The most important thing to a sociopath is control. A victim is of no use, if they are unable to be manipulated and controlled. When a sociopath feels that he is truly losing control (either by other people coming into your life, or if you find new hobbies and interests, that he feels will take you away from him), you will see the mask ‘slip’ and a narcissistic rage can occur.
What this means is that the sociopath can feel real or perceived injury by you ignoring him, or doing something which they think has injured their pride, or by doing an action that lets them think that you will leave them, in fact anything at all.
The first time that you witness this rage, it can be quite alarming. After all, all you have seen up until this point, is Mr calm, Mr smooth, Mr charm, Mr in control, Mr perfect, Mr ‘tell you all that you want to hear’. However, when the sociopath loses grip of control over someone, his character will change.
What you witness when the mask slips, is a man who shouts, who yells, and who gaslights. Someone who tries to isolate you from support of other people (people who he perceives might talk sense into you and lead you away from him). Now you are witnessing, Mr angry, Mr control, and to your face, Mr manipulative.
You might be confused, and wonder what it is that you have done wrong? The truth is, that you have done nothing wrong. This is the real him, it is the way that he has always been, behind his mask of charm. When you assert your own right, your own personality, when you try to grow yourself away from him, his desire for control becomes more desperate, and narcissistic rage will occur. He will
- Minimise your experiences with others
- Invalidate your feelings
- Gas light you and try to make you feel bad or guilty for wanting to do something else
- Become angry and try to make you feel guilty
- Shout
- Try to hem you in, and pin you down
- Invade your personal space
I can only describe the narcissistic rage, as a meltdown of insanity. Everything that he is saying makes no logical sense, and you protest your innocence. But this is another form of manipulation designed to control you and manipulate you. Remember that the sociopath is about control, and he uses brain washing to achieve his ends.
And then, just as suddenly as he can have a narcissistic rage meltdown, he can equally regain composure, and return swiftly back to the charming, useful, helpful person that he was before. It is as if the mask slips for a while, and then he quickly regains composure, and puts the act back on with a smiling calm face. Sometimes this experience can feel quite eerie, and can make you question your own feelings, and your own sense of rational thought.
If you truly knew that this simmering need for control, and inner energy was behind him all of the time, he would risk losing you. And if he did, before he had used you up for all of his source of supply, this would be his loss. Sociopaths do not like losing.
They always have an agenda. They come with agendas and leave with one too. You might feel overwhelmed when you are on the receiving end of narcissistic rage. You might feel confused, at this sudden change of character…. and then just when you assert your rights, he will quickly turn back into Mr charm and Mr helpful again.
You might feel bitter and resentful towards him for hurting you, but he will
- Gas light you to make you believe that it was your fault
- That it was something that you did wrong
- That you are making a bigger scene than is really necessary
If you have just been on the receiving end of this, pay attention. You are seeing a brief glimpse of the real man behind the mask, and what he really thinks of you. His real feelings of contempt for you. It will not be a one off either. As this is the real man and you will witness this again, and again and again. Pay attention, because at the time of narcissistic rage, the sociopath is showing more of his true self to you, than he does at any other time.
Words © datingasociopath.com
Dating a Sociopath 
wow! This has really helped.. I saved all his nasty little emails, text and voicemail for my future reference all throughout our relationship.. and I have often reflected back on them.. After reading this, I now know this is how HE sees me.. I just thought they were hateful correspondence.. I now know this is what he thinks/thought of me.. shocking.. They are great examples of the mask coming off.. I do not take them personal anymore.. I actually feel sorry for him.. But, his rage became more and more violent.. from nasty comments, gas lighting, separation of friends and family to full out threatening to break something of mine.. I have even witnessed him hitting his bed over and over again with his fist screaming at me for disagreeing about why service members join the military.. I honestly was in SHOCK.. and when I asked him about it later he said that it never happened.. not sure if his response was gas lighting to make me *think I was crazy and imagined that, or if he doesn’t remember.. His pupils were enlarged to the point his eyes were dark.. like he was not there..
Yes, and his face drained of colour too…..eyes out on stalks, face tense and colour drained….. and an atmosphere that you could cut with a knife. it was only during those times that I felt in danger. But this was the man behind the mask. This is why he doesn’t care and can do bad things then not care about it, or display empathy.
I went through 38 years with my Soc. and only since leaving him two years ago did I even find out what he was. He insisted (and was encouraged by professionals and clergy, etc.) that he had an “anger problem,” something that anger management would fix. I never heard the term narcissist or sociopath from anyone. I had no idea. Maybe they had no idea either but then maybe they shouldn’t have been in the counseling business! I was told not to “push his buttons!” Somehow, his anger was my fault. I knew it wasn’t, but how do you explain the craziness happening behind closed doors. So many times I wished that a 3rd party was present to witness his rants and abuse. But, of course, if a 3rd party had been present he wouldn’t have gotten out of control. Because he COULD control himself. He would and still does hold to the lie that his anger was out of his control. In reality, his anger was how he controlled me.
