Thanks Nomoreinsanity. I understand no contact is the way to go, and have changed my mobile number twice now, as well as my daughters (after he posed as a policeman and rang my daughter and got my new number off her). So atm he doesn’t know my new mobile, my new work landline number or my new address. He has is very persistent, stalker-like, and often my crazy mind sees this as – “gee he really must love me, if he goes to these lengths”. I have blocked him on Facebook, Kik, MyFitnessPal, Google+, however he continually create new profiles (aliases). Also at my weak times I miss his messages, so I am actively looking in my email inbox, or checking Facebook messages to see if he’s sent me a new message (as another alias). But I’m simply addicted, lonely and get reeled in. It’s a fine balance as people say get off Facebook, or deactivate. But how much of my life do I have to surrender. I enjoy Facebook and its a way for me to keep in touch with my friends (back home) now that I have moved to the city and am alone.
Hi lana, he’s in rehab for alcohol, but funnily enough I don’t believe he is a true alcoholic. He’s playing the victim again, or in there to look good for upcoming court appearance as he voluntarily admitted himself. He’s been in rehab before, knows the entire system inside out, Valium to detox etc. He’a tried to convince me that alcoholism is his problem. But he has shown his sociopath side sober, even now in rehab, where they are tested each day. I once went to an AA meeting with him and he stood up and told his convincing story, and accepted he was an alcoholic blah blah blah. I was so proud that day, but that was the only meeting he went to & it was all lies. I think he uses alcohol to self medicate and yea when I left him he did hit the bottle every day which only fuelled his sociopath behaviour, agreession and manipulation more. His parents think rehab is the answer also. But he has been there before – ordered by court though. At the moment he’s unable to contact me as they are only allowed their phones a few hours a day and he doesn’t have my new number and I’ve blocked him on Facebook messenger. Although it still doesn’t stop me wanting to call him, hear his voice, make contact. Arggh. I think about him every morning when I wake and when I go to bed. But day 2 and staying strong thanks to the support here and keeping myself busy. Thanks again xxx
Is there ever any legal recourse….Since this is emotional crime (stealing hearts, trust, and money), what can be done when you the target is agonizing on the new truth and want to first understand with the SP, get angry by reaching out via email, phone, etc, and then become what the SP calls a threat or harasser? What if any is a legal recourse.. The crime started with the SP and now the SP is stating you are harassing?
Yes often brian but try proving it! They are pathological liars, and love to frame you! 😦
Hello, it has just recently came to my attention that I may have been dating a sociopath. It’s been very hard for me to come to terms with this, and I’m not sure if that’s what it really is, or just an assumption I’m having.
I’m a female who is bisexual. I started dating this girl about 2 years ago, who claimed to be completely homosexual and was very admimate about this. When we started dating she seemed to be almost obsessive about me, like I was her property. I wasn’t allowed hanging out with my bestfriends or even family because that took away from her attention. At first, this scared me..but then in a sense I thought it was kind of cute that she wanted my undying attention.
She always wanted to know everything about me..yet when I asked her about her life she became distant and gave short responses. She literally started to obsess about everything I would do and kind of copy me in a sense. Throughout the relationship she was very sweet..she would do pretty typical things, like buy me flowers for no reason, make me heart shaped pancakes, take me on dates, write cute notes..she never seemed to lose interest in me like that even at the end of our relationship.
Then, what I thought was to be unthinkable, happened. She managed to get a job where I worked and met a guy there..one day out of the clear blue she said she was leaving me for him. At the time I had really no where to live but with her( my family kind of disowned me because she was ignorant to me.) she then became a totally different person. She was just overprotective and pushy before, but now she completely lacked empathy. I had done nothing wrong for her to want to leave me for this guy, so yes, I was distraught. I mean literally the day after we broke up she texted me saying she gave this guy oral and loved it, knowing I was heartbroken. She continued to contact me.every.single.day. And when I didn’t get ahold of her she would freak.
After being broke up for several months, she still remained to contact me everyday..telling me to “wait” for her. She would fill my head with all of this bull about still being in love with me and to not talk to anyone else. She said if I talked to anyone else besides her, she would quit talking to me, because I was “hers.”
That guy ended up using her for sex and was abusive towards her. So of course she called me up trying to reconcile with me. She said she was “sorry for what she did” which is very rare for her because she doesn’t apologize. She bought me flowers and started taking me out on dates again. We even got intimate once again. Then just like that, she met someone else again..so the very next day after we slept together, she had another person. It was like Jekyll and Hyde…she became very rude to me again, yet would still contact me every day. It was almost like she knew to keep that old nice persona around to lure me in so I could be tortured by her cruel hearted one.
Months went by and still, she would invite me over to sleep with me and tell me that it meant something. It didn’t. After I would leave, the mean persona would come out and she would act as if I were crazy for ever believing her. She has blocked my phone number, which I found to be okay for me, but then contact me off of someone else’s phone. If I don’t reply to her, she gets mad.. So I said okay, we will be friends.But if I tell her about anything going on in my love life I’m trying to start again..she gets pissed and says she’s going to file a restraining order on me or go and beat up that other person..because I am “hers.”
I’m very confused and I really could use some advice. She says she doesn’t want me but then makes up these lies so I’ll stay around her. I don’t know what is mentally wrong with her. She wants to have control over me..which in a way she still does because she knows she could do anything to me and I’d still love her. Please respond..I’m at wits end on what I should do her 😞
I’m no expert, but I’ve experienced loving an SP and know how that back and forth is crazy making. I would bet you’re a bit addicted to the feeling you get when she’s in her nice phase. You are so past that already though–I can tell by what you write. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but going no contact is really the only thing that will give you relief. Maybe not right away, but in the future. Otherwise the pain will continue, continue and, worst of all, get worse. You do not “owe” this person anything. I feel for you and am wishing you the best.
And it has been pretty much driving me crazy. It was making me very depressed, almost to the point where I had suicidal thoughts. I just couldn’t believe someone who I thought was my soulmate would do this to me. I didn’t really see the signs while we were together -not ever really smiling, not crying to things that most people would cry to, complete lack of respect for her family) all of these things were shielded by her telling/doing nice things for me.
My friends and family are very concerned that she might hurt me emotionally and physically. One night she wrestled me down to see if I was talking to someone new on my phone. I had bruises all over and I broke my toe, she told people that I was the one who hurt her (LIE) she didn’t even have a mark on her, I didn’t even touch her.
She messaged me today and was very ignorant..I told her that she needed to go to counseling because of her anger and lack of empathy for anyone. I told her she seemed to be a sociopath..she then said that she had already been to counseling multiple times since she was younger and it didn’t help. She never argued the fact that she was probably a sociopath..and to be honest, that was odd because she loves to argue. I think she knows..I know kind of feel bad for despising her so much because something is seriously mentally wrong with her. I can’t believe she would never tell me about any of this..well unless that’s a lie too.
I really have been trying not to talk to her, when she texts I send her short replies..I can sense she’s trying to dig and remain to have control over me.In a sense I did become addicted to the sweet side of her..but I’m realizing that it was all a facade now. It was all fake. I’m just pretty hurt that I let myself believe it all and I don’t want it to be fake. It seemed so real..she said it wasn’t my fault that she’s always ignorant to me. She never explains anything and told me to ” stop trying to figure It all out.” Thank you for your words. I’m glad there are other people out there to reassure that I’m not alone.
Hi I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s gut wrenching when the person you loved and thought was the real one turns out to be a liar.
I’m 5 mths out and just lately plagued by ‘how could he go from 100 to 0 in a day???? ‘
I also want yo stay friends (4.5 years of seeing him daily is hard to break). But I also know that ‘frienfship ‘ with him means looking him in the face as he pours out lie after lie. And knowing that while he said goodmorning and goodnight every day (and 20 texts) in between… He was also on dating sites chasing others!!!
So why do I still want this????
I agree. Loving the person and being addicted to the initial (nice phase) highs is very hard!!! And completely intertwines.
You are with friends now xxx
Yes!!
Well this sounds somewhat like my story so I think you are correct in assuming so.
@ Lisa strausser
Yes I think I assumed right as well. She had always gave me bits and pieces of her past, but it all never seemed to add up. She told me that when she was younger they had put her in special education for no particular reason..she said she had no idea why,which I found to be odd.She’s not a slow girl by any means, just when it comes to her emotions..she has none. She never told me she had been to counseling for anything and now that I told her that she was a sociopath all of this hidden shit has been coming up. She still has not denied being one, like I said is odd because she’s an argumentative person. All she knows is rage,anger and lust
Her family would call her the drill sergeant and I never knew why till I got that the person she was to me was completely fake. I’m sorry you have had the same problems as me, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. I feel terrible that I ever let myself fall into such things..but as a victim you rarely ever know what’s going on, we actually have feelings and concern about others. This experience has certainly made me not want to trust many people.
I have just separated from a sociopath who I lived with for 5 years. The emotions are unbearable and being made even worse by the fact that he keeps contacting my family (who I am currently living with) both directly, and indirectly through his own family members. I keep blocking numbers but he just rings from a new number or tries to make contact via a different medium. He has even tried to turn my own sister against me. My family are being very supportive but do not fully Understand what I am going through. How do I get totally rid of this monster from my life? Unfortunately, we’re married… 😞
@pookie
I know it’s difficult, I wasn’t married to mine, but it can catch the concept of how you are feeling. I’m trying to slowly deplete them from my life. It seems that if you are abrupt with them, they feel less sense of security that whatever they are using you for is going to suddenly disappear. I don’t talk to them over the phone, If I do, I’ll be pulled in again. Try suttle yet discrete text message and or email..very short and to the point. Mine feeds off of my emotions and loves to stir havoc. Now that I’ve been sending short texts they have been slowly dying off because I have no emotions to feed them.hopefully they will eventually just go away. I wish I knew a counselor to go to as well, I hope you find one to help you. I’m glad you’ve decided to let go, it’s very difficult..believe me, I know.
I have just separated from my husband of three years; we lived together for 5 years. I have just discovered he is a sociopath…I feel so stupid – I’m a Psychologist! I wondered if anyone had any advice on how I should go about the divorce? And does anyone know how I can find a counsellor/therapist with experience in this area (i.e. a counsellor who understands the emotional issues involved when finding out that one’s partner/spouse is a sociopath)?
@Pookie – please don’t feel stupid – you’re not! The whole point of these SP’s is that they are incredibly plausible and manipulative. I became more aware of the behaviour of mine when I studied counselling and psychology, until then I had believed so much for more than twenty years. I, too, would love to see a counsellor who was aware of the special unhappiness caused by being absorbed by a sociopath. I am sometimes afraid of becoming obsessed by the effect that mine had on my life, even though he’s now dead. I cannot understand why he swept me up in the way that he did, and why I believed him for so long.
So @Blackdahlia I fully understand your dilemma and how you fluctuate between emotions. It’s so hard to move on, because your self confidence has been totally undermined. It’s hard to trust your own instincts any more, hard to trust anyone.
No contact is the best way, though incredibly tough, because a SP will use any opening to control and win you over even for a short time. Think of yourself as prey – they swoop down on you in order to feed on you. They feed on your insecurities. They appear to give you what you need and desire. But they don’t do that – they only talk about it. If a sociopath swears undying love for you, it may feel true, because in a way it is – THEY LOVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM.
Pathological lying is very hard for any normal person to comprehend, lack of true feeling and emotion is also hard to comprehend. A sociopath is like a robot, programmed to survive, using their prey to do just that. Mine wrote to me that he wished he was a vampire and could feed from me – that’s exactly what he did! I think he must have got a thrill from telling me what he was doing whilst I was carried away by the romance of his sentiments.
Good Luck with your struggles, please take strength from our shared experiences. You are strong and lovely, that is why you were prey. Lana x
@lanalana5
It will be very very hard. I’m seriously so glad I found this website, by reading some of these posts I feel like people finally understand what I’m going through. It makes me not talking to her barable.None of my friends and family understand it.. And what’s messed up is she’s telling people that I’m the screwed up one that won’t leave her alone..
if I don’t contact her she freaks the f*ck out and blows my phone and Social media up. She has seriously taken my mind and heart through a complete whirlwind.
My mother had told me to leave her since I started dating her. The thing she preyed on was my money and inference. I’m 25 and had a very good job and my own place, she lived at her parents. When we started dating she would not leave and just ended up slowly bringing her shit over over time. She gave me 60 dollars in the entire year or so she lived with me.Once she made me quit my job after working at the same place with me (because I got her a job) she wanted nothing to do with me.she found someone we worked with. I didn’t have that great job anymore for her to leech off of.
Thank you for your words..I’d like to think I’m a pretty decent person and I care a lot about people. I’ve just never been treated this way and am very confused still.
@Blackdaliah.
Mine had been financially exploiting me and my family for years but he did it so subtly… It was only when I started being assertive with him towards the end (in terms of trying to get him to pay his way) that his true – Ie sociopathic – personality came through. And then, when I left him, he started telling people that I was mentally ill. He has tried to turn my own family against me but thankfully they do now understand (I think) that he is a sociopath. I feel violated too but it’s important to remember that we have been chosen by these parasites BECAUSE we are decent, honest, kind people. I cannot trust anyone anymore but perhaps that’s a good thing. If you seek counselling, try to find a counsellor who understands / ideally has had experience of being victimised by a sociopath otherwise you could end up feeling worse .
Absolutely I am hesitant on my own judgement even. Struggled with how could I not see this for 9 years.Mine had no friends or family which were huge red flags that I did not realize to now.She made my friends and family hers and in the end tried to take all of them and turn them on me.i truly thought I was losing my mind thru this and I was the stable confident strong willed woman when we met, she surely sucked the life out of me.
I felt very stupid after I the realisation of ex hit home – how could I, a sensible women with a great career and my own home be taken it like this?! It’s taken me a while to realise that it’s because I am a normal person who takes people at face value, that’s what humans do. My ex and indeed all sociopaths remind me of the TV series V, sociopaths look human but underneath they are aliens. Soulless husks. This sounds harsh but it’s true. Never ever think you can reason with a SP or be friends in the future. They hate us, we exposed them and didn’t carry on with their game. They were never in love with us but not because we had a fault just because they are incapable. My ex told me his mother died and described the funeral is such detail accompanied by hysterical sobbing that nobody would have thought he was lying. He was his mother is alive and well. If somebody can make up shit like that what chance did we ever have of a normal relationship? I’m still not 100% I’m still suffering from severe anxiety and if I’m spoken to abruptly by a man I start freaking out. One thing I do know is that the No Contact works. I feel stronger not listening to his bs or reading his bike text messages. These people are amazing actors and manipulators. My ex almost convinced the police that I was the one who wanted him back! They only began to believe me when he stood outside my front door and began screaming that I was a whore and going to get what was coming to me: a neighbour came out and reported it to the police. Record all incidents, get a harrassmeny order, etc but most importantly NEVER RESPOND to the SP.
@ sooverhim, my sociopath has told me tales of his dad with prostate cancer, 2 strokes, 2 blood clots, emergency surgeries etc. all within a 8 month period. He told me that he was taking care of his dad financially and needed my help. I was giving him money and not spending much time with him due to him frequently visiting his dad. In January I discovered that his dad has been dead since 2008!!! Psycho!!!!
Yes I had to block all email and text and social media. Then I had to block work phone numbers. Then blocked numbers were showing up on my phone, I would not answer them .Within less than 30 days she married new victim and moved her in down the street. , so they are neighbors now so to speak. Unbelievable journey I am at 60 days NC and counting. God bless my broken road!
I watched a video from the archive list above about research on the type of woman (it’s mainly women) who are targeted by SPs. Without of course realising that they are SPs. It was amazing, they are intelligent women with four main characteristics.
1. A high degree of empathy.
2. A trusting personality.
3. Very emotional.
4. Inclined to be very loyal, even after they’ve been treated badly.
I think these characteristics appear amongst us all here. We struggle to understand how someone we thought we loved and trusted could turn out to be so false and so destructive.
Positivagirl has made a fantastic website here, I have found it so helpful, and continue to be enlightened by the information in the archives. Also, hearing everyone else’s stories, although heart rending, helps to make me feel stronger because I know I’m not alone. If it wasn’t for this I might have believed that my psychology was wrong, and that I was blinded by vanity or a desperate need to be loved, blinded in a way that was unnatural, now I know that it’s not me.
@Blackdahlia, you may struggle to comprehend how this girl could treat you this way, that’s because you are emotionally intelligent, but these people have no emotion so they can do ANYTHING and walk away. If you didn’t feel, you would be a robot like them. Our sensitivity is our strength.
Gosh that is all so true. I weakened again today (can’t get 30 days nc!!) I am the one who texts him…. And he ignores me. I want to write and say why.. You said we could stay friends, you said I did nothing wrong. So why the silent treatment???
But thus man lied about his name!! For 5 yrs! he doesn’t even know why he’s giving me the silent treatment – It’s because I was no longer his source of trust and fantasy… I found out his lies. If I call him out on the silent treatment- sure he may feel bad and appear friendly. But then he’d resent me..even further. And need to reclaim control by ignoring me again.
So I’ll brush myself off and start nc again. I want to get to a month. Hopefully I’ll feel better and can really accept that he’s unbalanced and a true sp. I meant nothing to him other than a blank canvas for his latest storyboard. Once it was painted over…. He simply needed a new canvas.
He ignores you because he can. Also, he might use this for triangulation purposes to tell other people (his new source) how you are obsessed with him, and cant leave him alone – look she contacted me again and I haven’t contaccted him. Write the email BUT DO NOT SEND just for today. You have done 30 days you can continue and do 60…. 90 …. and on. but just take it one day at a time,
@Joelene, “Ignoring” you is further proof that this person is a sociopath. They don’t care if you’re hurting or missing them. They take pleasure in your weakness and the control they still have over you every time you break down and call or text. They use these opportunities to make you look like a crazy stalker who can’t let them go and tell people “if I’m such a bad person, why does she keep texting me?” It feeds their ego. They will never become the loyal caring person you thought they were once before. Consider yourself lucky that he’s not obsessing over you and trying to destroy your life, like so many others. You are lucky he’s moved on. Don’t keep giving your power away. You need it to heal and get your life back together.
Funny how talking about all this and expressing on yesterday’s post NC and blocking everything from our side. I received a email today from my ex I will not open it but can read the first line. It says” I ve been trying to call you not because I want anything from”.So the blocked calls I was getting were from her by admission .Sometimes it’s just as hard whether we do this or them.Trying to be positive and move forward.
Ugh…. and you just know that first line NOT BECAUSE I WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU…. is a total lie. I bet you were tempted to read the rest….. but you know it would say the same old same old…. that they always say. How are you? Are you ok? Just to let you know am always there if you need me? I am not some monster that you think I am.. I do care about you and want you to be happy…… I always struggled with no contact – big time. It always hurt me, and set me back – big time!!
YES! Mine is emailing me every day and he always starts along those lines “Hope you’re okay..” I have not responded to a single phone call, text or email from him since we separated. But I do open his emails because every single one further validates my suspicion that he is a sociopath (as opposed to a non-dysfunctional abuser who has the potential to change) and this in turn reassures me that I have done absolutely the right thing by leaving him. I can tell, by reading between the lines of his emails, that he is starting to realise that he is losing his control over me. NO CONTACT is definitely the way to go – I am the one in control now!
Yes you are the one in control
Omg everyday I would be besides myself. I will not reply either or answer any blocked calls which my ex admits to being the one doing it.wonder how long till it goes away they tire out or maybe become the focus of the new victim .
@positivagirl : Thank you 😊 This site has been a godsend…
@Lisa. Hoping he finds a new wealthy woman SOON! Yes, your ex will become tired if you stick to NC. My SP husband phoned my family tonight saying he was concerned about me.. He’s heard I’m under the Doctor. But this has made my day: my sister saw right through his mask in that message! She knows/can tell he doesn’t give a s#!t about me. This is a massive result😀
Sociopaths need to be hit HARD! They do not understand the concept of respect. I sent a professional email to him today saying that if he or his family tried to contact me or my family again, this matter would be passed on to my Solicitor. He replied ‘OK’ (Lol). Shame I have lost a great friend in my sis-in-law, but you have to do whatever it takes to look after yourself and move on!
My question is how do I try and move on with my life, not be so effected by him and what he says/does when we have children together??? I left him 8 months ago. When I think about it, it depresses me to my core that he will be in my life, to some capacity, for the rest of my life.
How do I move on with my life when the SP is still a part of it??? I don’t know what to do anymore and feel hopeless about the situation…
You can only treat him as a business transaction and continue with closing down your emotions. Make any contact only about the children and nothing else. It isn’t forever they will grow up and see for themselves one day.
I just got out of 10 month relationship with a sociopath. Initially he was charming, sweet, attentive, affectionate and funny. He’s physically attractive and seemed really confident which was very sexy to me. Although we had known each other casually from work things went quickly when we decided to start a romantic relationship. This man swept me off my feet in no time and I was in love within a month!! He consumed my every thought… Because as per their M/O he changed quickly and started to retreat right after our first sexual encounter. I was pissed and cussed him out and called him out on his behavior. He broke up with me and I was crushed!! I didn’t know it then but I was already hooked/ addicted. He came back to me after about 2 weeks, I was elated!! Unbeknownst to me he had decided that he wasn’t going to spend time with me other than sleepovers ( sex) at his place and lunch dates at work. He gave me excuse after excuse why we couldn’t do things together after work and on weekends like normal couples; he had his son, a terminally ill dad that he looked after and supported, a 2nd part time job, family obligations, etc. This went on for 9 months. I loved him and believed him so I took the time that he gave me. I know now that it was about having control and that he was seeing other women. I was lonely and missing him every weekend although he kept in contact by phone. I lived for those texts and was happy when I got them. I would eventually get frustrated of the no quality time spent with him and complain and or attempt to break it off with him. He would talk me out of it will promises that things would get better soon and we would be able to spend time together. Other than one dinner and one movie ( separate days) it never changed. I would go over to his place 1-2 nights a week, have sex and spend the night. I was happy when I was with him but I was miserable with not spending quality time together. I eventually began to realize that he was lying to me and didn’t want to be with me. He continued to lie about just not being able to. I felt so low because I desperately loved this man but I knew I was being mistreated. I eventually sought answers and discovered that I had been lied to throughout the whole relationship… About almost everything. I found out about other women ( that he was spending time with and having sex with) there was a wife ( I was told they were divorcing ) she informed me that no papers were ever filed and that they were trying to work things out. She was working out of the country on a 2 year contract. She told me that he had cheated as soon as she went to Dubai. I’ve uncovered lots of lies and deceit from him. I was so devastated that I wanted to die!!! This man told me that he cared a lot about me almost daily!! In reality he didn’t care about me at all. I was there to be used… First for sex, then later for money. He told me that he took care of his dad who had terminal cancer and would ask me for money to help him. I’ve recently found out that his dad has been dead for 8 years!!! I did force him to pay me back every dollar and then some!!! I blackmailed him into paying me almost twice what he owed me ( I’m not your average victim) because sex is amazing with him we’ve hooked up 3 times since we officially broke up in October. The last time was January 27th. Ive since realize that this isn’t good for me because although it’s just sex with him, I find myself wanting him back in my life. As with all sociopaths it was a hurtful and traumatic ending with no answers or closure. I recently realized that I was with a sociopath and it all started to make sense. I’m reading as much as I can to gain knowledge of what happened to me and why. It’s been a huge help. I’m considering counseling. I’m confident that I’ll come out of this wiser and stronger. I don’t hate Kullen, I actually feel sorry for him to have to live that life and I’m praying for him to seek help.
So yesterday I reached a new low. I was at a conference on Tue and the sociopath was there (we work in the same industry). To cut a long story short, I got drunk and told ex-colleagues he lied about his baby being premature. Someone said to him and yesterday morning I received text after text from SP furious. The thing is what I did has made me so ashamed. Stooping to that level.
Something changed in me yesterday, I realised I was still living in the past. Clinging on to the fake reality that was my life with SP. I realised I was reliving the hurt everyday, and each time it hurt more. So I apologised to him, because I was sorry for what I did, and I told him he will not see or hear from me again.
I now need to work on loving myself, all I’ve done the last wow almost 2 years, is focus on my flaws, asking over and over why I wasn’t good enough, and what did I do to deserve the SP to treat me in such a cruel way? I realise I did nothing, I was vulnerable and he sensed that and took advantage.
I’ve made so many mistakes in the last while, but it’s time to let these go and love me again.
I have 3 childrens with mine. All the communication have to be strictly business like. When they see they cant get anything more from you they will disseaper. Mine dissappeared for a long time. After his last attempt to get to me our girl asked me to never again bring him to our home.She says “I don’t need a father I need a house with peace and a happy mother” She is 15 now and she said it to him clearly “I don’t want you on the life of my mom never again. I will be the one to call the police if you are around her” She is a strong girl, and she is clear who is her dad.
