Wherever you are in your life today. Try to focus on today, and to make plans for the future.
Sociopaths are sneaky, devious, lying, manipulative, cheating, using, betraying, snakes in the grass. Ha and this was me being ‘polite’.
If the sociopath is being nice, always this is because they want something. Imagine that, spending your time with someone who is always lying to you. Always playing a game, seriously? You don’t need that kind of drama in your life!
Creating a new world
It doesn’t matter if you have NOTHING left of your life. It doesn’t matter if the Sociopath stole your life, your friends, your reputation, your finances, your home, your personality. It really doesn’t matter. Well, of course, it matters, life would be far easier if you hadn’t met them, and their lying, cheating, sneaky ways. You might feel that the time that you spent together, you achieved nothing. Nothing but ‘drama’ and being a one person audience member to the actor/ress that is the Sociopath. But believe me, you have achieved far more than you realise!!
You have learned a lot of survival skills. These survival skills are going to carry you forward, and make your life more brilliant than it ever was before.
If you are grieving, heartbroken and sad, you might not see this yet. You might think that I am lying. You might think, that I am being wildly optimistic. You might even want their lying cheating ways back in your life. Even if you are sure the Sociopath loved you (as much as a Socio can love). STOP !!….. don’t go along that pathway. This isn’t the direction that you are heading in. Being with a sociopath is merely just a sideways step in life. One where you will go round in circles and achieve NOTHING.
Do not contact them (don’t feed the trolls)
Do not give them any of your time today
Stop thinking of the ‘happy’ times (as these times were all manufactured for THEIR benefit, not yours)
Instead, let’s think of reality! What does the reality of dating a sociopath look like? (you might need to take off your rose coloured glasses for this one).
Daily life being with a sociopath
- You are lied to
- You are manipulated
- You have no control over your own life
- You are dictated to, dominated, owned and possessed
- You will never achieve anything of your own
- You will constantly have someone attached by your side, MONITORING your every movement
- Natural joy, upliftment, happiness and fun is removed, and replaced by ‘sociopath entertainment’
- You lose friends and family out of your life
- It costs you a lot of money
- Life will go round in a circle
- You live with false hope, that is dictated to, by a liar
- Your view of the world is distorted
- You are lied to
- You are lied to
- You are lied to
You get the picture, and I am sure that you can think of some more that I haven’t covered. Being lied to, manipulated, deceived and controlled on a daily basis. Is NO fun. No, it sucks the life out of you. It takes away your natural ability to feel joy for anything else. It almost certainly stops you from being successful in you own right.
You become, well like a slave. You might not know this. In fact the sociopath might even play the image of being YOUR slave. But this is, just an illusion.
How to get back yourself – how to get back your life
The First thing that you need to do, is to LET GO. Realise that this person is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. No they will not change, because they cannot change. It is in their brain. Likely they had similar relationships before you, and indeed they will have similar relationships after you. It is nothing to do with you. What happened to you is NOT your fault!
When you let go, you might feel this huge empty space. A space, that you think will only be healed by the sociopath. If you look back, you could feel that the only way to feel normal, and happy, is to be with them?
This is another lie. A lie that was peddled to you by the sociopath. It wasn’t that they were the only ones to make you happy. It is because they remove anything else in your world that naturally brings you joy and happiness. They suck natural happy out of you, and your life. So that you THINK that they are the ones who are making you happy. Again, this is just an illusion. In this post, we will not be sprinkling any more sociopath illusion dust.
To get YOU back, you need to go to the places that reflect the TRUE YOU.
- Old friends who knew you before Socio (who isn’t mutual friends) people you knew for a long time
- Family
- Old hobbies
- Focusing on work, where you use skills, that you had before meeting the sociopath
- Films that you watched that made you happy BEFORE you met the sociopath
- Children
- Art and creative activities
- Sport to burn off your anger
- Travel
How to get your feelings out without breaking no contact
What really happens when you start to let go. Take today as a new day, and focus on you and your life?
When you let go, the twisted reality of the world that the sociopath forced you to live in. Is gone. Instead you are faced with your own reality. At first, this can be incredibly painful. Particularly if you have been isolated from everybody, and faced considerable losses. In the very beginning, your world, is still partially altered by their brainwashing.
See Sociopath mind control, how it works and its effects on you
Why connecting to the past REALLY works!!