I am so glad to be away from him, but still so angry at the wasted years and the damage done to my children. I stayed in an abusive, insane situation because of misguided clergy who would insist that children need both parents, divorce is against God, and any marriage could be “healed.” In counseling with trained professional counselors it was always a “takes two to tango” kind of thing. You would think that they would be aware of the sociopathic personality that just might possibly be causing all the conflict to keep the partner off guard and under their control. There is absolutely nothing that a spouse of a sociopath can do to help heal a relationship. There is no relationship. It is a lie from the beginning.
Thank you for this site. Only those who have experienced the madness first hand can possibly understand what we’ve been through. This is how we heal by sharing our stories. Heed those red flags and listen to your intuition and then run away.
Hi and welcome to the site. I agree with you, that unless you have been there, there is no way to possibly comprehend how it feels. Welcome to the site. I think that you deserve a medal for surviving what must have been a very long 38 years. How are you doing today?
I witnessesd this too in him. Just like you describe it here..! Very eerie. .
I witnessed his face draining of colour too..I almost fell down on stairs, going up, he was already standing at the top looking down at/on me! I called it “face dropper” for a long time afterwards to when explaining it to my mum and eldest son! I was so shocked!! Then the double whammy when it hit at almost the same time to finally realise that my mum is a malignant narcissist. Just like my ex. Thats why she she knew what he was when she 1st saw him. And warned me off him. My mum has smirked and told me to kill myself numerous times when I was in extreme emotional pain!!! My mum had the colour drain from her face her eyes dark black just staring @ me in her front room. Trying to hypnotise me. When I looked @ her she looked away..she wanted rid of me TOTALLY at this point, because my eldest son was already living with her after she stole him by brainwashing him to do so..and she must of felt like she was losing control because hey presto, I was still around. She got my son. And she wanted me gone. You see she never wanted me. And I felt it all along. Please God im praying for a miracle. Let them finally get their comeuppance. They truly deserve it!! They hurt abuse maim control others for the sheer thrill. My ‘mother’ even tells me she does this. She is evil. She controlled my dad for almost 30 years. That in all that time she forbade him from travelling back 2 his birth country to see relatives. Even he came from a narcissistic family. But most of the bad peeps had died. It was mainly siblings left. Anyway she didn’t want him to have freedom. She had to brainwashing and controlling to do. And for that you need close proximity. And my dad always used to say familiarity breeds contempt! Plus she didnt want him seeing another lifestyle & people influencing him. Because even I know his work colleagues tried to warn him bout my mum. But he was in denial. And she soon stopped them but cleverly always being around him at work a few times for them to get msg. So anytime after that and he was on his own they knew he was too far gone. Under her thumb. But they were always friends with him @ work. But they knew what she was.
I have just left a man that fits this profile. I am having a hard time dealing with everything.What hurt the most is that I have been waiting for an apology,but it won’t come. Yesterday he denied the yelling and anger. I am not dealing well at all. I need support.
I have just realised i am dealing with someone like this
It all began so well
Attentive charming funny told me he’d never met anyone quite like me
Showered me with gifts & attention
But then
The same behaviour – Rants & rages, punching furniture, the wall
Telling anyone who questions his behaviour to “go fuk themselves!”
The silent treatment that can last a whole week and often i am at a loss to what has caused this over reaction
Now Insisting i pay for everything, as hes “spent enough” and pressurising me to spend on my credit cards things i dont need, or cant reall afford
Belittling me , criticising my choice of clothes
Raging at my children for not tidying up all the time
A tea cup or toast crumbs on the counter can set him off cussing at them & banging doors
But later when the calm charming man resurfaces – denies he did anything or said such & such
Its exhausting & demoralising
Hi Ms Scott, sounds like you are in a very bad situation. Particularly as you have children. Aside from risk of violence to you and your children, please go careful of the pressurising you to spend money on your credit card for things that you do not need. This is deliberate to get you into debt, to make your life spiral out of control, to build dependency on him. Only for him to walk, and leave you picking up the pieces. Where in the world are you?
I’m still reeling. I’m trying to make a new life but it’s hard to start over at my age. He stayed in the home and kept everything. I have no material possessions, no career, few friends. It’s one day at a time. Trying to rebuild some confidence.
Aw sending you a hug. You know you are better off with just a few friends you can trust than lots you can’t. Esp when splitting with a sociopath. At least with him out of your life you can focus on you and rebuilding. And — having a man in your life is not the be all and end all of everything (despite that people make it out that it is). You are worth more than that. Just take one day at a time. Try to focus on the healing you – do you have work to keep you occupied? Family around you? No matter what we do understand how you feel here – every one of us as we have all been at that point of devastation where everything was taken away from us.
