you are half and half. Half wanting this man to be the ‘good man’ he is sometimes, but the reality knowing that this won’t happen. Half wanting to move forward. This will keep you stuck. Maybe, just try to do one thing. Each day. ONE thing, nothing major, and this will help you to see that you are making progress. Otherwise it is disheartening feeling like you keep trying but nothing is really working out? What about family/friends are you in contact with anyone else? People online? You can do this Linda. I am not going to say that it will be easy. I don’t want you to be caught, manipulated, vulnerable….. having money from house sale, and him around you as he will drain you for all that you are worth. I want to tell you this. As this is VERY important. Maybe right now the reason things are not moving forward the house sell happening, is because he would take from you, until there was nothing left? As that can happen. Sometimes there are blessings that we cannot see ourselves.
Pls STOP & THINK…
I KNOW loneliness too…BUT I’ve LEARNT BETTER….don’t let this pathological LYING LEECH into ur LIFE. U may CRAVE some excitement…but don’t be FOOLED into the ABSOLUTE horrid DRAMA the sociopathic CIRCUS will bring into town – & that’s ALL they bring (while they LAUGH about you behind ur back). If anything a lying leeching sociopath drags into your life…is the recognition – U need to re-assess your position…& make changes NOT to please someone else…but TOTALLY for yourself (as THEY do).
CUT the caring….CUT the crap…focus on YOU & what U REALLY NEED…a man (a total STRANGER from the internet) will NOT bring that to you.
I don’t know how CLOSE you are to ur sons (or just FEAR they await ur passing)…BUT if that is NOT TRUE, at all…OPEN UP…TELL them how u’r being PREDATISED (& U ARE) & need HELP with a plan for the FUTURE…NOT any retaliation to the idiot, wasting TIME…just to get ON with it…just for U…but for them too (if they are to inherit). Express U need a CHANGE….& believe me they will LEARN TOO for their later days. Maybe, U don’t need to sell immediately…BUT just need a BREAK to get away for awhile & someone to care for the place…see what they can come up with. Maybe, they themselves can’t watch the place right now…BUT maybe, they will have an idea of options.
If U FEAR ur sons are just awaiting ur death…then really U are on ur OWN…but realise children don’t have right of passage if ALL they have brought U is grief. PUT ur Will somewhere else.
If YOU had NEVER been SELFISH before….ALLOW urself to be so NOW before U leave this planet…as WE ALL will eventually have to leave. I’m sure most of US would HOPE that is in PEACEFUL thinking & it IS possible…so, good luck & take care.
I’ve been doing a lot of research lately on this disorder and believe that I am dating a sociopath as 17 out of these 18 signs were spot on. I have known him for years and we just began dating a few months ago and he moved in shortly after. How do I end things and get him to move out of my house? I do feel as though I am the only one there for him and he has inconsistent income. Being a Christian it is hard to give up on him, but I know this is what I need to do. Please help or direct me to an article that may help me end things.
The one thing that I read was that one needs to consider them self in a cult of two. These men or women use mind control and are very manipulative. You have to make it out or it will just continue the way it is and not get any better and probably definitely get worse. I’ve been in this relationship for six years and I just ended it this week. They have a way of making you feel sorry for them and that is part of their game. You will never win an argument because they either don’t argue with you or they turned it around so that you’re apologizing for what they did. This man drained me of so much money he moved in really quickly and controlled me. Once you realize you’re with this kind of person and that’s a big step , you have to be able to go a little farther and save yourself while you can. Time you spend with them is wasted time and time that you could be spending on building a healthy relationship. You have to start valuing yourself and realize that you deserve more. Run and don’t look back.
How are things going Linda?
They have a WAY of making U feel SORRY for them…BUT it’s a KNOWN sociopathic tactic…called PITY PLAY.
CUT the caring…LOOK for the FACTS…DEMAND the facts esp if it’s regarding health crap.
Sometimes it is TRUE…the LYING sociopath I knew…succeeded in drinking himself to DEATH just last wk (HOORAY – he’s dead at 57yo)…& I’ve been in NO CONTACT for 4yrs since he returned from China to Australia….altho he did hover thru his BS Linkedin Profile for the whole 4yrs…ALL while staying with the BELOVED Asian partner claimed on his funeral announcement.
