Today is a horrible day… I haven’t felt this bad in a while 😔. I didn’t sleep well ( I woke up every few hours) and thought about how he used me while acting like and saying he cared about me. I’m between crying and wishing something really terrible happens to him and he suffers!!! I hate feeling like this!! I want to be happy again… I hate that he’s causing me to feel this way!!!
You are healing cindy. I know this is hurting. You are getting toxins of him out. You might feel a bit bi polar as you swing from tears to anger and hating him. This is normal too as his behaviour towards you was very dual in nature. I know that today is a bad day. Do something nice for you. Take it one day at a time and take care of you!!
Today was a little better. I went to the nail salon to get a manicure and pedicure… It was the highlight of my day. I laid in bed watching tv most of the day. I feel so tired and don’t feel like doing much. I hate that this is affecting me like this. What he did has taken my confidence, I hate that!! It takes an effort for me to do anything now days. I feel like I’m merely existing. I’m usually full of life!!
It actually wasn’t a better day. Yes, I think I might be depressed. I’m fighting it but I have almost no joy in life. I’m only slightly happy if I’m around people doing something… When I’m alone I think about him, what’s he’s done to me, that he doesn’t care. It makes me either angry or very hurt and sad. I feel like I’m going crazy and that I’ll never be happy again.
I understand how you feel. I cried ever single day between September and January. I cry fewer days now but I tend to feel blank inside or, angry to the point of fantasizing about his day of reckoning. One day he will be alone though probably not too miserable, he’ll be too old and fugly to get another victim. That to me would be justice. BTW, he’s already gained 100 pounds at least in a year. Must be all that happiness. Take care, you will feel better and one day you will meet an honest, decent man:) you deserve it.
You will feel hollow inside for a time. After 7 months I can say I don’t cry every single day. I don’t think about loving him but I do desire to see justice. His latest pic indicates about 100 lbs of weight gain in about a year. Perhaps that is a sign that all is not as wonderful as he would have me and others believe. Seriously, I just want to forget I ever knew him. You will feel the same one day but it takes time. I wish you well. I am so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve it, no one does.
I know how you feel. I feel like I have lost the last 6 mths since he ended it. I’m obsessed and totally lost. I’ve cried my heart out, now I have these uncontrollable outbursts of rage. Never at him as I’m trying yo be nc,so it’s directed at my famiky and loved ones. But I get glimpses of peace. Every now and then I get moments of such relief that the daily torture of life with him is finally over. I never wanted him to leave but I know that he Waa lying to me, cheating on me and using me. It Waa eating at my soul every day.
So now, as the tears subside, I see tiny glimpses of the sheer relief that this game is over.
I have a long way to go and I’m trying to up my exercise to increase endorphins.
It’s a slow process but I promise well get there!!! Stay close, journal. Stay active, eat healthy.
We are healing together
Thank you Ladies… At least I know that this process is to be expected and I’m not alone. Love you all for the support. I’m feeling the same way: hurt, anger and want him to hurt as much as he’s hurt me. Sometimes the pain is unbearable… I’ve had to go cry in the ladies room at work twice today!!! I’m so tired of feeling like this.
Has anyone ever contemplated suicide? I’m not right now, but I would do almost anything not to be this ball of crying, hurt, angry lifeless shell of my former self!!!! When he first confessed that he lied to me for months about not being able to spend quality time with me ” because he just didn’t want to”. It hurt so bad that I wanted to die!!!! I took sleeping pills and drank wine. Not necessarily to kill myself, but to go into a long deep sleep. I slept most of that day and the next day I felt better. I have a few very supportive friends and they are really trying to help but it’s when I’m alone that’s the worst!!!! Only God can get me through this…. I’m praying all the time!!!
I have been through absolute HELL!! but yet he goes on like everything is cotton candy, rainbows and puppies!! I was with him 7 years and have been knowing him almost 8 and I have absolutely NOTHING to prove that the relationship even existed. It was one big lie. I’m still hurting ,sad,depressed and CRYING ALL THE TIME. He’s out flaunting his new romance all over facebook..well, she is.They look so happy together and all I think is”maybe it is something wrong with me?” It cushes me to ask myself why he never ever considered trying to work things out between us? I have watched him jump from one relationship to the next and I just want to make it all go away, but I don’t know how…how to not think about it. It’s the worst at night when I’m all alone in my bed trying to fight off thoughts of him and her being together. It’s like I’m fighting a losing battle and I so desperately want to wave my white flag and SURRENDER.I am tired of crying ..I am tired of feeling numb when I am not crying,I’m tired of implementing No Contact and failing,I am tired of not being or feeling like the woman I was before I met him- I am angry at myself for not being able to pull myself out of this .I am angry that I am a weak, emotional mess.
Hi Sherrie… How are you today? I’m better, I hope you’re better too. It’s hard, but we can’t let them destroy us. I know you’re hurting, so am I. Prayer and my friends are what’s getting me through this difficult time in my life. The good news is that we have good days! Hold on to those good day and try to have more of them. Pray, pray and pray some more!!!! I hope you having good friends who care about you…. If so, reach out to them. Let them know that you need them. Initially my friends didn’t understand ” sociopath” nor did they believe it. They know him so when I sent them links to articles and list of character traits they got it. I’m praying for you. We will be ok… They can NOT destroy us!!!
Hi..how are you? I’m not doing so great today 😦 I tried to express how badly I am hurting to my ex last night and it was like talking with a brick wall. He just does not seem to understand what or how I feel, he apologized, but SERIOUSLY..what does saying “I’M SORRY” actually change? Nothing, not to mention that whenever he attempts to apologize; it seems like he’s apologizing to himself- I’m sorry I called you that Friday or I’m sorry that I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have? Um..that’s not apologizing SMH and then he just told me to get online and try to meet someone! I can’t believe how cold and callous he is to me..I DON’T KNOW WHY HE HATES ME-I find myself trying to figure out what to do next,when there’s truly nothing I can do..He places OTHER WOMEN on a pedestal, oh,but not me! He doesn’t care and it crushes me. He claims that he has changes or is working on changing to become a better man, but only for her.I do not think I will be able to get over this,thoughts of him being with her kills me. I don’t know how I got to this -or why?why do I deserve this..why? All I can figure out is that maybe God is mad at about something-there has to be a reason for this, I just wish I knew how to fix it, I can’t though. I can’t do anything to fix it. I wish I could just disappear because I truly believe that no one would care, I’m more than sure that he would jump for joy. I’m tired…just so exhausted.Nobody understands what I am going through, especially my dad, he calls me weak and maybe I am.
Hey sherrie you are not weak. How could you have withstood so much abuse if you were weak? He doesn’t put anyone on a pedestal he just fakes he does to win them to get what he wants from them. If you remember he did this to you too. But what he thinks isn’t worth anything…. but you are!! As for him working on being a better person, you know one I knew did that for years he always led me to believe he was about to make a full recovery. He wasn’t of course.
No you don’t deserve this pain. I know what you mean when you say “maybe God is mad at me” I did that and the whole “this must be karma” too. I was great at self blame. But kat THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT!!! You can’t fix it or him. Sociopaths can’t be fixed it is a personality disorder in the brain. Hardwired!!
You won’t always feel like this but you must stick to no contact. Each time you make contact like a quit smoker smoking just one cigarette. …. then it makes it hard all over again. Breaking no contact works the same way. You need to stick to it to heal. To recover.
Sending you a Tuesday hug!! Remember no contact !
Yes, I walked to the highway with the intent to walk out in front of a semi. I reconsidered and I’m glad I did. That man is not worth dying for and either is yours. Truth is, he would only use my suicide as a way to get sympathy for himself.
OMG YES you are like a LIGHT unto this blog Julie!! You are so right, can you imagine it? He would do exactly that, use it for pity play, and getting sympathy AND CAN YOU NOT NOW SEE HOW CRAZY SHE WAS AND HOW MUCH HE HAD TO COPE WITH …. oh god … yes.
Julie – I once did exactly the same. I was so hurt and angry when I found cards and photographs of other women that he had kept hidden in our home (my home, as he never contributed) he kept denying it even though I was waving them in his face! The frustration made me desperate, I ran straight to the main road and was going to fling myself under a lorry. He ran after me and grabbed me around the waist. The irony is, he said “you must really love me if you were so jealous that you wanted to die.” He was PLEASED! From that moment on I knew that he was not worth dying for, and he was not going to get the better of me. They mess with your head so much, twist everything to reflect their own narcissitic egos. YUK!
Yes. In my 2nd year with my SP. I didn’t wait, I checked myself into a mental hospital because I was scared of myself and what I would do. The pain was so bad. I began taking sleeping pills just to sleep through instead of live through the pain. I spent 10 days in the hospital–I was scared more than any other time to go it, it was weird and different and I got away from him and it hurt, but it helped me avoid anything so drastic. But, I did go back to him when I got out (yep : ( ). I did not know he was an SP. I did not understand the manipulation that was going on, I just felt nuts–the back and forth pull and feeling majorly depressed and him adding on the put downs and insults between the sweet things.
I’m glad I checked myself in because I had the medications that I could’ve taken. I got a new counselor afterward (from a low-cost neighborhood clinic) and began going to her twice a week. I’d talk to her crying the whole hour for two years. Only now can I sometimes get through an hour of counseling without crying. What I’m saying is yes, I contemplated it. Got help to prevent it. Went back, but started educating myself and, after 5 years, I finally went NC on him. Almost a since then, I keep up the counseling once a week, haven’t broken NC and have a lot of healing to do, but if I can get through (no job, no kids, few friends left, Narc parents), you can too. Really, really, really.
I know group counseling for this topic would’ve helped me a lot, but oddly, I’m in a huge city and I couldn’t find this type of group and ended up on online support groups and watching YouTube videos to which I cried my eyes out. But doing so made me understand what this personality disorder is and how many other people are dealing with it. I hadn’t even known this type of person existed, let alone my own family members were very similar.
Please get outside help in any way you need to before it gets worse. We care about you and others cursed with meeting such toxic people. Hang in there.
Yes, these people can bring you utterly low and despairing. The people they prey on are good, kind, generous hearted people, that’s how they know they will get what they want. If you were a cynical, cold and selfish person they wouldn’t be able to make use of you. No wonder those of us who have been used can’t understand it – it is beyond our comprehension, we can’t imagine how someone could be so calculating and emotionless.
I can only speak for myself, but I know that I have always looked for the good in others, always trusted and always believed that I could see the best side. I used to trust my instincts, perhaps that was arrogance. I don’t any more. I feel safer alone.
Tonight there was an excellent documentary on the BBC (I’m in England) it was about domestic abuse. Two of the women in that programme had been beaten almost to death by their partners. The men were manipulative and lied barefaced in police interviews. One of them left foul and abusive messages to his estranged partner, more than a hundred times a day. And yet, those two women missed those men and could only think about how much they had once loved them. They couldn’t understand how they could hurt them so badly. They kept trying to find some good. When one man was convicted and jailed for 2 years, his partner was convulsed with grief and pain and talked about reconciliation. In the end, they all broke away from the abuse and vowed to live a new life, but I doubted it. I think they could well be reconciled.
It was revealing, because I know that the Police could not understand why I kept taking back my alcoholic SP – they clearly thought that I was mad. He wasn’t physically violent, but I think he could have been if pushed. Yesterday, I was in the place where I scattered his ashes in the sea, and I found myself longing for him. If he was alive I think he could still manipulate me.
So Cindy, Julie, Joelene and everyone – I understand your struggle, and I admire the strength that makes you question your own feelings. It is the first step on the road to healing. You are all good, kind and loving women, if you weren’t you would not feel this sorrow. But you all deserve better, and when you can love yourself properly you will attract better, truer love in return. No one should put up with abuse – physical, emotional or financial. These men are poison, and they want to inject that poison into your veins so that it becomes part of you. Don’t let them, you are worth far more. Stay strong lovely ladies, good wishes from Lana!
Hi… I’m much better today. I’m working from home which is a blessing because I just couldn’t make it into the office today. My Therapist is going to call me today with an appt. In the meantime I have great friends who are rallying around me, calling to check in on me, praying for me. I have a friend who’s a Pastor, last night he told me to google ” soul ties” I did. OMG!!! It explains a lot!!! When we are intimate with these evil people we get a spiritual connection with them and their evil spirit. It’s why we can’t let them go. Knowledge is power!!! ( I almost didn’t write that because it’s a part of my ex- sp FB name) but it is!!! I’m understanding a lot of why I feel this way and I feel so much better today!! Thank you for checking on me@ positivagirl
Ah how good to hear that you are feeling better today. Yes good friends can be like angels huh? I love it when an old friend phones just to ask how you are? You are valued. 💖 what was it about the soul ties that you read that struck a chord?
Positivagirl I’ve read about ” soul ties” and it makes sense in my case. I used to ask him during sex ( and other times ) ” what are you doing to me”? He would say either ” I’m giving you great sex” or ” that’s my secret”. I often felt like I was under his spell… Not much else mattered except being with him. Today is a good day but usually I’m missing him, I still sometimes want him sexually. His evil spirit attached to me through sex… Jesus, what else can these people do us?! All of you should google ” soul ties”. It may make sense to you.
Yes and you can cut those chords as well. I wrote about this but also Google or youtube has some good videos on it too. Archangel Michael can help you.
@CindyT – please know that what you’re going through is normal. Your pain and feelings of rejection are okay and you will get through it and come out on the other side just fine. Allow yourself to be sad for the loss of the relationship and the man you wanted him to be. Mourn the ghost he left behind and grieve the man you loved. But, allow yourself to heal eventually. Know that he’s not a better man with her. They don’t change just because they’re with someone new. Facebook should be called Fakebook. It’s where everyone posts how happy and great their lives are. Even when they’re not. He’s the same person and he’ll do the same damage to all future relationships. Feel sorry for them because you know what’s going to happen to them and there’s nothing you can do to warn or save them because they wouldn’t believe you anyway. Take it one day at a time, but get a little better and stronger each day. It will happen.
Kristine…. Sweetie thank you!!! Yes, I know enough to know that he will do the same thing to his new supply!!! That’s something I don’t concern myself with. I’m only concerned about my mental health and getting my happiness back. Yes, I struggle with understanding that the sweet, caring, handsome and attentive man that I fell in love with doesn’t exist, never did… But it’s hard because that’s who I love!!! Yes, I’m mourning the relationship… That guy could make me smile instantly with just a ” how’s your day going” text!!! I feel so empty without him now, but I know I will get over that one day. As fake as they are, unfortunately for us our love was real. The discard and ignoring just about killed me but it’s who he is in the end. Again thank you!!
I felt suicidal in the immediate aftermath. I think it was because my reality had just disappeared, all those moments, feelings, were manufactured by him. There was no truth in anything I had know for 2 years, I was questioning every conversation we had. All those times he told me he was planning a future, but he was living a second life with someone else.
I was devastated, the person I trusted the most was a myth. I couldn’t function in the days after. But I realised how low I was and I reached out for help to friends and family and I went to see my daughter.
Even now, when I think back, the depth of my sadness still catches my breath, I still feel it with as much pain as I did then. But I am hoping that will change over time. Whenever I feel down, I remind my self that I had a lucky escape, that he wasn’t a prize. That I’m better off without that kind of ‘love’.
I haven’t touched base here in awhile, but I read everyone’s posts and I thought it was time to update on my journey…I left my SP on July 7, so it’s been 8 months. I discovered his affairs with multiple women while we were on vacation at his family’s lake house. The confrontation became physical, police were called and I ended up in an ambulance with a split lip, covered in bruises, all because the iPad was more important to him than I or my teenage son were, in that moment. His mother told police I was a liar, even though they were not present when the altercation happened. I got a ride to a car rental a half hour away, got my son home and moved out of my home in two days.
Fast forward eight months…I began NC as soon as I had the last of my things from him, blocked him from my and my son’s phone and from social media. I can’t stress enough that this is what you all MUST do! I attribute the place I am in now to removing him from my life completely. I felt what all of you are feeling, I still have bad days, but they are fewer and fewer. When I felt I was ready, I began dating and have met someone who is wonderful and kind and real. I still deal with the aftermath of what I went through, because while the new man is so great, he responds and moves at the pace of a normal man. We are taking our time getting to really know each other, which is good, but is way less exciting than the whirlwind that is the SP method of dating. So the moral of my story is this…for most of us in the healing process, no contact is key, taking the best care you can of yourself is key, and moving on and leaving the SP behind completely is the way to start life over! Remember this…the man you loved didn’t really exist…he was a facade…the monster you see now is real and you all deserve better than that in your lives!!!
Hi Susan thank you for your update. It is so good to know that you are in a better place and moving on with your life. I found the same dating someone who wasn’t a sociopath he wasn’t as intense. Normal people aren’t. It is good to hear that you are happy, healthy and moving forward with your life in a positive way.
Finding this website today may have saved my life. I died a little inside reading through all of signs of dating a SP and seeing that every, single, one of them applied and I didn’t see through his act.