Some of you might not have given up their entire world for the Sociopath. Some of you might have kept your lives intact. For others, they were isolated, and separated from what naturally gave them joy (the Sociopath is jealous, insecure, and didn’t want anyone else to steal you away) is also competitive too, and likes to be the ONLY one to make you ‘happy’
Connecting to the past works. It works because, in your past connections, skills, hobbies, interests, you are shown a different mirror image. Your friends/family know the old you the real and true you, who was free thinking and not manipulated and controlled. I recall (this is how twisted my head was and how brainwashed I was), going out on my birthday after we had split with my family. I remember being elated, just how much fun these people were, how cool they were, how much I loved them….. In a moment, I stopped and thought, ‘hang on these people are my FAMILY’ this isn’t anything new, this is who I was, BEFORE I met him.
Going back to the past will reflect back the truth of you. Not the distorted mirror image that was given to you. This, helps to undo brainwashing and mind control, as other people, can feed back who you really are. Even doing a job with old skills can offer you this too.
The sociopath will do all that they can, once they have captured you, to keep you away from anything that reflects the TRUTH about who you are. This is how they take ownership and control of somebody. This is why you struggle to move forward.
The only truth, was YOU. The truth of you, does not lie in the past with the sociopath. To heal, you need to go back further, to BEFORE you were abused.
How long does healing and recovery take? Really the choice is yours!! However long you want it to take!!
I promise that this does work. But you have to WANT to get away from them. You have to WANT to heal and recover.
All rights reserved Copyright Datingasociopath.com 2015.
Dating a Sociopath 
This is really true. I was just telling my friend todya that I have rrealized healing after a sociopath does , as this article syas, take as long as we want it to. I think we have to
Decide when we want the drama to be over. I think understanding what a sociopath is and that it wasn’t a rance helps cut the illusion of having been mistreated by someone who loved us. We weren’t because they didn’t – they don’tmlove anyone — and we could have been anyone! Going back to ourself & no contact are the other 2 parts to healing. I know so much more about life after marrying the circus freak sociopath I married. All I can do is look at it as a benefit — that’s how to build new happiness, and certainly that sounds nuts to someone just breaking up or escaping a sociopath, but… It is true, we can recover and be better than before.https://datingasociopath.wordpress.com/wp-admin/edit-comments.php#comments-form
Absolutely. Often it is pride that holds us back. Or wanting that perfection that only they can offer (as real people are not perfect). It can be difficult to get go of that illusion. Once you do, life is brighter, more colourful, more vivid. The sun starts to shine, you feel joy for normal things in life. It forces you to rebuild and to create a better life. Best of all, you don’t have to live in fear anymore. Love is not fear, it isn’t captivity, love should set you free. Love should help you to grow. This does work, it sounds simplistic, but really this is all that healing and recovery is about. Putting in new building blocks
Yes,totally agree…. Sink or swim!!!! They don’t care about how it’s left your mental state.
I’m a year down the line of me leaving…. It’s been a roller coaster ride.
I’m the one footing legal costs to fight what’s rightfully mine,but I’m determined I’ll do it. This keeps me going.
I haven’t set eyes on him since I left…. But I’ve had threats,and hundreds of emails from him,trying his controlling again and again.
I’ve dated other men,but still question things,I’m so desperate not be taken in again😡
Deep down I know that all people aren’t sociopaths,but it’s stuck in your brain like chewing gum!!!!
Something that has made it easier,is that I knew I didn’t love him anymore. He maintained he loved me,but I know now a sociopath never feels real love or empathy.
Sick sadistic leeches that they are!!!!!
Angry,yes I’m angry for letting someone do this to me,but I’m a survivor,that’s what keeps me going.