To Free at Last, Sending u hugs, love, light. I know what its like, all the malignant anger that narcs, spaths have & false empathy. I hope u feel betta soon. I havg struggle 2day, anger, feelings of emptiness, regret at losing the boyfriend i had, when i met my ex & whether i’ll meet a nice man, have companion, soulful man 1 day. I recognise this is part of emotional healing, transformation, purged,felt, released some anger, sadness 2nite. Love & Light to all. Inspiring Reading your msgs, PR, Positiva Girl, very healing, enlightening. God bless all xx 🙂
Hey dragonfly, you know, I know you might want to focus on meeting a ‘nice man’, but how about meeting the nice beautiful YOU? It sounds like you are doing some work around splitting with the partner before the last one and regrets that you have about this?
Did you leave him for the sociopath? If you did, try not to give yourself a hard time. Sociopaths are very persuasive. they can talk you out of house and home. Persuade you of anything, you know they are that convincing. If the sociopath managed that, perhaps the one before just wasn’t the right one for you.
Maybe right not its ok that you are single, as I have found that when I go into relationships before I am fixed I meet more lessons in life. You cannot go far wrong by pouring the love into you.
I’ve been gone for two years too…after 25. He has lied, cheated and defrauded the system, and been way way too clever for me. I will sell my house this week…for exactly the debt that he left on it for me. I’m 48, and I will have no home, no savings, no super, no career, but a part-time job. I have 5 children, who he constantly tries to turn against me. 3 are still at home and dependent…we do the week on/week off thing. I am constantly anxious and in fear of what he is saying about me to them..luckily the girls (15 and 19) are completely on my side, they understand. Sadly the boys (17, 22 and 24) have issues with me, wont’ have a bar of my new partner, who is the love of my life, and after I have to leave this house, I don’t know how the three younger children will be able to come to me every second week anyway…I’ll probably be living with my mother. Meanwhile he’s in his $2 Million (unencumbered) mansion by the beach, on a huge income. Two years on, he still stalks, and badgers the children, and is governed by making sure he punishes me. He supposedly loves the children, but they are in turmoil..they WANT to love me…they don’t want to hear about our dirty laundry. But they are frightened of him…the mantra is “you know what Dad’s like, just do what he wants, it’s easier than putting up with the drama”.
I know it was right to leave him…I”m certainly not missing him (it was a huge relief when I finally left), but I am now wondering if I should have just stayed. My kids are unhappy, it kills me that I don’t have the relationship I should have with me sons (we were always very close), and the ex will never give up on seeking vengeance, revenge, and punishment, I have no money, no security…my partner is the one light in my life that has saved me…but for the first time I am questioning whether it is all worth it.
Janey the answer is within you. You left this man. He has a 2 million pound mansion and you are left with nothing. He cannot turn your children against you forever you only get one mother and one father. They cannot be replaced. I know where you are right now is incredibly difficult, but you are now on the right track and starting for you. As bleak and dire as it seems…. The best thing of all is that he can take no more from you. Try to stay strong and keep walking you are going in the right direction.
so true about the bulging eyes and tense atmosphere in rage land. my ex displayed all this… but one thing i found rather alarming was that it was like he was performing to an audience. he never actually looked at me when the rages came… he always seemed to be looking outward… looking back i think it was a sense of omnipotence he had about himself. as if the world was his stage, even in anger [which was frequent and the only open emotion he really ever displayed]. he was definitely a narcissist in this sense. so angry, so all becoming, so self important. still makes my stomach churn. a tantrum prone little boy in a grown up body.
My ex narc had the bulging eyes, red face, shouting, veins in throat standing out, rage, then he would apologise, hug me later on, like a switch turning off. Unstable emotions & he was a born again christian, but a tortured, unsettled man. i saw court documents that his ex wife had written on & had said he had bad temper too. He had 3 ex wives & gfs after. he was self important, wanted to be the centre of attention, didnt want me to watch tv or see gfs, was subtly isolating me from them by words to make me feel guilty
Hi Positiva Girl
thanks for your lovely uplifting msg, yes I left the boyfriend for the Narc in 2012. Yes i have some regrets. But the boyfriend lived 5 hours away, he didnt want to move closer to live near me & i didnt want to move closer to him, as have all my close friends, church & volunteer work, support system down here. He was very easy going and i could do anything i liked. We only saw each other every 3wks at the most. So maybe it wasnt meant to be. He has a girlfriend now who’s married & i did hint at getting back together & he prefers to be with her. So i guess it not meant to be. He loved me more as a friend, I sense & did back then too.
