All sociopaths wear a mask. What this means is the person that you see, is not the person that they actually are.
A sociopath is able to be different things with different people. They have a stunning ability to quickly assess somebody and be everything that they want/need. To do this, they use charismatic charm.
Almost all sociopaths are charismatic. But some more so than others. There are two different types of sociopath.
- Charismatic
- Distempered
Whilst both are charismatic, the charismatic type is the most (obviously) charismatic of all. They turn on so much charm, it is almost obvious. If you watch them with different people they can be different people, depending what they want. They are cheesy telling you exactly what you want to hear. He plays on your ego. The bigger he thinks your ego is, (sometimes wrongfully assessed) the more compliments, he will will shower you with. Most of it is not true. He is a compulsive pathological liar, who can lie almost easier than telling the truth.
A sociopath will always assess you. You will watch them staring at you. When unnerved at why they are staring at you, they will say something like ‘I am just looking at how beautiful you are’ they say it with such sincerity, you can hardly believe that someone would use such a cheesy line and think they can get away with it. But a sociopath does. A sociopath will charm the birds out of the trees. They are masters of charm.
But there are two distinct types I have found.
The charismatic sociopath, will continue to use charm to disarm you and use you. The charisma will still be there even when the relationship is over. The mask will slip once in a while, when they go into a narcissistic rage. But usually they will lie through their teeth to tell you exactly what you want to hear. They will stay like this to the very end (at least to to your face)
The charismatic sociopath, is popular outgoing, funny, creative, good company. But always you will notice a lack of long term friends from his past. This is because he has used people up in the past, and burned bridges. The charismatic will, to your face, be delightful company. But he will almost be too charming, too smooth, too slick. It is often over the top. He will pay attention to your needs. His armour is charisma, and he has bags of it. He will charm you, and everyone around you. And he will continue to do this, to your face, until the end.
A distempered sociopath is different, in that they will also assess you, and will be very charming. Will also sit there staring, and when you say ‘what are you looking at’ will then say ‘am just looking at how beautiful you are’. But a distempered one, will once he has you lured into his web, once he has you hooked, will change. With a distempered one, you will see a different man once he has you attached to him and ‘in love’. Whilst the charismatic sociopath stays (to your face) charismatic to the end. A distempered one only remains so until he has you hooked.
Once the distempered sociopath has you hooked, the mask will slip. He will enjoy watching you confused and hurt. The man who was staring at you telling you that you are beautiful, is now telling you that you are ugly. You are so confused, and so hurt, and you think of leaving. This is not the man you fell in love with. As soon as you have had enough and are about to leave, He will then turn back on the charm, to lure you back in.
He will, for the purposes of luring you in, be the man that you (thought) you fell in love with. You will be confused. He will apologise, he will say how much you mean to him. This type of sociopath will repeat this behaviour over and over. It will feel off and on. He is sadistic and cruel. You will feel confused, so desperately wanting him to be the man that you fell in love with at the beginning. But this will never be the case. As that man does not exist, and he has no intentions of being that man. Only for long enough to lure you in, and to keep you. The rest of the time, he will emotionally and psychologically use and abuse you.
Confusing
It can be incredibly confusing, when you discover that the person you have been dating is the sociopath. He uses the mask to hide his true self, and his agenda (what he wants from you).
Often when the relationship ends, you hang on to the words that you were told, the false actions, the over the top bombardment of you, as the truth. You don’t want the reality to be true.
People around you might wonder ‘what is wrong with you?’ This person has lied, manipulated, deceived, and often cheated. You struggle to come to terms with this. After all the man that you were dating was just ‘so nice’.
Worse, is that often the sociopath continues with this nice guy act and his mask to others. So, you are led to believe that this is YOUR fault. Something that YOU have done, and therefore something that you can rectify.
With the charismatic sociopath, to your face, he will wonderful, kind, charming, right to the very end. At least to your face. `
The distempered will only keep the mask on for long enough to lure you in, in the honeymoon stage, and then give you a tiny portion of love, to lure you back, each time you try to leave, keeping you hanging on for the perfection of the initial honeymoon period, amongst this will be gaslighting, verbal and emotional abuse, and sometimes physical abuse.
Without charm, you wouldn’t be interested in a sociopath. They need charm and lies, and the mask that they wear, to gain your trust. They use their mask of charm to continue to control you, and abuse you. Without this, if you knew the actual truth about the sociopath, you would probably never be interested in him in the first place.
It can be difficult to come to terms with the fact, that is not who this man is at all. For the man behind the mask is the sociopath. Someone who is selfish, uses people, has no care for the rights or welfare of others. But of course, if you knew this, you would never have became involved with him.
Dating a Sociopath 
My ex boyfriend is a distempered sociopath.
How are you Nadine? Distempered ones can cause so much psychological damage? Really mess with your head.