I am tentatively trying to rebuild my life. It’s been torture. I met my first and only husband in my late 30s. He was 16 years older than me. He had been married 4 times before – that says it all in hindsight. Within months I left close friends and family and moved abroad with him. We started a company together. It has been very successful. We built a chalet 2,000 feet up in the mountains where there is up to a meter of snow and the road is not cleared in the winter. I lived in COMPLETE isolation. The only thing that kept me going was work. My work is all over the email and telephone. For 7 years I shut down my feelings. My appearance changed as well as my whole self – I rarely saw anyone. I did not speak the language and there were 3 other chalets that families occupied during the summer months. I lost contact with all of my friends from back home and my sister to whom I was very close. I felt ashamed and trapped and rarely went out. I kept very focused and occupied with work – it kept me thinking rationally and kind of reinforced my wholly abnormal, fringe existence. My husband was always on business trips – you can guess what he was up to. I don’t know whether I knew and ignored it or just didn’t care. I kept Allnof my feelings silent and buried in my subconscious because if I let them surface I became a paranoid wreck and I did not want my husband to see my weakness. Secretly I loathed him but I managed to keep everything superficial. Last year the mortgage on the chalet was paid and about the same time I came across erotic photos, emails etc in the work server. I knew I was leaving but had no plan etc. I called my sister in the UK and told her everything – funny thing was that she kind of knew. She supported me on Skype throughout. I confronted my husband calmly about the women, the mistresses etc and he was as cool as a cucumber about the whole thing. He knew the drill – I was wife no 5 after all. He left the chalet. I went into melt down and just worked day and night to keep sane. We continued our business but did not see each other. I spent yet another winter trapped under snow at the chalet but channelled every last inch of energy into work. My husband stopped payment of my salary. I sent him a bunch of cr@ppy texts and he issued criminal proceedings against me – big problem for me and our business as I am a lawyer and the criminal proceedings meant that I would have been suspended from practicing. His lawyer questioned my mental health. As I was doing most of the work in our company I could have called upon people to attest to my mental health but I did not want my professional life dragged into my personal life. In my professiona life, I could be rational, efficient etc – no one had any inkling of my dire circumstances as it was all phone and email. In court, he withdrew the proceedings saying it was a matrimonial dispute and he had not meant to bring criminal proceedings – a lie. He did not want to break our business but we were finished in any business relationship. On our first divorce hearing I had no access to any funding because my husband had stopped my salary and I went to a foreign court with an interpreter that I met 5 mins before. I got the interpreter to tell the court that I would not sign anything without legal advice. The judge was not happy to say the least. Eventually my husband released my salary but I had to agree to pay a bonus to him. By this time we were joint signatories on the company as I had destroyed the company credit cards and informed the bank that all company accounts must have joint signatories. I engaged a lawyer and appealed court’s ruling at the first hearing. I won the appeal with a cost order against my husband. Our client has set me up in my own business and our company is being liquidated. Our client has seen my husband for what he is thank goodness- a manipulating cheat who will go to ANY lengths to get what he wants. My husband now has no income and all of his capital is tied up in the chalet. I paid for half of the chalet so he cannot sell without my approval or the court orders the sale. The court will take up to 6 years here in Switzelrand to rule.
I have just moved away from the chalet, taken small office space near a major town and am beginning to find my way back to a life. I am extremely damaged and fearful. My social interaction for years has been zero so I am fragile and see ghosts everywhere and in everyone. I hide in my office working away and know that I have to venture out and join clubs and start living again but this is going to take time. This experience has fundamentally changed who I am and I wonder how and when this is all going to flow out of me, if ever. I have seen my sister loads and love being with her family unit. It is fun, safe and secure – a place to breathe. I have made contact with my friends from back home and this is all so far from anything that they have experience of but they are all out there which is really comforting. It’s good to hear all of their news and remember the old times.
I never knew what a sociopath was before my husband. He is dangerous and it has been the most frightening experience of my life. I know I will not have an intimate relationship again – something in me now has snapped and will never mend. I don’t mind as long as I have friends for good and bad times and hobbies.
For anyone who reads this and has had similar feelings to me like life is over and not worth living, somehow we get through it. Some things have amazed me like actually how resilient human beings are. i am not completely bitter and I have not lost all faith in humans but it will take time to get perspective and a long time to heal.
Oh Dear Sansa – Thank you for sharing your story. My heart was breaking for you as I read it. But you are coming back to yourself – and it is an inspiration for me, and I’m sure for others as well. I’m six months out from my breakup with the sociopath. I have good days and bad days. I feel very alone. I have family and old friends in another part of the country. I have no “real” friends where I now live. I know it will get better for me with time. I never knew what a sociopath was either until I met this man. What they do is criminal, although most of them move among us without detection. Like you, I am done with men. I can never trust again. The pain has been too great. Blessings to you for a content and peaceful future.
Great article. I am divorced from a psychopath. He was also physically and emotionally abusive. The problem is that we share joint custody of our children. Needless to say this means that I can never have “no contact”. This means that my life is still being constantly controlled and manipulated by him. He has made my life into a costly legal hell. I would like to see more articles on how to heal and co- parent with a psychopath. So far– I have found nothing. It is very overwhelming!
Hello Friends
It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything here. I still come to read mostly .
Next month by the end of it , I will be Sociopath free for two years . It was a long and painful road but I have emerged on the other side . My therapy will be over this Friday .
Positiva , in your last post was that little insert saying “loving you was like going to war , you will never be the same after that “. It is so true !
I’m not the same as before and I never will be because this experience has made me wiser more vigilant and stronger than I was before !
So ladies keep on going , you’ll get there too !!!
Love&Peace
hey lady bug, how good to hear from you. Wow 2 years!! Well done. Doesnt the light and sunshine come back in once you are free. Freedom is such a big word. One that you will never know with the sociopath. Ita good to know that you are doing well x
@POSITIVA…AGAIN A GREAT ARTICLE. BRAVO! !
