Trust – Taking Possession and Control – Sociopath Hypnosis Soothing Core Soul Wounds

trustinme

Trust in Me…….

I bet people in your life questioned why you ended up with some psychopathic loon for a partner, and just how did you become so compliant? Where did your strength, your energy, your inner fight and determination go?  How did this person end up wielding SO much power and control over your life?

For some people, it was an easy target. The person was either sick, heartbroken, looking for someone or bereaved. The weak and the vulnerable are easy targets. But what about the other people? Those with good careers? Strong, independent people? Just how did you end up in a relationship with someone who held so much power and control over your life?

Shhhhh….. it is far more than seduction techniques

Let’s face it most people can see through a sleaze bag chat up person a mile off. Their fake smile, and cheesy lines say it all. The cracks start to appear almost from day one. But the Sociopath is different. They have mastered their craft. Being without the normal range of human emotions, they are not held back, and are free to take over another persons life.

This is more than the average seduction techniques. One that you might witness on a used car sales lot as the sleaze bag tries to convince you to buy a clapped out banger. Trying to convince you that it is the bargain of the century that you won’t get elsewhere.

The Sociopath is a master at their craft. Sociopaths need victims that they can own, possess and control. The initial stage is the assessment, where they appear very interested in you, your life, your history, your family and friends. You wouldn’t know that their stories about their life, are either wildly elaborate from the truth, or more likely, outrageous lies. The mirroring of their experiences with yours builds an initial sense of trust. You see, gaining your trust is of utmost importance to the Sociopath. Without trust, you are nothing to them. They need to gain trust, and then the real work can commence.

By asking you a set of questions, creating false scenarios, to see how you respond and react, observing how you interact with others, and how others interact with you, they can build an accurate picture of:

Your core soul wound

I do not think that it was an accident that my ex, when he took off onto internet dating sites (they can’t be alone) after we split, he used the name ‘soul soother’.

At interview/assessment stage the Sociopath will discover:

  • Who you are
  • Any weaknesses In your armour
  • Any unresolved hurt and pain from the past
  • Any issues from childhood
  • Who are your support network (who will stand in the way)
  • Ultimately, what your core soul wound is

Everybody almost has a core soul wound. Most of ours is not about being out of control. Messages that we might have received in childhood , or sometimes by a later trauma in life

  • You are not good enough
  • You do not deserve ……
  • You are too ugly/fat/thin
  • You are not worthy
  • You are stupid
  • You will amount to nothing in life
  • You will always be poor
  • Feelings of rejection
  • Fears of abandonment
  • Fear of loss
  • Inability to trust

If you were to say ONE sentence – that you have carried all of your life. A sentence that has held you back, what would that sentence be?

It is my belief, that all Sociopaths have a soul wound carried from childhood. This wound they have carried with them all of their lives.  Often the wound that the Sociopath carried from childhood is being out of control and learning that nobody can be trusted. Often in the Sociopaths childhood, traumatic events happened, that left them feeling out of control, and having no safe adult to confide an trust in. So, they learned not to care. Nobody really cared about them. As an adult, they only feel in control, by having control over others. This might be, why you felt sorry for them, saw the child inside of the grown up. Were pulled in by how well they play victim.

The Sociopath needs control of others, to feel worthwhile and to obtain and keep control of another, they need to discover what YOUR core soul wound is.  .

How the sociopath hypnotises, lures you in, and takes possession of you by soothing the core soul wound

After assessment, once discovering what your soul wound is. The sociopath being the prolific liar, will then SOOTH your core soul wound. And so,

  • If your message is you are stupid, they will compliment how clever you are
  • If you feel dull, they will make you feel alive, and say what good company you are
  • If you feel ugly/fat/disfigured, they will say how beautiful/handsome you are
  • If you feel not good enough, they will treat you like you are the greatest prize and how lucky they are to have you
  • If you feel you will amount to nothing in life, they will encourage you with false business plans
  • If you feel it is yours to be poor, they will offer a rich and fantastical future
  • If you have been hit by loss, abandonment, bereavement, they will promise to always be around and never leave you
By soothing the core soul wound, you will feel (and sometimes for the first time in your life)
  • Relaxed
  • Calm
  • Chilled
  • Loved
  • Accepted
  • Validated

You will feel accepted, loved and wanted. The process of ownership, possession and control has begun. Which now makes the sociopath feel comfortable, as they now have control over you. Feeling out of control themselves, they struggle to function without control over another person. You feel happy and content. You can feel that you have met your soul mate. The love of your life. The person that you will spend your life with. You can hardly believe your luck.

However, the Sociopath is also an insecure creature, remember that they often come from a background of abuse, and neglect. (Psychopaths don’t always but most Sociopaths do). They do not feel comfortable when things are ‘good, and happy’. Every time that they became comfortable with good and happy as a child, things went wrong and the rug was pulled from under their feet. Inside, while they have a need for security, they do not feel comfortable with it.  Once the Sociopath has earned your trust, when things have been good for a while, they will sabotage what was built and created with you. When this happens, feeling hurt, you will try to pull away. So the sociopath will try to seduce you again, and again, to regain control over you. You see, losing control over you, triggers the sociopaths core soul wound (and you will witness the narcissistic rage) – followed by attempting to sooth your soul wound again – and so the cycle of abuse continues.