I am trying to get to know myself more & doing my fave activities & I am socialising a lot now with church & with old friends. I have a friend who used to date me 5 years ago, he prefers to be just friends now & i enjoy that too. He’s very social like me, & is not possessive at all. He has autism but that’s ok, he has a kind heart. We probably will catch up in Melb, once a mth. Its nice to have someone to talk to & he’s affectionate when we catch up. Said i’m special to him still. So that’s nice heartfelt. I had hypnotherapy to help me move on, let go of the past, it’s helping alot.
Love & light, Dragonfly
But why else should we live if not to express ourselves in the “Theater of Life”. Life, such as it is, is boring, dull, and overall uninteresting, but add just a touch of drama, and for some reason everyone LOVES it, why else would soap operas and other forms of drama even exist, were it not for the entertaining touch of conflict that it adds. The same touch of drama, if brought into real life, adds just the same amount of entertainment, but for some reason, most people don’t enjoy that as much, so most of the time, any form of bringing drama has to be done either discreetly, or made deliberately fake, such as with role-playing.
It might come as a surprise to you, but for most people, life is not a theatre (unless caught up in sociopathic drama). No, I did not love it, I found the constant drama exhausting. Conflict is certainly not entertaining, although appreciate it might be for you. It was hell for me on other side.
I have wondered in the past about my boyfriend having Asbergers because of his lack of affection and showing any emotions except anger and rage.
I am now reading all of these posts and I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach because this is him you are talking about. I’m sick because I had a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that he does not have a conscience. But he doesn’t. The rage, I call it blame rage because whenever I get upset with him about normal couples problems like, not buying me a birthday gift, or big issues like his constant lying, he would come at me like a mad dog. Blaming me, it was somehow always my fault. He doesn’t feel shame, guilt, remorse embarrassment, he doesn’t care at al what anyone thinks of him. Sex was robotic and over time became only about him. He is highly intelligent, a high IQ, but I always just thought because he was so smart he lacked social skills. But, over the 3 difficult years that I have loved him, he has abused me, mentally, emotionally and physically to the point that I have turned into a victim who continually protects him. I have lived in the worst fear over the last month that I became unglued and thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I have allowed this man to control me. I thought it was because of the drinking, I thought if he just quit drinking it would stop. But, he does these things when he is sober too. The last straw was last week when he threw me down the stairs, and dragged me outside in the snow. He went insane because I accused him about lying about where he had been. He had denied cheating when I knew he had, the pathological lying and cheating was so bad. I feel like I have been brain washed. I finally went to the police and told them everything after years of living with this horrible abuse. I am still in fear and panic because he is going to come after me when he finds out what I did. I’ve tried to leave dozens of times but he is relentless and begs me to come back. He does not ever take no for an answer, ever.
Even as I am writing these words I can’t believe I have allowed this to happen to me. This is so helpful because now I know for sure he is never ever going to change. I finally have police protection.
Thank you for sharing your stories, this has been life changing reading your posts.
Hi Kristin, Yes i dont think he (your ex) had aspergers, he sounds like a narc or sociopath or BPD, or mix of all. I’m sorry this happened to you. Hopefully you’ve been able to establish no contact & can be your own person, look after & take care of you first, & have more energy, as they drain our energy don’t they. they’re like emotional vampires lol. I hope ur feeling better now. I’ve done 1mth no contact, for the 6 or 7th time. I’ve learnt my lesson, can never go back. He always had to be right, & was arrogant, it was all about him.
Love, light, Dragonfly
kristen.. i feel everything you talked about. i swear somedays im going insane. this man had such a grip on me and how he felt about me.. well i defined myself by it. i got so afraid of not obeying him that i was too scared of going anywhere without his ok. if i even made random conversation with a stranger, i would be called a whore..etc. i had no friends and if i did go anywhere.. i was always thinking i was being watched. its been a long hard week and im barely getting by it seems. i went out tonight to a local place..got up the courage just to go out of the house. i was there maybe 10 minutes, sat at the bar and ordered a drink. he came out of nowhere so fast and started yelling at me in my face about how perfect i was for the guy sitting next to me..someone i hadnt even spoke to. i was terrified to even get up. i waited an hour.. got up to leave and went outside…30 seconds later drives up in someone elses car and starts yelling again.. then txts me and says im dead to him and hes changing his phone number. and through all this, i keep wondering what i did wrong. its so terribly confusing..and i dont know how to feel.
It’s awful isn’t it? Walking on eggshells because the person you love berates you for doing normal day to day things. You do not deserve this treatment. You should be allowed to go order a drink, or hangout with people without him being all over you. I read your post and I honestly can say it scares me. It sounds like we were dating the same person. I could never go out without him constantly texting me, swearing at me and belittling me for being without him. My friends hated him, I stopped going out with them. They all told me I was his little puppet on the end of his tight strings. It’s an awful feeling, and you start to feel like you need to stop so you can make him happy.