Thank you NMI am hoping that I am going to find my ‘voice’ again, and lose my fear! I have a lot to say!! 🙂
Hey Positiva, luv your pic, btw, on your icon. You’re a pretty lady with a great head on her shoulders for continuing the crusade against these monsters. I have had yet another disaster with mine, who foolishly, I let back into my life for the zillionth time. It was a rough summer, was in hospital twice via ER due to some freak out with my innards! But, it was an experience, and I have never felt better, physically, in such a long time! So my HOT summer with him bouncing down to the hospital, flowers and strong ( seemingly sincere) sentiments. Whatever, I was weak and I did miss the physical connection ( which is the ONE thing we are good at)!
Now, only a little over a month, he discarded me last weekend without a peep. I did text him the last night I left from his place ( yes, I said something mean in retaliation to his cunning BS)! Oh, he can dish it out, but can’t take it! Still, I played dumb and mockingly sent him a voice mail next day, too, of apology. But he does this to me frequently- see the pattern? Fine when he does it, vengeance when I do. Whatever!
Actually, these past few days have given me the opportunity to reflect on where we are, where I am. My niece’s wedding is next weekend and he was supposed to go with me in another city. I was sort of waiting for the shoe to drop, thinking he won’t really go, he’ll create some sort of drama to get out of. My sis is tolerant of my dangling in the wires of his company, so to speak- but texting this out to her today I know it sounds messed up! Hell I admit that to her! But, I know this whole time it is but an illusion. He has no intention of making anything good long-term come of it. We cannot sleep together at each other places ( he snores and claims I am a distracting night owl! ). He complains about my newly remodeled house/furniture, even the way I garden! He loves on my cat, then turns around and says my house is dirty because of! I think, where could this ever go? the whole time we are together. He is going back to school online, too. I don’t even want to encourage him this time. I definitely don’t want to hear his ego when he finally gets his upgraded degree! What a blowhard! I suppose in his world I will always be “less than” as I only graduated HS. Don’t want to hear it, I am very smart, otherwise, very well-read, and hey- this is a brave new world. I did the best I could and I am not hurting.
He’s been implying that someone my age ( 16 years his senior) should be PAYING for his company, as the guy he left me for did. He brought this up the other day and led to me quipping, ” He was desperate to do that for your crazy ways”~ so ensue battle! Yes, I felt bad for saying, but seriously- it is true, and I do mean it.
Thanks for this piece this week! Good timing, I suppose I am single once again, and really I have been through this so many times I do not despair. I am relieved to be able to step back and get away from it, really. But whatever his intentions are, I know really it is best if we stay apart. Knowing how he is, that is easier said than done, but who knows? I am pretty disgusted with him doing this to me after my scare this summer, and I am so sick of hearing how he should be spoiled by me. Hell, I want someone to spoil me, maybe that is the problem! LOL
Peace,
Edaldude
PS- here is an interesting piece I saw yesterday! Thought it very appropriate for this site! Good luck, everyone!
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20150906-the-best-and-worst-ways-to-spot-a-liar
Ah brilliant, I am just writing a post, but will check out the video thank you Eldadude!!
How nice it is to hear from you. But not so nice, that you have been back on the merry go round. Didn’t I tell you that they always come back, like boomerangs, whenever their life is at a low ebb, they walz in like the tide. As if nothing has happened. Then waltz right back out again, when their needs are not being met, and to hell with you and your needs.
You know that this guy is a dick, don’t you? I don’t care about the size of his – and how good that is ha!!
What I mean is this guy has been running loops around you for a while (no pun intended) – at some point, you have to get off the merry go round, as you know, the right man cant get in, if the wrong man is in the way!!
Good to hear from you!. Am going to be back here writing again regularly now x
I have a friend who is being lied to about everything: his “company he owns, his number of marriages, his kids, his legal history, where he went to school. She lends him her car, and now he has moved into her house while he’s says he’s getting his new apartment ready. It was supposed to be 10 days but it’s been 4 weeks. He gives excuse after excuse. He was out of town for work, then his kids, now he’s got anxiety from totaling his car. The lies never stopped and she believes all of it. I have proof, in the form of court records and what I’ve been told during my investigation into him.
My other friend and husband think that we need to tell her what’s happening but I’m so afraid she won’t believe us or she will not want to be friends anymore. Whether its because she feels like we’ve attacked him, violated privacy or whatever. I don’t understand why he’s doing this to her but from what I’ve read on this (incredibly helpful) site, he sounds like a sociopath.
Any advice on whether to tell her, how to tell her, timing, etc? I’m at a total loss as to how to proceed but it’s eating me alive to see her thinking she’s happy when she’s being lied to about everything.