I have tried to find video about core soul wound, there isn’t too much out there. Nothing really that I wanted to put into this post. But I have found this one. I do apologise, as I  couldn’t find one that explained, or tried to, without God… there isn’t any other ones out there.

Why does it hurt so much? Why, when someone has treated me so badly, do I miss them? Why do I feel such an empty space inside of me? Why do I feel so stuck? Why do I struggle to move forward and move on?

You feel this way, because the sociopath is expert at SOOTHING YOUR CORE SOUL WOUND. It is this memory, and the sense of betrayal that this has now been taken away, that can leave you feeling ‘stuck’, as likely when they left, they ripped the wound wide open again. Leaving you feeling, betrayed, angry, hurt and confused.

The sociopath doesn’t have a conscience. But they do have a need to control and dominate others. Just as they felt out of control and not cared for earlier in their lives. Being ‘top dog’, winning, being in control, and being dominant over another is all that really matters to them. It is this feeling that keeps them alive. They do not feel bad for treating others in this way. In fact, they think that they have done you a favour. Inside they do not feel worthwhile, so others, are worthless. They have their own core soul wounds, which perhaps you tried to fix. How many of you saw that broken insecure child inside, and tried to help them? But were left feeling devastated, when you were later betrayed? The one who was in my life would always hide behind sickness and illness. Claims of anxiety, upcoming serious illness or even death.

Do you remember the time, when you felt that you were with the love of your life? The honeymoon period? Do you remember when you thought that you had finally met the person that you had searched your whole life for? Do you remember that sense of peace, and calm within?

This was the sociopath soothing your core soul wound. Like a child, who had received the biggest hug in the world. Right then, at that  moment, everything was alright with the world.

As it is fake, and as it has to more do with control, manipulation and deceit, than genuine connection and compassion, the Sociopath cannot keep it up long term. This is why repeated cycles of behaviour will occur. It is like somebody putting a bandage on your wound, making you feel wonderful, and then cruelly ripping it off, leaving it exposed to the elements, causing excruciating pain. Pain that perhaps you had never felt in your life.

Hypnosis

When your soul wound is being soothed, it feels hypnotic. Like a baby being rocked by its loving parent. You feel safe, and at home, content and happy. This is how the Sociopath takes control of you. This is how you are hypnotised. This is why you trust. You trust because it is the feeling that you have looked for, perhaps all of your life, and indeed, might feel like the missing piece of you.

You might wonder, how does the Sociopath just ‘move on’ didn’t you have something ‘special’ together? The truth is, that they can mirror anybody. By having the ability to read people, to assess and analyse, they can figure out what everyone’s core soul wound is. So, they move onto the next person, mirroring their core soul wound, and carefully soothing them so that the next person feels wonderful.

But happiness, did not lie in the Sociopaths past. And so, they feel a sense of anger, injustice, and vengefulness, towards that inner state of peace, bliss and happiness in others. For it is not something that they feel comfortable with themselves. Having control over another, is not quite enough. If you were that happy, you could escape and run off with somebody else. So, they, when threatened, will rip off the bandage that is holding you together, and you fall apart, again, and again, until you are pulled in, lured back in, and soothed again.

Feeling confused

It can be so confusing, as you battle the truth in your mind. On the one hand, being with this person felt so good, so warm, so caring. So, well just so right. On the other, it was hell, where your world was turn upside down. So you spend time, trying to make things right. Trying to get back to that ‘good’ time. If the Sociopath still has something that they want from you, they will encourage you to believe that they are just about to make recovery, and that things will be different again. Again, you feel soothed, calm, and everything feels right with the world. You won’t understand why the Sociopath, will later betray you again. Why, or how you deserved this? Confusion is caused, by the wonderful feeling when your core soul wound is being soothed, and the horrific pain, when this is taken away, or used against you. You might leave the relationship feeling

  • Emotionally raped
  • Violated
  • Confused whether this person was good or bad, saint or sinner

What you will almost certainly feel, is betrayed.

Moving onto healing and recovery

In healing and recovery, it is important to see the truth. To see the illusion and the clever magic trick, that is performed by the Sociopath. It isn’t that you are worthless. It never was about that. It isn’t that they used you, then moved onto someone else. Neither is it that they are better than you.  Maybe you got wise to them, didn’t trust them anymore, and wouldn’t allow them to soothe you, learning previously, how that had ultimately caused you more pain than you had ever experienced in your life. The sociopath then feels that their usefulness to you, and you to them, has now passed. It is time to move on.

What is your core soul wound? Look deep within. What is the message/sentence that you have been carrying, that has held you back in life? What is it that the Sociopath put a band aid plaster on, for a short while, to enable you to trust them more than you had ever trusted anybody in your life – only for you to be betrayed at a later date?

This is why betrayal hurts so deeply. It comes from a place deep within you. You trusted, you gave everything because you trusted this person. Perhaps you trusted this person more than you had trusted since childhood. Perhaps you let this person closer to you than anyone has been since childhood. But they took it away,  leaving you feeling hurt, humiliated and degraded. You likely felt used, violated, emotionally raped. An empty shell of the person that you once were.

Do you know what the beauty of this is? Do you know what the magic of this lesson is? It is perhaps to teach you, ‘what your core soul wound is, and to learn to fix and heal yourself?’