I’d like to tell my SP experience and would like some feedback. My story is just a little different from most that I’ve heard here. SP and I met at work in June 2014. He had been there for 8 years, I was new to the agency. He had a good career positional a government agency that required a top secret clearance. I came in to get my pre-employment processing, SP was not the one who processed me but he was in the office. Unbeknown to me SP was getting married in 3 days. I remember briefly speaking with him, he was joking. I noticed that he was kind of attractive but he was short ( I didn’t date short men) but nothing memorable. I started the job 2 weeks later. SP and I only knew each other casually; just hi and bye. I had heard that he got married but his wife took a 2 years contract position in Dubai ( he went over for 3 weeks to get her settled). They are young so I thought it odd that a young newly married couple would be ok being separated that long. About 8 months later SP subtly made his move on me. I had been home for a week sick with the flu… When I returned SP saw me and asked how I was, said he had missed me and hugged me. I thought it was sweet. I still had no interest in him. After that every time he was see me he would hug me. This wasn’t every day ( we worked on different floors). One day he hugged me long and tight and I looked at him differently. I noticed how cute he was ( I had already noticed the charming and witty personality). That day we emailed back and forth then exchanged phone #s. I forgot to put his on my phone but he texted me that night. It was innocent texting, but I was excited about him. The next morning before I got to work he text me. We text all that day, he came to my office several times. I could tell that he liked me. He told me that he was separated and filing for divorce the next week. I believed him. That weekend we text/spoke almost constantly. He complimented me on how beautiful I am, how he liked me from the minute he saw me, how he was thinking about me constantly and couldn’t wait to see me Monday. We couldn’t get together because he had his son. He claimed he asked his mother to babysit so that he could see me but she didn’t. The attraction was so strong between us that we both literally couldn’t get anything done at work. We mutually decided to get together that Tuesday. We had sex 3 times that night. I was a little disappointed because SP seemed nervous and reserved. He told me prior that he was nervous. I knew at this point that I really like him and we could work on the sexual aspect of the relationship. He seemed to change that night!! He was withdrawn and quiet. I chalked up to maybe feeling a little embarrassed because he thought that he didn’t satisfy me. The next day at work I didn’t get the usual sweet and attentive texts. He apologized and said he was busy but he came to my office to hug me. We had a daily ritual where he would come and hug me each morning. I looked forward to his hugs. He had changed, my texts were being replied for longer periods of time and he wasn’t initiating any. I was hurt and upset. 3 days after the initial sexual encounter I texted him and he didn’t reply… I sent a scathing text to him. He replied about 10 hours later. He reply was that he was hurt, he’d never been talk to in that manner, he was with his son playing and just spending time with him. Bs!! He broke it off with me, but said we could still be friendly at work and he would still give me hugs. I was crushed!!! I was already hooked!! I apologized profusely but he wasn’t changing his mind. The interesting thing is that we never stopped the communication… We still texted daily. After 2 weeks one day he said that he would give me a 2nd chance. I was elated. Within a week I was at his place and we had sex and spent the night together. It was amazing!! We saw each other at work, had lunch together and I came over and spent nights with him. He was telling me of all these reasons that we couldn’t be together on the weekends; he had his son, taking care of a terminally ill dad, working a pt job and other reasons. At first I didn’t mind, but as weeks turned into months I got frustrated and it became the source of arguments and break ups. Eventually I got a night out at a movie ( I was helping him financially by then) and a dinner or 2 ( I was leaving town for a week and he took me to dinner). He claimed he would miss me, I think he did because he called/text me every waking minute. He even encouraged me to come home early. At this point I was sure that there was no one else, he was only seeing me. I believed his lies. I was desperately in love with this man, he almost consumed my every thought. When he was around me I was like a love sick school girl. I’m 49, he’s 33. I started to suspect that he could see me, he wasn’t making the effort. I would attempt to break it off but he would suck me right back. I was weak for him. I spent my weekends without him but he kept in contact via text. This went on for months. He told my that his dad had prostate cancer and that took up a lot of his weekends and money. I found out later that dad died in 2008. After 3 months he started asking to ” borrow” money. I didn’t think it was a big deal at first because we were in a relationship and he said he would pay it back. He was using sex to get it and excuses as to why he couldn’t repay it when promised…all the while borrowing more. I don’t know what he was doing with his money… He had a good paying job and a 2nd job driving for uber. I was blindly in love. Slowly I was catching on to the lies, they were small lies and he always denied that he was lying. I was getting tired of the no time on the weekends and was complaining. Things started to deteriorate and I became angry we would frequently break up. I began to be verbally abusive to him. One night it seemed to turn him on because he begged me for 2 hours to come over ( while I’m cursing him out). I finally went over and as soon as he opened the door he pounced on me with kisses and sex. It was amazing but weird. I was thinking ” yeah he’s crazy”. During this sex he was telling me that this would be our last time together because I was mean. It wasn’t. He became distant and there was a forced break ( a month) but he came back. We had a huge argument and he wouldn’t talk to or see me for about a month. One day out of the blue he text me and said he forgave me. We started back talking. 2 days after that he was forced to resign his job ( for dishonesty) and ran to me. He was devastated and didn’t know what to do, I jumped right in to help him in any way that I could. I clung to me like a confused child BUT still wasn’t seeing me on the weekends. The same excuses. By this time he had lost his apartment and moved home with his parents. I quickly became frustrated at his refusal to give me his time and told him I wasn’t going to do this with him anymore. The games really began then!! 2 days before my birthday he asked me to meet him, I did. 10 minutes after he was supposed to be there I text him asking where he was, he said he would be an hour late. I was livid!!! I went to his parents house, he wasn’t there. He was pissed because I went to his parents house. I quickly learned that he didn’t want me talking to his parents because he didn’t want me to tell them what was going on with him. This is about the time I’m seeing the real SP!!! I had never yelled, cursed or called me names. He did then, broke up with me ( I had already did that but he has to be in control). I had demanded all the money that he owed me back. He agreed that he would pay me when he got his retirement money in a few weeks. I forced him to sign a promissory note ( for twice what he actually owed me). From that point he was nasty and mean. He agreed to meet me to pay me, he didn’t show. I went to his parent’s house ( he was there) he threw a check in my car. I didn’t trust the check so I went in the house and told the parents what was going on. They assured me that the check would be good or I should come back and they would make sure I got my money. SP was angry and wouldn’t speak to me for a month. He returned a text and we started communicating again. We got together one night. I kept asking about the status of his marriage, he was adamant that they were divorcing and that he didn’t want her. I FB messaged her and she told me that no divorce papers were filed and they were trying to work things out. When he found out that I contacted her he was FURIOUS!!! He text me that I was right all along, that he loved her and would always love her!! That I was just sex and although I did some nice things for him that he was never going to give me anything other than what he was giving me. The wife informed me that she was considering divorce because he cheated on her as soon as she went to Dubai. That is wasn’t just sex but a whole relationship. They had been together 8 years and she loved him and I had no idea of the hurt she’s endured. I told her to leave him, he will destroy her. She think that they are soulmates. Her mother and sister messaged me that I was in a long line of women that he’s hurt, I was fortunate that I didn’t marry him and I had their deepest sympathies. I was like WOW who was I with?! It was nasty texts back and forth and of could he took no responsibility for lying and deceiving me then. He was furious that he had been exposed though! Crazy as this sounds I still loved him. We got together in January and spent the night together. I didn’t feel good about myself so I pressed him to come clean about everything. He apologized for hurting me, he said that he wasn’t mad that I contacted his wife and exposed him… That he deserved it and he put me in a place to have to do that. Still would not truthfully answer any direct question. All he would admit to is lying about not having time to spend with me and said the reason he didn’t was simply because he just didn’t want to. That hurt me to my core!! I though he does that to someone who cared about him like I did. I was always there no matter what he needed. I showered with love and attention and anything else he wanted. I retaliated and he said I was crazy and blocked me. There hasn’t been any contact in almost a month. I just found out a week ago that he is a sociopath. I was shocked but it all make sense now!! Feed back please. Still trying to process and figure out why me?
First post here and I guess this is the first step in connecting with people who have gone through something similar. For perspective, I would need to state that I am a woman who just got out of almost 13 months of HELL with a female P. I left the relationship mid Jan 2016 and its still very raw and I am haunted on a daily basis of all the emotional and psychological battle I have to endure alone. No one I knew around me had gone through something of this magnitude so I found it really hard to relate and tell my story.
TL;DR
Lesbian P girlfriend sweeps me off my feet, moves in together with me and cuts me off from family and society by being the perfect wife, driving me around for appointments, cooking and cleaning for me, paying for all my clothes, shoes, bags, meals, holidays for me. Agrees to get married and start our own gay little family with 2 dogs … and then without my knowledge steals my income statements to apply for credit cards, and racks up debt of around 80K, and stole my ATM and pin code to swipe another 100K out for her gambling. I reported her to the cops, and now she writes sad love songs, talks about our dog “that has no mummy now”, and I have to keep in constant contact with her because the damn investigation process is getting too long. Her mum had already paid of 70K of the credit card debts she has racked up, but they would only return me my 100K if my P was not jailed or charged. She now has a new older sugar mummy that I am sure she is leeching on. Unfortunately I have to keep in contact with her because she keeps pestering me to drop the charges and we have so much to settle for our lease. Being back in the dating circle and meeting assholes who don’t wanna settle yet again perpetuates the “Maybe she was still a better choice / or I should be be delusional” thoughts. I slowly found out our relationship was built on a lie and she was NEVER the person she had painted herself to be.
HOW IT STARTED
When I first met my X-P in Oct 2012, it was through an dating app and we barely spoke much as she was still located in Australia then. All I could remember is that she had a marketing role in a casino, and that her grandfather had left her money to purchase a property in the suburbs. We did not keep in contact after that initial text.
However, in Oct 2014 she texted me again. At that point of time, I had just gotten out of a relationship which I felt utter neglect from my ex who never gave me any time and was always busy or too exhausted from work. My P swept me off my feet – she was the perfect woman I thought I could ever meet. She was androgynous, attractive in a very gay sense, fashionable and knowledgable about many things. She was flashy and had expensive taste in food, cars and anything possible. We hooked up within a week or so and moved in in 2 weeks. It was what you call the lesbian fast-forward motion. She even told me she had moved back to my city just to start a new life with me as she had been living abroad for the past 10 years.
At the initial stage, everything was rosy and amazing. She was sweet, endearing and amazing in bed. She gave me all the attention I needed. I had a sales role so she drove me around all the time. She said she had a (this is where it gets thorny) gambling business back in Australia where she claimed to be a Permanent Resident and had 2 staff who could entertain her clients when she was away. Now looking back, which business owner turns into her girlfriend’s full time Uber-driver overnight? It seemed like her competent staff was always able to generate sales and all for her, without needing her physical presence back in Australia. She was also always running through “numbers and reports” of all her clients’ dealings and how much they would have rolled in the casino. Likewise, locally where we were at, she would always meet her clients at the local casino and everytime she went in, she made money. We were never short of it. We had money bills lying all over the house, and I never had to pay for a single meal or for anything we bought, be it groceries or necessities. We went on expensive trips to London, France and even had my birthday in Bali. She showered me with branded shoes, bags, presents – you name it, I had it. We changed 2 cars in a year.
Like all Ps, she isolated me from my family members and friends. I was happy to do that – I bought into her whole ‘let’s stay home and cook dinner’ thing. When I wanted to meet up with friends, she got upset which I found so endearing so I would make it up to her by finding more time to spend with her. She just wanted me all to herself. Our daily life was so sweet and non-dramatic unlike my previous relationships – we would be out of the house for morning brunch, and then I would have some appointments and she would then do her own stuff too. By 4pm or 5pm, we would always catch each other and she would come pick me from the office and we would go for a nice slow dinner either around the neighbourhood or we could pick up groceries nearby to whip up something simple for dinner. She could cook well, and she was just the perfect wife – she would do laundry, the dishes, pack the house – everything I didn’t want to do. She drove and waited patiently for hours when I had appointments. Life was just the two of us. Kinda cute, but so sadistic now looking back.
The funky shit started when she said she lost her wallet and needed my cards to book flights for her clients flying into Australia for gambling sessions. She always got a cut of whatever they spent at the casino and therefore I obliged. The other red flags then came up when I noticed BANK DEMAND LETTERS in the mailbox. I was absolutely petrified as I had never had a banking relationship with these banks to begin with!! She insisted it was the work of her staff, and even said that they were exploiting her for their own gain, such as charging entertainment expenses to my card etc. The sums kept growing along with the interests but she said she would take care of them. She would drop me at the office, then make her way to the casino “conference room” to speak with her staff or casino personnel in Australia about all these charges. I later found out she was just GAMBLING.
Finally, she said her company in Australia was going belly up. She gave me a list of her creditors and how much she had to return them. She even listed the cards and numbers down on a sheet and how much she had owed each individual and I obliged to lend her money to pay them off. Somewhere in June 2015, I kept noticing my ATM card was missing. She would insist that it would be in the car, and she would cut it soon and gave me plenty of excuses why she needed my card etc. When I checked my online banking statement, I saw huge sums of money being drawn out, sometimes 10k at a go. I was absolutely shocked. She finally cut the card end December 2015, and I created a new bank account for my company to credit my pay in. I changed the pin codes and I stashed the ATM card behind my phone which I have at all times which she would never have access to. I watched the phone and card very closely.
THIS IS WHERE IT ALL WENT DOWN…
Damn right. By mid 2015, we were seeing the cracks in the relationship, after I noticed all the bank letters. She caught me chatting with people from work and she got upset. I had some male clients who would text me flirtatiously and she would get all insecure and accused me of cheating on her emotionally and how that had pushed her to gamble heavily. I would be home with our little dog and she could be at the casino till 3 or 4am. I never once met up with these men who flirted with me. However it got to a point where I knew it was NOT SUSTAINABLE and I was planning to get her to fess up. By then she had borrowed a good 100k from me, and she insisted her oh-so-wealthy family would pay her debt off in a second.
Everytime she pulled the “I’ll pay you the 100K and we are done / I don’t wanna see you again shit”, I would soften and give in, although I knew deep down it was never going to work out in the long run. I barely had any money in my bank account and I found it hard to even pay my own staff. Yet I was absolutely in love with this P, and she would just cuddle me to sleep and whisper sweet nothings in the morning to me. I was an absolute sucker to all that sweet nothings. We would argue the hell out but wake up as lovers again the next morning. The cycle continued on till mid Jan 2016.
I was out for a wedding dinner one evening. I knew our rent was due and the landlord had been expecting a 2 month rent check . By then I knew I was done – I told her I would not be giving her a single cent and she would have to cough the money out. I could not focus during the whole wedding dinner event. I was planning for the longest time to leave her. I thought it would be a simple breakup two normal beings go through. I even wanted to go back home because she was crying and she said she did not have any money to pay the landlord. And then she dropped the bomb – she said she would get her mum to pay, but I have to come back and pack up and GTFO.
And indeed I did. I came home in fear, and started packing up. I called a friend and he was waiting in the car for me, while I picked up essential items I had needed for the next couple of days. I picked up important work documents, clothes and the bare essentials and then left with a heavy heart. Breaking up never felt so painful. I had always thought she’s the one.
Out of instinct, I texted a mutual friend whom we knew for my P ex’s contact. I remembered her ex once called me and told me that my P still owed her money. My P insisted it was the other way around. I finally got in touch with her ex, a lady called M, and M told me everything: IT WAS ALL A LIE – MY P’S PARENTS AND HER ARE DEAD BROKE, MY P WAS STEALING FROM HER TOO, AND APPLIED FOR CREDIT CARDS WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE TO SWIPE MONEY FOR GAMBLING, SHE NEVER HAD A COMPANY BACK IN AUSTRALIA, AND SHE NEVER EVER HAD ANY STAFF OR “HIGH ROLLER CLIENTS”… AND THAT ALL HER BANK STATEMENTS THAT I SAW LYING AROUND WAS JUST FORGED. EVERYTHING THAT WAS RELATIONSHIP WAS BUILT ON, WAS A LIE. SHE WAS NOT THIS WEALTHY CHICK WHO HAD HALF A MILLION IN FUNDS IN AUSTRALIA AND HER PARENTS DID NOT STAY IN A HUGE HOUSE NOR DID HER GRANDFATHER LEAVE A HOUSE IN HER NAME.
I was in utter disbelief. That night, my P drove over to find me and she kept begging me to come back. She must have wondered what finally knocked the sense out of me! The next day, I just needed to convince my heart that it was NOT REAL at all. Her ex gave me my P’s real address and where her parents actually stayed – my heart sank when I realised that my P’s parents were staying in a run down tiny apartment next to the one she had always claimed she stayed. They looked destitute and probably really poor.
And then I demanded her parents’ to pay whatever bank demand letters I had gathered at that point of time. Over the next couple of days, my P would keep coming over to my temporary place and beg for a reconciliation. Her mum had started making payments by then and I promised I would not report it to the police. However, I received a call from another bank demanding immediate payment or a lawsuit would follow. I had no choice but to report the whole incident – all the bank notices and the 100k to the police. What really broke the straw on the camel’s back was when her ex told me that my P just needed me to pay her back (she impersonated her ex to borrow money from friends, and she stole about 30K from her ex. Same modus operandi with the credit card fraud as well)
AFTERMATH OF THE POLICE
Once the police stepped in, I never felt more relieved. She was arrested and held at the police station for a day or so and her passport had been impounded and her mum had to come bail her out. Once she was out, she proposed restitution and I agreed to meet up. I got my dad to come along and we packed up whatever that was left at our place and tried to negotiate a restitution term. It was extremely disadvantageous to me – her mum agreed to pay off whatever bank related charges BUT the 100k would only be returned if my P was not charged or jailed in court. We had mutually agreed that I would drop all charges and probably even write in to the police not to have her charged in court.
Over the next couple of days, I had to generate my credit report and to my amazement there must have been around 10 banks in it, all of which I never had a banking relationship ever with! When I called up, all the banks told me that they received my income documents and had approved my cards in JANUARY 2015, WHICH WAS BARELY 3 MONTHS AFTER WE HAD MOVED IN TOGETHER. She sunk her claws in at such an early stage but kept blindsiding me by accusing me of infidelity. I had to call each bank for an outstanding and send that to her mum to pay.
I tried giving my P a chance, and we would meet up back at our place to talk and hook up, but I could never trust her with my personal belongings or anything. I then found out, and also she admitted that she snooped into my bag for my notice of assessment, printed them out and then sent to different banks for credit approval. I had a good income so it was never declined. She would then swipe money from the cards to spend them at the casinos and essentially gambled the money away. She kept insisting that she had never borrowed from her friends but only admitted the truth after I kept pressurizing her. After a while, everything was just a blur and I could never figure out what was truth anymore. She would send me lovey dovey texts and emails expressing regret for all her actions. It moved me but I know I had to stop replying her or I would go insane.
We were supposed to go for a concert on 15 Feb 2016 and I had prebooked these way in advance as a Valentine’s Day gift. I knew she might bail on me at the last minute given her volatility, I insisted she transfer me the ticket money and she did. However, on Valentine’s day itself she insisted we meet up at our place and she demanded the tickets because she didn’t wish to see me or repair the relationship at all (what sincerity). Likewise, she kept blaming me and insisting that she was tired trying to make amends and that whatever efforts she had taken did not move me and that she would rather not continue trying to repair our relationship.
So I drove there only to find a new victim, new sex toys and flowers everywhere in the apartment. It was a huge blow to my ego, self esteem and mental health being and at that point of time I truly regretted not forgiving her. I had started to read up on psychopaths, sociopaths and pathological liars at that point in time but I kept trying to convince myself it was not true and that she genuinely changed.
DID SHE REALLY CHANGE?
Nope, I don’t think so – as much as I wished she really did. Her aloof attitude told me that she has probably already found a new victim. However, we have so many unsettled issues like phone bills, cable connection that was all tied into my name that I had to keep in constant contact with her. It was painful and miserable to receive a text from her all the time. If I took longer than half an hour to reply, she would send me more messages and follow up with a call. It got so bad that I had to block them or I would not be able to focus at work. I would drive up several times in a day to our place just wishing that I could reverse everything and that this was not real and she was genuinely in love with me.
Recently, her uncle past away. She told me about it and I decided to attend the funeral. I felt sorry for her family and I still loved her. Damn, she still looks so fine that I would love to hit that again. Curiosity always kills the cat – her new partner/victim was there too. It got obvious that her “ex high school teacher” was more than just a friend given how they acted. When I questioned her about it, she was aloof and showed zero remorse. She in fact looked kinda happy to have found a new victim – probably an older sugar mummy to leech off all the same again.
I REALLY NEED ADVICE
Nights are the loneliest for me. We used to spend evenings watching Masterchef or some random TV series after work before cuddling and finally falling asleep. And then I wake up to her sweet ‘I love yous’. These days I am always tired and barely able to focus at work because of this negativity that hangs over me. It is almost impossible to get over her because the wounds are so raw, and yet I am unable to fully cut her off. At the same time, I am still always ever-so-curious about her movements, conversations and her new partner that it makes me sick. I feel like some sick depraved looney that needs to find out every movement or conversation and as we are giving up the lease, I wonder where she would be putting up etc.
I go on dates but I meet the worst assholes who don’t wanna settle down, hence making me wonder if I should have just been delusional and kept hanging on because dating again makes me feel more vulnerable and lonelier than ever.
I try to go back to church and find all sorts of new activities like joining a running club and a meditation group to focus on but the past still comes to haunt me. I feel all ready to see her sorry ass in jail. Her mum begged me to drop the charges but the police said it’s too large of a sum and it’s likely that she would need to be jailed anyway (so even if I dropped the charged they will still go ahead any way to charge her regardless). I am trying to go on a holiday but work seems too much to juggle at this point of time so I need to put off travel plans for a while.
I probably aged a lot more in the past one and a half months since the breakup and the horrible discovery that my darling ex-girlfriend that I wanted to settle down with, and that I adored was just a psychotic P or N or S… whatever you term it to be. If anyone out there has gone through something similar, I would love to speak with you. I am determined to walk out of this.
Thanks for reading everyone. I know it is a lot to digest and I am just grateful to have found time commit myself in writing because I believe that’s the first step to forgiveness and recovery.
@deedee2208
Believe me you aren’t alone. I got out of a relationship with a woman as well about 6 months ago. The blame is still all apparently held on me although she used me for money and then left me for some dude (although she said she was uber gay) it’s all a game I’m telling you. I know that feeling you have..I used to stay up cuddling with my sp watching (ironically) master chef..I used to be forced to stay in because she wanted me all to her self. I wasn’t allowed seeing anyone but her really. Once I didn’t have all this money to support her, she dipped. She plays the ignoring game some days and other days she won’t stop texting. Well she mainly ignores whenever she fears that I no longer give a shit so she will blow my phone up and then repeat said silent treatment when I accept the “apology.” It’s very nerve wrecking and depressing and it literally eats at you..BUT you and I both know we are better off without them. They will only make things worse..and believe me, I know..they’re like a drug sometimes..but that’s how they want you to feel. They want to have that control. I’m going through the same emotional stage at this point and all I can really say is to try and associate her with bad thoughts..don’t let the good memories get hold of you..they don’t care about the good memories, they used you, it was all a fake. So whenever I’ve started to think of good memories about my ex sp I just think of all the mean, cruel hearted things she’s put me though and stop myself. Good luck with all of this, I really do wish you the best dear. Don’t let this bring you down.
Yes you are not alone by any means and hopefully we can bond each other’s strengths to carry on.I today am getting phone calls to my house phone for her new wife Another new phase in this game I’m not Farmiliar with.i will continue on NC no madder what they throw at me through strengh and support, as we all do.It seems to have ramped up to weekly Hoover here lately.Some way shape or form to make me know they are around like I’m not of free mind and will.It has to at some point get better than this somewhat normal peaceful and free.
@Deetee and @CindyT – so sorry that you are going through this. Yet again there are so many parallels in your stories. We all struggle to understand how the love we felt, the passion and the deep feeling of mutual attraction could be something manufactured and deliberately contrived. It’s not unnatural to struggle with this, for me, emotion is real, I cannot understand how it isn’t for someone else. A SP doesn’t FEEL. I suppose they look upon everything they do as a sort of business decision – will this get me what I want?
It’s HORRIBLE to play with a person’s emotions in this way, but they would see it as just another move in the game of life.
You are not alone – but you are BETTER than they could ever be. Don’t rush to try to find an alternative to patch you up, instead, look to your own strengths, your own needs and satisfy them. I have found the greatest comfort in friendship, and in the lonely hours I read a book or try to concentrate on the world outside my own unhappiness. It takes effort, but in the end it is better than being defiled by someone devoid of conscience.
I wish you all the luck in the world to love yourself, and stand up to these “aliens”. Lana x
Thank you Lana… It’s been up and down for me. Unfortunately today isn’t a good day at all for me. I find myself crying but I don’t know why. Yesterday I had decided that I feel sympathy for my ex- sociopath. I wish I could magically forget him and our time together. It hurts to know that it and I meant nothing to him. I pray on this constantly.
CindyT – you are crying because you are grieving. Grieving for what you THOUGHT you had, and for the best bits of what you did have. I can empathise, I too feel sorry for my dead SP. Just before your message came through I was feeling guilty because I wondered whether I should have done more for him – I don’t believe he EVER felt guilty about the hurt and pain he caused me and others. Good people feel for others – SP’s do not. You could try making a list of all the lies he told you, and then a list of all the things that you know to be true. Writing has helped me. Ironically, my SP told me and my friends that his aim in life was to encourage me to write – he has done that but not in the way he envisaged! It is early days for you, you are not alone, always remember that you are the better person, you deserve better. Lana x
Thanks Lana… I do understand that it’s a process. I thought I was over the hurt when we finally broke up. I actually felt better when I realized that he was a sociopath because at least I finally got a reason and some answers to why he did what he did. I’ve never encountered such evilness. Those times with him and his words seem so real. My love for him was real… At least he never went so far in his dishonestly to tell me that he loved me, but he told me frequently that he cared about me. I feel like I’m going crazy today. I was ok until today. I pray that tomorrow will be better.
It can help when you realise that they are a sociopath. You know that it isn’t you. But also, you know that it is final, there is nothing that you can do to fix things.
You say about it being real. It might have been about as real as he could make it. Remembering that they can throw themselves so much into character that they can become the lie and believe in it too. Try seeing a sociopath after a period of absence, they will tell YOU the lie, that they have told other people, about you and believe it to be true. Although obviously you would know the truth. So for them, it seemed real, simply because like an actor on stage they were throwing themselves into the role, and it was real.
Take it one day at a time, healing does come. If it hurts, it is healing something. Cry too, not that i want you to cry but it is good to get it out, and let your emotions out. I cant find your original post
in my comments list, but I will try to find it.
Thanks positivagirl. It’s posted under ” Share your story” posts. Yesterday.
Oh, the post is here. And I meant my love for him was real. I realize most of what he did and said to me wasn’t real, it was to keep me around for his own selfish reasons.
Hi Cindy
I think that’s whst I’m coming yo as well. Over 4 years of daily I love you (several times actually), 40 texts, daily coffee, the last person I spoke to at night and the first everymornjng….. And now I’m a leper to be ignored.
