Yeah Cindy I would ask these coworkers not to mention anything if they see him, especially if they know what you went through! I hate those times- when you reminisce about who you used to think he was and just wish it could all have been true instead of a lie…
Joelene stop checking his facebook! That seems like torture! I think you know that there’s absolutely no way he’s somehow happy with her or that she has anything you don’t…it’s all just a game of cat and mouse to these men and eventually he’ll drain her too and move on… Like I know for a fact the sociopath I was with convinced me that I was crazy and went around telling everyone who knew of me the same thing. I guarantee he’s probably telling them now all sorts of nasty lies about me- how I was just possessive and psycho and crazy. I learned to not care because until these people see through his act in the same way I did, they’re hopeless and will believe anything he says. What can ya do except grow and move on
Hi Cindy
I know what you mean. But I keep contacting my ex sp and he continually ignores me. This after nearly 5 years together. I’m so ashamed of myself. How can they just turn like that!!!! I kniw it’s a mental problem on his part (and a addictive obsessive issue on mine) but God it’s hard!!
Yes Joelene… It’s HARD!!! I have my good days and bad ones… Yesterday was a bad day!! Today I’m much better!! I don’t fall in love easily but I fell for the guy and HARD!! He was much younger, attractive, exciting and sexy… I was CRAZY IN LOVE!!! It’s hard to give that up, but I know I have to move one, I’m sure that he has. This too shall pass!!! Praying for all of us.
Great post Alicia and very inspirational thankyou. This is the bit I struggle the most with- how could he be loving and my best friend one minute. Then ignore me and treat me like this the next!! I’m a chronic people pleaser so to have him treat me this way is more than I can handle
I’m sorry positiva can I get your advice on this again…how can he say I love you several times a day, every day for 4.5 years. Them just act like I’m a piece a of dog sht???
It doesn’t matter how much someone says they love you, if their actions suggest otherwise, they do not love you. It is easy to say ‘I love you’ – say those words…how many seconds did that take? – and requires no effort whatsoever. Showing love (i.e. real love) is far more effortful. My ex SP was always telling me he loved me (especially via text) but the physical, emotional, and financial abuse clearly suggested otherwise; in your case, the fact that he is ignoring you shows that he does not love you. He is not worthy of your love. I hope you manage to go no contact..
The “I love you” thing still kills me 😦 for 5 years I remember making him laugh and smile and we were having such good times, and he would look at me in the eyes and say I love you so much Kat, I would do anything for you. How could that not have been real…did he know it wasn’t real? Did he know he was spewing bs from this mouth or did he really think it was real? Was the control he had over me his idea of love? I still can’t believe the man who was my rock, who I took all my problems to, was never real. All I want to do is wake up from this nightmare, go back and curl up in his arms and cry but I can’t because he’s the one who did this to me 😦
OMG Kat… That’s how I felt initially!! He was the person I went to when I needed comforting. He had this way of calming me down by just hugging me tight!! But he can’t comfort me because he’s the reason I’m hurt. 😔
The Sociopath is the worst sort of person I’ve ever encountered. Now that I am completely isolated, I’ve got no fake love, no real love and it is a nightmare and I feel like he’s the only one who can make me feel better. I’ve never fallen for someone like this before either. I’ve never had problems NOT contacting an ex before and now I can’t stop and I’ve never wanted to be back in a relationship with an ex, I’ve always felt it’s over when it is over and it seemed “right” for both of us…there was no destruction or major long-lasting pain, and I was married for 12 years before him and never wanted back together and we could see eachother without problem.
Now this Sociopath has me completely messed up.
I need to be loved.
I need someone to hold me while I curl up and cry. And in my mind only he can give me that but he’s the reason I feel like this. It’s crazy making.
The difference now may just be that I’m now isolated and was not before him. So I’m trying to work on that but I’m not doing very well. The very few people who would be able to love and hug me live too far from me and have their own issues to deal with.
I still can’t keep no contact and it has been over 2 months.
Last month, he messaged me telling me “we are cool” and he loves me and everything he’s doing is for “us” and that lasted maybe 2 days…back to hate right after and I don’t even know why or what I said wrong during that and he won’t tell me! He told me to leave him alone. He wants to be “alone with nothing”…most of his belongings are here in my home and I can’t even get him to pick it up. He has now decided he doesn’t want any of it. So I am left to deal with it too. Meanwhile he tells people that I am keeping his belongings from him! I’m not. He is keeping some of mine though…I’ve had to go to legal aid for help with some things.
Last week he told me he was going to email me after work and he didn’t and there has been zero reply since too!
While I believe everything I’ve read and learned here at this site, I still am attached and I cannot understand why I’m being so stupid about this.
It’s like I feel I am abandoning him if I don’t ? Like I feel he’s so messed up and needs someone who really loves and cares about him and seeing how much it hurts ME to be abandoned and feeling unloved by the people I trusted the most makes me want to keep my arms open for him.
But then I imagine him back…and look at the real picture…I can clearly see it won’t work yet…still want him back.
I don’t believe he loves me at all but I want him to so badly.
Cause that’s what they do all of them.Very disheartening to all of us. Hugs one day at a time and replace with telling yourself everyday u love yourself.
Positivagirl – you have been such a help to me again this week, following your insight in a comment here somewhere (I can’t find it again but it stuck in my mind) it was about PTSD. I’ve had a difficult week as I had to ask my builders to leave the site of my cottage restoration – following some concerns of the building inspector. I trusted this builder and had been friendly, open and fair with him. When I knew I had to face him, I found myself in such a state of worry and panic – actually shaking with emotion, feeling sick and dizzy. It’s not like me, I’ve run businesses and coped with all sorts of things. Thanks to the advice of friends, especially one who has trained in conflict resolution, I was able to go to the site with a firm plan of action. Luckily it worked fine, and the builders didn’t argue with me. However, I was left feeling really ill, unable to think straight and very shaken. I realised that my extreme physical and emotional reaction was because it was another example of my trust being abused and confidence in my decision making undermined. Following years of this from Guy, the SP, and as all this hassle with the cottage is a direct result of our “relationship” – I bought it as a project for him, so that he could “contribute” to our life together (his idea) by working on it and using his (non-existent) skill in the renovation. I thought I was cracking up, felt very out of control, but then I realised that it was a sort of PTSD reaction, exactly as you described. Just knowing that has helped me tremendously, and I have stopped blaming myself for making wrong decisions and started putting the blame firmly on those people who deliberately set out to abuse our trust. Love and Thanks! Lana. X
You are welcome Lana, EMDR and sometimes CBT can be useful for PTSD. What happens is that a similar pattern is replaying. The brain can then start to play the old memory. Even on a subconscious level, at the same time as the old one. This is what causes the confusion and making you feel that way, as the brain is processing more than you are probably aware of. It is a normal reaction to an abnormal event, and you can heal and recover..
The past few days have been really hard… I have so much studying to do and work piling up yet all I can do is mope around all day doing absolutely nothing. I’m trying to think of what I did yesterday and I honestly can’t name a single thing I accomplished… not cleaning, not reading, even watching tv was too much. I just think about him and go over and over every single thing. Everything has become a trigger…it’s like I just want to sit in one place all day until it’s time to go to sleep again. Even when I go to the library to try to study I just end up staring at the walls and watching some youtube videos for hours until I give up and go home. I wish I could just escape from my mind right now
What you’re going through is totally normal. In the past, I went for days like that. Whenever I could force myself to go out with friends, I would. That helps a bit. I also, wrote everything that was running through my head down in a journal (even things I noticed at the time and already wrote down years ago). Just getting it out helps with the racing, obsessing mind. Anything that gives your mind a break for 20 min., an hour, whatever you can muster and then the amount of time can grow day after day. I didn’t find TV enough of a distraction. I think it’s mentally and physically exhausting to think about dealings with the SP. The closer it is to no contact, the more the exhaustion. Good luck with the school work–that sounds tough. I hope you feel better soon.
I had a totally non-productive day today too… And I think I now know why: The psycho (that’s what I call him now) emailed me the day before threatening to kill himself. I ignored this message just as I have done with all the others, and I know he was simply trying to make me feel guilty/turn on the pity play. But it still got me down and I am angry for allowing him to get to me. I hope this will all come to an end soon
I haven’t been on here in a while. I thought I was doing better..I had no contact with my sp for a month. I decided to check my other message folder on Facebook when I realized they’d sent me about 50 messages. Stupidly, I replied. They told me they had changed and that they wanted me again. I ignored them at first and kept it professional. Then they started sending me pictures of themselves in a sexual manner and tried inviting me over to their place. They asked me every day for five days to come over, but I refused. I started to think they might actually be sincere and maybe I was wrong about them being a sociopath. I was right though..the moment I let my guard down and let them have that control over me again, they messaged me telling me they had met someone else on a visit to their fathers house three hours away. They met them that day and told me that I was nothing to them again. Literally in one day, they lost all those supposed “feelings” they had once before. I asked them what I had apparently did wrong. They then told me I was crazy and “WE ARENT DATING” as well as, “I don’t feel the same way I did yesterday, i like her now.” This proceeded with them telling me that everyone thinks I’m weird, annoying and that I’m worthless. I hate that I constantly try to find the good in people, but sociopaths have no emotions at all. I feel stupid for falling for this again..it’s only like the 50th time something like this has happened with them. I feel numb anymore and I guinley hope that others listen when people say not to contact them. Just don’t..do it for you. Don’t let this false sense of love or happiness fool you.
aww you know I have done it. Lots of us have done it. Thing is you learn next time. I am sorry that this is a harsh lesson., They only bring more losses to your life. More drama, more stress. You are right, don’t let it fool you.
Hi Positiva I can’t seem to email you but desperate for some one on one
Hey Joelene, are you ok? What is happening with you?
Hi Positiva
I literally can’t seem to stop thinking about him or why he lied or why he used me or how dumb I was, or now done he now seems to be!!! I have downloaded the counting app.aim to get to 30 days. I text him yesterday to say I Waa sorry for bothering him so much. It was a mistake and I apologised. I was happy i only sent one text!! Of course no response.
But I need your help. How do I truly accept he is mentally unstable and stop reliving every second
Joelene this isn’t about him. It is about you. He is no good for you. He doesn’t make you happy. I don’t want to hurt you, but I want you to come to terms with the truth, that the relationship is over. It isn’t about who he is. It is about how he makes you feel about you. If he is ignoring you, he has no respect for you. You really do deserve better than that.
He isn’t going to change and the outcome will always be the same Joelene 😦
Joelene, I agree with the person that said to look at their actions. Mine told me constantly how much he loved me but the abuse said otherwise. That’s one thing that used to play on my mind cause I knew that love shouldn’t be abusive. he never loved me, he loved the control, the money and turning me crazy.
Unfortunately from this relationship I developed depression and anxiety. Even though I am over the relationship, the days of having a foggy head is still around. Just one of the long term joys of these people. They may leave your life but you still battle other demons. Then I think that I am stronger person because of what I went through. That’s why I think it is so important to have so much positivity in your life. Positive attracts positive.
Awww Joelene… I’m sorry that you’re going thru that still. Been there. My sociopath emailed me last night asking if I would see him. Right now I’m really sick with a bad cold, so it was easy to say no. Usually I would jump to be with him ( heart racing and all ). Joelene, just pray on it and try to keep busy, surround yourself with friends who care about you. I’m praying that you can get past this.
You know Joelene… I felt that way for the past almost 2 months… I know he’s no good but I just wanted him to contact me, I just wanted to know that I mattered to him. Ok, I got that but I won’t go back there with him. I’ve come a little ways and I still have days that I can’t stop thinking and crying over him. But we have to let them go Honey. We have to!!! I know it’s hard. I know!
Yes… I thought you read my reply to your post. He emailed me several times since Friday night. He asked to see me. As much as I want to be with him I know he’s no good for me. Before that I had not heard from him in almost 2 months. I was texting and emailing… NO REPLY!! It hurt me, but I realize I had to let him go.
I know you’re right. I kept a journal and one of the entries I come back to is something I wrote towards the end. An hour with him always made ne feel like crap about myself! I alwats felt ‘less’ after being with him.
He never proactively touched me in 2 years. I instigated every thing. Stopped calling me sweet names 2 years ago. But still said I love you several times a day right up until d day
Positiva can I do one on one with you
I know these things
Yep… He did. He started this past Friday night… But is still an asshole blaming me for everything! True sociopath!! Asked to see me then NOTHING!! Came back the next day and told me that I don’t deserve his reply because I said some things that were unforgiveable to him. Ha!!! Whatever….. He can keep it moving!!! I’m over him.
Joelene, make today perfect. Just for today. Just for right now. Look around you at what you are grateful for. Shut him out, honestly once you have done so and are further on, it is a lot easier.
Joelene, you do have the strength. Believe in yourself and you will soon see it. We have all been where you are right now. It is a real struggle. Trying to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. It does get better and it does get easier. You just have to believe that you can do this. Take it day by day. Eventually you will realise it was a week, then a month then a year since you moved on.
Go and treat yourself. Do anything that makes you feel better except for making contact. Make this the time for Joelene. Where you can learn about yourself and better yourself. You were in an abusive relationship. You are a survivor!! Keep going and be proud of what you have achieved and what you will achieve.
Joelene…. I was right where you are not to long ago. Yes, he’s emailed me all weekend.. He was between blaming me for ” hurting him” and wanting to see me. Just crazy!!! We had a very strong sexual attraction for each other so I’m sure that’s what he wants. Secretly I’m flattered that he still wants me in that way BUT I know he’s no good for me so I’ve been declining. And guess what? I still love and want him but I’ve learned to love me more!!! You will get there. The others are right…. Do something extremely nice for yourself…throughout all my pain and miserable I always kept up my appearance: getting my hair done, manicure, pedicure, makeup, etc. If you look good you will feel good about yourself!! Sending you a BIG HUG!!!
Aragh this is a slippery road down Cindy you sound like me. I would return time and time again, all that it brought was more loss.
Joelene – I agree with Positivagirl – look after yourself, have your hair done, have a manicure, do whatever you like best to make you feel good. Just one little thing at a time to make yourself feel good about yourself. You don’t need some lying, scheming, manipulative man, you are a good, kind person and he didn’t deserve you, never will.
I do understand that the illusion of being passionately loved is like a drug. But it was an ILLUSION, not real. If it was he wouldn’t make you feel this way now.
You have suffered a form of abuse – we all have – and it has a profound effect on your emotions and the way you function. It won’t feel right again straight away, it takes time. Little by little you will be able to enjoy life again and the memory of him will become more balanced. I really hope that you can find comfort in the care of friends, as I have, it makes you realise that people who genuinely care about you don’t shout about it – they show it lots of small ways. This was not love he showed you, Joelene, it was abuse, please don’t forget that and don’t let him win. You are a far better person. Stay strong, Lana x
Cindy – communication is a slippery downhill road as Positivagirl quite rightly says. You can’t outwit a Sociopath. I think you feel happy because you believe he needs you, this is part of the game, as is the impression of sexual attraction. Mine used to say frequently to me that “Men can’t fake it” that’s rubbish – they can, and do, to get what they want. Nobody is going to tell you that you can’t be friends or whatever you wish with this man, but please don’t start to believe that he’s telling the truth – if he’s a Sociopath he doesn’t know what truth is. You are doing so wonderfully well, sound so positive and confident, please don’t let him undermine it. Best Wishes to you and all who are struggling to let go – Lana x
Mine would tell me ‘men tell you exactly what you want to hear’….. he was right too. The trick is also, that you feel better, and stronger, then get sucked in by their pity play, thinking that they can’t hurt you. They keep this act up, until they have lured you in, then BANG back to the same thing and you are back to square one again. Worse is that they would have less respect for you than before for taking him back.
Lana… No, you misunderstood. I am happy because I was able to resist this man whom I’ve NEVER been able to resist!!!! He tried all weekend to see me. It’s true that I was sick with a cold BUT in the past I would have taken out an IV WHENEVER he wanted to be with me!!! I’m happy because I should STRENGTH!! I know it a slippery slope with the communication which is why I’m not planning on continuing. I keep telling you all that I’m not your average victim!! That 2 months of him ignoring me made me stronger!! He doesn’t affect me anymore.
Well that’s great news, Cindy, you’re amazing and strong! I certainly would never have been as strong as you, I resisted meeting, but always gave my time over the phone. Long may your determination continue! Lana x
Thanks!!! OMG… It was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do!!! But once I made the decision I was ok. And as I said I still love him and wish that he was someone that I could be with.. I just know he’s not good for me. I’ve come so far to go back to feeling worthless and low. We all can do it… Put yourselves first!!!
The funny thing is he went back and forth between telling me how would never forgive me for saying hurtful things to him ( after he cold heartedly discarded me) and wanting to see me. He’s confused. I said something that was maybe ungiveable and I apologized. If he doesn’t accept it oh well. As I explained to him I’ve been beyond hurt by his lies, seeing other women, schemes that I didn’t deserve. So…..
Thankyou Lana
Yes you got me thinking. I’m a strong smart capable woman with love and friends all around me. But yrs I let this guy lie to me for 5 years, cheat, use, mock, and generally make me feel disgusting about myself. I don’t know why I allowed this – I wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone!!! Let alone turn up day after day, and now chase him fir more!!! Ugh!!
