When I said ” they are afraid of people like me” they are afraid to be exposed for who and what they really are!! He will do better just to move on to new victims who know nothing about who he really is and who will fall for his charms. I have outed him and will do so again if he ever tries to come back. He had everyone at work fooled for 8 years!!! No one has a clue as to who he really was until we started seeing each other. My therapist told me that the only reason I wasn’t victimized worse is because of how I handled him.
It’s shit that they seem to get away with so much but please, please ladies who think that revenge is the answer; IT IS NOT!!! You cannot get revenge on a sociopath or think you have hurt them back, they do not have the same brain functionality as normal people. It you react like that then I’m sorry you are not a badass chick you are as bad as them and possibly have sociopathic tendencies yourself. If your partner is indeed a sociopath he will wait weeks of not years to get you back, remember this is a GAME to them and it only ends when they find a new unsuspecting player.
I have lost a fantastic job and had my personal life and all my sins splashed across socials media and emailed to my bosses. I have been physically and verbally assaulted since I left him. My restraining order is nearly at its end and I had no issues for the last few
Months then bam! I come home from work and he has sprayed whore and slut all over my brand new door! This time instead of going into meltdown I accepted that this is merely a pathetic attempt to stir me up again. It’s a door I’ll buy a bloody new one. I ha e now had cctv installed so I will catch him. That is the proper way of getting revenge not to lower ourselves to their level. Now if he is caught he will be arrested and Possibly jailed which will mean he loses his job die to breaking the law rather tha. Me being spiteful back to him.
The way to beat the sociopath is very simple in logical terms if not very hard emotionally. Get a restraining order and use a local domestic violence support group. Most important of all is NO CONTACT.
Good luck ladies we can do this
@Imsooveehim…. First of all I do not haze sociopathic tendencies! I just refused to be a victim and just allowed him to get away with what he did to me!! All that happened to you happened to you because you played a victim and allowed it!! You have no right to accuse of that!!! This worked for me… I did not suffer all that did because I struck back! You handled your situation the way you handled it and I handled mine the way I did!! The difference is I’ve NEVER suffered any overt act from him… Why? He knows there will be consequences. Most of them are cowards anyway… I wasn’t going to let a coward get away with doing all that to me!!! He went from making over $65 a year as a respected Security Specialist to now being a security guard who by the way has been exposed for who he is… Yep I’m a BAD ASS CHICK!!! Good day
Well good luck to you I hope it never comes back to haunt you, I just hope others realise that your way is dangerous, and that he could become so frustrated at your behaviour that he ends up physically harming you. I didn’t play at being a victim, I was/am a victim but that doesn’t make me weak. He is crazy and you can’t fight back with crazy, that’s all I’m saying and I stand my statement to other women that you’re way of dealing with it is not something I would advise other women to do
I too was a victim, but I refused to be victimized further. I also refused to let some piece of human garbage get away with taking my kindness, empathy and love for weakness and just trample on me like I was dirt!! I’m not advocating that all women do what I’ve done! Every person and situation is different. My ex is definite 100% a sociopath HOWEVER he realized that I’m not his usual type of victim!! He’s told me that I was different from any woman he’s been with… The others cried, suffered and did nothing. This is what they look for. Again it’s been a year since he suffered some of what I did ( and kept coming back ) this was before I knew what he was. If and when he decides to so something I’ll be ready for him but I’m not the least bit concerned. All I’m saying is don’t be a victim… Stand up and fight back!!! In whatever way that works for you!!
I didn’t realise my ex was an sp, the second I realised he was not right I ended the relationship I did not put up with his bullshit. I did not spend nights crying over him
More upset that a smart girl
Like myself missed all
The obvious signs that were there once I found this site and read about the behaviours of the sp. Perhaps your ex had nothing on you from
Your past to hurt you? Mine did and used it against me time and time again until i lost my job. I class myself as a survivor as I got a new job and still
Own my house something he promised that I would lose. I have stuff on him, I know he smokes weed and as he works for the navy he would be instantly dismissed, then I would be living in fear of further assaults, damage to my property and threats towards my family.
I hope and pray you never face repercussions from him, now he has a new victim I mean that sincerely x
Thank you…. No, he doesn’t have anything on me that could hurt me. During the time he was ” using me” and taking advantage of my help he gave me a lot of info that I was able to hurt him with later. I would have never done that to someone I loved and who I thought loved me. The rest of the info just kinda revealed itself to me. That’s what happens when people do wrong to others. Karma!! I haven’t lost a thing… I’ve actually gained, but he’s lost a lot. Mostly his own doing. I think in the end they all meet the wrong person eventually and pay dearly one way or the other.
CindyT~
Congrats on how far you’ve come.
The way you talk, I’m surprised you allowed yourself to be a victim at all!
Did you get out of the “hurt stage” after the break-up, on your own? or did the therapy help?
I’m THINKing about doing therapy but I don’t want to waste my time with someone not knowledgeable on the subject of Sociopaths.
Was that a prerequisite for the therapist that you got?
The statement you made~
With all due respect some of you give these people wayyyyy to much power and credit!!!
I disagree!!
CRAZY isn’t giving them credit or power in the least!
CRAZY is unKNOWN!
Especially when they don’t give a flying anything about what they do or who they do it to.
I know mine’s rage was about as scary as he could muster as he never did get physical but, maybe I got lucky.
I think you really got lucky in your case.
I haven’t run across ANY other’s stories of how they got what they deserved back much less double the amount.
High 5 to you.
@GayeLynn… Thank you. I became a victim because love is BLIND and this guy was GOOD!!! Before I came to the agency that he worked for he had been there for 8 years and NO ONE knew who he really was!!! He had this very magnetic personality and is very personable and cute ( in every sense ). I’m a very honest and upfront person so I never imagined that people like this existed!!! The lies were so believable!!! I’ve never known anyone to lie about stuff like that!! He was younger but relatively successful until his deceit caught up to him. He was forced to resign and I felt bad for him. He didn’t really know what to do and I loved him so I did everything in my power to help. A shortt time after that is when he really started pull away, lie more, deceive more ( my guess is the new victim was on the scene) I still did not know what he was… I just thought how could someone mistreat someone who loved and was helping them through one of the toughest times in their life!! I had been in a loveless marriage and was unhappy…. Enters this attractive, exciting, attentive, sexy and funny guy!! And he wants ME!!! I fell quick and hard!!! He saw this other side of me quickly and broke it off, but I convinced him to come back. He later told me while he was pissed that the sex kept him with me. I’m sure later when he discovered that I would loan him money that became the primary reason to keep me around. It took a long time to get over the hurt, truthful I still have days when I feel it. They are few and far in between. I sometimes still miss the ” him” that I thought he was initially. As far as getting the money back, once I saw that I meant nothing to him I was determined to get my money back and because he had lied about helping with a terminally sick Dad’s medical bills to get it I penalized him!!! He owed me $700-$800, I made him sign a promissory note for $1,500… Which I’m sure he had no intention of honoring. The day that he was supposed to pay me he played this dumb game of asking me to meet him at a public place. I knew he wasn’t coming but I gave him the chance to show up. He didn’t. I told him if he did not show up and pay me I was headed to his parent’s house. They did not know he had lost his job ( he was staying with them and going out every morning driving for uber ). When I got there he was there, he came out and threw a check for $1,500 in my car window. I got out and went into the house to speak with the parents to tell them the whole story and that I didn’t trust the check. They assured me that the check would clear and if it didn’t to come back and they would pay me. It cleared. Yes, make sure the therapist that you choose has experience/knowledge of sociopaths. My Dr. is wonderful!!! I’m still healing, but I’ve come a long way!!! I hope this answered your questions.
CindyT~
I agree!
That is the HARDest thing to comprehend, if at all, how they can be so “honest” and “loving” and “caring”~when they aren’t any of those.
It’s only been 8 weeks for me with me going NC and it’s only been easier because I’ve been here and done this SO many times before.
But, yes, the goods were GREAT so they do still enter the brain.
As long as they stay far away from the heart, we’re safe!!
Again~You getting 2 x’s the amount of money makes ME happy cause I just KNOW how unhappy he (they) would be with that outcome.
Actually, me getting my car, even though it cost me $$ was so unlike me that his head must’ve spun and probably still is.
Now what does he have to even get me to PONder giving him the rest of his stuff he left behind~nothing.
Oh, except I forgot that he did send me a text saying, “Let material things be important to you now as they won’t be if you get cancer like I do.”
I had to keep the NC up or I would have replied, “Are you saying that YOU are a CANcer?” haha!
And those cowboy boots that weren’t cheap~I bet 1 of his victims unknowingly bought them FOR him.
He denies this but 1 of the last loans I loaned him was for $500 and he came home that same night with a new can-corder.
Hmmmmm….guess he forgot to take that too which I just now remembered.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Quoted that text wrong above~
He said, “Let material things be important to you now as they won’t be if you get cancer like ME.”
That’s what is so funny too.
The TEXT book these people follow.
You’d think someone would do something just a little different as to try and confuse people but they DON’T.
Is it just me or do they all cry CANCER?! My ex sociopath lied for almost a year that his dad has prostate cancer. He used that poor deceased man ( since 2008 ) for everything!! Just outrageous!!!
Wow!!! This helped me a lot!!!! These people are incredible!!! My ex told me 2 months into the relationship that his Dad and prostate cancer and that he managed most of his healthcare ( appts, treatments, medical bills) told me that his other siblings lived far away and his dad did not drive… That he was trying to be a good son. Ha!!! So for months I was told every Saturday ( sometimes Sunday’s too) that he had to go to Baltimore to see about his dad, or dad had a stroke or some other medical crisis which prevented him from spending time with me on the weekends. This went on for months. I would get frustrated and try to break it off but there would always be an emergency and what kind of person would I be if I stopped seeing him because he had to take care of a sick Dad? He told me that all of his money ( after rent and living expenses ) was going to his dad’s expenses. He asked to borrow a little money once, I was to be repaid in 2 weeks. Of course there was an excuse and I never got repaid. After that he manipulated me into helping him financially by sadly complaining about being broke because he was helping his dad, the siblings were not helping. I started giving him money every 2 weeks. I believed that his dad was sick and that we were a couple in a committed relationship. It was all lies!! When I messaged his wife ( who’s working in another country) she told me that he told me those lies because he didn’t want to spend time with me…. Imagine the shock and hurt I felt upon hearing that!! I had already suspected something wasn’t right about the father. I found out this past January that dad has been dead since 2008!!! Well as I’ve stated before I recouped every dollar and then some but it still doesn’t take away that pain. These people are a piece of work!!!
Wow… unbelievable. So unbelievable you almost think this HAS to be true. Nobody could make this up.
UPDATE on cancer diagnosis~
Out of the blue, one of his most “normal” (only(?) friend called me.
He didn’t leave a message so I called back.
He stuttered that it was a mis-dial.
I said, “OH! I thought you called to tell me something about his cancer.”
🙂
He said no but he didn’t inquire and I didn’t elaborate.
I just asked that he remove my # from his phone to avoid any future mis-dials.
(I hope he’s not TOO sad that his friend has cancer that he was probably not aware of.
LOL!!
Trust me he won’t be back… At least not to do anything to me. Maybe to try to suck me into him ( he’s fully aware of how much I loved and cared for him) just to use me for whatever need he has but not to do anything to overtly hurt me. Hell…. I don’t even think he will come back for that. He’s told me that he doesn’t trust me or what I’ll do if he hurts me. He is fully aware that he will always do something to hurt me. No worries. He’s completely moved on from me!!
Thanks for your concern and support. Just to update you, my wife has gone to stay with her Mother for a few weeks and has taken the kids with her. I can’t blame her and I feel just terrible about everything I’ve put her through, but I think we’ll come through this. I’ve decided to let it all go and concentrate on the positive. No point wasting my nerves on the girl that gave me nothing but trauma, so with a bit of luck that will be the end of it all. I’ve said that before, but I really don’t know what more she can do now to hurt me.
Hope you’re OK too. I’ll never be the same again, and right now I’m looking at every person and seeing them as s sociopath, but I suppose that will heal in time.
Hi Janos…. I’m sorry that your wife left ( it sounds temporary so I’m praying she will return). Yes, let it all go …. Hopefully that sociopath has moved on and will leave you and your wife alone. I’m great!! My ex reached out to me late Saturday night just to say ” hi”. Lol!! I can now laugh at his antics!! I’ve come so far, I won’t let him hurt me again. Yes, I know what you mean…. I’m starting to assess everyone and wonder if they are sociopaths. I trust no one. You will be ok… Pray a lot and talk to people you trust about what you’ve been through. That’s how I making it through. Praying for you!!
@GayeLynn Thank you.
I believe you are correct – we can and will (!) learn something from these types of people. I have for example come to the realization that I have huge issues with “being alone” and that I “need” to love someone else in order to feel happy. I am always looking after someone to take care of instead of taking care of me. I believed that I was taking care of me only because I do it so much on the outside with hair, makeup and all that stuff that in the end does not matter at all. I need to work on me, to start loving myself, to learn liking me and being with me. Building my self confidence so that I will not take bullshit, games and horrible treatment from people. It’s so hard but I learned this about myself only because of what she did to me. Well, haha! I have not stopped the looking at social sites completely but I am better and I try to avoid it as much as I possibly can. It’s very hard because she has gone “crazy” with her posting, trying to hurt me badly and making me crazy jealous one day ( posted a picture with her ex girlfriend on the place she and I had a wonderful day and date together ) and then makingme nostalgic and in love the next day. She really has her mind set on trying to break me. It makes my mind go crazy and I know it is poison for my healing so I need to let go. I’m just not completely there yet. It’s so hard I could scream and throw things but I will never stop fighting for it and I hope you will be able to stop looking as well. We are only hurting and tricking ourselves, making up excuses maybe in the moment we are doing it to justify it when the only ones we are hurting is ourselves.
I was dumped by a possible sociopath 3 weeks ago and I was torn until I consulted a friend and she told me that he is a sociopath. This really saved my life and I’ve started to stop placing blame on myself.
I’m not really sure if he was a typical full-blown sociopath.
We met in a foreign country when he was traveling in my town, and we started out as friends but developed into a romantic relationship after spending 1 week together. I was in my weak state when we met because I had just been cheated on by a guy I was dating previously so I had told him this story when we were just friends. Then he told me that 6 years ago he was also dumped by a girl who cheated on him and was depressed for years after that. The night that was supposed to be our last night together, he kissed me and said he really liked me. He tried to have sex with me but it felt wrong to do that after knowing someone only for a couple of days so I said no, and we came close to it but we didn’t. Even then, he was always so charming, and after we kissed he would sweep me up like a princess and hold my hands everywhere we went. When we said goodbye, he told me “you are too good for the previous guy. I hope you forget about him.” After he left I kept thinking about things that we did, things that he said to me, and it felt like he was everything I wanted with qualities that I was longing for. He was flying to a different town within my country, and he said he missed me and wanted to see me again. Next thing I know I am booking tickets to go join him on his vacation. By this time I was determined not to ever go back to my previous guy, and I got sexually involved with the new guy, wanting to know where we would end up. We did not bring up specific talks about what would happen after, but he said “you are mine now” and talked about how much he was going to miss me. After he went back home we were texting each other everyday, and he asked me “When are you coming to see me? Come as soon as you can”. I lived halfway across the world from him but we made plans to see each other again in 2 months. Over the course of 2 months we talked everyday saying how we missed each other and Skyped every week. He would give me so many ideas of what we would do when we saw each other, in terms of vacationing plans, and giving me thousands of hugs, kisses, etc… All my motivation thereafter was about seeing him and thinking about how much fun we would have. Few days before I saw him he texted me “I miss you so much my Lucy please come back to me”. I really had no doubts or worries about the relationship with him. But then came the day we would finally be together and he didn’t seem very happy to see me. He said he was tired so I just said okay and let it go. The next day I met his parents and they were very nice people. He seemed really trusting to me actually because he had such good relationship with his parents who were happily married for 30 years and his brother who was in an 8-year relationship with his girlfriend doing long-distance for last 3 years 2000 mi apart. After that we left for our 1-week vacation and even met with his brother’s girlfriend along the way. But he was a different person. He was distant, didn’t hold my hands or kiss me anymore except for a couple of times, though sex was there everyday. At times he was nice and happy, and other times he wasn’t. He even snapped on me for small things several times. I’m not the type to argue and didn’t say much since I wanted to just enjoy the time I had with him. After we came back from vacation we had dinner with his parents again. He was so exhausted from driving he was falling asleep. Then we finally went back to his place. I was taking a quick shower thinking he wanted to rest soon, but suddenly at 9PM he said “I need some alone time” and took off. Said he would be back for sure before midnight but did not come home until 2:30AM. I called but he didn’t pick up and just dropped me a text “I won’t be long”. I could not hold myself together anymore and questioned him after he came home. He finally mentioned that there isn’t someone else “yet” since it’s not official. I fell apart but he supported me and apologized, though he said he did not know I was coming just to see him even though I was staying with him for 3 weeks. The next day he wasn’t blatantly mean to me but was no longer apologetic and told me I should’ve communicated better about my intentions. I cut my vacation short but wanted to enjoy just 1 more week with him so I did the best I could. One night though I asked him, “did you ever really like me? It wasn’t just for sex?” Then he suddenly got mad and shut me out. He said he did not want to talk about this because I was going to accuse him. Eventually I gave up because I didn’t want to force him into anything, but after that he became nice and made the move to be physically involved again. The last 2 days I had with him he was nice, though he was texting on the phone from time to time (probably with his girl). He was almost back to the person he was when we first met. He kissed me again and held my hands. I was devastated after I got home, but since he said he wanted to be friends and would visit me again as soon as he could I still talked to him sometimes. It drove me crazy though when he would stop answering me at night so I started not texting him. Then he would just drop texts saying “I miss you”. I could not make sense of why he had suddenly dumped me, still wanted to be friends, I was just left confused with guilt. I could not keep myself sane anymore and texted him a lot and I think eventually he found it annoying and said, “You were right maybe we shouldn’t talk for some time. You’ll always be special to me, so if you want come back to me when you’re ready.” I answered back saying, “can I at least know what happened?” He said “as I told you I met her few days before you arrived and I could not tell you because it got “serious” the day before you came”. I tried to ask more questions but he just shut me out saying “it will not help you and it will not help me”. So everything ended there. I am still left perplexed because he cherishes his family and relatives, they love him back. He told me that he was torn after the relationship 6 years ago and hasn’t had any long-term relationships since then (at most 1-2 months) because he feared to love again. He also said he often feels lonely though he doesn’t show it.
I’m still recovering from this relationship and haven’t been able to process everything. It would be nice to hear some thoughts from other people.
I ignored the red flags. He was handsome, 6’2″, blond and love bombed me so hard and fast, I lost my bearings. He was a knight in shining armor who rescued me (that is what he kept telling me…he recused me). I didn’t know that I needed to be rescued. He chased me hard and said everything a woman would ever want to hear from a prince of man for the first six months. Over a period of one weekend through,my knight turned into my worst nightmare. The first time he screamed at me at the TOP of his lungs, he had just moved in with me in my house. He slowly verbally and emotional abused me. I still married him as he love bombed my family too. I did not to realize the financial abuse until I was 100k in credit card debt. He kept promising to get a job but never did. He kept telling me that my high income job would pay off the debt and to stop complaining. His anger would escalate every 3 weeks until he exploded with the most foul language and insults. The day he called me a c–t, I told him I would divorce him if he every called me that again. I knew that he would not be able to maintain his cool. I started keeping and stashing cash in my work office. His anger would continue to escalate and he yelled at me so hard that spittle would land in my hair. Yet, he would stop and not use that word. At about 6 months after my ultimatum, I confronted him on a 15k bill from the landscaper for work that had been performed over the last year in my yard. My ex never paid the money I gave him for that monthly bill. This was when he called me a c–t for the last time. He knew immediately that he crossed the line. I was so physically sick to my stomach and ran to the bathroom. During that time of vomiting and crying, as he was pounding on the door to let him in, I knew that would need to escape. It took me three days as he literally begged me to forgive him for me to leave …one morning as he was still in bed. My sister Annie was horrified when I told her the real story. I stayed with her for a month as my barracuda of a woman attorney got him out of my house. During this time, court records from his first divorced reveal he had a borderline personality disorder with sociopathic/naracasstic tendencies. Holy shit! I am not the crazy one and I am not losing my mind. In the end, I had have my freedom, my house and no contact with him. Thank god for my tough love therapist and the group of women that I meet with that have suffered from the abuse of a sociopath.
Thank you for letting me tell my story. I am sitting in the quiet of my house, with tears streaming down my face, filled with gratitude. I wish you all peace. I find strength in our shared stories. And… I am not crazy. Helen
I have read many many stories other people have posted about their nightmare of a boyfriend/girlfriend whom they are positive is a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist ect. & some of them could be but a lot, in my opinion, are just being spiteful & vindictive a**holes during the break or end of their relationship, which doesn’t usually bring out the best in ppl, right? The reason I’m saying this is bcuz I know with 100% certainty that my ex boyfriend & father of my son is with out a doubt a complete sociopath &/or psychopath/somnophiliac. I’m literally in the works of writing a book on my expierences with him. I will try 2 sum it 4 u: in the beginning there were red flags that I chose 2 ignore like the LYING, even about things he didn’t have 2 lie about! That was the very 1st red flag 4 me especially since I’m am so brutally honest, honest 2 a flaw & have always said that I hate liars! On our 5th day together he told me he loved me & said it everyday from that point on, even when I argued that it wasn’t physically possible. He told me lots of lies in the beginning that made himself out 2 b this really great catch. For instance, his mothers house was worth just under a million dollars & she added his name 2 the deed so it was 2 b his if she died. The value of her house is public knowledge & worth a fraction of 1 million dollars & she told me she would NEVER put him on the deed of her house. His teeth were in bad shape & he was missing quite a few. His reason 4 this was that he was a great skateboarder who was discovered by a promoter & was paid 2 make skateboarding videos & while doing some trick down 10-15 stairs, fell & broke his jaw & a ton of teeth ect. Again I asked his mother who disproved that story as well, he was never that good of a skateboarder & his teeth were like that from bad hygiene. Lies were the basis of his persona but it wasn’t JUST the lies, there was extremely odd behavior as well. He was a horrible drug addict addicted 2 crack cocaine & seemed completely powerless over that addiction & didn’t have any desire at all 2 change. He was a big time thief & would steal everything from money 2 my prescription drugs 2 my mothers money too! Early on in our relationship he began 2 masturbate in front of me, without any shame whatsoever!! I don’t mean masturbating while we were fooling around or having sex. I mean he would watch porn on his phone, porn was another addiction, & just start masturbating with me right there like it was completely normal behavior. I was completely taken back by this & I was embarrassed 4 him, but that was something he did throughout our entire relationship. Another sexually degrading & violating act he performed on me our entire relationship was having sex with me when I was completely unconscience, either intoxicated or medicated but either way I was sleeping & not at all participating. Even though I felt completely violated & thought this behavior was weird 2 say the least, I never did anything about it like go 2 the police bcuz we were together in a relationship but I had voiced 2 him my displeasure & have even awoken many of times 2 fight him off of me. Believe it or not, all of the behaviors I’ve listed here & that wasn’t even EVERYTHING, were some of his better behaviors before the mask came completely off. That happened 2 1/2 years into our relationship & when our son together was just 10 months old. Unbeknownst 2 me he starting having an affair with his married neighbor who is 20 years his senior which began when he began doing construction work in her house. I was clueless except the 1 red flag of him always coming home after work & talking about this lady & her husband every single day. I assume when things heated up between them & God only knows what lies he told her about me, 1 day out the clear blue sky he went 2 the courts & filed 4 custody of our son saying I was a bad drug addict, when in reality it’s him who still is the addict. That’s how he left me & let it b known that there was someone else & did not want a thing 2 do with me. How could someone just up & abandon someone that they’ve been with 4 that long & it meant absolutely nothing 2 him, as tho I was yesterday’s trash! I was devastated but I got my son back a week later, changed my phone number & moved on. A month later he contacted me, wanted 2 meet 4 coffee & I assumed his affair didn’t work out & he was crawling back. I was wrong. For a year & a half he kept me in his love triangle with this lady, back n forth between us. He literally used me 4 all he could in regards 2 making this lady jealous or feel some type of way but it was always about her, I was nothing more than collateral damage in his quest 2 prove his live & devotion 2 her. The way I found out who she is was 1 night he invited me over by saying he was home watching tv & 2 stop by. I didn’t know at the time but he was actually at her house & when I pulled in front of his house, he had ran across the street & jumped his neighbors fence 2 fool me into thinking he was coming outside from his side door. As we were sitting in my car talking, the lady pulled up with her teenage daughter & told him 2 “let’s go” which made my heart drop. As I’m yelling at him 2 get out my car which he wouldn’t, this lady got out her car & approached my window & began punching me as I’m siting in the car. I took off with this lady hanging onto my car & she eventually fell off. They went 2 police station saying I attacked them both & bcuz I drive off with her on my car, they charged me with a felony & he got a tro on me when he didn’t even have my real phone number at the time & had tried making it permanent.. He had an entire year 2 tell the truth 4 me but he didn’t & allowed me 2 become a felon. Of course I’m leaving out a lot of details here but u get the picture. He would tell me he loved me & wanted 2 work things out but his actions never correlated with his words. He would never stop his relations with this woman 4 me or not but wud lie 2 me about over & over. When he felt she was slipping away, he wud devise a scheme 2 prove his loyalty 2 her by devaluing & destroying me. He tried framing me & putting me in jail. Was recording our conversations together, even while here in my home. While asleep next 2 him, he went into my phone & posted 2 Facebook like it was me talking about kidnapping & killing this lady & legit took this 2 police 2 bring me up on charges 4 something I didn’t even do but thank God the police saw through him. Whenever he did something truly horrible 2 me, it was all 4 her & 2 win her back. He went 2 police & lied saying I slapped him & had me arrested & brought up on a false charge. He’s called DYFS on me repeatedly many times would threaten suicide 2 me but never went through with it. This is just a a taste of his behavior & of course not everything but u can imagine the lunatic of man he is. I blocked him & have no contact now & every once in a while he will reach out one way or another but I ignore & avoid at all costs. He is not worth the drama & heartache that he causes 2 my life, it’s like he’s hell bent on destroyng me 4 no reason at all. Like he’s actually upset that I’m not associating with him 4 him 2 use & abuse 4 his own personal pleasure so he’s hell bent on hurting me every chance he gets 2. I’m so much happier without him in my life now & I can’t believe I tolerated such unhealthy toxic behavior from this coward 4 so many years of my life but it’s over 4 good now. Thanks 4 reading. Good luck!