I met him when I was 16, and he was 50. He was a married man who just wanted a mistress on the side. I was at a horrible place in my life, I was depressed, anxious, had no self esteem, no friends, running away from school, and my home life was just as bad. I was at such a vulnerable place in my life and it was the perfect moment for him to come scoop me up and feel like I had found my saviour. He gave me money, lots of it, he gave me a place to stay, made me feel like the most beautiful and special girl in the world. I think it’s easy to imagine how extreme my attachment was to him at this point. But then, a few months later, he was arrested for seeing me, his family found out, and I was devastated. He had conditions not to see me, but that didn’t stop him from keeping me reeled in. He had a disposable phone which he would use to send me texts a few times a week, and he kept me hooked. I spent a year in the worst depression of my life without him, developed an eating disorder, extreme suicidal thoughts, and used copious amounts of drugs to get by because I loved him so much and being without him was the end of the world. Eventually his charges were dismissed (16 is the legal age in Canada), and I started seeing him again around 17/18. The worst part was his wife never left him after finding out- she stayed with him and I realize now how badly he must’ve brainwashed her as well. They had a daughter my exact age-16, and she stayed…He had even hinted at wanting younger, much younger, and looking back I am fairly certain he was also a pedophile. For the next few years our relationship intensified. He was my drug. I wanted and needed to see him whenever he was free. He would give me lots of money, gifts, and he took priority over anything or anyone else. He paid my tuition, he paid for trips, the financial attachment to him was the worst. I always knew there was something wrong with him but I brushed it aside. I thought maybe he had some emotional problems but I never thought that the love he told me he felt for me was fake. This went on for years, until yesterday. I am now 21, and over the past year it was harder and harder to ignore his lies and discrepancies in his stories, and I even tried multiple times to leave but I just ended up coming right back. Yesterday, I found a backup phone in his car. After confronting him he just gave me more bogus lies, until I realized I knew the password and saw a glimpse of the messages before he snatched it out of my hand. It was very obviously he was seeing other girls. Eventually I found his account on a dating for pay type site and saw the messages that he was sending tons of other girls- the exact same messages he would send me every day 😦 It crushed me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much pain in my life. Everything I thought I knew about this man for 5 years, EVERYTHING, was a life. I was never special to him, I was never his true love. How many times I worried that I wasn’t the only one and he would look me in the eyes and assure me that he would never hurt me that way. I feel worthless. I feel like I wasn’t good enough that he had to go out and seek someone better. Where did I go wrong? He even kept telling me that the reason he went out looking for other girls was because I was being “mean” to him lately, that it was MY Fault. No remorse. Almost a smirk on his face as I was sitting there bawling my eyes out and falling apart.
But finding this website helped me tremendously. I think it’ll be a long road ahead of me- but I finally know that I never really knew this man at all. It was never ME, it was him all along. He called me crazy, told me that it was my fault, I was the overly paranoid one. And every second of it he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the pain that I was in. I never knew him at all. Today I feel like my life can finally begin. At 21, I can finally start my life over. I’ve completely neglected every other part of my life-family, friends- alienated myself from all of them, because I felt like he was the only one I needed. He was my rock. Today, I can finally be free.
Sorry for the long post, I just really wanted to share my story and thank you guys for this site. Seriously, this is such a huge help ❤
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us all. How brave you have been to have endured so much. My heart went out to you reading this story.
I so hope that you have people to support you? Or has he isolated you from everyone? I would think that you would benefit from additional professional support.
You have been through a horrible time. Your first experiences into the adult realm with a monster like this. I don’t usually use that word, but he is kat. There are so many support services out there. I wanted to ask if you are in touch with any support services for young people? As you say you are 21. One thing that you will need is to learn to trust again.
What has happened is NOT your fault kat! I am so sorry that this has happened to you.
Thank you so much positivagirl for your response, it means a lot to me. I am lucky to have my mom and my sister by me who have given me tremendous support, and I’m also trying to find some professional help as well. It’s so hard to ever imagine trusting a man again 😦 I still can’t believe what has happened in the past 24 hours and I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare… Everything that I thought I knew was shaken up and I’m so confused and disoriented. Today I felt like steering my car off a bridge as I was driving home, but I knew that I couldn’t give up. I can’t let him win. He doesn’t deserve it.
What hurts the most is that he gets to go on with his life as if nothing happened; no regret, no guilt, no sadness, nothing. He gets to continue seeing other girls just like me and living happily while he leaves behind the destruction he’s caused. He doesn’t have to go through what I’m going through and he doesn’t even have to care an ounce about it. I spent 5 years unknowingly with this unbelievably cruel monster and the only one who suffers is me. He gets to go home to his family, damage them even more, damage more teen girls, and I can’t even stop it. I can’t warn them, I can’t warn these poor innocent girls about the predator that he is and what he’s going to do to them 😦
Kat, you can’t be responsible for those girls. Even if you did want to tell them do you think that they would listen? What do you think he would say?
All you can do, is to take care of YOU. It can be done, I don’t want you thinking of driving off of a bridge, if you do feel like that, then get the number for your local suicide hotline, and just speak to someone. And/Or talk to those who are close to you. I know that where i live, there is a specific support agency offering specialist support, for people who have been ‘groomed’ just like you. As that is what he did Kat, he groomed you. It happens to a lot of young people, He took advantage of you. Ahead of you, will be a beautiful life Kat, marriage, happiness, children. No this horrible man does not deserve taking that from you. Please look to see what help there is in your area. Keep your world small right now, it will take time to heal and recover. This man brainwashed you for a considerable period of time. It does take time to recover from that. But it CAN be done. You can heal. YOU ARE very much deserving of love, real love. You are very much deserving of someone to value and treasure you, for you. He does NOT define your sense of worth. You are worthy.
Start by doing a google search, and look for support services for young people. I hope that there will be a specialist service in your area, like there is where I am. I think you are very brave to seek out the help, and to be so open about what you have been through.
Darling Kat, I recently came out of my destructive 7 year socio relationship and identify with a lot that you mentioned. I too found the second phone, the hundreds of dating site identities, and the exact messages (otherwise known as the formula) he would send to me – and I too am struggling with the fact that it was all untrue – and I am 43. I am a professional independent woman who has over 160 people report to me – and I got done like a baked dinner. Stay here and interact often with those who have been there and done that – and you will get through this. ((((Hugs)))
Thank you ladies so much ❤ I will definitely try to seek more support. Avaria, thank you for sharing your story with me, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. It means so much knowing that there are so many people who have gone through the exact same thing. I wish I could have just known he was a sociopath from earlier on- there were so many red flags…. but I guess it only makes us stronger going forward.
How long did you guys find it takes for the unbearable pain to stop? I am such a mess right now, I haven't slept and barely ate since I found out and I feel like throwing up constantly. I hate that he put me in this position- I have exams coming up and I haven't even begun studying for the tests I have this week. I want to be strong and not let it affect my life but it's so hard to read or concentrate when I feel like melting into a puddle of sadness.
Also, I know it's bad, but I can't stop sending him nasty messages 😦 He hasn't been replying, which is a good thing for me. But when I'm up at 4am with my mind going a million miles an hour analyzing everything, I just cannot stop myself from doing it. Thinking logically I know it's completely pointless- it probably just bounces right off him or even amuses him. It's just so, so hard 😦
Again, thank you for all the support ❤ ❤
Good morning Kat, Sweetie I’m truly sorry that you’re in such pain. Pretty much everyone on this site has experienced or is still experiencing what you’re going through right now. Me, myself am still going through it. From Saturday through Monday I was depressed, sad and crying ( of and on all day Monday). I have good friends who understand what I’m going through and who are supporting me through this. Yesterday was a great day for me… I worked, spoke with friends, laughed, enjoyed eating, just enjoyed life!!! Today will be great also!!! Baby, pray for yourself; ask God for strength and guidance. Explain to close friends and love ones what he is and what he’s done to you and tell them that you need their love and support. We love you… We are here for you. It’s been about a month for me and yes I was devastated!! But as each day passes and I realize he wasn’t who I fell in love with its getting better for me. I, too text and emailed him to let him know how much he’s hurt me, nasty emails telling him that he’s a sociopath and will get what’s coming to him… He replied to none!!! Neither will your sociopath!! Please stop!! You’re right, he’s probably amused at your messages. Try to stay busy, talk your feelings out with friends ( preferably over lunch or dinner). You will cry, cry and cry some more but gradually you will feel better. Remember we are ALWAYS here for you.
@Kat…Stop all contact now! I know it’s hard, but you are only fueling him. Leaving you devastated and knowing he has this power over you still feeds his sick mind!! I took the “No contact advice, and while I have my moments, I am well on my way to a better life. You can absolutely do it, too, believe me!!!
How are you doing today kat?
Thank you for all the replies ❤
It's just still so unbelievable to go from seeing this person as my everything to being this horrible, horrible monster who enjoyed every bit of suffering for years. My heart goes out so much to all of you who've had to feel this way too 😦
It seems like every day just gets worse and worse as it all sinks in and I spend hours going over all the lies, all the deception. I've been trying to spend as much time with my family, and it does help a bit. I don't really have any friends though because he completely isolated me and prevented me from having a normal social life. I've been taking a lot of xanax just to get through the day, which I know I shouldn't but the suicidal thoughts are so strong at times. I slept for a bit today and but only had a nightmare about him chasing me with a knife and trying to kill me.
I think what's killing me the most is everywhere I go, I'm reminded of him. Every street in toronto, every restaurant, every theatre, every mall, I've been to with him. No where can I go without remembering a time we were there and I felt happiness just to be with him. And some of the messages I saw that he was sending other girls was taking them to those exact same places. One of the girls even went to my university, and he wanted to take her to the restaurant right across campus that I showed him and went to only with him 😦 killer
The last time we met, he also told me that he promised he would pay my upcoming tuition for fall, which is 20k for the program I'm in, because apparently education is important to him. I'm so torn about what to do. I don't have that much money to pay for the tuition and I can't get enough student loans to cover it. Which means I need to keep some attachment to him for the new few months and hope that he'll cover it(which he might not even do, especially with the texts I've been sending), or cut off everything right now and be completely screwed when fall comes. I don't know what to do 😦
Hi kat
You are at the start of a long journey but you are already started
You were so young when this began for you, my heart goes out to you. My ex also kept me stuck in lies for 5 years and I caught him cheating at the end. It broke me, but I’m rebuilding
It makes me mad that this predator preyed on a young girl. He should be in jail 😦
Thank you Joelene ❤
Today was already a lot better. I actually showered, got ready, and had something to eat for breakfast :O lol, I never thought that would be an accomplishment but today it felt huge. I've opened up to more of the close people in my life, yesterday I even told my dad. It was really hard but he was so, so understanding and made me feel so loved and cared for. This morning I really realized just how much I underestimated my strength. He wanted to see me crash and burn, and I thought I would, but I didn't. I may be temporarily crushed but I feel like really soon I will rise from the ashes and finally become who I really am. It sounds kind of tacky but it's helping me a lot to think of how I'm shedding this layer off of me.
It's hard to be alone because I'm scared. I'm scared of finding my true self because I have no idea who the real Kat is. I adopted the identity of being a sociopath's toy, I took traits after him, looking back I even did some hurtful things to other people in my life because I wanted them to hurt like I did. All of that was never me. I'm excited but scared to discover myself.
I've stopped texting him and I've made some sort of peace in my head with him. I stopped trying to think of ways to get revenge. The best revenge is to forget about him and find happiness, something he'll never have. Screw him, screw his money, I don't need it. There's so much more to life than money. I even found out recently that the time when he was arrested, the police were already watching him because he had ties to drug, gun, and sex trafficking, which was where all the money came from. Can you imagine how happy it made him that even though he's doing all of this, and the police came into his house with tear gas bombs and searched everything, they could find NOTHING on him? Nothing to get him behind bars. He even laughed often with me about how the police had no idea about where the "real stuff" was. But he was smart- he never gave me anything that I could use against him. He's a sick, sick human being. But that's all in the past. I'm focusing on the future and all the things I can do now that I'm free 🙂 I can go make friends, join some clubs at school, I even reconnected with a few people who he isolated me from.
I'm not naive to think that every day will be this easy- I know there will be dark days. But I have so much optimism and hope, and a huge part of it is due to this site ❤ this site gave me the closure I'd never get from him. It made me see everything in black and white, thank you all so, so much.
Again, sorry for the long post, I just need to tell all this to people who understand. I know, I need a therapist, don't worry, I'm searching for one already 😛
My ex-sociopath’s soon to be ex- mother-in law called me today. I told her that he was a sociopath. I was so happy to tell her so that she can pass it along to her daughter, who has suffered from all the lies, cheating, dishonesty, etc. for 8 years!!! The mother said that she will google ” sociopath ” and send it to her daughter. She said her daughter is at the end of the line with him and is filing for divorce ASAP! Good for her!! I’m so glad that I could help her understand what he is. She’s a beautiful, kind and loving girl who like me deserves better. If I could help one of his victims then GREAT!!!!
After doing a ton of research, I strongly believe that I’m dealing with a sociopath in my life right now. Unlike most people on here, me and him were never romantically involved. I’m a 21 year old college student and I’ve known him since freshman year because he lived in my dorm. I was friends with his roommate, but they got into a huge fight that led to the roommate being kicked out of the dorm. The roommate told me that the Path was spreading lies about him making him out to seem crazy (like claiming that he pulled a knife on him, even though he didn’t) and to not trust the Path because he stole from the roommate and lied about it.
During my sophomore year, his girlfriend was my roommate. I witnessed him emotionally abuse her and cheat on her on more than one occasion and he never showed remorse for any of it. I can’t recall ever hearing him say “I love you” to her, even if she said it. He also went out of his way to belittle me, my (now ex) boyfriend, and even the guests in our apartment. He never seemed to have any real friends. He ran his own business and his “friends” always seemed more like business associates that he could use to his advantage before throwing them away. A lot of these “friends” actually left him because they got fed up with his bullsh!t. He would then make himself out to be the victim and say lies about them. He harassed me on more than on occasion via texts from fake phone numbers. This harassment, as well as the belittling that he did in person, led me to feel extremely uncomfortable in my own apartment. It got to the point where I loved it when Mondays-Wednesdays came around because it meant that he would be out of the apartment (he loved to freeload on the weekends because our apartment was within walking distance to our city’s party strip).
During this time period, I was being treated for anxiety and bipolar disorder and saw a therapist regularly. He knew about this and used it to his advantage. He would claim that I was “faking having bipolar disorder” and tell people that I was “crazy”. He made up lies about me like saying that I pulled a knife on my (now ex) boyfriend and that I waterboarded his freshman year roommate (even though HE was the one who waterboarded the roommate “as a joke” and I was just a witness to the event). All of this did drive me crazy, or at least, it made me feel crazy. Eventually, I yelled at him for putting me through all of this bullsh!t and causing me to be uncomfortable in my own apartment. He, of course, showed no remorse and just casually responded with “oh well”. His girlfriend didn’t say anything to him about how horrible he was because she had absolutely no backbone. She never even stood up for herself. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. As soon as I was out of the apartment, I wanted nothing to do with him and I cut off all contact with him. I blocked him on Facebook with the full intent of never seeing him again.
When the next school year started, my efforts to ignore and avoid him seemed to be working. One day in September, my (now ex) boyfriend and I went out to dinner with his girlfriend (who I really wouldn’t have an issue with if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s dating him) and, of course, he came along even though neither of us wanted him to be there. He had a sour attitude throughout the whole dinner like he always does and continued with the belittling. I have not spoken to him since this night and during that night, I had no intentions of speaking to him ever again.
Fast forward to 5 months later. I was finally happy with my life. I had found a major that I loved. I was in a sorority and had just gotten my first little sister after a year of being involved in the organization. My ex and I broke up and I was seeing a guy who made me genuinely happy. I was making good grades and good friends. I found out that I had actually been misdiagnosed as bipolar and was getting the proper treatment for the disorder that I really had and the treatment was working wonders. For the first time, everything seemed to be falling into place. One day, I came home from the library and there was a cop waiting for me. The cop told me that I had apparently sent inappropriate text messages regarding another girl in my sorority and that these messages led for her to feel threatened. Naturally, I got in trouble with the organization even though I was shown screenshots of the texts and I knew that I hadn’t sent them. My number was attached to the screenshots, but it’s relatively easy to create fake screenshots using an iPhone. I confronted my ex, who told me that back in October, the Path admitted to him that he created fake text messages to make it look like I was saying hateful things about this girl and my ex thought that he was behind these new messages. I told this to the people in charge of my sorority and I even provided them with my phone records, but it wasn’t enough to get me out of trouble. Due to organization policy, the chapter had to vote on whether I should be able to keep my membership or not. Because the girl, let’s call her Jane, had already told people about the text messages, the votes were completely biased against me. I pleaded my case and presented my evidence, yet the chapter still voted me out. Due to these fake text messages, I lost my home, my support system, and even some of my “friends”.
Apparently, me losing my membership in an organization that I loved wasn’t enough for Jane, because she then filed a complaint with the school. So now, not only were the cops investigating my case, but the school was. The investigation is still going on and I need to provide my phone records to the school. My ex decided to reveal that on the day that I first got questioned by the cops, the Path showed up at his house earlier that day and asked to use his phone to text friends about “business stuff”. My ex and the Path are not friends, but my ex isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, so he let him use the phone. The Path used it for about and hour and when he gave it back, he had erased any messages that he had sent. I strongly believe that the Path is behind these messages and somehow made it look like I was involved using my ex’s phone and another phone to create the texts. This whole situation has caused me to become extremely depressed and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. If the police or the school questions the Path, he’ll most certainly lie about it because that’s just what he does. He uses manipulation to his advantage and is extremely arrogant (for example, he’ll brag about how great he is and how great his business is, even though his business is actually a flop).
My biggest fear is that even if I get cleared in this investigation, they won’t have sufficient proof that the Path did it (considering they can’t prove that he used my ex’s phone). If they don’t have enough proof that the Path did it, then they can’t press criminal charges against him and all of this will go unpunished. I’m terrified that if this happens, he’ll act again only it’ll be even worse. It might not be text messages, but maybe even impostering me online. Or maybe he’ll go as far as to frame me for something else, like a crime. I’m literally traumatized and terrified. I no longer feel safe on my college campus. This Path seems hell bent on destroying my life for no reason other than his own sick pleasure. I’m coming here because I really want a support system and some closure. I want others who have gone through similar things to give me advice and support on how to deal with this. My life feels like it’s in shambles and what little things I do have left are only hanging on by a thread. I can’t take it. Somebody please help. 😦
Hollander ! Oh My Gosh ! You got problems! Is there a great criminal lawyer you would be able to consult with and possibly hire?