One very common ploy of the psychopath is to suck you in with their sob stories. As empaths, we are very vulnerable to their pain (which is phony). My psychopath had a hearing impairment, and as a healthcare professional this really pulled on my heartstrings. He also played the “victim” regarding his divorce even though he was the perpetrator. The psychopaths zeros in on OUR compassion as a way to manipulate. So, the next time a guy tells you some sob story, say “I’m so sorry sucker,” and walk away!!!
you know there are big differences in Sociopaths and Psychopaths even though they both are in the same category, Cluster-B personality disorders in the DSM-5
I am not sure whether mine was a sociopath or not. A part of me believes that I just try to prove him “sick” and blame him in order to justify his poor behaviour (over the fact that he just wasnt interested in me enough) and another part of me finds some narcisistic traits. Surely he was higly critical, winning, judging, lying (more like withholding the truth), verbally abusive and insulting (with me and others – he said that “he just couldnt help being honest and expressing his opinions”). When I confronted him about it he would slip minor threats of leaving me, things like: “I will say whatever I want and I prefer to stay with people that understand me”.
On our honeymoon phase he would just shower me with attention and care. But then reality happened. After an incident of verbal abuse I became emotional and then he started being cold and distant. (I hear that many men are scared off when they find themselves in close relationships, or when their partner is more invested that they are, so im confused on that. My feelings tell me that he was punishing me). I left him soon after that, because no matter what I did he seemed not to understand me, my feelings or his demeaning behaviour, since he continued being aggressive, cold and aloof. Of course I never had a closure. Not even a text. Nothing whatsover. Even though we share common environments and I see him regularly. He left me with a feeling that things between us are still “hanging”. I foolisly thought that if I gave him enough time (half a year(!)) he would recognise his mistakes and apologize or even have anger burst over me. Anything that demonstrated emotions! But no. Only the silent treatment and acting like I am invisible.(And I am not sure whether this is because I hurt his ego, or if this is a narcisistic trait). Inwardly I believe that he is on hold, waiting like a predator for me to make a move and then snatch me and gain control over me.
The only thing that I am proud of, is that I stood my ground and I didnt seek him to give me an explanation or a closure and I try to move on. Enough with the power struggles. Good luck with all of you that you were caught up in situations like this. God bless you.
Thank you Joy! I feel the same way with two guys I dated. An 8 yr abusive bipolar workaholic roller coaster relationship and the divorcée man I’ve currently been seeing. I am not sure. In some light it is clear both of these guys are damaged in their ego somehow. Coming off confident one minute and very insecure the next. I believe both are likely sociopaths actually, but maybe I am reading somethings out of context, for which both seem to withhold as much as they can, so I never quiet feel secure in the relationship or their commitment level (all whilst professing no! They are committed it’s me pffft!)
Just don’t become to paranoid.
I love to give a woman that looks blue one day (thinking maybe she had a fight with her bf or parents…or what) a compliment. Without any “charm” interest. I just think people rarely care in general. In some way, if your good looking, everybody just assumes that the person knows it so well, so they never give compliments (unless they are drunk). It can be nice to just hear it on a rotten day.
I must admit that I do it less, thanks to that noia-look saying “did you just read the Game”. (Never read, never been interested). It is a bit sad, that people instinctively have become very suspicious of a lot of things.
Some gets pissed, some get curious. “It is just a nice comment and compliment. Not interested taking any of those roads”, I think to myself.
Seriously. An ex-girl of a sociopath, is pretty close to being one lighter version herself (probably goes with boys too). It is a fine line. Every body started somewhere. The good ones, and the bad ones.
Paranoia may very well be to sociopathy, what the first joint was to heroine (back in the 80’s anti-drug propaganda)
Wow, my boyfriend is the distempered sociopath. I feel so hurt and lied to, i still doubt my own mind at this point. But i have found peace away from him at my brothers, thank God!
My wife is a distempered sociopath to the nth degree. That paired with a 150 IQ makes for a horrific combination. Doesn’t matter how independent, financially stable, wise, and intelligent you are, if you’re a normal-minded person with some degree of compassion, honesty, and integrity, you’re susceptible to their agenda, one that will go to any extreme to get what’s desired.
Before I met Miss Monster, I was successful, lived comfortably [near the beach in South Florida], was independent, and would be described as constantly cheerful and positive. No financial worries. I was in good shape, cared about myself and others, spent time with family, frequently went out with my small but tight-knit group of friends, and was liked by the opposite sex. I had a magnetic personality that others enjoyed being around and felt comfortable in their own skin around. I was the strong wise one whom others admired, listened to, and sought for advise.
Fast forward 10 years (I’m now a young 40, and I know it pisses of The Monster each time someone misjudges my age):
*I live with my wife, the sociopath, in North Carolina, isolated in the middle of nowhere. *have no friends left nor have spoken to family in 5 years b/c she’s successfully isolated me from them and them from me.
*I’ve been without transportation the past 4 years after selling my car to allegedly “save her father’s house from foreclosure” (he had just passed away and his 3-bedroom manufactured home, aka doublewide, was to be given to her). The proceeds were to go toward a used Jeep Wrangler as soon as she paid me back. Instead, she burned through every cent of my Jeep money w/o my knowledge. So it’s been 4 years and still no Jeep. I realize now that she perceived my car as a threat to her control that needed to be eliminated.
*I’ve been unemployed the past 4 years. It’s impossible to get a job when you lack transportation, live in Bum**** Egypt, and have no friends or family to help you out.
