The sociopath and the cycle, rinse, spin, repeat pattern

washing machine

A baby can be transfixed by watching a washing machine go round and round. The clothes spinning in the machine can be fascinating to watch.

An adult wouldn’t choose to watch a washing machine cycle over and over again. It isn’t soothing and calming, in fact the noise from the spin, can be quite irritating.

This is how it feels to date a sociopath. The same repeated pattern over and over again. What is very bizarre is that if you speak to other victims, they have all experienced the same patterns of behaviour. Identical, as if they were dating the same person.

Each time the sociopath makes empty, false promises to be a ‘good’ ‘productive’ person and to do all that they promised to do in the first place, you are hopeful that things will change and you will have a ‘normal’ relationship. This is especially true if you still love the sociopath, or if you have invested so much in terms of time, energy, emotions, love. To finally hear that they are going to be the person that they pretended to be, or that they will fulfil empty promises, makes you want to stay there, after all you don’t want to be wrong, you don’t want to have invested all of that time and energy for nothing.

The truth is, that the sociopath WILL keep (no matter what they say) repeating the same behaviour over and over. Even if they have all the best intentions in the world not to do so. You would therefore only be setting yourself up for more of the same behaviour


  • Poor impulse control
  • Failure to learn from past mistakes
  • Opportunistic
  • Lack of long term plans and realistic long term goals
  • Low tolerance of boredom
  • Seeing life as a game, and others in life as players in the game
  • Dupers delight and the joy of conning
  • Finding it easier to lie, than to be honest, the ability to live behind the mask

Due to the above personality traits, the sociopath will continue to repeat the same behaviour. Even when they do not mean to. When they say that they ‘promise’ to change. Even swearing on their dying grandmothers life, or their childrens, or anyone else who they think will pull on your heartstrings, they are simply saying words.

To the sociopath, when they say the words they can convince themselves that their word is true. Sometimes they mean it (at the time), at other times, Β it is merely an opportunity to dupe and con some more, or to use this as an extended period of time to use you for source of supply.

Things might change, for a short period of time, but the boredom factor kicks in, and then all promises are out of the window, and things return as normal. You wonder how did you get dragged back into this yet again?

The washing machine analogy is a Β good one. Being in a relationship with a sociopath, you can actually feel as if you have been through the cycle of the washing machine, left with your head spinning. If you allow it, the sociopath, they will lure you back in to do the cycle all over again. Do you want this?

This is the cycle of abuse. If you are feeling confused, or like your head has been stuck in the fast spin of a washing machine, this is why. You are being programmed by the sociopath, manipulated and controlled. Even after the relationship has ended the sociopath will still play games, manipulate and control you. Either using others to do this, or by deliberate silence, or letting you know what a great time they are having now you are not in their life (after all it was all your fault). That they are happy and you are miserable (this isn’t true either).

This is just a ruse. It wasn’t your fault. There was nothing that you could have done to change things. You cannot control, or change a master manipulator. Nobody can. We are all responsible for ourselves. We can only change ourselves, nobody else.

It might hurt to remove yourself from the game. Yes, the silence can be painful. You deserve so much better. In reality, you will WIN…. you win because

  • You can take responsibility and charge for you and your life
  • Nobody else is turning your world upside down
  • Financially all of your money is your own. Even if you have been wiped out, you can now start to rebuild
  • You are FREE – to do what you want, see who you want, go where you want

It is impossible to start to rebuild your life, and to stop being in this crazy pattern of cycle, rinse, spin and then repeat…. unless you remove yourself. Stop being a player in the game.

When you stop playing the game, the sociopath can at first up the drama to engage you to play. If you refuse to engage, if you establish no contact, the sociopath will eventually get bored and move onto a new player in their crazy game of life.

You cannot really lose anything in this life. The only thing that you can really lose is YOU. Other things that you lose (such as death) is not your fault and out of your hands (and I believe that life is eternal). Finances can be rebuilt, you can find new friends, get a new job, anything can be rebuilt. But you can lose yourself, and this is the biggest loss of all.

Find yourself, love yourself, focus on you. This is all that you have control over. You.

How many of you went through this repeated cycle of behaviour, over and over? How many times, before you said ENOUGH??

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139 thoughts on “The sociopath and the cycle, rinse, spin, repeat pattern”

  1. Another awesome post…

    10 years, on and off, so, countless times…over, and over, and over again.

    It took me realizing I was one of many, not just one or the other, to realize that I sacrificed some of my greatest times and happiness for someone who had 8 others.

    Realized right then and there, in the middle of a holiday with him, that I was leaving him, not when we got home, but right that instant, although it was the middle of the night. My animal instincts took over, and I needed it to end right then and there. And that I couldn’t literally listen to another word that came out of his mouth. So, I demanded he didn’t talk until we got home, and threw the rest of him out once we finally did. Couldnt have made it more clear that I wanted and needed nothing from him, from that point forward.

    1. Am glad I looked here GL I seem to have a problem with notification of comments. I didn’t get a notification that you commented arragh I am sure that i must miss a lot of comments.

    2. I would love to talk to the ex-wife of the s/path that recently targeted me. Having known him some years before, he continued to crawl back into my life on occasions but I wasn’t interested and to be honest used him too. He separated and started his plot to win me back which continued for 18 months until he wore me down. I was vulnerable having been through a difficult time in my life. I wasn’t fully functioning and let him in only to be idealized, devalued and discarded in the most horrific way. So many sob stories of how his ex treated him and abused him, Yeah, right. He’s a cheat and a liar and no doubt she had had enough of him. I was replaced instantly, of course, and he paraded her around for all to see. He’s still cheating so she gained nothing. I wish I could let go but they become addictive, feeding you back your dreams. Even though I know they were empty promises, I still go back to the dream I was sold. My only hope is that karma will catch up with him and he will go through the hell which he really deserves.

      1. Hi Wiser πŸ™‚

        I would love to talk to the ex of my Soc also, he was married to her for 25 years before she finally had enough. That was 10 years ago & I have been one of his victims for 10 long years 😦
        I met him via an ex mistress whom he put through ‘Torture by Triangulation’ I posted this article it’s on the My Story section of this blog πŸ™‚
        My own story is under here also in older comments June 14th if your interested?
        I was vulnerable like you & sold the same bizarre story that he feed us all.
        I spoke with my replacement & he says exactly the same lines, gifts etc…even the same intimate routine.
        My Soc is high functioning Charismatic etc…& is 58 now so, he’s been at it a very long time
        Still I am glad the OW set me free & i feel sorry that he is now fully into gaming mode on her.
        She knows what he is & she is a Dr of Sociology (studies human behavior & lectures worldwide). I really believe he is gleaning & feeding off her for her qualifications, she’s wealthy & well connected socially so, he has gone for a bigger trophy to put in his collection.
        He collects Royal Dalton ladies & has them in a glass cabinet! This is really symbolic I feel.
        His son (late 20’s) is his wing man & I recently recalled that he collects the figurines from the “Predator” movies, have the whole evil collection…..My God this is such a revelation it blows my mind!!!

        I really think I got one of the Leaders Of The Sociopath Society! He’s even a “Freemason” the weird masonic cult that exists til this day…OMG!!!!

        Love & Light πŸ™‚

        PR xoxox

      2. Thanks PR, just read your story and there are so many similarities. I’m amazed at what I read here, just how many spaths are there out there?!! Quite scary really. I was always such a strong person. When I knew my spath before I didn’t take any crap from anyone which I suppose kept his interest. The thing is I matured and grew up and he has got much worse. When I look back he was very controlling then and obsessively jealous even of my female friends. He wanted me all to himself. The funny thing is I wasn’t attracted to him at all this time around. I though he was short, fat and had a strange grey pallor about him (without meaning to sound shallow) and wondered what I ever saw in him. He wore me down. I was bored at the time and had had a difficult year before so thought it might be a bit of fun and I did enjoy the attention (although, unusually for a spath it seems, he was a useless lover!) Oh God, if only I had got out then and not started anything. He pursued me either to “pay me back” for leaving him or to make his ex jealous, one or the other – triangulation. The thing that bugs me the most is not that I lost him because I do see that I lost nothing. He is a complete parasite wanting to hook onto someone else’s life because he doesn’t have a life. He has no real friends and his family don’t bother with him. He loathes authority figures so loses jobs because of that. He is a low-functioning spath with menial jobs that he hypes up to sound like he is someone his colleagues look up to when in reality they all hate him behind his back. Everything about him is fake. No, the thing that bugs me is that I played right into his hands and I couldn’t see it and i’m not usually duped. He even told me that he was a loser!!!!! Had I not known him before I wouldn’t have looked at him twice nor would I have bought the sob stories. I’ve now found out that he was womanizing and drinking right through his marriage and he was seeing his friend’s wife and meeting women online while he was seeing me. The thing is, he thinks I still miss him when the truth is “like a hole in the head”! I never did confront him with what I know – let him sit there smugly thinking he pulled the wool over my eyes when I see him for who he truly is. It doesn’t matter what he thinks because I’m FREE and will never ever go back there again. This way, if he thinks I still care, he will leave me alone as the fun of the GAME has gone. He has manipulated his latest victim (handpicked as she works with vulnerable people) to the point that she has changed her hair colour – something he tried to get me to do and failed. He couldn’t manipulate me, he even said he couldn’t tell what I was thinking, I think it was too much of an effort to try and work out where he stood with me. He really is a lowlife scumbag and nothing good will ever come of him. I’d like to dance on his grave! One thing is, I’m beginning to get that fight back in me that has been missing for a while….

