@lanalana5
Thank you for your insight. Your words so accuratemy describe where I am in this healing process and my intense feelings of grief. Letting go of him is tearing me a part but it really is just a continuation of the emotional torture of being in a relationship with him. I realized last night that although he continues to contact me he has de-personalized me. His messages are only about him and he never asks about me, my life or well-being. In fact when I pressed recently he irrately retorted that he wouldn’t answer my questions nor would he ask me any. This movie that plays over and over in my head skips all the painful parts and pauses on the times I found myself living the fairytale. I know I have obsessive thinking and complicated grief and that I need to get out of my head. I know he will use me as long as I let him….and yet like you said I cling to any piece of the wreckage in deluded hope he will want me and affirm that I am loveable.I have come to believe that is why he witheld words of love, it was his tool to get me to try harder and give him more attention and be what he wanted. He knew and knows how desperately I wanted his love. Writing this and knowing this makes me sick and ache with such sadness. I thought about no contact all night long….about blocking him and deleting him. My enmeshment in his life, they way he added me to so many accounts and forums makes this seem overwhelming. I also have relationships with his children and other relatives as well as professional colleagues. I am overwhelmed at the task of no contact….but I know I must begin to do it.
Thanks again for listening. It helps to get this out of my head. I wish you well in journey too!
@Healing Heart
You will get through this – just keep remembering the bad parts. Emotionally vulnerable people are a bit obsessive, I recognise that in myself, but from your words I can’t see what there is to love about this man. I think I was consumed with lust for my SP for decades – maybe it is the same for you. He is a narcissist so any attention will gratify him, even if he pretends to be annoyed by your persistence. People used to say to me – “walk away” but I just couldn’t do it. I studied counselling and discovered that my own psychological state contributed to my masochistic need for him. Maybe it is the same for you – stick with your therapy, sometimes it takes a little while and light dawns slowly and almost imperceptibly. I wonder whether you should keep contact with his relations? They probably have no idea what he is really like. That could be confusing for you. I have received so much sentimental hogwash from my SP’s family this Christmas, it just made me cross. He died last July, but they are trying to paint him as almost saintly when in truth he was completely amoral. I haven’t replied to any of their cards or emails, I refuse to sentimentalise his memory. However, I have had moments wondering if I should engage with them because even now I miss him! It’s infuriating because I know he was “no good”. So, I understand how very hard it is for you, I really do, please give it time, please try to be strong for your own sake, and your own sanity. Thinking of you, Lana.
@Lana
Your insights truly help. I do struggle with my sexual attraction to him…I’ve felt it for decades too. Mostly I grieve everything we did together and all the places I now go without him. I realized today that I almost if not really have a PTSD response when I am somewhere we used to go together…i get sick to my stomach and sweaty. I recently learned he was going to this place we used to hang out at with his new woman…and I cried and cried. Everything he ever told me was a lie because he always said he never went back to place with a new person that he had been with his ex. I believed in him with all my being. Looking back now I don’t know why? Things like this roll thru my mind all day long and I fight every minute to push the thoughts away. I have to get past this and I know that means stopping contact with him. It’s not even positive contact because he seems so disinterested in me and that makes me not only feel pathetic but rejected all over again. You are right about so many things and it helps so much to know I am not alone. I feel so alone so much of the time and was starting to think i was the biggest failure.
@Healing
Please…stop.
Stop seeing what he is not.
Stop seeing yourself as a failure.
Stop lpoking at his whereabouts. And please start the no contact. NO CONTACT IS THE ANSWER FOR HEALING.
I’m so sorry you are going through all this and please post on here and we can talk.
Yeah I’m getting better but still struggle with nc. But whilst he responded initially, he is starting to ignore me now. Which hurts a lot!!!
So today is day 7 of my latest nc effort and I’m determined to get to 30 before I consider how I feel.
We were friends and I’d like to stay friends.
But then I tell myself what sort if ‘friend’ lies to you about his name – for 4 years!!! I can explain that behaviour by saying he never wanted to lose me or have me think badly if him.
But then he broke up with me many times and I pleaded my way back – so why not just stay broken up and had never have to tell me his name?
Also he was on countless dating sites, never cared about my life or job…. Great ‘friend’ huh?!!!
But it’s January now and I still wake up most mornings with ‘why’??? I was a great gf to him!!
But it started as an affair, and his wife found out including my name and photo from internet (he told me they were separated!! And he never told me his wife found out all that stuff- I found that out through other person).
So I think deep down he thought ‘we’ never had a future as his family, ex and daughter would skin him alive if he introduced me as his new gf. But he told me every day that we had a future. So he was very ok with walking away and starting a life with a fresh face, and I was gutted as his ultimate lie was realised (he never saw a future fir us).
But could I have lived like that? I knew he was lying from 2 yrs in – so why did I put up with that? I don’t from ANYONE else!!! Why did I not only put up with it, but tolerated it, let it continue
.. Why?
That’s the real question.
Healing, we are all in the same boat here every day so pls feel free to write xx
Yes I know exactly what you mean!!! I have tried to force myself to get to all the places we went to… Without him. It’s awful!!!
I wonder if he feels it too or was I really that easy (and relieving) to throw away.
Hes a creature of habit and I know he’s taking the new gf to the same places – he’s not very imaginative. It hurts soooo much!! He’s even taken her to meet family which I never ever did!!! And he holds her hand in public – never would with me!!! Again because it started as an affair (unknown to me). And he was terrified people woukd see us together.
God I’m feeling it today.
But have to say the last two days I was very busy and hardly thought of him!! That may be the key!
Yes our stories are similar. Particularly where yiu say that when yiu were with him…YOU WERE MISERABLE THE WHOLE TIME!!
I was like that too – even plotting how to end it without actually saying the words.
So miserable with them (and being lied to, disrespected, cheated on, manipulated, used) vs being miserable without them (but being dignified, unreachable, the one they always think about).
Let him lie to someone else for a while – we need a break 🙂
Oddly I was misersle am the time. He was never satisfied. He always demanded more time, more attention, more pampering, more understanding, more affirmation. I was exhausted. When I first moved out I slept an entire weekend. When we lived together I looked forward to him traveling so I could have space and some quiet…well in the hours he didn’t text constantly. He said he didn’t love me but he was insanely jealous and asked repeatedly and regularly if I was talking to anyone or interested in anyone. Good grief, when would I have had time!! I have since leatef that was his projection of what he was doing.
I have made lists of the negatives and I worked hard at ignoring those things when we were together or I would actually tell myself those things were endearing…yes I had it bad for him. Retraining my brain is excruciating…to see him for who He really is pains me because it means letting him go. Never having the fairytale ending. But like you I must begin to enviosion a new future for myself…a future without him. A healthier me. A more peaceful and contented life. It will take a lot of work…and strength.
Yes! I remember when we split I slept for weeks. I was so tired. It was as u say someone who wanted more and more. Never satisfied. It burned me out too. Made me feel numb and switched off.
Just learned things aren’t going so well for my ex…Is it wrong to feel “good” about this??? I have hardly slept because of nightmares related to him and his new woman and when I heard this I actually felt “relief.” Its not like me to have hateful feelings like that, but somehow its confirming???
No it’s not wrong at all. We all like to know that karma is served. Better though is that you give zero energy to it. Otherwise next thing he will be suckering you in with pity play. They are good at doing that. PLEASE don’t hold out hope that as its not going well he will come back, as you will only just delay your own life. I wasted years that I can never get back. its not worth that. You feel how you want. Hatred and anger is a part of the 5 steps of healing – 1. is that fog of confusion, 2. Is bargaining you want them back – 3. Is anger – just anger – you are further along this process than you think you are. Well done you can do this!! …. just please don’t feel relief as you want him back, please as the cycle just begins again.
I would feel the same – it’s hard to think someone else may bit be getting all the lies and bs we got (my exSP has at least told his new gf his real name which makes me so jealous it’s unreal)
But leopards don’t change their spots and as positiva will tell you… They just make some other woman miserable and destroy her self esteem in the process…. They never change
No you are right joelene they never change. Even if they think they can patterns always revert back to type.
I know exactly what your going through. I haven’t posted here in the past year however my ex whom I dated for 6 years was a socio path and upon finding out it has been very difficult to come to realize that everything we had was fake. Until now it just kills me to think that everything he said was a lie, I thought he was the one and we were meant to be together. With my sociopath most of the experience had to do with him using me to get what he wants, and when he finished everything he needed from me he moved on to someone new, this killed me. Thats why I know what your going through. I know that it is relieving to hear they aren’t doing well. I would cyber stalk my ex and his girlfriend all the time and be so happy when I would see that they are broken up or not well. Which was weird, because why would I want him back? It also killed me because like you said he treated her better than me in some ways, but I realized that this ONLY because she required him too. We didn’t require our sociopaths to treat us a certain way so they didn’t, and believe me they will do whatever it takes to get your trust while they are using you. My sociopath went to great lengths on multiple occasions just to prove to me he is saying the truth just to get what he wants. After several years and especially after finding out he is a sociopath I learned to realize when he is lying but for some reason it doesn’t help. I just tend to tell myself to forget about it, and convince myself that deep down somewhere he really cares about me since he keeps coming back to me even after his ex, but stupid me, its obvious he is just using me as his back up, or else he would have been there for me throughout the years when i needed him. He would go through phases of ignoring me for months like I didn’t exist. He would also when he was with his girlfriend go to lengths to prove to her he wasn’t with me anymore, by calling me and putting me on speaker phone and making a fool out of me by calling me a liar and swearing at me saying the most nasty things possible. Some things so bad that I would never speak to someone if they treated me like that ever, but every time I pick up the phone and talk to him after for some reason I will be full of hate but then I will forget about it every time, thats why I strongly believe that no contact is the only and best way to deal with this, it doesn’t work any other way believe me, they will suck you right back in no matter what, and as much as we know how evil they are and how much they are using us they still manage to get us sucked back into their schemes and lies and just waste yet more time from us and to them its all a game. Its just so disgusting to think about thats why I always tell myself, no he isn’t a sociopath, he just has some attachment issues and so on, but every time he leaves I see all the signs loud and clear I just don’t see it while with him. I also tend to think well we can just be friends and I’m strong enough now and been through enough with him to not let him use me and get to me again, but BELIEVE ME, IT DOESN’T WORK! I go back to stage 1 every time he leaves, the miserable depressed stage. And as bad as I thought it hurt when I wasn’t seeing him its not as close to how bad it is when I go back to seeing him and get thrown away again.
Hi i am new to the site! Me and my boyfriend split up 10 days ago! Since the beginning i thought there was smth wrong with him! I supported him for 1 year and half with money, put me on dept of 7 thousand pounds, lied to me all the time, hit me, hurt me emotionally and every time i was telling him to break up he use to come back and beg me to give him another chance! I did stay to long and put up with this but i done it because i loved and wanted to change him for better: Nearly at the end of the relationship he cheated on me and got her pregnant. I broke up with him and he is still with her: I am going through so much hurt and I cry every single day about what that person made me go through! I never thought he can be a Sociopath I knew he was wrong cos he was on drugs as well for the whole time so i thought drugs would make him this way! I dont know what to do anymore apart from let go and continue my life!
Hi Suki, a huge welcome to the site!! 🙂 How that must hurt, what a total douche bag – ugh. I understand how it felt for me, to do everything I could, to try and help support and finance someone, and for what? He throws it back in your face. You know that you deserve so much better, and I hope that you know that she will have it much worse than you being tied with a child. It might not seem like it right now, but you have the better deal. She has no prize!! I know its the hurt, the betrayal, that really does hurt, like being stabbed in the heart and the back at the same time. yes, letting go is the ebst thing to do! 🙂
My heart is still trying to convince my head that I can be friends with him again one day…as much as I miss him I also know I am breathing easier and am less stressed in general. But the fantasy is still there, the fairytale I made up about him and me. And while he has sent me messages and called a couple times he has never yet asked to see me again or suggested we get back together, but he is with his new lover. I have had some heartbreaking insights lately about me and how this happened and my role in this..starting with my inability to set healthy boundaries for myself and protect my heart. I have beautiful people in my life and yet I find myself attracted to this man beyond everything and everyone else. The task of retraining my heart and brain seems overwhelming….but i must. Talking with you all and hearing your stories help so,much! Thank you.
You can’t be friends with him full stop. You are still thinking that he thinks the same as most normal people want to be amicable with their exs. I tried to be friends with the sociopath especially after his parents died and he was diagnosed with cancer. I felt sorry for him, let me tell u the good it did me. He wrote letters to my job exposing some of my less than proud of moments when I was in my 20s, he told me he would kill himself and then I discovered he was not with cancer it was all lies to drag me back in, I actually doubt whether his parents have died, I got sad I got angry I could not compete because I am normal and he has no conscience at all. Every time I tried to be friends he just accused me of faking my feelings and accused me of sleeping with anyone who was around me. This man lost me my job during our trying to be friends period. Now I have a harassment order against him and it’s the best thing I ever did. Am I bit lonely? Yes I am but u know what I would rather live in a cave than go through this again. I wish I’d have found this website 8 months ago when we split up as I would have saved myself so much grief. Be strong sister and block him from your life. I feel sorry for my ex cos he’s clearly ill but I feel sorry for me more so xxx
You don’t miss your sociopath. You miss the illusion. Who you thought he was and the relationship you had didn’t exist…and continued contact or awareness of his existence is only going to cause you more pain and stress….
I have to keep reminding myself of this….the man I am deeply in love with is an illusion. I repeat it over and over. The tears come without warning and I have this belly ache that just doesn’t got away. I’ve been reading on this website the post about recovering from the sociopath and the Soul wound soothing information makes so much sense to me. I have endured great loss in my life but this breakup has brought me to my knees in a way I have never experienced before. I believe he did soothe my soul wound, of course for his benefit but now I grieve the loss of that soothing. I must remember his soul soothing never lasted and was always followed with re-inflicting the wound I have bore since my childhood….rejection. I now understand more and I am trying to get my head and heart to connect. I need to find ways to soothe my own soul wound and in that heal from him. I am not there, I have a long way to go. Right ow I am so vulnerable and I know it…any contact from him would reel me in and wound me all over again. The man I loved is a master illusionist that threw me away when he thought he could no longer control me and needed a new supply. End of story.
💖💖💖💖 i know it hurts. What you could do now is seek therapy to help you to heal from the core soul wound. Now that you know what it is. He will only pour further fuel on the wound and hurt you more.
You cant be friends with him. He doesnt do friendship neither does he deserve your friendship. Association with him will only bring further loss. This is true. Slow breathing… breath out the cancer of him, breath in new life.
Thank you. I am in therapy and working hard at revealing my core soul wound and healing it. The breakup of this relationship has thrown me into a spiral, as I am sure you understand. I find myself desperate for answers and relief from the pain that washes over me from the loss of “HIM.” I am beginning to understand that he is not the root of my pain, but the trigger and often the conjurer of it. It served him.
Your forum helps me so much to not feel alone and to apply answers and relief instead of turning to him or other self-destructive behaviors ( mine is overeating and isolating). This blog keeps it real for me and makes it more difficult to fall back into the fantasy of the relationship. I can’t allow myself to go there…and sadly I do too often. I want to wish away the truth of who he is….we know where that leads.
Thanks for your support and insights. I really like your reference to him as a cancer. It does feel as though he festers and rots my insides.
Onward…
Yes yes yes now you are seeing it. The pain is NOT him!! You see he deliberately assessed you. Found out what the core soul wound was then put a band aid over it…. only later to rip it off. So that you felt that you needed him. You didnt. This is all now within you. Please know that any further involvement with this man will only bring further loss and pain. You know what you have to heal. Use your therapist to work through and heal that wound… i bet the message that you sent to yourself was also “i am not good enough?” This man was never amazing or a god. He was evil abusive and manipulative. You can do this. The longer you stay away from him the more you heal. 💖
@positivagirl , YES! I love your words, they ring SO true for me. I finally found a therapist that I like and we talked about core wounds, We are starting hypnotherapy this next week.
You know my situation and the married sociopath is my life pretended to be my best friend for 10 months only to lure away my husband. My husband is still with her and is best friends with her husband and he knows and doesn’t care. I see that he is broken, he has always been broken, she assessed him too and got extra info from me her bestie about my life, his life …. she had it easy because I’m an open book and she “cared” so much about me by asking all those questions. UGH!
“I am not good enough” is my core wound, I even discussed it with her UGH UGH UGH! I think it’s my husbands too but he hid it well to me … I always thought my husband was strong and amazing. Now I know that I am stronger and I AM amazing ….. I’m working on getting my sparkle back but this divorce sucks. He’s making it take as long as possible and costly as possible with deep influence from married sociopath mistress. There has been financial abuse and emergency hearings to stop it. I’m trying to let go, let him go through this and not think about him as much. It’s hard and there have been difficult days this past week.
He was a great dad and husband even 8 months ago but now he’s worsening ….. it’s hard watching and experiencing this gradual train wreck of sociopathic abuse on my husband. I tried to tell him, but of course, I’m mentally unstable and whatever else she convinced him I am, so he won’t even speak to me. I know she knows I’m on to her about her personality disordered self because I’m sure husband tells her everything or she has access to his texts and emails overtly or even covertly. So my husband has now blocked me on his phones, email, we havent actually spoken since September. We only message on Our Family Wizard, a court ordered app/web site for divorcing families, his lawyer and the boys lawyer (Guardian ad Litem) can access it, so my messages there are only about our children and money. She is isolating him well. He’s now not wanting to see our children which is the most painful. I’m sure she knows that …. try and destroy me through my children … I think way too much about what she is telling him that this can be ok with him in his mind, 8 months ago he was a great dad!! The financial abuse didn’t work, the judge was NOT happy and made him stop and he has to give me a lot more money and he was PISSED. So now it’s using the children. I am doing the work on myself. I still think of them WAY too much, WAY WAY too much. She lives 4 miles from me and husband lives 7 miles from me. We see them together in public …. UGH! But not in a while, I hope never again.
She is evil and cunning and abusively manipulative! I just want her out of our lives … she still affecting us through my husband and it SUCKS!
I’m trying to do my own work and let go and not think about them as much. I’m trying. Good days and bad days and I need a distraction and hobby. 🙂
THank you for your wise words and this supportive place Nikki ❤
You are welcome Tracy. Keeping busy will help. The further you get away, the easier it becomes to heal. Soon you realise that those bad days become fewer and fewer until one day the power over you is gone. Like holding onto a pair of magic shoes, just keep going until you reach your place of peace, and you will!! You really will!! 🙂
Be glad he has someone else, although I don’t wish what happened to me on anyone else i know the day he finds his new victim I will be truly free….
Honestly I love coming here because we are all the same!!! The same lovely warm trusting (possibly low self esteem) smart yet possibly lonely woman (or man).
We did nothing wrong other than continue to look past our gut and brains to try and fill something in our heart!!
I also knew for the entire time I dated exSp that things weren’t right. Stories didn’t add up. 18 mths in I started to really question. By 2 years in we were fighting because he wasn’t doing the things he said he would do (in tell ex wife, let me meet his family). By 2.5 years I found out his surname was fake! I pretended to accept his bs reason.at 3.5 years I found out his first name was a lie too.I then pretended not yo know. I did lots of digging and found out nearly everything was a lie!! He had already settled with ex, he had many nights without his daughter visiting, he was working elsewhere…. Every time I questioned him on these and he lied to my face… I would excuse it in my brain somehow.
Oh he has attachment issues, oh he thinks I’ll rush him down aisle ifi know he’s fully divorced now…. Etc
Never said the truthful words that my gut was saying ‘oh he’s a lying sick dog. Hes lying to your face and disrespecting ypu as a human being because he wants to control you and he feels superior keeping the truth from you. He enjoys making you look to him like a dumb lovelorn fool’
Yes we are well rid of them but I know if he messaged me I’d have a hard time not jumping to command.
I hate NC. I want to be friends with him. But he won’t contact me and I need to heal… NC is the only way I can
2 days with no contact. Not much but its a start…again. The longest I have gone since the breakup 2 months ago was 5 weeks. I’m gonna try to beat that record this time!
My ex boyfriend is definitely a Charismatic sociopath. The funny thing is that I read this blog last year when I was going through the smear campaigns and bombarding stage, I was shocked at this behavior so I finally gave in to what I heard from a mutual friend telling me he is a sociopath and looked into it and found this blog. There were a lot of things written here that match his personality, such as the lying, saying nice things that are too good to be true, faking sickness to get pity from people, always craving attention and saying I love you sometimes saying just to reassure himself that I do. There was one time he asked me, “do you love me” so I asked why are you asking me that? I tell you I love you at least a billion times, so he said, no I just need to hear it from you that you really do. I thought that was so weird given that my love for him was obvious at the time and we were deep into our relationship. I dated him for almost 6 years. We were friends for 1 full year before we dated and even as friends it was as if we were dating, however he never was willing to commit as my boyfriend until I required him to and told him he can’t have the best of both worlds, the friends and the sex it has to be one or the other, so he chose to date me. It was rough for the first few months as he wasn’t reliable, and he would only show up if he was jealous of me being with other people. however, he managed to by the end of our relationship isolate me from all my friends, and like you said they do it so subtly you don’t even realize, they make you think its YOUR decision.
Anyways to get back to my point, when I came across this blog last year, I was at a horrible place. I had been with him for 4 years including 1 year as friends before that, and we broke up because of forced reasons from his family and mine as we both got into a heroin addiction problem, and upon getting clean and families intervening we decided to break up, however, we still stayed close friends seeing each other very frequently. Therefore we still acted as a couple just wasn’t labeled as one. What then happened was lies and manipulation. I’ve been lied to by him before many times, there’s too much history to say it all here, but some of the major lies from him while we were dating were him lying about having had sex with all his ex girlfriends, when at the time we first met I was 18, and I was still a virgin then, sex to me was something very important, as I wanted my first time to be with someone I truly care about and am committed too, he would keep telling me these lies even before he knew I was a virgin, and when he found out I was that love bombarding started with all the nice things and acting like hes committed and so forth, then when I still wouldn’t sleep with him, he pulled his first disappearing act, the first of MANY to come. These disappearing phases would last anywhere between 1 week to 4 months max, in which he will block me off everything so there is no way to possibly contact him, and when he decides to re appear he will always have some stupid excuse of why he couldn’t talk. The first time it happened I was really confused, like what did I do, did he break up with me? I had no idea what was going on because he didn’t say anything, so I asked a mutual friend to get involved to see whats going on. He then contacted me and pretended we were still together saw me a few times and disappeared again. I then sent him a message saying that I assume we are broken up, and that he doesn’t want to talk to me. He was very cold in his reply, saying something like he never liked me anyways. A few months went by before we spoke again, however, when we did we became friends for about a year. He continued to try to sleep with me, which I wouldn’t allow him to, and later didn’t until we started dating. a couple months after that he was very high and he told me that he wanted to say something to me, and turns out what he wanted to tell me is that he was a virgin and he lied about it. He thought I would be happy, but I was so devastated I felt like everything was a lie, all these stories he told me about these girls he had sexual relations with, and him knowing how important losing my virginity was to me and he just lied. I told him that I wish he had said the truth because at least I would have known that I made that decision because I wanted to not because I was lied to.
The reason I bring this up is because this was the first time I found out so much of what he told me was a lie. I did find out a year after meeting that he lied about his age, and where he was from, and some lies about his parents, and how they treat him. When I found out and confronted him he would never admit it but just settle that I found out the truth and sometimes continue to lie about it but I would tell him its not worth it because I know whats going on. When we started getting serious say about the third year of dating or so, the lies seemed to stop, and the only weird thing that was going on was that he would always message random girls on Facebook and lie and say he has cancer to get them to feel bad for him. He would also message old friends (girls) and tell them that we are not on good terms and are breaking up soon and he wants to see her. When I confronted him about this, he told me “I have a problem, OK, I just like attention and yes sometimes I do and say sick things to get, but who cares, I’m not going to see her its all fake, I like messing with people’s heads” I thought that was so weird. But I told myself, I love him, and if this is his only flaw at least he admits and I’ll deal with it, and I didn’t get mad later when I would find out he would talk to random girls online telling myself that as long as its not in person who cares, this is a part of who he is and he finds it entertaining. He also use to admit that he loves lying to people he will never see again about his profession and age, and sometimes faking that he is a blind man when he rides a cab, just weird shit like that.
Anyways sorry to get off point but back to when I came across this blog last year, we were at the point like I said where we were broken up because of us both getting sober but staying good friends, and we also kept on sexual relations with each other, and both weren’t seeing anyone else. I did try to date someone for a while but he pulled the jealous card and always would say bad things about the guy to put him down and every time he would know I’m going to see him he would ask to see me, to deviate my attention sometimes even ask if he could join, just so I would see him instead. I thought it was odd because I told him if he wanted to get back together I’m fine with that but we can’t be friends and ask me not to see other people. He would always reassure me yeah we are just friends see who you want its OK, but then every time make it impossible for me to date.
When I saw this is how he acted I took it under the impression that he still loves me but doesn’t want to admit it so I backed off other guys and stayed committed to him. During this time we were still in college and it was our last year. Now I know he used me throughout his college years to write his papers for him and do his work as he was never good in that area and was getting D’s or F’s in most of his classes before I came along. once he figured out I’m good at writing essays he took advantage of that and would always be so nice and sweet before he would ask if I could “help” him with his papers. I didn’t mind as he was my boyfriend and I cared about him so I thought I was helping. I never ever thought he was using me. Now looking back I guess the reason he stayed close to me after we broke up is so I could help him with his school work. That is why after he graduated he started to slowly drift away, I realized he was drifting away so I ask him if he was seeing someone else and he would constantly deny it, every time we would hang out his phone would ring non stop and he would tell me its his band mate, later I found out it was a girl, he then said yes its a girl, she manages my band, then I found out she wasn’t his band manager and she talks to him as if they are together so I asked if they are together he told me no, she just thinks we are, he would also call her crazy, and ugly, and say very nasty things about her. During this time I didn’t see much of him, now I know its because he didn’t need me for anything but then I was devastated because I had spent 5 years with someone who is treating me like a worthless shit but in front of my face he keeps pretending he loves me, I was so confused. Now I realize that he was a charismatic sociopath as he would never be evil in my face, always be so sweet and kind in person, but always disappear and ignore.
What brought me to this site was when I finally got a message for his current girlfriend at the time asking me to back off, telling me that he had said all these nasty things about me, such as I’m the girl who ruined his life and introduced him to drugs and I won’t leave him alone and I always try to lure him back in, always blaming his relapses on me even if I didn’t see him at the time. He also told her that he never loved me all this weird stuff. At the time I thought she was just saying that because she saw me as a threat and wanted me to be out of the picture, however, when I would confront him and tell him if you don’t like her then why are you with her he would always tell me, yea I’m planning on breaking up with her soon you’ll see, there is just so and so I need to do first always making excuses and stalling. After about 6 months of him being with her and me fighting with him about it because I had sensed he was lying to me about not liking her as he was always with her and always msging and talking to her, so I told him to be honest but don’t keep playing this game. He was using me at the time and actually having sex with me at the same time he was still sleeping with her, but telling me that they are not together. Constantly lying. When he finally got put on the spot by his girlfriend at the time and she told him to chose either her or me, that when I experienced the real sociopath in him, however, he could NEVER say it in my face. That’s why I seemed to think he was just pressured as he would always claim, but now I realize like you said he is a charismatic sociopath and they don’t do rude things in person. The things he said, omg, I couldn’t believe myself that someone human could even say all those things and fake all those emotions.
Here is a glimpse of what he said in the nasty email he sent me with his girlfriend last year, just to give a brief explanation, out of the 5 years we were together, only 1 year was while we were using heroin, we met clean, and we started our relationship without drugs, the drugs came after the fourth year of dating and stopped afterwards, we stayed friends while sober for a year before he met his new girlfriend, he relapsed a few times but it had nothing to do with me, he would just call me every time he would relapse because he knew I was the only one who would talk to him while under the influence and maybe get high with him on occasion. So here is a glimpse of his nasty message accusing me, of everything he did, blaming his cheating on me suppsoedly seducing him or forcing him to in exchange for drugs, when the truth is I never did drugs with him during that time, and when we did sleep together it was after him trying to be nice for days and begging me to believe him that he still loves me, it is exactly a perfect example of what you said of smear campaigns and abuse:
Email:
what do u want an apology. Im sorry it has to end this way to know you were a good friend, yes you were there when i needed u – to think about my decision, i did – tell you clearly and alone that i want u out of my life. I told you before and again i say please just leave me alone. Sarah you are a part of a life i want to put behind me. I always kept u around because i knew you’d be my in it was not the nicest thing to do and i didn’t consider your feelings as a human but i was never thinking straight while under the influence and could think of nothing else but using. I thought i needed it but im so glad this time that it really hit me. Now that i have the best of the people who love me around
I have nothing to say to you because i have covered everything in this email i answered all the stuff you wrote you have a clear answer and crystal clear feelings about my decision and how i feel about you. u mean nothing to me, ur kisses meant nothing to me, sex meant nothing to me.. and if felt terrible ur emails mean nothing to me, just taking up space. your words mean nothing your sadness means nothing your desperation means nothing our entire relationship meant only one thing ‘herion
You’re being over dramatic although I shouldn’t have called you ur still over the top. i got weak to the idea of H something you understand. I don’t even remember when i spoke to you or for how long just that i needed u for h/ I for sure shouldn’t have slept with you, not that you can call that sleeping. I’ve had cigarettes that lasted longer. I didn’t really wanna do anything with you. but just left you to do your thing because you threatened many times not to give me anything/ i don’t blame you completely, i take blame I shouldn’t have done a lot of things but im trying to stop all those things that pushed me and you’re not helping you’re an obstical and if you really cared and wanted me to b happy like u said then you’d let me live my life and stop bothering me everyday
I’m not wasting anymore of my life on your insecurities. You have to realize that i don’t want you now like i never wanted u before.. i felt pity for you when you were crying your eyes out asking me to date you. i did just to shut you up.. that was a favo a big one, now pay me back by getting out of my life
I don’t know what u want from me but whatever it is i CANT give it to you because i DON wanna. being manipulative and u try to lure me back in any way, trying to kiss me, still making up lies when u know myanne is around but alone you realize that you don’t really remember u are trying to do anything you can just to hold onto something that is nothing but a memory now.
Ive tried being rude nice strict honest a liar calm aggressive nothing i do makes it sink in. So i hope this time you really do have enough pride to walk away because now that it is all out in the open there is no reason for you to reply to say the same things over or defend yourself. What is done is done. Just like our relationship even if we did have something and there was a connection and all the other crap that came out of my mouth that has all gone now. Yes you cared about me a great deal and that’s cool but if you wanted to go you could’ve but you stayed round waiting for me loving me unconditionally like u say that’s not my fault they are your decisions.
Everything must come to an end sometime this is ours I hope you can move on like i have and become as happy as i am now that i have everything i need and want in one place.
I will not reply to anything more. I have nothing more to say.
You call myanne a bitch and a whore you know zilch about her. She used you yes but she made it quite clear what she wanted from you and made it clear when it was over. You cant seem to get that into your head thinking there is something more you can do to try and break us up. If you think she is an idiot for wanting me in her life, why do you want me or why did you want me in yours. Thats rhetorical by the way
You call her ugly but that’s just because you know that no matter what you do you’ll never look half as beautiful as her she has an amazing smile a sweet scent that keeps me strong and a beautiful shining personality that drives everyone mad
I’m now with the girl that everyone else wants not the girl who everyone is trying to get away from
I’m curious to know your opinion if you think his actions signify he is in fact a sociopath because I am more than sure he is.