How do i send you my story? I need help desperately and at this point I don’t care if it is posted publicly or if I just send it to you personally in hopes of guidance.
Hi – I don’t know what I have dealt with, or indeed if I am even qualified to assume she was a psychopath or sociopath, but she has left me in utter desperation and despair.
I will call her G for this story.
I was a single, divorced a couple of years before I met her, I had rebuilt my life after the divorce (first wife went back to her ex, wasn’t brutal). I had gotten an apartment, was living well.
I went to a management retreat, wasn’t dating anyone, a beautiful woman from my company was also there, she always turned my head and I thought she was wonderful.
On the first night, after hardly saying a word to her she followed me to my lodge and tapped on my shoulder, we began kissing then having sex, the whole week every night we would sleep together. Within two weeks she told me she had met her soul-mate, loved me more than anyone before, within four weeks she was talking marriage, constantly telling me she adored me, sending me messages all day, I thought how amazing she was, and I could not believe how lucky I was, I gave up my apartment and moved in with her (a property her grandfather owns) after only eight weeks. amazing sex etc.
Everyone who knows me told me to stay away from her, that she was going to be trouble, I ignored them all.
Now for G’s history, she is 36, has been married three times and engaged twice, had two other long term(ish) relationships, she has three children 6,8 and 12 from two ex husbands. She has three day a week custody (weds, thurs, and fri). ALL her exes are crazy she says, first a drunk, second a controlling jerk, third abusive, fourth physically abusive and on and on.
She put an engagement ring on her own finger, and said she wanted to show everyone she was committed etc, that was a worry for me, I bonded with the Children, the day after Xmas I was not feeling so well, we had a family outing with her grandparents planned, I went but did not feel good, the night before she had been all over me and so nice, when I felt sick she did not seem to care, we had plans the following day to go away and I had booked tickets and hotels etc, the next morning she went out to get some coffee, I suddenly get a text saying “I don’t feel the same way about you anymore, pack up and leave, I wont be back for two days”. Devastated I left, it had only been five months. five days later she calls me and says she had made the worst mistake of her life, she loves me and needs me back, what did I do ? I raced back immediately of course. She really got attached again, I had work travel but she seemed very attentive and loving.
March – She starts itching and scratching in bed, saying it must be the laundry detergent etc, two weeks later, guess what I itch, but I go to the Doctor, who says I have Scabies, I am shocked, I come home and tell her, she gets treated, she is SO calm about it, she hands me printouts of websites saying it can be contracted by hotel sheets etc, I travelled to Dallas a month before on business, It must have been me. again I give the benefit of the doubt. (The dermatologist said to me that it is 99% of the time transmitted by prolonged physical contact).
Fast forward to June, she went on two “girls” weekends that month, I stayed home. Something changed suddenly, then boom I get an email from one of her Ex men, he forwarded me pictures and emails she had sent him, he also chronicled times they had been together whilst she was in the relationship with me, all when I was on travel. I addressed this with her, she said her emails were closure but also that he had tampered with them, what di I do ? I bought it. She said it was in the past, immediately she said to me lets go to Vegas and get married, I said again that I did not want to rush that part. She was all over me again. July – the Ex forwards me a text she sent saying “Are you lonesome tonight” She denied it and again said he had not sent it and he was jealous and crazy.
She was all over me, lots of sex, I had a two day trip to Indianapolis on business, she is out with the girls, I come home on Friday, spent evening with Kids whilst she went to see her friend who is depressed, she arrives back at 1am, something is wrong, she is distant, not hugging in bed which she always did, Saturday she gets up to go to gym, text comes in, I am going away for 4 days as I need a break, I packed yesterday, I am dumbfounded, she does not answer any calls or texts. Comes back on Monday, I plead with her to please tell me what’s wrong, she says she does not know, next day she is passionate again, all over me, loving me, then the day after “Boom” get out, so I left, this time I left absolutely heartbroken but I also told her truths, I talked to a mutual friend who told me she was having an affair with a guy who had just moved to the area, but not only that, that she has seen many men when I travel, leaving clubs with them when I am away.
So I write her a seething letter, telling her how unacceptable she behaves, her ex husband (father of two of her children) calls me, asks to meet, I do, turns out she had multiple affairs when she was with him, and also when she was with her other husbands and partners, her 6 year old daughter has had 4 live-in men in her life.
Also worse still, she tells him and the Children I had to move away for work.
There is so much more, I haven’t spoken to her in weeks, she has now taken to parking outside my office window, all dressed up, her office is a block away.
Sociopath or just a cheater ? I do not know. I am left devastated, shell shocked and embarrassed.
I have not read the whole story but I have read few paragraph about within 2 weeks, she states that she loves you. She was basically love bombing you. She is a NARC. Another sign she is a narc is that she claims that all of her exs are “crazy” Thats a LIE. What she claims her exs are, thats her. Please GET OUT ASAP!! If not, it will be hard in the future. They can DESTROY YOUR LIFE. The only way is going NO CONTACT!!!
Hi – I don’t know what I have dealt with, or indeed if I am even qualified to assume she was a psychopath or sociopath, but she has left me in utter desperation and despair.
I will call her G for this story.
I was a single, divorced a couple of years before I met her, I had rebuilt my life after the divorce (first wife went back to her ex, wasn’t brutal). I had gotten an apartment, was living well.
I went to a management retreat, wasn’t dating anyone, a beautiful woman from my company was also there, she always turned my head and I thought she was wonderful.
On the first night, after hardly saying a word to her she followed me to my lodge and tapped on my shoulder, we began kissing then having sex, the whole week every night we would sleep together. Within two weeks she told me she had met her soul-mate, loved me more than anyone before, within four weeks she was talking marriage, constantly telling me she adored me, sending me messages all day, I thought how amazing she was, and I could not believe how lucky I was, I gave up my apartment and moved in with her (a property her grandfather owns) after only eight weeks. amazing sex etc.
Everyone who knows me told me to stay away from her, that she was going to be trouble, I ignored them all.
Now for G’s history, she is 36, has been married three times and engaged twice, had two other long term(ish) relationships, she has three children 6,8 and 12 from two ex husbands. She has three day a week custody (weds, thurs, and fri). ALL her exes are crazy she says, first a drunk, second a controlling jerk, third abusive, fourth physically abusive and on and on.
She put an engagement ring on her own finger, and said she wanted to show everyone she was committed etc, that was a worry for me, I bonded with the Children, the day after Xmas I was not feeling so well, we had a family outing with her grandparents planned, I went but did not feel good, the night before she had been all over me and so nice, when I felt sick she did not seem to care, we had plans the following day to go away and I had booked tickets and hotels etc, the next morning she went out to get some coffee, I suddenly get a text saying “I don’t feel the same way about you anymore, pack up and leave, I wont be back for two days”. Devastated I left, it had only been five months. five days later she calls me and says she had made the worst mistake of her life, she loves me and needs me back, what did I do ? I raced back immediately of course. She really got attached again, I had work travel but she seemed very attentive and loving.
March – She starts itching and scratching in bed, saying it must be the laundry detergent etc, two weeks later, guess what I itch, but I go to the Doctor, who says I have Scabies, I am shocked, I come home and tell her, she gets treated, she is SO calm about it, she hands me printouts of websites saying it can be contracted by hotel sheets etc, I travelled to Dallas a month before on business, It must have been me. again I give the benefit of the doubt. (The dermatologist said to me that it is 99% of the time transmitted by prolonged physical contact).
Fast forward to June, she went on two “girls” weekends that month, I stayed home. Something changed suddenly, then boom I get an email from one of her Ex men, he forwarded me pictures and emails she had sent him, he also chronicled times they had been together whilst she was in the relationship with me, all when I was on travel. I addressed this with her, she said her emails were closure but also that he had tampered with them, what di I do ? I bought it. She said it was in the past, immediately she said to me lets go to Vegas and get married, I said again that I did not want to rush that part. She was all over me again. July – the Ex forwards me a text she sent saying “Are you lonesome tonight” She denied it and again said he had not sent it and he was jealous and crazy.
She was all over me, lots of sex, I had a two day trip to Indianapolis on business, she is out with the girls, I come home on Friday, spent evening with Kids whilst she went to see her friend who is depressed, she arrives back at 1am, something is wrong, she is distant, not hugging in bed which she always did, Saturday she gets up to go to gym, text comes in, I am going away for 4 days as I need a break, I packed yesterday, I am dumbfounded, she does not answer any calls or texts. Comes back on Monday, I plead with her to please tell me what’s wrong, she says she does not know, next day she is passionate again, all over me, loving me, then the day after “Boom” get out, so I left, this time I left absolutely heartbroken but I also told her truths, I talked to a mutual friend who told me she was having an affair with a guy who had just moved to the area, but not only that, that she has seen many men when I travel, leaving clubs with them when I am away.
So I write her a seething letter, telling her how unacceptable she behaves, her ex husband (father of two of her children) calls me, he tells me her history, the fact his 6 year old daughter has had 4 live in men (other than him) in her life. She cheated on him and others, in fact she wasn’t divorced when they met.
There is so much more, I don’t know what she is, she has not taken to parking outside my office window A BLOCK away form her office, all dressed up etc, I let her know how dreadful she was via mail. She is all over social media with yet another guy, she has had 4 partners in the last month.
Our relationship lasted 13 Months, I am a complete mess, sociopath ? I don’t know, she has very few friends and all of them were new, or is she just a woman with poor moral’s and low integrity, thing is I loved her so much I wish I could re-wind and try again.
Ajw~
No ifs ands or buts~You’ve got yourself a textbook Sociopath!!
Now that she’s left, consider yourself LUCKY and never look back!!!!!!!!
Mine did that to me and MORE, more times than I can recall, (I CAN recall but I’m not going to embarrass myself!) within a 5.5 year span.
I promise!~It(she) will never get better.
If you like drama, if you like fake, if you like being cheated on, if you like empty/broken promises, if you like NEVER knowing what is about to happen next (bad OR good)…..then’s she’s the 1 for you.
If NOT~LET HER RUN and I suggest you do the same.
Just in the opposite direction!!!
I was taken advantage of by a true Sociopath. Darren Ambler from New Jersey was obsessive- possessive-sexually addicted and just plain gross. He stalked various women on line including myself. All he wanted was sex- oral sex as well as complete control of me- and my body. The minute he would arrive at my house his clothes would be off in minutes. I must say Darren Ambler’s naked body is pretty hard to take. He is bad enough with his shabby clothes on. This guy was a filthy obsessive pervert who had self-serving motives.
I think about it now and it us scary to know I was taken advantage advantage of by a guy who was completely bonkers and out of control. I know one day this low-life will get what he deserves and then some. However- some day for me is not soon enough.
Darren Ambler needs to learn about consequences- feelings- truth- reality and accountability. He knows nothing about the things in which I just mentioned. People like this live their lives manipulating and lying. I am sure right now this creep is figuring out ways to get away with something else. The day will come when this “poor excuse for a man” will have to face the harsh truth. The truth is he is a bad person with no moral compass or ability to separate truth from fantasy. A sad case and very dangerous to females such as myself. I will never figure out how a man can live his life sleeping with every women that comes down the pike- lie about it and continue his games of lies and deception. A mentally deranged creature for sure.
So glad a friend referred me to this page. It’s been a lifesaver. My story is really not that different. I met this guy on a FB friend’s page. From the get go there were so many signs that something was weird about this guy. First of all he’s a raging alcoholic, physically and mentally abusive.
Every time I tried to stay away he would lure me back in. He used me for money and housing. He would drink his unemployment money.
Despite me finding out that he talked to other women behind my back I still stayed. I moved him into my home after he went to rehab.
He did a stint in jail for domestic violence. He started drinking again shortly after he moved in. The abuse began again. He would break my things, I lived in terror.
He left with a woman he met while doing his protests against police brutality ( how ironic, he’s against police brutality but he brutalized me behind closed doors)
Not going to lie for some reason I loved ( so I thought) him very much.
Now him and his new gf ( the widow of the man he’s supposedly seeking justice for) placed restraining orders on me. I was shocked that he would place a restaining order on me being that he has 2 felony convictions for domestic violence. This sealed the coffin for me. I endured 5 LONG YEARS with this man.
My question is: if he placed a restraining order on me ( which is valid until 2019) does this mean that I don’t have to worry about him making contact with me?
He should be set, as the woman he is with now is employed full time, has her own apartment and is crazy about him. They’re both very much in love living together since July.
I just want to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I can’t believe I fell for this parasite of a man.
Hi ajw and nette
I’m glad you found your way here. I’m a year out of a rship that lasted nearly 5 yrs. He was cheating on me the last 2 for sure, lied about his name the entire time.yet we saw each other every single day and talked marriage, famiky, future. I’m broken.but I’m rebuilding. You will too.we are trusting, loving souls who ignored our gut when we felt things weren’t right. We will move on.they will relive the same horrible patterns and never be happy.
We are here for you
I have a question…. how many of you still love them? Feel sorry and worry for them? My ex-spath started ” casually” contacting me about a month ago…. I’m over him for the most part ( prayer and therapy helped me tremendously). I’m always aware of what he is, and I’m pretty sure that he can’t hurt me again…. I’m cautious of my interaction with him, but I still care and I feel so sorry for him. He doesn’t share much about his life these day, but I know him and I know he’s not doing well. He’s lost a lot due to his own actions. I’m careful to protect myself but I care about him and it breaks my heart to know that he’s struggling and keep doing the same things. They don’t learn… they don’t get that they will never live a productive and happy life. I know I should cut him off completely but I feel sorry for him. My life has gotten so much better since we broke up. He pops up from time to time then disappears and ignores texts and calls for a period of time. It’s so sad. I’m working on no contact.
Hi Cindy,
I’ve been no contact for about a month and a half after a four year relationship. I feel so much stronger every day, and I can honestly say that I never feel sorry for him. I don’t allow myself to.
You care for a facade and a fake life you had together, the true person beneath the mask is someone who does not understand empathy, guilt or love. They pick us because we feel so much for others that they want to be near it and get something out of it. My sp used my empathy and love for the last two years of our relationship to slowly take away all the good parts of the relationship and leave only pain and misery. I stayed with him because he was “going through such a stressful time right now” and of course I loved him and would never leave him. I wanted to help as much as I could at the expense of my own happiness. Of course, during this time was when he was starting his plans of leaving me and talking about how horrible I was to his fan club…I never heard any of this. This is why they pick us.
Just ask yourself if he ever feels guilt or sorrow for the things he put you through. If he is a true sociopath, the answer will be no. And there is no “casual” contact with an sp. They are users in all that they do. He is using you for your heart again, and 1) making you feel bad for him so that 2) he can gain something (either just sympathy or eventually material help, only time will tell).
I would 100% recommend no contact. Literally block him on everything. If he texts you, you won’t know, if he doesn’t, you don’t have to feel sad about it because you won’t know. My head has been so much clearer since blocking and stopping looking at his facebook, twitter, etc etc (so many places to avoid!). They know when they are losing someone who they had so devoted. A week ago my sp sent me a snapchat, which he hadn’t used in the four years we were together. I didn’t even look at the snap, just blocked him. I would not have been strong enough to ignore it a month and a half ago.
I still think about my sp every day. Normally in the mornings and at night. I miss something about him or our relationship for a second, then I remember, he planned this out. He chose to cheat and lie and deceive, and I will never feel sorry for him. Some may say it’s karma, but these people don’t know how to treat anyone for an extended period of time. Any pain or trouble they have they bring on themselves.
Plus, he will be able to find a new helper easily. Don’t let it be you again when you know better.
Much love and I hope the best for you to be strong!!
Hi Cindy.
I have to say that I still love her, but I honestly does not feel that sorry for her. I guess I would if we got in contact again probably because I am such a caring person and when I care for someone, I really care. Of course she knows this and takes advantage of it. But still when I know so much of her game it always helps to see through her, even if I am in love with her still and always will care for her. She will never care for me the way I do for her, and I know that I deserve just the same love as I give in return.
I have no feelings for my ex-sp, but I miss the man he pretended to be. Knowing that the man I thought I loved never really existed has made it easier for me to keep No Contact, because the man he actually is turned out to be a monster…a wolf in sheep’s clothing and any contact would only serve his purposes, not mine.
Thanks Christy!! Just about EVERYTHING you’ve said is right on the money!!!! I know what you’re telling me is true… I was doing so well and as soon as he decided to contact me all those feelings of love and desire for him came back. I know it was all fake and a lie… they hijack our emotions and lives. I’ve been to therapy and I understand that I was attached to the “feeling”, how he made me feel when things were good. Yes, I’m a very caring person ( especially toward him ). But I have to disengage or else he will keep coming back and disappearing. We were intimate once a few weeks ago… nothing but texts since then. I’m ok, but if I don’t cut this off now I will find myself heartbroken and devastated again. Thank you again!!
Ughh so true. They give you just enough to keep you hooked! It sounds like you know what’s best and now just have to do it! You got this. It’s a little more convenient for me because I now live almost 2,500 miles away from my sp…so very little chance of actually bumping into each other thankfully!! Haha
I’m back again on this page guys. I shared my story some time ago, maybe a couple of months ago and I have really been healing and recovering so much since then. I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I am happy and are living life to the fullest. I am actually traveling around the world these days and every day is like a fairytale. But still I get these “fall backs” and it hurts as hell. The reason I get them is because the girl I loved has now even got back together with her X girlfriend who she broke up with when me and her started getting to know each other. She told me she doesn’t love her at all and that she didn’t care about her, she just dumped her like that without hesitating and now they are back together posting on social media everywhere. She even took her X girlfriend to absolutely every single place me and her had dates like all different romantic places she showed me and she posted everything day by day on social media. I cannot believe this and I cannot believe how much she wants to hurt me when I just wanted to love her. It kills me and I can’t believe that I still sometimes look at her social media pages. I have never experienced something like this and I have never felt addicted to a person in the way that I do, but I know she is no good for me. I just have so many questions I will never get the answers too, and I just would like to know if everything with me was fake, or if it’s fake with her x girlfriend who she is back with now or what. I don’t understand how she thinks and I don’t understand how she lives her life and treats people. It’s horrible. Sometimes I miss her so much it kills me and I am working on not being angry or feeling bad about her current girlfriend because I know nothing is her fault, it’s just so easy to feel the jealousy and anger and I really feel it these days. I just want her to dump her current girlfriend, even if I can’t or don’t want to be with her if I am truthful to myself, but my heart still wants her so bad. It breaks me. I hope that one day soon I will be 100% over her.
Hi LJ.
Isn’t it strange how the behaviour of sociopaths is so identical? I would say that FAKE is the main word that describes them. Repeat behaviour – such as taking new partners to the same places, probably telling them the same things, playing the same songs, reciting the same pieces of poetry, whatever it may be, is standard behaviour for a sociopath. I believe this is because they are acting, not feeling. They are playing a role, reading from the same script.
If you imagine that this person is hollow, devoid of real feeling, but able to PRETEND and be convincing, then what you have is a sort of cardboard cutout of a person.
Real people have feelings – we are hurt, baffled,damaged and puzzled that someone can do this to another person; there is no way to resolve it except by acceptance. The sociopath will never change, they can’t. They may try to get back into your life, gain a bit more from you, attention, money, security whatever they are looking for, BUT THEY STILL DONT CARE ABOUT YOU. They only care about themselves.
Good luck with your travels and your career, hopefully you will find a decent person along the way, which will help you to forget.
They mirror you, then manipulate and twist it so the mirror is reflected towards them. Taking your life as their own. They become you. And you become a damaged version of yourself.
You will never get those answers honestly.No contact is the only way to start to heal yourself, this means social meadia too.When your not seeing it or hearing it it will be less on the forefront of your mind.hugs hang in there!
WOW!!!! It boggles the mind!!! The last communication I had from him was Thursday when I emailed him to never text me again, he needs help but I can’t help him. His reply: ” its sad how that you treat me this way”. Lol!!! I did not nor will I reply to that.
JAN 10 2014 I met the most beautiful, loving,kind ,sweet woman I ever met.I was single at the time for 4 years and a single dad raising a son since 2011.I don’t I k ow how but I fell in love real fast with her.She told me things that If wanted to hear for so long.She told me about her and how she was a widow,and raised 3 boys.She told me I was very hansom,smart,a great dad,and we had many things in common.She asked me about my plans and things I like and don’t like.She told me the same….
Wow,she was tall,long blond hair,nice body,very intelligent. we were dating for a months or two.She introduced me to her whole family during a party.sbe walked around and was pretty much being the center of attention.I noticed something seemed t9 be off with her….one minute she enjoying herself with everybody,the next minute she completely silent,looking around.later that afternoon we talked ,she had told me that she did plan on moving to florida,but because she met me she put it off.And asked if I would be willing to move to florida in another two years or so.??? But this time she new I wasn’t happy at my job I told her. She new I wasn’t big on the winters here,I told her that too….why not I said .So there it was the plan to move to florida…i forgot about one thing………i know I wasn’t thinking about marriage……was she?? Hmmmm…
Buy the 5 month I moved my son schools and moved in.She thought that we could save a lot of money for florida,buy doing this……during this time she would allways always be thing me in the morning and saying hi I miss you I love you,every day and when I came home a big hug and coffee and cuddle up and talk and laugh and tell me how greAt I was and how lucky she was ..and on and on and on…I married her 18 months …acter I married her and putting on my money 8nto the house she owned..everything went south real fast.I found that my money was being used for all the house bills.her money was for paying her adult kids cell phone bills,car payments, 60.000 car loans…her life insurance policy…all those words of love she told me…i asked her why she couldn’t show me anymore….she told me.that if she tells me she.loves me it should be enough….my eyes started noticing things….and my mind started thi king about things.past and present….nothing she had told me added up…the stories about being abused in the past….the story of florida,..her dog died ..i new.this thing for 2 years…8 cried like a baby….she didn’t do nothing…she had it for 15 years..no tears..no feelings.no nothing.
Anytime I would aske her to talk about her past husband…no..it ok…no nothing..feel8ngs,emotions…nothing….she left his pix over the bed for a year before I told her to take it done….she said she was sorry,I didn’t know it bothered you….WHAAAAAAAT!!!!
anytime I asked her how she felt …..ok……and all the lies started to add up,and all the questions started.to add up and she was getting very angry and twisting things making me feel like I was doing something wrong buy questioning my wife!!!!
And the days I came home from work and she would be crying and telling me how sorry she was for treating me the way she has been ,I forgave her…10 minutes later eyes were dry as could be and no talk of any past treatment ……WHAT THE HE’LL IS THIS..
Omg….it got worse…..day buy day…..I kept trying and trying telling myself to be patient, it will.be ok…..nope……but every day she kept telling me I love you ,I’m so lucky ,your amazing ,I don’t deserve you….your my twin ,your my soul mate your heaven sent.but could not show me LOVE,EMOTIONS,FEELINGS,..
Never took responsibility of lies I got her in…..one good thing the sex was outstanding !!!!
But,this woman beat me down mentally,physically, emotionally,spiritually….I had lost 43 Ibs in 29 months …i was a mess…still am…my last day with her was Aug 18 2016…….she grew men.and my son out on the street.She new was about to uncover the mask,she new I had enough so she disposed of me.
She mad us homeless,still am…I gave everything 8 had to this woman and her kids….she gave me nothing, and she continues to harm us with slander,and gals claims to the law…….
Im.so glad she did what she did.I would have maybe kept wanting t9 beleive believe she loved me,and the value I put on marriage vows…….I.nust recently.found out she suffers.from ASPD….
for what its worth as much pain and hurt she has done to us…I pray t9 God he helps her,and keeps her safe…I.do not beleive believe she knows the pain she is causing others,not just me but any man she may connect with falsely….I do pray.for her….
I LOVED HER …
I am not sure if I already posted here but I feel like I am alone in this and need some support in figuring out if I was dealing with a Sociopath. I will try and make my story as enjoyable as possible
We live in the same town back in our home country so our families all know each other and we met when I was 15. We kissed one summer and he told me he wanted me to be his girlfreind but once summer vacation was over things died and we never saw each other again. I would hear about him since we have many mutual family members and friends and I heard he married and had a daughter at age 19.
Fast forward to 11 years later we ran into each other at a mutual family members party. That whole night he was acting distant from me but 2 days later I got a text message from him sayng that he just couldnt take it any more and had to talk to me. I should have taken this as a red flag but I just figured that he just still felt something for me from out past. We talked for about 3 months and it was always about his feelings towards me, how he could not shake his LOVE for me. He would send me pictures of written doodles he would do on his hands that would say “i love you” (weird) At this point I had been single for about 5 years and I felt like someone really loved me. My family knew his family and it all felt right.
