@Gilly Beans, I’m sorry for all that you’ve gone through and glad you have a loving supportive family and good friends to see you through. Sociopaths never stop doing what they’ve done to us. They move on from victim to victim, never running out of an endless supply of people to feed off. As my ex SP said, when I tried to warn others, “There will always be more women. You can call everyone in my phone and it won’t matter, I can get more.” I realized I couldn’t save anyone but myself and that’s what I did. Save yourself.
I have been dealing with a narcissist and suspected sociopath for three years.
4 months ago, after a successful hoover, I gave birth to out second child together, a daughter. We have a son who is two.
I’ll call the ex “G” here…
Long story, short, he’s a diagnosed sex addict and narcissist. He comes across as some innocent, damaged victim. He’s charming, knows how to garner sympathy, and is a pathological liar.
My nightmare ended almost two years ago, after 1 1/2 together.
So I thought.
He’s no stranger to smear campaigns and constant attempts to manipulate me. The most sickening part is that he uses two innocent babies in the process. He’s a father when it’s convenient to him but will hide the existence of his kids when needbe, too. He has an ex wife and a daughter who is 12, and he even offered to give her up for me, thinking I’d be flattered. No… it’s sickening.
The Court system where I live in the states has only let me down so far. A judge’s bad calls and understimation of G had me take matters into my own hands over a year ago. I subjected myself to G for the sake of getting an agreement for visits done for our son. Before I knew it, I was sucked back in. Before I knew it, one blurry and stupid night, drunken than snot, I would end up pregnant by him again. To this day, I suspect it was intentional because I would need him and beg him to be with me again. His little plan failed miserably.
I discarded him. Again. Twice now in two years. If anything will piss a sociopath or narc off, that’ll do it, especially when it’s followed by silence. Emails have only been written lately in regards to children. No details. No emotion. NONE. I have learned they feed off of negative attention, so even cussing him out in email was getting a rise. So no more. He’s not worth it.
Learning who and what he is has spared what sanity I have left. I thought it was me with the problem. Not anymore. I found some books on Amazon by a guy named H.G. Tudor, a narc himself, who shares exactly how they think, plot, and destroy. That info had been invaluable.
Our story is not over yet as we prepare for court yet again. G uses these kids to try to maintain some kind of control and power over me. Heck, he even emailed me months ago basically asking me to wait for him while he finishes therapy. HA! No. He’s merely showing up anyway and isn’t actually helping himself. It’s all for show, and I know this. I also know how the game is played now and can read between the lines of what he does write me. He’s always juggled women/targets, he’s stalked, harassed, played the blame game, manipulated, lied, smeared my name, and the turns around and cries foul. I buy it no longer. He gets nothing from me, nor will he ever.
So far, I have to credit my sanity to education and a good support system. Without them both, I don’t know where I would be. Here’s to hoping I can get justice for my babies and me and move forward with that relief at least (he’d threatened harm upon two children to upset me at one point, though, I now suspect he would eventually a use harm just to hurt me more).
While there’s no end in site, I hope to at least rest easy knowing I’ve protected my children. If he insists on stalking me further, he can have at it. No better karma that watching me move on from afar WITHOUT him. 🙂
Hi Kristine, thank you – yes noone else can do it for you. It feels awful though that I can’t warn her next victim but I do know that for now it would cause chaos & none of their group would believe it anyway. Hopefully her next “prey” will somehow get away but I guess these Sociopaths will just move on to another & another. I wouldn’the have had a cooking clue she was a Sociopath. Only, interestingly & Godsent, I saw a fb image which had the word Lying, deceitful and cunning in it with the word Sociopath in the same sentence and there started my first Google & research. Well you could have knocked me over with a feather!!!! Her being a Sociopath was the one thing I could never quite put a finger on when so many things didn’t make sense.
I had this happen to me. I don’t know whether he meets the DSM criteria but he certainly messed me around horribly – came back to me after I said I fancied him and wanted to end the friendship because that hurt – started a relationship with me – was hot, then cold, then a week later, ended the relationship via Facebook (and we had known each other for years – and he lives three miles away). I think what I want, and maybe others, is this: To be told it was wrong. I kept asking my counsellor if it was wrong for someone to end a relationship via Facebook, over and over, because part of me believes I have no right to be upset, none at all.
So: What he did to me was wrong.
I deserve better than that, simply by virtue of being human.
Second, I think we need to be helped to stay away – in all ways. No visits, texts, phone calls – none of that. And we need to be told that this is for us, not him. After how he behaved I felt guilty about the rage in the texts I sent him. I worried I’d hurt him, I worried I was breaking the law. I suspected he’d tell the police. I sent 12 texts over 4 days – actually not much. And if you do what he did, you get that. Actually he couldn’t tell the police because I know about a crime he committed. Ugh, all this.
So I think we need to be told that we must stay away, not for his sake, not because “that’s nasty and we must be good girls!” but because it hurts us. It hurts us horribly and it prolongs the pain.
So: If you contact him, it will hurt you, and won’t care. In fact it’ll make him feel good.
Third: It wasn’t real. All the nice stuff was an act, all the nasty stuff was just a crack of the whip to keep you in line. Nothing was real.
Fourth: We have to work out why we found him so damn attractive and try to never do this again. This is a matter of life or death.
Fifth: And I do not believe this, as this happened to me 2 weeks ago – it will get better. We will get over them. One day we will be reminded of them and roll our eyes and think, Thank God he vanished! The next woman is going through the same hell we went through, and the next, and all of them.
You all seem to talk of psychopathy as if we are all devils. We all appear nice but some of us are not sadistic, and all of us feel emotion just in a self-centered way. We are not all evil but most of us are bored of trivial society. We are the illegitimate child of this world’s society and we exploit that. We are willing to do anything to get to the top. You shouldn’t moap around in disgust at us you should envy us. We are superior to your petty comments and moans about being screwed over. Its life deal with it.
@chucky bore us, I’m sure your superior intellect is more useful elsewhere. We don’t need your back handed encouragement to “get over it” while telling us how not all sociopaths are bad people, just misunderstood. I think we understand you just fine.
Chuckie is a perfect example of the inability to empathize or accept responsibility for the pain they inflict. My life is not a pity party, and while I deal daily with the aftermath of what I experienced at the hands of my SP, I know that his control over me is a thing of the past…
🙂
How bad does the smearing get ladies? I found a video on the Internet of me kissing a man in a pub one night – I was
Drunk and told my sp about it as soon as I got home (and I did return home immediately after leaving the venue). It was ages ago though and it means he must have had me followed! I have read that one must not react or defend oneself in response to the smearing but surely there comes a point where one must ‘take a stand’ of some sort? I’ve also read that it gets worse once the divorce is through, and I have that yet to come.
(The irony is, I found out that he had been cheating on me all through our marriage).
I found that it got worse once they want nothing more from you. Once it is over. If you have anything on them, use it. For example I did eventually tell my ex that should he continue to smear me and my name, that I would send the details of this website to his ex (mother of his daughter) I think he has left my city – we don’t talk so I don’t know he said he did. I hope so. He really went to town smearing me and my name. It did get worse once we had ended. They do this, like ‘killing’ their prey. If they can’t have you nobody else can, and its not even that they want you, they just don’t want anyone else to.
Sick huh? ….. yes. They love to ‘get their own back’ with a smirk and a grin and the mindset of a child that has been scorned. BUT – once they have smeared and ruined you – they can’t do it again. Keep going, one day it will be in the past and you can start to rebuild.
Keep your circle small. Confide in those people who you trust 100%. just ride the storm!
Lol – maybe Chucky should hook up with a SocioP?
Can we not bar this idiot!? This site is not for trolls it’s for people supporting each other! He needs a restraining order and I defo think there should be checks on people like him being able to access our support network. He could well be one of the socios that harm us!!!!
Hello All…my first post. I am a 60 year old man who was recently dumped out of the blue after a 12 month relationship with what I now believe was a woman with either many sociopath tendencies or the full blown personality disorder. She was 19 years my junior, no children.
I have learned about the addiction with the sociopath personality type…I wrestle with that everyday with NC. I admit that I have contacted, and probably forced a bit of closure because of that. But I know understand there is no closure and its all lies etc from their side
My question is why do I have this need to confront, and to show them what they are? I want to send an email or letter listing all of the sociopath traits that are there for everyone to see.
I always questions some of the erratic behavior and stories etc. I do believe she was after some money and when I was always abit wary etc she moved onto someone she had a better chance with
The part of me …a parent who would like to fix things and think that it is the right thing to do…maybe they just dont know ? I know I’m tricking myself .
Is it ever helpful for the victim ..me to do that and just lay it all out. I understand the sociopath doesn’t care but now its about whats good for me
any insights would be most helpful and appreciated
Hi john,
I’m new to the site also. I don’t think we ever get answers. Partly because they want to leave their options open just in case u take them back later. Also they feel it’s our fault and think we crazy for the drama.
I have asked my ex many times why…. Why….
All I get is I don’t know. Never answers. I also get why u repeat urself I told u many times every time and u always have to ask. I said cus u say u don’t know why u hurt me! ( scream)
Ur thinking is right on track. Now it’s about u. But revenge n putting things out there for her r her friends to see will only stop u from remembering it’s about u now. We know the truth. We felt the pain. So just come here n vent n share and ask questions and this will help u.
I always have a need to confront. And I tried a lot to confront. Lol a lot a lot a lot! In a claim way and not so claim way. I sent long text and emails. U name it I confronted. And got nothing.
I realize now I spent so much energy confronting I wasn’t taking care of me. I was focused on the hurt n wasn’t seeing the joy of the moment and the people near me who wanted me around them. My kids. My friends and family.
I am still sad and I’m still hurt. I get triggers often But time helps u not want to confront or ask why.
Hi John
Kindred spirit here I think. My exsp ended it 6 mths ago and I’m still reeling. It was 4 years of daily meetups, daily I love you, my best friend, my fiance….. Turned out he lied about nearly everting. Name, married, business, divorce, settlement, buying new assets…. Even who cut his hair!!!
I think he loved me… At one point… But he stopped.
When? Why? Whst did I do?… God my mind twists and turns by the minute.
The worst was finding out he was online dating for 2 years and actively dated his new gf in the last 3 mths we were together.
In his parting speech, he said he needed space, so stressed, he loved me and I should never give up.
Upon finding out that he had a new gf, already introduced her to his famiky (in 4 yrs I never met them) and then seeing he was still on dating sites – well I wanted to explode. I wanted to out him!!! Humiliate him!
I broke nc many times. All trying to remind him that we could be friebds (God how pathetic!)
He blocked me and I have been nc for 8 days (longer technically as he hasn’t responded to.my texts since late March)
I’m still weak and cry a lot. It’s an obsession issue
But this is abiut us now. Let them go. Good luck to them. They will have terrible lives. We will grow,Learn, be stronger, live great lives!!
We are here for you xx
Joelene, your story sounds like mine. Guess we all have similar stories.
They can become so nasty when they no longer need you or you find out one of their secrets.
Thanks Alicia
Yeah i often berate myself for letting him know that I knew his real name, found him online one time (didn’t tell him the other times) or that I eventually knew he had a new gf after we split up. But it’s impossible to swallow all that she@t without saying something surely!!
But yes, once I was no longer his source of dumbness! And once he got his needs met elsewhere…. I was superfluous.
The new gf meets all his current needs (lives in diff town so lots of space for him, she has young kids so an instant family as a lure for his only child to spend more time with him, and she is happy to go to all family activities even with his ex there which makes the ex very uncomfortable (big win fir him)
So she now meets his current needs. I didn’t. I was turfed
My real issue is about me – why do I care?
I am in recovery now after my relationship with a sociopath. Just returned home from the hospital 8 days. He has broken my heart and spirit and I have not yet recovered my things, (saturday with ct order and police escort) I have nearly lost my job, the respect of most of my family and know it will be many months until I am whole again.
I am new to this site. I am still in shock after learning 4 days ago that the lovely caring and kind man I have been dating for well over a year is a liar and a cheat. From what I have read on this site and elsewhere online he must be some sort of sp, I’ve read about love bombing and triangulation and he did both of those in the first few months we were together. After that I was addicted to him. we made so many plans for the future, he made me feel good about myself for the first time in my life but now I have found out the extent of his deceit the pain is unbearable at the moment. No contact is going to difficult as I work with him, I have started looking for another job but that’s going to take time. I can’t stop crying and feel utter despair about the future. I am ashamed to say it wouldn’t take much for me to go back to him as I love him still but I know the way he appears is not the real man. Anything anyone can say to get me through these early days I will be grateful for.
Hi. Extremely glad to have found this site as I recognise now that sharing this is helpful for my healing and it is my hope that this story will be of help to others too….
It is nearly 4 weeks since I parted company with “p.v” (psycho vampire). I only use this abbreviation at present as it hurts to type his name. I met him approx 16 months ago (shortly after coming out of a disastrous relationship so I was vulnerable) and we hit it off straight away. I felt an immediate connection on many levels. We had so much in common and he felt it too. Everything that I liked, he liked – music, food etc. We seemed to compliment each other perfectly. He said I was the female version of him – like twin souls. The previous relationship before p.v was not sociopathic/narcissistic but it had left me in a state of “need” on an emotional and physical level. P.v didn’t know this but somehow must have picked up on it. Before we met in the flesh he was texting me several times a day. After we met and things had “taken off” he began to text me at least every half hour – day in & day out. If I didn’t text back within his given time frame he became anxious – “where are you?”, “are you ok?”.
At first the intensity seemed ultra-romantic and was very intoxicating especially after the previous emotionally lacking relationship. I really thought this kind of deep (apparent) connection was what I had been waiting for all my life. Despite this, the “nagging little voice” was there from the beginning. On our first date I found out he had no real friends. Said to me that “friends always let you down” so he didn’t bother with them. Only one week after we met the tantrums started. The first tantrum was over me going to a gig with a male friend which had been planned for months before. I asked him to join us several times but he kept giving an excuse. Despite this gesture he proceeded to have a text tantrum on the night of the gig because he assumed that we were really “more than friends”. I ended up having to call him at 1AM in the morning when I got home to placate him. He was very apologetic at this stage over the tantrums blaming it on “his stress” (his stress being that his mother is in a care home with Alzheimers).
I guess as the relationship was so young and we were “soul mates and deeply in love” I glossed over so many warning signs. What I thought was a one off tantrum became a regular occurence. Every 4 -6 weeks like clockwork there would be one. If a male friend text me there was a tantrum (for the rest of the relationship I had my phone on silent whilst p.v was with me through fear of a male friend texting me). If I wasn’t cuddling him enough in bed there was a tantrum. If I didn’t sound pleased enough to be talking to him when he called me there was a tantrum. These episodes invariably involved him storming out of the flat to go home (thankfully we lived apart) then coming wandering back about an hour later blaming the outburst on his “evil ex’s” and how he had been mistreated in the past. As time went on the tantrums became more acidic. About 6 months into the relationship he ceased apologising for the episodes and instead the “red mist” used to come down. This meant that instead of the apologies I started to get abuse on email and text accusing me of being “hollow”, “shallow”, “heartless”. He used to say stuff like “I cant stand you” and “I hate you” yet previous to that I was the love of his life and he “had never met anyone like me”. Now I am not of a fiery nature in these situations and I would do my best to display logic and reasoning to him in a diplomatic fashion. But whilst the red mist was present I may as well have being speaking in another language. His responses bore no relation to anything I had previously said to him. It was like another personality overtook him completely (I am therefore wondering if there is something more than narc/sociopath going on here – it was more akin to “possession”). After the red mist lifted (usually around 2 – 3 days) and I was able to talk to him sensibly he just seemed to brush it off as “one of those things”. Seemed utterly incapable of demonstrating any remorse or empathy. All that mattered was his emotional pain.