It’s gutwrenching
Hi
Positiva
Yes after my last few humiliating attempts where he ignored me…I’m still going. Gosh it’s hard though. I worry that if I don’t stay in his face or keep him in my mind. Then it truly is lost and truly meant nothing
Ah this is the mind trick that you are playing on yourself Joelene, let me repeat this back to you…
‘I worry that if I don’t stay in his face or keep him in my mind then it truly is lost’….. ‘and I meant nothing’…..
Have a look at that statement Joelene.
You say that you felt humiliated. You know, if you contact him he will do this again. You don’t want, or deserve to feel humiliated.
You are holding yourself back by continuing to connect with him, and give him your energy. Did you know that when you are thinking of him, you are sending out your energy to him. This will connect you to him. But not in the way that you think. It will energise him. He will actually think of you LESS not MORE.
I think the part of the statement where you say’it truly is lost and I truly meant nothing’
This is the part that you are struggling with
1. letting go
2. Feeling worthless
You want him to contact you, or at least reply to show that you are not worthless…..
Let me tell you something Joelene, there is a more important person for you to feel worthwhile to – than him.
Do you know who should make you feel important?
YOU!
This is about self love. This is about way before you met this man. You see this man is showing you your core soul wound which lies in abandonment and rejection and I would say came way before you met him. this is about your own sense of worth and how you feel about yourself.
If I was working with you as a 1-1 client, I would then be exploring your background and we would explore where these feelings come from, and find tools to empower you, to take ownership back for you! To learn to truly LOVE YOU…..
I won’t do that on a public forum.
Positiva
Yet again you hit the core and it’s like a light turns on. I’ll email you 🙂 thankyou
I am unable to get into my Hotmail Joelene I will try again later
Cindy
I know what you mean. I’ve had a crying day too. It’s just so horrible to think none of it was real!!!
Jolene…. I know exactly how you feel!! Although we know they don’t care about us, they are not good for us, we want them to care…to reach out. We desperately want to know that it wasn’t all a lie, a game. In my case I don’t think it was ALL a lie… But most of it was. And the fact that they can discard us so abruptly and completely proves that to be true. I’ve stopped reaching out and I think of him daily… Not in a good way, not that I wish he still wanted me, but in a way that I’m shocked that’s who/what he turned out to be. Try to stay busy doing fun things and surround yourself with people who care about you. Cindy
Hi everyone. I apologize in advance for my bad english since I am not a native speaker. I met a sociopath few month ago, when I decided to move to a new country. I was the ideal prey, not because I am weak , but because when you are new in a country, you can easily be manipulated. We dated for 4 month before I understood something was wrong about his behaviour ( gaslighting, making me feel bad for no reason, indirectly putting me down through social medias without mentionning my name, writing indirect threatening by status online..). I lived hell.. He was also a big narcissist, changing his profile pic every single day, sometimes several times a day. I won’t share the whole story cause it is long and I want to get over it but basically the whole thing is he felt jealous when he saw that I was a relatively pretty young girl coming to a new country, helped and getting support from my family, to live my dreams , study and have career opportunities. He wanted to ruin my life and my happiness. I suffered from PSDT and high anxiety but I am working on it and feel better and better day by day.
My problem is : when I was 100% sure that he was a sociopath,he felt it and broke up with me putting the blame on my behaviour (typical). I sent him a long message explaining that I knew he is a sociopath (I said narcisstic pervert) , what he tried to do, and telling him I dont wan’t him in my life. He said he will never come back again so I felt free and relieved. He continued to post some indirect status about me or maybe his other victims through social medias.. I started NO CONTACT to not feel concerned anymore about what he was saying. I broke NC one day and saw that he was talking about ” revenge” on social medias..
Things went pretty good for me several weeks ago, I started to feel less anxiety and be able to study and concentrate which didnt happen to me for a while.
But now I have a very bad intuition since I know sociopath are stalking people ( and even he doesnt know my exact adress he has a good idea about the area where I live), can even hack your phone ( I changed my number because strange things started to happen to my phone..) and even he said he will never come back , he can revenge on trying to ruin my life without appearing as the one who did it. He insisted several times to know the exact location of my uni, wanted to coming to my home, or asking me questions like how much money my parents did pay for my studies.. I felt he wanted to have a lof ot informations before he disappears so he could try to ruin my life from distance.. Especially because I told him that I knew who he was, that he was pathetic and I felt pitty for him and that he did’nt win..
So recently a neighbour started to knock at our door ( I share my house with other people) to complain about a noise that she heard. She is keeping harrassing us while we are very quiet.. She comes several times a week while we never had complaints before. What is very strange is that we are a residence with a lot of flats and she did not even try to see if it was other neighbours who are making this noise. She directly came at our house. I never answered to her but my other flatmates did. She started to say that she was hearing noises at night while we never do parties, sleep at night or study and we are maybe the quitest house of the area!.. Today she came again , talked to my flatmate and told her that she is gonna call our landlord to make a complaint. We were all shocked since we really dont make ANY extra noise, and are really quiet people.. She designated a place from she hears the sounds which was the kitchen .. The problem is the room in front of the kitchen is mine..
I know it sounds crazy and paranoic but I started to feel this has a link with the sociopath I’ve dated..Yes I know it sounds completely CRAZY because it would mean that he came to my residence, payed someone or tried to convince someone to make a complaint about my precise flat.. Things that we usually only see in films. But since I know he is able to do anything ( within the limits of the law of course and without being caught) I have some suspicions about it.. I already saw a profile pic one month ago of him in a street which was really familiar to me , seemed like my area.. Because of him I had a social phobia I couldn’t even go to the uni cause I was scared he could come.
So now that this crazy neighbour will call the landlord, I wanted to have your opinions.. Can a sociopath going this far?? What is his aim? Knowing if I still live there ? Creating troubles between me and my flatmates or making me leave from my flat just before my exams will start?? Since I heard about this neighbour my anxiety came back, I immediatly thought about the sociopath.. Now when I hear big ” BANG BANG” at my door I am scared to open and feel panicking..
If a sociopath can go this far, what should I do? And what can I risk?
My flatmates and my landord are extremely nice people but I have the bad intuition that this neighbour will come every single week till she can see me instead of my flatmates.. Don’t ask me where this intuition comes from, we all know that in stories with sociopath we have to trust our gut instincts..
Hey guys, I couldn’t figure out how to post on here without it being a reply but I really need someone to see or read this and make me feel okay or sane again. I am currently in a horrible situation on and off again with what I believe is a Sociopath. Right now as I am typing this he is texting me reasons why I am useless because I asked him to pick some of his stuff up out of my place so my cousin could stay for a few days because she is in bad shape. I want to state; he does NOT pay a thing here even though he live here 99 percent of the time. No rent, no groceries, toiletries- nothing. But it is always like this. He treats me like I am disposable, and last week one of our fights got so bad he attacked me and I have been at work for a week with a broken nose, two black eyes, and a bruised cheek. I am not stupid or naive. I know none of this is right. I know this is terrible treatment and I would not let any of my friends stay in a situation like this. The only problem is- I TRULY love him. My heart feels like its exploding when he leaves me, and he leaves me every week or so. I have constant anxiety because he is NEVER happy or satisfied and has something to be mad at me for. The time before the last physical altercation I had a miscarriage of an unknown pregnancy and when I told him he called me a liar and said it probably wasn’t even his. He calls me “crazy”, “bitch”, “slut” and worse all the time. And when I’m away from him all I can think about is how to get his things out of my place and never having to see him again. I’m so confused. Why can’t I just break ties with someone who CLEARLY does not mean it when he says he loves me? When we’re broken up I can’t resist texting him because I just want to hear that I’m not worthless and that he really does need me. I’m asking that someone please help me. I’ve gotten professional help and the suggestion has been “leave him”. Well I did this weekend and have been called every name under the sun and worse. What do I do to stop myself from trying to go back. Please. Anyone. I’m being ruined by this person.
Hey!! I hope that other people also see your message and reach out to help you too.
Always you KNOW that this is an abusive relationship. You should be calling the police and having him charged with assault. You think you are in love with him, really, you are in love with the illusion that he sold to you, did you fall in love with a liar, a user, and a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive man. Is this who you fell in love with as this is the reality.
What do your friends say? This is NOT your fault, you really please need to get away from this man and I urge you to seek additional support from a domestic abuse centre close to where you are. Keep in contact with us. Please!!
Send me an email at datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk I would like to work with you 1-1 -yes he will call you names, as he is a lame ass bully, he won’t like you trying to get away from him. This type the violent type is the worst type of all. You really do have to get away from him. You might think you love him, but likely this is because he has smashed your self esteem to pieces, and you don’t know how to think anymore..
@ Always Hurt
Definitely go to the police a.s.a.p. Domestic violence usually gets worse and more frequent so you must get out of this relationship now. I was assaulted three times by mine (last one was the worse – I regret not taking photos of my injuries) and wish I had allowed the police to prosecute for the assault he was arrested for. You need to take as many steps as you can to protect yourself. The police will also put you in contact with other support agencies (eg Victim Support). Believe me, once you have got out of this violent and abusive relationship you will realise just how badly you have been treated and how you deserve so much BETTER.
@always hurt….you know the answer, but you are refusing to accept it. He may or may not be a sociopath, but he is certainly abusive. He’s not ever going to stop hurting you. It will only get worse. You are his punching bag when everything goes wrong in his life. He loves having you around to abuse and then forgive him so he doesn’t feel like a worthless piece of shit for beating you. Get away from him. That’s the answer. You are not the worthless. He is. Your life is sacred and can be happy and fulfilling, but you need to get rid of your abuser before it gets worse. He’s already sent you to work beaten up. What’s next?
Hey! I wonder the same things like you…its been a year we have broken up but at that timne he would call me and tell me that he will take revenge on me at a time i’ll b unsuspicious!!! In December 2015 (after 9 months on NC) i saw him accidentaly on the train station (weird)..we didnt speak but emailed him next day and told him that i felt sorry for my harsh words (i told him he was useless at sex..it was truw though) and wished him and his family blessings and he answered me back saying that he was sorry too for breaking my heart and that it wasnt his intention(and that was it..no more communication)…2 weeks later that time though i had a discussion with a client of mine and it came out that my Narc 2 weeks b4 seeing him at the station was playing basket against my clients team (my cleint didnt remember him but clearly my Narc DID remember him cause he was coming at my shop and would notice EVERYone and being a lawyer and very smart would tell me that once time to see a person he would remeber him and never forget him) and he started asking him questions that would lead my client to talk about me (without it being evident of him trying to ask things about me)…e.g are you from this area? do you know al the Internet Cafes in the area? Do you know Battlenet? dO YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE WORKING THERE? Do you know a girld with black SHORT hair (i have black LONG hair and at the time hge was coming at my shop only another girl was working there who was blond)…weird…i thought…what was his intention? he didnt learn anything valuable? Anyway..all this seemed weird to me…a month late (in January) i was standing outside my shop and a car passed me by and i noticed that the guy inside had stopped and starring at me (AND i recognised him..he is playing basket with my Nark in his team..he doesnt know that i have seearced and know these guys faces or name…but i recognised him)..which again was weird and then i thoiught like you do..hmmm.,am i crazy???? 2 weeks ago i was at the gym and i was working out and reading a book at the same time and i felt someone was looking at me and i looked and there was ANOTHER guy from his team (who doesnt know i know his face and who he is) was starring at me!!! (Firts time i saw him in face)..next day as i went to the supermarket close to my shop, when i was at the cashier i saw the first guy with the car enetring the supermarkt and leaving after 3 meeting without having bought ANYTHING!!!
Do you think i am crazy?? I feel worried and stressed that he is up to something..i also thought that if this the case (revenge..cause i had fb messaged his MAIN girlfriend of 11 years abotu everything – despite the fact that she went back to him again) it is genious that i saw him at the train sation which his office is (cause i threw away the thought that he planned it cause i said: well it si logical..cause his office is there) cause he could do it on purpose so that i dont think it was on purpose (but if i thinik the way he was aking about me..he is so clever..which makes more sense!!)
I dont know..,i am just VERY CAREFUL..i told my family about it..gave his adress toa friend of mine in case anything happens to me and i emailed to myself an email saying all these stuff beforehand in case…
Hi. Dont panic. They would need a lot more proof before they can evict you for noise. Ignore it. Other neighbours can testify that they didnt hear a thing.
please try to stay calm. He just wants a reaction. Tell that neighbour to take their proof and tell the damn landlord!
Hi have let through now, but you need to change your name, I did on this one as it came up with your email! – Now removed.
Hi Cindy!! Your story is exactly like mine (i met him august 2014 and broke up December 2014)..i posted it on this site at that time i was confused and hurt..you will find so many similarities…so here it goes:
broke up with him (the beginning of December 2014)..luckily i only stayed in that relationship for four months! He first approached me saying that he is about to break up with his girlfriend (out of 11 years ) and asked me to go out with him but although i was really attracted to him at first place (amazingly handsome, 34 years old, lawyer etc.) i said no because i didnt want to get into trouble..a week or so later he approached me and told me that they broke up so we went out on a date (even though i knew that he was probably lying about the break up thing) ..so we started dating but i told him that because i didnt trust him , our relationship would only move to the “physical level” only until she moves out of the house..but until then we could date and get to know each other..From our first date he would speak to me like no other guy has ever spoken to me! He was so amazed of how beautiful i am and that by the first time he saw me he felt something different..he even told me that he was in love with me and he was picturing us having children..we were going out only for 10 days and he met my sister and brother in law but it didnt go well..he wasnt very friendly ( i was shocked actually cause until then i was sure that he would be with them just like he was with me..but it was the first sign of his aggressive behavior..my brother in law told me that he was lying to me, that he had another relationship and that he was furious because he couldnt get to sleep with me..so he had taken ti personally, like a challenge..on the other hand, he hated my sister and brother in law..he told me that he was a jerk and in a kind way he told me that my sister had a shit heart..and all this mostly because we are religious and he is an atheist and he claimed that they didnt want him because of that..he even cried in front of m,e telling me all these beautiful words like: “i cant believe that the girl of my dreams will reject me cause i am an atheist..i am dreaming of us in our bed with our kid sunday morning and you are telling me that you will have to go to church and miss all these beautiful moments?”)…so by that night i was upset with my family that they were so close minded and because of them i would lose the perfect guy that came to my life..so i stopped taking their advice about my relationship..actually, i stopped telling them anything about it..and of course, with his behavior he made it clear to me that he wouldnt like to see them again..the days were passing, and one day he asked me to go for the weekend at his cottage and i denied it! We had a big fight there but i told him that i wouldnt move from what i had first said..so he got so upset and told me that he would need to go alone to his cottage for that weekend so that he would think whether he wanted to jump straight into a relationship again (after 11 years of not being single) …that weekend we talked more than 12 hours on the phone!! It felt like it was teenage romance..but when he came back, while he was kissing me and loving me he told me..well my ex called me and asked me to give her another chance!! (Now, i know why he said this..i now dont believe he ever broke up with her or event intented to…and because he wanted to get physical with me but i had set these boundaries, by saying this to me he thought that i would react like any other woman that in order not to lose him, i would do ANYTHING to keep him..and this was sex!) But i reacted the opposite way! i laid back and had a fight..went that night home and was ready to tell him next day that i would break up with him, i would give him1 month in order to decide what he wants..but he first called me at midnight and came to my house to tell me that he chose to follow his heart and that today he told her that they couldnt have another chance cause he is in love with another woman..i was sooo happy!!! i was feeling the luckiest girl on earth!!! i couldnt believe that he chose me instead of her! He was so in love..he even started making plans for vacations..where should we go this summer?etc..everything was great BUT i still told him that i needed her first to move out of the house..and he told me that this time that he was clearer to her about their breakup she would find quickly a house to move out..Two days later we were at that cafeteria, being in love, kissing, telling me that i deserved Him, i deserved his love, that i was such a special person..and then SHE came!! She stood above us, shacking her head..she told me : i wish that someone will do the same thing you do to me..and then she told him: Is that the way you throw 11 years of our relationship to the garbage? Why do you fool her???..and she left..he was shocked!! He asked me to leave the cafeteria and that we would talk on the phone the same night..but he only contacted me 2 days later cause he said he needed time on his own cause he was so shocked..he had never seen his ex acting that crazy..of course these two days i was in pain, i was wondering what was he doing..i knew that something was wrong there..but i was in love and i wanted eveyrthing he had said to me to be real!! He was a jackpot!! anyways, i believed him cause i thought she only came because he had told her about my existance the previous night and she wanted to see that other woman..when i asked him why did she say:why do you fool her?? he told me she said it cause she wanted to ruin what we had..our love!..he also told me that she asked him three favors..one of them was that i wouldnt go into his house until she had fully gone!!. (which promise he did break cause i went to his house a week b4 our final breakup).so i was feeling sorry and i said..ok..i can understand..so we keep dating without the physical until she finally moves out…few days later though, his sister gave birth..so he took me to the hospital and i met his sister, his mother, his brother in law and other family..his mother was so kind..she told me that she knew that her son would make the right decision..so, i believed that he was actually telling me the truth and so accepted his offer to go to his cottage!!!..we were so in love! Everything was perfect! we would spend hours and hours together, everyday on the phone!!..few weeks later though he told me something unexpected..that his ex (until this time she was satying at friends houses) would come and stay 2-3 times a week at his house!!!..and guess what! I had to take it all in, cause he was sincere..so he wasnt lying!! I knew that this was not normal, but i kept telling myself that time will show..he cant keep lying forever.. until that morning that he got frustrated with me cause he came to my shop and instead of saying Hi to him from the time he entered i kept talking to my client and after i finished with the client i went to kiss and hug him..Οh! he also got upset cause i first gave an ashtray to my client and then to him!! He left the shop really furious! He made me feel like a whore! That it was my fault..(it was saturday morning)..he wasnt answering to my phone calls or txts..sunday came and i was started thinking about his reaction that it was illogical!..and said to myself, that if he is disapeared for the whole sunday and contacts me again on Monday for that stupid reason..he would propably need and excuse so that he would be away from me the whole weekend..i texted him again, never got an answer until i decided to go by his house..i texted him that i was going to his house so that we solve the problem..and suddenly he answered me back..he told me not to go and that he wouldnt open the door and i told him..why??Is she there? And he said yes! (but remember??he had told me that she was going..i hadnt caught him lying to me!)..and i told him that it would b a great opportunity for her to tell me that all of what he was telling was real!..he said..r u crazy? She hates you! she thinks u r responsible 4 our break up..she will kill you..anyways…we talked, we had a huge fight..i was asking him to delete her from facebook so that he proves me he is saying the truth (my account was deactivated all this time) and he kept telling me..i maybe not be in love with here but i have already broken her heart for leaving her..is that so important for you to make her feel even worse??..i was swearing at him, he was swearing at me and i decided to facebook this woman and tell her everything..with details so that he wouldnt be able to lie to her again about me and make everything ok again..so i told her details like ex. where were you last wednesday? Cause u werent at your house..i was with him having sex..and if you dont believe me the house is like that, with these furniture etc..I didnt tell him i did that and meanwhile he convinced me again that he was real, and that the person i fell in love for was real and not fake!! and that in a month he would prove to all that he is not lying!!…i decided not to tell him anything about what i had done so that i would make sure what was goiing on..and the time came a few days later that she read the message..he called me and started swearing at me..you whore, you piss of shit, you have a shit soul you broke that womans heart!!! etc..it kept going..he kept calling me calling me names, making me feel the worst person on earth for breaking her heart, that i dont deserve his love and he was so wrong about me!! He was threating me..he came 3-4 times by my shop to call me names and threaten me..the last day i saw him, he first called me to tell me that we was telling me lies all this time and that he would never love me..he could never love me! He only loved her and compared to her i am nothing!..half an hour later he came by the shop to tell me that he was telling me the truth all this time, that he HAD broken up with her and that she would move out a few days later but I screwed everything up!!..I told him to leave!!!!and that if he ever thratens me again i had a friend in the police who knows his name, address etc.so he left..and an hour later he came back..for the first time he was sobber..he told me that he didnt mean what he was saying cause he was angry and thats why,..and come on..admit it! It was wrong what you did..and he had the nerve to ask him to make him a cup of tea to talk!!!..i was so shocked at that time by this confusing behavior..i asked him to leave and never come back…after the breakup 3 days b4 chirstams he texted me “by accident”..i got a text that was supposed to go to his friend..i knew that he was a coward and he did it on purpose but i didnt break my non-contact!!.. (a month later) i decided to activate my fb account again so that i can see what would he do..and hadnt deleted me all this time that i was deactivated but once i activated it , in two hours, he had deleted me! But he still had her as a friend..so i blocked him!..my parents told me that he knew that this would upset me and he did it on purpose so thte would break my non-contact way!!.some days later i texted him and told him: i was right for everything! and he texted back: excuse me? who is this??..i told him:you know!!…and he didnt answer me back…at that time i decided to unblock him so that i can see how much he searches for me and thinks about me..and yes! He was..he blocked me back!! He noticed that i unblocked him?? How???..so i texted him again telling him that he is funny and worths nothing..and he kept texting back that he doesnt know who this is..he didnt call me (cause it was sunday night and was propably with her),,but Monday morning(next day) he called me from his office ..i didnt answer..he called me again..i didnt answer..i knew that he knew it was me! and i knew that he was calling to pretend to see who was it and to start conversation with me..but i wanted to avoid having a conversation with him..so he texted me back swearing to that “unknown” person who had texted him and asking who this is and that i should answer the phone..so i texted him back saying:oh im sorry..it must have been wrong number..im so sorry (if he wants to play games, i can play games also!!)…and he answered back..tell me who are you so that i can help you..and i said it was a mistake..these texts were going to a mean person with no values at all! I am sure that you are a kind person though! I dont need you help sir, my problem is solved!..and he finally said :i know that its you!! ansrwe the phone to talk..you know that you are sick and you need help??? but i never answered it!!
Next day he emailed me telling me that he did the mistake to search on my profile from a friends account and he saw all these articles i posted about narcissists & sociopaths and at first he thought to let me believe that he is the bad guy and i am the good girl he did wrong BUT he told me..dont forget! I am the one who had a great relationship with a great woman for 11 years(!!) and you are the one complaining that men want you only for sex..do you wonder why?? Maybe because you dont worth anything more? You dont need to look on the internet to understand my character..let me tell you who i am..i want trustworthy people, with a good character and good value and not shit people with no ethics!! you could never be my girl (you dont deserve it) not even to come and clean my house you dont deserve!and..come on!! Do you think you are a “trophy” ???Give us a break!!!
A month later i emailed him a big mail telling my point of vie and answered back saying that i have come to these conclusions on my own, that there was no point in answering to ANY of these cause i had already made up my mind that he was a liar!!
(Between all these 2 months of our break up i was getting all those weird messages on my hidden fb – which he knew i had cause i had showed him- and everyday weird frienbd requests…till that point i had never ever had any friend request because it was a fake account)
A month later i called him and asked to meet with him..as i wanted closure…(all this time he was posting love songs publicly & i didnt know how to interprete this..if these songs were for her he didnt need to post them on public cause they were firends on fb…so i thought..he does that so that i can see it and feel jealous that he is after her orrr he is doint it so that he can do both at the same time..make me feel jealous and her more confident that he is sincere AND at the same time if i came up to him and use these songs as evidence that he had indeed lied to me about her and those songs were the proof he could say that he was posting these songs publicly so thjat i could see them because they were for me..songs with mixed signals…so i didnt even once make him thye favor to confront him about these songs!!)..he told me straight away to meet with me so we did and sat in the cafeteria for 3 or more hours…of course nothing came out of this…the first thing he told me was that “Vicky if you hadnt sent that message we would still be together”..he neve accepted that he was with her he only said that he was so wrong about me, wo disapointed that i broke her heart and asked me to go by his house to show me the wardrobes…as a sign that he was indeed telling me the truth and she had left as he had told me….when i went he asked me to make me a cup of tea but because it ws after midnight and i was scared of him (even though at that point i so badly wanted to get back together with him) i didnt stay cause my mother was upset and wouldnt stop calling me..so i left after 5 minures..just checked the wardrobes…and then he said that cliche “i wish you a good life”
2 weeks later i found out that he was meeting her at her new house, telling her that he loves her and will wait on her ofrever to change her mind, that i was lying and organised a trip to London for the two of them!!!!
I was sooooo hurt!!! Called him and pretended that i wanted to get back together with him..told him: “now that you see why i sent her that message and that i know that u were true to me, i am able to forgive you as long as u forgive me too and go on with our relationship..you said that if i hadnt sent that mesage we would still be together..so i understand that you wish we would be together!!!” and he laughed and said: “Me to ask sorry from you??? No no you misunderstood me..i dodntwish we were back together..yoou take revenge..i dont like you” and i said: “well yeah..you’ve said that the situation u asked of me to endure sounded a bit crazy..therefore how can u excpect a normal reaction from me while i was forced to live an abnormal situation??”..and he said: “Where do you hear all these stupid things..and welll i found out things about you and i dont want to be with you…”…so after a while i vhanges the tone of my voice and told him :” ok..listen to me carefully you son of a bitch!! AND dont DARE to hang up the phone cause i have so many avidence of our relationship and i will send them to her and we will end up you in the prison and me murdered…therefore..shut the fuck up, shut you mouth up and you will only listen to me!!!!”..he was clearly shocked..he said “all this time u were asking me to get back together u were lying?”..and i said “of course you idiot!!! Why on earth would i want to get back together with a piece of shit like you..the only thing you have is your good looks..NOTHING ELSE…you even suck at sex!!!0”!p.s indeed he sucked at sex…he would lose his errection all the time..
P.s Some other details during these 4 months:
– he had told me that his girlfriend before this last one (meaning the one he was with from 20-23 years old) he was clearly USING her because she was a great student and she was giving him notes for the studies..she was ugly..he didnt fancy her at all and he hadn cheated on her countless times!! (at one point he was in a relationship with 3 women at the same time!!..and when i asked him why didnt he keep tha one he liked more he said “cause i wanted all of them)…but with the last girfriend of 11 years he (claimed) is a gentleman and never ever cheated on her..he had done these things as a young person but now he is a man and doesnt need to act this way..