To summarize what happened up until now as this was a year ago, about 4 months went by without him contacting me and I kept to the no contact rule as I was reading this blog then, then he called me and asked to meet me in person to apologize. By the way during the time this email was sent I would beg to meet him in person because I wanted to hear it face to face and he would never agree it would be hard enough for him to say it over the phone even though he did but not as harsh as the email.
Anyways stupidly I agreed to meet him, which I couldn’t believe I did because after this email and all the nasty things that were said, which were much more that I showed above, I was disgusted by him, but part of me was still longing for that nice guy that I loved and fell in love with for years. and he put that mask on when I saw him, claiming that he didn’t even know the emails were sent and that his girlfriend sent it behind his back, which is complete bullshit because there is too much detail in there for her to send it, also I asked him well how about what you said over the phone, he told me that it was on speaker phone and his girlfriend forced him to say it. I told him I didn’t believe it, and even if that’s the case if he respected me he would never agree to say these things whether forced or not, and he would stand up for me not accuse me of all these nasty things to make himself look better, then when he got put on the spot he said I know I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about it, I’m just stupid I can’t believe I did that to you, please forgive me, your the only person who truly cares about me and I fucked that up so bad and then he started the water works. I didn’t believe him, especially since he was still with his girlfriend at the the time and I asked him to leave her if he doesn’t like her. He kept making excuses again, anyways this time I stuck to my word because I didn’t want to go through the humiliation of last time, and I told him I wouldn’t talk to him until he proves either he loves her and wants to be with her or he breaks up with her. Anyways he ended up breaking up with her a couple weeks later then calling me saying see I broke up with her lets meet and so forth, Stupid me I met him and also slept with him, and we seemed to be good for about 3 months, until I found out he was still talking to her every now and then repeating the same story again of I don’t like her and so forth but he is pushy and manipulative and so on. To cut it short he ended up disappearing and then getting back together with her for a couple months. until recently he called me because he said they broke up, I found out she broke up with him because she found out he was cheating on her with me before, and since he knows I know that he admitted that yea she broke up with him but its a relief and he never loved her anyways she is just very pushy and she doesn’t let him break up with her, more bullshit. So the reason I am here today is because I just saw him yesterday and he fed me all the bullshit of he really cares and so on and he wants to change and he will prove it this time, and I know you will say I’m stupid but as much as I know its a lie, why can’t I help but see him, and not just see him but WANT to see him! HELP MEEEE! I don’t want to go through the heartbreak I went through before but I also don’t want to lose someone I thought was my best friend for 6 years and I feel knows everything about me and is so easy to talk to he just makes me feel comfortable when I’m around him and he’s the only person who truly understands me and my family and I can talk to openly, and as much as I know its fake and pretend part of me tells me its real and he just has a problem but deep down he really does care about me since he keeps coming back to me, and even when he was with his ex girlfriend he would always try to talk to me, but then the other half of me says well if he really loved you he would have never said all those nasty things, even if his girlfriend wrote the email she must have heard it from somewhere!
@ sarahnarrativepsych
What I do know is that relationships can be just as addictive as any drug. The compulsion and often illogical need to be with a person seems to be a dominant characteristic among relationships with a Narcissit/Sociopath. I have felt this “pulling” emotion during and after the relationship broke off. I think SPs encourage and foster these emotions in their partners to keep them “hooked.” I noticed early on when I was with him or even got a text from him I would be soothed, calmed and put in a better mood….when he would give silent treatments and be in “cooling off periods” I would be sick and found it difficult to focus on anything else. I gave up time with friends, family ( even my son) and all the activities I enjoyed just so I could be with him or available to him.This happened slowly and I wasn’t even aware of it. He hated me texting anyone else and would tantrum and go silent if I even spent time with my elderly, ill mother. SO I always felt like I was giving him enough time and attention and would try harder….anything to get his approval and keep his attention. Does that sound like addiction? I think so. If you haven’t read the post on this website about recovering from a SP relationship, please do. It talks about this “soothing effect” SPs are so good at fostering.
I fight it everyday…and I am sure I will for sometime. I haven’t succeeded very well at total NC yet. I have not seen him/been in his physical presence in 2 months which after 2 years of constant contact I believe is a big deal…I am still so vulnerable I could not handle physical contact with him right now…not even sitting in a restaurant booth across from him. Likewise telephone contact has been sparse…only 3 times since the breakup and he has initiated every contact, written or phone call. But with any contact I feel that familiar rush and eventual disappointment and self-loathing afterwards.
I think I know that even after much healing and even years down the road with no contact he will be toxic for me, triggering that deep soul wound in me. Part of my struggle is knowing this. I am in therapy working on these issues and I highly recommend therapy for anyone who finds themselves overwhelmed, despondent, and feeling empty and even humiliated at the loss of the relationship. Therapy has helped me focus on myself and comforting my own wounds…I am encouraged to learn about my response to the SP but not spend more and more energy trying to understand “HIM.” It is too easy to get lost in the details of the relationship…its like a puzzle and the pieces keep changing as you try to put them together.
I just read your last post about how you answered his call and did things for him and he didn’t even see you, this really related to me almost as if I wrote it myself. My ex sociopath would do this to me all the time, and just like you I would know he is with another girl and she is absolutely crazy and nothing compared to me and I’m not the type to be full of myself I’m always very humble and consider myself just a normal person nothing special but she is definitely disgusting by all means, but he so called says the same thing that she lights up his life however he never says it in my face just when he is with her, and he calls her all these lovely names and treats her like a princess and all he has to do with me is call me and ask me to help and I will be there even if he tells me he doesn’t care about me like he use to I’m still there to help, and I did that assuming that he would eventually see all the kind things I do, and she doesn’t and want me not her. But he didn’t he just used and used me until he didn’t need me anymore then threw me away and sent me that email that I posted in one of my posts above. Making me seem like the crazy one and accusing me of everything he did.
I would also get that same fuzzy jittery feeling when he called me, when all I would want to do before he called is swear at him and call him off for the worthless ass hole he really is but my heart would never let me do it, and even when I would get the nerve to do it I would always end up apologizing or answering his calls later, because sickly him calling and just talking to me made me so happy! BUT WHY!!! I know what you’re going through, it is a horrible feeling to know we deserve so much better but we are not able to let go. Its because they fooled us into thinking they were our soul mates and meant to be with them forever so our hearts keep trying as we believe they were “the one” and always make excuses for their behavior, and that their other girlfriend or girlfriends are just a phase and they will eventually come back to us as we were meant to be. After all if they didn’t love us why would they keep calling right? Because they are fucking sick, just a sociopath, but who wants to believe that the love of their life is a sociopath, right? Its a horrible feeling!
When he is away I realize all these things but when he is in contact with me, my heart takes over, I want it to end but its so difficult I’ve tried so many times but the problem is he won’t leave me alone when I move on, he lures me back in every time, I even changed my phone number so he couldn’t’ call me, and 4 months went by I was getting better until he started driving to my house daily to see if I was there and talk to me, and managed to get me to give him my new number and contact me, and when I told him I wouldn’t talk to him if he was still with that girl, he broke up with her all to get me to talk to him again and as soon as I did and started to get close to him again which took a while about 3 months as there was a lot of trust issues and I didn’t want to trust him until he proved himself a bit, and as soon as I let my guard down again and trusted him and he became the center of my life again…. guess what happened? he ditched me, disappeared again without explanation and went back to his ex….
Then now 3 months later, he came back into contact with me, probably to repeat the process all over again, and I thought this time I would have enough dignity in myself to ignore but I couldn’t, the only difference is that this time when I see him part of me is disgusted by his actions but the other part of me just wants to hug and kiss him and tell him how much I miss him and talk to him like I use to as I feel he is the only one who understands me, Its funny that the other day when I saw him, as soon as I would reach out to hold his hand or tell him I miss you, I would automatically say oh shit sorry I didn’t mean to say that! because my brain would be stop stop, he is a heartless sociopath if you say these things he will use you more! and it will be a constant battle within myself. And when I don’t say nice things or reach out to hold his hand or be intimate with him he will constantly keep trying and make it harder on me to control myself.
I just hate to believe that it was all a lie and its pretend, but the truth is it is, sometimes the truth just hurts too much that we constantly fool ourselves to believe otherwise. I know if I don’t stop talking to him I will end up hurt again, but its almost as if I’m okay with that because I think to myself, well I’m hurt anyways talking to him or not….. I tell myself that if someone better comes along I’ll be able to let go so whats wrong with just staying friends with him, but just as this blog says, they can never be friends, he will always want to use me somehow for something…..
So I understand what your going through, and I wish I had an answer for you, the only advice I can give you is to block off contact with him, but believe me I know its hard, but it does feel better once you get past a few months just make it so there is absolutely no way he can reach you again, because mine knew where I lived he made it impossible. Its crazy that they will disappear with no warning but yet when we disappear they will go to crazy lengths to get a hold of us.
Reading your story breaks my heart. It sounds so familiar. So painful. That part of the email you quoted was brutal. I’m sorry he wrote that to you. Many people tell their stories in generalities, but that specific example really hits home and will be educational to many who read it.
I heard all of the same sorts of criticisms/put downs, but in dribbles–not at once in a litany like that. All the, “I love you more than anyone else in this world,” “You are my best friend,” “I love you” statements followed by stealing an expensive necklace I made and giving it to his other girl as a gift she then wore in a photo on her Facebook profile. He always told me bad things about her and I’m sure he did the same to her. They love that triangulation–playing those who love him against each other. It’s so cruel. I know feel really bad for her because I know she did and IS going through what I went through. Confusion and cluelessness and pain. I didn’t even know these types of people existed, so I wasn’t catching on. Some people, usually empathic, good people who think they can help him, never catch on. It’s too painful to admit, even to ourselves.
He got me on pot and alcohol–neither of which I did before I met him. They can get away with so much more if you’re (we) are not thinking so clearly, but are numbing ourselves to the pain THEY are causing us. I couldn’t have lived if I felt all that true pain I felt with him for 5 years.
I stopped contact 6/4/15 and feel the same as you do now. I still WANT to see him, talk to him, but I know that’s totally sick and have avoided his calls and visits. What helps me is that intellectually I KNOW that he isn’t really missing me emotionally (if anything, he misses the attention and love/flattery, money, help I gave him). It breaks my heart to think that, but it makes me stronger because I know it’s true. After all the lies, I know that to be true. The lies were lies. What I thought was the truth was a lie. That’s the hardest part to accept, but I believe that’s where I need to get for the pain to stop. I don’t know if you have the same problem, but the acceptance is so hard to reach. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I know I will, eventually.
You’ll never find peace going back and forth with him. I didn’t break up with him earlier because I knew the pain would be really bad and unfortunately, that’s true. But, I still believe I did the right thing and it was the only thing I could do (in my case) to save my life. In year 2, I ended up in the mental hospital for 10 days for suicidal depression and STILL got back together with him. The emotional hold is incredible. He thought he had nothing to do with it and I was just crazy. It sounds like your emotions are very strong and hurting and confusing you too.
I hope you can focus on the true negative things (try making lists of the things you know to be painful FACTs) and find the strength to give up on him and move on. Try not to think of the connection, talks, support and good feelings he provided at times–that only makes it harder to be real and honest with yourself. Even though it’s really hard, I know you will be better off in the long run. I wish you incredible strength and hope. You are worth it. No one deserves to be a victim of a sociopath.
Thank you so much for your reply. Yes your right I hope this email helps many as this is why I posted it after I got it it was almost somewhat closure for me to hear him say that well not hear him but read that he wrote those nasty things it just made me realize how cold hearted he could be, and surprisingly that was the nicest part the rest went on to call me a prosit ute and slut and desperate and obsessed and so forth. He also called me bi polar and I have issues due to my family upbringing which he knows.
Anyways I appreciate your advice, I am just so mad that I had actually started to get better and move on and every time I do he comes back in my life and because of all the years of history it’s so hard to let go and ignore him. But it always ends up in heartbreak because unfortanetly no matter whether he is dating or not dating someone he can never just be friends like I asked him to he will always want the physical aspect and will always bombard me with all this I love you your my soul mate crap. And stupid me believes it a little bit? I believe it less and less every time but still I tell myself deep down he really loves me and make excuses for the nasty email he wrote just as he blames it on pressure from n his ex but why do I do this when I know if he really loved me he would never say those things and Treat me like that for her, a girl whom he talked shit about. But then I tell myself well he must have loved me during the time we were dating as he never cheated and was always there when I needed him even after we broke up he was a great friend however as soon as that new girl came around that’s when he started to change and then cold and play games and lie so as much I know it’s him because I’ve seen patterns of this behavior before in tiny bits my heart convinces me that it’s her pressuring him or some bullshit, just saying it now I feel stupid because I know it’s not true.
I saw him yesterday for the first time in a few months and he is currently broke up with his girlfriend and now since I know he is a sociopath and can tell his lies everything seems so different and I feel betrayed but whyyyyyyyy do I still get that comfort of seeing him at the end of the day and I just feel better and motivated to go out and do things and I get so happy from just seeing him as if he is my battery recharge or getting high on a drug for a period of time and just like drugs when he’s gone the withdrawals start and I feel worse than ever before and nothing makes me better besides him unless I last for months without its actually exactly like a drug when I think about it, he is actually a lot like my heroin addiction, same metaphor.
And like you also before I met my sp I didn’t use any drugs or drink, he got me into drinking first then smoking pot then heroin later. Then he blamed it all on me 🙂
Thank you so much again and if you need anything I’m here for you.
Also if your interested in seeing the rest of the email I would be happy to post it.
Much love
Here is the other part of the email, in this part he was responding to all my questions in previous emails word for word. Just a side note, he was never able to say these things face to face or over the phone, and when he would see my in person he would only say nice things and always accuse people of pressuring him such as his girlfriend and such thats why he said nasty things. He would never take the blame. Until now he claims that his girlfriend supposedly hacked into his email and wrote all these things. Which I know is not true. He would always talk shit about his girlfriend and always say he is about to break up with her, and then funny enough I get this email from him which is the complete opposite of what he was telling me in person trying to make me out as a crazy person, I guess this is what they call the “smear campaign” stage.here it is, I labeled me, for what I wrote and SP for his response to it.
Me: This is the last method of contact you will here from me
SP: Lie – you sent e-mails after that and called and text
Me: Did you really just speak to me because you wanted something, as I had predicted in the beginning or was it because you actually cared about our friendship.
SP: it really just because i wanted something,
Me: I swear I wouldn’t have been mad if you were honest with me,
SP: Lie -I was and you are now jealous and its obvious
Me: You think I’m trying to ruin your relationship with her, but I swear I’m not, I wanted to be friends your the one would always insist that you feel more for me and you can’t just be my friend
SP: You have been trying to get us apart so you can be the one to ‘save’ me
Me: I’m tired of you always being the one deciding when you don’t want to talk to me
SP: Then don’t wait for me to make a decision and stop talking to me yourself
Me: Everytime I stop speaking to you, you come back and talk to me and we go through this, I don’t think you would keep coming back unless you didn’t feel at least a little the same.
SP: You provided me with something i needed and it wasn’t you
Me: I liked it when you told me that there is always this string that pulls us together, because its true. But I feel like that string got pulled on so many times that this is it, one more move and its going to rip. And that’s the last thing I want to happen.
SP: It ripped. Thats the only thing i wanted to happen
Me: and you chose her over me, and everything that happened between us was a lie, then why go through all that bullshit and time convincing and talking shit?
SP: I’ll always choose her
Me: and then you tell her I’m the one who seduced you and the kiss means nothing
SP: You did seduce me, but even if i kissed you it was just a kiss. NOTHING else. i let you do what you needed to give me what I want.
Me: I wish you would sit and think and compare all the people you know, and realize how kind I’ve been and forgiving all these years. I don’t deserve to be treated this way.
SP: I have and came to the colclusion that we cannot be in each others lives. At all
Me: I want you to know that if you truly mean what your saying to Myanne now that you do not want to talk to me again, and that’s what you really want I won’t argue,Just tell me, don’t say it to other people, but in front of me you say you hate her, then you must be one fucked up boyfriend
SP: Another lie, you havnt stopped arguing
Me: I thought you didn’t like her anyways, I would beg you to admit you liked her and then you would say she looks like my maids asshole, and that its over between you two.
SP: Lie – and Well now you knowi don’t only like her but i love her. I want to make her happy, I am more comfortable now that we are closer and more open with each other. Thanks to you.
Me: I needed my best friend that I’m able to talk to no matter what, and I’ve always been there for you
SP: You know what i don’t get, why you wont understand that i want u to leave me alone
Me: I’m not asking you to love me, I don’t want to be with you, I don’t love you that way anymore, I just don’t want to lose my friend.
SP: And then you compare yourself to Myanne saying “it hurts to know that I’m not loved that way” and saying ” you still call Myanne and update her on whats going on with you,”
Me: I know you better than anyone
SP: then in a text you said my parents know me better than anyone – you can never stick to one thing
Me: So this time if you don’t want to talk to me and chose to leave, just know that is a life long decision. I won’t talk to you again like I use to and forgive what you have done.
SP: Life long decisions are smoking, healthy eating, career choice, marriage,.. however, you too are a no
Me: Myanne is the one who took my number from your phone a long time ago behind your back, and never even told you anything about it, Msged me behind your back, at least thats what you told me when I confronted you about it
SP: Lie- we both told u i knew. By the way, i knew she took it we were together in the car that night, talking to you actually the first time your repeating it to make her look bad, but u look terrible now
Me: Even after that day when you told me you don’t give a shit about me I still went to your work and paid a lot of money and wasted time I could have spent studying for exams, all to spend time with you because you claimed you missed me and needed to see me.
SP: Then you should have not wasted time and instead studied for your exams, nobody forced you to come. Actually the opposite Don’t blame me
Me: but you don’t want to see that I truly sacrificed a lot for you, and have always been there when you needed me to, so I can’t force you too, I also can’t force you to feel something from the last email, you never did in the past
SP: Well then if you know why are you still trying to force it
Me: anyways I don’t know what would make me think me writing a long email will work this time.However, its the only way I can get a hold of you as you don’t answer my calls.
SP: I don’t know..we ask ourselves the same question
Me: I just really want to end this, so man up and call me yourself and tell me don’t just disappear like a little pussy. Also have the balls to say in person that you hate me and don’t want to see me again, not just hide so you can come later and say that you missed me and give me some lame excuse. And it’s your choice now if you want to give up someone who really knows and cares about you just to make other people happy.
SP: Lie – you don’t think its my choice, you don’t respect it
Me: follow what you want.
SP: I am trying to but your in my way
Me: I have all the msgs u sent me about myanne and I could have easily showed it to her
SP: You showed her nothing because there is nothing and threats wont make me talk to you
Me: you turn into this person who is so cold hearted and feelingless toward anything I have to say. So I have a feeling its the second one this time.
SP: Spot on
Me: I don’t know how you can switch between the two so fast
SP: Because I wake up and realise my mistake
Me: If that girl is with u even after she found out u cheated on her then she must be really desperate. You did lie to me yes, but you never cheated on me while we were together for those 5 years.
SP: She found out and i am working on earning her trust and she learns to forive me for a mistake i will regret til i die. She isn’t desperate she has a heart of gold and is mature enough to see past my childish actions
Me: I’m not saying you love me but all I know is you don’t love her your just convincing yourself u do cuz u know she’s ur only hope.
SP: Youre the one who is convincing yourself i don’t love her because im your only hope
Me: The fact that you couldn’t call me without putting me on speaker phone for her to hear well that says it all.
SP: It does. It says i want to be open with her from now on and so she can see that ill do whatever it takes to show her im sorry
Me: You know very well if it wasn’t for her telling u not talk to me u still would
SP: Not that thats the reasn, but im glad i have her to reassure me
Me: shows how disgusting of a human being u are
SP: If you don’t like disgusting people, then leave me alone
Me: The least u could have done is talked to me alone or met me face to face
SP: Why would i see you facetoface when its what im avoiding. The most i could have done is replied, i did that.
Me: Bye have a nice life I won’t bother u again.
SP: Lie – youre still bothering me 1 week later
Me: what we had was a real connection
SP: you used ‘had’ – if it was real it would’ve lasted
Me: I was never cheated on by you
SP:just because i didn’t cheat doesn’t mean i did it out of love.. i just never got the chance
Me: You let your girlfriend drive and borrow your car, when you’ve only been with her for a few months and suppsedly can’t stand her, but when I was with you for years you would not even let me drive it, I know how important your car is to you or maybe that was fake too.
SP: Why does that bother you, i trust her with my life, my car isn’t different
Me: you probably never even loved me when we were dating and were never my friend because if you were before u would have never said the stuff your saying now.
SP: Thats right. I didn’t. And i wouldn’t
Me: I’m sorry about what I said to you and her but you both used me and said mean things too
SP: Yes We did
Me: Again. Sorry for anything that u feel I’ve wronged you in.
SP: No problem.
Me: your a sociopath
SP: Since you like research look up bipolar and personality disorders.. check up more on lying you have a long road you go till your honest for any other reason than your own benefit. Youre just like who i used to be
Me: And believe me your girlfriend doesn’t know you half as well as I do,
SP: Thats ok she has all the time in the world to get to know me
Me: Because your girlfriend herself told me that if the stuff I’m saying to her is true your relationship would be over by now.
SP: Lie – She never said that. I saw every single word in all 3 conversations between you both – thats proof of ruining my relationship. So you saying youre not is another LIE
Me: I don’t want to talk to you,
SP: Lie – you cant stop talking to me or at all.
Me: and I don’t need a reply.
SP: LIE – You always ask for a reply. “at least reply to this e-mail” “I want to hear it from you”
Me: you really have no excuse to tell me I left traces or strands behind because even if u wanted to get a hold of me you wouldn’t be able to
SP: LIE! Youre still texing me from you old number and youre sending me e-mails
Me:I really don’t want to talk to you, trust me
SP: Trust you, hahahah. Then why are you talking?
Me: because it would be dumb of me to still love and care about you after what happened.
SP: Then i guess your dumb
Me: All those times I came to your house and your work and missed classes and took cabs back even though I had a ride but instead came to you to spend time with you because you asked and begged, I did that knowing that most likely this shit would happen and you would do like you do every time and say you don’t want to talk to me anymore, I’m not stupid, I know that’s how you are. But I thought maybe, just maybe he changed.
SP: Youre not stupid? Sure? You have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: Now all I get is lies and betrayal and getting talked shit to when your around others, thats what I get for being loyal and giving every part of my life to you for 6 years? That’s what you call unconditional love
SP: Or unrequited love or an obsessive disorder of sorts or co-dependency
Me: and it takes a while to build that, and it doesn’t come by easily.
SP: It doesn’t come easily and appartently it sticks to u like a leech
Me: You probably can’t name one thing you’ve ever risked for someone else.
SP: I can name some but not t u just because i risked nothing for you doesn’t mean i didn’t risk anything for others. Myanne for example
Me: I was never able to hide anything from you,
SP: Neither does myanne if thats what your getting to
Me: I would always give you a chance to explain yourself and even if I didn’t believe you I would still love you for you with all your flaws.
SP: Then why are you pissed myanne is doing the same by staying with me even after i cheated. your crazy
Me: the favors I did for u in the last month.
SP: much appreciated what you did for me in this ‘month’ December is the month of giving anyway. Its xmas
Me: and then in the end when I tell you I’m your friend and I’m here for you no matter what you push me out? Who does that
SP: I do apparantly
Me: I don’t need your sympathy or a thank you that’s not what I’m looking for
SP:….. crazy person
I read your text coversation with your sociopath and the comments made by your sociopath could have easily been made by mine. I wanted to cry for you and for me. Please try not to contact this man again. He is only using you to strengthen his position with his girlfriend. He mocks you, he uses you and, should his new relationship begin to fail, he will pull you out of his top hat to make his woman jealous and keep her on the string. He is a low-life pc of excrement that deserves to be alone completely the rest of his miserable life. I am convinced that if we victims would just step back completely,their actions would catch up with them. He will pay for what he has done. Don’t let him use you anymore. No doubt he will step out of life long before you and then you can go to his graveside and make peace with him, the is the closest you’ll ever come to him when you will be truly safe. He’s a prick…let him pound sand.
Thanks Julie,
The funny thing is that now since things aren’t going well with his girlfriend and she broke up with him because she found out he was lying however, they still talk as she is trying to get back with him, I don’t blame her, we have all been through the same. So now he is trying to contact me alot, and anytime I bring up this email he sent me while he was with her he always says I did it for your benefit I knew that the only way I could set you free was if I was harsh with you and plus my girlfriend pressured me and wrote most of it. Whenever I ask him well why would you let her pressure you if you didn’t like her, he lies again and says she was manipulative and so forth again putting everything he is on someone else. She has also contacted me recently asking me why he is like this and now she understands what I was going through before but also can’t seem to get herself to leave him completely. I always go back and read that email every time he tells me nice things, he always uses the line, you have no idea what you mean to me, your the only girl I ever really loved, and I wish I could marry you, ok well if thats true why don’t you? And why did you leave me? As much as I knew what he is saying is bullshit, like I said before there is just comfort in seeing him, and after reading the harsh words again of course it hurts but I try to make excuses. Its been 7 years knowing him, and one year apart on and off, I don’t know why I can’t get over this. I guess maybe because I met him when I was so young I just fell in love hard and fast and its hard for me to admit to myself that it was all an illusion. It breaks my heart.
Broken
All Your story’s resonated with me big time,almost seems as if your words are my story.I thought I was dealing with a sociopath or something maybe someone here can enlighten me.I too was used ,lied too,manipulated and disguarded afterwords.9 yrs together bought a new car and a new home in the last year of the nine yearsat her request.Got custody of granddaughter was raising her,moved 1/2 my stuff and all the now exs stuff out of the rental to new home.I was paying rental and Morg and car besides working 12 hours a day and moving everything.6 months into it caught her cheating in the new home with her co worker ,she triangulated me tried to move cheat in still while I was paying Morg and expected me to do so.would not let me in house or have 1/2 of my stuff moved there ,fought me tooth and nail.She moved out with cheat within 1 week of me getting a lawyer she got engaged 1 month into being with cheat,mind you she was engaged to me up till that point and still wears my ring also.broke into locked garage and stole my things,I got it all on video.It cost me 5000 at lawyer to get her name off house deed and an unforeseen amount yet to remortgage I’m still in process.i had to trade car in to get her name off it we jointly owned it.Took a 10,000 hit there cause of it being to new to trade. And a lawyer Bill too,I about nearly lost my mind.To someone I gave my everything to.Knocked me clear on my ass I never saw it coming.I am still in the fog and we r 5 months into this at this point.I went no contact for 60 days had lawyer set everything up.when car got signed over she said she messed up and wanted to come back ,I was the love of her life soulmate yadda,yadda,yadda.She left cheat or cheat threw her out.She put a gun to her head while she lived with cheat and says it’s all because of me,she says all her Facebook posts were about me,she says she is not a parent to her own adult children because of me,I could go on and on.I asked her how is this possible when you were not with me you chose to live with someone else and how is it I’m the ill of all your wills.She gives me to many burdens to bare. she rented a apartment down the street from new house started counseling lasted 1 month and went back to cheat,got re engaged.Smeared it all over social media so the word got back to me which it did.Told all her new friends at her job,cause she had non before that I hurt her,I do nothing for her,I don’t love her,I’m mean and lord knows what else cause they will not even speak to me.But they do not know me only what was told to them. In My case tho who she cheated with was not better looking than I,does not make more money,nor in my opinion has a morals either,blew my ego to smithereens.so now they are both neighbors so to speak.i have blocked my number and email,I was never her Facebook friend,calls started coming from her work I have blocked that and I will not let her see the child we raised till I get clarity on what the hell is wrong with her.This has sucked the life out of me I can’t wrap my head around a life time of what it seems like a train wreck in 5 month time. 2 other people have stepped forth and said they had affairs with her prior in our 9 year tenor .I am certain there is a lot I don’t know at this point.All from her same job that she has for 3 years now.She tried to get my sister fired from work and went to all my family members to do what I don’t know they refused to talk to her cause they said to me she is pure evil after what they saw.I struggle greatly with how did I not see any of this in the 9 years.I have no friends she isolated me and ran them off accuising me of having affairs with them.Never once did I step that way and I just gave all my time to her not to fight or cause friction cause she seemed to be very jealous,and we did not fight hardly at all-We got along well . she portrayed that she was a happy camper. She was a well keep woman I did everything,and got her what ever she wanted no matter how much it stressed me out ,guess that was part of my demise I made things to easy.she told me she fells empty inside,does not know why she takes everything good and ruins it that she is unhappy and can’t look in mirror does not like what she sees and does not know what she wants all in the last month On the social media she says she’s happy as hell and With the love of her life.so lying has been a huge problem that I’m only catching wind of in these last couple of months.then she calls my job last month and says WE drifted apart and I don’t love you.She can’t even take ownership in that it’s WE.So she is changing her mind so many times I can’t keep up.I do know however I am not the love of her life to go through all this crap.People do this to enemies not people they say they love.Right?????
I don’t even know her anymore her demeanor is different she dresses in clothes I have never seen before,her personality is mean and rough and nasty she used to be sweet ,gentle and kind.I need counseling and my peace of mind back….
So I wanted to share another part of the email I had sent my sp last year, in this email he was replying to what I had asked him in a previous email, and he replied sentence by sentence. It was so cruel. But like I said since he is a charismatic sp he was never able to say this to my face and if he does see me he lies and says he was manipulated into saying these things by his current gf. When I read this email that was when I was sure he was a sociopath, everything he said confirmed it….
To give some background, I’ve known him for about 7 years almost, and had dated him for 5. He has never said anything rude in my face, and when this email was sent he had lied to me about being with a girl, even though we were just friends at the time, and I would beg him to admit he is seeing someone, but he never would, all that so he can still sleep with me, because he knew if I knew he was with someone I wouldn’t have slept with him. I believe he was sincerely my best friend during that time, and he had disappeared a few times before, but like I said he never said anything bad, and was never able to in my face. Until he met this girl, which you can call his new target, thats when the smear campaigns started.
Here it is:
Me: This is the last method of contact you will here from me
SP: Lie – you sent e-mails after that and called and texts
Me: Did you really only talk to me again just because you wanted something, as I had predicted in the beginning or was it because you actually cared about our friendship.
SP: it was really just because i wanted something,
Me: I swear I wouldn’t have been mad if you were honest with me,
SP: Lie -I was and you are now jealous and its obvious
Me: You accuse me of trying to ruin your relationship with her, but I swear I’m not,
SP: You have been trying to get us apart so you can be the one to ‘save’ me
Me: I’m tired of you always being the one deciding when you don’t want to talk to me
SP: Then don’t wait for me to make a decision and stop talking to me yourself
Me: but you wouldn’t keep talking to me after every time we go through this, and I stop communication with you if you didn’t feel at least a little the same.
SP: You provided me with something i needed and it wasn’t you
Me: Remember when you said that there is always this string that pulls us together, I really liked that, because its true. But I feel like that string got pulled on so many times that this is it, one more move and its going to rip. And that’s the last thing I want to happen.
SP: It ripped. Thats the only thing i wanted to happen
Me: and you chose her over me, and everything that happened between us was a lie, then why go through all that bullshit?
SP: I’ll always choose her
Me: and you say I’m the one who seduced you and the kiss means nothing, are kidding me? You know thats not true.
SP: You did seduce me, but even if i kissed you it was just a kiss. NOTHING else, I let you do what you needed to give me what I want.