In conjunction with the tantrums and the “red mists” something else quite odd started to happen. For the first few months of the relationship he was very happy to visit my friends and family and do the social stuff. Everyone liked him and thought he was perfect for me. He was good at turning on the charm when required. However after a while he began to sabotage any social arrangements that were made. He either “wasn’t feeling sociable” or was suddenly beset with inexplicable illnesses that manifested from nowhere. Whether it was a visit to see friends or a lunch planned with my family he suddenly became desperately ill and couldn’t possibly make it so I used to go on my own. In the time I knew him I had bought 3 lots of gig tickets – all for bands that he particularly wanted to see but on each occasion he was ill or too skint or too stressed (one of them was on my birthday and once again I ended up going on my own). I think in retrospect that this was another control mechanism or a need to disrupt so he had energy focused back on him.
Over time I realised that his work life was also a shambles. Never kept down a job for too long. In the time I knew him he was a caretaker at two schools but seemed to run into issues with authority and couldn’t handle being told what to do. In the beginning I thought he was just unlucky and had some bad bosses but now I see it differently. This was also echoed in our relationship as any attempt on my part to diplomatically address issues with his behaviour was interpreted as me “having a go at him” and would result in another tantrum/sulk. After only a short time in this relationship I had a constant feeling of treading on eggshells. His energy was edgy and unsettled even when there was no obvious reason for it being so. As time wore on and I saw the side of him that was his true self I could see an underlying hatred of humanity (which he admitted) and a deeply troubled soul. In the rare occasions when he expressed his inner state he told me he hated himself yet as soon as he was out of the “red mist” he used to say that he “rocked” and thought he was “awesome”. He used to draw much of the time he was at mine and looking back at his pictures now I see that about 90% of them are drawings of himself.
The whole thing came to a head on Christmas Day just gone. We drove to see his Mum in her care home Xmas morning then we were due at my Mums house Xmas evening and then at my dads Boxing day (both sets of parents were looking forward to seeing us and had bought extra food in etc and had bought him presents). As I drove to my mums Xmas afternoon the demonic black mood started from nowhere and with the reason that he “didn’t feel sociable” and was stressed. I ended up driving him back to my flat so he didn’t have to “be sociable”. I left him there and drove back to my Mums where the abusive texts and emails started once more accusing me of being utter lowlife and abandoning him in his hour of need because according to p.v it was the last Xmas his Mother would ever be around and he was so upset . This by the way, is the same mother that he wished dead on several occassions because the money that was “rightfully his” ie his inheritance, was instead having to pay for her care home. After this last drama my family disowned him and said he wasn’t welcome at theirs anymore. Fast forward to two weeks later and early January this year. I had decided to give it one last shot despite the odds being stacked against me somewhat. Went to see p.v mid January and told him (diplomatically) what had happened with my parents and the general upset he had caused everyone only to be met with “I dont give a f*ck what they think of me”. Enough said. Anyway the relationship limped on. I told him that we would now only see each other every other weekend in the hope that this would improve the relationship and the tantrums were less likely to manifest because our time was more precious. Also told him that he seriosuly needed to seek stress therapy or he would implode. He agreed at the time and said he would seek help but never did – just said it was only beacuse of his Mum that he was stressed and had tantrums – yeah right! From this point on ie when I began to draw a line he seemed to change. Oddly enough there were no tantrums as such from this point but instead he started to devalue the time we were meant to have together. Although we now only had every other weekend together he started to allow other things to encroach on it. 6 months prior to this he was obsessive about seeing me but now I was last on his list. He became oblivious to the need to have quality time together and I could feel us drifting apart. He would allow anything and everything to sabotage our weekends yet showed no understanding (or care) for the pain it was causing. I believe this was because I drew a line in the sand after the Xmas episode and started to reclaim power in the relationship so this for him was a perceived restriction or threat to his vampiric energy supply so he began to back off. In 3 months we had only two full weekends together – all the others were sabotaged altogether or cut short. I had continually tried to adress it but once again it was met with I “was having ago at him” and he would sulk.
The story ended 4 weeks ago. He was meant to be at mine but once again he sabotaged it and didn’t turn up. He texted me with an excuse and I responded (in a calm manner) that we needed to talk as I was frightened that we were drfting apart. He never responded. END OF. I didn’t try and placate him this time or dig him out. Two weeks ago I sent his stuff back in a box with no note – no words for him to feed off (I knew the silence would piss him off). So here I am. I am just coming to terms with what he really is. I realise now that his mother had a similar disorder and made his dads life hell. Maybe it was in the genes or perhaps they are just “born”. Four weeks ago I was keen that I didn’t want to cast a “label” on him and wanted to be objective as far as I could be – which was damn hard given the total lack of closure. However after everything I have read on this site (and others) the truth is undeniably staring me in the face. Its hard to take yet somehow sets me free at the same time. I am still up and down and bounce from sadness (I still miss him at times – or perhaps I miss the persona he projected to me?) to outright anger.
Wishing you all much Light on your healing journey x
Hi Starlight thank you for your comment, and welcome to the site! 🙂 I think that Psychopaths are born that way, and Sociopaths are created that way, but this is just my take on it.
Thank you 🙂 I think this one was “created”. I only ever saw a frail little old lady with no mind of her own (Alzheimers is SO cruel) but he always used to say to me when we visited her that she was a monster to his Dad. P.V left home very young and travelled around without a care in the world. His dad died a few years ago and now that forced him to have to stay in one area to watch over her. Its a sad state but I think its created even more inner conflict for him. The woman he grew up resenting is now a different personality – frail and vulnerable and he has to try and balance that in his head and heart. He still wants to hate her (and still goes on about his inheritance being spent on her care home) but now she is a different Being altogether. That must create so many conflicting feelings. Not trying to excuse the crap I have put up with in the last 16 months but I have the kind of mind that likes to get to the root of things. He had such an easy life – way easier than most people til he was in his 40’s (lived like a care-free child) and now karma, divine intervention, justice – whatever you want to call it has called his number and said “its your time to grow up and take responsibility”. He is struggling and lashes out at people because he is akin to a 48 year old child. Not good.
I’m new to this site and am not sure where or how to post. I only see where to leave replies. My relationship just ended and I am in a tailspin. Starting to realize that he had sociopathic charactertistics. I feel very beaten down and I’m scared of him and the ways in which he is trying to destroy me. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. He blames me for everything.
Hi Christy, welcome to the site! 🙂 I know that leaving them is so difficult as they turn your world upside down. When you say he is trying to destroy you, what is he doing?
So I read two stories about sociopaths and they were all kinda hating about sociopaths. I know there are many sociopaths that do bad things but they can’t do anything about it. I myself was borna sociopath, as in I feel no guild, remorse, sympathie or any of that matter and I can lie and manipulate easily without practise it’s just natural, but I don’t wanna hurt people. I’m a christian and I made very strict rules to maintain myself. It all comes down to you can’t hate a man with autism for not understanding sarcasm so you also can’t hate a man with sociopathisme for not understanding guild
Yes but it is the manipulative behaviour and the compulsion to lie, then feeling no guilt or remorse for hurting someone else that is the problem. We didn’t sign up for a liar or a fake person, but that is what we get.
@Elian
You just sound like a SP, that cannot take responsibility for their actions. I’m the one to blame for the other womens, I’m the one to blame for a 5 digit debt he took without my consent and knowledge at our name, I’m responsible of his child support debt, of his absolute silence to our children, I’m responsible for my ruptured eardrum after he hit me when I was just washing the clothes, I’m responsible of all his bad words to me and our children, I’m the one to blame for watching all the men, I’m responsible of not wearing a burka or shout my mouth of…Oh please…
You know what? I’m just responsible of believe in him and giving him another opportunity and not getting him out of our lives before.
Hi Starlight! I’m always amazed after reading the new posts at just how much these sociopaths resemble each other. You seem like a very intelligent and perceptive young woman and, I have no doubt in my mind that you are determined to leave your albatross behind. It’s so much better to get out while the relationship is relatively new. Too many of us clung to the hope that we misinterpreted what our sociopaths did or, that we were somehow responsible for their actions and could therefore, change our own behaviors and save the relationship. At the end of the day, most of us stayed too long and suffered horribly as a consequence. It is possible his mom his
is on the spectrum somewhere between narcissist and sociopath. I’m convinced most of my sp’s family is narcissistic. I’m happy for you that you are moving on so quickly before years and years are stolen from you. I’m curious, has it occurred to you that his recent lack of interest means he’s found another source of supply. This is how my relationship ended…loads and loads of excuses and commitments on his part meant I couldn’t connect with him for weeks on end. He was, of course, trying to court someone else or, was in fact seeing her outright while shining me on. Mine dumped me at a very needy moment in my life and never discussed the breakup with me at all. He simply announced his new realtionship on Facebook and married her 90days later. I had suggested he see a councilor and had refused to feed into a strange obsession he had over a dog he owned died. He informed me his dog was his one true girlfriend and, as his girlfriend , I was a little confused. I think the suggestion that he get counciling and my lack of sympathy and determination to speak logically to a man who clearly was not being logical forced his hand about me. I became persona non gratis…very quickly. I assume replacement girl, RN, Angel of mercy, tells him what he wants to hear. Anyway welcome to the club. Talking about it with people who understand is really important.
Hi Julie, it being my first post on here and “telling my story” I was conscious how long the post was and there was so much stuff I didn’t want to elaborate on. p.v has an 8yr old son and when I insitgated the “only seeing him every 2 weeks” rule it was the case that he saw me one weekend and the child the other weekend. The one peculiar thing that sets the story different from many on here is that at no point did I have any feeling that another woman was involved. Reason being that despite the gradual devaluing of the relationship after the xmas episode he still maintained the obsessive texting and phone calls. I knew where he was every minute of the day and night and this particular narc was an obsessive creature of habit. The sabotaging of the weekends we were meant to have together centered around his son (who sadly is beginning to show signs of hyper-emotional states) and I never had any excuses from him that were flakey or suspicious in respect of another female being on the scene. Coupled with this p.v had degenerated into hyper-stress mode (due to the “mother-stress”) and was becoming a worn out, tired, bitter, fractious creature who to my mind wasn’t capable of orchestrating another relationship. When he was with me even up to the end of the relationship we has quite happy for me to be able to see his phone when texts came through and also his email front page. After reading the many posts on here I have analysed time after time whether there might have been someone else but seeing him and being in “his energy” it doesn’t ring true that there was someone else. But who knows with these creatures – maybe I am wrong. As a footnote to this When I “drew the line” he seemed to begin to focus excessively on the child instead. He began to allow the weekends we were meant to have together to be dominated by his need to spend more time with the child (they lived 5mins away and he saw him mid-week as well as every other weekend). He also started to shower the child with gifts all the time even though he was skint and in debt. I am not saying that is wrong but it was excessive and my feeling is that becuase he didn’t have another female/sexual supply in line yet that he transfered the energy feed to the child because I began to restrict my energy supply to him. I dont know – these are only my thoughts and feelings from what I have seen so far. The blackest irony is that I lent him £2000 to be able to get his own place and move closer to the kid and get a job near there. He was meant to pay me back £100 a month but when it came to it only gave me £35 saying he couldn’t afford anymore yet spunked money on outlandish presents for the kid every weekend. madness! Wishing you all love and light. There is a Path beyond all this pain. I accept that for whatever reason my soul chose this as a lesson and I honour what it brings in the name of growth, wisdom and my ability to be a greater help to others x
They are all good at using others for money and whatever they want at the moment. I was a total enabler that way. I convinced myself I was just trying to make him happy and make up for all the hard time other women had given him. Truthfully I believe now I knew he was staying around for the things and I essentially paid him to stay which is way pathetic. How desperate is that? Well his current victim is a widow so a fat insurance settlement will keep him happy for 6-9 months at least.
About your sp and no other gf, maybe you’re right but, I advise you brace yourself just in case he was and decides you should know. Mine was dating women who were Facebook friends with one of my closest friends. When my friend confronted him about it he simply said he would always love me no matter who he was with because I was the love of his life.,.yeah, so much so he married the widow in 90 days. You just can’t account for everything they do because they are not logical and, of course , they are very mentally ill. Sometimes I think mine rubbed a little crazy off on me. Take care and, best wishes.
Thanks for the “heads up” Julie 🙂 For some reason I cant reply directly to your own post so am replying to mine. If he is/was seeing anyone else I’m not likely to find out about it and quite frankly couldn’t give a monkeys. I dont do facebook (although he does) and we have no mutual friends or associates. He has no real friends at all and god help him if he contacted any of mine – they would strip him to pieces (I am blessed with amazing supportive souls in my life and did not allow him to erode this in the last 16 months despite the acidic shitty attempts on his part). We simply dont move in the same circles. The only way I would hear about another woman would be if he text me or emailed me himself and whilst I cant see it happening if he does then I will say how happy I am for him and wish him every happiness – it would infuriate him and he’s not gonna get an ounce of energy from me 🙂 With regards to money I did my research and found out that if you can prove the money was a loan and not a gift then it can be claimed back through the small claims court. I will be doing this if the direct debit doesn’t materialise next month. I dont think your behaviour was desperate – you did exactly what I did. In my case it was because I wanted him to be able to get on with his life and get his feet on the ground (not knowing at the time that he self-sabotages to the extent that he constantly puts himself in hopeless positions). Whatever the end outcome you acted from a place of love and compassion and I would have done the same if it was my brother or my best friend. We as empaths act out of kindness and love not knowing what we are really dealing with. Much Love x
Oh yes stories are similar mine married in 30 days.
Certainly life changing to be involved with these people.
It’s a long hard road with rainbows at the end we will all get there in due time.
LOL 30 days? Wow, it’s hard to believe they could convince someone to marry them in such a short space of time but, they are pushy. Tell me, did your sp’s marriage prove to be the little piece of heaven I’m sure he advertised it as? I’m curious since a friend of mine and I have a bet about how long my sp’s third marriage will last, I say 2 years, she says 3-4.At least I can mock him over it lol. Thank you for your reply and I hope there is rainbows in all of our futures! We deserve them:)
They are pushy. I met him on December 27th for the first time. He virtually didn’t leave, he was living there in January, Feb 14th he manipulated me to say that we were engaged – as it was a leap year, to tell people it was all my idea. Fortunately I didn’t marry him. He had no problems moving on to another, he told me he will move on to another then another then another etc……
They are mentally ill. Yes, fortunately for you, you didn’t marry him. You were smart. The poor women who marry them become property and ultimately suffer worse than any of us. Isn’t it sad? One day he will reap the crop that he has sown. I know he won’t care if a woman dumps him but, they all hate to be alone and lose supply.
Well we are still in the smear campaign on me.
And triangulation is continuely tried as in they even moved down the street in the same town and are my neighbors.happy life plastered all over social media.seems to me it is 9-10 yr cycles as I’ve seen with the past exes. My family says 6 months there will be fireworks being the now spouse is also on a sociopath level.i have my doubts about that but time will tell . I can only take care of me from here on out.