The financially WELL OFF sweet woman I tried to WARN her….about his BS….once I knew she existed….but obviously he FOOLED her for ALL the yrs. And she had a child from a previous marriage but he NEVER married her in the 7yrs he USED her…yet jokingly claimed she was his wife.
OWNERSHIP…that’s sociopaths…cuddly…it ain’t!
Oh gosh he died. Well now he has to finally face himself!! How are you doing?
There is a movie on Netflix – DIRTY JOHN – it is clearly about a sociopath that a woman met on social media – a true story – and it is so close to the man I was with for 6 years! That movie has helped me put the whole thing in perspective. It is a very good movie and is realistic regarding the man – my fellow used to bring me tea every morning and then keep telling me how good he was to me and had I told my friends and family how good he is – and he was upset if I hadn’t bragged about him. the whole movie is my relationship almost to a t except he isn’t deceased. If you watch it, it will help you see and help you be stronger to resist staying with your sociopath. I watch it everytime I feel lonely. It keeps my resolve to not let him talk me into letting him come even for a visit or to pick up anything or ‘help’ me .
Good Luck!
Yes I shared this two posts ago and shared on my twitter and Facebook feeds. Thank you.
I am going to write a post response to your comment Stacy as you raise an important point. I want to think about what to write. As where you are right now, many are either still there, and feeling trapped. Or question whether they have the strength to leave.
Religous or NOT…you’d have to be aware (eventually) of EVIL in ur midsts…yet U claim NOT… trying to be ALL religious & forgiving – however, many of us foolishly DID find that horrid EVIL entering our lives…but what was their REAL reason to hurt us..we ALL ask, esp when we were SO NICE to them? And we find NO answers except a very SICK thinking person…& that IS what sociopathy IS.
Hey are you ok? Quite shocking to hear he had died. How are you feeling ?
Hi Stacey I have just written a post for you https://datingasociopath.com/2019/01/18/how-to-get-a-sociopath-or-psychopath-to-leave-your-home/
Stacy4887,
How did things change once you started dating and him living there? Just curious – may also give clues to how to pull away. Is he really clinging to you, are you supporting him? If he is NS or S – he may not leave until he finds someone else to provide what you are providing.
I survived a relationship with a SP. It gets better I promise you. It will take time, a lot of time, but you’ll get there and you will be okay. Don’t rush, or try and force it, your recovery will happen, but don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re over it when you know in your heart that you’re not. Run, read, surf, yoga, go out, see friends, get drunk, laugh, then run some more and read more still. Engage with yourself, you will enjoy making yourself happy. Eventually you will be free and although you may never again feel quite the same high that he gave you, you will know by now that that was all fake, and the happy you find in yourself now is all real. He stole the best parts of you to masquerade behind them. You ARE that amazing person, not him. During all that time you thought you loved him, you actually only loved all the best parts of yourself. You’re incredible. You are not a victim. You are a survivor and he is just a sad empty parasitic shell looking for the next host. Be glad for your experience and take it with you, but move on and love yourself. You’re amazing!!!
I find this difficult to write. My 3 year relationship with my boyfriend ended horrendously 6 weeks ago on my birthday evening. We met on a dating site, he was the most polite man that wrote to me, had a good sense of humour etc.
At first all was well… but he kept saying if I left him, he would never go out with another girl again. He kept telling me to promise not to leave him. I said, as long as he treated me nicely, I would stay.
He said he wanted to share all my life, my work, my family, my friends, and I did, though they secretly didnt like him much.. but he wouldnt share his.. I did meet them all, and he was quite rude to me infront of them. He also told me that his sister who he is very close to, was jealous of his x girlfriends. And was probably the cause of his breakup with the one before me. I met his sister, he made me pay for my own dinner yet he paid his and hers. I met his lovely x wife(the mother of his 2 adult daughters) and he then proceded to tell me where the children were conceived… It was embarassing.