*I haven’t been out of the house on my own in over 3 years, excluding the 30 minute round-trip drives she lets me take with her car [which is in my name] to the grocery store and McDonalds…… and that trip 3 years ago only happened b/c the Monster wanted something to open for her birthday, paid for via her debit card and chosen by me from a list of items she wrote down. Now she doesn’t take that chance. Even that innocent trip to Kohl’s is perceived as a potential threat to her control, and that’s something she’s worked diligently over the years to eliminate. Now she accompanies me during Bday/Xmas shopping outings like a correctional officer monitoring a convict during a good-behavior trip beyond the prison walls. She’ll sit in a chair or wonder the store, allowing me just enough leash to shop for her but not enough to make someone’s acquaintance.
Her car in my name? She wrecked it 6 months ago, used the insurance money on herself, pocketed the car payments to drive it free for 4 months in order to save up money for a new car, had her mother co-sign for it, and then allowed the car in my name to be repo’d. bye-bye what little credit I had going for me. I’m sure she’s devastated knowing that my chances of getting another vehicle or finding an apartment any time soon have taken a big hit.
*So that’s basically my life- imprisoned the past 4 years in a small house in the country, a broken spirit and gleam lost from my eyes similar to a caged animal’s, and with virtually no contact with the outside world…. with the exception of the woman holding me captive whose common form of communication involves a verbal onslaught of abuse, emasculation, and forcing me to listen to her endless whine-fest about everything she hates in the world, as well as her perpetual complaining about all the coworkers, managers, family members, Facebook acquaintances, friends [the few f***ed up ones she has], etc who always seem to “wrong her” or “have it out for her”…. and at least an hour a day I have to listen to Monster Drama Queen b**ch about how much her life sucks blah blah blah [GTFO here]. If I don’t pay full attention, it turns ugly and that rage switch flips, which does so regardless at least twice a week for the smallest of things. Just an utter cursing yell-fest with a bit of physical confrontation as she gets in my face, pushes, shoves, and punches, and then pursues me around the house as I try to escape it, and if my composure slips or if I attempt to leave the house and go for a walk to diffuse the situation and calm myself down, she threatens to kick me out and has gone into detail about how she’ll accomplish it, including the call to the police and the restraining order to bypass the normal legal procedure.
How did it reach this state? That’s the cunning and guise of the sociopath. They strip you away layer by layer, and by the time you realize what’s happening it’s already too late. I’m a perfect example. I had a good life and enjoyed living. Now I have no life and am worried that enough psychological damage has been done [both by her and by years of isolation] that I won’t be able to function again independently and won’t know how to interact in society nor hold down a job if ever the miracle occurs that allows me to evade her suffocating grip. It’s crazy that I was once such a positive, optimistic, strong, cheerful character. Now I’m someone stripped of all pride and dignity who’s accepted the fact that life as I know it is over and that I’m basically living on borrowed time. Only so many mornings can you wake up wondering to yourself if this is the day the Monster finally causes me to turn in the towel before you actually do turn it in.
The things she’s done along the way are utterly despicable displays of human behavior. You see examples of such in fictional suspense/thriller movies, read about these crazies online, and watch the occasional cable television reality documentary about them, but you do so while perceiving these instances to be so rare that they could never happen to you, and with them seeming so bizarre & outlandish that you couldn’t NOT see a nutjob like that coming from a mile away, as if they’re so obvious b/c of how aberrant they are that it’s like being tattoo’d across their foreheads. Nope. She’s the most functionally insane person I’ve ever met, and I’m the only one who knows it….. however I think her abused daughter is slowly catching on…. but I fear it’s too late for her to recover. We have a 2 and a half year old granddaughter that I’m like a second father to and probably spend more time raising than anyone else, and my biggest fear is that the Monster will eventually sink her claws into her, which is basically inevitable. That disturbing thought and the love for my granddaughter is the only thing that’s kept me alive the past 2 years. I unfortunately now know just how fragile the human psyche is, and I won’t allow hers to be ruined. The one thing the Monster has failed to realize or prepare for however is that when you go to the extremes that she’s gone in attempting to cage another human being, to the extent the victim is stripped of everything, has no life, and no longer fears death, then that victim is also capable of anything w/o fear of consequence, and I’d gladly give my life to save my granddaughter’s should that day ever come.
Anywho, I found this page and thought it might be temporarily therapeutic to put some words to paper regardless of whether or not anyone responds.
Wow wow wow todd thank you for reaching out. Your comment has blown me away. The same thing happened to me. I felt like a prisoner. He isolated me from everybody I began to question my own mind. You are only 40. You can get away from her and start again. Already she has taken 10 years of your life. Is there any way you can reach out to family or an old friend? Thank you for taking the time to write your comment.
Thank you for the information and advice. I am currently dealing with a distempered sociopath who is actively trying to sabotage my life. My career, friends and family have all been effected by the crazy actions of my ex-boyfriend. What amazes me is the consistent inability to take any responsibility for his behaviours, and the obsessive commitment to destroy me. I know i am not a bad person, yet he no longer sees any value in me or my life whatsoever. After reading your blog, i can now see that he is incapable of looking at himself because he is working so hard to convince the world that he is a caring and responsible person. For him, there is too much at stake.