– in the beginning he had told me they were together for 10 years..but when she came to the cafeteria she said about 11 years and when i asked him about it he said”dont u remember that i had told you that me and her had a disagreement about when our relationship started?? (which i didnt remember and till now not sure if he had ever told me this…anyways, the strange thing was that he had told me that when they had met she was with another guy and he stole her from him and that the first year of their relationship they had to keep it a secret because they were all going at the same school with his previous girl and because he is so sensitive he didnt want to break his exes heart..so him and the other girl were for 1 year undercover (he used that argument so that we can keep our relationship secret from fb..so that he doesnt add my fake account, or post pictures or even delete her…cause he wanted to protect her feelings…and therefore she had done it then, i should do the same thing)…from the years i add in my mind i have come to the conclusion that she was his affair for a year and that is why they kept it secret for a year..but even if that was the case i told him that she could accept it cause they were all meeting at the same room and she could see that you werent with your ex..but how could i trust him if i couldnt see him..meaning that not hurting her feelings was the reason to keep it a secret…and i also told him that when she asked you a year on you relationshipto stop talking to your ex you did it! But now that i ask you the same thing you dont! And he said..well she asked me a year later!! We’ve only been together for some months…Mind, that he has his previous ex on fb still!!!!
So that was our last interaction..last thing i told him was “if we ever step on each other on the road pretend that you didnt see me and i will do the same thing!!”…
My hurt was that he didnt try to woo me back while he was begging her (i dont know what was he telling her but how could she give him a chance again if he was poleading her…i couoldnt give a chance cause he never asked for one..or was it that he is making us feel bad so that we beg him back???)
After that one last phonecall i didnt contct him again EVER (i would check his fb page and 2 months later (on May) they both posted a picture of them in London and people telling them how cute they r etc.) for 9 months…
17th of December i saw him at the train station (first time after all these months)…i was shocked!My heart bit so fast!! I felt like i saw a celebrity!..i pretended i didnt see him…went in front of him and stood there waiting for the train..and he went into the same wagon with me..we didnt speak..he didnt approach me, i didnt approach him (we even avoided eye contact)…
Next day i emailed him and told him : “Last night i was there and saw you..i thought to come and say hello but wasnt sure if i wanted to, i didnt want to make you feel awkward, i wasnt sure if i was feeling still hostile towards you..today i thought about it and came to this conclusion..yes you screwed everything up, yes i despised you for a long time, until i met you i thought that i had heartbreaks but after your story i realised that i had no idea what it is actually to someone truly hurt you, yes i reacted as a human BUT i was feeling bad for they way i spoke to you on my last phone, for taking revenge, for trying to hurt you back so that you feel how it is to be hurt..no matter what you had done to me i shouldnt have reacted this way, i shouldnt answer back to you with hate..and why i came to this conclusion?? Because i dont know your life, your experiences, your wounds…and for these reasons i am not in a position to judge and condemn someone elses actions..Therefore, the only thing i can control and judge whether is right or wrong is myself and my actions..For all this, im asking sorry for my last phone call and i take back all the bad things i told you and with as most conscious heart as i can have i wish blessings to you and your family…p.s answering to meanness with meanness, the only thing it does is to multiply the hate and the wounds and it works like a virus that spreads and contaminates everyone that touches it and i dont want to participate in this never ending bad circle, and if i have participated, i want to fix it..sorry…”
and he answered me back: “Hello…that you for the wishes and i wish you the same…i am asking too sorry from you by the things i did that hurt you…believe me…this wasnt my intention..i didnt want this to happen..i wish you a happy life..”
His answer devastated me more..he showed that he is human..he asked sorry but he is completely going on with his life..he doesnt care…how can he so easily wish me a happy life while he wanted to live a happy life with me in it?? His answer showed me that he learned from his mistake, that i made him realise how stupid he was to ever risk loosing this woman and now he is a changed man that doesnt want me to ruin them ever again..that i made him realise that she is the one he wanted from the start!
Two weeks later (new years eve) i was speaking to a client of mine and talking about basketball and the team he is playing and asked him if he new my ex’s team..and he did..and asked me why was i asking and if i knew anyone from that team..and i said…well yeah..i know this man..he is my ex..and this guy then said..a ha!!!! Now i understand!!! Vicky, in the beginning of December my team was playing against his team (i didnt know who he was and at that time i couldnt understand why he was asking me these questions but now that you told me that you two were together i understand why..)…at some point he came close to my client (p.s my ex was coming to my shop A LOT and he great at remembering faces) and asked him whether he is from this neighborhoud and this guy said yes..
– and do you know all the netcafes in this area??
– Yeah i know most of them
– do you know battlenet?
-Yeah!! Of course..its like my second house!!
– Do you know the people that work there?
– Of course..i know Akis
– do you know a girld with BLACK SHORT hair (note that i am the only girl with black hair& also am the owner of the shop..it is me and a blond girl working for me BUT i have black LONG hair)?
– hM..NO…
– Do you know Electra? (the girld with the blond hair)
– Yeah i do know her!
– And what about the owner of the shop (in Greek when we use an adjective it is different when it is refering to a male or female..and he used the adjective refering to a MALE owner!!)
– Emm…i know him BUT he is gone for years..i know his sister though who is running the business..why?? do you know her???
– Its a big story!!! (and he left)
I was with a sociopath for over five years. He exhibited all the typical traits (however, I didn’t know it then). He lied about how his parents died, how old he was, told me he had a dog that was really his best friend’s dog (and even faked grief when the dog had to be put down), he said he had a car in another region (this was in Spain) and that he grew up in a different region of Spain (when he really grew up in the town where we met and lived). Those were just the lies that began the relationship. By the way, I didn’t find out the truth about any of these lies from him. His parents (really his aunt and uncle) told me after he decided to introduce them to me after we had been together for 2.5 years.
He loved bombed me. We were physical all the time and everywhere. He would write me several times a day and I was with him constantly. However, I realized early on there was a double standard- he had the right to completely disappear but if I didn’t answer my phone or texts he wanted to break up with me. He also had me confused about what he wanted. Sometimes he would be extremely loving and other times very annoyed. I felt like he wanted me to read his mind.
I also remember him staring at me excessively. It made me nervous but I just chalked it up to love and that he made me nervous because I liked him so much. But now I realize he was examining me. I couldn’t even hold a straight face sometimes because it was so unnerving. We, ironically, had a little joke about it.
One day early on in our relationship he locked me inside his house (the doors in Spain require a key to unlock them from the inside). I waited for him all day. His roommate came home first and was both surprised and bewildered at what had happened. He suggested we go get something to eat, so I went, thinking it was normal. When my boyfriend got off work he was furious that I had left the house and actually asked me how I got out.
He also kicked me out of his house a few times in the middle of the night. Each time we had been drinking and I said something that was too frank for his liking and he told me to leave. I had never dealt with someone like him before, I didn’t realize I had to speak to him differently than other people, I had to learn. Another time, I asked him to hold my wallet while I was trying to fish something out of my bag- without saying a word, he simply walked out of the shop and left. I didn’t even know what had happened until about 5 minutes later when he called me screaming about how I had talked to him like a slave.
Most of my birthdays were horrible with him. The first one, we got into a fight when we were out having drinks and due to that refused to go to my birthday dinner the next following day with my friends (he also couldn’t even write me a nice note or anything, I didn’t really expect a present since he was unemployed but I thought he might put a little thought into a note). The next year he was also recently unemployed, so again I didn’t expect anything but I thought he could write me a note or a card… nothing. On top of that, I suggested that we go out to a specific restaurant and I would pay. He told me that he didn’t want to go to that restaurant and if I was going there then he didn’t want to go. So that year he chose the restaurant and I paid. Then the year after that he had to have surgery and I spent my birthday and the days around it sleeping in a hospital chair next to his bed (because I loved him and wanted to be by his side).
He would regularly get mad or irritated with me and cause huge fights. Every time we fought he wanted to break up. Sometimes the fights would last days. Then he would all of a sudden change his mind and act like everything was fine. I usually felt traumatized. Every time he would pull this he would say, “I don’t want you anymore, you’re not the one that I chose anymore.”
It got to the point where I equated fighting with him to breaking up and emotional trauma; so I would walk on eggshells not to cause fights. I also wouldn’t confront him about his shady and suspicious behavior because I didn’t want to cause waves. Even though he would attack me and put me through hell if I went out with friends he didn’t like.
I also noticed early on that he would take advantage of situations to get what he wanted. He stole glasses from the restaurant where he worked. He would also steal produce from the supermarket. In Spain you weigh the produce yourself and put a sticker on the bag for the cashier to scan. He would weigh one tomato, print the sticker and then proceed to fill up the bag. He only got caught doing this once. He also would cheat when we were playing poker with our friends. He didn’t ALWAYS win but he did often. Finally, later in our relationship when he got a more serious job, he started stealing copper wire from his own construction sites, selling it and pocketing the money. He would then file false reports to the company stating it had been stolen.
Then there were all of the cases of infidelity. Once he got a job he had actually studied for, he first got hired for a company that sent him to live in Poland. While he was there he used internet dating websites to meet people and carried out several affairs. I found out about four girls- but I know there were more. One girl was genuinely hurt and said that he had simply disappeared from her life. While in Poland, he got a DUI (he drove drunk and continues to drive drunk all the time). Due to the DUI and crashing a mercedes rental car, he was fired from that job. When he left Poland because of it, he just left his messes there without a care in the world.
Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about his affairs in Poland until several months after he had returned to Spain. During that time, he had been unemployed and we had spent a lot of time together. We were really strong again as a couple (or so I thought); so I decided to give us a second chance.
All the while, he would fluctuate from being kind and generous to cold, distant and condescending. He told me once that I couldn’t disagree with opinions, that that’s not how opinions work (when I was disagreeing with him about something)!! I told him that I had a different understanding of the word opinion then and I disagreed with that as well.
After several months of being unemployed he got a new job. He was in Spain, in the beginning, but in a different region. I traveled every weekend to be with him and paid for it myself. He was extremely into shopping and we would go on all day shopping sprees to Barcelona. He knew I was spending my disposable income on visiting him but he didn’t offer to help nor did he ever offer to buy me anything. He would spend thousands of euros on himself and didn’t understand why I wasn’t having a good time.
In May of 2013 he was sent to work in Brazil. As you can imagine, I was devastated but he assured me that we would make it work and that I would go visit him and he would come home regularly. We also decided that year to get pareja de hecho, which is like a civil union, and move into an apartment together. All seemed like it was coming together, slowly and with the distance in the way, but it felt like we were making progress and that eventually we would be together.
The following year his company offered to expatriate him and I could go with him to live in Brazil. I was over the moon, all the waiting and hoping looked like it was finally going to come to an end. Sure, he was difficult to deal with but that was just the distance, right? It was just the tension from being apart… I thought this was going to change everything.
Little did I know that around Christmas 2014 he began internet dating again. I could see that he started treating me differently. He started disappearing again. He would be difficult to get on the phone. He would call and say, “I love you and miss you. You’re the most important thing in my life. I wish you were here.” Then I would start to talk and tell him about my day and ask him questions and he would say, “I have to go now, baby. Meeting the guys for dinner and I have to shower. Talk to you later.” He usually wouldn’t call again. I would sometimes get a few texts throughout the night but other times nothing.
I became very suspicious of him. He started taking several selfies everyday. He wouldn’t leave his phone in the room with me alone. He would turn his phone upside down so I couldn’t see what messages were coming in. He became extremely anxious and was always moving and wanted to wake up early on my days off to get ready to do nothing. It was really weird. He wouldn’t talk to me about his feelings or what he was thinking- ever. Yet, he was obsessed with what I was thinking and feeling, constantly. It became exhausting because if I wasn’t sitting and watching TV or riding in the car with a smile on my face he assumed I was sad, angry or unsatisfied. He would press me about why I was making a certain face that I didn’t even realize I was making.
Nonetheless, we went ahead and left our apartment in Spain, packed up the furniture and other knick-knacks that we weren’t taking to Brazil and put them into a storage unit. We decided to go to the USA after that so that he could finally meet my family and see where I was from. Btw, NO, he had never been to see where I was from and meet my family, even though he was invited every year.
Around this time we also started seriously talking about getting married. He said in the USA we would look at wedding rings. We never did and any time I brought it up he would say, “What are you trying to tell me,” as if that needed further explanation.
After our trip in the USA, he suggested that I stay longer to spend time with my family. I thought it was a good idea since for the last six years I had only gone home once a year for a couple of weeks at a time. However, he started dragging his feet about finally bringing me to Brazil. He kept making up excuses to keep me in the USA. I ended up staying for almost two extra months.
By the time I got to Brazil, we already had another trip planned to go to Spain that was only 10 days away. During those 10 days we moved into “our” apartment that I had helped him pick out virtually on the internet. I had been to Brazil many times before to visit him but it felt strange saying that I lived there when I was staying less time than previous trips I had taken.
We went to Spain and the purpose of the trip was to get our residency visas. Of course, his was ready first and he left me in Spain, at his parents house. I stayed there an extra 3.5 weeks waiting for my visa. It was actually ready before that but he had his company purchase me a ticket further out, just in case.
That time I was in Brazil for only 2 days! One of those days we went to get my residency card. The next day we flew to the USA to spend Christmas with my family. Yet again, he went on massive shopping sprees and didn’t offer me a thing. This time I was unemployed and I was because he had wanted me to move to Brazil. I told him a few things I would like for Christmas but instead he gave me money, 500 euros, so I could have “freedom” during our new life in Brazil. He actually said to me, “don’t spend this on one of those things you told me that you want.”
This time, again, he left before me and kept me in the USA three weeks longer. When it came close to when I was supposed to fly to Brazil, finally to live, he extended my “trip” by 10 more days. I was frustrated and devastated. He made up lies to explain why it was better for me that way; the same as before.
When I finally got to Brazil everything seemed great. I started to settle into the house and we had a mini vacation planned for Carnival. Originally he had promised we would go to Rio but in the end decided to go to a quieter, cheaper place that was more like a paradise (the real reason for this will come out later). On our first day of vacation he all of a sudden started acting visibly anxious. I kept asking him what was wrong but he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. Finally, he started saying that he wanted me to be more independent and to have my own life! I had only been there 2 days!! I hadn’t even really been with him that much in the months prior to that because he had me waiting in the USA then Spain and then the USA again.
He made up this huge story that he wanted me to pursue my dreams and it was impossible for me to do that following him around. I was beside myself. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. He wouldn’t even come out and say what he wanted because he was trying to manipulate me into volunteering to leave and go to either Spain or the USA. I told him that I knew that he was trying to manipulate me into thinking it was my decison and he said, “that’s why I love you, you’re so smart, that’s not what’s happening- but maybe you have given us an answer.”
He told his parents and sister the same lie. He said it was going to be better for us in the long run and we could do the long distance again since we had done it before. This was someone I had quit my job for, moved to another continent for, and waited more than six months to get to this point. I was furious. I was angry he even had me get on the airplane.
He then bought me an airplane ticket to go back to the USA the coming Friday. Less than a week after I had arrived. You have to also understand that I never planned on going back to the USA, ever. I had been living in Europe for more than 6 years. I didn’t have a house, a car, a plan, nothing- and the worst part was, I told him that and he didn’t care. He said the sooner I start my life, the better for the two of us and for our relationship. He even said that he would plan on moving to the USA to work within the year.
In the days before leaving, he flip flopped between me staying and me going. One minute it was one decision, the next the opposite. Finally, Friday rolled around and I left. Something told me it was what I needed to do. That was the worst travel day of my life. Alone, four giant suitcases with a stopover in Mexico City. I cried the entire way, people must have thought I was nuts.
As soon as I got to the USA, he wanted me to come back. But there was something that didn’t add up about his story. I knew he was cheating and he wouldn’t admit to it. There had actually been clues along the way, a girl calling him but he claimed it was his boss- totally wasn’t. Lipstick on the neck of one of his polos (yes, that cliche). A girl with the same name as the one who had called, liked all of his instagram pics from California, and she was in Sao Paulo, Brazil. He also told me a story when I first arrived at the apartment that he thought the cleaning lady was using our shower and that would explain any long, curly, dark hairs I may find….
I confronted him about it when he came up with this story and his reasoning for sending me home. I pulled up her instagram and asked if she was why I had to leave. He told me he had never seen that girl before and even said that she looked manly. But when I said that it wouldn’t do any harm if I messaged her he freaked out and kept saying I shouldn’t because I don’t want to look like I’m crazy. hahaha
Well after I got back to the USA, I did a little investigation on his icloud. There were no pictures of her but there were screen shots of reservations in her name. He had gone on vacation with her while I was at his parent’s house in Spain. He made me wait extra time and used his parents to get what he wanted! Then less than three days later he was with my family in California celebrating Christmas with us.
I messaged the girl and she told me everything I didn’t want to hear. She had a key to my apartment, he had told her that we had broken up and he even told her that I would show up places uninvited. He admitted to her that I had been in Brazil for Carnival but I went there without his previous knowledge and then I followed him and a friend to the town where he took me for vacation (just to clarify no one went with us on vacation). I also found out that he gave her a Christmas present, a bottle of the same perfume that I wear and chocolates my mom had given ME for christmas in my stocking. Yes, he took my Christmas stocking chocolates and then gave them to his Brazilian girlfriend.
Of course, she was probably lied to as well but it was difficult to believe either of them because she did lie about some times she was with him because I was actually with him on those dates.
After the shit hit the fan, he actually bought me an airplane ticket to go back to Brazil for the following day. I couldn’t in good conscience go. I just couldn’t manage to get on the airplane. I felt so betrayed.
Now, a part of me still wants him back. We are still in communication but usually it just makes me frustrated to talk to him. I feel like he isn’t giving me what I want or need and he doesn’t even try to. Since I didn’t get on the airplane to go back he has been rather cold to me and doesn’t want to talk about what happened anymore at all. Even though we aren’t a couple, he still wants to bullshit about little things but I’m devastated and this event is painting my world, everyday. It’s impossible to not talk and think about it.
Starting three days after I found out about the girlfriend, he started asking me when I was going to forget about this and move on. That this wasn’t fair to him. THIS WASN’T FAIR TO HIM???????? Since then he has also told me how free he feels now the truth is out and everyone knows, he feels good. Oh and that he has learned so much from this situation that he will know how to treat his next girlfriend like a real princess.
His family now knows the truth and they are furious with him. My family hates him and feels used. He started talking to this girl on Tinder way back in last May; before he even came to meet my family for the first time. My aunt and best friend are telling me that he’s a textbook sociopath- but a part of me just can’t break away.
Sorry this entry is so long. There is even more to the story but I didn’t think it needed to be a book. I just wanted to make sure it is clear that he definitely is a sociopath and not just a philanderer.
Thank you positivagirl. I just want to make sure if that he was really a sociopath…sometimes I second guess myself, like always with him. It’s really hard and I feel like I lost my whole life. I had to move to another country, I’m looking for a new job and I’m almost 31 and livin with my dad.
I broke no contact today, just to be severely ignored. I called and emailed… No answer, no reply. Why are they so cold and hurtful?! I’ll go back to no contact. It’s like I never existed or mattered to him p I just really miss him!!!
CindyT, I think it’s their system of control. You were never nothing to him. You are someone, not only to him but to a lot of people. I understand your pain, completely. He is missing a very human component in life and instead of trying to obtain closure, for me, I try to focus on that part. He is missing out on something that all of us here feel and is integral to any relationship. He missed the best in you and anyone else he ever meets- because he’s missing part of himself.
Ugh and now you know why the nc rule is there? Never mind it is like taking a cigarette when you had quit. You might feel disappointed in yourself but don’t dwell on it. Get back up and keep going. You feeling bad is what he intends for you to feel. You can do this and read the post ‘how to get your feelings out without breaking no contact’
Yes, it was like ” falling off the wagon” bi called and emailed him excessedly!! With everyone hoping he would answer or reply but deep down knowing that he won’t. I’m sure it gave him a huge ego boost!!! I’m realizing that it’s a part of a game. Friday night he emailed me stating that he deleted my number from his phone, if I wanted to talk/text I need to send it, I sent my number via email on Sunday I think. No communication from him. I started emailing him Sunday night, then Monday morning. I quickly became frustrated, then hurt and angry because he wouldn’t reply. Why tell me to send you my number? I get it… It’s a game. Since I had already broken ” no contact” I decided to express everything that I wanted to say to him. Of course he’s read that and ignored it. My ex used to briefly give me the silent treatment when things went bad, but he would always give in. This time is different… And I’m sure it’s because he’s fully moved on with someone else. It hurts. I was desperately in love with him and genuinely cared about him. He wasn’t abusive like some of these stories that I’ve read. He was actually very sweet and seemed caring. He frequently told me that he cared about me., although the words often didn’t match the actions. I miss what we had ( or I thought we had ). I miss that magical feeling that I got when I was with him or communicating with him. I don’t miss the lies, deceit and broken promises. I’m chalking it up to a temporary set back, I’m not as vulnerable as I was. I will press on. Good days and bad ones.
Does anyone else look at some of these stories and think “why did they put up with that?” Then realise we did it ourselves. Why is it so easy to see the logic in someone elses story but not your own 😦
Because there isn’t the emotional attachment. It is the emotional attachment that makes us easier to manipulate. They are clever. In the beginning they didn’t show their worst side. Otherwise unless you were desperate you would have kicked them to the kerb. Instead they be the person you have spent all of your life looking for. Then you give it a bit more time, think it is just a temporary bad thing, think you will get over this, think that we can sort this out, think this is just a run of bad luck. As you saw good before right?
I totally agree, my ex wasn’t only abusive and a liar. He did follow through with some promises. We got a civil union, moved into an apartment and went on many, many wonderful trips together. He was also very different in the beginning, gave me massages, pedicures, did special things for me and wrote handwritten love notes. He just started doing those things less and less. He also started criticizing, even during high points in the relationship and would pepper the conversation with crazy. I always thought it would change and we would go back to the honeymoon days. Sometimes we did, but not for good. I’m sure all of you have had the same type of experience; a roller coaster relationship.
Yes absolutely Morgan!
It’s not logical to be with these people. Yet we can all stumble into their web & feel their ‘pain’. I endured two years of manipulation, the beginning was perfect, then it was boring ultimately abusive. I encountered a second one recently, I went for one dinner with him & he began to argue with me about us having a relationship. When I said no “you are not a bit pushy” he spoke to me for over an hour until I agreed he wasn’t pushy. He then psychoanalysed me and told me I must be insecure. I agreed and everything he said & that was that. My detector is working really well since my horror story and there is never a benefit of doubt these days.
That’s all we can really do, learn! I love how you recognized it so quickly. I’m not kidding, it seems like over half of the new people I meet are like this. It’s scary.
I had to Re read that post to see if it was one of mine :)) I keep breaking nc but now I seem to be a bit stronger.
I’m with you – I just literally cannot get how they can say the most amazing things and, for me, be there every day for 5 years!!! And then turn around and treat me like I’m a leper!!! It’s so hurtful!!!!
But stay strong. It honestly gets better but you have to accept that they are mentally unstable and the things they said (whst we think was the ‘real them ‘ was actually their best performance
I can’t seem to get over that sociopath didn’t want to spend any real quality time with me. He lied every weekend, for 9 months. Elaborate lies. I just don’t understand. We were together a lot, mostly sleepovers. Please someone explain to me why? I feel like ” what did he think was wrong with me”? 😞 During the discard he apologized for hurting me and admitted he lied to me for months… But he didn’t spend time with me because he didn’t want to.
I am sorry to have to say this but, he was using you. Had he wanted to invest time in you he would have but not because he really cared. It’s all so sad and unnecessary to healthy people because we value people and their feelings but, sociopaths don’t value anyone and, they don’t really care if they hurt you because they don’t feel emotional pain and they don’t fully grasp the damage they do and don’t really give a care anyway.
It’s not us, it’s them. They aren’t stable. I lost 5 yrs of my life only to find out he Waa on dating sites and I was calling him a wrong name as he lied from the very first day
I feel like I will never recover from this. Why keep me around for 9 months for sex? While telling me everyday that he cared? I just don’t understand. I’m beautiful, intelligent, great personality, etc. what did he find wrong with me that he didn’t want to give me his time other than sex?!
It isn’t you or any reflection on you. They do the same to everybody. They use people. .they do this to every person that they meet. Lie to them about them and use them for their own benefit. This isn’t you or your fault.
It’s so hard to really understand this, but it has nothing to do with you. A normal person will meet you, either like you enough for a rship, or not like you that way and will not bait you like that
These aren’t normal people!!!
They use others, they enjoy the game, they lie UNCONTROLLABLY!!
It’s not ypu or anything lacking in you.
The prettier, more intelligent, spiritual, the better. They are about ruining lives and if they perceive you are better than them, and you are, they are going to break you. They are full of envy, anger and all things evil. Try to be grateful he’s gone. Believe me I have felt as you do and to a certain extent still feel bad…how could he discard me as he did? Easily as he does not care period for anyone. The new girl toy in his life will get the same OR worse. I think they get worse with every victim. You will feel better one day but it will take time. He did not deserve you.
I think you are right Julie, I think that they do get worse with each victim. I spoke to 2 before me. Then I knew of 2 after me. They get no better over time.
They are so fragmented from portraying so many false personalities that sooner or later they fall apart. I witnessed mine demonstrating more and more mental illness and , self medicating with alcohol. I expect him to completely melt down before he is through. It’s a scary thought as to what he might be capable of doing…
Dating a Sociopath 
Thanks Nomoreinsanity. I understand no contact is the way to go, and have changed my mobile number twice now, as well as my daughters (after he posed as a policeman and rang my daughter and got my new number off her). So atm he doesn’t know my new mobile, my new work landline number or my new address. He has is very persistent, stalker-like, and often my crazy mind sees this as – “gee he really must love me, if he goes to these lengths”. I have blocked him on Facebook, Kik, MyFitnessPal, Google+, however he continually create new profiles (aliases). Also at my weak times I miss his messages, so I am actively looking in my email inbox, or checking Facebook messages to see if he’s sent me a new message (as another alias). But I’m simply addicted, lonely and get reeled in. It’s a fine balance as people say get off Facebook, or deactivate. But how much of my life do I have to surrender. I enjoy Facebook and its a way for me to keep in touch with my friends (back home) now that I have moved to the city and am alone.