Is there an open minded great school counselor who has experience w/ socio/psychopaths? What is it about you , this guy wants you ruined ?! Jealousy? Maybe u enlightened his gf related to the Poison that he actually is .did you expose his bad behavior for what it is ? Good, Good that u did .A noble thing ! Now, you are experiencing the sociopath wrath !!!. of course you filed complaints with campus police and city police dpt u implied ..This is seriously the worst of character assasination! This guy’s profile will most likely fit the crime . His reputation and history shows it! Of course he will lie! (Is a bluebird blue?) But there are detectives who work with these coward bullies ! The weak little babies use the same script / same patterns, a never ending visoous cycle repeating itself for their lack of grownup man balls .. this asshole’s code can be cracked !!! What about witnesses to his past abuse/ misuse of others . You deserve Justice . These paths have no concience.No heart – an empty soul who are parasites that must find many host to feed off of ; Do not allow this little boy to intimidate you ! He’s just mad bc you got better toys !! Example : looks ,goals , intelligence, personality , friends, family ; Don’t give Him any reaction . No reaction to these slimy creatures is best . He wants to see you squirm . Be the self confident woman you are and practice assertion . Body language ,tactics etc. If you remain calm and confident , you give him no drama .Drama is on their Fave List; pathological lies is Dramas Twin Demon !!! Holland Eve , he doesn’t have your maturity ! You are a winner ! Sending blessings and light! You are on a great site & positivia girl is Fabulous with the psychology & issue solving ! Maybe conseling sessions w/her to get your MOJO ignited ! Hold your head up high as you always do !
@positivagirl YES he should be in jail!!! She was a child!!! Not only did he prey on her HE HAS DAMAGED HER EMOTIONALLY!! Oh I truly hope he gets his!!!!
Kat… WOW!!! To be so young you are very intelligent and enlightened!!! I’m so proud of you!!! Yes, there will be dark, sad days ahead… I’m old enough to be your mother and have been out of my situation for over a month now and I still have those bad days. But you are aware that you have a journey ahead of you is a great start!! I’m so happy to hear that you have support, lean on them and let them know when you’re having a bad day. You will be ok, then one day you will be happy even!!! Love you 😘
Kat
Things that have helped me:
Play list of strong break up songs
Reading books- narcissists, social, abandonment recovery,rejection recovery
Exercise every day (a work in progress)
Meditation every day (as above)
Here every day
New hobbies (wip)
Keeping my hands busy at night so I don’t cyber stalk
List of his lies, cheating etc so o can stop putting him on a pedestal
Hey everybody ! Great tips Kat ! May I ask what is wip stand for ? The thing is for soon long I never had the energy to get out of bed some days . Now I’m at least going for walks . You all seem like very strong women . I have not been so strong & I will tell you why . I would not end contact … like Kat I was groomed to become totally dependant on him ; then after I was hooked he dropped me on a dime .. All I know until NC is implemented with no exceptions , the healing can’t begin ..Kat no matter how strong you feel ,regardless please remain NC ..This man is Satanic ! You are blessed to no longer be where you were .You are an amazing young woman . You, me and all the women here have a much brighter future ahead then where we have been! I recently ,prior to finding this site have gone thr. Trauma therapy . And I was told I had developed a trauma bond w/ my ex husband who is a sociopath… the whirlwind relationship was a living nightmare . I can not believe what I have walked through and I was there ! Even after we divorced , which was over w years ago ,I continued a relationship with him . Can’t do nothing about hindsite .now I am embarrassed ,ashamed of what this man has done to my reputation and credibility . The appalling ,soul shattering things he has done are unspeakable .. more later ..btw..I am from USA .. everyone else UK , Australia , I am curious .. it’s 9 pm where I live .so night night .
Thank you all so much 🙂 and thank you Joelene for the tips! You are all such amazing and strong women for being able to open your eyes and openly talk about your experiences on an online forum- helping others.
Last night was kinda hard. I’ve been on an antidepressant for months now, and in this time it’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s definitely helped me survive this thing and cope, but the downside is it tends to release the bad thoughts at night in extremely vivid dreams. Last night I actually slept all through the night but it was just dream after dream about him doing really bad things to me.
Another thing that’s been hard to accept is that I gave him my body completely. I feel so much disgust knowing that a pedophile sociopath had me wrapped around his finger in bed too. I feel violated and ashamed 😦 anything even related to sex triggers me and makes me cringe right now. How I wish there existed a tool that could just wipe your memory clean of some things 😦
Kat… I often feel the same way. I often wish my memory of him and our time together could be erased!!! I think of him everyday and still feel the sadness of what I thought we had. I still miss him but it’s getting better. It will get better and yes he was disgusting to take advantage of you like that.
Hi kat, am pleased you are still with us. Have you heard of ptsd? http://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/ptsd-test/ it’s an easy test. See how you score. I have had severe ptsd. I find it hard to explain. What you are describing sounds like nightmares and flashbacks. I think you could benefit from additional support from a professional. I want to tell you that ptsd is a normal reaction from a very abnormal event. You have been through a lot. I am sure we can all appreciate your age, how vulnerable you were and have empathy for you. I wish you were in my city as I know of a service that would be perfect locally. Have you talked to your doctor about what had happened? Can you do the test and see how you score?
@Kat…the dreams are your mind’s way of processing all you’ve been through. Both my son and I, and I imagine plenty of people on here, have experienced the seemingly endless loop of dreams. I started visualizing myself telling him to get out, or pushing him away…taking some sort of control. That started to show up in my dreams after awhile! My son had a dream and he said he wanted to hit my ex-SP and wasn’t sure he was allowed to…I told him next time he had a dream like that he had my permission to do whatever he needed to make him go away…
As you start dealing with things, the dreams become less and less frequent, but even now, I still have them occasionally.
Dear Kat, I know how you feel about your body being intimately touched by him. I was in a 5 year relationship with a SP (currently 2 weeks since he discarded me – for the last time!-and almost 1 week NC) and I had to stop all intimacy with him since Valentine’s Day last year. All this time I have told him it is how I feel about myself with someone I don’t believe loves me and he has abandoned me so many times, I told myself “never again until I feel it is real”. We were supposed to work on our relationship and I needed love and security.
He never gave me it and now he is gone (again). I have not been intimate for over a year and I feel now like I never will let anyone near me again. My heart is so fragile and lonely and I have been needing to be loved for so long. It makes me literally sick to think of being intimate again with anyone and I have no idea if this will change for me or not.
You are so young and I hope that you can heal and allow yourself to be loved again by the right person. I would never wish these feelings I have on anyone else with a heart and I hate to see someone so young having been treated the way you have.
This website has been life-saving for me. 2 weeks ago I was feeling like all I wanted to do was pay my bills and then slip away into the night to sit on the train tracks and wait for all the pain to go away.
I don’t feel like that right now. I feel like getting strong and living life, even if it means I am asexual now.
Sending my love to every one here, thanking you all for sharing your stories, thanking again Positivagirl (I’ve thanked you in email too)…you have helped me and so many others. Thank you! 💗
Thank you Freyja, I’m sorry it happened to you too 😦 I also feel sick to think of ever being intimate again. How they get into our heads without us even questioning the authenticity of their love and affection…
I’m glad you don’t feel that way anymore. When I think like that I just remember that harming myself is letting him win and dammit he doesn’t deserve to! There is so much love and joy in the world that you can finally feel when you open your eyes, it comes in waves for me ever since the day I found out 🙂
I did the quiz- I did score 13 (site says many symptoms of ptsd), but I’m hoping that these will all go away with a bit more time… he’s dragged me through a lot of pain over the past few years, and I think with each breakdown I had in the past I already grew so much stronger. Maybe these symptoms will get better with a few more weeks?
The paranoia today was bad. Everywhere I go I’m just waiting for him to come out and scare me. Every thing that seems off is convincing me that he’s messing with my head but I don’t know what’s real or not. I like to think I’m a logical person and I’m trying to believe that it would be extremely unlikely that he’s doing what I think he’s doing but how do I know? I know nothing about this man… For example I took a video yesterday on my phone and when I went to find it to show my sister- it wasn’t there. Did I even take it? Does he have control of the phone? I mean he never touched it, never knew my passcode or anything…And just now I was watching a youtube video about psychopaths when the page just reloaded by itself but instead of youtube it showed an error in loading my email?! This has never happened to me before- was it just a fluke or is it him? Again, he never had access to my laptop… I thought of throwing everything out and getting new devices but if he was able to somehow access them before, I doubt it’d be hard for him to do it again. I just don’t know 😦 he was pretty terrible with electronics (or so me made me believe at least)..
I’m not very close with my doctor but I did have a therapist a few years ago and I emailed him yesterday asking for a recommendation for someone (since he only works with teenagers at a public clinic). However I did get tested for anything he might’ve given me and thankfully it was clear. I actually had a fairly benign sti a few months ago but I kept wondering how on earth I got it, and he convinced me that it was a false positive. Lol. Thank god it wasn’t worse!
Well done to you for emailing your previous therapist who has experience working with young people kat. You sound so brave and you are making steps in the right direction. I want you to know that what you describe as feeling. I have felt the same way. He really messed with my mind and I have needed to get professional help myself. I remember when I split with my ex I really did question whether he was good or bad guy I was so confused and my head was so messed up. Am pleased that you are reaching out to us. Please know you are not alone. I understand what you are saying you feel. As I am sure many others do here too.
Dear Kat – I was horrified to hear your experience. I admire so much the way you are fighting to erase this man from your life and build yourself again. You will do it – with help and with time. Of course you trusted him and believed him, with such an age difference – I don’t suppose any of us at 16 would question a man of 50. It makes me go cold to think that he should use you like that. It is astonishing that so many traits in these SPs are identical – mine too claimed to be hopeless with technology, but he wasn’t. It was a cover for all the times he spent online when I was busy elsewhere. I think your experience with your email etc. is more obvious to you at the moment because you are tuned in to the malevolent effect he has had on your life. I feel the same often – that mine is influencing my life even from beyond the grave. It can be hard to separate events, because you realise that you have been manipulated and you fear that this is continuing. These monsters undermine everything – your trust in yourself and your self-knowledge. I have a daughter who is a little older than you, I have had plenty of life experience, and yet I too hardly know myself any more. Sometimes I feel as if I am outside looking in at myself and trying to understand who is the real me.
I am really glad that you have the strength to forge ahead with your life – there is so much out there for you to enjoy, and so much time in which to do it, you don’t have to rush at it all at once, fairy footsteps are enough! Thank goodness that there is access to information, otherwise we may never have realised that our experiences are not unique. Strength in numbers! Every day I think about the stories on this site, and it is a comfort to know that I’m not alone – but I am always surprised by the similarity of the experiences, it’s as if these men (mostly men) have been to a university to learn deception, manipulation and fraud to a high standard.
I also understand about problems with intimacy. I thought it was because I am so much older and feel that I’ve had my chances and should now forget about it, but it’s not as simple as that. I feel that I gave myself willingly and lovingly to a man and trust was part of that, but to him it was part of the game and strategy. It embarrasses me to think that he must have got a kick out of the power he had over me, every time I said “I love you” it must have felt like a victory to him. This is why lovemaking seems such a poor prospect, it is showing your vulnerability and if you’re not into the whole “sex is power” thing you can’t imagine being vulnerable ever again.
I’m sure this will change in time, some wonderful man will come along who loves animals and cares about the Earth and the people in it and will win your trust. Until then, we must all be free to love ourselves and feel the weight of our own value. Every Good Wish from Lana. X
Thank you so much ❤ The more stories I read the more it seems like all of us were dating the exact same man! How good it feels to have such wonderful and strong ladies relate to what I was going through 🙂 No one else gets it… I love my family for their support but they just can't understand something they haven't been through, and sometimes it feels like talking to a wall when I'm trying to open up. This site is the best thing that's happened to me.
I've realized that while we might feel like we've been played- who really won? We're all people who have the ability to FEEL, something the SP absolutely doesn't. We might be hurt and healing, but at the end we come out stronger and able to appreciate all the love and beauty in the world that much more. He'll never have that- he cannot be happy. I think back to how much the man used to drink- he drank a LOT. I mean way beyond what any normal person's body could tolerate. He drank himself to sleep every night. He could not get through the day without a drink. That's not happiness. So I think it's me, it's us, who win at the end.
I think every single person sharing their story on this site needs to stop and think about just how strong we all are. Today I thought about how many poor girls and women never found out that all along it was him who was crazy, not them. How many of them never found a site like this, or didn't have the ability to see through the act. And how many of them crashed and burned to the pleasure of the sociopath. We've all been through so freaking much and we're still here, still alive, and still able to open up and talk about it. I feel so much love and want to send it out to all of you ❤
Wow Kat!!! Are you sure you’re only 21??! You are so wise beyond your years!!! I’m so proud of you mama!!! As bad as you are hurting, I’m amazed that you have the compassion that you have for the rest of us here. You my dear are going to be just FINE!!!
Aww thank you Cindy! 🙂 Just trying to focus on all the positive things this experience showed me. I guess being around a sociopath in his fifties for 5 years robbed me of my youth, but it also matured me and made me stronger and smarter way quicker. It’s a trade off I suppose.
Every day gets better and better. The weather where I live has been beautiful and I’m excited to finally be able to get out of the house after winter. Another thing I’m grateful for- this didn’t happen at the beginning of winter. Canadian winters can be brutal and I don’t know how I would’ve coped with seasonal depression on top of everything!
I’m eating normally again, still have bad dreams but they’re getting a bit less intense. It’s really hard to concentrate but I’ve decided today to just power through as much of the homework I have piling up as I can. I worked SO hard this year to be a straight A student and I’m in the home stretch- no way I’m letting him take that away from me!
My sociopath ex-boyfriend was arrested for hitting me last year. The case became a DA reject. Since then, he sent emails to a guy I was dating, lying to him and saying I have area, he has sent me texts threatening to kill me, sent pictures of himself to me with a gun threatening to kill me and informed me that he had videotaped us having sex without my knowledge. To my horror, he sent me still shots of this. He is threatening to release the tape and kill me if I go to the police. I got a restraining order against him back in January and he violates it left and right. He texts me from different numbers calling me a “dirty whore” “slut” etc. Each time I report this to the police and nothing is done. I finally had to change my phone number. The last straw was when he found out where I work this week and served me with a small claims lawsuit where he seeks the money he paid for bail and attorney’s fees from when he got arrested for hitting me.I explained the situation to my job, told them I am a domestic violence survivor, and I got fired because my job felt that my ex would come hurt others in the office and they don’t want to be liable. He later called me from a spoofed number that same day and said that he had manufactured evidence against me for his case by spoofing my number. I am so afraid of him. I think he will end up killing me and I called the police in a hysterics asking for help and was told there was nothing they could do because I can’t prove it was him who is calling me. What am I supposed to do? He is succeeding in systematically ruining my life. I can’t take this much longer.
@ scared and alone
So sorry to hear your story. This is truly horrendous and I cannot believe the police are not listening to you. Firstly, have you any family/friends who can take you in, even if temporarily? Your personal safety is first and foremost here. Second, keep hassling the police until they take you seriously – breaching a restraining order or other injunction is a criminal offence. Get in touch with a domestic violence centre – these people will be able to provide additional support and help. Get a good attorney – ideally one who has experience of domestic violence/sociopathic partners. Finally, try not to let this individual bring you down – I know this is hard, but this is precisely what he wants. I hope today is a better day for you – there are lots of supportive people on here who will help you through this…
I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship that initially started out as a “Friend with benefits” fling, and after sometime I fell in love with him and he also showed “mutual love” I ended up getting pregnant not too long after this. Everything was going wonderfully. But as my pregnancy progressed he started becoming kind of mean and condisending, telling me I’m too emotional. Anyway, all throughout the pregnancy he claimed we needed breaks (example one) because my parents didn’t want to work while pregnant and that I’m immature for respecting my parents, or because that I wouldn’t go to some people’s TINY apartment that he was living with for Christmas. Basically he caused me a lot of stress. This isn’t even the worst of it. Just hours after I had our baby, he refused to sign the baby’s birth certificate because he somehow assumed I was sleeping around and wanted to wait for a DNA test for “a peace of mind” not only I felt unloved and humiliated hours after having the baby(with an emergency csection) he also did nothing to help or to show compassion. All.he did in the 5 day hospital stay was sleep while I was struggling to get around and in pain from the surgery. 3 months passed and he decides to find an apartment and it actually went pretty well for about five months and then he started declairing that I get a job, when he was making enough to support us. He never helped me at night with the baby, always lefte to take care.of him and clean the house and care for the baby. So I took off for a month because he made me feel like I’m worthless. I ended up going back almost exactly a month later. I had to leave two months later due to a bedbug issue. He started becoming distant, refused to come see me or his son even while he was staying with his sister right down the road from me so I told him I didn’t want to live with him any more. A few weeks later, I get a visit from DCF claiming that I was doing all these things. He completely denied the fact it was him when there were a couple things said only me and him knew. I never let him live it down but made the mistake of moving back in with him a second time. There was a period of no fightng or anything for two months, then it really started to get bad. He tolde to get a job, called me fat, called me a lazy piece of sh*t because I didn’t think the baby was ready to potty train at 18 months old. One day I woke up from taking a nap with the baby(I wasn’t “allowed” because only people with jobs are Allowed to nap)to a text that said he had a bad day and I apparently didn’t apply fast enough so he asked if I wanted to know and I said sorry what happened and be texted me back to stop “pretending” that I care about him. So something in me finally snapped. I almost instantly called my mom to get me and my son out of there. Didn’t tell him anything and took all I could and left. After that I go court threats, text messages not about his son, but why I walked out on him. Just last month he made plans to see his son(while I supervised) we waited the whole day just for him to blow off his 2 year old son. When I first left he insisted to pick him up last minute, I hesitated and that’s when the court threat happened. Refusing to believe he legally has no rights since he didn’t sign the BC. I let him take him but had his mother pick up my son who is practically a stranger. Was afraid to go with him. Next day he was brought back earlier than we planned, the mother said he slept all night and was good but he was brought back to me all distressed and he seemed scared. So I never allowed him to go back with them over night for his best interests. I never knew
The guy that was supposed to love me was this way and now I am not who I used to be. Im happy to be out of that crap but I feel odd and kind of lost…what should I do?
