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Hi… This is really hard for me to do. I’ve never reached out on a online place to get advice but I SERIOUSLY need help. I don’t know what to do anymore and I was scared to post this with a chance of being found out on seeking help on this site.
So.. here’s my story and any advice will be AMAZING.
I’ve been dating this guy for over a year almost a year and a half. Everythings been going great till 5 months or so ago. He is a sociopath, he told me right in the beginning.. I accepted it and learned to look past those traits and fell in love with him as a whole. But… now I don’t think I can handle his sociopath traits anymore they are getting out of control. He’s been really secretive lately and has been acting weird for the past 5 or so months. So, I made a alt account on fb to snoop around and found out he’s been seeing someone else for 5 months! I was horrified and hurt and couldn’t stop shaking and stupid me sent him the message of the screen shot of proof I got from my alt account on Facebook and he totally denied it and flipped out on me. I really do love him, he’s a good person not like most sociopaths I had chance encounters with. That’s why I took the risk and fell for him in the first place… I don’t want to loose him but his behavior lately has got me all frazzled and a nervous wreck.
What should I do? Is it time to leave and wish him well and start healing the damage he’s done to me and move on? Please help. I’m scared of doing any wrong move… he’s not the type to piss off at all.
Apologies, I have only just seen your message. First of all, how do you know that he is a sociopath? Does he have a diagnosis?
Someone cheating, or acting off because they are cheating, is not diagnosis for a sociopath? The sociopath in my life, didn’t cheat. At least not with women anyway. I am just wondering what else has happened, for you to think that he is a sociopath?
It’s totally fine, I know you’re a busy person no need to apologize.. ^^;.
Well, I know he is a sociopath because, He told me himself in the first few weeks of dating and his therapist/psychiatrist said he had a lot of the traits and characteristics of one on top of having bipolar disorder (depressive type). He is very stable in life nonetheless. To answer your first few questions.
As far as the cheating part… well I was kinda hoping I could get help from you or any other well experienced people with encounters with sociopaths to help me figure out how to handle the situation in a proper manner that won’t set him off (Just learned I may be pregnant with his child)… As far as the last question, well I think the first paragraph answers that as best as I can… can’t think of much else to include. Oh wait! He has been lying about a lot of stuff concerning his job and on the other woman to try and cover his ass. But I picked up on it and pieced it together over a few weeks. Which in turn means he’s manipulating me. Okay, now I’m done with listing all the things.
Well, I look forward to hearing from you with any advice.
Hi Rin, ok, well first of all, there are appearingly ‘good’ types. But I want you to know, that this simply means that they are good at hiding behind the mask. What i have learned is that the longer that you are with them, the worst they become. At first they might try to seduce you, and love bomb you (see this post https://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/cunning-and-manipulative/i-love-you/seducing-and-love-bombing/ So, what you saw as the ‘nice guy’ is just him mirroring the ‘nice you’. THey focus on your weaknesses, by asking questions and seeing what your responses are to those questions. yes they manipulate you. How are you feeling and how do you feel about the pregnancy?
What you just said makes a lot of sense about my boyfriend. Minus the extremity of the love bombing. He definitely did the whole seduce me and sweep me off my feet motion in the beginning with a small amount of love bombing. He definitely is starting to look more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing now. Can’t believe he would cheat on me, and manipulate me like this… He said he had control or a hold on his sociopath tendencies for the most part.
Well, I’m feeling a bit violated right now more so in a emotional and psychological factor and its as if my whole being feels dirty now with the other woman in the picture… as far as the pregnancy I’m scared… I can’t support myself yet in any way. He’s the one who’s financially and seemingly psychologically stable, when I’m neither.
Do you have a support network around you rin?
I don’t know of any support networks near me concerning sociopaths. I go to therapy twice a month and am considering starting the group sessions.. as far as personal support that’s kinda up in the air as of right now. If that answers your question…
What about family and friends? Or has he isolated you from those people? They do this, to make you dependent on them. Leading you to believe that you are the love of their life’…. and special. How many weeks pregnant are you?
Well, I do have family and friends but I have no idea if they will support me after knowing he’s a sociopath…. but I just spoke to his ex and found out even more traumatizing information about him… I’m not the first he’s done this too. *Sigh* I feel sick to my stomach. I have no idea how to handle this. Like what to say to him now or get him to fess up If that’s possible. Should I warn the other woman about him?
Also, the pregnancy was a false alarm.. found out today. Thank god…
Well the good news, is that you are NOT pregnant. This is one thing, as now you can focus on you.
Your head might be spinning right now as the truth comes to the surface. it can be difficult to take it all in and to register. I understand this feeling sick to your stomach. How do you comprehend that you were in love with ‘a lie’….. as the love is still there….. but the person you thought that you were in love with, didn’t really exist.
Forget getting him to own up. He rarely would do that. Only time he would EVER do this, and this would only be a ruse to use you some more, is if trust was broken and he wanted more from you, rarely he would admit to the lie, he would protect the lie over your feelings.
Take ONE day at a time, just one day at a time. Remember that every day you are away, is another day at you can heal. Hook up with old friends, people who really care about you. You don’t have to tell them he is a sociopath, why do you have to tell them? Just say he has hurt you and not treated you right. That is all you need to say. You deserve support you are not responsible for his actions, he is.
Yes, It is good news that I am not pregnant. Maybe the only time I’ll be happy finding that news out in my life. Thank the Lord’s 8 can focus on myself now and not worry about that situation and soon him.
Well, yes my head is spinning from the truth. It is definitely a difficult pill to swallow. Also feeling angry as hell, disgusted with some other stuff I learned, and struggling to keep on my normal calm and collected manner. I also feel completely violated… All I want to do as of right now is listen to my rage and yell, sream, and have a total fit all while crying asking him why he would do this to me.
I actually want him to fess up so I can have complete closure, so I can move on from him without that added baggage for someone new to deal with later on in my life. I know it’s highly unlikely he will fess up but if there was a way, I’d love to know on how to go about it…
I already told him I don’t wanna see him this week, told him I needed time to think about “us”. I will take your words to my heart once it’s all over to remember one day at a time. That is true… Ill just tell them the truth minus the sociopath part. All I know is he’s the biggest jerks I’ve ever dated and I’ve had lots of crappy relationships but he’s the worst!
Although, you didn’t answer me on if I should warn the other woman about him… please let me know on that matter.
As the relationship has just ended, you could warn her. It would plant those seeds which might help her at a future date. However, be aware that 1. It will make you seem crazy (as he has already covered that one and said you are) 2. She wont believe you, as she is now emotionally invested and won’t WANT it to be true 3. This will make him seem (to her) like a prize catch and that you are going to this effort as you are jealous and want him back, which makes him look more desirable than he actually is (and he will play on this too).
Can you do no contact for one week? (two months is better) – but one week, then review it at the end of the week? I am not going to lie to you and say it won’t be painful. It is painful, but you are not alone. There are so many of us, and you know once you heal and get over the addiction of him – you will look back. Let out the darkness of him, and it will allow back in the sunshine of you!! x
Leave as soon as possible. Get rid of your phone computer and car. Change your name. I have been. Stalked for over 10 years. Now it is cyber stalking bugging my home, using a mic to interrupt my sleep, damaging my reputation causing me lost of jobs. I have asked for help with law but it gets complicated esp when you move. If I could find a way to stop him I surely would but I can’t even ask a question on this site as it was frozen to me. Warning you no good will come from trying to work it out.
No way out
I have 2 questions
1- I have gotten a divorce from my sociopath 1 year ago and in the meantime have read as much as I could about the pathology and followed group for victims online… I am wondering how long is it useful to do that as every time I receive a notification that something was posted I read it and I get angry again, it just keeps on reminding me that I am just another victim and that depresses me… should I stop reading about it so it doesn’t constantly awake the anger… I have no pain only anger and thirst for revenge that is impossible which leads me to frustration
2- I contacted me ex’s ex wife (he was of course married before) their marriage lasted 14 years, he told me that she cheated and fucked it up…of course I know now it is a lie. I suspect my ex husband has always kept contact with her even if they have no kids and live in different countries now so I thought she probably doesn’t know what he is. I reached out to her through FB after my divorce to let her know but she was freaked out that I reached out and asked me no to as our ex would get really mad. It confirmed that she was both not aware he is a sociopath and that he still have influence on her… she might even still hope he will come back to her. I am sure 14 years with that man controlling her mind would not be resolved easily but they are now separated for 7 years… what can be done to help her? I thought I would just sent her a link to an article about sociopaths and let her figure it out herself… was that a bad idea? He has hurt so many women!!
I know what you mean mims, I think that there comes a time, when you don’t want to be either a victim or a survivor, you just want to be normal. I have got to that stage too. I plan to do some writing on the process victim/survivor/normal, how and why some people find it easier to process and move on, and why some people get stuck. I think ultimately, you need to do whatever is right for you.
My ex, told me a pack of lies about his exes too. He told me that she had cheated (not true), other one he said she was crazy psycho (not true).
Maybe she doesn’t know the language of what he is. But you can see that she clearly still has fear for him. For her to react the way that she did. To say no, and that he would be angry. This is living in fear and putting his needs first. Something that they condition us to do. You are right, I think he does still have an influence on her. But – you don’t know what lies he has been telling her.
No, I don’t think that what you did was a bad idea. You were trying to help her. She might start to see the truth. Ultimately the choice has to be down to her. Often we do not want to see the truth, living with the lie is far less painful. Or maybe she did know and denied it to herself for so long, that it is now difficult for her to face the reality.
Positivagirl, can you explain in further detail on your thoughts about notifying the sociopaths other women with whom they are involved…. I recall reading in one of the posts, not to notify the new girlfriend?
I would have LOVED for one of his few friends, coworkers, girlfriends/ex girlfriends, escorts, neighbors, family members ANYONE to have dropped me a hint! An anonymous email would have been acceptable! Ha!
Really? I was told, and when I was told, I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. Actually someone else saying this just reinforced the idea that he was a good catch? As otherwise why would other women make so much effort? As often at this point (depends where it is at) new source hasn’t even seen a bad side, as the bad is hidden and behind her back. What I found (I experienced this twice) was that it reinforced also the lies that the he said about the ex and that she was crazy – so made his facade more believable. The only thing good for it, that I can see, is where it does plant the seeds into the person, so that later down the line, they can see the truth for themselves, and possibly see the truth faster than they otherwise would. But – would someone leave? If they hadn’t seen anything bad? When they were emotionally invested? No I don’t think so. Besides….. it keeps you tied to him, and could cause more carnage.