It is like abuse yes! I just never really looked at it that way.
J
Gosh that’s so true – mine used to say that too!!! All the time.
Positiva whst you say about them having less respect than any they may have had before (the minute amount they had). This really bothers me! I like to think people like me… Now I know I’ve done things that make him think even less of me than he must have thought when he was at least pretending to love me.
So I was with sp 4.5 yrs. Every day! Trips away. Promises to get married… Everything. He lied about his name, his ex, his money and ultimately on dating sites.
I am fully obsessed with him and it’s been 6 mths since he pulled pin (with new gf openly for 5.5 mths but I know he was seeing her for at least 8)
I’ve been texting since he ended it – every few days. Hes totally moved on. I spoke with him today and he said he’s happy to stay in touch but only rarely. Ugh the shame. Thst this fool can deign to tell me when he’ll speak to me – Ugh who have I become!
My question to yoi Cindy is were you this bad, and we’re you really able to get almost resilient in 2 mths?? I’m not going to use nc as a way yo make him miss me or contact me… But could I truly feel that much better in 60 days???
Joelene, I feel exactly the same way as you in so many ways, and the things he did to you were EXACTLY the same things he did to me. I know how hard it is to not contact them, but I want you SO badly to be strong enough to let him go. I know that I don’t have a lot of experience as this all happened to me so recently, but whenever I have contact with him I feel like absolute shit for days afterwards. You have to accept that nothing you say will change him because the person you thought you loved DOES NOT exist. Don’t let him hurt you any longer, you deserve so much better, you deserve love and happiness. Like someone else mentioned, what helps me is writing everything I want to tell him, everything I want him to know, but then not sending it. Just 5 minutes ago I grabbed my phone because I wanted to text him letting him know how evil he is. But the truth is that they LOVE getting these kinds of messages. The only one who suffers is you. Please block him, please cut off all contact with him, he is an empty shell of a human being who feels nothing. Stay strong ❤
@Jolene
I’m sure you will feel better as soon as you begin to apply the no contact policy. It is the only way. When you have the desire to contact him write to you instead this will give you the opportunity to say what you want to say and to read what you just said. When you see your message it will stop you of sending it to him. We are addicted to them and we are the only ones who can stop it. No contact is the answer.
Joelene…. I’ve never pulled out an IV to be with him ( just a medifore) but I’ve NEVER turned down an opportunity to be with him!!! Being with him was always a priority… Everything else took a back seat. So me having a cold would not have stopped me from seeing him before. The no contact for 2 months was forced by him… And yes, I went thru hell: crying, not eating, not sleeping much, thinking of him every waking moment. When I was out doing things with friends it was better. After a point I had to accept that it was over. By the time that he contacted me last weekend I had accepted that it was over. When he contacted me and wanted to see me I felt like I got a little of my power back. I see him differently now. I know what he is, that prevents me from having any illusions that we can be a normal happy couple.
I am not sure if I am posting this is the correct section, I just wanted to share my story and hopefully get some support. It’s a little long but it’s my story and I am losing my mind. 2 years ago, the brother of one of my best friends who’ve I known for over 15 years moved next door to me, we became romantic involved and started dating, knowing his who family and his daughter and my son, I never in a million years thought I’d be entering into a world of confusion. Looking back now everything was rushed, we started dating, 8 months we were engaged and married within a year and a half. By the way we just got married in December of 2015. Throughout the whole relationship there were red flags that I noticed but i guess I can say ignored. He was very jealous and would accuse me of always talking to another man or fooling around with someone during my lunch break, he would make comments all day long while I was at work and would bombard me with texts all day long and if I didn’t answer he would go insane. Before him, I was very independent, a single mother who’s son’s father left him when he was 3, I am very successful and have worked my entire life to get where I am today. I had a rough life and always being on my own made me into a very strong woman. I have lots of friends and everyone always knew me as the go to person, the strong one who never take any bull and that’s exactly who I was and it scares me now because I feel like I wasn’t strong at all and just dumb and blind to let this man destroy my life. While we were dating, I purchased my own home and agreed that him and his daughter would come live with me and my son, that is when he proposed. Things would go good for a few days and the next day it was him starting a fight over nothing, I couldn’t understand what was going on. I thought he was bipolar. He would do everything and anything for me and I truly believed he loved me, he made everyone around us envy what was a “fake” fairy tale and I guess I am to blame as well for always making excuses for him. My own family had told me if I was sure I wanted to marry him and being so blind I never saw the actual events that took place. He was a good talker, he put all his convos in to texts and emails and just confuse me to the point of me always apoligizing and didn’t even know why I was. I would just to end the conversation and fight that I had no idea why he started to begin with. Last summer I started looking into emotional abuse and told him he was emotionally abusing me, he would get so angry when I stood up for myself that I would literally walk on eggshells around him, He hated every male figure in my life including my own father. He would focus on anyone and create a story in his head and accuse me of the craziest things and when I would tell him he’s doing just that he would turn around the whole thing and start to make me believe I was such a bad partner and I make him this way. After we got married he was getting worse and I felt it in my gut something was going on. The day of my wedding day I cried so badly before walking down the aisle because I knew marrying him was the wrong choice but still did it. We had a NY 150k wedding with 300 guests, and 6 weeks later I kicked him out. He destroyed Christmas for me and the kids by ignoring everyone in my family and then told me it was all my fault because I was just trying to be my mother who passed away 2 years ago. A few weeks later I found an old phone of his and even though he was so abusive to me verbally and emotiionally I never thought he’d cheat on me. Well lets just say that his iphone was still connected to his email and social media accounts while on wifi and I went through everything, not only was he sending naked pics of me to his ex girlfriend when we first started dating but he sent out vendor contract to her the day we booked our wedding and our save the date. He contacted her at least once a month just to make sure she knew he was there. I knew her as well and contacted her and she told me straight out that getting away from him was the hardest thing she ever had to do and as I can see he still is there. The day that I was going through the phone his email was still active, and I watched live an email being exchanged between him and his ex, and him asking her to be sexual with him and to meet him for drinks and dinner, I watched this email go back and forth all day until I responded to it from his email and said you’re caught!! Not only did he blame it on me and say he wanted to get caught he then started threatening me. I found pics of him with a naked girl and in the picture it was him laying on her bed and she was walking around naked, all you can see is his boots and shorts and when I confronted him he went gave me every excuse on how that wasn’t him until I conatcted the girl and told them both that if he didn’t tell me the truth I would call her boyfriend and that is when he told me it was him in the picture and then told me that she was his drug dealer and when I spoke to her she told me everything and how and what he was buying. Turns out he was buying prescription pills for 26 dollars a pill for over a year and stop giving me his paycheck months before that and I was so busy with the wedding that I never noticed. I was paying all the bills and floating the house while he was sneaking out of the house at night with my car to buy pills. I even found that he took my son with him one time and showed him the proof. Of course he fabricated another story. I found emails to craigslist woman and just so much porn I was disgusted. While I do believe he never physically had a realtionship with any of these woman because he was always home, I will never know but even finding what I found I kicked him out 6 weeks after our wedding. He has not left me alone for every waking second for the last 8 weeks, the abuse, the creating new emails and numbers to reach me, passing my house at night, coming to my job and sitting outside for hours, I told him I just needed space to clear my head and leave me a lone and not only did he not leave me alone he has consumed every waking second. Threatened me to file the divorce and when I did he said why did I file the divorce. He has said I put him through so much in the last 8 weeks that I am the abusive one when I am only reacting to his actions. I love him and I am starting to miss him and I can’t understand how when everyday he just abuses me more and more. I have been strong for 8 weeks. He is also a recovery addict and has bad spending and gambling problems but tells me he has no problem and I am the one who is a narcissist and I am mentally unstable I am so lost and trying to stay strong. I don’t know what else to do. Thanks for listening.
@StephC, I’m so sorry that all happened to you. I know how hard it is looking back and remembering all the red flags and thinking, how the hell did I not see all this earlier? That is so much to take in, I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. Please do not let him make you believe even for a second that you were the one in the wrong, you were manipulated by a horrible, horrible person and deserved none of it.
StephC – I am truly sorry that you are going through all this trouble, I hope that knowing that so many others have had similar experiences will help. I completely understand the frustration and disbelief that you are feeling. Firstly, I must say that you are still the strong, capable person you were before, but even strong, capable people get lonely, and this is where your Sociopathic man discovered your Achilles heel. I noticed that you said your Mother died only a little while ago, this also leaves you vulnerable, it takes a long time to recover from the death of a parent, and I still miss my mother although she died 21 years ago. Most especially do I miss her at family times, like Christmas. I noticed this was when your SP caused trouble for you even more than usual. I notice time after time here, in people’s stories, that there are some unshakeable truths about SP’s behaviour – some have all the traits, others a selection.
1. Seeking attention from other women, constantly trawling social media/internet to make contacts. Sometimes multiple sexual activity.
2. Pathological lying about everything. Even when it’s not necessary!
3. Twisting reality to make themselves appear as victim.
4. Sponging, living like a parasite on anyone they can.
5. Turning on the tears/threatening to kill themselves in order to manipulate.
6. Appearing as the “victim” to anyone who will listen, which includes lying about the person they are actually victimising.
7. Addiction to porn/drugs/alcohol.
8. Adopting a persona to suit a situation. Can include changing name and personal information to suit situation. Can be very charming and make themselves liked by people who don’t know them properly.
There are many more traits outlined excellently elsewhere on this site, but these are the ones that seem to crop up frequently. Your man seems to have most of these, as mine did. It is a fact that men use children in divorce cases to manipulate their partner, of course women often do this as well. For this reason, it is better that lawyers do the negotiating, or mediators. I feel very strongly that SPs love the attention that conflict brings. I also believe that they enjoy it if you try to reason with them – because they know that YOU WILL NEVER WIN an argument with them. They are dirty fighters, illogical and completely lacking remorse or conscience. I say – do not attempt to reason, argue or debate because you will end up madder than ever with anger and frustration. SILENCE is the best reply – let professionals take up your case.
I don’t want to sound negative, but I listened for years whilst my SP talked about his experiences divorcing his wife in Texas. Their young child ended up in a psychiatric unit for a month because of his and her mutual accusations. Both were trying to win. Of course, now I understand that the picture he painted was all skewed in his favour, but at one point he won residency of the child, despite being a chronic alcoholic and addicted to prescription pills, and also a totally unfit father in every way. He achieved this by putting on a good show in court (they are consummate actors) and making his ex wife lose her temper in front of the judge. Now, I feel for that woman. She soon got her child back, he didn’t really want him, he just wanted to win. I’m trying to say Steph, that it’s so vital to realise that you can’t reason with a Sociopath. Please let professionals do the talking for you, he will use any opportunity to discredit you. People who really know you will believe you, but you must try to stay calm, and not let his particular form of madness undermine your confidence any more.
I am truly thinking of you, and wishing you all the luck in the world in your battle to free yourself from this man who used “LOVE” to try to control you. It’s not Love, it’s abuse. Best Wishes from Lana x
Oh my god how I can relate to this. I put absolutely everything aside to be with him, any opportunity to see him I snatched up. He was literally like a drug to me. I’m SO proud of you for not going to see him 🙂 so strong of you
@Kat, Thank you so much. The latest of what just happened last night, he told me he was going to kill himself which I’ve heard so many times, so I called 911 and told them he was a danger to himself and when I text this to him, he was very much alive and then was telling me how he was about to have a threesome and the only danger he was to was the 2 blonds in front of him. He also sent me several emails over night saying how I am the crazy one and then and went and sent text mesages to my friends saying I need help and I am crazy. I am beside myself he is trying to make it look like I am the crazy one. Everything that I have said to him, that he was abusive, that he needs to seek help and how horrible he was to me, he turned it all around on me and sent me this huge email on how he was so amazing and I was the abusive one. He is such a con artist that he has people believing I am nuts. Even when I show him the proof of his lies he still comes up with another lie. Now he is threatening me to make me loss my job, take my house from me, put me in jail for going through his old phone which was in my name and disconnected. The stress of him trying to bad mouth me all over is so heart wrenching because unless people have seen it and lived it they will believe him. Can I post his email here?
Thanks Kat!!! Like a drug… I wanted to and it occupied my mind all that night ( like withdrawal ) it helped that I was sick and had no energy. Yes, I have NEVER declined an opportunity to be with him!! I mean NEVER!!!
Wow Steph, how manipulative of him… can you just cut this crazy man out of your life completely? I know it’s easier said than done but I can’t imagine beginning to heal when he is still doing things like that to you. Tell him to leave you alone, that you want no contact with him whatsoever and block him on everything. You cannot try to reason with these people, or try to get them to own up to their lies. They are not like me or you, they are not normal and treating them like they are will only frustrate you and prolong your pain.
That’s the biggest problem, he is using the divorce papers as leverage, one day they are signed the next day he is contesting, I have blocked him on everything and he creates new emails, gets new phone numbers and even paid some service to make it look like my friends were calling me and when I picked it up it was him. He was passed my house every day in the middle of the night, he would sit outside my job until I would leave. I have so many police reports on him, he doesn’t care what the consquences he faces. He said he is going to put me through the ringer in court. He has already put me in so much debt by using my credit cards when we were together, I have a 4 year old that I get so financial support from his father, and now my lawyer is charging me 400 dollars and hour. I cry myself to sleep every night I cant get out of this nightmare, he sends me such horrific things and he is breaking me down so badly. He’s taken my soul from me and just won’t divorce me. I don’t know what do anymore
@Lana thank you so much for your support. I just got home from an attorney’s office and that cost me 5k just in a retainer all because he just won’t divorce me, yet he is still emailing me that I am mentally unstable and he is going to make sure the courts get me evaluated and how is going to have me arrested for stalking him, he’s basically saying everything I’ve ever said to him and he is still sitting here believing and trying to make me believe that I’m the one with the disorder. He’s so good at that I start to second guess myself. I threw him out 8 weeks ago and yet he still gets to me. He still places the fear inside me even though my lawyer is telling me he has no leg to stand on. Why?? Why is he capable of still getting to me. I blocked him and all he does is create new emails and change phone numbers to get in touch with me. The lawyer asked why I haven’t filed the restraining order and because I know it will jeopardize his custody, but why should I care when he’s does this to me. He puts so much fear in me. I’ve been so strong and keeping my boundaries and I feel like he’s breaking me down. I’m so afraid that I’m going to have to sell my home that I worked my whole life for just to pay for legal fees. I’m so lost and feel so alone I can’t even be the mother I always was to my 4 year old son who had his birth father walk out on him when he was 2 and then my current husband who he believed was his dad. I start feeling like I failed him and I’m failing myself. Why is this happening to me? You mentioned my mothers death and I’m sorry to hear about your mom as well, no matter how much time goes by it still always hurts and he used that saying I never grieved because I was so strong and held my family together when she died being that I was the youngest and was her proxy and making all her medical decisions and because I knew how sick she was I knew she was tired of suffering and living in pain and that’s why it was easier for me to grasp reality but he insists that I never got over her death and that’s what made me like this. He says I’m the one with no feelings and exactly like you said with your ex’s ex wife the same here he made everyone believe she was bipolar and put him through hell and the same for next relationship and reading old emails between him and his ex I felt like I was reading my own life. Why is this so hard? Why won’t he just let me go and divorce me???
Hi Steph, I so feel for you. I hope that this will soon be over. This is psychological assasignation. I believe that it can psychologically damage you. Of course it can, they are deliberately trying to hammer you into the ground. You ask ‘why won’t he let go and divorce?’ two reasons 1. Control, 2. Winning. He needs to be in control, and he needs to win too. That is all that it is about. Nothing else. People on bipolar can be medicated, and be totally well, Sociopaths and psychopaths can’t be medicated and be well. Such a liar.
StephC – I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Lawyers do cost so much especially in the US. Does he have the funds to get good legal advice? I doubt it. He’s trying to control you with fear, he’s using all your emotional vulnerabilities to get to you. Of course you are stressed following your Mother’s death, it’s completely natural to grieve and also completely natural to have to hold yourself together for the sake of your own family and little one. He’s using the things that upset you most to undermine your strength. Goodness, it makes me so cross I want to slap him! Take notice of your lawyer, he/she is right – he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He’s trying to scare you, and you’re so stressed he knows that he might succeed. Take a deep breath, and ignore him. If he can’t get a response from you it will make him furious, but if he starts to threaten you – you’ve got him. Call the Police. I would take out the restraining order (My SP’s ex took one out on him as I later discovered) if he breaks it, it looks bad in court.
My ex failed to turn up for later court hearings, and I think this is a pattern of behaviour. When they are challenged they often back down.
It makes me so angry that so many women have to go through this, when all they tried to do was have some love in their lives. In the UK we have a new law making “Coercive control” illegal. Of course this is incredibly hard to prove. But I think the law is beginning to recognise that emotional abuse is terribly damaging.