He came to speak to my parents to ask them permission to date me, he was so convincing and used such beautiful words to describe what he felt for me he even made my mother cry. my mother NEVER cries. Even then I kinda felt like he was lying.
Our relationship was good, we didnt fight , he wasnt full of himself and he wasnt that smart either. he praised me for my accomplishments and would always tell me how proud of me he was. A few months into our relationship I had to go back to our home country to do an errand for my mother, he asksed if he could come since he is from the same town as me back home and had not been in a year, I agreed and I got our flight together. Over there things were a little different he acted a little bit more controlling towards me and when arrived back to the states he always had an excuse as to why he wasnt paying me back for the flight. He then made me feel guilty saying that if i ever needed money he would never beg me for it.
He would buy me gifts all the time and always pay for dinners. I was out of a jobs once and he gave me $500 and never asked for it back, this made me comfrotable to buy him his flight but he was so stubborn in paying me back. This should have been a red flag.
I also caught him in many many many lies, big or small. He would elaborate alot on these lies and i always knew he was lying because he would talk about something alot, like he would always tell me that he wouldnt talk to any of his ex’s , sure enough I went on his phone and saw that he was talking to her. He cried and apologized and said it would never happen again.
I hacked into all of his social media, emails , phone and I NEVER phone ANYTHING not a dam thing that would indicate that he was cheating on me but he was such a good liar i dont know if he might have had another phone just to cheat ..
any ways time went on he still didnt pay me back from that flight and he was lying about all sorts of stuff, about his job and the moves he was making there etc. we would argue bc he was very anti-social and was a functioning alcoholic, he also never talked about his daughter and taht worried me , he said his ex wife remarried and her new husband and him didnt get along.
He never pretended to like the same things I liked but would be more than willing to do anything I wanted to do .. and was willing to go to church with me and wait until marriage never really pressured me to have sex with him except for one night when I drank too much he talked me into it and after it was over I kinda passed out and he continued , this disturbed me but he assured me he did it bc he loved me , i was crying adn all he was doing was thinking about how happy he was that he accomplished that with me. ..
Anyways, the relationship went on and when he drank he was mean , accused me of cheating or just talked really bad to me, we only saw each other once a week but who knows what it would have been like if we saw each other everyday. He also was lazy , he would go to work but if they did not call him to work he wouldnt go and he would always have an excuse as to why he wasnt going. I found out that to be so weird espcially bc he purchased a new car while we were together and he said he got the car bc it looked like mine (weird)
We had many ups and downs but he was always there for me making me feel like i was his queen , like i was so smart and better than him (this is why I am so confused)
The reason why I think he’s a sociopath is because (besides what I already mentioned) An aunt of his that I also knew since my childhood unexpectedly passed away as she was vacationing back in our home town , we took the 1st flight over there when she passed and it seemed like he did not care, made jokes the whole plane ride there and then did not bother to go to her viewing , he even got mad at me bc of something silly and locked himself in his room and did not care to be at the funeral until I went to go get him . he did not cry and was just worried about drinking. this was a woman who basically raised him, i can tell when someone is sad and does not know how to express it , he was cold and had no pain in his eyes .
Also he used to tell everyone ANYONE that would listen how much he loved me how I am the love of his life and would go into great detail about how his love for me is ever lasting, he would bring anyone who would listen into tears , EVERYONE believed him.
In the summer he got locked up for unpaid childsupport , he told me he had been paying and that he doesnt understand how this happened and was “crying” I told him I couldnt help him but he told me that he had the money he just couldnt get to it, it was alot of money and I bailed him out. Shortly after we were to go on vacation to our home country for my birthday and he would make so many excuses not to see me before we left , saying his back hurt and other things like that but I knew it was because he did not have the $$ he promised me.
so we went to the vacation to my home country , he showered me with gifts and because he grew up there and I didnt he made it a point to show me around and show me a good time , but he started drinking while he was there and just acting like he did not care any more .. he told me he wanted to stay there a week longer than planned and we argued. My sister then told me that the birthday dinner that he started to plan for me was all a lie , he told my parents that he had put a deposit down but the restaurant owner told my parents it was a lie and that he that he actually asked him to sneak the deposit money into the total of the bill. I was shocked !
So he ended up staying there like he wanted but he did not come back when he promised me to pay me back what he owed me , its been 4 months and he is sitll there, at first i was devisted I cried to him every single day and he would just tell me to calm down that he was going to fix everythign when he came back adn that i was never going to leave him and i cried i couldnt understand why he was doing this to me , his mother assured me he did not have another woman and he was just home every day drinking , our mutual family members said the same , so I thought to myself ‘he really wants to be this lazy and not come back and pay me back?!” .. after a month of crying , suffering , not understanding why he suddenly changed why I was no longer his queen i gave up, nothing I did mattered to him any more , even threats to break up. So I blocked him , it hurt like hell, i felt like I couldnt breath i cried everyday , and he made no efforts to reach out to me .. after a month of having him blocked I got a call from child services , he now owned close to $3000 in child support i was disgusted , I unblocked him and sent him a message ending it for good and telling him that he need to pay his child support because he is in another country and there is now ANOTHER warrant for his arrest, he did not respond so I blocked him again ..
a day later , he delets my photos from is social media page and replaces it with a new girl .. A DAY LATER , obviously this was someone he already was talking to , couldnt have been for too long since he was only in the country for 2 months at this point and he was already replacing my photos with hers , the pain was unbearable , the confusion the fog i was in , the thoughts of what I thought we had , of how he loved me , of how he said he NEVER loved anyone like me , how he NEVER posted a photo of a significant other until he met me , i wanted to throw up i had tears rolling down my face constantly it was terribly , it still kind of is terrible.
and he is still over there with this new woman that now he moved into this parents house back in out home town , still no job over there , still owning my the money he owns me and now basically living with a new woman who is only in her early 20s.
He reached out to me via social media right before he changed the photos but it looked like he accidentally did that (but he prob did it on purpose) , he also facetimed me on a Saturday morning which I also found to be weird. Other than that no contact at all , he does not care that we have over 200 people as mutual friends on social media, he does not care that my parents could also see how he easily replaced me after we opened up our homes and our hearts to him and he does not care that i gave him all of my savigns.. he has no remorse no empathy to my pain and tears.
Not sure if this is your typical sociopath but I have nothing else to explain his behavior with .. please help
am devastated. I was in a relationship with a man for 8 months. It moved very quickly (red flag) he talked of marriage,etc. He sold his house and moved in with me ( he has money and was building a new house) but the tension was horrible. His last girlfriend killed herself with alcohol and drugs. He was a retired firefighter and a hero, definitely a rescuer. He was wonderful at first but had an edge to him (boston) he had a short fuse but I attributed it to a Boston/firefighter thing. Anyhow, he slowly let me know he didn;t like my best friend, then my son, and then my daughter who lived with me. He created lots of tension.
He also provided me with “the Dream” though. We had incredible chemistry and he made me feel like I was the most amazing woman in the world! Then he slowly began to subtly accuse me of men being interested in me…not cheating but close. He also talked about if I wanted a “hall” pass??? To which I said no.
We had our ups and downs and he would give me the silent treatment but I thought we could work it out…we always did ( I would usually beg) Then, one day we had a big fight and it is over! He used to basically spend all of his time with me but less and less. I discovered he was supporting some woman who was escaping an abusive relationship and he was going to rent an apartment for her until his house was built!!! I had no idea she existed.
I was blindsided! due to some past comments I told his friend I was thinking of getting a restraining order ( he told the ex) and advised him never to contact me again. I decided not to do it because I realize he will leave me alone and I wanted to make sure my motives were not out of spite. Initially I was afraid but then realized he would not. He is afraid he will lose contact with his daughter if i do.
I have emailed him 4 times for closure and now I look like the crazy one! It is horrible. I contacted his ex-wife and she said she wanted to warn me and past girfirends but did not want to appear to be the crazy ex. She said RUN DON’T WALK.
I am devastated! Even though i know it is for the best i just am sad, numb, obsessed, sad that he will give every good thing he had to her! Why I was not god enough! I know I did question him a lot towards the end, he said “I got out of line.”
Crazy thing is, I think he would have kept me on the side for sex without telling me! Thankfully a friend of his finally told me!
It has been 6 days since I found out! I want this pain to end
am devastated. I was in a relationship with a man for 8 months. It moved very quickly (red flag) he talked of marriage,etc. He sold his house and moved in with me ( he has money and was building a new house) but the tension was horrible. His last girlfriend killed herself with alcohol and drugs. He was a retired firefighter and a hero, definitely a rescuer. He was wonderful at first but had an edge to him (boston) he had a short fuse but I attributed it to a Boston/firefighter thing. Anyhow, he slowly let me know he didn;t like my best friend, then my son, and then my daughter who lived with me. He created lots of tension.
He also provided me with “the Dream” though. We had incredible chemistry and he made me feel like I was the most amazing woman in the world! Then he slowly began to subtly accuse me of men being interested in me…not cheating but close. He also talked about if I wanted a “hall” pass??? To which I said no.
We had our ups and downs and he would give me the silent treatment but I thought we could work it out…we always did ( I would usually beg) Then, one day we had a big fight and it is over! He used to basically spend all of his time with me but less and less. I discovered he was supporting some woman who was escaping an abusive relationship and he was going to rent an apartment for her until his house was built!!! I had no idea she existed.
I was blindsided! due to some past comments I told his friend I was thinking of getting a restraining order ( he told the ex) and advised him never to contact me again. I decided not to do it because I realize he will leave me alone and I wanted to make sure my motives were not out of spite. Initially I was afraid but then realized he would not. He is afraid he will lose contact with his daughter if i do.
I have emailed him 4 times for closure and now I look like the crazy one! It is horrible. I contacted his ex-wife and she said she wanted to warn me and past girfirends but did not want to appear to be the crazy ex. She said RUN DON’T WALK.
I am devastated! Even though i know it is for the best i just am sad, numb, obsessed, sad that he will give every good thing he had to her! Why I was not god enough! I know I did question him a lot towards the end, he said “I got out of line.”
Crazy thing is, I think he would have kept me on the side for sex without telling me! Thankfully a friend of his finally told me!
I am a strong judge of character. My aunt told me as a child I was very observant. I met this guy after my divorce. Nothing special about him, he just seemed attractive to me. I actually asked him out. But after two months I knew something wasn’t quite right. My friends and family just thought I was still in love with my ex-husband. My gut told me immediately. I compare sociopath behavior similar to racism. It’s done so precisely that if you tell someone, they think you are being picky. I think that was the hardest for me because I would try to tell close friends and even my doctor and they laugh. I have been away from mine for about two full years now. All I want to say is you do get stronger. I no longer crave for this man. When I look back now, the sex wasn’t even that good. My situation was different in such he never really abused me. My sign is Leo and I mean I am a true Leo. If I feel like you are threatening me or my kids, I lash out. I had all of the symptoms. After leaving I felt like I was in a fog. I felt like I was always in a pool of water that was right up to my chin and ears and I was struggling to stay a float. I must admit though, I feel so sorry for this man. I could not imagine leaving the way that he does and I really feel that he had a horrible horrible childhood and mine was fantastic….I am a 60s child my family had ups and downs…but we were a family. My parents made Christmas where me and my sister could smell Santa on Christmas morning. I look at my life as a blessing. Because of my situation I do now have difficulty trusting and I place people on the spectrum. I know that we are all on that spectrum….but not like this poor monsters. There is one thing that I wish….there was a public service announcement. I mean I was love bombed in the beginning….he had boyish ways, I felt like he was attracted to men….the list goes on and on. I did everything after my reading that you are not. I told him his life didn’t correlate….I didn’t know who he was….I went through the hovering where he returned every card I had ever given him. I would ask him about calendar dates that things were supposed to be scheduled and he would tell me that he already told me and I have the memory of an elephant. Oh….I work with kids with personality disorders and my daughter does too….but she considers me an expert with SPath behavior….LOL I am thinking about returning to school because of my experience….I am definitely going to write a book about it. Oh….they say sociopaths blurt out little things about their past, each time the person was with did this….and he would say it about someone else….in my mind….I was thinking it was really about him….I never really trusted him…but I have learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life and I have compassion for him….but he can never ever come back…..I will never ever talk to him again….I cried more tears over this man than I have in my entire lifetime.
So my story is probably a little more fortunate as i held my emotions back for the duration of the short relationship. I met this guy who at first seemed to be a decent bloke. Our first few dates were brilliant. We had awesome intellectual conversations, great laughs and even took things slow physically, but something felt off…
I remember my friends and family thought I was being pessimistic and paranoid when I’d express my doubts because on the surface things were going well. He was being calm, respectful and setting me up for a supposedly stable relationship.
But as things progressed the signs became clearer with each date. He was progressively more full of himself and jokingly stated he enjoyed making people feel uncomfortable. He once unsuccessfully tried pressuring me into things in the bedroom then denied ever doing so afterward. He would also gaslight any offensive comments he would make against homosexuals and black people. He even subtlely tried to undermine my career. all these red flags were only 10% of what he said, the rest was adoration, flattery and small talk. I was still being love bombed, I guess. The final straw was when he came up with an elaborate story about hunting baby animals and then laughed it off as a casual lie to simply test my emotional reaction to it. Much to his disappointment, I work in healthcare and I’m more than aware of the DSM criteria for antisocial personality disorder. So 3 weeks in, I dumped his sorry ass, which came as a bit of a shock to his system. Looking back there were more signs even from date one that I probably ignored courtesy of infatuation. It feels strange being a near victim to something Ive seen from an academic perspective. After I realised his true nature, I felt anger at almost being cheated into a toxic relationship and horror at all the poor women he tortured in the past. Now I mainly just feel relieved I escaped before it was too late. My advice, trust your gut and know the signs of a sociopath. Nobody deserves to be a victim of their awful ways.
Hello. I just found this website and I was so weirdly happy to find out about other stories similar to mine. My heart really goes out to all people who suffered and are suffering from awful treatment, but I am also glad to know that I am not alone. I really thought I was crazy and things were seriously wrong with me.
My husband left me 4 months ago without any warning.
We were married for 5 years. When I met my husband we were both going through breakups. I left my ex and he was dumped in a cruel way (as he told me). Everything escalated really fast, he told me how he really liked me in few weeks time after we got together. He was so magic that I thought he is the best person in the world. I lived in France doing my degree then and he came to visit for a long weekend, but everything was so crazy and passionate he stayed for a month. We talked a lot, he was terribly depressed after his breakup and I was trying hard to get him out of his mood. Then we were both flying UK-France to see each other, I left my uni to join him in London. We got married a year later. We just wanted be together, I told him I wanted a family and children, it was my biggest dream and he told me he wanted the same. He promised to start family with me after our honeymoon of 4 months around South America – this way his biggest dream and I agreed to that. After we came back from the honey moon, he postponed making family for a few months and when the time came, he told me he did not want it at all and that he’ll never have children. I was broken to pieces but after thinking long and hard I decided that I loved him so much that I’d do anything to be with him. After some time we moved to Mexico for his work, I was very excited a first, but he became really stressed and irritated, he would work really long hours and in the evening would snap at me for any small reason, I thought it was the pressure at work. Eventually it got so bad that I told him I wanted to go back to London, I left in a hurry due to some important issue he agreed to give his notice at work and follow me after one week. He never came in a week. He told me it would really ruin his reputation at work if he’d leave so soon. I became desperate and he became really cruel and short tempered with me on the phone and slowly drifted from me. One day he said he needed few days off (no contact at all), so he can think clearly and make a decision if he wanted to be with me. Then he came over at Christmas, he needed to be present at an interview with me, so he came over. One night I do not know why, I picked up his work phone and checked his messenger. He was chatting to some woman from Mexico saying that he loved her and that how much he wanted to be with her in Mexico and not with me in the UK, there was so much going on between them. I confronted him immediately, he deleted the whole thing off his phone in front of me, he cried like a child and said that he acted like a scumbag and he did not know how to explain his actions. He begged me to forgive him and said there was nothing physical between him and that woman. I believed him almost immediately. He came back to the UK shortly and we carried on normal life.
Then in February this year he told me again he needed time off to think as he was not sure if he wanted to be with me, I agreed and asked him to make his final decision as I could not take the pain anymore. He came back saying he really loved me and could not imagine his life without me. However, one day in July I came back from work (he did not work for 9 months then as he was too stressed and needed a break, he really hated working – out of 5 years we were married he worked only 2, I only realise that now!) the flat was half empty with all his stuff gone, he’d left me a short note saying that our relationship did not feel right for him anymore. It was a total shock to me as everything was fine and we did not argue or fight, the night before he left he said he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives. I fell into pieces. He called few days later and we both cried a lot, he said he thought he was stopping me from achieving my dreams, he said he felt tremendously guilty for promising me family and then changing his mind, that leaving me was the biggest mistake he’d ever made, he begged me to forgive him and that I did not deserve all this pain and that from now on he’ll do anything to make me happy and that he wanted a family with me. I really believed him… again. We agreed to go travelling for two weeks, he left a bit earlier to surf and we met a week later. After two day spent together he told me it was all a big mistake and that he did not want me after all. That really broke me as a person, I could not believe what was happening, I was desperately trying to talk and figure out what did I do wrong. I called him, I wrote emails, I texted. He never replied to any of my emails and was really quite over the phone. When I asked what did I do wrong, he’d say that we are just too different and that I did not make many friends or life of my own in London, that I did not want to stay out late with him drinking with some mates. It was an agony I felt like a horrible person and failure as a wife. However then I managed to get access to his WhatsApp messages and I found out that he is in love with another woman, who he met while waiting for me while surfing. He told her exactly same things word-to-word that he told me when we just met. Even that he wants a family and children with her… it was unbelievable!
I found out that the person I adored and was married to for years turned into an awful person I could not recognise… He was talking horribly to some of his new surfing friends about women in general, that they are there just to be ‘put through the mattress’ (this was shocking as he was always so respectful of everyone). The strangest thing for me was that with different people he was a completely different person, to our mutual friends he told how sad he was that we split up and to his new travelling friends he told how incredibly happy he was to break up with me. To his new ‘love’ he said that it will take me ages to get over him. It looks like for every person there is a different guy, It was so odd.
After I learnt all this I was so disturbed I thought I must be so insane, or how else could he be so broken. I could not grasp the idea how the most amazing person I have ever met in my life my best friend could say and do these things.
My sister helped me through massively in this, she repeatedly told me that there is nothing wrong with me that he is a jerk. She could not understand why I have not left him ages ago. Funny enough some of our mutual friends after hearing my story told me some things about him that I would never expect to hear, after all I was the only person who thought that he was an angel from the sky. Looking back I do realise that every decision we took was ruled by him, what was best for him, but I was happy to do that because I thought it would make him very happy.
The pain was (and is still sometimes) unbearable. I turned to the internet I bought a book, Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark, on the forum of her website I learnt about narcissists and sociopaths and was shocked of the details and the description of those characters. However I am a bit worried, what if I am the one who is a sociopath or something like that and that’s the reason why he ran away? He told me he could not do his own things because he felt guilty if I was at home waiting for him. I was the one so obsessed about him, stalking him (although I really thought he was deeply depressed) and was trying so hard to talk to him and get him back! I broke into his whatsapp… I think about him every day and miss him. We spent all our free time together and we were truly best friends, all I ever wanted was him. I also really want to hurt him now so I am planning to apply for assets split through a court during our divorce as I know that this will be the most awful thing for him – to lose any of his money – it will kill him. I have very little friends and prefer to be on my own most of the time normally. I can get really short tempered sometimes, but if I do I always apologise after I cool down. However I really care about people and I’d never hurt anyone deliberately. I am very emotional person, could I be a sociopath or something similar?
I’ve just recently finally come to the conclusion that my boyfriend of 2+ years is most likely a sociopath and I’d like to share my story and ask for some advice.
It will probably be hard to keep this short but it should be a rather interesting (yet unfortunately true) story:
My boyfriend is 15 years older than me. I am 27. I am German, he is African American. We met in the US where we both worked together, which is where we met. Before I really knew him he already came across as the super funny guy at work who made everybody love and was messing around a lot. I loved when he made me laugh. I was not interested in him romantically. Eventually he started to show interest in me and started asking me questions about myself, what I like to eat and he asked me out.
I caved in eventually when he said “he wasn’t looking for anything either” and he took me out for lunch and because I had such a wonderful time and laughed more than in a long time I agreed to go out with him again. And after he took me to church he took me shopping and bought me a dress and a sweater saying that he doesn’t expect anything from this but he enjoys Doing something nice for me. That day he also told me “gosh you’re so pretty”
He didn’t push anything other than spending more time.
The following day already we decided to have a movie night and it was the first time we had Sex. He was extremely open to me and exposed himself and told me stories. I was at his place almost every night that week. In the beginning it was still only fun for me and my feeling told me that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with this guy. Yet, he made me feel so good and loved and pretty that I just couldn’t stay away from him and eventually I agreed to be his girlfriend. Apart from my doubts about age difference and him already having almost adult kids I was so in love and almost couldn’t believe that he existed. He even convinced me he would go vegan, which was very important for me. He used that again and again to be more attractive to me. He showered me with love and promised to do all the things my exes didn’t do right much better, because he is a “real man” and knows how to treat a woman and how to keep a relationship alive. “Happy wife, happy life.” “You need to keep dating her.” “But these young dudes all don’t know that and the girl ends up bored and unhappy”.
He was talking to my soul. That was exactly what I didn’t like about my previous relationships. He just knew so well how to handle me.
He convinced my parents that he is a great guy in just once short Skype call.
The first thing that was sort of off was a text I got from him later one night saying “come to the door”. I thought he surprised me and opened my front door but nobody was there. So I sent “???” And he told me that it was the name of a song he had to learn for his band.
Strange enough but I let it slide.
After 3 months of dating my parents agreed to pay him a ticket to come to Germany with me, after Christmas. We had the most amazing time. He met all my family and most of my friends. When we got back in January things started to go off more. We started to fight and he started to almost attack me verbally. “You have to grow up. You’re very immature.” One time, while celebrating Valentine’s Day, in the car, the argument we had made him so mad as to tell me he was going to just drive me home now or have me get out of the car and that he’s done that with other women before. He told me somebody older or different would have more things in common with him and it would be easier. So I angrily told him to go find himself somebody older then and he got even more mad.
From then things went up and down.
He also was still texting with his ex, which he always said he wants to be friends with his exes, because they had an important part in his life and he still likes her. But something was weird and we he got mad at me for stupid little things.
So one day I decided to snoop in his emails (which I am not proud about). I found emails from his ex wanting him back, but also I found out about her being still upset about this lady (let’s call her Samantha)
I only found one email from Samantha and it said something about a realtor sending them places.
I felt guilty and forgot about it, for a while.
There’s so much to tell, I hope I’m not boring you.
Sometimes he borrowed his uncles car, a nicer car than his. He told me he had this job driving people of a company and for that he used his uncles car. One time he was driving that same car and he had told me it was a clients car (that was in the very beginning), after that he always said it was his uncles.
One time I saw Samantha called his phone and I recognized her name and asked him and he shook me off and said “uh, just work people.”
Later I saw a pic of them in his phone closely together. So he said it was some work event. He always had an explanation but even though I wanted to believe him I had this nagging feeling and when I couldn’t stop that I eventually told him that I had snooped in his emails and wanted to know who Samantha really was. He really just told me the same thing again and then got really mad at me for what I did and saying he doesn’t know what’s next. We took a walk and then he told me to go home. He barely talked to me for two weeks and I was extremely sorry and showed him that and told him so many times. Then we started seeing each other again but then he told me we couldn’t be boyfriend and girlfriend right now until I get my visa (which I was in the process of applying for, since I’m not American) I was extremely hurt and driving home crying I had a car accident that day. (Luckily nothing serious).
He said he was gonna be there for me when I need to talk but we weren’t officially together… Fast forward a few months and I still didn’t have my visa. Things always went up and down, but somehow we were together again and he spoiled me for my birthday with lots of expensive gifts.
One day he said he had to get the car from his uncle for this event he had to go to, so I said I was gonna come and he immediately said “no!”
I asked why and he said that I had to stay home because I was sick. It took him a few hours to come back home to his apartment where I was waiting. While I was there I was googling Samantha’s name and found out that she bought the same car model and the Vpn number showed. So when he was asleep I went to the garage and checked the number on the car and it matched.
So it was her car all along.
I was so confused, sitting on the bed and when he woke up I hesitantly told him what I had found out. He made up some super weird excuses of why he told me it was his uncles car and said he was so sorry.
The next day he got mad at me for not being able to say what was wrong with me right away because I was scared to confront him and then he got mad because I said I was a good detective and he better not lie to me. He told me if I wanted to play detective I can just leave and then he had me pay for his fancy dinner for the stress that I caused HIM. Hahaha
One time he went on tour and my mom was visiting me and we agreed me and her can stay at his place while he was gone. We cleaned the place a few days earlier and I cleaned the light switches the wrong way so they would turn on and off. I was tired from a long day of work. He told me to do it different and I accidentally did it wrong again. He freaked out on me and then commanded me not to touch anything else that day. So I just walked out to get some fresh air. When I came back all my things (ALL my things) that I had at his place were thrown on the balcony (including frozen food and tooth brush) and he had locked me out for just walking out on him. He told me to go to my car and wait or just go home. I felt like a dog!!
Of course a day later after crying to my girlfriend about it HE told ME to apologize to him, which I did….