Hi, how lovely that she has such wonderful friends around her. If only everybody had friends like you. You are quite right, if she loves him, she might not believe you. But presenting her with the truth could help her. He will likely use this to isolate her from you. Please don’t take offence, if she withdraws from you and sees you as the enemy. They brainwash their victims, and it can be difficult to get away from them. It might be that if you present her with the truth, he might leave her, of which she could also blame you. I would recommend telling her, and providing any evidence that you have. Saying that you love and care about her. That you will be there for her, no matter what her decision is. The rest is time. Once they have you they can hang on for quite some period. Some decisions she makes might not seem rational. It also might feel she blames you. Try not to take this personally. What she needs in her life is wonderful friends like you, what she doesn’t need is someone who is hurting her – maybe take the time on an occasion when he has let her down (as they swing from wonderful/amazing to the pits) – to reveal to her. Likely he will lure her back in and smooth it over, but the truth will be there in her mind. Hopefully the truth will eventually set her free. What do you think he wants from her? As always they want something. Money? A place to stay? Sex? Attention? Always they want something and this will be her losses, which could be huge.
I think he’s getting a lot of what he wants from her-a place to stay, cars to use, rides places, sex, maybe attention although he doesn’t seem that interested in spending time with her. It’s so sad. My friend is pretty, a successful lawyer, runs a non-profit on the side and he has just totally duped her. We’re meeting to go over an action plan today so I will see where that leads us in telling her. I can’t see how she’d believe him over us but I know it happens. We have nothing to gain and only a friend to lose if we were the liars, but this jerk has a lot to lose if caught.
It sounds like she has a wonderful friend in you. She is very lucky.
OMG, this is exactly what I’m going through!! I just even wrote a blog about it! It’s a terrible point in my life…much worse than my abusive boyfriend several years back. Sociopathic relationships are the hardest to get over compared to “normal” relationships.
Hi Renee, yes they are difficult to get over. My next post I am working on, explains why. What they do, and what they attack within you, and why you experience confusion. Possibly staying for far longer than you ever should.
Omg !!! So many people still suffering from these parasites!!!!
I think we all feel the need to talk about it. Me,because I guess in my words,I’m shell shocked,that I ever got taken in by all this,and someone could actually convince me of his lies,and I stupidly like an idiot,believed them.
I’m trying to move on,and mostly I have up days,then a mega dip,but I think it’s natural.
I’ve got by with good friends,and no anti depressants. I’ve talked at length with my doctor and a psycoligist friend,to make me see sense of it all.
The only thing I feel angry about,is the fact that I met him when I was 45, and it’s taken me to 60, to have the guts to leave…. Wasted years.
Hopefully I’ll have one last stab at happiness. I have met someone else,but taking it slow,as I’m wary. Who knows where it’ll take me,but I’m happy.😊
I know Lynne, but that feeling doesn’t last forever. It is shocking when the truth finally comes out, and we admit it to ourselves. Sometimes the biggest liar, is the lie that we tell to ourselves.
We can keep ourselves hostage by continuing to lie to ourselves. This can stop us from moving on and moving forward.
I know that you are angry that you wasted 15 years with him. I know that you might be upset that you are now 60 and could have been with someone else – but you are now free, to live your life as you wish, to heal and recover. That is better than staying with someone until the end of your life who treats you this way. My grandmother died at 94, she would say someone who is 60 is ‘only young yet’ 🙂 true story!! I remember when my dad was 60 she said that!
A sociopath has ruined my life, Do to him I have had to endure sexual abuse, threats, I got a protection order that was broke numerous times, Infact he killed my cat. Everything that is being said about sociopaths he fits it to a T. To save his butt he is lying about me to the courts. I feel the only way for the courts to see how dangerous he is,is by killing myself. Then maybe they will listen. Because they sure in the heck not listening now.
Hey Gypsi, you are not alone. You don’t have to face this alone. Please contact a local domestic violence unit in your area, they have trained advocates who can help you.
Keep ALL evidence. Report to the police, if he breaches his protection order. Keep EVERYTHING as evidence. Contact made to you, texts, emails, attempts to contact you on social media. You might feel powerless, and that you have no voice, but you are more powerful than you realise.
This guy sounds like a Psychopath. Who is worse than a Sociopath, the behaviour is very similar, the difference is that a Psychopath has NO conscience. You cannot reason with them, no attempts to appeal to their ‘better’ nature will work. They have no better nature.
Keep everything as evidence, and keep only people that love you that you trust around you now. Please don’t think about ending your life for him, is he worth that? It would prove nothing to the courts, in fact he would probably get off by saying ‘see I told you she was crazy’. Likely you are not at all, they can drive you to feeling like you are losing your mind. Make you feel that you are living in fear, that there is no hope. Make you feel like everyone hates you. But this is not true, it is part of the illusion and mind control that they hold over you.