Also, it breaks no contact for you. It keeps you playing the game. They love the attention. He would love the attention and would ‘say ‘see I told you she was crazy, she is obsessed with me’.
You would have thought that over our 7 year relationship, someone, somehow would have said something. I’m not suggesting that they diagnose him a ‘Sociopath’ but a red flag or two thrown my way would have been nice!
They could have chosen from hundreds of things…. Such as.., he tends to LIE So don’t believe everything he says until you’ve checked it out for yourself… Or he has HERPES… Or he silently dabbles in the pornography industry… Check out adult friend finder, I think you’ll see his profile looking for one night stands… I got nothing!
Oh wait.., I got an STD and a broken heart.
I know what you are saying. I was told he was a liar and a thief i didnt believe he was a thief and thought she was lying. By then i was emotionally invested. After all i had seen no evidence of thieving although i had lying. The truth is, often we find it easier to believe the lie. So no matter what she said it didnt make a difference. I even went as far as to think well…. Its because he didnt love you he already told me how crazy you are. Our relationship is different. But yes specifics if it could be verified and backed up? Perhaps? Usually often couple will stay together (they are pathological liars remember) so if she said check dating website when he told you, that omg cant believe she created a profile to split us up? I love you. Which would you choose? The pain of the ex, or the reassurance its not true and that she really is crazy by the person you love and feel emotionally invested in? I wrote a post about this almost 2 years ago. Has a picture of the magician tarot card on it…. When faced with two truths its natural to choose the truth that will cause us the least amount of pain.
In the instances you gave he would say she had set him up. Look how obsessed she is with me? Reinforcing the lies he has already told you..
I had a five year relationship and the thing with sociopaths is that even if you are warned or hear something, they are experts of persuasion and have an explanation/excuse/reason for EVERYTHING! And if you’re like me, why wouldn’t you believe it, because you assume they’re telling you the truth because you tell the truth. I let him come back seven times over the last year since he moved out. I am 23 days into no contact again, and I still hurt and miss him every day. I have to work hard to retrain myself Andy thinking. I came across a quote the other day that hit home. This a description of most of the people I read about on here, and my sp.
“The devil doesn’t come to you dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you’ve ever wished for. “
Great quotation at the end and so very true!!
After a 12 year relationship with seven of them married I can vouch for believing anything they say. After months or therapy I not only learned what my wife was but that I was also a codependent. The perfect spouse for someone like my wife. It didn’t matter what she did, I believed every lie she ever told and took blame for all she did to me rather than suffer the loss of her. I always put her on a pedestal far above myself and my needs, never able to do enough to please her. It is only through an amazing therapist that I understand not only the evil wife but the codependency she was able to easily exploit. I still have many bad days and miss that person I thought she was but am thankful I’ve learned what she really is. I’m still unable to get past the hurt, abandonment and feeling she left me for dead and can only hope that day will come too.
My relationship mirrors yours Dan. It’s amazing to be out of it and step back and figure it all out……I have a great support group now, when I think about calling him, or forget all of the bad and miss the “good” I call or text my group instead. They remind of all the bad they watched him put me through.
And when I find myself missing my wife I think about the 2 stepchildren I loved and lost, all the friends that left me the same day I received the divorce papers (like she had it all coordinated) and my beloved pets I will never see again as well as every bit of my personal property she destroyed and it all hardens my heart once again. Being close to Valentine’s Day is difficult.
I totally understand that! He had three children….two who closely resembled his behavior and lied all the time….they walked away like nothing happened and they didn’t care. He had a daughter who didn’t display any sp characteristics, and she was tore up about the relationship ending, as were my children. It’s amazing how “they” can’t feel the things that weigh so heavy on us. . . the last time I spoke to him I told him that he caused all this pain for so many people, and he would never feel any of it….just doesn’t seem fair.
I completely agree and can see several ways a warning could go. If you were told that your guy was a liar and a thief with attached proof from an anonymous source, would you have handled it differently?
Recently, I was out with male and female friends for dinner and had run into an acquaintance of mine whom I had introduced to my man 5 years prior. She is a real estate agent and of course he acted like he was interested in buying a $1 million property within the year. They exchanged business cards and she was to send him properties via email. At the time I didn’t see anything weird about it as he was planning to buy a house and she was much older and in a happy relationship. But when she noticed I was out without him, she assumed we had a short lived fling. She follows me into the bathroom going on and on about their secret relationship and dirty emails etc., saying he didn’t deserve me and he’s the type of man that will never settle down.
Ummmmm… Yeah…, Thanks for letting me know this 5 years later.!.?.!.
I feel that if I were warned, I would have started to put the pieces together much sooner than I did. I was so dumbfounded when I found out…. so many years spent in make-believe land, that I was in a hospitalized state of shock.
You have helped me beyond words can say! Your an Angel, and I thank you!!
I don’t know if my ex is a sociopath but he definitely has a problem. I dated him for 2 years we broke up around thanksgiving and I am just recently finding out he lied about so much. he’s a firefighter and told me he was a paramedic when we met then while we were dating came up with what I found out was a lie of why he got his paramedic license taken away. He was never a paramedic and this is his 3rd time in paramedic school. He told me he would drive the fire engine and he’s not qualified. Also that he was on the squad for the fire dept and he’s also not qualified for that. He made up a lot of stories about people’s lives he saved which I found out were not true. And he was also dating another girl for idk even know how long. It was a girl I asked him about several times and he said they were just friends come to find out they were dating. To my knowledge he told her we broke up long before we really did. So I don’t even know if to this day she knows about me. I had a lot of gut feelings and everytime I brought if up he would make me feel bad or like I was crazy. I also found out he’s living with her and from what I hear possibly while we were still together. We were on the same phone plan and when I got off of it they told me he would pay it a month behind everytime. He also had really bad credit and owed the irs money. We still talked after we broke up and he acted like he wasn’t sure he was over me yet. He said that if we slept with other ppl or dated that meant we’d given up hope on each other. Meanwhile he was dating this girl the entire time. And when I found out I text him and 2 weeks later he still has not responded. The hardest part for me is thinking he is different with her. That he doesn’t lie to her like he did to me. Our entire relationship he didn’t have a facebook and now he does where he says he’s in a relationship with her and posts pics of them. I messaged her last week to let her know we were still in a relationship when they started dating but have yet to hear back. We had even put a deposit down on an apt in October which he backed out of. And during this time he was dating her. I hate that he is getting away with this. Do you think he’s a sociopath or just a compulsive liar?
Hi I am unable to diagnose people here, but I can hopefully offer you some advice?
How you are feeling right now, is normal. You are processing the truth, and this can be difficult to understand, one minute they are one way (you think) and another they are quite another way?!!! So you think that this is you?
Let me tell you something, they are actors, players. Everything is a game to them. Even other people. You say that he didn’t have Facebook the entire time that he was with you. Are you sure about this, are you sure that he didn’t have you on block?
Or if he genuinely didn’t have facebook ….. well…. did it bother you, that you weren’t together as a couple and he didn’t have one?
I know it sounds stupid, but this is just the way that they are. Everything is for show and everything is to get a reaction. You see they don’t particularly care about anyone else, but themselves. I know that this is hurtful and painful, particularly when you have love for someone who pretty much doesn’t exist. You have your grief, where is his? ….it makes you feel worthless, I know, it did me too.
What you need to do, is to go no contact, block his facebook, block his number. He is doing it so that you CAN see it, to get to you. SO don’t give him the energy and the attention.
His telling you – that you shouldn’t sleep with anyone else, is again his ego and how he manipulates and controls you. it is quite sick the way that they think – but they do think this way.
Read through posts and comments, and you will see all that you are describing is common, you are not the only one. You were not stupid, and this is not a reflection on you. It is the way that he is…. and no he will not and cannot change. He will be the same with her – as he was with you, just right now he is playing a game, that is all.
He didn’t have facebook when we first met then got back on after a couple weeks. He had it for about 6 months while we were dating then about 2 weeks after we became “official” he got off of it. I am sure he just didn’t have one. How I found out he was in a relationship was I had got rid of my facebook and when he got back on he blocked all my friends but couldn’t block me so when I got back on it was the first thing I saw. I don’t think he wanted me to see it. Bc since he has made no contact with me and actually blocked me on facebook. Other than his constant lies especially about what he did at work. The fact that now he has a fb with her for all to see is hard for me to comprehend bc I feel like obviously he didn’t have one with me so he could lie so why have one when he’s with Her.
my question is: how to deal with the aftermath? I am 100% over my abuser, recently something “clicked” in my soul and he doesn’t have any residual power over me now. The final step was making sense of THE episode that had started it all = that opened my eyes on his sociopathy (he is an alpha person, has an extremely domineering personality, and was always in control of our relationship. For 2 yrs he never slipped once, while manipulating me subtly and cruelly to the point that I have forgotten many episodes, and that after breaking up with him I suffered from severe PTSD, and it has taken me 4 yrs to recover).
I basically understood that I don’t have to be perfect. That what he accused me of (only having been perfect for the first month and then slowly “rotting away”, thus making me deserve to be rejected by him) didn’t make sense at all. I am not perfect: so what? If somebody loves me, they’ll love me anyway. That’s how love works.
Banal 🙂 but not for me.
So now I am free: but I am lonely. There is this black pit of loneliness inside of me. While I am not filling it with memories and dreams of him anymore (and probably for this exact reason), the abyss is scary deep and dark. I try to be a “positiva girl”: I have gone back to college to finally study what I really like and I am full of energy, so my career is going well; I take care of myself, I wear makeup everyday, I eat well, I try to do things I enjoy as often as possible, I interact with people (even though it tires me out), I am friendly, I make new acquaintances, I go running as a form of meditation, I tell myself that I love me, I “pray” for serenity and harmony, and I know I should just stand still and observe this loneliness, this void, and fill it up with things that come from me… but it’s so hard to do so.
I am 32, not old at all, I know, but I am scared. I want to live, to love, to make love, and I try not to be impatient but it’s so hard sometimes. I also don’t want to see everybody as a potential sociopath, but this is hard too.
Yes, what I haven’t mentioned is that my ex wasn’t the only socio in my life, so I had to reset my college friendships too, for instance, plus I now live in a new city, plus my hometown is not really a place I’d gladly call home…
Aw Misa, that is tough. I also dated more than one, and each capitalised on the damage done by the previous one. 3 abusers in a row. 3 that told lies about me, and tried to ruin my name. Am still here though…. hanging in there! 🙂
Do you still have connections in your home town misa? Old friends, family etc? I am wondering if you contact them, and speak to them? As I wrote in my last comment, I also dated more than one in a row, I also had severe ptsd. So bad, I lost connection to the outside world for 3 years and emotional connection for four years. I think the key to rediscovering you, lies in your past! BEFORE you met your abusers (is this possible for you) old family and friends?