Legal advice is so expensive in the States, I feel for you, but I hope you have the strength not to fear this man, and to grow stronger every day that you’re away from him. Lana x
@Lana, thank you again for your support. My attorney has handles narcs before so I know he’s the best in the business it just kills me inside that it could wind up costing me 50k just to divorce him and it was only a 6 week marriage. I knew the day of my wedding I was crying before walking down the aisle that I shouldn’t of done it. Today he was acting all sweet and loving and then sexual which turned me off completely and then when I respond with something of realivence he stops answering me for hours so when he responds again it’s on a totally different subject and I was correct and when I kept calling him out on it he started with the I’ve been so amazing to you and how could you do this to me? And here I am thinking what the hell did I do, when I know I’m my head I didn’t do anything but he’s that good. The convo ended with him saying for me to go F myself and how I’ll never realize what I lost. It’s such an emotional roller coaster and I feel like I’m never going to escape and then I question myself, do I even want too? When I know that’s the right choice.
@Morgan whatever you do, do not move back to Brazil for him. If I was in another country than my SP I’d be golden.
Ypu are so right positiva. Control and winning!! That’s all that matters to them
Good good, just keep going, how are you doing on this sixty days? What day are you on? Are you focusing on gratitude daily?
And they are very good at the control and winning because they don’t care who they hurt to achieve it.
My sociopath owes me money. I would love to get it back but it means contacting him. I also know that sociopaths don’t pay anything back so there is no point. Sometimes it eats me up but no contact is worth more to me than the actual money. My mum leant me money when I needed it. It was a bit of money. I would love to pay her back but I just can’t at the moment. She commented on it today. I felt so bad because it can play on your mind and I know how it feels when someone owes you money. However I am not a sociopath and have 100% intentions on paying her back. it did bring up feelings of annoyance and hatred towards my sociopath as he put me in that position of asking for money from my mum in the first place. damn sociopaths!!
I know Alicia, it is frustrating, and frustrating that they can get away with it. Using people for money and never paying back a penny of the money that they owe 😦 It is my guess, that he never would pay this back, even if he claimed that he would, likely he would just use this as a tool to play further games with you. Continuing (in his mind) to be in control, and to win – nothing would give him greater pleasure than to be in control and to win – when YOU think that YOU are in control and winning!! – Sick huh?
AliciaP82… My sociopath owed me a considerable amount of money. I had something on him and blackmailed him into signing a promissory note. Otherwise I would not have gotten my money back either. Even on the date that the money had to be paid back it was drama getting it… But I got it and it was much more than he actual owed me.
Hi mate
Happy to say I’m at 3 days (again) But aiming to get to 30:) which is 3 times longer than my standard. But feeling good. Football started here today and I went to my sons game. Normally I would meet with him for coffee before or after (for the last 5 seasons), so I let the sadness wash over me and let it go:) it was hard but ok.
Joelene… That’s my girl!!! You can do this!! Just keep busy, pray for strength, and keep coming to this site for support. You will soon feel stronger and more hopeful for a future without him. I’m proud of you girl!!!
Ah, day 3 well done. Remember to reward yourself, at least by day 7. This isn’t just about punishment, or sacrifice, it has to be about reward. At least by 7 please do something that you COULDN’T do with him! 🙂
Thanks positiva
I do try to think about the negative things I hated and how freeing it is now to not have to text etc.
Today I’m torturing myself with maybe it was me! Maybe he really didn’t tell me he his name because he wasn’t sure I could be trusted and by the time he did, he knew I’d leave him….so best to keep the secret. And maybe I came on too strong so he couldn’t tell me about some things thinking I would use it to pry myself into his life, and maybe I was too emotional and nuts when I found out he had lied…and therefore started to pull back.
God it was so perfect for 2 years and then started to crumble over 3 years. Was it my fault!???
They like to make you think it is your fault and all you but it isn’t. When I see photos of my ex, I also wonder if it was my fault. Maybe I am obsessed and crazy when I am in relationships. Then I think that I am not that way with anybody so it has to have been him. Kind of why I am scared to start another relationship. What happens if I am the crazy one. What if the relationship with a sociopath has made me insecure, not trust a partner and crazy.
He long did it take for you to find out his name? Did he give you an alias? Sorry, I’ve only come back to reading the comments recently so I apologise if it is in a past post.
We saw each other every day for coffee. Or a hug. Or a chat or more. For 4.5 yrs. Didn’t miss a day even on Christmas day etc!!!
After 2.5 yrs I worked out his real surname. Around 4 yrs I worked out his Christian name.
I don’t know if he was ever going to tell me
That is strange hey. Definitely had something to hide. What did you call him during this time? I knew my sociopaths first and middle names and only found out his surname 6 months before we broke up. He has 2 middle names and I seriously thought the second name was his last name. He even had this on Facebook (one of his accounts. After I found out his real surname, I found another account he had.)
I thought his name was ‘john peter smith’ (pseudonym for this site) and called him John for the whole time. 2.5 years in I worked out it was brown so I said do you promise your name is John peter brown? ‘yeS’, no more lies you promise? ‘i promise’, then 2 years later I worked out his name was Bradley James Brown (again a pseudonym for here)
So my question is, could he have any genuine reason for maintaining this for so long and did I ruin it by losing my sh@t when I found out lie number 1
Bearing in mind I later found out he lied about his wedding, his settlement, his ex finding out about me, his ex continuing to do paperwork for him, purchase of trucks, and then being on dating sites for the last 18mths
Wow… I feel like reading all of your stories is like reading my own. Last week my ex and I got into a huge fight on the phone and he blocked me all weekend. Instead of feeling sadness and loss, I felt relief. I was able to enjoy my time and not think about him and what he was doing. So Monday rolls around and he decides he wants to talk… He begins messaging, emailing, texting and calling in intervals. I didn’t respond. Not like 5 messages. Like 50+ a day. Conversations with himself; all ending with him saying he deleted my number and got the picture. Which was obviously not true. It went so far that he asked his sister to reach out to me. I broke contact and started talking to him again. He wants me to go back. This means moving from the USA to Brazil and he wants me to do that- again. This last week I went on an interview for an amazing job in the financial center of San Francisco. Everything about the job is amazing. I will find out next week if I got it or not but its like he wants to take the life I’m trying to build away from me. I had been living abroad for 6 years, struggling. I came home and it’s been hard but I got a new car, I’m going on amazing interviews for jobs I never thought I would have (because I always thought I would stay abroad to be with him) and I’m finally happy and laughing and enjoying life again. I feel strong, confident and I don’t feel like I need someone in my life romantically at the moment. It doesn’t even feel like that’s missing now. BUT IF COURSE I STILL LOVE HIM…. And a small part of me is considering going back if I don’t get this job- even though I could continue applying for similar companies and positions.
I just realized I’ve been cation a sociopath. I don’t know what to do or where to go? I’m lost and I feel broken. I can’t stop. It started almost three years ago. I was married and my husband and I were not getting along. I went to my friends house to vent and tell her all the things my husband was doing to break me. Unfortunately, that’s where I met, Jay. He heard every word I said. My friend had been conned by him too. They weren’t dating, she was just trying to help a friend who said his family kicked him out. At the time I didn’t know he was using all my problems with my husband to shape himself in to who I needed. Everything my ex husband didn’t give me emotionally, jay did. I was stupid. I didn’t even realize he was a sociopath until last night. I read through the traits of a sociopath and it was jay to a T. I sent it to my friend and she was blown away about how it sounded just like him. I have a child with him now. He hurts me mentally daily. I want to stop, but I can’t, I always go back. I’m lost and I need help. I need someone to tell me I can do this and that I’m not a complete idiot. I fell for this. I can’t stop trying to get his attention. I told him a few weeks ago that him not texting me back hurts me and makes me angry and frustrated and no he never replies back to me and sends one message a day. I know now it’s because that’s how he controls me… But how do I stop this? Please help me.
This is a really great site and honestly, it kind of brought to light that I was dating a sociopath. See, we’ve always been friends (over 8 years), and decided to give it a shot. As a friend, I really was protected from his more darker side and I resisted his insistence to go out for two years, but I gave in.
Honestly, if anything, I cannot for the life of me remember anything about our time together. All I remember that I was enamored, and then boom. For the longest time, I was confused, lost and felt that I was going insane in my mind. I could not understand AT ALL how one person can go from saying i love yous constantly to openly mocking me and saying I am crazy. I guess there were some subtle hints that led to this that I brushed it off – the way he would always ask me if I loved him, the way he would leech off of me, the way he would always make me do things that he should be doing instead, him flying in a rage every time I imparted a criticism of his behavior, and then turning on the tear works when I would hold my ground in arguments.
Even worse, after some periods of non-engagement, he would always come back, asking for forigveness about his behavior but at the same time firmly establishing his dominance. Still maintaining that he did all he could FOR ME, and still delivering a sting that he never loved me. I ended up embroiled in a state of confusion for a long time,
But, I’m an empath. And naturally I am waaaaaaaay more vulnerable to manipulation and it seems that I just attract sociopaths (my other ex boyfriend that I was in a 7 year relationship was self-confessed sociopath).
After this interaction, it kind of messed me up and I am still in the middle of healing. The worst thing is when you start asking yourself ‘How on earth did this happen.. again?’. Not only that but it seems I can’t avoid him and inside I just have such unresolved anger towards him and I almost feel like warning the other girlfriend as she is my neighbour (charming of him, isn’t it).
Hi queen
I am very similar, I can’t actually recall many memories of our 4.5 yr relationship that weren’t of me filled with angst or pain at all his lies and coldness, and an occasional Hollywood style glimpse of lying in his arms hearing sweet words whispered in my ear.
I’m also on empath and such a sap!! But now hes moved on with whoever he was cheating on me with… And I’m ignored!
But day 6 nc 🙂
I think the worst feeling I’ve been getting is because I cannot remember those good feelings (only bad ones), that the couple of times we have talked after he got back to his ex was him saying he loved her and etc, it almost wants to push me in a frenzy of a ‘PLEASE DON’T ABANDON ME’ (I also have BPD, which I’ve read naturally attracts sociopaths )
Although, it’s weird, but I really do miss his company in a friendship way. But again, sometimes I just need to remind myself that he’s a user and probably deep down inside he never really cared for me.
Wow, I’ve been on day 3 with nc, and I’ve already ran into him twice (our city is waaaay too small), so here we are, resisting as much! But keep strong, and I always try to remind myself that it gets easier with each passing day.
Still, this would make a good book one day LOL
As soon as I read, ‘please don’t abandon me’, I thought ‘bpd?’ I can see why this is tough for you. You say that you naturally attract sociopaths? I would suggest (and you could tell me that I am wrong), that this is because they are capable of offering a perfect mirror image for you, and of offering you exactly what you are looking for. The long term partner. The stability. Also at the same time, sociopaths don’t really mind the I hate you, don’t leave me mindset that comes with the BPD, as they don’t have real feelings to be hurt. This can feel quite comfortable. It of course leaves you in a very dangerous position of being around someone who will use you, and play games with you, often to your cost.
Well done to you being day 3 on No Contact. Do you have any support for BPD? I have heard that Dialectical Behaviour therapy is good therapy for BPD?
You are right, it probably would make a good book. Did you know, that from what I read over on sociopath world, people with BPD are the only ones who freak out the sociopath. They call them Beepers…. as you constantly change also, it makes it more difficult for them to fully manipulate you, it is as much of a headache for them, as it is heartache for you being with them.
You need stability in your life, you will not get this with a sociopath. They might not mind the drama, in fact they might be drawn to it. But always there will be a loser with the sociopath, and the loser would be you.
Joelene, day SIX!! Well done that is awesome!!! 🙂
Great job Joelene!!! Day 7 will be easy!!!
positivagirl… Indeed, this could be part of the problem where I would latch on and become attached when someone mirrors the perfect image for me. And that was part of the problem, I believe my ex thrived on the whole ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ as he would NOT cut me off. He would keep saying, I can’t leave you like this etc etc. With time, it just seems that I was the loser in all of this, and I was the one that got hurt.
I used to have therapy (I did DBT for 6 months), however since moving back home, I am still trying to look for a therapist.
Huh… did not know that BPDs freak sociopaths out although makes sense, the whole not having a constant identity and changing constantly can put a spanner in a wheel with the mind games. My ex used to tell me that I was an enigma to him and could never figure me out, however the ex that he went back to apparently he used to boast that he’s the one who knows her better than anyone (makes sense then why he went back to her).
It is true, especially since sociopaths seem to know how to push my buttons and send me into a crazy episode.
Positivagirl… Maybe I’m BPD also. My ex-sociopath has loss so much by me and it pissed him off and scares him. I think it kept him with me longer than he really planned ( he said it was the sex). When I think about some of the things that I’ve done to him I sometimes wonder if I’m a sociopath too!! My story is very simular but also different in the sense that I’ve not realty lost anything except hurt feelings and a heartbreak. The only difference is that when I do extreme things to hurt him I actually feel bad and I only do it to make him pay for what he does to me. My friends have also advised me to write a book. I can’t make this stuff up.
Hey CindyT! They say that BPDers can display some sociopathic traits which is why these two get often confused (although BPD have too much empathy and have an inner emotional turmoil). Both my ex-sociopaths have also remarked that I scared them as well.
Killerqueen…. This guy can’t really walk away from me, and it’s not to harass or destroy me. I saw him recently and his demeanor was one of dislike and indifference to me ( he spent 3 days calmly telling me that he will never forgive me for hurtful comments) but wanted to see me. He know that I’m a kind and loving person put I have that other side where I will hurt him if he hurts me. It’s almost like he hates that side of me but missed it too. It’s interesting. If I could stand to be in some kind of relationship with him I think he would be around for a long time…. I just can’t. My friends all say that he won’t admit it but he likes the excitement of my drama. Just crazy!!!
I scored a 26, which is 80% chance that I’m BPD. It may explain a lot.
Tomorrow is gonna be the first time in 5 years that I haven’t spoken to him for an entire week… only got through it because I blocked him on everything. It’s so so hard, I miss the person I thought he was so badly. I loved him so much, and I thought he loved me back. I still want to believe that there’s some part of him that’s grieving too, that he misses me, when I know very well there isn’t 😦 I gave him everything I had, and he made me feel so accepted, so loved, like absolutely nothing in life could go wrong if I had him to lean on. And all along I was nothing special, just an easy target, a vulnerable 16 year old for a 50 year old man to drain and leave for dead. Then he took what he learned from me and just used the info to lure more girls. How could anyone be that cruel? To enjoy the pain he’s inflicted onto girls the same age as his own daughter? God, this all still feels like a nightmare I wanna wake up from
Hi Kat…. I’m sorry that you’re going thru this. We’ve all been there… Several times!! You were doing good, just try to get back on track. I had to have a mini breakdown before I could REALLY LET HIM GO. Something snapped inside me, the next day I was ready to emotionally let him go. I have no anger, just a sense of THANK GOD I GOT AWAY!!! And that I have positive things to look forward to in life. Just try to stay busy, surround yourself with friends and people who love you, journal and pray for strength. Sending you a hug!!
Hi kat
I know what you mean I just can’t handle it some days!!! I too can’t believe that someone could be so loving and available one day, to cold and nasty the next.
It’s been 6 mths. I miss who I thought he was!!! But he was nevee that person. I’m back to day 1 nc.
Ugh!!! Got to day 9!!! Texted him to have a nice weekend and hope he’s well. Of course no reply.
Ugh so disappointed. He doesn’t want me anymore, probably didn’t for 3 of the near 5 years we were together. Get it through my head!!! I think it was triggered because I was at an old haunting ground of ours. Ugh Ugh Ugh
Ok back on horse… Aiming for 30 days
9 days is still something Joelene! It’s not easy… Don’t think like that, it’s not that he doesn’t want you. You can’t let yourself forget that he’s not normal. You did nothing wrong and there’s nothing you could’ve done to change the relationship. Be thankful that you got out of it alive and stronger!
I’m really happy to have found this web page, and I’m looking for some advice. I feel that because I’m potentially under the spell of a sociopath, I’m struggling to tell whether I’m dating an actual sociopath or just an incompetent jackass…
We met on the internet 8 months ago and he made me feel very special. He moved things along quickly in the real world (no gifts/meals/marriage proposals though as he doesn’t actually have any money) and said ‘I love you’ and that he had never met anyone like me. That he usually doesn’t care for what ‘comes out of girls mouths’, but I’m different. All my friends and family find him charming, relaxed and well balanced. I’m barely introduced to his friends and family.
I feel smug that he doesn’t look at other girls at all in public when we’re together. He does however tell me he is a ‘womaniser’ and his 3 favourite things are girls/sex/fruit. He also insists on telling me how some ‘crazy’ student of his is in love with him and asks me if there is anyone in love with me. When he talks about her he always asks if I’m jealous.
He also tells me how he would prefer sexual attraction to an intellectual connection in a relationship.
We appear to have loads of ‘values’ in common and we even show up to a date dressed almost the same.
I discover within the first few months that he has a nasty attitude to the slightest sexual rejection (I’m tired/on my period) and threatens to ‘wank in the toilet’ if I reject him. He tells me that he thinks we have gone ‘beige’ because for 2 nights in a row I was stressed about work and not very focused sexually.
I noticed that a lot of nice experiences become tainted by his mysterious sulking, which when confronted about, manages to blame entirely on me being ‘oversensitive’.
I start to notice he creates arguments in time for me to be going to spend time with friends, again, twisting the argument to look like I created it. Having been in an abusive relationship previously, I fall for this once and miss out on a dinner with a friend, then the following times continue to just see my friends as planned and deal with him afterwards.