While he was on tour I saw a picture of the band and suddenly noticed that Samantha was in the picture too!!! I was so alarmed and panicked. I called him and he explained to me that she was driving with them because she had business to do wherever they were going and who wouldn’t want a free ride. He also told
Me he didn’t know about her coming. The thing is the tour was across the US. So flying would’ve ended up much cheaper than traveling for days and finding hotel accommodation for her!!!?? But I wanted to believe him.
Sometimes he would hide my razor somewhere super weird. One time there was a hair tie that wasn’t mine, he said it came out of the car. Sometimes there was hair and to this day there is hair that doesn’t belong to me and he now laughs about me seeing things… Initially he had three different excuses about the hair, all of which were, well, excuses. That year we decided to go home to Germany for Christmas together, since the year before we weren’t together for the actually holidays. Shortly after booking our tickets he told me he had a gig now and he can’t come.
So then this year is when shit really started hitting the fan.
My gut feeling made me feel so awful that I asked God for a sign to tell me if I should be with him or not. I had a dream that next morning of him and her In bed together. When we went to a grocery store I looked over his shoulder and saw something that looked like a heart from her in a text. I felt unease the entire day.
When I got out of the shower earlier than him I wanted to relieve myself by checking his texts to see that I’m wrong.
But I wasn’t. There were hearts and kisses and they called each other babe. I started hyperventilating and as he came out to see what was wrong I slapped him on his right cheek. Once. He said American people call each other babe and I would know that if I watched football. Then he called the cops. Then he went outside and I followed him. Then he asked me if I really thought he actually called the cops. I was stupid enough to wait around and sure enough they came. And me being honest telling what I did. They asked him and he clearly stated he wanted me arrested and that we now broke up. I spent two nights in a call with prostitues, crying, not being able to sleep or eat. I guess I had my answer as to “give me a sign God”
He was extremely disrespectful to my parents when they called him about my whereabouts as they haven’t heard from me.. They hated him after and so did I. I refused to talk to him when he called me when I got out. Saying he was so sorry and he wanted to talk and that he tried to get me back out… But they didn’t let him.
I wanted him to be able to make everything good but I didn’t see a way. I was convinced he cheated.
He forced me to meet to “get closure”. He kept my things that he gave me for my birthday (iPad, which he searched and then deleted everything…) he said I would only get them back if I met with him one last time. He also said he wanted to get a restraining order against me. I met with him. And then he cried. And said how sorry he was and that he wanted to surprise me with moving me in to his new place and that from now on I could get the password for his phone and everything and that I could meet the people he worked with, I.e. Samantha…. I cried too but I couldn’t fall for it, so I left him behind in tears, while crying so hard myself.
I blocked him and started to feel better.
Until one day I unblocked him because of a law office date because of my case and he contacted me and said he had to tell me something.
So he told me the whole thing was he was doing illegal business with that woman Samantha and that’s why he was so secretive and why he couldn’t tell me anything. He never told that anybody he said and he convinced me he never cheated on me and that he’s so glad the whole truth is finally out. We talked the whole night on the phone for at least 8 hours and then I agreed to meet with him again and of course I got sucked back in.
He said he was gonna do everything better. Blablabla.
You know how the story goes. It’s been almost a year since that incident and things are worse than ever.
There’s still hair in his bathroom. Once time I found panty liners in his trash (which I saw from the outside of the bag)
He said he didn’t know what it was and that it was trash from another car he borrowed from his uncle… Because he doesn’t have a car. He’s actually driving mine now. His got taken away again after driving without a license again….
Anyway, he told me I’m crazy for sniffling in his trash…
I also found a receipt from a clothing store one time with her name on it. And it also had the two new shirts on it that he showed me he got. It was all on one receipt under her name.
He told me they just had some time to kill and went shopping and got really mad at me when I told him I didn’t feel ok with that.
He always tells me I have trust issues, that if I can’t trust him I just need to leave. He tells me that if this relationship will fail it’s because of me. He always says how age is just a number and talks about our future and kids and and… And then he says we’re too different and he doesn’t even want any more kids and I should just find some young vegan guy, he doesn’t even want to go vegan, and I don’t even like the things he likes… He gets mad when I’m emotional during my period. He tells me to go home then. He tells me I’m a cry baby when I cry or when I’m emotional. He rarely comforts me. He always says how everybody thinks he’s so great. His closet his crazy amazing and organized and he has tons of expensive shoes and cologne to always make a good expression. Yet he has no furniture other than an air mattress and some chairs.
He tells me that no other guy would be able to handle me and that I would be lost without him and that I need him.
Of course I still wasn’t allowed to move in with him and I never got to meet any work people and I also didn’t get his phone password.
He told me stories about his exes and what he did to them and how he justifies it. That he cheated on one of them for a year. That he had them get out of the car. That he threw out his wedding ring of the car before because he was angry….
Gosh why am I with this person.
Anyway, to sum this all up. I still don’t have my visa. It’s been a long process and the paper work just got approved. I’m in Germany. He’s in the us. My lawyer sent the papers to him to send it to me. He made sure he would get them. He said I wouldn’t see him if I had them send it to somebody else. He said he wanted a new fragrance for sending me the package oversees. I asked him to do it immediately.
He kept saying it wasn’t there yet and I should just be patient and not ask if they had sent it already. It’s probably because of the holiday chaos. Two days ago he finally “got it” and sent it to me. I asked my lawyer for the tracking number because the thing felt odd and the tracking shows that it had already gotten there 10 days earlier than what he claimed. He also said he was checking every day in front of his door and by the mailbox…
He must not want me there for Christmas… I’m just floored. I know now I want to break up with him. Or have him break up with me. But he still owes me money. And he has my car. And I’m afraid he will be angry and make any false accusations to any officials who might refuse my entry into the country again.
I don’t know how to do this and I’d appreciate help and advice if you have any.
I by far haven’t said everything there is to tell, and I actually wanted to ask for advice whether you think I’m dealing with a sociopath here, but writing this it became even more obvious to me.
I’d appreciate all feedback.
Thank you for reading if you got this far!!
Much much love!
Good Morning,
I am so thankful that I stumbled upon this site. I thought that I was going through this alone. My ex has left me totally devastated so I think sharing my experience with help.
We were together for 1 1/2 years, we were practically inseparable, I had many of my things at his home and we had found a place to move into and start planning our lives together. Then one night I went to his home to wait for him for our date and it all came unravelled. The phone rang and it was his ex (we had discussed her in the past and he said that she had cheated on him with his old college friend that had eventually married him) when she called I was on my cell with him. He pretended to be shocked that she was calling and told me to answer. She asked who I was and I told her that I was his girlfriend. She told me that she was his girlfriend of 5 years. He could hear her and started yelling that she was a liar and told me to conference her in. I did and he yelled at her that she was lying and that I was his girlfriend. She asked if I spent time with his daughter and his mother and he said of course she’s my girlfriend and continued to call her crazy. Of course she was not…here’s how the night went.
– While on the phone she drove to his house, I opened the door and she holds up her cellphone showing me text messages that he’d sent to her just a few hours ago.
– She told me to look on the kitchen table where I would find her daughter’s clock that he was repairing for her…it was there.
– He’s sent her the same text messages that he was sending me about relocating to Denmark.
– He finally arrives home, continues to call her crazy and asked her to leave. I later found out from her that he had threatened to kill her if she came to his house to confront me.
– She goes to her car but doesn’t leave, he calls the police, she continues to knock and ring the bell but finally leaves before the police arrive.
– He and I talk and he convinces me that since he sent her away and I was the one with the key and the one that he was moving with that I was obviously his girlfriend and she just could not accept it.
– He claimed that the clock belonged to his daughter and that the only reason that she knew it was there is because he was on the phone with her and mentioned that he was working on it. (Mind you he said that they were no longer friendly)
– His story didn’t add up and I later noticed that he had blocked three phone numbers on my cell via the online account. I called them and they belonged to her, we agreed to meet.
– The man that he had claimed that she was married to was completely made up. My ex would tell me stories about his college days with this guy, yet he didn’t even exists.
– The rental property that he claimed he owned actually belonged to her.
– He’d tell me stories of his cousin and her ex boyfriend, these stories were actually about this other girlfriend.
– After she left that night he sent her an email saying that he had saved her life by sending her away because I was a government agent who probably would have killed her if she’d gotten too close.
– He also claimed to be working for the government as he was indebted to them for investigating his father’s death.
-He continued to assure me that I was who he loved, eventually admitting to not breaking things off with his ex. The longer I stayed the more lies I uncovered, this went on for a month until I could no longer take it. I am now relying on prayer and therapy to get over this sociopath. I feel so violated and just numb over the entire experience. I spent so much time with his family and they all knew about this other woman. I feel like a complete fool, but in hindsight after reading these posts the warning signs were there.
1. He would go MIA from time to time but claimed that he had copper toxicity and that he would black out from time to time unaware of where he’d been or what he’d done.
2. Whenever he would act suspiciously and I would question him about it he would start yelling and swearing at me to totally divert the attention away from the issue at hand.
3. He always told stories about how tough and dangerous he was even though he was quite slight.
4. I’d receive text messages from his daughter that I was sure were coming from him as a cover for something that he was doing.
5. Although he made 6 figures he always seemed to have financial issues, accounts being frozen, lost ATM cards…this happened once every two to three months.
6. Last minute business trips where I’d only receive text messages but rarely talk to him. I later found out that on at least one occasion he was with this other woman. She also confirmed that the dates that he told her he was out of time, he was in fact with me. He’d post photos of us all over FB which made me feel secure in our relationship, everyone know we were together (she didn’t have an account).
I am struggling to get over this ordeal but it is really fresh. I hate that a part of me still loves him but when those feelings creep up I have to remind myself that I have no idea who this man really is. It’s tough but hopefully this forum will help, hopefully my story will help someone as well.
This has got to be the hardest thing that’s happened to me and to get over. I want so desperately to just be happy but I still love this man very much!! Every other week I’m determined to completely move on, but he’s so charming and know just what to do to pull me back end. I haven’t experienced a lot of what you all have ( no aggression, no violence) but plenty of lies, deceit and out of the blue ignoring which can go on for weeks. It’s hard for me to turn my back on someone that I love. Once I love you I love with all my heart.
You have to walk away and do no contact to fully heal and recover Cindy. You really have to do this, or the circle will go round and round. It will never end as they can continue forever, playing the game.
If you want to move on from him, you need to break free.
Is there anything regarding helping kids/teens with a parent who is a sociopath? I am struggling right now with my kids with my ex who is a sociopath. They know he is a pathological liar, he is emotionally unavailable, yet they really aren’t ready to accept the sociopath issue. When things get bad, I point them to websites regarding behavior and boundaries, etc. but they think I’m overreacting. Most recently their dad took over $2000 in Christmas money from his mother which he was to distribute to his kids…he kept it and said he threw it away because he hates his mom and no one understands what his parents did him….you know the drill. The kids and new wife fell for it or just don’t want to deal with it. Anyway, I’m trying the no contact deal, but having to watch my kids go through the torture and mind games. We were married 12 years and divorced 10. We have kids 18 and 15 now. He does a lot of emotional damage. I want to know how to help and equip them. Thanks!
In my case I don’t speak anything about her father (good or bad). He left me (the second time ), three years ago. My girl, then 12, ask me to not let go him on our lives again. She asked about what is happening to him, I gave her this site link and explained to her what is a sociopath. He practically is an absent figure on her life, she banned him from her facebook and on the rare instances they have contact she put limits. Thank God she is resilient, healthy and strong. Her half sisters and brothers have helped her a lot to deal with everything. I’m not judgmental when she tries to reach for him or in the rare ocasions she expect something for him.
I dated a man who I believe was either a sociopath or a drug addict (or both). We had dated briefly a couple of years ago, but that ended when he simply stopped returning calls. He caught up with me last year and while I was cautious because of how he disrespected me in the past, I agreed to meet him just to “hang out”. He looked hurt, broken, kind of a mess. I wanted to be his friend. And I was of course immediately drawn in by his sense of humor, how much we had in common, etc. “Hanging out” once a week became every three days, which became pretty much every day. when we weren’t hanging out, he was texting me me all night. I loved the conversations. I felt myself getting attached, and I tried to pull away from him. That was when he told me that he really wanted to be with me. I was awesome. He thought we were really good together. Blah blah. I ate it all up.
Within two months of us being together, he took me to his home country to spend time with him and his family, It all seemed fast, but I felt like this is what I always wanted! No complaints. We were attached at the hip. We made plans to move to Europe together. We never fought, never argued. Just joking and laughing all the time. I felt that we had the same sense of humor. He always seemed so easy going about everything.
He was practically living in my apartment after about 3 months. Still no complaints, no arguments. He had freedom to do whatever he wanted, but he still asked to stay with me every night. I never denied him.
The man dumped me over the phone right before Christmas. He stated that he had some personal issues to work out. He contacted me two weeks later because he missed talking to me, so I went to try to get closure. He told me that he couldn’t see a future with me… I was too complacent in life, I’d been stuck at the same (stable and high paying!!) job for too long. He criticized me for trying to teach myself his native language (which was what I did with the 15 min of “me time” that I was trying to give myself every day) . He looked happier than ever, and I was crushed.
I have always felt a bit isolated, but this guy seemed like the only person on the planet who was JUST LIKE ME so I ignored all the red flags. He left me feeling empty and hurt, wondering if I wasn’t good enough to keep my soulmate. I felt like he saw something in me that was so repulsive that it wasn’t even worth an attempt to work things out.
I don’t think a normal relationship would move so fast, feel so ecstatic, then end so abruptly without him even giving me a chance to defend myself.
The offer of friendship still stands, but something doesn’t feel right I don’t think I should get in touch with him.
Thank you for this site and sorry this is so long. This 8 month relationship has taken up way too much of my mental energy. I met my sociopath last spring. We had that instant connection and intense sex basically on our first meeting (we’d met once for 45 minutes before he left for a business trip – he contacted me from the airport when he got back, and was at my place that afternoon). I had just split with husband and so of course was emotionally vulnerable. I’m living in a different country to mine and my sociopath was from almost the same place as me (we’re both from the Americas and living in the UK). We had other things in common, including travels to odd places and children who’d attended the same international school. I wanted fun and thought he was harmless – safe, cute, energetic, smart. But within the first weeks I sensed he was controlling because he’d want to see me when I wasn’t available and be indifferent when I was. I also sensed he was more into virtual sex than the real thing. He said he was divorced and wouldn’t tell me his name (!!) but I didn’t care because as I said, I just wanted some fun. He’s come over in the afternoons and always have to leave very quickly. Then he’d be MIA for awhile (traveled for business a lot, though that’s no excuse). I dumped him after the first month because of the control thing (he denied the virtual stuff) and because things didn’t seem to be progressing or ending. I don’t like limbo.
But a month later I contacted him and he came back that same day. We had a lovely time and things seemed okay. I then left the country for five months and figured out who he was while I was gone (lots of Googling but he’d given me the clues). I couldn’t detect any lies and he didn’t get upset that I knew who he was. He explained why he’d been secretive and it made sense (he also claimed to have a stalker and for that reason never gave out his phone number). He apologized for any angst he caused me. Once I had his name, I figured out where he worked. I know who his ex is, who is kids are, where he lives etc. I couldn’t find any obvious lies. His profession is what he said it was, his youngest still attends the school, he lives apart from his ex. He pursued me relentlessly once I was away. I never initiated contact during that period, and I have 750 emails.
The whole time (5 months) he kept me hooked via email (!!). It was stressful but I figured I’d see when I returned whether there was anything real. During this period, he kind of tricked me into virtual sex. The first time was fine – fun, even – but then he went MIA for the umpteenth time. He returned only to pick up where he’d left off, as if nothing happened. He’d never apologize and I’d never bring it up because we never discussed out relationship and weren’t “exclusive.”
For the next two months he was in pretty constant contact but began to get aggressive and focused on masturbating all the time. He had a business trip to where I was at the beginning of December. He spent a month making sure we’d meet up, all the while more and more focused on his cock. (The whole thing kind of fascinated me, I admit.) He began to get irritated when I mentioned condoms. He didn’t want to use them even though he’d given me no indication that he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and we’d been separated for four months. When the day came for us to meet he cancelled, after constant emails making sure I’d be available. I could tell he was lying about the reason but I didn’t say anything. He emailed a few days after that and I never answered.
When I returned a month later, he contacted me 3 hours after my plane landed. He made up a reason – he thought I was still in X place – just checking in etc. But in fact he knew exactly when I was returning almost to the hour because I’d told him two months previously. As we “chatted” I said I wanted to see him but was sick of email. He asked my availability and then said I probably wouldn’t want to see him. I asked why not and he told me that his ex wanted to reconcile. Obviously not divorced but rather separated (big lie). He also told me that he’d started an “emotional relationship” with someone else and that his life had “changed completely” over the past two months. I think he half expected me to continue but I made it clear that I was not interested (didn’t know what triangulation was at the time but now I know he has NPD). I wrote him a “closure” email – not angry, just explaining. He answered even though I told him not to. I then flew off the handle – told him he was controlling and that I felt sexually violated – that he’d cancelled our last meeting because he preferred virtual sex. He didn’t respond and that was it. I went No Contact. I basically “left” him but he also discarded me. This was only a few weeks ago.
About a week ago I was on a dating site and I received a message. I answered before I realized who it was. Of course it was him. What was he doing on a dating site if his life had changed so dramatically, I asked. He said “looking for you.” This after I’d basically ripped him a new onein our final communication! His initial message responded to the only part of my profile that was a veiled (kind of jokey) reference to him. It was the last thing on my profile so he’d obviously read it pretty carefully. I told him he was acting a bit psycho, that he had a million ways to get in touch with me. He responded that he was “kidding” about looking for me – that he’d written it quickly because he was at work. But he still messaged me for no reason. I didn’t respond to his last message and then deactivated my profile because he was stalking me. But HOW MANY TIMES have I not responded and he returns?
I just started dating someone else but I miss my psycho every second of every day and I have no idea why or why I am struggling so hard with NC. The relationship wasn’t that long, we didn’t see each other that much. I know it’s an addiction. I know he’s a narcissist. I know he lacks empathy. I know he’s controlling and manipulative. I know that he triangulates. I know he’s auto-erotic. I know all of these things because I’ve read a lot the past few weeks (I recommend Sam Vaknin to anyone interested in narcissism). But I STILL MISS HIM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY and somewhere in my head I think he absolutely must miss me, that he’ll realize he was wrong, and that he’ll come back – not as a stalker but as the authentic self I did catch glimpses of. What is wrong with me???
Valerie, my saga is almost identical to yours with the exception of the virtual sex thing ( mine preferred the real thing ). Nothing is wrong with you, were manipulated and tricked. I’ve asked myself 100s if times ” what is wrong with you”? I asked myself that as recent as yesterday. I also think of him EVERY DAY!!! We feel in love with the ” character “. Like your sociopath, the minute I stop contacting him and try to move on with my life he pops up and contacts me… I get this rush ( excitement) because he’s thinking of me, wants to see me!! My mind is clear that he’s horrible for me, that I must have no contact with him and move on with my life… but the heart!!! Aside from thinking about him everyday you seem to be doing ok. Keep no contact, just remember how he made you feel. I’m back to trying no contact since yesterday, I’m praying that I can stick to it this time!!
Cindyt, Thank you for your reply! I am doing pretty well. Finding it all pretty sad now, especially after the dating site bit – here is someone (him) who tells me after 8 months that he suddenly has two other women in his life. I bow out – not interested. Days later he’s on a dating site looking a bit worn and contacting me, the only one he was sleeping with. (I forgot to add in my story above that he made a point of telling me there was “no sex” with the ex or the one with whom he was having an “emotional relationship” – just lots of “drama and tears”). Obviously his life had not changed completely. He’s still looking for sex but doesn’t really want it, fears intimacy, and the combination of sex and intimacy is completely out of the question. Again it’s something he wants – just afraid to let it in. When I was away, I briefly went on the same dating site from another location and with a new profile during one of his MIAs. Not 24 hours later, he contacted me (over email). At the time, I thought it was just coincidence but that was before I’d figured all of this out. Now I think he’s keeping tabs on me all the time and everywhere. Part of him is really hurting, even if it is just a narcissistic injury. And he’s a lonely guy because he does not have an authentic connection with anyone. I once told him he seemed like two people to me – that he wore a mask. One person wanted to be loved and the other hated to be loved. All of the NPD signs were there but I had never encountered anyone like him before, and did not know what to make of it.
I found this on Quora (edited) and it describes exactly my feelings now. Maybe it will help you too: “most narcissists suffered some kind of abuse at the hands of one or both of their parents. Or even worse, they grew up in a household where maybe one caretaker abused them and the other one coddled them. Not happy but unable to look at themselves and make any kind of change. They are in hells of their own making; their rigidity trumps every thing else. Think about a caged, wild animal that is hungry: even if the caretaker who occasionally brings food sticks his hand into the cage to add more water to a bowl, the animal might lash out with a claw or bite the person. Narcissists and other PDs frequently, bite the very hands that feed them (e.g., the people who love them, etc.). It’s called abuse. Fundamentally, it’s about having grown up with a deep wound called Shame and being filled with self loathing because of it. People who hate themselves either ignore or abuse others. It’s about living in a place of fear and not love. It’s about being afraid to be loved and to love. It’s tragic in the deepest, darkest and most profound way. They don’t build anything with other people; they just use, ignore or abuse. They think that they can love but they don’t even know what love is.”
I hope you can stick to your no contact. I find it helpful to write draft emails. I have so many different ones – you asshole stop stalking me – it’s over; you’re an asshole but you’re MY asshole and I want you back; you asshole why did you ruin something that did not have to be so twisted? Etc. I’m sure you know the drill. But it’s best to think of the whole situation as tragic…
Hi Valerie…. yes, it’s tragic because they hurt us and do so much damage to us emotionally and psychologically. It’s 1:26 pm on a Saturday and I’m in bed feeling lonely, hurt and depressed. I can’t stop thinking about him, wanting him and just wanting the pain to stop!! I just want to completely put him and everything about him behind me!! It’s like being hooked on drugs or alcohol!! I haven’t heard from him since last Sunday ( I know it the best thing for me ) however I know he will pop up, I just don’t know when. He doesn’t want me, I’m something for him to do when he’s bored or just to keep me around. I really want to break from this unhealthy relationship with this guy who doesn’t care about me. I can’t get motivated to do anything positive for myself. I’m praying on it…. I’m glad that you seem to be doing ok.
Hi Cindyt, It IS an addiction. In fact, at one point I wrote to mine about this precise thing (an email I never sent). I thought he was addicted to internet porn (probably is because he travels 2-3 weeks out of the month and spends a lot of time by himself in hotel rooms all over the world), while I was addicted to his emails. I can’t speak to his side of things but he used to write at the crack of dawn because that’s when he got up for work. I began to wake to his emails, even though I couldn’t hear them arrive and even when he didn’t write. Months of early waking!!
I started to break my addiction by removing my email app from my phone and willing myself not to look at my email for two days or so at a time. It took a few weeks but I started sleeping more soundly. Of course then he’d come back and it would start all over again but I found that once I broke the addiction the first time, it was easier to see it for what it was and to understand that he had somehow rewired my brain. If you understand it as a chemical thing rather than as something abstract, like love, it’s easier to get a handle on it, at least for me. Behaviors can be just as addictive as substances.
No contact is exactly like staying away from whatever substance addicts you. It’s just staying away from a behavior rather than a substance. It does work. Your brain will heal. You just have to give it time. When mine contacted me on the online dating site – only 2 weeks ago or so – I left the conversation – left him hanging. Deactivated my account, did not write to him – just poof, disappeared. That’s what you have to do. Hardest thing in the world but it does get easier. If mine does come back, as long as I don’t engage I know I can beat this.
I also find it helpful to date other people. There are plenty of men out there. Go on a few dates. This is the kind of thing they tell you to do when you’re getting over a normal break up, but it does work even in cases of breaking with a personality disordered individual if you don’t succumb to your addiction.
Also, the tragic figure is him – not you. Think of what he is missing out on. Remember that he wouldn’t be doing this were he not so damaged. He has to live with his damaged self. You do not. His life will always be chaotic. Yours won’t. Google Sam Vaknin – Malignant Self Love. Vaknin is a narcissist himself. It’s really eye opening stuff and I am sure it will help you. To me it was like the curtain suddenly opening and everything became clear at once. Mine fits every single one of the traits Vaknin lists – from hoovering to using sex as a weapon. It’s all there.
Mine ending up on the dating site not two weeks after he had told me his life had changed, etc, and only a month after he had bombarded me with emails about meeting up while I was in another country (and the sex when we did have it was great – no doubt about it – but that’s part of the narcissism too). I realized that whereas I thought he had finally found happiness, just not with me, really nothing had changed for him. He was still looking for something he will never find because he recoils from what he is looking for. That is sad.
And yes my guy also uses sex as a weapon ( he withholds it ) and as you stated it is AMAZING with him!!! He’s actually admitted that he ignores my calls/texts and withholds sex to punish me. It’s really sad because he’s young, very attractive, intelligent, outgoing, funny, can be caring but he’s a sociopath….he will never have a normal life!! I’m older than him, I’ve tried to help him because I see what his future looks like. They don’t want help, only to use you for whatever they can get from you. I pray almost daily to be released from this hold he has on me. It’s torture sometimes.
Dating a Sociopath 
When I said ” they are afraid of people like me” they are afraid to be exposed for who and what they really are!! He will do better just to move on to new victims who know nothing about who he really is and who will fall for his charms. I have outed him and will do so again if he ever tries to come back. He had everyone at work fooled for 8 years!!! No one has a clue as to who he really was until we started seeing each other. My therapist told me that the only reason I wasn’t victimized worse is because of how I handled him.