Absolutely. Good luck. Hope he doesn’t show up at the airport. That would be disgusting. What a creep.
Hi making it out. I’m also in Australia. Saying hi:) stay strong
Hi joelene, whereabouts in Aust are you?
Nsw
Hi lana, he’s in rehab for alcohol, but funnily enough I don’t believe he is a true alcoholic. He’s playing the victim again, or in there to look good for upcoming court appearance as he voluntarily admitted himself. He’s been in rehab before, knows the entire system inside out, Valium to detox etc. He’a tried to convince me that alcoholism is his problem. But he has shown his sociopath side sober, even now in rehab, where they are tested each day. I once went to an AA meeting with him and he stood up and told his convincing story, and accepted he was an alcoholic blah blah blah. I was so proud that day, but that was the only meeting he went to & it was all lies. I think he uses alcohol to self medicate and yea when I left him he did hit the bottle every day which only fuelled his sociopath behaviour, agreession and manipulation more. His parents think rehab is the answer also. But he has been there before – ordered by court though. At the moment he’s unable to contact me as they are only allowed their phones a few hours a day and he doesn’t have my new number and I’ve blocked him on Facebook messenger. Although it still doesn’t stop me wanting to call him, hear his voice, make contact. Arggh. I think about him every morning when I wake and when I go to bed. But day 2 and staying strong thanks to the support here and keeping myself busy. Thanks again xxx
Is there ever any legal recourse….Since this is emotional crime (stealing hearts, trust, and money), what can be done when you the target is agonizing on the new truth and want to first understand with the SP, get angry by reaching out via email, phone, etc, and then become what the SP calls a threat or harasser? What if any is a legal recourse.. The crime started with the SP and now the SP is stating you are harassing?
That’s a great question, I’d like to know also. Does any of the deceptive and manipulative actions constitute fraud in some way?
Yes often brian but try proving it! They are pathological liars, and love to frame you! 😦
Hello, it has just recently came to my attention that I may have been dating a sociopath. It’s been very hard for me to come to terms with this, and I’m not sure if that’s what it really is, or just an assumption I’m having.
I’m a female who is bisexual. I started dating this girl about 2 years ago, who claimed to be completely homosexual and was very admimate about this. When we started dating she seemed to be almost obsessive about me, like I was her property. I wasn’t allowed hanging out with my bestfriends or even family because that took away from her attention. At first, this scared me..but then in a sense I thought it was kind of cute that she wanted my undying attention.
She always wanted to know everything about me..yet when I asked her about her life she became distant and gave short responses. She literally started to obsess about everything I would do and kind of copy me in a sense. Throughout the relationship she was very sweet..she would do pretty typical things, like buy me flowers for no reason, make me heart shaped pancakes, take me on dates, write cute notes..she never seemed to lose interest in me like that even at the end of our relationship.
Then, what I thought was to be unthinkable, happened. She managed to get a job where I worked and met a guy there..one day out of the clear blue she said she was leaving me for him. At the time I had really no where to live but with her( my family kind of disowned me because she was ignorant to me.) she then became a totally different person. She was just overprotective and pushy before, but now she completely lacked empathy. I had done nothing wrong for her to want to leave me for this guy, so yes, I was distraught. I mean literally the day after we broke up she texted me saying she gave this guy oral and loved it, knowing I was heartbroken. She continued to contact me.every.single.day. And when I didn’t get ahold of her she would freak.
After being broke up for several months, she still remained to contact me everyday..telling me to “wait” for her. She would fill my head with all of this bull about still being in love with me and to not talk to anyone else. She said if I talked to anyone else besides her, she would quit talking to me, because I was “hers.”
That guy ended up using her for sex and was abusive towards her. So of course she called me up trying to reconcile with me. She said she was “sorry for what she did” which is very rare for her because she doesn’t apologize. She bought me flowers and started taking me out on dates again. We even got intimate once again. Then just like that, she met someone else again..so the very next day after we slept together, she had another person. It was like Jekyll and Hyde…she became very rude to me again, yet would still contact me every day. It was almost like she knew to keep that old nice persona around to lure me in so I could be tortured by her cruel hearted one.
Months went by and still, she would invite me over to sleep with me and tell me that it meant something. It didn’t. After I would leave, the mean persona would come out and she would act as if I were crazy for ever believing her. She has blocked my phone number, which I found to be okay for me, but then contact me off of someone else’s phone. If I don’t reply to her, she gets mad.. So I said okay, we will be friends.But if I tell her about anything going on in my love life I’m trying to start again..she gets pissed and says she’s going to file a restraining order on me or go and beat up that other person..because I am “hers.”
I’m very confused and I really could use some advice. She says she doesn’t want me but then makes up these lies so I’ll stay around her. I don’t know what is mentally wrong with her. She wants to have control over me..which in a way she still does because she knows she could do anything to me and I’d still love her. Please respond..I’m at wits end on what I should do her 😞
I’m no expert, but I’ve experienced loving an SP and know how that back and forth is crazy making. I would bet you’re a bit addicted to the feeling you get when she’s in her nice phase. You are so past that already though–I can tell by what you write. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but going no contact is really the only thing that will give you relief. Maybe not right away, but in the future. Otherwise the pain will continue, continue and, worst of all, get worse. You do not “owe” this person anything. I feel for you and am wishing you the best.
And it has been pretty much driving me crazy. It was making me very depressed, almost to the point where I had suicidal thoughts. I just couldn’t believe someone who I thought was my soulmate would do this to me. I didn’t really see the signs while we were together -not ever really smiling, not crying to things that most people would cry to, complete lack of respect for her family) all of these things were shielded by her telling/doing nice things for me.
My friends and family are very concerned that she might hurt me emotionally and physically. One night she wrestled me down to see if I was talking to someone new on my phone. I had bruises all over and I broke my toe, she told people that I was the one who hurt her (LIE) she didn’t even have a mark on her, I didn’t even touch her.
She messaged me today and was very ignorant..I told her that she needed to go to counseling because of her anger and lack of empathy for anyone. I told her she seemed to be a sociopath..she then said that she had already been to counseling multiple times since she was younger and it didn’t help. She never argued the fact that she was probably a sociopath..and to be honest, that was odd because she loves to argue. I think she knows..I know kind of feel bad for despising her so much because something is seriously mentally wrong with her. I can’t believe she would never tell me about any of this..well unless that’s a lie too.
I really have been trying not to talk to her, when she texts I send her short replies..I can sense she’s trying to dig and remain to have control over me.In a sense I did become addicted to the sweet side of her..but I’m realizing that it was all a facade now. It was all fake. I’m just pretty hurt that I let myself believe it all and I don’t want it to be fake. It seemed so real..she said it wasn’t my fault that she’s always ignorant to me. She never explains anything and told me to ” stop trying to figure It all out.” Thank you for your words. I’m glad there are other people out there to reassure that I’m not alone.
Hi I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s gut wrenching when the person you loved and thought was the real one turns out to be a liar.
I’m 5 mths out and just lately plagued by ‘how could he go from 100 to 0 in a day???? ‘
I also want yo stay friends (4.5 years of seeing him daily is hard to break). But I also know that ‘frienfship ‘ with him means looking him in the face as he pours out lie after lie. And knowing that while he said goodmorning and goodnight every day (and 20 texts) in between… He was also on dating sites chasing others!!!
So why do I still want this????
I agree. Loving the person and being addicted to the initial (nice phase) highs is very hard!!! And completely intertwines.
You are with friends now xxx
Yes!!
Well this sounds somewhat like my story so I think you are correct in assuming so.
@ Lisa strausser
Yes I think I assumed right as well. She had always gave me bits and pieces of her past, but it all never seemed to add up. She told me that when she was younger they had put her in special education for no particular reason..she said she had no idea why,which I found to be odd.She’s not a slow girl by any means, just when it comes to her emotions..she has none. She never told me she had been to counseling for anything and now that I told her that she was a sociopath all of this hidden shit has been coming up. She still has not denied being one, like I said is odd because she’s an argumentative person. All she knows is rage,anger and lust
Her family would call her the drill sergeant and I never knew why till I got that the person she was to me was completely fake. I’m sorry you have had the same problems as me, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. I feel terrible that I ever let myself fall into such things..but as a victim you rarely ever know what’s going on, we actually have feelings and concern about others. This experience has certainly made me not want to trust many people.
I have just separated from a sociopath who I lived with for 5 years. The emotions are unbearable and being made even worse by the fact that he keeps contacting my family (who I am currently living with) both directly, and indirectly through his own family members. I keep blocking numbers but he just rings from a new number or tries to make contact via a different medium. He has even tried to turn my own sister against me. My family are being very supportive but do not fully Understand what I am going through. How do I get totally rid of this monster from my life? Unfortunately, we’re married… 😞
@pookie
I know it’s difficult, I wasn’t married to mine, but it can catch the concept of how you are feeling. I’m trying to slowly deplete them from my life. It seems that if you are abrupt with them, they feel less sense of security that whatever they are using you for is going to suddenly disappear. I don’t talk to them over the phone, If I do, I’ll be pulled in again. Try suttle yet discrete text message and or email..very short and to the point. Mine feeds off of my emotions and loves to stir havoc. Now that I’ve been sending short texts they have been slowly dying off because I have no emotions to feed them.hopefully they will eventually just go away. I wish I knew a counselor to go to as well, I hope you find one to help you. I’m glad you’ve decided to let go, it’s very difficult..believe me, I know.
I have just separated from my husband of three years; we lived together for 5 years. I have just discovered he is a sociopath…I feel so stupid – I’m a Psychologist! I wondered if anyone had any advice on how I should go about the divorce? And does anyone know how I can find a counsellor/therapist with experience in this area (i.e. a counsellor who understands the emotional issues involved when finding out that one’s partner/spouse is a sociopath)?
@Pookie – please don’t feel stupid – you’re not! The whole point of these SP’s is that they are incredibly plausible and manipulative. I became more aware of the behaviour of mine when I studied counselling and psychology, until then I had believed so much for more than twenty years. I, too, would love to see a counsellor who was aware of the special unhappiness caused by being absorbed by a sociopath. I am sometimes afraid of becoming obsessed by the effect that mine had on my life, even though he’s now dead. I cannot understand why he swept me up in the way that he did, and why I believed him for so long.
So @Blackdahlia I fully understand your dilemma and how you fluctuate between emotions. It’s so hard to move on, because your self confidence has been totally undermined. It’s hard to trust your own instincts any more, hard to trust anyone.
No contact is the best way, though incredibly tough, because a SP will use any opening to control and win you over even for a short time. Think of yourself as prey – they swoop down on you in order to feed on you. They feed on your insecurities. They appear to give you what you need and desire. But they don’t do that – they only talk about it. If a sociopath swears undying love for you, it may feel true, because in a way it is – THEY LOVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM.
Pathological lying is very hard for any normal person to comprehend, lack of true feeling and emotion is also hard to comprehend. A sociopath is like a robot, programmed to survive, using their prey to do just that. Mine wrote to me that he wished he was a vampire and could feed from me – that’s exactly what he did! I think he must have got a thrill from telling me what he was doing whilst I was carried away by the romance of his sentiments.
Good Luck with your struggles, please take strength from our shared experiences. You are strong and lovely, that is why you were prey. Lana x
@lanalana5
It will be very very hard. I’m seriously so glad I found this website, by reading some of these posts I feel like people finally understand what I’m going through. It makes me not talking to her barable.None of my friends and family understand it.. And what’s messed up is she’s telling people that I’m the screwed up one that won’t leave her alone..
if I don’t contact her she freaks the f*ck out and blows my phone and Social media up. She has seriously taken my mind and heart through a complete whirlwind.
My mother had told me to leave her since I started dating her. The thing she preyed on was my money and inference. I’m 25 and had a very good job and my own place, she lived at her parents. When we started dating she would not leave and just ended up slowly bringing her shit over over time. She gave me 60 dollars in the entire year or so she lived with me.Once she made me quit my job after working at the same place with me (because I got her a job) she wanted nothing to do with me.she found someone we worked with. I didn’t have that great job anymore for her to leech off of.
Thank you for your words..I’d like to think I’m a pretty decent person and I care a lot about people. I’ve just never been treated this way and am very confused still.
@Blackdaliah.
Mine had been financially exploiting me and my family for years but he did it so subtly… It was only when I started being assertive with him towards the end (in terms of trying to get him to pay his way) that his true – Ie sociopathic – personality came through. And then, when I left him, he started telling people that I was mentally ill. He has tried to turn my own family against me but thankfully they do now understand (I think) that he is a sociopath. I feel violated too but it’s important to remember that we have been chosen by these parasites BECAUSE we are decent, honest, kind people. I cannot trust anyone anymore but perhaps that’s a good thing. If you seek counselling, try to find a counsellor who understands / ideally has had experience of being victimised by a sociopath otherwise you could end up feeling worse .
Absolutely I am hesitant on my own judgement even. Struggled with how could I not see this for 9 years.Mine had no friends or family which were huge red flags that I did not realize to now.She made my friends and family hers and in the end tried to take all of them and turn them on me.i truly thought I was losing my mind thru this and I was the stable confident strong willed woman when we met, she surely sucked the life out of me.
Absolutely lisa!!
I felt very stupid after I the realisation of ex hit home – how could I, a sensible women with a great career and my own home be taken it like this?! It’s taken me a while to realise that it’s because I am a normal person who takes people at face value, that’s what humans do. My ex and indeed all sociopaths remind me of the TV series V, sociopaths look human but underneath they are aliens. Soulless husks. This sounds harsh but it’s true. Never ever think you can reason with a SP or be friends in the future. They hate us, we exposed them and didn’t carry on with their game. They were never in love with us but not because we had a fault just because they are incapable. My ex told me his mother died and described the funeral is such detail accompanied by hysterical sobbing that nobody would have thought he was lying. He was his mother is alive and well. If somebody can make up shit like that what chance did we ever have of a normal relationship? I’m still not 100% I’m still suffering from severe anxiety and if I’m spoken to abruptly by a man I start freaking out. One thing I do know is that the No Contact works. I feel stronger not listening to his bs or reading his bike text messages. These people are amazing actors and manipulators. My ex almost convinced the police that I was the one who wanted him back! They only began to believe me when he stood outside my front door and began screaming that I was a whore and going to get what was coming to me: a neighbour came out and reported it to the police. Record all incidents, get a harrassmeny order, etc but most importantly NEVER RESPOND to the SP.
@ sooverhim, my sociopath has told me tales of his dad with prostate cancer, 2 strokes, 2 blood clots, emergency surgeries etc. all within a 8 month period. He told me that he was taking care of his dad financially and needed my help. I was giving him money and not spending much time with him due to him frequently visiting his dad. In January I discovered that his dad has been dead since 2008!!! Psycho!!!!
Yes I had to block all email and text and social media. Then I had to block work phone numbers. Then blocked numbers were showing up on my phone, I would not answer them .Within less than 30 days she married new victim and moved her in down the street. , so they are neighbors now so to speak. Unbelievable journey I am at 60 days NC and counting. God bless my broken road!
OMG…. she got married within 30 days jeeze they have NO shame and will be with just about ANYONE 😦
I watched a video from the archive list above about research on the type of woman (it’s mainly women) who are targeted by SPs. Without of course realising that they are SPs. It was amazing, they are intelligent women with four main characteristics.
1. A high degree of empathy.
2. A trusting personality.
3. Very emotional.
4. Inclined to be very loyal, even after they’ve been treated badly.
I think these characteristics appear amongst us all here. We struggle to understand how someone we thought we loved and trusted could turn out to be so false and so destructive.
Positivagirl has made a fantastic website here, I have found it so helpful, and continue to be enlightened by the information in the archives. Also, hearing everyone else’s stories, although heart rending, helps to make me feel stronger because I know I’m not alone. If it wasn’t for this I might have believed that my psychology was wrong, and that I was blinded by vanity or a desperate need to be loved, blinded in a way that was unnatural, now I know that it’s not me.
@Blackdahlia, you may struggle to comprehend how this girl could treat you this way, that’s because you are emotionally intelligent, but these people have no emotion so they can do ANYTHING and walk away. If you didn’t feel, you would be a robot like them. Our sensitivity is our strength.
Gosh that is all so true. I weakened again today (can’t get 30 days nc!!) I am the one who texts him…. And he ignores me. I want to write and say why.. You said we could stay friends, you said I did nothing wrong. So why the silent treatment???
But thus man lied about his name!! For 5 yrs! he doesn’t even know why he’s giving me the silent treatment – It’s because I was no longer his source of trust and fantasy… I found out his lies. If I call him out on the silent treatment- sure he may feel bad and appear friendly. But then he’d resent me..even further. And need to reclaim control by ignoring me again.
So I’ll brush myself off and start nc again. I want to get to a month. Hopefully I’ll feel better and can really accept that he’s unbalanced and a true sp. I meant nothing to him other than a blank canvas for his latest storyboard. Once it was painted over…. He simply needed a new canvas.
He ignores you because he can. Also, he might use this for triangulation purposes to tell other people (his new source) how you are obsessed with him, and cant leave him alone – look she contacted me again and I haven’t contaccted him. Write the email BUT DO NOT SEND just for today. You have done 30 days you can continue and do 60…. 90 …. and on. but just take it one day at a time,
@Joelene, “Ignoring” you is further proof that this person is a sociopath. They don’t care if you’re hurting or missing them. They take pleasure in your weakness and the control they still have over you every time you break down and call or text. They use these opportunities to make you look like a crazy stalker who can’t let them go and tell people “if I’m such a bad person, why does she keep texting me?” It feeds their ego. They will never become the loyal caring person you thought they were once before. Consider yourself lucky that he’s not obsessing over you and trying to destroy your life, like so many others. You are lucky he’s moved on. Don’t keep giving your power away. You need it to heal and get your life back together.
Funny how talking about all this and expressing on yesterday’s post NC and blocking everything from our side. I received a email today from my ex I will not open it but can read the first line. It says” I ve been trying to call you not because I want anything from”.So the blocked calls I was getting were from her by admission .Sometimes it’s just as hard whether we do this or them.Trying to be positive and move forward.
Ugh…. and you just know that first line NOT BECAUSE I WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU…. is a total lie. I bet you were tempted to read the rest….. but you know it would say the same old same old…. that they always say. How are you? Are you ok? Just to let you know am always there if you need me? I am not some monster that you think I am.. I do care about you and want you to be happy…… I always struggled with no contact – big time. It always hurt me, and set me back – big time!!
YES! Mine is emailing me every day and he always starts along those lines “Hope you’re okay..” I have not responded to a single phone call, text or email from him since we separated. But I do open his emails because every single one further validates my suspicion that he is a sociopath (as opposed to a non-dysfunctional abuser who has the potential to change) and this in turn reassures me that I have done absolutely the right thing by leaving him. I can tell, by reading between the lines of his emails, that he is starting to realise that he is losing his control over me. NO CONTACT is definitely the way to go – I am the one in control now!
Yes you are the one in control
Omg everyday I would be besides myself. I will not reply either or answer any blocked calls which my ex admits to being the one doing it.wonder how long till it goes away they tire out or maybe become the focus of the new victim .
@positivagirl : Thank you 😊 This site has been a godsend…
@Lisa. Hoping he finds a new wealthy woman SOON! Yes, your ex will become tired if you stick to NC. My SP husband phoned my family tonight saying he was concerned about me.. He’s heard I’m under the Doctor. But this has made my day: my sister saw right through his mask in that message! She knows/can tell he doesn’t give a s#!t about me. This is a massive result😀
Sociopaths need to be hit HARD! They do not understand the concept of respect. I sent a professional email to him today saying that if he or his family tried to contact me or my family again, this matter would be passed on to my Solicitor. He replied ‘OK’ (Lol). Shame I have lost a great friend in my sis-in-law, but you have to do whatever it takes to look after yourself and move on!
My question is how do I try and move on with my life, not be so effected by him and what he says/does when we have children together??? I left him 8 months ago. When I think about it, it depresses me to my core that he will be in my life, to some capacity, for the rest of my life.
How do I move on with my life when the SP is still a part of it??? I don’t know what to do anymore and feel hopeless about the situation…
You can only treat him as a business transaction and continue with closing down your emotions. Make any contact only about the children and nothing else. It isn’t forever they will grow up and see for themselves one day.
I just got out of 10 month relationship with a sociopath. Initially he was charming, sweet, attentive, affectionate and funny. He’s physically attractive and seemed really confident which was very sexy to me. Although we had known each other casually from work things went quickly when we decided to start a romantic relationship. This man swept me off my feet in no time and I was in love within a month!! He consumed my every thought… Because as per their M/O he changed quickly and started to retreat right after our first sexual encounter. I was pissed and cussed him out and called him out on his behavior. He broke up with me and I was crushed!! I didn’t know it then but I was already hooked/ addicted. He came back to me after about 2 weeks, I was elated!! Unbeknownst to me he had decided that he wasn’t going to spend time with me other than sleepovers ( sex) at his place and lunch dates at work. He gave me excuse after excuse why we couldn’t do things together after work and on weekends like normal couples; he had his son, a terminally ill dad that he looked after and supported, a 2nd part time job, family obligations, etc. This went on for 9 months. I loved him and believed him so I took the time that he gave me. I know now that it was about having control and that he was seeing other women. I was lonely and missing him every weekend although he kept in contact by phone. I lived for those texts and was happy when I got them. I would eventually get frustrated of the no quality time spent with him and complain and or attempt to break it off with him. He would talk me out of it will promises that things would get better soon and we would be able to spend time together. Other than one dinner and one movie ( separate days) it never changed. I would go over to his place 1-2 nights a week, have sex and spend the night. I was happy when I was with him but I was miserable with not spending quality time together. I eventually began to realize that he was lying to me and didn’t want to be with me. He continued to lie about just not being able to. I felt so low because I desperately loved this man but I knew I was being mistreated. I eventually sought answers and discovered that I had been lied to throughout the whole relationship… About almost everything. I found out about other women ( that he was spending time with and having sex with) there was a wife ( I was told they were divorcing ) she informed me that no papers were ever filed and that they were trying to work things out. She was working out of the country on a 2 year contract. She told me that he had cheated as soon as she went to Dubai. I’ve uncovered lots of lies and deceit from him. I was so devastated that I wanted to die!!! This man told me that he cared a lot about me almost daily!! In reality he didn’t care about me at all. I was there to be used… First for sex, then later for money. He told me that he took care of his dad who had terminal cancer and would ask me for money to help him. I’ve recently found out that his dad has been dead for 8 years!!! I did force him to pay me back every dollar and then some!!! I blackmailed him into paying me almost twice what he owed me ( I’m not your average victim) because sex is amazing with him we’ve hooked up 3 times since we officially broke up in October. The last time was January 27th. Ive since realize that this isn’t good for me because although it’s just sex with him, I find myself wanting him back in my life. As with all sociopaths it was a hurtful and traumatic ending with no answers or closure. I recently realized that I was with a sociopath and it all started to make sense. I’m reading as much as I can to gain knowledge of what happened to me and why. It’s been a huge help. I’m considering counseling. I’m confident that I’ll come out of this wiser and stronger. I don’t hate Kullen, I actually feel sorry for him to have to live that life and I’m praying for him to seek help.
I could have written that exact post!!
God help me xxx
So yesterday I reached a new low. I was at a conference on Tue and the sociopath was there (we work in the same industry). To cut a long story short, I got drunk and told ex-colleagues he lied about his baby being premature. Someone said to him and yesterday morning I received text after text from SP furious. The thing is what I did has made me so ashamed. Stooping to that level.
Something changed in me yesterday, I realised I was still living in the past. Clinging on to the fake reality that was my life with SP. I realised I was reliving the hurt everyday, and each time it hurt more. So I apologised to him, because I was sorry for what I did, and I told him he will not see or hear from me again.
I now need to work on loving myself, all I’ve done the last wow almost 2 years, is focus on my flaws, asking over and over why I wasn’t good enough, and what did I do to deserve the SP to treat me in such a cruel way? I realise I did nothing, I was vulnerable and he sensed that and took advantage.
I’ve made so many mistakes in the last while, but it’s time to let these go and love me again.
I have 3 childrens with mine. All the communication have to be strictly business like. When they see they cant get anything more from you they will disseaper. Mine dissappeared for a long time. After his last attempt to get to me our girl asked me to never again bring him to our home.She says “I don’t need a father I need a house with peace and a happy mother” She is 15 now and she said it to him clearly “I don’t want you on the life of my mom never again. I will be the one to call the police if you are around her” She is a strong girl, and she is clear who is her dad.