This is wrong. You are your own person, you are allowed to have freedoms and little joys in life. Never let someone put you down because of their own insecurities. You deserve MORE than this! You deserve someone who is going to tell you to have a blast, or even better, join you later on if you’d like and make the evening even more fun for you. You are beautiful inside and out, and never let anyone tell you differently no matter how hard it may seem! You are not alone on this, there are many people here to help. The faster you get out, the faster you can save your sanity!
As I go through and read every single different section on this website, it opens my eyes more and more to help me realize what I’ve just been put through. I’m guessing the narcissistic rage becomes worse as time goes on, because within the last few months of our relationship it was HORRIBLE.
I just thought he was bipolar. I thought his mood swings were something different, I never realized it was to control me. I remember asking him to come to the mall with me to help me pick out my last items for my Halloween costume (he refused to go to the party, but since I go every year I wasn’t going to not go!). As I was looking for my size, and they had none of mine left, he randomly outburst into this angry sigh, STORMED out of the store, ignoring me as I tried to call his name wondering what happened. When I finally caught up to him, asked him what was wrong, he told me I had to stop causing a scene, that he wanted me to leave him alone, and that he didn’t want to be in that “stupid fucking store any longer, it’s frustrating me.” When I told him he was being a child with this temper tantrum, he tried to leave me behind in the mall, telling me to get my own ride home, locking me out of his car and telling me we should break up. Like…. what? After a screaming match he went back to normal, basically blamed it on how I reacted to his outburst, and then things were fine. I always wondered WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM!? And why he was doing this to me?
One time we were on our way to Ikea, and I got a call from a girl friend in the car. We spoke for 10 minutes on the drive. He became so ANGRY with me, that once we arrived at the store, he stormed out and told me he didn’t want to be here with me. We ended up leaving. His excuse, “well why don’t you go hangout with her instead since you’d way rather talk to her than me.”
This happened constantly. It drove me insane and these outbursts started to seriously take such a negative effect on my self esteem and mental health. It is crazy to realize what they really were. How horrible that anyone would want to behave in such a way.
Scary, sounds like my ex too, we had arguments in the car, I used to turn my phone off, & the ringer off my home phone when he was here, i felt threatened, wanted to avoid conflict, his anger about me gettg sms’s or phone calls. He would say i should go back to my ex before him or he would give me one of his friends address, when he was in a jealous tantrum, rage. I pray we all do no contact, for good. Heal our emotions, souls, our hearts. Love, light to all
Hi there Positiva, PR,
I am hanging in there, but have had strong cravings to see my ex, why is that, after all 3mths has passed. I think i am missing the intimacy as I think that was the best thing in our Rship, inbetween the rages, anger, gas lighting, manipulation, guilt trips etc. He didnt act controlling or angry in the bedroom, his kinder side showed then. I get images in my mind of him, us, was very powerful, yearning, longing, last week & these feelings, images from?/of him, has got in the way of my new Rship. I realise i went into new Rship not fully healed nor over my ex. I have slowed it down to be more platonic now. I know its Narcissm, sociopath, Ex cannot change his behaviour, but missing part of him. I dont ring or contact him now, but did have occasional distant contact. I have replied to his occasional sms’s with politeness, god bless you. He did try to ring me 2 wks ago. I said i’m uncomfortable to talk to him. He seems to respects that at least & has not tried to ring me again.
When he called you two weeks ago, this can get your thoughts thinking. The fact that he is respecting your space and not hassling you can confuse you. It can also feel like rejection and make you question your own mind did you get it right now he is being respectful? To overcome this and strengthen you it’s a good idea to write a list. Write a list why you went no contact. Read the post looking at the relationship through rose coloured glasses.
Dragonfly,
Please, please don’t have contact. Let me tell you why.
I am going to be brutally honest because sometimes we need to be reminded that these guys have no conscience. They have no capacity for love, respect, or any kind of remorse.
Trust me when I tell you, he is and has been with many women, making them feel just like you are describing. He is only concerned with self pleasure, self gratification and his own selfish needs. He will use any woman willing to please him, and feel absolutely no guilt about it. He can’t, his brain doesn’t allow him to feel anything but self centered pleasures. As painful as this is to hear, it’s so much worse to go on hoping and believing that you are important enough to change him. That you are different than the others. I was on that roller coaster for 3 1/2 years and I do believe that I was his favorite, but how sick is that!! We tolerate such
Demeaning behavior because we become addicted to them. He is incapable of ever being faithful, because his world is all about the next exciting pleasurable experience. They only come back when they are lonely and tired or angry because of the loss of control over you. He will never ever change, it’s not possible to will yourself a conscience, and honestly they enjoy not having to feel what the rest of us feel in regards to hurting another human being. Try to remember, it’s not you, your a wonderful woman, it’s him. He cannot and will not change.