        Love to all on this site – we are lucky in that we can have proper fulfilling relationships, the ones the spaths seek but will never find xxxx

    3. Eight is a lot of women to be running at one time. How did he manage to keep all that from you and, how did you uncover the truth? I’m assuming he lied about his degree of associations with some (called them “friends”, etc.?) Short of hiring an investigator, I’m just not sure how to ever know the truth, if a person wanted to.

      1. You won’t have to look to hard Jus to find the others, his phone account & emails will be enough.
        Mine had heaps of women in his phone….all clients etc….????
        I know of at least 5 OW’s in with me….eeeewwwww 😦
        Married women affairs especially cause they don’t tell & your own friends so, just ask around?

        PR x

      2. I just moved to the area first of the year… he was the first person I met. So, he hasn’t had the opportunity to be around friends. I don’t have access to his phone or email. I believe both those would tell the story though. Today, I received two IMs that seem to have been conversation with someone else. The most recent one just happened a few minutes ago. Who knows what nonsense he’s up to now or if he’s just really that unskilled. I can’t take him seriously anymore, I know that.

      3. No Jus you can’t 😦

        i know it’s hard but, it’s the reality setting in as the illusion has shattered 😦
        Pick up the pieces of your heart bella & we’ll stand by you πŸ™‚

        Love & Light PR xoxoxo

    4. ,omg same here, had my fill of the BS so I just called her (of course she didn’t pick up) I went to voicemail, so I told her its not working out good by and hung up, boy she returned that message fast lol…just let all her calls go to VM. it was one of the hardest things I ever did but in the long run the best thing I ever did

      1. Having a hard time this week and reading this made me smile. I hope you have kept up no contact. I am envious that you have the courage and strength to do what I can’t yet. Haven’t heard from the spath in five days and it’s hard for me to sit on my hands and not call him even though I know what he is. Feeling pangs of jealousy because I know when he isn’t calling me, things are going well for him and the the OW. I hate that he always wins. Congrats to you on finding the strength. I hope I can get to where you are now someday.

  2. When I read these posts it’s like all my feelings are being addressed. It amazes me that you are spot on!! It’s almost frightening.
    How long does this take? I will never let him back as I have countless times before. I am past that stage. Now it’s letting it go as you so perfectly said above… The love, time, emotions etc. I put everything in it that it would work. That was the only way that would make it ok for what I went through and did for him.

      1. Actually it was perfectly said and true. I just wish it would be 2 weeks and your all good!! It is my time to change the direction of my thought process.
        It is so helpful to read what is here. It’s makes me feel sane!!
        Every word has been my life with him. I truly am telling you this site has given what I have needed to get ME back since I met him.
        I just cannot believe they are all like this.
        Thank you!

      2. Your welcome Kat, after living with the lies. It is important to see the truth.

        Many years ago I was coming out of a bad relationship. I was broken. I called this psychic for help. Please when is this pain going to go away? When will it stop?

        The answer was the same, it was blunt but true. When you want to. I was upset at the time, but it took me a while to take it in. It was true.

        It wasn’t too long after that, that I decided to let it go. I mean really let it go. Give up hope. The truth is realistically I had been hurting myself. With wanting things to be different, and to have a happier outcome. Once I made the decision to leave. To not return in anyway. I said goodbye, thanked for the experiences and the teaching, and wished him well in life. From there it was over. Gone for good. That was a new start in my life for me. I started to see things differently.

        I realised that as hurtful as what that psychic had said to me that day was, it was true. I was hurting myself. By not fully letting go. Once I accepted the truth and let go…. life changed. This is one of the reasons why I believe what I do. We often need answers for closure. Everyone needs this, especially after a relationship with a sociopath. Once you have those answers (which you can gain from other people and online information) – you have no further need for any form of contact. Stop hurting yourself, and punishing yourself. Forgive yourself…. love yourself. πŸ™‚

    1. Kat…I think it is important to realize that the person you fell in love with wasn’t real and the real person is someone you never would have dated had they shown you their true colors from the beginning. Once you can wrap your mind around that, I think you will find it much easier to move on. I wish you the best!!

      1. You are a blessing Positivagirl!!! Thank you Kimmi. I have had a hard time doing that until now. I finally am willing to accept that especially after this site. It’s like reading my life (that no one understood how I could be in it as they saw him for what he is) Now I have an understanding of why….Feeling thankful πŸ™‚

  3. Honestly I couldn’t even count how many times. My relationship with my S was not a romantic one. There was a bond for sure on my end but I didn’t allow it to cross the physical line for reasons that are too deep to get into here. My point is that you don’t have to actually day a sociopath to experience this cycle. They do it with family members and friends as well. Especially if you are a family member or friend that hangs in there with them while they seem to try to pull their life together. My sociopath is a drug addict. Heroin is his drug choice but anything will do. It took me a long time to figure out that he was sellfmedicating himself to promote some kind of feeling within since they are dead inside. When sociopaths are drug addicts or alcoholics is tremendously harder to convince others that the addiction is not the real problem. Also sociopathic addicts get the benefit of hiding what there real problem is under a second mask of addiction. It has been a long journey for me and I have been tossed in the washer a thousand times. I still have flashbacks daily of random incidences that now are so clear to me as to what was going on. God can release you….just ask .

    1. I spent 27 years of my life working with homeless. So I understand the patterns of drug users. I can honestly say that the sociopath repeated identically the pattern of behaviour of the drug addict. It was really bizarre. I recognised the pattern of behaviour from my clients at work who had drug addiction. I wondered were all of those sociopaths too? They took to using drugs? As the one I was with didn’t use drugs, but he behaved identically to people who were drug dependent. I don’t know if there is a correlation. All I can say is that the pattern of behaviour was identical.

  4. Wow wow wow — I just never thought I would hear so many people who have gone through what I went through. Broken empty promises time and time again. When my S left, I did not want him back, he was found living with another woman by the police, which really was not a shock to me in many ways. What was shocking was how he left and never said he was going. I have done a lot of rebuilding since, been shaking my head wondering how I could have been stupid, and now really know what I don’t want. I can sympathize with the people who had ones with addictions — mine drank ALOT. He though he was above ever getting caught and to my knowledge so far hasn’t . He could not accept he had a problem — it was everyone else of course. He drives for a living so if he ever does get caught he is toast. But that is ok he will just lie and steal and get ahead that way. He worked pretty hard, but had nothing and used me over and over. I always feel he will try to come back to me and I have felt this way since he left over a year ago. I don’t know why , but my gut tells me so. Others laugh at me and say never “he was so unhappy” , well they don’t realize it was him and his cycle, not me. I was good to him and too good. One thing the whole sour experience has taught me is what I don’t want in the future. No more “washing machine” for me please!!!

    1. No more…I see a lot of similarities in our stories. Mine had an alcohol and pain pill addiction, even went to jail for getting caught with a fraudulent prescription. He has committed so much fraud and thinks he is above the law as well. I have reported him to so many agencies and he hasn’t been caught yet, but I really feel it is only a matter of time. Someday he will try to come back, a sociopath never fully lets go of a previous victim. My ex went back 30 years to find someone he had dated and that is who he is with now. His new gf had me blocked on facebook and just a few days ago I saw that she had unblocked me…is it him trying to find out what he can, (I have him and his whole family blocked from everything and even moved 75 miles away) or is the gf waking up to the truth and contemplating talking to me? Some of my ex’s kids, my kids and myself tried to warn her what he is and she refused to listen. Needless to say, I have blocked her…I really don’t want to hear from her. They are always on the hunt for a source of supply and it is easier for them to go back to a previous victim than to try to find a new one…

  5. Great Post πŸ™‚

    I knew it was coming πŸ™‚ I have been tuning in to my guides & watching this blog evolve even with the Soc’s that have been trying to play & amuse themselves!
    I stayed 10 years in & out, up & down, over & over….Why, because I cared & did not want to believe that the person I had given my heart to was a waste of time.
    I look for & see the best in people, that is what the Soc’s see in us πŸ™‚
    Only a pure, accepting heart will try & help a black heart.
    We are the caring, compassionate ones & that’s why the uncaring, dispassionate Soc’s hone in on us. Prime targets because we care & they don’t 😦

    As I have said many times before, we have to forgive them because they are incapable of forgiving themselves. They will never have what we have so they are to be pitied not scorned.

    Rise Up Sociopath Survivors, they have come into our lives to teach us a lesson & that lesson is simple.
    We are the love & light of the world….we will triumph over evil but, we will endure great hurt to find our inner POWER πŸ™‚
    Clear your inner space & watch your life transform πŸ™‚

    Be the light for others, we are survivors πŸ™‚

    PR xoxo

    1. Very true — we are the ones with the good hearts — that is why we were targeted in the first place. We had it together in a way they will never know. I loved mine dearly at first — it took a little time for the cracks to show and then to turn into chasms — but he could still hold out false hope and I feel for it even when I was starting to lose that love. It was time invested — 8-1/2 years that made me believe we could make it. Problem was he was looking for someone else during 3 of them. I have realized in retrospect that he is no good to himself , so therefore cannot be good for anyone else. It is kind of a pitiful existence not being able to ever feel true emotion. I just can’t let my pity extend too far or I will be right back where I started LOL!