I’d like to tell my SP experience and would like some feedback. My story is just a little different from most that I’ve heard here. SP and I met at work in June 2014. He had been there for 8 years, I was new to the agency. He had a good career positional a government agency that required a top secret clearance. I came in to get my pre-employment processing, SP was not the one who processed me but he was in the office. Unbeknown to me SP was getting married in 3 days. I remember briefly speaking with him, he was joking. I noticed that he was kind of attractive but he was short ( I didn’t date short men) but nothing memorable. I started the job 2 weeks later. SP and I only knew each other casually; just hi and bye. I had heard that he got married but his wife took a 2 years contract position in Dubai ( he went over for 3 weeks to get her settled). They are young so I thought it odd that a young newly married couple would be ok being separated that long. About 8 months later SP subtly made his move on me. I had been home for a week sick with the flu… When I returned SP saw me and asked how I was, said he had missed me and hugged me. I thought it was sweet. I still had no interest in him. After that every time he was see me he would hug me. This wasn’t every day ( we worked on different floors). One day he hugged me long and tight and I looked at him differently. I noticed how cute he was ( I had already noticed the charming and witty personality). That day we emailed back and forth then exchanged phone #s. I forgot to put his on my phone but he texted me that night. It was innocent texting, but I was excited about him. The next morning before I got to work he text me. We text all that day, he came to my office several times. I could tell that he liked me. He told me that he was separated and filing for divorce the next week. I believed him. That weekend we text/spoke almost constantly. He complimented me on how beautiful I am, how he liked me from the minute he saw me, how he was thinking about me constantly and couldn’t wait to see me Monday. We couldn’t get together because he had his son. He claimed he asked his mother to babysit so that he could see me but she didn’t. The attraction was so strong between us that we both literally couldn’t get anything done at work. We mutually decided to get together that Tuesday. We had sex 3 times that night. I was a little disappointed because SP seemed nervous and reserved. He told me prior that he was nervous. I knew at this point that I really like him and we could work on the sexual aspect of the relationship. He seemed to change that night!! He was withdrawn and quiet. I chalked up to maybe feeling a little embarrassed because he thought that he didn’t satisfy me. The next day at work I didn’t get the usual sweet and attentive texts. He apologized and said he was busy but he came to my office to hug me. We had a daily ritual where he would come and hug me each morning. I looked forward to his hugs. He had changed, my texts were being replied for longer periods of time and he wasn’t initiating any. I was hurt and upset. 3 days after the initial sexual encounter I texted him and he didn’t reply… I sent a scathing text to him. He replied about 10 hours later. He reply was that he was hurt, he’d never been talk to in that manner, he was with his son playing and just spending time with him. Bs!! He broke it off with me, but said we could still be friendly at work and he would still give me hugs. I was crushed!!! I was already hooked!! I apologized profusely but he wasn’t changing his mind. The interesting thing is that we never stopped the communication… We still texted daily. After 2 weeks one day he said that he would give me a 2nd chance. I was elated. Within a week I was at his place and we had sex and spent the night together. It was amazing!! We saw each other at work, had lunch together and I came over and spent nights with him. He was telling me of all these reasons that we couldn’t be together on the weekends; he had his son, taking care of a terminally ill dad, working a pt job and other reasons. At first I didn’t mind, but as weeks turned into months I got frustrated and it became the source of arguments and break ups. Eventually I got a night out at a movie ( I was helping him financially by then) and a dinner or 2 ( I was leaving town for a week and he took me to dinner). He claimed he would miss me, I think he did because he called/text me every waking minute. He even encouraged me to come home early. At this point I was sure that there was no one else, he was only seeing me. I believed his lies. I was desperately in love with this man, he almost consumed my every thought. When he was around me I was like a love sick school girl. I’m 49, he’s 33. I started to suspect that he could see me, he wasn’t making the effort. I would attempt to break it off but he would suck me right back. I was weak for him. I spent my weekends without him but he kept in contact via text. This went on for months. He told my that his dad had prostate cancer and that took up a lot of his weekends and money. I found out later that dad died in 2008. After 3 months he started asking to ” borrow” money. I didn’t think it was a big deal at first because we were in a relationship and he said he would pay it back. He was using sex to get it and excuses as to why he couldn’t repay it when promised…all the while borrowing more. I don’t know what he was doing with his money… He had a good paying job and a 2nd job driving for uber. I was blindly in love. Slowly I was catching on to the lies, they were small lies and he always denied that he was lying. I was getting tired of the no time on the weekends and was complaining. Things started to deteriorate and I became angry we would frequently break up. I began to be verbally abusive to him. One night it seemed to turn him on because he begged me for 2 hours to come over ( while I’m cursing him out). I finally went over and as soon as he opened the door he pounced on me with kisses and sex. It was amazing but weird. I was thinking ” yeah he’s crazy”. During this sex he was telling me that this would be our last time together because I was mean. It wasn’t. He became distant and there was a forced break ( a month) but he came back. We had a huge argument and he wouldn’t talk to or see me for about a month. One day out of the blue he text me and said he forgave me. We started back talking. 2 days after that he was forced to resign his job ( for dishonesty) and ran to me. He was devastated and didn’t know what to do, I jumped right in to help him in any way that I could. I clung to me like a confused child BUT still wasn’t seeing me on the weekends. The same excuses. By this time he had lost his apartment and moved home with his parents. I quickly became frustrated at his refusal to give me his time and told him I wasn’t going to do this with him anymore. The games really began then!! 2 days before my birthday he asked me to meet him, I did. 10 minutes after he was supposed to be there I text him asking where he was, he said he would be an hour late. I was livid!!! I went to his parents house, he wasn’t there. He was pissed because I went to his parents house. I quickly learned that he didn’t want me talking to his parents because he didn’t want me to tell them what was going on with him. This is about the time I’m seeing the real SP!!! I had never yelled, cursed or called me names. He did then, broke up with me ( I had already did that but he has to be in control). I had demanded all the money that he owed me back. He agreed that he would pay me when he got his retirement money in a few weeks. I forced him to sign a promissory note ( for twice what he actually owed me). From that point he was nasty and mean. He agreed to meet me to pay me, he didn’t show. I went to his parent’s house ( he was there) he threw a check in my car. I didn’t trust the check so I went in the house and told the parents what was going on. They assured me that the check would be good or I should come back and they would make sure I got my money. SP was angry and wouldn’t speak to me for a month. He returned a text and we started communicating again. We got together one night. I kept asking about the status of his marriage, he was adamant that they were divorcing and that he didn’t want her. I FB messaged her and she told me that no divorce papers were filed and they were trying to work things out. When he found out that I contacted her he was FURIOUS!!! He text me that I was right all along, that he loved her and would always love her!! That I was just sex and although I did some nice things for him that he was never going to give me anything other than what he was giving me. The wife informed me that she was considering divorce because he cheated on her as soon as she went to Dubai. That is wasn’t just sex but a whole relationship. They had been together 8 years and she loved him and I had no idea of the hurt she’s endured. I told her to leave him, he will destroy her. She think that they are soulmates. Her mother and sister messaged me that I was in a long line of women that he’s hurt, I was fortunate that I didn’t marry him and I had their deepest sympathies. I was like WOW who was I with?! It was nasty texts back and forth and of could he took no responsibility for lying and deceiving me then. He was furious that he had been exposed though! Crazy as this sounds I still loved him. We got together in January and spent the night together. I didn’t feel good about myself so I pressed him to come clean about everything. He apologized for hurting me, he said that he wasn’t mad that I contacted his wife and exposed him… That he deserved it and he put me in a place to have to do that. Still would not truthfully answer any direct question. All he would admit to is lying about not having time to spend with me and said the reason he didn’t was simply because he just didn’t want to. That hurt me to my core!! I though he does that to someone who cared about him like I did. I was always there no matter what he needed. I showered with love and attention and anything else he wanted. I retaliated and he said I was crazy and blocked me. There hasn’t been any contact in almost a month. I just found out a week ago that he is a sociopath. I was shocked but it all make sense now!! Feed back please. Still trying to process and figure out why me?
Hi all
First post here and I guess this is the first step in connecting with people who have gone through something similar. For perspective, I would need to state that I am a woman who just got out of almost 13 months of HELL with a female P. I left the relationship mid Jan 2016 and its still very raw and I am haunted on a daily basis of all the emotional and psychological battle I have to endure alone. No one I knew around me had gone through something of this magnitude so I found it really hard to relate and tell my story.
TL;DR
Lesbian P girlfriend sweeps me off my feet, moves in together with me and cuts me off from family and society by being the perfect wife, driving me around for appointments, cooking and cleaning for me, paying for all my clothes, shoes, bags, meals, holidays for me. Agrees to get married and start our own gay little family with 2 dogs … and then without my knowledge steals my income statements to apply for credit cards, and racks up debt of around 80K, and stole my ATM and pin code to swipe another 100K out for her gambling. I reported her to the cops, and now she writes sad love songs, talks about our dog “that has no mummy now”, and I have to keep in constant contact with her because the damn investigation process is getting too long. Her mum had already paid of 70K of the credit card debts she has racked up, but they would only return me my 100K if my P was not jailed or charged. She now has a new older sugar mummy that I am sure she is leeching on. Unfortunately I have to keep in contact with her because she keeps pestering me to drop the charges and we have so much to settle for our lease. Being back in the dating circle and meeting assholes who don’t wanna settle yet again perpetuates the “Maybe she was still a better choice / or I should be be delusional” thoughts. I slowly found out our relationship was built on a lie and she was NEVER the person she had painted herself to be.
HOW IT STARTED
When I first met my X-P in Oct 2012, it was through an dating app and we barely spoke much as she was still located in Australia then. All I could remember is that she had a marketing role in a casino, and that her grandfather had left her money to purchase a property in the suburbs. We did not keep in contact after that initial text.
However, in Oct 2014 she texted me again. At that point of time, I had just gotten out of a relationship which I felt utter neglect from my ex who never gave me any time and was always busy or too exhausted from work. My P swept me off my feet – she was the perfect woman I thought I could ever meet. She was androgynous, attractive in a very gay sense, fashionable and knowledgable about many things. She was flashy and had expensive taste in food, cars and anything possible. We hooked up within a week or so and moved in in 2 weeks. It was what you call the lesbian fast-forward motion. She even told me she had moved back to my city just to start a new life with me as she had been living abroad for the past 10 years.
At the initial stage, everything was rosy and amazing. She was sweet, endearing and amazing in bed. She gave me all the attention I needed. I had a sales role so she drove me around all the time. She said she had a (this is where it gets thorny) gambling business back in Australia where she claimed to be a Permanent Resident and had 2 staff who could entertain her clients when she was away. Now looking back, which business owner turns into her girlfriend’s full time Uber-driver overnight? It seemed like her competent staff was always able to generate sales and all for her, without needing her physical presence back in Australia. She was also always running through “numbers and reports” of all her clients’ dealings and how much they would have rolled in the casino. Likewise, locally where we were at, she would always meet her clients at the local casino and everytime she went in, she made money. We were never short of it. We had money bills lying all over the house, and I never had to pay for a single meal or for anything we bought, be it groceries or necessities. We went on expensive trips to London, France and even had my birthday in Bali. She showered me with branded shoes, bags, presents – you name it, I had it. We changed 2 cars in a year.
Like all Ps, she isolated me from my family members and friends. I was happy to do that – I bought into her whole ‘let’s stay home and cook dinner’ thing. When I wanted to meet up with friends, she got upset which I found so endearing so I would make it up to her by finding more time to spend with her. She just wanted me all to herself. Our daily life was so sweet and non-dramatic unlike my previous relationships – we would be out of the house for morning brunch, and then I would have some appointments and she would then do her own stuff too. By 4pm or 5pm, we would always catch each other and she would come pick me from the office and we would go for a nice slow dinner either around the neighbourhood or we could pick up groceries nearby to whip up something simple for dinner. She could cook well, and she was just the perfect wife – she would do laundry, the dishes, pack the house – everything I didn’t want to do. She drove and waited patiently for hours when I had appointments. Life was just the two of us. Kinda cute, but so sadistic now looking back.
The funky shit started when she said she lost her wallet and needed my cards to book flights for her clients flying into Australia for gambling sessions. She always got a cut of whatever they spent at the casino and therefore I obliged. The other red flags then came up when I noticed BANK DEMAND LETTERS in the mailbox. I was absolutely petrified as I had never had a banking relationship with these banks to begin with!! She insisted it was the work of her staff, and even said that they were exploiting her for their own gain, such as charging entertainment expenses to my card etc. The sums kept growing along with the interests but she said she would take care of them. She would drop me at the office, then make her way to the casino “conference room” to speak with her staff or casino personnel in Australia about all these charges. I later found out she was just GAMBLING.
Finally, she said her company in Australia was going belly up. She gave me a list of her creditors and how much she had to return them. She even listed the cards and numbers down on a sheet and how much she had owed each individual and I obliged to lend her money to pay them off. Somewhere in June 2015, I kept noticing my ATM card was missing. She would insist that it would be in the car, and she would cut it soon and gave me plenty of excuses why she needed my card etc. When I checked my online banking statement, I saw huge sums of money being drawn out, sometimes 10k at a go. I was absolutely shocked. She finally cut the card end December 2015, and I created a new bank account for my company to credit my pay in. I changed the pin codes and I stashed the ATM card behind my phone which I have at all times which she would never have access to. I watched the phone and card very closely.
THIS IS WHERE IT ALL WENT DOWN…
Damn right. By mid 2015, we were seeing the cracks in the relationship, after I noticed all the bank letters. She caught me chatting with people from work and she got upset. I had some male clients who would text me flirtatiously and she would get all insecure and accused me of cheating on her emotionally and how that had pushed her to gamble heavily. I would be home with our little dog and she could be at the casino till 3 or 4am. I never once met up with these men who flirted with me. However it got to a point where I knew it was NOT SUSTAINABLE and I was planning to get her to fess up. By then she had borrowed a good 100k from me, and she insisted her oh-so-wealthy family would pay her debt off in a second.
Everytime she pulled the “I’ll pay you the 100K and we are done / I don’t wanna see you again shit”, I would soften and give in, although I knew deep down it was never going to work out in the long run. I barely had any money in my bank account and I found it hard to even pay my own staff. Yet I was absolutely in love with this P, and she would just cuddle me to sleep and whisper sweet nothings in the morning to me. I was an absolute sucker to all that sweet nothings. We would argue the hell out but wake up as lovers again the next morning. The cycle continued on till mid Jan 2016.
I was out for a wedding dinner one evening. I knew our rent was due and the landlord had been expecting a 2 month rent check . By then I knew I was done – I told her I would not be giving her a single cent and she would have to cough the money out. I could not focus during the whole wedding dinner event. I was planning for the longest time to leave her. I thought it would be a simple breakup two normal beings go through. I even wanted to go back home because she was crying and she said she did not have any money to pay the landlord. And then she dropped the bomb – she said she would get her mum to pay, but I have to come back and pack up and GTFO.
And indeed I did. I came home in fear, and started packing up. I called a friend and he was waiting in the car for me, while I picked up essential items I had needed for the next couple of days. I picked up important work documents, clothes and the bare essentials and then left with a heavy heart. Breaking up never felt so painful. I had always thought she’s the one.
Out of instinct, I texted a mutual friend whom we knew for my P ex’s contact. I remembered her ex once called me and told me that my P still owed her money. My P insisted it was the other way around. I finally got in touch with her ex, a lady called M, and M told me everything: IT WAS ALL A LIE – MY P’S PARENTS AND HER ARE DEAD BROKE, MY P WAS STEALING FROM HER TOO, AND APPLIED FOR CREDIT CARDS WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE TO SWIPE MONEY FOR GAMBLING, SHE NEVER HAD A COMPANY BACK IN AUSTRALIA, AND SHE NEVER EVER HAD ANY STAFF OR “HIGH ROLLER CLIENTS”… AND THAT ALL HER BANK STATEMENTS THAT I SAW LYING AROUND WAS JUST FORGED. EVERYTHING THAT WAS RELATIONSHIP WAS BUILT ON, WAS A LIE. SHE WAS NOT THIS WEALTHY CHICK WHO HAD HALF A MILLION IN FUNDS IN AUSTRALIA AND HER PARENTS DID NOT STAY IN A HUGE HOUSE NOR DID HER GRANDFATHER LEAVE A HOUSE IN HER NAME.
I was in utter disbelief. That night, my P drove over to find me and she kept begging me to come back. She must have wondered what finally knocked the sense out of me! The next day, I just needed to convince my heart that it was NOT REAL at all. Her ex gave me my P’s real address and where her parents actually stayed – my heart sank when I realised that my P’s parents were staying in a run down tiny apartment next to the one she had always claimed she stayed. They looked destitute and probably really poor.
And then I demanded her parents’ to pay whatever bank demand letters I had gathered at that point of time. Over the next couple of days, my P would keep coming over to my temporary place and beg for a reconciliation. Her mum had started making payments by then and I promised I would not report it to the police. However, I received a call from another bank demanding immediate payment or a lawsuit would follow. I had no choice but to report the whole incident – all the bank notices and the 100k to the police. What really broke the straw on the camel’s back was when her ex told me that my P just needed me to pay her back (she impersonated her ex to borrow money from friends, and she stole about 30K from her ex. Same modus operandi with the credit card fraud as well)
AFTERMATH OF THE POLICE
Once the police stepped in, I never felt more relieved. She was arrested and held at the police station for a day or so and her passport had been impounded and her mum had to come bail her out. Once she was out, she proposed restitution and I agreed to meet up. I got my dad to come along and we packed up whatever that was left at our place and tried to negotiate a restitution term. It was extremely disadvantageous to me – her mum agreed to pay off whatever bank related charges BUT the 100k would only be returned if my P was not charged or jailed in court. We had mutually agreed that I would drop all charges and probably even write in to the police not to have her charged in court.
Over the next couple of days, I had to generate my credit report and to my amazement there must have been around 10 banks in it, all of which I never had a banking relationship ever with! When I called up, all the banks told me that they received my income documents and had approved my cards in JANUARY 2015, WHICH WAS BARELY 3 MONTHS AFTER WE HAD MOVED IN TOGETHER. She sunk her claws in at such an early stage but kept blindsiding me by accusing me of infidelity. I had to call each bank for an outstanding and send that to her mum to pay.
I tried giving my P a chance, and we would meet up back at our place to talk and hook up, but I could never trust her with my personal belongings or anything. I then found out, and also she admitted that she snooped into my bag for my notice of assessment, printed them out and then sent to different banks for credit approval. I had a good income so it was never declined. She would then swipe money from the cards to spend them at the casinos and essentially gambled the money away. She kept insisting that she had never borrowed from her friends but only admitted the truth after I kept pressurizing her. After a while, everything was just a blur and I could never figure out what was truth anymore. She would send me lovey dovey texts and emails expressing regret for all her actions. It moved me but I know I had to stop replying her or I would go insane.
We were supposed to go for a concert on 15 Feb 2016 and I had prebooked these way in advance as a Valentine’s Day gift. I knew she might bail on me at the last minute given her volatility, I insisted she transfer me the ticket money and she did. However, on Valentine’s day itself she insisted we meet up at our place and she demanded the tickets because she didn’t wish to see me or repair the relationship at all (what sincerity). Likewise, she kept blaming me and insisting that she was tired trying to make amends and that whatever efforts she had taken did not move me and that she would rather not continue trying to repair our relationship.
So I drove there only to find a new victim, new sex toys and flowers everywhere in the apartment. It was a huge blow to my ego, self esteem and mental health being and at that point of time I truly regretted not forgiving her. I had started to read up on psychopaths, sociopaths and pathological liars at that point in time but I kept trying to convince myself it was not true and that she genuinely changed.
DID SHE REALLY CHANGE?
Nope, I don’t think so – as much as I wished she really did. Her aloof attitude told me that she has probably already found a new victim. However, we have so many unsettled issues like phone bills, cable connection that was all tied into my name that I had to keep in constant contact with her. It was painful and miserable to receive a text from her all the time. If I took longer than half an hour to reply, she would send me more messages and follow up with a call. It got so bad that I had to block them or I would not be able to focus at work. I would drive up several times in a day to our place just wishing that I could reverse everything and that this was not real and she was genuinely in love with me.
Recently, her uncle past away. She told me about it and I decided to attend the funeral. I felt sorry for her family and I still loved her. Damn, she still looks so fine that I would love to hit that again. Curiosity always kills the cat – her new partner/victim was there too. It got obvious that her “ex high school teacher” was more than just a friend given how they acted. When I questioned her about it, she was aloof and showed zero remorse. She in fact looked kinda happy to have found a new victim – probably an older sugar mummy to leech off all the same again.
I REALLY NEED ADVICE
Nights are the loneliest for me. We used to spend evenings watching Masterchef or some random TV series after work before cuddling and finally falling asleep. And then I wake up to her sweet ‘I love yous’. These days I am always tired and barely able to focus at work because of this negativity that hangs over me. It is almost impossible to get over her because the wounds are so raw, and yet I am unable to fully cut her off. At the same time, I am still always ever-so-curious about her movements, conversations and her new partner that it makes me sick. I feel like some sick depraved looney that needs to find out every movement or conversation and as we are giving up the lease, I wonder where she would be putting up etc.
I go on dates but I meet the worst assholes who don’t wanna settle down, hence making me wonder if I should have just been delusional and kept hanging on because dating again makes me feel more vulnerable and lonelier than ever.
I try to go back to church and find all sorts of new activities like joining a running club and a meditation group to focus on but the past still comes to haunt me. I feel all ready to see her sorry ass in jail. Her mum begged me to drop the charges but the police said it’s too large of a sum and it’s likely that she would need to be jailed anyway (so even if I dropped the charged they will still go ahead any way to charge her regardless). I am trying to go on a holiday but work seems too much to juggle at this point of time so I need to put off travel plans for a while.
I probably aged a lot more in the past one and a half months since the breakup and the horrible discovery that my darling ex-girlfriend that I wanted to settle down with, and that I adored was just a psychotic P or N or S… whatever you term it to be. If anyone out there has gone through something similar, I would love to speak with you. I am determined to walk out of this.
Thanks for reading everyone. I know it is a lot to digest and I am just grateful to have found time commit myself in writing because I believe that’s the first step to forgiveness and recovery.
@deedee2208
Believe me you aren’t alone. I got out of a relationship with a woman as well about 6 months ago. The blame is still all apparently held on me although she used me for money and then left me for some dude (although she said she was uber gay) it’s all a game I’m telling you. I know that feeling you have..I used to stay up cuddling with my sp watching (ironically) master chef..I used to be forced to stay in because she wanted me all to her self. I wasn’t allowed seeing anyone but her really. Once I didn’t have all this money to support her, she dipped. She plays the ignoring game some days and other days she won’t stop texting. Well she mainly ignores whenever she fears that I no longer give a shit so she will blow my phone up and then repeat said silent treatment when I accept the “apology.” It’s very nerve wrecking and depressing and it literally eats at you..BUT you and I both know we are better off without them. They will only make things worse..and believe me, I know..they’re like a drug sometimes..but that’s how they want you to feel. They want to have that control. I’m going through the same emotional stage at this point and all I can really say is to try and associate her with bad thoughts..don’t let the good memories get hold of you..they don’t care about the good memories, they used you, it was all a fake. So whenever I’ve started to think of good memories about my ex sp I just think of all the mean, cruel hearted things she’s put me though and stop myself. Good luck with all of this, I really do wish you the best dear. Don’t let this bring you down.
Yes you are not alone by any means and hopefully we can bond each other’s strengths to carry on.I today am getting phone calls to my house phone for her new wife Another new phase in this game I’m not Farmiliar with.i will continue on NC no madder what they throw at me through strengh and support, as we all do.It seems to have ramped up to weekly Hoover here lately.Some way shape or form to make me know they are around like I’m not of free mind and will.It has to at some point get better than this somewhat normal peaceful and free.
@Deetee and @CindyT – so sorry that you are going through this. Yet again there are so many parallels in your stories. We all struggle to understand how the love we felt, the passion and the deep feeling of mutual attraction could be something manufactured and deliberately contrived. It’s not unnatural to struggle with this, for me, emotion is real, I cannot understand how it isn’t for someone else. A SP doesn’t FEEL. I suppose they look upon everything they do as a sort of business decision – will this get me what I want?
It’s HORRIBLE to play with a person’s emotions in this way, but they would see it as just another move in the game of life.
You are not alone – but you are BETTER than they could ever be. Don’t rush to try to find an alternative to patch you up, instead, look to your own strengths, your own needs and satisfy them. I have found the greatest comfort in friendship, and in the lonely hours I read a book or try to concentrate on the world outside my own unhappiness. It takes effort, but in the end it is better than being defiled by someone devoid of conscience.
I wish you all the luck in the world to love yourself, and stand up to these “aliens”. Lana x
Thank you Lana… It’s been up and down for me. Unfortunately today isn’t a good day at all for me. I find myself crying but I don’t know why. Yesterday I had decided that I feel sympathy for my ex- sociopath. I wish I could magically forget him and our time together. It hurts to know that it and I meant nothing to him. I pray on this constantly.
CindyT – you are crying because you are grieving. Grieving for what you THOUGHT you had, and for the best bits of what you did have. I can empathise, I too feel sorry for my dead SP. Just before your message came through I was feeling guilty because I wondered whether I should have done more for him – I don’t believe he EVER felt guilty about the hurt and pain he caused me and others. Good people feel for others – SP’s do not. You could try making a list of all the lies he told you, and then a list of all the things that you know to be true. Writing has helped me. Ironically, my SP told me and my friends that his aim in life was to encourage me to write – he has done that but not in the way he envisaged! It is early days for you, you are not alone, always remember that you are the better person, you deserve better. Lana x
Thanks Lana… I do understand that it’s a process. I thought I was over the hurt when we finally broke up. I actually felt better when I realized that he was a sociopath because at least I finally got a reason and some answers to why he did what he did. I’ve never encountered such evilness. Those times with him and his words seem so real. My love for him was real… At least he never went so far in his dishonestly to tell me that he loved me, but he told me frequently that he cared about me. I feel like I’m going crazy today. I was ok until today. I pray that tomorrow will be better.
I am trying to find your comment Cindy.
It can help when you realise that they are a sociopath. You know that it isn’t you. But also, you know that it is final, there is nothing that you can do to fix things.
You say about it being real. It might have been about as real as he could make it. Remembering that they can throw themselves so much into character that they can become the lie and believe in it too. Try seeing a sociopath after a period of absence, they will tell YOU the lie, that they have told other people, about you and believe it to be true. Although obviously you would know the truth. So for them, it seemed real, simply because like an actor on stage they were throwing themselves into the role, and it was real.
Take it one day at a time, healing does come. If it hurts, it is healing something. Cry too, not that i want you to cry but it is good to get it out, and let your emotions out. I cant find your original post
in my comments list, but I will try to find it.
Thank you Lana 🙂
Thanks positivagirl. It’s posted under ” Share your story” posts. Yesterday.
Oh, the post is here. And I meant my love for him was real. I realize most of what he did and said to me wasn’t real, it was to keep me around for his own selfish reasons.
Hi Cindy
I think that’s whst I’m coming yo as well. Over 4 years of daily I love you (several times actually), 40 texts, daily coffee, the last person I spoke to at night and the first everymornjng….. And now I’m a leper to be ignored.
It’s gutwrenching
Hey Joelene I hope you are having a better day and sticking to no contact rule?