I can also tell you that the violence always escalates. I now have police protection, for what that’s worth. I only say that because a Soc isn’t usually afraid if anyone. But, it helps knowing that it is there and reports have been filed. Just like with their sexual appetites, there need to control becomes outrageous and frightening.
I continued to ask myself why, why is he doing this to me. It’s like trying to reason or make sense of an insane persons behavior. Please just try to remember, that they cannot and will not change. Their brains are wired differently. It nearly killed me, and it’s nothing short of a miracle that I got out alive. That being said, he still lurks now and then just to make his presence known. The one thing they hate the most is to lose, and to lose control.
I’m 2 weeks no contact , it’s pure hell !! I only found out he was sociopath 2 weeks ago , we’d not long had our first wedding anniversary big white wedding , I thought he was Christian too , and yeah all the love bombing, controlling , multiple texting , trying to alienate me but he never spoke bad to me always elevating me , very attentive , there was physical abuse but we tried to work it through with church / counselling , and it was rare and just pushing around not hitting but I still wasn’t going to put up with that , came to crunch 6 weeks ago when I found he’s been lying about buying something and it arrived he pretended it was for me but he’d actually needed it for our allotment , I couldn’t speak to him for the rest of day and despite his attempts to ring and text me I ignored him and had good day out with my sons . This triggered the worst backlash I had seen ended up getting drunk pushing me around and then after I locked him out started kicking the door in police called , calm when they arrived until I opened door and he barged past me got pepper sprayed and taken to station. I still didn’t know he was siciopath and even with bail restrictions started seeing him again but wouldn’t have him home till he got councelling and I seen a change which he agreed to and ended up sleeping at work , we started dating again spending weekends together , all this while waiting for police to charge him , I retracted under his manipulation . Week before his date to go back to station he was babysitting my 9 year old son , when I got back he’d bathed and smelling of aftershave , had to go back to work for stock check , in my spirit I began realising my worst fear, I decided to do bit of checking re phone bill as second phone of his in my name and that’s when the real hell of finding out this double life he had began . I confronted him re dating sites , countless numbers which I rang and spoke to several women , he still denied , ten I found these sites and discovered he never really loved me , is pathological liar , cheat , it took me week but then blocked him , I retracted my retraction much to his shock and his trip to police station ended up in him getting remanded !! When he found out i given texts to show he’d manipulated my retraction , police said he had to be taken to hospital ?? Why but ended up staying the night on police guard. He was then blue lighted to appear In court following day and was given no bail and remanded in prison for a week! I’ve since gone to his work where he’s duped them and been stealing from there, got my keys and his phone back from there , he’s left with no transport , suspended from work , I’ve told his family who want nothing to do with him , little money and has had bail and think staying at address 30 miles away probably with some poor victim he’s picked up . He had bail conditions not to come to this county , after reading all different stories I feel that what I have done is discarded him before he was ready , totally messed his plans up and he hadn’t been able to contact me now for whole week . I’ve heard nothing from him since he’s been bailed 3 days ago , he’s suspended from work pending investigation , question is am I safe ? How many buttons have I pushed ? Why do I feel so bad that he’s not contacted me and hurt he’s with another woman already even though I don’t want him , coz the man I thought I had doesn’t exist ?? Help !!!! X
Hi Caz,
I’m sorry for what you going thru. They make u feel addicted to them, dependant on them by going into rages, changes of mood from love bombing you to going cold, jealousy fits, anger, mind games, guilt trips on you, manipulation & try to isolate you from friends, family especially if the friends, family can see thru them & try to help you to get away from them. Thats why you feel sad, hurt, despite the abuse he put you thru, its literally an addiction for me, its like craving for cigarettes, or Drugs eg: heroin, ice, not that i’ve taken drugs nor am a smoker. Having no contact is very difficult, like withdrawing from a drug, thats what its like for me. I know, its hard.
I have gone back to my ex narc, too many times, in the past, after feeling lonely, we have telepathic link which doesnt help. This time i think, pray the telepathic link, soul tie has been broken. Had alot of prayer & Thought Field Therapy (Tapping) helping me move forward, feeling less upset this time. We dont have kids or financial committments or marriage, divorce proceedings or court orders. He wasnt physically violent but this time i challenged him on his anger, jealousy issues & he did grab me a few times by the shoulder, grabbed my wrist.
After our recent split, i rang a close friend of his who revealed secrets he kept from me, despite criticising me for my past, he couldnt accept it. She said he was angry, very violent in all of his marriages, & would change for the worse after he gave engagement ring to the lady. She said i was better off without him & said to praise god, if he leaves me alone for good. She want our conversation kept to myself as doesnt want to lose his friendship. He has taken her off pedestal as he knows she gave me advice before, it was on facebook unfortunately, in public view.