Mine plasters his “happy” life all over Facebook too which is why I recently deleted my account. Question, if a person is so freaking happy with their life, why would they have to advertise it? Wouldn’t they be busy just living it? When I first got back with my sp I was very happy and rarely went on FB. I did send him love memes sometimes and e-cards but very few pics or etc. I was genuinely happy and didn’t have anyone I was trying to make jealous . I don’t think he did either at that time. Now he has studio photos and family this and that’s . I smell a rat but even if he thinks he’s happy, I know the end of this story and, so do you, tragedy and lots of it. Maybe you shouldn’t look at his page. If he knows you aren’t, it will make him angry even if he doesn’t say so or, ever contact you. Best wishes for a good life. I know how you feel and your feelings can go from love to hate in 20 seconds. It’s part of a lengthy recovery. It would be great if you could move 🙂
Elian, with respect, you say you do not want to hurt people which indicates that you experience regret and I would call that a conscience. Narcissists have a conscience but they just ignore it. Perhaps you are more narc than sp. in either case, you can control your behavior and have made a commitment to discipline your impulses. A little therapy might help you. I know Gid can change you as well. The men and women most often discussed in here do not want change, do not believe they need change, believe themselves to be superior and do wish to rob people, break their hearts and worse. They do not deserve pity although I’m sure a good many of these good women have prayed for them.
That’s just it that’s not happy if they got to sell it to the public. Normal people just go on with out a word when they are happy.I don’t ever look at the social media but I heard it from all my family and friends as it makes them mad but they had no emotional attachment to them.my SP did attack my family too and tried to get some fired from jobs over their lies.Evil very Evil when it was their own storm no one did a thing to them.I own the house it was purchased and 6 months into it , I caught the cheating with coworkers.As they walked off and I was left with child ,house ,new car and lawyer bills.They are Scott free and new wife paying the rent.So I can’t move and I’m going to make it , however or whatever it takes we will make it.counseling and lots of love .
I think it bothers me to think my sp went on to be happy and that he’s finally with the woman God made for him. It plays with my mind but it’s as we have both said, happy people don’t have to advertise it. If you are, likely you’re poking someone or, looking for attention/affirmation. Mine was the center of attention in his family for years but his niece just gave birth to a little boy and I know this child is the new golden boy. Sometimes I think he married this woman because his family approved if her and it was his way of ine-upping the new baby. I suppose you have read that these guys are about six years old on an emotional level. I would say thatched about right.
Sorry you can’t move away. Hopefully he will run out of his new main squeezes money and they will be forced to move. That would be great. They are evil, evil evil. Mine tried to get a total stranger fired from his job because he envied him. He stirred up a lot of trouble for the guy.
That made me smile – I remember when I used to spend time with p.v and his 8 yr old son. After one of the usual tantrums I told him that the kid had more emotional maturity than he did at 48! Then over time I realised it was very true 😦 Never a truer word said in jest….
You are so healthy and having a wonderful support system will make all the difference in the world for you. From what I’ve read, sps and narcs cannot cope with someone that they cannot fully control. I read some comment on here, I think, that said no one tries to rob any empty house. He obviously saw your value, had hope he could enslave you and darn well found out he couldn’t. 😉 Your life will be better now. I suppose the good that comes out of one of these relationships is that we discover what we do not want and we learn to recognize a personality disordered person quicker than other people do. That can’t be a bad thing. Take care….
Hello..I wrote my first message in another topic and now i found here and wanted to share my story..
Everything started 14 months ago..He was my soul mate,loving,caring man..I moved to another country for my work and we met..We were talking everyday,texting,he was showing me around and we started dated.he was earning his money by renting his own buildings so he wasnt planning to stay..I was in love so i said stay with me! We spend 3-4 month together in my apartment! Amazing times..so much love..But i had to leave to my country again,i moved..He came,he met my family,friends,i met his parents,friends..He had some economical problems.That made him more depressed every day.He came couple of times to my city i went there many time so everything was time.We were talking about marriage etc. At the end of a year he became more agressive,depressed..and everything was about money.he was saying may be he needs to find another job to support himself instead of renting.I always supported him.He became angry couple of times to me..One day i told him he broke my heart and he said that is a problem because my heart breaks easilly. But in general everything was okey,er are good,solid..i went to visit him and stayed two three weeks and came back.last day we had a fight about his friends,he said i didnt like his friends,we always do what i want which i dont feel that way.i came home and everything was okey again,he was troubled about money stuff..and suddenly he stoped answered his phone calls,texts! In first two days i thought something happened to him.one day he answered we talked he said he got a ten day job and very busy and then again he got lost..in first 15 days i called every two days ot text him and i send 2 emails in total to ask what is going on..no answer! then i saw him on fb sending motivational quotes etc..i decided to accept to fact that we broke up that way and he wasnt the man i thought he was..silent treatment for me was horrible! No closure nothing..I suffered,cried,lost sleep,nightmares..And i was still missing him and loving him-the man that he used to be-
Meanwhile in our relationship he lied couple of times..usually white lies.He said he bought me a present,sent me the picture of it but never gave it to me..etc.He said he didnt see his ex but i saw on his phone they met.(i know it was friendly i read it but in that moment i understood how good liar was he) It took me a while to trust him fully.I kept looking his messages etc.
After that silent mode,after almost 2 months he send me a messages out of blue..he send two id cards of military and he said he is sorry,he is military now.I texted back..he said that is the major reason that he broke up with me.i need to be safe and that is away from ,i have every right to say anything etc said he needs to work 6 more years as military and next 7 months he will be travelling a lot.i said okey.at the end he said he loves me!!!! i said he gave me too much to thing about and hard to process and take care..(i hope i didny give him a satistaction of feeling good about himself..did i?please tell me)
After this conversation i felt okey..İ said okey he loves me and he needed to break up,he is obviously said about so now it is time to move one! But i discovered that the id cards that he showed to me was fake!!!!!!!!!!! I confused more…I didnt confront him,i didnt want to ask but of course i coulndt understand what is going on either.I dont know what to think about now..Does he lying about his job and he only talked to me to give a closure or remain friends or feel better about him..or may be he is telling the truth i dont know. Did he want to stay friends and said a lie so we can connect each other and at the same time i wont be any expectations from him because he works abroad with this job so we remain friends? Or may be he tells the truth and couldnt sent me a real ids so he tried to proved he is real??
The drama is outstanding and I used to have a saying that one word changes it all . Meaning one word changed the whole story.what I know now is they were lies all lies not one word making a story different. Countless affairs and spending all my money were key factors too.i have never in my life seen anyone burn all bridges as these people do.i don’t agree that they are happy there is no way they can be. I believe they keep moving to not have to face, deal with and hear the devistation of their distruction on us . So God has not made a woman for him , god has saved you from him is all.
Thank you, I needed to hear what you have said. I am definetly riding a roller coaster of emotion, somewhere between blaming myself and blaming him. I truly hate feeling this way, I think you’re right God must have saved me from all of this, thanks again.
Hi Julie I totally get where you’re coming from. I am still undecided if he was sp or not. He fits alot of the criteria but was different in others. It feels to me that he was more narcissist than anything with some other mental illness thrown into the mix – cos of the other brain-dead personality that seemed to manifest during the tantrums. Or perhaps I am still in denial? I am starting to see a counsellor Monday so I think this will help to iron some things out to speak to an objective professional. This said and no matter what they are, abusive behaviour is totally unacceptable. I still wallow a lot trying to over-analyse whether I had any fault in it – its a natural part of trying to establish some inner peace from all the turmoil. When it first ended I wrote down all the crap and how I perceived it. 8 pages later I had much of it in black and white so I could re-read it when I started to question myself. It really helped 🙂 x
Evening. I have decided now that I will see a counsellor as part of my recovery. Its been 4 weeks without him now and though I am not as raw as I was 4 weeks back my head and heart are still desperate for some clarity. The oddest thing is that I was only with p.v for 16 months and I have had longer, better relationships in the past with truly loving people but this one has some how caused what seems to be a disproportionate amount of emotional damage. I dont know if its the confusion of what he really was ie whether the whole thing was a sham or if its the lack of closure etc. Whatever it is I need to reclaim my power and heal the best way I can. Blessings to all of you x
I still struggle time to time with blaming myself we were conditioned to do that.life will never be the same as we knew it. But you can make your own story now and you’ll make it better.
You are welcome anytime you need to talk I was a mess to for a long time . Sometimes I still am but I fordge forward and determined to have the good life I deserve. Lean on closet to you, a lot of people can’t even begin to understand what you are going thru.
I am 22 and have been with this sociopath since i was 19. I wanted to become an escort and i stumbled across him on the personals ads. Please do not judge me. I realize i may have had a whole other set of problems for wanting to become an escort. He showed me how to do this and began abusing me emotionally and mentally and then fixing it with his “great love.” I left him several times during our 3 yr bout. Always coming back thinking i was choosing love. This is not the truth, i see now. He continuously cyber stalks for other working girls that he can recruit. He took up poker. Hes great at and wins thousands a month becuase hes on probation and doesnt want to go back to prison. I was duped into staying an extra year and 6 months with him becuase he financially supported me for 8 months. This made me think that he really loves me because he doesnt want me to work and see other men. I supported him for the rest of the 3 yrs by seeing men that he arranged for me. I came into the relationship thinking that people can still manage healthy relationships if one person is in escorting or porn because i seeked out success stories. He always brought in some of his own income maybe at some points it was 50 50 but he always sought control over all of the money and of me. If i ever asks what he does with our money he gets very angry. This is very sad for me because we had a lot of great times, he was spontaneous and charismatic. He initiated fun activities and traveling adventures that i genuinly enjoyed. The whole relationship was like a one night stand, if you compare it to sex. I enjoyed this menage but didnt think of the consequenses that i was forming a chemical bond with this person who is only using me. It lasted 3 years. This realization just came upon me that he has no plan of action. With all of the money him and i have brought in, he had ample time to start a business or a learn a trade. All he actually cared for is being comfortable and snugg with money, shelter, abundance and power. As were moving out of house and it was our last few days there before downgrading to cheaper apartment rent(my idea). I saw past present and future of who he is. I stared at him, just stuck as all of this hit me quickly in fluid thoughts.versus Before when it was scattered and debated in my mind. Ive got so much healing to do. I had issues before this now i have even more issues. God help me. I want to break up with him. He has no money to his name at this moment and no car im deciding if i can or if i should hustle up a few hundred and give it to him so hes not flat on his ass. If he knows ive deiced to do this last help he will think i am compassionate and weak and that he still has a chance to further control me. And that is true i am weakened now so i need a clean, decisive and strategic break so he cant wiggle back in. If i stay with him for the summer, we will take a work trip and i can make 10,000 and split it with him. See, when he supported me for those 8 mo. He ran up credit cards for us to eat. Hes 5,000 in debt. Should i stay for the summer? I really dont want to show him more love but i feel bad for his debt. He has dreams of being a famous poker player. I know he will someday becuase hes plays 40+ hours a week and wins constantly but i dont care because he is selfish and abusive no matter what. I dont want to play along like i love and want to be with him. I dont want to leave him flat broke hes driving around in a rental car now and is using a credit card to pay it. Even though he is a sociopath and has no empathy i still see him as a human being and not as a demon spawn or whatever and i want him to have enough to move on and not look back. Im scared i am not strong enough to stand up to his commands and apologies. If i hand the money i make to him i am not getting any of it back and he wont want to split it i dont think. What should i do? Please help. And please do not judge. Its in my best interest to quit escorting so that i may heal. I am not too much worried about money, just bills and they arent due for another month so i can find a job or work for fathers company and use fathers car for now. I have $60 cash savings(sad for an escort, right?). I have 1000 coming in this week from a deposit. I must get a job to distract me from my fast cash addiction. Not to mention my lifelong alcoholic mother just got into to treatment, my 17yr old sister is pregnant and wants to live with me. I told her of my desire to leave this guy. She lives with my diabetic father who stores too much merchandise in the home to live comfortably and normally. Father also needs much help in his business i wish i could help for free becuase hes also building up a convenient store. He can afford to pay me but in paying me for doing wholesales deliveries, his progress for the store will be delayed. This is a lot to handle but i believ i can do it. I am just confused
I blame myself too..I am thinking if i acted different we would be together,may be that time he wouldnt break up with me..or if i can move to his city everything can be easy for relationship etc etc..But at the end he ended the relationship with a silent treatment,after 2 months he gave me a fake explanation which he thinks i believed,and he said goodbye..so i need to move on..i just miss the old version of him..difficult!
Nykie
I was with exsp for 4.5 yrs. Daily coffees for 4.5 yrs. Never missed a day. Talk of marriage, daily I love you…. Trips, the works
He lied throughout. Including his name and online cheating etc.
Then he ended it out of the blue. Now 6 mths later I’ve been blocked. So I’m in nc. This is probably a good thing and most days I’m ok. Today I felt weak and angry and sad. Hopefully these days are finally getting fewer and further between
Trust me, those angry days do become less and less. Just keep with the no contact. It does take a while but it is worth it in the end. Just try and look at the positives in your lives. Write your feelings down in a journal. Write out a list of 5 things you want to do this year that has nothing to do with your sociopath or lovelife and put it on a wall and go and achieve it. Almost 1.5 years of no contact for me and I now go days without thinking of him. I am beginning to think of him less and less finally. It takes a lot of time and effort on your part to move on but is is essential if you want to live a fulfilling life again and away from the poison that was in it. Eventually you will be able to go out into the world to find someone that will treat you like a Queen and know what love is.
It is the same for all of us. We were in love, they were not. It’s hard to believe someone could treat another human being so badly but they can. I would like to move on but I see I will have to forgive this toad before it can happen. It won’t be easy. We are not to blame. I don’t think there is much hope for any of them but, much hope for us. Thank you for your not, take care.
Joelene,aliciap82,Julie…I think recovery starts from acceptance..I am new in this journey and i know it will be long one..I am trying to do NC,it is been 2 days only that i havent checked his fb.Long way to go but i needed to start at some point.
I need to accept his own fake military reason as it is true and move on..Otherwise i will continue to search the answer which i will never have and hurt myself..I say myself “he said he said goodbye but i love you” so be it..It is over,deal with it!Otherwise i do overthinking and hurt myself not anyone else..
I am glad we are here together to support eachother
Hi. I’m with a sociopath man now. I want to break up with him asap. It’s been 3 years. I’m very sad and very scared to do this but it must be done. Last week I had a serious uninterrupted thought out of the blue. It is that all this man cares about is having with money, a home and power. Mostly over me. In 3yrs I tried to leave him 3 times. He always convinced me to come back. It sounds stupid but I think I’m in danger of letting him talk me into staying this time. That’s why I want to do it right away so I can move on with my life. I’m afraid of his temper that if I tell him at home he might really hurt me. He hasn’t seriously injured me before just hair pulled, pushing name calling. Just for those things I can’t believe I put up with. I’m glad it’s my choice. I don’t have much of a plan. I have one month’s living expenses. I’ve never had a job. I will try to get one. I can also work for father. I get a little frozen when I think of how and when I can end it. I feel bad because the S is 5,000 in credit card debt and it’s partially my fault. He’s driving around in a rental car. I have 600 for him before I leave him for good. I don’t want him to think that I purposely made sure he had 600 before I kick him out. But I did. It’s easy because he controls the money always has. Otherwise if I didn’t make sure he had 600 he would be flat on his ass broke. I don’t believe he is some demon spawn he just lacks empathy. He financially took care of me for 8mo. Out of 3 yrs. I’m scared and I need some encouragement to do this. God help me and god help everyone in this sticky situation.