Me: I wish you would sit and think and compare all the people you know, and see how kind I treated you giving you so many chances, forging and always being by your side.
SP: I have and came to the colclusion that we cannot be in each others lives. At all
Me: I want you to know that if you truly mean what your saying to Myanne now that you do not want to talk to me again, and that’s what you really want I won’t argue, but you say yourself you hate her, then you must be one fucked up boyfriend
SP: Another lie, you havnt stopped arguing
Me: I thought you didn’t like her anyways, I would beg you to admit you liked her and then you would say she looks like my maids asshole, and its over between you two.
SP: Lie – and Well now you know i don’t only like her but i love her
Me: I need my best friend that I’m able to talk to no matter what, and I’ve always been there for you
SP: You know what i don’t get, why you wont understand that i want u to leave me alone
Me: I’m not asking you to love me, I don’t want to be with you, I don’t love you that way anymore, I just don’t want to lose my friend.
SP: And then you compare yourself to Myanne saying “it hurts to know that I’m not loved that way” and saying ” you still call Myanne and update her on whats going on with you,”
Me: I know you better than anyone
SP: then in a text you said my parents know me better than anyone – you can never stick to one thing
Me: So this time if you chose not to speak anymore to me, this is a life long decision. Just think about it…..
SP: Life long decisions are smoking, healthy eating, career choice, marriage, not this, but anyways you are a no.
Me: Myanne is the one who took my number from your phone a long time ago and never even told you anything about it, Msged me behind your back, at least thats what you told me when I confronted you about it
SP: Lie- we both told u i knew. By the way, i knew she took it we were together in the car that night, talking to you actually the first time your repeating it to make her look bad, but u look terrible now
Me: I can’t force you to feel something from the last email, you never did in the past
SP: Well then if you know why are you still trying to force it
Me: anyways so what would make me think me writing a long ass email will work this time.
SP: I don’t know..I ask myself the same question
Me: I just really want to end this, so man up and call me yourself and tell me don’t just disappear like a little pussy, and send message, I want to hear it face to face or at least on the phone without people next to you I need you to tell me you don’t want to see me again.
SP: Thats what ive been saying for ages now
Me: And it’s your choice now if you want to give up someone who really knows and cares about you just to make other people happy.
SP: Lie – you don’t think its my choice, you don’t respect it
Me: follow what you want.
SP: I am trying to but your in my way
Me: I have all the msgs u sent me about myanne and I could have easily showed it to her
SP: You showed her nothingbecause there is nothing and threats wont make me talk to you
Me: you turn into this person, who is so cold hearted and feelingless toward anything I have to say. So I have a feeling its the second one this time.
SP: Spot on
Me: I don’t know how you can switch between the two so fast
SP: Because I wake up and realise my mistake
Me: If that girl is with u even after she found out u cheated on her then she must be desperate.
SP: She found out and i am working on earning her trust and she learns to forive me for a mistake i will regret til i die. She isn’t desperate she has a heart of gold and is mature enough to see past my childish actions
Me: I’m not saying you love me but all I know is you don’t love her your just convincing yourself u do cuz u know she’s ur only hope.
SP: Youre the one who is convincing yourself i don’t love her because im your only hope
Me: The fact that you couldn’t call me without waiting for her to be next to you to put it on speaker, well that says it all
SP: It does. It says i want to be open with her from now on and so she can see that ill do whatever it takes to show her im sorry
Me: You know very well if it wasn’t for her telling u not talk to me u still would
SP: Not that thats the reasn, but im glad i have her to reassure me
Me: shows how disgusting of a human being u are
SP: If you don’t like disgusting people, then leave me alone
Me: The least u could have done is talked to me alone or met me face to face
SP: Why would i see you face to face when its what im avoiding. The most i could have done is replied, i did that.
Me: Bye have a nice life I won’t bother u again.
SP: Lie – youre still bothering me 1 week later
Me: what we had was a real connection
SP: you used ‘had’ – if it was real it would’ve lasted
Me: I was never cheated on by you
SP: just because i didn’t cheat doesn’t mean i did it out of love.. i just never got the chance
Me: You let your girlfriend drive your car, you never let me drive your car and we were together for 5 years, you have only been with her for a few months.
SP: Why does that bother you, i trust her with my life, my car isn’t different
Me: you probably never even loved me when we were dating and were never my friend because if you were before u would have never said the stuff your saying now.
SP: Thats right. I didn’t. And i wouldn’t
Me: I’m sorry about what I said to you and her but you both used me and said mean things too
SP: We did.
Me: Again. Sorry for anything that u feel I’ve wronged you in.
SP: No problem.
Me: You should be able to tell her anything, and know that she might be upset but she would never get mad at you.
SP: Thats contradicting you said then – ” after what u said to me last night any normal person would get mad”… “you would know right away if I’m mad at you” youre trying to start a fire but your words are so empty.
Me: your a sociopath
SP: Since you like research look up bipolar and personality disorders.. check up more on lying you have a long road you go till your honest for any other reason than your own benefit. Youre just like who i used to be
Me: And believe me your girlfriend doesn’t know you half as well as I do,
SP: Thats ok she has all the time in the world to get to know me
Me: Because your girlfriend herself told me that if the stuff I’m saying to her is true your relationship would be over by now.
SP: Lie – She never said that. I saw every single word in all 3 conversations between you both – thats proof of ruining my relationship. So you saying youre not is another LIE
Me: I don’t want to talk to you,
SP: Lie – you cant stop talking to me or at all.
Me: and I don’t need a reply.
SP: LIE – You always ask for a reply. “at least reply to this e-mail” “I want to hear it from you”
Me: you really have no excuse to tell me I left traces or strands behind because even if u wanted to get a hold of me you wouldn’t be able to
Me: LIE! Youre still texing me from you old number and youre sending me e-mails
Me: it would be dumb of me to still love and care about you after what happened.
SP: Then i guess your dumb
Me: All those times I came to your house and your work and missed classes and took cabs back even though I had a ride but instead came to you believing you wanted to spend time with me, I did that knowing that most likely this shit would happen and you would do like you do every time and say you don’t want to talk to me anymore, I’m not stupid, I know that’s how you are. But I believed that maybe you would change.
SP: Youre not stupid? Sure? You have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: That’s what you call unconditional love
SP: Or unrequited love or an obsessive disorder of sorts or co-dependency
Me: and it takes a while to build that, and it doesn’t come by easily.
SP: It doesn’t come easily and appartently it sticks to u like a leech
Me: You probably can’t name one thing you’ve ever risked for someone else.
SP: I can name some but not to u just because i risked nothing for you doesn’t mean i didn’t risk anything for others. Myanne for example
Me: I spent 6 years of my life with you, gave you my all, trusted you, moved to a different country for you, supported you, loved you, I was never able to hide anything from you.
SP: Neither does myanne if thats what your getting to
Me: I would always give you a chance to explain yourself and even if I didn’t believe you I would still love you and forgive you with all your flaws.
SP: Then why are you pissed myanne is doing the same by staying with me even after i cheated. your crazy
Me: the favors I did for u in the last month.
SP: mwhat you did for me in this ‘month’ December is the month of giving anyway. Its xmas
Me: You know yourself more than anyone that you haven’t treated anyone as bad and good as you’ve treated me,
SP: Ive treated people worse i don wanna reach with u and believe me ive treated people better
Me: and then in the end when I tell you I’m your friend and I’m here for you no matter what you push me out? Who does that
SP: I do apparantly
Me: I don’t need your sympathy or a thank you that’s not what I’m looking for
I do understand. When my ex throws me crumbs I feel like I’m on top of the world. Mine has used and abused and dumped me and gotten back with me a number of times over 20 years. He has broken my heart and it is clear you are broken hearted too. He just isn’t good for you or, anyone else. If you let him he will use you to torture this other woman. Please don’t let him. He is the devil incarnate. Nothing he says can be trusted. You, on the other hand, seem to be well spoken, well educated and able to be healed. Perhaps you would benefit from some counseling. Let this jerk stew in his own juice. He is headed for a disaster. Some decent man will come along for you when you know you deserve one. You do deserve one. Quit analyzing this s.o.b. He is really not that complicated. He’s a child masquerading as an adult who is 100 percent selfish, has no conscience and does not care about you or anyone else. He has no passion therefore he can’t be intimate in ways you deserve. He’sl obot,programmed for evil. There is nothing you can do to him to truly hurt him so let lige get him…his day will come.
I broke no contact. He text I replied, we met, we had sex. And it was crap sex, even kissing him was crap. So now I’m disgusted with myself. He has an 8 week old baby and he’s sleeping with me. WTF. Actually as I typed that I realised, his wife has a new baby, there will be no sex there. He’s using me for sex. I am an idiot.
As I said earlier, as a sociopath he is incapable of real passion. I have used the word perfunctory to describe the feeble forms of love making he can perform. Gross, a shade perverted and completely unsatisfying. I can’t imagine any sociopath being any different. All you can possibly get from him is a few I love yous and a bunch of insincere compliments, nothing more. Yes, you are in the stand by position so, take yourself out. Find a great new guy, a fun hobby, take a long vacation and flip this guy off!
Hey forgive yourself. This will help strengthen your resolve with no contact. Write down how it made you feel this time. Start no contact again. Keep going. Get out that piece of paper if you feel tempted again.
I broke no contact too. And in a humiliating way. He text asked me to help him with a couple things…you know things like a live-in girlfriend would do. I replied and like the spineless person I am, I agreed to help him. He didn’t want to see me he just wanted me to do things for him…he didn’t even offer to share a cup of coffee with me as thanks. Why am I surprised??? In my head I wanted to tell him to go F— himself, but my heart answered first…stupid heart. He is still messing around with this other girl who I find out today is an unstable bi-polar…and most likely a narcissist…but she “Lights up his world”…im so hurt to know this girl gets all the loving names and I got thrown out like trash….and he still turns to me to do things for him and doesn’t even have to call me beautiful or gorgeous to get me to respond. I don’t respect myself at all…so its no wonder he doesn’t either. I’m furious that I allowed this…and can’t believe that knowing all this my heart still flutters when he calls/texts. I WANT TO GET THIS MAN OUT OF HEAD AND HEART. I am so desperate tonight. I can not see an end to this…why does he need me but not show me any kind of endearment like the others??
I meant to type he is a robot programmed for evil. Let life get him. Be happy:)
Its odd to me that a lot of people, like you said, Julie, say that their SP were horrible in bed, because for me it was the complete opposite, and what makes it very difficult for me to move on is that when I do like a guy and everything is perfect about him I will always compare the sex to my sp, and this will kill me because no one has even been close. I guess maybe its because my sp studied me so well that he just knows all the right way to please me, because I heard from his last girlfriend stories about him that made him seem like a complete different person in bed, she would describe him as the most agressive type which I guess she was into so he put on that persona for her, because with me it wasn’t like that at all, it was more passionate and gentle. So I assume just like how they mirror our feelings they also mirror what we do sexually and give us what we want. Thats why I’m surprised to hear that your sp and some others are horrible and un satisfying.
Mine was not good in bed either….but I felt so much for him I was always, and still am, sexually attracted to him. For me it was more that it was the only real time I felt intimately connected to him. Ugh.
I thought mine was awesome in bed, but now that I think about it, he was very mechanical…I was in a marriage that was not very passionate, so sex was one of my core wounds.
I remember when I was on good terms with my sp recently thinking we were finally solving our problems and we had gotten back together after all the nasty things that were said by him and his ex girlfriend, and he made a commitment that he wouldn’t speak to her again behind my back, and that if he does talk to her he tells me, I forgave all the past nasty things that were said and we had moved on. Then one day I was at work and I found out he was messaging his ex on Facebook and flirting with her telling her he misses her and wants to see her and they were talking every night saying I love you and so forth, I confronted him and called him a disgusting liar, who is so pathetic and desperate for attention, he then went on to say that he accidentally replied to her one day and got stuck messaging her, so I told him to stop with the bullshit and that I saw that he told her he loved her and you can’t accidentally type that, then he went on to give me the bullshit of I’m sorry I don’t know why I said that, she is just very manipulative and she always tries to push herself back into my life and I promise I’ll never speak to her again, you will see, I’ll change please give me a chance and he kept whining and begging and crying, I told him that this was his chance and he blew it after all this was like the 15th or so chance I gave him, I then got very angry and told him everyone would be better off if he died.
OMG, you are not going to believe the shit he did when I said that, I had hung up on him after saying that, so he called so many times, and texted me and said how dare you say that, that is so evil, I would never say something like that, that really hurt, your are the most evil heartless person ever, I can’t believe you told me that. I was furious, how dare he call me evil after all he’s done to me before… So I called him back and told him you have no right to say these things to me, your the one who not only told me to go die before, you said it with your current girlfriend at the time, and you to be exact told me, “go die, you deserve to be found in the sewage and waste in a garbage bin dead somewhere, you lifeless, heartless, human.” When I reminded him of these words he then said yes, your right, I’m so sorry now I know how it feels, but what you said really hurt, I told him I’m sorry I said that, but you have no right to make me feel bad for it, anyways I’m sorry but I do not want to talk to you, because you lied to me AGAIN after giving another chance. He then would not let it go, apologizing like crazy and demanding I talk to him, I turned off my phone, and he came and picked me up from work kept apologizing and kept telling me that he wants to call his ex gf in front of me to prove that its over, I told him I’m not like her and I’m not into that shit because it was done to me before, and I like to trust I don’t like to have to see it for myself. He then still called her just to prove as much as could he was literally doing everything possible to keep me there.
The reason I am sharing this story is to give an example of how far of lengths they will go to to prove they are innocent and that they are in love with you when they really aren’t, all because at the time he needed to use me for something of his own benefit and he wasn’t done with me yet, as you probably can predict exactly a month later he threw me away with no warning and disappeared and went back to his ex girlfriend…. Great story huh?
Now, three months later, he is done with his girlfriend for the time being and now moved back to me, and it will be a constant cycle forever, and stupid me, I need to have enough courage and pride to be done with it and not answer and give in to his lies, I would be an idiot if I didn’t. But as always my heart takes over for that lifeless shit. And I hate myself for it!!! I deserve so much better, and I’ve had guys who treated me better but he managed to belittle them and push them all away and at the time try to prove that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, only to throw me away letter or just stock me to the side until he needs me again. The part that bothers me the most is that girl that he goes back and forth to from me to her, is an absolute piece of trash, she is very low class and is nasty in the way she speaks, she is also not the prettiest of girls, not even close to pretty, she looks like a man to be exact but I don’t like to put people down, but its just astonishing to me that he can leave me for her when look wise and personality wise she doesn’t even compare. All that because he needs to use her for whatever he wants at the time. He is even embarrassed of her when he is with her as he doesn’t take her out with friends and always lies when he is with her because he is too embarrassed to admit he is dating her, with me he wasn’t like that, he would brag to all his friends and take me everywhere with him, and talk about me all the time. But he is a sociopath so of course he will date anyone no matter what they look like that probably isn’t even that important to them.
Nope. It doesn’t matter what they look like at all–only that they have something to give SPs–attention, adoration, sex, money, access to a car, food, alcohol, a vulnerable soul. They feed off it if all. A relative of my SP yesterday called him a “scavenger,” which is so true. He moves from one person to another in relationships, jobs, hobbies, residents. Nothing sticks. Many times they’ll stay married, despite multiple affairs, because the wife makes them look more legitimate. He’s got to have it together if he got her–she’s pretty (that is often the case when looks do matter to them), got a secure job, benefits, etc. But, she still has fallen prey to his game too. I wonder if they say exactly the same loving things to different women at the same time. That would be so classic–same words.
I hope you can get the courage/strength to get away before he burrows deeper and deeper into your heart, making it harder later. I got strength by writing down and rereading a list of horrible things he did or said to me that no “friend” of any kind would do. Every day I’d read it over and over. 6 months later, I’m still repeating that list in my head. Facing the truth, which is so hurtful is really hard. Denial had taken me over and I think is still there a bit because I haven’t reached acceptance that it really was all a lie yet.
You seem clear-headed about what’s going on now. It gets harder and harder to accept the longer it goes on. If you haven’t already, you’ll start to feel/see when he’s lying. They get more desperate to keep control of you. The more small things you do to stand up for yourself, the madder and meaner they get. The games get worse and meaner and more hurtful. For me, at a certain point, the pain was far outweighing the dosing he would provide (which felt great up to the end) and I was such a wreak physically and emotionally, I felt almost dead. I still haven’t got the head and heart on the same page, but that is the goal. Before I broke it off, so little of me was there anymore and no one in my life, except maybe my counselor, gets it. And, those on this site. I wish we could get together in groups, in person.
It pains me to read what you wrote. I’m sorry he’s such an ass. Very good strength and luck to you. If I can do this, and I felt I was a totally lost cause, you can do this too.
Thanks for your reply. Regarding what you said about wondering if they use the same loving words to women at the same time, this was very true for my SP, when I had spoken to his ex girlfriend and seen messages he had sent her it was as if he was speaking to me, the same nicknames and phrases, he even uses the same sorry sentences, I remember one time I was trying to convince her he is a liar so she told me I just want to call him and see what he has to say so I told her tell me what you will say to him and I’ll tell you exactly what he will say, she was shocked, she was like that is exactly what he says word for word, and how do I know that? Because he uses the same with me. Every time he apologizes about something he apologizes in the same way, at first he will say sorry I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I did that, and that I love you and you mean more to me than anyone else, you understand me unlike other people, then if I don’t believe him he will go on to turn the water works and start crying and saying he can’t believe how bad he fucked up and he wish he had another chance and that things were like they use to be.
Anyways he does the same thing with her, he also uses the same words when he is being all sweet, with very few differences, which relate to preferences of me or her, like something i like he will do or something she likes he will do. But he will change his personality completely to go with what the person expects him to do. The only difference is that he has never cried in front of his other 2 girlfriends, so that is what use to have me believe that he really does have feelings for me, since he dated me the longest and has known me the longest out of the three, the other two he only dated for 6 months- 1 year or so. But its probably all fake too.
After I found out he is a sociopath its like even when I believe what he says I can’t warm up to him like I use to and be comfortable around him, because part of me knows that there is this evil inside him, so I guess that is a good thing because even when I do get weak and agree to talk to him at least when he disappears I don’t feel hurt like before because I remember that he is just a lifeless fake person, before I use to be devastated because I would like its something I did or I’m not worthy enough. So I hope that helps others too, just know that they are the sick ones and don’t be jealous if they are with someone else because no matter what it will be a fake kind of love, there is nothing to be jealous about. However, I do understand all of you when you say its hard not to speak to them because its the same with me, even when I know how evil he can be I still fall for his shit. Because there is a comfort there somewhere, the comfort of someone understanding you for who you really are, and even though I know he uses that to his own benefit my heart just can’t let go of that connection even though its fake.
But I am glad that I have come a long way since last year, and its all thanks to this site and all you guys for helping me with your stories and knowing I’m not the only one going through this. last year before I knew he was a sp, I was humiliated by the emails he sent me with his gf and I was so jealous and felt like a a worthless shit for letting his use me, and I was so in love with him because I believed that the love we had was real. I was at the point of ultimate depression and I thought my life was over. now even when I do get weak and talk to him I am so far from that low point in my life. And I have you all to thank!
Once again, the things you have written about what your sociopath has said and done could have been said and performed by my sociopath. I don’t know you but, I have such compassion for you. When I met my sociopath I was a relatively young woman. Twenty four years later I am not so young and, I consider all the years I spent waiting for my sociopath to do the right thing wasted time and wasted effort. He honored someone else with marriage. A woman who is not attractive but widowed and presumably with good financial assets. He had to destroy me to convince her to marry him. I guess my question is, do you want to run the risk of becoming me? It could happen. Or, you can choose a better life. One filled with family, love, the good things of life. They come back to us because we let them. They will always leave us for someone newer, richer, better or, whatever. It is no fun being alone butyou are young…you will find a good guy.
I feel the same way. I want to know what happened in a lot of situations–since his life was my life, how are his kids? His job? His health? But, then I tell myself, whatever I might found out if I dug for info. would hurt me. What if he’s met another woman and is love bombing her, he’s told everyone I’m nuts, he’s doing really well job wise, etc–that would upset me more and I’m trying to heal and get away from that emotional pain. That keeps me from doing so, God I can’t let him hurt me more. Reading these posts from people who break contact reminds me of the dangers of doing so. I haven’t read one post where someone is happy they got back together.
Not knowing what he’s doing will help you break free (separate) emotionally. Really, it’s a good tool, not a bad thing, even though it feels that way now. Hang in there. You’re doing well!
I dropped off his key today as asked. In his mailbox when he wasn’t home (I must be truly repulsive)
I wanted to look through his mail – any information, any thing I can use fir revenge. But I didn’t.
I’m proud of myself because those sorts of actions are not me!!! I became this person to outwit him!! Catch up on his lies!
So head held high I walked away from.his house. Pots and things I gave him are still there. I hope it hurts him to see them every day!
Oh this is hard
Hello, tonight is my first visit here….. I wanna just say love this forum ..i have enjoyed reading these great post by true survivors soon to be thrivers! I believe the first obstacle we must get past is realizing what has just happened to us! Which we all have! The shock is devastating! Speaking subjectively, The character assination to cover their tracks, criminal acts, immoral acts is unbelievable ! How is it that someone who has taken wedding vows with you only 8 months ago has told heartbreaking lies to his family which causes division and turns them totally against you !!!!!! Who does this?! I thought, has he gone insane temporarily or lost his senses for a while but bound to realize what he has done & soon will clear your good character and name!! No! What he does is to continue to support his lies against you with more lies, backstabbing, not deceit!!! Then the serial cheating , first porn addiction /sex addiction . Now I find out 3 months ago he has been financially supporting a prostitute / sugar baby for over a year who he met on a San Francisco California business trip. Oh my god this is a nightmare ! The beginning of the end occurred 2 years ago. I forgave him, then it only got worse ,which now has brought me to this ! Sociopaths are rotten to the core. They will not back down from their lies even when caught. They have no remorse ,only pissed off bc their affairs are exposed! Pure evil …devils advocates… It is Niles’s than soul rape. They violate your heart, mind ,spirit and being as a hole… It’s like selling your soul to the devil… I am down to nothing… This man has taken my soul! But I ain’t dead yet ! I am taking my soul back piece by piece ! He will notwin He may have won a few battles over thel last 2 and a half years but he ain’t winning the war! I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and be grateful for each day he no longer is in my life … He no longer mind controls me .. I have taken that back too because it belongs to me!
Joelene – try to be strong, I understand how you feel. This week I have been missing my dead SP. Not sure why. Then I thought about how we all buy in to the idea of the “soulmate” – SPs know this, it’s their prime weapon. What I was missing was the idea of having a soulmate, I am lonely for that, he was never one, although he did a fantastic job of pretending to be! Our hearts ache for that special person to share our life with, because life can be tough and lonely, even in a crowd. I have some lovely friends, but when I’m in a group I miss being half of a couple, I only remember the good things then – and how he convinced people how much he adored me. Of course, it was rubbish, he only adored me for how I made his life easy and gave him everything. So what was I missing? The illusion. As we have all said here, they are so clever at manipulating you into believing the vision they create. It is no more real than believing yourself to be in love with a character in a film. They create the illusion on the foundation of our NEED.
I try to concentrate on how I can make things happen in my life on my own, it’s a struggle, I’m shy amongst strangers. Who knows then what wonderful things might happen? We have to be strong for ourselves. It’s ok to miss someone, to be sad, to feel a bit lonely, but the solution is not to be found in the lies and cruelty of a person who plays you as a pawn in their game.
I feel for us all. Love Lana. X
I’ve been missing him so much. The way he excited me….I let him back in this week with phone calls. He called me the last 3 days and talked to me for hours. He laughed and joked like he use to with me and I was enraptured. My heart opened to hope again…then I learned he was with her again last night. This morning I remebered why I left him. How in the end he is just using me. He will always just use me if I let him and I will always be here, alone, picking up the pieces of my heart again…
Healing Heart-I miss it too. It still astounds me how these people can be so cruel. I’m glad you’ve come to your conclusion though. It takes a last straw or last stab before you just can’t take it anymore! Maybe that was yours. Wishing you the best.
Joelene – don’t beat yourself up over it, we’ve all been there. In a way, he’s done you a favour, every time you miss him again, you can remember this episode, and how it made you feel. I bet he smiled, I can just imagine it, expect he had a thrill from thinking he has power over you – he doesn’t – you have your life and can make of it what you choose.
You are the better person because you truly FEEL – it is this capacity for love and caring that makes us vulnerable.
Thankyou x
I’m annoyed I broke nc and I was pleased when he responded.
Of course I was then gutted that he asked me to drop key in, and said he’d leave a thing of mine in the mailbox for collection. I said ‘you dint need to ask for it back. Id never break into your house! He said’i never thought ypu would bye ‘. I then said I’d drop it in. He suggested Monday. All ended politely I guess. I just want to put this in the ‘closed’ box
OMG will my heart ever be free of love for this man??? Today I am in pain and struggling. The fantasies of a life with him are so easily stoked….and the reality of his rejection of me always follows.
I wrote him a,letter saying good bye…I know I need to send it for me not for him. I need to get on with my life because it is so hard to see the beauty in my life with this damn longing and emptiness of Him hanging there. He uses me to,fill his time and soothe his emptyness, but he never fulfills mine and never will. I am full of that horrible sadness again today…but I am fighting it. I am getting busy and getting out with loved ones today…Oh heart please let him go!!!!
I understand how you feel as the last few days for me have been very challenging. I read the book, “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout ph.d during this time and it seemed to help. Sometimes I wonder if moving far away would help at all? In any event, I hope you have a good day out with friends and family and that you meet the man you really deserve:)
The sociopath reaches deep inside his victim to discover the insecurities that reside there. With their compliments and declarations of love they bandage old wounds they cannot possibly heal. In the end, as they depart with yet another victim, they rip off the bandage, exposing the old insecurities and leaving the first victim worse off than they were before they met him.
Hi, what he is doing in those periods of silence, is just keeping his options open. Sociopaths rarely let a source of supply go, ‘just in case’. So they ignore you, knowing that nothing is really closed. It is like a cat and mouse game that they play. The game will continue for as long as you allow it to continue. Sociopaths don’t think of other peoples feelings, not really. it is all about them. What they can get. You would think it reasonable, that if you don’t want to be with somebody, then just ‘end it’, but it doesn’t work like that for them. They prefer to keep the door open, just in case. 1. It makes them feel empowered, and 2. Because they can 3. They don’t like being alone. On that note, during those times of silence, don’t think for one minute that he is just ‘alone’ he isn’t he is with somebody else. He gets back in touch, just to touch base to ensure that you are not moving on. Its about ownership, possession and control. It’s the way that they work and operate.
Thank you positivagirl for that explanation of why they go silent. I wondered for years even before I came across this site and after I did, why does he do that, why does he disappear and not answer any calls and I would send him messages begging him to end it with me, or tell me whats going on so I can know and he would never. and he would just reappear sometimes for a couple days sometimes for weeks sometimes for months, and act like nothing happened, always making lame excuses like I wasn’t near my phone, I was so busy with work, I had problems. I would tell him after years of him doing this, its getting old, this is like the 20th time, and you’ve said all these excuses before, and promised you wouldn’t again. There is nothing in the world that could stop you if your still alive from picking up the phone and calling me or texting me just once, nothing! and he would in the end just keep saying sorry, your right, I’m stupid I didn’t think of that, I was over whelmed any bullshit but he will never admit he did it on purpose, and the ONLY time he will reappear from hiding is when I send him a message telling him fuck you I’m not waiting for you this time I’m done and I would block him then he would appear right away, and from reading what you said now it makes total sense!!
He is actually talking to me these days since I told him that, and I told him that I swear if he disappears again without warning I’m gone for good and I mean it, and he can sense I really mean it this time because I’ve changed and the look in his eyes when I said that, was like a puppy wanting food that he can’t get. He was like no please don’t say that I promise I won’t I won’t. But knowing him he will probably last a few months max and disappear again he will never take it seriously until I really do leave and even if I do well he can find a new target, even though I’m his favorite so he treats me with a bit of special priority. But its just sickening thinking of it that way, Just knowing that the person you thought was your soul mate and spent 7 years of your early adult life with and lost your virginity to is actually a fucking soulless shit robot. That treats me like something he owns his stupid toy he plays with when he gets bored. Its just sick! But I’m glad I found this site because if I didn’t I would have been the mess I was before I did, always thinking that it was something wrong with me and feeling heart broken, now when he disappears I don’t get heartbroken anymore I just get upset that I let it happen to me again, because how can something with no heart break your heart…..
Thank you again positivagirl you have no idea how much you’ve helped me! and I actually will find the courage to not wait for him to disappear this time, and just disappear myself before he does.
Yesterday marked two years after the last time we see each other, but he still sending me messages and trying to contact me. Not to see our daughter, but to say “It was so fun to be with you if you want to have fun again call me”. I didn’t answer and his messages turn around to the usual, “you are a bitch, a whore. That’s the reason I’m not with you. I’m ashamed of being with you. I will sue you, and ask for a DNA test…etc” They always are looking for ways to get around. In my case he was always who reject me, at the end I was the one who have to stop all contact. No contact is the only answer. When you answer to their advances you give them fuel to keep the control over your life. Our girl is now a teenager and she was the one who asks me to stop any communication with him.
I haven’t seen him in 2.5 months. We have talked and text…and each time my heart desperately waits for the endearments that he misses me. Or the acknowledgement that his life is less without me. The words never come from him because they can’t. For some reason my SP never used endearments to keep me…he could be very sincere in other ways and would always speak of and demonstrate “remorse” for not being able to give me more or love me the way I wanted and needed. Through therapy I am beginning to I understand that he knew my character and knew I would only try harder.
But today none of it matters because I am so full of missing him. I loved waking up with him. I loved playing board games and drinking coffee and watching television with him. I was so proud to be seen with him because I thought he was so handsome and so exciting. I am trying desperately to force those feelings out and remember the ugliness of him and our relationship…his silent treatments and lies. The way he would twist situations to make me sound crazy and him the victim. The way he isolated me and made me feel I was never enough…never enough.
There is another man in my life who wants to be with me. He is kind. And I am ashamed that I cant feel for him the way I feel for the bastard SP that broke my soul and ripped out my heart….and continues to. Everyday I beg to find a way to loosen his grip on me.. to find the strength to walk away for good. Will that day ever come?
Reading your post I very much feel for you and what your going through. I realized however sociopaths will only give u as much words and actions as you need. I realized this because my sp would try harder with his other girlfriend because she was more of a pain in the ass and with me when I started to not give in to his lies right away and ask to see proof of actions he would work hard and try to sweet talk with the words so much more so it’s all based on how much it takes for them to own you again.
The part you mentioned about meeting someone new but not able to have feelings for them like your sp this I can relate to. I remember before I knew he was a sociopath we had broken up because of family reasons and drug related issues as he was in rehab at the time and a lot of good guys came along and I would have fun with them and be attracted and everything but always a part of me longed for the relationship I had with my ex. Especially the sex I would always compare and it was not anything compared to what I had with him but I use to ask myself why can’t I like this man when he is giving me everything a decent boyfriend should. He would treat me so nicely that I thought it was weird. I wasn’t use to be treated well and being admired and cared for and having him always want to spend time with me and such that I pushed him away fast. It’s almost like my sp turned me into an evil person who now likes being treated that way and always having to fight for my relationship. I got use to relationships being harder than that that I thought what I had with the other guy was weird and that he was clingy and I pushed him away fast especially when my sp got out of rehab and talked to me I ran right back into his evil arms. While with him I stayed away from all guys, I would always cry and wonder wil I ever find someone that I love as much as him and what is it that I love so much about him. Is it just the comfort in him as I known him since I was 18 and spent 7 years with him, living with him and him being my first love. But I would be so devastated, I wanted to find someone I would fall as in love with as him. But when I would think it’s because of the familiar feel of the relationship that made me love him I realized that I fell in love with him the first day I met him and I know that’s not possible but it happened I think that’s from how good they are at charming and mirroring.