He criticised me so much, first it started with my body (although I have an athletic figure of 171cm tall and 60 kgs in weight) I agree he has a very young body, does sports, looks younger than he is etc….Then went on to my face, how I should use lots of cream… then my work, then my home (said I should get rid of useless decoration) be tidier etc…
Then criticised my friends, then the last thing was my children and my own personality.
In short… it wasnt always bad… but when it was bad… it was very bad. He has a problem with temper, gets angry with the rain, the traffic, in a shop if they don’t have what he wants, in an aeroplane… because he cant get out fast enough, if he cant assemble something he has bought.
I actually think he knows he does have a problem.
He started writing to a girl he met on internet socila site (not dating) taliking about his Past lives (which I think he blames for the way he is, big temper, critical, judgemental…
Anyway, a week before my birthday, he was writing on the computer screen and hid the woindow from me. I think he did it deliberately as I only spend 30 minutes in that room a day… and he always had the custom to write from his phone. I think he wanted me to be suspicious. On my birthday- in the evening, he started going on about this girl… so much that I said it sounded like he was interested in her. He was calm and said no… he thought that she was a hippi with her head in the sky (the tyoes he hated) Then after a calm dinner- he asked if I was jealous, I said I wasnt jealous, I was suspicious, because of what I had seen the week before (and hadnt told him at the time) He said he understood and that he would show me the emails between him and her. I was so sad, and felt stupid, I at first said no. But he went on… so I said I wanted to see them. He went crazy…. he said it was the girl that had shown interest in him and thats why he had decided not to write to her again. He insulted me big time, swore and shouted… and told me to get my stuff and he would drive me home. I asked why get like that if nothing to hide… and that I had never mistrusted him before.. even though he stays with his x wife 3 times a year on visits to his country- even though she comes here to his house (and I voluntarily stay away)- even though in his past he visited prostitutes for 2 years, had an affair, went for a weeks holiday in thailand and paid prostitutes there. I seroiusly thought he was trustworthy in that way…. til he kept taliking about this girl.
Anyway- after me throwing my bags in a fit of temper and breaking a glass with frustration (I do not throw things as a norm, and am never aggressive) he drove me home on the condition he let me read the emails at my house. Its true he took a long time to park the car- and could have deleted some- but even if he didnt, the emails were all about him telling about himself, his house, his animals, how he had lots of free time, lived alone, how he could teach her some punches (he does kick boxing)
and yet she offerd very little about herself and didnt seem atall interested in him. He never mentioned he had a girlfriend. They talked alot about lives past and books- and he claimed he couldnt speak to others about this (his sister was always interested in this and he spoke to her about it).
Anyway- I had offered to apologise if the emails were all innocent on his behalf…but when I had read them (there were lots of emails, about 3 a day… lots written after he had told me was going to bed)… I said I could and would not apologise, because it was clear to me, he was trying to make her interested… and also told lies about himself (saying he was peaceful and lived in the here and now)which is ridiculous if you ask anyone that knows him.
Well- we broke up- he didnt treat me very nicely sometimes, examples given above… though sometimes he did. Sex wasnt good because I always had the feeling there was no emotion on his part- so I lost interest.
When I said he didnt love me, he would get very angry… but I always said to him that actions speak louder than words.
I feel a fool, and damaged. I am getting better now, I go to Tai Chi, whcih relaxes me… and do belly dancing that gives me confidence. It is very difficult for me….
He is getting on with life now..reading philosophy. (he says it has cured his temper) applying to be a model, is buying a new car (he smashed his other one by drink driving 2 weeks after we split up)- thats when he unblocked me from his phone (I always got the silent treatment after offending him.)
He has now blocked me again… and I hope it satys that way. I am not really sure if I am strong enough not to contact him if he unblocks me.