It’s for sure that relationship with someone who is this mentally, ill, regardless of the diagnosis, will leave it’s mark on the rational partner. It’s as they say in most of these sites they don’t function as normal people and we as victims continually try to analyze their activities as if they do act normally. I’m tired of being on this roller coaster to hell. Mine took over twenty years of my life (on and off) and I’m worn out. I hate how he broke my heart and shoved a new relationship in my face. It would be great if he finds his repulsive self all alone one day. I think it’s the only thing that would really trouble him and it’s what he sentenced me to. On a high note, the last time I saw a picture of him he’d gained about 100 lbs. I guess that’s what true love does for you, lol. Take care and I hope counciling will help you:)
Hi Julie. One thing I have always believed (and I use it in my spiritual work) is the energy that we send out comes back to us. P.v’s life consisted of no friends (his own doing), constant trouble in jobs, ongoing conflict with the mother of his child, money problems, tiredness and low-level ill health and a very uneasy, nervy, almost unstable energy about him all the time. He was rarely happy and as someone put it to me displayed an “inability to function normally in the everyday world”. Whether he is a narc/BPD/SP or whatever he is still sending negativity and resentment “out there” most of his days and this I believe, is rebounding back to him – its everywhere he walks because he manufactures it and perpetuates it. He is too caught up in his own victim mentality to see it. My feeling is this too will (or is) happening to your ex and he will be reaping it in one way or another. Lets face it if theres crap going on in his life he’s hardly going to let you see it. What you send out comes back to you. This helps me to stand back a bit and see a bigger picture 🙂 Thank you for your best wishes with the counselling. Much love to you x
I have no trouble believing your sp was less mature than his own son and, likely very proud of it as well. I. Am still amazed that any one of us on here would ever want anything to do with such sulky, spoiled, willful children but, it seems they have one or two things going for them, Funny, I can’t remember one good thing at the moment…just a broke, semi-dim witted, childish manipulative jerk, wow, that’s attractive…not. Thank you for your posts. I know you will be okay and happy one day soon.
My 48 year old ex used to buy toys for his 8 yr old and sometimes keep them for himself. I dont know if thats normal for blokes but I’ve not seen it in any previous relationships. I think much of the time we dont see the flip side til we’re lured in – its the “mask” perhaps?
I know how I felt when I first learned we were broken up. It was devastating. It seems to me that you have a really good handle on what has happened to you and that you are really looking forward to a new life without this malignant man in your life. It take courage and determination to break free and it’s hard as heck to do it but, you are doing it a day at a time. I know that is what they say in AA meetings but, it applies here since our connection to the sp is like an addiction and, it takes time to move on. I know you’ll do it and all the victims on here understand and will be glad to help. Take care!
M
Thank you 🙂 I still feel the addiction most of the time though. Still stewing over “what if’s” and still not what sure he is/was. I am forcing myself to try and take the focus away from him and focusing on myself instead which is hard but I’ll get there 🙂 x
Maybe so. My ex used to buy his boys gifts for Chrstmas that he wanted them to have. For example, he only bought them sports video games when it was pretty clear the boys wanted to play other games. he also bought each one identical gifts even though there was a couple years between each in age. I guess it’s just the sp desire to control and dominate perhaps mixed with a desire to play with the toys himself? They are children internally so, it seems to fit. Can you imagine how a child feels when he realizes his father is less mature than he is? It must be scary and I suppose it forces the child to step up and act older than he is…
I think you are right Julie although it would also depend on the childs personality type as to how he adapts or copes. At present this kid views his father as nothing other than god but as the teenage hormones kick in there maybe problems. He’s started to show signs of ultra-sensitive emotional states – hysterics, abandonment issues n stuff. I am wondering if this kid will end up the same. p.v.s mother had some kind of mental illness, p.v has got it and now the kid? Time will tell.
Poor child and the sp will no doubt manipulate him to no end. I am sorry for him. It must be an so total delight to know a child is completely dependent upon him and then therefore easy to lead along. I hope the child doesn’t develop similar mental illness and, can escape his father and have a good life. These sps are so dangerous.
Everything you say makes perfect sense. Did you notice after a time with your sp that your energy levels began to decrease, did you feel sort of desperate and stressed and angry for no good reason? I felt all of these symptoms and, I started to believe the drain was coming from him. I don’t know if I’m right but it felt like even from a distance he was sucking me dry of happiness, peace, joy etc. Mine did not physically or verbally abuse me because I warned him not to so, what I’m describing seemed to be coming from his constant presence whether physical presence or, his texting, emailing etc. He was so clingy…I think that was stressful. How about you?
Yes and its odd as I was thinking of this self same thing in bed last night. After 3 months in the relationship I remember telling a friend that it was becoming exhausting – it was the tantrums, controlling behaviour, paranoid jealousy, constant texting – and clingyness!. I knew in my heart that a healthy relationship shouldn’t make you feel this way but I stayed. I constantly made excuses for him because he constantly reminded me of the stress he carried with his mother. I did feel for him as it must be saddening to have your mum in a care home with Alzheimers but at the end of the day you dont take it out on others – especially those that love & support you. Anyway I’m digressing. There is a reason why they can make you feel drained and unhappy without being there because there will be cords or channels of energy formed between you. In any relationship we have this whether its negative or positive. Any emotional reaction we have within the relationship reinforces the channels – whether we are expressing devoted love (and they appear to be reciprocating) or we are angry as hell and hurting – all this energy keeps the channels open. The energy cords can continue to exist way after a relationship ends too. Do you mind me asking how long ago it ended with him?
I don’t mind at all. I’m not sure when it ended formally. I only know he stopped talking to me so much about April and then I was diagnosed with cancer and he never contacted me again after May. After treatment in September I tried contacting him but he announced he had a new woman who was having back surgery (minor) on Facebook and then married her December 6th. Ther was no real break up and he only talked to me when I insisted through a text message. I believe he left things open-ended. Since he has not tried to contact me although I have had very vivid dreams about him. I don’t know whether that is me or., him. It seems like every time we’ve been parted I could feel him trying to call out to me somehow. It sounds creepy and paranoid but, I have felt that way. It’s not so much now so, I assume it’s because he’s busy looting his new supply.
Its natural to have dreams about them – especially vivid ones. I think part of it is our subconscious throwing things up to be processed. A lot of the time its easier for our minds to do the subconscious work while we sleep. This can also be harrowing but it just shows that our whole being is still trying to heal and process. Julie I cant imagine having to go through cancer and the painful ending of the relationship – that’s just horrendous. So even though he knew you had the illness he didn’t even check on how you were after May? Also do you still feel an energy tie to him? Big hug x
No, he never checked on me and, we knew each other for over 20 years. Yes, he nearly killed me emotionally and physically. I have to believe it’s what he meant to do. I’m determined to leave him behind. What I think I feel sometimes is him reaching out to me on a spiritual level trying to keep me on the hook without having a direct contact. I believe he told the new woman he would never contact me as a way of proving to her how loyal he is to her. I have said he sold me into slavery to have the purchase money to buy her. It hurts me to say it but it’s a good way to put it. Thanks so much for your comments. It means so much to know someone understands. Thanks again.
Hi Julie. Thats unforgiveable that he showed no concern for your welfare at all. These types of people are almost soul-less. If you “feel” he is still linked to you on an energetic level then he probably is. Our “feelings” are one of our higher sources of perception. By feelings I dont mean our lower instinctual drives but our intuitive power. Our intuitions have a direct link to our higher spiritual selves which in turn views everything from a different persepective and carries our souls wisdom. I could go into a lot of depth with this re “Soul contracts” in relationships and past life influences but will save it for now. Regarding the malignant energy link you have with him this can be dealt with. Your words “sold me into slavery” are quite telling from my perspective. This could be an energetic hook/attachment that is very real. Lots of people carry them constantly without even knowing. Some attachments are harm-less, others can be draining, controlling and perpetuate things like addictive behaviour and other problems eg an inability to heal and move forwards. I am not saying that you necessarily have any but your words resonate with me from people I have worked with in the past (I am a healer outside of my boring office job). My suggestion to you would be to maybe seek out a shamanic healer in your area. A shamanic healer will be able to identify energy hooks, attachments and any possible soul fragmentation that is causing a problem for someone and clear it. They should also be able to show you keys to your own personal power (in the spiritual sense) and help you to bond with it and begin to draw from it. Empowerment from within helps us to weather these storms and put solid building blocks into place for a happy future 🙂 Big hug x
He created the dependency and the pity you are feeling for him. Be very careful, he’s proven himself to be violent and he could have a violent outburst. It would be great if you had a place to hide out, many miles away from your current home. Don’t worry about the whole thing inconveniencing him or, that he’s in debt in part because he was manipulating you to stay. Sps are very irresponsible and my guess is he won’t pay the bill anyway. He’s has no feelings so, hit the road with no guilt and don’t look back. Take care, keep us posted.
Re the child with a narc father, at present p.v has what seems to be quite a healthy bond with the kid. Whenever I saw them together they were best of friends and theres nothing p.v wouldn’t do for him. I read though about younger kids not being affected so much in the beginning because they dont fully view themselves as a seperate entity from the parent yet. I am wondering how p.v will start to deal with it when the kid starts to build his own life and “pull away” in the sense of spending less time with him, having his own social life, challenging him on stuff as his own character develops. Maybe this will bring p.v’s narc side out more and there may start to be issues. Thank hell I wont be around to have to deal with THOSE tantrums when they start to manifest!
Thank you for your insight. I would agree, because of the length and strength of this bond, that this relationship got on a very negative spiritual level. I will give your words some consideration. Thank you for your compassion.
No worries 🙂 I just find it helps to try and take these issues to a higher level sometimes and consider it from a bigger perspective. It gives you a break from the rawer, mundane situation x
I recently read that one of the differences between a narcissist and a sociopath is that narcissists hang on to their children, dominating them as long as possible but a sociopath will ultimately abandon their children. I believe you are right, small children perceive their parents as being perfect. As we both know, as they enter puberty, children question their parents. I can’t believe a sociopath would ever take kindly to criticism so, it would be a perfect time for a sociopath to exit the stage. I also understand that sociopaths and narcs cannot stand to think their children are in anyway superior to them. These poor kids will at some point pay the price I think.
Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly…which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place.
Maybe we will have to admit that we are in the wrong job. Or the wrong relationship. With the wrong people around us. Living in the wrong neighborhood. Acting out on the wrong behaviors. Using the wrong substances. Pretending to believe things that we no longer believe. Pretending to be something we were never meant to be.
This moment of realization is seldom fun. In fact, it’s usually terrifying.
I call this moment of realization: NOT THIS.
Because sometimes that’s all you know, at such a moment.
All you know is: NOT THIS.
Sometimes that’s all you CAN know.
All you know is that some deep life force within you is saying, NOT THIS, and it won’t be silenced.
Your body is saying: “NOT THIS.”
Your heart is saying: “NOT THIS.”
Your soul is saying: “NOT THIS.”
But your brain can’t bring itself to say “NOT THIS”, because that would cause a serious problem. The problem is: You don’t have a Plan B in place. This is the only life you have. This is the only job you have. This is the only spouse you have. This is the only house you have. Your brain says, “It may not be great, but we have to put up with it, because there are no other options.” You’re not sure how you got here — to this place of THIS — but you sure as hell don’t know how to get out…
So your brain says: “WE NEED TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE.”
But still, beating like a quiet drum, your body and your heart and your soul keep saying: NOT THIS…NOT THIS…NOT THIS.
I think some of the bravest people I have ever met were people who had the courage to say the words, “NOT THIS” outloud — even before they had an alternative plan.
People who walked out of bad situations without knowing if there was a better situation on the horizon.
People who looked at the life they were in, and they said, “I don’t know what my life is supposed to be…but it’s NOT THIS.” And then they just…left.
I think my friend who walked out of a marriage after less than a year, and had to move back in with her mother (back into her childhood bedroom), and face the condemnation of the entire community while she slowly created a new life for herself. Everyone said, “If he’s not good enough for you, who will be?” She didn’t know. She didn’t know anything about what her life would look like now. But it started with her saying: NOT THIS.
I think of my friend who took her three young children away from a toxic marriage, despite that fact that her husband supported her and the kids financially…and the four of them (this woman and her three children) all slept in one bed together in a tiny studio apartment for a few years, while she struggled to build a new life. She was poor, she was scared, she was alone. But she had to listen to the voices within her that said, NOT THIS.
I think of friends who walked out of jobs — with no job waiting for them. Because they said NOT THIS.
I think of friends who quit school, rather than keep pretending that they cared about this field of study anymore. And yes, they lost the scholarship. And yes, they ended up working at a fast food restaurant, while everyone else was getting degrees. And yes, it took them a while to figure out where to go next. But there was a relief at last in just surrendering to the holy, non-negotiable truth of NOT THIS.
I think of friends who bravely walked into AA meetings and just fell apart in front of a room full of total strangers, and said, NOT THIS.
I think of a friend who pulled her children out of Sunday School in the middle of church one Sunday because she’d had it with the judgment and self-righteousness of this particular church. Yes, it was her community. Yes, it was her tribe. But she physically couldn’t be in that building anymore without feeling that she would explode. She didn’t know where she was going, spiritually or within her community, but she said, NOT THIS. And walked out.
Rationally, it’s crazy to abandon a perfectly good life (or at least a familiar life) in order to jump into a mystery. No sane person would advise you to make such a leap, with no Plan B in place. We are supposed to be careful. We are supposed to be prudent.
And yet….
And yet.
If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don’t know what to do, instead…you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.
You don’t need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong.
The bravest thing to say can be these two words.
What comes next?
I don’t know. You don’t know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is…? It’s NOT THIS.
There are many senarios – not all can be SP related but we only find that out after the fact. This site has been incredibly eye-opening & reassured me that the NOT THIS was an SP. The cut off all contact was the hardest but BEST thing victims of the SP can do. Wish you all strength & excellent healing. You WILL find you again and be astounded how you are SO MUCH MORE than the SP made you feel!❤
I was dating this man for 10 years . He died recently at a very young age. This man was a sociopathic liar and cheat. He was incapable of telling the truth .
He duped me completely however he also duped his wife and children too.
He told so many lies it’s hard to know where to start . I could write a book with the material I have .
He was given a honourable funeral by his work colleagues who called him a hero. His wife stated he was a loving husband and father. He disrespected not only me but them too.
He was none of those . The hypocritical thing is his work colleagues knew what he was up to and despicably deceived his wife and family at the funeral.
I’m so angry about everything . He took constantly and gave nothing back
I wished to i had never met him .
He isn’t here now to answer for the mess he created and left behind . I’m trying desperately to put closure on this whole sordid thing but am struggling
I hope he is resting in peace but somehow I think he isn’t
Amazing how they come across so different than the reality of who they are. I am sorry that you are angry, and feel that you have been cheated. You say that he isn’t here to answer for the mess, I think that he will in spirit have to witness the pain and carnage that he caused on earth, facing himself, will likely be the biggest karma of all.
Dating a Sociopath 
@Gilly Beans, I’m sorry for all that you’ve gone through and glad you have a loving supportive family and good friends to see you through. Sociopaths never stop doing what they’ve done to us. They move on from victim to victim, never running out of an endless supply of people to feed off. As my ex SP said, when I tried to warn others, “There will always be more women. You can call everyone in my phone and it won’t matter, I can get more.” I realized I couldn’t save anyone but myself and that’s what I did. Save yourself.