      1. You are so right, even pity is a wasted emotion on the emotionless Soc’s.
        “Your Beautiful” by James Blunt was just playing on the radio at work as I read your response so, the angels once again are conveying that back to you via me πŸ™‚

        We must stay on our path of healing, I think you are a ‘Wayshower’ as I may also be?
        You must look into this, it’s a message I got for you via my guides πŸ™‚

        Stay Positiva πŸ˜‰
        PR xoxo

    2. This is so true, through the darkness, our light is too bright for them. Knowledge is power when dealing with narc!!!

  6. Sometimes I feel so good and healed and other days I am sappy. I guess you cannot expect miracles after 8-1/2 yrs that you will just recover poof! However as long as the good times outweigh the bad times , I know I am progressing. I don’t know if I will know what to do if someone normal comes into my life– My ex husband was also a S — I really attract them ! But I am sure willing to try normal!

    1. Absolutely. Think about it. If you were in a healthy relationship for 8.5 years you wouldn’t just get over it like that. it is going to take time. But it should take no more time because the person was a sociopath than if they weren’t.

      It is like bereavement and grief though. The bad days become further and further apart.

      I wonder how you would find normal after dating more than one sociopath?

      1. Well hopefully I find it normal! That’s the thing, in the beginning with a sociopath they really seem normal because they mirror you. It will just be a change to be with an equal instead of a leech!
        I think it takes more time to heal from the sociopath though because your head is so messed up from it. You were blamed for everything, told lies , made to feel stupid, in debt etc etc. I know a break up is never good, but I have been through much better!

    2. Hey No More πŸ™‚

      Just work on getting yourself healed as I am doing after 10 years with a Soc & 19 with a addictive personality 😦
      Normal would be refreshing & I think we just have to maintain very, very, clear & healthy boundaries & then hope like hell we get normal πŸ™‚

      Be strong, happy & healthy πŸ™‚
      PR xoxo

      1. Hey Pheonix
        Even just writing on here and having people comment is healing I find. You are finally connecting with people who understand what you have been through. Most people just don’t get it — i guess thank goodness for them. i know I am strong and will come out ok from everything. I guess it is just I know I am way better off without that stress in my life! I know I smile more again so that is positive Hope you get your normal too! Glad you have your guides to help you!

      2. Thank you NMSP, we all have guides/intuition etc…we just need to stay true to ourselves & the rest will follow πŸ˜‰

        Have a great day, keep smiling πŸ˜‰

        PR x

  7. I had been through this cycle so many times that I honestly could not tell you how many there were. I do know there was 4 years of it. I honestly would encourage anyone in any relationship, whether with a sociopath or not to keep a journal. I did and I look back now and actually see the cycle he put me through. Over and over again. pathetic.. I think I was just as angry at myself for continuesly putting myself through the cycle. Thinking.. Hoping he would change. I don’t know what happened inside of me one day to finally kick him to the curb but I did. I miss him every once in a while and had even thought about contacting him.. I know crazy, right? But I just tell myself to get through the day and if I still feel the same the following day I will contact him. By the next day I will have come to my senses and no longer want to contact him. I am very thankful for your blog. It has help me so much.

    1. Hi Indygirl71,
      Yes keeping a diary/journal etc…is helpful πŸ™‚
      I have learnt from reading my own musings written 5 years ago that,
      ‘People only treat you one way….the way you allow them’.
      I wrote my misgivings about my relationship with my Soc & then went another 5 years repeating the patter, 10 years later at discard I realise I was part of the problem 😦
      I am looking within now for my answers & have gained a lot, hard but, true.
      Sociopaths mess with our heads but, our lack of self worth lets them.
      If I had valued myself higher I would never have taken what I did nor allowed myself to be compromised endlessly.
      New beginnings, freedom awaits & validation starts from within πŸ˜‰

      1. well the other day my S contacted me.. but, this time I was a little more prepared. I decided since I had nothing to lose I would send him a questioner on being a sociopath.. only I told him it was a questioner I got out of cosmo.. lol.. a lie, but I’ve been lied to repeatedly so I didn’t think it mattered. Anyway he said he would take it and I was in shock to his answers. I asked if he answered them honestly and he asked “Why, did I do it wrong??” I told him no, there were no wrong answers.. but, it really enlightened me on his thought process..
        I do know that I only feel sorry for him now, but I cannot change him and he cannot change himself. It is an illness. I also know he cannot be fixed. I asked him if he ever had feelings of love, sadness or anger not just towards me, but in general, he does know anger, I’ve seen it, but, I had to throw that in there. He did not answer. He just continued on like I never asked even though he was answering all the other questions. So, that was my answer to that..I don’t think he even comprehends what feelings are I know it was wrong to engage him and I know I was playing with fire. Since I know better from the questioner his thought process, I know I am not the “crazy” he said I was and I can put this final chapter to rest. I love the support of this blog. It was been a journey of enlightenment for me.

      2. Hi Indy,
        It is quite a shock realising you have been duped all along & its been an elaborate game that even the Soc thinks is normal???
        I am proud to accept that all the good stuff my soc represented was in fact me or my influence on him etc.., so you should be proud also. From what I have read & studied they usually only seek out the best targets for their attributes πŸ™‚
        So, after all is said & done, we are all pretty damn good πŸ˜‰
        Stay positive, happy & strong because without us the Soc is nothing. No heart just replicas of us & our usefulness to them. Really sad individuals when all is said & done!
        Take care, love & light to you. Xoxo

  8. I agree – and am so so done, unfortunately with children, I simply cannot remove the parasite. Now he is victimizing my children, with his lies and manipulation. My daughter (12) has caught on, she is refusing to have anything to do with him, she has invited him for months to an extra curricular activity she has. Not once has he made the effort to come see her. My son (10) he also has extra curricular activities, hasn’t come to a single practice. He is still waiting to be acknowledged by his father, (last ditch effort in my opinion). Yet he makes time to coach current girlfriends daughter baseball team, which my children have to attend every game on sat morning. What a slap in the face! He did the same thing with my older children. They LOVED him, like their DAD. When the money was GONE, so was HE. The older children, now grown, they GET him, ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT/GAMBLER = CON ARTIST is what they call him. I honestly believe he purposely withdrawals his love, affection or any anything for them because he KNOWS I can give them everything else, but his love. Then blames me for it? (to which I just say nothing, I am beyond defending my self these days). What kind of father, man does this? Today I am really broken about this. I am tired of my children’s hurt faces. I constantly have to fight for them, any kindness is weakness and it’s just old. πŸ˜•πŸ˜ πŸ˜‘ Thank You. // Yes, the belt on the spin cycle is about to break. I love the analogy. Hard to believe when I first bought my front loaders I loved them so much I used to watch them for a few mins with kids – we are such weirdos. 😊

    1. Hi NIBSIH πŸ˜‰

      Don’t beat yourself up you aren’t alone & your doing a great job under the most trying circumstances 😦
      He’s a pig to let your kids down but, like your older kids they too will come to realise what a loser he is 😦
      My ex husband prior to my Soc had alchohol,gambling,lying issues but, I have never thought he was a Soc??? Now I will have to really think about that one especially as he has done some weird stuff lately re my son 😦
      My Soc on the other hand was Textbook & I didn’t pick it until after he was exposed!
      I love my frontlaoder as well!!! πŸ™‚
      Oh well us weirdo’s are is the best possible company & we can wash those b@#*ards right out of our lives.
      Just don’t let your ex know he’s getting to you, be authentic, speak your truth & be honest with the kids because, trying to protect them from who he is only makes it harder on them.
      Don’t bag him but, don’t cover for him either.
      I did & it got me nowhere.
      My kids are disappointed that they have a father like that but, they have a great mother πŸ™‚
      Just like You! πŸ™‚

      PR xoxo

      1. I am curious after reading all of this. My S is overly good to his daughters (11 & 12) he used them to shoplift and got caught.
        He always overly spoils them when he has them. He only has visitation with them but sees them.
        He acts like a millionaire with no $ and spends what he does get with no regard.
        He’s an addict (I saved him and put him in rehab etc) gambler (we recently ended for good) and he posted he was in Vegas winning $30k
        He lies like its the truth
        Question is it also behavior of a soc to be like that too?

      2. I don’t know as I never thought of my ex husband as a Soc but, he was an alcoholic,gambler & liar & he came & went endlessly over our time together 😦
        I don’t think he’s a Soc??
        I think he feels but, now am not so sure that he didn’t fake it because, a lot of his bat shit crazy behavior on reflection & the patterns did repeat over & over & he was easily bored etc…OMG!!
        Great this could mean I’ve had two Soc’s 😦
        Still I have survived thus far so, going to really rise up out of this endless cycle & hopefully & finally be free πŸ™‚

    2. Sorry for what you are going through with children — it is hard. Issue is most sociopaths did not have a great childhood in one way or another either, so they are just so unable to give. Unfortunately they are very disturbed individuals who only do for themselves. Even what he is doing for someone else’s child will end awfully — and she will be hurt as well. There is no end to the trail of destruction they give– like a tornado, they go through your life not caring what they destroy. But like the aftermath there is always rebuilding, it just takes time. Be the best you can be for your kids and hopefully when they are old enough to see they will look at the strong giving Mom they had!