So if it wasn’t for my sister doing the “are you dating a sociopath” quiz this morning, I never would have stumbled across this website. I couldn’t have even told you the definition of the word “sociopath” until today and my god am I glad i’ve found this site.
Let me tell you a bit about me, I’m 24, I live in the UK and I met my ex boyfriend at work. We kept bumping into each other and finally we exchanged numbers. In the beginning he was charming and charismatic, he told me he’d take me to London for the weekend and that we’d see a show, I was swept off my feet by this guy. London never happened (lol) but I can now see it was all part of his plan for me to let my guard down and for him to take control. The first few times we went out, it was just average (I put him on such a pedestal when I used to think back) but in reality the first dates weren’t great. We went for drinks but he had to rush back to work etc. He’s a corporate lawyer so obviously his job is very demanding and he’s a workaholic and would always put work first. So many times he cancelled on plans last minute because he had to work late. Then he’d come running back to me apologising profusely and guilt tripping me so I wouldn’t be mad, it worked, I always said it was fine and I knew work came first. There was also a picture on my instagram of weight loss, he got really nasty about it even though it was taken 2 years before we’d met, he’d take control and make me feel ashamed for it and I deleted my account, he’d start arguments over the littlest things and make me feel like everything was my fault. There was one time I saw his PA had text him and I got a bit upset because I knew she liked him, and it ended up him crying and saying he felt like he let everyone down and it’d be me comforting him. He never showed me any sort of affection, all I wanted was to feel loved and wanted and for him to make effort in making me feel special which never happened. I told him numerous times but nothing ever changed despite him saying it would. I don’t know why I thought i’d be able to change what he was. I argued with my family and friends over him because they could all see him for what he actually was and I was blinded by lust. I thought I loved him but did I really? Did i just love the idea of him? On paper he was perfect and we did have nice times together, but when it was bad I was the most miserable and low I’ve ever been. He said some god awful things about my family last weekend and I was stupid enough to say I’d forgive him even though what he said was unforgivable and hurt me more than anyone could imagine. Anyway on Wednesday, he told me he loved me for the first time but that he wasn’t sure it would work between us, he said he feels guilty that i’m always miserable and sad. When in actual fact I think there’s someone else because he’s always online on Facebook and whatsapp (The paranoia drives you insane, I know it sounds crazy but you can’t help but check and obviously you can’t say anything because you’d been seen to be crazy). I blamed myself for months, I didn’t think I was good enough for him, I always had his back and stuck up for him, the reasons why he didn’t buy me christmas presents? Because he was too busy with work, the reasons he didn’t want to see me? because he had to work late? The reason I had to make all our plans? Because he was too busy, in actual fact it was all just because he wasn’t bothered. He never showed any enthusiasm in our relationship. I was the one begging for him on wednesday, begging him to not leave me. When deep down I knew it was a toxic relationship but he had this hold over me, he put me down so I never thought i’d do better.
Anyway I feel so relieved to be out of that relationship and know he can’t hurt me again. I doubt he’ll be in touch because picking girls up and dropping them seems to be his bag. It’s so sad because all I wanted to be was the best girlfriend, I went out of my way to show I cared and made him feel wanted and he just didn’t care, he took it for granted and used me, at one point he even apologised for taking me for granted and what BS that was. I’m free, and i’ve been surrounding myself with close friends and family, i’ve just booked a holiday with my best friend which I’m sure he’ll HATE when he finds out but we need to keep distracted and busy before the pain starts again. I’ve decided to put photos up of all the good times with friends and family, I need positivity around me and to remind me that he wasn’t everything.
We are all worth more and I really hope one day we all see that. Yes sure it hurts like a motherfuck*r but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I’ve been depressed and in hospital before for trying to overdose but this website has helped me see him for what he really is, a sociopath, a control freak, a manipulative and clever man. It will be a long long time before i will ever be able to trust a male again (if ever) but this relationship was toxic and even though 6 months too late, I finally see it for what it is.
It will be okay in the end and we will all heal. Just stay strong and if you get the urge to text, read some of the forum, that’s really helped me today. Yes I’m livid, I have so much rage inside of me but he’s not worth it, even if I did something I wouldn’t get any sort of reaction and I just want to forget him and move on now, he isn’t worth the time or energy.
Stay strong ladies, we are worth so much more than being a victim of a sociopath. xxx
Hi Clauris, welcome to the site! 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, feeling angry is normal, let it out. It is better out than in, just don’t contact him and tell him 🙂
Clauris… OMG, this is so similar to my story!!! These guys are all the same!!! I loved, cared, and was the best girlfriend I could be to this man!! He just didn’t care, but pretended to until the very end. I was crushed, I just couldn’t believe that someone would purposely mistreat and used someone who loved them for no reason. I’m much better and stronger now… But I was almost suicidal at first. Hang in there… No, these bastards aren’t worth it!!
I am so ashamed of myself – I went on Facebook last night (after having had loads to drink) and posted loads of comments about him and his behaviour towards me on a friend of his wall (loads of people will have seen what I put)..I have deleted these comments now but am so so worried about the possible ramifications of what I have done…I have been in such a state this morning with worry and depression that I had to call the Samaritans.. : (
Hey ashamed. Aragh the dreaded drink! ! Hey I have done this too!! And so regretted (well not wrote on his friends wall he didn’t have any of those) but I did get drunk and lash out on Facebook. You know he will use this to call you crazy. But likely he has called you crazy anyway. So no change there. I know you feel horrified today. Alcohol will make you feel worse. Lesson learned!!
So in yesterday’s post I said I doubt he’d be in touch, I woke up to a big text saying how terrible he feels and can’t stop thinking about it. Blah blah blah, he is just trying to regain control and I refuse to let him. I was up overthinking after I read the message but just focused on all the bad stuff.
Ugh…. you know just as you think you won’t hear from them again they hoover you up. Don’t get sucked in. If you do the same cycle will repeat. The outcome is always the same!!
I know, he said he can’t bring himself to drop the rest of my stuff at work and that he’s written a letter for me. I don’t want it, I don’t care what he has to say but this is all part of the manipulation, he wants to hold onto my stuff to keep me dangling because he thinks he has control still. He thinks I’ll be wondering what’s in this letter but I’m over it now, he can’t hurt me anymore.
Hi Ashamed
Yep I feel this way every 2 weeks when I break NC again, only to be ignored. Its slowly getting better, but yes as positive said, he will think you are crazy for him or just plain old crazy. Remember you are feeding his ego and his incredibly low view of you (ie he has the power over you). Head high, walk way.
G xx
Hey mate
Yeah I’m ok. As you and everyone says- its 2 steps forward and 1 3/4 back 🙂
I have these amazing moments of such happiness that this has finally ended! 4.5 years of treading on eggshells and knowing full well he was lying to me every day- it really was total hell he last 6 myths. I prayed every day that he would end it as I didn’t have the strength to!
Then he ended it, and I became even more obsessed than I was before.
BUT
I can see glimpses of blue sky, the peace I knew was there somewhere peaks hrough every now and then. Also I soooooo happy I haven’t got to text him all the time. He would get angry if I didn’t message him reasonably regularly, but then angry again if I messaged too much!! Not having to message at all is weird (part of my obsession now is this weird feeling of not having anything to do).. but gosh the peace of not feeling like I have to sneak my phone into meetings etc is bliss 🙂
So yes I can go ages of not texting and even get through whole hours of not thinking of him… but I seem to have bad days on Mondays, afternoons and Fridays…. don’t ask me why:)
So occasionally (maybe every 10 days), I’ll text him, he often responds curt but polite, but I end looking like … gee I dunno… a crazy ex !!!! UGH
So I heaved my list of things that helps (the list of lies, my strong song list, exercising), but I can see the link between me texting him and me feeling bad about myself (not exercising, eating badly…) so it clearly is about a seal esteem boost of some kind to me- that harks back to the first 18 myths of superpath romance!!
So the short answer is … getting there 🙂
G
Pleased you are getting there Joelene. I think you should do the 60 day challenge. This means you cannot make contact for 60 days. I don’t want you to be scared that he will forget about you, if you don’t make contact. This is 60 days to bring back focus and attention to you. Do you think you could do this? Download a quit smoking or anything app that would count your days for you. I think you would feel better at the end of the 60 days. I suspect you are scared to let go.
Thankyou my dear friend. I’m terrified of letting go… But why. I’m googling 60 day apps right now
ah just download a quit smoking app on your phone!! it will count the days for you
I can’t help feeling that speed of communication has been the finest thing for a sociopath. Hook you with a text, instantly. Too easy to reply instantly, when writing a letter might make you pause to think!
Does anyone else find that SPs are brilliant at communicating with the written word, or even over the phone, but talking face to face is always a let-down? When I was living separately from my SP I missed him so much when we spoke on the phone, but when I was in his company he irritated me beyond belief and I couldn’t wait to get away! This happened over and over again.
In the end the written word was his downfall – when I saw what he had written to other women, a different tone to each, being what they wanted, but basically the same rubbish.
I don’t think anyone should feel guilty about responding to a text or message – it is the way we are conditioned to respond. In the end you will become aware of the futility of it, and probably become bored.
I agree about alcohol – I went to a party on Saturday and chose not to drink, saying I had toothache and had taken painkillers. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable or out of control, I like to keep my wits about me if possible. It was strangely empowering, and I wasn’t tempted by the attentions of (married) men, I just felt closer to their wives. Yes, we’ve all done things we wished we hadn’t – we mustn’t be ashamed of emotion, it makes us better than those cold beings who do not care.
Lana x
Hello, I’ve recently realized I never told anyone even my close friends who remained even after the sociopath dropped me, all the details of what he had done and I’ve been coming here the last few weeks reading non stop trying to get some type of closure this blog has helped me in that. The sociopath that I got was a charismatic one and very good at manipulating me, I was in a time in my life where I was depressed and I didn’t really broadcast my feelings so at first the sociopath left me alone for the most part choosing to hang out with the people he introduced me to and other forms of supply for himself eventually he paid attention to me and appeared very emotionally mature and kind towards me which is all I wanted for over a year I was caught in the cycle of abuse and I haven’t had contact with him for another year but recently he’s been hanging around again. During the year with him he got me to move in because my friends were apparently bad for me ect so I lost my independence and had to move back in with my parents after everything was said and done, I lost my job at the time over $300 that I was promised would be paid back to me (lies lies lies) and I held onto his promises of being in a relationship he only let his mask slip once when he yelled at me for being too attached and how I should get over it. As recently as this past weekend in still meeting people in our town that he has screwed over. I ignored my feelings and everything else once he dropped me I greived but that was it that was the extent of my healing I basically pretended the year I spent with him didn’t happen but I think that was unhealthy because here I am studying sociopaths still not quite letting go
James – I think we all understand how hard it is to let go of the Sociopathic influence in your life. Don’t feel guilty about it – they have a way of getting under your skin, altering your attitude and ultimately leaving you reeling in disbelief. You just can’t understand how it all happened, why one minute you felt safe and loved and the next minute you realised you were part of a game or strategy, and couldn’t separate truth from lies. The need to understand is very strong, part of the letting go and moving forward. Someone asked me today why I keep the emails from my dead SP. I never thought about it before, but I said it was because it helps me to see how he manipulated me from the start. I do refer to them when I’m feeling low, it helps to form a picture of how he engineered the life he wanted through me. I’m guessing that your craving for knowledge is the same thing – you want to read and read to find the similarities in a bid to understand how you have been messed with.
I hope that you find a more deserving love in your life, and can learn to put aside the destructive influence of the sociopath. Best Wishes, Lana.
I hate how the sociopaths have no clue how evil they really are. Don’t you just feel like grabbing them and shaking them and trying to knock some sense into their brains? Today the sociopath texted me asking for my banking details to apparently help with my tuition (doubt that’s really gonna happen). For a second I thought maybe I misjudged him, maybe he actually has a tiny bit of humanity buried deep? Then his texts got nasty when I gave him the cold shoulder, telling me how he wants to hurry up the process and be finished with me sooner. I LOVE how in his brain, I’m to blame for this. Yes, he was deceiving me and having sex with TONS of other girls, lying to me, but it’s MY fault because I was MEAN TO HIM. It’s always someone’s else’s fault, never his. How could someone who is so intelligent, be so stupid?! I think he was just lonely and wanted to see how bad I was yearning for him and was really disappointed that I was ok. He even tried dangling the tuition in front of me, playing more mind games, so I stopped replying. I really wish he could just walk into oncoming traffic and disappear from my life
It’s funny not only how much they ( sociopaths ) are alike but so are we… I told my ex to please drive into high speed ongoing traffic and kill himself. I was so hurt at the time. We go through so many emotions!! I’ve been through extreme hurt, anger, sadness, numbness, forgiveness. I think I’m moving forward because I’ve stayed in forgiveness and having pity for him. I’m in a place where I honestly feel sorry for him. I pray that he gets his life together… I pray that one day he will truly understand how his actions hurt women and how devastated we are…. I pray that he doesn’t pick the wrong woman and they severely hurt or kill him. I pray for myself daily, but I am strong enough Ti also pray for him because he is sick.
That’s so strong of you Cindy. I feel the same way- half of me wants him to die a slow and painful death but then the other half feels sorry for the small, empty shell of a man that he is. So, so frustrating trying to communicate with or understand someone who is so completely different from us.
I hear you kat – I am so full of hate and revenge today it’s nearly driving me nuts! I know he has his new gf in tow and they are happily posting left right send centre on Facebook!! All the stuff he said was so beneath him! It’s hard to Se them doing the same things he did such me. I kniw he’s lying to her about me, about his online dating etc, but he has told her the truth about many things he used to lie to me about for 5 years!!!
It tortures me!
Does this mean he loves her more or sees a real future with her and never with me? Does he think so little of me that I was so easy to lie to and throw away!! But not her…yet?
Anyway I know this is irrational but it’s just so hard
Welcome James
It’s the bloody pits! The worst thing in the world – I was so tricked and lied to. It was 18mths of perfection, then a few lies became clear and it started to crumble. I suffered extreme stress, obsession, depression, anxiety. Then 3 years later it finally collapsed totally in a Web of lies, deceipt, betrayal and I feel dehumanised!!
I’m slowly getting back but I struggle big time!
I’m hurting today and it’s my own fault… A co-worker and friend saw my ex on Monday. They were co-workers and buddies for years, so they chatted. Sociopath lied and said he’s good, he’s working ( he was forced to resign from our job for being dishonest ). The mutual friend know everything that has happened with us. Anyway, knowing that he saw him prompted me to email him… NO REPLY!! I don’t want him back and know that he’s no good for me, it just hurts to know that he doesn’t want any contact with me. I will not contact anymore. We’ve broken up many times before but he’s never ignored me like this. I guess he never cared about me and has completely moved on like I never existed. It’s a bad day but tomorrow I should be ok. I’ve never met someone who could turn on you and be so cold after you’ve been so kind and caring toward them. My mind understands what he is, but my heart remembers the person that I was madly in love with.
He’s trying to punish you and, by doing so, keep you on the hook. It’s all designed to control you. Mine has done exactly the same and I’m to the point now where I do not give a rats behind. I’ve turned the tables because I don’t want to hear from or see him ever again. My choice, my terms. You can do the same. The man is worthless but you aren’t . Hang in there, the first hundred years of your life will be the hardest. Seriously, you deserve better than he will ever give you.
I know… Like I said its my own fault. I know better. I have great support- my co-workers rallied around me today and they talked it through with me. They knew him and despise him for what he did to me. I’m better now, and I’m going to work out when I get home. Thanks Ladies…. You guys are AWESOME!!!
You’re the awesome one. You danced with the devil and you survived…and you have a great life ahead of you.
Awww…. Thanks Julie!!!
Yeah it is are to understand how these people can be so cold after being so loving. That’s just not how we are programmed. Just so much hatred towards us when they turn on us and yet we continue to love them. Just take one day at a time. Ask your friends that, if they see him, don’t tell you. You don’t need to know. Also request that they don’t say anything about you to him. This is all part of the healing process. Stay strong. I’ve gone over a year with no contact with my sociopath and getting to a point where it is days before I think of what he did to me. Recovery is very slow and it took a lot of time and effort on myself to get to this point. Have a good, supportive network around you is crucial. Also look for a hobby or something that will help you get your mind of it. Also vent. Vent as much as you want. It is always better to get it out then to bottle it all up.
Dating a Sociopath 
Thank you Ladies. It’s a daily struggle.
One day at a time cindy!
Today is a horrible day… I haven’t felt this bad in a while 😔. I didn’t sleep well ( I woke up every few hours) and thought about how he used me while acting like and saying he cared about me. I’m between crying and wishing something really terrible happens to him and he suffers!!! I hate feeling like this!! I want to be happy again… I hate that he’s causing me to feel this way!!!
You are healing cindy. I know this is hurting. You are getting toxins of him out. You might feel a bit bi polar as you swing from tears to anger and hating him. This is normal too as his behaviour towards you was very dual in nature. I know that today is a bad day. Do something nice for you. Take it one day at a time and take care of you!!