Please stay safe, and if you haven’t already please contact a DV unit in your area for additional support. They should (I am unsure how it is in USA) but if you were in UK, they can help to install panic alarms, they can get you to a refuge and a safe place so he cannot get at you. This will offer you time and space to think, and also heal.
Please stay safe x
Thank you , I always tried to play my experience down in my mind as it didn’t ever escalate to physical abuse , but the public shaming shouting at me ,the control.I dated him at uni and would cry after he would come round and see me , I thought it was always me.The fear I had/still have towards him was very real especially when we broke up and I was agressively stalked. I didn’t press charges as I was too scared and the police didn’t want my calls unless I was willing to press charges .
The shadow it has left on me won’t go away , I still have the same level of fear and developed panic attacks and now have anxiety before I leave the house.This is 2 years on , I have not as yet had the courage to face up to this head on and don’t want to identify myself as a victim I’m trying to move on but my approach hasn’t worked and I feel the same. I don’t talk about it with anyone , I feel shame in feeling this way and I know I need to talk about it. I am incredibly grateful for what you have written and made me feel like my body and mind is not reacting disproportionatly. Thank you I know I can’t keep trying to block this out of my mind cause it will just stay with me. This is a first step reading your post after 2 years of denial.I always feel like I’m being watched and he will come back , he was evil and had no remorse for the pain he put me through even when I was in tears.
Hi all I thank god for sites like this for your posts positivagirl never knew these creatures existed in everyday normal life until 6 months ago when I found out who my ex now, really is . The thing is I know all he is and what he’s been upto what an evil , manipulating, lying , cheating, deceiving rat he is and I would never go back I know all this but I still can’t believe it all …does this make sense to anyone ? I see his face lovely , kind, caring face in my mind constantly and wish I was with him I can’t believe its over and we will never be together again, I know he’s not this person he never was, never is or will be I know there is not one ounce of niceness in him but the nice/fake part keeps popping into my head and I can’t let go. I feel I can’t but I wish I could as I wish so much he would never enter my head again . Any help please, I feel am with drawing from my friends and family and becoming more and more paranoid about everyone I feel I’ve hit rock bottom and its been six months now 😓 x
Yes, absolutely I understand this (read the post, sociopath and the confusion of kindness)
You can also go one deeper than this as well. If you remove the narc rage, which would always come when they felt that they were losing control, losing control spins them out. They flip if you remove that part, think of it like this…..
They have no real emotions, either happy or sad, there is just a nothing really – so, would you choose to be happy or sad? They get bored due to the lack of real human emotions. So, they be who the other person wants to see. They fill in the gaps in your life. In their head they tell themselves that they are ‘helping you to achieve’ it isn’t quite like that, as if you did achieve, they would feel jealous and threatened, and then would either sabotage what you had achieved, or take over. But you remember the bits in between, when they were helpful and trying to help you. When they were kind. Look at it from their point of view – they aren’t going to be sad – as they don’t feel those emotions – so why not be happy and uplifting, either way its fake, so might as well make someone happy. Or at least it starts like that. But if you get too happy they feel threatened that you are now too strong, and you might leave them, or someone else might see you shining, and take you away. So they start again, and the cycle with them begins again.
I encourage you to learn the truth, then look back right back if you have email, or facebook chat logs, texts, look back to the beginning of what they said. Things that didn’t later come true. See how confident they were when delivering lies…. how little they thought of you and your need for the truth.
As I said I am about to start on a new blog, I hope that you will join me, maybe you can bring your own examples too. It does take time. First of all is undoing the brain washing. For me this time It has been 9 months, and it has taken that time to undo brain washing. It is important to see them for who they REALLY are, rather than who they PRESENTED to you. The reality is very different to what you get inside. The wrapping might be shiny but on the inside, its not like that at all. When you see the reality (I did from reading so much – I saw that actually he didn’t care about me at all) and he probably wont really care about anyone else either. But he will care about keeping himself entertained, not being bored, and just well keeping going in life.
Thank you positivagirl I think that’s what it is am still trying to undo the brainwashing and I keep falling back wishing I was with him even though I know I wouldn’t really go back .
I do read a lot try and understand but then I get confused a bit more also , ive read its how there brain is wired differently they have weak impulse control and can’t help what they do even though they know its wrong , its just part of their personality but then I read there just evil they know why there doing and like it they can stop if they want to ? Its still all mind blowing to me I thought these things only happened in movies its bewildering .