Anyways so you don’t lose hope after 4 months of no contact and learning he was with a new girlfriend that he was somewhat serious with as he had been with her for longer than half a year which is the longest since me, I tried to move on and I came across a great guy, cute, a gentleman, took care of me, always cared for me and for my feelings, a Harvard law graduate with a great job. Everything was perfect even sex was great. But stupid stupid foolish me my sp called me and I answered and although j was hesitant I let him back into my life again and as soon as he learned j was happy with this new guy he started saying oh he is great for you, of course you would want to be with him, I fucked up the chance we had together and I don’t deserve another, he played the feel bad for me Act. Kept going on about how he fucked up and it’s too late and how he always wanted to marry me and he was blinded by his so called manipulative ex, and I’ve always been his soulmate and I continued seeing that guy but he traveled for a few months and sp took his chance and he passed. He saw that I wasn’t yet commited to this new guy and swept right in, dumb me I didn’t realize he was still with his gf and when I found out he ended it with her right away to keep me in the loop.
Anyways he did everything he could until I fell for him again and lost the other guy. Then disappeared again however still reappears to check in. So my point of this story, you will find a great guy once you open your heart to someone new and do no contact and forget about him. When I met this guy I had gone 4 months didn’t see him and 2 months I didn’t even think of him often or at all. And I met someone new and got that excitement I hadn’t felt in years, just don’t be dumb like me and screw it up and let. Your sp fool you, just be thankful you found someone great with a real heart and tell your sp to go fuck himself 🙂 I wish I had known what I do now then.
And I still hope that I will find something great again someday soon 🙂
Healing heart,
The day will come when you decide that you don’t want him on your life. I’m talking seriously here, please stop the communication, the texting, the emails, that only give you desperation and to him new ways to control you. It’s not easy but you have to be strong.
I have been thinking about what makes my sp so attractive to me. Mine is cute but not exceptionally good looking. He’s short, a hundred pounds too heavy and not that intelligent. If I see him I fall instantly in love. His hugs are so warm and reassuring. He makes me feel calm. I remembered years ago that I used to visit in a particular prison. I didn’t know anyone, I went to spend time with people who were all too often forgotten. I was not the only one that visited. Anyway, I met this man there. He was big as a mountain. We sat together in the chapel. Whenever I sat next to him I had the same feeling I had with my sp, warmth and safety. I was informed that I needed cto exercise caution with him as, he was a dangerous serial rapist. This man got me thinking about my sp. Could it be that their lack of emotion mimicks calm, safety, even love? I have to wonder if this might be 90 percent of the hook? They seem like they are at rest when they are actually nothing more than a dry well. Idk but it seemed potentially significant at least in my situation.
Julie,
What you say about the calming and safety effect of the SP is exactly what I felt from mine! It is so odd to me that we are anything but safe but they are so good at projecting this calm, stillness. I used to comment on it to him all the time. He is a quiet man…in terms of his demeanor. He likes to talk and does so pretty regularly, but he is also very quiet…he watches people. He sits back, very casually and very comfortably and people just seem to gravitate to him. He seems to know a lot about a lot of things and dazzles people with charming intellect. He makes women blush and always comes off as if he is just being a sincere gentleman. These things always attracted me to him. I can remember vividly the very first time we met…I fell instantly. We knew each other for a very long time before we became intimate…im talking years. We were both married and I just wasn’t “his type.” He never let me forget that, although the past 2 years he couldn’t get enough of me. I think that’s what is so hard for me…he says he doesn’t want to be alone and yet he didn’t want me, he rejected me….but he also wont let me go, not completely. His actions and his words were never the same. He held me and touched me as if he could consume me….and I guess metaphorically he was. But his words were never loving. I moved out because I thought I could manage our relationship better with some distance. I also secretly hoped he would ask me not to leave….that he would reveal love for me. And while he did “grieve” me leaving at first I now know it was because he was losing regular access to his “supply.” Once he found a new supply ( which took only a couple weeks) he turned cold and hateful and even our long-term friendship no longer mattered. I question these things all the time….I question everything I feel and see with him. Its the only way I know to eventually let go for good.
I am frightened because I miss the Him I believed I loved and I know that one invitation back to see him could start this whole cycle again….especially since I think the new lover has disconnected to some degree. I deserve more than to be his option #2, his back up supply, his entertainment for lonely times. I was and am a generous partner and passionate lover that is devoted and sincere….odd how that just isn’t enough for him???? And odd that I believed I was safe with him???
Thhey are all so similar. It’s like they are all haunted by the same demon from hell. Mine married his latest victim the 5th of December. He hasn’t attempted to contact me first since last May when I told him I had cancer. I have gotten him to answer a text or two. Weird but, he never broke up with me primarily because he wants me to go away, just not very far away. I feel confident he’ll call when his honeymoon is over and when he thinks I can forgive him. They are dispicable but irresistable too. They are like the hallow chocolate Easter egg,nothing on the inside but dreamy creamy lovely sweetness on the outside unless their done or, angry. I don’t really know if you ever really get over one unless you find another one to get involved with. So rateful for this site since we all need to vent and the similarity in our stories helps me realize I’m not crazy as he says…just broken, sad, lonely and angry. All very normal emotional reactions to being treated like crap. Thank you for your story and your empathy.
Gosh I could have written that post!!! My ExSP also made me feel safe bur 5 mths before he ended it, I was trying to think.of ways to get him to end it. I knew he’d never let me stay friends if I did it!!
So for all his safety I felt, there was this underlying feeling that every hour eith him took away from.my self confidence and esteem. I could feel.it sucking the life out of me
It’s ended and I have to accept it and rejoice in it. As hard as it may seem, it is definitely for the best
I think.thats a great point.!!! My ex sp was calm, easy going…. I always put it down to being worldly and wise with a simplistic approach. Now maybe it’s because he truly didn’t care about other people and had the knack for saying exactly what people wanted to hear!! His calm words of advice were things he never meant, never cared enough to experience. But things he knew should be said St times Luke those.
An excellent mimic
Your right, they are good at making you feel calm, which is weird because they have no feelings, the hardest part of admitting he was a sociopath after all those years knowing my sp was the face that I couldn’t believe all his feelings were fake. He is probably the most compassionate person and empathetic person I’ve known. He would listen to me talk for hours and say things to relax me and make me feel better, and not once would he switch the focus on himself. I thought he was my best friend, but they are good at storing information about us I think thats what makes them so good and being there for us is that they know us so well from observation not from love.
Until now even after all the evil things he has said to me I still feel comfortable talking to him, and I hate that. Why is it that the only person I opened up to in my life and trusted is a sociopath!!
Something that I always thought odd about him though that makes so much sense now is the fact that he would sometimes humiliate people he doesn’t know and I would tell him how could you do that, you hurt their feelings, but not one sense of remorse. Then ironically when he was with his other girlfriend at the time and wanted to make me look like a crazy person he also said very hurtful things, that I shared on here, I could not believe that this caring person who I thought was my best friend and boyfriend for 7 years could say these horrific things to me and not feel any guilt or shame…Little did I know…
I assume that healthy humans project their emotions to one another all of the time (without saying a word). Is it possible a depressed person can bring others down simply by being in their vicinity? On the other hand, since sociopaths have no feelings they do not project anything…leading others to believe that they are at rest when really they are hallow. In other words we mistake this blank state for emotional depth, peace, love,comfort, safety. I think this how the serial rapist could make me feel so comfortable. Can you imagine how easy it would be for him to lure victims with his ability? I was never afraid of him and, he could have killed me easily even with guards standing by. In my case, I think this how my sp kept me around. I wanted to feel his peace…which really never existed.
It is definitely spooky how similar all of these guys are. As I mentioned earlier, it is almost like they are haunted by the same demon. It sure seems like there is a play book out there for sociopaths only and they simply use the same moves over and over in every time and location on earth.
My sp tried to humiliate me once and, I set him straight. It never happened with me again but, I bet his three wives received/receive such comments all of the time. In the end, I know I was too healthy for him since I would stand up to him. Those that they marry are weak and extremely easy to control. That is what they are looking for. To an extent mine controlled me but there was a limit to what I would put up with, and he knew it. I think all of us on this site are like that…we were too independent to make a final cut. Good enough to keep in second place holding position but too risky for marriage. We just would not comply as directed.
I broke down and saw my sp. It has been almost 3 months. As proof of his hold on me his invite was crude but I jumped immediately. I had made plans for my evening and immeadiately without hesitation altered course…letting others down in my insatiable need to be with him. I hate myself for behaving this way. The difference this time was that I was completely concious of what I was doing and when I was with him what he was doing. It was like a silent commentary in my head from everything I’ve been learning on this site and from therapy. He was the same for the most part…but seemed angrier than usual. He seemed to struggle between wanting to be ingratiating to me and being in control of me emotionally with outspoken warnings that he didn’t want any drama from me. I know now this is his projection of himself on me. He “allowed” us to speak about our relationship, him asserting once again that things went wrong because I broke the rules of getting too involved and wanting too much from him. He of course reitterated that he never felt more than friendship for me….strange that never seemed the case during sex??? A lot of sex. Right. He even eventually loosened up and talked about his recent relationship with new girl that swept him off his feet which apparently blew up within weeks, suprise!! No suprise. I sat and listened to him and for the first time ever, I didn’t believe him…nothing he was saying. I knew it was either a lie or a projection or both. Don’t get me wrong, I was also completely, crazily attracted to him the entire time, like a magnet. If he had initiated sex I’m pretty sure I’d have gone along. Sad truth. And that’s where all my work lies with me. I want him still…at least my heart and body do. My head is screaming, get out, run!
So here I am feeling somewhat relieved that I got the opportunity to hear his version of our break up and yes even be in his presence again, but I am also feeling frightened of knowing he can pull me back in so easily. Of hearing him say he doesn’t want me while at the same time not letting me go. He even admitted he couldn’t let me go. So like you said Julie, in their eyes not good enough for top position but make a great back up supply and #2 girl. I don’t know what will happen now… I know I don’t want to live the life I had with him before…because I’ve learned so much I no longer feel calm or safe with him. I am becoming angry for once that he doesn’t value me. I still feel so much compassion too ( he has real health issues) and my heart is still convinced I love him and want him. Most of his words didnt stick to me the other night, but I wanted him to touch me and physically be with me again. I wanted him to “FEEL” something for me. He can’t. The next morning I heard from him and he was upset because he said he could tell I didn’t believe him about something…he could see I am changing toward him and maybe that will save me. For now I am trying to let go…just keep letting go. I want to be in different to him. I look forward to a day I don’t think about him anymore.
I saw this posted on another site, it said ” I learned today that every cell in our bodies completely desinegrates and is remade new every 7 years. How nice it is to think that one day I will have a body you will have never touched.” 💔
I could have written almost every word of that. I’ve broken NC and I go between being very aware of the conniving manipulative monster that he is, questioning everything he says or does, knowing it is mostly lies to craving hearing his voice and being near him. Even when I know I’m his #2 – would never have been #1, his back up when he isn’t getting what he needs. It’s all about him. The thing is and I mean this, he’s no longer the strong loving man I was attracted to and I know this, when I see him, he looks pathetic, small like a liar.
I know we will get there. This site helps me to understand the games and cruelness. xxx
I swear I know exactly what u mean because the same happens to me when my sp calls me I would instantly cancel any plans I have and meet him even if he screwed me over before. It’s so odd that we all feel the same its like they all have this evil power over us that gets is attached to them no matter what they do. And I completely understand what you mean when you said you were analyzing in your head and knowing he’s a liar but still wanted to touch him. I regret it everytime I will see my sp even when I knew he was lying about having broken up with his current gf I would try so hard to not give in to any intimacy but I would fail everytime and hate myself afterwards. My sp also did like yours and called me after I saw him saying he feels I’ve changed toward him and don’t believe what he says. It bothers them so much to know that we know what they are up to and not give into their shit. They are all the same. Reading these posts just mak me realize how fake they are they all act exactly the same as if they are a robot programmed the same way, no distinct personalities. I wish us all the strength to walk away for good. I just told my sp I won’t be talking to him anymore because he is never there for me when I need him and I’m sick of it. He didn’t even respond and I’m happy he didn’t because wh n he does I get weak. I hope I have the strength to leave him for good this time. I really do. And for all of you too.
Much love
I seriously feel the same exact way and it’s hard to have someone tell you to stop talking to them. It’s literally a gut wrenching feeling them not being around; your head knows it’s wrong, but your heart has the faintest clue. It’s all a game they play though. Mine did the same with me, tells me about someone they like a day after they broke my heart. They had no emotion and when I would show emotion they would become defensive and only show rage.you think that this person is real but everything about them is a lie. I was a puppet, just like you and I still am kind of, but I’m fully aware now. They tell me that they never want to talk to me again pretty much everyday and then continue contacting me and giving false hope. It’s very scary that someone can have a hold on you like that…I feel stupid and ashamed for even playing said games. Every day is going to be a battle. No contact world for me for about 5 days and then they blew my phone up. They want to use you, emotionally and physically..i really hope you see that you aren’t alone and yes, one day they will be just a memory and a life lesson.
I just finished reading your post and tears are running down my face. I’m crying for you and me and all of the good people who have posted here. Onlly aother victim of an sp truly understands the agony of being taken in as we have been. In some strange way I have measure of compassion even for these perpetrators since it seems that of their actions…they can do no other than what they do. I feel exactly as you do, so satisfied with crumbs but the crumbs are what keep us connected to them. We all deserve better but until we really know that, we’ll get no better. It is for certain I do not know that. Best wishes to you, since you sound like you are getting so healthy. One day things will be better.
I wish I knew what to say without feeling ashamed….I have been staying in contact with my ex /SP. I have only seen him once and have thwarted other invitations but am talking to him regularly again. I hate that he makes me feel so excited and hopeful…I know it is all just his charm and keeping me close as he has no one else right now. He even openly talks about looking for his next relationship…as if we are some kind of buddies not ex-lovers. Its then I am reminded he is despicable, without a conscience and can not feel anything for anyone else….is all about him and his need to feel whole. I will be replaced again assuredly and with just as much crudeness as before. This is why I am ashamed to admit what I am doing. But I also know that if I sit in silence and deny my actions and keep it hidden I will continue on without the hope of ever healing and letting go. If I am to be free of him I have to get support for where I am now and where I need to go.
It does feel different this time. I am weary of him. I am constantly aware of what I am doing and what he is doing….its my stupid heart that cant seem to get it straight! DAMN. The fantasies are still there…the life and the love I want from him dies hard….and continues to take pieces of me with it. I am part of his collection…nothing more. Some days it seems hopeless that I will ever have a day that I wont desire him and feel the pain of being rejected by him.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. If mine called today, and he is married, I would make some excuse to see him. That is today. In 6 months I hope I will be different and, I think you might be too.:)
I do want to believe that. This man has been dee in my heart for years…it almost feels as if he needs to be cut out.
My friends are furious with me and have even told they will have nothing more to do with it or me. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic so I keep to myself. Which I know keeps me hooked in this cycle. Thanks for being out there and willing to share and support!
HH
They are as a drug an we are addicted to them. Please stop contacting him It is the only answer.
Could you move far away? I know this is easier said than done but, a new place, new life? Maybe it would help. I’ve considered it but I am too obligated where I live now. It’s hard because you can remember times that were good but, in the end the bad always outweighs the good. If you’re getting therapy, stick with it. It will help. I am sorry you are feeling so bad.
As short and sweet as I can say it…if you want to move on and be happy, no contact is the answer. Six months after my socio discarded me, with no home or job and a teenage son to raise, I am happy, strong and dating a wonderful new man. The ex-SP was blocked from my and my son’s cell phones the day he delivered the last of my things back in August, and my friends respect my need to not hear anything about him. I promise…no contact works…do it right this minute and stick to it!!!!!!
I am so thankful for this site. I was married to a sociopath for four years, friends since we were 13 (I am now 34). I am at the stage of my life where I feel he will never go away, he will never let me be happy, and he will never let me have a successful, loving marriage with my new husband. My ex husband and I share two kids in common and he uses them as an excuse to talk to me still. This man has ruined my life financially, emotionally, and mentally. I’ve lost my home, a promising career (b/c he wanted revenge) and now I think he is moving onto my new marriage. I just want happiness, and I really don’t know what to do anymore. The local law enforcement “enforces” when they feel like it, and in the end I feel like I look like the nut job to everyone. Does anyone have any advice?
~There is so much more that he has put me and the children through, I just kept it short for now, our history together is from the age of 13 and I am now 34.
My heart goes out to you as your story is the same as mine except I darent meet a new guy yet as my ex will ruin it I too lost my job and my sanity due to my ex wanting to sabotage my life he still appears now and then to call me all the names under the sun, I got inconsistent support from the police so I got a civil non molestation order I dont have children so it was a little easier but try and contact the council in your area and ask if they have a domestic violence department please let me know how you get on and stay strong he WILL give up eventually xxx
I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. We have gone through many things, good times and bad. Most of the bad times revolved around substance abuse and addiction. She had serious issues with it in her own past(years before we were together), and in our past together, and now again in our present. Although NOT all the bad times, including infidelity and other problems, were during one of these periods of drug use.
It’s very long and involved, basically she got on Adderall a while after we got together in college. And she was very much over prescribed and kept getting her dosage upped along with adding stuff like kolodipin and anti-depressants. She would take way too many and run out then survive by getting them from others but still be super depressed and stuff. She was prescribed like 90mg a day and would take 2-3x that sometimes. This came to a fever pitch after she failed out of school and later basically got herself arrested because she called the cops for me not giving her pills.
She got clean and we moved on with our lives and things seemed better, not perfect but better, for a long time….
Flash forward to now, she was promoted at work and finally was able to start putting in 50/50 financially, before this she put in but basically just paid for groceries and fast food and stuff. My loans(and parents) supported us though college and my job(and parents) have for years since. Her pay still does not fully cover 1/2 of our expenses but close. This itself has been a source of contention between us because she still wants to have her own money that she can do whatever she wants with and I feel as if we have been in this for 7 years together and she should contribute everything she is able financially. Our budget includes entertainment and allowance for personal stuff but she still insists having her own money outside of the joint account. I still make more than her and still put in a little more for bills and I understand her point of view and wish she made more so she could cover half and still have money left but the fact is that probably will never happen now that she is disabled…
She was injured at work and is on workers comp and now on pain management and has been diagnosed with CRPS. And is again prescribed what is obviously too much and she kept getting her dosages upped and upped. Again she has not been able to manage the pills herself and was taking much more than prescribed(Opana, Percocet, Kolodipin, Muscle relaxer) and again I am in charge of her meds because she went off the deep end and was taking 9 – 15mg Opana per day instead of 3. For months she went though the same cycle as the Adderal. Taking too many for a week or two then running out and being depressed. Later I found out that when she ran out she was getting by on her Percocet and was begging more pain meds from my mom and paying them back putting her in an even worse cycle. And she was also stealing them from my mom when she unable to give my gf more bc mom was running low. I have since taken over her meds and she’s more or less been on track with them but I feel like we constantly go though this game where she wants extra or to take them early and if I say no we fight or she just sleeps until its time.
ANYWAY. The reason I’m describing all this is I feel like things could be back to livable if she were to get clean again. She is currently trying to get a spinal simulator from workers comp but even then gets upset if I bring up the idea of getting off the meds completely. I feel as if I want to be the rescuer but end up the persecutor because we fight every day about something to do with her meds and dependence.
After much reading online and this site in-particular, MANY of the things sound all too familiar. In-fact I even see myself in some of this, although I see her in MUCH more of it.
Although, somethings are throwing me off. For instance, she does not have a high sex drive, or any at all really. She uses it for power and control and even brings it up in fights, how “I only want her for sex”, and other crazy things. (On that note, now that she puts in a lot and we are dependent on her income, she also often says “I only want her for the money”). But it is more like some chore for her and I have never seen a huge sex drive out of her. Which she has always blamed on the fact that she was sexually abused by her adoptive father. Which honestly after reading some things on here, i fear may have always been a lie.
I guess the question is, am I kidding myself by thinking it’s the addiction or finding things that don’t match up with her being a sociopath when so much of it does? I haven’t even gone into all the things that do line up because it really is a ton of it….
Such as, lies and betrayal, victim playing(she is textbook), all sorts of deflection and twisting words and situations or misinterpreting to suit her, lack of empathy, guilt, boundary issues(working 80hrs+ trying to hold the store together, helping a friend pay rent with money we needed for bills and fabricating a huge web of lies trying to cover it up) she is always so committed to the lies too, will never admit it even with proof in her face, she seems to have no remorse, or shame. I’ve said so many times that she is never really sorry because she doesn’t actually learn anything from the mistakes.
But there are just some things that really stick out that seem to be hallmarks of the disorder that I don’t see such as the sex drive, charisma, and conscious manipulation(these are things i see in myself btw).
We are about to find a new house to rent in a new city and I just don’t know what to do. My instinct is to wait it out another year. By then the workers comp should be settled and she will probably have the simulator and be on less medication and things might go back to how they were. I’m constantly wanting back the person that I met and fell in love with, I’d even be happy with the person that moved to Colorado with me 2 years ago. Also I consider sticking it out at least that long now that she has significant income and is helping to pay off some of the debt I’ve(we) amassed over the years. And I am basically dependent on our combined income at this point. At the very least another year will help me figure out what to do with my life financially without her while paying the bills in the meantime.
Thanks for reading and any response. This was meant to be a 5 min post. Maybe next I’ll write out the whole story and publish it, lol.
Hi, just stumbled across this site and am ever so thankful as it explains so so so much for me. Can totally relate. Basically most of what people have described is my relationship with a sociopath. I am on here to try and get some support, as I have tried, time and time again to break free, but keep getting reeled back in again. I’ve tried no contact. There is a current domestic violence order (DVO) against him (placed by police), but this hasn’t stopped him, and unfortunately I have weakened and responded to his contact. Thought we could be friends, as then he would leave me alone, but that doesn’t work, as he’s supposedly changed, receiving counselling, and I’m the best thing to happen to him, and we should remember all the good times, blah blah blah. He’s not going to lie anymore and so on. That lasts about a day. Then the excuses as to why he lied, and its my fault that he lied. Anyway, looking for support, to stay strong and stay away from him and implement ‘no contact’ forever. I want to get off this merry-go-round so badly. Even had hypnosis – but this failed. I have 1900km away from him to a larger city, as previous town was too small (and DVO of staying 50m away from my house was totally ignored). Luckily he is it not financial enough to move at the moment, and I haven’t revealed my new mobile number, or new address to him. But he says he is saving to move to the same city as me – arggghh. I’ve told him repeatedly that he is the reason I moved – to get away from him, but he doesn’t listen. We are soul mates and are meant to be together – arghhh. Unfortunately I do have feelings for him, so I keep going back, but only to be rudely re-introduced to his lies, manipulation and crap – yet again. Can someone please wake me up? I have a PhD and am an intelligent woman, but feel so stupid that I can’t break free. Any ideas/tips on sticking to no contact, especially with Valentines Day coming up and him promising to treat me to the best weekend away, and spoil me etc if I return to our home town. So far it’s been nearly 24 hours since I re-blocked him – so no messages. Need to stay strong. Wish me luck.
Thanks positivagirl. Its now nearly 48 hours. Hoping I can do it this time – long term.
Hi Purdy – I wish you luck with your struggle with this man – luck and courage and love for yourself, which is something that gets eroded in such a destructive relationship. He will be a pathological liar if he’s a true sociopath, he probably believes his own lies, and justifies them because they get him what he wants. A sociopath will try to convince you of the depth and strength of his love – but it’s rubbish, he only loves you for what you give to him. Always ask yourself -” what is he gaining from this?” I guarantee it will be something, money, attention, a roof over his head, praise or the glory of having a loving partner on his arm. IT VALIDATES HIS EXISTENCE. It’s always all about him.
It’s not easy trying to cut yourself off, you just have to surround yourself with people who treat you decently, not shower you with empty words. Try to forget the words, try to concentrate on his actions. Put yourself in his place – would you do those things to someone you truly loved? And if it was the other way round, would he stand by you, would he pursue you eternally if you had treated him cruelly?
I’m going to try to paste an email on this site from my dead sociopath lover. He managed to keep reeling me in for 28 years. Only now, when I read his emails from the time when he was desperate to make his life with me (he had nothing, no money, no job, no contact with his son, no assets nothing.) only now do I see what he was doing. At the time I believed it all. Please do not believe your man’s lies, remember what he has done to you. Keep strong! We are thinking of you. Lana x
Yes he is either a pathological or compulsive liar. He never stops lying to everyone. He did manage to reduce the number of lies and sought treatment for his lying, but it never lasts. His latest lie was that he did a sociopath test with his psych and scored 81% (narcissistic sociopath) – and was now working with his psych on it and that his psych could cure him. Then I tested him and he got angry and said he hadn’t done the test, but just said that to me as that’s what I wanted to hear. So that was the final straw – 2 days ago. So I’m still not sure if he did the test, or whether he is seeing a psych (as I’ve been asking for evidence of him attending sessions). He also has a long plea sentence hearing coming up 1st March (for breaches of current domestic violence order – DVO the police took against him) so he is currently in rehab and getting a psych report done – to avoid jail time I am tipping, rather than get better. If he is even seeing a psych, I am sure she only hears half the truth, and he manipulates and lies to her to achieve his own needs. I can see so clearly through his lies, but still get reeled in by his gaslighting and love bombs, and how he’s going to get better blah blah blah. I understand the no contact in theory, but am struggling, as I have moved to a new city, new office, and don’t have friends and social circle yet, and am lonely. I do get on the phone to friends, but I am used to his texts, messages 24/7. Anyway, I’ll get there and appreciate your comments and this site and reading everything – to keep myself busy.
Hi Purdy, once again it is amazing how similar our experiences are. I feel for you trying to stay away with no contact, it’s hard because loneliness is at the heart of it, and a need to be loved. It will take a little time to build a new life with new friends, but you will do it and discover better friendships as a result of your knowledge. We all want that special connection with someone who can walk through life with us and share good times and bad, but a sociopath is not that person, no matter how much they may try to convince everyone!
Your man is probably doing exactly what he told you – telling you what you want to hear. That is their power, they know what you want to hear. They feed on your hopes and dreams. I found an email from mine saying that he wanted to be like a vampire and feed from me – that’s exactly what he did, but not in the Romantic way I interpreted!
I trained as a counsellor because I could see that counselling had no effect on my SP – he just charmed the counsellor and got a kick out of pulling the wool over her eyes. He claimed that she blamed his family, his past and me for his problems, nothing was ever his fault. What sort of rehab is your man in? Mine was an alcoholic, went into rehab more than once, it never worked. I’m sorry to sound cynical, but an SP will spend their entire life and all their energy convincing everyone that they’re wonderful and don’t have a problem, unfortunately, they are often charming and plausible, that’s how they succeed. Because they have no conscience, they never feel bad about what they’ve done.
I hope that you manage to break away, but I fully understand the need that you feel. I write a blog sexwineandlies.com because I still have feelings for my dead SP and I don’t understand how this is possible. I think the blog shows how our minds can be manipulated even though we are rational, intelligent beings. Best of Luck, Purdy, don’t be hard on yourself, just concentrate on the little things that make you happy. Lana x
Sorry to hear your story–especially that he’s moving to your city. NC is very difficult, but possible. I nearly died (VERY depressed), but made it out by getting really pissed–a last straw and going NC with no discussion (pointless). I totally understand the painful draw. You could make day-long plans on Sunday with single friends. That’s what I’m doing. 7 months NC and I’m dreading V-day too. One Valentine in 5 years… Hang in there. The start is the worst. One day is one day, a step ahead. Good luck. If I can do it, being a total emotional wreck for years who could barely get out of bed, couldn’t work, or relax, you can do it.
Hi Making it Out. Thanks for your comments and support. Unfortunately I am flying back to my home town (13-19 Feb) and staying with friends, but all my friends are partnered and assume will be doing their own special Valentines Day things. He hasn’t moved yet, he still has a court hearing 1st mar (hoping he gets jail time – but laws are so weak in Aust), and he has no job, and in rehab (to look good for court) atm so I have some space and time as he is not financial to move either. Although he has cousins or something in the city – that he muted he could move in with, but not sure how long they will put up with him for. Another problem is his parents support him financially, for example are paying his rent for him while he is in rehab, so he has a place to go to when he gets out. Anyway, hoping I’ll fly in this weekend and avoid him at all costs. He does know I arrive Sat afternoon, and previously he has turned up at airport knowing which flight I was on. Just got to stay strong this time.
@Purdy,
No contact is the only answer. And that means no contact at all. You have to search for family and good friends. Every time you have the temptation to answer his calls or his message resist the urge. Delete the message immediately. Call another person. Respond the message and send it to you instead of him. It’s not easy, but I assure you it will come better with time. I have an on and off relationship with mine and after a lot of years of this loop, at last I can say I’m free. You will be there. Give it time and no contact. Don’t give up.
I’m hoping this email will show how a true sociopath operates:
How I wish we were alone, at this very minute, I would gently massage your temples with essential oils,[ peppermint and lavender work wonders for headaches.] I am sure you know that.Then, hold you in my arms until you drifted away into a painless and peaceful
sleep, and and keep holding you until you awoke, rested, refreshed and demanding coffee!
Oh dear, how I love you my dear Lana,
I am empty, lost and wandering, selfishly and anxiously awaiting our time.
J&J send their love and continue to ask when they will see you again, I said “probably
not until after Christmas, but it would not surprise me if she walked through the door in the next few minutes ”
Murphy and his man came into Saddlers this evening and came to see us right away,
I did stroke him for you.[ the dog, not the man! ]
I love you so much Lana
Try Deep Purple “Soldier of Fortune” u tube,
Beautiful ballad, always reminded me of us,
I love you, without end, Guy. Xxxxxxxxxxxx
Please note – he knows how much I love animals, so talks about a dog. Says how he wants to care for me (rubbish) and finally uses a song reference – this is something he did all the time, sociopaths cannot express their own feelings (they don’t have any) so they pick them from somewhere else. All the same, if you’re emotionally vulnerable this email would be very compelling, don’t you agree? Lana x
No contact is the answer…I don’t have to delete messages, because I blocked him from my cell phone and my son’s. Do it…it makes the healing begin that much sooner!!!
Dating a Sociopath 
@lanalana5
Thank you for your insight. Your words so accuratemy describe where I am in this healing process and my intense feelings of grief. Letting go of him is tearing me a part but it really is just a continuation of the emotional torture of being in a relationship with him. I realized last night that although he continues to contact me he has de-personalized me. His messages are only about him and he never asks about me, my life or well-being. In fact when I pressed recently he irrately retorted that he wouldn’t answer my questions nor would he ask me any. This movie that plays over and over in my head skips all the painful parts and pauses on the times I found myself living the fairytale. I know I have obsessive thinking and complicated grief and that I need to get out of my head. I know he will use me as long as I let him….and yet like you said I cling to any piece of the wreckage in deluded hope he will want me and affirm that I am loveable.I have come to believe that is why he witheld words of love, it was his tool to get me to try harder and give him more attention and be what he wanted. He knew and knows how desperately I wanted his love. Writing this and knowing this makes me sick and ache with such sadness. I thought about no contact all night long….about blocking him and deleting him. My enmeshment in his life, they way he added me to so many accounts and forums makes this seem overwhelming. I also have relationships with his children and other relatives as well as professional colleagues. I am overwhelmed at the task of no contact….but I know I must begin to do it.