I am trying so hard to remain strong, but i am still so fearful of what he could possibly do in the near future. My friends have recommended going to the police, but as a gay man, i worry that i wont be taken seriously.
Any advice?
Thank you for the information and advice. I am currently dealing with a distempered sociopath who is actively trying to sabotage my life. My career, friends and family have all been effected by the crazy actions of my ex-boyfriend. What amazes me is the consistent inability to take any responsibility for his behaviours, and the obsessive commitment to destroy me. I know i am not a bad person, yet he no longer sees any value in me or my life whatsoever. After reading your blog, i can now see that he is incapable of looking at himself because he is working so hard to convince the world that he is a caring and responsible person. For him, there is too much at stake.
I am trying so hard to remain strong, but i am still so fearful of what he could possibly do in the near future. My friends have recommended going to the police, but as a gay man, i worry that i wont be taken seriously.
Any advice?
Please get away as soon as you can. This is an abusive relationship. Go to the police if you feel it is a strong case but otherwise just go! If you try to make too much of a solid breakaway plan, they usual sense this and will create a counter-plan. Again this is an abusive relationship. There is no better time to get out, they gather your essentials and no replacables and leaving on foot, call friends family, church, shelter anyone you can trust to get away. Get away while you have your car, job, health, sanity. Or get away as soon as you can thereafter. It may go in waves.. You can wait until you have more strength, but like I said these people are highly attentative to your energy (which they feed off) and will most likely notice and break your legs or crash your car or whatever they can to make it hard/impossible to leave them. I wish everyone who has faced this the best! It is a terrible situation to find yourself in and this person will drown you emotionally, if you stay.
I see you posted this in 2015. I hope you have successfully extricated yourself and moved on.
However, if not, go to your local police station and ask for the Desk Sergeant. Each shift has someone assigned to that role. Wait to talk to the Desk Sargent in private; don’t tell the first person you see why you want to talk to the Desk Sargent. Tell them it’s a personal issue.
Once alone with the Desk Sergeant, explain you are concerned for your situation and want advice on what to do if the situation escalates. Tell them you are concerned about escalating the situation by going to the police.
(That you are gay is NOT a consideration. If the Desk Sergeant makes you feel they don’t take you seriously, you can opt to speak to the Chief. OR skip the police because they won’t help you and contact a Domestic Abuse Support group. )You will likely be given several choices by the police:
-file a complaint, bring charges to take action
-they can send an internal email alerting fellow officers to the concern for your situation… no action but be aware
-call a specific phone # (sometimes they’d rather the local # rather than the 911, depending on how the force and your community are structured)
-write up a restraining order on your partner and keep it on file at the police station. It will not be put in force. It will be kept on hold until, or if, you call the police station and ask them to act on it.
Best of luck with your journey. I hope you find healing and peace
My ex boyfriend is definitely a Charismatic sociopath. The funny thing is that I read this blog last year when I was going through the smear campaigns and bombarding stage, I was shocked at this behavior so I finally gave in to what I heard from a mutual friend telling me he is a sociopath and looked into it and found this blog. There were a lot of things written here that match his personality, such as the lying, saying nice things that are too good to be true, faking sickness to get pity from people, always craving attention and saying I love you sometimes saying just to reassure himself that I do. There was one time he asked me, “do you love me” so I asked why are you asking me that? I tell you I love you at least a billion times, so he said, no I just need to hear it from you that you really do. I thought that was so weird given that my love for him was obvious at the time and we were deep into our relationship. I dated him for almost 6 years. We were friends for 1 full year before we dated and even as friends it was as if we were dating, however he never was willing to commit as my boyfriend until I required him to and told him he can’t have the best of both worlds, the friends and the sex it has to be one or the other, so he chose to date me. It was rough for the first few months as he wasn’t reliable, and he would only show up if he was jealous of me being with other people. however, he managed to by the end of our relationship isolate me from all my friends, and like you said they do it so subtly you don’t even realize, they make you think its YOUR decision.
Anyways to get back to my point, when I came across this blog last year, I was at a horrible place. I had been with him for 4 years including 1 year as friends before that, and we broke up because of forced reasons from his family and mine as we both got into a heroin addiction problem, and upon getting clean and families intervening we decided to break up, however, we still stayed close friends seeing each other very frequently. Therefore we still acted as a couple just wasn’t labeled as one. What then happened was lies and manipulation. I’ve been lied to by him before many times, there’s too much history to say it all here, but some of the major lies from him while we were dating were him lying about having had sex with all his ex girlfriends, when at the time we first met I was 18, and I was still a virgin then, sex to me was something very important, as I wanted my first time to be with someone I truly care about and am committed too, he would keep telling me these lies even before he knew I was a virgin, and when he found out I was that love bombarding started with all the nice things and acting like hes committed and so forth, then when I still wouldn’t sleep with him, he pulled his first disappearing act, the first of MANY to come. These disappearing phases would last anywhere between 1 week to 4 months max, in which he will block me off everything so there is no way to possibly contact him, and when he decides to re appear he will always have some stupid excuse of why he couldn’t talk. The first time it happened I was really confused, like what did I do, did he break up with me? I had no idea what was going on because he didn’t say anything, so I asked a mutual friend to get involved to see whats going on. He then contacted me and pretended we were still together saw me a few times and disappeared again. I then sent him a message saying that I assume we are broken up, and that he doesn’t want to talk to me. He was very cold in his reply, saying something like he never liked me anyways. A few months went by before we spoke again, however, when we did we became friends for about a year. He continued to try to sleep with me, which I wouldn’t allow him to, and later didn’t until we started dating. a couple months after that he was very high and he told me that he wanted to say something to me, and turns out what he wanted to tell me is that he was a virgin and he lied about it. He thought I would be happy, but I was so devastated I felt like everything was a lie, all these stories he told me about these girls he had sexual relations with, and him knowing how important losing my virginity was to me and he just lied. I told him that I wish he had said the truth because at least I would have known that I made that decision because I wanted to not because I was lied to.