The other day I came across some writings I had done while in the midst of NC (no contact) with S. It’s been years now and while I am way out of the woods – I still have flash backs, especially when reading other people’s stories who are currently dealing with an S. If you are so inclined, I highly recommend writing down your thoughts as you move through the separation (escape) process. At the time I did it to get out all of those things I could never say to S because I could hardly get in word and would get attacked (verbally). I would also write about things that transpired and how I reacted. Putting it on paper helped me review and see things clearly. So I came across some writings and read them. Wow! I was so surprised that I had actually forgotten some of the things that happened back then. At the time, I thought I would feel the way I felt forever. I couldn’t imagine not feeling anxious, angry, sad, scared, or nervous. But there I was reading those words and reacting as if I was reading someone else’s story. Part of the writing was at the time when I started calling S out on his behavior and no longer gave in to his histrionics and manipulation. I counted the times I said no to his requests. Felt good. Another part was when he was seeing someone else and we were supposed to be “friends”. Actually, I was only being nice to get back things he took from me. I knew that since he had someone else on the hook, I had a better chance of getting my things/money back – and I was right. I wrote how even though on SM they seemed all loved up, he devalued her when he talked to me. There I was, seeing the cycle happen right before my eyes. It was confirming. I remember at the time feeling badly for her – she had no idea who he really was. I was glad I could read all that and know it was truly in the past!! Maybe this will work for someone else too. If you’ve had a similar experience, please share.
What I do is write him emails… but I don’t click the send button, I store them in draughts. I imagine he has blocked me anyway, but just in case, I dont send them. I read them the next day, and change a few things, delete a few things…depending on how I feel when reading them. This works very well for me. It means I can vent out my feelings, which I never felt I could with him directly, because of his temper. And also because the few times I did… he said he felt sorry I felt hurt, but it was my problem, not his. He wasnt sorry or worried for being the culprit. I am beginning to accept that he may be a narcisstic sociopath… though in my mind I find it hard to accept that someone can be so cruel, when its much easier to be kind, pleasant and truthful. It requires much less effort and brings much more happiness.
Anyway… I think this is the end as I told him he was a narcisistic sociopath… by text….. and told him that people here, in my world, were not impressed. (I didnt specify that they werent impressed with him, the situation, or the relationship)
And he blocked me. As I said in my first post…. I hope to god it stays this way. I am not quite sure if I am strong enough yet…. but I do know that I will not accept the treatment that has dealt with me up to now… and as I think that he will not accept my new norms… respect, love, thoughtfulness and kindness…above all…. I think I may be safe.
I think it is a good idea to write the emails. You know he would only lie and continue the game if you tried to have contact with him. Only way forward is to go no contact. Anything else keeps you in their game.
Thank you for sharing TC.
Yep! Just ended a transaction with a sociopath with narcissistic traits. He was so charming, funny, helpful, great to talk to…not the typical guy I would usually be physically attracted to. But he definitely did great with the mask and mirroring me. He loved everything I did and had the same goals as me, the love bombing was on full blast (red flag) He spied on me and studied me carefully via social media and at work. He asked me a lot of questions about myself. Quickly he talked about loving me and wanting me to move into his apartment. I was very flattered but it wasn’t possible.
He displayed weird behaviors though, he would talk about his exes all the time and how they hurt him big time and how karma would get them. He would always talk about how women wanted him and how people were jealous of him. He displayed the grandiose attitude, yet when the mask would fall off it was a different man. He talked about suicide, the horrible things he has done, his karma, and how he battled his demons. He would often say why someone like me would be with him that I was a good girl, beautiful, smart, and great personality. I didn’t understand why he would speak so badly about himself. He would also talk about his “friends”, one specifically who was married w kids. He showed me a photo of her and said they were close friends. He said her husband didn’t like him.
I called him out on his behaviors and he got so mad at me ..he didn’t ghost me but he tried to convince me that I was wrong. He would apologize and say that he really liked me and wanted to be with me but that I needed to be a good girl. He also would threaten to disappear, saying he’s really good at disappearing. I apologized to him and we were on again. He was good for a while and again he would display weird behaviors and say odd things. I asked him if he was a sociopath and he freaked out on me. He was telling me that I was mean and that I accused him of horrible things and thought of him as a monster. He said that obviously he couldn’t make me happy and that he wishes me the best. I was in love w this guy and felt attached to him. My behaviors were over the top because he caused so much confusion, stress,and I was sleep deprived. I wasn’t myself, I didn’t know what I was. I felt depression, anger, sadness, and overall darkness. I begged him to give me another chance and that I was so sorry for my words and for hurting him. I ended up apologizing for his behaviors. He made up a story that he had to be away for a few months. He became cold as ice…one word answers to my texts. No affection. He said he felt dead….not sure what that meant. But I decided to leave him be. I haven’t seen him since but we’ve communicated via email as “friends”. He’s being sweet but also claiming to be depressed. Not sure what he’s up to but sounds like he’s not finished w me yet. So I’ve decided to go no contact.