Thanks again for listening. It helps to get this out of my head. I wish you well in journey too!
We are here for you xxx
@Healing Heart
You will get through this – just keep remembering the bad parts. Emotionally vulnerable people are a bit obsessive, I recognise that in myself, but from your words I can’t see what there is to love about this man. I think I was consumed with lust for my SP for decades – maybe it is the same for you. He is a narcissist so any attention will gratify him, even if he pretends to be annoyed by your persistence. People used to say to me – “walk away” but I just couldn’t do it. I studied counselling and discovered that my own psychological state contributed to my masochistic need for him. Maybe it is the same for you – stick with your therapy, sometimes it takes a little while and light dawns slowly and almost imperceptibly. I wonder whether you should keep contact with his relations? They probably have no idea what he is really like. That could be confusing for you. I have received so much sentimental hogwash from my SP’s family this Christmas, it just made me cross. He died last July, but they are trying to paint him as almost saintly when in truth he was completely amoral. I haven’t replied to any of their cards or emails, I refuse to sentimentalise his memory. However, I have had moments wondering if I should engage with them because even now I miss him! It’s infuriating because I know he was “no good”. So, I understand how very hard it is for you, I really do, please give it time, please try to be strong for your own sake, and your own sanity. Thinking of you, Lana.
@Lana
Your insights truly help. I do struggle with my sexual attraction to him…I’ve felt it for decades too. Mostly I grieve everything we did together and all the places I now go without him. I realized today that I almost if not really have a PTSD response when I am somewhere we used to go together…i get sick to my stomach and sweaty. I recently learned he was going to this place we used to hang out at with his new woman…and I cried and cried. Everything he ever told me was a lie because he always said he never went back to place with a new person that he had been with his ex. I believed in him with all my being. Looking back now I don’t know why? Things like this roll thru my mind all day long and I fight every minute to push the thoughts away. I have to get past this and I know that means stopping contact with him. It’s not even positive contact because he seems so disinterested in me and that makes me not only feel pathetic but rejected all over again. You are right about so many things and it helps so much to know I am not alone. I feel so alone so much of the time and was starting to think i was the biggest failure.
@Healing
Please…stop.
Stop seeing what he is not.
Stop seeing yourself as a failure.
Stop lpoking at his whereabouts. And please start the no contact. NO CONTACT IS THE ANSWER FOR HEALING.
Hi healing
I’m so sorry you are going through all this and please post on here and we can talk.
Yeah I’m getting better but still struggle with nc. But whilst he responded initially, he is starting to ignore me now. Which hurts a lot!!!
So today is day 7 of my latest nc effort and I’m determined to get to 30 before I consider how I feel.
We were friends and I’d like to stay friends.
But then I tell myself what sort if ‘friend’ lies to you about his name – for 4 years!!! I can explain that behaviour by saying he never wanted to lose me or have me think badly if him.
But then he broke up with me many times and I pleaded my way back – so why not just stay broken up and had never have to tell me his name?
Also he was on countless dating sites, never cared about my life or job…. Great ‘friend’ huh?!!!
But it’s January now and I still wake up most mornings with ‘why’??? I was a great gf to him!!
But it started as an affair, and his wife found out including my name and photo from internet (he told me they were separated!! And he never told me his wife found out all that stuff- I found that out through other person).
So I think deep down he thought ‘we’ never had a future as his family, ex and daughter would skin him alive if he introduced me as his new gf. But he told me every day that we had a future. So he was very ok with walking away and starting a life with a fresh face, and I was gutted as his ultimate lie was realised (he never saw a future fir us).
But could I have lived like that? I knew he was lying from 2 yrs in – so why did I put up with that? I don’t from ANYONE else!!! Why did I not only put up with it, but tolerated it, let it continue
.. Why?
That’s the real question.
Healing, we are all in the same boat here every day so pls feel free to write xx
Hi healing
Yes I know exactly what you mean!!! I have tried to force myself to get to all the places we went to… Without him. It’s awful!!!
I wonder if he feels it too or was I really that easy (and relieving) to throw away.
Hes a creature of habit and I know he’s taking the new gf to the same places – he’s not very imaginative. It hurts soooo much!! He’s even taken her to meet family which I never ever did!!! And he holds her hand in public – never would with me!!! Again because it started as an affair (unknown to me). And he was terrified people woukd see us together.
God I’m feeling it today.
But have to say the last two days I was very busy and hardly thought of him!! That may be the key!
J
Oh healing I feel so bad for you.
Yes our stories are similar. Particularly where yiu say that when yiu were with him…YOU WERE MISERABLE THE WHOLE TIME!!
I was like that too – even plotting how to end it without actually saying the words.
So miserable with them (and being lied to, disrespected, cheated on, manipulated, used) vs being miserable without them (but being dignified, unreachable, the one they always think about).
Let him lie to someone else for a while – we need a break 🙂
We babysat the loony long enough!!
Oddly I was misersle am the time. He was never satisfied. He always demanded more time, more attention, more pampering, more understanding, more affirmation. I was exhausted. When I first moved out I slept an entire weekend. When we lived together I looked forward to him traveling so I could have space and some quiet…well in the hours he didn’t text constantly. He said he didn’t love me but he was insanely jealous and asked repeatedly and regularly if I was talking to anyone or interested in anyone. Good grief, when would I have had time!! I have since leatef that was his projection of what he was doing.
I have made lists of the negatives and I worked hard at ignoring those things when we were together or I would actually tell myself those things were endearing…yes I had it bad for him. Retraining my brain is excruciating…to see him for who He really is pains me because it means letting him go. Never having the fairytale ending. But like you I must begin to enviosion a new future for myself…a future without him. A healthier me. A more peaceful and contented life. It will take a lot of work…and strength.
Yes! I remember when we split I slept for weeks. I was so tired. It was as u say someone who wanted more and more. Never satisfied. It burned me out too. Made me feel numb and switched off.
Just learned things aren’t going so well for my ex…Is it wrong to feel “good” about this??? I have hardly slept because of nightmares related to him and his new woman and when I heard this I actually felt “relief.” Its not like me to have hateful feelings like that, but somehow its confirming???
No it’s not wrong at all. We all like to know that karma is served. Better though is that you give zero energy to it. Otherwise next thing he will be suckering you in with pity play. They are good at doing that. PLEASE don’t hold out hope that as its not going well he will come back, as you will only just delay your own life. I wasted years that I can never get back. its not worth that. You feel how you want. Hatred and anger is a part of the 5 steps of healing – 1. is that fog of confusion, 2. Is bargaining you want them back – 3. Is anger – just anger – you are further along this process than you think you are. Well done you can do this!! …. just please don’t feel relief as you want him back, please as the cycle just begins again.
I would feel the same – it’s hard to think someone else may bit be getting all the lies and bs we got (my exSP has at least told his new gf his real name which makes me so jealous it’s unreal)
But leopards don’t change their spots and as positiva will tell you… They just make some other woman miserable and destroy her self esteem in the process…. They never change
No you are right joelene they never change. Even if they think they can patterns always revert back to type.
I know exactly what your going through. I haven’t posted here in the past year however my ex whom I dated for 6 years was a socio path and upon finding out it has been very difficult to come to realize that everything we had was fake. Until now it just kills me to think that everything he said was a lie, I thought he was the one and we were meant to be together. With my sociopath most of the experience had to do with him using me to get what he wants, and when he finished everything he needed from me he moved on to someone new, this killed me. Thats why I know what your going through. I know that it is relieving to hear they aren’t doing well. I would cyber stalk my ex and his girlfriend all the time and be so happy when I would see that they are broken up or not well. Which was weird, because why would I want him back? It also killed me because like you said he treated her better than me in some ways, but I realized that this ONLY because she required him too. We didn’t require our sociopaths to treat us a certain way so they didn’t, and believe me they will do whatever it takes to get your trust while they are using you. My sociopath went to great lengths on multiple occasions just to prove to me he is saying the truth just to get what he wants. After several years and especially after finding out he is a sociopath I learned to realize when he is lying but for some reason it doesn’t help. I just tend to tell myself to forget about it, and convince myself that deep down somewhere he really cares about me since he keeps coming back to me even after his ex, but stupid me, its obvious he is just using me as his back up, or else he would have been there for me throughout the years when i needed him. He would go through phases of ignoring me for months like I didn’t exist. He would also when he was with his girlfriend go to lengths to prove to her he wasn’t with me anymore, by calling me and putting me on speaker phone and making a fool out of me by calling me a liar and swearing at me saying the most nasty things possible. Some things so bad that I would never speak to someone if they treated me like that ever, but every time I pick up the phone and talk to him after for some reason I will be full of hate but then I will forget about it every time, thats why I strongly believe that no contact is the only and best way to deal with this, it doesn’t work any other way believe me, they will suck you right back in no matter what, and as much as we know how evil they are and how much they are using us they still manage to get us sucked back into their schemes and lies and just waste yet more time from us and to them its all a game. Its just so disgusting to think about thats why I always tell myself, no he isn’t a sociopath, he just has some attachment issues and so on, but every time he leaves I see all the signs loud and clear I just don’t see it while with him. I also tend to think well we can just be friends and I’m strong enough now and been through enough with him to not let him use me and get to me again, but BELIEVE ME, IT DOESN’T WORK! I go back to stage 1 every time he leaves, the miserable depressed stage. And as bad as I thought it hurt when I wasn’t seeing him its not as close to how bad it is when I go back to seeing him and get thrown away again.
You are right. You cant be friends with a sociopath. I tried it doesnt work. This is going to be my next post
Thank you.
Hi i am new to the site! Me and my boyfriend split up 10 days ago! Since the beginning i thought there was smth wrong with him! I supported him for 1 year and half with money, put me on dept of 7 thousand pounds, lied to me all the time, hit me, hurt me emotionally and every time i was telling him to break up he use to come back and beg me to give him another chance! I did stay to long and put up with this but i done it because i loved and wanted to change him for better: Nearly at the end of the relationship he cheated on me and got her pregnant. I broke up with him and he is still with her: I am going through so much hurt and I cry every single day about what that person made me go through! I never thought he can be a Sociopath I knew he was wrong cos he was on drugs as well for the whole time so i thought drugs would make him this way! I dont know what to do anymore apart from let go and continue my life!
Hi Suki, a huge welcome to the site!! 🙂 How that must hurt, what a total douche bag – ugh. I understand how it felt for me, to do everything I could, to try and help support and finance someone, and for what? He throws it back in your face. You know that you deserve so much better, and I hope that you know that she will have it much worse than you being tied with a child. It might not seem like it right now, but you have the better deal. She has no prize!! I know its the hurt, the betrayal, that really does hurt, like being stabbed in the heart and the back at the same time. yes, letting go is the ebst thing to do! 🙂
My heart is still trying to convince my head that I can be friends with him again one day…as much as I miss him I also know I am breathing easier and am less stressed in general. But the fantasy is still there, the fairytale I made up about him and me. And while he has sent me messages and called a couple times he has never yet asked to see me again or suggested we get back together, but he is with his new lover. I have had some heartbreaking insights lately about me and how this happened and my role in this..starting with my inability to set healthy boundaries for myself and protect my heart. I have beautiful people in my life and yet I find myself attracted to this man beyond everything and everyone else. The task of retraining my heart and brain seems overwhelming….but i must. Talking with you all and hearing your stories help so,much! Thank you.
You can’t be friends with him full stop. You are still thinking that he thinks the same as most normal people want to be amicable with their exs. I tried to be friends with the sociopath especially after his parents died and he was diagnosed with cancer. I felt sorry for him, let me tell u the good it did me. He wrote letters to my job exposing some of my less than proud of moments when I was in my 20s, he told me he would kill himself and then I discovered he was not with cancer it was all lies to drag me back in, I actually doubt whether his parents have died, I got sad I got angry I could not compete because I am normal and he has no conscience at all. Every time I tried to be friends he just accused me of faking my feelings and accused me of sleeping with anyone who was around me. This man lost me my job during our trying to be friends period. Now I have a harassment order against him and it’s the best thing I ever did. Am I bit lonely? Yes I am but u know what I would rather live in a cave than go through this again. I wish I’d have found this website 8 months ago when we split up as I would have saved myself so much grief. Be strong sister and block him from your life. I feel sorry for my ex cos he’s clearly ill but I feel sorry for me more so xxx
You don’t miss your sociopath. You miss the illusion. Who you thought he was and the relationship you had didn’t exist…and continued contact or awareness of his existence is only going to cause you more pain and stress….
I have to keep reminding myself of this….the man I am deeply in love with is an illusion. I repeat it over and over. The tears come without warning and I have this belly ache that just doesn’t got away. I’ve been reading on this website the post about recovering from the sociopath and the Soul wound soothing information makes so much sense to me. I have endured great loss in my life but this breakup has brought me to my knees in a way I have never experienced before. I believe he did soothe my soul wound, of course for his benefit but now I grieve the loss of that soothing. I must remember his soul soothing never lasted and was always followed with re-inflicting the wound I have bore since my childhood….rejection. I now understand more and I am trying to get my head and heart to connect. I need to find ways to soothe my own soul wound and in that heal from him. I am not there, I have a long way to go. Right ow I am so vulnerable and I know it…any contact from him would reel me in and wound me all over again. The man I loved is a master illusionist that threw me away when he thought he could no longer control me and needed a new supply. End of story.
💖💖💖💖 i know it hurts. What you could do now is seek therapy to help you to heal from the core soul wound. Now that you know what it is. He will only pour further fuel on the wound and hurt you more.
You cant be friends with him. He doesnt do friendship neither does he deserve your friendship. Association with him will only bring further loss. This is true. Slow breathing… breath out the cancer of him, breath in new life.
@ positivagirl
Thank you. I am in therapy and working hard at revealing my core soul wound and healing it. The breakup of this relationship has thrown me into a spiral, as I am sure you understand. I find myself desperate for answers and relief from the pain that washes over me from the loss of “HIM.” I am beginning to understand that he is not the root of my pain, but the trigger and often the conjurer of it. It served him.
Your forum helps me so much to not feel alone and to apply answers and relief instead of turning to him or other self-destructive behaviors ( mine is overeating and isolating). This blog keeps it real for me and makes it more difficult to fall back into the fantasy of the relationship. I can’t allow myself to go there…and sadly I do too often. I want to wish away the truth of who he is….we know where that leads.
Thanks for your support and insights. I really like your reference to him as a cancer. It does feel as though he festers and rots my insides.
Onward…
Yes yes yes now you are seeing it. The pain is NOT him!! You see he deliberately assessed you. Found out what the core soul wound was then put a band aid over it…. only later to rip it off. So that you felt that you needed him. You didnt. This is all now within you. Please know that any further involvement with this man will only bring further loss and pain. You know what you have to heal. Use your therapist to work through and heal that wound… i bet the message that you sent to yourself was also “i am not good enough?” This man was never amazing or a god. He was evil abusive and manipulative. You can do this. The longer you stay away from him the more you heal. 💖
@positivagirl , YES! I love your words, they ring SO true for me. I finally found a therapist that I like and we talked about core wounds, We are starting hypnotherapy this next week.
You know my situation and the married sociopath is my life pretended to be my best friend for 10 months only to lure away my husband. My husband is still with her and is best friends with her husband and he knows and doesn’t care. I see that he is broken, he has always been broken, she assessed him too and got extra info from me her bestie about my life, his life …. she had it easy because I’m an open book and she “cared” so much about me by asking all those questions. UGH!
“I am not good enough” is my core wound, I even discussed it with her UGH UGH UGH! I think it’s my husbands too but he hid it well to me … I always thought my husband was strong and amazing. Now I know that I am stronger and I AM amazing ….. I’m working on getting my sparkle back but this divorce sucks. He’s making it take as long as possible and costly as possible with deep influence from married sociopath mistress. There has been financial abuse and emergency hearings to stop it. I’m trying to let go, let him go through this and not think about him as much. It’s hard and there have been difficult days this past week.
He was a great dad and husband even 8 months ago but now he’s worsening ….. it’s hard watching and experiencing this gradual train wreck of sociopathic abuse on my husband. I tried to tell him, but of course, I’m mentally unstable and whatever else she convinced him I am, so he won’t even speak to me. I know she knows I’m on to her about her personality disordered self because I’m sure husband tells her everything or she has access to his texts and emails overtly or even covertly. So my husband has now blocked me on his phones, email, we havent actually spoken since September. We only message on Our Family Wizard, a court ordered app/web site for divorcing families, his lawyer and the boys lawyer (Guardian ad Litem) can access it, so my messages there are only about our children and money. She is isolating him well. He’s now not wanting to see our children which is the most painful. I’m sure she knows that …. try and destroy me through my children … I think way too much about what she is telling him that this can be ok with him in his mind, 8 months ago he was a great dad!! The financial abuse didn’t work, the judge was NOT happy and made him stop and he has to give me a lot more money and he was PISSED. So now it’s using the children. I am doing the work on myself. I still think of them WAY too much, WAY WAY too much. She lives 4 miles from me and husband lives 7 miles from me. We see them together in public …. UGH! But not in a while, I hope never again.
She is evil and cunning and abusively manipulative! I just want her out of our lives … she still affecting us through my husband and it SUCKS!
I’m trying to do my own work and let go and not think about them as much. I’m trying. Good days and bad days and I need a distraction and hobby. 🙂
THank you for your wise words and this supportive place Nikki ❤
You are welcome Tracy. Keeping busy will help. The further you get away, the easier it becomes to heal. Soon you realise that those bad days become fewer and fewer until one day the power over you is gone. Like holding onto a pair of magic shoes, just keep going until you reach your place of peace, and you will!! You really will!! 🙂
Be glad he has someone else, although I don’t wish what happened to me on anyone else i know the day he finds his new victim I will be truly free….
This is so true
Honestly I love coming here because we are all the same!!! The same lovely warm trusting (possibly low self esteem) smart yet possibly lonely woman (or man).
We did nothing wrong other than continue to look past our gut and brains to try and fill something in our heart!!
I also knew for the entire time I dated exSp that things weren’t right. Stories didn’t add up. 18 mths in I started to really question. By 2 years in we were fighting because he wasn’t doing the things he said he would do (in tell ex wife, let me meet his family). By 2.5 years I found out his surname was fake! I pretended to accept his bs reason.at 3.5 years I found out his first name was a lie too.I then pretended not yo know. I did lots of digging and found out nearly everything was a lie!! He had already settled with ex, he had many nights without his daughter visiting, he was working elsewhere…. Every time I questioned him on these and he lied to my face… I would excuse it in my brain somehow.
Oh he has attachment issues, oh he thinks I’ll rush him down aisle ifi know he’s fully divorced now…. Etc
Never said the truthful words that my gut was saying ‘oh he’s a lying sick dog. Hes lying to your face and disrespecting ypu as a human being because he wants to control you and he feels superior keeping the truth from you. He enjoys making you look to him like a dumb lovelorn fool’
Yes we are well rid of them but I know if he messaged me I’d have a hard time not jumping to command.
I hate NC. I want to be friends with him. But he won’t contact me and I need to heal… NC is the only way I can
💖💖
2 days with no contact. Not much but its a start…again. The longest I have gone since the breakup 2 months ago was 5 weeks. I’m gonna try to beat that record this time!
Hey well done healing on day two. Do nice things for yourself!!
My ex boyfriend is definitely a Charismatic sociopath. The funny thing is that I read this blog last year when I was going through the smear campaigns and bombarding stage, I was shocked at this behavior so I finally gave in to what I heard from a mutual friend telling me he is a sociopath and looked into it and found this blog. There were a lot of things written here that match his personality, such as the lying, saying nice things that are too good to be true, faking sickness to get pity from people, always craving attention and saying I love you sometimes saying just to reassure himself that I do. There was one time he asked me, “do you love me” so I asked why are you asking me that? I tell you I love you at least a billion times, so he said, no I just need to hear it from you that you really do. I thought that was so weird given that my love for him was obvious at the time and we were deep into our relationship. I dated him for almost 6 years. We were friends for 1 full year before we dated and even as friends it was as if we were dating, however he never was willing to commit as my boyfriend until I required him to and told him he can’t have the best of both worlds, the friends and the sex it has to be one or the other, so he chose to date me. It was rough for the first few months as he wasn’t reliable, and he would only show up if he was jealous of me being with other people. however, he managed to by the end of our relationship isolate me from all my friends, and like you said they do it so subtly you don’t even realize, they make you think its YOUR decision.
Anyways to get back to my point, when I came across this blog last year, I was at a horrible place. I had been with him for 4 years including 1 year as friends before that, and we broke up because of forced reasons from his family and mine as we both got into a heroin addiction problem, and upon getting clean and families intervening we decided to break up, however, we still stayed close friends seeing each other very frequently. Therefore we still acted as a couple just wasn’t labeled as one. What then happened was lies and manipulation. I’ve been lied to by him before many times, there’s too much history to say it all here, but some of the major lies from him while we were dating were him lying about having had sex with all his ex girlfriends, when at the time we first met I was 18, and I was still a virgin then, sex to me was something very important, as I wanted my first time to be with someone I truly care about and am committed too, he would keep telling me these lies even before he knew I was a virgin, and when he found out I was that love bombarding started with all the nice things and acting like hes committed and so forth, then when I still wouldn’t sleep with him, he pulled his first disappearing act, the first of MANY to come. These disappearing phases would last anywhere between 1 week to 4 months max, in which he will block me off everything so there is no way to possibly contact him, and when he decides to re appear he will always have some stupid excuse of why he couldn’t talk. The first time it happened I was really confused, like what did I do, did he break up with me? I had no idea what was going on because he didn’t say anything, so I asked a mutual friend to get involved to see whats going on. He then contacted me and pretended we were still together saw me a few times and disappeared again. I then sent him a message saying that I assume we are broken up, and that he doesn’t want to talk to me. He was very cold in his reply, saying something like he never liked me anyways. A few months went by before we spoke again, however, when we did we became friends for about a year. He continued to try to sleep with me, which I wouldn’t allow him to, and later didn’t until we started dating. a couple months after that he was very high and he told me that he wanted to say something to me, and turns out what he wanted to tell me is that he was a virgin and he lied about it. He thought I would be happy, but I was so devastated I felt like everything was a lie, all these stories he told me about these girls he had sexual relations with, and him knowing how important losing my virginity was to me and he just lied. I told him that I wish he had said the truth because at least I would have known that I made that decision because I wanted to not because I was lied to.
The reason I bring this up is because this was the first time I found out so much of what he told me was a lie. I did find out a year after meeting that he lied about his age, and where he was from, and some lies about his parents, and how they treat him. When I found out and confronted him he would never admit it but just settle that I found out the truth and sometimes continue to lie about it but I would tell him its not worth it because I know whats going on. When we started getting serious say about the third year of dating or so, the lies seemed to stop, and the only weird thing that was going on was that he would always message random girls on Facebook and lie and say he has cancer to get them to feel bad for him. He would also message old friends (girls) and tell them that we are not on good terms and are breaking up soon and he wants to see her. When I confronted him about this, he told me “I have a problem, OK, I just like attention and yes sometimes I do and say sick things to get, but who cares, I’m not going to see her its all fake, I like messing with people’s heads” I thought that was so weird. But I told myself, I love him, and if this is his only flaw at least he admits and I’ll deal with it, and I didn’t get mad later when I would find out he would talk to random girls online telling myself that as long as its not in person who cares, this is a part of who he is and he finds it entertaining. He also use to admit that he loves lying to people he will never see again about his profession and age, and sometimes faking that he is a blind man when he rides a cab, just weird shit like that.
Anyways sorry to get off point but back to when I came across this blog last year, we were at the point like I said where we were broken up because of us both getting sober but staying good friends, and we also kept on sexual relations with each other, and both weren’t seeing anyone else. I did try to date someone for a while but he pulled the jealous card and always would say bad things about the guy to put him down and every time he would know I’m going to see him he would ask to see me, to deviate my attention sometimes even ask if he could join, just so I would see him instead. I thought it was odd because I told him if he wanted to get back together I’m fine with that but we can’t be friends and ask me not to see other people. He would always reassure me yeah we are just friends see who you want its OK, but then every time make it impossible for me to date.
When I saw this is how he acted I took it under the impression that he still loves me but doesn’t want to admit it so I backed off other guys and stayed committed to him. During this time we were still in college and it was our last year. Now I know he used me throughout his college years to write his papers for him and do his work as he was never good in that area and was getting D’s or F’s in most of his classes before I came along. once he figured out I’m good at writing essays he took advantage of that and would always be so nice and sweet before he would ask if I could “help” him with his papers. I didn’t mind as he was my boyfriend and I cared about him so I thought I was helping. I never ever thought he was using me. Now looking back I guess the reason he stayed close to me after we broke up is so I could help him with his school work. That is why after he graduated he started to slowly drift away, I realized he was drifting away so I ask him if he was seeing someone else and he would constantly deny it, every time we would hang out his phone would ring non stop and he would tell me its his band mate, later I found out it was a girl, he then said yes its a girl, she manages my band, then I found out she wasn’t his band manager and she talks to him as if they are together so I asked if they are together he told me no, she just thinks we are, he would also call her crazy, and ugly, and say very nasty things about her. During this time I didn’t see much of him, now I know its because he didn’t need me for anything but then I was devastated because I had spent 5 years with someone who is treating me like a worthless shit but in front of my face he keeps pretending he loves me, I was so confused. Now I realize that he was a charismatic sociopath as he would never be evil in my face, always be so sweet and kind in person, but always disappear and ignore.
What brought me to this site was when I finally got a message for his current girlfriend at the time asking me to back off, telling me that he had said all these nasty things about me, such as I’m the girl who ruined his life and introduced him to drugs and I won’t leave him alone and I always try to lure him back in, always blaming his relapses on me even if I didn’t see him at the time. He also told her that he never loved me all this weird stuff. At the time I thought she was just saying that because she saw me as a threat and wanted me to be out of the picture, however, when I would confront him and tell him if you don’t like her then why are you with her he would always tell me, yea I’m planning on breaking up with her soon you’ll see, there is just so and so I need to do first always making excuses and stalling. After about 6 months of him being with her and me fighting with him about it because I had sensed he was lying to me about not liking her as he was always with her and always msging and talking to her, so I told him to be honest but don’t keep playing this game. He was using me at the time and actually having sex with me at the same time he was still sleeping with her, but telling me that they are not together. Constantly lying. When he finally got put on the spot by his girlfriend at the time and she told him to chose either her or me, that when I experienced the real sociopath in him, however, he could NEVER say it in my face. That’s why I seemed to think he was just pressured as he would always claim, but now I realize like you said he is a charismatic sociopath and they don’t do rude things in person. The things he said, omg, I couldn’t believe myself that someone human could even say all those things and fake all those emotions.
Here is a glimpse of what he said in the nasty email he sent me with his girlfriend last year, just to give a brief explanation, out of the 5 years we were together, only 1 year was while we were using heroin, we met clean, and we started our relationship without drugs, the drugs came after the fourth year of dating and stopped afterwards, we stayed friends while sober for a year before he met his new girlfriend, he relapsed a few times but it had nothing to do with me, he would just call me every time he would relapse because he knew I was the only one who would talk to him while under the influence and maybe get high with him on occasion. So here is a glimpse of his nasty message accusing me, of everything he did, blaming his cheating on me suppsoedly seducing him or forcing him to in exchange for drugs, when the truth is I never did drugs with him during that time, and when we did sleep together it was after him trying to be nice for days and begging me to believe him that he still loves me, it is exactly a perfect example of what you said of smear campaigns and abuse:
Email:
what do u want an apology. Im sorry it has to end this way to know you were a good friend, yes you were there when i needed u – to think about my decision, i did – tell you clearly and alone that i want u out of my life. I told you before and again i say please just leave me alone. Sarah you are a part of a life i want to put behind me. I always kept u around because i knew you’d be my in it was not the nicest thing to do and i didn’t consider your feelings as a human but i was never thinking straight while under the influence and could think of nothing else but using. I thought i needed it but im so glad this time that it really hit me. Now that i have the best of the people who love me around
I have nothing to say to you because i have covered everything in this email i answered all the stuff you wrote you have a clear answer and crystal clear feelings about my decision and how i feel about you. u mean nothing to me, ur kisses meant nothing to me, sex meant nothing to me.. and if felt terrible ur emails mean nothing to me, just taking up space. your words mean nothing your sadness means nothing your desperation means nothing our entire relationship meant only one thing ‘herion
You’re being over dramatic although I shouldn’t have called you ur still over the top. i got weak to the idea of H something you understand. I don’t even remember when i spoke to you or for how long just that i needed u for h/ I for sure shouldn’t have slept with you, not that you can call that sleeping. I’ve had cigarettes that lasted longer. I didn’t really wanna do anything with you. but just left you to do your thing because you threatened many times not to give me anything/ i don’t blame you completely, i take blame I shouldn’t have done a lot of things but im trying to stop all those things that pushed me and you’re not helping you’re an obstical and if you really cared and wanted me to b happy like u said then you’d let me live my life and stop bothering me everyday
I’m not wasting anymore of my life on your insecurities. You have to realize that i don’t want you now like i never wanted u before.. i felt pity for you when you were crying your eyes out asking me to date you. i did just to shut you up.. that was a favo a big one, now pay me back by getting out of my life
I don’t know what u want from me but whatever it is i CANT give it to you because i DON wanna. being manipulative and u try to lure me back in any way, trying to kiss me, still making up lies when u know myanne is around but alone you realize that you don’t really remember u are trying to do anything you can just to hold onto something that is nothing but a memory now.
Ive tried being rude nice strict honest a liar calm aggressive nothing i do makes it sink in. So i hope this time you really do have enough pride to walk away because now that it is all out in the open there is no reason for you to reply to say the same things over or defend yourself. What is done is done. Just like our relationship even if we did have something and there was a connection and all the other crap that came out of my mouth that has all gone now. Yes you cared about me a great deal and that’s cool but if you wanted to go you could’ve but you stayed round waiting for me loving me unconditionally like u say that’s not my fault they are your decisions.
Everything must come to an end sometime this is ours I hope you can move on like i have and become as happy as i am now that i have everything i need and want in one place.
I will not reply to anything more. I have nothing more to say.
You call myanne a bitch and a whore you know zilch about her. She used you yes but she made it quite clear what she wanted from you and made it clear when it was over. You cant seem to get that into your head thinking there is something more you can do to try and break us up. If you think she is an idiot for wanting me in her life, why do you want me or why did you want me in yours. Thats rhetorical by the way
You call her ugly but that’s just because you know that no matter what you do you’ll never look half as beautiful as her she has an amazing smile a sweet scent that keeps me strong and a beautiful shining personality that drives everyone mad
I’m now with the girl that everyone else wants not the girl who everyone is trying to get away from
I’m curious to know your opinion if you think his actions signify he is in fact a sociopath because I am more than sure he is.
To summarize what happened up until now as this was a year ago, about 4 months went by without him contacting me and I kept to the no contact rule as I was reading this blog then, then he called me and asked to meet me in person to apologize. By the way during the time this email was sent I would beg to meet him in person because I wanted to hear it face to face and he would never agree it would be hard enough for him to say it over the phone even though he did but not as harsh as the email.