I have been dealing with a narcissist and suspected sociopath for three years.
4 months ago, after a successful hoover, I gave birth to out second child together, a daughter. We have a son who is two.
I’ll call the ex “G” here…
Long story, short, he’s a diagnosed sex addict and narcissist. He comes across as some innocent, damaged victim. He’s charming, knows how to garner sympathy, and is a pathological liar.
My nightmare ended almost two years ago, after 1 1/2 together.
So I thought.
He’s no stranger to smear campaigns and constant attempts to manipulate me. The most sickening part is that he uses two innocent babies in the process. He’s a father when it’s convenient to him but will hide the existence of his kids when needbe, too. He has an ex wife and a daughter who is 12, and he even offered to give her up for me, thinking I’d be flattered. No… it’s sickening.
The Court system where I live in the states has only let me down so far. A judge’s bad calls and understimation of G had me take matters into my own hands over a year ago. I subjected myself to G for the sake of getting an agreement for visits done for our son. Before I knew it, I was sucked back in. Before I knew it, one blurry and stupid night, drunken than snot, I would end up pregnant by him again. To this day, I suspect it was intentional because I would need him and beg him to be with me again. His little plan failed miserably.
I discarded him. Again. Twice now in two years. If anything will piss a sociopath or narc off, that’ll do it, especially when it’s followed by silence. Emails have only been written lately in regards to children. No details. No emotion. NONE. I have learned they feed off of negative attention, so even cussing him out in email was getting a rise. So no more. He’s not worth it.
Learning who and what he is has spared what sanity I have left. I thought it was me with the problem. Not anymore. I found some books on Amazon by a guy named H.G. Tudor, a narc himself, who shares exactly how they think, plot, and destroy. That info had been invaluable.
Our story is not over yet as we prepare for court yet again. G uses these kids to try to maintain some kind of control and power over me. Heck, he even emailed me months ago basically asking me to wait for him while he finishes therapy. HA! No. He’s merely showing up anyway and isn’t actually helping himself. It’s all for show, and I know this. I also know how the game is played now and can read between the lines of what he does write me. He’s always juggled women/targets, he’s stalked, harassed, played the blame game, manipulated, lied, smeared my name, and the turns around and cries foul. I buy it no longer. He gets nothing from me, nor will he ever.
So far, I have to credit my sanity to education and a good support system. Without them both, I don’t know where I would be. Here’s to hoping I can get justice for my babies and me and move forward with that relief at least (he’d threatened harm upon two children to upset me at one point, though, I now suspect he would eventually a use harm just to hurt me more).
While there’s no end in site, I hope to at least rest easy knowing I’ve protected my children. If he insists on stalking me further, he can have at it. No better karma that watching me move on from afar WITHOUT him. 🙂
Hi Kristine, thank you – yes noone else can do it for you. It feels awful though that I can’t warn her next victim but I do know that for now it would cause chaos & none of their group would believe it anyway. Hopefully her next “prey” will somehow get away but I guess these Sociopaths will just move on to another & another. I wouldn’the have had a cooking clue she was a Sociopath. Only, interestingly & Godsent, I saw a fb image which had the word Lying, deceitful and cunning in it with the word Sociopath in the same sentence and there started my first Google & research. Well you could have knocked me over with a feather!!!! Her being a Sociopath was the one thing I could never quite put a finger on when so many things didn’t make sense.
I had this happen to me. I don’t know whether he meets the DSM criteria but he certainly messed me around horribly – came back to me after I said I fancied him and wanted to end the friendship because that hurt – started a relationship with me – was hot, then cold, then a week later, ended the relationship via Facebook (and we had known each other for years – and he lives three miles away). I think what I want, and maybe others, is this: To be told it was wrong. I kept asking my counsellor if it was wrong for someone to end a relationship via Facebook, over and over, because part of me believes I have no right to be upset, none at all.
So: What he did to me was wrong.
I deserve better than that, simply by virtue of being human.
Second, I think we need to be helped to stay away – in all ways. No visits, texts, phone calls – none of that. And we need to be told that this is for us, not him. After how he behaved I felt guilty about the rage in the texts I sent him. I worried I’d hurt him, I worried I was breaking the law. I suspected he’d tell the police. I sent 12 texts over 4 days – actually not much. And if you do what he did, you get that. Actually he couldn’t tell the police because I know about a crime he committed. Ugh, all this.
So I think we need to be told that we must stay away, not for his sake, not because “that’s nasty and we must be good girls!” but because it hurts us. It hurts us horribly and it prolongs the pain.
So: If you contact him, it will hurt you, and won’t care. In fact it’ll make him feel good.
Third: It wasn’t real. All the nice stuff was an act, all the nasty stuff was just a crack of the whip to keep you in line. Nothing was real.
Fourth: We have to work out why we found him so damn attractive and try to never do this again. This is a matter of life or death.
Fifth: And I do not believe this, as this happened to me 2 weeks ago – it will get better. We will get over them. One day we will be reminded of them and roll our eyes and think, Thank God he vanished! The next woman is going through the same hell we went through, and the next, and all of them.
You all seem to talk of psychopathy as if we are all devils. We all appear nice but some of us are not sadistic, and all of us feel emotion just in a self-centered way. We are not all evil but most of us are bored of trivial society. We are the illegitimate child of this world’s society and we exploit that. We are willing to do anything to get to the top. You shouldn’t moap around in disgust at us you should envy us. We are superior to your petty comments and moans about being screwed over. Its life deal with it.
@chucky bore us, I’m sure your superior intellect is more useful elsewhere. We don’t need your back handed encouragement to “get over it” while telling us how not all sociopaths are bad people, just misunderstood. I think we understand you just fine.
Indeed Kristine 🙂
Chuckie is a perfect example of the inability to empathize or accept responsibility for the pain they inflict. My life is not a pity party, and while I deal daily with the aftermath of what I experienced at the hands of my SP, I know that his control over me is a thing of the past…
🙂
How bad does the smearing get ladies? I found a video on the Internet of me kissing a man in a pub one night – I was
Drunk and told my sp about it as soon as I got home (and I did return home immediately after leaving the venue). It was ages ago though and it means he must have had me followed! I have read that one must not react or defend oneself in response to the smearing but surely there comes a point where one must ‘take a stand’ of some sort? I’ve also read that it gets worse once the divorce is through, and I have that yet to come.
(The irony is, I found out that he had been cheating on me all through our marriage).
I found that it got worse once they want nothing more from you. Once it is over. If you have anything on them, use it. For example I did eventually tell my ex that should he continue to smear me and my name, that I would send the details of this website to his ex (mother of his daughter) I think he has left my city – we don’t talk so I don’t know he said he did. I hope so. He really went to town smearing me and my name. It did get worse once we had ended. They do this, like ‘killing’ their prey. If they can’t have you nobody else can, and its not even that they want you, they just don’t want anyone else to.
Sick huh? ….. yes. They love to ‘get their own back’ with a smirk and a grin and the mindset of a child that has been scorned. BUT – once they have smeared and ruined you – they can’t do it again. Keep going, one day it will be in the past and you can start to rebuild.
Keep your circle small. Confide in those people who you trust 100%. just ride the storm!
Lol – maybe Chucky should hook up with a SocioP?
Can we not bar this idiot!? This site is not for trolls it’s for people supporting each other! He needs a restraining order and I defo think there should be checks on people like him being able to access our support network. He could well be one of the socios that harm us!!!!
Hello All…my first post. I am a 60 year old man who was recently dumped out of the blue after a 12 month relationship with what I now believe was a woman with either many sociopath tendencies or the full blown personality disorder. She was 19 years my junior, no children.
I have learned about the addiction with the sociopath personality type…I wrestle with that everyday with NC. I admit that I have contacted, and probably forced a bit of closure because of that. But I know understand there is no closure and its all lies etc from their side
My question is why do I have this need to confront, and to show them what they are? I want to send an email or letter listing all of the sociopath traits that are there for everyone to see.
I always questions some of the erratic behavior and stories etc. I do believe she was after some money and when I was always abit wary etc she moved onto someone she had a better chance with
The part of me …a parent who would like to fix things and think that it is the right thing to do…maybe they just dont know ? I know I’m tricking myself .
Is it ever helpful for the victim ..me to do that and just lay it all out. I understand the sociopath doesn’t care but now its about whats good for me
any insights would be most helpful and appreciated
John
Hi welcome to the site John 🙂
Hi john,
I’m new to the site also. I don’t think we ever get answers. Partly because they want to leave their options open just in case u take them back later. Also they feel it’s our fault and think we crazy for the drama.
I have asked my ex many times why…. Why….
All I get is I don’t know. Never answers. I also get why u repeat urself I told u many times every time and u always have to ask. I said cus u say u don’t know why u hurt me! ( scream)
Ur thinking is right on track. Now it’s about u. But revenge n putting things out there for her r her friends to see will only stop u from remembering it’s about u now. We know the truth. We felt the pain. So just come here n vent n share and ask questions and this will help u.
I always have a need to confront. And I tried a lot to confront. Lol a lot a lot a lot! In a claim way and not so claim way. I sent long text and emails. U name it I confronted. And got nothing.
I realize now I spent so much energy confronting I wasn’t taking care of me. I was focused on the hurt n wasn’t seeing the joy of the moment and the people near me who wanted me around them. My kids. My friends and family.
I am still sad and I’m still hurt. I get triggers often But time helps u not want to confront or ask why.
Hi John
Kindred spirit here I think. My exsp ended it 6 mths ago and I’m still reeling. It was 4 years of daily meetups, daily I love you, my best friend, my fiance….. Turned out he lied about nearly everting. Name, married, business, divorce, settlement, buying new assets…. Even who cut his hair!!!
I think he loved me… At one point… But he stopped.
When? Why? Whst did I do?… God my mind twists and turns by the minute.
The worst was finding out he was online dating for 2 years and actively dated his new gf in the last 3 mths we were together.
In his parting speech, he said he needed space, so stressed, he loved me and I should never give up.
Upon finding out that he had a new gf, already introduced her to his famiky (in 4 yrs I never met them) and then seeing he was still on dating sites – well I wanted to explode. I wanted to out him!!! Humiliate him!
I broke nc many times. All trying to remind him that we could be friebds (God how pathetic!)
He blocked me and I have been nc for 8 days (longer technically as he hasn’t responded to.my texts since late March)
I’m still weak and cry a lot. It’s an obsession issue
But this is abiut us now. Let them go. Good luck to them. They will have terrible lives. We will grow,Learn, be stronger, live great lives!!
We are here for you xx
Joelene, your story sounds like mine. Guess we all have similar stories.
They can become so nasty when they no longer need you or you find out one of their secrets.
Thanks Alicia
Yeah i often berate myself for letting him know that I knew his real name, found him online one time (didn’t tell him the other times) or that I eventually knew he had a new gf after we split up. But it’s impossible to swallow all that she@t without saying something surely!!
But yes, once I was no longer his source of dumbness! And once he got his needs met elsewhere…. I was superfluous.
The new gf meets all his current needs (lives in diff town so lots of space for him, she has young kids so an instant family as a lure for his only child to spend more time with him, and she is happy to go to all family activities even with his ex there which makes the ex very uncomfortable (big win fir him)
So she now meets his current needs. I didn’t. I was turfed
My real issue is about me – why do I care?
I am in recovery now after my relationship with a sociopath. Just returned home from the hospital 8 days. He has broken my heart and spirit and I have not yet recovered my things, (saturday with ct order and police escort) I have nearly lost my job, the respect of most of my family and know it will be many months until I am whole again.
I am new to this site. I am still in shock after learning 4 days ago that the lovely caring and kind man I have been dating for well over a year is a liar and a cheat. From what I have read on this site and elsewhere online he must be some sort of sp, I’ve read about love bombing and triangulation and he did both of those in the first few months we were together. After that I was addicted to him. we made so many plans for the future, he made me feel good about myself for the first time in my life but now I have found out the extent of his deceit the pain is unbearable at the moment. No contact is going to difficult as I work with him, I have started looking for another job but that’s going to take time. I can’t stop crying and feel utter despair about the future. I am ashamed to say it wouldn’t take much for me to go back to him as I love him still but I know the way he appears is not the real man. Anything anyone can say to get me through these early days I will be grateful for.
Hi. Extremely glad to have found this site as I recognise now that sharing this is helpful for my healing and it is my hope that this story will be of help to others too….
It is nearly 4 weeks since I parted company with “p.v” (psycho vampire). I only use this abbreviation at present as it hurts to type his name. I met him approx 16 months ago (shortly after coming out of a disastrous relationship so I was vulnerable) and we hit it off straight away. I felt an immediate connection on many levels. We had so much in common and he felt it too. Everything that I liked, he liked – music, food etc. We seemed to compliment each other perfectly. He said I was the female version of him – like twin souls. The previous relationship before p.v was not sociopathic/narcissistic but it had left me in a state of “need” on an emotional and physical level. P.v didn’t know this but somehow must have picked up on it. Before we met in the flesh he was texting me several times a day. After we met and things had “taken off” he began to text me at least every half hour – day in & day out. If I didn’t text back within his given time frame he became anxious – “where are you?”, “are you ok?”.
At first the intensity seemed ultra-romantic and was very intoxicating especially after the previous emotionally lacking relationship. I really thought this kind of deep (apparent) connection was what I had been waiting for all my life. Despite this, the “nagging little voice” was there from the beginning. On our first date I found out he had no real friends. Said to me that “friends always let you down” so he didn’t bother with them. Only one week after we met the tantrums started. The first tantrum was over me going to a gig with a male friend which had been planned for months before. I asked him to join us several times but he kept giving an excuse. Despite this gesture he proceeded to have a text tantrum on the night of the gig because he assumed that we were really “more than friends”. I ended up having to call him at 1AM in the morning when I got home to placate him. He was very apologetic at this stage over the tantrums blaming it on “his stress” (his stress being that his mother is in a care home with Alzheimers).
I guess as the relationship was so young and we were “soul mates and deeply in love” I glossed over so many warning signs. What I thought was a one off tantrum became a regular occurence. Every 4 -6 weeks like clockwork there would be one. If a male friend text me there was a tantrum (for the rest of the relationship I had my phone on silent whilst p.v was with me through fear of a male friend texting me). If I wasn’t cuddling him enough in bed there was a tantrum. If I didn’t sound pleased enough to be talking to him when he called me there was a tantrum. These episodes invariably involved him storming out of the flat to go home (thankfully we lived apart) then coming wandering back about an hour later blaming the outburst on his “evil ex’s” and how he had been mistreated in the past. As time went on the tantrums became more acidic. About 6 months into the relationship he ceased apologising for the episodes and instead the “red mist” used to come down. This meant that instead of the apologies I started to get abuse on email and text accusing me of being “hollow”, “shallow”, “heartless”. He used to say stuff like “I cant stand you” and “I hate you” yet previous to that I was the love of his life and he “had never met anyone like me”. Now I am not of a fiery nature in these situations and I would do my best to display logic and reasoning to him in a diplomatic fashion. But whilst the red mist was present I may as well have being speaking in another language. His responses bore no relation to anything I had previously said to him. It was like another personality overtook him completely (I am therefore wondering if there is something more than narc/sociopath going on here – it was more akin to “possession”). After the red mist lifted (usually around 2 – 3 days) and I was able to talk to him sensibly he just seemed to brush it off as “one of those things”. Seemed utterly incapable of demonstrating any remorse or empathy. All that mattered was his emotional pain.
