Some scientists once did a study that involved implanting electrodes in the brains of rats. If the rats pushed one lever, they would get food. If they pressed the other lever, the electrode would stimulate the rats’ pleasure center. The rats would keep pushing the pleasure center lever until they starved to death.
S is the scientist putting the electrode in your pleasure center. You need to flee the lab, not try to figure out what makes the mad scientist tick.
I know. Actually, the best response would have been to go up to LiL greet her, and ask her if she would like to come sit with somebody who actually cares about her well-being while totally ignoring J. If she elected to stay with her abuser, that’s her choice.
It wasn’t so much J’s presence that provoked me as it was that the pastor — who had told me that he would keep J away because predators have no place in his congregation — was friendly with J. That gobsmacked me. I’d geared myself up for J to show up (though I expected him to do it alone and try to just sit next to me as if nothing had ever happened), but NOT for the pastor to fail to at least pull him aside and talk to him about removing himself.
Cut him off…let your friends and family know what’s going on. I cut all ties and told any friends who he might still speak with that I can’t know anything about what he’s up to or saying…they totally understand…
Tell people what you need, and be up front…if they can’t support you, you can cut them out of your life as well! You won’t come out of the lid with everyone on your side, but you’ll come out with the ones you can count on!!
I have posted here a few times but just to recap my story. My SP and I began an affair 4.5 years ago. It was wonderful firs 18mths. His wife found out and things started ti change. He was majorly stressed that she would find out (all this time he was saying she knew already, that the marriage was over, and he didn’t care, etc etc. Then all of a sudden she knows and he is terrified!!! He started becoming more stressed after she moved out and ended it with me several times. My marriage separated but he couldn’t have cared less. We kept getting back together within days.
Next 2-3 years were all about working around his child, and his work. I was always hidden, never introduced to family, he was never all that interested in what I did I didn’t even know he gave me a fake name!!! 2.5 years ago I found out his surname and last year (4 years) I found out his first name was also fake!!! This particularly hurt because when I found out his surname I made him promise that I now knew all the lies!!!
Over the next few years there wee soooooo many lies I found out. Apparently he was never actually married (they were defacto) but I got the full wedding story, proposal etc, then there were lies abut not having yet settled financially (but knowing that they had!!) weird trips to another town, weird texts, hidden phones, and then I looked and found him on several dating sites. Still I never said a word, I amped up my efforts as the sweet caring gf,and hoped he would see the light.
A few weeks ago it started to get really stressed ad I even made a note to myself that I needed to jump before I was pushed . The whole thing made me feel like a fat ugly needy clingon.
Anyway 3 weeks ago he ended it. He said he needs to focus on his worsening finances. We agreed we’d stay friends and to never give up. There was some limited contact. Im doing everything I can to get over this but its getting worse. I found out he has a gf and has shown her photo to his daughter (that’s HUGE). I was obviously dumped for another woman!!! I trued to text him a few days to ask if we were still friends – but no response! It makes me insane.
To put this into context we had 4.5 years of daily – YES DAILY- coffees or dinner or sx. As well as 40+texts and calls. Granted at the end these were increasingly uncomfortable but they were still there every day and all night. He said goodnight I love you and goodmorning I love you every day!!!!! To stop that is HUGE
So my questions are:
How do I get over him
Will he come back
How do I accept that everything was a lie
How dio I change daily habits that were so entrenched and fed my need for approval
Joelene, you get over him by knowing that you are strong and lovely and that is why he targeted you. You said it yourself, everything was a lie. These men feel nothing, they pretend to, and they are VERY PLAUSIBLE. He probably will come back, but not because he cares, it will be because he needs something from you – either money, or support, or sex, or a thrill at manipulating you. IT WILL BRING YOU DOWN FURTHER. Take a deep breath. Try to change your life slowly but surely. Take a class doing something you enjoy, even if it’s just for an hour a week, that way you will meet new people. Go for a walk, visit a coffee shop, try to always smile at people and they will respond with a smile. There’s a great big world out there, full of lovely people as well as not so lovely. There is someone out there who will truly love you for yourself, they may not be perfect, but they will be honest and that is what will make you happy.
Please try to remember that this man is USING you. You are not alone, so many of us have had our lives twisted and ruined by men (sometimes women) like this. YOU HAVE TO WIN. You are worth so much more than this man. You deserve better. I do understand, they can be so compelling, so convincing, but he will destroy your peace of mind forever if you let him. Good luck, Joelene, I send you all good wishes for a bright and sunny future with someone else who can make you happy. X
Hi all, I am sorry to hijack this thread with a technical question. But I can’t figure out how to start my own thread to share my story? This website saved my life…it is the only one I have found that made me recognize behaviors in my now ex. I would really like to post and get feedback. But when I go to the “share your story” link I can’t figure out how to start my own post. Thanks for any help you can provide!
Hi joelene I know exactly how you feel. Yes he will come back. Please do not take him back. I know through bitter experience everything you experienced with him will be the same but quicker and worse. So he will come back after his mask slips to the new target as he knows you are vulnerable for him. ( easy to satisfy his sick kick ). He will even if its months or years come back declaring undying love then it will get bad and much quicker than before . So all the hurt you are having now you will get again and again , this man will always have more than one girl . Some he will be disgarding while he is love bombing others. The good mornings are such a trait text from them. At first it’s good morning with hearts and love and nice messages all day. Then it’s only the good mornings and nothing leaving you desperate , when you say he is ignoring you. It’s more possible that he isn’t. Infant he will be reading your desparate messages getting a kick out of them ( they are clever they use settings to read messages and it appears like they haven’t. They simply switch off their Internet so they can read without it appearing to be read from the sender. This is how evil they are. ! Whilst he is doing this to you he will be love bombing another girl. Do not take him back , if you do as its hard you will suffer it over again but quicker , the only way to find peace is to apply no contact. Then it’s like a death. Very hard etc. but time lessons it and new things happen and then it gets easier. But if you don’t do this and take him back I promise you that you will feel all this pain again but worse , if I could un meet my sp I would but we can’t un meet people , he was attracted to you because YOU are the NICE person. Everything he can’t be but will copy you and your ways to further con new targets , they can’t change. It’s such an emotional rape what they do But please beware he WILL come back xx
Thankyou so much guys. I feel.a tin bit better tonight amd getting glimpses of ‘your loss ahole!!! So dunno if that’s true but it helps xxx thankyou all
Judy x
Hi everyone
I wrote the longest message about the lies my SP told me but its not here 😦 But basically despite all the lies he told me, he also took the time to have a catch up with me every single day (even Christmas Day!!)
Now that hes broken up with me and apparently has a gf – I literally cant seem to stop texting him every day to say hi (we used to have coffee every day plus exchange around 40 texts a day!) He has said that we can stay friends but friends don’t text every day, and also said that my texts were getting annoying!!!
I want us tio stay friends, I don’t know why – I just HATE the idea of anyone thinking badly of me. As someone said to me though – he’s moved on to someone who better fills his needs (maybe still believes the lies, maybe doesn’t question holes in stories, maybe someone who meets his sick fetishes), but also he wasn’t meeting any of my needs!!!! No friendship, terrible sex, no love. So why am I pining!!!!
Hi Joelene, I don’t know whether you saw my previous reply to your last message, it is on here. I understand completely how you feel, I was exactly the same. Please believe that this man is only going to bring you down. I kept contact with my man, texting, meeting, going away together, for two years after I couldn’t live with him any more. I believed that I loved him and cared about him. I made excuses for him, thinking that he had a mental illness. He died almost three months ago. I have never felt so lonely in my life. But he has set me free! I’m harder now and more cynical and a little bitter, but he contributed NOTHING GOOD to my life and this is I think the same for you. Bad sex, laziness, sponging and scheming. Everything good in your life will still be there if he is gone. He’s not making you happy. You deserve better. I believe you have issues with self-esteem. You are a far better person than he is, you CARE – he doesn’t.
Perhaps you like the thrill of the game, perhaps you believe that he really loves you underneath because of things he’s said in the past. IT’S ALL LIES. Sociopaths don’t feel, they act, they pretend, they mimic emotion. Mine was always quoting song lyrics, “the bed is too big without you” was a favourite. I imagine he’s said it to many women in the past. They are so good at making you feel special, but it’s rubbish – look at the facts.
I suppose I can’t really give advice, because I was guilty of being manipulated for years, and it was only the fact that he died that has stopped me caring about him and needing to hear his voice. His parents gave me some of his ashes, and I had them for a few weeks until I was able to release them into the sea. All that time it was as if his presence, even in death, had an effect on me. I almost went to pieces. When I put him in the sea, everything changed. I’m trying to say Joelene, that I believe the malevolent psychological force of these people is so powerful that it’s painful to resist. Be strong, keep writing here, keep talking to your friends and family, give yourself a challenge every day to NOT contact him or respond. Every day without contact will be a small victory for you. Good Luck, I will be thinking of you, best wishes, Lana.
It isn’t that he has moved onto someone better. He has moved onto someone who is blind. He finds your texts annoying simply because to keep another captive he needs to text all day long. He has to do that to someone else and can’t lose focus or get distracted.
He takes someone captive and focuses all his energy and attention. He enjoys telling you to go away it gives him power and control.
Say goodbye and don’t contact take it one day at a time. Staying in contact will delay your healing and hurt you more. This is NO reflection on you. Does he act like a friend? NO …. your energy could so be used so much better elsewhere..
@jolene oh my gosh your story could be written by me it is so similiar! I see you wrote this in October and I really hope you are feeling better and stronger today. I broke up with my boyfriend, a narcissistic/SP, in November and I am still in terrible pain and sadness. I too fight the no contact rule and deluxe myself uni thinking we can be friends or that I might be strong enough to deflect his SP ways in the future. I am beginning to,understand that is probably very unrealistic and unhealthy for me to cling to. Your last sentence really stuck,out for me…”terrible sex, no love so why am I pining?!” exactly my story as well…but in my head remains some fairytale….I even occassionally question what his new lover think,of his poor sex. But then I remember one of the ways he used, me was to get me to teach him how to please a woman. Who knows how much he is using now with her! It all makes me painfully sick when I think about it.
I really do,hope your life is getting better and the pain of your SP relationship is receding from your life. Best wishes, Healing Heart
Did anyone’s SP kiss them in such a way that it was almost violent. Like either grabbing the face extreme hard , choking almost with their tongue or grabbing your private parts ?
It has been almost two years since I posted on this site and broke up with my boyfriend who turned out to be a sociopath. Our relationship only lasted for 8 months, but it left me extremely damaged – to the point where I’m still not able to trust anyone anymore. I still think about the ways he manipulated me and how small he made me feel.
It takes baby steps to get better and I’m trying all I can to love myself, but it still feels like I will never truly love again, like I will never be able to have a relationship again … But I am free and I believe that things will get better 🙂
Thanks to everyone who posted their story here and also to the creator of this website – if it wasn’t for you I would still be in denial. Knowing the truth was the best thing that ever happened to me! 🙂
hi Lara, it will get better. trust me. it has been 6 months for me and i am damaged and full of guilt. I cry and go back over and over again, asking myself what have I done wrong! But I started tu study full time and that helped a lot. I see my friends a lot and booked holidays with a girlfriend! I live my life! it has to be great one day!!!! someone very special will find you and make you happy X
Hi everyone, just needed to share my story and ask for any sport and guidance I can. Let me give you the shortened version of the party 2 years of my life. I don’t even know if my ex is a sociopath, but it’s beginning to sound like it. I work with a man and we were both married and stupidly stayed an affair. I tried to end it after a month before it went too far, but I was unhappy in my marriage and his constant admiration of me and him telling me he loved me after a month won me over. 12 months later I told my husband and left. Me and the mm had plans to stay a life together, he promised me he would leave his wife but that never happened until my husband told her for him. That’s when everything went downhill, I want allowed to go out with my friends, he would constantly check my phone and hide his own. Accuse me of having a to close relationship with a make colleague who in all fairness was 20 years younger than me and we were just friends. I was only allowed to wear a dress if I was going out with him and he wanted me to wear jeans for work, I’m an accountant so how could I. One drunken night he lost his temper when I called him my husbands name by accident and he screamed in my face till I cried. Another night he kicked the stairs and needed 4 stitches and smashed up his ipad, all because I’d mentioned a male colleagues name. Each time I forgive him. A few weeks ago I stayed at his and his wife rang for times at 7 in the morning which he wouldn’t answer, he couldn’t explain why, but i couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t answer it in front of me. The alarm bells started and as im responsible for paying his mobile bill at work I remembered he hasn’t given me them for 4 months even though I’d asked and asked. That was 3 weeks ago, at first when I questioned him I got the silent treatment, that lasted a week. A week of pure hell and a lot of emotionally charged texts from me, one minute is be shooting at him wanting a response, the next is be apologising for my behaviour. He sent me a message saying he accepts is over and he’ll always love me.. Now I’m left in pieces wondering why, why can he be so cold. In my head I know why, it’s my heart that is having trouble accepting it. Sorry for the long message and I hope you didn’t get bored lol
I just realized the man I dated is a sociopath. I’m scared honestly. I found out I was pregnant 2 months ago and it’s been downhill from there. At first he was really loving. But since finding out I’m pregnant he’s called CPS multiple times and now they’re actually threatening to take the kids away first and ask questions later because the threats he made are so severe. None are true and when asked why he called CPS he says its because “He had to, he was tired of seeing them live like this.” What? Like what?!?!?!? He’s started the process of making me seem like an unfit mother so he can keep all my kids, the two I have now that aren’t even his and the unborn one. At first I thought he would just do these things when he was mad but he’s admitted that he called them because he wants them to get taken away so he can raise them. I’m in shock. Last week he literally punched my stomach, he’s homeless, can’t hold a job and can’t even feed himself and he thinks these children will be better off with him. He is convinced without a doubt that they will give him custody, no questions asked just because ‘he wants them’. Everyone believes his lies. Idk what to do anymore. I’ve tried to stop talking to him but it just makes him more upset and he tells more lies. The only way to get him to stop is by pretending I’m in love with him. Does that make sense? No one else seems to get that. I want away from him but I’m scared because I have no where to go and I think he really might get custody of my unborn baby. He has done so many things that tell me he is differently not capable of loving anyone and I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.
Dear “Lost” – this is a very difficult situation for you, If this man is so convincing a liar that you fear others believe him and not you, you can only keep as calm as possible and explain your own fears to someone who will be on your side. I don’t know whether you are in Britain or somewhere else, but there are many places of protection for you and your children. You could tell the Police that he has assaulted you and threatened you and the children, they should act to protect you. I think that it is very unlikely that he would get custody of any of your children, he might sound ok to you, but professionals are very good at spotting someone who is lying – they deal in the family courts with these sorts of people all the time. Go to Citizens Advice – or your doctor who may recommend counselling and put you in touch with local organisations who can help you.
I know that sociopaths can be incredibly convincing, but he’s overstepped a mark by assaulting you, he’s lost self control, he’s threatening you with losing the children to control you. Please call the Police or a domestic violence organisation, you and the children need to be safe. Do whatever you need to do to keep him calm until you can get away to a place of safety. Don’t give up hope – you can get away.
Stumbled across this site after trying to work out in my mixed up head if my ex boyfriend is a sociopath, or whether I’m going mad.
Shortened version of my story, I was with my husband for 24 years when I stupidly fell in love with a married work colleague. He wooed my, knowing I was unhappy in my marriage and after 2 months he told me he loved me. At the time I was shocked as I certainly didn’t feel the same. The affair went on until I left my husband 12 months later. When my husband found out about the affair he told my new partner’s wife. We were now free to start our life together. It wasn’t long before red flags went off in my head, he hated me going out with friends and complained that much I use to cancel. His argument was he was concerned for my safety (I was raped at a party 20 years ago) and he worked away all week and only saw me on a weekend. He made comments about how I could only wear a dress when I was out with him. Other flags ranged from him screaming in my face one night when I accidentally called him my husband’s name and another when he kicked his leg off my stairs when I mentioned a colleagues name and he ended up needing 4 stitches. Whenever we were together his phone was either always on flight mode or silent??
Throughout the 10 months we were together after our partners found out about our affair we had some really good times, but in the back of my head I never really believed he loved me, I always had doubts, but put them down to the way we met. I have recently found out he is still in contact with his wife, even though they have no children and no ties so I asked him what was going on. This resulted in the silent treatment for over a week, which ended up in me sending quite a few texts, ranging from angry ones to hurt ones. My head was all over the place. He eventually sent me a message to say he accepts it’s over, but he’ll always love me??? How can you treat someone this way if you love them. I’m struggling to understand how I meant so little to this man. I have to work with him too which is making it harder. I really don’t know if he is a sociopath or whether it’s all in my head, Everything in my head is blurry
Any advice appreciated
Somehow your post just hit my email. It is January. I hope you are not seeing him again. When I broke up with my LAST boyfriend even though he had been treating me really bad it still hurt. It hurt a LOT. Like a death. I had to grieve. The whole greaving process for a long time. It was horrible. I was not grieving for HIM it was for the relationship that should have been but never was. For my hopes and dreams and expectations.
So my advice is to know that you must grieve to get past this. NO CONTACT. It takes time…it may be a long time but eventually you will start to feel like yourself again. A wiser self…
Hang on tight and know that you are not alone we are right here with you.
Hi, I’m new to this site, but my goodness it has been a life saver.
The shortened version of my story goes like this…
After stupidly falling for a married coworker at a time when I was with my husband of 25 years, I decided to leave my husband after the affair lasted a year. My husband found out about the affair and told his wife, leaving us to be together freely. This is when I thought things started going wrong, but looking back, the red flags were there from the start. He told me he loved me after about 5 weeks and silly me believed him, why shouldn’t I? Whenever I went out on a night out with friends he would tell me not to wear a dress unless it was to my ankles.
Anyway, once we were together properly he seemed to change, he got really jealous of a male friend who to be fair was 30 stone and never his competition. He read some text messages between me and this friend where I’m discussing my concerns about my ex after he blew up when I suggested a night out with my friends. He even said to me he wasn’t going out with me again cos I’d spoiled it; why would I want to go out without him, even though he wasn’t going to be with me that night. He argued and argued with the most ridiculous reasoning that led me to talk to my friend. My ex read my messages which he did regularly without me knowing and told me to get rid of this friend and never contact him. I did, but in secret.
Other red flags started appearing, his phone was always on silent or on flight mode when we were together and when I questioned him he always denied it. Why didn’t I push him instead of accepting it when I knew it was lies. Maybe I didn’t want to think I’d thrown away 25 years of marriage and needed it to work.
One night (about 2 weeks after I left my husband) he screamed at me in my face because I had called him my husband’s name by accident and another time he kicked my stairs so hard he needed 4 stitches in his leg, all because I had mentioned a good looking colleagues name.
Then came the marriage proposal ..
About 3 weeks ago I was staying at his and his wife rang 3 times at 7am and when I questioned it he started shaking saying she never rings, but he took the call downstairs out of my ear shot. This is when reality started to set in, I asked to see his phone bills… that was 3 weeks ago and when I tried to text him or call him he ignores me. I eventually got a message saying he accepts we are over and that he still loves me and to take care of myself. How the heck can someone treat another human with such coldness is beyond me, but I’ve been 5 days no contact after sending him a message to say I could never be friends with him, I’m pleased to be out of the relationship and good riddance.
Boy it isn’t easy, I’m an emotional wreck, ranging from anger to sadness within seconds and it doesn’t hurt that I have to work with him
Amanda…no contact works. Stick with it!!! I’ve have zero contact in almost four months, and blocked him from my and my son’s phone. Then last weekend he tried to come to a place we both frequent and was, in the end, tossed out and told not to come back. Be open with people around you and the truth will shine through! Keep going…you can do it!!!
Thanks Susan, it’s hard when we work together but after reading today about the fake jealousy and the real jealousy for some reason it made sense and I feel less pain. Maybe I’m just having a better day. I still hate him though and I’m very bitter that mine and my children’s lives meant nothing to him.
Oh I seem to have posted three times … See my head is all over the place
Sorry, if this is long. I am still struggling badly with this. I don’t know what I have been dealing with.
I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn’t serious and that perhaps he was making up he had a gf in order for me not to get too attached to him. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his “gf” last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day.
At the start, I didn’t give it much importance, as I didn’t really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks’ time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start. He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.
I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.
When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I could undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we could talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.
Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was *f a girl in another country.
In August I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.
Whenever I asked if we would talk he said that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. I said to him to call me sometime and he said “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says “because I didn’t want to”. And then he said “appreciate it, that I call you”.
Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don’t know what to think anymore.
I always saw he is manipulative, etc but the “beating me” part, that really scared me. I saw another side of him I never thought I would.
While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that that felt a bit like being forced somehow. Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! he brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.
Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cutt off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off”. I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.
Then, 9 weeks ago we were sending some messages on whatsapp and he basically told me that he won’t meet me again, that it was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I was so hurt at the cold way he was talking to me plus he had said something I didn’t understand and he told me I was illiterate, stupid and dead slow on the uptake. He also told me I am useless. At that moment I went and I told him that he might not meet again because I interfere with his whores but that I won’t meet him again because I don’t meet beaters. Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore but I have the feeling I am blocked for good now.
I must add one thing that came into my mind now. At the start of our talks at the very beginning he once told me I was going to get addicted to him and at another point he told I was addicted to him but that I just didn’t know it yet.