It’s shit that they seem to get away with so much but please, please ladies who think that revenge is the answer; IT IS NOT!!! You cannot get revenge on a sociopath or think you have hurt them back, they do not have the same brain functionality as normal people. It you react like that then I’m sorry you are not a badass chick you are as bad as them and possibly have sociopathic tendencies yourself. If your partner is indeed a sociopath he will wait weeks of not years to get you back, remember this is a GAME to them and it only ends when they find a new unsuspecting player.
I have lost a fantastic job and had my personal life and all my sins splashed across socials media and emailed to my bosses. I have been physically and verbally assaulted since I left him. My restraining order is nearly at its end and I had no issues for the last few
Months then bam! I come home from work and he has sprayed whore and slut all over my brand new door! This time instead of going into meltdown I accepted that this is merely a pathetic attempt to stir me up again. It’s a door I’ll buy a bloody new one. I ha e now had cctv installed so I will catch him. That is the proper way of getting revenge not to lower ourselves to their level. Now if he is caught he will be arrested and Possibly jailed which will mean he loses his job die to breaking the law rather tha. Me being spiteful back to him.
The way to beat the sociopath is very simple in logical terms if not very hard emotionally. Get a restraining order and use a local domestic violence support group. Most important of all is NO CONTACT.
Good luck ladies we can do this
@Imsooveehim…. First of all I do not haze sociopathic tendencies! I just refused to be a victim and just allowed him to get away with what he did to me!! All that happened to you happened to you because you played a victim and allowed it!! You have no right to accuse of that!!! This worked for me… I did not suffer all that did because I struck back! You handled your situation the way you handled it and I handled mine the way I did!! The difference is I’ve NEVER suffered any overt act from him… Why? He knows there will be consequences. Most of them are cowards anyway… I wasn’t going to let a coward get away with doing all that to me!!! He went from making over $65 a year as a respected Security Specialist to now being a security guard who by the way has been exposed for who he is… Yep I’m a BAD ASS CHICK!!! Good day
Well good luck to you I hope it never comes back to haunt you, I just hope others realise that your way is dangerous, and that he could become so frustrated at your behaviour that he ends up physically harming you. I didn’t play at being a victim, I was/am a victim but that doesn’t make me weak. He is crazy and you can’t fight back with crazy, that’s all I’m saying and I stand my statement to other women that you’re way of dealing with it is not something I would advise other women to do
And FYI he has been found a new unsuspecting victim… He still had to pay for what he did!!! He will never bother me again!!!
I too was a victim, but I refused to be victimized further. I also refused to let some piece of human garbage get away with taking my kindness, empathy and love for weakness and just trample on me like I was dirt!! I’m not advocating that all women do what I’ve done! Every person and situation is different. My ex is definite 100% a sociopath HOWEVER he realized that I’m not his usual type of victim!! He’s told me that I was different from any woman he’s been with… The others cried, suffered and did nothing. This is what they look for. Again it’s been a year since he suffered some of what I did ( and kept coming back ) this was before I knew what he was. If and when he decides to so something I’ll be ready for him but I’m not the least bit concerned. All I’m saying is don’t be a victim… Stand up and fight back!!! In whatever way that works for you!!
I didn’t realise my ex was an sp, the second I realised he was not right I ended the relationship I did not put up with his bullshit. I did not spend nights crying over him
More upset that a smart girl
Like myself missed all
The obvious signs that were there once I found this site and read about the behaviours of the sp. Perhaps your ex had nothing on you from
Your past to hurt you? Mine did and used it against me time and time again until i lost my job. I class myself as a survivor as I got a new job and still
Own my house something he promised that I would lose. I have stuff on him, I know he smokes weed and as he works for the navy he would be instantly dismissed, then I would be living in fear of further assaults, damage to my property and threats towards my family.
I hope and pray you never face repercussions from him, now he has a new victim I mean that sincerely x
Thank you…. No, he doesn’t have anything on me that could hurt me. During the time he was ” using me” and taking advantage of my help he gave me a lot of info that I was able to hurt him with later. I would have never done that to someone I loved and who I thought loved me. The rest of the info just kinda revealed itself to me. That’s what happens when people do wrong to others. Karma!! I haven’t lost a thing… I’ve actually gained, but he’s lost a lot. Mostly his own doing. I think in the end they all meet the wrong person eventually and pay dearly one way or the other.
CindyT~
Congrats on how far you’ve come.
The way you talk, I’m surprised you allowed yourself to be a victim at all!
Did you get out of the “hurt stage” after the break-up, on your own? or did the therapy help?
I’m THINKing about doing therapy but I don’t want to waste my time with someone not knowledgeable on the subject of Sociopaths.
Was that a prerequisite for the therapist that you got?
The statement you made~
With all due respect some of you give these people wayyyyy to much power and credit!!!
I disagree!!
CRAZY isn’t giving them credit or power in the least!
CRAZY is unKNOWN!
Especially when they don’t give a flying anything about what they do or who they do it to.
I know mine’s rage was about as scary as he could muster as he never did get physical but, maybe I got lucky.
I think you really got lucky in your case.
I haven’t run across ANY other’s stories of how they got what they deserved back much less double the amount.
High 5 to you.
@GayeLynn… Thank you. I became a victim because love is BLIND and this guy was GOOD!!! Before I came to the agency that he worked for he had been there for 8 years and NO ONE knew who he really was!!! He had this very magnetic personality and is very personable and cute ( in every sense ). I’m a very honest and upfront person so I never imagined that people like this existed!!! The lies were so believable!!! I’ve never known anyone to lie about stuff like that!! He was younger but relatively successful until his deceit caught up to him. He was forced to resign and I felt bad for him. He didn’t really know what to do and I loved him so I did everything in my power to help. A shortt time after that is when he really started pull away, lie more, deceive more ( my guess is the new victim was on the scene) I still did not know what he was… I just thought how could someone mistreat someone who loved and was helping them through one of the toughest times in their life!! I had been in a loveless marriage and was unhappy…. Enters this attractive, exciting, attentive, sexy and funny guy!! And he wants ME!!! I fell quick and hard!!! He saw this other side of me quickly and broke it off, but I convinced him to come back. He later told me while he was pissed that the sex kept him with me. I’m sure later when he discovered that I would loan him money that became the primary reason to keep me around. It took a long time to get over the hurt, truthful I still have days when I feel it. They are few and far in between. I sometimes still miss the ” him” that I thought he was initially. As far as getting the money back, once I saw that I meant nothing to him I was determined to get my money back and because he had lied about helping with a terminally sick Dad’s medical bills to get it I penalized him!!! He owed me $700-$800, I made him sign a promissory note for $1,500… Which I’m sure he had no intention of honoring. The day that he was supposed to pay me he played this dumb game of asking me to meet him at a public place. I knew he wasn’t coming but I gave him the chance to show up. He didn’t. I told him if he did not show up and pay me I was headed to his parent’s house. They did not know he had lost his job ( he was staying with them and going out every morning driving for uber ). When I got there he was there, he came out and threw a check for $1,500 in my car window. I got out and went into the house to speak with the parents to tell them the whole story and that I didn’t trust the check. They assured me that the check would clear and if it didn’t to come back and they would pay me. It cleared. Yes, make sure the therapist that you choose has experience/knowledge of sociopaths. My Dr. is wonderful!!! I’m still healing, but I’ve come a long way!!! I hope this answered your questions.
CindyT~
I agree!
That is the HARDest thing to comprehend, if at all, how they can be so “honest” and “loving” and “caring”~when they aren’t any of those.
It’s only been 8 weeks for me with me going NC and it’s only been easier because I’ve been here and done this SO many times before.
But, yes, the goods were GREAT so they do still enter the brain.
As long as they stay far away from the heart, we’re safe!!
Again~You getting 2 x’s the amount of money makes ME happy cause I just KNOW how unhappy he (they) would be with that outcome.
Actually, me getting my car, even though it cost me $$ was so unlike me that his head must’ve spun and probably still is.
Now what does he have to even get me to PONder giving him the rest of his stuff he left behind~nothing.
Oh, except I forgot that he did send me a text saying, “Let material things be important to you now as they won’t be if you get cancer like I do.”
I had to keep the NC up or I would have replied, “Are you saying that YOU are a CANcer?” haha!
And those cowboy boots that weren’t cheap~I bet 1 of his victims unknowingly bought them FOR him.
He denies this but 1 of the last loans I loaned him was for $500 and he came home that same night with a new can-corder.
Hmmmmm….guess he forgot to take that too which I just now remembered.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Quoted that text wrong above~
He said, “Let material things be important to you now as they won’t be if you get cancer like ME.”
That’s what is so funny too.
The TEXT book these people follow.
You’d think someone would do something just a little different as to try and confuse people but they DON’T.
Is it just me or do they all cry CANCER?! My ex sociopath lied for almost a year that his dad has prostate cancer. He used that poor deceased man ( since 2008 ) for everything!! Just outrageous!!!
Read the post ‘sociopath sickness saga’ and comments from readers. You can find it by using search.
Wow!!! This helped me a lot!!!! These people are incredible!!! My ex told me 2 months into the relationship that his Dad and prostate cancer and that he managed most of his healthcare ( appts, treatments, medical bills) told me that his other siblings lived far away and his dad did not drive… That he was trying to be a good son. Ha!!! So for months I was told every Saturday ( sometimes Sunday’s too) that he had to go to Baltimore to see about his dad, or dad had a stroke or some other medical crisis which prevented him from spending time with me on the weekends. This went on for months. I would get frustrated and try to break it off but there would always be an emergency and what kind of person would I be if I stopped seeing him because he had to take care of a sick Dad? He told me that all of his money ( after rent and living expenses ) was going to his dad’s expenses. He asked to borrow a little money once, I was to be repaid in 2 weeks. Of course there was an excuse and I never got repaid. After that he manipulated me into helping him financially by sadly complaining about being broke because he was helping his dad, the siblings were not helping. I started giving him money every 2 weeks. I believed that his dad was sick and that we were a couple in a committed relationship. It was all lies!! When I messaged his wife ( who’s working in another country) she told me that he told me those lies because he didn’t want to spend time with me…. Imagine the shock and hurt I felt upon hearing that!! I had already suspected something wasn’t right about the father. I found out this past January that dad has been dead since 2008!!! Well as I’ve stated before I recouped every dollar and then some but it still doesn’t take away that pain. These people are a piece of work!!!
Wow… unbelievable. So unbelievable you almost think this HAS to be true. Nobody could make this up.
UPDATE on cancer diagnosis~
Out of the blue, one of his most “normal” (only(?) friend called me.
He didn’t leave a message so I called back.
He stuttered that it was a mis-dial.
I said, “OH! I thought you called to tell me something about his cancer.”
🙂
He said no but he didn’t inquire and I didn’t elaborate.
I just asked that he remove my # from his phone to avoid any future mis-dials.
(I hope he’s not TOO sad that his friend has cancer that he was probably not aware of.
LOL!!
Ok thanks
Trust me he won’t be back… At least not to do anything to me. Maybe to try to suck me into him ( he’s fully aware of how much I loved and cared for him) just to use me for whatever need he has but not to do anything to overtly hurt me. Hell…. I don’t even think he will come back for that. He’s told me that he doesn’t trust me or what I’ll do if he hurts me. He is fully aware that he will always do something to hurt me. No worries. He’s completely moved on from me!!
Exactly!!!!
Hi CindyT.
Thanks for your concern and support. Just to update you, my wife has gone to stay with her Mother for a few weeks and has taken the kids with her. I can’t blame her and I feel just terrible about everything I’ve put her through, but I think we’ll come through this. I’ve decided to let it all go and concentrate on the positive. No point wasting my nerves on the girl that gave me nothing but trauma, so with a bit of luck that will be the end of it all. I’ve said that before, but I really don’t know what more she can do now to hurt me.
Hope you’re OK too. I’ll never be the same again, and right now I’m looking at every person and seeing them as s sociopath, but I suppose that will heal in time.
Janos
Hi Janos…. I’m sorry that your wife left ( it sounds temporary so I’m praying she will return). Yes, let it all go …. Hopefully that sociopath has moved on and will leave you and your wife alone. I’m great!! My ex reached out to me late Saturday night just to say ” hi”. Lol!! I can now laugh at his antics!! I’ve come so far, I won’t let him hurt me again. Yes, I know what you mean…. I’m starting to assess everyone and wonder if they are sociopaths. I trust no one. You will be ok… Pray a lot and talk to people you trust about what you’ve been through. That’s how I making it through. Praying for you!!
@GayeLynn Thank you.
I believe you are correct – we can and will (!) learn something from these types of people. I have for example come to the realization that I have huge issues with “being alone” and that I “need” to love someone else in order to feel happy. I am always looking after someone to take care of instead of taking care of me. I believed that I was taking care of me only because I do it so much on the outside with hair, makeup and all that stuff that in the end does not matter at all. I need to work on me, to start loving myself, to learn liking me and being with me. Building my self confidence so that I will not take bullshit, games and horrible treatment from people. It’s so hard but I learned this about myself only because of what she did to me. Well, haha! I have not stopped the looking at social sites completely but I am better and I try to avoid it as much as I possibly can. It’s very hard because she has gone “crazy” with her posting, trying to hurt me badly and making me crazy jealous one day ( posted a picture with her ex girlfriend on the place she and I had a wonderful day and date together ) and then makingme nostalgic and in love the next day. She really has her mind set on trying to break me. It makes my mind go crazy and I know it is poison for my healing so I need to let go. I’m just not completely there yet. It’s so hard I could scream and throw things but I will never stop fighting for it and I hope you will be able to stop looking as well. We are only hurting and tricking ourselves, making up excuses maybe in the moment we are doing it to justify it when the only ones we are hurting is ourselves.
I was dumped by a possible sociopath 3 weeks ago and I was torn until I consulted a friend and she told me that he is a sociopath. This really saved my life and I’ve started to stop placing blame on myself.
I’m not really sure if he was a typical full-blown sociopath.
We met in a foreign country when he was traveling in my town, and we started out as friends but developed into a romantic relationship after spending 1 week together. I was in my weak state when we met because I had just been cheated on by a guy I was dating previously so I had told him this story when we were just friends. Then he told me that 6 years ago he was also dumped by a girl who cheated on him and was depressed for years after that. The night that was supposed to be our last night together, he kissed me and said he really liked me. He tried to have sex with me but it felt wrong to do that after knowing someone only for a couple of days so I said no, and we came close to it but we didn’t. Even then, he was always so charming, and after we kissed he would sweep me up like a princess and hold my hands everywhere we went. When we said goodbye, he told me “you are too good for the previous guy. I hope you forget about him.” After he left I kept thinking about things that we did, things that he said to me, and it felt like he was everything I wanted with qualities that I was longing for. He was flying to a different town within my country, and he said he missed me and wanted to see me again. Next thing I know I am booking tickets to go join him on his vacation. By this time I was determined not to ever go back to my previous guy, and I got sexually involved with the new guy, wanting to know where we would end up. We did not bring up specific talks about what would happen after, but he said “you are mine now” and talked about how much he was going to miss me. After he went back home we were texting each other everyday, and he asked me “When are you coming to see me? Come as soon as you can”. I lived halfway across the world from him but we made plans to see each other again in 2 months. Over the course of 2 months we talked everyday saying how we missed each other and Skyped every week. He would give me so many ideas of what we would do when we saw each other, in terms of vacationing plans, and giving me thousands of hugs, kisses, etc… All my motivation thereafter was about seeing him and thinking about how much fun we would have. Few days before I saw him he texted me “I miss you so much my Lucy please come back to me”. I really had no doubts or worries about the relationship with him. But then came the day we would finally be together and he didn’t seem very happy to see me. He said he was tired so I just said okay and let it go. The next day I met his parents and they were very nice people. He seemed really trusting to me actually because he had such good relationship with his parents who were happily married for 30 years and his brother who was in an 8-year relationship with his girlfriend doing long-distance for last 3 years 2000 mi apart. After that we left for our 1-week vacation and even met with his brother’s girlfriend along the way. But he was a different person. He was distant, didn’t hold my hands or kiss me anymore except for a couple of times, though sex was there everyday. At times he was nice and happy, and other times he wasn’t. He even snapped on me for small things several times. I’m not the type to argue and didn’t say much since I wanted to just enjoy the time I had with him. After we came back from vacation we had dinner with his parents again. He was so exhausted from driving he was falling asleep. Then we finally went back to his place. I was taking a quick shower thinking he wanted to rest soon, but suddenly at 9PM he said “I need some alone time” and took off. Said he would be back for sure before midnight but did not come home until 2:30AM. I called but he didn’t pick up and just dropped me a text “I won’t be long”. I could not hold myself together anymore and questioned him after he came home. He finally mentioned that there isn’t someone else “yet” since it’s not official. I fell apart but he supported me and apologized, though he said he did not know I was coming just to see him even though I was staying with him for 3 weeks. The next day he wasn’t blatantly mean to me but was no longer apologetic and told me I should’ve communicated better about my intentions. I cut my vacation short but wanted to enjoy just 1 more week with him so I did the best I could. One night though I asked him, “did you ever really like me? It wasn’t just for sex?” Then he suddenly got mad and shut me out. He said he did not want to talk about this because I was going to accuse him. Eventually I gave up because I didn’t want to force him into anything, but after that he became nice and made the move to be physically involved again. The last 2 days I had with him he was nice, though he was texting on the phone from time to time (probably with his girl). He was almost back to the person he was when we first met. He kissed me again and held my hands. I was devastated after I got home, but since he said he wanted to be friends and would visit me again as soon as he could I still talked to him sometimes. It drove me crazy though when he would stop answering me at night so I started not texting him. Then he would just drop texts saying “I miss you”. I could not make sense of why he had suddenly dumped me, still wanted to be friends, I was just left confused with guilt. I could not keep myself sane anymore and texted him a lot and I think eventually he found it annoying and said, “You were right maybe we shouldn’t talk for some time. You’ll always be special to me, so if you want come back to me when you’re ready.” I answered back saying, “can I at least know what happened?” He said “as I told you I met her few days before you arrived and I could not tell you because it got “serious” the day before you came”. I tried to ask more questions but he just shut me out saying “it will not help you and it will not help me”. So everything ended there. I am still left perplexed because he cherishes his family and relatives, they love him back. He told me that he was torn after the relationship 6 years ago and hasn’t had any long-term relationships since then (at most 1-2 months) because he feared to love again. He also said he often feels lonely though he doesn’t show it.
I’m still recovering from this relationship and haven’t been able to process everything. It would be nice to hear some thoughts from other people.
I ignored the red flags. He was handsome, 6’2″, blond and love bombed me so hard and fast, I lost my bearings. He was a knight in shining armor who rescued me (that is what he kept telling me…he recused me). I didn’t know that I needed to be rescued. He chased me hard and said everything a woman would ever want to hear from a prince of man for the first six months. Over a period of one weekend through,my knight turned into my worst nightmare. The first time he screamed at me at the TOP of his lungs, he had just moved in with me in my house. He slowly verbally and emotional abused me. I still married him as he love bombed my family too. I did not to realize the financial abuse until I was 100k in credit card debt. He kept promising to get a job but never did. He kept telling me that my high income job would pay off the debt and to stop complaining. His anger would escalate every 3 weeks until he exploded with the most foul language and insults. The day he called me a c–t, I told him I would divorce him if he every called me that again. I knew that he would not be able to maintain his cool. I started keeping and stashing cash in my work office. His anger would continue to escalate and he yelled at me so hard that spittle would land in my hair. Yet, he would stop and not use that word. At about 6 months after my ultimatum, I confronted him on a 15k bill from the landscaper for work that had been performed over the last year in my yard. My ex never paid the money I gave him for that monthly bill. This was when he called me a c–t for the last time. He knew immediately that he crossed the line. I was so physically sick to my stomach and ran to the bathroom. During that time of vomiting and crying, as he was pounding on the door to let him in, I knew that would need to escape. It took me three days as he literally begged me to forgive him for me to leave …one morning as he was still in bed. My sister Annie was horrified when I told her the real story. I stayed with her for a month as my barracuda of a woman attorney got him out of my house. During this time, court records from his first divorced reveal he had a borderline personality disorder with sociopathic/naracasstic tendencies. Holy shit! I am not the crazy one and I am not losing my mind. In the end, I had have my freedom, my house and no contact with him. Thank god for my tough love therapist and the group of women that I meet with that have suffered from the abuse of a sociopath.
Thank you for letting me tell my story. I am sitting in the quiet of my house, with tears streaming down my face, filled with gratitude. I wish you all peace. I find strength in our shared stories. And… I am not crazy. Helen
I have read many many stories other people have posted about their nightmare of a boyfriend/girlfriend whom they are positive is a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist ect. & some of them could be but a lot, in my opinion, are just being spiteful & vindictive a**holes during the break or end of their relationship, which doesn’t usually bring out the best in ppl, right? The reason I’m saying this is bcuz I know with 100% certainty that my ex boyfriend & father of my son is with out a doubt a complete sociopath &/or psychopath/somnophiliac. I’m literally in the works of writing a book on my expierences with him. I will try 2 sum it 4 u: in the beginning there were red flags that I chose 2 ignore like the LYING, even about things he didn’t have 2 lie about! That was the very 1st red flag 4 me especially since I’m am so brutally honest, honest 2 a flaw & have always said that I hate liars! On our 5th day together he told me he loved me & said it everyday from that point on, even when I argued that it wasn’t physically possible. He told me lots of lies in the beginning that made himself out 2 b this really great catch. For instance, his mothers house was worth just under a million dollars & she added his name 2 the deed so it was 2 b his if she died. The value of her house is public knowledge & worth a fraction of 1 million dollars & she told me she would NEVER put him on the deed of her house. His teeth were in bad shape & he was missing quite a few. His reason 4 this was that he was a great skateboarder who was discovered by a promoter & was paid 2 make skateboarding videos & while doing some trick down 10-15 stairs, fell & broke his jaw & a ton of teeth ect. Again I asked his mother who disproved that story as well, he was never that good of a skateboarder & his teeth were like that from bad hygiene. Lies were the basis of his persona but it wasn’t JUST the lies, there was extremely odd behavior as well. He was a horrible drug addict addicted 2 crack cocaine & seemed completely powerless over that addiction & didn’t have any desire at all 2 change. He was a big time thief & would steal everything from money 2 my prescription drugs 2 my mothers money too! Early on in our relationship he began 2 masturbate in front of me, without any shame whatsoever!! I don’t mean masturbating while we were fooling around or having sex. I mean he would watch porn on his phone, porn was another addiction, & just start masturbating with me right there like it was completely normal behavior. I was completely taken back by this & I was embarrassed 4 him, but that was something he did throughout our entire relationship. Another sexually degrading & violating act he performed on me our entire relationship was having sex with me when I was completely unconscience, either intoxicated or medicated but either way I was sleeping & not at all participating. Even though I felt completely violated & thought this behavior was weird 2 say the least, I never did anything about it like go 2 the police bcuz we were together in a relationship but I had voiced 2 him my displeasure & have even awoken many of times 2 fight him off of me. Believe it or not, all of the behaviors I’ve listed here & that wasn’t even EVERYTHING, were some of his better behaviors before the mask came completely off. That happened 2 1/2 years into our relationship & when our son together was just 10 months old. Unbeknownst 2 me he starting having an affair with his married neighbor who is 20 years his senior which began when he began doing construction work in her house. I was clueless except the 1 red flag of him always coming home after work & talking about this lady & her husband every single day. I assume when things heated up between them & God only knows what lies he told her about me, 1 day out the clear blue sky he went 2 the courts & filed 4 custody of our son saying I was a bad drug addict, when in reality it’s him who still is the addict. That’s how he left me & let it b known that there was someone else & did not want a thing 2 do with me. How could someone just up & abandon someone that they’ve been with 4 that long & it meant absolutely nothing 2 him, as tho I was yesterday’s trash! I was devastated but I got my son back a week later, changed my phone number & moved on. A month later he contacted me, wanted 2 meet 4 coffee & I assumed his affair didn’t work out & he was crawling back. I was wrong. For a year & a half he kept me in his love triangle with this lady, back n forth between us. He literally used me 4 all he could in regards 2 making this lady jealous or feel some type of way but it was always about her, I was nothing more than collateral damage in his quest 2 prove his live & devotion 2 her. The way I found out who she is was 1 night he invited me over by saying he was home watching tv & 2 stop by. I didn’t know at the time but he was actually at her house & when I pulled in front of his house, he had ran across the street & jumped his neighbors fence 2 fool me into thinking he was coming outside from his side door. As we were sitting in my car talking, the lady pulled up with her teenage daughter & told him 2 “let’s go” which made my heart drop. As I’m yelling at him 2 get out my car which he wouldn’t, this lady got out her car & approached my window & began punching me as I’m siting in the car. I took off with this lady hanging onto my car & she eventually fell off. They went 2 police station saying I attacked them both & bcuz I drive off with her on my car, they charged me with a felony & he got a tro on me when he didn’t even have my real phone number at the time & had tried making it permanent.. He had an entire year 2 tell the truth 4 me but he didn’t & allowed me 2 become a felon. Of course I’m leaving out a lot of details here but u get the picture. He would tell me he loved me & wanted 2 work things out but his actions never correlated with his words. He would never stop his relations with this woman 4 me or not but wud lie 2 me about over & over. When he felt she was slipping away, he wud devise a scheme 2 prove his loyalty 2 her by devaluing & destroying me. He tried framing me & putting me in jail. Was recording our conversations together, even while here in my home. While asleep next 2 him, he went into my phone & posted 2 Facebook like it was me talking about kidnapping & killing this lady & legit took this 2 police 2 bring me up on charges 4 something I didn’t even do but thank God the police saw through him. Whenever he did something truly horrible 2 me, it was all 4 her & 2 win her back. He went 2 police & lied saying I slapped him & had me arrested & brought up on a false charge. He’s called DYFS on me repeatedly many times would threaten suicide 2 me but never went through with it. This is just a a taste of his behavior & of course not everything but u can imagine the lunatic of man he is. I blocked him & have no contact now & every once in a while he will reach out one way or another but I ignore & avoid at all costs. He is not worth the drama & heartache that he causes 2 my life, it’s like he’s hell bent on destroyng me 4 no reason at all. Like he’s actually upset that I’m not associating with him 4 him 2 use & abuse 4 his own personal pleasure so he’s hell bent on hurting me every chance he gets 2. I’m so much happier without him in my life now & I can’t believe I tolerated such unhealthy toxic behavior from this coward 4 so many years of my life but it’s over 4 good now. Thanks 4 reading. Good luck!