The reason I bring this up is because this was the first time I found out so much of what he told me was a lie. I did find out a year after meeting that he lied about his age, and where he was from, and some lies about his parents, and how they treat him. When I found out and confronted him he would never admit it but just settle that I found out the truth and sometimes continue to lie about it but I would tell him its not worth it because I know whats going on. When we started getting serious say about the third year of dating or so, the lies seemed to stop, and the only weird thing that was going on was that he would always message random girls on Facebook and lie and say he has cancer to get them to feel bad for him. He would also message old friends (girls) and tell them that we are not on good terms and are breaking up soon and he wants to see her. When I confronted him about this, he told me “I have a problem, OK, I just like attention and yes sometimes I do and say sick things to get, but who cares, I’m not going to see her its all fake, I like messing with people’s heads” I thought that was so weird. But I told myself, I love him, and if this is his only flaw at least he admits and I’ll deal with it, and I didn’t get mad later when I would find out he would talk to random girls online telling myself that as long as its not in person who cares, this is a part of who he is and he finds it entertaining. He also use to admit that he loves lying to people he will never see again about his profession and age, and sometimes faking that he is a blind man when he rides a cab, just weird shit like that.
Anyways sorry to get off point but back to when I came across this blog last year, we were at the point like I said where we were broken up because of us both getting sober but staying good friends, and we also kept on sexual relations with each other, and both weren’t seeing anyone else. I did try to date someone for a while but he pulled the jealous card and always would say bad things about the guy to put him down and every time he would know I’m going to see him he would ask to see me, to deviate my attention sometimes even ask if he could join, just so I would see him instead. I thought it was odd because I told him if he wanted to get back together I’m fine with that but we can’t be friends and ask me not to see other people. He would always reassure me yeah we are just friends see who you want its OK, but then every time make it impossible for me to date.
When I saw this is how he acted I took it under the impression that he still loves me but doesn’t want to admit it so I backed off other guys and stayed committed to him. During this time we were still in college and it was our last year. Now I know he used me throughout his college years to write his papers for him and do his work as he was never good in that area and was getting D’s or F’s in most of his classes before I came along. once he figured out I’m good at writing essays he took advantage of that and would always be so nice and sweet before he would ask if I could “help” him with his papers. I didn’t mind as he was my boyfriend and I cared about him so I thought I was helping. I never ever thought he was using me. Now looking back I guess the reason he stayed close to me after we broke up is so I could help him with his school work. That is why after he graduated he started to slowly drift away, I realized he was drifting away so I ask him if he was seeing someone else and he would constantly deny it, every time we would hang out his phone would ring non stop and he would tell me its his band mate, later I found out it was a girl, he then said yes its a girl, she manages my band, then I found out she wasn’t his band manager and she talks to him as if they are together so I asked if they are together he told me no, she just thinks we are, he would also call her crazy, and ugly, and say very nasty things about her. During this time I didn’t see much of him, now I know its because he didn’t need me for anything but then I was devastated because I had spent 5 years with someone who is treating me like a worthless shit but in front of my face he keeps pretending he loves me, I was so confused. Now I realize that he was a charismatic sociopath as he would never be evil in my face, always be so sweet and kind in person, but always disappear and ignore.
What brought me to this site was when I finally got a message for his current girlfriend at the time asking me to back off, telling me that he had said all these nasty things about me, such as I’m the girl who ruined his life and introduced him to drugs and I won’t leave him alone and I always try to lure him back in, always blaming his relapses on me even if I didn’t see him at the time. He also told her that he never loved me all this weird stuff. At the time I thought she was just saying that because she saw me as a threat and wanted me to be out of the picture, however, when I would confront him and tell him if you don’t like her then why are you with her he would always tell me, yea I’m planning on breaking up with her soon you’ll see, there is just so and so I need to do first always making excuses and stalling. After about 6 months of him being with her and me fighting with him about it because I had sensed he was lying to me about not liking her as he was always with her and always msging and talking to her, so I told him to be honest but don’t keep playing this game. He was using me at the time and actually having sex with me at the same time he was still sleeping with her, but telling me that they are not together. Constantly lying. When he finally got put on the spot by his girlfriend at the time and she told him to chose either her or me, that when I experienced the real sociopath in him, however, he could NEVER say it in my face. That’s why I seemed to think he was just pressured as he would always claim, but now I realize like you said he is a charismatic sociopath and they don’t do rude things in person. The things he said, omg, I couldn’t believe myself that someone human could even say all those things and fake all those emotions.
