The most important thing to a sociopath is control. A victim is of no use, if they are unable to be manipulated and controlled. When a sociopath feels that he is truly losing control you will see the mask ‘slip’ and a narcissistic rage can occur.
What this means is that the sociopath can feel real or perceived injury by you ignoring him, or doing something which they think has injured their pride, or by doing an action that lets them think that you will leave them, in fact anything at all. The sociopath does not like to lose control.
The first time that you witness this rage, it can be quite alarming. After all, all you have seen up until this point, is Mr calm, Mr smooth, Mr charm, Mr in control, Mr perfect, Mr ‘tell you, all that you want to hear’.
When the sociopath loses grip of control, the character will change. Not only will the character change. You will witness a change in the face, the eyes become empty, often dark, black even. Colour will drain from the face, and the facial muscles will be tight with tension. The atmosphere will be tense, and you could feel threatened and frightened.
What you witness when the mask slips, is a man who shouts, who yells, and who gaslights. The sociopath is threatening, angry and confrontational. When you witness narcissistic rage the sociopath looks different, and acts different. It is like there are two different people. The sociopath is always two different people. The persona that you see (that is manipulating you) and the one that you rarely see – the one that is behind the mask.
You might be confused, and wonder what it is that you have done wrong? The truth is, that you have done nothing wrong. This is the real person behind the mask, it is the person that you will witness repeatedly, when the sociopath feels that they are losing control. When you assert your own right, your own personality, when you try to grow yourself away from him, the sociopaths desire for control becomes more desperate, and narcissistic rage will occur. The sociopath will
- Minimise your experiences with others
- Invalidate your feelings
- Gas light you and try to make you feel bad or guilty for wanting to do something else
- Become angry and try to make you feel guilty
- Falsely accuse you of crazy things that have no bearing on reality
- Shout
- Try to hem you in, and pin you down
- Invade your personal space
- Facial features, including eyes and facial muscles will visibly change
I can only describe the narcissistic rage, as a meltdown of insanity. Words and accusations make no logical sense, and you protest your innocence. But this is another form of manipulation designed to control you and manipulate you. Remember that the sociopath is about control, and he uses mind control to own you. He uses fear to control you. At no time will the sociopath cause more fear than when you witness narcissistic rage.
What might surprise you, is that just as suddenly as the sociopath can have a narcissistic rage meltdown, he can equally regain composure, and return swiftly back to the charming, useful, helpful person that he was before. If you wish to challenge the behaviour. The sociopath will not want to talk about it. They will act as if it never happened. Sometimes this experience can feel quite eerie, and can make you question your own feelings, and your own sense of rational thought.
If you truly knew that this simmering need for control, and inner energy was behind him all of the time, he would risk losing you. The sociopath will not risk losing you before he had used you up for all of his source of supply, this would be his loss. Sociopaths do not like losing. The relationship will end, when the sociopath decides that it will end.
Sociopaths always have an agenda. Whilst sociopaths are out of control, you are witnessing this loss of control. Do not think that this is not pre-meditated. It is always planned the sociopath knows exactly what they are doing. They control through fear and nothing is more scary than the narcissistic rage. This is where you experience ‘crazy’. You might feel overwhelmed when you are on the receiving end of narcissistic rage. You might feel confused, at this sudden change of character, you will certainly feel intimidated and possibly frightened.
You might feel bitter and resentful towards the sociopath for hurting you, but the sociopath will:
- Gas light you to make you believe that it was your fault
- Tell you that it was something that you did wrong
- Tell you that you are making a bigger scene than is really necessary
If you have just been on the receiving end of this, pay attention. You are seeing a brief glimpse of the real man behind the mask, and what he really thinks of you. His real feelings of contempt for you. It will not be a one off either. As this is the real man and you will witness this again, and again and again. Pay attention, because at the time of narcissistic rage, the sociopath is showing more of his true self to you, than he does at any other time.
WARNING: You are more at risk of violence – at the time of narcissistic rage, than any other time. At the time of narcissistic rage, the sociopath is not only fearing losing control of you. They also lose control of themselves. A total lack of self control.
Copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
OH MY, it’s been 7 years for me, seven years of a living hell and I was so in love and so understanding that it blinded me from what my partner actually was.
I had made notes on my calendar throughout the years every time something happened, and only until now have I understood what I was going through. It’s a very sad situation when you realize you have wasted years of your life and have shed so many tears & depression over a person who basically just uses you & manipulates your heart, your mind and your life – for nothing but the fact that they have no conscience and they truly do have a psychological problem they cannot fix. Sadly they do not realize how much they hurt others, and that part alone is the scariest thought because they will continue their lives doing this to other pour souls who cross their path.
I’ve been through it all:
– lies about his home life, stated he was ‘separated’ only a year later did I find out he was married still living with his wife
– lied about his job which was non-existant
– flirted with friends/strangers alike to the point of starting orgies
– problems with strangers, as he is very blunt and does not care what he says to people
– problems with police officers, throwing water bottles, hot dogs, whatever he has in his hands after the bar and starts trouble
– always centre of attention, the joker, the one who goes on stage and entertains everyone
– very high sex drive / attractive man
– promiscuous nature, finding out months sometimes a year later of girls he met online/bar which he had one night stands with or a relationship with
– loving, kind towards me but within a week or two always dealt with verbal abuse over one issue or other which he caused
– blamed me for problems which arised due to his own actions
– never met his close friends or buddies or family members to see his other life (he always kept his personal life separate, there was always one reason or another of why it wasn’t possible over the years)
– puts people against you, alienates you from your family and friends until all you have is him
– drinking problem, alcohol which made him grab women in bars (breasts, bottom etc) in front of me caught when I wasn’t looking or when he thought i wasn’t around, and there were many times it was done in front of my face & I was told it was just ‘fun’ and drunkeness that made him do it
– as much as i have a good heart, am shy, very attractive as a woman, it did not matter to him to lie in my face and have no empathy that he was hurting me with other women
– there were times i had proof of his lies and I wouldn’t let him know what I knew & I watched him casually tell me otherwise like it was second nature, it hurt to see this knowing the truth
– always stated he was in love with me and wanted to marry me, but constantly cheated and lied nonetheless out of just pure thrill, I believe they unknowingly get some type of high from this to others, the lying & cheating is exciting
– very intelligent, yet uses this to their advantage to manipulate others
My last day was two weeks ago, I waited on him all day for a ‘weekend’ he supposedly wanted to spend with me..
Friday night excuse was he forgot about a friends husband’s birthday party (i wasn’t able to go as i live an hour away) I later found out he was at a bbq party with friends and women he had associations with.
Saturday comes along, I received many excuses in the morning as to why I was unable to join him at an ‘antique show’ due to him going early at 8am with family, he ended up not going at all as I later found out he as at this party from the night before and was still enjoying the festivities the next day and was lying to me all along.
I spend the day cleaning my home, changing my sheets, buying groceries for our weekend, buying his favorite wine.. he finally showed up at 7:30pm, said he was tired and wanted to stay in, he wanted to sit in the car when I sat in to let me know of his day while we were parked, I stated I did not want to sit in a hot car to listen to him tell me about his day, I suggested we could go to a book store if he was tired, sit and have a coffee and he can tell me of his day and then we can go home and hang in if he was tired.
I was stuck most of my day indoors, waiting on him and doing things for us in preparation, it wasn’t too much to ask to step out.
Mind you at this time I had already known where he spend Friday night and most of Saturday and I was sad, and because I loved him so much I didn’t bring it up not to upset him.
Well, as we are driving within 10min he gets angry because he wants to tell me about his day (his lies, not the truth).. I had expressed to him only that I would have liked to join him at the antique show Saturday morning ( I had asked the night prior but he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed) in the morning he just ignored what I said & left without me.. keep in mind you I said this calmly, lovingly and politely, as I do not like seeing his anger. Well within 10min into our ride, after me stating only that I would have liked to join him and wished he would have planned it with me – HE BLOWS UP, starts to get upset hitting & banging at the steering wheel yelling and screaming at me of how much stress he has coming from all angles (as he lives with his parents and has a daughter from previous marriage that only lasted 2yrs) as he is doing this acting like a psychotic maniac, he utters ‘im turning around and going home, i had enough of this sh#t’ WOW
For the first time, I snapped, I don’t know what happened, with his yelling and telling me he was going home after the day I had I immediately opened the car door as he was driving along the lakeshore, I wanted to get out.