Anyways stupidly I agreed to meet him, which I couldn’t believe I did because after this email and all the nasty things that were said, which were much more that I showed above, I was disgusted by him, but part of me was still longing for that nice guy that I loved and fell in love with for years. and he put that mask on when I saw him, claiming that he didn’t even know the emails were sent and that his girlfriend sent it behind his back, which is complete bullshit because there is too much detail in there for her to send it, also I asked him well how about what you said over the phone, he told me that it was on speaker phone and his girlfriend forced him to say it. I told him I didn’t believe it, and even if that’s the case if he respected me he would never agree to say these things whether forced or not, and he would stand up for me not accuse me of all these nasty things to make himself look better, then when he got put on the spot he said I know I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about it, I’m just stupid I can’t believe I did that to you, please forgive me, your the only person who truly cares about me and I fucked that up so bad and then he started the water works. I didn’t believe him, especially since he was still with his girlfriend at the the time and I asked him to leave her if he doesn’t like her. He kept making excuses again, anyways this time I stuck to my word because I didn’t want to go through the humiliation of last time, and I told him I wouldn’t talk to him until he proves either he loves her and wants to be with her or he breaks up with her. Anyways he ended up breaking up with her a couple weeks later then calling me saying see I broke up with her lets meet and so forth, Stupid me I met him and also slept with him, and we seemed to be good for about 3 months, until I found out he was still talking to her every now and then repeating the same story again of I don’t like her and so forth but he is pushy and manipulative and so on. To cut it short he ended up disappearing and then getting back together with her for a couple months. until recently he called me because he said they broke up, I found out she broke up with him because she found out he was cheating on her with me before, and since he knows I know that he admitted that yea she broke up with him but its a relief and he never loved her anyways she is just very pushy and she doesn’t let him break up with her, more bullshit. So the reason I am here today is because I just saw him yesterday and he fed me all the bullshit of he really cares and so on and he wants to change and he will prove it this time, and I know you will say I’m stupid but as much as I know its a lie, why can’t I help but see him, and not just see him but WANT to see him! HELP MEEEE! I don’t want to go through the heartbreak I went through before but I also don’t want to lose someone I thought was my best friend for 6 years and I feel knows everything about me and is so easy to talk to he just makes me feel comfortable when I’m around him and he’s the only person who truly understands me and my family and I can talk to openly, and as much as I know its fake and pretend part of me tells me its real and he just has a problem but deep down he really does care about me since he keeps coming back to me, and even when he was with his ex girlfriend he would always try to talk to me, but then the other half of me says well if he really loved you he would have never said all those nasty things, even if his girlfriend wrote the email she must have heard it from somewhere!
Omg I’m so confused I don’t know what to do….
@ sarahnarrativepsych
What I do know is that relationships can be just as addictive as any drug. The compulsion and often illogical need to be with a person seems to be a dominant characteristic among relationships with a Narcissit/Sociopath. I have felt this “pulling” emotion during and after the relationship broke off. I think SPs encourage and foster these emotions in their partners to keep them “hooked.” I noticed early on when I was with him or even got a text from him I would be soothed, calmed and put in a better mood….when he would give silent treatments and be in “cooling off periods” I would be sick and found it difficult to focus on anything else. I gave up time with friends, family ( even my son) and all the activities I enjoyed just so I could be with him or available to him.This happened slowly and I wasn’t even aware of it. He hated me texting anyone else and would tantrum and go silent if I even spent time with my elderly, ill mother. SO I always felt like I was giving him enough time and attention and would try harder….anything to get his approval and keep his attention. Does that sound like addiction? I think so. If you haven’t read the post on this website about recovering from a SP relationship, please do. It talks about this “soothing effect” SPs are so good at fostering.
I fight it everyday…and I am sure I will for sometime. I haven’t succeeded very well at total NC yet. I have not seen him/been in his physical presence in 2 months which after 2 years of constant contact I believe is a big deal…I am still so vulnerable I could not handle physical contact with him right now…not even sitting in a restaurant booth across from him. Likewise telephone contact has been sparse…only 3 times since the breakup and he has initiated every contact, written or phone call. But with any contact I feel that familiar rush and eventual disappointment and self-loathing afterwards.
I think I know that even after much healing and even years down the road with no contact he will be toxic for me, triggering that deep soul wound in me. Part of my struggle is knowing this. I am in therapy working on these issues and I highly recommend therapy for anyone who finds themselves overwhelmed, despondent, and feeling empty and even humiliated at the loss of the relationship. Therapy has helped me focus on myself and comforting my own wounds…I am encouraged to learn about my response to the SP but not spend more and more energy trying to understand “HIM.” It is too easy to get lost in the details of the relationship…its like a puzzle and the pieces keep changing as you try to put them together.
I wish you the best. I wish us all the best…
Hi Healing Heart,
I just read your last post about how you answered his call and did things for him and he didn’t even see you, this really related to me almost as if I wrote it myself. My ex sociopath would do this to me all the time, and just like you I would know he is with another girl and she is absolutely crazy and nothing compared to me and I’m not the type to be full of myself I’m always very humble and consider myself just a normal person nothing special but she is definitely disgusting by all means, but he so called says the same thing that she lights up his life however he never says it in my face just when he is with her, and he calls her all these lovely names and treats her like a princess and all he has to do with me is call me and ask me to help and I will be there even if he tells me he doesn’t care about me like he use to I’m still there to help, and I did that assuming that he would eventually see all the kind things I do, and she doesn’t and want me not her. But he didn’t he just used and used me until he didn’t need me anymore then threw me away and sent me that email that I posted in one of my posts above. Making me seem like the crazy one and accusing me of everything he did.
I would also get that same fuzzy jittery feeling when he called me, when all I would want to do before he called is swear at him and call him off for the worthless ass hole he really is but my heart would never let me do it, and even when I would get the nerve to do it I would always end up apologizing or answering his calls later, because sickly him calling and just talking to me made me so happy! BUT WHY!!! I know what you’re going through, it is a horrible feeling to know we deserve so much better but we are not able to let go. Its because they fooled us into thinking they were our soul mates and meant to be with them forever so our hearts keep trying as we believe they were “the one” and always make excuses for their behavior, and that their other girlfriend or girlfriends are just a phase and they will eventually come back to us as we were meant to be. After all if they didn’t love us why would they keep calling right? Because they are fucking sick, just a sociopath, but who wants to believe that the love of their life is a sociopath, right? Its a horrible feeling!
When he is away I realize all these things but when he is in contact with me, my heart takes over, I want it to end but its so difficult I’ve tried so many times but the problem is he won’t leave me alone when I move on, he lures me back in every time, I even changed my phone number so he couldn’t’ call me, and 4 months went by I was getting better until he started driving to my house daily to see if I was there and talk to me, and managed to get me to give him my new number and contact me, and when I told him I wouldn’t talk to him if he was still with that girl, he broke up with her all to get me to talk to him again and as soon as I did and started to get close to him again which took a while about 3 months as there was a lot of trust issues and I didn’t want to trust him until he proved himself a bit, and as soon as I let my guard down again and trusted him and he became the center of my life again…. guess what happened? he ditched me, disappeared again without explanation and went back to his ex….
Then now 3 months later, he came back into contact with me, probably to repeat the process all over again, and I thought this time I would have enough dignity in myself to ignore but I couldn’t, the only difference is that this time when I see him part of me is disgusted by his actions but the other part of me just wants to hug and kiss him and tell him how much I miss him and talk to him like I use to as I feel he is the only one who understands me, Its funny that the other day when I saw him, as soon as I would reach out to hold his hand or tell him I miss you, I would automatically say oh shit sorry I didn’t mean to say that! because my brain would be stop stop, he is a heartless sociopath if you say these things he will use you more! and it will be a constant battle within myself. And when I don’t say nice things or reach out to hold his hand or be intimate with him he will constantly keep trying and make it harder on me to control myself.
I just hate to believe that it was all a lie and its pretend, but the truth is it is, sometimes the truth just hurts too much that we constantly fool ourselves to believe otherwise. I know if I don’t stop talking to him I will end up hurt again, but its almost as if I’m okay with that because I think to myself, well I’m hurt anyways talking to him or not….. I tell myself that if someone better comes along I’ll be able to let go so whats wrong with just staying friends with him, but just as this blog says, they can never be friends, he will always want to use me somehow for something…..
So I understand what your going through, and I wish I had an answer for you, the only advice I can give you is to block off contact with him, but believe me I know its hard, but it does feel better once you get past a few months just make it so there is absolutely no way he can reach you again, because mine knew where I lived he made it impossible. Its crazy that they will disappear with no warning but yet when we disappear they will go to crazy lengths to get a hold of us.
Reading your story breaks my heart. It sounds so familiar. So painful. That part of the email you quoted was brutal. I’m sorry he wrote that to you. Many people tell their stories in generalities, but that specific example really hits home and will be educational to many who read it.
I heard all of the same sorts of criticisms/put downs, but in dribbles–not at once in a litany like that. All the, “I love you more than anyone else in this world,” “You are my best friend,” “I love you” statements followed by stealing an expensive necklace I made and giving it to his other girl as a gift she then wore in a photo on her Facebook profile. He always told me bad things about her and I’m sure he did the same to her. They love that triangulation–playing those who love him against each other. It’s so cruel. I know feel really bad for her because I know she did and IS going through what I went through. Confusion and cluelessness and pain. I didn’t even know these types of people existed, so I wasn’t catching on. Some people, usually empathic, good people who think they can help him, never catch on. It’s too painful to admit, even to ourselves.
He got me on pot and alcohol–neither of which I did before I met him. They can get away with so much more if you’re (we) are not thinking so clearly, but are numbing ourselves to the pain THEY are causing us. I couldn’t have lived if I felt all that true pain I felt with him for 5 years.
I stopped contact 6/4/15 and feel the same as you do now. I still WANT to see him, talk to him, but I know that’s totally sick and have avoided his calls and visits. What helps me is that intellectually I KNOW that he isn’t really missing me emotionally (if anything, he misses the attention and love/flattery, money, help I gave him). It breaks my heart to think that, but it makes me stronger because I know it’s true. After all the lies, I know that to be true. The lies were lies. What I thought was the truth was a lie. That’s the hardest part to accept, but I believe that’s where I need to get for the pain to stop. I don’t know if you have the same problem, but the acceptance is so hard to reach. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I know I will, eventually.
You’ll never find peace going back and forth with him. I didn’t break up with him earlier because I knew the pain would be really bad and unfortunately, that’s true. But, I still believe I did the right thing and it was the only thing I could do (in my case) to save my life. In year 2, I ended up in the mental hospital for 10 days for suicidal depression and STILL got back together with him. The emotional hold is incredible. He thought he had nothing to do with it and I was just crazy. It sounds like your emotions are very strong and hurting and confusing you too.
I hope you can focus on the true negative things (try making lists of the things you know to be painful FACTs) and find the strength to give up on him and move on. Try not to think of the connection, talks, support and good feelings he provided at times–that only makes it harder to be real and honest with yourself. Even though it’s really hard, I know you will be better off in the long run. I wish you incredible strength and hope. You are worth it. No one deserves to be a victim of a sociopath.
@makingitout
Thank you so much for your reply. Yes your right I hope this email helps many as this is why I posted it after I got it it was almost somewhat closure for me to hear him say that well not hear him but read that he wrote those nasty things it just made me realize how cold hearted he could be, and surprisingly that was the nicest part the rest went on to call me a prosit ute and slut and desperate and obsessed and so forth. He also called me bi polar and I have issues due to my family upbringing which he knows.
Anyways I appreciate your advice, I am just so mad that I had actually started to get better and move on and every time I do he comes back in my life and because of all the years of history it’s so hard to let go and ignore him. But it always ends up in heartbreak because unfortanetly no matter whether he is dating or not dating someone he can never just be friends like I asked him to he will always want the physical aspect and will always bombard me with all this I love you your my soul mate crap. And stupid me believes it a little bit? I believe it less and less every time but still I tell myself deep down he really loves me and make excuses for the nasty email he wrote just as he blames it on pressure from n his ex but why do I do this when I know if he really loved me he would never say those things and Treat me like that for her, a girl whom he talked shit about. But then I tell myself well he must have loved me during the time we were dating as he never cheated and was always there when I needed him even after we broke up he was a great friend however as soon as that new girl came around that’s when he started to change and then cold and play games and lie so as much I know it’s him because I’ve seen patterns of this behavior before in tiny bits my heart convinces me that it’s her pressuring him or some bullshit, just saying it now I feel stupid because I know it’s not true.
I saw him yesterday for the first time in a few months and he is currently broke up with his girlfriend and now since I know he is a sociopath and can tell his lies everything seems so different and I feel betrayed but whyyyyyyyy do I still get that comfort of seeing him at the end of the day and I just feel better and motivated to go out and do things and I get so happy from just seeing him as if he is my battery recharge or getting high on a drug for a period of time and just like drugs when he’s gone the withdrawals start and I feel worse than ever before and nothing makes me better besides him unless I last for months without its actually exactly like a drug when I think about it, he is actually a lot like my heroin addiction, same metaphor.
And like you also before I met my sp I didn’t use any drugs or drink, he got me into drinking first then smoking pot then heroin later. Then he blamed it all on me 🙂
Thank you so much again and if you need anything I’m here for you.
Also if your interested in seeing the rest of the email I would be happy to post it.
Much love
Here is the other part of the email, in this part he was responding to all my questions in previous emails word for word. Just a side note, he was never able to say these things face to face or over the phone, and when he would see my in person he would only say nice things and always accuse people of pressuring him such as his girlfriend and such thats why he said nasty things. He would never take the blame. Until now he claims that his girlfriend supposedly hacked into his email and wrote all these things. Which I know is not true. He would always talk shit about his girlfriend and always say he is about to break up with her, and then funny enough I get this email from him which is the complete opposite of what he was telling me in person trying to make me out as a crazy person, I guess this is what they call the “smear campaign” stage.here it is, I labeled me, for what I wrote and SP for his response to it.
Me: This is the last method of contact you will here from me
SP: Lie – you sent e-mails after that and called and text
Me: Did you really just speak to me because you wanted something, as I had predicted in the beginning or was it because you actually cared about our friendship.
SP: it really just because i wanted something,
Me: I swear I wouldn’t have been mad if you were honest with me,
SP: Lie -I was and you are now jealous and its obvious
Me: You think I’m trying to ruin your relationship with her, but I swear I’m not, I wanted to be friends your the one would always insist that you feel more for me and you can’t just be my friend
SP: You have been trying to get us apart so you can be the one to ‘save’ me
Me: I’m tired of you always being the one deciding when you don’t want to talk to me
SP: Then don’t wait for me to make a decision and stop talking to me yourself
Me: Everytime I stop speaking to you, you come back and talk to me and we go through this, I don’t think you would keep coming back unless you didn’t feel at least a little the same.
SP: You provided me with something i needed and it wasn’t you
Me: I liked it when you told me that there is always this string that pulls us together, because its true. But I feel like that string got pulled on so many times that this is it, one more move and its going to rip. And that’s the last thing I want to happen.
SP: It ripped. Thats the only thing i wanted to happen
Me: and you chose her over me, and everything that happened between us was a lie, then why go through all that bullshit and time convincing and talking shit?
SP: I’ll always choose her
Me: and then you tell her I’m the one who seduced you and the kiss means nothing
SP: You did seduce me, but even if i kissed you it was just a kiss. NOTHING else. i let you do what you needed to give me what I want.
Me: I wish you would sit and think and compare all the people you know, and realize how kind I’ve been and forgiving all these years. I don’t deserve to be treated this way.
SP: I have and came to the colclusion that we cannot be in each others lives. At all
Me: I want you to know that if you truly mean what your saying to Myanne now that you do not want to talk to me again, and that’s what you really want I won’t argue,Just tell me, don’t say it to other people, but in front of me you say you hate her, then you must be one fucked up boyfriend
SP: Another lie, you havnt stopped arguing
Me: I thought you didn’t like her anyways, I would beg you to admit you liked her and then you would say she looks like my maids asshole, and that its over between you two.
SP: Lie – and Well now you knowi don’t only like her but i love her. I want to make her happy, I am more comfortable now that we are closer and more open with each other. Thanks to you.
Me: I needed my best friend that I’m able to talk to no matter what, and I’ve always been there for you
SP: You know what i don’t get, why you wont understand that i want u to leave me alone
Me: I’m not asking you to love me, I don’t want to be with you, I don’t love you that way anymore, I just don’t want to lose my friend.
SP: And then you compare yourself to Myanne saying “it hurts to know that I’m not loved that way” and saying ” you still call Myanne and update her on whats going on with you,”
Me: I know you better than anyone
SP: then in a text you said my parents know me better than anyone – you can never stick to one thing
Me: So this time if you don’t want to talk to me and chose to leave, just know that is a life long decision. I won’t talk to you again like I use to and forgive what you have done.
SP: Life long decisions are smoking, healthy eating, career choice, marriage,.. however, you too are a no
Me: Myanne is the one who took my number from your phone a long time ago behind your back, and never even told you anything about it, Msged me behind your back, at least thats what you told me when I confronted you about it
SP: Lie- we both told u i knew. By the way, i knew she took it we were together in the car that night, talking to you actually the first time your repeating it to make her look bad, but u look terrible now
Me: Even after that day when you told me you don’t give a shit about me I still went to your work and paid a lot of money and wasted time I could have spent studying for exams, all to spend time with you because you claimed you missed me and needed to see me.
SP: Then you should have not wasted time and instead studied for your exams, nobody forced you to come. Actually the opposite Don’t blame me
Me: but you don’t want to see that I truly sacrificed a lot for you, and have always been there when you needed me to, so I can’t force you too, I also can’t force you to feel something from the last email, you never did in the past
SP: Well then if you know why are you still trying to force it
Me: anyways I don’t know what would make me think me writing a long email will work this time.However, its the only way I can get a hold of you as you don’t answer my calls.
SP: I don’t know..we ask ourselves the same question
Me: I just really want to end this, so man up and call me yourself and tell me don’t just disappear like a little pussy. Also have the balls to say in person that you hate me and don’t want to see me again, not just hide so you can come later and say that you missed me and give me some lame excuse. And it’s your choice now if you want to give up someone who really knows and cares about you just to make other people happy.
SP: Lie – you don’t think its my choice, you don’t respect it
Me: follow what you want.
SP: I am trying to but your in my way
Me: I have all the msgs u sent me about myanne and I could have easily showed it to her
SP: You showed her nothing because there is nothing and threats wont make me talk to you
Me: you turn into this person who is so cold hearted and feelingless toward anything I have to say. So I have a feeling its the second one this time.
SP: Spot on
Me: I don’t know how you can switch between the two so fast
SP: Because I wake up and realise my mistake
Me: If that girl is with u even after she found out u cheated on her then she must be really desperate. You did lie to me yes, but you never cheated on me while we were together for those 5 years.
SP: She found out and i am working on earning her trust and she learns to forive me for a mistake i will regret til i die. She isn’t desperate she has a heart of gold and is mature enough to see past my childish actions
Me: I’m not saying you love me but all I know is you don’t love her your just convincing yourself u do cuz u know she’s ur only hope.
SP: Youre the one who is convincing yourself i don’t love her because im your only hope
Me: The fact that you couldn’t call me without putting me on speaker phone for her to hear well that says it all.
SP: It does. It says i want to be open with her from now on and so she can see that ill do whatever it takes to show her im sorry
Me: You know very well if it wasn’t for her telling u not talk to me u still would
SP: Not that thats the reasn, but im glad i have her to reassure me
Me: shows how disgusting of a human being u are
SP: If you don’t like disgusting people, then leave me alone
Me: The least u could have done is talked to me alone or met me face to face
SP: Why would i see you facetoface when its what im avoiding. The most i could have done is replied, i did that.
Me: Bye have a nice life I won’t bother u again.
SP: Lie – youre still bothering me 1 week later
Me: what we had was a real connection
SP: you used ‘had’ – if it was real it would’ve lasted
Me: I was never cheated on by you
SP:just because i didn’t cheat doesn’t mean i did it out of love.. i just never got the chance
Me: You let your girlfriend drive and borrow your car, when you’ve only been with her for a few months and suppsedly can’t stand her, but when I was with you for years you would not even let me drive it, I know how important your car is to you or maybe that was fake too.
SP: Why does that bother you, i trust her with my life, my car isn’t different
Me: you probably never even loved me when we were dating and were never my friend because if you were before u would have never said the stuff your saying now.
SP: Thats right. I didn’t. And i wouldn’t
Me: I’m sorry about what I said to you and her but you both used me and said mean things too
SP: Yes We did
Me: Again. Sorry for anything that u feel I’ve wronged you in.
SP: No problem.
Me: your a sociopath
SP: Since you like research look up bipolar and personality disorders.. check up more on lying you have a long road you go till your honest for any other reason than your own benefit. Youre just like who i used to be
Me: And believe me your girlfriend doesn’t know you half as well as I do,
SP: Thats ok she has all the time in the world to get to know me
Me: Because your girlfriend herself told me that if the stuff I’m saying to her is true your relationship would be over by now.
SP: Lie – She never said that. I saw every single word in all 3 conversations between you both – thats proof of ruining my relationship. So you saying youre not is another LIE
Me: I don’t want to talk to you,
SP: Lie – you cant stop talking to me or at all.
Me: and I don’t need a reply.
SP: LIE – You always ask for a reply. “at least reply to this e-mail” “I want to hear it from you”
Me: you really have no excuse to tell me I left traces or strands behind because even if u wanted to get a hold of me you wouldn’t be able to
SP: LIE! Youre still texing me from you old number and youre sending me e-mails
Me:I really don’t want to talk to you, trust me
SP: Trust you, hahahah. Then why are you talking?
Me: because it would be dumb of me to still love and care about you after what happened.
SP: Then i guess your dumb
Me: All those times I came to your house and your work and missed classes and took cabs back even though I had a ride but instead came to you to spend time with you because you asked and begged, I did that knowing that most likely this shit would happen and you would do like you do every time and say you don’t want to talk to me anymore, I’m not stupid, I know that’s how you are. But I thought maybe, just maybe he changed.
SP: Youre not stupid? Sure? You have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: Now all I get is lies and betrayal and getting talked shit to when your around others, thats what I get for being loyal and giving every part of my life to you for 6 years? That’s what you call unconditional love
SP: Or unrequited love or an obsessive disorder of sorts or co-dependency
Me: and it takes a while to build that, and it doesn’t come by easily.
SP: It doesn’t come easily and appartently it sticks to u like a leech
Me: You probably can’t name one thing you’ve ever risked for someone else.
SP: I can name some but not t u just because i risked nothing for you doesn’t mean i didn’t risk anything for others. Myanne for example
Me: I was never able to hide anything from you,
SP: Neither does myanne if thats what your getting to
Me: I would always give you a chance to explain yourself and even if I didn’t believe you I would still love you for you with all your flaws.
SP: Then why are you pissed myanne is doing the same by staying with me even after i cheated. your crazy
Me: the favors I did for u in the last month.
SP: much appreciated what you did for me in this ‘month’ December is the month of giving anyway. Its xmas
Me: and then in the end when I tell you I’m your friend and I’m here for you no matter what you push me out? Who does that
SP: I do apparantly
Me: I don’t need your sympathy or a thank you that’s not what I’m looking for
SP:….. crazy person
I read your text coversation with your sociopath and the comments made by your sociopath could have easily been made by mine. I wanted to cry for you and for me. Please try not to contact this man again. He is only using you to strengthen his position with his girlfriend. He mocks you, he uses you and, should his new relationship begin to fail, he will pull you out of his top hat to make his woman jealous and keep her on the string. He is a low-life pc of excrement that deserves to be alone completely the rest of his miserable life. I am convinced that if we victims would just step back completely,their actions would catch up with them. He will pay for what he has done. Don’t let him use you anymore. No doubt he will step out of life long before you and then you can go to his graveside and make peace with him, the is the closest you’ll ever come to him when you will be truly safe. He’s a prick…let him pound sand.
Thanks Julie,
The funny thing is that now since things aren’t going well with his girlfriend and she broke up with him because she found out he was lying however, they still talk as she is trying to get back with him, I don’t blame her, we have all been through the same. So now he is trying to contact me alot, and anytime I bring up this email he sent me while he was with her he always says I did it for your benefit I knew that the only way I could set you free was if I was harsh with you and plus my girlfriend pressured me and wrote most of it. Whenever I ask him well why would you let her pressure you if you didn’t like her, he lies again and says she was manipulative and so forth again putting everything he is on someone else. She has also contacted me recently asking me why he is like this and now she understands what I was going through before but also can’t seem to get herself to leave him completely. I always go back and read that email every time he tells me nice things, he always uses the line, you have no idea what you mean to me, your the only girl I ever really loved, and I wish I could marry you, ok well if thats true why don’t you? And why did you leave me? As much as I knew what he is saying is bullshit, like I said before there is just comfort in seeing him, and after reading the harsh words again of course it hurts but I try to make excuses. Its been 7 years knowing him, and one year apart on and off, I don’t know why I can’t get over this. I guess maybe because I met him when I was so young I just fell in love hard and fast and its hard for me to admit to myself that it was all an illusion. It breaks my heart.
Broken
All Your story’s resonated with me big time,almost seems as if your words are my story.I thought I was dealing with a sociopath or something maybe someone here can enlighten me.I too was used ,lied too,manipulated and disguarded afterwords.9 yrs together bought a new car and a new home in the last year of the nine yearsat her request.Got custody of granddaughter was raising her,moved 1/2 my stuff and all the now exs stuff out of the rental to new home.I was paying rental and Morg and car besides working 12 hours a day and moving everything.6 months into it caught her cheating in the new home with her co worker ,she triangulated me tried to move cheat in still while I was paying Morg and expected me to do so.would not let me in house or have 1/2 of my stuff moved there ,fought me tooth and nail.She moved out with cheat within 1 week of me getting a lawyer she got engaged 1 month into being with cheat,mind you she was engaged to me up till that point and still wears my ring also.broke into locked garage and stole my things,I got it all on video.It cost me 5000 at lawyer to get her name off house deed and an unforeseen amount yet to remortgage I’m still in process.i had to trade car in to get her name off it we jointly owned it.Took a 10,000 hit there cause of it being to new to trade. And a lawyer Bill too,I about nearly lost my mind.To someone I gave my everything to.Knocked me clear on my ass I never saw it coming.I am still in the fog and we r 5 months into this at this point.I went no contact for 60 days had lawyer set everything up.when car got signed over she said she messed up and wanted to come back ,I was the love of her life soulmate yadda,yadda,yadda.She left cheat or cheat threw her out.She put a gun to her head while she lived with cheat and says it’s all because of me,she says all her Facebook posts were about me,she says she is not a parent to her own adult children because of me,I could go on and on.I asked her how is this possible when you were not with me you chose to live with someone else and how is it I’m the ill of all your wills.She gives me to many burdens to bare. she rented a apartment down the street from new house started counseling lasted 1 month and went back to cheat,got re engaged.Smeared it all over social media so the word got back to me which it did.Told all her new friends at her job,cause she had non before that I hurt her,I do nothing for her,I don’t love her,I’m mean and lord knows what else cause they will not even speak to me.But they do not know me only what was told to them. In My case tho who she cheated with was not better looking than I,does not make more money,nor in my opinion has a morals either,blew my ego to smithereens.so now they are both neighbors so to speak.i have blocked my number and email,I was never her Facebook friend,calls started coming from her work I have blocked that and I will not let her see the child we raised till I get clarity on what the hell is wrong with her.This has sucked the life out of me I can’t wrap my head around a life time of what it seems like a train wreck in 5 month time. 2 other people have stepped forth and said they had affairs with her prior in our 9 year tenor .I am certain there is a lot I don’t know at this point.All from her same job that she has for 3 years now.She tried to get my sister fired from work and went to all my family members to do what I don’t know they refused to talk to her cause they said to me she is pure evil after what they saw.I struggle greatly with how did I not see any of this in the 9 years.I have no friends she isolated me and ran them off accuising me of having affairs with them.Never once did I step that way and I just gave all my time to her not to fight or cause friction cause she seemed to be very jealous,and we did not fight hardly at all-We got along well . she portrayed that she was a happy camper. She was a well keep woman I did everything,and got her what ever she wanted no matter how much it stressed me out ,guess that was part of my demise I made things to easy.she told me she fells empty inside,does not know why she takes everything good and ruins it that she is unhappy and can’t look in mirror does not like what she sees and does not know what she wants all in the last month On the social media she says she’s happy as hell and With the love of her life.so lying has been a huge problem that I’m only catching wind of in these last couple of months.then she calls my job last month and says WE drifted apart and I don’t love you.She can’t even take ownership in that it’s WE.So she is changing her mind so many times I can’t keep up.I do know however I am not the love of her life to go through all this crap.People do this to enemies not people they say they love.Right?????
I don’t even know her anymore her demeanor is different she dresses in clothes I have never seen before,her personality is mean and rough and nasty she used to be sweet ,gentle and kind.I need counseling and my peace of mind back….
So I wanted to share another part of the email I had sent my sp last year, in this email he was replying to what I had asked him in a previous email, and he replied sentence by sentence. It was so cruel. But like I said since he is a charismatic sp he was never able to say this to my face and if he does see me he lies and says he was manipulated into saying these things by his current gf. When I read this email that was when I was sure he was a sociopath, everything he said confirmed it….
To give some background, I’ve known him for about 7 years almost, and had dated him for 5. He has never said anything rude in my face, and when this email was sent he had lied to me about being with a girl, even though we were just friends at the time, and I would beg him to admit he is seeing someone, but he never would, all that so he can still sleep with me, because he knew if I knew he was with someone I wouldn’t have slept with him. I believe he was sincerely my best friend during that time, and he had disappeared a few times before, but like I said he never said anything bad, and was never able to in my face. Until he met this girl, which you can call his new target, thats when the smear campaigns started.
Here it is:
Me: This is the last method of contact you will here from me
SP: Lie – you sent e-mails after that and called and texts
Me: Did you really only talk to me again just because you wanted something, as I had predicted in the beginning or was it because you actually cared about our friendship.
SP: it was really just because i wanted something,
Me: I swear I wouldn’t have been mad if you were honest with me,
SP: Lie -I was and you are now jealous and its obvious
Me: You accuse me of trying to ruin your relationship with her, but I swear I’m not,
SP: You have been trying to get us apart so you can be the one to ‘save’ me
Me: I’m tired of you always being the one deciding when you don’t want to talk to me
SP: Then don’t wait for me to make a decision and stop talking to me yourself
Me: but you wouldn’t keep talking to me after every time we go through this, and I stop communication with you if you didn’t feel at least a little the same.
SP: You provided me with something i needed and it wasn’t you
Me: Remember when you said that there is always this string that pulls us together, I really liked that, because its true. But I feel like that string got pulled on so many times that this is it, one more move and its going to rip. And that’s the last thing I want to happen.
SP: It ripped. Thats the only thing i wanted to happen
Me: and you chose her over me, and everything that happened between us was a lie, then why go through all that bullshit?
SP: I’ll always choose her
Me: and you say I’m the one who seduced you and the kiss means nothing, are kidding me? You know thats not true.
SP: You did seduce me, but even if i kissed you it was just a kiss. NOTHING else, I let you do what you needed to give me what I want.
Me: I wish you would sit and think and compare all the people you know, and see how kind I treated you giving you so many chances, forging and always being by your side.
SP: I have and came to the colclusion that we cannot be in each others lives. At all
Me: I want you to know that if you truly mean what your saying to Myanne now that you do not want to talk to me again, and that’s what you really want I won’t argue, but you say yourself you hate her, then you must be one fucked up boyfriend
SP: Another lie, you havnt stopped arguing
Me: I thought you didn’t like her anyways, I would beg you to admit you liked her and then you would say she looks like my maids asshole, and its over between you two.