      1. I don’t discuss him in any negative light (we are in litigation). He has had enough rope to hang him self. I just pray, the courts will see his patterns of neglect, addict behavior, alcohol dependence and self-serving narc sociopathic life style, (which he cycles about 3 years). I love what girl for animal liberation wrote yesterday “If you quite telling lies about me, I’ll quit telling the truth about you!” I think I might use it in court. 😊! Thank you all. I appreciate the ability to vent, the only real life person who gets it is my dad, and he can only handle so much. (Poor thing, he’s older now).

      2. Vent away here as we do understand πŸ™‚
        Good Luck in court, just remember that the Soc is a master at manipulation & will do 7 say whatever he needs to save himself. just make sure he doesn’t make you look crazy as they are apt to do 😦
        Stay strong, you can & will be okay πŸ™‚

        PR xoxo

      3. Also when I find it I will cite the source, I recall reading a lot of NS like to gamble – poker was the game of choice. Unknown reason. Give me a few hours and I will relocate where I read it. I remember laughing because my ex loved to gamble and we live in Northern CA very close to Reno, NV and S Lake Tahoe.

      4. My last charismatic sociopath loved to play poker. I was in a pub with him (right before the truth came out), and someone had put lots of money into a fruit machine and not won. He said ‘I have to go on this now, I am an opportunist’ he was right. Another time when we almost got back together he said ‘I think I will be a professional poker player’ – and when he was with his last ex – she said that he spent a lot of his money playing online poker.

        Remember that they love the game. Life is a game. So gambling poker etc (as they also love strategy – it relieves boredom) and they love to win… its an ideal pursuit for them….

  9. Hi Nibsih, Kat & Nmsp,

    I don’t think my ex-husband is a Soc but, I am pretty sure he ADHD as they have the addictive personality, drug issues etc…& he never did the weird staring, love bombing, gaming crap that my Soc was textbook at.
    Still he gave me a hell of a rollercoaster ride for 19 years & then I got straight on the next loop the loopy ride with a Soc!
    Oh well I am now finding myself & really working hard to heal, believe & love myself πŸ™‚

    Good Luck to you all & thank you for all the support it’s been fantastic.
    I am really proud to know you all, even if it’s been under extraordinary circumstances & anonymously etc…I don’t think I could do it without you all πŸ™‚

    The Soc’s aren’t worthy of us nor do they deserve us & we will overcome them πŸ™‚

    Love, Health & Happiness to s all πŸ™‚

    1. Indygirl
      You are spot on with the advice on keeping a journal!
      I kept and still have two years of texts, over 2000 of them. It has helped me to see that all those times I doubted myself (when I was in the thick fog) that he has repeated many many things.

      Some of those things were excuses for not contacting me, believable on the first instance, although not a good enough excuse (a text only takes two mins)
      however, not a chance in hell could those things have happened again,,,,three years running and all round the same time of the year!

      Silly lies!!,,,,why?
      You know the first real conversation I had with him, he told me something about his past,only to completely contradict it the next day!

      I should have turned and walked away in that instance,,,,,I know he still lies like this,,which means he can lie about anything.
      I can’t and never will understand why I waste my time on him. H ecleverly keeps me in the distance feeding me crumbs,until I blow,,then a little more comes back to me.

      I know his actions and cycles so well now that I know what’s coming.

      1. WOW!! I am in shock Dorena.. I thought my journal was the only one that went through the cycles at the same time of year, month, day… what is up with that?? I am thinking his other gf must have had special things going on.. i.e. birthday, mothers day.. etc.. I should have RAN after I had met him two months into the relationship when I read a text to her from him that stated that that date would have been their anniversary.. I was so stupid that I believed him when he said it was only a one time thing and he was being sarcastic.. but, he repeated the cycle every year of breaking up with me on “their anniversary” or on “her birthday”, mothers day.. I was an idiot.. what really gets me, is my sister told me flat out, that I was NEVER one to take that kind of mistreatment from anyone why was I taking it from him?? I am disappointed in myself.. having looked back on my journals, emails and text and even voicemail I realize now what I did not know then.. and it has helped me tremendously …

      2. Its funny how sometimes it takes someone close to us observing this behavior to point it out…It took my best friend pointing out that its “always something!!” with him…and when I always go to her with the new messed up thing we are fighting about or that he did to me, it only lasts for 3-4 days before i forget about it, because he’s already on to the next messed up thing he is doing…and i become pre-occupied with something new. But if I actually wrote it down and looked at all the messed up things that happened, week after week, I would have enough ammo to walk way. Problem is, I became no jaded and blind to the whole thing, just desperately pushing and wanting it to work, that I lost sight of the big picture.

        Eyes wide open now!!

      3. What kills me is I was so in love with him.. I worshipped the ground he walked on.. before I knew he was a sociopath, and before I knew I was being gaslighted.. I was reading on the internet how to get your ex to come back.. and I remember reading on the internet to mirror someone to get them back.. WHAT I did not know then is that article was to get back a NORMAL person.. when I started mirroring him (what the article said to do) my sociopath backed WAY off.. I guess I was acting too much like him! LOL!! He asked me one time why I was acting the way I was and I told him I was mirroring him.. I told him I will give to you exactly what you give to me.. If you give me 100% I will give you 100%.. you do nice things for me I do nice things for you.. you disregard me I disregard you.. he laughed then backed WAY off.. lol.. I was always fighting for crumbs.. and it sickens me that I wasted 4 years of my life on him.. what a WASTE.. but, thanks to this blog I am educating myself to not get into another relationship like that..

      4. Yes, i can relate (and i’m sure others can, too) to the feeling of wanting to do “anything” to get him back…

        But the mass illusion here is, that we did something “Wrong” in the first place to lose him. Which is incorrect. How can we possibly “correct” our behavior to “get him back” when we seemingly did nothing wrong??

        the matching and mirroring thing is funny, and that he backed off. I never matched and mirrored mine, but I told him once that I didn’t “need” him and that I had him in my life by choice, which should be seen as more valuable than someone who just “needs” to “use” another person in their life, and he looked at me, so confused, and actually said he wasn’t sure if our relationship was a good idea.

        He later berated me for being “too independent” and that “no one can get close to you” and how he “can never win with me”….because we would fight and fight and fight…I would back away, trying to catch my breath, and he would then tell me he has a surprise for us to jet off somewhere for a holiday, to which i politely declined, because we were not in a “good enough state” to be taking trips together. This blew his mind how his seduction wasnt working with me and I was more so concerned about getting back on solid ground with him. It’s not that no one could get close to me, its that I was conscientious that our relationship wasn’t great, and agreed that it needed space to breathe….funny thing is, every time I agreed to back off, he would come running back, trying to hook me again, and most of the time, successfully doing so.

        Sometimes i WISH we were still in contact, just to have fun and make up a bunch of crap to see how much he will match and mirror, since he has done that in every other aspect of my life. It would be hilarious to watch.

      5. Question.. since sociopaths have many resources.. in my situation another woman, mother of his child that he was always alternating between and I am sure others. Do sociopaths ever settle down? Ever? I think if he did it would be with the mother of his child. Since sociopaths largely depend on their looks to get away with using people for supply and their looks can only hold them over for so long and their personalities the majority of the time is horrendous. unless they are mirroring someone else.. SO, do they ever settle down? Also, do you think his family (mom, dad, brothers and sister) know something is wrong with him?

      6. Smee again GL,

        Once they know the jig is up & your onto them they discard you forever.
        The game is over & they cannot win anymore so, onto the next victim & the game is on for some other poor soul 😦
        As you know that the OW in my story knows he’s a Soc so,I would love to be a fly on the wall & see just how that’s working out???
        Only curious though as I wouldn’t wish a Soc on my worst enemy.

        Like you I wish I’d known these types existed but, now we do so, forewarned is forearmed!

        Have a great day/night GL πŸ˜‰

      7. Indy,

        In response to your questions/thoughts of settling down, I dont think so. That would suggest that “Once they have X, then they will finally be Y” And, the sociopath never reaches that final conclusion, because they always get bored. So, maybe this month or year the target will be X, but the X is always changing, depending on the sociopath.

        Regarding his family, I am not sure. I have though the same thing. I think its a slim chance they do, unless he has seriously and openly messed up numerous times. But, being the cunning liar he is, he has likely spun every situation so that he is the victim and its everyone elses fault. And family does tend to support their “own”, by nature. So, it would take something pretty devastating for them to evaluate. No one wants to believe their brother, son, daughter, sister, cousin is a sociopath and incapable of having meaningful relationships, you know?

      1. Thank you Wendy,

        My ex-husband is not a Narc or Soc thank goodness.
        He had gambling,alcohol abuse, heavy smoker & was a habitual liar but, I am sure
        he has Adult Attention Deficit as my son has inherited the same 😦
        My Soc however was textbook Narc/Soc & was the charismatic one.
        I only got discarded because he was exposed to me by the OW who knows he’s a Soc & she is a Dr of Sociology so, I am still baffled as to why someone would remain knowingly with a Soc….especially as she knows it’s doomed 😦
        Still that’s not my problem but, I find that fascinating as I would never knowingly subject myself to that!