This is why I say that you will change for the better, you will come out, stronger and better. Having learned how it felt to live partially, with that core soul wound soothed and feeling healed. You should be inspired to do this for yourself, so that you can live this life, not just sometimes, aided by someone else, but all of the time.

First step is to forgive yourself for allowing this to happen to you – Establishing no contact, will stop the cycle of abuse, and remove the Sociopaths ability to hypnotise, and brain wash you

Second Step is to trust yourself! This gives you the opportunity to undo the brain washing and mind control. You do not need them to fix you – you are capable of doing this all on your own (even if your wound is one of abandonment)

Third step is to reach back to the past, to those in your life, who truly love you, this will help with seeing reality, and altering that twisted view of the world, that was given by them

The final step is to rebuild your life, for you!

The Sociopath will continue to do this to everybody that they meet. This is how they function in the world. For you, you need to heal and fix you. Maybe the Sociopath brought to your attention, the healing that is required within. For, if you hadn’t met them, you wouldn’t have known that you could be that vulnerable. You are free now, free to heal and fix you.  Once you have healed you are free to move on to be the best of you and to live happier than you had ever known in your life before.

Love yourself! You really are worth it! x

All rights reserved Copyright, datingasociopath.com 2015

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52 thoughts on “Trust – Taking Possession and Control – Sociopath Hypnosis Soothing Core Soul Wounds

  1. Yes yes yes, this is EXACTLY how it was with my husband, so much so that this could have been written about my whole experience. The sad part is that as you say, once you are of no use to them anymore and you can no longer be manipulated, they just move on to the next person/victim and in my case when I met her she confidently, but naively told me that her former husband used to physically abuse her and then committed suicide (a perfect candidate for him) and that she had never had a relationship since until she met my husband and now she was in love with him. She also thought that I must hate her, but I told her that I felt sorry for her, to take notice of the red flags and that if ever she needed to talk to me, she knows where I live. The Saint/sinner description is just spot on and so very confusing when you are involved in it………………but not anymore! Thanks to you positivagirl

  2. Great article, and again, it’s like you are telling my story to me!! I will say, the experience brought me closer to God and my faith, so the piece on Ron’s experience made perfect sense to me. This article came at just the right moment for me…I’m rebuilding my life and I’m doing great, except that I miss having a man in my life. I see now that I have a bit more work to do to be the person I need to be before I enter another relationship. And I see that part of wanting another relationship is to show the ex-socio that I can replace him easily. My next partner deserves better than to be a pawn in a game I shouldn’t be in anymore.

    1. hey Susan,

      one of my favrit’ quotes…

      “your heart is being prepared for the heart that is being prepared for your heart”

      ❤ ❤ ❤

  3. This piece tells my story completely…..and OMG…HE was a used car salesman!
    What gets me is how much our families an birth positions were alike….right down to
    navy brat, very short stature, abusive fathers. When I would try to talk to him…he would always sequeway to this abuse…..go on and on to shut me up. So much has fallen into place for me from reading this.

  4. @positivagirl i barely have words for how much this speaks to me. this is one of the most perfect things that anyone who has ever been through this could read. so grateful for you and your voice… ❤

  5. What a great piece. Thank you so much. A lot of insight here. I went through it all and it helps to put the pieces together, it literally makes recovery that much faster to know how and why things went so wrong.

    1. Yes absolutely. If you work with a counsellor who understands this, you could not only fully heal and recover, but be better and happier than you ever were before you met your abuser.

      The only problem is a lot of people focus on the relationship in therapy and the pain that was caused by the relationship, thus missing an opportunity to set themselves free.

      1. I love this post thank you, am going to keep reading it over and over to help me . This is what’s happening to me now in counselling when I need to be focusing on me just me and finding my way back , I just find it quite hard though . Thank you x

      2. Hi faith, it is hard, I am not going to lie and say that it is going to be easy. It is true that I was so controlled, and so brain washed, that I didn’t even recognise my own facebook page 3.5 years later.

        I am about to start writing a new blog, Which is going to use real life correspondence from the Sociopath that was in my life. I hope that people can join me, and perhaps see your own patterns that I see.

    1. Yay – Richard that is huge. How did it go? I hope that your counsellor is perfect for you. You know, its a big thing to acknowledge to work through. Abandonment is a big one. It can make people stay in relationships far longer than is necessary. it can make it difficult for people to leave, as they don’t feel comfortable abandoning. it can also feel difficult to lose another person out of their life, feeling like a failure if they do so. Well done you for working on you. it really will bring the best results, if you are working with the right person.