I have never done that before or acted that way the mere shock of what he had done and how he was treating me in my face, knowing full well he is lying to me, was something I will never forget.
He was in the center lane and he pulled over within a minute and watched me get out. Now, I know he is lying as I received photo proof of where he was and with whom, he knows he is lying but doesn’t realize I know, and yet he still treated me that way? UNBELIEVABLE
It took me a little over a half hour to get home walking. Not once did he try to stop me from getting out of the car, he didnt come looking for me, but he did text me in capital letters how I could have caused an accident (we were barely going 20km at the time), and how I could have ruined his career (which he does not have, he is still going to college, his 3rd attempt, failing some courses already) but this is how narcissistic sociopaths are.. this is what they do, this is how they treat you and it was not the first time.
Sadly this happened once before after waiting on him most of the day, preparing for his arrival, he never showed up & cancelled on me using the excuse that I didn’t want to drive half way and meet him..
I never responded to any of his texts after he made me walk home in the cold that night, I felt worthless, I realized I had been fooled for 6 years.I was numb on my walk home in disbelief that this has been my life
He has sent me angry emails and texts since this happened, it’s been 2 weeks – I have not responded to any (as he enjoys the blame game and arguing to the point where he wont make you sleep for a week just from you trying to wrap your brain around all the harsh words and put downs he throws at you).
I always forgave him, for many many things he has done to me, in front of me and behind my back..
I guess it took for me to watch him lie to me for days knowing the truth, and it crushed me and devastated me to watch him do this to my face and not have a care in the world of how he was deceiving me and lying to me. It took this last time for me to actually realize the relationship was all a lie – I was faithful and loving and in it wholeheartedly, he wasn’t.
As hard as it is, and has been, I have not contacted him, I have changed my number and I am having a difficult time because throughout the years he has alienated me from my family and my friends. I am alone more than ever, but I had to do this, my life, my self esteem, my self worth is all gone.
Sadly, the peace and solace I feel not reading or hearing his harsh words towards me, degrading me & not listening to the constant lies & stories, not being manipulated any longer, and not spending nights and weekends worrying or stressing over issues he brings into my life – has been the first feeling of peace I have felt in a long time.
It’s a daily struggle trying to forget, trying not to call or text, because I was in love, this was what I believed to be my soulmate, my life. But it was nothing but a lie, I was just one of many, for no other reason but the fact that he cannot control his sociopathic nature.
I don’t know what the future will hold for me, I don’t know if I will fully recover, I don’t know if I will ever heal from this, but I am going to try – it’s all I have left to save myself from this.
For those of you who have experienced a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath
Good Luck to you all & God Bless you all
Debra, we could have been dating the same man. It is likely that he has repeated this behaviour over and over again. You just didn’t see it before.
I stayed friends with mine for a year afterwards. I was writing this blog too (that he read) – he has read every word I have written. Yet he would still do the same thing over and over – that is how crazy it is.
At least you can see the truth. The truth will always set you free. thank you for taking the time to share your story.
How is everything for you now? Are you still not in contact with your ex?
Are you asking Debra or me April?
I think I was also married to that same guy. . So much sounds just like the life I’ve held for the past 6 years. . I have now since asked him to leave the house, 4 days before xmass,and most of his stuff is gone, I’m getting the silent treatment from him now, which is more than fine with me. I don’t respond back any longer
Good for you not responding back. They are like children and like to sulk. Or sometimes their energies are focused to find someone new.