Thank you for taking the time to answer me!!!
I am blessed by a very good relationship to my mum, and I do have contact to my best friend from school, even though she lives on another continent. In my hometown I don’t have any friends, though. It’d be too long a story to tell, let’s say I used to be the odd one out. The road towards the socio was paved with covert, psychological bullism, something I only realised and recognised after I ended it with my ex and read our relationship as an abusive one.
So you see, I have a hard time trusting people, and also in college everyone is very…detached. May be it’s the times we live in but these young people are extremely cinical and cold. Not all of them, but many. This makes me feel lonely among people. Idk, I can see the calculator behind their eyes, “Will she be useful? Is it worth it investing one hour of my time on her?”. I pretend not to see and keep it superficial, and I don’t isolate my self but…I do feel lonely even though I am surrounded, even though I am at my folk dancing course, or eating in the cafeteria with some fellow students.
I know there is no answer to my question, I can only hope and wait a bit, but sometimes I fear that the world IS indeed grim and cruel, just like the socio would describe it, and I am a fool for hoping to meet a warmhearted person who will love me wholeheartedly, as a friend or as a partner, or both.
I feel exactly like you do. An empty space. A longing for companionship. I am over my sociopath but every time I go out I still feel out of place. I know I need patience (hence my nickname) I was wondering how you fell now. 2 years later
I cant believe how much of your site matches my ex boyfriend, like as if you know him! I am about 9 months on from him and have no contact whatsoever- we were together for 8 years, and I now have a nice new boyfriend. However I seen him for the first time last week (by accident bumping into him, he has tried to contact me etc..but I always ignore) and just seeing him close up has brought up lots of memories…nice ones I had of him 😦 I know for an absolute fact that he would repeat his actions as he did so for so many years. But what I really struggle with is wanting to know was anything real at all? Is he a bad person? Was there any sincerity or love/care for me at all? It seemed to me sometimes as if he wanted to change but almost couldn’t like he was addicted to the attention he got from others and so jealous and controlling he just couldn’t help himself. I guess it doesn’t matter as I will never put myself back in that position, I was so unhappy at times and felt so worthless at the hands of someone who I let control me. Thank you so much for your time making your site, its reassuring to know its not just me in this weird situation.
Hello- I am seeking advice as a parent of a high school daughter who has been dating a narcissistic sociopath for 9+ months. His treatment of her is simply disgusting. He lies, plays mind games, puts her down, plays the victim, and pretty much controls her at this point. When he’s being particularly evil, she can sometimes see through his games (catching onto his patterns). She even gets angry and calls him a freak (not to his face). But he must be highly skilled at sweet talk because he manages to suck her back in within a day. She then goes into denial mode and starts to defend him, saying he’s not so bad. This seems counterintuitive, but when she walks around the house, all chill and relaxed, that’s when I get worried, because it means he has pulled the wool over her eyes again, and has made her think he is a good guy after all. She’s appears happy, but it’s only because he has deflected all her concerns, and has avoided answering to his lies. She has come to expect so little, that I’m not sure she is even aware that the emotional and psychological abuse is as bad as it is. When he’s giving her the silent treatment, criticizing her, or throwing out accusations (because she is the one causing all the problems in the relationship), she can barely function. I’m lucky that she comes to me (her mom) for comfort and support. As hard as it is to see her suffer, each time this happens and we spend hours on my bed, hugging, talking, resting, I actually feel hopeful. Hopeful that maybe this time will be the last time she lets this monster rip her heart out. I get my hopes up, as I did this past week, that she will finally gather the strength to leave him. A few days ago, he ‘broke up’ with her, and accused her of cheating. I knew it was just an act. He was punishing her for going away the previous weekend. He told her not to go, and she defied him. He made her weekend trip miserable by texting how miserable he was without her. When the sympathy card didn’t work, he tried to make her jealous by saying he was going to a party (he never goes to parties!), and look for girls. He added that other people he talked with agreed with him that she should not have taken a trip when he disapproved. This resonated with her and she lost her composure. She was a nervous wreck the next day when they met and he feigned breaking up with her. He even had a box of her belongs he left on the curb, for added dramatic effect. My daughter got mad, screamed that she did not cheat, and actually slapped him (yes!). True to many sociopath’s skills, he was able to stay calm, even as my husband yelled at him to get the hell out of here. So he’s the victim once again. Ugh. The truth is this guy will probably never break up with her. He is a short, effete, goofy looking nerd, who spends all his time home alone. This is not a guy who gets girls, and he knows it. He is now trying to convince her to attend a college nearby, so he can continue to use her to fuel his ego. My daughter alternates between waiting it out till she can see him again, to feeling so low when he goes quiet, sleeping too much, missing school, avoiding people, crying. It’s so sad to witness! Trying to manage his games, and worrying about not pissing him off have become her main hobbies. She does little outside of this and schoolwork. It is not much of a life for a young woman. Even when she is with him she doesn’t have much of a life because they rarely do anything fun or new. He treats her like a possession, and I think her confidence is so low now, that she figures he is better than nothing. His treatment of her gets worse, if she complains. He will casually claim an ex is chatting him up, or saying he heard a secret about her, all to freak her out, and make her worry. Because an unstable girlfriend is a compliant girlfriend. He loves to talk about how busy he is with college and how much more demanding it is then her little high school, but the truth is he has one class a day and does nothing else at college, no clubs, no activities. He’s a loner, has zero friends, lives in his parent’s basement, is addicted to video games and jerking off (doesn’t get making love). and uses my daughter to bolster his ego and make the world think he is cool and going places.
Ok, that’s the story- sorry I rambled so. My question to anyone out there who has been trapped in a controlling relationship is this: Looking back, was there anything a friend, or loved one could have done or said that might have helped you to see more clearly and be able to get out sooner? Any words or actions that someone offered that just clicked in your head, giving you a new understanding or perspective? From everything I have read, recovery time from an abusive relationship can be as long as the relationship lasted. I’d like my daughter to have enough time to recover and heal before she starts college this fall. I don’t think she realizes all the emotions, anger, and grief that will emerge once she breaks free from him. I worry that she won’t be able to successfully transition to a new chapter in her life, where everything is new and different, with a rigorous college curriculum, but without the comforts and familiarity of home.
Is there anything I can do, besides sit back and wait, (and offer emotional support and encouragement of course)? Thankyou in advance.
Hi, your answer is this. No there is little you can do. As much as you hate it you can only allow her to learn her own life lessons. She is always tied to you. As you are the parent. Men and guys may come and go. But always you will have same two parents.
Thing is. Nothing you say and do will change her own perceptions. So all you can do is support her through what u know is wrong for her. You have wisdom she does not. But nothing you say and do will give her the wisdom you have? Learning for herself. Wil teach her own life wisdom.
Now your responsibility is guide…. Not sheilder and protector …. Be there for her. Always. But allow her to learn from her own mistakes. Saying otherwise will only push her closer towards him.
Thank you for your reply. I will continue to love and support her, without question. But watching ones own child being abused is gut wrenching.
Hi There! I’ve just found this site in the last month via FB and it has been wonderful. Everyone thinks I left because he attacked me but that was the reason I was able to give him for leaving. As my brain had gotten so twisted, shut down and numb I couldn’t explain one more time why I was hurting so much in our relationship. He “couldn’t” hear my words or accept them anyhow. So thank you for helping me to feel validated when I say “his attack wasn’t the problem” it was the mind games.
My question and desire is to see if anyone has a way to locate therapists with knowledge in this area. I’m having a really hard time trying to locate help. I know you said that you did it on your own, and I’m working hard to do that. But I’m afraid of the c/ptsd symptoms I have and feel like I need deeper help to get through that.
I’m reading all I can ingest on socio/narcs, meditating, praying, writing, using affirmations and trying to connect with others. I just feel like I need something more structured.
I am wondering If emdr would be useful for you? I found removing myself undid the mind control after time and the ptsd I had treatment for separately.
Thank you. I’m actually working with emdr too. I’m just concerned as my therapist listens to my stories and responds to them with complete disbelief and amazement. I’m having to educate her on their behavior and the impact it has had. If I can’t find someone with strong experience dealing with narc/socio abuse, would someone/group more ingrained in c/ptsd be helpful?
Hi I have a question about something you haven’t really discussed on here yet. I read in one of your articles that you dated a psychopath and a sociopath. How would you describe the difference between these two? I’ve done a little research but the boundaries seem pretty ambiguous. The guy I dated seemed like a little bit of both! I was wondering what your perspective/experience was
Zero conscience – nothing at all inside. Nothing there, more of an empty space.
We’re there any difference between the two?
What gives you the right to clump together all sociopaths and say that we, yes I said we, are monsters? If you all here are truly ‘victims’ of people like me, you’d already know that it’s not like we asked to be different than you. It’s not my fault my childhood went the way it did. That doesn’t mean I am happy to hurt others, in fact, I go out of my way to help others so that I we can both get a better outcome. Does that mean I feel like you? No. Does that somehow indicate that I am a good person? No. It means I know what I want and I CHOOSE a way to get it. There are far worse people out there than sociopaths and it is extremely messed up that I have to worry that my children have to grow up in a world with such misguided people. I wouldn’t put it past even 90% of the people on here to call a little girl’s daddy subhuman or a monster right in front of her. I may do a few things that others find mean or cruel, but I try to balance it out so that I can maintain my image and respect I EARNED. People who call other people monsters because of a disorder are the true monsters of this world and they make me sick. You should be ashamed for being so self absorbed. I guess my point is that you need to look at the whole and not your tiny, insignificant piece of this life. You’re wasting it sitting here spewing hatred.
Why do sociopaths always have do to the ‘moral outrage’…..
Because it’s people like you and others on this site that make my life harder for no reason other than you chose the wrong partner. Is it fair for an autistic kid’s parents to feel ashamed of their kid for having a disorder? Why should I have to hide my true self? This site (and others like it) are why sociopaths have such a bad reputation.
xxxbishopxx you sound like my ex who constantly is on this site to see a I still writing about his ass! You’re daughter is probably not even a little girl but a grown young woman just coming out of college. YOU are responsible for the PAIN you inflict on others and yet you attempt to place the blame on others. Typical sociopath behavior and you blatantly brag about hurting people as well as justify it. LOL!!! You’re pathetic and a clown. What makes it worse there are stupid women who take up for you! Please get electric shock treatment. Maybe that will make some improvement. LOL!!