      1. it went well ,i know what causes me to get into the same situation time and time again , and I know it will be hard but only i can fix me,Im a good person and i deserve it

  6. Hi Positivagirl,

    This is a great piece of work. I am glad that you are writing informative awareness posts to help those struggling with inner healing. When you started writing again, I was worried you were stuck in your healing, but each time you post lately your awareness (messages) shows how far you have come in your healing. Maybe really you missed your audience and needed to know we are still out there?! :-)) We haven’t gone anywhere. Although you have not written back to me 😦 when I have blogged in the past, lol. I wanted to say it has been almost two years since I kicked MR of Jacksonville, FL out of my life and did the gray rock on him because he was love bombing someone else (he had to find some other woman to play the game with since I told him what he is). I live far away from that evil town now, but one thing for sure in the four and a half years that I lived in Jacksonville, I became astounded at the prevalence of Cluster B personality types that reside there (men and women). What you write here fits much of what I experienced, but MR is also filled with demons, I saw his eyes turn black twice for certain with witnesses present and another ex-GF of his also said she saw his eyes turn black. I have been studying on my own pertaining to personality disordered minds for two and a half years, before I got out of that Hell for good, while reading many posters like yourself, blogger’s comments, as well as delving into current psychology manuals relating to personality disorders. I figured since I was so curious about these minds and how cruel their thinking and behaviors are towards others evolves, I might as well go back to school and get a second Masters in Professional Counseling – so I did earlier this year. I am almost done, I had 30 credits applied immediately and will finish next year after internship. My specialty will be in narcissistic abuse. I was conceived by Cluster B’s and it has taken all my life to wake me up to what these people are doing to others who get woven into their trap – like myself. Cluster B’s are in the DSM-5 under Personality Disorders and under the category Antisocial Personality Disorder falls sociopaths, psychopaths, or dyssocial personality disorder meaning these minds do not follow societal norms, doesn’t mean they are not social because we know they are quite charming. Narcissists are in their own category within Personality Disorders, however they are just as evil and Antisocial Personality Disorders are narcs anyway. They hate the rules of mainstream society so they make up their own rules and are vicious people. I will treat those that have been affected by them and my goal is to help them get to who they are meant to be as quickly as possible. The whole idea is to teach my clients to recognize the signs of toxic people and get away from them because they are not healthy to be around for any length of time. It is interesting to me how the APD’s and narcs know who to target, they are masters at the game and can zoom in on a target like a lion lurking for the weakest zebra. Not that we are weak, but we obviously gave them signals to zoom in and play with us and ultimately abuse us. To date, there is no medicine, no therapy, no brain reconstruction that can transform Cluster B’s, except God if it is in God’s Will. I remember MR asking me on the first date “What ticks you off” and I said without hesitation, “Being lied to” and he said “Yeah, that bothers me too” — in hind sight that was about lie Number 5 right out the gate, but I did not know then that he is a pathological liar and is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He also told me to “trust him” and that “I was the love of his life” and we were “soulmates” amongst other garbage within two weeks to a month of meeting him. lol Oh, and the “Move On” cliche is what MR said whenever I broke up with him (which was all the time and went back because I was addicted to him like a drug). He is used to moving on fast without a care in the world and always has many going at the same time. That Hellish involvement of almost two years was what woke me up – as a lesson teaching me that it was me that needed to be fixed. Most Internet posters these days on this topic are saying that more than likely our most recent experience is the “gift” that woke us up. I suppose my “gift” is to help people heal from narcissistic abuse in the counseling arena so they can learn to become better than ever.

    We have been in an unconscious subconscious state that needed healing which caused us to let these Cluster B’s in our lives in the first place.

    Bottom line is we need to fix ourselves and stop blaming “them” because we have had the power all along to get rid of “them” from continuing to disrupt our lives. Another interesting tidbit I have learned from my studies/education, is that at age 15 and older they become stabilized – meaning they have adapted to their personality disorder and become stronger over time, yes stronger, in their manipulation game. They learn from us and what we discover about them. Scary crap! That is why the No Contact is in place, ask yourself: Why do you want to be abused more? Contacting them is opening the door to more abuse.

    I have tons more of what I have learned, but that will be for my group therapy sessions and private sessions. After reading this post, I just felt compelled to share some things about my almost two-year healing journey and to let all you know that it takes time to clean out most of the brainwashing that was done (cuz it never goes away completely) and also to say thank you for this good read.

    Peace & Love

    1. Hi Holly,

      Thank you for your comment. It is good to see how far you have come also. It sounds as if you are doing well.

      I think that no contact serves it’s purpose to set us free, as they tie us with dominance bonds. It gives us the opportunity to rebuild our own lives, as they isolate us from others, reinforcing both the dominance bond, and the control that they have over our lives. No contact works, because it allows us to bring our own light and happiness back in, after often a considerable period of darkness. It also draws a line to say ‘no more’. In this sense, it forces you to focus your energy on you – and not the other person. This is impossible to do without no contact.

      That is interesting about the personality becoming stabilized at 15, so where the person is at 15, they stay? That is interesting as I have often written that it was like a teenage child, lashing out at it’s parents (as I have witnessed this too) and it was very similar to this (you won’t give me what I want – I will punish you).

      I needed to take time out from writing at this site. Although I did continue on Facebook. For some reason I had a fear to write here. A writers block even. I struggled to write.

      In January 2015, he moved on for good with his own life. At that point I realised just how brainwashed I was, when I needed to come back to this site, for my own healing. After this, I worked hard a recovery plan, counselling again (not too much was needed this time) – I then knew that it was time for me to return to the workplace. I needed to do this, just to a) return to society b) check in with my skills, to ensure that they were current and up to date. I worked with a wonderful team of people. This – I think was the biggest shift within me. Returning to using old skills. I smiled, as I remembered writing the post years before about returning to the past.