Here is a glimpse of what he said in the nasty email he sent me with his girlfriend last year, just to give a brief explanation, out of the 5 years we were together, only 1 year was while we were using heroin, we met clean, and we started our relationship without drugs, the drugs came after the fourth year of dating and stopped afterwards, we stayed friends while sober for a year before he met his new girlfriend, he relapsed a few times but it had nothing to do with me, he would just call me every time he would relapse because he knew I was the only one who would talk to him while under the influence and maybe get high with him on occasion. So here is a glimpse of his nasty message accusing me, of everything he did, blaming his cheating on me suppsoedly seducing him or forcing him to in exchange for drugs, when the truth is I never did drugs with him during that time, and when we did sleep together it was after him trying to be nice for days and begging me to believe him that he still loves me, it is exactly a perfect example of what you said of smear campaigns and abuse:
Email:
what do u want an apology. Im sorry it has to end this way to know you were a good friend, yes you were there when i needed u – to think about my decision, i did – tell you clearly and alone that i want u out of my life. I told you before and again i say please just leave me alone. Sarah you are a part of a life i want to put behind me. I always kept u around because i knew you’d be my in it was not the nicest thing to do and i didn’t consider your feelings as a human but i was never thinking straight while under the influence and could think of nothing else but using. I thought i needed it but im so glad this time that it really hit me. Now that i have the best of the people who love me around
I have nothing to say to you because i have covered everything in this email i answered all the stuff you wrote you have a clear answer and crystal clear feelings about my decision and how i feel about you. u mean nothing to me, ur kisses meant nothing to me, sex meant nothing to me.. and if felt terrible ur emails mean nothing to me, just taking up space. your words mean nothing your sadness means nothing your desperation means nothing our entire relationship meant only one thing ‘herion
You’re being over dramatic although I shouldn’t have called you ur still over the top. i got weak to the idea of H something you understand. I don’t even remember when i spoke to you or for how long just that i needed u for h/ I for sure shouldn’t have slept with you, not that you can call that sleeping. I’ve had cigarettes that lasted longer. I didn’t really wanna do anything with you. but just left you to do your thing because you threatened many times not to give me anything/ i don’t blame you completely, i take blame I shouldn’t have done a lot of things but im trying to stop all those things that pushed me and you’re not helping you’re an obstical and if you really cared and wanted me to b happy like u said then you’d let me live my life and stop bothering me everyday
I’m not wasting anymore of my life on your insecurities. You have to realize that i don’t want you now like i never wanted u before.. i felt pity for you when you were crying your eyes out asking me to date you. i did just to shut you up.. that was a favo a big one, now pay me back by getting out of my life
I don’t know what u want from me but whatever it is i CANT give it to you because i DON wanna. being manipulative and u try to lure me back in any way, trying to kiss me, still making up lies when u know myanne is around but alone you realize that you don’t really remember u are trying to do anything you can just to hold onto something that is nothing but a memory now.
Ive tried being rude nice strict honest a liar calm aggressive nothing i do makes it sink in. So i hope this time you really do have enough pride to walk away because now that it is all out in the open there is no reason for you to reply to say the same things over or defend yourself. What is done is done. Just like our relationship even if we did have something and there was a connection and all the other crap that came out of my mouth that has all gone now. Yes you cared about me a great deal and that’s cool but if you wanted to go you could’ve but you stayed round waiting for me loving me unconditionally like u say that’s not my fault they are your decisions.
Everything must come to an end sometime this is ours I hope you can move on like i have and become as happy as i am now that i have everything i need and want in one place.
I will not reply to anything more. I have nothing more to say.
You call myanne a bitch and a whore you know zilch about her. She used you yes but she made it quite clear what she wanted from you and made it clear when it was over. You cant seem to get that into your head thinking there is something more you can do to try and break us up. If you think she is an idiot for wanting me in her life, why do you want me or why did you want me in yours. Thats rhetorical by the way
You call her ugly but that’s just because you know that no matter what you do you’ll never look half as beautiful as her she has an amazing smile a sweet scent that keeps me strong and a beautiful shining personality that drives everyone mad
I’m now with the girl that everyone else wants not the girl who everyone is trying to get away from
I’m curious to know your opinion if you think his actions signify he is in fact a sociopath because I am more than sure he is.
To summarize what happened up until now as this was a year ago, about 4 months went by without him contacting me and I kept to the no contact rule as I was reading this blog then, then he called me and asked to meet me in person to apologize. By the way during the time this email was sent I would beg to meet him in person because I wanted to hear it face to face and he would never agree it would be hard enough for him to say it over the phone even though he did but not as harsh as the email.