You’re SOOOO right! In my post, I claimed that I LOVE hurting others and that I prefer it over ‘going out of my way to help them’. You didn’t even read my entire post, did you? I never wished harm on anyone on this site. I just wish this little pity party could do something constructive instead of making my life harder. And to clarify, I’m in my early twenties, I have two young lovely daughters who aren’t even in grade school yet. I’m sure you’d tell me that I hurt every girl I’ve ever been with because they left me and not even realize that one left me because of her mother, another left me after she cheated on me, and the last one left me after she decided she was going to college and didn’t want a long distance relationship. Oh yea, totally sounds like I’m just like the assholes you’ve been with. Just because you and others on here can’t see that you have a bad taste in men shoiuldn’t mean I have to hide my true self.
xxxxbishopxx you are a predator. Get a sign and use it as a warning to others. LOL!!
You know what your karma will be? When both of your daughters wind up with someone just like you….. not that you will care, your daughters are just a smoke screen, just like everything in your life.
Just like a narc/sociopath still trying to place the blame on others!
What evidence do you have that tells you I’m harmful at all? I’ve done nothing in my life that permanently hurt anyone. I have a disorder and I do my best to make the most of it, what’s wrong with that? Or are you so self centered that you can’t see that your personal past does not give you the right to judge everyone else?
Why is this asshole allowed to post on this site. Obvoiusly trying to cause trouble
Defending a disorder=Being an asshole
Wow, you all are far more delusional than I could ever aspire to be.
You’re right, my apologies. It never occured to me that someone such as you would need to justify themselves on a site full of people injured by people such as yourself. Perhaps we can get Jodi Arias to comment in support of your poor damaged self. You are here to hurt people, you’re capable of nothing less nor more. Keep posting though as you are proof of what a psychopath or narcissistic individual is…a joke
Thanks so much for your blog and site. It is an incredibly helpful resource as i continue to recover and heal from the challenge and messy end of a partnership with who we recently realized is a sociopath.
I’m writing to ask if you have written about healing and no contact as it pertains to social networks and media, especially for those of us with public FB pages as well as personal accounts. For the most part I feel really great about my engagement on FB, Twitter, etc. before and after realization and split. I limit my time on these sites and am very conscious about what I share and authenticity is key for me. I knew myself enough and what I needed in terms of quiet and time away from online “noise” after what I now recognize as being discarded for a new thrill/cycle, that I unfollowed her posts and customized my privacy and posting settings so as to reduce triggers, but I didn’t unfriend her. I didn’t see the need as I already have had the discipline to not look at her profile or old photos or anything. I haven’t done it once except to remove some old photos and tags of her on my profile.
Now though I realize it is important to unfriend her to continue focusing on my needs and wellness and healing and reduce triggers and watching the mundane ways other people are still under her “spell”.
My gf and I were together for 9 1/2 years, she’s a social media manager/community manager as her career (I know – great for charismatics!), and I’m an artist and performer/musician, so social media is a big part of my career as well. Currently she cannot see my personal FB posts, basically on a limited profile. She doesn’t know what she’s missing because she isn’t blocked, but she can like things I’m tagged in by others if it suits her. I know this is just to appear loving and kind in front of friends she doesn’t want to lose and to keep her past association with me working for her with others as it has for years. So I need to unfriend for a number of reasons, it’s too painful to watch – and because of the pattern I recognize – it may seem normal and civil now but I know the pattern and it will be repeated.
I have my music FB page apart from personal page as well, and Instagram and Twitter, where of course I don’t have to follow her and don’t, and she’s free to keep following my posts, which are mainly for my “brand” as a musician. I don’t have to engage back when she likes a photo or tweet or even get a notification when she does, which means I don’t interact with her at all although she’s a “follower” of my profile.
This is a big part of people’s lives these days, and when social media is such an integral part of a career as well, I think it just adds a level of establishing no contact if you can that can be difficult. It’s hard enough in a normal breakup without a “brand” and when you throw in realizations of dealing with a sociopath it gets hefty psychologically to say the least. Even though it seems small or superficial. It’s ripe ground for damage if one isn’t gentle and strong both. What are your experiences and opinions about this? I bet it would be helpful to many others to hear your suggestions and thoughts – when blocking people is necessary, when letting their interest die out as it surely will is enough or a safer choice, how to customize profiles to minimize the drama of establishing no contact on social media, etc.
Thanks so much for everything you share. Just having a place to raise these issues is empowering.
Thank you avivajaye, I can see the difficulty that you face. What is the relationship like with you and your ex? Is it ok or not at all? I know that I split with my ex twice, the final time we split on good terms, however, he has still sent texts when I wrote something that he wasn’t happy with. You are right, it is something that can kick them off, and believe me, even if they have moved onto someone new, they still would read your stuff, to see what you are doing (They can move onto someone new, but you can’t). It also depends on the maturity of the sociopath and whether they want the relationship to be over. If they want it to be over anyway you might have an easier time of it. The most important thing, is to continue to do what you would anyway…. not be intimidated, or live in fear, as this is what they want.
Thanks for responding. The relationship is not entirely terrible. She ended it, not me, and on really terrible betrayal-style terms, but there was a big point made of wanting to remain friends (read: wanting to keep me in her supply) and in each other’s lives, which, before I became certain she was a socio (with the help of our former couples therapist but not outright and nearly unanimous suspicions from close friends) and not just dealing with other issues, I didn’t think that was completely unreasonable. As I gained more clarity and as the lies continued to wash up on shore, I get it. She is not terribly erratic and not at all violent, and we were best friends as well as romantic partners so the post-breakup aftermath has been complex to navigate. I know she has been worried about looking bad among our many mutual friends, and she’s aware that most of the benefits she reaped from these so-called friendships were built upon my own integrity and not her own merit, just her charisma.
Now that she’s not my GF, and because she ended things so disrespectfully and dishonestly, many of those friendships have gone sour for her, even if they don’t at all know her true nature. At first she didn’t handle this well, but of course with a new significant other she is busy trying to outrun the old mistakes by setting up new-looking successes and win the favor of these friends without my help as much as possible, providing a nice distraction from the initial pity parties. In general, she doesn’t seem to want the friend-relationship with me to be OVER over. She showed up to a show of mine uninvited even though back in December we discussed not showing up without notice to my performances. Periodically she asks if we can get together for tea or something or asks how I’ve been doing. I can tell the nature and timing of these messages and attempts are absolutely tied to a need for assurance and a sense of feeling loved or supported or to share some news on her end to see if she still affects me on a personal level, so I’ve been disciplined about not engaging and/or mirroring her flippant attitude and detachment without changing my standard “friendly attitude.” It’s tiring but effective in a pinch.
On social media, though, there is a LOT of smoke and mirrors going on, which is easy for any of us to do on social media, sociopath or not. It’s been a pattern of her liking posts that I am tagged in (now that she doesn’t see my own posts) to perhaps appear supportive and kind toward me, and, from what I hear from friends who view her profile, lots of grandiose posting about her evolved new life and exciting future with her new SO/fiance so that people forget that it was an affair and just learn to be happy for them, of course without the sense of empathy, remorse or reflection that most would expect. I know not to be intimidated by these tactics and displays but when I actually unfriend and delete past stuff, there will be questions, because she has been appearing supportive of me in order to be able to appear the blameless victim, like “Well I don’t know why she unfriended me…I support all that she is still doing. Look at that photo I liked, and her new song, and the video she was tagged in. She doesn’t like any of my stuff, so she’s the one who doesn’t have love in her heart. She’s not happy for me; she claims to care for me but she doesn’t care about my happiness.” Maybe at an earlier date this wouldn’t have happened because she was too swept up in the new thing. But now that it’s been several months I know her cycle of boredom is kicking in a bit, and the more I appear to be doing well and getting better and being unconcerned with the heartbreak of what happened, the more interested she will become, fiance or not.
The main issue is that there are still a couple events where we will be in contact with one another…just in the same environment….coming up. My gut tells me to wait until these events have passed to do the full unfriend, delete all tags, etc. process on social media so as not to welcome too many questions at the events, but what do you think? I want what is best for myself. I have to be in a good mental place and as strong as possible because I have to sing at this event (a wedding party of a mutual friend), and although the others there are my friends, they don’t know her true nature or the complexity of what I’m actually dealing with in the aftermath. To them, it looks over – she’s got a new person, they’re planning to get married, we can all move on and try to share space. They don’t know I’m still dealing with attempts to meet up that aren’t harmless….they’re debilitating. I know for sure that if I had expressed to them that it wouldn’t be possible for me to attend this party if she also would be there, that perhaps they wouldn’t have asked me to sing or we would have figured something else out. By the time I knew my ex and I would both be there it was too late. I am honored to be asked to sing and play, so I’ll just have to buck up and survive the day. I do not want to be tagged in photos and all that social stuff afterward, where the triggers of sharing space and it appearing great will set me back on my healing journey. But doing an unfriend thing now may be a worse blow to my progress. I’m sure my gut will tell me, but I do appreciate your insight and the reminder to stay fearless and unintimidated. Does it sound like I can just dig into my strength and leave things as they are for now? How do I let friends that don’t know the full story, know what I need in situations like this? Do they need to know the full story?? I’m honestly asking because I’ve never had to navigate these waters before…
Do true Sociopaths ever feel genuinely suicidal? I found out my ex was researching “painless” suicide methods and googling “how to tie a noose.” He did this on an old private phone that I found after we broke up, so I don’t believe he was doing it as a manipulation tactic, although he has said things like “My life without you is meaningless and if I can’t be with you, I don’t want to live.” So, I know he uses suicidal threats to control behavior of his Source, but I’m wondering if they really ever do see how badly they’ve messed up their own lives and want to end it.
What happens when a male sociopath and female sociopath date EACH OTHER???
There would be a lot of game playing, lots of trouble, and fireworks. it would be a case of constant one upmanship, but they might have some sense of respect for each other.
I don’t even know what I’m in but here’s to hoping you can help me shed some light on my situation.
I’m a 34 year old male, I’ve been in 3 serious long term relationships including my current one. Having always been a career go getter and an independent thinker my last relationship for 5 years broke down when I found out my ex, who I was about to marry, was cheating on me, she did this when I left the country to tend to my father who had a stroke.