      I knew the tool box skills to use even back in 2013, due to work place experience of helping other people. Although I enjoyed being at work, I loved working as part of a team again. I also missed writing (also a few people did comment that my file notes were rather long and descriptive!! haha) – today I will do something just to keep working within a team (I think that is important and to not become isolated as I did in 2013), but I wanted to bring back some focus to working here.

      BUT – how was I ever going to get over the writers block? Something about this site, gave me so much fear. Perhaps I feared judgement.

      But I knew that the only way forward, was to write again. I also wondered how people were too, you are right. How they were doing, where were they today? I think also too, to say hey I am going ok, things are good with me too. To see if anyone had slipped back also.

      Stats for the site, despite not writing remained roughly the same In terms of traffic, as the older posts are what people seem drawn to. So, it wasn’t about that. I also needed to get the work from 2013 into a book. This is a huge priority and focus for me.

      Thank you for your kind words, it is always good (for me and new readers) to hear that it can be done. That other people have survived it, and are out there doing well, and living a good life.

      Thank you x

      1. Hi Positivagirl,

        Yay! You wrote me! :-))

        Sorry you felt “fear” that is one of the symptoms APD’s give us. One symptom at a time we overcome them and one must face their fears head on and you have. We are glad you are back. Similar to going to church and getting a very good spiritual message, I love intelligent information to read and expand upon. Most of us “seasoned” readers, (the new ones will catch up) want deeper messages to understand the pathology behind these uncaring people. I am analytical, MR told me towards the end that I was too sophisticated in the mind for him, lol. He told me he had studied psychology in college so I thought I could talk to him about the subject and here as I have learned, many APD’s read about how they can become slicker, sleazier, sneakier at the brainwashing game (there are online sites that teach ADP’s how to seduce). Most know what they are capable of. The truth is that he lied to me about being a college graduate, he either flunked or dropped out. Sure, he makes substantial money as a business owner, but he copied his psychopath father’s business model; those two compete with each other. He learned from “daddy” to use “charm” to win sales, especially when women are mostly their first points of contact (i.e. receptionist) who they manipulate with charm to convince them to get to the main decision maker who could be another female. This concept is two-fold, gives them more business which equals more money along with more supply to satisfy their egos. If a woman is reading this and has been one of those women who has been flattered in this type of situation, understand they are only using charm to get what they want – win the sale, and maybe get some extra “spice” to go with it. They use the same game when they hunt for new supply. APD women are no exception, and men tell me they are more malicious.

        You gave a great definition of No Contact, and no one will get there to what your definition is if they continue to stay in contact by keeping tabs on their ex’s life, yelling at them, pleading with them, etc., a person will simply not heal and contact just feeds the APD’s pathetic ego. To stay in contact is asking for more abuse. I told my professor that I learned (and this is hard to do) is ignore them. They hate being ignored! If you run into them look the other way, laugh and talk to others pretending they aren’t around, do NOT talk to them in any type of communication. That will drive them nuts and they will try to find a way to communicate with you, don’t give them that opportunity. This will give them narcissistic injury. They think they can always keep us hooked. They think we can’t fall out of “love” with them. BTW: It was all an illusion, we didn’t love these people, we thought we did, but we didn’t. Since they are a fake person in the beginning, our “love” was fake too because they brainwashed us to make us believe we were in love with the original actor. None of it was real as difficult as that is to comprehend. Positiva, you write in one of your posts that the love we felt was completely different than we ever experienced, yes and it was not real either, that is why it was different. You write about the illusion of the brainwashing game.

        Immaturity is a huge component to an ADP, they often are ADD or ADHD, with other comorbidity disturbances and before age 15 they show signs of the absence of concerns for others and rule breaking patterns and often if therapy intervention begins before age 15 the person has a chance to retrain their thinking and behaviors. After age 15 according to all my reading their brain wiring and subconscious are not re-trainable so they have become accustomed to their habits and enjoy what they are doing. Over time, they master their skills with all the decent people they practice on, but keep in mind they also use each other for extra supply on the side. Likewise, they have their group of ADP friends who they feel comfortable with because they all act the same way around each other and encourage one another. For me, as I reflect back it was unsettling and disturbing to be around MR’s pals (women too) and listening to what they say and watching their actions. It was like watching and listening to very immature middle-aged adults. Thank God I am free and very selective who comes in my life now.

        Speaking of who comes in my life, I would love to collaborate with you in writing a fact-based easy-to-read book or facilitate/head-up group sessions, there are so many people here in the States who want me to start group therapy because I have helped many without pay already, but I want to finish this Masters so I can concentrate on the purpose I was designed to do without my coursework getting in the way. Let me know or tell me how I can get in touch with you. You and I have been healing for the same length of time, we could make a powerful team for bringing more awareness to the World-wide Narcissistic Abuse Epidemic. Big HUG! Peace & Love

  7. Within the first weeks he told me he needed his soul soothed. It was always the case. I was his Goddess. He sought my warmth and comfort and especially so after many a discard.

    Alternately, he made me feel precious and protected. I was hooked the first time he held me in his strong arms. I never realized I missed that in my life. He was calculated in how he’d soothe me. It wasn’t long before I wasn’t allowed to voice a complaint about anything, especially in relation to him. I hope I never hear the words, whine or nag again. The devaluation was prolonged and exclusively about me trying to work things out or defend myself. In that process of devaluation, I started to change. I actually became needy and crazy, sort of. He is a master. He kept me craving him. I feel so guilty that I helped him develop his skills. He started on me when he was only 23. I swear he tried to stop himself but I made it so enticing for him to continue.