I’m so sorry…that would be a nightmare to be pregnant and possibly tied the rest of my life to one of these psychos. But, rest assured, he does not want your children. He doesn’t even want his own. He wants to A) use the threats against the children to control you. B) Get the children out of the picture so you can continue to support him without your attention and finances taken elsewhere, C) use his own child to keep a connection to you as longs as he needs to. If you decide to kick him out and never speak to him again, he’ll use his parental rights to be able to continue to come into your life and torment you and you’ll never be fully rid of him. My ex has 7 kids by 7 women and, if the rumor is correct, another on the way. He has a pattern of getting his women pregnant because he thinks he can use the child this way. He is also homeless and goes from woman to woman until he’s kicked out or finds someone better. He collects women and the only way any of them have been able to shut him out is because he can’t afford child support for any of them, but for 2 of them, he keeps going back to court and trying. All to stay in the lives of those 2 specific women. The two he was with longest. I really hope you’ve thought this pregnancy through and are willing to have and raise this man’s child. It may seem cold and callous, but going through what I’ve gone through and knowing what his other women have had to deal with, I would not. I’d be making an immediate appointment at the abortion clinic and then getting away from him immediately. I know that’s not an option for all women, so whatever you choose, I wish you the very best, but he’ll make a terrible father to any child, so keep your babies away from him.
Hi, I first came across the term sociopath only a few years ago and ever since, I have been trying too understand what it really means and whether i knew someone who was indeed a sociopath. Turns out I now believe my problem lies in not understanding normal relationships as I do not think I have ever had one.
There are currently two people in my mind, both of which need an entire comment for themselves. But I will tell you about the one that I did (and perhaps still do) consider the ‘love of my life’, Toni.
Toni entered my life through a common friend who thought we were perfect to each other and introduced us. Just a few days later I was already madly in love with this guy who seemed to be keen in giving his life up just for me. He seduced me and before we entered into sexual relations, he phoned his current girlfriend to ‘break up’ with her in front of me, so we could start afresh and she did not get cheated on (‘she didn’t deserve that’, so he said). At this point, I was 23 years old and in a transition period. My university studies were going really badly, so I had just quit, I was working to try to survive and figure out what to do next, and I was setting everything up to start a new life in a different country where I could have more opportunities.
Although we both were living in different cities, we both come from the same place. This I just told you happened during Christmas, so I was back at home for the holiday period and the original plan was to return to my other city to finish my job and collect all my belongings before moving to another country.
But that all changed thanks to him. I wanted to stay, I wanted to be him and he ‘wanted’ me to stay and marry him. But I had no money whatsoever, and although he was offering me his house to live together, it ‘somehow’ never really materialized and so, I and no choice but to leave and search for a job elsewhere. I moved to the UK.
I worked there for a few months whilst in touch with this guy through my friend (at the time, mobile phones were still not so common and international calls were very expensive for somebody with no funds). My friend however, kept contacting me to tell me how desperate he was because I was not there and how much he wanted me to be there with him. He also had an issue over a street fight that did not allow him to move out of the country and come with me (but his is another story where more people are thrown into, and I should have listened to them rather than to him).
Anyway, after I made a bit of money and my friend had got me indirectly a job to get by in my city, I returned to my city, so happy thinking that I would be with him and he would be there waiting for me. And he was… for two days! After that, he made no further contact, if I found him in the street, it was as if he did not even know who I was anymore. No feelings whatsoever, just a cold heart, distant look. If I called him, he would not answer the phone but his Mom did, and she would ask me whether I knew where he was, because she was worried.
Turns out he was into drugs too. (Yes, a real jewel but I still blamed myself for this, because I left him instead of being there for him when he needed help. ‘It was the drugs, not him that did not love me:, I said to myself). And I embarked on a meaningless journey of trying to make him reason and bring him back to his own self, the person I was madly in love with. The best person in the world).
A whole year I spent like this. I would go to work and then I would go to try and find him and talk to him for the rest of the day until I had to work again. There was no point in sleeping because anyway, I could not lie in bed and sleep knowing he was in so much danger and pain because of me. I lost lots of weight, I cried repeatedly, I was a walking zombie. My friends wanted to take me to therapy because they saw me completely emaciated.
I did not follow this advise, it costed money I did not have, but I started to believe he was beyond help and all I was achieving was losing my life too. So at this point, I had quite literally, already given him my entire life.
I decided I needed to break free from this vicious circle and with all the pain in the world, I returned to the UK after being accepted for a degree. I did not go back in more than a year for fear of not being strong enough to resist the temptation of trying to save him again, and the time went by. During three years I did not know anything at all about him except for two or three random and less than five minutes calls that left me hurting every time, not even through friends (who I enquired often hoping to learn about his fate).
Then, I finally thought I was over it and met another person, Ed. Ed tried for months to get a response from me, I did not want to. But eventually, I agreed and we started dating. We were travelling to my city for yet another Christmas period and on the way over there, I received a call from Toni. Completely out of the blue. It turned my world upside down again. There I was, with this marvelous guy by mi side and all I could do was thinking Toni needed me and I could not see him because he could not know I let him down and was with another guy. I didn’t even answer the phone. That hurt so badly.
A while after, our common friend told me how he was doing great, that he got married and was having a child. Incidentally, the dates coincide with the time when he was trying to get hold of me. To this day I believe he wanted her to be me and somehow he was checking whether I had moved on or not, to proceed to marry her.
Then again, I did not hear from him in years. This time it was zero contact for about 4-5 years. In the meantime, I was still with Ed (on and off).
I completed my degree, my masters, my PhD, I had various jobs to get by whilst studying… I was busy, very busy.
And then, I got unemployed, suddenly overqualified and could not even support myself anymore. Ed and I were at a really bad time and I wanted to leave him anyway. He moved away so I was forced to leave my house. Because of that and the lack of opportunities, I took the chance to once more, move to another country. This time Germany. I spent a year looking for a job with no luck, learning German and trying to create a normal life. I ended up with lots of friends, and amazing social life and an amazing guy who seemed perfect.
Then I went home for Christmas and guess who contacted me casually through facebook? Yes, Toni. But I did not mind.If anything I was happy to see he was alright and we decided to meet. He told me how he overcame the drug problem and I was the greatest help in his life. How he really wanted to be with me and that although we were both in separate relationships at the time, we should consider getting back together if these relations did not work for us. He had separated from the mother of his child and was dating another woman. I couldn’t help it, I found him so adorable. We kissed. I felt just like when we met but I still wanted to be my boyfriend. He was great and I was going back to Germany and I had a few interviews upon my return. It had to work, it was going to work, and I was happy there. So I went back but Toni and I kept in touch just like friends.
As usual in my life, nothing was quite what it seemed, and my boyfriend was an idiot who cheated on me, I did not get any job and I had completely run out of money. At this point, interviews all over the UK were being offered to me,so my decision was clear, UK it was.
Less than two weeks after I reached the UK again, my sister who was living there too ta the time, told me she had just being diagnosed with cancer and wanted me to travel to my home city to inform my family because she did not feel capable of doing so herself, it was going to be a heavy hit on the family. I of course, need to get back after this, leave my plans to one side, to become her carer during treatment.
And so, I went back to my home city once more. Toni and I were still in touch as good friends, and I needed a friend, really badly. I met with my girlfriends, but couldn’t tell them I was meeting him afterwards. They hate him.
Toni and I met, I broke up and started crying. He hugged me. That was it. We slept together and I went back to the UK the following day. I was pregnant.
We kept in touch and talked about getting together. I said I needed to be in the UK to help my sister but I could return after her treatment. After all, I had no job and no real ties anywhere. But I found out I was pregnant and I told him. He became erratic. As usual, his explosive behaviour became worse and worse. He promised me eternal love one day, the following he wouldn’t even call. Completely dismiss the fact that I was having a really hard time and needed to be strong for my sister, for the baby and for myself. Three months after, he blocked me from all social media, and did not get in touch with me again.
My sister recovered, I lost my baby (perhaps through so much crying in solitude) and life continued. I got different jobs in different places, did not manage to get a new life started. I was and am, just in survival mode. I work, that s about all the normal things that I have in my life now. And I long for that baby, not a baby, but his baby. A part of him that could have stayed with me forever but as with him, he slipped through my fingers leaving no tracks behind. I dream about them and wake up in cold sweat.
This time I wanted to make him aware of my pain, I wanted him to see the suffering his caused again. And I managed to send him a message through fb. I did not want a reply, just to hurt him as much as I was hurting even though that was quite improbable. I only told him that that this baby had made me just as happy, if not more, than his dad once did. and now he was dead.
He replied immediately and of course, in his line of action, demanded that I called him. We have been in touch ever since. Well until last week when once again, he decided not to get in touch with me anymore even though he was making my search for flight times for him to come and talk to me and discuss what had happened, bla bla bla… empty promises as usual.
I guess at this point, if you have been able to follow this dull drill, you understand why I am writing here.
Firstly, I do not wish this to happen to anybody else. It is just plain cruelty.
Secondly, I do not think I can ever be normal again. I love his ‘good love’ and can’t find that anywhere else. I’m doomed.
Thirdly, I would like to discuss a couple of points with the rest of you.
As I said, I had no money for most of this time, and still I have very little money. But all of you agree that a sociopath will be interested in you supporting them. This is not my case. I cannot see how that could apply in this case and this is a bit puzzling.
Also, I believe he wanted to let me know that he is indeed a sociopath although i doubt he even knows this behaviour has a name. He has been more honest with me in the last three months than he has ever been. He has told me about his various sex partners, and how he cannot hold a normal relationship. I may be wrong, but could this be the case that he is trying to push me away so he does not hurt me anymore? Could this be a sign of real humanity from his part? Does this mean that a sociopath can actually ‘feel’ the pain of his consequences even at a very small degree and this is the point when they pretend you have done something horrible and stormed out to disappear?
@positivegirl, thank you for the site and for your comments. It is a great help to finally understand I am not crazy and there are people who do indeed act like this.
I’m still not certain if my ex is a sociopath. We were setup lived in different states (I’m in the US). We spoke by phone for months before we met in person. Then spent another few months seeing each other before becoming a couple. We were together for a year. When we first were speaking by phone he told me about a book he had written. I read it, it was good but I thought nothing more of it. At one point things changed dramatically – over night. He wouldn’t hold my hand anymore and was more cold and distant. When finally confronted he told me another woman from his past had contacted him and that he thinks he has been in love with her all his life. Even told me that she was one of the characters in his book. In the book described as the lost love of his life and he of hers, mythical beauty and on and on.. I couldn’t understand this at all..I was crushed. He also told me that the reason he had been in love with her all his life is that she was the only one who he felt was there for him when he was molested as a child (first time hearing that he was molested. He had told me he came from a broken home filled with alcoholism and physical and emotional abuse). I know some members of his family and none of them communicate at all..I mean at all! So his problem with communication is real. I said I would take him back when things with this other woman failed as I was certain (and still am) it would because I thought the deep emotional issue from his past and the childhood molestation (which he never got help for) were the drivers and he would see that soon enough. He continued to talk to me by phone periodically, email me and see me in person for six months. Then I found out he had lied and that after a vacation we took together he went to a high school reunion which is where he “reconnected” with this woman from his childhood. He never told me about this until I confronted him directly with it. From the moment he decided to leave me (when he received a call about the reunion) he lied to me, then he cheated on me and betrayed me. This is where I’m starting to think he may be a sociopath..He also blamed me for our breakup…listing and changing the reasons, he has never been accountable for his actions and he has shown very little empathy for my pain or remorse. There have been a few times though that he has shown guilt and remorse. He also is not at all an adept liar. The only lie I didn’t see for what is was was that he went to the reunion. I’m so completely confused. He now is reaching out to me asking me to explain how and why therapy works for me as when he has gone a couple times he has found it ‘underwhelming’. I haven’t responded yet. If all this is a result of what came from his childhood and in particular the childhood molestation then I want to be able to help even if only a little bit. But if he is a sociopath, perhaps as a result of what happened to him as a child or maybe just due to heredity, then I don’t want to get sucked back in. I thought he was the love of my life. He is an extremely successful man and also extremely intelligent. I too am accomplished at many things..but getting over him was not one of them. I don’t want to have to go through the agony that I’m slowly recovering from. But if this is all from the molestation and he isn’t a sociopath I would like to at least respond to his email briefly including a link to online help. Any advice, comments or suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you. And thank you for this site!! It has been the reason that I’m now wondering if I’m dealing with either an additional issue or perhaps the sole issue. I just need to figure out which and what to do next.
I am so glad I have found this site. Here is my story of 2 years with who I now believe to be a sociopath.
First off, my story is about having an affair, now I know that some people will think I deserve everything I get and believe me there are many things I’m ashamed of doing but the way in which he behaved I can’t even comprehend.
We met through work, my husband and I had not been getting along very well and one night a group of people from work went out for drinks. That’s when S and me began talking, I’d always found him a bit standoffish in the office but outside he seemed different, interesting, charismatic. It became something at the office Christmas party we all went out to a party night. I was getting the train home, but he said I could stay in the hotel room he booked – he’d sleep on the floor. And well it began from there. He later admitted he’d booked the hotel room with the intent of getting me there.
Over the next few weeks we went for lunch, dinner we learned a lot about each other, he was married too, that they were very happily married and then he dropped the bombshell that his wife was pregnant! I didn’t know what to say! He later said she lost the baby about 10 weeks in, that she’d had a type of cancer. He was really messed up blamed himself because of us. I tried to be a friend and as a result we ended up in a full blown affair. The affair was intense, like nothing I’d ever felt, he was intense, compliments all the time etc 40 text messages a day, He said he’d never done anything like this before etc. I now realise he was clever, he’d asked what was wrong in my marriage and I’d told him my husband wasn’t a very strong man and I ended up taking on a lot of the pressures at home, S listened and then took on that persona of the strong male.
S is a Christian (I am not) and he told me he felt strong about his faith. A few months into things, he told me he’d been offered a job with the church, I was surprised, but a bit relieved, things were intense and I was concentrating at work like I should. I was confused though, this job with the church when he was having an affair with me.
Things were moving very quickly and last May while out for lunch he told me he loved me, I was shocked, surprised and honestly over the moon, how could this brilliant man be in love with me?? That weekend my husband confronted me he’d read a text message and asked me how S was. I told him, my husband was devastated I said I wasn’t happy anymore and thought we needed time apart, my husband begged me to stay. When I told S he panicked asked if my husband was going to tell his wife. I said I didn’t think so. He told me he wanted to meet my husband to explain – I now realise that was all to make me think he was good.
S left our workplace and went back to my marriage, but contact didn’t stop and a few months later we were seeing each other again. During this time he told me his marriage was really strained, that they weren’t having sex and had spoken about separating if things didn’t improve. Things weren’t great for me at home, if I’m honest I wasn’t trying, and thought my husband couldn’t compete with S – who by now I thought was the love of my life. I told S so much about me, he told me he never really opened up to anyone but with me he could, he would talk about things that had happened to him.
People at my work place had got wind of our affair and a few months later I moved to a new job, during that time S and me saw each other 3/4 times a week we worked 30 miles apart but he would drive – just to bring me a sandwich at lunchtime etc. The 40 texts a day continued, hourly long phone calls
In October my husband found out again, this time I left. When I told S again he panicked asking if my husband would tell his wife. I said I didn’t think so. I moved into a flat and my daughter spent time living between us both. During the time I was at that flat S became like my boyfriend – he’d stay over, we’d go to the cinema and dinner etc. He helped me decorate, build furniture. I realise now it was all just convenience he had somewhere to be with me that was -safe. In early December S sent me a text saying that he’d sent a text to his wife that was meant for me. He said she phoned him and she asked if he was having an affair – which he denied. He said he went home that night and his wife was crying saying she knew he wouldn’t do that. The next day he ended it with me, he said he needed to try in his marriage, that he and her had been happy til I had came along. I was devastated begged him to choose me, but he left. A few days later he text asking to talk, he said he’d made a mistake, I was so happy and things returned to as they were.
S and me talked about the future, he asked if I would have anymore kids, because he wanted to be a dad, I hadn’t really thought about it but in that moment I thought yes. He told me he cared deeply for his wife, but wasn’t in love with her, like he was me, that if he’d met me before he’d have asked me to marry him within 6 months. He said though it was more complicated with his faith and family and the church community. He began to speak about making a decision – he said he would make a decision in the new year. Christmas and New Year was horrible, I spent Christmas with my husband and daughter but New Year alone (my own doing) while he spend the whole festive period doing ‘family’ things. That’s when I decided I couldn’t go on, I told S over the phone that we needed to talk and he asked hat night to come talk face to face as he needed to tell me something, explain why he was struggling. That night he told he had been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about 7 years ago following an incident at work which led to him being fired and then him attempting suicide. He said that’s why he was struggling with his family that they had already been through so much. I understood, felt sorry for him, but glad he was opening up. He asked me to wait until Easter.
Over the next few months, we went through a rollercoaster, sometimes he was amazing other times cold distant. He told me that his gran who he cared about a lot became really ill in February, he said he was supporting his mum, and spent a lot of time at the hospital but he still tried to see me the odd lunch time. I was trying to be supportive, telling him not to worry that I wasn’t going anywhere.
Near the end of March we’d arranged for him to stay over at mine, we’d both taken the day off work. The day before he said he couldn’t stay anymore that he had something on the next day near home, that he couldn’t get out of. I was really disappointed but thought even just the day would be nice. When he arrived I was aware of how tired he looked, and then we had sex and he was cold, distant,mechanical – I was devastated, it was so demeaning. I went in the shower I cried – I knew I had to end it. And I did, I told him I could see the toll of all of this on him, his gran being ill etc and didn’t want to be adding to it. He didn’t even try once to change my mind. He left and I broke down in a heap on the floor. Over the next few days I barely functioned, I finally went to the drs who signed me off work and gave me anti-depressants. A friend invited me to her house for a week (she knew everything) and she started crying when she saw me, grey, thin, gaunt, like a ghost.
I told me husband that it was over, we’d stayed on good terms because of our daughter. He came to see me, hugged me as I cried inconsolably. He told me he loved me and he’d always be there for me. Gradually we spent more time together, going on dates, doing things together. I still cried almost every day but I began to heal a little more each day.
In the May S and me ended up at a party of a mutual co-worker. I didn’t stay long and headed home, he followed me to the train station, begging for forgiveness asking us to be friends. I remember screaming at him in the street that he’d broken my heart. He said he’d always love me. I said it was too late, I was trying with my family and I got on my train and left. He text me a few times over the next couple of weeks just asking how I was etc and I answered because I missed him he was like my best friend. But at the end of June I text to say I wouldn’t be in contact anymore that I was moving home to be with my husband. I knew that he and his wife wanted a family so I asked that he let me know, that he didn’t let me hear from someone else – he said he would.
I never heard anything for a few months and then in early August I got an email to say his with was pregnant. I felt sick, like I’d been punched in the stomach, it was too soon. I asked how far along she was and he said 12 weeks which meant it had happened in May weeks after he’d broken my heart. I couldn’t get my head round it. I had so many questions, he offered to meet to talk them through. We met in the same restaurant we always did, he told me he’d been a mess since we split up, drinking lots and that his wife had got pregnant one night when he was drunk. He told me the baby was due in Jan but I realised that didn’t add up that would mean she was 16 weeks pregnant, I asked him, he said he cycle is a bit messed up so she might be. I asked if he was having sex with her while with me and he swore he wasn’t (the thing is I wouldn’t have expected him not to be having sex with her) but he had always been insistent they hadn’t had sex since the miscarriage. He told me he’d missed me and could we be friends. The truth was I missed him too so we began to have lunch, he’d run me home. I’d missed my friend and I thought well if we can at least save something from this mess it would be worthwhile. We spent a lot of time together and slipped back to old ways. I knew it was wrong but told myself it was a way of easing some of the hurt and that once the baby arrived things would change. He told me that the pregnancy was fraught, his wife was in and out of hospital, he text one day when he’d arranged to take me home to say he couldn’t as his wife had been rushed to hospital, that she spent the whole weekend there, that she was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and had been ordered on bed rest. I felt terrible said we had to stop. He was still going to work 40 miles away from home, I told him to work at home look after her, that she must be scared. I told hi, to go home and do nice baby things.
A few weeks later we were out for lunch, I asked how she was and he said the same, bed-rest, dr in and out. We agreed we need things to end, but he asked for one more day just us, even after everything I was still madly in love. I wanted us to stay friends forever. One thing was niggling me though, the due date. I asked again if he was sleeping with her before we split and he swore to god he hadn’t that it had been in May. When I got home I felt better but it still didn’t add up so I checked on line for her ‘due date’ and it wasn’t biologically possible, I sent the link to him and asked for the truth he phoned immediately saying it wasn’t mid may like he’d said it was early may. I asked why he’d lied. He said I don’t want you to think bad of me. I asked why he’d swore to god, he said he didn’t know. I asked him to swear on his baby’s life he was now telling the truth. I asked why if he wasn’t lying and he admitted the baby was due December. I hung up my world spinning he’d been trying for a baby with her while with me. He tried to phone me over 20 times, leaving voicemails saying he was sorry, the love is real, please speak to him. I ignored him, got in the shower thought about the night before and almost scrubbed myself raw. I got out and called him. I was so angry, he was apologising. I said to why shouldn’t I tell your wife, he begged me not to, saying he’d never see his baby, she’s leave him, that he’d not been honest with me he’d been in a ‘sexting’ relationship about 6 years ago and she’d thrown him out that they’d separated for 6 months. That he’d not been honest about he he’d lost his job, that he’d been caught sending porn,. I couldn’t believe everything I was hearing. I asked how long long he’d been ‘trying with his wife’ and he admitted since Oct. So all that time when I’d left my home, he was living the happy life at home, that last day when he degraded me so I would end it. My head was spinning but some how I knew it still wasn’t the truth. So I asked again when is the baby due and he said next week (early Nov). The next bit is a blur, I said what? He said next week, I asked why had he lied he said he couldn’t admit it. I asked if she really had pre-eclampsia he said yes. I asked how was he going to explain the baby came early – he said he was going to tell me it was premature. It all began to make sense.