He protects his phone constantly, and goes on it until 3am most nights we spend together. I decide to just trust his behaviour. But noticed that he still messages his very young ex-girlfriend who lives overseas. Around 7 months into the relationship I noticed he has switched off his facebook notification alerts. I confront him about this and again, its my fault. He says he doesn’t feel safe checking his phone around me because I’m always snooping and paranoid.
There have been a few evenings where he has been uncontactable (he is someone who always has to be on is phone) and I have also seen blonde hairs in his room and condoms appear on shelves (we don’t use them). When confronted he so calmly has an excuse and I drop it pretty quickly. He is also very quick to label me ‘crazy’ and ‘ill’ in those situations
He mysteriously wants to take breaks which makes me suspicious, then one day recently my gut feeling just became so overwhelming that I asked him to just show me the last few people he had been talking to online, otherwise I can’t be in the relationship anymore. No dark corners. He straight up refused saying he needs his privacy, but that I should just believe he has nothing to hide. I left the room and checked if he went straight onto facebook, he did. I broke up with him then and there and he wouldn’t leave my house, saying he was going to propose marriage/that the bracelet he bought me at christmas (wrapped up nicely from a shop) was actually an heirloom/that he wanted me to go on holiday with him. Sheer panic.
He eventually left but I’ve since received emotional messages telling me my ‘cruelty’ has made leaving me so much easier. He feels he has seen the real side of me (because I forced him out of my house and gasped/laughed when he told me about the heirloom). He also told me how I’m the best thing in his life because in the past he has made mistakes which have destroyed so many friendships/relationships.
I’m torn about the phone incident because you can’t demand to see someones phone, but he wouldn’t just give in and show me and also behaved in a very sketchy manner.
He’s since sent other messages telling me how much I’m his best friend and he’ll miss me. I’m currently ignoring him but I feel like he could be sucking me back in. I feel convinced he is a pathological liar, but without the proof I just can’t accuse him. He swears he has never cheated but again I just feel like its lies. I feel like he needs to ‘win’.
He doesn’t have a regular job and I know he stole from one job he took recently and bragged to me about it. I pay for things and also took him on holiday – I don’t mind doing this but there are very few ‘thank yous’. I put this down to a pride thing, but have recently worried its an entitlement thing. I noticed he can afford to buy a laptop and ipad in the same week, yet not pay back his debts to me or pick up any bills.
I’ve wondered about him truly being a sociopath because he does seem to show empathy. The first time he made me cry he was very much like ‘awww don’t do that, I can’t be mad when you do that’ and the argument got less severe, but then I just remembered that last week I cried during sex and we stopped, but whilst still in tears he coerced me to ‘finish him off’. Hmm.
He has also been very loyal, remained good contact with me throughout and great when I need help with project work. He has however once flipped out at me for ‘working too much’ so I promise a great time when I’ve finally met the deadline, but when this time came around he wasn’t even that hot about seeing me.
I seemed to have begun this personal account asking for advice, but now that I’ve written it down its very clear that I need to get away from the relationship before its too late.
Hi Sam, welcome to the site. I expect that it felt good to be able to get this out? How does it feel now that you have written it down? I know what i can see reading your words. The truth is whether you want to believe it. I think sometimes we can give people more chances than they deserve. The truth is that you are feeling insecure with this man. I think from what you write, that it sounds like he is playing games. The whole ‘heirloom’ that is at least manipulative behaviour. If you hang out with someone like this for too long, they start to steal not only you heart, but also your mind and your soul.
Sam, based on the experience I had with a sociopath, this guy sounds very much like one too. Moving the relationship quickly, telling you he’s never met someone like you, hiding what he’s doing on his phone, making you out to be the one who’s always at fault; all red flags. Don’t for a second believe that he has the ability to actually empathize because they are very good at acting. I look back and remember all the times the SP I was with cried, or acted sad and remorseful, and while I thought it was genuine at the time, it was so very much all just an act. He also used to make me feel crazy for wanting to see his phone because it was “private”. I spent years trying to convince myself that I could trust him, that I was just being jealous and he was right. Then I found out that he had TONS of other relationships with girls just like me. Get his toxic ass out of your life, you deserve SO much better.
They always have their phone, internet, computers, tablets, every single damn thing about them PRIVATE – but demand to see everything about your life. Ugh… like emotional rape.
I am (was) married to a sp for 17 years. Long story but he cheated many many years and I didn’t know it. Thought it was a perfect marriage. He is Muslim and I moved to his country. He’s rich. Powerful and very important n his country. We have three children together. 8years ago he left said he wasn’t happy. We only had one child then. I was surprised because I thought it was great! He left by kept me on a string. Maybe coming back maybe not he was confused. I learned he was dating then but was mad Cus we were still sleeping together n had agreement to not date others eventhough we not living together. I was alone here n this country and financially depended on him and scared. He came home after two years said sorry he made mistake. Everything was great we even had two more children. Perfect life. Then I found him talking to lady on phone when my youngest was only three months old. This was five years after he came home. He stonewalled and left thinking I beg him to come home. I asked him to stop or leave and he left. Said any woman would love to be n my shoes. This was over a year ago. Again he n I did the dance of he’s not here and not committed but still comes around. He said the other ladies were nothing to him and he will always love me he’s just sick. I finally started counseling. My youngest is two this week and his father left us over a year and half ago but constantly says he loves us and wants us. I’m stronger. I see it all now. Thing is he islamicly divorced me. Which is just vocal not on paper. Because of his job and we n public eye no one knows we not together but he still has many many ladies. MANY! Many who think they r engaged and have a future. I’m stuck in this country. I love it here so I’m ok. We were n the process of building a dream house which he will give to me n kids. So I must have contact with him for many reasons. I stopped trying to be with him as I understand now I’m just part of his fan club. Except I get the special honor of being the number 1 fan. Lol
It still hurts because I thought we had a great thing. He’s not verbally abusive. Very kind. Charming…. And never argues.
He just has a need to cheat and seek attention from ladies that stroke his ego and he knows he will never be with any of them long term. I saw his emails n phone conversations to them.
I got his phone the other day and made a group text to all of them from his phone and we all shared stories and information! Then I let him read it. Lol
And yet he still managed to lie his way back to some of them. Lol crazy!
I have stopped and I’m only trying to not get sucked back n focus on me and my kids. I gave up a lot to live here. And I’m not going anywhere. My kids and I deserve the life he can provide. I want my dream house we r building. But it comes at a price. This price for now is finding a balance of the pretend wife in public and keeping an emotional distance. I’m n therapy and the therapist also agrees this my best option to get what I need for my kids.
I know the signs. I pull back and he comes with the charm. But I don’t fall like I used to. Last time he started texting I just ignored and answered only when he asked about kids. The more I ignore the more he LOVES me. Then I said just stop pls. I saw ur phone. U love us all! Lol
I said to him I’m not on ur fan club. Treat me like I’m ur ex and mother of ur kids. That’s it pls.
Then I’m so moody and mean! Ha ha
After years of begging him and scared to live here alone I finally have my feet firm and I know he doesn’t know how to react. I enjoy it to some extent. I will be here and I need to balance because I want things from him because he left me with three young kids.
Oh gosh, what a situation to be in. It isn’t that great being the No1 person, that they keep coming back to. Using other people. Do you know why? Because it stops you from moving on with your life. It stops you from having REAL love. I guess it is ok, if you don’t want that. If you are happy for him to have his freedom, while still technically having full control over you and your life. He might allow you to ‘believe’ that you are in control, but … I don’t think that it is like this. You have children together and say that you are happy where you are living. The difficulty comes when/if you want to move on. Divorced or not, he will see you as ‘his’ someone that he owns.
Hi sorry just responding . I had to figure out how to use this site. I was also sick n the hospital. I’m a work in progress for sure. We live n seperate houses. I have to remind him to only talk about kids nothing else. I’m n therapy. Last week I was n the hospital. He mentioned he was going to Germany. I knew it was to play. He has this one girlfriend there for almost 15 months thinking they were engaged n all this. She met her man and he would work her off to his palace n she would be taken care of blah blah. She was one of many and she learned this when I made the group text on his phone. She texted me privately n told me how she loves him n can’t believe all the things n the text. Whatever right??? Anyway. He said he was going to Germany to get me to react. I didn’t. I said I am having surgery n my son will be there with me. I told him do not come to the hospital! Well I came out of surgery n he was there! Then he flew to Germany for his holiday. He kept calling me to see how I was. I was yelling at him to stop calling! I said u r there with ur whores so leave me alone. We r not together. He said I know this but I will always take care of u. Blah blah
I can’t go to America. I am staying here with my kids. I have nothing in USA and as I said I do feel I have to balance things until I finish building my house. This is in five months. He will put the house under my sons name. Once this is done I will divorce him in court. I’m just waiting to secure my house so I don’t have to be dependent like I am on him. My oldest son is 16. Once I get my house trust me he will not have this control over me. I was always weak. I loved him and he knew he could go and come and go and come. But after these many years I had enough. His words r nothing special. He left me cus I asked him to stop cheating! And always tried to keep one foot in the door and these past two months he sees I distanced myself. I’m n therapy this why. I have a masters degree and I work. But I figured he owes me the house so I can raise my kids up in it. Nothing he says r does will ever make me want him again. Yet I do love him. I did for many years and he’s my kids father. But it is over for me. It’s hard because I have to deal with him for the kids.
He is clearly a sociopath. He doesn’t even deny it . Loves ppl loving him and he loves attention and his job just makes it worse with ppl kissing his tail all day.
I dont go to functions with him anymore. I stopped when I entered therapy. But there was years where I fell over myself to please him. Looked the other way n believed. Made myself believe the excesses as to why this lady called him r why he was spotted with that one. I ask n he answered n I believed him cus I wanted to!
My goal is to continue to try n set boundaries. I already pulled back from in laws. I’m polite but no longer go to family functions and they know why. I’m tired of hearing his aunts tell me how great my husband is. ( they Dnt know yet) as I plan to keep it this way until I get that house under my sons name. Then I will try n quietly get the divorce. I have stopped going to same hang out spots I know he’s at. Because when I do I have to pretend to be the wife n hear him do mil jokes. Lol
I know our friends r asking questions but never to my face or his. He doesn’t take his ladies n public. He tells them all we not together but only for pretend n public eye. That was his story for years. But now it’s the truth. Lol
What I am mad about is the signs were there for so many years. And I never paid attention. I was too busy trying to keep him mine!
I found so much info on this but it’s hard to find info on long term marriages with kids like mine. I can’t just go no contact. I have to find a middle ground. I know one day I will want to maybe see another. But I have my work. I’m doing my masters also. One n college, a teenager and two small ones to see about. I’m not bad to look at and I get offers. But I’m just not there yet. I’m so turned off by men right now. I want my house then I’ll consider things. I’m not doing anything to risk that.
I wish I had others who were married n had kids.
What a fool I was huh? Y’all all saw it and I didn’t. I married him followed him around the world. Had his kids.
So i need some advise because i’ve been feeling crazy. Something feels off about her, and she seems to display some level of sociopathic tendencies. Having trust issues lately.
The story: GF and I are moving to another state and in together (her first time), and she decides to go to NZ between jobs for 3weeks by herself. She gets back and the movers show up the next day. It just feels kinda nuts. Normally i’d be cool, but i’m feeling vulnerable right now….
My gf (of a 1 1/2 years) and i are moving to another state together for her job. My job is allowing me to work remotely, but it is risky. I moved from east coast to the west coast for my job so it’s tough. She decided to go alone to NZ for 3weeks. I didn’t have enough cash with less than a month notice so she went anyway. (she’s a surgeon who makes big $) I told her i’m normally ok with it, but right now i’m needing some reassurance and that’s not very reassuring, she ignored me.
Now i’m stuck making the decision, do i stay or do i go. My gut is telling me not so much, my heart says give this a shot.
She does show some signs of sociopathic behavior (sometimes!)
Lack of empathy
Calm under scary situations (surgeon)
Lack of respect
Big ego
Gas lighting
Boredom
Hidden past
Lot of guys have left
Pay attention to the red flags. The pain you could receive from this relationship could keep you down for months and years. Run before you have years of your life invested. Some of us do and wish we had listened to our heads and not our hearts. Something is wrong.
Hi everyone, this is my 1st time on this site & wow what a relief to have found it. I was an averagely married women for 23 years. People considered us the perfect couple. We had 2 lovely children and all seemed well. in 2006 my life flipped it over backwards… My Son at 14 had to be rushed in for open-heart surgery & then my “devoted” husband suffered brain trauma through a bike accident & was in a coma for 9 weeks & spent 6 months in hospital & rehab before coming come. To my horror, when I had to take care of his cellphone I discovered he had been screwing around our whole married life. When he fully recovered after a year, I promptly filed for and got divorced. My children were 17 & 22 at the time. I then lost my younger sister and my 2yr old niece & 4yr old nephew in a traumatic accident. At the same time my dearly beloved mother at 82 was well in the last stages of Alzheimer’s. Fortunately with the love & support from my children and some good friends, we got through it all well – we kept positive with a cheery & positive outlook and carried on successfully with our lives.
Then … entered a “friend” within a colleagues social circle. She was a self proclaimed Lesbian but only really mixed with the heterosexual people in our social circles. She was quirky, fun & fashionably well dressed. She became closer to our little family in a kind & caring way and before I even realised it, we got into a “relationship” All my friends seemed to like her so I didn’t question whether I had become a lesbian (as I was not physically attracted to other woman so simply realized I had just fallen head over heels in love with another person who just happened to be female. It was a romance of note for at least 8 months & that’s when I started questioning myself about some of her behaviour traits that didn’t make sense. I would always put it down to her “traumatic up-bringing. It got stranger & more behaviour traits started popping out, drinking & then getting aggressive around me to the point that I asked her to leave – her friends started trying to patch things up saying she was sorry & was so depressed, not eating & she couldn’t live without me.
Of course I took her back in – she promised no more drinking & so no more outbursts. It wasn’t long before she started having a few drinks and then some till yet another outburstThis started becoming a regular occurrence and cycle after cycle until I just started keeping quiet so not to send her off on a verbal abusive mission against me again. I had also come to hear the way she was dragging my name through the dirt & spreading disgusting vicious untrue rumours about me whenever she had left home after her outbursts – My close friends who knew her & were always civil to her started urging me to leave her, that they could see so many negative changes in me – I was not the same happy, cheerful person I used to be. After her last outburst wherein she involved my daughter , I had had enough. I packed her things, locked her out, and made it categorically clear in no uncertain terms that I never wanted to see her nor hear from her ever again. I was yet another 1 of her +- 15 failed relationship’s & of courselves they were all to blame (interestingly they were mostly all heterosexual before they met her) – I had endured 4 & a half years with this ex!
It was hectic, I went through a long period of wondering, questioning all my actions and reactions, if it was something I did, or if I was going insane etc.etc. She first posted messages & images of good riddance to bad rubbish & about being free of toxic evil people then she blocked me on Facebook & WhatsApp, however she somehow overlooked the blocking of me on my business phone’s whatsapp & there I saw her next victim, a lady in her office whom I recognised immediately. She was posting support images, you’re amazing ( with a pic of her colleague), I wan’t to spend the rest of my life making you smile with a picture of her colleague holding her newborn baby grandaughter etc. I instantly felt numb and sick to my stomach and as though a dagger had been stabbed through my chest. She was doing exactly the same thing to her as she had with me in the beginning! I started wondering if she was a psychopath & that’s when I came across the Sociopath disorder. I was riveted, couldn’t stop doing more & more research. And I was instantly relieved & no longer needing all the confusing thoughts & doubts -that was it , she was a Sociopath.
However, my concern now is that her new target is a strong woman also having gone through a few tough years after her divorce. And I fear she is like a sitting duck & is going to be led like a lamb to the slaughter. I certainly can’t warn her somehow or way or my ex will convince her that I’m the crazy one and that I’m mad, jealous and trying to get back at her etc . Which I am not – My family life & catching up with my good friends (which in the past 2 years after seeing me take her back time & time again have been waning) has made me feel like the person I used to be. For the 1st time in these past 4 years I have my life back on track albeit I can’t bear the thought of being in amother relationship again – my self confidence has taken qiite a knock & any potential candidate frightens the hell out of me. What do I do??? How do we help this women from being her next victim?
Dating a Sociopath 
Yeah Cindy I would ask these coworkers not to mention anything if they see him, especially if they know what you went through! I hate those times- when you reminisce about who you used to think he was and just wish it could all have been true instead of a lie…
Joelene stop checking his facebook! That seems like torture! I think you know that there’s absolutely no way he’s somehow happy with her or that she has anything you don’t…it’s all just a game of cat and mouse to these men and eventually he’ll drain her too and move on… Like I know for a fact the sociopath I was with convinced me that I was crazy and went around telling everyone who knew of me the same thing. I guarantee he’s probably telling them now all sorts of nasty lies about me- how I was just possessive and psycho and crazy. I learned to not care because until these people see through his act in the same way I did, they’re hopeless and will believe anything he says. What can ya do except grow and move on
Kat you are wise beyond your years
Hi Cindy
I know what you mean. But I keep contacting my ex sp and he continually ignores me. This after nearly 5 years together. I’m so ashamed of myself. How can they just turn like that!!!! I kniw it’s a mental problem on his part (and a addictive obsessive issue on mine) but God it’s hard!!