    My story is fascinating and has unique circumstances yet very textbook it seems. I am currently wanting to die.

    1. Hey, I don’t like to hear you sounding so down and so low!!!

      You are precious, you are worthy, you are worthwhile. What happened to you in your life before you met him? What happened in your childhood? How were you feeling about you, and did you have a message that you sent to yourself (often from earlier years) that made you feel this way? If you can find this, then you are so far forward to finding the key to healing you!! x x

      1. I’ve always been aware of the childhood issues. It’s interesting how it took more abuse for me to finally acknowledge I have needs and it’s up to me to make sure they’re met.

        Going to sleep now. I’m sure I will eek out more of my story. Thanks for the lifeline here.

    2. I understand what you say about wanting to die., I have even weighed it out in my mind. Believing that the pros of dying were far more convincing then the cons.
      It would be much easier to die, then to start a new beginning, on my own, alone, without a pot to pee in.
      Cause he either stole everything I had or destroyed it. This man took pleasure causing me pain, he was in his glory to say no to me after I had sliced my hand and needed stitches. I am also convinced he pushed me emotionally to the edge off the cliff. I know he relished in igniting my doubts in other people, causing me to feel fear. I know in my gut, that is what he would want me to do, kill myself. It would be perfect, he could say “see, She was off the hook” I do get it, I too want to die, when I have these feelings of despair. Every tear I cried, his ego became larger. I do not have the answer why, we think we should die, Maybe, still reaching to be loved?
      I will just stay focused on this site an I will write my story here in bits an pieces.
      My I-pad that I had been writing a journal about my life, suddenly is damaged.
      He took everything from me. Inside an out, who wouldn’t want to die.
      I WILL BE DAMNED IF I GIVE MY LIFE UP TO HIM.
      My heart is with you.
      smiles

  8. Hi everybody
    i relate to everything! I gave credence to his criticism and blame because i knew i had some damage from my childhood. I worked on this my whole life and know that i had grown and evolved in many ways. i believed in myself, knew i was a person with a good heart and had a basic sense of my self worth. As i grew older i was at peace with the way i had lived my life….but i did not think that everybody else necessarily liked me or understood me. i am not particularly mainstream or traditional. I’ve always had to figure things out by myself.

    Still, i noticed that i didn’t handle break-ups the same way other people did, I took twice as long to recover. The pain & devastation seemed like it ran way deeper, even though everyone said that they had all been through it & knew what i felt. Therapy didn’t help, anti-depressants made no difference, study & research only helped in the moment.

    I knew i had ‘attachment trauma’ by now, and had a core fear of abandonment. I rarely thought i “deserved” the abuse or that i could do no better. But the dread & fear of them leaving me was triggered by their cold shoulder withdrawal and insults every time. It registered in my brain as a threat to survival with the full force adrenal response of “fight, flight or freeze.” After my divorce i had a severe suicide attempt, so it was pretty much a life or death threat to me. I had a true need for them to stay and work it out. Don’t leave me. As you can imagine i did back flips “trying to be better,” trying to understand what they wanted or expected from me, feeling ‘not good enough’ in their eyes (who cares what i thought) and finally finding myself begging.

    Fact is, it didn’t matter if I liked or loved myself…it mattered if HE did. Hear me out, OK?
    If your mind translates abandonment/rejection by the person CLOSEST to you as threatening to your very life, you are no longer in your calm, logical rational mind. You are automatically connected to your most primitive ‘reptilian brain’ & will do whatever it takes to survive.

    No one gets this! The more you try and explain the more you look cray-cray just as he painted you in the vicious smear & distortion campaign. Then, as you try to correct and fix that big mistake, you realize that you can’t change their view of you or convince them of the truth as you experienced it. Now you fully experience what i feared the most and KNEW was coming, the ‘pathological loneliness.’

    If, as in the worst cases, you find yourself with nothing (i.e. no home, no money, no job, no family, no friends u trust who are immune to his BS, and as in my case you are an older woman) and the future looks unbearable because in reality, you’ve run out of time. There’s no fixing yourself for the next guy or the famous “healthy” relationship.

    And pleeease don’t tell me that i need to ‘move on’, that i ‘allowed’ it, that he just ‘used and abused you’ and had ‘zero respect’ for u, and oh yeah….’he doesn’t love you and he never did’ and its your fault for staying, so look at your faults and weakness etc.

    Having love in my life and a happy home was my goal above all others BECAUSE it
    would have meant that i had overcome the core wounds from my childhood that i had faced and tried to heal my whole life.

    Maybe my situation was worse or my sociopath more severe…..but i don’t think so.
    To me this is just an EPIC FAIL and it IS on me!

    Feel free to comment no matter how difficult.

    Thank you.

    1. guppie577 ,

      I truly hope you’re recovering and finding peace in your life.

      I’m the same way about taking a long time to recover. But it has helped to realize that the “love of my life” is actually my sister and close friends who I KNOW love me despite my moments of weakness or dressing like a slob, having a bout of the “uglies” during flu season, or losing my job. Whatever. They still love me. And I’m betting it’s the same for you.