What a mind fuck this was!!! I was left distraught and sad that the man I fell so in love with doesn’t exist. He was a scam. An illusion.
Emma, as someone who dated and was intimately involved with a sociopath for two and a half years, my best advice to you is to run – and quick. You will save yourself much emotional damage, trauma, and hurt.
I’m not a native English speaker so sorry if the language might seem odd sometimes. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps me a lot since I´m three weeks out from dating, what I believe, might be a narcissist, or if you please, a sociopath. A lot of your stories seem a lot worse and painful than my might do. But i need to get it off my chest somewhere…Here it goes.
We have mutual friends, but live in different cities. A week after she officially became single (she had a paus from her ex for two months before the official break up), she was in my town to visit our mutual friends.
We went home together and a few days later, she began to text me and that went on to sexting almost immediately, on her initiative. She invited me to her city already the next weekend and I went there. She talked badly about a person she met between her ex and me, saying that he manipulated her and played games with her, and that I on the other hand, even came to her city to meet her. All weekend, she overwhelmed me with sex, great food, nice and tender words and lots of fun.
Already the next week she came to my city again. Stayed for a whole week and asked stuff like if I was in love with her, which I said I was. She then said that she was falling in love with me as well. She even told strangers at a bar that we were together, etc. Immediately after that week, we went on holiday with our mutual friends. They thought we were a bit too much, as we were all over each other all the time, were acting like a newlywed couple, and were very focused on each other.
One night on that trip, she has a bit of a breakdown. She says that she feels unsuccessful, that her life is chaos (because of the breakup from her ex, sale of apartment, etc.) and that she cannot promise me what will happen between us. I comfort her and reply that the only thing I demand is total honesty. She promises and throws herself around my neck. The next day she telephones and book a golf weekend with the person she earlier said manipulated her, those dates, we already planned a trip to my parents’ summerhouse… Which she said “she forgot”. I and no one else among our friends did not know by the time that she was actually going golfing with this other guy. However, shortly after we get home from the holiday, she goes on that golf weekend and afterwards she posts a series of photos of the two of them on Instagram. I still did not understand, thought it was just a golfing buddy, not knowing it was that particular guy – I have never been so in love nor experienced such intense feelings back from another person, that I could never imagine that there was something going on there.
The day after she came home from the weekend, she calls me and we talk on the phone for 10 hours, synchronized our Netflix-accounts and watched movies with eachother on the phone, we even fell asleep with each other on the phone (I know, this is crazy, even if you would be 15 years old again). However, it continued like that. Daily contact with us texting each other music, memes, internal jokes, phone calls that always lasted over five hours was every day routine. Sometimes, she told me, that we had to take it slow, that she was not ready for a full-blown relationship just yet, etc. However, after every time she had said these things, she became sweeter in her communication and in her choice of words etc. Now, I tear back and forth emotionally all the time, like a jo-jo. One moment everything was perfect, the next we should take it easy. Back and forth. All the time enough confirmation from her for me to really believe in the whole thing, but never to be completely sure.
To return to that golf weekend. For various reasons, I found out that the guy she went with was the one she dated before me. I confronted her and she confessed and said: I had to see if it was still something, but now I have ended things with him because I want to be with you. It is you I want to see, it is you I want to be with.