SP: Lie – and Well now you know i don’t only like her but i love her
Me: I need my best friend that I’m able to talk to no matter what, and I’ve always been there for you
SP: You know what i don’t get, why you wont understand that i want u to leave me alone
Me: I’m not asking you to love me, I don’t want to be with you, I don’t love you that way anymore, I just don’t want to lose my friend.
SP: And then you compare yourself to Myanne saying “it hurts to know that I’m not loved that way” and saying ” you still call Myanne and update her on whats going on with you,”
Me: I know you better than anyone
SP: then in a text you said my parents know me better than anyone – you can never stick to one thing
Me: So this time if you chose not to speak anymore to me, this is a life long decision. Just think about it…..
SP: Life long decisions are smoking, healthy eating, career choice, marriage, not this, but anyways you are a no.
Me: Myanne is the one who took my number from your phone a long time ago and never even told you anything about it, Msged me behind your back, at least thats what you told me when I confronted you about it
SP: Lie- we both told u i knew. By the way, i knew she took it we were together in the car that night, talking to you actually the first time your repeating it to make her look bad, but u look terrible now
Me: I can’t force you to feel something from the last email, you never did in the past
SP: Well then if you know why are you still trying to force it
Me: anyways so what would make me think me writing a long ass email will work this time.
SP: I don’t know..I ask myself the same question
Me: I just really want to end this, so man up and call me yourself and tell me don’t just disappear like a little pussy, and send message, I want to hear it face to face or at least on the phone without people next to you I need you to tell me you don’t want to see me again.
SP: Thats what ive been saying for ages now
Me: And it’s your choice now if you want to give up someone who really knows and cares about you just to make other people happy.
SP: Lie – you don’t think its my choice, you don’t respect it
Me: follow what you want.
SP: I am trying to but your in my way
Me: I have all the msgs u sent me about myanne and I could have easily showed it to her
SP: You showed her nothingbecause there is nothing and threats wont make me talk to you
Me: you turn into this person, who is so cold hearted and feelingless toward anything I have to say. So I have a feeling its the second one this time.
SP: Spot on
Me: I don’t know how you can switch between the two so fast
SP: Because I wake up and realise my mistake
Me: If that girl is with u even after she found out u cheated on her then she must be desperate.
SP: She found out and i am working on earning her trust and she learns to forive me for a mistake i will regret til i die. She isn’t desperate she has a heart of gold and is mature enough to see past my childish actions
Me: I’m not saying you love me but all I know is you don’t love her your just convincing yourself u do cuz u know she’s ur only hope.
SP: Youre the one who is convincing yourself i don’t love her because im your only hope
Me: The fact that you couldn’t call me without waiting for her to be next to you to put it on speaker, well that says it all
SP: It does. It says i want to be open with her from now on and so she can see that ill do whatever it takes to show her im sorry
Me: You know very well if it wasn’t for her telling u not talk to me u still would
SP: Not that thats the reasn, but im glad i have her to reassure me
Me: shows how disgusting of a human being u are
SP: If you don’t like disgusting people, then leave me alone
Me: The least u could have done is talked to me alone or met me face to face
SP: Why would i see you face to face when its what im avoiding. The most i could have done is replied, i did that.
Me: Bye have a nice life I won’t bother u again.
SP: Lie – youre still bothering me 1 week later
Me: what we had was a real connection
SP: you used ‘had’ – if it was real it would’ve lasted
Me: I was never cheated on by you
SP: just because i didn’t cheat doesn’t mean i did it out of love.. i just never got the chance
Me: You let your girlfriend drive your car, you never let me drive your car and we were together for 5 years, you have only been with her for a few months.
SP: Why does that bother you, i trust her with my life, my car isn’t different
Me: you probably never even loved me when we were dating and were never my friend because if you were before u would have never said the stuff your saying now.
SP: Thats right. I didn’t. And i wouldn’t
Me: I’m sorry about what I said to you and her but you both used me and said mean things too
SP: We did.
Me: Again. Sorry for anything that u feel I’ve wronged you in.
SP: No problem.
Me: You should be able to tell her anything, and know that she might be upset but she would never get mad at you.
SP: Thats contradicting you said then – ” after what u said to me last night any normal person would get mad”… “you would know right away if I’m mad at you” youre trying to start a fire but your words are so empty.
Me: your a sociopath
SP: Since you like research look up bipolar and personality disorders.. check up more on lying you have a long road you go till your honest for any other reason than your own benefit. Youre just like who i used to be
Me: And believe me your girlfriend doesn’t know you half as well as I do,
SP: Thats ok she has all the time in the world to get to know me
Me: Because your girlfriend herself told me that if the stuff I’m saying to her is true your relationship would be over by now.
SP: Lie – She never said that. I saw every single word in all 3 conversations between you both – thats proof of ruining my relationship. So you saying youre not is another LIE
Me: I don’t want to talk to you,
SP: Lie – you cant stop talking to me or at all.
Me: and I don’t need a reply.
SP: LIE – You always ask for a reply. “at least reply to this e-mail” “I want to hear it from you”
Me: you really have no excuse to tell me I left traces or strands behind because even if u wanted to get a hold of me you wouldn’t be able to
Me: LIE! Youre still texing me from you old number and youre sending me e-mails
Me: it would be dumb of me to still love and care about you after what happened.
SP: Then i guess your dumb
Me: All those times I came to your house and your work and missed classes and took cabs back even though I had a ride but instead came to you believing you wanted to spend time with me, I did that knowing that most likely this shit would happen and you would do like you do every time and say you don’t want to talk to me anymore, I’m not stupid, I know that’s how you are. But I believed that maybe you would change.
SP: Youre not stupid? Sure? You have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: That’s what you call unconditional love
SP: Or unrequited love or an obsessive disorder of sorts or co-dependency
Me: and it takes a while to build that, and it doesn’t come by easily.
SP: It doesn’t come easily and appartently it sticks to u like a leech
Me: You probably can’t name one thing you’ve ever risked for someone else.
SP: I can name some but not to u just because i risked nothing for you doesn’t mean i didn’t risk anything for others. Myanne for example
Me: I spent 6 years of my life with you, gave you my all, trusted you, moved to a different country for you, supported you, loved you, I was never able to hide anything from you.
SP: Neither does myanne if thats what your getting to
Me: I would always give you a chance to explain yourself and even if I didn’t believe you I would still love you and forgive you with all your flaws.
SP: Then why are you pissed myanne is doing the same by staying with me even after i cheated. your crazy
Me: the favors I did for u in the last month.
SP: mwhat you did for me in this ‘month’ December is the month of giving anyway. Its xmas
Me: You know yourself more than anyone that you haven’t treated anyone as bad and good as you’ve treated me,
SP: Ive treated people worse i don wanna reach with u and believe me ive treated people better
Me: and then in the end when I tell you I’m your friend and I’m here for you no matter what you push me out? Who does that
SP: I do apparantly
Me: I don’t need your sympathy or a thank you that’s not what I’m looking for
SP: ….. crazy person
I do understand. When my ex throws me crumbs I feel like I’m on top of the world. Mine has used and abused and dumped me and gotten back with me a number of times over 20 years. He has broken my heart and it is clear you are broken hearted too. He just isn’t good for you or, anyone else. If you let him he will use you to torture this other woman. Please don’t let him. He is the devil incarnate. Nothing he says can be trusted. You, on the other hand, seem to be well spoken, well educated and able to be healed. Perhaps you would benefit from some counseling. Let this jerk stew in his own juice. He is headed for a disaster. Some decent man will come along for you when you know you deserve one. You do deserve one. Quit analyzing this s.o.b. He is really not that complicated. He’s a child masquerading as an adult who is 100 percent selfish, has no conscience and does not care about you or anyone else. He has no passion therefore he can’t be intimate in ways you deserve. He’sl obot,programmed for evil. There is nothing you can do to him to truly hurt him so let lige get him…his day will come.
I broke no contact. He text I replied, we met, we had sex. And it was crap sex, even kissing him was crap. So now I’m disgusted with myself. He has an 8 week old baby and he’s sleeping with me. WTF. Actually as I typed that I realised, his wife has a new baby, there will be no sex there. He’s using me for sex. I am an idiot.
As I said earlier, as a sociopath he is incapable of real passion. I have used the word perfunctory to describe the feeble forms of love making he can perform. Gross, a shade perverted and completely unsatisfying. I can’t imagine any sociopath being any different. All you can possibly get from him is a few I love yous and a bunch of insincere compliments, nothing more. Yes, you are in the stand by position so, take yourself out. Find a great new guy, a fun hobby, take a long vacation and flip this guy off!
Hey forgive yourself. This will help strengthen your resolve with no contact. Write down how it made you feel this time. Start no contact again. Keep going. Get out that piece of paper if you feel tempted again.
I broke no contact too. And in a humiliating way. He text asked me to help him with a couple things…you know things like a live-in girlfriend would do. I replied and like the spineless person I am, I agreed to help him. He didn’t want to see me he just wanted me to do things for him…he didn’t even offer to share a cup of coffee with me as thanks. Why am I surprised??? In my head I wanted to tell him to go F— himself, but my heart answered first…stupid heart. He is still messing around with this other girl who I find out today is an unstable bi-polar…and most likely a narcissist…but she “Lights up his world”…im so hurt to know this girl gets all the loving names and I got thrown out like trash….and he still turns to me to do things for him and doesn’t even have to call me beautiful or gorgeous to get me to respond. I don’t respect myself at all…so its no wonder he doesn’t either. I’m furious that I allowed this…and can’t believe that knowing all this my heart still flutters when he calls/texts. I WANT TO GET THIS MAN OUT OF HEAD AND HEART. I am so desperate tonight. I can not see an end to this…why does he need me but not show me any kind of endearment like the others??
I meant to type he is a robot programmed for evil. Let life get him. Be happy:)
It seems my post went twice, oops. Sorry!
Its odd to me that a lot of people, like you said, Julie, say that their SP were horrible in bed, because for me it was the complete opposite, and what makes it very difficult for me to move on is that when I do like a guy and everything is perfect about him I will always compare the sex to my sp, and this will kill me because no one has even been close. I guess maybe its because my sp studied me so well that he just knows all the right way to please me, because I heard from his last girlfriend stories about him that made him seem like a complete different person in bed, she would describe him as the most agressive type which I guess she was into so he put on that persona for her, because with me it wasn’t like that at all, it was more passionate and gentle. So I assume just like how they mirror our feelings they also mirror what we do sexually and give us what we want. Thats why I’m surprised to hear that your sp and some others are horrible and un satisfying.
Mine was too worst I ever had maybe our subconscious was trying to protect us somehow.
Mine was not good in bed either….but I felt so much for him I was always, and still am, sexually attracted to him. For me it was more that it was the only real time I felt intimately connected to him. Ugh.
Thank you Xxx
I thought mine was awesome in bed, but now that I think about it, he was very mechanical…I was in a marriage that was not very passionate, so sex was one of my core wounds.
I remember when I was on good terms with my sp recently thinking we were finally solving our problems and we had gotten back together after all the nasty things that were said by him and his ex girlfriend, and he made a commitment that he wouldn’t speak to her again behind my back, and that if he does talk to her he tells me, I forgave all the past nasty things that were said and we had moved on. Then one day I was at work and I found out he was messaging his ex on Facebook and flirting with her telling her he misses her and wants to see her and they were talking every night saying I love you and so forth, I confronted him and called him a disgusting liar, who is so pathetic and desperate for attention, he then went on to say that he accidentally replied to her one day and got stuck messaging her, so I told him to stop with the bullshit and that I saw that he told her he loved her and you can’t accidentally type that, then he went on to give me the bullshit of I’m sorry I don’t know why I said that, she is just very manipulative and she always tries to push herself back into my life and I promise I’ll never speak to her again, you will see, I’ll change please give me a chance and he kept whining and begging and crying, I told him that this was his chance and he blew it after all this was like the 15th or so chance I gave him, I then got very angry and told him everyone would be better off if he died.
OMG, you are not going to believe the shit he did when I said that, I had hung up on him after saying that, so he called so many times, and texted me and said how dare you say that, that is so evil, I would never say something like that, that really hurt, your are the most evil heartless person ever, I can’t believe you told me that. I was furious, how dare he call me evil after all he’s done to me before… So I called him back and told him you have no right to say these things to me, your the one who not only told me to go die before, you said it with your current girlfriend at the time, and you to be exact told me, “go die, you deserve to be found in the sewage and waste in a garbage bin dead somewhere, you lifeless, heartless, human.” When I reminded him of these words he then said yes, your right, I’m so sorry now I know how it feels, but what you said really hurt, I told him I’m sorry I said that, but you have no right to make me feel bad for it, anyways I’m sorry but I do not want to talk to you, because you lied to me AGAIN after giving another chance. He then would not let it go, apologizing like crazy and demanding I talk to him, I turned off my phone, and he came and picked me up from work kept apologizing and kept telling me that he wants to call his ex gf in front of me to prove that its over, I told him I’m not like her and I’m not into that shit because it was done to me before, and I like to trust I don’t like to have to see it for myself. He then still called her just to prove as much as could he was literally doing everything possible to keep me there.
The reason I am sharing this story is to give an example of how far of lengths they will go to to prove they are innocent and that they are in love with you when they really aren’t, all because at the time he needed to use me for something of his own benefit and he wasn’t done with me yet, as you probably can predict exactly a month later he threw me away with no warning and disappeared and went back to his ex girlfriend…. Great story huh?
Now, three months later, he is done with his girlfriend for the time being and now moved back to me, and it will be a constant cycle forever, and stupid me, I need to have enough courage and pride to be done with it and not answer and give in to his lies, I would be an idiot if I didn’t. But as always my heart takes over for that lifeless shit. And I hate myself for it!!! I deserve so much better, and I’ve had guys who treated me better but he managed to belittle them and push them all away and at the time try to prove that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, only to throw me away letter or just stock me to the side until he needs me again. The part that bothers me the most is that girl that he goes back and forth to from me to her, is an absolute piece of trash, she is very low class and is nasty in the way she speaks, she is also not the prettiest of girls, not even close to pretty, she looks like a man to be exact but I don’t like to put people down, but its just astonishing to me that he can leave me for her when look wise and personality wise she doesn’t even compare. All that because he needs to use her for whatever he wants at the time. He is even embarrassed of her when he is with her as he doesn’t take her out with friends and always lies when he is with her because he is too embarrassed to admit he is dating her, with me he wasn’t like that, he would brag to all his friends and take me everywhere with him, and talk about me all the time. But he is a sociopath so of course he will date anyone no matter what they look like that probably isn’t even that important to them.
Nope. It doesn’t matter what they look like at all–only that they have something to give SPs–attention, adoration, sex, money, access to a car, food, alcohol, a vulnerable soul. They feed off it if all. A relative of my SP yesterday called him a “scavenger,” which is so true. He moves from one person to another in relationships, jobs, hobbies, residents. Nothing sticks. Many times they’ll stay married, despite multiple affairs, because the wife makes them look more legitimate. He’s got to have it together if he got her–she’s pretty (that is often the case when looks do matter to them), got a secure job, benefits, etc. But, she still has fallen prey to his game too. I wonder if they say exactly the same loving things to different women at the same time. That would be so classic–same words.
I hope you can get the courage/strength to get away before he burrows deeper and deeper into your heart, making it harder later. I got strength by writing down and rereading a list of horrible things he did or said to me that no “friend” of any kind would do. Every day I’d read it over and over. 6 months later, I’m still repeating that list in my head. Facing the truth, which is so hurtful is really hard. Denial had taken me over and I think is still there a bit because I haven’t reached acceptance that it really was all a lie yet.
You seem clear-headed about what’s going on now. It gets harder and harder to accept the longer it goes on. If you haven’t already, you’ll start to feel/see when he’s lying. They get more desperate to keep control of you. The more small things you do to stand up for yourself, the madder and meaner they get. The games get worse and meaner and more hurtful. For me, at a certain point, the pain was far outweighing the dosing he would provide (which felt great up to the end) and I was such a wreak physically and emotionally, I felt almost dead. I still haven’t got the head and heart on the same page, but that is the goal. Before I broke it off, so little of me was there anymore and no one in my life, except maybe my counselor, gets it. And, those on this site. I wish we could get together in groups, in person.
It pains me to read what you wrote. I’m sorry he’s such an ass. Very good strength and luck to you. If I can do this, and I felt I was a totally lost cause, you can do this too.
@Making it Out,
Thanks for your reply. Regarding what you said about wondering if they use the same loving words to women at the same time, this was very true for my SP, when I had spoken to his ex girlfriend and seen messages he had sent her it was as if he was speaking to me, the same nicknames and phrases, he even uses the same sorry sentences, I remember one time I was trying to convince her he is a liar so she told me I just want to call him and see what he has to say so I told her tell me what you will say to him and I’ll tell you exactly what he will say, she was shocked, she was like that is exactly what he says word for word, and how do I know that? Because he uses the same with me. Every time he apologizes about something he apologizes in the same way, at first he will say sorry I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I did that, and that I love you and you mean more to me than anyone else, you understand me unlike other people, then if I don’t believe him he will go on to turn the water works and start crying and saying he can’t believe how bad he fucked up and he wish he had another chance and that things were like they use to be.
Anyways he does the same thing with her, he also uses the same words when he is being all sweet, with very few differences, which relate to preferences of me or her, like something i like he will do or something she likes he will do. But he will change his personality completely to go with what the person expects him to do. The only difference is that he has never cried in front of his other 2 girlfriends, so that is what use to have me believe that he really does have feelings for me, since he dated me the longest and has known me the longest out of the three, the other two he only dated for 6 months- 1 year or so. But its probably all fake too.
After I found out he is a sociopath its like even when I believe what he says I can’t warm up to him like I use to and be comfortable around him, because part of me knows that there is this evil inside him, so I guess that is a good thing because even when I do get weak and agree to talk to him at least when he disappears I don’t feel hurt like before because I remember that he is just a lifeless fake person, before I use to be devastated because I would like its something I did or I’m not worthy enough. So I hope that helps others too, just know that they are the sick ones and don’t be jealous if they are with someone else because no matter what it will be a fake kind of love, there is nothing to be jealous about. However, I do understand all of you when you say its hard not to speak to them because its the same with me, even when I know how evil he can be I still fall for his shit. Because there is a comfort there somewhere, the comfort of someone understanding you for who you really are, and even though I know he uses that to his own benefit my heart just can’t let go of that connection even though its fake.
But I am glad that I have come a long way since last year, and its all thanks to this site and all you guys for helping me with your stories and knowing I’m not the only one going through this. last year before I knew he was a sp, I was humiliated by the emails he sent me with his gf and I was so jealous and felt like a a worthless shit for letting his use me, and I was so in love with him because I believed that the love we had was real. I was at the point of ultimate depression and I thought my life was over. now even when I do get weak and talk to him I am so far from that low point in my life. And I have you all to thank!
Once again, the things you have written about what your sociopath has said and done could have been said and performed by my sociopath. I don’t know you but, I have such compassion for you. When I met my sociopath I was a relatively young woman. Twenty four years later I am not so young and, I consider all the years I spent waiting for my sociopath to do the right thing wasted time and wasted effort. He honored someone else with marriage. A woman who is not attractive but widowed and presumably with good financial assets. He had to destroy me to convince her to marry him. I guess my question is, do you want to run the risk of becoming me? It could happen. Or, you can choose a better life. One filled with family, love, the good things of life. They come back to us because we let them. They will always leave us for someone newer, richer, better or, whatever. It is no fun being alone butyou are young…you will find a good guy.
I’m missing him today. Missing being a part of his life (0nly via his stories of course, I never met anyone!)
I truly hate not knowing where he is or what he’s doing. It kills me
I feel the same way. I want to know what happened in a lot of situations–since his life was my life, how are his kids? His job? His health? But, then I tell myself, whatever I might found out if I dug for info. would hurt me. What if he’s met another woman and is love bombing her, he’s told everyone I’m nuts, he’s doing really well job wise, etc–that would upset me more and I’m trying to heal and get away from that emotional pain. That keeps me from doing so, God I can’t let him hurt me more. Reading these posts from people who break contact reminds me of the dangers of doing so. I haven’t read one post where someone is happy they got back together.
Not knowing what he’s doing will help you break free (separate) emotionally. Really, it’s a good tool, not a bad thing, even though it feels that way now. Hang in there. You’re doing well!
I dropped off his key today as asked. In his mailbox when he wasn’t home (I must be truly repulsive)
I wanted to look through his mail – any information, any thing I can use fir revenge. But I didn’t.
I’m proud of myself because those sorts of actions are not me!!! I became this person to outwit him!! Catch up on his lies!
So head held high I walked away from.his house. Pots and things I gave him are still there. I hope it hurts him to see them every day!
Oh this is hard
Hello, tonight is my first visit here….. I wanna just say love this forum ..i have enjoyed reading these great post by true survivors soon to be thrivers! I believe the first obstacle we must get past is realizing what has just happened to us! Which we all have! The shock is devastating! Speaking subjectively, The character assination to cover their tracks, criminal acts, immoral acts is unbelievable ! How is it that someone who has taken wedding vows with you only 8 months ago has told heartbreaking lies to his family which causes division and turns them totally against you !!!!!! Who does this?! I thought, has he gone insane temporarily or lost his senses for a while but bound to realize what he has done & soon will clear your good character and name!! No! What he does is to continue to support his lies against you with more lies, backstabbing, not deceit!!! Then the serial cheating , first porn addiction /sex addiction . Now I find out 3 months ago he has been financially supporting a prostitute / sugar baby for over a year who he met on a San Francisco California business trip. Oh my god this is a nightmare ! The beginning of the end occurred 2 years ago. I forgave him, then it only got worse ,which now has brought me to this ! Sociopaths are rotten to the core. They will not back down from their lies even when caught. They have no remorse ,only pissed off bc their affairs are exposed! Pure evil …devils advocates… It is Niles’s than soul rape. They violate your heart, mind ,spirit and being as a hole… It’s like selling your soul to the devil… I am down to nothing… This man has taken my soul! But I ain’t dead yet ! I am taking my soul back piece by piece ! He will notwin He may have won a few battles over thel last 2 and a half years but he ain’t winning the war! I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and be grateful for each day he no longer is in my life … He no longer mind controls me .. I have taken that back too because it belongs to me!
Joy that was so inspirational! I wish I had that fight in me. Today I feel depleted. so sad hes not in my life
Joelene – try to be strong, I understand how you feel. This week I have been missing my dead SP. Not sure why. Then I thought about how we all buy in to the idea of the “soulmate” – SPs know this, it’s their prime weapon. What I was missing was the idea of having a soulmate, I am lonely for that, he was never one, although he did a fantastic job of pretending to be! Our hearts ache for that special person to share our life with, because life can be tough and lonely, even in a crowd. I have some lovely friends, but when I’m in a group I miss being half of a couple, I only remember the good things then – and how he convinced people how much he adored me. Of course, it was rubbish, he only adored me for how I made his life easy and gave him everything. So what was I missing? The illusion. As we have all said here, they are so clever at manipulating you into believing the vision they create. It is no more real than believing yourself to be in love with a character in a film. They create the illusion on the foundation of our NEED.
I try to concentrate on how I can make things happen in my life on my own, it’s a struggle, I’m shy amongst strangers. Who knows then what wonderful things might happen? We have to be strong for ourselves. It’s ok to miss someone, to be sad, to feel a bit lonely, but the solution is not to be found in the lies and cruelty of a person who plays you as a pawn in their game.
I feel for us all. Love Lana. X
I’ve been missing him so much. The way he excited me….I let him back in this week with phone calls. He called me the last 3 days and talked to me for hours. He laughed and joked like he use to with me and I was enraptured. My heart opened to hope again…then I learned he was with her again last night. This morning I remebered why I left him. How in the end he is just using me. He will always just use me if I let him and I will always be here, alone, picking up the pieces of my heart again…
Healing Heart-I miss it too. It still astounds me how these people can be so cruel. I’m glad you’ve come to your conclusion though. It takes a last straw or last stab before you just can’t take it anymore! Maybe that was yours. Wishing you the best.
Aargh! Broke nc :((
Told him I missed him, still love him etc. He smiled. Then later he asked me to drop his house key in his letter box!!!
Ok I’ll drop it in but that’s it. It’s over. I have to cut ties!!!! I’m so annoyed for breaking nc! Ugh
Joelene – don’t beat yourself up over it, we’ve all been there. In a way, he’s done you a favour, every time you miss him again, you can remember this episode, and how it made you feel. I bet he smiled, I can just imagine it, expect he had a thrill from thinking he has power over you – he doesn’t – you have your life and can make of it what you choose.
You are the better person because you truly FEEL – it is this capacity for love and caring that makes us vulnerable.
Thankyou x
I’m annoyed I broke nc and I was pleased when he responded.
Of course I was then gutted that he asked me to drop key in, and said he’d leave a thing of mine in the mailbox for collection. I said ‘you dint need to ask for it back. Id never break into your house! He said’i never thought ypu would bye ‘. I then said I’d drop it in. He suggested Monday. All ended politely I guess. I just want to put this in the ‘closed’ box
OMG will my heart ever be free of love for this man??? Today I am in pain and struggling. The fantasies of a life with him are so easily stoked….and the reality of his rejection of me always follows.
I wrote him a,letter saying good bye…I know I need to send it for me not for him. I need to get on with my life because it is so hard to see the beauty in my life with this damn longing and emptiness of Him hanging there. He uses me to,fill his time and soothe his emptyness, but he never fulfills mine and never will. I am full of that horrible sadness again today…but I am fighting it. I am getting busy and getting out with loved ones today…Oh heart please let him go!!!!
I understand how you feel as the last few days for me have been very challenging. I read the book, “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout ph.d during this time and it seemed to help. Sometimes I wonder if moving far away would help at all? In any event, I hope you have a good day out with friends and family and that you meet the man you really deserve:)
The sociopath reaches deep inside his victim to discover the insecurities that reside there. With their compliments and declarations of love they bandage old wounds they cannot possibly heal. In the end, as they depart with yet another victim, they rip off the bandage, exposing the old insecurities and leaving the first victim worse off than they were before they met him.
Julie. Well said.
positivagirl says:
May 26, 2015 at 9:16 am
Hi, what he is doing in those periods of silence, is just keeping his options open. Sociopaths rarely let a source of supply go, ‘just in case’. So they ignore you, knowing that nothing is really closed. It is like a cat and mouse game that they play. The game will continue for as long as you allow it to continue. Sociopaths don’t think of other peoples feelings, not really. it is all about them. What they can get. You would think it reasonable, that if you don’t want to be with somebody, then just ‘end it’, but it doesn’t work like that for them. They prefer to keep the door open, just in case. 1. It makes them feel empowered, and 2. Because they can 3. They don’t like being alone. On that note, during those times of silence, don’t think for one minute that he is just ‘alone’ he isn’t he is with somebody else. He gets back in touch, just to touch base to ensure that you are not moving on. Its about ownership, possession and control. It’s the way that they work and operate.
Thank you positivagirl for that explanation of why they go silent. I wondered for years even before I came across this site and after I did, why does he do that, why does he disappear and not answer any calls and I would send him messages begging him to end it with me, or tell me whats going on so I can know and he would never. and he would just reappear sometimes for a couple days sometimes for weeks sometimes for months, and act like nothing happened, always making lame excuses like I wasn’t near my phone, I was so busy with work, I had problems. I would tell him after years of him doing this, its getting old, this is like the 20th time, and you’ve said all these excuses before, and promised you wouldn’t again. There is nothing in the world that could stop you if your still alive from picking up the phone and calling me or texting me just once, nothing! and he would in the end just keep saying sorry, your right, I’m stupid I didn’t think of that, I was over whelmed any bullshit but he will never admit he did it on purpose, and the ONLY time he will reappear from hiding is when I send him a message telling him fuck you I’m not waiting for you this time I’m done and I would block him then he would appear right away, and from reading what you said now it makes total sense!!
He is actually talking to me these days since I told him that, and I told him that I swear if he disappears again without warning I’m gone for good and I mean it, and he can sense I really mean it this time because I’ve changed and the look in his eyes when I said that, was like a puppy wanting food that he can’t get. He was like no please don’t say that I promise I won’t I won’t. But knowing him he will probably last a few months max and disappear again he will never take it seriously until I really do leave and even if I do well he can find a new target, even though I’m his favorite so he treats me with a bit of special priority. But its just sickening thinking of it that way, Just knowing that the person you thought was your soul mate and spent 7 years of your early adult life with and lost your virginity to is actually a fucking soulless shit robot. That treats me like something he owns his stupid toy he plays with when he gets bored. Its just sick! But I’m glad I found this site because if I didn’t I would have been the mess I was before I did, always thinking that it was something wrong with me and feeling heart broken, now when he disappears I don’t get heartbroken anymore I just get upset that I let it happen to me again, because how can something with no heart break your heart…..
Thank you again positivagirl you have no idea how much you’ve helped me! and I actually will find the courage to not wait for him to disappear this time, and just disappear myself before he does.
Yesterday marked two years after the last time we see each other, but he still sending me messages and trying to contact me. Not to see our daughter, but to say “It was so fun to be with you if you want to have fun again call me”. I didn’t answer and his messages turn around to the usual, “you are a bitch, a whore. That’s the reason I’m not with you. I’m ashamed of being with you. I will sue you, and ask for a DNA test…etc” They always are looking for ways to get around. In my case he was always who reject me, at the end I was the one who have to stop all contact. No contact is the only answer. When you answer to their advances you give them fuel to keep the control over your life. Our girl is now a teenager and she was the one who asks me to stop any communication with him.
I haven’t seen him in 2.5 months. We have talked and text…and each time my heart desperately waits for the endearments that he misses me. Or the acknowledgement that his life is less without me. The words never come from him because they can’t. For some reason my SP never used endearments to keep me…he could be very sincere in other ways and would always speak of and demonstrate “remorse” for not being able to give me more or love me the way I wanted and needed. Through therapy I am beginning to I understand that he knew my character and knew I would only try harder.
But today none of it matters because I am so full of missing him. I loved waking up with him. I loved playing board games and drinking coffee and watching television with him. I was so proud to be seen with him because I thought he was so handsome and so exciting. I am trying desperately to force those feelings out and remember the ugliness of him and our relationship…his silent treatments and lies. The way he would twist situations to make me sound crazy and him the victim. The way he isolated me and made me feel I was never enough…never enough.
There is another man in my life who wants to be with me. He is kind. And I am ashamed that I cant feel for him the way I feel for the bastard SP that broke my soul and ripped out my heart….and continues to. Everyday I beg to find a way to loosen his grip on me.. to find the strength to walk away for good. Will that day ever come?
Dear Healinf Heart,
Reading your post I very much feel for you and what your going through. I realized however sociopaths will only give u as much words and actions as you need. I realized this because my sp would try harder with his other girlfriend because she was more of a pain in the ass and with me when I started to not give in to his lies right away and ask to see proof of actions he would work hard and try to sweet talk with the words so much more so it’s all based on how much it takes for them to own you again.