In conjunction with the tantrums and the “red mists” something else quite odd started to happen. For the first few months of the relationship he was very happy to visit my friends and family and do the social stuff. Everyone liked him and thought he was perfect for me. He was good at turning on the charm when required. However after a while he began to sabotage any social arrangements that were made. He either “wasn’t feeling sociable” or was suddenly beset with inexplicable illnesses that manifested from nowhere. Whether it was a visit to see friends or a lunch planned with my family he suddenly became desperately ill and couldn’t possibly make it so I used to go on my own. In the time I knew him I had bought 3 lots of gig tickets – all for bands that he particularly wanted to see but on each occasion he was ill or too skint or too stressed (one of them was on my birthday and once again I ended up going on my own). I think in retrospect that this was another control mechanism or a need to disrupt so he had energy focused back on him.
Over time I realised that his work life was also a shambles. Never kept down a job for too long. In the time I knew him he was a caretaker at two schools but seemed to run into issues with authority and couldn’t handle being told what to do. In the beginning I thought he was just unlucky and had some bad bosses but now I see it differently. This was also echoed in our relationship as any attempt on my part to diplomatically address issues with his behaviour was interpreted as me “having a go at him” and would result in another tantrum/sulk. After only a short time in this relationship I had a constant feeling of treading on eggshells. His energy was edgy and unsettled even when there was no obvious reason for it being so. As time wore on and I saw the side of him that was his true self I could see an underlying hatred of humanity (which he admitted) and a deeply troubled soul. In the rare occasions when he expressed his inner state he told me he hated himself yet as soon as he was out of the “red mist” he used to say that he “rocked” and thought he was “awesome”. He used to draw much of the time he was at mine and looking back at his pictures now I see that about 90% of them are drawings of himself.
The whole thing came to a head on Christmas Day just gone. We drove to see his Mum in her care home Xmas morning then we were due at my Mums house Xmas evening and then at my dads Boxing day (both sets of parents were looking forward to seeing us and had bought extra food in etc and had bought him presents). As I drove to my mums Xmas afternoon the demonic black mood started from nowhere and with the reason that he “didn’t feel sociable” and was stressed. I ended up driving him back to my flat so he didn’t have to “be sociable”. I left him there and drove back to my Mums where the abusive texts and emails started once more accusing me of being utter lowlife and abandoning him in his hour of need because according to p.v it was the last Xmas his Mother would ever be around and he was so upset . This by the way, is the same mother that he wished dead on several occassions because the money that was “rightfully his” ie his inheritance, was instead having to pay for her care home. After this last drama my family disowned him and said he wasn’t welcome at theirs anymore. Fast forward to two weeks later and early January this year. I had decided to give it one last shot despite the odds being stacked against me somewhat. Went to see p.v mid January and told him (diplomatically) what had happened with my parents and the general upset he had caused everyone only to be met with “I dont give a f*ck what they think of me”. Enough said. Anyway the relationship limped on. I told him that we would now only see each other every other weekend in the hope that this would improve the relationship and the tantrums were less likely to manifest because our time was more precious. Also told him that he seriosuly needed to seek stress therapy or he would implode. He agreed at the time and said he would seek help but never did – just said it was only beacuse of his Mum that he was stressed and had tantrums – yeah right! From this point on ie when I began to draw a line he seemed to change. Oddly enough there were no tantrums as such from this point but instead he started to devalue the time we were meant to have together. Although we now only had every other weekend together he started to allow other things to encroach on it. 6 months prior to this he was obsessive about seeing me but now I was last on his list. He became oblivious to the need to have quality time together and I could feel us drifting apart. He would allow anything and everything to sabotage our weekends yet showed no understanding (or care) for the pain it was causing. I believe this was because I drew a line in the sand after the Xmas episode and started to reclaim power in the relationship so this for him was a perceived restriction or threat to his vampiric energy supply so he began to back off. In 3 months we had only two full weekends together – all the others were sabotaged altogether or cut short. I had continually tried to adress it but once again it was met with I “was having ago at him” and he would sulk.
The story ended 4 weeks ago. He was meant to be at mine but once again he sabotaged it and didn’t turn up. He texted me with an excuse and I responded (in a calm manner) that we needed to talk as I was frightened that we were drfting apart. He never responded. END OF. I didn’t try and placate him this time or dig him out. Two weeks ago I sent his stuff back in a box with no note – no words for him to feed off (I knew the silence would piss him off). So here I am. I am just coming to terms with what he really is. I realise now that his mother had a similar disorder and made his dads life hell. Maybe it was in the genes or perhaps they are just “born”. Four weeks ago I was keen that I didn’t want to cast a “label” on him and wanted to be objective as far as I could be – which was damn hard given the total lack of closure. However after everything I have read on this site (and others) the truth is undeniably staring me in the face. Its hard to take yet somehow sets me free at the same time. I am still up and down and bounce from sadness (I still miss him at times – or perhaps I miss the persona he projected to me?) to outright anger.
Wishing you all much Light on your healing journey x
Hi Starlight thank you for your comment, and welcome to the site! 🙂 I think that Psychopaths are born that way, and Sociopaths are created that way, but this is just my take on it.
Thank you 🙂 I think this one was “created”. I only ever saw a frail little old lady with no mind of her own (Alzheimers is SO cruel) but he always used to say to me when we visited her that she was a monster to his Dad. P.V left home very young and travelled around without a care in the world. His dad died a few years ago and now that forced him to have to stay in one area to watch over her. Its a sad state but I think its created even more inner conflict for him. The woman he grew up resenting is now a different personality – frail and vulnerable and he has to try and balance that in his head and heart. He still wants to hate her (and still goes on about his inheritance being spent on her care home) but now she is a different Being altogether. That must create so many conflicting feelings. Not trying to excuse the crap I have put up with in the last 16 months but I have the kind of mind that likes to get to the root of things. He had such an easy life – way easier than most people til he was in his 40’s (lived like a care-free child) and now karma, divine intervention, justice – whatever you want to call it has called his number and said “its your time to grow up and take responsibility”. He is struggling and lashes out at people because he is akin to a 48 year old child. Not good.
I’m new to this site and am not sure where or how to post. I only see where to leave replies. My relationship just ended and I am in a tailspin. Starting to realize that he had sociopathic charactertistics. I feel very beaten down and I’m scared of him and the ways in which he is trying to destroy me. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. He blames me for everything.
Hi Christy, welcome to the site! 🙂 I know that leaving them is so difficult as they turn your world upside down. When you say he is trying to destroy you, what is he doing?
So I read two stories about sociopaths and they were all kinda hating about sociopaths. I know there are many sociopaths that do bad things but they can’t do anything about it. I myself was borna sociopath, as in I feel no guild, remorse, sympathie or any of that matter and I can lie and manipulate easily without practise it’s just natural, but I don’t wanna hurt people. I’m a christian and I made very strict rules to maintain myself. It all comes down to you can’t hate a man with autism for not understanding sarcasm so you also can’t hate a man with sociopathisme for not understanding guild
Yes but it is the manipulative behaviour and the compulsion to lie, then feeling no guilt or remorse for hurting someone else that is the problem. We didn’t sign up for a liar or a fake person, but that is what we get.
@Elian
You just sound like a SP, that cannot take responsibility for their actions. I’m the one to blame for the other womens, I’m the one to blame for a 5 digit debt he took without my consent and knowledge at our name, I’m responsible of his child support debt, of his absolute silence to our children, I’m responsible for my ruptured eardrum after he hit me when I was just washing the clothes, I’m responsible of all his bad words to me and our children, I’m the one to blame for watching all the men, I’m responsible of not wearing a burka or shout my mouth of…Oh please…
You know what? I’m just responsible of believe in him and giving him another opportunity and not getting him out of our lives before.
Hi Starlight! I’m always amazed after reading the new posts at just how much these sociopaths resemble each other. You seem like a very intelligent and perceptive young woman and, I have no doubt in my mind that you are determined to leave your albatross behind. It’s so much better to get out while the relationship is relatively new. Too many of us clung to the hope that we misinterpreted what our sociopaths did or, that we were somehow responsible for their actions and could therefore, change our own behaviors and save the relationship. At the end of the day, most of us stayed too long and suffered horribly as a consequence. It is possible his mom his
is on the spectrum somewhere between narcissist and sociopath. I’m convinced most of my sp’s family is narcissistic. I’m happy for you that you are moving on so quickly before years and years are stolen from you. I’m curious, has it occurred to you that his recent lack of interest means he’s found another source of supply. This is how my relationship ended…loads and loads of excuses and commitments on his part meant I couldn’t connect with him for weeks on end. He was, of course, trying to court someone else or, was in fact seeing her outright while shining me on. Mine dumped me at a very needy moment in my life and never discussed the breakup with me at all. He simply announced his new realtionship on Facebook and married her 90days later. I had suggested he see a councilor and had refused to feed into a strange obsession he had over a dog he owned died. He informed me his dog was his one true girlfriend and, as his girlfriend , I was a little confused. I think the suggestion that he get counciling and my lack of sympathy and determination to speak logically to a man who clearly was not being logical forced his hand about me. I became persona non gratis…very quickly. I assume replacement girl, RN, Angel of mercy, tells him what he wants to hear. Anyway welcome to the club. Talking about it with people who understand is really important.
Hi Julie, it being my first post on here and “telling my story” I was conscious how long the post was and there was so much stuff I didn’t want to elaborate on. p.v has an 8yr old son and when I insitgated the “only seeing him every 2 weeks” rule it was the case that he saw me one weekend and the child the other weekend. The one peculiar thing that sets the story different from many on here is that at no point did I have any feeling that another woman was involved. Reason being that despite the gradual devaluing of the relationship after the xmas episode he still maintained the obsessive texting and phone calls. I knew where he was every minute of the day and night and this particular narc was an obsessive creature of habit. The sabotaging of the weekends we were meant to have together centered around his son (who sadly is beginning to show signs of hyper-emotional states) and I never had any excuses from him that were flakey or suspicious in respect of another female being on the scene. Coupled with this p.v had degenerated into hyper-stress mode (due to the “mother-stress”) and was becoming a worn out, tired, bitter, fractious creature who to my mind wasn’t capable of orchestrating another relationship. When he was with me even up to the end of the relationship we has quite happy for me to be able to see his phone when texts came through and also his email front page. After reading the many posts on here I have analysed time after time whether there might have been someone else but seeing him and being in “his energy” it doesn’t ring true that there was someone else. But who knows with these creatures – maybe I am wrong. As a footnote to this When I “drew the line” he seemed to begin to focus excessively on the child instead. He began to allow the weekends we were meant to have together to be dominated by his need to spend more time with the child (they lived 5mins away and he saw him mid-week as well as every other weekend). He also started to shower the child with gifts all the time even though he was skint and in debt. I am not saying that is wrong but it was excessive and my feeling is that becuase he didn’t have another female/sexual supply in line yet that he transfered the energy feed to the child because I began to restrict my energy supply to him. I dont know – these are only my thoughts and feelings from what I have seen so far. The blackest irony is that I lent him £2000 to be able to get his own place and move closer to the kid and get a job near there. He was meant to pay me back £100 a month but when it came to it only gave me £35 saying he couldn’t afford anymore yet spunked money on outlandish presents for the kid every weekend. madness! Wishing you all love and light. There is a Path beyond all this pain. I accept that for whatever reason my soul chose this as a lesson and I honour what it brings in the name of growth, wisdom and my ability to be a greater help to others x
They are all good at using others for money and whatever they want at the moment. I was a total enabler that way. I convinced myself I was just trying to make him happy and make up for all the hard time other women had given him. Truthfully I believe now I knew he was staying around for the things and I essentially paid him to stay which is way pathetic. How desperate is that? Well his current victim is a widow so a fat insurance settlement will keep him happy for 6-9 months at least.
About your sp and no other gf, maybe you’re right but, I advise you brace yourself just in case he was and decides you should know. Mine was dating women who were Facebook friends with one of my closest friends. When my friend confronted him about it he simply said he would always love me no matter who he was with because I was the love of his life.,.yeah, so much so he married the widow in 90 days. You just can’t account for everything they do because they are not logical and, of course , they are very mentally ill. Sometimes I think mine rubbed a little crazy off on me. Take care and, best wishes.
Thanks for the “heads up” Julie 🙂 For some reason I cant reply directly to your own post so am replying to mine. If he is/was seeing anyone else I’m not likely to find out about it and quite frankly couldn’t give a monkeys. I dont do facebook (although he does) and we have no mutual friends or associates. He has no real friends at all and god help him if he contacted any of mine – they would strip him to pieces (I am blessed with amazing supportive souls in my life and did not allow him to erode this in the last 16 months despite the acidic shitty attempts on his part). We simply dont move in the same circles. The only way I would hear about another woman would be if he text me or emailed me himself and whilst I cant see it happening if he does then I will say how happy I am for him and wish him every happiness – it would infuriate him and he’s not gonna get an ounce of energy from me 🙂 With regards to money I did my research and found out that if you can prove the money was a loan and not a gift then it can be claimed back through the small claims court. I will be doing this if the direct debit doesn’t materialise next month. I dont think your behaviour was desperate – you did exactly what I did. In my case it was because I wanted him to be able to get on with his life and get his feet on the ground (not knowing at the time that he self-sabotages to the extent that he constantly puts himself in hopeless positions). Whatever the end outcome you acted from a place of love and compassion and I would have done the same if it was my brother or my best friend. We as empaths act out of kindness and love not knowing what we are really dealing with. Much Love x
Oh yes stories are similar mine married in 30 days.
Certainly life changing to be involved with these people.
It’s a long hard road with rainbows at the end we will all get there in due time.
LOL 30 days? Wow, it’s hard to believe they could convince someone to marry them in such a short space of time but, they are pushy. Tell me, did your sp’s marriage prove to be the little piece of heaven I’m sure he advertised it as? I’m curious since a friend of mine and I have a bet about how long my sp’s third marriage will last, I say 2 years, she says 3-4.At least I can mock him over it lol. Thank you for your reply and I hope there is rainbows in all of our futures! We deserve them:)
They are pushy. I met him on December 27th for the first time. He virtually didn’t leave, he was living there in January, Feb 14th he manipulated me to say that we were engaged – as it was a leap year, to tell people it was all my idea. Fortunately I didn’t marry him. He had no problems moving on to another, he told me he will move on to another then another then another etc……
They are mentally ill. Yes, fortunately for you, you didn’t marry him. You were smart. The poor women who marry them become property and ultimately suffer worse than any of us. Isn’t it sad? One day he will reap the crop that he has sown. I know he won’t care if a woman dumps him but, they all hate to be alone and lose supply.
Well we are still in the smear campaign on me.
And triangulation is continuely tried as in they even moved down the street in the same town and are my neighbors.happy life plastered all over social media.seems to me it is 9-10 yr cycles as I’ve seen with the past exes. My family says 6 months there will be fireworks being the now spouse is also on a sociopath level.i have my doubts about that but time will tell . I can only take care of me from here on out.