I left the relationship and decided to completely change my life around by moving to a different city. At the time (3 years ago), I was in a very lonely place with no one to turn to, I decided to try online dating where I met my current partner. At the time she told me of her past abusive relationships, she also had a 12 year old from a previous relationship. Despite hating it and never saying anything, she continually spoke about her ex’s positives, almost comparing me, but if I did the same or spoke about my female work colleagues she’d switch the conversation always towards inciting I’d be cheating, if I spoke about going out with friends she’d say I was meeting other women etc after a year or so of this I stopped saying anything nor going out as I dreaded the thought of an argument and having to justify myself. I’ve always been loyal, so now I feel so guilty that I have to justify everything e.g my phone goes off because I have a message, she’ll say it’s from a girl the repetition of this has resulted in me not even looking at my phone yet her phone is glued to her.
Financially things haven’t been great and she continually blames me, and always reminds me how all her ex’s ensured financially she never had a problem.
A year ago we had a daughter together, and I love her more than anything, but my partner is continually manipulating me to feel guilty, insecure and worthless, if we argue and she was wrong she’ll never say sorry, instead she speaks and acts as though nothing ever happened.
I get told I’m probably gay, I’m living two lives, I’m probably cheating, any girls I know on Facebook that I’ve known since childhood are sluts. She tells me how she can easily find a father for my daughter and get back to having the lifestyle she always had.
Until 2 weeks ago I was running a business from home, not successfully but earning a living nonetheless, but as I was continually been reminded I wasn’t doing enough and to find a second job, I found a new job and handed my home based one to her. When I got back from my first day at work I was been interrogated about the women that work there. Being in advertising my job may entail that I travel, this she knew when I applied and was all too happy, but on day two of work my manager notifies me I’d be flying abroad for 3 days and that the boss was taking everyone on holiday abroad due to the current success. I told her this and she flipped, she all of a sudden was asking me why my ex cheated on me and that her only conclusion was that I was unfaithful.
The icing on the cake was when she asked who’d be going with me abroad and I said 2 guys and my manager (female), now she wanted to know her age, relationship status, kids etc
I remind myself everyday I’m better than this, yet she can be loving and thoughtful especially after being horrible, should I retaliate to her accusations or dare I tell her about her past, I get the puppy eyes and tears reversing the guilt. And if I walk away angry from the argument I get texts that are so horrible I just shut my phone down. In the morning she’ll speak to me as though nothing ever happened.
I know I have to leave for the sake of my sanity, I know how loyal I am but I have a daughter with her who the thought of leaving with her kills me, I’d love to take her with me but I’m not set yet to do so. So I live everyday hoping things will change but the good lasts no more than a week.
There’s so much more to say but I won’t bore you, what I want to know is what you think I’m dealing with here? How do I challenge her accusations without giving her a reason to turn things against me.
I even gave her all my usernames and passwords to my emails and social media but she believes I have others I hide yet I’ve not once ever asked the same of her.
I can’t even select the comment notification box in case she sees this.
James you know the most important thing in any relationship is not how you feel about her…. But how you feel about you when with her. From what you describe this is not a healthy relationship but you know this already…. The question is what are you going to do as I don’t think it is going to get better.
As a guy already through this…RUN
Take care of your child..take care of you
Get away from her..in 6 months or so I promise you’ll realize how much happier you will be
I believe I was dating a sociopath (APD) and I am having the hardest time getting over it. Please let me know if you think he is one.
1) conduct disorder and was in behavioral schools growing up
2) father alcoholic, mother not nurturing and was sexual preoccupied
3) alcoholic and previous drug use
4) 2 dui’s and cannot drive
5) told me he loved me in 2 weeks. Moved in after 3 weeks (lived with his mom at 33)
6) job hopper. High debt. Bad credit. Cannot keep bank account straight
7) Proposed at 4 months (i had to finance my own ring)
8) mooched off me and was jealous of my background & family
9) only a couple friends
10) found out after that he was a deadbeat father to a daughter he never told me about
11) moved on within a couple days of me ending things.
12) Posting love things about her on facebook. (love bombing)
He is not contacting me at all or trying to win me back. I ended things and stopped buying him alcohol. Started resenting him for his lack of money or career drive. He has done this in the past, and secretly I hope he does it with this person as well.
Hello, and thank you for setting up this site.
I have a practical question for you. Here’s a bit of background info.
I dated a “charming sociopath” (who even told me he was diagnosed as a sociopath but it was early on and I just dismissed it and gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was also depressed and suicidal). I had to leave the U.S. and go back to my country before our relationship ended (not because of him, for personal reasons), and I stored a few boxes at his parents’ summer house since he said it was ok.
Now I have to go back to the U.S. and I need my stuff, but I’m moving to a different state. So, I basically need someone (my ex presumably – except he moved to Europe permanently!) to into his parents’ house, since they are not there (it’s their summer home and the neighbor has keys but needs the parents’ approval to let someone in). I’m not in contact with his parents, so my ex would be the only one to contact to see if my stuff is still there. Then, I would need someone to help me label & measure/weigh the boxes so that the shipping company can ship them to my new place, and I was planning on sending them the shipping money. Problem is, the shipping company needs an estimate of the weight & measurements of the boxes, and I don’t remember how many they even are!
I can’t ask my ex (no contact plus he is in Europe, not the US) or his parents (whose contact info I don’t have and they might not even be in the US this summer) to help with the shipping, that would be too much. The stuff in the boxes are needed for my new job, and I’m worried I will never get it back. How can I deal with this, and get back my stuff from him? I would like to avoid contacting him, but I’m afraid I have no choice. I’m also worried he will tell me that he can’t help me out, as he did one other time when I asked him another favor while he was still in the U.S. and I was not. It’s been almost 3 months since I spoke with him btw. Please help!
Hello, my wife of years had a 12 month affair. She ended the affair, but still wants be “friends” with OM. Im convinced she wont cheat with him again BUT, how can she say she wants to work on our marriage & still be in contact with OM?. Shes never been for counselling, shes carrying on daily life like nothing happened. Its as if she can just stop cheating of her own free will???. She has many qualities but I now have trust issues & the fact she could lie & live a double life for months has screwed my head up. Shes shown no sign of guilt or true remorse. As far am im aware the affair ended 6 months ago. I did follow her a few times when she met OM after work & there was no intimacy not even a hug as they left, so maybe she has changed???.
Hi Martin, thanks for your comment. Please don’t doubt how you are feeling, or allow your feelings to be minimised. Ask yourself what kind of person can cheat, lie, deceive for 12 months, without guilt or remorse, with no thought for your feelings?
You are quite right in how you feel. Your wife cheated on you and the last person that she should be friends with is this man. Why would she want to be? How you are feeling sounds very normal to me. What she is proposing, is selfish, unacceptable, it is as if she is thinking, oh well, it has come out now, and she can resume as normal.
Why would she stop sleeping with him now? What would make her want to stop sleeping with him? Please think about you, and your needs, as if this continues, this could (it sounds like it already has) seriously affect your own self esteem and confidence. It could rip you apart.
Why does she not have respect for you, and your feelings. I assume that she knows how this has made you feel? What do you want to do, In your heart?
It sounds as if you might have to make a decision, possibly even an ultimatum. As likely if she is behaving like this, has the capability to do this, it could happen again. I think her behaviour is selfish and unacceptable and I think that you are quite right to feel how you do. Please don’t allow her to tell you that you are paranoid, insecure, needy or that there is something wrong with you!! There isn’t your response sounds quite normal to me.
Hey, thanks for the quick response, I really needed to talk on here. I love this website as weird as that sounds. That was only a brief question, I could have gone in to a lot more detail but it would take me days to type it up. Basically I do think shes a sociopath or a Narc, BUT who am I to judge?. I could be accusing her of certain things when in reality I don’t know whats going on in her mind. She may feel guilty/remorseful she just doesn’t “show it”.
I think the point is here Martin, that she is not taking into account your feelings. Have you told her how you feel about her still being friends with this man. How it makes you feel? If so, what was her response? Does she care about your feelings?
She doesn’t know that I know at the moment. Shes keeping him a secret but is ok telling me about her other male friends??? And even some of them I don’t know who they are, theyre her work mates
I found a similar website about sociopaths after separating from my husband. At the time I had had it with his drug and marijuana use. I had it with his temper. I had it with the person I had become. One day he got mad at me and took it out on my oldest son. I should have called the police, but like a true sociopath, he made me fear the result of my son being taken away, that it was my fault, and more. At that point I made him leave.
I got him out of my house! I had never felt so much joy over a relationship split! The joy of that decision didn’t last long. Since our separation and then divorce, he has become even worse. He is openly hateful to me in front of our child who is 6. He has a new wife now that seems to be on his level and helps him with his hate campaign against me.
To our son, they come and get him but don’t do anything with him. They make it very clear to me there are other children in the home so our son is not a priority and treat him as such, nothing special. Sometimes he is dropped off early for his grandmother to take over then bring home to me. Because of this, our son tries harder to get his attention and is always disappointed.
The worst part of it is what they are telling him to hurt me. They started “allowing” him to call his stepmom “mom” and told him “this is your new mom!” They have done nothing but talk bad about me to him in order to brainwash him. This started when he was 3 and it worked really well. Now that he is 6 he is able to see things differently (especially since he lives with me).
You are right! This is about winning and control! This has nothing to do with the 6yr old. I only contact him to give him info and I don’t respond to his attacks at me giving it. He has nothing good to say to me or about me. Both of them do it. Even the 6yr old knows his dad is a liar. He also knows that his dad only pays attention to him when he is telling his dad something about me or what’s going on in our home. Legally there is nothing I can do. I was told it isn’t against the law to be a jerk. That helps!
My question, is how can I protect my son from this? I know that playing his game will backfire with a child and make me no better in his eyes. What can I do as he grows older? How can I make this hate campaign against me stop? Our child is tired of hearing it!
It’s sad when a child is aware. I know my exes child at age seven wrote an email to him and said ‘please daddy no more lies’ he continued to lie to her. I haven’t read this book but wonder if it could help you http://www.justlikehisfather.com/
I was recently engaged to, I believe a sociopath. I never experienced such a powerful confusing force in my life. My crazy whirlwind lasted on and off for a year. I asked God to help me, show me and he did, I found the information that I needed to pull up my bootstraps and move on. I will not go into a long story, mainly it would be like reading a book the size of War and Peace. I will just my examples of the craziness.
1. Not allowed to socialize with my married friends, because the husband, a man will want more from me than just a friendship.
2, Always accused of staring at men out in public, church included.
3. Accused of having affairs with men at my job, insisted I have my supervisor move my desk away from men.
4. I’m a very conservative in the way I dress, I will wear two shirts or modesty panels if my shirt is made too low cut. I get accused of wearing revealing clothing on purpose.
5. Name calling, yes the worst, when he’s mad I get called whore, slut, liar, cheater, c-sucker, C, but he still wants to marry me.