At that moment I knew he had to be stopped, his lying to me, his wife, everyone had to stop. So I gave him 3 options, that he tell his wife, I tell his minister or I tell his wife, he said he couldn’t do any of them. So I hung up, drove to his house ignored his 50 telephone calls and voicemails (including the one where he said he’d been in a crash!!) I sat outside his house, I didn’t know what to do. And then something snapped and I got out and walked up to his door, his wife saw me coming and got up to answer the door (in that moment I thought will I saw I’m at the wrong house) but when she opened the door 39 weeks pregnant, I spoke, I told her I was really sorry to do this while she was pregnant but her husband had been having an affair for almost 2 years, he lied all the way through to her to me. She asked me to come in, she was shaking I was shaking, but she was kind. We sat down and she said she couldn’t believe it, I said calmly – really can’t you or have you had your suspicions – she nodded and said yes she had. I told her it all, she told me things about them, that he hadn’t just been texting this other woman he’d been seeing her and they’d split for 2 years. That he’d had drug and gambling issues but had sworn this was behind him. I asked about her health, she was fine, had been the whole pregnancy, I told her what he’d said – it became clear it was all a lie.
At that moment he arrived home, I’ll never forget his face as he saw me sitting on the sofa, he’d been caught. He came in and stared crying saying I’m sorry and then he ran out the house and drove away. We spoke some more and then his wife said she was worried what he would do, so she called him, I could hear him on the other side crying saying he couldn’t come back. At that moment I text and said to come back. He did. He came in and stood by the door. She asked what he had to say and he admitted he’d been having an affair with me for almost 2 years, that it wasn’t just physical but emotional too, that he’d lied to her and to me. She asked why, he said he didn’t know, she said we’re having a baby and he said I know. I then left, I apologised to her, but said he needed to be stopped because I think he would have continued like this forever she nodded. As I passed him I told him never to contact me again. As I left and drove home I cried so hard, all the things over the last 2 years going round my head. She was pregnant in Feb, he knew she was pregnant back in March. Everything was a lie.
He did contact me, first to ask me not to tell anyone else and then to tell me he was sorry. He then sent an email telling me he was going to see a counsellor, and gave some excuses from childhood to why he’d lied. I asked him why he’d lied about so much, what was true and what wasn’t. He said he just wanted me to love him. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then he has said she’s throwing him out, at first it was after the baby was born, then after Christmas and now after Easter. He still wants to be my friend blah blah blah. On Sunday his daughter was born, he text to tell me, I sent a simple congratulations and blocked his number and have set all emails to auto delete.
My husband knows everything and I feel like such a fool for giving up my family for a fraud. It’s horrible to realise the person you thought you were in love with doesn’t exist, it’s like a death. I have so many questions but I now realise the only person who can give me them is a liar, so I will never have them answered. After googling liars etc, I found this site and I felt comfort not alone, that I can get through this.
They always bomb you with what you think is the truth, but everything is a lie. Mine have 3 ex wives who he battered. He says he is the best dad, but he has abused them physically and mentally.
so glad I have found this site. Here is my story of 2 years with who I now believe to be a sociopath.
First off, my story is about having an affair, now I know that some people will think I deserve everything I get and believe me there are many things I’m ashamed of doing but the way in which he behaved I can’t even comprehend.
We met through work, my husband and I had not been getting along very well and one night a group of people from work went out for drinks. That’s when S and me began talking, I’d always found him a bit standoffish in the office but outside he seemed different, interesting, charismatic. It became something at the office Christmas party we all went out to a party night. I was getting the train home, but he said I could stay in the hotel room he booked – he’d sleep on the floor. And well it began from there. He later admitted he’d booked the hotel room with the intent of getting me there.
Over the next few weeks we went for lunch, dinner we learned a lot about each other, he was married too, that they were very happily married and then he dropped the bombshell that his wife was pregnant! I didn’t know what to say! He later said she lost the baby about 10 weeks in, that she’d had a type of cancer. He was really messed up blamed himself because of us. I tried to be a friend and as a result we ended up in a full blown affair. The affair was intense, like nothing I’d ever felt, he was intense, compliments all the time etc 40 text messages a day, He said he’d never done anything like this before etc. I now realise he was clever, he’d asked what was wrong in my marriage and I’d told him my husband wasn’t a very strong man and I ended up taking on a lot of the pressures at home, S listened and then took on that persona of the strong male.
S is a Christian (I am not) and he told me he felt strong about his faith. A few months into things, he told me he’d been offered a job with the church, I was surprised, but a bit relieved, things were intense and I was concentrating at work like I should. I was confused though, this job with the church when he was having an affair with me.
Things were moving very quickly and last May while out for lunch he told me he loved me, I was shocked, surprised and honestly over the moon, how could this brilliant man be in love with me?? That weekend my husband confronted me he’d read a text message and asked me how S was. I told him, my husband was devastated I said I wasn’t happy anymore and thought we needed time apart, my husband begged me to stay. When I told S he panicked asked if my husband was going to tell his wife. I said I didn’t think so. He told me he wanted to meet my husband to explain – I now realise that was all to make me think he was good.
S left our workplace and went back to my marriage, but contact didn’t stop and a few months later we were seeing each other again. During this time he told me his marriage was really strained, that they weren’t having sex and had spoken about separating if things didn’t improve. Things weren’t great for me at home, if I’m honest I wasn’t trying, and thought my husband couldn’t compete with S – who by now I thought was the love of my life. I told S so much about me, he told me he never really opened up to anyone but with me he could, he would talk about things that had happened to him.
People at my work place had got wind of our affair and a few months later I moved to a new job, during that time S and me saw each other 3/4 times a week we worked 30 miles apart but he would drive – just to bring me a sandwich at lunchtime etc. The 40 texts a day continued, hourly long phone calls
In October my husband found out again, this time I left. When I told S again he panicked asking if my husband would tell his wife. I said I didn’t think so. I moved into a flat and my daughter spent time living between us both. During the time I was at that flat S became like my boyfriend – he’d stay over, we’d go to the cinema and dinner etc. He helped me decorate, build furniture. I realise now it was all just convenience he had somewhere to be with me that was -safe. In early December S sent me a text saying that he’d sent a text to his wife that was meant for me. He said she phoned him and she asked if he was having an affair – which he denied. He said he went home that night and his wife was crying saying she knew he wouldn’t do that. The next day he ended it with me, he said he needed to try in his marriage, that he and her had been happy til I had came along. I was devastated begged him to choose me, but he left. A few days later he text asking to talk, he said he’d made a mistake, I was so happy and things returned to as they were.
S and me talked about the future, he asked if I would have anymore kids, because he wanted to be a dad, I hadn’t really thought about it but in that moment I thought yes. He told me he cared deeply for his wife, but wasn’t in love with her, like he was me, that if he’d met me before he’d have asked me to marry him within 6 months. He said though it was more complicated with his faith and family and the church community. He began to speak about making a decision – he said he would make a decision in the new year. Christmas and New Year was horrible, I spent Christmas with my husband and daughter but New Year alone (my own doing) while he spend the whole festive period doing ‘family’ things. That’s when I decided I couldn’t go on, I told S over the phone that we needed to talk and he asked hat night to come talk face to face as he needed to tell me something, explain why he was struggling. That night he told he had been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about 7 years ago following an incident at work which led to him being fired and then him attempting suicide. He said that’s why he was struggling with his family that they had already been through so much. I understood, felt sorry for him, but glad he was opening up. He asked me to wait until Easter.
Over the next few months, we went through a rollercoaster, sometimes he was amazing other times cold distant. He told me that his gran who he cared about a lot became really ill in February, he said he was supporting his mum, and spent a lot of time at the hospital but he still tried to see me the odd lunch time. I was trying to be supportive, telling him not to worry that I wasn’t going anywhere.
Near the end of March we’d arranged for him to stay over at mine, we’d both taken the day off work. The day before he said he couldn’t stay anymore that he had something on the next day near home, that he couldn’t get out of. I was really disappointed but thought even just the day would be nice. When he arrived I was aware of how tired he looked, and then we had sex and he was cold, distant,mechanical – I was devastated, it was so demeaning. I went in the shower I cried – I knew I had to end it. And I did, I told him I could see the toll of all of this on him, his gran being ill etc and didn’t want to be adding to it. He didn’t even try once to change my mind. He left and I broke down in a heap on the floor. Over the next few days I barely functioned, I finally went to the drs who signed me off work and gave me anti-depressants. A friend invited me to her house for a week (she knew everything) and she started crying when she saw me, grey, thin, gaunt, like a ghost.
I told me husband that it was over, we’d stayed on good terms because of our daughter. He came to see me, hugged me as I cried inconsolably. He told me he loved me and he’d always be there for me. Gradually we spent more time together, going on dates, doing things together. I still cried almost every day but I began to heal a little more each day.
In the May S and me ended up at a party of a mutual co-worker. I didn’t stay long and headed home, he followed me to the train station, begging for forgiveness asking us to be friends. I remember screaming at him in the street that he’d broken my heart. He said he’d always love me. I said it was too late, I was trying with my family and I got on my train and left. He text me a few times over the next couple of weeks just asking how I was etc and I answered because I missed him he was like my best friend. But at the end of June I text to say I wouldn’t be in contact anymore that I was moving home to be with my husband. I knew that he and his wife wanted a family so I asked that he let me know, that he didn’t let me hear from someone else – he said he would.
I never heard anything for a few months and then in early August I got an email to say his with was pregnant. I felt sick, like I’d been punched in the stomach, it was too soon. I asked how far along she was and he said 12 weeks which meant it had happened in May weeks after he’d broken my heart. I couldn’t get my head round it. I had so many questions, he offered to meet to talk them through. We met in the same restaurant we always did, he told me he’d been a mess since we split up, drinking lots and that his wife had got pregnant one night when he was drunk. He told me the baby was due in Jan but I realised that didn’t add up that would mean she was 16 weeks pregnant, I asked him, he said he cycle is a bit messed up so she might be. I asked if he was having sex with her while with me and he swore he wasn’t (the thing is I wouldn’t have expected him not to be having sex with her) but he had always been insistent they hadn’t had sex since the miscarriage. He told me he’d missed me and could we be friends. The truth was I missed him too so we began to have lunch, he’d run me home. I’d missed my friend and I thought well if we can at least save something from this mess it would be worthwhile. We spent a lot of time together and slipped back to old ways. I knew it was wrong but told myself it was a way of easing some of the hurt and that once the baby arrived things would change. He told me that the pregnancy was fraught, his wife was in and out of hospital, he text one day when he’d arranged to take me home to say he couldn’t as his wife had been rushed to hospital, that she spent the whole weekend there, that she was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and had been ordered on bed rest. I felt terrible said we had to stop. He was still going to work 40 miles away from home, I told him to work at home look after her, that she must be scared. I told hi, to go home and do nice baby things.
A few weeks later we were out for lunch, I asked how she was and he said the same, bed-rest, dr in and out. We agreed we need things to end, but he asked for one more day just us, even after everything I was still madly in love. I wanted us to stay friends forever. One thing was niggling me though, the due date. I asked again if he was sleeping with her before we split and he swore to god he hadn’t that it had been in May. When I got home I felt better but it still didn’t add up so I checked on line for her ‘due date’ and it wasn’t biologically possible, I sent the link to him and asked for the truth he phoned immediately saying it wasn’t mid may like he’d said it was early may. I asked why he’d lied. He said I don’t want you to think bad of me. I asked why he’d swore to god, he said he didn’t know. I asked him to swear on his baby’s life he was now telling the truth. I asked why if he wasn’t lying and he admitted the baby was due December. I hung up my world spinning he’d been trying for a baby with her while with me. He tried to phone me over 20 times, leaving voicemails saying he was sorry, the love is real, please speak to him. I ignored him, got in the shower thought about the night before and almost scrubbed myself raw. I got out and called him. I was so angry, he was apologising. I said to why shouldn’t I tell your wife, he begged me not to, saying he’d never see his baby, she’s leave him, that he’d not been honest with me he’d been in a ‘sexting’ relationship about 6 years ago and she’d thrown him out that they’d separated for 6 months. That he’d not been honest about he he’d lost his job, that he’d been caught sending porn,. I couldn’t believe everything I was hearing. I asked how long long he’d been ‘trying with his wife’ and he admitted since Oct. So all that time when I’d left my home, he was living the happy life at home, that last day when he degraded me so I would end it. My head was spinning but some how I knew it still wasn’t the truth. So I asked again when is the baby due and he said next week (early Nov). The next bit is a blur, I said what? He said next week, I asked why had he lied he said he couldn’t admit it. I asked if she really had pre-eclampsia he said yes. I asked how was he going to explain the baby came early – he said he was going to tell me it was premature. It all began to make sense.
At that moment I knew he had to be stopped, his lying to me, his wife, everyone had to stop. So I gave him 3 options, that he tell his wife, I tell his minister or I tell his wife, he said he couldn’t do any of them. So I hung up, drove to his house ignored his 50 telephone calls and voicemails (including the one where he said he’d been in a crash!!) I sat outside his house, I didn’t know what to do. And then something snapped and I got out and walked up to his door, his wife saw me coming and got up to answer the door (in that moment I thought will I saw I’m at the wrong house) but when she opened the door 39 weeks pregnant, I spoke, I told her I was really sorry to do this while she was pregnant but her husband had been having an affair for almost 2 years, he lied all the way through to her to me. She asked me to come in, she was shaking I was shaking, but she was kind. We sat down and she said she couldn’t believe it, I said calmly – really can’t you or have you had your suspicions – she nodded and said yes she had. I told her it all, she told me things about them, that he hadn’t just been texting this other woman he’d been seeing her and they’d split for 2 years. That he’d had drug and gambling issues but had sworn this was behind him. I asked about her health, she was fine, had been the whole pregnancy, I told her what he’d said – it became clear it was all a lie.
At that moment he arrived home, I’ll never forget his face as he saw me sitting on the sofa, he’d been caught. He came in and stared crying saying I’m sorry and then he ran out the house and drove away. We spoke some more and then his wife said she was worried what he would do, so she called him, I could hear him on the other side crying saying he couldn’t come back. At that moment I text and said to come back. He did. He came in and stood by the door. She asked what he had to say and he admitted he’d been having an affair with me for almost 2 years, that it wasn’t just physical but emotional too, that he’d lied to her and to me. She asked why, he said he didn’t know, she said we’re having a baby and he said I know. I then left, I apologised to her, but said he needed to be stopped because I think he would have continued like this forever she nodded. As I passed him I told him never to contact me again. As I left and drove home I cried so hard, all the things over the last 2 years going round my head. She was pregnant in Feb, he knew she was pregnant back in March. Everything was a lie.
He did contact me, first to ask me not to tell anyone else and then to tell me he was sorry. He then sent an email telling me he was going to see a counsellor, and gave some excuses from childhood to why he’d lied. I asked him why he’d lied about so much, what was true and what wasn’t. He said he just wanted me to love him. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then he has said she’s throwing him out, at first it was after the baby was born, then after Christmas and now after Easter. He still wants to be my friend blah blah blah. On Sunday his daughter was born, he text to tell me, I sent a simple congratulations and blocked his number and have set all emails to auto delete.
My husband knows everything and I feel like such a fool for giving up my family for a fraud. It’s horrible to realise the person you thought you were in love with doesn’t exist, it’s like a death. I have so many questions but I now realise the only person who can give me them is a liar, so I will never have them answered. After googling liars etc, I found this site and I felt comfort not alone, that I can get through this.
Jellyfish, there are lots of similarities between your story and mine. I just posted mine. Not sure if it’s there because I’m having trouble navigating this part of the site. Anyway, both our S’s lied frequently and easily; both were married and made promises to us with no intention of keeping them; and neither got mean (which threw me off when I was determining if he was an S, but he’s got to be). 9 weeks ago tomorrow I ended it with him for the last time. 2 weeks later he started hoovering like crazy, and didn’t stop until I had a lawyer send a letter to his house (which his wife got). That was a week ago. And since then, every day I feel stronger and better. As will you. Unfortunately you have to accept he isn’t who you thought you were. You were in love with an illusion. The real man is the one who lies to everyone and doesn’t even feel bad about it. You kept your word. He didn’t. You are so much better off without him. The best thing that can happen to you is if his wife decides to keep him, because then he will probably bother you less. I’m hoping that’s what happens with mine, because I fear if she leaves him he will really be relentless. Right now I’m taking one day at a time, and each day of no contact with him brings additional clarity and understanding that he is disordered. Reading a lot and educating yourself really helps. Good luck and keep us posted!
Hi jelly fish
My affair was 4 years and he got someone Pregnabt while we were together. He hasnt even tild me – i found out from someone else.
It’s gutting isn’t it – the lies and deceit. Makes me want to curl up and die some days. I miss him but I realise I miss the man who never existed!!!
Hi positivagirl, I can’t see my story either. Maybe I don’t know how to navigate that part of the site. I posted a few days ago.
I was involved with a married man who is very successful in his career, but discovery of an affair would be career ending for him. For four years he promised to leave his wife. I gave him deadlines. He would blow them. I would leave. He would chase me down, promise to leave her….and I would stupidly go back. He lied to me all the time about important things. I came to understand he lied to get what he wanted, without regard for what’s right. He manipulated me like an expert, making me feel like it was my fault he didn’t leave her or be honest with me. I finally had enough 9 weeks ago, when he once again (for the 7th or so time) didn’t leave her when he said he would. I googled “lack of empathy”, because I could never understand how he could keep hurting me like that, and came upon the sociopath and narcissist descriptions but was still skeptical until I found this website and wow it really hit home. The “lack of empathy” and “stalling for time” sections really resonated with me….the repeated pattern of breaking the same promise to me which never made any sense to me, etc. He doesn’t have all the traits though. He wasn’t mean openly. He never discarded me….but then again he is high profile and can’t just seek other supply without encountering big problems. I left him 9 weeks ago. I deleted my email and Skype which is how we mainly communicated. He began texting me from his phones. I blocked him. He created new numbers with an app. I was inundated with texts….4000 in 4 weeks. He called incessantly. Left voice mails begging to talk to me. Telling me he told his wife he wants a divorce (BS). He emailed me at work. Sent flowers. Scheduled a meeting at my workplace (he doesn’t live near me but we work in the same community). I took that day off to avoid him, and he became angry and nasty. Sent me texts that night that he was outside my house. Said he was coming to my office the next day. Wouldn’t leave me alone till I talked to him. I sent him two responses saying to leave me alone and stop harassing me. Didn’t work. Finally this week I changed both my cell numbers and had a lawyer send him a cease and desist letter. It arrived. His wife signed for it. I haven’t heard from him. I have moments of feeling bad that I did that, but I needed peace to heal, and he simply wouldn’t allow that. I’m not sure why I still take responsibility for his actions and the mess he made. I know I will never go back but am starting to deal with picking up the pieces of my heart and it’s hard! Now, applying the knowledge he is disordered, many things that didn’t make sense do. But I still wonder, is he really a sociopath??? I look forward to waking up without this being the first thing on my mind. Today I am feeling peace I haven’t had in a while. Hopefully it will keep getting better!
He does sound very much like a sociopath, I think we just want to believe that someone couldn’t be rotten to the core like that. But these men clearly are.
I hope the letter works and he leaves you in peace to heal. I get the NC helps with that now. Contact just feeds the addiction and doesn’t allow you to heal, everytime there is contact you need to start the healing all over again.
Emmm..i dont know how to tell you but you shouldnt even feel hurt…he is one of these guys tha personally i would laugh at and say:” please..you and me???hahahahaha..you wish!!!”…come on girl…he is an idiot and if he had problems when he grew up it is not your job to fix him or something…help yourself man!!
The best thing for me to do..stop even wondering or feeling bad or….and NEVER EVER AGAIN answer to any of his calls, mails, bolck him and just disapear…send him a message telling him that he need to find a way to keep his shit together and if he finds a way not to even bother you again and then block him (without waiting an answer)..
Never ever start wondering anything different than what if i was wrong or..come on…it’s so obvious…tell him to get a life (away from you!)
xxxx
It slowly slowly gets better
. I still think of my sp way too.much but I try hard to make myself think of negative things that happened whenever my mind pops up with something I miss. He lied so much and so long it’s not hard to find something
Again thanks Joelene, yes I regularly want to curl up and die, I often cry inconsolably when I think of all the lies. I just cannot get my head around it.
This site has helped me realise I will never get the answers I’m looking for and if I do get any then I will never know if they are the truth.
The hardest part is going over things from the last 2 years and realising probably every part was for show or an outright lie.
My S is a Christian – he’s very active in the church, he preached to me about God. How can that be? When he has been doing what he’s been doing knowingly.
I hope you are ok Joelene, here to talk anytime. xxx
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind replies. I like most of us, visit this page at least once a day when I feel weak, sad, lost. It’s been 16 days NC seems like some to nothing but when you’re missing what you thought was the other half of you – feels like forever.
Thing is, I know it was ALL lies,NOTHING was real, NOTHING but I think of him and his wife and new baby and I want to scream so loud!!!
Also I now realise, that I might not have been first, I think of the girl who previously split them up, what happened there? She was cast aside for him to go back.