Mine plasters his “happy” life all over Facebook too which is why I recently deleted my account. Question, if a person is so freaking happy with their life, why would they have to advertise it? Wouldn’t they be busy just living it? When I first got back with my sp I was very happy and rarely went on FB. I did send him love memes sometimes and e-cards but very few pics or etc. I was genuinely happy and didn’t have anyone I was trying to make jealous . I don’t think he did either at that time. Now he has studio photos and family this and that’s . I smell a rat but even if he thinks he’s happy, I know the end of this story and, so do you, tragedy and lots of it. Maybe you shouldn’t look at his page. If he knows you aren’t, it will make him angry even if he doesn’t say so or, ever contact you. Best wishes for a good life. I know how you feel and your feelings can go from love to hate in 20 seconds. It’s part of a lengthy recovery. It would be great if you could move 🙂
Elian, with respect, you say you do not want to hurt people which indicates that you experience regret and I would call that a conscience. Narcissists have a conscience but they just ignore it. Perhaps you are more narc than sp. in either case, you can control your behavior and have made a commitment to discipline your impulses. A little therapy might help you. I know Gid can change you as well. The men and women most often discussed in here do not want change, do not believe they need change, believe themselves to be superior and do wish to rob people, break their hearts and worse. They do not deserve pity although I’m sure a good many of these good women have prayed for them.
That’s just it that’s not happy if they got to sell it to the public. Normal people just go on with out a word when they are happy.I don’t ever look at the social media but I heard it from all my family and friends as it makes them mad but they had no emotional attachment to them.my SP did attack my family too and tried to get some fired from jobs over their lies.Evil very Evil when it was their own storm no one did a thing to them.I own the house it was purchased and 6 months into it , I caught the cheating with coworkers.As they walked off and I was left with child ,house ,new car and lawyer bills.They are Scott free and new wife paying the rent.So I can’t move and I’m going to make it , however or whatever it takes we will make it.counseling and lots of love .
I think it bothers me to think my sp went on to be happy and that he’s finally with the woman God made for him. It plays with my mind but it’s as we have both said, happy people don’t have to advertise it. If you are, likely you’re poking someone or, looking for attention/affirmation. Mine was the center of attention in his family for years but his niece just gave birth to a little boy and I know this child is the new golden boy. Sometimes I think he married this woman because his family approved if her and it was his way of ine-upping the new baby. I suppose you have read that these guys are about six years old on an emotional level. I would say thatched about right.
Sorry you can’t move away. Hopefully he will run out of his new main squeezes money and they will be forced to move. That would be great. They are evil, evil evil. Mine tried to get a total stranger fired from his job because he envied him. He stirred up a lot of trouble for the guy.
That made me smile – I remember when I used to spend time with p.v and his 8 yr old son. After one of the usual tantrums I told him that the kid had more emotional maturity than he did at 48! Then over time I realised it was very true 😦 Never a truer word said in jest….
You are so healthy and having a wonderful support system will make all the difference in the world for you. From what I’ve read, sps and narcs cannot cope with someone that they cannot fully control. I read some comment on here, I think, that said no one tries to rob any empty house. He obviously saw your value, had hope he could enslave you and darn well found out he couldn’t. 😉 Your life will be better now. I suppose the good that comes out of one of these relationships is that we discover what we do not want and we learn to recognize a personality disordered person quicker than other people do. That can’t be a bad thing. Take care….
Well said Julie ❤
Hello..I wrote my first message in another topic and now i found here and wanted to share my story..
Everything started 14 months ago..He was my soul mate,loving,caring man..I moved to another country for my work and we met..We were talking everyday,texting,he was showing me around and we started dated.he was earning his money by renting his own buildings so he wasnt planning to stay..I was in love so i said stay with me! We spend 3-4 month together in my apartment! Amazing times..so much love..But i had to leave to my country again,i moved..He came,he met my family,friends,i met his parents,friends..He had some economical problems.That made him more depressed every day.He came couple of times to my city i went there many time so everything was time.We were talking about marriage etc. At the end of a year he became more agressive,depressed..and everything was about money.he was saying may be he needs to find another job to support himself instead of renting.I always supported him.He became angry couple of times to me..One day i told him he broke my heart and he said that is a problem because my heart breaks easilly. But in general everything was okey,er are good,solid..i went to visit him and stayed two three weeks and came back.last day we had a fight about his friends,he said i didnt like his friends,we always do what i want which i dont feel that way.i came home and everything was okey again,he was troubled about money stuff..and suddenly he stoped answered his phone calls,texts! In first two days i thought something happened to him.one day he answered we talked he said he got a ten day job and very busy and then again he got lost..in first 15 days i called every two days ot text him and i send 2 emails in total to ask what is going on..no answer! then i saw him on fb sending motivational quotes etc..i decided to accept to fact that we broke up that way and he wasnt the man i thought he was..silent treatment for me was horrible! No closure nothing..I suffered,cried,lost sleep,nightmares..And i was still missing him and loving him-the man that he used to be-
Meanwhile in our relationship he lied couple of times..usually white lies.He said he bought me a present,sent me the picture of it but never gave it to me..etc.He said he didnt see his ex but i saw on his phone they met.(i know it was friendly i read it but in that moment i understood how good liar was he) It took me a while to trust him fully.I kept looking his messages etc.
After that silent mode,after almost 2 months he send me a messages out of blue..he send two id cards of military and he said he is sorry,he is military now.I texted back..he said that is the major reason that he broke up with me.i need to be safe and that is away from ,i have every right to say anything etc said he needs to work 6 more years as military and next 7 months he will be travelling a lot.i said okey.at the end he said he loves me!!!! i said he gave me too much to thing about and hard to process and take care..(i hope i didny give him a satistaction of feeling good about himself..did i?please tell me)
After this conversation i felt okey..İ said okey he loves me and he needed to break up,he is obviously said about so now it is time to move one! But i discovered that the id cards that he showed to me was fake!!!!!!!!!!! I confused more…I didnt confront him,i didnt want to ask but of course i coulndt understand what is going on either.I dont know what to think about now..Does he lying about his job and he only talked to me to give a closure or remain friends or feel better about him..or may be he is telling the truth i dont know. Did he want to stay friends and said a lie so we can connect each other and at the same time i wont be any expectations from him because he works abroad with this job so we remain friends? Or may be he tells the truth and couldnt sent me a real ids so he tried to proved he is real??
The drama is outstanding and I used to have a saying that one word changes it all . Meaning one word changed the whole story.what I know now is they were lies all lies not one word making a story different. Countless affairs and spending all my money were key factors too.i have never in my life seen anyone burn all bridges as these people do.i don’t agree that they are happy there is no way they can be. I believe they keep moving to not have to face, deal with and hear the devistation of their distruction on us . So God has not made a woman for him , god has saved you from him is all.
Thank you, I needed to hear what you have said. I am definetly riding a roller coaster of emotion, somewhere between blaming myself and blaming him. I truly hate feeling this way, I think you’re right God must have saved me from all of this, thanks again.
Hi Julie I totally get where you’re coming from. I am still undecided if he was sp or not. He fits alot of the criteria but was different in others. It feels to me that he was more narcissist than anything with some other mental illness thrown into the mix – cos of the other brain-dead personality that seemed to manifest during the tantrums. Or perhaps I am still in denial? I am starting to see a counsellor Monday so I think this will help to iron some things out to speak to an objective professional. This said and no matter what they are, abusive behaviour is totally unacceptable. I still wallow a lot trying to over-analyse whether I had any fault in it – its a natural part of trying to establish some inner peace from all the turmoil. When it first ended I wrote down all the crap and how I perceived it. 8 pages later I had much of it in black and white so I could re-read it when I started to question myself. It really helped 🙂 x
Evening. I have decided now that I will see a counsellor as part of my recovery. Its been 4 weeks without him now and though I am not as raw as I was 4 weeks back my head and heart are still desperate for some clarity. The oddest thing is that I was only with p.v for 16 months and I have had longer, better relationships in the past with truly loving people but this one has some how caused what seems to be a disproportionate amount of emotional damage. I dont know if its the confusion of what he really was ie whether the whole thing was a sham or if its the lack of closure etc. Whatever it is I need to reclaim my power and heal the best way I can. Blessings to all of you x
I still struggle time to time with blaming myself we were conditioned to do that.life will never be the same as we knew it. But you can make your own story now and you’ll make it better.
Thank you LMS, I am a mess. I appreciate your comments, I know you are right.
You are welcome anytime you need to talk I was a mess to for a long time . Sometimes I still am but I fordge forward and determined to have the good life I deserve. Lean on closet to you, a lot of people can’t even begin to understand what you are going thru.
I am 22 and have been with this sociopath since i was 19. I wanted to become an escort and i stumbled across him on the personals ads. Please do not judge me. I realize i may have had a whole other set of problems for wanting to become an escort. He showed me how to do this and began abusing me emotionally and mentally and then fixing it with his “great love.” I left him several times during our 3 yr bout. Always coming back thinking i was choosing love. This is not the truth, i see now. He continuously cyber stalks for other working girls that he can recruit. He took up poker. Hes great at and wins thousands a month becuase hes on probation and doesnt want to go back to prison. I was duped into staying an extra year and 6 months with him becuase he financially supported me for 8 months. This made me think that he really loves me because he doesnt want me to work and see other men. I supported him for the rest of the 3 yrs by seeing men that he arranged for me. I came into the relationship thinking that people can still manage healthy relationships if one person is in escorting or porn because i seeked out success stories. He always brought in some of his own income maybe at some points it was 50 50 but he always sought control over all of the money and of me. If i ever asks what he does with our money he gets very angry. This is very sad for me because we had a lot of great times, he was spontaneous and charismatic. He initiated fun activities and traveling adventures that i genuinly enjoyed. The whole relationship was like a one night stand, if you compare it to sex. I enjoyed this menage but didnt think of the consequenses that i was forming a chemical bond with this person who is only using me. It lasted 3 years. This realization just came upon me that he has no plan of action. With all of the money him and i have brought in, he had ample time to start a business or a learn a trade. All he actually cared for is being comfortable and snugg with money, shelter, abundance and power. As were moving out of house and it was our last few days there before downgrading to cheaper apartment rent(my idea). I saw past present and future of who he is. I stared at him, just stuck as all of this hit me quickly in fluid thoughts.versus Before when it was scattered and debated in my mind. Ive got so much healing to do. I had issues before this now i have even more issues. God help me. I want to break up with him. He has no money to his name at this moment and no car im deciding if i can or if i should hustle up a few hundred and give it to him so hes not flat on his ass. If he knows ive deiced to do this last help he will think i am compassionate and weak and that he still has a chance to further control me. And that is true i am weakened now so i need a clean, decisive and strategic break so he cant wiggle back in. If i stay with him for the summer, we will take a work trip and i can make 10,000 and split it with him. See, when he supported me for those 8 mo. He ran up credit cards for us to eat. Hes 5,000 in debt. Should i stay for the summer? I really dont want to show him more love but i feel bad for his debt. He has dreams of being a famous poker player. I know he will someday becuase hes plays 40+ hours a week and wins constantly but i dont care because he is selfish and abusive no matter what. I dont want to play along like i love and want to be with him. I dont want to leave him flat broke hes driving around in a rental car now and is using a credit card to pay it. Even though he is a sociopath and has no empathy i still see him as a human being and not as a demon spawn or whatever and i want him to have enough to move on and not look back. Im scared i am not strong enough to stand up to his commands and apologies. If i hand the money i make to him i am not getting any of it back and he wont want to split it i dont think. What should i do? Please help. And please do not judge. Its in my best interest to quit escorting so that i may heal. I am not too much worried about money, just bills and they arent due for another month so i can find a job or work for fathers company and use fathers car for now. I have $60 cash savings(sad for an escort, right?). I have 1000 coming in this week from a deposit. I must get a job to distract me from my fast cash addiction. Not to mention my lifelong alcoholic mother just got into to treatment, my 17yr old sister is pregnant and wants to live with me. I told her of my desire to leave this guy. She lives with my diabetic father who stores too much merchandise in the home to live comfortably and normally. Father also needs much help in his business i wish i could help for free becuase hes also building up a convenient store. He can afford to pay me but in paying me for doing wholesales deliveries, his progress for the store will be delayed. This is a lot to handle but i believ i can do it. I am just confused
I blame myself too..I am thinking if i acted different we would be together,may be that time he wouldnt break up with me..or if i can move to his city everything can be easy for relationship etc etc..But at the end he ended the relationship with a silent treatment,after 2 months he gave me a fake explanation which he thinks i believed,and he said goodbye..so i need to move on..i just miss the old version of him..difficult!
Nykie
I was with exsp for 4.5 yrs. Daily coffees for 4.5 yrs. Never missed a day. Talk of marriage, daily I love you…. Trips, the works
He lied throughout. Including his name and online cheating etc.
Then he ended it out of the blue. Now 6 mths later I’ve been blocked. So I’m in nc. This is probably a good thing and most days I’m ok. Today I felt weak and angry and sad. Hopefully these days are finally getting fewer and further between
Trust me, those angry days do become less and less. Just keep with the no contact. It does take a while but it is worth it in the end. Just try and look at the positives in your lives. Write your feelings down in a journal. Write out a list of 5 things you want to do this year that has nothing to do with your sociopath or lovelife and put it on a wall and go and achieve it. Almost 1.5 years of no contact for me and I now go days without thinking of him. I am beginning to think of him less and less finally. It takes a lot of time and effort on your part to move on but is is essential if you want to live a fulfilling life again and away from the poison that was in it. Eventually you will be able to go out into the world to find someone that will treat you like a Queen and know what love is.
It is the same for all of us. We were in love, they were not. It’s hard to believe someone could treat another human being so badly but they can. I would like to move on but I see I will have to forgive this toad before it can happen. It won’t be easy. We are not to blame. I don’t think there is much hope for any of them but, much hope for us. Thank you for your not, take care.
Joelene,aliciap82,Julie…I think recovery starts from acceptance..I am new in this journey and i know it will be long one..I am trying to do NC,it is been 2 days only that i havent checked his fb.Long way to go but i needed to start at some point.
I need to accept his own fake military reason as it is true and move on..Otherwise i will continue to search the answer which i will never have and hurt myself..I say myself “he said he said goodbye but i love you” so be it..It is over,deal with it!Otherwise i do overthinking and hurt myself not anyone else..
I am glad we are here together to support eachother
Hi. I’m with a sociopath man now. I want to break up with him asap. It’s been 3 years. I’m very sad and very scared to do this but it must be done. Last week I had a serious uninterrupted thought out of the blue. It is that all this man cares about is having with money, a home and power. Mostly over me. In 3yrs I tried to leave him 3 times. He always convinced me to come back. It sounds stupid but I think I’m in danger of letting him talk me into staying this time. That’s why I want to do it right away so I can move on with my life. I’m afraid of his temper that if I tell him at home he might really hurt me. He hasn’t seriously injured me before just hair pulled, pushing name calling. Just for those things I can’t believe I put up with. I’m glad it’s my choice. I don’t have much of a plan. I have one month’s living expenses. I’ve never had a job. I will try to get one. I can also work for father. I get a little frozen when I think of how and when I can end it. I feel bad because the S is 5,000 in credit card debt and it’s partially my fault. He’s driving around in a rental car. I have 600 for him before I leave him for good. I don’t want him to think that I purposely made sure he had 600 before I kick him out. But I did. It’s easy because he controls the money always has. Otherwise if I didn’t make sure he had 600 he would be flat on his ass broke. I don’t believe he is some demon spawn he just lacks empathy. He financially took care of me for 8mo. Out of 3 yrs. I’m scared and I need some encouragement to do this. God help me and god help everyone in this sticky situation.