Today was a little better. I went to the nail salon to get a manicure and pedicure… It was the highlight of my day. I laid in bed watching tv most of the day. I feel so tired and don’t feel like doing much. I hate that this is affecting me like this. What he did has taken my confidence, I hate that!! It takes an effort for me to do anything now days. I feel like I’m merely existing. I’m usually full of life!!
Hey cindy. Pleased that you had a better day. You should feel that the longer you are away the longer the spaces between bad days.
It sounds also that you might be depressed? Maybe see your doctor also to see If there is anything they can recommend to help.
I’m going through exactly the same Cindy – I had so many angry outbursts and tears in the first few weeks. You will gradually get better..
It actually wasn’t a better day. Yes, I think I might be depressed. I’m fighting it but I have almost no joy in life. I’m only slightly happy if I’m around people doing something… When I’m alone I think about him, what’s he’s done to me, that he doesn’t care. It makes me either angry or very hurt and sad. I feel like I’m going crazy and that I’ll never be happy again.
I understand how you feel. I cried ever single day between September and January. I cry fewer days now but I tend to feel blank inside or, angry to the point of fantasizing about his day of reckoning. One day he will be alone though probably not too miserable, he’ll be too old and fugly to get another victim. That to me would be justice. BTW, he’s already gained 100 pounds at least in a year. Must be all that happiness. Take care, you will feel better and one day you will meet an honest, decent man:) you deserve it.
Sent from my iPhone
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You will feel hollow inside for a time. After 7 months I can say I don’t cry every single day. I don’t think about loving him but I do desire to see justice. His latest pic indicates about 100 lbs of weight gain in about a year. Perhaps that is a sign that all is not as wonderful as he would have me and others believe. Seriously, I just want to forget I ever knew him. You will feel the same one day but it takes time. I wish you well. I am so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve it, no one does.
I know how you feel. I feel like I have lost the last 6 mths since he ended it. I’m obsessed and totally lost. I’ve cried my heart out, now I have these uncontrollable outbursts of rage. Never at him as I’m trying yo be nc,so it’s directed at my famiky and loved ones. But I get glimpses of peace. Every now and then I get moments of such relief that the daily torture of life with him is finally over. I never wanted him to leave but I know that he Waa lying to me, cheating on me and using me. It Waa eating at my soul every day.
So now, as the tears subside, I see tiny glimpses of the sheer relief that this game is over.
I have a long way to go and I’m trying to up my exercise to increase endorphins.
It’s a slow process but I promise well get there!!! Stay close, journal. Stay active, eat healthy.
We are healing together
Julie I’m at 6 mths and yes anger and revenge seem to consume me.
Thank you Ladies… At least I know that this process is to be expected and I’m not alone. Love you all for the support. I’m feeling the same way: hurt, anger and want him to hurt as much as he’s hurt me. Sometimes the pain is unbearable… I’ve had to go cry in the ladies room at work twice today!!! I’m so tired of feeling like this.
Has anyone ever contemplated suicide? I’m not right now, but I would do almost anything not to be this ball of crying, hurt, angry lifeless shell of my former self!!!! When he first confessed that he lied to me for months about not being able to spend quality time with me ” because he just didn’t want to”. It hurt so bad that I wanted to die!!!! I took sleeping pills and drank wine. Not necessarily to kill myself, but to go into a long deep sleep. I slept most of that day and the next day I felt better. I have a few very supportive friends and they are really trying to help but it’s when I’m alone that’s the worst!!!! Only God can get me through this…. I’m praying all the time!!!
I have been through absolute HELL!! but yet he goes on like everything is cotton candy, rainbows and puppies!! I was with him 7 years and have been knowing him almost 8 and I have absolutely NOTHING to prove that the relationship even existed. It was one big lie. I’m still hurting ,sad,depressed and CRYING ALL THE TIME. He’s out flaunting his new romance all over facebook..well, she is.They look so happy together and all I think is”maybe it is something wrong with me?” It cushes me to ask myself why he never ever considered trying to work things out between us? I have watched him jump from one relationship to the next and I just want to make it all go away, but I don’t know how…how to not think about it. It’s the worst at night when I’m all alone in my bed trying to fight off thoughts of him and her being together. It’s like I’m fighting a losing battle and I so desperately want to wave my white flag and SURRENDER.I am tired of crying ..I am tired of feeling numb when I am not crying,I’m tired of implementing No Contact and failing,I am tired of not being or feeling like the woman I was before I met him- I am angry at myself for not being able to pull myself out of this .I am angry that I am a weak, emotional mess.
How are you doing today sherrie?
Hi Sherrie… How are you today? I’m better, I hope you’re better too. It’s hard, but we can’t let them destroy us. I know you’re hurting, so am I. Prayer and my friends are what’s getting me through this difficult time in my life. The good news is that we have good days! Hold on to those good day and try to have more of them. Pray, pray and pray some more!!!! I hope you having good friends who care about you…. If so, reach out to them. Let them know that you need them. Initially my friends didn’t understand ” sociopath” nor did they believe it. They know him so when I sent them links to articles and list of character traits they got it. I’m praying for you. We will be ok… They can NOT destroy us!!!
Hi..how are you? I’m not doing so great today 😦 I tried to express how badly I am hurting to my ex last night and it was like talking with a brick wall. He just does not seem to understand what or how I feel, he apologized, but SERIOUSLY..what does saying “I’M SORRY” actually change? Nothing, not to mention that whenever he attempts to apologize; it seems like he’s apologizing to himself- I’m sorry I called you that Friday or I’m sorry that I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have? Um..that’s not apologizing SMH and then he just told me to get online and try to meet someone! I can’t believe how cold and callous he is to me..I DON’T KNOW WHY HE HATES ME-I find myself trying to figure out what to do next,when there’s truly nothing I can do..He places OTHER WOMEN on a pedestal, oh,but not me! He doesn’t care and it crushes me. He claims that he has changes or is working on changing to become a better man, but only for her.I do not think I will be able to get over this,thoughts of him being with her kills me. I don’t know how I got to this -or why?why do I deserve this..why? All I can figure out is that maybe God is mad at about something-there has to be a reason for this, I just wish I knew how to fix it, I can’t though. I can’t do anything to fix it. I wish I could just disappear because I truly believe that no one would care, I’m more than sure that he would jump for joy. I’m tired…just so exhausted.Nobody understands what I am going through, especially my dad, he calls me weak and maybe I am.
Hey sherrie you are not weak. How could you have withstood so much abuse if you were weak? He doesn’t put anyone on a pedestal he just fakes he does to win them to get what he wants from them. If you remember he did this to you too. But what he thinks isn’t worth anything…. but you are!! As for him working on being a better person, you know one I knew did that for years he always led me to believe he was about to make a full recovery. He wasn’t of course.
No you don’t deserve this pain. I know what you mean when you say “maybe God is mad at me” I did that and the whole “this must be karma” too. I was great at self blame. But kat THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT!!! You can’t fix it or him. Sociopaths can’t be fixed it is a personality disorder in the brain. Hardwired!!
You won’t always feel like this but you must stick to no contact. Each time you make contact like a quit smoker smoking just one cigarette. …. then it makes it hard all over again. Breaking no contact works the same way. You need to stick to it to heal. To recover.
Sending you a Tuesday hug!! Remember no contact !
Yes, I walked to the highway with the intent to walk out in front of a semi. I reconsidered and I’m glad I did. That man is not worth dying for and either is yours. Truth is, he would only use my suicide as a way to get sympathy for himself.
OMG YES you are like a LIGHT unto this blog Julie!! You are so right, can you imagine it? He would do exactly that, use it for pity play, and getting sympathy AND CAN YOU NOT NOW SEE HOW CRAZY SHE WAS AND HOW MUCH HE HAD TO COPE WITH …. oh god … yes.
Julie – I once did exactly the same. I was so hurt and angry when I found cards and photographs of other women that he had kept hidden in our home (my home, as he never contributed) he kept denying it even though I was waving them in his face! The frustration made me desperate, I ran straight to the main road and was going to fling myself under a lorry. He ran after me and grabbed me around the waist. The irony is, he said “you must really love me if you were so jealous that you wanted to die.” He was PLEASED! From that moment on I knew that he was not worth dying for, and he was not going to get the better of me. They mess with your head so much, twist everything to reflect their own narcissitic egos. YUK!
Hi Cindy,
Yes. In my 2nd year with my SP. I didn’t wait, I checked myself into a mental hospital because I was scared of myself and what I would do. The pain was so bad. I began taking sleeping pills just to sleep through instead of live through the pain. I spent 10 days in the hospital–I was scared more than any other time to go it, it was weird and different and I got away from him and it hurt, but it helped me avoid anything so drastic. But, I did go back to him when I got out (yep : ( ). I did not know he was an SP. I did not understand the manipulation that was going on, I just felt nuts–the back and forth pull and feeling majorly depressed and him adding on the put downs and insults between the sweet things.
I’m glad I checked myself in because I had the medications that I could’ve taken. I got a new counselor afterward (from a low-cost neighborhood clinic) and began going to her twice a week. I’d talk to her crying the whole hour for two years. Only now can I sometimes get through an hour of counseling without crying. What I’m saying is yes, I contemplated it. Got help to prevent it. Went back, but started educating myself and, after 5 years, I finally went NC on him. Almost a since then, I keep up the counseling once a week, haven’t broken NC and have a lot of healing to do, but if I can get through (no job, no kids, few friends left, Narc parents), you can too. Really, really, really.
I know group counseling for this topic would’ve helped me a lot, but oddly, I’m in a huge city and I couldn’t find this type of group and ended up on online support groups and watching YouTube videos to which I cried my eyes out. But doing so made me understand what this personality disorder is and how many other people are dealing with it. I hadn’t even known this type of person existed, let alone my own family members were very similar.
Please get outside help in any way you need to before it gets worse. We care about you and others cursed with meeting such toxic people. Hang in there.
Yes, these people can bring you utterly low and despairing. The people they prey on are good, kind, generous hearted people, that’s how they know they will get what they want. If you were a cynical, cold and selfish person they wouldn’t be able to make use of you. No wonder those of us who have been used can’t understand it – it is beyond our comprehension, we can’t imagine how someone could be so calculating and emotionless.
I can only speak for myself, but I know that I have always looked for the good in others, always trusted and always believed that I could see the best side. I used to trust my instincts, perhaps that was arrogance. I don’t any more. I feel safer alone.
Tonight there was an excellent documentary on the BBC (I’m in England) it was about domestic abuse. Two of the women in that programme had been beaten almost to death by their partners. The men were manipulative and lied barefaced in police interviews. One of them left foul and abusive messages to his estranged partner, more than a hundred times a day. And yet, those two women missed those men and could only think about how much they had once loved them. They couldn’t understand how they could hurt them so badly. They kept trying to find some good. When one man was convicted and jailed for 2 years, his partner was convulsed with grief and pain and talked about reconciliation. In the end, they all broke away from the abuse and vowed to live a new life, but I doubted it. I think they could well be reconciled.
It was revealing, because I know that the Police could not understand why I kept taking back my alcoholic SP – they clearly thought that I was mad. He wasn’t physically violent, but I think he could have been if pushed. Yesterday, I was in the place where I scattered his ashes in the sea, and I found myself longing for him. If he was alive I think he could still manipulate me.
So Cindy, Julie, Joelene and everyone – I understand your struggle, and I admire the strength that makes you question your own feelings. It is the first step on the road to healing. You are all good, kind and loving women, if you weren’t you would not feel this sorrow. But you all deserve better, and when you can love yourself properly you will attract better, truer love in return. No one should put up with abuse – physical, emotional or financial. These men are poison, and they want to inject that poison into your veins so that it becomes part of you. Don’t let them, you are worth far more. Stay strong lovely ladies, good wishes from Lana!
Beautiful words Lana thank you!!
Thank you. I just scheduled an appt. with a therapist. I’ve been crying all day… I feel sick.
Hey cindy how are you doing today? Am pleased that you made an appointment with a therapist.
Hi… I’m much better today. I’m working from home which is a blessing because I just couldn’t make it into the office today. My Therapist is going to call me today with an appt. In the meantime I have great friends who are rallying around me, calling to check in on me, praying for me. I have a friend who’s a Pastor, last night he told me to google ” soul ties” I did. OMG!!! It explains a lot!!! When we are intimate with these evil people we get a spiritual connection with them and their evil spirit. It’s why we can’t let them go. Knowledge is power!!! ( I almost didn’t write that because it’s a part of my ex- sp FB name) but it is!!! I’m understanding a lot of why I feel this way and I feel so much better today!! Thank you for checking on me@ positivagirl
Ah how good to hear that you are feeling better today. Yes good friends can be like angels huh? I love it when an old friend phones just to ask how you are? You are valued. 💖 what was it about the soul ties that you read that struck a chord?
Positivagirl I’ve read about ” soul ties” and it makes sense in my case. I used to ask him during sex ( and other times ) ” what are you doing to me”? He would say either ” I’m giving you great sex” or ” that’s my secret”. I often felt like I was under his spell… Not much else mattered except being with him. Today is a good day but usually I’m missing him, I still sometimes want him sexually. His evil spirit attached to me through sex… Jesus, what else can these people do us?! All of you should google ” soul ties”. It may make sense to you.
Yes and you can cut those chords as well. I wrote about this but also Google or youtube has some good videos on it too. Archangel Michael can help you.
@CindyT – please know that what you’re going through is normal. Your pain and feelings of rejection are okay and you will get through it and come out on the other side just fine. Allow yourself to be sad for the loss of the relationship and the man you wanted him to be. Mourn the ghost he left behind and grieve the man you loved. But, allow yourself to heal eventually. Know that he’s not a better man with her. They don’t change just because they’re with someone new. Facebook should be called Fakebook. It’s where everyone posts how happy and great their lives are. Even when they’re not. He’s the same person and he’ll do the same damage to all future relationships. Feel sorry for them because you know what’s going to happen to them and there’s nothing you can do to warn or save them because they wouldn’t believe you anyway. Take it one day at a time, but get a little better and stronger each day. It will happen.
@Lana Thanks for your words!
Kristine…. Sweetie thank you!!! Yes, I know enough to know that he will do the same thing to his new supply!!! That’s something I don’t concern myself with. I’m only concerned about my mental health and getting my happiness back. Yes, I struggle with understanding that the sweet, caring, handsome and attentive man that I fell in love with doesn’t exist, never did… But it’s hard because that’s who I love!!! Yes, I’m mourning the relationship… That guy could make me smile instantly with just a ” how’s your day going” text!!! I feel so empty without him now, but I know I will get over that one day. As fake as they are, unfortunately for us our love was real. The discard and ignoring just about killed me but it’s who he is in the end. Again thank you!!
Thankyou thankyou xx
Sadly I did and it’s the scariest most unlikely thing that’s ever crossed my mind
I felt suicidal in the immediate aftermath. I think it was because my reality had just disappeared, all those moments, feelings, were manufactured by him. There was no truth in anything I had know for 2 years, I was questioning every conversation we had. All those times he told me he was planning a future, but he was living a second life with someone else.
I was devastated, the person I trusted the most was a myth. I couldn’t function in the days after. But I realised how low I was and I reached out for help to friends and family and I went to see my daughter.
Even now, when I think back, the depth of my sadness still catches my breath, I still feel it with as much pain as I did then. But I am hoping that will change over time. Whenever I feel down, I remind my self that I had a lucky escape, that he wasn’t a prize. That I’m better off without that kind of ‘love’.
I haven’t touched base here in awhile, but I read everyone’s posts and I thought it was time to update on my journey…I left my SP on July 7, so it’s been 8 months. I discovered his affairs with multiple women while we were on vacation at his family’s lake house. The confrontation became physical, police were called and I ended up in an ambulance with a split lip, covered in bruises, all because the iPad was more important to him than I or my teenage son were, in that moment. His mother told police I was a liar, even though they were not present when the altercation happened. I got a ride to a car rental a half hour away, got my son home and moved out of my home in two days.
Fast forward eight months…I began NC as soon as I had the last of my things from him, blocked him from my and my son’s phone and from social media. I can’t stress enough that this is what you all MUST do! I attribute the place I am in now to removing him from my life completely. I felt what all of you are feeling, I still have bad days, but they are fewer and fewer. When I felt I was ready, I began dating and have met someone who is wonderful and kind and real. I still deal with the aftermath of what I went through, because while the new man is so great, he responds and moves at the pace of a normal man. We are taking our time getting to really know each other, which is good, but is way less exciting than the whirlwind that is the SP method of dating. So the moral of my story is this…for most of us in the healing process, no contact is key, taking the best care you can of yourself is key, and moving on and leaving the SP behind completely is the way to start life over! Remember this…the man you loved didn’t really exist…he was a facade…the monster you see now is real and you all deserve better than that in your lives!!!
Hi Susan thank you for your update. It is so good to know that you are in a better place and moving on with your life. I found the same dating someone who wasn’t a sociopath he wasn’t as intense. Normal people aren’t. It is good to hear that you are happy, healthy and moving forward with your life in a positive way.
Finding this website today may have saved my life. I died a little inside reading through all of signs of dating a SP and seeing that every, single, one of them applied and I didn’t see through his act.