That’s where I wonder – is it better for his wife to stay (what has she done to deserve this) or should I hope she finds the strength that means unfortunately he finds someone else’s life to destroy
My son met a young girl in Spain 17 years ago and she followed him to the Uk claiming she was pregnant with his child – we took her in as the story she told us was when you look back was something that we should have questioned but no we let her into our lives and our home as she had no money, no clothes and no family and friends worth talking about and again we didn’t question it! To cut a long story short they had 4 children whom we love dearly but – she abused my son so badly financially, emotionally and psychologically – he had a complete breakdown – she had been spreading her lies to everyone that would listen making out that he was abusing her. He suffered with PTS for 2 years and he had to go no contact to have any chance of getting over this horrendous abuse – it is so evil! What did she do but sent the children to abuse him and to stop their pain he had to go away – the children have lost contact with their dad because she continually drip feeds them – he is coming home for Christmas and had sent a message to let her know that he would have them for the 2 weeks he was home and she counter messaged him telling him that he would be having them for 2 long weekends whilst she goes to Spain to see her mother and because he couldn’t do that as he was working – she sent him an e-mail telling him that he was no longer having any contact with his children. She obviously wants a fight – court case she would love as she would put the best performance of her life and even if he could afford to do this he would lose the case that is what they are good at – getting everyone to believe the worst about you – this is the first Christmas we have been without the children for 16 years! It is about time these people were made to pay for the destruction they cause in peoples lives and this should have been law a long time ago!
There is no doubt in my mind that I have been involved with a sociopath on and off for 24 years. Yes, that long. I was the woman he turned to while he was shacking up and even married if he felt frustrated or, bored. I was not his mistress during his marriage (I wouldn’t allow that, but he never left me alone) I was the other woman while he was seeing a long term girlfriend, she never knew about me for four years.He love bombed me all of the time. Every morning I would have a new love note in my messages. I thought they were incredibly sweet but insincere from the first day. He would rarely give me the space I needed to recover from a busy work schedule. If he wanted something, he simply mentioned it several times an, eventually I would provide it to him. Expensive things at times. I broke up with him about 2 years ago because he would not divorce his second wife and because he would not give me any space (they weren’t living together for about 2 years). I also began to think that it really did not matter who I was that he just needed someone in his life an that he could replace me quickly if need be. While we were separated (I never lived with him) he never really left me alone. He would message, sometimes call, call my friends and one relative moaning about my absence. Telling them he would never love anyone more than me though he might date other people. After a year he convinced me to return to him. Within a couple of months he was distancing himself from me, though swearing again he would never love anyone other than me, while he was setting up a widow in the area. Within several months his dog died. He began to drink a lot and, he became nasty to me. He stopped communicating. I was diagnosed with cancer. When I told him he said, you don’t deserve that…as i, if did deserve other bad things, presumably because I broke up with him that year. . He stopped talking to me completely as I entered treatment. I never heard his voice again since last May. After treatment I contacted him maybe a dozen times via messaging. He would not talk on the phone and rarely answered a message. I discovered through Facebook he was seeing the widow he cut out of the flock (she might have money, fairly recently widowed). I confronted him, no answer…Long story short, he married her within 10 weeks and never contacted me to tell me. I read it on Facebook. I have been devastated. I am sure I have been portrayed as a nut…I am humiliated but determined to expose this man. I left at least one of his love notes on Facebook that said how much he loved me and how no other woman would ever compare (written months, not years ago) so that the new wife might read it or, one her friends. The new woman is unattractive. I think she is the golden goose and he is after her money and financial stability. He has no assets other than a modest retirement check. Am I correct in assuming he is a sociopath? I always knew he manipulated an conned people but never realized how serious it was until he dumped me like this with no real remorse. Now he is on a religion kick which I have to believe is mostly insincere…He seemed to enjoy putting this woman in my face, and yes hurting me as much as possible. I know I sound like I deserve this creep but I tell you, he had a spell on me. I really do not trust myself with him even today. I believe he will contact me again.
I think a new chapter should be written about the sociopath. I would call it “the constant”. I firmly believe I am not the only woman out here that has unknowingly provided some weird stability or, sense of stability to a sociopath. Could it be that we infuse the socipath with a renewed energy or resolve so that he can return to a wife or live-in for as long as necessary until her pockets are fully picked? Maybe we just fulfill the role of a mother confessor, someone he can drop his sad story on. Worse, just a will reserve unit…just in case he needs a place to run to.
Is it bad I get annoyed by the people who help these SP continue to carry out lies by refusing to acknowledge what they are doing, validating their behaviour. My SP’s wife knew, he’s been like that for years, she eventually left but took him back and they’ve now had a baby! Her life fell apart again one week before the birth, when I found out the extent of his lies, yet he’s still there. She still shares a bed with him. I know she will be vulnerable right now, but surely she knows better than anyone that he is incapable of change, I can’t even begin to imagine the lies he’s told her in their 16 years together (if that’s even how long they’ve been together). By letting him stay, surely she’s saying it’s ok to treat people like dirt!
I am just grateful that I didn’t have a child with him, like he said he wanted. I can’t imagine having that lying son of a bitch in my life forever.
I can see why you would be annoyed by the constant or, enabler. I can only speak for myself when I say until recently (after 24 years) I didn’t know he was a sociopath and his sad stories were always plausible. In addition, he chased me, stalked me and love bombed me relentlessly for days, months and even years until I was always worn down and convinced he loved me. Believe it or not, I feel victimized since he used me over and over and stole years of my life. Sadly, I believe he will attempt it again, married or not. I hope next time I will tell him to step off but at this moment and, given my history with him, I doubt it. 😦
I have just been discarded by a sociopath. The relationship flourished after the recent death of his wife. My confusion over this tumoultous relationship was exacerbated by my beliefs his mixed messages were due to grief. The ridiculous thing is I still feel sympathy for him having lost my own partner a few years ago. I’m finding getting my self back very difficult at the moment.
Hi Diamond ring, what makes you think that he is a sociopath? As what you say about somebody being affected by grief, and your own grief bringing the two of you together might be true.
A sociopath is likely to fake that the ex died (of something like cancer) to mirror and identify with you.
This has helped me so much. I finally caught sociopath Joshua A. In a lie and trying to go no contact. All he wants is sex and money. He is tech savvy and is using device stealth on my cell phone he expects me to pay his parking tickets and for his suspended drivers license
Hi everyone
So you sll.know i dated my sp for four years – incredible lies the while time and online dating the last two years. He ended it witj me in sept.
Introduced new gf to family in November and told his 10 yo that she was going to.be a big sister
Here it is christmas and no baby news, but the new gf was invited to christmas lunch
I was with him 4.5 yrs and never met anyone!!!!
So my question is will he be honest with her (she already knows his first name but he didn’t tell me for 2 yrs)?
@Jolene,
I know it’s not easy, but cut all communication, and that means the people and Internet places where you can see his whereabouts. The only person that theven sociopath loves are themselves the other ones they just use them. Concentrate on your healing and be grateful that all the crazyness have stop. Give it time, it will be better. I assure you. Merry Christmas!
I had this with the ‘group’ conversations that is how I knew he had met someone new and had changed his profile photo.
@Jolene
We have a daughter together and the only communication he have with her is to tell her things like that. As she says “dad needs another person to torture”. You don’t know how many times I have to stop myself of trying to communicate all the new woman in his life to prevent them from the danger he represents, but I know that at their eyes I will be the crazy one( I just communicate with one, cause she have two little kids of her own and was recently divorced and I was aware of the children I just send a link to his extensive criminal record). So please stop bothering.
A
They are never really part of anyones life Joelene, they are users and manipulators.. players, and SO hard work. Yes you are right, no more anxiety, wondering what he is up to. No more drama, just peace.
A friend once told me “He’s not going to be a different person just because he’s with someone new.” She wasn’t talking about my SP, but it still applies. I think it’s even more appropriate with Sociopaths. He might be trying to do things slightly different with the new woman, to get what he wants, but he’ll still revert to his comfort zone and eventually make her life a living hell. It’s just a matter of time. Be thankful he’s moved on to make someone else miserable and is no longer focused on you.
@Joelene,
I made a table with two lists the good things and the bad things. The good things took less than 4 or 5 lines, the bad things took pages. I analyze how these little things have so much weight and when I see it without passion I was able to see that all the good things came from me, not from him (great sex =I was so in love that all that happened seems great, travels=all the travels were paid by me, new things and things to do=I was the one who planned and paid for everything)
I was on the border of literally lose my life with my Pinnochio, he makes me sick, he abuse me financially, emotionally, verbally and at the final stages of our relationship physically. As he says one day when he is showing who he really are…”if I feel that I don’t have the control of you I need to regain it…with or without you”
You have been blessed by his rejection, at last you are free. Stop living under his control.
Happy Holidays to you!!! Yes they do this, usually its what you pay for, or what you provide. They just sell it to you that they are providing something that you do not have, when actually you had it all the time. They are a total waste of space really. Hope you had a good one and that 2016 will be amazing for you!!
@Jolene
They kept their victim away from their lives, cause this is the way they avoid that their new victim can see who they really are. His ex wife try to contact me and I thought “she is crazy” as he said to me. He is always saying that he is trying to get the custody of their children, but I never saw him with them. He says his family hate him and that’s why he doesn’t have contact with them. He says he doesn’t have male friends cause he can’t trust them because they are envious of his looks (he is really good looking) The truth is that his wife have suffered for 18 years of his infidelity and he battered her. The children are afraid of him and avoid contact with him. His family is great and avoid contact with him to stop the abuse he have kept for years against his family. His only friends are women, the supply he needed for his narcissism, all of them at different stages of his romancing. I understand all of these when I was at last able to contact the grandmother, aunts, brothers and sister of my child.
Hey you!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! You know that this is the first year I have gone into the year totally psycho free since 2008. YAY its a good feeling. It is amazing how much healing and recovery can be done in a year. That a year ago, I still had his freeloading ass in my house. He would move out end of January. I am so happy to be in 2016 and not 2015. Happy new year!!
Positiva,
He is a sociopath, he have a diagnostic as a borderline personality ( he says it is post traumatic stress disorder) He says something and act on another way I was so confused. I was able to know the truth when at last I was able to contact his family. Doctors make sociopath diagnostics?
How did you find the strength to.leave? In.many ways I can see how not.knowing will help me as my.imagination about how happy he is and how well he.is going – is much more colourfull than reality anyway.
But to cut off from.all knowledge if him is incredibly painful to imagine! what if he moves town???
5 days ago I left my bf.
I have all the negative feelings you all have or have felt.
I have so many questions as to if he is a sp
He has a lot of the characteristics, but
He did a lot for me, he was attentive, little special things, made sure I had a jacket on, he’d always say yes to things he didn’t want to do, drives, sex, Stay up late with me. He*d buy me small gifts, make me dinner a lot, he’d send me texts all day. ( texts that he couldn’t say in person)
He doesn’t know how to communicate in person well.
I do not feel love energy from him
He said he expresses love by doing things for me ( fixing things around my house ect. ). I never let him fix things because I’m not like that, I do not like to feel obligated to not know how to return favor.
Sex, rarely felt passionate. He’s a porn addict, and we always have to have light off so he can fantasize. I made him have sex every night that I could , so he wouldn’t do porn, or cheat ( pathetic of me I know) also I was extremely sexually attracted to him, I feel it was my way of getting real attention from him, even though he was fantasizing about his porn/other women.
He liked to make me feel small if I was excited about something other than him.
He knows a woman’s body, his gift is defiantly women, his massages were incredible, until I realized why he’d give them to me/ to keep me feeling cared for, it wasn’t bcuz he wanted to touch me. He never looked at me and got an erection, and I’m pretty, he’s not handsome to most, he looks like an old creepy man. He could easily get erected by TV or strangers walking down street. Sex to him was a chore for him with me, he made me feel degraded & hated that I got angry if we didn’t have sex.
Now I’m sounding like the crazy one & I was for staying,he would gas light me, a lot.
he mentioned a movie he watched where Cowboys built their farm, city wives would go to the farm, and would go crazy, they would be sent to a mental home, and they would get another wife and repeat how they made them crazy.
~ red flag ( again)
We went to therapy once , he went twice on his own for me, of course it just helped him feel like he didn’t have any problems. He lied thru it all.
I want him Back, I need to get back into my own therapist, I miss him, I miss companionship I’m guessing. He was very good at being good and very good at being hurtful. I’m a mess & I blocked him from my phone & Social networking. I’m angry because I know in my heart if he is a sociopath it was all cruel lies and all the love he claimed to have was fake. If my intuitions are real, he’s an artist at being an invincible cheater & liar.
He has those wierd stares.
He’d get lost in his fantasy world a lot ( stare into space)
He’d go out of his way to make me angry, then get mad because I was angry. We’d have hours and hours of cheating talks ( that doesn’t seem like an sp, to talk that long )
I’ve never had proof he cheated Only porn
I’m losing sleep & he’s sleeping like a baby or in bed with someone else.
I’m only at the very start of my healing journey. Wanting to burst into tears at the slightest things, and feeling alone and lost. My sociopath was a classic, as far as I can gather from all my research. He stole money from me and my teenage son, he was violent at times, loved to play scary practical jokes like jumping out of cupboards or barking loud in my ear like a dog, he damaged my property, even destroying cars causing me to have to take out loans for new cars, he only ever half fixed things or deliberately sabotage projects I was working on, he lied about everything all the time, he cheated many times, he withheld love, never worked for more than a couple of months, was an alcoholic, did scary things and blamed them on others claiming he had no knowledge then consoling me, I paid for courses that he’d start and not finish, I bought all his clothes. He was grumpy and mean, or so I hoped, because deep down I knew there was more to it, he was mentally insane, cause of the cold insane look he had in eyes. He couldn’t handle me staring at him with love- it freaked him out. He took everything from me, my trust, my happiness, my love, my money, my sanity, my dignity, everything. I truly believed he was my only friend in the world so I held on despite my better judgement for 6 years.
Hi freegirl, I am sorry that you are hurting. Being at the start of the journey is tough. He sounds very narcissistic and openly abusive towards you. I think what is tough when they are like that, is how worthless they make you feel inside. You feel worthless when you are with them, and when they leave you feel an empty shell of a person. Hurt beyond belief that anybody could be so cruel.
Do you know what is good though? He cannot take any more from you, he cannot cost you anymore. He cannot pull you down. He cannot ruin your self esteem anymore. There is nothing more he can do to you.
I know about that cold look of insanity, it is a spooky look. I would feel the energy change, the eyes would darken, colour would drain from the face, and the rage would take over, like a tornado of nothing I had ever seen before in my life.
Please stick to no contact, and stay away from him, it will help you to heal and recover.
Thankyou so much for your encouraging words and advice. If this was the universe giving me a lesson in boundaries then the world is cruel, but I’ve learned that lesson. A new year and a new me. Thanks once again, you really are my lifeline right now. x
@free girl
Everything will be better. Give it time…and of course, ¡no contact! You have the power to regain control of your life.
Happy free new year!
I have been reading the posts and other websites for the past couple of days. I know my ex boyfriend is a narcissist/SP but my heart still wants to put on rose colored glasses.We dated for 18 months but have known each other for years. Sadly, when I typed “we dated” I realized he would say that we didn’t. I was married throughout our relationship. I separated from my husband before he and I became romantically involved. Our relationship was all consuming. He texted and messaged me every day for hours at a time, even throughout the night. He would call and talk to me for hours when I was at work. I would spend all my free time either being with him or trying to be with him, meaning making arrangements for my other responsibilities to child and family members or friends and work to be taken care of. He always complained I never had enough time for him. I felt stretched between work responsibilities and other relationships always trying to give him more time. I wanted to be with him and always found it painful to leave him, mostly because I knew he would often retaliate with silent treatments or ” time off” periods wherein he would halt our romantic and sexual relationship. We would sometimes go months in “time off” periods where we would be together, sharing the same bedroom but not being physically intimate. He gave me access to every part of his life and always emphasized that to demonstrate how much he trusted me and that I had “special access”. He did all this but emphatically professed that he did not and would not love me. That our relationship was a “pretend” and I should not get “too attached” He did not give me gifts or things, other taking me out to eat. He never spoke sweetly to me and rarely used terms of endearment and would often say I needed to move on. Which is different from the typical SP. The “time off” periods always ended with intense periods of sexual involvement and I would always wind up feeling hopeful that he was beginning to “feel for me.” Near the end of our relationship I moved in with him. In some respects this reduced my stress because I was more accessible to him and didn’t have to juggle so much, but he still never seemed satisfied and he continued to say ” it was all pretend” and he did not love me. He would always refer to our friendship of many years as being the reason he continued on with me. He wanted me to finalize my divorce and he was very demanding about it, lecturing me sometimes for hours. I was miserable all the time. I was deeply in love with him and wanted so much for him to return the same. I kept trying harder. After several months of living together and 2 particularly intense arguments, 1 of which regarded his involvement with another woman online I followed my gut and moved out. I believed if I lived in my own space and we continued to date we could work though some things and maybe he would come to love and appreciate me. Initially he reacted as if he was devastated that I moved out. Over the course of about a month he became more and more distant. Then one night it just all ended. He cut me out. The texts, messaging and phone calls just stopped. After almost 2 years of constant contact it just stopped. A black hole. I learned he had become interested in another woman. I responded with devastation and he very coldly said there was nothing to talk about. When I confronted him about the other woman he angrily denied it and came back at me with vile messages, name calling and hateful tantrums. He made it seem like I was acting crazy. Eventually he just stopped everything and for a month we had no contact. One night he sent a text. I responded and we text for 5 hours. the next day it was silence again. For another month that is how it has gone. Recently he “invited me back into his life.” I know he is with this other woman and yet he infers that he is not. He will send a text every few days and if I respond his responses are short and its clear that he doesn’t have time to invest in me. I assume he texts when his other woman is not available and then when she connects with him he cuts me off as I am not needed anymore. I am his back-up supply. His option 2. The first time I saw them together I actually vomited…all night long. And cried myself into a migraine. I continue to see them together and I feel sick to my stomach and am tortured by thoughts of him doping things with her/to her the things he did and shared with me. I know him so well I can predict his behavior and know when he is lying in his texts to me. I have bouts of crying and a deep, deep sadness that makes me feel empty and shattered. I am in therapy and I know I need to do the no contact rule in order to heal….but my heart can’t seem to let go of the hope that he and I can at least resume some sort of friendship. Every day I fight the fantasy of who I believed him to be. I suffer terrible nightmares, often of him with her laughing at me. I suffer self-loathing for not being pretty enough or enough of whatever he wanted. When I have seen him with her he seems totally smitten something he never was with me. I take sleep meds and am on antidepressants. I have worked hard to resume my life that stalled because of my relationship with him. I have reconnected with family and friends and am getting caught up with my work, even had a promotion. I am making efforts to get back to the hobbies and activities I enjoyed before him but it takes everything I have to stay focused on present. My mind constantly turns to him replaying our relationship and visions of his new life with his new woman. The tears just keep coming…and I feel myself waiting for his contact. How do I get my heart to catch up with my head? Will I ever have the strength to stop contact with him longer than a few days? I feel like my heart will never heal from this and I will never be a fun, loveable person again. Recently a friend told me that the sadness just seeps out of me and that those who know me remark all the time about how sad I am. I still feel deeply in love with him although I know I can never be with him and be healthy and happy. Is there hope?
Hi healing. Keeping in contact with him keeps you in the loop. Take it one day at a time with no contact. I am sure that you are a loveable person. Your friends and family love you. Just that maybe you are focusing on love from the wrong place. Holding on will only hurt you more.
Thank you. Someone hearing my story helps. I want so much to break out of this cycle. I pray for the strength every day to say good bye for good.
Thanks again.
Positiva may have wanted to reach through cyber and smack my chops with this message 🙂
But it helps a lot.
My sp doesn’t contact me at all, but I text him. So I had to stop
It gives you time to heal
@Healing
Yes there are hope. I know it’s not easy, but you have to stop immediately all contact with him. Stop answering his text. No contact is the answer.
@Healing Heart
I understand so much how torn you are. Positivagirl is right – you are looking for love in the wrong place, you deserve so much better. His kind of behaviour, controlling, manipulating, is not love. It is a natural response to look for the good times in your relationship and you focus on them, or the sexual attraction that you have to him, which makes you still desire his attention, but his attitude and treatment of you is destructive – emotionally and physically. That is not Love. You worry about his apparent fawning over this new woman, but he is getting what he wants from her – it could be money, or just the intense attention of a new target – because that is what she is, prey. In time, he will turn on her too, and she will probably be usurped, either by someone else or by his focussing again on you. Believe me, I know what it is to be emotionally battered and bruised, you just cling on to any bit of floating wreckage of your relationship. The only way to survive is to break all contact, never respond. Consider how the bonds you have so painfully re-formed with your family and friends would suffer if you took up with him again. They could see what he was doing to you – they genuinely care about you and love you – in being strong and resisting him you will rise above him, and be able to gather strength. Easy to say, I know, but I truly hope and wish that you find strength from knowing that you are not alone. Best Wishes, Lana.
Dating a Sociopath 
Some scientists once did a study that involved implanting electrodes in the brains of rats. If the rats pushed one lever, they would get food. If they pressed the other lever, the electrode would stimulate the rats’ pleasure center. The rats would keep pushing the pleasure center lever until they starved to death.
S is the scientist putting the electrode in your pleasure center. You need to flee the lab, not try to figure out what makes the mad scientist tick.
I know. Actually, the best response would have been to go up to LiL greet her, and ask her if she would like to come sit with somebody who actually cares about her well-being while totally ignoring J. If she elected to stay with her abuser, that’s her choice.
It wasn’t so much J’s presence that provoked me as it was that the pastor — who had told me that he would keep J away because predators have no place in his congregation — was friendly with J. That gobsmacked me. I’d geared myself up for J to show up (though I expected him to do it alone and try to just sit next to me as if nothing had ever happened), but NOT for the pastor to fail to at least pull him aside and talk to him about removing himself.