Anyways stupidly I agreed to meet him, which I couldn’t believe I did because after this email and all the nasty things that were said, which were much more that I showed above, I was disgusted by him, but part of me was still longing for that nice guy that I loved and fell in love with for years. and he put that mask on when I saw him, claiming that he didn’t even know the emails were sent and that his girlfriend sent it behind his back, which is complete bullshit because there is too much detail in there for her to send it, also I asked him well how about what you said over the phone, he told me that it was on speaker phone and his girlfriend forced him to say it. I told him I didn’t believe it, and even if that’s the case if he respected me he would never agree to say these things whether forced or not, and he would stand up for me not accuse me of all these nasty things to make himself look better, then when he got put on the spot he said I know I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about it, I’m just stupid I can’t believe I did that to you, please forgive me, your the only person who truly cares about me and I fucked that up so bad and then he started the water works. I didn’t believe him, especially since he was still with his girlfriend at the the time and I asked him to leave her if he doesn’t like her. He kept making excuses again, anyways this time I stuck to my word because I didn’t want to go through the humiliation of last time, and I told him I wouldn’t talk to him until he proves either he loves her and wants to be with her or he breaks up with her. Anyways he ended up breaking up with her a couple weeks later then calling me saying see I broke up with her lets meet and so forth, Stupid me I met him and also slept with him, and we seemed to be good for about 3 months, until I found out he was still talking to her every now and then repeating the same story again of I don’t like her and so forth but he is pushy and manipulative and so on. To cut it short he ended up disappearing and then getting back together with her for a couple months. until recently he called me because he said they broke up, I found out she broke up with him because she found out he was cheating on her with me before, and since he knows I know that he admitted that yea she broke up with him but its a relief and he never loved her anyways she is just very pushy and she doesn’t let him break up with her, more bullshit. So the reason I am here today is because I just saw him yesterday and he fed me all the bullshit of he really cares and so on and he wants to change and he will prove it this time, and I know you will say I’m stupid but as much as I know its a lie, why can’t I help but see him, and not just see him but WANT to see him! HELP MEEEE! I don’t want to go through the heartbreak I went through before but I also don’t want to lose someone I thought was my best friend for 6 years and I feel knows everything about me and is so easy to talk to he just makes me feel comfortable when I’m around him and he’s the only person who truly understands me and my family and I can talk to openly, and as much as I know its fake and pretend part of me tells me its real and he just has a problem but deep down he really does care about me since he keeps coming back to me, and even when he was with his ex girlfriend he would always try to talk to me, but then the other half of me says well if he really loved you he would have never said all those nasty things, even if his girlfriend wrote the email she must have heard it from somewhere!
Omg I’m so confused I don’t know what to do….
Yes…. if you read the post can sociopaths love? This was written right after a deluge of him saying “do you love me?” Yes… “but do you love me”. It was all about keeping me under control. Its good when they go off the radar. Sad part is when they keep trying to come back. I understand what you are saying about making decisions based on lies not reality. This is emotional rape i believe. Obtaining something by deception that would never have otherwise been given. Mine also did the faking cancer but pretended his ex was dying of cancer. He went to elaborate lengths to feign this lie. Sounds like you have him spot on. They do tell you that they are only person to understand you. Of course they do, they have isolated, manipulated and groomed you. He tried to talk to you when he was with his ex to make you feel he was temporarily out of bounds and you were the special one. You are special but nobody is special to him. He is a liar, manipulator, game player now he is triangulating you with his girlfriend to make him look more special than he actually is. Basically he is nothing but a myth and a fairy tale.
Thank you so much for this blog. It has helped me tremendously. This post helped a lot as well since I didn’t know there were types of sociopaths. I believe my ex fits the charismatic description. He was so extremely nice almost to the very end. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to stop caring about him. We were together for 4 months, it’s been 1 month of NC after I caught him with another girl at his house. Did not see it coming. I was called his angel, princess, his world and his everything up to that day basically. When he got caught he was furious, gave me a million excuses then was upset at me for reacting (being upset was a normal reaction for me) yet he made me feel so guilty and I apologized to him for being upset! Very confusing and so painful. He blocked me on his phone, stated he was shocked at the way I reacted and he needed time and space.
My ex gf is a charismatic sociopath, right to the end. She had a hole in her soul though. Fortunately, I got out financially unscathed. She was so fake but I didn’t trust my instincts. I will from now on.
Hey, a sociopath here, im aware of the damage it can cause, but there are other, options, i asked for help and and went to see a psychologist, after a loooong period of time i ended up controlling what people call “Masks”, and i was able to find a personality instead of stealing the one i need in each moment. I obviously still can use my “masks” , but i learned to use them only in moments needed, like job interviews… etc.
So what im trying to say is if you know a sociopath or have a relationship with one try to convince them into seeing a psychologist.
Can you explain this to me some more Dan, am really interested in this. Mine saw a psychologist, it made our relationship worse as he blamed me. Despite that my life was in the ground because of his actions. He stopped going.
The psychologist blamed you?
Unfortunately this is what often happens with sociopaths- they are keeping their “i am so nice and normal” mask on while doing the pity-play in front of the therapist so the psychologist thinks it must be the partners fault.
Indeed this is a very common occurrence.
They are masters at duping.
Besides that most sociopaths start therapy to simply string their victim further along (pretending that they want to change so the partner won’t leave them) but in reality they couldn’t care less about their abusive, antisocial ways.
If you won’t buy their bullshit stories anymore and are about to find out who they really are they will gladly move on to the next unsuspecting victim while demanding a friendship with you to triangulate the new woman- they do this just because it is so much fun and eases their bordedom.
You sounded like me then Nevaeh 🙂
Yeah, it is pretty frustrating isn’t it?