Yes Joelene… It’s HARD!!! I have my good days and bad ones… Yesterday was a bad day!! Today I’m much better!! I don’t fall in love easily but I fell for the guy and HARD!! He was much younger, attractive, exciting and sexy… I was CRAZY IN LOVE!!! It’s hard to give that up, but I know I have to move one, I’m sure that he has. This too shall pass!!! Praying for all of us.
I love this reply. But ‘the first hundred years of your life are the hardest??’
Great post Alicia and very inspirational thankyou. This is the bit I struggle the most with- how could he be loving and my best friend one minute. Then ignore me and treat me like this the next!! I’m a chronic people pleaser so to have him treat me this way is more than I can handle
Because he was hoovering you Joelene. It’s all a game to him.
It is no reflection on you at all. A sick game that he plays and will continue to do so for as long as you are willing to play the game.
I’m sorry positiva can I get your advice on this again…how can he say I love you several times a day, every day for 4.5 years. Them just act like I’m a piece a of dog sht???
It doesn’t matter how much someone says they love you, if their actions suggest otherwise, they do not love you. It is easy to say ‘I love you’ – say those words…how many seconds did that take? – and requires no effort whatsoever. Showing love (i.e. real love) is far more effortful. My ex SP was always telling me he loved me (especially via text) but the physical, emotional, and financial abuse clearly suggested otherwise; in your case, the fact that he is ignoring you shows that he does not love you. He is not worthy of your love. I hope you manage to go no contact..
The “I love you” thing still kills me 😦 for 5 years I remember making him laugh and smile and we were having such good times, and he would look at me in the eyes and say I love you so much Kat, I would do anything for you. How could that not have been real…did he know it wasn’t real? Did he know he was spewing bs from this mouth or did he really think it was real? Was the control he had over me his idea of love? I still can’t believe the man who was my rock, who I took all my problems to, was never real. All I want to do is wake up from this nightmare, go back and curl up in his arms and cry but I can’t because he’s the one who did this to me 😦
OMG Kat… That’s how I felt initially!! He was the person I went to when I needed comforting. He had this way of calming me down by just hugging me tight!! But he can’t comfort me because he’s the reason I’m hurt. 😔
Me too. 5 years of fake love.
*hugs*
The Sociopath is the worst sort of person I’ve ever encountered. Now that I am completely isolated, I’ve got no fake love, no real love and it is a nightmare and I feel like he’s the only one who can make me feel better. I’ve never fallen for someone like this before either. I’ve never had problems NOT contacting an ex before and now I can’t stop and I’ve never wanted to be back in a relationship with an ex, I’ve always felt it’s over when it is over and it seemed “right” for both of us…there was no destruction or major long-lasting pain, and I was married for 12 years before him and never wanted back together and we could see eachother without problem.
Now this Sociopath has me completely messed up.
I need to be loved.
I need someone to hold me while I curl up and cry. And in my mind only he can give me that but he’s the reason I feel like this. It’s crazy making.
The difference now may just be that I’m now isolated and was not before him. So I’m trying to work on that but I’m not doing very well. The very few people who would be able to love and hug me live too far from me and have their own issues to deal with.
I still can’t keep no contact and it has been over 2 months.
Last month, he messaged me telling me “we are cool” and he loves me and everything he’s doing is for “us” and that lasted maybe 2 days…back to hate right after and I don’t even know why or what I said wrong during that and he won’t tell me! He told me to leave him alone. He wants to be “alone with nothing”…most of his belongings are here in my home and I can’t even get him to pick it up. He has now decided he doesn’t want any of it. So I am left to deal with it too. Meanwhile he tells people that I am keeping his belongings from him! I’m not. He is keeping some of mine though…I’ve had to go to legal aid for help with some things.
Last week he told me he was going to email me after work and he didn’t and there has been zero reply since too!
While I believe everything I’ve read and learned here at this site, I still am attached and I cannot understand why I’m being so stupid about this.
It’s like I feel I am abandoning him if I don’t ? Like I feel he’s so messed up and needs someone who really loves and cares about him and seeing how much it hurts ME to be abandoned and feeling unloved by the people I trusted the most makes me want to keep my arms open for him.
But then I imagine him back…and look at the real picture…I can clearly see it won’t work yet…still want him back.
I don’t believe he loves me at all but I want him to so badly.
*more hugs* oh how I need them right now… ;(
Cause that’s what they do all of them.Very disheartening to all of us. Hugs one day at a time and replace with telling yourself everyday u love yourself.
It was a feeble attempt at being funny. My mother used to say that. Life is hard sometimes, oft times😊 When times get hard, I remember her saying so.
Positivagirl – you have been such a help to me again this week, following your insight in a comment here somewhere (I can’t find it again but it stuck in my mind) it was about PTSD. I’ve had a difficult week as I had to ask my builders to leave the site of my cottage restoration – following some concerns of the building inspector. I trusted this builder and had been friendly, open and fair with him. When I knew I had to face him, I found myself in such a state of worry and panic – actually shaking with emotion, feeling sick and dizzy. It’s not like me, I’ve run businesses and coped with all sorts of things. Thanks to the advice of friends, especially one who has trained in conflict resolution, I was able to go to the site with a firm plan of action. Luckily it worked fine, and the builders didn’t argue with me. However, I was left feeling really ill, unable to think straight and very shaken. I realised that my extreme physical and emotional reaction was because it was another example of my trust being abused and confidence in my decision making undermined. Following years of this from Guy, the SP, and as all this hassle with the cottage is a direct result of our “relationship” – I bought it as a project for him, so that he could “contribute” to our life together (his idea) by working on it and using his (non-existent) skill in the renovation. I thought I was cracking up, felt very out of control, but then I realised that it was a sort of PTSD reaction, exactly as you described. Just knowing that has helped me tremendously, and I have stopped blaming myself for making wrong decisions and started putting the blame firmly on those people who deliberately set out to abuse our trust. Love and Thanks! Lana. X
You are welcome Lana, EMDR and sometimes CBT can be useful for PTSD. What happens is that a similar pattern is replaying. The brain can then start to play the old memory. Even on a subconscious level, at the same time as the old one. This is what causes the confusion and making you feel that way, as the brain is processing more than you are probably aware of. It is a normal reaction to an abnormal event, and you can heal and recover..
Hi kat – that’s exactly how I feel. You captured it perfectly.
I’m praying for us all
The past few days have been really hard… I have so much studying to do and work piling up yet all I can do is mope around all day doing absolutely nothing. I’m trying to think of what I did yesterday and I honestly can’t name a single thing I accomplished… not cleaning, not reading, even watching tv was too much. I just think about him and go over and over every single thing. Everything has become a trigger…it’s like I just want to sit in one place all day until it’s time to go to sleep again. Even when I go to the library to try to study I just end up staring at the walls and watching some youtube videos for hours until I give up and go home. I wish I could just escape from my mind right now
What you’re going through is totally normal. In the past, I went for days like that. Whenever I could force myself to go out with friends, I would. That helps a bit. I also, wrote everything that was running through my head down in a journal (even things I noticed at the time and already wrote down years ago). Just getting it out helps with the racing, obsessing mind. Anything that gives your mind a break for 20 min., an hour, whatever you can muster and then the amount of time can grow day after day. I didn’t find TV enough of a distraction. I think it’s mentally and physically exhausting to think about dealings with the SP. The closer it is to no contact, the more the exhaustion. Good luck with the school work–that sounds tough. I hope you feel better soon.
I had a totally non-productive day today too… And I think I now know why: The psycho (that’s what I call him now) emailed me the day before threatening to kill himself. I ignored this message just as I have done with all the others, and I know he was simply trying to make me feel guilty/turn on the pity play. But it still got me down and I am angry for allowing him to get to me. I hope this will all come to an end soon
I haven’t been on here in a while. I thought I was doing better..I had no contact with my sp for a month. I decided to check my other message folder on Facebook when I realized they’d sent me about 50 messages. Stupidly, I replied. They told me they had changed and that they wanted me again. I ignored them at first and kept it professional. Then they started sending me pictures of themselves in a sexual manner and tried inviting me over to their place. They asked me every day for five days to come over, but I refused. I started to think they might actually be sincere and maybe I was wrong about them being a sociopath. I was right though..the moment I let my guard down and let them have that control over me again, they messaged me telling me they had met someone else on a visit to their fathers house three hours away. They met them that day and told me that I was nothing to them again. Literally in one day, they lost all those supposed “feelings” they had once before. I asked them what I had apparently did wrong. They then told me I was crazy and “WE ARENT DATING” as well as, “I don’t feel the same way I did yesterday, i like her now.” This proceeded with them telling me that everyone thinks I’m weird, annoying and that I’m worthless. I hate that I constantly try to find the good in people, but sociopaths have no emotions at all. I feel stupid for falling for this again..it’s only like the 50th time something like this has happened with them. I feel numb anymore and I guinley hope that others listen when people say not to contact them. Just don’t..do it for you. Don’t let this false sense of love or happiness fool you.
aww you know I have done it. Lots of us have done it. Thing is you learn next time. I am sorry that this is a harsh lesson., They only bring more losses to your life. More drama, more stress. You are right, don’t let it fool you.
Hi Positiva I can’t seem to email you but desperate for some one on one
Hey Joelene, are you ok? What is happening with you?
Hi Positiva
I literally can’t seem to stop thinking about him or why he lied or why he used me or how dumb I was, or now done he now seems to be!!! I have downloaded the counting app.aim to get to 30 days. I text him yesterday to say I Waa sorry for bothering him so much. It was a mistake and I apologised. I was happy i only sent one text!! Of course no response.
But I need your help. How do I truly accept he is mentally unstable and stop reliving every second
Joelene this isn’t about him. It is about you. He is no good for you. He doesn’t make you happy. I don’t want to hurt you, but I want you to come to terms with the truth, that the relationship is over. It isn’t about who he is. It is about how he makes you feel about you. If he is ignoring you, he has no respect for you. You really do deserve better than that.
He isn’t going to change and the outcome will always be the same Joelene 😦
Joelene, I agree with the person that said to look at their actions. Mine told me constantly how much he loved me but the abuse said otherwise. That’s one thing that used to play on my mind cause I knew that love shouldn’t be abusive. he never loved me, he loved the control, the money and turning me crazy.
Unfortunately from this relationship I developed depression and anxiety. Even though I am over the relationship, the days of having a foggy head is still around. Just one of the long term joys of these people. They may leave your life but you still battle other demons. Then I think that I am stronger person because of what I went through. That’s why I think it is so important to have so much positivity in your life. Positive attracts positive.
Thankyou Alicia
Awww Joelene… I’m sorry that you’re going thru that still. Been there. My sociopath emailed me last night asking if I would see him. Right now I’m really sick with a bad cold, so it was easy to say no. Usually I would jump to be with him ( heart racing and all ). Joelene, just pray on it and try to keep busy, surround yourself with friends who care about you. I’m praying that you can get past this.
I just wish mine woukd contact me. I feel so rejected
You know Joelene… I felt that way for the past almost 2 months… I know he’s no good but I just wanted him to contact me, I just wanted to know that I mattered to him. Ok, I got that but I won’t go back there with him. I’ve come a little ways and I still have days that I can’t stop thinking and crying over him. But we have to let them go Honey. We have to!!! I know it’s hard. I know!
Did yours contact you? I couldn’t cope without you guys
Yes… I thought you read my reply to your post. He emailed me several times since Friday night. He asked to see me. As much as I want to be with him I know he’s no good for me. Before that I had not heard from him in almost 2 months. I was texting and emailing… NO REPLY!! It hurt me, but I realize I had to let him go.
I know you’re right. I kept a journal and one of the entries I come back to is something I wrote towards the end. An hour with him always made ne feel like crap about myself! I alwats felt ‘less’ after being with him.
He never proactively touched me in 2 years. I instigated every thing. Stopped calling me sweet names 2 years ago. But still said I love you several times a day right up until d day
Positiva can I do one on one with you
I know these things
Ahhh Cindy I see – no for some reason I didn’t see that you were still contacting him and he ignored you for 2 myths
Yep… He did. He started this past Friday night… But is still an asshole blaming me for everything! True sociopath!! Asked to see me then NOTHING!! Came back the next day and told me that I don’t deserve his reply because I said some things that were unforgiveable to him. Ha!!! Whatever….. He can keep it moving!!! I’m over him.
I wish I had your strength
Joelene, make today perfect. Just for today. Just for right now. Look around you at what you are grateful for. Shut him out, honestly once you have done so and are further on, it is a lot easier.
Joelene, you do have the strength. Believe in yourself and you will soon see it. We have all been where you are right now. It is a real struggle. Trying to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. It does get better and it does get easier. You just have to believe that you can do this. Take it day by day. Eventually you will realise it was a week, then a month then a year since you moved on.
Go and treat yourself. Do anything that makes you feel better except for making contact. Make this the time for Joelene. Where you can learn about yourself and better yourself. You were in an abusive relationship. You are a survivor!! Keep going and be proud of what you have achieved and what you will achieve.
Joelene…. I was right where you are not to long ago. Yes, he’s emailed me all weekend.. He was between blaming me for ” hurting him” and wanting to see me. Just crazy!!! We had a very strong sexual attraction for each other so I’m sure that’s what he wants. Secretly I’m flattered that he still wants me in that way BUT I know he’s no good for me so I’ve been declining. And guess what? I still love and want him but I’ve learned to love me more!!! You will get there. The others are right…. Do something extremely nice for yourself…throughout all my pain and miserable I always kept up my appearance: getting my hair done, manicure, pedicure, makeup, etc. If you look good you will feel good about yourself!! Sending you a BIG HUG!!!
Aragh this is a slippery road down Cindy you sound like me. I would return time and time again, all that it brought was more loss.
Joelene – I agree with Positivagirl – look after yourself, have your hair done, have a manicure, do whatever you like best to make you feel good. Just one little thing at a time to make yourself feel good about yourself. You don’t need some lying, scheming, manipulative man, you are a good, kind person and he didn’t deserve you, never will.
I do understand that the illusion of being passionately loved is like a drug. But it was an ILLUSION, not real. If it was he wouldn’t make you feel this way now.
You have suffered a form of abuse – we all have – and it has a profound effect on your emotions and the way you function. It won’t feel right again straight away, it takes time. Little by little you will be able to enjoy life again and the memory of him will become more balanced. I really hope that you can find comfort in the care of friends, as I have, it makes you realise that people who genuinely care about you don’t shout about it – they show it lots of small ways. This was not love he showed you, Joelene, it was abuse, please don’t forget that and don’t let him win. You are a far better person. Stay strong, Lana x
I’m not going back …. I’m just so happy and proud of myself that I can communicate with him and not desperately want him back!! 😊
Cindy – communication is a slippery downhill road as Positivagirl quite rightly says. You can’t outwit a Sociopath. I think you feel happy because you believe he needs you, this is part of the game, as is the impression of sexual attraction. Mine used to say frequently to me that “Men can’t fake it” that’s rubbish – they can, and do, to get what they want. Nobody is going to tell you that you can’t be friends or whatever you wish with this man, but please don’t start to believe that he’s telling the truth – if he’s a Sociopath he doesn’t know what truth is. You are doing so wonderfully well, sound so positive and confident, please don’t let him undermine it. Best Wishes to you and all who are struggling to let go – Lana x
Mine would tell me ‘men tell you exactly what you want to hear’….. he was right too. The trick is also, that you feel better, and stronger, then get sucked in by their pity play, thinking that they can’t hurt you. They keep this act up, until they have lured you in, then BANG back to the same thing and you are back to square one again. Worse is that they would have less respect for you than before for taking him back.
Lana… No, you misunderstood. I am happy because I was able to resist this man whom I’ve NEVER been able to resist!!!! He tried all weekend to see me. It’s true that I was sick with a cold BUT in the past I would have taken out an IV WHENEVER he wanted to be with me!!! I’m happy because I should STRENGTH!! I know it a slippery slope with the communication which is why I’m not planning on continuing. I keep telling you all that I’m not your average victim!! That 2 months of him ignoring me made me stronger!! He doesn’t affect me anymore.
Well that’s great news, Cindy, you’re amazing and strong! I certainly would never have been as strong as you, I resisted meeting, but always gave my time over the phone. Long may your determination continue! Lana x
Thanks!!! OMG… It was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do!!! But once I made the decision I was ok. And as I said I still love him and wish that he was someone that I could be with.. I just know he’s not good for me. I’ve come so far to go back to feeling worthless and low. We all can do it… Put yourselves first!!!
Cindy can I email you
The funny thing is he went back and forth between telling me how would never forgive me for saying hurtful things to him ( after he cold heartedly discarded me) and wanting to see me. He’s confused. I said something that was maybe ungiveable and I apologized. If he doesn’t accept it oh well. As I explained to him I’ve been beyond hurt by his lies, seeing other women, schemes that I didn’t deserve. So…..
Thankyou Lana
Yes you got me thinking. I’m a strong smart capable woman with love and friends all around me. But yrs I let this guy lie to me for 5 years, cheat, use, mock, and generally make me feel disgusting about myself. I don’t know why I allowed this – I wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone!!! Let alone turn up day after day, and now chase him fir more!!! Ugh!!
It is like abuse yes! I just never really looked at it that way.