Cut him off…let your friends and family know what’s going on. I cut all ties and told any friends who he might still speak with that I can’t know anything about what he’s up to or saying…they totally understand…
Tell people what you need, and be up front…if they can’t support you, you can cut them out of your life as well! You won’t come out of the lid with everyone on your side, but you’ll come out with the ones you can count on!!
So today is day 3 of no contact. Yes!! I have called another fellow victim and we talked for quite a while, knowing I’m not alone is comforting.
Hi all
I REALLY REALLY need your help pls.
I have posted here a few times but just to recap my story. My SP and I began an affair 4.5 years ago. It was wonderful firs 18mths. His wife found out and things started ti change. He was majorly stressed that she would find out (all this time he was saying she knew already, that the marriage was over, and he didn’t care, etc etc. Then all of a sudden she knows and he is terrified!!! He started becoming more stressed after she moved out and ended it with me several times. My marriage separated but he couldn’t have cared less. We kept getting back together within days.
Next 2-3 years were all about working around his child, and his work. I was always hidden, never introduced to family, he was never all that interested in what I did I didn’t even know he gave me a fake name!!! 2.5 years ago I found out his surname and last year (4 years) I found out his first name was also fake!!! This particularly hurt because when I found out his surname I made him promise that I now knew all the lies!!!
Over the next few years there wee soooooo many lies I found out. Apparently he was never actually married (they were defacto) but I got the full wedding story, proposal etc, then there were lies abut not having yet settled financially (but knowing that they had!!) weird trips to another town, weird texts, hidden phones, and then I looked and found him on several dating sites. Still I never said a word, I amped up my efforts as the sweet caring gf,and hoped he would see the light.
A few weeks ago it started to get really stressed ad I even made a note to myself that I needed to jump before I was pushed . The whole thing made me feel like a fat ugly needy clingon.
Anyway 3 weeks ago he ended it. He said he needs to focus on his worsening finances. We agreed we’d stay friends and to never give up. There was some limited contact. Im doing everything I can to get over this but its getting worse. I found out he has a gf and has shown her photo to his daughter (that’s HUGE). I was obviously dumped for another woman!!! I trued to text him a few days to ask if we were still friends – but no response! It makes me insane.
To put this into context we had 4.5 years of daily – YES DAILY- coffees or dinner or sx. As well as 40+texts and calls. Granted at the end these were increasingly uncomfortable but they were still there every day and all night. He said goodnight I love you and goodmorning I love you every day!!!!! To stop that is HUGE
So my questions are:
How do I get over him
Will he come back
How do I accept that everything was a lie
How dio I change daily habits that were so entrenched and fed my need for approval
Thank you
Joelene
Joelene, you get over him by knowing that you are strong and lovely and that is why he targeted you. You said it yourself, everything was a lie. These men feel nothing, they pretend to, and they are VERY PLAUSIBLE. He probably will come back, but not because he cares, it will be because he needs something from you – either money, or support, or sex, or a thrill at manipulating you. IT WILL BRING YOU DOWN FURTHER. Take a deep breath. Try to change your life slowly but surely. Take a class doing something you enjoy, even if it’s just for an hour a week, that way you will meet new people. Go for a walk, visit a coffee shop, try to always smile at people and they will respond with a smile. There’s a great big world out there, full of lovely people as well as not so lovely. There is someone out there who will truly love you for yourself, they may not be perfect, but they will be honest and that is what will make you happy.
Please try to remember that this man is USING you. You are not alone, so many of us have had our lives twisted and ruined by men (sometimes women) like this. YOU HAVE TO WIN. You are worth so much more than this man. You deserve better. I do understand, they can be so compelling, so convincing, but he will destroy your peace of mind forever if you let him. Good luck, Joelene, I send you all good wishes for a bright and sunny future with someone else who can make you happy. X
Hi all, I am sorry to hijack this thread with a technical question. But I can’t figure out how to start my own thread to share my story? This website saved my life…it is the only one I have found that made me recognize behaviors in my now ex. I would really like to post and get feedback. But when I go to the “share your story” link I can’t figure out how to start my own post. Thanks for any help you can provide!
Hi joelene I know exactly how you feel. Yes he will come back. Please do not take him back. I know through bitter experience everything you experienced with him will be the same but quicker and worse. So he will come back after his mask slips to the new target as he knows you are vulnerable for him. ( easy to satisfy his sick kick ). He will even if its months or years come back declaring undying love then it will get bad and much quicker than before . So all the hurt you are having now you will get again and again , this man will always have more than one girl . Some he will be disgarding while he is love bombing others. The good mornings are such a trait text from them. At first it’s good morning with hearts and love and nice messages all day. Then it’s only the good mornings and nothing leaving you desperate , when you say he is ignoring you. It’s more possible that he isn’t. Infant he will be reading your desparate messages getting a kick out of them ( they are clever they use settings to read messages and it appears like they haven’t. They simply switch off their Internet so they can read without it appearing to be read from the sender. This is how evil they are. ! Whilst he is doing this to you he will be love bombing another girl. Do not take him back , if you do as its hard you will suffer it over again but quicker , the only way to find peace is to apply no contact. Then it’s like a death. Very hard etc. but time lessons it and new things happen and then it gets easier. But if you don’t do this and take him back I promise you that you will feel all this pain again but worse , if I could un meet my sp I would but we can’t un meet people , he was attracted to you because YOU are the NICE person. Everything he can’t be but will copy you and your ways to further con new targets , they can’t change. It’s such an emotional rape what they do But please beware he WILL come back xx
Thankyou so much guys. I feel.a tin bit better tonight amd getting glimpses of ‘your loss ahole!!! So dunno if that’s true but it helps xxx thankyou all
Judy x
Hi everyone
I wrote the longest message about the lies my SP told me but its not here 😦 But basically despite all the lies he told me, he also took the time to have a catch up with me every single day (even Christmas Day!!)
Now that hes broken up with me and apparently has a gf – I literally cant seem to stop texting him every day to say hi (we used to have coffee every day plus exchange around 40 texts a day!) He has said that we can stay friends but friends don’t text every day, and also said that my texts were getting annoying!!!
I want us tio stay friends, I don’t know why – I just HATE the idea of anyone thinking badly of me. As someone said to me though – he’s moved on to someone who better fills his needs (maybe still believes the lies, maybe doesn’t question holes in stories, maybe someone who meets his sick fetishes), but also he wasn’t meeting any of my needs!!!! No friendship, terrible sex, no love. So why am I pining!!!!
Help me
Hi Joelene, I don’t know whether you saw my previous reply to your last message, it is on here. I understand completely how you feel, I was exactly the same. Please believe that this man is only going to bring you down. I kept contact with my man, texting, meeting, going away together, for two years after I couldn’t live with him any more. I believed that I loved him and cared about him. I made excuses for him, thinking that he had a mental illness. He died almost three months ago. I have never felt so lonely in my life. But he has set me free! I’m harder now and more cynical and a little bitter, but he contributed NOTHING GOOD to my life and this is I think the same for you. Bad sex, laziness, sponging and scheming. Everything good in your life will still be there if he is gone. He’s not making you happy. You deserve better. I believe you have issues with self-esteem. You are a far better person than he is, you CARE – he doesn’t.
Perhaps you like the thrill of the game, perhaps you believe that he really loves you underneath because of things he’s said in the past. IT’S ALL LIES. Sociopaths don’t feel, they act, they pretend, they mimic emotion. Mine was always quoting song lyrics, “the bed is too big without you” was a favourite. I imagine he’s said it to many women in the past. They are so good at making you feel special, but it’s rubbish – look at the facts.
I suppose I can’t really give advice, because I was guilty of being manipulated for years, and it was only the fact that he died that has stopped me caring about him and needing to hear his voice. His parents gave me some of his ashes, and I had them for a few weeks until I was able to release them into the sea. All that time it was as if his presence, even in death, had an effect on me. I almost went to pieces. When I put him in the sea, everything changed. I’m trying to say Joelene, that I believe the malevolent psychological force of these people is so powerful that it’s painful to resist. Be strong, keep writing here, keep talking to your friends and family, give yourself a challenge every day to NOT contact him or respond. Every day without contact will be a small victory for you. Good Luck, I will be thinking of you, best wishes, Lana.
It isn’t that he has moved onto someone better. He has moved onto someone who is blind. He finds your texts annoying simply because to keep another captive he needs to text all day long. He has to do that to someone else and can’t lose focus or get distracted.
He takes someone captive and focuses all his energy and attention. He enjoys telling you to go away it gives him power and control.
Say goodbye and don’t contact take it one day at a time. Staying in contact will delay your healing and hurt you more. This is NO reflection on you. Does he act like a friend? NO …. your energy could so be used so much better elsewhere..
@jolene oh my gosh your story could be written by me it is so similiar! I see you wrote this in October and I really hope you are feeling better and stronger today. I broke up with my boyfriend, a narcissistic/SP, in November and I am still in terrible pain and sadness. I too fight the no contact rule and deluxe myself uni thinking we can be friends or that I might be strong enough to deflect his SP ways in the future. I am beginning to,understand that is probably very unrealistic and unhealthy for me to cling to. Your last sentence really stuck,out for me…”terrible sex, no love so why am I pining?!” exactly my story as well…but in my head remains some fairytale….I even occassionally question what his new lover think,of his poor sex. But then I remember one of the ways he used, me was to get me to teach him how to please a woman. Who knows how much he is using now with her! It all makes me painfully sick when I think about it.
I really do,hope your life is getting better and the pain of your SP relationship is receding from your life. Best wishes, Healing Heart
Did anyone’s SP kiss them in such a way that it was almost violent. Like either grabbing the face extreme hard , choking almost with their tongue or grabbing your private parts ?
Yeah they suck the life force out of you..
It has been almost two years since I posted on this site and broke up with my boyfriend who turned out to be a sociopath. Our relationship only lasted for 8 months, but it left me extremely damaged – to the point where I’m still not able to trust anyone anymore. I still think about the ways he manipulated me and how small he made me feel.
It takes baby steps to get better and I’m trying all I can to love myself, but it still feels like I will never truly love again, like I will never be able to have a relationship again … But I am free and I believe that things will get better 🙂
Thanks to everyone who posted their story here and also to the creator of this website – if it wasn’t for you I would still be in denial. Knowing the truth was the best thing that ever happened to me! 🙂
Thanks lara keep going. I think it’s OK you don’t want to be in a relationship. Sounds like you are still healing and focusing on loving you x
hi Lara, it will get better. trust me. it has been 6 months for me and i am damaged and full of guilt. I cry and go back over and over again, asking myself what have I done wrong! But I started tu study full time and that helped a lot. I see my friends a lot and booked holidays with a girlfriend! I live my life! it has to be great one day!!!! someone very special will find you and make you happy X
Hi everyone, just needed to share my story and ask for any sport and guidance I can. Let me give you the shortened version of the party 2 years of my life. I don’t even know if my ex is a sociopath, but it’s beginning to sound like it. I work with a man and we were both married and stupidly stayed an affair. I tried to end it after a month before it went too far, but I was unhappy in my marriage and his constant admiration of me and him telling me he loved me after a month won me over. 12 months later I told my husband and left. Me and the mm had plans to stay a life together, he promised me he would leave his wife but that never happened until my husband told her for him. That’s when everything went downhill, I want allowed to go out with my friends, he would constantly check my phone and hide his own. Accuse me of having a to close relationship with a make colleague who in all fairness was 20 years younger than me and we were just friends. I was only allowed to wear a dress if I was going out with him and he wanted me to wear jeans for work, I’m an accountant so how could I. One drunken night he lost his temper when I called him my husbands name by accident and he screamed in my face till I cried. Another night he kicked the stairs and needed 4 stitches and smashed up his ipad, all because I’d mentioned a male colleagues name. Each time I forgive him. A few weeks ago I stayed at his and his wife rang for times at 7 in the morning which he wouldn’t answer, he couldn’t explain why, but i couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t answer it in front of me. The alarm bells started and as im responsible for paying his mobile bill at work I remembered he hasn’t given me them for 4 months even though I’d asked and asked. That was 3 weeks ago, at first when I questioned him I got the silent treatment, that lasted a week. A week of pure hell and a lot of emotionally charged texts from me, one minute is be shooting at him wanting a response, the next is be apologising for my behaviour. He sent me a message saying he accepts is over and he’ll always love me.. Now I’m left in pieces wondering why, why can he be so cold. In my head I know why, it’s my heart that is having trouble accepting it. Sorry for the long message and I hope you didn’t get bored lol
I just realized the man I dated is a sociopath. I’m scared honestly. I found out I was pregnant 2 months ago and it’s been downhill from there. At first he was really loving. But since finding out I’m pregnant he’s called CPS multiple times and now they’re actually threatening to take the kids away first and ask questions later because the threats he made are so severe. None are true and when asked why he called CPS he says its because “He had to, he was tired of seeing them live like this.” What? Like what?!?!?!? He’s started the process of making me seem like an unfit mother so he can keep all my kids, the two I have now that aren’t even his and the unborn one. At first I thought he would just do these things when he was mad but he’s admitted that he called them because he wants them to get taken away so he can raise them. I’m in shock. Last week he literally punched my stomach, he’s homeless, can’t hold a job and can’t even feed himself and he thinks these children will be better off with him. He is convinced without a doubt that they will give him custody, no questions asked just because ‘he wants them’. Everyone believes his lies. Idk what to do anymore. I’ve tried to stop talking to him but it just makes him more upset and he tells more lies. The only way to get him to stop is by pretending I’m in love with him. Does that make sense? No one else seems to get that. I want away from him but I’m scared because I have no where to go and I think he really might get custody of my unborn baby. He has done so many things that tell me he is differently not capable of loving anyone and I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.
Dear “Lost” – this is a very difficult situation for you, If this man is so convincing a liar that you fear others believe him and not you, you can only keep as calm as possible and explain your own fears to someone who will be on your side. I don’t know whether you are in Britain or somewhere else, but there are many places of protection for you and your children. You could tell the Police that he has assaulted you and threatened you and the children, they should act to protect you. I think that it is very unlikely that he would get custody of any of your children, he might sound ok to you, but professionals are very good at spotting someone who is lying – they deal in the family courts with these sorts of people all the time. Go to Citizens Advice – or your doctor who may recommend counselling and put you in touch with local organisations who can help you.
I know that sociopaths can be incredibly convincing, but he’s overstepped a mark by assaulting you, he’s lost self control, he’s threatening you with losing the children to control you. Please call the Police or a domestic violence organisation, you and the children need to be safe. Do whatever you need to do to keep him calm until you can get away to a place of safety. Don’t give up hope – you can get away.
Hi
Stumbled across this site after trying to work out in my mixed up head if my ex boyfriend is a sociopath, or whether I’m going mad.
Shortened version of my story, I was with my husband for 24 years when I stupidly fell in love with a married work colleague. He wooed my, knowing I was unhappy in my marriage and after 2 months he told me he loved me. At the time I was shocked as I certainly didn’t feel the same. The affair went on until I left my husband 12 months later. When my husband found out about the affair he told my new partner’s wife. We were now free to start our life together. It wasn’t long before red flags went off in my head, he hated me going out with friends and complained that much I use to cancel. His argument was he was concerned for my safety (I was raped at a party 20 years ago) and he worked away all week and only saw me on a weekend. He made comments about how I could only wear a dress when I was out with him. Other flags ranged from him screaming in my face one night when I accidentally called him my husband’s name and another when he kicked his leg off my stairs when I mentioned a colleagues name and he ended up needing 4 stitches. Whenever we were together his phone was either always on flight mode or silent??
Throughout the 10 months we were together after our partners found out about our affair we had some really good times, but in the back of my head I never really believed he loved me, I always had doubts, but put them down to the way we met. I have recently found out he is still in contact with his wife, even though they have no children and no ties so I asked him what was going on. This resulted in the silent treatment for over a week, which ended up in me sending quite a few texts, ranging from angry ones to hurt ones. My head was all over the place. He eventually sent me a message to say he accepts it’s over, but he’ll always love me??? How can you treat someone this way if you love them. I’m struggling to understand how I meant so little to this man. I have to work with him too which is making it harder. I really don’t know if he is a sociopath or whether it’s all in my head, Everything in my head is blurry
Any advice appreciated
Somehow your post just hit my email. It is January. I hope you are not seeing him again. When I broke up with my LAST boyfriend even though he had been treating me really bad it still hurt. It hurt a LOT. Like a death. I had to grieve. The whole greaving process for a long time. It was horrible. I was not grieving for HIM it was for the relationship that should have been but never was. For my hopes and dreams and expectations.
So my advice is to know that you must grieve to get past this. NO CONTACT. It takes time…it may be a long time but eventually you will start to feel like yourself again. A wiser self…
Hang on tight and know that you are not alone we are right here with you.
Thank you!
Hi, I’m new to this site, but my goodness it has been a life saver.
The shortened version of my story goes like this…
After stupidly falling for a married coworker at a time when I was with my husband of 25 years, I decided to leave my husband after the affair lasted a year. My husband found out about the affair and told his wife, leaving us to be together freely. This is when I thought things started going wrong, but looking back, the red flags were there from the start. He told me he loved me after about 5 weeks and silly me believed him, why shouldn’t I? Whenever I went out on a night out with friends he would tell me not to wear a dress unless it was to my ankles.
Anyway, once we were together properly he seemed to change, he got really jealous of a male friend who to be fair was 30 stone and never his competition. He read some text messages between me and this friend where I’m discussing my concerns about my ex after he blew up when I suggested a night out with my friends. He even said to me he wasn’t going out with me again cos I’d spoiled it; why would I want to go out without him, even though he wasn’t going to be with me that night. He argued and argued with the most ridiculous reasoning that led me to talk to my friend. My ex read my messages which he did regularly without me knowing and told me to get rid of this friend and never contact him. I did, but in secret.
Other red flags started appearing, his phone was always on silent or on flight mode when we were together and when I questioned him he always denied it. Why didn’t I push him instead of accepting it when I knew it was lies. Maybe I didn’t want to think I’d thrown away 25 years of marriage and needed it to work.
One night (about 2 weeks after I left my husband) he screamed at me in my face because I had called him my husband’s name by accident and another time he kicked my stairs so hard he needed 4 stitches in his leg, all because I had mentioned a good looking colleagues name.
Then came the marriage proposal ..
About 3 weeks ago I was staying at his and his wife rang 3 times at 7am and when I questioned it he started shaking saying she never rings, but he took the call downstairs out of my ear shot. This is when reality started to set in, I asked to see his phone bills… that was 3 weeks ago and when I tried to text him or call him he ignores me. I eventually got a message saying he accepts we are over and that he still loves me and to take care of myself. How the heck can someone treat another human with such coldness is beyond me, but I’ve been 5 days no contact after sending him a message to say I could never be friends with him, I’m pleased to be out of the relationship and good riddance.
Boy it isn’t easy, I’m an emotional wreck, ranging from anger to sadness within seconds and it doesn’t hurt that I have to work with him
Amanda…no contact works. Stick with it!!! I’ve have zero contact in almost four months, and blocked him from my and my son’s phone. Then last weekend he tried to come to a place we both frequent and was, in the end, tossed out and told not to come back. Be open with people around you and the truth will shine through! Keep going…you can do it!!!
Thanks Susan, it’s hard when we work together but after reading today about the fake jealousy and the real jealousy for some reason it made sense and I feel less pain. Maybe I’m just having a better day. I still hate him though and I’m very bitter that mine and my children’s lives meant nothing to him.
Oh I seem to have posted three times … See my head is all over the place
Sorry, if this is long. I am still struggling badly with this. I don’t know what I have been dealing with.
I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn’t serious and that perhaps he was making up he had a gf in order for me not to get too attached to him. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his “gf” last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day.
At the start, I didn’t give it much importance, as I didn’t really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks’ time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start. He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.
I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.
When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I could undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we could talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.
Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was *f a girl in another country.
In August I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.
Whenever I asked if we would talk he said that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. I said to him to call me sometime and he said “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says “because I didn’t want to”. And then he said “appreciate it, that I call you”.
Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don’t know what to think anymore.
I always saw he is manipulative, etc but the “beating me” part, that really scared me. I saw another side of him I never thought I would.
While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that that felt a bit like being forced somehow. Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! he brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.
Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cutt off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off”. I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.
Then, 9 weeks ago we were sending some messages on whatsapp and he basically told me that he won’t meet me again, that it was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I was so hurt at the cold way he was talking to me plus he had said something I didn’t understand and he told me I was illiterate, stupid and dead slow on the uptake. He also told me I am useless. At that moment I went and I told him that he might not meet again because I interfere with his whores but that I won’t meet him again because I don’t meet beaters. Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore but I have the feeling I am blocked for good now.
I must add one thing that came into my mind now. At the start of our talks at the very beginning he once told me I was going to get addicted to him and at another point he told I was addicted to him but that I just didn’t know it yet.
I’m so sorry…that would be a nightmare to be pregnant and possibly tied the rest of my life to one of these psychos. But, rest assured, he does not want your children. He doesn’t even want his own. He wants to A) use the threats against the children to control you. B) Get the children out of the picture so you can continue to support him without your attention and finances taken elsewhere, C) use his own child to keep a connection to you as longs as he needs to. If you decide to kick him out and never speak to him again, he’ll use his parental rights to be able to continue to come into your life and torment you and you’ll never be fully rid of him. My ex has 7 kids by 7 women and, if the rumor is correct, another on the way. He has a pattern of getting his women pregnant because he thinks he can use the child this way. He is also homeless and goes from woman to woman until he’s kicked out or finds someone better. He collects women and the only way any of them have been able to shut him out is because he can’t afford child support for any of them, but for 2 of them, he keeps going back to court and trying. All to stay in the lives of those 2 specific women. The two he was with longest. I really hope you’ve thought this pregnancy through and are willing to have and raise this man’s child. It may seem cold and callous, but going through what I’ve gone through and knowing what his other women have had to deal with, I would not. I’d be making an immediate appointment at the abortion clinic and then getting away from him immediately. I know that’s not an option for all women, so whatever you choose, I wish you the very best, but he’ll make a terrible father to any child, so keep your babies away from him.