They make everyone believe you are the problem when in fact it is them causing drama all the time and then judging you for reacting to it (and ultimately saying it was your fault). Mine wants a woman who will give into all of his bullshit, a codependent that adores him no matter how he treats her.
Yes absolutely. They are so good at it, it is pointless, even trying to fight back. What is really bad, is that you are the victim, yet they are the ones who gain the sympathy?
I’m curious as well. Seeing a psychiatrist made it worse for me too. My therapist was not trained to spot the very obvious signs apparently. And his, told him not to contact me but he did what he wanted and used tools from the psych to be more deceptive. I feel sorry for sociopaths as it can’t be a great life sucking off people but I’d say you would have to be a pretty light borderline not a full fledged sociopath to recover from it through talk therapy. Talk therapy is generally ineffective anyway. Try trauma therapy like for PTSD.
My ex was a ditempered sociopath. He manipulated my feeling for a year, Kept the relation back and forth.
The 1st 6 months of our relation was divine and then later on he completely changed into a cruel arrogant man , totaly opposite to the man i knew .I questioned myself million times , i always felt i’m the one to blame. He always made me feel like i’m bad person and need to change.He disconnected me from my friends and almost my family.
Now, i’ve broke up with him since a yr ago..i’m not fully cured from this devastating relationship but i try to battle my depression as hard as i can . I loved him actually very much but i always try to remind myself of his true nature and that i only miss the good mask of him that i knew 😦 I just hope he is not with another victim tight now 😦
I don’t know what kind of sociopath mine was (is)- he surely exhibits the traits of both types. The only difference is that as long as everything whent like he imagined it he hid behind his mask but add some pitfall (for example him not seeing me for a long time or me needing space, not knowing if he is the right guy for me, or me being sick and therefore not being able to fulfill his needs i.e. talking to him on the phone for hours…) and he goes crazy behind my back- he was leading a double life for years, spending huge amounts of money on prostitutes while telling me that he was kind of broke (i even told him he did not have to buy me a present for christmas/my birthday because he was complaining about his lack of cash all the time).
One could argue that he did this on purpose because he knew I was against prostitution (I believe it is sexist, violent and traumatizing).
So what kind of sociopath is he?
I really don’t know but he is not a normal, good-hearted guy that’s for sure.
HEY GUYS I AM A DISTEMPERED SOCIOPATH.
LET ME GIVE YOU SOME INSIGHT.
THERE IS A REASON YOU ALWAYS THINK BACK TO “YOUR SOCIOPATH EX”.
BEING WITH A SOCIOPATH IS INTERESTING.
THERE ARE HIGHS THERE ARE LOWS.
YOU WILL LAUGH, YOU WILL CRY.
ITS NOT BORING.
IT KEEPS YOU ALIVE, ON YOUR TOES.
YOU FEEL.
BECAUSE THE FACT IS.
I DON’T FEEL.
AN EVENT THAT MAKES YOU:
CRY FOR A WEEK – WILL MAKE ME ANGRY FOR A MINUTE.
MAKES YOU ECSTATIC – WILL MAKE ME SMIRK A LITTLE.
SO HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED.
WHEN WE FIRST MET.
I FELT.
I FELT HAPPINESS, I FELT ECSTATIC.
FOR THE FIRST TIME I FELT THOSE THINGS.
IT WAS AWESOME.
BUT THAT FEELING HAS LEFT.
AND NOW I CAN’T GET IT BACK.
AND YOU NOW UNDERSTAND THAT.
SO YOU WANT TO LEAVE.
YOU CAN’T LEAVE.
ONLY I LEAVE.
Wrong. I left. I did all I could to make sure that he went away 🙂 So your thinking, ‘you can’t leave, only I can leave’ is not really true. Unless of course, you are referring to harassment, stalking and all the other psychopathic nonsensical mind and prisoner games that you lunatic types play? If so… yes, he left, and I was so happy about this. Finally I could breath. I could heal, and recover – but – psycho’s still keep tabs on their ex’es so really the truth is that you don’t really leave, is not really true, sadly.
YOU ARE POSTING ABOUT YOUR EX HERE.
HE STILL OCCUPIES YOUR MIND.
YOU HAVEN’T LEFT.
YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE.
Lol don’t flatter yourself! 😂
I realized that even though I loved him so much and he seemed to do his best to keep me feeling safe after our breakup(even avoiding intimacy to prevent further breakdown between us) I could not remain close to him knowing what he was doing to others. I left him without warning. You cannot always get your way.
Positivagirl, you’re right. Sociopaths never actually leave. Mine idealized and obsessed over every single victim he abused and discarded dating back years.
Sorry to tell you this, but what you’re writing here might be wrong und dangerous. You’re not a psychiatrist, so why are you rambling on about fictitious diagnoses? Don’t you realise the risk that, even if there is a disorder like sociopathy, that a lot of sad und angry ex-partners will simply ‘diagnose’ their former loved ones to alleviate their frustration and to come to terms with their hurt Egos?
It isn’t wrong Vince. I spent years researching before I wrote this. Unless the works of someone like hare is wrong? I cannot be responsible for how someone makes judgement of another. Only to say that If someone assumes someone else is a sociopath then they aren’t treating them very well.