J
Gosh that’s so true – mine used to say that too!!! All the time.
Positiva whst you say about them having less respect than any they may have had before (the minute amount they had). This really bothers me! I like to think people like me… Now I know I’ve done things that make him think even less of me than he must have thought when he was at least pretending to love me.
Pulling out your iv to see him? Yeah thst sounds like me
Cindy thanks for this
So I was with sp 4.5 yrs. Every day! Trips away. Promises to get married… Everything. He lied about his name, his ex, his money and ultimately on dating sites.
I am fully obsessed with him and it’s been 6 mths since he pulled pin (with new gf openly for 5.5 mths but I know he was seeing her for at least 8)
I’ve been texting since he ended it – every few days. Hes totally moved on. I spoke with him today and he said he’s happy to stay in touch but only rarely. Ugh the shame. Thst this fool can deign to tell me when he’ll speak to me – Ugh who have I become!
My question to yoi Cindy is were you this bad, and we’re you really able to get almost resilient in 2 mths?? I’m not going to use nc as a way yo make him miss me or contact me… But could I truly feel that much better in 60 days???
Joelene, I feel exactly the same way as you in so many ways, and the things he did to you were EXACTLY the same things he did to me. I know how hard it is to not contact them, but I want you SO badly to be strong enough to let him go. I know that I don’t have a lot of experience as this all happened to me so recently, but whenever I have contact with him I feel like absolute shit for days afterwards. You have to accept that nothing you say will change him because the person you thought you loved DOES NOT exist. Don’t let him hurt you any longer, you deserve so much better, you deserve love and happiness. Like someone else mentioned, what helps me is writing everything I want to tell him, everything I want him to know, but then not sending it. Just 5 minutes ago I grabbed my phone because I wanted to text him letting him know how evil he is. But the truth is that they LOVE getting these kinds of messages. The only one who suffers is you. Please block him, please cut off all contact with him, he is an empty shell of a human being who feels nothing. Stay strong ❤
@Jolene
I’m sure you will feel better as soon as you begin to apply the no contact policy. It is the only way. When you have the desire to contact him write to you instead this will give you the opportunity to say what you want to say and to read what you just said. When you see your message it will stop you of sending it to him. We are addicted to them and we are the only ones who can stop it. No contact is the answer.
Joelene…. I’ve never pulled out an IV to be with him ( just a medifore) but I’ve NEVER turned down an opportunity to be with him!!! Being with him was always a priority… Everything else took a back seat. So me having a cold would not have stopped me from seeing him before. The no contact for 2 months was forced by him… And yes, I went thru hell: crying, not eating, not sleeping much, thinking of him every waking moment. When I was out doing things with friends it was better. After a point I had to accept that it was over. By the time that he contacted me last weekend I had accepted that it was over. When he contacted me and wanted to see me I felt like I got a little of my power back. I see him differently now. I know what he is, that prevents me from having any illusions that we can be a normal happy couple.
Hi everyone,
I am not sure if I am posting this is the correct section, I just wanted to share my story and hopefully get some support. It’s a little long but it’s my story and I am losing my mind. 2 years ago, the brother of one of my best friends who’ve I known for over 15 years moved next door to me, we became romantic involved and started dating, knowing his who family and his daughter and my son, I never in a million years thought I’d be entering into a world of confusion. Looking back now everything was rushed, we started dating, 8 months we were engaged and married within a year and a half. By the way we just got married in December of 2015. Throughout the whole relationship there were red flags that I noticed but i guess I can say ignored. He was very jealous and would accuse me of always talking to another man or fooling around with someone during my lunch break, he would make comments all day long while I was at work and would bombard me with texts all day long and if I didn’t answer he would go insane. Before him, I was very independent, a single mother who’s son’s father left him when he was 3, I am very successful and have worked my entire life to get where I am today. I had a rough life and always being on my own made me into a very strong woman. I have lots of friends and everyone always knew me as the go to person, the strong one who never take any bull and that’s exactly who I was and it scares me now because I feel like I wasn’t strong at all and just dumb and blind to let this man destroy my life. While we were dating, I purchased my own home and agreed that him and his daughter would come live with me and my son, that is when he proposed. Things would go good for a few days and the next day it was him starting a fight over nothing, I couldn’t understand what was going on. I thought he was bipolar. He would do everything and anything for me and I truly believed he loved me, he made everyone around us envy what was a “fake” fairy tale and I guess I am to blame as well for always making excuses for him. My own family had told me if I was sure I wanted to marry him and being so blind I never saw the actual events that took place. He was a good talker, he put all his convos in to texts and emails and just confuse me to the point of me always apoligizing and didn’t even know why I was. I would just to end the conversation and fight that I had no idea why he started to begin with. Last summer I started looking into emotional abuse and told him he was emotionally abusing me, he would get so angry when I stood up for myself that I would literally walk on eggshells around him, He hated every male figure in my life including my own father. He would focus on anyone and create a story in his head and accuse me of the craziest things and when I would tell him he’s doing just that he would turn around the whole thing and start to make me believe I was such a bad partner and I make him this way. After we got married he was getting worse and I felt it in my gut something was going on. The day of my wedding day I cried so badly before walking down the aisle because I knew marrying him was the wrong choice but still did it. We had a NY 150k wedding with 300 guests, and 6 weeks later I kicked him out. He destroyed Christmas for me and the kids by ignoring everyone in my family and then told me it was all my fault because I was just trying to be my mother who passed away 2 years ago. A few weeks later I found an old phone of his and even though he was so abusive to me verbally and emotiionally I never thought he’d cheat on me. Well lets just say that his iphone was still connected to his email and social media accounts while on wifi and I went through everything, not only was he sending naked pics of me to his ex girlfriend when we first started dating but he sent out vendor contract to her the day we booked our wedding and our save the date. He contacted her at least once a month just to make sure she knew he was there. I knew her as well and contacted her and she told me straight out that getting away from him was the hardest thing she ever had to do and as I can see he still is there. The day that I was going through the phone his email was still active, and I watched live an email being exchanged between him and his ex, and him asking her to be sexual with him and to meet him for drinks and dinner, I watched this email go back and forth all day until I responded to it from his email and said you’re caught!! Not only did he blame it on me and say he wanted to get caught he then started threatening me. I found pics of him with a naked girl and in the picture it was him laying on her bed and she was walking around naked, all you can see is his boots and shorts and when I confronted him he went gave me every excuse on how that wasn’t him until I conatcted the girl and told them both that if he didn’t tell me the truth I would call her boyfriend and that is when he told me it was him in the picture and then told me that she was his drug dealer and when I spoke to her she told me everything and how and what he was buying. Turns out he was buying prescription pills for 26 dollars a pill for over a year and stop giving me his paycheck months before that and I was so busy with the wedding that I never noticed. I was paying all the bills and floating the house while he was sneaking out of the house at night with my car to buy pills. I even found that he took my son with him one time and showed him the proof. Of course he fabricated another story. I found emails to craigslist woman and just so much porn I was disgusted. While I do believe he never physically had a realtionship with any of these woman because he was always home, I will never know but even finding what I found I kicked him out 6 weeks after our wedding. He has not left me alone for every waking second for the last 8 weeks, the abuse, the creating new emails and numbers to reach me, passing my house at night, coming to my job and sitting outside for hours, I told him I just needed space to clear my head and leave me a lone and not only did he not leave me alone he has consumed every waking second. Threatened me to file the divorce and when I did he said why did I file the divorce. He has said I put him through so much in the last 8 weeks that I am the abusive one when I am only reacting to his actions. I love him and I am starting to miss him and I can’t understand how when everyday he just abuses me more and more. I have been strong for 8 weeks. He is also a recovery addict and has bad spending and gambling problems but tells me he has no problem and I am the one who is a narcissist and I am mentally unstable I am so lost and trying to stay strong. I don’t know what else to do. Thanks for listening.
@StephC, I’m so sorry that all happened to you. I know how hard it is looking back and remembering all the red flags and thinking, how the hell did I not see all this earlier? That is so much to take in, I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. Please do not let him make you believe even for a second that you were the one in the wrong, you were manipulated by a horrible, horrible person and deserved none of it.
StephC – I am truly sorry that you are going through all this trouble, I hope that knowing that so many others have had similar experiences will help. I completely understand the frustration and disbelief that you are feeling. Firstly, I must say that you are still the strong, capable person you were before, but even strong, capable people get lonely, and this is where your Sociopathic man discovered your Achilles heel. I noticed that you said your Mother died only a little while ago, this also leaves you vulnerable, it takes a long time to recover from the death of a parent, and I still miss my mother although she died 21 years ago. Most especially do I miss her at family times, like Christmas. I noticed this was when your SP caused trouble for you even more than usual. I notice time after time here, in people’s stories, that there are some unshakeable truths about SP’s behaviour – some have all the traits, others a selection.
1. Seeking attention from other women, constantly trawling social media/internet to make contacts. Sometimes multiple sexual activity.
2. Pathological lying about everything. Even when it’s not necessary!
3. Twisting reality to make themselves appear as victim.
4. Sponging, living like a parasite on anyone they can.
5. Turning on the tears/threatening to kill themselves in order to manipulate.
6. Appearing as the “victim” to anyone who will listen, which includes lying about the person they are actually victimising.
7. Addiction to porn/drugs/alcohol.
8. Adopting a persona to suit a situation. Can include changing name and personal information to suit situation. Can be very charming and make themselves liked by people who don’t know them properly.
There are many more traits outlined excellently elsewhere on this site, but these are the ones that seem to crop up frequently. Your man seems to have most of these, as mine did. It is a fact that men use children in divorce cases to manipulate their partner, of course women often do this as well. For this reason, it is better that lawyers do the negotiating, or mediators. I feel very strongly that SPs love the attention that conflict brings. I also believe that they enjoy it if you try to reason with them – because they know that YOU WILL NEVER WIN an argument with them. They are dirty fighters, illogical and completely lacking remorse or conscience. I say – do not attempt to reason, argue or debate because you will end up madder than ever with anger and frustration. SILENCE is the best reply – let professionals take up your case.
I don’t want to sound negative, but I listened for years whilst my SP talked about his experiences divorcing his wife in Texas. Their young child ended up in a psychiatric unit for a month because of his and her mutual accusations. Both were trying to win. Of course, now I understand that the picture he painted was all skewed in his favour, but at one point he won residency of the child, despite being a chronic alcoholic and addicted to prescription pills, and also a totally unfit father in every way. He achieved this by putting on a good show in court (they are consummate actors) and making his ex wife lose her temper in front of the judge. Now, I feel for that woman. She soon got her child back, he didn’t really want him, he just wanted to win. I’m trying to say Steph, that it’s so vital to realise that you can’t reason with a Sociopath. Please let professionals do the talking for you, he will use any opportunity to discredit you. People who really know you will believe you, but you must try to stay calm, and not let his particular form of madness undermine your confidence any more.
I am truly thinking of you, and wishing you all the luck in the world in your battle to free yourself from this man who used “LOVE” to try to control you. It’s not Love, it’s abuse. Best Wishes from Lana x
Oh my god how I can relate to this. I put absolutely everything aside to be with him, any opportunity to see him I snatched up. He was literally like a drug to me. I’m SO proud of you for not going to see him 🙂 so strong of you
@Kat, Thank you so much. The latest of what just happened last night, he told me he was going to kill himself which I’ve heard so many times, so I called 911 and told them he was a danger to himself and when I text this to him, he was very much alive and then was telling me how he was about to have a threesome and the only danger he was to was the 2 blonds in front of him. He also sent me several emails over night saying how I am the crazy one and then and went and sent text mesages to my friends saying I need help and I am crazy. I am beside myself he is trying to make it look like I am the crazy one. Everything that I have said to him, that he was abusive, that he needs to seek help and how horrible he was to me, he turned it all around on me and sent me this huge email on how he was so amazing and I was the abusive one. He is such a con artist that he has people believing I am nuts. Even when I show him the proof of his lies he still comes up with another lie. Now he is threatening me to make me loss my job, take my house from me, put me in jail for going through his old phone which was in my name and disconnected. The stress of him trying to bad mouth me all over is so heart wrenching because unless people have seen it and lived it they will believe him. Can I post his email here?
Thanks Kat!!! Like a drug… I wanted to and it occupied my mind all that night ( like withdrawal ) it helped that I was sick and had no energy. Yes, I have NEVER declined an opportunity to be with him!! I mean NEVER!!!
Wow Steph, how manipulative of him… can you just cut this crazy man out of your life completely? I know it’s easier said than done but I can’t imagine beginning to heal when he is still doing things like that to you. Tell him to leave you alone, that you want no contact with him whatsoever and block him on everything. You cannot try to reason with these people, or try to get them to own up to their lies. They are not like me or you, they are not normal and treating them like they are will only frustrate you and prolong your pain.
That’s the biggest problem, he is using the divorce papers as leverage, one day they are signed the next day he is contesting, I have blocked him on everything and he creates new emails, gets new phone numbers and even paid some service to make it look like my friends were calling me and when I picked it up it was him. He was passed my house every day in the middle of the night, he would sit outside my job until I would leave. I have so many police reports on him, he doesn’t care what the consquences he faces. He said he is going to put me through the ringer in court. He has already put me in so much debt by using my credit cards when we were together, I have a 4 year old that I get so financial support from his father, and now my lawyer is charging me 400 dollars and hour. I cry myself to sleep every night I cant get out of this nightmare, he sends me such horrific things and he is breaking me down so badly. He’s taken my soul from me and just won’t divorce me. I don’t know what do anymore
@Lana thank you so much for your support. I just got home from an attorney’s office and that cost me 5k just in a retainer all because he just won’t divorce me, yet he is still emailing me that I am mentally unstable and he is going to make sure the courts get me evaluated and how is going to have me arrested for stalking him, he’s basically saying everything I’ve ever said to him and he is still sitting here believing and trying to make me believe that I’m the one with the disorder. He’s so good at that I start to second guess myself. I threw him out 8 weeks ago and yet he still gets to me. He still places the fear inside me even though my lawyer is telling me he has no leg to stand on. Why?? Why is he capable of still getting to me. I blocked him and all he does is create new emails and change phone numbers to get in touch with me. The lawyer asked why I haven’t filed the restraining order and because I know it will jeopardize his custody, but why should I care when he’s does this to me. He puts so much fear in me. I’ve been so strong and keeping my boundaries and I feel like he’s breaking me down. I’m so afraid that I’m going to have to sell my home that I worked my whole life for just to pay for legal fees. I’m so lost and feel so alone I can’t even be the mother I always was to my 4 year old son who had his birth father walk out on him when he was 2 and then my current husband who he believed was his dad. I start feeling like I failed him and I’m failing myself. Why is this happening to me? You mentioned my mothers death and I’m sorry to hear about your mom as well, no matter how much time goes by it still always hurts and he used that saying I never grieved because I was so strong and held my family together when she died being that I was the youngest and was her proxy and making all her medical decisions and because I knew how sick she was I knew she was tired of suffering and living in pain and that’s why it was easier for me to grasp reality but he insists that I never got over her death and that’s what made me like this. He says I’m the one with no feelings and exactly like you said with your ex’s ex wife the same here he made everyone believe she was bipolar and put him through hell and the same for next relationship and reading old emails between him and his ex I felt like I was reading my own life. Why is this so hard? Why won’t he just let me go and divorce me???
Hi Steph, I so feel for you. I hope that this will soon be over. This is psychological assasignation. I believe that it can psychologically damage you. Of course it can, they are deliberately trying to hammer you into the ground. You ask ‘why won’t he let go and divorce?’ two reasons 1. Control, 2. Winning. He needs to be in control, and he needs to win too. That is all that it is about. Nothing else. People on bipolar can be medicated, and be totally well, Sociopaths and psychopaths can’t be medicated and be well. Such a liar.
StephC – I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Lawyers do cost so much especially in the US. Does he have the funds to get good legal advice? I doubt it. He’s trying to control you with fear, he’s using all your emotional vulnerabilities to get to you. Of course you are stressed following your Mother’s death, it’s completely natural to grieve and also completely natural to have to hold yourself together for the sake of your own family and little one. He’s using the things that upset you most to undermine your strength. Goodness, it makes me so cross I want to slap him! Take notice of your lawyer, he/she is right – he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He’s trying to scare you, and you’re so stressed he knows that he might succeed. Take a deep breath, and ignore him. If he can’t get a response from you it will make him furious, but if he starts to threaten you – you’ve got him. Call the Police. I would take out the restraining order (My SP’s ex took one out on him as I later discovered) if he breaks it, it looks bad in court.
My ex failed to turn up for later court hearings, and I think this is a pattern of behaviour. When they are challenged they often back down.
It makes me so angry that so many women have to go through this, when all they tried to do was have some love in their lives. In the UK we have a new law making “Coercive control” illegal. Of course this is incredibly hard to prove. But I think the law is beginning to recognise that emotional abuse is terribly damaging.