I met him when I was 16, and he was 50. He was a married man who just wanted a mistress on the side. I was at a horrible place in my life, I was depressed, anxious, had no self esteem, no friends, running away from school, and my home life was just as bad. I was at such a vulnerable place in my life and it was the perfect moment for him to come scoop me up and feel like I had found my saviour. He gave me money, lots of it, he gave me a place to stay, made me feel like the most beautiful and special girl in the world. I think it’s easy to imagine how extreme my attachment was to him at this point. But then, a few months later, he was arrested for seeing me, his family found out, and I was devastated. He had conditions not to see me, but that didn’t stop him from keeping me reeled in. He had a disposable phone which he would use to send me texts a few times a week, and he kept me hooked. I spent a year in the worst depression of my life without him, developed an eating disorder, extreme suicidal thoughts, and used copious amounts of drugs to get by because I loved him so much and being without him was the end of the world. Eventually his charges were dismissed (16 is the legal age in Canada), and I started seeing him again around 17/18. The worst part was his wife never left him after finding out- she stayed with him and I realize now how badly he must’ve brainwashed her as well. They had a daughter my exact age-16, and she stayed…He had even hinted at wanting younger, much younger, and looking back I am fairly certain he was also a pedophile. For the next few years our relationship intensified. He was my drug. I wanted and needed to see him whenever he was free. He would give me lots of money, gifts, and he took priority over anything or anyone else. He paid my tuition, he paid for trips, the financial attachment to him was the worst. I always knew there was something wrong with him but I brushed it aside. I thought maybe he had some emotional problems but I never thought that the love he told me he felt for me was fake. This went on for years, until yesterday. I am now 21, and over the past year it was harder and harder to ignore his lies and discrepancies in his stories, and I even tried multiple times to leave but I just ended up coming right back. Yesterday, I found a backup phone in his car. After confronting him he just gave me more bogus lies, until I realized I knew the password and saw a glimpse of the messages before he snatched it out of my hand. It was very obviously he was seeing other girls. Eventually I found his account on a dating for pay type site and saw the messages that he was sending tons of other girls- the exact same messages he would send me every day 😦 It crushed me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much pain in my life. Everything I thought I knew about this man for 5 years, EVERYTHING, was a life. I was never special to him, I was never his true love. How many times I worried that I wasn’t the only one and he would look me in the eyes and assure me that he would never hurt me that way. I feel worthless. I feel like I wasn’t good enough that he had to go out and seek someone better. Where did I go wrong? He even kept telling me that the reason he went out looking for other girls was because I was being “mean” to him lately, that it was MY Fault. No remorse. Almost a smirk on his face as I was sitting there bawling my eyes out and falling apart.
But finding this website helped me tremendously. I think it’ll be a long road ahead of me- but I finally know that I never really knew this man at all. It was never ME, it was him all along. He called me crazy, told me that it was my fault, I was the overly paranoid one. And every second of it he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the pain that I was in. I never knew him at all. Today I feel like my life can finally begin. At 21, I can finally start my life over. I’ve completely neglected every other part of my life-family, friends- alienated myself from all of them, because I felt like he was the only one I needed. He was my rock. Today, I can finally be free.
Sorry for the long post, I just really wanted to share my story and thank you guys for this site. Seriously, this is such a huge help ❤
Hi kat,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us all. How brave you have been to have endured so much. My heart went out to you reading this story.
I so hope that you have people to support you? Or has he isolated you from everyone? I would think that you would benefit from additional professional support.
You have been through a horrible time. Your first experiences into the adult realm with a monster like this. I don’t usually use that word, but he is kat. There are so many support services out there. I wanted to ask if you are in touch with any support services for young people? As you say you are 21. One thing that you will need is to learn to trust again.
What has happened is NOT your fault kat! I am so sorry that this has happened to you.
Thank you so much positivagirl for your response, it means a lot to me. I am lucky to have my mom and my sister by me who have given me tremendous support, and I’m also trying to find some professional help as well. It’s so hard to ever imagine trusting a man again 😦 I still can’t believe what has happened in the past 24 hours and I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare… Everything that I thought I knew was shaken up and I’m so confused and disoriented. Today I felt like steering my car off a bridge as I was driving home, but I knew that I couldn’t give up. I can’t let him win. He doesn’t deserve it.
What hurts the most is that he gets to go on with his life as if nothing happened; no regret, no guilt, no sadness, nothing. He gets to continue seeing other girls just like me and living happily while he leaves behind the destruction he’s caused. He doesn’t have to go through what I’m going through and he doesn’t even have to care an ounce about it. I spent 5 years unknowingly with this unbelievably cruel monster and the only one who suffers is me. He gets to go home to his family, damage them even more, damage more teen girls, and I can’t even stop it. I can’t warn them, I can’t warn these poor innocent girls about the predator that he is and what he’s going to do to them 😦
Kat, you can’t be responsible for those girls. Even if you did want to tell them do you think that they would listen? What do you think he would say?
All you can do, is to take care of YOU. It can be done, I don’t want you thinking of driving off of a bridge, if you do feel like that, then get the number for your local suicide hotline, and just speak to someone. And/Or talk to those who are close to you. I know that where i live, there is a specific support agency offering specialist support, for people who have been ‘groomed’ just like you. As that is what he did Kat, he groomed you. It happens to a lot of young people, He took advantage of you. Ahead of you, will be a beautiful life Kat, marriage, happiness, children. No this horrible man does not deserve taking that from you. Please look to see what help there is in your area. Keep your world small right now, it will take time to heal and recover. This man brainwashed you for a considerable period of time. It does take time to recover from that. But it CAN be done. You can heal. YOU ARE very much deserving of love, real love. You are very much deserving of someone to value and treasure you, for you. He does NOT define your sense of worth. You are worthy.
Start by doing a google search, and look for support services for young people. I hope that there will be a specialist service in your area, like there is where I am. I think you are very brave to seek out the help, and to be so open about what you have been through.
Darling Kat, I recently came out of my destructive 7 year socio relationship and identify with a lot that you mentioned. I too found the second phone, the hundreds of dating site identities, and the exact messages (otherwise known as the formula) he would send to me – and I too am struggling with the fact that it was all untrue – and I am 43. I am a professional independent woman who has over 160 people report to me – and I got done like a baked dinner. Stay here and interact often with those who have been there and done that – and you will get through this. ((((Hugs)))
Thank you ladies so much ❤ I will definitely try to seek more support. Avaria, thank you for sharing your story with me, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. It means so much knowing that there are so many people who have gone through the exact same thing. I wish I could have just known he was a sociopath from earlier on- there were so many red flags…. but I guess it only makes us stronger going forward.
How long did you guys find it takes for the unbearable pain to stop? I am such a mess right now, I haven't slept and barely ate since I found out and I feel like throwing up constantly. I hate that he put me in this position- I have exams coming up and I haven't even begun studying for the tests I have this week. I want to be strong and not let it affect my life but it's so hard to read or concentrate when I feel like melting into a puddle of sadness.
Also, I know it's bad, but I can't stop sending him nasty messages 😦 He hasn't been replying, which is a good thing for me. But when I'm up at 4am with my mind going a million miles an hour analyzing everything, I just cannot stop myself from doing it. Thinking logically I know it's completely pointless- it probably just bounces right off him or even amuses him. It's just so, so hard 😦
Again, thank you for all the support ❤ ❤
Good morning Kat, Sweetie I’m truly sorry that you’re in such pain. Pretty much everyone on this site has experienced or is still experiencing what you’re going through right now. Me, myself am still going through it. From Saturday through Monday I was depressed, sad and crying ( of and on all day Monday). I have good friends who understand what I’m going through and who are supporting me through this. Yesterday was a great day for me… I worked, spoke with friends, laughed, enjoyed eating, just enjoyed life!!! Today will be great also!!! Baby, pray for yourself; ask God for strength and guidance. Explain to close friends and love ones what he is and what he’s done to you and tell them that you need their love and support. We love you… We are here for you. It’s been about a month for me and yes I was devastated!! But as each day passes and I realize he wasn’t who I fell in love with its getting better for me. I, too text and emailed him to let him know how much he’s hurt me, nasty emails telling him that he’s a sociopath and will get what’s coming to him… He replied to none!!! Neither will your sociopath!! Please stop!! You’re right, he’s probably amused at your messages. Try to stay busy, talk your feelings out with friends ( preferably over lunch or dinner). You will cry, cry and cry some more but gradually you will feel better. Remember we are ALWAYS here for you.
@Kat…Stop all contact now! I know it’s hard, but you are only fueling him. Leaving you devastated and knowing he has this power over you still feeds his sick mind!! I took the “No contact advice, and while I have my moments, I am well on my way to a better life. You can absolutely do it, too, believe me!!!
How are you doing today kat?
Thank you for all the replies ❤
It's just still so unbelievable to go from seeing this person as my everything to being this horrible, horrible monster who enjoyed every bit of suffering for years. My heart goes out so much to all of you who've had to feel this way too 😦
It seems like every day just gets worse and worse as it all sinks in and I spend hours going over all the lies, all the deception. I've been trying to spend as much time with my family, and it does help a bit. I don't really have any friends though because he completely isolated me and prevented me from having a normal social life. I've been taking a lot of xanax just to get through the day, which I know I shouldn't but the suicidal thoughts are so strong at times. I slept for a bit today and but only had a nightmare about him chasing me with a knife and trying to kill me.
I think what's killing me the most is everywhere I go, I'm reminded of him. Every street in toronto, every restaurant, every theatre, every mall, I've been to with him. No where can I go without remembering a time we were there and I felt happiness just to be with him. And some of the messages I saw that he was sending other girls was taking them to those exact same places. One of the girls even went to my university, and he wanted to take her to the restaurant right across campus that I showed him and went to only with him 😦 killer
The last time we met, he also told me that he promised he would pay my upcoming tuition for fall, which is 20k for the program I'm in, because apparently education is important to him. I'm so torn about what to do. I don't have that much money to pay for the tuition and I can't get enough student loans to cover it. Which means I need to keep some attachment to him for the new few months and hope that he'll cover it(which he might not even do, especially with the texts I've been sending), or cut off everything right now and be completely screwed when fall comes. I don't know what to do 😦
Hi kat
You are at the start of a long journey but you are already started
You were so young when this began for you, my heart goes out to you. My ex also kept me stuck in lies for 5 years and I caught him cheating at the end. It broke me, but I’m rebuilding
It makes me mad that this predator preyed on a young girl. He should be in jail 😦
Thank you Joelene ❤
Today was already a lot better. I actually showered, got ready, and had something to eat for breakfast :O lol, I never thought that would be an accomplishment but today it felt huge. I've opened up to more of the close people in my life, yesterday I even told my dad. It was really hard but he was so, so understanding and made me feel so loved and cared for. This morning I really realized just how much I underestimated my strength. He wanted to see me crash and burn, and I thought I would, but I didn't. I may be temporarily crushed but I feel like really soon I will rise from the ashes and finally become who I really am. It sounds kind of tacky but it's helping me a lot to think of how I'm shedding this layer off of me.
It's hard to be alone because I'm scared. I'm scared of finding my true self because I have no idea who the real Kat is. I adopted the identity of being a sociopath's toy, I took traits after him, looking back I even did some hurtful things to other people in my life because I wanted them to hurt like I did. All of that was never me. I'm excited but scared to discover myself.
I've stopped texting him and I've made some sort of peace in my head with him. I stopped trying to think of ways to get revenge. The best revenge is to forget about him and find happiness, something he'll never have. Screw him, screw his money, I don't need it. There's so much more to life than money. I even found out recently that the time when he was arrested, the police were already watching him because he had ties to drug, gun, and sex trafficking, which was where all the money came from. Can you imagine how happy it made him that even though he's doing all of this, and the police came into his house with tear gas bombs and searched everything, they could find NOTHING on him? Nothing to get him behind bars. He even laughed often with me about how the police had no idea about where the "real stuff" was. But he was smart- he never gave me anything that I could use against him. He's a sick, sick human being. But that's all in the past. I'm focusing on the future and all the things I can do now that I'm free 🙂 I can go make friends, join some clubs at school, I even reconnected with a few people who he isolated me from.
I'm not naive to think that every day will be this easy- I know there will be dark days. But I have so much optimism and hope, and a huge part of it is due to this site ❤ this site gave me the closure I'd never get from him. It made me see everything in black and white, thank you all so, so much.
Again, sorry for the long post, I just need to tell all this to people who understand. I know, I need a therapist, don't worry, I'm searching for one already 😛
My ex-sociopath’s soon to be ex- mother-in law called me today. I told her that he was a sociopath. I was so happy to tell her so that she can pass it along to her daughter, who has suffered from all the lies, cheating, dishonesty, etc. for 8 years!!! The mother said that she will google ” sociopath ” and send it to her daughter. She said her daughter is at the end of the line with him and is filing for divorce ASAP! Good for her!! I’m so glad that I could help her understand what he is. She’s a beautiful, kind and loving girl who like me deserves better. If I could help one of his victims then GREAT!!!!
After doing a ton of research, I strongly believe that I’m dealing with a sociopath in my life right now. Unlike most people on here, me and him were never romantically involved. I’m a 21 year old college student and I’ve known him since freshman year because he lived in my dorm. I was friends with his roommate, but they got into a huge fight that led to the roommate being kicked out of the dorm. The roommate told me that the Path was spreading lies about him making him out to seem crazy (like claiming that he pulled a knife on him, even though he didn’t) and to not trust the Path because he stole from the roommate and lied about it.
During my sophomore year, his girlfriend was my roommate. I witnessed him emotionally abuse her and cheat on her on more than one occasion and he never showed remorse for any of it. I can’t recall ever hearing him say “I love you” to her, even if she said it. He also went out of his way to belittle me, my (now ex) boyfriend, and even the guests in our apartment. He never seemed to have any real friends. He ran his own business and his “friends” always seemed more like business associates that he could use to his advantage before throwing them away. A lot of these “friends” actually left him because they got fed up with his bullsh!t. He would then make himself out to be the victim and say lies about them. He harassed me on more than on occasion via texts from fake phone numbers. This harassment, as well as the belittling that he did in person, led me to feel extremely uncomfortable in my own apartment. It got to the point where I loved it when Mondays-Wednesdays came around because it meant that he would be out of the apartment (he loved to freeload on the weekends because our apartment was within walking distance to our city’s party strip).
During this time period, I was being treated for anxiety and bipolar disorder and saw a therapist regularly. He knew about this and used it to his advantage. He would claim that I was “faking having bipolar disorder” and tell people that I was “crazy”. He made up lies about me like saying that I pulled a knife on my (now ex) boyfriend and that I waterboarded his freshman year roommate (even though HE was the one who waterboarded the roommate “as a joke” and I was just a witness to the event). All of this did drive me crazy, or at least, it made me feel crazy. Eventually, I yelled at him for putting me through all of this bullsh!t and causing me to be uncomfortable in my own apartment. He, of course, showed no remorse and just casually responded with “oh well”. His girlfriend didn’t say anything to him about how horrible he was because she had absolutely no backbone. She never even stood up for herself. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. As soon as I was out of the apartment, I wanted nothing to do with him and I cut off all contact with him. I blocked him on Facebook with the full intent of never seeing him again.
When the next school year started, my efforts to ignore and avoid him seemed to be working. One day in September, my (now ex) boyfriend and I went out to dinner with his girlfriend (who I really wouldn’t have an issue with if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s dating him) and, of course, he came along even though neither of us wanted him to be there. He had a sour attitude throughout the whole dinner like he always does and continued with the belittling. I have not spoken to him since this night and during that night, I had no intentions of speaking to him ever again.
Fast forward to 5 months later. I was finally happy with my life. I had found a major that I loved. I was in a sorority and had just gotten my first little sister after a year of being involved in the organization. My ex and I broke up and I was seeing a guy who made me genuinely happy. I was making good grades and good friends. I found out that I had actually been misdiagnosed as bipolar and was getting the proper treatment for the disorder that I really had and the treatment was working wonders. For the first time, everything seemed to be falling into place. One day, I came home from the library and there was a cop waiting for me. The cop told me that I had apparently sent inappropriate text messages regarding another girl in my sorority and that these messages led for her to feel threatened. Naturally, I got in trouble with the organization even though I was shown screenshots of the texts and I knew that I hadn’t sent them. My number was attached to the screenshots, but it’s relatively easy to create fake screenshots using an iPhone. I confronted my ex, who told me that back in October, the Path admitted to him that he created fake text messages to make it look like I was saying hateful things about this girl and my ex thought that he was behind these new messages. I told this to the people in charge of my sorority and I even provided them with my phone records, but it wasn’t enough to get me out of trouble. Due to organization policy, the chapter had to vote on whether I should be able to keep my membership or not. Because the girl, let’s call her Jane, had already told people about the text messages, the votes were completely biased against me. I pleaded my case and presented my evidence, yet the chapter still voted me out. Due to these fake text messages, I lost my home, my support system, and even some of my “friends”.
Apparently, me losing my membership in an organization that I loved wasn’t enough for Jane, because she then filed a complaint with the school. So now, not only were the cops investigating my case, but the school was. The investigation is still going on and I need to provide my phone records to the school. My ex decided to reveal that on the day that I first got questioned by the cops, the Path showed up at his house earlier that day and asked to use his phone to text friends about “business stuff”. My ex and the Path are not friends, but my ex isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, so he let him use the phone. The Path used it for about and hour and when he gave it back, he had erased any messages that he had sent. I strongly believe that the Path is behind these messages and somehow made it look like I was involved using my ex’s phone and another phone to create the texts. This whole situation has caused me to become extremely depressed and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. If the police or the school questions the Path, he’ll most certainly lie about it because that’s just what he does. He uses manipulation to his advantage and is extremely arrogant (for example, he’ll brag about how great he is and how great his business is, even though his business is actually a flop).
My biggest fear is that even if I get cleared in this investigation, they won’t have sufficient proof that the Path did it (considering they can’t prove that he used my ex’s phone). If they don’t have enough proof that the Path did it, then they can’t press criminal charges against him and all of this will go unpunished. I’m terrified that if this happens, he’ll act again only it’ll be even worse. It might not be text messages, but maybe even impostering me online. Or maybe he’ll go as far as to frame me for something else, like a crime. I’m literally traumatized and terrified. I no longer feel safe on my college campus. This Path seems hell bent on destroying my life for no reason other than his own sick pleasure. I’m coming here because I really want a support system and some closure. I want others who have gone through similar things to give me advice and support on how to deal with this. My life feels like it’s in shambles and what little things I do have left are only hanging on by a thread. I can’t take it. Somebody please help. 😦
Hollander ! Oh My Gosh ! You got problems! Is there a great criminal lawyer you would be able to consult with and possibly hire?
