Sociopathic need for control

The most important thing to a sociopath is control. They feel the need to control the person that they are with. If they did not have control, they would not be able to manipulate you. A sociopath needs to be in control, it is only when he feels that he is losing his control, will you see the mask slip and the narcissistic rage occur.


A sociopath will gain total control over someone’s life by doing a number of things.

  • Compulsive lying, to mislead you, to enable a false sense of trust. He has the upper hand if he can lead you into a false sense of security.
  • Keeping a very close eye on his latest victim. This means knowing everything about you, where you are going, what you are doing, what you are thinking. At first this might be flattering, much later in the relationship it will feel suffocating.
  • He will gas light you, which means feeding you false information, to damage your self esteem and make you feel weak, and sometimes make you question your own mind, and to make you feel guilty.
  • He will bombard you with love bombing, constantly contacting you, speaking to you, taking 100%  of your time, so that you do not have time to think, or spend time with other people.
  • He will make false and empty promises to you, so that you are holding on waiting for those empty promises to materialise. They never will. In fact he never had any intention of materialising those promises. It is your expectation waiting for it to happen, that gives him control.
  • He will, over time, have control over almost every area of your life. Your home, your work, your friends, family, your finances. In every single way that you can think about. Much of which you will not realise until the relationship is over.
  • When the relationship is over, he will start smear campaigns about you, lying about you, to destroy your good name. His biggest fear is for people to find out about him, the real him. The true him. If you complain about him, he will make out that you are crazy.
  • He will threaten you with authorities, police, work, parents, family, anything that keeps his control over you.

The relationship will start, feeling swept off your feet, feeling that you have met your soul mate. It will end, feeling that you have declined into the deep depths of hell. You will be left feeling absolutely confused, disorientated. Questioning, how much of this was true? How much was a lie?

A sociopath will move from Mr Perfect, to a totally different man altogether. At first he holds it all together. Everything knitted together with his web of lies. As the relationship comes to an end, he does not even care if you know that he is a liar. In fact, he might get glee from you discovering his lies (called dupers delight).

When  a sociopath loses control of a situation, you will see a different character. His mask slips, and for a while, you can see his insanity. It is as if control, is the glue that holds him together. When he has lost control, he has nothing. Watch a sociopath who has lost control of a situation, and you will watch him decline to meltdown. At this point, he appears to have no control of his emotions. The loss of control, leads him to lose composure and the fake mask that he wears, will slip and you will see the real man.

It is reported that there is nothing that you can do to win. I disagree. But you need strength of character to do so, and I wouldn’t recommend it with a distempered sociopath, only a charismatic one.

If you are struggling to escape, if the relationship is over and he is making your life hell –  What does work, is mirroring back to the sociopath his own behaviour. Not allowing him to control you. You can do this by mirroring him, feeding him false information, lying, telling him the opposite to what you are actually doing and constantly changing your mind. Keep changing the goalposts. Threaten him, with any information that you know about him. Everything that he does to you, threaten him with. Without control the sociopath has nothing, and is nothing and will need to find someone else to control.

If he doesn’t have you pinned down, he can no longer control you. You might think that you are stupid for allowing this to happen to you. But you are not. He is manipulative, conning, deceptive and a compulsive pathological liar. He is a chameleon, and he can only manipulate you, by knowing your every single move. Sometimes this is the only way to escape.

Remember the sociopath is not strong. He is a weak individual, which is why he is so reliant upon others. He cannot survive without someone else to control. He needs that. He thrives off of someone elses personality, and someone elses life. But he will do everything that he can to keep that control. To retain it. And if he decides that he has used you up, then he will do all that he can to completely destroy you.

Copyright 2013

8 thoughts on “Sociopathic need for control”

  1. Good stuff here. Please keep it coming. It’s so important to learn the signs so that you can avoid these people. My ex contributed to the drastic worsening of my eating disorder in college and kept me trapped in a fog where the ED just took over. I was the ultimate prey, and he took full advantage. I have come so far since then and know that if I were still in the dating world (I’m happily married), I would not only be able to spot these snakes, but they would know that they can’t exert control over me and would have to move on. If this blog helps just one other person avoid the hell that is a relationship with a sociopath, then you have succeeded. 🙂

    1. Also wanted to just add a quick note that these people do work outside of romantic relationships, as you know. They can be really dangerous in the corporate world, politics, etc. It’s important in all of these realms to know when to go running in the opposite direction because they won’t stop until they achieve complete destruction or domination, whatever that means to them.

      1. Oh, I know, I can think of a few politicians right now that fit the bill. They all follow the same pattern of behaviour. Most live like parasites in some form or another, there are high functioning and low functioning. But the one thing that is guaranteed, is that where there is a sociopath involved, there will eventually be some kind of destruction too. It does make me wonder who they are? For a whole sector of the human race to all be so similar with similar traits, its almost ‘unhuman’ thank you for your comments.

    2. Thank you so much, this is my thought too. It might take me a while to write it all. But I think that anyone who has been involved with one, will recognise it. At the end we are left feeling so confused. And they are so charming,it is disarming, when we wonder, are they actually one? Thank you for visiting and leaving your comment 🙂

  2. Hi
    My father is a sociopath and will not leave me alone. All i want it to be left alone and he is hunting me like a dog. I am dying because of it.

    He is a rich man and I am the only one who will not take his money and now is using it to punish me.

    I feel like I am trapped in a horror movie and NO ONE will stand up to him or help and he is smarter than the lawyers.

    He is winning and I can not find any help………….

    1. Welcome to the site Joe. THis must be so tough if he is your father and behaving in this way. Can you block all forms of communication and not give him any info to ever use against you? This is a tough one, as it isn’t just being hurt by a sociopath which is awful enough but your own father. Is your mother around? Can you talk to her? Are they still together? (your parents?)

  3. My ex started threatening me today because I told him for the millionth time that it’s over and that I will be cutting all contact unless it’s in relation to our daughter…..and the mask really did slip. He is trying to turn our daughter against me, and told me that he will never let this go. He’s just proving what I already know about him…..he scares me though 😦

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