        Love & Light to you Wendy πŸ™‚

  10. I’m freshly separated from my sociopath & I have good days & bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. I received an email from his ex-wife & while her intent was to make me feel better, the realization that I was with someone who not once acknowledged we were in a relationship, hurt. It opened up the wound from finding out he told his sisters & friends that I was trying to force him in a relationship.

    I called a friend to talk & I realize that they don’t get it when I tell them he never loved me. They see what was a “normal” relationship & everyday I see that it was all a lie.

    I’m lucky, although it doesn’t feel that way, my sociopath hates me for not believing his lies so I won’t hear from him. But it hurts because I want to hear from him. The silence is more painful than the lies.

  11. β€œPeople who claim that they’re evil are usually no worse than the rest of us… It’s people who claim that they’re good, or any way better than the rest of us, that you have to be wary of.”

    1. not sure what you’re going for here, or if you’re shooting for some sort of mass enlightenment here and for one of us to say “were all the same after all!” but…wrong blog.

      1. Nope not at all, merely showing you can find a quote to support any argument. I know how socios think so it’s less interesting but I do think more of you should be like Positiva for the record.

  12. And I’m sure you can appreciate that a majority of us would likely “think you should be more like someone else”, too. But, by now I am sure you understand that expectations of other people are just a waste of time. Or maybe you haven’t been let down enough for that conclusion, yet? Either way, dually noted.

    1. I accept you lot think I should be more like you but I have not been hostile to anyone, I have not written off a group of people because one of their members has hurt me, I have not manipulated anyone on here or fitted many of the stereotypes that people say I should always be doing so I don’t see why because I am honest about my mental condition I should be exiled from this website. Apart from anything a girl I think is a narcissist has hurt me so I should be here.

      1. Hey JK,
        I will kick myself later for engaging with you 😦
        Have you been professionally diagnosed as a SOC?
        Perhaps that MRI would tell you once & for all.
        Have you had a severe emotional trauma???
        PTSD can cause you to disconnect emotionally so, just a theory but, how about thinking about healing yourself & how you can prevent the damage that a SOC does, if in fact you are one?

      2. I am fairly sure that JK has said that he has been diagnosed as a disempathetic sociopath. So yes, a formal diagnosis.

        how would you feel if you had an illness, and someone was questioning you in this way? When you had done nothing personally to them, and had been nothing but polite? How would it make you feel?

        I know this as last summer when my ex learned he was a sociopath, he tried and tried to get information, and wanted to understand himself. He tried to get answers at sociopathworld, and was laughed at – yet I knew that he really wanted to understand.

        Like I said, I don’t advocate personal attacks on ANYONE. Its not useful. It helps nobody. If someone is attacking someone else I will say something.

        JK has posted here for months. I have never seen him attack anyone else. Although he will be strong about what he is, and what he is not.

        Just as we all would be.

  13. I dont mean I think you should be more like me…not at all. What I meant was that I am sure a hand full of us have wished our sociopaths would be more like X. Or more specifically, more like the people they led us to believe they were…Just saying, we all wished someone was more like someone or something else. But, I understand the point you are making.

    Sorry if I gave you the impression to be exiled. Was merely stating that if you want to justify “Evil” and “Good”, and that they are one in the same, this is the wrong forum to argue that “evil” is no worse than “good”. Although, I do agree that evil and good are relative terms open for interpretation, call sociopaths “good” and the rest of us “evil”, doesn’t really matter, we are still at odds, with one more hurt than the other, and one primarily responsible for the deception and hurt. Simply stating that this probably isnt the forum where we will all have a mass realization that whatever hurt we are feeling (because we are , in fact, feeling oriented) is not valid and that we are all one in the same.

    I do agree, there is responsibility to be taken on all ends, though….no one can hurt you without your consent…No one can fool you without giving them the opportunity…So, I truly can see the soc point of view and don’t necessarily think its “evil”, I just don’t agree with living that way.

    For the Narc that hurt you, how did she hurt you? Did you truly play all your cards and put yourself out there to be hurt? It seems that in general sociopaths have a set of cards they keep to themselves, so that no one can ever completely hurt or fool them. Would be interesting to find out how you found yourself in a vulnerable place to be hurt by someone else.

    1. Well I apologise for misunderstanding you, but generally thanks to mirroring it is more like you. Well she didn’t know I was socio at the time (nor did I yet though) but I was more honest with her than anyone else I knew in person, I consider that I loved her (according to some people on here my definition of love isn’t love). Being disempathetic I can care about someone I just can’t make the connection as often (and have the other habits but I work hard to control them as best I can) so she just had to get me to open up. I do think being socio meant I was able to just shut down when I realised she was using me (and spreading rumours about me, oh the irony) so I wasn’t as bad as most people on here.

      1. Yeah, that does make sense. If you dont mind me asking, in what ways was she using you? And are you sure she is a Narc and not a Soc? Also, what made you come to the conclusion that you were a Soc? Did you know this about yourself when you were with her? Also, not to play devils advocate, but if you are a Soc, how are you sure that she wasnt just “matching and mirroring” you? I do believe there are rare instances that a Soc will meet his/her match…Although I am sorry you experienced pain as a result of it….But as a soc, shouldnt you be on to your next victim by now? Or are you? I’m fascinated that you are still pre-occupied with someone who is giving you nothing.

      2. Hi GL πŸ™‚

        I too am wondering if JK is in fact a SOC? At 19 he hasn’t experienced that much of life to make such statements about us & our experiences & motivations.
        Did he have a troubled childhood? What is his relationship with his parents?
        Why is he so fascinated by us?
        I obviously don’t like engaging with the Soc’s as we know the damage that they do but,you seem to need to ask Jk so, just putting it our there.
        Over to you GL πŸ™‚

        Stay on top always πŸ™‚

        PR xoxo

      3. I think that JK is a diagnosed Sociopath. I am fairly sure that he has said that a disempathetic sociopath. I am sure that he will confirm this.

        Sociopaths also seek information and understanding of themselves too.

        I am not into and do not promote on this blog, attacking of ANYONE be they sociopath or not. If someone is abusive, I will warn and eventually block IP. The two sociopaths no three who have openly posted as sociopaths (JK has been here for months) have always been polite, and honest, respectful towards other posters. I don’t have a separate rule for sociopaths. I hope that I write the truth. I will continue to do so.

        Whilst no contact is essential for healing and recovery. Someone who has no emotional connection to me (or you), has no chance of damaging you. as they would get nothing from you, wouldn’t particularly want to either (I would think).

        Why do I think like this? I spent a long time on sociopath world forum, I watched people who were sociopaths try to help people who were victims. Yep that happened…. why wouldn’t it. Yes you get those who were there to hurt people and got off on it, but those were in the minority, from what I read.

        But then, I try to see things from a broader perspective. This whole hysteria, and focusing on fear, is not really useful to anyone. The sociopath controls by fear. So…. I dont buy it. Unless someone (sociopath or not) is abusive. They are welcome to post here.

        I quite like JK he has posted some good things which has also helped with my understanding – and I watched Nathan try to help people too. Sociopaths can do this…. the truth will set you free…. mass hysteria wont…

      4. Hi Positivagirl πŸ™‚

        I get your point & that this is an open, honest forum πŸ™‚
        I had the charismatic Soc so,I didn’t get the aggression etc…that other shave had 😦
        I realise however that my Soc was always smooth & appeared supportive whilst doing the opposite so, my radar has gone up because JK rings those alarms of being nice to your face but, his motivations are suspect?
        At least to me.
        I respect your opinion & it is your blog & I have had great insight & support which I am truly grateful for.

        I hope I haven’t offended you, I just find the whole Soc world offensive to my journey 😦
        I have never tried to promote mass hysteria nor am I fearful anymore.

        I learnt a lot from you & the others here πŸ™‚

        Have a great day?night.

        PR x

      5. I have a strong view, and belief. That I will continue with.

        1. That the truth will set you free
        2. That focusing on hatred or fear – will entrap you and hold back your healing and recovery
        3. That laughter can overcome fear, you can understand the same thing by laughing as you can by hatred, its just a lot more enjoyable and healing recovery time is speeded up (which has to be good thing huh)
        4. That ‘normalising’ an experience can help with healing and recovery

      6. My apologies to Jk if I have come across as attacking or offensive,that was not my intention.
        I am multitasking at work & something he said rubbed me up the wrong way.

        I am annoyed with myself for letting him get to me 😦
        Still that’s why I’m here, to learn, get support & heal.

        Thanks Pos, I hope you don’t block me 😦

      7. No, of course not. I just say the same to everyone. I don’t want anyone to feel victimised here.

        I understand about being different from when I was diagnosed with severe PTSD after my daughter died, and coping with that. I understand not to judge anyone from 27 years working with homeless people. That is why I think the way that I do.