6. Does not want me to work, just stay home and wait for him.
7. He does not have friends, does not socialize with others. I now suspect he still sees an x girlfriend, the one that help him destroy a 30 year marriage.
8. He has now started in on my family, especially my nephews.
9. I have to tell him everything I do, phone calls and texts.
10. Not allowed to talk to my child’s friends parents.
11. Can’t go restaurants that sells alcohol, only if I’m with him.
12. Not allowed to go a male doctor of any kind.
13. He is good looking, accomplished and has a good job, very buff, works out about 4-5 days a week.
14. He will cuss me out and break up, then call me like nothing has ever happened or it was my fault because of the stuff listed above.
15. Everything will be great, loving and hopeful, then out of the blue he starts in with accusations. I’m constantly defending myself with nonsense the same stuff over and over, it’s a beat down. he accuses me of stuff that I never did or stuff I may do. I began to question myself, it was just crazy. I even lost friends over this, concerned family. He seemed so great, loving, caring, giving and wanted to be married. I will give him back my $$$ engagement ring, I much rather be alone and have my sanity and dignity.
Isolationist ,blamers, accuse you of what they are doing, control freak, manipulator, work out freak, charmer to others. RUN
Was wondering if you could suggest a way that I could find a good counselor. I’ve been in an off and on relationship with SOC ex for 3 years….I want to break the pattern. I love him, or who I thought he was, but I can’t let him break my heart anymore. I’m only 23 and he’s made me feel like I won’t get any better then him. We get together, he does the classic “love bomb” and it just overall charming and fun, tells me he wants to marry me and for me to have his kids, everything I want to hear basically. Then out of nowhere, he will end it. Time will go by, and he shows up again, apologizing and swearing he has changed and will never hurt me again. He even cries. I give him chances because I really do love him and for whatever reason I feel like he’s my soulmate. But just recently, he pulled away again. We had a joint email account hooked up to our iPhones. For whatever reason, our iCloud’s sinc up and I have access to his “notes” app and visa versa. I never use this iPhone feature other then to store passwords for things, not important things just like iTunes passwords. Anyways, I was checking my notes one day for some reason and I had seen a note that he entered, it basically looked like a draft of a text that he would send some girl asking her out on a date. I immediately called him, and begged him for an answer. I kept asking him “why did u tell me u loved me when u didn’t”…to which he responded “when?” then I started feeling crazy. I brought up the note and he said that we had broken up 2 weeks ago…but we did not break up! we had not conversation of the sort! Then he Hung up on me and ignored my calls and texts. It’s been 2 weeks and he just texted me asking me if I wanted my things back. I said yes, and he texted me a place to meet him. I felt sick. And I felt like I would be too tempted to try to get answers from him…and I knew it would hurt when he would eventually refuse me those answers. So I decided to ask him to ship them to me. I feel strong knowing that I could do that. But I still feel like I’m going to need a lot of help to get over him and eventually to figure out why I keep letting this guy hurt me? I do care for him but I’m convinced he is a sociopath or has a majority of those traits and I’ve accepted the fact that it is not my job to fix him or help him anymore. I’ve read a lot of articles on this site and its made me feel empowered to know that I’m not alone. Thanks for all the effort you’ve put in to make this information available to so many women like me. Any advice you could offer would be very much appreciated
Amber you CAN find better than him. I promise. Finding yourself and loving you would be better than putting up with the way that he makes you feel.
Hi What a great site can any one tell me how you survive shared custody with a sociopath? People just aren’t aware of what a despicable human being he is and I have tried to make them aware and have ended up being seen as the troublemaker. I continue to do the right thing while he has pulled every stunt you can think of, and he gets away with it. You cant escape them when you share custody and they know that and make it their priority to make your life a misery. Help!
This site has helped me a lot! I’m convinced I have fallen in love with a sociopath.
Sorry if you have answered this earlier.. Is it a good idea to tell them you think they are a sociopath? Or just move on with life?
I know I have the strength to move on but I feel sad for him as I feel like I’m leaving a friend behind without helping him get better. I know you will say they can’t change but I feel guilty that I can’t help him. I definitely agree with your post about grieving two people, I am grieving who I thought he was snd who he actually is.
To be honest, if you say that they are a sociopath, they might use it to pull in their victim mentality, and also give you another illusion, that they are ‘just about to make a full recovery’ ….. this isn’t true. They will never make a recovery, no matter what they say. Yes, it is normal to feel sad for him. You are normal, you care about people, that is a normal human emotion.
I have been on here in the past. I’ve read the whole website several times, and I find myself back in the same spot. I dated my SP for 4 years, he lived with me, along with one of his three children. He found and bought a house and didn’t even tell me about it until he was leaving, and told me over the phone. He’s a high level police officer in my area, and a text book sociopath. I was devastated when he left, and it took me a long time to move forward. Whenever I would start to date someone, he came back, and I fell for it. Last hear I made it 52 days no contact and started. This year i made it 152 days and a month ago he emailed me because I had him blocked on my phone and facebook…:2 emails later he’s at my house and the pattern starts all over.
I am a smart, successful person. Ive broken up with people and not thought twice about it my whole life. Until him, behavior like his would never have been tolerated. The lying, cheating, stealing, etx. I cannot understand why I can’t stop seeing him or talking to him. I feel like it’s an addiction, and I can’t beat it. Even the 152 no contact period, I was miserable….I feel like part of me is missing and I’ll never be the same. I don’t want anyone else, I want to date, and tried to a few times: but they’re
Not him. I know I NEED to stop this cycle(AGAIN), but I feel so helpless. All of my friends are shocked. This is not my personality. This is not me. It’s so depressing, I really feel like I’ll never be the me I was before.
It is unbelievable the recovery time after dealing with a sociopath. The whirlwind love affair sweeps you in and then they leave like you never existed. Mine was textbook ASPD/sociopath. Extremely sexy and mysterious. I got hooked immediately. He said he loved me after 2 weeks, moved in after 3 weeks and was the most romantic man. I fell for it and he fooled me and my whole family. The issue is he was a fake. No money so he mooched off me. Huge police record and was in jail a couple times. Alcoholic. Bad childhood. I could not take it a few months after we got engaged. I had to finance my own engagement ring. I finally ended things at 10 months. He moved on without a breath. He must have been cheating with the girl who is also an alcoholic. I miss him terribly although I know I dodged a huge bullet. I am in cognitive dissonance still and I hate that I see him at the gym. I continue to find out more and more of his past and how he has done this over and over. I just wish I knew how long it takes to finally feel peace.
I don’t know if you have faith but this worked for me . I prayed everyday for a month that God would align my mind will and emotions behind the perfect spirit of God on the inside of me . I prayed this for a month and something in me snapped off I was no longer falling for his tall stories and charm. I just felt impenetrable from him . The other thing is to make a list of all the terrible things and read it whenever you get nostalgic about the “good times” as actually to control is evil is objectification and control not love . Such a list would remind you of the realities.
This is good advice soul. I did the same. He wouldn’t leave said he would kill me rather than leave. I too did that within a month he moved out. Slowly my world began to recover. I also agree with the lists. In my case I had a blog.
I love this advice Soul Intercity
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I believe my husband is a sociopath. English is my third language so please bear with me.
I was a single mother of 2. In marsh 2014 I meet my soulmate as he liked to call himself. He sweapt me of my feet and I feel madly in love with him, he was everything I ever wanted in a man without even knowing what I was really looking for.. Relationship escalated so quick, we live in another European country and after 2 months he invited me to the uk to meet his family, he proposed and I was so caught of guard (I dI’d not believe in marriage before I meet him) but he was so charming and his family was wonderful, every1 telling me that they had never seen him so happy in his whole life and that me and my kids was the best thing for him, that he was now a changed man. He was 30 y/o at the time.
Everything went so quick I was studying full time and took care of my kids and he was so helpful with everything always put me and my children first. We had such a good time and we shared the same morals and values and lookt for the same things in the future.. He told me some story’s about his past but I never really believed him cuz the stories never had any details, sad story’s how he lost his daughter when she was young (the mother took her to another country) I questioned him sometimes but he never gave me a real answer so I just stopped asking thinking that it was to painfull for him to speak about..
He was always telling me that the only thing he ever wanted was to have his own family and be happy, and of course I got pregnant. During a midwife appointment I found out that I was sick and would be on medication my whole life and that the baby might not be born healthy. I said to him that I would do an abortion and that he could walk away and start a new life with someone else. This was my journey and he did have a choice. He choose to stay with me saying I’m his world and he could not live without me and that he will stay by my side until the end. And he said he wanted the baby etc.. During my whole pregnancy I still studied full time and worked weekends every now and again and was at the hospital once a week for checkups. He followed to me every dr appointment. abd I was so happy that with all I’ve been trugh I had such an amazing bf. He then keept going on about his daughter that he loosed and wanted to get married before the baby comes since he was very Christian and wanted to do it the “right way”. He said that with all that we have been through with my bad health and the baby on the way that it made us stronger and I feelt that way to, so we got married.. We got married and I was so happy over the moon happy.. Sure he said some weird things and was out quite much but it never really bothered me cuz I was so happy and he was so loving.. Baby came and he was born healthy 💜 and then my husband started to speak about my health and how I should be so greatfull that he loved me even if I was sick.. I never fell for it saying to him that he can always walk out of the relationship of he wants to nobody is forcing him on being with me. And I will never say thank you to him and praise him for loving me.. That’s not how I see myself. And that always pissed him of, then all these sad stories. He said to me that I’m cold hearted for not feeling sorry for him. And I said that I can feel sorry for him once or twice but not all the time for the same story.. That he needs to get over it and move on with his life and not clinge on the past.. I suggested that he should go to therapy. He did not go and one night when he was drunk he went on and on about how he has suffered in the past and I said to him to just stop, your lying, all the stories have the same plot.. You are nice to ppl and they for some unexpected reason screw you over, nobody has that much bad luck. And how come you never make a misstake? It’s alawys some1 else’s fault never your own. And I said to him that I’m getting tired of this, you are not the person whom I feel in love with. And I’m not going to stick around if you don’t change. I have my kids and both them and me deserves to be happy.. And that I could feel my husband wasn’t happy anymore and that he did deserve to be happy, maybe this relationship whent to quick and it was not what he wanted. Then he changed and started to go to therapy and every thing seams to be going back to normal.. I was still very happy. He started going out more often but it never really bothered me.. Then one night a month ago he changes I don’t know why or what happened but he is furios. He screams that “nobody can control you” and I don’t understand what the hell he is talking about, why would anyone want to control me. And why do you hate me so much. We were so happy everything was going so good. And then he assault me and tried to kill me. Won’t go into details but it was horrible I have never been so scared in my whole life. And our baby was in the other room.. Neigbours call the police and they come and arrested him and I was taken to the hospital.. Haven’t spoken to him since then he is still in jail awaiting trial.. And I was (still am) in agony I don’t understand I was so happy he was happy what the hell happened? After a few days without speaking to him (first time since we meet he don’t phone me or text me everyday) I started finding weird things at home.. Tiny notes he wrote to himself that didn’t make anysence. And I found out that he has been cheating on me since day 1! Whit noumberons women.. He has lied to all his friends and family and been living some sort of dubble life.. I thought he was weird at times but thought that therapy would help him.. Now I see that it wasn’t all that good as I thought. I can see how he has been manipulation me and trying to breake me down playing on my health.. I’m very confident and love myself and my children and always thought he was the one with problems not me.. He has tried to make me look insane. And is now bad mouthing me to police and child services. Still denying that he abused me.. Is he a sociopath? Or just pure evil? I now see that he never loved me and never loved our child either.. And found out that his whole background storie he told me was completely fabricated.. How do I cope with this? It hurts so much..