      Most of the time romantic love comes with a lot of strict regulations and penalties. One, of course, is abandonment. Another is infidelity. The list goes on.

      It’s best to put more stock in real love. True love. The kind that doesn’t come with sneaky clauses, fine print and abandonment.

      That starts first with self-love. I know it sounds cheesy but it’s true.

      Most of us posting to this blog have a WAYS to go there.

      My therapist reminded me of that a month ago.

    2. Guppie, I *totally* understand this. Thank you for writing this.

      I see me there, too…
      I hope you are well lately. ❤

  9. I’m so glad that you began this blog… as you see evidence that SO MANY need the information and advice you offer here. You probably get messages all day long!

    Fortunately, for me, I’m a pro nowadays at the “no contact” rule.

    My ex still sends me emails 3+ years later and just I delete them immediately.

    I can still recall the performance artist smiling —just after I confronted him about his cheating. He didn’t budge, just sat there smoking his cigarette like the sexy main character of a noir silent film —while I gathered my things, teary-eyed, cheeks bright red from humiliation— and he just smoked, with a faint smile on his face, gazing out the window as if posing for a fashion magazine. Such arrogance. And I look forward to forgetting that disgusting image someday.

    Later on he found a girl who looked like me and staged a “performance” where he actually had sex with her in front of a crowd, in an art gallery. He supposedly “knocked her up” during this “performance” and his idiotic critic buddies called it brilliant. Hahahaha… I am f***cking serious.

    Recently another narcissist/sociopath (or whatever he is) began working on me… Telling me he loves me after a few conversations about Lyme disease (which we both had contracted) —although he has a girlfriend which he abruptly informed me about after wooing me for a several weeks. It was shocking (although I don’t know why I’m EVER shocked anymore) –thinking he was accidentally messaging someone else about me, but NOPE… “I have girlfriend. We’re in a polyamorous relationship and I’m pursuing a girl in my hometown as well.”

    Me: Ummmmm…. Excuse me? Is that a joke? Are you being serious?

    Yep, he was.

    So I’ve cut him off and hopefully I’ll never hear from him again. I just feel sorry for the other women he’s pursuing.

    Again…. how is one supposed to trust the intentions of anybody anymore?????

    I can’t imagine!!!!

    1. @Miagata … Wow! Yep. !

      “He didn’t budge, just sat there smoking his cigarette like the sexy main character of a noir silent film —while I gathered my things, teary-eyed, cheeks bright red from humiliation— and he just smoked, with a faint smile on his face, gazing out the window as if posing for a fashion magazine. Such arrogance. And I look forward to forgetting that disgusting image someday. ”

      Mine is/was the same.

      1. I had to come back and read it again.
        Wow, yeah, I’d read your books too if you write them! ❤

  10. Thank you, thank you so much for this post. As I was reading it, I realized what the core soul wound was that my abuser had preyed upon since the beginning of our relationship. I was always such a shy, awkward kid, I never felt like anyone liked me, or that I was worthy of being liked. Silly, I know, but everyone has their thing. Anyway, I can see how he used this to make me feel so special and loved in the beginning….setting the trap…while at the same time isolating me from friends. When the relationship ended…the big dump and discard…I can now see why. At that point I had gotten tired of the B.S., the raging, the getting shoved around and ignored. In the months before the breakup, I had developed a close group of friends, was doing volunteer work that I loved and had a job that I loved. All of these positive things filled me with strength and showed me that people did like me for me. I was healing my own core soul wound…which really, I think, pissed him off. Towards the end, the violence and aggression really increased. Then, he DD’d me in a way that caused me to lose everything. I had to move over 2000 miles away…lost the job, the friends the volunteer work. This helps me see though, that it’s really not me, and he did it on purpose, for a specific reason (which of course, he denies)….he knew what would hurt me the most and used that. Again, thank you.

  11. Hey Positiva, remember me Bewidered well just read you post AGAIN on Soul Core Wounds holy shit you finally really got it down pat with this one.wow this is it this is the one that makes so much sense to me.

  12. Pos, it’s been a while since I have spoken to you that I forgot I changed my name to boopsykisses after that horrendous ordeal, and you are right you can’t be friends with them he still S reed me over even as friends, don’t love him anymore thank God but now that we were friends he treated me badly I was shocked. Any relationship you have with these son of a bithese is still deadly. They can’t change, their niceness is fake and phony I have been on this site since 2011-12-13, I was fine not with him and don’t even feel the same about him yet if he mentions another woman I get a teeny bit jealous it sucks, I’ve blocked his # from my phone and he calls me a bitch and says I done this to his # purposly, yes stupid I did. Not controlled no more by him and it feels good

  13. It’s been 8 months since I left my SP. Even though I was the one who left the relationship I went through a lot of sadness. Not until December did I have days without tears. I did notice that I do occasionally go into a deeper level of sadness only to come out the other side more healed. I suppose these episodes are grieving episodes that are enabling me to let go of the relationship a little more each time they happen. I am almost there though I did have a recent slip in initiating contact. I sent an email saying that I was reaching out to ask that we be friends in spirit. That there were good parts of our relationship and that to throw the baby out with the bathwater would senseless. That we might want to let go our animosity we may have for each other. She did reply and thanked me and appreciated the notion. It actually was a kind reply. This was cathartic for me in that I realized that I was actually checking for her reaction to get reassurance that she still wants me. That was my core wound that she soothed in me. A deep need to be wanted. She definitely satisfied that in me. So even though the experience has been painful I would not have uncovered my core wound if I hadn’t been in a relationship with her. I feel a sense of gratitude to her. My healing continues though it’s now growth instead of recovery.