Hi, I first came across the term sociopath only a few years ago and ever since, I have been trying too understand what it really means and whether i knew someone who was indeed a sociopath. Turns out I now believe my problem lies in not understanding normal relationships as I do not think I have ever had one.
There are currently two people in my mind, both of which need an entire comment for themselves. But I will tell you about the one that I did (and perhaps still do) consider the ‘love of my life’, Toni.
Toni entered my life through a common friend who thought we were perfect to each other and introduced us. Just a few days later I was already madly in love with this guy who seemed to be keen in giving his life up just for me. He seduced me and before we entered into sexual relations, he phoned his current girlfriend to ‘break up’ with her in front of me, so we could start afresh and she did not get cheated on (‘she didn’t deserve that’, so he said). At this point, I was 23 years old and in a transition period. My university studies were going really badly, so I had just quit, I was working to try to survive and figure out what to do next, and I was setting everything up to start a new life in a different country where I could have more opportunities.
Although we both were living in different cities, we both come from the same place. This I just told you happened during Christmas, so I was back at home for the holiday period and the original plan was to return to my other city to finish my job and collect all my belongings before moving to another country.
But that all changed thanks to him. I wanted to stay, I wanted to be him and he ‘wanted’ me to stay and marry him. But I had no money whatsoever, and although he was offering me his house to live together, it ‘somehow’ never really materialized and so, I and no choice but to leave and search for a job elsewhere. I moved to the UK.
I worked there for a few months whilst in touch with this guy through my friend (at the time, mobile phones were still not so common and international calls were very expensive for somebody with no funds). My friend however, kept contacting me to tell me how desperate he was because I was not there and how much he wanted me to be there with him. He also had an issue over a street fight that did not allow him to move out of the country and come with me (but his is another story where more people are thrown into, and I should have listened to them rather than to him).
Anyway, after I made a bit of money and my friend had got me indirectly a job to get by in my city, I returned to my city, so happy thinking that I would be with him and he would be there waiting for me. And he was… for two days! After that, he made no further contact, if I found him in the street, it was as if he did not even know who I was anymore. No feelings whatsoever, just a cold heart, distant look. If I called him, he would not answer the phone but his Mom did, and she would ask me whether I knew where he was, because she was worried.
Turns out he was into drugs too. (Yes, a real jewel but I still blamed myself for this, because I left him instead of being there for him when he needed help. ‘It was the drugs, not him that did not love me:, I said to myself). And I embarked on a meaningless journey of trying to make him reason and bring him back to his own self, the person I was madly in love with. The best person in the world).
A whole year I spent like this. I would go to work and then I would go to try and find him and talk to him for the rest of the day until I had to work again. There was no point in sleeping because anyway, I could not lie in bed and sleep knowing he was in so much danger and pain because of me. I lost lots of weight, I cried repeatedly, I was a walking zombie. My friends wanted to take me to therapy because they saw me completely emaciated.
I did not follow this advise, it costed money I did not have, but I started to believe he was beyond help and all I was achieving was losing my life too. So at this point, I had quite literally, already given him my entire life.
I decided I needed to break free from this vicious circle and with all the pain in the world, I returned to the UK after being accepted for a degree. I did not go back in more than a year for fear of not being strong enough to resist the temptation of trying to save him again, and the time went by. During three years I did not know anything at all about him except for two or three random and less than five minutes calls that left me hurting every time, not even through friends (who I enquired often hoping to learn about his fate).
Then, I finally thought I was over it and met another person, Ed. Ed tried for months to get a response from me, I did not want to. But eventually, I agreed and we started dating. We were travelling to my city for yet another Christmas period and on the way over there, I received a call from Toni. Completely out of the blue. It turned my world upside down again. There I was, with this marvelous guy by mi side and all I could do was thinking Toni needed me and I could not see him because he could not know I let him down and was with another guy. I didn’t even answer the phone. That hurt so badly.
A while after, our common friend told me how he was doing great, that he got married and was having a child. Incidentally, the dates coincide with the time when he was trying to get hold of me. To this day I believe he wanted her to be me and somehow he was checking whether I had moved on or not, to proceed to marry her.
Then again, I did not hear from him in years. This time it was zero contact for about 4-5 years. In the meantime, I was still with Ed (on and off).
I completed my degree, my masters, my PhD, I had various jobs to get by whilst studying… I was busy, very busy.
And then, I got unemployed, suddenly overqualified and could not even support myself anymore. Ed and I were at a really bad time and I wanted to leave him anyway. He moved away so I was forced to leave my house. Because of that and the lack of opportunities, I took the chance to once more, move to another country. This time Germany. I spent a year looking for a job with no luck, learning German and trying to create a normal life. I ended up with lots of friends, and amazing social life and an amazing guy who seemed perfect.
Then I went home for Christmas and guess who contacted me casually through facebook? Yes, Toni. But I did not mind.If anything I was happy to see he was alright and we decided to meet. He told me how he overcame the drug problem and I was the greatest help in his life. How he really wanted to be with me and that although we were both in separate relationships at the time, we should consider getting back together if these relations did not work for us. He had separated from the mother of his child and was dating another woman. I couldn’t help it, I found him so adorable. We kissed. I felt just like when we met but I still wanted to be my boyfriend. He was great and I was going back to Germany and I had a few interviews upon my return. It had to work, it was going to work, and I was happy there. So I went back but Toni and I kept in touch just like friends.
As usual in my life, nothing was quite what it seemed, and my boyfriend was an idiot who cheated on me, I did not get any job and I had completely run out of money. At this point, interviews all over the UK were being offered to me,so my decision was clear, UK it was.
Less than two weeks after I reached the UK again, my sister who was living there too ta the time, told me she had just being diagnosed with cancer and wanted me to travel to my home city to inform my family because she did not feel capable of doing so herself, it was going to be a heavy hit on the family. I of course, need to get back after this, leave my plans to one side, to become her carer during treatment.
And so, I went back to my home city once more. Toni and I were still in touch as good friends, and I needed a friend, really badly. I met with my girlfriends, but couldn’t tell them I was meeting him afterwards. They hate him.
Toni and I met, I broke up and started crying. He hugged me. That was it. We slept together and I went back to the UK the following day. I was pregnant.
We kept in touch and talked about getting together. I said I needed to be in the UK to help my sister but I could return after her treatment. After all, I had no job and no real ties anywhere. But I found out I was pregnant and I told him. He became erratic. As usual, his explosive behaviour became worse and worse. He promised me eternal love one day, the following he wouldn’t even call. Completely dismiss the fact that I was having a really hard time and needed to be strong for my sister, for the baby and for myself. Three months after, he blocked me from all social media, and did not get in touch with me again.
My sister recovered, I lost my baby (perhaps through so much crying in solitude) and life continued. I got different jobs in different places, did not manage to get a new life started. I was and am, just in survival mode. I work, that s about all the normal things that I have in my life now. And I long for that baby, not a baby, but his baby. A part of him that could have stayed with me forever but as with him, he slipped through my fingers leaving no tracks behind. I dream about them and wake up in cold sweat.
This time I wanted to make him aware of my pain, I wanted him to see the suffering his caused again. And I managed to send him a message through fb. I did not want a reply, just to hurt him as much as I was hurting even though that was quite improbable. I only told him that that this baby had made me just as happy, if not more, than his dad once did. and now he was dead.
He replied immediately and of course, in his line of action, demanded that I called him. We have been in touch ever since. Well until last week when once again, he decided not to get in touch with me anymore even though he was making my search for flight times for him to come and talk to me and discuss what had happened, bla bla bla… empty promises as usual.
I guess at this point, if you have been able to follow this dull drill, you understand why I am writing here.
Firstly, I do not wish this to happen to anybody else. It is just plain cruelty.
Secondly, I do not think I can ever be normal again. I love his ‘good love’ and can’t find that anywhere else. I’m doomed.
Thirdly, I would like to discuss a couple of points with the rest of you.
As I said, I had no money for most of this time, and still I have very little money. But all of you agree that a sociopath will be interested in you supporting them. This is not my case. I cannot see how that could apply in this case and this is a bit puzzling.
Also, I believe he wanted to let me know that he is indeed a sociopath although i doubt he even knows this behaviour has a name. He has been more honest with me in the last three months than he has ever been. He has told me about his various sex partners, and how he cannot hold a normal relationship. I may be wrong, but could this be the case that he is trying to push me away so he does not hurt me anymore? Could this be a sign of real humanity from his part? Does this mean that a sociopath can actually ‘feel’ the pain of his consequences even at a very small degree and this is the point when they pretend you have done something horrible and stormed out to disappear?
@positivegirl, thank you for the site and for your comments. It is a great help to finally understand I am not crazy and there are people who do indeed act like this.
I’m still not certain if my ex is a sociopath. We were setup lived in different states (I’m in the US). We spoke by phone for months before we met in person. Then spent another few months seeing each other before becoming a couple. We were together for a year. When we first were speaking by phone he told me about a book he had written. I read it, it was good but I thought nothing more of it. At one point things changed dramatically – over night. He wouldn’t hold my hand anymore and was more cold and distant. When finally confronted he told me another woman from his past had contacted him and that he thinks he has been in love with her all his life. Even told me that she was one of the characters in his book. In the book described as the lost love of his life and he of hers, mythical beauty and on and on.. I couldn’t understand this at all..I was crushed. He also told me that the reason he had been in love with her all his life is that she was the only one who he felt was there for him when he was molested as a child (first time hearing that he was molested. He had told me he came from a broken home filled with alcoholism and physical and emotional abuse). I know some members of his family and none of them communicate at all..I mean at all! So his problem with communication is real. I said I would take him back when things with this other woman failed as I was certain (and still am) it would because I thought the deep emotional issue from his past and the childhood molestation (which he never got help for) were the drivers and he would see that soon enough. He continued to talk to me by phone periodically, email me and see me in person for six months. Then I found out he had lied and that after a vacation we took together he went to a high school reunion which is where he “reconnected” with this woman from his childhood. He never told me about this until I confronted him directly with it. From the moment he decided to leave me (when he received a call about the reunion) he lied to me, then he cheated on me and betrayed me. This is where I’m starting to think he may be a sociopath..He also blamed me for our breakup…listing and changing the reasons, he has never been accountable for his actions and he has shown very little empathy for my pain or remorse. There have been a few times though that he has shown guilt and remorse. He also is not at all an adept liar. The only lie I didn’t see for what is was was that he went to the reunion. I’m so completely confused. He now is reaching out to me asking me to explain how and why therapy works for me as when he has gone a couple times he has found it ‘underwhelming’. I haven’t responded yet. If all this is a result of what came from his childhood and in particular the childhood molestation then I want to be able to help even if only a little bit. But if he is a sociopath, perhaps as a result of what happened to him as a child or maybe just due to heredity, then I don’t want to get sucked back in. I thought he was the love of my life. He is an extremely successful man and also extremely intelligent. I too am accomplished at many things..but getting over him was not one of them. I don’t want to have to go through the agony that I’m slowly recovering from. But if this is all from the molestation and he isn’t a sociopath I would like to at least respond to his email briefly including a link to online help. Any advice, comments or suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you. And thank you for this site!! It has been the reason that I’m now wondering if I’m dealing with either an additional issue or perhaps the sole issue. I just need to figure out which and what to do next.
I am so glad I have found this site. Here is my story of 2 years with who I now believe to be a sociopath.
First off, my story is about having an affair, now I know that some people will think I deserve everything I get and believe me there are many things I’m ashamed of doing but the way in which he behaved I can’t even comprehend.
We met through work, my husband and I had not been getting along very well and one night a group of people from work went out for drinks. That’s when S and me began talking, I’d always found him a bit standoffish in the office but outside he seemed different, interesting, charismatic. It became something at the office Christmas party we all went out to a party night. I was getting the train home, but he said I could stay in the hotel room he booked – he’d sleep on the floor. And well it began from there. He later admitted he’d booked the hotel room with the intent of getting me there.
Over the next few weeks we went for lunch, dinner we learned a lot about each other, he was married too, that they were very happily married and then he dropped the bombshell that his wife was pregnant! I didn’t know what to say! He later said she lost the baby about 10 weeks in, that she’d had a type of cancer. He was really messed up blamed himself because of us. I tried to be a friend and as a result we ended up in a full blown affair. The affair was intense, like nothing I’d ever felt, he was intense, compliments all the time etc 40 text messages a day, He said he’d never done anything like this before etc. I now realise he was clever, he’d asked what was wrong in my marriage and I’d told him my husband wasn’t a very strong man and I ended up taking on a lot of the pressures at home, S listened and then took on that persona of the strong male.
S is a Christian (I am not) and he told me he felt strong about his faith. A few months into things, he told me he’d been offered a job with the church, I was surprised, but a bit relieved, things were intense and I was concentrating at work like I should. I was confused though, this job with the church when he was having an affair with me.
Things were moving very quickly and last May while out for lunch he told me he loved me, I was shocked, surprised and honestly over the moon, how could this brilliant man be in love with me?? That weekend my husband confronted me he’d read a text message and asked me how S was. I told him, my husband was devastated I said I wasn’t happy anymore and thought we needed time apart, my husband begged me to stay. When I told S he panicked asked if my husband was going to tell his wife. I said I didn’t think so. He told me he wanted to meet my husband to explain – I now realise that was all to make me think he was good.
S left our workplace and went back to my marriage, but contact didn’t stop and a few months later we were seeing each other again. During this time he told me his marriage was really strained, that they weren’t having sex and had spoken about separating if things didn’t improve. Things weren’t great for me at home, if I’m honest I wasn’t trying, and thought my husband couldn’t compete with S – who by now I thought was the love of my life. I told S so much about me, he told me he never really opened up to anyone but with me he could, he would talk about things that had happened to him.
People at my work place had got wind of our affair and a few months later I moved to a new job, during that time S and me saw each other 3/4 times a week we worked 30 miles apart but he would drive – just to bring me a sandwich at lunchtime etc. The 40 texts a day continued, hourly long phone calls
In October my husband found out again, this time I left. When I told S again he panicked asking if my husband would tell his wife. I said I didn’t think so. I moved into a flat and my daughter spent time living between us both. During the time I was at that flat S became like my boyfriend – he’d stay over, we’d go to the cinema and dinner etc. He helped me decorate, build furniture. I realise now it was all just convenience he had somewhere to be with me that was -safe. In early December S sent me a text saying that he’d sent a text to his wife that was meant for me. He said she phoned him and she asked if he was having an affair – which he denied. He said he went home that night and his wife was crying saying she knew he wouldn’t do that. The next day he ended it with me, he said he needed to try in his marriage, that he and her had been happy til I had came along. I was devastated begged him to choose me, but he left. A few days later he text asking to talk, he said he’d made a mistake, I was so happy and things returned to as they were.
S and me talked about the future, he asked if I would have anymore kids, because he wanted to be a dad, I hadn’t really thought about it but in that moment I thought yes. He told me he cared deeply for his wife, but wasn’t in love with her, like he was me, that if he’d met me before he’d have asked me to marry him within 6 months. He said though it was more complicated with his faith and family and the church community. He began to speak about making a decision – he said he would make a decision in the new year. Christmas and New Year was horrible, I spent Christmas with my husband and daughter but New Year alone (my own doing) while he spend the whole festive period doing ‘family’ things. That’s when I decided I couldn’t go on, I told S over the phone that we needed to talk and he asked hat night to come talk face to face as he needed to tell me something, explain why he was struggling. That night he told he had been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about 7 years ago following an incident at work which led to him being fired and then him attempting suicide. He said that’s why he was struggling with his family that they had already been through so much. I understood, felt sorry for him, but glad he was opening up. He asked me to wait until Easter.
Over the next few months, we went through a rollercoaster, sometimes he was amazing other times cold distant. He told me that his gran who he cared about a lot became really ill in February, he said he was supporting his mum, and spent a lot of time at the hospital but he still tried to see me the odd lunch time. I was trying to be supportive, telling him not to worry that I wasn’t going anywhere.
Near the end of March we’d arranged for him to stay over at mine, we’d both taken the day off work. The day before he said he couldn’t stay anymore that he had something on the next day near home, that he couldn’t get out of. I was really disappointed but thought even just the day would be nice. When he arrived I was aware of how tired he looked, and then we had sex and he was cold, distant,mechanical – I was devastated, it was so demeaning. I went in the shower I cried – I knew I had to end it. And I did, I told him I could see the toll of all of this on him, his gran being ill etc and didn’t want to be adding to it. He didn’t even try once to change my mind. He left and I broke down in a heap on the floor. Over the next few days I barely functioned, I finally went to the drs who signed me off work and gave me anti-depressants. A friend invited me to her house for a week (she knew everything) and she started crying when she saw me, grey, thin, gaunt, like a ghost.
I told me husband that it was over, we’d stayed on good terms because of our daughter. He came to see me, hugged me as I cried inconsolably. He told me he loved me and he’d always be there for me. Gradually we spent more time together, going on dates, doing things together. I still cried almost every day but I began to heal a little more each day.
In the May S and me ended up at a party of a mutual co-worker. I didn’t stay long and headed home, he followed me to the train station, begging for forgiveness asking us to be friends. I remember screaming at him in the street that he’d broken my heart. He said he’d always love me. I said it was too late, I was trying with my family and I got on my train and left. He text me a few times over the next couple of weeks just asking how I was etc and I answered because I missed him he was like my best friend. But at the end of June I text to say I wouldn’t be in contact anymore that I was moving home to be with my husband. I knew that he and his wife wanted a family so I asked that he let me know, that he didn’t let me hear from someone else – he said he would.
I never heard anything for a few months and then in early August I got an email to say his with was pregnant. I felt sick, like I’d been punched in the stomach, it was too soon. I asked how far along she was and he said 12 weeks which meant it had happened in May weeks after he’d broken my heart. I couldn’t get my head round it. I had so many questions, he offered to meet to talk them through. We met in the same restaurant we always did, he told me he’d been a mess since we split up, drinking lots and that his wife had got pregnant one night when he was drunk. He told me the baby was due in Jan but I realised that didn’t add up that would mean she was 16 weeks pregnant, I asked him, he said he cycle is a bit messed up so she might be. I asked if he was having sex with her while with me and he swore he wasn’t (the thing is I wouldn’t have expected him not to be having sex with her) but he had always been insistent they hadn’t had sex since the miscarriage. He told me he’d missed me and could we be friends. The truth was I missed him too so we began to have lunch, he’d run me home. I’d missed my friend and I thought well if we can at least save something from this mess it would be worthwhile. We spent a lot of time together and slipped back to old ways. I knew it was wrong but told myself it was a way of easing some of the hurt and that once the baby arrived things would change. He told me that the pregnancy was fraught, his wife was in and out of hospital, he text one day when he’d arranged to take me home to say he couldn’t as his wife had been rushed to hospital, that she spent the whole weekend there, that she was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and had been ordered on bed rest. I felt terrible said we had to stop. He was still going to work 40 miles away from home, I told him to work at home look after her, that she must be scared. I told hi, to go home and do nice baby things.
A few weeks later we were out for lunch, I asked how she was and he said the same, bed-rest, dr in and out. We agreed we need things to end, but he asked for one more day just us, even after everything I was still madly in love. I wanted us to stay friends forever. One thing was niggling me though, the due date. I asked again if he was sleeping with her before we split and he swore to god he hadn’t that it had been in May. When I got home I felt better but it still didn’t add up so I checked on line for her ‘due date’ and it wasn’t biologically possible, I sent the link to him and asked for the truth he phoned immediately saying it wasn’t mid may like he’d said it was early may. I asked why he’d lied. He said I don’t want you to think bad of me. I asked why he’d swore to god, he said he didn’t know. I asked him to swear on his baby’s life he was now telling the truth. I asked why if he wasn’t lying and he admitted the baby was due December. I hung up my world spinning he’d been trying for a baby with her while with me. He tried to phone me over 20 times, leaving voicemails saying he was sorry, the love is real, please speak to him. I ignored him, got in the shower thought about the night before and almost scrubbed myself raw. I got out and called him. I was so angry, he was apologising. I said to why shouldn’t I tell your wife, he begged me not to, saying he’d never see his baby, she’s leave him, that he’d not been honest with me he’d been in a ‘sexting’ relationship about 6 years ago and she’d thrown him out that they’d separated for 6 months. That he’d not been honest about he he’d lost his job, that he’d been caught sending porn,. I couldn’t believe everything I was hearing. I asked how long long he’d been ‘trying with his wife’ and he admitted since Oct. So all that time when I’d left my home, he was living the happy life at home, that last day when he degraded me so I would end it. My head was spinning but some how I knew it still wasn’t the truth. So I asked again when is the baby due and he said next week (early Nov). The next bit is a blur, I said what? He said next week, I asked why had he lied he said he couldn’t admit it. I asked if she really had pre-eclampsia he said yes. I asked how was he going to explain the baby came early – he said he was going to tell me it was premature. It all began to make sense.