Legal advice is so expensive in the States, I feel for you, but I hope you have the strength not to fear this man, and to grow stronger every day that you’re away from him. Lana x
@Lana, thank you again for your support. My attorney has handles narcs before so I know he’s the best in the business it just kills me inside that it could wind up costing me 50k just to divorce him and it was only a 6 week marriage. I knew the day of my wedding I was crying before walking down the aisle that I shouldn’t of done it. Today he was acting all sweet and loving and then sexual which turned me off completely and then when I respond with something of realivence he stops answering me for hours so when he responds again it’s on a totally different subject and I was correct and when I kept calling him out on it he started with the I’ve been so amazing to you and how could you do this to me? And here I am thinking what the hell did I do, when I know I’m my head I didn’t do anything but he’s that good. The convo ended with him saying for me to go F myself and how I’ll never realize what I lost. It’s such an emotional roller coaster and I feel like I’m never going to escape and then I question myself, do I even want too? When I know that’s the right choice.
@Morgan whatever you do, do not move back to Brazil for him. If I was in another country than my SP I’d be golden.
Ypu are so right positiva. Control and winning!! That’s all that matters to them
Yes, how are you feeling today Joelene?
Going ok :))) reading this God given site 🙂
Good good, just keep going, how are you doing on this sixty days? What day are you on? Are you focusing on gratitude daily?
And they are very good at the control and winning because they don’t care who they hurt to achieve it.
My sociopath owes me money. I would love to get it back but it means contacting him. I also know that sociopaths don’t pay anything back so there is no point. Sometimes it eats me up but no contact is worth more to me than the actual money. My mum leant me money when I needed it. It was a bit of money. I would love to pay her back but I just can’t at the moment. She commented on it today. I felt so bad because it can play on your mind and I know how it feels when someone owes you money. However I am not a sociopath and have 100% intentions on paying her back. it did bring up feelings of annoyance and hatred towards my sociopath as he put me in that position of asking for money from my mum in the first place. damn sociopaths!!
I know Alicia, it is frustrating, and frustrating that they can get away with it. Using people for money and never paying back a penny of the money that they owe 😦 It is my guess, that he never would pay this back, even if he claimed that he would, likely he would just use this as a tool to play further games with you. Continuing (in his mind) to be in control, and to win – nothing would give him greater pleasure than to be in control and to win – when YOU think that YOU are in control and winning!! – Sick huh?
AliciaP82… My sociopath owed me a considerable amount of money. I had something on him and blackmailed him into signing a promissory note. Otherwise I would not have gotten my money back either. Even on the date that the money had to be paid back it was drama getting it… But I got it and it was much more than he actual owed me.
Joelene…. How are you doing?
Hi mate
Happy to say I’m at 3 days (again) But aiming to get to 30:) which is 3 times longer than my standard. But feeling good. Football started here today and I went to my sons game. Normally I would meet with him for coffee before or after (for the last 5 seasons), so I let the sadness wash over me and let it go:) it was hard but ok.
Joelene… That’s my girl!!! You can do this!! Just keep busy, pray for strength, and keep coming to this site for support. You will soon feel stronger and more hopeful for a future without him. I’m proud of you girl!!!
Ah, day 3 well done. Remember to reward yourself, at least by day 7. This isn’t just about punishment, or sacrifice, it has to be about reward. At least by 7 please do something that you COULDN’T do with him! 🙂
Thanks positiva
I do try to think about the negative things I hated and how freeing it is now to not have to text etc.
Today I’m torturing myself with maybe it was me! Maybe he really didn’t tell me he his name because he wasn’t sure I could be trusted and by the time he did, he knew I’d leave him….so best to keep the secret. And maybe I came on too strong so he couldn’t tell me about some things thinking I would use it to pry myself into his life, and maybe I was too emotional and nuts when I found out he had lied…and therefore started to pull back.
God it was so perfect for 2 years and then started to crumble over 3 years. Was it my fault!???
They like to make you think it is your fault and all you but it isn’t. When I see photos of my ex, I also wonder if it was my fault. Maybe I am obsessed and crazy when I am in relationships. Then I think that I am not that way with anybody so it has to have been him. Kind of why I am scared to start another relationship. What happens if I am the crazy one. What if the relationship with a sociopath has made me insecure, not trust a partner and crazy.
He long did it take for you to find out his name? Did he give you an alias? Sorry, I’ve only come back to reading the comments recently so I apologise if it is in a past post.
We saw each other every day for coffee. Or a hug. Or a chat or more. For 4.5 yrs. Didn’t miss a day even on Christmas day etc!!!
After 2.5 yrs I worked out his real surname. Around 4 yrs I worked out his Christian name.
I don’t know if he was ever going to tell me
That is strange hey. Definitely had something to hide. What did you call him during this time? I knew my sociopaths first and middle names and only found out his surname 6 months before we broke up. He has 2 middle names and I seriously thought the second name was his last name. He even had this on Facebook (one of his accounts. After I found out his real surname, I found another account he had.)
I thought his name was ‘john peter smith’ (pseudonym for this site) and called him John for the whole time. 2.5 years in I worked out it was brown so I said do you promise your name is John peter brown? ‘yeS’, no more lies you promise? ‘i promise’, then 2 years later I worked out his name was Bradley James Brown (again a pseudonym for here)
So my question is, could he have any genuine reason for maintaining this for so long and did I ruin it by losing my sh@t when I found out lie number 1
Bearing in mind I later found out he lied about his wedding, his settlement, his ex finding out about me, his ex continuing to do paperwork for him, purchase of trucks, and then being on dating sites for the last 18mths
Wow… I feel like reading all of your stories is like reading my own. Last week my ex and I got into a huge fight on the phone and he blocked me all weekend. Instead of feeling sadness and loss, I felt relief. I was able to enjoy my time and not think about him and what he was doing. So Monday rolls around and he decides he wants to talk… He begins messaging, emailing, texting and calling in intervals. I didn’t respond. Not like 5 messages. Like 50+ a day. Conversations with himself; all ending with him saying he deleted my number and got the picture. Which was obviously not true. It went so far that he asked his sister to reach out to me. I broke contact and started talking to him again. He wants me to go back. This means moving from the USA to Brazil and he wants me to do that- again. This last week I went on an interview for an amazing job in the financial center of San Francisco. Everything about the job is amazing. I will find out next week if I got it or not but its like he wants to take the life I’m trying to build away from me. I had been living abroad for 6 years, struggling. I came home and it’s been hard but I got a new car, I’m going on amazing interviews for jobs I never thought I would have (because I always thought I would stay abroad to be with him) and I’m finally happy and laughing and enjoying life again. I feel strong, confident and I don’t feel like I need someone in my life romantically at the moment. It doesn’t even feel like that’s missing now. BUT IF COURSE I STILL LOVE HIM…. And a small part of me is considering going back if I don’t get this job- even though I could continue applying for similar companies and positions.
I just realized I’ve been cation a sociopath. I don’t know what to do or where to go? I’m lost and I feel broken. I can’t stop. It started almost three years ago. I was married and my husband and I were not getting along. I went to my friends house to vent and tell her all the things my husband was doing to break me. Unfortunately, that’s where I met, Jay. He heard every word I said. My friend had been conned by him too. They weren’t dating, she was just trying to help a friend who said his family kicked him out. At the time I didn’t know he was using all my problems with my husband to shape himself in to who I needed. Everything my ex husband didn’t give me emotionally, jay did. I was stupid. I didn’t even realize he was a sociopath until last night. I read through the traits of a sociopath and it was jay to a T. I sent it to my friend and she was blown away about how it sounded just like him. I have a child with him now. He hurts me mentally daily. I want to stop, but I can’t, I always go back. I’m lost and I need help. I need someone to tell me I can do this and that I’m not a complete idiot. I fell for this. I can’t stop trying to get his attention. I told him a few weeks ago that him not texting me back hurts me and makes me angry and frustrated and no he never replies back to me and sends one message a day. I know now it’s because that’s how he controls me… But how do I stop this? Please help me.
You should change the part that labels “the sociopath” as a male. There are female sociopaths, it’s not just men.
Yes. We know this. This is why only early posts are written about male. Later posts are gender neutral.
This is a really great site and honestly, it kind of brought to light that I was dating a sociopath. See, we’ve always been friends (over 8 years), and decided to give it a shot. As a friend, I really was protected from his more darker side and I resisted his insistence to go out for two years, but I gave in.
Honestly, if anything, I cannot for the life of me remember anything about our time together. All I remember that I was enamored, and then boom. For the longest time, I was confused, lost and felt that I was going insane in my mind. I could not understand AT ALL how one person can go from saying i love yous constantly to openly mocking me and saying I am crazy. I guess there were some subtle hints that led to this that I brushed it off – the way he would always ask me if I loved him, the way he would leech off of me, the way he would always make me do things that he should be doing instead, him flying in a rage every time I imparted a criticism of his behavior, and then turning on the tear works when I would hold my ground in arguments.
Even worse, after some periods of non-engagement, he would always come back, asking for forigveness about his behavior but at the same time firmly establishing his dominance. Still maintaining that he did all he could FOR ME, and still delivering a sting that he never loved me. I ended up embroiled in a state of confusion for a long time,
But, I’m an empath. And naturally I am waaaaaaaay more vulnerable to manipulation and it seems that I just attract sociopaths (my other ex boyfriend that I was in a 7 year relationship was self-confessed sociopath).
After this interaction, it kind of messed me up and I am still in the middle of healing. The worst thing is when you start asking yourself ‘How on earth did this happen.. again?’. Not only that but it seems I can’t avoid him and inside I just have such unresolved anger towards him and I almost feel like warning the other girlfriend as she is my neighbour (charming of him, isn’t it).
Hi queen
I am very similar, I can’t actually recall many memories of our 4.5 yr relationship that weren’t of me filled with angst or pain at all his lies and coldness, and an occasional Hollywood style glimpse of lying in his arms hearing sweet words whispered in my ear.
I’m also on empath and such a sap!! But now hes moved on with whoever he was cheating on me with… And I’m ignored!
But day 6 nc 🙂
I think the worst feeling I’ve been getting is because I cannot remember those good feelings (only bad ones), that the couple of times we have talked after he got back to his ex was him saying he loved her and etc, it almost wants to push me in a frenzy of a ‘PLEASE DON’T ABANDON ME’ (I also have BPD, which I’ve read naturally attracts sociopaths
)
Although, it’s weird, but I really do miss his company in a friendship way. But again, sometimes I just need to remind myself that he’s a user and probably deep down inside he never really cared for me.
Wow, I’ve been on day 3 with nc, and I’ve already ran into him twice (our city is waaaay too small), so here we are, resisting as much! But keep strong, and I always try to remind myself that it gets easier with each passing day.
Still, this would make a good book one day LOL
As soon as I read, ‘please don’t abandon me’, I thought ‘bpd?’ I can see why this is tough for you. You say that you naturally attract sociopaths? I would suggest (and you could tell me that I am wrong), that this is because they are capable of offering a perfect mirror image for you, and of offering you exactly what you are looking for. The long term partner. The stability. Also at the same time, sociopaths don’t really mind the I hate you, don’t leave me mindset that comes with the BPD, as they don’t have real feelings to be hurt. This can feel quite comfortable. It of course leaves you in a very dangerous position of being around someone who will use you, and play games with you, often to your cost.
Well done to you being day 3 on No Contact. Do you have any support for BPD? I have heard that Dialectical Behaviour therapy is good therapy for BPD?
You are right, it probably would make a good book. Did you know, that from what I read over on sociopath world, people with BPD are the only ones who freak out the sociopath. They call them Beepers…. as you constantly change also, it makes it more difficult for them to fully manipulate you, it is as much of a headache for them, as it is heartache for you being with them.
You need stability in your life, you will not get this with a sociopath. They might not mind the drama, in fact they might be drawn to it. But always there will be a loser with the sociopath, and the loser would be you.
Joelene, day SIX!! Well done that is awesome!!! 🙂
Great job Joelene!!! Day 7 will be easy!!!
positivagirl… Indeed, this could be part of the problem where I would latch on and become attached when someone mirrors the perfect image for me. And that was part of the problem, I believe my ex thrived on the whole ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ as he would NOT cut me off. He would keep saying, I can’t leave you like this etc etc. With time, it just seems that I was the loser in all of this, and I was the one that got hurt.
I used to have therapy (I did DBT for 6 months), however since moving back home, I am still trying to look for a therapist.
Huh… did not know that BPDs freak sociopaths out although makes sense, the whole not having a constant identity and changing constantly can put a spanner in a wheel with the mind games. My ex used to tell me that I was an enigma to him and could never figure me out, however the ex that he went back to apparently he used to boast that he’s the one who knows her better than anyone (makes sense then why he went back to her).
It is true, especially since sociopaths seem to know how to push my buttons and send me into a crazy episode.
Positivagirl… Maybe I’m BPD also. My ex-sociopath has loss so much by me and it pissed him off and scares him. I think it kept him with me longer than he really planned ( he said it was the sex). When I think about some of the things that I’ve done to him I sometimes wonder if I’m a sociopath too!! My story is very simular but also different in the sense that I’ve not realty lost anything except hurt feelings and a heartbreak. The only difference is that when I do extreme things to hurt him I actually feel bad and I only do it to make him pay for what he does to me. My friends have also advised me to write a book. I can’t make this stuff up.
Hey CindyT! They say that BPDers can display some sociopathic traits which is why these two get often confused (although BPD have too much empathy and have an inner emotional turmoil). Both my ex-sociopaths have also remarked that I scared them as well.
Killerqueen…. This guy can’t really walk away from me, and it’s not to harass or destroy me. I saw him recently and his demeanor was one of dislike and indifference to me ( he spent 3 days calmly telling me that he will never forgive me for hurtful comments) but wanted to see me. He know that I’m a kind and loving person put I have that other side where I will hurt him if he hurts me. It’s almost like he hates that side of me but missed it too. It’s interesting. If I could stand to be in some kind of relationship with him I think he would be around for a long time…. I just can’t. My friends all say that he won’t admit it but he likes the excitement of my drama. Just crazy!!!
Have you ever tried an online test for bpd cindy?
No. How do I test for it?
I scored a 26, which is 80% chance that I’m BPD. It may explain a lot.
Tomorrow is gonna be the first time in 5 years that I haven’t spoken to him for an entire week… only got through it because I blocked him on everything. It’s so so hard, I miss the person I thought he was so badly. I loved him so much, and I thought he loved me back. I still want to believe that there’s some part of him that’s grieving too, that he misses me, when I know very well there isn’t 😦 I gave him everything I had, and he made me feel so accepted, so loved, like absolutely nothing in life could go wrong if I had him to lean on. And all along I was nothing special, just an easy target, a vulnerable 16 year old for a 50 year old man to drain and leave for dead. Then he took what he learned from me and just used the info to lure more girls. How could anyone be that cruel? To enjoy the pain he’s inflicted onto girls the same age as his own daughter? God, this all still feels like a nightmare I wanna wake up from
Hi Kat…. I’m sorry that you’re going thru this. We’ve all been there… Several times!! You were doing good, just try to get back on track. I had to have a mini breakdown before I could REALLY LET HIM GO. Something snapped inside me, the next day I was ready to emotionally let him go. I have no anger, just a sense of THANK GOD I GOT AWAY!!! And that I have positive things to look forward to in life. Just try to stay busy, surround yourself with friends and people who love you, journal and pray for strength. Sending you a hug!!
Hi kat
I know what you mean I just can’t handle it some days!!! I too can’t believe that someone could be so loving and available one day, to cold and nasty the next.
It’s been 6 mths. I miss who I thought he was!!! But he was nevee that person. I’m back to day 1 nc.
God help me
Thank you Cindy ❤ I am trying to stay busy to avoid overthinking about him, he's not worth it!
You’re welcome. You will get there… You just had a bad day.
Ugh!!! Got to day 9!!! Texted him to have a nice weekend and hope he’s well. Of course no reply.
Ugh so disappointed. He doesn’t want me anymore, probably didn’t for 3 of the near 5 years we were together. Get it through my head!!! I think it was triggered because I was at an old haunting ground of ours. Ugh Ugh Ugh
Ok back on horse… Aiming for 30 days
9 days is still something Joelene! It’s not easy… Don’t think like that, it’s not that he doesn’t want you. You can’t let yourself forget that he’s not normal. You did nothing wrong and there’s nothing you could’ve done to change the relationship. Be thankful that you got out of it alive and stronger!
Thankyou my friend x
I’m really happy to have found this web page, and I’m looking for some advice. I feel that because I’m potentially under the spell of a sociopath, I’m struggling to tell whether I’m dating an actual sociopath or just an incompetent jackass…
We met on the internet 8 months ago and he made me feel very special. He moved things along quickly in the real world (no gifts/meals/marriage proposals though as he doesn’t actually have any money) and said ‘I love you’ and that he had never met anyone like me. That he usually doesn’t care for what ‘comes out of girls mouths’, but I’m different. All my friends and family find him charming, relaxed and well balanced. I’m barely introduced to his friends and family.
I feel smug that he doesn’t look at other girls at all in public when we’re together. He does however tell me he is a ‘womaniser’ and his 3 favourite things are girls/sex/fruit. He also insists on telling me how some ‘crazy’ student of his is in love with him and asks me if there is anyone in love with me. When he talks about her he always asks if I’m jealous.
He also tells me how he would prefer sexual attraction to an intellectual connection in a relationship.
We appear to have loads of ‘values’ in common and we even show up to a date dressed almost the same.