I will read that post and look forward to your new blog , thank you x
He told me he was crazy. Who isn’t a little crazy? He replied “No, I’m really crazy just wait.” When someone tells you they are crazy…LISTEN! The red flags were there, but I ignored them because I cared for him. I just thought “he’s been broken”. Things he said I kept dismissing. My friends invited me out one night and he referred to it as “slut night” and proceeded to tell me that it was an excuse for girls to go out be sluts, groped by strange men and lie about it. I didn’t go out of respect for him. I rarely checked my phone in front of him, because he thought I was lying about men texting me; and said that he knew how to hack into phones, and he’d eventually catch me lying. The sex was amazing, best I ever had. I later realized he used it as manipulation. “You let me get away with the things I do because the sex is good.” He knew and he used it. If i said something or did something that he didn’t approve of, he was great with guilt trips and the silent treatment. Even if I wasn’t wrong he was great at making me think I was. His thoughts were irrational, he was paranoid, insecure, possessive, controlling and manipulative. I dismissed it all because I fell for it. I had a previous relationship with someone and didn’t tell him when he asked, because I knew how he’d react and I didn’t want to lose him. He obsessed over it until I admitted to it. He stopped answering calls and messages for almost a month. When we finally started to talk again I thought we were getting over this “break”. Well silly me. He comes into the gym with the girl he dated before me…she smiles at me. I get a text message from him…”leave me alone”. As I leave I tell him he wasted my time and I gave him all of me, in front of her. Now I’m broken, I know I did nothing wrong, I know I gave everything and it was never gonna be enough, I know it may have gotten worse, I know I’m better off. Why do I keep feeling as if I lost him? That I should’ve just admitted to the relationship when he asked? That even with the red flags I would take him back? Sociopaths make you feel as if the truly care, but they leave you broken in pieces, without a care.
Yes I was often called a slut and a whore. Yet he was the slut. It’s how they break you down. Dominate and control. My God they are beyond crazy but can mask and appear to be so normal
I really appreciate your website. Its put perspective on the situation I was in. Simply asking how his day was, he totally shut down…narcissistic rage. I miss who I was before him. I switched gyms, getting into therapy, and just trying to be a better me. I know she thinks she’s won him back, but I really feel sorry for her. In about a month he’s gonna break her down. Again, thank you for your site
That who you are, is STILL there. The key to moving forward, is to reach back to the past. He cannot take something from you. that is within you. You are the WHOLE of you. Contact old friends family. Go to old places or things that you enjoyed. Reconnect back to the real you.
After breakup four months ago and NC, I am back to square one. I thought I was OK and still even doubted he was SP till it turns out he is bagging me to mutual friends, blaming everything on me, playing victim or martyr, not sure which, and saying he is financially better off without me – yet he was the one who was bankrupt for the last four years of our relationship (in addition to two previous times before me) and asked me for money. He did not support me financially, yet that is the impression people now have. He lent $20000 to a close friend 18 months ago and has shut him off completely, pretending he can’t remember how much he owes, yet has a new car and overseas trips. I feel like I am going crazy. He told his friend he had disconnected his his home and mobile phones so I wouldn’t contact him (he flatters himself), which is why he has been unavailable to take and return calls. It’s BS.
I have been on and off again for 10 years with this guy. He carries many traits of a socio/psycho and narcissist.
A vast majority of the life i had before him is long gone, and it is not coming back.
Over the course of these 10 years i have lost myself and my sense of worth.
Yet i continue to allow this guy back into my life. =/
I have gotten past the addiction to him and learned i can live without him. Yet a part of me still wants him. The other part of me, my head, tell me to move on, to let go, to not be persuaded by his charming words and actions that never last.
I ended our living arrangement this past feb, a week after my grandma/mom passed on. My family greatly dislikes him and he used that as an excuse to not be with me during her passing, or to attend her wake or funeral.
I kept no contact for 6 months. We began talking again after i stupidly messaged him venting my anger and frustrations.
Since then we have continued communication. He proffeses his undying love and commitment to me. Apologizeing for the past and asking how he can make it up to me.
We were friends for 6yrs before we became romanticly involved. Our lives have become so intertwined i feel a bit empty with out him. Yet a part of me says he will never change and to not fall for him again… ugh
And fate has just shown me the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle – the ex is back with his ex wife after 8 years with me. He was desperate for money and she’s rich. The same ex wife who took out a violence restraining order against him and who he said was “crazy”, “psychotic”, “emotionally abusive” and “controlling”. He must have charmed his way back to her and that explains his new big car and overseas trips. Is this normal behavior?
I don’t know about normal usually it’s whatever is the greatest gain for them.
That must hurt though poppy after 8 years. Are you OK?