        I just treat everyone the same πŸ™‚

      8. That’s Cool Pos πŸ™‚

        I just find it hard to accept the Soc’s here after reading about the devastation that their particular Pathy leaves in it’s wake.
        I think it’s great that you can be so objective under your own circumstances, you truly are exceptional. As I said before you are a ‘Wayshower’. Did you look that up?
        It is a spiritual guide where the person endures so much in this life & then uses all their wisdom & experience to show others the way etc….
        I have been tapping into a power that I know I have & has been passed down through generations in my family. We are known as ‘SEER’S’ although I obviously haven’t used it on myself but, I have helped others πŸ™‚
        We are also known for our bright blue eyes & white hair (yep I have white hair now πŸ™‚
        It may sound strange but, WOW the stories I can tell are amazing πŸ™‚
        Anyhow I just get a weird intuition with the Soc’s on here & they do trigger me a bit & I do try not to engage but, I am human after all πŸ™‚

        As I have said before , I am here with the good intentions of learning, sharing & supporting.

        Love & light to you all here πŸ™‚
        PR xoxo

      9. Aw bless you PR.

        You are right. Yes, my life has been very much like that, I was homeless at 16, at 17 I worked with youth homeless. My life has been like that all of my life. I experience it, then work with it. I don’t think it will change. I used to hate it, now I realise that there are benefits πŸ™‚

        I will look up that term. Try to lose your fear. JK I have known for a few months. He is quite blunt when he posts here. It is less dangerous than someone who is posing as a victim then turns (and Nathan had trrc sussed before I did) as I had blocked his IP.

        Sociopaths can cause carnage. But I don’t believe anyone who posts here openly as a sociopath means any harm to you. They could be here as part of their own learning, or also to explain too who they are. Not that I would expect you to care about that. By blocking people, it would only encourage people to post in disguise and cause problems. That would be far worse.

        I think that it can help with losing fear too. When I realised that I had been dating a sociopath. I was to be honest, scared. It did frighten me. I think that normalising it makes sense. If you read sociopath world there are a lot of victims who go there, and lots stay there posting. Sociopaths are intelligent people, and can engage in good debate.

        I have respect for everyone, until they disrespect me. I find, on the whole that this works fairly well.

        Sociopaths can cause trouble, but why would they want to cause trouble on a forum that doesn’t practice hatred of sociopaths? Basically if I write something you know it is the truth, as if it isn’t the sociopaths who comment here will tell me.

        Also, remember that with any condition, when people realise what they are, they will read about it to understand. We all do that, it is normal human behaviour I think? Always pleased for your comments. I strongly believe in what I am doing and the way that I am doing it. So I want to continue in this way.

        Having to face a sociopath here won’t hurt you. Or harm you. But one in disguise might (as you witnessed with trrc) – be wary of the ones posing as victims not the ones who openly say they are sociopaths!! πŸ™‚

      10. Aw PR bless you. Thank you so very very much for this information. I have just looked it up. Yes it does sound very much like me, and the life I have led. Thank you. It means a lot, as right now, I am not 100% an ongoing legal case has triggered my PTSD, so i was feeling quite low, and struggling to write right now. So thank you, this is truly a gift to me!! x

      11. You are very welcome Positivagirl,

        I did a Archangel Oracle Card reading on you & this is what I got;
        For You, Teaching & Learning Archangel Zadkiel “Keep an open mind, & learn new ideas.
        Then, teach these ideas to others.”

        ” You are a spiritual teacher & an avid learner. Learning & teaching are linked in a perfect cycle, in which information comes to you when you need it.
        Teach others about the topics that awaken your passions. The more you teach, the more your lessons are reinforced within yourself.
        Be open to sharing new ideas, and learning about topics that aren’t in your immediate sphere of interest.
        Your students will teach you in many ways, too.
        Trust in your teaching & learning abilities, as your mind is one with the Divine Mind Of God.
        You are an intelligent & wise being. Know that it’s safe in this lifetime for you to be outspoken in your teachings.”

        I only convey what I receive & I don’t know much about you other than what I have read here on your blog etc…I hope this makes sense to you?
        Let me know if it does…

        Regardless you have a very positive spiritual guide around you that you can call on any time.

        Love & Light,

        PR xoxo

      12. Absolutely it does make sense PR. You have really taught me something that I didn’t know. I had never heard of this term before, I just thought I was a lightworker – as evidenced by my work all of my adult life. What I am reading about wayshower is really absolutely me and my life. As is what you have written here too. So thank you! πŸ™‚ It was really needed. I had been lost in my legal case, struggling to write anything at all, I felt numb. I really needed this, it came at the right time πŸ™‚

      13. I am glad this has helped you πŸ™‚
        My experience with my Soc has enhanced my ‘SEER’ abilities which was suppressed by him, he’s gone & my intuition ramped up to the extreme.
        I have been a little overwhelmed by it & cannot quite contain it.
        I get a vibration in my soul & it’s weird but, comforting at the same time.
        Everything will be okay re, what you are going through at the moment & as hard as this time is for you.
        All is well…:)

        Believe in yourself πŸ™‚

        PR x

      14. and its not that we (or I) wouldnt consider it love…I would just define my version of love differently. With that being said, how do you define “love”? Again, another extremely relative term, so I am curious to see what that means to you

      15. Gifts, social standing, it was last year of GCSE’s (don’t know the equivalent if you’re not English but end of high school) (I’m only 19 btw) so it wasn’t massively serious stuff (I remember once I got her the entire mark scheme for a maths mock exam).

        She was always looking to be in the spotlight, centre of attention effort and was less afraid to be “discovered” I found out later. About myself is on the forum under sociopath emails so you can read that.

        I didn’t know when I was with her but I knew I was different. We later went to the same college at which point I did know and there’s quite a story of struggling to “win” as it were between the two of us (we were in the same social group). That concluded a few months back and I have to say she destroyed herself for me.

        I was pretty reckless then so she could have been mirroring, I’ve never thought about that one.

        I don’t love the victim if I actually love the person they won’t be a victim (she became one as I just explained but that is a different matter). But I try not to have a victim (messy things and can lash back if you mess up).

        To me love is someone I care about as much as myself, I don’t think I can care about someone more but I might and just not found out. Mainly people say love has to be unconditional but I think that is ridiculous.

  14. Yes, destroying ourselves for the soc is something we tend to do. Not necessarily by choice, but it just turns out that way after a while.

    Unconditional love can seem ridiculous if you take it in a context of “I love you above all else, no matter what happens, forever and always”. But, I’m hoping you have a chance to realize that unconditional love doesnt necessarily mean unconditional acceptance or agreement.

    In short, unconditional love doesnt mean putting up with BS. You can still love someone and stand your own ground.

    1. Yeah you may destroy yourselves but not for a socio you didn’t get fooled by, I spent the time overthrowing her from being in charge of the group (I did succeed actually) then she goes and ruins her entire social standing causing two of her best friends to hate her, I’d written them off as sticking with her over me no matter what so I hadn’t tried anything but they are now more my friends than hers.

      Maybe but I’m still not sure

      1. Did you play any part in winding her up so she reacted against her friends (feeding her false information), why would you want to be friends with her friends? What is that about?

      2. She didn’t react against her friends she was doing other immoral things in relationships (that I didn’t find out till after) and her friends didn’t agree with her, albeit I still think they were more offended that she didn’t tell them. I wish I could take credit for the work. It annoys her that I have what she had, plus I like hearing about how horrible a person she is.

  15. Hello. Your site has been very helpful. I asked my friend/ex/?, a few months ago if he was a sociopath, he didn’t really answer me. Anyhow he began the silent treatment, avoiding me, confusing argument thing two weeks ago. During this time I started reading up on this stuff and I really believe he is a sociopath. Friday I decided to stop the games and I changed my number. Life is much easier knowing i won’t hear from him and I’ll stop staring at my phone. I’m sure I shouldn’t have done what I did next. I forwarded one of your blogs and he sent an email with 3 sentences hundreds of times over and over (red font) then he send our text message log since we met 2yrs ago and highlighted one part. Longer story longer, he had custody paperwork I had been served the day before, we got into an argument and banned me from his bldg. he had my belongings, makeup, I had a cold and had just bought 60$worth of medicine, he refused to talk to me.i had his apt key, he refused to come downstairs to get it, then told me he had to pay(ugh! it goes on and on) I’m sorry I’m so over it already. My point is he sent a message saying if you need help or need to go somewhere ill do anything I can?! (WTF) he is saying that I am a sociopath and he is glad I see it. This man has given me the worse anxiety. Fires panic panic oh it’s nothing. I don’t have food to eat I’ve been eating jelly all day.. I need this yesterday I have no one . I was always on edge waiting for the next fire to put out..I’m a little bit of a mess. He groomed me to depend on him and when I need him he is never ever there. I guess that’s what really hit home for me. I’m trying to stay busy and strong because I know the cycle. This message really is all over the place I guess I’m venting. A support group would be fabulous but I dont know I’m so tired of playing it over in my head and I don’t want to start doubting myself. He is not normal. I want my life back.

    1. Hey Absorbtion, welcome to the site. With the sociopath, even when they know they are one, they still remain the same. They can try to ‘manage’ their behaviour but this is rarely successful long term.

      Do you have anyone that you can speak to, to obtain food. I am worried about you if you only have jelly to eat!! Although I know that my ex, after stealing left me with no food to eat many times.

      Can you establish no contact? This will help you. It will help you to focus on you, and as time passes you will grow in strength.