  14. OK, I need help. It’s the 3d post today, sorry positiva, it’s been a weird day but I couldn’t put my finge on the reason why.
    Can it be the new relationship I’m in? Am I seeing sociopaths in everybody? Or was I mistaken in thinking I had healed? this guy started out nice. But now… I don’t know if it’s me being scared or him not being “good”. He is a cool person. But he seems a bit…emotionally cold. I am hyperemotional, I have this high sensitivity thing, so I don’t expect everybody to be as sensitive as me. But still…Example: I have problems deciding what to do: like, A or B? it used to be worse, now it’s almost OK. Actually, it hasn’t happened for a long time. But then it has happened three times in a row, and always with him. So: is it because he tries to make me do what he wants by manipulating me? “I’ll do what you want…but I prefer to do B.” IDK. Last time, I cried. I didn’t like it. Was it me? Or was it him? My sister told me “You are allowed to have this flaw [that I can’t decide between going to the lake and goint to the seaside]”. He also told me I should “learn a lesson” and get over this. like, even if we end up doing the thing I less preferred, I should be OK with it. This sounded weird.
    I told him I am who I am, I’m not going to learn any lesson. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me! But he says he worries “it will always be like this”. I told him he can decide if he is OK with me being “like this”, if not, bye bye. But I worry now.

    What’s going on? Am I exhaggerating? Or should I pull the plug? He is also a person who doesn’t take care of himself and his house, just like my Socio ex, plus he works a lot. But may be I am just cosntantly comparing everybody to my ex: there’s plenty of people who don’t take care of themselves but are nice.
    Another thing though…I said “I’m not in the mood for sex” and he insisted. Not in a bad way, not at all, and in the end I was in the mood, he’s takes a lot of care, etc…but still. I told him I just wanted to cuddle and he told me “what’s cuddling?” (mind you, English isn’t his first language…but still).

    I know I should trust my gut: but my gut doesn’t have an answer. I am just confused 😦

    1. Hey please trust your gut. You didn’t go through what you did for no reason. First of all, unless the new guy was a socio, he wouldn’t be the same as the socio was, other guys can seem cold and distant in comparison, as they aren’t busy lovebombing you and don’t particularly want to own and control you.

      Anyway, things are not feeling good with this guy? Take some time out to breath. If anyone is right for you, then they need to respect who you are too. It sounds to me, like you want to put boundaries, but he is ignoring those boundaries, crossing the line and this is making you feel uncomfortable. Please remember it won’t be you setting boundaries that will make you feel uncomfortable, other people not respecting them, and crossing the line will. Trust your gut feeling and intuition.

      1. Thank you for being there. I can’t tell you how you help me (us).

        I’ve separated from this man. He was, as you so well said, pushing my boundaries, and I could feel that, and it scared me and may be insecure. He has a different religion, I should have known. But he was sweet and kind: and I felt “with him life could be easy, things could go smoothly”. Always this need for things to not hurt. I think there lies our weakness, we’ve been hurt so much sometime, somewhere, that we run from pain and are addicted to numbing, deep down we always hope for the fairy-tale. Good thing that I am also stubborn and I was telling me who I am, all the time, and pushing back. I’ll go back to concentrating on myself and my carreer, and remain emotionally open, risk safely, and grow.
        xoxo

      2. Hi Misa, I am interested in what you say about ‘how life could be easy, things go smoothly, and life not to hurt’…… would you say that in your past, you had a history of life hurting?

        I am not trying to blame you, I am hopefully trying to help you see that he was never the fixer of you, this gift lies within you.

  15. Thank you. Now i know what can attract them and i can have a good view of what’s left to fix. Easy.

    I feel like i’m not interesting enough, not funny enough, not smart enough. While being overly attached. (Aka not good enough to justify the other person feelin the same way about me)

    The core wound being me being not desirable enough.

    Which is obviously a mistake and a lie, i have enough to offer. So i’m replacing these liés in me with the truth :

    I am desirable. I am smart. I am interesting
    I am funny. I am caring. I am hot. And sexy.

    This is me.
    And i’m good enough to be loved as i am.

    1. One thing that can help with this David, is to focus on right now and today. Then to focus on gratitude. This is gratitude for everything in your life. Ignoring the things that you don’t have. Be grateful for the things that you do have. Be grateful for the world you live in. This will help to remove negativity, if you practice it daily. Even down to being grateful for the bed that you sleep in, the bedding, water in the tap.. When you focus on these things it does make you realise how lucky you are, however small.

      This will help you to shift your change of self. How you feel about you, how you perceive yourself, and your value within the world. Hopefully it will help you to see, that you are valuable, you are worthy, you do have a place, and you are very special. And … most importantly you have a lot to offer. This should help you to get a sense of self worth. Which should help with your self confidence, and self esteem,.

      You are right, it is a lie. You have just made an interesting thoughtful comment to me. Well done to you, keep going with this. You are not the label that someone who was not worthy of you, placed upon you. You are worth so much more 🙂

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