Yes, it does hurt. It makes me wonder if the past 8 years meant anything. He discarded me like a used dishrag and moved on without looking back. I hear he’s been bagging me to friends and making out it was all my fault.
Yes I am hurt. Makes me feel like a plaything for eight years. He did want to get married, but I always said no because I have two children and he made no effort to get on with them. But it’s hard when you’ve been so familiar with someone for it to come to nothing. Just emptiness. He is now putting me down to friends, which makes it worse. Wonder why the ex took him back after she said she would destroy him?
Stranger than fiction …. he’s now playing misery guts and has a mutual friend that if he can’t have me he doesn’t want anyone. Same man who ignores me in he shops because he’s with the second ex wife. Are they real that douchey?
Sorry … *has since told
I am so thankful for this site.
I am 30.
First he told me my son’s dad cannot come see him. His reason was because my son’s dad and I had fought but now I know he cared nothing about me or my son from a previous relationship.
Only two weeks ago I found out that my boyfriend really was not my boyfriend. I wasted 2 years 7 months with a monster who had sex with all his ‘friends’. Even when he relocated to another country I could not let go and on one of his trips back home I got pregnant. He threatened me to abort but I refused. I now have a beautiful 7 month old baby boy who he neglects. Yet..he has 6 month old and 4 month old daughters. He is wiyh the youngest child’s mother livijg together since he relocated a year and seven months ago and is engaged. She said this abd he denied it saying it was just sex once last year. Yet wgen i called him yesyerday at 6;am she answered saying how tired she is from sex and told him take the phone and talk to me properly or turn it off. He turned it off.
Ehen i called him at work he said he did not know what i was talking about. That he can do whatever he wants but that never happened. That is the first time he is hearing about that.
I keep replaying what she said to me. It hurts.
Even wirh him overseas i only dealt with him and he went and had a family the minute he left the country.
I saw pics of him and the woman and baby in bed and it was captioned My little family.
I asked him and he said nothing going on and he cannot tell anyone what to put on fb.
This woman he is a family with has also told me stop calling her man amd that men cheat and that i am unattractive so he does not want me. That i was just a friend he had sex wih once when he was bored so get over it and leave them the fuck alone.
He still denied having her and said she left with the baby after i sent her messages of our recent convos about sex.
That he hates me for making him lose his daughter. That was a lie. They are still there living the good life as he is a diplomat.
Even when he was still home turns out he was engaged and living with another womab and tried to get her pregnant.
He even sent her pics after he relocated of him in bed with yet another woman not the ones with the babies saying he can cheat too…since she cheated on him.
I even did 3somes with her just to please him. He wanted me have sex with him and a man but i refused.
For all his cheating he said it was my fault he had sex…because he needed release from all the nagging i do.
One of the last things he said to me was “why can’t you just be docile, have sex with me and not care what i do over here…if I enjoy myself or not because at the end of the day I leaving the women here behind and just taking my children.
I love him so much and he has lied amd manipulated me.
I had to.be collected from work as I was in tears and was taken to the doctor last week when i learned the truth about him and the woman he said was one mistake.
He is engaged to her after telling me months ago he was looking for a ring for me.
He even had a pic up of a ring on a hand. Now i know it was showing off the ring he proposed to her with. When i asked about the hand he said it was a married friend’s hand. Lame right?
A week ago he said he will take me back if i allow him to have someone else and to do more threesomes amd not comment on anything he posts on whatsapp. Speakibg of which..he deleted his fiancee’s two fb accounts. One bearing his last name and saying married. I know he did this so i could not expose him any further even though he said to me that no one ever leaves him so no need for me to contact anyone and embarrass myself.
This is his fourth engagement and i guess he will marry tjis one since she has a baby girl with him and he thought he could not make girls and they live together.
My friends tbink he will come sniffing back around. I doubt it but if he does I am not strong as yet
oh NOOOOO!!
I added my sociopath to a site called datingpsychos.com.
I would HIGHLY advise ANYone to NOT DO THIS!
I JUST Googled his name and it came up #3 in a Google search!
Although my NAME isn’t typed in as the poster, anyone Googling his name and knowing the circumstance of his last run will KNOW it was ME that posted this!
There IS a way to contact the site and ask to have it removed but they say it COULD take up to 60+ days to do so.
He left 7 weeks ago.
JUST when I was becoming “strong” and “confident” that I have been since implementing NC, THIS happens.
WHEN will I NEVER LEARN?
😦
UPDATE!
Well that sent me into a sheer panic mode!
I UPdated my post on that site saying NOTHING.
So, although his name and age and town IS listed, there is NO implications of what I said!
WHEW!!!!
🙂
This is good!!
I wouldn’t advise you to put his name out there.