At that moment I knew he had to be stopped, his lying to me, his wife, everyone had to stop. So I gave him 3 options, that he tell his wife, I tell his minister or I tell his wife, he said he couldn’t do any of them. So I hung up, drove to his house ignored his 50 telephone calls and voicemails (including the one where he said he’d been in a crash!!) I sat outside his house, I didn’t know what to do. And then something snapped and I got out and walked up to his door, his wife saw me coming and got up to answer the door (in that moment I thought will I saw I’m at the wrong house) but when she opened the door 39 weeks pregnant, I spoke, I told her I was really sorry to do this while she was pregnant but her husband had been having an affair for almost 2 years, he lied all the way through to her to me. She asked me to come in, she was shaking I was shaking, but she was kind. We sat down and she said she couldn’t believe it, I said calmly – really can’t you or have you had your suspicions – she nodded and said yes she had. I told her it all, she told me things about them, that he hadn’t just been texting this other woman he’d been seeing her and they’d split for 2 years. That he’d had drug and gambling issues but had sworn this was behind him. I asked about her health, she was fine, had been the whole pregnancy, I told her what he’d said – it became clear it was all a lie.
At that moment he arrived home, I’ll never forget his face as he saw me sitting on the sofa, he’d been caught. He came in and stared crying saying I’m sorry and then he ran out the house and drove away. We spoke some more and then his wife said she was worried what he would do, so she called him, I could hear him on the other side crying saying he couldn’t come back. At that moment I text and said to come back. He did. He came in and stood by the door. She asked what he had to say and he admitted he’d been having an affair with me for almost 2 years, that it wasn’t just physical but emotional too, that he’d lied to her and to me. She asked why, he said he didn’t know, she said we’re having a baby and he said I know. I then left, I apologised to her, but said he needed to be stopped because I think he would have continued like this forever she nodded. As I passed him I told him never to contact me again. As I left and drove home I cried so hard, all the things over the last 2 years going round my head. She was pregnant in Feb, he knew she was pregnant back in March. Everything was a lie.
He did contact me, first to ask me not to tell anyone else and then to tell me he was sorry. He then sent an email telling me he was going to see a counsellor, and gave some excuses from childhood to why he’d lied. I asked him why he’d lied about so much, what was true and what wasn’t. He said he just wanted me to love him. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then he has said she’s throwing him out, at first it was after the baby was born, then after Christmas and now after Easter. He still wants to be my friend blah blah blah. On Sunday his daughter was born, he text to tell me, I sent a simple congratulations and blocked his number and have set all emails to auto delete.
My husband knows everything and I feel like such a fool for giving up my family for a fraud. It’s horrible to realise the person you thought you were in love with doesn’t exist, it’s like a death. I have so many questions but I now realise the only person who can give me them is a liar, so I will never have them answered. After googling liars etc, I found this site and I felt comfort not alone, that I can get through this.
xxxxxx
They always bomb you with what you think is the truth, but everything is a lie. Mine have 3 ex wives who he battered. He says he is the best dad, but he has abused them physically and mentally.
so glad I have found this site. Here is my story of 2 years with who I now believe to be a sociopath.
First off, my story is about having an affair, now I know that some people will think I deserve everything I get and believe me there are many things I’m ashamed of doing but the way in which he behaved I can’t even comprehend.
We met through work, my husband and I had not been getting along very well and one night a group of people from work went out for drinks. That’s when S and me began talking, I’d always found him a bit standoffish in the office but outside he seemed different, interesting, charismatic. It became something at the office Christmas party we all went out to a party night. I was getting the train home, but he said I could stay in the hotel room he booked – he’d sleep on the floor. And well it began from there. He later admitted he’d booked the hotel room with the intent of getting me there.
Over the next few weeks we went for lunch, dinner we learned a lot about each other, he was married too, that they were very happily married and then he dropped the bombshell that his wife was pregnant! I didn’t know what to say! He later said she lost the baby about 10 weeks in, that she’d had a type of cancer. He was really messed up blamed himself because of us. I tried to be a friend and as a result we ended up in a full blown affair. The affair was intense, like nothing I’d ever felt, he was intense, compliments all the time etc 40 text messages a day, He said he’d never done anything like this before etc. I now realise he was clever, he’d asked what was wrong in my marriage and I’d told him my husband wasn’t a very strong man and I ended up taking on a lot of the pressures at home, S listened and then took on that persona of the strong male.
S is a Christian (I am not) and he told me he felt strong about his faith. A few months into things, he told me he’d been offered a job with the church, I was surprised, but a bit relieved, things were intense and I was concentrating at work like I should. I was confused though, this job with the church when he was having an affair with me.
Things were moving very quickly and last May while out for lunch he told me he loved me, I was shocked, surprised and honestly over the moon, how could this brilliant man be in love with me?? That weekend my husband confronted me he’d read a text message and asked me how S was. I told him, my husband was devastated I said I wasn’t happy anymore and thought we needed time apart, my husband begged me to stay. When I told S he panicked asked if my husband was going to tell his wife. I said I didn’t think so. He told me he wanted to meet my husband to explain – I now realise that was all to make me think he was good.
S left our workplace and went back to my marriage, but contact didn’t stop and a few months later we were seeing each other again. During this time he told me his marriage was really strained, that they weren’t having sex and had spoken about separating if things didn’t improve. Things weren’t great for me at home, if I’m honest I wasn’t trying, and thought my husband couldn’t compete with S – who by now I thought was the love of my life. I told S so much about me, he told me he never really opened up to anyone but with me he could, he would talk about things that had happened to him.
People at my work place had got wind of our affair and a few months later I moved to a new job, during that time S and me saw each other 3/4 times a week we worked 30 miles apart but he would drive – just to bring me a sandwich at lunchtime etc. The 40 texts a day continued, hourly long phone calls
In October my husband found out again, this time I left. When I told S again he panicked asking if my husband would tell his wife. I said I didn’t think so. I moved into a flat and my daughter spent time living between us both. During the time I was at that flat S became like my boyfriend – he’d stay over, we’d go to the cinema and dinner etc. He helped me decorate, build furniture. I realise now it was all just convenience he had somewhere to be with me that was -safe. In early December S sent me a text saying that he’d sent a text to his wife that was meant for me. He said she phoned him and she asked if he was having an affair – which he denied. He said he went home that night and his wife was crying saying she knew he wouldn’t do that. The next day he ended it with me, he said he needed to try in his marriage, that he and her had been happy til I had came along. I was devastated begged him to choose me, but he left. A few days later he text asking to talk, he said he’d made a mistake, I was so happy and things returned to as they were.
S and me talked about the future, he asked if I would have anymore kids, because he wanted to be a dad, I hadn’t really thought about it but in that moment I thought yes. He told me he cared deeply for his wife, but wasn’t in love with her, like he was me, that if he’d met me before he’d have asked me to marry him within 6 months. He said though it was more complicated with his faith and family and the church community. He began to speak about making a decision – he said he would make a decision in the new year. Christmas and New Year was horrible, I spent Christmas with my husband and daughter but New Year alone (my own doing) while he spend the whole festive period doing ‘family’ things. That’s when I decided I couldn’t go on, I told S over the phone that we needed to talk and he asked hat night to come talk face to face as he needed to tell me something, explain why he was struggling. That night he told he had been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about 7 years ago following an incident at work which led to him being fired and then him attempting suicide. He said that’s why he was struggling with his family that they had already been through so much. I understood, felt sorry for him, but glad he was opening up. He asked me to wait until Easter.
Over the next few months, we went through a rollercoaster, sometimes he was amazing other times cold distant. He told me that his gran who he cared about a lot became really ill in February, he said he was supporting his mum, and spent a lot of time at the hospital but he still tried to see me the odd lunch time. I was trying to be supportive, telling him not to worry that I wasn’t going anywhere.
Near the end of March we’d arranged for him to stay over at mine, we’d both taken the day off work. The day before he said he couldn’t stay anymore that he had something on the next day near home, that he couldn’t get out of. I was really disappointed but thought even just the day would be nice. When he arrived I was aware of how tired he looked, and then we had sex and he was cold, distant,mechanical – I was devastated, it was so demeaning. I went in the shower I cried – I knew I had to end it. And I did, I told him I could see the toll of all of this on him, his gran being ill etc and didn’t want to be adding to it. He didn’t even try once to change my mind. He left and I broke down in a heap on the floor. Over the next few days I barely functioned, I finally went to the drs who signed me off work and gave me anti-depressants. A friend invited me to her house for a week (she knew everything) and she started crying when she saw me, grey, thin, gaunt, like a ghost.
I told me husband that it was over, we’d stayed on good terms because of our daughter. He came to see me, hugged me as I cried inconsolably. He told me he loved me and he’d always be there for me. Gradually we spent more time together, going on dates, doing things together. I still cried almost every day but I began to heal a little more each day.
In the May S and me ended up at a party of a mutual co-worker. I didn’t stay long and headed home, he followed me to the train station, begging for forgiveness asking us to be friends. I remember screaming at him in the street that he’d broken my heart. He said he’d always love me. I said it was too late, I was trying with my family and I got on my train and left. He text me a few times over the next couple of weeks just asking how I was etc and I answered because I missed him he was like my best friend. But at the end of June I text to say I wouldn’t be in contact anymore that I was moving home to be with my husband. I knew that he and his wife wanted a family so I asked that he let me know, that he didn’t let me hear from someone else – he said he would.
I never heard anything for a few months and then in early August I got an email to say his with was pregnant. I felt sick, like I’d been punched in the stomach, it was too soon. I asked how far along she was and he said 12 weeks which meant it had happened in May weeks after he’d broken my heart. I couldn’t get my head round it. I had so many questions, he offered to meet to talk them through. We met in the same restaurant we always did, he told me he’d been a mess since we split up, drinking lots and that his wife had got pregnant one night when he was drunk. He told me the baby was due in Jan but I realised that didn’t add up that would mean she was 16 weeks pregnant, I asked him, he said he cycle is a bit messed up so she might be. I asked if he was having sex with her while with me and he swore he wasn’t (the thing is I wouldn’t have expected him not to be having sex with her) but he had always been insistent they hadn’t had sex since the miscarriage. He told me he’d missed me and could we be friends. The truth was I missed him too so we began to have lunch, he’d run me home. I’d missed my friend and I thought well if we can at least save something from this mess it would be worthwhile. We spent a lot of time together and slipped back to old ways. I knew it was wrong but told myself it was a way of easing some of the hurt and that once the baby arrived things would change. He told me that the pregnancy was fraught, his wife was in and out of hospital, he text one day when he’d arranged to take me home to say he couldn’t as his wife had been rushed to hospital, that she spent the whole weekend there, that she was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and had been ordered on bed rest. I felt terrible said we had to stop. He was still going to work 40 miles away from home, I told him to work at home look after her, that she must be scared. I told hi, to go home and do nice baby things.
A few weeks later we were out for lunch, I asked how she was and he said the same, bed-rest, dr in and out. We agreed we need things to end, but he asked for one more day just us, even after everything I was still madly in love. I wanted us to stay friends forever. One thing was niggling me though, the due date. I asked again if he was sleeping with her before we split and he swore to god he hadn’t that it had been in May. When I got home I felt better but it still didn’t add up so I checked on line for her ‘due date’ and it wasn’t biologically possible, I sent the link to him and asked for the truth he phoned immediately saying it wasn’t mid may like he’d said it was early may. I asked why he’d lied. He said I don’t want you to think bad of me. I asked why he’d swore to god, he said he didn’t know. I asked him to swear on his baby’s life he was now telling the truth. I asked why if he wasn’t lying and he admitted the baby was due December. I hung up my world spinning he’d been trying for a baby with her while with me. He tried to phone me over 20 times, leaving voicemails saying he was sorry, the love is real, please speak to him. I ignored him, got in the shower thought about the night before and almost scrubbed myself raw. I got out and called him. I was so angry, he was apologising. I said to why shouldn’t I tell your wife, he begged me not to, saying he’d never see his baby, she’s leave him, that he’d not been honest with me he’d been in a ‘sexting’ relationship about 6 years ago and she’d thrown him out that they’d separated for 6 months. That he’d not been honest about he he’d lost his job, that he’d been caught sending porn,. I couldn’t believe everything I was hearing. I asked how long long he’d been ‘trying with his wife’ and he admitted since Oct. So all that time when I’d left my home, he was living the happy life at home, that last day when he degraded me so I would end it. My head was spinning but some how I knew it still wasn’t the truth. So I asked again when is the baby due and he said next week (early Nov). The next bit is a blur, I said what? He said next week, I asked why had he lied he said he couldn’t admit it. I asked if she really had pre-eclampsia he said yes. I asked how was he going to explain the baby came early – he said he was going to tell me it was premature. It all began to make sense.
At that moment I knew he had to be stopped, his lying to me, his wife, everyone had to stop. So I gave him 3 options, that he tell his wife, I tell his minister or I tell his wife, he said he couldn’t do any of them. So I hung up, drove to his house ignored his 50 telephone calls and voicemails (including the one where he said he’d been in a crash!!) I sat outside his house, I didn’t know what to do. And then something snapped and I got out and walked up to his door, his wife saw me coming and got up to answer the door (in that moment I thought will I saw I’m at the wrong house) but when she opened the door 39 weeks pregnant, I spoke, I told her I was really sorry to do this while she was pregnant but her husband had been having an affair for almost 2 years, he lied all the way through to her to me. She asked me to come in, she was shaking I was shaking, but she was kind. We sat down and she said she couldn’t believe it, I said calmly – really can’t you or have you had your suspicions – she nodded and said yes she had. I told her it all, she told me things about them, that he hadn’t just been texting this other woman he’d been seeing her and they’d split for 2 years. That he’d had drug and gambling issues but had sworn this was behind him. I asked about her health, she was fine, had been the whole pregnancy, I told her what he’d said – it became clear it was all a lie.
At that moment he arrived home, I’ll never forget his face as he saw me sitting on the sofa, he’d been caught. He came in and stared crying saying I’m sorry and then he ran out the house and drove away. We spoke some more and then his wife said she was worried what he would do, so she called him, I could hear him on the other side crying saying he couldn’t come back. At that moment I text and said to come back. He did. He came in and stood by the door. She asked what he had to say and he admitted he’d been having an affair with me for almost 2 years, that it wasn’t just physical but emotional too, that he’d lied to her and to me. She asked why, he said he didn’t know, she said we’re having a baby and he said I know. I then left, I apologised to her, but said he needed to be stopped because I think he would have continued like this forever she nodded. As I passed him I told him never to contact me again. As I left and drove home I cried so hard, all the things over the last 2 years going round my head. She was pregnant in Feb, he knew she was pregnant back in March. Everything was a lie.
He did contact me, first to ask me not to tell anyone else and then to tell me he was sorry. He then sent an email telling me he was going to see a counsellor, and gave some excuses from childhood to why he’d lied. I asked him why he’d lied about so much, what was true and what wasn’t. He said he just wanted me to love him. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then he has said she’s throwing him out, at first it was after the baby was born, then after Christmas and now after Easter. He still wants to be my friend blah blah blah. On Sunday his daughter was born, he text to tell me, I sent a simple congratulations and blocked his number and have set all emails to auto delete.
My husband knows everything and I feel like such a fool for giving up my family for a fraud. It’s horrible to realise the person you thought you were in love with doesn’t exist, it’s like a death. I have so many questions but I now realise the only person who can give me them is a liar, so I will never have them answered. After googling liars etc, I found this site and I felt comfort not alone, that I can get through this.
xxxxxx
Jellyfish, there are lots of similarities between your story and mine. I just posted mine. Not sure if it’s there because I’m having trouble navigating this part of the site. Anyway, both our S’s lied frequently and easily; both were married and made promises to us with no intention of keeping them; and neither got mean (which threw me off when I was determining if he was an S, but he’s got to be). 9 weeks ago tomorrow I ended it with him for the last time. 2 weeks later he started hoovering like crazy, and didn’t stop until I had a lawyer send a letter to his house (which his wife got). That was a week ago. And since then, every day I feel stronger and better. As will you. Unfortunately you have to accept he isn’t who you thought you were. You were in love with an illusion. The real man is the one who lies to everyone and doesn’t even feel bad about it. You kept your word. He didn’t. You are so much better off without him. The best thing that can happen to you is if his wife decides to keep him, because then he will probably bother you less. I’m hoping that’s what happens with mine, because I fear if she leaves him he will really be relentless. Right now I’m taking one day at a time, and each day of no contact with him brings additional clarity and understanding that he is disordered. Reading a lot and educating yourself really helps. Good luck and keep us posted!
Hi jelly fish
My affair was 4 years and he got someone Pregnabt while we were together. He hasnt even tild me – i found out from someone else.
It’s gutting isn’t it – the lies and deceit. Makes me want to curl up and die some days. I miss him but I realise I miss the man who never existed!!!
ps sorry this is so long! didn’t realise!! I should write a book!
Everybody is saying he is not a good men. How can’t I see the signs?
Hi I posted here earlier but all the posts seem to have disappeared….
I haven’t deleted any posts jellyfish?
Hi positivagirl, I can’t see my story either. Maybe I don’t know how to navigate that part of the site. I posted a few days ago.
I was involved with a married man who is very successful in his career, but discovery of an affair would be career ending for him. For four years he promised to leave his wife. I gave him deadlines. He would blow them. I would leave. He would chase me down, promise to leave her….and I would stupidly go back. He lied to me all the time about important things. I came to understand he lied to get what he wanted, without regard for what’s right. He manipulated me like an expert, making me feel like it was my fault he didn’t leave her or be honest with me. I finally had enough 9 weeks ago, when he once again (for the 7th or so time) didn’t leave her when he said he would. I googled “lack of empathy”, because I could never understand how he could keep hurting me like that, and came upon the sociopath and narcissist descriptions but was still skeptical until I found this website and wow it really hit home. The “lack of empathy” and “stalling for time” sections really resonated with me….the repeated pattern of breaking the same promise to me which never made any sense to me, etc. He doesn’t have all the traits though. He wasn’t mean openly. He never discarded me….but then again he is high profile and can’t just seek other supply without encountering big problems. I left him 9 weeks ago. I deleted my email and Skype which is how we mainly communicated. He began texting me from his phones. I blocked him. He created new numbers with an app. I was inundated with texts….4000 in 4 weeks. He called incessantly. Left voice mails begging to talk to me. Telling me he told his wife he wants a divorce (BS). He emailed me at work. Sent flowers. Scheduled a meeting at my workplace (he doesn’t live near me but we work in the same community). I took that day off to avoid him, and he became angry and nasty. Sent me texts that night that he was outside my house. Said he was coming to my office the next day. Wouldn’t leave me alone till I talked to him. I sent him two responses saying to leave me alone and stop harassing me. Didn’t work. Finally this week I changed both my cell numbers and had a lawyer send him a cease and desist letter. It arrived. His wife signed for it. I haven’t heard from him. I have moments of feeling bad that I did that, but I needed peace to heal, and he simply wouldn’t allow that. I’m not sure why I still take responsibility for his actions and the mess he made. I know I will never go back but am starting to deal with picking up the pieces of my heart and it’s hard! Now, applying the knowledge he is disordered, many things that didn’t make sense do. But I still wonder, is he really a sociopath??? I look forward to waking up without this being the first thing on my mind. Today I am feeling peace I haven’t had in a while. Hopefully it will keep getting better!
Hi Movingon89
He does sound very much like a sociopath, I think we just want to believe that someone couldn’t be rotten to the core like that. But these men clearly are.
I hope the letter works and he leaves you in peace to heal. I get the NC helps with that now. Contact just feeds the addiction and doesn’t allow you to heal, everytime there is contact you need to start the healing all over again.
Yes, it will get better!
I can only see the posts when I reply. Am I doing something wrong?
Emmm..i dont know how to tell you but you shouldnt even feel hurt…he is one of these guys tha personally i would laugh at and say:” please..you and me???hahahahaha..you wish!!!”…come on girl…he is an idiot and if he had problems when he grew up it is not your job to fix him or something…help yourself man!!
The best thing for me to do..stop even wondering or feeling bad or….and NEVER EVER AGAIN answer to any of his calls, mails, bolck him and just disapear…send him a message telling him that he need to find a way to keep his shit together and if he finds a way not to even bother you again and then block him (without waiting an answer)..
Never ever start wondering anything different than what if i was wrong or..come on…it’s so obvious…tell him to get a life (away from you!)
xxxx
I thought I met the perfect Man. He’s destroyed my life. Looking to reach out to others with my story or help
Bel, you are never alone, this I promise. Tell us everything and we will do all we can. Xxxx
It slowly slowly gets better
. I still think of my sp way too.much but I try hard to make myself think of negative things that happened whenever my mind pops up with something I miss. He lied so much and so long it’s not hard to find something
Again thanks Joelene, yes I regularly want to curl up and die, I often cry inconsolably when I think of all the lies. I just cannot get my head around it.
This site has helped me realise I will never get the answers I’m looking for and if I do get any then I will never know if they are the truth.
The hardest part is going over things from the last 2 years and realising probably every part was for show or an outright lie.
My S is a Christian – he’s very active in the church, he preached to me about God. How can that be? When he has been doing what he’s been doing knowingly.
I hope you are ok Joelene, here to talk anytime. xxx
They read the same book and use the same script. They are so unoriginal and so unattached that they can’t see their repetitive behavior.
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind replies. I like most of us, visit this page at least once a day when I feel weak, sad, lost. It’s been 16 days NC seems like some to nothing but when you’re missing what you thought was the other half of you – feels like forever.
Thing is, I know it was ALL lies,NOTHING was real, NOTHING but I think of him and his wife and new baby and I want to scream so loud!!!
Also I now realise, that I might not have been first, I think of the girl who previously split them up, what happened there? She was cast aside for him to go back.
