When the relationship with the sociopath ends, there is so much confusion. Of course there is confusion, you have been lied to, deceived, manipulated. You are left, hurt, confused, bewildered, and in the fog. Nothing makes sense. It is common to ask the following questions:
- Why me?
- Why did I deserve this?
- What have I done to deserve this?
- Was I not good enough?
- Did I seem an easy target?
- Did he ever love me?
- Was anything real?
Feeling this way, and asking the question “why?” and seeking the answer for this, is a normal human reaction. What you have experienced is not normal. It is not what we are told is normal to expect from a relationship. Often, we didn’t know that people like this existed. I honestly believed that only children told lies. I knew that adults lied about small things, everybody tells white lies, but I didn’t understand or fully comprehend that adults lied. Not just small lies, but massive outrageous lies.
This can make you question yourself. You can question what is real, and what is not.You can become desperate for answers to the question why?
Often the relationship with the sociopath ended suddenly and without warning. Because the sociopath is manipulator and deceptive, he would have been planning his escape, behind your back, long before you were aware. It is only after the relationship has ended, that the truth begins to emerge. It is not always this way, but a sociopath rarely admits when he has done something and so even if you suspected that he was cheating, or that he was planning his escape behind your back, he would have denied it, and likely accused you of making a fuss, and causing a scene. He would have told you that you were being crazy. This is classic sociopathic deception.
The sociopath has the ability to leave the relationship, empty without closure. Sometimes this is so that they can return, if it suits them to do so, but always it will be because he doesn’t really think about how you are feeling, and your welfare. He doesn’t see how he has a responsibility to give you answers.
You could be left begging for answers. Trawling the internet trying to seek the answer to ‘why’ to fully understand.
Whilst it is true that some people are easier targets for a sociopath, if they are vulnerable, or lonely, or in need of something (which the sociopath will skillfully assess and offer you), at other times, there is no reason why? It could be anybody that has what he wants and needs (and thinks he has a right to)
It isn’t that you are stupid or weak to have believed in him. You need to remember that he is the master manipulator and would have played a role tailor made to seduce YOU. He would have assessed your needs and wants, and then became your ‘perfect man’ to lure you in.
It isn’t that he has lied and deceived only you.He has done this before, and he will go on to do the same to the next person, and the one after, just as he has in previous relationships. If he has cheated, and gone off with someone else, she isn’t better than you, as he will do the same to her too. Sociopaths get bored easily. The need a challenge. As they have little else in life.
Sometimes in life, it can be difficult to see why? This can be difficult, when you are stuck in confusion. Right now you need answers, only answers will end the confusion. And you will get those answers. It is unlikely that those answers will come from the sociopath, as how could you believe anything that came out of his mouth anyway?
There is only one answer to why…. and that is, that this person is a person with a disordered mind. It has no reflection on you at all. It is a reflection on him. You will gain answers in other ways, by learning about the disorder, and if you talk to other people who have been involved with a sociopath, you will realise that every sociopath does the same thing. Every narcissist does the same thing. If you read about sociopathy, you will realise that whilst your experience was not a normal experience for you. The behaviour is normal for sociopaths and narcissists.
By learning and understanding, the more that you read, the more that you learn, the quicker you come out of the fog of confusion and begin to heal. You can start to let go. The psychological damage to you, is your problem and you might feel bitter and angry. But anger and bitterness does not last forever. Neither does confusion.
This is a poem that I found on the internet, by Lucy Gossen. It was before I discovered that he was not only a compulsive pathological liar, but a sociopath. It makes sense.
Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
While all around you are but pawn’s for your own use.
Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
In reality I watch as your psychosis gradually worsens.
The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.
8 thoughts on “Sociopaths and Narcissists and the question of WHY?”
Compulsive lying is one of the diagnostic criteria for ASPD/Sociopathy. That was a brilliant poem and post on the topic by the way 🙂 I’m always interested to read your posts and see how similar many of tricks of the sociopaths trade are to those utilised by many other personality disordered individuals. No matter what PD a person is burnt by, the non-PD seems to be left in the same stunned state asking the exact same questions. Thanks again. I love your work 🙂
You are welcome, I enjoy reading yours also!! 🙂
Excellent post, positivagirl. I had the most difficult time moving on from the relationship due to the lack of closure. I kept on asking him questions, trying to understand why and how things had disintegrated. I had to move on and accept the fact that I wasn’t going to get closure from such an unstable and emotionally convoluted man. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts – always helpful to relate to someone who’s been through it as well.
You are welcome DIVA, am glad that it is of use to you. I think that is the biggest point. Is that you are better off getting answers elsewhere, because trying to get them from him will be a waste of time. It will only cause you more pain. and you CAN get those answers elsewhere.
For all the bad parts of the relationship – the ending moving on, could be the easiest because there are books and literature and other people who have written about him…. and even dated him… you are not alone!!
I LOVE that poem! Perfect, perfect, PERFECT. I’m adding it to my FB page!
This has been really helpful. Read this before you sent it on, but definitely a good “perspective check” re-read. Though, sometimes it’s like “am I the one that’s the sociopath”? *wry laugh*
I have written a post about that too!! Somewhere, I am just going through the site. Feeling like YOU are the psycho is common. I felt like this too. I think the reason why is because you are forced to respond. And also the things that they say to you, that they complain about….. i think after a while your emotions switch off. You need to do that to survive, not because you are a sociopath, just to survive.
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