      1. Lol..I’m sorry I know my message was all over the place. that’s some of the stuff he would say to me that would stress me out that would get me to take him money groceries or whatever else he needs. Thank you for offering though. Your blog has been helping me tremendously. I’ve been locked in my room the last two weeks and everyone is so supportive on here. I know with time ill find myself again so for now I’m just taking it one day at a time.

      2. Hi Absorption πŸ™‚

        Your in good company here so, take your time as you have been through a lot 😦
        We will support you as best we can, we know how you feel & are all at different stages on our journey out of Sociopath Hell 😦

        Stay Strong, Be Brave & most of all Love Yourself Completely, you are worthy & deserve better, believe that πŸ™‚

        I like jelly πŸ™‚
        PR xoxo

      3. I swear! But who says that? It sounds so rediculous. But I would run to him 4 hour bus rides for 1hour visits…sometimes he would “fall asleep” and not answer the phonw or door.I would go home just to go back the next day. Ugh…I get so upset with myself looking back…I really understand why people say don’t look back keep moving forward.

      1. Thank you. It’s really hard to move on because there was no conclusion or even an explanation..and I know I’ll never get one. I keep telling myself everyday will get easier, so I’m keeping my mind busy.

      2. Hi Absorption,
        Any answers you get from the Soc will be more lies so, don’t bother asking him 😦
        Your answers are here & in learning & support.
        You have been traumatized & it takes time to recover.
        Keep reading & sharing. Get help from Dr’s & any professional resources you can.
        Do the healing recommended here & try Mindfulness & CBT, yoga, meditation…anything that can lift the fog that descends.
        We are all at different stages but, one thing we all share is the knowledge of the pain & suffering you are experiencing.
        We all have different backgrounds,ages & stories but, the one common denominator it the Narc/Soc experience.
        It’s mind blowing & hard to come to terms with all the lies & manipulation via a person you loved & trusted ;(
        Remember all the good things about your Soc was them mirroring you, they have to pull on your strengths to be attractive & appealing to you.
        What you loved about your Soc was you loving yourself, they just steal yourself from you.
        Find yourself, it’s damn hard but, you can do it πŸ˜‰
        We are all here to help you & support you but, ultimately you owe it to yourself to move through this.
        You are worthy of great love & deserve better, your Soc will never feel what you truly are &
        that’s his loss.

        Be Strong, Brave & Happy πŸ˜‰

        PR xoxo

  16. This was a great read. Caught a few red flags a couple of weeks ago. I went with him to mental health he getting his respardyl Nd anxiety meds, bipolar meds all that stuff he also has an atr grant, hes going ro arogram soon, I really cant wait for him to leave. He made promises AGAIN!!! and I believed he meant them at the time but then rhe aparh symptoms arise, mwed I say more. Caught him checkin out mt grandaughters other grandmother at a party yesterday that son of a bitch makes me look like an asshole no matter a
    qhere we go, hes a piece of shit. He wants me to vuy him phone cause I threq out hos phone because tjere were naked girls on it . s

    1. Bewildered, you do know that this will continue for as long as you play the game with him? To stop the crazy circle continuing you need to stop playing the game! Although I do appreciate how difficult this can be. The difficulty pain and confusion wouldn’t be forever. But his behaviour like this would be.

      1. Ohhhh, I know Positiva, I gave it another shot,, they are just this way. Im not hurt or anyrhing, nothings majors happened YET, lol but Im gonna have to let him go. JeezeI love this man I wish he was normall and we got married and all that goid stuff. Im more aggravated than anything else. Thanks I love that your here for me and everyone else. I kbow what needs ti be dobe. Peace an love. Im giung to read the other new sites now, I will be pisting..

  17. I have been going through this cycle with my S for eight years now. Always the same we start talking here and there again. He starts making jokes, apologizes for hurting me, and then wants to hang out. Passion sparks, he apologizes, makes promises, and for a period of time gives me the world. However always just us on our own, seperating us from our friends and family. Then just as everything is perfect he will do one of two things. In the first few years he would do something horrible to get a reaction out of me, then say he was leaving because I am crazy. More recently he will say he can’t give me what I want (when maybe a day or two before he was promising the moon) and will just walk out. He will say he will always still be there for me etc. Then almost always the next time we talk he attacks me, calls me a stalker, tells me I am crazy and need to get over him. Then he slanders me to everyone we know and starts the silent treatment which can last at least a couple of months. Then out of no where he is back just when I am getting my life together.

  18. My S broke up with me 1.5years ago but kept me around as his “only friend he could trust and talk to” up until 3 weeks ago our friendship consisted of me taking him 300$+ every two weeks and nothing but crazy mind games. I had over 12000text messages (I recently deleted them)

    From him:
    “I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do” I’m hungry no cigarettes

    From me
    Ill bring you some $ tomarrow ok. What time can I go see u

    From him

    From me
    What time can I go

    From me: (about 8 texts within a 6-12hr period)
    “Are you ok, please answer me, I can’t be your friend, I can’t handle this friendship it’s so stressful”

    From him:
    “You want a reason to leave you met someone else, typical LA person, lesson learned”

    From me:( 10texts within a 3-6hr period)
    “I’m stuck. I’m not moving still loyal to you, I can’t move on with you in my life. You make me feel excluded and I feel so alone” you make it hard to be your friend

    From him:
    ” Obama phone”

    From me:

    From him:
    I don’t have anything to eat or drink this is crazy. I should just jump off the balcony”

    From me: I told you yesterday i would bring you $ today you never gave me a time I could go

    From him!:
    Just leave me alone, you don’t want to be my friend it’s too hard for you and I don’t want to make you sad

    From me:
    can I come see you tomarrow?

    no answer for 10-24 hours, in the meantime I’m texting him like a maniac concerned he is jumping off a balcony, stressed, hungry, no one to talk too.

    From him

    I was sleeping wtf is wrong with you, I hate waking up to this.

    From me
    I’m sorry. I was worried. Can I come see u tomorrow (now going into day 2) (and I’m just trying to “help”him)

    (8 hours later)

    From him:
    I need you to be a witness and write a declaration I need it signed and to me yesterday.

    From me
    Ok. What do I need to write about?

    From him
    Just forget it ill do. You don’t know what your doing and I don’t have time to waste. When’s the last time you were here exact date and time

    (Now I’m looking for the date and time )

    From me
    Ex: tues apr 7 145pm I was there for 35min.

    (6-8 hours later about 3am)

    From him

    From me
    You asked for the last time I was there

    From him
    I don’t need that shit anymore

    From him
    I thought you said you were going to come see me

    Is this typical S behavior?

    I’m hate that I’m doubting myself. Text exchanges like that is just one example of what I went through. He also told me he doesn’t go anywhere or do anything but then hints when he is with his friends that he went somewhere. That leads to the “it’s me you won’t go anywhere with” and more silent treatment. He walked me to the bus stop once and I was in heaven..(no joke, I laugh at my stupidity now but at the time I was so happy that he walked me 45feet to the bus stop)

    I come to this site several times a day and read anything over and over.

    Maybe I should get a calender and start marking off the days. I changed my number and gave it to him. Ugh. Someone else on here wrote somewhere I wish he would call just so I can ignore him. I need to get a grip on reality and closed that door. Is it normal for me to yo to like this. I don’t feel I’m in a panic without him, which is a good sign. I’m sad but I think Ive acknowledged it was an illusion and I’m accepting it.

    You sent a. Link to steps to healing. Maybe I should read that. Sorry if I rambled.

    Again thank you for your site.

    1. Hey Absorption,

      Yes this is typical Soc behavior, & regardless it’s not NORMAL behavior,people don’t do this mind gaming, using etc…get out now if you can?
      It’s hard because you have a heart connection/love etc…but you deserve better treatment & shouldn’t be texting endlessly to get answers.
      You know this is wrong & unless you change it, it can go on for years 😦
      Be Strong & Brave, you are not alone πŸ™‚

      1. Thank you. I just need to really accept it and mean it. I realized how rediculous and messed up my head is last week…I lay down to go to bed and his face is what I see., instead of my daughter who I miss and is on vacation with her father in another state for 6weeks…I have 6 weeks to get it together before she comes back.

        Thank you for taking the time to respond. In my case I have no one to talk to about this, I never complained about him to anyone.ive marooned myself inside but on the outside everyone thinks I’m great. Anyhow, seeing a response lets me know I’m not alone. Thank you

      2. Aww Absorption, πŸ™‚

        Your never alone.
        Look within yourself as you have to build from there & claw your way back to you πŸ™‚
        I never told anyone either & presented as having it all etc…I had no idea until my Soc was exposed to me via another woman. My story is under the ‘Share you story’ etc..
        Everyone has had a different experience but, unfortunately the common denominator it the Soc factor 😦
        They really do brainwash us & have us acting & behaving against ourselves sometimes.
        Really bizarre mind control & manipulation.
        Keep focused on gaining control of your own life & getting healthy.
        Your daughter will be proud of you & your strength & you owe it to yourself & her to gather your strength πŸ™‚
        Keep busy, get help via Dr’s,Psychologist’s etc…anything you can.
        Your friends & family can reinforce the love they have for you but, unless they have experienced a Narc/Soc personality will not fully understand the ramifications this experience can have on a person.
        Look at & Paulas’s Pontifications as these sites are great πŸ™‚

        You will get through this, it is survivable but, it’s damn hard sometimes 😦
        We are all here, understanding & supporting so, you are never alone.