I discover within the first few months that he has a nasty attitude to the slightest sexual rejection (I’m tired/on my period) and threatens to ‘wank in the toilet’ if I reject him. He tells me that he thinks we have gone ‘beige’ because for 2 nights in a row I was stressed about work and not very focused sexually.
I noticed that a lot of nice experiences become tainted by his mysterious sulking, which when confronted about, manages to blame entirely on me being ‘oversensitive’.
I start to notice he creates arguments in time for me to be going to spend time with friends, again, twisting the argument to look like I created it. Having been in an abusive relationship previously, I fall for this once and miss out on a dinner with a friend, then the following times continue to just see my friends as planned and deal with him afterwards.
He protects his phone constantly, and goes on it until 3am most nights we spend together. I decide to just trust his behaviour. But noticed that he still messages his very young ex-girlfriend who lives overseas. Around 7 months into the relationship I noticed he has switched off his facebook notification alerts. I confront him about this and again, its my fault. He says he doesn’t feel safe checking his phone around me because I’m always snooping and paranoid.
There have been a few evenings where he has been uncontactable (he is someone who always has to be on is phone) and I have also seen blonde hairs in his room and condoms appear on shelves (we don’t use them). When confronted he so calmly has an excuse and I drop it pretty quickly. He is also very quick to label me ‘crazy’ and ‘ill’ in those situations
He mysteriously wants to take breaks which makes me suspicious, then one day recently my gut feeling just became so overwhelming that I asked him to just show me the last few people he had been talking to online, otherwise I can’t be in the relationship anymore. No dark corners. He straight up refused saying he needs his privacy, but that I should just believe he has nothing to hide. I left the room and checked if he went straight onto facebook, he did. I broke up with him then and there and he wouldn’t leave my house, saying he was going to propose marriage/that the bracelet he bought me at christmas (wrapped up nicely from a shop) was actually an heirloom/that he wanted me to go on holiday with him. Sheer panic.
He eventually left but I’ve since received emotional messages telling me my ‘cruelty’ has made leaving me so much easier. He feels he has seen the real side of me (because I forced him out of my house and gasped/laughed when he told me about the heirloom). He also told me how I’m the best thing in his life because in the past he has made mistakes which have destroyed so many friendships/relationships.
I’m torn about the phone incident because you can’t demand to see someones phone, but he wouldn’t just give in and show me and also behaved in a very sketchy manner.
He’s since sent other messages telling me how much I’m his best friend and he’ll miss me. I’m currently ignoring him but I feel like he could be sucking me back in. I feel convinced he is a pathological liar, but without the proof I just can’t accuse him. He swears he has never cheated but again I just feel like its lies. I feel like he needs to ‘win’.
He doesn’t have a regular job and I know he stole from one job he took recently and bragged to me about it. I pay for things and also took him on holiday – I don’t mind doing this but there are very few ‘thank yous’. I put this down to a pride thing, but have recently worried its an entitlement thing. I noticed he can afford to buy a laptop and ipad in the same week, yet not pay back his debts to me or pick up any bills.
I’ve wondered about him truly being a sociopath because he does seem to show empathy. The first time he made me cry he was very much like ‘awww don’t do that, I can’t be mad when you do that’ and the argument got less severe, but then I just remembered that last week I cried during sex and we stopped, but whilst still in tears he coerced me to ‘finish him off’. Hmm.
He has also been very loyal, remained good contact with me throughout and great when I need help with project work. He has however once flipped out at me for ‘working too much’ so I promise a great time when I’ve finally met the deadline, but when this time came around he wasn’t even that hot about seeing me.
I seemed to have begun this personal account asking for advice, but now that I’ve written it down its very clear that I need to get away from the relationship before its too late.
Hi Sam, welcome to the site. I expect that it felt good to be able to get this out? How does it feel now that you have written it down? I know what i can see reading your words. The truth is whether you want to believe it. I think sometimes we can give people more chances than they deserve. The truth is that you are feeling insecure with this man. I think from what you write, that it sounds like he is playing games. The whole ‘heirloom’ that is at least manipulative behaviour. If you hang out with someone like this for too long, they start to steal not only you heart, but also your mind and your soul.
Hi Sam…. Yep, he sounds very much like a sociopath. At the very least he’s a user. Dump him and move on… You deserve better.
Sam, based on the experience I had with a sociopath, this guy sounds very much like one too. Moving the relationship quickly, telling you he’s never met someone like you, hiding what he’s doing on his phone, making you out to be the one who’s always at fault; all red flags. Don’t for a second believe that he has the ability to actually empathize because they are very good at acting. I look back and remember all the times the SP I was with cried, or acted sad and remorseful, and while I thought it was genuine at the time, it was so very much all just an act. He also used to make me feel crazy for wanting to see his phone because it was “private”. I spent years trying to convince myself that I could trust him, that I was just being jealous and he was right. Then I found out that he had TONS of other relationships with girls just like me. Get his toxic ass out of your life, you deserve SO much better.
They always have their phone, internet, computers, tablets, every single damn thing about them PRIVATE – but demand to see everything about your life. Ugh… like emotional rape.
I am (was) married to a sp for 17 years. Long story but he cheated many many years and I didn’t know it. Thought it was a perfect marriage. He is Muslim and I moved to his country. He’s rich. Powerful and very important n his country. We have three children together. 8years ago he left said he wasn’t happy. We only had one child then. I was surprised because I thought it was great! He left by kept me on a string. Maybe coming back maybe not he was confused. I learned he was dating then but was mad Cus we were still sleeping together n had agreement to not date others eventhough we not living together. I was alone here n this country and financially depended on him and scared. He came home after two years said sorry he made mistake. Everything was great we even had two more children. Perfect life. Then I found him talking to lady on phone when my youngest was only three months old. This was five years after he came home. He stonewalled and left thinking I beg him to come home. I asked him to stop or leave and he left. Said any woman would love to be n my shoes. This was over a year ago. Again he n I did the dance of he’s not here and not committed but still comes around. He said the other ladies were nothing to him and he will always love me he’s just sick. I finally started counseling. My youngest is two this week and his father left us over a year and half ago but constantly says he loves us and wants us. I’m stronger. I see it all now. Thing is he islamicly divorced me. Which is just vocal not on paper. Because of his job and we n public eye no one knows we not together but he still has many many ladies. MANY! Many who think they r engaged and have a future. I’m stuck in this country. I love it here so I’m ok. We were n the process of building a dream house which he will give to me n kids. So I must have contact with him for many reasons. I stopped trying to be with him as I understand now I’m just part of his fan club. Except I get the special honor of being the number 1 fan. Lol
It still hurts because I thought we had a great thing. He’s not verbally abusive. Very kind. Charming…. And never argues.
He just has a need to cheat and seek attention from ladies that stroke his ego and he knows he will never be with any of them long term. I saw his emails n phone conversations to them.
I got his phone the other day and made a group text to all of them from his phone and we all shared stories and information! Then I let him read it. Lol
And yet he still managed to lie his way back to some of them. Lol crazy!
I have stopped and I’m only trying to not get sucked back n focus on me and my kids. I gave up a lot to live here. And I’m not going anywhere. My kids and I deserve the life he can provide. I want my dream house we r building. But it comes at a price. This price for now is finding a balance of the pretend wife in public and keeping an emotional distance. I’m n therapy and the therapist also agrees this my best option to get what I need for my kids.
I know the signs. I pull back and he comes with the charm. But I don’t fall like I used to. Last time he started texting I just ignored and answered only when he asked about kids. The more I ignore the more he LOVES me. Then I said just stop pls. I saw ur phone. U love us all! Lol
I said to him I’m not on ur fan club. Treat me like I’m ur ex and mother of ur kids. That’s it pls.
Then I’m so moody and mean! Ha ha
After years of begging him and scared to live here alone I finally have my feet firm and I know he doesn’t know how to react. I enjoy it to some extent. I will be here and I need to balance because I want things from him because he left me with three young kids.
Oh gosh, what a situation to be in. It isn’t that great being the No1 person, that they keep coming back to. Using other people. Do you know why? Because it stops you from moving on with your life. It stops you from having REAL love. I guess it is ok, if you don’t want that. If you are happy for him to have his freedom, while still technically having full control over you and your life. He might allow you to ‘believe’ that you are in control, but … I don’t think that it is like this. You have children together and say that you are happy where you are living. The difficulty comes when/if you want to move on. Divorced or not, he will see you as ‘his’ someone that he owns.
Hi sorry just responding . I had to figure out how to use this site. I was also sick n the hospital. I’m a work in progress for sure. We live n seperate houses. I have to remind him to only talk about kids nothing else. I’m n therapy. Last week I was n the hospital. He mentioned he was going to Germany. I knew it was to play. He has this one girlfriend there for almost 15 months thinking they were engaged n all this. She met her man and he would work her off to his palace n she would be taken care of blah blah. She was one of many and she learned this when I made the group text on his phone. She texted me privately n told me how she loves him n can’t believe all the things n the text. Whatever right??? Anyway. He said he was going to Germany to get me to react. I didn’t. I said I am having surgery n my son will be there with me. I told him do not come to the hospital! Well I came out of surgery n he was there! Then he flew to Germany for his holiday. He kept calling me to see how I was. I was yelling at him to stop calling! I said u r there with ur whores so leave me alone. We r not together. He said I know this but I will always take care of u. Blah blah
I can’t go to America. I am staying here with my kids. I have nothing in USA and as I said I do feel I have to balance things until I finish building my house. This is in five months. He will put the house under my sons name. Once this is done I will divorce him in court. I’m just waiting to secure my house so I don’t have to be dependent like I am on him. My oldest son is 16. Once I get my house trust me he will not have this control over me. I was always weak. I loved him and he knew he could go and come and go and come. But after these many years I had enough. His words r nothing special. He left me cus I asked him to stop cheating! And always tried to keep one foot in the door and these past two months he sees I distanced myself. I’m n therapy this why. I have a masters degree and I work. But I figured he owes me the house so I can raise my kids up in it. Nothing he says r does will ever make me want him again. Yet I do love him. I did for many years and he’s my kids father. But it is over for me. It’s hard because I have to deal with him for the kids.
He is clearly a sociopath. He doesn’t even deny it . Loves ppl loving him and he loves attention and his job just makes it worse with ppl kissing his tail all day.
I dont go to functions with him anymore. I stopped when I entered therapy. But there was years where I fell over myself to please him. Looked the other way n believed. Made myself believe the excesses as to why this lady called him r why he was spotted with that one. I ask n he answered n I believed him cus I wanted to!
My goal is to continue to try n set boundaries. I already pulled back from in laws. I’m polite but no longer go to family functions and they know why. I’m tired of hearing his aunts tell me how great my husband is. ( they Dnt know yet) as I plan to keep it this way until I get that house under my sons name. Then I will try n quietly get the divorce. I have stopped going to same hang out spots I know he’s at. Because when I do I have to pretend to be the wife n hear him do mil jokes. Lol
I know our friends r asking questions but never to my face or his. He doesn’t take his ladies n public. He tells them all we not together but only for pretend n public eye. That was his story for years. But now it’s the truth. Lol
What I am mad about is the signs were there for so many years. And I never paid attention. I was too busy trying to keep him mine!
I found so much info on this but it’s hard to find info on long term marriages with kids like mine. I can’t just go no contact. I have to find a middle ground. I know one day I will want to maybe see another. But I have my work. I’m doing my masters also. One n college, a teenager and two small ones to see about. I’m not bad to look at and I get offers. But I’m just not there yet. I’m so turned off by men right now. I want my house then I’ll consider things. I’m not doing anything to risk that.
I wish I had others who were married n had kids.
What a fool I was huh? Y’all all saw it and I didn’t. I married him followed him around the world. Had his kids.
So i need some advise because i’ve been feeling crazy. Something feels off about her, and she seems to display some level of sociopathic tendencies. Having trust issues lately.
The story: GF and I are moving to another state and in together (her first time), and she decides to go to NZ between jobs for 3weeks by herself. She gets back and the movers show up the next day. It just feels kinda nuts. Normally i’d be cool, but i’m feeling vulnerable right now….
My gf (of a 1 1/2 years) and i are moving to another state together for her job. My job is allowing me to work remotely, but it is risky. I moved from east coast to the west coast for my job so it’s tough. She decided to go alone to NZ for 3weeks. I didn’t have enough cash with less than a month notice so she went anyway. (she’s a surgeon who makes big $) I told her i’m normally ok with it, but right now i’m needing some reassurance and that’s not very reassuring, she ignored me.
Now i’m stuck making the decision, do i stay or do i go. My gut is telling me not so much, my heart says give this a shot.
She does show some signs of sociopathic behavior (sometimes!)
Lack of empathy
Calm under scary situations (surgeon)
Lack of respect
Big ego
Gas lighting
Boredom
Hidden past
Lot of guys have left
Any advise would be amazing!
Scott
Pay attention to the red flags. The pain you could receive from this relationship could keep you down for months and years. Run before you have years of your life invested. Some of us do and wish we had listened to our heads and not our hearts. Something is wrong.
Absolutely Julie
Yes that’s exactly right. You get inklings that something isn’t right but you push them aside the next time they do something sweet.
I’ve just found out my ex sp mother has been diagnosed with cancer. I want to reach out to him but her certainly hasn’t reached out to.me. It’s hard
Hi everyone, this is my 1st time on this site & wow what a relief to have found it. I was an averagely married women for 23 years. People considered us the perfect couple. We had 2 lovely children and all seemed well. in 2006 my life flipped it over backwards… My Son at 14 had to be rushed in for open-heart surgery & then my “devoted” husband suffered brain trauma through a bike accident & was in a coma for 9 weeks & spent 6 months in hospital & rehab before coming come. To my horror, when I had to take care of his cellphone I discovered he had been screwing around our whole married life. When he fully recovered after a year, I promptly filed for and got divorced. My children were 17 & 22 at the time. I then lost my younger sister and my 2yr old niece & 4yr old nephew in a traumatic accident. At the same time my dearly beloved mother at 82 was well in the last stages of Alzheimer’s. Fortunately with the love & support from my children and some good friends, we got through it all well – we kept positive with a cheery & positive outlook and carried on successfully with our lives.
Then … entered a “friend” within a colleagues social circle. She was a self proclaimed Lesbian but only really mixed with the heterosexual people in our social circles. She was quirky, fun & fashionably well dressed. She became closer to our little family in a kind & caring way and before I even realised it, we got into a “relationship” All my friends seemed to like her so I didn’t question whether I had become a lesbian (as I was not physically attracted to other woman so simply realized I had just fallen head over heels in love with another person who just happened to be female. It was a romance of note for at least 8 months & that’s when I started questioning myself about some of her behaviour traits that didn’t make sense. I would always put it down to her “traumatic up-bringing. It got stranger & more behaviour traits started popping out, drinking & then getting aggressive around me to the point that I asked her to leave – her friends started trying to patch things up saying she was sorry & was so depressed, not eating & she couldn’t live without me.
Of course I took her back in – she promised no more drinking & so no more outbursts. It wasn’t long before she started having a few drinks and then some till yet another outburstThis started becoming a regular occurrence and cycle after cycle until I just started keeping quiet so not to send her off on a verbal abusive mission against me again. I had also come to hear the way she was dragging my name through the dirt & spreading disgusting vicious untrue rumours about me whenever she had left home after her outbursts – My close friends who knew her & were always civil to her started urging me to leave her, that they could see so many negative changes in me – I was not the same happy, cheerful person I used to be. After her last outburst wherein she involved my daughter , I had had enough. I packed her things, locked her out, and made it categorically clear in no uncertain terms that I never wanted to see her nor hear from her ever again. I was yet another 1 of her +- 15 failed relationship’s & of courselves they were all to blame (interestingly they were mostly all heterosexual before they met her) – I had endured 4 & a half years with this ex!
It was hectic, I went through a long period of wondering, questioning all my actions and reactions, if it was something I did, or if I was going insane etc.etc. She first posted messages & images of good riddance to bad rubbish & about being free of toxic evil people then she blocked me on Facebook & WhatsApp, however she somehow overlooked the blocking of me on my business phone’s whatsapp & there I saw her next victim, a lady in her office whom I recognised immediately. She was posting support images, you’re amazing ( with a pic of her colleague), I wan’t to spend the rest of my life making you smile with a picture of her colleague holding her newborn baby grandaughter etc. I instantly felt numb and sick to my stomach and as though a dagger had been stabbed through my chest. She was doing exactly the same thing to her as she had with me in the beginning! I started wondering if she was a psychopath & that’s when I came across the Sociopath disorder. I was riveted, couldn’t stop doing more & more research. And I was instantly relieved & no longer needing all the confusing thoughts & doubts -that was it , she was a Sociopath.
However, my concern now is that her new target is a strong woman also having gone through a few tough years after her divorce. And I fear she is like a sitting duck & is going to be led like a lamb to the slaughter. I certainly can’t warn her somehow or way or my ex will convince her that I’m the crazy one and that I’m mad, jealous and trying to get back at her etc . Which I am not – My family life & catching up with my good friends (which in the past 2 years after seeing me take her back time & time again have been waning) has made me feel like the person I used to be. For the 1st time in these past 4 years I have my life back on track albeit I can’t bear the thought of being in amother relationship again – my self confidence has taken qiite a knock & any potential candidate frightens the hell out of me. What do I do??? How do we help this women from being her next victim?