If you can do it, please move away from his area & start life afresh, a new chapter. Try to join social activities to meet new decent people, potential friends. Do a craft or art course or study to focus on something. Do things for yourself, return to your hobbies, interests, contact old friends, family. Keep police protection for yourself. I”m also 2 wks split up from him. He initiated it, as i did try to work things out, for both our sakes. Love is blind, i thought he did love me, as he told my friend who tried to help us reconcile. We were arguing every 2nd day. What a waste of energy. Trying to keep no contact, day by day. I did send him a closure, goodbye letter. I hope that ends it.
God bless all
Gosh, I’ve just reread this after five months away from the SP and the rage you describe is exactly what happened with mine when I confronted him about his three bankruptcies. It’s exactly the way I described it to friends. Total meltdown, screaming and the nearest thing to insanity I have ever seen. Then as suddenly as it started, it stopped, like nothing had happened and the old smiling charmer reappeared. I questioned my own version of events for months because I thought I had imagined it all. That nobody could be so crazy out of the blue and snap out of it like nothing had happened. To think, I apologized for upsetting him at the time and begged for forgiveness. It’s been a long road to recovery after being emotionally crushed. Positiva, all you say is true. Thank you
Thank you Poppy – and what I found alarming was the draining of the colour from the face, and the blackening of the eyes…. just dead. Then afterwards to recompose as if nothing had happened. It is really scary.
Yes, I’ll never forget it. The face was totally callous and the eyes did stand out – totally cold and black. I have never experienced such contempt and disdain. I remember feeling terribly thirsty and asked for some water (which he normally would have brought out to me in a glass) and he pointed at a bundle of bottles on the garage floor, saying “there” as if I was a dog being shown food. I did nothing wrong, yet was made to feel like a criminal. Pity I deleted his SMS banning me from coming to the house to collect my mother’s boxes because I could have posted it as an example of an SP’s pomposity and threatening tone when they are exposed. It might as well have been an eviction notice from the local court. Scary.
I lived ths same mental abuse for 5 yrs. it drove me to hell and back I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. He lied cheated and blamed me for everything. It was never him. He is controlling and manipulative and did the whole charm thing too.I did become addicted to it. It was hard to finally get away. I’m so happy to not have to feel like I need to prove my truth to him anymore. He was the one lying all the time and his own guilt led him to believe that it was me all the time. So happy to be away from his cntrol. He still emails me, it is his only means of getting thru to me. I have him blocked every way possible. He used to buy my love and say he did so much for me. That I never appreciated, I appreciated everything and wanted to marry this man But thankful it never came to that. I was engaged and he cheated on me. So I left him and it took a yr and half to finally get rid of him. Blessed to lve myself and family enough to leave.
The rage is extremely frightening, made me freeze inside & feel sick. There was no logic or explanation other than he ‘couldn’t remember’ despite blaming me for a comment I’d made a month prior to it.
Reflecting on this relationship & malignant narccist personality disorder is the truth I needed to spare myself.
He was controlling but it was extremely subtle, hints about my hair colour, hints about how should dress, innuendo and age jokes were a constant one sided feature.
Quietly spoken, wealthy, seemed almost child like until the rage arrived. Once the line was crossed he raged on a regular basis until I left. The final rage was psychotic & I felt raped alone and cornered.
Hoovering has continued over two years but hopefully he has found new sources & admirers. Impossible to get any truth out of him & not worth contracting his flaky excuses. Most frightening experience in my life.
Hey Louise, welcome to the site. Yes, the narcissistic rage also scared me too. It has taken me years to rebuild and pick up the pieces. It left me a nervous wreck as that is how it felt being with him, always on guard, waiting for what would happen next. Always engineered deliberately to get an emotion from me. I took some time away from him the other year then saw him again, and it was clear after time apart how he would say those little sentences to keep me under control and constantly doubting myself. I hope you are on the way to good recovery.
Just wanted to share my experience. I was with a female sociopath for 10 years. I knew she was “different” but my penis really liked her, that sounds crass but I don’t know how else to explain it. I only looked into what I was dealing with when she took off with our 2 sons and filled out a restraining order full of lies. The judge granted it, not because it was true but as a lawyer explained “If the judge granted the order and you do something stupid, he’s covered. If he doesn’t grant it and you do something he won’t get re elected” . The same lawyer said he didn’t think I would ever get custody of the kids. Well I found that totally unacceptable and never hired an attorney. Instead I hired a child evaluator and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist interviewed me and told me there is a “risk evaluation” test he can give me but, the bad news is the results go to the judge either way. Well I know me pretty well and said happily “bring it” I was waaay far from being abusive. I had met a young lady at the park. She had her dog with her and I started playing with him while we talked and I was telling my woes she said “I was in an abusive relationship and if you had abusive tendency my dog would have nothing to do with you”. I asked, “can I take him to court?” But the psychiatric report was enough. The child evaluator said that about all we could hope for was reasonable visitation but when he tried to get her to meet she refused. In his report he stated he had spent enough time with me and the children together and could say with confidence that I am a good father. Right after court and for several months she would break the court order regarding her visitation, I had no phone contact when she had them, bringing them back late … EVERY time. It’s been 3 years ago and she still spends time with them but the B.S. ended. I tell people 2 things about the experience. 1st. The juice was worth the squeeze. 2nd. When she was behind me I felt like I could move mountains. When she turned on me, I felt like the mountain had been dropped on my head.