        Stay strong πŸ˜‰
        PR xoxo

  19. Hey Absorbtion
    They mess with you head over and over if you let them. My last “talk” with mine was him saying he did not like how I treat him — which was really a big joke considering he had cheated on me , walked out without saying he was going and lived with another woman the next day. I decided I had enough and never called him again. Then one day out of the blue 8 months later, he shows up where I am with his fiance now yelling at me to not talk to his Mom if I can’t talk to him. Well the thing is I LIKE his Mom and don’t want anymore to do with him period. But you can see how really weird they can be — they don’t know from moment to moment what they want or feel (or don’t feel?).
    I think maybe mine finally knows the gig is up for him with me– we will see — still have a feeling in my gut that in a few years he will attempt to be back with me again. He had even said that one time “Maybe in a few years we can work it out” — I am thinking to myself at the time ARE YOU KIDDING? I did not say that at the time, but I sure thought it. He was playing a game for sure.
    Thing I guess I am trying to say is — you need to cut them out of your life and quite worrying about them. They NEVER worry about us.
    I know we keep saying we are good people and we are because we don’t use to get what we want. But honestly we have our own issues that endear these types to us. If we loved ourself like we loved our Socs we would be brilliant!

    1. Well said NMSP,

      Look within ourselves as we really are brilliant πŸ™‚

      Be Happy Always πŸ™‚

      1. Yes PR ,and if we love ourselves with as much as we gave in these relationships we would be well over them! I am trying to make myself the “project” now!

      2. Good for you NMSP you owe it to yourself to be happy πŸ˜‰
        It’s the best & only revenge so, I am also my own favorite project πŸ™‚
        Keep up your positive attitude & energy.

        Love & light to you xoxo

    2. I know I do…his cell phone is not in service because it hasn’t been paid (well I haven’t paid it) he can pay it himself i know he hasn’t paid it because he wants to see if I pay it. Another game. I’m upset with myself for trying to amusing myself by trying to engage in the silent treatment game.i know i won’t win. Because I care and he doesn’t. Is my wanting to turn the tables on him normal for someone like me to do or want to do? I know I shouldn’t.

      1. Just quit worrying about him– I understand you caring — that is the worst part and they use it against us. If he has no phone he will find some sucker to get him one — they don’t like to do without for long.
        The silent treatment is all you can do , not really a game or amusement, it is what you have to do for yourself!!! As long as you have contact with them , they are winning.
        It took me awhile to realize this myself, but when I was done, I meant it.

      2. His favorite word is absorption. He gave me a clue when we met. I just didn’t know that’s what it was.

      3. Ditto the endless mind chatter is part of the cycle that this experience leaves us with until we start to heal. Then it eases off but, takes time & support πŸ™‚
        Keep going, stay strong, be the best you can be always πŸ™‚
        Positive’s attract positive’s, just be aware of the negatives always.
        Forewarned is Forearmed & thanks to our experience we are well armed!

  20. I am sure everyone can see the “red flags” now that it is behind them so you can’t beat yourself up. What is more important is to heal and then go forward. Listen to yourself in the future and hopefully you will end up with a truly healthy relationship!
    It is not easy — this I know first hand, but you need to be healthy before you can attract healthy if that makes sense!

  21. My soc has been trying to come back into my life. I won’t go into all the details as I am sure everyone has been through the same. Crying, pleading, etc. But he keeps bouncing back and forth. It’s hard (a little because I am so much stronger due to this site) because there are times that I think maybe he isn’t a soc and it’s just because of his drug addiction, got arrested for shop lifting (he was a sheriff) lost his job, lost everything but me who did everything for him including saving his life taking him to rehab etc. He used me to the fullest. He still owes me $$ and I have some of his belongings until I get the money back. He gambled and posted on fb of all his winnings ($29k) yet didn’t contact me to pay me back.
    About a week ago he texted me that he wanted to know how much he owed me (he knows as I have told him numerous times) I just thought it was a reason to contact me. I for the most part have done the no contact but will just to keep him calm. Today he tried really hard to profess his love and want me back getting upset when it wasn’t working. Well now I know why. He wanted his computer back. I told him no and now his is done with me and said he will never have contact with me again. Told me that I was about control and I was taking away his livelihood that he was trying to do. Told me I was poison.
    I told him so he would not love me because of a computer? I have always fallen for everything over these past four years giving him everything. For the most part I have been paid back but realize he did to keep me under HIS control for his needs as he has nothing now and I own my home etc.
    I just cannot figure him out sometimes. Except I have to realize that he really is a soc.

      1. Be Brave Kat,
        You know there is no happy ending here even if you have doubts 😦
        He is toxic & his behavior is toxic.
        Save yourself, you don’t need to save him…if you let him break you down then you will go round & round forever!

        We are here regardless but, stay strong,

        Love & Light
        PR xoxox

  22. Thank you for that! It’s so unreal!!! What do I do now? He won’t obviously pay me back yet I can ruin his life. He set me up but it felt so good to say no to giving him what he was buttering me up to get. It was just like I read in your blog. He doesn’t love me as he swears he does. Otherwise a computer wouldn’t have done this.

  23. to me it wasn’t like a spin cycle on a washing machine-it was like whiplash. Every time I thought we were going one direction, the brakes would slam on and it was off in another direction. I told him one time, trying to make him understand, that I felt like I had been running the same circle with him for years. I have no idea why I kept doing it. It seemed like he would comprehend what I was saying for about a day and then it was like I never said it.I can’t believe I have been so stupid. Why did I do this for almost 5 years?

  24. Realizing an acquaintance/slash romantic interest of two years is a sociopathic con artist who pretended to have leukemia to someone fraud the insurance company he works for of $79k. Only thing I can’t decide on is it he used the money to pay back his coke dealers or buy more supply, or both.

    I’m bewildered. Everyone says let it go but I would feel bad not reporting him.

    1. If you report him. Your life could become hell smear campaigns and ruining. It’s not just him but also the coke dealers and suppliesrs. That could make it dangerous for you. What you could do to make a clean break and an escape is to threaten him that if he does not go away and leave you alone you will report him. This should get rid of him (hopefully)

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  26. Approximately 2 1/2 years ago I met a man who seemed like he was a blessing. We both had musical backgrounds and a deep love for the Lord.Β Looking back I see numerous encounters that should have been red flags, Β however because I’m a very forgiving person, Β I had a strong tendency to look past what appeared to be “flaws.” He seemed to enjoy making digs at me and although it usually was followed by a hap hazard comment of Β “I’m just kidding” I somehow felt that he truly enjoyed hurting me. Immediately after getting involved with him I noticed what appeared to be repeated cycle behavior of breaking it off with me and returning with a vow of great love. This would always win me back for the first several times. Β I consider myself a very intelligent woman who can see through any scam however I found myself wanting to believe his promises of great love along with the emotional filled apologies.Β Each time he broke it off, Β he would always return after a week or two of not hearing anything from him.Β After awhile I realized that he may have some personality disorder or several so I investigated and found that he had many characteristics of narcissism and sociopath symptoms. As I read more, it was so hauntingly familiar that I believe he could be the poster child to these disorders.Β To this day he still returns, Β one minute he’s telling me he hates my guts and the next minute vowing some great love. Β Although I don’t believe he could actually ever get physically abusive, Β I do feel he’s very mentally ill. I have put up with hundreds of phone calls, texts and emails. ..they wane and then return with vengeance.Β I have never ever experienced anything like it where someone will go to great lengths to get you back in their life but once you come back they no longer want you. It’s almost some kind of sick control game.Β I still ask for prayer to have this man out of my life forever.

    1. Hi, I am sorry you are hurting.

      I want you to know that when he yells he HATES YOU — really he hates himself. It is himself that he is yelling at because he hates who he is.

      he sounds to me like a narcissist. Sociopaths are very charming and charismatic, will tell you what they want you to hear. If the you do slip, they quickly regain composure. (slipping is losing control and they don’t like to do that).

      As for the hundreds texts, emails and phone calls. This is also abuse. You can stop this – this is harassment. call the police. Get an injunction order against him. He is hurting you. He cant change. He wont change.

      Please also read my post – how they use religion to abuse, as I think this might be keeping you attached to him.

  27. So, I am the “first wife” 😝 – since I have had the misfortunate of watching of him torture every one left in my path, had anyone else experience their ex has not changed a single thing? I know PR, still has those creepy dolls in the curio cabinet. I mean my ex takes these women to his “special” I love you spot”. I didn’t go but everyone after me did. I seen the FB pic. I got my name on his chest – still – (Creepy). I know none of it makes sense, because every 3 years “he needs my help” (kids). This time I am telling him to F off. See how that works. Do other people have these issues or similar? Or do I just have a weird NS?

    1. The soc I was with had two ex-wives tatooed on his body—one on the neck, the other on the back (I think). He has a ring but denies marriage to the one he’s lived with for many years. It was funny hearing her tell me he “didn’t claim me” when he didn’t claim her either! I wondered what my tatt might look at… he has something of each of his kids too… I think it’s his “private collection”.

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