The part you mentioned about meeting someone new but not able to have feelings for them like your sp this I can relate to. I remember before I knew he was a sociopath we had broken up because of family reasons and drug related issues as he was in rehab at the time and a lot of good guys came along and I would have fun with them and be attracted and everything but always a part of me longed for the relationship I had with my ex. Especially the sex I would always compare and it was not anything compared to what I had with him but I use to ask myself why can’t I like this man when he is giving me everything a decent boyfriend should. He would treat me so nicely that I thought it was weird. I wasn’t use to be treated well and being admired and cared for and having him always want to spend time with me and such that I pushed him away fast. It’s almost like my sp turned me into an evil person who now likes being treated that way and always having to fight for my relationship. I got use to relationships being harder than that that I thought what I had with the other guy was weird and that he was clingy and I pushed him away fast especially when my sp got out of rehab and talked to me I ran right back into his evil arms. While with him I stayed away from all guys, I would always cry and wonder wil I ever find someone that I love as much as him and what is it that I love so much about him. Is it just the comfort in him as I known him since I was 18 and spent 7 years with him, living with him and him being my first love. But I would be so devastated, I wanted to find someone I would fall as in love with as him. But when I would think it’s because of the familiar feel of the relationship that made me love him I realized that I fell in love with him the first day I met him and I know that’s not possible but it happened I think that’s from how good they are at charming and mirroring.
Anyways so you don’t lose hope after 4 months of no contact and learning he was with a new girlfriend that he was somewhat serious with as he had been with her for longer than half a year which is the longest since me, I tried to move on and I came across a great guy, cute, a gentleman, took care of me, always cared for me and for my feelings, a Harvard law graduate with a great job. Everything was perfect even sex was great. But stupid stupid foolish me my sp called me and I answered and although j was hesitant I let him back into my life again and as soon as he learned j was happy with this new guy he started saying oh he is great for you, of course you would want to be with him, I fucked up the chance we had together and I don’t deserve another, he played the feel bad for me Act. Kept going on about how he fucked up and it’s too late and how he always wanted to marry me and he was blinded by his so called manipulative ex, and I’ve always been his soulmate and I continued seeing that guy but he traveled for a few months and sp took his chance and he passed. He saw that I wasn’t yet commited to this new guy and swept right in, dumb me I didn’t realize he was still with his gf and when I found out he ended it with her right away to keep me in the loop.
Anyways he did everything he could until I fell for him again and lost the other guy. Then disappeared again however still reappears to check in. So my point of this story, you will find a great guy once you open your heart to someone new and do no contact and forget about him. When I met this guy I had gone 4 months didn’t see him and 2 months I didn’t even think of him often or at all. And I met someone new and got that excitement I hadn’t felt in years, just don’t be dumb like me and screw it up and let. Your sp fool you, just be thankful you found someone great with a real heart and tell your sp to go fuck himself 🙂 I wish I had known what I do now then.
And I still hope that I will find something great again someday soon 🙂
Healing heart,
The day will come when you decide that you don’t want him on your life. I’m talking seriously here, please stop the communication, the texting, the emails, that only give you desperation and to him new ways to control you. It’s not easy but you have to be strong.
@ nomoreinsanity and sarahhnarrativepsych
Thank you. I believe you are right. Thank you for your encouragement.
I have been thinking about what makes my sp so attractive to me. Mine is cute but not exceptionally good looking. He’s short, a hundred pounds too heavy and not that intelligent. If I see him I fall instantly in love. His hugs are so warm and reassuring. He makes me feel calm. I remembered years ago that I used to visit in a particular prison. I didn’t know anyone, I went to spend time with people who were all too often forgotten. I was not the only one that visited. Anyway, I met this man there. He was big as a mountain. We sat together in the chapel. Whenever I sat next to him I had the same feeling I had with my sp, warmth and safety. I was informed that I needed cto exercise caution with him as, he was a dangerous serial rapist. This man got me thinking about my sp. Could it be that their lack of emotion mimicks calm, safety, even love? I have to wonder if this might be 90 percent of the hook? They seem like they are at rest when they are actually nothing more than a dry well. Idk but it seemed potentially significant at least in my situation.
Julie,
What you say about the calming and safety effect of the SP is exactly what I felt from mine! It is so odd to me that we are anything but safe but they are so good at projecting this calm, stillness. I used to comment on it to him all the time. He is a quiet man…in terms of his demeanor. He likes to talk and does so pretty regularly, but he is also very quiet…he watches people. He sits back, very casually and very comfortably and people just seem to gravitate to him. He seems to know a lot about a lot of things and dazzles people with charming intellect. He makes women blush and always comes off as if he is just being a sincere gentleman. These things always attracted me to him. I can remember vividly the very first time we met…I fell instantly. We knew each other for a very long time before we became intimate…im talking years. We were both married and I just wasn’t “his type.” He never let me forget that, although the past 2 years he couldn’t get enough of me. I think that’s what is so hard for me…he says he doesn’t want to be alone and yet he didn’t want me, he rejected me….but he also wont let me go, not completely. His actions and his words were never the same. He held me and touched me as if he could consume me….and I guess metaphorically he was. But his words were never loving. I moved out because I thought I could manage our relationship better with some distance. I also secretly hoped he would ask me not to leave….that he would reveal love for me. And while he did “grieve” me leaving at first I now know it was because he was losing regular access to his “supply.” Once he found a new supply ( which took only a couple weeks) he turned cold and hateful and even our long-term friendship no longer mattered. I question these things all the time….I question everything I feel and see with him. Its the only way I know to eventually let go for good.
I am frightened because I miss the Him I believed I loved and I know that one invitation back to see him could start this whole cycle again….especially since I think the new lover has disconnected to some degree. I deserve more than to be his option #2, his back up supply, his entertainment for lonely times. I was and am a generous partner and passionate lover that is devoted and sincere….odd how that just isn’t enough for him???? And odd that I believed I was safe with him???
HH
Thhey are all so similar. It’s like they are all haunted by the same demon from hell. Mine married his latest victim the 5th of December. He hasn’t attempted to contact me first since last May when I told him I had cancer. I have gotten him to answer a text or two. Weird but, he never broke up with me primarily because he wants me to go away, just not very far away. I feel confident he’ll call when his honeymoon is over and when he thinks I can forgive him. They are dispicable but irresistable too. They are like the hallow chocolate Easter egg,nothing on the inside but dreamy creamy lovely sweetness on the outside unless their done or, angry. I don’t really know if you ever really get over one unless you find another one to get involved with. So rateful for this site since we all need to vent and the similarity in our stories helps me realize I’m not crazy as he says…just broken, sad, lonely and angry. All very normal emotional reactions to being treated like crap. Thank you for your story and your empathy.
Gosh I could have written that post!!! My ExSP also made me feel safe bur 5 mths before he ended it, I was trying to think.of ways to get him to end it. I knew he’d never let me stay friends if I did it!!
So for all his safety I felt, there was this underlying feeling that every hour eith him took away from.my self confidence and esteem. I could feel.it sucking the life out of me
It’s ended and I have to accept it and rejoice in it. As hard as it may seem, it is definitely for the best
I think.thats a great point.!!! My ex sp was calm, easy going…. I always put it down to being worldly and wise with a simplistic approach. Now maybe it’s because he truly didn’t care about other people and had the knack for saying exactly what people wanted to hear!! His calm words of advice were things he never meant, never cared enough to experience. But things he knew should be said St times Luke those.
An excellent mimic
Healing heart – I’m.in the same boat. We can text each other instead 🙂
Your right, they are good at making you feel calm, which is weird because they have no feelings, the hardest part of admitting he was a sociopath after all those years knowing my sp was the face that I couldn’t believe all his feelings were fake. He is probably the most compassionate person and empathetic person I’ve known. He would listen to me talk for hours and say things to relax me and make me feel better, and not once would he switch the focus on himself. I thought he was my best friend, but they are good at storing information about us I think thats what makes them so good and being there for us is that they know us so well from observation not from love.
Until now even after all the evil things he has said to me I still feel comfortable talking to him, and I hate that. Why is it that the only person I opened up to in my life and trusted is a sociopath!!
Something that I always thought odd about him though that makes so much sense now is the fact that he would sometimes humiliate people he doesn’t know and I would tell him how could you do that, you hurt their feelings, but not one sense of remorse. Then ironically when he was with his other girlfriend at the time and wanted to make me look like a crazy person he also said very hurtful things, that I shared on here, I could not believe that this caring person who I thought was my best friend and boyfriend for 7 years could say these horrific things to me and not feel any guilt or shame…Little did I know…
I assume that healthy humans project their emotions to one another all of the time (without saying a word). Is it possible a depressed person can bring others down simply by being in their vicinity? On the other hand, since sociopaths have no feelings they do not project anything…leading others to believe that they are at rest when really they are hallow. In other words we mistake this blank state for emotional depth, peace, love,comfort, safety. I think this how the serial rapist could make me feel so comfortable. Can you imagine how easy it would be for him to lure victims with his ability? I was never afraid of him and, he could have killed me easily even with guards standing by. In my case, I think this how my sp kept me around. I wanted to feel his peace…which really never existed.
It is definitely spooky how similar all of these guys are. As I mentioned earlier, it is almost like they are haunted by the same demon. It sure seems like there is a play book out there for sociopaths only and they simply use the same moves over and over in every time and location on earth.
My sp tried to humiliate me once and, I set him straight. It never happened with me again but, I bet his three wives received/receive such comments all of the time. In the end, I know I was too healthy for him since I would stand up to him. Those that they marry are weak and extremely easy to control. That is what they are looking for. To an extent mine controlled me but there was a limit to what I would put up with, and he knew it. I think all of us on this site are like that…we were too independent to make a final cut. Good enough to keep in second place holding position but too risky for marriage. We just would not comply as directed.
I broke down and saw my sp. It has been almost 3 months. As proof of his hold on me his invite was crude but I jumped immediately. I had made plans for my evening and immeadiately without hesitation altered course…letting others down in my insatiable need to be with him. I hate myself for behaving this way. The difference this time was that I was completely concious of what I was doing and when I was with him what he was doing. It was like a silent commentary in my head from everything I’ve been learning on this site and from therapy. He was the same for the most part…but seemed angrier than usual. He seemed to struggle between wanting to be ingratiating to me and being in control of me emotionally with outspoken warnings that he didn’t want any drama from me. I know now this is his projection of himself on me. He “allowed” us to speak about our relationship, him asserting once again that things went wrong because I broke the rules of getting too involved and wanting too much from him. He of course reitterated that he never felt more than friendship for me….strange that never seemed the case during sex??? A lot of sex. Right. He even eventually loosened up and talked about his recent relationship with new girl that swept him off his feet which apparently blew up within weeks, suprise!! No suprise. I sat and listened to him and for the first time ever, I didn’t believe him…nothing he was saying. I knew it was either a lie or a projection or both. Don’t get me wrong, I was also completely, crazily attracted to him the entire time, like a magnet. If he had initiated sex I’m pretty sure I’d have gone along. Sad truth. And that’s where all my work lies with me. I want him still…at least my heart and body do. My head is screaming, get out, run!
So here I am feeling somewhat relieved that I got the opportunity to hear his version of our break up and yes even be in his presence again, but I am also feeling frightened of knowing he can pull me back in so easily. Of hearing him say he doesn’t want me while at the same time not letting me go. He even admitted he couldn’t let me go. So like you said Julie, in their eyes not good enough for top position but make a great back up supply and #2 girl. I don’t know what will happen now… I know I don’t want to live the life I had with him before…because I’ve learned so much I no longer feel calm or safe with him. I am becoming angry for once that he doesn’t value me. I still feel so much compassion too ( he has real health issues) and my heart is still convinced I love him and want him. Most of his words didnt stick to me the other night, but I wanted him to touch me and physically be with me again. I wanted him to “FEEL” something for me. He can’t. The next morning I heard from him and he was upset because he said he could tell I didn’t believe him about something…he could see I am changing toward him and maybe that will save me. For now I am trying to let go…just keep letting go. I want to be in different to him. I look forward to a day I don’t think about him anymore.
I saw this posted on another site, it said ” I learned today that every cell in our bodies completely desinegrates and is remade new every 7 years. How nice it is to think that one day I will have a body you will have never touched.” 💔
Healing heart.
I could have written almost every word of that. I’ve broken NC and I go between being very aware of the conniving manipulative monster that he is, questioning everything he says or does, knowing it is mostly lies to craving hearing his voice and being near him. Even when I know I’m his #2 – would never have been #1, his back up when he isn’t getting what he needs. It’s all about him. The thing is and I mean this, he’s no longer the strong loving man I was attracted to and I know this, when I see him, he looks pathetic, small like a liar.
I know we will get there. This site helps me to understand the games and cruelness. xxx
I swear I know exactly what u mean because the same happens to me when my sp calls me I would instantly cancel any plans I have and meet him even if he screwed me over before. It’s so odd that we all feel the same its like they all have this evil power over us that gets is attached to them no matter what they do. And I completely understand what you mean when you said you were analyzing in your head and knowing he’s a liar but still wanted to touch him. I regret it everytime I will see my sp even when I knew he was lying about having broken up with his current gf I would try so hard to not give in to any intimacy but I would fail everytime and hate myself afterwards. My sp also did like yours and called me after I saw him saying he feels I’ve changed toward him and don’t believe what he says. It bothers them so much to know that we know what they are up to and not give into their shit. They are all the same. Reading these posts just mak me realize how fake they are they all act exactly the same as if they are a robot programmed the same way, no distinct personalities. I wish us all the strength to walk away for good. I just told my sp I won’t be talking to him anymore because he is never there for me when I need him and I’m sick of it. He didn’t even respond and I’m happy he didn’t because wh n he does I get weak. I hope I have the strength to leave him for good this time. I really do. And for all of you too.
Much love
I seriously feel the same exact way and it’s hard to have someone tell you to stop talking to them. It’s literally a gut wrenching feeling them not being around; your head knows it’s wrong, but your heart has the faintest clue. It’s all a game they play though. Mine did the same with me, tells me about someone they like a day after they broke my heart. They had no emotion and when I would show emotion they would become defensive and only show rage.you think that this person is real but everything about them is a lie. I was a puppet, just like you and I still am kind of, but I’m fully aware now. They tell me that they never want to talk to me again pretty much everyday and then continue contacting me and giving false hope. It’s very scary that someone can have a hold on you like that…I feel stupid and ashamed for even playing said games. Every day is going to be a battle. No contact world for me for about 5 days and then they blew my phone up. They want to use you, emotionally and physically..i really hope you see that you aren’t alone and yes, one day they will be just a memory and a life lesson.
I just finished reading your post and tears are running down my face. I’m crying for you and me and all of the good people who have posted here. Onlly aother victim of an sp truly understands the agony of being taken in as we have been. In some strange way I have measure of compassion even for these perpetrators since it seems that of their actions…they can do no other than what they do. I feel exactly as you do, so satisfied with crumbs but the crumbs are what keep us connected to them. We all deserve better but until we really know that, we’ll get no better. It is for certain I do not know that. Best wishes to you, since you sound like you are getting so healthy. One day things will be better.
I agree. I’m sorry for all of us though, it sounds like you are getting healthy.
I wish I knew what to say without feeling ashamed….I have been staying in contact with my ex /SP. I have only seen him once and have thwarted other invitations but am talking to him regularly again. I hate that he makes me feel so excited and hopeful…I know it is all just his charm and keeping me close as he has no one else right now. He even openly talks about looking for his next relationship…as if we are some kind of buddies not ex-lovers. Its then I am reminded he is despicable, without a conscience and can not feel anything for anyone else….is all about him and his need to feel whole. I will be replaced again assuredly and with just as much crudeness as before. This is why I am ashamed to admit what I am doing. But I also know that if I sit in silence and deny my actions and keep it hidden I will continue on without the hope of ever healing and letting go. If I am to be free of him I have to get support for where I am now and where I need to go.
It does feel different this time. I am weary of him. I am constantly aware of what I am doing and what he is doing….its my stupid heart that cant seem to get it straight! DAMN. The fantasies are still there…the life and the love I want from him dies hard….and continues to take pieces of me with it. I am part of his collection…nothing more. Some days it seems hopeless that I will ever have a day that I wont desire him and feel the pain of being rejected by him.
HH
Don’t be so hard on yourself. If mine called today, and he is married, I would make some excuse to see him. That is today. In 6 months I hope I will be different and, I think you might be too.:)
I do want to believe that. This man has been dee in my heart for years…it almost feels as if he needs to be cut out.
My friends are furious with me and have even told they will have nothing more to do with it or me. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic so I keep to myself. Which I know keeps me hooked in this cycle. Thanks for being out there and willing to share and support!
HH
They are as a drug an we are addicted to them. Please stop contacting him It is the only answer.
Could you move far away? I know this is easier said than done but, a new place, new life? Maybe it would help. I’ve considered it but I am too obligated where I live now. It’s hard because you can remember times that were good but, in the end the bad always outweighs the good. If you’re getting therapy, stick with it. It will help. I am sorry you are feeling so bad.
As short and sweet as I can say it…if you want to move on and be happy, no contact is the answer. Six months after my socio discarded me, with no home or job and a teenage son to raise, I am happy, strong and dating a wonderful new man. The ex-SP was blocked from my and my son’s cell phones the day he delivered the last of my things back in August, and my friends respect my need to not hear anything about him. I promise…no contact works…do it right this minute and stick to it!!!!!!
I am so thankful for this site. I was married to a sociopath for four years, friends since we were 13 (I am now 34). I am at the stage of my life where I feel he will never go away, he will never let me be happy, and he will never let me have a successful, loving marriage with my new husband. My ex husband and I share two kids in common and he uses them as an excuse to talk to me still. This man has ruined my life financially, emotionally, and mentally. I’ve lost my home, a promising career (b/c he wanted revenge) and now I think he is moving onto my new marriage. I just want happiness, and I really don’t know what to do anymore. The local law enforcement “enforces” when they feel like it, and in the end I feel like I look like the nut job to everyone. Does anyone have any advice?
~There is so much more that he has put me and the children through, I just kept it short for now, our history together is from the age of 13 and I am now 34.
My heart goes out to you as your story is the same as mine except I darent meet a new guy yet as my ex will ruin it I too lost my job and my sanity due to my ex wanting to sabotage my life he still appears now and then to call me all the names under the sun, I got inconsistent support from the police so I got a civil non molestation order I dont have children so it was a little easier but try and contact the council in your area and ask if they have a domestic violence department please let me know how you get on and stay strong he WILL give up eventually xxx
I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. We have gone through many things, good times and bad. Most of the bad times revolved around substance abuse and addiction. She had serious issues with it in her own past(years before we were together), and in our past together, and now again in our present. Although NOT all the bad times, including infidelity and other problems, were during one of these periods of drug use.
It’s very long and involved, basically she got on Adderall a while after we got together in college. And she was very much over prescribed and kept getting her dosage upped along with adding stuff like kolodipin and anti-depressants. She would take way too many and run out then survive by getting them from others but still be super depressed and stuff. She was prescribed like 90mg a day and would take 2-3x that sometimes. This came to a fever pitch after she failed out of school and later basically got herself arrested because she called the cops for me not giving her pills.
She got clean and we moved on with our lives and things seemed better, not perfect but better, for a long time….
Flash forward to now, she was promoted at work and finally was able to start putting in 50/50 financially, before this she put in but basically just paid for groceries and fast food and stuff. My loans(and parents) supported us though college and my job(and parents) have for years since. Her pay still does not fully cover 1/2 of our expenses but close. This itself has been a source of contention between us because she still wants to have her own money that she can do whatever she wants with and I feel as if we have been in this for 7 years together and she should contribute everything she is able financially. Our budget includes entertainment and allowance for personal stuff but she still insists having her own money outside of the joint account. I still make more than her and still put in a little more for bills and I understand her point of view and wish she made more so she could cover half and still have money left but the fact is that probably will never happen now that she is disabled…
She was injured at work and is on workers comp and now on pain management and has been diagnosed with CRPS. And is again prescribed what is obviously too much and she kept getting her dosages upped and upped. Again she has not been able to manage the pills herself and was taking much more than prescribed(Opana, Percocet, Kolodipin, Muscle relaxer) and again I am in charge of her meds because she went off the deep end and was taking 9 – 15mg Opana per day instead of 3. For months she went though the same cycle as the Adderal. Taking too many for a week or two then running out and being depressed. Later I found out that when she ran out she was getting by on her Percocet and was begging more pain meds from my mom and paying them back putting her in an even worse cycle. And she was also stealing them from my mom when she unable to give my gf more bc mom was running low. I have since taken over her meds and she’s more or less been on track with them but I feel like we constantly go though this game where she wants extra or to take them early and if I say no we fight or she just sleeps until its time.
ANYWAY. The reason I’m describing all this is I feel like things could be back to livable if she were to get clean again. She is currently trying to get a spinal simulator from workers comp but even then gets upset if I bring up the idea of getting off the meds completely. I feel as if I want to be the rescuer but end up the persecutor because we fight every day about something to do with her meds and dependence.
After much reading online and this site in-particular, MANY of the things sound all too familiar. In-fact I even see myself in some of this, although I see her in MUCH more of it.
Although, somethings are throwing me off. For instance, she does not have a high sex drive, or any at all really. She uses it for power and control and even brings it up in fights, how “I only want her for sex”, and other crazy things. (On that note, now that she puts in a lot and we are dependent on her income, she also often says “I only want her for the money”). But it is more like some chore for her and I have never seen a huge sex drive out of her. Which she has always blamed on the fact that she was sexually abused by her adoptive father. Which honestly after reading some things on here, i fear may have always been a lie.
I guess the question is, am I kidding myself by thinking it’s the addiction or finding things that don’t match up with her being a sociopath when so much of it does? I haven’t even gone into all the things that do line up because it really is a ton of it….
Such as, lies and betrayal, victim playing(she is textbook), all sorts of deflection and twisting words and situations or misinterpreting to suit her, lack of empathy, guilt, boundary issues(working 80hrs+ trying to hold the store together, helping a friend pay rent with money we needed for bills and fabricating a huge web of lies trying to cover it up) she is always so committed to the lies too, will never admit it even with proof in her face, she seems to have no remorse, or shame. I’ve said so many times that she is never really sorry because she doesn’t actually learn anything from the mistakes.
But there are just some things that really stick out that seem to be hallmarks of the disorder that I don’t see such as the sex drive, charisma, and conscious manipulation(these are things i see in myself btw).
We are about to find a new house to rent in a new city and I just don’t know what to do. My instinct is to wait it out another year. By then the workers comp should be settled and she will probably have the simulator and be on less medication and things might go back to how they were. I’m constantly wanting back the person that I met and fell in love with, I’d even be happy with the person that moved to Colorado with me 2 years ago. Also I consider sticking it out at least that long now that she has significant income and is helping to pay off some of the debt I’ve(we) amassed over the years. And I am basically dependent on our combined income at this point. At the very least another year will help me figure out what to do with my life financially without her while paying the bills in the meantime.
Thanks for reading and any response. This was meant to be a 5 min post. Maybe next I’ll write out the whole story and publish it, lol.
Hi, just stumbled across this site and am ever so thankful as it explains so so so much for me. Can totally relate. Basically most of what people have described is my relationship with a sociopath. I am on here to try and get some support, as I have tried, time and time again to break free, but keep getting reeled back in again. I’ve tried no contact. There is a current domestic violence order (DVO) against him (placed by police), but this hasn’t stopped him, and unfortunately I have weakened and responded to his contact. Thought we could be friends, as then he would leave me alone, but that doesn’t work, as he’s supposedly changed, receiving counselling, and I’m the best thing to happen to him, and we should remember all the good times, blah blah blah. He’s not going to lie anymore and so on. That lasts about a day. Then the excuses as to why he lied, and its my fault that he lied. Anyway, looking for support, to stay strong and stay away from him and implement ‘no contact’ forever. I want to get off this merry-go-round so badly. Even had hypnosis – but this failed. I have 1900km away from him to a larger city, as previous town was too small (and DVO of staying 50m away from my house was totally ignored). Luckily he is it not financial enough to move at the moment, and I haven’t revealed my new mobile number, or new address to him. But he says he is saving to move to the same city as me – arggghh. I’ve told him repeatedly that he is the reason I moved – to get away from him, but he doesn’t listen. We are soul mates and are meant to be together – arghhh. Unfortunately I do have feelings for him, so I keep going back, but only to be rudely re-introduced to his lies, manipulation and crap – yet again. Can someone please wake me up? I have a PhD and am an intelligent woman, but feel so stupid that I can’t break free. Any ideas/tips on sticking to no contact, especially with Valentines Day coming up and him promising to treat me to the best weekend away, and spoil me etc if I return to our home town. So far it’s been nearly 24 hours since I re-blocked him – so no messages. Need to stay strong. Wish me luck.
24 hours is awesome well done!! Keep going. I promise that it does get better.
Thanks positivagirl. Its now nearly 48 hours. Hoping I can do it this time – long term.
Hi Purdy – I wish you luck with your struggle with this man – luck and courage and love for yourself, which is something that gets eroded in such a destructive relationship. He will be a pathological liar if he’s a true sociopath, he probably believes his own lies, and justifies them because they get him what he wants. A sociopath will try to convince you of the depth and strength of his love – but it’s rubbish, he only loves you for what you give to him. Always ask yourself -” what is he gaining from this?” I guarantee it will be something, money, attention, a roof over his head, praise or the glory of having a loving partner on his arm. IT VALIDATES HIS EXISTENCE. It’s always all about him.
It’s not easy trying to cut yourself off, you just have to surround yourself with people who treat you decently, not shower you with empty words. Try to forget the words, try to concentrate on his actions. Put yourself in his place – would you do those things to someone you truly loved? And if it was the other way round, would he stand by you, would he pursue you eternally if you had treated him cruelly?
I’m going to try to paste an email on this site from my dead sociopath lover. He managed to keep reeling me in for 28 years. Only now, when I read his emails from the time when he was desperate to make his life with me (he had nothing, no money, no job, no contact with his son, no assets nothing.) only now do I see what he was doing. At the time I believed it all. Please do not believe your man’s lies, remember what he has done to you. Keep strong! We are thinking of you. Lana x
Yes he is either a pathological or compulsive liar. He never stops lying to everyone. He did manage to reduce the number of lies and sought treatment for his lying, but it never lasts. His latest lie was that he did a sociopath test with his psych and scored 81% (narcissistic sociopath) – and was now working with his psych on it and that his psych could cure him. Then I tested him and he got angry and said he hadn’t done the test, but just said that to me as that’s what I wanted to hear. So that was the final straw – 2 days ago. So I’m still not sure if he did the test, or whether he is seeing a psych (as I’ve been asking for evidence of him attending sessions). He also has a long plea sentence hearing coming up 1st March (for breaches of current domestic violence order – DVO the police took against him) so he is currently in rehab and getting a psych report done – to avoid jail time I am tipping, rather than get better. If he is even seeing a psych, I am sure she only hears half the truth, and he manipulates and lies to her to achieve his own needs. I can see so clearly through his lies, but still get reeled in by his gaslighting and love bombs, and how he’s going to get better blah blah blah. I understand the no contact in theory, but am struggling, as I have moved to a new city, new office, and don’t have friends and social circle yet, and am lonely. I do get on the phone to friends, but I am used to his texts, messages 24/7. Anyway, I’ll get there and appreciate your comments and this site and reading everything – to keep myself busy.
Hi Purdy, once again it is amazing how similar our experiences are. I feel for you trying to stay away with no contact, it’s hard because loneliness is at the heart of it, and a need to be loved. It will take a little time to build a new life with new friends, but you will do it and discover better friendships as a result of your knowledge. We all want that special connection with someone who can walk through life with us and share good times and bad, but a sociopath is not that person, no matter how much they may try to convince everyone!
Your man is probably doing exactly what he told you – telling you what you want to hear. That is their power, they know what you want to hear. They feed on your hopes and dreams. I found an email from mine saying that he wanted to be like a vampire and feed from me – that’s exactly what he did, but not in the Romantic way I interpreted!
I trained as a counsellor because I could see that counselling had no effect on my SP – he just charmed the counsellor and got a kick out of pulling the wool over her eyes. He claimed that she blamed his family, his past and me for his problems, nothing was ever his fault. What sort of rehab is your man in? Mine was an alcoholic, went into rehab more than once, it never worked. I’m sorry to sound cynical, but an SP will spend their entire life and all their energy convincing everyone that they’re wonderful and don’t have a problem, unfortunately, they are often charming and plausible, that’s how they succeed. Because they have no conscience, they never feel bad about what they’ve done.
I hope that you manage to break away, but I fully understand the need that you feel. I write a blog sexwineandlies.com because I still have feelings for my dead SP and I don’t understand how this is possible. I think the blog shows how our minds can be manipulated even though we are rational, intelligent beings. Best of Luck, Purdy, don’t be hard on yourself, just concentrate on the little things that make you happy. Lana x
Sorry to hear your story–especially that he’s moving to your city. NC is very difficult, but possible. I nearly died (VERY depressed), but made it out by getting really pissed–a last straw and going NC with no discussion (pointless). I totally understand the painful draw. You could make day-long plans on Sunday with single friends. That’s what I’m doing. 7 months NC and I’m dreading V-day too. One Valentine in 5 years… Hang in there. The start is the worst. One day is one day, a step ahead. Good luck. If I can do it, being a total emotional wreck for years who could barely get out of bed, couldn’t work, or relax, you can do it.
Hi Making it Out. Thanks for your comments and support. Unfortunately I am flying back to my home town (13-19 Feb) and staying with friends, but all my friends are partnered and assume will be doing their own special Valentines Day things. He hasn’t moved yet, he still has a court hearing 1st mar (hoping he gets jail time – but laws are so weak in Aust), and he has no job, and in rehab (to look good for court) atm so I have some space and time as he is not financial to move either. Although he has cousins or something in the city – that he muted he could move in with, but not sure how long they will put up with him for. Another problem is his parents support him financially, for example are paying his rent for him while he is in rehab, so he has a place to go to when he gets out. Anyway, hoping I’ll fly in this weekend and avoid him at all costs. He does know I arrive Sat afternoon, and previously he has turned up at airport knowing which flight I was on. Just got to stay strong this time.
@Purdy,
No contact is the only answer. And that means no contact at all. You have to search for family and good friends. Every time you have the temptation to answer his calls or his message resist the urge. Delete the message immediately. Call another person. Respond the message and send it to you instead of him. It’s not easy, but I assure you it will come better with time. I have an on and off relationship with mine and after a lot of years of this loop, at last I can say I’m free. You will be there. Give it time and no contact. Don’t give up.
I’m hoping this email will show how a true sociopath operates:
How I wish we were alone, at this very minute, I would gently massage your temples with essential oils,[ peppermint and lavender work wonders for headaches.] I am sure you know that.Then, hold you in my arms until you drifted away into a painless and peaceful
sleep, and and keep holding you until you awoke, rested, refreshed and demanding coffee!
Oh dear, how I love you my dear Lana,
I am empty, lost and wandering, selfishly and anxiously awaiting our time.
J&J send their love and continue to ask when they will see you again, I said “probably
not until after Christmas, but it would not surprise me if she walked through the door in the next few minutes ”
Murphy and his man came into Saddlers this evening and came to see us right away,
I did stroke him for you.[ the dog, not the man! ]
I love you so much Lana
Try Deep Purple “Soldier of Fortune” u tube,
Beautiful ballad, always reminded me of us,
I love you, without end, Guy. Xxxxxxxxxxxx
Please note – he knows how much I love animals, so talks about a dog. Says how he wants to care for me (rubbish) and finally uses a song reference – this is something he did all the time, sociopaths cannot express their own feelings (they don’t have any) so they pick them from somewhere else. All the same, if you’re emotionally vulnerable this email would be very compelling, don’t you agree? Lana x
Yes lanalana5 agree that is a compelling email. I’ve had so many similar emails, texts, and links to songs and videos.
No contact is the answer…I don’t have to delete messages, because I blocked him from my cell phone and my son’s. Do it…it makes the healing begin that much sooner!!!