I am experiencing the same thing now that’s why i came across this site trying to search for something that might help me understand my boyfriend. i love him very much that im still willing to understand what he’s going through. Cuz for me im trying to understand people deeply like to know from where this kind of things began in the first place, whats his foundation and his childhood experiences. My friends got tired of giving me advises since the first time i complied to them about my issue with my boyfriend for having this kind of behavior and i was so blind or should i say i chose to be blind and stupid for ignoring things and words he’s throwing me every time. i can also say I’m living like hell but I’m loving it because I’m loving him so even if its getting more and more hurting and more and more painful deep inside me I’m still trying to cope up with him and still trying not to give up on him. But then, 2 nights ago we had a fight. i was so frightened by him when he came to visit me outside my flat got into his car and he started screaming at me. I was so shocked that he hit me on my head and suddenly i found myself crying and just asking him in a very low tone “why did You hit me?” over and over again that’s the only words coming out of my mouth cuz I ddnt expected that. But I saw in his face that he was also shocked for what he did (hitting me). Thats the time that I told myself “this is too much” “i cannot continue with this anymore” i told my friends the same thing but they gave me ultimatum like “i bet you, tomorrow they’re back together again” “shes’s just saying that but the truth is she misses him” “she’s thinking about him” i told them “no, not anymore, after what he did? No way!” but then I’m lying to myself cuz I know the truth is, they are right.
I keep on asking myself why i still want to stay in this relationship? hoping that he will change in time? Its my fault that’s why he became like that. But his actions or shall we call it “punishments” are too much. But, I love him so much and I want to help him to the best of what I can. Like what I’m always telling him I will never give up on him cuz I understand what’s he’s been through. And the only person who can stay with him and understands him is the one who knows him from the very deep.
Upon sharing this experience of mine I’m seeking for your kind advise. I need someone who can understand my situation which no one from my circle can cuz all they want me to do is get rid of him and walk away from him.
Maryam, I completely understand you here,I do. I know these feelings you have and honestly the best advice is – Run! Don’t walk.
I know that’s not what you want to hear…but it’s true.
Did he respond to you when you asked him why he hit you?
The “shock” you saw in him, could have been his dark stare…since you think much differently than him, you may interpret him differently than what is reality.
You *want* him to be…shocked…sorry…but it simply isn’t so.
It may change in time…yes…For the worse.
*love*
Hi! i really appreciate your response,. for sure i am trying to keep my distance and instill bad memories in my head rather than always thinking about the good times. and as we all know no one can help us cure the pain inside us but ourselves its has to start within us. Yes, maybe it’s so hard and painful for now cuz its just a week ago since I ended up with him i tried ignoring him not responding to his messages and im glad that i did and inshallah soon i’ll forget. and made me feel not alone cuz at least i can release this feeling with people who understand and going through the same. Please help me recover from this pain as soon as possible for sometimes I really dont like whats running on my head. i mean its tragic so im trying to avoid thinking but its just so hard.
I had the exact same experiences!!
This is my mother’s behavior towards me yet she has little attempt to display this towards my brothers.
😦 sorry Christine….
I’m sorry to hear that as well, my heart goes out to you. I would like to thank you for your comment as it brought a revalation in me, that perhaps I attract that type of persona necause it is what I am used to, as my mother was also cold towards me as well, but loving towards my male siblings.
I hope to heal & I wish the same for you and good fortune, you deserve to live a happy life – we only have one, make it happy for you, do something for yourself now & change your world. Thats what I aspire to & you should too, God bless
Hello Debra
Think about it you are not alone .. I read your letter and my husband treat me the same way … It’s just a game for them .. The like that your suffer sadistic peaple ( sick minded) dictators !!!! Leaving is the best option not easy but the best you can do Debra
They get they karma back and I know
Keep strong Debra like I do
My Ex did this in front of my Family now and then so they got a glimpse. They would say, he doesn’t get mad at you like that, does he??? Well, he didn’t. For the longest time. And then when I started standing up for myself, demanding the alcohol money be made available as food money, or that he come home at night etc? Then it turned onto me, and it wasn’t pretty. I left and it wasn’t easy.
Hello,
I would like to tell anyone that realized that are victims of the narcissist abuse, not to gave up, it really get’s better.
When I became aware of the fact that the last 7 years of my life where a lie, that my husband never loved me, that I was just a trophy and he did what he wanted with me and I even praised him for this, was awful. I was destroyed, I would cry almost everyday, have nightmares, do comfort eating and it heart so much that I just wanted to die.
But when I went to bed, I would say as a mantra that I am strong and I will get over it.
The most difficult part was to go over and over again through my past and analyze everything, I wanted to know why?