Hi
Positiva
Yes after my last few humiliating attempts where he ignored me…I’m still going. Gosh it’s hard though. I worry that if I don’t stay in his face or keep him in my mind. Then it truly is lost and truly meant nothing
Ah this is the mind trick that you are playing on yourself Joelene, let me repeat this back to you…
‘I worry that if I don’t stay in his face or keep him in my mind then it truly is lost’….. ‘and I meant nothing’…..
Have a look at that statement Joelene.
You say that you felt humiliated. You know, if you contact him he will do this again. You don’t want, or deserve to feel humiliated.
You are holding yourself back by continuing to connect with him, and give him your energy. Did you know that when you are thinking of him, you are sending out your energy to him. This will connect you to him. But not in the way that you think. It will energise him. He will actually think of you LESS not MORE.
I think the part of the statement where you say’it truly is lost and I truly meant nothing’
This is the part that you are struggling with
1. letting go
2. Feeling worthless
You want him to contact you, or at least reply to show that you are not worthless…..
Let me tell you something Joelene, there is a more important person for you to feel worthwhile to – than him.
Do you know who should make you feel important?
YOU!
This is about self love. This is about way before you met this man. You see this man is showing you your core soul wound which lies in abandonment and rejection and I would say came way before you met him. this is about your own sense of worth and how you feel about yourself.
If I was working with you as a 1-1 client, I would then be exploring your background and we would explore where these feelings come from, and find tools to empower you, to take ownership back for you! To learn to truly LOVE YOU…..
I won’t do that on a public forum.
Positiva
Yet again you hit the core and it’s like a light turns on. I’ll email you 🙂 thankyou
I am unable to get into my Hotmail Joelene I will try again later
Cindy
I know what you mean. I’ve had a crying day too. It’s just so horrible to think none of it was real!!!
Lana
Great post thankyou
Jolene…. I know exactly how you feel!! Although we know they don’t care about us, they are not good for us, we want them to care…to reach out. We desperately want to know that it wasn’t all a lie, a game. In my case I don’t think it was ALL a lie… But most of it was. And the fact that they can discard us so abruptly and completely proves that to be true. I’ve stopped reaching out and I think of him daily… Not in a good way, not that I wish he still wanted me, but in a way that I’m shocked that’s who/what he turned out to be. Try to stay busy doing fun things and surround yourself with people who care about you. Cindy
Cindy thankyou xx
One question I want to ask. Why do they lie to one person and not another.
@Jolene
My personal experience is that they lie to everyone, they just lie more to the ones that they need something of
I agree. They lie all of the time. All day every day. They lie even when telling the truth would be easier.
Hi everyone. I apologize in advance for my bad english since I am not a native speaker. I met a sociopath few month ago, when I decided to move to a new country. I was the ideal prey, not because I am weak , but because when you are new in a country, you can easily be manipulated. We dated for 4 month before I understood something was wrong about his behaviour ( gaslighting, making me feel bad for no reason, indirectly putting me down through social medias without mentionning my name, writing indirect threatening by status online..). I lived hell.. He was also a big narcissist, changing his profile pic every single day, sometimes several times a day. I won’t share the whole story cause it is long and I want to get over it but basically the whole thing is he felt jealous when he saw that I was a relatively pretty young girl coming to a new country, helped and getting support from my family, to live my dreams , study and have career opportunities. He wanted to ruin my life and my happiness. I suffered from PSDT and high anxiety but I am working on it and feel better and better day by day.
My problem is : when I was 100% sure that he was a sociopath,he felt it and broke up with me putting the blame on my behaviour (typical). I sent him a long message explaining that I knew he is a sociopath (I said narcisstic pervert) , what he tried to do, and telling him I dont wan’t him in my life. He said he will never come back again so I felt free and relieved. He continued to post some indirect status about me or maybe his other victims through social medias.. I started NO CONTACT to not feel concerned anymore about what he was saying. I broke NC one day and saw that he was talking about ” revenge” on social medias..
Things went pretty good for me several weeks ago, I started to feel less anxiety and be able to study and concentrate which didnt happen to me for a while.
But now I have a very bad intuition since I know sociopath are stalking people ( and even he doesnt know my exact adress he has a good idea about the area where I live), can even hack your phone ( I changed my number because strange things started to happen to my phone..) and even he said he will never come back , he can revenge on trying to ruin my life without appearing as the one who did it. He insisted several times to know the exact location of my uni, wanted to coming to my home, or asking me questions like how much money my parents did pay for my studies.. I felt he wanted to have a lof ot informations before he disappears so he could try to ruin my life from distance.. Especially because I told him that I knew who he was, that he was pathetic and I felt pitty for him and that he did’nt win..
So recently a neighbour started to knock at our door ( I share my house with other people) to complain about a noise that she heard. She is keeping harrassing us while we are very quiet.. She comes several times a week while we never had complaints before. What is very strange is that we are a residence with a lot of flats and she did not even try to see if it was other neighbours who are making this noise. She directly came at our house. I never answered to her but my other flatmates did. She started to say that she was hearing noises at night while we never do parties, sleep at night or study and we are maybe the quitest house of the area!.. Today she came again , talked to my flatmate and told her that she is gonna call our landlord to make a complaint. We were all shocked since we really dont make ANY extra noise, and are really quiet people.. She designated a place from she hears the sounds which was the kitchen .. The problem is the room in front of the kitchen is mine..
I know it sounds crazy and paranoic but I started to feel this has a link with the sociopath I’ve dated..Yes I know it sounds completely CRAZY because it would mean that he came to my residence, payed someone or tried to convince someone to make a complaint about my precise flat.. Things that we usually only see in films. But since I know he is able to do anything ( within the limits of the law of course and without being caught) I have some suspicions about it.. I already saw a profile pic one month ago of him in a street which was really familiar to me , seemed like my area.. Because of him I had a social phobia I couldn’t even go to the uni cause I was scared he could come.
So now that this crazy neighbour will call the landlord, I wanted to have your opinions.. Can a sociopath going this far?? What is his aim? Knowing if I still live there ? Creating troubles between me and my flatmates or making me leave from my flat just before my exams will start?? Since I heard about this neighbour my anxiety came back, I immediatly thought about the sociopath.. Now when I hear big ” BANG BANG” at my door I am scared to open and feel panicking..
If a sociopath can go this far, what should I do? And what can I risk?
My flatmates and my landord are extremely nice people but I have the bad intuition that this neighbour will come every single week till she can see me instead of my flatmates.. Don’t ask me where this intuition comes from, we all know that in stories with sociopath we have to trust our gut instincts..
What should I do?
Hey guys, I couldn’t figure out how to post on here without it being a reply but I really need someone to see or read this and make me feel okay or sane again. I am currently in a horrible situation on and off again with what I believe is a Sociopath. Right now as I am typing this he is texting me reasons why I am useless because I asked him to pick some of his stuff up out of my place so my cousin could stay for a few days because she is in bad shape. I want to state; he does NOT pay a thing here even though he live here 99 percent of the time. No rent, no groceries, toiletries- nothing. But it is always like this. He treats me like I am disposable, and last week one of our fights got so bad he attacked me and I have been at work for a week with a broken nose, two black eyes, and a bruised cheek. I am not stupid or naive. I know none of this is right. I know this is terrible treatment and I would not let any of my friends stay in a situation like this. The only problem is- I TRULY love him. My heart feels like its exploding when he leaves me, and he leaves me every week or so. I have constant anxiety because he is NEVER happy or satisfied and has something to be mad at me for. The time before the last physical altercation I had a miscarriage of an unknown pregnancy and when I told him he called me a liar and said it probably wasn’t even his. He calls me “crazy”, “bitch”, “slut” and worse all the time. And when I’m away from him all I can think about is how to get his things out of my place and never having to see him again. I’m so confused. Why can’t I just break ties with someone who CLEARLY does not mean it when he says he loves me? When we’re broken up I can’t resist texting him because I just want to hear that I’m not worthless and that he really does need me. I’m asking that someone please help me. I’ve gotten professional help and the suggestion has been “leave him”. Well I did this weekend and have been called every name under the sun and worse. What do I do to stop myself from trying to go back. Please. Anyone. I’m being ruined by this person.
Hey!! I hope that other people also see your message and reach out to help you too.
Always you KNOW that this is an abusive relationship. You should be calling the police and having him charged with assault. You think you are in love with him, really, you are in love with the illusion that he sold to you, did you fall in love with a liar, a user, and a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive man. Is this who you fell in love with as this is the reality.
What do your friends say? This is NOT your fault, you really please need to get away from this man and I urge you to seek additional support from a domestic abuse centre close to where you are. Keep in contact with us. Please!!
Send me an email at datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk I would like to work with you 1-1 -yes he will call you names, as he is a lame ass bully, he won’t like you trying to get away from him. This type the violent type is the worst type of all. You really do have to get away from him. You might think you love him, but likely this is because he has smashed your self esteem to pieces, and you don’t know how to think anymore..
@ Always Hurt
Definitely go to the police a.s.a.p. Domestic violence usually gets worse and more frequent so you must get out of this relationship now. I was assaulted three times by mine (last one was the worse – I regret not taking photos of my injuries) and wish I had allowed the police to prosecute for the assault he was arrested for. You need to take as many steps as you can to protect yourself. The police will also put you in contact with other support agencies (eg Victim Support). Believe me, once you have got out of this violent and abusive relationship you will realise just how badly you have been treated and how you deserve so much BETTER.
@always hurt….you know the answer, but you are refusing to accept it. He may or may not be a sociopath, but he is certainly abusive. He’s not ever going to stop hurting you. It will only get worse. You are his punching bag when everything goes wrong in his life. He loves having you around to abuse and then forgive him so he doesn’t feel like a worthless piece of shit for beating you. Get away from him. That’s the answer. You are not the worthless. He is. Your life is sacred and can be happy and fulfilling, but you need to get rid of your abuser before it gets worse. He’s already sent you to work beaten up. What’s next?
Hey! I wonder the same things like you…its been a year we have broken up but at that timne he would call me and tell me that he will take revenge on me at a time i’ll b unsuspicious!!! In December 2015 (after 9 months on NC) i saw him accidentaly on the train station (weird)..we didnt speak but emailed him next day and told him that i felt sorry for my harsh words (i told him he was useless at sex..it was truw though) and wished him and his family blessings and he answered me back saying that he was sorry too for breaking my heart and that it wasnt his intention(and that was it..no more communication)…2 weeks later that time though i had a discussion with a client of mine and it came out that my Narc 2 weeks b4 seeing him at the station was playing basket against my clients team (my cleint didnt remember him but clearly my Narc DID remember him cause he was coming at my shop and would notice EVERYone and being a lawyer and very smart would tell me that once time to see a person he would remeber him and never forget him) and he started asking him questions that would lead my client to talk about me (without it being evident of him trying to ask things about me)…e.g are you from this area? do you know al the Internet Cafes in the area? Do you know Battlenet? dO YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE WORKING THERE? Do you know a girld with black SHORT hair (i have black LONG hair and at the time hge was coming at my shop only another girl was working there who was blond)…weird…i thought…what was his intention? he didnt learn anything valuable? Anyway..all this seemed weird to me…a month late (in January) i was standing outside my shop and a car passed me by and i noticed that the guy inside had stopped and starring at me (AND i recognised him..he is playing basket with my Nark in his team..he doesnt know that i have seearced and know these guys faces or name…but i recognised him)..which again was weird and then i thoiught like you do..hmmm.,am i crazy???? 2 weeks ago i was at the gym and i was working out and reading a book at the same time and i felt someone was looking at me and i looked and there was ANOTHER guy from his team (who doesnt know i know his face and who he is) was starring at me!!! (Firts time i saw him in face)..next day as i went to the supermarket close to my shop, when i was at the cashier i saw the first guy with the car enetring the supermarkt and leaving after 3 meeting without having bought ANYTHING!!!
Do you think i am crazy?? I feel worried and stressed that he is up to something..i also thought that if this the case (revenge..cause i had fb messaged his MAIN girlfriend of 11 years abotu everything – despite the fact that she went back to him again) it is genious that i saw him at the train sation which his office is (cause i threw away the thought that he planned it cause i said: well it si logical..cause his office is there) cause he could do it on purpose so that i dont think it was on purpose (but if i thinik the way he was aking about me..he is so clever..which makes more sense!!)
I dont know..,i am just VERY CAREFUL..i told my family about it..gave his adress toa friend of mine in case anything happens to me and i emailed to myself an email saying all these stuff beforehand in case…
Hi. Dont panic. They would need a lot more proof before they can evict you for noise. Ignore it. Other neighbours can testify that they didnt hear a thing.
please try to stay calm. He just wants a reaction. Tell that neighbour to take their proof and tell the damn landlord!
Hi have let through now, but you need to change your name, I did on this one as it came up with your email! – Now removed.
Hi Cindy!! Your story is exactly like mine (i met him august 2014 and broke up December 2014)..i posted it on this site at that time i was confused and hurt..you will find so many similarities…so here it goes:
broke up with him (the beginning of December 2014)..luckily i only stayed in that relationship for four months! He first approached me saying that he is about to break up with his girlfriend (out of 11 years ) and asked me to go out with him but although i was really attracted to him at first place (amazingly handsome, 34 years old, lawyer etc.) i said no because i didnt want to get into trouble..a week or so later he approached me and told me that they broke up so we went out on a date (even though i knew that he was probably lying about the break up thing) ..so we started dating but i told him that because i didnt trust him , our relationship would only move to the “physical level” only until she moves out of the house..but until then we could date and get to know each other..From our first date he would speak to me like no other guy has ever spoken to me! He was so amazed of how beautiful i am and that by the first time he saw me he felt something different..he even told me that he was in love with me and he was picturing us having children..we were going out only for 10 days and he met my sister and brother in law but it didnt go well..he wasnt very friendly ( i was shocked actually cause until then i was sure that he would be with them just like he was with me..but it was the first sign of his aggressive behavior..my brother in law told me that he was lying to me, that he had another relationship and that he was furious because he couldnt get to sleep with me..so he had taken ti personally, like a challenge..on the other hand, he hated my sister and brother in law..he told me that he was a jerk and in a kind way he told me that my sister had a shit heart..and all this mostly because we are religious and he is an atheist and he claimed that they didnt want him because of that..he even cried in front of m,e telling me all these beautiful words like: “i cant believe that the girl of my dreams will reject me cause i am an atheist..i am dreaming of us in our bed with our kid sunday morning and you are telling me that you will have to go to church and miss all these beautiful moments?”)…so by that night i was upset with my family that they were so close minded and because of them i would lose the perfect guy that came to my life..so i stopped taking their advice about my relationship..actually, i stopped telling them anything about it..and of course, with his behavior he made it clear to me that he wouldnt like to see them again..the days were passing, and one day he asked me to go for the weekend at his cottage and i denied it! We had a big fight there but i told him that i wouldnt move from what i had first said..so he got so upset and told me that he would need to go alone to his cottage for that weekend so that he would think whether he wanted to jump straight into a relationship again (after 11 years of not being single) …that weekend we talked more than 12 hours on the phone!! It felt like it was teenage romance..but when he came back, while he was kissing me and loving me he told me..well my ex called me and asked me to give her another chance!! (Now, i know why he said this..i now dont believe he ever broke up with her or event intented to…and because he wanted to get physical with me but i had set these boundaries, by saying this to me he thought that i would react like any other woman that in order not to lose him, i would do ANYTHING to keep him..and this was sex!) But i reacted the opposite way! i laid back and had a fight..went that night home and was ready to tell him next day that i would break up with him, i would give him1 month in order to decide what he wants..but he first called me at midnight and came to my house to tell me that he chose to follow his heart and that today he told her that they couldnt have another chance cause he is in love with another woman..i was sooo happy!!! i was feeling the luckiest girl on earth!!! i couldnt believe that he chose me instead of her! He was so in love..he even started making plans for vacations..where should we go this summer?etc..everything was great BUT i still told him that i needed her first to move out of the house..and he told me that this time that he was clearer to her about their breakup she would find quickly a house to move out..Two days later we were at that cafeteria, being in love, kissing, telling me that i deserved Him, i deserved his love, that i was such a special person..and then SHE came!! She stood above us, shacking her head..she told me : i wish that someone will do the same thing you do to me..and then she told him: Is that the way you throw 11 years of our relationship to the garbage? Why do you fool her???..and she left..he was shocked!! He asked me to leave the cafeteria and that we would talk on the phone the same night..but he only contacted me 2 days later cause he said he needed time on his own cause he was so shocked..he had never seen his ex acting that crazy..of course these two days i was in pain, i was wondering what was he doing..i knew that something was wrong there..but i was in love and i wanted eveyrthing he had said to me to be real!! He was a jackpot!! anyways, i believed him cause i thought she only came because he had told her about my existance the previous night and she wanted to see that other woman..when i asked him why did she say:why do you fool her?? he told me she said it cause she wanted to ruin what we had..our love!..he also told me that she asked him three favors..one of them was that i wouldnt go into his house until she had fully gone!!. (which promise he did break cause i went to his house a week b4 our final breakup).so i was feeling sorry and i said..ok..i can understand..so we keep dating without the physical until she finally moves out…few days later though, his sister gave birth..so he took me to the hospital and i met his sister, his mother, his brother in law and other family..his mother was so kind..she told me that she knew that her son would make the right decision..so, i believed that he was actually telling me the truth and so accepted his offer to go to his cottage!!!..we were so in love! Everything was perfect! we would spend hours and hours together, everyday on the phone!!..few weeks later though he told me something unexpected..that his ex (until this time she was satying at friends houses) would come and stay 2-3 times a week at his house!!!..and guess what! I had to take it all in, cause he was sincere..so he wasnt lying!! I knew that this was not normal, but i kept telling myself that time will show..he cant keep lying forever.. until that morning that he got frustrated with me cause he came to my shop and instead of saying Hi to him from the time he entered i kept talking to my client and after i finished with the client i went to kiss and hug him..Οh! he also got upset cause i first gave an ashtray to my client and then to him!! He left the shop really furious! He made me feel like a whore! That it was my fault..(it was saturday morning)..he wasnt answering to my phone calls or txts..sunday came and i was started thinking about his reaction that it was illogical!..and said to myself, that if he is disapeared for the whole sunday and contacts me again on Monday for that stupid reason..he would propably need and excuse so that he would be away from me the whole weekend..i texted him again, never got an answer until i decided to go by his house..i texted him that i was going to his house so that we solve the problem..and suddenly he answered me back..he told me not to go and that he wouldnt open the door and i told him..why??Is she there? And he said yes! (but remember??he had told me that she was going..i hadnt caught him lying to me!)..and i told him that it would b a great opportunity for her to tell me that all of what he was telling was real!..he said..r u crazy? She hates you! she thinks u r responsible 4 our break up..she will kill you..anyways…we talked, we had a huge fight..i was asking him to delete her from facebook so that he proves me he is saying the truth (my account was deactivated all this time) and he kept telling me..i maybe not be in love with here but i have already broken her heart for leaving her..is that so important for you to make her feel even worse??..i was swearing at him, he was swearing at me and i decided to facebook this woman and tell her everything..with details so that he wouldnt be able to lie to her again about me and make everything ok again..so i told her details like ex. where were you last wednesday? Cause u werent at your house..i was with him having sex..and if you dont believe me the house is like that, with these furniture etc..I didnt tell him i did that and meanwhile he convinced me again that he was real, and that the person i fell in love for was real and not fake!! and that in a month he would prove to all that he is not lying!!…i decided not to tell him anything about what i had done so that i would make sure what was goiing on..and the time came a few days later that she read the message..he called me and started swearing at me..you whore, you piss of shit, you have a shit soul you broke that womans heart!!! etc..it kept going..he kept calling me calling me names, making me feel the worst person on earth for breaking her heart, that i dont deserve his love and he was so wrong about me!! He was threating me..he came 3-4 times by my shop to call me names and threaten me..the last day i saw him, he first called me to tell me that we was telling me lies all this time and that he would never love me..he could never love me! He only loved her and compared to her i am nothing!..half an hour later he came by the shop to tell me that he was telling me the truth all this time, that he HAD broken up with her and that she would move out a few days later but I screwed everything up!!..I told him to leave!!!!and that if he ever thratens me again i had a friend in the police who knows his name, address etc.so he left..and an hour later he came back..for the first time he was sobber..he told me that he didnt mean what he was saying cause he was angry and thats why,..and come on..admit it! It was wrong what you did..and he had the nerve to ask him to make him a cup of tea to talk!!!..i was so shocked at that time by this confusing behavior..i asked him to leave and never come back…after the breakup 3 days b4 chirstams he texted me “by accident”..i got a text that was supposed to go to his friend..i knew that he was a coward and he did it on purpose but i didnt break my non-contact!!.. (a month later) i decided to activate my fb account again so that i can see what would he do..and hadnt deleted me all this time that i was deactivated but once i activated it , in two hours, he had deleted me! But he still had her as a friend..so i blocked him!..my parents told me that he knew that this would upset me and he did it on purpose so thte would break my non-contact way!!.some days later i texted him and told him: i was right for everything! and he texted back: excuse me? who is this??..i told him:you know!!…and he didnt answer me back…at that time i decided to unblock him so that i can see how much he searches for me and thinks about me..and yes! He was..he blocked me back!! He noticed that i unblocked him?? How???..so i texted him again telling him that he is funny and worths nothing..and he kept texting back that he doesnt know who this is..he didnt call me (cause it was sunday night and was propably with her),,but Monday morning(next day) he called me from his office ..i didnt answer..he called me again..i didnt answer..i knew that he knew it was me! and i knew that he was calling to pretend to see who was it and to start conversation with me..but i wanted to avoid having a conversation with him..so he texted me back swearing to that “unknown” person who had texted him and asking who this is and that i should answer the phone..so i texted him back saying:oh im sorry..it must have been wrong number..im so sorry (if he wants to play games, i can play games also!!)…and he answered back..tell me who are you so that i can help you..and i said it was a mistake..these texts were going to a mean person with no values at all! I am sure that you are a kind person though! I dont need you help sir, my problem is solved!..and he finally said :i know that its you!! ansrwe the phone to talk..you know that you are sick and you need help??? but i never answered it!!
Next day he emailed me telling me that he did the mistake to search on my profile from a friends account and he saw all these articles i posted about narcissists & sociopaths and at first he thought to let me believe that he is the bad guy and i am the good girl he did wrong BUT he told me..dont forget! I am the one who had a great relationship with a great woman for 11 years(!!) and you are the one complaining that men want you only for sex..do you wonder why?? Maybe because you dont worth anything more? You dont need to look on the internet to understand my character..let me tell you who i am..i want trustworthy people, with a good character and good value and not shit people with no ethics!! you could never be my girl (you dont deserve it) not even to come and clean my house you dont deserve!and..come on!! Do you think you are a “trophy” ???Give us a break!!!
A month later i emailed him a big mail telling my point of vie and answered back saying that i have come to these conclusions on my own, that there was no point in answering to ANY of these cause i had already made up my mind that he was a liar!!
(Between all these 2 months of our break up i was getting all those weird messages on my hidden fb – which he knew i had cause i had showed him- and everyday weird frienbd requests…till that point i had never ever had any friend request because it was a fake account)
A month later i called him and asked to meet with him..as i wanted closure…(all this time he was posting love songs publicly & i didnt know how to interprete this..if these songs were for her he didnt need to post them on public cause they were firends on fb…so i thought..he does that so that i can see it and feel jealous that he is after her orrr he is doint it so that he can do both at the same time..make me feel jealous and her more confident that he is sincere AND at the same time if i came up to him and use these songs as evidence that he had indeed lied to me about her and those songs were the proof he could say that he was posting these songs publicly so thjat i could see them because they were for me..songs with mixed signals…so i didnt even once make him thye favor to confront him about these songs!!)..he told me straight away to meet with me so we did and sat in the cafeteria for 3 or more hours…of course nothing came out of this…the first thing he told me was that “Vicky if you hadnt sent that message we would still be together”..he neve accepted that he was with her he only said that he was so wrong about me, wo disapointed that i broke her heart and asked me to go by his house to show me the wardrobes…as a sign that he was indeed telling me the truth and she had left as he had told me….when i went he asked me to make me a cup of tea but because it ws after midnight and i was scared of him (even though at that point i so badly wanted to get back together with him) i didnt stay cause my mother was upset and wouldnt stop calling me..so i left after 5 minures..just checked the wardrobes…and then he said that cliche “i wish you a good life”
2 weeks later i found out that he was meeting her at her new house, telling her that he loves her and will wait on her ofrever to change her mind, that i was lying and organised a trip to London for the two of them!!!!
I was sooooo hurt!!! Called him and pretended that i wanted to get back together with him..told him: “now that you see why i sent her that message and that i know that u were true to me, i am able to forgive you as long as u forgive me too and go on with our relationship..you said that if i hadnt sent that mesage we would still be together..so i understand that you wish we would be together!!!” and he laughed and said: “Me to ask sorry from you??? No no you misunderstood me..i dodntwish we were back together..yoou take revenge..i dont like you” and i said: “well yeah..you’ve said that the situation u asked of me to endure sounded a bit crazy..therefore how can u excpect a normal reaction from me while i was forced to live an abnormal situation??”..and he said: “Where do you hear all these stupid things..and welll i found out things about you and i dont want to be with you…”…so after a while i vhanges the tone of my voice and told him :” ok..listen to me carefully you son of a bitch!! AND dont DARE to hang up the phone cause i have so many avidence of our relationship and i will send them to her and we will end up you in the prison and me murdered…therefore..shut the fuck up, shut you mouth up and you will only listen to me!!!!”..he was clearly shocked..he said “all this time u were asking me to get back together u were lying?”..and i said “of course you idiot!!! Why on earth would i want to get back together with a piece of shit like you..the only thing you have is your good looks..NOTHING ELSE…you even suck at sex!!!0”!p.s indeed he sucked at sex…he would lose his errection all the time..