Is there an open minded great school counselor who has experience w/ socio/psychopaths? What is it about you , this guy wants you ruined ?! Jealousy? Maybe u enlightened his gf related to the Poison that he actually is .did you expose his bad behavior for what it is ? Good, Good that u did .A noble thing ! Now, you are experiencing the sociopath wrath !!!. of course you filed complaints with campus police and city police dpt u implied ..This is seriously the worst of character assasination! This guy’s profile will most likely fit the crime . His reputation and history shows it! Of course he will lie! (Is a bluebird blue?) But there are detectives who work with these coward bullies ! The weak little babies use the same script / same patterns, a never ending visoous cycle repeating itself for their lack of grownup man balls .. this asshole’s code can be cracked !!! What about witnesses to his past abuse/ misuse of others . You deserve Justice . These paths have no concience.No heart – an empty soul who are parasites that must find many host to feed off of ; Do not allow this little boy to intimidate you ! He’s just mad bc you got better toys !! Example : looks ,goals , intelligence, personality , friends, family ; Don’t give Him any reaction . No reaction to these slimy creatures is best . He wants to see you squirm . Be the self confident woman you are and practice assertion . Body language ,tactics etc. If you remain calm and confident , you give him no drama .Drama is on their Fave List; pathological lies is Dramas Twin Demon !!! Holland Eve , he doesn’t have your maturity ! You are a winner ! Sending blessings and light! You are on a great site & positivia girl is Fabulous with the psychology & issue solving ! Maybe conseling sessions w/her to get your MOJO ignited ! Hold your head up high as you always do !
@positivagirl YES he should be in jail!!! She was a child!!! Not only did he prey on her HE HAS DAMAGED HER EMOTIONALLY!! Oh I truly hope he gets his!!!!
Yes 😦
Kat… WOW!!! To be so young you are very intelligent and enlightened!!! I’m so proud of you!!! Yes, there will be dark, sad days ahead… I’m old enough to be your mother and have been out of my situation for over a month now and I still have those bad days. But you are aware that you have a journey ahead of you is a great start!! I’m so happy to hear that you have support, lean on them and let them know when you’re having a bad day. You will be ok, then one day you will be happy even!!! Love you 😘
Kat
Things that have helped me:
Play list of strong break up songs
Reading books- narcissists, social, abandonment recovery,rejection recovery
Exercise every day (a work in progress)
Meditation every day (as above)
Here every day
New hobbies (wip)
Keeping my hands busy at night so I don’t cyber stalk
List of his lies, cheating etc so o can stop putting him on a pedestal
Than you!
Jolene… Those are very helpful suggestions. Thanks. I already work out and have been reading as much as possible on narcs, sociopath and psychopaths.
Hey everybody ! Great tips Kat ! May I ask what is wip stand for ? The thing is for soon long I never had the energy to get out of bed some days . Now I’m at least going for walks . You all seem like very strong women . I have not been so strong & I will tell you why . I would not end contact … like Kat I was groomed to become totally dependant on him ; then after I was hooked he dropped me on a dime .. All I know until NC is implemented with no exceptions , the healing can’t begin ..Kat no matter how strong you feel ,regardless please remain NC ..This man is Satanic ! You are blessed to no longer be where you were .You are an amazing young woman . You, me and all the women here have a much brighter future ahead then where we have been! I recently ,prior to finding this site have gone thr. Trauma therapy . And I was told I had developed a trauma bond w/ my ex husband who is a sociopath… the whirlwind relationship was a living nightmare . I can not believe what I have walked through and I was there ! Even after we divorced , which was over w years ago ,I continued a relationship with him . Can’t do nothing about hindsite .now I am embarrassed ,ashamed of what this man has done to my reputation and credibility . The appalling ,soul shattering things he has done are unspeakable .. more later ..btw..I am from USA .. everyone else UK , Australia , I am curious .. it’s 9 pm where I live .so night night .
Thank you!
So sorry I meant great tips Jolene ! It’s been a long day ! Hahaha ! Anyway ,thanks Jolene!
No problem at all. Wip means work in progress
Thank you all so much 🙂 and thank you Joelene for the tips! You are all such amazing and strong women for being able to open your eyes and openly talk about your experiences on an online forum- helping others.
Last night was kinda hard. I’ve been on an antidepressant for months now, and in this time it’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s definitely helped me survive this thing and cope, but the downside is it tends to release the bad thoughts at night in extremely vivid dreams. Last night I actually slept all through the night but it was just dream after dream about him doing really bad things to me.
Another thing that’s been hard to accept is that I gave him my body completely. I feel so much disgust knowing that a pedophile sociopath had me wrapped around his finger in bed too. I feel violated and ashamed 😦 anything even related to sex triggers me and makes me cringe right now. How I wish there existed a tool that could just wipe your memory clean of some things 😦
Kat… I often feel the same way. I often wish my memory of him and our time together could be erased!!! I think of him everyday and still feel the sadness of what I thought we had. I still miss him but it’s getting better. It will get better and yes he was disgusting to take advantage of you like that.
Hi kat, am pleased you are still with us. Have you heard of ptsd? http://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/ptsd-test/ it’s an easy test. See how you score. I have had severe ptsd. I find it hard to explain. What you are describing sounds like nightmares and flashbacks. I think you could benefit from additional support from a professional. I want to tell you that ptsd is a normal reaction from a very abnormal event. You have been through a lot. I am sure we can all appreciate your age, how vulnerable you were and have empathy for you. I wish you were in my city as I know of a service that would be perfect locally. Have you talked to your doctor about what had happened? Can you do the test and see how you score?
@Kat…the dreams are your mind’s way of processing all you’ve been through. Both my son and I, and I imagine plenty of people on here, have experienced the seemingly endless loop of dreams. I started visualizing myself telling him to get out, or pushing him away…taking some sort of control. That started to show up in my dreams after awhile! My son had a dream and he said he wanted to hit my ex-SP and wasn’t sure he was allowed to…I told him next time he had a dream like that he had my permission to do whatever he needed to make him go away…
As you start dealing with things, the dreams become less and less frequent, but even now, I still have them occasionally.
Dear Kat, I know how you feel about your body being intimately touched by him. I was in a 5 year relationship with a SP (currently 2 weeks since he discarded me – for the last time!-and almost 1 week NC) and I had to stop all intimacy with him since Valentine’s Day last year. All this time I have told him it is how I feel about myself with someone I don’t believe loves me and he has abandoned me so many times, I told myself “never again until I feel it is real”. We were supposed to work on our relationship and I needed love and security.
He never gave me it and now he is gone (again). I have not been intimate for over a year and I feel now like I never will let anyone near me again. My heart is so fragile and lonely and I have been needing to be loved for so long. It makes me literally sick to think of being intimate again with anyone and I have no idea if this will change for me or not.
You are so young and I hope that you can heal and allow yourself to be loved again by the right person. I would never wish these feelings I have on anyone else with a heart and I hate to see someone so young having been treated the way you have.
This website has been life-saving for me. 2 weeks ago I was feeling like all I wanted to do was pay my bills and then slip away into the night to sit on the train tracks and wait for all the pain to go away.
I don’t feel like that right now. I feel like getting strong and living life, even if it means I am asexual now.
Sending my love to every one here, thanking you all for sharing your stories, thanking again Positivagirl (I’ve thanked you in email too)…you have helped me and so many others. Thank you! 💗
Thank you Freyja, I’m sorry it happened to you too 😦 I also feel sick to think of ever being intimate again. How they get into our heads without us even questioning the authenticity of their love and affection…
I’m glad you don’t feel that way anymore. When I think like that I just remember that harming myself is letting him win and dammit he doesn’t deserve to! There is so much love and joy in the world that you can finally feel when you open your eyes, it comes in waves for me ever since the day I found out 🙂
I did the quiz- I did score 13 (site says many symptoms of ptsd), but I’m hoping that these will all go away with a bit more time… he’s dragged me through a lot of pain over the past few years, and I think with each breakdown I had in the past I already grew so much stronger. Maybe these symptoms will get better with a few more weeks?
The paranoia today was bad. Everywhere I go I’m just waiting for him to come out and scare me. Every thing that seems off is convincing me that he’s messing with my head but I don’t know what’s real or not. I like to think I’m a logical person and I’m trying to believe that it would be extremely unlikely that he’s doing what I think he’s doing but how do I know? I know nothing about this man… For example I took a video yesterday on my phone and when I went to find it to show my sister- it wasn’t there. Did I even take it? Does he have control of the phone? I mean he never touched it, never knew my passcode or anything…And just now I was watching a youtube video about psychopaths when the page just reloaded by itself but instead of youtube it showed an error in loading my email?! This has never happened to me before- was it just a fluke or is it him? Again, he never had access to my laptop… I thought of throwing everything out and getting new devices but if he was able to somehow access them before, I doubt it’d be hard for him to do it again. I just don’t know 😦 he was pretty terrible with electronics (or so me made me believe at least)..
I’m not very close with my doctor but I did have a therapist a few years ago and I emailed him yesterday asking for a recommendation for someone (since he only works with teenagers at a public clinic). However I did get tested for anything he might’ve given me and thankfully it was clear. I actually had a fairly benign sti a few months ago but I kept wondering how on earth I got it, and he convinced me that it was a false positive. Lol. Thank god it wasn’t worse!
Well done to you for emailing your previous therapist who has experience working with young people kat. You sound so brave and you are making steps in the right direction. I want you to know that what you describe as feeling. I have felt the same way. He really messed with my mind and I have needed to get professional help myself. I remember when I split with my ex I really did question whether he was good or bad guy I was so confused and my head was so messed up. Am pleased that you are reaching out to us. Please know you are not alone. I understand what you are saying you feel. As I am sure many others do here too.
Dear Kat – I was horrified to hear your experience. I admire so much the way you are fighting to erase this man from your life and build yourself again. You will do it – with help and with time. Of course you trusted him and believed him, with such an age difference – I don’t suppose any of us at 16 would question a man of 50. It makes me go cold to think that he should use you like that. It is astonishing that so many traits in these SPs are identical – mine too claimed to be hopeless with technology, but he wasn’t. It was a cover for all the times he spent online when I was busy elsewhere. I think your experience with your email etc. is more obvious to you at the moment because you are tuned in to the malevolent effect he has had on your life. I feel the same often – that mine is influencing my life even from beyond the grave. It can be hard to separate events, because you realise that you have been manipulated and you fear that this is continuing. These monsters undermine everything – your trust in yourself and your self-knowledge. I have a daughter who is a little older than you, I have had plenty of life experience, and yet I too hardly know myself any more. Sometimes I feel as if I am outside looking in at myself and trying to understand who is the real me.
I am really glad that you have the strength to forge ahead with your life – there is so much out there for you to enjoy, and so much time in which to do it, you don’t have to rush at it all at once, fairy footsteps are enough! Thank goodness that there is access to information, otherwise we may never have realised that our experiences are not unique. Strength in numbers! Every day I think about the stories on this site, and it is a comfort to know that I’m not alone – but I am always surprised by the similarity of the experiences, it’s as if these men (mostly men) have been to a university to learn deception, manipulation and fraud to a high standard.
I also understand about problems with intimacy. I thought it was because I am so much older and feel that I’ve had my chances and should now forget about it, but it’s not as simple as that. I feel that I gave myself willingly and lovingly to a man and trust was part of that, but to him it was part of the game and strategy. It embarrasses me to think that he must have got a kick out of the power he had over me, every time I said “I love you” it must have felt like a victory to him. This is why lovemaking seems such a poor prospect, it is showing your vulnerability and if you’re not into the whole “sex is power” thing you can’t imagine being vulnerable ever again.
I’m sure this will change in time, some wonderful man will come along who loves animals and cares about the Earth and the people in it and will win your trust. Until then, we must all be free to love ourselves and feel the weight of our own value. Every Good Wish from Lana. X
💖💖
Thank you so much ❤ The more stories I read the more it seems like all of us were dating the exact same man! How good it feels to have such wonderful and strong ladies relate to what I was going through 🙂 No one else gets it… I love my family for their support but they just can't understand something they haven't been through, and sometimes it feels like talking to a wall when I'm trying to open up. This site is the best thing that's happened to me.
I've realized that while we might feel like we've been played- who really won? We're all people who have the ability to FEEL, something the SP absolutely doesn't. We might be hurt and healing, but at the end we come out stronger and able to appreciate all the love and beauty in the world that much more. He'll never have that- he cannot be happy. I think back to how much the man used to drink- he drank a LOT. I mean way beyond what any normal person's body could tolerate. He drank himself to sleep every night. He could not get through the day without a drink. That's not happiness. So I think it's me, it's us, who win at the end.
I think every single person sharing their story on this site needs to stop and think about just how strong we all are. Today I thought about how many poor girls and women never found out that all along it was him who was crazy, not them. How many of them never found a site like this, or didn't have the ability to see through the act. And how many of them crashed and burned to the pleasure of the sociopath. We've all been through so freaking much and we're still here, still alive, and still able to open up and talk about it. I feel so much love and want to send it out to all of you ❤
Wow Kat!!! Are you sure you’re only 21??! You are so wise beyond your years!!! I’m so proud of you mama!!! As bad as you are hurting, I’m amazed that you have the compassion that you have for the rest of us here. You my dear are going to be just FINE!!!
Aww thank you Cindy! 🙂 Just trying to focus on all the positive things this experience showed me. I guess being around a sociopath in his fifties for 5 years robbed me of my youth, but it also matured me and made me stronger and smarter way quicker. It’s a trade off I suppose.
Every day gets better and better. The weather where I live has been beautiful and I’m excited to finally be able to get out of the house after winter. Another thing I’m grateful for- this didn’t happen at the beginning of winter. Canadian winters can be brutal and I don’t know how I would’ve coped with seasonal depression on top of everything!
I’m eating normally again, still have bad dreams but they’re getting a bit less intense. It’s really hard to concentrate but I’ve decided today to just power through as much of the homework I have piling up as I can. I worked SO hard this year to be a straight A student and I’m in the home stretch- no way I’m letting him take that away from me!
My sociopath ex-boyfriend was arrested for hitting me last year. The case became a DA reject. Since then, he sent emails to a guy I was dating, lying to him and saying I have area, he has sent me texts threatening to kill me, sent pictures of himself to me with a gun threatening to kill me and informed me that he had videotaped us having sex without my knowledge. To my horror, he sent me still shots of this. He is threatening to release the tape and kill me if I go to the police. I got a restraining order against him back in January and he violates it left and right. He texts me from different numbers calling me a “dirty whore” “slut” etc. Each time I report this to the police and nothing is done. I finally had to change my phone number. The last straw was when he found out where I work this week and served me with a small claims lawsuit where he seeks the money he paid for bail and attorney’s fees from when he got arrested for hitting me.I explained the situation to my job, told them I am a domestic violence survivor, and I got fired because my job felt that my ex would come hurt others in the office and they don’t want to be liable. He later called me from a spoofed number that same day and said that he had manufactured evidence against me for his case by spoofing my number. I am so afraid of him. I think he will end up killing me and I called the police in a hysterics asking for help and was told there was nothing they could do because I can’t prove it was him who is calling me. What am I supposed to do? He is succeeding in systematically ruining my life. I can’t take this much longer.
@ scared and alone
So sorry to hear your story. This is truly horrendous and I cannot believe the police are not listening to you. Firstly, have you any family/friends who can take you in, even if temporarily? Your personal safety is first and foremost here. Second, keep hassling the police until they take you seriously – breaching a restraining order or other injunction is a criminal offence. Get in touch with a domestic violence centre – these people will be able to provide additional support and help. Get a good attorney – ideally one who has experience of domestic violence/sociopathic partners. Finally, try not to let this individual bring you down – I know this is hard, but this is precisely what he wants. I hope today is a better day for you – there are lots of supportive people on here who will help you through this…
I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship that initially started out as a “Friend with benefits” fling, and after sometime I fell in love with him and he also showed “mutual love” I ended up getting pregnant not too long after this. Everything was going wonderfully. But as my pregnancy progressed he started becoming kind of mean and condisending, telling me I’m too emotional. Anyway, all throughout the pregnancy he claimed we needed breaks (example one) because my parents didn’t want to work while pregnant and that I’m immature for respecting my parents, or because that I wouldn’t go to some people’s TINY apartment that he was living with for Christmas. Basically he caused me a lot of stress. This isn’t even the worst of it. Just hours after I had our baby, he refused to sign the baby’s birth certificate because he somehow assumed I was sleeping around and wanted to wait for a DNA test for “a peace of mind” not only I felt unloved and humiliated hours after having the baby(with an emergency csection) he also did nothing to help or to show compassion. All.he did in the 5 day hospital stay was sleep while I was struggling to get around and in pain from the surgery. 3 months passed and he decides to find an apartment and it actually went pretty well for about five months and then he started declairing that I get a job, when he was making enough to support us. He never helped me at night with the baby, always lefte to take care.of him and clean the house and care for the baby. So I took off for a month because he made me feel like I’m worthless. I ended up going back almost exactly a month later. I had to leave two months later due to a bedbug issue. He started becoming distant, refused to come see me or his son even while he was staying with his sister right down the road from me so I told him I didn’t want to live with him any more. A few weeks later, I get a visit from DCF claiming that I was doing all these things. He completely denied the fact it was him when there were a couple things said only me and him knew. I never let him live it down but made the mistake of moving back in with him a second time. There was a period of no fightng or anything for two months, then it really started to get bad. He tolde to get a job, called me fat, called me a lazy piece of sh*t because I didn’t think the baby was ready to potty train at 18 months old. One day I woke up from taking a nap with the baby(I wasn’t “allowed” because only people with jobs are Allowed to nap)to a text that said he had a bad day and I apparently didn’t apply fast enough so he asked if I wanted to know and I said sorry what happened and be texted me back to stop “pretending” that I care about him. So something in me finally snapped. I almost instantly called my mom to get me and my son out of there. Didn’t tell him anything and took all I could and left. After that I go court threats, text messages not about his son, but why I walked out on him. Just last month he made plans to see his son(while I supervised) we waited the whole day just for him to blow off his 2 year old son. When I first left he insisted to pick him up last minute, I hesitated and that’s when the court threat happened. Refusing to believe he legally has no rights since he didn’t sign the BC. I let him take him but had his mother pick up my son who is practically a stranger. Was afraid to go with him. Next day he was brought back earlier than we planned, the mother said he slept all night and was good but he was brought back to me all distressed and he seemed scared. So I never allowed him to go back with them over night for his best interests. I never knew
The guy that was supposed to love me was this way and now I am not who I used to be. Im happy to be out of that crap but I feel odd and kind of lost…what should I do?