Hi Roy, welcome. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds as if you have been through a very tough time. Good to see that you are coming the other side.
I wanted to warn everyone about something. Non verbal rage. After moving in for 6 months we went to Florida to visit his elderly parents. We took my 12 yr old daughter with us. Of course we took my car as to not put mileage on his. I brought up that I had a guardianship in place to care for my daughter in case something happened to me and it was my best friend as guardian. Well my ex. B. Went into a full blown rage and demanded to get out of the car. He wanted to be her guardian
And he wanted to adopt her. When we got to his parents I told them. His 90 year old father asked him to promise to never rage again. And he didn’t verbally but he would go into a rage nonverbally from then on. Clenching his teeth. Monstrous eyes abs slow tone. Body language straight and closed off. Back erect. Like a different person. My therapist said that is rage also bubbling under the skin
Yes all sociopaths do this. You do not have to see it verbally. If he can contain it he has not lost control. The rage is within. Not always displayed externally.
Soooo…… What’s the deal with men being singled out as the “sociopaths”? I’m a man who has suffered this abuse for over 7 years. Now my son is going to be raised my this woman, whom was raised by her narcissistic and sociopathic mother. Furthermore, given the nature of their manipulative strategy, aren’t any of you concerned that it’s quite possible that the majority of the people on this forum are these “narcissists” being an active part of this to throw others off of their trail? The need for special terms to describe others behavior, their way of making everything a circular sort of argument. Seriously, think about it, a sociopathic narcissist points “his” finger at the other, projects his own self onto them and makes them the bad guy… ok, so two people are punting fingers at eachother by this point. So who’s really the sociopathic “one”? Much of the time, only they know the answer and there is no possible way to prove it most of the time. This whole site reeks of exactly what it speaks out against. A narcissists safe haven, anonymous playground, and library. Another source for them to stay ahead of the game with all the new info and stories so they can relate to their subjects more seamlessly. Watch your back, they’re everywhere and they even work together.
Hi Positivagirl. I’ve been no contact for four months but someone has been stalking me online again all four months. It must be my narc hoovering because he’s done it before, the timing is too coincidental, and it’s on my work profile, which is of interest to him because of a new project I told him about the last time we saw each other. The other interesting thing is that I can see when my profile has been visited and he knows this. He is sending me a message.
That has been in the back of my mind and now the clock is ticking. He thinks I’m returning in December to the city we both live in. But I am back now, though he doesn’t know it. I’m beginning to get anxious because December will soon be here and he has resurfaced before after I’ve been sure it was over. The last time that happened also resulted first in online stalking and pretending as if nothing had happened.
I’ve realized that I am afraid. Of him? Why? These questions led me to read about rage. Last year around this time he had his first narc rage with me. It was brief but the switch from cool, calm and collected to cold and aggressive (over condoms, mind you) was so quick and so deep that I was astonished and took a step back (figuratively, as it was over email). It happened again when we had our final blow up – he suddenly switched personalities and raged at me (again over email). I stood my ground but again it startled me.
At other times, he has disappeared (silent treatment) when I’ve been critical of him – I mean really critical – like telling him he’s a control freak or abusive or unable to feel pain. But all of this has always been over email. In real life, we have never argued, and I’ve only seen him startle, freeze and then regain control (once after he lied about one of his lies and realized his mistake).
I think what these episodes have in common is that they all have happened when I’ve started to unmask him either by pointing something out, asking a question, or asserting myself and challenging his authority. I think I am realizing that he has this mask on all the time, and while I thought I was providing a safe space for him to relax and take it off, he doesn’t want to/can’t. Every time I pulled at a corner of it or he would let his guard down, he would rage, withdraw or give me the silent treatment. Sometimes he’d do these things even with no obvious trigger. My whole flight or fight thing, my severe anxiety – is this fear that he will rage/be cold/disappear. I’ve told him this but without mentioning his actual anger/rage/coldness.
He’s never been physically violent. It is all psychological. But anticipating it makes me fear being around him. Yet I also fear that I will lose resolve because with the mask on when he is composed he is actually pretty sweet. And with December rolling around and the incessant stalking, no contact might break down.
Would like to know what you think. Does this make sense? I’ve never been so sensitive that I can’t give as good as I get, but in this case I can’t. Also, I’ve never been afraid of anyone in quite the way I am of him.