And I fell for it…
A few days later I visit her and she is pretty chilly, talking shit about her ex and just talking about herself. Even so, it became a quite okay weekend, but not as romantic as before. So I felt well, ok, she’s just a little moody, moving out of her apartment and feeling a bit stressed over things… But, the day I went home, she call me in the evening and says she has downloaded Tinder Gold (dating app), she says this with a laugh. I get upset and asks what the hell she is doing? She laughs, says that I should calm down and that it is just for fun, that she will not meet anyone and that I need to trust that she wants to be with me… After this, I get a bit chillier in my communication, which directly leads to her buying a ticket to come and visit me. That weekend we actually had a nice time, but I later realize it was because we did all the things SHE wanted to do.
Already the week after, she tells me to come to her city again. That I will get to meet her and her ex’s mutual friends, that she has nothing to hide, etc. I get really happy, it feels like a big affirmation and that I now become “official” … The next day is a Friday and she goes out with friends and then goes quiet for 24 hours. Does not respond to calls or messages (extremely unusual has never happened earlier since we talk all the time) and when she calls Saturday night she says that she was sad and hungover and that she didn’t answer anyone, apparently a lot of people called and were worried according to here, she bragged about this. And it only got worse, she called at the beginning of the week and said she would attend a concert the day before I would come visit, I asked which concert and who she would go there with. She replied “with a friend, you don’t know her…”, I was sure she was lying, the tone in her voice was almost like she wanted it to sound like a bad lie. The same day as the concert, I ask again, who she is going with. She hangs up.and then call back and starts talking about something completely different. But I ask again. She replies that she is going there with a friend named Richard. I ask why she said it was a girl from the beginning and she says “What, did I say that? That’s weird”.
I still travel to visit her the next day, with disaster on my mind. Once I’m there, everything is great. Until her friends go home. Then she sits down and talks to a stranger (guy) for about 40 minutes, then she turns to me and asks “do you think you get too little attention” and pats me a little on the thigh. I’m leaving the place then. She runs after me and asks why I’m so dramatic. I ask what she is doing. Lies, treats me like a jo-jo, ignores me for another when I come to visit, talks about Tinder and so on. I say that I’m ready to really try with her, that I can move to here city for a trial period and still keep my job. She says she is not “there” and we have a little deep talk and everything calms down, we go back to her place, it is cozy and so on, and everything seems “normal”.
The next day we meet my own friends, she talks to them about catching the same train as them to a party that I will host and so on. So I’m feeling calm, the argument from the day before seems to have affected things almost nothing, as the only news really was that I confronted her with her actions. At one point in the evening though, she looks me deep in the eyes and says “move here!” But now I almost lose it, what is she doing!? She defends herself with “your friends want you to move here”. Like I should move there for them, I want to move there for her! … Even so, the evening continues well.
The next day. She is like a totally different person. Completely cold to me. Don’t look me in the eye, switch from the sofa to an armchair as I sit down next to her. I feel I cannot stay there in that moment, so I go and meet a friend from the day before. She doesn’t want to com. Just sitting there staring at her computer. One minute after I leave the apartment I receive a text message where she is apologizing and asking me to come back soon so we can cozy up … I come back after a few hours and she is still as icy as before. I ask why she behaves so cold and then it comes. Without looking me in the eyes she says that everything is ruined, that we will not be able to continue as before, that she will not be able to be physical with me again, that she “did not know” what I felt – even though she made me say it several times during the relationship. She say we have never been serious. Then she asks “Do you regret saying that, now that you see how it turned out?”. It breaks me and I take my bag and leave to sleep at my friends. She then texts me three times in three hours and the texts gets more sweet for each one of them where she tries to get me to continue to keep contact with her. I answer that I need time and that we can have no contact right now. A week later, though, she contact me. I don’t answer. A week later, she contacts me again. I don’t answer.
There are many other small details in this. She have told me that I have ugly teeth, boring glasses, is too sensitive. When I confront her, her excuse is that she was drunk. She have told me that my friends are ugly and stupid etc. Lots of bullshit about others all the time. She told me about a guy at her workplace, that fell in love with her – because she, according to herself, “may have shown misguided feelings”. She is so irritated about this guy because she says he is so bitter and dramatic about the situation. She has even taken a picture of this guy when he is being sad outside a bar, sends it to me, and says “look at him, such a cry baby (?! who does that to anyone?!)