P.s Some other details during these 4 months:
– he had told me that his girlfriend before this last one (meaning the one he was with from 20-23 years old) he was clearly USING her because she was a great student and she was giving him notes for the studies..she was ugly..he didnt fancy her at all and he hadn cheated on her countless times!! (at one point he was in a relationship with 3 women at the same time!!..and when i asked him why didnt he keep tha one he liked more he said “cause i wanted all of them)…but with the last girfriend of 11 years he (claimed) is a gentleman and never ever cheated on her..he had done these things as a young person but now he is a man and doesnt need to act this way..
– in the beginning he had told me they were together for 10 years..but when she came to the cafeteria she said about 11 years and when i asked him about it he said”dont u remember that i had told you that me and her had a disagreement about when our relationship started?? (which i didnt remember and till now not sure if he had ever told me this…anyways, the strange thing was that he had told me that when they had met she was with another guy and he stole her from him and that the first year of their relationship they had to keep it a secret because they were all going at the same school with his previous girl and because he is so sensitive he didnt want to break his exes heart..so him and the other girl were for 1 year undercover (he used that argument so that we can keep our relationship secret from fb..so that he doesnt add my fake account, or post pictures or even delete her…cause he wanted to protect her feelings…and therefore she had done it then, i should do the same thing)…from the years i add in my mind i have come to the conclusion that she was his affair for a year and that is why they kept it secret for a year..but even if that was the case i told him that she could accept it cause they were all meeting at the same room and she could see that you werent with your ex..but how could i trust him if i couldnt see him..meaning that not hurting her feelings was the reason to keep it a secret…and i also told him that when she asked you a year on you relationshipto stop talking to your ex you did it! But now that i ask you the same thing you dont! And he said..well she asked me a year later!! We’ve only been together for some months…Mind, that he has his previous ex on fb still!!!!
So that was our last interaction..last thing i told him was “if we ever step on each other on the road pretend that you didnt see me and i will do the same thing!!”…
My hurt was that he didnt try to woo me back while he was begging her (i dont know what was he telling her but how could she give him a chance again if he was poleading her…i couoldnt give a chance cause he never asked for one..or was it that he is making us feel bad so that we beg him back???)
After that one last phonecall i didnt contct him again EVER (i would check his fb page and 2 months later (on May) they both posted a picture of them in London and people telling them how cute they r etc.) for 9 months…
17th of December i saw him at the train station (first time after all these months)…i was shocked!My heart bit so fast!! I felt like i saw a celebrity!..i pretended i didnt see him…went in front of him and stood there waiting for the train..and he went into the same wagon with me..we didnt speak..he didnt approach me, i didnt approach him (we even avoided eye contact)…
Next day i emailed him and told him : “Last night i was there and saw you..i thought to come and say hello but wasnt sure if i wanted to, i didnt want to make you feel awkward, i wasnt sure if i was feeling still hostile towards you..today i thought about it and came to this conclusion..yes you screwed everything up, yes i despised you for a long time, until i met you i thought that i had heartbreaks but after your story i realised that i had no idea what it is actually to someone truly hurt you, yes i reacted as a human BUT i was feeling bad for they way i spoke to you on my last phone, for taking revenge, for trying to hurt you back so that you feel how it is to be hurt..no matter what you had done to me i shouldnt have reacted this way, i shouldnt answer back to you with hate..and why i came to this conclusion?? Because i dont know your life, your experiences, your wounds…and for these reasons i am not in a position to judge and condemn someone elses actions..Therefore, the only thing i can control and judge whether is right or wrong is myself and my actions..For all this, im asking sorry for my last phone call and i take back all the bad things i told you and with as most conscious heart as i can have i wish blessings to you and your family…p.s answering to meanness with meanness, the only thing it does is to multiply the hate and the wounds and it works like a virus that spreads and contaminates everyone that touches it and i dont want to participate in this never ending bad circle, and if i have participated, i want to fix it..sorry…”
and he answered me back: “Hello…that you for the wishes and i wish you the same…i am asking too sorry from you by the things i did that hurt you…believe me…this wasnt my intention..i didnt want this to happen..i wish you a happy life..”
His answer devastated me more..he showed that he is human..he asked sorry but he is completely going on with his life..he doesnt care…how can he so easily wish me a happy life while he wanted to live a happy life with me in it?? His answer showed me that he learned from his mistake, that i made him realise how stupid he was to ever risk loosing this woman and now he is a changed man that doesnt want me to ruin them ever again..that i made him realise that she is the one he wanted from the start!
Two weeks later (new years eve) i was speaking to a client of mine and talking about basketball and the team he is playing and asked him if he new my ex’s team..and he did..and asked me why was i asking and if i knew anyone from that team..and i said…well yeah..i know this man..he is my ex..and this guy then said..a ha!!!! Now i understand!!! Vicky, in the beginning of December my team was playing against his team (i didnt know who he was and at that time i couldnt understand why he was asking me these questions but now that you told me that you two were together i understand why..)…at some point he came close to my client (p.s my ex was coming to my shop A LOT and he great at remembering faces) and asked him whether he is from this neighborhoud and this guy said yes..
– and do you know all the netcafes in this area??
– Yeah i know most of them
– do you know battlenet?
-Yeah!! Of course..its like my second house!!
– Do you know the people that work there?
– Of course..i know Akis
– do you know a girld with BLACK SHORT hair (note that i am the only girl with black hair& also am the owner of the shop..it is me and a blond girl working for me BUT i have black LONG hair)?
– hM..NO…
– Do you know Electra? (the girld with the blond hair)
– Yeah i do know her!
– And what about the owner of the shop (in Greek when we use an adjective it is different when it is refering to a male or female..and he used the adjective refering to a MALE owner!!)
– Emm…i know him BUT he is gone for years..i know his sister though who is running the business..why?? do you know her???
– Its a big story!!! (and he left)
I was with a sociopath for over five years. He exhibited all the typical traits (however, I didn’t know it then). He lied about how his parents died, how old he was, told me he had a dog that was really his best friend’s dog (and even faked grief when the dog had to be put down), he said he had a car in another region (this was in Spain) and that he grew up in a different region of Spain (when he really grew up in the town where we met and lived). Those were just the lies that began the relationship. By the way, I didn’t find out the truth about any of these lies from him. His parents (really his aunt and uncle) told me after he decided to introduce them to me after we had been together for 2.5 years.
He loved bombed me. We were physical all the time and everywhere. He would write me several times a day and I was with him constantly. However, I realized early on there was a double standard- he had the right to completely disappear but if I didn’t answer my phone or texts he wanted to break up with me. He also had me confused about what he wanted. Sometimes he would be extremely loving and other times very annoyed. I felt like he wanted me to read his mind.
I also remember him staring at me excessively. It made me nervous but I just chalked it up to love and that he made me nervous because I liked him so much. But now I realize he was examining me. I couldn’t even hold a straight face sometimes because it was so unnerving. We, ironically, had a little joke about it.
One day early on in our relationship he locked me inside his house (the doors in Spain require a key to unlock them from the inside). I waited for him all day. His roommate came home first and was both surprised and bewildered at what had happened. He suggested we go get something to eat, so I went, thinking it was normal. When my boyfriend got off work he was furious that I had left the house and actually asked me how I got out.
He also kicked me out of his house a few times in the middle of the night. Each time we had been drinking and I said something that was too frank for his liking and he told me to leave. I had never dealt with someone like him before, I didn’t realize I had to speak to him differently than other people, I had to learn. Another time, I asked him to hold my wallet while I was trying to fish something out of my bag- without saying a word, he simply walked out of the shop and left. I didn’t even know what had happened until about 5 minutes later when he called me screaming about how I had talked to him like a slave.
Most of my birthdays were horrible with him. The first one, we got into a fight when we were out having drinks and due to that refused to go to my birthday dinner the next following day with my friends (he also couldn’t even write me a nice note or anything, I didn’t really expect a present since he was unemployed but I thought he might put a little thought into a note). The next year he was also recently unemployed, so again I didn’t expect anything but I thought he could write me a note or a card… nothing. On top of that, I suggested that we go out to a specific restaurant and I would pay. He told me that he didn’t want to go to that restaurant and if I was going there then he didn’t want to go. So that year he chose the restaurant and I paid. Then the year after that he had to have surgery and I spent my birthday and the days around it sleeping in a hospital chair next to his bed (because I loved him and wanted to be by his side).
He would regularly get mad or irritated with me and cause huge fights. Every time we fought he wanted to break up. Sometimes the fights would last days. Then he would all of a sudden change his mind and act like everything was fine. I usually felt traumatized. Every time he would pull this he would say, “I don’t want you anymore, you’re not the one that I chose anymore.”
It got to the point where I equated fighting with him to breaking up and emotional trauma; so I would walk on eggshells not to cause fights. I also wouldn’t confront him about his shady and suspicious behavior because I didn’t want to cause waves. Even though he would attack me and put me through hell if I went out with friends he didn’t like.
I also noticed early on that he would take advantage of situations to get what he wanted. He stole glasses from the restaurant where he worked. He would also steal produce from the supermarket. In Spain you weigh the produce yourself and put a sticker on the bag for the cashier to scan. He would weigh one tomato, print the sticker and then proceed to fill up the bag. He only got caught doing this once. He also would cheat when we were playing poker with our friends. He didn’t ALWAYS win but he did often. Finally, later in our relationship when he got a more serious job, he started stealing copper wire from his own construction sites, selling it and pocketing the money. He would then file false reports to the company stating it had been stolen.
Then there were all of the cases of infidelity. Once he got a job he had actually studied for, he first got hired for a company that sent him to live in Poland. While he was there he used internet dating websites to meet people and carried out several affairs. I found out about four girls- but I know there were more. One girl was genuinely hurt and said that he had simply disappeared from her life. While in Poland, he got a DUI (he drove drunk and continues to drive drunk all the time). Due to the DUI and crashing a mercedes rental car, he was fired from that job. When he left Poland because of it, he just left his messes there without a care in the world.
Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about his affairs in Poland until several months after he had returned to Spain. During that time, he had been unemployed and we had spent a lot of time together. We were really strong again as a couple (or so I thought); so I decided to give us a second chance.
All the while, he would fluctuate from being kind and generous to cold, distant and condescending. He told me once that I couldn’t disagree with opinions, that that’s not how opinions work (when I was disagreeing with him about something)!! I told him that I had a different understanding of the word opinion then and I disagreed with that as well.
After several months of being unemployed he got a new job. He was in Spain, in the beginning, but in a different region. I traveled every weekend to be with him and paid for it myself. He was extremely into shopping and we would go on all day shopping sprees to Barcelona. He knew I was spending my disposable income on visiting him but he didn’t offer to help nor did he ever offer to buy me anything. He would spend thousands of euros on himself and didn’t understand why I wasn’t having a good time.
In May of 2013 he was sent to work in Brazil. As you can imagine, I was devastated but he assured me that we would make it work and that I would go visit him and he would come home regularly. We also decided that year to get pareja de hecho, which is like a civil union, and move into an apartment together. All seemed like it was coming together, slowly and with the distance in the way, but it felt like we were making progress and that eventually we would be together.
The following year his company offered to expatriate him and I could go with him to live in Brazil. I was over the moon, all the waiting and hoping looked like it was finally going to come to an end. Sure, he was difficult to deal with but that was just the distance, right? It was just the tension from being apart… I thought this was going to change everything.
Little did I know that around Christmas 2014 he began internet dating again. I could see that he started treating me differently. He started disappearing again. He would be difficult to get on the phone. He would call and say, “I love you and miss you. You’re the most important thing in my life. I wish you were here.” Then I would start to talk and tell him about my day and ask him questions and he would say, “I have to go now, baby. Meeting the guys for dinner and I have to shower. Talk to you later.” He usually wouldn’t call again. I would sometimes get a few texts throughout the night but other times nothing.
I became very suspicious of him. He started taking several selfies everyday. He wouldn’t leave his phone in the room with me alone. He would turn his phone upside down so I couldn’t see what messages were coming in. He became extremely anxious and was always moving and wanted to wake up early on my days off to get ready to do nothing. It was really weird. He wouldn’t talk to me about his feelings or what he was thinking- ever. Yet, he was obsessed with what I was thinking and feeling, constantly. It became exhausting because if I wasn’t sitting and watching TV or riding in the car with a smile on my face he assumed I was sad, angry or unsatisfied. He would press me about why I was making a certain face that I didn’t even realize I was making.
Nonetheless, we went ahead and left our apartment in Spain, packed up the furniture and other knick-knacks that we weren’t taking to Brazil and put them into a storage unit. We decided to go to the USA after that so that he could finally meet my family and see where I was from. Btw, NO, he had never been to see where I was from and meet my family, even though he was invited every year.
Around this time we also started seriously talking about getting married. He said in the USA we would look at wedding rings. We never did and any time I brought it up he would say, “What are you trying to tell me,” as if that needed further explanation.
After our trip in the USA, he suggested that I stay longer to spend time with my family. I thought it was a good idea since for the last six years I had only gone home once a year for a couple of weeks at a time. However, he started dragging his feet about finally bringing me to Brazil. He kept making up excuses to keep me in the USA. I ended up staying for almost two extra months.
By the time I got to Brazil, we already had another trip planned to go to Spain that was only 10 days away. During those 10 days we moved into “our” apartment that I had helped him pick out virtually on the internet. I had been to Brazil many times before to visit him but it felt strange saying that I lived there when I was staying less time than previous trips I had taken.
We went to Spain and the purpose of the trip was to get our residency visas. Of course, his was ready first and he left me in Spain, at his parents house. I stayed there an extra 3.5 weeks waiting for my visa. It was actually ready before that but he had his company purchase me a ticket further out, just in case.
That time I was in Brazil for only 2 days! One of those days we went to get my residency card. The next day we flew to the USA to spend Christmas with my family. Yet again, he went on massive shopping sprees and didn’t offer me a thing. This time I was unemployed and I was because he had wanted me to move to Brazil. I told him a few things I would like for Christmas but instead he gave me money, 500 euros, so I could have “freedom” during our new life in Brazil. He actually said to me, “don’t spend this on one of those things you told me that you want.”
This time, again, he left before me and kept me in the USA three weeks longer. When it came close to when I was supposed to fly to Brazil, finally to live, he extended my “trip” by 10 more days. I was frustrated and devastated. He made up lies to explain why it was better for me that way; the same as before.
When I finally got to Brazil everything seemed great. I started to settle into the house and we had a mini vacation planned for Carnival. Originally he had promised we would go to Rio but in the end decided to go to a quieter, cheaper place that was more like a paradise (the real reason for this will come out later). On our first day of vacation he all of a sudden started acting visibly anxious. I kept asking him what was wrong but he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. Finally, he started saying that he wanted me to be more independent and to have my own life! I had only been there 2 days!! I hadn’t even really been with him that much in the months prior to that because he had me waiting in the USA then Spain and then the USA again.
He made up this huge story that he wanted me to pursue my dreams and it was impossible for me to do that following him around. I was beside myself. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. He wouldn’t even come out and say what he wanted because he was trying to manipulate me into volunteering to leave and go to either Spain or the USA. I told him that I knew that he was trying to manipulate me into thinking it was my decison and he said, “that’s why I love you, you’re so smart, that’s not what’s happening- but maybe you have given us an answer.”
He told his parents and sister the same lie. He said it was going to be better for us in the long run and we could do the long distance again since we had done it before. This was someone I had quit my job for, moved to another continent for, and waited more than six months to get to this point. I was furious. I was angry he even had me get on the airplane.
He then bought me an airplane ticket to go back to the USA the coming Friday. Less than a week after I had arrived. You have to also understand that I never planned on going back to the USA, ever. I had been living in Europe for more than 6 years. I didn’t have a house, a car, a plan, nothing- and the worst part was, I told him that and he didn’t care. He said the sooner I start my life, the better for the two of us and for our relationship. He even said that he would plan on moving to the USA to work within the year.
In the days before leaving, he flip flopped between me staying and me going. One minute it was one decision, the next the opposite. Finally, Friday rolled around and I left. Something told me it was what I needed to do. That was the worst travel day of my life. Alone, four giant suitcases with a stopover in Mexico City. I cried the entire way, people must have thought I was nuts.
As soon as I got to the USA, he wanted me to come back. But there was something that didn’t add up about his story. I knew he was cheating and he wouldn’t admit to it. There had actually been clues along the way, a girl calling him but he claimed it was his boss- totally wasn’t. Lipstick on the neck of one of his polos (yes, that cliche). A girl with the same name as the one who had called, liked all of his instagram pics from California, and she was in Sao Paulo, Brazil. He also told me a story when I first arrived at the apartment that he thought the cleaning lady was using our shower and that would explain any long, curly, dark hairs I may find….
I confronted him about it when he came up with this story and his reasoning for sending me home. I pulled up her instagram and asked if she was why I had to leave. He told me he had never seen that girl before and even said that she looked manly. But when I said that it wouldn’t do any harm if I messaged her he freaked out and kept saying I shouldn’t because I don’t want to look like I’m crazy. hahaha
Well after I got back to the USA, I did a little investigation on his icloud. There were no pictures of her but there were screen shots of reservations in her name. He had gone on vacation with her while I was at his parent’s house in Spain. He made me wait extra time and used his parents to get what he wanted! Then less than three days later he was with my family in California celebrating Christmas with us.
I messaged the girl and she told me everything I didn’t want to hear. She had a key to my apartment, he had told her that we had broken up and he even told her that I would show up places uninvited. He admitted to her that I had been in Brazil for Carnival but I went there without his previous knowledge and then I followed him and a friend to the town where he took me for vacation (just to clarify no one went with us on vacation). I also found out that he gave her a Christmas present, a bottle of the same perfume that I wear and chocolates my mom had given ME for christmas in my stocking. Yes, he took my Christmas stocking chocolates and then gave them to his Brazilian girlfriend.
Of course, she was probably lied to as well but it was difficult to believe either of them because she did lie about some times she was with him because I was actually with him on those dates.
After the shit hit the fan, he actually bought me an airplane ticket to go back to Brazil for the following day. I couldn’t in good conscience go. I just couldn’t manage to get on the airplane. I felt so betrayed.
Now, a part of me still wants him back. We are still in communication but usually it just makes me frustrated to talk to him. I feel like he isn’t giving me what I want or need and he doesn’t even try to. Since I didn’t get on the airplane to go back he has been rather cold to me and doesn’t want to talk about what happened anymore at all. Even though we aren’t a couple, he still wants to bullshit about little things but I’m devastated and this event is painting my world, everyday. It’s impossible to not talk and think about it.
Starting three days after I found out about the girlfriend, he started asking me when I was going to forget about this and move on. That this wasn’t fair to him. THIS WASN’T FAIR TO HIM???????? Since then he has also told me how free he feels now the truth is out and everyone knows, he feels good. Oh and that he has learned so much from this situation that he will know how to treat his next girlfriend like a real princess.
His family now knows the truth and they are furious with him. My family hates him and feels used. He started talking to this girl on Tinder way back in last May; before he even came to meet my family for the first time. My aunt and best friend are telling me that he’s a textbook sociopath- but a part of me just can’t break away.
Sorry this entry is so long. There is even more to the story but I didn’t think it needed to be a book. I just wanted to make sure it is clear that he definitely is a sociopath and not just a philanderer.
Thank you for taking your time to share your story Morgan
Thank you positivagirl. I just want to make sure if that he was really a sociopath…sometimes I second guess myself, like always with him. It’s really hard and I feel like I lost my whole life. I had to move to another country, I’m looking for a new job and I’m almost 31 and livin with my dad.
I broke no contact today, just to be severely ignored. I called and emailed… No answer, no reply. Why are they so cold and hurtful?! I’ll go back to no contact. It’s like I never existed or mattered to him p I just really miss him!!!
CindyT, I think it’s their system of control. You were never nothing to him. You are someone, not only to him but to a lot of people. I understand your pain, completely. He is missing a very human component in life and instead of trying to obtain closure, for me, I try to focus on that part. He is missing out on something that all of us here feel and is integral to any relationship. He missed the best in you and anyone else he ever meets- because he’s missing part of himself.
Morgan that was really well said!
Excellent comment thank you Morgan!
Ugh and now you know why the nc rule is there? Never mind it is like taking a cigarette when you had quit. You might feel disappointed in yourself but don’t dwell on it. Get back up and keep going. You feeling bad is what he intends for you to feel. You can do this and read the post ‘how to get your feelings out without breaking no contact’
Yes, it was like ” falling off the wagon” bi called and emailed him excessedly!! With everyone hoping he would answer or reply but deep down knowing that he won’t. I’m sure it gave him a huge ego boost!!! I’m realizing that it’s a part of a game. Friday night he emailed me stating that he deleted my number from his phone, if I wanted to talk/text I need to send it, I sent my number via email on Sunday I think. No communication from him. I started emailing him Sunday night, then Monday morning. I quickly became frustrated, then hurt and angry because he wouldn’t reply. Why tell me to send you my number? I get it… It’s a game. Since I had already broken ” no contact” I decided to express everything that I wanted to say to him. Of course he’s read that and ignored it. My ex used to briefly give me the silent treatment when things went bad, but he would always give in. This time is different… And I’m sure it’s because he’s fully moved on with someone else. It hurts. I was desperately in love with him and genuinely cared about him. He wasn’t abusive like some of these stories that I’ve read. He was actually very sweet and seemed caring. He frequently told me that he cared about me., although the words often didn’t match the actions. I miss what we had ( or I thought we had ). I miss that magical feeling that I got when I was with him or communicating with him. I don’t miss the lies, deceit and broken promises. I’m chalking it up to a temporary set back, I’m not as vulnerable as I was. I will press on. Good days and bad ones.
Hi positivagirl is it working now?
Does anyone else look at some of these stories and think “why did they put up with that?” Then realise we did it ourselves. Why is it so easy to see the logic in someone elses story but not your own 😦
Because there isn’t the emotional attachment. It is the emotional attachment that makes us easier to manipulate. They are clever. In the beginning they didn’t show their worst side. Otherwise unless you were desperate you would have kicked them to the kerb. Instead they be the person you have spent all of your life looking for. Then you give it a bit more time, think it is just a temporary bad thing, think you will get over this, think that we can sort this out, think this is just a run of bad luck. As you saw good before right?
I totally agree, my ex wasn’t only abusive and a liar. He did follow through with some promises. We got a civil union, moved into an apartment and went on many, many wonderful trips together. He was also very different in the beginning, gave me massages, pedicures, did special things for me and wrote handwritten love notes. He just started doing those things less and less. He also started criticizing, even during high points in the relationship and would pepper the conversation with crazy. I always thought it would change and we would go back to the honeymoon days. Sometimes we did, but not for good. I’m sure all of you have had the same type of experience; a roller coaster relationship.
Yes absolutely Morgan!
It’s not logical to be with these people. Yet we can all stumble into their web & feel their ‘pain’. I endured two years of manipulation, the beginning was perfect, then it was boring ultimately abusive. I encountered a second one recently, I went for one dinner with him & he began to argue with me about us having a relationship. When I said no “you are not a bit pushy” he spoke to me for over an hour until I agreed he wasn’t pushy. He then psychoanalysed me and told me I must be insecure. I agreed and everything he said & that was that. My detector is working really well since my horror story and there is never a benefit of doubt these days.
I hope you didn’t go back to him Lucy!
At least this guy was a little more honest up front and showed him your colors right away, Lucy!
That’s all we can really do, learn! I love how you recognized it so quickly. I’m not kidding, it seems like over half of the new people I meet are like this. It’s scary.
I had to Re read that post to see if it was one of mine :)) I keep breaking nc but now I seem to be a bit stronger.
I’m with you – I just literally cannot get how they can say the most amazing things and, for me, be there every day for 5 years!!! And then turn around and treat me like I’m a leper!!! It’s so hurtful!!!!
But stay strong. It honestly gets better but you have to accept that they are mentally unstable and the things they said (whst we think was the ‘real them ‘ was actually their best performance
I can’t seem to get over that sociopath didn’t want to spend any real quality time with me. He lied every weekend, for 9 months. Elaborate lies. I just don’t understand. We were together a lot, mostly sleepovers. Please someone explain to me why? I feel like ” what did he think was wrong with me”? 😞 During the discard he apologized for hurting me and admitted he lied to me for months… But he didn’t spend time with me because he didn’t want to.
I am sorry to have to say this but, he was using you. Had he wanted to invest time in you he would have but not because he really cared. It’s all so sad and unnecessary to healthy people because we value people and their feelings but, sociopaths don’t value anyone and, they don’t really care if they hurt you because they don’t feel emotional pain and they don’t fully grasp the damage they do and don’t really give a care anyway.
Oh Cindy I know whst you mean. I had the exact same thing from my sp
😥😢😢😢😪😪😪
It’s not us, it’s them. They aren’t stable. I lost 5 yrs of my life only to find out he Waa on dating sites and I was calling him a wrong name as he lied from the very first day
I feel like I will never recover from this. Why keep me around for 9 months for sex? While telling me everyday that he cared? I just don’t understand. I’m beautiful, intelligent, great personality, etc. what did he find wrong with me that he didn’t want to give me his time other than sex?!
It isn’t you or any reflection on you. They do the same to everybody. They use people. .they do this to every person that they meet. Lie to them about them and use them for their own benefit. This isn’t you or your fault.
It’s so hard to really understand this, but it has nothing to do with you. A normal person will meet you, either like you enough for a rship, or not like you that way and will not bait you like that
These aren’t normal people!!!
They use others, they enjoy the game, they lie UNCONTROLLABLY!!
It’s not ypu or anything lacking in you.
The prettier, more intelligent, spiritual, the better. They are about ruining lives and if they perceive you are better than them, and you are, they are going to break you. They are full of envy, anger and all things evil. Try to be grateful he’s gone. Believe me I have felt as you do and to a certain extent still feel bad…how could he discard me as he did? Easily as he does not care period for anyone. The new girl toy in his life will get the same OR worse. I think they get worse with every victim. You will feel better one day but it will take time. He did not deserve you.
I think you are right Julie, I think that they do get worse with each victim. I spoke to 2 before me. Then I knew of 2 after me. They get no better over time.
They are so fragmented from portraying so many false personalities that sooner or later they fall apart. I witnessed mine demonstrating more and more mental illness and , self medicating with alcohol. I expect him to completely melt down before he is through. It’s a scary thought as to what he might be capable of doing…