That’s where I wonder – is it better for his wife to stay (what has she done to deserve this) or should I hope she finds the strength that means unfortunately he finds someone else’s life to destroy
Moving
This was a great post thankyou
My son met a young girl in Spain 17 years ago and she followed him to the Uk claiming she was pregnant with his child – we took her in as the story she told us was when you look back was something that we should have questioned but no we let her into our lives and our home as she had no money, no clothes and no family and friends worth talking about and again we didn’t question it! To cut a long story short they had 4 children whom we love dearly but – she abused my son so badly financially, emotionally and psychologically – he had a complete breakdown – she had been spreading her lies to everyone that would listen making out that he was abusing her. He suffered with PTS for 2 years and he had to go no contact to have any chance of getting over this horrendous abuse – it is so evil! What did she do but sent the children to abuse him and to stop their pain he had to go away – the children have lost contact with their dad because she continually drip feeds them – he is coming home for Christmas and had sent a message to let her know that he would have them for the 2 weeks he was home and she counter messaged him telling him that he would be having them for 2 long weekends whilst she goes to Spain to see her mother and because he couldn’t do that as he was working – she sent him an e-mail telling him that he was no longer having any contact with his children. She obviously wants a fight – court case she would love as she would put the best performance of her life and even if he could afford to do this he would lose the case that is what they are good at – getting everyone to believe the worst about you – this is the first Christmas we have been without the children for 16 years! It is about time these people were made to pay for the destruction they cause in peoples lives and this should have been law a long time ago!
There is no doubt in my mind that I have been involved with a sociopath on and off for 24 years. Yes, that long. I was the woman he turned to while he was shacking up and even married if he felt frustrated or, bored. I was not his mistress during his marriage (I wouldn’t allow that, but he never left me alone) I was the other woman while he was seeing a long term girlfriend, she never knew about me for four years.He love bombed me all of the time. Every morning I would have a new love note in my messages. I thought they were incredibly sweet but insincere from the first day. He would rarely give me the space I needed to recover from a busy work schedule. If he wanted something, he simply mentioned it several times an, eventually I would provide it to him. Expensive things at times. I broke up with him about 2 years ago because he would not divorce his second wife and because he would not give me any space (they weren’t living together for about 2 years). I also began to think that it really did not matter who I was that he just needed someone in his life an that he could replace me quickly if need be. While we were separated (I never lived with him) he never really left me alone. He would message, sometimes call, call my friends and one relative moaning about my absence. Telling them he would never love anyone more than me though he might date other people. After a year he convinced me to return to him. Within a couple of months he was distancing himself from me, though swearing again he would never love anyone other than me, while he was setting up a widow in the area. Within several months his dog died. He began to drink a lot and, he became nasty to me. He stopped communicating. I was diagnosed with cancer. When I told him he said, you don’t deserve that…as i, if did deserve other bad things, presumably because I broke up with him that year. . He stopped talking to me completely as I entered treatment. I never heard his voice again since last May. After treatment I contacted him maybe a dozen times via messaging. He would not talk on the phone and rarely answered a message. I discovered through Facebook he was seeing the widow he cut out of the flock (she might have money, fairly recently widowed). I confronted him, no answer…Long story short, he married her within 10 weeks and never contacted me to tell me. I read it on Facebook. I have been devastated. I am sure I have been portrayed as a nut…I am humiliated but determined to expose this man. I left at least one of his love notes on Facebook that said how much he loved me and how no other woman would ever compare (written months, not years ago) so that the new wife might read it or, one her friends. The new woman is unattractive. I think she is the golden goose and he is after her money and financial stability. He has no assets other than a modest retirement check. Am I correct in assuming he is a sociopath? I always knew he manipulated an conned people but never realized how serious it was until he dumped me like this with no real remorse. Now he is on a religion kick which I have to believe is mostly insincere…He seemed to enjoy putting this woman in my face, and yes hurting me as much as possible. I know I sound like I deserve this creep but I tell you, he had a spell on me. I really do not trust myself with him even today. I believe he will contact me again.
You are probably right, he probably will contact you again…. even if it is years later.
I think a new chapter should be written about the sociopath. I would call it “the constant”. I firmly believe I am not the only woman out here that has unknowingly provided some weird stability or, sense of stability to a sociopath. Could it be that we infuse the socipath with a renewed energy or resolve so that he can return to a wife or live-in for as long as necessary until her pockets are fully picked? Maybe we just fulfill the role of a mother confessor, someone he can drop his sad story on. Worse, just a will reserve unit…just in case he needs a place to run to.
Is it bad I get annoyed by the people who help these SP continue to carry out lies by refusing to acknowledge what they are doing, validating their behaviour. My SP’s wife knew, he’s been like that for years, she eventually left but took him back and they’ve now had a baby! Her life fell apart again one week before the birth, when I found out the extent of his lies, yet he’s still there. She still shares a bed with him. I know she will be vulnerable right now, but surely she knows better than anyone that he is incapable of change, I can’t even begin to imagine the lies he’s told her in their 16 years together (if that’s even how long they’ve been together). By letting him stay, surely she’s saying it’s ok to treat people like dirt!
I am just grateful that I didn’t have a child with him, like he said he wanted. I can’t imagine having that lying son of a bitch in my life forever.
I can see why you would be annoyed by the constant or, enabler. I can only speak for myself when I say until recently (after 24 years) I didn’t know he was a sociopath and his sad stories were always plausible. In addition, he chased me, stalked me and love bombed me relentlessly for days, months and even years until I was always worn down and convinced he loved me. Believe it or not, I feel victimized since he used me over and over and stole years of my life. Sadly, I believe he will attempt it again, married or not. I hope next time I will tell him to step off but at this moment and, given my history with him, I doubt it. 😦
I have just been discarded by a sociopath. The relationship flourished after the recent death of his wife. My confusion over this tumoultous relationship was exacerbated by my beliefs his mixed messages were due to grief. The ridiculous thing is I still feel sympathy for him having lost my own partner a few years ago. I’m finding getting my self back very difficult at the moment.
Hi Diamond ring, what makes you think that he is a sociopath? As what you say about somebody being affected by grief, and your own grief bringing the two of you together might be true.
A sociopath is likely to fake that the ex died (of something like cancer) to mirror and identify with you.
This has helped me so much. I finally caught sociopath Joshua A. In a lie and trying to go no contact. All he wants is sex and money. He is tech savvy and is using device stealth on my cell phone he expects me to pay his parking tickets and for his suspended drivers license
Hi everyone
So you sll.know i dated my sp for four years – incredible lies the while time and online dating the last two years. He ended it witj me in sept.
Introduced new gf to family in November and told his 10 yo that she was going to.be a big sister
Here it is christmas and no baby news, but the new gf was invited to christmas lunch
I was with him 4.5 yrs and never met anyone!!!!
So my question is will he be honest with her (she already knows his first name but he didn’t tell me for 2 yrs)?
Will he.love hermore?
Will he be faithful?
This is killing me
@Jolene,
I know it’s not easy, but cut all communication, and that means the people and Internet places where you can see his whereabouts. The only person that theven sociopath loves are themselves the other ones they just use them. Concentrate on your healing and be grateful that all the crazyness have stop. Give it time, it will be better. I assure you. Merry Christmas!
I’ve cut contact with him but can still see some group convos. I know I have to cut that and I’m.making it my Nye resolution!
It will be sooo hard!
How do I stop thinking about the good times!??
I had this with the ‘group’ conversations that is how I knew he had met someone new and had changed his profile photo.
@Jolene
We have a daughter together and the only communication he have with her is to tell her things like that. As she says “dad needs another person to torture”. You don’t know how many times I have to stop myself of trying to communicate all the new woman in his life to prevent them from the danger he represents, but I know that at their eyes I will be the crazy one( I just communicate with one, cause she have two little kids of her own and was recently divorced and I was aware of the children I just send a link to his extensive criminal record). So please stop bothering.
A
That’s what i.keep saying to myself – he is lying cheating and using someone else now.
It’s hard but I was never part of his life (so many lies) and he was never part of mine (he was never interested in mine!)
So the only difference is i don’t have to put up with the constant anxiety!
They are never really part of anyones life Joelene, they are users and manipulators.. players, and SO hard work. Yes you are right, no more anxiety, wondering what he is up to. No more drama, just peace.
A friend once told me “He’s not going to be a different person just because he’s with someone new.” She wasn’t talking about my SP, but it still applies. I think it’s even more appropriate with Sociopaths. He might be trying to do things slightly different with the new woman, to get what he wants, but he’ll still revert to his comfort zone and eventually make her life a living hell. It’s just a matter of time. Be thankful he’s moved on to make someone else miserable and is no longer focused on you.
In the beginning he will mirror her reality – later he will mirror his own twisted brand of reality.
@Joelene,
I made a table with two lists the good things and the bad things. The good things took less than 4 or 5 lines, the bad things took pages. I analyze how these little things have so much weight and when I see it without passion I was able to see that all the good things came from me, not from him (great sex =I was so in love that all that happened seems great, travels=all the travels were paid by me, new things and things to do=I was the one who planned and paid for everything)
I was on the border of literally lose my life with my Pinnochio, he makes me sick, he abuse me financially, emotionally, verbally and at the final stages of our relationship physically. As he says one day when he is showing who he really are…”if I feel that I don’t have the control of you I need to regain it…with or without you”
You have been blessed by his rejection, at last you are free. Stop living under his control.
Happy Holidays to you!!! Yes they do this, usually its what you pay for, or what you provide. They just sell it to you that they are providing something that you do not have, when actually you had it all the time. They are a total waste of space really. Hope you had a good one and that 2016 will be amazing for you!!
@Jolene
They kept their victim away from their lives, cause this is the way they avoid that their new victim can see who they really are. His ex wife try to contact me and I thought “she is crazy” as he said to me. He is always saying that he is trying to get the custody of their children, but I never saw him with them. He says his family hate him and that’s why he doesn’t have contact with them. He says he doesn’t have male friends cause he can’t trust them because they are envious of his looks (he is really good looking) The truth is that his wife have suffered for 18 years of his infidelity and he battered her. The children are afraid of him and avoid contact with him. His family is great and avoid contact with him to stop the abuse he have kept for years against his family. His only friends are women, the supply he needed for his narcissism, all of them at different stages of his romancing. I understand all of these when I was at last able to contact the grandmother, aunts, brothers and sister of my child.
You probably just haven’t seen the truth yet, at least if it is a Sociopath that you have been involved with.
@Positiva
¡Feliz Navidad! Have a great new year without any sociopaths around you 😎
Hey you!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! You know that this is the first year I have gone into the year totally psycho free since 2008. YAY its a good feeling. It is amazing how much healing and recovery can be done in a year. That a year ago, I still had his freeloading ass in my house. He would move out end of January. I am so happy to be in 2016 and not 2015. Happy new year!!
Positiva,
He is a sociopath, he have a diagnostic as a borderline personality ( he says it is post traumatic stress disorder) He says something and act on another way I was so confused. I was able to know the truth when at last I was able to contact his family. Doctors make sociopath diagnostics?
Where can we find the steps of what they do!? The mirroring, discarding etc
How did you find the strength to.leave? In.many ways I can see how not.knowing will help me as my.imagination about how happy he is and how well he.is going – is much more colourfull than reality anyway.
But to cut off from.all knowledge if him is incredibly painful to imagine! what if he moves town???
Jolene
The strength is inside you.
Cut contact is the only way to start healing. It will be painful at first, but you will find a treasure Ay the end
5 days ago I left my bf.
I have all the negative feelings you all have or have felt.
I have so many questions as to if he is a sp
He has a lot of the characteristics, but
He did a lot for me, he was attentive, little special things, made sure I had a jacket on, he’d always say yes to things he didn’t want to do, drives, sex, Stay up late with me. He*d buy me small gifts, make me dinner a lot, he’d send me texts all day. ( texts that he couldn’t say in person)
He doesn’t know how to communicate in person well.
I do not feel love energy from him
He said he expresses love by doing things for me ( fixing things around my house ect. ). I never let him fix things because I’m not like that, I do not like to feel obligated to not know how to return favor.
Sex, rarely felt passionate. He’s a porn addict, and we always have to have light off so he can fantasize. I made him have sex every night that I could , so he wouldn’t do porn, or cheat ( pathetic of me I know) also I was extremely sexually attracted to him, I feel it was my way of getting real attention from him, even though he was fantasizing about his porn/other women.
He liked to make me feel small if I was excited about something other than him.
He knows a woman’s body, his gift is defiantly women, his massages were incredible, until I realized why he’d give them to me/ to keep me feeling cared for, it wasn’t bcuz he wanted to touch me. He never looked at me and got an erection, and I’m pretty, he’s not handsome to most, he looks like an old creepy man. He could easily get erected by TV or strangers walking down street. Sex to him was a chore for him with me, he made me feel degraded & hated that I got angry if we didn’t have sex.
Now I’m sounding like the crazy one & I was for staying,he would gas light me, a lot.
he mentioned a movie he watched where Cowboys built their farm, city wives would go to the farm, and would go crazy, they would be sent to a mental home, and they would get another wife and repeat how they made them crazy.
~ red flag ( again)
We went to therapy once , he went twice on his own for me, of course it just helped him feel like he didn’t have any problems. He lied thru it all.
I want him Back, I need to get back into my own therapist, I miss him, I miss companionship I’m guessing. He was very good at being good and very good at being hurtful. I’m a mess & I blocked him from my phone & Social networking. I’m angry because I know in my heart if he is a sociopath it was all cruel lies and all the love he claimed to have was fake. If my intuitions are real, he’s an artist at being an invincible cheater & liar.
He has those wierd stares.
He’d get lost in his fantasy world a lot ( stare into space)
He’d go out of his way to make me angry, then get mad because I was angry. We’d have hours and hours of cheating talks ( that doesn’t seem like an sp, to talk that long )
I’ve never had proof he cheated Only porn
I’m losing sleep & he’s sleeping like a baby or in bed with someone else.
I’m only at the very start of my healing journey. Wanting to burst into tears at the slightest things, and feeling alone and lost. My sociopath was a classic, as far as I can gather from all my research. He stole money from me and my teenage son, he was violent at times, loved to play scary practical jokes like jumping out of cupboards or barking loud in my ear like a dog, he damaged my property, even destroying cars causing me to have to take out loans for new cars, he only ever half fixed things or deliberately sabotage projects I was working on, he lied about everything all the time, he cheated many times, he withheld love, never worked for more than a couple of months, was an alcoholic, did scary things and blamed them on others claiming he had no knowledge then consoling me, I paid for courses that he’d start and not finish, I bought all his clothes. He was grumpy and mean, or so I hoped, because deep down I knew there was more to it, he was mentally insane, cause of the cold insane look he had in eyes. He couldn’t handle me staring at him with love- it freaked him out. He took everything from me, my trust, my happiness, my love, my money, my sanity, my dignity, everything. I truly believed he was my only friend in the world so I held on despite my better judgement for 6 years.
Hi freegirl, I am sorry that you are hurting. Being at the start of the journey is tough. He sounds very narcissistic and openly abusive towards you. I think what is tough when they are like that, is how worthless they make you feel inside. You feel worthless when you are with them, and when they leave you feel an empty shell of a person. Hurt beyond belief that anybody could be so cruel.
Do you know what is good though? He cannot take any more from you, he cannot cost you anymore. He cannot pull you down. He cannot ruin your self esteem anymore. There is nothing more he can do to you.
I know about that cold look of insanity, it is a spooky look. I would feel the energy change, the eyes would darken, colour would drain from the face, and the rage would take over, like a tornado of nothing I had ever seen before in my life.
Please stick to no contact, and stay away from him, it will help you to heal and recover.
Thankyou so much for your encouraging words and advice. If this was the universe giving me a lesson in boundaries then the world is cruel, but I’ve learned that lesson. A new year and a new me. Thanks once again, you really are my lifeline right now. x
@free girl
Everything will be better. Give it time…and of course, ¡no contact! You have the power to regain control of your life.
Happy free new year!
Thankyou xx Happy new year to you too.
I have been reading the posts and other websites for the past couple of days. I know my ex boyfriend is a narcissist/SP but my heart still wants to put on rose colored glasses.We dated for 18 months but have known each other for years. Sadly, when I typed “we dated” I realized he would say that we didn’t. I was married throughout our relationship. I separated from my husband before he and I became romantically involved. Our relationship was all consuming. He texted and messaged me every day for hours at a time, even throughout the night. He would call and talk to me for hours when I was at work. I would spend all my free time either being with him or trying to be with him, meaning making arrangements for my other responsibilities to child and family members or friends and work to be taken care of. He always complained I never had enough time for him. I felt stretched between work responsibilities and other relationships always trying to give him more time. I wanted to be with him and always found it painful to leave him, mostly because I knew he would often retaliate with silent treatments or ” time off” periods wherein he would halt our romantic and sexual relationship. We would sometimes go months in “time off” periods where we would be together, sharing the same bedroom but not being physically intimate. He gave me access to every part of his life and always emphasized that to demonstrate how much he trusted me and that I had “special access”. He did all this but emphatically professed that he did not and would not love me. That our relationship was a “pretend” and I should not get “too attached” He did not give me gifts or things, other taking me out to eat. He never spoke sweetly to me and rarely used terms of endearment and would often say I needed to move on. Which is different from the typical SP. The “time off” periods always ended with intense periods of sexual involvement and I would always wind up feeling hopeful that he was beginning to “feel for me.” Near the end of our relationship I moved in with him. In some respects this reduced my stress because I was more accessible to him and didn’t have to juggle so much, but he still never seemed satisfied and he continued to say ” it was all pretend” and he did not love me. He would always refer to our friendship of many years as being the reason he continued on with me. He wanted me to finalize my divorce and he was very demanding about it, lecturing me sometimes for hours. I was miserable all the time. I was deeply in love with him and wanted so much for him to return the same. I kept trying harder. After several months of living together and 2 particularly intense arguments, 1 of which regarded his involvement with another woman online I followed my gut and moved out. I believed if I lived in my own space and we continued to date we could work though some things and maybe he would come to love and appreciate me. Initially he reacted as if he was devastated that I moved out. Over the course of about a month he became more and more distant. Then one night it just all ended. He cut me out. The texts, messaging and phone calls just stopped. After almost 2 years of constant contact it just stopped. A black hole. I learned he had become interested in another woman. I responded with devastation and he very coldly said there was nothing to talk about. When I confronted him about the other woman he angrily denied it and came back at me with vile messages, name calling and hateful tantrums. He made it seem like I was acting crazy. Eventually he just stopped everything and for a month we had no contact. One night he sent a text. I responded and we text for 5 hours. the next day it was silence again. For another month that is how it has gone. Recently he “invited me back into his life.” I know he is with this other woman and yet he infers that he is not. He will send a text every few days and if I respond his responses are short and its clear that he doesn’t have time to invest in me. I assume he texts when his other woman is not available and then when she connects with him he cuts me off as I am not needed anymore. I am his back-up supply. His option 2. The first time I saw them together I actually vomited…all night long. And cried myself into a migraine. I continue to see them together and I feel sick to my stomach and am tortured by thoughts of him doping things with her/to her the things he did and shared with me. I know him so well I can predict his behavior and know when he is lying in his texts to me. I have bouts of crying and a deep, deep sadness that makes me feel empty and shattered. I am in therapy and I know I need to do the no contact rule in order to heal….but my heart can’t seem to let go of the hope that he and I can at least resume some sort of friendship. Every day I fight the fantasy of who I believed him to be. I suffer terrible nightmares, often of him with her laughing at me. I suffer self-loathing for not being pretty enough or enough of whatever he wanted. When I have seen him with her he seems totally smitten something he never was with me. I take sleep meds and am on antidepressants. I have worked hard to resume my life that stalled because of my relationship with him. I have reconnected with family and friends and am getting caught up with my work, even had a promotion. I am making efforts to get back to the hobbies and activities I enjoyed before him but it takes everything I have to stay focused on present. My mind constantly turns to him replaying our relationship and visions of his new life with his new woman. The tears just keep coming…and I feel myself waiting for his contact. How do I get my heart to catch up with my head? Will I ever have the strength to stop contact with him longer than a few days? I feel like my heart will never heal from this and I will never be a fun, loveable person again. Recently a friend told me that the sadness just seeps out of me and that those who know me remark all the time about how sad I am. I still feel deeply in love with him although I know I can never be with him and be healthy and happy. Is there hope?
Hi healing. Keeping in contact with him keeps you in the loop. Take it one day at a time with no contact. I am sure that you are a loveable person. Your friends and family love you. Just that maybe you are focusing on love from the wrong place. Holding on will only hurt you more.
Thank you. Someone hearing my story helps. I want so much to break out of this cycle. I pray for the strength every day to say good bye for good.
Thanks again.
Positiva may have wanted to reach through cyber and smack my chops with this message 🙂
But it helps a lot.
My sp doesn’t contact me at all, but I text him. So I had to stop
It gives you time to heal
@Healing
Yes there are hope. I know it’s not easy, but you have to stop immediately all contact with him. Stop answering his text. No contact is the answer.
@Healing Heart
I understand so much how torn you are. Positivagirl is right – you are looking for love in the wrong place, you deserve so much better. His kind of behaviour, controlling, manipulating, is not love. It is a natural response to look for the good times in your relationship and you focus on them, or the sexual attraction that you have to him, which makes you still desire his attention, but his attitude and treatment of you is destructive – emotionally and physically. That is not Love. You worry about his apparent fawning over this new woman, but he is getting what he wants from her – it could be money, or just the intense attention of a new target – because that is what she is, prey. In time, he will turn on her too, and she will probably be usurped, either by someone else or by his focussing again on you. Believe me, I know what it is to be emotionally battered and bruised, you just cling on to any bit of floating wreckage of your relationship. The only way to survive is to break all contact, never respond. Consider how the bonds you have so painfully re-formed with your family and friends would suffer if you took up with him again. They could see what he was doing to you – they genuinely care about you and love you – in being strong and resisting him you will rise above him, and be able to gather strength. Easy to say, I know, but I truly hope and wish that you find strength from knowing that you are not alone. Best Wishes, Lana.