Thank you for this website 💜
I am sorry that you are going through this. I cannot diagnose anyone. But I can say that the patterns appear similar to sociopathy. This is the most confusing part. How so much was a lie. What was the truth and what was not. I am sorry you are going through this I know how painful it can feel to be betrayed and decieved.
Thank you for your answer. I spoke to my therapist about the whole relationship now that I see it for what it was and she said that I’m married to the devil and that indeed he needs to be diagnose cuz there is something very wrong with that man.. I’m just lost as a person.. Thing is I was so happy and so un aware that he manipulated me. Until that night when I almost died I was happy and I don’t understand anything.. It’s like my life was the Truman show.. Nothing was real.. He never loved me he never loved his own child.. And now he is showing his true colors.. Apparently a very violent man and his secret life I can’t believe how he keept it going during our whole relationship.. And I’m so confused and in such an agony.. Everyday I find out more about this man.. I am married to a fictional character.. I have no idea who he really is.. And I shared my bed and my life with him.. Scares the living crap out of me 😦
I just can’t belive how somebody is capable of doing this to another human being.. I don’t see him as a human anymore he is just an evil being.. Now I’m waiting for trial and I just want to move on with my life and find happiness and never see him again.. I listen to the song I will survive with Gloria G. But it’s hard to accept that it was all a lie.. A sick and twisted game,, and I almost died cuz he lost his mask.. I’m heartbroken
Hi Eclipse. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know the pure pain of feeling like your love, your life, your efforts were a farce. Just remember, YOU are not a farce, your life was not a lie. He is the liar. There is nothing wrong with you for giving your all to a person you love, even if that person never existed. You didn’t know. Now you do. It is so painful, but your freedom has arrived now. I hope that you find even deeper strength through your heartbreak. I know I am. It is infuriating to miss someone that doesn’t exist and didn’t love me in the healthy, humane way we should be loved. But you (and Gloria) are right, you will survive. Stay brave, and keep loving yourself and trusting your gut. It is not fair that this man makes you scared, but I do understand. It is scary to think about and realize. Just remember, you saw a mask slip off. It’s like witnessing something you were never meant to witness, but thank goodness you did. The truth always wins out, and it brings you to true freedom.
All my heart and empathy goes to you. You are not alone, and your feelings are valid. Don’t rush yourself or judge yourself. Above all, be compassionate with yourself. You deserve it. ❤
Thank you for your kind words. It is very hard to accept that if was just a lie and he don’t exist. The mask slipped and I have never been so scared in my life, his whole face changed and I could not recognize him. Since he is in jail the no contact rule is simple to go trough with. But I’m a mess both fysicaly and mentally. I don’t even know what hurts the most that he tried to kill me or that it was all a game from the beginning.. I now found proof that he picked me out as “target” before I even knew him.. So now I have to see within myself what I have that attracts a sociopath. But the show must go on I need to repair myself and be strong but it’s hard. I want answers but I will never get them. I’m just heartbroken and devastated.
I will grow strong and hopefully I will never have to see him again,
Did you get any answers ?
A big hug to all of you who are in the same struggle as me and for you who have breaken free and are now happy. I want to be happy again 💜
Eclipse, it is SO hard to accept. I love and applaud your resolve “I will grow strong…”. You sure will. I really do hope you are happy again, and I know you can be. I hope you feel comfortable defining what that looks and feels like for yourself. I often had trouble not thinking of others and that can cloud up my definition of how I am supposed to be happy. But I have learned to free myself of that. It is so heartbreaking and devastating to think of my very real love and experience as a part of some sham. It has often made me want to stop my breath indefinitely. But that emotional wave always has to come down at some point if I can wait it out and learn its pattern, and I hope you feel that too some day. You asked if I got any answers? Not from my ex-partner, no way. No closure, no answers. Even the things that seemed like answers were very clearly just props in the grand game. I can’t un-know now what I know. I’ve seen the Wizard of Oz so to speak. No going back. It’s very frustrating and heartbreaking to feel like I’m not allowed to be free with my love and kindness because there are people who abuse it. I hate that feeling. But it doesn’t mean I am limited. The world is vast and accommodating. If it can accommodate all this evil, it has a special place for your love and dedication. That helps me to keep moving forward. Like positivagirl always points out, there is no such thing as closure with the SP. In any case, you are alive when someone attempted to not have you be, so I know that your answers are far away from that person and much more life-giving than he could ever provide. I am excited for you to get all the beauty you deserve. All of us here.
your words here are so beautiful, i just cried when i read them.
“Above all, be compassionate with yourself.”
it helps so so much to remind ourselves to have compassion with ourselves. it’s crazy how hard it is to do that. we punish ourselves relentlessly in our minds for someone else’s darkness, and we carry the burden of all of the pain someone else created, while they take no responsibility for any of it. someone came into our lives and deliberately manipulated us with everything in them. they are the ones who created a lie, the only thing we did “wrong” was believe. it’s heartbreaking how all of us feel so much guilt and shame over these experiences, when all we did was seek love.
and even after we break away, so many of us seem to experience this painfully confusing aftermath where it seems like these monsters come in and wreak complete havoc on us, and then go on with their lives as if we we didn’t even matter, and it feels like the universe supports them in their lives as they carelessly go on… while we on the other hand feel completely abandoned by the universe. it’s so hard to have compassion towards yourself when it feels like the world around you reinforces the same message of worthlessness that the sociopath tried to destroy you with.
yes, we are not alone. our feelings are valid. don’t rush or judge ourselves, allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel however long we need to feel it… even though it seems like the crappy end of the deal that we feel all of these things…that’s the beauty of us that makes different than them… we FEEL! we feel so deep and so raw and so real and sometimes so much we can barely make it to the next moment… but we FEEL. that’s what makes us real and beautiful and beings with hearts and souls and spirits.
big hug to you avivajaye, there is something about all of us who have been through this where we know exactly how each other has felt through these experiences, and we’re just connected to each other’s souls. ❤
Thanks, sweetpea. I’m glad my words were a comfort. You are so right. We are lucky because we FEEL, and in spite of all the questioning and doubt that naturally comes to oneself through all this, it is good to be reminded that our empathy, kindness and capacity to love are nothing to apologize for. ❤ Our lives matter so very much, and the unique deprogramming/unlearning the hurtful messages is unfair, but it's just a matter of time and reminding yourself of your beauty and worth. And speaking up in safe places like here! The universe has not abandoned us, although it can feel that way when the isolation and damage is so colossal. But it's breathtaking how many of us are still living, NOT destroyed in spite of the odds. It's lovely. I'm still learning not to rush my progress and the journey toward deeper beauty in myself. Or my healing, on account of others or the external world. Each at her/his own pace. Stay strong, loves.