I’m totally broke down about this. But I know that I have to ignore her because otherwise she will do the same thing to me again and again. I am totally confused from this whole situation that lasted 2.5 months. Three weeks of total happiness and love while the rest became so confusing, it felt like hell. Blame myself, can’t get out of my head that I could have acted different or done something to make it all nice and good and lasting. I’ve never experienced anything like this from another person.
I know a lot of people have posted on here but I feel the need to post my story as well. I am so broken and empty because of my sociopath and I have no doubt that that is what he is. I worked with him for two years and only started to talk to him 8 months ago. He made me kick my ex out within weeks of meeting him (my ex and I were together at the time and I thought this guy was my soulmate for real) he would invite me over to drink smoke and talk, slowly feeling me out. I have borderline personality disorder but hadn’t been diagnosed yet, but was going through a pretty bad crisis that was set loose by him. Eventually he gaslighted me and abandoned me on my birthday and I tried to kill myself. I ended up in a psychiatric ward for 4 days and when I got out he came straight to me with a message(the day I got out) saying how much he loved me, how I am one of a kind, and how he wants me to respond. Please note that I had been through a lot in my life but I still trust blindly and was so naive with him. I responded telling him he drove me into the crisis and blah blah he keeps apologizing saying he’s a piece of shit. A day after my discharge he HAD ME MOVE IN WITH HIM. note that I am 20 and he is 30…. from that point on I am made to feel worthless. I start harming myself almost every other day because I am constantly emotionally abused and gaslighted. We couldn’t make a week without him absolute losing his shit on me calling me a nasty disgusting bitch, saying I was messing around, saying he knows and everyone (???) knows I’m cheating. In the entire time I lived there, I took care of his dogs, did him and his nephews laundry every day, deep cleaned every day, tried to get him to seek therapy for his substance abuse, spend thousands on him and his dogs vet bills, bought groceries and offered to pay bills and loved on him constantly, while literally being ignored. Every time we would fight, things would get physical and he would say don’t touch me whore or nasty bitch. One day he exploded with his entire family and small children at his house. He threw me across the room and I left without my keys and phone just walked . An hour later he found me and said I’m so sorry these thoughts just consume me, I need help, you’re the most genuine person I ever met. THEY WILL SAY THESE THINGS when they know they’ve gone to far and are losing you… I told him things will never be the same after what he did to me in front of his family. During the time I also was put on strong meds AND had quit nicotine so I fell into a deep depression. He said I was crying all the time because I’m a cheater and said if I keep it up he’s going to leave. Things got better with my meds and I was actually learning to love myself. But I wasn’t strong enough to leave. It took one night on this thanksgiving for him to completely lose his shit on me while I was with my family. Over the phone calling me a fucking bitch “I knew it I knew you were fuckin around”…. it broke me. I went to his house to get my things and he wouldn’t let me in!!!!! Things got physical again, he threatened to call the cops to take me to the hospital. Ended up choking me out, slamming me up to the mirror saying he will kill me. Then calls his family to come get me out and his sisters to come beat me up. Please keep in mind I have don’t nothing but support and love this man wholly and unconditionally. I got most of my stuff and drove off. I was afraid to call the cops on him because of my 5150 but I shouldn’t have been. His entire family continued to gaslight me and say I was psychotic and a liar and that I was going to jail. Totally enabling and even encouraging his sociopathy. This is when the pain grew numb for me. I am a god fearing woman and the whole things just told me that these people can’t be saved and I’m now getting a transfer from my job. This man made me feel like nothing. Made me feel crazy when all I needed was safety and support and love. He drew me in when I was most vulnerable and when he saw I was done with his crazy shit he had to be the one to blow up. I never imagined such fear and misery in my life. I am so much stronger. I won’t trust fr a long time. I feel sexually and emotionally violated by him. Now I know how to spot these emotionally void men, and I will be strong enough to walk away if I find myself here again. Love you all and I’m so sorry that you have encountered this as well
I am pleased that you got away Coco. Keep going. You need people around you that you can trust and rely on, not someone like this. I hope you never take him back.