It’s for sure that relationship with someone who is this mentally, ill, regardless of the diagnosis, will leave it’s mark on the rational partner. It’s as they say in most of these sites they don’t function as normal people and we as victims continually try to analyze their activities as if they do act normally. I’m tired of being on this roller coaster to hell. Mine took over twenty years of my life (on and off) and I’m worn out. I hate how he broke my heart and shoved a new relationship in my face. It would be great if he finds his repulsive self all alone one day. I think it’s the only thing that would really trouble him and it’s what he sentenced me to. On a high note, the last time I saw a picture of him he’d gained about 100 lbs. I guess that’s what true love does for you, lol. Take care and I hope counciling will help you:)
Hi Julie. One thing I have always believed (and I use it in my spiritual work) is the energy that we send out comes back to us. P.v’s life consisted of no friends (his own doing), constant trouble in jobs, ongoing conflict with the mother of his child, money problems, tiredness and low-level ill health and a very uneasy, nervy, almost unstable energy about him all the time. He was rarely happy and as someone put it to me displayed an “inability to function normally in the everyday world”. Whether he is a narc/BPD/SP or whatever he is still sending negativity and resentment “out there” most of his days and this I believe, is rebounding back to him – its everywhere he walks because he manufactures it and perpetuates it. He is too caught up in his own victim mentality to see it. My feeling is this too will (or is) happening to your ex and he will be reaping it in one way or another. Lets face it if theres crap going on in his life he’s hardly going to let you see it. What you send out comes back to you. This helps me to stand back a bit and see a bigger picture 🙂 Thank you for your best wishes with the counselling. Much love to you x
I have no trouble believing your sp was less mature than his own son and, likely very proud of it as well. I. Am still amazed that any one of us on here would ever want anything to do with such sulky, spoiled, willful children but, it seems they have one or two things going for them, Funny, I can’t remember one good thing at the moment…just a broke, semi-dim witted, childish manipulative jerk, wow, that’s attractive…not. Thank you for your posts. I know you will be okay and happy one day soon.
My 48 year old ex used to buy toys for his 8 yr old and sometimes keep them for himself. I dont know if thats normal for blokes but I’ve not seen it in any previous relationships. I think much of the time we dont see the flip side til we’re lured in – its the “mask” perhaps?
I know how I felt when I first learned we were broken up. It was devastating. It seems to me that you have a really good handle on what has happened to you and that you are really looking forward to a new life without this malignant man in your life. It take courage and determination to break free and it’s hard as heck to do it but, you are doing it a day at a time. I know that is what they say in AA meetings but, it applies here since our connection to the sp is like an addiction and, it takes time to move on. I know you’ll do it and all the victims on here understand and will be glad to help. Take care!
M
Thank you 🙂 I still feel the addiction most of the time though. Still stewing over “what if’s” and still not what sure he is/was. I am forcing myself to try and take the focus away from him and focusing on myself instead which is hard but I’ll get there 🙂 x
Maybe so. My ex used to buy his boys gifts for Chrstmas that he wanted them to have. For example, he only bought them sports video games when it was pretty clear the boys wanted to play other games. he also bought each one identical gifts even though there was a couple years between each in age. I guess it’s just the sp desire to control and dominate perhaps mixed with a desire to play with the toys himself? They are children internally so, it seems to fit. Can you imagine how a child feels when he realizes his father is less mature than he is? It must be scary and I suppose it forces the child to step up and act older than he is…
I think you are right Julie although it would also depend on the childs personality type as to how he adapts or copes. At present this kid views his father as nothing other than god but as the teenage hormones kick in there maybe problems. He’s started to show signs of ultra-sensitive emotional states – hysterics, abandonment issues n stuff. I am wondering if this kid will end up the same. p.v.s mother had some kind of mental illness, p.v has got it and now the kid? Time will tell.
Poor child and the sp will no doubt manipulate him to no end. I am sorry for him. It must be an so total delight to know a child is completely dependent upon him and then therefore easy to lead along. I hope the child doesn’t develop similar mental illness and, can escape his father and have a good life. These sps are so dangerous.
Everything you say makes perfect sense. Did you notice after a time with your sp that your energy levels began to decrease, did you feel sort of desperate and stressed and angry for no good reason? I felt all of these symptoms and, I started to believe the drain was coming from him. I don’t know if I’m right but it felt like even from a distance he was sucking me dry of happiness, peace, joy etc. Mine did not physically or verbally abuse me because I warned him not to so, what I’m describing seemed to be coming from his constant presence whether physical presence or, his texting, emailing etc. He was so clingy…I think that was stressful. How about you?
Yes and its odd as I was thinking of this self same thing in bed last night. After 3 months in the relationship I remember telling a friend that it was becoming exhausting – it was the tantrums, controlling behaviour, paranoid jealousy, constant texting – and clingyness!. I knew in my heart that a healthy relationship shouldn’t make you feel this way but I stayed. I constantly made excuses for him because he constantly reminded me of the stress he carried with his mother. I did feel for him as it must be saddening to have your mum in a care home with Alzheimers but at the end of the day you dont take it out on others – especially those that love & support you. Anyway I’m digressing. There is a reason why they can make you feel drained and unhappy without being there because there will be cords or channels of energy formed between you. In any relationship we have this whether its negative or positive. Any emotional reaction we have within the relationship reinforces the channels – whether we are expressing devoted love (and they appear to be reciprocating) or we are angry as hell and hurting – all this energy keeps the channels open. The energy cords can continue to exist way after a relationship ends too. Do you mind me asking how long ago it ended with him?
I don’t mind at all. I’m not sure when it ended formally. I only know he stopped talking to me so much about April and then I was diagnosed with cancer and he never contacted me again after May. After treatment in September I tried contacting him but he announced he had a new woman who was having back surgery (minor) on Facebook and then married her December 6th. Ther was no real break up and he only talked to me when I insisted through a text message. I believe he left things open-ended. Since he has not tried to contact me although I have had very vivid dreams about him. I don’t know whether that is me or., him. It seems like every time we’ve been parted I could feel him trying to call out to me somehow. It sounds creepy and paranoid but, I have felt that way. It’s not so much now so, I assume it’s because he’s busy looting his new supply.
Its natural to have dreams about them – especially vivid ones. I think part of it is our subconscious throwing things up to be processed. A lot of the time its easier for our minds to do the subconscious work while we sleep. This can also be harrowing but it just shows that our whole being is still trying to heal and process. Julie I cant imagine having to go through cancer and the painful ending of the relationship – that’s just horrendous. So even though he knew you had the illness he didn’t even check on how you were after May? Also do you still feel an energy tie to him? Big hug x
No, he never checked on me and, we knew each other for over 20 years. Yes, he nearly killed me emotionally and physically. I have to believe it’s what he meant to do. I’m determined to leave him behind. What I think I feel sometimes is him reaching out to me on a spiritual level trying to keep me on the hook without having a direct contact. I believe he told the new woman he would never contact me as a way of proving to her how loyal he is to her. I have said he sold me into slavery to have the purchase money to buy her. It hurts me to say it but it’s a good way to put it. Thanks so much for your comments. It means so much to know someone understands. Thanks again.
Hi Julie. Thats unforgiveable that he showed no concern for your welfare at all. These types of people are almost soul-less. If you “feel” he is still linked to you on an energetic level then he probably is. Our “feelings” are one of our higher sources of perception. By feelings I dont mean our lower instinctual drives but our intuitive power. Our intuitions have a direct link to our higher spiritual selves which in turn views everything from a different persepective and carries our souls wisdom. I could go into a lot of depth with this re “Soul contracts” in relationships and past life influences but will save it for now. Regarding the malignant energy link you have with him this can be dealt with. Your words “sold me into slavery” are quite telling from my perspective. This could be an energetic hook/attachment that is very real. Lots of people carry them constantly without even knowing. Some attachments are harm-less, others can be draining, controlling and perpetuate things like addictive behaviour and other problems eg an inability to heal and move forwards. I am not saying that you necessarily have any but your words resonate with me from people I have worked with in the past (I am a healer outside of my boring office job). My suggestion to you would be to maybe seek out a shamanic healer in your area. A shamanic healer will be able to identify energy hooks, attachments and any possible soul fragmentation that is causing a problem for someone and clear it. They should also be able to show you keys to your own personal power (in the spiritual sense) and help you to bond with it and begin to draw from it. Empowerment from within helps us to weather these storms and put solid building blocks into place for a happy future 🙂 Big hug x
He created the dependency and the pity you are feeling for him. Be very careful, he’s proven himself to be violent and he could have a violent outburst. It would be great if you had a place to hide out, many miles away from your current home. Don’t worry about the whole thing inconveniencing him or, that he’s in debt in part because he was manipulating you to stay. Sps are very irresponsible and my guess is he won’t pay the bill anyway. He’s has no feelings so, hit the road with no guilt and don’t look back. Take care, keep us posted.
Re the child with a narc father, at present p.v has what seems to be quite a healthy bond with the kid. Whenever I saw them together they were best of friends and theres nothing p.v wouldn’t do for him. I read though about younger kids not being affected so much in the beginning because they dont fully view themselves as a seperate entity from the parent yet. I am wondering how p.v will start to deal with it when the kid starts to build his own life and “pull away” in the sense of spending less time with him, having his own social life, challenging him on stuff as his own character develops. Maybe this will bring p.v’s narc side out more and there may start to be issues. Thank hell I wont be around to have to deal with THOSE tantrums when they start to manifest!
Thank you for your insight. I would agree, because of the length and strength of this bond, that this relationship got on a very negative spiritual level. I will give your words some consideration. Thank you for your compassion.
No worries 🙂 I just find it helps to try and take these issues to a higher level sometimes and consider it from a bigger perspective. It gives you a break from the rawer, mundane situation x
I recently read that one of the differences between a narcissist and a sociopath is that narcissists hang on to their children, dominating them as long as possible but a sociopath will ultimately abandon their children. I believe you are right, small children perceive their parents as being perfect. As we both know, as they enter puberty, children question their parents. I can’t believe a sociopath would ever take kindly to criticism so, it would be a perfect time for a sociopath to exit the stage. I also understand that sociopaths and narcs cannot stand to think their children are in anyway superior to them. These poor kids will at some point pay the price I think.
I think you’re right Julie. We can only hope that the children aren’t too damaged that they then perpetuate the cycles on their children to come.
You are a very wise woman. Only good can come from your course of action:)
Thank you – I hope so 🙂 Take care and be good to yourself 🙂
I agree, it sure seems like when you find one in a family, you will find others …
Dear Ones –
Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly…which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place.
Maybe we will have to admit that we are in the wrong job. Or the wrong relationship. With the wrong people around us. Living in the wrong neighborhood. Acting out on the wrong behaviors. Using the wrong substances. Pretending to believe things that we no longer believe. Pretending to be something we were never meant to be.
This moment of realization is seldom fun. In fact, it’s usually terrifying.
I call this moment of realization: NOT THIS.
Because sometimes that’s all you know, at such a moment.
All you know is: NOT THIS.
Sometimes that’s all you CAN know.
All you know is that some deep life force within you is saying, NOT THIS, and it won’t be silenced.
Your body is saying: “NOT THIS.”
Your heart is saying: “NOT THIS.”
Your soul is saying: “NOT THIS.”
But your brain can’t bring itself to say “NOT THIS”, because that would cause a serious problem. The problem is: You don’t have a Plan B in place. This is the only life you have. This is the only job you have. This is the only spouse you have. This is the only house you have. Your brain says, “It may not be great, but we have to put up with it, because there are no other options.” You’re not sure how you got here — to this place of THIS — but you sure as hell don’t know how to get out…
So your brain says: “WE NEED TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE.”
But still, beating like a quiet drum, your body and your heart and your soul keep saying: NOT THIS…NOT THIS…NOT THIS.
I think some of the bravest people I have ever met were people who had the courage to say the words, “NOT THIS” outloud — even before they had an alternative plan.
People who walked out of bad situations without knowing if there was a better situation on the horizon.
People who looked at the life they were in, and they said, “I don’t know what my life is supposed to be…but it’s NOT THIS.” And then they just…left.
I think my friend who walked out of a marriage after less than a year, and had to move back in with her mother (back into her childhood bedroom), and face the condemnation of the entire community while she slowly created a new life for herself. Everyone said, “If he’s not good enough for you, who will be?” She didn’t know. She didn’t know anything about what her life would look like now. But it started with her saying: NOT THIS.
I think of my friend who took her three young children away from a toxic marriage, despite that fact that her husband supported her and the kids financially…and the four of them (this woman and her three children) all slept in one bed together in a tiny studio apartment for a few years, while she struggled to build a new life. She was poor, she was scared, she was alone. But she had to listen to the voices within her that said, NOT THIS.
I think of friends who walked out of jobs — with no job waiting for them. Because they said NOT THIS.
I think of friends who quit school, rather than keep pretending that they cared about this field of study anymore. And yes, they lost the scholarship. And yes, they ended up working at a fast food restaurant, while everyone else was getting degrees. And yes, it took them a while to figure out where to go next. But there was a relief at last in just surrendering to the holy, non-negotiable truth of NOT THIS.
I think of friends who bravely walked into AA meetings and just fell apart in front of a room full of total strangers, and said, NOT THIS.
I think of a friend who pulled her children out of Sunday School in the middle of church one Sunday because she’d had it with the judgment and self-righteousness of this particular church. Yes, it was her community. Yes, it was her tribe. But she physically couldn’t be in that building anymore without feeling that she would explode. She didn’t know where she was going, spiritually or within her community, but she said, NOT THIS. And walked out.
Rationally, it’s crazy to abandon a perfectly good life (or at least a familiar life) in order to jump into a mystery. No sane person would advise you to make such a leap, with no Plan B in place. We are supposed to be careful. We are supposed to be prudent.
And yet….
And yet.
If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don’t know what to do, instead…you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.
You don’t need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong.
The bravest thing to say can be these two words.
What comes next?
I don’t know. You don’t know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is…? It’s NOT THIS.
There are many senarios – not all can be SP related but we only find that out after the fact. This site has been incredibly eye-opening & reassured me that the NOT THIS was an SP. The cut off all contact was the hardest but BEST thing victims of the SP can do. Wish you all strength & excellent healing. You WILL find you again and be astounded how you are SO MUCH MORE than the SP made you feel!❤
BJH
I was dating this man for 10 years . He died recently at a very young age. This man was a sociopathic liar and cheat. He was incapable of telling the truth .
He duped me completely however he also duped his wife and children too.
He told so many lies it’s hard to know where to start . I could write a book with the material I have .
He was given a honourable funeral by his work colleagues who called him a hero. His wife stated he was a loving husband and father. He disrespected not only me but them too.
He was none of those . The hypocritical thing is his work colleagues knew what he was up to and despicably deceived his wife and family at the funeral.
I’m so angry about everything . He took constantly and gave nothing back
I wished to i had never met him .
He isn’t here now to answer for the mess he created and left behind . I’m trying desperately to put closure on this whole sordid thing but am struggling
I hope he is resting in peace but somehow I think he isn’t
Amazing how they come across so different than the reality of who they are. I am sorry that you are angry, and feel that you have been cheated. You say that he isn’t here to answer for the mess, I think that he will in spirit have to witness the pain and carnage that he caused on earth, facing himself, will likely be the biggest karma of all.