Where is the post I wrote earlier today?? 8-26-16
Published now
How do i send you my story? I need help desperately and at this point I don’t care if it is posted publicly or if I just send it to you personally in hopes of guidance.
Hi – I don’t know what I have dealt with, or indeed if I am even qualified to assume she was a psychopath or sociopath, but she has left me in utter desperation and despair.
I will call her G for this story.
I was a single, divorced a couple of years before I met her, I had rebuilt my life after the divorce (first wife went back to her ex, wasn’t brutal). I had gotten an apartment, was living well.
I went to a management retreat, wasn’t dating anyone, a beautiful woman from my company was also there, she always turned my head and I thought she was wonderful.
On the first night, after hardly saying a word to her she followed me to my lodge and tapped on my shoulder, we began kissing then having sex, the whole week every night we would sleep together. Within two weeks she told me she had met her soul-mate, loved me more than anyone before, within four weeks she was talking marriage, constantly telling me she adored me, sending me messages all day, I thought how amazing she was, and I could not believe how lucky I was, I gave up my apartment and moved in with her (a property her grandfather owns) after only eight weeks. amazing sex etc.
Everyone who knows me told me to stay away from her, that she was going to be trouble, I ignored them all.
Now for G’s history, she is 36, has been married three times and engaged twice, had two other long term(ish) relationships, she has three children 6,8 and 12 from two ex husbands. She has three day a week custody (weds, thurs, and fri). ALL her exes are crazy she says, first a drunk, second a controlling jerk, third abusive, fourth physically abusive and on and on.
She put an engagement ring on her own finger, and said she wanted to show everyone she was committed etc, that was a worry for me, I bonded with the Children, the day after Xmas I was not feeling so well, we had a family outing with her grandparents planned, I went but did not feel good, the night before she had been all over me and so nice, when I felt sick she did not seem to care, we had plans the following day to go away and I had booked tickets and hotels etc, the next morning she went out to get some coffee, I suddenly get a text saying “I don’t feel the same way about you anymore, pack up and leave, I wont be back for two days”. Devastated I left, it had only been five months. five days later she calls me and says she had made the worst mistake of her life, she loves me and needs me back, what did I do ? I raced back immediately of course. She really got attached again, I had work travel but she seemed very attentive and loving.
March – She starts itching and scratching in bed, saying it must be the laundry detergent etc, two weeks later, guess what I itch, but I go to the Doctor, who says I have Scabies, I am shocked, I come home and tell her, she gets treated, she is SO calm about it, she hands me printouts of websites saying it can be contracted by hotel sheets etc, I travelled to Dallas a month before on business, It must have been me. again I give the benefit of the doubt. (The dermatologist said to me that it is 99% of the time transmitted by prolonged physical contact).
Fast forward to June, she went on two “girls” weekends that month, I stayed home. Something changed suddenly, then boom I get an email from one of her Ex men, he forwarded me pictures and emails she had sent him, he also chronicled times they had been together whilst she was in the relationship with me, all when I was on travel. I addressed this with her, she said her emails were closure but also that he had tampered with them, what di I do ? I bought it. She said it was in the past, immediately she said to me lets go to Vegas and get married, I said again that I did not want to rush that part. She was all over me again. July – the Ex forwards me a text she sent saying “Are you lonesome tonight” She denied it and again said he had not sent it and he was jealous and crazy.
She was all over me, lots of sex, I had a two day trip to Indianapolis on business, she is out with the girls, I come home on Friday, spent evening with Kids whilst she went to see her friend who is depressed, she arrives back at 1am, something is wrong, she is distant, not hugging in bed which she always did, Saturday she gets up to go to gym, text comes in, I am going away for 4 days as I need a break, I packed yesterday, I am dumbfounded, she does not answer any calls or texts. Comes back on Monday, I plead with her to please tell me what’s wrong, she says she does not know, next day she is passionate again, all over me, loving me, then the day after “Boom” get out, so I left, this time I left absolutely heartbroken but I also told her truths, I talked to a mutual friend who told me she was having an affair with a guy who had just moved to the area, but not only that, that she has seen many men when I travel, leaving clubs with them when I am away.
So I write her a seething letter, telling her how unacceptable she behaves, her ex husband (father of two of her children) calls me, asks to meet, I do, turns out she had multiple affairs when she was with him, and also when she was with her other husbands and partners, her 6 year old daughter has had 4 live-in men in her life.
Also worse still, she tells him and the Children I had to move away for work.
There is so much more, I haven’t spoken to her in weeks, she has now taken to parking outside my office window, all dressed up, her office is a block away.
Sociopath or just a cheater ? I do not know. I am left devastated, shell shocked and embarrassed.
I have not read the whole story but I have read few paragraph about within 2 weeks, she states that she loves you. She was basically love bombing you. She is a NARC. Another sign she is a narc is that she claims that all of her exs are “crazy” Thats a LIE. What she claims her exs are, thats her. Please GET OUT ASAP!! If not, it will be hard in the future. They can DESTROY YOUR LIFE. The only way is going NO CONTACT!!!
Sociopaths do those things too Monie 🙂
Hi – I don’t know what I have dealt with, or indeed if I am even qualified to assume she was a psychopath or sociopath, but she has left me in utter desperation and despair.
I will call her G for this story.
I was a single, divorced a couple of years before I met her, I had rebuilt my life after the divorce (first wife went back to her ex, wasn’t brutal). I had gotten an apartment, was living well.
I went to a management retreat, wasn’t dating anyone, a beautiful woman from my company was also there, she always turned my head and I thought she was wonderful.
On the first night, after hardly saying a word to her she followed me to my lodge and tapped on my shoulder, we began kissing then having sex, the whole week every night we would sleep together. Within two weeks she told me she had met her soul-mate, loved me more than anyone before, within four weeks she was talking marriage, constantly telling me she adored me, sending me messages all day, I thought how amazing she was, and I could not believe how lucky I was, I gave up my apartment and moved in with her (a property her grandfather owns) after only eight weeks. amazing sex etc.
Everyone who knows me told me to stay away from her, that she was going to be trouble, I ignored them all.
Now for G’s history, she is 36, has been married three times and engaged twice, had two other long term(ish) relationships, she has three children 6,8 and 12 from two ex husbands. She has three day a week custody (weds, thurs, and fri). ALL her exes are crazy she says, first a drunk, second a controlling jerk, third abusive, fourth physically abusive and on and on.
She put an engagement ring on her own finger, and said she wanted to show everyone she was committed etc, that was a worry for me, I bonded with the Children, the day after Xmas I was not feeling so well, we had a family outing with her grandparents planned, I went but did not feel good, the night before she had been all over me and so nice, when I felt sick she did not seem to care, we had plans the following day to go away and I had booked tickets and hotels etc, the next morning she went out to get some coffee, I suddenly get a text saying “I don’t feel the same way about you anymore, pack up and leave, I wont be back for two days”. Devastated I left, it had only been five months. five days later she calls me and says she had made the worst mistake of her life, she loves me and needs me back, what did I do ? I raced back immediately of course. She really got attached again, I had work travel but she seemed very attentive and loving.
March – She starts itching and scratching in bed, saying it must be the laundry detergent etc, two weeks later, guess what I itch, but I go to the Doctor, who says I have Scabies, I am shocked, I come home and tell her, she gets treated, she is SO calm about it, she hands me printouts of websites saying it can be contracted by hotel sheets etc, I travelled to Dallas a month before on business, It must have been me. again I give the benefit of the doubt. (The dermatologist said to me that it is 99% of the time transmitted by prolonged physical contact).
Fast forward to June, she went on two “girls” weekends that month, I stayed home. Something changed suddenly, then boom I get an email from one of her Ex men, he forwarded me pictures and emails she had sent him, he also chronicled times they had been together whilst she was in the relationship with me, all when I was on travel. I addressed this with her, she said her emails were closure but also that he had tampered with them, what di I do ? I bought it. She said it was in the past, immediately she said to me lets go to Vegas and get married, I said again that I did not want to rush that part. She was all over me again. July – the Ex forwards me a text she sent saying “Are you lonesome tonight” She denied it and again said he had not sent it and he was jealous and crazy.
She was all over me, lots of sex, I had a two day trip to Indianapolis on business, she is out with the girls, I come home on Friday, spent evening with Kids whilst she went to see her friend who is depressed, she arrives back at 1am, something is wrong, she is distant, not hugging in bed which she always did, Saturday she gets up to go to gym, text comes in, I am going away for 4 days as I need a break, I packed yesterday, I am dumbfounded, she does not answer any calls or texts. Comes back on Monday, I plead with her to please tell me what’s wrong, she says she does not know, next day she is passionate again, all over me, loving me, then the day after “Boom” get out, so I left, this time I left absolutely heartbroken but I also told her truths, I talked to a mutual friend who told me she was having an affair with a guy who had just moved to the area, but not only that, that she has seen many men when I travel, leaving clubs with them when I am away.
So I write her a seething letter, telling her how unacceptable she behaves, her ex husband (father of two of her children) calls me, he tells me her history, the fact his 6 year old daughter has had 4 live in men (other than him) in her life. She cheated on him and others, in fact she wasn’t divorced when they met.
There is so much more, I don’t know what she is, she has not taken to parking outside my office window A BLOCK away form her office, all dressed up etc, I let her know how dreadful she was via mail. She is all over social media with yet another guy, she has had 4 partners in the last month.
Our relationship lasted 13 Months, I am a complete mess, sociopath ? I don’t know, she has very few friends and all of them were new, or is she just a woman with poor moral’s and low integrity, thing is I loved her so much I wish I could re-wind and try again.
Thanks
Ajw~
No ifs ands or buts~You’ve got yourself a textbook Sociopath!!
Now that she’s left, consider yourself LUCKY and never look back!!!!!!!!
Mine did that to me and MORE, more times than I can recall, (I CAN recall but I’m not going to embarrass myself!) within a 5.5 year span.
I promise!~It(she) will never get better.
If you like drama, if you like fake, if you like being cheated on, if you like empty/broken promises, if you like NEVER knowing what is about to happen next (bad OR good)…..then’s she’s the 1 for you.
If NOT~LET HER RUN and I suggest you do the same.
Just in the opposite direction!!!
I was taken advantage of by a true Sociopath. Darren Ambler from New Jersey was obsessive- possessive-sexually addicted and just plain gross. He stalked various women on line including myself. All he wanted was sex- oral sex as well as complete control of me- and my body. The minute he would arrive at my house his clothes would be off in minutes. I must say Darren Ambler’s naked body is pretty hard to take. He is bad enough with his shabby clothes on. This guy was a filthy obsessive pervert who had self-serving motives.
I think about it now and it us scary to know I was taken advantage advantage of by a guy who was completely bonkers and out of control. I know one day this low-life will get what he deserves and then some. However- some day for me is not soon enough.
Darren Ambler needs to learn about consequences- feelings- truth- reality and accountability. He knows nothing about the things in which I just mentioned. People like this live their lives manipulating and lying. I am sure right now this creep is figuring out ways to get away with something else. The day will come when this “poor excuse for a man” will have to face the harsh truth. The truth is he is a bad person with no moral compass or ability to separate truth from fantasy. A sad case and very dangerous to females such as myself. I will never figure out how a man can live his life sleeping with every women that comes down the pike- lie about it and continue his games of lies and deception. A mentally deranged creature for sure.
So glad a friend referred me to this page. It’s been a lifesaver. My story is really not that different. I met this guy on a FB friend’s page. From the get go there were so many signs that something was weird about this guy. First of all he’s a raging alcoholic, physically and mentally abusive.
Every time I tried to stay away he would lure me back in. He used me for money and housing. He would drink his unemployment money.
Despite me finding out that he talked to other women behind my back I still stayed. I moved him into my home after he went to rehab.
He did a stint in jail for domestic violence. He started drinking again shortly after he moved in. The abuse began again. He would break my things, I lived in terror.
He left with a woman he met while doing his protests against police brutality ( how ironic, he’s against police brutality but he brutalized me behind closed doors)
Not going to lie for some reason I loved ( so I thought) him very much.
Now him and his new gf ( the widow of the man he’s supposedly seeking justice for) placed restraining orders on me. I was shocked that he would place a restaining order on me being that he has 2 felony convictions for domestic violence. This sealed the coffin for me. I endured 5 LONG YEARS with this man.
My question is: if he placed a restraining order on me ( which is valid until 2019) does this mean that I don’t have to worry about him making contact with me?
He should be set, as the woman he is with now is employed full time, has her own apartment and is crazy about him. They’re both very much in love living together since July.
I just want to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I can’t believe I fell for this parasite of a man.
Hi ajw and nette
I’m glad you found your way here. I’m a year out of a rship that lasted nearly 5 yrs. He was cheating on me the last 2 for sure, lied about his name the entire time.yet we saw each other every single day and talked marriage, famiky, future. I’m broken.but I’m rebuilding. You will too.we are trusting, loving souls who ignored our gut when we felt things weren’t right. We will move on.they will relive the same horrible patterns and never be happy.
We are here for you
Great summary gaye:)
I have a question…. how many of you still love them? Feel sorry and worry for them? My ex-spath started ” casually” contacting me about a month ago…. I’m over him for the most part ( prayer and therapy helped me tremendously). I’m always aware of what he is, and I’m pretty sure that he can’t hurt me again…. I’m cautious of my interaction with him, but I still care and I feel so sorry for him. He doesn’t share much about his life these day, but I know him and I know he’s not doing well. He’s lost a lot due to his own actions. I’m careful to protect myself but I care about him and it breaks my heart to know that he’s struggling and keep doing the same things. They don’t learn… they don’t get that they will never live a productive and happy life. I know I should cut him off completely but I feel sorry for him. My life has gotten so much better since we broke up. He pops up from time to time then disappears and ignores texts and calls for a period of time. It’s so sad. I’m working on no contact.
Hi Cindy,
I’ve been no contact for about a month and a half after a four year relationship. I feel so much stronger every day, and I can honestly say that I never feel sorry for him. I don’t allow myself to.
You care for a facade and a fake life you had together, the true person beneath the mask is someone who does not understand empathy, guilt or love. They pick us because we feel so much for others that they want to be near it and get something out of it. My sp used my empathy and love for the last two years of our relationship to slowly take away all the good parts of the relationship and leave only pain and misery. I stayed with him because he was “going through such a stressful time right now” and of course I loved him and would never leave him. I wanted to help as much as I could at the expense of my own happiness. Of course, during this time was when he was starting his plans of leaving me and talking about how horrible I was to his fan club…I never heard any of this. This is why they pick us.
Just ask yourself if he ever feels guilt or sorrow for the things he put you through. If he is a true sociopath, the answer will be no. And there is no “casual” contact with an sp. They are users in all that they do. He is using you for your heart again, and 1) making you feel bad for him so that 2) he can gain something (either just sympathy or eventually material help, only time will tell).
I would 100% recommend no contact. Literally block him on everything. If he texts you, you won’t know, if he doesn’t, you don’t have to feel sad about it because you won’t know. My head has been so much clearer since blocking and stopping looking at his facebook, twitter, etc etc (so many places to avoid!). They know when they are losing someone who they had so devoted. A week ago my sp sent me a snapchat, which he hadn’t used in the four years we were together. I didn’t even look at the snap, just blocked him. I would not have been strong enough to ignore it a month and a half ago.
I still think about my sp every day. Normally in the mornings and at night. I miss something about him or our relationship for a second, then I remember, he planned this out. He chose to cheat and lie and deceive, and I will never feel sorry for him. Some may say it’s karma, but these people don’t know how to treat anyone for an extended period of time. Any pain or trouble they have they bring on themselves.
Plus, he will be able to find a new helper easily. Don’t let it be you again when you know better.
Much love and I hope the best for you to be strong!!
Hi Cindy.
I have to say that I still love her, but I honestly does not feel that sorry for her. I guess I would if we got in contact again probably because I am such a caring person and when I care for someone, I really care. Of course she knows this and takes advantage of it. But still when I know so much of her game it always helps to see through her, even if I am in love with her still and always will care for her. She will never care for me the way I do for her, and I know that I deserve just the same love as I give in return.
You deserve so much better!
I have no feelings for my ex-sp, but I miss the man he pretended to be. Knowing that the man I thought I loved never really existed has made it easier for me to keep No Contact, because the man he actually is turned out to be a monster…a wolf in sheep’s clothing and any contact would only serve his purposes, not mine.
Thanks Christy!! Just about EVERYTHING you’ve said is right on the money!!!! I know what you’re telling me is true… I was doing so well and as soon as he decided to contact me all those feelings of love and desire for him came back. I know it was all fake and a lie… they hijack our emotions and lives. I’ve been to therapy and I understand that I was attached to the “feeling”, how he made me feel when things were good. Yes, I’m a very caring person ( especially toward him ). But I have to disengage or else he will keep coming back and disappearing. We were intimate once a few weeks ago… nothing but texts since then. I’m ok, but if I don’t cut this off now I will find myself heartbroken and devastated again. Thank you again!!
Ughh so true. They give you just enough to keep you hooked! It sounds like you know what’s best and now just have to do it! You got this. It’s a little more convenient for me because I now live almost 2,500 miles away from my sp…so very little chance of actually bumping into each other thankfully!! Haha
Exactly!!! He is aware of how much I love and care… so a text from him and he’s gotten in a little. They are experts at what the do.
I’m back again on this page guys. I shared my story some time ago, maybe a couple of months ago and I have really been healing and recovering so much since then. I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I am happy and are living life to the fullest. I am actually traveling around the world these days and every day is like a fairytale. But still I get these “fall backs” and it hurts as hell. The reason I get them is because the girl I loved has now even got back together with her X girlfriend who she broke up with when me and her started getting to know each other. She told me she doesn’t love her at all and that she didn’t care about her, she just dumped her like that without hesitating and now they are back together posting on social media everywhere. She even took her X girlfriend to absolutely every single place me and her had dates like all different romantic places she showed me and she posted everything day by day on social media. I cannot believe this and I cannot believe how much she wants to hurt me when I just wanted to love her. It kills me and I can’t believe that I still sometimes look at her social media pages. I have never experienced something like this and I have never felt addicted to a person in the way that I do, but I know she is no good for me. I just have so many questions I will never get the answers too, and I just would like to know if everything with me was fake, or if it’s fake with her x girlfriend who she is back with now or what. I don’t understand how she thinks and I don’t understand how she lives her life and treats people. It’s horrible. Sometimes I miss her so much it kills me and I am working on not being angry or feeling bad about her current girlfriend because I know nothing is her fault, it’s just so easy to feel the jealousy and anger and I really feel it these days. I just want her to dump her current girlfriend, even if I can’t or don’t want to be with her if I am truthful to myself, but my heart still wants her so bad. It breaks me. I hope that one day soon I will be 100% over her.
Hi LJ.
Isn’t it strange how the behaviour of sociopaths is so identical? I would say that FAKE is the main word that describes them. Repeat behaviour – such as taking new partners to the same places, probably telling them the same things, playing the same songs, reciting the same pieces of poetry, whatever it may be, is standard behaviour for a sociopath. I believe this is because they are acting, not feeling. They are playing a role, reading from the same script.
If you imagine that this person is hollow, devoid of real feeling, but able to PRETEND and be convincing, then what you have is a sort of cardboard cutout of a person.
Real people have feelings – we are hurt, baffled,damaged and puzzled that someone can do this to another person; there is no way to resolve it except by acceptance. The sociopath will never change, they can’t. They may try to get back into your life, gain a bit more from you, attention, money, security whatever they are looking for, BUT THEY STILL DONT CARE ABOUT YOU. They only care about themselves.
Good luck with your travels and your career, hopefully you will find a decent person along the way, which will help you to forget.
They mirror you, then manipulate and twist it so the mirror is reflected towards them. Taking your life as their own. They become you. And you become a damaged version of yourself.
i have never seen such a great description about that predators.
That is such a great comnenr thankyou
You will never get those answers honestly.No contact is the only way to start to heal yourself, this means social meadia too.When your not seeing it or hearing it it will be less on the forefront of your mind.hugs hang in there!
WOW!!!! It boggles the mind!!! The last communication I had from him was Thursday when I emailed him to never text me again, he needs help but I can’t help him. His reply: ” its sad how that you treat me this way”. Lol!!! I did not nor will I reply to that.
JAN 10 2014 I met the most beautiful, loving,kind ,sweet woman I ever met.I was single at the time for 4 years and a single dad raising a son since 2011.I don’t I k ow how but I fell in love real fast with her.She told me things that If wanted to hear for so long.She told me about her and how she was a widow,and raised 3 boys.She told me I was very hansom,smart,a great dad,and we had many things in common.She asked me about my plans and things I like and don’t like.She told me the same….
Wow,she was tall,long blond hair,nice body,very intelligent. we were dating for a months or two.She introduced me to her whole family during a party.sbe walked around and was pretty much being the center of attention.I noticed something seemed t9 be off with her….one minute she enjoying herself with everybody,the next minute she completely silent,looking around.later that afternoon we talked ,she had told me that she did plan on moving to florida,but because she met me she put it off.And asked if I would be willing to move to florida in another two years or so.??? But this time she new I wasn’t happy at my job I told her. She new I wasn’t big on the winters here,I told her that too….why not I said .So there it was the plan to move to florida…i forgot about one thing………i know I wasn’t thinking about marriage……was she?? Hmmmm…
Buy the 5 month I moved my son schools and moved in.She thought that we could save a lot of money for florida,buy doing this……during this time she would allways always be thing me in the morning and saying hi I miss you I love you,every day and when I came home a big hug and coffee and cuddle up and talk and laugh and tell me how greAt I was and how lucky she was ..and on and on and on…I married her 18 months …acter I married her and putting on my money 8nto the house she owned..everything went south real fast.I found that my money was being used for all the house bills.her money was for paying her adult kids cell phone bills,car payments, 60.000 car loans…her life insurance policy…all those words of love she told me…i asked her why she couldn’t show me anymore….she told me.that if she tells me she.loves me it should be enough….my eyes started noticing things….and my mind started thi king about things.past and present….nothing she had told me added up…the stories about being abused in the past….the story of florida,..her dog died ..i new.this thing for 2 years…8 cried like a baby….she didn’t do nothing…she had it for 15 years..no tears..no feelings.no nothing.
Anytime I would aske her to talk about her past husband…no..it ok…no nothing..feel8ngs,emotions…nothing….she left his pix over the bed for a year before I told her to take it done….she said she was sorry,I didn’t know it bothered you….WHAAAAAAAT!!!!
anytime I asked her how she felt …..ok……and all the lies started to add up,and all the questions started.to add up and she was getting very angry and twisting things making me feel like I was doing something wrong buy questioning my wife!!!!
And the days I came home from work and she would be crying and telling me how sorry she was for treating me the way she has been ,I forgave her…10 minutes later eyes were dry as could be and no talk of any past treatment ……WHAT THE HE’LL IS THIS..
Omg….it got worse…..day buy day…..I kept trying and trying telling myself to be patient, it will.be ok…..nope……but every day she kept telling me I love you ,I’m so lucky ,your amazing ,I don’t deserve you….your my twin ,your my soul mate your heaven sent.but could not show me LOVE,EMOTIONS,FEELINGS,..
Never took responsibility of lies I got her in…..one good thing the sex was outstanding !!!!
But,this woman beat me down mentally,physically, emotionally,spiritually….I had lost 43 Ibs in 29 months …i was a mess…still am…my last day with her was Aug 18 2016…….she grew men.and my son out on the street.She new was about to uncover the mask,she new I had enough so she disposed of me.
She mad us homeless,still am…I gave everything 8 had to this woman and her kids….she gave me nothing, and she continues to harm us with slander,and gals claims to the law…….
Im.so glad she did what she did.I would have maybe kept wanting t9 beleive believe she loved me,and the value I put on marriage vows…….I.nust recently.found out she suffers.from ASPD….
for what its worth as much pain and hurt she has done to us…I pray t9 God he helps her,and keeps her safe…I.do not beleive believe she knows the pain she is causing others,not just me but any man she may connect with falsely….I do pray.for her….
I LOVED HER …
I am not sure if I already posted here but I feel like I am alone in this and need some support in figuring out if I was dealing with a Sociopath. I will try and make my story as enjoyable as possible
We live in the same town back in our home country so our families all know each other and we met when I was 15. We kissed one summer and he told me he wanted me to be his girlfreind but once summer vacation was over things died and we never saw each other again. I would hear about him since we have many mutual family members and friends and I heard he married and had a daughter at age 19.
Fast forward to 11 years later we ran into each other at a mutual family members party. That whole night he was acting distant from me but 2 days later I got a text message from him sayng that he just couldnt take it any more and had to talk to me. I should have taken this as a red flag but I just figured that he just still felt something for me from out past. We talked for about 3 months and it was always about his feelings towards me, how he could not shake his LOVE for me. He would send me pictures of written doodles he would do on his hands that would say “i love you” (weird) At this point I had been single for about 5 years and I felt like someone really loved me. My family knew his family and it all felt right.