10 month later, I am good, I feel happy, I even got 70% of the money that he borrowed and I am fighting for all of it. He got into the narcissist anger and he want’s to force me to have a baby and to quite my job, he threatens to divorce. But not this time, I am strong now, I don’t believe his lies anymore and it feels great, I know that my fight isn’t over yet, until I got the divorce and I never see him again.
I am not going to stop here, I am going to find a healthy,normal person that I am going to love and is also going to love me for real.
So, please don’t loose hope, this is your chance to build a better you and if I done it ( I was suicidal), you can do it to, be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself.Good luck!
Hi Nemira,
Thank you for sharing your story and offering hope. It is good to hear that you are doing well!! 🙂
The strongest survive nemira!!!! Thx for sharing
Thank you vera x
“The first time that you witness this rage, it can be quite alarming. After all, all you have seen up until this point, is Mr calm, Mr smooth, Mr charm, Mr in control, Mr perfect, Mr ‘tell you, all that you want to hear’.”
No kidding! I could not have written that better myself. And the boo-hoo’s afterwards of I love you, I’m sorry, you’re my life. BS. Too bad I didn’t catch on after the first episode of grabbing my neck and tossing me onto the couch… am I the only one who wants a do-over to stand my ground this time and say “I DON’T THINK SO’ from the onset?
Yes the change in personality is stunning. I have never witnessed crazy as much as I did with the narcissistic rage. Always it was about control. Either establishing control or fear of losing control. Always this was the time he lost control of himself. Was spooky, eerie and scary. Was the only time I felt fear. The longer we were together the more regular the narc rage was witnessed.
Yes it is scary and surprising too! The first time I saw it I thought, “What happened to the charming guy I fell in love with?”
I remember the first time it happened, being shocked and stunned. I couldn’t believe it. He was just so ‘cold’ and there was nothing that had caused this to happen. Nothing that I had done. he was just showing his true self without the mask. I witnessed it over and over again. So many times. Like two different people.
His eyes changed colors, his facial expressions changed, the yelling, the words that he spoke were terrifying. I swear i saw demons in his eyes. I knew there was no help for him. Its sad but only God can save him from others and himself!
I am going through something horrible. I am not sure if she’s a sociopath or more of a psychopath. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and it was 5 years when this started. He had met an ex gf at a time when we were having trouble in our marriage. I had cheated on him so he was mad and the next year cheated back on me with her. I will call her ms. crazy. I found out her husband had died 2 months before she met my husband after years. See they had dated years ago before we were together. So after 8 years of seeing my husband again from the day she met him she claimed she was in love with him. She texted me all the time saying she and my husband were having an affair she claims my husband loves her and not me and called me names. When my husband and kids would go out together she would go in a jealous rage and text and call my phone at least once or twice a month. Last year because I ignored her texts she came to our house and left her finger prints on my neck and I made a police report she sent me a text saying she should have choked me. So i started reading up on how to get rid of crazy people I came across sociopath and psychopath articles. She even claimed she was pregnant for him and she spent all this money on him and gave him money so he could buy me things. When she texted my husband she always had two personalities. She would talk nice to him about how she missed him and loved him then out of the blue she would tell him go enjoy his whoring wife and son who doesn’t belong to him. See my older son I came into my marriage with him. So we have another son that we share though. I think she’s more using me as the victim because I got attacked while she just tells my husband to go to hell. My husband did sleep with her once but she claims it’s more then it is. She screams messages at my voice mail all the time when I don’t answer. The day she attacked me it was because I ignored her text and calls. She even went as far to as create a facebook profile using my husbands name and put up pics of them and wrote statuses like it’s time to divorce my wife so I can start my new life with my gf. She uses the site to harass me on. I made her take it down or else the cops would have.
Reblogged this on thephoenixagain.
The closest I ever saw to rage was after a fight one night, he was driving us home, and he looked at me and said “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” — and the look on his face — he looked scary, like he was about to snap. I’d never seen that look from him before and it freaked me out. I was afraid he would drive the car into a tree or something. I downplayed it and said ‘well, I have to leave you at some point, I have to go feed my cats.’ Situation defused. Oh, he also had a temper tantrum when I didn’t answer my front door when he was out there. I didn’t hear the doorbell, but I heard him POUND on the door. I asked him, very condescending, ‘did you have a temper tantrum?’ He just grunted, his usual form of communication. Yeah so I guess more than rage he would have child like tantrums.