Hi everyone,
So if it wasn’t for my sister doing the “are you dating a sociopath” quiz this morning, I never would have stumbled across this website. I couldn’t have even told you the definition of the word “sociopath” until today and my god am I glad i’ve found this site.
Let me tell you a bit about me, I’m 24, I live in the UK and I met my ex boyfriend at work. We kept bumping into each other and finally we exchanged numbers. In the beginning he was charming and charismatic, he told me he’d take me to London for the weekend and that we’d see a show, I was swept off my feet by this guy. London never happened (lol) but I can now see it was all part of his plan for me to let my guard down and for him to take control. The first few times we went out, it was just average (I put him on such a pedestal when I used to think back) but in reality the first dates weren’t great. We went for drinks but he had to rush back to work etc. He’s a corporate lawyer so obviously his job is very demanding and he’s a workaholic and would always put work first. So many times he cancelled on plans last minute because he had to work late. Then he’d come running back to me apologising profusely and guilt tripping me so I wouldn’t be mad, it worked, I always said it was fine and I knew work came first. There was also a picture on my instagram of weight loss, he got really nasty about it even though it was taken 2 years before we’d met, he’d take control and make me feel ashamed for it and I deleted my account, he’d start arguments over the littlest things and make me feel like everything was my fault. There was one time I saw his PA had text him and I got a bit upset because I knew she liked him, and it ended up him crying and saying he felt like he let everyone down and it’d be me comforting him. He never showed me any sort of affection, all I wanted was to feel loved and wanted and for him to make effort in making me feel special which never happened. I told him numerous times but nothing ever changed despite him saying it would. I don’t know why I thought i’d be able to change what he was. I argued with my family and friends over him because they could all see him for what he actually was and I was blinded by lust. I thought I loved him but did I really? Did i just love the idea of him? On paper he was perfect and we did have nice times together, but when it was bad I was the most miserable and low I’ve ever been. He said some god awful things about my family last weekend and I was stupid enough to say I’d forgive him even though what he said was unforgivable and hurt me more than anyone could imagine. Anyway on Wednesday, he told me he loved me for the first time but that he wasn’t sure it would work between us, he said he feels guilty that i’m always miserable and sad. When in actual fact I think there’s someone else because he’s always online on Facebook and whatsapp (The paranoia drives you insane, I know it sounds crazy but you can’t help but check and obviously you can’t say anything because you’d been seen to be crazy). I blamed myself for months, I didn’t think I was good enough for him, I always had his back and stuck up for him, the reasons why he didn’t buy me christmas presents? Because he was too busy with work, the reasons he didn’t want to see me? because he had to work late? The reason I had to make all our plans? Because he was too busy, in actual fact it was all just because he wasn’t bothered. He never showed any enthusiasm in our relationship. I was the one begging for him on wednesday, begging him to not leave me. When deep down I knew it was a toxic relationship but he had this hold over me, he put me down so I never thought i’d do better.
Anyway I feel so relieved to be out of that relationship and know he can’t hurt me again. I doubt he’ll be in touch because picking girls up and dropping them seems to be his bag. It’s so sad because all I wanted to be was the best girlfriend, I went out of my way to show I cared and made him feel wanted and he just didn’t care, he took it for granted and used me, at one point he even apologised for taking me for granted and what BS that was. I’m free, and i’ve been surrounding myself with close friends and family, i’ve just booked a holiday with my best friend which I’m sure he’ll HATE when he finds out but we need to keep distracted and busy before the pain starts again. I’ve decided to put photos up of all the good times with friends and family, I need positivity around me and to remind me that he wasn’t everything.
We are all worth more and I really hope one day we all see that. Yes sure it hurts like a motherfuck*r but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I’ve been depressed and in hospital before for trying to overdose but this website has helped me see him for what he really is, a sociopath, a control freak, a manipulative and clever man. It will be a long long time before i will ever be able to trust a male again (if ever) but this relationship was toxic and even though 6 months too late, I finally see it for what it is.
It will be okay in the end and we will all heal. Just stay strong and if you get the urge to text, read some of the forum, that’s really helped me today. Yes I’m livid, I have so much rage inside of me but he’s not worth it, even if I did something I wouldn’t get any sort of reaction and I just want to forget him and move on now, he isn’t worth the time or energy.
Stay strong ladies, we are worth so much more than being a victim of a sociopath. xxx
Hi Clauris, welcome to the site! 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, feeling angry is normal, let it out. It is better out than in, just don’t contact him and tell him 🙂
Clauris… OMG, this is so similar to my story!!! These guys are all the same!!! I loved, cared, and was the best girlfriend I could be to this man!! He just didn’t care, but pretended to until the very end. I was crushed, I just couldn’t believe that someone would purposely mistreat and used someone who loved them for no reason. I’m much better and stronger now… But I was almost suicidal at first. Hang in there… No, these bastards aren’t worth it!!
If I ever do see my SP again, I WILL kill him. And I have never ever had such thoughts about any other person ever before.
Well I cannot condemn but I do understand that feeling pookie they do make you feel really angry.
I am so ashamed of myself – I went on Facebook last night (after having had loads to drink) and posted loads of comments about him and his behaviour towards me on a friend of his wall (loads of people will have seen what I put)..I have deleted these comments now but am so so worried about the possible ramifications of what I have done…I have been in such a state this morning with worry and depression that I had to call the Samaritans.. : (
Hey ashamed. Aragh the dreaded drink! ! Hey I have done this too!! And so regretted (well not wrote on his friends wall he didn’t have any of those) but I did get drunk and lash out on Facebook. You know he will use this to call you crazy. But likely he has called you crazy anyway. So no change there. I know you feel horrified today. Alcohol will make you feel worse. Lesson learned!!
So in yesterday’s post I said I doubt he’d be in touch, I woke up to a big text saying how terrible he feels and can’t stop thinking about it. Blah blah blah, he is just trying to regain control and I refuse to let him. I was up overthinking after I read the message but just focused on all the bad stuff.
Ugh…. you know just as you think you won’t hear from them again they hoover you up. Don’t get sucked in. If you do the same cycle will repeat. The outcome is always the same!!
I know, he said he can’t bring himself to drop the rest of my stuff at work and that he’s written a letter for me. I don’t want it, I don’t care what he has to say but this is all part of the manipulation, he wants to hold onto my stuff to keep me dangling because he thinks he has control still. He thinks I’ll be wondering what’s in this letter but I’m over it now, he can’t hurt me anymore.
Hi Ashamed
Yep I feel this way every 2 weeks when I break NC again, only to be ignored. Its slowly getting better, but yes as positive said, he will think you are crazy for him or just plain old crazy. Remember you are feeding his ego and his incredibly low view of you (ie he has the power over you). Head high, walk way.
G xx
How are you doing Joelene?
Hey mate
Yeah I’m ok. As you and everyone says- its 2 steps forward and 1 3/4 back 🙂
I have these amazing moments of such happiness that this has finally ended! 4.5 years of treading on eggshells and knowing full well he was lying to me every day- it really was total hell he last 6 myths. I prayed every day that he would end it as I didn’t have the strength to!
Then he ended it, and I became even more obsessed than I was before.
BUT
I can see glimpses of blue sky, the peace I knew was there somewhere peaks hrough every now and then. Also I soooooo happy I haven’t got to text him all the time. He would get angry if I didn’t message him reasonably regularly, but then angry again if I messaged too much!! Not having to message at all is weird (part of my obsession now is this weird feeling of not having anything to do).. but gosh the peace of not feeling like I have to sneak my phone into meetings etc is bliss 🙂
So yes I can go ages of not texting and even get through whole hours of not thinking of him… but I seem to have bad days on Mondays, afternoons and Fridays…. don’t ask me why:)
So occasionally (maybe every 10 days), I’ll text him, he often responds curt but polite, but I end looking like … gee I dunno… a crazy ex !!!! UGH
So I heaved my list of things that helps (the list of lies, my strong song list, exercising), but I can see the link between me texting him and me feeling bad about myself (not exercising, eating badly…) so it clearly is about a seal esteem boost of some kind to me- that harks back to the first 18 myths of superpath romance!!
So the short answer is … getting there 🙂
G
Pleased you are getting there Joelene. I think you should do the 60 day challenge. This means you cannot make contact for 60 days. I don’t want you to be scared that he will forget about you, if you don’t make contact. This is 60 days to bring back focus and attention to you. Do you think you could do this? Download a quit smoking or anything app that would count your days for you. I think you would feel better at the end of the 60 days. I suspect you are scared to let go.
Thankyou my dear friend. I’m terrified of letting go… But why. I’m googling 60 day apps right now
ah just download a quit smoking app on your phone!! it will count the days for you
I can’t help feeling that speed of communication has been the finest thing for a sociopath. Hook you with a text, instantly. Too easy to reply instantly, when writing a letter might make you pause to think!
Does anyone else find that SPs are brilliant at communicating with the written word, or even over the phone, but talking face to face is always a let-down? When I was living separately from my SP I missed him so much when we spoke on the phone, but when I was in his company he irritated me beyond belief and I couldn’t wait to get away! This happened over and over again.
In the end the written word was his downfall – when I saw what he had written to other women, a different tone to each, being what they wanted, but basically the same rubbish.
I don’t think anyone should feel guilty about responding to a text or message – it is the way we are conditioned to respond. In the end you will become aware of the futility of it, and probably become bored.
I agree about alcohol – I went to a party on Saturday and chose not to drink, saying I had toothache and had taken painkillers. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable or out of control, I like to keep my wits about me if possible. It was strangely empowering, and I wasn’t tempted by the attentions of (married) men, I just felt closer to their wives. Yes, we’ve all done things we wished we hadn’t – we mustn’t be ashamed of emotion, it makes us better than those cold beings who do not care.
Lana x
Hello, I’ve recently realized I never told anyone even my close friends who remained even after the sociopath dropped me, all the details of what he had done and I’ve been coming here the last few weeks reading non stop trying to get some type of closure this blog has helped me in that. The sociopath that I got was a charismatic one and very good at manipulating me, I was in a time in my life where I was depressed and I didn’t really broadcast my feelings so at first the sociopath left me alone for the most part choosing to hang out with the people he introduced me to and other forms of supply for himself eventually he paid attention to me and appeared very emotionally mature and kind towards me which is all I wanted for over a year I was caught in the cycle of abuse and I haven’t had contact with him for another year but recently he’s been hanging around again. During the year with him he got me to move in because my friends were apparently bad for me ect so I lost my independence and had to move back in with my parents after everything was said and done, I lost my job at the time over $300 that I was promised would be paid back to me (lies lies lies) and I held onto his promises of being in a relationship he only let his mask slip once when he yelled at me for being too attached and how I should get over it. As recently as this past weekend in still meeting people in our town that he has screwed over. I ignored my feelings and everything else once he dropped me I greived but that was it that was the extent of my healing I basically pretended the year I spent with him didn’t happen but I think that was unhealthy because here I am studying sociopaths still not quite letting go
Hi James, welcome to the site! 🙂
James – I think we all understand how hard it is to let go of the Sociopathic influence in your life. Don’t feel guilty about it – they have a way of getting under your skin, altering your attitude and ultimately leaving you reeling in disbelief. You just can’t understand how it all happened, why one minute you felt safe and loved and the next minute you realised you were part of a game or strategy, and couldn’t separate truth from lies. The need to understand is very strong, part of the letting go and moving forward. Someone asked me today why I keep the emails from my dead SP. I never thought about it before, but I said it was because it helps me to see how he manipulated me from the start. I do refer to them when I’m feeling low, it helps to form a picture of how he engineered the life he wanted through me. I’m guessing that your craving for knowledge is the same thing – you want to read and read to find the similarities in a bid to understand how you have been messed with.
I hope that you find a more deserving love in your life, and can learn to put aside the destructive influence of the sociopath. Best Wishes, Lana.
I hate how the sociopaths have no clue how evil they really are. Don’t you just feel like grabbing them and shaking them and trying to knock some sense into their brains? Today the sociopath texted me asking for my banking details to apparently help with my tuition (doubt that’s really gonna happen). For a second I thought maybe I misjudged him, maybe he actually has a tiny bit of humanity buried deep? Then his texts got nasty when I gave him the cold shoulder, telling me how he wants to hurry up the process and be finished with me sooner. I LOVE how in his brain, I’m to blame for this. Yes, he was deceiving me and having sex with TONS of other girls, lying to me, but it’s MY fault because I was MEAN TO HIM. It’s always someone’s else’s fault, never his. How could someone who is so intelligent, be so stupid?! I think he was just lonely and wanted to see how bad I was yearning for him and was really disappointed that I was ok. He even tried dangling the tuition in front of me, playing more mind games, so I stopped replying. I really wish he could just walk into oncoming traffic and disappear from my life
I don’t think they care Kat, they just think that they are superior to other people 😦
It’s funny not only how much they ( sociopaths ) are alike but so are we… I told my ex to please drive into high speed ongoing traffic and kill himself. I was so hurt at the time. We go through so many emotions!! I’ve been through extreme hurt, anger, sadness, numbness, forgiveness. I think I’m moving forward because I’ve stayed in forgiveness and having pity for him. I’m in a place where I honestly feel sorry for him. I pray that he gets his life together… I pray that one day he will truly understand how his actions hurt women and how devastated we are…. I pray that he doesn’t pick the wrong woman and they severely hurt or kill him. I pray for myself daily, but I am strong enough Ti also pray for him because he is sick.
That’s so strong of you Cindy. I feel the same way- half of me wants him to die a slow and painful death but then the other half feels sorry for the small, empty shell of a man that he is. So, so frustrating trying to communicate with or understand someone who is so completely different from us.
I hear you kat – I am so full of hate and revenge today it’s nearly driving me nuts! I know he has his new gf in tow and they are happily posting left right send centre on Facebook!! All the stuff he said was so beneath him! It’s hard to Se them doing the same things he did such me. I kniw he’s lying to her about me, about his online dating etc, but he has told her the truth about many things he used to lie to me about for 5 years!!!
It tortures me!
Does this mean he loves her more or sees a real future with her and never with me? Does he think so little of me that I was so easy to lie to and throw away!! But not her…yet?
Anyway I know this is irrational but it’s just so hard
Welcome James
It’s the bloody pits! The worst thing in the world – I was so tricked and lied to. It was 18mths of perfection, then a few lies became clear and it started to crumble. I suffered extreme stress, obsession, depression, anxiety. Then 3 years later it finally collapsed totally in a Web of lies, deceipt, betrayal and I feel dehumanised!!
I’m slowly getting back but I struggle big time!
I’m hurting today and it’s my own fault… A co-worker and friend saw my ex on Monday. They were co-workers and buddies for years, so they chatted. Sociopath lied and said he’s good, he’s working ( he was forced to resign from our job for being dishonest ). The mutual friend know everything that has happened with us. Anyway, knowing that he saw him prompted me to email him… NO REPLY!! I don’t want him back and know that he’s no good for me, it just hurts to know that he doesn’t want any contact with me. I will not contact anymore. We’ve broken up many times before but he’s never ignored me like this. I guess he never cared about me and has completely moved on like I never existed. It’s a bad day but tomorrow I should be ok. I’ve never met someone who could turn on you and be so cold after you’ve been so kind and caring toward them. My mind understands what he is, but my heart remembers the person that I was madly in love with.
He’s trying to punish you and, by doing so, keep you on the hook. It’s all designed to control you. Mine has done exactly the same and I’m to the point now where I do not give a rats behind. I’ve turned the tables because I don’t want to hear from or see him ever again. My choice, my terms. You can do the same. The man is worthless but you aren’t . Hang in there, the first hundred years of your life will be the hardest. Seriously, you deserve better than he will ever give you.
I know… Like I said its my own fault. I know better. I have great support- my co-workers rallied around me today and they talked it through with me. They knew him and despise him for what he did to me. I’m better now, and I’m going to work out when I get home. Thanks Ladies…. You guys are AWESOME!!!
You’re the awesome one. You danced with the devil and you survived…and you have a great life ahead of you.
Awww…. Thanks Julie!!!
Yeah it is are to understand how these people can be so cold after being so loving. That’s just not how we are programmed. Just so much hatred towards us when they turn on us and yet we continue to love them. Just take one day at a time. Ask your friends that, if they see him, don’t tell you. You don’t need to know. Also request that they don’t say anything about you to him. This is all part of the healing process. Stay strong. I’ve gone over a year with no contact with my sociopath and getting to a point where it is days before I think of what he did to me. Recovery is very slow and it took a lot of time and effort on myself to get to this point. Have a good, supportive network around you is crucial. Also look for a hobby or something that will help you get your mind of it. Also vent. Vent as much as you want. It is always better to get it out then to bottle it all up.