He came to speak to my parents to ask them permission to date me, he was so convincing and used such beautiful words to describe what he felt for me he even made my mother cry. my mother NEVER cries. Even then I kinda felt like he was lying.
Our relationship was good, we didnt fight , he wasnt full of himself and he wasnt that smart either. he praised me for my accomplishments and would always tell me how proud of me he was. A few months into our relationship I had to go back to our home country to do an errand for my mother, he asksed if he could come since he is from the same town as me back home and had not been in a year, I agreed and I got our flight together. Over there things were a little different he acted a little bit more controlling towards me and when arrived back to the states he always had an excuse as to why he wasnt paying me back for the flight. He then made me feel guilty saying that if i ever needed money he would never beg me for it.
He would buy me gifts all the time and always pay for dinners. I was out of a jobs once and he gave me $500 and never asked for it back, this made me comfrotable to buy him his flight but he was so stubborn in paying me back. This should have been a red flag.
I also caught him in many many many lies, big or small. He would elaborate alot on these lies and i always knew he was lying because he would talk about something alot, like he would always tell me that he wouldnt talk to any of his ex’s , sure enough I went on his phone and saw that he was talking to her. He cried and apologized and said it would never happen again.
I hacked into all of his social media, emails , phone and I NEVER phone ANYTHING not a dam thing that would indicate that he was cheating on me but he was such a good liar i dont know if he might have had another phone just to cheat ..
any ways time went on he still didnt pay me back from that flight and he was lying about all sorts of stuff, about his job and the moves he was making there etc. we would argue bc he was very anti-social and was a functioning alcoholic, he also never talked about his daughter and taht worried me , he said his ex wife remarried and her new husband and him didnt get along.
He never pretended to like the same things I liked but would be more than willing to do anything I wanted to do .. and was willing to go to church with me and wait until marriage never really pressured me to have sex with him except for one night when I drank too much he talked me into it and after it was over I kinda passed out and he continued , this disturbed me but he assured me he did it bc he loved me , i was crying adn all he was doing was thinking about how happy he was that he accomplished that with me. ..
Anyways, the relationship went on and when he drank he was mean , accused me of cheating or just talked really bad to me, we only saw each other once a week but who knows what it would have been like if we saw each other everyday. He also was lazy , he would go to work but if they did not call him to work he wouldnt go and he would always have an excuse as to why he wasnt going. I found out that to be so weird espcially bc he purchased a new car while we were together and he said he got the car bc it looked like mine (weird)
We had many ups and downs but he was always there for me making me feel like i was his queen , like i was so smart and better than him (this is why I am so confused)
The reason why I think he’s a sociopath is because (besides what I already mentioned) An aunt of his that I also knew since my childhood unexpectedly passed away as she was vacationing back in our home town , we took the 1st flight over there when she passed and it seemed like he did not care, made jokes the whole plane ride there and then did not bother to go to her viewing , he even got mad at me bc of something silly and locked himself in his room and did not care to be at the funeral until I went to go get him . he did not cry and was just worried about drinking. this was a woman who basically raised him, i can tell when someone is sad and does not know how to express it , he was cold and had no pain in his eyes .
Also he used to tell everyone ANYONE that would listen how much he loved me how I am the love of his life and would go into great detail about how his love for me is ever lasting, he would bring anyone who would listen into tears , EVERYONE believed him.
In the summer he got locked up for unpaid childsupport , he told me he had been paying and that he doesnt understand how this happened and was “crying” I told him I couldnt help him but he told me that he had the money he just couldnt get to it, it was alot of money and I bailed him out. Shortly after we were to go on vacation to our home country for my birthday and he would make so many excuses not to see me before we left , saying his back hurt and other things like that but I knew it was because he did not have the $$ he promised me.
so we went to the vacation to my home country , he showered me with gifts and because he grew up there and I didnt he made it a point to show me around and show me a good time , but he started drinking while he was there and just acting like he did not care any more .. he told me he wanted to stay there a week longer than planned and we argued. My sister then told me that the birthday dinner that he started to plan for me was all a lie , he told my parents that he had put a deposit down but the restaurant owner told my parents it was a lie and that he that he actually asked him to sneak the deposit money into the total of the bill. I was shocked !
So he ended up staying there like he wanted but he did not come back when he promised me to pay me back what he owed me , its been 4 months and he is sitll there, at first i was devisted I cried to him every single day and he would just tell me to calm down that he was going to fix everythign when he came back adn that i was never going to leave him and i cried i couldnt understand why he was doing this to me , his mother assured me he did not have another woman and he was just home every day drinking , our mutual family members said the same , so I thought to myself ‘he really wants to be this lazy and not come back and pay me back?!” .. after a month of crying , suffering , not understanding why he suddenly changed why I was no longer his queen i gave up, nothing I did mattered to him any more , even threats to break up. So I blocked him , it hurt like hell, i felt like I couldnt breath i cried everyday , and he made no efforts to reach out to me .. after a month of having him blocked I got a call from child services , he now owned close to $3000 in child support i was disgusted , I unblocked him and sent him a message ending it for good and telling him that he need to pay his child support because he is in another country and there is now ANOTHER warrant for his arrest, he did not respond so I blocked him again ..
a day later , he delets my photos from is social media page and replaces it with a new girl .. A DAY LATER , obviously this was someone he already was talking to , couldnt have been for too long since he was only in the country for 2 months at this point and he was already replacing my photos with hers , the pain was unbearable , the confusion the fog i was in , the thoughts of what I thought we had , of how he loved me , of how he said he NEVER loved anyone like me , how he NEVER posted a photo of a significant other until he met me , i wanted to throw up i had tears rolling down my face constantly it was terribly , it still kind of is terrible.
and he is still over there with this new woman that now he moved into this parents house back in out home town , still no job over there , still owning my the money he owns me and now basically living with a new woman who is only in her early 20s.
He reached out to me via social media right before he changed the photos but it looked like he accidentally did that (but he prob did it on purpose) , he also facetimed me on a Saturday morning which I also found to be weird. Other than that no contact at all , he does not care that we have over 200 people as mutual friends on social media, he does not care that my parents could also see how he easily replaced me after we opened up our homes and our hearts to him and he does not care that i gave him all of my savigns.. he has no remorse no empathy to my pain and tears.
Not sure if this is your typical sociopath but I have nothing else to explain his behavior with .. please help
am devastated. I was in a relationship with a man for 8 months. It moved very quickly (red flag) he talked of marriage,etc. He sold his house and moved in with me ( he has money and was building a new house) but the tension was horrible. His last girlfriend killed herself with alcohol and drugs. He was a retired firefighter and a hero, definitely a rescuer. He was wonderful at first but had an edge to him (boston) he had a short fuse but I attributed it to a Boston/firefighter thing. Anyhow, he slowly let me know he didn;t like my best friend, then my son, and then my daughter who lived with me. He created lots of tension.
He also provided me with “the Dream” though. We had incredible chemistry and he made me feel like I was the most amazing woman in the world! Then he slowly began to subtly accuse me of men being interested in me…not cheating but close. He also talked about if I wanted a “hall” pass??? To which I said no.
We had our ups and downs and he would give me the silent treatment but I thought we could work it out…we always did ( I would usually beg) Then, one day we had a big fight and it is over! He used to basically spend all of his time with me but less and less. I discovered he was supporting some woman who was escaping an abusive relationship and he was going to rent an apartment for her until his house was built!!! I had no idea she existed.
I was blindsided! due to some past comments I told his friend I was thinking of getting a restraining order ( he told the ex) and advised him never to contact me again. I decided not to do it because I realize he will leave me alone and I wanted to make sure my motives were not out of spite. Initially I was afraid but then realized he would not. He is afraid he will lose contact with his daughter if i do.
I have emailed him 4 times for closure and now I look like the crazy one! It is horrible. I contacted his ex-wife and she said she wanted to warn me and past girfirends but did not want to appear to be the crazy ex. She said RUN DON’T WALK.
I am devastated! Even though i know it is for the best i just am sad, numb, obsessed, sad that he will give every good thing he had to her! Why I was not god enough! I know I did question him a lot towards the end, he said “I got out of line.”
Crazy thing is, I think he would have kept me on the side for sex without telling me! Thankfully a friend of his finally told me!
It has been 6 days since I found out! I want this pain to end
am devastated. I was in a relationship with a man for 8 months. It moved very quickly (red flag) he talked of marriage,etc. He sold his house and moved in with me ( he has money and was building a new house) but the tension was horrible. His last girlfriend killed herself with alcohol and drugs. He was a retired firefighter and a hero, definitely a rescuer. He was wonderful at first but had an edge to him (boston) he had a short fuse but I attributed it to a Boston/firefighter thing. Anyhow, he slowly let me know he didn;t like my best friend, then my son, and then my daughter who lived with me. He created lots of tension.
He also provided me with “the Dream” though. We had incredible chemistry and he made me feel like I was the most amazing woman in the world! Then he slowly began to subtly accuse me of men being interested in me…not cheating but close. He also talked about if I wanted a “hall” pass??? To which I said no.
We had our ups and downs and he would give me the silent treatment but I thought we could work it out…we always did ( I would usually beg) Then, one day we had a big fight and it is over! He used to basically spend all of his time with me but less and less. I discovered he was supporting some woman who was escaping an abusive relationship and he was going to rent an apartment for her until his house was built!!! I had no idea she existed.
I was blindsided! due to some past comments I told his friend I was thinking of getting a restraining order ( he told the ex) and advised him never to contact me again. I decided not to do it because I realize he will leave me alone and I wanted to make sure my motives were not out of spite. Initially I was afraid but then realized he would not. He is afraid he will lose contact with his daughter if i do.
I have emailed him 4 times for closure and now I look like the crazy one! It is horrible. I contacted his ex-wife and she said she wanted to warn me and past girfirends but did not want to appear to be the crazy ex. She said RUN DON’T WALK.
I am devastated! Even though i know it is for the best i just am sad, numb, obsessed, sad that he will give every good thing he had to her! Why I was not god enough! I know I did question him a lot towards the end, he said “I got out of line.”
Crazy thing is, I think he would have kept me on the side for sex without telling me! Thankfully a friend of his finally told me!
It has been 6 days since I found out!
I am a strong judge of character. My aunt told me as a child I was very observant. I met this guy after my divorce. Nothing special about him, he just seemed attractive to me. I actually asked him out. But after two months I knew something wasn’t quite right. My friends and family just thought I was still in love with my ex-husband. My gut told me immediately. I compare sociopath behavior similar to racism. It’s done so precisely that if you tell someone, they think you are being picky. I think that was the hardest for me because I would try to tell close friends and even my doctor and they laugh. I have been away from mine for about two full years now. All I want to say is you do get stronger. I no longer crave for this man. When I look back now, the sex wasn’t even that good. My situation was different in such he never really abused me. My sign is Leo and I mean I am a true Leo. If I feel like you are threatening me or my kids, I lash out. I had all of the symptoms. After leaving I felt like I was in a fog. I felt like I was always in a pool of water that was right up to my chin and ears and I was struggling to stay a float. I must admit though, I feel so sorry for this man. I could not imagine leaving the way that he does and I really feel that he had a horrible horrible childhood and mine was fantastic….I am a 60s child my family had ups and downs…but we were a family. My parents made Christmas where me and my sister could smell Santa on Christmas morning. I look at my life as a blessing. Because of my situation I do now have difficulty trusting and I place people on the spectrum. I know that we are all on that spectrum….but not like this poor monsters. There is one thing that I wish….there was a public service announcement. I mean I was love bombed in the beginning….he had boyish ways, I felt like he was attracted to men….the list goes on and on. I did everything after my reading that you are not. I told him his life didn’t correlate….I didn’t know who he was….I went through the hovering where he returned every card I had ever given him. I would ask him about calendar dates that things were supposed to be scheduled and he would tell me that he already told me and I have the memory of an elephant. Oh….I work with kids with personality disorders and my daughter does too….but she considers me an expert with SPath behavior….LOL I am thinking about returning to school because of my experience….I am definitely going to write a book about it. Oh….they say sociopaths blurt out little things about their past, each time the person was with did this….and he would say it about someone else….in my mind….I was thinking it was really about him….I never really trusted him…but I have learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life and I have compassion for him….but he can never ever come back…..I will never ever talk to him again….I cried more tears over this man than I have in my entire lifetime.
So my story is probably a little more fortunate as i held my emotions back for the duration of the short relationship. I met this guy who at first seemed to be a decent bloke. Our first few dates were brilliant. We had awesome intellectual conversations, great laughs and even took things slow physically, but something felt off…
I remember my friends and family thought I was being pessimistic and paranoid when I’d express my doubts because on the surface things were going well. He was being calm, respectful and setting me up for a supposedly stable relationship.
But as things progressed the signs became clearer with each date. He was progressively more full of himself and jokingly stated he enjoyed making people feel uncomfortable. He once unsuccessfully tried pressuring me into things in the bedroom then denied ever doing so afterward. He would also gaslight any offensive comments he would make against homosexuals and black people. He even subtlely tried to undermine my career. all these red flags were only 10% of what he said, the rest was adoration, flattery and small talk. I was still being love bombed, I guess. The final straw was when he came up with an elaborate story about hunting baby animals and then laughed it off as a casual lie to simply test my emotional reaction to it. Much to his disappointment, I work in healthcare and I’m more than aware of the DSM criteria for antisocial personality disorder. So 3 weeks in, I dumped his sorry ass, which came as a bit of a shock to his system. Looking back there were more signs even from date one that I probably ignored courtesy of infatuation. It feels strange being a near victim to something Ive seen from an academic perspective. After I realised his true nature, I felt anger at almost being cheated into a toxic relationship and horror at all the poor women he tortured in the past. Now I mainly just feel relieved I escaped before it was too late. My advice, trust your gut and know the signs of a sociopath. Nobody deserves to be a victim of their awful ways.
Hello. I just found this website and I was so weirdly happy to find out about other stories similar to mine. My heart really goes out to all people who suffered and are suffering from awful treatment, but I am also glad to know that I am not alone. I really thought I was crazy and things were seriously wrong with me.
My husband left me 4 months ago without any warning.
We were married for 5 years. When I met my husband we were both going through breakups. I left my ex and he was dumped in a cruel way (as he told me). Everything escalated really fast, he told me how he really liked me in few weeks time after we got together. He was so magic that I thought he is the best person in the world. I lived in France doing my degree then and he came to visit for a long weekend, but everything was so crazy and passionate he stayed for a month. We talked a lot, he was terribly depressed after his breakup and I was trying hard to get him out of his mood. Then we were both flying UK-France to see each other, I left my uni to join him in London. We got married a year later. We just wanted be together, I told him I wanted a family and children, it was my biggest dream and he told me he wanted the same. He promised to start family with me after our honeymoon of 4 months around South America – this way his biggest dream and I agreed to that. After we came back from the honey moon, he postponed making family for a few months and when the time came, he told me he did not want it at all and that he’ll never have children. I was broken to pieces but after thinking long and hard I decided that I loved him so much that I’d do anything to be with him. After some time we moved to Mexico for his work, I was very excited a first, but he became really stressed and irritated, he would work really long hours and in the evening would snap at me for any small reason, I thought it was the pressure at work. Eventually it got so bad that I told him I wanted to go back to London, I left in a hurry due to some important issue he agreed to give his notice at work and follow me after one week. He never came in a week. He told me it would really ruin his reputation at work if he’d leave so soon. I became desperate and he became really cruel and short tempered with me on the phone and slowly drifted from me. One day he said he needed few days off (no contact at all), so he can think clearly and make a decision if he wanted to be with me. Then he came over at Christmas, he needed to be present at an interview with me, so he came over. One night I do not know why, I picked up his work phone and checked his messenger. He was chatting to some woman from Mexico saying that he loved her and that how much he wanted to be with her in Mexico and not with me in the UK, there was so much going on between them. I confronted him immediately, he deleted the whole thing off his phone in front of me, he cried like a child and said that he acted like a scumbag and he did not know how to explain his actions. He begged me to forgive him and said there was nothing physical between him and that woman. I believed him almost immediately. He came back to the UK shortly and we carried on normal life.
Then in February this year he told me again he needed time off to think as he was not sure if he wanted to be with me, I agreed and asked him to make his final decision as I could not take the pain anymore. He came back saying he really loved me and could not imagine his life without me. However, one day in July I came back from work (he did not work for 9 months then as he was too stressed and needed a break, he really hated working – out of 5 years we were married he worked only 2, I only realise that now!) the flat was half empty with all his stuff gone, he’d left me a short note saying that our relationship did not feel right for him anymore. It was a total shock to me as everything was fine and we did not argue or fight, the night before he left he said he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives. I fell into pieces. He called few days later and we both cried a lot, he said he thought he was stopping me from achieving my dreams, he said he felt tremendously guilty for promising me family and then changing his mind, that leaving me was the biggest mistake he’d ever made, he begged me to forgive him and that I did not deserve all this pain and that from now on he’ll do anything to make me happy and that he wanted a family with me. I really believed him… again. We agreed to go travelling for two weeks, he left a bit earlier to surf and we met a week later. After two day spent together he told me it was all a big mistake and that he did not want me after all. That really broke me as a person, I could not believe what was happening, I was desperately trying to talk and figure out what did I do wrong. I called him, I wrote emails, I texted. He never replied to any of my emails and was really quite over the phone. When I asked what did I do wrong, he’d say that we are just too different and that I did not make many friends or life of my own in London, that I did not want to stay out late with him drinking with some mates. It was an agony I felt like a horrible person and failure as a wife. However then I managed to get access to his WhatsApp messages and I found out that he is in love with another woman, who he met while waiting for me while surfing. He told her exactly same things word-to-word that he told me when we just met. Even that he wants a family and children with her… it was unbelievable!
I found out that the person I adored and was married to for years turned into an awful person I could not recognise… He was talking horribly to some of his new surfing friends about women in general, that they are there just to be ‘put through the mattress’ (this was shocking as he was always so respectful of everyone). The strangest thing for me was that with different people he was a completely different person, to our mutual friends he told how sad he was that we split up and to his new travelling friends he told how incredibly happy he was to break up with me. To his new ‘love’ he said that it will take me ages to get over him. It looks like for every person there is a different guy, It was so odd.
After I learnt all this I was so disturbed I thought I must be so insane, or how else could he be so broken. I could not grasp the idea how the most amazing person I have ever met in my life my best friend could say and do these things.
My sister helped me through massively in this, she repeatedly told me that there is nothing wrong with me that he is a jerk. She could not understand why I have not left him ages ago. Funny enough some of our mutual friends after hearing my story told me some things about him that I would never expect to hear, after all I was the only person who thought that he was an angel from the sky. Looking back I do realise that every decision we took was ruled by him, what was best for him, but I was happy to do that because I thought it would make him very happy.
The pain was (and is still sometimes) unbearable. I turned to the internet I bought a book, Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark, on the forum of her website I learnt about narcissists and sociopaths and was shocked of the details and the description of those characters. However I am a bit worried, what if I am the one who is a sociopath or something like that and that’s the reason why he ran away? He told me he could not do his own things because he felt guilty if I was at home waiting for him. I was the one so obsessed about him, stalking him (although I really thought he was deeply depressed) and was trying so hard to talk to him and get him back! I broke into his whatsapp… I think about him every day and miss him. We spent all our free time together and we were truly best friends, all I ever wanted was him. I also really want to hurt him now so I am planning to apply for assets split through a court during our divorce as I know that this will be the most awful thing for him – to lose any of his money – it will kill him. I have very little friends and prefer to be on my own most of the time normally. I can get really short tempered sometimes, but if I do I always apologise after I cool down. However I really care about people and I’d never hurt anyone deliberately. I am very emotional person, could I be a sociopath or something similar?
Hi everyone,
I’ve just recently finally come to the conclusion that my boyfriend of 2+ years is most likely a sociopath and I’d like to share my story and ask for some advice.
It will probably be hard to keep this short but it should be a rather interesting (yet unfortunately true) story:
My boyfriend is 15 years older than me. I am 27. I am German, he is African American. We met in the US where we both worked together, which is where we met. Before I really knew him he already came across as the super funny guy at work who made everybody love and was messing around a lot. I loved when he made me laugh. I was not interested in him romantically. Eventually he started to show interest in me and started asking me questions about myself, what I like to eat and he asked me out.
I caved in eventually when he said “he wasn’t looking for anything either” and he took me out for lunch and because I had such a wonderful time and laughed more than in a long time I agreed to go out with him again. And after he took me to church he took me shopping and bought me a dress and a sweater saying that he doesn’t expect anything from this but he enjoys Doing something nice for me. That day he also told me “gosh you’re so pretty”
He didn’t push anything other than spending more time.
The following day already we decided to have a movie night and it was the first time we had Sex. He was extremely open to me and exposed himself and told me stories. I was at his place almost every night that week. In the beginning it was still only fun for me and my feeling told me that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with this guy. Yet, he made me feel so good and loved and pretty that I just couldn’t stay away from him and eventually I agreed to be his girlfriend. Apart from my doubts about age difference and him already having almost adult kids I was so in love and almost couldn’t believe that he existed. He even convinced me he would go vegan, which was very important for me. He used that again and again to be more attractive to me. He showered me with love and promised to do all the things my exes didn’t do right much better, because he is a “real man” and knows how to treat a woman and how to keep a relationship alive. “Happy wife, happy life.” “You need to keep dating her.” “But these young dudes all don’t know that and the girl ends up bored and unhappy”.
He was talking to my soul. That was exactly what I didn’t like about my previous relationships. He just knew so well how to handle me.
He convinced my parents that he is a great guy in just once short Skype call.
The first thing that was sort of off was a text I got from him later one night saying “come to the door”. I thought he surprised me and opened my front door but nobody was there. So I sent “???” And he told me that it was the name of a song he had to learn for his band.
Strange enough but I let it slide.
After 3 months of dating my parents agreed to pay him a ticket to come to Germany with me, after Christmas. We had the most amazing time. He met all my family and most of my friends. When we got back in January things started to go off more. We started to fight and he started to almost attack me verbally. “You have to grow up. You’re very immature.” One time, while celebrating Valentine’s Day, in the car, the argument we had made him so mad as to tell me he was going to just drive me home now or have me get out of the car and that he’s done that with other women before. He told me somebody older or different would have more things in common with him and it would be easier. So I angrily told him to go find himself somebody older then and he got even more mad.
From then things went up and down.
He also was still texting with his ex, which he always said he wants to be friends with his exes, because they had an important part in his life and he still likes her. But something was weird and we he got mad at me for stupid little things.
So one day I decided to snoop in his emails (which I am not proud about). I found emails from his ex wanting him back, but also I found out about her being still upset about this lady (let’s call her Samantha)
I only found one email from Samantha and it said something about a realtor sending them places.
I felt guilty and forgot about it, for a while.
There’s so much to tell, I hope I’m not boring you.
Sometimes he borrowed his uncles car, a nicer car than his. He told me he had this job driving people of a company and for that he used his uncles car. One time he was driving that same car and he had told me it was a clients car (that was in the very beginning), after that he always said it was his uncles.
One time I saw Samantha called his phone and I recognized her name and asked him and he shook me off and said “uh, just work people.”
Later I saw a pic of them in his phone closely together. So he said it was some work event. He always had an explanation but even though I wanted to believe him I had this nagging feeling and when I couldn’t stop that I eventually told him that I had snooped in his emails and wanted to know who Samantha really was. He really just told me the same thing again and then got really mad at me for what I did and saying he doesn’t know what’s next. We took a walk and then he told me to go home. He barely talked to me for two weeks and I was extremely sorry and showed him that and told him so many times. Then we started seeing each other again but then he told me we couldn’t be boyfriend and girlfriend right now until I get my visa (which I was in the process of applying for, since I’m not American) I was extremely hurt and driving home crying I had a car accident that day. (Luckily nothing serious).
He said he was gonna be there for me when I need to talk but we weren’t officially together… Fast forward a few months and I still didn’t have my visa. Things always went up and down, but somehow we were together again and he spoiled me for my birthday with lots of expensive gifts.
One day he said he had to get the car from his uncle for this event he had to go to, so I said I was gonna come and he immediately said “no!”
I asked why and he said that I had to stay home because I was sick. It took him a few hours to come back home to his apartment where I was waiting. While I was there I was googling Samantha’s name and found out that she bought the same car model and the Vpn number showed. So when he was asleep I went to the garage and checked the number on the car and it matched.
So it was her car all along.
I was so confused, sitting on the bed and when he woke up I hesitantly told him what I had found out. He made up some super weird excuses of why he told me it was his uncles car and said he was so sorry.
The next day he got mad at me for not being able to say what was wrong with me right away because I was scared to confront him and then he got mad because I said I was a good detective and he better not lie to me. He told me if I wanted to play detective I can just leave and then he had me pay for his fancy dinner for the stress that I caused HIM. Hahaha
One time he went on tour and my mom was visiting me and we agreed me and her can stay at his place while he was gone. We cleaned the place a few days earlier and I cleaned the light switches the wrong way so they would turn on and off. I was tired from a long day of work. He told me to do it different and I accidentally did it wrong again. He freaked out on me and then commanded me not to touch anything else that day. So I just walked out to get some fresh air. When I came back all my things (ALL my things) that I had at his place were thrown on the balcony (including frozen food and tooth brush) and he had locked me out for just walking out on him. He told me to go to my car and wait or just go home. I felt like a dog!!