avivajaye, you speak so many beautiful words ❤
thank u for this… "our empathy, kindness and capacity to love are nothing to apologize for. "
Hi. Please forgive me of the length of this. I think my ex boyfriend is a narcissist. However, I start to doubt myself when I see how he acts with his current girlfriend. I started dating him 3 years ago. When I met him he told me everything I was looking for. He was very charismatic and so much fun. However, it was during the first date he told me he had been separated from his wife for 18 months when in actuality it has only been a few weeks. Our relationship was a roller coaster ride. He would constantly tell me how he met me too soon and wished he would have met me 6 months later. He would break up with me and then come back within a day or two telling me how much he loved me and just needed a little space. He actually cried. He told me that he was a catch and that I would never find anyone like him again. He told me that if I did any of the things that he did that he would break up with me. He told me he felt sorry for me because if I did any of the things he did to hurt our relationship he would break up with me but he knew i would not break up with him. He also began to tell me how he felt sorry for me because I had no friends. I started to listen and started to believe him and stopped hanging with my friends. in a matter of 2 years he broke up with me 17 times. I never once went back to him, I actually tried no contact, but he would always break me down and start crying and professing his love for me. He would tell me how he knew we would get married and it was inevitable. after dating a year, We were planning a trip to go to San Diego. He told me that he was going to leave me for a couple of days to go hang out with his friends in San Diego. I had a real problem with this and he told me that I was acting like a child. A few days later he told me he was going to give his wife another chance and we broke up. Devastated, I cried for a day or two before hearing from him again. He said that he knew that I was the one for him and now I was really his girl. However he will tell me that I did not go to san diego with him because I acted like a child about him wanting to leave me, when in actuality he was hoping his wife would take him back. When I would not take his calls he tried to tell me to give him the diamond necklace he bought back so he could put it in his safe and i could ask for it back when i started acting like a good girl. No.. i did not give it back. there is so much to write that I do not know what to focus on in telling the story. The last year of our relationship he bought a house and after a couple of months asked me to move in with him. I never felt that it was my house, I always felt like it was his, but he wanted me to clean and cook and take care of his kids. he kept telling me how beautiful I was and that we were going to get married. last year this time He got very angry with me because I did not want to stay at home and watch his kids one night while he went flying. He was getting his pilot’s license and constantly flying. He even told me that he started lying to me About flying because he knew that I would be upset. I was upset. I had no life for me. I lived it for him. I was watching his kids all the time. Then all of the sudden he SAT me down and told me he did not want to blend families and kicked me and my kids out of the house. This was very confusing considering just a few days before he was wanting me to have my mail forwarded to the house And telling me how beautiful and amazing I was. Two weeks later he came back into my life. He told me that we had the best relationship and he missed me. I explained that I had been doing some soul searching and had decided that I did not want to have sex with him anymore unless I had a ring on my finger. the next day he called To tell me he wanted me to meet him at church. He told me that he knew he wanted to marry me. He sat our kids down outside of the church and told them that we were getting married. We then spent the rest of the week talking about what our life would be like married and what our expectations were. But he would say things like how his friends never saw him with me because I did not look like a Barbie doll. I felt so insecure. I am tall 5’11n blue eyes and look younger than my age. I use to model. But during our last year together i was so stressed i gained weight and comments like that really hurt. The new girl is half my height and tiny and i am trying to loose enough weight to look like a barbie. Anyway a week after telling the kids we were getting married, he broke up with me again. He told me to fight for us and to leave the door a little open. I had no idea what he was talking about. A few days later he took his kids shopping for wedding rings for me. He sent the pictures of the Rings to my children asking them which ring I would like. My kids begged me to go over To his house and I did. He just showed me the picture and I thought to myself If you really wanted to marry me you would have an actual ring not a picture of one. But He sweet talked me and I gave into him sexually. He broke up with me the next day. I should also mention that the last month we were together he got into an argument with my son, pushed him across the room, told him what a bad influence he was on his children, and proceeded to tell him that if we broke up it was because of him. a month later he saw me at church and wanted to meet me. He said I was beautiful and he missed me. He begged me to come home with him but I luckily decline. For the next month we would talk, he told me that he still had not given up on the idea of marrying me, and told me that maybe in a year we could date again after some time apart. I was buying it. However A month later, he finally told me that he had moved on and was seeing somebody else for a couple of weeks and told me I needed to move on to. I asked him how this could be considering he just tried kissing me the week before and he said that he and the new girlfriend had not gotten intimate or kissed yet. I was devastated. He told me how wonderful she was and how she had her own business and was a good Christian girl. I was hurt and felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. His ex wife contacted me the beginning of the year. For 2 years I hated his ex wife with a passion. He told me the most horrible things about her and I could not understand why he tried to leave me to go back to her. As it turns out, none of it was true. She and I have become very close and she is one of the sweetest human being I’ve ever met. She told me how my ex boyfriend and the new girl had been dating for months and he took her on our 2 year anniversary trip (he slept with me a few days before). I was devastated. I was shocked because I was living with him while he was dating this girl. the new girl believes I created problems for them in the beginning of their relationship Because I could not accept that he chose her over me. I did not even know about her until months later. I was hurt by all this. He moved her into the house only three months after dating her. We had dated for a year and a half before he moved me in. He appears to be good to her 2 young boys byt pushed my 11 yr old son around. He is now talking about marrying her. His ex wife told me that she never felt loved in a relationship and that he raped her one night and that is why she left him. She feels that he never loved her And that she could never trust him. while they were married, he went to China and got a prostitute and took pictures of the condom to send to his friend. She found the pictures And at first he denied it. That was the final blow to their marriage. And he spent the entire first year of our relationship Stalking her and trying to get her back while he was telling me how much he loved me. I always felt like I was being punished if I misbehaved Or did something that he did not approve of. He used me and made me feel discarded. A month after telling me about the new gf, he contacted me. I did not respond so he texted me telling me i was a hyprocrite. It is almost a year since we broke up. I haven’t dated in a year and have tried healing. But now it seems that he is treating this new girl so good, she moved in with her kids just a couple of months after me. He was furious to learn the ex wife n I are friends and showed up in my driveway a few months ago demanding i talk to him so he can say his peace. I wouldnt allow it. He threatened to follow me so he could tell me what he needed to say but i closed the door in his face. I haven’t seen him anymore. He sent a letter to his ex wife telling her how much he loves and looks forward to growing old with the new gf and her kids. He said how lucky he is to have her and someone who can financially contribute to the household. I was in school when we dated and his wife neverr worked so that was a dig. He knows that we are good friends now, so I’m not sure if that was actually supposed to go to me through her. I keep searching for answers. he seems to be treating her well and wanting her. He has never broken up with her, yet he broke up with me 17 times. What does that say? Can he actually have real feelings for her if a narcissist? Does he sound like a narcissist or just a cruel guy?
Id really like some advice please? Ive been in a relationship with a man I love for 4.5 years. I have found out he lied about his name, many other things, and is also on dating sites. Im crushed and cant work out how to end it. Im worried I’ll miss him so much it will kill me. I have anxiety about change and getting older etc. Im just crying all the time lately.
Hi Joelene, you are loving him, more than you are loving yourself. He lies to you, has no respect for you. He cheats on you. Who is this man that you are so in love with?
Idk maybe this has been asked but if I’m pretty positive my friend who I used to date is a sociopath, should I ask him if he is? I’m more curious about anything and it would give me a lot of peace of mind. It makes perfect sense. He loves modulating, gets in bar fights, cheats on his long time girl friends like its nothing, pathological liar, dates many girls at a time when not in a realtionship and acts like each of them he’s been dating for years and then on to the next girl in a week, and I’m scared cuz what if he’s not or that he’ll get deffensive but it would make so much sense. I think he values me as a person because I’m honest and not scared to call him out on his bull shit. I have a lot of self respect so am not easily minipulated by him even though we did hook up again for a little recently but it was more of a friends with benefits thing. I think he’s amazing! So smart and goofy and creative, natural leader. But yah how do I ask him if he’s a sociopath. I haven’t talked to him in a week because he screwed me over again and I got mad but I really wana know if I’m right and I do care about him, Ik he’s going through a Ruff time and I researched it and I think he might be kinda depressed as far as sociopaths can be and I wonder if he even knows he is. Ik he knows he’s different and has atleast intertwined the idea of crazy… But yah would calling him out be bad? I wana just text him and be like, oh my god it all makes so much sense, are you a sociopath?
Sorry I didn’t proof read, the worst is minipulating instead of modulating haha
he wouldn’t admit it, or might not even know what one is, even if you did ask him?
Yah maybe, I may still try, from what I told you do you think he sounds like one? We’re good enough friends that I think if I told him I was just curious and wouldn’t tell anyone he might confess to me cuz he know the truth gives me peace of mind. should I try to do it in person? And yah if he doesn’t know he’s one do you think knowing would help him at all?
It’s a weird thing to ask though cuz obviously if he’s not it’s almost worst cuz that just means he’s that much of an asshole. Either way I’m fine cuz Ik no matter what nothing he does at this point could effect me cuz Ik this about him and see him so objectively now. I’m almost positive. It make so much sense
I was in a relationship with someone who I think was a narcissistic sociopath. At the time, I did not realize he was being emotionally abusive, I thought I just wasn’t good enough. After reading all the posts and articles, I now see how he used all the sociopathic weapons of triangulation, gaslighting, projection, and secluded me everyone. It was a very toxic relationship. It has been a year. He had me replaced before we ever broke up with broke my heart, but I now see that was also a sociopathic move. He and his gf have been living together for a year. The last time I saw him was a few months ago when I told him I did not want to see him. So just the other day he sent me a long email saying he camr across some of my stuff as well as gifts I had gotten him and wanted to know if I wanted them back??? He also put in “In hope you are doing well.” I am curious to respond but I know it is best to say nothing. Why would a person want to give me things back after a year? Anyway, just wanted to know is that normal or is this just another sociopathic way to get into my head?
Ugh no, he is trying to sucker you back in. This is just an excuse to contact you. They always ask ‘hope you are doing well?’ to show that they care. But really he is trying to get back inside of your head. Likely things are not going too well with his latest victim, so he hunts down someone else. They cant be on their own, so have to always have someone there to give them attention 😦 Like you said ‘why’ give you things back after a year? Cos in that year he was busy elsewhere. This is just an excuse. Truth is, if you didn’t need those possessions in a year, you don’t need them now!!
Thank you for your quick response! Yes, that is what I was thinking. I so badly wanted to write back “burn them for all I care!” But I felt any response would give him some sort of satisfaction. After a year, who would miss it. And what in the world would I do with gifts I made him? Ok.. thank you. I am finally better and can see him and his games more clearly. This site has been a lifesaver!
Oh they were gifts that you made him? Well also to get an emotional response from you. Stupid huh?
Im so sorry youre in pain. My sp started cheating too – broke my heart. Where did you get the information on the sp tools?
Happy to talk anytimex
I got the informationbfrom here as well as Melanie Tonia Evans. And just looking up the methods led me to a bunch of psychology sites that taight me more.
I was seeing a girl at work who I sincerely believe is a sociopath. Things ended and I still work with her and it is incredibly uncomfortable. What should I do? I feel completely awkward around her and ignore her at all costs. This I feel is the healthiest way to go about things, but I have a burning inkling to call her out and ask her if she’s aware that she is a sociopath; I realize most likely she’ll deny it. Not sure what this would accomplish, as she is so deceiving, manipulative, and can’t trust anything she says. It’s like at work I’m the only one aware of this (although many males have claimed she’s “hit” on them, and a lot of people don’t like her) and I can’t do anything about it. I’m seriously thinking of looking for another job.
I wouldn’t recommend calling her out and asking if she was a sociopath Keith? I would imagine that she wouldn’t act favourably if you did. Likely she might not know she is one. Secondly in the workplace you lead yourself wide open to getting into trouble, and facing disciplinary for harassment and abuse. If she was one she would love this.
I just got word from a doctor (who happens to be my girlfriend of eight years) that I am a sociopath. It has really affected my relationship in an awful way. I’ve been unable to stop the lies and deceptions even though I know it’s wrong on a surface level. It’s as though deeper down I don’t really believe that my actions are wrong and I feel my lies are justified, against all logic. Every time I meet a woman at school (I’m a premedical student), whether it’s a fellow student or a coworker (I’m an EMT part time) I develop an infatuation and start concealing her existence, telling my girlfriend that my ambulance partner or lab partner is a guy, for instance.
She always finds out the truth because she’s a lot smarter than I am, and every time it breaks her down and ruins her trust in me. I’ve never been physical in any way with any other woman but she has shown me that my behavior is trending in that direction. I don’t want to lose her, I can’t stand to see her so hurt and devastated, and I want to be able to respect myself again!
All the self-help material online and in books is for the partners of sociopaths, not for the sociopath himself. But my girlfriend is an internal medicine fellow at a major hospital and has a workload way too strenuous to take on something like that. Where can I find material for helping the sociopath fix himself? If you know of any books or organizations I can turn to, that would be really appreciated.
One question I have is how do you get over it. Hiw do you reconcile the fact that he could be talking about something thsr was to happen in next few weeks, and then just end it!!!
We exchange a few texts eachieve day but he ended it!!!! A 4 yr relationship!!
Are you still in contact Joelene?