HE? SHE! This side comes out when drunk… Drinking for some people is just an excuse to let their mental illness out to play and then say “I was just drunk”… No, liar, drink doesn’t put it there in the first place, it just brings it out!
Hi Positiva, I think this blog is one of the best.
This is important to realize … And it is terrifying when it happens.
I am still so grateful for this place…I need to read this in order to keep myself in check when he isn’t in rage state…trying to negotiate with him still for my belongings so I have to tread so careful and keep this reality in mind at all times.
Also want to comment about the mothers who only show affection to the boys, both my grandmother and mother were and are still this way.
Thank you Freyja. I think that there are plenty of mothers out there, who cant see that their sons do any wrong at all.
Oh yes. My Ex would say…” I was raised by a femminist, how could I be the one holding you down? And …if your miserable or heartbroken, you are doing it to yourself. It’s about time you learned this lesson”. Meanwhile I was paying all the bills, buying and cookinf all the food, keeping the social calendar, cleaning, home improvements…etc. Mr. Femminist faught me on every level. He would contribute minute crumbs just to say he did and accuse me of never being satisfied, my expectations were impossible, not appreciating him. Once I figured out the amount of money he was spending on booze and pot I confronted him. 600 a month! The face change was real.As soon as whatever words came out of my mouth. We had a counselor give us an exercise in listening. Repeat exactly what the other just said. Sometimes it would take him 3 attempts and then I would have to repeat it so he could hear it again. She got frustrated and had us quit. His interpretations were always WAY off and maliciously laced with me putting him down. No Sir, that is your own voice, not mine! I also would catch him talking to himself, sometimes with other voices. He would argue with me when I wasn’t there. I found this out during one of his ” punishment phases”. He said he was angry because I’d been chewing his ass for the last 2 days. I hadn’t even seen him….and I was sleeping in the spare bedroom! When I pointed that out he looked so confused! Truth! 6 months divorced. 2 months no contact. The effects are still lingering but, weekening with each day. I feel sorry for the new gf but I am grateful she is taking his attentions, now. Poor thing has no idea what lays in wait for her.
this is EXACTLY what happened to me three weeks ago with my husband. It was like he became this other person. The mask slipped and the creepiest person was underneath. Everything changed for me in that moment. He said the most horrible things to me that anyone has EVER said, and I thought….’this is what he REALLY thinks of me’. I was completely terrified. I said nothing, left the room and quietly went about putting things in place to leave. One week later I moved out and went no contact. It has been one month now and I am still seeing the creepy real person under the mask. I hope I never hear or see him again. No one has ever freaked me out so badly.
Hi Marissa, welcome to the site. It is like the stillness…. the calm, that is eerie…. deathly but the noise is shattering also. I was scared during those times. More scared than at any time in my life – and what was more frightening was seeing just how he ‘got off’ and was excited by my fear 😦
I understand what you’re going through and its really scary but Alhamdulillah i already got out of this situation and moved on from him. but still sometimes i remember him but without any feelings of hate or fear, not at all. I honestly feel bad about him and still hoping that he and his mother are doing well despite of everything that he’s done to me. Still praying for them.
I know scary..
There’s so much written about sociopaths out there, and the most interesting thing is that there are thousands of people describing their experiences with sociopaths and it all sounds like they all describe the same person. That’s how similar sociopath behaviors are. Everything in this article is true. One thing caught my attention though that’s the facial expression thing. Sociopaths face during their narcissistic rage is something. You can never repeat it, and you can only see that facial expression when they are in their narcissistic rage. It looks like one of those faces from horror movies when actors play some ghosts or other scary characters and they try so hard to scare the viewers. That’s the facial expressions sociopaths make. You get just so terrified looking in that face and seeing those eyes. Even though it at times gets funny seeing that facial expressions over and over again you still get that weird feeling. Their reactions are almost like of a wild animal when later try to scare off their enemies.