Of course a day later after crying to my girlfriend about it HE told ME to apologize to him, which I did….
While he was on tour I saw a picture of the band and suddenly noticed that Samantha was in the picture too!!! I was so alarmed and panicked. I called him and he explained to me that she was driving with them because she had business to do wherever they were going and who wouldn’t want a free ride. He also told
Me he didn’t know about her coming. The thing is the tour was across the US. So flying would’ve ended up much cheaper than traveling for days and finding hotel accommodation for her!!!?? But I wanted to believe him.
Sometimes he would hide my razor somewhere super weird. One time there was a hair tie that wasn’t mine, he said it came out of the car. Sometimes there was hair and to this day there is hair that doesn’t belong to me and he now laughs about me seeing things… Initially he had three different excuses about the hair, all of which were, well, excuses. That year we decided to go home to Germany for Christmas together, since the year before we weren’t together for the actually holidays. Shortly after booking our tickets he told me he had a gig now and he can’t come.
So then this year is when shit really started hitting the fan.
My gut feeling made me feel so awful that I asked God for a sign to tell me if I should be with him or not. I had a dream that next morning of him and her In bed together. When we went to a grocery store I looked over his shoulder and saw something that looked like a heart from her in a text. I felt unease the entire day.
When I got out of the shower earlier than him I wanted to relieve myself by checking his texts to see that I’m wrong.
But I wasn’t. There were hearts and kisses and they called each other babe. I started hyperventilating and as he came out to see what was wrong I slapped him on his right cheek. Once. He said American people call each other babe and I would know that if I watched football. Then he called the cops. Then he went outside and I followed him. Then he asked me if I really thought he actually called the cops. I was stupid enough to wait around and sure enough they came. And me being honest telling what I did. They asked him and he clearly stated he wanted me arrested and that we now broke up. I spent two nights in a call with prostitues, crying, not being able to sleep or eat. I guess I had my answer as to “give me a sign God”
He was extremely disrespectful to my parents when they called him about my whereabouts as they haven’t heard from me.. They hated him after and so did I. I refused to talk to him when he called me when I got out. Saying he was so sorry and he wanted to talk and that he tried to get me back out… But they didn’t let him.
I wanted him to be able to make everything good but I didn’t see a way. I was convinced he cheated.
He forced me to meet to “get closure”. He kept my things that he gave me for my birthday (iPad, which he searched and then deleted everything…) he said I would only get them back if I met with him one last time. He also said he wanted to get a restraining order against me. I met with him. And then he cried. And said how sorry he was and that he wanted to surprise me with moving me in to his new place and that from now on I could get the password for his phone and everything and that I could meet the people he worked with, I.e. Samantha…. I cried too but I couldn’t fall for it, so I left him behind in tears, while crying so hard myself.
I blocked him and started to feel better.
Until one day I unblocked him because of a law office date because of my case and he contacted me and said he had to tell me something.
So he told me the whole thing was he was doing illegal business with that woman Samantha and that’s why he was so secretive and why he couldn’t tell me anything. He never told that anybody he said and he convinced me he never cheated on me and that he’s so glad the whole truth is finally out. We talked the whole night on the phone for at least 8 hours and then I agreed to meet with him again and of course I got sucked back in.
He said he was gonna do everything better. Blablabla.
You know how the story goes. It’s been almost a year since that incident and things are worse than ever.
There’s still hair in his bathroom. Once time I found panty liners in his trash (which I saw from the outside of the bag)
He said he didn’t know what it was and that it was trash from another car he borrowed from his uncle… Because he doesn’t have a car. He’s actually driving mine now. His got taken away again after driving without a license again….
Anyway, he told me I’m crazy for sniffling in his trash…
I also found a receipt from a clothing store one time with her name on it. And it also had the two new shirts on it that he showed me he got. It was all on one receipt under her name.
He told me they just had some time to kill and went shopping and got really mad at me when I told him I didn’t feel ok with that.
He always tells me I have trust issues, that if I can’t trust him I just need to leave. He tells me that if this relationship will fail it’s because of me. He always says how age is just a number and talks about our future and kids and and… And then he says we’re too different and he doesn’t even want any more kids and I should just find some young vegan guy, he doesn’t even want to go vegan, and I don’t even like the things he likes… He gets mad when I’m emotional during my period. He tells me to go home then. He tells me I’m a cry baby when I cry or when I’m emotional. He rarely comforts me. He always says how everybody thinks he’s so great. His closet his crazy amazing and organized and he has tons of expensive shoes and cologne to always make a good expression. Yet he has no furniture other than an air mattress and some chairs.
He tells me that no other guy would be able to handle me and that I would be lost without him and that I need him.
Of course I still wasn’t allowed to move in with him and I never got to meet any work people and I also didn’t get his phone password.
He told me stories about his exes and what he did to them and how he justifies it. That he cheated on one of them for a year. That he had them get out of the car. That he threw out his wedding ring of the car before because he was angry….
Gosh why am I with this person.
Anyway, to sum this all up. I still don’t have my visa. It’s been a long process and the paper work just got approved. I’m in Germany. He’s in the us. My lawyer sent the papers to him to send it to me. He made sure he would get them. He said I wouldn’t see him if I had them send it to somebody else. He said he wanted a new fragrance for sending me the package oversees. I asked him to do it immediately.
He kept saying it wasn’t there yet and I should just be patient and not ask if they had sent it already. It’s probably because of the holiday chaos. Two days ago he finally “got it” and sent it to me. I asked my lawyer for the tracking number because the thing felt odd and the tracking shows that it had already gotten there 10 days earlier than what he claimed. He also said he was checking every day in front of his door and by the mailbox…
He must not want me there for Christmas… I’m just floored. I know now I want to break up with him. Or have him break up with me. But he still owes me money. And he has my car. And I’m afraid he will be angry and make any false accusations to any officials who might refuse my entry into the country again.
I don’t know how to do this and I’d appreciate help and advice if you have any.
I by far haven’t said everything there is to tell, and I actually wanted to ask for advice whether you think I’m dealing with a sociopath here, but writing this it became even more obvious to me.
I’d appreciate all feedback.
Thank you for reading if you got this far!!
Much much love!
KindSpirit
Good Morning,
I am so thankful that I stumbled upon this site. I thought that I was going through this alone. My ex has left me totally devastated so I think sharing my experience with help.
We were together for 1 1/2 years, we were practically inseparable, I had many of my things at his home and we had found a place to move into and start planning our lives together. Then one night I went to his home to wait for him for our date and it all came unravelled. The phone rang and it was his ex (we had discussed her in the past and he said that she had cheated on him with his old college friend that had eventually married him) when she called I was on my cell with him. He pretended to be shocked that she was calling and told me to answer. She asked who I was and I told her that I was his girlfriend. She told me that she was his girlfriend of 5 years. He could hear her and started yelling that she was a liar and told me to conference her in. I did and he yelled at her that she was lying and that I was his girlfriend. She asked if I spent time with his daughter and his mother and he said of course she’s my girlfriend and continued to call her crazy. Of course she was not…here’s how the night went.
– While on the phone she drove to his house, I opened the door and she holds up her cellphone showing me text messages that he’d sent to her just a few hours ago.
– She told me to look on the kitchen table where I would find her daughter’s clock that he was repairing for her…it was there.
– He’s sent her the same text messages that he was sending me about relocating to Denmark.
– He finally arrives home, continues to call her crazy and asked her to leave. I later found out from her that he had threatened to kill her if she came to his house to confront me.
– She goes to her car but doesn’t leave, he calls the police, she continues to knock and ring the bell but finally leaves before the police arrive.
– He and I talk and he convinces me that since he sent her away and I was the one with the key and the one that he was moving with that I was obviously his girlfriend and she just could not accept it.
– He claimed that the clock belonged to his daughter and that the only reason that she knew it was there is because he was on the phone with her and mentioned that he was working on it. (Mind you he said that they were no longer friendly)
– His story didn’t add up and I later noticed that he had blocked three phone numbers on my cell via the online account. I called them and they belonged to her, we agreed to meet.
– The man that he had claimed that she was married to was completely made up. My ex would tell me stories about his college days with this guy, yet he didn’t even exists.
– The rental property that he claimed he owned actually belonged to her.
– He’d tell me stories of his cousin and her ex boyfriend, these stories were actually about this other girlfriend.
– After she left that night he sent her an email saying that he had saved her life by sending her away because I was a government agent who probably would have killed her if she’d gotten too close.
– He also claimed to be working for the government as he was indebted to them for investigating his father’s death.
-He continued to assure me that I was who he loved, eventually admitting to not breaking things off with his ex. The longer I stayed the more lies I uncovered, this went on for a month until I could no longer take it. I am now relying on prayer and therapy to get over this sociopath. I feel so violated and just numb over the entire experience. I spent so much time with his family and they all knew about this other woman. I feel like a complete fool, but in hindsight after reading these posts the warning signs were there.
1. He would go MIA from time to time but claimed that he had copper toxicity and that he would black out from time to time unaware of where he’d been or what he’d done.
2. Whenever he would act suspiciously and I would question him about it he would start yelling and swearing at me to totally divert the attention away from the issue at hand.
3. He always told stories about how tough and dangerous he was even though he was quite slight.
4. I’d receive text messages from his daughter that I was sure were coming from him as a cover for something that he was doing.
5. Although he made 6 figures he always seemed to have financial issues, accounts being frozen, lost ATM cards…this happened once every two to three months.
6. Last minute business trips where I’d only receive text messages but rarely talk to him. I later found out that on at least one occasion he was with this other woman. She also confirmed that the dates that he told her he was out of time, he was in fact with me. He’d post photos of us all over FB which made me feel secure in our relationship, everyone know we were together (she didn’t have an account).
I am struggling to get over this ordeal but it is really fresh. I hate that a part of me still loves him but when those feelings creep up I have to remind myself that I have no idea who this man really is. It’s tough but hopefully this forum will help, hopefully my story will help someone as well.
This has got to be the hardest thing that’s happened to me and to get over. I want so desperately to just be happy but I still love this man very much!! Every other week I’m determined to completely move on, but he’s so charming and know just what to do to pull me back end. I haven’t experienced a lot of what you all have ( no aggression, no violence) but plenty of lies, deceit and out of the blue ignoring which can go on for weeks. It’s hard for me to turn my back on someone that I love. Once I love you I love with all my heart.
You have to walk away and do no contact to fully heal and recover Cindy. You really have to do this, or the circle will go round and round. It will never end as they can continue forever, playing the game.
If you want to move on from him, you need to break free.
I know…. it’s just hard. He seems so normal most of the time.
Is there anything regarding helping kids/teens with a parent who is a sociopath? I am struggling right now with my kids with my ex who is a sociopath. They know he is a pathological liar, he is emotionally unavailable, yet they really aren’t ready to accept the sociopath issue. When things get bad, I point them to websites regarding behavior and boundaries, etc. but they think I’m overreacting. Most recently their dad took over $2000 in Christmas money from his mother which he was to distribute to his kids…he kept it and said he threw it away because he hates his mom and no one understands what his parents did him….you know the drill. The kids and new wife fell for it or just don’t want to deal with it. Anyway, I’m trying the no contact deal, but having to watch my kids go through the torture and mind games. We were married 12 years and divorced 10. We have kids 18 and 15 now. He does a lot of emotional damage. I want to know how to help and equip them. Thanks!
In my case I don’t speak anything about her father (good or bad). He left me (the second time ), three years ago. My girl, then 12, ask me to not let go him on our lives again. She asked about what is happening to him, I gave her this site link and explained to her what is a sociopath. He practically is an absent figure on her life, she banned him from her facebook and on the rare instances they have contact she put limits. Thank God she is resilient, healthy and strong. Her half sisters and brothers have helped her a lot to deal with everything. I’m not judgmental when she tries to reach for him or in the rare ocasions she expect something for him.
I dated a man who I believe was either a sociopath or a drug addict (or both). We had dated briefly a couple of years ago, but that ended when he simply stopped returning calls. He caught up with me last year and while I was cautious because of how he disrespected me in the past, I agreed to meet him just to “hang out”. He looked hurt, broken, kind of a mess. I wanted to be his friend. And I was of course immediately drawn in by his sense of humor, how much we had in common, etc. “Hanging out” once a week became every three days, which became pretty much every day. when we weren’t hanging out, he was texting me me all night. I loved the conversations. I felt myself getting attached, and I tried to pull away from him. That was when he told me that he really wanted to be with me. I was awesome. He thought we were really good together. Blah blah. I ate it all up.
Within two months of us being together, he took me to his home country to spend time with him and his family, It all seemed fast, but I felt like this is what I always wanted! No complaints. We were attached at the hip. We made plans to move to Europe together. We never fought, never argued. Just joking and laughing all the time. I felt that we had the same sense of humor. He always seemed so easy going about everything.
He was practically living in my apartment after about 3 months. Still no complaints, no arguments. He had freedom to do whatever he wanted, but he still asked to stay with me every night. I never denied him.
The man dumped me over the phone right before Christmas. He stated that he had some personal issues to work out. He contacted me two weeks later because he missed talking to me, so I went to try to get closure. He told me that he couldn’t see a future with me… I was too complacent in life, I’d been stuck at the same (stable and high paying!!) job for too long. He criticized me for trying to teach myself his native language (which was what I did with the 15 min of “me time” that I was trying to give myself every day) . He looked happier than ever, and I was crushed.
I have always felt a bit isolated, but this guy seemed like the only person on the planet who was JUST LIKE ME so I ignored all the red flags. He left me feeling empty and hurt, wondering if I wasn’t good enough to keep my soulmate. I felt like he saw something in me that was so repulsive that it wasn’t even worth an attempt to work things out.
I don’t think a normal relationship would move so fast, feel so ecstatic, then end so abruptly without him even giving me a chance to defend myself.
The offer of friendship still stands, but something doesn’t feel right I don’t think I should get in touch with him.
Thank you for this site and sorry this is so long. This 8 month relationship has taken up way too much of my mental energy. I met my sociopath last spring. We had that instant connection and intense sex basically on our first meeting (we’d met once for 45 minutes before he left for a business trip – he contacted me from the airport when he got back, and was at my place that afternoon). I had just split with husband and so of course was emotionally vulnerable. I’m living in a different country to mine and my sociopath was from almost the same place as me (we’re both from the Americas and living in the UK). We had other things in common, including travels to odd places and children who’d attended the same international school. I wanted fun and thought he was harmless – safe, cute, energetic, smart. But within the first weeks I sensed he was controlling because he’d want to see me when I wasn’t available and be indifferent when I was. I also sensed he was more into virtual sex than the real thing. He said he was divorced and wouldn’t tell me his name (!!) but I didn’t care because as I said, I just wanted some fun. He’s come over in the afternoons and always have to leave very quickly. Then he’d be MIA for awhile (traveled for business a lot, though that’s no excuse). I dumped him after the first month because of the control thing (he denied the virtual stuff) and because things didn’t seem to be progressing or ending. I don’t like limbo.
But a month later I contacted him and he came back that same day. We had a lovely time and things seemed okay. I then left the country for five months and figured out who he was while I was gone (lots of Googling but he’d given me the clues). I couldn’t detect any lies and he didn’t get upset that I knew who he was. He explained why he’d been secretive and it made sense (he also claimed to have a stalker and for that reason never gave out his phone number). He apologized for any angst he caused me. Once I had his name, I figured out where he worked. I know who his ex is, who is kids are, where he lives etc. I couldn’t find any obvious lies. His profession is what he said it was, his youngest still attends the school, he lives apart from his ex. He pursued me relentlessly once I was away. I never initiated contact during that period, and I have 750 emails.
The whole time (5 months) he kept me hooked via email (!!). It was stressful but I figured I’d see when I returned whether there was anything real. During this period, he kind of tricked me into virtual sex. The first time was fine – fun, even – but then he went MIA for the umpteenth time. He returned only to pick up where he’d left off, as if nothing happened. He’d never apologize and I’d never bring it up because we never discussed out relationship and weren’t “exclusive.”
For the next two months he was in pretty constant contact but began to get aggressive and focused on masturbating all the time. He had a business trip to where I was at the beginning of December. He spent a month making sure we’d meet up, all the while more and more focused on his cock. (The whole thing kind of fascinated me, I admit.) He began to get irritated when I mentioned condoms. He didn’t want to use them even though he’d given me no indication that he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and we’d been separated for four months. When the day came for us to meet he cancelled, after constant emails making sure I’d be available. I could tell he was lying about the reason but I didn’t say anything. He emailed a few days after that and I never answered.
When I returned a month later, he contacted me 3 hours after my plane landed. He made up a reason – he thought I was still in X place – just checking in etc. But in fact he knew exactly when I was returning almost to the hour because I’d told him two months previously. As we “chatted” I said I wanted to see him but was sick of email. He asked my availability and then said I probably wouldn’t want to see him. I asked why not and he told me that his ex wanted to reconcile. Obviously not divorced but rather separated (big lie). He also told me that he’d started an “emotional relationship” with someone else and that his life had “changed completely” over the past two months. I think he half expected me to continue but I made it clear that I was not interested (didn’t know what triangulation was at the time but now I know he has NPD). I wrote him a “closure” email – not angry, just explaining. He answered even though I told him not to. I then flew off the handle – told him he was controlling and that I felt sexually violated – that he’d cancelled our last meeting because he preferred virtual sex. He didn’t respond and that was it. I went No Contact. I basically “left” him but he also discarded me. This was only a few weeks ago.
About a week ago I was on a dating site and I received a message. I answered before I realized who it was. Of course it was him. What was he doing on a dating site if his life had changed so dramatically, I asked. He said “looking for you.” This after I’d basically ripped him a new onein our final communication! His initial message responded to the only part of my profile that was a veiled (kind of jokey) reference to him. It was the last thing on my profile so he’d obviously read it pretty carefully. I told him he was acting a bit psycho, that he had a million ways to get in touch with me. He responded that he was “kidding” about looking for me – that he’d written it quickly because he was at work. But he still messaged me for no reason. I didn’t respond to his last message and then deactivated my profile because he was stalking me. But HOW MANY TIMES have I not responded and he returns?
I just started dating someone else but I miss my psycho every second of every day and I have no idea why or why I am struggling so hard with NC. The relationship wasn’t that long, we didn’t see each other that much. I know it’s an addiction. I know he’s a narcissist. I know he lacks empathy. I know he’s controlling and manipulative. I know that he triangulates. I know he’s auto-erotic. I know all of these things because I’ve read a lot the past few weeks (I recommend Sam Vaknin to anyone interested in narcissism). But I STILL MISS HIM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY and somewhere in my head I think he absolutely must miss me, that he’ll realize he was wrong, and that he’ll come back – not as a stalker but as the authentic self I did catch glimpses of. What is wrong with me???
Valerie, my saga is almost identical to yours with the exception of the virtual sex thing ( mine preferred the real thing ). Nothing is wrong with you, were manipulated and tricked. I’ve asked myself 100s if times ” what is wrong with you”? I asked myself that as recent as yesterday. I also think of him EVERY DAY!!! We feel in love with the ” character “. Like your sociopath, the minute I stop contacting him and try to move on with my life he pops up and contacts me… I get this rush ( excitement) because he’s thinking of me, wants to see me!! My mind is clear that he’s horrible for me, that I must have no contact with him and move on with my life… but the heart!!! Aside from thinking about him everyday you seem to be doing ok. Keep no contact, just remember how he made you feel. I’m back to trying no contact since yesterday, I’m praying that I can stick to it this time!!
Cindyt, Thank you for your reply! I am doing pretty well. Finding it all pretty sad now, especially after the dating site bit – here is someone (him) who tells me after 8 months that he suddenly has two other women in his life. I bow out – not interested. Days later he’s on a dating site looking a bit worn and contacting me, the only one he was sleeping with. (I forgot to add in my story above that he made a point of telling me there was “no sex” with the ex or the one with whom he was having an “emotional relationship” – just lots of “drama and tears”). Obviously his life had not changed completely. He’s still looking for sex but doesn’t really want it, fears intimacy, and the combination of sex and intimacy is completely out of the question. Again it’s something he wants – just afraid to let it in. When I was away, I briefly went on the same dating site from another location and with a new profile during one of his MIAs. Not 24 hours later, he contacted me (over email). At the time, I thought it was just coincidence but that was before I’d figured all of this out. Now I think he’s keeping tabs on me all the time and everywhere. Part of him is really hurting, even if it is just a narcissistic injury. And he’s a lonely guy because he does not have an authentic connection with anyone. I once told him he seemed like two people to me – that he wore a mask. One person wanted to be loved and the other hated to be loved. All of the NPD signs were there but I had never encountered anyone like him before, and did not know what to make of it.
I found this on Quora (edited) and it describes exactly my feelings now. Maybe it will help you too: “most narcissists suffered some kind of abuse at the hands of one or both of their parents. Or even worse, they grew up in a household where maybe one caretaker abused them and the other one coddled them. Not happy but unable to look at themselves and make any kind of change. They are in hells of their own making; their rigidity trumps every thing else. Think about a caged, wild animal that is hungry: even if the caretaker who occasionally brings food sticks his hand into the cage to add more water to a bowl, the animal might lash out with a claw or bite the person. Narcissists and other PDs frequently, bite the very hands that feed them (e.g., the people who love them, etc.). It’s called abuse. Fundamentally, it’s about having grown up with a deep wound called Shame and being filled with self loathing because of it. People who hate themselves either ignore or abuse others. It’s about living in a place of fear and not love. It’s about being afraid to be loved and to love. It’s tragic in the deepest, darkest and most profound way. They don’t build anything with other people; they just use, ignore or abuse. They think that they can love but they don’t even know what love is.”
I hope you can stick to your no contact. I find it helpful to write draft emails. I have so many different ones – you asshole stop stalking me – it’s over; you’re an asshole but you’re MY asshole and I want you back; you asshole why did you ruin something that did not have to be so twisted? Etc. I’m sure you know the drill. But it’s best to think of the whole situation as tragic…
Hi Valerie…. yes, it’s tragic because they hurt us and do so much damage to us emotionally and psychologically. It’s 1:26 pm on a Saturday and I’m in bed feeling lonely, hurt and depressed. I can’t stop thinking about him, wanting him and just wanting the pain to stop!! I just want to completely put him and everything about him behind me!! It’s like being hooked on drugs or alcohol!! I haven’t heard from him since last Sunday ( I know it the best thing for me ) however I know he will pop up, I just don’t know when. He doesn’t want me, I’m something for him to do when he’s bored or just to keep me around. I really want to break from this unhealthy relationship with this guy who doesn’t care about me. I can’t get motivated to do anything positive for myself. I’m praying on it…. I’m glad that you seem to be doing ok.
Hi Cindyt, It IS an addiction. In fact, at one point I wrote to mine about this precise thing (an email I never sent). I thought he was addicted to internet porn (probably is because he travels 2-3 weeks out of the month and spends a lot of time by himself in hotel rooms all over the world), while I was addicted to his emails. I can’t speak to his side of things but he used to write at the crack of dawn because that’s when he got up for work. I began to wake to his emails, even though I couldn’t hear them arrive and even when he didn’t write. Months of early waking!!
I started to break my addiction by removing my email app from my phone and willing myself not to look at my email for two days or so at a time. It took a few weeks but I started sleeping more soundly. Of course then he’d come back and it would start all over again but I found that once I broke the addiction the first time, it was easier to see it for what it was and to understand that he had somehow rewired my brain. If you understand it as a chemical thing rather than as something abstract, like love, it’s easier to get a handle on it, at least for me. Behaviors can be just as addictive as substances.
No contact is exactly like staying away from whatever substance addicts you. It’s just staying away from a behavior rather than a substance. It does work. Your brain will heal. You just have to give it time. When mine contacted me on the online dating site – only 2 weeks ago or so – I left the conversation – left him hanging. Deactivated my account, did not write to him – just poof, disappeared. That’s what you have to do. Hardest thing in the world but it does get easier. If mine does come back, as long as I don’t engage I know I can beat this.
I also find it helpful to date other people. There are plenty of men out there. Go on a few dates. This is the kind of thing they tell you to do when you’re getting over a normal break up, but it does work even in cases of breaking with a personality disordered individual if you don’t succumb to your addiction.
Also, the tragic figure is him – not you. Think of what he is missing out on. Remember that he wouldn’t be doing this were he not so damaged. He has to live with his damaged self. You do not. His life will always be chaotic. Yours won’t. Google Sam Vaknin – Malignant Self Love. Vaknin is a narcissist himself. It’s really eye opening stuff and I am sure it will help you. To me it was like the curtain suddenly opening and everything became clear at once. Mine fits every single one of the traits Vaknin lists – from hoovering to using sex as a weapon. It’s all there.
Mine ending up on the dating site not two weeks after he had told me his life had changed, etc, and only a month after he had bombarded me with emails about meeting up while I was in another country (and the sex when we did have it was great – no doubt about it – but that’s part of the narcissism too). I realized that whereas I thought he had finally found happiness, just not with me, really nothing had changed for him. He was still looking for something he will never find because he recoils from what he is looking for. That is sad.
And yes my guy also uses sex as a weapon ( he withholds it ) and as you stated it is AMAZING with him!!! He’s actually admitted that he ignores my calls/texts and withholds sex to punish me. It’s really sad because he’s young, very attractive, intelligent, outgoing, funny, can be caring but he’s a sociopath….he will never have a normal life!! I’m older than him, I’ve tried to help him because I see what his future looks like. They don’t want help, only to use you for whatever they can get from you. I pray almost daily to be released from this hold he has on me. It’s torture sometimes.
Oh I’m clear that my guy is a Sociopath… I just have to get the strength to completely walk away FOREVER!!!
You will get there!